#and if the thoughts make u feel bad i support getting therapy!!!

[capricores]

if you have strong mutable (gemini, sagittarius, pisces, virgo) placements then you NEED to write things down if you don't already. all those thoughts that constantly swirl in your head: the frequent tasks, goals, feelings, aspirations, opinions, etc - WRITE THEM DOWN. this is not only therapeutic & stress-relieving for you but almost necessary, or you're going to burn out and overload your own mind constantly.

when you bottle, or when you let plans, goals, dreams, to-do lists, projects, etc live solely in your head - you'll notice you can't sleep as well, it's harder to rest, your memory gets more foggy than usual, you feel burnt out and unable to connect, etc. specifically:

write down your feelings. this will be your ultimate (free) therapy. start to journal, write a diary. make a private twitter/tumblr where you spill your feelings, frustrations, thoughts. you will feel an immense sense of relief by writing or typing your feelings out - even if no one is reading it but you. mutable moons especially. our feelings tend to change rapidly, but it doesn't make them less valid. don't bottle out of the fear your feelings will change/you'll just "get over it"!! write it down and let it out!!

write! to-do! lists!!!!! these don't have to be for important things. you want to learn digital art? you want to study coding? you want to learn french? you want to re-decorate? you probably have a billion things you want to do, and then you get overwhelmed by the options, and do nothing. write down all the things you want to do. make a to-do list for these things. get them out of your head and somewhere permanent/physical. looking at the options in front of you will feel much easier.

make excel project trackers (you can even make these for to-do list items/goals/etc)! mutable placements have a tendency to start a lot of projects or tasks, and never finish any of them. make a simple tracker for all the projects you start. you won't forget what you're working on, and you'll be less overwhelmed trying to remember what you have going on (example of the one i always use pictured below)

talking out your thoughts and feelings is also very cathartic. make fake (or real, i support u!) youtube vlogs where you spill your feelings and talk about your plans, your day, what you have to do, etc. talk to someone you love and trust, vent to them about how things are; or about what you're getting up to. i find writing has an edge, because you can go back to it for reference (mutables tend to forget things easily) - but as long as you're getting the swirl of your mind somewhere outside of your head, you'll feel so, so much less stressed.

mutable dominants tend to constantly live in go-mode, we're restless and always doing something. we feel uncomfortable and sometimes guilty about staying still. our minds don't ever shut off. it's very important for mutable placements to learn how to rest, be present in the moment, and learn grounding. this can be done in many ways, but i've found personally that writing works best for me. other helpful practices can be: talk therapy, acceptance theory, yoga, meditation, hiking, camping, etc.

i also want to remind mutable signs: we change a lot. we have a lot of ideas. there's so much we want to do. we often feel like we have no path, no big goal; we can struggle with purpose as we don't often aspire for permanent things or "one big goal". this is NOT bad. there is nothing wrong with changing your feelings, your mind, your goals, your life path. you CAN do all the things you want to do! you have your entire life ahead of you! yes, you can learn all those languages. yes, you can have three different careers in your life. yes yes yes! don't listen to negativity from others. don't beat yourself up for not having one big goal like some people around you might. cherish and embrace all the things you want to achieve and complete (both big and small). learn to follow-through with and finish the things that matter to you (writing things down will really help with this, make action plans/steps - break everything down into smaller pieces). take the time to slow down and enjoy the moments as they come. you got this!

[emmyrosee]

are u down 4 sum lil angst?? well, i'm just curious how would it be being the famous star volleyball player, Sakusa Kiyoomi's TOTGA?

YOU HAD N O RIGHT MATE

ok so fun emmy history, back when I was a wee child and before the miya twins were even a thing, i wrote a self insert that I’m still weirdly proud of today so congratulations, you scratched that memory HHEISBSOSN-

Hey! Future Emmy here. so... major tw; kiyoomi is very mean, extremely toxic, and i for sure went overboard, but there's a lot of blaming and yelling and just. ugh. this piece hurt my own heart smh.

-

But listen. You slipped into Sakusa Kiyoomi’s life surprisingly. He wasn’t expecting you or even just to date at all, you were just at the right places in the right times where he finally felt at ease in your presence. You just understood who he was beyond surface level, and he’d never had that in someone before.

You loved him before he was cool, before he was anyone other than a top ace in Japan. You were the first to tell him it was okay to mess up, do something other than eat drink and sleep volleyball, even if he wants it to take up most of his time.

Time, he no longer has, when he gets injured.

It wasn't like it was an inopportune time- though, as a college athlete, there really is no good time to get injured- if anything, it was spontaneous and had he not had dreams of making it big, he'd never think twice of it.

But he gets injured. Junior year of college, just as his name starts to grow in the industry, and he gets injured. Bad ankle, it’s actually a former injury from his childhood that apparently didn’t heal right.

There’s articles that spread about Bokuto Koutarou, how he’s climbing the ranks and how Miya Atsumu, the same little rat who bothered him in high school received an offer from god knows what team, and he’s fuming.

That should be him and his setter getting those offers and climbing that ladder, it’s been him and him alone for years, and he knows it's bitter to hate people for their successes, but its not fucking fair, he deserves more than this.

He deserves more than doctors trying to encourage surgery to heal at the sacrifice of volleyball, he deserves more than flowers and cards of best wishes, more than Miya Atsumu texting him to see if he's okay, he deserves more than any being on earth could give him.

And that includes you.

"Baby, did you finally call the surgeon?" You ask, coming in with a water bottle and a cup of his meds.

Apparently, that's more than enough to set him off.

"I don't need surgery."

He hears you sigh, "the doctor says the tear is too big just for physical therapy, you'll need the extra support-"

"In case you forgot, I was fucking there."

His breath becomes hot, and he can't peel his eyes from the commercials playing on the tv. The room suddenly feels suffocating, and of he could will himself to do it, he'd apologize and tell you he loves you, he's just tense and hurt, and he's grateful you're here, and-

"I'm the one who's life is going down the tubes. Fun fact."

The other thoughts in his mind are static. merely an incoherent buzz. You're his victim now, to his ugliest sides that therapy and his family prodded back years ago.

There's no one to prod it back now.

"I... I didn't mean any harm, I promise-"

"You really shouldn't talk to me right now," he snarls, rage bubbling and clawing away at his soul. There's a bubbling of tears that rip at his waterline in a demand to fall, but he's blinded to anything else.

He hates his life. He hates his ankle. He hates his doctors for telling him it may not heal right ever.

He hates you.

"Kiyoomi, please-"

He bears his teeth like a dog in an attack, and you flinch back slightly. "If you hadn't fucking distracted me, this never would've happened." He hears you whine in your throat.

he ignores it.

"I was fine," he barks. "I was happy before you. I was strong, I was powerful, I was a damned force to be reckoned with." He crawls closer to you on the couch, and when you cower to try and get away, he chases your body with his torso.

When you stand up, he does too. His leg lights every single nerve up in a blaze of agony, but he's too gone in his own rage to think about it.

"I... I know you're mad, but please, sit down Kiyoomi-"

You're right.

"Shut the hell up!"

Even on one foot, he towers over you threateningly. You bring your hands up to try and force distance between you both; your touch does ground him slightly, but not enough to stop his scorn.

You sniffle softly, clearly uncomfortable, "you're just mad... and that's okay. Please stop shouting at me, we can make this work, kiyoomi."

Now, his eyes are scalding with furious tears.

"I want this to work, oomi... please, stop shouting-"

“It doesn’t matter if you want it to work,” he snaps. “I’ve got a plan to stick to that’s already been screwed because of us, AND IT'S YOUR GODDAMNED FAULT!"

When you sob and crumple to your feet, there’s a small part of kiyoomi that comes to, the words suddenly sour on his tongue. He feels… confused, he doesn’t know where it came from inside of him, but the way your eyes water from his words snaps him back to reality.

“I’m… im ruining your plan?” You choke, and god kiyoomi wants the floor to engulf him whole. Because duh, of course now you’re not he’s just the scum of the earth, you’re all he can think of wanting in this shitty life, but he can’t say that, not when your hands cover your mouth in distress and horror, tears slipping over your fingers. He feels the blood leave his face when you take a step back, followed by another, then one as you turn on your heel to leave.

“Wait-“

“No, Kiyoomi,” you snap, and its his turn to feel your rage, your head whipping to look at him in betrayal. “No. I’m officially done waiting for you.”

And despite the fact that he wants to chase you, wants to gather you in his arms and pin you to the wall and demand you listen to him, listen to why his plan has changed and how you’ve completely ruined all of it in the best ways, he can’t. His leg throbs at the mere idea.

He just. Stands there, frozen for god knows how long, staring at the long slammed door, wondering if you’d come back for something you’d forgot in your exit. Something dumb, like a charger or a water bottle, something easily replaceable but you wanted from him just as a last chance makeup.

But you don’t. And once his good leg starts to cramp from standing there, he slowly moves his way to his bedroom.

And he’s fine. Honest!

Sitting by himself in the cold of night gives him more time to think about the future. The one without you, of course. Limping around the dorm on crutches makes his arms ache and knees weak, and the backpack on his shoulders making him fall forwards is plenty to make his elbows strengthen up (they’re withering away) and his breathing circulate (he’s breathing back tears of pain and frustration.)

He can’t… he can’t do this without you.

Call him selfish, but his life was not only easier with you around, it was better, it was fun to love you and have you scream his name from the stands, but now that seat is occupied by someone else when it should be yours and yours alone.

He’s tried to get over it. He’s tried to get everything in line, get you the hell out of his mind but he can’t.

You’re different. He hates you for it. There’s something about you that refused to leave his mind and soul. Every time someone is interested in him, he feels disgusted because every crush is based on appearances now; it never was with you. Every time someone laughs, his first thought is how much he misses yours. When one of those stupid fast food commercials comes on in the late hours of night, he smiles sadly as he remembers the way your eyes would meet his and you’d beg him for some fries at ungodly hours.

He has to move on. It’s been fucking years. Why hasn’t he moved on?

Any sane person by now would have moved on, passed through his heartbreak and try to find another, but he’s so emotionally unavailable at this point. Every thought and every reminder that plagues him continues to hit like a ton of bricks every time.

Maybe it's guilt.

No, its definitely guilt.

He loved you, more than you could imagine, he appreciated you more than he can express, and to show you how much you mean to him, he blamed you for his failures.

No wonder he deserves to be alone.

And just when his exhaustion can't grow, his self destruction and crumbling self worth can't get lower, he gets thrown in another circle of hell that he seems to find himself in; this time, in a coffee shop he frequents. Not too many familiar faces, just a couple blocks from the train, and up until that point, only having known him as an alias.

Until today, when the Gods decide to torture him a bit more.

“Name?”

“Sakusa,” he says, not even thinking as he scrolls on his phone. There’s a high pitched gasp from the girl, and it makes his eye twitch.

“NO WAY!!! Oh my gosh, you’re THE sakusa kiyoomi?! Oh my gosh, wait, hold on- can I get a picture? No, wait, you’re not into those- can I get an autograph? I knew you looked familiar, my sister and I watch you play all the time! I’m such a fan!-“

“Uh… thanks. Can I have my tea-“

The girl doesn’t answer, instead, she calls for her co-worker who barrels out in equal excitement.

On any normal day, kiyoomi would snap. He’d scold and snarl about how rude they were, how he’s still a fucking person who just so happens to be good at volleyball, but he’s like a deer in headlights. He’s too surprised at his own stupidity of not using his usual alias, how damn tired is he?

There’s a weight that feels like a ton of bricks that settles on his chest once he hears the line behind him complaining about how long it’s taking, then people behind the register flashing pictures that have him blinded and asking him questions he doesn’t want to answer, he just wants his tea for God’s sake and-

“HEY!” There’s a snap from someone at a table, and it breaks up the small, impromptu paparazzi at the front. “People are trying to work here, and not get a damn seizure from your damn pictures!” He feels all that anxiety break on his shoulders once they cower away. “And shame on you all!” They continue, the line slowly parting to let them continue shouting. “He may be famous but he’s still a damn person! Make the fucking drink and GO!”

Kiyoomi doesn’t want to look. Even if he’s eternally grateful for them, he knows that scold and he knows that bravery to call out random people for their shiftiness.

Because it’s the same thing you used to do all those years ago.

He winced and pulls the mask higher on his nose to keep himself concealed- as if he’s not a 190.5 cm monster. But you don’t say anything about anything that just happened, you must be deep in your work to not process just exactly who you were defending.

He gets his tea with a quick apology from the baristas, and he heads to the door to leave.

….

…right?

He’s gone. He’s on the bus, headphones in and heading to practice, audiobook putting him in a new world where his only current connection is the hot tea in his hands.

Right?

There’s always been a table on the bus, a table he rudely stalks up to, where you’re sitting and typing away furiously at your laptop and massaging one of your temples, too engrossed in your work to notice the outside hitter standing just in front of you.

“Uh…” he chews his lip nervously. You don’t look up.

This is the chance Komori’s been talking about. If he doesn’t take it, he’s going to hate himself forever.

“Thank you for standing up for me back there.”

“You’re welcome.”

He sighs staggered, “can I… uhm… repay the favor?”

To his extreme relief, you offer him a small chuckle, “maybe you can recommend a coffee shop where random cele…” your voice drifts off when you look up at him, jaw frozen open and eyes wide and dancing all over his face. You’re both just staring at each other, breathing ragged and tense, and his brows furrowing to try and hide the guilt and absolute need he has for you to continue the conversation.

You clear your throat, “your uhm… your foot healed uh… well.”

He wants to, but can’t, fight the snort that sneaks past his lips because that’s about the last thing he thought you’d say. But he sees you crack a smile too, and it’s worth it.

“Yeah,” he says after he clears his throat. “Yeah, I’m playing professionally now. Minor aches here and there, but nothing unusual.”

“So you got to stick with your plan,” you hum sadly, and his heart stops. “That’s wonderful, Sakusa. Im glad to hear it-“

“But my plan never felt complete,” he interrupts, and he sees your nostrils flare in annoyance. “I-I-I thought I knew what I wanted, but god, I didn’t. I don’t, I’ve always only wanted you.”

You offer him a shrug, “Kiyoomi, I was an intruder in your life; I can’t blame you for that, I shouldn’t have been there-“

“I wanted you there.”

“Clearly you didn’t,” you snip, and finally, he sighs in defeat. “You made it just fine without me in your plan.”

Fuck it.

If he’s here, he’s gonna lay all his cards, give you every last thought of his and leave you one more time to pick up your shattered pieces.

“I miss you.”

You freeze, but there’s a glazing of your waterline before you slowly, tensely, turn up to look at him.

“Don’t,” you snap. “Don’t do this, Sakusa.”

“I can’t help it,” he says, own voice twinging raw. "I hate it too. I hate that I've had to carry this weight with me for all these years, years I should've been with you, kept you safe and happy, and I couldn't even do that."

"You shattered what we had. Don't ever forget that."

"I never have been able to."

There's another silence surrounding you both, suffocating and hot and thick, and he gets flashbacks of a scenario not too dissimilar, where you're looking up at him with those same, betrayed eyes.

But your gaze doesn't last. It crumbles before you let out the breath you'd been holding, a sign that you're not going to waste your energy on him anymore, "you're too late, Kiyoomi. You don't get to miss me anymore."

When your hands shift to close your laptop, he sees it. The massive, heavy rock on your finger, glimmering under the soft lights of the coffee shop.

Kiyoomi feels sick. He could faint right now if his pride would let him. Instead, he swallows the bile in his throat and grits his teeth, giving you a smile and a casual scratch of the back of his head, "that's... that's awesome! I'm happy for you."

"Don't be," you smile sadly.

"Why?"

You shurg, "you don’t have to be happy for me. I’m happy for me. He's a friend of Bokuto-San's. Set us up not long after we broke up." Then, you sigh shakily, "I'm just here for work, I won't taint your coffee shops for much longer." It was an attempt to break up the heavy silence.

He could puke right now if he didn't feel completely defeated. He could strangle Bokuto in devastation.

In his younger, naïve efforts to drive you away, he drove you straight to someone else's arms.

He nods and chokes out a small "alright," before spinning on his heel away from you

He makes move to leave the coffee shop, but before he does, but before he can, he turns back to face you, trying to get one final look at you, soaking in your presence and soul before you vanish from his life forever. He calls your name, and you look at him one more time with that big, beautiful gaze.

"Do you believe in the one that got away?" he asks, and you process his answer before slipping your computer in your bag.

"Yeah. And I believe I'm yours- but you were too worried about losing volleyball. Now, I guess we all got what we wanted."

His veins turn icy as he tries to blink back the hot tears searing his waterline, turning his head to dodge your knowing eyes.

Everyone got what they wanted.

Except for his broken heart, of course.

[some-of-us-watch-the-sunset-too]

hi!! i understand if you don’t feel comfortable writing this but could you maybe do a lil thing where someone from the gang realizes reader tried to like. die. and the gang kinda comforts them? again u don’t need to lol

Mental health with the boys

A/N: i’ve got these two asks that are kinda similar so i’m gonna write a bit of a combination of the two. i’ll also say i’m not very yk- all knowing when it comes to this stuff so i’m only taking from my own experiences.

Tags: angsty fluff maybe?

if you told him you were struggling with your mental health Darry would most likely be the most sensible of the boys in the sense that he’d help you find a therapist over just helping you deal with stuff himself. he’d always be there for you when you needed him and he’d help you come up with coping mechanisms. if it was an ED he might make a meal plan with you and you could come over to the curtis’ every evening for dinner if that helped you to eat. he wouldn’t put pressure to eat though of course.

Soda would be like darry in some ways but also he wouldn’t be in other ways. If he found out you were struggling he would be the most caring and supportive person ever in your healing journey. i honestly doubt that a therapist would be his first thought process but it might come a little later. i think he’d try to keep things lighthearted for the most part to try and help you maybe to forget your problems for a little while when you’re together.

Ponyboy, oh poor pony. he really wouldn’t know what to do, especially since he’s so young. he’d try to comfort you hand help as much as he can but he would most likely go to darry for advice on what to do. the one thing i think he’d do well is noticing when you’re getting anxious or something. maybe you tap your foot or bounce your knee, maybe you fiddle with your pen or switchblade or something. whatever it is he’d notice and when he does notice these things, he probably won’t say anything but he’d put his hand on your arm and then if he knew that you didn’t mind hugs when you were anxious he’d hug you.

Dally..as much as i wanna say “he’d be so supportive and always there for you blah blah blah” he wouldn’t really. i mean he’d try to understand but since he’s spent his whole life burying his emotions and ignoring his problems that he wouldn’t know where to begin when trying to help someone else. because of that he’d go to darry for help, so then like i said in darry’s section he’d help you find a councillor or a therapist or something. one thing that i like to think is that when you come home from your therapy sessions that you talk about stuff like coping mechanisms that you can use and then dal would start trying to use them. in some way, you’d be learning how to heal together.

Two-Bit ml, he’d be very different than you might think he would. i mean in the film specifically (in my opinion) he’s presented as always joking and quite frankly- dumb. in the book he is presented similarly but he has a few moments where he can get very philosophical even (dk if that’s the right word or not) when he talks about what life is like for the greasers. given these i think that Two would be very helpful, i honestly think that he secretly has his own stuff going on so he might be able to relate to how you feel and he would 100% help as much as possible. same as pony he’d notice what you do when you get anxious so he’d be first to help you when you do.

I love Steve but if you started crying in front of him he’d be so awkward. he doesn’t really- get sad. he gets angry instead. so he has no clue what to do when someone cries in front of him. he’d go to soda for help on what to do. then soda would go to darry and basically what he does it what darry would do. just like dally over time he’d start to adopt the coping mechanisms you learned and he’d start dealing with his own things too. he’d start journaling. don’t ask why, he just would.

Johnny…well as always with johnny im kinda stumped so ignore how bad this is ok? johnnys sweet, but he’s dealing with so much he just finds it hard to help you yk? you two would lay in the lot and vent to each other but i don’t know if either of you would help each other too much? i say maybe you would convince each other to get professional help n stuff though. in school you two would sneak off together if one of you needed to get away from everything for a bit. again like some of the others, you’d learn to heal together, only this time you’re both aware of it. unlike dal and steve who would try to hide it.

[hanarchy]

I'm a Chan girlie (derogatory) and I do agree tbh. He seems like a genuinely good guy but I feel like he's got issues and needs therapy tbh with you. But then again, I have a hard time blaming him for that, boy was pushed from a young age by his weird ass parents to be famous, was flown out to a foreign country on his own at like 12 or 13 and immediately put in the worst position a young teen who just likes music could be in. I really like the guy, but a lot of his fans act like he's a lot more than what it is: a musically talented good looking dude who just happened to become famous.

mhm yeah i think like. he’s an interesting case study in terms of kpop and fame in general. i have a feeling this reply is gonna get ridiculously long so i’m sorry in advance.

edit: ok i split it up into parts:

1. teenager and industry in general

2. early career and skz as a group

3. recent position in the company and fans

edit 2: i also put it under a read more. listen i know u never asked me to psychoanalyze bang christopher chan on this beautiful august evening but i, like literally everyone else in this fandom, just cannot resist it 💀

bro i gotta be honest with u idk why i typed all this out and theres certainly no real point but its done now

1. teenager and kpop industry in general

like i think chan is the perfect idol less in how talented he is (please do not misconstrue this as me saying he is not talented that is not what i said) but much much more in this ‘narc energy’ i tried to describe earlier. it is very obvious that companies don’t just look for star quality but also for obedience and what they like to call ‘good nature’ as well as for resilience and the willingness to basically destroy yourself for your career.

and chan certainly has that. like i think about how he speaks about his dad and how deeply uncomfortable it makes me to hear him talk because it reminds me of soso many of my childhood friends who thought they needed to live up to some ideal their parents either picked for them or represented. now most people kind of start developing away from that in their teenage years and form an identity of their own but what kpop companies do really effectively is to intervene in that process and give these teens a new ideal to neatly replace the old one.

on the one hand that’s kind of convenient because it means you have to do much less emotional work, if your parents are supportive of this dream it makes for an easy transition for them, too because you don’t have to fight them for more freedom all the time and honestly apart from the dieting it is a relatively safe way to assert independence. like teenagers are also impulsive and kinda bad at making decisions so i saw a lot of my friends go down a much more self-destructive road than becoming a trainee.

on the other hand though you do have to grow up sometime and if you really take the idol life and that dream seriously that kinda means selling your body and soul to a deeply corrupt capitalist machine and a faceless public that each have the power to make or break you. like you promise so much of your energy, future earnings and also just so much of your time on earth to this career before you’ve ever even had a normal job.

like by all accounts chan was way too young to understand what any of this entailed when he decided to do it (frankly i think its hard to understand even as an adult like i certainly have no fucking idea what it must feel like to have thousands of people on the internet ask you to show them your bedroom)

and like whats especially twisted (i think its mostly post bts but i think as a prototype shinee are a good example as well and i think tbh kpop also learned from the success of one direction and how intensely parasocial that was thanks to a casting show) is that companies figured out that fans form a close emotional bond with idols who are perceived to have struggled and suffered. like it’s a good story for the underdog to make it big, for the guys with a creative vision to do their own thing to make it in a highly regulated industry.

it’s kind of obvious with how many groups get documentaries where they cry and struggle and how few of them get actual psychological help that companies have an incentive to make them suffer (justice for my sweet sakura she needs rest and support and PRIVACY).

now i’m not saying anyone is being tortured or anything and i’m not one of those ‘kpop is trafficking’ truthers like i think its much more mundane in how they use the natural stressors of the job, cultural expectations and the idols’ own perfectionism or traits and just point a camera at them.

for chan its the being the eldest child responsibility, the real need to please his father figures and his perfectionist nature. plus i do think foreign idols (even from korean families) often feel they need to prove that they can be a part of korean society, that they are as respectful and well behaved and understand the norms and customs.

and jyp(e) (both the man and the company) was kind of able to twist their role in his life to be both his torturer and his savior in how they played the stray kids survival show and his trainee career. showering him in praise and at the same time never debuting him, letting him pick his members and then basically publicly tearing all his choices apart over 9 episodes. etc etc

like he was always gonna come out of that mix either really loving the company and authority figures in his life or deeply resenting all of it and i think his ambition and pride (which can keep u from admitting u made a wrong decision) kept him from the latter option.

2. early career and skz as a group

i think early adulthood is kind of the time where you get to test your new identity you created as a teen against the reality of living in the world. are your talents enough? is your self-image correct? do you have the strength and resilience to be who you want to be? did you know how to pick the right people to support you and be friends with?

and i think like this is where chan felt like his choice of sticking with the company was correct because they gave him comebacks, money, creative support, creative freedom, they didnt doubt the group when woojin left and gave chan so many things to make the music he wants to make and also they had the patience to wait out the first win, the first hit, the parasocial fanbase and so on.

so like that probably solidified his impression that he made the right choice and again all the stress and the pressure coupled with that support made this kind of abusive bond between the company and chan even stronger.

and now you have him caring for the whole group, which is both exploiting and playing into his strength which is his sense of responsibility. and i think again he probably felt like a gift was being given to him in the form of a debut and 7 guys who he could care for and who also cared for him enough to take on some of that responsibility.

he’s testing his self perception of being talented, reliable, strong against the reality of being an idol and he feels like he made the right choices, like the identity he picked for himself as a teen is viable and so his love for the company is reinforced and is strengthened by his love for the members.

plus you get this fan layer which is another highly complex relationship to process. its kind of unconditional adoration except its HIGHLY conditional and you dont know what those conditions are. i think his reaction to that random cornrow thing and how he generally seems indignant and mad about being told what to do by fans is soooooo interesting bc like. this is the king of fanservice to a frankly ABSURD degree like no other idol is that bad, again i’m sorry to the chan girls but that bbl vibe is so…. 😬

so it gains another layer and maybe a realer support system and more true friendships that arent transactional. but at the same time he gains this faceless crowd making decisions for him. like thats a tangled psychological web and its obvious why he would be so loyal to the company and the established status quo since they never wavered in their support for him even when he was stupid and more importantly EVEN when he wasnt making them money.

3. recent position in the company and fans

now like. ive been talking about him kind of as if he doesnt know that his relationship with the company is transactional but i think he has always been aware of it but that he was just ok with what he got out of it. because i think he also has a veryyyyy healthy self confidence and his ambition is BIG like.

i always say that the only thing abt skz’s personalities that i am actually certain of is their ambition. they want to be the biggest group in the company, in the industry, they want to be the biggest group in the world. I think chan has wanted that for a long time. and i think he understands why the company built the narratives they did.

like i actually kind of disagree with you a little bc i think he very very deliberately got famous and he also deliberately did it in this company. because as hard to navigate as this whole web is emotionally, for a man in a kpop company (and yes, gender is EXTREMELY important in this context) theres also a fixed set of rules and steps to influence and power (there are some exceptions like got7 but even they were eventually able to leave with their group name and trademarks which is entirely unheard of for girl groups). he followed the steps laid out by jype and he has what he wanted now. and i think bang chan today has a lot of agency, he has a lot of power over the group but also in the company so in many ways he did actually make the right decisions when he was very young and i think this position in the company is good for his pride as well.

now you mentioned his fans and how weird some of them are about him and i think tbh it’s somewhat normal and expected that they are this weird abt him given the entire strange and complex relationship i just explained. like he himself does not know how to handle his fans in a way thats healthy for him. i think channies room was the biggest proof of that and the way his confidence seems to have skyrocketed since that ended is kind of interesting to me.

like ok heres my last mean statement about him: he does not care about his fans more than any other idol. he does not mean to ‘protect’ all of us. he is appreciative and grateful. and i think something unique about him and skz is that there seem to be very many kpop (male) groups who dont like being known for kpop or as idols. they want credit as artists and singers and musicians in other genres. i think hes unique in that he has real respect for idol music and idol work and the kind of fans that come along with it (young women).

i also think he means it when he says skz aims to be a safe place for their fans and a fun place but i think he had to find out what that means for himself. he genuinely seems to want good things for people but he used to pretend he had a personal relationship with every single fan and that’s bound to lead to a fucked reaction from fans. like him pretending to be your boyfriend on bbl or him yelling at that seoul concert or the strangely intimate nature of chans room all kind were his own doing and i do think its a bit of his own fault that fans are this weird abt him.

and i think he probably thought he had to do all that because of how much responsibility he took on in the company and EVERYTHING i mentioned above so like. his own perception is also fucked. but i think realizing that he is allowed boundaries and that he can have a relationship with fans on his own terms has been very good for him. theres a real sense of separation these days, he seems to volunteer information or photos/content rather than having it forced out of him.

unfortunately the damage is done and chan stans are already… like that. like i have NEVER met a chan bias who doesnt on some level believe they know him better than everyone else, even the most level headed ones. hell i kinda think i understand him better than everyone else (look at this stupidly long post). and the recent distance that is perceived as new and unusual from him has left a lot of fans feeling rejected. and because they put him up on such a high pedestal and believe all of his declarations of love they cant stand the idea that it was his doing/decision and look for some other thing to blame (the company, other fans, the members… the list goes on)

[everythingwasnormalhere]

🧸🏳️‍🌈♿📈 and uhh "how do their family/friends react to it" once I forgot the emoji for- for kenny and uhh maybe Craig and also maybe twerk? (That is if u hc either of them as disabled In any way)

I hc literally everyone as disabled, so you're getting answers for all 3 >:3

Kenny:

♿️ - What is their disability/disabilities? What are the symptoms that they show?

Besides his chronic pain i wont stop talking about, he has AuDHD, depression, MaDD and C-PTSD ✨

His C-PTSD symtoms didn't show much until adulthood (late 20s-early 30s), because that was when his brain processed the environment as safe and stopped being in permanent survival mode. However, the symptoms of everything else have showed since he was Really young, his MaDD was at its worst when he was around 12 (iykyk) and got better since he left south park, mainly after he started therapy (took him long enough smh)

📈 - What age was their disability formed, or became apparent, at?

The first time one of his deaths still hurt after the fact was on s3 e1, after Kelly revived him. However, he didn't give it much thought, thinking it was just what getting killed by lightning was like. Then it was kind of like a roulette whether it'd hurt or not, but even when it did it was incredibly easy to ignore - until his teens, when he died so often (more on purpose than not) it quickened the effects a lot

🦮 - Do they have supportive friends and/or family? How do they help on bad days? (i think you meant this one)

Yeah, he does! His friends are generally supportive, even cartman after he gets over his assholery. His siblings too :) stuart however is an asshole, and even though kenny went NC with carol i feel like she'd be quite supportive idk. And about how they help on bad days, cuddles from butters mostly do the trick XD if butters isn't there though, more often than not will someone at the very least pay attention to him, either helping out by getting him stuff (food etc) or doing something to keep him entertained (talking, board games, depends on how hes feeling tbh)

🧸- Do they have a comfort item?

He used to have his orange parka, but since karen inherited he doesn't have it anymore, so i would say he doesn't really have any comfort items? Unless we count the mimikyu plush, but idk if that would really qualify as a comfort item much, other than making him think of butters whenever he sees it :)

🏳️‍🌈 - A random headcanon about them and their disability

-He diagnosed craig's autism way before any professional did, but he thought craig was aware of it so he didn't say anything 💀 (he has the strongest autismdar ever) -Most of his daydreams are similar to the stuff he thought in the cheesing episode in some way or another -He used to deal with flashbacks by going on normally with his life, to the point nobody but his friends could ever tell he was going through The Horrors - however as his PTSD worsened he couldn't do that anymore

Craig:

♿️ - What is their disability/disabilities? What are the symptoms that they show?

Autism, it's painfully obvious yet he wasn't diagnosed till he was 15 😭

📈 - What age was their disability formed, or became apparent, at?

From kenny's pov, ever since craig was born 💀 but most people in his life didn't see it as disabling until it began messing with his studies in his teens

🦮 - Do they have supportive friends and/or family? How do they help on bad days?

YUP!!! His parents didn't think it was autism at first, "no everyone does that", surprise all the Tucker's are autistic XD They were a bit confused at first, not knowing what to do, but they were still super supportive about it :) Tricia was as much of a dick to him as usual so nothing new on her side lmao, and his friends were cool about it as soon as they learnt about his diagnosis (cue teasing from kenny and jimmy for thinking he was neurotipical smh, nah craig sry but you stuck with the nds 💀). Also, TWEEK, boy is so loud and that makes him feel so guilty because of how it overwhelms craig ;w; he was the first person who knew craig got diagnosed besides his family, and he did his best to accomodate him as much as he needed :3

🧸- Do they have a comfort item?

Not comforting autism-wise but comforting regardless, the shit ton of (accurate to constellations) glow in the dark stars in his bedroom, he cannot sleep without them. He also has a tiny alien plush keychain he found at Tweek's house and Tweek insisted he should keep it (neither of them know where it came from 💀), so that's another thing :)

🏳️‍🌈 - A random headcanon about them and their disability

-After the diagnosis he refused to leave his room for weeks because he didn't know how to cope with it, and nobody besides his family and tweek were allowed to come in during that period - in the end though, with their help he accepted it -Something I've mentioned a couple times already but is hilarious to me: he didn't talk until he was four (how did it take him so long to get diagnosed), and his first words were a "cállate pendejo" directed at cartman 😭

Tweek:

♿️ - What is their disability/disabilities? What are the symptoms that they show?

Tourettes, anxiety, schizophrenia and PPD - most of these were at the very least influenced by the whole meth in coffee thing

📈 - What age was their disability formed, or became apparent, at?

He gave symptoms of all these since he was really young, besides PPD, which only became obvious almost as soon as he left his house

🦮 - Do they have supportive friends and/or family? How do they help on bad days?

Family? Haha ok next question--- About his friends though, they do their best to help him with it. Most times during the worst days he can only stand Craig's company, who will listen to him and try to help him feel safe, however normally he's ok enough to be with others just fine. He gets accomodations at college and later at work too, like being allowed to stay home some days or to leave early

🧸- Do they have a comfort item?

YES YES YES !!! Storytime, after craig and tweek dated for three years, craig's anniversary gift was a green stuffed stegosaurus (since tweek was fixated on dinosaurs back then), which tweek named peanuts :) Peanuts became the way tweek would deal with any anxiety attacks, but he tugged at him so hard he broke - however, laura patched peanuts up for tweek (after craig quite literally begged her to, she would've done it anyway but he did anyway) Then, when they moved out, peanuts disappeared :( until the tuckers found him under craig's bed, who knows how he ended up there XD SO tweek's comfort item is the oldest most used up cutest little stego ever :3 (also does having a room full of spiders count as a comfort item? idk but he does cuz he loves spiders, craig despises that room with his whole soul poor boy hates spiders so much 😭)

🏳️‍🌈 - A random headcanon about them and their disability

Went NC with his parents as soon as he could!!! He also stopped drinking their coffee in his early teens, but because he (and everyone tbh) thought what messed up his health was the caffeine not the meth - he didn't find out about the fact he was being drugged until he was told the "secret family recipe" when he turned 18 (and, understandably, he was PISSED)

[lacystar]

swag freaking ever. warrior cats your phantom thieves.

picrew is here. Morgana excluded bc it's funny. headcanons and names under the cut because. sure.

All cats are in shadowclan, except for akechi. ryuji: Yellowskull -(tentative. I wanted smth with lightning but lightningskull sounds dumb and I can't name him thunderskull bc that breaks naming rules) - a determined warrior. got in a squabble with a certain deputy from windclan when he was an apprentice that left him with a permanent limp and nasty scar on his leg. originally thought he would never fight or hunt again, but the support of his classmates and some intense physical therapy along with his fiery determination has helped him improve significantly. he can patrol and can hold his own in a fight!! - was originally contender for deputy, but his injury let makoto get that promotion instead, but he's chill with that because he knows she can handle it better than he ever would.

Ann: Pantherstep - originally Pantherpelt, but took on Shiho's (Smokestep) suffix in her honor when everyone was originally unsure if she'd pull through. - Even though Shiho can't leave camp, ann brings her things from her adventures outside and helps her with her physical therapy and does everything she can to cheer her up. she even learned a couple medicine cat basics to swoop in and help if need be. - descended from a couple generations of kittypets and still gets judged for it.

Joker: Nightstar (formerly Nightmask) (yes, mask is canonically a WC suffix) - born and raised as a rogue until late into apprentice age, got found by a clan elder (sojiro) and dragged by the scruff into camp for "trespassing" even though he had no idea where he was or what he was doing, and things sort of snowballed into him going from hostage to clan member, and now he's the leader.

Yusuke: Foxfrost - originally from riverclan, trained as a medicine cat apprentice before getting caught up in his mentor's evil plot. ended up getting help from joker and grew close to him as they navigated that whole ordeal. riverclan wasn't exactly stoked to get their inner corruption discovered by an outsider, and Yusuke got some flack for asking for help from him, and the accusations just sort of piled up and joker brought a sopping wet Yusuke home with him and now he's in shadowclan. - obviously shadowclan didn't need another med cat, so he gave that up and finds satisfaction in fighting beside his clanmates.

Makoto: Maplestrike - Joker's deputy - Has seen the fate of a deputy that lacks patience and faith in her sister and refuses to make the same mistake

Futaba: Sunsplash - Shadowclan's medicine cat - "why isn't Takemi-" shut up . she was prolly her mentor idk - following in her mother's footsteps of being a med cat. has been having visions from starclan since she was very young- most of which were painful and inflicted the horrors. - joker acts more as her advisor than she does his, but he doesn't mind that. she supports the clan well and theyre close. - man she's literally an oracle what do u want me to say

Haru: Blackfern - I always feel bad having to write shit for Haru in Aus or stories and not having anything to say because she's just kinda . there. :sob: - uhhhhhhh man idk maybe her dad was from riverclan or something idfk this post has turned into an unexpected project

Akechi: Crowstripe - deputy of thunderclan, double crossing his father and leader to assist Shadowclan in an attempted mutiny. but he plans to get the last laugh - I forgot what those fucking like meetings the clans met up at every moon things are called. but anyways ever since he was an apprentice and so was joker they've tussled at those to "Train" until they became warriors. seeing joker become a leader before him has been actual hell. - killed Futaba's mom. thats also just canon thats not the au but I felt like it needed to be restated.

[ittybittyluci]

I just gotta ask!! Why do you think the reasons Lucifer's relationship with Lilith nosedived? How would YOU handle that aspect of the show were you involved in the show? Do you think Lilith is possessed by eve? Do you think he should/would get back with Lilith or try and move on, either just with Charlie or just being friends with her like divorced parents on good terms?

Oooo! Look at this, what a question! And I am happy to answer!

As for what I think the CANON reason for their relationship going sideways, honestly I have absolutely no idea. However, here’s how I would go about writing that (and it’s similar to how I touch on their relationship in my fic What Time Is It. It’s not centred around their relationship, just Luci, but they do have a small arc and I talk about their history)

Anyways. EHHEHEM!

————

To be honest, I think it would be extremely interesting to write a narrative where Luicfer became an uber depressed shut in, and Lilith didn’t know how to deal with it so she left. It would make a narrative of good character complexity that wouldn’t villainize either part, and would be pretty accurate to how poor mental can have a negative impact on relationships irl too. On one hand, Lucifer is hurting and needs support, but on the other hand they have a daughter and Lilith shouldn’t be forced to take care of him if it’s not what she signed up for.

I also like the idea of her just… not being able to fully grasp how much losing his home hurt him. The place she got cast out of was beautiful, sure, but the only other person was an asshole to her. Lucifer grew up w/ a family and people he cared about and wanted to do right by. She never understood how much that hurt, and this was never able to sympathize with him. Part of her views him as weak and sensitive, part of ehr feels BAD for thinking that because he’s her husband. In the end, however, she thought it would be best to take Charlie and leave because she didn’t want their daughter to see Luci so low.

Alternatively, Lucifer was so deep in his depression that he inadvertently ended up neglecting his duties as both a father AND a ruler, and pushing them on her. He loves his wife and child, but he spends most his time in his office. When he WAS near Lilith, he was clingy and desperate, and overly sensitive about everything because he was afraid that SHE was going to push him away too. Creating a sort of self-fulfilled prophecy for himself. However none of that is REALLY his fault because he grew up in a world where he was just supposed to be happy and perfect, where there was no real depression that anyone got help with, and the w as cats to a place where therapy was never really an option.

Ofc it didn’t start off that way, but as the millennia went by things got worse and worse until Lilith left, and Lucifer completely shut himself off from Hell, thinking his family (and any potential friends he MAY have made) were better off w/o him because he always managed to fuck things up.

Personally I think that’s one of the more compelling approaches the story could take. It just makes both of them feel more human, make u able to sympathize with them, and doesn’t completely villainize either of them. It’s just a messy, complicated situation that neither knew how to handle. But they both still love each other deeply. If they DID choose to go this route in the show, I think they COULD move forward if they just got better communication, and found someone to help them navigate the complexities of the relationship. Lilith would have to learn to be more understanding w/ Luci during his bad days, and Lucifer would have to work on himself to get better, and help take off some of the workload.

(As for what Lilith’s doing in heaven,.. honestly no real clue. There’s too much info we don’t know for me to make a guess that isn’t just COMPLETELY fanon. I kind of know how it would work into the above topic if I took some big leaps, but I don’t wanna get TOO outlandish w/ this post. So we’ll just leave that alone 😅)

Anyways, THANK YOU for this ask! It was so fun to write and speculate and PLEASE let me know what you think ;)

[justallihere]

Alli this chapter was such a nice surprise !!

Violet is a sarcastic queen "we can hold hands" she says to Liam as if the only person she wants to hold hands with is not her husband. Liam and Violet are very special to me and the way you write them is very unique. He's so protective of her but she's also very strict on her boundaries in the friendship which I love for her.

Oh so the panflet did make its rounds in this fic. Devera u sneaky bitch I know what u are (a traitor). This is a perfect opportunity to reveal some truths but because our Violet is indeed the queen of a whole ass country I doubt she's gonna do that, there's just too much at stake, but I do wish she had done something in canon. I wonder if she's gonna talk to Devera here? If she even suspects it was her?

“Be logical, riders,” Markham said as he collected the last of the leaflets. “When has Navarre ever sent a riot of only Blue dragons? I expect better from you all. More critical thinking. It will be imperative once you’re out of Basgiath and on the battlefield.” oh this is pure gold the way propaganda is discussed here is just so good. i love these conflicts.

Jack is back ?? creating chaos for sure. maybe trying to murder violet? omg imagine violet being able to see that he's a venin way earlier bc she's sees the sage way too often in her dreams and when she sees jack she goes "umm that's weird, that's suspicious" Also I've always thought Baide was sus for keeping it hidden i hope the damn dragon dies. maybe tairn can actually kill a dragon this time.

Oh Xaden is just so miserable my poor baby "I know you're awake" ohhhh u wanna talk to her so bad. Violet acknowledging they have a routine is very special to me and an improvement. As much as it hurt me them sleeping in separate beds it's very much needed bc they need to TALK I'm just waiting for the chapter in which they will fight so bad they both break and then they'll make up.

their conversations in the dark !! they need each other so badly, the weight of ruling is heavy and while xaden may try to play it off he doesn't handle it well either.

“Yes and no. Eventually you get used to it. You stop feeling the weight. You do the best you can with what you have, and you make so many horrible choices that it’s all you know, and you have to make yourself stop second-guessing. It’ll drive you mad if you don’t.” Sir what u need is therapy.

Violet talking about her dying before seeing her future and Xaden saying she'll live and then Violet calling him a liar … THATS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT !! and followed by her calling Aretia home and Xaden having a mini breakdown over it ? oh he's very screwed indeed but she isn't much better. i wonder when will she realize its him that's home and not Aretia the place.

also xaden suffering the consequences (violet putting herself in danger for the good of Tyrrendor) of his own actions?? we love to see it but also omg the angst !! he's just like "pls sit down don't do anything dangerous"

"We’re married. We’re supposed to be a team." she knew she had him with that, the only thing he wants more than for her to live its for them to be a team. the cant live without u line is very on brand for violet denial sorrengail to misinterpret love that !!

love the bodhi and violet crumbs !! they're family they need to interact more i also think they'd be a formidable pair against xaden just to annoy him lmao. but for now bodhi will rat her out to xaden !! he's part of the "violet and xaden should talk like rational adults" club. also they're so married bickering so so married they're disgusting actually. (him not missing the opportunity to call her beautiful, sir you are not that sneaky i see u)

xaden agreeing to go with violet on her suicide mission is very supportive partner coded gottalove that !! cant wait to see him go ballistic when shes tortured.

once again you've delivered such a good chapter thank u so much <3

My favorite thing about Violet is that she’s kind of a bitch because so am I and we deserve that representation. She loves Liam so very much but my girl likes her space

Violet and Devera talk soon-ish. I love Devera so much, I need more of her

Xaden and Violet are in their married couple era for SURE, there’s more communication from them in the coming chapters and it’s gonna hurt and it’s gonna be so good I can’t wait

“what u need is therapy” that’s what Garrick and Bodhi are for 😭😭

Listen like it’s so important to me that they follow through on the things they agreed to. They talked and they decided no more secrets and they would do everything together from now on and they took that shit SERIOUSLY!! It’s part of their married dynamic, I love them

Thank you so much for reading 🩷🩷🩷

[terraliensvent]

multiple ppl close to kinah were able to verify that they were in the hospital recovering when the attempt happened. all of those ppl could not collab and lie so one person could get “extra attention” in ur words. Im frustrated with terra staff aswell but that doesn’t mean its ok now to call someones suicide attempt fake so ur feelings seem more valid. I find that extremely sickening. U have zero evidence or good reason for doubt or else u would have vented about it already. all u have is ur feefees. u do need therapy. And mod pls stop validating baseless speculation on smth so serious. what happened 2 people needing proof for claims like this

alright yeah im deleting kinah asks now

first off i dont think that people should just believe whatever they read on the internet, because you dont know who these people are irl. again, thats not to say that you shouldnt give support where you can or that you should make public callouts saying that it was all fake when you dont know for sure, BUT at the same time theres a level of speculation regardless because its the fucking internet. people are wild, people are strangers, and there is a non zero chance that people could have lied. just because people have a level of speculation on something they read online, that doesnt mean they need therapy and it doesnt mean theyre a bad person, it means they have a brain. if YOU want to believe it without a shadow of a doubt then thats fine, and if other people have some doubt thats also fine, just dont go out of your way to fucking bother people because thats just unnecessary.

second off, i need proof for accusations like “so and so is posting feral” or “so and so is an abuser,” saying things like “the way that kinah bounced back into cs makes me speculate” isnt an accusation.

the views of the anons i post here arent reflective of my own views, and if something is a problem i give my own input on it in my response. when i created this blog i didnt want to delete asks because i feel like that controls a narrative and makes me an unreliable narrator when it comes to these discussions. if people want to talk about things like this, i didnt want to force silence because thats not how you hold a discussion.

as an additional note: anons have been becoming increasingly aggressive in my inbox, whether its towards one another or towards myself. i implore all of you to stop being so aggressive, stop making assumptions, and stop playing this holier than thou card. so much of the art and cs community is made up of people who will virtue signal and place themselves on a moral pedestal and my inbox is the last place for that. if you want to rant and complain, go ahead, but stop acting like youre better than each other because you have the Correct Opinion on everything and believe everything you read on the internet.

my final thoughts on this are as follows: there is a non zero chance that everyone is lying. is it a small chance? sure. does this mean we should spread the narrative that it was all fake? no. are you a horrible person who should die in a fire because you dont 100 percent believe that the attempts were real? no, but also dont go out of your way to be an asshole because of that belief. i think we should all publicly operate under the assumption that the attempts were real. if you want to privately speculate, go fucking wild. could kinah going back into cs and making stuff for terras possibly be bad for their mental health? maybe. but also, its none of our business. and thats what im ending this topic with, a lot of this shit really is just none of our business and i think you all give way too much of a fuck about someone who you will never know irl.

i dont dislike kinah, in fact i actually really liked them when they were on staff for terras. but at some point we all gotta throw our arms up and say why is this taking up so much of my brain power when this person is just someone i follow on fucking toyhouse.

we are done with asks about kinahs attempt now, unless anyone has important info or something new to say im deleting them.

[heleizition]

DAMN not me being like whos cody and the plot post being like GODS FUCKING CLONE CHILD. tell me everything we love an apocalypse harbinger. also CAIN MY BOI poor baby needs that therapy. also the whole 'and god thought mh well i liked that lets try again'? chefs kiss. I Wish To Know The Past Lives by you categorised as kinda boring THING pls. does cain get a bestie? someone give this man a bigger support and luv system. also vik is a BABY? a former child. A BABY!! also W HA T is that fuckery with jasper tell me absolutely everything please

SHES MY FAVORITE WEIRDO GIRL I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHES HOLY AND BRINGS A RELIGIOUS FLAVOR OF TERROR THAT I. CARE ABOUT <===== guy who was not raised religious at all idk why im so into it

so in the plot post i mentionned there's a memory thing. everyone remembers bits here and there of their past life, and usually demons mostly remembers bad things they did bc thats how u manipulate people into doing more things that are . not good. cody and jasper are the only ones with no memories of past life bc they were created in this realm, and had no past life. she has no idea she's god's soldier, They sent her down there mostly for Their own entertainement and everything she does is her own choice and will, even if god can "feel it" (which is why . they end up sending the whole lil family back on earth . for a chance to be happy. bc they feel cody's happiness.)

for the rest :

past lives ! um ill put lil warnings before. each lives.

Nell & Belly : tw for child abuse, sexual abuse and exploitation, adults not helping like they should lol

Nell and Belly (btw their full names are Nathanel and Anabelle) are born twins, nell just a few minutes before his sister. their mother died at birth which sent their father (an already not . good guy) into deep constant rage and pain . once they grow up a bit . i mean like. 7 or so. theres sexual abuse happening . and beatings. selling out his kids for a night for money. nothing fun. nell and belly get through it together until at like 16 nell (who's like, underfed, short, no muscles) snaps and stabs their dad over and over again .

nell only remembers this, killing his dad, with absolutely no context behind (protecting himself, protecting his sister, freeing them) so he thinks he used to be a Bad person. after that they get placed in the system, ig theres a trial but its ruled as legitime defense, and once they're 18 belly just. vanishes. they both deal very differently with what their whole life was, nell cant go on, can barely support himself, thinks he should have died right then, and belly flees from nell to find . somewhere where she can forget. she regrets it but nell dies before she can reconnect (not sure how, his death isn't rly whats important here,,, im thinking . so numb he can't rly recognize whats around him . walk in front of a car. yeah). belly struggles to have a happy life after that and ... im not sure how she dies yet. im thinking drowning bc its a thing that almost happens in the farm au....

as an angel, she doesnt remember much, because there wasn't much happiness in her life. also these two as twins have a bond that still connect them in angel/demon realm ! so they know the other exist and they remember once they meet !!

eden : tw for transphobia, drugs, suicide, abusive family ?

i'll go short w him bc it's not pleasant and it makes me sad <==== guy who MADE this backstory

eden is trans, always feels out of place as a kid, as a teen. his parents kick him out at eighteen bc they "can" and bc even if eden never said anything, they Know and don't want him in here. he has a friend who helps for a while, until the rumors spread about him being a ~ freak ~ and his friend is like. im sorry my parents cant let u impose in the house. anymore. : /// . eden is lost and desperate and doesn't know what to do, sells himself, gets into drugs to get through the days, finds out the days aren't worht getting through, kills himself. yay

he's one of the few who's always remembered his past fully,,,

LENA lena my BABYGIRL um tw for war mostly

this happens in a fictif medieval era lmao she's the princess of a kingdom, daughter of a kind king and queen, destined to rule, fighting among the army already, everyone loves her, except her small kingdom gets torn apart by another kingdom, not that much bigger, but with much greater military strength. the country gets torn apart before the army, the king and queen can do anything. the enemies arrive to the capital and lena doesn't even ask and joins the vanguard. she uses a sword at this point, get through enemies after enemies, and it looks like there's hope, until one of the enemy's captain reach her. it's a bit of a eowyn versus the nazgul vibe in lotr except lena doesn't win. she's slain, and slowly dies on hte battlefield with her beloved country burning, and the people she swore to protect screaming and dying.

she's very loved. i care her so much. she's my default when idk what to draw :3 she remembers being a loved princess, and slowly remember the last fight. it haunts her, the weight of losing this fight, that she couldn't do more, even if it's from a time long gone.

titania ummmm well theres grooming. witch hunt and betrayal.

i have to research the exact period titania's past happens, but its between late 1400 and early 1600s i think !

she loses her parents very young and thus, is cared for by the local church. there's a priest here who teaches her to use her looks and innocence as a way to get things, information, food, anything. once she's 13/14, he starts showing her the more physical way to do so.

she starts using sex as a way to learn things. she's the person who knows the most about anyone in the village. she's an important figure, one who's gifted things to keep silent, who gives her body in exchange for things to hang up against someone. she hates the priest who made her who she is . she couldn't have been something else, happier, lighter, but she's this, and she's too deep in to just stop.

she's too powerful, she knows too much, and when there's word in the village of a witch inhabiting it, they all turn to her. they have a way to get rid of her and the power she holds over them. she screams what she knows when she's brought to the center of the village, screams her hate of the priest who made her who she is, destroys everyone's nice little life because it cost hers. she dies burning, and everyone chooses to act like they never heard her in her final day.

she's the wise calm one who's actually full of anger and wrath. i love her a lot. there's this french song i love ("a witch like any other") which talks abt . women. women and men treating women like they're granted. and like. its a titania song. if u wanna give it a listen this version is amazing altho it's more powerful if u know french....

VIK UM OKAY not much tw here. it's just fucking sad. im a terrible oc parent. it's also heavily inspired by hell's girl season 3's protagonist past..................... it's basically that tbh SOEJFEFSJS

his mother and him are not allowed in the village. his mother is sick. he doesn't know it, he just follows his mother. she's kind and beautiful, gives him food and tells him stories. he's 4. they can't get in the village and he doesn't know why, so they find dry places in the woods to live. it's fun, it's everything he's ever known. one day his mother doesn't wake up, so he goes to try and find food by himself, to surprise her. when he's back, she's still not awake. she's stiff and cold, so he gives her his blanket and waits. days pass. he's hungry, he's thirsty, he's 5, he doesn't know anything, doesn't know how to go on, the usually places he finds bits of food are empty. it's colder and his mother hasn't moved since that day.

it's snowing. it's pretty. he wishes his mom could wake up and see it but he's starting to think that maybe she won't.

vik dies, age 5, in the forest, cold hungry and alone.

he doesn't remember anything, and his ignorance nd naivety makes him so much easier for noah to manipulate him. she doesn't mean to at first, she sees a child who could use some help, and she's always wanted a child. but they're at war, and sacrifices need to be made.

ABEL AND CAIN'S PAST ISNT CLEAR TO ME RN IM SORRYYYYY SOMETHING ABT ABEL BEIGN A RULER AND CAIN HIS SHADOW WHO KILLS FOR HIM YAGHHHHHH IDK MAN abel slowly remembering that he was a mercyless king who made his people suffer just like hte people he's trying to fight rn,,,,,,,,,,, honey

i don't have much planed for cain in tame of support rn im sowwy.................... i wanna work on it tho.......... i have a lot of secondary charactres that he could fit with...............

noah used to be a cool fearless pirate stealing rich people to give to the poor in her hometown mostly. finding strays and helping them. i love that for her . she was a good guy, a robin hood, and then her devotion to god fucked her up (aka hermit the frog by marina). she jst fights bc she thinks it will bring peace until she learns god was just Bored lol !!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't think i forgot anyone ? if i did i am sorry (bows down to my kids)

jasper's thing......................... well. there's always been experiments. trying to find a being Higher. jasper was created in a lab. then he and another kid, angel this time, were fused. the scar is most likely due to this . for the longest time jasper just thought he had a strong inner voice but it's this other kid (no name yet sowwy!!!!!!! im coming up with this on the spot actually which is why i like being asked abt them it makes me THINK). he's the only saved experiment from this. abel and cain had been sent to investigate on a demon who's part of the high council, but who some people thought was shady. he indeed was. they destroyed eveything (u don't toy with life) and found jasper. omg . they both kind of raised him . ohhhhhhhhhhhhh OHHHHHHH

anyway later in the story, belly and him are fighting opponent, belly is cool and strong but she almost dies and well . those two are in love and it makes jasper's inner angel wake up along with some new powers. not sure exactly what!!!! im thinking !!!! ok i gotta go grocery show now BE BACK SOON BC I SEE MORE THINGS IN MY INBOX

[inloveforevr]

how do i forgive myself for ignoring my friends' texts and reaching out to check on me, when i was very depressed and dealing with multiple crisis? I stayed away and didnt ask for support and then ghost them. I also didnt connect with other people or post on social media where they could see it and get hurt by me ignoring them.

I just laid low and licked my wounds in private. My issues were not things they could help with (like my marriage having huge fights, unemployment , being sick, my mom being hospitalized)

But i dont know if i deserve to be their friend still?

I feel so overwhelmed with guilt that i dont know how to reconnect with them or how to reply.

Especially when i read posts that say "cut out people who disappear on you" or "its time to drop ppl who dont make an effort to meet u halfway " when i read stuff like this i feel stricken with panic and i afraid that my friends will buy into this narrative or be convinced that i deserve to be cut out.

I feel ashamed and lonely.

More info: the last time we were in touch i used to be there for them and listen to them a lot and host them and take them out when i could. So im not a very useless friend (i think). But im just very bad at keeping in touch when im overwhelmed n hurt by my own life.

Please will you or your followers give me some peace? If you were in my friends' shoes, would you forgive someone like me ? Would you be okay with me reappearing after 2 months?

(Btw me and these friends all reside in different cities so these are all long distance friendships based solely on texting).

I feel so guilty i could die

Hey love, sorry to hear you’re going through all of this. And i’m sorry to hear ab all the difficulties you’re facing.

I know some people like to lay low and deal w their issues first before going to others for support. (i do the same thing!) and as a result, distancing yourself from relationships can make sense.

It’s totally understandable to feel guilty and lonely as a result of all of this.

And regarding the internet’s thinking on relationships & cutting people off - it’s so false. I think it makes sense to end a relationship when it’s abusive/unhealthy - that’s real yknow. But it’s such black and white thinking. Don’t listen to the internet. And i certainly don’t think it applies in this scenario.

You clearly value your friendships and i’m sure they value you and care ab you. Honestly? Shoot them a message, explain what’s been going on. Don’t hold back. Arrange a dedicated time to talk if you can.

We all need friends. And yeah you may feel ashamed and guilty but don’t let it prevent you from reaching out. You need a good support system around you and you don’t want to lose your friends, especially in a time when you’re facing difficulty. Support and community is essential. We all need it. We all need love.

Be honest, and tell them how you feel.

If this was my loved one, i would be concerned more than anything. I love all my friends deeply. I’d want to hear from them and ensure they are okay. I wouldn’t hold it against them if they are already going through a tough time. I’d offer them compassion & empathy.

And you’re not a bad friend. Don’t believe that thought. The fact you asked this shows you care.

Please take care of yourself. Ensure you are leaning on your support system. If therapy is available to you, it may also be worth considering. Sometimes you need a safe space to process what is going on. It sounds like you’re going through a lot of stress.

I hope it all goes well ❤️

And if any if my followers have any further advice pls add thank U!

[percygranate]

my apology will never be enough to ` repent` for what I wrote but I came here to apologize for writing what I did

i was still going through the mental break and got to coping in worst way possible. this will be on my mind for the rest of my life.

i know that i did wrong in writing the things that I did.

yes it is true that i was molested as a child and recently a case was opened on the matter as I had gotten into therapy and was asked ab it

having to relive everything by telling the story to authorities ended up with those memories becoming clear as day and I coped by writing horrible stories. i should never have asked to be contacted by ppl who liked them and i also never should have written in the first place

i promise i am not lying when i say this

but I am sorry and i will continue to seek help to cope with these thoughts.

i chose to delete my account to get myself away from it and it is a step forward in me changing.

u can chose to post this or delete and ignore but I once again will promise to stay away from writing anything until I know I will not write those type of stories ever again, it was out of impulse and resentment to how I was hurt.

I'm sorry to all the ppl I hurt, u will not here from me unless ur interested in me coming back with updates to ensure I am doing better.

Once again, I am sorry.

- bat

⚠️EDIT: DEMOBATZ got in touch with me and I can confirm that this IS REAL AND THEY ARE NOT ICKYBATZ. [Click Here] for more information!

⚠️TW: Gromming, Pedophilia, Demobatz, Ickybatz, CSA⚠️

Dear Demobatz,

Apologies carry immense power, but they have to be sincere.

I hold deep compassion for you since we share similar trauma, and although I feel like you should be held accountable, I do not agree with the horrible harassment and threats people sent your way. I apologize on behalf of those people.

The most important thing you have to understand is that those intrusive thoughts of dark material like that are a reaction to your trauma and do NOT make you a bad person, BUT actively participating in putting this content out and feeding into the pool of predators on ao3 puts you on a silver platter for precisely that type of person that has hurt you before.

You were in contact with BAD individuals and exchanged socials with them. They do not write their things to cope; they do not read those things to cape; they read and write to enjoy. What they do is sexualize the horrors we phased and get off on it.

I do not blame you entirely for how things went and what you did since they made you believe that what and how you wrote/acted was good and normal. Wanted. Expected.

They encouraged and effectively groomed you into playing their game. They exposed you to tons of content you should not be exposed to.

You are a child that needs to be looked after you and get help. Your needs weren't met, the adults in your life seem to have failed you, and it led you in the only direction that made you feel valued and comforted.

Again, please get in touch with me privately. I do not mean harm or want you to be bullied and harassed. I just want this issue (especially the problem AO3 is apparently supporting) to be addressed and know that you are safe and getting help.

[sttoru]

I'm a writer too, and I just have to say: it's just writing, dear. You're just writing some very good silly things and posting it on Tumblr, of all places. It's just some writing, no big deal here. You might feel like it sucks. But honestly? Nobody cares. It's Tumblr. No one has big expectations for anything here, or they shouldn't have, at least.

(By the way, I don’t mean all of this in a bad way. This is just how I, myself, cope when I feel bad about my own writing. I usually minimise it, try to brush it off, and pretend it's nothing. And it actually is.

I usually feel insecure about posting because I feel like nobody is going to read or like my work. And... so what if they don't? I'm already expecting them not to read/like the moment I post something. So, what am I worried about? Worried about them not reading or liking it? When that was precisely what I was expecting to begin with? If you think about it, insecurity makes no sense.

+You are popular. Maybe not as popular as some others. But you have more than 2000 followers, correct? Imagine a room in which you expose your writing. There are people who come and go, leaving notes on your things (that have a lot of notes, from what I have seen). Some of these people decide to stay inside the room. There are two thousand people who chose to stay in the room and support you. That's actually a lot of people, isn't it? And I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be there if your writing was bad.)

anon im gonna have to tell u here … ☝🏽 u seem like a very healthy person bcs ur coping mechanism and thoughts on this are what i strive to have sobsobsob. . . ik its simply silly little ideas of mine that i publish on a random app, its just that i have anxiety / am anxious about the smallest of things and stress very easily ,, even abt things that dont matter at all (ex. tumblr fics) like i tell my brain repeatedly ITS NOT THAT SERIOUS !!!!! (sometimes it works ngl and i just laugh at myself) but sometimes it still wont listen 😞

as for interactions, most of the time i dont mind if my works get little to no interactions (unless i spent like 4+ hours on a reaaally long fic and get 0 feedback like !!! i wanna improve & know whats good and what not bcs writing has been one of my biggest hobbies since i was very young :<) — what bothers me most is that my english doesn’t make sense sometimes. or if i use a word twice in one sentence. or if i misspell a word and it makes me look dumb— but then again like u said !! so what if people read those mistakes? unfortunately, my anxiety always has me in a chokehold . i try to not take my insecurities seriously and downplay it most of the time but it just comes back again and again,, basically a never ending loop ARUGHH

lastly.. yeah, im gonna try & do what you said and just hope my anxiety reduces with time !

this felt like a v refreshing therapy session, thank u anon ilysm u r an angel :3 hope u have the best day of ur life forever & pls stay hydrated !

[unwittinglythinking]

adhd & mdd

in 2018 my doctor diagnosed me for having minor depression. i took it lightly and i know i couldn’t sleep because i keep on seeing things in my nightmare. i took  sleeping tablets but did not take any ssri’s bc the doctor doesn’t allow me. only sleeping tablets so that i can sleep. i remember back in 2018 i took sleeping tablets almost everyday and yet i still was getting really bad sleeping quality. idk how to cure from that.

in 2019, it got worse. doctor diagnosed that i have mdd. jpa did not believe in me and keep questioning why would i be getting such mental health issue and that i should keep my heads up, read quran and go pray to God bc they said it helps. i’ve been seeking help and praying to god since day 1 my parents taught me to. i dont know, what went wrong. am i that bad, that jpa thought of me that way?

2020 2021 covid, it still the same mdd, not getting enough sleep everyday, trying to make myself happy but felt so empty. ppl questioning why am i not happy when they’re there by my side. i wish i have an answer for that, why am i not happy when everyone else is around? why am i feeling empty when i shouldn’t be feeling empty? why is my body and mind telling me to talk to my own inner mdd? i don’t know. what’s going on, i dont even know.

2022, warded over a month, diagnosed mdd + adhd, taking 15mg ssri’s (max amount of ssri a woman with my age are allowed to take). swallowed that big ass amount of escitalopram, going on therapy, consulting with the doctors and therapist, hoping that my life will be better. i remember asking my doctor,

“doctor, can i be free from mdd one day? can i cure from mdd, doctor?”

i still rmber vividly my doctor’s face changed and he said, “i hope one day it will go away. i believe that you can, but it definitely depends on the person. sometimes it takes 2-3  years, for some other it might take 10-15 years. some might take even more time.”

i remember, i cried. bc it felt like i had no hopes. 

and i just wanna run away from life, from the people that talk shit and abused me, from the people who didn’t give love and attention to me, i just wanna sit somewhere all alone in silent.

but now 2023, im feeling slowly healing. found my soulmate who is the most understanding of all. although sometimes im scared when he asks me “why are you feeling empty, do i not fill your void?”, im scared to answer that. i dont know babe, of course you do fill my void, but with my adhd and mdd right here, what made my void heart today is just bc i am still sick. your support, darling, has been carrying me around, happy and learn to willingly live longer because i just wanna be with you my whole life. you excites me, sweetheart. i love u so much. you ask me that only one time, and i remember whenever i told u im feeling empty, all u said now is “im here” and babe, that calms the shit out of me i love you so much for that.

for being my backbone, my biggest support and cheerleader, my husband you deserves only the best. for treating me like a human, like a woman i am. i love you and im so grateful for u. thank you. 

you are a medicine to me and you bring wellness to my life, sweetheart<3

[oscar-piastri]

Hi! I just saw the Daniel edit: it’s very good. I dare to say, it’s TOO GOOD lmao I got a little disturbed. But I don’t think that is a bad thing! Because it is a Halloween thing!

I think you shouldn’t let people with mean comments bother you, you know? You are being creative and you are being SO clear that things are edits for a specific purpose. You are using tags correctly too. If anyone is bothered by your edits they can unfollow, they can block, they can filter tags. They can stop interacting with your content.

I want to make it very clear: I DONT THINK THE PROBLEM IS YOU OR YOUR EDITS OR THE PLATFORM ITSELF. THE PROBLEM IS PEOPLE NOT BEING ABLE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CONTENT THEY CONSUME.

And it’s okay if you decide you don’t want to reply to this ask, I just wanted to tell you what I think and let you know that although I don’t want you to stop posting your edits, which I find better every time and also more creative as you develop your talents and learn new skills, I respect whatever you decide to do. But please know you do not owe anyone anything and it’s not on you if people are mean or rude. I have many many thoughts on this so please take away: I support you and please you do you no matter what anyone says.

Literally, thank u so much for this ❤️ i am so thankful for your endless support

But for now I’m just done. Tbf it’s not that ask particularly, it was just like the last straw tbf.

It has been happening for a year, where no matter what i do or post; people come in my ask to shit about me. I can’t even reblog some drivers without people being like ‘wait ew u support him?’. I can’t joke about stuff without people giving me their opinion without me asking, where they just write about how wrong my edit is and how cringe it is and asking me basically to take it down. Or asks I receive when I’m sharing personal topics where people call me literally crazy and that I should be in therapy or making friends instead of being here because I’m out of reality. Or even people pointing out what is wrong with my edits (tips: if i dont ask for an opinion pls dont give it).

I love editing but if what i get is shitty anons instead of them unfollowing me then it’s not the case. Because for me, these comments are not helping my creativity. I’m not saying i don’t accept criticism, I just don’t accept the way people here give it to me. I’m having enough of that irl i dont need it here. Like, I know i should ignore comments like that, sometimes i just simply delete them but at one point it hurts me and yes it hurts my feelings

I’m just going to keep posting random and simple and easy gifsets because this doesn’t bring negativity, will keep the f1 edits for myself or share it privately with friends because i dont feel like sharing stuff

I’ve been in many fandoms (i was literally in the 5sos fandom… when all the drama happened) and god the f1 one is the one where I’ve received rude messages

So yeah i have a few more halloween edits to posts, a few more f1 ones and then i’ll stop and just go back to simple gifs

[scarletanpan]

.

Trying to be normal abt the fact that I am most likely moving in w my parents soon.. staying w them bc of the hurricane and my oldest sis told me yea mom wants u to. And admittedly its a nice area theres prob decent opportunities and tbh ive been in a vicious cycle of struggling to pull myself together so not having to pay for groceries and not feeling like im a constant inconvenience for existing in my sisters house when ik shes not rlly a ppl person and has her own life would be nice. I'll prob end up doing all the grocery shopping and cooking for them like before but I Do like cooking and tbh the need to follow a regular schedule might make me more sane and functional.

Only gripe is my stepfather.. who told me at least 3 times since I've been here that talking to my therapist i just got is necessary bc he thinks that my symptoms are due to my trauma, not autism. Lowkey 4/5 family members have come to similar conclusions abt other aspects of my identity yall are... weird but im tryna ignore it. With Him tho hes a therapist, or rlly hes training to be one rn. But his son is higher support and also has autism and adhd, we talked abt this together. And he thinks both of us.. dont have it. And that autism is overdiagnosed?? First off therapists cant fucking do that, they can only suggest screenings they're not medical doctors. And second off that is so fucking untrue I'm baffled. If I had a penny for every time a nd person detailed their active struggle w getting diagnosed student loans wouldn't exist anymore.

They told me it was j anxiety and depression the first time, took 3 yrs to figure out the rest. Ik he has adhd and gets into these hyperfixations abt different aspects of his class, like asexuality apparently and some thing abt studying intersex ppl and thought like u had to be intersex to be trans?? Idk he talked to everyone else but me abt it but never calls me outside of visits. And that does concern me how does basic research not tell u intersex ppl are just. Intersex they can be trans too but how would that apply to perisex ppl??? Theres a list of things ik im gonna need to talk to him abt bc I will explode if hes going around w these insane misconceptions. Also told a client w autism the same thing, they mightve been self-diagnosed idk but either way incredibly fucked up to reject someones feelings abt that? Like ur a therapist keep ur trap shut and help them with the issues they need, u don't know that anymore than they do

If u interacted w the nd community even a little u would know the struggles of getting diagnosed at all, esp if ur a poc or a woman like. I didn't say anything bc I knew I'd sound mean asl but ive calmed down ill do it later.. and tbh hes the one immediate fam member who doesnt know im transmasc yet. Which im nervous abt bc the one time i ever fought w him was over him being rlly transphobic to a woman on the tv back in 2019. it was Bad too I tried to correct him and when I realized he meant it i lost it and was like vision white yelling shaking crying till my mom broke it up apparently. All I remember is I refused to back down until he understood, still to this day idk why I snapped so hard but idk, maybe its the autism??? And being a gross transphobe right in front of me?? I think his view changed now But.. prob why he doesnt talk abt any of it to me. Also I was planning on starting to transition soon so ig i have to.. also hope this doesnt mean i have to make a new appt that gets pushed back even further the one i made was 5 months out at the time.. i have to move in w them prob its not gonna get better where i am but. Idk hopefully the therapy will keep me from wanting to choke him out every 3 seconds