#and i'm extremely aware of how fucked and toxic these thoughts are which makes me feel dumb for having them anyway. blech.
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puppygirlgirldick · 5 months ago
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sorry i've not been posting much lately, the horny remains but right now the psychological issues which smother it are currently winning out over the psychological issues which exacerbate it.
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thestargayzingheroine · 9 months ago
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Why A Better World is my favourite "Evil Superman" Story
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So in the last two decades or so, there's been a notable amount of dark and edgy stories around superheroes turning evil and whatnot and most of them really love to do their own expies of Superman. I've never been the biggest fans of these kinds of stories.
And then there's the actual stories of Superman and other heroes being outright villains or at least just massive assholes. In recent years, this has been largely thanks to the influence of media like the Injustice Games or the Synderverse DC movies. It's... honestly become a trope I am tired of.
Because you know the damnest thing? There is a story that does all these ideas really damn well and arguably better. It is the two-parter from the Justice League cartoon "A Better World".
Now, I am aware how most people favouring the DCAU has become a bit of toxic nostalgia at times and it's something I myself am trying to work through a bit. But in this case, I do think it's the best idea of doing an evil DC story, much better and more interesting than the Crime Syndicate, who if you ask me are not very interesting, though I do remember liking the Crisis On Two Earths movie a lot, which funny enough, was originally going to be this two parter before various things led to it being canned and then later repurposed as a direct to DVD movie.
Anyway, my main crux of why I love this story is simple... The entire Justice League turns evil... and the reasons are very much in-character for all of them. You look at the scene with Justice Lord Batman for example.
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As fucking evil as the Justice Lords are... Batman can't quite fully hate his alternate self for his reason for taking part in all this being basically one-step further than his own mission, that no child should ever go through what he did. Hell, I recall reading that the reason the writers had Batman drop his batarang at the end of this scene... was because he genuinely wouldn't be able to come up with an argument to that.
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Superman likewise kills Lex Luthor because yeah, Luthor literally exploited the flaws in Democracy and became president of the US, threatening to kinda basically start world war 3. It's obviously horrible... but Superman is a character whose main motivation is making the world a better place. And if people who abuse the systems of power of the world are hurting people, why shouldn't Superman put a stop to that?
And yeah, Superman should obviously never kill, he's the most paragon of paragons of the DC universe, a man committed to always being better than the villains he fights... but this is him pushed to his most logical extreme. Hell, the main Superman knows this and its why Lex used his knowledge of this alternate universe as part of his plan in the season after this, to goad our Superman into crossing the line because yeah, there's a part of him that could go this far.
But right as Superman is about to apparently finish him, the big guy says this.
"I'm not the man who killed President Luthor. I wish to heaven that I were but I'm not."
Because Superman like everyone else, obviously would have those same thoughts and same urges. He's human.
I've kinda gone off Injustice a bit because to be honest... the injustice games were kinda just this but a bit too edgelordy. Hell, in A Better World, Lois Lane still lives and the whole genesis of it doesn't revolve around her getting fridged.
So yeah, A Better World is probably one of my favourite mirror universe stories because of the fact that well... it really is like looking in a mirror and seeing just how easy the greatest heroes can become evil and how they wouldn't be massively out of character doing so. But also it reminds us that as much as this darkness can tempt some of our finest, the ones who don't go down this dark path are stronger in heart than anyone else. Because when the world becomes a dark and horrible place, it becomes very easy to be just as dark. But even though it can be hard to still try and be a good person even in dark times, it's ultimately worth it. Because good always triumphs over evil.
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thatoneloonaticsfan · 6 months ago
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This isn't cannon to the LU Opposite Au, just a little idea and an excuse for angst:
Warnings: Homophobic Rev (NOT CANNON TO THE AU!), one-sided love, angst for Tech, implied cannibalism, a lot of murder implied, swearing, extremely toxic, and extremely short and bad along with rushed.
As Rev was making a new invention for Zadavia and the others, a coyote walked ing with a skip in his step. The coyote had just gotten back from the other mission and licked the blood of his lips and sometimes claws, and his tail wagged. He sat down next to the roadrunner, seeming extremely happily.
Rev never understood Tech one bit. He always threatened him by skinning him or cutting him open just to see much how much Tech could take. But the coyote, who was more like a mutt, never got away from him. Instead of fear, Tech always said something along the lines of 'Go on and do it. I might like it~' him to do it in an odd way, making him uncomfortable and just walking away. But as much as he hated his nonsense, he enjoyed the fact that he could correct Tech and not get bashed for it, making himself feel higher than Tech making himself feel good.
Meanwhile, with Tech, he was just like a lovesick puppy. When Rev didn't threaten him the first time they met, he instantly fell for him due to the fact that he also liked the sass and attitude. He himself was going to confess his feelings, which he felt was very expected as he gave Rev things such as a roadrunner's heart and a roadrunner skinned blanket.
"I need a wrench. Can you at least do that for me mutt?" Rev asked as he held out his hand for it, and Tech quickly got up.
"Of course!" Tech said, sounding even happier as his tail continues to wag extremely fast. He quickly ran off, which Rev just rolled his eyes.
But after a while, he finally felt something in his hands that wasn't metal or even wrench shaped. It was bigger and some parts of it were soft while he felt thorns, then paper like texture. He looked over and saw a bokay of flowers. He narrowed his eyes and looked extremely annoyed at Tech.
"This wasn't what I was fucking asking for mutt." If Rev could growl or hiss he would. But Tech continued to look at him happily.
"I'm fully aware!" Tech said, still extremely happy and excited.
"Then why the fuck-"
"Because I like you." Tech said this left Rev confused.
"Like..... like like?... like how a man is supposed to like a woman?..." Rev asked more slow than usual.
"Yeah!" Tech said, getting closer, feeling extremely. "I love you as much as the moon, sun, paper, and all of them combine!" He throws his arms feeling now extremely proud of himself for confessing.
"Ew...." Rev said, sounding extremely disgusted and grossed out....
"And here I thought you wouldn't get anymore disgusting...."
"But here you are being more disgusting than my brother...."
Even with knowing those words we're true to Rev, Tech still hoped that everything he gifted, killed, or anything would change the roadrunner's mind.
And be the loving partner he always wanted with flowers in hand.
~~~~The End~~~~
Again! This isn't cannon! I wanted to make a little angst type of thing for Oppisite Tech because why not! So Rev isn't cannonly homophobic in this au. This was just a one-shot thing. Rev is most likely to be gay in this au cannonly funny enough.
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murky-tannin · 1 year ago
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Oh my God thank you for finally saying it. im gonna be honest, i have begun to hate the fact that politics were even introduced to qsmp at all like. a LOT. It was so just extremely unnecessary and i cannot even understand why they thought it would work on an International Server of all things; politics are such a genuinely serious and touchy part of everybody's day to day life and then combining that with the massive culture clashes in politics of this being an international server is. Bad! Politics do not belong on this silly mc server it just like I just kind of think the whole thing sucks!! I don't think any of the things the political element has introduced to qsmp has been interesting, only mediocre at best and annoying and frustrating at worst.
and it also annoys me, like you said too, about how q!forever is now just introducing all these random things that make no sense and don't need to be on the server and don't serve anything for the story when all the election candidates said that wouldn't happen. I love qsmp but i think this all just sucks. id say id now just wish for a revolution and anarchy arc but. We'll never fucking get that because twitter users and twitch chatters can't behave like normal fucking people. Sigh
The way I see it qsmp already had politics. Good and interesting politics. It had a governing authority with heavy variety in how they would interact with those they governed + the large mystery. It had the Ordo and the developments the organization has gone through in terms of goals, execution of said goals, leadership, and of course it's relationship with the above governing authority.
While the community toxicity is a major strike against it as an idea, I think the elections/post elections as a concept themselves could be interesting If they Actually Remembered Anything They'd Discussed For Months instead of forgetting the minute Forever got elected. Yknow. All that stuff about how it's a supposed distribution of power actually meant to further consolidate the Federation's own? About how they've been perfectly fine as a commune with no figurehead and the governing force + all the laws have been nothing but harmful? YKNOW?????
Having characters mostly aware of these things and engaging with the presidential role through that lens would be unique and interesting. Instead we have "here are laws about furniture and waystones to vote on and also jail for some reason. And no one remembers why this is all stupid as fuck and not the point despite months of heavy discussion and hyper awareness." and it sucks. It just sucks. It's not fun to watch. It's exhaustively boring at best and frustrating at worst.
Also whoever came up with the system shouldn't have combined the meta with the presidential role. That heavily fucks with the roleplay and characters.
I don't even trust the creators to roleplay a revolution because they've forgotten why they don't like the presidential role in the first place. Generally when they talk about it they fall in the same category as ccForever. Just saying and doing tropes with no thought behind it. Which I don't hate the ccs for or anything- I'm pleasantly surprised by their rp in general and I guess it gave me too high expectations of them. It just sucks that it's such a major and central plot.
Anyways my optimism has completely crashed and burned sdfghjk
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notmuchtoconceal · 1 year ago
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"you melt a little when you see my big goofy scary dog teeth smilin back from my big broad furry face, you don't know what to fuckin do."
I love that you perfectly understand one of the most alluring physical attributes about yourself. This sentence right here. You KNOW what you were aiming for, you KNOW what you look like, and you KNOW that you're executing it exactly how you want to execute it. You came here to brainwash, and brainwash you will.
Oh my fucking god, bro. You're 100% correct with that, down to the animalistic connotation. You absolutely make me melt with that. You hit the nail on the head. Aces.
I wanted to add to this by saying there is a unique thing you do with your facial expressions that I've seen in nobody else. I've seen some others come close, but not like you. How to describe it?
So you know how most people, when they make an expression, you can see the thought behind the expression? And if they're trying to deceive you, the thought and the expression don't match up. Well, with you, there's a whole 'nother layer. Best I can describe is that it's the thought behind the thought behind the expression. I think it has something to do with your value of souls. It's not the same thing as when someone's soul shines through. It's more like an expression that only a Licensed Soul Appraiser can make.
It's not judgmental. It's not manipulative. It's not self-reflective. It's not egomaniacal. It's not predatory. It's not empathetic. But it does have elements of all those attributes. It IS, without a doubt, highly metaphysical. I can only use adjectives to describe it, and almost solely in a deductive relationship with it, because it's not seen before, and therefore can't be referenced elsewhere.
My point is: you are extremely attractive. Physical you, not just the wordsmith. And I'm glad to know you're aware of your own hotness and have control over what makes you hot. It's like Museum Bro's perfect skin. You think that motherfucker can't see your soul perfectly with a skin routine like that? You're kidding yourself if you think he can't.
I love how much you love being brainwashed by me.
I love how the more you speak, the more you express the sheer depthless appetite of your lust for me, the sheer investment in my aura, my potential and love of mankind which you see radiating from my work.
I would give you everything, should you only surrender all you are to me. You are now Underaged Jennifer Connoly, not being a bad actress on purpose, but being a good actress playing an amateur actress in a teenage girl's plushie-hump coming of age awakening. I will be Your Goblin King. I will only make you weaker and long more to surrender. You will be lost in my maze, succumb to my traps, stumble facefirst into flat panes of forced perspective and give yourself willingly to my stench.
When the bell tolls, you will belong to me forever.
You remind me of the babe not, for you are her.
You are all I long for, all I worship and deplore.
May our Magic Dance never Draw to a Close.
With you, I am my Best, For you Bring Out My Worst.
My Toxic King.
My Queen I Don't Want.
athleticbrutality ain't shit.
You're one of the worst people I've ever had the displeasure to meet.
I can't get enough of you.
You are so stupid, you are definitely fit to be my number #3.
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chocolate-failure · 11 months ago
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Man, shit would be so much more comfortable if I didn't have to have a strong series of thoughts and emotions about any one given experience 😕 extremely ghetto. So I'll try to be concise but I feel kinda horrible and the more I think about it the more reasons I find to feel bad so maybe I should stop thinking about it but I can't and I hate myself for not being able to let go.
I went to a concert. I had a few friends who came to visit expressly for this event and I hosted it at my parents'. Cool, so the weekend before I did shrooms with my bff and while it was nice I, of course, had a lot of mfkn thoughts about it. A lot of self hatred and negative criticalness... Idk I don't like myself and while that shouldn't come as a surprise I didn't realize the extent to which I obssess over shit that doesn't fucking matter. But hanging out with this friend made me feel like hanging out with my other friends would be a cakewalk promptly forgetting that ✨this✨ friend is both intimately understanding of my personality and also a friend who exercises an astounding amount of reciprocity. These friends aren't quite the same, well one is but the other two ate just varying degrees unhelpful which just stresses me out. I gained 6lbs over this, what, 2½ day stent?
So let me attempt to set the stage for this endeavor because I feel like there is an impossible amount of context to lay out but also this could definitely be understood without it.
I'm into kpop, over the years I've made friends due to our mutual love of kpop. Some of these friends are pretty chill while others are not so much while yet more are a bit too chill. The friends I've invited into my home for this weekend are as follows ((may be subject to change cuz I'm coming up with these names on the fly) as a matter of fact I'm really not in the mood to come up with names and trying to think of them is just holding up the story. I'll just call them 5, 6, and 7.
5 is probably the person I know the most and like the most, which is always a feat because the more I know someone the less I tend to like them. They are very insightful, thoughtful, and kind. You can tell they're an introvert but in many ways have been beaten into submission by life and toxic relationships. 5 is overall a great person but has quite a few neuroses that very much blind them from seeing their inherent worth and how valuable they are to the people who's lives they enrich. Coincidentally they are also legally blind which has hampered them living a fulfilling and independent life not only because of the disability but because of their family being less than supportive and fostering some wicked codependency.
6, I don't know so well but all that I've seen so far I'm not impressed with. She is older than me but seems to have far less of a grip on adulthood than I had as a kid. I think the reason this is is because she is a taker. I don't necessarily think she's lazy but she wants to always do the minimum, cut the most corners but receive the maximum. To me that is the definition of lazy weather you're working or not if you expect to get more than what you put in you're abusing the system in some way. Either you're taking from someone else or you're not giving your fair share which is tantamount to taking from someone else. She's aware that what she's doing is underhanded and taking advantage of a relationship but she rather have what she wants over upholding any semblance of integrity. I have people in my family who are just like her. They're the type of people to get invited to a potluck be asked to bring a dish and they arrive with paper plates or something they bought from dollar tree. They're only happy with a deal if they feel like they're ahead of you in some way and will make any given process a living hell by never shutting up about how put out they're feeling. That being said, I don't like her. I thought initially I disliked her attitude cuz just hearing her voice pissed me tf off but I think it's just her. She just doesn't give much to the relationship I have with her and I'd be better off not knowing her.
7 is new to the group. Well new to the people who have hung out irl. I've hung out with her one time before and enjoyed myself but she wasn't staying at my house. She's definitely an extravert and doesn't so much collect introverts as she attracts them. She has a very inviting and boisterous personality without being too overbearing, pushy, or loud. She's nice to be around for events but I think day to day I'm not a fan. In my home we are very giving and extremely hospitable but we also expect guests to have some fucking decorum. Like we're not going to ask you to clean the toilets or some shit but if someone is making you a meal you should participate in the preparation whether it's reading the recipe or gathering ingredients or helping to clean. After all I'm housing you on my own dime so that you won't have to pay for a hotel. I'm preparing a recipe you found online because I'm a good cook and you'd like for me to do it for you. I bought the ingredients and got all the shit ready and asked for help cooking as I needed to finish up and get in the bath because the stress of this event is causing my autoimmune disease to flare up. I'm not going to just drop everything and not do it cuz I'm not a child but I asked for help and received none. It very much felt like my childhood home was being treated like a resort rather than idk my fucking house. It's kinda shitty to act like you're on vacation at someone's house when that person is also trying to a nice time but can't because you've decided you're fun is more important than their physical health. Like could you not still have fun and also have helped so that I could treat my fucking disease??? She and 6 talked, watched vids, and otherwise made themselves unavailable until it was time to eat. 6 would later say she felt like she'd get in the way. That is one thing about 7 that it better than 6, she at least knows how to hold a conversation without complaining in every other sentence so she's a good deal more palatable even though the outcome was the same.
That's one thing I definitely inherited from my parents that's a bit of a double edged sword, being kind and generous is all well and good until you run into people who are either looking to take advantage of you or don't understand that they are, 6 being the former and 7 the later.
Safe to say with just those circumstances in place this weekend was going to be a drain. Nevermind the concert we attended and litany of emotional baggage and mental traumas tied up in the experience of self expression, self disclosure and fandom. This was overall an uncomfortable and exhausting experience.
If you've been here for any period of time you'll know that I'm rather feminine looking both in physical features and presentation. While I feel like my literary voice isn't necessarily all that feminine I hold no delusions that I don't look like an afab person though I suppose that's not entirely true because a non-negligible number of people have assumed I'm a transwoman. And while I'm not always thrilled with the fact it certainly is not lost to me that to many I am rather okay to look at. Maybe not pretty in the conventional sense but Tumblr has never been a place to be conventional and even still I do possess many of the features commonly thought of as pretty. I don't say this to be concieted or self important but to outline an experience that is common for me and known to those who find themselves reading this. I am not unattractive but something that may be lost to those who frequent this blog is how tall I actually am. I am tall for an afab person and almost short for an amab person, probably p close to the average international height for males. I'm 5'8 (173cm) and that's never been a big deal to me, like at all. I've always kind of enjoyed my height and would actually lament wanting to be taller. I would've been happy to be 5'10 but this day was the first in a very long time where I wished only to be small.
In kpop the average listed height is probably 5'10 though that is most certainly a lie. I've always been a rather saunch supporter of shorter men, I think a part of me felt us to be kindred spirits, growing up as a tall girl I thought that short men were both genuinely attractive in a way I find hard to articulate but also just generally strong to exist in a world where their worth is heavily weighted on an attribute they have 0 control over.
Honestly I've always loved short men and tall women for their fortitude but their also just fucking beautiful. I never really considered myself a man or a woman more like some kind of weird gremlin creature pretending to be a person and perhaps I had grown too comfortable in thinking I was a passable human being because holy hell did I let the gremlin come out. And maybe it's just a product of neurodivergence but the way I acted caused me so much distress I'd rather avoid having it happen again than try immersing myself in the experience again. I'm trying not to be dramatic but I feel so goddamn horrible about myself atm this isn't an exaggeration. Did I have a bad time? No. Did I have a good one? Also no. I've always enjoyed music but I think I may hate myself more than I love music and that is a sobering realization to come to.
It started with the fansign. I didn't know there was going to be one until it started and I was sharing air with these beautiful strangers that I know so much and absolutely nothing about. It's a spiralling dichotomy that I don't have a hard time reconciling myself with until I'm in the same room with these people. And I can't be a fan, there's no room for it in between racked breaths and racing thoughts. I'm just a fucking gobo trying so desperately not to give away the fact that I am in fact subhuman scum perpetuating an elaborate fraud, for what? To feel what it feels to be a girl? To enjoy the spoils of fandom? To meet my heroes? I don't even know these people and I'm expected to know what to say to them? And they're expected to tell me I'm pretty and then what? What's that suppose to do? Make me feel like I matter? To them?? What's the fucking point of any of this? And I'm surrounded by these excited screeching girls who are over the moon that he looks at her, of all people, held her hand, said she was so beautiful. What tf is this??? Is this what people do? Is this what joy looks like? I don't think joy comes in a form I'm equipped to consume and if that's what it looks like I don't want it.
I was just felt ridiculous, all dolled up in the corset I spent the better part of a month working to fit into because of course I need to lose weight and it's been the only thing I can think about for the past 10 months (10 years if I'm being honest) but apparently this was enough to strengthen my resolve. Idk, It just rings hollow to me. But maybe it's because I'm hollow. I'd like to think of myself as the thoughtful one out of my friends but maybe I'm just the cynical one. All these insights and disclosures seem to be at the expense of my own joy and I can't seem to wrap my head around what exactly is the point of all of this if it makes me feel even more horrible.
And not so much horrible as I feel utterly alien. As beautiful as I'm told I am the eyes and mind I was born with weren't designed to consume reality. I wish I could be a delulu stan. I wish I was afforded the grace of being so in love with myself that I think the world is too. That I could ever think I was anything but a lumbering oafish loser standing next to this dude I thought was unspeakably attractive or an overstimulated oddball for running through the hitouch line because I'm literally freaking tf out and want it to be over as soon as possible. I can't help but look at the snapshots from the concert and cringe. It's like looking at a tryptophobia trigger, I can't stop despite the immense discomfort it elicits. A form of self flagelltion for disobeying the dogma of an institution I was never meant to be a part of. And the kicker is I don't even want to fucking be here. I'm just visiting womanhood, casually consuming it so that maybe this shit will mean something to me. I mean look at me. There is nothing endearing or cute or attractive about the way I look. I'm just this weird kid trying not to be weird and failing in front of people I hold in high esteem. I'm much too big, much too intense, much too me to be a person to whom this experience truly belongs, to be someone who even remotely belongs here. This literally had me remeasuring my own height because I couldn't have possibly grown from last time, had I really gaslit myself into believing these men towered over me? I can't suspend my disbelief enough to feel like this is anything but thinly veiled transaction nor can I immerse myself enough to overcome my inability to read others' expressions to intuit how they feel about me. I've never been one for reading between the lines so an experience like this is hand crafted to be both overwhelming and underwhelming I'm ways that are hilariously disorienting and depressing.
I feel ridiculous for thinking that I was normal. For wanting to be normal and wating to enjoy a, while certainly not common, still rather unremarkable interaction. I think I wanted to be laughed at because at least that's an expression I understand, regardless of how someone feels about you making them laugh seems to overcome some level of decorum, it's the sliver of raw humanity that breaks through our built affects, the masks we wear to pretend we're civilized. I'm afraid that with as many masks and proxies that I've so painstakingly designed that the mask is only as convincing as its wearer and the fact that I've never been human means my masks aren't either.
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dumpdaily · 2 years ago
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TW: check the tags, but also there's talking in the tags too so heads up. TLDR: Someone who I knew since high school died (I'm 30). She was someone who had always treated me badly and spread lies (serious shit) about me. My best friend was dating her for a while and then she died. I'm mad because with her dead there's no meaningful way to have her face the consequences of her continuous lying.
I dont think anything can capture the terror of being hyper aware that no matter what you say or do there will always be a way for someone to out-wit, overpower, or take advantage of you. Knowing that no matter how much you work out, how nice you try to be or how hard you work if someone wants to kill you or torture you or do anything to you, they can. The fact that there is power in numbers and all the numbers are stacked against me. My country is too small and I am too isolated. The bullshit that was spread about me has only grown and got more severe. I am painted a monster to protect the monsters. I am unliked and my reputation precedes me. The fact that someone who falsely accused me of some serious shit is now dead only makes things worse. At the end of the day everyone hears about the headlines and never about the article. The truth will be overshadowed by the things people want to hear so they can continue to justify their shitty behaviour towards me. I am safe nowhere. Her death is a curse for me but it feels a bit like karma too.
There is nothing I can do to clear my name now she is dead.
I fucking hate that my friend loved her but I was happy for his happiness. And his happiness is in shreds now which fucking sucks.
I was fucking pissed when she died because I saw it coming in a god damn vision but I thought it was paranoia so I didn't say anything really. Though I did mention it in passing half jokingly. The shock of it being pretty accurate and the guilt of not saying anything really fucked me up that day.
Fuck nuance, it would be so much easier to just hate. To continue the cycle of dehumanizing bullshit. To contribute to the division of people. It would be so much easier to be a shitty friend.
I want to be selfish and say fuck that bitch I'm glad she's dead. Let out all the anger that she will never be able to feel because she is dead. To very rightly point to the many flaws she had and the very extremely wrong things she threw around falsely.
The amount of times I have heard "everyone makes mistakes" or "everyone is flawed" but you know what? fuck that. When my biggest flaw is having "unrealistic expectations" and being "toxic" because people want to live consequence free lives despite repeatedly ignoring my very direct warnings not to cross my boundaries then sure. I like to address things very directly instead of just swallowing the bullshit so it can continue it's cycle.
I will not forgive the dead or forget their misdeeds. I am cursed with the consequences of other peoples actions for the rest of my life. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I didn't dislike someone who treated me like shit from as far back as high school. But I want to be a good friend.
Here I am venting everything I feel in a long text post I doubt anyone will read. I want to be liked. I want to be a good person. Sometimes that means saying things like "I'm glad that you have positive memories with her" or something more specific. I do not deny how I feel but that doesn't mean I have to be a dick about it.
You are not a bad person for having complex feelings. You are not a bad person for having conflicting feelings. You are not a bad person for being confused about how you feel. You are not a bad person for not wanting to think about how you feel.
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mangodestroyer · 1 year ago
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I'm so sorry to hear that about your friend! These relationships can be so damaging. And they're surprisingly common, I've come to find. I've been looking at other people's stories on forums and whatnot, and it's jarring to see how awful some people can be.
Sometimes, I feel like I lucked out a little with my ex, when it comes to toxic relationships anyway. Some people's exes are so much worse, and I don't think I would have survived such abuse if my relationship affected me like it has. I may have had intimacy withheld, which really sucks and destroys your confidence when you partner makes it seem like they want those things, but not with you. But some people have the opposite problem, which is so much worse imo. Some people are experiencing SA on the regular and it's depressing af to read about it. Some people are being put in insanely dangerous situations for the sake of torment or being physically abused. It's like some people just exist to cause suffering.
Some people also can't catch a break after they leave the relationship. So far, my ex hasn't even tried to contact me since breaking up with her eight months ago. Some people's abusive exes try to trick them into dating them again, or stalk them, or smear them and isolate their friends and family from them. Apparently, this is called hoovering and it sounds like a fucking nightmare in some cases. Sometimes, it's just some annoying word salad apologies and, "Hey, can we get back together?" Sometimes, it's legal battles to consume so much time and money. Sometimes, it's straight up stalking. And that stalking can lead to someone getting seriously hurt. I seriously hope people are right and my ex does not even care enough about me anymore to do that. Probably never cared that much about me in the first place, as that is what she accused everyone, literally EVERYONE of doing to her. Her friends? Her previous exes? Her family? Me? We all never cared about her, just used her, etc. And everyone just leaves her. Yes, she has been very traumatized growing up. After meeting her family and knowing what dysfunction they had going on, my guess is that they were extremely cold to her and so she learned that people are cold and uncaring. And so thinks everyone is like that and chooses to behave that way herself. Even though I hate her now, I can't help but feel sad thinking about that.
I've been practicing autonomy, via a trauma therapist's suggestions. I've been watching a psychologist who studies toxic relationships and her advice has been a great help! She not only helped me sort out my current relationship, but also some "ancient wounds", as she calls them (childhood trauma that may make someone susceptible). My family was verbally abusive. I had to put up with a hell brother and not get listened to about it. My mom used to be very mean with me (but she isn't anymore). I got bullied a lot in school. I am also neurodivergent. I have social communication disorder and might also be autistic. So I was taught that my neurodiversity is rude and unpleasant and deserving of mockery and needed to go away. It's well known at this point that behavioral therapies from my day, and days previous, teach children to have weak boundaries and put other people's needs before their own. Probably doesn't help that people with social difficulties were once thought to have no empathy, and the myth still persists. Most of us do, in fact, have empathy. Unless we have some other condition that makes us not have empathy. What we actually lack is cognitive empathy. We struggle to read others, and sometimes, we may not fully understand if something we do is hurtful, nor can we always predict that such will be the outcome. But we feel bad when we are made aware that we did cause harm. Your childhood can really tell a lot about your current behavioral patterns. I realize now that I tend to doubt myself, assume I'm far worse than I actually am, and maybe was a little too quick to give my emotional energy to people who claimed to be misunderstood and lonely, when, as it turns out, some people cause their own problems in life. Which always seemed cold to me when people said that. But... it's true.
Like I've said, I've been studying the signs quite a bit. What patterns to look out for. Ofc, no one is perfect. People act out sometimes. They do things that are hurtful without meaning to. You just need to get a feel for what genuine remorse is, as well as intent. My ex was cold and didn't seem all that bothered if I was upset with something. She straight up told me to knock it off when I said part of my body felt numb while we were in the crowded streets of Boston and that I needed to sit down somewhere with less people (I felt like I was going to start crying, I later found out that these were symptoms of a panic attack). She VERY reluctantly did so but then later acted like the trip was a disaster because of it. And before that she was telling me to stop saying my left side feels tingly because she asked if I was allergic to the food we ate and I'd said no. I feel like... literally anyone else in my life (except my brother) would have been very concerned. Jfc, my parents would have been getting me medical attention if they heard I was going numb! Even if I wasn't allergic. My childhood friend likely would have realized it was anxiety and gotten me out of that situation. But for ex? Ig it was me making shit up.
And I felt guilty for letting myself get so anxious like that. My ex still wanted to visit crowded places afterwards and I tried and tried and tried to find a compromise for that. Looking back, it almost feels like she wanted to do things she knew I wouldn't enjoy.
Another one is if you get into an argument with someone and they just seem so obsessed with "winning." Good lord, both my ex roommate and my brother are obsessed with causing fights. And they feel so satisfied when they say things to put you down/make you feel stupid/get you riled up. They both have that "smirk." My brother loved seeing my cry. My roommate really wanted to believe I was suicidal and sometimes laughed when things weren't going well for me (while pretending to be such a sweet person in front of others). Told me I'd be doing myself and others a favor if I died, but always in roundabout ways. I will say, at least my ex wasn't sadistic. My roommate and brother are definitely sadists, and abuser's with sadistic tendencies are just pure evil. They were easier for me to figure out, but it was hell dealing with them. Normal, healthy individuals argue when they're dissatisfied, but want to find a solution/closure and communicate their feelings. They don't want to see someone else suffer for their own entertainment. I've been getting better at detecting ill faith arguments and discussions. Learning not to personalize it and grey rocking are the best tips for this kind of behavior. For now, it seems like I've found a way to shut my brother down. The way he acts around me now feels so different. All of a sudden, he acts a lot more respectful and whatnot. Probably figured out that I finally learned his game and don't tolerate his shit. Probably also helps that I've sharpened my social skills quite a bit and gained "status." He's not a threat to me anymore and I so wish I learned the power of the grey rock sooner.
Again, I'm sorry for going on and on about it. Like I said, figuring this shit out has been life changing. I'm pretty much hyperfixated on it at this point (for once, a hyperfixation that is actually very useful). It's changing the way people interact with me and everything. I'm having a lot more positive interactions. People are starting to invite me places. People actually want to talk to me now. I'm less likely to get shit from people overall (still happens tho). I notice a lot more people smiling at me. Maybe it's because on top of learning toxic behaviors, I looked inwards and changed some of my own bad/detrimental behavioral patterns. Oh, yes. I have my bad days. But I still changed. I'm just not used to all of this. It feels like I entered a different life or something.
My girlfriend made me watch Our Flag Means Death so now I’m making her watch Good Omens
tag yourself who is the good omens gf and who is the our flag means death gf
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maskedninja · 3 years ago
Text
soulmate who wasn’t meant to be– levi x gn!reader
Last chapter
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— cw: angst, toxic relationships, swearing, self-esteem issues.
(Unedited)
— song: Brutal
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01. Stage one: Denial
"broken ego, broken heart"
y|n woke up to the sound of birds chirping and radiating sunshine. The window was open and the morning breeze brushed their face delicately as their eyes adjust to the light. In other circumstances, this moment might have been deemed a perfect morning but to y|n it was simply the universe's way of mocking them as the memories from the night start creeping in.
“It’s best if we end it,” he had said.
So easily and nonchalant. Like it didn’t hurt him, as if it was truly for the best.
The broken-hearted lover could not grasp how he could possibly think that. All-nighters, the reassuring hand-squeezes, the discrete kisses in the middle of the day, they surely had to have meant something. To y\n those were unmistakable signs of love but were they wrong to think they meant the same to him. Levi had never told them he loved them. It may be that their first mistake was to assume he did.
Y|n never exerted any expectations of verbal affection on him because they believed him when he said he was just not the sentimental type. But maybe things were much more simple than that — he couldn't say it because he didn't mean it and Levi could be many things but a liar was not one of them. His sincerity was almost obnoxious to y|n and if he had said it was for the best then he was probably convinced that it was. “What does that asshole even know about what’s best for me?” They said to themselves trying hard to ignore the faint voice in the back of their mind that want to burst into his office and scream "It's you, Levi, YOU ARE RIGHT FOR ME."
After a few minutes of contemplation, a slight headache started to creep in. It must have been from all the crying that accompanied the night before, leaving y|n dehydrated and alone. Nightmares had tormented them the whole night. Nightmares of being lost, alone, and being devoured by the Titans over and over again. No one to save them.
Not anymore.
y|n had to admit that having Levi on their side had filled them with an unconscious sense of security, that had now become apparent because it was no longer there. To have humanity's strongest soldier look after you is more than anyone could ever ask for and y|n started to realize they had taken that fact for granted.
Would he still care? Or would he deem the effort useless as he has had to do with many of their comrades?
In comparison to Levi, y|n deemed themselves a lousy soldier. They couldn’t help but think that at this rate, it was probable that they would die before they got to rise up to the next rank. Most people did, so why would they be the exception? And well if they really thought about it, it had been extremely telling that Levi picked Eld, Petra, and even Oluo over them to be part of the special operation’s squat. Eld and Y|n had started serving at the survey corps at the same time and had similar stats. Whatever the reason was for Levi choosing Eld over her haunts y|n's mind constantly, especially in moments like this where Levi's feelings for them were questionable. Which, not surprisingly, happened quite often.
A loud knock disrupted y|n instructive thoughts, making them aware of the way that it seemed to be brighter than usual and how they can hear voices on the distan..ce.
Oh..
The person at the other side of the door knocked once again, their voice accompanied by a hint of worry. “Y|n! Y|n! are you’re here? You’re usually the first one up, are you okay? Mike is looking for you everywhere! Y|n!!”
“What do you mean, Hange? What time is it?” They shouted.
"Way past 10! get up!"
"Fuck, I'm coming!" Y|n said as they frantically put on their uniform, dishevel and messy in a way that Levi would hate. Their perfectly crafted persona, quickly crumbled in front of everyone the moment Levi left them. How pathetic.
Things couldn't get worst, they thought. But of course, they could and they always do.
Y|n got a "well-deserve" reprimand from her Capitan, Mike, who although very strong and overall very capable relies on y|n's organization and administrative skills way too much. On top of that, Erwin himself had caught them trying to sneak out of the dormitories past breakfast, and worst of all, Levi was with him. Erwin gave y\n a long sermon about how soldiers of their caliber should never be late and how he was disappointed in them or something like that … y|n could only notice how Levi could not even spare them a glance. Did he truly hate them that badly?
Once Erwin finally decided it had been enough pestering for the day, he took off, leaving the former lovers all on their own.
“Are we, um are we good?” His voice was full of doubts and embarrassment, it made y|n flinch for a second. If they didn't know him better, they might have thought there was something seriously wrong with the Capitan. But his vulnerability often came out when they were alone and she had seen the parts of him that he tried so hard to keep from everyone else, one of them being shame which he only ever shown in extremely rare and unfortunate occasions.
“Of course, why wouldn’t we be? Just because we broke up doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, right?”
Y|n face could have fooled anyone, but not Levi. Their smiles was forced, their shoulders seemed tense, and their crossed arms mirrored the metaphorical wall between them.
“Right ... y|n, I realize that just leaving after saying that was.. um, immature of me. Pass by my office at 4, we can talk about it”
“Oh, I mean it seemed that you said all that you had to say but sure, Levi. Thanks”
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A million possibilities of the pending conversation plagued y|n's mind the whole day. What else did he have to say? There were hundreds of ways this conversation could go and only about five outcomes were in y|n's favor. Would he have them removed from the survey crops in an attempt to avoid them? Maybe he would report their relationship to Erwin, knowing full well y|n would get the short end of the stick. Yet, maybe … just maybe ..there is a possibility that things would be fine. Perhaps they would laugh a little bit, the tension will be broken and he … apologizes, blames it all on anger and fear. Embraces them tightly, as he tends to do after long excursions and particularly hard missions and in that moment, they both will know that everything was going to be okay.
Levi wanting to actually “talk” was very strange but perhaps a good sign for their relationship. They can only hope he realized their relationship is worth fighting for, even if it puts them both in an uncomfortable position at first.
That has to be It, y|n thought. Levi and y|n always understood each other, their quality time together never seemed like a chore, and their casual conversations flowed endlessly. Surely, their breakup was a momentary thing.
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Among all training and thinking, four finally came to be.
y|n prepared their usual, two cups of black tea directly imported from Wall Sina. No sugar and freshly made. As if it was any other day, y|n made their way to Levi's office.
A scene they had now become accustomed to displayed before them. Petra came out of Levi's office wide-eyed and blushed. Y|n tried to repress their jealousy, clinging to the last bit of hope they had for their relationship. His voice echoed in their head, repeating the phrase he has said so many times before, "She's my subordinate y/n. We're just ... friends."
Just friends.
Ironically enough, Captain Levi was not one to be known for having very many friends.
Y/n watches with sad eyes but even in their broken-hearted state they still hope all of this is an unfortunate misunderstanding. They must be really good friends, they thought to themself as they watched from a distance.
y/n clear their throat to make their presence known by the comrades. Petra quickly changes her stance distancing herself from Levi but unable to hide her fluster demeanor.
“I can come back later if this is a bad time”
“No, I was just leaving! Nice to see you, y|n.” She waved energetically towards them and turned to Levi giving the signature salute “Capitan.”
Y|n watched her walk away. Her perfectly straight hair bounced with every step. Her uniform was impeccable and her stance showed leadership and self-confidence. Petra Rall: incredibly agile, has close to perfect control of ODM great, a team player, and most importantly, a kind person. How could anyone hate her? And yet, here they were secretly harboring resentment of the lowest form — resentment over a man. “I suppose I never claimed to be a good person” y|n thinks.
“Are you coming inside?” Levi said disrupting y|n from her thoughts, which made them flush in embarrassment. Had they been staring at Petra for too long?
“Right, sorry” y\n walked in into the office cautiously. For a moment, feeling like everything around them was made out of the most fragile glass and that any of their brute movements, for more delicate than they pretend to be, would make the whole thing burst into a million tiny pieces, making the whole thing irreparably damaged.
After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Levi was the first to speak.
“So?”
y|n did not understand how such innocuous words could ignite such terrible anger inside of them. “So?” was that the best he could come up with after causing irrevocable damage to their heart? Their face remained cold and expressionless, but their knuckles were turning a bright shade of red.
“Oh, well, I don’t know. You asked me to come here, remember?” Their soft-spoken voice masked every feeling of exasperation they may have been feeling but even the blind could tell this facade was a ticking time bomb.
“You don’t want to talk about it?” His voice was as cool and calm as ever. He even had the audacity to sound genuinely confused. Inside, his insides were twisting. To see you be hurt because of him did affect him but a decision had been taken and he did not feel as he owed an explanation for following a gut feeling. A feeling that often saved his life and one that he was not about to start ignoring now. He noticed the tightness of the first y|n’s holding in their lap and almost as an instinct reaction, he put his hand over theirs in a reassuring manner, not measuring the implication behind the action.
y|n looked at their hands and then back to his eyes and they could have sworn somewhere in there, they saw the love and care Levi had for them. To them, it had been undeniable and suddenly all the anger decimated.
There is hope.
“I do, it’s why I’m here.” Y|n brought their hands closer to their heart and close the distance between their faces, “Listen, Levi, I know it's hard for you to talk about your feelings and that’s okay. I just want you to know, I’m willing to make this work.”
“Wait, what? Y|n, no, that's not ...”
“Well, you asked me to come here to talk this thought, right? Well, here I am. Tell me where I went wrong, I will fix it. I will fix us.” He closed his eyes in regret, just know noticing how his action could be misconstrued. It was difficult to suddenly start acting a certain way with a person that just yesterday was still your partner. Levi now understood this. He quickly let go of their hand in a movement that was rather harsh. He tried to do the right thing, he thought. He tried to talk it out, make things right hoping their friendship will continue only for y|n to make it all about themself and their feelings, at least in his perception.
“Wait.. no. Why are you trying to make this all about yourself y|n?”
For a moment, y|n did not know how to react. They felt sadness, anger, and immense embarrassment. All together and all at once. They had never been so overwhelmed by so many negative emotions in such a short amount of time. “Not for one second did you stop to consider maybe, just maybe, this is what I wanted.”
The implication of that sentence left y|n’s mouth dry and unrelentlessly upset. Unable to utter a single word, y\n resorted to actions — smashing Levi’s teacup to the ground and walking away at once, ignoring Levi’s swears and demanding shouts.
All y\n had ever done was try their best — to be the strongest, the smartest, the kindness. The best soldier, the best lover, the best person. For Levi, for their friends, for the Survey Corps, God, even for Humanity — a bunch of ungrateful strangers that hated them and couldn’t care less about the countless sacrifices being made.
“Is this the kind of thanks I get?” y|n said to no one in particular. Almost was able to visualize the Universe laughing at them, once again.
God, it’s brutal out here.
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almightyrozenidiot · 2 years ago
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Oooh I'm curious to hear your take on Takuto and Azathoth for the relationship ask game ^^
KLDSGBSJLDGfhdjsfdbg (that's the sound of Azathoth doing something with his tentacles to wiggle my brain)
describe their canon relationship/dynamic
The best way I'd describe it tbh is similar to Kandori and Nyarlathotep from the earlier Persona games where the Persona has a slight personality independent of the Persona user but is still aligned with their goals. Azathoth feeds into Maruki's worst parts and gives him a euphoric bliss that makes him lose sight of his kind of tenuous ethics and what exactly he was trying to accomplish with his research to begin with.
your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?
Admittedly their relationship fucking terrifies me so my brain copes by imagining really dumb shit with them that's akin to a (sometimes dark comedy) sitcom. Things that I will explain below.
what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?
Despite being scared shitless I actually like the horror of not knowing where their individual thoughts end and begin.
...come to think of it, it reminds me of a more benelovent version of The Hiss from Control but instead of The Hiss mindlessly propagating itself and people lose themselves from being assimilated into a hive mind collective, they both want to spread happiness with the very likely unintended side effect of being utilitarian about it. The fact that it has happiness and benevolence in mind is what adds to the horror of it.
what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?
I think Azathoth is still trying to save Maruki in their own way, it's just they're an eldritch entity that doesn't fully understand humanity and has powers that can only really result in bad things happening. Which is parallel to Maruki's forays into cognitive psience but he still has his humanity and the conscience - no matter how deep down it's buried - to realise what he's doing is wrong.
Honestly I have no clue what's going on in Maruki's head because, again, kind of hard to tell where their thoughts begin and end. I think he is aware to some capacity (especially after getting punched in the face and willingly letting himself fall to his doom) that this is an extremely toxic relationship, but he's addicted to the happiness Azathoth can bring and can't resist (also hence the whole "stop resisting" stuff he eventually starts spouting). Even before he put his ideal reality into action, he saw Azathoth as an extension of himself as a normal Persona user would, but until he lost it he wasn't aware that Azathoth was a part of the process of his powers.
Also on a side note: Does that mean that he used his powers on Joker to boost the effects of the benefits we get from his confidant? Answers on a postcard please.
favorite interaction they have in canon
The flashback scene where Mementos fuses with reality and Azathoth appears in that random guy's office, pushing Maruki far past his limits after everything that's happened to him. I would probably just accept the madness too if that happened to me tbh.
favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in
Ok sitcom time! I just like the idea that in front of the Phantom Thieves, Maruki acts like he has his shit together but when no one's looking he is still clumsy as heck and Azathoth is either an extra set of limbs, helping him hide or just picking him up off the floor at any given moment.
One of these days I want to draw Azzy lending a tentacle to hook Maruki up by the collar of his coat like a mother cat lifting a kitten off the ground after he's tripped over. (Though if anyone wants to draw it themselves please feel free to)
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mariaiscrafting · 3 years ago
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ahhhh ty ty ty <3
ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.
he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:
• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.
let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo
my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.
• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)
(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2
pt. 2:
Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2
Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):
Speed of Dream's rise to fame
The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase
Post-MCC HBomb stream
Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans
Manipulation & RSD
Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand
The “just a dude” argument, flipped
First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.
Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.
Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.
Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues.  My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.
Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way.  Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.
Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand.  Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.
I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.
Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.
Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.
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norcani · 3 years ago
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for end-of-year book ask: 3, 5, 12, 16, 17, 25!
3. What were your top five books of the year?
The Terrible Girls by Rebecca Brown
Why Fish Don't Exist by Lulu Miller
The Ghost Network by Catie Disabato
We Play Ourselves by Jen Silverman
Clear and Muddy Loss of Love by PDL
The terrible girls is a short story collection about toxic lesbian relationships and breakups it's extremely abstract and sometimes hard to tell what it even exactly is about but that's what I liked about it. This book is probably for smarter people than I honestly.
Why Fish Don't Exist is the only nonfiction on this list, it's..part memoir of the author and part biography of a historical figure and part science history. The author starts getting obsessed with this taxidermist whose whole collection is destroyed and how he didn't give up after that and rebuilt it because her own life is a mess and she finds some sort of solace in the guy. But in the process of that she also learns he was kind of an asshole.
The Ghost Network by Catie Disabato. this is a book about, city planning, and trains, and also pop music. None of which are particularly interesting to me at least before reading the book... I promptly lost interest shortly after reading the book too but it's commendable to make me interested for even such a short while. Actually it did change how I think about pop music quite a bit. It's written an a faux-non fiction style with the author trying to solve the mystery of a missing pop star and a few other weird thigns surrounding her .
We Play Ourselves by Jen Silverman
This is messy 20-something white woman with unfulfilling life literary fiction except the 20 something is 30 something and bisexual. I don't usually love these sort of books but this one stuck more of a chord with me. Roughly the plot is about the aforementioned 30-something moving in with her old best friend because her life is falling apart and she gets roped into helping film a documentary about a female fight club. This doesn't really encompass what it's about but putting into words what it's about feels like it almost cheapens it for me personally I got a lot of the book but I don't want to think about it in words..
Clear and Muddy Loss of Love
this..kinda belongs on this list and kinda doesn't. This is a huge fucking book about lesbian court politics. When it's good it's really good, and I could give it a much better sales pitch but after reading so many pages of it I'm just tired of it. I know I loved this but also I sort of don't want to see this book for a while lmao.
honorable mention goes to webcomic BUUZA it didn't really fit in with the rest but it's really good.
Writing these down ALL of these are gay in some form even if I didn't mention it.
5. What genre did you read the most of?
Hard to tell...I don't think any genre particularly stands out to me beyond like 50% of what I read being gay? That's not a genre though.
12.Any books that disappointed you?
I dropped 85 books this year but from ones I completed
Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke - great concet but execution is just trash.
The Final Reconciliation - again interesting concept ruined by the author being afraid of women
The Hollow Places - almost the same as the authors previous book but inferior. Got a review with this one when I was more mad about it.
Court of Lions - this is a sequel of a book that was kinda fine but this one wasted all its potential. I got a review for it also
16 . What is the most over-hyped book you read this year?
Conversations with Friends probably. It's the one that stands out to me as especially popular. I didn't dislike it but it's very 20 something white woman has self aware bad sex with her not boyfriend thought provoking #womenslit. it's like...fine... I attempted to read other books like this before because this is the state of womens fiction and among them this is one of the better ones. It's very similiar in some ways to We Play Ourselves, both are themed around art and messy relationships but clearly I loved one more than the other. Anyway it's compulsively readable the way reality tv is, but I didn't get anything out of it beyond "huh, I'm glad I'm not these people".
17. Did any books surprise you with how good they were?
Terrible Girls did because I didn't even know what it was about and I was about to delete it off my to be read shelf before going I might as well give it a chance. Same with the Ghost Network. Other than that I generally go into books hoping for the best anyway so I'm more often disappointed than surprised. 25. What reading goals do you have for next year?
I generally just set specific books to try (either read or set aside bc I have no interest). I also would like to read the books I bought this year which are just 3 or 4. I'll probably set the goodreads goal to something random I am not too concerned with that.
Thanks for the questions hope u enjoy this overly long answer
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2ndblogg · 4 years ago
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Hey! Just read your hot take on novel!wangxian and I absolutely agree. I'm gonna have to say here that I believe it boils down to the fetishization of homosexual men in a lot of the fandom culture that surrounds mlm shipping, as you said it's a space for a lot of women to experiment with their desires and whatnot, but I think therein lies the breaking points between reading novel!wangxian as a good, healthy relationship vs. reading it as a very flawed and toxic one. As an LGBT person, reading the way the author dealt with their relationship made me extremely uncomfortable, it just really feels like something that is written by someone who is more invested in using her queer characters for satisfying her and her reader's own pleasure than a well-built, strong relationship between two characters. Not to take away from the novel in some other aspects, I believe that novel!wwx is a much better, much more nuanced character than what he is in cql, but when it comes to wangxian, I think the intentions are very different for each of them. To each their own, I guess, but I do find it very troubling that some people in the fandom have a really hard time admitting that novel wangxian is not even remotely healthy.
Absolutely.
And can I just say how glad it makes me to see that not everyone is praising this book for it’s lgbt representation...
But I guess that’s also why I just occasionally feel the need to scream my frustrations into the void or try to make sense of the novel.
And why I try to be understanding and accepting of people’s opinion of the novel and not take it ‘personally’ (in the sense of sitting there thinking “holy shit this is how they view ME, this is what they think of ME” etc).
I was in fandoms back when they were really a place dominated by straight (homophobic) women and realism or lgbt representation wasn’t on anyone’s mind (and the occasional dude butting in to say that’s not how sex works or bottoming is experienced was ignored or told to get out). I experienced this change to fandoms being more of a lgbt space, of people becoming aware that media can shape your views of groups of people, of people becoming aware of their fetishizing of fictional gays vs. their prejudice against real life lgbt people etc.
And tbh MXTX just writes like one of those, she writes wangxian like everyone wrote their gay relationships around 2005 and earlier; clear power imbalance, clear roles and attributes that are divided into ‘manly’ and ‘feminine’, certain physical attributes (like the female self insert character aka the bottom being pretty and slight and weaker and shorter), men/the penetrating partner can’t really be raped so anything the woman/bottom tries isn’t really ‘bad’, the male love interest is forceful and self centered but ONLY because he’s so in love and since he’s emotionally stunted he has to express that through sex, men/tops NEED sex and it’s rude/mean to deny them that, the girl/bottom isn’t THAT horny or in charge of their own sexuality but wants to please their partner and what they really get out of it is the emotional aspect, decisions need to be made for them because the dude/top just knows better, the girl/bottom is childish and flirty and the guy/top suffers through it until he finally snaps and shows the girl/bottom who'sboss etc etc. (honestly homophobia and misogyny is so tightly knit in this kind of fiction, if it wasn’t so frustrating it would be very interesting).
Tbh I disagree with novel!wwx being more nuanced (despite a lot of ppl whose opinions I really respect also feeling this way), because I simply cannot seperate him from the wangxian relationship. All I see are tropes and stereotypes applied to make him ‘work’ in the context of the wangxian relationship instead of an actual personality...
To me, in CQL WWX is clearly the main character and you love his interactions with LWJ and want more of them and value them, wheras in the novel most of the time WWX plays second fiddle even when a scene should technically be about him and LWJ’s presence is incredibly suffocating, because he’s always being controlling or at the very least influencing WWX.
I also don’t feel like WWX has much of a character arc/growth. We’re essentially told he had one but the only thing that really actually changes is him hating himself a bit more and letting LWJ smash..., and I guess: he’s less independent than ever, he’s more isolated that ever...
I’ve called novel!wangxian a relationship between an abuser and his victim, because you can find evidence of that in the text. Not because I think the author wanted to portray an unhealthy gay relationship. Like you said, she was fetishizing and wrote for a similar crowd. But to me that ‘realization’ helped...I still don’t see how people can call it a masterpiece but I can at least understand hyping something you like up...
And like, badly written gay relationship or not; gay/straight,man/women, I see how people can find it hot. Exploring your sexuality through fictional characters isn’t necessarily a strictly straight girl phenomena. I probably have read fic that was exactly like this, I can’t judge anyone for it. But no one prints out the last PWP they read and goes, “this is ideal lgbt representation and nothing will ever be this good, the fact that it includes rape makes it so realistic” like????
(Is that part or an effect of the woke and purety culture? you can’t say ‘i like this book but it has flaws’ or ‘i’ve enjoyed this but it’s not up the feminism or lgbt acceptance that i preach/live’ so you have to pretend it’s flawless?)
And like, I do think novel!wangxian is a nightmare when it comes to lgbt representation and I do believe this is largely due to a cishet woman writing about gay men and fetishizing them (the fact that a lot of peoples arguments why novel!wangxian ‘is better’ boils down to ‘there’s kissing and sex’ is also pretty telling). And I am frightend and worried by some peoples response to it.
But is it really fair to see it as just that? It’s a problem sure, but that same thing happens in straight media (which I am admittedly not well versed in). Stephanie Meyer didn’t set out to write Edward Cullen to be a creep and non of the teenage girls that went crazy over him viewed it as such...Reylo fans (aside from some of them proclaiming Finn to be the real villain and saying it’s racist and misogynistic to not find Kylo Ren hot) found a way to view him threatening her as romantic and sexy, Loki fans that didn’t ship him with Thor usually fell into the camp of “he would be a perfect boyfriend” or “what if this OFC was his slave and he raped her everyday <3″... like ignoring/glorifying/romanticizing behaviours or exploring what kinks you might have through the safety of fictional characters and fictional settings isn’t JUST happening when it comes to ‘the gays’...
And not just specifically in fandom spaces either, a lot of ‘romantic’ movies include inappropriate touching, the boy/guy knowing better than the girl what she wants etc. And I absolutely do believe that that’s something that normalized these things for a lot of young girls and guys (I don’t want to get into this too much, I’ve really seen a change in the past few years, but before that it was pretty common for young boys to believe they need to keep pursuing and pressuring a girl that has said no, girls truly thought boys could die of blue balls, girls thought it was their duty as good girlfriends to let their boyfriends fuck them even when they weren’t in the mood, that they couldn’t talk about what they want in bed or what they don’t find enjoyable because ‘sex is for boys and girls get a relationship in exchange’ etc.).
And in much the same way movies have only relatively recently begun being called out for that, it’s also still pretty recently that they’re being called out for having their one queer coded character be a pedophile and a murder or whatever...Like, society as a whole becoming aware of these issues.
But do authors that publish their work with a specific target audience in mind have a responsibility to think about the effect it might have on them? (And I can already hear loud screams of ‘no way, it’s not your fault if your audience isn’t smart enough to understand that this bad thing is bad’, but I actually do believe in a way they do. That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t write whatever you want, just maybe take a look at HOW you bring your point across. (We do KNOW people are influenced by what propaganda they’re consistantly fed. I mean, you wouldn’t write a pro-drugs childrens book...) )
What if the author isn’t aware of their bias and prejudices? Or their target audience isn’t their actual audience?
And do we, society and media, judge female and male authors differently when it comes to romance and sex in fiction? (The answer is yes btw) But also, where do we draw the line at calling something ‘badly written’ and calling it toxic? Can it be both? As I’ve said before, a lot of people claim that only the physical intimacy scenes of novel!wangxian are bad, because they’re badly written and OOC, some say the book as amazingly written and only the wangxian relationship is bad because the author doesn’t know how to write gay men. In my ‘hot take’ I essentially said that’s not necessarily bad writing so much as it’s simply an (okay, unintentional) toxic relationship. And would this relationship still come across as toxic (or badly written, whichever you want) if we didn’t know the author to be a cishet woman? Or if a gay man had written it? (my personal, eloquent answer for this is: yes, but differently.)
Which was really all just a rambly way to get to my point of: it’s not just fetishizing of gay men, it’s also the homophobia and self-inserting in a safe situation.
You can literally replace WWX in the novel with a female character and it wouldn’t change a thing. The author takes such an effort into building up this power imbalance in every aspect of their life that if WWX were a heroine nothing would change in this (sexist/ancient society) setting.
(And clearly this is something that appeals to people if you look at the amount of female!WWX fics...)
Not even the sex scenes. There are maybe two allusions in all of them combined that WWX might also have a dick but like, you can’t be sure and it sure as hell doesn’t need stimulation.
(and again, that could be written as a kink...but it’s just not.)
CQL is a gay love story. MDZS at it’s core is none of that.
But I also very much agree with your ‘to each their own’, like here I am criticizing and trying to find explanations and whatever, but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter why someone might like (or write) a book like this, I vastly prefer CQL!wangxian but people have their own reasons for not doing so.
The ‘problem’ really only lies in, as you said, people not being able to accept that it’s not a healthy relationship. Or claiming it to be perfect lgbt rep.
And because my brain can’t shut up today:
I also can’t stop thinking that the way some people ‘glorify’ the book as due to their age and ‘inexperience’.
When I was a pretty young kid and got into fanfiction, there was nothing but completely OOC!whump to be found in the first two fandoms I was in. And I loved it. It was YEARS later that I thought I might like to read something with the characters being...in character. What I’m trying to say, in different stages and phases of your life you might enjoy different things, for different reasons...and obviously, in that moment, you won’t think about ‘what appeals to me here/should this appeal to me/etc’.
I don’t mean inexperience as ‘sexual inexperience’ here, though of course that could be part of it, but also like, inexperience with this genre (is this the first book like this you read, or did you just read 50 in a row that all had the same unhealthy vibes?), with lgbt people and issues (do you know any lgbt people or is your only image of them either the cute boy you can’t have and don’t want to see with another girl or grown men in full kink gear in front of children during CSD? and also: do you think ‘i like this’ and that’s the end of it or do you notice how many people idolize this objectively unhealthy relationship and won’t allow critique on it...)  
I...just wanted to say thanks really.
I just can’t stop rambling apparently and I know I mostly just repeated what you said or what I already said but in longer... I just really do feel very strongly about novel!wangxian and the perception of them and have actually at times felt very personally...worried/affected, by people’s acceptance and love of them and I just... have to try and make sense of it...
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startledstars · 4 years ago
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It's really sad that you've convinced yourself to accept evil because God will better you for it. You can believe in God and believe that he wouldn't want evil to happen to you or anyone else. That's a problem with Christianity though. A lot of religious, cult peoples have a "by all means, even evil, necessary for the greater good" mentality and that's not okay. I'm so sorry you believe your god is abusing you and that you're okay with it. Life or the universe is both good and bad, not god. The trials in life aren't there to benefit you, it's there so when you get through it, you'll grow and learn and prevent it from happening to someone else, not be blessed as an individual. A supreme being of love doesn't dole out pain or evil. Someone who loves you wouldn't hurt you with such abuse that you call it evil. You need to believe this in your life, not in just some spiritual way. Please don't ever justify evil for a cause for good. Please. No one deserves that.
Hi anon,
First of all, thank you for this question. I can honestly see how my previous post can make me sound like a battered, self-deluded housewife trying to justify a miserable situation. Just a few months ago, if someone said what I said today, I would sincerely pity them too.
I actually agree with 90% of your message, and the 10% is a misunderstanding: I’m not being abused by anyone right now, least of all God. I don’t think anyone deserves to be abused. I do not accept evil. I despise it. And while I don’t think God wants people to suffer evil, if you look at the world, you see that He allows just that.
You can’t believe in an all-powerful God who can change or prevent or reverse any situation instantly, and pretend that he doesn’t have absolute power over evil too. God has power over evil, but there are times when He lets evil run its course. The question is, why?
You also said:
“The trials in life aren’t there to benefit you . They’re there so you can help other once you get through them.”
I agree with the second part of the statement, but disagree with the first. The trials in life, even the most horrible suffering, are used by God to benefit you, too. I’ve experienced these benefits firsthand.
(If there is a single thing that God doesn’t use to benefit you personally in the long run, as in eternity, can you say he’s 100% good? Even one exception means He falls short of that 100%. This sounds really extreme, but it’s a great thought exercise.)
And you’re right in saying that God does not ‘will’ evil. That’s why I said that he ‘allowed’ me to be abused by evil people. In other words, he gave me to other people with free will and wicked intentions. He allowed their will, instead of imposing his own, because this is one way God gives freedom to his creations.
I have been abused over and over again, for years on end. These evil people were actually the ones closest to me; my parents, one grandparent, and a parade of so-called ‘friends’ who never really treated me like a human being. The abuse started when I was under 4 years old. Every single one of my abusers have tried to convince me that their abuse was actually an expression of love, and I believed them, even while they relentlessly tried to snuff out my will to live.
(Anyone who’s been abused and is coming out of it will understand how the abuser does this and what effect it has on you. It is a horrible thing.)
While the abuse was taking place, I didn’t know it was evil, and I did not know they were evil. This world teaches us to not believe that evil exists, or that evil is somehow exclusive to genocidal dictators. The world teaches us that abusers aren’t evil; they’re victims of their own twisted psychology, and can be ‘fixed’ with the correct treatment.
This may be true, but the reason evil people become evil is because even if they are aware of their shortcomings, they’d rather project their dysfunction than take any responsibility for fixing themselves. Evil people actively refuse to change for the better, and are only interested in dragging other people down. They are incapable of love, though they can imitate it well enough.
So, how can God give a child into the hands of people like this, and still be considered ‘good?’
I can only speak to my experience, but due to the length and extent of my entanglement with evil people, I can:
Say with confidence that evil exists, and if there’s such great evil in this world, there must be a greater good.
Recognize potentially problematic individuals and avoid them
Recognize the potential for evil within myself, and work to prevent myself from becoming abusive. (Even as a ‘victim’ I had developed abusive tendencies. I am not innocent. This is Another Fucking Pill.)
Cut off toxic relationships without a single glance backwards; I have not been abused by anyone for months now, on any level, and if someone tries to cross a line, I assert myself firmly and confidently. Most victims of abuse either become abusers, or fall prey to other abusers. I avoided both these traps.
Strengthen my faith and relationship. When there’s an abusive/controlling person trying to ‘get me’ (anyone with a job will understand) I pray to God to remove this person from my life. He does, every. Single. Time. Because He also doesn’t want me to fall prey to anyone ever again; He’s already let me see what happens if I trust the wrong people.
Recognize ‘good’ people too and build relationships with them. Because many people are good, have the right intentions, and don’t need you to make excuses for their shitty behavior because they behave just fine on their own.
Appreciate the healing power of God. If God allows you to suffer, he will use that suffering to make you wiser and more powerful, then carry you out of the fire and make you brand new; better for the pain, but also like the pain never touched you in the first place. If you met me irl, you would never guess that I’d ever struggled as much as I did. This goes for appearance too; stress should age people rapidly, but I actually look much younger than I should, untouched by the burden of all these years. He did that.
Ok this answer has gotten so long and there’s so much more to say even though I mostly agree with you anyways lol. Also thanks for the comment on ‘cult mentality,’ because once again, you’re right, and that deserves it’s own post. I believe that all cults are Satanic, and Satan tries to imitate God. To imitate God, you need to really, really understand how God works. So Satan knows that only God uses evil for good, which is why cults employ this mentality; it’s another way the devil mocks the creator. It’s another lie, but to lie, you have to know the truth first. Hope that makes sense; cults can’t use evil the same way God can.
Tl:dr evil is never justified, but if God allows evil, it is because that evil is a ‘channel’ for greater good, like the labor pains to bring a child into the world. I do not condone evil, and people should never knowingly hurt others or let themselves be hurt. But if it happened, God allowed it. And if God allowed it, it’s for a good reason.
Thanks again for the message and for sharing your perspective. I hope this gives some food for thought, because that’s what you’ve done for me. Merry (late) Christmas and hope you have a great 2021 :)
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sincerelyreidburke · 5 years ago
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Now that the door of angst has been opened I'm curious, how (if at all) does the toxicity of Nando's past relationship with N*te affect how he acts in his relationship with Quinn?
Thank you for this question, anon! There’s a lot to unpack with regard to the impact of Nando’s relationship experience on not only the way he does his relationship with Quinn but just generally on his life.
In this post, I told you that N*te was a shitty boyfriend, and that their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Now, in response to this ask, I want to take a deeper dive on that, in terms of telling you how it affects Nando and also what that means for him and Quinn.
So: here we go! This got really long, so I’m sorry in advance.
TW: body shaming, general emotional manipulation.
(Ask me anything about the crickets!)
- My favorite way to describe Nando is “a big boy with big emotions”, because that’s exactly what he is, and always has been. Feeling and processing emotion honestly and forwardly is part of his personality, and Mama Hernandez— along with, in a twist on traditional toxic masculinity, Papa as well— raised him to always keep in mind that emotions are healthy and there’s no need to beat them down.
- So in relationships, that translates a certain way— when being a boyfriend, Nando is affectionate, doting, sweet, et cetera. He pours a lot of love onto people, not just in romantic relationships but in his family and friend circles. If he loves you (whether romantically, familially, or platonically), he won’t be afraid to show it.
- Or at least that’s how it is in a healthy situation. And as he have discussed, the situation with N*te is not healthy.
- Now, the thing is. Why would two people get themselves into a relationship that’s not enjoyable or healthy? And the answer to that question is because that most relationships, even toxic ones, start out pretty good. N*te is Nando’s first boyfriend, and their earliest stages of dating are like most other early stages. It’s that “we mutually like each other and there’s something starting between us” feeling that tends to make you really soft.
- And Nando... latches onto that feeling. No boy has ever paid attention to him the way N*te does during that early stage, and he jumps at the chance when they actually become official. He’s about 16, and super gay and touch-starved, and he’s never been in a relationship in his life— so he’s eager. He’s excited. He’s very happy.
- For awhile, things are okay. N*te willingly got himself into this because he liked him, and Nando is a good boyfriend; he does nice things for him and goes out of his way to pander to him and just generally tries to please. Getting attention like this is nice for N*te. It’s why they last so long, ultimately.
- But the thing is, it’s not healthy.
- Because the biggest problem is, N*te can be a little bit of an asshole, and he is constantly making Nando feel like he’s too much. I mean too much in several senses— too loving, too loud, too himself, et cetera. Eventually, the honeymoon phase of dating ends, and N*te starts getting annoyed with him really easily. He’ll be moody for no apparent reason, and he’ll pull back when Nando pushes, and it’s just.... not a good time.
- Nando thinks this is his fault, and rather than own up to the fact that he’s being wishy-washy, N*te feeds right into that and lets him think it’s his fault. He’s constantly dropping little comments about how Nando needs to calm down or stop being so obvious. And this isn’t a closet issue, because they’re both out; it’s an issue of N*te getting embarrassed and ashamed of the level on which Nando wants to show how much he cares about him.
- So this goes on. They date for a long time in high school terms, about a year and a half. Why doesn’t Nando leave? Because that’s his first boyfriend, and he is desperate to please him and work it out, and besides, N*te is only moody some of the time, and it’s always when I deserve it ‘cause I’m being annoying, so really, it’s my fault. (That’s the manipulation talking.) Why doesn’t N*te leave? Because here’s a partner who would literally do anything to make him happy. Nando is constantly thinking of him, doing nice things for him, and trying to make his life better. In high school, who can walk away from that?
- The other huge part of this is the body image thing, and I want to talk about that because it’s important in a number of senses. N*te is really, really bad to Nando about the way he looks. Nando is big and sort of chunky, and he never has a problem with that about himself before N*te is in the picture. N*te is constantly making little comments to him, like do you really need to eat that? and are you sure that shirt fits you? and (this while Nando is trying to cuddle or something) stop, you’re too big to do that, get off me.
- Nando internalizes this. He starts to genuinely believe that there’s something wrong with his body, and he feels awful about himself for it. N*te completely witnesses this damage he’s doing to Nando’s self-esteem, and he does nothing about it; he feeds into it, if anything. Why? Because N*te is a body-shaming little fuck.
- In short— and I know this is getting long before I get to Quinn— N*te keeps Nando around because he’s fully aware that Nando would do anything to make him happy, and honestly, it’s convenient to have that in his life. Nando is sure that if there are ever problems in their relationship, they’re his fault, and he needs to just stop being too much to fix them.
- We all know what the fate of that relationship is once Nando gets to Samwell.
- Anyway, I went into that long digression because I wanted to more thoroughly explain the problems with that relationship, and the toll it takes on Nando’s general self esteem and self-perception. N*te makes him feel like shit, and he doesn’t let himself fully understand that until after they’ve finally broken up.
- So N*te is gone. But the lasting effects of having the only relationship he’s known be a super toxic one.... those are still there.
- Along comes Quinn.
- We know the Nando and Quinn courting story. They have a lovely little meet-cute, and then a reconnection after they’re both too gay and stupid to get each other’s numbers the first time around. After that, there are two or so weeks of spending time together before they actually become official.
- The becoming-official fic and the first kiss fic are the same fic. The bulk of it is in Quinn’s POV, and I did that for a reason. Quinn spends most of it trying to figure out why Sebastián hasn’t asked him out yet, and then he ends up being the one to do it, at the very end.
- Let it be known: this is not because Nando doesn’t want to ask him out. It’s because Nando has the lasting belief from his only previous relationship that he is too much, and that he’s too affectionate, too pushy, too forward— so he doesn’t want to become too much for Quinn. By being the one to ask him out, he thinks there’s a chance he might scare him away, or make it all too big too soon.
- He really likes Quinn, and his thought is that he does not want to mess this up by being his annoying self. So he wants to let Quinn do this at his own pace. Nando is also conscious that Quinn has never had a boyfriend before, so there’s that, too.
- Their first kiss is mostly a mutual thing. They’re both thinking it, and they both want it, and it happens.
- The beginning of their relationship is a lot of touch-and-go— Nando constantly asking if it’s okay if he does something (is it okay if I hold your hand? or *in public* can I kiss you here? or *while snuggling* am I crushing you?), and Quinn telling him, of course it’s okay, Sebastián.
- He also apologizes a lot. I’m sorry if I’m being too much. You would tell me, right? If I was? It’s okay if I am. I can be better. Quinn reassures him. He’s patient and caring, and he doesn’t want Sebastián to think for a second that he’s too much for him.
- As a result of Nando’s internalized low self-esteem, a lot of the milestones in the relationship happen at Quinn’s pace. Nando was the first one to say I love you with N*te, so he waits for Quinn to be ready to say it to him— even when he’s been thinking it. When they start to move toward more intimate stuff, he lets Quinn dictate how and when it develops. Quinn is okay with this because they’re still on the same page about everything, but he definitely notices it and understands why.
- So he’s constantly reminding him that it’s okay to be forward if he wants to be, that it’s okay to be really sweet and affectionate— because, as Quinn tells him all the time, he loves those things. The big emphasis on emotion and the super loving side of him is part of what makes Nando himself. And Quinn loves him for himself. He tells him this regularly.
- Basically: Quinn helps him un-learn the repression of his romantic self that he internalized during his relationship with N*te.
- And Quinn is fully aware that Nando second-guesses himself sometimes directly because of N*te. They have the “sharing past relationship experience” talk pretty early on, and Nando tells him the whole N*te story, and Quinn gets mad. Not at Nando, but at N*te for putting him through that. He hates that somebody hurt him like this, and from that point forward Quinn vows that he’ll help him see himself the way he sees him.
- Nando finds it really hard to believe, at first, that Quinn likes and actively wants this unfiltered version of himself. But it gets much easier as it goes along. He lets himself open back up, and he doesn’t feel like too much anymore. He’s enough for Quinn, and that’s all that matters to him. Quinn is extremely patient with the un-learning process, and he encourages him to treat him the way he wants to, without holding back.
- I have been on this for quite a long time, but there’s one more thing I would be remiss to leave out of this psychological dive, and that’s Quinn’s impact on his body image. I’ve said a few times that Quinn loves the way he looks, head to toe, and that is absolutely true always and forever.
- It’s actually probably one of my favorite parts of their relationship. Nando is really hesitant at the start, especially in intimate moments, about his body and whether Quinn even really wants to touch it or see it. Quinn wants to shut that fear down as effectively as he can.
- Because he loves it. He loves his height, and his broad shoulders, and his big strong arms, and especially he loves his stomach. It’s a free pillow, and also just, there’s so much of him for Quinn to love on. Quinn is tiny and he’s so very not tiny, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.
- So that means a lot of Quinn vocalizing that while they’re alone together, plenty of you’re so beautiful and let me look at you and I wouldn’t change a thing about you. It’s very soft and very sweet, and Nando sometimes almost cries because of just how much he loves him and loves this and how much better this is than anything he knew before it. With Quinn, for the first time, he’s okay with the way he looks. He learns to love himself, actually.
- For example.
(Kind of early in their relationship, right around the time they’re crossing lines into slightly more intimate behavior, but they haven’t gone far yet at all.)
(They’re in Quinn’s room, making out, and Quinn puts his hand under his shirt. Nando kind of recoils a little.)
Quinn: Oh. Wait. (Sensing he crossed a line Nando isn’t ready for.) I’m sorry.
Nando: No— I’m sorry.
Quinn: What? (He takes his hand away.) Why are you sorry?
Nando: Because I just... I’m not, like, jacked under there, or anything.
Quinn: I... didn’t think you were?
Nando: Then why did you put your hand there?
Quinn: Because I like your stomach?
Nando: (He’s quiet for a second, and then,) You do? (Pause) It... doesn’t gross you out to touch it?
Quinn: My goodness, Sebastián, gross me out? Of course not. It’s just the opposite.
Nando: (In disbelief.) It is?
Quinn: Of course it is. (He inches his hand back under there.) Can I— is this okay?
Nando: It’s okay if you’re okay with it.
Quinn: I’m very okay with it. (He smiles.) C’mere. Let me show you.
(And he does.)
- Anyway. I know I’ve been going on for quite some time. But the biggest thing here is that where he’s second-guessed himself before, Quinn helps Nando learn to love himself.
- And he finally gets to be the loving, doting, overly emotional boyfriend he’s always wanted to be.
- Quinn is a big fan of that.
- I love them so much and I’m emotional. We love Nando actually getting to be in a healthy and loving relationship.
Thank you for the ask!
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a-woman-apart · 4 years ago
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Watch "I'M BACK! WHY I LEFT YOUTUBE FOR TWO YEARS!" on YouTube
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This scared me so badly, because this is EXACTLY what happened in my life, except it was all in The Reverse.
I graduated with an Associate Degree in Music Performance in 2018, but instead of running TOWARDS my dream/calling I ran hardcore AWAY from it. My pride in graduating only lasted a month before I declared myself Utterly Unmarketable and sought to go after a "real degree" and get a Big Girl career.
Between 2018 and 2020 I had major life changes.
My dad died of stomach cancer
I broke up with my neglectful boyfriend
I turned down a Full Ride to a major college
I hospitalized myself for Suicidal Ideation (Sept 2019)
I quit my job of 5 years
I started working for my best friend and became her Office Manager
I started dating the Love of my Life
I lost my friend group and peer support
I lost my mind and left college due to COVID-19 (but not before making one of my best decisions in taking a Screenwriting class because I WANTED not NEEDED it)
Started distancing myself from the toxic women in my life and definining Womanhood/Adulthood for myself
Visited my brother's grave after over a decade of waiting and got closure
Fully acknowledged my childhood trauma/abuse
Rediscovered my sexuality
Was disowned by who I erroneously thought was a close friend of 17 years over my political views
Joined and exited Unity2020
Turned in my car for repossession
Spent a week in the hospital after having a severe, paranoid psychotic break, but came out completely free of the vice of self-consciousness I was living under
You know what is nuts? I feel in many ways, I have completely reverted to who I was in the summer of 2011. I was off my meds, and it WAS mania, but personality-wise, the tempestuous, gum-chewing, cigarette-puffing, flirtatious, humorous, free-spirited ball of fire that drove all the way to Colorado on a whim wasn't rebellious, SHE WAS ME.
I just wasn't Me around the right people, and it wasn't the Right Time.
My inner Sagittarius moon would remain in a dormant state for almost a full decade. I would spend the next 9 years heavily sedated, sleepwalking through life, only alive at The Sound of Music.
It was Torture to feel so much but be afraid to express myself. I had to Hide while doing a major that demanded that I Command Attention. I am by nature "dramatic", "theatrical", "emotional", "expressive" but that part of me was so suppresed that I was frequently told I sang with excellence but without emotion.
Aside: During my 2011 manic episode, I spoke a lot about Doppelgangers. Without going into excessive detail, this is a German word that means "Double" and it is considered bad luck to encounter yours.
In the past 2 weeks, I have encountered people that look/sound like me (Josephine is Nigerian-Canadian and I am Nigerian-American and I kept thinking about her work even though I initially disagreed with her lot) and a woman with my name (different spelling) who was NOTHING like me and I also think might've had malice in mind for me.
I was DEFINITELY an agnostic atheist when I started this year, but as a result of undergoing so much weird shit I almost certainly believe in God, and yes, "God is a Woman." (More on that later)
Also, I realized that I really DID, as many teenage girls, "lose interest in math and science" but that was because of the terrible, unfactual way it was presented in my homeschool curriculum and by my mom, who was a Math major but whose disinterested detachment made every algebra lesson an excercise in torture.
I have always loved biolology and anatomy and I remember so much more chemistry than I thought. Geology class in community college was amazing and also helped me understand-- even more than the Theory of Evolution-- why young earth creationism was completely impossible.
As for math, I spent 15 years thinking it was my greatest weakness when I have had to use arithmetic in cashiering, my managerial work, and my monthly budget for the last 7 years. Also, as annoying as it was to hear constantly, my mom parroting "What you have to do to one side, you have to do to the other" (but in reverse) gave me the ability to do Algebra quickly and (mostly) effortlessly. I could never get A's, but I got a B in Quantitative Mathematics with no real help aside from occasional teacher input and the "Help me solve this" function of MyMathLab.
Here is where it Gets Weird. I am a Creative. I have been writing stories since I was 6 years old. I have loved Story all my life. My parents were in math and science fields and they completely lacked any creativity. COMPLETELY. It was part of why they were so religiously rigid, authoritarian, and draconian. There was no room for spontaneity or childish imaginativeness.
Looking back, I had major sensory and processing issues. I was likely speech delayed, I learned to read late, and I recently confirmed that when I am stressed my dyscalculia kicks in bad (it IS real). Numbers and symbols get really interchangeable (like an 8 and infinity symbol become kinda the same) which is why I had to recite phone numbers out loud to remember them or write them on colorful backgrounds so I can see them in my head as an image. Also explains my aversion to math but my ease with fractions (1/2 is half a sandwich, etc).
My spatial awareness is also shit when stressed. Before I turned in our car, I had earned the nickname "U-turn" from my boyfriend because on that Floating Death Machine left and right got completely crossed, frequently.
By the way, I struggled with right and left until I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD. I literally didn't understand the concept of a mirror and 3D space, meaning that the basic understanding that my right is someone else's left didn't come into play until I had an argument with my [now-deceased] brother about it.
What is so weird, is that because of years of correcting for these issues, my sense of direction, ON FOOT is good, if not better than most people. Also, once I realized that, given the opportunity, I very much do whatever I can with my left-hand, and that my hearing is MUCH better than I even thought, I am far less clumsy. Depth perception is still crap, but that is probably also because I was forced to spend years without the glasses I needed (and got earlier this year after living with chronic eye strain)
When I talk about these "issues" it is in line with female autism, but you know what? If really do have adult autism, then I am a Complete Boss because I have pwned that ho.
After being rehospitalized, a kind nurse suggested I may have PTSD and suggested medicine for insomnia and nightmares. It was extremely helpful. I had been looking into C-PTSD for a while, because I didn't think I had "suffered enough" to have "real" PTSD. But that isn't how diagnoses work.
Btw, I still have Bipolar I, Psychotic Features. Another kind nurse told me I don't need anti-psychotics, and no, I don't. I was given Zyprexa by a bitch nurse and it was like getting drunk. I stumbled the halls, almost fell over (possibly did) and woke up with a neon "Fall Risk" bracelet. Anti-psychotics also fucked up my menstrual cycle for years and I have had lingering hormonal isssues. Haha no thanks.
Anyway, I digress. Of course I am fucked up. I lived under family members who questioned my reality, attempted to crush my dreams, threatened me with physical punishment any time I behaved in non-neurotypical ways, violated my rights and interfered with my treatment even though I was a full legal adult, undermined my relationships, tortured and socially isolated me, etc., all under the guise "of knowing best."
In minority cultures, our darkness hides in plain sight, and ESPECIALLY in the Bible Belt, with its supeestition and idolization of familial hierarchy/patriarchy, victims of financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical abuse have no where safe to turn. The Long Arm of the Law is often Short when it comes to "breaking up the family", and women and children are victimized openly with little to no intervention.
On top of doing my Creative Work, I plan to create legislation to make sure that what happened to me and my siblings isn't allowed to go unpunished. We lost my older brother, and I almost died, too, but Enough is Enough.
The Time is Now.
P.S. If Josephine is an Air Nomad I identify as a Water Bender. I basically have no water in my astrological chart, but water signs bring me great comfort in times of need (and make bad romantic partners for me obviously)
Also, this is one Bad Biyatch.
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I also found out I am an ISFJ, not INFJ. Yep. Gonna be a Playwright and Director. I want to be a part of the action, not just writing about it.
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