#and i’ve never told ANYBODY about intrusive thoughts or anything because i always thought i was just Like That u know

[patronsaintofgirls]

-

[vampykween]

HI MICCC :3 hope you are well!! i’ve been brainrotting about ur singledad!simon and here’s a list of scenarios nd thoughts that’s been plaguing my mind

what if poppy got into a fight at school? the fight was short because you pulled them apart almost instantly - but she still got her hair pulled and a scratch on her cheek, and poppy knows from simon that fighting isn’t the best option, but when simon answers your call and hears poppy’s crying in the background, how would he react!!

the way kids like to overshare and have no filter, i can see poppy casually telling you stuff like “yeah my daddy has no friends” or “daddy doesn’t talk much”.. and then when simon comes to pick her up, maybe you two have a small convo and you accidentally slip up and mention what poppy’s told you about him.. then he looks and poppy and you like 🤨what else did you hear..

Oklfldldg how does simon do father daughter nights! is he the type to play competitively in games with her or does he always let her win? does he like taking her out to eat or does he prefer cooking at home :3

AAAA okay last one i promise:3 how do the other kids react to poppy’s behemoth of a dad? are they scared? do they think he’s a mafia boss of some sort? or do they find him incredibly awesome and think he’s a giant from those action movies

(ofc u don’t have to do all of them if u don’t want to OR if u don’t want to spoil anything for the series, just some thoughts! take ur time<3)

hi bby! i am very well right now actually and this made things even better, i could kiss your brain truly mwah <3

i will be saving these ideas because this gave me much needed inspiration and motivation for this series. also sorry if i didnt go as in depth with these, but the longer they sat in my drafts i realized i was never going to remember to finish oops! also i hope you dont mind i will be stealing the oversharing poppy idea if fits perfectly with what i have going for part 3 hehe

✴︎ I feel like simon would be fuming, at whom he’s not even sure. I imagine that some kid said something rude and snarky to her and she couldn’t take it anymore and popped on them, and you’re shocked because poppy is normally such a sweet little girl. Simon would definitely hug poppy close because seeing his baby hurt cuts like a knife, takes her out for ice cream and then chides her because omg! has she lost her mind fighting at school, but also he’s a tiny bit proud she’s a fighter like him. 

✴︎No because Poppy would most definitely do this, in her head she’s just rattling off mundane things about her father, but you’re sporting a frown because there’s a tiny part of you that hates the idea of Simon being alone with just poppy. Not that it’s any of your business though (you would definitely have to remind yourself of that).

Simon is groaning at his daughter’s perceptive nature and how willing she is to share every thought she has. When you waved him over to where you were during school pick up, Simon was praying something bad hadn't happened.  “Mr. Riley, err Simon, sorry.” you correct yourself quickly at the raised eyebrow look he gives you. “Is everything okay… like at home?” you’re mentally face palming at the way you blurted out the very intrusive question. You sense his shock by the question by the almost imperceptible widening of his eyes. “Why-” he looks down at Poppy who’s swinging her tiny hand in his, not paying any attention to the conversation you two are having, “What did she say to you?” You wring your hands nervously, the older man’s deadpan stare makes  you feel like you’re in trouble for some reason. “Poppy mentioned to me that you don't have any friends or talk much to anybody. I don't mean to pry, really I swear. Kids will tell you anything, i'm sure you know. After what happened with the family tree thing and-” You're cut off by Simon’s large hand settling on your shoulder, clearly an attempt to calm you down and halt your rambling, but it has the opposite effect and all you can think about is how enormous his hands are and the weight of it grasping you.  “No need to apologize, Poppy talks my ear off about you. I’d be surprised if she didn’t talk to you about things. And you don't need to worry about me, luv. Im fine being alone, i've got my little petal and that’s enough f’me.” There’s an aura of wistfulness in his words, that makes you want to push him for a more truthful answer, but you chide yourself at your thoughts. You barely know this man. Whatever longing you think is in his voice may as well be a projection of your own sadness; a failed long term relationship will do that to a person. 

✴︎Definitely loves to play games but does not let Poppy win because he wants her to learn how to lose and be okay with it. (You would applaud this btw, this is every teachers’ dream. Trust me on that). Their father-daughter nights also will be movie nights with as many sweets as poppy desires because Simon won't bend to anything but her little puppy dog eyes. I feel like even though he’s not the best cook ever Simon would go out of his way to cook Poppy’s favorites for her. Especially like on a saturday morning and wakes her up with breakfast in bed because why not spoil his little girl if he can. 

✴︎I think it's a mix of both really. I imagine Poppy goes to some nice fancy school because why not lol. And some of Poppy's classmates have snooty rich parents who turn their noses up at Simon so their kids are kinda wary of him too. I think Poppy would hype up her dad so much at recess time. Telling stories of how he used to be a ‘super cool soldier’ and all the other kids would be staring in awe like omg your dad is so cool, my dad just does people’s taxes lol.

[muertarte]

[It's not till after she's home and read threw the letters does she actually give Metzli's theirs, and she feels a little guilty she didn't give it to them right away but that's show business baby] 

[SUBMITTED ON BEHALF OF CASS]

Metzli,

I’m not really sure how to do this. I guess it’s not something I ever really thought I’d have to do, you know? I’m not usually the one who’s leaving. I never wanted to be the one leaving, just like I never wanted to be the one who was left behind. But… I guess life isn’t always about getting what you want, is it? I know you probably know that better than anybody.

By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be gone already. You’ll probably be the one who finds the notebook. It’s one of yours, you know? I don’t know if you noticed, but I used to borrow them all the time. I think it just made me feel good to have a piece of you with me in the cave. If you are the one who finds it, can you get the letters to where they belong? I’m sorry to ask. I know I should deliver them myself, but… If I did that, someone would ask me to stay. And I don’t think I could say no if someone asked me.

Wicked’s Rest isn’t the right place for me right now. It’s not because of you, or anyone else. It’s just… things here are so much sometimes, you know? I’m always watching the people I love get hurt, or leave to stop other people from getting hurt, or whatever, and it’s not helping me. I’m trying to be better, to teach my dad to be better. I think that’s hard to do here. I think we just need some time. Some time to be somewhere else, somewhere where we can get to know each other without all the drama. He’ll be better when we come back, Metz, I know he will. He’ll love me then. You can get to know him, and we can be a family. All of us.

I don’t want you to think I’m leaving because of something you did. If anything, I’m leaving because of what I’ve done. I hurt people. A lot of people. I never told you, or anyone, because I was afraid you’d hate me for it. And I know you wouldn’t. I know that. But… I think I hated me for it a little, so it was like… why wouldn’t everyone else, right? I’m trying to learn how to forgive myself. I just think it’ll be easier to do that if I’m away from where it happened.

I love you. I want to make that really, really clear. I know you caught on to the things I was saying in the cave, to the way I didn’t mean it, but I want to make sure I say it plainly anyway. I’m sorry for lying then. I know you hate lying, I know that. But all I wanted — all I want now, too — was for you to be safe. And my dad was… angry and hurt and scared. I didn’t want you to have to suffer because of that. I’d never hurt you. I hope you know that. Not if he asked me to, and not if anyone else did, either. 

You were the first person who was ever really, like, there for me. And I know you didn’t want to be at first. I know I kind of tricked you into it, and I know you hated that. I hope you won’t hate me if I say I don’t regret it. I went about it in the wrong way, I know that, but doing what I did meant I got to get to know you better, and I could never regret that. You showed me what a family was. There’s nothing anyone else has ever done that could mean more to me than that.

Love, Cass

The letter became blurry, growing more and more stained with every tear that fell from the vampire's cheeks. “Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop crying. Stop crying.” Metzli pleaded with themself, the skin at the edges of their eyes burning raw from the tears. They scrubbed at their face and shoved the door to their bedroom open. “Stop. Stop.” Fluffy yelped and whined, startled from the sudden intrusion.

Metzli swallowed and knelt down, petting Fluffy for a few moments to ease him. He licked their hand and attempted to leap into Metzli's embrace, but they shook their head and marched to their bed. They fell into it weakily, hiding in the sea of blankets, hoping to be swallowed hole into the nothingness that fit itself in their chest.

They showed Cass what family was, what it meant to be loved by someone who wanted to fill a role that was left vacant for most of her life. Parents were supposed to protect their young, but Metzli supposed that meant they were no parent.

They couldn't save Cass, and left her to die alone with the man who played a false father. She told them to continue to live and to not blame themself, but what else could they do? They ran off without her, placing love above all else to show her that trust was easy to offer to her. And it was.

But it cost them a daughter, and the decision riddled them with guilt. It crawled and stung, and they decided they didn't want to think about it anymore. Which didn't matter because the dead could not want, and they could not sleep.

So Metzli remained swallowed by their grief, letting it take them completely as they clutched onto Cass's letter.

[theharrowing]

Hey babes.

Just wanted to chime in and share my experience with bi men lol (I found the anons take so interesting).

My experience is the total opposite of this anon, as a bi (somehow clostet woman at least). I’ve dated a bi guy like 6 years ago back when I was very ignorant and homophobic (I’m so ashamed of those days) and I thought I was strictly straight so I just rejected him. He then told me he had like 90% preferences for women only.

And since I’ve realized I’m bi I’ve dated few bi men here and there and they’ve all told me they had stronger preference. And since I have 0 chance of ever coming out lol I’m mostly open about it if someone brings up the topic so I’m always glad when I encounter a bi guy that is willing to be himself with me and let me trust him to open up.

So basically what I’m trying to say is all these men mostly told me that even though the women to men ratio wasn’t the same, it was almost easier to hook up with men. Men are easier and less complicated about these things and that straight women can be biphobic towards them (hurts me that I someday was that straight woman yikes 🥴).

Bisexual men are so precious to me and they deserve all the love and acceptance in the world. I’ll fight the world for them 🥹 and I hope bi men with strong preference for men are still valid and wanted and that they should never be questioned about their bisexuality and attraction for women💙💓💜

i think that, when we’re young and we don’t have things all the way figured out, we tend to be problematic. especially if we are grappling with our own feelings? when i was dealing with heavy gender dysphoria, before i knew i was non-binary (or agender or whatever, i still don't fully know how i feel in my skin and bones) i had some intrusive thoughts/feelings that i feel would have been transphobic. i don't even really know how to verbalize them, but i think it had to do with "passing" and "looking/acting" a certain way, because i had a lot of negative feelings about myself that i was projecting onto others (i never expressed these thoughts to anyone!!!!! i have always done my best to be understanding and a safe person for others. but the fact that i had these thoughts does haunt me.) and this is not to say that your experience is anything like that, but i think that for people grappling with these very personal feelings, there are often similar things going on.

going to put this under a cut bc my feelings are big.

gosh, it's been so long since i have heard anyone talk about their attraction on like a ratio basis, but i remember my ex girlfriend in college (the first time) making fun of me because i told her i thought i was "at least 75% attracted to women" alskdjaslkdjasljd like what does that even mean??? but i guess some people may look at it in terms of percentages. i am also interested in non-cis and non-binary people so i wouldn't be able to pie chart my feelings as easily. 😅😂

if we do speak in terms of mostly the gender binary, i think that bi men/amab who like women/fem-presenting people get the same amount of biphobia as bi women/afab who like men/masc.-presenting people, because i have only ever experienced it while dating men and masc-presenting people. and it's so so so frustrating like what part of "i am attracted to my gender and other genders" is hard to understand??? that includes literally anybody i want it to.

i don't know if pansexuals get this same kind of hate, but if you do, i am sorry and i love you.

BISEXUAL MEN ARE PRECIOUS TO ME. everyone is precious to me. cishets are on thin ice but if you show me that i can trust you and that i am safe with you, then you are precious to me too.

ALSO YOU JAZZY mentioned you can't come out, and i am sorry to see that. if you ever need to talk about anything, please dm me! day and night! i'll likely be awake!!! 💖💖💖

[jenny-dreadful]

if i can ask a personal question how do you know if you’re bi-aspec (or aspec in general)? i keep spiraling about what if im just a lesbian and thats why i havent had sex or maybe im too introverted. im in my late 20’s so i feel like if i honestly wanted to i would have by now but i almost feel like i HAVE to just be repressed instead and stuff like the lesbian masterdoc has made it way worse :/ i always hear people say like oh go with your gut but thats not good advice for a nervous person and idek if i know what attraction feels like period, is it nervousness? intrusive thoughts? aesthetics? ugh!

lots of pieces to this question! i’m gonna do my best to handle u. pardon the text wall

FIRST: How do I (“how does one”?) know I’m aspec? I can only speak for my own experience, but for me the important pieces were 1) Finding out “some people just don’t experience sexual attraction” was even an option and 2) Realizing/being told that when other people make reference to, like, wanting to fuck a hot stranger, they do actually mean it and it’s not just a crass, jokey exaggeration.

People are cute as hell! I really enjoy checking cute people out! But I’ve never once scoped a hottie and thought/felt “OOOH I’d like my business to get up in their business, physically-speaking,” you know? It’s crazy to me that anyone would. It’s crazy to me to know that most people have not only actually had, like, actual irl physiological responses just to the presence of an appealing person, but that that’s, like, a pretty normal part of life for most people. Like, HUH? Y’all cannot be actually getting blushy n wet n shit…y’all cannot have ACTUALLY needed to hide boners through your whole teens*…please say sike…

It’s not that I’m seeing hot people and going through, like, a thought process of deciding it’d be unsafe or immoral to fuck em and therefore ultimately I don’t want to, or that they’re out of my league, or that I’ve decided I’m uninterested in casual sex in a social sense (although things like that may also apply)—it’s really just. N/A. These concepts just aren’t linked for me.**

So my thought is: To answer “Why haven’t I had sex? Am I ace or am I just introverted?” try assessing: Are you actually, actively attracted to people, but not pursuing that attraction due to shyness? Or maybe: Do you assume on some level that palpable attraction/arousal is something that kicks in Later, If You’re Getting Into It With Somebody, and you’ve just personally failed to get far enough to unlock those feelings? Because that one’s not it, actually—people who aren’t ace Feel Attraction whether they’ve done anything about it or not

As far as the other points of confusion you’ve mentioned, I really can’t nail them down for you, but what I CAN say is that I personally find the questions of “Am I just repressed?” and “Maybe I’m a lesbian and scared to accept it?” to be supremely unhelpful. In this context, they both hinge completely on the idea of ‘Someone suggested I might be lying to myself because I’m not ready to accept [x], and it’s impossible to definitively refute bc the phenomenon described is one where, literally by definition, I would not know I was doing that.’ Genuinely, I think you gotta consciously set those questions aside—you can return to them whenever, if you want, when you have a better handle on your central question.

*Not ENTIRELY literal and black-and-white like this for all aces. Personally I’ve also always been v low-libido, so the “Is this attraction or am I just free-floating nonspecifically horny?” was pretty fuckin easy for me to answer. It might take a little more work for you though, I don’t know your life story

**(This is where we get a little more personal, so be cool, but: When I’m using more specific labels [“bi aspec” usually covers me just fine], I’m demisexual, which for me is like. It’s not that I’m “sexually attracted” to anybody so much as it is that beyond a certain point/type of personal closeness, romanticism etc., sex starts to seem appealingly cozy, I guess? When that applies, I’m still not getting Super Hype about it in the way allos do. I’m not feeling particularly Urged to do anything. I’m still not proactively physically responsive. Just kind of opens it up as an option wrt things that sound kinda nice). I mention this only because, I dunno, if you’re questioning, it’s important to acknowledge that asexuality has a lot of different shapes to it—for very few people is it a total absolute in every dimension.

So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don’t know if anything in there is helpful to you, but I hope so, and good luck ✨

[giuliamarcovaldo]

You’re Okay, Luca

i wanted to read autistic!luca fics but i couldn’t find any. so what did i do? i wrote my own. this is my first time posting fanfic here! so enjoy this little autistic!luca story (with some luberto fluff and angst)

TW: mentions of violent stimming + meltdown

“I was about to have a meltdown and there was nothing I could do to stop it.”

Summary: Luca gets over stimulated at a fancy dinner party, and Alberto witnesses Luca having a meltdown for the first time.

I want to say they’re 16-17 in this??

100% sfw because they are children

word count: 1580

also please don’t kill me if the Italian words are wrong i used google translate sksjsjaksk

(also note: i am autistic)

——————

Alberto knew I was autistic. I told him about a year ago, when we first became a thing.

“This doesn’t change anything, Luca. There’s nothing in this world that could make me stop loving you.” His words rang through my head as I felt the onset of a meltdown.

Giulia had invited Alberto and me to a gathering with some of her extended family in Genoa. They were all very nice, and Alberto even made friends with some of them (which was no surprise). That wasn’t the cause of my meltdown. It was the atmosphere. It was a bright, loud fancy dining hall, nearly at full capacity. I was wearing a suit and tie that Giulia’s cousin had let me borrow. The collar was scratching my skin in the worst possible way but I didn’t want to be rude so I sucked it up. That was my first mistake. Between the bright lights, loud conversations and music, jam-packed room, a plethora of smells from foods that I had never heard of, and the suit collar, I could feel it coming.

It was sensory overload at first. I tried stimming subtly. I wasn’t out as autistic to everyone yet and the thought of them judging me for stimming made my anxiety worse. But I had to do something. Squeezing my hands into fists under the table. Chewing the inside of my cheek. Running my fingers through my hair repeatedly. It wasn’t enough, but somehow too much at the same time.

I was getting more and more fidgety. It was becoming harder to mask. Would it be rude to just get up and leave without saying anything? Probably. I couldn’t move anyway. I was frozen in my seat. My facial expressions were almost completely gone at this point, along with my ability to speak. Alberto noticed that something was wrong.

“Luca, hey, are you alright?” I couldn’t get the words “no, I feel like I’m about to explode into a violently stimming disaster if I don’t get out of here right now but I can’t move and I feel helpless” out of my mouth so I just nodded and gave him a small, unconvincing smile. I didn’t want to burden Alberto while he was having such a good time. I knew it was ridiculous to think that Alberto would mind helping me calm down, but my brain wouldn’t quit telling me otherwise.

Silenzio, Bruno. Silenzio, Bruno. Silenzio, Bruno. It wasn’t working.

Alberto didn’t look convinced. He knew me too well. Ever since I told him I was autistic he tried his best to make sure I was as comfortable as possible in every situation. I loved him for that but I hated myself for it. It’s like I always need to be babysat and I hate it. I know that he loves me so why do I feel so guilty?

My intrusive thoughts running through my mind was the final straw. It was all too much. Alberto’s face looked more concerned as each moment passed. He was about to witness me having a meltdown for the first time since we met. I didn’t know if I was ready for that type of vulnerability but I didn’t really have a choice. I was about to have a meltdown and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“Luca, we’re going to go some place quiet, okay?”

I shook my head no. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. It had gone from sensory overload, to shutdown, to a full-blown meltdown. I couldn’t hold back my stims anymore. I started hitting my head with my fists and pulling at my hair. Tears rolled down my face uncontrollably, exposing my green-blue scales.

Perfecto.

I didn’t know which was worse: violently and uncontrollably stimming in front of everyone, or unintentionally outing myself as a sea monster. They might have been tied. Most of the guests were too into their conversations to notice the autistic sea monster having a meltdown next to them but the few who did notice started to pass glances and whisper amongst themselves.

“Luca, Luca, you’re okay. I know you don’t like anyone touching you when you’re in sensory overload but I’m going to help you get out of here, okay?”

Alberto helped me get up from the table and escorted me out of the dining room, using his suit jacket to cover my face so no one would see my scales, but being careful to not let it touch my face. We made our way to a long hallway off of the lobby. Alberto sat me down on the ground and flipped the hallway light switch off. Light from the lobby trailed into the hallway but didn’t reach us at the end.

I was out of the environment but still at the height of my meltdown. Tears were still coming from my eyes. I continued to tug at my hair while I rocked back and forth. I couldn’t vocalize anything except for non verbal sounds. I felt so helpless, so defeated, so ashamed.

Alberto tried to redirect my violent stims, to no avail. I’m sure he felt helpless too. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. And I felt bad that Alberto couldn’t help that.

Alberto sat a few feet away from me, probably resisting the urge to pull me into a hug.

“I’ll just sit with you, okay? You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.” Alberto reassured me that he wasn’t leaving. My perception of time isn’t that great but it felt like at least 45 minutes before I started to come down. Still there, like he said he would be, Alberto let out a deep shaky breath. I hadn’t looked at him the entire time because I was too embarrassed that he had to see all of that. When I finally did glance up at him, I notice two trails of purple scales down his cheeks. Knowing he had cried hurt me even more.

“Are you feeling better?” I was still nonverbal and rocking back and forth but my violent stims had passed. I opened my left hand flat and tapped it with my right index finger.

“Oh! Right,” Alberto pulled a pen and pad from my jacket, which he had helped me remove from my body earlier in my meltdown. He slid them across the floor and anxiously waited for me to write my response.

“I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”

Alberto’s face changed as he read what I had written. His green eyes looked sadder when they met my gaze. I could feel my tears starting to well up again.

“No, no, Luca, mio amore, please don’t feel bad. I should have checked on you earlier than I did. I got a little lost with everything going on in there. I’m sorry that I didn’t check up on you sooner...” Alberto was very protective of me. I know that the thought of me suffering while he didn’t know was absolutely crushing him. But it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t mine. It wasn’t anybody’s. I was starting to think rationally again. I shouldn’t feel sorry for having meltdowns, for being autistic, for being myself. But I should have spoken up when I started to feel uncomfortable. That’s something I need to work on, and I know I can do it as long as Alberto is with me. And he always will be.

“Is it alright if I touch you?” I know Alberto was dying to physically comfort me. It was his love language. I nodded my head yes and gave him a warm smile. He crawled over to me and I opened my arms to embrace him. I listened to his steadying heartbeat while he whispered affirmations to me and gently rubbed my back. Warm tears started to fall down my face.

God, I love this boy so much.

“Bontà, there you two are! I’ve been looking everywhere! What happ-“ Giulia’s voice got closer as she made her way down the hallway.

“Oh no, Luca... mi dispiace... I didn’t know you were- when did- where-“ She crouches down next to the two of us. Giulia, also being autistic, could tell I was in post-meltdown. She slaps her palm to her forehead and curses herself.

“Of course! I should have been more aware about- why didn’t I- are you okay?”

“Giulia,” Alberto places his hand on her shoulder. “he’s alright. Nothing that happened is your fault. Or... mine for that matter. We’re alright.”

“Can I get you guys something? A glass of water?”

I nod my head yes.

“Water sounds good, grazie, little sis.” Alberto and Giulia exchange smiles, then she leaves down the hallway, her red curls bouncing behind her.

“Luca,” Alberto cups my cheek in his hand, wiping away my tears with his thumb.

“I love you, okay? I love you so, so much. Nothing is going to change that. Please, don’t ever feel like an inconvenience. It hurts to see you like that, and I know it hurts to experience it. Please, tell me next time, Okay?”

I didn’t even need to tell him that I felt like an inconvenience. He just knew. Like I said, he knows me too well. I nod my head, and pull him back into an embrace. Alberto combs his fingers through my hair, getting rid of the tangles that I made in it earlier.

I feel lighter. I feel safe to be myself. I feel more loved than ever.

——————

that’s it! my first fic! a lot of this is me projecting onto luca (sksakdjsjjsk) but i had a lot of fun writing it! feel free to leave comments and/or constructive criticism. likes and reblogs appreciated!! :)

[drxwsyni]

Paths That Lead Home

Yandere Fae!Tooru Oikawa x f!Reader

Synopsis: In returning home for a family reunion, you’re rescued from being lost in the expansive forest behind town forever. The saviour who calls himself Tooru offers to help you make it through the night of awkward small talk and prying relatives, only for a small thing from you in exchange.

a/n: This is my part for the Lovesick server’s October collab, with the theme of Monsters & Mythical Creatures! Be sure to go give the other super awesome stories in this collab a read!!

5.2k words

Warnings + Themes: Dubcon (w/ praise, dry humping, oral [receiving]), alcohol use, stalking, implied captivity, predatory behaviour.

_____

“Have you settled down with anyone yet, dear?”

“How are your studies coming?”

“My, you look exhausted―are you getting enough sleep?”

“Have you been taking care of yourself?”

“Sweetheart, if you’d like I can introduce you to a few people―you’ve got a beautiful personality.”

• • •

God, you hated family reunions.

Somehow your relatives always managed to be so blissfully unaware at the way their words jabbed at your self esteem. Or maybe they were aware, and truly liked seeing the hints of pain flickering across your face at the intrusive and backhanded questions.

Normally you’d be able to stick it out, but tonight’s gathering had truly brought the worst of the worst. Your hometown was small, and word got around quick that a gathering was being hosted in your uncle's home. It was his fault you were being unceremoniously weighed down with such negativity.

It was his fault you had to run from it.

Maybe if he didn’t not-so-subtly wrap an arm around your shoulder, pulling you to the side and whispering, “Why don’t we go somewhere a little more private, sweetie,” you wouldn’t have fled into the forest behind the large abode.

You all but shoved the greatly unwanted attention away, feeling sick to your stomach as you sought fresh air and un-suffocating surroundings.

The sun still hung in the sky, casting a warm orange hue against the clouds as it slowly set for the night. You crossed your arms over each other, hugging your frame in an attempt to stave off the fall chill as you ventured into the forest’s clear cut path.

Ever since you were a child, the stunning natural beauty of the thick woodland area behind the town always amazed you. It offered an escape, a place to restore your innocence in losing yourself with the rustle of the trees, the breathtaking and vibrant colours of untouched nature. You’d venture down the path, and each and every time, you’d return feeling anew. Whatever ailed you upon breaking past the forest wall was casted out of your body as you happily soaked up the calming atmosphere.

Right now, it was exactly what you needed.

You were practically on the verge of tears as your feet carried you out of the house, twigs snapping underneath the soles of your shoes as you drew further away from civilization. The wind blew past you, cold stinging your eyes and making you wince as you hurried into the woodlands.

It was so easy to get lost in the passing surroundings, trees tall and nature alluringly overgrown. It looked almost ethereal, the sight pulling you deeper.

Before you knew it you’d slowed into a walking pace, heart settling in your ribcage, calmed by the refreshing air and secluded space.

But you were no longer on the trail.

Once you sensed a tinge of panic swelling in your chest, you knew it would only serve to make things more difficult, distracting you as you tried to make sense of where you were.

It was fine, you were fine. You’d explored these woods countless times when you were younger. Surely finding your way home wouldn’t be hard. Just head back the way you came, no problem.

The brisk run you took certainly did something for you, a wave of exhaustion sedating nerves that may have you breaking down under the weight of your own self hatred. For getting lost, which would never have happened if you’d refused the invite to your family reunion. Which you would’ve never received if you cut off those toxic relatives the moment you left town.

And now you were trying to go right back to it, because you couldn’t stay in this forest forever, and you’d got the relief you came for.

With the setting sun, it became increasingly tasking to discern the ground you walked upon. Your search for the narrow path yielded nothing as of yet, and you could’ve sworn that you passed by the same cluster of trees three times now.

While before you may have thought you could still be heading in the right direction, the sudden appearance of hills in your way would prove otherwise.

When you turned around, the area you came from looked quite similar, valleys of thick foliage and steep inclines.

It wasn’t reassuring, to say the least.

You had your phone, but upon closer inspection you found that there was no cell service all the way out here. In any normal case it’d just be best to stay where you were and wait for someone to find you. But these woods were greatly unknown, condensed enough where visibility was dangerously limited, and screams for help would be muffled with the bush.

Your only option was to keep moving forward, and pray that you’d find your way out somehow.

Travelling across the landscape was slow―you fearful of losing your balance on the uneven terrain. The last thing you needed was a sprained ankle, and so you treaded carefully up and down the hills. Nothing that met your eyes was recognizable. With the natural light dimming fast, you knew it wouldn’t be long before you would have to pull out the flashlight on your phone.

When your searching eyes landed upon a flickering light in the distance, you didn’t know whether the feeling of shock or gratitude was more powerful.

Almost blindly, you made your way towards the beacon of light. You watched as it grew brighter, and the closer you got, more gleaming appeared.

What you once thought was a single source was actually many smaller ones.

It was a house built into the side of a steep hill. Lanterns hung from posts and nearby trees, lining the cut walkway all the way to what must have been the front door.

In a place of seemingly unending forest, the existence of life was truly baffling.

Seeing it’s light, the warm illuminate coming from the windows and contrasting the harshness of the encroaching night—it had your feet moving before your mind could make any sense of what to do. A shaky and cold hand came up to the wooden frame of the door, prepared to inquire on whoever was living in this strange little abode.

As your knuckles rapped against it, the door pushed open with ease.

Instantly, the smell of homemade baking and the warmth of a lit fireplace washed over you. With a glance over your shoulder, it wasn’t hard to favour the welcoming atmosphere of this strange home over the foreboding and thick woodlands behind you.

In turning back to the front entrance, you peaked your head in before stepping through the threshold. “Hello? Is anybody home?”

Silence continued to hang in the air as you ventured further, curious eyes swiping over the visible rooms. You ended up in what you assumed was a living room, finding the place to be authentically rustic. Wooden furniture, cozy knit blankets and shiny lit candle sconces hanging off the walls.

The home was quite honestly breathtaking, such a cozy environment. It made you wonder who could be living h—

“It’s been quite some time since I’ve had visitors.”

The sudden smooth voice came from behind you, prompting you to startlingly turn its direction. At a loss for words, because you’d blatantly trespassed onto someone’s property, and they’d caught you in the act, you stared wide eyed at the man before you.

Brown hair, matching the colour of his eyes, tall and fit, his long sleeve shirt that was rolled up to the elbows being tight enough to highlight his lean frame along with dark denim jeans―overall dressed quite nicely for living in the middle of nowhere. He was regarding you with an almost playful look, confusing you as you’d expect him to be downright appalled at your unwarranted intrusion.

The man awaited an answer for a few seconds, and in finding you still speechless, he let out a light chuckle. “Perhaps I should introduce myself—you can call me Tooru. I suppose you’re quite lost, little wanderer?”

He slowly drew closer, taking cautious steps, moreso to not scare you off.

His approach did break you out of your stupor, and suddenly there was no filter on the words tumbling from your lips. “Oh, god. I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude or anything. It’s just I went too far into the forest and I couldn’t find my way home and then out of nowhere I found this place. I should’ve never just walked in but the door was open, and I called out to see if anyone was here but—”

“It’s alright, it’s alright. No need to fret, I’m not upset—quite the opposite in fact. These woods are dangerous, you were lucky to have found my home before nightfall, dear.”

Nervously, you toyed with the ends of your sleeves, opening your mouth to apologize further.

But he had other ideas.

An inquisitive look crossed his strikingly handsome face, “You seem troubled, perhaps I could ease your mind?”

Dismissively, you waved your hands. “N-No, I’m fine, really. Just concerned with finding my way back is all…”

That gleaming smile returned to his face, “Oh well I knew that, cutie. I was talking about something else—what made you come into these woods.”

Still standing in the place he found you, you watched as Tooru walked past and took a seat on the couch. He patted the spot next to him.

A slight crease formed between your brows at the proposition. “It doesn’t really matter, it’s kind of stupid to be honest, so…”

“Don’t be silly, it has to be serious if it had you fleeing into the forest.”

The comment made you pause for a second, because you never told him you ran away. But, judging by your disheveled appearance, and how panicked you were in general, the assumption was technically understandable.

Before you could question it, Tooru spoke up once again.

“Tell you what, cutie. I’ll make you a deal—you explain to me why you ended up here, and in return I’ll help you get home.”

Now, you questioned his sanity more than you questioned your own. “That’s hardly fair, I mean...what do you get out of that.”

Quite comfortably, the man leaned into the couch, legs spread and head tilted back ever so slightly. He gave a small shrug of his shoulders, “Your company, it’s lonely out here after all, and I don’t think I wanna see you off just yet.”

At that, you realized that without his help, the odds of you getting home were slim to none. If all it took to get back was some idle chit chat, then so be it.

With a respectful distance between the two of your bodies, you sat down onto the cushiony couch. Hands folded on your lap, you began reciting the ailments of the night to his strange request.

Tooru listened patiently as you went on, gently encouraging you to keep going when you felt shy under his gaze. At the times you felt you were oversharing, he only reassured you that you were doing everything but the sort. It was the deal, after all.

Almost thirty minutes had gone by, you detailing the detestment you held for your relatives, what they’d said and why it was entirely offensive and unwarranted. How you’d escaped into the expansive forest once you reached your breaking point, remembering how the atmosphere always used to calm you when you were upset as a child. Maybe you rambled a bit too much at your appreciation for the entrancing backwoods, but Tooru didn’t seem to mind in the slightest.

If anything, you could almost see a hint of genuine warmth flash across his features as you noted how you admired the natural and effortless beauty of the place. How it seemed to overflow with tranquility, and that you were immensely thankful it remained untouched for so long.

By the time you were done, Tooru was forced to hide the intense swell in his heart at your innocent adoration for the forest he watched over.

You hadn’t changed one bit...

He was devastated the day he learnt you had moved out of town, fearing the worst for your impressionable little self. Tooru only knew you as the young girl who would frolic in the forest to and fro using the path he built so you wouldn’t get lost. Before he could do anything about the growing obsession he had, you slipped right through his fingertips.

He was so sure if you ever did return, that hopeful gleam in your eyes would be turned dull. But here you were, sitting right next to him, only thanks to him subtly scooting closer. Telling him all about how much you found solace in the woodlands, like he didn’t already know that fact in great detail.

The fae sensed your energy the moment you stepped foot past the tree line almost an hour ago, like his own personal breath of fresh air.

He regarded your bashful face at how you once again unintentionally rambled. Tooru wasn’t complaining in the slightest, since the reason you’d returned to him also served as the perfect opening.

“Well, in any case I know you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Such a shame how hurtful people can be.”

Averting your eyes and instead focusing on the lit fireplace, you responded. “I’m guessing most of them just don’t realize what they’re saying is hurtful. But even then―my uncle really couldn’t be any more creepy.” You laughed off the admission, even though the reality had a nervousness stirring inside of you.

“Hmm, I think you just need a little something to ward them off. Why don’t I sweeten the pot a little?” Tooru leaned forward, suddenly much more seriously engaged. “I’ll head home with you tonight, get them off your back. It’d be weird if you left and never returned, and there’s no way you’re going to survive the night if your family acts as nasty as you say they do. I only need one small thing in return, it’s a good deal if you ask me!” While the offer sounded very enticing, him knowing just as much as you that his presence would certainly fend off much unwanted attention, the last part did unnerve you.

“What exactly do you want?”

Tooru stood up from his spot, holding out a hand for you to take. “That’s a surprise for later, my dear. I promise it will be worth it, what do you say?”

Unsure, you hesitated to accept him. But the fearful emotions of throwing yourself right back into the cesspool of prying family members was powerful. Tooru seemed like a good man―he didn’t freak out in finding you uninvited in his home, nor did he push you away when he found you were quite clearly distraught. He was offering to help you make it out of this god forsaken family reunion alive, and only for an apparent small price. Although you didn’t exactly know what that price was, the part of you dreading what would happen should you return alone was more than willing to take your chances.

Gingerly, your smaller hand took hold of his, letting him help you up from your seat.

Quite pleased with your reaction, Tooru took the unspoken agreement and gave you a reassuring smile.

“Perfect, let's get going then.”

_____

The music playing around you seemed like a distant noise, reverberating through the room but not really being something you could focus on. Not when you were so wrapped up both mentally and physically in the way Tooru had you held against him. He spun you to the beat of the song a couple times, his smile wide at the way you carelessly giggled at the action.

Since the both of you returned to the reunion, which by now had turned into a small party, you’d certainly had more than a few drinks.

Neither of you seemed to mind, as your newfound caretaker only facilitated your energy.

In seeing you with this man who was certainly more than easy on the eyes, your once greatly offensive relatives suddenly were behaving the exact opposite as they once had. Most of them left you alone in fact.

Keyword: most.

As the upbeat song came to an end, Tooru could tell you were growing quite tired. He was a great dance partner after all, and it genuinely felt like a workout to keep up with his stylish moves. In an eased motion, he pulled you back into his chest, leaning down to speak into your ear as another song began playing over the speakers.

“How ‘bout we take a break, huh pretty girl?”

With a gentle and reassuring squeeze of your hip, you somewhat mindlessly went along with the suggestion, nodding in response and letting him lead you away from the dance floor. Granted, the ‘dance floor’ was just the outside patio, large enough to serve the purpose as it was no secret your uncle had the wealth to own such a large estate. Tooru kept your hand in his as you both made your way back into the home.

At least you were doing that, until the host of the party, owner of the house and irritatingly touchy uncle that served as the main force which drove you away once tonight stepped into your path.

“Hey there, sweet pea. Where ya headed to?” It was clear he too wasn’t anywhere near sober, the stumble in his step, along with the beer bottle in his hand giving him away.

Before you could answer, Tooru made a point in gently pushing you behind him.

The consideration warmed your heart―but maybe it was just the booze.

“Just taking my girl inside, excuse us.” He made a point to step around your uncle, only to get a warning in the form of a sweaty hand on his shoulder.

Your uncle pushed him back slightly. “Now hold on there, I wanna talk to my niece.”

“And she doesn’t want to talk to you, fucking pervert.”

While your reaction was a little delayed, your uncle’s certainly was not.

He reared his arm back, the one with the bottle in hand. “Why, you little―” As he swung the makeshift glass weapon, a look of pure shock cemented in his features as Tooru gripped the man’s wrist in one hand, still holding your’s with the other.

You hadn’t a clue what Tooru was doing, but somehow the defensive act brought your uncle to his knees. He let out a wordless scream, dropping the beer bottle and letting it shatter against the stone patio.

“She’s not your anything, you’re nothing to her. Just a creepy piece of shit old man―got it?”

He tried wrenching his arm from Tooru’s grip, but it didn’t budge an inch. “The fuck? You her boyfriend or somethin’? Let her decide for her damn se―”

With a particularly harsh twist, you hear something pop in your uncle's arm, before Tooru let him crumple to the ground. You couldn’t even make a single move to stop what was unfolding, the tight grip Tooru had on your own hand a deterrent enough.

With senses still dulled with the influence of countless drinks, you weren’t sure whether to be horrified or relieved that your uncle was getting what he deserved.

The scowl across Tooru’s face as he sneered down at the pathetic man was blood chillingly harsh. “She means more to me than she’ll ever mean to you―that’s all that matters.”

With that, you stayed tormented with conflicted thoughts as you were pulled away from the party. Tooru kept his hold on you firm, unrelenting as he pushed past your relatives and finally away from the house.

At the tree line, right where the path you went down earlier tonight started, you finally tugged at his hand. “S-Stop, Tooru..” It came out as more of a whine, backed up by the way your feet dug into the ground.

He halted abruptly, turning to face you, causing you to lightly crash into him. You could feel his amused chuckle vibrate in his chest, no signs of whatever deeply unpleased vice that once held him still existing now that the two of you were alone.

“Night’s not over yet, cutie. Gotta take you home, we made a deal remember?”

Placing your hands against his broad frame, you pushed yourself away from him, which wasn’t very far when his arms were securely wrapped around your waist. “But, m-my uncle. He looked hurt…”

Slender fingers held your chin, tilting your head up so that your glassy eyes met his soft brown ones.

“He’s fine, don’t worry your pretty little head over that, alright? Just let me look after you for now.”

You knew he was talking about the way you were nearly falling over under the influence, but it didn’t stop the frustrated look from forming on your expression. The way he so casually brushed off how he effortlessly laid out your uncle didn’t sit right with you.

Quite tenderly, Tooru switched to cup your face, thumb absentmindedly swiping across your cheekbone. “You look so cute when you pout like that.”

To his declaration, you pouted more.

Not before a quick pinch of your cheek, Tooru swiftly scooped you up bridal style, starting down the path of the forest. The sudden action made you squeal in surprise, not expecting the sheer strength he exhibited. It was like you weighed nothing more than a feather, him playfully hoisting you further into his arms.

“Hey! Put me down, I can walk jus’ fine!”

He kept his entertained gaze fixed ahead as he responded. “Not gonna happen, just enjoy the ride, we’ll be home before you know it.”

In a final attempt, you annoyingly and weakly pawed against his chest.

“Quite your squirming, it won’t get you anywhere, little wanderer.” Pointedly, you felt his arms constrict around you, effectively pinning you against him, as if you weren’t already stuck before.

A deep and tired sigh escaped your lips. “S’not my home, whatever…”

Having resigned to his will, you slumped against him.

Tooru’s lips quirked up into something a little less soft, more mischievous. Eyes glinting in the moonlight, if not a little brighter now that he was going home.

Not that you saw, having closed your own in favour of a small cat nap while he carried you away from the stresses of the night.

_____

It’s been maybe an hour or so since you decided that you were grateful for not just the way Tooru handled your repulsive relative, but really for spending the whole night with you in general. From making sure you weren’t lost in the forest forever, to playing the dutiful knight, and now, how he was so hospitably entertaining you back in his home―Tooru really did feel like a dream come true.

He was charmingly charismatic, held an almost innate concern for you, honestly making you regret how once you sobered up, you’d have to part for your return back to your own home in the city.

But right now, that’s not what you wanted to think about.

Especially not when you were so comfortable, unable to remember at what point you clambered your way into his lap on the couch, but not really caring. Tooru looked at you like you were the sun, stars and moon, and you returned that gaze through dazed eyes and wetted lashes.

More tears pricked as you straddled his hips, intaking a sharp breath as his mouth slotted against yours once again before he lightly nipped at your bottom lip. It wasn’t the first time he’d done that tonight, you having been in this position for quite some time now.

That didn’t stop Tooru from greedily pulling you closer, fingers digging into your hips as you unconsciously ground against him, a familiar warm sensation budding inside you.

“Such a pretty little thing, you are.” He leant in for a chaste kiss, leaving you wanting more as he pulled away once again. “So goddamn pretty.”

A high pitched whimper tumbled from your lips as your hips picked up a shaky pace, dragging your clothed heat back and forth. Tooru let his hands slide down your body and under the hem of your dress, you shuddering at the heat of his palms when he pushed the fabric up, returning his grip to your bare hips. Still dangerously intoxicated, you didn’t mind the way he pulled and pushed you down on his hardened length in the slightest.

Speaking in between the small kisses he was leaving across your jawline, his breath had goosebumps rising on your skin. “Feel what you do to me?” Tooru met your movements by grinding up against you, the harsh fabric of his jeans pressing against your sensitive clit and earning a mewl from you.

“So needy for me, aren’t you?”

He let out an airy snicker, seeing your desperate expression as he lifted your hips up just enough so that your bodies weren’t touching. His strength was unrelenting as you tried to keep moving.

“Ah, ah, ah. Not yet―first, you hold up your end of the deal―” Tooru leaned forward, whispering in a low and teasing tone, “―and then I’ll give you what you want.”

He was right, you really were needy, because the question of your obligation came out almost instantly. “Please, whatever you want, it’s yours.”

Before answering, Tooru gave pause to land a soft kiss right under your ear.

“Tell me your name, pretty girl.”

A bout of confusion washed over you, causing you to pull back. You regarded him with curious eyes.

“...That’s it?”

The wordless encouragement of the reassuring smile he gave you didn’t do much to ease you.

“That’s it.”

Tooru was clearly waiting for an answer.

Meanwhile, you pondered why this moment spurred a distant and nearly forgotten memory. Maybe it was the strange glint in his eyes, but a moment of clarity washed over you at an all too familiar event.

Back in your old home in the very town you were subjected to travel to for the reunion tonight. When your grandma would scold you as a child for venturing too far into the woodlands you were currently so deep in. A bedtime story that you tried not to take seriously, because part of you knew it was just meant to scare you into submission.

Tales of monsters that looked like humans. Mischievous beings who prayed on innocence, hiding in the forest and luring people deeper. Promises of a better life just being a clever play of words, twisted to hide the true meaning.

“Nasty creatures indeed, my dear. Once they get you, we’ll never see you again. You don’t want that to happen, right? You’ll get snatched up, lost in their games of power when you least expect it, and it’ll leave us devastated. You wouldn’t be so selfish, let those tricky things without a soul take you from us. You’re smarter than that, I’m sure…”

Those warnings instilled fear into the hearts of your peers, their parents and elders telling them the tried and true tale.

Not for you though.

Back into the thick of the bush you would go, and you’d return every time. Just like tonight, you thought you were lost, but even then you found your way home.

While you reminisced, Tooru’s hand drifted lower, playing with the waistband of your panties. The light brushing against your skin brought you back.

“Why do you need my name?”

When Tooru hesitated to give an immediate reply, a voice resembling the cautionary tone of your grandma’s warned of danger to be had in his presence.

Yet with his words, the concern for wariness vanished.

“Well, I think it’s obvious―” In a swift motion, Tooru brought your clothed heat back down, need stirring inside of you and building once again, “―that you’re staying the night.”

“And…” Careful, so as not to startle you, he laid you down on the couch, taking his place above you. “...You know my name, so you know what you’ll be screaming later.”

Nimble fingers hiked up your dress even further, you remaining wantonly complacent as he left a trail of kisses down your stomach.

You felt your body flush with heat, squirming as he slowly made his way lower, peppering every inch of your skin with equal amounts of attention.

Tooru gave you a look filled to the brim with lust, one that was dark, but that fact only made you want to clench your thighs together if he wasn’t holding them apart. “Don’t you think it’s fair that I know the same for you?”

The way his gaze flickered to the wet spot forming on your panties, that cocky smirk he held in knowing just how much he was affecting you made you feel restless.

He began littering the inside of your thighs with small marks, latching on to spots here and there before stopping completely.

“Your name, and then I’ll make you feel better than you’ve ever felt before.”

Lower lip quivering, you wracked your mind in a final moment of decision making. But as his thumb slipped beneath the thin fabric, a soft pad pressing down on your bundle of nerves, there really wasn’t anything you could do to hold back.

“(Y/n).”

For a second, neither of you moved. But Tooru was a man of his word, and you’d been so good for him.

He didn’t want to waste any more time than necessary. Not after all these years of waiting for you to come home.

“Oh…” Leaning up, his fingers hooked under the waistband of your thin covering, whispering smoothly. “(y/n), (y/n), (y/n)...”

Perhaps it was just your inebriated mind playing tricks on you, but as Tooru slowly and teasingly removed your panties, eyeing the string of arousal that clung to the fabric, it seemed like he was nearly glowing. Yet, you didn’t really care, passing it off as the flickering light of the fireplace, much more concerned with the way his hands glided up your bare legs, parting them with a firm grip.

Tantalizingly so, he dipped back down to your heat, watching as you clenched around nothing when his breath fanned against it.

Finally, his tongue delved in between your folds, dragging a long and languid stripe up and causing your breath to hitch. He let out his own groan of relief, the taste of you flooding his mouth, being the sweetest nectar to ever grace his senses.

Now it was his turn to look up at you through beautifully long lashes.

Tooru soaked up the way you waited patiently for him to keep going, behaving so well for him, being exactly where he wanted you to be. Melting right into his hands, in his home, where nobody would ever find you―deep in the territory of his forest.

So compliant, not even realizing the deciding moment of your fate, naively and unknowingly giving yourself up to him.

It was only fair that he rewarded you for such good behaviour tonight. Over and over again, until you’d be begging for him to stop.

You failed to notice how his eyes lit up, swirling with newfound power, and all because of you.

“Just relax, (y/n). I’ll take good care of you.”

[earliebirb]

say your name like a prayer

steve/tony, au: mob, hurt/comfort, established relationship, 3005 words

From behind him, Steve hears the sound of the door opening and closing. 

He dog-ears a page from the book he was reading to mark his spot, but otherwise doesn’t bother getting up from his chair or turning around to look. There are only three people in the world that can enter a room with Steve Rogers inside without knocking and leave unscathed.

At the moment, one of them is already inside the room with him. The remaining two are the only people that can make it through the twenty-five men Steve has stationed throughout the hospital floor, the only two people on the clearance list approved by him.

Three people, if one were to count Helen Cho, the doctor Steve has personally handpicked to oversee everything. 

After all, Steve wouldn’t leave Tony’s care in the hands of just anybody. Helen is unfalteringly loyal to him—has been, ever since Steve took her under his wing ten years ago and paid off her family’s debts. 

Only a select number of people are aware of her true loyalties, of course.

The rest of the hospital staff won’t be able to make it through his men without thorough searching and his explicit permission, barring any medical emergencies.

Stationing his men throughout the floor wasn’t difficult to set up, considering the fact that his men have infiltrated various institutions, his network stretching over almost every single industry imaginable, including the medical field. 

“I brought you the extra blankets you asked for.”

“Leave them on the armchair by the door,” Steve orders, eyes fixated on the motion of his own thumb, moving in repeated one-way strokes across the ridges of Tony’s knuckles.

He hears some quiet shuffling, but when he doesn’t hear the sound of the door being opened and closed, he asks, “And why aren’t you leaving?”

Thumb not once faltering in its methodical stroking, Steve’s eyes travel up Tony’s wrist. His gaze lingers on the ugly mottles of black and blue forming a loosely connected ring around its circumference. Both of Tony’s wrists had been tied behind his back, rope pulled tight with enough force to bruise. 

“Boss— Steve. People are starting to talk. It’s been some time since you attended a meeting. They think you’re… unwell. I’m afraid further absence will cause something bigger than just flimsy rumors. I think it’s time that—”

His thumb stills.

“Get out,” he says, and to people who are not familiar with him, his voice is low enough to be mistaken as a request.

Bucky knows better, though. Should know better.

Steve is not asking.

“Steve—” Bucky tries anyway, and Steve clenches his jaw.

“Barnes,” he barks out.

Steve hears his right hand man immediately go quiet at the invocation of his last name, the very usage of it a scalding reprehension that kills any argument he might have thought to bring forward.

“I’ve made it very clear that in my absence you are to act as my proxy, have I not?” Steve asks, speech measured. 

“Yes, Boss.”

“Then that’s all you need to worry about.” Steve goes quiet after that, letting his answer sink in. The pregnant silence stretches out for a few moments, the air between them growing almost suffocating with tension. “Now, if you don’t have anything actually important to talk about, leave.”

Steve stares at the frail figure lying on the hospital bed, looking even smaller than usual in a loose-fitting hospital gown. Tony’s pallid complexion and state of restful sleep are even more jarring when juxtaposed with his usual lively demeanor—full of vigor and always ready with a witty remark. His right eye is a dark blue and purple mess, swollen shut. Sutures hold together a cut on the left corner of his upper lip.

This is everything he never wanted. His biggest fear materializing right before his own two eyes.

This is exactly what Steve had warned Tony of. Once Tony was in, he was in for the long haul. There was no going back from this, no ordinary life to return to once he was well and truly involved with Steve.

When Steve had voiced his concerns, Tony kissed him in lieu of a reply. 

Because Steve had always been weak and selfish when it came to Tony, he decided to keep him. He decided right there and then, that if he didn’t have the strength to turn Tony away, then he would pour his everything into protecting Tony instead. 

Clearly, his everything wasn’t enough. Maybe it would never be enough. Perhaps, in some ways, this outcome has always been inevitable. 

That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t make Steve’s blood boil and his bile threaten to rise up to his throat.  

Heart twisting with worry, he closes his eyes. He inhales and holds his breath, trying his best to focus on the slow and steady beeping of the EKG machine in the background, like the room’s own heartbeat. 

A grounding reminder that Tony is still alive and breathing. That he is safe now, right in front of Steve, within arm’s reach.

“You’re disturbing his rest,” Steve says, clipped tone brooking no further argument. 

It takes a minute, but eventually Bucky does leave. 

Steve gets up to gather the blankets on the armchair. He covers Tony’s body with one of the blankets, providing an extra layer of warmth on top of the sheets already covering him, making sure to leave Tony’s arms resting on top of the layers. He wraps another blanket around Tony’s bare feet, hoping it would keep them warm. He knows how much Tony hates having cold feet. 

“Sorry for the intrusion, sweetheart.” He leans down to press a kiss to Tony’s bandaged forehead, careful and tender. Sitting down in his chair, he opens the paperback copy of 1984 to the previously dog-eared page. He keeps the book open with one hand while the other takes hold of Tony’s, squeezing it to feel what little warmth is left to comfort him. 

“Now, where were we?”

***

Sixteen days since he was admitted into the hospital, Tony wakes up.

He comes to gradually, eyes opening and closing periodically. The first time Steve catches Tony opening his eyes, he struggles to breathe through the wave of sheer relief and calls out Tony’s name with his heart in his throat. Tony gives him no reply, blinks once, twice, and drifts back into sleep. 

Tony continues to slip in and out of consciousness for what seems like eternity.

Throughout it all, Steve never lets go of his hand.

Hours later, Tony lets out his first coherent word in over two weeks:

“Steve?” Tony’s voice is more breath than sound.

“I’m here, sweetheart,” Steve whispers, a tight knot loosening in his chest. He squeezes Tony’s hand reassuringly. 

Tony blinks wordlessly at Steve, looking like he is trying to map Steve’s features with his eyes. The bandage around his head has been removed a few days prior, allowing Steve to brush his hair away from his forehead with the knuckles of his fingers.

At this, Tony swallows. He blinks once more, slow and languid, before closing his eyes with a weary sigh and falling back asleep. 

The next time Tony regains consciousness, he spends some time looking his fill of Steve before registering his surroundings, eyes darting around the room.

“Where?” he croaks.

“Hospital,” Steve answers. Tony takes in the answer quietly.

“Steve,” Tony says. “I’m tired.” 

“Go back to sleep, sweetheart.” Steve lifts Tony’s hand, holding it against his own face. The warmth of Tony’s calloused palm seeps into Steve’s cheek, solid and comforting.

The lines of Tony’s face soften almost imperceptibly, brown eyes gazing at him softly.

“Steve,” he breathes, eyelids growing heavy.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t leave.”

Steve swallows around a lump in his throat and turns to press a long kiss to the center of Tony’s palm.

“I won’t, sweetheart. I’ll stay right here,” he promises. 

Sometime during the long hours of his continuous effort to remain vigilant, Steve’s exhaustion catches up to him and without meaning to, he falls asleep.

***

At first, Steve thinks he is still dreaming in his sleep. He had fallen asleep with his cheek against the sheets, hand holding Tony’s. The next thing he registers in his slow drift back to consciousness is the feeling of fingers carding through his hair repeatedly. He squeezes his eyes shut, determined to stay asleep.

Then he feels the same fingers wander down to his unkempt beard and he hears an amused huff of breath.

The pad of a thumb presses the corner of his mouth gently. “I know you’re awake.”

Steve stills. Ever so slowly, he lets his eyes flutter open. It takes him a while to convince himself that Tony is indeed wide awake and that the fingers on his face are very much warm and real.

When he straightens up in his seat, his back muscles protest after having been bent at an unnatural angle for the past few hours in his slumber.

“Hey there, Sleeping Beauty.” Tony’s soft smile greets him, eyes crinkling at the corners. Steve stares at him with wide, unblinking eyes and finds it impossible to return his smile. 

“You’re awake,” he says instead, voice gravelly with the last remnants of sleep. Tony looks significantly better, like life has flooded back into him. Absently, Steve notes the new presence of a glass of water on the hospital nightstand, a straw sitting in it.

“Since around two hours ago. Helen even came by to check up on me.”

Steve bristles. “Why didn’t—”

“Shhh. It’s okay.” Tony’s fingers curl around his wrist, giving it a gentle squeeze and killing Steve’s anger before it has a chance to rise. “I told her not to wake you.”

“You look dead on your feet, Steven,” Tony says. Steve’s chest grows tight at the familiar way in which Tony says his full given name, a soft and fond cadence to his voice that turns the word into a personal form of endearment.

Tony’s brown eyes are fraught with worry. It’s all ridiculously outrageous but so painfully Tony. He has only been awake for a few hours and already treating his own condition with well-practiced flippancy, worrying about Steve like Steve is the one who just woke up from a two-week-long coma.

Steve’s mouth twists. He swallows audibly, eyebrows furrowing in an effort to stave off the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. He directs his blurry gaze down at the hospital bed, upset and ashamed.

Tony’s fingers slide over his fist, which Steve has just realized is clenched tight around a handful of bed sheets, knuckles turning white.

“I’m here, my darling. I’m right here. I’m okay.” 

Unable to hold back for another second, Steve stands up and gathers Tony in his arms carefully, mindful of his injuries. He lets out a long and relieved breath before pressing kisses to the crown of his head. Tony buries his face in the crook of Steve’s neck and inhales deeply.

“You stay. You stay right here,” Steve chokes, voice splintering.

“Not going anywhere,” Tony murmurs, pressing a kiss to the column of Steve’s throat. He slips his hands under Steve’s shirt, fingers gliding across his ribs, inches away from where he knows the initials of his own name are tattooed vertically down Steve’s breastbone. 

“Is it just me or did you lose weight? Have you been eating properly? And don’t even try lying to me ‘cause you know I can totally ask Bucky or Sam and they’ll tell me the truth, Rogers.”

Steve’s hand slides up to cradle the back of Tony’s head. Tony is warm, he is so much warmer now. Tony is okay. He presses another grateful kiss into Tony’s hair, eyes shut in silent prayer to whatever deity is kind enough to deliver Tony back to him.

“I’m never letting you go anywhere without my men ever again,” Steve whispers. 

Tony huffs, leaning back to look up at Steve and trusting Steve’s hand to take the weight of his head. “I’m okay, sweetheart. I’m right here, with you. Besides, no one saw it coming, okay? It’s not—”

Tony breaks off abruptly with a soft grunt, hand reaching up in an aborted motion to touch his own head. Steve pulls back in alarm.

“Sweetheart? What’s wrong?” Steve hears his own voice turning even more hushed, panic wrapping tight like a vice around his vocal chords. “Do I need to call Helen? Hold on, I’ll—”

Tony catches his arm before he can press the button to alert the hospital staff, bringing it down. 

“Does it hurt, Tony? Tell me the truth.”

Tony shakes his head, eyes closed, eyebrows furrowed. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes,” Tony breathes. He leans forward to rest his forehead against Steve’s shoulder. Steve hears him inhaling deeply before letting the air leave his lungs in one long and tremulous sigh.

“Let me get Helen just in case—”

“I’m fine,” Tony says breathlessly, pulling back with his eyes still closed, “just let me catch my breath.”

“Okay. Okay. Get some rest.” Steve plants one last kiss to his temple before sitting back down in his chair, hand holding Tony’s. “If anything hurts, tell me.”

Tony nods and continues to focus on taking deep, long breaths, sinking back into his pillow. Eventually, he swallows, eyelids fluttering open again. He lets his head loll slightly off to the side on the pillow, eyes roving over Steve’s face.

“I suppose I shouldn’t ask what happened to the people that took me?”

For a split second, something cold and hard lodges itself in the pit of Steve’s stomach and his grip on Tony’s hand tightens ever so slightly. He concentrates on the sight of Tony’s kind, brown eyes trained on him and the cold subsides, warmth trickling back in. He brings Tony’s hand up to his mouth.

“Yeah,” he whispers, lips brushing Tony’s knuckles, “you probably shouldn’t.”

He doesn’t say what Tony already knows—that he would give Tony every single detail of what he has done to them without even a moment’s hesitation if Tony really did want to know. Steve will tell him anything and everything he wants to know, because he keeps no secrets from Tony. 

Tony studies him for a long moment. Steve is unable to make out the thoughts running through Tony’s head, but his eyes stay warm and kind as they gaze at Steve through the companionable silence. When Tony pulls his hand away from Steve’s grip, it is to tuck a lock of Steve’s long and overgrown blond hair behind his ear.

Something shifts in his honey-brown eyes, like a puzzle piece sliding into place, and his hand cups Steve’s cheek, palm pressing against the bristles of Steve’s beard.

“Climb into bed,” Tony says. “You need to rest and I need to be held.” 

Steve ends up holding Tony close as he sleeps, arm secure around his waist. Contentment washes over him as he indulges in the warmth of Tony’s back pressed up against his chest. He takes his time in trailing light kisses from the back of Tony’s ear down to his nape, ending with a reverent kiss to the eagle tattooed on the back of Tony’s neck—a well-known insignia bestowed only to the inner circle members of Steve’s organization.

Tony’s tattoo has a distinctive characteristic that distinguishes itself from the eagle tattoos given to the other members. Whereas the eagle tattoos decorating the necks of the other inner circle members are simply black in color, the wings of Tony’s eagle have red and gold feathers interspersed with the black. It was an idea proposed by their resident tattoo artist, Clint, intended as an extra measure of protection.

Most people in Brooklyn and the surrounding boroughs know to look out for the eagle insignia, because it is in their best interests to avoid an altercation with one of the Captain’s inner circle people. 

People also know, however, to look out for the eagle with red and gold feathers in particular, because finding someone with that symbol tattooed on the back of their neck means you are dealing with the Tony Stark, and messing with Tony Stark is a guaranteed death sentence.

Everyone knows you don’t touch the Captain’s beloved. 

Still, Steve thinks grimly, some idiots try.

Sam and Bucky had offered to finish them off for Steve, but as far as Steve is concerned, people who don’t possess the common sense to not lay a finger on Tony don’t deserve the mercy of a swift death.

Steve knew that he needed to deal with them himself, for his own peace of mind. 

So, he had brought out the toolbox—the one he usually only brings out for special occasions—and spent a few gratifying hours in a secluded warehouse with the two men who had orchestrated Tony’s abduction. From pliers to knives of varying sizes, he took his time to find out which ones worked best, which tools were the most effective in eliciting screams from the men. With his own two hands, he made sure that they paid for their sins.

Maybe he shouldn’t, but he finds comfort in the thought of those dismembered corpses sinking down to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

In his line of work, Steve has cultivated a moral compass of his own. He has always marched to the beat of his own drum, other people be damned.

He is definitely not going to start developing scruples now, and especially not for protecting the one thing that he can’t live without—the only person on earth whose thoughts and well-being he puts before himself, before everything else.

With his power and status, there are no guarantees in the life he leads. Loyalties are fickle and ever-changing. Rules are bent and broken. Lives are lost on a near daily basis. 

Well, no guarantees but one: Tony Stark will always come first. No matter what, no matter who, no matter when. 

Always.

Even if Steve had to burn down the entire world to keep him safe and sound.

[defenderrosetyler]

APAHS Chapter 6

AN: Chapter 6 has arrived! I love all of your guys feedback it really makes my day ^_^ No real warnings this time I think..... WC: 2,221 Beta thanks to the wonderful @flamencodiva and dividers by @winchest09​ Storybrooke

“What do you mean you want an engagement ring? Hasn’t Samuel gifted you with one?” Rowena asks Ruby, closing her loan payment ledger. Yes, it was only lunchtime, but there were a few payments that had rolled in. Ruby scoffed, crossing her arms as she tossed her hair over her shoulders. “As if, he has yet again tried to throw me out onto the streets. Both of our names are on that lease. I won’t let him kick me out. I do care for him despite what the town thinks.”

Letting out a hum of thought, the red-headed loan shark headed to her back room. Looking through her drawers of things her debtors had used as a pawn of sorts to help pay off their loan. Finding the jewel she’d been looking for, with a smirk she headed back to the front of the store and placed the ring in Ruby’s hand. The ring was a thin silver band, in the middle sat a bright white diamond, on either side of the large gem, however, sat two bright sapphires. Rowena hadn’t even asked Ruby’s ring size, but this ring she’d grabbed fit her hand perfectly. “Oh, Rowena, it's beautiful,” Ruby smirked wickedly, “Sam is mine, I’m not about to let him get wrapped around another woman’s finger. Despite what people think, I do care for Sam, and I’m going to prove who he belongs to.” 

Across town, Y/N was occupied, and in pain. After explaining to Amaya her situation with needing more work to keep up her payments, both women had agreed to work at the Queen’s Court inside the Rabbit Hole. This wasn’t the kind of work she had in mind, but what choice did she have. There wasn’t anything else she could do. There was the option of agreeing to marry Rowena’s son, Crowley, but that was a hard pass. She’d rather rot in hell before agreeing to be his bride. As she finished her routine, under the name  White Swan, Y/N groaned, spotting Crowley standing at the employee’s entrance. “Y/N, sweetheart, can’t we just talk?” He asks. “Crowley, can’t you go sit in those crummy cars you sell? I’m sure the carbon monoxide would knock you out faster than living alone,” She snapped. Partly from seeing him, the other from the uncomfortableness of her heels. Walking and dancing in 6-inch heels when you’ve never done it before? Not the best thing to do.

The businessman lets out a sigh of resentment. “It's just a conversation, not a marriage proposal” He tries again. “Crowley, I’m sure there's a woman in Storybrooke who is better suited for your needs than myself. I can find ways to pay your mother back. I’m not about to just give up now” She says, brushing past him to go change. It had been a long, exhausting day, and all Y/N wanted to do was go home. Crowley left with a sigh, nodding to Ruby who stood at the street corner, waiting for Y/N to come out. Y/N groans spotting Ruby, muttering her name under her breath. “Well well, if it isn’t the little duckie coming out of the pond?” Ruby teased, making sure her left hand was in full view. The light from above catches on the gems. “Ruby, I really don’t want…” her voice trailed off seeing the ring. “Is that?” Ruby smirked, “My engagement ring from Sam? Oh yes, proposed last night after he got home. Guess he couldn’t wait any longer. He really does love me deep down, you know.” “That’s not how I understood it. He keeps trying to kick you out.” Y/N argues, trying to hold back her tears.  

Ruby scoffed, crossing her arms as she glared at Y/N, “couples fight, duckie.” She licked her lips, “you would know if you ever had a man. Let’s face it, you’re too ugly for any man to ever want you.” Ruby noticed Crowley watching them, a sly smile on her lips, “Crowley must be desperate if he’s going for you. You know, his mom is almost as rich as Gold. Too bad you’ll always be down in the dirt, like the ugly duckling you are.” “Why don’t you just leave me alone Ruby.” Y/N scoffed, “Surely you must have something better to do?” 

Brushing past her, Y/N turns to head back into the Rabbit Hole, spotting Crowley sitting at the bar. “About dinner…”

----- Enchanted Forest “Making me do all your work? What kind of witch are you anyway. You’ve got the girl, why can’t we just take over her kingdom instead of the Winchesters?” Crowley snarled at his mother as he grabbed his clothes. “Because they banished me for just a wee bit of magic. It's not like I was planning to kill anybody” Rowena says with a shrug, looking through the spellbooks she’d had Crowley sneak in and grab for her. Well, the one’s that King John hadn’t destroyed by putting them into a fiery blaze the day she was banished. “Mother, we both know you wanted Queen Mary killed, force yourself into King John’s bed till you were pregnant and solidified an heir.” This made Rowena blink. Her son was smarter than he looked, and minor details didn’t slip past him usually. 

“Perhaps.” She says not confirming or denying her son’s allegations against her. Grabbing the final ingredient, tossing it into the black cauldron, she sighed, grabbing a ladle and portioned out the vials. “This will be the third batch this week. Are you sure you're making it right?” Crowley asks, arms crossed against his chest. Rowena’s dark jade eyes glare at him. “It’s a slow process. Can’t do it all at once.” “You said that after the first batch. I’ve been sneaking around, trying to not get caught, yet here you are making me risk my neck for you.” The red head sighed frustrated, “You know that Castle, as well as I do, Crowley. You know how to remain hidden and unseen. Only a fool would get caught.” This particular batch of poison made six vials in total. Taking four of them, and placing them in his pocket, Crowley makes his way back to Winchester Palace. 

The poison his mother had made, in enough doses and in large quantities, was meant to make the drinker incoherent and unable to think clearly. Once the recipient had received enough, it would make her appear to have an incurable disease. Once to baffle the medical staff till they were blue in the face, trying to heal their precious and beloved Queen. Since Odette’s capture, Crowley had been giving Queen Mary four vials in the span of a week. He’d started off with two, but there wasn’t as much of an effect as his mother would have liked, so she made him up the vial amount to four.

Being he’d left later than he’d planned, Crowley had managed to sneak into the kitchens just before supper was to be served. The kitchen was more packed than he’d planned as the staff bustled about gathering the finishing touches for the evening meal. 

Ever since Princess Ruby’s arrival, King John had spared no expense. Bringing the best protein and sides he could manage. He did want to leave a good impression on the princess if indeed she was to be Sam’s bride. As soon as Crowley was sure the coast was clear, he entered the kitchen through a secret passage. As he was opening the vial, however, he was stopped when the tip of a blade was pressed just under his neck. “Back away slowly, before I slit your throat and make a mess for the maids to clean,” a gruff voice said from beside Crowley. Stepping backward as he was asked, Crowley swallowed the lump in his throat as he met a pair of bright blue eyes. “Evening Castiel.”

“Benny, what do you mean I can’t go downstairs, it's time for dinner, as usual, what's wrong?” Sam asks him as he was prevented from leaving his chambers.

“I’m zorry, your highnez,” Benny let out. “It zeems Castiel haz caught our slippery snake,” he continued, leading Sam down a long hallway and towards the dungeons. 

“Slippery….” Sam says confused before catching who Castiel had exactly caught. “Crowley.” “‘Ello, Samuel,” Crowley muttered, “Come to be my executioner?” “I’ll leave that to Castiel. He’s good at killing snakes like you.” “I was only doing as I was told!” Crowley argued, trying to make a defense for himself, “It’s not my fault my mother’s obsessed with ruling the place!” 

“Your mother?” Castiel asked, raising his eyebrow at him. “The Witch Rowena,” Sam snarled through his teeth, “The one who stole Odette and killed her father”

“Then why was he allowed to work in the palace?” Castiel glared at Crowley, the tip of his blade pressing on his neck. “How did we not know?” “A girl has to have her secrets blue eyes.” Crowley muttered. “Benny, give me your sword.” Sam says looking over at him, “I’m sure Castiel would be more than happy to kill him, but this is one execution I’d have the pleasure of handling myself.” “Kill me if you want, boy, but that little swan of yours will still stay hidden.” Sam’s anger rose, his chest rising and falling as his nose began to flare out. 

“Sam,” Castiel said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “We need to notify your father. We need to know how we never knew about Rowena being his mother? Have you seen Crowley with Rowena?” Sam nodded, his gaze still fixed on Castiel. “Out by the lake, he and his mother are out there every night.” Back upstairs, John went to find Mary, wanting to make sure that she was alright. Upon entering their chambers, he spotted her still lying in bed. “Mary? Are you alright?” “It’s nothing. Just a little tired from this afternoon that’s all” The Queen replied, trying to brush off her husband’s worry. John felt his wife’s head, noticing beads of sweat running down her forehead. “Mary, you're burning up,” he whispered, running to the door to shout for the Castle Doctor. 

“Forgive me your majesty, but your wife does appear quite ill. The problem is, I cannot tell what has made her ill.” He admits with a frown. “There has to be something you can do.” The King begs. The Doctor was silent, grabbing his things as he left the King and Queens chambers. “Your Highness,” another one of the guards says, placing a hand on Sam’s shoulder, “Forgive my intrusion, but your father is asking for you.” Sam looks at Benny and Castiel, “I’ll talk to my father about this. Get as much information out of him as you can, we need to find what he’s been doing here.” he says, turning to head back up the stairs. “Dad!” Sam calls appearing at the end of the corridor once climbing the stairs. “Son, we need to talk privately.” John says in hushed tones, “I have some concerning news concerning your mother.”

---- Storybrooke

After working through the papers at Gold’s office, logging the few items he’d gotten as pawns, Sam looked up hearing the clicking of heels. Groaning as he spotted Ruby leaning against the glass displays. It was valentine's day and Sam had planned on stopping by Granny’s to look for Y/N to give her a yellow rose for the day, in hopes to mend their relationship. “Ruby, what are you doing here? Couldn’t this wait till I got back?” Sam muttered

“What, and ruin the evening of valentines day? I thought maybe we could go out to Granny’s or something.” Ruby smiled, batting her eyelashes at him. “Well, Well, Miss Blackheart, wasn’t expecting a visit from you.” Gold says, making his way out of his office. “What a ring you have, looks like you did rather well Samuel. It would seem congratulations are in order.” 

Sam looked over at his employer rather confused. “What?” he asks, finally catching the glint of the ring on Ruby’s left ring finger, “Where did you get that. I know I didn’t get that for you.” 

“Course you did.” Ruby winked, pulling Sam along with her “Come on, I want to celebrate our engagement by having a special dinner.” Sam wanted to protest going to dinner with Ruby, he could barely stand the woman, let alone any more unnecessary stress. He just wanted one thing to go right, or even just halfway normal. He’d been meaning to find time to talk to Henry, or even Bobby. He’d talk to Dean, but given their recent conversations, it would just turn into an argument. 

As they made their way into Granny’s diner, Sam felt his heart go cold, seeing car salesman Crowley Rosethorn press a kiss to Y/N’s cheek as he handed her a handful of red roses. 

Sam felt the wind get knocked out of his chest. His heart felt like it was going to shatter, it held a secondary emotion though. Jealousy. He wanted to be the person giving Y/N roses, wanted to make her laugh, smile or just be happy. 

Apparently Ruby had other ideas, as she forced his hand on their engagement. He had to break it off, but how?

[marshmallowprotection]

How would SE!Saeran and his system react to praise or gratefulness as they're getting used to their new life away from Rika? I know with Ray he never really was told that his work at Mint Eye was appreciated...

I’m going to assume you specifically are referring to the system that I’ve created for him so I’m going to use my variants. If you meant something else, correct me and I’ll do it again. 

SE Saeran isn’t used to praise or anybody looking at him like he’s doing a good job. He never got verbal praise or confirmation from Rika. There was a point in his life when she fed it to him but hardly by the time that things were over and he was free from Mint Eye. So, he’s going to look at you with an unreadable look in his eyes as you tell him that he’s doing a good job lately. 

A part of him wants to doubt that praise, but another part of him says that his therapist would call him on his shit if he disregarded that. It does take a moment for him to take that old praise of yours to heart. He doesn’t tell you otherwise, even though his intrusive thoughts do tell him otherwise. He’s working on seeing himself differently. Power doesn’t have to mean anger anymore. 

Ray [SE] knew what it felt like to be given praise but he had to crawl in the dirt for weeks if not months to be given a shred of kindness. He had to prove that he was worthy of the praise. It was never true praise that he received from Rika, it was always twinged with shame. So, if you tell him that he’s been doing a good job lately, he doubts you. 

He tries to correct you and tell you that you don’t have to say that because you pity him. Even if you are fast to tell him that you mean it, he still struggles to understand why you would think that about him. It makes his heart feel warm but at the same time, he fears that maybe this isn’t real and just maybe... you’re only doing all of this because you feel bad for him. He just can’t say it out loud. 

Grave [SE Suit Saeran] was never one to think that he needed confirmation or validation in the way that Ray did. He was strong, why would he need anyone to tell him what he already knew? It’s different now, and he can’t prove his power in this place like he would have in Mint Eye. So, he’s constantly on edge trying to find ways to prove himself by lashing out, even if it’s muted compared to what he may have done back in the day. 

You tell him that he’s doing a good job, he just snorts and agrees with you. Of course, he’s doing things right. Have you met him? He’s better than the others. Though, if you look hard enough, you’ll see that there is something vulnerable in those eyes of his. Craving your positivity but not willing to admit he needs it like the others do.

Su-Jin [Kid Saeran] isn’t used to praise at all. There was a time when his brother would tell him that he was working really hard, but while he thrived on being told that he was doing a good job by his brother, he always craved the feeling of someone else telling him that he was okay. He’s nervous most of the time that he’s doing something because he feels like someone is going to scold him for doing it. Like, he’s just a kid overwhelmed by the realization that he can do anything and he’s overwhelmed by that. If you ruffle his hair or tell him that he’s doing things right, you can see him get really misty-eyed and confused by your praise. 

He asks you if you mean it and if you’re not joking with him. If you confirm that he’s doing a good job, he feels really good about himself. He may tear up a little bit because he likes the feeling of the grown-ups being proud of him. It may rip him away from the front and pull someone else out because he just gets so happy and excited. It means a lot to him that you care about him!

[has-gilgamesh-doneanythingwrong]

SLEEPOVER☆CHAOS

In which my mastersona, Seihai-kun; joins Gudako and Mash for one heck of a fun sleepover!!!

Secrets and hidden emotions are finally exposed! ;)

(naw i just like sleepovers)

Cold, billowing gusts of snow rattled against the glistening window panes; as the mundane, clinically white halls of Chaldea sparkled like brand-new.

Yes.

For the first time in ages, Seihai had volunteered to assist with the cleaning!!

'Well, it was either to help with clean-up or join the servants for a session of group counselling with Kiara...' The mere idea of pouring their heart out to their fellow allies made a cold shiver run down Seihai's spine.

No way in hell did they want to let others know about their inner demons; especially not when he was also attending today's session. To Seihai, that was akin to a recipe for disaster.

And in addition to that, Kiara was eerily perceptive as a counsellor. It'd be IMPOSSIBLE to hide anything from her. Seihai had seen how even Gudako's cheery outer self faltered before Kiara's intelligent wiles.

'It's much more relaxing to clean the place instead.' Resting their vibrant red cornrows onto one of the latest prototype model of the Chaldea Speedmop 2000 (nightingale had an entire stock of them in order to keep chaldea as clean as possible), they sighed.

Life had been a real struggle as of late for Seihai. Lacerating wounds. Ferocious beasts. Storylines bursting at the seams with treachery and Machiavellianism. In other words, the missions were hell. It was tough- unbearable even- to carry on, to keep on pushing forward like Gudako, Mash, the Staff and Servants were; but deep down, Seihai knew that they had no choice but to follow ahead.

However, it grew. A festering, deep pool of regret; self-abasement and shame. Was it really alright for Seihai to be here? Weren't they just a nuisance? Were they even worthy? Did anybody at Chaldea even care about them, anyway? Who could they open up around?

As a horrendous deluge of negative self-talk smashed into Seihai with all the force of a tidal wave; encasing them within a moment of anxiety so painful that they felt as if they were about to drown- a miracle occurred.

'TAP TAP!!!!' Tapping them ferociously on the shoulder, Seihai leapt out of their very skin to face such an intrusive force. "H-HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK- oh, Gudako."

"What do you mean by 'oh Gudako'?!! It's none other than me, Gudako; your beloved homie and most trusted ally!! I was looking for you. Kiara was disappointed that you couldn't make it to counselling today. Told me that she's happy to meet you one-on-one, if you got some extra time." Gudako all but winked, as her golden eyes glimmered mischievously.

'You little shit,' Seihai couldn't help but laugh at that. "Alright, I'll visit her tomorrow. How was the group therapy?"

"Oh, it was awesome! We all had a good laugh, shared our stories and gave each other some support." Gudako was more or less beaming with joy. "It's so nice here, in Chaldea. Everyone's so supportive of one another. There's no shame here, Seihai. I hope you know that."

"Haha, of course I do!" An itchy, aching laugh that was even faker than the fakest of plastics erupted from Seihai's throat. Well fuck, looks like their skills at faking had subsided greatly as of late.

'Oh shit...she's onto me..' Seihai recognized that expression clearly. Gudako's eyes were wide, almost brimming with tears, as her eyebrows arched incredulously.

That only meant one thing- she was finally onto Seihai's bullshit.

"Hey, Seihai. If something's up, tell me! You always listen to me ramble on and on about all of my feelings too. Let it out!" Gudako gives Seihai a friendly shake of the shoulders. "AH!!!!"

"Oh lord, Gudako. What's happened now?" Seihai guffawed softly at Gudako's vibrant pose. "You got a new idea? C'mon let it out!"

"Oi, you're the one who needs to let things out more!!! I am doing perfectly fine, thank you. Well anyway. Seihai?"

"Come with us. Join us on our sleepover tonight. Let's chat, just like old times. You, Mash and I. How does that sound?" Gudako's expression was apprehensive, linking her palms together. "I want to help. If that's okay with you..."

'SHIT, I'M WEAK TO SLEEPOVERS!!! DAMNIT!!' There was something so precious, so special about being privy to the personal thoughts and opinions of others; that Seihai was infinitely weak towards. And a sleepover with Mash and Gudako? Lucky!

Seihai instantly looped their ebony hands with Gudako's scarred palms. "Look, I'm going. You better bring some popcorn and snacks, or I'll drain your room of food, Gudako!" Seihai's joke brought a smile to Gudako's face immediately.

"Hell yeah! I'll see you at 10. You better not flake on me!"

Gudako was most certainly one of the most beloved homies around.

SLEEPOVER TIME!!! (yeet)

Decked in the most casual pyjamas and a pale gray dressing gown, Seihai trooped into Gudako's room with all the force of a warrior. It was time to commence battle!

'ONWARDS I GO!!! YOU'VE GOT THIS ME!!!' Seihai slammed into the door as bravely as they possibly could. 'YEAH BOI! I AM NOT NERVOUS, I AM WORTHY AND AWESOME! I am valid, I've got this!' With an entire array of self-affirmations tucked under their sleeves, they boldly seized their targets.

"Yahoo, beautiful ladies. It's me." Seihai posed languidly, as an excited Mash and ridiculously energetic Gudako ran up to her. "Wow, this is my first time here...nice room you've got, Gudako."

Gudako's room was filled with an array of posters, dvds, cds and technological gear; however neon lights also paraded the walls, giving it a very 'cyber beach party' feel.

"Oh damn, the finest one of them all has arrived." Gudako smirked, swaying from side to side. "I'm glad you came."

"Me too...Senpai was yammering on and on about how she wants you to join in with us more often," Mashu beamed softly, tucking her hands politely behind her back. "Thank you for making it here. Truly. I am very grateful for this."

At this, Seihai's eyes widened with shock. They were so used to being alone; and dealing with everything on their lonesome. So to see these two seem so joyful by their mere arrival came as a deep surprise to Seihai. 'Y-yo...I can't handle this...Shit.' It was time to clam up.

Awkwardly ruffling ruby red locks of hair, Seihai turned to the side. "Don't worry about it, I think you two are great people. So...what have you both got planned for today?"

"Well, senpai and I usually tend to enjoy a good romance movie..." Mash began.

"...And imagine ourselves in their situation as well." Gudako's grin was enormous, as Mash's cheeks flushed ever so slightly. "It's so much fun when we do that. Mash and I have very interesting viewpoints on romance. Hehe." Gudako's expression was wistful and warm, her eyes filled with affection.

'Damn, they've got it bad for one another...' Seihai blankly mused. 'Are they just close friends? Are they in love? Hell if I know,' They wondered.

"B-but, as you're here, we wanted to make things much more simulating for you as well. So we decided to choose a legendary movie..."

"... that's named SHREK." Gudako's face was extremely serious. "The movie that fucking destroys all other movies, because it is just that darn good. What do you say? Want some SHREK TIME??"

"Of course, Shrek is love AND life, after all." Grabbing a huge bowl of popcorn, Seihai sits to the right of Mash and Gudako. "How may times have you watched it?"

"I've genuinely lost count..." Gudako sighed. "How about you, Mash?"

"Only twice...I don't really understand the jokes and references made..." Mash hung her head dejectedly. "Sometimes I wonder if these movies are wasted on me."

"That's not true at all, Mash. I have all the time in the world to explain them to you. You won't be left out, alright?" Ruffling Mash's hair softly, Gudako smiled blissfully.

"Senpai...Thank you. In return, I shall explain all sorts of magecraft theories to you so that you can rise above all of the clock tower mages. I'll be cheering you on!"

"Aah, Mash; what have I done to deserve someone as good as you? C'mere." They were now snuggling closely together.

"Yep, Mash! You heard Gudako. This movie isn't wasted on you at all! All knowledge has to start from somewhere. You may be lost now, but you'll eventually possess enough referential knowledge to enjoy this soon. Be nicer to yourself, okay?" Ah, there it was. Seihai couldn't help but throw out some positive vibes. Worried that they had gone too far, they cringed- only to be met with wide smiles.

"You're so right, Seihai!" Gudako was now caressing Mash's hair. "Hehe, you always give such wise advice."

"Seihai, you're so kind...Thanks." Mash grinned.

"Ah, no problemo! Just didn't want to see you hurt yourself."

As Seihai quietly watched over the two's warm cuddling session, a slight pain twanged at their heartstrings.

In Chaldea, they had no connections as close as that. There was nobody like that for them, whose arms they could be held in; who they could bond with so closely. Nobody who they could cry with in the worst of times; nobody who they could while away the darkest phases of night with...nobody at all.

It had always been them, and them alone.

No matter how many people they connected to on a surface level; how many people they met and spoke to; who they relied upon and trusted within their lifetime- Seihai had never experienced a close bond with anyone.

For the first time in a while, the arid, bitter taste of jealousy clawed across their throat.

'Ah man, they're so cute. Kinda wish I could love and be loved like that too.' Seihai silently watched the movie besides them, as blue rays of light danced upon their face. 'Damn, now I'm mixed between feeling both happy and jealous for them. GUHHHH!!!'

Sometimes... being emotionally distant from others sucked.

But they couldn't let desperation consume them. Whenever they were desperate for friendship and love, they'd let the wrong people in, and would end up even more battered and bruised than before...

'I just gotta keep on being my own pillar of emotional support, no matter how desperate I am for some hugs.' Seihai sighed.

'If this is the price I have to pay to live honorably to my true self, than so be it.'

"So...Mash, Seihai. Let's share some secrets. Have any of you got somebody who you like? Fess up to your dear Gudako!!!"

What was once an extremely loud and rancorous viewing of Shrek (Seihai laughed throughout the entire thing, as Gudako cracked an inane amount of jokes) had now become none other than a GOSSIP SESSION.

'FUCK...' Seihai's face paled at this. Of all the topics to discuss, why did it have to be this??? Whilst Seihai's face was creased up with pure pain and terror, Mash was blushing like a cute tomato.

"W-well senpai, I...You see, I..." Gudako was leaning in so closely towards Mash that she was bordering on pinning her to the wall.

"Hmm, what? What is it, Mash?" Her voice was a husky whisper. "C'mon, tell me who..."

'Bruh. GUDAKO!!! That's not helping at all.' Seihai wanted to facepalm at their antics. 'They really are this dense to each other's feelings, huh.' It was adorable, yet somewhat amusing to watch as well.

"A-AH! I GIVE, I GIVE!!" Pushing Gudako to the side, Mash panted in agony. "S-SEIHAI! WHO DO YOU LIKE??"

"OI, DON'T THROW ME UNDER THE BUS LIKE THAT! WHAT THE HELL!!!" Seihai couldn't help but yell, as a dastardly cold wind dashed through their spinal cord. "Fuck, well okay, there is somebody I like, but..."

"Spear."

'Shit...' Seihai's eyes were as large as saucers, as they spun in Gudako's direction; her smirk pernicious.

Did Gudako KNOW?!

"Looks like Seihai's in a spear of trouble." Gudako winked proudly at them. "Mash, save Seihai the embarrassment. We all know who they like already!"

"T-that's true..." Mash had finally calmed down, much to Seihai's own chagrin. "Yes, we do know."

"How? I mean, should I be worried by this??? How many of you know??" Seihai's arms pooled with cold sweat. "Damn you!"

"More or less the entirety of Chaldea?" Gudako admitted, chowing nonchalantly on a massive pocky stick. "You're not very good at hiding your emotions, you know. Seihai, we in Chaldea understand you much more than you may realize. You can open up a little more, you know?"

Overwhelmed by this, Seihai snaps for the very first time- their hazel eyes burning with repressed rage. "How can you say that, damnit?! How can you understand me, when I mainly hang out alone; when I can barely connect with anybody in Chaldea; when I don't even fucking belong in this damned place??? How can you say that, when I have a fucking useless one sided affection that I've been trying to hide, but everybody now knows of??? How can you say that Gudako??? You don't know shit about me, nor my feelings!!"

At this outburst, both Gudako and Mash's faces soured. Roughly gripping Seihai with her war-torn hands, Gudako shakes them by the shoulders, her golden eyes burning with passion.

"You don't think I see it, Seihai? How you fucking pour out all of your feelings by accident, only to withdraw back into yourself again? How you look longingly over at Mash and I, craving a bond of your own? How you reluctantly look over towards staff and servants, aching to talk to them but not knowing what to do? You don't think I see you crying, see your eyes fill with affection for a certain someone every now and then; that I don't pay attention to your feelings?!! I CARE FOR YOU, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! WE'RE FRIENDS, AREN'T WE?!!!"

"S-senpai, stop! Seihai, I'm so sorry, Gudako just gets a bit...well, passionate sometimes." Mash manages to successfully pull Gudako back. "Err, Seihai?"

Tears. A flowing river of tears dropped from Seihai's eyes as they sobbed quietly into their palms.

Gudako cared?

Somebody actually did acknowledge their emotions, and actually looked out for them?

'What, what...It can't be...But I thought that only I could care for myself and understand my emotions that well...How could she?' Before Seihai could even look up, Gudako had wrapped them within a fierce hug.

"Seihai. Look, I don't know what's happened in your past, or what's convinced you to be your sole caretaker and self-support system without letting anybody else in." Gudako ruffles their hair. "But I want you to know, that you're NOT alone. Yeah, maybe you've not found your close homies yet. But Mash and I are happy to hear you out, we all are!! Even the person you like sees you as a friend, hehe. You don't have to worry about hiding yourself behind a mask of peerless positivity and self confidence anymore."

"Gudako..."

"You know, you were there for me when I was crying about having to be strong. And you know, I struggled to open up as well. But yeah, Mash...well she came along, and now I feel so much better! Look, I just want you to not beat yourself up for this. It's okay."

"Gudako, you're gonna make me cry. Damn, you're really hitting me in the feels today. I got a real case of the 'crying in the club at 3am vibes' right now."

"Oi, no making shitty jokes to cope. Here, we show our vulnerability like real warriors!" Gudako declared triumphantly, as Mash laughs.

"Gudako, I swear...you really are a wonderful homie. I'm sorry that I tried to hide away from you...I am so grateful that you care enough to seek me out like this. Thank you."

"H-HOLY SHIT, WE CRACKED OPEN THE COLD ONE. MASH TAKE A PHOTO!"

"Senpai, please stop the joking."

"S-sorry..."

"I'm glad," Mash also sat by Seihai's side. "I just want all of us to be happy. And Seihai, I am sure there are many wonderful beings out there that you may eventually grow close to! You already believe in yourself, which is a great start! I know you won't have to be so lonely anymore!" Lacing her palms together, Mash spoke a prayer. "I wish that someday, you will meet people too. And that you'll stop fighting alone."

"Mash, you're gonna make me explode with tears. You're being so nice right now that I'm going to cry." Seihai blushed.

"You heard her, Mash! Why are you so damn cute, I'm falling in love!!" Gudako was clutching her heart dramatically. "Ahhh....Mash is such a beauty!!! Thank you, for blessing me with such a wonderful person!"

"S-SENPAI!!! STOP!!!" As the two began to pillow fight, laughing all the while; Seihai smiled softly at them both.

'So I'm not fighting alone after all...I'm not the only person who values myself in this world anymore...' Seihai could finally put down the weapons that they had grown so used to aggressively defending themselves with.

From now on, they'd do their best to trust in Chaldea more. And maybe attend group therapy from now on, as well.

'So this is how it feels to open up to people.'

It was an unforgettable sensation.

THE END

holy smokes this is so fucking LONG

[cosmicmoved]

TSAI YUCHEN    /    self - para

a reflection on the first time a then-sixteen year old yuchen met his friend from the beach, a girl who had died by way of drowning in the ocean some years prior (this is not mentioned at all in the story, there’s no detailed reference to any death). yuchen, for the record, is utterly unaware of this. to this day, yuchen is wholly not aware of abilities so it might help to read this as though it was written in the future. this is a slightly older yuchen looking back on his memories.

( also, this is an edited version of a short story i submitted for class and that’s why it’s fairly vague and ends abruptly, as it was intended to read as an excerpt of a longer story that i will never write. it is edited because i had to cut a lot of things from the original draft to meet the word count but the version i submitted was also better than the original draft so i decided to just add certain things back into the final version rather than share the messy original.)

Looking back on it, I never considered my friend from beside the sea might have been dead. I can’t say I’d know right away if I were to meet her for the very first time now either. Maybe you’d work it out much quicker than me but. whether or not it was down to goodhearted ignorance. the thought never crossed my mind. I was only sixteen the first time I saw her but I remember the whole thing clearly, the first time I met her and every other time after that. There are things I’m good at forgetting, like what time I’m meant to show up somewhere and where I put my phone when I’m distracted, but I’ve always been good at remembering people. This might well have been last week.

I had this routine of going to the beach after school and, because I refused to tell anybody why I was going, I felt terribly mysterious. It sort of became this secret rendezvous with myself. The reality, however, was pretty shallow especially compared to what I’d learn in the next few months. You see, this was when I’d first found my love of dance and any time of the year it wasn’t teeming with sun-seeking crowds, the beach became my own personal dance studio.  a year or so before I’d gotten really into dance. I’d lock myself up in my bedroom, copying tutorials on YouTube, and I thought that was private enough. It wasn’t. All it took was for my mum to walk in on me once and that was my perfect little bubble burst. It took me about a year to forgive her for joking about it at a family gathering that same weekend. I remember somebody (some aunt or uncle, I was too dizzy with humiliation to care who it was) saying that it didn’t matter how well I could dance, I was too short for it not to look all wrong and I really took it to heart, swearing through a clenched jaw that I’d grow tall and shock them all. Right now, I’m a whopping five foot six so you can tell this didn’t exactly pan out. From the day of my mum’s intrusion onwards, I’d storm down the road by myself as soon as school ended and it didn’t matter much that I wasn’t spending this time with other kids because most of them didn’t seem to like me much anyway. I never knew why but befriending stray beach spirits probably didn’t help.

This February afternoon was no different than any other. The air was thick with the coarse clammy scent of wet sand, the tang of salt and fish lingering beneath, and the cold bit away at my cheeks until they were red raw. My ears were buzzing with the music blaring through my earphones -- the soundtrack to my dance routine. I was used to staying there all evening and not seeing another soul, besides the odd dog walker, but she had been a surprise. Catching sight of her, I stopped mid-spin but felt my gut go on without me. I stood stock still like the bitter February air had frozen me through in the hopes it wouldn’t look as though I’d just been dancing but, even if I weren’t about as subtle as a foghorn dressed with twinkling fairy lights, the Swoosh-emblazoned footprints dashed and circled across the sand were a dead giveaway. If she thought I was funny, she didn’t laugh. As a matter of fact, she didn’t do anything. Her skin was pallid and her eyes distant and hair clung to her forehead in damp tresses.  I took one good long look at her and instantly took her for someone grim and miserable. A goth, maybe?

Despite my shock, I managed wave to her with a stupid, lopsided grin on my face. Her eyes widened just a fraction and she turned her head away. I sighed for relief, reassured that I wasn’t the only one around here daft enough to believe that standing in the middle of an empty space could hide you from anything. ‘Aren’t you cold?’ I called out. She looked for a moment as though she wanted to scurry off and away from me but she did not move an inch. Despite the dismal weather, she was dressed only in a school uniform, the sleeves short and her legs bare beneath the hem of her skirt. ‘I don’t think you should talk to me’, was her only answer. Her voice was muffled like a person submerged. ‘People don’t talk to me.’ ‘They don’t talk to me either. Are you sure you’re not cold?’ She didn’t answer and hung her head, as if in defeat. I was often told I was bad at recognising boundaries. The weight of coins in my pocket called out to me then, almost like they too were aware that I needed to change the subject, and I was reminded of the van down the street that sold hot snacks all year long. Even when I had no money to spend, I would smile at the man inside, seeing anybody else who spent their Winter by the sea as a kindred spirit. My stomach was reminded of this too and I felt it start to tighten with hunger, like it didn’t think the guilt was working hard enough. ‘Erm, I’m gonna go buy fried chicken,’ I told her, pointing vaguely in the direction of the van. I was eager to calm myself with the smell of grease and sugar, ‘I’ll get you one too.’ Without even raising her head, she shook her head and told me she couldn’t eat them. ‘Ah,’ I said, all sympathetic and understanding, ‘It’s cool, my cousin’s vegan too. I get it.’

And so I sped off, across the sand, up the path and onto the street, my feet thundering against the concrete. I don’t know how long it took me to get there and back but I knew I was developing a stitch in my side. When I did get back the beach was empty yet again, save for me, a piece of fried chicken that was almost the length of my head and a bag of hopefully meat-free fries. I looked around, eyes narrow, trying to work out she possibly could have gone so but for all my efforts, the only footprints I could see were my own.

[treacherous-dwarf-of-the-seas]

So, I'm just realizing how traumatic it was to have religious ocd as well as undiagnosed autism. Like, intrusive thoughts and ocd itself aside, I've always been the "hyperfocus, special interest type" but the bible was very clear about not putting things before god and not idolizing things. I don't think anybody understood how confusing and painful that was. I tried to love/obsess over anything and immediately my brain decided to punish me for it. I would avoid my special interests to the point where if I saw something I liked at all, I would have a panic attack. I would force myself to only engage surface level and if I found myself starting to think too much about it, I wouldn't touch it again. And that doesn't even get into people calling me annoying for liking anything just a bit too much or asking for reassurance that it's not bad to like things. It got better over the years, and since I'm an atheist now, I'm able to finally have real indulgent special interests. But it's so hard to feel normal doing it. The double edged sword is that there's still that trauma from being conditioned to think that obsessing over objects and materialism is bad, and on the other being overcome with the feeling that I'm faking it because I don't engage with special interests enough for it to qualify as a "real" special interest.

And that doesn't even get into the different relationships with gender and sexuality and the rules for how people should act, dress, and talk. I could never understand the purpose of so many things and the contradictions of what I was being told vs my needs vs the social norms that everyone seemed to follow in those spaces. Like, i was reading a literal "rulebook" that everyone around me was claiming to follow, but every social norm contradicted it. Everything I needed contradicted both the "rulebook" and social norms. No wonder I was so confused!

Oh my god and that's not even getting into stimming and echolalia and overwhelming anger. There were times when I couldn't control my mind or my body and I thought I was possessed. A few years ago I had a meltdown where I was stimming, crying and yelling gibberish. All the while I was thinking that I was speaking in tongues or fighting a demon inside me. And I wasnt the only one who thought this either. Every time I went to church I had a meltdown or a shutdown. People have verbalized that they thought i was possessed. I'm only just realizing that it was emotional overload and sensory overload from the loud music, the pounding on the pews, and the crowded ass room.

Like, I don't know why I'm dumping this all here, but ocd is commonly comorbid with autism. And it's awful to think of how many people, especially growing up religious, thought they were evil or a demon or god hated them or something just because they were autistic? It's hardly a hot take to say that alot of people in the past who were "possessed by demons" were neurodivergent or mentally ill. But I never realized that people actually believe that today or that I actually believed that about myself. I didn't realize I was autistic back then. It took me 10 years to get out of that mindset and it's probably gonna take me even longer to be ok with my weird traits and ways of expressing myself. Society is not that accommodating for autistic people, but personally I feel like religious spaces are even less friendly to autistic people, or even just people who are different. If anyone had a similar experience, you're not evil and god doesn't hate you for being the way you were born. These rules are confusing anyway.

[eupd-life-4-me]

Today I’d like to go outside and walk as far as my physical imprisonments and limitations allow. Although I know the serotonin endorphins will flow and it will definitely change the course of my negative thought processes, I can’t help but wonder what it feels like to be somebody else. Anybody else.

Through previous therapies, I’ve learned that self awareness and understanding why I have these intrusive thoughts is an important process for me. It’s quite remarkable that I cannot access the specific therapy where I live for EUPD/BPD which is Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT

Generally speaking, I trust nobody. Yes I’ve been hurt I past relationships and had my fair share of pain but everybody goes through that at some stage in their lives. My thought process when it comes to trust runs a little lot deeper than that. I’m actually quite surprised that I’m sharing this at all. Still waters run deep. But the way I’m viewing life at the moment, I just want to extend an olive branch (metaphorically speaking!) The main reason being to express my understanding and with passion, reach out to those who are struggling with certain aspects of their mental health journey and looking for some kind of answers. I’m no guru and I don’t claim to have all the answers. I myself are still struggling with my personal mental health but the self awareness I learned is a priceless tool to help take off some of that symbolic weight off your shoulders.

Right, well I’ve kind of introduced myself and if you’re still there reading this, take my (virtual) hand because you are never alone. If you don’t quite find this relatable that’s okay too. It’s a common misconception that if somebody has the same disorder(s)/label(s) that you must be battling through days in the same way. Take me for example. I have multiple diagnoses but I’m focusing on EUPD. Which is a little ironic because I find it extremely difficult to focus on one task at a time. You may have noticed already! Apologies for future reference!

It’s unhealthy, I know but the way I have been dealing with the trust issue is not to trust at all. As I mentioned already, the CPN I had for therapy was amazing! She helped me so much and from what we talked through in the sessions, it was almost like she’d been there herself. She never revealed anything like that to me but I just had a gut feeling. She’d talk about EUPD and what you may feel in certain situations but when I opened up to her sometimes hysterically crying.

Imagine my horror when she told me she was pregnant. That sounds really selfish and don’t get me wrong, I was happy for her and knew what a good Mum she’d be. But as I congratulated her and gave her a hug (Before lockdown!), I realised that meant she would be going on maternity leave. She explained my options for when she went and told me she was going to take a year out to enjoy her baby. But my heart hurt because it was the end of an era! The mental health team paired me with an different psychologist but he was male and for reasons I won’t go into just yet, I just couldn’t find courage to sit in a room with him for an hour a week. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to start over and trust like before. That was the end of my Therapy and I never went back.

She taught me things that I will always take with me and think about. Which I’m going to share with you in my next post. I’ve written quite a lot for you to take in for now but I’ll let you in on a little secret before I take my furbaby (all 8 stones of him!) out for a walk. Not that I’m I the mood to at all though I’ll just add!

So one of the things she taught me was that it was ok to cry. Because every time I cried in the sessions (which was a weekly occurrence!) I would continually apologise for snivelling and breaking down. It’s just human nature when you see a loved one crying for you to tell them not to cry. Because it hurts them to see you so sad. But honestly the next time you want to cry whether it’s silent tears to yourself living on your own (me) or pouring your heart out to a loved one just ask them to let you cry. Crying is a natural act of sadness most of the time. The same as laughter is when you’re happy or in my case manic! I asked her what I should do when I’m manic. Her answer to that was simply ........... ENJOY IT WHILST IT LASTS!!!

[staticscreenwriting]

I don’t love you // Chapter 1

Chapter One - Bluebird 

Synopsis: Jess is over Rory, only he’s not. Olivia is tired of trying to find the one piece missing from her life, only she’s not. A wedding, a bus ride, a lost notebook and an unforseen offer bring these two together and spark the idea that maybe the best people do enter your life in the most unexpected ways. A/N: I’ve uploaded parts of this story before on a blog specifically dedicated to it but I want most of my writing in one place so here’s a reupload. This is NOT a literati fic! 

" There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him,I say, stay in there,

I'm not going to let anybody see you. "

- Bluebird (Charles Bukowski)

There was an ice cold beer clutched in his hand, half empty already, and a lady to his right that had been trying to engage in a conversation about the weather for the last 15 minutes. None of that really mattered, none of that he really acknowledged.

There was only her. Her dancing and laughing and singing along to the cheesy pop songs he knew she'd never admit to liking but secretly sang along to at home when she thought no one was watching. Her and the way her hair that had been perfectly pinned back earlier was now slowly coming undone, strands framing her perfect face that had changed so much and yet so little in all this time.

Her and her all consuming, breathtaking, heart shattering beauty. Her and all the memories of all the feelings that had ever been there and would always be there.

God, he was so screwed.

This was the "I love you" all over again, the Yale visit, the open house. He had honestly thought he had left this part of his past behind. That he was over her. He had tried over and over and it never ended with a happily ever after for him, not with her. Maybe they just weren't meant to be.

He had really thought he'd learned his lesson and yet here he was staring at her and wondering if he'd ever completely get over her or if he might be doomed to forever be in love with Rory Gilmore.

" You know if you keep staring at her any longer it's gonna change from kinda cute to downright creepy, right ?! " he heard his younger cousin's voice speak up as she plopped down in the seat to his right, the weather lady had apparently gotten the hint that he was not interested in a conversation with her and had wandered off at some point.

" What do you know ? Aren't you busy being edgy, smoking, finding yourself ? " he replied and gave April little smirk and a friendly shove with his shoulder. She was a peculiar one his cousin, had been since the first time he'd met her but she'd done a lot of growing up over the years and had turned from a strange kid into quite the smart and witty adult, pseudo hippy phase and all.

" Haha, aren't you funny, Jess. Seriously though, what's up with the longing looks ? "

" Ah you know, just figuring out that I'm still in love with the girl I dated when I was in high school. The girl that made me change into the person I am today. The girl that is the sole reason I became a better person. " Is what he thought but there was no way in hell Jess would ever talk about his feelings. Ever. " Don't know what you're talking about. "

" Sure you don't. Just sayin' you could go over there and actually talk to her instead of glaring a hole through her head."

That he could do, but what would he say ?

"Hey Rory, sorry to interrupt but I just realized that part of me is still madly in love with you. " ?

" Oh hi there Rory, been watching you all night wondering if we ever stood a chance, wondering if we still might stand one. Wondering if this could ever be us, getting married and all that. " ?

Those were the things that were ghosting through his head but he'd be damned if he ever told those to anyone, especially Rory. He'd tried that before, multiple times, and look how that turned out. To be fair one of those times he ran off, but that was only that one time.

No, there really wasn't anything he could tell her that would change anything about this situation. She had enough on her plate as it was, she was writing a book for god's sake and if anyone knew how stressful and chaotic that time is, it was Jess. The last thing she'd need was him bringing up old feelings and confusion.

" There's nothing to talk about. "

" Okay, James Dean. I know that whole repressing your emotions deal runs in the family and works well with the grumpy mysterious guy image you're trying to maintain but that needs to stop. You're clearly still into this girl and I'm not gonna sit here and watch you throw away what might be your last shot at your epic love story. "

" Oh Jesus when did you start getting so corny. Does Lorelei make you watch 80s romcoms when you're over at their place ? Does Luke know she's doing this to you ? "

" Jess, I'm serious. Sometimes you gotta fight for the things you want. "

For the first time in a while Jess left his gaze drift from Rory and turned towards his cousin.

" I'm 33 years old, April. I'm done fighting over girls, fighting for girls. Things either work out or they don't and they obviously didn't for me and her. "

" But what if you're her Luke ? "

" What if I'm not ? What if I don't want to be ? I don't want her to settle for me after years and years of trying. I want to be a conscious decision. For once in my life I want someone to chose me. Not because of a feeling of guilt or nostalgia or comfort or because they feel like they owe me or because they feel responsible. I'm done with this. I can't do it all over again. "

A silence settled upon them as neither of them really knew where those words had suddenly come from. If there was one thing you didn't except from Jess Mariano it was as sudden outburst of honest emotions.

" Okay. "

" Okay ? "

" Okay, I get it. I didn't mean to push you to do something you don't want to do. I just wanted to help. I want you to be happy. "

" I am happy. "

" Are you ? "

Was he ? Yeah. Sure. Truncheon was going well, he liked his job, liked his coworkers, his friends. He had his own little apartment & his own car. He was in the process of coming up with ideas for a second book. He wasn't particularly phased by the fact that he'd been single for a while now either. Whenever he felt like it Jess had no problem sweet talking a girl at a bar. Girls, he had found out a while ago, were totally into the broody writer persona.

Was he truly happy though ? He didn't know.

" Yeah. "

" Okay. "

" Look, April. You know I'm not big on the whole family reunion stuff, especially here in Stars Hollow where half the population still holds a grudge against me. I came for Luke but he and Lorelei ran off a while ago so there's really no harm in me leaving too, right ? "

It was the truth, Jess wasn't particularly thrilled about returning to the Connecticut town he'd spend some time in as a teenager, but there was no way in hell he could've said no to Luke. The man had done more for him than anyone in his entire life, his mom included. He'd been one of the few who'd believed in him when even Jess himself had almost lost hope that he'd ever amount to something. He owed Luke so much and showing up to his wedding was the least he could do.

" You've been drinking. "

" Last bus is leaving in 20 minutes. "

" To Philly ? That's a long ass drive, Jess. Are you sure you don't wanna crash at the apartment above Luke's and leave tomorrow ? "

" I got a book with me, it'll be fine. No offense April, but if I don't leave now I'm just getting sucked back into things that I should've left behind a long time ago."

" What about your car ? "

" I was thinking, maybe my favorite cousin would like to come visit me in Philadelphia before she goes back home, and maybe she could bring my car with her? " April stared at him for a moment and Jess could see the gears turning in her head, trying to come up with an idea to get him to stay. His mind was made up though, if he'd stay he'd have to get drunk and if there was one place Jess Mariano didn't want be drunk at, it was the town center of Stars Hollow with his ex girlfriend in close proximity.

" Alright " April said and let out a defeated sigh " Be careful and don't talk to any sleazy looking guys. "

" Yeah okay, mom. " Jess replied and took a last sip on his now empty bottle of beer.

As he got up off the chair, Jess' glance wandered back over to Rory. He could go after her, fight for her, show her the man he was today and how this was all for her. He could. But he didn't. Because he was scared ? Maybe. But also because he was just tired. Tired of running after the same girl over and over again. Always failing.

" Just so you know, I don't think you're doing the right thing. Just running from your emotions. " April spoke up. " Well cousin, I don't think you're doing the right thing getting your nose pierced and acting like a pothead when they could probably sell you oregano without you noticing. Yet here I am, accepting your decisions. "

" You're an ass. " April responded as a small smirk tugged at the corners of her lips.

" That's family. Thought you'd be used to that by now. Seriously though, don't worry about me kid. "

" That's family, Jess. We always worry. Thought you'd be used to that by now " She replied with a smile before walking away, back into the sea of Stars Hollow residents that were singing and dancing to some obscure 90s popsong.

This family, his family, was quite honestly a mess. It was a family though, something he hadn't had for the longest time. And no matter how strange or broken over overly intrusive or annoying they were, they meant the world to him. Because they were his people and to them, to Luke and April he was a conscious decision. It was their decision to care and to worry and Sometimes you gotta admit defeat.

With one last look towards Rory, the girl that changed it all, Jess turned his back towards the gazebo covered in dozens of fairy lights and the quirky town that surrounded it and took on the walk towards the bus stop. Maybe April was right and he was just running from his emotions and his crippling fear of rejection. But so what ? Sometimes you gotta let yourself be scared to save yourself from pain.

Sometimes you gotta run.

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

would it matter at all? (Spinel X Reader)

Funny how these feelings of depression just hit you so suddenly eh? One minute you’re fine and the next the tears are coming and you’re trying to keep them back and just pretend like you’re okay for others? Yeah... it’s that kinda night for me... I wish I had my own Spinel... I understand her pain...

So I wrote this when I should have been doing something more productive but I had to just do this. I had to write for this lovely gem that I’ve grown to adore and would die for.

Warning: Some intrusive thoughts and implied suicidal thoughts as well so reader discretion is advised.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82hLvgGuDu8

If I wasn't here tomorrow would anybody care If my time was up I'd wanna know You were happy I was there

The past exists just to hurt the present person you are today. That’s how you always saw it at least.

There was one person who understood that the most though, and that was the new gem that had come into your life. At first you didn’t trust her, she tried to kill your friends, including one of your best friends Steven. And yet, you were amazed that the sweet boy was able to get her to stop what she was doing through a series of mishaps and helping the gems rediscover themselves, for better or worse.

You helped him the entire time, and reflected on your own life before you met Steven. Unlike Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet, you didn’t enjoy rediscovering the person you became today, because you still didn’t like yourself.

Beach City was a good place, but the place you came from before this wasn’t. It felt like you were the only person in the world because you knew you were different from everyone, and they made sure to remind you of it everyday. You felt worthless, rejected and cast out from the others and you actually believed that maybe you deserved it, maybe you shouldn’t have even been here.

At times you started to wonder, would it even matter if you disappeared? Would anything you did from here on out matter at all?

You wondered that, at least until the gem, Spinel was her name, had showed the person she used to be. A sweet, lovely little gem that you found extremely endearing every time she tried to play with you. She actually made you smile as you would giggle and blush whenever she got so close and playfully poked you to try and play a game with you. How could such a murderous clown be such a little sweetheart?

That’s what made you really wonder, but then you got your answers when she started to remember and reveal her backstory, her time in the garden after Pink Diamond… just left her there. For all those millenia, the poor gem stood there, alone and waiting for the person she thought was her friend…

Your heart broke for her, you wept for her as she reformed back to the same, maniacal gem that tried to kill you and Steven. Except she wasn’t just a maniacal gem, she was a broken, self-loathing individual that you saw yourself a lot in. She didn’t deserve what Pink did to her, and you knew that she hated the person she became, you knew that because you hated the person you became too after people hurt you…

But you didn’t want to fight her anymore, you wanted to reach out to her when Steven failed to get through to her for a moment.

“I know what it’s like! I understand what you’ve been through!” You exclaimed after she decided that no, she didn’t want to hurt Steven anymore. She looked up, eyes wide but her expression still had disbelief on it as her eyes narrowed into a scowl.

“How could you know? How could know anything like that?! You’re just some stupid human! Worse than even this loser…” She was skeptical, and you understood why, because you didn’t know who else could understand the feeling of being abandoned.

A sardonic chuckle left your lips, “You’re right… I AM a stupid human…” You almost weren’t offended by her insult though, nor were you deterred by the hateful look in her eyes. “I understand… because I used to be a happier person… I used to smile all the time and I can’t even remember why… but when I got older… I stopped… people just… didn’t want to be around me… I knew they didn’t… they looked at me like I was some kind of weirdo… and they just left… I was all by myself for a really long time…” Tears sprung to your eyes as you recollected the way you dramatically changed from a happy child to a moody young adult as Steven glanced at you sympathetically. He knew your story all too well, and honestly you thought that if it wasn’t for him, you’d probably be somewhere else… not with him or the gems and Connie and Greg…

The pink gem’s glare gradually softened into a mix of shock and confusion, her eyes widening slightly when she heard your words telling a story that were making her feel some type of way that she didn’t understand. All she could understand, was the pain in your voice and your eyes as you wiped the tears away even as they fell.

“I know your pain Spinel… I really do… I mean… 10 years is nothing compared to 5000 years but… I understand… what it’s like to feel… unwanted and… abandoned…” You mumbled with your eyes downcast as Spinel seemed to rethink more on what she really wanted to do after listening to you and Steven…

No. She didn’t want to destroy this planet anymore…

And you couldn’t lie, you were relieved when she and Steven were able to make the injector stop from destroying the planet. Maybe you didn’t want to die today, not when you had friends like Steven, Connie, Pearl, Amethyst, Garnet and Greg still around. You’d live for their sakes…

Yet, you couldn’t get Spinel out of your mind even as she went along with the Diamonds. Your [E/C] eyes welled with tears when she joined the Diamonds when they decided to take her in and you rushed over next to Steven when they shared a good bye peace sign.

If I wasn't here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep If I wasn't hard and hollow Then maybe you would miss me

 “Spinel!” You refused to cry, but you couldn’t help as you sniffled and waved your arm out to wave. “Take care! Come back whenever okay?! I want to… be your friend when you decide to come back!!” As tears dripped down your cheeks you made yourself grin as you waved vigorously to the stunned gem.

Her pink eyes going wide as a soft gasp left her, focusing entirely on you as you turned smaller and smaller from where she was at. A small blush sporting onto her streaked cheeks as she looked at you, and you were smiling at her. The human who could understand what she had felt…

You wanted to be her friend…?

She couldn’t even find the words as all she could do was stare and watch you wave with a broken smile and misty eyes with the tears down your cheeks. Spinel didn’t even realize the tears in her own eyes as she picked up her hand to wave back at you, still looking surprised and confused…

Why would you want to be her friend even after all of that…?

TWO WEEKS LATER

Although it had been a while since the entire incident that nearly ended in the world ending and you started to think that you probably should have been surprised that you survived yet another semi-apocalypse. But after the gems invading several times you remembered that had learned to get used to the world almost ending. Except unlike all of those other times, you couldn’t stop thinking about that gem. She wasn’t like the other gems, not even Lapis, a gem you had considered a dear friend.

Spinel was different. From the moment you saw what had happened to her, something tugged at your heart and made you realize that she wasn’t the only person who felt so rejected and discarded from people you just wanted to be with. You lied in your bed under your covers, remembering the way the pink gem would giggle and smile at you before she reformed back to the person she was today. Her innocence reminded you so much of who you used to be, and it was almost too painful to think about…

To have that childhood happiness shattered by the cruelty from another person, and to become a bitter, almost hateful person because of that pain being too much to bear. It fucking hurt…

You hurt just thinking about what kind of pain Spinel must have endured just waiting in that garden for someone who was never going to come back. What if she never got that message and just stood there forever? God you didn’t want to think about it…

You almost wished she was here so you could hug her and tell her that she didn’t deserve that, and that she deserved to be happy. But at the same time, you thought you were kidding yourself. Why would Spinel remember you? You weren’t anything special, she said so herself, you were just a stupid human.

Hell, you were lucky that Steven was kind enough to give you the time of day. Why would Spinel do the same?

Sighing and wiping your eyes you tried to go to sleep, but then you gasped aloud when you thought you heard something outside. Your parents were home, but they slept so deeply you were certain that not even an earthquake would wake them up. Then again, even if they did wake up, it’s not like you couldn’t handle yourself.

Well, you couldn’t really handle yourself well, but you didn’t care about yourself. At this point nothing mattered about you at all. And you told yourself that almost every day.

So you peered out your window to see if it was maybe just the wind, but your eyes went wide when you saw her…

Spinel, standing outside in your backyard with Steven accompanying her and pointing up when he had seen you. Wide eyes met as you gasped quietly. She looked just as shocked as you did, but she perked up when she saw your visage leave, “W-Where’d she go…?” She asked Steven almost nervously as he chuckled.

“Don’t worry she’s coming down.” He could tell you were excited, because he was very observant when it came to people. And he knew that Spinel had been on your mind the whole time, so he was more than happy to lead Spinel to your house when she came for a visit and asked about ‘the human with the [H/C] hair and [E/C] eyes’.

And her worries were put to rest when she saw you open that door, clad in just your (F/C) pajamas with a big smile on your face. “Spinel!” You exclaimed rather quietly, running over to her as her eyes widened slowly in shock at how close you were getting before you stopped right in front of her.

She looked a bit defensive, as if she wasn’t certain how to react to your excitement to see her. The diamonds treated her well and were in fact very good to her, but it’s been a long time since she’s seen that kind of joy directed at her. In fact, usually that’s what she had done in the past to… her…

“Hi… you’re that human.” Spinel remembered you, which secretly surprised you. “(Y/N) right?” She asked to clarify, and heat rose on your cheeks when she said your name for the first time. “Uh huh… that’s me.” An awkward smile came to your lips, something Spinel couldn’t help but mimic since she felt just as awkward as you did.

Something Steven immediately picked up with a small grin, “I’ll just leave you two be for the time being okay? I hope you’re having a good night (Y/N).” He knew when to leave two people alone and you perked up, feeling rather terrible that you forgot that Steven was there. “O-Oh! Thank you… s-sorry Steven…” You apologized to him sheepishly but he wasn’t offended in the slightest.

“It’s no problem! Spinel wanted to see you again, and I was happy to help.” He said cheerfully as he waved to the two of you, not subtly winking at Spinel as she was taken aback slightly at this gesture. And you blushed a little bit harder at such a thought, she wanted to see you again?

“You wanted to see me again?” You were so shocked you didn’t even realize what you had asked, and Spinel’s eyes widened even more as a flustered expression overcame her features. “W-Well uh… I… yeah… yeah I suppose…”

She felt strange. She hadn’t really felt this curious about anyone, not even Pink Diamond. She knew Pink Diamond, and she knew that she was her playmate, and other gems were just fun to play with too because they were all neat looking. You were different. You weren’t a gem, you were a human being and yet your feelings weren’t that different from the feelings gems could feel.

And your feelings apparently weren’t that different from Spinel’s own feelings. Which is what really made her curious.

“Let’s… sit on my bench… it’s… more comfortable.” You couldn’t get rid of the corny smile on your lips as you gave her the offer, “Oh… thanks…” She couldn’t turn it down though as you lead her to your bench, allowing the two of you to sit down.

It was uncomfortably silent for at least 5 minutes, but you didn’t know what to say. Which was ironic because she’s all you could think about for the past couple of weeks. Why the hell couldn’t you say anything now?! Come on (Y/N)!

“So… um…” You started off, badly though. It wasn’t even a damn sentence…

“So…” And you were sure your uncomfortable energy was rubbing off on Spinel since she couldn’t quite muster up a sentence herself.

No. You couldn’t be an idiot. You sucked it up, exhaled and then cleared your throat a little bit. “I’m… glad to see you again.” Finally, you said something that actually made sense and was an actual sentence. “You are?” But this confused Spinel, since she knew she didn’t make the best first impression by trying to hurt you and Steven.

“Yeah.” You replied simply with a smile and shrugged your shoulders. “Why?” The gem asked you somewhat bluntly though, trying not to look amused by the simplicity of your response.

“I liked you. You were… an interesting gem… and… don’t tell the other gems but you’re actually more interesting than any of them…” A little snicker left you as you covered your mouth, feeling kind of bad for putting the other gems down like that but Spinel really did interest you. This further surprised her though, her eyes wide with shock because even after all of that, how did you still like her even a little bit.

WHY did you like her?

I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone Someone that I'd like better I can never forget, so don't remind me of it forever

“Why?” She asked bluntly again, a wry smile on her lips. “I tried to kill you. I tried to kill Steven. Tried to destroy the earth. Why do you like me?” For a minute there, she swore that you probably liked her old self better, because she remembered having a lot of fun with you before the past came back to her…

“Is it my old self that you liked?” Spinel’s tone became a little bit colder, yet the sadness was still there. “I’m flattered… but that’s not me anymore… I wish it was but… it’s not me. I haven’t even pulled myself together yet either…” She looked down, her gloved fists starting to clench as she tried to hold back the anger bubbling in her. Not at Rose, but at herself. She still hated the person she was, and she hated that you were here, telling her that you liked her.

There’s no way you could like something like her…

“Of course I liked your old self.”

She knew. She fucking knew it. God she wanted to cry and feel betrayed all over again so she could get away and not have to be hurt again, but you didn’t stop talking.

“Because you remind me of me when I was a kid.” You smiled ruefully and looked in the distance. “I smiled a lot before I started growing up. I was so happy… so eager to impress my peers. I wanted nothing more than to feel included, and feel like I was someone’s friend.” As you talked, Spinel looked at you intently as she took in all of your words and the feelings behind them. The feelings that Spinel still had lingering in her even after Pink Diamond. That’s exactly what she felt like, all she wanted was to be a friend.

“I did everything… everything I could to impress them and make them happy, even if it meant not doing what I wanted… I just… wanted that so badly.” Your smile was still there, but it was clear to the gem that you weren’t happy at all.

“And then… the older I got… the more I started to realize… I’m not what people want… I’m nothing more than an amusement at best.” However, the more you thought about the past, the more your smile started to curve into a soft frown. “And some people didn’t even like me at all… they avoided me just so they could be amongst themselves and kept me out of their picture… I didn’t realize it til later that I wasn’t anyone’s friend, I was just… nothing.”

A small, empty chuckle left you as you wiped your eyes when tears were threatening to fall as Spinel looked at you in shock, feeling more feelings that she had never felt for anyone else other than herself. She was angry, hurt and unable to believe that this happened to you, you seemed like a decent person, why did those people avoid you?

“Those… those…!” Spinel couldn’t help it, she shook her head as her fists trembled, “I… I hate that!” She exclaimed as you jumped a bit, not wanting her to wake your parents but you didn’t really want to set her off any further. “I hate it when people do that… it’s… why…? Why are they so cruel like that…?”

She asked you questions that you asked yourself everyday in your moments of solitude as you put your hand on her shoulder. “I don’t know… I ask myself that all the time and I can never find the answers.” You gave a sigh as you looked downwards. “But… I know this sounds selfish of me but… I… I couldn’t help but like you because I understood you…” You admitted, no shyness in your tone, just honesty despite how sad you were.

“I used to be happy… until life and people started to kick me… and push me aside like something that didn’t matter at all… I know… that’s probably how you felt… and I just… I hated hearing what Pink did to you… you didn’t deserve it Spinel… you’re a good gem… I don’t know why Pink had to go and hurt you like that…” Voice cracking you squeezed your shoulder as gobs of tears started to stream down your face as you shut your eyes, unable to see the tears welling in Spinel’s eyes as she tried to hold it all back.

Steven was the only other person who took pity on her, but hearing another person tell her that NO, she didn’t deserve what happened to her… was like some kind of validation that she didn’t know she needed to hear until right now this very moment.

But at the same time, it made her feel even worse when she thought about how she still hurt you and tried to bring more hurt to you when she first fought you and Steven as she cried. “But I’m NOT a good gem! I had to have deserved it! I hurt you! And Steven! You can’t tell me I didn’t deserve that! Not when I was the one who hurt you when you didn’t deserve that… or what they did to you… you didn’t deserve that at all…” She hung her head as she wept for you, and all you could do was watch her in shock as a sob hitched in your breath.

“S-Spinel…”

You were touched by her sympathy, and how she seemed to genuinely care about her feelings. No one other than Steven and Lapis have ever really cared about your feelings, but Spinel… she understood you more…

“I don’t know…” You couldn’t fight the self-deprecation though, it was a horrible trait you picked up on the older you got and realized that maybe you were avoided because there was something wrong with you.

What if I just pulled myself together Would it matter at all? What if I just tried not to remember Would it matter at all? All the chances that have passed me by Would it matter if I gave it one more try Would it matter at all?

“Maybe I deserved it too…” Spinel gasped when she heard you say that, no, no you couldn’t have believed that. “I mean… you’re great but… I’m not… I’m a loser… I sit in my room all day, watch anime for the sake of comfort, and listen to music by Lana Del Ray, My Chemical Romance and Stevie Nicks, and write bullshit stories for god’s sake… if I wasn’t here today it probably wouldn’t even matter. I might as well not even exist… who knows? Maybe I’m just better off gone because I don’t think anyone would even care… I’ve thought about it… but never could go with it…” You admitted some of your darker thoughts as your eyes started to dull with the misery you’ve carried around the past 10 years of your life and maybe even longer than that.

Of course Spinel wasn’t familiar with the concepts but all she knew is that no, she didn’t want you to disappear. “No! You can’t… You have to be here…” Her voice croaked a little bit as she grabbed your shoulders, “If you weren’t here… I wouldn’t have gotten to hear you say that I didn’t deserve what happened to me… even though I think I did… if you just disappeared or went away I would care (Y/N)! I… I would care… it matters to me! It would matter to me!” She sobbed to you and held onto your shoulders tighter as if she was trying to make sure that you were still here.

She didn’t know you well, but she wanted to. And she didn’t want you to leave. 

You had never opened up about this sorrow to anyone before though, Spinel was the first person you completely opened up to. She was the only one who knew about what you were really feeling, and you were almost relieved that she didn’t quite understand the deeper parts of what you tried to say.

However, hearing her say those words were comfort to you as you sobbed and you couldn’t help but pull her into a hug. “I’m… glad to hear that someone would…” You shakily said in between soft cries as she sniffled. “You’re… you’re not bad (Y/N)… if you think… I’m a good person… I don’t know why you do but… thank you… please… you’re really here right? If you are… I’m glad… that someone else knows what it’s like…” Spinel almost sounded shy as she admitted to this newfound happiness she couldn’t help but feel talking more about what happened to her.

“I am… and… I hope you’re here too… Spinel I really like you… I missed you… I wanted to get to know you more… so… I meant what I asked… would you like to… be my friend…?” That’s what you wanted to ask her, despite these other feelings in your stomach that were flurrying about as your cheeks turned hot.

Spinel was hugging you, stretchy arms around you tightly as she perked up at the question, and she looked up at you with surprise in those rather adorable pink eyes of hers. She was a bit hesistant and yet she felt like she could really trust you, so she gave you a little smile.

“Yes… I want to be your friend too (Y/N)…” She answered you slowly, but sincerely as she nodded up at you. (E/C) eyes widening as you beamed and you tightly hugged her again, earning a small surprised squeak from her, but she couldn’t help but hug you just as tightly. Even stretching her arms even more all around your figure like a snake almost as you gasped with wide eyes as she pulled herself away with a goofy smile.

The two of you bursting into laughter through your tears as you actually felt like there was this weight inside of you that had been slowly lifted off of you. This was the first time you felt actually happy, and the first time you’ve laughed in a long time and it was because of this sweet gem.

She did bad things yes, but she was broken too, and you understood that completely. And she understood that about you too. As the two of you pulled away, you couldn’t help but put your hand in hers as she looked up at you, a blush on her streaked cheeks as she locked her fingers with yours and smiled at you.

Warmly you blushed brightly with an equally bright smile on your face.

You knew that you truly did matter. You mattered to your friends and your family. And you mattered to her, and she mattered to you. Spinel knew this too, after everything she had been through, she finally learned that she really did matter to the new people she accepted into her life. She mattered to you, and you mattered to her too.

Both of you did, both of you mattered.

And YOU matter too. To anyone who read this, if you have any suicidal thoughts, or have had suicidal thoughts or even just need someone to talk to about intrusive thoughts or just need to talk to someone about anything don’t hesitate to call 1-800-273-6255, the Suicide Hotline.

And remember that your life is important and that your life matters. YOU matter.