#and i’m being like 100% serious when i say seeing him live changed my life like | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dark-frosted-heart · 9 months ago

Text

From a Mean Lie, Love Begins - Roger Barel

As usual, can’t guarantee 100% accuracy on this. Secondhand embarrassment ahead.

After finishing dinner, I had some free time and so I decided to help Roger with his research.

As I descended the stairs leading to the basement like usual, I heard two people talking and stopped in my tracks.

(Roger and…Harrison?)

Their expressions were so serious that I couldn’t find the right time to call out to them.

Harrison: …In such a bad shape?

Roger: Yeah. Heard from experts that it can’t be returned to its original state. Spine’s so wrecked and can’t stand without support.

Harrison: So caught up in research that you can’t even take care of yourself. What a laugh. …Could’ve done something about it if it was caught sooner.

(What does he mean…? Roger, are you in such a bad state that you can’t stand…?)

He looked fine last night while happily drinking.

(But…there are some illnesses out there that are invisible)

(Was he self-destructing by drinking so much because he couldn’t save himself…?)

Roger: Well, I’ll see what I can do for now. I got a reputation of not being a quitter. Just gotta hang in there ‘til the end. If you can’t…then we’ll deal with it when the time comes.

As I secretly peeped at them, I saw Roger give a weak smile.

(Roger’s body really is wrecked…)

(He couldn’t have been lying if Harrison’s there…)

I couldn’t bring myself to say anything and quietly left before they could notice.

–

(I wasn’t aware that Roger’s condition was that bad…)

(But now that I know…I can change my behavior)

(Tomorrow, I’ll do my best to support Roger so that he doesn’t suffer)

The day after learning about Roger’s condition, I secretly made a decision. I’ll immediately start helping him out.

–

Kate: Here, Roger. Open your mouth please.

After cutting the meat on the plate into bite-sized pieces, I held it up to Roger’s mouth.

Roger: …? I can eat by myself, lil’ lady.

Kate: Please don’t overwork yourself! I’ll be supporting you throughout your life!

Roger: The hell’s gotten into you?

Roger tried to stand up with a puzzled look on his face, and I rushed to stop him.

Kate: Ah, please don’t force yourself to stand!

Roger: I just wanna get a drink…

Kate: I’ll get it for you!

I stood up instead and got Roger a glass of water.

Kate: Here you go Roger.

Roger: Thanks…

Alfons: Good grief…Stop worrying about that muscle-headed, research-obsessed idiot and feed me, little robin?

Kate: …You’re feeling fine, aren’t you Alfons? You don’t need help, do you?

Alfons: I’m certainly feeling rather energized this morning, however…

With the way you’re speaking…You make it sound as if Roger’s not well.

Kate: …

I became depressed as I thought back to yesterday’s conversation.

Roger: …Lil’ lady?

Kate: I heard it yesterday. The conversation between you and Harrison… That your body was so wrecked that you couldn’t stand…!

Roger: Hm? That’s…

Alfons: Oh? I knew you wouldn’t live long but is it finally time to kick the bucket?

Roger: …

At the question, Roger exchanged glances with Harrison and then let out a sigh.

Roger: …Everyone’s gonna wind up six feet under eventually. It just depends on when.

(If you’re not denying it, then it’s true…?)

Kate: Please don’t talk about giving up like that…! I may not understand your condition, but I’ll be supporting you from today onward!

Roger: That’s helpful. Well I got some research I’d like you to help me with now…

Kate: Please leave it to me!

–

I was helping Roger out with his research like he’d asked and it was approaching midnight.

Roger: It’s getting late. Why don’t you get back to your room, lil’ lady?

Kate: What about you?

Roger: …I’ll get some rest too.

Kate: Liar. You’re going to keep working, aren’t you?

When I glared at Roger for that impromptu lie, he just shrugged.

Roger: …I got some interesting data so I wanna work on it for a bit longer.

Kate: It’s not like the data’s going anywhere tomorrow and the numbers won’t change. Take it easy and look after yourself.

I forced Roger out of his chair and onto an infirmary bed.

Roger: Are you planning on helping me not just today, but the next day onward too?

Kate: Yes. I’m worried about your health so that’s my intention.

Roger: Heh, your thoughts never fail to surprise me. You’d agree to anything I’d ask you right now, wouldn’t you?

Kate: Is there anything else you want me to do?!

Roger asked me to help with his research today, but…that’s just an extension of how I usually help him.

(If I could do anything for Roger since he’s not physically well…I’d do it)

Roger: Yeah…How about this. Kiss me. Roger grabbed my hand as he sat up in bed.

(Why a kiss…ah)

(If you don’t feel well, then you’ll feel even more lonely or hopeless…)

No doubt the kiss wouldn’t have any special feeling behind it…rather, it’d just be some physical contact to fill the loneliness.

(Roger’s selfishly kissed me numerous times before)

(No point in rejecting him at this point)

(More importantly, I’d like to help Roger when I can…)

Because I’m standing, I don’t have to go on my tiptoes to kiss him today.

To keep it from getting in the way,I tucked my hair behind my ear with the hand not being held by Roger.

Kate: Nn…

I gave Roger a light peck.

Though it was just a brief, I filled Roger’s heart with all the compassion I could muster.

Roger: Ha…it’s still not enough.

Roger tugged hard on the hand he was holding.

Kate: …Oof

Roger was pushed down onto the bed as he pulled me toward him.

Kate: A-are you alright?! Does it hurt anywhere?

Roger: Nothing hurts so just leave it. That aside, do it again.

Kate: …

At his begging, I pushed Roger down and kissed him again.

This time, his hand went up to the back of my head to keep me from pulling away too soon.

Kate: Nn…haaa…

Roger’s tongue slid into my mouth and tangled with mine.

Breathtaking kisses were something Roger had shown me.

(I don’t know how many more kisses like this I’ll get…)

The thought of it made my heart ache…I continued to kiss Roger to make him happy.

Roger: …You’d really do anything, wouldn’t you?

Roger mumbled as our lips parted.

Roger: Do you do this with anyone you know is weak…?

(I tried to imagine it but…it’d be difficult to do this with anyone but Roger)

(Roger’s touched me before, so it’s a different set of obstacles from others…I think)

Kate: I think it’s normal to want to do things for someone who’s suffering.

Roger: …If that’s the case, then I can’t just go quietly.

Kate: …Huh?

Roger: Who’ll take care of Crown when I’m gone? They could call in a doctor from the outside, but it’d be hard to respond at my speed. And if that does happen, you’d have a lot of weak men lying around you. Don’t wanna put you in a situation where you’d be compassionate toward weak men besides me.

(Are you saying this to protect me…? But…)

Kate: But even if you say that, your body’s already…

Roger: Ah…Think it’s time I cleared up this misunderstanding.

Kate: Misunderstanding…?

Roger: That conversation you heard between Harrison and me was actually about—

~~ Flashback ~~

Roger: …?

Harrison: What’s up?

Roger: Nothing, just heard the lil’ lady’s footsteps…But she turned back.

Harrison: She probably read the air when she saw how serious we looked.

Roger: We weren’t talking about anything important so she could’ve just come in.

Harrison: Not important…Roger, do you really understand the value of this book? It’s a book signed by Edgar Allan Poe and it got ruined by chemicals…! The spine’s falling apart and the chemical’s made the text fade so much it’s unreadable. It couldn’t even stand on its own when I put it on a bookshelf…

Roger: It was a gift, but I got so caught up in my research that I got careless.

Harrison: *sigh*...This is why people only interested in research are nothing but trouble.

~~ End flashback ~~

Roger: So…It wasn’t me that got wrecked but a book.

Kate: Really…?

Roger: Yeah, really. As you can see, I’m healthy as a horse. Sorry for playing around with you without clearing it up right away. Thought it’d be a good excuse to get you to help with some research. I’ll take all your complaints.

Kate: Y-you’re the worst!!

With a singular curse, I ran out and to my room.

After closing the door, I collapsed on the spot.

Kate: That’s a relief… At least Roger isn’t dying…!

Feeling relieved, uncontrollable feelings spilled out in the form of tears.

I ran from Roger because I didn’t want him to see me cry.

Roger’s voice: …Lil’ lady.

Roger’s voice could be heard from out in the hallway.

Kate: W-what is it? I’m mad at you right now…!

Roger’s voice: I wanna apologize, so open the door.

Kate: Don’t want to…

Roger’s voice: That so. …With the lie I told, I don’t blame you.

I thought Roger would give up once I refused him, but he showed no signs of leaving.

Kate: Um…You’re not going back to your room?

Roger: I’m gonna wait ‘til you open the door for me.

(If you say that, then i have no choice but to open the door…)

I wiped my eyes and opened the door.

Roger: …

Kate: D-did you by chance…hear anything when I came back to my room?

Roger’s curse gave him supernatural hearing.

“At least Roger isn’t dying…”

If he heard me say that as I cried, then my angry act would be all for nothing.

Roger: No? Didn’t hear anything. Anyway, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let that misunderstanding about my life go that far.

Kate: … …You said you lied to get me to help you. So why the kiss?

Roger: You were worrying so much over taking care of me that it was endearing. I wanted to dote on you.

Kate: That wasn’t doting?! I’d call that making things difficult for me!

Roger: Really? I always thought you enjoyed the kisses. If I got the wrong idea then sorry. Let’s try again to be sure.

Kate: Why are you always taking things in that direction! Do you even actually feel sorry at all?

Roger: I think so…Sorry.

Roger’s sudden, touching apology distracted me from my anger.

Roger: I won’t lie to you anymore. If me living longer makes you happy, then I’ll do just that.

Kate: I-I knew it. You did hear what I said when I got back to my room!

Roger: Whoops, that’s right. I didn’t hear a thing.

Kate: If you’re going to lie, then go through with it…!

Roger: Pfft…Haha.

Kate: …What are you laughing at?

Roger: Though I love how you look when you cry, I think I also love the way you yell with so much energy. Sorry for worrying you the whole day.

Roger roughly patted my head.

As I begrudgingly looked up at him, I realized that my heart was racing again.

(Roger already heard me say that I was relieved that he wasn’t going to die, but…)

(...I hope he doesn’t notice the sound of my heart racing as he pats my head)

#ikemen villains #ikevil #ikevil jp #ikevil translations #roger barel #ikevil roger

112 notes · View notes

jmdbjk · 2 years ago

Text

Oh, Jimin...

These are my personal impressions, thoughts, interpretations and opinions on Jimin’s solo FACE album. Some of the things I say here are built on things I know from past original content, interviews and what Jimin has shared personally. Some of it is just me reveling in my first experience with Jimin’s long awaited album.

It is such a serious album. Jimin said this is the story of what he was feeling, chronologically, 2020-2022, during the pandemic era. At the beginning of 2020, BTS was rising higher than any Korean artist ever had before and then all of a sudden the momentum came to a halt, and there was nothing. Having the life you’ve known suddenly jerked away from you is traumatizing.

Once the king of social media, Jimin almost ceased by the end of 2020 and never went back. “Oh, he just outgrew it.” No, the man was struggling with his issues and not only did he not need to see the extra crap spewed all over social media but he had nothing left to give, nothing left inside.

I noticed how Jimin looked physically back in 2020. He was downright frail y’all. The man was trying to give us what we wanted at the expense of his mental and physical health. That breakdown he had during the ending ments in Memories 2020 was too much. They were all stressed out, but Jimin... those that said he was being over dramatic... the man was struggling with his mental health.

I wrote this last June, 2022 but never posted it:

After Memories 2020 dropped, we’ve heard Jimin say he struggled after everything got canceled. Days upon days that turned into months upon months and more than two years passed before they finally returned to in-person performances. He stated that during isolation and lockdowns he wondered what was the purpose of his life, or that he had lost his purpose.

Jimin’s struggles were most likely much more severe than he let on and he 100% kept it to himself because he didn’t want us to worry about him. That sounded like solo delusional projection but think about Jimin and how he’s behaved in the past...always telling us not to worry. Always saying things to reassure us that he’s happy, he eats well, don’t worry.

There was no working, no performing, their lives and his life changed drastically overnight just like all of ours did. Would we ever get back to normal? What will happen in the future? When will all of this end?

Face-Off

The album opens with a carnival calliope, it was a little jarring and unexpected. The images it conjured in my brain as the notes played were of a worn out circus winding down. It made me think of the big wild circus that WAS his life, and it just wound down and keeled over.

Knowing the premise of the album, I think the title, Face-Off, implies Jimin is looking at himself. Speaking to himself. The lyrics could also imply he is speaking to someone else, like people he once trusted. But I don’t think so.

He was having a confrontation with himself. Reasoning and bargaining with himself.

Maybe he once trusted himself but in this time and place in which he finds himself, he questions what is he doing? and second guessing himself. Day in and day out, the days are all the same nothingness. Hiding his feelings, faking it, pretending it was all ok. It’s all cool. It’ll be all right. He has said many times he looks back at that time and thinks he could have done more for the fans. Being hard on himself. His own worst critic.

And then this enters the picture: using alcohol to self-medicate. Getting drunk. Numbing the pain. Forgetting. Drink all night. Oh, Jimin...

We know he has a very high alcohol tolerance. He once mentioned that he used to drink a lot. When he declined the champagne during the live after the Busan concert, we all made jokes about it and moved on. Oh, Jimin.

Face-Off feels like it could have been a purging song when he wrote it. A little primal, you know... just scream, get it out. Painful but cathartic.

This is the lyric that was scary: “tonight is a beautiful night, I think I’m close (or I think I have it all/I think I’ve found myself)” were chilling to me because they did not come across as optimistic, they came across as being at the end of one’s rope after becoming a shell of a person. He follows that line with “tonight I don’t want to be sober.” Oh, Jimin.

His vocals open very low and moody then transition to a plaintive cry, punctuated with anger.

Pour it down, pour it out... the anger, the emotions, the words, just pour it out.

Interlude: Dive

Like the calliope that sadly wound down, Dive opens with the melody slowly winding back up to speed. Another day starting. Someone knocks, voices, the ambience of a normal day, breathing, running footsteps. The crowd cheering and Jimin’s voice during his ending ments at the Busan concert, more sounds of people in his life. We hear Jimin’s footsteps trudging, it sounds like we hear him climbing steps, entering his house, closing the door, and first thing he does when he is alone in the quiet is pour a drink and drinking deeply. I am concerned.

Maybe it is supposed to represent the closing of Chapter 1, about a day in the past that was once a “normal” day, since it included the last things he said during that concert.

The music track is dreamlike, repetitive. Living in a dream. Every day. Same thing. Go home. Drink. Do it again. Dive means go deep. In deep. He’s in deep.

There is a very subtle line between drinking in order to make it through another day/night versus drinking to relax and wind down. A slippery slope to walk on every single day.

We’ve transitioned from the world changing overnight to living in a daze trying to pretend everything is ok. Coping.

Like Crazy

(I am going to express my thoughts using the English version of the song.)

Jimin has explained the song is influenced by the movie of the same name.

I have learned that the dialogue from the movie was NOT original to the movie but hired voice actors specifically for the song: “I think we can last forever.” “I’m afraid that everything will disappear.” “Just trust me.” And at the end: “How long again?” “What’s the point?”

He has said the dialogue that was used fit the message of the song. I have not seen the movie. I don’t think the song is a literal interpretation of the movie. I think the song’s basic concept is the emotional struggle trying to maintain a dream. But maintaining a dream is unrealistic no matter what you do to try to make it last. Jimin had to come to terms with that.

Jimin’s vocals begin very light and airy, very dreamy.

[God, he’s fine.]

The vibe of the song is sort of retro, very much evokes the artist, The Weeknd. It has a very 80′s synth beat. It is a very danceable song. Like I said, on the surface.... very dreamy.

Vocals transition and it still seems like he’s having a conversation with himself, or with a voice within himself. A voice telling him to “trust me, follow me... I will make it good for you.” Me: gives a side eye to that voice in Jimin’s head because now I know it’s not trustworthy. “I’ll take the pressure off, been reaching for the stars.” Chasing that high. Go easy, Jimin. Please be careful.

Yes, the lyrics are also very sexy... “give me a good ride,” and “Let me have a taste.” Yep, I’m with ya on all that... ahem...

[Wow]

[side note: I love the make up in the bathroom scene with that stroke of silver under his eye.]

“All my reflections, I can’t even recognize.” ...what he sees of himself is not reality. He doesn’t recognize himself. Don’t try to save me. I want to stay like this.

To me, the mud on the floor, the mud flowing down the walls, the mud on the hand that grabs his wrist at the beginning of the song, the mud on his hand at the end... could represent his perceived imperfections, flawed, therefore dirty: his struggle to cope, his less than perfect thoughts... substance abuse... the struggle that he needs to be perfect on the outside or the attempt to appear perfect on the outside but there’s all this dirt on the inside that he can’t hide any longer.....the huge pile of mud at his feet is out of place in the otherwise normal room of his life. Becoming overwhelming for him.

Some of the visuals of this song are, to put it bluntly, very, not heterosexual. Again, these are just my impressions and opinions. But a friend pointed out the photo on the front of his pants and I went looking for information about the art photographer, Robert Mapplethorpe. He was heavily involved in New York’s gay BDSM scene. Some of the things written about him:

“In a rapidly changing society, he fearlessly confronted taboos surrounding gender, sexuality and mortality, seeking to instill beauty and dignity into subjects that lay outside accepted social norms.”

“... a man who consistently brought his audience face to face with the unknown and the unseen.”

The song ends with him reaching toward the camera to smear it with the mud to hide his imperfect self. When Jimin puts his face in front of the camera, he doesn’t want us to see his imperfections. He wants to be as perfect as he can, he says it all the time, he wants to look pretty for us, but I hope he has realized we accept him as a real human being even with his very human imperfections.

Alone

The alarm clock goes off...yet another day...doesn’t trust the people even if they are nice to him...he’s lost...day in day out... passing out drunk and not remembering...what am I doing? am I the only one feeling like this? Alone, pretending to be ok...every day the same...how much more until I can go back to before? Feeling more and more isolated within his own mind, pretending to be ok but losing himself every day. Mayday. The cry for help. Telling himself it will be all right (we all told ourselves this back then). The small nagging voice that doesn’t believe it.

Realizing you’ve changed and you are never going back to the way you were before.

Not gonna lie, that line right there broke my heart. Gives new meaning to Set Me Free Pt. 2′s line: "raise your hands for the past me.”

He was in so much trouble and no one knew. He reassured us over and over that he was fine. Not to be over-dramatic but I don’t want to think about how close he was... I have seen a few people say this song really resonated with them. It is a very powerful cry for help.

Jimin’s vocals blew me away. The vocals start out very subdued, almost beaten down. His vocal fry squeezes my heart. He ends crying out “what do I have to do to end this darkness?” Bad twilight. Night’s can be hard.

Set Me Free Pt. 2

From my post on March 17, 2023:

Going insane to stay sane. Raise your hands for the past me. Now set me free. This is where I literally cried. Oh, Jimin.

Going crazy trying to fake being ok.

Now I know this song is about him saving himself, setting himself free from this prison he was in, the depression, breaking the chains of alcohol dependency, of telling the naysayers out there and his own internal naysayer to go fuck themselves, Park Jimin is back. Strong and beautiful and fierce. The light of the moon shining on us.

We know he still considers soju his joy. He sounds like he’s taken control, not totally abstaining, but in control. I only wish the rest of his days are happiness and stable mental health well-being.

Letter

So unexpected. I was in shock. My heart floated away.

People talk about how Jimin’s album has no collabs on it, unlike the previous member’s solo work. My opinion is, when you are sharing deeply intimate feelings and emotions and struggles about yourself you don’t want or need other people/voices on your song. It’s not appropriate.

The only exception to this was… Jungkook…not exactly a collab, but he’s there. The other songs used background vocalists who are not members of BTS.

This song was hidden. Yes, there have been other hidden songs. But come on...

Letter has a strong stroke of Promise in the “oh, oh.” And when Jungkook starts singing it is like the world is set right because those two voices blend like nothing else I’ve ever heard. And he comes in in the middle of the song gently supporting Jimin’s vocals. But unmistakably Jungkook. I know it’s up to interpretation, but for me, the lyrics from then on take on something a little extra in meaning with Jungkook there singing with Jimin.

You held your hand out to me and now I will hold on to you. So simple and beautiful. The sounds of the surf remind me of the song “Okinawa” that Jimin posted once. Which also reminds me of their pics at Santa Monica beach...

Letter seems to be an actual letter. When the members told him to write it down, put it in a song, maybe Jimin’s first impulse was to write it as if it was a letter. The lyrics are simple and very to the point and convey:

“...though I’m not good with words, I want to sincerely say let’s make each other happier. You who showed me I am bigger than my small self. You've been by my side and I will be by yours. I hope we stay together until the cold winter. Though the future is unknown and scary, let’s stay together. Never forget we’re together.”

There are references to past songs: Sea, Spring Day. Both of those songs were from 2017.

But Jungkook. On a Jimin song. That was hidden. Clever. That we had no idea about...even though Kookie knocked us over the head with it when he played the guitar for us, making sure we knew he’d only had one lesson. Who do you think gave him that first guitar lesson? Jimin... and Kookie blurting out some English in his last live... who do you think he’s been practicing English with? Duh, Jimin.

It was a hidden song AND the credits were hidden on the page in the book. They were printed in varnish only, which is basically shiny, clear ink.

You know what I think? Jungkook knew about this song since Festa dinner. The teasing about not being offered the chance to listen to the song. That little shit. I KNOW IT WAS THIS SONG!! I JUST KNOW IT!! This was the rumored subunit. Or at least one of them. I guess we’ll eventually see if there are any more between the others.

They sound so beautiful together. I love them. And as I keep saying, they are fine… they’ve been fine.

Last words...

Anyway, that was a lot of words. Maybe I got too deep. Jimin explained himself about how the album originated.

As I was telling my friend earlier...everything in this album has peeled a layer, or several layers, away from EVERYTHING I've seen and heard from Jimin and the group since 2020. I had written some things in the past, like last June and even before that, about how Jimin seemed not well mentally. Things that I had no business saying in public because who the hell am I to think I can say something like that about someone I have never met? So I never posted those words. I never thought I would be so close to the mark in thinking those things. He’s been through it, wrote songs about it, and moved on. And I am so proud of him and this album.

#jimin face #face-off #like crazy #i'm so proud of jimin #if they were trying to quash any ships this was not the way to go about it #i said that after hickey-gate too #also jikook #did i mention i am so proud of jimin?#and kookie is so funny

266 notes · View notes

virtchandmoir · 8 months ago

Text

May 10, 2024

“It’s definitely a bit of a rollercoaster. It’s a tour definitely mixed with some reflection of previous tours and how I remember it,” the 33-year-old Chan says on a day off from Toronto, before the SOI cast headed off to Regina for a show on Thursday night. “I saw Scott (Moir) in London, he came to the show … just hugging him and talking with him, I got really emotional for some reason. It brought back a flood of memories of what it was like touring with Scott and what that meant to me. And the memories we made and the things I learned, the stupid things we did … just everything came rushing back. “We went through the juniors together and all the way to the top. I have moments like that where I just reflect and reminisce a lot on how things used to be. But at the same time, I miss my family, I miss my wife (former pairs skater Elizabeth Putnam), I miss (his son) Oliver a lot … I think I’m stepping away at the right time, considering where I am in my life and how hard being away from my son for four weeks has been already. I knew it was never going to be easy; these types of decisions are always tough.” [...] “You know, this cast has changed a lot. It’s been a changing of the guard. I’m the only one left from back when Scott and Tessa were doing tours, and Eric (Redford) and Meagan (Duhamel) … I’m really the only one left. I do feel that. It is a pretty stark reminder every show,” he said. “It’s not such the case now, because everyone is still competing and everyone is younger. I connect the best with Deanna (Stellato-Dudek, the ageless 40-year-old who just won a World pairs title with Maxime Deschamps), actually, because I can just relate to her — we’re in similar places in our lives, and share a similar perspective.” [...] “It taught me the hard work, the dedication, putting your mind to something and finishing it and all that. Most importantly, it taught me how to be a professional, how to carry myself and hold myself to a certain standard. Being around other champions from multiple generations —you’re talking Elvis (Stojko), Kurt, also Scott and Tessa —they were all such successful individuals, but also different,” he said. “But at the end of the day, when it comes to being professional and showing up and doing your job correctly, we held ourselves to that standard. And then being a good person. Knowing when to have fun, when to be serious. And also, how to get through the struggles, how to figure things out when things aren’t clicking at 100 per cent. [...] “I didn’t get to go to university, I didn’t have that key development time (in my life). Scott was my guy, and all these other cast members. Andrew Poje and Eric Radford … all these skaters were more than just my teammates, they were my life and my social circle. It does feel like it’s all coming to an end and it’s weird that Stars is kind of marking that last chapter.” [...] “For me, Halifax always stands out. I always have really fond memories of Halifax, because it would be the end of the season, the weather was changing, and I’d sit by the harbour in Halifax and reflect on the season. And then I’d get really excited about seeing my friends and developing a show together,” he said. “Spending hours together on the ice, but also goofing around and finding that good balance of work and fun. Halifax was just such a great city to start in. And there were the bus rides and traditions that I try to keep going and pass onto the next generation, but I’m finding it harder to (do that). I’m not Scott. I realized that pretty quick.”

—rwbrodiewrites

#tessa and scott #off ice #quote #people love 'em #a scott and tessa fan

26 notes · View notes

giddlygoat · 1 year ago

Note

Launchdad? 🤨 🎤

LAUNCHDAD 💪

thanks for the ask! i had this sketch lying around so the timing is perfect.

launchpad and gos’ dynamic is so incredibly important to me. her rambunctious, rebellious spirit and endless energy paired with launchpad’s bottomless positivity and chill aura is so perfect. he’s the most supportive, sweetest father figure she could possibly have. i love how in the show she has no apprehensions about coming to him with anything, and always feels safe with him. it’s how things should be, and a nice change of pace next to drake’s short temper.

one of my favorite scenes in the whole show is in the alien queen one near the beginning when they’re all three on a road trip, and gosalyn turns her home camera to launchpad and says “show us your true self!” iirc and he takes his hands off the steering wheel to make a silly face at her LAWLLLL the dad humor with launchpad is strong. not to mention drake’s immediate chastising him to keep his eyes on the road. they are so married <3

i just love how playful launchpad is with her, yet he always takes her seriously and talks to her on her level. he not only cares for her more than anything but respects her and is always honest with her, which is earning some serious parenting points in my book.

he’s already cultivated such a healthy relationship with her and provided so much security for her before she even calls him “dad”, which i’m almost certain she’s never done in canon. but, i can easily see her doing so by mistake and quickly correcting herself, only to leave launchpad a sobbing heap of overwhelming pride and joy at the title <3

launchpad playing mediator between drake and gos is also so important to me. drake loves her to death, there’s not a doubt. and i know he wants to be the best parent he possibly can for her, but what he lacks in emotional presence he makes up for in over-protectiveness. and i LOVE that we see growth and change in the show, and he is learning more every day! but let’s face it, launchpad is infinitely more approachable.

i think drake sees so much of himself in gos that it’s sometimes hard for him to take a step back and analyze things cooly. like, he was bullied for being a geeky wimp. gos snarls at anyone who implies she isn’t at least as tough as nails. drake had to learn to make it on his own and defend himself when he had no support. gosalyn has had to say goodbye to everyone closest in her life. drake overcompensates for his fragile ego and seeks attention wherever he can find it because he NEEDS to prove he’s the best at everything all the time in order to be worthy. everything gosalyn does when she’s ‘acting out’ is either to earn some kind of respect from drake or to rebel in a search for some relief. drake had no support so he builds four walls and a roof around gosalyn so she never has to be alone, ever.

launchpad stands in the doorway of that box with a smile and a warm hug locked and loaded, because he also knows what it’s like to be alone. can we just. talk about how isolating it is to be so kind? just for a minute. can we talk about how launchpad isn’t capable of giving any less than his all. he pours everything he has into everyone he meets because he also knows how much it hurts to be left, and he doesn’t ever want to be the reason anyone feels that sting. he greets everyone with his signature 100 watt smile that only flickers at the threat of harm done to those he cares for, and provides an immovable rock of support at all times. do you ever wonder why he has exes all over the world yet lived alone in a hangar before meeting drake? do you ever wonder if it was his incessant positivity that pushed people away or his determination to not be a burden ultimately leading to an emotional divide unsurpassable by a well hidden vulnerable side, ironically buried beneath all of this sincerity? do you ever wonder how heavy that heart on his sleeve is?

hey. hey anon whyd you have to give me this prompt /silly

#sorry that devolved into LP analysis so quickly but as you can see i am so insane in the head about this showBSDNND #asks #anon #launchpad mcquack #gosalyn mallard #gos #LP #drake mallard #darkwing duck #dwd #giddly’s art #no id #im at work rn so this may be a bit disconnected and shoddy whoops

110 notes · View notes

godeaterazathoth · 1 year ago

Text

Issues I have with ikevamp

That I’m venting here because they won’t leave my skull

*Content warning, we’re talking about men in the past, they did some bad stuff*

Part 1, historical inaccuracies

I’m I history nut so this really gets to me, since I know the deep details of these peoples lives.

The timeline, ok so the game takes place in 18th France, correct me if I’m wrong but I think it is in the second empire (1852-1870) considered there is a noble class, yet you can clearly see the Eiffel Tower which was completed in 1889, there is no mention of the 1889 exposition, so it must be after the tower had become permanent, by then the 3rd republic was around, if we are in the republic the Count wouldn’t be called that by the npcs at all the parties he goes to, no matter which we’re in, NOBODY mentions Napoleon III at, NOT EVAN HIS UNCLE (WHOSE SOMEHOW BECAME CASS CONSCIOUS!)

How does the time travel work, example, Dazai died in 1948, his plan was seemingly to wait until he’s born in 1909 then kill himself as a baby, but then he decides to use the magic door, what are the consequences of 2 Dazais existing at once or him erasing himself from history, he’s a pretty important literary figure, does someone else replace him or does the space time continuum collapse?? Is the future Vlad sees set in stone or can it be changed, just copy someone else’s time travel bit!!!

So straight up these guys aren’t who they say they are, we’ll go through 1 by 1

Napoleon- doesn’t mention he left the love of his life to marry a girl 20 years his junior (like think how interesting it would be if he’s conflicted about love cuz he had to give it up for political reasons) -that scene where MC talks about all the ‘good’ that he did in Europe, like committing war crimes against the Spanish and Portuguese and Eastern Europeans, being a coloniser, killing the slaves he freed when they asked for more rights, killing thousands of men in a meaningless war (ligit H*tler vibes)

Arthur- goofy irl, literally believed in fairies, had 5 children and married twice but he never mentions any of this, he cheated on his first wife while she was dying of TB, he was a liberal unionist (tldr didn’t like Irish people) he was anti-immigration, might have committed fraud. We’ll get to the other issues I have with him.

Leonardo- fruity as hell, vegetarian

Mozart- they got his character completely wrong, the guy was a complete man child, vain, broke, by the end of his life his career fell off (Beethoven better composer), in love with his cousin 🤢, had a s*at fetish 🤢🤢🤢. The hole Salieri thing didn’t happen.

Vincent- they made him too mentally stable, I’m all for him being meek, but the guy had serious issues that they ignore, he ate paint thinner, was rejected by his both crushes, WHY DOES HE HAVE BOTH EARS, DID IT GROW BACK, THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM WITH ONLY ONE, also he should be ginger smh. Oh yeah and they never mentioned the s*ecide attempt.

Theo- doesn’t mention his wife, or son, WHO HE NAMED AFTER VINCENT, his wife is the person responsible for Vincent’s work not being completely forgotten, was way nicer irl.

Issac- tbh hotter irl, low key ace, maybe a fruit, kinda mean, the only thing they got right was the major virgin vibes.

Jean- WHY MAN!??!! Even if the didn’t want a lesbian route, they could have gone with any other guy from the 100 years war, Edward black prince, idk WHY GENDER BEND ONE OF THE MOST PROMINENT WOMEN IN HISTORY, I’m fine with the delusional trans dude lie, but they say that he was a guy all along, THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HIM BEING BURNT AT THE STAKE IF HE WASN’T CROSS DRESSING???!!! was he double cross dressing??? This is the worst of them all, give me the girl boss we deserve (revers fate)

Dazai- not depressed enough imo, he was a leftist, again missing wife, their were two su*ecide attempts, guy lived through fire bombing, had a few children that he is fine to erase from existence.

Shakespeare- probably a fruit, again never mentioned his wife and kids, btw the way he talks is annoying, some people don’t think he’s real.

Faust- NOT A REAL PERSON.

Sanson- too young, this guys is 67, really liked the guillotine, just saw execution as his job didn’t really care, had a wife and kids.

Vlad- Ok is he supposed to be Vlad THE impaler? Cuz he’s not evil enough, or is he a Dracula reference, cuz he can’t dance that dance either, why did they call him Vlad if he isn’t a blood thirsty war criminal.

Count- not enough history to work with.

Part 2, problematic moments

So I ha have seen some posts on the low key misogynistic way the MC is written and treated and there are a lot of issues wit white washing history so another trigger warning ⚠️

Misogyny- the MC of this game is not the best, I know she’s a self insert but she has no backbone at all. She lacks agency I’m most of the routes, like the MC getting kidnapped is a troupe in all these games, but Emma can escape on her own, Kate has ⚽️, even Alice had more depth to her, seems the only thing MC can do is cry and wait to be saved, I swear she gets kidnapped once in every route, I think they could have given her more character to work with. Another thing, but Jean being a man is bad, really bad, she’s a feminist icon but they made her a man, it’s sought of saying that women aren’t capable of this so she had to have actually been a man.

Handling of SA, important one here, I’m ok with the flirty guy, but I really hate Arthur, he doesn’t just flirt with her in chapter 1 he assaults her and acts like he did her a service, and she just forgives him!?! I’m fine with a guy that sleeps around, I like Jin and Nokto fine, but the way Arthur talks about women, always calling them Birds (if they were going for English slang it doesn’t work cuz he doesn’t have a cockney accent) or worse Skirts, it’s dehumanising, and shows that to him women are vehicles for sexual pleasure and aren’t on an equal level of understanding. There are smaller parts to, Leo kisses her without consent, the Count hides the truth from her, idk but Theo calling her a ‘hound’ sounds like he’s calling her something else…

Minor points on classism, I’m not expecting the communist manifesto, but all these games aren’t very good at dealing with class deviation. In Vlad’s route, the orphan boy thinks he can impress the rich girl, this is the 19th century, capitalism is on the rise, but there’s no comment about how it’s impossible. The little school Napoleons runs is strange, considering he was in a position where benefited from poor people existing and staying poor, ( side note, he’s teaching them swordsmanship when ww1 is right around the corner, just saying they won’t need it in the military) called MC out as a social climber, these games sought of depict the past through rosé tinted glasses, there’s only passing reference to how fucked people were in the past, Also all the historical inaccuracies above tie to this.

Anyway love to hear some other opinions, (I started playing this game before my transition and have always thought it it was wired, it’s my personal least favourite just cuz I couldn’t really get into any of the guys, my OC ended up as a Carmilla reference so….)

I have seen a post talking about some of the issues before so that’s what got me to write this out, if you disagree or want to add anything I’m all ears 👂

Thanks for reading 💗💖💖💕💓💝💗🥰🥰🥰❤️✨✨✨✨❤️⭐️⭐️⭐️

#ikemen vampire #ikevamp #ikepri #ikevil #ikerev #ikemen series

68 notes · View notes

funkii-fox · 2 months ago

Text

Should I block the French Guy?

This mf has the audacity to pretend to agree that AI “art” is wrong, then STILL is using AI to generate images of his ocs. I posted the quote of Araki condemning AI “art” and this fucking guy has the audacity to like it, even tho I had him in mind while posting it.

I was like “yk, I havent seen this guy’s story in a while because it’s 100% hateful, maybe I should check to see if he still does.” The most recent one I could find was from September 8th in a highlight abt ocs, but that’s not to say he hasn’t used it since and just didn’t save it to highlight. Make of that what you will, but I choose to believe he’s still using AI. I remember once I even had a convo telling him to stop using AI, but bro just went “ok” and still used AI BRUH🗿

But guess what else I saw: he likes Jimmy 😭😭😭 this was 100% expected tho. He once changed his pfp to Curly and i was like “your ass is NOT Curly ur Jimmy bro.” He posted 3 whole stories abt the community judging ppl that like Jimmy. He compared it to how ppl like DIO and said its bc he has pretty privilege and not Jimmy and thats why ppl judge them. I won’t lie; yes, most ppl like DIO bc hes pretty and charming, but at least he has some types of redeeming qualities. Jimmy is just 100% asshole. Every scene you see of him is he’s being a jerk or a fuck up that says “i can fix this” but actually can’t. Mouthwashing is SO un-nuanced in the way you’re supposed to hate Jimmy, it’s amazing rlly. We’re not even shown much of his personal life or other aspects of his personality; unlike other antagonists like Kira or Diavolo.

Now, am I gonna throw rocks at your window for liking Jimmy? No. Do what you want. But, i will psychoanalyze you and conclude that you like him either for the abusive dynamic or you like him bc he’s like you. This guy 110% likes Jimmy bc he’s relatable.

Simply looking at it face value right now, the way this guy is so OBSESSED with other people is insane. 90% of my conversations w this guy has been bruja arianna, snerufu, antis, women who make self insert ocs, or his arch nemesis Fay that he just can’t stop stalking. It reminds me of how Jimmy was obsessed and jealous of Curly’s success. He is also negative all the time. Even when making a joke, the punchline is always someone else or a cheap horny joke that comes across as a 7th grader. It reminds me of how Jimmy HAD to take Curly saying “i want more in life” the wrong way. It even manifests in the way bro had Curly as his pfp; because he wants to be like Curly.

We met from me shitting on bruja arianna. My criticism came from logic and a want to make change in the community, but it’s clear now that his criticism comes from hate and insecurity. He’s so passionate about hate, i think it’s the only thing he’s passionate about. He’s not even passionate enough about his own ocs to draw them himself. He’s so hateful he makes fun of women in the fandom for damn near anything they do, as if millions of ppl don’t also see him as a woman and as if he never lived as a woman. Then he hides all of his edginess as “im French lol we’re just angry :p” be so serious

His only other characteristic is being hypocritical. This guy “doesn’t deserve hate” but is constantly negative all the time. This guys gets upset at shit on a screen just to search it up more. This guy HATES bruja arianna for mocking trans men, yet all his male ocs are “androgynous” no mf they look like girls.

Chat, I don’t care anymore about being stalked. I’m stronger now. I have better things to worry about now that I have a life. I don’t care if he talks a lot of shit nor do I care if he “exposes” me for some made up bs. He can have a tantrum all he wants; i have better things to care about

Poll whether I should block him under the cut.

#yes im talking about the french guy #rants

3 notes · View notes

literalgrill · 1 year ago

Text

Zom 100: Truly Living Despite A Pandemic

youtube

Does Zom: 100 Bucket List of the Dead have a bad message for the Covid conscious, or is there more below the surface? Let's find out together! This is my first ever video essay, so I hope you enjoy! If you like reading instead of watching stuff, this is available over on my blog. Or you can find it by keeping on reading below!

[SPOILERS For Zom 100: Bucket List of the Dead]

[CW: Alcohol and Ableism]

As an immunocompromised person living through the pandemic with a severe distaste for capitalism, I’ve had complicated feelings watching Zom 100: Bucket List of the Dead. The anime’s premise was brilliantly simple. Office worker Akira Tendo has spent three years having the life crushed out of him by an abusive company to the point where he feels like a literal zombie apocalypse would be “heaven” compared to going into the office. Then literally the next day, waves of zombies start overwhelming the world and he makes the choice to seize the day and live his happiest life. The show really caught my eye the moment where color literally returns to Akira's life as he realizes he is truly free from the shackles of capitalism. It was a masterful moment of animation in a show that was already visually stunning.

By the final moments of episode one when Akira writes “100 things I want to do before becoming a zombie” on that notebook I was caught hook, line, and sinker, just like so many others who were on the edge of their seats waiting for the next episode to drop. I was thinking that it might even be a serious contender for anime of the year.

But then episode two introduces one of the most powerful philosophical conflicts of the series. Akira wants to “loaf around and drink beer all day” but to do that, he has to risk his life going to a convenience store to get the beer in the first place. Upon arriving there he meets Shizuka Mikazuki, a woman clearly taking the risk of being zombified extremely seriously. When Akira asks for her contact information, she denies him while admonishing his behavior. “I can’t see myself teaming up with someone who doesn’t know how to analyze risk. I’d prefer not to lower my chances of survival.”

At this point, I began to notice an all too familiar feeling of panic and dismay gnawing at the corners of my heart but I couldn’t quite pinpoint why. So I pushed it aside for the moment to continue the episode. After Akira gets home, he sees that a couple he had run into that morning didn’t make it. He sits down, drinks his beer, and says the lines that finally made everything click.

“We could die today… Or we could die 60 years from now. Either way, there’s never enough time to do all the things we want. Life’s too short to avoid taking risks… If I have to go on living without doing the things I want to do, I would rather be eaten by zombies.”

As those subtitles ran across the screen, all I could hear was a cacophony of voices in my head. “Covid is not going away, you have to live your life.” “Why are you still afraid?” “People can do what they want but I’m not changing my life.” “I won’t live in fear of Covid.” All of those words are things every Covid cautious person is tired of hearing and could easily be summarized into what Akira was saying. To the people with this mindset, life is too short to avoid taking risks and if they have to go on living without doing the things they want to do, they would rather risk death or severe health issues to return to the “new normal.”

For someone in a high risk category that could die if they catch COVID-19, it’s one thing to hear words like this from right wing trolls online, but it’s another to hear these words from friends you have held close for years as they decide maintaining that friendship isn’t worth it because of your safety needs. But when your own family, hell, your own mother, the woman who literally birthed you, the parent you were always told would unconditionally love you, decides that not wearing a mask on her face is more important than keeping her literal child and those like her from death or devastating health conditions? From personal experience, that last one will break your heart in ways that are irreparable.

Hearing what seemed like similar sentiments from Akira, a character I had begun rooting for and identifying with, stung. I was already shaken from that moment alone, but the episode wouldn’t make things any easier. In its second half we get to see the entire situation from Shizuka’s point of view. We see Shizuka eying a sakura mochi at the convenience store but she chooses not to bring it home as it would go against her survival plans which include minimizing her sugar intake. She looks over some footage from a camera she had set up for safety and sees just how excited Akira was to get his beer. She then remarks:

“Who knew a single beer could make someone that happy in a state of emergency? Oh well… Maybe I should have grabbed that sakura mochi after all…” The show then pans over her computer screen with a list that reads: 100 Things To Do To Avoid Becoming A Zombie.

This does not mean Shizuka is meant to be an antagonist. At this juncture of the story, she serves as a juxtaposition to Akira’s beliefs as the protagonist. But the series is already making it clear that Shizuka’s desire to only focus on what keeps her safe makes her wrong, that the “hero” of the story is right, and that even Shizuka is starting to agree with him, just a little bit. It is made clear by the show that we’re supposed to agree with Akira, our protagonist, and what he believes.

Everyone who continues to take precautions to keep themselves and others safe from COVID-19 has asked themselves a similar question: At what point is keeping this level of isolation and safety depriving me from living a fulfilling life? We see people go to massive conventions to interact with communities they care about in ways we cannot safely do. We have to watch friends and families gather for holidays while leaving us out. We must continue to exist in a society that shows all signs of not valuing our participation within it.

It is not an exaggeration to say that this series has been weighing heavily on me ever since I saw the second episode. How much I agreed with Akira’s philosophy had a vice grip on my mind. Those who know me personally are keenly aware of all the wild adventures I’ve had in my life, how I have fought so hard to have unique experiences that leave fantastic stories to tell in their wake. As corny as it sounds, the words Carpe Diem have been a driving force of my life ever since I first heard them in Dead Poets Society years ago as a young teen. So by being Covid conscious, am I betraying my ideals? Were those people right? Am I wasting my one chance at life by being afraid for my health? By wanting to protect others? These are the kinds of questions that I’ve been constantly turning over in my head ever since seeing that episode.

It would have been easy to drop the series here, to ignore this inner turmoil brewing, but I’m glad I didn’t turn away and kept watching because the show has a lot more to say than this simple black and white reading of its themes.

Fast forward to episode 5 when Akira is trying to fulfill another part of his bucket list, remembering his childhood dream, which turns out to be that he wanted to become a superhero. “To fight danger and save those in need in a kickass costume, without a reward… A hero of justice who saves people from zombies.”

Akira and his best friend Kencho head towards the aquarium to find a shark suit to keep him safe from zombie bites, allowing Akira to become the ultimate superhero. Nearby, a group of people trying to get to the harbor have their bus stopped and are suddenly overwhelmed by zombies. Akira jumps in to save a girl before the zombies maul her, and helps lead the group running by to safety. A group that just so happens to have Shizuka among their number.

Akira tries to use this moment of heroism to talk to Shizuka when everyone is safe, but gets shot down for his antics right away. While she doesn’t deny that he saved people, she points out he made a major mistake when she asks Akira, “Did you consider the danger to those truly important to you when you leaped into action to mollify your low self esteem?” While the rest of Shizuka’s arguments are played off comedically as being argumentative, even Akira admits that she’s right on this point, that his efforts at being a hero put his best friend Kencho in danger. He acknowledges in that moment that there might be more to completing his bucket list than just selfishly fulfilling his own desires. It is his turn to accept that Shizuka’s philosophy might be worth considering too.

This complicating of Akira’s philosophy is examined even further as a wildly terrifying zombie shark with legs begins chasing after everyone Akira just saved by ushering them into the aquarium. It’s only through Shizuka’s knowledge of the aquarium, which she gained by studying its maps, that most of the group is able to get away safely. In fact, the theme that selfishly only caring about your own wants and desires being bad is hammered home even harder when a woman shoves Shizuka to the ground, ensuring her own safety while leaving Shizuka to die, which is portrayed as a villainous act. The woman is shown chanting to herself, “It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault.” Many have heard similar words hurled at them when asking if people feel responsible for the deaths that could have been easily prevented by taking precautions against COVID-19. Those people refuse to believe it’s their fault in any way that people are dead or are being left to die. The symbolism of this moment and how it reflects real life mindsets should not be lost on the viewer.

Later in the episode when Shizuka questions why Akira would selflessly save her, he blows her away with his response. “When you’re hungry, you want to eat your fill. If you see a cute girl you try to get to know her. If I see someone who needs help, I want to be a hero.” Up until this point, Shizuka herself has also been quite selfish, only focusing on what gives her the best chances of surviving without thinking of anyone else. Even now she’s still questioning how she feels. “If you die, it’s all over. Why do you go so far to go straight for the things you want to do?” Once more, Shizuka proves her skills in analysis and risk management have their purpose as she scrapes together a plan to save them both. And she realizes it’s a long shot and asks Akira if he wants to risk it. She is making sure that unlike how he treated his friend Kencho earlier, that Akira has a choice.

In the end, the day is saved. Akira, Kencho, and Shizuka are walking away from the aquarium. She admonishes Akira once more for putting Kencho at risk, and Akira apologizes to Kencho, bringing the point about people consenting to the risks presented in their lives back to the forefront once again. But Shizuka, starting to warm up to Akira, finally gives him her contact information. In the next episode, Shizuka runs into Akira and Kencho once more. She wants to find a place that’s safe and sustainable, if such a place exists. Akira and Kencho want to head back to Akira’s hometown, Kanto’s best kept secret: Gunma. Since their interests align and they all had the same idea that using an RV would be the best way to manage long distance travel, they pick an RV out and start traveling together.

This plan literally hits some spike strips when it turns out Akira’s former abusive supervisor has started a colony of people that takes advantage of travelers to exploit their labor. Once again, someone selfishly serving only their own interests is presented as the villain. Hell, this very evil supervisor gets angry at Akira for trying to chill some beers as something kind to do for everyone. The good guy tries to help everyone around him, the bad guy only cares about himself and his own comfort. The show is drilling this theme home hard.

Akira falls into his old pre-zombie life habits due to the abuse coming from his supervisor and ends up being convinced he might actually want to just stay and keep working there instead of fulfilling his own dreams. He is once again saved by Shizuka with a rousing speech. She proclaims how it was Akira who opened her eyes and made her want to live for her own desires and not simply fold over to do what others want from her. Things then take a sharp turn as zombies accidentally are let loose and everyone runs around in a panic. Several people climb onto the tops of trucks, desperately trying to keep alive. Akira sees his old supervisor being chased by zombies. He could simply leave him to die. He could take his friends and try to find a way to escape alone. But he refuses to do any of that and saves everybody he can, even his horrible supervisor. “Standing by while someone’s about to be eaten by zombies isn’t on my bucket list.”

They manage to burn the zombies into a crisp due to Akira’s wild plan to corral the zombies around a food truck before lighting the natural gas inside of it, causing a massive explosion. Then he and Shizuka have this exchange. “Honestly, you’re always doing something crazy.”

“It wasn’t that great.”

“I wasn’t giving you a compliment”

They both laugh, making this moment stick out to me as well. At this point, the show has repeatedly shown that Shizuka’s point of view of wanting to focus on survival isn’t necessarily wrong, that having those ideas to balance out Akira simply jumping into situations thoughtlessly not only keeps him alive, but enables the entire trio to keep doing the things that make them happy. The show repeatedly also condemns those who do things purely for themselves, painting those that are selfish in that way as obvious villains. Zom 100 as a show does not agree with the thinking of people who are giving up any attempts at keeping others safe, selfishly pretending like life is “back to normal” when it’s not. The show has made it abundantly clear that while it is important to do what makes you happy, it should not come at the expense of others. That if risks have to be taken, we should all be allowed to consent to those risks, not having those choices taken away from us by the selfishness of others. That even doing things to stay safe, survive, and protect others, is something we should actively be doing as it brings joy to our lives as well as theirs.

The trio eventually makes it to Akira’s hometown, picking up a new friend to travel with them while having exciting adventures along the way. Gunma houses a group of people doing their best to bring others in, keep them safe, and foster a healthy sustainable community despite the dangers around them. This is the kind of thing COVID conscious people have dreamed of with plenty of them joking about the idea of somehow having a town and moving everyone there to form a community of people actively looking out for and caring about each other.

Gunma is upheld as the best of what we as humans can do for each other in the middle of a crisis. It reminds me of how at the beginning of all of this, people banded together to help one another, supported essential workers and those in healthcare, began serious discussions about universal healthcare, and more. How for one huge moment, despite the horrors taking place around us, hope swelled for the chance at a brighter future.

The villains of this arc are people who were outcasts in pre-zombie society that are set on getting revenge in some way by letting zombies into Gunma which would destroy the beautiful community being built. And that is where the series abruptly left us after episode 9, going into a hiatus due to production issues. I’m writing, recording, and editing this as the CDC warns we might once again be forced to ration care to those who are sick. As 15,000 people per week are hospitalized due to COVID-19 in the United States with 1000 of them dying weekly. In a world where every one in five adults reports having long covid. All of this devastation is taking place in one country alone, the numbers become even worse when viewed globally.

These thoughts and world events have all been swirling in my head while waiting for Zom 100 to hopefully return triumphantly from its hiatus and finally air episode 10. It is not lost on me that this series has had massive production issues in an era where shows like Uncle From Another World and NieR: Automata Ver1.1a both faced production issues due to COVID-19. Was COVID-19 a reason why Zom 100 was delayed? We may never know because if you look at the comments online to NieR: Automata’s announcement in particular, you can see just how many people said COVID was not a reasonable excuse. People selfishly saying their personal entertainment is more important than others being permanently disabled or even outright killed certainly puts that line of, “If I have to go on living without doing the things I want to do, I would rather be eaten by zombies” in a whole new context.

But that very cliffhanger the show has been hanging on is exactly like the precipice we find ourselves upon as we face this ongoing pandemic. I have not read the manga for Zom 100 and thus do not know how this arc will end, just as I am unsure what the future holds in the real world. I know what I hope to see happen in the story. I hope Akira and the gang will selflessly swoop in and do all they can to protect those they love, the community in Gunma, and all it stands for.

However, I cannot control how Zom 100’s story will conclude just as I cannot control the actions of others regarding the pandemic. It is entirely possible this arc will end in such a way that leaves me with even more complex feelings and questions to tackle than ever before, just as the pandemic has left me questioning all I knew about the innate kindness of people while witnessing how I and others like me have been treated throughout it.

But right now, I want to believe in the indomitable empathy and kindness I know humanity is capable of. I want to believe if we all work together, we will prevail over those who selfishly wish to put their own wants above all else. I will choose to continue doing my best to protect myself and others while building community because that is what truly makes me happy, just like Akira would want me to. Zom 100: Bucket List of the Dead has shown me how one person can inspire others to make great changes in their life to truly find happiness. I can only hope my words will inspire you the same way.

#anime #zom 100: bucket list of the dead #covidー19 #covid pandemic #covid is airborne #covid isn't over #covid is not over #video essay #zom 100: zombie ni naru made ni shitai 100 no koto #Youtube

10 notes · View notes

foreversecrets · 2 years ago

Text

Disgruntled Drysdales

Rogers Family Expansion

Pairing: Ransom Drysdale x Victoria (OC)

Summary: Things were going great, he was preparing to say the "L' word, so naturally it was time for everything to go to shit.

Though they’d gotten off to a hesitant start, once they started cohabitating Ransom and Tori found themselves comfortable with one another. About six months in he was nearly ready to use the ‘L’ word. IT surprised him how easy it was to be a husband, especially when he didn’t work and his wife willingly took on the breadwinner role. Not that he was cooking or cleaning around the house like a proper house husband, he hired people to handle those responsibilities, but he made an effort to always be home before her so he could welcome her home and assist in her decompressing from work as well as kissing her goodbye every morning. It inadvertently made him live a healthier life, he wasn’t staying out all night getting drunk or stoned, his schedule was pretty lax but improvement nonetheless. He woke up to his wife off for the day with a kiss and a cup of coffee, breakfast at one of his many siblings homes, spend a few hours at the gym, lunch with his shitty mother and step or other members of the Thrombey Family, and then head home to be with Tori. That was another massive change for him, he genuinely cared about Tori’s well being and happiness which was reciprocated without requirements or terms. Tori's harsh exterior could melt away and become relaxed, even playful when it was just the two of them. He’d never admit it to his siblings but he was grateful to his family for forcing him into this arrangement.

Victoria found herself in similar musings, she’d loved her life before but there was something about knowing someone who cared for you at home waiting for you to unload day and unwind together. It didn’t matter the capacity, it could be chilling and watching television together or fucking the day away. It has surprised her to learn Ransom’s mommy issue had manifested as a kink, where this grumpy man turned into a bottom in the bedroom, something Victoria adapted to once she cleared the air about not wanting to actually become a mother. His relief and willingness to ensure they didn’t have kids but could play in the bedroom however they decided. It was the final nail in Tori’s coffin, she could no longer state she didn’t love her husband.

A year into marriage that happiness was threatened when Tori went to see the doctor. She had had a cold her doctor prescribed antibiotics for but a month later she was starting to feel sick again and was concerned something more serious might be wrong with her. As a concerned husband, Ransom accompanied her to the appointment where the doctor ordered some tests to be run.

“Good news, you aren't sick but you are pregnant,” the doctor's smile immediately dropped at the expecting parents' reactions. Ransom’s face reddened, his whole body tense while Tori was completely frozen, like she wasn’t present in the moment.

“I’m on birth control and we always use protection.”

“Birth control isn’t always 100%, it was probably negated by the antibiotics you were previously on. As for condoms: they break, they expire, they can be faulty, or applied correctly.”

“Ransom?” Tori looked up to her husband, fighting back angry tears that wanted to fall. But instead of receiving the supportive husband she needed, she was faced with the cold version of Hugh Drysdale, the man who was normally reversed for visits to his mothers family.

“What are our options?” There was no emotion in his voice as he put space between himself and Tori, like her condition was contagious and he’d catch it if he stood too close.

“Um … there’s-”

“Thank you for your assistance. I will be keeping my child.” Tori snapped, gathering her clothes, escaping from the examination room.

She found sanctuary in the restroom where she practically ripped the paper examine gown off, tossed it to the floor and collapsed on top of it finally letting her tears fall. Looking down at her flat stomach and crying even harder. How was this fair? Annie was actually trying to have a kid and it kept resulting in miscarriages not to mention the difficulties getting pregnant in the first place and here she was accidentally pregnant not knowing what to do. She knew what Ransom wanted, what they both had agreed on but that was no longer an option. Their family of two would never be that again, regardless of the decisions that followed. If she aborted or put the kid up for adoption she’d never have peace again she would be consumed with the what ifs and pain of terminating the pregnancy or full of concern over the child's life once she signed away her rights. She’d had students who made those choices and the mental turmoil they endured for months after the fact was ever prevalent in her mind, so no, she wouldn’t choose either of those options. They’d fucked up and now she would endure the consequences either with her husband or alone. Raising the kid herself she knew she had the financial means to provide for the kid and they would be given every opportunity to succeed.

Did she want to have a baby? No. Did she want to give it away? No. Did she want to terminate the pregnancy? No.

“Babe, open the door.” Ransom’s angry voice came through the door, snapping her out of her self pity. “We need to talk about this!”

No, she wasn’t ready to talk. She got dressed, washed her tear streaked face and exited the bathroom where Ransom was waiting for her. He opened his mouth to speak but she put her hand up to stop him. “Dont. I don’t want to talk about this right now. I’m still processing and your anger isn’t helping.”

“Of course I’m-”

She couldn’t handle him right now, she walked past him pulling out her phone and ordering an uber, Ransom trailed behind her. She’d handled him mad before, that was him anytime he was around his mother but right now she was vulnerable and full of her own self hate. She kissed his cheek throwing him off guard long enough for her to get into the uber and drive off.

She went to Juliana; she'd become close to the other mafia born wife of the Rogers since she herself joined the family given their commonalities in upbringing. Though the two of them were close but Jewls was unpredictable. She needed to talk to someone about the pregnancy that was objective, granted she didn’t know how Jewls would react but she was her best bet. None of the siblings had kids yet, with the exception of Frank and Daphne who were raising Mary so she could have theoretically gone to anyone but Annie and Steve. But she choose Jewls because of their connection and Ransom’s fear of the psycho woman who he was convince would one day murder him.

Jewls wasn’t expecting company but as always she welcomed Tori in with open arms, the two getting comfortable on the couch with a bottle of wine. The refusal of a wine glass sent Tori into a spiral as she confessed everything to her friend.

“You are the one who has to live with whatever decision is made and if Ransom fights you on it let me know.” Jewls put her hands together and wiggled her fingers. “Lloyd bought me a sexy new sniper, I’d be happy to give it a trail run on your husband.”

“You’re not killing my brother.” Lloyd signed entering the room with a bag of peanuts. He dropped a kiss to his wife's forehead and plopped down in the arm chair. “He occasionally deserves your ire but he is family.”

“Baby,” Jewls purred, an evil flint in her eyes. “How would you react if I said I was pregnant?”

Lloyd choked on the peanut he tossed in the air to catch with his mouth, Jewls bursting into laughter while Lloyd coughed and tried to dislodge the small nut from his esophagus. “I thought we agreed to wait, Princess?” Recovering from choking he didn’t give a shit about Tori seeing the softer side of himself he reversed solely for his wife.

“Relax, I’m not but your asshole brother blew up. You at least tried to be composed, whereas Ransom nearly demanded an abortion on the spot without even considering Tori.”

Relieved he wasn’t the problem he relaxed back into his chair as his wife had instructed. “Congrats?” he asked Tori. “Are we happy or not?”

“I don’t know,” she confessed, pressing on her temples to try and ease the stress headache that had formed.

“Well would you be okay killing it?” Lloyd asked simply, Tori shook her head. “What about having someone else raise it?” another head shake. “Well there you go mommy/”

“Gross, don’t call me that!” Tori groaned, finally laughing. “Only Ransom calls me that.”

It was Lloyd’s turn to cringe in disgust, “Great now I have to put a bullet in my head.”

“You set yourself up for that,” Jewls laughed. “You can stay here if you’d like tonight.”

“Thanks but I should go home and talk to Ransom, but I will probably be back.”

The Drysdale’s had had minor disagreements and spate throughout their marriage but never as bad as they fight that ensured that night when Tori returned home. She confided that she wasn’t happy about the situation but now that she was pregnant she was going to raise this child with or without him. Ransom’s choice taken from him without regard for his thoughts or arguments was reminiscent of how his family had treated him only enraging him further. It's like he could just not be involved, by the contact of their marriage they were required to reside together 8 months out of the year. And he was always home so that put the majority of the responsibilities on his shoulder. A point he mentioned that she wanted him to fulfill but his opposition had her countering with hiring a nanny.

That night Ransom slept on the couch, unable to reason or resolve things with his wife. Several weeks he spent sleeping on that couch he’d previously loved but now despised before they moved into a two bedroom place and Tori started sleeping on an air mattress in what would be the nursery, leaving their bed for him. His hard demeanor nearly cracked at the nonverbal act of care for his well being, even while their marriage was on the rocks. Then her baby bump began to show and his frustration was reinvigorated, his stubbornness winning out.

He found himself falling back into old habits of drugs and alcohol but try as he might, he couldn’t bring himself to revert into his manwhore ways. The thought of him sleeping with someone who wasn’t his wife was unappealing which left him unable to perform even while indulging in porn. Which was probably for the best, if their current estrangement could be overcome cheating would have ultimately been the straw to fully break their marriage.

Throughout Tori’s pregnancy his brothers and their partners were the ones to support and care for Tori, even trying to reason with Ransom but he was unphased.

It was during the third trimester he decided he didn’t want to lose Tori, he still wasn’t sure how to handle the baby situation but he decided to take things one step at a time. To get back into his wife's food graces he had Curtis assist him in preparing the nursery and building all the furniture Tori had ordered. In doing so, Ransom discovered he was having twin daughters. For the first time in his life, Ransom pushed past his anger and continued the task listening to his older brother for how Tori had wanted the nursery painted. Apparently the twins would be identical so in an effort to not confuse the two Tori had a set color scheme: baby 1 would be pink and green while baby 2 would be purple and yellow. Combinations he wouldn’t have personally chosen but then he saw the linens of soft yellows with lavender and then bubble gum pink with blue-green linens and found it worked.

The happiness on his huge wifes face as she waddled toward him and threw her arms around him have been the reward for his efforts. The night they resumed sleeping in their bed together, things weren’t as tense, their relationship was being repaired but Tori was mindful of his continued hesitance and tried to avoid discussing the topics. Ransom tried to be better, not able to stomach the idea of losing her. He would check in with her, rub her back, and assist her in shaving as she’d grown too big to do so herself.

It wasn’t until Tori finally gave birth and Ransom was holding one of his two daughters while Tori breastfed the other that a switch flipped within him. He suddenly found himself fully devoted to Sophia and Penelope Drysdale, the surge of bliss that filled his heart as he held his daughter brought tears to his eyes. Holding his daughter to his bare chest as Tori’s audio book had advised he felt the bond forming that it had said would, he knew he’d protect them even over his wife and himself. All it took was one look and one touch and he was at the mercy of the two girls who couldn’t even feed themselves. He was ready and willing to be the stay-at-home dad that Tori had initially wanted but now he was ready to be all in. So much that Tori couldn’t help smirking when Ransom had to hand Sophie over to be fed and instantly started pouting.

“All those months of animosity and all I had to do was put a baby in your hands.” Tori said softly as she positioned Sophie to feed and Ransom got Penny comfortable in his arms.

“No, I think it would have made things worse but these girls ….” he trailed off.

“They have your beautiful blues.”

“I think they are going to take after you though.”

Penny fell asleep easily in his arms, he was content to hold her there but when Sophie fell asleep and he registered the exhaustion on his wifes face he resigned himself to tucking both babies into the bassinets.

Tori gave him a goofy smile, eyes closed. “Ran?” her voice only contributes to her tired state. “I love you.”

It was the first time either had said those words and he wasn’t even sure she was fully awake, he didn’t want to diminish the moment so he simply kissed her forehead with a personal vow to tell her first thing when she woke up. Adding on that none of his girls would ever go to bed again without hearing those words, nor would they ever be separated without knowing how much they were cared for.

Ransom was reformed. He was a dad now and nothing had ever been so appealing as taking on the responsibility of raising and showing his daughter how loved they were so they would never have the family discord he had with his own mother.

19 notes · View notes

starlene · 2 years ago

Text

Some Titanic thoughts after seeing the 25th Anniversary Rerelease!

Thought number 1: about being a Titanic fan

Back when I first fell in love with Titanic, the backlash was pretty much at its height.

I became interested in the history of the real ship immediately after finishing the movie. I also immediately found out that if you wanted to be taken seriously in online communities centered around the historical Titanic, you couldn’t admit that you liked the movie, and to be taken seriously as a person in general, you also couldn’t admit that you liked it. It was just the absolute epitome of cringe back then. People don’t fall in love like that in two days, it’s so stupid~

And I just want to say that remembering all that nonsense makes me so glad that we’ve moved past that!!

I love that even serious history nerds can say they like the movie these days – and why shouldn’t we. James Cameron is clearly one of the most committed Titanic nerds of all time; he’s gone on record saying that the movie was an elaborate excuse for him to dive to the wreck. We could’ve had a big successful movie set on the Titanic directed by someone who only wanted a dramatic historical backdrop for their story and didn’t care about the details – but instead, we got a movie made by a Titanic nerd, with lots and lots of goodies for other Titanic nerds. And I’m also grateful that these days, you can mention Titanic being your favourite movie without people literally rolling their eyes at you.

Now, if only we could shut down the eternal “would they have both fit on that door” debate, then I would be perfectly content...

Thought number 2: about the romance

Personally, I’m as asexual as they come, and usually, I’m not especially excited about fictional love stories – with a handful of rather dark and/or tragic exceptions, because sometimes, you just gotta stare into the darkness and think about desire and death and heartbreak for a while. Yet I adore this movie, and always have. Of course, it fits the tragic bill... but at least at this point in my life, I don’t enjoy the romance because of the tragedy. Instead, to me, it’s all about the light; all about Rose’s character arc.

Presumably, Jack is the first person who ever sees Rose for who she is, instead of what they want her to be – and that, having a person she can safely be herself with, even if it’s only for two and a half days, gives Rose the courage and determination to live the rest of her life on her own terms. But for Rose to grow into the woman she’s destined to become, she also has to lose Jack. It’s only via being forced to stand on her own two feet, without anyone around to push her or to hold her hand, that she unlocks her full potential. Seeing those photos of her life at the end feels so rewarding somehow – she survived, and then she learned to thrive. I love that for her.

In a nutshell: to me, the appeal of this love story is that it’s also a story about a woman realising her full potential. Also, the feeling of being with someone you can be 100% yourself with is a powerful, lovely thing, no matter whether you experience it in a romantic or a platonic or familial or whatever context, so that speaks to me too.

Thought number 3: what makes me cry

I guess it’s because I was touched by the way they portrayed him in the musical, but I found myself paying close attention to First Officer Murdoch today, and I feel like my perspective of the movie’s portrayal of him changed a little. I’ve always interpreted it as pretty negative (and I know there were complaints about his characterisation when the movie was first released), but this time... dunno, the character just felt more human and sympathetic to me than he ever has before. I managed not to cry for the entire sinking, but then, spotting Murdoch in the finale right next to Thomas Andrews hit me with an unexpected force, and there I was again.

Good thing I wasn’t alone with my feelings, though: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a queue to a ladies’ room look so distraught than after this showing. I guess when you’re a fan of this movie (and I bet everyone who found their way to a 12:30 showing on a Friday was), it just always finds its way into your heart, no matter how many times you’ve seen it.

I feel like in general, the older I get, the more works of fiction make me cry. What’s up with that?

#I have a somewhat weird relationship with this movie #I love it to bits and it's my forever number one favourite... but I also watched it only once between the 2012 and 2023 rereleases #I guess a little of it on the big screen (with a side of some nice gifsets sprinkled on the Tumblr dash) really goes a long way #I don't need to watch it often to always hold it close to my heart #personal.#Titanic

17 notes · View notes

thec0untry · 2 years ago

Text

I am Sitting under the darkening summer sky drinking irish breakfast tea smoking winston menthol 100s, until we move into our apartment i will probably continue smoking constantly because it makes me feel like i have a forcefield around me, like a foothold in the constantly shifting anonymity of the house i’m living in right now. I think this tumblr page is serving a similar purpose. It is july 7, 8:55pm, i can hear some fireworks echoing far off. I got off of work at 9am, woke at 7pm or so. Bowl of oatmeal and instant espresso. I haven't been able to listen to much other than Advance Base for the past week, owen's lyrics instill in me the greatest gratitude for the incomprehensible size of life, the multitudes of lives happening all simultaneously and the even greater multitudes of shapes those same lives will take on in the future. The shapes my own life will take on, the shape it is now. All of these stories of melancholic loss and change, families and friends, relationships that don't have any easy label. These albums give me so much gratitude for my life and so much sweet, quiet excitement for the future, the places i will live, the people i will meet, the loves that will come and go (or maybe arrive and stay forever). I'm three weeks into my new job, it is becoming monotonous, this isn't a bad thing right now. I think i will value this time greatly in the future, and that makes me value it much more right now. Most worknights i dream of the future and of the past. I think about my old girlfriend, what she is to me now, try to get a three-dimensional view of her place in me. I think of my friends who i love and will probably love more in the future once i am more settled. I think of travel, of going to chicago alone later this year. Maybe i'll fly out for an advance base show if it lines up, i've been wanting to see him since i was 17. After the show, or on the other nights i'm there, i'll go to a bar that i'll find on google maps, one in the university area, i remember walking around there when i was 15 or so, i'll bring a book, i could see something by barbara comyns or muriel spark hitting nicely there, or maybe something more serious. Maybe then i'll read iris murdoch. It is silly to say but i dream of meeting someone there, a new chicago person, somehow we'll hit it off and talk for a long time and be moved by each other. Maybe they're there with friends and we'll all be drunk and laughing and i will lose the handle on reality in the way that only sudden and intuitive social connections can feel. Isn't everyone in a city that is not their own always quietly dreaming of things like that? The last time i was in chicago was with my old girlfriend. It was her birthday, her phone broke and it ended up being sort of messed up but if i remember correctly we had a very nice time all the same. Chicago is my land of dreams, going there to visit family when i was young, going there when i was falling in love with my old girlfriend in the summer of 2017. I was still roaringly medicated then so i can't remember all of it, but there are splashes of walking by the university, and seeing family on some strange farm in michigan. I remember the gray skies and greenery. I remember feeling life expand. There are some other things. i remember thinking of her. Off chicago. At work i dream of the places i will live in the future, of the apartment or house i'll be moving into in a few months (it may come sooner than expected). I dream of setting it up, making it feel serene and exactly perfect for me right now. I will probably be making more money by then, i have these images in my head of different perfume bottles, from tea rose to varying comme des garcons, surrounding the base of an antique lamp (i keep seeing beautiful, inexpensive lamps at antique stores) on a small round dark wooden table. I see a bedframe low to the ground with a mattress in white bedclothes. The way it will all smell, the mess of incense and perfume and whatever candles i'm into by then.

I dream of the cities and towns i will live in. Will i return to new york? The question is always there, but i have very few ideas of what it would look like. The thought can make me feel powerless, the way new york did during my month there this year. But i know to trust the expansiveness and unpredictability of experience. Perhaps if i begin bartending, then such places will open themselves to me, both in expense and in feeling. I will be older. I could go on forever. There is always so much to dream of. I do not know why i have been writing so much on this site lately. But when i begin to feel lost and deflated, it feels very good to come here and write it all out. The screen door just slammed, someone is home. I will go have another cigarette and maybe more tea.

4 notes · View notes

treesap-blogs · 2 years ago

Text

FIREKEEPERS DAUGHTER REVIEW! A few days late and I wrote it late at night still emotional and processing the book with minimal revisions made since then lol please have mercy

Greetings, Tumblrians! I can say with complete confidence that this account has for sure become a book review account! Aaa. Not what I anticipated, had to change up my bio order a bit. This book, Firekeeper’s Daughter, is the first thriller that I’ve ever read(beginning to end at least), which made it a bit of an intense one to get through (especially when 100 pages in I’d forgotten most of the summary, thought I was reading a romance and got confused, and then the character I’d gotten the most attached to got murdered lmao?!?!).

Now first things first, this is probably one of the only books (that I’ve read) that I can call a page-turner! I have ADHD, so my attention span is a little faulty when it comes to reading or watching stuff unless I’m super invested in it. A lot of books that reviewers say are “impossible to put down” were unfortunately ones where I could do literally just that, even if the writing quality was admirable. (Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao is one of the only other ones I can think of that goes against that, finishing it within 2 November days was what kickstarted my love of reading again! Without it I would not have this blog💕.) But within a week(actually, a little less than that if I’m remembering correctly), I was about halfway through! Daunis’s integration of her heritage and the Ojibwe teachings passed down to her into her investigation, as well as the richness of Boulley’s writing and my genuine investment in both Daunis Fontaine and the meth-related rabbit hole she found herself in, was what kept me trudging through all of the difficult content throughout. Then, the period in which I’d borrowed this book had expired, as this was meant to be something to read for my free time in ELA, but the teacher had a very strange schedule with trying to be both easy on us and get our current unit done so it meant that we couldn’t finish our choice books. Thus, I hadn’t actually had the chance to pick it up in months, the last time I’d read some of it being in about October of 2022. So this is probably the one with the strangest reading schedule of my current covered stories.

Also, some people are gonna be indifferent to the “Secret Squirrel” stuff, others are gonna hate it, I was in the former crowd. The gimmick got predictable after the first few times but considering this was the first time I’d read a book that was this font of intense, I didn’t mind it that much.

It definitely also gets more intense the further along you go. That’s where I began having some issues with how, in the midst of all of the serious topics covered in this, SA was written and described?? Not that it was glorifying anything, it certainly was not, but.. in the case of Grant, it felt like just a way to make him seem more like a villain(and therefore, one other character, whose mention would technically be a spoiler but they’re directly related). While those scenes were (thankfully) brief, and weren’t gratuitous(but they did..get particularly graphic), it was distressing to see them included. I do wish that this was one of the books I’d read that had trigger/content warnings on the first page for that reason(some of the ones published in the last 3 or so years, like Iron Widow or Blood Scion, have done that). It leaves a bit of an icky aftertaste in my mouth.

To change topics! I did like how Daunis’ struggle of secrecy, as well as her kind of living a “double life'' at multiple points was handled. Particularly, the conflict within her family was written really well. A lot of the guilt she had surrounding her parents and how they turned out due to her conception and life hit me hard??? There’s a line that really gut-punched me on page 394: “Children are never to blame for their parents’ lives. Parents are the adults; we are the ones responsible for our choices and how we handle things … If I’m in limbo, it’s because I chose to remain there. Even inaction is a powerful choice.” (Boulley, 394.) (Okay, fine, maybe I just wanted to have an excuse to quote that.)

WE’RE ENTERING SPOILER TERRITORY NOW! Parameters will be marked if you want to skrrt around it.

I don’t know how anyone else felt about the romance between Daunis and Jamie (I’ll make sure to check out some reviews afterwards!), but it just made me feel uneasy? I get that Jamie was supposed to be a (young) rookie investigator, one making up for the dent left in his record at that, but it was incredibly unprofessional for him to start a relationship with a (slightly) younger woman he was meant to only work alongside (and also had to technically teach how all the FBI things worked due to her being really new to this and only there for this specific investigation). Not that there was really much of a mentor-trainee dynamic there, Boulley made it pretty clear they’re on similar levels intellectually, but..still. Felt a little sketchy! I could understand Ron’s concerns, and I’m glad Daunis addressed some of those issues towards the end of the novel.

Anyhow! Some people in the reviews I’d read halfway through felt that Daunis’ recurring grief didn’t really feel impactful, as they didn’t feel emotionally attached to Lily, but I..actually did? She was the character in the first paragraph of this review I was mentioning vaguely. Perhaps I’m biased, due to some stuff I was sorting out emotionally at the time, but I do feel like it could be justified with the writing itself; We got a good idea of her personality, her importance to and relationship with Daunis, and some of her past(which would be part of the plot later on). And it doesn’t feel rushed(at least in my opinion); the first 100 pages or so of this book is meant to be a lighthearted introduction to our main character and her life, not the mystery we as the readers are about to be entangled in along with her. Yet. (And when shit hits the fan it feels like the kind of whiplash our protagonist got hit with.) While Daunis was a fairly reasonable person and so was Lily a lot of the time, Lily had a more upbeat and sarcastic part of herself that contrasted with her friend(and made their dynamic really work, I think). The pair interacted basically like sisters. I could see why Daunis was left emotionally and mentally scarred after what had happened to her. (And I did tear up a little bit at that brief scene in the afterlife.) (If anyone who’s read the book is reading this now though, please let me know what you thought!)

Last bit of criticism I have: For the final reveal of the masterminds behind the drug distribution inside the trailer, I felt it got..a little bit too “villain monologue”y? Fine, it’s a staple of the mystery genre, but the way that there’s just. Snide remark after smirk and every step of the timeline spelled out in a very know-it-all manner by Mike got annoying after being placed in an extremely serious story that grounds itself pretty intensely in reality. (I think it’s mildly funny that Levi was quite literally the “weakest link” though, and that one argument after the party didn’t just have an insult thrown in out of nowhere kshdhfomefo.)

Also, were the deaths of some of the other students ever explained??!! Was it a side effect or intentional? I can’t remember if that thread was left unresolved or if there’s something I’m forgetting.

END OF SPOILERS!

So, in conclusion, would I recommend this book? Most likely. Just be careful about the kind of story you’re going in for, and the kind of content that will be included. I feel it’s a little packed; it’s like Boulley really wanted to use this novel as a way to talk about not just some of her own experiences as an indigenous woman, and help people outside of her culture learn a bit more about it, but also tackle issues within her community; all within a narrative that already has a lot of elaborate threads going on(with the family drama/history and the mystery itself)! It is her debut novel, however, so she’ll have the chance to continue to grow as an author(and this was a well-written book albeit not without flaws!).

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/5.

Paz, signing off!

(Book trigger/content warnings: SA in both frequent mentions, and scenes on page 226-228 and 370-371(latter is worse in content), racism, including 2 instances of slurs(used by indigenous characters themselves but aren’t reclaimed), grief, PTSD, typical thriller stuff like drugging and kidnapping.)

#booklr #book talk #book review

2 notes · View notes

mzminola · 4 years ago

Text

Community

Straight and cisgender people being part of the broader queer community is good in a variety of ways, and the example from my own life is growing up queer in a small town with parents who were supportive before either they or I knew I was queer.

My mom and dad grew up in Berkeley CA and were involved through their youths in a variety of extremely nerdy things like the Society of Creative Anachronism, Dungeons & Dragons (and a Star Trek inspired sci-fi variation), theater, etc. Within those groups, and other parts of their lives, they had a lot of queer friends.

They moved around a lot as adults, and this was the pre-internet era so staying in touch was harder, and even when they stayed in touch they didn’t necessarily see people in person much. I wound up growing up in a small liberal town in western WA. Statistically, due to the small population, I just did not know any out queer adults in my hometown when I was growing up. There was no GSA at the school, either.

But for years I had stories of queer adults, long before I ever knew I needed them. I never once worried my parents wouldn’t accept my bisexuality, because I was so very used to my parents talking about queer friends of theirs who were giant nerds, with the exact same fondness and nostalgia as all their other friends. Stories of queer-specific shenanigans were told alongside all the other shenanigans.

We had semaphore flags in the costume playtime box because Dad’s a nautical history nerd, and we had big motorcycle goggles designed to fit over chunky glasses because Mom used to catch rides around the Bay Area with lesbian biker friends. That blend and casualness was just a normal part of my childhood.

I learned from stories of my parents’ friends that you could take stereotypes and turn them into in-jokes; gay friends playing backyard baseball or catch or other sports totally flubbing a throw, and heckling each other with “What’s the matter honey, your wrists too limp?”

I learned about the AIDS epidemic, of the loss, the grief, the stigma, and of the ways people fought back. Supported each other. I learned a lot more when I was older from queer adult survivors of the epidemic online, but I learned first from my parents, who were still grieving friends they lost.

This was not distant history, this was not something that happened to “other people” this was something that happened to their community.

My father’s mother’s brother is gay. My great uncle. He raises tropical birds. When he was a much younger man than he is now, the signaling style of wearing a diamond earring in one ear was starting. Now, at the time, most men to wear a diamond earring as a signal of their sexuality wore very small, discreet flecks. Just this little flash of light that might catch your eye, that might make you look again.

Great Uncle inherited his mother’s engagement ring, took that honking big “look at me and admire how I got engaged! Look at me, look at me!” diamond to the jeweler, and got that sucker turned into an earring. You could not fucking miss it.

And you know what? That’s how I learned about queer signaling as a thing people could do, it was presented as a fun family story, and I wouldn’t have heard it if not for my parents, because Great Uncle lives in a completely different part of the country from us and doesn’t travel much, so I’ve only met him twice, during which everyone was catching up on current life, not stories of his youth.

When my mom, dad, and their friends were all young adults who’d recently left home and were living in a different state from their families, one of their friends was a butch gay man who’d recently come out to his parents. And his mom wanted to be supportive, and she was a person who sewed clothes herself. So she made him shirts. She had his measurements, and she’d regularly mail him care packages with beautifully hand-made button up shirts in pink and purple fabrics. Because those were the gay colors at the time, and she wanted to make sure he knew she supported everything about him, that she would never want him to change himself to fit in society’s mold.

Now the thing was, pink and purple were not actually to his taste. They were not colors he’d normally pick out for himself. But he and his parents didn't live in the same state anymore, this was pre-Internet, if you wanted to share photos you had to take them, develop the film, and mail them. So she wasn’t seeing his style regularly, she was seeing the style of the out gay men back in the Bay Area, and doing her best.

He wore the shirts. He was running around the Oregon countryside as a butch gay man in the early 1980’s in pink and purple button ups, because his mom made them for him with love, he loved her too.

So I heard this story growing up, and I learned from it. I learned parents could love and wholly support their queer children long before I ever heard about parents who rejected theirs. I learned love is in the actions we take. That it’s going to be imperfect, but what matters is we’re trying our best, and accepting that from each other.

I’m bisexual, and I’ve got some weird gender stuff going on. I did not know any out queer adults in my hometown growing up. I did not find any writings until the early 2000’s when the Internet became more accessible. My school did not have a GSA.

But I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew pieces of west coast queer culture and history. I knew queer people could be giant nerds, could be outdoorsy, could be silly and serious and fully rounded people with rich, wonderful lives. That their friends and family could accept them wholly without hesitation. Because what was there to hesitate over?

I’ve said before my hometown is liberal, and it is, but it still had enough prejudice to keep me semi-closeted as a teen. I had peers insist to me that “a child needs a mother and a father”, had adults insist civil unions were fine but marriage equality would violate religious freedoms, heard peers use “gay” as an insult from late elementary school onwards (and the teachers just ignoring it).

I needed all those stories from my childhood. I needed them. And I had them. Without ever having to ask.

And my brother had them too. He’s straight and cisgender, and he has never been anything but 100% supportive of me. He was arguing for equal rights and refusing to use the derogatory language peers were before I ever came out to him.

When I see people trying to gatekeep the queer community, this is what I think of. I think of being a kid in a small town, without knowing any local out queer adults, hearing people around me say bigoted things, but having all these stories burning in the hearth of my heart, and I think…

You want to douse that flame?

You want to reach back in time and wrench those stories from the child I was?

You’d rather I grow up isolated, confused, lonely, and scared, than have my straight, cisgender parents in the queer community? You want me to be isolated now, you want my brother to abandon me?

Really?

Identity and community are intertwined, but they are not rigid, nor should they be.

Community being broader is good.

#long post #queer tag #queer community #AIDS mention #fuck gatekeeping #Min and their entire family are all giant nerds #my dad's family just does NOT do subtle #this essay has been in the works for a while now #Min writes stuff #edited to change the last sentence from #community being the broader of the two is good #to just #community being broader is good

8K notes · View notes

honeypiehotchner · 4 years ago

Text

Version of You (Hotch x Fem!Reader) — one shot

Call 1-800-799-7233 if you think you are in danger/a victim of domestic violence, or visit this website for resources, live chat, and more (for the USA). This is a link to the wikipedia page that has international resources.

(I wanted to put that first because this fic deals with an abusive relationship and some scenes show the abuse. If you relate to any this, please seek help via the resources above. I want desperately to say my DMs are open, but for my own mental wellbeing, I have to let you know that the resources that I give above are about all I can do to help. You’re welcome to DM me if needed, but please know that it might take me a minute to reply, and I still will point you in the direction of resources that can better help you. I love and support and am with every single one of you, but I can only do so much through a screen xx.)

This is 100% a comfort fic, but I am safe and okay, I promise 💛 (Truthfully, this was really therapeutic to write.)

Small note: mental and verbal abuse is depicted here, not physical (though it does come close), but I wanted to remind you that just because abuse isn’t physical doesn’t mean it’s not harmful or real. Mental and verbal abuse is still abuse.

Summary: Hotch helps you find the courage within you to end your abusive relationship for good.

Warnings: depiction of an abusive relationship, verbal/mental abuse, violence (domestic and otherwise), angst, happy ending

Hotch Masterlist

Aaron is stunned and disappointed to find you’re still at your desk when he walks out of his office at the grand hour of 8 p.m.

You don’t even hear his office door open or close, but you do hear his footsteps on the stairs. By the time he reaches your desk to say goodnight, you’re already attempting to cover up any traces of emotion on your cheeks.

But Aaron is a profiler. On top of that, though, he’s one of your best friends. He’s known you for six years now, and given how much time the BAU members spend together on cases, he’d argue he knows every single person here better than they know themselves.

You’d agree. You hardly know who you are anymore. But somehow, Aaron knows. Aaron can see.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, already setting his bag down, already pulling a chair over, already sitting next to you.

You’re ready to tell him it’s nothing, to tell him to get home to Jack, that it isn’t important — but it is.

You’ve been with your current partner for almost eight years. Anyone would hear that and ask if marriage is on the horizon, or children, or something of the sort. But not Aaron. Because Aaron can see the pain in your eyes.

Truthfully, he’s seen that pain in your eyes for the past two years. Maybe more.

But recently, it’s gotten worse. A lot worse.

You’re on a “break” with your partner. Whatever a “break” even means, because you still receive phone calls and texts from them all day. You send the calls to voicemail unless you absolutely aren’t doing anything, and the texts you reply to with one word.

Going home is fine because your partner is gone — for now. Work called them away, so you’re home alone for at least another three days, but you expect they’ll want you to pick them up from the airport.

You’ve never longed for a case the way you’re longing for one right now.

This “break” has been easiest because your partner has been gone. You know if they were here, it wouldn’t have been a break at all.

“It’s made me realize that I...I want a break. A real break.”

“You want to break up,” Aaron says it for you, knowing you’re too afraid.

Your hesitant nod confirms this for him. “I do. I think I really do.”

Aaron has known the relationship hasn’t been the healthiest. You don’t open up about your personal life that much at work — you never have — but it has always been telling that you never go out for drinks with the team. And when you did, you’d have to answer texts every ten minutes. Your partner never accepted an invite to join the team for drinks or dinner, but would often get angry at you for being out, as if you hadn’t tried to invite them.

Raised voices, broken glass. Not a single hand was ever laid on you. No, instead, it was a wine glass your mom gifted to you when you graduated college when your partner was angry that you had gone out for drinks with the team after a difficult case. A coffee mug you gifted your partner for their birthday faced the brunt of their anger when you didn’t reply to a text message fast enough — because you were parking your car in the garage. Plates, picture frames. A coffee table once, three years ago. It had been a house warming present.

But they’ve never hurt me, you always argue — only with yourself. No one knows the truth, that you clean up after their outbursts, that you’re grateful to have some knowledge of first aid so you can tend to your cuts from the broken glass, or so that you could stitch up your partner’s hand with ease, because hospitals are expensive and the excuses you’d have to fabricate even more so.

They always apologize. Which is true. Apologies are frequent in your house. Sometimes verbal, sometimes in the form of flowers either on your desk at the BAU (that only Hotch seems to notice with a sad smile) or left on the counter at home. Sometimes, rarely, a fancy dinner and some gift, usually a necklace.

“If you need any help at all,” Aaron says, looking you in your eyes, carefully, intently. “I’m here. For anything.”

“Thanks,” you murmur. Your stomach rumbles loudly in the silence, making you chuckle awkwardly.

“Hungry?” He jokes, but is half serious. “I was planning to get something on the way home, if you’d like to join.”

You think it over for a moment. Your mind immediately jumps to say no because you think your partner is home...but they aren’t.

“Sure,” you say. “Why not. What’s on the menu?”

You gather your things and Hotch waits patiently, rattling off some ideas for food to eat until one grabs your attention.

Your phone buzzes with a text. Where are you?

Aaron notices your change in posture with a sigh. “Is that them?”

You nod slowly. “Asking where I am.” You quickly type back, Still at the BAU.

The reply is almost immediate, as always. Just checking. Love you.

Relief washes over you as you type back, Love you too.

Aaron doesn’t like what he sees. The panic that surges through you just from a text message, making you stand up straight, hold your breath, clench your jaw. Then the relief that relinquishes you when a reply comes and it isn’t negative for once. The sudden changes, the way your emotions are yanked back and forth. He hates it.

But he doesn’t mention it. Instead, he says, “Ready?” And waits for you to smile.

+++

Hotch really doesn’t mean for dinner with you to turn into somewhat of a routine. But it does.

It’s brought more smiles to your face than Hotch thinks he has ever seen in the past six years. And for that, he doesn’t regret the dinners.

Neither do you, until the worst thing that could possibly happen ends up happening one night, three weeks since the first dinner.

Your partner is going out with friends, so you think you’re in the clear to get dinner with Aaron. And when your partner asks where you are again, you say you’re still at the BAU. You were, but you and Aaron were in the elevator to leave when you sent that message.

The two of you grab dinner at one of your favorite spots, at a table outside because the weather is perfect, the sky is clear, and stars are beginning to show. It’s magical. Until it’s a nightmare.

“Well, well, well.”

The voice sends shivers down your spine. They’re supposed to be out with friends.

Aaron automatically stands, shoulders squared and face set. He’s wearing his gun, and you are, too, but you’d never use it on your partner. You can’t say the same about Hotch, though, and that terrifies you.

“Babe,” you say with a smile, and Hotch tenses, hearing the pet name fall so easily form your lips. “What are you doing here? I thought you were going out with your friends?”

Your partner crosses their arms over their chest. “And I thought you were still at work.”

“We are,” Hotch speaks up, startling you. “We’re discussing a case.”

Your partner looks around, raising their eyebrows. “I don’t see any papers.”

“Because we went digital five years ago,” Hotch replies coolly. “But aside from that, a federal investigation is none of your business.”

You swallow thickly, waiting for your partner’s reply.

But to your surprise, they only nod. “I understand, sir. I was only checking.”

Hotch holds back a scoff, but instead returns the nod. “If you’ll excuse us.”

Your partner holds their hands up in surrender. “Of course.”

“I’ll see you at home,” you say quickly. “Love you.”

“See you at home,” they reply, making you frown as they turn and walk away.

When you look back at Hotch, you nearly scream. It takes everything in you not to make the hugest scene right there, outside this nice restaurant, underneath these stars.

Your phone buzzes. One hour. Do not be late.

“Y/N—”

“Don’t,” you say quietly. “Just. Don’t, Hotch.”

+++

The next day, you knock on Hotch’s office door, twenty dollar bill in hand to pay him back for your dinner last night. You left in a hurry and didn’t get to pay. Thankfully, at least, arriving home with forty minutes to spare saved you from an even worse reaction from your partner.

“For dinner last night,” you mumble, sliding the twenty across Hotch’s desk. “Thank you.”

As you turn on your heel to leave, Hotch calls out to you. “I’m sorry.”

You sigh. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Aaron says, making you turn back around. “I hope you’re...alright.”

You’re so very far from being “alright” that you almost laugh. Instead, you shrug. “It’s been worse.”

“Did they hit you?”

You’re too shocked to move. “What? No! Why the hell would you even say that?”

“Because I’ve been worried about you.”

“They have never laid a hand on me,” you snap. “Ever.”

“But they’ve come close,” Aaron says gently. “You know they have.”

You only scoff. You feel hurt. Insulted, even, that he would assume something like that. Your relationship with your partner is rocky, of course, but never physical abuse rocky. Never that bad.

But has it come close?

Sure, maybe you’ve felt the wind off a beer bottle when it grazed by your head on its way to the wall. Maybe you have had to duck to avoid getting glass to the face. Maybe.

Maybe they have come close. Closer than you want to admit.

But they’ve also loved you. Held you while you cried. Rewarded you after you cleaned up the broken glass. Left you flowers and jewelry and love notes.

They love you. Don’t they?

“It’s fine,” you whisper, blinking back the stubborn tears that have jumped to the front of your eyes. “They love me.”

“Love isn’t violent,” Aaron replies gently. “Love shouldn’t make you as terrified as I saw you when you left last night.”

“I know,” you choke out. “But I don’t know what to do.”

Hotch is rounding his desk and gathering you in his arms before the first tear slips down your cheeks. He holds you while you cry, letting you get it all out.

“We’ll figure it out,” he whispers, resting his chin on top of your head. “Don’t worry.”

+++

It all comes to a head a few nights later when your partner springs a question on you. The question.

There, standing in the bathroom, you’re too stunned to speak.

“What d’you say, baby? Let’s get married, you and me.”

You don’t reply. You toss the makeup wipe in your trash can, flick the light in the bathroom off, and walk out into the bedroom.

“Baby?” They ask.

You’re facing the dresser, halfway to setting out a pair of pants for work tomorrow. “I...I can’t.”

“What?” Their reply is immediate and angry. “What are you talking about?”

“I can’t,” you repeat, refusing to change your answer. “No.”

By the time you turn around, they’re standing up from the bed, arms crossed over their chest. “What did you just say to me?”

“I said no,” you say firmly. “I’m not marrying you.”

“And why not?”

“I—”

“Are you seeing someone else?”

“What?”

“Your boss? Are you fuckin’ him?”

“No!”

“Then why won’t you marry me?”

“Because I don’t want to!”

You’ve never raised your voice back at your partner. They’ve always been the one to raise their voice, and you stayed silent, tried to talk them down, be the quiet voice of reason.

But not anymore. You’ve had enough.

“You don’t want to?” They scream. “It’s been eight years and now you don’t want to. You’re fucking him, aren’t you?”

“I’m not,” you say through gritted teeth. “But I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

“Baby…” They sigh, stepping closer, lowering their arms. “Why not?”

“Because,” you reply slowly, backing up. “Just because.”

“That’s not a good enough reason and you know it.”

“It’s good enough for me,” you say. You step to the side and keep backing out into the hallway, getting ready to run if need be.

“Where are you going?” They all but growl. “What’s wrong with you?”

You’re scaring me, you want to scream, but you don’t. “I’m fine.”

“You’re fine? Well I’m for damn sure not fine, I’m heartbroken,” they seethe. You see the tell-tale signs that they’re about to get angry — angry enough to start throwing things. You realize in a moment of horror that a paperweight is within their reach.

And they reach for it.

“Don’t,” you murmur, freezing when their fingers wrap around the glass. “Put it down.”

“Why?” They ask, calm as ever. “Don’t you want to see what you’ve just done to my heart?”

You shake your head slowly. “No. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, no!” Your reflexes have gotten better since being at the FBI, and you duck right in time. The paperweight crashes against the wall behind you, shattering, denting the wall, and covering the couch in fine pieces of broken glass.

“See what you’ve done!” Your partner screams. “This could’ve been easy! You could’ve said yes!”

You spot your car keys on the counter next to you, and when they turn their back to you to grip at their hair, you slide the keys off and into your pocket.

I have to get out of here. It’s a thought that you never have. Normally by now you’d be vacuuming up the glass on the couch, apologizing every five seconds, pouring them a glass of whiskey or a beer or something. But not now. Not anymore.

You’re a few steps from the door when your partner notices. “Where the fuck are you going?”

“Nowhere,” you freeze. “Go take a shower. Cool off. I’ll clean up this mess and then we can talk about this again, okay?”

They almost don’t accept your offer, but after a second, they nod. “There better be a beer waiting on me when I get out.”

“Of course,” you smile.

Your smile makes them suspicious, but they turn and head into the bedroom without another word.

Shaking, you turn to the closet to grab the vacuum, turning it on and beginning to suck up the glass off the couch.

But when you hear the shower curtain pull closed, you escape, leaving the vacuum running.

+++

It’s pouring down rain, you aren’t wearing any shoes, and you’re knocking on your boss’s front door. Can your life get any more pathetic?

When Aaron opens the door, he’s practically hauling you inside and out of the rain.

“What’s wrong?” Aaron asks, already leading you down the hall toward the bathroom. “You’re shivering, we need to get you out of these clothes — you aren’t wearing shoes, fuck, Y/N, what happened?”

“They asked me to marry them,” you choke out. You aren’t even crying. You haven’t cried yet at all. “I said no. They almost hit me.”

Aaron feels a dangerous surge of anger course through his body. “Did they hit you?”

You shake your head, and it turns into a full-body shiver.

“Okay,” Aaron says, taking a deep breath to ground himself. “Okay, let me get some clothes for you. Do you want to take a shower?”

You shake your head again.

“Okay, that’s okay. I’ll be right back.”

You sit, shivering, on your boss’s toilet for a few minutes before he returns with clothes. A t-shirt and pair of sweatpants of his. Old ones, he says, they don’t fit him anymore. You smile slightly when you realize the shirt is from his college, the sweatpants from his law school. No wonder they don’t fit him anymore.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call,” you say. “I—I think I left my phone there.”

“It’s okay,” Aaron shakes his head. “Don’t worry about that. Just get changed and get warm. Do you want some tea? Anything?”

“Just some water, please,” you murmur. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” he smiles.

After he leaves, you change out of your wet clothes and into his shirt and sweatpants. You carefully hang your wet shirt and shorts over the edge of the bathtub, hoping that’s okay.

You venture out of the bathroom and follow the noise into the kitchen where you find Aaron putting up dishes.

“Hey,” he murmurs, straightening up. “Do you want ice with your water?”

“Um, sure.”

The sound of ice clinking into the glass makes you flinch, and you’re grateful Aaron’s back is turned away from you.

“There you go,” he hands you the glass.

“Thank you.”

You sip it quietly while he goes back to putting up the rest of the clean dishes in the dishwasher. Once he finishes, your heart is still racing, now with guilt from coming here unannounced. What if he was on a date? What if Jack was here?

“The guest room is all yours,” Aaron says softly. “If you want to talk about it, I’m here.”

You nod slowly. “I don’t know what to do.” You pause, rubbing your thumb over the condensation on the glass. “But I told them I’m not marrying them. But I...I didn’t tell them I was leaving. Or where I was going.”

“Good, that’s good.”

“No,” you shake your head. “It’s not. They’re gonna be mad. I can’t— Oh my god, I can’t go back. Not alone, they’ll—”

“Hey,” Aaron shushes you, walking around the counter to get to you. “Don’t worry about it right now. We’ll figure it out. I’ll go with you. You won’t be alone.”

“Thank you.”

+++

The next morning, you and Aaron head into the office early so you have time to grab your go-bag and change into your work clothes that you left in there.

Thank God for having a job like this where it’s normal to have a few changes of clothes, a toothbrush, deodorant, and anything else you need in a duffle bag under your desk.

You and Aaron are the first people in the BAU, so you’re able to grab your bag and head to the bathroom to change without any questions. Once you return, you stuff the bag back under your desk and sit down, ready to bury yourself in reports for the day.

But before you can, Hotch calls you into his office.

“What’s up?” You ask when you step into the doorway.

“We didn’t eat breakfast,” he says, and that’s when you notice the two coffees and muffins sitting on his desk.

“Oh,” you chuckle. “I completely forgot.”

“Me too,” he smiles. “Here, sit.”

The two of you eat the breakfast in silence, but somehow you don’t mind it. You’re not in much of a talking mood, anyway.

Rossi arrives next and stops by Hotch’s office, not at all surprised to find the two of you eating together, though he does join with his coffee a few minutes later. The silence vanishes with Rossi, leaving laughter in its wake as he tells old stories about Hotch.

When the rest of the team arrives, they follow the noise to Hotch’s office, and soon you’re surrounded by your family. Your real family.

Once eight-thirty rolls around, you all begin to disperse, back to your respective spaces to start working for the day, and everything feels normal.

And then, in a matter of seconds, it isn’t.

The second your eyes land on your partner standing down in the bullpen, you fall to your knees, scaring the shit out of Hotch.

“What happened?” He blurts, kneeling down to you. “Are you okay?”

“No,” you shake your head. “No, no, no...No, Hotch, they’re out there.”

Hotch doesn’t need their name. The fear on your face is enough.

About this time, you hear Derek’s voice growing in volume. The most you can make out is, “Put...down…!” And that’s when your blood runs ice cold.

You pat your right hip, hoping, praying, your weapon is magically there, even though you know it’s not. You put it in the safe when you got home last night. You didn’t have time to grab it before you ran out and drove to Hotch’s place. You left it there, in the safe, because you never think twice about it since it’s locked away.

But now…

“Don’t do this, man,” Derek yells. “Put. It. Down.”

“Where is she?” Your partner yells. “Tell me where she is!”

“I’m not telling you shit until you put the gun down,” Derek says, firmly. You’re frozen in place, on the floor next to Hotch’s desk as you listen.

“They have my gun,” you whisper to Hotch. “I didn’t think they— I don’t know how they knew the code, I change it every week, I thought—”

“Hey, hey, don’t worry,” Hotch shushes you. “You stay here. Do not move. Try to get under my desk if you can.” He pauses. “There’s an extra pistol underneath. I want you to grab it just in case.”

You nod, but then a memory of last night grips you. “No! You can’t go out there!” You hiss, gripping Hotch’s arm.

Outside, you hear Emily’s voice adding to Derek’s, trying to talk your partner down. It’s a scene out of a horror movie. Straight from your worst nightmare.

“They already feel threatened by you, they’ll just shoot you the second they see you.”

“Not when they already have five guns on them.”

“Let me come with you,” you offer.

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Aaron, I have eight years of experience talking them down. I know what I’m doing.”

Hotch doesn’t like that you’re right.

“Are you sure?” He asks.

You nod. You’re shaking all over, but you still nod.

“Okay. Crawl over and grab the pistol from my desk. Tuck it in your waistband, on your back. Go now.”

You stay low as you crawl over, finding the pistol strapped underneath his desk on the right side. Once it’s tucked in your waistband, you stand, facing the window. Hotch stands too, with his back to the blinds, and thank God they’re closed.

“Is she in there?” You hear your partner scream. “Is she with him?”

“Shit,” you mutter. “Shit, shit, shit, they’re gonna fucking kill me.” You hate that the possibility is very real. They have your gun. They could shoot you the second they see you. You’re not wearing any protective gear.

“No,” Hotch replies. “I’m not letting that happen.”

“Come out here, you lying bitch!”

Hotch looks ready to kill your partner himself.

“Babe?” You call out, putting on a false tone, the same one you always use when talking them down. “Babe, what are you doing here?”

You step into the doorway, feeling another frozen chill of fear shoot straight down your spine. They look crazed. Insane, even. Worse than you’ve ever seen, worse than last night, worse than the last eight years.

“Don’t babe me,” your partner seethes, but the gun is still trained on Derek.

You know it makes no sense, but you want them to turn the gun on you. Not Derek. Derek can’t be hurt because of you, not like this.

“Put the gun down,” you say, trying to stay calm and sweet, the way you usually have to be at home.

“I’m not listening to a damn thing you say,” your partner yells, and then the gun turns on you. “There he is.” The gun isn’t aimed at you. It’s on Aaron.

“Put it down,” Aaron’s level voice floats through the terror roaring in your ears. “I won’t ask again.” He shifts and you realize then that he has his own weapon trained on your partner.

“You won’t need to. Come out from behind my fiancé you coward.”

“She’s not your fiancé,” Hotch says. “And you won’t shoot her.”

“Want to bet on it?” Your partner lowers the gun slightly, now pointing it straight at your chest. Strangely, you don’t feel any panic surge through you. It’s telling. That even now, your head is telling you, they won’t hurt me, they never hurt me before.

“Don’t do it,” Derek yells. “I will shoot you, man. Don’t do it. You have six guns pointed at you right now. Do you really want to do this?”

The metal of Aaron’s pistol bites into your lower back when you shift on your heels. Your arms are frozen by your side, too afraid to reach for the gun.

“Put it down,” Rossi yells.

“You’ve got five seconds,” Derek adds. “Don’t make me get to one. Five. Four.”

Your partner’s fingers twitch on the trigger. Aaron catches the movement. Nods once when Derek says three. And on two, Derek pulls the trigger before your partner can do it first.

A broken scream rips from your chest when the bullet lodges itself in your partner’s side, your gun clattering to the ground. Derek steps forward and kicks the gun further away, out of reach.

Hotch lifts you around your waist and pulls you back into his office, kicking the door closed with his foot.

You’re numb to everything as he sits you down on the couch, wrapping his arms around you as you finally sob, letting out every scream that you’ve been holding in.

+++

Your partner is taken to the hospital to be treated for the gunshot wound.

Hotch tells you they won’t stand a chance at being acquitted, too many charges looming over their head already without the addition of domestic violence. You hardly hear his words, but you nod like you do.

He takes care of you while the commotion outside struggles to calm down. A blanket is wrapped around your shoulders, you hug a pillow to your chest, sniffling every few minutes as fresh tears cascade down your cheeks. Spencer brings you a mug of steaming tea that you barely manage to thank him for. Hotch thanks him properly for you before softly shutting his office door.

For months, you’ve been thinking about leaving them. For so long, you’ve wondered what life might be like without them. Now, you don’t know a thing.

You don’t know what to do. Where to go. Will you have to testify in court? If you do, will you have to talk about the...abuse? The abuse that you can barely bring yourself to label blatantly as abuse even though Aaron, your brain, everyone screams at you that that’s what it is — abusive behavior.

When you were a teenager, and even in your early twenties, learning about signs of abusive, unhealthy relationships, you never thought you’d end up in one. You thought surely you’d recognize the first signs and get out of there.

But instead, you did exactly what they said most people do. You brushed them off. You thought, oh, they just love me deeply, that’s all. They want what’s best for me, that’s all. They want me to be safe and protected, that’s all.

And that’s lovely, but there’s a difference. Between caring and controlling.

You never thought the difference would be so hard to see.

“Come on,” Aaron’s soft voice pierces through your thoughts. “Let’s get you out of here.”

You blink. “Where?”

“Wherever you want to go,” he replies gently. “Your apartment?”

Immediately, you shake your head. But then you pause. Because aside from your apartment and the BAU, you have nowhere else to go.

“Would you be comfortable going back to my apartment?” He asks. “I understand if it’s uncomfortable. I’m sure Garcia or Prentiss would be happy to let you stay with them, and I’ll gladly send them home with you.”

As much as you love Garcia and Prentiss, you strangely feel more comfortable with Aaron. After all, Pen and Emily don’t— or didn’t know about your partner’s behavior. Only Hotch knew.

“If you don’t mind, I’m...I’m okay with your place.”

“I don’t mind at all,” he smiles. “The guest room is yours for as long as you need.”

That makes you smile, though the expression feels foreign on your lips. “Don’t you have to stay?”

“It can be dealt with tomorrow,” he replies. “The paperwork will still exist tomorrow at eight a.m.”

“Okay,” you accept defeat. “Can I take this blanket?” You don’t like the idea of this weight leaving your shoulders.

“Of course,” he says.

You fall asleep in the car.

You didn’t mean to, but you were exhausted. And by the time you woke, Aaron had already carried you into his apartment. Startled, you gripped his arm a little too tight, but he shushed you carefully, letting you know you’re safe, he just didn’t want to wake you because you were sleeping so soundly.

He set you down on the guest bed where you tried and failed to get some rest last night, but now, you sleep like a baby.

+++

Months after the incident, the guest room at Aaron’s apartment has become your temporary home.

You still haven’t been back to the apartment you owned with your partner — even though their name is on the lease, not yours. You went once with Aaron to pick up your clothes and anything else important, but it was a quick trip. You were desperate to get out of there.

Aaron didn’t like what he saw. The broken glass, the dents in the walls. The way your body language changed immediately. Your unwillingness to return there is fine by him.

It’s a slow, uphill battle as you begin to heal. Your partner still sits in jail, awaiting their trial date. You know you might have to testify, but you know your team might have to be there as well, so that makes you feel better.

Aaron has been incredibly respectful of your space. You were the one who brought up the idea of carpooling to work, one of you driving every other day, to save on gas for the both of you. He had assumed you wanted to drive on your own and always have your car — which is true, but you didn’t mind riding with him.

He’s the only one your terrified brain doesn’t seem to be scared of.

And you’re not complaining. You’re grateful to feel a small ounce of safety after feeling every sense of unsafe for the past eight years.

+++

Your ex-partner’s trial comes and goes in the following three months. You did testify, along with the rest of your team, the verdict is guilty. Life in prison.

You wept on the steps of the courthouse from the sheer relief of it all.

“They’ll never hurt you again,” Aaron had told you and you didn’t believe him for one second.

Still now, as you know for a fact they are sitting in a prison cell, you have a small fear. But you think you always will.

You continue “rooming” with Aaron — that’s the best way you can think to put it — and you’ve come to really enjoy the weekends when Jack comes over. At the start, Aaron would try to take Jack out to the park to give you time alone, or you’d go spend some time with Penelope, but after a while, you started staying. And after a little while longer, Jack started warming up to you, and expecting your presence.

One weekend, you hear Jack and Aaron playing in the living room while you’re in Aaron’s office, trying to get some work done. And halfway through signing your name on a piece of paperwork, you hear Jack “whispering” to Aaron about you.

“Do you like her?” Jack whispers, but it definitely comes across as more of a soft shout.

Aaron’s eyes widen, and he presses his index finger to his lips. “A lot,” he says, but you don’t hear him — though you were straining pretty hard.

“Me too,” Jack giggles. “Is she your girlfriend?” He teases, poking his dad with his Lego sculpture.

Aaron pokes his son back with his own design. “No, buddy, she isn’t.” Again, you can’t hear him, but Jack’s question made your heart hammer in your chest.

You know you’ve had some feelings begin to develop because truthfully, they were blooming months ago, back when you began having dinner with Aaron. But then everything happened, and you still loved your ex, and things got too complicated.

Now, though, seven months out from the start of it all, the feelings are still there.

Aaron hasn’t made any moves, so you’ve kept silent. You don’t know how much of his good deeds are simply out of his own kindness. And you certainly don’t want to mistake it for something it’s not.

But kids pick up on things adults try hardest to hide.

You continue with your paperwork, listening to them continue to play.

It’s not until after Jack goes home to Hailey that his question is brought up, and it’s only because Aaron asked what was bothering you.

“It’s alright if you don’t want to talk about it,” he says. “But I’m here if you do.”

He’s always here. That’s what made you have a crush on him in the first place, years ago. He’s always there for anyone who needs him.

“I heard you and Jack earlier,” you start. “When he asked if I’m your girlfriend.”

Aaron sighs. “I’m sorry. I think it’s just confusing for him because to him, living together equals relationship since all he’s known is me and Hailey—”

“I’d like to be,” you interrupt his nervous rambling. “If that’s something you’d like, too.”

He blinks a few times, then smiles. “You…” He pauses. “Are you sure?”

“Aaron, I’ve liked you for so long and never said anything—”

“I’ve liked you for so long and never said anything,” he counters. “You’re serious?”

“Very,” you whisper.

When he kisses you, it’s what you’ve longed for all this time. It’s exactly what you’ve been yearning for. It’s exactly the kind of love you know now that you deserve.

Recovery has been messy, and will continue to be messy for some time, but you’ll have Aaron next to you every step of the way. Always.

#aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x fem!reader #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner one shot #aaron hotchner angst #aaron hotchner fluff #tw domestic violence #tw abuse #criminal minds #version of you song fic #criminal minds songfic #aaron hotchner songfic #version of you #hotch x fem!reader #hotch x reader #hotch x you

804 notes · View notes

dollslayer · 4 years ago

Text

Botanical Interest - For Luck

Soft!Mob!Steve Rogers x Florist!Reader

Summary: Steve introduces you to some of the most important people in his life, but are you ready for all that comes with it?

W/C: 4,743

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol consumption, angst, gambling

A/N: When I saw @redhead-wine-and-literature-club was doing a floral based challenge I couldn't pass up the opportunity to add to this series! April 28th - Cornflower - good-luck charm. Even though this is part of a series of oneshots it can be read as a standalone! If you like it please like/reblog/comment and check out my other fics! Cheers!

Botanical Interest Masterlist I Main Masterlist

The sunlight through the windows warms your skin while the breeze of the small fan on the counter gives you goosebumps. Dog days of Summer slowly set in over the city and with them came a slight dip in business. No one wants a rooftop wedding when it’s 100 degrees out and the drinks are watered down with sweat. You didn’t mind though, it let you put in a little extra time and care to the orders you did have.

You picked up a stem of cornflower and nestled it between snapdragons and lisianthus. It was so dreamy you couldn’t help but sigh, you almost wished it was for yourself. It was for an elopement, an eager young couple came in this morning all smiles asking if you could take the last minute order. Feeling a little sappy from your own relationship you couldn’t turn them down.

You started in on the boutonniere when the music you had on was paused. Curious, you looked at your phone to find you had an incoming call. You balanced the phone in between your shoulder and ear as you gathered supplies.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Doll. How are you?” Steve’s warm voice greeted you.

You smiled into the receiver. “I’m good, just working on the last order of the day. What are you up to?”

“Well actually that’s what I called to ask you. You free tonight?”

“You can meet me at the shop in an hour. Sound good?” You promised.

“Sounds like a plan. I love you, doll, I’ll see you soon.”

After returning his affections you hung up and set to work, excited to be finished and see Steve. Despite his involvement with the mob, which neither of you had really addressed head-on yet, things were going really well. Even though he was involved with murky dealings he was sweet to you and you were in love with him. You tried to plan your night with Steve in your head as you worked.

____

The ringing of a bell roused you from your work, expecting to see the young couple here to pick up their flowers. You were instead face to face with Steve’s handsome smirk and playful eyes. Your smile grew wider as he approached the counter. You held the boutonniere up to the lapel of his jacket and eyed it from a distance.

“Do I have a hot date I didn’t know about?” He joked.

“No!” You giggled, “The flowers are for a couple that came in the shop this morning, they’re going to elope and the groom’s got your complexion, thought I’d see how this looks on you before I finish”

“Oh? And how do I look as a groom?” He questioned.

Your cheeks heated instantly and you felt shy. You managed to squeak out that he looked nice before you had to turn away to box up the flowers. You couldn’t help the stupid smile on your face. You and Steve never talked about marriage before but things were getting serious between you. Maybe he just felt extra cheeky today.

“I like the blue, very colorful”

“They’re cornflowers, they’re a good luck charm! I figured they were fitting for their little wedding. So what did you have in mind for tonight? It’s too hot to sit on the patio but I’ve got a pint of ice cream with our names on it in the freezer at home” You raised your eyebrows in offer.

“Well actually, I was hoping you could be my good luck charm tonight. Bucky’s got a few of us getting together tonight for poker and you’ve yet to meet my friends. What do you say?”

Oh. You weren’t sure what to say. You hadn’t met his friends yet because you were uncomfortable with his mob work and you knew they were involved. But you also knew they were his friends and they were important to him. It’s not like you could avoid them forever. Poker with a mob boss? Sure why not?

You put on a slightly uneasy smile and nodded.

“Well I have to tell you, I haven’t played in forever but I would love to meet your friends” You told him.

“I promise, no shop talk. But I’ve been telling them about you. Buck’s wife Natasha has been dying to meet you. I also promise not to make you play poker.” He said with an easy grin.

“Alright, I just have to wait on this couple to pick up their flowers and close up. Shouldn’t be more than 20 minutes. You can wait here if you want but I’ve got no A/C”

Steve nodded and took off his jacket. He rolled up his sleeves and loosened his tie.

“For you? I’ll sweat it out.” He said.

____

After a quick pit stop at your place to change you were on your way. You smiled in the passenger’s seat, still reeling from the look on the young bride’s face when she saw her bouquet. That was undoubtedly the best part of your job, seeing the joy on your customer’s faces when they saw their arrangements. Maybe this feeling could carry you through the night.

The tires of Steve’s Audi crunched under the gravel of the long driveway up to Bucky’s estate. Steve told you he had a townhouse in Brooklyn but for the most part they stayed at their estate outside of the city. You looked up at the facade of the house and admired the ivy that clung to the bricks.

Parking the car Steve got out and quickly made his way to your side to let you out. Just one of the many old-fashioned quirks that he had. You accepted his hand as he helped you out of the car and leaned up to kiss his cheek. His hand traveled down to rub your back reassuringly. You looked up at him.

“Don’t worry, they’ll love you. Natasha can be intense but she means well. Just be yourself and they’ll love you just as much as I do.” He kissed your hair to soothe you and lead you towards the door.

Steve nodded at the man at the door. “Scott. Nice to see you, this is my girlfriend”

You smiled and gave him your name. “It’s nice to meet you, Scott”.

He smiled and greeted you in kind, lifting his hand to shake yours. When he did his jacket rode up and you could see the holster and butt of his gun. You ignored it and shook his hand.

Scott opened the door for you and you entered the house. Mansion, might be a better word honestly. Marble floors, oak woodwork, all the look of any house you’d find in the area and all in line with how you’d think a rich mob boss might live. The foyer was empty but you could hear voices in the distance.

Steve waltzed through the halls like he lived here, when he was at work he probably practically did. The space was teeming with energy as they bantered on with trash talk and promises of beating one another. Men sat at a round table drinking, waiting to deal cards and women standing around sipping on wine.

One man looked familiar from the pictures you’d seen around Steve’s place. His sharp jaw and long dark hair drew your attention instantly; Bucky Barnes, King of Brooklyn. His brows were pinched together in a scowl but he had a playful grin on his face. You steeled yourself the best you could and prepared for your introduction. Just think of him as Steve’s childhood best friend.

“Steve! ‘Bout time you showed up you bastard!” an accented voice belonging to a tall blond man with long hair called. He clapped a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “And are you the enchantress that our dear friend goes on and on about? Now that I’m meeting you I can see why!”

Steve let out an embarrassed laugh and motioned towards his friend. “This is Thor, don’t let the muscle fool you, he’s a total teddy bear”

You gave him your name and extended your hand when he brought you in for a bone-crushing hug. You let out a laugh and hugged him back, grateful for something to ease the tension you felt.

“How’s that for a warm welcome, huh?” A voice sounded from behind you.

Thor released you from your hug and you took a desperately needed breath. He patted you on the shoulder.

“Wanted to make our dear Steven’s girl feel at home, that’s all” Thor explained. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I look forward to beating your boyfriend at poker.” You laughed at that and turned to face the man who spoke earlier.

That man was none other than Bucky, who reached out for your hand. You gave it to him and he instead lifted it to give a gentle kiss.

“I can’t believe I’m meeting the one and only. Stevie here won’t shut up about you sometimes. I’m Bucky but I’m sure you already knew that.”

“I’ve heard about you too, it’s nice to finally meet.” You nodded as you took your hand back.

“I’m afraid I need to steal your man, we’ve been waiting on him to start the game but tell you what, why don’t you go find my wife Natasha, I know she’s been dying to meet you.”

Great, not at all intimidating. Okay fine just smile and breathe. Maybe get a drink. You smiled at Bucky. “The redhead, right?” He nodded and sent you on your way. One last look at Steve you shot him a worried look but he only winked at you.

You looked around the room and shrunk in on yourself a bit. You were never the best with social outings or being in new environments. You looked around again and found the very redhead you had been in search of smirking at you from the corner. She was dressed in a sleek black dress and looked effortlessly beautiful but also like she could strangle a man with her bare hands. You steeled yourself with a smile you’re sure she saw straight through.

“So you’re the one responsible for the flowers at my wedding?” You nodded Pleasesayyoulikedthempleasesayyoulikedthem “I loved them! The wedding planner recommended you and I’m so glad she did. It’s so hard to find a good color pallet but you nailed it. Come on, you need a drink then I’ll introduce you to the girls”

She ushered you towards the kitchen where she took the waiting wine glass from the counter and handed it to you. You didn’t like red but you’d drink it anyways. You brought the glass to your lips and took a sip.

You two talked for a bit in the kitchen, maybe she wasn’t as scary as she seemed. You tipped the stem of your glass until there was nothing left. Before you could ask for different wine she was topping you off from the same bottle. Another round of apprehensive sips and hidden grimaces but you thanked her regardless. It was now your goal to find the sociable sweet spot of drunkenness. You could feel blood rushing to your cheeks from the alcohol as tipsiness settled in.

Natasha raised an eyebrow and considered you for a moment.

“So how are you handling the whole organized crime thing? Gotta say, I didn’t peg you as his type but you guys are cute.”

You stopped yourself from spitting the wine in your mouth back into the glass.

“Um, thanks, I guess” You sputtered, “we uh, try to keep things separate. Figure it’s best for both of us.”

Natasha nodded, taking another drink herself.

“That’s probably best but I mean, how long can you keep that up, really?” She asked

You hated to admit it but she had a point. It’s not like the thought hadn’t crossed your mind. You opened your mouth to answer her when a man walked into the room and called your name. You looked expectantly (and slightly gratefully) towards him.

“I believe your man has requested your presence at the table. Somethin’ about needing a cornflower? I don’t know he said you’d get it. What are you two gossipin’ about in here anyways?” He questioned.

Natasha spoke before you could “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, Sam. We’re right behind you.” Sam nodded and retreated back to the doorway to wait for you.

Natasha touched your shoulder and you looked to her.

“Look, I didn’t mean to come off so brash, I guess I’m just trying to say, I know that being involved in this life isn’t easy. We’ll swap numbers later. Maybe we’ll go to lunch” She winked at you. You couldn’t tell if she was being serious or not but you nodded anyways.

“I-Thank you, I think I’d like that. I’d better go find Steve though” you excused yourself and made your way back to the table.

____

Steve Rogers was having a good night. He finally got to introduce his friends to his girl, she seemed to be relaxing a bit and having a better time, and he was well on his way to getting a straight flush this hand. The only thing that would seal the deal is his good luck charm by his side.

Steve called to Sam across the room and as soon as Sam walked over and bent Steve spoke.

“Sam, could you do me a solid and find my girl? Think she went to get a drink with Nat. Tell her I need cornflowers”

“Man if this is some weird sex thing I’m gonna be mad” Sam said with a mixture of confusion and disgust.

“Oh, please. Nothin’ like that, promise. She’ll know what it means.” Steve pat his friend on the shoulder and paid attention as Thor dealt cards.

A minute later his girl was walking through the door with an uneasy smile on her face. Something is wrong but he can’t gauge how serious it is. Sam says something to make her laugh and he settles on asking her later. Natasha saunters out behind them looking almost amused but cautious. Like she was regretting something. She’d probably just tried to give his girl the third degree when Sam interrupted them. It’s for the best, that’s too much for one night.

His girl smiles as she approaches him, looking slightly more at ease when she takes another sip of her wine. Her smile was a little looser and she moved a bit more freely, definitely tipsy and completely adorable with that grin on her lips.

“How are things going over here for you boys?”

Gauging how tipsy she was, he patted his knee in offering and she took it with a shy smile. Only slightly. But enough not to worry so much.

“Well, sweetheart, I’m about to kick all their asses and I figured I could use a good luck charm to seal the deal.” He boasted.

“Oh,” she said in realization, “Then I’m all yours”. She settled into his lap and watched on.

Her face was nothing short of endearing as she tried to concentrate and take in the game. He remembered she said she hadn’t been good at poker but it was sweet she was trying to pay attention anyways and be there for him.

“What’s the pot?” She asked.

“Nothin’ serious, there’s a pretty nice box of cigars and a weekend at Buck’s place in the Hamptons in the mix but we don’t do cash at get togethers like this, that’s for boy’s nights only.” He explained as he rubbed her back with his free hand. “Tonight’s just about fun”

She nodded as she studied the table some more before resigning to laying her head against his and listening to whatever bullshit Clint was on about. Steve was focused on getting others at the table to fold, he knew he had a good hand and a good chance of winning, he just needed the others to back down to bring it home.

Thor placed the final community card face up and Steve set out a low whistle. Others at the table looked a little miffed but he just knew he was taking it all. He set down his cards to a chorus of groans as he raked all the chips towards himself. You placed a kiss to his temple and he returned one to your cheek.

“Just the good luck I needed” he said loud enough for the table to hear.

“Hey Steve you gotta come see this!”

Steve tsked in annoyance. “Can it wait? I’m up and we were gonna keep playing. I’ll be there after”

“No, you should go. Let her play a hand for you, we can get to know each other better” Bucky suggested.

“Oh, I don’t think you want me playing poker.” She laughed but nervousness was the only emotion he could see on your face. He opened his mouth to protest but was cut off.

“She’ll be fine, we’ll go easy on her, I mean it. If it makes you feel better we’ll even hold the pot. This round is just for shits.” Bucky insisted.

Caught between wanting to ask how you felt about it and not wanting to get flak about being so sensitive Steve tilted his head in silent asking at you.

You gave him the same unsure smile you’d had all night and nodded up at him. “I’ll be fine, Stevie, promise.”

He gave her a reassuring smile and then turned his eye to Bucky who was all smiles. He knew exactly what Bucky was trying to do. Buck knows she doesn’t know anything but he’s gonna turn the screws on her just like he does with anyone new at the table. Steve gave him a stern expression in warning. Don’t scare her off.

____

You could hear your heart beating in your ears as you tried to decide what to do. Take it slow. You told yourself. You looked up to find all the eyes at the table on you and did your best to calm yourself.

“So who’s dealing?” A man you hadn’t previously met swiped the cards and began shuffling.

“Look, I know we said we’d put the pot on hold but Laura’s been bugging me about a vacation and I don’t know that I can pass up this opportunity to steal from Steve so easily, so” The man you’d come to know as Clint trailed off. You did your best not to be offended.

“Shut up, Barton. I promised Steve, we just wanna have a little fun, don’t we?” Bucky asked.

Is he asking me?

You decided to take a sip of your wine instead and he chuckled.

“So,” Bucky turned to you, “I know that you know about what we do, there’s no point in denying it. The question is are you going to be a problem for us or do you know how to keep things to yourself?”

Frozen in fear you could only manage to look at the rest of the table, hoping to find that this was all a joke. Instead, every face looking to you was stony and waiting on an answer. God, this man was made for Natasha, that much is clear. Your eyes darted around the room looking for an out. Where is Steve? Where the fuck is Steve?

You don’t find him, but you do find Natasha looking at you, she smiles and looks to her husband before she shakes her head. She makes her way over to her husband and lightly smacks him in the back of the head.

The look of surprise on his face ruins his silent and aggressive front as he winces in pain. He looks in slight annoyance at his wife as she tsks at him.

“Will you stop already? She’s a smart girl and you don’t need to go scaring her off. In fact, I hope she beats you. I wouldn’t be surprised if she did.” Natasha sounded so confident. You warmed to the fact that she was in your corner when you were practically a stranger in her home.

“Aw c’mon, Babe, I was only messin’ with her.” Bucky turned to Nat and she just challenged him with a smile.

You didn’t know why Natasha has suddenly become so supportive, maybe she felt bad about earlier but you were grateful to her. She pulled up a chair between the two of you to watch and motioned to the dealer to continue. You finished your second glass and prepared yourself for the night ahead. Any chance they had of you going easy on them went out the window.

____

You lost the first hand graciously, saying you hadn’t played poker since you were in college as an excuse for your loss. But when Steve was still busy and Bucky offered another round you accepted. You decided to put your full effort in this time.

Twenty minutes later everyone at the table was feeling confident in their hands, staring at each other like some sort of Mexican standoff, willing the others to fold. You could tell by the way Clint kept scratching the cut on his chin that he was screwed and he knew it. Thor couldn’t go more than 5 seconds without nervous laughing.

But Bucky? He was a tough read but about half way through the round his leg started bouncing. You knew this because he was bumping into Natasha, who’s wine was sloshing around in the glass despite her stillness. These clods didn’t stand a chance.

The dealer, Vision, you’d learned, called for everyone to show their cards. Here goes. One by one everyone set their cards down until finally it was your turn. You set them down but focused on your opponents faces. Everyone looked confused, shocked even. You had laid down a royal flush and handily smoked them all.

“Holy shit”

“Holy shit indeed”

“Told you so” Nat teased.

You smiled at all of them and drank from your newly topped off glass of wine - white this time. A warm pair of hands rested on your shoulders and you looked up to find Steve smiling down at you.

“What’s going on over here, gentlemen?”

“Well, Steve, I think your girl is hustlin’ us. Thought you said you hadn’t played since college?” Bucky turned to you. You couldn’t gauge how angry he was but you decided to be honest.

“I haven’t,” you began, “But when I did I was pretty damn good. You just assumed I didn’t know what I was doing.” You shrugged.

The room was tense, it felt like everyone was looking to Bucky to see what to do next. He broke out into a wide smile and a low chuckle turned into hearty laugh. Everyone visibly relaxed.

“I gotta say, Steve. She isn’t what I expected, but she’s sure somethin’”

“A girl after my own heart” Natasha added.

Steve bent down to kiss your head. You stood from the table and offered him your seat. Nat put a hand on your shoulder.

“Steve I’m going to steal her again, the girls will probably want to hear all about your little cardshark.”

____

He had to admit, he was completely blown away by your little stunt at the table. He thought back to earlier when you watched him play. You weren’t trying to desperately understand the game, you were studying your opponents. He couldn’t deny it was kinda hot. You were full of surprises.

He smiled thinking that you were no different than the day you met, timid but aggressive when you need to be. That’s my girl.

The rest of the night came and went without incident, Steve didn’t end up taking home the pot but he did have a conversation with Bucky.

“She and I don’t talk about work. She knows that what we do isn’t exactly reputable but let’s face it, anyone in Brooklyn would. She doesn’t know and she doesn’t want to.”

Bucky took a long drag from his glass of bourbon and nodded.

“But if she ever did I hope she’s smart enough to know she has to keep what she knows to herself. We can’t afford any slip ups.”

Steve’s fists clenched and he controlled his anger enough not to snap at Bucky. He was his best friend but Bucky was still the boss and Steve knew how much was at stake.

“Not that it’s any of my business but you love this girl, right?” Steve swallowed thickly and nodded.

“Then how the hell are you gonna manage that? Keepin’ your two worlds separate? I mean, you just gonna walk her down the aisle and live happily forever keeping half your life from her? I need to know that if push came to shove she wouldn’t sell us out. Things are fine for now but you know that you’re either in or you’re out. I care about you, Steve, you’re my best friend but you need to see straight.”

Steve looked away, his jaw clenched as he ground his teeth. He knew Bucky was right. He loved you but he owed his life to Bucky, he was his brother. But he loved you. They were careful in their work and he knew any feds that tried to come after them wouldn’t find a thing. He could put this issue into a box and seal the lid tightly, at least for a while.

“I know you’re right. I love her and she’s a good woman. She wouldn’t say anything because she doesn’t know anything. And she never will.”

He left Bucky to stand on his own in search of you. He found you laughing with Laura, Wanda and Nat. He smiled at how welcomed you seemed to feel despite the rocky start.

“You ready to go, doll?”

You turned around and smiled at him. You looked back at the girls and then reluctantly back to him but nodded.

“Guess we’d better go, I’ve got to get down to the flower market at open tomorrow morning”

____

After a very long round of goodbyes you swapped numbers with Nat with promises of future lunch plans. The night had turned out worlds better than you thought that it would. You served a bunch of men their own egos on a silver platter and didn’t get murdered for it and you even made friends.

Still though Nat’s words echoed in your mind ‘how long can you keep that up, really?’ Little did you know but the same thoughts troubled Steve. You knew eventually you would have to make a choice if you ever wanted to get more serious than you were with each other, you just didn’t know what choice you’d make.

The ride home was quiet but not tense. He held your hand a little tighter than usual but you thought maybe he was just excited you had gotten on so well with your friends. He pulled up to your building and put the car in park.

“So do you think they liked me? I mean, other than hustling them at poker I’d say I made a pretty good impression”

Steve chuckled, “Yeah, doll. Gotta say, the whole cardshark thing? Kinda hot, didn’t know you had that in you, you little fiend.”

You rolled your eyes playfully and grinned at him. “I wasn’t gonna but Clint started talking shit.”

“Then he deserved his ass kicked” Steve joked. “I’d come up but I know you’ve got an early morning. Thank you for coming and meeting everyone tonight, I know that you want to keep things separate but these people are family to me, it means a lot that you met them”

You nodded and smiled. You told yourself you didn’t need to make the choice between getting involved with his work and keeping it apart from the other aspects of your life but it seems that by meeting them you had already made one.

Maybe you could talk more to Nat about this, she’d know what your situation is like more than anyone. For now though you decided to focus on the present reality, you had a good night and you had fun and now you’re about to kiss the man you love.

“Of course” you whispered. You kissed him slowly, trying to put off the sleepless night you were surely about to have.

“Goodnight, sweetheart. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you”

“I love you too, Stevie”

#rwlc love in bloom challenge #steve rogers x reader #mob au #mob!steve x reader #mafia!au #mafia!steve rogers x reader #mob!steve rogers #mafia!steve rogers #marvel au #marvel fic #marvel x reader #botanical interest #fluff #angst

466 notes · View notes