#and i’ve donated A TON of old clothes that i haven’t even thought about in years

[alelelesimz]

😀!!!!

[imagine-docx]

dresses.

Summary: Bucky is a cute single dad who needs to get a dress for his daughter because his ex wife’s wedding is in a few weeks. Insert you, the cute kids shop owner who has a ton of knowledge in this department. [ChubbyBucky!SingleDad!AU]

Warnings: swearing, and some insecurity mentions and some body shaming, suggestive content right at the end.

A/N: the amount of love i got on sneaky is astronomical! and i love and appreciate each and everyone of you who read it and enjoyed it! also, please remember to sign all the petitons, and donate if you can and attend protests if you can! black lives matter. - amanda

➽───────────────❥

Nope, nope, no, absolutely not, fuck this. Was the exact thought process Bucky went through his mind. The reminder just popped up that in two weeks was his ex wife’s marriage ceremony and reception.

Bucky and Natasha were once married, and had little Layla from the marriage. Layla was caught in the crossfire of a nasty divorce when Bucky and Nat ended things when she was only 3. When Bucky got the invitation for the wedding, he felt the same exact heartbreak when he realized Nat was cheating on him, and felt someone throw his heart into a fire when he realized the man she was currently engaged to was the exact man she cheated with.

He got up and realized that he should check if Layla had any clothes to wear to the wedding. He looked through her closet and realized Layla outgrew almost all of these or weren’t there for the wow factor.

He sighed, closing her closet. He ran his hands through his hair, he turned around and was greeted by the mirror that was there. 

The divorce was hard on Bucky and it was obvious. He put on a few extra pounds around the waist, his shoulders rounded out, and his thighs filled out his pants from all the late shifts at the security firm. Another sighed escaped his lips, he was seeing his ex in laws again and he didn’t look the greatest. 

He walked down the stairs and grabbed his keys, and was going to pick up Layla from Wanda’s house and take Layla dress shopping.

➽───────────────❥

“Wow you look like shit,” Wanda greeted him.

“Glad to know someone like you is caring for my kid,” Bucky sarcastically responded, allowing himself into her house. 

“You already knew what you were signing up for when you knew I was dating Sam,” Wanda said, guiding him to the kitchen.

Bucky met Wanda through Sam. Sam met Wanda through the security firm, when Wanda was working for her old company and they changed the codes without her knowing, she flipped out and somehow Sam and Wanda clicked, and here they were. 

“Where’s my kid?” He said, looking around for the little bundle of joy.

“Upstairs with Sam,” she responded. He eyed Wanda, “Listen, they’re bonding because I need to talk to you.”

“Shoot,” he said, grabbing a banana from the fruit basket.

“Nat’s getting married next week.”

“I know that.”

“You should get a date,” Wanda said bluntly.

“I would, if I could.” He stated, “Oh, I need a dress for the wedding.”

“Even better!” Wanda exclaimed, “That cute shop owner seems like she can help you out.”

“Wanda,” Bucky warned. Wanda was referring to you. You owned this little shop called Sew Lovely and were always helping him out with clothes for Layla. 

He learned about it through Wanda as she was friends with you, and god was he smittened by you. You always helped out with what she wore, and the majority of her closet came from your little shop. 

Everytime he came to see you, he felt like he was falling deeper and deeper, and it didn’t help that Layla would spend any given moment with you, and you were amazing to his kid.

“I’m trying to help,” she said defensively.

“Daddy!” He heard a little voice exclaim from around the corner. 

“Hi pumpkin, did you have fun with uncle Sam and aunty Wanda?”

“Uh-huh, we coloured, watched movies, so much fun.” Layla said.

“Tell me more while we’re in the car,” he said, getting up from his seat and walking to the door. Before leaving he leaned back to Wanda, “I’m going for the dress,” Wanda smirked, “Not for the girl, for the dress.”

Wanda kept that smirk on her face, “Of course Buckaroo.”

➽───────────────❥

He decided to take Layla out for smoothies before shooting you a text asking you if you were free to help find him a dress. He poked the straw into Layla’s drink before he felt the buzz from his phone in his pocket. He pulled it out and read the text message while poking his own straw into his drink. He let out a small smile “Come love,” he said grabbing her hand before making their way back to the car. 

Upon buckling her in, he brushed some hair out of her face, “We have to go shopping baby,” he cooed.

“I love shopping!” she exclaimed. 

“Glad to hear baby,” he said, before navigating to the shop. 

➽───────────────❥

He held Layla’s hand, while navigating to your shop. “Is aunty here?!” she asked, excitedly. 

“Of course,” he chuckled as Layla dragged him into the store.

He heard someone call out Layla’s name and it could have been confused with an angel. “I knew that was my favourite sugar puff!” you exclaimed, crouching to hug her. 

“Aunty! I’ve missed you!” Layla exclaimed, throwing her arms around you. 

“And would you look at that, it's my favourite client,” you said. 

Your hair was tossed into a messy ponytail, you were wearing an oversized white knit sweater, a pair of black jeans and some white sneakers. Even though the outfit was simple, you look like god himself spent ages creating you. “You know I would have no idea what to do with fashion,” he joked. 

“Of course I do,” you joked back. “So how can I help the two of you today?”

“I need a dress for a wedding,” he said, biting back the fact it was his ex wife’s wedding. “Say no more,” you said, before crouching back down to Layla, “Alright love, we need to get you a dress. What are you thinking?” 

“I want poofy! Colours! Flowers!” She exclaimed. 

“Oh she knows off the bat, let’s go sugar puff,” you said, getting up and grabbing her hand and taking her around the shop. 

➽───────────────❥

And that’s how Bucky spent the remainder of his day looking at dresses with you and Layla. He sat while the two of you looked around and tried things on. He admired how well you two bonded, as if you were mother and daughter, “I like this one the most sugar puff. What do you think?” 

“I love it!” She exclaimed, she threw her arms around you for the second time today, “Thank you Aunty!” 

Bucky looked over and saw that Layla was sporting a poofy white dress with red flowers and green leaves around it. “I love this one,” he said in awe at his daughter. 

“No problem baby, I guess we have to get you matching jewelry,” you said, engulfing her into another hug.  

Bucky let out a groan, “You guys have been shopping for so long.”

“Don’t rush a girl,” you joked. 

Another forty five minutes and almost two hundred dollars later. They were done. “Remind me to never go shopping,” he joked. 

“When you have a girl, you can never say no,” you smiled at him, making his heart melt. 

“Thank you so much,” he said, feeling insecure because he knew someone like you would never like him. 

“Not a problem sugar,” You said, and his heart skipped a beat. “See you next week?”

“You can count on it,” he said, giving you a small smile.

“Bye Aunty,” she said, hugging at your legs.

“Bye sugar puff, bye Buck,” you said, as they walked out the shop.

He should probably stop spending so much money at your shop, but seeing you made it all worth it.

➽───────────────❥

At this point, there was a week until Nat’s wedding and he was internally freaking out, he tried on his suit the previous night and it didn’t fit. The pants could barely make it past his midthigh, the dress shirt needed about three more inches before it could fit around his frame, and the jacket couldn’t even fit his arms.

Layla was asleep in her room, and he sat on the bed and tears started brewing in his eyes. Makes sense why Nat left, and why she wouldn’t like me, he thought referring to you.

He shut his eyes to prevent tears from slipping down his face. He steadied his breathing before shooting Wanda a text asking if she could watch Layla for a little longer than he anticipated. He tossed his phone on his bed, before dumping the suit in the trash can and going to shower.

➽───────────────❥

Bucky left work early, having asked Steve to cover for him while he went suit shopping. Once leaving work he somehow found himself on your street. He decided to see what you were up to before going suit shopping. 

He walked up to the shop and saw you were sitting on the bar stool, innocently chewing at the tip of your pen while looking at the notebook that sits in front of you. You were wearing a black romper with sunflowers all over them, an oversized black cardigan that was slipping off of your body, you had your hair tossed into a messy bun, glasses sat on your nose, and a pair of black sandal heels were on your feet. 

He found himself slowly walking up to the shop, opening the door, the bell went off from above him. You looked up and let out a huge smile, which made his heart melt and he returned a goofy grin. 

“Got worried for you Buck, haven’t seen you in a while,” you joked.

“Dad duties call, doll,” he said walking up to the counter, “You alone?”

“Jessica and Natalie are in the back,” you said pointing your pen off to the back, “It’s fairly early, aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

“Don’t want me here doll?” He said, raising an eyebrow at you.

“No, I just need to make sure you have the funds to keep my store running,” you joked.

“Gotta go suit shopping, was on my way, and thought I should stop in and let you know I’m fine,” he joked.

“You going by yourself?” You asked.

“I have no one else doll, Steve and Sam are at work,” he said running his hand through his hair.

“I can come,” you said, quickly adding, “If you want.”

“I don’t want to drag you away from work,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Hush hush, I’ll come.” You closed the notebook, got off the stool, “Let me tell them I’m leaving and grab my bag?” 

“I’ll wait here,” he said smiling at you.

“Don’t move,” you warned, before walking to the back.

He looked around at the new displays, he thought about how much time you probably put into it, “You moved, about an inch. Can’t trust you anymore, Barnes,” he heard you say from behind you.

“My apologies doll, how could I possibly make it up to you?” He asked.

You linked your arm around his, “I’ll come up with something,” you said, as the two of you exited the shop.

➽───────────────❥

The two of you found yourselves at this small suit shop at the edge of Brooklyn. Walking in, the two of you heard someone yell, “James.” And an elderly Italian man came and greeted him with a hug.

“Hi Bruno,” he said, returning the hug.

He pulled away and noticed you, “Who’s this beautiful dame?”

He introduced the two of you, before Bruno brought the two of you deeper into the store, “He’s provided suits since I was young.”

You nodded, “It’s cute.”

“How about have the pretty dame sit and I do the measurements,” Bruno said. You sat on the stool provided and sipped on the smoothie that you bought for the two of you. Bucky felt embarrassed as Bruno took his measurements in front of you, but you flashed him a reassuring smile, and he felt some of the insecurities fade away.

➽───────────────❥

An hour later and Bucky found himself getting frustrated. Nothing looked good on him. He tried navy blue suits, beige suits, grey suits, plaid suits, and to no avail he could find anything. Bruno went to look at other options, while Bucky looked in the mirror. It was obvious he was picking at his own body.

You got up and walked over to him, rubbing his back, “You look gorgeous Buck, don’t deflate yourself.”

“It’s just that,” he started, “It’s my ex wife's wedding, and I don’t look good. I want to impress the family, but I look like-”

You cut him off, “You look amazing, and she’s an idiot for letting you go. If her family doesn’t like it, that sucks, cause you’re no longer their family.”

“Thank you,” he said, pulling you into a hug.

“I got your back Buck,” you said, hugging him back, “But you should have told me we were dressed to kill, I would be on it.”

“Now that you’re in on it, what’s running through that mind of yours?” He said, pulling away.

“Black,” you said, “Can’t go wrong with that.”

He smiled before yelling out, “Bruno? You got a black suit?”

➽───────────────❥

He hated how right you were, but also simultaneously loved that you knew him that well. He smiled at you, “Doll you know me well.”

“Gotta look out for my two favourite Barnes, don’t I?” you asked.

“James, you look amazing, you just need a tie,” Bruno said, before going off to find a tie.

You got up and smoothed out the suit near his shoulders, “I owe you one,” he said, looking down at you.

“You owe me a lot sugar,” you said.

Bruno came back with a red tie, “I think this would look good on you James.” You moved away from him, and let Bruno tie the tie to complete the suit. 

“The colour brings out your eyes,” you commented. 

The tie was rich, vibrant, red, and contrasted nicely against the black suit and his blue eyes. “You look amazing James.”

“Thanks Brun, I’ll take it,” Bucky said, looking at himself in the mirror, smiling at how good he looked.

Bruno walked to the front and rung up the order, “You really know what’s good for me doll.”

“What can I say? I know my Barnes,” you joked.

“How about I go change, then I’ll treat you to dinner?” He asked.

“He’s living up to his word,” you joked.

“I always do doll,” he said, before walking back to the dressing room.

➽───────────────❥

Bucky was a man of his word and took you to the small dinner about three streets away, but still was on the outskirts of town. You finished up dinner and were driving back, “You know your way to a girls heart.”

“I always do,” he joked.

You two sat in comfortable silence the rest of the way back. Pulling up to your house, he walked you to your step. “Thank you for coming with me.”

“Anytime Buck,” you responded.

He scratched the back of his neck, “Are you free this Saturday?” He realized what it sounded like, “I mean, you can be my plus one with Layla,” he rushed out.

“Of course I would come Buck,” you unlocked the door, “Text me the details?”

“Of course. Good night doll,” he said.

You kissed him on the cheek, “Night Buck,” you said before scurrying inside, missing the blush that rose to his cheeks.

➽───────────────❥

Bucky didn’t see you at all that week. He was busy getting his haircut, buying other last minute things he needed before the wedding. He kept in contact with you through texts, telling you he’d pick you up at four.

It was three fifty and he was in his car, with Layla in the backseat singing loudly to the pop that played on the radio. He was nervous, he didn’t know what to expect. He unbuckled Layla, before making his way up the steps. He rang the doorbell and waited for you to answer.

Once you opened the door, he felt the wind get knocked out of his lungs. Before him you wore a red satin dress, with a low cut exposing your cleavage, the black heels accentuated the length of your legs, you had a necklace with your initial as the pendant, a small gold bracelet and some gold earrings. 

“Aunty! You look so good!” Layla said, breaking Bucky’s train of thought.

“Thank you sugar puff, you look beautiful,” you said stroking her hair. You pulled the door in behind you and locked it, and dropped the key into your back. 

“You look gorgeous doll,” he said, still in awe at you.

“You clean up well Barnes,” you said, “Let’s get to that wedding.”

➽───────────────❥

Bucky found himself looking at you with awe whenever you didn’t notice. A lot of the family Bucky once met at his wedding leaned into him saying that his current family was cute and received their blessings. 

He didn’t notice how much the three of you looked like a family until one of Nat’s cousins pointed out that his tie, matched your dress, which matched the flowers on Layla’s dress.

He looked over and saw you, Wanda, Carol, Nebula and Sharon sitting and sharing a drink. He smiled, before he heard someone call out his name, he turned around and saw Natasha, “Can we talk?” 

“What?”

“I wanted to apologize for everything, and I’m glad you found someone who treats you well and loves Lay,” Nat said, motioning to Layla sitting on your lap.

“Thanks Nat,” he responded, sipping on his soda.

“Truce?” She asked.

“Truce.”

➽───────────────❥

It was well after twelve, and Bucky was dropping you home. Layla was taken to Wanda’s earlier, and Layla was going to spend the night there. You and Bucky had a grand time, you two laughed, shared drinks, shared a few dances, and a few glances here and there. 

You were wrapped up in his suit jacket due to it being colder than you anticipated when you were leaving the hall. “I had fun tonight,” you said, as you walked up the stairs.

“Thank you for coming, I appreciate it,” he said.

“Anything for you,” you said looking at him, you felt the air shift and you didn’t mind.

Both of you leaned in, until your lips were touching and moving in harmony. Your arms found their way behind his neck, and his hands were wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer. You broke away when you needed air. You gave him a sheepish smile, before he pecked your lips again.

“Glad this dress did its job,” you joked.

“You bought this just for me?” He asked, running his fingers along the satin material that was along your waist..

“Of course, I needed to match your tie, for obvious reasons, and I hope it would lead to something like this. Needless to say, it did its job,” you said brushing hair out of his eyes.

“Well, if this dress is for me, I would like to see it on the floor,” he whispered seductively in your ear.

“You better get to work loverboy,” you said, before he picked you up and took you into your house.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #407

“sugar pop, sugar pop, baby here i come, straight to #1″

Do you follow any special diet? (dairy free, vegetarian, gluten free etc.) No. What’s your favourite summer activity? Swimming is all I really enjoy about summer. Who was the first person to break your heart? It wasn't in a romantic sense obviously, but my dad. First band you obsessed about? I've only ever *truly* been obsessed with Ozzy Osbourne as a band, haha. First place someone took you on a date? I want to say a local skating rink. It was a group thing. How many doors are in the room you’re in? Two, if you include the closet door. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Yes. Do you have any nieces or nephews? Quite a few. Which movie villain do you find the most terrifying? Well, if you've seen the scene where Pyramid Head literally rips a woman's skin off like a sheet in Silent Hill... u kno. I genuinely do find him to be a terrifying monster though, all bias aside. Humanoid monsters with ambiguous faces unsettle me. I wouldn't want that knife swingin at me, either. Do you get grumpy when you’re hungry? Yuuuup, I sure can. Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? I have done that maybe twice in my whole life. Which one of your family members are you closest to? My mom. If chocolate was an illegal drug - would you be a drug addict? Nah. I'd be able to survive if it was illegal, but it would suck. Are you proud of your parents? Yes in some areas, no in some others. There are things both have said and/or done that I can't say I'm proud of them for, but overall, I am. Do you say “soda” or “pop”? "Soda." Are you shy about singing in front of people? YUP. I just don't do it. If you could get backstage tickets to ANY concert - which would you pick? Ozzy. :') It'd be fantastic to tell him thank you for his music that has always brought me joy and comforted me, and also let him know for sure just how strong he is and that it is absolutely not overlooked to still be nailing out an album while fighting Parkinson's. I'd probably start blubbering like a baby while rambling at some point, haha. Which is better: orange or grape soda? Orange. I don't like grape soda. Do you sleep with a sleep mask? Well, you could sort of call it that, ha ha. I have to wear an APAP mask to subdue my sleep apnea that causes wild nightmares/terrors. Do you like techno music? It's actually grown on me the past few months. Have you ever been drunk? No, I've never quite reached that point. I've only been tipsy. Are you mad at your best friend right now? Nope, got no reason to be. Do you know anybody with a pet snake? Yes, including myself. Is there any drink that you absolutely MUST drink cold? WATER. ABSOLUTELY WATER. I canNOOOOOOT do room temperature water anymore. It's gotta be pretty damn cold for me to drink it like it's nothin'. Have you ever painted anybody's nails aside from your own? No. Do you ever donate to the less fortunate? Mom likes to donate our old clothes and stuffed animals. Did you buy an American flag after 9/11 to put on your car/house/ whatever? I was a little kid when this happened, so. I don't know if my parents did. Honestly, do you have any Hilary Duff on your MP3 player? HA, I do. I love "Who's That Girl." When was the last time you had an ice cream sandwich? Wow, probably years... I really, really want one now, ha ha. Have you ever caught a friend cheating on their bf/gf? Well, my sister's friend, anyway. I was just sitting on the computer in the living room and there they were on the couch just casually making out. Do you enjoy doing math? Fuuuuck no. Do you think your mom has secrets she’s never told you? Oh, I know she does. There are things she's done that I know I have plenty of missing details from, but I don't ask because I know they're sensitive subjects. Do you own anything you don’t want your parents to know about? No. Do you pose in your pictures or just smile? I usually just smile. Do you use scented soap in the shower? Yes. It smells like cinnamon rolls and it is HEAVENLY. Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No. Who was the last person you danced with? Enjoyable? Ha, Sara. Yeah. Dark or light colored jeans? Dark, 100%. I never wore light jeans. Can you take apart a computer and name all the parts? No sir. Can you take apart a car and name all the parts? That's an even bigger "no." Have you ever purchased a lotto ticket? No. What is the longest amount of time you've spent playing Monopoly? Idk. Have you ever witnessed a tornado first-hand? Thank fucking Christ I haven't. I am terrified of them. Have you ever colored your eyebrows? No. Have you ever taken another person's prescribed medication? Pain medicine, yes. Have you ever played golf (not miniature golf)? No. I'm not interested to, either. Have you ever gotten dressed with the windows open? I definitely don't believe so. Have you ever taken a shower outside? At the beach, yes. If you could call it a "shower." Have you ever been to a junkyard? No. Have you ever watched the History Channel willingly? No. If you could get the cell phone of your choice - what would it be? Probably a current iPhone. Apple is such a rip-off, but damn is the camera good lmao. Do you hand out candy to kids on Halloween? This will be my first Halloween in this house, so I really don't know if trick-or-treaters happen here. Do you like huskies? Love 'em, but I could neeeever own one with all that fur. What do you smell like? I'm always self-conscious over if I smell like sweat because of my hyperhidrosis. I hope not. Do you take your dog for walks? I don't have a dog. I used to take Teddy when he was younger, though. He loved those, but I stopped when I noticed his arthritis kicking in. Have you ever went paintballing? No. Seems stupid to me, honestly... Like that shit seems painful, so like, why??? What kind of movies are you drawn to? Horror and fantasy, mostly. I don't watch movies often. How often do you update your Facebook status? Just about never because I either just have nothing to say or am afraid of saying something stupid. I only ever share posts or pictures that appeal to me. What type of pet would you like to have? A Brazilian Black tarantula. :( I will whine about that until the day I get one, ha ha. I would also really, really like a plains hognose and a woma python. What breakfast are you most likely to have? Cereal. When you're starting to feel sick, you: It depends on what kind of "sick," but odds are I'm heading for the medicine cabinet. What colors are you most drawn to? Pastel ones. :') Light and pretty. What deadly sin are you most likely to commit? Sloth. When you're away from home, what makes you feel at home? "Having my stuff with me, like my laptop." <<<< Same. Do you prefer to lounge in a hot tub or swim in a pool? Swim. How many books do you have out in the public areas of your house? None. Who makes a better burger, in your opinion? Sonic. @_@ What do you like best about the holidays? Seeing my niece and nephew so excited. You think your eyes convey: Boredom, probably. Besides screaming for ice cream, what else do you scream for? If a bug surprises me by being on me. Well, depending on the bug. Do you like fried chicken? Noooo, it is so gross to me. What do you think of belly button piercings? They are SO cute imo. I want one, but I think it would look hideous on me. Maybe if I was actually thinner. Not saying bigger people can't wear belly button piercings, I just don't think it would look good on me. Do you like plain Lays potato chips? They're my favorite! I especially like the ruffled kind. Is there a big screen television in your house? In the living room, yeah. Would you rather no heat in winter or no A.C in summer? No heat in the winter, EASILY. I can't handle no A/C when it's hot. At least if you're cold, you can bundle up with tons of blankets. Have you ever had braces? I did for a long time because we couldn't afford to take them off. Do you do your own laundry? No, honestly. Mom likes to just do it all together, so I let her do it. Which do you prefer: English, Irish, or Australian accents? Irish. Is there anything on your bedroom door? Yeah! I got a "Meerkat Lover St." sign for my door. :') What is the best vegetable? Broccoli. Guys in eyeliner: Hot or not? That shit is h o t. Have you ever seen your favorite band live? No. :( Do you drink water or soda more often? Ugh, soda. Did you collect Pokemon cards back in the day? I didn't deliberately, but only because I was awkward about asking for Pokemon stuff because I thought people thought I was weird for being a girl and being obsessed with it. I think I got one pack. I really, really wish I'd been less self-conscious about that passion. Pet turtle: yay or nay? I'm personally not interested. Did anyone famous come from your town/city/school? Yeah, but I'm not sharing who. Have you ever seen a celebrity on the street? No. Have you ever pretended to be sick? To avoid school sometimes, yes. Can you ice skate? Never tried, too scared to. The blades terrify me. Do you have your nose pierced? No, but I want to have it redone. Do you loooove Tim Burton movies? I sure do! What arcade games do you like to play? I haven't been to an arcade in forever... but I liked the racing ones. What's the most expensive gift you've ever gotten for someone else? I'm not sure. Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom, or your dad? At this moment, probably my dad. We haven't hung out in a long time. What would you say if you found out your last ex was in a relationship? I'd be happy for her and tell her she'd better let me know if the person ever fucks up so I can kick some ass, ha ha. Are you easily confused? Very. I'm slow to understand things. Where was your MySpace/Facebook default taken? My bedroom. Can you whistle with your fingers in your mouth? No. I've never understood how that works. Do you like peanut butter? Love it.

[msiopao]

The One with the Polaroids

pairing: jungkook x nobi

summary: whilst cleaning their closet, nobi stumbles upon a box that she thought she lost 5 years ago

to say the least, it was dirty.

ever since they moved in 2 years ago, the dorm hasn’t been properly cleaned because they were either too busy with touring or too lazy to do it. but it has gotten to the point where they actually were willing to clean everything. part of the reason might’ve been the boredom and the need to do something productive and the other reason could be that they would like to grab something without dusting it off first.

nobi and jungkook first started cleaning their room and around their beds. with having the biggest room in the dorm, they took a while to fully dust, vaccum, and throw away random garbage they found either under their beds or under their desks.

“ew, kook, why is there a banana milk box here?” she whined in disgust when she saw it under his bed.

jungkook merely shrugged and continued wiping the windows. “i don’t know. probably had a late snack.”

“dear god, jeon jungkook, we have a trash can for a reason!” she chided but he just turned to give her a grin.

“sorry.”

sighing, she got up from the floor and fluffed up the millions of pillows on her bed before grabbing the broom to sweep under her own bed. there was just paper balls and socks in the mix but she noticed a hoodie that she thought she really lost forever ago.

“oh my god!” nobi squealed and picked it up, examining it. it looked the same except it just had dust bunnies. “my stussy jacket!”

jungkook finished his job and looked over to what she was squealing for and gave her a look. “you mean my stussy jacket?”

laughing at his question, nobi walked over to him and patted his cheek. “sharing is caring, bub.”

a knock from their bedroom door made her go and answer it, finding jin at the other side.

“just saying that we have all the washers running so you might wait a while to run your guys’ stuff,” jin explained causing her to pout.

“this is why i keep saying that we should buy another. it’s a hassle with only 5 washers,” she pouted. jin smiled before ruffling her hair.

“once one of them is done, i’ll tell you.”

jungkook picked up a striped sock before tossing it to his laundry basket so that it could be washed. it baffled him of how many socks he has, considering he walks around the house barefoot.

once jin left, nobi went to their closet and opened the door, revealing the tons of clothing hanging on both top and bottom. it was split into 2 sections with jungkook’s and her clothing separate. but honestly, there was no use as she used his clothing most of the time. 

“hey, jungkook, should we wash all of our clothes? i mean, some of these haven’t been washed in several months. probably, since we moved,” she said.

he followed her inside and went to the very back of the closet, noticing that there was actually dust on the shoulder of one of his jackets. he took it off the long bar and examined it, forgetting he even owned it.

“do you remember this jacket, bub?” he asked making nobi look at him.

she looked at it and furrowed her eyebrows before shaking her head no. “i don’t think i’ve seen it before.”

“hm, maybe we should donate some of our clothes that we don’t own anymore. its good to give to those who need it rather than letting it sit here.”

nobi looked at him, shocked. “wah, jeon jungkook! you sounded so mature just now!”

he rolled his eyes and shoved her shoulder to hide the redness of his cheeks. “shut up. i’m always mature.”

she grabbed a big laundry basket for them to put their clothes in and they placed the hangers back on its place. nobi was amazed at how big their closet was and how small it felt when they it used to cramped with clothing. as they neared the end of the line, she saw a few boxes on the very back corner that looked like its never been touched.

she crouched in front of it and inspected it to see her handwriting, ‘2015′. lifting the boxes individually, she placed it by the foot of her bed and got out a pocket knife to cut through the packing tape that sealed it shut. jungkook noticed her with the boxes and sat on her bed as she wrenched the cardboard box open.

inside, there were many little trinkets from what looked to be tickets to a movie, a shonen jump magazine, a red jacket, and a smaller box at the bottom. carefully placing the stuff on top of her bed, she pulled out the black box and she felt a familiarity with it.

“ah! that box!” jungkook pointed. she looked at him in confusion.

“this?” she held up before lifting the lid open, finding an old polaroid camera with different pictures.

nobi held up the black and white object and blew the dust away, making jungkook cough as it was directed as his face. he made a sound of surprise but she paid him no mind, fingers reaching for the polaroids that were a mix of colored and black and white.

“did i... did i forget about these?” she whispered, hurt and angry at herself for not remembering about these precious memories.

“to be honest, i even forgot about it. maybe the members too,” he reassured.

there was one from her birthday. in the bottom, it was written, ‘nov 7 2014′ while the picture was of her with icing all over her face and carrying the birthday cake. she had a wide grin on her face and a party hat on her head.

“oh my god.. i remember these now,” she quietly stated. “this was one of the things that i took with me when i became a trainee. it was originally my mum’s.”

jungkook softly smiled at her and he gently grabbed her hand to sit on the bed where she was situated between his legs with her back against his chest. he rested his chin on her shoulder while she sifted through several more pictures.

one of her and tae in the restaurant they used to go to.

one of her and jimin in the dancing studio.

one of jin cooking.

one of hobi as he smiled widely.

one of namjoon in LA.

one of yoongi playing the piano.

one of her and jungkook as they clutched the music show trophy.

all of these were the memories of her youth yet they were sealed away in a box, only to be found years later.

as much as there were pictures of her members, jungkook was in most of them. from the simplest things like catching him staring at the camera to the happier things like their picnic in Han river that one night. he was present in almost all of the pictures and the camera lens was most familiar of his face.

nobi took a minute to fully look at this picture of her and kook where they were both lounging on her top bunk with their backs against the wall and her head on his shoulder while his rested on top of hers. the light hit them perfectly and the white walls shined the setting sun behind them. she remembered asking tae to take the picture and them fearing for their lives when their combined weight rattled the bed with the slightest movement. they both wore white and both of their hair was as messy as it could be.

it was labeled, ‘may 8 2014′, in black sharpie marker.

“god, my bare face was so bad back then.” her complaints made jungkook gently pinch her side.

“you were and have never been ugly.”

she turned her head to look at him, “yah, remember when i forgot to wash my face for 2 days and suddenly acne popped out of nowhere?”

he laughed and hugged her tighter. “you were forgetful. actually, still is. and you were too busy practicing in the studio to remember that you needed to take care of yourself too.”

a sad smile slowly replaced her grin, “but when i did remember, there was no cleanser left. i didn’t have money to buy more so i just endured it.”

“i think i used it all up. does my apology still count today?” he playfully asked to lighten her mood.

but the pain didn’t leave. “i remembered begging my parents for money. i wanted to have enough money to take care of all of us and put the company’s money to the music video.”

jungkook grew silent as she relived the time in their past where they struggled financially. it was a time where they almost disbanded because of their lack of money and not being financially stable enough to create their mv.

“i took the last bit of money i had to go to Jeju and i threw all my shame out of the window by asking them for more money. taehyung cried because he was hungry but we already spent our food money for the month. the imo from the restaurant has fed us so many times and never asked anything in return. that was when i knew i had to do something,” said nobi. “our manager was already doing so much for us and i didn’t want to ask for more.”

she never told him or the members this so he stared at her, sad and slightly upset that she burdened herself so early on. jungkook could faintly remember her disappearing for a few days and turning up a few days later with food from the convenience store. the angry outburst from yoongi being so worried for her still echoes in his memory to this day.

“i didn’t want all of our hard work to go to waste. i knew if we didn’t have any money, we would be forced to break up and i didn’t want to leave you guys. even if they didn’t help us, i wanted to think that i did everything i can to keep us together and i fought every battle with my all. we were just starting and the thought of it ending so quickly scared me.”

“we fought those battles and we won them all, nobi. we won them together,” he soothed. jungkook could feel her relax into his chest and he placed a kiss on her hair to remind her that he is there for her.

“god, i just brought the mood down, didn’t i?” she laughed. jungkook shook his head no.

“hm, no. you’ve always kept these things to yourself and never speak out whenever you have troubles. so, hearing you talk about this makes me happy because i feel like you’re finally opening up to me, bub.”

nobi swung her legs so she was able to look at him and wrapped her arms around his neck, softly tugging at the hair at the nape of his neck. jungkook looked down at her with a curious smile while he rested his hand on her knee, caressing it gently.

“nah, i like keeping these things to myself. it gives me the mysterious vibes that i want. when people get curious about you, that’s when they instinctively stick around to try and figure you out. it’s like i’m running away and you’re after me to finally figure me out. i try to play hard to get,” she countered.

he chuckled before bumping her forehead with his. “is that why i’m still with you?”

“the chase is not over yet, jeon jungkook-ssi.”

“then i’ll chase you till it is.”

....

with their cleaning tools scattered around the floor and previous intention of laundry wiped from their minds, they spent the next few hours using up the leftover film in the camera. nobi tried to make it as aesthetically pleasing as possible with her posing on the bed with a fake rose or jungkook standing by the window. 

“wah, i feel bad for ARMY who can’t have these pictures. maybe we should post them?” she curiously asked while waiting for the picture to develop. he blanched at her question.

“yah, these are too intimate to be revealed to hundreds of millions of people in the internet!” he bursted causing her to laugh out loud. he sat up from the bed as he was previously laying, thinking of different picture ideas.

“i know. im just teasing. its cute to see you so jealous,” she smirked.

jungkook pouted and tutted. “i’m not jealous. i just try to help and look out for your innocent image.”

nobi walked towards him from the window and stood between his legs, jungkook loosely holding her hips. she pushed the hair that was covering his forehead and placed a soft kiss on it.

“i think we all know that concept has been out of the window since we turned legal.”

a/n: the moods in this one is just everywhere

additional: sorry for the total silence these past few days bc this girl has been binging on haikyuu

[southwindscoffee]

clutter

I’ve decided to go through my house and really and truly sort through old things and get rid of them, spruce the place up, and clean everything really well. I want to upgrade our furniture. But most importantly—and most scarily—I want to make the hard decisions about whether to keep or toss memorabilia and stuff with emotional meaning.

And books. I’m gonna toss books.

 This desire has required me to see our house in a new light. I’m visualizing how it would look different than it is. And this is an interesting process, because I’m feeling quite a bit of anxiety, even though I’ve barely gotten started.

 I know the physical space that I live in is important. I’ve come to realize that I’ve been lowkey stressed in my own home because I look around and see things to do everywhere, albeit unconsciously.

 I’m imagining that you’re the same way. Something little in my house might bother me, but if it isn’t taken care of, after a while it just stays there and never gets taken care of. I just get used to it. But it never really goes away.

 We’ve been in our house for fifteen years, and with two kids and plenty of room, stuff piles up. We regularly go through clothes and other items and make trips to the Goodwill. But it’s time for something more drastic.

 It’s taking me some effort to look at my home with a critical eye. I’m looking at “what is” and brainstorming/dreaming about how it can be better. More comfortable, functional, fun, and meaningful.

 Studying my TV room, I notice that it needs new paint, and the photos on the wall are fading, and it’s kind of a mess of wires and blu ray packaging. Our couch is ancient, and the chairs are castoffs from someone else. The whole room is not very pretty and while its very beat up-ness has been the reason why it’s comfortable and we hang out in there a lot, I think we can do better. I long for a matching couch and chairs. And—gasp—a coffee table.

 Our kitchen table is a bizarre freak—a mismatched tabletop and bottom—and several of the chairs are broken. One of them is broken at the top, and whoever sits there gets their hair tangled up in the part that’s split. So, this has to go.

And so on throughout the house.

How did we get here?

Quite basically, a slow accumulation of stuff.

 We’ve generally accepted hand me downs from family, although we have bought some furniture as functioning adults. We’re in a weird situation with a 100+ year old house and a barn, because it came with a lot of stuff, including furniture in the rafters. We joke about going shopping in the barn, because after 100 years, there’s a lot of interesting antiques in there.

 We’ve added to it, too. A habit we have is if something doesn’t work in the house, but we don’t want to get rid of it, we take things out of the house and put them in the barn. But this sort of shuffles around the problem and doesn’t lighten the psychic load.

 Because there is a psychic load to stuff. I’m feeling it these days.

 I’m really feeling it in relation to my books. As a writer and avid reader, buying books has been a form of therapy for me for a long time. While I do read a ton, I have many more books that I haven’t read, both in hardcopy and ebook. I’m scared to count.

 Lately, I’ve been daydreaming about having a library—a room totally devoted to books. But since there’s really no space for that in my current house and we have no plans to build one (nor do I really want to build one, honestly), I’ve decided to go through the books. And edit.

 (This is the part that scares me.)

 Because what if there’s something magical in the book I just tossed that I need to know? What if I get rid of the one book that will change my life, but I’ll never know because I haven’t read it? What if the book I toss is some first edition worth a lot of money? What if I trash it and then buy it again? (I’ve actually done that before—got rid of a book in a purging session and then later regretted it and bought it again.)

 These thoughts have caused me a whirlwind of emotions, even though I haven’t even started tossing things yet.

 Guilt for all the money I’ve spent (wasted?) on buying things I’ve not read and honestly am never going to read. Stress for seeing piles of books that I “should” read. Stress for seeing piles of books that I want to read and don’t have enough time. And yes, joy, at seeing the books that have become old friends that I’ve forgotten about.

Overall, a basic anxiety, and I’m not even sure I can identify why that is. I feel a little foolish, but this is my space to be honest.

 Still, even though I’m scared, I’m going to sort my books.

 I think this time, though, I’m going to go through books more slowly. When I’ve gone through and sorted books before, it’s been fairly obvious what I want to toss and what I want to keep—generally tossing books in which I have absolutely no interest or have duplicates and keeping everything else.

 Now, I want to tackle this task a bit differently. I really do want to go through each book Marie Kondo-style and pick it up. Touch it. Figure out intuitively if it’s something I want to keep (makes me happy) or if it’s something I can donate to the library. (That’s my current plan—to donate to the local library for their “friends of the library sale.”)

I’m scared of what is going to happen.

 Is it strange that I’m very much feeling like I’m facing my fears? This, to me, is the same as standing up in front of a huge audience and giving a speech. This is the same as delivering bad news to a client. This is the same as getting on a rollercoaster.

 I’m freaked.

 I’m still going to do it, but I’m freaked.

 What I think is going on is that I’m freaked that by tossing out things, I’m tossing out part of my life. Of course, this isn’t the goal—the goal is to keep the ones I actually love and let myself live better with less stuff.

 But I’m writing these ideas down not only to process them, but also to see if someone out there connects with this. If you’ve felt weighed down by stuff but simultaneously scared to toss what is weighing you down. Did you go through with it? How do you feel now?

As for me, I can’t wait to find out what happens.

[over-a-new-leaf]

self-care 101 (covid-19 period)

Since we’ve rolled round to another May bank holiday, I thought it’d be nice to share some tips with you. As a homebody, and someone who will do absolutely ANYTHING to avoid one specific boring activity, I’ve racked up quite a long list over the past few years. Obviously, I’m no professional - but I find these help. There’s no specific chronological order to these - just pick and choose as you like!

Get out of bed!

Or lie in if you need to. Whatever makes you feel good

Start off the day with some yoga or meditation, or basic stretches

Or pray for a bit if you’re religious

Make your bed: tuck your sheets in, rearrange your pillows, etc.

Brush your hair and tie it up nicely

Pick out a cute outfit - could even be your favourite PJs - and lay it out

Go take a soothing shower, or a bubble bath

Use a bath bomb, get some nice candles if you feel like it

Put on some nice music to relax to

Try out a new hairstyle or style your hair the way you would if you had somewhere to be!

Slap on some makeup, why not? :) 

Floss your teeth, or maybe use that teeth whitening formula you never picked up again after using it for the first time

Pick out a recipe for a hair mask or face mask and put it on

Before doing any of these, make sure they suit your hair & skin type

E.g. if you have frizzy and dry hair, use a moisturising and rejuvenating mask vs if you have sleek, straight hair - use a volume-enhancing mask. Same goes for your skin - evaluate whether you have dry skin, oily skin or combination 

Stick to the recommended leave in time! It can be extremely difficult to get out later otherwise

Or make your own mask! There’s tons of recipes on YouTube and Google :)

Make yourself a nice breakfast

Breakfast smoothies are amazing! A really simple recipe I use contains a few spoonfuls of oats, handful of fruits (e.g. blueberries, strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, grapes), honey / sugar by taste and yogurt.

Or a nice bowl of your favourite cereal

Avocado toast - there are so many different varieties of this online, and I bet you’ll find that you like.

A fruit salad!

Eggs done the way you like

A full English if you’re feeling ambitious

Workout for an hour or so

This doesn’t have to be really equipment intense or challenging if you don’t want it to be

Some YouTubers I recommend: Chloe Ting, Emi Wong, Fitness Blender, MadFit, Blogilates, Yoga with Adrienne, etc. 

Don’t over exert yourself. Take longer than the recommended break time between exercises if you need to

Grab a new book, or a book you just enjoy reading

You can browse through Spotify for any playlists to listen to while reading - or use a playlist of songs you like

Listen to some music you like

Or discover some new music using Spotify’s ‘Discover’ feature

Preferably something that lifts your mood!

Pick out a recipe you’ve been meaning to try and just make it!

Dance around the house to some music

This can also be a sort-of-workout!

You can try learning a routine

TikTok dances are so stupidly fun

Maybe get a friend on vid-call and learn a dance with them

Make some TikToks

Or duet some on the app!

Get out a new bottle of wine - it’ll make you feel boujie ;)

Or your drink of choice - I’m not big into alc so I usually love a cool mint lemonade or iced coffee

Sit outside if the weather is nice

Or even if it’s rainy! I particularly love rainy days

Go for a walk around your neighbourhood

Do some grocery shopping! It can be surprisingly fun when you’re in no rush - plus, that’s a task off your future to-do list

Go meet a friend - stand at least 2m away and have a chat

Or text/ call your family / friends

Houseparty is great to use because it’s got games that you can play together if you’re not big on talking

Watch that TV series / movie you’ve been trying to get round to

Play with your pet, if you have one!

Do a cute lil photoshoot

Put on a nice outfit and take some nice pictures using the timer

Pictures with your pet

Or take pictures of your surroundings when outside

Or of the new dish you’ve impulsively made

Grab a pretty notebook

Start a bullet journal

Or a diary!

Do some journalling using journal prompts online

One really simple activity I really like is writing out 3 things that made my day :)

If you’re a poet or writer - write write write!

Maybe take the first step towards starting a blog (like I did last week, aha)

Play a musical instrument 

Or pick up something you haven’t played in a while

Try learning some basic chords online

Or just play your favourite music if you’re a professional

Sing along to your music!

Search up some online webinars and virtual events to attend

Lots of professional webinars on LinkedIn, even Facebook at times

Live museum and art gallery tours on Google!

Try some meditation

Headspace is a great freemium app, among others

Use a guided meditation from YouTube

Create a Pinterest account and start making boards

These can be pretty pictures

Or things you’ll have in your future house

Workout routines

Even more self-care recommendations

Sketching

There’s this activity where you put your playlist on shuffle and draw what comes to your mind when you hear each song

Or just search up an image online and draw it

Doodle in your bullet journal / book if you have one

Embroider/ stitch some of your old clothes

Plenty of tutorials online!

You can stitch in some cute images :)

Try a new podcast 

There are so many to explore on Spotify under the Podcasts section

Or watch something on YouTube

Learn something new if you feel like it

Pick up a subject area of interest and search it up on YouTube

You’ll get so many results!

Reorganise your house / room

Put on some music to jam along to while doing this!

Vacuum

Or just tidy all those papers off the desk

Reorganise your drawers

Fold your clothes

Dust any surfaces - super satisfying!

Maybe spice up your furniture placement

Try moving things around - be careful not to strain yourself

Do some laundry maybe

Yawn, but can be satisfying once you’ve done it!

Purge your wardrobe of any old clothes

You can donate them to charities

Or sell them on apps like Depop

Do some online shopping

Be careful not to spend too much though! :)

Download a photoprint app and get some pictures printed

There’s a lot of apps that offer you __ amount of free prints with delivery costs - not a bad deal!

You can finally make a photowall / collage

Try some scrapbooking 

Get out some old newspapers and magazines and cut out any pictures of words that particularly catch your eye

Make pretty lil collages or spreads with them

Reorganise your digital folders

E.g. bookmarks on Chrome

Saved folders on Insta

Email folders

To Do lists

Give them pretty names so you’re more likely to use them in future

Catch up on some much needed sleep 

Afternoon cat naps are actually lovely!

Make yourself some tea or coffee and just sit by the window with some music

Cliché and niche, but makes you feel calmer!

Try some chai recipes online if you’re into relatively milky tea or trying out new recipes

I’m not a big fan of chai ^ which is surprising as an Indian, but my family and friends love it soo

Do something with your family / roommates

Movie night!

Group dinners (even better - themed dinners!)

Or a fine dining wine night (bonus points if you dress up!)

Board games night

Or just games night e.g. charades, Headbandz, Psych (app)

DnD - never tried it but sm people have recommended it!

Make some TikToks

Sit around and chat

This is random but you can make PPTs about things you like and present them to each other - good for shit n giggles :) 

Play an old online game e.g. Fireboy and Watergirl!

Create each other in the Sims 

Organise some friendly competitions :)

Truth or Dare? 

Look at star sign stuff with them - whether you believe or not, it’s an interesting thing to do nonetheless

Do Enneagram tests - extremely interesting and scarily accurate from my personal experience

Experimental cocktails maybe!

Some DIY arts and crafts!

Pitch a tent outside

Or make a pillow fort inside

Speaking of which - pillow fights!

Karaoke night

Or set up your own club - make a playlist, get some strobe lights or turn off the lights and get everyone to switch on their phone flash and just dance around. Get some drinks if you want as well!

Have a BBQ - great to do especially in the afternoons or early evenings!

Have a date night if it’s just the two of you :)

Have a picnic outside

Text someone something nice!

Win-win for the sender and the recipient :)

Great chance to reconnect with someone

Cleanse your devices & social media profiles

Change your profile pictures, bios

Archive / delete some pictures (we’re all guilty of this)

Maybe restart your account if you haven’t used it in too long, have too many random followers or just want to start afresh

Check your phone storage and delete stuff accordingly

Change your wallpaper / theme

Back up old pictures and delete them off your device 

And that’s my list for now! I might add to it later if something comes to me but I hope you guys enjoy this! :) 

Image credits:

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/151574343695926876/

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/579627414531062674/

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/AQzIfTN5EwSc9JESrIo1l8AQw6cznXq2HLFq_SQk6La00-yL2As1QnY/

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/499055202462999051/

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/328481366576228467/

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/6262886962801682/

[justbeingalittlenervous]

It’s okay to be...

Mmmm it’s day.... gosh I actually don’t know, I lost count after day 8 I think. But I’ve had a lot of friends messaging me about self care and what they can do at home to manage their days better.

I am by no means an expert, but thanks for asking! As you may know, I live with bipolar disorder as well as a severe anxiety disorder. I’d like to say my sleeping disorder is under control but most weeks it’s not. First thing I can say about lockdown is this... relax. Calm down. Just because everyone is “doing all the things” doesn’t mean you have to.

I’ll be honest, approaching the lockdown I was incredibly stressed out. I was getting my team prepped to move their desks home, as we are working our normal schedule during the lockdown, but I also had zero time to prep for what I was about to endure. I didn’t get to rush to the shops, or buy tons of different activities. My first day to prepare was the first actual day of lockdown, and I still had to work that day. The reason I’m saying this, is because I’ve had to find activities around the house to keep myself busy.

Like I said, these are just a few things I do - it’s helped me keep my mental health in control but it’s also helped me stay sane. I haven’t had a “wonky” day YET. 

1. Routine.

I swear this is the main reason I haven’t lost the plot yet, but I have stuck with my routine. I get up at the same time every morning, shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, do something with my hair and put on fresh clothes. It sounds silly, but I feel it keeps me productive.

2. Get Creative.

Those who know me personally know I am an 89 year old stuck in a 29 year old’s body. It’s the truth!!! During the lockdown I started knitting again. I’m only knitting squares, which I plan to donate to charity for winter blankets, but it’s proving to be a good use of my free time... and it helps my head stay focused. But if you don’t have knitting needles, try being creative and use home goodies to be creative - painting, drawing, baking, writing. 

3. Colouring in.

When my therapist recommended this activity a few years ago, I burst out laughing. I literally thought she was joking with me, but after a few “homework assignments” it proved useful to calm my mind down and help me sleep. During lockdown, I try colour in after work to wind me down and relax my mind. But it can actually be really fun, especially if your colouring in book is filled with swear words like mine!

4. Yoga

There isn’t much room for mad amounts of exercise in my flat, so I’ve started with yoga again. The first few days were a little difficult for me to concentrate... But I have found it gets rid of a lot of unused energy... thankfully! Also I don’t feel so bad about having a hot cross bun every now and then. 

5. Meditation

THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP of my day. Meditation! I started meditating shortly after finding out I was bipolar. Another tool my therapist recommended that has really helped keep me in check. I try to meditate every morning and night, but habits lead to mainly doing it at night before I go to sleep. My anxiety gets extremely bad in the evenings, I start to stress about all the tasks I have to sort out the next day, and if I don’t clear my head, well, no sleep then.

6. SiiiiiiiiiiMS!

Haha okay this one is just for fun. It’s mostly for the weekends, as I do work from 8am-5pm during the week. But I’ve found it to be a great way to kill time. I’m a huge fan of building and furnishing houses, it’s a habit. I did it as a teen, and now at 29... not much has changed! 

These little activities have helped me remain calm during all this chaos. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days. At the end of the day, only you know what is best for your mind and body. If you feel like you need a day in bed, with netflix and popcorn then do it! Stay safe, and stay clean 

Toodles.

[ifyougiveanerdacookie]

New Year, New Me

That’s how this works right?

I know the big thing this time of year is resolutions but those are pointless. I don’t think I have ever kept a New Year’s resolution more than a few weeks. I am a garbage human and it does not work. But I do still want to make some personal changes this year. 

So I’m going to be challenging myself instead. 

I realize that all I’m doing is changing what I call this process, but, maybe it will stick. Instead of telling myself I want some vague goal or to change everything about my life just because it’s January, I’m going to issue myself six specific, hopefully doable challenges. If I feel like one of them has been met, I may add another to replace it, or not, I get to make up the rules as I go. It’s fun. 

My challenges for right now are:

1. Write more. 

I’m not a story-writer or a novelist or anything like that, but I do want to write more. I want to journal and blog and actually use social media (more on that one later). So I am challenging myself to keep better written record of my life. In words. Even when it’s boring. I’ll do some of that here, some on other social media, and some in a bullet journal. Because I spend too much time on Pinterest and they’re just so pretty.

2. Share more. 

I am bad at social media. I’ve been on it since the cringe-worthy myspace days but it never seemed to take hold for me the way it has most other people I know. And I don’t necessarily think that’s completely a bad thing. But at the same time it’s not always a good thing either. My life is becoming more and more spread out as I get older. I have friends all over the world, I see relatives and people from my hometown less, I spend more time away from home and take more trips. 

And whenever I catch up with someone I’ve haven’t seen for a while or get back from vacation, people ask about my time away, and specifically, they ask for photos. Because people like pictures and I think we’re all a little accustomed to sharing our lives through photos and and videos. And, because I am bad at both taking photos and social media, I never have much to show them without awkwardly scrolling through 7000 pictures of my cat on my phone to find that one I took of that cake I made or the four I managed to take on my last trip.  So this is really a two-part challenge, I am challenging myself to take more photos (of things not my pets and especially of myself) and then to actually share them.

3. Eat better.

I feel like it’s an inevitability that the majority of people say they want to eat better or work out more or lose weight at the beginning of the year.  But I’m saying it anyway. Through a lot of different circumstances and things I’ve been using as excuses, some valid, some not-so-much, I have put weight over the past few years. To the point where I’ve officially gotten bigger than I have ever been before. And, as much as I want to deny it, it is affecting me. Physically and mentally. I am not happy with myself or my body and while the first will be a bit harder to work on, the second I can start. So I am challenging myself to eat better. For me, this means going low-carb, eating more whole food and more homemade food, and drinking more water. Because apparently you’re not supposed to live on pasta 30 ways and diet soda, who knew? I’m starting today, even though it’s Tuesday and my brain really wants to wait til next Monday. 

4. Move more.

I will never, ever be the type of person who enjoys working out. Even at my skinniest, I hated any sort of exercise. I will never plan my vacation around a 10k or spend my weekends doing obstacle courses in the mud. But that doesn’t mean I have to be the person who regularly spends entire days just going between my bed, the bathroom, and the kitchen. Sometimes, yes, but not regularly. So for this one, I’m challenging myself to find something I don’t hate doing that will get me off my ass. I’m going to try yoga and swimming first, because they’re both things I can do easily where I am, without spending a ton of money, and they induce less dread than something like running or going to the gym.

5. Spend less. Sorta. 

I know, without thought or question, that some of my worst habits and my spending habits. I buy things I don’t need, I buy too much of the things I do need and I buy things without thinking about it first. And I really don’t have the money to be doing this. I recently had to go through all of my clothes and even after throwing away or donating EIGHT trash bags stuffed full and stretching, just of old clothes, I still had too many to fit in my closet and two full sized dressers. There is no reason any one needs that many clothes. I also have more shoes than I’ll ever wear, more makeup than I’ll ever wear, more fabric than I’ll ever use....you get the picture. I do not need more things! I need to save money. I have a dream Disney vacation coming up in September that is going to be very expensive, I have loans to pay off, and I want to start saving so I can live in my own house or apartment sometime before I’m 40. So I am going to spend less, on things I don’t need, so I can put that money toward things that will mean more. The challenge I’m issuing here: do not buy anything, unless it is a genuine need, or I have put real thought in to why I want it. This is especially for makeup and beauty products, shoes, fabric, pens and notebooks, and CLOTHES.

6. Bake more.

I am a baker. I’ve been doing it for ten years, I’ve gone to school for it, it’s been my job more than once. But I realized that I hardly ever do it just because I want to anymore. I only ever bake when it’s what someone else wants. Everything I want to make lives and dies on Pinterest boards or doodles in a notebook. So my final challenge is to bake what I want to bake, just because I want to do it. Of course I will still do things for other people, there will still be birthday cakes and cookies for the Holiday fair and banana bread for my mom to take to work, but between those, I will make the things I’ve always wanted to make. 

I know it’s likely that no one will ever read this, and that’s okay. But at least I have some accountability now. The internet is forever so I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist when something gets hard to do. 

I also realize that I said I wasn’t doing vague and lofty goals and that’s exactly what some of these sound like, but I do have more specific things about them written in my journal, which I may put up somewhere too.

Here’s to 2019, taking ass and kicking names. 

[amiafairyprincessyet]

I absolutely love your blog! Your outfits are so well put together, and the whole thing has a really nice positive aesthetic. I'm curious though, what got you into fashion? And how did you learn to curate your look?

Thank you so much!  And I’m afraid my answer for this stuff is always a bit useless, because I’ve been obsessed with fashion since I was old enough to be obsessed with stuff in general.  A lot of the stuff that I do when putting an outfit together is completely instinctual; I just know what works and what doesn’t.  I can tell you that these shoes won’t work with that dress, but I can’t tell you why.  (I have the same problem with grammar and writing conventions, since I grew up reading so much that I never consciously learned the rules.)

I can give you a few tips on how to curate a wardrobe/aesthetic, but they’re pretty general.  But also very long, as it turns out, so let’s continue this under the cut.

The first thing is just figuring out what you like and what you’re going for.  I recommend using something like Pinterest and just pinning stuff every time you see something you like.  It can be all kinds of things–runway models, someone’s selfie, a photo of a landscape, etc.  After you’ve been doing this for a while, scroll through the board and think about recurring patterns.  What are some things you keep seeing over and over again?  Are there any colors that are present in most of the pictures you’ve pinned?  Looking at that, you can figure out some stuff that you really want to incorporate into your aesthetic.  Let’s use me as an example; looking at my Pinterest, I’m noticing some patterns.  Right now, I seem to be into:

earth tones and neutrals, esp. dark green and off-white

stripes

athleisure

draped, loose stuff

fun details, like jewelry and embroidery

(My Pinterest actually tends to lag a little behind what I’m really into, because now that I’m a High Level Fashion™ I kinda do things in the reverse order of what I’m advocating here.  So I’m actually into more tailored, somewhat professional stuff now.  But this is a good way to start out.)

So I’ve got that.  Now, I might think about my closet–what stuff do I already have?  I definitely have some draped/loose stuff, and plenty of earth tones and neutrals.  I also own a lot of jewelry, but I don’t wear most of it.  So if I want to move closer to this aesthetic I seem to like, what do I need?  I need striped stuff–I don’t have much–and athleisure clothing.  I also might want to look for some embroidered stuff, and I should sort through my jewelry and get rid of the stuff I don’t wear.

With that in mind, I can go shopping.  I find that having a list like this really helps keep me from a) spending too much, and b) buying random crap that doesn’t actually work in my wardrobe.  If I know that I’m looking for stripes, athleisure, and embroidered stuff with an emphasis on earth tones, neutrals, and loose-fitting things, that rules out a ton of clothing!  I can also go through stuff I don’t wear very often and see if any of it fits what I’m into, and maybe that clothing will get a second chance instead of getting donated.

(I do also recommend getting rid of as much clothing as possible, basically, because having stuff in your closet that you don’t actually wear much can make it harder to see the stuff you do like and wear.  But I don’t mean “oh you should own thirty articles of clothing and No More” since I am absolutely a cluttered maximalist.  If minimalism works for you, cool, but I don’t recommend it as a hard-and-fast rule.  I just recommend getting rid of excess crap.)

Now, let’s say I’ve bought some new stuff, and pulled some old stuff out of the depths of my closet.  Combined with the stuff that survived my hypothetical closet clean-out, I have a pretty decent wardrobe set up.  It’s not totally complete yet, but I can definitely make enough outfits for most Life Stuff I have to do.  Next, I have to turn it into outfits!

(A note on storing clothes–I’m boring and practical and do it by function.  So shirts are together, dresses are together, etc.  But I’ve found that, when I’m in situations where my closet ends up jumbled, I come up with some cool outfits because I see two things near each other and realize they could go well together.)

When I’m getting dressed in the morning (or picking my outfit out the night before, if I’ve got my shit together) I ask myself three things:

What’s the weather going to be like?

What am I going to be doing?

What do I want to wear?

These questions all interact with each other.  For example, if I want to wear a crop top but it’s gonna be twenty degrees Fahrenheit all day, I’m shit outta luck.  But what if it’s going to be forty degrees, and I want to wear a light, summery dress?  I can make that work, with clever layering.  Unless!  What if I’m going to be outside a lot, catching buses and maybe walking through town?  Then I might want to wear pants; a lightweight dress in cold weather only really works if you’re gonna be mostly indoors, no matter how well you layer.

Let’s use today as an example.  Right now I’m typing this partially dressed–I didn’t have work this morning, and I don’t have to leave for class until 12:50 pm.  (I should be doing homework in this time, but whatever.)  So, what’s the weather going to be like?  It’s going to be in the low seventies, overcast, with a low chance of rain later.  What am I going to be doing?  I’m going to class, and then I have work in the evening.  I also rinsed my hair this morning, and the dye is fresh enough that it’s leaking/rubbing off on things a little still.  Since it’s wet, I want to leave it down to air dry.  That means I can’t wear anything too light-colored on top, since my hair will touch it and stain it; if it was dry, and I put it up, I could wear a lighter shirt.  (It comes out with some stain remover spray and a wash in cold water, usually, but it’s not a risk I enjoy taking.)  With both school and work, I want to dress a little nicer/more professionally.  And, because of work, I have to wear a brightly colored top.  What do I want to wear?  Well, luckily enough, I want to wear a brightly colored top that I bought recently and haven’t had a chance to wear yet.  And it’s orangey-pink, so once my hair’s air dried a bit more, the stains shouldn’t show.

This top works with the weather (although I may need a light jacket) and what I have to do today.  Now, what should I wear with it?  My black pleated skirt would be cute, but I just wore it yesterday.  It doesn’t need to be washed, since it didn’t actually touch my skin and I didn’t do anything strenuous, but I don’t want to wear it two outfits in a row.  My dad just made a trip up to drop off some things I forgot at home, including some bottoms.  But none of those work; they clash with the top, aren’t right with the weather, or would just look a bit weird.  Maybe a pair of jeans?  It’s going to be cool enough that I can do that without overheating.  I think my mom jeans would look too ‘80s-in-a-bad-way with the shirt, but my skinny jeans would look nice!  And I can wear a random pair of compression stockings under them.

Now, with my skinny jeans, I have to wear boots.  Which ones?  Well, I also want to wear my newish watch, which will kinda match the shirt.  It has a brown band.  My brown boots will look nice with that, although I’ll need to remember to wear socks on top of my compression stockings, since those boots are a tad large.  The boots are leather, and I’ve never bothered to seal them, so I try not to wear them when it’s going to rain.  The chance is low enough, though, that I’m not worried about it.  But wait!  The brown boots have brass buttons, and the watch has silver parts.  Oh no, not mixed metals!  Well, I’ll have to make it obvious that it’s intentional–I’ll wear the chevron earrings that have a few different metals in them*, and I’ll mix it up with my other earrings too.  I might wear a necklace, if I can find one that I think works.

None of my jackets that I have with me at college work perfectly with the outfit, so I’ll just grab my olive green one with the daisies embroidered on it.  It’ll look fine, and I won’t include it in my photos.  With my makeup, I’ll probably do some brown, and I might mix some metallic stuff there as well.  I’ll most likely go for a darker lipstick, since bright ones would clash with my shirt.

So yeah, that’s my thought process picking out my outfit today–I started a lot of it last night, because I was thinking this was a day where I could finally wear that new shirt.  It looks like a lot written out like this, but I go through it pretty quickly in real life.

I hope that helps!

*this is why I wear that pair so often lmao

[seecourtneytravel]

September 19, 2018

Tabontabon Rural Health Clinic

I woke up (shocking I know) at like 0600 to make sure I was out of the house by 7am. I felt like one hour should be good enough to go to the Tabontabon Rural Health Clinic for my first real day at the location. I’m currently scheduled to arrive at this clinic Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 8am to 12pm. And then at the Leyte Provincial Hospital Tuesdays and Thursdays 8am to 12pm. Four hours a day for 5 days a week. Plus the commute time for just today going to the clinic is at least 1 hour… so I thought..

I arrived almost an hour late. Here’s how. I did my usual transportation from “Escina Bliss” to the Tanauan farmers market (30 minutes on jeepney). Once arrived there, I hopped on a tricycle to take me to the rest of the way to Tabontabon. The tricycle refused to leave until it had more passengers. Across from me was a friendly woman that was talkative even though she was not confident in her English. She held a baby in her hands that looked less than a year old and appeared to have been delayed. The baby was calm, not fussy, was okay being in his mom's arms for long periods of time. His eyes had nystagmus and his right arm was contorted with a constant fist. The Mother was so high spirited, patient, and calm. Nobody moved for over 40 minutes. Even they’re being a baby on board waiting to get to their home and out of the heat, the tricycle would still not budge.

Filipino Moms

I notice all moms here are resilient. They have their child 100% natural and would carry them probably until they can finally walk. My house sister, Arlyn is 25 with a 6 month old a 4 year old. Being here for a week, I have not once see her upset or impatient with her kids. She is always holding and rocking her 6 month old without tire. The baby never cries but just has smiles and then bigger smiles. It’s another amazement to see a house with two kids but no toys. No bouncers or a high chair. No iPad or endless entertainment for the 4 year old. The mothers and their children are simply resilient.

After another passenger boarded we finally made our way to Tabontabon. The next passenger was an 18 year old that looked 13. Her english was also also on the so so side but she smiled and conversed with me as much as she could. Again, always with a smile.

I was on the motorised tricycle for thirty minutes. My back was against a metal bar that was vibrating like crazy during the ride making it itch. I couldn’t keep my head on the inside of the domed portion as I sat in the back, because I was too tall. The tricycles are a lot of fun for short rides, not really ideal for my commute but there was no other way unless I wanted to pay triple the cost and grab a ride from a motorcycle.

I walked into the clinic on my own and was ushered into the back room by a staff memeber. I walked in on a meeting and their were about 20 or 30 people crammed into a small room. They sat me in a chair in the center and the head doctor asked me a ton of questions to answer in front of all the staff in the clinic. The basic questions and curiouslities like: Where are you from? Where do you work? How long? Almost like an interview. They always ask if I’m married and I have to break the news that I would need to have a boyfriend first for that. They all gasp in shock, giggled and Ooo-ed. I made a few jokes to make an ice breaker saying I was looking for my 90 day fiancé because I’m not getting any younger. Everyone laughed.

I was excused from the room as they finished their meeting. I changed clothes and started shadowing a clinic nurse. It felt like a high speed clinic or urgent care. She would get the vital signs, weight, and complaint. They would have their charts that would be clustered together by family name. The nurses write on a blank sheet of paper the date and complaint almost like it was a scrap paper but it was part of the charts. They would chart in English and communicate to the patients in waray- waray. I was advised by the head doctor to just observe today.

The community in tabontabon could not speak English and were typically too inland for schools and the atmosphere to have it in their curriculum. The patient population is super high in pregnant woman, babies, and kids.

One of the patients seen first by the nurse was a 1 year old with a fever. This was the first time I could see the nurse was allowed to act before having a doctors order. Whereas in the hospital was a little different. The nurse said to me? “We are advised to give paracetamol when a child comes in with high fever.” I looked at the box and didn’t recognise it but apparently it was their Tylenol. I was trying to do the math with the nurse to figure out dose calculation. I’m not sure why I couldn’t wrap my head around it but I couldn’t figure out why and how she got her numbers. I’m so used to setting up a math problem in a cross division sort of way, but apparently I have to hit the dose calculation books again because I felt pretty slow at this point. The box read 250mg/5ml, then it only gave the recommended dosing for age groups. The nurse explained to me that the patient weighs 7kg and the constant is 15. I was sitting there wondering.. (what the hell is a constant…. it’s not written on the bottle..). I tried the equation my cross division way and couldn’t get the answer. I asked her why 15? She just said because it’s the constant. I figured I would return to this problem when I have down time because I was obviously over thinking. Maybe it’s like the number 9 in our Tpa formula..

Anyways- she took the baby and mom to the front of the line with a basin of ice water for the mom to help cool the baby down. I said, “that’s a good idea, we typically don’t do that.” I think some of my side comments made America’s practice seem a little lazy in a way, but they were just general comments. Some responses I would get a gasping “really!” with eyebrows raised. But I was trying my best to internalise my own expressions with some differences I noticed in their practice. Now I’ll probably add cool wash clothes to my febrile baby patients. Sounds easy, but at times the little things can be overlooked. I’m so used to putting cold packs to the armpit or groin to an elderly patient. But babies are not my forte.

From initial assessment we headed to exam area. Here, I sat in the exam room where two medical residents took patients as they came. Both doctors were woman in their 30’s but looked like they were in their 20’s. They assessed, examines, and wrote prescriptions as if it was the triage nurses and PA’s would in triage at our home hospitals in the U.S. One baby came in with crackles. The doctor advised she should be placed on oxygen and have a breathing treatment. The doctor did a lot of the manual work and treatments in the room with a midwife assist. Equipment was scarce but they made due with the supplies they had to treat the baby to an improved condition.

I asked about why I was seeing so many midwives. I have not heard of any nurse practitioner here thus far as well so I feel as if their are different levels of care. I have seen nurses, midwives and doctors only. In the U.S., I believe being a nurse practitioner and then deciding to be a medical doctor is a very long path. The Philippines are required to be either a midwife or nurse first before being a doctor. This is all information that I’ve gathered being here during lunch room small talk and can have some inaccuracy.

The day was long as I sat there and heard constant convos in Waray-waray. It became the afternoon and I had lunch with the two residents. They reminded me of my American Filipino friends back home but they have never been to the U.S.. I talked with them asking how I could help or make a difference here because it seemed over staffed. I stated my concerns, stating that I thought my “hands on” experience won’t be used as much here. I also haven’t had a chance to explore the community with the staff as well. They go out into the community and teach preventive medicine and give vaccines. I also asked what supplies they needed because I noticed that was also an issue. Especially at the hospital, where it appeared to be dramatically under supplied and staffed.

I imagined myself going home and asking my nurse managers from the hospitals I’ve worked in to not throw away unused or expired supplies because they could have use in other areas of the world like the Philippines. We have so much waste but manage to know how to waste it (if that makes sense). I imagined If gloves were suddenly readily available in the Philippines they would either not use it based off of habits of practice or not know how to dispose of it. I imagine medical waste would end up in the street, untouched landfills I’ve see here, or even worse- in the ocean. So their was that boggling in my head.

After talking and eating with the doctors they took me back to the head doctors office so I could address my concerns. She basically asked me what my expectations were and I said to be more hands on. But that would just take away one of their staff members to watch over me or to translate for me. The resident mentioned that I thought about what items were needed to the head doctor. She said that most items get differed to the bigger hospital when donated and usually they are fine on their basic supplies at the clinic. Just another reminder of how Filipinos are resilient.

I left the office a little discerned like this may be more shadowing and I won’t be as hands on as I thought. There are nursing staff that do go out to the community to help with vaccinations and preventative medicine. I still need to see that here so there may be more to look forward to.

When I returned I asked Jude if I could maybe switch my days and maybe be at the hospital Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and only two days at the clinic. They said that would not be a problem.

[allnewdom]

2018 Desperation Donation Drive

Disclaimer: a ton of people in my circle have been instrumental in me even surviving to see this new year, so I’m not delusional and don’t expect even more help from you if you’ve helped me before. But if you can just share this, that would be help enough. If you’re sick of seeing stuff like this, I fully understand getting muted, unfollowed, or blocked or whatever. No hard feelings there.

I know people make posts like this every day and it’s so commonplace and what is essentially digital panhandling rubs many the wrong way, but this is the situation I’m in.

So, as most people who know me know, my girlfriend and I have been functionally homeless since the summer. For a bit, we were able to get by staying in hotels and bouncing around with friends, but then I lost my day job, and the both of us have struggled to find full time work. We’ve only been able to make it through on my freelance writing income and aid from friends. You’ve probably seen posts from me before trying to get money for food or to maintain shelter here and there. 

I don’t want to be doing this and I know that I’m far from the only person having a hard time at life. Plenty of folks have it far worse. But we’re at a bit of a crossroads where it’s feeling for the first time like things are actually about to get better. I’m not a pessimist, but living like this, day to day, for this long has corrosively eroded much of my hopeful demeanor. If we’ve had a conversation where I joke and laugh and seem upbeat like it’s all business is usual, it’s not because this situation isn’t hard, but because I know no one would want to keep talking to someone who voiced how worn out and hollow I’ve legitimately become. The few times I’ve been straight up about how negative and drained I feel, it spooks people out, so I just try to keep it to myself.

Anyway, about that light at the end of the tunnel. My girlfriend has had a months long battle with the Illinois unemployment office for seizing her benefits in DC due to a years old clerical issue. There’s been a lot of stop/start bullshit and back and forth with multiple offices trying to resolve this, an countless points where it seemed to be over, before someone would Columbo “one more thing” another form or piece of paperwork in her path. Today, she finally had a fruitful phone conference with the person who can actually fix all the red tape that caused the problem in the first place, meaning Chicago will stop taking her benefits every week (as they have for three months now) and reimburse her for what’s been held. 

With that not insignificant chunk of change, we would have enough for first month’s rent and a deposit someplace, so we can finally end this bout of terminal transience. The problem is it will take another week or so to fully process, and in the interim we have a pressing emergency that won’t wait. All of our belongings are currently in a storage unit in Navy Yard. Previously when it was on the auction block, folks online came through and helped us save it and retrieve some necessary winter clothes, but in the time since then, we haven’t been able to pay to keep it current and are currently locked out of it. We knew we were behind but thought the auction date wasn’t going to be until AFTER this unemployment money was going to come in. 

But the auction date is January 11th, Thursday. We have to pay in full by Wednesday, the 10th, at 6pm. There’s going to be additional fees tacked on if it’s not paid by tomorrow, but given that I just found this out, I’m not banking on getting this together by then. It’s everything we own, as we only have our suitcases with us, since we have to move around so much. Cycling through the same few days of clothes and my one pair of sneakers riddled with holes has not been in in single digit weather, but it could be a lot worse.

I’m trying to get the money together to save the unit from being sold to the kind of people you see on Storage Wars, but I’m also hoping to get enough for us to get by for a week until the unemployment benefits saga is finally completed. It’s a lot of money. The holidays just hit a lot of people hard. I’m not special. 2017 was an awful fucking year for a lot of people, so it being the worst year of my life isn’t some tragic aberration. That’s just how it is for people sometimes. It can always be worse.

I didn’t want to do gofundme or something and have them take fees and whatnot, so I’m going to post my various cash links below, as well as my email address, so if you do spare anything and want to specify how you would like to be paid back when I’m back on my feet, either through actual money or if you want me to do something or you (write, edit, proofread, move a heavy couch for you, confront a rude uncle, etc). I’m not a proud man and anything someone wants me to do in exchange for some help that doesn’t involve getting pissed on or surgically turned into a Walrus is fair game to me.

PayPal.me/domgriff

Cash.me/$domgriffin

dommiegriff(at)gmail(dot)com

If you’ve made it to the end, thank you for listening, and even if you can’t help monetarily, a reblog or a kind word also go a long way.

Thank you.

[fadingfartconnoisseur]

AK Monthly Recap: September 2017

I started September in Minsk, eager to visit four new European countries. I finished the month in New York, recovering after a very busy six weeks of on-and-off travel. And now I’m sitting in my apartment, totally pooped and yearning to travel like crazy while savoring all the time I have at home.

Here it is — the best of September!

Destinations Visited

Minsk, Belarus

Vilnius, Lithuania

Tallinn, Estonia

St. Petersburg, Russia

Helsinki, Finland

New York, NY, USA

Favorite Destination

St. Petersburg. It far surpassed my expectations with its beauty and grandeur.

Highlights

Visiting four new countries — including one that I thought would be quite difficult. I would really love to visit 100 countries, and being at 74 now puts that goal within reach. Also, I only have one country remaining in Europe — Cyprus!

That said, the last thing I want to be is the kind of person who lands in a capital, spends a day and a half there, and yells, “Country done!” I hate that. And I know that sounds ironic considering that I only visited one city each in Belarus, Lithuania, Estonia, and Russia. That wasn’t my intention at all for Lithuania and Estonia; see “Challenges” for why. So as I move on, I’ll be making an effort to visit more when possible.

Vilnius delighted me from the start. Coming from a tricky destination like Minsk, arriving in Vilnius felt like Scandinavia — people spoke English! There was wifi! Taxi drivers didn’t rip me off! I had a door code and could walk right into my apartment rental without having to meet the owner! But beyond that, I found Vilnius to be a beautiful and artsy city, as well as a major bargain compared to Western European capitals. One highlight was dining at Grey, where they have a Lithuanian tasting menu for just 14 EUR ($16), including beer. Thanks for the recommendation, Alex!

Tallinn entranced me with its beauty. Of the three Baltic capitals, Tallinn is easily the prettiest, and it reminded me very much of Prague. Once I left the old town, it reminded me a lot more of the Nordic cities I’ve seen, which sets it apart from the other Baltic capitals. I felt like I got to know the city much better once I headed away from the tourist zone, dining on Korean food and hanging out in coffeeshops among the locals.

The Hermitage is my new favorite museum in the world. It seriously blew me away — I could not believe the sheer level of art and beauty on display. The analogy that kept coming to mind was if the French had decided to put the art of the Louvre in Versailles instead! St. Petersburg as a whole was a delight from start to finish. It’s now one of my favorite cities in Europe! I loved the grandeur and the fashionable people.

Chill time in Helsinki. One thing I love about Helsinki is that there aren’t a ton of must-see sights — it’s a place for hanging out, drinking coffee, eating Fazer chocolate, and especially SHOPPING. I didn’t do much during my final days in Helsinki — more on that below — and it was what I needed.

Lots of fun times with friends and family in New York. Not one but two sets of college friends came to see Hamilton and I met them for eats in Hell’s Kitchen afterward. One night my sister, her boyfriend, and my friend Dave, a.k.a. the blogger behind Go Backpacking, and I competed at trivia at At the Wallace, one of my local bars, and we WON! My friend Anna from The Legendary Adventures of Anna turned 30 with a bang (and lots of wigs and jello shots), and my friend Amelia hosted a clothing swap where we brought several nice items of clothing we didn’t want anymore, swapped what we wanted, and donated the rest to Housing Works.

Also, my dad came to visit New York for the weekend! He split his visit between September and October, but I’ll share the September highlights here. First we went to see Kinky Boots on Broadway, a super-fun musical with great songs and a heartwarming message. Billy Porter has returned to play his Tony Award-winning role as Lola, and I haven’t seen an actor so perfectly suited for a role since Daveed Diggs in Hamilton. He was that good.

We also spent a lot of time uptown, hanging out at our favorite bars and restaurants in Harlem, visiting the Museum of the City of New York, and did a historical food tour with Taste Harlem. The tour in particular was awesome, the chicken and waffles from Red Rooster were rapturously good, and there was a hilarious little Australian boy on the tour named James who ran off everywhere, high-fived everyone, tried to befriend cops, and kept us all in stitches.

Challenges

A lot of things went wrong on my Europe trip. I didn’t expect that, and the challenges unfortunately ended up putting a damper on what was otherwise a very nice trip.

Minsk was a tough destination, as I wrote last month, but the most difficult part of all happened on September 1. I was planning to get to Vilnius by train, and one of my readers pointed out on Facebook that I was supposed to leave Minsk by air. Some nationalities including Americans are allowed to visit visa-free if they arrive by air and stay less than five days. That was my plan. I double-checked the official US international travel resource, travel.state.gov, and it said the same thing: arrive by air, stay less than five days. Then I checked the website for the Belarus embassy in the US and it said you had to arrive AND depart by air! Eek! Talk about a major oversight on travel.state.gov!

I found a flight to Vilnius for much later that day and booked it — thankfully, it only cost $60 and Uber exists in Minsk, so I could get a ride to the airport (the airport is WAY out of town). I actually found a cafe with wifi that didn’t require an SMS (!), so I was able to summon an Uber from there.

I am so thankful to my reader for pointing that out in the nick of time. You guys really are the best readers in the world, and part of that is because you saved me from a scary experience at the Belarus-Lithuania border!

As for other mishaps, one of my flights was cancelled in Vilnius, and my tour of Lahemaa National Park in Estonia was cancelled. I was not notified by email in either case, which irked me and wasted my time. These two incidents and having to book a late flight from Minsk meant that I lost a lot of time that I intended to spend exploring Kaunas in Lithuania and Lahemaa and Tartu in Estonia. I did not want to only visit the capital and leave. That disappointed me.

Arriving in Russia was a nightmare. Just read the post for the details. Next time I visit Russia, my passport is going to be pristine.

Finally, I dealt with anxiety during the end of my trip in Finland. I sometimes get hit with waves of of anxiety, usually brought on from stress while traveling. The first time was in Chiang Mai in 2015, when I suddenly felt so overwhelmed and suddenly doing easy things felt impossible. I even felt petrified of visiting a new restaurant. My anxiety never been quite that bad since, but it surfaces from time to time.

In Helsinki, I just felt like I was being pressured in every direction. So I did nothing. I walked around, I ate, I shoppedI met with my friend Eva. That was enough to make me feel like an overachiever. It was also pouring at Biblical levels, so I didn’t feel bad about not getting good photos.

The trains in New York have been AWFUL lately. One weekend I went to Brooklyn twice within a 24-hour period and spent about seven hours in transit total. SEVEN HOURS. To the next borough over. In other news, this is why I read as much as I do…

Most Popular Post

The Emotional Labor of Female Travel Bloggers — Required reading for both women and men.

Other Posts

How to Plan a German Christmas Market Trip — This is a trip that I think ever Europe lover should take

Visiting Russia Without a Visa on the St. Peter Line Ferry — The complete guide on how to take this unusual trip.

Vail, Colorado, Might Be Better in the Summer! — I had the best time hiking and enjoying the summer beauty!

In Kiev, a Stylish and Surprising City — Kiev was a lot of fun, even though my expectations weren’t high.

Most Popular Instagram Photo

Who knew Vilnius would get all the likes? This photo was taken in Užupis, a neighborhood in the old town that has declared itself a separate republic, not unlike Christiania in Copenhagen. For more live updates from my travels, follow me on Instagram at @adventurouskate.

What I Read This Month

Hell yes — I finally finished the Popsugar 2017 Reading Challenge! This is the second 52-book reading challenge I’ve done, and while I enjoyed it, I think it’s best an every-other-year undertaking. I went on to read several other books this month, making my tally 59 in 2017 so far.

Lately I’ve been laser-focused on reading the most noteworthy books published in 2017. By December, when all the best-of lists come out, I want to have an intimate knowledge of the best books of the year.

Pachinko by Min Jin Lee (2017) — This may be my favorite book of the year. It tells the story of four generations of a family in Korea that immigrated to Japan and all the hardships they faced. Before I read this book, I had no idea Koreans in Japan were treated so poorly. So much of this is directly analogous to how blacks were treated in the United States during Jim Crow, even though you couldn’t tell the difference between Koreans and Japanese — which really hammers home how much race is a social construct.

This novel is lush and detailed, immensely readable and easy to devour. It’s about family, and sacrifice, and destiny, but also social mobility. The characters are drawn vividly and the scenes are cinematic. I can see Sunja in the market in Osaka, struggling to sell kimchi, yelling, “Oishii!” until it all starts to click. I would love to see this become a film but I don’t have faith in Hollywood making a movie with all Asian characters.

Pachinko is now nominated for the National Book Award. If it wins, that will be two years in a row that the NBO winner was also my favorite book of the year (last year’s was Colson Whitehead’s The Underground Railroad).

A Most Wanted Man by John Le Carré (2008) — This was the final book for the reading challenge: an espionage novel. I had never read any of Le Carré’s popular spy novels, and frankly, I don’t think I will read any others. This book is very much a reflection of the post-9/11 years and the war on terror. But what bothered me the most was the overt sexism of the book.

The only primary female character, Annabel, is a passionate civil rights attorney doing everything she can to save her client, a Muslim refugee from Chechnya with a mysterious past — yet every single time she is mentioned, and every time she’s in a scene, there’s such a focus on her attractiveness, her attractiveness in spite of her lack of fashion sense (oh, thanks for throwing her a bone, Mr. Le Carré!), her romantic life, her sexuality, how apparently this 30-year-old lawyer is both attracted to the 20-year-old refugee and the 60-year-old banker. Come on. I’d love to read an espionage novel where a woman does her work, does it well, and is respected for it. Category: an espionage novel.

Wendy Darling, vol. 3: Shadow by Colleen Oakes (2017) — This is the final installment of my cousin Colleen’s YA series that tells a darker, more mature version of Peter Pan. In the first book, a teenage Wendy and her brothers soon learn that behind Peter Pan’s charisma is a manipulative, controlling, bloodthirsty villain. In the second book, Wendy makes unexpected allies and enemies. In this conclusion, she fights to save her brothers and all of Neverland — not with her body, but with her intelligence.

A lot of readers expected Wendy to come out wielding a sword in this book — but Colleen was insistent that Wendy did not need to be a warrior in order to be strong. Here’s what she wrote: “To me the best thing about being a woman is that you can be whoever the hell you want. You want to be a bad-ass, slicing your way through a kingdom? Fine. We have a need for the Dinahs, the Katniss Everdeens, and the Tris Priors of the world. But we should also be cautious about equating the worth of a character based on her physical, violent ability…A woman standing in front of Congress is as strong as a woman standing up to the bully of her child. A character can be sweet and kind and still be strong.”

I love that quote. The Wendy Darling series is my favorite of Colleen’s books so far (she’s seriously Picasso-level prolific as a writer!). I highly recommend picking it up. Start with the first book here.

Al Franken, Giant of the Senate by Al Franken (2017) — Oh ho ho, Senator Franken. I absolutely loved this book! After being elected to represent Minnesota in the Senate in 2008 by the closest margin in his state’s history, comedian Al Franken decided to turn the humor way down and focus on working hard for Minnesotans. After winning a second term and establishing himself as an effective Senator, he’s finally bringing the humor back in this new memoir.

Franken and I have very similar political views, and I most appreciated how deeply he detailed the obstruction of the GOP and showing why when people think it’s both parties that are the problem, it’s actually only one obstructing anything at any turn. But beyond that, I appreciated this book for its in-depth look at what the day-to-day of being a senator is actually like. And it is HILARIOUS, especially his entire chapter about Ted Cruz (as he says, he likes Ted Cruz more than most senators do, and he hates Ted Cruz). A lot of people are encouraging Franken to run for president, and I think he’d be great, but I actually appreciate having him as a senator — he gets so much done, and that might be the best use of his talents.

Bad Feminist: Essays by Roxane Gay (2014) — I first read Roxane Gay’s memoir Hunger this year and I fell in love with her writing — it was time to check out her bestselling essay collection. And WOW. I adored this book. The title comes from the fact that Gay tries to be as good a feminist as she can, but she knows she falls short in many ways, whether it’s that she loves misogynistic hip-hop or she sometimes fakes orgasms or even that she knows nothing about her car. But what does it even mean to be a good feminist? To just be a woman who doesn’t want to be treated like shit?

Gay’s writing is warm and friendly, and she writes from an intersectional perspective — she examines feminism through race, class, size, sexuality. I feel like she and I would be friends if we knew each other in real life (but I’m sure everyone who reads her thinks that as well). I especially enjoyed the essays she wrote about pop culture, on everything from The Hunger Games to Chris Brown to Django Unchained to competitive Scrabble.

Also worth mentioning? Gay said in an interview that her favorite book of the year was Min Jin Lee’s Pachinko as well!

The Worrier’s Guide to the End of the World by Torre DeRoche (2017) — My friend Torre’s first book, Love With a Chance of Drowning, was an uplifting story about falling in love with a handsome man and facing her fears to sail across the Pacific with him. Well. Not long after, her father became terminally ill, her boyfriend couldn’t handle it and broke up with her (and told her she never would have written a book without his help — I wanted to smack him when I heard that!), and her father passed away. Meanwhile, Torre was still doing publicity for Love and having to answer questions like, “So when are you two getting married?” How awful.

So she met a friend named Masha and decided to join her on two pilgrimages, one in Italy, one in India. They became like platonic soulmates as they traveled across countries on foot, having misadventures and trying to find meaning in facing your fears and moving on after loss, and trying to figure life out. I felt so hard for her throughout the book and laughed at their quirkier mishaps. This book was sweet and kind, and it really made me want to do a pilgrimage of my own. I’ve wanted to do the Camino de Santiago since long before the blog existed; I should really get to planning that!

The Incest Diary by Anonymous (2017) — This is not the kind of book I would ordinarily seek out, but it had a lot of buzz this year, so I decided to give it a look. This memoir is written by a published female author who is choosing to remain anonymous. Her father began sexually abusing her when she was a very young child, and the abuse continued through her young adulthood. What makes this book different is that the author wanted the abuse, and her father, as she became older.

This book was extremely difficult to read. That’s probably the most that I should say about it. As troubling and horrific as it was, I absolutely loved the author’s writing style and descriptions.

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng (2017) — I read Ng’s first novel, Everything I Never Told You, a few years ago, and got swept up into a tale of an interracial Chinese-American family living in suburban Ohio in the 1970s. The setting is similar, in the upscale town of Shaker Heights, Ohio, but the plot flips on its head — it tells the story of a perfect-seeming white family with four teenagers, the single mother and teenage daughter who move into their neighborhood, and how the characters become entwined. Then a local tries to adopt a Chinese-American baby under dubious circumstances and the trial and scandal tear the town and characters apart.

I loved this book, the characters, and the mythical setting of the perfectly planned community of Shaker Heights. My favorite thing about this book is that Ng showcased a character who is white and thinks she’s woke as hell (though the story takes place in the late 90s, not today), renting her duplex to people of color, donating to charity and people in need, protesting war, thinking she’s not racist at all — until it’s time to actually put herself on the line, and she fails people of color at every turn. It’s searing — and a worthwhile read.

What I Watched This Month

Jerry Seinfeld has a new special on Netflix called Jerry Before Seinfeld. It’s a comedy special that looks back at how Seinfeld began his stand-up career in the late 1970s. Back then, stand-up comedy was in its nascent stage.

I expected to laugh, but I didn’t expect to relate to it so much. Like Seinfeld, I launched a career for myself in a brand new creative field where most people didn’t believe it was possible to earn money. “You can get paid to blog about travel?” isn’t far off from “You can get paid to tell jokes?” At one point, he said, “If I earn enough money for a loaf of bread each week, I’ll be fine,” and that hit me hard — that was me in 2010 and 2011! Only it was, “All I need to make is $1000 a month and I’ll get by fine in Southeast Asia.”

If you enjoy this special, I highly recommend reading Born Standing Up by Steve Martin, a memoir of his stand-up years, which dovetails a lot with Seinfeld’s experience. Martin’s writing is not what you expect — it’s gentle, ethereal, exquisite. I consider Born Standing Up one of the best memoirs I’ve ever read and Seinfeld considers it one of the best books ever written about comedy and being a comedian.

Image: Ryan McKee

Coming Up in October 2017

I’m going to Tybee Island! Tybee is off the coast of Savannah and I’ve often pointed out that you can easily do a side trip to this getaway, but I’ve never done so myself. I’m excited to have three days to explore this island — and to have one last beach getaway before winter.

While Tybee did experience some flooding during Hurricane Irma, they are open for business and eager to welcome visitors!

Those are the only solid travel plans I have for the month. I do, however, plan on going crazy for HALLOWEEN! It’s my favorite holiday but I’ve missed the last several Halloweens, so I want to make up for it this year. I plan to visit multiple dog costume parades (Tomkins Square on the 21st and my neighborhood, Hamilton Heights, on the 28th), head upstate to the Great Jack-o-Lantern Blaze in Croton-on-Hudson, and I’d love to attend the legendary parade in the Village! My costume? I think it’s time to dress up as my childhood idol, Carmen Sandiego.

Any suggestions for Tybee — or Halloween in New York? Let me know!

via Travel Blogs http://ift.tt/2xPFOKf

[letterstochristopher]

Letters to Chris. April 19th. Day 11.

Hey Buddy,

Dad got home this evening with all your stuff. It’s hard to explain the emotions as I walked down the driveway to the trailer. Fear. Anxiety. Heartache. But also I was so ready to see your things. Things you held. Things you hung up on your walls and wore and slept with. Things that were YOURS. I quickly found your cowboy hat we bought you in South Dakota that you are wearing in one of my favorite childhood photos. The one of you in the cul de sac pretending to be a cowboy, getting ready to draw your fake gun. That’s coming with me.

I never thought I’d find myself looking for a dirty shirt of yours to wear. Ever. But that’s exactly what I did tonight. I just need a shirt that smells like you. What’s weird is everything smells like Febreze. I learned how you had quite the love affair with it (Katrina told me story of how you ran to Walmart for some groceries, and came out with a steak, two packages of Oreos, regular for you and double-stuffed for her, and Febreze. That’s probably the most Chris thing I’ve ever heard. PS…who doesn’t like Double-stuffed Oreos??). I found a few shirts to cuddle with out of your hamper: a camouflage henley, a flannel American Eagle shirt I gave you for Christmas one year (I was so damn happy to see you were still wearing it. Did you think of me whenever you put it on?), your Army PT shirt and a random green tshirt that was on top. I put on the green one for bed and didn’t pay attention to what was on the front until I looked into the bathroom mirror. Big letters across the front say “IRELAND 01.” I’ve been telling Clay since April 9th I thought you would like some ashes released in Ireland, where you always wanted to go since your father was Irish. But I wasn’t 100% sure, so yesterday I asked you to let me know. I believe this is your answer. So I’m taking you to Ireland with me, Little Bro. Mom saw the shirt and she smiled-she had given it to you on your birthday when you were home last month. And apparently you’re wearing it in a pic a friend of yours posted on Facebook. You have a ton of clothes. I think it’s pretty neat that I was able to find the one I gave you and this Ireland one. Even if they do all smell like Febreze and not you.

I’m also cuddling with your firefighter blanket right now. It’s absolutely massive and, from what I hear, one of your favorites. I’ll be sleeping with it, your shirts, your ACU cap that still has your name velcroed on it (so grateful the National Guard allowed us to keep your caps), your stuffed toy puppy you’ve had since childhood and your Coca Cola jacket you wore for work. There’s so much more down there. Dad was able to bring home most of your stuff (just some furniture that couldn’t fit was donated to a local church). I wanted to bring up entire boxes of things to surround myself with in bed. But I know Mom would have a really hard time with that. Before Dad got home, we had the following conversation:

Mom: “Hey, Jenn. I know when your dad gets home, you’re going to want to go through all of Chris’ stuff and take things. But I need you to know that I’m going to need organization. I just will. I can’t just go through his things and not have any order.”

Me: “But I’m going to want to keep some things.”

Mom: “I know. And you will. But I’m just telling you because I know it’s going to be hard for you not to tear through stuff. There are things I need to do. I want to wash his clothes for him. You kids always washed your own clothes, but I never minded doing it. It’s always been a way for me to take care of you all. I want to be able to wash your brother’s clothes. It’ll make me feel like I’m taking care of him.”

And then she started sobbing again, and Nikea and I wrapped our arms around her. She just seems so tiny now. I’m trying to make sure she’s eating. Mom’s always been good about taking care of herself. But she has lost weight, and I worry about her. I know the toll this is all taking on me, and I’m younger. She’s lost so many people, been through so much in her life. She’s a survivor. I know this, but i also know how awful grief and cortisol is on the body. I just need her and Dad to be okay. And obviously Nikea. But Nikea’s always been so tough, has always been more stoic than me. She’s so strong, and doesn’t cry in front of people often; she just has more control. She’s always mostly been a mad crier (the only times she’d cry when we were little is when we’d piss her off). But I’ve seen it a few times since I’ve been home, once because of something I wrote in here about you not being at her wedding. She walked into the dining room where I was sitting and said how she hadn’t even thought about her wedding next year. She’s been so focused on how to get through each day it hadn’t dawned on her that you wouldn’t be there. That realization hit her hard. 

And Dad. He’s the most stoic of us all. But I could tell the last four days have especially worn him down. No father should have to pack up his son’s apartment for this reason. As I was poking through your things (don’t tell Mom), he came down to make his rum and diet. “I told your mother I don’t normally drink this late. But tonight felt like a good night to make an exception.” I was grateful to have the company. I missed his strong quiet presence. We talked about you, obviously. About his trip, and all the incredible people who offered to lend helping hands. Your landlord cleaned up your apartment, boxed most of your stuff up and had it all stacked neatly waiting for Dad. Dad said this saved him an entire day’s worth of work. Your landlord also cleaned so Dad wouldn’t have to see reminders of Saturday night. I’m not sure what all he did, but I do know he removed your couch like I said before. That thought still makes me sick (honestly, I’m so surprised I haven’t been physically ill; I’ve been nauseous and dizzy so many times). Then your old supervisor’s wife came to help Dad load up the truck. Did you know your old Coca Cola buddies had a get-together for you? Of course Dad came, and they all shared stories about you. Mom and I called in and Dad put us on speakerphone, and I tried to thank them for everything. I couldn’t get the words out. I hate how I can’t control it. I’ll have to ask Dad what they talked about.

In your stuff, we also found your Harry Potter poster. The Half-Blood Prince. I remember it hanging it your room when you lived at home. Hey remember when Dad would read you Harry Potter before bedtime? You actually discovered Harry Potter before me. I watched it at Mom’s house in Nebraska one night…taking a chance on a movie I’d never seen before in 2002. I instantly fell in love and told you about it. That’s when you informed me there were four books out, and you were reading them. I was so excited. I remember reading to you on the bottom bunk of your bed one night, and trying to do the English accents. I remember like it was yesterday. It was fifth book, The Order of the Phoenix, and it was the part with the boggart and Mrs. Weasley. Remember, when Harry walked in on her trying to get rid of it and it kept transforming into her family’s dead bodies because she was so terrified of losing her loved ones? That’s fucking ironic. But regardless, I love that memory. My attempts at the English accents were I’m sure awful. You didn’t say anything until I asked, but you admitted you preferred I read without them. I was so disappointed. And hey, do you remember when you told me Sirius Black died before I finished Order of the Phoenix? I was so so mad at you.

The one thing I can’t stand is your gun being here. THE gun. The police released everything to Dad…your phone, your wallet, the glock…everything sealed neatly in evidence bags. Dad said he didn’t want to make any hasty decisions so took everything they gave him. I wonder if the clothes you were wearing are here, too. I doubt they would have given Dad those, actually. For obvious reasons. (I got so scared while unloading your couch pillows. I was praying I wouldn’t see anything on them…but then I saw a big sticky stain. I looked closer-I just had to. But I think it was food. Thank Jesus). But the gun. I hate it. I fucking hate it. That gun killed my baby brother. It took you away from us forever. Dad said that it wasn’t the glock that did it. It was you. And while know he’s right, I still hate it. Maybe if you didn’t have guns you would have tried another way. But then maybe they would have gotten to you in time. Or maybe you would have suffered. I guess it doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. You’re gone.

I talked to our real mom today (I always hate saying that-we have two real moms, but you know what I mean). She had left a message while I was sleeping, and she sounded so damn sad it scared me. I mean, I know she’s going to be sad. But now I’m so afraid for anyone who is battling depression, whether chronic or situational. She said she has been reading up on Reactive Attachment Disorder because of my first post, and I could just tell she was blaming herself. I called her back, and Mom and Nikea came into the room and we all talked on speakerphone. It was so good to speak with her. She was reminiscing about how you were such a sweet and sensitive little boy. I remember. And I know she, like me, wants nothing more than to go back, hold that little boy close and tell him everything will be okay. Back when you were CJ, wore your humongous glasses and loved to be read to every night. She has the biggest heart, and loves us all so much. I know you loved her, too. Guilt is a horrible thing, and you can beg someone to forgive themselves until you’re blue in the face, but ultimately it’s up to them. I just hope and pray she can realize that she, like you, is so worthy of love. That has always been our biggest struggle…yours, hers and mine. I also talked to Grandpa Ward and briefly to Jeanie. Grandpa was your biggest cheerleader. It was wonderful to hear his voice. I haven’t talked with him in so long. It’s crazy how time gets away from you, and before you realize it two years have passed since you spoke with someone. I promised him that would never happen again. If I’ve learned anything from you, it’s to value every second my loved ones spend on this earth. How easy is it for us to take each other’s presence for granted.  I am determined to make sure I have no more regrets when it comes to the people I love. I can’t go through this again.

On Saturday, Mom and Dad are driving up to Mexico to tell Bethany what happened. Even though she’s mentally handicapped, she understands the concept of death. Mom is scared she may hurt herself if she knows the whole story, so said she may just say you had cancer. I mean, you basically did. Mental illness eats away at you just like cancer, slowly killing you. So yeah. It works. I’m trying to decide if I can go with them, or if I should go to Sedalia and visit Grandma, Grandpa, Sue, Sayre and Sayre’s new baby. I haven’t seen Bethany since Christmas, but it’s going to be awful telling her our brother died. I don’t know what to do. I dread how she’s going to obsess over what happened. It’s been years, and she still brings up our dog, Toby, dying. I just know she’s going to keep signing “CJ died. CJ died. CJ died.” And I’ll tell her to stop, but she won’t. She just won’t understand that we won’t want to constantly talk about how you’re gone. I’ll just have to be patient, and understand she doesn’t want to hurt anyone by bringing it up nonstop. I just have such a low frustration tolerance right now.

I’m still angry with you. I don’t know when that’s going to go away. I know it’s a stage of grief, and I’m assuming it’s more pronounced in this kind of situation. I’ve been reading how suicide survivors experience an extreme number of difficult emotions trying to make sense of their loved one’s actions. The book I’m reading now is helping shed light on it. But there’s not a lot out there on this. It’s a difficult subject to talk about. Who wants to discuss suicide? But it HAS to be talked about. People always talk about breast cancer. They have fundraisers for it. What about what killed you and thousands upon thousands of others every year? Why doesn’t society talk more about that? What happens to the families after. What they feel. The devastation. The confusion and anger. The guilt. It’s eating me up inside. The unrelenting brutal heartache of knowing you were sitting at home thinking about things that tore you apart. The constant questioning. I keep telling myself you weren’t miserable all the time. You had moments of happiness. But it wasn’t enough.

Do you know what’s really cool, though? We’ve had several of your friends reach out. I just want to hug all of them. They loved you and miss you, and I don’t know if they realize how much they help with their sweet words about you. Man, you were loved. Did you know? But now I’m asking myself if you really loved ME. You didn’t talk to me about so many things. You would say you were struggling, but wouldn’t give me specifics. In every text that I said “I love you,” you didn’t repeat it. I just can’t stop wondering now. Did you love me? Did you?? I know I had forgotten your birthday…I was so focused on trying to solve what was going on with my health, all the while trying to find jobs and move out of our friends’ basement, that I literally have been battling my own fears and major depression this past year. I don’t forget birthdays. And yours AND Dad’s slipped my mind. That’s never happened before. But now I can’t forgive myself. I just can’t. I know that’s not why you did it. But I still hate myself for it. I’m so sorry, Chris. I just need to know that you love me and forgive me. Please.

Love you, Buddy. Now and always. I’m so sorry.

[kuciradio]

SXSW - Madame Gandhi Interview

Interview and photos by Shay Mehr

SM: So recently I feel like you’ve been pretty busy. Could you just tell us a little a bit about what you’ve been doing? Maybe just gives us highlights or something like that?

MG: Totally, I always say that my mission is to elevate and celebrate the female voice so therefore anything I can do that can achieve that I’ll do it. And so, that can mean giving a talk, it can mean meeting with young girls, it can mean giving a show. And I think right now under the Trump administration the female voice has been quieted more so than it has in a very long time. And so, that given just enormous meaning to my work therefore keeping me very busy so recently I've spoken with some girls at Girl Up, which is a foundation, a UN foundation. I did that in LA. I mean every day there’s something. Last week I did a did a big fundraiser in Los Angeles called Bleeding where I had DJs perform all night and then I gave anyone came to the dance party the option to pay 10 dollars or to donate menstrual products at the door and we took all that money and those products and then donated them to homeless women on skid row in Los Angeles who live down the street. Those are the kinds of examples of some of the events that I'm doing.

SM: Yeah I just noticed so much different stuff I saw, all those on your Facebook feed as well. So, I was thinking you must be running around everywhere.

MG: I think I feel lucky because I'm really just living- every moment I'm living my life's passion. You know, I really that feel that way so then it ends serving as the fuel for my work I think it's you have to run around and do stuff that you don't want to be doing you'll eventually stop because you'll run out of fuel. But I think what I tell others is that my job isn’t to get you to play the drums or to you know be a leader in feminist activism, my job is just to get you to find whatever it is that you do to use that to mobilize to make the world a better place.

SM: So, speaking of the feminism stuff basically you're pretty well known as the free bleeding London marathon runner and I saw you speak at the UC radio network and you talked how people don't always place…you should be careful about when you speak when you speak to people about their identity right because they don't always place gender as the top thing. For you I don’t know...I want to know first of all if you do place gender as your first identifying thing.

MG: I do absolutely, absolutely.

SM: And then what kind of sparked you to be begin being such like a fierce feminist?

MG: It's just been in my bones since I was a kid, you know? It usually I was I think pop culture was really what was. For me I noticed that as a kid I was most influenced in and my gender roles were most shaped by Disney films, by Spice Girls, by the Power Rangers truly. And so, when I started a kid not really vibing with the options in pop culture that were available to girls that’s when I sort of intuitively knew something was wrong. I thought it was really unfair that, for example, that Aladdin gets to be on the magic carpet and flying around saving everybody, but then Jasmine, even though she's a princess, is the one who needs saving. She rarely had her own agency. Or even in the Power Rangers it's the same thing how the boys tended to be the leaders of the girls. You know the plot line for the girls was often about their breaks up and how sad they were. So, it's like as a kid I didn't relate to that. I thought where are those strong female characters that I see my mom I see now I knew so many bad ass woman just as young kid that are not reflected in pop culture. And so even though I wasn't able to quite explain it like that as a kid I knew something was up. I remember even being on a tennis court as like a 6-year-old with a bunch of boys and kind of getting pushed around or they would call girly as an insult. Wow being a girl is like a good thing and I used to say the word feminism and I remember like being on a tennis court once just screaming feminism like I sort of knew what it meant. I knew it was gender equality so that's how.

SM: That's incredibly intuitive and conscious for a young person I would say.

MG: My parents are very woke.

SM: I imagine so because that's pretty conscious for anyone... I don't know... under ten for sure. Whatever generation you are, maybe ten years old now are more woke but I think –uh- for us that's pretty conscious. Anyways so what got you interested in drums then? How did you pick up drums?

MG: I had already been doing other things like singing and playing piano but I was like around 8-9 years old I went to a summer camp for sports, it was in Maine, but every option the counselors knew forced the campers to do a lake activity and I really didn't like swimming, I didn’t like being in the water, I didn’t like kayaking all that stuff at the time. I remember sneaking away to the theater cabin and when I got into the theater cabin I was just trying to hide for the rest of the afternoon, I saw a drum set there and it really inspired me so I sat at it and I started kind playing around and then was a maintenance man in the uh theater cabin and I thought he was going turn me in for sure and force me to go swimming but it turned out that he was a drummer and so he started teaching me how to play drums it was so cool. So, every day that summer I just got to hang out with him and learning how to play and I got better at it really fast. I think the things that attracted me to it were the fact that it's just rare to see anyone playing the drums let along a girl. I definitely liked the fact that it felt rebellious, that it felt like very girl power. I also loved the fact that it was more self-expressive than a melodic instrument, at least the way I was taught melodic instruments. Usually as a kid you're like taught how to play a song and if you haven't learned the song perfectly, you hit one note it’s wrong. Whereas with the drums you hit the left cymbal versus the right cymbal, you play the fill on these two toms versus those two toms no one’s going say anything you know. You can use self-expression how you want to play a lot of times and I really love those elements of it. My parents were really encouraging I stayed with it.

SM: Yeah I had to learn piano like most children and I always hated that I had to play someone else's stuff.

MG: Exactly we're not taught how to express ourselves.

SM: Yeah and it's just less fun for whatever reason, not always but a lot of the time.

MG: Well right now I'm learning again the piano. I wish, I would have loved it if I was taught the basics then go ahead and form my own self-expression as opposed to just regurgitating everybody else.

SM: Which is totally not the case everyone learns classic pieces and note by note as you said. As a female musician, have you faced any obstacles that are blatant to you that you notice and do you think those things are things that can be remedied as well are they exclusive to the music industry?

MG: I think there’s definitely misogyny. One interesting thing that I notice is that if I dress particularly more fem people tend to immediately take you less seriously. It's just so problematic. Like I remember doing a DJ set in Germany and they really wanted me to … they gave me a couple of clothing options and there was this one cool dress that came with a jacket and I rarely wear dresses but I wore the dress and so interesting I could just feel the vibe immediately people don’t take me seriously or they have really low expectations they just kind of think it's not really going to go that well. Whereas when I present more androgynously or the clothing that I wear is more comfortable, or more playful, or more artful and not necessarily fem in the very traditional context I tend to get taken a lot more seriously or at least I start from a higher platform and I think that's so unfair. I think if I've already picked up on that which is why… and luckily I tend to pick more interesting clothing which tends to not be very cookie cutter but I think it's unfair for those women who do what to express themselves in a very fem traditionally fem way that they're going to have a much more uphill battle than the rest of us because the norm is set by men.

So, I think one way is making sure that we dress comfortably for the stage and if that means wearing a dress then we go in anticipating the fact that maybe others can't take us as seriously and we have to be ready for that.

I think the other thing that we all could do is check our own inherent biases when we watch other people play whether they're men or women giving them a fair equal shot. I think there's been subtler sexism throughout my life someone not thinking that I know how to operate my own drums or people thinking that it's okay to make suggestions when I'm about to sound check as to like you know which cymbal I should use or which pedal I should use and it's like you wouldn't be going kind of guy musician regardless whether it’s a famous person like John Mayer or a random musician and telling them what to select for their own show. You know you wouldn't think that's it even okay to make that suggestion unless asked. Whereas I think with women people do think that’s welcome. So, I think those are some examples of subtle sexism that's frustrating and tend to distract you from just playing a great show.

SM: That's interesting that you said the DJ set provided you clothing. Did they do that for the men?

MG: Oh, actually I think they do. It was a just a cool thing because it was for Adidas.

SM: Oh, okay okay. I was like that's so weird.

MG: No, it was a wonderful thing and I was very grateful for my wonderful clothing, I chose that outfit there was tons of more sport clothing and I chose that outfit. That wasn’t bad at all, it was more of a social experiment. It wasn’t it my best set... uhm, neither but I could definitely feel the difference of me like jumping around performing in a dress. I could just feel the eyes on me are perceived differently than when I dress more masculine.

SM: Stephan and I notice that all the time with anyone we go out and see. A lot of the guys can look pretty just shabby and it's not a problem… and anyway …and it doesn't affect women’s perceptions of them as far as glorifying them iconically or their musical ability, neither thing. Okay so I'm really curious as to specifically what you hope to achieve with your music. And kind of wanted to talk to you a bit about the process that you go through. Because I know you keep things pretty simple and I kind of want to know the reasoning behind all that and how you get to those tracks you have out.

MG: My goal for my music is to write the sound track for a modern feminist movement. And my process is simple for the very reasons that the music that you hear are the skill sets that I have, the ability to sing, play the drums, and make electronic sounds and that's it. You know? I think I like the idea of the drums and vocals leading because those are how I have always articulated myself. And then I like that idea of working with people like my sound designer Alexia to create really unique sounds that can't be copied or mimicked because they're designed in the studio and that inspires me. I think some of the best artists just have this unique sound imprint where you could listen to any random song and you know it's just them because it has personality. So, in making strong choices that are simply based on your own capabilities that's how you guarantee that your music has original personality.

SM: So, that makes sense because I was wondering why-because I know other artists like Beyoncé will sample like big feminist speeches so I was curious as to why you hadn't gone that route, but that totally makes sense where it's pretty much self-expression having your own blue print doing things with the skills you have yourself. Right?

MG: I'm the one giving the speeches you know? In my shows, sometimes we'll sample other people for sure. But the actual music itself I think it would cheating to do that. I keep giving everybody advice to own their voice so I have to take my own advice and own my own voice, share my own perspective, contribute to the conversation.

SM: What does the future is female mean to you and what fulfills you?

MG: I'll answer the last question first, what fulfills me is when I have basic challenge for myself and I'm able to meet it. So, with my running if it’s setting a certain mileage. With my work stream, you know literally being like, “can you get through these ten emails?” If it's with teaching myself a new skill set musically, being able to achieve that skill set, like DJing. So, I think for me what motivates me and makes me feel fulfilled is when I set a challenge and achieve it. I think it's also about self-love, you know when we honor our own promises to ourselves, we build self-confidence we build self-trust we build self-love, which I think is a lot of work.

And then the future is female means that no longer will female qualities be subordinated to male qualities. The future is female means that we learn from the female archetype for our very survival. Develop alternative sources of leadership we right now learn so much from the men in our life but we have gone so far up the masculine hyper machismo spectrum when we look at Trump leadership, which is about brute force, not listening, ramming something through. Proving power with might and force as opposed to proving power by listening, by coming up with emotionally intelligent solutions by negotiating with respect. By trying to unlock value for both parties as opposed to just for one. And so, to me the future is female means that we look to the women in our life and their qualities and say how can we actually use those to build a brighter future.

[tinyreverie]

Implementing Minimalism!

I have done so much since the last post!! My new thing is decluttering. I am trying to downsize by 80-90%, which is actually a TON of work. Going through and trashing everything /sounds/ easy, but it's actually really physically exhausting. I think I'm finally building up my back muscles though! 💪 So... a list of things I am working on/ have done: 1. I finally read the book about the "konmari method" of decluttering and found it pretty inspiring! I've actually pretty much followed those rules without meaning to (no wonder people kept recommending that book to me!), but in the past, I'd just chuck things if I didn't use them, joy-bringing or not, which made me sad until I forgot about it. Now, it's about bringing joy into my life in everything I own. For example, I found a vintage muffin pan at a used bookstore today. Looking at it just makes me smile!Now, I'm free to get rid of my nasty old ones and the bad memories of the giver with them. :) 2. I am working on minimizing my spice collection. I already downsized, but holy Jesus I do not need to have a basket overflowing with spices. I cook for TWO-- really, ONE now with Damion off trucking, not 12. I was having trouble picking the ones I would keep, so I picked an arbitrary number of spices I would allow myself. So, I picked 10, not including salt/pepper. Then, I asked Damion to choose the 10... because I got all, "ohhh!! Curry!! I love Indian food!! Remember that one time I had... " etc, so I was just unable to make a rational decision. He picked: *garlic salt *lemon pepper *parsley *basil *oregano *nutmeg *paprika *cinnamon *cloves *ginger I felt that this list was pretty comprehensive, so I went out and bought little magnetic tins for those suckers ($3 a piece!!) so that in the tiny house I can stick them on a strip or the fridge. For now, they will live in the junk drawer (once I eliminate it:)). 3. I started a secret garden:3 but, what's new about my gardening philosophy is that I'm only growing the stuff I'll actually use (other than my flowers:>). Most of my space is in part shade, so I'm mostly doing herbs: basil, parsley... Basically, my goal is to get everything on the herb list above growing! I also got mint and chamomile cause I love those teas. 😍 I did run into a problem here though: while in the herb section, I found rosemary and cilantro. :/ I started remembering how delicious they are, and how we do use them frequently. Then, I saw lavender, which is my herb weakness. It just smells soooo good, and the flowers are so pretty! I don't use it though, which makes it a "clutter" purchase... and that freaked me out so bad, I put back my rosemary and cilantro too and left that area immediately! They are mentally "on hold" until I have decided what to do. I know I probably won't get the lavender (until I can find a legit reason to justify it), but idk if I'll add the two useful herbs to my 10 (making 12 total) or if I'll cut off paprika and some other spice. But, chiliiiii!! And, damion didn't even list chilli pepper already! I really suck at minimizing spices, obviously. The $3/ magnetic spice tin cost does help motivate me a little, though. :) 4. I have started downsizing, so my house is easier to clean. Above all, I am a lazy person. Less dishes = less doing dishes, so I tossed them all and am now using two each of my inheritance plates, bowls and serving bowls (also used as mixing bowls). I think of my wonderful grandma, RIP, each time I see them now, and so eating gives me the feels 💖 I think about her almost every day now and it makes me happy. :> I downgraded Damion's and my clothing (Damion participated via Skype). I already had downsized into about... 3/4 large drawers with no hanging items, but they were crammed in. I thought I was done, but then I had a thought: "Katrina. You are lazy. It's going to suck when you inevitably put off your laundry and have to do it all at once!" ... So, I posted a question in the minimalist group I'm a part of and decided on 3/4 loads of laundry total. That's the most laundry in a row I am willing to do, including sheets and pillowcases, towels and washcloths. So, I got rid of everything else. :> I went through my clothes konmari style and eliminated, motivated by easier cleaning. Dammit, I want to be the type of person who washes their sheets every week! So, I got rid of stuff, separating it into selling (via consignment), donate and trash piles. I downsized to a roughly 2 week supply of stuff. Together, including linens, I only have 3.5 loads of laundry:D! Perfect for lazy Katrina, especially with my mother in law's awesome fancy big wash machine;) I now have: Linens: *8 washcloths, for face washing and exfoliation. *1 microfiber cloth, in danger of being tossed, because I HATE the texture of microfiber but appreciate its usefulness *3 towels: 1 hugeeee, and the two softest towels *1 set of fitted/flat sheets, because I won't wash them if I have more than one. *8 pillowcases: 4 normal, gray everyday pillowcases and 2 normal blue ones, for if I had a guest, idk. Plus 2 purty ones. What can I say? They bring me joy. Typing this though, maybe I should downsize more though, 8 is a bit excessive for 2 people with 4 pillows 😂 Clothing: I'll have to post about later, because my method is so involved. But, basically, everything I have matches everything else. It's all color theory and flattering fits. I plan to have excessive amounts of undies, though, because I like to change them a lot :> But, I'm only keeping 4 bras. 1 t-shirt bra, 1 convertible fancy schmancy bra, 1 sessy sessy bra ;D and 1 sports bra comfy bra thing. I love bras, but I always default to two or three anyway. My "color scheme" thing for my undies (ONLY undies, my outside clothes have a much more defined pallet) is that my bras are pretty plain/neutral, but I can get whatever panties in whatever color I want. :3 So, I am still free to indulge my love of undies and still have order :3 Last thing on implementing minimalism: I am in progress of minimizing my cleaning supply collection. I realllllly want to be earth friendly, but my cleaning stuff does not reflect that. It's all super harsh chemicals, because in the past, I was messy. I AM messy, but now my house is halfway optimized for cleaning, so it's a LOT easier for messy Katrina to keep my (her? Lol) house not clean, but within-30-minutes-of-non-rushed-cleaning clean. :D Anyways, before I had to have the harsh stuff because when I cleaned, I REALLY felt that bleach/ harsh chemicals were necessary in order to make up for the month and a half of no cleaning (wish I were joking 😂). Now that my house is easier to clean, I don't need those crazy chemicals. Except bleach, because after all, I do own chickens. I'm looking into doing my own cleaning supplies mostly: nothing crazy or complicated (I still have to cater toward lazy Katrina), but just things like vinegar, hydrogen peroxide, baking soda... etc. I still have to come up with eco friendly replacements for two things though: disinfectant wipes and the toilet wand... thingy. For the disinfectant wipes, I know that I could make my own, but it does make more laundry, and more laundry lowers the success rate of keeping my house clean. Plus, how would I keep the rags secured in sanitizing fluid without it disintegrating the rags? Or does a regular, non-bleach formula not do that? No idea. Also, I'll need to figure out how many wipes I need for a two week period, which will be tough, because I don't clean every day consistently. The toilet wand solution is harder for me though, so input would be much appreciated. I CANNOT stand the normal toilet scrubber thingies. They just don't seem sanitary, even if you keep them in cleaning liquid. Plus, they just inspire me to use copious, embarrassing amounts of straight bleach in order to sanitize, which defeats the eco friendly purpose anyway. Anyway, I discovered those toilet wands about a year ago and I haven't gone back! The wands detach from the scrubby pad, and you toss the scrubby in the trash can (because the flushable wipes suck for hard cleaning), and that's IT. You keep the nice, clean wand and get another the next time. These are also really convenient (new xD) for scrubbing my bath tub, I have discovered recently. No ridiculous hand scrubber and bleach everywhere, just this presoaked scrubber that gets everything up. It doesn't even have a chance to hurt my back, it's so fast!! Obviously, though, this is hugely irresponsible for the earth, even if they are disgusting. :( I have come up with an idea to somehow get a reusable sponge attached to the end of one of those sticks, and dropping them immediately in some dirty cleaning items container (cause they would have to be separate from clothing/linens, other than possibly disinfectant wipes) so that they could later be sanitized. But, that sounds like a lot of work, and I already hate sponges. I threw mine away in favor of those ikea scrubbing brushes :> anyway, the only way I can think to impliment this idea is to use the scrubbing bubbles version of the wand (I have both already), which has a tong-like opening for its pads. But, I don't really care for that wand. The clorox one if much more ergonomic and very sturdy, which is critical for seldom-cleaning Katrina. Also, if I'm going to have to sanitize them anyway, doesn't that defeat the whole "earth friendly" purpose? Or, could I boil them, or would that ruin the material of both the disinfectant rags / scrubbers? And, the biggest question: would I actually do it? So, yeah, basically, I need a separable toilet cleaning brush, with an ergonomic handle and a sturdy brush-to-wand attachment, with a viable, super easy way of sanitizing the brush/scrubby bit, preferably something that could be done with the disinfectant wipes too at the same time. Is that too much to ask? XD I really would love to hear suggestions though. Anyway, that's basically where I'm at right now in minimizing. I'll leave you with something a Minimalism group member said to me, to address my regrets at filling the landfills with my unused junk: either way, the earth suffers. Keeping items you don't want/need in your house doesn't save them. The only solution is being mindful about what you buy and what you support to begin with. 🌎🌳💚 This quote has helped me tremendously, as I was pretty much unknowingly using my earth-friendly side to justify holding onto items that really needed to move on. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, thank you and good night! 😘

[theonyxpath]

Gag! Choke!

Yes, the They Came From Beyond the Grave! Kickstarter funded last week, and we’re all really thrilled that it will be over-printed to get copies in stores and that now it can start building some extra projects thanks to the generosity of our backers.

Thanks, folks!

With three weeks left to run, we figure that with good word of mouth we’ll be able to open up a good solid handful of monsters for the Monsters From the Crypt book we’re building with Stretch Goals, as well as more projects we haven’t yet revealed.

So, spreading the word if it looks cool to you is important – please do it if you get the chance!

But if support trickles in rather than gushes – that’s OK, too! What we want with our new games is enough support in terms of backers so that the Kickstarter lives up to its name. A little kick that gets the final book into stores and the hands of folks who will play it, or a great big kick into even more of both are both excellent outcomes. One is just more biggerer and means we’ve got a larger base group to start with.

Having had both in the forty-some KSs we’ve run, there are challenges to either situation. A lot of biggerer KSs, for us and for a lot of other TTRPG companies, wind up being logistically hard to handle because no one involved is truly ready for how problems multiply at 4,000+ backers.

But littler KSs can sometimes not make enough to cover the costs if printing or shipping suddenly goes up. We’ve been lucky in that we never had a KS that actually ran at a loss, but it has been close! So, challenges for both, like I said.

Finally, in talking about They Came From Beyond the Grave!, I just wanted to give you some first-hand thoughts about our game that was played at our Onyx Path Virtual Gaming Con a month-ish ago.

First, here’s the link to our Actual Play on our YouTube channel: https://youtu.be/qLEFXntIa3g

If you’re not into watching an hour-plus of a gang of gamers explore a creepy old house in the 1970s, or at least roleplay doing that as we sit in little windows, I’m told that the Onyx Pathcast on Friday, August 7th will contain an audio presentation of this gaming session.

I really was looking forward to playing this. It was my third game in three days, which is the most TTRPG playing in that amount of time that I’ve done for years. But, I went into it knowing I’d be playing a Professor, and one that had been a bit messed up by the secrets he had uncovered through his career. So, I figured he’d be a natural for shouting out lines and Quips, which would make diving into a new game much easier.

In fact, I’d just been in a game that weekend with Dixie, but I’d never had Matthew as a GM, and didn’t know Ian or B. Dave. Fortunately, once again the weird Professor role allowed me to do my thing while getting used to how they played their characters – and if you watch the Actual Play, you can see that Ian worked up to his character a bit, as he had a dark secret or two, while B. Dave went all-in from the start.

Which was a delight, and allowed Dixie and I to work out some banter and methodology for how our characters worked together: she was hip and driven, and I was weird. Our time partnered up even gave me a chance to come up with pseudo-scientific catch-phrases in addition to the Quips Matthew provided!

V5 Let the Streets Run Red art by Ken Meyer, Jr

Here’s Dixie, with some thoughts about the game:

“I love how it does camp along with actual horror, and the cinematics like costume change and dramatic meteorology make for amazing scene changes. I had so much fun watching B. Dave’s character and also getting lost in the red room and drenched in blood was a highlight.”

Speaking of costuming, I really think this game could be a fantastic opportunity to wear both 60s/70s and kinda Victorian clothes while playing. And the “costume change” cinematic card did come in handy for us after getting soaked in blood up to our waists, as Dixie and I used the card so that as we entered the room where the other characters waited, we were in two totally different, but non-blood soaked ensembles!

For myself, I did adopt one bit of costume: round tinted glasses. In the webcam, no one could easily see my eyes, which was really interesting and helped me keep a little mystery going along with the weird science stuff. In my mind, I was modeling myself on the dark glasses-wearing Quincy Harker from the old Tomb of Dracula comic by Marv Wolfman and Gene Colan. It must have worked too, because at one point Dixie wondered if the glasses were because I actually was a vampire or at least a ghoul.

Which was a great example of how just one bit of costuming or prop can create a whole different set of reactions while we’re playing.

System-wise, everything flowed really easily and intuitively and the added system elements like Quips and Cinematics made sense where they fit into the base Storypath System.

By the time we realized that we needed to head towards the episode’s denouement, it was obvious that the four of us could have played these characters locked in a broom closet and still have come up with tons of fun roleplay, so it was very smart of Matthew to move us towards the big reveal or we probably would still be playing and have only gotten through half the mansion (and plot).

And a satisfying ending it was, too. Everybody got to do their characterful things, and Matthew got to give us the big reveal (no, I’m not going to tell you. You gotta check it out!). Some fiery atmospherics, and we were out in the murder mansion’s driveway again, battered but maybe a tad wiser. Maybe. And with clues towards a larger menace to face in the future!

Here’s Matthew’s takeaway of the session:

“They Came From (in both its iterations) is always a joy to run, with players and audiences alike responding well to its combination of madcap laughs, hammy acting, and fun, gameplay and narrative altering mechanics. I really couldn’t have asked for a better group to show the game off at Onyx Path Virtual Gaming Convention, with Ian, Rich, and Dixie each adding their own creative flair to their characters, while B. Dave Walters stole the show with his smoooooth P.I., using the Raconteur Archetype.

One thing that stands out most to me from that session, is how differently it played to the session I ran for Red Moon Roleplaying (the third episode of which they’re uploading tomorrow!). Both games were great fun, but struck a different tone and style, and I think that speaks to the flexibility of the game and the characteristics the players brought to each game. Both are great fun and contain a lot of laughs, so please check them out!”

Nuff said! Please give it a look-see!

Titanomachy art by Felipe Gaona

What Did We Talk About At Today’s Meeting?

Thanks for asking!

For World of Darkness fans, it’s the return of the Dog Days of Summer Sale at IPR. From July 30th to August 31st, all Vampire 20th Anniversary deluxe books, screens, and dice are 50% off! And so are select Werewolf 20th and Wraith 20th deluxe books and screens! Exclusively at Indie Press Revolution!

In our ongoing efforts to try and connect gaming with helping out our communities during this tough period, a good number of the Twitch games running on our channel this week will donate proceeds to various charities including RAINN, the US’s largest anti-sexual violence organization; The Trevor Project, the national 24-hour, toll free confidential suicide hotline for LGBTQ youth; the Transgender Law Center, the largest national trans-led organization advocating self-determination for all people; and The Bail Project, a national nonprofit organization that provides free bail assistance and pretrial support to thousands of low-income people every year.

If you have a chance, you can enjoy watching some great gaming and elect to contribute to some worthwhile causes.

Yugman‘s art by Shen Fei

As a reminder, as I think I mentioned this last week, we’re doing our annual Gen Con “What’s Up With the Onyx Path?” panel virtually this year at Gen Con Online. Join Dixie, Eddy, Danielle Lauzon, maybe Matthew if the trans-Atlantic timing works out, and myself as we discuss just what we’re doin’ these days, dontcha know!

Finally, as I’ve gone on about pretty much since the pandemic started, we’re looking at more and more ways to enable folks to play our games virtually. This week we have a Virtual Table Top “encounter pack” going on sale at DTRPG that is usable for your VTT playing: Hunt for the Red Widow, a short encounter designed starting Talents in the Trinity Continuum Core setting.

It has the storyline written up, character tokens for the antagonists, maps, and some new powers, all the pieces needed to play through chasing down the Red Widow and her minions after their theft of a valuable artifact hidden by the Aeon Society. It’s designed to be easily fit into your virtual gaming, and just as easily into face-to-face gaming, too!

Give it a run through and let us know what you think! After all, we need to hear from you as to which of the many projects we’re getting out there work for you, so that we can create more ways to explore our:

Many Worlds, One Path!

Blurbs!

Kickstarter!

The They Came From Beyond the Grave! Kickstarter funded last week, and as it finishes its first full week we have opened up (like a crypt!) the Screen and the first section of Monsters from the Crypt: a book containing More Monsters! Next up in Stretch Goals are the T-Shirt and even More Monsters!

Thanks to all of you who have pledged to enable this fantastic project and its Stretch Goals!

Here’s a specially-made special trailer by the brilliant Larry Blamire:

And keep your eyes open for:

Onyx Path Media!

This week: Scion Status Update Roundtable featuring the affable Neall Raemonn Price!

As always, this Friday’s Onyx Pathcast will be on Podbean or your favorite podcast venue! https://onyxpathcast.podbean.com/

With They Came from Beyond the Grave! haunting Kickstarter, let’s take a look at some of the media related to that game!

Over on twitch.tv/theonyxpath, Vorpal Tales are running their first campaign of They Came from Beyond the Grave! This follows their fantastic They Came from Beneath the Sea! campaign, and I really think you should check it out! Their YouTube channel has episode one right here: https://youtu.be/Q6na0WHTfjo

Meanwhile, over on YouTube, our friends at Red Moon Roleplaying have started their own They Came from Beyond the Grave! story, with their usual excellent editing, quality, and in this case, a lovely cast of players led by Director, Matthew Dawkins! Come join in and listen to the Cult of Abaddon at play: https://youtu.be/RDYzNbk7VkQ

Also on YouTube, Larry Blamire’s hilarious trailer for They Came from Beyond the Grave! has dropped and is there for your viewing pleasure. It’s a testament to the kinds of stories you can tell using this game: https://youtu.be/NP65PlAw7mI

And finally, also on YouTube, in case you missed it we have the actual play of They Came from Beyond the Grave! that Matthew ran for Rich Thomas, Ian Muller, Dixie Cochran, and B. Dave Walters. Dare you enter Karnstein Manor? https://youtu.be/qLEFXntIa3g

This week on Twitch, expect to see a whole heap of games, including a lot of games we’re running for charity!:

Scarred Lands – RAINN

RPG Chaos, with Danielle Lauzon – Transgender Law Center

Cavaliers of Mars, with Vorpal Tales – The Trevor Project

They Came from Beneath the Sea!, with Ravyn Evermore – The Trevor Project

V5, with Gehenna Gaming – RAINN

They Came from Beyond the Grave! – The Bail Project

They Came from Beneath the Sea!, with PolishedCryptid – The Trevor Project

Changeling: The Dreaming – The Last Faerie Tale

Mage: The Awakening – Occultists Anonymous

Exalted Essence, with Monica Speca – Transgender Law Center

Scarred Lands – Purge of the Serpentholds

Chronicles of Darkness – Tooth & Claw

Get watching for some fantastic insight into how to run these wonderful games and subscribe to us on Twitch, over at twitch.tv/theonyxpath

Come take a look at our YouTube channel, youtube.com/user/theonyxpath, where you can find a whole load of videos of actual plays, dissections of our games, and more, including:

Storytellers with Coffee: Technocracy Reloaded – https://youtu.be/hb44inqafmE

Changeling: The Lost – Littlebrook Reunion Episode 23 – https://youtu.be/-O-74ePyQC4

(Matthew’s favourite) Scarred Lands – Purge of the Serpentholds Episode 8 – https://youtu.be/PFBYHw5TqoM

Deviant: The Renegades – A Cautionary Tale – Session Zero – https://youtu.be/5u9haYcXHa8

Storytellers with Coffee – Changeling: The Lost and Other Games – https://youtu.be/K7STCgIi8RY

Storytellers with Coffee – The Games of Onyx Path – https://youtu.be/QxRRq-WQytg

Subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon if you want to be notified whenever new news videos and uploads come online!

The ExaltCast continues with its superb breakdown of Exalted, hosted by Monica Speca and Exalted Writer Chazz Kellner. Check out their array of episodes (the show’s only just started!) over at http://www.exaltcast.com/

Our very own Chris Allen continues his chronicle of Werewolf: The Forsaken here and on Twitch: https://youtu.be/FyghldnRGPM

Please check these out and let us know if you find or produce any actual plays of our games! We’d love to feature you!

Electronic Gaming!

As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is awesome! (Seriously, you need to roll 100 dice for Exalted? This app has you covered.)

We’re told that the App Dev is currently creating an updated version for the latest devices, so keep an eye open for those!

Virtual TableTop!

This Weds, we are releasing a Virtual Tabletop encounter pack for the Trinity Continuum Core: Hunt for the Red Widow on DTRPG!

Hunt for the Red Widow is a short encounter designed starting Talents in the Trinity Continuum Core setting. When a renowned but mysterious thief known as The Red Widow steals an ancient artifact from the Æon Society’s vaults, it is up to the party to track her down and recover the device. She is heading to an old ruin said to unlock the artifact’s true power. Can the heroes reach her in time?

Inside you’ll find:

A short encounter for use with the Trinity Continuum Corebook

Two new antagonists: The Red Widow, and her minions, known simply as “Ghosts.” Virtual tabletop tokens are included to represent the antagonists

Two maps, ready to be uploaded into your virtual tabletop platform of choice

New Anomaly Powers.

On Amazon and Barnes & Noble!

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue from which you bought it. Reviews really, really help us get folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these latest fiction books:

Our Sales Partners!

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire and Monarchies of Mau out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there! https://studio2publishing.com/search?q=pugmire

We’ve added Prince’s Gambit to our Studio2 catalog: https://studio2publishing.com/products/prince-s-gambit-card-game

Now, we’ve added Changeling: The Lost Second Edition products to Studio2‘s store! See them here: https://studio2publishing.com/collections/all-products/changeling-the-lost

Scion 2e books and other products are available now at Studio2: https://studio2publishing.com/blogs/new-releases/scion-second-edition-book-one-origin-now-available-at-your-local-retailer-or-online

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

And you can order Pugmire, Monarchies of Mau, Cavaliers of Mars, and Changeling: The Lost 2e at the same link! And now Scion Origin and Scion Hero and Trinity Continuum Core and Trinity Continuum: Aeon are available to order

It’s the return of the DOG DAYS OF SUMMER SALE!

As always, you can find Onyx Path’s titles at DriveThruRPG.com!

On Sale This Week!

This Wednesday, part the fourth of Yugman’s Guide to Ghelspad, a multi-part PDF for Scarred Lands will be adventuring on DTRPG!

This section of Yugman’s includes:

6 new Backgrounds detailing Devotional and Political societies

Two new subclasses

Nine new spells

New equipment and magic items

Plus, as mentioned above, also this Weds, we are releasing a Virtual Tabletop encounter pack for the Trinity Continuum Core: Hunt for the Red Widow on DTRPG!

Hunt for the Red Widow is a short encounter designed starting Talents in the Trinity Continuum Core setting. When a renowned but mysterious thief known as The Red Widow steals an ancient artifact from the Æon Society’s vaults, it is up to the party to track her down and recover the device. She is heading to an old ruin said to unlock the artifact’s true power. Can the heroes reach her in time?

Inside you’ll find:

A short encounter for use with the Trinity Continuum Corebook

Two new antagonists: The Red Widow, and her minions, known simply as “Ghosts.” Virtual tabletop tokens are included to represent the antagonists

Two maps, ready to be uploaded into your virtual tabletop platform of choice

New Anomaly Powers.

Conventions!

Though dates for physical conventions are subject to change due to the current COVID-19 outbreak, here’s what’s left of our current list of upcoming conventions (and really, we’re just waiting for this last one to be cancelled even though it’s Nov/Dec). Instead, keep an eye out here for more virtual conventions we’re going to be involved with:

PAX Unplugged: https://unplugged.paxsite.com/

Keep an eye out for our games being run at the online version of GenCon at the end of the month, as well as our What’s Up With the Onyx Path? panel currently slated for 1pm, Thursday July 30th!

https://www.gencon.com/online/

And now, the new project status updates!

Development Status from Eddy Webb! (Projects in bold have changed status since last week.):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep.)

Exalted Essay Collection (Exalted)

The Devoted Companion (Deviant: The Renegades)

Saints and Monsters (Scion 2nd Edition)

M20 Technocracy Operative’s Dossier (Mage: The Ascension 20th Anniversary)

Prometheus Unbound (was Psi Orders) (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

No Gods, No Masters (Scion 2nd Edition)

Redlines

Dragon-Blooded Novella #2 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Wild Hunt (Scion 2nd Edition)

CtL 2e Novella Collection: Hollow Courts (Changeling: The Lost 2e)

Adversaries of the Righteous (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Squeaks In The Deep (Realms of Pugmire)

Trinity Continuum: Anima

Second Draft

Many-Faced Strangers – Lunars Companion (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Contagion Chronicle Ready-Made Characters (Chronicles of Darkness)

Trinity Continuum: Adventure! core (Trinity Continuum: Adventure!)

Dead Man’s Rust (Scarred Lands)

The Clades Companion (Deviant: The Renegades)

M20 Rich Bastard’s Guide To Magick (Mage: The Ascension 20th Anniversary)

Dystopia Rising: Evolution Fiction Anthology (Dystopia Rising: Evolution)

Hundred Devil’s Night Parade (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Novas Worldwide (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Exalted Essence Edition (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Development

TC: Aberrant Reference Screen (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Across the Eight Directions (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Contagion Chronicle: Global Outbreaks (Chronicles of Darkness)

Exigents (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Assassins (Trinity Continuum Core)

Kith and Kin (Changeling: The Lost 2e)

V5 Forbidden Religions (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

V5 Children of the Blood (was The Faithful Undead) (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Manuscript Approval

Crucible of Legends (Exalted 3rd Edition)

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

V5 Trails of Ash and Bone (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Mission Statements (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Post-Approval Development

Under Alien Skies (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Editing

Lunars Novella (Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

Player’s Guide to the Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Contagion Chronicle Jumpstart (Chronicles of Darkness)

TC: Aberrant Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Trinity Continuum Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum)

LARP Rules (Scion 2nd Edition)

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

The Book of Lasting Death (Mummy: The Curse 2e)

They Came From Beyond the Grave! (They Came From!)

Scion: Dragon (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion: Demigod (Scion 2nd Edition)

Dearly Bleak – Novella (Deviant: The Renegades)

N!ternational Wrestling Entertainment (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Post-Editing Development

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

W20 Shattered Dreams Gift Cards (Werewolf: The Apocalypse 20th)

Cults of the Blood Gods (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Hunter: The Vigil 2e core (Hunter: The Vigil 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant core (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

Monsters of the Deep (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Legendlore core book (Legendlore)

Pirates of Pugmire KS-Added Adventure (Realms of Pugmire)

Tales of Aquatic Terror (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Terra Firma (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

One Foot in the Grave Jumpstart (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2e)

Masks of the Mythos (Scion 2nd Edition)

Indexing

Lunars: Fangs At The Gate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Art Direction from Mike Chaney!

In Art Direction

Tales of Aquatic Terror

WoD Ghost Hunters (KS)

Aberrant

Hunter: The Vigil 2e

Mummy 2

Deviant – Sam doing fulls for this next. Contracting out all the rest.

Legendlore

Technocracy Reloaded

Cults of the Blood God – Rolling along.

Scion: Dragon (KS) – Splats contracted.

Masks of the Mythos (KS) – KS art contracted, a couple of finals already in.

Scion: Demigod (KS) – KS art in progress.

They Came From Beyond the Grave! (KS) – KS running.

TC: Adventure! (KS) – Cover is in.

Geist: One Foot In the Grave

In Layout

Yugman’s Guide to Ghelspad

Vigil Watch

TC Aeon Terra Firma

V5 Let the Streets Run Red – Almost wrapped up, still working on Loresheets.

Pugmire Adventure

Scion Titanomachy

Trinity Core Jumpstart

Proofing

Trinity Aeon Jumpstart – PoD files updated.

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate – Indexing.

Cavaliers of Mars: City of the Towered Tombs

Magic Item Decks (Scarred Lands)

Yugman’s Guide Support Decks (Scarred Lands)

At Press

TCFBTS Heroic Land Dwellers – PoD proof on the way.

TCFBTS Screen and Booklet – Files at press.

They Came from Beneath the Sea! – Shipping from printer to KS fulfiller, PoD proofs on the way.

Pirates of Pugmire – Shipping from printer to KS fulfiller.

Pirates of Pugmire Screen – Files at press.

Dark Eras 2 – Files at press.

Dark Eras 2 Screen and booklet – Files at press.

Changeling: The Lost 2nd Edition Dark Eras Compilation – PoD proof on the way.

Contagion Chronicle – Press prep.

Contagion Chronicle Screen and Booklet – Files at press.

Lunars Wall Scroll Map – Files at press.

Lunars Screen and Booklet – Files at press.

Scarred Lands Creature Collection – Printing.

Scion Companion – PoD proofs ordered.

Today’s Reason to Celebrate!

Today marks 80 years since the first named appearance of Bugs Bunny on screen. A Wild Hare in 1940 was his first appearance as Bugs. He did appear earlier as a Bugs-like rabbit in Porky’s Hare Hunt, but he was unnamed in the episode. Guess they liked the reaction to his character enough to give him a name. For several generations that grew up with the cartoons, especially run in blocks on TV, Bugs was an anarchic, rebellious, and sarcastic role model – very often the first that young minds were exposed to.

You can tell because even to this day we quote certain lines, like my old WW buddy Ken Cliffe who often replied to questions about whether the text for game books would hit deadlines with “Could be, rabbit. Could be.”