#and i’ll pray for you because I rlly hope that everything works out

[seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana]

Ok so I'm in the closet, right? (And I don't know if you support gay rights becaus you mentioned once you were religious so... sorry if I'm offending you) And my parents are homophobic and have told me repeatedly that if I'm gay then they would beat me and disown me and... I kinda like my house? Do you have any advise? I know you're not gay but I always saw your blog as a sort of safe place so thank you if you have any advice, sorry if I'm bothering you.

Dbkwwnnw. Oh my gosh sweetie I love you❤️❤️💖💓💗💗💓💖. Yes I am religious and my views about the LGBTQ+ is very conflicted. I love them but then I read the Bible and I’m just sjwnbw. Confused. But this isn’t about me this is about you. And I’m sorry if I’m not the best advice or if I fuck up somewhere and if I make jokes it’s bc I just whenever I’m nervous or scared and get second hand anxiety, I make jokes. But I probably won’t make jokes in this because it’s very serious. And yh I would be worried too bc my parents are just like yours they’re very um...anti-gay and stuff. And I’m so so sorry if this advice isn’t the best and is literally the worst advice dkwnwn.

I feel like maybe you should take it slow? Like don’t confess to both of them at the same time? And if you’re a child or like a teen (idk how old you are but I’m...a teen) just wait awhile I guess because then you may be more comfortable? Maybe they’ll be more accepting when you’re older and they won’t use the excuse, “oh it’s just a phase. You’re just confused,” like many parents do when you’re a teen and you’re going through something. And if you feel like you’re really comfortable with it now and feel like they won’t use that excuse bc they believe you’re old enough, maybe tell them but one at a time. See the others reaction and just tell them that you love with all of your heart.

If I was gay I would tell my mom first and then tell my dad. My dad is very mean when he’s angry. My mom can get angry in a hot second but she talks it through. Idk exactly what to do fkwnwnw. I would just tell them that you love them and respect their opinions (even if they’re very different from yours) and say that you hope they’ll still love you and tell them. But one at a time. Like take it slow and hope for the best? And if they do yell at you I feel like they won’t disown you (I’m not meaning as to say you’re wrong or stupid for thinking what you were thinking I’m sorry idk fwnneb) and do that because parents are supposed to love their child. I think about what a parent SHOULD do. They should love you for what you are. It doesn’t matter. I have conflicted emotions about the LGBTQ but Ik if my child was gay or anything I would be kind of weirded out about it bc of my religion but I would NEVER disown them or tell them that they’re stupid and horrible or beat them for that.

I feel like they may be angry, they may scream, but I feel like they wouldn’t let you leave. All parents love their children deep down and would do anything for them so maybe they wouldn’t do everything they said dkwnwn. I just feel like yeah you may need to take it slow and tell one at a time and just say that you love them and hope they’ll accept you for you.

I’m so so sorry that I don’t know what to do in this situation. It’s making me scared bc I don’t want you to be upset with me bc I have bad advice or like make them be mad at you and make you do something you’re not comfortable with or something djwnwb. But I hope this gave you a little comfort or help idk if it did and if it did I’m glad.

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Now...I’m going to give you the support you need. This is probably not needed idk. But you are amazing and beautiful. Ik a lot of gay people and LGBTQ get killed, hurt, bullied, disowned and it’s terrible. But you are beautiful and amazing. I hope that things work out and you get to live life the way you want. Bc living life free is the best thing and I hope you can do that. I hope you can be the biggest rainbow you can ever FuCKING BEEE. I bet you’re amazing and I’m glad you find me as a safe place and it makes me feel rlly happy when I get these things saying that my shitty blog where I fangirl over fictional men is a safe place for someone. It makes me so happy and I’m glad you came to me. I love you and you are amazing and I’m happy, again, that you came to me and I’m sorry if my advice wasn’t the best but I love you and you’re amazing and you fucking do your life YOUR way. Idk if you’re male or female but it doesn’t matter you’re AMAZING. And none of you (my followers) are a bother if you come into my ask box. I love helping y’all and it doesn’t matter what it is it could literally be like a personal thing like this and I’ll still help and love y’all asses so much.

Btw I do kinda support gays bc I’m in a gay fandom of Sora x Riku from KH so...if I ever say I don’t support gays then I’m lying y’all.

[felikatze]

Just wanted to say thank you so much for all the brainworms you have been giving me and my friends for the past few hours about Ayin and all the analyses you've been doing about him.

I have been losing my mind in the middle of the night thinking about all the things you've said, turning it over like crazy and trying to compare it with the gameplay I've had of Lobotomy Corporation and Library of Ruina.

Please do more analysis and share more of your ideas! Please? Please, with cherry on top? Please, I beg of you?

Especially if you have in-depth ideas of analyses for the Sephirah and how it relates to both their own characters and Ayin and Angela.

I thank you greatly in advance!

the implication that i've infected an entire friend group with my brainworms is power that will 100% go to my head i feel amazing. what else is analysis posting except trying to inflict people with the same thoughts bouncing around your skull on repeat

i DO have shit on the sephirah but mostly netzach, because i love netzach, and i in fact found my discord ramble about him (and chesed)

i dont have things on how they relate to A and Angela specifically because I mainly kept thinking abt Reverbaration Ensemble parallels... i have so many thoughs abt Netzach and Bremen.

(but if you want me to talk about, say, a specific core supression, or floor realization... i have a lot of thoughts on floor realizations.)

First off I am so sorry that you seem to think I'm smart because that means i have the perfect opportunity to inflict you with this

okay now we can get to the serious stuff

[transcript:

containment breach:

quick ramble abt lor again but i love the ensemble receptions so much. i'm at chesed's rn, and i know he's been chill the entire game, but him just refusing to comment on jae-hoon's tragedy seems, out of context, a dick move, but also is so important for chesed to do? he recognizes that another's suffering is not related to him, that he can't do anything about it, and that this is fine. The closest i'd describe chesed in lobcorp would be "activist burnout." Due to betraying the lab from garion's pressure, chesed was so consumed by guilt, he just blamed himself for everything and became more callous because it's already his fault, right? There's nothing he can do. But in lor, he knows what his responsibilities are, and allows himself joy where he can find it. I love the ensemble receptions bcuz they are just examplary of each patron libriarian's growth and i iqbfjc (sobs)

GOD this sure is a paragraph

also have to salute netzach for carrying his scene all by himself as the musicians of bremen just (animal noises) :pray:

ykno being online i realize that i'm not quiet at all i am a complete and utter chatterbox /end]

[transcript:

containment breach:

thinking abt netzach's scene where he doesn't talk to bremen, because he can't, but recognizes this who has not only lost themself in their own art but also their own suffering

i just i love netzach so much his entire character arc is abt learning to live with depression and learning to want to live again

so he becomes unable to understand, really, why someone would sacrifice themselves for their own art

when he started out just, similar yet different from bremen, completely submerged in his own misery

musicians of bremen reminds me i still have bremen bon bons at home i should eat those. they r tasty /end]

i wanna specifically dig into this scene more because i love that scene, a lot.

Art as we get to know it in the City is irrevocably tied to violence. Puppets are made of human bodies, music is played on bones and sinews. To the artists of the City, to create art is to make someone suffer. Rewatching Netzach's story bits, Roland describes it as doing nothing but seeking stimulation and being provocative.

Furthermore, there is a direct comparison between art and alcohol. To paraphrase more, the Pianist must've been one hell of a stimulant, like getting hit by a strong booze. A performance some are still hungover from.

Netzach's main struggle was addiction because of depression, and his growing appreciation for art is a continuation of that arc. He says himself that art and alcohol are linked.

However, alcohol is a step down from hard drugs. Netzach hasn't quit, but just that step down shows he learned moderation, which makes me very proud of him.

Moderation is what the other.. let's just call them artists, lack. I said in the screencaps above, initially, Netzach was lost in his own suffering, and the musicians of bremen are lost in their art. And if art is seen as equal to suffering, that just means Netzach and Bremen are more similar than expected. (Especially considering what we see of the musicians previously; they’re always trying to chase the same high they experienced listening to the Pianist by any means necessary. The addiction parallels are not suprising.)

I rewatched most of Netzach's lor scenes, and what rlly gets me is that in his first one, he seems almost the exact same as in lobcorp. He doesn't want to work, he got dragged into this against his will, he feels as if his accomplishments are futile.

But! He eventually invites Roland for drinks. He's not drinking to forget alone anymore, he's doing it as social activity. Furthermore, the more time he spends as Patron Librarian of Arts, the more he grows to appreciate art. Art is tied to suffering, still, but it is an expression of suffering. It does not produce any. Or should not, in any case. He sure wishes it wouldn’t.

So we arrive at his Ensemble Reception. This one makes a rather interesting comparison: art as the pursuit of the light. Let me elaborate.

To quote, “Honestly, I wanna tell people to stop doing the kind of art that requires ‘em to immolate themselves and others. Although, on the other hand... I can kinda see where they’re coming from. Art narrows your vision, after all.

You stop caring about the things around you. That’s how most artists seem to act, I think. And so, you indulge in the craft, not realizing that you’re throwing yourself and your surroundings into the fire you started.”

I pose this: Netzach speaks of his experience as Giovanni. Giovanni was a researcher who, when push came to shove, willingly sacrificed himself to advance the project, in hopes of seeing the light, seeing Carmen, again.

Though he dislikes Bremen’s actions, he does not judge them for it, because he recognized that it would be hypocritical. Even so, what shows that he’s grown is that he.. doesn’t want to see people harm themselves anymore. The focus here isn’t if Bremen hurt other people, which they have, but how much of themselves they’ve given up for their performance. He condemns the act, and not the people.

“If I can see that light once more... If I have to muster up the courage to reach it, I’ll gladly do it. It’s easier said than done, though; you need a lot of fearlessness for it.

And I guess you saw the same kind of light I was so desperate to see, yeah? Even if yours was a twisted creature... [...] Though, I don’t think I can tell you off like the others. At least I can see the reason behind it.”

He even explicitly mentions the light. The funny thing is, both Giovanni and Bremen tried to reach the Seed of Light, and Carmen. It’s tragically hilarious that we know Carmen is the voice the Distortions hear.

Hell, the more I think about it, the more you can just compare the Ensemble as a whole to the Outskirts Lab crew, down to Angelica’s puppet body and Carmen’s desecrated corpse.

“And I know pretty well that we have no right to devilishly pick apart each other’s way of art. I’m not very proud of mine, really...”

Netzach just.. gets it. I can’t remember atm, but I don’t think the other Patron Librarians really draw parallels like that. I’m seeing all the parallels now and I can’t unsee them ever. Bro.

His “art,” his way of protecting the light, is still violent. But he sees that perhaps it didn’t have to be, or rather shouldn’t be. I fucking love Netzach so much. His arc just means a lot to me personally, and I’d wager a lot of people who’ve struggled with mental illness would agree.

I’m not gonna get into Netzach’s floor realization here because this post is already long enough, but like, look at the specific flashback of Angela shown in Netzach’s story bits and contrast it to his arc of learning to want to live, and. Yeah.

[bye-bye-sunbird]

hey so um… i just recently came across ur fic “spoils of war” and I LUV IT SO MUCH AJSBJSB (i binge everything and i can’t wait for more) the “temple of gold” part tho was rlly 😳✨✨✨👍🏻👍🏻🙏🏻 and the fact that he made that contract with the priestess, making it to his advantage along with the fact that osial is taunting said darling to go out to him which would only result to her going to morax is just 😚✨✨✨💕 the characterizations are also done so well like yes morax isn’t just some other god, he’s titled the “prime of the adepti” for a reason and the way his power is written here rlly shows that. msksnwk anyways haha thsnku so much for this, ur doing such a great job and aaaa i luv the work so much. bye ✌🏻 (hope ur doing well)

Bless you Anon TuT, I hope you are doing well too sweetpea, I'm glad you are enjoying this series!!! <3 <3 <3!!

Morax here is playing the waiting game, honestly. Of course in Priestess!Darling's eyes the God of Contracts is the nicest being alive, poor bby thinks herself so unworthy of his kindness, especially considering how close she came to give in to Osial.

The sweet thing is probably praying for forgiveness, the love she had for Guizhong was of the purest kind, that Goddess was her mentor and her mother, and she misses her very deeply, and that sweet love is somehow now transferring to a very calculating Morax who, unlike Guizhong, doesn't see this pretty thing as a daughter.

Morax wants more than simple gratitude, he yearns for her true devotion, he wants her mind filled with nothing but love for him, he wants her at his feet, begging for his attention like a zealous devotee, ready to please his every whim and desire.

I am yet to write more about Priestess and Osial's relationship since the whole thing started because Osial made the first move, while Morax had noticed her long before that. And Priestess is extremely conflicted since she does feel something for Osial.

I don't want to spoil anything (hehehe, spoil, get it?... I'll show myself out...), but there's more to Osial, and there's more to Priestess herself.

[dodo-begone]

Loyal here! Just wanted to let you know that it’s okay! Life outside of Tumblr is waaay more important, so focus on that! Finals and graduation? Hella stressful! Believe me, I know. Going through the same thing right now lol! (I’ve got prom today and I have no clue what my group is doing asdfghjkl please pray for my sanity) My rambles aside, please remember to take things one step at a time. Make sure you eat, drink, and get good sleep. When things get stressful, take breaks and remember to breathe. It’s okay to take a step back when things become overwhelming. Make small goals for yourself when it gets tough. For example, make one of your goals to get out of bed, make yourself breakfast, drink a whole bottle of water, to get outside, or to make a list of assignments you have left over, if you have any. They’re nothing big, but they’ll still give you the satisfaction that comes with completing something, and it’ll give you the motivation to keep going.

Despite everything, your heath, wellbeing, and happiness are the most important thing. Don’t forget it! I’ve seen a lot of my friends—and I’ll be honest, I may or may not be a bit of a hypocrite at the moment—shove everything aside so they can prioritize studying. Doing this isn’t helpful. If anything, you’re setting yourself up for more stress, and, more often than not, failure. You can study all you want, but without keeping your health in check, you’re making it harder for your brain to retain any information and you’re effecting your ability to stay focused. It also effects your motivation! This goes for a lot of things in life. Tests, quizzes, homework, job interviews, and more! So this isn’t just for you in this moment. I’m sure you’ve heard this all before—I apologize if it’s repetitive in that case—but this is stuff that I try to keep in mind even outside of my school life, and so I mention it to friends when I think it’s needed.

I realize that I’m sending this quite a few days after your most resent post, so I apologize if this is late and finals and all that jazz are already over. If so, congrats! You did it! Buy yourself a bit of your favorite dessert and curl up and watch your favorite show/movie/YouTube video/whatever! It’s gotta be a huge weight off your shoulders knowing it’s done and over with. Studies have found that there’s no such thing as “catching up on sleep”, so if you plan on doing that or think you need to, don’t. Instead, just get to bed at a decent/reasonable time. Your body will take care of the rest. Heh, rest. Get it? Sleep. Rest. That’s a pun. Feel free to drop kick me for that one lol. I swear it wasn’t intentional.

I’m sure you’ll do (or have done) great! I believe in you! You got this dodo! :)

Thank you so much Loyal!! I did rlly good in my exams! And I hope prom was rlly nice!!

Also tried to care for myself. Didn’t work for yesterday because I had a seizure at an amusement park on a school trip but aye- dat shit funny. I went out, came back and my first thought was “wow that was a fun ride” but yea now I am in pain. All is good though, all is good.

Just wanted to get this ask out not only to answer how I was doing now but to explain that I’m probs going to be a bit more inactive. Or acting odd, ya’know?

[merakiui]

then, could i rq mori with a guillable s/o who's maybe a little too trusting in others 👉👈? i just!! rlly like opposites attract stuff hgshndnd

An Ace and a Fox (Mori)

> spy au 

Not good, you think to yourself as you analyze your surroundings to determine your current location. The warehouse provides little visibility, lit only by the windows on the second floor. Most of the them have been boarded up, and debris litters the ground. You’ve never found yourself in this sort of situation before. While you’ve been deceived in the past, it was never to this level of extremity. At least you aren’t blindfolded, so one of your senses isn’t completely useless. Still, this isn’t good at all.

No matter how Hollywood the circumstances may seem, you know this won’t have a good ending if you don’t find a way out. Your memory resurfaces as you sit there, tied to an uncomfortable chair with thick rope pressing against your constricted limbs. Hours ago, you were trying to pawn off some items you had found while dumpster diving. You had been desperate for cash, needing it for food and to pay your bills. There was also the money and favors you owed a few acquaintances. The scary reality is beginning to dawn on you as you remember just how late you are on your payment. And this time it’s gotten serious.

In hindsight, you should’ve moved to another country when you had the chance. But would any of that matter? You were positive they’d find you and attempt to wring you dry of the money you so rightfully owed. Unfortunately, you’re at a loss, unable to even afford a night at a one-star hotel. How did they expect you to pay off favors when you were barely getting by? Well, to be frank, you did this to yourself. You knew very well not to get involved with shady dealers. You should’ve turned a blind eye when that suspiciously inviting hand was held out to you in your time of need, a silent testimony to the unfavorable bond you were slowly forming with a hungry snake.

Though this can hardly be called a bond. Waiting for your demise doesn’t seem fair, but this is what your life has become. Best to suck it up and pray that luck is on your side.

A pair of fancy footsteps ring out, startling you into focusing. Designer shoes, made of leather and sewn to grim perfection, make their way towards you. You don’t have to look up to know who it is. You’re well aware of the man looming over you, dressed in a fine tuxedo and an even finer wrath. Your time of ruminating over an escape is over. Your lucky stars have burnt out, falling to Earth just like your dashed hopes.

“I had faith in you this time, (Name),” he speaks, tone thick and heavy with disdain. “I really did. But we both know it’s not good to hold onto worthless expectations when the ones I’ve set in place aren’t even being met.”

“I’m sorry.”

“An apology won’t suffice. I’m afraid begging for salvation isn’t a suitable look on you. What a shame. I thought you knew better than to ignore the clock.”

“I’ll get your money in a week. That’s all I need. You don’t have to tie me up to get your point across! I know I’m wrong, so let me fix this.”

“You can’t mend what’s already broken.” Sighing, he scuffs his shoe against the concrete. “My men are surrounding us as we chat. Try anything and it’s adios. Well, it’s not like you can do anything in that position.”

“One week,” you repeat, hoping to garner his withering sympathy. “Please. Give me another chance. I won’t let you down.”

“But you’ve already let me down. Countless times, in fact. Why should I believe your words now? What impact will they have if they’re spoken with the same tongue that’s lied a dozen times? You either pay now or you don’t pay at all.”

“I can’t!” you shout, glaring daggers at the snide man. “You know I can’t!”

“If you can’t fork over the money, you deserve to pay with your own blood. Surely that’s a fair deal?” He crosses his arms, tutting in mock disapproval. “It’s not what I would’ve wanted, but I need my money. You’ve ran out of time, (Name).”

“I was in the middle of selling some stuff when your men kidnapped me! I’ll give you everything I got today, and if you let me go I’ll get the rest.”

“Who’s to say you won’t contact the authorities?”

“Have I ever done it in the past?” you snap, a bundle of nerves interlacing with your frantic emotions. “I haven’t, so have a little faith in me.”

“You’re like a chapel that’s run out of hacks to sell. Give it a rest.” Pivoting, your kidnapper doesn’t need to announce his leave. “This is where our business officially ends.”

“Wait, no! I'm making a promise. If you just give me—don’t leave! Time. I need more time. I’ll pay you double of what I owe.”

“Don’t make me repeat myself.” He motions to the dark shadows surrounding the outskirts of your peripheral, and two people—a man and a woman—step out, pointing the cold steel of their guns at the back of your head. “Get rid of this pest. They’ve run their mouth long enough.”

And then he’s walking away, ignoring your pleading cries.

This is it, you think, pupils blown wide and darting to and fro. This is the day I die. These people are going to kill me, and then they’ll hide my corpse. No one will ever find me. I’ll be an unsolved case until the end of time!

You prepare yourself for the end of your pitiful life cycle. With twin barrels aimed for your skull, you know there’s no possibility of survival. Two bullets will find their way into your brain, causing a grand commotion of signals as your body prepares for death. You won’t be able to wonder whether or not endorphins will flood your head because your death might be instant. Or you could simply bleed out, living in a few minutes of cursed consciousness that have been granted unluckily. In your next life, you hope to be smarter than you are now. If you weren’t so easily tricked and manipulated, you might’ve been able to save yourself from this demise months ago.

It’s too late for that now, though.

Squeezing your eyes shut, you listen for the inevitable gunshots. And yet they never come. A dull click makes your eyes snap open, risking a glance at the people behind you. They curse, fumbling with their pistols and muttering about how both firearms are devoid of ammunition. Your heart practically leaps at this turn of events. As if life has been breathed into you via a tube, you struggle in your bindings, trying as hard as you can to loosen them before they’re able to reload. Around you, a symphony of clicking permeates the stilted air, grumblings coming from all over the place. You listen as your kidnapper’s underlings complain about this odd occurrence.

Without warning, bullets rain from above, and that’s when you see him. Dressed in attire befitting a silver-tongued casanova, rich in his appearance and flair, he’s leaning over the railing, looking down at the surprised men and women.

“Looking for these? You can have them.” His tone is teasing, a simple smile plastered to his face. “As long as I can have that hostage. I assume you’re content with this trade.”

“Absolutely not!” a woman shouts, scrambling to load her weapon. She motions wildly. “Go protect the boss. Little Fox is here!”

Little Fox? What a weird name. It’s one of the many thoughts that crosses your mind, but you’re grateful nonetheless for the masked stranger who has come to your rescue. If it weren’t for him, you’d be dead by now, brain matter scattered on the cold ground. I’m so relieved...

“I had a feeling I’d find everyone here.” He drops down from the second floor with such ease that it makes you question his humanity. “Perhaps you should spend your time gambling rather than intimidating this poor soul out of their funds. I suppose money makes people do crazy things. This is most certainly crazy.”

“Enough talking,” you murmur. “Help me out?”

Catching your words, he turns to face you. “And you’re just going to trust me? That doesn’t seem too wise.”

“Well, it’s not like things can get any worse, and you’re the only sane person here. I’m willing to hedge my bets.”

Your phrasing makes him chuckle. Wordlessly, he reveals a stack of playing cards, shuffling through them before plucking one from the deck. And then he flicks it in your direction. It whizzes through the air, past the men and women who are now shooting at the both of you, and it effectively slices the ropes, which fall in your lap. The glowing card returns to the deck in no time. In awe, you look around at the bullets that seem to evade you, as if they were being controlled.

“What is this?” you whisper, at a loss for an explanation. “Little Fox, who are you?”

“Who are you, to be so gullible as to get tangled up with these people?” he retorts. “We need to hurry. This gimmick won’t last forever.”

“Huh? I’m confused—whoa!” Another playing card zips past your face, nearly cutting your cheek, as it makes way for a man taking aim. More cards, glowing a bright, mesmerizing blue, circle you and Little Fox, inflicting minor flesh wounds to the men and women who can’t seem to get a fatal hit on either of you. “How are you doing this?!”

“You’ll see,” he says and you almost believe him. “Oh. Were you thinking I’d show you the trick? Maybe I should. You look like you’re inclined to trust my every word.”

“Hey, I’m not an idiot!”

“Then you’ll watch where you step.” He grabs your arm, pulling you closer to the floor before a bullet can graze your skin. Meanwhile, the cards work hard to sever the ammunition in two, rendering it inferior. You’ve never witnessed such an interesting force before. Whatever it is, you’re glad it’s working. “We should leave before their boss comes back with reinforcements.”

“Right!” Your hand locks with his, startling the blue-haired fox for a moment, and you make a run for the nearest opening, the cards lighting the way. You do your best to block out the shouting and loud gunshots of the boss’s underlings, pushing ahead even though your every nerve is riddled with fear. “How are we not dead? This is insane!”

Humoring you, he asks, “What if we are dead?” 

“Are we? We’re not, right?” You clear your throat as you continue to run, pulling him along. “Just to clarify, we’re not actually dead?”

Your words hang in the air for the entirety of your escape. It isn’t until you’re a safe distance away, hidden on the rooftop of another building and catching your breath, when he finally gives you an answer.

“Don’t worry. You’re alive. That crime syndicate won’t have anywhere to flee. As long as the others apprehend everyone.” There goes that gleaming deck again, practically floating between his skilled fingers as it’s shuffled for the umpteenth time. From your viewpoint, you can see the entire city as the sun begins its steady descent. The colors bathe the fox in a soothing light, making him seem less mysterious than he initially was. “More importantly, do you trust me enough to take my word as the truth?”

“Yeah. I mean, obviously! You saved me. If it weren’t for you and your party tricks, I wouldn’t have survived. So thank you for coming to my aid, card person.”

“Little Fox,” he corrects you. “Although I have another name.”

“Great. What is it? I’m (Name).”

“I’m not going to give out such personal information to someone I’ve only just met.”

“I guess it can’t be helped. You’re supposed to be undercover, right? Like a spy.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. It all depends on what you choose to believe.”

“Okay.” Awkwardly, you avoid his gaze. “So are you a magical spy? Is that what I witnessed back there?”

He merely shrugs and continues to shuffle. A card slips out, floating to the ground. You snatch it before it can make contact, turning it over in your hands to figure out how it was able to slice a bullet in half. You never knew a card could be so strong. 

“Which card did you pull?”

“I didn’t pull it. It fell out. But if you must know, it’s the ace of hearts.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure.” You look at the card once more, and its symbols change, reflecting the joker. “What? How? You did that on purpose!”

“It’s a possibility.”

“I’m not in the mood for card tricks. I was almost killed today!”

“Whose fault is that?”

“Mine...” You lower your head in shame. “This is the worst.”

“it’s only the worst because you’ve made it so. If you didn’t know, the ace used to mean bad luck. Now everyone sees it as a decent card.” Once again, the symbols have reverted to said design.

“I’m totally not an ace.”

“An ace wouldn’t blindly trust anyone when someone does them a favor.”

“That was a few times! I’m not going to do it again.” You huff, leaning closer to him. Curiously, you grab his mask, lifting it up to see his face. Golden eyes peer back at you, pupils dilated in silent shock. “Thanks again for saving me.”

“My services aren’t free,” he mutters softly, taken back by your sudden closeness.

“Oh!” You pull away, rummaging through your pockets for any spare change. “Right. Sorry, let me see what I’ve got.”

The fox deadpans, thinking to himself, They can’t be this trustful. There’s no way...

“I’ve got three euro coins. Will this be enough? Probably not, but it’s all I have at the moment. If you give me a few days, I can definitely pay you. I’ll even treat you to a pastry. Is that okay? If it’s not, you can name your price. I won’t—”

You’re cut off by his melodious laughter. Flinching, you stare at him, wondering what in the world could be so funny. “I was kidding.”

“What?! And here I was, ready to pay you for your hard work. I can still give you money, though. If that’s what you want!”

“No, I don’t need your money. Thanks, though. I’d advise you to take better care of your finances so you won’t get tricked again.”

“I should do that.”

“And you shouldn’t put your faith in just anyone.”

“Of course. I’ll do better.”

“And you can’t expect this to happen whenever you’re in a bind. I’m not a babysitter.”

“I... I know that.” Heat rises to your face, burning intensely as night falls upon you and your newfound savior. “You don’t have to scold me. I’m an adult just like you.”

“I would’ve thought you were a child, what with how gullible you are.”

“Very funny. That smile isn’t fooling anyone.”

“Hm? What do you mean?”

“I give up...”

------

Mori stares at the ace in his hand, glinting even when held against the stark, rainy backdrop of the window. He thinks of the peculiar person he met the other day. They could’ve been on death’s door, and then he stepped in, ensuring that that wouldn’t happen. It was a relief the Department chose to send him on the mission, as he knew how to look before blindly diving in. He’s learned many things in his past, all of which have been useful lessons in his present life. There’s a somber twinge to his thoughts as he reflects upon the one whom he currently misses. He flips the ace over once in an effort to distract himself from his master.

(Name) seemed like a fun person, albeit far too trusting when it came to a matter of survival. Mori knows better than to trust those around him. He won’t make the same mistake twice, so he can only hope that you will be smart in how you play your cards. Though he may never cross paths with you again and though fate has a cruel way of conjoining those who are opposites, he’s still impressed at your unwavering ability to follow anyone who so much as lends you a hand. How can anyone be like that? It must be a nightmare.

And yet it’s anything but a bad dream. You’re as real as he is, a huge contrast to his morals. While he regrets the fact that you’ve already seen his face—all prospects of anonymity gone—he can’t help the feeling of intrigue. Maybe it’s just misplaced, considering you’re one of the more interesting victims he’s seen during hectic missions. Regardless, he hopes you’ll be wise for the future.

Once again, the ace glitters back at him. Perhaps if you learn to fight your own battles, you might just become the unsuspecting ace in a deck of scrambled misfortunes. If anything turns sour, which is something Mori is more than accustomed to, he knows that money can be trusted far more than the thin wills of most people. Casting all thoughts of the master aside, he puts the ace back into the deck and shuffles.

The joker peeks out, a wild card that can be anything it wants if put to the test. Little Fox smiles a familiar smile. You’re an interesting card. Maybe your paths will intersect one day, and maybe they won’t. It’s not like he knows, nor does he trust that sort of intuition, but it’s nice to think about.

[snuhee]

♡ fanfic writers tag game 

tagged by: @stealanity ─  thank u for tagging me this is the first game i’m doing on here i hope that its correct :,) 

tagging: @jjaehyuk hi bffie notice me 

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

i use to write on wattpad like 3/4 years ago...it was quite embarrassing but i wrote for bts 

2. what fandoms are you currently writing?

i’m currently writing for tbz!! but i might write for more groups when i’m settled in and used to writing, so stay tuned for that :P 

3. how long have you been writing?

hmmm 4 years if you don’t count the big hiatus i took though but i’m back 

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

only on tumblr 

5. what is your favorite genre to write?

definitely fluff, it’s just rlly cute n makes u all warm inside ^__^

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

little bit of both ig? sometimes if an idea pops up in my head i’ll write it in my notes so i can go back and brainstorm OR i just start writing without thinking n pray it goes well LMAO 

7. one-shot or multi-chapter?

one shots! with multi-chapters, i would like to try it one day but i’m not confident with my writing skills rn T__T i do plan on making a smau so watch out for that too!!!

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

in my opinion it doesn’t rlly matter

9. what is your longest published story?

this old taehyung series i wrote on wattpad HELP but i do have this unpublished sunwoo fanfic in my notes with 1654 words. i’m not proud of it so i don’t plan on posting it

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

juice box, eric sohn i really enjoyed writing it because when i was thinking who should i pick for this story i immediately thought of eric bc it had fit his personality the most! i think the writing went well too ><

11. favorite request you’ve written and why?

well i’ve only written one request so far haha TT pls go check it out if you can! ice cream, lee hyunjae

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

errr i’ve never thought abt that, im not sure 

13. current number of wips?

right nowww only 3 lol 

14. three things you have noticed about your writing?

see IDK but i do need to improve more bc my writing is kinda bland n sometimes idk how to explain smth well or transition into another sentence

15. a quote you like from a published story?

“i know you don’t realize this, but you’re worthy of everything good that has happened to you. i think it’s important that we take care of ourselves and strive to keep going even when it’s hard.” from: juice box, eric sohn

16. a quote from an unpublished story?

"kim sunwoo, you seem a little too good at this." he shrugged his shoulders with a smirk on his face. "i've been waiting for this moment since i was born." 

"oh is that right" you smirked back before you kissed him again. from: that sunwoo fic i talked abt on number 9 B)

17. space for you to say something to your readers!

thank you soso much for enjoying my writings n reblogging them, you don’t know much it means to me. it brings me so much joy when ppl interact w my work <33 i will continue to write if it makes ppl happy ^__^ and shoutout to my friends who cheered me on the way i appreciate it dearly 

[shorkbrian]

INBOX

SO! I know I hoard asks. It’s a bad habit. Reasons?

I like to go look at them when I’m sad because they cheer me up.

I don’t want anyone to get annoyed that my blog is clogged up with asks, it’s a fear of mine that someone will think I'm annoying.

BUTT! My inbox is so cluttered right now, It’s hard for me to find certain requests. I saw someone else do an mass ask answering like this, and I LEARNED that if I tag it, I can look that tag up on my blog!

ALSO PSA you can also comment on my pics or message me to talk!!!!! I will never turn anyone away!!! I love you all!

ANOTHER PSA - if you want to not have to see this in the future, pls block the tag “shorkbrian answers a lot of asks”

Lets get ready to rumble!!!!!!!

These are in no particular order! Know that if you don’t see an ask you sent, it’s because I plan on writing something for it, probably like a lil Drabble cause those are my favorite (can you tell?)

Hello! My pronouns are They/Them or He/Him! I want to like give u a big ole hug for this question, You’re super sweet!

OOP Okay listen I’ve had a couple dreams with very unsavory happenings and each one is awful and so so scary. I hope your dream didn’t make you feel icky or anything dude. I Lub u, stay safe.

I am speechless. This is.... wow man. This is an amazing, positive review of my work and I feel so blessed and honored that you took the time to message me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE reading what people think of my work, and this one made me just like. I am like so blessed dude. Speechless (in the best way possible)

AHHHHH Thank you!!!! Look at those emojis!!!! SO bright and colorful and fun!!!!

As a fellow Hornee person that is dumb, I would like to say...... Why stop at a chefs kiss? are you afraid to kiss me on the mouth, homie? For future reference, I like tongue. (asdaslhjkah sorry I’m stupid but Thank you for these kind words!!!! What nice descriptors man, I’m like wilting under the praise its too much!)

Yes, reader is NOT going to have a fun time. Thanks for reading! I appreciate your support so so so much!!

Hey, listen! Requests are “closed” so I can have time to catch up without getting overwhelmed. If one or two slip in, they won’t get deleted :)

Bro, I recently talked to a friend with a similar experience. I’m so sorry for the things you’ve had to deal with, it sounds awful. The world is big and scary and VERY loud, and you are so amazing for navigating it. Bakugou would give you insane cuddles to help u feel better, remember dat okie?

Maybe! I’m getting around to things babey, it might take a hot second. But I will try!

Thank you! I try babey I try lol. I Lub u by the way thank u for msging me

I accept this wisdom. Thank you for sharing. I pray for a time when I will be able to use it.

You nailed it. I want this on my tombstone pls and thank u.

omg omg thank youuuuuuuu!!!!! Honestly, I think Izuku is still so so so shy, even when it comes to doing stuff with his darling.  ugh his poor darling. Ur right tho, no one would ever believe that Izuku was doing bad stuff. But once again!!! Thank YOU for reading and taking the time to send me an ask!!!! Warms my heart

wait wait okay I LOVE LOVE LOVE Kirishima I am his BIGGEST simp and this compliment? SENT ME TO OUTER SPACE. I squealed so hard I got like liftoff and I made it out of the atmosphere. This is the BEST thing EVER Thank you SO much my heart is POURING out love Grimm I would DIE for u no cap 

idk? Personally, I hate being touched so I probably would politely be like “Pls dont ahah” but I would hit him with paper airplanes with cute little notes inside.

I wish I wish with all my heart that I could turn into a small person tonight. Like, I'm crying. I am 6′0 and built like a refrigerator aint nobody able to manhandle me... *sobs in big man syndrome* I will continue to feed u tho bc it is a GIANT fantasy of mine to be manhandled and tossed around. lets goooooo

I don’t want to be a religion, can we start a cult? I’ll be the sacrifice.

bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk TOO LATE (Also thank ant the comment abc my humor! Inspires me and tbh enables me)

no U 

“hey google?”

“What can I help you with today?”

“Why do I have the SWEEEEEEETEST followers ever? How did this happen? They make me blush I can’t handle it”

I have a SIMP???????? Come off anon u and I are going to talk and then passionately kiss. (not rlly but I do Lub you, thank you for the kind and gentle words)

bonk bonk bonk bonk (Also this was sent to me on a Sunday? I live in America bruv)

Pls don’t I almost peed my pants I was snorting at 2am and trying my hardest not to disturb my cat it was very hard (Repeat I almost PEED my PANST U HEATHEN)

wait stop stop u always give me such amazing comments skid I want to give u a candle made with wax and tears of love. You are so sweet. Pls never hesitate to reach out for a chat I luv u okei

BLACK HEART ANON I’m dedicating everything in my will to u, hope you know that. Okay, but seriously - I get being afraid of people. I don’t think you’re being hypocritical, I think you’re being kind and selfless and reaching out a helping hand to a loser like me. Black heart emojis low-key always make me think of you now and it fills my heart with warmth. Thank you for existing dude,

What have I said about the chefs kiss? Kiss me on the mouth u cowards. Do it.

Also this ask made me SAWFT I want to gibe u like idk a candy heart necklace to show how SOFT and Ugh demonstrate my LUB

I am glad I found YOU!!! Not everyone bothers to comment or interact or send me nice asks. They make my day man. You rock!

YYaaaayyyyaa!!! I’m cool with all the canon characters of BNHA except for Bakubro. I adore his fanon personification, but just how he acts in the show..... that aint it chief. I totally get u

TYSM!!!! Heart heart!! Aizawa has the potential to be so creepy and awful, he’s super interesting to try and write for! I’m glad you like my content, and thank you for telling me such!!!!!!!! LUB U

GRIMMM STAWWWWWWP I’m like on the verge of like melting into a PUDDLE of goopy admiration how the heck do u even know my blog ur so cool and I still can’t believe I can like.... talk to you. Ur rad dude.

BLACK HEARTTTTTTT You are never invading my privacy. Your asks are two that I hold very near and dear to my heart. I reread them over and over and they help when I’m having sucky days. Pls pls pls recognize that you’re an amazing person and you lift up my spirits and you are genuinely awesome. I love u Black Heart

I LOVE Kiri, have I mentioned? He’s my fav. And yes!!! I am VERY open to ideas!!!! Love pretty much everything and anything that comes my way!!! thank u for sending me an ask dude, means a lot :)

Sensitive anon, my dear dear friend if ur reading this know that I adore talking with u and I like hearing about ur day and You are so sweet and you make the world a better place by being in it

WE SIMP...... TOGETHER!!!!

Another beautiful baby that I always see interacting with me!!! I love you so so much and Each time your name pops up in my motifs I get so excited to see what you say!!! I’ve been holding onto this ask FOREVER because the little picture is SO CUTE and it makes me softer than melted butter man.

Okay, we’ve done it lads! I love each and every one of you!!!!!!!

[shibalen]

[1/3] Hi~ May I pls request a Magi + KnY romantic male matchup? I'm a 5'0 hetero fem. I love to draw & sing especially! (I sing opera & I wanna be a voice teacher) I often take endless pics of the sunset and sea bc it's so pretty. I dislike bossy ppl. Quirk: I have a red birthmark on my arm shaped like Alaska lol! To strangers, I'm quiet, shy, friendly, and kind of a loner bc I'm rlly awkward (plus I value my time alone) I easily open up to funny ppl tho.

[2/3] In private, I'm more chill, funny & playful, especially w/ family. I can joke around them a lot. I have a short temper but I forgive just as quickly. I tend to smile or laugh a lot if I'm feeling embarrassed, sometimes I feel stupid for doing so :( I can be hard on myself yet I feel it's necessary to improve. I'm an appreciative person so I'll say thank you like 1000 times lol! I like to be straightforward in relationships even tho I still may be shy. I highly value family & honesty.

[3/3] I'd prefer a s/o who is family-oriented, devoted & genuine. It'd be great if they have a sense of humor too! I'd be the type to sing softly to my s/o while we're alone and close together. Maybe try to lull them to sleep, hehe! Thank you so much! Sorry it was so long, please take your time! I appreciate your hard work! Stay safe and healthy!! (*´︶`*)ﾉ"=͟͟͞͞♡

♡︎ matchup for @ne-nene-ne

bonjour! omg we sound so much alike? idk maybe it's just me? hehe

anyhowdies, thank you for your patience and popping up in my notifications so often! here is your mauchup~

|| magi: i match you with . . .

koumei ren

• since Koumei is not fond of loud and lively people, he would love all of your qualities! you're quiet but still easy to get along with, playful but value family as much as he. someone as well-balanced is a good match for him.

• he completely understands the habit of being hard on oneself. i feel like he's like that as well (hence all those hours of work) while he can appreciate your need to improve, he never fails to check up on you, ensuring you're not being overly critical of yourself.

• you wish he could do the same for himself because the words 'enough sleep' and 'self care' do not apparently belong into this man's vocabulary. you gotta gently remind him to eat and take a bath.

• also pls lull him to sleep, he needs it. all those late nights planning military strategies have done their part so your heavenly voice is the only thing that can put him at ease.

• you can just be talking and he already finds himself relaxing.

• he's eternally grateful to you for coming into his life ♡︎

• Komei is incredibly devoted and would never dream of betraying you. if he comes back late, know he was not out doing anything unfaithful but once again got emerged in planning tactics.

• he knows you get angry at him sometimes for it so he will try to make it up to you by any means!

• your first meeting was at an arranged marriage. your arranged marriage. it was something neither of you wanted at first and honestly it was pretty awkward with both of you being more reserved (ーー;)

• it wasn't until you bumped into each other in the drawing room that you began talking about your shared interests and growing closer.

• since then drawing became reserved for spending quality time together and relaxing.

• Koumei got a tad insecure though when he realised he had fallen in love with you although you were already married. he knew he was inferior when it came to appearances and quite sloppy in mannerisms compared to his brothers, poor thing.

• thankfully you caught onto that quite quickly and reassured him you loved him just the way he was ♡( ◡‿◡ )

• for someone so smart Koumei had no idea what to do except stand there with butterflies in his stomach and heart warming up so much the heat reached to his cheeks.

• he may appear like a gentleman, but once you've gotten past that layer you'll find out he has quite the sense of humor.

• you can joke around with him all you want as long as it's about nothing too inappropriate. you should also expect some light-hearted teasing, hehe

• i'm sorry to say this but occasionally your height will be targeted, he can't help but rest his hand on your head. it's cute, it's vulnerable, it's free real estate!

• if you get annoyed by this he'll just feign innocence . . .

• "could you stop using me as your armrest?"

• "armrest? what are you talking about? i am simply expressing my love for you through physical affection, my dear :)"

• more than teasing though, Koumei likes complimenting you. he will ruffle your hair affectionately, tell you what a good job you've done, how pretty you you look. you might think it's just flattery but rest assured all of these come from his heart!

• look no further because Koumei will use his status to show you the most beautiful sceneries in Kou.

• sunsets from high towers, a wide view of the ocean from imperial ships. when you've got a bit more time he'll carry you through the skies at twilight with his djin equip.

• sneaky bastard might just do a few stunts to have you cling onto him tighter (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

• he prefers staying indoors during his free time so he'd be more than happy to listen to you practice opera singing.

• sometimes he goes outside to feed pidgeons and invites you along. those are such peaceful moments when you can talk about your worries or just admire how nice the weather is.

• Koumei lowkey prays you won't get into fights with Kouen or Kouha because they're both really bossy and you have a short temper.

• but because family is important for them as well, you'll learn to get by. he's so happy.

• though when will you start to think about having your own family? that's a question for later date because at the moment all Koumei wants is to live a happy, comfortable life with you ♡︎

runner up: Alibaba Saluja

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

|| kimetsu no yaiba: i match you with . . .

tanjirō kamado

• you guys have such matching sweetheart energies that i had to put you together!

• you also have the same values of family and honesty which makes your relationship all the stronger. you both respect each other and there is nothing but trust in your communication.

• your first meeting happened when you were teamed up together for a mission along with Zenitsu and Inosuke. Zenitsu immediately, of course, got googly eyed for you and feral boy Inosuke wanted to fight you.

• you started feeling awkward with so much going on but Tanjirō quickly got them to give you space.

• he approached you so kindly, understanding you were shy in this new situation.

• it took little time for you to open up to the Kamaboko gang, seeing as how bizarre they are, but Tanjirō was special from the beginning. needless to say, he was curious about you as well |ω-o)

• you two hit it off so well and continued to hang out after the mission. he never pressured you to talk and his patience felt almost godsent. with every new bit he learnt about you Tanjirō found himself becoming more and more enamoured with you.

• he finds your playful yet relaxed mannerisms so pleasant. you're like his sanctuary whenever he needs a break from the restless world around him. he knows he can tell you everything and anything and you'll listen.

• Tanjirō absolutely loves pampering you! you're such a lovely person that all he wants is to make sure you receive back all the positivity that you spread around.

• he won't judge you for your short temper, i mean he's friends with Inosuke after all. he'll only ever look at you with sweet, loving eyes.

• if you do have a small argument, you both end up apologising a million times and laughing cause neither of you will stop saying sorry. it's the cutest thing.

• Tanjirō is a bit on the serious side, and it's canon that he's insecure about the trait. it would be so wholesome if you taught him how to loosen up and joke around!

• he'd be clumsy at it at first but gradually get the hang of it.

• his jokes would still be so bad, poor child. you think it's really adorable though and laugh anyway ♡︎

• that proud twinkle in his eyes when he sees he succeeded making you smile is just— asdfghjk so full of love

• will assure you there is never anything wrong with laughing or smiling. your laugh is one of the most beautiful sounds to him so be prepared for a lot of silly jokes.

• please teach this boy to draw, i'm begging

• you and Nezuko are basically like siblings already. Tanjirō's heart swells every time he finds you with Nezuko, braiding her hair, singing to her or even simply giving her headpats.

• it's during times like those especially that he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life together with you.

• won't not brag about it aloud but Tanjirō likes he's the only person that get to hear you sing (aside from Nezuko) it's like your little secret, something that's reserved for him alone

• Zenitsu always grits his teeth seeing what lovebirds you are. though you were both a little shy about it at first, there is almost always some physical affection between you: hand holding, leaning against each other, cute, fluttering kisses.

• his favourite places to kiss you are your forehead and lips. he may get a bit flustered if you do it to him though but that's because he's so happy ♡︎

• !sharing cool scar/birthmark stories!

• "see, it looks like Alaska!"

• ". . . what's an Alaska? is it an animal?"

• "no, it's a land, silly. a very faraway land."

• "oh, i see! we should go there together some day. it'll be great!"

• your dates include many walks and picnics in the forest. he wants to show you all the best views of sunsets and oceans there are!

• i know this sounds corny but Tanjirō will 100% gaze at you instead while you're admiring the scenery. your reaction is just so precious and you look absolutely stunning in the soft light. you can't really blame him for being smitten ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

• he will remind you every day how dear you are to him. with daily but meaningful displays of affection, Tanjirō lets you know he will never leave your side ♡︎

runner up: Kyōjuro Rengoku

i hope you enjoyed! i admit i haven't seen magi in ages so i don't know how well it turned out ㆆ﹏ㆆ but thank you for the kind wishes, and make sure to take time off to breathe ♡︎

[welcome-to-the-petting-zoo]

Hey guys! I was wondering if any of you could offer me some tips on calming yourself down or lessening stress? Because of my contamination fears and the fact that I live in the U.S. everything has been piling up. My family doesn’t rlly take me or anything seriously either. So I’ve been falling into fits of “I’m not going to be able to leave the house in years, what’s the point in being here” and general other bad thoughts so I wonder if anything you known could help calm me down? Thanks!

Hey there Anon,

TP here. I'm so sorry you're struggling like this, and especially that your family can't/won't provide you with the support you need.

I'm going to try to collect some general advice and some healthy coping techniques, maybe you can find something here that can relieve your stress. I don't know enough about your lifestyle, specific issues and circumstances to tailor the list to your needs too much, but I'll try to bring up some varied points so maybe there is something you'll find useful.

There are things you can do in the moment to relieve stress and then there are things that are more preventive or work over a longer period, I'll try to cover both categories.

Let's start with in the moment relief:

Grounding. The same way grounding techniques can help with dissociative symptoms, they are also a great tool for stress relief. If you can take a moment to collect yourself, it can help you avoid blowing up or imploding into a depressive mess. There are great breathing exercises geared towards stress relief, but you can also do some physical practices, like putting your hands together in front of you like you were praying, and pressing your palms together as hard as you can, for as long as you can. This will release the physical tension in your body and with that, some of the emotional charge will dissipate too.

Depending on whether your stress manifests as anger, you can also do anger relief exercises, such as trying to rip a piece of cardboard in as many pieces as you can, or, my personal favourite, taking an old pair of sneakers and throwing them against the ground or an outdoor wall, because that won't harm either the wall or the shoes, and it's loads better than turning that anger on yourself or another person. Of course if you can manage your anger without having to act on it, all the better, but if you feel like you're about to explode, blowing off the steam in a non-dangerous way that still allows you to express your destructive urges can work.

This is extreme, but if you have the environment (e.g. you can go to a place away from humanity), you can even try to just scream as loudly as you can. I've never tried this method, but some people swear by it.

Remove yourself from the situation/environment. I know it can be super hard during the pandemic, but if you have the chance, just taking a walk, especially if you can go somewhere devoid of people in nature, is one of the best ways to clear your head and give yourself the space you need to calm down. What I often do is, I get on my bike and take a long ride on some abandoned back roads, which of course is a very special privilege most people don't have, but if you can carve out a little space for yourself somewhere, that can do wonders.

If you can't leave the house because of your fear of contamination or any other reason, I would advise you put on a pair of headphones, if you have noise cancelling ones, those are the best, but basically any pair will do, lie down on your bed and listen to music or nature sounds for a while. I live listening to the sea, or forest noises. There are several free apps you can download that let you create your own sound scapes from different sound elements, so you can tailor your experience to your specific tastes. If lying still is too hard or distracting, you can also try pacing while listening, just make sure you keep to a slow and steady stroll so you won't end up accidentally winding yourself up even more.

You can try doing some yoga, workout or sport. There are a lot of exercises you can also do indoors and generally, moving your body is a wonderful thing, it relieves stress, releases some happy chemicals and tires you out so you won't feel anxious anymore. Basically how this works is, emotions have physical "symptoms" and they work both ways. If you're experiencing the bodily sensation, you'll get the emotion as well, which also means, if you can stop the physical symptom, the emotion will go away too. For example, if you make yourself smile even though you're in a bad mood, you'll soon start feeling better, or the thing when people get anxious or angry because they are hungry and they can feel a knot in their stomach... It works just like that with anxiety/stress as well, if you can relieve the tension from your body, you'll also feel less stressed.

You can try stim toys or other equipment that's geared towards people with sensory integration issues. These tools were developed for people who get easily overwhelmed, so they are extremely efficient for relieving stress. There are tons of different kinds, so you can experiment with what feels right for you. Maybe it's a squishy toy, maybe a weighted blanket, or something you can bite into or a logic puzzle to stimulate your brain. As I said, there are loads of resources out there, and I'm positive there is something you could benefit from, and well, these tools are there for anybody who needs them, so feel free to experiment with them!

Okay, so let's take a look at the longer term things.

Meditation is one of the most awesome things ever. If you're not into spirituality, or if you think it's bullshit, rest assured, that's where I came from too... Until I've tried it. It helped me so much with my insomnia and other stress related issues, and well, it's not like I'm suddenly a hardcore Buddhist or something (not that there is anything wrong with that either, meditation and spirituality/any religion can absolutely go hand in hand), because in the end I like being my weird pragmatic self, but even so, meditation is something I love doing, it gives me peace and teaches me how to relax and come closer to understanding what my body needs and how to pay attention to it. There are also very cool resources for that, both apps and podcasts/YouTube channels that have guided meditation materials or that teach you different techniques.

If you have the spoons, please, do exercise! It is so damn helpful and important, but I also know it's something that can be super hard and I also struggle with it a lot, but whenever I actually manage to move around just for a few minutes, I feel so accomplished and so well physically and mentally.

Try to express your emotions in different ways. Create awesome vent art (your skill level doesn't matter, you can literally be scribbling on a piece of paper, or squishing a block of clay into a shapeless lump, it's not about artistic quality)! Experiment with different media and techniques, write, draw, sculpt, make collages out of magazine cuttings, press flowers, knit emotional sweaters, whatever your preferred method is, creating is a truly healing experience. It allows you to collect your thoughts and emotions and express them in a way that engages your brain in a different way than just thinking about it does, and it turns the negative emotions into positive experiences of creation and relaxation.

Ask someone to give you a massage. Again, back to the whole body and mind influence each other thing, not to mention that massages feel awesome and if it's a friend or loved one giving it, it also creates intimacy and a shared good moment which in and of itself can help a lot.

Talk about it! Seriously, fuck those people who tell you it's somehow wrong to talk about your issues or that you're being a burden. YOU'RE NOT! If you're in distress or you just feel like you need a talk, just do it! If you have noone to talk to, just get back to me, I'll be happy to listen if that means you're feeling better. There will ALWAYS be people who would happily listen to your venting if that would make you feel relief.

Finally, if this is something that's an option for you, consider talking to a therapist or your healthcare provider. They might be able to point you in the direction of some resources or talk about the possibility of temporary medicinal treatment until the pandemic blows over.

I hope this helps a little bit, and of course, if you have any follow-up questions, I'll be happy to elaborate on any of the points. I'm sorry for not including specific links or resources, but I'm a disabled weirdo and right now typing this out is all I have in me. But if you can't find something, or would like specific recommendations, get back to me and I'll look into the specifics for you.

Best of luck,

TP

[closetedotaku01]

i rlly hope youll keep writing after Kinktober, bc as a writer myself i see so much potential in your writing. it's already great, but it really reminds me of my own writing from a year or two back. i was the one who asked how long you've been writing & i've been writing fanfic for 7 years so its cool to see how good you already are. youre going to improve so much over time & i'm really excited to see it, you do so many things in your stories well & theyre only going to get better! (1/2)

THIS GOT SO LONG IM SORRY!!!

This.... I—. WARMED MY HEART!! Pick a name or emoji or whatever you want and you are an official anon!! Also this got long so.. READ MORE IF YA WANNA!!

Thank you so much for saying you see potential. Sometimes I’m really.... unhappy with my work and feel like I can’t improve and this just... MADE ME SO HAPPY!! Like... hearing it from someone who does write💜💜💜💜💜 makes my whole life.

I’m so excited to keep growing and I hope you stay for the journey because this is so sweet. Maybe casually come off anon way down the road (so I can’t guess) just so I can read some of your work too 👉👈. And no worries there will be more after Kinktober. I am really enjoying this and have no plans to stop writing any time soon.

~~~~

Okay so my favorite published authors are Jandy Nelson (I’ll Give You The Sun is a book I reread constantly. It’s my comfort book. I swear if my soul was anywhere besides my body, there’s a piece of it trapped in that book.), Fredrick Backman (specifically And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer), Brigid Kemmerer (literally all of the books she’s published with Bloomsbury I’ve read and adored), and Neal Schusterman (Specifically the Arc of a Scythe Trilogy). They all write in ways that affect me deeply and they mean a lot to me. I don’t necessarily try to emulate them, but they definitely are the authors I consult (by reading and rereading their works) to get ideas and to learn how to write.

~~~~

Fanfic authors. I think I’ve made it pretty damn clear on here that I am hopelessly in love with @imaginethathaikyuu (I’m still too scared to tag her I’m sorry) and her writing. She means the whole world to me in every way. Her writing always hits me in a MAGICAL way. Especially her newer pieces. Works of hers that hit hard for me are: (please note this list is not comprehensive. These are just the FIRST ONES that came to mind. All her work is objectively great.) 

-Tsukishima accidentally teases his s/o’s insecurity - this one holds my heart.

-Heated argument with Tsukishima - this is the angst I adore. Honestly, this might be one of my TOP TOP favorites, because it feels so real. 

-Morning sex with Tsukishima -just the line “theyre your tits!” That’s all. Brings me serotonin beyond words. And it feels so genuine and lovely. Again... she makes the world so real. Also in my TOP TOP favs. (Is my Tsukki love showing too much?)

-Helping you when you can’t sleep - This is beyond words beautiful

-Helping you study - PLEASE I NEED THIS NOW

-Tanaka finding out his s/o is pregnant - YES! SHE DOES TANAKA SO WELL

-Tanka asks Kiyoko to dance.... but she says no - SO WELL 

-Riding Headcanons -🙈

-S/O is nervous about him going down on her  -because who ISNT the first time?

-Learning about your self-harm scars -hits close to home and Iwa’s makes me cry every time.

-Akaashi making it up to you after a fight -my favorite color is literally purple 💜

-Bokuto’s s/o has a nightmare - I literally revisit this one whenever I have a nightmare

- Kinktober 2019 - ALL .... but the ones I revisit the most are Tsukishima’s, Oikawa’s, Futakuchi’s, Yaku’s, Iwa’s, Yamaguchi’s, and Matsukawa’s.

-Kinktober 2020 - please GOD read Kuroo’s, Mattsun’s, Iwa’s, Suna’s, and Atsumu’s. They’re all immaculate but those in PARTICULAR were MASTERPIECES.

-Having an angsty fight - particularly Kuroo’s GETS TO ME. Like... damn. Makes me... melt. Idek why. It’s just, again, how real she makes it feel. From the atmosphere and setting to the way the characters behave. A lot of times in “argument angst” (is that a term?) the arguments feel so shallow and stupid. And I’m like “on my moodiest days I wouldn’t react like that” or “Kuroo WOULD NEVER”. But these feel so real. Ughhhh.

-You give Kenma a gift mid-stream 

-Kenma gets turned on during a stream - can you tell I love the way she writes streamer Kenma 😌 also this is my fav nsfw-esque Kenma piece solely because it feels accurate to his character in a beautiful way despite me headcanoning that he’s ace.

-Oikawa’s s/o wakes up without him there

-Iwaizumi getting.... caught.... by Makki and Mattsun... with you  -Give Iwa More Love 2020

-Tendo teasing his s/o by ... taking care of himself - One of the first Em pieces I ever read. I don’t think it was THE first. But it was definitely the first one I read like... RIGHT AFTER she posted it.

-Tendo comforting s/o who’s parents yell - hits very close to home for me, and I just wanted him to come whisk me away the first time I read this

-7MIH with Tendo  -hehe I love this more than anything. Also Ushijima’s ONE line makes me CACKLE. I’m in love with this one

-This two part series with Atsumu (1) (2) -haha I reread these too often

-Kneel to Pray  (Sakusa) -I have not even one criticism or negative thought. Not one. And I’ve read this TOO many times.

-Tough boys are soft for you - two of the best boys

- Countdown to Christmas - Days 6,7,11, and 12 are the ones I reread the most

THIS IS SO BAD!! I WENT STRAIGHT TO THESE AND DIDN’T THINK IT WAS THAT MANY COS I REREAD THESE ONES REGULARLY. (And there’s a lot more theatre good. Please explore her blog! It’s WONDERFUL) Sorry for spending too much time on Em’s blog, but also.... not sorry cos she’s amazing and all of these pieces inspire me.  I’ll try to be fast for the rest of these ahfihfadsfsjfh.

 @star-puff (catch a theme of me being scared of talented authors)’s piece La Lune and her Fleur d’Amour event (search #fleur d’amour on her blog) are so creative and beautiful and truly show how talented she is. She’s amazing. EDIT: I’m adding this as soon as I’ve read it because it just made me cry. Omg. Read this. Tsukishima royalty AU it is angst though so 👀 read at your own risk. EDIT: On GOD Meg could murder me and I’d say thanks. Please read this beautiful time stamp shit it makes me HAPPY. 

UPDATE: And Meg is now responsible for the most canon Tsukki piece I’ve ever read. 

There’s a cute SMAU called Sunshine by @pudding-head-kenma and idk how she does it. It’s so good. I could never tell a story this complex, THIS WELL, using only text messages and tweets and such. She also does mini headcanons that are REALLY cute.

Anything and everything by @haik-choo is gold. Literal gold. The way she writes Tsukishima is IMMACULATE. Toxic headcanons, mischaracterizations all of its gold. And she’s a beautiful shitposter. She drops shit that makes me CACKLE at the most random times. All of it is a big yes for me.

UPDATE: this is gold.

Of course I’ve read In Another Life and OF COURSE I sobbed. Took me AN HOUR to read because I kept having to take breaks to just.... sob. VERY MUCH A HEAVY DUTY ANGST. Not for the weak of heart. BokuAka. This is probably the oldest piece I’ve read that still HITS for me. 

There are other pieces but I can’t remember them.... probably will come back and add to this post later.

Thank you for this ask. Thank you for being so kind and inspiring. I was kinda worried about releasing anything I’ve ever written and still get nervous sometimes so this ask makes me feel a hell of a lot better and makes me feel like I’m joining a WONDERFUL community like... Look at all that talent ^^^^.

[losthunx]

something edited.

The light filtered in, it’s warm glow settling upon your cheekbone. The sun had been rising later and later each day with the apocalypse coming closer. Although, with everything going to shit, that didn’t quite matter to me. The sun always found you. I knew it’d never leave you alone. I knew it would seek you during every waking hour it had, because it loved you, and it’d never stop loving you. It was drawn to you, even in your sleep. As you slumber, i watch the sun cast it’s rays onto you, as if to say “Wake up. The time for slumber has long passed.” Your nose scrunches in response, and with a sleepy sigh, your eyes open. A sleepy smile graces your lips, and somehow, the world stops in its tracks. When i’d first met you i’d noticed your energy. It was a burning, bright thing that melted my defenses away. It claimed the space in my heart with a swan-like grace, and a soft kind of comfort that'd I'd never expect. I loved you in silence yet, I also loved you louder than anyone i have loved before. I thought you’d be something comforting and warm to bask in, until the clouds came back and solitude found me again. I was wrong. You were so much more. You were the brightness and the darkness, both warm to the touch and no longer terrifying. You were death and life, happiness and bone crushing sadness, dramatism and minimalism. You were everything i thought I’d never need to experience. Yet, here I am laying next to you in a lone bed we'd found next to this abandoned building. We'd run from The End, when it first appeared. The feeling of everything falling apart was something we couldn't handle. So, instead of handling it, we pretended it never existed. We skipped town at the first chance we got, and pretended that we were headed to a resort. Like, somehow if we dreamed hard enough, it'd come true. But running doesn't stop the arrival of the things we didn't like, it only fooled us into thinking we were in control. I gaze into your eyes, and feel my lips split into the brightest half moon I could manage. Looking into your eyes was gazing into life’s deepest secrets and finding the beauty within them. The warmth of your soul feels like a hazy afternoon standing in front of your kitchen doorway. An afternoon that leads to the warmth your mother’s hands on your shoulder, the other above your head. It’s the softness of that hand and the aroma of the food it played part in making. It’s the gooey feeling inside your chest; warm like chocolate chip cookies. I say all this to say: Darling, your soul feels like growth. Life changing, bursting growth. And as i stare growth in its face, in love with every growing pain, you open your mouth and- “Baby? You ok?” a chuckle, and then, “You’re kinda staring baby boy.” The world comes rushing back. I nod, brushing the hair off your forehead, before leaning down to plant a kiss on the unnatural warmth there. Pulling you closer, I mumble into your skin, “Fine, babe. Always fine when I’m with you. “ I pull back from your embrace, eyes teary before crushing you in my arms again. “Love of my life. That’s what you are. “ Your nose brushes against my chest as your head tilts heaven-ward. Big eyes blink back at me, love wrapping around your irises. A stretch of silence follows as we stare at each other, and then, “We have a month, you know.” Those words vibrate against my throat, as I continue to run my hands through your hair, hoping for a quiet death. Quiet, but full of love as the leaves fall in October. My answer comes late, but it still comes. Soft, and truthful, and finally tired of running. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.” My nails scratch against your scalp as the lighting brightens, before deepening. My lips find your forehead, and press against it with fervor. A pleased hiss resonates in the air. I pull back, glancing at your lips. At how sweet-looking they are, at how enticing they are. Before I know it, I find myself leaning forward to reach your lips. When we connect, my heart picks up an extra beat before smoothing into the same soothing beat it’d been before. This kiss, held every insecurity I couldn't voice, and the hope that somehow, on your lips, it'd speak volumes. We separate a few seconds later, and somehow the room somehow feels a little warmer. My hand traces a line from your hair to your nape, and then  caresses it’s way to the skin of your collarbone. “Is there anything else you wanna do, before next month? October, I mean. I mean, you know what I mean.” I stumble over my words. The End was next month. Still, thinking of the end as The End was harsh. So, without much questioning we’d taken to calling it October.  After all, it was a little more comforting to turn "The End" into memories of pumpkin spice lattes, chilly weather, and carnivals. Your breath hitches, and I swear that if your body wasn’t pressed to mine, I’d completely miss it. “No. I hope we never see October.” It spills out of your mouth like black ink on parchment paper. You close your eyes and bury deeper into my chest. “I’m gonna miss this when it’s done. Don’t know where I’ll be...but I’ll miss it anyway.” The words twist at my insides until I can feel nausea rising to the surface. “Yeah. Me too, darling. Me too.” I sigh and run my hands along your back in an attempt to comfort you. You let out a slow breath as the tears you were trying to hide behind your eyelids come rushing forward. Slowly at first, and then much faster. Your shoulders start to shake and barely audible croaks sound from your throat. I lift your chin so I can kiss it. While there, I bury my head into your neck and rest my lips on your neck. I knew for a fact it soothed you, so i layed there, feeling your pulse against my lips and having the urge to hold it in my mouth. I’d take good care of it. I’d let it live in my mouth and be intimate with all the words I could never fully articulate. As retribution for taking your pulse, I’d give you mine, and live within the warmth of the best person I’d ever known. In another world  this fantasy of mine could be real. But, this world is the way it is, and no amount of praying, and begging, and hoping can erase it’s issues. (I’ve tried, and it never worked. The first time I prayed to a god I didn't believe in; begging on my knees with hands outstretched, was for her. And ever since then, the only way I can force my tongue to give devotion to a god who never cared, is for her.) I began to hum a song I knew she loved in hopes of soothing her and getting her to go back to sleep. After all, her strength was fading, as was everyone’s strength here. As her health further deteriorated, her skin seemed to cling to her bones. Before long her hands had begun to shake, and her breath began to slip out of her control like elusive wind. Simply put, the world was tearing everything apart, and it had started with her. I tighten my hands around her skinny frame, and find myself begging to whatever god would listen. “Don’t take her without me, don’t leave me alone! If she has to die, take me with her. I’m not needed here, you don’t need me. Just don’t... let her go on her own. “ And as the sun (which i hadn’t even noticed was doing her last dance across the planes of the sky, until now.) said her small farewells, I felt a warmth race down my spine. A warmth that signified, that at the very least, she shouldn’t be on her own when it was her time to go. Whether that be now, next week, the next week, or in October. That small consolation was enough to remove the shake from my hands (that i also didn’t notice was happening, wow. That’s weird, right?) like it’d never been there. My hands caress her back, and i watch as her breath lifts and rises in a synchronized dance that signified sleep. With a last squeeze to her body, I move her away from me and tuck her deeper into the bed. She needs all the sleep she can get. I exit the bed, and put on my hunting coat. I grab my hunting rifle, a switchblade, and with one last kiss to her head and a glance, I leave to collect dinner.

-

ik i’m not that amazing of a writer but please do not steal this :). I worked really hard on it and now i’m rlly sleepy and i dont wanna have to hunt you down and snatch my writing from ur nasty fingies. still, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy whatever I come out with next time. 

[seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana]

EDIT: Sorry Meg I lost the post idk where it is and I’m a little tired to look for it, sorry. In the morning I’ll find it ;)

@megatraven lOokKk! People who read this, this idea is kinda my idea but ALSO part of Megs wonderful post. Go look at it >:). But yeah. Also, italics means it’s a flashback.

He always believed in her. Whenever she joined H.E.R.A, he believed she could do things to make things better. He saw her grow up and how she did everything to help people. He was basically one of the people that taught her to do that. But he truly believes that it’s just in her soul. Even if he wasn’t there, he believes she would’ve done the right thing.

But he didn’t know doing the right thing would eventually lead her somewhere he prayed wouldn’t happen. Somewhere he hoped and begged the gods to not let someone else he loved go to. However, it still happened and his world crashed around him.

One day he woke up to a knock on his door. He got up sleepily and was confused at first. It was around 10 AM. However, he didn’t know if it was important, so he got up and answered it. He was a little surprised to see Alex there, but he noticed MC wasn’t there.

“Hey, Alex. Is something up?” Alex was sitting on the couch with Josh next to him. Josh noticed the distant look in their eyes and how they were silent for awhile. Alex was not the one to really be shy. However, Josh gave them time. He understood what it’s like to need time to explain yourself. So, after around 5 minutes of silence, Alex took in a breath and looked at Josh with such sadness. “I tried, Josh. I really did. I tried to prevent what happened, I gave everything in me, my mother tried so hard too, but...”. They stopped, eyes going to the ground as they braved themselves for what they were going to repeat.

“MC is gone...”.

Sounds seemed to stop, the world seemed to stop moving. Alwx didn’t move and Josh didn’t dare to move, as if this was a dream. Well, a nightmare. However, it wasn’t, and Josh eventually let out a cry. He didn’t like to be weak in front of people, he felt like he had to be the strong one. He guessed it runs in the family. Alex then began to panic again. “I’m sorry. I tried so hard, Josh, but nothing worked,” they told him, tears sliding down their cheeks as well.

Josh knew they would’ve done everything. Alex was family and knew how they loved MC and how she loved them back. You could basically see it in both of their faces when they just looked at each other. It’s what made Josh happy. Alex was family to him and to see MC and Alex finally get together, it made Josh extemwlt happen. However, he couldn’t stop that pang of anger, but he hid it. Because he knew he truly couldn’t hate Alex. He just couldn’t. It wasn’t in his soul. However, it still hurt, god it hurt. He lost his mother, which caused his protectivness over his sister. However, when she grew older, he believed in her, he always did. But now...she was gone...and there was nothing he could do about it.

Alex and Josh both cried for the rest of the afternoon. They couldn’t think of anything else to do. After their sobbing was done, Alex left after one more apology. Josh reassures then that it was okay. He knows they tried their hardest. However, both of them knew the other wasn’t okay, but both knew they needed time alone.

Josh went to his bedroom and sat on the bed, his life starting to feel not normal. Not even sitting on the bed felt right. He let out small, hyperventilating breaths every now and then. He felt hungry, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything. It was so long ago when he felt like this, but he always pushed to be better since he had his sister to care for. His sister...that was now gone. He fell back on his bed and looked at the ceiling, which caused a memory of him and his sister to pop into his mind.

He and his sister were laying on her bed in her room, looking at the ceiling. Their mom had bought them this machine that projected stars on the ceiling and they acted like they were stargazing. “Woah!” MC was 8 and she found this so cool. Josh and her looked at the stars and just admired them. They may not have been real, but they both loved them. Josh felt a little poke on his shoulder and turned his head to the side to see MC looking at him. “Will you take me to actually see the stars?” He smiled at his sister and ruffled her hair. “Of course I will!” MC giggled and looked back at the ceiling. It was a lovely night.

He sighed at that memory. It would’ve caused happiness to bloom if it was yesterday, but now it caused sadness and grief to form. He did take her to the park to see the stars one night. Their mom came too and it was all perfect. But now, those 2 people were gone. The hole that was left from his mothers death suddenly got wider and bigger, almost taking up his whole heart. It hurt, it felt he was dying, but he knew it wasn’t.

Fate wouldn’t be that kind to him.

On the day of her funeral, it was held at a graveyard, but in the corner of it. They all wanted MC to have a special place for herself like her mother did, but Josh refused to have it on Olympus. He may have wanted MC to feel at peace...but he couldn’t step foot into Olympus now, and he knew her need to see her when he felt lonely and cold again. None of the gods and goddesses dared to look him in the eye. Hatred was surrounding him, but it was drowned out by sadness. Hades and Aphrodite walked over to him and tried to comfort him. He tried to hold back his mouth, he knew how Hades and Aphrodite felt about his mom and MC. He may not be as close to them, but he does believe they would’ve done anything to keep MC safe.

Around 2 months after the burial, Josh was walking downtown and knew exactly where he was heading. It was to his sisters grave. The one place he believed he could go to and feel...safe. The one place he felt like someone was actually there. Well, when he was at his mothers grave he felt the same way, but he hasn’t felt that in over 10 years, and now he felt it again...and it hurt so bad. But he still went there, craving some kind of comfort. Even if she wasn’t there.

He arrived there and saw someone already there. It was a familiar figure, but one he hadn’t seen for 10 years (other than MCs recent funeral). He couldn’t help the little pang of anger that was in his heart. He saw Aphrodite and his mom together. He saw the closeness and could see how happy his mom was with her. And he knew that she cared for him and MC. He knew she would’ve done everything she could’ve to save MC...but it wasn’t enough. He was feeling a little anxious, but still walked and joined her. He heard her letting out little sobs. She jumped at him sitting next to her, but she looked at him and her tears fell even faster.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I tried, me and Alex tried so hard. So did Hades. We tried, Josh, I’m so sorry,” she said, hiccups in between her words. Josh looked at her and his tears also fell. He may not have been close to Aphrodire like MC and his mom were, but he did care for her as well. His tears fell as well. “I know.” It was the only thing he could say. His throat was tight with emotion and he didn’t know what else to say. Aphrodite nodded and looked back to MCs grave and continued to sob. Joshs tears were silent and let out soft sobs. He just couldn’t let everything out with Aphrodite right there and he couldn’t talk to her.

He and Aphrodite stayed there, sitting next to each other for another hour. It felt so tight and it felt like neither of them could leave. They felt like they had to get their tears out now to let MC know they were sorry. To let MC know they cared and missed her. Josh was actually surprised to not see Alex with their mother. He’s assuming that Alex needed some time alone for awhile.

He thinks that’s what everyone needs. And now...everyone has too much of it. No one wants to address it or speak of it, just like their mothers death. Now, so many people were affected by her and her mother, so it leaves a big hole in everyone’s heart.

But no one was hurting as much as her brother is.

OKAY!!! I hope you liked this Meg and everyone else! I really liked this idea and (once again) Meg helped me come up with the idea in our conversations and my brain was like “hmmm. WRITING TIME.” This has been in my mind for awhile and I finally have written it all out. No proofreading bc I’m rlly tired and need to sleep (unless Meg says a response or I actually can’t sleep). So, bYE for right now and love you Meg❤️❤️🥺.

[readmylip-s]

thank u, next.

so here we are, a week left until we usher in the new year. 2018 is probably one of the more major roller coaster rides i’ve had for a while now. i’ve had quite a few accomplishments and fcos the usual emotional-down-turns. i’ve also had tons of blessings and a lot of lessons learnt through the year. i’ve always been told to count my blessings so thats exactly what i’ve been doing. 

if you know me you’d know i prefer keeping my social circle small, though it may not seem that way on socmed. but thats the thing, thats social media. i dont revolve my life around social media. i think i’ve said this way too many times - what you see is only what i choose to show. on a personal level, i rlly prefer the company of a small group of people, even if it means just hanging out with one or two friends. i think 2018 is also the year i’ve had one of the most me-time. i enjoy going to the movies alone, having the entire couple seat to myself, i love sitting at starbucks sipping on GT Cream or seasonal drinks and occasionally with a plate of beef pie. teehee.

i’ll prolly share some positive and not so positive highlights of my year, as well as all the blessings i’ve had through the year. 

this year, just like the past 2 years, i landed myself in the hospital. 

pretty much because of the same old issues i’ve been having. was put on oxygen supply for quite a fair bit, had multiple needles poked through my skin, and multiple bags of glucose. it was a crazy period because it was during the fasting month and prior to the hospitalization, i was fasting. and even when i was in the a&e and eventually warded, i was still not allowed to have food. i was cranky, i was upset and best of all? i felt like i was gna faint. i was due for surgery, again, the next day so i couldnt eat. but i was a rebel. during the night, i secretly chewed on Mr Bean pancake that my brother got me when he accompanied me for a bit. so glad i didnt get caught hehe. fast forward, post surgery, i ate like a monster. the little brother was supposed to fly off the next morn for his school trip but he still came to visit me during the night. he even brought me bubble tea?! i was discharged after what seemed to be a torturous 3d2n staycation at NTFGH. 

2018 was the year i get to tick off certain things in my bucket list. i finally, finally did something i really wanted to do.

i got myself a septum piercing. its a pretty unorthodox thing considering how i dress and all but hey, a girl can dream, and make her own dreams come true. it was on a very random sunday that i decided to get it. but i’m kinda glad i did. i guess all the needles from all my hospitalizations helped me coped with the needle that poked through my septum. pretty sure this is only gna be a phase so all you hateful people, shut your trap. hahahaha. :)

also this year, i finally got to climb a mountain again. 

it was DFOALC’s first overseas staff expedition. (no, i wouldnt consider pulau ubin ‘overseas’, haha) it was the toughest climb i’ve had of all the 4 climbs i’ve done before. in summary - my injury acted up during the ascend and descend, and i also almost lost my life to Gunung Berembun. i survived, alhamdulillah. i just needed my cast when i got back to Singapore. phew. 

moving on to counting my blessings, i call them my constants. 

#4. 

its no surprise that AY is one of the greatest blessing i never knew i needed in my life. i never know where to begin when it comes to how beyond blessed i am for his presence in my life. its still so surreal how we were friends for the longest time and now we’re planning for a future together?! WHAT. hold on, time! 

it is rlly crazy how this whole love thing works. but whatever that is, it has brought so much joy in my life. and AY has made me the happiest kid ever since we began our journey in chasing NZ! thank you, AY. you’re so bloody amazing, and i can’t wait to spend forever and a day with you. dont know what i did to deserve you but i’m glad i did. x

#3.

my bestfriend; nurul. we went through our poly days together, and even when we were separated in to different classes, we still made it a point to have lunch together atleast once or twice a week. clingsterzx much. we even applied for the same job together and among our group of friends who applied, only the two of us got it. is this fate or what?! thank you sissy for being there, always. and for always being the one with the sneaky pick me ups, and listening to all my sob stories. but please dont degil when i try to help you find a boyfriend??? but if you insist then i hope you find your oppa lah okay. we have had our differences and our bumpy ride but what doesnt kill us makes us stronger, yes? so much love for you, sissy! x

my other bestfriend, zulh.jsmn. this photo is the exact representation of our bestfriendship. he annoys the living shit outta me but i have got no choice but to accept him the way he is. unlike nurul, this one is lowkey always asking me to find him a girlfriend. smh. your day will come soon, buddy. i’m grateful for all the times you made sure i was always in check. also for being my guitarist bcus i’m that much of a loser who cant play the guitar, and most importantly for the letter you wrote to me 5 years ago for me to look back to when i feel like the worst person on earth. oh and all the times you traveled down for me just to send food that you cooked so i’d have food to break my fast with during my internship?!?! you always have the most interesting gifts for me whether its for my birthday or just a random gift. the box of clouds from genting, i still have it! appearing in Chicago with SD and a guitar to sing me a birthday song at midnight for my 19th birthday. and the lantern we flew for my 20th birthday in Tennessee at midnight? i choose to believe its still flying somewhere in the sky! thank you, buddy for everything. smell ya in futura tomato saucin, buddiok! #OHOS #GBT #NZV lives! 

#2

my sister, SD. oh sisthur, the resemblance we have is uncanny. it is no wonder people automatically recognize us as sisters through photos. our taxi stand incident will always be etched at the back of my mind. it is one i would never forget bcus it is that one short incident that led us to how close we are up till today. though things cannot be exactly how i imagined it to be, i’m still glad i have you almost entirely. here’s to more sisthur hangz! sayang sawah! x

#1

and of course, my number one constant, my only older brother. you suck and you’re such an idiot but you care for me in ways no other human would. no one, and i rlly mean no one, can ever take your place in my life, for blood is thicker than water. i promise, to always make you proud of me. and i too promise that when the day comes that you shed your tears for me, i’d cheer you up and promise to always be the same baby sister you grew up with. thank you, for calling me your bestfriend, and for loving me with all your life. growing up together hasnt been an easy feat but i’m glad our rivalry only lasted through the times we wore the same sneakers, shared the same room and have the same mp3 player. you rlly suck sometimes but i love you every other day. x 

/wow so much of a summary and a wrap up, nurfa./

but yep, these pretty much sums up my 2018. fcos there were pockets of crazy shit that happened through the year; from suffering cuts and bruises bcus of anxiety attacks, to losing my sanity, to falling out of a relationship, to my injury and to losing friends i thought who would be around a little longer. 

some other things i ticked off my bucket list was meeting Haqim Mokhtar and watch him perform live, singing on stage (i got to sing with sufian suhaimi!), being present for TLV gigs, and fcos, completing my desired Nike Collection hehehehe.

i am very much thankful to God for allowing me to unlearn and relearn whatever i needed to. i dont really do resolutions but in 2018, my goal was just to seek happiness. i’m glad to say that i have achieved my goal of being happy. and in 2019, i pray for constant happiness with the people i love most, and for inner peace. may 2019 be the year i break the chain of having to be hospitalized, and may 2019 also be the year of recovery. 

x, nvrfa 

1623 | 23rd December 2018

[ts-autumns-world]

Episode 4: “Tua supremacy babey” - Lily O

I GET TO REUNITE WITH JINX YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

me waking up to see that im in the new tribe: https://media.tenor.com/images/93212119a4887f9fa0ad945c7ae2a5d0/tenor.gif

tbh i expected the swap since like we have 14 rn so its a reasonable number to do a swap before the merge.. but like this swap sucks not only me being the only one from og eener but its also me having to be with these 4 whites ppl. you know i don't trust white ppl except mikki SDFSDFSDFSDF so this absolutely SUCKS. and geekoffilm is on another tribe too.

URGH i hope i can team up with jinx and jude. and joey and i used to play together in CoW so hopefully, i am able to make him want to work with me again.. but monty... monty is very skeptical cause like they could just vote me off now. BUT THEN, i know that either jinx or raffy has the idol for sure, so maybe i need to ask jinx for that. or i just ask the person who i'll be up against with in the tic tac toe to throw a challenge if they are the og eener too. 

much to think about bestie booth. i wanna trust these ppl so bad but i have trust issues

https://youtu.be/JrXnnD5KU0I

---

naur this is the plan if we go to council

imma be like joey

you are the only cis white man on the team

you have to go. 

you wanna be an ally?

THIS IS HOW!!!

so im pushing for u FEWEJFEEFJEFEIFEFIJW 

heS ALWAYS SAYING HE WANTS TO BE A BETTER ALLY

ALWAYS CALLING ME LIKE JINX IM SO SORRY

ILL BE LIKE FOR WHAT?? 

HE'S LIKE FOR BEING A WHITE CIS STRAIGHT MAN. 

IF UR REALLY SORRY ULL LEAVE!

I have to start this out by saying Giraffez, I’m so sorry! I tried my best but too many people wanted to keep us comp strong and wanted Lily O to stay. I really wish we would have had the chance to play longer together but sometimes it’s just not in the cards.

As far as swap goes, I’m really happy about my team. We have a majority from my original group which is pretty wild. I wish Chips was here and I really hope he makes it work somehow but I’m ngl I’m a little worried about him.

I was so so thrilled to see Jinx on Tua with me. I also have started talking with Captain and Jude. They both seem super nice so as always I’m hoping to avoid tribal once again.

I’d like to the think that original Llih (was that how you spelled it?) will stay together but Giraffez told me that Lily O told her that she was voting for me. Now obviously we all voted Giraffez but I think Lily O knows I was plotting. So. I hope we can stick together. But. Yeah. Your girl is worried. And excited. She is excited cause this group seems cool. But nervous because yeah I’m not ready for another vote out. Mkay. Bye.

This swap went pretty well for me all things considered. I still have a bunch of people from my OG Tribe, and the new people seem active and really nice! So, I like my tribe. Blake offered to me today to work together closely in the game which I am down for. The semi-inactive people need to stick together and all that lmao. Other than that, I am straight Vibing

Swap time! honestly its time to kick it into high gear and win this immunity challenge! make some real allies!

HELLO AUTUMNS WORLD!!!!!! So I have arrived in a swapped team with 3 of my old members! SOOO happy Mikki is here firstly since we can discuss basically anything. Blake and Raffy im also cool with but not like as close with them. Maybe a bit more with Blake. Of the new people my fav is Chris !! Already liking our chats and hope it can turn more strategic later maybe!! Ricky is also cool and funny and chips I was allies with him in Kili which is cool but probably the weakest connection of the new people so far!! It looks like we are gonna lose and if so its kinda hard like on one hand we have easy majority to vote off idk probably chips or maybe ricky or we could go against tribal linesI think Blake truly does wanna work with me tho but is just busy. Like going against tribal lines is kinda fun but maybe dumb. And chips being the 1 in a 4-2-1 swap sucks too!! Idk kind of evaluating the vibe with Mikki and will see what we think later if we lose… we would probs be safe regardless being protected by tribal lines on one side and having developed sorta good vibes with Chris and Ricky from the other side so probs wouldn’t be targeted from that angle either?? Hopefully… I did have kind of a delayed start with the new people cuz of irl stuff but yah we will see!

My opinion on swap was initially sad because I was missing out on Jinx/Jude/Joey/Captain BUT then I realize I like this tribe?? Im with Ricky still, Mikki probably is sitting at the cookout as we spesk, Chips is lowkey goody but I got my eye on him, Benj and I bond over Agatha Christie <3, Blake I knew from TDI so we have been goofin like a Goofy movie, Raffy I actually enjoy that we chat of the most mundane things, and that's everybody! I think I have a chance to survive on this tribe

---

My thoughts are that I've got Ricky and Mikki at minimum. I know Mikki/Raffy got beef but I doubt they go for each other. Chips is like a level-headed Joey but I reckon one of him/Blake/Benj will be targeted if I had to guess. Nevertheless me and Captain talked during our matchup and exchanged info. My hope is me or Ricky are in Outhouse but I also hope not so we have higher odds to keep the goodies all goodie and safe

https://voca.ro/18WSqZznajDx

---

I LOVE JUDE

so idk where my last confessional left off but i think it was before tribal. so after tribal, jinx’s manifestations came true, we swapped, i ended up on a tribe with no one i knew except chris, so that was kind of…nnng. but hey, gotta roll with the punches. me and jinx were paired up for the challenge which game me a bit of time to talk with them, and they gave me some insight on ppl i didn’t really know on my tribe, and also they gave me a tarot reading, and it basically said that while i’m probably gonna have to deal with some bullshit, i just have to use everything i’ve learned to get over any obstacles, and stay calm and collected through it all. i’m really really praying for this one, since we just lost immunity, and now chris is going to the outhouse, i’m afraid that i’m truly all alone now. and if there’s one thing that scares me it’s being alone. i really like mikki tho, and i heard benj was good ppl. maybe if i let them know that raffy might have the half idol then maybe they’d be more inclined to work with me, but i also really enjoy raffy’s presence, so i don’t really want him to be a target. blake and i have had a good amount of dialogue so i’m hoping that he’d be willing to work with me, to be honest. ughhhhh why why why tribal. WHY TRIBAL. in all my years of playing tumble survivor i’ve never been sent to like…and exile or redemption island ONCE. not once….ever…. please god let me get to the outhouse just one time.

First of all, lemme just say I'm so amused by how quickly my chances of no-votes went RIGHT out the door. But also thank god that it went off without a hitch! And right before a swap, no less New tribe is definitely iconic. LOVE Jinx, Captain and Jude are cool too, and then my Llih buddies are also v nice to have (shoutouts monty and joey)

Tua supremacy babey

https://youtu.be/oP7DWOnmt40

https://youtu.be/Z3_pyWTdRh8

https://youtu.be/UFshPYJ98z0

hello confessional booth... i'm here to give you um. something i hope!!!! 

well since the swap, i feel like i've managed to fit in better than i expected cause ive been feeling under the weather and i don't rlly have energy to talk to anyone (which is so great that our tribe won this IC) but i rlly need to work on that more for sure..

joey wants to work with me.. like a lot. we worked together for a bit in CoW before he was voted out and he was a great ally to me back then so i think i can trust joey a little bit? and he rlly wants the pocs to go far so i think this is a good sign.

with jinx, we've been wanting to talk about the outhouse thing but jinx wants to call and i've been feeling sick so we haven't called but hopefully we can do that soon. i trust jinx a lot and i know they're gonna take care of me.

jude.. you know i like her since i saw her intro vid so yup gonna need to talk to her more!!!

lily c.. my fellow teacher pls SFSFSDFSD i enjoy our chat a lot like idt its much but every time we talk, with her, it just feels great and nice and like we just get to know each other so far so i hope we can talk game a bit more but we'll see

lily o.. we haven't talked since the day the swap happened. idk why. maybe she's busy or maybe i should dm her first so i think i'm gonna do that tmr my time if i have the energy.

and monty... PLEASE idk if i can trust monty or not. like he's a good friend of mine but my experience in orgs with them is that they tried to break the swp apart (which was smart but then mikki and i are both playing so gotta keep an eyes on them)

i'm just trying to feel good and hopefully recover soon cause i hate being sick. idk i'm scared of covid!!!!! but i haven't gone outside for a week or two methinks so we're gonna pray and see.

---

missing mikki and hope she will be fine

Blake suggested starting an OG Eneer alliance to Mikki and Benj. They took them up on the offer so I guess I am in my first alliance of the game based on arbitrary reasons. In any case, they seem to want to vote out Chips which is a RIP. But whatever keeps me safe for one more round.

I don’t have an obsession with the Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood sketch from SNL... No I clearly don’t... https://youtu.be/whfQf3Pd5bU

It’s my chronic overthinking in this swap that is going to do me in, I feel. It’s the pressure of having to actually think differently, and coming off of EVERYTHING I’ve seen in this community over the past 6 months, oh good Lord have mercy, I feel as though its so hard for me to want to not sacrifice my game, but at the same time... I feel all the pressure in the world to flip. I did have a lucid dream that if I got to a point where I consistently voted only white people at every Council, it would make my game look REALLY good by comparison, since I literally did everything I could, and no, I don’t want to hear anyone post season say this was rigged for Jinx, it’s not, we’re only going to go against each other down the road because of how this season has been set up, and it breaks my heart

https://photos.app.goo.gl/eSvSGkc4zmBfnYVP7

So here's some tea I suppose. I was a pretty big fan of the tribe swap because people talked more in general. This was particularly interesting considering their different timezones but continued ability to keep up conversation. It was pretty apparent that I was at a numbers deficit from my original tribe but my hope was that people didn't want to play like "that" and then if they did that my former tribe would throw it to keep the numbers. Apparently that is not true as Lily C went as hard as possible to win a challenge she could have convincingly thrown as an "accident" multiple times. At any rate, based on the total lack of communication with me concerning who I am voting it is evident that either the plan is to vote someone without telling me or that it is to vote me. This means that regardless of the situation I am in a terrible position and will be leaving sooner rather than later. I don't know that I've been swap screwed in the past (perhaps, I've been playing for too long) but it really stinks. 

For the TL;DR watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzftXB28gBE

 http://www.purplerockpodcast.com/wp-content/uploads/survivor-pearlislands-lillian-morris-no-sir.gif

As I'm writing this, I have a big gulp from... you guessed it... 7/11. I need to flip on one of the three of Monty, Lily O, and Lily C. My best option is going to vote for Lily O, I need Monty and Lily C to know I'm only doing this because yanno, things look awfully awful, and the pressure of making the right move and yet making sure I don't lose relationships is starting to get to me.

I also need them as shields because theyre the only winners in this game, and I need them here as shields for down the road heading into a merge.

I can't even believe I found TWOA IDOLS! I had to think a lot about who to give it too but I decided to do what felt like the smartest thing to do. Jinx and Captain already trust me and I enjoy Ricky but he gives semi chaotic energy. With that in mind, I had to give it to Jude as a sign of faith. Not only am I wanting her to do well, but I want to prove to her I legit want to work with her come merge 😊

https://youtu.be/vOn8Zsi0njA

https://youtu.be/UWTB-LYjbu0

for Chips: https://youtu.be/lSeDZdSEl4o

[jackncon]

new leaf // jack maynard

summary: part 2 to new rules

requested: yes! thank you love

“*wink* part two of new rules??!!??”

“Can you do a part two to “new rules” and make it have a happy ending?”

warnings: swearing, implies nsfw as reader and jack had a fwb relationship

pairing: jack maynard x reader

a/n: 5 FUCKING YEARS LATER! I FINISHED IT Y’ALL also not proofread because i just rlly wanted to publish something

He had fucked up.

Plain and simple, Jack had fucked up. He hadn’t slept properly in the past 2 weeks. He hadn’t put out a video since you called it quits. He hadn’t unlocked his door since that day, he simply ignored the endless knocking from his brother and friends. None of them had seen Jack act this way ever, let alone over a girl.

You, on the other hand, were thriving. You had finally cut the string Jack was using to pull you along. Your friends were with you every night since that day, going out and getting absolutely hammered each night that you didn’t have to work the following day. It was great. Until you were left alone. Then the feelings cam rushing in. After Jack had left on that Sunday morning, you remembered why you hadn’t cut him out yet - you were hopelessly in love with him. You figured there wasn’t a lot of options to get over Jack, and the best one was distracting yourself constantly. Deciding that maybe your body deserved some liquid that wasn’t liquor for the first time in 2 weeks, you made your way down to the coffee shop just around the corner from your apartment.

Jack had finally run out of food. He considered paying Conor to get it for him, but decided that maybe his body deserved some exercise and fresh air for the first time in 2 weeks. He made his way out of his apartment before realising he was way too sleep deprived to make it around the supermarket with no coffee. He made his way into a small coffee shop that he knew was close to your apartment (considering he always picked up a coffee on the way home after one of your morning ‘sessions’)  praying he wouldn’t run into you, but at the same time never wanting something more. He ordered his coffee and sat in the corner of the small shop, head down and sipping away. That was until someone ordered an unusually elaborate order. His head popped up, he knew that order. He looked towards the counter, his own eyes finding the same ones he fell in love with so long ago.

“Jack?” You asked, slightly whimpering. He looked like absolute shit. There were bags under his eyes, his hair was full of knots and looked like it hadn’t been touched in weeks, and he was dressed in a pair of sweatpants and a baggy shirt - an outfit he only usually wore to fly.

He cleared his throat, “U-um hi,” he muttered quietly, looking at his lap as you slid into the seat across from him.

“What happened?” you asked before you could stop yourself.

You let the sight in front of you sink in. You could tell he hadn’t eaten lately, his collarbones that you used to love to kiss so much were much more prominent than they used to be. “Jack go home, you need to sleep and eat.”

“No I’m fine. I need groceries anyway.” he said quietly, causing you to frown.

“Text me a list, I’ll get them for you. Just go home please?” You knew he had been an ass but looking at him now, you couldn't help yourself. He looked so sick and underfed. Besides, it wasn’t like your feelings evaporated the moment you kicked him out.

After Jack reluctantly agreed, you called an uber for him and made your way to the supermarket, retrieving everything and more that Jack and specified.

You let yourself into his apartment, grocery bags falling off your arms as you dumped them all in the kitchen. You silently began packing things away, not noticing that Jack had come up behind you.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “I fucked up. I didn’t realise how good you were for me until you were gone. You weren’t just a fuck, I know I didn’t act like it but I loved it when you would stay for breakfast, it made me feel as if I might actually have a proper relationship. And I get it if you don’t want to be with me, I wouldn’t either, but if you do, please give me a shot? Give us a shot?”

You turned around, looking into his swollen, bloodshot eyes. It truly broke your heart to see him like this. He did use you for sex, but maybe what he was saying was true - it would explain why he had started asking you to stay for breakfast after all. In the beginning of your agreement, he would leave after you were finished for the night, not even waiting long enough to shower at yours. But then he began staying over, and leaving a toothbrush in your bathroom, and as of late, staying for breakfast. Maybe it was true, maybe Jack did want something more, maybe he wanted you.

You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding, “If we do this - and that’s an if - you have to try. And I mean really try Jack, not any half way bullshit. You have to step your game up, you have to act like a boyfriend, I’m not going to put my heart on the line just for you to crush it again.” You frowned.

“Of course, of course, anything.” Jack said, looking at you with hopeful eyes.

“Then fine.” You couldn’t help the smile that spread across your lips as he pulled you in close. “But we’re not having sex for the first month.”

“Oh we’ll see how long you try stick to that, sweetheart.”

[gguksgalaxy]

Engraved pt. 22

Masterpost <– Engraved 21 | Sheltered 4 -> | Engraved 23 –>

Short: You’re a tattoo artist for a gang known as EXO who own a club down town. (read synopsis at masterpost) Words: 3534 Notes for Update: 40 Warnings: Bombs, bondage (not the kinky type), threatening, manipualtion, dark hints, sedatives Pairings: D.O. x Reader, slight Chen X Reader A/N: Anothter super short and boring part, i'm rlly so sorry guys. But yeah idk this is happening...I hope you still enjoy it!

AFF link

Your pov

You stood there, unmoving, unbreathing, nothing came from you. It was like your body had completely frozen. He moved, stepping forward. You wanted to move away, to run, to bolt, but you couldn’t. There was no way, you were too afraid. His hand raised, and he reached out for your face. You squeezed your eyes shut, ready for the impact. It never came, instead came a graze, soft fingertips over your cheekbones. “My beautiful little fawn. How have you been?”

You opened your eyes, and he was close, too close. The smell of his cologne making nausea rise in your stomach, and you swallowed the bile. “Sweetheart you can speak, don’t be afraid, I’m not here to hurt you.” He said. “I’m…good.” “That makes me so happy.” He smiled, showing pearly white teeth. “Now, where is that boy of yours. Jongdae was his name?” Your fear spiked, and you gasped, suddenly moving backwards with a large step. Trying to run, too fast, uncoordinated, you collided with the corner of the table. You screamed in pain, toppling to the floor. Your hand came to cradle your hip, where the pain radiated now. The floor seemed to slip beneath your feet as you tried to get up. Nothing worked, everything was spinning and a sob broke past the barrier of your lips. Tears ran down your cheeks, as you cried. “Please.” His hand came around your arm, and you tried to move away from it, but you couldn’t. This fear was paralysing, all you could do was lay at his mercy. He pulled you up, grip bruising into your skin, imprinting it with his mark. Your breaths came in short puffs out of your nose. Somehow he set you on the table, wiping everything onto the floor to make room for you. He took your chin between his fingers, forcing you to look up at him. “Open your eyes.” He growled, voice suddenly menacing, sending shocks of fear down your spine with each syllable. “Do not, make me repeat myself.” You forced your eyes open, looking at him. His eyes, his dark and empty eyes, gazing into yours. “Now, tell me, does your little boy still take care of you?” He moved his lips down to your ear. “Does he still soothe your cries better than I could?” His voice was a rumble, so deep and dark another sob passed your lips at it. “Please.” You begged, for anything, everything, and nothing at all. “Answer me.” His hand fisted into your hair and pulled your head back, baring your throat to him. But you couldn’t speak, you couldn’t answer him. Not Jongdae, please let it not be Jongdae. Not your Jongdae. “Y/n, you are playing a dangerous game here.” Images of Jongdae’s soft smile passed your mind, the feeling of his hand in yours, fingers slipping into place. His voice, soothing you, arms around your shoulders holding you close. No, not him, he cannot have him. “Fuck you.” You spat, fingers reaching out for anything solid you could find and slamming it against his temple. When he let you go, stepping away to touch his head, you bolted, running for the door with pain shooting up your hip. You heard the sound, a soft swish, and felt a stabbing pain at your leg. It gave out underneath you, and you fell against the door, so close to safety. You looked down, to find a small dart sticking out of your thigh. Slowly, things started to get number, and number. You vaguely saw Minho closing in, kneeling down in front of you. He ran the back of his hand across your cheek. “I guess I will have to find out myself.” It was the last thing you heard coming from his mouth before you slipped into complete darkness.

***

Jongdae’s pov

He was sitting in the living room, changing channels on the tv. Xiumin was in the chair, reading a file. “Can you settle on something?” he grumbled. Kyungsoo walked in, a deep frown on his face, as Jongdae settled on some random cop show. “Hey.” “Hi.” He answered. “You okay?” Kyungsoo nodded, so Jongdae didn’t think to much of the brooding state of his face. He took place beside him, leaning his head on the backrest. He got absorbed in the series, intently staring at a chasing scene in the streets of Chicago, or maybe it was Boston. When suddenly, the screen changed. Xiumin looked up at the sound of the static on the screen. And the alarms sounded, from Baekhyun’s room. “What the fuck?” The screen changed again, and Jongdae couldn’t take his eyes of what he saw next. The face, so familiar, that brought up so many nightmares for him. He felt nauseous, swallowing thickly. Minho. Xiumin dropped his file, and Kyungsoo groaned lightly as he finally turned his eyes to the screen, gasping then. “Xiumin?” Jongdae mumbled. “What the fuck have you done?” His voice sounded, the same way it always used to. Lithe, and playful. “Well, I guess since you guys can see me now. Let me tell you why I’m on your screen.” It was barely discernible over the sound of the alarms. Jongdae’s heart and mind went out to you, praying to god that you were okay. That he hadn’t gotten to you yet. But when Minho moved aside, Jongdae saw you. You were on the bed, flat on your back, unconscious. There was something around your neck, like a collar. The bastard. His first instinct was to get up, but Xiumin pointed a finger at him. “Don’t go, hear him out first.” Kyungsoo was stiff beside him, staring at the screen with wide eyes and trembling hands. Jongdae didn’t sit down, he remained standing as he spoke. “As you see we have a bit of a problem here. That thing around her neck, is connected to this thing.” He moved a bit further to reveal a cylindrical contraption on a chair. “If she moves, and pulls the thread, it goes off. Now, we don’t want that to happen don’t we? This bomb, I’m sure you can dismantle it, seeing your men do have the skill Minseok.” A bomb, Minho had strapped you to a bomb? Jongdae clasped a hand over his mouth, pushing away the tears that threatened to spill over. His breath was shaky, as he couldn’t do anything but watch your body limply lay there. Your head hanging over the edge of the bed, hair tumbling down. “So how about you send in some of your guys, and see what you can do? I’ll be leaving you to it. Although I hope to see you soon.” Minho had the audacity to wink, before the stepped away from the camera. It didn’t turn off, and all three of them were looking at you. Jongdae moved, as soon as Minho was gone. He bolted for the door. A strong hand caught him around his bicep. “You’re not going.” Xiumin growled. “The hell I’m not, let me go!” Jongdae yelled, but the leader wouldn’t budge. “LET ME GO!” “Listen, he probably wants both of us out there,” Xiumin was interrupted by the door opening and Sehun and Suho stumbling in. “What the fuck was that?” Suho gasped, eyes wide. “How did this happen?!” Xiumin didn’t let him go, but spoke calmly. “Sehun, find Chanyeol, and take Kyungsoo. Go to her place and get her safe okay?” Sehun nodded, immediately taking off into the direction of Baekhyun’s room. Kyungsoo followed Sehun without a word, but Suho, he glared at Xiumin now that everyone was out. “You fucked up.” “I know he would go for her, it was the only logical step.” Jongdae then managed to wrestle his arm free, and swung at Xiumin, Suho stopped him. “God damnit!” he yelled at both of them. “If anything happens to her! It’s your fault!” Suho sighed, dropping his wrist. “Listen, right now we need to stay calm, they’re going to get her out of there. Chanyeol will get the bomb in no time, she will be fine. Right now all we can do is stay here where we’re safe.” “How do you know he’s not there waiting to kill them?!” Xiumin shook his head. “He’s testing us, he won’t be there.” “Let me go then!” “No.” The leader barked. “He might be watching, and you and I both know he has some unfinished business with you.” “Oh,” jongdae scoffed. “And you suddenly care whether I die or not?” Xiumin rubbed his temples. “Let’s go to Baekhyun and check the monitors, he must be pretty shaken up.”

***

Kyungsoo’s pov

They were in the car, and he hadn’t spoken a word since he’d seen your body there. This guy, he’d left you alone with him, because you sort of asked? Why had you sent him away if he was so dangerous. Jongdae and Xiumin seemed to know something. Was this the guy you’d mentioned all those times? That Xiumin was after? “Listen, I need you guys to just make sure she doesn’t move.” Chanyeol spoke from behind the wheel. “Let me take care of the bomb.” “Are you sure you’re going to get it?” Chanyeol nodded, turning onto your street. “If I think it’s too dangerous I’ll probably send you guys out.” “What about her then?” Kyungsoo asked. What if it went wrong, and Chanyeol couldn’t do it. He’d loose you, no he wasn’t going to loose you. “I’m not going to leave her side.” If the thing was going to go off, he’d be there with you. He couldn’t just leave you there. No. Kyungsoo thought back to Jongdae, how scared he’d looked at the screen, petrified. He himself hadn’t even been able to utter a gasp, but the tears in your best friends eyes stood clear in his mind. Jongdae knew things he didn’t, about you, about this guy. And his level of fear wasn’t making him feel any better. “I’ll stay too, if we go down, we go down together.” Sehun stated. Chanyeol pulled up to your place and put in his earpiece. “Baekhyun can you hear me?” “Can you check the cameras?” “Nobody there, okay!” he turned around. “Baek says it’s clear so we should roll.” The tall one lifted a box of equipment out of the car and threw both Kyungsoo and Sehun a handgun. The weight was heavy and Kyungsoo felt it was loaded. Sehun would probably be better with it, but safety first. “Let’s go.” Your front door was still unlocked, and Kyungsoo was the first one up both stairs into your room. He reached your, still fully asleep. Before he could touch you Chanyeol’s hand held him back. “Be careful, if you move her too much and you stretch the wire it’ll go off.” The words hit him and he stared at your lifeless body, your skin was pale and you were still in the clothes you had on earlier the day. He sat on the bed, next to you, and took your hand in his, lacing his fingers. You were going to be okay. “I think she’s still out.” “Okay good,” Chanyeol said. “Let me open this baby up.” The tall one knelt down by the chair and set down his case, clicking it open and revealing an extensive set of tools and electrical supplies. “Baek do you have vision?” Kyungsoo realised he still had his ear hanging by his neck and popped it in. Baekhyun’s voice sounded erratically though it. “Yeah I see it, it doesn’t seem to complicated like this. Open it up first, if it’s motion sensitive there will be extensive wiring on the inside. It’s not your usual clip and cut.” He didn’t really understand much of bombs, but he knew those two together would get you out. Chanyeol’s steady hands took quick work of the exterior plate of the bomb, unscrewing it and revealing dozens of wires of the same single colour. “Well fuck.” Chanyeol grumbled. He took out a small box with…stickers, coloured stickers. The next plate on the other side came off, and Kyungsoo couldn’t properly see what happened but Baekhyun’s breath audibly hitched. “What the fuck is this contraption.” “What is it?” Kyungsoo asked frantically. “There’s a timer.” “A timer?” “Yes.” Chanyeol grumbled, running a hand through his dark hair. Kyungsoo swallowed, looking at Sehun who was waiting by the door of your room, gun in his hand. “How long?” “17 minutes, 48 seconds. It should be enough time, but it does make things more complicated.” Kyungsoo focused on your, touching your cheek lightly to feel if you were cold. You weren’t, your skin was warm and it really seemed like you were just asleep. Your breathing was steady, chest rising evenly and without a sound. That’s when he saw your eyes flutter. “Angel?” Chanyeol’s head whipped up from the bomb. “Is she waking up?” “I think so.” “Make sure she doesn’t move.” Kyungsoo looked at your face, as you scrunched up your nose and parted your lips. Your tongue darted out to wet them and a soft groan sounded. “Angel can you hear me? Don’t move okay, just stay still. We’re getting you out of here.” You frowned, and he saw your throat strain. “Don’t talk, it’s okay.” “Baekhyun do you see any logic in this?” Chanyeol asked. “Maybe if you sat still for a minute, Sehun can you take the cam and hold it or something?” There was movement and rustling on the other end of the line, Kyungsoo just focused on you for now. Until Xiumin’s voice sounded. “Listen, if that timer reaches 3 minutes before you manage to get her out, you all leave” “What?” Kyungsoo hissed. “You want us to leave her here?” “Loosing 1 is better than 4 of you.” Kyungsoo clearly heard Jongdae’s shrill voice in the background, he couldn’t understand, but the tone sent chills down his spine. He sounded so upset. “Jongdae, if you can hear me, I’m not going to leave her. I promise, we’ll get her out of here.” “Kyungsoo you better listen to me.” Xiumin growled on the other end. “No.” Chanyeol spoke up. “Can you two not, I’m trying to concentrate here! Xiumin put Baekhyun back on the line.” More rustling and Baek’s voice sounded again. “I’m here, sorry. Okay, there has to be a way to the inner wires, maybe through the top.” Chanyeol went to work and Kyungsoo looked at you as your throat strained still, your lips parted to form a sound but it was indiscernible. It sounded like a groan, but you repeated it once, twice. “What?” You tried again, but to no avail. However, your hand softly squeezed his, meaning the sedative was really starting to wear off. “Angel really, please stay still okay.” “Got it, God, Baekhyun look!” “That’s it, I knew there had to be a way. Can you get your hand in there?” “No.” Kyungsoo looked up and saw Chanyeol peer inside the bomb from the top. “You’ll have to label them and figure it out, I can’t see it properly with this lighting. But there should be a wire from the clock and the motion seeker towards the explosive. Wait…what is the explosive?” “I think it’s a single block of C4.” “Fuck, just, be careful Yeol, you can do this.” “Yeah.” The tall ones voice was slightly shaky, even though he’d done things like this so many times before. His big hands seemed to be a problem though. “Angel’s hands would come in handy now.” He grumbled. Kyungsoo looked at you again, as you licked your lips. “-Ae” “Angel please don’t try to talk.” He whispered, rubbing his thumb over the top of your hand. “-Ap.” “Ap?” “-Ap.” You breathed, scrunching up your nose. Kyungsoo couldn’t make out what you were trying to say, but it was obviously bothering you. Your hand was warm and colour was returning to your cheeks and Chanyeol was still fiddeling with the bomb. “How many minutes?” Sehun asked? “Under 10. We’ll be fine, I just can’t reach. I’ll get it. We’ll get her out.” He stated. “Baekhyun?” “Ya?” “How big is the chance this thing is going to go off when I cut all the wires at once?” “Yeol, you know that, it’s big. If they’ve wired it the right way for that you’re blowing up the building. Concentrate.” “Yeah.” Kyungsoo watched Chanyeol, as he labeled the wires on the outer part, and hesitantly cut one. Nothing happened, the timer kept ticking. “I know there have to be 3 sets of batteries in this thing and I can’t fucking get to them because of the wire.” Kyungsoo’s eyes went to your throat, that slowly moved as you breathed, where the leather collar was resting. “I could try cutting it off.” “You’ll risk setting it off.” “If it’s the only way to get her out, you guys can all go and I’ll try. I’m not leaving her here.” Chanyeol shook his head. “We’re not resolving to that with 7 minutes left. Let me try something.” He grabbed a pair of pliers and a flashlight, shifting to peer inside again. Chanyeol mumbled a few colours to himself, Sehun came over to the bed. “She looks better than when we came in.” Kyungsoo nodded. “She’s trying to speak, but I can’t figure out what she’s saying.” “-Ae, -ap.” You swallowed. “-Rap.” “Rap?” Sehun mumbled. “Trap? Angel, trap?!” You couldn’t nod, but Kyungsoo saw it in your eyes. “Trap, she means trap.” “Trap?” Baekhyun asks worried. “What trap? Is it a trap?” “Nae.” “What?” Sehun asked. “I got it!” Chanyeol suddenly yelled. “I think I got it. It stopped ticking.” Kyungsoo looked up. “Can I cut her loose?” “Let me just try and unwire the sensor.” He said, clipping a thread inside the bomb. “Cut her loose, we’re going home.” Kyungsoo took a knife from his pocket, slipping it under the collar and slicing through the material. The first thing you did was take a deep breath. “O-dae.” “Dae?” Sehun frowned. “Jongdae? He’s home, they’re waiting for us.” You shook your head and Kyungsoo helped you sit up, watching you scrunch you eyes shut again. “Are you feeling okay?” he asked. You shook your head again and Kyungsoo was at a loss for what you meant. So he put an arm under you lips legs and lifted you up easily. “Let’s just get you home.” He pressed his lips to your temple and held you against his chest, where you were safe. “It’s going to be okay.” He saw you close your eyes, he felt your fear, something was wrong. Something was very wrong, but as long as you couldn’t speak properly nobody was going to figure out what. He just hoped this guy didn’t do anything to you other than this. When they walked down the stairs, Baekhyun was chatting to Chanyeol when suddenly there was a loud noise. Like something fell. The hacker fell silent immediately. “Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo asked. “Baek?” Xiumin’s voice was easily heard in the back, yelling. Everyone heard Baekhyun drop his headset, and Chanyeol looked back in fear. “What was that?” “Please don’t tell me that was what I think it was?” Sehun mumbled. “It sounded like a gunshot.” Chanyeol whispered. “We have to go, they might be in trouble.” You opened your eyes and Kyungsoo knew that you knew. There was a tremble going through you as he lifted you into the back of the car, the door barely closed before Chanyeol sped off. “Should we call Jongin?” Sehun asked hurriedly. “Shoot him a text, if we doesn’t reply we’ll call.” Kyungsoo said. Kyungsoo felt you shift, and you opened your mouth. “It’s a trap.” “We’re going Ang, it’s going to be fine.” Chanyeol said, taking a sharp turn. “No,” you whispered, “it won’t be.” Kyungsoo knew the others didn’t hear you, they couldn’t see the tears in the corners of your eyes. The couldn’t see how afraid you were. It was something he’d never seen from you, not to this extent. He pulled you closer, tucking your head under his chin. “Shhh.” Sehun’s phone rang, and he picked up. “Ya?” “What?” “What happened?” “Yeah she’s awake.” “Yeah hold on jesus.” “Yeah yeah!” He turned around in his seat, extending the phone to Kyungsoo. “It’s Xiumin he wants to speak to Angel.” Kyungsoo took the phone, handing it to you. You were able to hold it, and he watched you put it to your ear with a shaky hand. “Min.” You whispered. His eyes were trained on your face, hearing their boss’ voice as a soft mumble. Your eyes turned glassy, your whole body was strung tight, you tensed you. He was almost sure you stopped breathing, hand tightening around the phone. “Min.” You whispered again, voice almost pleading him for something. A tear escaped your eyes, rolling down your cheek. Kyungsoo couldn’t do anything but stare as it made it’s way down your neck. You dropped the phone onto the floor of the car, clasping your hand over your mouth, closing your eyes. He knew, then and there, what happened. Your face spoke volumes.

A/N: I'm not sorry

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