#and i’ve gotten to talk a bunch a certain someone who i happen to like a lot

[stardial]

three days left until birthday….

[gb-patch]

GB Patch Games: Sensitivity Reader Update

Okay, well I am able to make another statement before Rose does. I can now explain much more easily why I didn’t fire Rose. There’s been new developments with the leakers. The people behind this have doxed Rose’s discord account (please don’t go looking for it) and also shared a screenshot of an email that was sent to my support address months ago. They believe that incriminates us somehow, but really all it’s done is shown in broad daylight what they were doing and why I was defending Rose so much. If I had brought up that email as a connection to this myself people understandably would’ve thought I was making a conspiracy.

However, it is out now. Here is the story- a few months ago someone who wanted to remain anonymous sent me an email with a screenshot where Rose called me a cracker. And I told them I appreciated the concern but it’s alright, was there evidence of Rose being unkind to players? They had nothing. No response.

As an aside, yes, I have been aware for a long time that Rose uses crude language when talking about me. That doesn’t mean I’ve hidden how evil they were from players. It means I’m allowed to choose what I’m comfortable with. That original “reveal” didn’t shock or upset me in any way. Our Life is a sensitive, wholesome game, but I’m a full-grown adult. I’m not innocent or pure. The game I released before OL is XOXO Blood Droplets. Something I wrote and released to the public is full of crude jokes, curse words, and violence. It’s cartoonish and comical, but edgy. Rose themselves likes to BS with bad words and I’m not accepting abuse because I think getting called a pussy is funny. I know Rose doesn’t hate me or wish me any harm. Rose also isn’t causing “discourse” for me and my games on purpose, they were joking that bringing up serious topics is “discourse” to some people. Ironically, the leakers who did this are trying to make some “discourse” on purpose.

Regardless, I initially thought that email was from someone earnestly worried for me and that they moved on when it was clear I was fine. But that’s not what happened. Them and at least one other person have been waiting for months to bring this up again. They went through almost a year’s worth of Rose’s private posts to collect as many unflattering screenshots as they could, and then they didn’t send them to me. They posted them publicly. I had a suspicion from the get go that it was the same person/people from before who couldn’t prove anything to me in private. And if true, how horrible is it that a bunch of the comments they shared were crude language towards me, something they already knew I’d brush off as nothing. They decided for me that it was wrong and they wanted the rest of the players to do the same. Or even less charitably, those extra posts were simply there to make Rose look as bad and untrustworthy as possible and they didn’t care that I was comfortable with it. I could not explain everything we were thinking/feeling at first, but behind the scenes we were discussing how this was personally motivated and not a knee-jerk act without forethought. And we do know for certain at least the main people involved now, and they do have personal issues with Rose.

Also, if you still believe that they just wanted to help the game at any length because Rose is that huge of a risk, showing that email and framing something innocuous about me (not fainting at the word “cracker” and politely being open to more proof) as serious “evidence of wrongdoing” at GB Patch Games makes me believe they want to smear Rose so bad they’ll try to turn players against me as well. Plus, the post is framed as “this email was anonymously sent to me”, but we know from account details that the people who could’ve gotten those screenshots of the discord and email are the same people who sent that email and started this situation, which is embarrassing. I’ve confirmed the screenshots shared in the email to me and the original public post came from the same private, “venting-safe” discord server. There’s very few people in there. We know it’s still you and not a separate source. I can’t prove they think I’m stupid or in their way, but I can’t see how anything they’re doing is trying to be beneficial to the creation of OL: NF. They told me in the email they’d give me more evidence if I requested it and I was ready to know, but instead they went silent for months and then did this.

I want it to be clear that this doesn’t mean players can’t wonder if Rose has enough experience to be a sensitivity reader right now, or to worry they’re so invested in the game that it’s going to effect how objective they are with their feedback, or to say that Rose is flawless and has never done anything hurtful. However, I hope you can understand why I was on Rose’s side and couldn’t just fire them over this. It felt so incredibly unfair. If another person tries to get their way by doing this in the future, I will not hail them as a hero and immediately fire at the target. And I don't tolerate any racial harassment of any kind to anyone on my team.

If those people want to continue to share Rose’s private posts in retaliation, you can fuck off. If you somehow reveal now that Rose is secretly a murderer, I’m not gonna apologize and say I was so wrong about you. If you had tons of evidence of Rose being horrible to players, you should’ve sent it all to me and with full context to begin with in the email like you offered to do. I just don’t understand.

Any players who like to see someone’s least flattering points portrayed in the worst possible way and continue flocking to the leaks as fandom drama, I don’t want you in this fandom. I don’t want you to enjoy my games.

Anyone who has been truly hurt by this and are left confused and angry, I do completely understand that. I didn’t know how to handle this, and it made a lot of people not know how to keep trusting me. I am still looking into getting a community manager to help me better communicate with players, especially when something serious happens. And I’ll always be around for you to reach out to if you have doubts about anything.

[sakurachan7734]

They are Talking to themselfs now cause no one‘s home

One off story



This might be one of my really sad stories just so you know and the title is based off one of the lyrics to probably my favorite bad religion song, “two babies in the dark” 

Aristotle pov

I might as well be home alone at this point I mean I know father is down the basement working and he doesn’t want me bothering him but he never comes upstairs until dad gets home and dad comes home at about 12 normally he comes home at 10 but his drive for perfection blinds him sometimes and I just got out of rehab and my parents are letting me stay home a week so I can try getting better mentally but this is just making me want to use again it’s so goddamn lonely in this castle and I feel like I’m being dramatic because I know my father is home I know they love me but I feel like I can’t tell them I how I am mentally because they’re always busy and they don’t want me disturbing them my sister is still at school 

Aristotle: I guess I could just talk to myself for a while

Aristotles imaginary friend then appears in front of them Aristotle has not thought about this in a really long time so they forgot what they had created which was a vampire Jackalope named jasper

Jasper: it’s so good to see you again!

Aristotle: I don’t wanna play I just wanna talk.

Jasper: about what?

Aristotle: I just want someone to vent to 

Jasper: ok go on

Aristotle: I feel like I can’t tell anyone how I am feeling mentally because I will get called dramatic or pushed away because on the outside I have the perfect fucking life and every teen girls dream job but my job is telling me I can’t eat a certain amount of calories or I’m gonna be put on diet pills and I don’t want to get fired so I have to listen to them

Jasper: oh that’s bad Is your boss making you do that?

Aristotle: yes but I think he is retiring soon so hopefully my next boss won’t do this to me but it’s the modeling industry so that might happen again

Jasper: well why don’t you switch modeling buildings? One that won’t treat you the way they control how you eat

Aristotle: I can’t because it took me forever to get that job

Jasper: well why don’t you tell your parents?

Aristotle: well I might get punished away or they won’t believe me

Jasper: why don’t you tell your boyfriends?

Aristotle: well I don’t want to bother them with my problems because Jackson and Charlie don’t know how to handle human emotions

Jasper: so you feel like you have nobody to talk to?

Aristotle: kinda yea

Jasper: are your parents putting you for therapy?

Aristotle: yes but I feel like it’s not working I kind of wanna start using drugs again 

Jasper: you know that’s a terrible idea right?

Aristotle: I know but…. I feel like nothing else is working and I don’t wanna bother my parents by getting me a better therapist….

Jasper: how was your ballet instruction towards you?

Aristotle: she is a bit nicer to me but she’s the one who suggested I go on diet pills because and I quote “nobody wants to look at a fat freak of nature” i’m already super skinny I don’t know where she got that from

Jasper: you do ballet professionally?

Aristotle: yes well it started a hobby but then I got to a point where I turn it into a career 

Jasper: ok well how is the public treating you about being a child of a world famous celebrity?

Aristotle: I both hate it and love it I hate it because I’m constantly swarmed by paparazzi and other fans and I’ve gotten a few creepy ones that touched me everywhere and I have to put on a fake face for the media because if I yell at them to stop taking pictures I will be called the bad guy I feel like I’m being told how to feel how to act how to dress without directly being told and I feel like I’m just seen as public property to them instead of a person

Jasper: it sounds like you’re feeling like you can’t come out about your feelings because you’re under a bunch of pressure

Aristotle: yeah probably but like I said, I don’t know how to come out about it because I have a feeling I’ll be pushed away or just ignored….

Jasper: well…. Judging on The fact of whatever you just told me you might need to take another week off of school and you might need to call out of work for a little bit

Aristotle: I can’t my parents said I could stay out for about a week or two until I feel better but my work won’t let me stay out more than one week.

Jasper: will you could call in sick

Aristotle: I tried but they still said I can only be gone for one week

Jasper: well what is something that calms you down?

Aristotle: well alone quiet stroll on the beach or woods just by myself no music, no conversations no nothing….hmm you know what yeah I’m gonna go take a walk

Jasper: all right thanks for sharing

Jasper then disappears Aristotle leaves a note on the fridge saying “went for a walk I will be back in about two hours” 

Aristotle pov

This…..This is nice this may be what I need but not the same time because I’m complaining about feeling lonely but I’m doing stuff all by myself but I don’t wanna worry everybody with my problems because I don’t know how to handle them and I don’t want them to worry about me I feel almost pathetic for being like this, wanting people by me, but yet pushing them away at the same time maybe I should just convince my parents to let me see better therapist or get back to the drugs maybe both only time will tell.

End





[agaypanic]

Not a request but how do you choose what requests to write? Do you just pick randomly or use some sort of system?

i usually write every request i get sent. but with this wave, i deleted quite a few for different reasons. if the request goes against one of my rules, feels weird or concerning in some way, or just doesn’t resonate with me at all, i dont write it.

some examples of this would be something with a reader who’s dealing with SH, bc in my “i will not write” section, i said that that topic makes me uncomfortable. or something like “reader chokes and [character] has to save them” or “[something harmful] happens to reader and [character] has to save/take care of them” (real requests ive gotten) bc imo it just feels a bit strange that someone would come up with an idea like that.

also, sometimes people will rapid fire requests and spam me with a bunch of things, but it feels like no thought was put into them. like, it kinda feels like the requester just wants me to write anything. that’s what i meant in an earlier post when i said (now deleted bc someone gave me shit for it) that some of the benny requests i was spammed with “aren’t that good”, bc a one sentence ask being like “benny weir [enter few words here]” doesnt seem like they care that much about it

i’ve grown to not feel bad about deleting requests. when i asked for people to stop sending a certain character (i was literally narrowing down the 30+ requests that i had of that character) the other day and said that some of the requests weren’t that good (i didnt mean that in a mean way, i swear. if you looked at all my email notifs you’d understand where im coming from), someone called me a snob and said i shouldn’t be writing fanfiction. but i literally say in my rules that i have the right to choose to not fulfill a request. it’s not like i get paid to do this, im allowed to say no to things lol

also if you were wondering if i had a system for the actual writing part, i pretty much just jump from request to request until i finish something. i’ve tried to write them in the order they were sent in, but i can get bored/writers block very easily

this is probably a way longer response than what you were looking for, but once i start talking i can’t stop lol

[brittlebutch]

Is The Accountant any good? I remember there being arguments about it when it first came out, but I’ve never actually seen it. I don’t wanna watch something that has bad representation, but since you just posted about it I figure I can ask: did the writers do their research?

I'll be upfront that I'm not wholly sure how well I can answer this question. Ultimately I think trying to watch things 'For Representation' is kind of a sunk-cost game, especially when it comes to something as diverse as Autism - I think at the end of the day what's considered 'good representation' and what's 'bad representation' is largely going to come down to Simply Personal Preference (with some notable exceptions like Music who shit the bed across the board). If I say I think the movie is fine, there's going to be a bunch of people who think it's dogshit and so on. These days I mostly try to judge things as A Story, not For Representation, does this make sense?

I will try to answer it though. Ultimately, I think The Accountant tells a decent story. I've watched this movie a few times and while I wouldn't list it as A Favorite of mine, I also enjoy watching it when I happen to come across it. A bare bones answer to your question 'did the writers do their research?' - Yes, I think they did. The details of this response have gotten away from me because I have a tendency to overexplain so I will be putting the rest of this under a cut!

TL;DR tho - Is it a good movie? I mean, I've watched it more than once, and I'm not someone who will sit through things I don't like. I think it does a decent enough job with its autistic character if you like the genre. The Accountant is a thriller that centers violence, which is why a lot of people do not like it, but that's The Story it's telling. If that kind of genre bothers you, you probably wouldn't enjoy this movie. WARNING though because the film does have scenes with bright flashing lights that may trigger photosensitivity in viewers.

The main character is autistic, and the movie does not shy away from this but also doesn't necessarily Dwell on it. It's brought up multiple times, but I don't think it's ever especially Emphasized? I would say it's treated like any other character trait. Chris's ability with math may be a savant-like skill, but mileage on this may vary wrt whether this bothers you (and also if the movie ever defines it like this? I think the synopsis does, but I can't remember if it's in the Script)

He's blunt and terse in social situations, but not outwardly/exaggeratedly rude or mean to others. While it feels fairly obvious he's discomfited by small talk, he makes an effort to navigate it in an effort to avoid being rude or offensive towards others - the tone of this feels more 'I want to avoid causing unnecessary conflict/hurt feelings' and less 'I have to Act Normal to get people to like me', Chris is very solitary and seems to like this, although he does have people he gets along with well. He has a flat affect and a monotone - although there are moments when he's more excited/relaxed and has more facial/tone variation. He seems to split pretty evenly on making (or faking) eye-contact and looking in fully other directions in conversations. He also stims most notably with a repetitive phrase he uses to help center/calm himself down. The actor portrays these traits in a way I would deem realistic - it's not exaggerated or caricature like/offensive, although I'm almost certain the actor himself is not autistic (which some people will take issue with).

I can't tell if his interactions with Dana are meant to be interpreted as somewhat romantic in nature? I think she comes close to kissing him once, but he gets distracted and ultimately seems to Like Her without necessarily being Interested in Her (at least to my interpretation). He does go out of his way to defend her - apparently out of character for him to some degree - but I can't tell how much of this is Romantic Undertones and how much is simply Injustice / the fact that they get along. Honestly, I kind of interpret Dana as autistic as well, and kind of view their interactions through that lens, but I can't say for sure that this was the story's Intent. This is worth noting only in as much as I wanted to mention autistic Dana lol - i don't identify myself as aro/ace but i'm also not particularly interested in Relationships, so I don't feel particularly compelled to comment on whether the inclusion or exclusion of romance involving autistic characters is Good or Bad.

The movie also features a character whose role is more or less to be The Spokesperson About Autism - the one who makes the most effort to actually Define it in film to the audience. This is the man who runs the institute where Chris almost got an education, who speaks to Chris's parents when he was a child and makes a brief reappearance at the end. He very explicitly states that autism is not some Scary Disorder that's Stealing Children (I believe both conversations center parents who speak derisively about having an autistic child and say they'd like to believe there's a Normal Kid inside their autistic one, and he explicitly dismisses this notion/attitude - "your son's not less than, he's different"). He also says that attempting to force autistic children to meet NT standards is not going to work - you have to work with them where they're at and accommodate them sufficiently, which is true and a very Healthy way to approach raising autistic children. I would consider this the most Easily Noted way the film shows how/what its writers researched - I would say Largely Positive.

He does mention learning eye-contact / nonverbal cues when talking about child-Chris's potential education, but I don't necessarily consider this an inherent Flaw, but also acknowledge that's Personal Interpretation. Worth noting that another character in this same scene is proof they aren't Forcing compliance or NT-standard communication (an aide is attempting to put another autistic child in shoes, and when she refuses by kicking them off and wiggling around, the aide stops and says 'okay, no shoes today' and takes the shoes and leaves), and a similar conversation at the end of the movie - set in the Present - does not include any mention of learning how to mask, and instead explicitly focuses on the importance of NT people learning how to effectively communicate with/understand autistic people rather than trying to force the inverse.

Chris does at one point define himself as 'high-functioning', I'm not sure whether the movie itself believes in this dichotomy. The guy who runs the Institute - the movie's literal Autism Spokesperson - does not seem to use or approve of them. Another autistic character in the film is not labeled in this way and is a clear subversion of this kind of dichotomy as well. Chris did not learn about autism from someone who actually Knows About autism, he learned about it from his dad who Primarily seemed to focus on teaching Chris how to mask/fight. Is this Good Rep? IDK - it's likely an NT viewer wouldn't pick up on this distinction, so I can't say for sure whether this is a Flaw or not.

The way Chris's sensory issues are handled Is a little sketch (his dad did not believe in accommodating him in any way - this often is portrayed by the film as child abuse - and taught him to deliberately overstimulate himself with bright flashing lights and loud music while doing DPT with a leg roller in an attempt to desensitize him, because "The real world is not sensory-friendly". I'm not Entirely sure whether the movie wants us to believe this works well or not - there are two notable scenes where Chris does this, one where he reaches his timer goal and one where he winds up melting down instead, so I'm not entirely certain what the audience takeaway is meant to be? Ultimately though, I don't think Chris's father is framed by the film as a Good Dad even though Chris loves him and believes him to be one. This might just be my interpretation and not the film's intention though - I have not sought out any BTS info for this movie.

There are several scenes that feature Chris as a child having violent/disruptive meltdowns - there can be mixed feelings about this. Some people might find them voyeuristic / a negative trait they're uncomfortable with. Chris's mom leaves because she cannot handle his meltdowns and Also because she resents Chris's father for not letting Chris stay at the institute to learn. Chris's father helps him through meltdowns via repeating a nursery rhyme and hugging him to his chest for the pressure (it Could arguably be read as restraining, but Chris is never Pinned Down to the Ground outside of an arrest scene, so I would consider it more DPT than 'abusive restraint'). I feel it's inauthentic to try avoiding the issue of meltdowns when it comes to portraying autism in media - they're a fact of life. My opinion on seeing NT actors portray them tends to vary. I would consider this a personal preference thing again - what are you willing to view/tolerate? His meltdowns Are, I believe, framed as wholly separate from his ability to fight/shoot though - they aren't conflated or linked. Chris's violence is, I think, wholly attributed to the way his father raised him, not something tied to him being autistic, he has a NT brother who shares the same use/level of violence.

Chris is a Morally Grey Character though - he does good things, he does bad things, the movie does not shy away from either, and some people take issue with this. [BTW when I say 'take issue with', I do not necessarily mean to deride this opinion or mock people who hold it. Simply pointing out where I have seen critique aimed.] Ultimately, this character trait is a feature of the Story and its Genre not in its attempt to Represent Autism - I think I've seen people critique this story by saying things like 'it's acting like he's a killer because he's autistic, as if all low-empathy people are killers, and that's Bad Representation because NT people will see it and think That's what defines autism' but this rings false to me on a variety of levels.

For one, Chris is not shown to have particularly low empathy. Even if he was low-empathy, Chris is shown to care deeply about a variety of other characters (these Are two different traits btw, 'empathy' and 'caring about other people' are not intrinsically linked) - so there's no basis to the claim that his Autism is what singles him out from other people as a reason he does or does not kill. Again, Chris's ability/willingness to fight is framed almost entirely as a result of the way his father raised him, not as having anything to do with him being autistic.

It's also, as I said, the GENRE.

One major reason I don't like categorizing things by Good/Bad Representation is because 'Representation' does not necessarily align with Telling A Story. If, in order to be Good Representation, a character Must be Morally Good, then this severely limits the amount of stories one can tell, and I'm someone who enjoys tragedies/horrors/complicated stories involving complicated/morally-gray characters. This is what I mean when I say Good/Bad Representation is largely a conversation of Preferences - I like it when I can see character I relate to in the kinds of stories I like to watch. Other people might try to claim that trying to include autistic characters in these stories is inherently Bad Representation because they're stories about 'Bad People'. Preference all the way down.

[ALSO because the notion of what traits make up 'good rep' and which are 'bad rep' is completely subjective, which I've talked about before. If someone says the film is Bad Rep because Chris is 'too blunt/un-emotive and that's a stereotype' I'm fundamentally going to disagree because I am a person who is blunt and has a flat affect, and so I would consider the inclusion of those traits (provided they aren't being actively Mocked by the material) good representation. It's always going to be a subjective conversation to some degree, there are no universally objective ways to rank/discuss the topic).]

Ultimately, I don't know how to end this because I did my tl;dr before I got this far. I wouldn't call it revolutionary representation and probably wouldn't ever really be like 'oh This is the film you want to watch to understand autism', because it's not really About autism. It's about a guy who works as an accountant for regular people AND criminals and who is extremely good at fighting to defend himself / seek revenge when he wants it. This guy also happens to be autistic. Does this make sense? I hope I've managed to answer your question somehow lmfao.

[lonely-dwelling]

Justice League 24

Today, Taylor and Spencer are discussing Justice League 24, a Forever Evil tie-in, originally released October 23rd, 2013

Taylor: What makes someone evil? The term is thrown around a lot in the media and it’s gotten to the point where it seems its meaning has become lost, just as we lose our sense of what good beer tastes like after a few or five drinks. We call certain dictators evil and the same goes for terrorists. In the stories we tell one another we talk about super villains and often these individuals are motivated by hate or revenge or the lust for power. We call these people evil and in both cases this is rightly so. But of course, considering someone evil is all a matter of perspective. One man’s terrorist is another man’s martyr; one’s hero is another’s villain. But suppose for a second we existed in a universe where this yin-yang balance didn’t exist. What would it be like? Justice League 24, a tie-in with Forever Evil, attempts to give us this answer and in doing so shows us some really deplorable characters.

In another universe a guy exactly like superman is born to some truly dickish parents. You see, his dad, Jor-Il (not Jor-El mind you), is truly a bad person and so is his wife. As their planet is about to explode they kill a bunch of people to ensure their son’s safe passage from the dying rock. In his spaceship, this would-be superman is bombarded with hateful recordings his entire trip to Earth. Naturally, this makes the baby a huge asshole and as such he turns into Ultraman, an evil version of Superman. Along with his cast of similarly evil anti-heroes, Ultraman begins an oppression of the Earth, which also sees the downfall of the Justice League. All seems lost until Black Adam makes a surprise appearance. But will he be able to overthrow this super evil Ultraman?

Normally I’m a huge fan of alternative universes and/or timelines. The Battle of the Atom taking place in the Marvel Universe is evidence enough of that. I’ve been enjoying that event greatly and it’s been a blast seeing members from various timelines interact with one another. The same is true of those goofy Star Trek episodes where they meet their evil counterparts. Sure, the plots border on shtick but  it’s fun to see what an evil Benjamin Sisco would do if he had the chance the kill himself.

That being said, I was expecting great, or perhaps at least entertaining, things from this issue but I was sadly disappointed. I think the reason for this is that Ultraman is just way too unlikable to stomach, even though I suspect the very reason for his creation is so he can be hated by the reader. Writer Geoff Johns goes to great lengths to establish why Ultraman is the way he is, devoting nearly half of the issue to the origin of Ultraman. Turns out that like Superman, Ultraman was born on a dying planet to parents who wanted him to succeed. The crinkle in the story of course is that this planet is populated entirely by assholes and it just so happens that Ultraman’s dad is the biggest asshole of all. He kills some people to assure baby Ultraman’s escape and in the process tells his beloved wife to “shut up and die.” Charming guy.

Now, this part of the issue is actually pretty fun. It’s entertaining to see the antithesis of Jor-El, the benevolent and educated scientist, running amok and dooming his son to a life of evil with an escape pod full of insults. The contrast between the two fathers is sharp and for a character that populates only a few pages, the unrivaled evilness of his ways is hilarious to watch. However, any more of a character like this and he or she needs to be instilled with subsequent motivations for their evil or they run the risk of becoming entirely flat, boring, and totally unlikable.

Thus enters Ultraman in his full-grown glory and he’s so steeped in evil that it robs the character of any agency –  he may have started with as a blank slate. Throughout the issue, he makes references to his own evilness and how that makes him a better person than Superman – or any other person he has the fortune of meeting. Ostensibly, the reason he gives for this is that he is a huge Darwinist. To Ultraman, “only the strong survive” and anyone who can’t beat him in a fist fight is a weakling who deserves to die. Apparently, survival of the fittest means being the strongest person around, but it’s not like scientists would have anything to say about that, or evolution itself for that matter. Can humans beat up a gorilla hand to hand? No, but we can outsmart them, and which species has become so powerful we now can eat Doritos any time we want? Right, you know the answer.

The absolute buffoonery of Ultraman’s stance is best exemplified by his bizarre decision to pick on Jimmy, a photographer at the Daily Planet.

It’s a ridiculous exchange and Ultraman’s anger at Jimmy is baseless to the point of being nonsensical. And that’s really why this issue falls flat. Ultraman is supposed to be evil, but his motivations for doing what he does are shallow at best. Just why is he such a complete and absolute void of goodness and just what does he, or his cohorts, get out of it? Normally with evil types, the reader can justify their actions in some way, but in this case there’s really no explaining it. Ultraman is 1000% evil and that thereby makes him the villainiest villain ever, but as it turns out reading about someone that terrible is pretty terrible itself.

Spencer! As you might have guessed, I wasn’t a huge fan of this issue. Did it fare any better with you? Do you think Ultraman is an intriguing character or just an ass? Can a villain be too evil for his or her own good?

Spencer: I think Ultraman could be an intriguing character, but despite all this issue tries to do with him, none of it really works.

In previous continuities, Earth-3 was a world of opposites, a world where Superman was its greatest villain, Lex Luthor its greatest hero, and evil always triumphed. It’s an interesting concept, but Geoff Johns seems to playing his version of Earth-3 as a world of absolute evil, and while that can be a lot of fun, it doesn’t necessarily make for the most compelling characters.

Of course, both of those interpretations are silly in their own way, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. As Taylor mentioned, the best portions of this issue were the scenes set on Krypton, where Jor-Il and Lora are such terrible people that they cross a line into actual comedy.

Likewise, the issue’s take on baby Kal-Il’s arrival on Earth is another comedic goldmine precisely because it’s so over the top.

On the page prior we see that Jonathan Kent is a deadbeat abusive scumbag and his wife Martha a drug addict, then we cut to this dark reprisal of the typically heartwarming meeting between the Kents and their new child, only now, of course, lil’ Kal is an evil toddler; I must be a terrible person, but I couldn’t help but to laugh when I got to this scene. I can’t get over how he just walks up onto shore and barbeques John’s arm off, speaking in complete, articulate sentences like an adult in a child’s body. In no way can I take any of this seriously, but at least it’s fun, and that sense of fun is unfortunately absent from the rest of the issue, which treats all its events with morbid seriousness.

I realize that the Syndicate’s invasion is a serious, dangerous, thoroughly unfunny situation, but uniformly treating it all with the same grim, humorless tone makes it a slog to get through, and is at odds with the entire ridiculous concept of Earth-3 anyway. Do we really need deep psychological explanations for Ultraman’s evilness when he hails from a universe where everyone’s naturally a gigantic douchebag? Not really.

If anything, Ultraman’s motivations mostly just serve to muddle the character. A common character trait of Superman’s is that he’ll try to do everything himself or throw himself into his teammate’s fights in an attempt to protect them (“Every punch I take is a punch they don’t have to!”), and that makes it even more boggling why Ultraman—who obviously lacks even a shred of Superman’s inherent kindness—keeps the rest of the Crime Syndicate around. I mean, yeah, he needs Superwoman to bear his child (ick), but Power Ring is a coward who can barely use his weapon; what possible reason could he have to allow him to live?! Why did he allow the citizens of his Earth to live—did he consider their cruelty a form of strength? That doesn’t make a ton of sense to me, at least from the version of Ultraman we’ve seen throughout this issue.

There are a few parts of this issue I legitimately, unironically enjoy, though. While it’s only hinted at, it appears that Darkseid may have been responsible for the destruction of both Krypton-3 and Earth-3, and that’s an idea that intrigues me. This issue’s other saving grace is, of course, Ivan Reis’ excellent artwork. Reis’ work is some of the most iconic in DC’s roster, and the man draws both dramatic splashes and 10 panel pages full of exposition with equal aplomb. I’m most impressed by the page where Ultraman arrives at the Daily Planet.

Genetically, Ultraman is Superman, and his uniform and powers are practically identical to Superman’s, so it’s understandable that Jimmy (or the reader) might mistake Ultraman for him, yet Reis—through posture, facial expression, and use of shadow—makes it clear that this is not Superman with only a glance, and that’s impressive.

Ultimately, though, this issue is a let down. Beyond the faults listed above, this issue’s greatest weakness—and Forever Evil’s greatest weakness in general—is simply that the Justice League isn’t around. Without good guys, the evil of the Crime Syndicate is nearly unbearable. As a group of ultimate evil who can’t even stand to be around each other, the Crime Syndicate is an interesting contrast to the fundamental goodness and camaraderie of the Justice League, but that contrast is lost when the League is nowhere to be found (and when the League can barely get along to begin with, but that’s neither here nor there).

I do think that the cover—an homage to Jim Lee’s cover from way back in Issue 1—is pretty rad though.

For a complete list of what we’re reading, head on over to our Pull List page.  Whenever possible, buy your comics from your local mom and pop comic bookstore.  If you want to rock digital copies, head on over to DC’s website and download issues there.  There’s no need to pirate, right?

[thechillsquid]

Thoughts about grief

Warnings: I get personal about death and loss, reflecting on its effects

It’s interesting, to know loss when you can still know those times before, feel that warmth and closeness despite the empty chill of the present. It’s strange, hungry and consuming, tearing off small pieces with every time it circles back around. But it doesn’t always have to hurt, sometimes grief is removing the anger and knowing there’s nothing you could have done, sometimes it is knowing that you still had those moments even if you’ll never have them back.

It hurts, aches, stings, burns, chills, etc. Etc. It lingers, it fades, it clings, but it still finds a place eventually.

But god do I wish I didn’t have to feel it sometimes. It’s been a decade since I left home and when I got back she wasn’t there, it’s been a decade since I heard her laugh to the point I can’t remember what it sounded like, it’s been a decade since I asked ‘where’s mom?’ and had sobs answer me.

It hurts still, fresh pangs now and again, silent tears when I think of the songs she’d play when driving, a low ache when I see pictures of her smiling, a longing for someone I only saw again on a cold table later (days? Week? Time didn’t really have a hold on me after that, I don’t even know how long it had been before I was shakily going back to school in a whole new place). She didn’t look like she was supposed, she was all dolled up when she was the kind of lunatic that would drive through the mud and lift weights up and down our driveway smiling when I’d cheer her on in a squeaky little voice. She didn’t wear makeup like how they dressed her up, but well, it was an empty imitation, right?

I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel. You think that I would know, but that’s the funny thing, you can’t always explain emotions and response. You can certainly try to predict it or manipulate it, but I know it will happen as it wants.

It’s gotten easier to acknowledge, that’s for certain. I used to burst into tears whenever I heard certain songs, I was reduced to sobs because of a ‘yo mama’ joke, I would lay in bed at night and feel empty.

It was a strange time, but well. I can say her name now without burning completely. I can listen to those songs and feel some sense of closeness instead of emptiness. Hell, I’ll even make jokes in turn when people bring up moms. Sometimes night still makes me somber and quiet, but that’s okay.

And I mean, I may have lost a mom, but I gained a lot after. I have a mother, who will never replace my ma, but she was there for me and still is. I love and appreciate her. I have new siblings, I don’t care to add the ‘step’ on because they’re as true to me as blood will ever be. They’re dumbasses sometimes but I’ll do anything for em. I have new friends that have stuck by me, I got a best friend I can depend on, I got people in my corner who I can trust. I adore those knuckleheads. And well, here I am still. Cause of a bunch of silly internet people, I remember y’all even if I haven’t talked with any of y’all in years and I don’t know where you went, but damn. I started writing again, I started doing art again, I grew and became who I am, and well. Ain’t that something?

I got a whole collage of new people I’ve met, I got absoute dorks who I plan evil little stories with, I got folk I play dnd with and laugh with, I got those who make me feel real when I lose my grip. And goddamn, ain’t that something!

Because I lost a lot. But I also gained a lot.

If I could go back, well I don’t know what I’d do. I’d like to say I’d tell her don’t go for that drive, watch out for those trees, dad stay with her, anything like that, but? I don’t know. And well, as much as I can think about it or wonder, I’m in the present. Not the past.

There’s no point in ignoring it, that only buries things and lets em fester, but I will not try to forget. I’m here, I hurt, but I’m doing okay.

I’ve seen life and death, I’ve lost more people, I’ve had to leave some behind, I’ve gotten horrible news, I’ve lost family members, I’ve been betrayed; and still. I wouldn’t give that up. Because that’s life sometimes, you have to open yourself up if you’re to feel, it’s natural that hurt happens because of that.

I remember their influence on me, I remember her face, I remember how I’ve met so many I’ve known, and there’s more for me to do.

More places to go.

More things to try.

More thoughts to have.

More creatures to discover.

More shows to watch.

More art to create.

More people to love.

Because when the world is too big for me, when I am a mere speck, when I am full of emotions and hurting; I will still love. I will be loved.

That’s got to be worth it. I think it’s worth it. I mean, grief is simply a cause of love, ain’t it? Love that was worth it.

[astaroth1357]

Hello I really love your writing. I’m glad that you decided to open requests for a bit. I have a personal headcanon that the boys are a lot nicer to MC then they are to everyone else. Could you do a headcanon of the boys being out with MC and they are talking with MC happily. Then a lesser demon sees them with MC and says that the seven brothers have gone weak and they aren’t scared of them anymore. Thank you again!!! 😖 (Also the way you write Levi is great)

Aww thank you!! Levi's kind of my favorite character (if that hasn't become painfully obvious) so I try to write him well, you know? This one was a little hard for me to write because I just have a hard time imagining Asmo and Beel as something intimidating to the masses, but I tried my best! I hope you like it!

Lesser Demons Think the Brothers have "Gone Soft…"

Lucifer

If anybody had something to lose by acting sweet on a lowly human, it was Lucifer. His entire image was built on the back of power and intimidation, so really who didn't see this coming?

He knew there were whispers… Mostly in the RAD hallways. Students would see him with the MC and gossip amongst themselves… 

"Did you see them together again in the courtyard?"

"How did some random human even score a pact with him??"

"And I used to seriously look up to him, too…"

He'd always silence their chitchat with a well placed glare, but this was a symptom of something more… troubling. A decay of his social image if you will.

Perhaps it speaks to how well and truly enamored he was with the MC that this proud creature didn't just dump them the second he started looking bad, but still… a part of him really couldn't stand for this...

So maybe it was a blessing in disguise when he finally got an excuse to establish his superiority yet again!

He and the MC were walking the halls of RAD after school hours and they had just made an amusing joke at the expense of of his brothers. Unfortunately, Lucifer collided into a lesser demon student while he was laughing…

On most occasions, he would have expected someone of such station to pay him deference then offer an apology - they had just ran into Lucifer after all - but the student just scoffed at him!

Lesser Demon: "Oi! Watch where you're going, Lucifer! Or were you too busy sucking up to that human to notice?"

This… was maybe not the best response to have (if the "Oh shit" look on the MC's face was any indication) but for as annoyed as Lucifer was, he was also somewhat delighted.

Finally, he had the perfect messenger for just how cruel he could still be!

Lucifer: "MC, feel free to go home without me for now and tell my brothers to save my dinner for later…" *starts pulling out his favorite rope with a cold, but pleased, smile on his face* "I have a feeling I'll be home late tonight..."

The MC left him and his unfortunate victim to their fate and Lucifer later came home in the night with his uniform in a bad need of cleaning...

A new body decorated the RAD entrance hall the next morning - swinging from the ceiling and making an awful mess on the floor - but still alive enough give a very important message to the rest of the students:

"Lucifer hasn't changed a bit…"

Mammon

So, not even lesser demons see Mammon as some kind of high-ranking badass… 

Just to be clear, he is, but it’s hard for him to come off that way when he's begging for his next Grimm... Then enter MC into the picture and he somehow lost even MORE cred.

"There goes poor Mammon… Did you hear he got tricked into a pact?"

"Just look at him nipping at the human's heels! How pathetic is that??"

"Well that's Mammon for you… What a shit excuse for a demon."

Like Lucifer, Mammon wasn’t immune to the whispers, but unlike his brother he was able to push them mostly out of his mind. People look down on him? Yeah, what else is new?

To be honest, he didn’t really feel the need to prove anything to a bunch of lesser demon losers… But insulting his MC takes things a step too far.

He and the MC were out at the Devil's Coast, "enjoying" some of the haunted house attractions and generally having a good time…ish. 

Any time they managed to make it out of one, the MC would have to peel Mammon off their back and hold him to assure him they were back to safety (a process he seemed to like enough to repeat the horror that precedes it).

It was during one of these calm down sessions that the two were accosted by a couple of snickering lesser demons, clearly looking for a fight…

Lesser Demon 1: "Hey look! There's the 'Great' Mammon and his little master!"

Lesser Demon 2: "Guess the master fits the demon… Of course someone like Mammon couldn't even score a pact with Solomon and gets stuck with the weakling!"

Lesser Demon 1: "Well how's the babysitting going, Mams? I bet you can't wait for them to kill over, can ya?"

Lesser Demon 2: "Careful! With his luck, they'll probably get eaten by the end of next week! Haha!!"

Now… an important thing to know about Mammon is that you can fling all the mud and stones you'd like at him… but never at his MC. That's just asking for a bruising...

Mammon: *smiling like usual, but his eyes are practically burning with rage...* "Yo, MC… I'm gettin' a little hungry. Can ya go find us a snack over there? I'll meet ya in a bit…"

MC: "Mammon, are you-?"

Mammon: "Don’t worry 'bout me, babe." *takes his glasses off and flashes a fanged grin* "This is'a piece of cake."

And indeed, it wasn't difficult at all. No matter how fast those demons ran, they could never out speed Mammon and he was looking to give more than a warning…

The MC didn't know what he did while they were waiting in line, but they heard the sounds of pleading go silent before Mammon turned back up with a nice bruise on his cheek. Oh, how they fretted and dotted on him…

Meanwhile, the haunted houses just earned themselves a couple new mannequins!… when rigor sets in anyway.

Leviathan 

Levi has a… mixed reputation in the Devildom to start with. People who only know him for his titles usually expect him to be some kind of sea-hardened badass. Those who meet him are… well let's say less than impressed.

This isn't anything new to Levi. It does take a blow to his confidence sometimes but even still most people aren't dumb enough to say something to his face… most people.

Unfortunately, "most people" have been getting bolder after seeing him with MC - because Demon Lord forbid Leviathan actually look happy for a change…

He and the MC were out and about for once. There was a raffle for exclusive merch at Anidaemon and he brought them along to boost his chances. They were grinning and chatting about anime but well…

The human couldn’t hear this, but he could - sensitive demon ears and all that. There were a couple guys who were tailing him… heckling him just loud enough that he was CERTAIN they knew he could hear them...

Lesser Demon 1: "Is that seriously Leviathan hanging out with a human? Isn’t he an Admiral??"

Lesser Demon 2: "Ha! The whole family's turned into simps, are you that surprised?"

Lesser Demon 1: "Wonder what the human's giving them that's got them all brainwashed…"

Lesser Demon 2: "Well... I've got an idea." 😏

If there were ever a reason for bile to fill his throat, it was now. He might be a shut-in, but those guys were the real creeps…

To be honest, Levi isn't one for public confrontation. Even with how gross and disrespectful those demons were being, he would have let it slide if they had just left it at that… but no…

He and the MC were browsing the ani-music racks in the store when those idiots popped up again. They hovered a while until they MC suddenly left his side to go find a store clerk.

When he saw the other demons move their direction, he naturally put himself between them and the would-be harassers. It was a little telling that despite his ticked off expression, the demons just laughed in his face!

Lesser Demon 2: "Hey look, the puppy's come out to protect its owner! How cute!"

Lesser Demon 1: "I can't believe you're that predictable, Levi… Do you really think we'd be scared of you?"

Well. That settled it.

When the MC came back, they found that Levi had moved from the music racks to the merch tables near the bathrooms. They didn't think anything of it… but...

One body was paralyzed by his venom and stuffed head first in a toilet while the other getting strangled by his tail just underneath the tablecloth… Meanwhile, Levi was cheerfully rambling about the raffle like nothing was happening at all.

Maybe they should have been a little more scared of the shut-in...

Satan

This may actually be a case where the rumors have a point… The MC has made Satan "soft."

Well, if "soft" means actually in control of himself, anyway. 

Satan would probably call their effect on him both a blessing and a curse. Though he loved finally having a handle on his inner rage, it flew in the face of a lot of his public image… and people were starting to notice….

"Do you think there's something off about Satan…?"

"I saw the human step on his toes earlier and he didn't even flinch…! The old Satan would have torn them apart!!"

"He's gotten way too nice all of sudden… Wrath shouldn't be nice."

Was it a little frustrating? Certainly. Especially for someone as image conscious as him. But for as calm as he was now, Satan wasn’t any less cruel and he'd be more than happy to remind others of that fact….

His chance came when he and the MC were together having just left the local art gallery. The two were exchanging a healthy dialogue about a curious sculpture they saw on display when a latte suddenly went soaring through the air and ended up all over Satan's sweater… The culprit was plain to see, being the only other demon on the road that night.

Whether the act was intentional or not, the correct course of action would have been to apologize immediately and beg for mercy forgiveness… but all the demon did was laugh in his face…

Maybe he thought that since Satan had mellowed out and his human was right beside him that he'd be lenient… Oh no. Not gonna happen.

Satan's fist slammed into the guy's mouth with the force of a jetliner and knocked him over two benches before his back bent over a lamppost… To say it was a KO move would be an understatement.

He probably could have done a whole lot worse to the guy while he was down, but you know… the MC being there and "self-control" and what not…

The demon survived (barely) and only had to spend a few months in the hospital, if anything he got off light.

Not a soul would gloss over Satan's temper again and really he preferred it that way.

Asmodeus 

Well, to be fair not a lot of people thought that Asmo was tough to start with… but that's also his intention.

"Scary" is the opposite of "cute" and he prefers to be "cute" at all times! 😊

Buuut that doesn’t mean this scorpion is without a stinger. He CAN be quite brutal when he wants to be, you just have to push him that far and trashing his looks is a good way to start.

Asmo was out with the MC getting his hair done for the week at his favorite salon. They weren't the only people there that day, obviously. There were other customers - one being a lesser demon classmate of theirs - though neither he nor the MC thought much of him at the time...

Well… It was supposed to be a prank. Probably something the guy intended to use for social media clout. While the staff was too busy to notice, he snuck by and replaced Asmo's preferred conditioner with pink hair dye…

Asmo. Was. Furious. And honestly, the dude could have gotten away with it if he hadn't been laughing and recording the whole thing!

When Asmo's ire naturally fell onto him, he hardly looked fazed!

Lesser Demon: "Ah, please! You won't do shit to me with the human still around! You don't want to look any uglier to them do ya?"

Asmo: *freezes, but still furiously eyeing every sharp instrument within arm’s reach* "MC? Darling?"

MC: "Got it..."

Perhaps the prankster should have kept his mouth shut, because suddenly the MC needed to take a looong bathroom break…

They didn't come back out until they heard the sounds of screeching and broken glass finally die down and then they stepped back into a warzone… Broken mirrors and items seemingly flung everywhere in a fit of rage! The guy (and his phone) now nowhere to be seen…

The salon comped Asmo for the botched hair job and touch up… and then billed Lucifer for the property damage (which he got an earful about later). On the bright side though, Asmo actually looks pretty great with pink hair! Silver-linings. 🙂

Beelzebub 

… The concept of Beel "going soft" is almost an oxymoron. He IS soft, but his personality was never what made him intimidating to start with.

Behind all his kindness, Beel packs more firepower than at least 4 for his siblings combined and most people remember that fact. Hell, the guy looks like he could lift a semi and he probably would if he ever tried. 

However, that doesn’t save him from being underestimated completely... Especially when an upstart or two thinks he's too nice to actually start a fight...

He and the MC were coming back from the grocery store with the usual armfuls of sacks when the MC accidentally walked into a lesser demon on the street. Since their arms were full, several items spilled out from the bags and onto the ground…

The MC was quick to apologize to the demon and try to get down to clean the mess, but the asshole just kept walking… and Beel really didn't like that.

Beel: "Hey! Aren't you going to say, 'Sorry?'"

The lesser demon hardly looked over his shoulder to respond.

Lesser Demon: "Why should I? That's your human. Take care of them yourself."

Well it didn't take long for some of Beel's bags to hit the floor so he could lift the demon up by the back of the neck properly. When he turned the guy to face him, he made sure to bring his face reeaal close so he could hear him growl...

Beel: "Apologize. Or I'll eat you."

And like that, the asshole's mood went from "Do it yourself," to "Yessir Mr. Beelzebub, sir!" right quick!

The MC didn't have to carry a single bag another step and Beel got to keep his free hand so he could link it with theirs!... all while Beel kept mushing their new pack-mule forward like a sled dog back to the House. Thanks, Beel! 😊

Belphegor 

Kind of similar to Asmo, Belphie prefers to come off as unassuming on most days. But don't let his, "I'm a harmless sleepy boy" shtick fool you. He will cut a bitch if he's so motivated...

Thankfully for the world, he's generally not motivated. But that can be changed under the right circumstances...

Belphie and the MC were on yet another date to the botanical gardens. It's a peaceful place, though the MC can never go alone because of the frankly concerning amount of flesh-eating plants… Pretty, but also deadly, you know?

The two of them were walking to another rest spot when Belphie heard whispering from a demon behind them, seemingly on his phone…

Lesser Demon: “Yeah, I can see them right now…”

Lesser Demon: “I know right? It's so lame that these guys are in charge of us… They can't even say no to a dumb human!”

Lesser Demon: “What do you mean keep my voice down? Dude, it's fine! This is Belphegor we're talking about, the hell is he going to do if he hears me?”

… Huh.

The answer to the man's question was a simple one. Flash into his demon form for just a moment and whip out his tail... It only took a quick swipe to make him trip and fall right into the foliage. The man-eating… carnivorous… hungry… foliage….

Belphie was back to normal by the time the jerk let out his first scream and the MC almost stopped to see what had happened.

MC: "What the-oh my God!! Should we help-??”

Belphie: *puts his hands on their shoulders to keep them moving, not even glancing back* “Someone else will take care of it. Let's see the roses.”

Even when the desperate cries for help became distant, it took all Belphie had to stifle a smile…

Sometimes, you've got to love irony. 🤷‍♀️😏

[blackstarising]

coming back to this post i made again to elaborate - especially as the ted lasso fandom is discussing sam/rebecca and fandom racism in general. there are takes that are important to make that i had failed to previously, but there's also a growing amount of takes that i have to, As A Black Person™, respectfully disagree with.

tl;dr for the essay below sam being infantilized and the sam/rebecca relationship are not the same issue and discussing the former one doesn't mean excusing the latter. and we've reached the glen of the Dark Forest where we sit down and talk about fandom racism.

i should have elaborated this in my last post about sam/rebecca, but i didn't. i'll say it now - i personally don't support sam and rebecca getting together for real. i believe what people are saying is entirely correct, even though sam is an adult legally, he and rebecca are, at the very least, two wildly different stages of life. for americans, he's at the equivalent of being a junior in college. there are things he hasn't gotten the chance to experience and there are areas he needs to grow in. when i was younger, i didn't understand the significance of these age gaps, i just thought it would be fine if it was legal, but as someone who is now a little older than sam in universe, i understand fully. we can't downplay this. whether or not you think sam works for rebecca or not, even despite the gender inversion of the Older Man Younger Woman trope, whether or not he is a legal adult, i don't think at this point in time, their relationship would work. i think it's an interesting narrative device, but i don't want to see it play out in reality.

that being said!

what's worrying me is that two discussions are being conflated here that shouldn't be. sam having agency and being a little more grown™ than he's perceived to be does not suddenly make his relationship with rebecca justified. i had decided to bring it up because sam was being brought into the spotlight again and i was starting to realizing that his infantilization was more common than i felt comfortable with.

sam's infantilization (and i will continue to call it that), is a microaggression. it's is in the range of microaggressions that i would categorize as 'fandom overcompensation'. we have a prominent character of color that exhibits traits that aren't stereotypical, and we don't want to appear racist or stereotypical, so we lean hard in the other direction. they're not aggressive, they're a Sweet Baby, they're not world weary, they're now a little naive. they're not cold and distant, they're so nice and sweet that there's no one that wouldn't want approach them, and yeah, on their face, these new traits are a departure and, on their face, they seem they look really good.

but at a certain point, it reaches an inflection point, and, like the aftertaste of a diet coke, that alleged sweetness veers into something a lot less sweet. it veers into a lack of agency for the character. it veers into an innocence that appears to indicate that the person can't even take care of themselves. it veers into a one-dimensional characterization that doesn't allow for any depth or negative emotion.

it's not kind anymore. it's not a nice departure from negative stereotypes. it's not compensating for anything.

it's patronizing.

it is important that we emphasize that characters of color are more than the toxic stereotypes we lay on them, yes, but we make a mistake in thinking that the solution is overcorrection. for one thing, people of color can usually tell. don't get it twisted, it's actually pretty obvious. for another, it just shifts from one dimension to another. people of color are still supposed to be Only One Character Trait while white people can contain multitudes. ted, who is pretty much as pollyanna as they come, can be at once innocent and naive and deep and troubled and funny and scared. jamie can be a prick and sexy and also lonely and also a victim of abuse. sam, however, even though he was bullied (by jamie, no less), is thousands of miles away from home, and has led a protest on his team, is usually just characterized as human sunshine with much less acknowledgement of any other traits beyond that.

and that's why i cringe when fandom calls sam a Sweet Baby Boy without any sense of irony. is that all we're taking away? after all this time? even for a comedy, sam has received a substantive of screen time over two whole seasons, and we've seen a range of emotions from him. so as a black person it's hurtful that it's boiled down to Sweet Baby Boy.

that's the problem. we need to subvert stereotypes, but more importantly, we need to understand that people of color are not props, or pieces of cardboard for their white counterparts. they are full and actualized and have agency in their own right and they can have other emotions than Angry and Mean or Sweet and Bubbly without any nuance between the two. i think the show actually does a relatively good job of giving sam depth (relatively, always room for improvement, mind you), especially holding it in tension with his youth, but the fandom, i worry, does not.

it's the same reason why finn from star wars started out as the next male protagonist in the sequel trilogy but by the third movie was just running around yelling for REY!! it's the same reason why when people make Phase 4 Is the Phase For Therapy gifsets for the mcu and show wanda maximoff, loki, and bucky barnes crying and being sad but purposefully exclude sam wilson who had an entire show to tell us how difficult his life is, because people find out if pee oh sees are also complex, they'll tell the church.

and the reason why i picked up on this very early on is because i am an organic, certified fresh, 100% homegrown, non-gmo, a little ashy, indigenous sub saharan African black person. the ghanaian tribes i'm descended from have told me so, my black ass parents have told me so, and the nurses at the hospital in [insert asian country here] that started freaking out about how curly my hair was as my mother was mid pushing me out told me so!

and this stuff has real life implications. listen: being patronized as a black person sucks. do you know how many times i was patted on the back for doing quite honestly, the bare minimum in school? do you know how many times i was told how 'well spoken' or 'eloquent' i was because i just happen to have a white accent or use three syllable words? do you know how many times i've been cooed over by white women who couldn't get over how sweet i was just because i wasn't confrontational or rude like they wrongly expected me to be?

that's why they're called microaggressions. it's not a cross on your lawn or having the n-word spat in your face, but it cuts you down little by little until you're completely drained.

so that's the nuance. that's the subversion. the overcompensation is not a good thing. and people of color (and i suspect, even white people) have picked up on, in general, the different ways fandom treats sam and dani and even nate. what all of these discussions are converging on is fandom racism, which is not the diet form of racism, but another place for racism to reveal itself. and yeah, it's uncomfortable. it can seem out of left field. you may want to defend yourself. you may want to explain it away. but let me tap the sign on the proverbial bus:

if you are a white person, or a person of color who is not part of that racial group, even, you do not get to decide what is not racist for someone. full stop. there are no exceptions. there is no exit clause for you. there is no 'but, actually-'. that right wasn't even yours to cede or waive.

(it's also important to note that people of color also have the right to disagree on whether something is racist, but that doesn't necessarily negate the racism - it just means there's more to discuss and they can still leave with different interpretations)

people don't just whip out accusations of racism like a blue eyes white dragon in a yu-gi-oh duel. it's not fun for us. it's not something we like to do to muzzle people we don't want to engage with. and we're not concerned with making someone feel bad or ashamed. we're exposing something painful that we have to live with and, even worse, process literally everything we experience through. we can't turn it off. we can't be 'less sensitive' or 'less nitpicky'. we are literally the primary resources, we are the proverbial wikipedia articles with 3,000 sources when it comes to racism. who else would know more than us?

what 2020 has shown us very clearly is that racism is systemic. it's not always a bunch of Evil White Men rubbing their hands together in a dark room wondering how they're going to use the 'n-word' today. it's systemic. it's the way you call that one neighborhood 'sketchy'. it's how you use 'ratchet' and 'ghetto' when describing something bad. it's how you implicitly the assume the intelligence of your friend of color. it's the way you turned up your nose and your friend's food and bullied them for it in middle school but go to restaurants run by white people who have 'uplifted' it with inauthentic ingredients. it's telling someone how Well Spoken and Eloquent they are even though you've both gone to the same schools and work at the same workplace. it's the way you look down at some people of color for having a different body type than you because they've been redlined to neighborhoods where certain foods and resources are inaccessible, and yet mock up the racial features that appeal to you either through makeup or plastic surgery.

it's how when a person of color behaves badly, they're irredeemable, but a white person performing the same act or something similar is 'having a bad day' or 'isn't normally like this' or 'has room to grow' and we can't 'wait for their redemption arc', and yes, i'm not going to cover it in detail in this post but yes this is very much about nate. other people have also brought up the nuances in his arc and compared them to other white characters so i won't do it here.

these behaviors and reactions aren't planned. they aren't orchestrated. they're quite literally unconscious because they've been lovingly baked into western society for centuries. you can't wake up and be rid of it. whether you intended it or not, it can still be racist.

and it's actually quite hurtful and unfair to imply that concerns about racism in the TL fandom are unfounded or lacking any depth or simply meant to be sensational because you simply don't agree with it. i wish it was different, but it doesn't work that way. i'm not raising this up to 'call out' or shame people, but i'm adding to this discussion because, through how we talk about sam, and even dani and nate, i'm yet again seeing a pattern that has shortchanged people of color and made them feel unwelcome in fandom for far too long.

coach beard said it best: we need to do better.

[pumpkinpaix]

Pleeeeeeease get into the class one at some point because I very much want to understand the class dynamics happening in the story but I have yet to find a meta that dives into it

god anon you want me dead don’t you alsjdfljks

referring to this post

okay, so -- my specific salt about class interpretations in mdzs are very targeted. I can’t pretend to have a deep understanding of how class works in mdzs generally because uhhhhh yeah i don’t think i have that. i’m just not familiar enough with the genre and/or the particulars of chinese class systems. but! i can talk in general terms as to why I feel a certain way about the class dynamics that I do think I understand and how I think they relate to the themes of the novel! i’m gonna talk about wei wuxian, the daozhangs, xue yang, and 3zun with, I’m sure, a bunch of digressions along the way.

the usual disclaimers: i do not think you are a bad person if you hold opinions contrary to my own. i may disagree with you very strongly, but like. this isn’t a moral judgment, fandom is transformative and interpretive etc. etc. and i may change my mind. who knows what the future will bring!

OKAY so let’s begin!

here’s the thing about wei wuxian: he’s not poor. I think because characters use “son of a servant” kind of often when they’re trying to insult him, a lot of people latch onto that and think that it’s a much stronger indication of his societal status than it actually is. iirc, most of the insults that fall along the “son of a servant” line come after wei wuxian starts breaking severely from tradition. it’s a convenient thing to attack him for, but doesn’t actually indicate anything about his wealth. (exception: yu ziyuan, but that’s a personal familial issue) this is in direct contrast to jin guangyao who is constantly mocked for his family line, publicly and privately, no matter what he does.

so this, coupled with all the jokes about wwx never having any money (wei wuqian, sizhui’s “i’ve long since known you had no money” etc.), plus his like, rough years on the street as a child ends up producing this interpretation of wei wuxian, especially in modern aus, as someone who is very class conscious and “eat the rich”. but the fact of the matter is, wei wuxian IS rich. aside from the years in his childhood and the last two years of his life in yiling, like -- wei wuxian had money and status. he is gentry. he is respected as gentry. he is treated as a son by the sect leader of yunmeng jiang -- he does not have the jiang name, but it is so very clear that jiang fengmian favors him. wei wuxian is ranked fourth of all the eligible young masters in the cultivation world -- that is not a ranking he could have attained without being accepted into the upper class.

wei wuxian’s poverty does not affect him in the way that it affects jin guangyao or xue yang. he is of low-ish birth (still the son of jiang fengmian’s right hand man though! ok sure, “son of a servant” but like. >_> whatever anyways), but for most of his life he had money. he, jiang cheng, and their sect brothers go into town and steal lotus pods with the understanding that “jiang-shushu will pay for it”. this is a regular thing! that’s fucking rich kid behavior!!! wei wuxian is careless with money because he doesn’t have to worry about it. he still has almost all the benefits of being upper class: education, food security, respect, recognition etc. I think there may also be a misconception that wei wuxian was always on the verge of being kicked out by yu ziyuan, or that he was constantly walking on eggshells around her for fear of being disowned, but that is just textually untrue. i could provide receipts, but I admittedly don’t really feel like digging them up just now ;;

even in his last years in yiling, he was not the one who was dealing with the acute knowledge of poverty: wen qing is the one managing the money, and as far as we know, wei wuxian did little to no management of daily life during the burial mounds days -- mostly, he’s described as hiding in his cave for days on end, working on his inventions, running around like a force of chaos, frivolously making a mess of things -- it’s very very cute that he buries a’yuan in the dirt, but in classic wei wuxian fashion, he did Not think about the practical consequences of it -- that A’Yuan has no other clean clothes, and now he’s gotten this set dirty and has no intention of washing them. is this a personality thing? yeah, but I think it’s also indicative of his lack of concern over the logistics of everyday survival, re: wealth.

furthermore, i think it is important to remember that wei wuxian, when he is protecting the wen remnants, is not protecting common folk: he is still protecting gentry. fallen gentry, yes! but gentry nonetheless. wen qing was favored by wen ruohan, and wen ning himself says that he has a retinue of people under his command (the remnants, essentially). their branch of the family do not have the experience of living and growing in poverty -- they are impoverished and persecuted in their last years, but that’s a very different thing from being impoverished your whole life. (sidenote: I do not believe wei wuxian’s primary motivation for defending the wen remnants was justice -- i believe he did it because he felt he owed wen ning and wen qing a life debt, and once he was there, he wasn’t going to stand around and let the work camps go on. yes, he is concerned about justice and doing the right thing, but that’s not why he went in the first place. anyways, that’s another meta)

after wei wuxian returns, he then marries back into gentry, and very wealthy gentry at that. lwj provides him all the money he could ever want, he is never worried about going homeless, starving, being denied opportunities based on his class and accompanying disadvantages. who would dare? and neither wei wuxian nor lan wangji seem to have much interest in shaking up the order of things, except in little things like the way they teach the juniors. they live in gusu, under the auspices of the lan, and they live a happy, domestic life.

were his years on the street traumatizing? yes, of course they were, there’s so much delicious character exploration to be done re: wei wuxian’s relationship to food, his relationship to his own needs, and his relationship to the people he loves. it’s all important and good! but I feel very strongly that that experience, while it was formative for him, did not impart any true understanding of poverty and the common person’s everyday struggles, nor do I think he ever really gains that understanding. he is observant and canny and aware of class and blood, certainly, but not in a way that makes it his primary hill to die on (badum-tss).

this is in very stark contrast to characters like jin guangyao and xue yang, and to some extent, xiao xingchen and song lan. I’ll start with the daozhangs, because I think they’re the simplest (??).

I think both xiao xingchen and song lan have class consciousness, but in a very simplified, broad-strokes kind of way (at least, given the information we know about them). we know that the two of them share similar values and want to one day form their own sect that gives no weight to the nobility of your lineage and has no concern with your wealth. we also know that they both disdain intersect politics and are more concerned with ideals and principles rather than status. but, I think because of that, this actually somewhat limits their perception and understanding of how status is used to oppress. as far as we know, neither of them participated on any side in sunshot and they demonstrate much more interest in relating to the commoners. honestly, i hc that they were flitting around trying to help decimated towns, protecting defenseless villages etc. I ALSO think this has a lot of interesting potential in terms of xiao xingchen and wei wuxian’s relationship, if xiao xingchen is ever revived. regardless of whether you’re in CQL or novel verse, xiao xingchen really doesn’t know wei wuxian at all, other than knowing that he’s his shijie’s son. he knows that cangse-sanren met with a tragic end, like yanling-daoren before her, and that he wants to be different. but here is cangse-sanren’s son, laying waste to entire cities, desecrating the dead. I would very much like to get into xiao xingchen’s head during that period of time (and i think, if i do it right, i can write some of it into the songxiao fixit), but that’s neither here nor there, because i’ve wandered off from my point again.

i would posit that song lan is used to an ascetic lifestyle, and xiao xingchen probably is too -- but that’s different from poverty because there’s an element of choice to it. I also think that neither of them is particularly worldly, xiao xingchen especially. he lived on an isolated mountain until he was like, seventeen, and he came down full of ideals and naivete about how the world worked. I think that both of them see inequality, that they are angered by it, and that they want to do something about it -- but their solution is neither to topple the sects, nor is it to reform the system. rather, it seems to be more about withdrawing and creating their own removed world. I think that the daozhangs embody a kind of utopianism that isn’t present in the minds of any of the other characters, not even wangxian. honestly, baoshan-sanren’s mountain is a utopian ideal, but one that is not described. it exists outside of and beyond the world. i have a lot of jumbled, vague thoughts about utopianism generally, mostly informed by china miéville and ursula k. le guin, and I don’t think i have the ability to articulate them here, but i wanted to. hm. say something? there is something about the inherent dystopianism contained within every utopia, that utopias are necessary, but also reflections of the existence of terrible things in their conception. idk. there’s something in there, I know it!! but i suppose what I want to say is -- i do not think the daozhangs understand class and social hierarchy very deeply because they don’t see a need to examine it deeply. for their goals, the details aren’t the point. they’re not looking to reform within the system, they’re looking to build something outside of it. I think they spend a lot of time concerned with alleviating the symptoms of social oppression, and their values reflect the injustices they witness there.

regardless, even if their story ends in tragedy and there is a certain amount of critique re: the utopian approach, i think the text still emphasizes that xiao xingchen left a utopia and that he thought that people mattered enough for him to try, and that was an incredibly honorable, kind, and human thing to do.

YEAH SURE THE DAOZHANGS ARE THE SIMPLEST ok ok RETURNING to class and moving forward: xue yang.

i also don’t think xue yang has class consciousness lol, or not in any way that really matters, but I do think poverty impacted him in a much stronger way than it impacted wei wuxian. wei wuxian spent some years on the street as a child. xue yang grew up on the streets. chang ci’an’s horrific treatment of him was directly due to his class and social standing: chang ci’an is a nobleman and xue yang is not even worth the dirt beneath the wheels of his cart. what I think is the seminal point though, is that this does not make xue yang think particularly deeply about systemic injustice, because xue yang is so self-centered, self-driven, and individualistic. he is not even slightly concerned about how poverty and class might affect other people -- they’re other people. what he takes away from his experience is not an anger at being wrongfully cheated by a system, but an anger at being wrongfully cheated by a specific man.

xue yang is not particularly concerned with the politics of the aristocracy -- he has no obvious ambitions other than, “i want to eat sweets whenever i please”, “i want to hurt anyone who wrongs me”, and “i want to be so strong that no one can hurt me”. like, he just doesn’t care -- it’s not the kind of power he wants. he sneers at people for like, personal reasons, not class reasons -- “you think you’re better than me” re: xiao xingchen and song lan. to him, all people -- poor, wealthy, noble, common -- are essentially equal, and they are all beneath him. after all, what does he care what family someone comes from, how much money they have? everyone bleeds when you cut them. some of them might be harder to get to than others, but xue yang does not fear that sort of thing. it’s just another obstacle he needs to vault on his way to getting revenge and/or a pastry.

ANYWAYS onto jin guangyao (wow this is hm. getting rather long ahaha oh dear): I would argue that the two characters with the most acute understanding of class/societal politics and the injustice of them are jin guangyao and lan xichen. i’ll start with jin guangyao for obvious reasons.

where xue yang took the damaging effects of poverty as personal slights, I think jin guangyao is painfully aware that there is nothing personal about them, which is, in some ways, much worse. why are two sons, born on the same day to the same father, treated so differently? just because.

he watched his mother struggle and starve and work herself to the bone in a profession where she was constantly disrespected and abused for almost nothing in return, while his father could have lifted her out of poverty with the wave of a finger. why didn’t he? because he didn’t like her? no -- because he didn’t care, and the structures of the society they live in protect that kind of blase treatment of the lower class.

“so my mother couldn’t choose her own fate, is that her fault?” jin guangyao demands. he knows that he is unbelievably talented, that he has ambition, that he has potential, and that all of it is beyond his grasp just because his father didn’t want to bother with it. his mother’s life was destroyed, and his own opportunities were crippled with that negligence. it isn’t personal. that’s just the way things are. your individual identity is meaningless, your humanity does not exist. when he’s kicked down the steps of jinlin tai, it’s just more confirmation that no matter how talented or hardworking he is, no one will give him the time of day unless he finds a way to take it himself and become someone who “matters”.

jin guangyao’s cultivation is weak because he had a poor foundation, and he had a poor foundation because he was denied access to a good one. he copies others because that’s all he can do at this point, and he copies so well that he can hold his own against some of the strongest cultivators of his generation. he’s disparaged for copying and “stealing” techniques, but -- he never would have had to if only he had been born/accepted into the upper class. the fact is that i really do think jin guangyao was the most promising cultivator of his generation that we meet, including the twin jades and wei wuxian: he had natural talent, ambition, creativity, determination and cunning in spades. in some ways, I think that’s one of the overlooked tragedies of jin guangyao: the loss of not just the good man he could have been, but the powerful one too. imagine what he could have done.

jin guangyao spends his entire time in the world of the aristocracy feeling unsteady and terrified because he knows exactly how precarious his position is. he knows how easy it is to lose power, especially for someone like him. he’s working against so many disadvantages, and every scrap of honor he gets is a vicious battle. jin guangyao fears, and I think that’s something that’s lacking in xue yang, wei wuxian and the daozhangs’ experiences/understandings of poverty. i think it’s precisely that fear that emphasizes jin guangyao’s understanding of class and blood. jin guangyao exhibits an anxiety that neither wei wuxian nor xue yang do, and it’s because he truly knows how little he is worth in the eyes of society and how little there is he can do to change that. to me, it very much feels related to the anxiety of not knowing if tomorrow you’ll have something to eat, if tomorrow you’ll still have a home, if tomorrow someone will destroy you and never have to answer for it. it’s the anxiety of knowing helplessness intimately.

moreover, jin guangyao is the only person shown to use the wealth and power at his disposal to take concrete steps to actually help the common people typically ignored by the powerful -- the watchtowers. they’re described in chapter 42. it’s a system that is designed to cover remote areas that most cultivators are reluctant to go due to their inconvenience and the lack of means of the people who live there. the watchtowers assign cultivators to different posts, give aid to those previously forgotten, and if the people are too poor to pay what the cultivators demand, the lanling jin sect pays for it. jin guangyao worked on this for five years and burned a lot of bridges over it. people were strongly opposed to it, thinking that it was some kind of ploy for lanling jin’s personal benefit. but the thing is -- it worked. they were effective. people were helped.

i believe CQL frames the watchtowers as an allegory for a surveillance state/centralized control (i think?? it’s been a minute -- that’s the hazy impression i remember, something like a parallel to the wen supervisory offices?), but I personally don’t think that was the intent in the novel. the watchtowers are a public good. lanling jin doesn’t staff them with their own sect members -- they get nearby sects to staff them. it’s a warning network that they fund that’s supposed to benefit everyone, even those that everyone had considered expendable.

(did jin guangyao do terrible things to achieve this goal? yeah lol. it’s not confirmed, but his son sure did die... suspiciously...... at the hands of an outspoken critic of the watchtowers........ whom he then executed....... so like, maybe just a convenient coincidence for jin guangyao, two birds one stone, but. it seems. Unlikely.)

lan xichen is the only member of the gentry that ever shows serious compassion for and nuanced understanding of jin guangyao’s circumstances. lan xichen treats him as his equal regardless of jin guangyao’s current status -- even when he was meng yao, lan xichen treated him as a human being worthy of respect, as someone with great merits, as someone he would choose as a friend, but he did so knowing full well the delicate position meng yao occupied. this is in direct contrast to nie mingjue, who also believed that meng yao was worthy of respect as a human being, but was completely unable to comprehend the complexities of his circumstances and unwilling to grant him any grace. you know, the difference between “i acknowledge that your birth and status have had effects upon you, but I don’t think less of you for it” and “i don’t consider your birth and status at all when i interact with you because i think it is irrelevant” (“i don’t see color” anyone?)

to illustrate, from chapter 48:

大抵是觉得娼妓之子身上说不定也带着什么不干净的东西，这几名修士接过他双手奉上来的茶盏后，并不饮下，而是放到一边，还取出雪白的手巾，很难受似的，有意无意反复擦拭刚才碰过茶盏的手指。聂明玦并非细致之人，未曾注意到这种细节，魏无羡却用眼角余光扫到了这些。孟瑶视若未见，笑容不坠半分，继续奉茶。蓝曦臣接过茶盏之时，抬眸看他一眼，微笑道：“多谢。”

旋即低头饮了一口，这才继续与聂明玦交谈。旁的修士见了，有些不自在起来。

rough tl:

Probably because they believed that the son of a prostitute might also carry some unclean things upon his person, after these few cultivators took the teacups offered from [Meng Yao’s] two hands, they did not drink, but instead put them to one side, and furthermore brought out snow white handkerchiefs. Quite uncomfortably, and whether they were aware of it or not, they repeatedly wiped the fingers they had just used to touch the teacups. Nie Mingjue was not a detail-oriented person and never took note of such particulars, but Wei Wuxian caught these in the corner of his eye. Meng Yao appeared as if he had not seen, his smile unwavering in the slightest, and continued to serve tea. When Lan Xichen took the teacup, he glanced up at him and, smiling, said, “Thank you.”

He immediately dipped his head to take a sip, and only then continued to converse with Nie Mingjue. Seeing this, the nearby cultivators began to feel somewhat uneasy.

all right, since we’re in full cyan-rampaging-through-the-weeds mode at this point, i’m going to talk about how this is one of my favorite 3zun moments in the entire novel for characterization purposes because it really highlights how they all relate to one another, and to what degree each of them is aware of their own position in relation to the others and society as a whole.

1. nie mingjue, who is a forthright and blunt person, sets meng yao to serving tea and is done with it. he notices nothing wrong or inappropriate about the reactions of the people in the room because it’s not the sort of thing he considers important.

2. meng yao, knowing that his only avenue is to take it lying down with a smile, masks perfectly.

3. lan xichen, noticing all this, uses his own reputation to achieve two things at once: pointedly shame the other cultivators in attendance, and show meng yao that regardless of others’ opinions, he considers him an equal and does not endorse such behavior--and he does it while taking care that no fallout will come down on meng yao’s head.

is this yet another installment of cyan’s endless lxc defense thesis? why yes it is! no one is surprised! but this is my whole point: both meng yao and lan xichen understand the respective hierarchy and power dynamics within the room, while nie mingjue very much does not. this is not because nie mingjue is a bad person or because nie mingjue is stupid--it’s a combination of personality and upbringing. nie mingjue is straightforward and has no patience for such games. but then again, he can afford not to play because he was born into such a high position: that’s a privilege.

to break it down: meng yao knows that he is the lowest-ranked person in the room, sees the way people are subtly disrespecting him in full view of his general who is doing nothing about it. in some ways, this is good -- nie mingjue’s style of dealing with conflict is very direct and not at all suited to delicate political maneuvering. after all, the way he promoted meng yao was actually quite dangerous to meng yao: he essentially guaranteed that his men would bear meng yao a grudge and that their disrespect for him would only be compounded by their bitterness at being punished on his behalf. (it’s like, why often getting parents or teachers to intervene ineffectively in bullying can just be an incitement to more bullying -- same concept) meng yao’s reaction during that scene shows that he’s pretty painfully aware of this and is trying to defuse the situation to no avail. nie mingjue gives him a bootstrap speech (rip nie mingjue i love u so much but. sir) and then promotes him, which is pretty much the only saving grace of that entire exchange, for meng yao at least.

lan xichen, on the other hand, understands both that meng yao is the lowest-ranked person in the room and that any direct attempt to chastise the other cultivators in the room will only serve to hurt meng yao in the long run. he knows that if this were brought to nie mingjue’s attention, he would be outraged and not shy about it -- also bad for meng yao. so he uses what he has: his immaculate reputation. by acting contrary to the other cultivators’ behavior, he demonstrates that he finds their actions unacceptable but with the plausible deniability that it wasn’t directed at them, that this is just zewu-jun being his usual generous self. this means that the other cultivators have no one to blame but themselves, nothing to do but question their own actions. there is nowhere to cast off their discomfort. meng yao didn’t do anything. lan xichen didn’t do anything -- he just thanked meng yao and drank his tea, isn’t that what it’s there for? he doesn’t disrupt the peace, he doesn’t attack anyone and put them on the defensive, but he does make his position very clear.

i know this is a really small thing and i’m probably beating it to death, but I really think this shows just how cognizant lan xichen is of politics and emotional cause and effect in such situations. certainly, out of context I think the scene reads kind of cliche, but within the greater narrative of the story and within the arc of these characters specifically, I think it was a really smart scene to include. it also showcases lan xichen’s style of action: that he moves around and with a problematic situation as opposed to moving straight through.

not to be salty on main again, but this is why it’s very frustrating to me when I see people call lan xichen passive when he is anything but. his actions just don’t look like traditional “actions”, especially to an american audience. it’s easy to understand lan wangji and wei wuxian’s style of problem-solving: taking a stand, moving through, staying strong. lan xichen is juggling an inconceivable number of factors in any given situation, weighing his responsibilities in one role against those in another, and then trying to find the path through the thicket that will cause the least harm, both to himself and the thicket. lan wangji and wei wuxian are not particularly good at considering the far-reaching consequences of their actions -- again, not because they are bad people, but because of a combination of personality and upbringing. they’d just hack through the thicket, not thinking about the creatures that live in it. that is not a terrible thing! it isn’t. it’s a different way of approaching a problem, and it has different priorities. that’s okay. there are advantages and disadvantages on both sides, and where you come down is going to depend on your personal values.

okay we’ve spiraled far and away from my original point, but let’s circle back: i was talking about class.

I think it’s undeniable that class, birthright, fate etc. are some of the driving forces of thematic conflict in mdzs, and the way each character interacts with those forces reveals a lot about themselves and also about the larger themes of fate, chance, and what it means to be righteous and good and how that is and isn’t rewarded. a lot of the tragedy of mdzs (the tragedy that isn’t caused by direct aggression on the part of one group or another) stems from the injustices and slights that people suffered due to their lot in life. it isn’t fair. none of it is fair! we sympathize with jin guangyao because we recognize that what he suffered was unconscionable, even if we don’t excuse him. i sympathize A Lot with xue yang as well for similar reasons, though I understand that’s a harder sell. this is a story focused on the mistakes of an entrenched, aging gentry and the effects that those mistakes had on their children, and a lot of it has to do with prejudice based in class and birth status. whether the prejudice was the true reason or whether it was just a convenient excuse, the fact remains that the systems in place rewarded and protected the people in power who used it to cling to that power. mdzs is also a story of how the circumstances of one’s life can offer you impossible choices that you cannot abstain from, and it asks us to be compassionate to the people who made terrible choices in terrible times. it’s about the inherent complexity in all things! that sometimes, there are no good choices, and i don’t know, i’d like to think that people would show me compassion if I had to make the choices some of these characters did. not just wei wuxian, mind you, every single one of them. except jin guangshan because I Do Hate Him sorry. and i guess wen ruohan. i think that’s it.

good. GOD this is clocking in at //checks notes -- just over 5k. 8′D *stuffs some weeds into my mouth like the clown i am*

(ko-fi? :’D *lies down*)

[buffyfan145]

Wanted to put my thoughts together about what I actually think is happening with Eddie on “Stranger Things” in the finale and there’s 2 possible theories here but still fully convinced he lives and will make it to season 5. Putting behind a cut for possible spoilers.

So if anyone hasn’t seen my posts and comments on things I’m certain the major death actually is Steve. There will be lots of other deaths of the guest stars and recurring cast but there’s been teasers/possible spoilers for months that someone from the original/season 1 cast was getting killed off and of course my mind went to Steve mostly because of how popular Joe Keery has gotten and this tends to happen to my shows that at least one cast member will leave early to launch their own film career. Plus knowing the Duffers were planning to kill Steve in season 1 and some of the scenes we’ve gotten already in season 4 that it feels like they’re setting up Steve dying. I’ve always even though that Eddie was brought into the show to be Steve’s replacement not just for Dustin, Mike, and Lucas, but all the kids and even now Robin, Nancy, and Erica. His scenes so far with everyone has fully brought him into the group, and even he and Steve get along. Then even revisiting the whole Steve and Nancy romance also fits if he’s going to die as it goes full circle and the storyline with Sarah and Paul on “Orphan Black” went the exact same way before he died saving her and her family.

Then the thing with Joseph Quinn’s Spotify getting leaked and seeing his Eddie playlist with “The Promise” from When in Rome on it. That song even talks about making a promise to someone about being there for them and while it does fit about Dustin and the kids, I can see if Steve gets ready to sacrifice himself that he makes Eddie promise him to take care of the kids and Robin which Eddie will do. Also taking in Kate Bush’s “Running Up that Hill” and the part about swapping places with someone and stealing their moment made me think that it looks like Eddie will die during that guitar scene but then he doesn’t and Steve’s death takes his place.

The 2nd theory goes along with the theory of Eddie being the grown up Ten and that his powers have been dormant for so long but the guitar scene brings them back, similar to how El’s came back.  This would also make it looks like he’s going to be killed but then he’s able to fully embrace his powers again and kill those bats or whatever is after him.

Either way I don’t believe he’s dying but that the show and writers are trying to make it look like he will to cover up who really does get killed off which is likely Steve. Then also Eddie’s storyline this season has to end with him getting cleared and that only works if he’s alive. We’re almost at the end of this show and pretty much anyone now can get killed off so it doesn’t matter if they’re one of the most popular characters. And season 5 likely will kill even more so we just have to get used to losing a whole bunch of them.

ETA: Been seeing even more about Joe Keery and that it’s looking even more likely he decided to leave the show and asked the writers to write him out like I was wondering about with his movie career taking off. If that’s true I don’t blame him though as it might be the right time to pursue that but will be so sad to lose Steve.

[moonlit-imagines]

Misbehavior (Part 1)

Jason Todd x batkid!reader

warnings:

a/n: tysm anon!!

prompt: anonymous: “Hello Lacey! Hope your doing great! Could I please request a bat family x batsis!reader where the reader is Kind of the middle child (I was thinking older than Damian but younger than Tim) and she’s always forgotten and in the back. Maybe some scenarios can be that no one listens when she talks or they forget to invite her to do stuff. So then one day she acts up in school like maybe punching someone for no good reason because she’s craving attention but instead of Bruce showing up to get her Jason shows up and he sees that she’s actually really sad and starts to question her until she tells him everything and maybe spills some tears and it ends with just Jason comforting her and cheering her up. Just some soft Jason for my soul! Also have a great day and I hope that you feel better and more motivated now after your break! 😘”

part 2

No matter what you did, none of your deeds went unnoticed. Good or bad.

You always heard how Dick was so independent, the one everyone should use as an example.

You always heard how Barbara could do it all, she never failed to impress.

You always heard how Jason was reckless, someone who needed to get his act together.

You always heard how Tim was such a prodigy, he was one of a kind.

You always heard how Steph was so determined, she had such amazing goals.

You always heard that Cass was perfect, they’d never change a thing about her.

You always heard that Duke was so strong, he’d never give up no matter what stood in his way.

You always heard that Damian was dangerous, a kid that needed to be guided.

But what about you? What did they hear about you? Nothing. No one ever spoke of you, they didn’t have the time. It seemed as if you were just unimpressive, there wasn’t one thing that needed to be mentioned. Stuck in the middle of a bunch of bats and birds, no way to stand out in the crowd.

Maybe not in a mask or a cowl, a dress or a suit, behind a computer or among the darkness, but there was one place you couldn’t be ignored...

You sat at your desk, picking at old tape with the tip of your fingernail. The teacher had nothing interesting to say, so what was the point of being here? What made Gotham Academy so special that you just had to attend this place?

The uniform was overkill, the classes went nowhere, the students were too preppy, and you didn’t have a single thing in common with anyone here.

Anger was starting to bubble inside you as you continued your internal self-loathing. Your mind was only focused on the negative, but it was shifting from school back to home.

No one was ever there for you, not even on patrol. You’d called for backup several times on missions and nearly lost it all when you had to go in alone. If it were anyone else, a teammate would have met them in a heartbeat.

Your plans were always overshadowed whenever you tried to set up a mission or even just a day off. You wanted cookies? Too bad, Tim wants brownies. You wanted to watch a movie? Too bad, everyone chose a TV show. It was the little things that irked you the most. Half the time, you never even got the memo.

And what about when you all come back from patrol with all sorts of injuries and Alfred comes to patch you up? Well, not you. He’ll run to check on cuts and scrapes. Meanwhile, you had a broken wrist and a black eye.

You’d finally run out of things to pick at around your desk which resorted in you tapping instead. There was a brief bit of zoning out as you remembered the time that Damian’s plan for evading Killer Croc’s attack was to push you in the way. Or the time that Jason hid his guns in your bed for reasons he didn’t care to explain. Or when Dick drank the last of the milk and didn’t tell you until after you poured your cereal. Or when Tim told you that you weren’t fit for the mission he had been planning. Or when Bruce blatantly ignored the story you told out of pure excitement, giving you nothing but a “sounds like you had fun.”

While you were in a horrible daze, you felt a hand on your shoulder that snapped you out of it faster than the Barry Allen. Without even evaluating the situation, your reflexes caused you to turn and twist your classmates arm backwards as he screamed.

“Hey! Stop, ow, that hurts! Stop! Stop it!” You processed his words too late and knew exactly what was coming next.

“Y/N L/N!” You teacher shouted as you drew your hand back. “Dean’s office. Right now.” Her sharp voice sent a chill down your spine, not even the Joker could do that. You’d be able to explain the situation pretty easily, you just didn’t want to make it worse. But there was one ankle that sent you off the edge. Another student tripped you on your way through the aisles, and that student caught a fist to the face. The audience gasped and shouting from your teacher ensued, but you didn’t listen, you’d take the punishment at this point. So you walked right out and headed for the dean’s office without so much as a hall pass.

“Mx. l/n? What’s this about?” Dean Williams was surprised to say the least, you’d never been sent in for discipline before. Was there a certain way to do this?

“Well, I zoned out and some kid behind me grabbed my shoulder, I accidentally twisted his arm.” You retold your story, the abridged version. “But on my way out I punched a kid in the face because he tripped me. That one’s on me.”

“...Well,” the dean frowned at his obligations, but had to go through with some kind of punishment, “I’m going to have to suspend you for physical contact with a student. I’ll call your father to come pick you up.” You shrugged and slouched back in your chair, giving up on any hope of talking your way out of this. It might as well just happen. You listened to the clicking of the buttons on the dean’s phone as he typed in the Wayne Manor phone number, obviously reaching Alfred almost immediately.

“Wayne Manor.” You eard his faint voice through the speaker.

“Hello, this is Dean Williams from Gotham Academy, may I speak to Mr. Wayne? I have his child in my office.” Your dean explained over the phone, peeking back at your for a split second. You were completely unbothered, it was baffling.

“Is it Damian?” You heard him ask, causing an involuntary eye roll.

“Y/N, actually.” There was a long pause before someone else picked up the phone. “Mr. Wayne, this is Dean Williams at Gotham Academy. I have y/n sitting across from me right now, they seemed to have gotten themself into a physical altercation with two separate students, I have no choice but to suspend them.” You heard a deep sigh over the phone, then the handheld piece was handed to you.

“Bruce?” You asked.

“Really? Fighting at school?” He sounded unimpressed. Nothing new, even when you do something new.

“Something like that. Whoops.” He hung up on you right after that, so you handed the phone back and told your dean, “Guess they’ll get me soon.”

“You call your father by his first name?” Dean Williams had nosily questioned.

“I’m adopted.” He obviously didn’t know you as well as your more troublesome sibling, it was time he just minded his business.

After a good thirty minutes of silent waiting while listening to keyboard clacking and papers flipping by the front desk, the office door opened, and to your surprise, it was one of your brothers.

“I’m here for y/n.” He mumbled, signing the piece of paper and showing his ID.

“Alright, Mr. Harper, I just have to check some paperwork really quick...” The receptionist went into your file and checked for your emergency contacts. “You’re all set. Now, y/n has been suspended for two weeks. I suggest you get to the bottom of their little ‘outburst’ before they’re able to come back to school.” It actually pissed Jason off to hear her say that.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” His sarcasm wasn’t subtle. “Come on, kid.” Your brother gripped your arm and led you out of the office, noticing your bitter expression that he couldn’t even rationalize. Was that normal? “So what happened. Bruce just told me to come get you.”

“Of course he did.” You rolled your eyes on the brink of tears, he didn’t even come to get you himself. Jason opened the car door for you and nudged you inside, slamming it once you were clear.

“You better have a good reason,” he warned as he started the engine, “I was in the middle of a poker game.”

“Oh, yeah, ‘cause I’m such an inconvenience.” You were starting to remind him of himself. That was never a good thing.

“Okay, my bad. I didn’t mean it like that.” Jason began speeding down the block, you’d never once seen him obey a speed limit. You’d think someone with a fake ID and a death certificate would want to avoid any run-ins with the cops, but Gotham was just one of those cities.

“Yeah, right.” You reached for the radio knobs and felt Jason’s hand wrap around your wrist.

“No music until you explain yourself.” You fell back into your seat to pout, muttering some curses under your breath. “I won’t tell Bruce or anyone. I swear.”

“I just zoned out. Reflexes.” You bluntly replied.

“What?” He still didn’t have any context to go off of.

“I twisted someone’s arm backwards. Honest mistake.” Jason knew there was more to this story. “But on my way out of the classroom, I punched this kid who tried to trip me. That was on him.”

“As much as I condone payback, you can’t do that at school.” He sighed. “You’ve never been sent home before. That I know of. So why now?”

“Yeah, you know, maybe that’s the issue? You couldn’t tell me if I’ve ever gotten in trouble before. None of you could. You couldn’t tell me a definitive thing about me. When’s my birthday, Jason?” He was at a loss for words. “That’s what I thought.”

“So this was all for attention?” Jason asked. “There’s a hell of a lot of better ways to go about that.”

“Tried them all, this one barely even worked.” You replied with a crack in your voice. “How come none of you care about me? Why am I always looked over? I’m just like the rest of you. I put on that stupid suit every night and kick ass, I get my job done, I get good grades, I’m resourceful, I’m special—” You’d let that last one slip in your rant to your older brother, it shocked him so bad he stopped the car.

“I know what you mean.” Jason stared straight ahead at the empty road. “I felt the same way when I came back. After everyone was used to me being back, it was like nothing ever happened. Bruce just went back to calling me careless, irresponsible.”

“At least you get noticed, Jason. Your identifiable.” You turned to him with a pained look and he risked his confidence to look you in the eye. Once he did, he couldn’t look away. It hurt him to see someone so familiar to himself have tears running down their face because they felt forgotten. No kid should ever have to feel like that. That was why Bruce took him in. That was how Jason became Robin.

“Fuck this.” Jason hit the gas and turned the car around. “We’re getting ice cream. Do you like ice cream? That’s a serious question.”

“I...I guess.” You were somewhat confused by his sudden literal change in direction.

“Good. You’re my kid for today, all my attention goes to you. I’m sure Bruce won’t notice if you’re gone for a few hours.” Jason’s jaw dropped at his last comment. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“No, you’re right and you should say it.”

taglist: @thatwaspossession // @ravenmoore14 // @thisetaernallove // @kinoko-kai //

[yourstarvic]

Warning: mention of suggested contents

Taking a deep breath in through your nose, you smoothed down the beautiful white dress you wear. You looked at the mirror in front of you, seeing how the dress looked on you. It was a beautiful off-the-shoulder dress that was a princess ball gown. You looked beautiful in the dress, the way it hugged your body properly making you look beautiful. 

“That dress looks beautiful on you,” One of the workers told you, fixing the train of your dress.

“You think so?” You asked, looking at her reflection.

“I know so,” She smiled at you. “But why are you alone? Shouldn’t you have your maid of honor with you to help?”

“She’s probably running late,” You gave her a tight lip smile, feeling your chest tighten, having a feeling why she is taking so long but you hope you were wrong. 

The salesperson nodded their head in understanding, “Well… In the meantime, I can help you. So what do you think of the dress?”

“I like it,” You said with a smile, “but it doesn’t feel like it’s… the one…”

“Could be the lace…” She hummed, before snapping her fingers and ordering the other salespeople. “I think I have a dress in mind! You, get some heels! Bring one of each and the others get some veils and jewelry and everything you can think of! We need to make sure she finds the one!”

You gave her a smile as she walked off the mini runway and started to look for a dress she had in mind. Everyone followed behind listening to her instructions and going around the store to look for certain items. You were left alone, wearing the beautiful dress with heels and veil that matched with it. 

Picking the skirt up, you walked off the mini walkway and to the small loveseat that was in front of it. Grabbing your phone with shaking hands, you took a deep breath as you opened it and went to the phone app. Your finger hovered over Rieko's number as you gulped, having a gut feeling you weren’t going to like what you hear. With a deep breath, you clicked on her number and put the phone over your ear, waiting to hear her voice.

“H-Hello?” You heard her said breathlessly, trying to catch her breath.

With a shapely breath, you heard a few grunts in the background and her trying to hold something back, “Hey where are you? A-Are you okay?”

“S-Sorry!” She breathed out, letting a small giggles, “M-Meeting went too-Yes!-Long! I-I’m fine! J-Just Haru is-Oh!-Keeping me busy with-Ah!-Paperwork and r-running around!”

“You don’t sound like you’re running,” You clenched your fist over your chest, hearing what she was doing.

“I-I just b-bumped into-Yes!-Something a-and answering someone,” She laughed through the phone, hearing her mewl at something.

“Oh…” You took a deep breathes, trying to calm your aching heart. “I’ll just pick a dress by myself then…”

“Yeah! Yes!” You heard her mewl, “Do that! But don’t get-Ah!-Strapless or-Oh yes!-Off-the-shoulder! They look b-better on me!”

You gave her a quick farewell, you ended the call. You tightly closed your eyes, trying to calm your beating heart and stop the growing ache. Opening your eyes, you then decide to call Haru, trying to ignore the voice in the back of your head. 

“H-Hello?” You heard Haru's voice grunt through the speakers.

“Hey,” You said softly, blinking away the tears as you heard him grunt and Rieko voice in the background. “I-I thought you didn’t have meetings around this time?”

“Y-Yeah…” Haru groaned, “S-Sorry sweetie. It was last minute.”

“Are you okay?” You didn’t know why you asked that. You knew the answer. You knew he was going to make an excuse for why he was so breathless and groaning. You knew whatever he was going to say was only going to hurt you more.

“J-Just chasing after Rieko,” He breathed out, “S-Slow down Rieko!”

“But Haru,” You heard her whine in the background, “w-we need to finished! Would you rather we take longer to finish?”

“I’m probably going to be late tonight,” You heard Haru groaned out, “love you, bye.”

“Bye,” You whispered with a gulp, ending the call with him. You tighten the phone in your grip, trying to take steady breaths and blinking your eyes rapidly to stop the tears from coming. Dropping your phone back on the loveseat, next to your bag, you turned around and looked at the mirror. “Is that how I look?” You asked yourself, slowly walking back up on the platform and to the mirror.

You scanned your face in the mirror, your fingers slightly hovered your face. You moved your head slightly, moving it around to have a good look on your face. The dark bags under your eyes and how dull you looked. 

What happened to me?…

“When did I look so…Sad?” You whispered to yourself. But you knew the answer. You always knew, but you always ignored it. Not wanting to accept they were doing those things behind your back ever since Rieko gotten the job. He was your fiancé and she was your best friend…They wouldn’t do those things to do. They shouldn’t be having an affair but they are. And now here you were, wearing a beautiful wedding dress that was perfect for you. But instead of feeling happy and beautiful, you felt sad and disgusting. 

Looking back at the reflection of the loveseat, you noticed a piece of paper coming out of your bag. Giving yourself a final sad look at yourself in the reflection wiping away the tears that fell. You took a deep breath and walked out of the platform and back to the loveseat. Reaching for the small piece of paper, you noticed it was from when he gave it to. 

“Ya don’t deserve to be cheated on.” You remember his words to you. Playing on repeat in your head as you looked down at it. Breathing out of your nostrils, you tapped on your phone screen to check the time.

It’s almost that time… And I know where the place is…it’s a block or two away…

You quickly shake your head, getting rid of those thoughts. You remember how Haru said he didn’t want you to talk to him. Suddenly, you felt angry at him. How dare he? He has been with your best friend for so many months and he tells you who I can’t talk to? Because of his jealousy?

With determination, you picked up the skirt of your dress and ran out of the wedding boutique, leaving your purse and belongings in the store. Ignoring the salesperson yelling after you, you ran through the sidewalk, ignoring the weird stares. As you ran through the people on the sidewalk, you yelled out apologies to those who you bumped into.

Seeing the building of the address was written on the napkin, you quickly entered it. Running through the halls, you followed the sound of bouncing balls hitting the floor. Seeing wide gym doors, you ran closer to it and slamming it open. 

Keeping the doors open with your hands, you scanned the area as you tried to catch your breath. You ignored everyone’s stare at you, only trying to find a certain pair of eyes. Seeing who you were looking for, you pointed your finger at him, “You!”

“Me?” He asked, smirking at you when he noticed what you were wearing. Marching over to him in the middle of the court with your head held high you ignored everyone’s whispers.

“D-Did she ran away from her wedding… For Atsumu?”

“Atsumu just ruined a wedding…”

“He stole a bride."

“He really is terrible.”

Finally, in front of him, you let out a huff as your stared straight at him, “I couldn’t get your words out of my head.”

The corner of his lips tugged upward, creating a bigger smirk on his face as you ranted to him. “I just… I wasn’t planning to come. But when I saw the napkin I couldn’t stop thinking what you said and you’re right,” You huffed, started to pace in front of him, and moving your arms around to help express your words. “I know I don’t deserve this. I’ve always helped them, support them, did everything to make them happy and this is what I get in return. They took my feelings and disregard out them as if it was nothing and now I’m just this sad, empty shell of what I use to. And that night at the bar… Talking to you was the first time I had ever smile! A real, happy, genuine smile in a long time and I miss that. God! I miss being happy. I miss smiling at things, I miss waking up knowing that I’m loved. I miss everything… So…”

“So?” Atsumu raised his eyebrow. 

You turned to look, your chest rising and falling as you catch your breath. “I say yes,” You swallowed, looking at him determinedly. “I want to be happy again. I want to smile again. I want to make them feel the same way I felt all these months. So yeah…I’ll take your help.”

“Perfect,” He nodded his head, an amusing smile on his face as he looked at your eyes.

“Good,” You nodded, slowly feeling the adrenaline fading.

Outstretching his hand, you eyed it carefully as he said, “Since we are going to spend a bunch of time together, we need to get to know each other. But ya already know who I am.”

“Umm,” You gave him a tight awkward smile, “sorry…But I don’t know who you are…”

“Eh?”

Perking at the sound of sniffled laughter, you leaned a bit to the side to look behind the blonde, seeing three people laughing. Blinking your eyes curiously, you saw an orange hair male and white with black streaks both leaning against each other as they tried not to laugh out loud. Next to them was a black hair curly male, who didn’t bother hiding his laughter.

They were at the bar…they must be good friends...

“Shut it!” The blonde yelled at them, an embarrassing red hue appeared on his cheeks. Clearing his throat, he turned back to you and introduced himself. “Name Miya Atsumu.”

“Nice to meet you, Miya-”

“Atsumu,” He interrupted you with a smile, “ya can call me Atsumu.”

“In that case,” You smiled in return, reaching to shake his hand, “you can call me (Y/n).”

“Nice to meet ya (Y/n),” Atsumu shook your hand and let you go. “Ya can wait outside for me and we can talk after I'm done.”

Nodding your head, you turned around to start walking out of the court but you froze when you saw everyone looking at you. The realization then hit you. Everyone heard what you said. Your eyes scanned the court, seeing everyone looking at you in amusement as embarrassment flooded your body. With a gulp and an awkward wave, you said softly, “H-Hi…”

Have they all been there the whole time...

Many of them greeted you and/or waved back to you. Giving them a tight lip smile you walked to the doors you came from with your head down, trying to hide the embarrassing blush on your face. Atsumu watched you with amusement, find it funny how you came in so boldly and now leaving shyly.

Noticing Sakusa standing next to him from the corner of his eye, he heard him ask, “What did you do?”

“Ya know the girl from the bar a few-”

“I know that’s her,” Sakusa interrupts him, looking at him with confusion. “I’m just wondering why are you doing that.”

Atsumu turned and gave Sakusa a warm smile, putting his hand on his chest as said, “Because I am a nice guy.”

Sakusa gave him a disgusting look to which Atsumu ignored and smiled through. Turning back to look at you, he saw you walk through the doors. But a few seconds later you came back, fidgeting with your fingers as you asked shyly, “Um… Can I borrow someone’s phone? I kinda stole this dress and left all of my belonging at the boutique…”

Atsumu chuckled at you, seeing one of his teammates offered their phone to you. You accepted the phone and quickly made a call to someone. “She’s different,” Atsumu noted to Sakusa, not looking away from you. “The way she was when she came in and at the bar is different from how she is now.”

Sakusa didn’t say anything to him, both looking at you as you handed back the phone and looked back to everyone with a shy awkward smile and wave before dashing through the door. “‘M kinda excited for this,” Atsumu smiled at Sakusa.

“You’re terrible you know that?” Sakusa sighed, walking off, and headed to the locker room.

“How ‘m terrible!” Atsumu huffed following Sakusa, “‘m helping her!”

MASTERPOST-PREV-NEXT

Notes: sorry for posting this a bit late! But Rieko and Haru really are terrible huh 🥴

TAGLIST: @girlyluke​ @reina-de-tay​​ @bloody-bella​​ @gothkaoru​​ @freaksnque​​ @gothkaoru​​ @kayleighbeccaa​​ @itoshibaby​​ @missalienqueen​​ @90s-belladonna​​ @ntimacy​​ @persyhange​​ @loser-keiji​​ @lilith412426​​ @fandomatakeover18​​ @bbdaydreams​​ @sillyanimedream​​ @noya-kinnie​ @itzlally​ @fayeimara​@izmeaweeboo​ @zukoslosthishonor​ @camcam1617​ @karlitaburrito​@sakusaakiyoomii​ @strcwberrieswine​

[miekasa]

fluff alphabet: eren jaeger

↯ pairing: eren jaeger x (fem) reader

↯ genres and warnings: modern au, more fluff but that’s what you come here for at this point

↯ word count: 3.5k… again… i’m sorry…?

↯ notes: i don’t know why all of these are so long, but here you go again

Activities — What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Honestly, anything. I’ve said before that I think the love language he gives/expresses the most is quality time. That being said, almost anything you want to do, Eren is down to do with you.

In fact, you don’t even have to do anything. Eren just likes being in your presence. He could spend several days inside your apartment doing nothing but talking to you.

He does get a little antsy sometimes, so he would plan fun dates to get you both out of the house; but again, if you wanted to plan something instead of him, he wouldn’t be opposed.

Takes you to places like amusement parks and fairs, bars/new restaurants, swimming, basically anything he can find. His guilty pleasure is karaoke, and insists that the both of you get drunk and sing your little hearts out to pop songs until 1am. 

Beauty — What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

Eren thinks you’re pretty. All the time, and he makes it a point to tell you at least twice a day; often times, more.

If you have small/specific beauty marks or scars or anything on your skin, Eren is infatuated with them. Whenever you’re cuddling he’ll seek them out/trace them/kiss them.

Everytime he finds a new one he gasps like a child and is like “Babe! Did you know you have a little freckle here, look!”

If you have a passion for something, or are just general a pretty organized student, Eren would admire that about you. He somewhat looks up to you in those respects, too.

Comfort — How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack, etc.?

To him, the best method is to give you something to do—so, in a sense, provide a distraction for you.

He’ll try and teach you about his favorite video games and have you play with him. Even if you’re bad or you say you don’t want to, he’ll insist, and use teaching you as a method to get your mind off of whatever’s bothering you.

He’s not always the most perceptive, but he can tell when you’re sadder than usual, or obviously, when you’re upset.

He also gives good hugs. If all else fails and he feels like he can’t help you in any other tangible way, he’ll just hug you for as long as he can.

Dreams — How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Honestly, how ever you picture things, is how ever Eren is going to picture them, too. Mostly, he just wants to have fun with you, and wants to continue making you happy for as long as he can.

His biggest goal is that one day he wants to feel truly worthy of all the affection you give him; he wants to be good enough to be someone you choose to stay with.

Equal — Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Eren kind of falls for/into those “traditional” relationship roles; and while part of it is definitely an “I’m the man, so I want to do this” mindset, most of it is kind of “Well, why wouldn’t I?”

A lot of Eren’s affection and actions come from a place that seem simple and almost instinctual to him; and he doesn’t even realize how profound his thoughts and actions can be.

For example, he’ll help you carry things or drive you around or open doors for you. All things that seem chivalrous and might be expected of a “man,” but to Eren they’re just things to do, if that makes sense?

He doesn’t do it because he thinks you’re not capable, nor to be particularly chivalrous. In his head, he’s thinking “I care about them, so obviously, I’m going to help them out.”

Fight — Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Disagreements may happen because Eren is very vocal about his opinions on things. That doesn’t mean that he’s not open to change, but you might find out you don’t agree to many things because he’ll voice his opinion on them.

Whenever you do argue, he makes the argument a lot worse in his mind than what’s actually going on. He tends to jump the gun a lot and make assumptions that you wouldn’t have gotten to yourself.

He might simmer and wallow in it for a little bit afterwards (especially if he thinks he was right), but after some time he would either see the light himself, have it knocked into him by Armin, or just not want to keep fighting with you. Even if he was right, he doesn’t want to waste time being mad about something that could be easily talked about.

Gratitude — How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

Eren gets very easily flustered when he understands how much thought you put into things about/for him. Especially gifts—because he couldn’t fathom the idea of someone getting something tailored to him.

So, he’s very grateful. He almost thinks he’s undeserving of you and your affections to a certain point. Especially in moments when he’s hyperaware of just how much he means to you.

Honesty — Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

He might have personal secrets and insecurities he doesn’t voice often because they can be hard to reckon with himself; but nothing scandalous that he’s keeping hidden.

He’s kind of an oversharer to be honest lolol. He doesn’t keep the things he’s doing/has done to himself, and is more than willing to tell you about his day, or his plans, or just anything.

If it’s something serious, he might sit on it for a while before coming clean to you, but he would eventually. He would just need the time to figure it out for himself first.

Inspiration — Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Being in a  long-term relationship has taught Eren so much about how other people see him and his self-worth.

He either didn’t think much of himself as a whole person before; or thought his life and plans were kind of… dispensable to a certain extent. He didn’t necessarily feel like he needed to want anything bigger than himself, or for anyone but himself; but now he knows that that’s a path to fulfillment; and he knows he wants you.

It’s also taught him the importance of expressing himself in words. He was always good at it with actions, and he’s still not the best with his words, but he’s getting there. And it’s now a conscious effort on his part.

Jealousy — Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He can get jealous easily, but he doesn’t do anything about it a lot of the time. He knows that most of his feelings of jealous are surface level and petty, and he shouldn’t make an argument out of it.

When he gets jealous like that though—of someone maybe coming on to you at a party or a restaurant—the most he does is, like, obnoxiously clear his throat or roll his eyes, or just glare at the offending person. His glare is pretty effective honestly; most of the time it keeps people from approaching in the first place, and they say preventive measures are the best cure.

When you’re both home, he’s extra affectionate, and pouty about how he thinks everyone should just back off because he’s your boyfriend and the best boyfriend for you.

He actually gets a little upset if you don’t get a little bit jealous when people are obviously flirting with him. He would kind of like it if you had a light possessive instinct over him… it might turn him on a bit, too.

Kiss — Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

He is very enthusiastic, and never turns down an opportunity to kiss you. Over time his kisses become more refined; that is more tailored to kissing you and not just kissing someone in general. Practice makes perfect, after all.

He was probably nervous as fuck during the first kiss, but played it off (or at least tried to). Likely very sweet and cautious; a series of small kisses that build up to something a little fuller.

Love Confession — How would they confess to their s/o?

He has a moment of realization. Like, a pretty big one; he either got there himself, or one of his friends said something like “Eren, don’t you… like them?”

When he has that moment, he either sits on it for a very, very, very long time; or just blurts it out at you because he can’t keep it in any more.

If you’re friends before hand, he would consider the possibilities of a relationship with you, but he already knows he likes being around you; and he would probably love being in a relationship with you because of that.

Marriage — Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

It can go either way with him. He could love the idea of marriage—because it’s like hanging out with your very best friend every single day. You get to live together, everybody knows you’re together, and you just get to spend the rest of your lives together. That sounds like a pretty sweet deal to him.

Or he could think it’s kind of a meh idea. He knows he loves you and he knows you love him, he doesn’t see why he would need to host what’s basically an expensive party and ceremony to show all of your close friends that. They should already know. But if you want to get married and have a fancy wedding, who is Eren to deny you that.

He seems like the type to fuck up his proposal a bunch of times and then eventually snap like “Fuck this—I love you, and I want to love you for the rest of my life, please marry me.”

Nicknames — What do they call their s/o?

He calls you “babe” more often than anything else.

When he’s drunk or just wanted to distract/annoy you, he’ll call you something super dramatic and sweet like “my little sugarplum” just to get a reaction out of you.

He has a slight possessive streak, so he also likes to call you his girl.

On Cloud Nine — What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

He expresses his feelings mostly through spending time with you, but also by being your personal hype man. Eren is willing to support you and all of your ambitions, and might cheer a little too loudly for you on the sidelines, but at least you know he cares.

It’s quite obvious that Eren is in love, maybe not necessarily because he has heart eyes; but because he has this focus on improving himself. It would also be obvious in the way he talks about you to his friends and family. He might not even realize how often he slips your name into conversation, or adds tidbits about you when someone says something that reminds him of you.

He talks to his mom about you a lot, and she always has to hold back her little All-Knowing Mom Smirk because her baby is in love and she’s so happy for him. 

PDA — Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss when others are watching?

It’s a complicated dynamic with Eren. He wants everyone to know he has a hot girlfriend, but also doesn’t want people talking about his relationship lmaooo. He’s both reserved and not-shy about it at the same time.

He’s not all that big on PDA, and would never kiss you in front of his friends because he knows he can be easily embarrassed (not embarrassed to be with you, but shy to do those kinds of things in front of his friends and get teased for it). Besides, he wouldn’t want any of his friends making out with their s/o in front of him.

He’ll hold your hand a lot though—but, again, to him, it’s not a conscious act of romance; he’s holding your hand because he wants to and he doesn’t realize that he wants to because he’s craving affection. He’s a little slow on the uptake with his own feelings; but he’s a lot quicker with actions.

He does kind of like it when you kiss him on the cheek, though. And if it’s been a long night of you and his friends hanging out together, he doesn’t mind if you get a little touchy with him when you’re sleepy.

Quirk — Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

He’s really good at guessing when public transportation is going to come LMAOO. Like, yes, there’s a schedule for it, but he’s scary good at predicting how late/early it’s going to be which minimizes wait times. Eren doesn’t wait for the bus, the bus comes to Eren.

He’s also a pretty good photographer and has an eye for angles, so he’s good at taking pictures for you and of you when you’re out on dates. He’s also good at photographing food, and even though he thinks it’s pointless he’ll still do it for you.

Romance — How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

He’s a balance of cliché and creative—it depends on the occasion.

For things like Valentine’s Day or anniversaries, he’ll probably go the classic, cliché route of getting you flowers and stuffed animals if you’re into that kind of thing.

But when it comes to birthdays, he can get very creative and thinks about your gift for a long time. Again, in his head it’s not romance, it’s just him doing what he thinks is right, but it turns out to be pretty damn romantic.

Support — Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Of course he believes in you! You helped him believe in himself, so obviously he’s going to want to help you do the same thing and support you while he’s at it.

This is one area where Eren never gets jealous—he always wants you to achieve your goals, and never compares your progress to him. He just wants you to be happy and will do what he can to help.

He gets a little frustrated if he can’t help you at all, but understands that maybe just moral and emotional support might be enough in those situations.

Thrill — Do they need to try out new things to spice up your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

He’s a little (very) unhinged, so he’s always down to try something new. He’s the kind of person who will take you bungee jumping on a date because it’s “fun” and “exciting.” Eren knows no boundaries, so very few things and experiences are off-limits to him.

He would like some kind a routine/established roles, but he’s always down to experiment. If he ends up not liking it, then so be it, but at least he can say he tried.

Understanding — How good to they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

He knows you better than he thinks he does. He thinks about you a lot, especially when it comes to holidays/birthdays/gift giving and can get frustrated when he doesn’t find an answer right away, but he always pulls through in the end.

He kind of expects to know everything about you very quickly, which leads to obvious frustration. But over time, he learns almost everything he wants to know and then some; even if he isn’t the best at showing that he’s retained that information on a daily basis.

He needs someone to be empathetic towards him more than the other way around, but Eren would try hard to put himself in your shoes if you needed him to.

Value — How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

It’s very important to him, dare he say one of his top priorities.

Eren cares about people deeply, and you couldn’t be in a long-term relationship with him without him making you his business. Your relationship is special to him, and he wants to do his best to keep it going.

It might even come at the cost of some of his other obligations/relationships at first because he’s new to balancing life personal life and relationship; but over time he learns to balance things out. You’re still pretty damn high on his priority list, though.

Wild Card — A random fluff head canon.

Takes pictures and videos of you while you’re sleeping or falling asleep, and stitches them all together on your birthday and posts it to his story. Every single year without fail.

Got you both customized matching sneakers and gets stupidly giddy when you both wear them at the same time. He takes a billion pictures when you have them on.

Got you a nameplate anklet with his gamertag on it. Not so fluffy, but he really likes the way it looks on his shoulder 😌

XOXO — Are they ver affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Absolutely, he’s like an overgrown puppy on two legs, Eren loves to cuddle. He’s all over you, and very weak for any kind of affection when the two of you are alone.

He gets upset if you don’t sit directly next to (or on top of him) when you sit on the couch, and pouts about it before flopping on top of you instead.

His first move when he goes to your place or you come over is to wrap you in a hug, and he doesn’t let go for at least a full minute. And even then, he’ll probably waddle behind you in a back hug for a significant amount of time, or until you’re ready to lay down.

King of giving forehead kisses and bumping his nose against yours before his kisses your lips. He’s a sucker for all of it, no matter how much he plays it off when he’s around his friends.

Yearning — How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Simple: he will call you as many times as possible so as to make it feel like you never even left.

FaceTime is the most used app in Eren’s phone. If you’re away from him for a period of time, he’ll find any excuse to call you and see you, and he gets extra bold when flirting with you.

He also likes to steal your clothes/jewelry. He might put on one of your necklaces or chains or steal one of your bigger/more oversizes hoodies if you have them. Puts his big ass feet in your house slippers.

He sends you pictures of him in all your stuff too, claiming that if you want them back, then you should come see him to get them.

Zeal — Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind?

He definitely is. In a modern au, again, I’m not sure what kind of great lengths they are to go to, but Eren will fight for you.

Even before you’re together, he’ll show you how dedicated he is to you and wanting to be with you.

Then, I suppose, his loyalty is his greatest display of zeal. Eren lets you know how dedicated he is to you and making your relationship work; and tries to prove it you (and himself a little bit) every day.

[imasimpforshanks]

Heyyyyyy hiiiiii hope your having an awesome day drinking that water getting hydrated 😗. I was wondering if you could do a Law Angst alphabet please. But only if you feel up to it and have time. If you don’t feel free to ignore or do it later here now have a cookie 🍪 because your awesome 😊

Angst Alphabet - Trafalgar Law

a/n: HI HI!!! thank you for your kind words!! I hope you are looking after yourself <333 here is the law angst! Please enjoy 🥰

A-Accident (would they blame themselves if you died in an accident?)

He would only blame himself if any of his actions led to the accident that caused your death (we’ve seen him blame himself for that very reason about Rosinantes death). If his actions weren’t directly correlated to your death in any way then he would not blame himself, though he would kick himself for not being able to help you in time. Other than that, Law is painfully aware of the harsh reality that is life.

B-Break up (How would they break up with you?)

Law would break up with you in a seemingly emotionless way. He’d mask his true feelings, while telling you a whole bunch of excuses why the two of you could no longer be together. He doesn’t believe any of them, but he’s got to do what he’s got to do.

C-Crying (how would they make you cry?)

I feel like I’ve used this one in a few other character alphabets but it really applies to Law too. He would cause you to stress and panic so much over his health and wellbeing. He’s a literal doctor. He should know to take better care of himself, but he just doesn’t seem to care about himself the same way you do. So it isn’t until you’re crying in front of him, spilling your heart out about how concerned you are for his safety that he realizes his health is important to more than just himself.

D-Death (how would they react to your death?)

My god, if Law was to lose another person that he loved, he literally would never want to let himself get close to anyone ever again. Your death would be it for Law. He’d basically be on the verge of giving up himself. What other reason does he have to go on.

E-Emotion (what is one emotion they would try to hide the most and how would they do it?)

He tries to hide every emotion. Law doesn’t like to be too open, out of fear of people using it against him or it simply being too much of a sign of weakness. So, very rarely does he let his emotions show. He also tries to divert attention away from himself in hopes that people won’t focus on him or his emotions for too long.

F-Fight (do you two ever fight? How big are the fights? What do you fight about? Etc.)

This was covered in his fluff alphabet! But here it is again:

Your fights tend to be pretty short lived resulting in forgiveness and apologies from both sides relatively quickly. He really doesn’t like to stay mad at you for too long – he’d much rather have you two on the same page.

Most fights are caused by stress and concerns of health and safety, so Law does a lot of eye rolling and using his title as a ‘doctor’ as justification that he knows what he’s doing so you just need to chill – but like I said these fights are very short lived.

G-Guilt (what is the biggest thing they feel guilty about?)

Law will never forgive himself for Rosinantes death. He will forever feel responsible for his death – it was all his fault. If only he hadn’t given that note to Vergo, then Rosinante would still be alive. He died because of Law’s incompetence (at least that’s what he tells himself).

H-Heartbreak (what would cause them pain in the relationship? How would they deal during a break-up?)

During a break-up Law would act pretty normal. He wouldn’t behave any differently until he’s left alone. Only then would he let himself go and truly feel that heartbreak.

I-Injured (how would they react if you are badly injured?)

Thanks to the doctor in him, Law is able to remain calm. He can keep his composure until he administers whatever treatment necessary. That’s not to say he isn’t worried though. He’s just capable of focusing on the injury right in front of him.

Only once he is certain that you are stable does he (or potentially his crew) go and hunt down the cause of your beating.

J-Jealousy (what do they do if they are jealous?)

When Law does get jealous (which is rarely), he gets quiet. His fists clench a little more, and his frown deepens. He also speaks less than usual (which is already pretty hard to beat). He only gives you short snippy replies until he eventually gets over it.

K-Kill (would they kill for revenge?)

Law would kill for revenge, yes. He literally wanted to kill Doflamingo as revenge for Rosinante. However, it was in Law’s plan that Kaido would be the one to kill Doflamingo (after they fought) – so I believe that is how he’d kill for revenge as well. He would devise a fool proof plan (okay maybe not fool proof, bc if the straw hats are involved who knows what could go wrong).

In short, yes. Law would kill for revenge.

L-Loss (what is their greatest loss?)

This poor man has suffered so much loss in his life that it’s actually really difficult to choose which would be his greatest loss. He lost his entire family as a young boy while also having a shortened lifespan himself. Losing his family, and the realization that he only had a few more years to live, really made him lose his will to live a good remainder of his life. Young Law literally became a pirate.

However, he did meet Rosinante (Corazon) and he gave him another reason to live. Furthermore, Rosinante actively sought out a cure for Law so that he could continue to live a long life. Basically, Rosinante became a father figure/older brother to Law. So, losing him – another ¬person he loved so dearly – would have been beyond devastating.

M-Mistake (what is the worst mistake they ever made with you?)

There was one day where he spent the entire day ignoring you. It was completely unintentional. His mind was swarming with plans and all this other information that has just come in. He got so immersed in it that he didn’t talk to you or tell you what was going on for a whole day.

N-Nightmares (how often do they have them? What are they about? How do they deal with it?)

Nightmares are one of the many reasons Law hardly ever sleeps. He’s haunted by his family’s and Rosinantes deaths. His nightmares get particularly bad around the same time each year (that is, around the time of year that they died). He wakes up trembling and on the verge of tears (but he never lets them fall). Instead of even trying to go back to sleep, he’ll make himself a nice hot cup of coffee and immerse himself in a book or work of some kind – anything to avoid going back to sleep and risking a re-run of that horrible nightmare.

O-Outrage (how and why would they get mad at you?)

Sometimes his exhaustion catches up to him and other times its all the stress building up that finally he snaps and all the emotions are too overwhelming that he just directs it to the nearest outlet, which just so happens to be you.

P-Past (what has happened in your relationship that changed the way you saw each other?)

You walked in on him absolutely breaking down over Rosinante. One evening Law retreated to his room while you and the rest of the crew were eating and drinking. He didn’t think you had noticed him leave, but soon you were following after him. You opened the door and found him breaking down in the middle of the room. You completely forgot that it was the anniversary of Rosinantes death. It was the first time you had seen him this distraught and it broke your heart.

It really cemented into your brain that no matter how tough he may look, he still suffers (probably more so than anyone). But, you were also grateful that you were able to see him like that, as it allowed him to start relying on you a little more.

Q-Quality (what is their most dangerous/toxic quality?)

His inability to openly express his emotions. Sure, now he will share with you how he is feeling, but that is with you and ONLY you. He still insists on keeping everything else bottle away from the rest of the world which is a really unhealthy way to deal with things. It’s not that you dislike being there for him, in fact, you appreciate how trusting he is with you. It’s just, what if there comes a time where you aren’t around and he’s in desperate need of someone to confide in?

R-Rejection (how would they react to you rejecting their confession (or the other way around)).

Law would wait until he was 100% certain you returned his feelings to confess to you. So, if you were to reject his confession he would be really confused for a while. He’d let it go because well, everyone has their own reasons – its not his place to tell you how you feel. All he can do is tell you how he feels and then the rest is up to you.

S-Scars (battle or self-inflicted)

He has no self-inflicted scars, and to my knowledge he has no battle scars either. But, his arm did get cut off and then reattached during the Dressrosa arc, so it actually is likely that there is a remaining scar from that (although I’m not certain).

T-Trust (have they ever broken your trust?)

Nope not at all. In fact, the only instance in which he would possibly break your trust, or lie to you, about is when he went to Punk Hazard and sent his crew to Zou. Some would assume that he wouldn’t tell you his plan out of fear of your safety, but that’s not true. He had to tell you. You taught him to be open and honest, and to trust. So that’s exactly what he did.

U-Urge (how badly do they want to see you after you guys separated?)

Law has gotten so comfortable around you that whenever you aren’t there, he gets unbearably anxious. Your presence is soothing, even if he can’t see you, even if he can only hear your voice echoing throughout the Polar Tang, it’s enough to put his mind at ease. So, if you are separated for a while… oh boy does he want to see you badly.

V-Vicious (what do they do when they lash out on you?)

He tends to yell at you. He tells you to “piss off” and that “you’re only being a nuisance right now”, despite you only wanting to help him.

W-Weak (what makes them feel weak how do they try to avoid it?)

Not being able to control things makes Law feel really weak. Weak may not be the right word, but it definitely makes him feel unprepared. He doesn’t like when things are out of his control and he can’t account for things. Which is usually why he always does extensive research and preparation before constructing a well thought out plan.

X-X-ray (what do they hate and show it most obviously?)

Well, I mean other than his obvious hatred of bread, Law also really hates when he works extremely hard on formulating a plan only for it to be completely thrown out of the window by a reckless straw hat wearing captain and his entire crew. (and somehow everything still ends up working out!!! That is the part that frustrates Law the most HAHAH).

Y-Yearn (what is one thing that they want but can’t have?)

One of the only things he’s ever really wanted was for Doflamingo to be taken down. He’s been partially successful in that sense, seeing as Doflamingo is in prison now. However, he wants more than that. He wants Doflamingo to suffer the same way he has.

Z-Zero (what do they do/say in your dying moments?)

It may seem a little out of character but… I believe Law would be borderline desperate/inconsolable. There would be a lot of clinging on to you, begging you not to leave him like everyone else he’s ever loved. He can’t handle another person leaving him, it’s too much. It’s far too much.

He wouldn’t cry (just yet), but his voice would tremble, and his hands would be shaking. His mind would be racing with all sorts of theories and possible ways he could save you. How could he possibly prevent the inevitable?

[nevertheless-moving]

Suicidal Misunderstanding XXIV

Part I - - - - - - - - - - Part XXI - - - - Part XXII - - - - Part XXIII

Star Wars Time Travel AU #27

Ahsoka watched normal space slip away with a numb sort of disbelief.

Somehow she couldn’t quite accept that her Masters would actually—she felt small and selfish to even think that this was them abandoning her, considering Obi-Wan’s life might—but still—she was rapidly exiting the inner-rim and Obi-Wan and Skyguy were...somewhere else. Even after breaking orbit, she had childishly half-expected one of them to jump out with a wild explanation of how the whole thing was a huge misunderstanding, or a crazy scheme—or—some kind of explanation. And now she was back in hyperspace, on her way back to the front, alone. Master Skywalker’s presences felt closed off, and far-away—she hadn’t even sensed Master Kenobi on Coruscant.

She hadn’t even gotten to see him...

She was startled out of her slowly sharpening melancholy by the sudden clasp of a hand on her shoulder.

“You alright there, Commander?” Rex asked softly. Ahsoka stiffened her spine. Right, Obi-Wan and Anakin hadn’t just disappeared on her—she wasn’t actually alone, and she had a duty to the men who were here.

“Just thinking about crushing some Clankers,” she replied over-brightly. “How’s the Resolute holding up?”

“Same hiccup with gravity in the kitchens during the jump—it seems they didn’t have time to actually fix the issue when we were in dock, but we were prepared for it so it wasn’t too messy,” Rex replied, hands falling into a loose grip behind his back as slipped into his ‘Captain Reporting’ voice. “A few odd issues with our communications systems, but I’ve got men on it; I’m told it’s nothing to worry about, and should be back to normal by tomorrow. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

Ahsoka nodded. “And the troops?” she asked lightly.

Rex was silent for a moment. “Perhaps we should speak somewhere more private,” he responded finally. 

“Of course.”

She followed him from the observation port to an unused briefing space a few decks down, cheerfully greeting each vod they passed, all of whom radiated relief at the sight of the familiar Jedi commander. Another pang of guilt passed through her. She should have already been greeting the men, not wallowing in self-pity. They knew even less than she did about their missing Generals. She had to be more of Jedi than usual, not less. What would Skyguy think of her moping? What would Master Kenobi—

She smiled at another passing group, one of whom she recognized as a Snow Wolf. 

“Commander Tano!” he cried. “We had heard rumors—” Another soldier shut him up with an elbow to the gut. 

Ahsoka smiled harder. “At ease, Mit,” she said, relieving him from his hasty salute. “I know there’s rumors flying around about, ah, General Skywalker’s and General Kenobi’s special assignment, but I’m sorry to say that you guys aren’t getting rid of me that easily.”

Mit and the others chuckled briefly at the admittedly weak joke.

“Rex and I have to be off now but It’s a long flight to the Expansion Zone; I’m sure I’ll see your faces again,” she said with a snappy two-fingered salute, striding off before they could work up the courage to ask any follow-up questions. 

“As you were,” Rex ordered, and the Captain and Commander continued on their way.

Finally they stepped into the quiet room, door snapping shut. Ahsoka composed herself for a moment, plastering on a confident smile before turning to face Rex.

“What did you want to talk about, Captain?” she asked, falling backwards into a seat and looking up at the Captain with careful casualness.

Rex pulled off his helmet. His expression cracked Ahsoka in half.

“You don’t have to do that with me, Commander Tano. I know General Kenobi’s not on a mission,” he said quietly, voice as sad as his eyes. “Cody and I—and I think Waxer, we’re the only vode who’ve been read in on...what Kenobi tried to do.”

She looked away from that pitying, pitiful gaze, eyes suddenly burning. 

“The last direct news I got was more than two days ago,” she finally said, giving up on the act and slumping forward as Rex set his helmet gently on the table. “Skyguy called me to ask a bunch of weird question and told me...you know. I felt Master Kenobi’s presence earlier this—kriff this was just this morning...” she trailed off.

“Language,” he corrected automatically. She chuckled wetly and absently pulled out a chair for him with a wave of her hand. He settled into it stiffly.

“I found out the night of,” Rex admitted. “They called Cody to ask about—about possible toxins. I think they were just searching for any kind of explanation. They let me visit him yesterday—”

Ahsoka hunched further and Rex paused for a moment before continuing awkwardly.

“It just looked like he was sleeping—healers said he was physically doing fine, so. I’m not a medic, but he’s definitely really well cared for.” Rex cleared his throat. “In terms of General Skwalker, I, uh, got a message from him the night before it happened about something completely unrelated, then nothing for three days, then a message before dawn this morning saying he had to ‘step down due to personal failures’ and he ‘trusted me to lead the 501st in his stead.’ Wrote that he needed to ‘earn his current rank.’” 

Ahsoka’s head snapped up, intense focus charging the room. Rex let out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his hair.

“I commed him right back, and he said that it was ‘partially about Obi-Wan, but more about past wrongdoing’. He apologized for abandoning me and the rest of the 501st, but told me he had to work on ‘his judgement’ before he could trust himself to act as General. The official memo about their temporarily absence from the command structure, for ‘undisclosed reasons’ came out about 5 minutes after we talked. Along with the promotion of Krell and General Tiin.”

“He messaged you this morning? He stepped down voluntarily?” she asked, feeling betrayed all-over again. “What the kriff?”

“Did he—he told me he was planning on comming you once you were closer to Coruscant...” he asked, looking at her hesitantly.

She let out a frustrated snarl, chair falling to the ground with a clatter as she began pacing the room. “Well he didn’t!” she ranted, attempting to stalk off her frustration. “Something more must have happened, and the council doesn’t want us to know what! What you saw on the loading dock was all the information anyone gave me! For all I know they’re both dead!”

Rex inhaled sharply and the padawan attempted to backtrack her words. “No, I don’t mean that, I can sense Skyguy he’s just—distant.”

“But you can’t sense General Kenobi,” he said grimly. 

“I don’t have a direct training bond with him,” she replied severely. “And he’s good at shielding, and he’s usually—it’s not like he’s the loudest Jedi, you know?”

“You said you felt his presence this morning?” he pressed. “General Tiin and Krell did too, I think. Tiin seemed relieved at first but then—”

“He disappeared,” Ahsoka said quietly. “It’s like he reached out and then—it wasn’t even like letting go he just stopped.”

“Krell said he died,” the Captain reported matter-of-factly.

Ahsoka flinched. “There are—there’s other explanations. He might have just pulled up his shields really abruptly. It—I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I’ve felt Jedi die before and it doesn’t usually feel like that.”

Rex shifted awkwardly. The tortugan padawan paced back and forth, trying to release her helpless uncertainty into the force.

“Do you think it’s possible they might be on a special assignment?” he asked wearily. “I mean, it makes more sense in some ways that General Kenobi was just setting up some really intense cover for himself, and—and—General Skywalker got—accidentally wrapped up in it.”

Commander Tano rubbed her temples. “I wanted to think that too...I mean, it would be a pretty messed up choice of cover story, but...I really don’t think so” she said finally. “Skyguy was trying to put on a brave face when he talked to me but he was pretty—I’ve never seen him so destroyed—I mean getting shot down on the battlefield is one thing, but losing someone because—because you didn’t tell them how much you appreciated them, or because you added to their alright insane workload just through your presence—”

Suddenly Rex was in-front of her, chair scraped back and hands on her shoulders. “I’ve been through this was Cody, and I’ll go through it with you again as many times as it takes—you cannot blame yourself for this.”

She looked away. His hands tightened. “I’m serious,” he said emphatically. “I don’t know what’s going on, but you and Cody are the best of the best—if there was any warning sign to see, any enemy to fight, you would have identified it, fought back, won. I’m sorry, but the whole high council was surprised too, and they see him often enough! It’s—the whole situation’s kriffed up but it’s not your fault.”

“I know,” Ahsoka said quietly. “I’m sorry Skyguy stepped down on you—”

“That’s not your fault either—”

“Yeah, I know, you’re repeating yourself Captain—”

“Well, it’s hard to tell if you’re listening sometimes—”

Ahsoka gasped theatrically. “Is that anti-montral sentiment? I think it might be, after special Kamino sensitivity training too—”

“More like anti-anti-helmet sentiment. Seriously you’d think—”

“I’m a Jedi and I practice ataru. Armor would just—”

“—’slow you down’ I know, I know.”

Ahsoka giggled and the two of them found themselves wandering over to the small viewport, watching stars distort and stretch as they sped along the hyperlane.

“Have you—are you familiar with Krell?” Rex eventually asked.

“Not really,” Ahsoka admitted, wrinkling her brow. “I know he’s a pretty talented duelist—he’s got his own four armed Jar’kai style that’s apparently almost impossible to do anything against, but I’ve never actually gotten to see it in action—I don’t remember him hanging around the temple much growing up, and I’m not really certain where he’s been stationed during the war. I guess Master Windu assigned me to 501st duties so specifically so I wouldn’t bother him too much for sparring practice while he’s figuring out his duties? What’s your read on him?”

Rex radiated discomfort and Ahsoka eyed him cautiously. 

“I haven’t—seen him on the battlefield. I’m sure he’s very capable. He’s not the most...respectful Jedi I’ve met.”

Ahskoa smirked. “Well, that shouldn’t be too much of a problem, right? If he gets the job done? I mean once you got a jetpack you made it your personal mission to throw Anakin of a cliff as often as possible! And Kix stole all of Anakin’s pants after he kept escaping bacta and messing up Medical.”

“I don’t mean respectful like that, Commander,” Rex said quietly. 

“What do you mean, then?” she asked, feeling a prickle of unease. 

“It’s nothing to worry about right now, but I’d—appreciate if we could talk about your...impression after our limpet meeting with the Negotiator tomorrow morning.”

“Of course, Captain. We’re—we’re in this together, right?” Ashoka replied hesitantly. For the first time that conversation, she reached out to him, softly placing a hand on his arm and desperately trying to press her tangled feelings of friendship, loyalty, and gratitude through the force. 

Rex smiled, seeming to get the message. “Yeah Commander,” he responded hoarsely. “We’re in it this together.”

Part XXV