#and i’ll just sit and cry and pretend i’m not alive

[szczylpierdolony]

i either kill myself within a month or go off the grid for the entire summer

[winchestersisterimaginessss]

request: Can you do one that the sister keeps going out without warning them, like in the middle of the night, and they get suspicious of her dating or hunting alone, and they go after her but turns out she is just having some alone time?

A/N: fluff fluff fluff, so cute I’m gonna cry. I made John somewhat nice at some point even though ewwww. but anyway, I hope you enjoyed this one!!! Requests are open and I’m still working on a ton. Some are just easier to write about while others are taking me a while. I love all of the requests I’ve been getting and I’m so excited for you all to read them!

Dean and Sam Winchester x Sister!Reader

Your life was extremely different from the rest of the kids your age. You were fighting monsters and risking your life every single day. You never knew if you were going to make it out alive at the end of the day and you also never knew if your whole life would crumble beneath you the next. Each day that went by was a blessing and you wanted to remember that. It was hard but if you didn’t focus on the tiny bit of the good in your life then it would be too centered on the bad. You were thankful for each day that you and your family made it out okay because you knew that one day it might end differently. So you held onto those moments. You would leave the bunker at night to sit under the stars and journal about your gratitudes. The alone time was good for you, but you could tell Sam and Dean were getting suspicious. You didn’t know if they heard you leave or if they noticed your absence in the middle of the night, but they were starting to ask questions that made you assume that they found you not in the bunker. They had asked you if you had a boyfriend or if you were hunting alone. You reassured them that that was not happening, but they never let on to why they were asking. So you weren’t actually sure if they knew that you were sneaking out or not.

Tonight you really needed to clear your thoughts and there was also supposed to be an incredible meteor shower so you were super excited to see the shooting stars. You grabbed your journal and went to head out. It was about 11:30pm and you told your brothers you were going to head to sleep an hour ago so you didn’t think they would notice if you left. You passed Dean’s room and heard both of your brothers talking.

“Sam I’m telling you, she’s going to get herself hurt.” Dean sighed.

“We don’t even know what she’s doing. It’s only been a few times in the couple months where we realized she wasn’t in bed.” Sam trailed off.

“She’s still a kid Sam, I don’t need her running all over town by herself in the middle of the night. She could be out with a boy or hell, hunting alone!” Dean said stressed out.

“I know,” Sam sighed, “I’ll go talk to her and figure it out.” Sam finished. You quickly tiptoed back to your room and hopped in bed, pretending to be asleep. You didn’t want them to confront you about sneaking out and leaving the bunker in the middle of the night because you thought that they would prevent you from doing it again. Journaling and looking at the stars were something you really loved and truly brought you some sort of peace so you weren’t willing to give that up.

You heard Sam knock on your door and when he heard no answer from you, he pushed the door open.

“Hey bug, you awake?” He whispered. You stayed still and stayed quiet, pretending to be asleep. He lingered for a few seconds before you heard the door shut and his footsteps get further away. You sighed and realized you’d have to wait a little longer to go out. So you waited until around 12:30. The bunker was quiet and you slipped out the door with ease. You walked on the path outside before getting to your spot. You sat down on the top of the hill that you always sat on and started journaling. After about twenty minutes you sighed and dropped your pen. You laid down and stared at the stars. Though, you didn’t get a second to admire them before you heard someone close behind you. Without thinking twice, you jumped up leaving your journal behind and got ready to run. You felt someone grab your wrist and you let out a strangled cry before reaching to thrash at them.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey it’s Dean kiddo, it’s Dean. It’s okay!” You heard Dean’s voice.

“You scared me!” You whined before bringing your hand to your chest, trying to control your breathing and heart rate.

“Sorry kiddo.” He said sending you a sympathetic look and ruffling your hair.

“I told him not to sneak up on you.” Sam sighed from behind you.

As soon as you heard Sam’s voice you jumped out of your skin and let out a gasp.

“Jesus Sam! I didn’t even know you were here too!” You shrieked.

“See you just scared her too!” Dean smirked.

“Whatever,” Sam huffed.

“What are you two doing here?” You sighed, already knowing that they followed you.

“We noticed that you’ve been leaving the bunker and we just want to make sure you’re safe bug.” Sam explained.

“I’m fine.” You said softly trying to keep it short, but knew there was going to be more questions.

“Really? Because you know damn well you’re not supposed to leave the bunker without at least letting us know, so what are you doing out here in the middle of the night?” Dean pushed. You looked between your brothers and both of their eyes pierced through you, waiting for your answer.

“I’m just journaling.” You said quietly, feeling embarrassed.

“Journaling?” Dean asked.

“Yes.” You whispered, looking down at the ground.

“Well why can’t you journal in the bunker, kiddo?” Dean asked gently, noticing your expression change.

“Well it’s really peaceful out here and I like to look at the stars.” You explained softly.

“Okay,” Dean replied. Your brothers glanced at each other before he continued, “Can we join you tonight then?” He asked. You looked up at him and smiled.

“There’s a huge meteor shower tonight! They said that the best time to see them is between 12-2am so hurry up!” You said excitingly, laying back down. Your brothers chuckled and followed your lead, laying down.

“We’re going to see so many shooting stars!” You smiled.

“Okay bug, we can’t wait to see them all!” Sam said, trying to match your energy and encourage your excitement. You looked at the sky for a few moments before Sam spoke up.

“What were you writing about?” He asked softly, trying to understand where you were at emotionally. You sighed.

“I just want to remind myself of the good that happens every day because if I focus too much on the bad, I’m afraid I’ll lose myself.” You said quietly.

“Okay.” Sam nodded, understanding.

“So I like to journal about the blessings I experience every day and when the day ends and I still have you two in my life it’s always a day to remember and be thankful for.” You finished. Both of your brothers sat up immediately and you sat up after them.

“Hey, you’re always going to have us, alright?” Dean said, looking at you with concern.

“Yeah,” you whispered.

“Nothing is going to happen to us bug, not if we have anything to do about it.” Sam reassured you.

“Okay.” You smiled slightly, nodding and looking back up at the sky.

“Hey kid, all stars twinkle so do you see that one right there that’s not?” Dean asked, pointing to the sky.

“Yes.” You replied, looking up at where he was pointing.

“That’s a planet, so whenever there’s something that looks like a star, but it’s not twinkling, it’s a planet.” Dean explained.

“Wow that’s so cool!” You beamed.

“Yeah I’m pretty sure that one is Mercury, and you can usually always see Mars too, but Mars has a reddish tint to it.”

“Oh there it is!” You exclaimed pointing at the sky to the reddish dot.

“Yup, that’s definitely Mars.” Dean said, smiling.

“That so cool De, I never knew that.” You said.

“Yeah, Dad taught me that a while ago.” Just as Dean finished his sentence, the brightest shooting star flashed across the sky.

“Wow!!! Did you see that?!?” The three of you exclaimed before chuckling at each other’s outburst. Once you all quieted down, you let out a small smile.

“Hmmm maybe that was his sign that everything’s gonna be alright.” You said out loud, finding comfort in the stars.

“Yeah bug maybe.” Sam said softly as Dean rubbed your back, smiling lightly. This was definitely a moment to be thankful for, you thought as you reached for your journal and pen.

[holylulusworld]

The Widow (1)

Summary: You trust no one. Not since they got your husband killed.

Pairing: TFaTW!Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Warnings: mentions death of a loved-one, the reader is under protection, bitchy reader, arguments, grumpy Bucky, angst

The widow masterlist

The Widow - Prologue

You wake from another nightmare, screaming at the top of your lungs. When you sit up, you clutch the blanket to your chest and try to remember what your therapist told you.

“One,” you count. “Two,” you sniffle. “This is shit.” You grab the lamp from the nightstand and throw it at the man stepping inside your room.

“Whoa, watch where you are throwing your lamps,” Bucky grumbles. He dodged your attack just in time to watch the lamp hit the wall next to him. “I came here to check on you, not to get hit by a lamp.”

He tugs his gun away, looking around the room. “What happened? Why did you scream? A spider? A bug?”

“Get out,” you look away to not show him the unshed tears in your eyes. “That’s none of your business. I didn’t want you to come here and save me. Go back to sleep.”

Bucky watches you run your hands over your arms. He knows the signs of nightmares all too well. Sleep is not his friend. Most of the time he wakes from another nightmare. Skin sweat-slicked and with a racing heart.

“I’m outside if you need anything.”

“Sure-“ you quip. “Just like the other guys promising to protect me and Ransom if he tells them everything he knows about his former partner.” You pucker your lips. “Now he’s dead and gone all because of them.”

“He’s dead because he was a criminal.”

“Ransom wasn’t a criminal,” you throw the blanket away and slip out of the bed to walk toward the second nightstand. You grab the lamp and throw it at Bucky. This time you hit him square in the chest. “Get out! I dare you to say one more word about my husband.”

Your lips quiver and you clutch your hands to your chest. No. You won’t cry in front of this stranger. He’s no better than the others.

“You should practice your aim,” he looks at the broken lamp on the ground. “I hope you know, it’s your job to keep the house clean.”

“Fuck you!”

“No, fuck you, doll!” He grunts and storms toward the door. “If you want to stay alive, stop screaming for nothing.”

“Asshole!”

The door slams shut, leaving you angry and sad. Why does everyone believe Ransom was a bad person? He made one single mistake.

Your husband trusted the wrong person and ended up laundering money for a mafia boss, not a businessman in trouble.

“I see she’s still alive,” Sam grins when you glare his way. You only lifted your eyes from the magazine you pretended to read to watch the two men. “Anything to report, Bucky?”

“She threw two lamps at me,” Bucky grunts. “I think we should handcuff her. Maybe a gag will help too.”

“Fuck you,” you snarl at Bucky. “I didn’t ask you to babysit me. Ransom is dead. I know nothing about his business. So, let me go. I’ll figure things out from here.”

“No can do,” the super-soldier glares at you. “Why don’t you try to act like a decent person?”

“Why don’t you choke?” You flash him your best-faked smile. “I hope all of you getting my Ransom killed rot in hell.”

“Bucky, a word?” Sam jerks his head toward the kitchen. “We need to talk about a few things. Especially her husband’s death, and his business.”

“I can tell you everything about my husband’s death,” you snarl. “Your fine agents told his former business partner where to find us. He died protecting me. Ransom was more man than you could ever be!”

“Bucky, don’t,” Sam holds his friend back. “Please just drop it. She’s…hurt…and scared.”

“I’m not scared,” you huff. “I’m annoyed by his presence.”

Bucky follows Sam out of the room. He huffs and balls his metal hand into a fist. “If you don’t find someone else to babysit her, I cannot guarantee she’ll be alive at the end of the week…”

“Bucky, I know she’s driving you up the walls, but her husband died in her arms.” Sam places pictures of your dead husband on the table. “Five bullets hit him, and he still managed to protect Y/N.”

“Hmm…” Bucky glances at the pictures.

“She’s traumatized but won’t admit it.” Sam gives his friend a stern look. “She has nightmares and mood swings. This has nothing to do with you or your presence. Y/N watched her husband die and held him in her arms. She was like a feral animal, biting and scratching the agents when they tried to part her from her dead husband.”

Bucky is silent for a moment. He’s still not convinced that you and your husband aren’t bad people. “He did business with the wrong people. It’s his fault.”

Sam bites his tongue. “Bucky, just protect her. Y/N doesn’t deserve to die because of her husband’s mistakes. Remember, she’s an innocent bystander.”

“Right.”

“James Buchanan Barnes,” you repeat his name twice. “I knew I heard the name before.” You chuckle darkly. “The man telling me that my husband was evil did unspeakable things himself. You killed innocent people hiding behind a different name.” You sneer. “Only because you don’t call yourself the Winter Soldier anymore doesn’t change your past.”

Bucky is frozen to the spot. His past can’t be undone, but he tried to make amends as best as he could. Now you look at him like he’s some kind of monster. You out of all the people dare to hold his past against him.

“What? Cat got your tongue. Doesn’t feel good when someone judges you only because they read shit about your past, huh? Well, shit darling. I won’t stop digging out your past, babysitter. If you want me to stop, go and leave me alone. Send someone else to watch over me!” 

“How did she find out about me and my past?” Bucky hisses at Sam. “I thought she got no access to a phone, TV, or the internet.”

“I can read, and have a very good memory,” you smirk darkly at Bucky as you walk inside the kitchen. “You didn’t live under a rock over the last years. I saw you more than once on TV. The hair is shorter now, though.”

“Y/N,” Sam tries to stop you and his friend from arguing again. “What the soldier did wasn’t Bucky’s fault. He got brainwashed and…”

You raise your hand to stop Sam from arguing with you. “Ransom didn’t become a criminal on free terms either,” you grit your teeth. “He tried to do business and make some money. My husband didn’t know he got himself into trouble by doing business with that monster.”

“He’s still a criminal,” Bucky grunts. “He did all of this for money.”

“Says the man claiming to be innocent, even though you killed hundreds of people. They threatened to kill Ransom and me if he didn’t do as they said. He was a victim, you were just…” you huff and turn to leave. “A monster hiding behind your friend Captain America.”

You know it’s not fair to call Bucky a monster. All the things you read about him tell you that he was a victim.

You just can’t bring yourself to admit that he was a victim too while he treats you like shit, and keeps on telling you your husband was a criminal…

The widow (2)

Tags in reblog.

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

A Twist of Fate - The End**

IT'S FINALLY DONE! I hope you guys like this final part of the A Twist of Fate series

Warnings: mentions of drug and alcohol, mental health/therapy themes, coming out as poly conversation, fingering, oral (fem receiving), unprotected sex.

WC: 25.5K

There's a playlist for this one!

When you woke up the following morning your head hurt and your body felt sore. You knew you were dancing a lot and moving in ways that your body was not accustomed to. Moreover, you were reminded of why you’d decided to stop drinking when you went out. You laid in bed in silence for several minutes, recapping all of the events from the party, and your stomach turned again as you envisioned the disillusioned look in Taylor’s eyes when she saw you coming into the bathroom.

She wasn’t mean or rude to you in any way, but a lot things flashed through your mind that made you react the way you had. The song a few months ago, the momentary lapse in your character that made you judge her when she and Harry were on vacation, and the kiss. You genuinely hadn’t felt all that bad about the kiss with Harry before, it had been a lapse in judgement, a mistake… that was until you were standing in front of her. You remembered how much you’d been fantasizing about kissing him again and apparently he felt the same way. It just felt like too many things to hold in, so they came out however they could. You were dying to apologize for ruining their evening, but you knew that speaking to either of them would cause more harm than good.

Your phone dinging with a text made you exhale. So you got a good stretch in, hearing a couple little cracks as you reached your limit and held it before relaxing and sitting up. You opened your phone and smiled when you saw Ricky’s text.

Ricky:

Hey:) Did you make it out alive? 

You had been seeing Ricky casually. It was quite an unexpected but almost obvious pairing. You’d spent a lot of time together now that you were back in the studio and you had also developed a friendship after working together for a couple years now. But after helping his sister out is when you starting hanging out more. One night when he was dropping you off after you guys had seen Provoker you just had this tense moment and he kissed you and you kissed back and well, now you’d been hooking up for a little over a month. 

Y/N: 

I did! Barely, but still haha

Ricky: 

But still:) When are you back?

Y/N:

Tuesday morning. Why…?

Ricky:

We should do something.

Y/N:

Yeah, that sounds nice. Maybe we can go to Venice? Grab some brunch and get high on the beach.

Ricky:

I think I might have to break our no romantic feelings rule over that.

You giggled as you read his reply and before you could respond a few knocks on the door startled you.

“Come in!” You called out.

“You’re up already?” Caitlyn asked with a smile and you nodded as she came over and climbed into the empty side of the bed. “How’d you sleep?”

“I should be asking you. The couch wasn’t too bad?” 

“It was alright. Better than being the audience to your tears all night.” She teased and you chuckled.

“Well, I didn’t really cry last night any more. I think it was just all really overwhelming in the moment.” You said and she nodded.

“Good. So you’re feeling OK? No bad crash?” She asked and you shook your head.

“I mean, I do feel a little down, but I don’t think it has anything to do with the molly…” you said and she hummed. “I’m just not happy with-” you paused and turned your attention back to you phone when it dinged in your hands and saw Ricky’s message.

Ricky:

I’m sorry. Did I make it weird?

Y/N:

No, not at all! Sorry, Cait just came in to check on me:)

Ricky:

Okay, thank fuck haha

Ricky:

Well I’ll let you go, I actually have to work out now so…

Y/N:

Stoooop, you do not lol It’s the worst, so I wouldn’t hold it against you if you didn’t.

Ricky:

Okay. I’ll just pretend not to know anything about your track history lol

Y/N:

Yeah, do that. I’ll text you later:)

Ricky:

Sounds good! 

“Look at you, all smiley after you said you’re a little down…” Caitlyn pointed out and you chuckled.

“It’s just Ricky.” You explained.

“Ah, still riding that…hmmm.” she hummed and you chuckled.

“God, so crass…” 

“I know.” She grinned and then your smile dropped as you recalled the previous topic at hand.

“I just feel really bad for yesterday. I hope I didn’t cause too big of a fuss with Harry and Taylor. I’m sure my reaction made me seem guilty of what she assumed.” You sighed, already overthinking it all over again. You’d replayed the scenario over and over at least a solid thousand times in the shower last night.

“Oh, they’ll be fine.” Caitlyn scoffed through a laugh, “You did the right thing in trying to avoid him. Who cares what she took the whole puking thing as. Hopefully she is able to believe Harry that you weren’t together and if she doesn’t well, that’s her issue, not yours.” She advised and you nodded.

“Right.” You smiled a bit.

“Well, what should we do today? Have breakfast and go for a little walk? Help wear off any hangover symptoms?”

“Yeah, that actually sounds good.”

“OK.” She smiled and got out of the bed, “I should shower first. S’gonna be a long one after the night we had.” She mumbled and you nodded.

“Oh yeah, please. Take your time.” You insisted.

**************

HARRY’S POV:

Harry hardly slept a wink. He hadn’t been able to reach anyone to stay with at the last minute and all the hotels he knew he could safely stay at were booked out, so he stayed on the couch in the suite. The couch was far too firm for his liking, but he still laid down there and just thought. He thought and thought for hours and hours if all of this had been worth it. He didn’t have Taylor and he didn’t have you. He felt heartbroken but he knew that this was the best outcome. He clearly couldn’t make up for the past, at least not in Taylor’s eyes. And it was better that they end things than for him to keep trying to meet an impossible expectation. Taylor wanted him to stop loving you, it was genuinely an impossible request. And settling deep in some crevice somewhere beneath all the hurt he recognized the feeling of relief. 

He tried his best to figure out what the relief was about, but he kept coming back to the same thing, he was relieved that the relationship was over. He felt wrong for having that thought. It was uncomfortable to have that knowledge and to just sit with it. But he processed through the discomfort and soon concluded that just how Taylor said she didn’t like herself anymore, neither did he. He was afraid to say or do the wrong thing and then be back in a weird limbo thing where she’d leave his place for a few days to clear her head and then come back a few days later with another condition he needed to meet to make things “work”. She was never unreasonable, but he was tired. He felt like he was fighting against who he was and he hated it. His mum always told him that he should be with someone who loves and accepts who he is and that he shouldn’t have to change fundamental parts of himself for the sake of making someone else happy.

He checked the time, it was only 7am and he dreaded being an early riser right now when he needed the rest. He just lay there quietly for a while, he could hear her moving around in the bedroom, she was probably packing up, their flight left that night. He had no idea what her plans were. Eventually, he really needed to use the bathroom and wanted a shower so he sat up and stretched his arms back behind his head and arched his back up, the low crack of his back releasing its tension made him hum before he stood. He knocked at the door gently with his index finger.

“Yeah?”

“I need a wee. And a shower.” He said. Moments later the lock clicked and she opened the door.

“Morning.”

“Good morning.” He murmured.

“You alright?” She asked.

“Yeah, I think so.” He said, “And you?”

“Good too. I don’t…regret it. Or take it back if that’s what you’re asking.” She said and he nodded, “Ummm, well go ahead and get in there.” She said.

“Tay?”

“Yeah?” She asked, eyes meeting his.

“We should talk logistics after. Don’t scamper off, alright?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yeah, ummm, should I order up?”

“Yeah, I’ll have whatever you have.”

“Kay.” She hummed.

When Harry got out their breakfast was being delivered. So he got dressed quickly and then headed out to the little table out in the lounging area of their suite. The spread looked good and he soon sat down and started eating. It was tense and quiet for a bit before he spoke up.

“So ummm…are you going to come back to London with me or take some time away?” He asked.

“Ummm, I think I’m gonna stay here. Just ummm…get a bit of space.”

“Yeah, that’s alright. Ummm, obviously, I can take care of this for you-”

“No, it’s alright. I mean…I broke up with you, if anything I should pay for you and…soothe your broken heart.” She said with a small smile and he chuckled.

“I might not seem like it but I am upset. It just doesn’t feel real yet.” He explained and she offered a tight-lipped smiled.

“It’s alright, I know what you mean.” She mumbled before they ate a bit more. “So ummm, are you gonna go after her? Y/N?”

“Ummm, we had this deal where we’d see where fate led us, so no.” he said and she sighed.

“All that for you not to go after what you really want?”

“It’s not like that. I really wanted things to work with you too, like I love you and I care about you-”

“Sure, but the whole time you’ve loved her. So you should go be with her.” She said, as if it were the obvious next move. He still didn’t think that she was fully understanding what was really going on inside of him.

“I mean, it’s not that simple…” 

“Sure it is, Harry.” She sighed, “You’ve been pining after her all these years. I mean, I know that things didn’t work out how you wanted the first time and that letting go really hurt you. But I think you’ve been running from what you really want for long enough, H. I know you’re scared that you’ll put yourself out there and it won’t work again, but you have to take the risk.”

“I will, just…when the time is right.” He said and she nodded.

After she packed the last of her things she headed off to somewhere he didn’t know and that was that.

****************

You had just finished breakfast and Caitlyn had just hopped in the shower and you were trying to figure out what to wear out. You had two options laid out on the bed when Caitlyn’s phone started ringing from the bedside table and you hurried over and froze as you saw “Harry Styles, mobile” displayed on the glass screen. There was a wacky picture of him making a funny, irritated face in the background. It made you smile for a moment before you wondered why he’d be calling. Maybe something was wrong? You decided to deal with the consequences later and just answer it. 

“Hello?” You greeted tentatively. Your voice faded into a breathless whisper by the second syllable of the word as the uncertainty of your decision grew.

“Y/N?” He asked, almost in disbelief and you nodded and then remembered you weren’t in front of him and inhaled sharply.

“Yeah, it’s me.” You responded and smiled when you heard him sigh in relief and then chuckle.

“Hi!” He greeted cheerfully.

“Hi.” You laughed breathily and then waited for his response.

“Ummm, I was only calling to check on you actually.” He said.

“Oh, that’s sweet of you.”

“Well, I heard through the grapevine that you got a little sick.” He chuckled and you giggled.

“Yeah, that happened…” you said and he hummed, “I’m alright, I just got overwhelmed because I was drinking and also I…did drugs. I don’t think I would’ve had such a theatrical reaction otherwise.” You explained.

“Well either way, I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

“Thank you. And how are you? I was worried that I maybe… caused some…tension between you and Taylor last night.” You said carefully.

“Yeah, I’m…alright.” He said, face twisted up a bit awkwardly.

“Why did you say it weird?” You asked and he chuckled.

“Did I?”

“I know you…” you said knowingly and he smiled to himself.

“I’m just so happy to hear your voice again. I missed the sound.” He expressed and you felt your cheeks getting all warm as you blushed.

“I’ve missed you too. A lot.” You responded. “So, how are you? Really.” You asked again. Harry was great at deflecting. But if something was wrong with them and you had unintentionally caused it, then the least you could do was talk it out with him.

“I swear, I am fine, but ummm…Taylor actually��broke up with me.” He said and you gasped audibly.

“Oh my god…” you sighed regretfully, already feeling awful and guilty for their demise, “I’m so sorry, H. So truly sorry. Are you sure you’re alright?” You asked and he sighed, “Was it because of me?” You asked next, your voice was small and quiet.

“Oh no, get that out of your head. Not at all.” He responded immediately, “It wasn’t you. This was all me…” he said and you sighed, “But I promise I’m good. Well at least right now I am…” he said.

“Well, when you don’t feel good you can call me, you know?” You said and he chuckled.

“Actually I can’t…I haven’t got your number any more.” He confessed and you scoffed.

“Oh…Okay…” you hummed in playful offense.

“I assure you it wasn’t my idea.” He added with a chuckle, “But I mean, deleting it didn’t really do what it was intended to, which was get me to forget about you, so…” He chuckled.

“I mean…” you hummed and giggled.

“Well ummm…I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Thanks. When are you heading home?”

“Tonight. I leave at 10.”

“Oh ummm…if you wanted some company we’re gonna go for a walk in the park?” You offered.

“Really?”

“Yeah, H.”

“Yeah, I’d love to come. Ummm, I’m staying at The Mark, so right near the park.”

“Oh, we’re at the Carlyle! Just down the street from you. We can walk over and meet you in the lobby?”

“Yeah, that’s perfect. Text me when you guys are walking over.”

“Will do.” You smiled.

“Alright, see you later. Bye.”

“Bye.”

When Caitlyn came out of the shower you immediately told her what you’d done and that Harry and Taylor had broken up. She was completely shocked that something as seemingly insignificant as running into you in the bathroom had been the thing that pushed Taylor over the edge.

“Wow…”

“I know. He said it wasn’t my fault but…I mean it all goes to shit after I had a wee run in with Taylor in the bathroom?”

“Yeah…I just can’t believe that is what broke the camel’s back. Like, it must’ve been quite bad between them if that’s all it took, you know?”

“Yeah…like I feel like it’s kind of my fault, but I also know I didn’t do anything, you know? But God, just seeing the joy drain from her face when she realized it was me…that sucked.”

“I can imagine. But hey, now you’re both single, maybe you guys can try again now.”

“Maybe…but he really loved her so I think he will need some time to get past this.”

“Just don’t wait too long. With both of you griping at me I don’t know what to do anymore.” She chuckled and you smiled.

“Yeah…”

***************

You and Caitlyn were waiting in the lobby at The Mark and after a few minutes Harry was wandering down looking cozy in a hoodie and some workout shorts. He smiled and waved when he saw you guys. You and Caitlyn waved back as he came closer.

“Hiya.” He said lowly as he hugged Caitlyn.

“Hey.” She hummed and then they pulled back.

“Hi.” He said more timidly as he stepped over to you and hugged you into his body. You relaxed in his hold and sighed in relief.

“Hi. It’s so good to see you.” You smiled as you pulled back.

“You too.” He grinned, “Umm, shall we?”

“Yeah, let’s go.” Caitlyn agreed.

You were all chatting, recounting your adventures from the MET as you made your walk through the park. Then, Caitlyn would take you guys to a coffee shop she really liked. It was relaxed, though as you got deeper through the park a couple of people did notice you guys and two girls started following you guys for a bit until you were veering too far from their path. You were all linked arms and skipping as you playfully sung the “We’re Off to See the Wizard” song from “The Wizard of Oz” through your laughter.

“Okay friends, ready for a little caffeine boost?” Caitlyn asked.

“Definitely.” Harry chuckled and then you guys started heading back. 

While waiting in line at the coffee shop and chatting with Caitlyn about what you guys should try, you and Harry had to respectfully decline getting pictures and videos with fans to avoid making a huge fuss. But nevertheless, it was obvious that people were recording from afar or taking pictures without your consent. He didn’t seem as nervous or fearful about it as he did when you two dated, so at least there was that. He felt far more confident and comfortable declining these requests now. Before he felt a little bit obligated, as did you, because if it weren’t for these people’s support you wouldn’t be where you were. 

You did a lot of work on boundaries in therapy and now you thought of it as being on and off the clock. If you were at an event or on a stage or out in public repping a certain brand or product even if you were with friends then you were “on the clock”. But if you were just hanging out with your friends, running errands, going about your day…then you considered yourself to be “off the clock” and during these moments, depending on where you were or who you were with, you might accept or decline the requests fans made of you. Now, after what Harry had been dealing with since the night (or early morning technically) you didn’t really want anyone getting too close and you could see the gratitude in his eyes when you turned away yet another fan who was gazing between the two of you and deciding that you might be the easiest target. 

“You’ve gotten really good at this.” Harry hummed lowly as he leaned closer to you and you giggled as his lips slightly tickled your ear.

“Thanks. Therapy.” You said as you glanced up at him and he hummed.

“Not cause of me, right?” He asked quietly.

“Not primarily, but you came up.” You confirmed and he smiled.

“I talked about you too. A lot.” He chuckled and you smiled.

“All good things I hope…”

“Oh yeah…definitely.” He said sarcastically and you laughed and you moved to elbow him playfully but he caught your arm first and just pulled your body in front of his. “Had to overpower you to prevent any violence.” He said quietly and you laughed and tossed your head back to rest on his shoulder and he glanced down at you.

“You have boogies.” You grinned as you informed him quietly and he furrowed his eyebrows and scoffed.

“No I don’t.” He sniffled and ran his finger under his nose just in case and you laughed and turned around to face him again now that his dominant hand was occupied. “Do I really?” He asked you quietly and you sniggered and shook your head.

“No, just messing with you.” You assured him as you laughed and he rolled his eyes before suddenly grabbing your arms and pulling you in and then pulling your arms around his torso.

“Hug me.” He requested softly and you swore the entire world stopped just then and you smiled as you leaned into him and hugged him tight before he squeezed around your waist and exhaled. You gently scratched over the expanse of his back for a few moments, “Now when I google us this’ll come up.” He said softly.

“Hmmm, very clever.” You smiled, “Love it.” You decided and he chuckled.

“Okay, stop flirting and decide on your drinks, we’re next in line.” Caitlyn said.

“Ready?” You asked softly.

“No.” Harry mumbled, “But do it. Just do it.” You sighed and let go of him and you looked up at him with a gentle smile as you rubbed over his shoulder.

“Oh, I missed you.” You said and he grinned and you turned around as you heard Caitlyn start ordering her drink.

“Please don’t check ‘em out, I’ve got them covered.” Harry called to the cashier who nodded and smiled at him. Soon after you were all corned up near the pick up counter chatting, including Caitlyn in it a lot more now that you and Harry had been able to just relish in each other’s company for a little bit.

“Order for Harry!” The barista called and Harry walked up and grabbed the drinks, smiling at the barista and mumbling a thanks before going the few steps over to you guys and handing over your drinks. 

Caitlyn had gotten a matcha latte while you and Harry opted for plain cold brews. Once again, you guys took off but this time back to your hotels with your drinks in hand to beat the warmth of the day. You guys were talking about your favorite looks of the night as you made the walk back and when you were down the street he turned to you guys.

“Ummm, would you guys want to come up for a bit? I don’t have to leave until 8 from here?” He asked, “We could have dinner?” He asked you two and Caitlyn shrugged.

“Yeah, I’m down.” She smiled and you turned to Harry and nodded in agreement. 

After being seen leaving earlier, there were people waiting around for him outside the hotel but you guys rushed in quickly and then headed up to his suite. You headed off to the bathroom while Caitlyn and Harry picked something to watch. You looked yourself over in the mirror and you were glad that you looked alright, you felt a little weird from your slight hangover still, bit you were glad you didn’t look dead. When you opened up the door Caitlyn was sitting on the bed waiting for you to get out so she could go in.

“S’all yours.” You smiled as you stepped out.

“Behave.” She admonished and you giggled and headed back out to the little “living room” area to see Harry still scrolling through the channels on the TV with a little furrow in his brow and a slight squint to his eyes and you smiled.

“Where are you glasses?”

“I lost ‘em a bit ago.” He said glancing over to you before you plopped down beside him.

“Oh H…”

“I know. Haven’t been able to secure an appointment.” He said and you hummed. 

“You feeling OK though?” You asked more seriously and he nodded.

“Yeah…like it sucks, but you guys are good company. I’m sure I’ll feel it when I’m on my own though.”

“Well I think that’s great, H.” You said and he looked at you a bit perplexed, “I mean that you have to feel this out. I know that you really love her and that this can’t be easy for you, so you have to sit with it a bit and just go through the motions of it all.” You explained.

“And what about us? Didn’t we agree that-”

“Technically you said a few years from now…” you said with a soft smile.

“Well I’ll be 30-something by then…”

“So will I…” you shrugged and he smiled a bit sadly.

“Have you…changed your mind?” He asked you cautiously. He was trying not to look broken up about it, but you knew him well and you could see the fear and concern in his eyes.

“I’m not saying that. I’m saying you need to be single for a little bit. More than two months.” You said and he chuckled, “Seriously Harry, when we ended you had a new girlfriend a few months later. And then when that ended you were suddenly with Taylor, no?” You asked and he chuckled.

“Yeah, I did kinda rush into this last few more than usual…it just felt really right at the time and we vibed well. I knew I’d be off for a bit so it felt like good time to try.” He explained with a shrug. “Taylor actually started talking to me before I was single, so we were friends for a bit so it’s not like I just dated someone I hardly knew.” He defended and you giggled along with him.

“Yeah, I joke a bit. But I mean, as long as you don’t regret the time you’ve spent and as long as you’ve learned and grown from these people and your relationships with them I think that’s great. But I think we both know that filling the void is simply a bandaid.” You explained.

“I know…” he sighed, “I really am just so scared of being alone.”

“Well H, you’re never going to be alone. I’m here whenever you need anything.” You assured and he glanced to you with a smile, “I know that maybe it was just…scary to talk and be around each other before, but I mean once we did see each other it didn’t…hurt. Not at all. It actually brought me…relief that…nothing had really changed between us.” You said to him and he hummed and nodded.

“Yeah.” He smiled, “You know I was genuinely dreading the day I’d run into you. I think I also thought it would be painful or feel like defeat or failure… it did fuck me up a bit but in a good way.” He assured and you chuckled.

“Yeah, same…” you smiled, “Well, all that to say that I love you, a lot! And I’ll always be here for you no matter what happens with us. I don’t want us to be estranged ever again. Got it?”

“Yeah.” He nodded with a relieved smile, “You know, I think you’re right though…”

“Of course I am.” You said, “About what?” He chuckled.

“That I need to just take a little bit of time to really just get through this and then we can think of everything else.”

“Right.” You smiled. 

You guys fell silent for a bit and then you heard that Caitlyn was actually on the phone in the bedroom. When you glanced back there the door was nearly closed all the way and you sighed as you glanced down at your hands.

“How about you? How’ve you been?” He asked.

“Good.” You nodded, “I mean, Seb was relentless for a bit, but a few weeks ago he just stopped trying to win me back. I mean, I don’t think what he wants is awful, but I don’t see myself changing that much of myself just to fit the kind of person he wants.”

“Yeah.” Harry nodded in understanding. “Like I don’t think that’s a bad thing either, but it’s just the way he expects it to rest on you that’s a little…antiquated.” He chuckled and you nodded.

“Right, like don’t tell it to me like it’s my job because I’m a female. That’s where it really upset me. Like if you have a life together and you share a home and have a family it’s both of yours to look after!”

“I agree.” He chuckled, “You know, I still don’t know how to change a tire.” He chuckled and you smiled.

“I don’t think you’ll ever need to know anyway.” You teased and he sniggered. He repositioned himself so that he was facing you now and you glanced over at him. “What?” You questioned and he smiled.

“I’m really happy that you’re here.” He said softly.

“Me too.” You assured and then he pulled you into his arms and hugged you tight. He sighed in relief as he rested his cheek over the top of your head. As you exhaled your body melted into his even more until he just left himself fall back against the arm of the couch.

“You know, when we were together, I genuinely thought you were the best person I’d ever met. And like even now, it’s like you’re still the same person but just elevated, if that makes sense?” He asked and you hummed, “I want to experience you as you are now. I really love what I’ve seen. Your self control, your patience, and your self awareness, I really enjoy seeing you this way. I think when we were younger you kind of…looked to me a lot to gauge how you should feel about things…like not that you were just agreeing with me, but that my views and perception of things mattered a lot and influenced yours a lot.” He explained and you hummed.

“Yeah, that’s very true. I think you just had so much more experience in the world and I agreed with mostly everything you cared about and so I definitely tried to learn things from you and let those things influence me a lot.” 

“Well not anymore…” he smiled, “I mean, I think values-wise we’ll always be on the same page, but now you’ve grown into it on your own. Like, you took all this time to just look after yourself and understand yourself and I’m just so proud of who you’ve become. And I want to…get to that point. I want to get to a point where you are proud of me.” He said.

“Oh, I am!” You said as you set up and turned to face him again, “I think you’ve come such a long way, H. And I think you know who you are now and it’s so refreshing to see it. I think you’ve overcome your need to people please and also your fear of what people think of you and what you do. Before, the way you were perceived was almost the most important thing to you.”

“Yeah.” He agreed.

“Like over the last couple years, seeing you out and about with your friends, your partners, or whatever it be, I mean, I love it! You’ve started choosing the things and people that make you happy regardless of what other people think and I love that for you so, so much. I’ve just always wanted for you to feel happy with yourself.” You said as you reached for and then squeezed his hand in yours. He glanced down at it and smiled.

“I do, I really do.” He assured you. “You know, I just can’t help but get excited when I think about how things will be with us when we try again. It’s going to be so good…we’ve both grown up so much and really taken care of ourselves. I think I might have a bit of catching up to do with you…” he chuckled, “But I’m going to work hard at it for myself and for us too.” He said and you smiled.

“Well just know that I’ve loved every version of you so far because you’ve always been good to me. But it’s really important to me that you feel happy with yourself and clearly that’s something you’re getting more and more in tune with and it’s very beautiful to witness.” You said.

“Ummm, thank you.” He said with a timid smile as you ran your thumb over his knuckles.

“Yeah, of course.” You replied. And before anything more could happen Caitlyn came out of the bedroom and let out an exasperated sigh. “Is everything alright?” You asked her as you both watched her come around.

“A writing session got moved up for a show I’m working on and I’ll need to be back in LA tomorrow afternoon.” She groaned as she plopped down on the couch. “I found a flight, a red eye though.” She said and you hummed.

“Well I’ll go back too, don’t want to be here by myself.” You said and she nodded.

“OK, let me get them then.”

“OK, I’ll Zelle you right now, just let me know how much they are.” You said and she nodded.

“We need to pack.”

“Yeah…” you sighed.

“You guys can go if you want. Please don’t feel obligated to hang around here.” Harry said.

“What if we help you finish your packing and then you can come with us and we can pack while we have dinner and then you go from there?” Caitlyn suggested.

“Ummm yeah, I’d love that actually.” He said.

“Settled then.” You smiled at him and he returned a brighter smile, “Let’s do it!” You said and he guided you guys to the bedroom and got his things together. 

He only had a carry on as he was only there for a few days so this didn’t take too long. You guys ordered an Uber while Harry checked out and then you all headed back to your hotel. Caitlyn did her own packing as she didn’t want Harry seeing her intimates and such, so he stuck to helping you. Not that he had seen any of your new stuff, but at least he’d been in that position before. Since you guys were going to be there for a week total you guys unpacked your things into the dressers and closet, so currently all your things were laid out on the floor while Caitlyn’s were on the large bed you had shared over the last several days.

“So you guys shared?” Harry asked as he folded up some of your jeans.

“Yep. Though I don’t think we will ever again-”

“Oh my god…I shoved you one night.” Caitlyn said as you started to laugh and Harry did too.

“One night’s enough trauma.” You said and she scoffed.

“Do you kick?” Harry asked.

“No, I think I maybe had a very vivid dream because I’m usually a very still.” She explained, “Though you are a cuddler. Maybe I was trying to get away from you.” She said to you and you giggled.

“Maybe…it’s just when I sleep in unfamiliar spaces.” You explained and Harry smiled at you.

“Still? With how much you’re on the road for tours and shit?” He asked and you shrugged, “S’cute.” He assured you softly as he continued folding one of your tops.

“It’s not.” Caitlyn said to you with a grin and you just stuck your tongue out at her and she chuckled.

After a bit you guys ordered in some grilled cheese sandwiches because it’s just a lovely comfort food. With Harry there and some stimulating conversation you guys finished packing quite fast, but now you had to go down to reception and sort out the early check out. Harry offered to go with you but you assured him it was fine, you didn’t want him to get flocked in the lobby and then you hurried out promising to be back soon.

“So…what’s up with you two?” Caitlyn asked Harry when you left.

“She wants me to stay single for a while and properly move past this. I mean, she’s right of course, but it’s just something I struggle with.” He admitted, “But she said I can count on her if I need anything.” He said of you.

“Yeah, of course. And me too! You have so many friends out in LA who would more than gladly lend an ear since we don’t see you as much anymore.” She explained and he smiled.

“Well thank you. I will definitely take advantage of that. And like…I do want to work on myself a bit more…maybe I can head out there for a bit and get some face time with my therapist. We talk on the phone or do virtual stuff sometimes, but I think I could use some in person intensive work. We haven’t spoken in maybe…close to a year.” He explained with a chuckle.

“Well yeah, if it’ll be beneficial to you, do it.” She encouraged him.

“Ummm, I hate to do this to you but ummm…I saw Y/N texting someone quite a bit while we were down here…is she seeing someone?” He asked, “Or maybe I should just ask her…yeah, I’ll just ask her.” He said instead and Caitlyn chuckled.

“Alright.” She smiled. Shortly after you came back into the room and told Caitlyn everything was good to go for your earlier departure. “Excellent.” She said to you, “Well, now that we’re all packed I’m going to smoke my joint on the balcony, I want this to be the greatest grilled cheese I’ve eaten in a long time.” She said as she stood from the bed and stretched. “Do you guys want some?” She asked glancing to them and then giving Harry a knowing glance.

“No, I’m alright.” Harry said.

“Same.” You assured her and she smiled and then made her way out of the bedroom and into the common area of your shared suite and after a few moments you guys heard the door shut behind her. 

“You still don’t smoke?”

“I’ve tried, I just can’t. It burns so bad.” You grimaced and he chuckled.

“S’not good for us anyway…” he said and you nodded, “Ummm…can I ask you something?” 

“Yeah, of course.” You nodded and waited for him to speak up expectantly.

“That umm…the guy you keep texting? Are you- is he-”

“Oh no. No, no, no.” you said to him right away, “Well…we are…ummm, hooking up, but he’s just a friend.” You explained and he nodded.

“Oh okay. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t like…coming on so strong just for you to be…taken again.”

“I’m not the one who moves lightening fast here…” you teased and he chuckled and bit down on his lip to suppress the laughter he wanted to let out, “Come on…you know it was funny.” You pressed as you giggled.

“Yeah, real fucking funny.” He grinned and you chuckled as you stood up from the floor, “Where are you going?”

“Nowhere, just up here. I wanna pick a really funny movie because I really like it when she gets all giggly.” You explained to Harry and he laughed as he also pushed himself up off the ground and joined you on the large king bed. You glanced down at the remote with about a bajillion buttons and scoffed as you tried to find the one that would bring up the list of the scheduled programming.

“Need some help?”

“I can do it.” You assured as you pressed yet another wrong button, “Doesn’t it usually say guide?” You asked and he chuckled.

“Yeah? Does it not?”

“No…” you hummed, “Here.” You said handing it over and he scanned over his options before just trying “menu” and hoping that would take him somewhere useful but nothing happened, “I think we’re on the menu page.” You said to him and he furrowed his eyebrows.

“Should we call the front desk?”

“Oh no, that’s humiliating. I think we can just press every button until we find it.” You sniggered and he handed it back over.

“You do it then.” 

“Gladly.” You hummed and started going button by button, after a few tries you gasped and you got it. “Oh! Hooray!” You exclaimed and he just watched you light up at such a tiny thing and it made his heart flutter at just how cute you were. That’s one thing he missed so much about you. You made such a big fuss over things, truly anything was an excuse to celebrate and be joyful. He missed being around that, there truly wasn’t a victory too small for you. Harry studied your face as you looked through the channels listed on the screen. “You’re staring.” You smiled without peeling your eyes from the screen.

“I know.” He responded and you glanced over to him to find him just admiring you. “You’re just so breathtaking.” he said softly. It made your heart flutter and for your tummy to feel all tingly as his gaze raked down your face and then landed on your lips. You had to look away because you swore your throat was closing up from how nervous you were. But when his hand landed under your jaw and angled you back up to look into his eyes you swallowed thickly.

“Har…” you whispered and squeezed your eyes shut.

“No, baby. Look at me. Please.” He insisted and you blinked your eyes open to look at him again with a racing pulse as he inched closer to you. Your noses touched and you lingered near each other nervously, eyes flickering between each others as your lips skimmed together as your breaths started getting heavier. Both of you were hoping one of you would be brave enough to bite the bullet or to just break it off. But preferably to follow through with the kiss.

“Fuck it.” You whispered before surging up to properly connect your lips. The first kiss was just a quick one, a tester almost since you both just looked at each other for a moment.

“One more.” He mumbled and you nodded before he leaned back in and held your neck gently as he kissed you deeper this time. But that kiss inevitably became a string of smiley pecks as you two tried to pull away. “Just one more then.” He smiled and you laughed a bit as he kissed over your top lip and then your bottom lip before he pulled back and your eyes met again. They were both sparkling with need and before you knew it your arms were around his neck and he was settling himself over you as your head sank into the fluffy pillow beneath you . Harry’s warm smooth lips moved in a perfectly synchronized and familiar dance with your own as you kissed ardently.

You moaned as he rolled you onto your sides and his arm draped over your hip and then slid under your shirt. His fingers tickled up your bare back before his hand flattened right beneath the band of your bra and pushed you closer to him. His thigh was trapped between your legs, allowing just a bit of friction for you. Your tongues slid together before he sucked on your bottom lip and then went back in to kiss you properly. Just as things were about to get a bit more heated you heard some heavy knocks on the door along with the room service call. 

“Mmm…need to get the food.” You mumbled against his mouth.

“In a second.” He hummed before licking into you again and you shuddered and moaned into his mouth at his intensity and fell back into the languid kiss. You were buzzing with excitement as he started to peck your lips a few times before slowly retreating until finally, you were both just panting heavily as you regained your breaths. “Okay, go.” He hummed softly with a smile.

“One more.” You whispered to him and he grinned and grabbed your face before pecking over your lips several times until you were both giggling through it, no amount of kisses were enough for either of you.

“Just leave or I won’t be able to stop.” He mumbled and you laughed, tossing your head back which caused him to kiss your chin. When you straightened up again he ran his thumb down your smile line, “Mmmm, I’ve missed your laugh. And your lips, and how you taste, and how you kiss me…” he muttered between gentle smooches. “It’s just not like this with anyone else.” He mumbled and you pressed your forehead against his.

“It’s really not.” You agreed, “Okay, let me get the food. And Caitlyn.” You said and he nodded before kissing the tip of your nose and letting you go. You rolled out of the bed and then hurried to get the door to wheel in your tray of food and then you went to grab Caitlyn who was already quite stoned. “Come to bed, we’re gonna watch a movie or something.”

“Kay.” She mumbled and followed you into the bedroom as you pushed the little cart in.

Harry rolled out of the bed and grabbed his sandwich before hopping back on and then you grabbed yours and got on the bed next. Caitlyn stayed standing as she picked at the fries on her plate.

“Get on.” You giggled and she sniggered.

“Oh right, right…” she hummed and got in behind you. “What’re we watching?” She asked as she leaned against the headboard.

“Oh, we’re watching Derry Girls. This thing has Netflix.” Harry said as he searched it up.

“How convenient that you know how it works now.” You said to him as he pointed the remote at the TV.

“Oh no, I just pressed something by mistake as I adjusted myself a bit.” He chuckled, “Well m-my position! I adjusted my position.” He clarified quickly for Caitlyn’s sake.

“Oh please, I only left to give you guys a moment. The sexual tension is suffocating.” Caitlyn said before biting into her sandwich and then moaning in delight at the perfectly crisp bread and then the gooey, warm cheese. “What you two have is what I have with this sandwich right now…fuck, that’s perfect…” she sighed happily. And you just giggled as you glanced to Harry and shrugged and he smiled and then you all started eating as the show started up.

The time for Harry to go came very swiftly and before you knew it, you and Caitlyn were getting in the elevator to walk him out to meet his driver. You all chatted a bit during the ride down and finally you were heading out to the lobby.

“Ummm Cait can you be a look out for a minute?” Harry asked her and she smiled and nodded as she reached for his suitcase and Harry grabbed your hand and pulled you into the stairwell. “I just wanted to hold you for a little bit.” He said and you smiled and hugged him tight and he sighed and squeezed you.

“You’re gonna be a alright, H.” You assured him, “And if at any point you’re not, I’m here for you. Always.” You assured him and you felt him nod in understanding. “I love you. So, so much.” You reminded him.

“I love you too.” He whispered back. After a few more moments you pulled back and tiptoed before you grabbed his face gently in your hands and smiled as you pressed a quick kiss to his lips.

“One for the road.” You hummed and he smiled.

“Thank you.”

“Of course.” You assured him and then you grabbed his hand and led him back out by the elevators.

“That was quick.” Caitlyn smirked and you both rolled your eyes at her as she giggled.

“You’re a menace.” Harry said as he grabbed his bag from her hands.

“I know.” She giggled.

“Come on. Can’t keep the driver waiting.” You said and then you guys headed out. 

The night was still warm and Harry greeted his driver before getting his bag in the car. There were a few people lingering outside who were now watching the three of you considering Harry was a hard person to miss, his energy alone commanded people’s attention. 

“Well thank you both for including me today. I had a lot of fun and I missed being with you guys.” He smiled.

“I’m glad you had a good time.”, “Of course, H.” You and Caitlyn ensured.

“A group hug is in order, I think.” He said and you both smiled and huddled around him.

“Don’t be a stranger.” Caitlyn hummed as you guys pulled apart.

“I won’t.” He assured with a smile before hugging her and then he hugged you. He held you a bit longer than Caitlyn before he released you.

“Let me know when you land and make it home safe. Okay?” You smiled up at him as you rubbed his arm sweetly and he nodded before hopping in the car. You guys waved him off and then headed back up to your suite.

“You know you’re gonna go way more viral now…” Caitlyn said and you sighed.

“No, I think people will say he cheated on Taylor with me and wreak havoc on me.” You said, realistically. 

“Well, he kinda did…” Caitlyn said through a chuckle.

“Oh, shut it.” You quipped and she laughed. “Fuck…he did though.”

“It was a kiss.” 

“A kiss she doesn’t know about.” Caitlyn reminded and you nibbled on your bottom lip as you rode back up to your floor.

“Maybe asking him to join us was a mistake? I mean…he looked far too happy for just being broken up with.”

“Friend, he hadn’t been happyfor a while now and it was all to do with the path his relationship was going down. Not you.” She said emphatically, “You both kept your end of the bargain by keeping your distance and seeing what would happen in the future. It was just hard for Taylor to live with the information that he still loves you. Do you think he’s polyamorous?” She asked you.

“I don’t know…maybe?” You shrugged.

“I mean, at least when we spoke about his predicament that’s what it sounded like to me. That he loved you but that he also loved Taylor and he wanted to try and keep his feelings for you “on pause” somehow to work on his relationship with her.” She explained and you hummed. “But I think to her it was hard to come to terms that he was in love with you while simultaneously being in love with her. And I told him that it just doesn’t work for some people, they don’t see how love can be expansive like that in a committed relationship. My first ever girlfriend in college, Jen, was poly. And I thought I was okay with it, she said she could be monogamous, just her feelings continued to exist for others. She had this friend though that she loved too, it was just so obvious how they felt for each other and it sucked. It started to affect how I felt in that relationship. She never crossed a line and neither did he, but I just felt really insecure in it. I understand it so much better now, I mean I was only 19 when I dated her. But I fully understand why for Taylor it was just not possible to move forward with Harry if this is her first time in a situation like this.” She explained and you nodded. “And I mean, I think that you also need to figure out if that’s something you can live with if he is.” She said.

“Right…”

“Like I get that you guys are like each other’s person, but that doesn’t mean he can’t meet and love someone else along the way, you know?”

“Yeah, that’s true…I mean, just seeing how he was trying to accommodate things to support Taylor’s needs gives me a sense of peace. But I mean, we should definitely have a conversation about what this might look like for him in the future whenever we get back to a stage where we’ll have a relationship.”

“I agree.” Caitlyn said.

Overall, you felt good about where you were now to be back in touch with Harry if he needed you at any point. You were also extremely proud of yourself for the way you handled the situation about your future together. Of course, you would run into his arms at a moment’s notice, but he was sad and he needed to grieve the wonderful person he had lost. He did love Taylor, at least enough to put all of his effort into making up for breaking her trust. It had just happened and you really wanted to give him time to sit with the situation and work through the hard feelings you knew would come soon.

As soon as you guys landed early the next morning you, Harry, and Caitlyn were plastered all over social media per a call from your manager. She sent you a link and you looked and sure enough there were photos and videos of you three talking and skipping through central park, looking like you were having the best day of your lives. You showed Caitlyn who just mumbled a low “it is what it is” and you bit your lip.

JENNY L:

And there’s also this one…

You saw her next text and then clicked on the linked article and when it loaded you couldn’t help but snort out a laugh as you read the obscenely cheesy title of the gossip article: “STYLES CHOOSES TO SKIP OUT ON TAYLOR!” It was staring at you in big, bold red font. But your stomach twisted a bit in anxiety as you scrolled down the article recounting what witnesses had said to the tabloid. There were quotes in the same bold font saying how you guys seemed really “happy”, “cozy”, and “familiar with each other.” And of course there was a short clip of him whispering into your ear while you hugged and gently scratched at his back at the coffee shop. Also of you glancing up at him and the both of you smiling when you joked with him about having visible boogies… you smiled at the memory but you knew that what would surely come next when the both of you gave no real explanation to this. Towards the bottom of it there was one more photo, one of the only ones ever taken of you two a couple years into your relationship. You guys had been walking back to his house in London after having some lunch. It explained how it seemed that you guys had been familiar at some point and maybe you’d lost touch but were back in touch after the MET.

JENNY L:

I already have a few reporters reaching out for commentary. Please tell me you guys didn’t do something bad…

Y/N:

No, don’t worry about this. Taylor actually broke up with him after a MET after party. There was an incident, I’ll call and explain when I get home. We’re in the car service right now on our way back from LAX.

JENNY L:

For sure. 

Y/N:

I’ll also call Harry and see what his team is going to do.

JENNY L:

For now don’t. I’ll get in touch with Jeffrey and Tommy. I know they’ll want to isolate him from this as much as possible. I’ll be standing by for your phone call.

Y/N:

Sounds good. Talk soon!

Jenny “hearted” your message and you guys drove off to your place in silence. Caitlyn had left her car at your place and since Sebastian and you had broken up she decided to keep some things at your place for impromptu sleep overs. So as soon as you got in she went to get some more sleep in the guest bedroom while you called Jenny and explained what had happened the night before. It hadn’t been anything bad, but you then explained what Caitlyn had shared about how Harry and Taylor were struggling with getting back on track after he admitted he had feelings for you.

“…so yeah, there wasn’t anything fishy per se apart from that. We actually hadn’t even spoken since we saw each other last year. Taylor never attempted to contact me or anything either, we don’t even know each other. Just that little run-in in the bathroom which no one saw.” You shared with Jenny, “So uh, no connections there either.”

“Okay, sounds good. Already the fans are labeling you a home wrecker, they really liked them together.”

“Yeah, I was expecting that.” You sighed.

“Oh, Jeffrey just texted me!” Jenny said and opened it up, “Okay he said that Harry wants to clarify that you have been close friends since you were 19 years old but that he’s not all that sure that they should do that because you guys having a history could mean more of a logical framework for any theories of cheating.”

“Yeah, like we were so close that it eventually led to that…” you said, “I mean we could just both go no comment. I know we didn’t do anything wrong so… ”

“Yeah, I agree. I guess Harry doesn’t want to “hide you from his life” is what Jeff just said.” She shared and you bit your lip.

“I think I need to talk to Harry ,this is something he feels like he might owe me for. When we dated, I mean, you know…we were both so worried about the public ruining it for us. He did tell me that he felt bad that he let his fear of what others might think get in the way of us living our lives. And that it sometimes felt like we never happened because everything was so hidden. He said he wished that everyone could’ve seen how happy we make each other. He could be wanting to make up for that…”

“Mmmm, okay. Let me tell Jeffrey to get him on the line, we can do a group call or FaceTime?”

“Yeah, that’s alright.” You assured her.

“Okay I’ll call you back.”

“Yeah.” 

A few minutes later a call was coming in with the three of them and Jenny, and you guys started to discuss. Tommy said that he had tried to get in touch with Taylor’s team but she didn’t want to weigh in on anything as she was still dealing with the decision to break up with him. Harry understood that, so they weren’t going to get a confirmation from her any time soon that she had ended the relationship.

“H, I completely understand why you want to release that statement but I think it’ll only perpetuate the idea that we were doing things behind her back.”

“I just don’t want to hide that you make me happy anymore.” He sighed.

“We’re not, I mean the pictures are everywhere.” You said with a small smile, “People can see it but we don’t owe them any explanations about it. I don’t think we should address speculations.”

“Yeah, yeah you’re right.” He finally agreed and everyone looked relieved.

“I think if we gradually increase your time together it might make it look more natural?” Tommy suggested.

“What about private photos? What if we have an “iCloud leak”-”

“Absolutely not.” Harry cut Jenny off.

“Well Harry, that might establish what you want without having to say anything.” Jeffrey explained.

“We could choose what we release. Just things from birthdays or shows, parties…” you suggested, “We could show them this is nothing new, that we were always like this.” You smiled.

“Okay, fine…I mean, even Caitlyn has some stuff on her instagram from years ago…I was…looking.” He said and you smiled. “Oh shut it…” he chuckled as you all laughed.

“She’s on private though…always has been.” You reminded and he hummed.

“What if she’s the one that gets “hacked”. People are starting to look into who she is as well. I already saw one article that identified that she’s a screenwriter, I’m sure more people will be trying to see how she’s linked.” Jeffrey chimed in.

“I’ll have to ask her…I don’t want her to give up her privacy for us.” You said and Harry agreed.

“Well I think that would be the best case if she gives us access to her instagram and iCloud. But if not, then we just do the iCloud leak from one of your accounts.” Jeffrey decided. “Start looking through your pictures guys.”

You guys agreed on this strategy and you agreed you’d ask Caitlyn when she woke up. Of course, your best friend listened with an open mind and wasn’t even reluctant to agree and help you guys out. She knew that you guys had messed up when you saw each other that first time, but your commitment to let each other try and live your own lives really showed her that you guys regretted betraying your partners, so of course she wanted to help you both now. When she checked her instagram there were already tons of DM’s and follow requests waiting for her. She wasn’t even verified, she really just used this for personal things, so it would be understandable if she got hacked now that she was connected to you and Harry. Over the next few days your teams figured out the logistics of this plan and Caitlyn shared with you and Harry any pictures that she had of you guys on her iCloud and then a few weeks later the “leak” happened. 

Screenshots of Caitlyn's grid were taken and leaked on twitter from years back and it worked. People were immediately finding what you guys wanted them to find. Then two days later the “iCloud leak” happened. With this stunt, a solid timeline of your and Caitlyn’s friendship with Harry was established. There weren’t too many photos but the ones that fans were circulating the most were the ones of you two with Harry while he was still in the band. Of you guys at Caitlyn’s 25th birthday party with you and Harry kissing her cheek on either side. There was a video of you and Harry doing karaoke, a couple of pictures and a video of Caitlyn and Harry at your first big, sold out show in London. And finally one of him painting your nails with a prototype of what fans soon discovered was now the Pleasing polish “inky pearl”. It had to appear as though “the hacker” had intentionally dug through years of things to find this specific content. And once those were out into the world the tune changed and people thought it was cute that you guys had been friends for that long. People were saying that you guys appeared to be really into each other even back then and that you would make a cute couple.

Naturally, that started shifting the narrative into “maybe Harry dumped Taylor and was just out with his old friends to cheer up a bit”, which was mostly right. But once that became the main rumor an anonymous source leaked to a few gossip news outlets that Taylor had actually been the one to dump Harry the night of the MET. Obviously, Harry and Tommy had been in on that with her representatives because they didn’t want her looking like the chump when she had been the one that did the dumping. And once that came out the internet went wild and people were overwhelmed with the knowledge that his old friends truly were comforting him after a break up and that Taylor had dumped Harry because they were “growing apart”. 

You were fine, but having that all out there in print is what really seemed to make it real for Harry and he started to disappear a bit. You knew he needed space and time to process and heal, so you gave it. You didn’t want to bug him or make him feel pressured, so you assured him that he didn’t have to talk to you if he wasn’t in the mood. But if he didn’t mind, you’d just check in every few days, say hi, send some encouragements and he agreed to that. It was all very one sided as the months inched by and boy, did you miss him, but he really needed to get through this on his own terms.

…. August 2024 ….

Harry’s POV:

When Taylor returned to London in early June to pick up her things from his place it was extremely bittersweet for him to see how she looked so much lighter in terms of her mood and persona as a whole. She didn’t look tired or stressed how she had towards the end of their relationship. She looked more like herself and even sounded like herself, all bubbly and optimistic about things. It made him feel really happy for her, but it also made him sad, knowing that he contributed to her unhappiness. Knowing that he had hurt her enough to dull the gorgeous and bright person that she had been before. The person that he had fallen in love with. He even tried to kiss her when she was leaving and nearly died of embarrassment when she rejected him, but he understood.

He and Tommy did share the PR plan you guys made and assured her that you were cautious in trying to keep her out of it as much as possible. But he heard from her again when the public brought her into the picture and she wanted to set the record straight and he agreed that she should, he didn’t mind it. But once all of it felt resolved he just crashed. 

He stopped talking to you around the second week of June because he just didn’t have the energy. But you had been kind and checked in, assuring him he didn’t need to answer, but you just wanted to encourage him a bit. It meant the world to him that you understood to keep doing that, but still giving him the space he needed to get through this. For months now he had allowed himself to feel it, like you told him he needed to do. And god, it hurt…it hurt so much, but it was relieving to have felt it all. The sadness had faded seemingly very suddenly, he just woke up one day and didn’t feel hopeless. He missed you though, he wanted to see you so badly but he had no idea when too soon was “too soon”. 

Y/N:

This popped up on my pinterest feed! IT’S YOU! Lololol. I laughed so hard and it’s so, so cute. I hope today is better 💛

Harry’s head knocked back as he laughed at the little image on his screen. It really was him and the fact that even the text said “Feel it all” was extremely fateful. He smiled and “hearted” the message before setting his phone down on the counter and turned to go make himself some coffee. Seconds later he came back and unlocked his phone and texted his assistant to book him a one-way ticket to LA for next week.

****************

Y/N POV:

Your summer had been very nice so far. You genuinely were not worried about Harry in the slightest, you knew that healing took time and he knew well that you’d be waiting whenever he was ready. After seeing the way things worked out after the MET, you had a restored sense of hope in fate and the universe, so you let it be. For the time being you were having a lot of fun in the studio working on some new things. You were also spending a lot of time with friends and with Ricky too. You guys were just enjoying what you had going on. It wasn’t a routine at all, your hookups were sporadic and spontaneous, like now…

“Oh fuck yes, right there!” You mewled as his long fingers prodded into your g-spot as his thumb glided over your clit over and over at the perfect pace.

“Shhh…” he chuckled as he looked around briefly. You were in a hidden little nook at the studio. Everyone had gone for lunch but someone could always come in at any moment. “Look so fucking pretty today. You wore it for me, didn’t you?” He mumbled against your lips and you smiled.

“F'ourse.” You panted and then inhaled sharply as your walls fluttered around his fingers as your orgasm neared. It always took longer for you to come standing, so you’d been there a while. “I’m getting close…fuck, faster!” You implored and he listened and started pumping his fingers faster until your legs were trembling. Your head knocked back against the wall and you huffed out a laugh at the thud, but it wasn’t enough to deter you from coming.

“Come for me, Y/N.”

“Yeah, jus’don’t stop…don’t stop…oh my god, I’m coming!” Your moan broke through your throat and he brought his other hand over your mouth to mute your sounds. Your arms hugged around him to keep yourself upright as your knees went weak and shook at the waves of pleasure coursing through you. Your walls were pulsing rapidly around his fingers as you rode it out. He removed his hand from your mouth as you started panting and wrapped it around your waist while his fingers continued fucking into you slowly to help you ease off of your climax. You angled up and kissed his lips before smiling giddily, your eyes all sparkly and heavy with lust.

“Y’good now?” He asked with a grin after a minute or two and you nodded.

“Yeah.” You confirmed and he let go of you and pulled out his fingers before sucking them clean. 

He tugged your skirt back down to where it was before your little romp session. Your lips met eagerly for several moments, smearing together and connecting fervently. As much as you wanted to, you couldn’t return the favor now, there wasn’t time. So you kissed him to show your gratitude for his immediate attention to your obvious need. 

“So after the afternoon session do you want t-” you paused when you thought you heard a door close.

“What’s-”

“Shhh.” You shushed him quickly and he froze as you definitely heard some movement in the control room. 

“Maybe they’re just grabbing something?” He whispered and you both stayed quiet trying to hear anything else, whoever it was wasn’t leaving.

“Where’s my underwear?” You asked him and he patted at his pocket and then glanced around to find that they had not stayed in his pocket.

“I think they fell out of my pocket in the live room somewhere.” He said and you groaned quietly. He peeked out a bit and saw them near the large amp you’d been sitting on before you moved into this little nook. “They fell out near the amp.” He said regretfully and you swore your brain melted from how embarrassed you were. If anyone walked into the live room they would surely see them. And then the worst thing that could happen did, you both heard the soft creak of the door to the live room opening.

“Shit!” You whispered and decided to just get out there. Maybe you could grab them before they even noticed and hurry out to the bathroom and Ricky would just stay hidden until the coast was clear. “OK, I’m gonna grab them. Just stay until I come get you.” You whispered and he nodded. You exhaled shakily and then stepped out of your little corner only see Harry Styles himself stop as he approached the piano bench, thankfully on the other side of the room. He smiled wide as soon as he saw you.

“Surprise!” He exclaimed through a chuckle and you reared back a bit, at least to kick your panties behind the amp so he wouldn’t see them on the floor. “Why are you backing away, come here!” He chuckled and you glanced down quickly to see they were hidden enough before hurrying over to him.

“W-what’re you doing here?” You asked him with a smile as he sighed and hugged around you and then squeezed a bit tighter. You were completely flustered now and distracted and he could feel the weirdness you were exuding as you cut your hug short.

“I just wanted to surprise you.” He explained and you nodded.

“That’s really sweet of you.” You said and he chuckled as he took you in for a moment.

“Are you OK?” He asked and you nodded quickly.

“Of course!”

“Are you sure? I mean, I know I kind of just showed up but I was expecting a little more enthusiasm form you after not seeing each other for months.” He chuckled and then the next worst thing happened, Ricky’s phone started ringing. Of course he had to have Patrick Star saying “Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee” as his ringtone. Your face fell into your hands in absolute mortification as Harry burst into laughter at the very random interruption, “Is that your ringtone?” He gasped through his laugh and you shook your head, still hiding your face in your hands. “Oh. Then…” he sighed and you glanced up at him, “Oh…” he said more quietly and you exhaled.

“Ummm, Ricky it’s fine. It’s Harry.” You said and he stepped out from the little hidden corner seconds later. He looked between you and Harry with painfully embarrassed smile. But he inhaled sharply and pushed the feelings aside.

“Hello Harry, I’m Ricky.” He said extending his hand out and you winced.

“Mmmm, maybe don’t do that right now.” You said softly and he glanced down at his hand and then pulled it back once he realized that he had just used that same hand to finger fuck you.

“Right, ummm…”

“Just, come here.” You said as you went behind him and gabbed his arms to corral him out of the studio and to the bathrooms. “And you, stay here please.” You called back at Harry who just nodded, still quite shocked at what he’d walked into and moments later you had emerged into the hall and exhaled shakily.

“Oh god, that was bad! That was so bad!” He panted nervously.

“I know! Fuck…”

“Did you get your underwear.”

“No! He was already in there, I just kicked them behind the amp.” You explained. “Look, I ummm, I think I need to talk to him alone for a little. Just go wash up and let everyone know to take another thirty or so?”

“Yeah, OK.” He nodded and then chuckled, “I’m sorry to put you in this position.”

“It’s fine, I was the one that was too impatient to wait until after.” You reminded and he chuckled.

“True…” he mused with a grin, “Ummm, well you go deal with that and I’ll go stall everyone a little.”

“Thank you.” You breathed out and then inhaled slowly.

“Hey, it’s gonna be fine. OK?” He smiled and you nodded with your bottom lip bitten beneath your front teeth out of nerves, you needed to take it out on something, “Go on.” He insisted and you turned around and headed back into the studio. When you entered the control room and looked out the large window into the live room Harry glanced back at you from his seat on the piano bench. You headed back in a bit timidly and he smiled at you.

“You alright?”

“Yeah! Sorry about that, it just…happened.” You explained bashfully and he nodded.

“Yeah, I get that.” He smiled, “S’good to put a face to the name.”

“Oh yeah…” you hummed and shook your head again. Harry chuckled and reached for your hand before hesitating.

“Is your hand clean?” He asked before grabbing it and you chuckled but nodded. “OK.” He hummed and stood before grabbing both of your hands and running his thumbs over your knuckles. “I’m fine.” He assured you, “Well…maybe fuming inside…just a little…” he confessed.

“Don’t worry, it was just that, not sex, m’not that crazy.”

“And I wonder whose idea that was, you little exhibitionist.” You teased and you shook your head as you giggled.

“Either way, ummm I am happy you’re here.” You said, “So can we have a do over?” You asked and he chuckled.

“Of course.” He said and released your hands before wrapping them around your shoulders and pulling you in. You hugged around him and leaned into him.

“I’m really happy to see you. Missed you.” 

“Me too.”

“So what made you come out here?” You asked and he pulled back a bit, his hands grabbed your face gently.

“The froggy picture.” He admitted and you laughed and he bit his lip as he watched you laugh. You were so pretty, he was glad he saved seeing you again for the first time for this face to face encounter.

“When I saw that little cardigan on him I just about died.” You recalled, giggled at the memory. “It’s so cute.”

“Yeah, it was cute.” He agreed, “You look so pretty today.” He complimented.

“Thanks. You too.” You hummed and he chuckled.

“Mmm…particularly like you in this skirt. Though it is a bit skimpy…” he pointed out and you smiled.

“Yeah, s’quite short.” You agreed.

“Then you might be…” he reached down and hooked on his index finger was your underwear, “needing these back.” He hummed and you felt your face heating in embarrassment as you glanced over to them and then to him. He was smirking and you reached for them and he raised them out of your reach. “Mmm…just a little higher, love.” 

“If I reach any higher my ass will show.” You laughed and he did as well.

“So unprofessional…” he mumbled and you rolled your eyes before looking deep into his eyes pleadingly.

“Please.” You insisted, “Would love it if I didn’t flash anyone at work today.” You said and he chuckled and lowered them so that you could reach for them but then pulled them away from you. 

“May I?” He asked and you bit your lip. He smirked at your response, “I’ll take that as a yes.” He hummed and stepped forwards, effectively backing you up until you bumped into the piano, the higher keys at the end clanked discordantly as your weight pressed them down and your gazes met as you both sniggered in amusement at the happy little accident. The sound seemed to reverberate forever, that’s how tense it was between you two. He crouched down and spread them out for you, allowing you to step into them as he stood and pulled them up your legs and finally over your center. He really tried his best not to look or lean in when he got them up to your pussy. He knew you were wet, but it was not from what he had walked in on, it was all for him. It probably had been all along, he didn’t want to assume, but he hoped. He really hoped. “There you are.” He hummed as his fingers fixed the straps along your hips, tugging on them a bit to straighten them out.

“Thank you.” You said softly.

“Of course.” He smiled as he fixed your skirt again and placed his hands on your hips. You suddenly smiled even wider and he giggled, “What’s that cute little smile about, then?”

“Nothing. Just thinking that you’ve never… I don’t think you’ve ever done that before?” You shrugged.

“Mmm…surely I have.” He mused, his face scrunching a bit in thought, “Or not…maybe not…” he decided a few seconds later. “I’m glad I was clever enough to pull it off.”

“Oh yeah, that was…a moment.”

“Core memory?” He smirked.

“Oh yeah, core memory.” You smiled and just hugged him again and he hummed happily, “You’re staying, right?”

“Yeah, if you want me to.” He mumbled and you pulled back.

“Yeah, of course. Could use some of your expertise. A little Styles sparkle.” You flirted.

“I like that!” He chuckled, “M’stealing it.”

“Okay.” You giggled. “Caitlyn’s friend, Melissa, from the pilates studio? Well she’s my friend too kinda, but more Cait’s. Either way, she’s having a little pool party with cocktails. It’s a casual thing. If you wanna come, I’m sure we’ll end up ordering in.”

“Oh yeah, that sounds nice.” He smiled. “I-is Ricky coming?” He asked.

“Ummm, maybe? If you don’t mind?” He shook his head and you squinted your eyes suspiciously.

“I swear.” He chuckled.

“OK.” You said softly. You let each other go and then grabbed your phone from a music stand a few feet away. 

“Have you eaten?” He asked

“Nope.”

“Want to go pick something up together?” He asked and you nodded.

“Sure.” You said and soon you were heading off to the closest thing before heading back to the studio with your food.

It was nice sitting with him while you two ate and talked casually about your music and what you wanted out of it. You were trying to find the words to describe what you wanted this project to be and what you wanted it to evoke. You missed talking to him about this kind of thing. Harry just had a real gift for expressing everything he was trying to express when he made his music. And at the moment, you felt like your vision just wasn’t cohesive, or at least you felt that way.

“…I don’t know, I’m a bit lost on this process, I guess.” You decided finally when you started bouncing between ideas, “I don’t even know why I wanted to do an album anymore…” you confessed with some sadness.

“What initially pushed you to decide?”

“I think seeing you, the weird things with Seb…I mean, I just feel kind of like things have taken a twist I didn’t expect. And I’m just…lost. I feel lost, even though I shouldn’t be. I feel like what I need to do next in life is kinda a no brainer, but-”

“A no brainer to who?” He asked and you shrugged, “Everyone I guess. But I also feel…like…I’m in a glass house.” You said and he hummed, “I feel like everything right now is really fragile right now. With my heart and my head…with this album, I know that it’s been a while so I need t-to deliver, I mean obviously. And then w-with us too.” You explained and he hummed, “I just don’t even know where to start to be honest. And I think…that shows in the music. It’s going to be a big, fat flop.” You chuckled sadly, “I can just feel it. It’s murky…”

“I mean, you always know what I think. At the end of the day you have to like what you produced. And you have to be proud of it. I get that we do this for a living, but it’s also our entire heart and mind in those songs. All the things we’ve dealt with during this time, the joys the sorrows…I mean, that’s what we’re putting out there for everyone to judge and feeling like it doesn’t make sense anymore can be scary. But honestly, things don’t make sense for a lot people out there, and hearing that just might help them feel not so shitty about it.” He said and you hummed.

“Is it crazy that I really want to embrace another sound? I don’t even know what it falls under, but I just want it to sound exactly how I hear it in my brain.” You explained, “Like…” you paused and chuckled, “there are lines I wrote while I was like at the grocery store or stuck in traffic, and like I can only hear them in that setting. Like just to show how banal my life is, you know? Like, I want to put in the beep of the check out machine in or staticky radio chatter about the heat wave, my alarm going off in the morning, the chirp of the fire alarm I haven’t changed…I was thinking of maybe putting in some like voice notes between the tracks, like texts with friends, or little things I make to remember what I need to buy at the store. Like I want it to be like a day through my perspective I guess…almost like the music is narrating a routine?” You explained and he nodded and smiled.

“I think that’s really cool.” He said and you bit your lip.

“It’s not too…messy and chaotic?”

“No, it is for sure, the layering is going to be insane.” He said and you chuckled and nodded, “But it’s a cool concept. Like basically if your life was a kind of like a musical.” He said and your eyes widened.

“Exactly.” You sighed and smiled, “Wow…who knew a word for that already existed.” You chuckled and he did as well, “I was struggling for a while there trying to describe what I wanted. Thank you!” You said and he chuckled.

“Happy to help.”

When everyone returned you shared a more clear idea of what it was that you wanted. You wanted things to be a little odd but as real as possible. This helped your producers and sound engineers adjust what they were doing a bit to make editing easier on themselves. At some point Harry was at the help of the control panel, pressing buttons and raising and lowering settings, asking you to go again.

“Hey man, how about in that bit there where she ends the bridge, she does the final chorus in an octave lower and we fade it out from studio into the raw audio. I believe this is one of the songs where the demo is from her voice notes.” Ricky suggested and Harry smiled.

“Yeah actually, that’s sick.” He nodded and then he told you what Ricky was thinking. “He says we can layer them and blend it, so just try the chorus in a lower octave and the rest will be done via editing.” He instructed and gave him a thumbs up before running it again. 

After another couple of hours of working, your day was coming to an end. Everyone started cleaning up after themselves and you invited Ricky to Melissa’s place and soon he was heading off and assuring you he’d be there later. Harry was chatting with one of the other sound engineers, Billy, as you looked around the space one final time to ensure you weren’t leaving anything behind for the night.

“I was just telling Harry that now what you were asking of us makes a lot more sense.” Billy said and you chuckled.

“See. I wasn’t crazy!”  

“Yeah… it’s gonna be cool, what you’re doing.”

“Thank you. I think so too. I mean, I know I enjoy those kinds of things when I listen to music, so I hope others like it as well.”

“Oh yeah, people are suckers for that.” He smiled, “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Billy said to you, “And it was nice to meet you.” He said to Harry, “Will you be joining us again?”

“Ummm…” Harry said as he glanced over to you.

“Well, you’re always welcome. You know that.” You said to him and he smiled.

“Then I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said and Billy chuckled. You guys exchanged a few more words before Billy headed out.

“So where are you staying?” You asked as you put things into your tote bag.

“Not sure yet. I don’t know how long I’m staying for, so I didn’t want to book a hotel indefinitely, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that.” You hummed, “Well if you need a place to crash for a bit I’ve got an extra room. Caitlyn already claimed one room.” You said and he chuckled.

“Of course she has…” he grinned and you smiled, “Well yeah, if it’s no bother. And like, I know that I came for you-”

“That’s what she said.” You slipped in and he laughed and rolled his eyes as you giggled.

“Real funny…now, I know that I came here to see you, but I’d also understand if you didn’t want me in your house.” He chuckled.

“I’d love you in my house.” You said and he smiled.

“Then let’s get going.” He responded and you grinned.

*****************

“Welcome!” You chirped as you opened the back door to let Harry in with his big ass suitcase.

“Thanks.” He chuckled.

“Do you remember where my room is?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well yours is the one right beside it.” You said and he nodded and took off. You put your bag down to wash the tumbler you used for your coffee that morning. And after that you headed off to get changed. When you passed by Harry was just stripping off his pants and you turned away quickly before rushing into your room. You first got your shirt off and then got your make up off. You’d be swimming anyway, so it was pointless to have it on. Once you got done with that you went to pick out a bathing suit which you quickly changed into. You were throwing your skirt back on when Harry announced himself. “What’s up?” You asked and he came over to your closet.

“Nothing, just wondering what was taking you so long.”

“Oh, sorry. I was taking off my makeup. Let me just grab a shirt.” You said and just grabbed the first one within reach and threw it on. You slid your feet into your sandals and then tugged at his shirt as you breezed past him. “Let’s go.”

“Hey…hey, hey, hey come here.” He said reaching around you and stopping you as you giggled.

“What?” You asked him and he just hugged you and released a long exhale. You smiled and rubbed over his back softly, fingers dancing across his shirt as you held him for a little while. 

“I’m really happy to be here.” He spoke quietly.

“Oh me too, H. I missed you a lot. It was getting hard not to hear from you.” You spoke softly before tiptoeing and kissing low on his cheek. His lips twitched up in a little smile and you ran your thumb over his bottom lip. He kissed the pad of your thumb a couple times before letting you go and grabbing your face, pulling you in closer to him.

“Can I?” He asked and you nodded quickly. 

Just a moment later his lips were pushing and pulling against your own slowly in a deep and emotional kiss. It was nostalgic and magical; your body felt alive and tingly all over. Moreover, the raw emotion of the tension finally bursting was overwhelming in the best way. It felt like you had just jumped into a cool pool on a hot summer’s day. You were so in the moment that you forgot to breathe, so you suddenly pulled back to do so. And his mouth chased after yours, pecking around your lips as you inhaled sharply. When your eyes blinked open and met his, you smiled and his cheeks went all warm and pink. Suddenly you were transported back to the time when you had kissed for the very first time. He was smiling then too, relieved to have kissed you. And you were in mental shambles as you relished in what had just happened. It felt like the beginning again. He started to pull back and you arched up and kissed him again.

“Not yet.” You whispered and he sighed and pulled you closer. His thumbs stroked over your cheeks as your lips met over and over again in soft little pecks in between deep kisses. Your noses nuzzled against each other for a few seconds.

“D’you wanna drive?”

“Yeah, sure.” You smiled and were heading off a few minutes later.

****************

Harry was actually having a nice time at this pool party/dinner thing. He was glad he had come because he needed the distraction. He was afraid of the conversation he was going to have with you about polyamory and how he believed that he fit under this category. He was nervous because of how this had impacted his previous relationship. He had spent the past couple months talking to his therapist every couple of weeks on the phone to help him through the depression and grief of his relationship. His therapist mentioned that a friend of hers is a sex therapist and she asked him if he would be interested in having her come sit in on a few of their sessions and then take the lead for a few about this new discovery he had made about himself and he agreed and he would be meeting her for the first time the following day.

He had also been keeping a keen eye on the interactions between you and Ricky. Ricky and him kept making awkward eye contact and he was acting really relaxed with you. He figured it was because Ricky was a bit intimidated or still feeling weird about him walking in on you guys. Either way, Harry was being more of a spectator for now.

“Hey, what’s the matter?” You asked as you came up to him after emerging from the pool.

“Nothing, just watching everyone. Thinking…”

“About?”

“Me. You. Us…” he said as he made space on the big chaise lounge he was on. 

He patted the space beside him and you climbed on, legs crossed as you faced him and you extended your hand out towards his and just grazed your fingers over his own discreetly before pulling away. This little gesture transported Harry back to your fifth date. He remembered it so clearly, you guys had gone out to eat and even though you had a private dinging area, he still wouldn’t hold your hand because he was worried that someone might see and then it would all get out and things would surely go to shit. He remembered because he did that same gesture to you that you’d just done to him. Just a feather of a touch to ease your need and want to be closer to him in that moment. 

“Did you feel…invalidated when we were together?” He asked, seemingly out of the blue and you hummed pensively. “Like not seen or maybe…less important than you were to me?”

“Maybe a little bit at the start but it went away quickly. I knew it was because of the band and all those crazy rules they had for you guys.” You said and he nodded, “But after all that ended I was expecting you to change a little bit? Lax up about being together in public and things like that.” You explained, “I didn’t feel like you hid us because I wasn’t good enough for you. I know all that was sort of a deal breaker for you then, so I just went along with it because I mean, I hadn’t dated anyone with your level of fame before. I just figured you knew the best way to deal and go about that.” You shrugged and he hummed.

“What you did just now, touched my hand?” He said and you nodded, urging him to continue, “I did that to you, on our fifth date. You just wanted to hold my hand over the table top at the restaurant.” He chuckled sadly, “And I wouldn’t. Do you remember?” 

“Vaguely.”

“We were in some tiny little private dining room…” he reminded you.

“Oh yeah…” you hummed.

“I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“That.” He said and you hummed. “I wish I had been braver. And I feel the same now. I think if I had listened to other people and been more open and braver about the things I think or feel sometimes then maybe I wouldn’t be so carelessly hurtful towards others.”

“You’re not a hurtful person, H. At least not intentionally. You have concerns and fears and doubts like everyone else and sometimes that can affect how you relate to and interact with others. But I mean, you dealt with things the best way you knew how at the time, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then, good. You did your best to protect what we had and I trusted you and your approach. I don’t hold it against you.” You said and he nodded.

“So just now then, you didn’t do that because you’re like…conditioned to be unaffectionate towards me in public?” He asked and you smiled and shook your head.

“No, it was just a little reassuring thing.”

“Okay.” He smiled, “You can, by the way. I want to hold your hand.” He said as he reached for yours resting flat over your thigh.

“Oh, like right now?” 

“Yeah. Can I?” He asked.

“Yeah, if you want to.” You smiled.

“Do you want me to though?”

“Yeah!” You laughed a bit and he smiled and pulled your hand into the small space between your bodies. His fingers intertwined with yours and you smiled up at him.

The one thing that you kept feeling was eager anticipation. You loved Harry at the core of who he was and every part of him that you’d known and experienced over the years. The prospect of getting to know him again, this version of him that you were the most unfamiliar with, it was exciting. Even just being around him you felt in tune, on the same wave length as him. When your gazes met you felt curiosity and interest in understanding what was going on in his brain in a far deeper way than before. You’d happily spend the rest of your days learning about him and loving who he was now and who he would become over time. You smiled to yourself as you thought of him in 10-15 years, with you. Happy, fulfilled, it was making you emotional.

“Hey, what’s on your mind?” He asked softly.

“You.” You responded, you didn’t mean for it to come out as a whisper, but it did. You were just so in your head now as you gave thought to all of this. To all of him.

“What about me? You seem like you’re about to cry.” He said lowly with a bit of concern.

“They’d be happy tears then.” You assured him and he smiled. “Was just thinking about you, how far you’ve come. Well, the both of us, and how I’m jus so excited t-to get to know you again. And just thinking about the future, like…what we can have. Like…we’re different than…five years ago, you know?”

“Yeah, a little more grown up.” He smiled.

“A lot more grown up.” You chuckled, “And I think it could only get better the older we get.” You said and he smiled.

“It will.” He said decisively, “I’m also excited about getting to know you in a deeper way again.” He said and you smiled as a comfortable silence took over for a minute or so. But then he spoke up again, “Honestly, I don’t think there’s a reality in which I wouldn’t be in love with you.” He confessed with a bashful smile and your gaze softened as it met his own, “I mean that.”

“I know. I feel the same way.” You responded, your heart was pounding so hard you felt it in your throat. 

Harry just smiled and let his thumb smooth over your knuckles as you just looked at each other. His eyes flickered between your own, taking in every possible detail. He loved how the sun streaks showed off the pattern of your irises. He loved how you looked back at him with so much adoration. He wanted everything with you. He couldn’t even contain the fluttering feeling in his tummy as he thought about you when you had a baby with him and looked at them the way you were looking at him now. With love, acceptance, pride, and every other good feeling and intention you could muster up.

“I need you to know that we’re making it this time.” He whispered and you nodded.

“Yeah we are.” You whispered back with a smile.

*********************

You were quite nervous as you made it back from the studio the next day. You’d had a great and productive day and you hoped Harry had too. You were feeling a vast range of emotions as you tried to picture where the conversation would end up. Especially after the intimate things you had told each other the evening before. You had even called your mom on your lunch break to just get all the irrational, anxiety inducing things off of your chest. She was excited for the possibility of you and Harry working things out after all this time. She and your father loved how he looked after you and were very supportive of your relationship with him back then and it was no different now, he and his family had left a really great impression on them. And your family on his, you still spoke to Anne and Gemma and a few of his cousins for birthdays and little things like that. Obviously, you kept a respectful distance, especially since he dated quite quickly after, but you had grown to love the people in his life too. 

“Hello?” You spoke out into the car when you answered his incoming call.

“Hey, love. Just checking if I can open any of the wine bottles you have? Or are some special?”

“Nah, have at it.” You assured him.

“Perfect. Are you close by?”

“Yeah, about 10 minutes away.”

“Great! See you soon.” He hummed, “Be safe.”

“Thanks, H.” You hummed and he hung up.

*****************

As soon as you made it inside you were greeted with an absolutely divine aroma and “Always Alright” by Alabama Shakes was playing from the kitchen. You bopped your head along as you pushed the door back and it landed into the frame with a loud thump.

“I’m home!” You called out as you toed out of your sneakers and just as you were about to make it to the living room Harry was coming to the entrance with a glass of wine for you in hand. 

“Hey, how was it today?”

“Good, we wrapped up the ones that might be the singles so it was a productive day.” You said with a smiled as you guys hugged briefly and kissed cheeks.

“That’s great.” He hummed as he handed over the glass and you thanked him softly before taking a sip.

“Mmmm.” Your eyebrows perked up as the sour and crisp wine tingled on your tongue. “Which one did you open?” You only had three bottles of white wines as it wasn’t your favorite variety. So the flavors of it were not as obvious to you.

“The chablis.” 

“Oh…good choice.” You complimented and he smiled.

“Yeah?” You nodded and he hummed. “Well c’mon then.” He said and you followed after him to the kitchen.

“How was your day?” You asked.

“Also quite productive. I found two potential places, so there’s that.”

“And in therapy?”

“Really good too.” He smiled and you nodded.

“Good. I’m glad.” You hummed, “Do you need my help with anything?”

“No, just sit. Wanna plate it all nice for you.” He said and you smiled.

“Wow, thank you.” 

“Of course.” He smiled as he plated up the baby potato and veg mix on the plate and then he lifted the sheet of tin foil placed over the pan on the stove, “They had some really great sea bass fillets at Erewhon. I couldn’t resist.” He hummed.

“How much did they cost you?” You asked with a grin and he chuckled.

“I’m not ready to talk about it.” He mumbled with a smirk and you giggled. “Here you are love.” He said handing you a plate and you grabbed it quickly.

“Wow, so beautiful.” You complimented, “The skin is so crisp.” You slightly moaned as you ran your fork over it. “I’m so excited to eat this.” You praised him and bit down on your lip in excitement. Harry grinned bashfully as he served up his own plate and soon he was settling in beside you and then you guys started eating. You made some light conversation and hummed to the music playing in the background of your conversation while you guys ate your dinner. Everything was so delicious you even went in for another helping of the veggies. “Wow…this is may be on of the best things I’ve eaten in a long time.” You said in satisfaction. “The fish was so buttery. It just melted in your mouth…damn.” You smiled, “You did so good! I’m so impressed.” You chuckled.

“Yeah?” He smiled as he reached for your hand and you nodded again. “Glad you liked it. Got the recipe from Shellie.” He said and you hummed.

“Ooh nice. She’s a good cook.” You recalled and he nodded.

“And I made some cereal milk panna cotta for desert. Should be set by now.”

“Ooh, fancy!” You chirped with excitement. You washed the remaining dishes as he brought out the panna cottas and then headed over to your patio, he balanced the little ramekins in one hand as he unlatched the glass door and slid it open and stepped outside. You dried your hands and grabbed your glasses of wine as you headed over as well and cozied into one of the seats outside.

“So?” You asked and he smiled at you.

“So…I think that I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I am probably polyamorous.” He explained and you nodded in understanding.

“Okay and what does that…look like for you?” You asked him.

“Ummm…for me it’s largely about the fact that I can connect romantically with multiple people simultaneously. I have felt it before but just thought of it as like a crush…because I had never fully fallen in love with any of those people or just stopped myself from talking to them more because I was already seeing someone. And I mean, to me, you’re the biggest love of my life. And when we didn’t work I just…I wanted to feel that way again and so I searched for it and I did fall in love with Olivia and Taylor all w-while being in love with you the entire time. I see now that I buried what I felt for you, but it was never gone.” He explained and you nodded in understanding, “I told Taylor once that she wasn’t competing with you for my love, that I loved you and loved her in your own unique ways. D-does that make sense to you?”

“Yeah, H. It does.” You assured as you dipped into your panna cotta and he hummed ‘good’ before he did the same. You sat silently for a little bit, watching the sun starting to move closer and closer to the horizon.

“And say, what if we get married and somewhere along the way I…fall in love with someone else? Can you accept that?” He asked and you shrugged.

“I can tell you that I can right now…but I mean, maybe that will change if we get married or have kids or something…” you said with all honesty. “But I mean, i-if that’s how it is then I’d expect to have boundaries or rules for what’s acceptable if we’re the married ones.”

“Yeah, I get that.” He nodded, “So, my therapist brought in a friend of hers, a sex therapist, t-to talk about this with me. To answer any questions and to help prep me for this talk I wanted to have with you.” He explained and you nodded urging him to go on, “So poly people can have different types of relationships and she was explaining them to me to see what resonated with me the most and I think a hierarchal approach or a polyfidelity approach is more in line with me.” He explained and you nodded.

“Okay, so what does that mean?”

“So in the hierarchal one the main relationship is the priority. So say we started a relationship, to me that would be my main relationship. If I met anyone who I was interested in I would run that by you. Like we would work out what any other potential partners would have access to together. And polyfidelity can be like, I have two relationships but they’re closed relationships on both ends. And well, it’s not like I’d actively be seeking out someone else to involve in my life, this is just an option in case I meet someone who I develop feelings for. I have no desire to have an open relationships or even sexual or dating relationships with other people just because. I would only want that if I even met anyone that I just had that deep of a connection with.” He explained.

“So like with Taylor…if she was okay with this…what would you prefer or?”

“I would kind of leave that up to her. I think she might have preferred a hierarchal thing though. Where if we were together first then that relationship is the priority and together we could set the boundary for what our relationship would look like. So say she was only fine with us dating and sleeping together when I was in California, then that’s what we would have. I think that a polyfidelity thing would be what I’d prefer in that case. I mean, I know that you guys wouldn’t be sleeping with other people, just me. And I wouldn’t say either one was more important than the other, we wouldn’t even have to do things together, each relationship would be what it is.” He said and you hummed as you gave it some thought.

“Wouldn’t that be…exhausting?” You asked and he chuckled.

“I don’t know…maybe.” He said pensively, “But like…to me, the way Taylor loved me didn’t feel the same as the way you love me, and vise versa. And then the way I loved you both also came out differently. I didn’t feel more for you than her, but it was just different. Does that… make sense to you?” He asked and you nodded.

“Yeah, that’s extremely logical.” You said and he chuckled.

“Are you just saying that?” He questioned skeptically.

“No!” You giggled, “I’m serious. I mean, there’s this quote from Ted Lasso that I really love and that I live by now. The quote is: “All people are different people.” And I mean, it’s so obvious and simple, but it’s something that we forget far too easily. So when you say that the way you felt love from and for us was different, it makes sense. Each person loves differently and has different needs. Our energies are different, you know? Of course it feels different with another person. Each relationship is going to be as unique as the people in it.”

“Right, it’s not like a competition between who I love more.” He said and you nodded.

“Right.” You confirmed and he smiled and then frowned. “What it is?”

“I don’t think I had the proper words to explain this to Taylor when I first told her about you. Maybe if I had more knowledge or simply just accepted and understood this part of myself before I could’ve hurt her less. Like, I’ve apologized and explained and we’ve forgiven each other for any hurt we caused each other, but I just…feel bad for how I affected her.”

“Yeah, of course. That’s understandable. I’m glad you guys got to talk that out eventually though. Is she better now? When was the last time you saw her?”

“Ummm, early June?” He hummed, “She looked so much lighter than when we were together. She was back to her old self and it was hard to see how badly what we had was affecting her.” He explained, “That’s really what pushed me into the depression phase. Just seeing how much better off she was without me. It just…fed my fear that I only hurt the people I love.” He said and you hummed. 

“Do you think that if you’d known this about yourself with certainty before that she would’ve been alright with it?”

“Absolutely not.” He chuckled, “Her concern was that I’d start to love you more than her and like fall out of love with her and just leave her for you.”

“Mmm, well at the risk of sounding like a total dick…isn’t that just what happens when a relationship starts to…fall apart? You start to fall out of love with someone for whatever reason? Like that’s just what can happen to anyone. It’s part of the general risk of being in a relationship, no?” You asked and he chuckled.

“That’s basically what I said to her one time. I just said it less delicately, but it really offended her. But it’s the truth, feelings can change at any time for any number of reasons. And I mean, I did love her, I think I still do a little bit, obviously.” He said and you nodded, “But I’m starting to move past it. See with you I…thought I was moving past it.” He said, “Thought that this whole time. The sex therapist? She was basically saying that in me moving on so quickly, I was just…distracting myself from having to properly move on from you basically. And like…seeing each other again after so long, I mean…it just brought everything up for me again and it almost felt like we had broken up a week before. I missed you terribly and I was constantly thinking about you and Sebastian and I just…I had to say something to Taylor about it.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.” You said and he sighed.

“I guess, I’m still figuring things out in terms of this polyamory thing. But again, I just want to reassure you that I’m not actively seeking another partner, nor am I interested in dating or sleeping with other people at this time. If it happens, it happens, but obviously if it takes away from what we have going together then our relationship would take priority over that. I do believe that we connect in a very special and extraordinary way. I love and miss what we had before, but after seeing you again last year and with the time we’ve spent together already I absolutely cannot wait to see how good we can be together this time around.” He said and you smiled and just got up and climbed into his lap and hugged him tight.

“I love you.” You hummed and he sighed in relief.

“I love you too.” He answered as he hugged your waist tight for a few moments until you pulled back from him to be able to look into his eyes.

“So where do we go from here? What are you comfortable with?” You asked him.

“Well, we don’t have to rush into a relationship. I mean, I know we love each other, but I want to date you. I want to reacquaint myself with you and fall in love with the you, you are now all over again.” He said and you smiled a bit, “I also want to make sure that I’m not using us a distraction to finish moving on from Taylor.” He said and you nodded.

“Yeah, of course.” You agreed, “I mean, if you still have feelings for her do you think that maybe you might want to keep that door open?” You asked him and he shook his head.

“Yeah, she’s not on board with the polyamory thing at all. It just wouldn’t work for her.”

“Right…right.” You said and he nodded.

“Ummm baby, I have to ask because I can’t stop thinking about it.” He sighed and you nodded, “Wh-what’s the situation with Ricky?” He asked, evidently he was a bit nervous about asking you, you could see it in his eyes.

“It’s still just a friends with benefits thing. We don’t really hook up on the regular, like it’s not a planned, routine thing we do. It’s more opportunistic.” You explained.

“So the other day was like a fluke, basically?”

“For sure. I would never normally do something like that, especially while we’re in a professional setting.” You explained, “But I was just a little more…needy than usual.” You chuckled.

“Mmm, I see. I only ask because if I’m gonna stay here for a bit, like I just don’t want to make you guys feel weird if he’s like constantly around or staying over too.” He explained. “Like we kept making awkward eye contact yesterday at the pool party thing and like…yeah. I’m not…like it’s not a jealousy thing. I’m not jealous of him.” He said quickly.

“Just fuming inside a little?” You teased, repeating his words from the other day at the studio.

“Yeah, just a bit.” He chuckled, “Still.” He confessed.

“Don’t. To answer your question more seriously, Ricky doesn’t stay overnight here. Ever. And I don’t stay overnight at his either. We literally do the most to not blur any lines even more than they already are.” You explained.

“So you just…fuck and go?” He asked.

“It’s not that transactional.” You chuckled. “It’s usually after we’ve gone out with friends or just hung out together. And if we both want to hook up we do and then we go our separate ways.” You explained. “We really don’t do sleepovers or even like lovey-dovey things like cuddles or holding hands. It’s just the sexual favors bit. Like we might lay around for a bit, but we just talk, we don’t like…hold each other and…bask in the afterglow.” You said with a giggle and he nodded.

“And it doesn’t feel….empty? Without the soft bits?” He asked you more seriously.

“Of course it does.” You smiled a bit sadly, “I think it does for the both of us. He’s hung up on someone else and well…same.” You said and he smiled and nodded, “So we just hook up when we’re both feeling in the mood for it. So we really are friends first and the benefits are there when needed.” You explained and he nodded in understanding.

“So if it’s one of those times when you guys talk afterwards, like is it feedback about the sex or just random conversation?” He asked.

“Just conversations. Like sometimes we talk about the people we miss and things about them. We talk about how we’re feeling afterwards, like sometimes when that post-coital haze is lifted you just get so sad, you know? So we talk about that and try and figure out why we might feel sad. We talk about what the point of all of it is…I think we’ve achieved a rather deep level of friendship from this.” You said pensively.

“And you don’t like him even just a little bit?” He asked you.

“I mean, of course I do. I hook up with him, don’t I?” You chuckled and he did as well, “But it’s very surface level. We did talk about that one time, about what would happen if we ended up together. We both decided it would be a no-go.” You chuckled, “He’s just so…unworried and unbothered by everything. Doesn’t really plan or anything and well, you know how that drives me crazy. Especially with the job we have.” You said and he chuckled and nodded. “I’m definitely more balanced with my time now than I was before but it’s because I’ve been able to schedule and plan and whatnot. Like he’s kind of the type to get bored on a Tuesday and drive down to TJ with a friend or his sister because they want tacos from Taconazo. Like, I don’t have the same freedom to just do things on a whim without it throwing a bunch of things out of whack for myself.”

“Right.” He hummed, “So you…like him? Like you’re into him?” He asked and you looked at him quite perplexed, “Like in the way you like me?” He clarified.

“Are you asking if I like him more than you? Or are you asking if I…like him and you? Simultaneously.” You asked and he nodded. “I mean, I do like you both, but not in the same way as you do. Like, I definitely like you more, I mean, I love you, you know? I wouldn’t be able to love you and him. I would have to choose.” You said and he smiled.

“And you’d choose me.” He said quite confidently and you rolled your lips into each other to prevent your lips from widening in a grin as you shrugged. “Baby.” He pressed more seriously and you giggled.

“I mean…”

“Say it then.” He smiled smugly.

“Why? If you already know?” You asked.

“Because. I want to hear you say it for me.” He insisted. “Tell me you’d choose me. Every single time.” He hummed with a smile and you grabbed his face tenderly and leaned in until your lips were pressed together. 

Harry hummed in satisfaction as his hands slid down your waist and to your hips. His thumbs gently kneaded at the pudgy part of your hips. You giggled when it tickled you a bit and he chuckled before sucking on your bottom lip a bit. Your eyes fluttered open and met his lustful gaze. You could feel him hardening up beneath you as he leaned back in for a hungry kiss. Your lips moved sloppily, it was all tongue and heavy breathing as your slid down and held at the side of his neck. His hands were groping at your butt now, smoothing his big warm palms over them, helping you grind over him and feel his obvious need for you. You pulled back and pecked his lips a few times before taking a proper breath.

“I choose you, baby.” You confirmed quietly between the two of you. He looked into your eyes, his lust was evident.

“It would be wise to stop, wouldn’t it?” He asked and you giggled and nodded before kissing him a few more times and hugging him tight. After a few moments you pulled back and smiled at him and he bit his lip and reached around the back of your neck and pulled you down and kissed you deeply once more.

…. A FEW WEEKS LATER ….

It was your birthday and you were having fun so far at the little dinner party you had thrown yourself at your place. You felt pretty in the short black linen dress you’d chosen for yourself. You were nursing a cocktail as you chatted with those who had already arrived, you were waiting for a few more people, including Harry. You had hired on a private chef to take care of dinner tonight so that you could enjoy with everyone, after all, you only turn thirty once.

“So when did Harry move out of here?”

“A few weeks ago? He only stayed about a week. He was able to find himself a decent sized house really quickly. It was furnished, so it was rather convenient, it’s cute.” You smiled as you shared this with Melissa who nodded.

“That’s great!”

“Yeah.” You smiled in agreement.

“Sooo…any progress?” she asked with an expecting look.

“We’re not talking about that.” You said to her and she sighed in some disappointment.

“Fine.” She said with a smile. You appreciated that she didn’t push any further.

In truth, you and Harry had been mostly seeing each other at the studio after he left your house. You had both been scared into keeping things extremely platonic after that dinner he had prepared for you when you guys talked about your future. You had said you were going to take it slow and ended up half naked on your bed just about to initiate sex when you asked him to stop in a panic. The entire week he stayed with you the sexual tension was completely overboard, but you both knew it was for the best to not get involved with each other like that yet. So it was quite a big relief to you both when he left and you only saw each other at the studio. This would be his first time back at your place after he left so you were a little bit nervous in all honestly, which is why you had refused taking a shot three times already, you needed to be fully sober in order to not act impulsively.

“Harry!” You heard Caitlyn greet him excitedly from inside. You straightened up a bit and sucked a bit more of your drink though the straw. “Harry’s here!” Caitlyn announced as she led him out and everyone greeted him happily as he approached you and you smiled and stood to hug him.

“Happy birthday.” He hummed as he squeezed you tightly, “Welcome to thirty.” He said as he pulled back and you smiled.

“Thank you.” You chuckled.

“You look beautiful.” He said more quietly, his compliment slightly drowned out by everyone’s chatter.

“Oh, thank you.” You said as you glanced down at your dress quickly and then back into his eyes. He licked over his lips as he scanned over your face and then smiled bashfully when he realized he’d been caught.

“Sorry.” He hummed and you smiled.

“It’s alright. Ummm, have a seat.” You said gesturing to the table and well, the only spots available were at the further end of the table.

“You can sit here, Harry. I actually need to talk to Ben.” Melissa said as she stood up and headed further down the table.

“May I?” Harry asked and you nodded.

“Of course.” You agreed and he sat there. It’d been two or three days since you’d spoken, you were busy finalizing everything with the party and Harry had therapy and some catching up to do with other friends he had in the area.

“So, how’s it been planning all this?”

“A little stressful, but I think it ended up well.” You smiled and he nodded.

“Yeah, it looks really nice. S’a simple, little thing. I like that.” He said and you nodded.

“Yeah, thank you.”

“I ummm, I got you something that I want to show you later, I-if I can hang out a little after everyone goes.”

“Oh okay.” You nodded and he smiled. Your curiosity was piqued and all throughout the evening you kept thinking back on this and wondering what it could be. 

You were having a nice time with everyone, you guys were playing games and sharing stories. You had a delicious, fresh peach pie instead of a cake and everyone seemed so delighted with that choice. The chef really knocked it out of the park with that one. Afterwards, there was a bit of karaoke but when it hit 10:30 you guys started to wind down as to not disturb your neighbors. Slowly, your friends started to head out one by one, congratulating you once more on your birthday and you were thanking them for coming as you walked them out to their cars. Harry, Caitlyn, Ricky, and Melissa had stayed inside talking a bit more but you suspected that they were also getting ready to go, well except Harry. You guys hung around a bit more, the glances between you and Harry were nothing short of obvious and frequent, so being the one person to read the room, Ricky suddenly stood up.

“Well, it’s almost 11:30, we should go.” He said as he stretched his arms above his head a bit and once they got his hint, Caitlyn and Melissa stood as well. You and Harry followed them to the door and you all said your goodbyes. “Don’t be scared of falling.” Ricky mumbled quietly against the side of your head and you squeezed him tighter.

“Thank you for everything. Love you, I appreciate you.” You mumbled.

“Me too.” He chuckled before you kissed cheeks and he was hurrying after Melissa and Caitlyn down the little path. 

You and Harry followed after them and waved them off before you locked the gate as Harry made his way back to the house. You felt nervous around him for some reason, like his energy was too great to allow you to breathe, or maybe that was the alcohol…you’d had three cocktails which was already a bit much for you by this point and you were convinced your friends made your last one a double without your permission. Regardless, you were smiling at him while he watched you come up.

“What’s wrong?” He asked and you shook your head.

“You’re making me nervous.” You chuckled.

“What? Why?”

“This mystery gift thing!” You scoffed as you guys made it inside and he locked up behind you.

“Yeah alright, fair.” He smiled as you headed to the kitchen.

“Want some water?” You asked as you headed into the kitchen.

“Please. Benny made the last drinks a double and that awful taste is not leaving my mouth.” He confessed with a slight grimace.

“I knew it!” You gasped and he chuckled, “They were trying to get me to do shots before you arrived.” You said and he chuckled.

“Well good thing you declined. You really don’t want a hangover at thirty.” He laughed and you did as well and soon you were both having a bit of water and then he sighed.

“Okay, well it’s two things.” He said and you nodded, “First gift is this…” he said pulling his phone out and after several moments of waiting, he looked back to you, “You should check your email. The personal one.” He said and you nibbled on you lip and went to grab your phone that was on the other side of the kitchen counter. You open up your email account and saw the link to a ticket and when you opened it up your free hand flew over your mouth and your eyes welled up.

“No…but th-these sold out in like five minutes!” You gasped in surprise at the Joni Mitchell ticket waiting to be accepted by you.

“I’m her friend.” He said simply and you shook your head in disbelief. 

She was playing two dates at the Hollywood Bowl and despite your best efforts during the sale in February, they sold out in moments. It was a bittersweet thing, seeing artists that were such icons and legends performing what would surely be some of their last shows ever. Being able to make it to things like this made for priceless memories and well, you grew up with Joni Mitchell, like Harry did, and you both loved her. It was one of the things that you both had in common and made friends over when you first started talking, so she meant a lot to the both you. “We’ve got a private box. We’re right up near the front so we can see it all!” He said excitedly, “And we get to meet her beforehand, if you want.” He said and you set your phone down and shook your head in disbelief.

“This is extraordinarily thoughtful, H.” You said with a wide smile.

“Our first concert out in the open. No fear, no worries, just us.” He said and you hurried over to him and hugged him tight.

“This is honestly so amazing.” You sighed as you squeezed him tight and he kissed the top of your head. “I can’t wait to do this with you.” You said happily.

“Me either. It’s going to be so good.” He said with certainty and you nodded against his chest before pulling back and peering up at him.

“Can I kiss you?” You asked him and he chuckled.

“Always.” He hummed and you laughed and tip-toed a bit more and your lips met in a sweet and chaste kiss.

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” You gave him another kiss with each ‘thank you’ and he was a smiley and blushing mess before you. “My parents are going to die when they hear about this.”

“Well, part two…they’re coming as well.” He said and you pulled away.

“No.”

“Yeah!” He laughed happily and you shook your head.

“Harry.”

“I swear it. Your mum and dad, and my mum and her boyfriend. A proper date night. Though the meeting bit is just for us two.” He added and you were crying now, it seemed something ridiculous, but it was a full circle moment.

“This is so nice of you.” You whispered as you hugged him again.

“Hey, look at me, my love.” He hummed and you glanced up at him, “It’s not just a concert, you know? I want to do this with you and with our parents t-to also show them that it’s not just a for fun thing. This is about the future. Our future.” He said and you nodded. 

“Thank you.” You whispered, “I’m gonna kiss you for real now.” You said and he chuckled.

“Yeah, do it. Please.” He insisted and you chuckled.

Your lips were soon colliding gently and moving in an improvised but effortless dance together. You relaxed in his arms, you loved the warmth of his hands around your waist and then traveling down to your hips as he held you tight. It was a feat as challenging as the greek mythological quests trying to keep your composure around him. Everything just felt so easy and right when you were together, it always had. But now it was even stronger than before, you could feel the love emanating from him as you held each other and kissed passionately.

“Baby,” he mumbled, “can I…say something?” He asked and you nodded and pulled back from the kiss but he chased after you and kissed you deeply again before also keep the distance so he could speak properly. “I know we said no more jumping into things with people but you’re not just anyone, you know?” He said and you smiled a bit, “The love I have for you has been here the whole time. I’m not burying the hurt by wanting to be with you, it’s not like that with you, you know that.” He said and you nodded, “I want to be with you. I want to a relationship with you. I don’t want to wait anymore, I’ve already wasted so much time.” He said and you caressed his cheek with your thumb, “And I…I see the woman you’ve become. How you’ve grown and blossomed so beautifully-”

“You too!” You sniffled and he smiled.

“Thank you.” He chuckled, “But ummm…I don’t want to miss out on this. On you. It’s different with you, you know that.” He said, “Let’s do this again. Be my girlfriend, please?” He asked and you laughed happily and kissed him.

“Yeah. I will.” You whispered against his lips.

“You will what?” He asked with a grin and kissed you a few times, awaiting your response.

“I’ll be your girlfriend.” You said breathlessly with a smile. 

Harry was beaming and his hand came around the back of your neck, holding you gently as he dipped down and you kissed once again. He was slower this time, but the intensity was still at all time high. You felt your lust for him simmering steadily, nearly ready to bubble over into a boil with whatever move he’d make next. Your skin was tingling, excited to feel his touch once again.

“Can I take you to your room?” He asked, his lips gently smearing against your cheek as he spoke and then kissed you there.

“Yes.” You confirmed and he found your hand and led you through your house until you were bursting through the door and he was kissing you ardently as you walked backwards into the dim, cool room. His hands slid down your waist and landed over your backside, he caressed over it and gave your cheeks a light squeeze.

“I miss being able to do that.” He chuckled and you laughed a bit. You weren’t as thin as the people he had dated lately, so there was a little more to grab onto. You didn’t mind it, you were happy with yourself and you knew you were healthy, so you didn’t feel bad or find a need to even compare and it was relieving to you that he felt the same. “You’re exquisite. You know that right?” He asked and you smiled timidly at his compliment.

“How about you show me show exquisite you are first.” You suggested and he chuckled and was quick to take a step back and pull off his shirt, not even bothering with the buttons. 

Like a moth to a flame, you were right up against him again, kissing down his neck lightly. Trying not to smile too much as you traveled down to his pecs and the smattering of hair between them tickled your nose a little as you smooshed a kiss over his sternum. Your hands slid up his abs, you could feel his tummy flex a bit from the tickles your light touches were causing. You continued sliding it up until your index finger was hooking into the chain of his trusty pendant with the Jesus and penis charms. You tugged it down a bit before arching up into him and kissing him again. His hands slid up your back, his fingers feeling around for the pull on the zipper for your dress. 

“It’s on the right side.” You guided him and he was quick to take his hands there and slid it down. 

Harry helped the straps off of your shoulders, planting kisses on each shoulder blade before letting the dress drop down to the floor. You weren’t wearing a bra with it as the neckline was a bit strange, but he didn’t seem to mind that one bit. He groaned at the sight of your breasts bare before him and he immediately brought his hands up to them and kneaded them gently in his big, warm palms. You sighed in relief and glanced up at him and he seemed to have snapped. He grabbed you by the waist and pulled you towards your bed. He sat and pulled you onto his lap in a straddling position and kissed you urgently. His tongue met yours sloppily before he started to kiss down your jaw, then your neck and finally he reached your chest. You arched your back in as he gently sucked on your collar bone and then skimmed his lips down to your right breast before parting them and latching around your nipple, effectively hardening it in a second. You moaned in relief as his blunt nails dug into your back as he started sucking more fervently.

“Yes! That’s so good.” You whimpered as he moaned around you. You peered down, looking at his gorgeously hollowed our cheeks as he sucked and nibbled at your tender little bud before popping off and moving to the other one. He payed it just as much attention, letting you whimper and whine as he went a little harder on you. Your fingers scratched against his scalp and you chuckled as he pulled back, nipple still in his mouth until it inevitably slipped out with a soft popping sound. He buried himself in the crook of your neck and inhaled and then exhaled, sounding relieved.

“I missed the scent of you and your perfume. I’d forgotten how good it is.” He said softly.

“I do too. Even had the same body wash you use for a while.” You said and he pulled away and smiled up at you.

“Yeah, baby?” You nodded.

“I’m never gonna forget again.” He told you with certainty and you smiled and caressed his cheek with the back of your hand. He leaned into your touch and let his eyes close for a moment.

“I’ve imagined this moment so many times.” You whispered and his eyes fluttered open and met yours. He smiled softly, peering up at you with so much love it made your insides flutter. 

“I have too.” He whispered back and kissed your lips quickly. “Hold on tight.” He said and you did and he stood and then had you on the bed as he laid over you.

He started to kiss down your body, you were already so wet for him, but knowing what was coming next practically had your legs trembling preemptively and your walls fluttering in excitement. He didn’t waste time or tease you at all, he needed this as badly as you needed it. He was quick to pull your underwear down your legs and toss it aside as he slid further down, parting your legs so that he could fit between them. He kissed down your mound and up your thighs before he nuzzled right up against your center, his stubble tickling your sensitive skin. You would normally want to be clean shaven if you knew someone was going down on you, just out of convenience, but you knew he didn’t care about that. He groaned happily at your scent and the softness of you against his lips as he puckered them up a bit and kissed at you a little bit, each time nuzzling a bit deeper until he brushed against your clit and you bit your lip in anticipation. 

“Fuck H, please. Please.” You begged and he let go of all the restraint he had inside of him and just let his tongue roll out as he spread your legs further so that he could lap up from your dripping entrance to your clit. He flicked over it a little bit before giving it heavier licks until you were pushing him closer and moaning in pleasure. Your hips were writhing up against his mouth and he moved with you, loving how you were losing yourself in this moment. He then started to gently suck around you as he sensed your growing need. You were soaking wet, making a right mess of his chin and you were obsessed with how he was using his mouth. He’s always been eager to please this was excellent. Clearly, he was well aware of what he could do now and it was amazing, “Fuck baby, that’s so good!” You gasped as he slurped on you until your legs were tensing up as your pleasure started to escalate further and further until they started to tremble. He was incessant, your chest almost burned from how shallow you were breathing, and in seconds you were inhaling sharply and moaning melodiously as your orgasm hit you. “Oh, I’m coming!” You mewled and held him against you as he licked you through it, mumbling about how good you tasted and how much he missed it. He didn’t even warn you when you felt his index finger rubbing at your sopping entrance.

“Can I?”

“Yeah, do it. Please.” You hummed and he gently pushed it inside. He moaned along with you, you were wet enough for another, so he pulled it out and then sunk back in along with his middle finger. His long fingers reached deep into you and rubbed against your walls, going deeper and deeper with each plunge until he had gone deep enough to reach into the soft spongy spot inside of you that had you crying out his name. He kissed up your stomach, waist, chest, and neck all to reach your lips again and breathe in your exhales of pleasure.

“Fuck baby, you’re so tight and warm f’me.” He hummed into your mouth and you nodded, “So good for me.” He muttered and you smiled against his lips. 

Your hands slid down his bare torso and reached down to feel his erection straining against his pants. You rubbed into it, using the heel of your palm to add a bit more pressure. His jaw tensed as he inhaled shakily through his nostrils. You started to rub at him in a matching pace to his fingers sinking into you. You wanted to feel him inside of you desperately. 

“Harry. Baby, I need you.” You whimpered and he nodded and kissed you hard before retreating from you. 

He got off of the bed and reached for his belt buckle, his desperation and eagerness coming through in the form of his shaky hands. He soon got it undone and pulled it out before getting to the button and zipper on them and he tugged them down along with his underwear. He stepped out of them and quickly climbed back over your naked body. Feeling your warmth together like this was something that he’d been thinking of constantly since he’d seen you the year before. He was eager to be close to you in this way and finally, he had it.

“I have condoms in the bathroom, but I also have an IUD.” You informed him and he licked over his lips as his eyes met yours.

“D-do you mind if I go bare? Want to feel you so bad, want to fill you up, want you to feel it all.” He said and you kissed him as you shook your head.

“I don’t mind.” You assured him.

“Sure?”

“Yeah.” You nodded and he kissed you once more, slower this time.

“I’ve only been waiting to have you again for…years?” He chuckled and you did too, “This might be over a little fast. But I assure you, I have far more in me. A couple rounds worth so-”

“It’s fine. Did you not see how fast I came?” You giggled.

“True.” He chuckled and tucked your hair behind your ear, “God, you’re so beautiful.” He complimented. His voice was soft and genuine and the love in his eyes made you feel faint. You leaned up and kissed him.

“I love you.” 

“I love you.” He whispered against your lips. Your kiss deepened and naturally, things started to progress. You pressed your body up into his, feeling his erection laying heavy between the two of you. You raised your hips up to feel it brushing up against your sticky folds and he sighed in relief at the slick warmth that his cock was up against now. “Fuck, put me inside, baby.” He said to you and you angled your up hips up a little bit more and guided him to your entranced. His thick tip prodded at your weepy, little hole, teasing at the entrance. You writhed around, trying to get him inside and he smiled, “That feels so nice.” He said and you smiled, “So wet for me, baby. All for me, isn’t it?”

“Yes, baby. S’all for you.” You confirmed through a needy exhale and he kissed you again and then propelled his weight further forward until there was enough pressure against you that he sunk inside and you gasped in relief as he moaned into your mouth. 

“Fuuuuck.” he moaned as he bottomed out and you whimpered as you felt so full. You swore he was in your lower tummy, he was bigger than you remembered. You recalled that he loved a little bite of pain, so when he wriggled a bit and sunk in a bit further you winced and dug your fingernails into his back. He made the most delicious sound, it made you feral and he started to thrust in slowly but achingly deep, it was making your thoughts completely blank. “You feel so good, baby. Fuck, you’re so good, my love.” He panted in pleasure.

You were covered in goosebumps, relishing in the feeling of intimacy with Harry. With the love of you life. Everything suddenly felt right with the world. Your back was arching because each and every time he was thrusting in, he was hitting a spot that made you feel like you would soon levitate. Your hands roamed the skin of his back, feeling his muscles working to bring you both all the pleasure in the world. It was the most harmonious sex of your life, you were both yearning to be closer than you already were. It was absolutely necessary to get closer. 

While still inside, he pinned your hips down with his and knelt up making you gasp in shock as he got even deeper like this. You suddenly felt strung out as he started to pick up his pace, his hips undulated and ground against yours in the most satisfying ways. You were encouraging him, praising him for how well he was fucking you. He was giving everything to you, you could feel it in his movements and in the rising temperature between the two of you. Damp skin and filthy wet sounds from the place where your bodies were connecting perfectly. You could feel your orgasm starting to build again so you slipped your hand between your bodies and started to rub precise circles into your clit and he moaned.

“Oh, that’s it, baby. Rub your little clit for me, want you come for me.” He encouraged you and you sped up a little more, “Look at me. Please, look at me.” He panted and your eyes slowly blinked open and met his. He smiled softly and pressed his forehead to yours, his gaze burning into you, making you feel like the only other person in the world. “Fuck, it feels so good with you. You feel so good.” He groaned and you whimpered as you started to reach the peak.

“I’m so close, baby!” You warned and he nodded.

“Come for me, love. Let me feel you coming so hard on my cock.” He egged you on and you suddenly felt warm all over as you started to come undone. Everything inside of you was singing beautifully. You felt like you were burning bright, like a dying star, you were crashing and burning, it was a spectacle to behold. “That’s it, baby. That’s so fucking good, fuck you feel so good, love.” He praised you with a smile, “S’gonna make me come…fuck, you’re gonna make me come.” He grunted.

“Yes, baby. Please come inside me. Please give it to me.” You begged as your orgasm continued thanks to his fast and desperate thrusting into you. His eyes blinked shut and his eyebrows furrowed down as his lips fell open and he let out a low moan, “Oh fuck. Fuck, m’gonna fill up your little pussy. Fuck! Oh fuck, Y/n…fuck yeah, baby.” He sighed and then buried himself as deep as he could go and you gasped as you felt his cock twitching inside of you as he painted your insides with his generous load of cum. He was still for a few seconds before grabbing your hair and tugging you up so that he could kiss you. Your lips met sloppily as he started to thrust gently into you. Your abs were burning and your legs were shaking as he continued fucking into you slow, milking every drop of his sperm into you. “I love you. Loveyousomuch.” He slurred against your mouth.

After a few moments you had both settled down, trying your best to catch your breaths as you basked in the warmth, holding each other close. Your fingers scratched at his scalp gently, it felt so nice and relaxing. His lips were kissing at the part of your skin that they could reach while he held you close.

“I’m never letting you go again.” He whispered.

“Good.” You hummed and he smiled.

“This is where I belong. I feel safe with you. I feel seen. I feel…”

“Whole?” You whispered and he nodded.

“Yeah, you make me feel satisfied with myself.” He said and you smiled.

“You make me feel whole too. I love you.”

“I love you.” He hummed, “Forever.” He added with a smile.

.... THE END ....

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[rubberfuckey]

summary: After a worried phone call from Wheezie, you decide to come back to Kildare.

wc: 1.3k

a/n: This is set right after season three, let's pretend the time skip in the show doesn't exist (: This is my first post since 2020! Let me know what y'all think <3333 part two??? ;)

Eyes snapping open and with a rush of panic, you try to locate your piercingly loud phone tangled in the sheets somewhere next to you. Who the fuck would be calling me at whatever ungodly hour it is? Finally finding it, you damn near blind yourself with how bright it is and how unadjusted your eyes are. Squinting, too tired and agitated to read it, you swipe to answer the call like muscle memory. 

“Hello?” you huff.

“I’m sorry I know it’s late… but I have a favor to ask.”

“Wheeze? What’s going on? Are you okay?” Hearing her voice sits you straight up in your bed, she has never called this late or has ever asked of anything from you.

“I’m okay, kind of. I’m alive. It’s not me I’m worried about.”

“Wheezie-”

“I know,” she cuts you off, “nevermind it was stupid anyways.”

“No, Wheezie, talk to me.”

“It’s just, Rafe,” you flinch at hearing his name, “I’m scared. I’ve never seen him like this before. We know he’s already a pretty angry guy, but this is something different.”

You sit there quietly listening. You left Kildare a year ago, after a nasty breakup with Rafe and trying to break apart the unhealthy codependency you both developed. You transferred to a different state college but you always stayed in touch with Wheezie. Before you and Rafe went wrong, you were close with both his sisters and promised to stay in contact with the young girl you watched grow throughout your time with Rafe. No one knew of course, you and Rafe were completely no contact- opting to block his number after one too many heartwrenching voicemails while obviously under the influence of his favorite white powder. 

Sarah hadn’t tried to reach out, but from what Wheeze had mentioned she got herself distracted with a pogue-turned cop killer-who was proved innocent. What a shit show. You knew it all, countless Facetime calls caught you up to speed. You consoled her through the “death” of Sarah, the “death” of her father and what other trauma presented itself. Sometimes it was too much being constantly reminded of your ex, whom you still loved very deeply, but being there for this poor girl trumped how it made you feel. The feeling went both ways, she stopped you from coming back to the island quite a few times when she told you just how bad things have gotten, insisting that she would be okay, when in reality she really just needed a hug from her honorary sister. He was never brought up, you didn’t ask, she didn’t tell. Something in your gut told you it’s just better if you don’t know what had been going on with him. You appreciated her respecting that boundary. 

“The club is hosting some kind of party in Ward’s honor tomorrow. It’s weird, he was supposed to be dead months ago and the island is just now doing something in memory of him. Probably Rose organized it or something, who knows. Anyways,” she stopped and took in a deep breath, “Rose wants us all to be there and speak about him in front of everyone. I went to ask Rafe what he planned on saying to hopefully find some inspiration but he just went on and on about how ‘the pogues killed him on purpose’ and how ‘they have another thing coming to them if they think they’re just going to get away with it’. I’ve seen him mad before, I’ve watched him punch holes through the walls, scream, yell, and cry. But this…” she trails off, inhaling deeply after her fast paced rant. 

You sigh, not knowing what to say, “Give me some time to get a bag packed and get on the road, and I’ll be there.”

“I’m sorry, I wouldn’t bother you with his dramatics if I didn’t think it was important.”

“Hey, don’t apologize, I’m glad you told me. I’ll be there soon, just keep working on what you want to say. I’ll help you brainstorm tomorrow while I’m driving if you need me to.”

“Thanks, Y/N. You’re seriously the best.”

“Keep your head up Wheeze, get some rest and maybe steer clear of your brother for a little bit.”

After hanging up, you sigh and stare up at your ceiling. Shit.

-

The drive back to the OBX gave you time to think, what would you actually be walking back into? Was his grief manifesting itself into the kind of anger and violence that could be fatal to anyone he saw at fault? You shuddered at the thought. Pulling in to your parent’s driveway, you sent a text to Wheezie telling her you just got in and you’ll meet her at the country club. You could name about a thousand and one places you would rather be than under the same roof as Rafe Cameron for the first time in over a year, but you wanted to pay your respects and be there to support the people that had turned into your bonus family during your 2 year relationship with Rafe. 

“You ready honey?” your mom asks as you slip on your shoes to match the black dress you had chose. 

“As I’ll ever be.” 

The car ride was quiet, your anxiety was palpable as you bit your nails down and bounced your leg uncontrollably. Walking in the familiar doors, all you saw was the looks on people’s faces as they realized you were back on the island and here no less. Pretty much everyone knew who you were, your family’s status not much different from the Cameron’s themselves. You were known as the sweet girl from the affluent family who smiled politely at everyone who looked in your direction and would never hurt a fly. Rafe’s reputation was quite the opposite. When you and Rafe had made your first entrance together at Midsummers at the age of 17, it was the talk of the island. Ignoring the stares and whispers, you held your head high and looked for Wheezie.

Standing next to a huge photo of Ward leant against an easel stood Rafe, watered down whiskey in hand as he blankly looked around at the people in the room. If one more person awkwardly gave him a tight lipped look of sympathy, he was going to lose it. He heard people murmuring and the looks in his direction seemed to increase. Shaking off the feeling like everyone knew something he didn’t, he downed his drink and made his way over to get another. Sofia caught him before he reached the bar and assumed her position under his arm. 

“Maybe slow down on the whiskey?” She meant well, but damn did he need another drink. Looking at her blankly, he kept moving towards the bartender. His father was dead, who gives a fuck how much alcohol his grieving son intakes. Kelce walks into the room from the hallway, looking around frantically, catching sight of Rafe as  he beelines toward him, out of breath. 

“Yo, Rafe, Y/N is here.” 

Rafe nearly chokes on his drink as he looks at Kelce with an unreadable expression, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Y/N, I just saw her walking in with my own two eyes bro.” 

He sets his glass back down and suddenly Sofia was right all along, he needs to slow down on the whiskey if you were really here. He thinks back to the last time he saw you, all the screaming and crying and pleading with you not to leave. Even with the past year's events, he puts losing you at the top of the list of the most painful things he’s ever been through. He understands why you left and couldn’t blame you, but damn did he miss you like you were the air he needed to breathe. You walked in, obviously looking for something or someone as he watched your eyes scan the room until they caught his. He immediately felt nauseous. I’m going to puke, you thought.

part two

[onceuponafosterkid]

Every now and then I am reminded how hard it is being an adult foster youth. I’m only 21, I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. This week was really hard. I got sick on Monday while I was at work, but I have this fear of letting people down so I toughed it out. I got home and I had a fever of 103. I took some Tylenol but I can’t afford groceries right now so I don’t have any cold medicine or anything. I took Tuesday off of work thinking I needed a day to just recover. I mean, I’m working full time, taking three classes one of which is a two and half hour in person class twice a week after work so I thought maybe I was overdoing it right? But I’m pushing myself physically to avoid what’s going on mentally and yes I’m in therapy I know that’s not good but it’s what’s keeping me alive for right now. Anyway I go back to work on Wednesday but I have a cough and a headache and I just don’t feel great but I already took a day off I don’t want to make my boss mad. After work I take an at home Covid test my foster mom gave me and it’s negative, so I go to urgent care because day three of having a fever that’s now reached 103.5 and I don’t know what’s wrong. Urgent care does a Covid test that I know is going to be negative because I just took one, and they send me home. So if they sent me home I must just be overthinking this right? Maybe it’s not that bad. But I can’t work until the fever is gone and nothing is making the fever come down the cough is triggering my asthma so on Friday my foster mom takes me to the ER and there I find out I have pneumonia. They rehydrate me because I have been unable to keep anything down and sweating so much that water does nothing for me, and they give some antibiotics and I’m able to go home while they send meds to the pharmacy and finally I’m feeling like it’ll be okay. But the Walgreens they sent the meds to is closed on weekends, and I’m not supposed to wait until Monday so I call and ask them to send it to a different location which I find out halfway through Saturday the pharmacy is actually closed. So I call back again and ask them to send it down the street to Walmart but then they never call in the meds. So I ask my foster mom to call them for me and ask them to send the meds because it’s almost Sunday and I’m starting to feel like crap again and the fever is gone but I can’t breathe and my inhaler is expired and they were supposed to send a new one. She called and they said they would send them and she said she’d pick them up so I spent today cleaning in preparation for feeling better once I get my meds and once I’m done cleaning I sit on my floor and I start crying because I feel so freaking alone. Which is stupid because my foster mom has been taking care of me this whole time, sending me food and taking me to the ER but I can’t help but feel guilty because it’s not her job anymore to take care of me and she’s got a family at home, six kids counting on her but I don’t have anyone else to go to for help. I’m 21, I’m single, my bio family has left me again and it’s just been a really long week you know? It’s not like I have friends I can’t talk to, I lost them all when the assault at Wendy’s happened so I’m just sitting here fucking crying because I’m tired and it sounds very stupid but I’ve realized that it’s nobody’s job to help me. I’m in this alone and usually I can pretend that doesn’t hurt but not this week, not right now. But that’s just what happens when you age out. You’re alone unless you can find people and apparently I’m not very good at finding other people and I don’t know why. Anyway, I just needed a moment I guess. I feel like 12 year old me sitting outside my cottage at residential wondering if I’ll always be alone. I wish I could tell her the answer is no, but at this point in time I don’t have the answer she needs so for now I’m just crying with her.

[goodnightmemes]

THE HUNGER GAMES (2012) SENTENCE STARTERS

feel free to change pronouns / terms / tense as needed!

❛ It’s okay. You were just dreaming, you were dreaming. ❜

❛ We could do it, you know? Take off. Live in the woods. ❜

❛ They'd catch us. Cut out our tongues or worse. ❜

❛ I'm never having kids. ❜

❛ You need to get out of here. ❜

❛ Shh, I don't have much time. ❜

❛ No matter what you feel, you will be there for her. Do you understand? ❜

❛ Don't cry. Don't. ❜

❛ You're stronger than they are. You are. ❜

❛ They just want a good show. That's all they want. ❜

❛ You know if you don't want to talk, I understand. But I just don't think there's anything wrong with getting a little bit of help. ❜

❛ Embrace the probability of your imminent death; and know, in your heart, that there's nothing I can do to save you. ❜

❛ Now that's a good way to get killed. ❜

❛ Oh! Joy. Why don't you join us? I'm just giving some life-saving advice. ❜

❛ Give me a chance to wake up sweetheart. ❜

❛ That is mahogany! ❜

❛ You really wanna know how to stay alive? You get people to like you. Oh! Not what you were expecting. ❜

❛ Some water, a knife or even some matches can mean the difference between life and death. ❜

❛ That was one of the bravest things I've ever seen. ❜

❛ I'm sorry that this happened to you. And I'm here to help you in any way I can. ❜

❛ I'm gonna do something that they're gonna remember. ❜

❛ We are all anybody's going to be talking about! ❜

❛ Exposure can kill as easily as a knife. ❜

❛ They can be arrogant. And arrogance can be a big problem. ❜

❛ I hear you can shoot. ❜

❛ I have no chance of winning. None! ❜

❛ Those guys are looking at you like you're a meal. ❜

❛ I think you have a shadow. ❜

❛ Make sure they remember you. ❜

❛ Thank you, for your consideration. ❜

❛ You realize that your actions reflect badly on all of us, not just you. ❜

❛ I hope you noticed, we have a serious situation. ❜

❛ Loosen your corset and have a drink. ❜

❛ I would have given anything to see it. ❜

❛ I thought they hated me. ❜

❛ They must have liked your guts. ❜

❛ Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear. ❜

❛ A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. Spark is fine, as long as it's contained. ❜

❛ Don't you know how beautiful you look? ❜

❛ I don't know how to make people like me. How do you make people like you? ❜

❛ Just be yourself. I'll be there the whole time, and just pretend you're talking to me. ❜

❛ I think someone here is a little nervous. ❜

❛ So, tell me. Is there a special girl back home? ❜

❛ Well, that's bad luck. ❜

❛ What the hell was that?! You don't talk to me and then you say you have a crush on me? ❜

❛ He made me look weak. ❜

❛ He made you look desirable. Which in your case, can't hurt sweetheart! ❜

❛ We are not star-crossed lovers. ❜

❛ Manners! ❜

❛ Can't sleep? ❜

❛ I just don’t want them to change me. ❜

❛ I just don't wanna be another piece in their game, you know? ❜

❛ I just keep wishing I could think of a way to show them that they don't own me. ❜

❛ If I'm gonna die, I wanna still be me. ❜

❛ I'm not allowed to bet, but if I could I'd bet on you. ❜

❛ You sure she went this way? ❜

❛ Are you sure we shouldn't just kill him now? ❜

❛ Let's just wait her out. ❜

❛ Run! Damn it. Go! ❜

❛ Get out of here! What're you doing? Go! ❜

❛ Don't just sit there! Look at me! ❜

❛ It's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you. ❜

❛ How long was I asleep? ❜

❛ So what happened when I was out? ❜

❛ Is all that true? You and him. ❜

❛ That sounds tempting. ❜

❛ We need a signal, in case one of us gets held up. ❜

❛ We're gonna be okay. ❜

❛ I wanna see if she's gonna figure out this booby trap. ❜

❛ It's okay. You're okay. You're alright. ❜

❛ You have to win. ❜

❛ Can you sing? ❜

❛ Don't kill her. You'd just create a martyr. ❜

❛ I know you know how to handle a mob, you've done it before. ❜

❛ If you can't scare them. Give them something to root for. ❜

❛ Everyone likes an underdog. ❜

❛ There are lots of underdogs. And I think if you could see them, you would root for them either. ❜

❛ I like you, be careful. ❜

❛ It's bad, huh? ❜

❛ I'm not gonna leave you! I'm not gonna do that. ❜

❛ We'll figure something out. ❜

❛ You feel hot. ❜

❛ I remember the first time I saw you. ❜

❛ Well, say something. ❜

❛ I'm not good at saying something. ❜

❛ You're not going alone. ❜

❛ You're not gonna risk your life for me. I'm not gonna let you. ❜

❛ You would do it for me, wouldn't you? ❜

❛ Now there's no way I'm letting you go. ❜

❛ Please. Stay. ❜

❛ It's too bad that you couldn't help your little friend. ❜

❛ Well, we killed her. And now, we're gonna kill you. ❜

❛ You shouldn't have gone. You said you weren't gonna go. ❜

❛ We could go home. ❜

❛ We should probably hunt around here. We don't have any food left. ❜

❛ That's nightlock! You'd be dead in a minute! ❜

❛ You scared me to death. Damn you. ❜

❛ I never even knew she was following me. ❜

❛ Go on. I'm dead anyway. I always was, right? I didn't know that until now. ❜

❛ I can still do it. One more kill. It's the only thing I know how to do. ❜

❛ One of us has to die. They have to have their victor. ❜

❛ Trust me. ❜

❛ They're not happy with you. ❜

❛ Well, I'm sorry it didn't go the way they planned. You know I'm not very happy with them either. ❜

❛ This is serious. Not just for you. They don't take these things lightly. ❜

❛ When they ask, you say you couldn't help yourself. ❜

❛ So what happens when we get back? ❜

❛ I guess we try to forget. ❜

❛ I don't wanna forget. ❜

[fairyniceyeah]

🌹💙 Time (Hajoon Series Part 8)

Part 1: Angel Part 2: Nauseous Part 3: Eclipse Part 4: Take Me Down Part 5: Sorry Part 6: Alive Part 7: Sour

Summary: Is it the last time I hold your hand?

CW: low self-esteem

If it’s the last time

I’ll hold your hand in mine

“Hajoon?”, Woosung asked, his voice full of confusion and disbelief, “the fuck is this?”

Hajoon froze in the doorway, his jacket still half on. The other members were gathered in the kitchen. Dojoon and Jaehyeong were sitting at their kitchen table, their expressions unreadable. Woosung was standing behind them, holding an official looking letter with a familiar logo. Likely his results – if he was accepted for college again. They were supposed to arrive today after all.

Why had the others opened his mail? Hajoon was enraged. They had no right! With more force than necessary he ripped his jacket off and stalked towards Woosung to grab the paper. He wanted to do it right, not have them find out accidentally. He didn’t want them to think he was a bad drummer and a coward.

“Why are you going through my mail?”, he asked, resentful. Separated from Hajoon by the table Woosung was easily able to hold it out of his reach. Wasn’t he allowed grace?

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault”, Jaehyeong said quietly, not meeting Hajoon’s eyes. “I was confused why you got mail from an university. So, since Leo and I thought that didn’t match up and they probably put on a wrong address on the letter we wanted to see if we could find out the real owner.”

“It never crossed your mind that I might get mail?”, Hajoon asked in disbelief.

“No, we didn’t think you would get mail from an university. You didn’t say you considered studying again”, Dojoon explained.

“What confuses me even more”, Woosung added, still looking perplexed, “why does it say you were accepted for a full-time study? You don’t have time for that with our work. We’ll be outside of Seoul too often. Besides how do you think you will have time to study and do band-practice, song-writing and other stuff at the same time? Why didn’t you talk to us about options? You’re our drummer, we need you.”

The ’until we find a replacement’ was implied. So the cat was out of the bag. Maybe they would appreciate honesty, would be glad that he took the first step to leave. It would have to happen sooner or later anyway.

“I really hope you find a different drummer soon. I quit. The documents from the lawyer should arrive within the week anyway”, Hajoon spat. For a moment he felt satisfied at seeing the shock on all their faces.

Remembering our highs

It’s hard to say goodbye

But the hidden happiness behind fake-sad faces he had expected didn’t happen. Jaehyeong’s face turned into a heart-broken expression, a soft breath escaping him. Dojoon was frowning, like he didn’t understand anything he had been told. But it was Woosung who looked the worst. The leader had turned deathly pale and was clutching the table hard as if he was scared of fainting, the paper scrunched up in his fingers.

“What?”, Woosung asked softly, eyes impossibly wide.

“I quit. I’m done”, Hajoon repeated, trying and failing not to cry. Tears distorted his sight. He didn’t understand. He hadn’t wanted to keep hurting the members with his presence in the band. Why were they so sad? Was it just bad timing? What was he missing?

“You’re joking, right? This is just a joke. Tell us that you are joking”, Dojoon said weakly, desperately, “this isn’t funny, Joon-ah.”

“It’s not a joke, Dojoon-ssi”, Hajoon choked out, “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending I don’t know. I’m done.”

“But … but why? Pretend what? Hajoon-ah, why?”, Jaehyeong asked between sobs, “we can’t be The Rose without you.” He looked like he wanted to say more but he was overwhelmed by his choked crying. Dojoon placed a hand on his back, looking like he was just acting out of instinct not because he was very present.

When was the last time

We laughed until we cried

“We should probably sit down and talk”, Hajoon said, already dreading the conversation. Something wasn’t adding up. Why weren’t they rejoicing? Hadn’t he done what they wanted? But he had heard them – they wanted him to leave.

“Yeah, let’s do that”, Woosung agreed, still pale. He rubbed Jaehyeong’s shoulder for a moment then walked around the table to sit down in his chair next to Hajoon. The drummer hesitantly slumped down, glad he wasn’t sitting across the crying maknae. He didn’t think he could stand seeing him sad any second longer.

“What is this all about, Joon-ah?”, Dojoon asked, reaching over as if he wanted to take Hajoon’s hand in his. Hajoon flinched away.

“I … I know I’m the superfluous member of The Rose, the least liked member”, Hajoon started haltingly. He didn’t want to sob his way through the explanation. “I know you don’t want me around and I’m easily replaceable. Black Roses wouldn’t mind if I left and I’m sure with a new drummer who doesn’t keep fucking up you can reach new highs. I know you’ve been looking for a new drummer. I’m sorry for the inconvenience of leaving now but I don’t think I can stay here any longer. I love you and I know leaving is the best thing I can do for you.”

This is the last time

Closing scene to your story

As he finished, he looked up again. Jaehyeong had his hands in front of his mouth, sobbing. Dojoon was leaning forward, resting his head in his hands and his elbows on the table. They both looked the picture of defeat.

Hajoon dared to look to his lea… - former leader - and it hurt. Woosung looked like he had seen a ghost, tears trailing down his face and hands trembling. As if sensing his gaze Woosung looked up into Hajoon’s eyes. Hajoon didn’t think he had ever seen anybody look so sad.

“Baby”, Woosung whispered finally, “where did you get all of this from? We never … we … we knew something was going on. But this? Hajoon-ah, we love you so much and I don’t think any of us would want to be The Rose without you. We need you, not just as a drummer, because we need you. Our loveable true maknae who keeps telling bad jokes and is obsessed with One Piece. The amazing man who grew with us by our side, who we all go to talk our problems through and who is the reason we are even popular. Without you, without your skills, we …” Woosung broke off, crying.

“Woosung-ssi?”, Hajoon asked, unsure and feeling completely out of balance. This was not what he had expected. Was Woosung really saying the truth?

“It’s hyung, Hajoon-ah”, Woosung whispered, “fuck, I never even noticed how you just kept addressing us in formal speech for weeks. I thought you were teasing but ... Is this why? You thought you needed to speak formally to us because …” Woosung was unable to finish the sentence, say the words. You thought we hated you.

Hajoon nodded. But he was still so unsure of himself.

“But I heard you talking about how I made so many mistakes that night after the concert some time ago, that it couldn’t go on with me? That I was weird. And I understand, I am a liability if I keep making mistakes. I can understand if you want to kick me out and replace me with somebody better…”

I’ll miss you endlessly

Hope we meet again someday smiling like before

Hajoon was interrupted by Dojoon, who stood up and walked around the table to kneel down beside the younger.

“Joon-ah, you overheard but you misunderstood. I’m sorry. We were so worried for you that night. You made so many mistakes and you were so out of it after the concert. We tried to figure out what was going on with you because we love you. We wanted you to be okay and we never talked about replacing you, we were looking for a way to help you. I promise. We will not replace you, that is just stupid. There is no The Rose without you, angel.”

But Dojoon had been searching for a new drummer, hadn’t he been?

“But … but you were looking for a new drummer, weren’t you?”, Hajoon asked desperately, “Leo, I saw your laptop screen. You were on the drummer forum and chatting with drummers, I saw.”

Perhaps they were all still denying what they had done? Were they ashamed in the face of his tears? Didn’t they find anybody to take his spot and had to content with him for the time being?

“What?”, Dojoon gasped, gripping Hajoon’s hands tightly, “I … Hajoon-ah. It’s your birthday in some time. I was chatting with specialists on what to get you. We all wanted to buy you something really special because we love you and you had been so down all the time. You kept pushing us away and we wanted to show you that we care about you. If we couldn’t help you any other way we thought a nice gesture could show how much we love you. Please believe me!”

It … it made sense. Hajoon felt sick. It made so much sense.

Hajoon slowly nodded.

As he looked around, blinking tears away, he saw that Woosung was watching them. There was so much love in his eyes. Jaehyeong had walked around the table and had folded himself into a kneeling position on the ground, face hidden in Woosung’s lap. The leader was gently stroking his hair.

“So … you really don’t hate me or want me out of the group?”

It was hard for Hajoon to wrap his mind around the facts after weeks of believing the complete opposite.

“But you … you three fit together so perfectly. I don’t know who I am in this band anymore. I always felt so distanced from you – whenever we are on stage for sound checks or something it’s just you three and I barely know what to do with myself. You all seem like one being and I barely get to stand beside you. Whenever I tried I was pushed to the back. And … and in the studio? Why did you want me at band practice when I wasn’t able to play if not to show me a soundtrack is as useful as me and show me anybody else could do my job? Why would you want to me to stay with you when there are so many other people to choose from, people who are better than me?”

Can’t change us

Wanna spend more time beside you

Jaehyeong looked up at Hajoon finally, face blotchy and wet.

“Hajoon-ah, we’re sorry you felt like we didn’t want you or felt pushed away on stage. It’s stressful up there but that is no excuse. Just, you have always been so shy. I remember you saying all those years ago that you were glad to be hid behind your drums. We know you aren’t easily comfortable with new people and are rather shy – our only motivation is to make you feel safe and protected. I’m sorry if that made you feel like you were pushed aside. We will do better from now on and not just assume. You will always be our first choice, I promise.”

Oh. So they were doing it to protect him? A misguided attempt in this case but very sweet. How could he have doubted them?

“And that day at the studio”, Woosung added, “We didn’t handle it well and I am sorry I got angry but I was so worried that you would hurt your hands more and so scared why you would hurt yourself just to play. We actually thought you could try singing more if you wanted to, I had intended to ask you earlier but I forgot. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry”, Hajoon whispered. How had he fucked this up so badly? It was obvious his members cared about him – probably had cared about him. He had basically thrown their kindness in their faces over and over again. “I’m sorry I doubted you.”

“Baby, you were having a really bad time, a really really bad mental health phase. We will never fault you for that. I think I will never forgive myself that I didn’t push when I saw you were hurting. We thought giving you the space you requested might help but that was the wrong move. We never wanted to hurt you. We all love you so much.” Woosung opened his arms. “Let us show you. Can we cuddle?”

Hajoon nodded. He didn’t know how it had happened but soon he was crying into Woosung’s chest on the kitchen floor, Dojoon hugging him from behind and Jaehyeong in Hajoon’s arms. It was by no means comfortable. Elbows were in ribs, knees close to sensitive places. But it was home. The most loved Hajoon had ever felt.

Oh, know the healing won’t be overnight

Countless nights crying over mights

“I really don’t have to leave?”, Hajoon asked hesitantly, hours later when the cuddle pile had moved to the couch as Woosung complained of a backache and Jaehyeong’s feet kept falling asleep. They all felt too raw to let each other go any time soon.

“You will never have to leave”, Jaehyeong confirmed.

Dojoon added: “You’re our Blue Rose, our miracle. Our angel. You will never ever get rid of us.”

“But the contract elimination?”, Hajoon asked hesitantly. The fallout of the months spend in hurt was scaring him.

“I’ll take care of it, baby”, Woosung said firmly, “hyung will take care of everything. Your only job is to heal and to let us spoil you until you can’t stand us anymore.”

There was a lot they would have to talk about in the future but for tonight it was enough.

Smiling like before

Time will heal us

Masterlist links: Fairy's Full Masterlist Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose  

[lovetrouble123]

Twenty One Pilots random lyrics

Use them for prompts or whatever lol

No Phun Intended

“(…)the tears and fears begin to multiply”

“I’m caught under water and I’m falling farther”

“I’m calling my father”

“Am I screaming to an empty sky?”

“Can I understand you?”

“Lights, camera, action, satisfaction”

“(…)just to blow stuff up”

“Lights, camera, stop! We’re killing ourselves”

“Let’s talk about me, and how everyone thinks I’m just so free”

“I want to be alive”

“Today is gone”

“Tomorrows sure to come”

“Here I come again to you”

“Can you wash me/can you drown me?”

“I wanna be stronger”

“Failing miserably, drastically and then I crash dramatically into a wall I’ve hit a hundred times before”

“I still ignore the dark red blood stains on the floor, and I’m back in front of you, Lord, is the blood mine or yours? Don’t wanna do this anymore!”

“(…)his heart is broken all and all this is his call”

“Is there a way for me to grow?”

“They say the ocean’s blue but it’s black right now”

“But come this September…”

“I try so hard”

“Pollution’s in my eyes”

“My disguise will take me, break me”

“My decision for living isn’t mine to decide”

“I won’t take much of Your time”

“It’s as good as I can be”

“This is all I can be”

“Head tilted down, knees on the ground and I will ask, ‘please save me!’”

“I deserve for You to turn away”

“I was ashamed to speak Your name”

“I can’t believe that all You see is that You have covered me gracefully”

“You’re all I’ll ever need”

“(…)in my head, repeat track, of everything you’ve ever said”

“(…)crack the doors to the hallways in my dreams”

“But it seems my hallway keeps closing in on me”

“(…)making me think about you and how you’re gone”

“I know it’s selfish of me to say, but I need to know if you’ve thought of me today”

“I am taken by sleep”

“And somebody told me they saw you cry and break down”

“I tried to live for you”

“I want to be with you when I am weak”

“I failed to live for you”

“People look at him and think that he will live his life so perfectly but what they don’t know, is he wants to die”

“You’re scared when you say you talked to them again today”

“(…)tomorrow’s gone just like yesterday”

“I won’t be afraid”

“I’ll live another day”

“What is wrong with me?”

“Your love is unfair but you will never change”

“Sometimes I live for you”

“Cuz I believe in love”

“I don’t believe loves for me”

“So won’t you come around and prove me wrong?”

“I realize that it’s gone”

“The old man sits all by himself”

“(…)would dream away his fears”

“You walk around like you are fine…so confident in life, so right”

“I would laugh away the pain”

“(…)had to say goodbye as time ran out”

“Sail across the sea, just to find a pearl on the other side”

“All I can do is give you this”

“Have you ever tasted a ray of sun?”

“Fake faith”

“(…)a means to an end and then we die”

“We pretend we have such perfect lives”

“(…) because we love you”

“I seem to close all the windows in my room”

“Just pray someone hears me now”

“I think I saw the kingdom gate”

Self Titled

“I know you’re not a liar”

“Strike me down I am calling your lightning”

“Reign down and destroy me”

“I mean no disrespect, I am simply perplexed by your ways”

“I don’t wanna fall away”

“I disguise and I will lie”

“But I don’t want your way I want mine”

“I’m dying, I’m trying but believe me I’m fine! But I’m lying, I’m so very far from fine.”

“I don’t know if I am dying or living”

“(…)abuse grace”

“Your grandpa died”

“They said he had lost his mind”

“You should never trust the Pantaloon”

“Now it’s your turn to be alone”

“(…)find a wife and build yourself a home”

“You are tired, you are hurt”

“The end can’t come soon enough but is it too soon?”

“Your bones are held together by your nightmares and your frights”

“Hello, we haven’t talked in quite some time”

“I know, I haven’t been the best of sons”

“I haven’t found a drop of You”

“I try desperately to run through the sand as I hold the water in the palm of my hand”

“I’m being dramatic”

“Of course I’ll be here again, see you tomorrow”

“(…)end of my ways as a walking denial”

“My trial was filed as a crazy suicidal head case”

“But you special in dying, you hear me screaming father”

“And I’m lying here just crying, so wash me with your water”

“(…)when did you believe you were alone?”

“Petrified of who you are and who you have become”

“You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone”

“I know you want to leave”

“But friend, please don’t take your life away from me”

“Living like a ghost, you walk by everyone you know”

“Would you let me know your plans tonight?”

“I just won’t let go until we both see the light”

“I will listen to you all day”

“There’s miles of land in front of us, and we’re dying with every step we take”

“But I’ll fall in line”

“Heaven forbid they see you cry”

“I ask myself the question why I fall in line”

“(…)hear a voice inside my head ‘follow me instead’”

“The wages of war will start”

“The emotionless marchers will chant the phrase ‘this lines the only way’”

“I don’t wanna march here anymore”

“I realize this line is dead, so I’ll follow you instead”

“He stays home from work this time”

“He never really told his wife, he never really told a lie. But this time he decides that it’s alright”

“He has fallen in love”

“You’re my pride and joy!”

“I will carry all your names and I will carry all your shame”

“Oh, Ms. Believer, my pretty sleeper/weeper”

“I will tell you I love you”

“We get colder as we grow older”

“You’ve stolen my air catcher”

“I won’t fall in love with falling”

“I think you would beat the moon in a pretty contest”

“But you’ve stolen my air catcher and I don’t think I want it back”

“Cuz I’m not sure if I want to give you tools to destroy my heart”

“Now I’m here to give you words as tools to destroy my heart”

“He wakes up early today, throws on a mask that will alter his face”

“Nobody knows his real name, now he just uses one he saw on a grave”

“He pretends he’s okay but you should see him in bed late at night, he’s petrified”

“Everyone gather around for a show! Watch as this man disappears as we know”

“He thinks that faith might be dead! Nothing kills a man faster than his own head”

“He used to see dreams at night, but now he’s just watching the backs of his eyes”

“Cuz nobody knows he’s alive”

“I wanna crack the door”

“But then I remember when you packed my car. You reached in the back and buckled up your heart for me”

“I began to understand why God died”

“The demon sat there waiting on her porch”

“The breath I saw was not my own”

“You told me to hold this jar. And when I looked inside, I saw it held your heart”

“Either way your by my side, til my dying days”

“Don’t be afraid, we’re going home”

“So the hearse ran out of gas”

“Driving once again, but now this time there were three men”

“‘We had to steal him from his fate, so he could see another day’”

“There were three men up front, all I saw were backs of heads and I asked them ‘am I alive and well, or am I dreaming dead?’”

“Then one turned around to say ‘we’re driving toward the morning sun, where all your blood is washed away and all you did will be undone’”

“The clouds above will hold you”

“Now is the climax to the story”

“And honestly, we’re probably, more suicidal than ever now”

“And He is waiting”

“Your soul knows good and evil, your soul knows both sides”

“It’s time to pick your battle, and I promise you this is mine”

Regional At Best

“Hey, wouldn’t it be great, if we could just lay down and wake up in Slowtown?”

“I wanna go away, cuz things are too fast now”

“There’s a stomach inside my brain”

“I don’t wanna be heard, I wanna be listened to”

“Does it bother anyone else that someone else has your name?”

“I scream, you scream, we all scream cuz we’re terrified”

“We stay in place cuz we don’t wanna lose our minds”

“(…)white flags are hoisted”

“The stomach in my brain throws up onto the page”

“I don’t understand why everything I adore takes a different form when I squint my eyes”

“That’s not what you’re supposed to see”

“My tree houses on fire, and for some reason I smell gas on my hands”

“This is not what I planned…this is not what I had planned!”

“We are all stranger creatures than when we all started out as kids”

“We all have romantic fantasies about what dying truly is”

“I know there’s someone at the door. They called for help, of this I’m sure”

“I’m holding onto what I know”

“And what I know, I must let go”

“We all know somebody who knows somebody who’s doing great”

“Make them stop…make them stop!”

“Because a kitchen sink to you, is not a kitchen sink to me”

“Go away, leave me alone”

“Won’t you go to someone else’s dream?”

“You say things with your mouth, cobwebs and flies come out”

“I hear a second voice behind your tongue somehow”

“So try and love me, and I’ll try and save you”

“Won’t you stay alive? I’ll take you on ride!”

“I will make you believe you are lovely”

“God, hit me straight on”

“I’ve waited all this week, for you to walk my way”

“Your mama painted your room, a shade of pink she said”

“___,take my hand, please lead me to the promised land”

“___,your royalty, in your homeland they all call you queen”

“You’re an angel fallen down, won’t you tell us of the clouds?”

“You’re true and pure…you hold the cure”

“We’re all diseased”

“Tell our dad I’m sorry!”

“I’m scared of my own head”

“Taken for granted, trust is damaged”

“I pass the test with flying colors”

“You are the pearl”

“Then my new father drained by dirty blood”

Vessel

“I’m pleading, ‘please, oh please!’ on my knees repeatedly”

“Take this weapon forged in darkness, some see a pen, I see a harpoon”

“I’ll stay awake cuz the darks not taking prisoners tonight”

“Why am I not scared in the morning? I don’t hear those voice calling…I must’ve kicked them out”

“They told me I was gone”

“Why won’t you let me go?”

“I’m insignificant”

“I will set my soul on fire”

“Metaphorically, I’m a whore, and that’s denial number four!”

“What have I become? I’m sorry.”

“You can’t trust me”

“You should take my life. You should take my soul”

“And the windowsill looks really nice right?”

“You think twice about your life, it probably happens at night, right?”

“This ain’t a noose, this is a leash and I have news for you, you must obey me!”

“Entertain my faith”

“And i’ll be holding onto you!”

“I’ve got a migraine”

“Cuz Sundays are my suicide days”

“But I know, we’ve made it this far, kid”

“Cuz sometimes to stay alive, you gotta kill your mind”

“She asked me, ‘son when I grow old, will you buy me a house of gold? And when your father turns to stone, will you take care of me?’”

“I will make you queen of everything you see”

“We’ll make pretend that you and me, lived ever after happily”

“And now I just sit in silence”

“Sometimes quiet is violent”

“It’s on my sleeve, my skin will scream reminding me of who I killed”

“I hate this car”

“Cuz somebody stole my car radio”

“One thing consists of consistence, and it’s that we’re all battling fear”

“Oh dear, I don’t know if we know why we’re here”

“I liked it better when my car had sound!”

“Peace will win and fear will lose”

“He leaves a lot”

“I’m double sided”

“I kinda like it when I make you cry”

“My prayers schizophrenic”

“I’m standing in front of you”

“Everything together trying to be so cool”

“I can’t see past my own nose”

“That’s a train”

“And while you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I, who have a really tough time getting through this life—so excuse us while we sing to the sky!”

“We’re broken”

“Pa, I’m not the one you know”

“I have killed a man and all I know”

“You’ll have to watch me struggle from several rooms away”

“But tonight, I need you to stay”

“In the night, headlights call my name”

“I will never be what you see inside”

“You say I’m not alone, but I am petrified”

“You say that you are close, is the close the closest star?”

“I’ll fake you out, all I wanna”

“What kids are doing, they’re killing themselves”

“If you’re one of them then you’re one of me”

“Our brains are sick but that’s okay!”

“It shows what you have done.”

“And you swear to your parents, that it will never happen again”

“I know what that means”

“Don’t take it!”

“I’m trying to sleep but I can’t”

“But there’s hope out the window”

“Lets go outside and all join hands”

“I simply tell them they should shoot at this”

“And that’s where I am”

“Standing cowardly”

“I can feel my death”

“I wanna know you”

“I wanna say, hello”

“Now the night is coming to an end”

“The sun will rise and we will try again”

“Stay alive for me”

“I will fear the night again”

Blurryface

“Just another attempt to make the voices stop”

“Can you save my heavydirtysoul?”

“I didn’t understand a thing you said”

“Sayin stuff like ‘you only live once’”

“Death inspires me like a dog, inspires a rabbit”

“(…)I’m insecure and I care what people think”

“We used to play pretend, give each other different names”

“Wake up you need to make money!”

“I think about the end just way too much”

“(…)it’s fun to fantasize.”

“‘Who would you live for? Who would you die for? And would you ever kill?’”

“I’ve been thinking too much”

“Help me.”

“I’ve been around”

“She’s the tear in my heart”

“I’m alive”

“The songs on the radio are okay.”

“You fell asleep in my car”

“She’s a butcher with a smile”

“Don’t trust a perfect person”

“When the leader of the bad guys sang something soft and soaked in pain”

“He must’ve forgot to close his door”

“And his four walls declared him insane”

“Hell’s hot for good reason”

“Three lights are lit but the forth ones out”

“I forgot about the drought of lightbulbs in this house”

“(…)I’m not good with directions”

“Fear might be the death of me”

“Don’t forget about me”

“Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts”

“You’re all that I’ve got”

“Hope you haven’t left without me”

“I wanted to be a better brother, better son”

“I think I lost my halo”

“I don’t know where you are…”

“You’ll have to come and find me”

“We don’t believe what’s on tv”

“We have all learned to kill our dreams”

“I need to know that when I fail, you’ll still be here”

“I used to say ‘I wanna die before I’m old’ but because of you I might think twice”

“What if my dream does not happen?”

“And we’ll make money selling your hair”

“I’m wanted and on the run”

“Remember the morning is when night is dead”

“Together we’re losers”

“Where we’re from, we’re no one(s)”

“I look outside and see a whole world better off without me in it”

“You are out of my mind”

“You aren’t seeing my side”

“I’m sorry”

“I wanna be known by you”

“The ghost of you is close to me”

“Don’t let me be gone”

Trench

“I can’t believe how much I hate…”

“Spirits in the room, friend or foe?”

“I’ll be right there”

“I’ll stop my plans”

“If you need anyone”

“(…)everyone’s asleep”

“I am a vulture who feeds on pain”

“Are we still in love and is it possible we feel the same?”

“I’m just a ghost”

“They always try to stop me”

“He’s got no friends close”

“Anybody listening?”

“I’ll go with you”

“I’ll grab my bat”

“If they’re here to smoke, I’ll go with you”

“Just keep it outside”

“I’ll be back when it’s all complete”

“I’m running for my life”

“I plan my escape from walls they confide”

“I’m so sorry I forgot you”

“Let me catch you up to speed”

“You know, I’ve always been collected, calm and chill”

“You know, I never look for conflict for the thrill”

“For you I’d go step to a dude much bigger than me”

“For you I would get beat to smithereens”

“I’ll be in the corner taking notes”

“I’d go write a slick song just to show you the world”

“They think it’s messed up to sell out for your girl”

“We glorify those even more when they…”

“An earlier grave is an optional way, no.”

“I could give up and boost up my reputation”

“They say ‘how could he go if he’s got everything? I’ll mourn for a kid but won’t cry for a king’”

“Promise me this…”

“(…)if I lose myself, you won’t mourn today and you’ll move onto someone else”

“Thinking I’ll teach them!”

“Well I’m refusing the lesson”

“(…)just pleading that it doesn’t get glorified”

“(…)life they were dedicated…now that should be celebrated”

“I don’t believe the hype”

“I don’t know which way I’m going”

“But I can hear my way around”

“East is up”

“___don’t control us”

“They wanna make you forget”

“A complete diversion”

“We’ll win but not everyone will get out”

“I’ll keep on trying…might as well”

“I cut my lip”

“I keep on going back…even though it’s me I abuse”

“I created this world to feel some control”

“Destroy it if I want”

“I wanna stop time”

“I’ll sit here til I find the problem”

“(…)down in my basement”

“I’m done with tiptoeing”

“I’ll stay in my room”

“You were one of those classic ones”

“I wish she knew you”

“You’re a legend in my own mind”

“My middle name, my goodbye”

“You were here when I wrote this”

“I’m sorry I did not visit”

“When your eyes did not know me, like I know you”

“I look forward to having a lunch with you again”

“I’m tired of tending to this fire”

“They know that it’s almost over”

“In time, I will leave the city”

“(…)for now, I will stay alive”

“Though I’m far from home…in ___ I’m not alone”

Scaled & Icy

“I can feel my saturation leaving me slowly”

“(…)broke the news on moms vacation”

“Would you say you depend on the weather?”

“My sunshine…”

“I know it’s hard to believe me, it’s a good day!”

“Lost my job, my wife and child—homie just sued me”

“I don’t bother anyone”

“Self sabotage is a sweet romance”

“Pain is just a middleman”

“When your body’s screaming out, trust your minds listening”

“When I get home you better not be there”

“Searching for that feeling”

“Just like an ‘I love you’”

“You get home you barely recognize the pictures they put in a frame”

“I’ve got a long drive, I’ll tape my eyes so I don’t feel asleep just yet”

“(…)take a hit, join the club”

“Am I on the outside?”

“I’m vibing”

“Weeks feel like days”

“Medicare in the afternoon”

“I just pray that I’m not losing you”

“We’ll never take it”

“(…)when they keep lying through their fake teeth”

“Taught myself to play guitar”

“There’s nothing wrong with this!”

“Keep your bliss”

“Keep your pills, save your breath”

“Welcome to ___!”

“Ain’t no sunny skies, til you finally realize, everybody relies on synthetic highs”

“You are formidable to me”

“I’ll follow you”

“I just can’t believe that I’m for you”

“And I know we just met…”

“I wanna see it all”

“I won’t break your heart if you can break my spell”

“Fast forward thirteen years now…”

“I’m afraid of you now more than I was at first”

“Can you take me everywhere we’ve ever been?”

“I don’t know if you’ve got your phone cuz this went straight to voicemail”

“And my wife saw your face on the nightly news. Oh, boy, what’d you do?”

“(…)then you head to Mexico”

“Running it away don’t make you wrong”

“If you don’t reply, I’ll know you must’ve crossed state lines”

“She’s been crying but I’ll her you’re fine”

“I told you all along”

“We got people on the way”

“We want you home in one piece now”

“We get bodies everyday”

“(…)ride or die, my son”

“I don’t wanna go like this”

“(…)At least let me clean my room”

“I don’t wanna leave like this!”

“Blankets over mirrors, she tends to like it”

“She’s not afraid of her reflection but what she might see behind it”

“She had plans to change her name, just not the traditional way”

“One night she got cold with no blankets on her bed”

“She ripped them off the mirror, stepped back and she said…”

“Should I keep it on display or redecorate?”

Clancy

“Welcome back to ___”

“(…)overtake your former self”

“Days feel like the perfect length I don’t need them any longer”

“Can’t break down”

“I don’t wanna be here!”

“Can you die of anxiousness?”

“What about to happen?!”

“I remember certain things…”

“(…)what I was wearing, the yellow dashes in the street”

“I prayed those lights would take me home”

“Then I heard ‘hey kid, get outta the road!’”

“(…)can’t feel my legs”

“There’s a pressure in my chest”

“Can’t change what you’ve done, start fresh next semester”

“I don’t mind if it’s lonely”

“I don’t wanna backslide to where I’ve started from”

“I should’ve loved you better”

“You should let go”

“Thanks for asking”

“You can be so cold”

“You make me sad and second guess myself”

“Running late so I didn’t have the time to scrape the frosted windshield”

“Did you pull up yet?”

“Not yet!”

“Did you forget we’re tight on time?”

“I requested council with the counselor and he canceled twice”

“I’ll be pulling into the parking lot before the heat kicks in”

“What’s your ETA?”

“Two minutes!”

“Chill out man, we’re right on time.”

“And I want love and sunny days”

“Imma bit too old to runaway”

“While all the worlds asleep, I walk around instead”

“I’ll probably jump on the next one”

“I’m keeping my eyelids up no matter what”

“So beautiful, the space between…a painful reminder and a terrible dream”

“I’ve been here before”

“(…)reoccurring, days blurring, I’ll still learning what this is”

“Just keep me company”

“(…)flesh covered in bites”

“Man, it’s been a long night”

“Where do I go from here?”

“He’s thinking ‘there’s no way I’m headed there’”

“Now he can’t hold out his hand without it shaking”

“No, not me, it’s for a friend (denial)”

“‘I don’t know a lot about you still…’”

“Seems I get in my own way…”

“I just hope I communicate the craving”

“Now I see intentions don’t mean much…”

“Did I let her know?”

“(…)and hope she looks for me”

“Now I see a gesture don’t mean much…”

“Cuz it’s the fear of the unknown that cripples every step we take”

“Welcome to the new way of living, it’s just the beginning of lavish”

“You’re fighting for the front row, that’s a nice try”

“(…)’cross linoleum”

“I say whatever and whatever that I want”

“Sip a Caprisun like it’s Dom Pérignon”

“I’m talking tough happily with someone in front of me”

“NDA’s for the folks that talk to me”

“I see your problem is, your proctologist, got both hands on your shoulder while you’re bottomless”

“I can’t seem to turn the page”

“I’m navigating my head”

“Dissociate…”

“Give me some advice”

“I am wasting all this time!”

“How things change so rapidly…”

“Kind of feels like everybody leaves…feeling the reality that everybody leaves”

“Got a bad feeling that imma about to break”

“Been a good streak…”

“Have I burnt all my bridges?”

“All of that progress lost today”

“Running from a thing that I kicked in 17”

“It’s a new adaptation!”

“I have seem to run out of excuses for why I am this way…”

“Only consistency is your periphery is fear and the bridge of your nose”

“Futures coming fast you’ve got nothing in the tank!”

“In a season of purging things you used to love…everything must go”

“Make an oath, then make mistakes”

“Start a streak you’re bound to break…”

“When darkness rolls on you…push in through”

“(…)found your capacity for love and tragedy”

“Embracing how things always change”

“You learned what you can and can’t take”

“You don’t quite mind how long red lights are taking”

“Your favorite song was on the oldies station”

“You have it down that old fight for survival”

“You’re in the crowd at her first dance recital”

“I don’t wanna anyone know me or not, see me at my lowest”

“You don’t have to drop by…nothing you can do this time”

“Check on your friends”

“At the risk of feeling dumb check in!”

“(…)it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend”

“I can’t be alone”

“Just a glimpse of visual aid of you on the other shoreline”

“I’m gonna make it”

“Can’t be sure that I’ll make it”

“I’m past the point of no return”

“So few, so proud, so emotional…”

“Hello ___.”

Extras

“Please don’t make any sudden moves”

“You don’t know the half of the abuse”

“You’ll never know the psychopath sitting next to you”

“But you’ll think, ‘how did I get here sitting next to you?’”

“But after all I’ve said, please don’t forget…”

“We don’t deal with outsiders very well”

“You have trust issues”

“Why’d you come? You knew you should have stayed…”

“I tried to warn you just to stay away”

“It looks like you might be one of us”

“World has gone insane”

“Just tell me we’re alright, tell me we’re okay”

“In a world, where you could just lie to me…and I’d be okay, we’ll be okay”

[oldestenemy]

“Concerned for my safety.” The wizard echoes, fingers tightening around the spyglass they’ve been using in place of a wand for the past year. “Where was your concern for my safety when you sent me off to fight a war singlehanded and alone?” Their tone is soft. Conversational. Merle Ambrose does not flinch.

“Please, tell me what happened, do not spare a single detail.”

And they don’t.

They weave the felling of the shadow palace as it ought to be weaved, in darkness and blood and discarded web. In unmade worlds and the snapping of tree roots. In opponents twice their size, half their skill, in winning through bared teeth and broken skin.

They do, in fact, spare Ambrose a single detail.

They do not tell him about their request to Raven.

They do not tell him how it felt to watch the shapeless winds of the void between worlds tear Morganthe apart.

She had been his apprentice, once upon a time.

The wizard can offer him that one, singular kindness.

If nothing else.

“This news of Old Cob is troubling, but we shall just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. New adventures for us all, yes?”

“Am I free to go?” They do not hide the chill or bitterness in the words. “It’s over.”

Merle Ambrose does not flinch.

“Yes, yes you may go, please get some rest. You have earned it.”

~*~

The wizard does not get some rest.

“Professor Drake?”

It’s off hours.

Cyrus Drake is in the Myth tower, where they had once dueled him, years ago now—before they were sent to the heat and tragedy that was Dragonspyre.

“I was not informed of your return.” It’s formal, it always is, but the wizard manages a half smile. “I am pleased to see you have made it back predominantly unharmed.”

“Are you free?”

“I am.”

“Can I show you something?” Cyrus’ lip curls in a way that the wizard recognizes, and they correct themself before he can patronize them. “May I show you something?”

Words are important in Myth magic. To nobody more than Cyrus Drake, who seemed too often to wonder if things would be different, had he only found the right words.

“Are you meant to be resting?”

“I am always meant to be resting or fighting. This is as close to rest as I’m going to get for a while.” They respond, allowing the hollow tone to take over their voice. Allowing the empty spaces where they had freshly leeched magic show. “Once we’re there, we can sit, I’ll drink tea, pretend I’m doing well.”

The wizard takes Cyrus to their castle. The myth castle. The castle sitting atop a cyclops that might be alive and might not be. The one crawling with automatons and unicorns and every wayward sprite they’ve ever picked up. Where the small green dragon they’d tamed in Avalon sleeps by the river when they do not ride it. Where they host the trophies of the times when victory tasted sweet and real.

The castle that houses Malistaire’s memorial.

Cyrus doesn’t ask why they made it.

Doesn’t balk at it.

Does run his hand along the edge of the stone, and the carved relief of Malistaire and Sylvia.

“When did you make this?”

“After,” The wizard says softly, “just after—you sent me to the dorms and, well I ran to Northguard, I couldn’t rest, couldn’t stop—”

“—I understand.”

They sit together.

They drink Hespermint tea and listen to the breathing of the cyclops above.

Eventually, the wizard has calmed their nerves enough to voice the thing that is weighing on them.

“I don’t want one for her.” They say softly, staring at the memorial, at the fresh flowers, the crystals bursting from the earth. “I wanted her dead. I wanted to hurt her. It’s—I’m not a kid anymore, I can’t pretend I’m doing this without understanding, I wanted to make her feel like I did, I wanted to make her pay—but I—I’m not supposed to.” They are going to cry and they don’t want to, they blink it back, grip on their teacup far too tight. “I chased power I shouldn’t have—I messed up again and let out a—a monster—I couldn’t think beyond wanting revenge for Azteca, for Pacal and Zaylin and Tezcat and Neza—for watching Dyvim die and for having to swallow Shadow and—” A sob is working its way up their throat and if they aren’t careful this will shatter them.

“You spent two months in the burrows and barrows of Khrysalis.” Cyrus interjects as the wizard gulps down air, “Isolated again from your classmates, your friends, those who can ground you. It is… easy, to get swept up in the tide of getting even. Especially when one is alone.”

“You didn’t.” They manage to mumble.

“Ah, but I am rarely left to my own. I have… children to teach, collegues who deign to check on me at irritating hours, and an apprentice who has flourished despite having been unable to appear in class more than twice a term, too busy getting themselves dragged into oncoming conflict.”

The wizard’s gaze snaps up at the word apprentice.

“I would have done more for you if it were in my power to do.”

He’s being nice.

He’s not supposed to be nice.

He’s Cyrus Drake.

He’s supposed to be lethal and logical and at best polite, but not nice.

The wizard laughs, and it’s hiding a sob.

Read the rest here <3

[kaleuh]

I feel absolutely pathetic.

Here I am, laying on a nice little beach near my apartment. The sky is blue, the clouds are water colored in the distance, the sun is still so warm despite it being almost 8pm. The moon is bright and rising. No one is bothering me, people around me are enjoying the day, and on my back staring up at the sky from the sand, all I can think about is bursting into tears. For no reason. The future maybe? The present? The past? I don’t even know what period of my life I’m crying about anymore. There’s no reason for it. I should be happy. Am I broken? Sometimes I think, maybe I did some fae deal that I don’t remember to take away and take on the sadness other people feel, and that’s why I’m like this now. When I think about it that way at least it’s something. At least it’s for something. This current sadness is so pointless. It’s nothing and worth nothing. It’s hard to feel the little happinesses day by day when I can barely feel anything outside of emptiness. And that’s the pathetic part, really. People would kill to be in my shoes with the things I do have. I live in a beautiful place with a loving partner and plenty of friends and a job that I don’t hate. People are out there dying in war and famine and I’m just like Ohhhh the sun she won’t talk to me, ohh the sky won’t answer my calls, boooohooooohooo meanwhile I can literally do beach yoga before going to work, which I can literally be naked for if I wanted to and eat and listen to whatever while I do it. But is that all happiness is now? Eating and sleeping and noise? What did I lose? Why did I lose it? What do I do to feel anything now? Is this forever? Is life, “hey you’re truly happy in your young adult years and then after that it’s mediocrity forever?” Am I just bored? It could be that I am just severely, severely bored. Could you imagine? If the past few years spent feeling this way was actually just because I haven’t had real adventures in a while? I wouldn’t be surprised, but then what would I need to do? Where would I need to go? And for how long? If that would even help. The only time I feel anything is Once per week where I am pretending to be a 20 year old boy named Trey Dolton who attends a college in east Texas. That guy feels everything. But it’s good. It means a part of me is still alive, and plays basketball now for some reason. This is where all the lost things went, I guess. When the campaign ends in a few months I literally don’t know what I’m going to do. I might not feel anything, or only bad things. It’s been nice. To have a part of myself be real again, the part that I miss, even if that part is now a hyper emotional jock. I wish I could talk to him. This post sucks. I guess the whole game has been a weird therapy for me without realizing. I wish he could sit next to me. He’d go, “Yo it is SO nice out right now,” and then endlessly talk about all the nice things he sees and then he’d ask if I wanted to “dribble those nasty courts” to which I’d say I Don’t Know How to Play Basketball Trey and then he’d say “I’ll show you!” And then the entire game he’d keep getting distracted by how pretty the sky is and then maybe he’d talk about God since he’s a pretty avid Christian but fuck it, I’d love a reason, any reason, to be able to look up and think, “look at all that was made for us” again

that actually helped a little

[crowandthefics]

Leslie’s slow decline into madness

A Toa fic

All parts!

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

Hi, my names Leslie papadopoulos. My favorite jolly rancher color is red, I love mythomagic, and my brothers identity was stolen by a god.

Pretty wild, right? On my 14th birthday my brother, Lester went out and didn’t come back. I remember it well:

“Be back by 3 Lester, you wouldn’t wanna miss your sisters party,” Mom says, as Lester opened the door

“don’t worry mom! I’ll be back in time.” Lester huffs as he steps out.

Lester didn’t come back that day, or any other day. I spent the whole party saying

“I’m not doing that till Lester’s back!”

It was a rather sad party as you can imagine.

My mom made me blow out my candles before all my friends left. by then I had already figured out Lester wasn’t coming back any time soon.

My wish as I blew out my candles was for Lester to come home but the next time I would see him wouldn’t be for a long time.

Well, I never actually SAW him again, but one day he was on twitter for doing something stupid. I don’t even remember what, I just remember going to my mom all excited, and very scared because my brother was alive! And all the way in the way in LA… why was he there instead of at home? Why did he leave on my birthday? I thought we were close?

I cried that night.

Chapter two

I spent the weekend after my birthday crying. But alas I had to return to school on Monday.

I hardly payed much attention in class, how could I? My brother was gone! Why am I supposed to pretend like everything’s fine?

He was declared missing and I started believing he was dead if it wasn’t for all the images of him circling the internet.

Over the weeks my friends decided that I was to much work to be friends with. I don’t blame them, but it will always hurt.

I didn’t really make any new friends per say but this senior, Percy Jackson hung out with me. He could relate to losing people so he understood my pain as well as anyone could.

We weren’t friends but he shared my lunch period and didn’t have anyone else to sit with and neither did I. sometimes he shared his cookies with me!

The months were a blur. I didn’t know what to do so I retreated into fantasy. I already liked mythomagic but now it was my sole coping mechanism. As a result I started reading about the Greek gods.

Funny ain’t it? My brother was taken by the Greek gods and what did I hyper fixate on to escape reality? The Greek gods.

I collected every card and figure and knickknack that mythomagic made. It was all I could do to not to break down.

Then I started seeing things.

Chapter three

I started seeing things. The birds were huge monsters, a dog running down the street could look like hellhounds from my mythomagic cards, I saw teenagers holding swords.

I tried to ignore it for so long, what was I supposed to say?

“Hey mom that kid over there has a sword on his belt!”

Hell no, they’d put me in a mental hospital I’m sure!

…and my parents already lost a child, I can’t make them live with a mentally unstable child.

So I pretend everything’s normal. I don’t see weird things and I’m not breaking apart. But I learned quickly, it’s hard to hide that stuff.

“Leslie! Leslie, are you listening to me?” My mom asked frantically.

I had started crying in the living room, I couldn’t handle all the stress anymore. My brother was missing, I’m failing my classes, and on top of that I’m hallucinating now!

“I want Lester back!” I say through tears.

The rest of that night is spent like that, I wouldn’t listen to reason at.

The next week my parents put me in therapy at the first place they could find. I like to say it helped, all I really did was talk about Lester though. By this point he’d been gone for four months.

It wasn’t long after I started talking about seeing things that I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I thought I had things figured out on that until one of the ‘hallucinations’ attacked me, like physically hurt me.

I was out for a walk, my therapist told me getting outside more might help.

I fell to the ground before I could think or react. I couldn’t see the monster so I didn’t know what it was, all I could do was scream.

Then there was just dust and an arrow. A girl with green hair walked up and retrieved her arrow. She looked at me and shook her head, muttering something to herself before telling me: “you should get as far from downtown as you can.”

I didn’t ask questions. I got up and left.

What? Did you expect that I’d stay and find out what was going on? Hell no when straight home and pretended nothing happened, I told my mom I fell to explain any injuries. Apparently the rest of everywhere did to because I saw nothing online about monsters or archers in downtown New York.

It was calm for a while. Until mid June.

Chapter 4

Mid June. They found his body near the Empire State Building.

It was red and brunt, painful brunt. My brother had burned to his death.

He wasn’t crispy the way you’d expect from someone who burned to death, no, he was bright red, red like a cherry jolly rancher.

It confused people. He evenly brunt all over, how was the burn so uniform? It was mystery. A mystery I didn’t want to think about.

My mother tried to calm me down, I was screaming and crying. She offered my what was supposed to be my favorite candy, a red jolly rancher.

“Red red red red no that’s what Lester looked like!” I had cried

Red used to be my favorite color, now I can’t look it and not cry.

I tried to stay calm, I really did! But I couldn’t, my brother, Lester, my dumbass brother who played piano and was late to everything and used to think you eat sunscreen was dead and I wanted him back.

All I could do was sob, my father pulled me away from the scene and took me home. My mom stayed to handle things.

I sat in the center of Lester’s room, just talking as if to him.

“Hey Lester did you know that though Demeter has the worst attack power she has the unrivaled defense?”

“Lester Lester will you play Mary had a little lamb?”

“I’m boreddd Lester… I miss you”

It helped calm me down in the afterwards. His funeral would be the next week but I wasn’t ready to see him again.

Until then, I talk to the walls.

Chapter 5

I stare out the car window on the way to the funeral.

It wasn’t raining, it was bright and sunny. Lester would’ve been sad to know his funeral was on a sunny day. He always wanted a funeral in the rain, for dramatic effect.

At the funeral home I saw way more people than I expected. People I never met.

I was anxious around the people but I tried not to pay attention. Instead eating strawberries. They had been Lester’s favorite snack so we had tons of them.

I ended up talking to one of the people who I didn’t know. He introduced himself as lyre.

“I’m sorry about the loss of your brother,” lyre said, he looked almost guilty. I wondered why.

“No, don’t apologize. You didn’t kill him.” I slightly laughed. Coping with dark humor.

Lyre glanced around nervously before laughing as well, he looked rather awkward.

“Well, still. I hope you’ve been holding up alright,” lyre responded.

“Does talking to walls count as alright?” I ask, to which lyre only shrugs.

The conversation ended there. I felt a bit weird about lyre but I just moved on, I felt weird about a lot of things right now.

I talked to a lot of people who I didn’t know. A set of siblings: will, Austin and Kayla. They were sweet, but Kayla looked familiar to me and I couldn’t figure it out. I ignored that weird feeling too.

I talked about the concept of death with someone named Nico. He was actually really helpful and helped me calm down even in the slightest. “Death happens eventually to everyone. I know it’s so cliche, but it’s gonna be ok eventually. I know how it feels to lose a sibling.”

He also played Mythomagic to so we talked about that for a while. It was something I understood like the back of my hand and it helped to talk about something I understood.

There was a little girl, said her name was Meg. She put a hyacinth on Lester and gave me a potted plant; “so you won’t be as lonely, it can’t replace your brother but it’s something at least!” She told me. It was also a hyacinth.

I held that plant the whole day.

I certainly watered it with my tears.

I can’t remember his service, I just know I cried the whole thing.

I had written out a poem he liked and placed it in his coffin along with my mythomagic figure of his favorite god, Hermes. He liked him because tricks and pranks and shenanigans were some of his favorite things.

At the graveyard I helped shovel the dirt over the coffin.

Staring at his grave I broke down again. Seeing his name in stone made it real.

Long after the funeral was over I sat talking to the grave. As if having a conversation.

Then lyre was there, He just appeared.

“Oh- uhm- sorry hi.” I scrambled to form coherent sentences.

Lyre just sat next to me. After a few minutes of awkward silence he started talking: “I am responsible for his death.” He said.

I blink, “what?”

“Earlier you said not to apologize because it wasn’t my fault, but it was. My name isn’t Lyre, my name is Apollo, and I am responsible for the death of lester.” He took a breath. “I don’t usually tell Mortals about the world of gods, but your life was ruined by it so you are owed an explanation.”

I stare at her. “Explain,” I say sharply.

“I am the god Apollo. I’m sure you know what that means from your little card game-“ I cut her off, “mythomagic.”

“-yes that. How do I put this… I recently went through ‘trials’ of sorts, my father, Zeus made me mortal in the body of Lester papadopoulos. Which is why he disappeared and eventually died. When I ascended to Olympus I can only assume his body couldn’t handle the amount of divine power and burnt to his death. So, young Leslie, I can do nothing but apologize to you,” lyre- Apollo explained to me.

“… with all the weird monsters I’ve been seeing I can’t even say I don’t believe you,” I say, dumbfounded.

Apollo sighs. “If I could bring Lester back, I would, but I can’t.” He takes a breath. “I must be leaving now, goodbye, Leslie papadopoulos.” And he disappears in a puff of gold.

I was mad. Horribly mad. I look at my brothers grave. “Lester. I will make sure he doesn’t just- just move on without caring about what. I swear that to you. I love you.” I hug his grave.

And thus begins my insanity.

Chapter 6

I’m tired. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I curse the heavens but there’s nothing I can do.

I hate the sun, I hate archery, I hate music- I hate everything Apollo stands for!

I tore apart my Apollo card, I tore a lot of my Mythomagic cards. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was scared and tired and angry, so angry.

Once I came to my senses I shoved the rest of my set in a box into the closet.

I went to my brothers grave so often. One day I was just talking to him in ramblings.

“Ya know what if I summoned Satan? Maybe if I do that I can trade my soul and everything will be fixed.” I laughed, leaned on his grave.

“How hard is it to kill god, do you think?” I asked him.

Things went just like that til I met Anne. Anne was a child of Apollo as she said.

“I fought against the gods in a war a few years back. The second titan war.” She explained to me.

Most importantly about Anne, she was willing to help me make sure Apollo never forgot what happened to Lester.

Anne and I became good friends quickly. And by August we had our plan.

Then, Anne and my plans were found out by a god.

Anne was killed by the gods.

I tore up the paper plans and sunk them in the water. I deleted any digital plans.

I removed all evidence of Anne from my life. I pretended none of that ever happened.

I decided I’d move on from the mess that has happened the last 9 months of my life. I had school to finish, I could make my life a life again.

But things could never be how I wanted them anymore.

My name is Leslie papadopoulos. I hate the color red, my Mythomagic set is long forgotten in a closet and my brother was killed by the gods.

➴➵➶➴➵➶➴➵➶

[theoffice-imagines]

Prompts

Sick/comfort:

1) “Are you alright?”

2) “You’re face a little flushed.”

3) “You’re so pale…”

4) “You look like you’re about to fall over.”

5) “Everything okay there?”

6) “I think so..”

7) “It’s just hot in here..”

8) “Am I?”

9) “I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

10) “I’m fine. Why?”

11) “It’s just a cold.”

12) “I feel strange..”

13) “I’ve felt kind of off all day..”

14) “I’m a little under the weather is all..”

15) “I really don’t feel good.”

16) “Let me take a look at you.”

17) “Come here, baby.”

18) “Here, sit down..”

19) “Can I check your temperature?”

20) “Stay put while I get the thermometer.”

21) “You feel so warm..”

22) “102? No wonder…”

23) “You’re burning up!”

24) “There’s something definitely going on with you.”

25) “Let me take you to the doctor.”

26) “I know you’re not hungry, but you need to eat.”

27) “Try a little broth, for me?”

28) “Drink your tea, it’ll help your throat.”

Angst/fluff:

1) “She was crying because of you!”

2) “I know for a fact that you’re not fine!”

3) “You’re looking at me like you’re disgusted. What did I do? Just tell me what I did, please!”

4) “I’m fine. Stop asking.”

5) “You said you needed space.”

6) “I’m not jealous!”

7) “Are you awake?”

8) “Are you done with that?”

9) “That doesn’t even make any sense!”

10) “Don’t ask me that!”

11) “This isn’t your fault.”

12) “Just admit it. You know I’m right.”

13) “What’s with the box?”

14) “Say it!”

15) “I could kiss you right now!”

16) “Just pretend to be my date.”

17) “Excuse you?”

18) “I might have had a few shots.”

19) “You did what?!”

20) “Come here. Rest, honey.”

21) “I have never been more in love with anyone than I am with you.”

22) “Are you okay?”

23) “I just don’t like thunderstorms.”

24) “I get it alright? I messed up!”

25) “What do you need me to do?”

26) “I can’t sleep.”

27) “When was the last time you slept?”

28) “I want to protect you.”

29) “Give it back!”

30) “Well, this is just great.”

Random:

1) “You’re always on my mind.”

2) “You have no idea how much you mean to me.”

3) “You’ve always felt like home.”

4) “I can’t imagine this world without you.”

5) “Trust me.”

6) “Why are you crying?”

7) “Who hurt you?”

8) “Was it me?”

9) “Nothing is wrong with you.”

10) “You make me feel alive.”

11) “I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

12) “Who cares about what they think?”

13) “Lets go.”

14) “I’m not going anywhere.”

15) “Tell me what’s wrong.”

16) “You’ve always got me.”

17) “You look like you could use a hug.”

18) “Did you need something?”

19) “Just talk to me.”

20) “I can’t take the silence anymore.”

21) “Why are you so jealous?”

22) “You can’t do that. Not here.”

23) “Stop pretending you’re okay, because I know you’re not.”

24) “You owe me!”

25) “That wasn’t funny.”

26) “I love that show, too!”

27) “This tastes horrible.”

28) “This is delicious!”

29) “Can I borrow that book of yours?”

30) “Let me help you with that.”

31) “Don’t make me come over there myself.”

32) “Wanna go see a movie with me sometime?”

33) “Do you believe in ghosts?”

Hurt/comfort:

1) “I don’t remember that..”

2) “I didn’t do it!”

3) “Well, that was pretty rude of you to say..”

4) “Don’t touch me!”

5) “Are you mad at me?”

6) “Stop ignoring me!”

7) “Take that back!”

8) “We’re not just friends and you know it!”

9) “Please don’t cry, I can’t stand to see you cry.”

10) “Where do you think you’re going?”

11) “Just leave me alone.”

12) “Just talk to me.”

13) “You’re so beautiful..”

14) “You’re making me blush!”

15) “Stop being so cute!”

16) “You’re the best!

17) “Are we good now?”

18) “Stop lying to me and tell me the truth!”

19) “You belong to me!”

20) “Don’t get up. I’ll do it.”

21) “How about a kiss?”

22) “Don’t scare me like that.”

23) “I’m here for you.”

24) “Don’t ever do that again!”

25) “Don’t say that. Not now.”

26) “Everyone deserves a second chance.”

27) “Excuse me, I’m terribly lost. Can you help me?”

28) “You don’t have to stay.”

29) “You deserve so much better.”

30) “You did all of this for me?”

***

@theoffice-imagines

Request a prompt number for any of these characters:

• Michael Scott

• Dwight Schrute

• David Wallace

• Andy Bernard

• Jim

• Pam

• Angela

• Karen

• Kelly

• Erin

• Holly

[dc-and-damirae]

dc characters as quotes from "bnha-more-like-bnh-gay" tumbler user's mental breakdown

damian: it’s fine, my mom just wants me dead I guess lol

———————

beast boy: I don’t need therapy, I have humor 😎

———————

impuls: it’s chill, we’re Gucci

*narrator voice* they were decidedly not chill or Gucci

———————

tim or jason after an anxiety atack: I’m just a ball of,,,,, bleh

———————

dick robin: in theory,, I am funny; but in practice? in practice, I am fucking hilarious

———————

jon constantine: 🎶crying myself to sleep and pretending I don’t exist. This is a myth, and time is just a metaphor🎶

———————

tim: aaaaaand time to write my feelings out in vent fanfiction. Yeehaw motherfuckers, it’s time to cry

———————

jason: my trauma really just pulled up in a Tesla and told me to ‘get in, you sack of shit’

———————

bruce: I swear to whatever, if I don’t finish this homework right now, I will vanish from existence. I’ll just,, poof. Bye bye, dad. No more bruce, just. Disappear, in my little, disappointment. hole

———————

cyborg: I want to edit my life

———————

beast boy on 5 hour energy: so, thanks to doctor who, we know that if you touch your past self, bad things happen. But we don’t know to what extent this is. If you touch something your past self has touched, will bad things happen because you touched the dead skin cells of your past self?

———————

green lantern(hal): I wish I was puppy living lavish lifestyle

———————

steph, for some reason?!: *messes up saying something* yup, good job, steph. Thank you, stephany, I try my best! And yet you’re still a failure. Hahah that’s not funny, that’s just mean 🥲

———————

flash: why do school work when you can just freak out over not doing school work and sit there having a panic attack? Ahahahahah, oh god, someone please kill me

———————

tim: I haven’t slept in so long, and it’s great because my brain is numb and the world is fuzzy. But I’m like, really smart, it doesn’t matter that I fell down the stairs today- it probably didn’t help that I haven’t eaten or drank anything for the last 19 hours, so I’m also really fucking stupid, but in a genius type way-

———————

tarra or supergirl: because I am a ✨material girl✨ I will blow my bank account on stuffed animals, as this is the only way I receive serotonin

———————

manhunter: I haven’t had a hug in years, and you know what? That’s okay. Normalize being touch starved. It’s okay, you depraved freak. There is nothing- there is very little… it’s okay to have things wrong with you. You’re not killing people, you’re fine.

———————

raven and jason: I love this book more than I love myself-which I will admit, is not hard-but still. That should count for something

———————

tim: I have not slept in 53 hours, and you know what? That’s okay. Normalize being unhinged. The dissociation bean juice (coffee) might only make me more tired, but it’s as bitter as my soul, and I feel alive and dead at the same time: the duality of man. How iconic of me

———————

super boy: I just spent three hours staring at a blank page because my writer’s block is stronger than All Might, but you know what? That’s okay. Because I have memes to carry me through the day. When in doubt, meme it out

[outpost51]

😭

🌳

for the snippet asks fuck me up man

Snippet Asks

🫡 with gusto! let's hurt ourselves with helix bc the prologue really popped off actually

😭 share a snippet that will break our hearts

None of the sticky-outie bits on a turian were attached to the skeleton, and even if they were, all of his sure as hell weren’t anymore. In a fight with just biotics, the trained spec-ops bastard would have won. She hadn’t been taught by anything more substantial than a few shoddy extranet videos she watched in secret. Her amp was barely functional, much less combat-ready.

Maybe the Alliance was scared of the rabid animal too.

She caught sight of her reflection in a dark store window, hunched over and heaving, mouth and hands dripping blue as the mutilated remains of what was once a person only in physical form twitched and gurgled at her feet. Maybe they were right to be.

“Jesus Christ, Janey,” came a wheezy laugh behind her. “My pops woulda loved your ass on Shanxi.” Jerry had already struggled himself free by the time Jane made it to his side; she had to catch him as he stumbled away from the wall.

She hacked up a wad of blue blood and phlegm over her opposite shoulder. “That one just looked like a regular blade,” she remarked. The manic wobble in her voice betrayed her confidence. “Just gotta get you gelled up, you’ll be alright.” The further they got, however, Jerry’s weight kept increasing as he leaned on her more for support, and with how much she’d used her biotics and moved around in general without eating, she didn’t think she could make it all the way back to her brother.

“Janey, I gotta… gotta sit down,” Jerry rasped. He gave her no choice in the matter, sliding off her shoulder to drop heavily onto a bench. “Just go on ahead, I’ll read a magazine or something.”

She shook her head. “Nobody left behind, Smith.”

“Don’t you go backtracking on me now, Miss N5.” His weak smile was interrupted by a coughing fit. They both ignored how the bloody saliva didn’t even make it halfway down his chin before it congealed. “That Icarus-Texas shit hurts like a bitch.”

Because it’s thickening your blood in your veins, her brain helpfully replied. She closed her mouth tighter so the echo wouldn’t make it out. “I’ll get Cohen, steal one of those electric carts—”

“You know that’s not gonna do anything, Janey.”

She did. It didn’t mean she didn’t want to be ignorant of the fact. To let herself be foolishly optimistic. “We’ll come back for you.”

“You better,” he chuffed. “Don’t let ‘em put me in those stuffy-ass blues.”

Jane pretended to clean the blood from her face with her sleeve and coughed to hide her sniffle. Alliance Marines didn’t cry. N5s didn’t cry. The leader of the Tenth Street Reds didn’t cry. But she’d be the only witness left alive, right? Jane Shepard could cry. Just a little. She’d earned it. She slumped onto the bench next to him and leaned over until she could rest her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she said softly.

“For what?” He sounded tired.

She shrugged. “Everything. Being a dick. Snubbing all of you. Cutting myself off.” A bitter laugh built under her breath. “You know I really thought about going to that stupid dance?”

The weight of Jerry’s cheek settled on top of her head. His scruff tugged at her roots with his smile. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she snorted. When he dropped his Firestorm in her lap, she didn’t push it away. “I couldn’t find a dress that made my arms look pretty. Didn’t wanna make you the talk of the town for the wrong reason.”

“Shit, Jane, you’d be pretty in a trash bag.” Jerry nudged her with his shoulder and nearly slipped off the bench. “I’d a’ still tapped it.”

Jane couldn’t stop the ugly, wet sputter of laughter, but the gentle motion of Jerry’s growing smile could. Had the circumstances been different, she might have called him a pig. It didn’t feel right. Instead, she sat up and held his face steady to kiss him. Just once. Quick, chaste, one last attempt to wrap up his affairs so he wouldn’t be stuck here forever. His cheeks were clammy under her palms. “I’m sorry,” she repeated.

“Give ‘em hell, Janey.”

He was gone before she could fully ease him onto the bench. She was gone before his body could cool further than she could pretend he was just resting while she went to get help.

🌳 share a snippet featuring nature of any kind

They had made it half the short trek to the attached resort when a rush of cold smacked the back of John’s head and sent him sprawling. The bright, breathless laugh gave away the culprit before he even got up to look, but when it turned into a sputter, he panicked, worried that would be it, that they had moved too fast —

Jane launched a retaliatory snowball at Jerry, causing him to miss his next throw and hit Ahmed square in the chest. Ahmed froze. In the alpine forest behind them, a tree branch cracked under the weight of perpetual winter. The entire group whirled on it out of Alliance-honed instincts, then, upon realizing the source, laughed it off and turned back to Ahmed just as he crumpled into the red snow at his feet.

Somewhere in the distance, John heard a muffled shout about snipers. Hands jostled his shoulders, shoved at him, urged him to move. He was vaguely aware he’d told Ahmed to get moving, get to cover, but Ahmed remained frozen, eyes dulling slowly as the life leeched out of him into the steaming slush. He didn’t reach for his backpack, so John grabbed it for him. He could run faster unencumbered. Something solid — a pistol, still warm from its last shot — was pressed into his hands, his finger manipulated over the trigger. Frozen vengeance, blood-red and hungry for more, rose up from the ground and rushed past to crash over another poor soul. Heat splashed onto his face, stinging like bacon grease in the cold.

“Move your ass, John!” Jane barked, a knife still buried in the throat of a flickering ghost —

No. A man. Armored, armed, bearing a tactical cloak and an unknown crest on his pauldron. But Elysium was safe from pirates. It had orbital defense. It had armed guards at the spaceport. They’d only gotten through security with weapons at all because they had prior clearance.

[hughescluez]

𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕

001: “i just need you.”

002: “hey, look at me.”

003: “i’ve got you.”

004: “what the hell were you thinking?”

005: “i don’t know who you think i am but i’m not leaving.”

006: “i’m coming to get you, stay there.”

007: “what if something happened to you?”

008: “touch her again, and i’ll fucking end you.”

009: “what’s wrong? why are you crying?”

010: “you’re not going anywhere.”

011: “walk out that door and we’re done.”

012: “i feel like i’m falling apart.”

013: “look at me. you’re okay.”

014: “he shouldn’t have touched you like that.”

015: “can you take a deep breath for me, hm?”

016: “who did this to you?”

017: “i’m gonna fucking kill him.”

018: “you don’t have to hide your tears from me.”

019: “take my jacket, i don’t want you catching a cold.”

020: “if you’re hurt you can tell me, i don’t mind carrying you.”

021: “we’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

022: “stop pretending you’re okay cause i know you’re not.”

023: “i think i’m in love with you, and that scares the crap out of me.”

024: “don’t you dare walk away from this.”

025: “hey, look at me. focus on me alright?”

026: “i can’t think around you.”

027: “all my friends told me you’d break my heart.”

028: “how many times are you going to look me in the eyes and lie to me?”

029: “you’re hurt.”

030: “go ahead and hurt me! at least i’ll finally feel something.”

031: “how could you even think that i don’t love you?”

032: “call me right fucking now.”

033: “who the fuck was that?”

034: “please, leave me alone.”

035: “come here, i’ll carry you.”

036: “my torso isn’t exactly a pillow you know.”

037: “how did you get that black eye?”

038: “take it easy, you’re hurt.”

039: “i’ve got you. just stay awake. can you do that for me?”

040: “i’m fine, let me see your face.”

041: “how could you ask me that?”

042: “it’s you. you’re it. you’re the one i want.”

043: “why are you pushing me away?”

044: “well maybe i like having you alive, ever thought about that?”

045: “stop worrying about you? i can barely stop thinking about you!”

046: “i’ll sit here all night if i have to, just talk to me please.”

047: “i didn’t know where else to go.”

048: “did you feel sorry for me? is that why you asked me out?”

049: “waiting for you is like trying to find rain in a drought. useless and disappointing.”

050: “i thought you could use a hug.”