#and i've been struggling with my mental health a lot the past few months

[timothyslucy]

sorry i've been so m.i.a today, but i've quite literally had to go into hiding from one of my brothers who's been threatening violence against me and making me genuinely feel fearful of my life, so that's how my monday's been going. 🙃

[charrfie]

I originally had only planned on posting a message pertaining to new years on my sideblog, where I've been residing for quite a few months now. But I decided it'd only be right to post something here too... to be more transparent and sentimental with you all. Truthfully, these past few months have not been kind to me. I have experienced repeated struggles with my physical and mental health, [art] burnout, and more private matters. Hence my sparse interactions online. But tumblr and the folks on it have been such a gift for me through all of this; I hold a lot of affection for it. For the first time in many many years of my social media experience, I have found a place that allows for me to feel very minimal amounts of pressure in having any sort of online presence as well as allows me to meet so many kind souls.... both through repeated and singular interactions alike :^) I hope we have many more years ahead of us! Thank you all for the comforting sentiments you've sent my way over the years, and this year in particular. You all have made it much more bearable during tough times, and I hope I've been able to provide a comforting space for you all as well.

I am too unwell to give a very grand speech here, now, of all places. But I did want to express my earnest wish that 2025 be good to each and every one of you. May all of you be gentle to yourselves; may all of you be gentle to others. I do hope you love the world and in turn, it loves you.

Happy new year everyone! 💖

[taffywabbit]

it feels weird to finally get a year where I get to say this but I think maybe 2024 actually WAS my year. hopefully not the last, but it really feels like the first, at least in a long time. I was stagnant and static and drifting without much momentum in any direction for quite a while, and then suddenly this year:

I finally moved into a solo apartment and am no longer living in a house with an ever-shifting pool of like 5 roommates. having my own quiet comfy space to cook and relax and be nocturnal without bothering anyone has been HUGE for my mental health

I worked very hard to recoup the money I lost from that move and got myself in a fairly stable and comfortable position again, work-wise

I finally started HRT in June, after about 5 years of waiting/struggling to find a doctor/fear/general motivation issues. which absolutely kicks ass and is probably the highlight of the whole year if I had to pick just one

I also finally got diagnosed with ADHD and (with a little trial and error) got medicated for it, which is another thing I've been trying to sort out for like 6 years. hey did you know executive dysfunction and problems with memory/task management/motivation make it really hard to go through the process of getting treated for the cause of those symptoms? wild huh

I rekindled a much closer relationship with a couple of my younger siblings, especially the elder of my two sisters, and we have really nice chats fairly regularly now (crazy considering we did nothing but fight constantly for like 20 years lol)

I came out fully to my family, for better or worse, and MOST of them have been surprisingly chill and supportive about it

I worked on a little game project with a friend for a couple months! it didn't end up working out but I learned a lot from the experience

I started doing WAY more personal art and kinda rediscovered my passion for it, and as a result I've progressed a lot stylistically and technically within the past few months

I beat Pseudoregalia 94 times since the first time I tried it in February. not really an achievement on the same level as all this other stuff but I'm still proud of it

like idk! there were a lot of rough patches this year and I was honestly pretty burnt out for the first half of it, but 2024 still feels like the year where I bundled up all my frustration about going nowhere with my life and achieving none of my goals and turned it into fuel to just blaze through a bunch of stuff in the back half. I wish I'd done a lot of it sooner, but life has been reminding me a lot lately that it really IS better late than never, so I'm trying to keep that perspective in mind and not let the idea of a ticking clock intimidate me like it used to. I am trying to be optimistic that 2025 will allow me to continue this momentum. we'll see I guess!

idk if I really have any resolutions per se? I guess I'd really like to make music more often in 2025, even if it's just small things I do in one or two sittings occasionally instead of full songs. I started writing a song this year, with lyrics and everything, and then didn't finish putting it together, so at the very least I'd like to make THAT happen soon. I think finding a way to get myself back into animation casually would be neat too - I have a lot of mental hangups and personal roadblocks holding me back, largely from my awful college experience, but I think if I can just find some tools that are comfortable for me then I'll be able to conquer those and hopefully start enjoying it again on my own terms. there's other stuff I'd like to pick up this year as well but honestly I'm keeping my expectations small for now and we'll just see what happens! let's do it, wahoo

[obsessionatthemoment]

I feel the need to make a small intro post, because although I prefer to be anonymous online, it would still be nice for people to be able to get to know me. (Also a post with links to the Byler fanfics I have written, and fanart I have made.)

I'm not comfortable sharing my real name, so you can just call me my username, or the abbreviated version oatm.

I'm diagnosed autistic, and also have a very severe history of mental illness. And, I am very open about my 4 years spent in the troubled teen industry (it's actually about to be my 1-year of being home anniversary as of making this, which is the longest I've been home for since 6th grade!).

I'm very imaginative. Some of my interests are writing, reading and drawing. I also love a good analysis.

The only fandom I'm currently active on is Byler, but I have a lot of other pieces of media I'm interested in, such as:

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

-Young Royals (as long as I pretend season 3 doesn't exist)

-Red, White & Royal Blue (as long as I pretend the movie doesn't exist)

-Heartstopper (as long as I pretend the TV show doesn't exist, are you sensing a theme here?), and all of Alice Oseman's other books (especially I Was Born for This, and Radio Silence)

Byler fanfic recommendations:

Random recommendation post link

Some links to the Byler fanfics I have written:

Don't listen to assholes Are you okay? series (complete)

Max doesn’t cry very often, but this is enough to make her eyes fill with tears. She can’t respond, so she just shakes her head instead. Will buries his head in his hands, and she remains there, lost in thought. How is she even supposed to handle this information? Is he a su*cide risk, or was he simply saying that being told to k*ll himself made him briefly think about it? Should she tell Joyce?

“Don’t listen to assholes.” She eventually comes up with. It’s really just a brief summary of what actually needs to be said, but she can’t be articulate when she’s been hit with this situation.

Or: Max witnesses a bullying incident with Will, and suggests they skip the rest of the school day. They go to the junkyard and talk about Mike, college, and eventually the events of the day.

Sleep in my room? Are you okay? series (still in progress)

Over the past few weeks, the already murky line between friends and something more with Mike and Will has been further blurred. They’re stuck in a sort of limbo, and have been for some time. The thing is, Mike has been aware of his feelings. Will has been, too. They just don't do anything about it, and both have their own reasons to justify this static place in their relationship.

However, their relationship is progressing anyway, even without intention, or some label. Maybe it’s because sleeping in the same room is so intimate, or maybe it’s simply going to the place it needs to be. In any case, things are changing, and progressing, whether they like it, or not. They're closer now than ever.

Or: After Mike finds out about Will's sleeping issues, he invites Will to start sleeping in his room. This becomes routine, and over the course of their freshman year of college, their relationship progresses into something romantic.

Is this real? Are you okay? series (complete)

Properly panicking now, chills run through his body, and his breathing becoming shaky. He doesn’t understand what's happening. One second everything was fine. He was having a good time with his friends and his boyfriend in his home. The next second, everything turned wrong. Their voices went wrong. Everything got dark and cold. Now he’s living in a nightmare.

Or: Will is having a derealization episode, and Mike, Max and El help him through it.

Fine Are you okay? series (complete but being rewritten to better fit the narrative)

Will and Mike have been living with each other for a few months. Will is trying to be happy while struggling with some serious mental health issues. When lying to himself becomes a bit too much, Mike is there to help him through it.

My Byler fanart:

[my-unorthodox-life]

okay can i vent for a minute? get real personal with all y'all?

i've been a tumblr user since i got my first tablet at age 12, over a decade of having at least one active blog (usually more) so it's safe to say i've both gotten my fair share of hate and found ways of using this app to benefit me and keep me detached from this hate

currently i have 4 active blogs, my main where i do the typical reblogging and updates on my fanfics, this one where i post like a proper blog and reblog jewish things that matter to me, my mental health recovery blog where i talk about my eating disorder and ptsd, and my adult one where i reblog fun sexy stuff and chat about the struggles of dating as sex positive people with trauma.

all very important to me and all have various levels of anonymity when it comes to knowing about me as a person. some have my name, some a nickname, one just my age. plus various tidbits so people know what to expect from my posts and what we can chat about, basic blog rules essentially

in the past few months as antisemitism has gotten more and more common place i of course get more anon hate, i don't turn of inboxes since i do get nice stuff from time to time, and that's kind of the territory of running a blog (i had a trans rights one in the age of kalvin garrah, i think i'll live)

out of those four blogs the one that gets the most antisemitic messages, i mean full paragraphs of truly vile ramblings that read like a nazi fever dream, is the one for my mental health recovery. a blog that i block all but mutuals on, meaning either a stranger or someone i've interacted with is sending these messages

i've started replying to them, cause i feel if they want to be mean and make a fool of themselves i might as well let everyone see (poor guy keeps sending me weird reviews of "my" wattpad fics. i've never had a wattpad account but this doesn't seem to stop him), but what gets me is that blog has the least personal information on it. no name or nickname, no hobbies or interests listed, nothing about what i do for work beyond "pet care", and the only mention of my religion or politics was one post that joking about how my mental health often gets worse around the high holy days (very demure, very mindful)

and yet that's the blog that gets straight up death threats, not even disguised as anything else, just straight up calling me a pig who deserves to burn. not the personal blog where i've posted about israel and palestine, or about dating while religious, or hell even this one that might as well be a "i'm a sensitive jewish minded person! thoughts?" blog.

no the one blog that people feel safe harassing is the nondescript recovery and relapse blog. that's where people feel comfortable.

and it makes me sad, not because of what was said, but because it *was* said. that there's people out there comfortable enough in their bigotry to go up to someone and spew vile hate like it's nothing, but only of course if they can't put a name or face to the person they're talking to

what this reminds me of is when i was in high school i had an art teacher who didn't stand for antisemitic jokes, and there were a lot in my school. one day a kid just asked him "Mr.Dexter, are you a jew?" and his response really stuck with me. he said "It doesn't matter, maybe I am, maybe I used to be, maybe my wife is. But you shouldn't not say mean things just because you don't want to get in trouble, you shouldn't say them because you know it's wrong. If you didn't know, you wouldn't ask."

and i think that really sums up all these trolls i've seen running through jewish blogs or even ones that casually mention it, they know it's wrong but the aren't saying it to a jewish face, they're just saying it to the idea of judaism

these people wouldn't walk up to you on the street and look you up and down and say half of what they feel comfortable typing, but here where they can not only hide their face, but seek out a target that has hidden their own they've found a way to give themselves free reign to say and do whatever they want. to them it's not a person on the other side of the screen, it's the strawman caricature of a jewish person, out here just for them to yell at to get whatever anger they have out of their system

of course there are some people who would say truly despicable things to a random person on the street, but cmon is that person really on tumblr hunting through buzz words to send hate?

anyways i know the compassionate thing to do would be to pray for them to heal what's hurting them so bad, but yanno what, they can suffer a bit first

[yawnderu]

TW: Mentions of suicidal thoughts and mental health, depression.

Hi! I'm sorry I haven't been active here, I've been struggling for a few months now and everything was building up to a breaking point so these past 2 weeks have been just awful.

Thank you so much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! I really really appreciate it, and I'm very thankful for every single person who has interacted with me and my blog. ^^

I don't know if I'll keep writing or if I'll use this blog/Tumblr much, quite honestly I got into writing when I was pretty motivated and had a serotonin surge after getting out of an abusive relationship and I was pretty much the happiest I've ever been despite struggling with my mental health since middle school.

Sadly, that didn't last long and it came crashing down harder than ever. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill or harm myself, I simply wanted to apologize for not being active, not replying to dms and comments much, and generally just being way less active than what I used to be.

Thank you to all of you, I made really awesome friends here and just know that if you ever interacted with my content, I see you, and I appreciate you more than you could ever think. This blog is what kept me going for a very long time, so thank you a lot for that as well!<3

Now this isn't a farewell, just an explanation. It's likely I'll come here to leave posts every once in a while once I'm doing a bit better, and I'm active daily on Discord in case any of my mutuals want to add me there.

I play MW3 quite a lot too, so if any of my followers would like to play, we can do that as well!<3

[chadfallout76podcast]

Major Update: Life...is a changing for me/us (and a sneak peek of Vault-Tec Rises!

Good afternoon!

I wanted to give you all an update on Vault-Tec Rises as well as an update on myself and some major life changes happening this year that may impact our season while the dust settles. Firstly, I'm more than halfway done with our next major feature length episode, "Vault-Tec Rises"...which is technically episode 16, set BEFORE Little Sanctuary of Horrors. It essentially is the story of how everyone came to be there in the first place, what Vault-Tec and the Enclave are really up to, and is the start of our last 4 episodes of the season as the Battle for Appalachia begins.

Secondly, I've shared quite a bit about the journey of these past 10 years with my husband Travis and his struggle with mental health. Many of you were kind of enough to support or share our GoFundMe to help take the pressure off the crushing debt we were under with mounting medical bills and his bills, none of which was covered by insurance fully. Trying to keep us afloat financially has been a long-term struggle of mine and here's in New Hampshire we just haven't been able to get ahead. After having to cancel some of his services last week as we couldn't afford them, we made some major decisions.

The next few months I'll be doing a lot of painting, landscaping, plastering and prepping to list our home on the market. Financially we can't afford to buy again for a while, so we're stuck renting. Based on what things are selling for in the area, I'm not too worried about getting out of it fairly quickly. We'll be moving to Texas, in between Dallas and Fort Worth in a really beautiful, new planned community where leasing and the overall lower cost of living will save us $20k a year which will allow us to not only fix our debt issue permanently, but also they have one of the leading centers in the country for C-PTSD. Once settled, I'd be able to get him more direct help he's needed that we just don't have access to out here.

Texas is going to be a big, big change for us...a huge move, but one I'm eager to make. Our backup editor is continuing to plug away at stories as well as I've had my hands full with work trying to keep the lights on (literally). I wanted to explain all of this with clear honesty so you know what I've been doing, what I'll be doing this year and why it often takes us so long to ship episodes to you. Your patient and support of me really, really means the world to me. The other benefit of this move is that once I'm not strangled hustling for work 7 days a week, I'll have more free time to actually create. Something I really want to do...as there are still two more seasons of Chad and some other projects I really want to share with you all.

I hope to have our 3-hour feature length Vault-Tec Rises completed in the next few weeks, so stay tuned. :) And if you can please excuse how hectic this year will be between selling and moving halfway across the country I'd appreciate it.

Much love to you all,

Ken

[vettelsvee]

MY CURRENT WORKS IN PROGRESS UPDATES (+ LIFE UPDATE) !

hi guys! hope you're doing great <3 yesterday was my birthday and, as taylor swift said once, i don't know about you, but i'm feeling 22!

first of all, I'm so sorry for not posting many fics these days, especially not the chapters I promised for goodbyes are bittersweet, but i've been struggling with my mental health a lot for the past few days and i felt like everything i wrote was absolute shit. however, i'm trying my best to update you as soon as i can! here are some of the things i'd like to talk to you about:

✧ requests are closed for now, as i still have requests to write and i want to focus on series and mini series i have already posted, and some of them that i'd post in upcoming weeks. hope you can understand this (pls don't cancel me)

✧ history (seb x wife race engineer!reader series) is on private and will be posted in a completely new version as i saw many mistakes and, to be honest, i wasn't feeling very comfortable with the story. however, it'll be the same: posted in different parts, each one for each year from 2008 to 2022 as it's a documentary about their lives :)

✧ goodbyes are bittersweet (seb x ex gf singer!reader series) will continue. this is not the end yet, guys, there's so much more to come and i'm so excited for you to read it!

✧ i'll continue posting begin again (mark webber x single mum!reader series) as the same time i try to keep up with my tortured poets department (f1 drivers x reader)

✧ great power, great responsibility series (retired!seb x pregnant wife!reader, rb!seb x best friend!reader, and intern!oscar x driver!reader) plots will be announced as soon as i reach 1k followers! tbh can't wait for you to find out about these au :)

✧ my upcoming series are the following: one call away (oscar piastri x youtuber!reader), oops, i did it again (lewis hamilton x pr ex wife rosberg!reader), night changes (mick schumacher x reader) and way back home (george russel x reader)

✧ all my series and one shots will be available as well in wattpad with the non-reader version (they'll have an oc as some of you might prefer it!). you can follow me on wattpad here!

i'm a month away from start my last year of uni and i have four full months of teacher practice (from october to january), apart from studying proper subjects and doing a final degree investigation, as well as balancing all of that with working as a teacher and improving my english so i can get my final language certificates.

i just want to have a variety of wips so I don't get stuck or bored with one, and you also have the opportunity to choose what to read! however, if you wanna tell me something my inbox is always there for you :)

hope you can understand and, if you're reading this, tysm <3

[cconfusedkat]

(shaking hands, functioning on three iced coffees, not beta read we just die) (LIL BRO TREATING THIS LIKE AO3Anyways yeah i did not read anything i typed here a second time so my wording might Suck Major Kuss)

Hey chat! sorry my holiday depression unfortunately kicked in, i had a ,, relatively decent Eid (cuz i dont celebrate christmas) ...? so i hope everyone had a relatively better holiday than i did… 💦

My friends often tell me i look like my art and i kinda see it. Hooray! Meeting the artist! Except i took matters into my own hands of making my own collage because I Do Not Have Enough Storage Space For Any Other Editing App

Additional shitpost ❤️ the art I've been most proud of are not actually in here, really! I'm mainly proud of the fanart i made for the few smiling critters AU's aaaall the way back feb-march but. I guess the stuff i liked the most i did this year was probably for the one who wilts? Im trying to think of stuff earlier than that. I noticed i definitely had an improvement in art, and i learned i do have a preference of drawing certain ways now too lmao- the fun of art! I hope to improve more in 2025 :-)

Herm,, all jokes aside, im glad people like my art...?? I am not a very Secure artist myself (already taking me five minutes to type that out and consider myself as an artist) so im SHOCKED when people Actually like my things. My doodles. The sometimes rare occasion of real art i put out there. Like! Wow! Thats crazy

Id have to say the same for youtube- im currently at 456 subscribers 🥺❤️ that is huge to me,, i wouldnt have expected me posting for the first time in years on youtube would result to me getting this many subscribers? ? .???

Im very, VERY thankful for the people ive met this year through fandom and generally. Unfortunately—for the past few months—Ive hit a really low stump in my mental health that limits me from talking to people without getting super drained, even on social media i kinda struggle with being active again. I am thankful for the people that continue to stick around and know im the way that i am,, one day ill be mentally stronger and everyone is gonna see my growth as soon as i can ,, Actually leave my own home and hopefully start a new. I didnt really consider that until one of my friends shared its experiences with me and i GENUINELY realized i can run away and get better one day,, there is a light at the end of the tunnel,, there IS,, but not now. Not today. Not in a few months. Itll take me years to heal but 2025 and ongoing years as i get more freedom to do so,,

UHHHH UHHH. ASIDE FROM CHEESY RANTING OF HAVING HOPES FOR THE FUTURE, YAPYAPYAP- i got a drawing tablet (again another thing my friend inspired me for- technically two major things in a row it inspired me for- hope in the future and drawing BWAHAHA-) and uhhh. HmMMOOHHH YEAH I REUNITED MY MEOWMEOWS! HOORA🎊🎊🎊🎊

my 2025 goals are not just improvement in art,, but in hopes of getting a full time job (since my last full time UMM. did NOT work out well! How am i gonna learn to pay my taxes on my own dawg,) and trying to get a place of my own since i missed out on that two years ago (or one? One year ago? I DUNNO..!!!!) , therapy and trying to heal better compared to my terrible stumps of 2022-2024,, i dunno what else but. Maybe working on my social skills at some point 🗿🗿 a far fetched goal is moving out of state completely and also going on testosterone but that is farrrr from now </33

Thank you lot for following and keeping up with my goofiness i gen did not think an animanga nerd with a passion of indie and mascot horror games could reach 510 followers within one year HELPPP thats crazy

On less serious goals though i hope on watching more animes than reading manga in 2025 BWAHAHAGAHSAJD i read manga more and anime is Extremely Rare for me to watch but both jjk and Beastars have all ive been watching as of recent lol- trust i will be such a geek (girl Please that is NAWT something to look forward to) (YES IT IS. HAVE YOU NO WHIMSY?)

[theyhavetakenovermylife]

My mental health

This is nothing to be worried about, nor meant to make anybody reading this uncomfortable. It is simply meant as a way for me to express myself, and practice opening up about my mental health a struggles.

I have ADHD, but it has long been suspected that it might be AuDHD. Along with that I've struggled with PTSD and depression. Just a year ago I had to stop working, due to my works place poor working conditions, making my already exiting PTSD worse, along with pushing me into the second major depressive episode in my life.

I moved out not too long ago, and so far I've been loving living alone, with a few exceptions - I started hearing and seeing things. Yes, it sounds weird, but I started hearing my old washing machine beebing, even though I had moved away from it. I started seeing things out of the corner of my eye.

But though I started hearing and seeing things, one amazing thing happened - I stopped having nightmares. I've long had a pattern of really bad nightmares, especially when stressed or paranoid, and that was beyond amazing. As I lived alone, my mask slowly came off. I noticed behavior and stimming I hadn't noticed before, along with the realisation of just how overstimulated I've been before.

But as amazing and a little confusing as that was, I did experience something, that in the end was enough to push me off of social medias for quite a while - my exams. A lot of things played in on this, but to put it simply; it was horrible. Me and my classmates were stressed, and given a very short time to do our assignment. Along with that, I was in the smallest groupe being only 3 people, while the others were 6 - 7. It was stressfull!

Coupled with that, I've over the past months uncovered something, that was a little shocking to me - I might have developed a personality disorder, and the suspected disorder is BPD. I am in dialog with both doctors about this, but nothing is set for sure. I'm still learning about myself, and just in the past year, my life has been pretty much turned upside down.

Though it has been hard to face these things about myself, it has honestly made many things clearer for me, and made the future seem a lot more brighter for a person like me.

That is why I enjoy places like this, were I can go a forget the world for a time. I can take all the emotions I feel from my day to day and turn them into something, that might benefit others in small ways. I don't change the world, but I can bring a person that little joy they need.

Though I may not be as active as before, I'm truly happy to be back💚

Love ya all, and thank you for sticking around🐢💚

[dystopicjumpsuit]

A quick update/proof of life

Hi friends! I've been pretty absent lately, and I apologize for worrying people. I've not been on Tumblr much for the past month or so, and I've missed a lot of comments and reblogs, and I apologize for that; it wasn't a conscious choice, and I'm so sorry if I made you feel ignored.

I'm cautiously optimistic that things are starting to improve on the mental health front, and I wanted to let you know that I'll be working through my notifications and queuing replies over the next few days.

I also have several friends who have posted chapters and fics that I haven't been able to read yet, but I'm very excited to start on them, particularly the new multi-chapter and longfics from arcsimper5, Alli, and Carol! I'm absolutely vibrating over these!

I'm sorry, I don't have an estimate on when new chapters or fics will be dropping yet. I've been struggling with writer's block for several weeks, and the few things I've been able to write have been... uh... probably not what people are expecting from me. I've actually considered setting up a separate blog for Dark!DJ fics, but I'm not sure there's much interest, so they might just live in my docs until I can figure out what to do with them.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and give an update and thank you all for sticking with me. I appreciate you all so much, and you mean more to me than I can say.

Biggest hugs 💜💜💜

[valentinsylve]

CW: Past suicidal ideation, mental health talk.

So, something very beautiful happened the other day, and I want to share it just because I know some of you are struggling with various forms of mental illness and perhaps have been diagnosed with personality disorders, which may or may not be professional assessments of misunderstood developmental anomalies and attachment trauma.

I've been working with my therapist, B., for over 10 years. When I first started seeing her, I vetted her with a longtime trusted friend who'd been her client, and I knew this friend had dealt with a lot of rage and traumas similar to mine. I asked her, "How comfortable is B. with anger?" and her response was "You would be in good hands with her."

Anyway. My therapist took me on as a high-risk client when I was already on the young side of middle aged. She quickly became aware that I was both unstable and halfway organized enough to take my own life. I was feral. I was a bitey whirlwind of grief and a kind of desperate need I found indescribable. I was 40 years old and had no idea of how to regulate my emotions. After we'd been working together for 2 years, I mused at the end of a session, "I think it's been several months since I verbally abused you." Her reply was, "Signs of healing." and she smiled and offered a hug, which I accepted.

The other day in our session we were talking about the usual sort of thing, and I was feeling emotionally soft but safe, and I noticed she seemed misty-eyed. I asked if she were OK. She told me, "I'm fine. I'm feeling very tender toward you, and after all this time you are able to accept this tenderness. You have had a hard time accepting love, because it's so often been entangled in betrayal; but now, in this space of trust you've given me, that we've worked hard to create together, I can communicate that I see you and in this way I love you."

I have always had a hard time with any kind of love. It feels so intense and frightening. I have lived with eruptions of attachment which were impossible for me to navigate. To be able to experience tenderness without pushing it away is relatively new to me. When that tenderness has appropriate boundaries, well, that's something.

I saw a therapist for the first time when I was barely 18. I have to emphasize that at the time I was required to see them. With few exceptions, my experiences with therapy in the following years were lacking or actively damaging. It took utter desperation to seek therapy again so late in life, but at last something took. I still have a ways to go, but so much is freshly possible now.

It's not too late for you, if you're worried about that. I guess that's my point. I think of my grandmother, the one whose physical, emotional and creative being I uncannily resemble, who took her mother-wounds from an abused childhood all the way to her grave, and I wish she could have met B. I hope you meet your B. as well. Maybe they won't be your therapist, but I hope they are someone who sees you and is not afraid to seek you out exactly where you are.

[roosterforme]

Hi! So I'm not the best about opening up and I'm definitely more of a lurker on your blog. But I just wanted to stop by and give you a few words of encouragement!

The past few months have been really hard on me. Mental health and some personal stuff going on has been feeling really heavy lately.

Tumblr has kind of been my escape and honestly you, sorchathered, and mynameismckenzie have been little glimmers of light for me. You guys all write the Top Gun guys (particularly Jake who is my favorite) so well and your fics have been a much wanted and needed distraction! Your Roo and BG story is also amazing. I've been slowly working through reading it from the beginning and it's great!)

So, I just want to say thank you for sharing your writing with all of us, and for helping me get through a really difficult season.

I’m really grateful to have you on my dashboard. 💛

I'm happy you sent this in so I can say thank you for reading! I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. Everything feels difficult right now, and I know a lot of us are struggling. Finding a little glimmer of hope on Tumblr can go a long way. I hope everything starts to turn around soon. 💕

@sorchathered @mynameismckenziemae

[papasbaseball]

Hiiii so this might be long, sorry, just a warning

I sort of have been realizing the Wizard definitely fits the Vibes I go for, and I half-joked with a friend that I needed Wizard/Reader fics and she found a few .. Including yours, Wonderful Wonderful Girl

And I have to say - I think it's altered my brain chemistry in the best way??? I read 14 chapters last night and 2 more this morning??? I am hooked??? I haven't binged a fic like this in years, I am delighted, I can't stop thinking about it or him, I keep listening to the soundtrack, Sentimental Man and the Specific little part with "Have Another Drink" keep me thinking back to the fic and my favorite parts and I cannOT HANDLE IT I haven't been this way in SO LONG it honestly feels amazing???

((I struggle a lot with depression and I was very very traumatized by my biggest fandom years ago, and I have severe CPTSD and other chronic health issues, mental and physical so like .. Enjoyment is hard to come by? I have been stressed out for the past year+? But this is honestly some of the happiest I've felt in months? Maybe years?))

Thank you so so much for writing the fic, I am waiting with bated breath for the next chapter and am honestly re-reading parts of it tonight (reading helps me sleep+not have flashbacks :') )

PLEASE if you feel so inclined keep writing him?? You manage to capture him so well - it's easy to write dialogue, however good, that doesn't fit the diction of the character but you include the quirks and specificities of language and diction that he uses and I don't know how else to explain it other than He Sounds Like Himself. It's honestly a great representation of the character.

I CANNOT get over so much of this fic, like - I honestly think being called a Wonderful Girl might fix me??? And if it doesn't I'm still keen to try???? The way he treats reader, the sort of softly condescending ways he speaks and acts, the protecting, the fondling, the coddling - good heavens the coddling - the RIBBONS?! I am gnawing a the bars of my CAGE it's so good I'M SO UNWELL

I also appreciate how you work in stakes to the fic - enough motivation to explain the Why behind Reader's actions, enough thought that it feels very believable; everything follows. And this is a huge compliment too - I am normally so impatient with slow burns but I LOVE THIS ONE. It's why I couldn't stop reading!!! I needed some respite!!! Each next chapter never came soon enough, I ate it all up!!!!

... also i can't get over them holding hands i just - GAH

IT'S SO GOOD THANK YOU AND BLESS YOU FOR WRITING AND SHARING IT

I CANNOT WAIT FOR WHATEVER ELSE YOU WRITE OF THE WIZARD I AM READY TO BE EVEN MORE DOWN BAD FOR THAT OLD MAN

Spoilers and long reply under the cut!

The Wizard does have that kind of sinister fuckery that can be so attractive, and I feel like maybe by part 2 we'll see him take over Tumblr as the next Tumblr Sexyman.

As for WWG, I genuinely can't explain wtf is going on in there because it's an all new experiment where I write the story as I go instead of trying to plot the whole thing. I think it's working so far, if not a little bit cheesy on the tropes, but that's okay. We can have a little extra cheese as a treat.

I do love it when people tell me their favorite parts, because I have my own favorite parts, but I suspect they differ a lot (I do get quite a kick out of when he snapped at the reader in Frottica. I also have this particular fondness for different characters that I've created, like Bruno and Lizard Eyes and Tomathy. I think they're so delightful and if I could, I would want to sit down with them and ask them a million questions about their lives.)

I definitely know what you mean about getting that way about a fic. There's one that I recommend to people if I get a good sense that they might like a particular character (he's a very hated character, so I don't go around reccing it, and it's also exclusive to ao3 users only). I had planned on eating it in bite sized pieces because I just genuinely wanted to savor the fixation I could feel forming, and instead I ate the entire fic in one sitting bc I couldn't stop myself. It gave me renewed vigor and I changed my whole personal style and I felt like a new person. I still love going back and reading it.

I am sorry that life has been rough. I think that's what art is for, finding new things that make life worth living, especially in these times and living conditions. In return, maybe one day it will inspire you to create also. I think the fic that I was talking about, along with several of my friends that I've made since writing more, are what pulled me back into writing. I wanted to give back in the way that helped me out of my dark places.

As for when the next chapter of WWG releases [opens my other tab where I've got it in the word processor] it's about 40% into the draft. I expect that I might finish drafting it within the next 2-4 days and then it sits for a day just so that I can have fresh eyes when I go back to edit it. Things have been moving slower lately, but I'll bounce back eventually.

I keep getting this feedback that he sounds like Jeff, and the only explanation is that I actually cloned the poor man and a tiny version of him lives in my pocket and we go over lines together and he tells me when stuff doesn't sound Goldblum™ enough.

I think him biting my neck might fix me. What? Who said that? He's so funny to me because he truly starts off just wanting to fuck with the Reader's head and slowly he gets too attached. When the Reader stops being so clouded in the fear that they've grown up around him because they get accustomed to him and his fuckery, she starts moving in new and unexpected ways, and he has to experience jealousy for the first time in decades. He has everything that he could ever want, so being shown that the thing that he wants is putting up a fight? I can only imagine how it just throws him into this absolutely silly rage.

I do really like the plot. I am a big fan of political intrigue (I like the prequel Star Wars films better than the originals because of the politics). I didn't start writing the story knowing that it was going to come out to be about embargoes and hostages and the whole nine yards, but in a way it's always been there from the first line.

Them holding hands... I can't explain it. It just happens when the moment is right.

You are so welcome. I love sharing my writing with other people.

We still have half a story to go for WWG (it's targeted at 80k words) but I think after it... I honestly don't know what I'll write. Part of me wants to do more stuff within the WWG universe (with the OCs like Bruno and Humak and Tomathy and maybe even a backstory to the Wizard's rise to power and what the hell was going on between him and Governor Thropp and Melena and Morrible.) and then part of me is like "I need to write depraved Ian Malcolm or Mac from EGAE smut" so we'll have to see. Maybe I'll throw up a poll or a Google survey when the time comes.

[dreamofbona]

random/thoughts

tw: mentions of sh

so i used to self-h@rm, c*tting specifically. ive been clean for four years, but i've just felt so triggered lately? i usually feel this way around october, as it's like the anniversary of when i stopped (really was forced to stop ig cuz my parents found out), but i just feel very triggered rn like i can't stop thinking abt it

my scars have faded (the ones on my arms at least) and the emptiness just bothers me sm? i drew on my arms with pen, and i feel a bit better now, but it's just so frustrating. my arms just feel like weird and itchy and wrong and drawing made me feel better but i still just don't feel right

obviously it's incredibly important to stop, as c*tting is not good, but i wish we as a society talked more abt how hard it is to stay clean

it truly becomes a coping mechanism, it's easy to feel triggered, idk i just feel so overwhelmed rn

it's so hard not to go back to it sometimes and ig i wish people acknowledged that is a very real struggle sometimes

i also just feel like such a hypocrite in some ways. i wish we talked more openly abt mental health, suicide, self-harm, etc just bc it's important to remove stigma so people can get help. at the same time, hearing people talk abt it is so triggering for me.

there were a few instances this past year - like from months ago - where people i know mentioned those things, like one of my teachers had a friend who'd committed, or someone was talking abt how lots of people sh at her school, and i still find myself thinking abt it sometimes. in the moment it was incredibly triggering, but it's not like it's their fault, cuz they don't know

aagh i just wish this was all easier. i don't want to go around broadcasting to everyone that i used to cut, or that i used to be (and still sometimes am) suicidal, but i also wish people didn't talk abt it as much? but i also want them to talk abt it to acknowledge mental health? idk

[blacksheepdolls]

I promised this post a while ago, sorry it took me so long. But there are, indeed, doll photos! I took Finn with me on a hike in the late fall, and there were some perfect mossy rocks for sitting on.

But... unrelated to that... life situation stuff will be under the cut, in case you want the post just for the photos.

So, about my complete lack of posting in the past, er, 6-7 months.

Life has been hard, to put it lightly. I don't want to disclose too much medical info, but I suffer from a pretty serious mental condition that resists treatment. I did okay for a few years there, but in 2024, things got worse. A lot worse. I had to get a medical accommodation at work, and even that wasn't enough; I lost my job in August. Around that time, I almost lost a lot more, is what I will say.

I haven't been able to get another job this entire time (despite applying to very many, and even getting some interviews). I don't qualify for any government assistance, and I don't have any additional income. It's been a struggle, to say the least. I have trouble just keeping myself fed, not to mention keeping up with car payments (I live in a rural area, so no car means no job). It's honestly a miracle I've made it this long.

To say that dolls have taken a back seat is something of an understatement. All of my hobbies have been on hold for the latter half of the year, and into 2025, not only due to monetary constraints, but due to mental health issues. The good news is that things have improved a little, and I'm starting to touch my creative projects again. (I feel like I've forgotten everything I ever knew about knitting, but at least I can relearn.)

So! Things will be slow around here (I mean I was never a prolific poster to begin with, I guess) for the time being. In addition, I will be selling a few more things very soon. Please bear with me while I try to get better and fix my life situation. And thank you to everyone who has stuck around. <3