#and idk what danny’s up to these days but i’d actually cry if he made an appearance too especially since he’s from miami

[t-nd-rfoot]

MONICA’S AT THE GRAND PRIX!!!!!!!!!!!

[isolated-loser]

Log 0026, 7:05pm, 9-22-2019

Wednesday the 18th, I did school shit, then went to the state college to see my boy toy, i.e., witch boi, it was fun for the most part. Minus the fact I felt like I wasted a day I could have been studying at the nerd shop. I really do care for him on several levels, he's a good person. I feel as if I'm just a rebound to him, or that I'm just being used for emotional labor, with he's conscious of it or not. Not that I don't feel like I’m using him, like I would drugs, alcohol, or masturbation. I wasn't really aware of it in until, Wednesday night when I started having an episode, that was trigger by his, when we got to my house he asked again I'd I was ok, no I was not in the slightest, I try to say I fine not words were not going to come out if my maw without tears, cuss brain chemicals are a goddamn dick, so I say borderline crying I'm being held together by ban aids I can't do this right now you need to get home, then ensure I'm that no I'm not ok but I will be till him that I love him,  half the time when I say that I feel like, I'm lying, give him a shifting car hug, then get out, he fallows, and I kind of ignore it for a minute, as I walk around the car to get my bag. When I get to the other side of the car, I ask already knowing what he’s up to, what he’s doing. He replies, I needed to get out for a minute. I get my shit out of the car, set it on the ground. And he pulls me into a hug, then, kissed over my face and shoulders, and he said something sweet. I get turned on, his neck is right there, then he move removing the temptation, and I make a joke about said temptation, he doesn’t get it so I make him get it, by licking his neck, then he’s got to one up me by biting my neck, so I go for the ear his fucking weak spot, the he goes for my neck again, if some cars didn’t drive by several times I could have done that for hours. He said something like, how it’s probably good the cars did go because he was a minute away from telling me to get back in the car. And I was like yeah we don’t really have time for that. Something, something. We part ways. And I do my shit.

So, Thursday, the 19th, Did my school shit. Went to the Nerd Shop, changed tops, and just kinda sat around really fucking depressed, the point most people were noticing, and kept asking if I was ok, like wow, people give a shit about me, not something I really expected. Eventually everyone showed up hung out side and chatted, with nymph about my Witch Boi. She thinks I should break up with him. I mean she probably not wrong. But I don’t want to think about that right now. Played in Lash’s campaign, it was fab, felt good, Danny got to do a bunch of stupid shit, but what do you expect, Danny’s a weirdo. And Lash said, that I can take a few levels in artificer, which it wicked, I’m very excited for it. Later in the night after the session, after everyone from DND left, I hugged eye brows goodbye, like I do. And he looked sad so I hugged him again, then this motherfucker picks me up bridle style. Like the fuck. I, like, what... It was like fun. But brah. I'm lost at this dude. I've gotten to know eyebrows better over the last month or so. But I still don't have his number. (In the metaphorical scents, also I literally don't have his number, but I mean in like, what the fuck is up with this dude way.) He's just an enigma. Like I'm not infatuated with him anymore, which is a good thing. Not that I don't still care for him greatly, but it's not bad like it used to be. I mean I can think of other subjects now. Like all the over whelming stress I'm first to endorse them brain chemicals, might I say. 

Friday, the 20th, when to school, did what I was supped to, then I got home backed some bread for eyebrows, I tried somewhat to mix up some cookies for Witch Boi. The bread turned out fine, the cookies were shit. Then went to The Nerd Shop with the bread, hung out and played some magic. I won a game using my friend, Rat’s, rat deck. 60, 2/2 rat tokens. It was awesome. Got a call from Witch Boi, where he was bitching about getting a ticket. I tried to comfort him to the best of my shit ability, to do so. After I got off the phone, I continued to lose the next game, lol though. Hung around for a bit, then Witch Boi showed up, then we chilled outside. Where chatted for a bit before Witch boi got me up against a wall, where we made out a bit. Then eyebrows showed up I ran inside and back out gave that bitch that bread. Come to find out he had an edible and was high out of him mind. Eyebrows make a joke about the bead and eating me out. It funny, I wasn’t sure how Witch boi was going to react, but he was chill, which is good. Me and witch be chill outside for abit, chatting with a friend of eyebrows, I get a few hits off of her week vape. Eyebrows, comes outside, sits with me and witch boi, Eyebrows freaking out a bit. As I’ve gotten a few hits, I’m high. Witch boi suggests food, eyebrows is embarrassed, still freaking out, he was scared he would be banned from the shop. I get his shit from inside we all go to the fast food place, I feel awkward as hell having the dude I was borderline in love with for a year, and still am somewhat, anywhere near the dude I’m with. I felt like nearly the entire time Eyebrows was throwing shade at me for being with Witch Boi. I me like, I would too. This guy, Witch boi, is just a piece of work. I leave them both at the fast food joint again, cuss I need to go find me phone. I walk back over to the shop and chat with some friends on the way.  I’m kinda freaking out cuss I don’t want to think about what Eyebrows could say to witch boi. Or if I still want to be with Witch boi, at all. So I find my shit the start heading back over to where I left them they were on their way back. Bla bla bla. Witch boi and I were going to leave, before all that stuff with eyebrows. So I go inside hug every one goodbye then, we head out. 

When we get to the parking lot we put our shit in the car, then I drag Witch boi, in a hug. And we like make out, stand snuggle, like shit, cuss drugs got me desperate for touch. Then he all like do we need to make a stop be for we go to a different card shop, assuming me overly touchiness was cuss I wanted to get busy, not entirely the case, but I was more than willing to tack it. So we get in the car, go to a park we’ve frequented for this, type of shit. Bla bla bla, something, something, we had to stop for gas. We go back to the park, and we had be getting hot in heavy in his car, he had said he wanted to ask me for something, that I had in the past said, I would not be ok with, I assumed he meant he wanted me to suck his dick, so I move down like I mean I haven’t actually tried it I might like it, I was wrong on both counts. I move back up. He told me that’s not what he meant, he wanted me to choke him; I already knew that was something he was into, so it wasn’t out of the blue. I agreed to try it. So I move my free hand up to his neck, and start applying presser, and I start having a borderline panic attack. I start crying, with a no, no, no, I can’t, then apologizing, telling him I wish I could give him what he wants, still sobbing. Witch boi comforts me saying t ok, and the he loves me, and bla bla bla. He asks if I need to stop, I say I want to if he does. So, I continue jacking him off. I say something about wanting his finger inside me, he tells me to get on my back, he starts fingering me, stuff in thing I cum. He presses his cock against my woman hood; this motherfucker has no idea what that dose to me honestly. Blablabla, we get back to where were and I get him to the finish line, then we clean up some , and head to the other card shop. and we get there play some commander, bal bal bal. idk. Stuff then we leaves and he drops me back at home. And continue the night as usual.

None of this helps with my brain that keeps going form, “Fuck! I love with him. I’m fucking screwed! Fuck! FUCK! FUCK!!! I need get out while I can.” to “I’m just lonely, and he’s giving me affection, and I can touch him.” to “Did this motherfucker put a love spell on me?!!?!” to “Fuck. He so amazing!” to “He’s not really attractive. Honestly, he’s kinda hard to look at.” To “He so fucking gorgeous. He’s so much more attractive than me. How the fuck did I catch this?” Insert 20hundered times this of bullshit, constantly. I’m so confused. I’m confused, if I want this, or if I don’t. I need to evaluate if it’s him, or how he makes me feel. I need to think about it. Instead of pretend this isn’t a problem. I really don’t know if any of my feeling toward him are really, and if they’re worth the trouble.

Tomorrow, I have, a nether math test, and a 1500 word paper due, but I haven’t done/am ready for ither, but I made that choice today. I woke up remembered that I have that paper due and decided I was not going to scramble to write it, I will take the zero, it that a bad idea probably. But I needed to breath for a second. The math test I’m not going to do great, I know that, I know I’m going to do worse on turning in the home work, cuss it’s not done how she wanted it. but I fucked up. I can’t really change that. So I’ll just have to take the hit to my all really shot grades. I’m not happy about it, but there only so much I can do at this point, I can just start doing better after this.  Have a history test Tuesday as well I’m not ready for but, my 14/100 in the class tell me, I’m already fucked. I’m just screwed in most of my classes, honestly. I should have been trying harder, I say. I’m not sure, if I’ll be loud, to go next semester if I keep fucking up this bad. Probably not, I which kinda sucks.

I’ve made no progress on finding a job. Something I need desperately. But what do you expect from a worthless peace of shit.

My birthday is in a little over a week. So much wasted time. I can’t stand it, but it’s not like I have a choice. Every day I lose more time. I’m going to die, having done nothing with this life. A hollow soul, costing in the bleak. Not that, I’ve not tried to motion. Though no matter how, I’ve tried in movement, my course doesn’t change. I’m falling throw, thick gray smoke. Coughing up ash. A husk of humanity. Speaking false comforts to those, I don’t care for. I.E. I’ve vary not happy about my birthday coming up.

 Signing Off…                                                                                                      

 Favorite song today: OTHER WORLDS THAN THESE by STARSET

Mood: lower ups & middle downs

[ofphcenixes]

BLUE & LIBBY - text thread 001

texts from 3:55pm to 7:01pm

blue

hey lib. (: havent talked today. just wanted to drop in and see if u were doin alright i have memes if u need them

libby

i mean, technically we did talk. i reminded you of the moment the world stood still: when valentine and you made contact (1) time. are you okay though? you seem a little, weird

blue

i maintain that valentine was an alien in a spider suit that wanted to destroy me but u know what I mean djdjdjd just chats between us. the gc has been a june holden fest lately lmao hope it works out for them tho anyways i am always weird in ur eyes djdjhd. but im fine. shit was crazy that night and we never really got to talk about what happenedand if u wanted to talk i just want u to kno im here ABOUT NADIA bc yeah kdjdjjd

libby

don't talk to me or my son ever again yeah, wow, okay so holden stayed over the night. i only know that because i saw his stuff in her room? i think she mentioned that like, it was a one time thing but i feel like... he might be coming over again which.. is Interesting oh. yeah, no i think i'm okay. i guess just in shock. june is very broken up over it, so i'm doing my best to be a good pal, and bring loads of ice cream and kisses. /: do you wanna talk? about nadia? i know that she like, meant something to you

blue

ok good luck getting me to stop talkin to u but as for valentine? bye Felecia! is that right. hmm well he doesn’t seem like much is goin on so maybe they were just,, hanging out. bringing a bag over is pretty damning tho. and if he does come over and u see him tell that bih he owes me $ bc he ate my fucking chorizo salad ): r u proud lib?? I ate a salad by choice well I would have if Holden wasn’t a lil birch bitch DONT CENSOR ME fuck. im sorry. ): i actually wanted to see june today tbh. but if u need anyone pls let me know alright? id skip practice if u needed me, lib WELL. i mean ok i was sorta close with her in middle school and she’s always been a friend and I just. I’m just fucking numb tbh. I really can’t believe it

libby

i'll have you know that valentine died shortly after my 18th birthday so ): idk idk, why would they hang out in her room if they were "hanging out"? like they have history. i feel like thats, a little too ... suspicious given the context. in a good way though. like i hope it works out theyre both so miserable without each other. oh my god!! look at you go! so proud of you, dude! ( even if you never got to it lmao ) no, no, it's okay. june needs all the support she can get, and i don't wanna impede. i'm really fine, i just sort of need to accept it and i guess reflect on how terrible it is. she was a really sweet person and fuck i really cant believe any of it i guess

blue

fuck what kdjdjdnd I thought valentine just yeeted shit that’s not a good way to put it fuck but. im sorry lib ): ok I take it back Valentine was alright. still scared the fuck out of me tho all i know is that if i loved someone as much as holden loves june, i wouldn’t let you go **THEM fuck Damn phone Typos Djdjhdi can’t believe u make me eat green stuff its truly CRUEL whomst? I only know nadia just didn’t fucking deserve any of this. shit even daisey didn’t. i just want to protect everyone and i don’t know HOW it goes without saying that im happy to be ur uber driver for the indefinite future

libby

no omg, i took good care of my boy. idk what happened, they can live up to like 15 years so i was pretty bummed tbh. i was a bad mom he appreciates your support from the grave though i mean, i guess. but not everyone you love is going to love you back, i think that's where holden's at. not everyone wants to be clung to, and june seems reluctant besides, you know all about that. holden, the love of your life, loves june. how sad it's good for you!!! i'm helping i ... feel so badly for both of them. i can't imagine how their families must be feeling, fuck. i hate this. i'm moving to spain ah, dude you don't have to do all that. you probably are busy with practice, and holden, and work. thank you tho

blue

im sure ur a great mother. ): but still valentine was lucky to have u. and im sure he misses u in his weird spider heaven web of flies and whatever it is spiders like idk ill dm peter parker and find out i mean... guess that’s true. I suppose I dont get to see how june feels most of the time. i just wish they’d talk about it and sort it out at least. they both deserve to be happy holden is the loml that is true aksjjsjd. holden has enough room for both me and june in his heart. so i mean technically i can love someone else too?? but enough about that lmfao you definitely are helping. even coach has noticed dkdjd. making me better without even trying u can’t move without me who’s gonna get me free popcorn ): you’re just as important as practise and holden to me, lib.

libby

god, i miss him. you think the girls would be mad if i bought another one? like, to keep in my room.  i know! they're both obviously still in love, you can tell. i can't wait for them to overcome this and get to be together. also, im grateful for the amount of sleep i'm able to get now that... the room next to mine is less loud welp, i hope you find someone who is willing to share you with holden lol oMG, REALLY? IDK WHY THAT MADE ME IRRATIONALLY HAPPY LOL. WE CAN GET SALAD LATER let's go, we'll go to spain and take on a new identity. we can live along the coast and work in a bakery or something. get a puppy don't show holden that text he might cry. but dsjflk thank you, you're very important to me too. kinda my best pal

blue

u would have to ask. but if you did get another what would u call it? thanksgiving? funnily enough valentine is only a few weeks away. a sign?? i mean fuck ive known holden for years and can confirm he is happiest when he’s with june. when she’s not roasting him at least lmfao. and if my MasterPlan works im afraid things will get bad again djdjdj. I can take one for the team and try to get them to come over here tho - u don’t need to deal with that shit i hope i do too tbh. and who would I want it to be u ask? that’s right. danny devito. LETS NOT GET TOO CRAZY IVE ALREADY HAD THREE VEGETABLES THIS WERK AND ITS ONLY TUESDAY. I think it’s popcorn time 8) bold of u to assume i know where Spain is dkdjdjdjdj well he’s gonna catch on soon enough we spend every day together at this point lol

libby

i was gonna name this one patrick, after st patricks day actually lol. yes you know what's also approaching that is more important? your birthday! i know, it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure that out. he's v much a relationship kinda dude, actually bc he's also kinda slutty lol. but even june is sad and its just, SO HARD. i hate when people are clearly, happiest together are like, nO IM GOING TO PROLONG THE MISERY. i feel like we're in a rom-com. how do we get them back together? i'll let him know. my v-day gift from me to you oooo, should i get the skittles ready too then? popcorn is kinda of a veggie if you think abt it omg, okay well now you can't come with me. offer rescinded. im going with the hot cop lslsfkjdjkldfs i mean its not like we're doing anything weird, so its okay, right?

blue

ur so cute wtf. although if u did do this i hope u know im calling him patrick star. also how the fuck do u tell if its a female or a male spider theyre so small and gross. fuck it is too lol. i dont have any money so im gonna let ppl down on the party front lmao. ud still come tho, right? how can he be both slutty and relationshippy. like not to be weird bc i know hes ur cousin and all dkfjgg but he doesnt.. have people over anymore. unless hes someone learned not to stomp around the house WHICH I DONT BELIEVE. and ha hA im already on plan 384 to get them back together get on my level lmao.  we just gotta force them to spend time together tbh. does that mean i have to give u the hot cop for valentines bc i mean. i would if that's what u wanted but im sure u can do much better than him OH FUCK UR RIGHT OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN A LIE TO CONVERT ME TO VEGGIES HASNT IT r u breaking up with me? well fine, ill take the dog ): it's... it's not weird unless we make it weird. and we haven't. have we?

libby

fdsjfjdsl shhhhh, back at you. Patrick Star will be his full name, i promise you this much. as for gender idfk, i am honestly assuming its pronouns lol. i'd be sued by the LGBT community if they knew. also dude, of course. i'll make you cupcakes. plus i know what i wanna buy you! i  can't wait dude what? really?? i thought he was seeing people this whole time, holy shit. dude he's really messed up over this huh? wow, okay, we need to kick this into high gear and have them get back together. tell me your plans. omg, no you clown. i don't even like him that much, he's just pretty. i do like... some personality and he has 0 GOD MY PLAN HAS BEEN FOILED. I CANT BELIEVE IT like i'd ever let you take the dog. she's mine sdfjlkdsfjlk iDK DUDE. I MAY HAVE MADE IT WEIRD BUT WE'RE BAD AT TALKING ABT STUFF, SO WE DONT HAVE TO LOL.

blue

do spiders even have gender i thought they were just the minions of evil lmfao lib u rly dont have to get me anything, really. altho now im curious tbh. but get ready for me to get a lit gift in june >:) ill even wrap it myself which says a lot bc i cant wrap for shit but i want it to be personal lmao not many that im aware of atm. will give u info is this changes. huh we r spies lib. >:) but i dont have any current plans except trying to force them to go in a photo booth together or something when we eventually go to the arcade djsjdh omg how did u know. but idk everyone speaks about him like hes gOD he’s just a dude. eyebrows on fleek tho I will say that IM SO HURT UD USE ME LIKE THIS LIB. ALL THIS TIME WE WERE GETTING CLOSE AND U WERE ONLY HERE FOR THE VEGGIES so u get Spain AND the dog. what do I get, sadness ???? you haven’t made it weird lib, i promise. not to me, anyway. maybe we both wanted the same thing. maybe. oR MAYBE NOT LMFAO but yeah we can talk about whatever lol

libby

don't talk about nate like that omg! i want to, plus its a surprise so no asking what it is. also wow i cant believe you remember my birthday, lol. you dont have to get me anything. you can buy me an ice cream though oh my gOD THAT'S BRILLIANT! aw, what if they take one of those cute kiss pictures in the photobooth like in the movies? i can't wait for them to love each other again, they're so cute. are you jealous that no one is talking about your eyebrows? you have nice eyebrows and nothing to be jealous abt GOD, IM SO SORRY. ROY HIRED ME. HE WAS WORRIED ABT YOUR HEALTH. IM SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT THIS WAY. I THOUGHT YOU NEVER WOULD /: you get the memory of what we were to keep you warm right, cool. noted

blue

why do u talk about the string bean all the time i know u grew up with him but seriously he's like a pale pipe cleaner that i dont need in my life ofc i remeber ur birthday lib. dont u remember ur 10th?? probably the best day of my life lmao. and if u get me something i get u something thats how this works as long as june doesnt say anything mean and holden say anything stupid, its a pretty solid plan tbh. im not jealous HOW DARE ROY PLAY ME LIKE THIS. cant believe u betrayed me lib, after all we've been through ;-; but what if i want something to sell off now that u took the house oh fuck lib i didn't mean it like that. just... pretend i said nothing ok and. yeah talk about something else

libby

hey sorry, i gotta go. talk tomorrow.

blue

oh is everything ok? but alright talk tomorrow then i guess bye lib

libby

night

blue

its 6pm lib but okay night

blue

lib if i did something u dont have to tell me but pls know i didnt mean it, whatever it was. i hope youre okay. but i wont bother u again i promise. just. yeah

libby

it's okay, dude. i'm fine. it's honestly my own fault, it's not you. you're always great. i'm sorry. it's fine

blue

i dont understand what ur talking about but i can tell u dont want to so ill just... leave this. but you're always great too lib. the greatest, in fact. just let me know if ur still coming to the arcade later or not yeah

libby

i guess i'll go. i like pacman.

blue

if u... if u change ur mind i understand. but i really hope u can make it.

[emmvee93]

I don’t even know where to begin. Saul claims he always wants to hang with me. But why is it so hard for him to invite me? I invite him to the game or literally anything I’m doing. I did end up going to hang yesterday. And I was upset prior. I walked into his house angry. Actually don’t even think that was yesterday could have been Thursday lol. Idk I’m just angry now when I go there. So whatever we hang. I wasn’t planning on staying. But I did. And he gives me a hard time about my clothes and showering and being hot and whatever. So he did that in the morning and started asking me why I don’t stay and saying I’ve been acting weird these last few weeks because I’m not staying. And I straight up told him it’s because I want to feel wanted. I want to hear that he wants me to stay. I legit don’t know where he’s at and what he is feeling. And he just kept saying he doesn’t believe me that I don’t know how he feels. Actions speak louder than words. Like what? What actions dude? You push me off of you, you don’t hold my hand or cuddle or anything. You give me shit about opening my car door. Like to me, there are no actions and the words that you say speak louder. He just reiterated he likes me. Like okay. But what does that mean? Not enough to be in a relationship though. Oh and did I mention when he started questioning me I cried? Lol I fucking cried in front of him. He was like why are you smiling and doing a weird dance. I’m like bro I’m so uncomfortable I didn’t expect to have this conversation and I didn’t want to cry. But like this is so hard for me. I told him this has been 6 months and I just don’t even know what’s going on. He told me don’t over think this. Over think what? What is this? Like then he tells me again he likes me and likes spending time with me. He texted me saying what happens if he misses me. And said that all he knows is he wants to be around me. Like awesome dude. But what about being in a relationship? He fucking said to me last night that he thinks this could work but then remembers I go to cowboys. Bruh really? These are my real ass emotions you’re playing with. All I wanted was to be in this stupid relationship with you because you are the one who fucked me the first night. You are the one who kept hitting me up. You are the one who pursued this initially and somehow made me fall for you. If you had just been honest with me from the start I would have never dated Danny or even DK. Who I really love right now. And I’m so scared of what is going to happen. Am I just going to lose both of them? Sure feels like it. But I mean I guess if that does happen then it was never meant to be anyway. But something feels so right with DK. The way he talks to me and makes me feel. Like even about my body. And I swear he could get anyone. He is so damn attractive and his body is wow. We have amazing sex. He at least shows something towards me infront of my friends and bob and Shana. He slow dances with me. He talks to me every day. He cuddles. He asks for kisses. He bought tequila and left it at my house. He wore teal underwear because it’s my favorite color. Like are these all not signs that he likes me??? Or is this just one giant fuck boy game? I’m terrified. But yeah I’d sail just fucking said let’s do this I would have never been in this situation. And even after this whole ass conversation today with Saúl he still can’t fucking be better. I tried to go to hang with him after I left DK’s. Why? I DONT KNOW. Did it happen? Of course not. He just made me feel like shit saying he missed me the rest of the day. Whatever bro fuck you. So here I am crying again. Fuck this.

[radne-le-roman-blog]

Is there such thing as a May onward resolution?

No clue. Not in the slightest. It now exists, because this probably should’ve been a New Year’s one, over on Randythewriter. But, I created this one because it’s a joke that @poppyredrose560 made (my name - Radne), so I could let some shit out without dude getting in the way, until I fucked up and reblogged something using this account. So now I need to think of a new username. (Cough, cough) Poppy, you come up with genius names and even Death ROW that I would’ve never gotten, make me a new nickname please. (cough cough).

Only joking, Pop. I’ma sorry I pissed you off last night, I won’t pretend I was in the right, I only thought you meant it be me included with ‘men, positions’, so I left because I identify as a male cyborg. I’m sorry. I just wanted to be a guard. And fight Ironforge.

Is there such thing as a male cyborg, or is it just a cyborg? I���m off topic.

Like I said seventy tribillion years ago or something, I don’t delete things like this and just type without editing, minus spelling mistakes.

So, hi.

Hi, if you don’t know me, you’re about to either click off, or scroll down to some depressing shit about Death Row, and myself, with the lil eld Riley O. Warren, n Oscar, n Belina, n Andrew all having some dark few moments. Riley and I especially.

And if you do know me, whether that be from years ago, or you don’t like me anymore, or anything, unless you’re Pop or another unnamed person, don’t knot your knickers - I do actually have friends, and don’t wear knickers, or really care anymore, you won’t know me. Probably.

I don’t know how long the onward part of this will be, maybe three weeks until I come back on Radne, maybe a few months, maybe six odd years, or never. But, Randythewriter is dead, and he ain’t coming back. I feel like, deactivating the account is disrespectful, so I just cut all things unrelated on Randy, and then left it. I’m not cutting things here.

So, Radne will join him, and Idk, Ra the Kettle Roman will join the world fresh and new. (shrug) Not happening.

I know it’d be easy to find me. But this isn’t for you, whoever reads this. It’s for me.

-The-random-writer- died months ago, and now my current tumblrs are too, and while I’m not giving up the site, or the internet, which to be honest, I probably should have considering everything - guess the word strong somewhat applies to me, I’m giving up the things known.

Writing, eh, maybe in June, Pop.

SV was nice while it lasted in my mind, and yeah, I guess I’m beginning to structure it for myself, I guess it all changes when there’s no mate for Kettle-Kurt to lean on. But no, Aaron won’t go. But a lot will.

PG, Toby, dude, you’re dead as fuck, go back to your grave and do not try this hologram shit. And do not kill me, when I have a piece of paper in my hand saying ‘traitor’, I’ll get that on my wrist at some point, give me a break, I’ll get tattoos for your and Aarurt later on.. at some point. (Gravestone: Randy Roman, ‘97-2047, never kept his promises on tattoos. Because. Asshole.).

But, I’m dropping this account, if it wasn’t obvious. Oh, wait. I want another.

Death Row, or DR if we go with the trends of others, you mark my new, Riley, my man, you stick in there, and Andrew (apparently my actual name could be Randy, Randy is short for Andrew, weird fact from Randy), you keep investigating, you utter nutter. And Belina, have a heart, here, take mine, it was kinda stabbed in the front though.

What am I doing? Jake, you corrupted my fucking soul.

I’ve only said fuck twice - three times now, I’m doing good.

This is what three day weekends do to me, thank you bank holidays.

Oscar, be there for Riley, he’s a mess, just like yerself, quit parrot teaching, quit the repartes that break both yer hearts, and cuddle, ffs.

I’m the creator and telling them what to do instead of fixing them... Right...

JD, die. You little shit, die.

That’s over now.

So, I thought I’d do that, because I haven’t used wattpad in over a month, and even then, all I did was chat with an old friend, with no notifications for months.

I’ll probably still occasionally drop in on it.

WoW, bitch, you’ve been with me for two years, I think, I cannot quit you, my level 64  bastard who gets stupid tasks~. Randyroman, you have such a creative name and I love you. You’re just on a dead server. And Louis hates me for that one.

To the point. I’m done with this account, and being battered from both sides, mine and yours for feelings. *cough* yes, fucking hypocritical, yes, no caring in the world right now. Your biggest fighting method is something that happened once or twice, that I actually do not really remember, nor care, because in my eyes, I’m fairly glad it was sent to you, even if I hate myself so much for everything I’ve done, at least I finally came out of the ‘toxic’ arms that everyone told me you have. And that may be so, but I’m uncaring for opinions.

I smiled. Today, I’ve smiled and laughed and had a lot of fun. I haven’t felt it that much, to be honest. Poppy is a great laugh, but I’ve not really done too much of it until today. And that’s what’s opened my eyes a lot. From scribbling lyrics with Jake, or swinging on swings with Ellisha sitting on me, Adam and Jake either side of me, and an empty seat she could easily fucking sit on, to just eating breakfast and cheering when we found out Jake has his entire GCSEs correct and will begin them in a month or so, I’ve laughed and smiled.

I was happy. Actually happy. Even with HU in the background, the occasional stab in the front, and then MatPat raging, Caitlin crying in delight (we got cat today, lil kitten kute, or as Poppy will get - yes we actually did this, because, for some reason, I was allowed to choose the name - Kore le Kute, I’m spending so much more time here just for lil Kore, every weekend I want to be here), to just taking a nap, and not dreaming about terror, death, or you. I was happy.

Recently, I’ve had some lyrics coming left right and centre, so, I thought, I’d add some in the end.

But, this is probably goodbye from me today. And maybe awhile. Maybe, I’ll come back in June. I don’t know. There will probably be a tag with ‘q’ if I find anything I want to post for after this. And when there’s not, I’m probably back, from Ra the kettle Roman.

So, I want to be dehumanized, yes, and I’m not consuming enough food, seeking the help I need, or doing things I should be, but I’m doing this. Because maybe I want this pain, but maybe I want independence.

So, take your Randy shit, and seize this opportunity to post anything. I’m not crying tonight. I haven’t been crying for awhile. But my May onward resolution, is to not cry from you. For as long as possible.

I have about twenty thousand songs, but let’s try this.

“ I don't believe in all your demons anymore

It's hard to see with any reason from before

I lie awake and face these shadows in the night

I see the truth through crimson eyes”

“ Got my cards lined up in a row

Up in flames and away we go

Lost my name but it's etched in stone

Take me home when the cold wind blows.

Ain't no grave gonna hold me down

Wide awake so don't make a sound

Ain't no way you can break me down

No one sings, no escaping now”

“ Let go, oh

Love isn't good enough

Let go, oh

Love isn't good enough

And the waves in the sea

They slip away just like me

So let go, oh

You weren't good enough”

“Dark hearts don’t break, they bruise.”

“Cause I, I think of you now and then, the memories never end, when gravity pulls you in”

“ I am a lion and I want to be free

Do you see the lion when you look inside of me

Outside the window just to watch you as you sleep

'Cause I am a lion born from things you can not be”

“ Beneath the covers while I hide behind the pain

After all only so much we can say

Words can lose their meaning once you walk away

Promise me that you'll love me, watch me as I fade

I'll give you all the things that these lions never gave

The hands on the clock and the things we cannot change

Tearin' out the pieces and take back what I made

If there's one thing I'd keep, it's you that I would save”

“ I don't know why I cut myself.

God give me a sign or help, I won't cry.

It'll be fine I'll take my last breath.

Push it out my chest till there's nothing left.”

“Have you ever met a living legend,

Just a real friend who planned his end?

And where do I begin?

You said it was pretend.

And when the bullet went through,

It took more than just you.

It took two, it was you,

It was me, and suddenly.

How can someone say they're helpless,

And then they act so selfish?

You put me through hell with this,

So fuck you let's just end this.

And what about our friendship?

What you did was senseless.

You thought you found an exit?

Like I said, let's end this!”

“ Someone left the door open

Who left me outside

I'm bent, I'm not broken

Come live in my life

All the words left unspoken

Are the pages I write

On my knees and I'm hoping

That someone holds me tonight

Hold me tonight”

“ 'Cause I

I think of you now and then

The memories never end when

Gravity pulls you in

(You in, you in, you in, you in)”

All HU, nice songs, these are some I thought you’d like. Take me home, let go, gravity, lion, circles, the loss, outside.

And then just the entirety of True Friends, which I quite enjoy.

So, goodbye.

( Now I can see your pain, I'm sorry!

GOODBYE!

I cry so hard.

Now I can see your pain, I'm sorry!

GOODBYE!

I cry tonight!) (Pain - HU)

Goodbye for now,

Hasta luego.

Good day.

And I love you.

And if you decide to delete some of our memories, that’s okay. Danny and Da kurlzz have a little something to say to you.

And so do I.

But, I’d prefer you not to, maybe you’d like to look back at times. I don’t care if there are any pending messages from me, but the ones that exist, once they get deleted, maybe they’re gone forever. And I know you’re petty enough to now go delete them and make a few more telling me to piss off.

Maybe one day you’d want to look back. Maybe if you delete them from you, it deletes from mine too. So delete them all, if you delete any. You can keep the one that says that you wouldn’t care about my status as a human, alive or dead, for all I care, that’s what begun my thoughts and nightmares of you killing me. And yet you’ve said before that… that you don’t want me to die. Shock, horror, even I was surprised to have that quoted. I won’t call bullshit, only the truth of my thoughts.

Delete the happy moments, Hunter, if that is what you wish, don’t do it out of petty spite. Delete the happy and the sad, until there is no trace of us, until there are ten posts on Randythewriter, where you cannot visit, where there is only the evil on Radne, the truth and what you did to me. If that’s what you wish.

I know you saw last nights thing. So, fly to Andromeda, and take your posts with you.

I.

Will.

Not.

Cry.

Over.

You.

I fucking loved you.

And finally,

I’m using the right word.

[transssexualheart]

Hey b I know you like asks so answer all 200 because I'm just that nice :^)

FUCK THATS SO MANY 

200: my crush’s name is:as if you all don’t know at this point. it’s sarah

199: i was born in:2002

198: i am really:gay

197: my cellphone company is: i’m so fuckin stupid i’m not sure what the question is asking

196: my eye color is: brown

195: my shoe size is:eight and a half/nine

194: my ring size is:i don’t wear rings

193: my height is:5′5

192: i am allergic to:nothing

191: my first car was:never had a car

190: my first job was:never had a job

189: last book you read:hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy

188: my bed is:small

187: my pet:is a beautiful orange cat named danny and i love her

186: my best friend:is lovely

185: my favorite shampoo is:i don’t care 

184: xbox or ps3:i’ve never played a ps3 so i guess xbox

183: piggy banks are:ok??? why are we trying to start piggy bank discourse

182: in my pockets:are trash

181: on my calendar:i don’t use a calendar

180: marriage is:alright?? i’d get married if my partner wanted to

179: spongebob can:?? exist??

178: my mom:is not very nice

177: the last three songs i bought were?uhhh i havent bought music in a while idk

176: last yt video i watched:for him.

175: how many cousins do you have?fuck dude. so many. i don’t know.

174: do you have any siblings?two, a brother and a sister

173: are your parents divorced?well my parents tried to get divorced but my dad died before it actually got worked out and my mom and my stepdad aren’t married and have never been so

172: are you taller than your mom?i believe so  

171: do you play an instrument?yeah, piano

170: what did you do yesterday?not much, just sat around and then walked in circles around my house for hours and then hung out with my siblings in the yard

[do you believe in]

169: love at first site:no, what if that pretty girl u saw on the street is an asshole?? what if she’s racist and homophobic dude u don’t know her

168: luck:sure

167: fate:yeah i guess

166: yourself:haha no

165: aliens:ya

164: heaven:idk

163: hell:idk

162: god:idk!! 

161: horoscopes:idk they’re fun to look at 

160: soul mates: i’d like to believe in soul mates

159: ghosts:idk

158: gay marriage:gay marriage isn’t a fuckinhg cryptid, yes i believe in it i’m gay and i’m gonna probably get married

157: war:god fuck i don’t know

156: orbs:??????????

155: magic:could be real, might not be, who knows

[this or that]

154: hugs or kisses:kisses

153: drunk or high:never been either so

152: phone or online:phone, can text my friends whom i lov

151: red heads or black haired:black haired i guess

150: blondes or brunettes:someone’s gonna get sad when i answer this but brunettes

149: hot or cold:i don’t know actually

148: summer or winter:summer, it’s better than having seasonal depression added onto my normal depression

147: autumn or spring: spring

146: chocolate or vanilla:vanilla

145: night or day:night

144: oranges or apples:apples

143: curly or straight hair:curly!!!!!!!!!!!!!

142: mcdonalds or burger king:don’t really eat at either but if i had to choose, mcdonalds

141: white chocolate or milk chocolate?white chocolate

140: mac or pc:pc

139: flip flops or high heels:high heels

138: ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:wtf 

137: coke or pepsi:don’t really drink soda

136: hillary or obama:man i don’t know too much about politics all i know is that i’d choose hillary over trump any day

135: buried or cremated:man i’m not sure,, i guess i’d prefer to be cremated Please Rid The World Of My Horrible Body

134: singing or dancing:singing

133: coach or chanel:i have like fifty cents do you think i can afford that shit

132: kat mcphee or taylor hicks:who

131: small town or big city:i love the city, maybe that’s because i live in a small town but i love the city

130: wal mart or target:target

129: ben stiller or adam sandler: idk

128: manicure or pedicure:well i don’t want anyone touching my feet i don’t even like taking my socks off around friends unless i very much trust them

127: east coast or west coast:well i live on the east coast so

126: your birthday or christmas:my bday bc we go on vacation for it bc it’s over the summer

125: chocolate or flowers:flowers

124: disney or six flags:never been to disney so six flags

123: yankees or red sox:sport???

[here’s what i think about]

122: war:didn’t another question p much ask the same thing

121: george bush:idk??

120: gay marriage:p much already been asked bud

119: the presidential election:not my president can’t believe u fuckers let trump win

118: abortion:if someone wants an abortion, they should be able to get it. no one else should have a monopoly over that, not even the father, because their body does not belong to him.

117: myspace:never used it

116: reality tv:eh

115: parents:some are good, mine i am not fans of

114: back stabbers:i don’t think i’ve ever really been backstabbed

113: ebay:it’s ok?

112: facebook:don’t really use it

111: work:don’t have a job

110: my neighbors:i don’t talk to them much but everytime we go near their dogs on the otherside of the fence they call the dogs back or pull them away one of the kids went “haha you can’t touch our dogs” and?? idk why??

109: gas prices:i don’t drive

108: designer clothes:can’t afford them

107: college:haven’t been 

106: sports:Throw Ball

105: my family:my sister is lovely, my brother is really mean, and my parents are also p mean like i don’t realize sometimes until i tell something they said and they’re like “??? that’s really not ok??”

104: the future:hasn’t happened yet how would i know

[last time i]

103: hugged someone:earlier today i hugged my aunt because she’s over for easter

102: last time you ate:just ate a tootsie roll a lil bit ago

101: saw someone i haven’t seen in a while:i guess the only person i haven’t seen very recently is spence and the last time i saw him was a few weeks ago

100: cried in front of someone:long time ago

99: went to a movie theater: went to see beauty and the beast a while back but i don’t remember exactly when that was

98: took a vacation: last summer

97: swam in a pool:last summer at my aunt’s probably 

96: changed a diaper:many years

95: got my nails done:i painted a clear coat on them a lil while back does that count

94: went to a wedding:year or so ago?

93: broke a bone:never broken any bones

92: got a piercing:when i was like five

91: broke the law:idk

90: texted:a few mins ago

[misc]

89: who makes you laugh the most:hahah. u

88: something i will really miss when i leave home is:oh man. all my friends, hubbard hall, the school playground, as much as i wanna leave this town i’ll probably cry leaving it behind

87: the last movie i saw:moana!

86: the thing that i’m looking forward to the most:death

85: the thing i’m not looking forward to:school starting again

83: the most difficult thing to do is:tell someone you’re in love with them

82: i have gotten a speeding ticket:never??

81: my zodiac sign is:leo

80: the first person i talked to today was:probably my mom

79: first time you had a crush:seventh grade

78: the one person u can’t hide anything from:apparently you because u always figure me out

77: last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday, spence was talking about how his bf had big hands and i said “u know what they say” and i was about to say “big gloves” but he beat me to it

76: right now i am talking to:i’m not talking i’m typing

75: what are you going to do when you grow up:idk

 74: i have/will get a job:i don’t?? know??

73: tomorrow:is easter

72: today:is not easter

71: next summer:??

70: next weekend:idk man??

69: i have these pets:one cat, two fish

68: the worst sound in the world:chEWING

67: the person that makes me cry the most is:haha

66: people that make you happy:my friends

65: last time i cried:about a month ago

64: my friends are:the best!!!

63: my computer is:alright

62: my school:is the fucking worse

61: my car:is non existent

60: i lose all respect for people who:support trump

59: the movie i cried at was:i cried over the shitty mario movie when i was seven

58: your hair color is: dark brown

57: tv shows you watch:i don’t really watch tv

56: fav website:i dont kno

55: your dream vacation:to go to the beach with friends

54: the worst pain i was ever in was:emotional

53: how do you like your steak cooked:well not burnt

52: my room is:alright

51: my fav celebrity is:does dan avidan count? he still holds a special place in my heart

50: where would you like to be:my answers for these kinds of qs are always so gay 

49: do you want children:used to not want them, but i guess depending on the person i’d have them with i MIGHT

48: ever been in love:ya

47: who’s your best friend:asdgkjgf

46: more guy friends or more girl friends:many of us are nb

45: one thing that makes you feel great is:being loved

44: one person you wish you could see right now:u know, u all know who

43: do you have a five year plan:???????

42: have you made a list of the things to do before u die:1. kiss a girlthat’s it

41: have you prenamed your children:no

40: last person i got mad at:probably my brother

39: i would like to move to:nyc

38: i wish i was a professional:animator

[my favs]

37: candy:sweedish fish and jolly ranchers

36: vehicle:idk

35: president:i only remember obama

34: state visited:idk

33: cellphone provider:also idk

32: athlete:don’t pay attention to sports

31: actor:i don’t freakin know

30: actress:well,

29: singer:wELL,,

28: band:not sure

27: clothing store:idk

26: grocery store:hannaford??

25: tv show:no idea

24: movie:so many good movies

23: website:i think this was already asked??

22: animal:not sure

21: theme park:only ever been to like one

20: holiday:xmas

19: sport to watch:uhh i guess soccer?? i’ll actually understand whats happening so

18: sport to play:also soccer

17: magazine:don’t read them

16: book:carry on

15: day of the week:saturday

14: beach:no specific one i just like the beach

13: concert attended:only ever been to one, it was a top concert

12: thing to cook:grilled cheese

11: food:not sure

10: restaurant:idk

9: radio station:don’t really listen to the radio

8: yankee candle scent:??? idk???

7: perfume:don’t really wear it

6: flower:roses or tiger lillies

5: color:blue

4: talk show host:i don’t know??

3: comedian:bo burnham

2: dog breed:shiba inu

1: did you answer all of these truthfully?ya

i didn’t move the whole time i answered all 200 help me

[scarlet-raindrops00]

Okay so.. I dated this guy named Steve and like holy shit. I really liked him. His eyes like captivated me. They were so full of ambition and life. I could tell that he had been through a lot in life. And his personality was out of this world. He could make me laugh so effortlessly. It was so easy to just be myself around him. I didn’t feel the need to pretend. And don’t even get me started about the way his soft lips kissed mine sver so gently. It was amazing and I loved his kisses. But he was toxic for me and I believe I was toxic for him. Our relationship was a beautiful disaster. We had a 4 year age difference and to me it didn’t matter. But to him it was like it was the fucking end of the world.

We started dating in July of 2015 but had been friends since December 2014 when I randomly messaged him on Facebook.

Steve became my best friend before he became my boyfriend. I loved spending time with him. He was different. He seemed so confident and I really admired that.

Steve was honestly the closest I’ve ever been to a single person ever.

I told him everything. And that was my 2nd biggest regret. The first being ignoring the fact that there were serious issues about our relationship and pretending like things were totally okay when they weren’t. At all.

He asked me to be his girlfriend in this silly way and I was totally oblivious to the fact that he was asking me out and like I said No at first 😂 But the reason we were there, sitting in his car at Danny boys at 11 at night (they weren’t even open) Was I was kicked out of my parents house. It was the worst night. All of the fighting.. Anyways yeah.. That’s how we started dating. And august came along and I was already feeling like we weren’t going to last long. I liked him alot but I knew it wasn’t mutual. I listened and sang the same song for several months after the camping trip my family took.

Oh goodness lol I was so stupid.

October came and mind you, my parents didn’t exactly know about him. A bunch of shit went down with my family and idek if I ever even told Steve about it. I don’t really remember. I was the worst girlfriend because I would keep things from him. Things like my parents actually not ever knowing I was with him.

Because my parents were so fucking strict at the time that I couldn’t even ride in a car alone with a guy because “He could take you and rape you and then throw your body into the river” And honestly I wish he would have done that instead of staying with someone he really didn’t want to be with.

We made lots of good memories together. Like going to Lansing. He didn’t know it, but at that time I was struggling with kidney problems. My kidney wasn’t working correctly and I was sure that I was going to die soon. (But I didn’t. Duh.) Idk. We ate jimmy Johns and did improv and I was awful bc well I’m awful at everything. But I remember a guy walking by us when we were in character and like looking at us oddly but neither of us had a care in the world.

Then he skated down the parking garage and it was fucking awesome.

I knew through all this time that something was wrong but I just kept on telling myself that everything was fine. I knew I was losing him.

He would purposely ignore me because he didn’t feel like talking to me. His friends told me all about it 😂😂

Looking back at it now.. I was like fucking crazy oh my God. 😅😅😅 AHHH

Anywaysss.. he’d take hours to respond and I mean HOURS. And it was the most irritating thing ever. Because I like talking. (Obviously)

He would apologize for taking so long and of course I’d dismiss it like it was no big deal when literally it pissed me off so much. I knew he was ignoring me. He purposefully did it to not talk to me. Which WHY. Like was I really that annoying. (Yes.)

Looking back now, and reading old messages literally all I did was complain and now I’m like.. brittany. What the heck? I was so annoying.

January came and we were supposed to hangout. But instead he totally ditched me to hangout with his friends.

This was when I was going through my notifications on Facebook and Steve literally was liking all of these pictures of this girl named Morgan or something AND SHE WORKED AT THE BIG BOY IN GREENVILLE AND GUESS WHERE I WORKED. AT BIG BOY IN IONIA. Ha. Idk why that seemed relevant to me at all but it did.

He was liking all of her pictures and she was super freaking pretty (too bad she was known for cheating and other awful things)(karma’s a bitch huh? 😘 )

I was kinda jealous because this girl was everything that I wasn’t. Older. Pretty. Older. Lol.

And I knew that he had a thing for this girl. He was my best friend. It’s funny because people say “oh it’s only just a like” but like guess what this last summer he was like with her. I seen him with her at Danny boys and he was doing the walk and the hair thing he always did and I knew that he had liked her.

Anyways. Basically one night the day before valentine’s day. I had something super cute planned out and I was so ready to see him. I had gotten him a gift. And yeah. Guess what he did? He fucking told me that this was the only weekend that worked for him to play D&D with his friends like FUCK YOU He legit saw his friends every damn day. I hadn’t seen him in months. And yet he couldn’t spare a single minute to see me. Yeppp. I was soo bitter. I called my best friend bawling my eyes out because I was so heartbroken. She talked to me and just made me realize how fucked up our relationship was. And it wasn’t all him. I wasn’t very great either. I tried to be good. I really did but lol. He messaged me that night and things seemed okay. I had changed his name on messenger back to Steve — and then he asked me why so I changed it back to boyfriend 😘

And we got talking and he kept on digging his hole deeper and deeper with me. All I remember is him talking about being manipulative and then I blew up. Out of no where. And so yeah like 6 hours later we had broken up and he called me crying and I stayed strong on the phone. He apologized. He felt so bad. I could hear the genuinity in his voice. After we hung up I just screamed into my pillow. I cried myself to sleep that morning.

Valentine’s day was the worst for me. I spent it alone in my house. I had to work in the afternoon and my family was out with other family. I got my ukulele and top stuff that day. (Thanks Amazon Prime!) All I remember is this awful pain in my gut. I just laid on the living room floor in a ball just crying and screaming out why?

Why did I have to go and fuck things up? Why did this have to happen to me? After everything that I had been through? Why me?

I was such a wreck for so long.

We lost touch. He decided that being friends would be weird and I just gave him the space he needed.

I miss him sometimes. I don’t miss anything about how stupid and toxic our relationship was. It was awful timing and I hate the world for that. But I learned so much about myself. I am strong. I am crazy as all hell. (Not really anymore) I am smart. I am unique. I can persevere through literally everything.

Honestly, I just want to be his friend. I don’t want to date him. We tried that. It didn’t work. It wasn’t healthy. But I just want to be his friend. Because damn it. He was my friend before he was my boyfriend.

But I will forever not know how he felt. How he feels or how he’s even doing.

Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will.