relativelydefected

[relativelydefected]

It’s funny cause.. in my last post I said something to the effect of “Terminal is not a death sentence.”

Come to find out it really is..and I was just in denial.

My mom passed away on July 10, 2023 at 1:36pm at HopeHealth Holister Hospice.

She had metastatic non small cell lung cancer that spread to her brain.

I had always questioned whether it was breast or lung, as she had both at one time. But it was first breast that metastasized to lung and the death certificate officially ruled that it was the lung cancer in the end.

I don’t really know what made me come back to this.. tumblr account. I guess it’s like my safe place to blog.

I don’t know if anyone I know sees this or bothers to read it but knowing that people might not makes me feel like I’m safe to speak what’s on my mind without feeling like I’m whining or sad all the time.

This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. It’s indescribable. There has not been one day that has gone by since she passed that I haven’t cried at some point during the day. Mostly at night when everything is quiet and my kids are sleeping or I’m by myself. I’ll think and cry or I’ll remember something in cry.

I go to work and I put on this smiling face and pretend everything is fine cause I don’t want people to worry and I need to make money cause no one else is around to pay my bills. But I feel like an egg that’s been cracked open, once it’s cracked you can’t put it back together.

I’m not trying to sit here and say woe is me and I don’t want people around me to feel bad for me. If anything that is the worst thing cause when people feel bad or they try to hug me or whatever I know they mean well but it just makes me more sad.

I never in my life imagined it would come this soon. One week she was good, one day she was talking and she went to sleep and never talked again. It’s was that fast.

I wake up everyday still not believing she’s dead. I used to have dreams about my mom dying all the time. When I say ALL THE TIME I mean ridiculous amounts of times. When I’d tell my mom this she’d tell me.

“If you have dreams of me dying it just means I’m gonna live longer.”

I’m waiting for someone to fucking shake me and tell me this was all a dream.

I feel like I took time for granted. And the only lessons this really taught me is that life is short, in an instant it can be gone and at times like these you really come to find who is really there for you who are the real people in your life are the ones that actually show up.

I’m not close to anyone in my family aside from my children and my dad.

So I pretty much feel like I’m basically on my own my dad doesn’t contact as me as much as my mom did. Not to say he isn’t helping me he is I just don’t feel the bond with him that I had with my mom. I know it will take time and it will build but not yet.

I feel like I’ve grown as a person these past few weeks and gotten stronger as a person. Emotionally not so much. But as far as keeping everything neat and tidy and organized in my house of chaos. I’ve been able to maintain a nice home and up to my responsibilities. Something I fell back on when she was around due to depression and anxiety and all the build up.

I’m trying to live the life my mother wanted me to do and be the person she wanted me to be when she was alive.

I was weak and lonely and depressed and just this pathetic shell of a person but i feel like I’ve come out of this stronger knowing I have to carry on for my dad and my kids.

I just hope she is watching down on me and she is proud to see the person I’m becoming for her.

[relativelydefected]

So it’s been awhile since my last post. I was in a really dark place. Just felt like the entire world was closing in around me and I was about to lose the most important person in my life. But I think I’m back to my regular self. Or at least a normalized version of who I am.

As much as I need to prepare myself for something to happen I realized I need to stay positive despite knowing how this will end. My mom may be terminal but terminal is not necessarily a death sentence.

I’m choosing to write things here because I have certain family members who choose to take everything I say and talk to someone else in my family who can’t seem to keep it to themselves. Not that it’s a secret. But it’s annoying to know that every thought that I write down on a private account is being told to people I don’t want to know that information. I could just block that person but that would start a whole lot of unwarranted drama that I don’t need right now. I have enough problems.

Ive pretty much given up being a doormat to people in my life. After the one positive meet up.. I realized there are guys out there capable of being nice and polite. Why am I giving my heart or my time to people who clearly don’t deserve it? I guess at the depressing point in my life I thought that was the best I could do. Just don’t have time for that anymore. I believe in forgiveness but not forgetting.

Anyway mom had surgery yesterday she has a condition called hydrocephalus which is a term I knew of before my moms diagnosis but I did not realize that’s what she had. She has cancer cells in the fluid that was drained from her via spinal tap. Which is what we think was the cause of her brain being filled with fluid. So they decided to give her a shunt which would drain the fluid from her brain to her stomach. It took 3 hours to go through the entire surgery. But she’s doing ok aside from the pain and being heavily medicated and sedated.

I’m going back to work on Monday. I’m kind of excited and nervous at the same time.. excited cause I miss everyone nervous cause I don’t know how much they know about everything that happened, whether they will look at me different and just trying to remember how to do everything after being gone for 2 months.

My sons birthday is tomorrow. Might take him out of school early and do something.. not sure yet but I know he will like his gifts I came prepared this year. Usually I’m scattered trying to get things done the last minute. I was also scatter brained these past 6 months too about everything.

I think I’ve gotten more done this month alone compared to the last 6 months. So that’s a positive.

But that’s it for now. ✌️

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First time streaming new hobby

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More news on mom nothing conclusive but they think she might have cancer in her brain. She has a lot of fluid in there right now and they did a spinal tap as well as running a bunch of tests. She’s in good spirits but when we video chat she’s clearly tired. I’m so aggravated with this cold. It’s been a week now. I just want it to be done with so I can go visit her. But there is no way in hell I’m gonna risk her getting sick. I really wish I could come on here and bring something positive..news but nothing positive seems to ever occur.

Sometimes I wish I could go out at night somewhere fun. Like a club or bar or something. Having kids and no one to help you out is rough. I don’t even remember the last time I was able to have a night out. 🤷🏽‍♀️ maybe someday?

Truth be told I’m bored out of my mind and I’m tired of doing the same things everyday.

Kind of want to bring my son to the movies at the new theater near the mall. We havnt been there yet. But taking Athena would be near to impossible. She’d be running around the theater or saying it’s too loud lol.

She’s so cute the things she’s been coming up with lately.her new thing to say when she doesn’t want something is “No not me!” I can’t help but laugh like where does she get this stuff from? Or when she’s saying bye she will say “Bye! See you later!”

She went from not saying a word to saying phrases and knowing all her letters and numbers in one year.

It’s crazy what a difference one year can make.

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Brilliant. Why the block tho? His question was equally confusing..?

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I havnt posted in awhile. I just keep finding myself in deeper darker holes every time I turn around. Just one right after the other. It gets tough to think about let alone write about.

My mom is in the hospital again. She passed out 3 times this week again. My dad told me his struggles with bringing her up the stairs. Picking her up off the floor of their bedroom cause she couldn’t get on the bed. Went to visit her she got up to get me something and fell again.. she had two cat scans done. She has to wear a heart monitor to monitor her for an irregular heart beat. They found she had a small brain aneurism in her head.. as well as a spot in another part of her head as well. Which may be the reasons she keeps passing out. The past two days she’s had nausea. Which might explain the things going on in her head.

I quit therapy. For the simple fact that if something is to happen to my mom. I’m gonna be a wreck regardless. So no amount of therapy is going to help me with that. And I’m not using that as a scapegoat or an excuse. It’s the fucking truth. I don’t care who tells me otherwise.

No amount of breathing exercises or coping mechanism is going to help me with this portion of my life.

The kids are doing well. My daughter is clueless as to what is going on and my son is slowly starting to take into an account the seriousness of the situation. He cried about it last week and all I could tell him is that she’s fighting this she’s strong and that we’re gonna get through this together.

Things I should probably say to myself but knowing the reality of the situation. It’s tough to think that way while at the same time trying to prepare for something that might be inevitable.

I havnt been to the bike path for the past few days due to having a cold and this bipolar New England weather.

I even bought a longboard. Just to try something new.

Havnt been able to fully try it out cause it’s either raining or I’m sick or my kids are sick and I have to be home.

Havnt been able to see my mom the past week cause I’m fighting off this cold that doesn’t want to go away.

On a more semi positive note.

I met this guy on tiktok we talked for two days before we decided to hang out. What’s funny is he lives right down the street from me..He’s a single dad I’m a single mom.. he has a good job his own place.. he’s younger than me and that’s a first for me but I thought why not give it a shot. Really cute.

Has a stutter but that is also really cute .. we are both gamers we both like studio ghibli and Star Wars. We went to the mall he was so nice and easy to talk to he gave he gave me a hug it was just really lovely. It felt good to be treated like a lady after 11 years of being treated like garbage..I definitely felt a connection. Then of course my own insecurities took hold and I think I messed up the entire thing. He seems like such a good dad and he has all these nice qualities but some how some way I always manage to mess up a good thing. That’s my life. It’s like I psych myself out every time. I can’t just let things flow or be. Maybe he’s not attracted to me? I don’t know..

He has a twitch I watch it, try to message but don’t hear back so not much I can do 🤷🏽‍♀️ think im just gonna stop messaging at this point.

It felt good to go out shop and have fun and not think about the crap going on in my life so for like 5 hours I was at peace for the first time in months.

Good things never last. They are rare but fleeting.

You’d think I’d be used to it by now but im not.

But I tried right? Even if it didn’t work out.. I can say I tried to meet someone and put myself out there.

But I also feel guilt about being happy. When everyone around me is falling apart.

Maybe when I go back to work it will be a distraction from all this. But I can’t go back till I figure out my daughters situation with school or whether i need to put her in daycare full time.

Cause I can’t do both and I have no one to help me in this situation unfortunately.

I’ll try to update more. If you guys have prayers I could always use them.

#depression #anxiety #terminalcancer #stage4cancer #breastcancer #mentalhealth #life

[relativelydefected]

I can’t really think of the words that I want to say right now. I just feel empty inside. Like a shell. Numb.

There have been a lot of people who I normally don’t talk to that have reached out to me regarding my mom. I really do feel the love coming from everywhere and it means so much.

But I still feel so helpless. I know there is nothing I can do. But it hurts my heart to know that my my mom is becoming so weak.

It’s hard holding it together. I just dropped off my daughter at my aunts house because I just feel like I’m going nuts she’s all over the place and I just need a breather.

I think I’m just going to go take a nap I’m exhausted.

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My mom fell down again today, she’s currently in the hospital. Worst part was seeing my dad lift my mom off the floor. Why? My mom is the strongest person I know so to see her falling apart I can’t tell you how much it hurts to see the strongest person in your life become so weak. It’s just reminding me of the reality of her sickness. I feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do anymore. Im trying to be strong for my kids but I’m actually falling apart and I have no one who I can turn to fucking sucks.

[relativelydefected]

 All rights reserved  by Соколова Елена

[relativelydefected]

Random photos I took while on the bike path this morning.

Top left: An example of some weird stuff you find on the bike path. Thought it was a dead squirrel but looking closer it’s a stuffed animal arm.. random.

Top Right: Was walking over the bridge and spotted this goose just hanging out on the bridge. Saw it as a photo op. Tried to get as close as I could without him taking off.

Then the bottom picture: A random guy who I often see when I’m on the bike path gave me this spoon ring which he said he does as a hobby. Which I thought was nice and pretty cool!

It’s funny I used to be scared of going on the bike path cause I thought maybe I’d get kidnapped or raped. But everyone on the bike path seems very friendly.

I used to hate exercise and walking to me was a boring task but I’m really enjoying doing this everyday.

I’m down 14lbs. Celebrating the small things in life.

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There are some positives to being single.

Being able to post what I want.

Being able to post whatever pictures I want wearing whatever I want.

Being able to do whatever I like.

Being able to talk to whoever I like.

Being able to eat ice cream.

Can’t go wrong.

[relativelydefected]

😗

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I hate when you are going through these dating sites with the swipe option.

I’m not looking for a relationship.

I just go through them for fun cause some profiles are really funny. That or I’m just bored..

But I hate when you go to swipe left and sometimes it swipes through as right when you didn’t mean it.. so you end up matching with someone you didn’t mean to match with..

Then you have Facebook dating which doesnt seem to have an unmatched option so I end up having to block that person instead to avoid any awkward conversation Because I matched with them but never meant to.

Another thing I hate about these dating sites is the guys you meet on here.

The questions and the privilege. Like when you are talking to someone and they will ask you a dozen questions offer no information about themselves then completely ghost you. Or a guy who will ask you to take pictures of weird shit like “let me see your teeth” 😅 like dude what? My teeth? “Send me a body shot..”

I just met you!

That or you’ll meet a really nice guy, friendly,has nice qualities and next thing you know your getting dick pics cause they decided to do the switch and show who they actually really are. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Where are the humble guys who are down to earth, funny, have some level of intelligence and enjoy intellectual conversation and take the time to think before they speak?

Oh that’s right probably not on dating apps.

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Another Alaska cost of living TikTok.

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Remind me to never move to Alaska. This blows my mind.#Alaska #costofliving #tiktok

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That seems dangerous.. imagine sitting on your cat.

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I mean.. I’d think it was cool?