#and i will literally never get over the announcers talking about joe saying he could talk to tee about anything in his pregame interview

[baddestbfromda301]

i can’t handle this😭

[aaron-kennedy78]

NOW YOU SEE ME 3... ?

Hello, it's me again,

As some of you may know, a few things have been around about the new Now You See Me movie... A lot of rumours, dates, cast, etc. Now there's information about it, that's a fact, but I would like to present it to you because there are a lot of thing that are being said that are not necessarily true... At least for now...

First of all, director Ruben Fleischer (Zombieland, Uncharted, Venom, etc.) will be directing the third movie, this was announced at late september of 2022 by Lionsgate's Joe Drake. At this point there were no news about the cast.

It's also been claimed that Seth Grahame-Smith will be working on the script.

According to Screen Daily (27 october 2023), Alex Kurtzman and Bobby Cohen will be (once again) producing.

As for the cast, Now You See Me 3 will have the franchise key stars reprising their roles, being Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson and Morgan Freeman.

I think it's important to say that actor Michael Caine announced his retirement from acting a month ago, which obviously means he would not be involved in the third movie.

I've also read that Lizzy Caplan, Michael Caine, Dave Franco and even Isla Fisher will reprise their roles, but as far as I know, it is not true (specifically Michael Caine).

And the latest news (literally from hours ago) from different sources claim that the third movie will be a "reimagined" take on the franchise, that the movie will not be a continuation of the series but a "fresh new take on the franchise from the movie's new director vision"…

Due to the fact that this statement is so new, I wouldn't know a lot about it.

Also according to a few sources, production will start in the first half of 2024.

A new take, from a different director, could mean a lot of different things, a prequel? Individual stories of each horsemen? Getting deeper on The Eye's story and it's structure? I don't know, so before I start getting my brain out on that statement, all the information and all the possibilities I will stick to the facts and wait for some more news on the new movie,

It's also important to state that the actors' strike influenced a lot in the works for the movie, maybe that's why there are only 3 actor confirmed for the project and maybe now that it is "all over", in the next weeks we could have good news about the cast, the plot, etc…

Let me know what do you think about the cast, the director, the new vision on the movie, what have you heard, read, etc.

Note: I just wanted to say, I know I can do better, but, my english somehow improved in the last years, I hope this improvement will have a positive effect in this blog (is this a blog? To be honest I never really understood how Tumblr worked) so we can all talk, share, etc. About this franchise that I absolutely love…

US

[honeypiehotchner]

My Deep Blue Love (Tom Hiddleston x Fem!Reader) -- Soulmate AU one shot

This was 100% born out of boredom and loneliness and those damn Soulmate AU POV Tiktoks that I have seen practically 24/7 for the past WEEK on my fyp

(I’m not sure if I’ll do a part 2, rn I have no plans for it)

quick note on the technicality of this one: you lose all ability to see colors when you turn 12 and you don’t regain the ability until you meet your soulmate. but! you have to meet them in person and it has to be a mutual eye contact. pictures/videos of them don’t work, and if you just saw the back of their head or something in person, that doesn’t work either. it’s all about the shared eye contact babeyyy

small disclaimer: Brie Larson is mentioned in here and she has a wife, but that is very much only in this fic, and as far as i know Brie doesn’t have a wife irl lol (i also don’t know if she’s spoken about her sexuality at all so what i’m saying is take it with a grain of salt ok)

Summary: Everyone around you is meeting their soulmate, but you still see in black and white. You’re ready to give up, and basically have, when you lock eyes with your soulmate.

Warnings: None! Just a bit of angst, lots of fluff toward the end 

You knock on your mom’s bedroom door at 4:58am. She’s already awake, sitting up in bed, ushering you over.

With tears in your eyes, you crawl onto her bed, snuggling close to her chest.

“I don’t want to lose my colors,” you whimper.

“I know, baby,” she whispers, kissing the top of your head. “It’s okay.”

You were born 12 years ago on this day at 5:08am, so in a few short minutes, when you officially turn 12 years old, all color will drain from your life.

Or the colors could stay, but that’s only if you’ve somehow already met your soulmate. And that’s rare, nearly impossible.

You squeeze your eyes shut at 5:07 and you don’t open them again until 5:10.

The colors are gone.

+++

twenty years later

You sigh heavily as you receive yet another wedding invite. You are invited to witness the official beginning of Olivia and Jeffrey’s lives together as husband and wife, soulmates for all of time.

The glitter sticks to your fingertips, tiny black dots against your skin. Your friend told you it’s gold. You barely remember what that looks like.

Lately it seems like everyone has been meeting their soulmate. Just yesterday, you were having coffee with a friend when she looked up at the girl sitting behind you, and boom.

“It’s like the world just exploded,” she had said. Colors were everywhere. She immediately left you to go talk to the girl.

You don’t blame her for that. If you had met your soulmate, you probably would’ve done the same thing. But you can’t say for sure because you don’t know.

You wouldn’t be so cynical of it all if your boyfriend of five years didn’t meet his soulmate while the two of you were out at dinner. You wish you could say that he was faking it. But it was clear from his face (and the girl’s) that he wasn’t kidding. It was real. He had met his soulmate, and it wasn’t you.

It’s never you.

You’ve had guys cut off dates before they even start, all because they didn’t see colors when they laid their eyes on you. They refuse to even be friends with you.

All anyone is doing anymore is searching for a soulmate and it’s exhausting when none of them are yours. When all of your friends see color now. When everyone assures you that it’ll happen soon. What does soon even mean?

You grab your ice cream from the freezer and fall onto the couch, flicking to whatever channel has late night shows that aren’t complete garbage.

As usual, you find yourself watching a talk show, and tonight Tom Hiddleston is one of the guests.

You’re sort of familiar with him from a few movies, but other than that, you hardly know anything about him.

“So, Tom, we’ve all been wondering what’s going on with you and Brie Larson?”

“Brie?” Tom asks, clearly shocked to hear this question. “We’re just good friends, that’s all.”

“Oh, she doesn’t make you see any colors?”

“Ah, no, actually, she does not,” Tom chuckles, but doesn’t sound sad at all, surprisingly. “Her wife does that for her, not me, I’m afraid.”

“Oh really?” The host brushes past the mention of Brie’s wife and keeps the focus on Tom, of course. “So is that true, you still don’t see color?”

Your ears perk up at the mention of someone else not seeing in color. It’s rare for anyone to talk about this on television. Most celebrities don’t talk about whether or not they’ve found their soulmate, but more often than not, those that have are quite loud about it.

“Yes, that’s true,” Tom answers. “I still see the world in a lovely black and white.”

You snort, harshly jabbing your spoon into your ice cream. Lovely. Yeah, right.

“Do you really think it’s nice? Do you not miss the colors?” The host asks.

“No, no, I do. I do,” Tom admits. “But I like to think I’ll see them when the time is right.”

You groan, going to Google to look up his age. And when you see he’s 40, you groan even louder. He’s older than you and he still hasn’t met his soulmate. That’s just depressing. How can he sound so optimistic?

“Alright, well, if there’s one thing you wish you could tell your soulmate, what would it be? Maybe they’re watching right now, you never know.”

Tom smiles wide. “Maybe, maybe, um… Oh, so many things,” Tom exhales deeply. “I guess I could be cliché and say I can’t wait to meet them and wait for me, but I think I want to say… I think I want to say I understand. It is frustrating, still seeing in black and white, but our paths will cross soon, I’m sure of it. Until then, my eyes are blue.”

Blue. Blue.

You roll your eyes. You don’t even remember what the color looks like.

+++

seven months later

“I am not going to a movie premiere. You’re insane!”

“Please!” Your friend, Catherine, cries. “You’ll love it, I swear.”

You glare at her over your coffee. “That just makes it sound like you have a trick up your sleeve.”

“I don’t,” she says. “I just want you to take advantage of this and come with us! When will you ever have the chance to go to a movie premiere again?”

She has a point. Dammit. “Touché. How did you get tickets, anyway? Please tell me you didn’t spend thousands for this.” You wouldn’t put it past her, even though you tell her not to every time before she does something like this.

“God, no, Joe surprised me with them earlier. He said he went to school with the lead.”

“Oh. Cool. Who?”

“Tom Hiddleston, I think. Have you heard of him? He’s British, but that’s about all I know. Joe just said they ran into each other the other day and reconnected.”

You stop halfway through a sip of coffee, careful to not choke on it. Slowly, you nod. “Yeah. I...I’ve seen him in a couple things.”

“Apparently, he hasn’t met his soulmate either…” Catherine trails away, raising her eyebrows at you.

You roll your eyes. “I heard,” you set your cup down. “He’s probably met them by now though since he blasted it on television like that.”

“Or he’s still searching and you’re still being too cynical.”

“You’re probably right,” you chuckle.

“Sooo, you’ll come?”

You sigh heavily. “As long as you help me pick something to wear.”

+++

“I’m regretting letting you talk me into this already,” you mutter when you nearly trip in your heels.

“Oh, hush,” Catherine swats your arm. “It’s an excuse to get dressed up and look hot for no reason. Take it.”

“Fine.”

Catherine’s soulmate, Joe, was whisked away almost as soon as the three of you stepped inside the venue by some director (you think), but he promised to return in a few minutes. Catherine told him not to worry. She’s used to him being dragged away for conversation. You can see from her face that she’s more proud of him than anything, and not at all annoyed.

Currently, you and Catherine are standing near the small bar, waiting for them to announce that it’s time to take your seats. You desperately want a drink, but part of you knows it would be a bad idea.

One glass of wine can’t hurt, though. Maybe it’ll take your mind off the pain in your feet.

You peel away from Catherine when you see Joe coming back, and you flag the bartender down quickly.

After ordering a glass of white wine, you wait patiently, wishing you had chosen a dress with sleeves. It’s fucking cold in here.

“Darling, you’re shivering, are you alright?”

Your head turns toward the smooth voice, face set and mind trying to decipher whether or not it was a sincere or creepy comment when the world quite literally explodes.

There, standing beside you, concern written all over his face, is Tom Hiddleston. Only now the concern has washed away into awe when your eyes lock with his.

“Oh my god,” he whispers, stumbling even though he’s standing in place.

“Blue,” you murmur. “Your eyes are blue.” Without even thinking or asking, your hand lifts to cup his cheek, and then you pull back, “Shit, sorry—”

But he grabs your wrist gently, placing your palm on his cheek. “It’s alright.” His thumb strokes the back of your hand. “I have been looking everywhere for you.”

“I thought you didn’t exist,” you whisper in reply. But here he is. His eyes are blue, his lips are pink, he has tiny brown freckles all over his rosy cheeks. You look back to his eyes, narrowing your own. “You liar. Your eyes have green in them, too.”

“Do they really?” Tom chuckles. “I never would’ve known.”

“That’s why you have me,” you tease, and you don’t know where any of this is coming from, yet it doesn’t feel like you’re pretending. It feels like you’re finally yourself.

His other hand tangles with yours as he nods. “That’s why I have you, indeed.”

At this time, the lights in the theatre begin lightly flashing, signaling that it’s time for everyone to begin making their way to their seats.

But neither you or Tom move one inch.

The only issue is people are beginning to stare.

You notice it first, so you slowly pull your hand from his cheek. This movement shocks him back to reality, too, and he blinks a few times, yet he doesn’t let go of your hand.

“I, um, I have to make a speech,” he says. “But then I can come back to you. Will you save me a seat?”

“Don’t you have to sit up front?”

He nods. “I do, but—”

“Then I’ll come with you.” You aren’t sure if it’s the fact that he hasn’t let go of your hand yet, or if it’s because you’ve been waiting so long that now you don’t want him to be further than an arms length away from you, but you mean what you say.

“Are you sure?” He asks, but you both need to make a decision quickly because you can see someone waving from the wings, most likely trying to get Tom’s attention.

“I’m sure.”

He doesn’t question it, in fact, he grins, and brings your hand up to his lips, kissing your knuckles. “Let’s go, then.”

[sorry-i-ship-drarry]

29. Sweet, sexy and practically fainting

Prompt used- Tickling the other one | implied smut |

" okay stop being a damn beauty queen draco and step into the waters, nothing's going to bite you " pansy rolled her as she looked at Draco through her sunglasses over the bridge of her nose

"I love your determination to send me there but I'm good with sitting here and tanning myself. Besides look at the boys, they've gone absolutely wild " draco sighed as he leant down backward on the sheets, bathing in the sun.

" well I'll go in the waters " Hermione announced as she dropped her robes and walked ahead to the waters.

" see even she went and she's the most uptight women I know " pansy said as she too laid back on the floral sheets

" thought she wasn't so bad anymore " draco said with his eyes closed

" she's great but I'm just saying so you'd actually get up and go into the waters " pansy replied

" nice try pans " draco sighed.

" you guys aren't joining ?" A familiar voice asked besides them. Draco opened his eyes and leant on his elbows to see Harry now standing in front of them

" nah, I'm good being here " draco replied narrowing his eyes because of the sun. Pansy too nodded without looking up at harry.

" well if that's what you want " harry shrugged and started unbuttoning his shirt.

" Ron said waters great, I wouldn't miss it " harry grinned as he dropped his shirt on the sheets and walked away into the waters, letting draco watch him as he walked away.

" just go join him for fucks sake draco" pansy rolled her eyes

" why aren't you going?" Draco rolled his eyes at pansy. She took off her glasses and looked at Draco " because baby, queen never works in the crowd " and with that Draco broke into a fit of laughter.

" I'm sorry but queen " Draco mimicked her voice still cackling to death.

" what's so funny ?" Blaise asked as he started drying off himself.

" nothing, just his renowned self still laughing over an abysmal joke because of the inability of his brain to comprehend when to stop " pansy rolled her eyes

" do tell him pansy, I'm sure even his brain would stop comprehending when to stop " draco chuckled as his laugh started dying out. He glanced behind Blaise into the waters to watch harry rising out of the water, pushing his wet hair back.

" ahem " pansy cleared her Throat smirking at Draco knowingly.

" shut up " draco rolled his eyes at pansy, blushing lightly but he allowed himself to believe it was the sun. And he fell back into the sheets again.

They soon heard someone coming back, mumbling something on their way back something about not getting that thing in her hair. Draco looked up again to find Hermione and Ron joining them, drying off their bodies with towels.

" why aren't you coming ?" Suddenly harry asked appearing out of nowhere ruffling his hair to get rid of water

" eh, I like it here " draco expressed and tried to lay back but harry grabbed his wrist and practically threw him over his shoulder and carried into the waters.

" PUT ME DOWN POTTER " Draco bellowed trying to wiggle free from Harry's grasp

" oh- you want me to put you down-well-"

" don't you dare, harry- no- not the wate- augh " and draco was dropped into the waters as harry cackled looking down at Draco. He gave harry a scowl before he pulled him down too and tickled him.

" for- Merlin- I can't breathe " harry laughed as he fought for air

" yeah- should've thought about it before dropping me into the water " draco raised his eyebrows as he tickled harry further on his bare stomach.

" fuck- staph- I swear- draco please- " harry kicked the empty water almost dying out of laughter

" say you're sorry" draco commanded but harry shook his head until Draco tickled him harder all over his body making him beg draco to stop.

" fu- fuck- fine- sorry- won't-" and with that Draco took his hands off Harry's body. He rolled over in the water, Peeking his head out for air until he gave draco a sinister grin and pulled him under the water's again.

They spent the rest of their time on the beach laughing and rolling in the waters, splashing at each other and making fun of how their hair looked.

" you got Sand in my hair harry" draco groaned as they walked back to other who immediately stopped talking as soon as they came.

" what were you guys talking about ?" Harry asked as he picked up his towel and started drying off his hair.

" nothing, Just talking about tonight's party in the hotel " Blaise smirked. Draco frowned knowing exactly that he lied but Decided to not call him out just yet.

" what time is it ?" Draco asked as he too dried off his hair.

" I think around 8-ish. I might run a bit late, this maniac got Sand in my hair " harry rolled his eyes nudging draco.

" hey- you have a bird's nest. Do you even know how Long it would take for me to get rid of this beach smell alone, let alone the sand " draco rolled his eyes as he casually playfully hit harry over his arms.

" well I was just making you have some fun and you can't deny- you had fun " harry teased

" I was just glad a sea urchin didn't bite me " draco rolled his eyes

" keep covering it all up- anyways- I'm gonna go run back to hotel to get something to eat then meet you all at the party, how does it sound ?"

" sounds good to me " draco frowned. They all nodded at harry, Ron and harry deciding to go with him.

" harry, wait " draco stopped harry

" what ?"

" nothing- you just got a leaf in your hair " draco pulled out a leaf from the back of Harry's head and showing it to him. Harry gave him a sweet smile before thanking him and left.

As soon as harry had left the first thing he heard was laughter, from his friends.

" could you crush anymore over him ?" Blaise laughed

" whatever " draco rolled his eyes blushing and collected his stuff " both of you, die in hell " he pointed at his friends who were mimicking draco and harry and making kissing noises. Scowling draco left the presence of his friends. They were assholes, even if they were right.

After draco had finally taken a long shower and eaten something, he got dressed in his red floral shirt after much retaliation and black pants, he left for the party by 9.

He immediately grew morbid at the amount of people were at the party but this trip was supposed to be for having fun, take a few days away from their work life and so draco made himself adjust to the party and soon enough found his friends chatting by the bar.

" ooh is the Slytherin in red for the gryffindor who took away his heart " pansy teased

" seriously grow up, I wore it because I liked it" draco sighed

" I believe you honey- a glass of champagne and sex on the beach and a gin for the boy " Pansy told the guy behind the counter who nodded immediately and prepared the drinks

" but I don't wanna drink-"

" think you would If you'd see that " pansy pointed to the centre of the dance floor. At first draco didn't notice anything unusual until he saw harry, and not just harry, harry talking with someone, no laughing with someone. A silent jealousy fueled inside draco.

" I don't care- he's at perfect liberty to dance with whoever he wants- as long as I care- that guy's too tall for him " draco turned around and sat down facing the bartender.

" if that's the case then- hi harry " pansy immediately squealed.

" you won't believe, that guy is literally just so perfect for me pansy- thank you so much for setting me up with him- gosh- thanks for the drink " harry excitedly informed, took draco's gin, straight up drank it and left.

" you- you've got to be kidding me- you set him up " draco clenched his jaw at pansy

" don't worry. I know exactly what I've done. Have your drink draco " and with that they spent the larger part of the evening drinking, despite draco's initial rejection, he was drinking awful lot that he had lost the count.

" draco- alright that's enough- drinking won't make it go away " pansy sighed as he pushed away draco's drinks.

" what's up with him? Draco you fine ?" Harry asked as he returned for the fifth time now.

" oh- I'm absolutely smashed it's feels great- have fun with Georgi " draco slurred giving him a lopsided smile

" well it's Joe "

" right- Joe- have fun " draco smacked his hands against the counter.

" woah- "

" I'll take care of him Potter- you go " pansy sighed

" you- you knew and you set him up- why ?" Draco whined almost losing his balance on the stool.

" I- lemon please- I didn't set him up that way alright- you've got nothing to worry about " pansy told him

" nothing to worry about ? He's dancing with another man - " hiccup " how could you ?"

" draco- control yourself- here drink this " pansy pushed a drink at Draco. He looked at the drink wryly before bottomed up and let it have a tingling effect on him.

" better ?" Pansy asked. Draco burped internally before nodding. Feeling a little sober, draco turned to look at harry dancing with Joe again making something clench inside him.

" I have to go-" draco suddenly jumped off the stool

" go where ?" Pansy asked worrisome

" harry. If I don't go now, I will never "

" but-" but he had already made his way into the dance floor and towards harry. He sharply walked towards harry, not thinking even for the slightest what he'd do when he faces him but all he knew he needed to go to harry. He needed to.

And so when he reached harry with Pansy yelling behind him to stop, he grabbed his wrist and turned him around.

" draco- " but Harry's words were caught in his tongue when Draco pressed his lips against harry's and let it devour the taste of gin on Harry's lips. He pulled away as in asking for if harry wanted to step away but everything was happening too fast that harry didn't had time to refuse and pressed his lips against draco's. If jealousy made draco kiss him so phenomenally then harry wanted him to do this everyday because in that one kiss, that one sexy, mouth devouring, passionate kissing, draco hadn't missed an opportunity to make Joe cringe and leave.

" wo- jeez, just inform the next time before you do this " harry smirked against draco's lips, his hands in draco's hair.

" well there wasn't much time but I inform you now " and with that Draco kissed him again with the same passion just more lust as if it was the end of the World and if Draco didn't kiss him how, he never will. In the hot steamy crowd, draco pressed his body more against harry, his hands roaming Harry's chest, making harry moan when Draco lightly brushed over one of Harry's nipples.

" fuck- draco- let's go to the room " harry sighed against draco and immediately grabbed his wrists and lead the way towards his room, but it was more makeout than steps taken. They had to stop at each floor to kiss as if it was an appreciation for reaching this far without pounding on each other.

When they finally reached Harry's room, they wasted no time in making the make out session more cardinal with lust and intensely passionate. The room filled moans as harry pressed draco against the door, feeling draco's boner pressed against harry's thighs. Without thinking, draco started fumbling with the buttons on Harry's shirt until he stopped him.

" you're drunk draco" harry said, a sudden guilt washed over him and he stepped away " fuck- you're drunk- we can't " harry pushed his hair out of his face.

" so what ?" Draco whined closing the distance between them once again to kiss him again but harry stopped him.

" Merlin- draco I've waited long enough for this- but this isn't how I want it to be- I want to take you, need you, god do things to you but not this way"

" then take me harry, I'm all yours" draco whined. Harry chuckled, pressing a soft kiss against draco's forehead.

" say this in the morning and then I promise I'll take you just how you want me to " harry whispered smiling. Draco sighed but didn't bring it up again and soon enough draco fell asleep in Harry's bed.

And as said, the next morning draco woke up and as promised harry had him exactly the way Draco wanted, sweet, sexy and practically fainting.

Requests open

Sorry if this seemed fast

Day 28- I'll catch you | Day 30 - scared, potter ?

[sonnetthebard]

This is kind of a crack idea, but I don't really care and I'm throwing it out anyway

Curt and Owen have to go undercover in a show for a mission(keeping an eye on one of the members of the cast maybe?). The show? Either Spies are Forever or a Hatchetfield show, take your pick -S

S anon... you have been waiting a while for this, and I apologize. With Headless, I needed a moment to recharge. So this is going to be a Modern! SAF fic. And as a treat, we're going original cast in an AU. That's right folks. Extra meta content. You asked for crack, you're gonna get crack. Please note: Most of the stories pertaining to the real people involved in this oneshot are made up based on what facts I know about them/ what I’m able to pick up on personalities. I don’t know any of these people personally, though. This is going to be such a ride, so buckle up.

Genre: Comedy/ Action/ Fluff

Words: 5639

TL;DR: Curt and Owen take the stage in order to monitor Chimera and one of their operatives. The thing is, they only have a vague clue as to who they're going after: he was one of the writers.

TW: Swearing, Guns, Fighting- But not much, this is mostly just gonna be a joke.

_________________________________________________

"Next we have... Curt Mega?" The longer-haired one read off, looking at Curt. "Cool name! We might have to use that- if, of course, that's okay with you."

"Oh... yeah, that's fine." Curt chuckled softly.

What, precisely, was Curt doing? Only the thing he'd vowed to Owen that he would never do (other than, of course, leave him): auditioning for a musical. Owen was a total theatre kid, and he'd done his share of musicals. Curt was always in the audience, but he'd jokingly told Owen that he would never be joining him up there. But... here he was. In an audition room. Curt never broke promises, not even joke ones. But these were... extenuating circumstances. In other words, this was for a mission and he had no doubt that Cynthia would actually kill him if he didn't follow through with his orders. Owen gave him a sly, triumphant smirk from across the room, where he was waiting for his audition. Curt got up, following the guy back further into the studio where they were holding auditions.

This mission was an odd one. It was monitoring a potential operative with Chimera Worldwide. Sure, they had the world by storm now- but A.S.S. was getting intel telling them that they might be breaching the privacy rights of people all over the world. In fact, Chimera may be a lot more criminal than they would seem to the naked eye. There was evidence coming to light of plots that could very well end in world domination. The worst part: apparently they were pretty plausible. One world government, puppeted by Chimera. That's why MI6 had sent Owen, and A.S.S. had sent Curt. They were their best agents, and a duo that had proven to work well together.

What did all of that have to do with a musical? To the average joe, nothing. Oh, Chimera had done well. They'd even declined to offer these guys a production grant so as to not seem shady. But... the A.S.S. had reason to believe that one of the writers and producers for the show that they were about to audition for was an operative for Chimera. Now, this play in and of itself may be an independent project. It may have nothing to do with Chimera. But... it was looking like the easiest way to monitor this operative, and so here Curt and Owen were. Owen was thrilled! He loved doing shows. He usually had to slot them into his schedule carefully, though. He couldn't do them during missions. So a mission where he was doing theatre was basically a dream come true for him.

Curt and Owen had chosen roles according to their experience with theatre. Curt had chosen to keep his name as his theatrical stage name, and Owen already did keep his name as a stage name. It was risky, but it also provided their names with a solid cover in the world outside of espionage. Owen had a legitimate resume built. That was why he was going for the lead, currently named 'JB' for 'James Bond' (subject to change). Curt, on the other hand, had stolen his resume from another actor named Curt Mega (who had fully agreed to that and signed an NDA and luckily enough happened to look like Curt). He had literally no acting experience, so he was going for a smaller role: The Informant and Ensemble. Both would likely have eyes on different parts of the production process and the cast. Hopefully they'd get a good idea of what was going on and who their target was. Maybe they'd even get to eliminate the threat! That was Curt's favourite part of missions.

"So, Curt... you did Glee?" The guy who had initially called him asked as they walked.

"Yep!" Curt lied.

"I recognize you! You were one of the Warblers- nice job on that solo in Uptown Girl, by the way." The man chuckled. Oh good. He was passable as the other Curt Mega. "I did Glee too. I was only there for, like, an episode though. But my buddy Darren... well, you probably know him."

"Yeah. He did a phenomenal job as Blaine." Curt smirked. Darren was also on an NDA. The government was being extremely careful.

"I'm Joey Richter. Me and my friends Brian and Corey wrote this show." The man introduced himself, extending his hand. Curt took it, giving him a firm shake. Joey smirked. "Damn... you've got a good shake."

"Thanks." Curt chuckled. He liked this guy. It was hard to imagine right now that he could be talking to an agent for one of the greatest evils known to man since... probably the Nazis. "I'm Curt... I mean, you know that, I just..."

"Yeah, I get it." Joey chuckled along with him. They walked into a room. Inside there were four other men. Two sat behind a table, Curt's supposed 'resume' and headshots laid out in front of them, a stack of papers on the side. Two other men shared a piano bench stationed by a keyboard. None of them were dressed particularly formally. Actually, they were all dressed pretty similarly to Curt. Short-sleeved patterned button-ups were about as formal as it got. So Curt and his black, white and gold striped short-sleeved button-up were in good company. "Hey, guys! This is Curt!"

"Hey! Welcome to the auditions for Spies are Forever!" One of the men behind the table smiled brightly. God, all of these men looked... so innocent. Curt couldn't see any of them being traitors to their country, much less mankind.

"Okay, so that's Brian. The guy beside him is Corey." Joey introduced. Corey waved. "The two guys at the piano bench are Clark and Pierce, our composers and band."

"Hey, Curt." Clark smirked.

"You brought your sixteen bars?" Pierce checked.

"Yep." Curt nodded, popping his 'p' and passing him the binder with his sheet music in it.

He'd brought Being Alive from Company, which Owen said was "such a cliche" and "a terrible choice for a comic show", but it was the song Curt felt most comfortable singing. So he was singing it anyways. Owen was very adamant that Curt had to be careful to actually be cast in the show, but Curt held that that song was his best chance. Curt had always thought he was an okay singer. He had his range that he shined in, and he used that. He never performed though. He wasn't that good. That's why he was going for a mostly non-singing role. He went over his cut with Clark, who was actually the one who would be playing for him. Then he cleared his throat, took a deep breath and gave it the old college try.

The odd thing, Curt thought, was that they seemed very into it. Either they were being very nice to him or they were genuinely enjoying the performance. Curt was a bit surprised by that. Owen was the performer among the two of them. Curt supposed it could just be the song. But then... something else unexpected happened. They asked Curt to do his cold read as 'JB'... and change the name to his own. 'Agent Curt Mega'. It was all getting a bit real for Curt. They liked him. And they liked his cold read. They were laughing during his cold read- and at all the right times! Curt was very confused. This wasn't where he was supposed to shine. He walked out of the audition room, and Owen was called in.

Owen really could not have come out sooner. Curt was anxious. What had he just done? He had given it his best because he thought that the best that could get him was ensemble. Was it going to get him more? Was he ready for more? He was past the point of no return, but... God, what had he just done? Owen came out of his audition, smug and content with himself. Apparently they'd asked him to read multiple sides. Curt hadn't the heart to tell him they'd asked him to read for the lead. A few days passed. Curt almost forgot that he'd even auditioned. That it had been so successful. Basking in the California sun could do that to you. But three days later, it all came back to him all too vividly.

"Curt, I got the email!" Owen announced from where he was lazing on the couch across from Curt in their hotel room. He sat up quickly, eager.

"What does it say?" Curt asked eagerly, sitting up with him. Owen scrolled down on his phone.

"Well... I'm in the show..." Owen furrowed his brows. "But... not in the role I thought. I got Deadliest Man Alive."

"Oh." Curt frowned. "I'm sorry. I know you really wanted the lead."

"It seemed like a juicy part." Owen hummed, still a bit dazed by the rejection. "I was looking forward to it."

"I know, babe." Curt sighed, getting up and wrapping his partner in a hug. "Maybe this one will be even juicier!"

"Maybe..." Owen nodded. "Thank you, love. For trying to make me feel better."

"Yeah, no problem!" Curt smiled softly.

"Did you get your email?" Owen asked.

"I... haven't checked." Curt admitted.

"Well go on, then! Sit! We'll check together!" Owen urged him. Curt sighed, sitting beside him and opening his email. Owen peered over his shoulder. The email from the Tin Can Bros was the first one that popped up right at the top. "Open it, Curt!"

"Okay..." Curt chuckled nervously, pressing the email to open it. He scrolled down, sighing in relief. "I got in, O."

"Congratulations!" Owen cheered, grinning. he was genuinely happy for Curt, and excited to be in the same show. "What role?"

"Let me scroll down..." Curt chuckled, before his heart stopped. Naturally, his laughter stopped with it, and his face fell.

"Love, what is it?" Owen furrowed his brows, concerned by the sudden mood shift. Immediately, his mind went to the worst-case scenario. "Curt, is there anything in there indicating that we might be compromised?"

"No..." Curt shook his head, staring at the role.

"Then... darling, what's wrong?" Owen blinked, before looking over his shoulder. His face fell to a state of shock almost equal to Curt's when he read the words, bolded on the screen: We would like to offer you the role of 'JB', renamed Agent Curt Mega. "Oh..."

_________________________________________________

Rehearsals for Spies Are Forever were potentially one of the best times Curt had ever had. Everyone loved him! Apparently, his voice was much better than he'd given himself credit for, as was his acting. Even Owen admitted it. It turned out Curt was perfect for the role. The songs fit right for him, the personality was spot on... the spy was even gay! It was as though it was written specifically for him to perform. Curt truly was having the time of his life. And Owen was loving the role of Deadliest Man Alive. It turned out it was a significantly juicier role than Curt's- funny, dark. And he even had a minor side comedic role to take on, Dick Big. So he could flex his chops in different area. There was a bit of a minor complication with the characters, though.

It turned out Curt's was not the only name that they'd liked. The Tin Can Bros had thought Owen's name was absolutely perfect... for Curt's partner turned villain. Romantic partner turned villain, to boot. They liked the ship name Curtwen. Ironically, both Owen and Joey were playing versions of Agent Owen Carvour- Owen playing him when he was in disguise as Deadliest Man Alive, Joey playing him out of disguise. Owen didn't make a fuss- he couldn't in the position he was in. But he didn't like being portrayed that way, or his name being used that way. The truth was, Owen had used to be morally grey. He'd had a phase where he'd almost betrayed his country and Curt. He'd very nearly done some terrible things. He wouldn't way who for, but Owen had implied it might have been Chimera. But he and Curt had worked through that, and he saw the error of his ways. It hurt seeing his name associated with villainy again. But for the sake of the mission, he literally could not complain.

As for the mission, they weren't really getting too far yet- and that wasn’t for lack of effort. As hard as finding a balance between rehearsal and espionage was, they’d managed to find a routine and stick to it. The work they were doing really should have been productive for them. They'd bugged all three writers and the two composers, but HQ (who was monitoring those so that the boys could focus on rehearsing so that they didn’t become too suspicious) was saying that they'd not gotten any suspicious activity from those except for Joey constantly being with an unidentified girl. But it seemed like that was his girlfriend and not another operative. So either this operative was smart and onto them or taking a hiatus from their work. Background checks were pretty clean. They were going purely off their interactions with these writers, which wasn’t really helping. All five of them were lovely. All five of them were also extremely smart. And all five of them had acting experience. Right now, though... Joey, Clark and Pierce weren't their main suspects. Joey was just too genuine to be bad, as were Pierce and Clark. Plus, if we're looking at technicalities (as Owen tended to), Clark and Pierce were composers, not writers. It was between Brian and Corey- unless something changed. Truly, it was anyone's game.

Owen and Curt were on break. It had been a hard day of rehearsal so far. Curt had just had to rehearse his pseudo-love-song with Mary Kate (who was lovely, but he was a bit jealous of- Owen had called her 'gorgeous' on multiple occasions now), and though it wasn't physically or musically demanding it was hard not to just start laughing. Especially with Curt, a gay man who had experienced this before. And Lauren played his meddling mother during the song, which only made it harder not to laugh. His own mother had no idea what he did or who he was seeing, and it was better that way. She just thought he was a single banker. He liked Lauren’s version of his mom better. She was way funnier. It had taken a bit of time just to get a run in where Curt wasn't giggling the entire time. The song was just so well written! He knew it was so unprofessional (and Owen had certainly reminded him of that) but he couldn't help it! And the Bros were laughing with him, so it was all good. He was glad to be on break, because his sides were killing him. He scrolled through his phone, checking for anything from HQ, before he felt a hand on his back.

"You know, Curt, I don't know if I've told you this lately but you're really, really great!" Joey told him.

"Thanks, man." Curt chuckled. "Thanks for the opportunity!"

"Thank you for coming out for our show!" Joey smirked. His voice dropped to a lower volume. “Listen... you and Owen are dating, right?”

"Yeah..." Curt furrowed his brows. He and Owen had chosen to be open about that. They were all pretty supportive of the LGBTQ+ community. The actor playing Susan and The Informant had even confessed to him that they thought they might be nonbinary- maybe even female leaning. 

"Okay, so for the whole anniversary thing..." Joey fidgeted a bit nervously. "I mean... I've got an anniversary coming up, and, like, it's not my first, but... I think I’ve used every trick in the dating book at this point, and-"

"Wait, you're dating?" Curt blinked.

"Oh! Right, you're new!" Joey started to laugh. "Um... yeah! It's me and Lo."

"You and Lauren?" Curt smirked. He chuckled. "I knew it!"

"We're not public about the relationship yet, though, so... keep it quiet?" Joey pleaded.

"Oh yeah, you're safe." Curt assured him.

"So... any ideas?" Joey asked. “I really want this to be special for her.”

"Have you guys done the beach yet?" Curt offered. "Like, just a picnic- something you both love to eat- out on the beach."

"Yeah, did that two years ago." Joey sighed.

"Alright... how about a museum?" Curt offered. "It can be any museum that has something the two of you could bond over. But... I mean, Owen is super into experiencing art together."

"That we haven't done... not by ourselves on a date." Joey considered. "It doesn't even really have to be art, does it?"

"Nah, that's the beauty of museums! There are museums out there for everything." Curt smirked. “Maybe you two could go to a movie museum.”

"That’s probably more our speed.” Joey chuckled. “Thanks, man!”

"No problem.” Curt winked playfully. Then, he got an idea. He trusted Joey, so hopefully this worked. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

"I mean, I kinda owe you one." Joey chuckled. “Ask away!”

"Have you noticed anyone... acting a bit weird? Like... different from the way they usually do." Curt whispered.

"I... think I know who you mean." Joey nodded. "With Mary Kate... I think she honestly just misses Sean, you know? The rehearsals are a long time for her to be away from him. Those two are so close."

"Yeah... yeah, that must be hard on her." Curt hummed sympathetically. That... wasn't what he'd been going for.

"But I don't know what's going on with Brian." Joey confided in him. "I mean, it's not like he's been acting weird, per se, but... I mean, he always used to be down to just hang after work. But recently, he's been too busy to do that? I honestly thought it was just me who was picking up on that, but like... you're noticing it too?"

"Yeah. Yeah I am." Curt lied, all the sympathy he could muster in his tone. Bingo. He'd just gotten some really, really good intel there. If there was anyone who would be able to know when one of the writers was acting shady, it was Joey. They were his best friends. And Curt tended to agree with Joey anyways. Corey just didn’t give off villain vibes. Neither did Brian, but out of the two of them, Brian gave off more. “Glad it’s not just me.”

"What's he saying about me?" Brian rolled his eyes playfully, approaching his bag from behind them to grab something. Shit. He must have heard his name. 

"Uh..." Joey blushed.

"Oh, he was just telling me about how you two met." Curt lied. Joey gave him a questioning look. But Curt remembered him mentioning it in another one of his longwinded vents. "U of Michigan, Freshmen year. You two got into a lot of trouble."

"He's not telling you any of the bad stuff, is he?" Brian teased.

"Nah, man- I respect the bro code!" Joey scoffed playfully. Curt gave Joey a wink, and Joey gave him a grateful look in return. The wink hadn't gone unnoticed by Brian though.

"Oh god, he is telling you the bad stuff, isn't he?" Brian groaned playfully. "Listen, if Lauren asks, none of it was us."

"Oh don't worry... I'm great with secrets." Curt chuckled. He kinda wanted context now. Knowing those two, it was nothing serious- Joey had a heart of gold. He wouldn't be involved in anything bad. Especially not with his soon-to-be-girlfriend. So probably pranks, or other such shenanigans.

"Guys... I already knew it was you." Lauren rolled her eyes. None of them had noticed her by her own rehearsal bag picking up her water bottle. "It was so obvious... I may have believed you when you blamed Holden like... once? Twice? But you literally signed off half of the time."

"We did?" Joey blinked, looking at Brian.

"Okay, look, some of the time... I was pretty proud of our work." Brian defended himself.

"Dude!" Joey started to snicker. "And here I was keeping secrets from my girlfriend for you!"

"Sorry, Joey." Brian winced. 

“Eh, I guess I have to forgive you.” Joey rolled his eyes, chuckling. “You’re my best friend.”

“Hey, what’s that?” Lauren asked, noticing a pink piece of paper sticking out of Curt’s rehearsal bag. Curt blushed profusely. That was the letter Owen had written to pick him up. he took it everywhere with him in case he panicked so that he could read it, remember those days and calm down. It helped. He’d meant to keep it hidden. 

“Oh... it’s nothing.” Curt lied. 

“It’s not nothing, is it?” Lauren smirked. She gave him a genuine look. “Is it personal?”

“Oh, it’s nothing too bad.” Owen chuckled. Curt blushed further, feeling Owen wrap his arms around his waist. When had he gotten there?”

“What’s going on over here?” Corey asked, joining them. It seemed they had formed a rather large clump. 

“I think Lauren might be about to read the first letter I ever wrote to Curtis.” Owen smirked triumphantly, clearly not embarrassed by that prospect. 

“Ooooo romantic!” Tessa teased Curt. When had she shown up? God, for a spy, Curt was not very observant. He took a brief look at his surroundings. Ah. Everyone was there. Fantastic. 

“Oh hell yeah I am!” Lauren smirked. She plucked the paper out of Curt’s bag. 

“Oh god...” Curt groaned. 

“You okay with this?” Corey checked with Curt. Curt nodded reluctantly. 

“I mean, as long as O is.” Curt sighed, relenting.

With that, Lauren used the rest of their break to overdramatically read out Owen’s letter. Curt was a blushing mess, and Owen was grinning like an idiot. Evidently he was proud of himself- as he should have been. It was a good letter. At least Curt and Owen now had an idea of who to look into: Brian Rosenthal. It was a bit odd to think that Brosenthal might be a Chimera operative. He was a funny, quirky... he didn’t seem ruthless enough. Maybe they were wrong. But this was literally all the intel they could get at the moment. Mind you, they needed concrete evidence before they could actually do anything, but... at least they had a lead. Even if it was a weird one. The thing about espionage was that leads were usually weird. So they... well, they managed to bug all of the writers’ houses a bit more to give HQ more to work with, but especially Brian’s. That way the minute they had solid evidence, they could act. Well... not the minute. More like within about twenty minutes. But same difference. There was nothing else they could do. 

________________________________________________

Nothing happened through the rest of the rehearsal process. Literally nothing. No one did anything suspicious. Honestly, Curt and Owen were starting to think that their superiors were wrong. They were performing their shows- with excellent reception, might they add. People were loving Curt. The real Curt Mega was getting huge acclaim on Curt’s behalf. And the fans... well they were going mad. It was looking like the show would be a huge success- which meant two things. One, Curt was going to have to do more theatre. Cleary he was good at it. Two, his life as a spy was about to get more... complicated. IT turned out these guys had a bit of a cult following because they had been involved with a theatre group called Team Starkid? Curt knew about them from his mission briefing, but honestly he’d never thought that they were that big of a deal. When he’d confessed that to Owen he’d gotten a long lecture. Apparently Owen was also a fan, and that was half of why he was so excited to be doing this show. But that was a topic for another time. 

It was about the third show in when they finally got the evidence they had been looking for. It... was not when they’d planned to find anything. Actually, it was at the least convenient time. Between acts. It was also in the least expected way. Curt had to get his props for the top of Act Two. Owen decided to go with him, mostly to make sure he wasn’t a total and utter child. Honestly, they just meant to get their props before places. They were the only ones in that area backstage- the stagehands were resetting the stage and helping with costume changes/ tech issues. Well, they thought they were the only ones backstage. They should have been. But it turns out that someone else had anticipated the lack of people, and was using that to his advantage. At first, all Curt and Owen could hear were murmurs- not distinguishable in the slightest. Bey both gave each other a look before pulling out their real guns (which they hid on their costumes just in case) and following the sound. And that was when they saw him. The culprit behind all of this: Bri- Corey Lubowich? They lowered their guns a bit, staying dead quiet. That wasn’t what they’d been expecting. {erhaps this was a false alarm. 

“I am in the middle of a- no, I get that my work with you is important! Believe me, I know!” Corey hissed. “I just... tonight is one of my shows! I’m going on as the Prince! I- well can it wait half an hour? I mean I’d prefer two hours, but if I have to whip out my laptop backstage, I- well I’m kinda insisting on- come on, you guys know my theatre is important to me!”

“Okay... so we were wrong...” Owen whispered. 

“We don’t know that...” Curt reasoned. “It could be his family.”

“Of course I’m loyal! When have I not done what you said? I have sacrificed so much for you!” Corey fumed quietly. “Chimera is my life now! Not theatre, not my family or friends. Chimera! Do you know how fucking weird that is for someone my age?! I’m too young for all this corporate shit! No! No, of course that’s not what I’m saying just- can I have my night? Come on, this is really important.”

“Okay, I take that back.” Curt blinked, stunned. He was just a bit too loud. Corey’s head snapped in their direction, and both men raised their guns. Corey’s eyes fumbled, and he pulled out a gun of his own, haphazardly aiming it at them. 

“Okay... shit, guys, I’m going to have to call you back... we’ve got a situation.” Corey muttered. His face fell and he rolled his eyes, unimpressed. “No, not a theatre situation. An us situation. I’ll fill you in- look, they have guns. Just- I really don’t have the time for this anymore- NOT MY JOB WITH YOU! This conversation! Jesus, I’ve got two guns pointed at me! Let me go! Okay, fine! Bye!”

“You...” Curt spat, glaring at Corey. 

“You guys finally figured it out...” Corey sighed, raising his gun fully at them. 

“You know who we are?” Curt blinked. 

“How?” Owen asked him coldly. 

“Chimera has eyes and ears everywhere.” Corey rolled his eyes. “Just like in the show. I knew you were coming, and I knew you were looking for me. I just didn’t think you’d actually find me.”

“Are you insulting our intelligence?” Owen scoffed. 

“No. I just thought I set up Brian pretty well.” Corey admitted. “It was pretty easy, too... all I had to do was point out to Joey that Brian wasn’t coming to as many of our hangouts as he used to. You trusted Joey. Joey relayed that to you. Threw you completely off my scent.”

“Yeah, aren’t you just the friend of the year.” Curt rolled his eyes. “You threw your bro under the bus.”

“You’re lucky we didn’t get a false tip-off and eliminate him.” Owen hummed in agreement. “You’ve no clue the kinds of things that could set our superiors off.”

“Well... It’s Brian. The chances of him doing anything sketchy are slim to none.” Corey reasoned. 

“Corey, I’m going to need you to put that gun down and put your hands behind your head.” Curt sighed. 

“Alright, guys, places!” Joey called out to them. Everyone was backstage- except, oddly, Lauren (who was usually pretty punctual on cues). Shit. Their timing was awful. “You can play with the... are those our prop guns?”

“No... those are too modern.” Brian furrowed his brows, approaching them to get a closer look. He blinked before stumbling back. “Holy shit, guys... are those real guns?”

“Yes, they are... and you’re going to need to stay back.” Curt told them levelly. “Lubowich, gun down, hands behind your head.”

“We outgun and outman you.” Owen reminded him. The fact that Corey was so reluctant was astounding. “And we have a license to kill if you don’t cooperate.”

“Okay, guys, what the fuck?!” Joey exclaimed. 

“Can we just... put the guns down and talk this out?” Tessa pleaded. 

“No... we can’t.” Curt shook his head. “My name is Agent Curt Mega, American Secret Service. My partner is Owen Carvour, MI6.”

“Our credentials...” Owen muttered, pulling them out with one hand and holding them out to Brian, who was closest. He hesitantly took them. Corey shot Owen while he wasn’t in peak position to shoot him. Curt shot Corey back with no hesitation. Neither shot was fatal, Corey’s hitting Owen in the arm and Curt’s hitting Corey in the shoulder. The impact was enough to make both men stumble back. Owen stayed on his feet, but Corey fell. Curt kept his gun trained on Corey. 

“Holy shit, they’re not lying...” Brian mumbled. 

“Okay, Corey... what the actual fuck, man?!” Joey fumed, definitely feeling a bit betrayed. 

“Corey... why are you fighting the secret service?” Mary Kate asked coolly, trying to be the level-headed one. 

“He works for Chimera.” Curt told them, knowing they might not get a clear response from Corey for a bit. 

“The assholes who wouldn’t fund us?” Brian groaned. Corey grunted in admittance. “Come on, man! This just keeps getting worse and worse!”

“Okay, guys, I’m here. Sorry I took so-” Lauren started, rushing out. She saw the scene playing out and blinked. “Holy fuck! What’s going on?!”

“They’re actual fucking spies, Lo.” Joey hissed. “All three of them.”

“Pretty sure Curt and Owen are the good guys.” Brian added in a whisper. 

“Oh yeah, Curt and Owen are definitely the good guys.” Tessa gulped. 

“Corey is an agent for Chimera.” Curt explained. 

“Please tell me this is an elaborate prank.” Lauren chuckled nervously. 

“No, Lo... this time it’s real.” Joey sighed. 

“Okay, but... Chimera’s just a huge global corporation, right?” Mary Kate reasoned. 

“Not really.” Corey croaked out. 

“They’re plotting world domination.” Owen grunted. 

“Corey...” Joey breathed. 

“World domination makes it sound bad.” Corey grimaced. “We more just want control over every world government... and then maybe to take all of them out and form one Chimera government.”

“That doesn’t make it sound any better.” Tessa winced. 

“Why?” Brian asked Corey, hurt. “Why are you doing this?”

“Honestly, I just needed a bit of extra money in college.” Corey muttered, trying and failing to find his footing. Clearly he wasn’t a field agent too often. 

“So you turned to espionage?!” Lauren scoffed incredulously. 

“Honestly I started as a delivery boy and then I found out some shit I should never have known...” Corey sighed. “It escalated really quickly.”

“God, this is a mess.” Joey groaned. 

“Curt, love, can you give our superiors a ring?” Owen prompted him. “I’ll deal with our former friend here.”

“On it.” Curt nodded, pulling out his phone. 

“So... do we stop the show?” Brian asked Owen as he pulled out a zip-tie- another essential item Owen always kept on him, even in costumes.

“Oh no... the A.S.S. is the epitome of discretion. Believe me, you’ll have no clue what’s going on. Just see if you can find a friend in the audience to go on for The Prince.” Owen told them, tying up Corey and forcing him onto his feet. “Owen will take him outside and... he should honestly be ready to go on after We Love The Prince.”

“Holy shit... okay...” Lauren sighed. 

“I’ll make an announcement that we’re having technical difficulties...” Joey planned. “Let’s, um... just take a moment to breathe and get back into the right headspace.”

“We’ll be back in a moment.” Curt told them as he and Owen took Corey outside. 

“Rot in hell, you asshole!” Brian called after him, sniffing. Was he... crying? You know what, it was completely fair. That was one hell of a betrayal. 

So Curt and Owen passed Corey onto their superiors, and Spies Are Forever was able to go on. They got Nick Lang to play The Prince, which only made the fans more excited. Curt and Owen were allowed the opportunity to finish their run with the show- which Curt was so, so grateful for. He loved theatre. he never thought he would, but he loved it. And Owen loved that he loved it. Spies are Forever was the first of many shows for Curt. He got into the habit, like Owen, of doing shows between missions. In fact, he actually got to make Owen a little jealous later on- he got into a Starkid show. Mind you, they knew who he was. Fully this time. They even supported him- helped him build a public backstory. The real Curt Mega’s wife even played wife to him publicly when she needed to. It was a new start in Curt’s life and one that he hadn’t even known he needed. Finally, everything seemed like it was okay.

[qqueenofhades]

The photo set you reblogged of Yusuf and Niccolo helping throughout time just filled me with so many happy feels and it made me realize that it seems so common in media with immortal couples that they take breaks from each other and reconnect after a few decades. Which is a great trope but seeing these two that seems to have been attached at the hip since the day they met just fills me with all the heart eyes.

(I haven't read your fanfics for them yet. I know I'm a bad fan but if it helps I havent been able to read anything since all this started but while writing this ask I got the feeling that all this rambling I spewed out is a big theme)

Hush. Bad fan nothing. We all are coping with this stupid, awful year in different ways, some of us by escaping into fandom and some of us being unable to engage with it and some of us doing both or anything else. You certainly don’t owe me or anyone any obligation to interact with our content, fic or otherwise. So just to have that there on the top. You’re good, hun. :)

ANYWAY, thank you for giving me a chance to meta a bit on the boys and their relationship and to have a window into what my brain looks like pretty much 24/7 these days. (I blame them.) I keep thinking about all the ways this couple is depicted in the TOG film and how lovely it was and how unusual it is for me to have an OTP where I actually love them in canon and don’t need to violently disavow it in order to create AU fan content with just the characters. (See: Timeless, Game of Thrones, pretty much any show I’ve hyperfixated on at some point.) I love AUs anyway, because that’s the way my brain works, but the fact that I can also enjoy canon just as much is rare for me and for a lot of us. I saw a post somewhere remarking on how the fanfic for Joe/Nicky isn’t fixing anything, which is usually the point of transformative fanworks: we take something that canon atrociously fucked up and fix it. But in this case, all our interpretations are based on actually appreciating the way they’re presented in canon and wanting to enjoy that and uphold it, and that -- especially with a couple like this one -- is shocking??

Like. Despite my historian gripes about the occasionally incongruous details for their graphic-novel backstories (which are the only things I HAVE fixed in my fics), I’m just... deeply appreciative of the care which everyone, writers and actors and all else, put into depicting Joe and Nicky and their relationship. And god YES, one of the things I love the absolute MOST is that they’re a loving, faithful, committed, happy married queer couple over centuries, and that seems to be the case for as long as they’ve known each other/ever since they got together. (See Booker’s “you and Nicky always had each other.”) These fools can’t sleep apart from each other even when they’re stuck on a freight train in the middle of nowhere, they flirt like teenagers at dinnertime and even when they’re strapped to gurneys in a mad-scientist laboratory, they make out to enrage bad guys and also because they’re just still that goddamn into each other after all this time.

I think it was Marwan Kenzari who pointed out that there’s simply no way to truly state the depth of their knowledge and devotion and commitment to each other. They’re 950 years old. They have known each other since they were in their thirties; they’ve been husbands for literal centuries. There is no way anyone else in the world could possibly come close to replicating the kind of bond they have with each other, and neither of them have ever had any inclination to look, because why would they? Especially with the fact that queer couples in media, even otherwise sympathetically portrayed ones, often have Drama and Third Parties and Promiscuity and whatever else (because of the tiresome old canard that Gays Equal Hypersexualized!), and Joe and Nicky don’t need or want ANY of that. There’s no urge to make their relationship a cheap source of soap-opera conflict. It’s the rock and the center and the core of both of their lives, and everything they do stems from that.

There have been some great metas/comments on how neither Joe and Nicky are sexualized, they dress like stay-at-home dads during quarantine (Marwan Kenzari and Luca Marinelli are both objectively gorgeous men, and they’re out there looking like that, god bless), and the viewer is never invited to goggle at or fetishize their relationship. There are no leering or exploitative camera angles on anyone, and their expressions of love aren’t posed or intended to titillate the audience, they’re just solidly embodied and natural and lived in. It’s never bothered to be stated clunkily in dialogue that they’re a couple; we just see them exchanging looks and smiles in the early part of the film, and then we see them spooning on the train after the mission in Sudan, which confirms it.

At every turn, the narrative celebrates the kindness and love shared by the Immortal Family, the individual characters, and Joe and Nicky, especially and explicitly in queer form. The villains of the film are also defined by how they react negatively to that love. @viridianpanther​ had a great meta on how Keane as a villain is especially set up to menace Joe and Nicky as the narrative representation of toxic masculinity, aggressive heterosexuality, and the usual “Kill Your Gays” trope that we’ve all come to wearily expect. But instead, after that scene where Joe and Nicky fight Keane, Nicky is shot and comes back to life in Joe’s arms rather than dying permanently like we probably all momentarily expected, and then Joe gets to FUCKIN’ BREAK THE NECK of the guy who enacted that violence.... good GOD. The first time I watched it, I almost couldn’t believe it was happening. (This goes for the whole film, but especially that scene.) Like... when do we get that?? When do we EVER get that???

Obviously, there are so many stereotypes, whether visually or in behavior or character traits, that could have been assigned to a gay Italian character (excessively dramatic, effeminate, fashionable, etc) or a gay Arabic/Muslim character (explicitly announcing He’s Not Like Those Muslims, having to actively reject his heritage to make him more palatable to westerners, being tormented over being gay, etc) and Joe and Nicky subscribe to none of those. I get very emotional about Joe referring to Nicky as the moon when he is lost during the truck scene partly because it’s SUCH a common motif in Arabic love poetry. To call someone your “moon” is a beautiful way to say they’re the light of your life, and since the Islamic calendar is obviously lunar and the holidays, months, and observances, are set by the phases of the moon, this also has a deeper religious significance.

I don’t know for sure if they did that on purpose, but it it’s a lovely and subtle way of showing us how Joe clearly doesn’t have an issue with being both queer AND Muslim, and is able to draw on both facets of that identity in a way that a lesser narrative would have denied him. And that is just really wonderful. Yes, we’re seeing these characters when they’ve had centuries to settle into themselves, but there are plenty of writers who would have forced those conflicts artificially to the surface, rather than letting them be long in the past. It’s the same way when you watch a film set in the medieval era, it wants you to know that it Is Set In The Medieval Era. Cue the filth, misogyny, racism, violence, etc! Rather than it being a lived-in reality, it has to be jarringly drawn attention to, and I’m just so glad they didn’t do that with Joe and Nicky. And for them to have met in the crusades and fallen in love??! Come on. That’s just rude. Rude to me, personally.

Anyway, this was a rather long-winded and feelsy way of saying that these characters are constructed, acted, and written organically in such a way that you hate to even THINK of them being separated, and it’s not because they can’t function without each other, but because they are two halves of a whole. We also see that the characters themselves can’t stand being forced apart: Joe’s freakout in the truck scene when Nicky briefly won’t wake up, Nicky making sure to tell Joe that he’s glad he’s awake in the lab, the whole post-Keane fight scene that I talked about above, the way Nicky fights ferociously to get to Joe when Merrick’s stabbing him, etc. For that to be given to the queer couple, where the strength of their love and devotion is reinforced as one of the emotional goals of the story, and for that queer couple to be written in the way that Joe and Nicky are, both individually and as a unit, is just so very rare.

Because yes, there’s plenty of drama and angst and pain in their lives, but there’s none at all in their relationship, and that’s what fans keep telling TV writers the whole time: they WANT to see the couple confront things as a unit, rather than being kept on tenterhooks the whole time and forced to go through manufactured or artificial drama. It would feel especially wrong for Joe and Nicky, who have known and loved each other for 900 years. The fact that their respective actors also put so much care and love into them is very obvious, and makes me feel even luckier that they’re played by people who clearly get them and honor them and know what they’re doing.

Basically: of course Joe and Nicky have been with each other the whole time, and of course we’re all drowning in feelings over it, and I feel very blessed that this ship exists, and I very much need the sequel ASAP. Thanks.

[thetaylorfiles]

To your anon asking about TTB promises. She promised no second wedding, no male pronouns or male love interests on Lover, a coming out, Karlie leaving in August, no Josh at holidays, no way they go to awards, absolutely would she not include him in her documentary because it woul be about coming out. The list is rather long. The truth is people left over stopped calling her out on always being wrong. And every month for the last 2 years dont worry, its almost over the girls are fine.

Wow. Great memory.

Let’s list all of TTBs lies, promises and predictions that never came true. For posterity.

TTB promised there would be:

[[MORE]]

1. No Joshlie wedding. At all. And no second Joshlie wedding. (Both happened!)

- in fact the plan, according to TTB was: to gently introduce Kaylor to the public.

- announce engagement > call off engagement > have Taylor be seen providing emotional support to a heartbroken Karlie > after a while, explain that spending time together amid this upset made them realize they were more than just friends!

Oops. Never happened.

2. No male pronouns on Lover (several songs with male pronouns!)

3. No male love interests on Lover (clearly a male interest in Lover. And no, London Boy isn’t satire. It’s tongue in cheek)

4. Karlie being “free” in August each and every year. (and many, many more times)

5. No Josh at holidays.

(Yet somehow they seem to be together for thanksgiving and NYE and several Jewish holidays every single year.)

6. Joe and Taylor not attending awards shows together (so far they’ve attended: Golden Globes, Cats premiere, and NME awards)

7. Joe not being included in the documentary (Taylor literally runs into his arms backstage)

8. The documentary would be about Taylor coming out

I remember (and edited to add other peoples recollections)

9. Taylor was supposed to come out after Rep tour was over.

10. Taylor was supposed to come out the day she announced her new single “ME!” In fact, the announcement was meant to be her coming out, but instead was her new single.

11. Joe would be gone before Rep Tour

12. Joe would be gone after Rep Tour.

13. Joe would be gone before Lover Promo

14. Joe would be gone after Lover release.

15. Karlie would be free from Josh literally too many times to count. She always says that the contract is up in August. Then she says Karlie re-ups.

16. Taylor was going to come out on the last day of Pride month but scrapped those plans and instead released her statement about Scooter and Scott. That the masters changed everything so she couldn’t come out.

Now, had she intended to come out, and changed her mind that very last day upon learning of the master sales, she would’ve had to:

- add 4 new songs about a male

- chang all pronouns on lover from “her” to “him”

- remanufacturing every copy (how many DNAs did that need)

- create and chang diary entries

- all this would’ve had to be done whiles Taylor spent the first week of July with her friends on vacation. And while Karlie was on a yacht with Scooter, posting several instagrams documenting it.

- Then she went straight into filming ‘Lover’ video with a man. All this in a matter of a week or two, while on vacation, right before Lover came out. (Thanks to the anon for help!)

17. She claimed Karlie never followed Joe, when in fact, she did after K’s Rep concert. A week later, she unfollowed him. Also her sisters and Josh unfollowed Taylor in that same time frame.

18. She claims that when a beard wears blue, a breakup will occur and Taylor will be free of her contract. That Taylor plans it this way. TTB has said the inevitable breakup is going to happen when Joe wears blue numerous times yet this has never come to fruition.

19. Any time there is an article about Joshlie or Joe and Taylor, ttb claims its ALWAYS “seeding” a breakup. Yet, the breakup never, ever comes. (And no one in entertainment uses the phrase “seeding”. That’s a pure conspiracy theorist term. Like “crisis actor”).

20. She once promised a nervous anon that Josh and Karlie would never actually marry. They’d only be faux engaged to make it all seem real.

21. Claimed that Karlie and Josh didn’t go to New Zealand together over the New Year. Said Josh went alone and Karlie only flew in one day to take all the pics with him- in multiple clothing changes- to get all the pics necessary for the “stunt”. Even though everyone outside of Kaylorland already believes they’re a married couple and the “stunt” got zero publicity.

22. TTB claimed many times no beard would ever attend an important event or red carpet with Taylor. Then Joe went to the Golden Globes with her, then the Cats premiere, and then the NME awards. Oops! Wrong each and every time.

23. When Joe and Taylor vacationed in the Turks and Caicos TTB claimed Joe was flown in for a quick photoshoot and flown right back out. Except the next day, he was still there and there were new pictures.

24. Claimed for MONTHS after the Joshlie wedding that it was a “photoshoot”, not a wedding. That it would soon show up in Vogue. Then it was Vogue Brazil. (The wedding was never in a magazine)

25. She also claimed it was all a giant ad for Dior. The photoshoot would be one big advertisement for Dior. (The wedding was never an ad anywhere for Dior)

26. After several Vogue magazines came and went after, TTB claimed that Josh was having the article and photoshoot put on hold so that they could release it at a time that Trump made a big gaffe and Josh would need good press. The idea being that if Trump messes up, this somehow reflects badly on Josh, though it never has.

27. TTB and Kaylors claim that the reason why Karlie and Taylor stopped hanging out in public was so as not to tarnish Taylor’s reputation by being associated with Trump. Yet, Kelle went backstage at Rep after Trump was elected.

Anyone who knows about magazines or has seen the documentary The September Issue knows that the magazine layout is planned months in advance and articles and photo shoots are put in in a timely manner. Someone like Josh would have no bearing on getting to hold it back. (The wedding never showed up in any magazine and Trump made gaffes constantly).

28. TTB also claimed that they were no longer being seen in public anymore so that the public would start to ask and wonder why they weren’t “friends” anymore. Which would “seed” a coming out story.

29. Ttb claims she’ll have definitive proof this Monday, 9/7/20/, in the form of “tea” she’s been dangling in front of her followers for months now, that will prove the existence of Kaylor.

And she posted a submission that proved absolutely nothing! Just a screenshot of Karlies insta story from May that shows the reflection of one open white umbrella and one closed white umbrella. Apparently Taylor has two white umbrella near her pool in Beverly Hills. Ttb believes this is definitive proof that Karlie and Taykor have been together in LA for months.

This was wholly underwhelming and easily disputable. Taylor’s jet has been in Utah, with Joe posting a few pics of him hiking there. Her jet has also been in RI. Then the jet went to England. While the jet doesn’t prove Taylor wasn’t in BH the whole time, it sure does make it much more likely than a reflection in glass of an umbrella.

30 TTB claims that josh posted an Instagram on 9/3 of a sunset to indicate the sun setting on his relationship with Karlie. A message sent to Kaylors. No divorce as of yet!

31. Going along with the above, TTB also claimed that she expects Joshlie to announce their divorce on 9/4/20 because it’s the slowest in the news cycle. A Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend. Yet, no divorce news and Trump calling fallen soldiers “lovers and suckers” is dominating the headlines.

32. Prior to the Kushner biography being released TTB predicted/promised that it would mention Josh’s homosexual proclivities in some way: the bearding or Mikey. And at the very least, it would paint him to be the giant criminal that she claims he is.

Instead it did nothing of the sort. It only talked about how strong his love for Karlie was. That despite his parents being unkind and unaccepting to her for several years, he stuck it out with her. It also addressed her conversion to Judaism.

33. Ttb likes to claim that Karlie never converted to Judaism. She says that because Karlie has never spoken the exact words “I converted” that it means she hasn’t. Despite the fact that many Jewish people have told her that when Karlie told Andy Cohen that she “joined the tribe” that, was, in fact, how Jewish people say they converted.

Karlie has also spoken at length in interviews and her own musings about her conversion. Ttb still refutes this and sometimes will post anons who write in questionable and anti Semitic references.

34. There was a period of time where TTB claimed that Josh needed Karlie as a beard in order to get an inheritance from an old aunt of his. This aunt stipulated in their will that he MUST be married to a woman in order to collect the money. Shockingly (to no one) TTB started claiming this right after josh and Karlie got married.

A few months later, the aunt and the inheritance disappeared never to be spoken of again. Which was absurd to begin with considering Josh is reportedly worth $800 million. Which could be off considerably, but even if it is? Even if he’s only worth $100 million? Yeah, he’s good. He doesn’t need an aunts inheritance.

35. These days (September of 2020) TTB is claiming that Karlie is staying with Josh in the contact for bearding willingly. This is a drastic change of narrative from years past when she claimed he was essentially blackmailing her to stay. For the Aunt inheritance, for not telling the world her and Taylor’s secrets, etc.

**** this hasn’t been updated in a few months. It’s now Dec. 1st. I’ll do my best to fill in a couple more below soon. There’s been a handful or two of lies that need to be recorded.****

36. People Mag announces that sources close to Karlie say she’s pregnant with Josh’s kid. Ttb refuses to believe it until Karlie herself confirms it, though in the past she has specifically stated that People is the one mag you can trust as publicists use it as a vehicle to get the truth out about their client.

36. Ttb stated emphatically and multiple times that IF Karlie is pregnant it CANNOT be a Kaylor baby because it would not tarnished by having a Kushner last name and being tied to that “organized crime” family. Nope. Taylor is in no way involved.

And now that Karlie has confirmed the pregnancy, what do uou know? Ttb conveniently changes her time, forgets all she’s said in the past and seems to be firmly on the “oh, it’s totally a Karlie/Tayklor baby. I thought so all along”.

Now, Karlie is there willingly. And when an anon asked whyC her answer was “it’s all part of the narrative.” As if that’s a sufficient answer.

37. TTB said Joe and Taylor’s career paths would never intertwine.

And now they’ve written 5 songs together. One on which he played the piano too.

There’s a lot more especially about Karlies pregnancy but I don’t have the time or energy to fill it in right now. Back soon to do it.

Anyone else remember anything specific? Let’s come up with a comprehensive list.

[shelby-love]

KELLY SEVERIDE

Good to be back.

Requested: yes

Prompts: none

Warnings: none

Authors note: Sorry for dissappearing! Writers block is an absolute b and it still isn't gone but I guess it's enough to get me back on track. Much love everyone! 💕

"Good luck sis." Your older brother says behind you. The deep breath you tried to hide pushed through and makes you exhale loudly. After turning your body to face him you make your way to hug him once more.

After a decade of being away from the magnificent city of Chicago, the one you were born in, you finally came back.

Firehouse 51 looks intimidating as you stand before it. "Alright. I'll see you at home."

Your brother leaves you be by entering the car and driving away. With your duffle bag thrown over your shoulder you start walking towards the massive house.

You see several vehicles parked in the driveway, one of them being your new ambulance vehicle. Your eyes roam around your surroundings.

"Hey can I help you somehow? I'm Joe." A good looking man comes up to you. His dementor is friendly and he makes you relax instantly.

"Yeah... Um actually I'm here as the new PIC. Ambulance 61?" You state, unsure if you actually came to the right house.

"Y/LN right? Yeah Chief told us. Come let me show you to his office." He starts walking rapidly fast while talking about all the rooms and people at the house. You struggle to keep up with the information so you decide to just watch and memorise the rooms.

"This is Connie. Connie this is our new PIC." He instructes you to the lady that sits at the desk. She looks really intimidating. She just shoots Joe a look and says, "I know. Hello Y/N. Welcome to firehouse 51."

When Joe tries to open the door Connie stops him, "He's busy right now. But he'll be done in a minute and th-"

Her words are cut off by the office door opening. Two men stride out wearing dark blue shirts meaning that they're lieutenants. The man that comes out second makes your heart beat faster instantly. He just seems really fimiliar to you.

When Kelly exited the office, the last thing he thought he would see was you. Literally the last thing.

"Y/N?" His mouth worked faster than his brain. All it took to get your mouth on the floor was him recognizing you after a decade.

He changed. A lot. He wasn't the boy you saw 10 years ago anymore. He grew up, handsomely too.

"Hey Kelly."

"Casey let's go I need to talk to you." He stated monotonous, acting like he didn't even know you anymore. Your name felt bitter in his mouth and you knew it.

As soon as the duo dissappeared Joe didn't try to hide his discomfort, "Well that was...wierd."

Joe wanted to comment more but his words were cut short by the bataillon chief. "Y/LN you can come in. Thank you Joe for showing her the way."

With a small salute Joe took this as his cue to leave. He wondered what was up with Severide, he never acted like that towards anyone new. When he saw him sitting at the squad table he debated whether to press him to get information or just stay put.

"Please Y/N take a seat. Make yourself comfortable." You couldn't really get comfortable until you got the green light from everyone...but after seeing Kelly you knew that wasn't going to be possible.

"I will keep this short. Leslie Shay is going to help you get settled in the ambulance but I'm sure you'll have no problem."

"Ambulance 61, truck 81, squad 3. Truck collision. South Clark 56."

Just great, you thought. Still not fully trusting your orientation in the firehouse you make your way outside with the chief. Once you spot Kelly next to the squad truck you hesitantly smile at him but he breaks contact and jumps inside.

"Hey I'm Shay? You okay if I drive?" A pretty blonde comes up to you. Your eyes are still locked on the squad truck and so the words slip just slip out. "Yeah sure."

"Oh my God! Finally someone with some sense," She rambles on happily while you sit in the passenger seat. "I mean it might take a while for you to get used to this... But take the wheel whenever you want! Or don't. Please don't. But I mean you can. Obviously..."

Fits of laughter overcome the nervousness in the ambo. "I'm Y/N."

Her eyes flash with something unknown to you. It's like she's trying to remember something... Or someone.

"Well nice to meet you partner." She smiles and makes a turn. "A little heads up. Collisions aren't that bad here in Chicago. We just have to squeeze into the vehicle. But don't worry! The guys make sure nothing happens to us."

Aren't that bad, she said.

Her words were proven to be false when you arrived at the scene. It was a terrible sight.

Two big loaded trucks smashed right into each other. The bigger truck now hanged over the cliff with the driver in his seat.

"Squeeze in you said Shay." You repeat her words and exit the ambo.

Where you lived you never had calls that big. You now doubted your abilities. Especially because you don't know anyone to ask for help except for Kelly who gave a honest impression that he doesn't like you anymore.

"Okay squad, truck, let's get them out!" A man who's uniform read Casey announced. You grabbed the jump bag and followed them. The man that didn't hang from a cliff seemed to be lost in his thoughts when you came to him.

"Y/N I got him." Shay suddenly appeared beside you. "They need you there."

Confused about her words you told her, "But I don't know them or how they work."

"You're the PIC though," She held the man's head to protect his neck. "Look I know about you and Kelly and trust me when I say that he'll come back to his senses soon. But you can't let that affect the job. Go!"

You didn't have to be told twice as you detached yourself from the truck and ran towards the huddle. "Where do you guys need me?" You asked. To your suprise Kelly ignored the tension and walked towards you.

"We need you inside with him he's in pretty bad shape." He explained and grabbed the ropes, his rough hands and strong arms connected you to his ropes securely. No matter how much you tried you couldn't ignore the different type of connection that was growing between you.

"I'm sorry I left Kelly." You spoke truthfully.

He glanced up at you before putting his hand behind your back and walking you through the plan. "Just be safe."

***

"Sir stay with me okay?!" You were trying to keep him stable while Kelly connected ropes to him as quickly as he could. He won't be able to make it unless you get him out now. "Kelly we don't have a lot of time!"

"Done! Cruz get him out now!!" Both squad and truck were trying hard to get him out without putting too much weight onto the hanging vehicle. After they get him out the two of you were next and until then you were stuck inside.

"You know I didn't have a choice?" You tell him. You want him to know you didn't just abandon what the two of you had.

"Y/N now is not the time."

Words were forming in you brain but before you could say them the weight of the truck shifted and the two of you sank with it. Before you could grab onto the rope your body shifted backwards and you almost flew through the broken window.

"Hey!" Kelly reached out and grabbed you. The look of fear in his eyes was evident and made you realise that this is the right time.

"You do realise we're only going to say what's on our mind not that we're closer to death than life?" Your words are meant to be a bit sarcastic and you voice is supposed to sound light but it turns out to be none of those things.

"Stop joking," Kelly sighs and helps you settle back in as carefully as possible. "You wanna know why I'm acting the way I am?"

You only nod.

"Because you left me when I wanted to tell how much I love you."

You're so struck by his words that you forget where you are.

"And because you left and made me think that I did something wrong."

He tries to avoid your eyes by looking back at the rest of the firefighters that are getting the patient safely on the ground.

"Kelly..."

"No forget it." He waves his hands but you aren't letting it go. Instead you do what you wanted to do for years and years. You lean in and kiss him.

With that one careful kiss you apologise for everything that happened.

You're scared Kelly will pull away but he only returns the kiss. He pulls away only when the other ropes arrive gives you his famous smile that made you fall for him all of those years ago.

"We're not done yet." He starts connecting more ropes to your body and the tension is higher than it ever was before. "You still have a lot to apologise for."

You wonder how to do it and smile.

Six words: It is good to be back.

MASTERLIST

[softbiker]

Steve Rogers Oneshot

Warnings: talk about body image/dysmorphia, past ED’s, veganism (idk if that’s a warning???)

Word Count: 3.2k

A/N: This is...very self-indulgent. But oh well. A continuation of the Agent 14 series, in which Steve finds another diet he wants to try and he needs some help getting started. As always, let me know what you think! 

Sam finds him one afternoon, staring into the glow of the open fridge, in full superhero stance with his feet planted wide. Nothing abnormal about super soldiers looking for a snack; those boys can really put it away. But this one looks like he’s conducting an interview with the refrigerator contents - in his hand is a small notepad, a worn down pencil stub poised over it, and Sam can see little scribbles and tally marks covering the page.

“Uh…Steve?”

“Hm?” Steve doesn’t turn around, but Sam can see his deep-set frown in profile, harsh refrigerator light illuminating his lowered brows.

“What’re you doing, man?” Sam takes a couple steps closer and peers around those massive shoulders into the offending appliance. “That your grocery list?”

Steve finally looks up, blinking. Absently, he taps the end of his pencil against his chin.

“No, not a grocery list,” he frowns. “I’m just…taking stock, I guess.”

“We do inventory of the fridge now?” Sam sidesteps him, reaching for the orange juice. He still drinks straight from the carton and Barnes can just kiss his sweet ass.

Steve ignores him, sparing only an eye roll in response.

“Don’t worry about it,” he sighs, in a way only Steve Rogers can sigh about groceries. “Just got an idea, that’s all.”

Sam sips his orange juice as he watches him leave the room, more worried by that phrase than anything else Steve could’ve said.

**********

“I’m sorry - you want us to what?”

Steve crosses his arms and gives Clint his most authoritative frown.

“I’d like us to try a plant-based diet,” he repeats, looking at the faces scattered around the common room. This little “family meeting” didn’t warrant using the conference rooms on the upper floors; he had let everyone get cozy after dinner, helped dig through the couch cushions for the remote, and then made his little announcement.

“That means vegan, right?” Natasha says from her armchair, eyes on her phone in her lap. She’d started googling as soon as he proposed this little challenge.

“Woah, woah - hold up,” Sam raises a hand, sitting forward on the couch. “I know you’re not asking me to quit eating meat, Rogers.”

“And dairy,” Steve confirms.

“Eggs, too,” Wanda adds helpfully.

“No meat?” 41’s fingers curl into her baggy bacon-print PJ pants. Her lower lip wobbles. “No-no ice cream?” She looks to Clint, who immediately folds his hand over hers.

“There are plenty of plant-based alternatives-” Steve starts, his tone soothing.

“Is this because of that documentary you watched?” Bucky grumbles. He’s leaning on the back of the couch, eyes narrowed at his long-time friend. “What was the name…the one about the athletes who don’t eat meat…”

“As a matter of fact, yes,” Steve glares back at him. “There’s plenty of evidence to suggest it gives them an edge in athletic performance, so why not-”

“Oh my god, Steve, we’re literally a team of superheroes,” Sam groans. “Earth’s mightiest heroes, and all that jazz. We’re already mighty! We don’t need this! I don’t need this!”

“That so?” Steve raises an eyebrow. One hand digging into his pocket, he produces the little notebook he was scribbling in a couple days before. “I’ve been making some notes-”

“Oh boy, here we go,” Clint mutters.

“In our fridge, the percentage of animal products is a little over 60% - that’s crazy high, guys.” Steve licks his lips, glancing at the skeptical faces around the room as he flips a page in his notebook. “Not only that, but as a whole, our consumption of takeout and highly processed foods has really gone up lately; the team ate a total of 23 meals from fast food restaurants in the last 2 weeks.”

“You’re monitoring our food, Rogers?” Natasha is looking at him now, though he almost wishes she weren’t. Her undivided attention is not for the faint of heart. Steve musters himself and pushes ahead.

“Look - let’s just try it, give it our best shot and then, in a month-”

“A month?” 41 cries, clutching Clint’s hand. “A whole month? But…but what about Bite?”

Oh. He’d forgotten. Sam and 41’s cherished food festival, held every July - a whole park full of food trucks, unlimited samples, live music. One of their photos from last year’s Bite was proudly displayed on the door of the fridge: 41 and Sam each chowing down on a massive bacon cheeseburger - a cheeseburger with Krispy Kreme donuts as the buns.

“Well…” he hesitates

“No. Uh-uh. No way.” Sam folds his arms across his chest and sinks back into the couch cushions. “There is no way you’re making us miss the best event of the year for another one of your health kicks.”

“Sam-”

“Besides! You and Tin Man can eat as much pizza as you want and still outrun a car,” Sam huffs.   “No reason to make the rest of us suffer through another one of your diets. Not to mention that I’m not interested in just eating salad and broccoli…that’s depressing.”

Shoulders falling, Steve sighs and drops his notebook in his lap.

“Okay, well. Sam has spoken,” he says, quirking an eyebrow. “Anyone else?”

“Mm, I’m with Sam on this one,” Bucky shrugs, unbothered by Steve’s answering look of betrayal. “Sorry, pal, I guess I just don’t see the point…and besides, we had to go hungry for half our childhood. I’m not gonna live on rations now.”

Steve folds his hands in his lap, staring down at his knuckles with what looks for all the world like a pout. Maybe he should’ve made the team watch the documentary first…that would’ve gotten them excited. Hell, even he was inspired - after all, if a non-enhanced guy could train to carry over a thousand pounds, surely there was some kind of benefit to this lifestyle.

“Alright, how about this,” he pulls his last card, his last idea. “If I can make a meal that will convince you vegan food is actually good, would you agree to try it for a little while?”

Sam and 41 turn towards each other; he raises an eyebrow, she responds with a shrug.

“We can accept these terms,” Sam agrees. “But you’re really gonna have to wow us.”

“Yeah,” 41 nods, settling in next to Clint. “Bring out the big guns.”

From his place behind the couch, Bucky’s shoulders quake with silent laughter.

“You really played yourself on this one, pal,” he chuckles, shaking his head. Reaching across the cushions, he gives 41 a comforting pat on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, squirt. Your ice cream isn’t going anywhere - I’ve known Steve for a long, long time…” He smirks at a now exasperated Steve.

“…and Steve Rogers can’t cook for shit.”

**********

Steve Rogers, in fact, cannot cook for shit. But he’ll be damned if that will stop him from trying.

He’s swiping through recipes and grocery lists on his Stark pad, wondering if baking his own bread would be as easy as it seemed, when the text comes through.

Hey soldier. I heard you were going on a diet. That true?

Steve snorts and chews his lip, thumbs hovering as he thinks over his reply.

Yeah, it’s about time I got in better shape.

Feeling a bit silly, he watches the little dots in the text bubble as she types back a reply, and tries not to feel too pleased with himself at the cluster of laughing emojis she sent.

Well, listen. I’ve been vegan for a while, actually, so if you need any help I’m here!

An eager leap in his heart, and his thumbs fly over the keyboard once more.

Oh, really? In that case…I’m not sure if I can really handle cooking by myself. I have a terrible track record in the kitchen.

Another laughing emoji. They didn’t teach you that in the army?

Shockingly no.

Someone (Wanda? Peter?) may have told him something about double texting, but he can’t help himself as he quickly follows up his text with another.

Anyways, I’m desperate. And the team is desperate for me to not burn down the tower, haha. Can you help a guy out?

Waiting for a reply, his knee bounces under his desk and he clicks the pen in his hand over and over, hardly hearing the annoying little noise as his thumb reflexively twitches on the button. When her response buzzes on his screen, he almost flinches.

Tell you what. Today is my day off, and I needed groceries anyway. Trader Joe’s in an hour?

**********                                                                                                   

“What on earth are those?” Steve stares incredulously at the basket. “And why are they…not orange?”

“They’re called Hawaiian sweet potatoes and they just grow that way,” 14 laughs as she reaches for a display of squash next to the potatoes.

“That’s not a sweet potato - I know what a sweet potato looks like,” Steve says, obstinate brows crowding together. Shaking her head, 14 just turns away from the squash towards the avocados on the opposite side of the produce aisle.

“Oh boy, you’re gonna learn a lot being vegan…” she sighs. She squeezes a couple of avocados, testing ripeness and feeling the size before she chooses two and adds them to one of her produce bags. With a satisfied nod, she settles her hands on her hips. “Okay, next on the list: tahini.”

Looking at the cart, Steve can’t tell what his dinner is going to be.

“Tahini? What are we gonna do with that?” He wonders what it is, too, but doesn’t ask.

“Eat it, Rogers.” Smirking over her shoulder, she grabs the front of the cart and pulls him along towards the condiments aisle. “What on earth would you do without me?”

“Die a carnivore, I guess,” he shrugs.

“Hm. Tragic.”

 **********                                                                                                  

“It’s practically foolproof - all you have to do is cook this, roast the sweet potatoes, and then we’re gonna throw it all in together.”

“Never underestimate my ability to totally ruin a meal.” Steve says, stirring the quinoa. An adorable scrunch wrinkles his nose as he turns to where she’s dicing the avocados. “Ask Bucky. Even army rations taste better than my cooking.”

“You must be very confident in yourself to admit that,” she smiles back. Cheeks warm, he turns back to the pan with a shrug.

Silence stretches between them for a few moments, the quiet of shared work - from the other room, they can hear the TV playing, occasional laughs from Sam and 41 as they catch up on episodes of Brooklyn 99. Outside the windows, the summer sun sinks steadily lower, golden hour glow illuminating the skyline and filtering into the kitchen. She’s barefooted, chipped blue polish on her toes, and her feet pad lightly across the tile floor as she moves her bowl of avocado chunks over to the island. The little sound makes his heart hungry.

“So,” he clears his throat. “How long have you been, uh, plant-based?”

“Hmm. I guess about 6 months or so?” She taps her fingers absently against the marble countertop as she thinks. “Yeah, that sounds right.”

“Wow. Why did you start?”

“Someone dared me,” she winks at him. “No, but really. A friend challenged me to do it with her for a month…and then I realized I felt great and didn’t miss the animal products so much.” She shrugs. “I had more energy, I felt stronger, my skin looked amazing - trust me, after a week, you’ll practically be glowing.” She flicks her hair over her shoulder with a melodramatic flair, rolling her eyes to the ceiling, a playful smile dimpling her cheeks.

He laughs with her, shaking his head. “Oh, thank god. My skin is a nightmare.” His sarcasm sparks her laugh again, and it inflates his chest even more. He feels light, easy, weightless as the dust motes floating through a sunbeam between them.

Her giggles die down when her phone timer buzzes, signaling her to check the roasting potatoes in the oven. Sidestepping him, she leans down carefully in front of the open door, waves of heat assaulting them both as she pokes and prods the vegetables with a spatula. “Perfect,” she closes the oven door with a satisfied nod. “Just a few more minutes. And it looks like that’s almost done, too.” She gestures to his pan and hands him a lid to cover it. “You can go ahead and turn the burner off - the water has cooked out, so we’ll just need to let it sit.”

With the rest of their ingredients prepped and waiting in a neat row on the island, they slide onto a pair of barstools as 14 sets another short timer on her phone. Steve takes a sip from his beer, leaning an elbow on the counter as he turns to face her.

“Have you always liked to cook?” he asks. In his mind, there are a million questions - they roll over each other, constantly trying to push their way out of his mouth, his overwhelming curiosity wishing he could crack open her shell through sheer force of will. Instead, he drums his fingers against the counter, picks at the label on his beer bottle, scratches his beard, and waits for her to speak.

“Oh, no, not at all,” she laughs at the question. She’s not facing him, but she smiles, fingers lightly tracing the stem of her wine glass. “Actually I used to hate it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Surprised?”

Steve is surprised - her kitchen confidence certainly impressed him. Not once has she consulted a recipe, or googled how long to roast potatoes in the oven, how to make lemon tahini sauce. Things that would’ve left him completely stumped and likely going hungry.

“A little. You really seem to know your way around a kitchen, that’s all.”

“Well…” she takes a deep breath, and he can see the shape of it forming in her mind: whatever it is she’s about to tell him, whatever she’s preparing to say - it matters. With a fortifying gulp of wine, she knots her fingers together and forges ahead. “I used to have a lot of…um, body image issues, you know? Super critical of myself, low self esteem…it got pretty bad for a while.” She doesn’t elaborate, because he doesn’t need to know and how could she even begin to tell it? Too many cups of coffee and too few meals, the feeling of a toothbrush in the back of her throat. It hurts her now, the memory of that girl who thought that making herself less would somehow make her enough. She reaches for the wine again. Steve stays quiet, his eyes watchful and soft. It hurts him, too.

“Yeah?” he murmurs.

“Yeah.” Glancing at him, she licks her bottom lip, before turning her eyes back down to her hands. “Anyway - cooking helped me learn how to actually take care of myself.” A half-hearted little shrug, a self-conscious smile. “That’s really all there is to it.”

He nods, holding her gaze, his eyes flicking back and forth between her own. Her shoulders curl where she sits a little hunched at the stool, bare feet tucked up on a bar that ran between the legs of the stool, one knee bouncing rapidly. A minute ticks by, then two, the kitchen gone quiet and warm, hazy with the smell of a good meal.

“You know, a long time ago, before I was…this-” He gestures to himself, his big shoulders and tree trunk thighs, the massive everything of him. “- before the serum, well, I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures. Or a documentary,” he smirks, a little rueful. “I was less than half the size I am now - short, skinny, no matter how much I ate my ribs stuck out. Buck used to try to help me train, doing pushups or learning how to box, but I was still so weak. A strong breeze could’ve knocked me over, probably - plus, I had asthma, and I was always getting sick with one thing or another…honestly, it’s a miracle I didn’t die before the army got me.”

It coaxes a mirroring smile from her, one elbow propped on the island. She shuffles on top of the stool, turning to face him fully.

“I thought…I don’t know, I thought I’d feel…different. Better, once I was stronger.” He shakes his head, chuckling at himself. “But it was more like…I was just in the wrong body. I kept bumping into things, hitting my head on doorframes; I took up more space than I thought I should.” Letting go of his beer, he spreads his hands in front of him, turning them over alternately and staring at the broad palms, the strong fingers, crisscrossed with veins and scars. “Drove myself crazy trying to sketch. I kept breaking my charcoal, snapping pencils…it was like trying to draw with another person’s hands.”

“Did you get used to it?” she asks. The hand not occupied with her wine glass reaches out to gently take hold of his wrist. A delicate thumb drags across his pulse, and she looks down at the lines of his palms, still uncalloused and pink. Her hand cradles his large one as she brings her eyes up to his own.

“More or less,” he shrugs. “Sometimes I still pass a mirror and do a double take.” More often than he would admit, in fact. He thinks of all the mornings he comes home from a brutal run - double marathons, barely sweating - and sees himself getting into his shower, a god he doesn’t recognize staring back at him.

She nods. She understands.

“Taking care of yourself helps. I think - it never quite goes away, but…” her smile is sweet. Hopeful. “The little things. They help.”

Turning his wrist, he grasps her hand with his own. Her skin is soft and warm; smaller fingers slide between his thick ones. Once, a long time ago, their hands would have been the same size.

Just as he opens his mouth to speak, her phone buzzes, vibrating against the counter and startling them both. As she withdraws her hand, she grins up at him.

“You hungry, Rogers?”

“Starving.”

**********

They take their bowls into the living room, joining Sam and 41 on the couch. Steve does his best with the chopsticks at first, but he still hasn’t gotten used to it. In the name of efficiency, he switches to a fork so that he can shovel the food into his mouth faster.

“Woah - what is that?” Sam leans over to get a better look. He sniffs the air. “Damn, it smells amazing.”

“It’s called a Buddha bowl,” 14 says, politely covering her mouth to conceal the sweet potatoes she’s still chewing. With her fork, she strategically arranges the next bite, collecting a little bit of everything: quinoa, potatoes, tahini sauce, avocado, greens. “Because it’s pure bliss,” she adds, before neatly shoving the next forkful into her mouth.

Steve hums in agreement, his own cheeks stuffed full. His bowl is half empty already. Peaking around 14’s shoulder, Agent 41 licks her lips and makes eye contact with Sam.

“I mean…maybe, we could try making some?” she shrugs her shoulders. “With a little Yum Yum sauce, too, I bet that would be good…” Sam is already nodding in agreement, pulling out his phone to look up a recipe.

“Don’t worry,” 14 smiles, patting her friend’s thigh. “I made plenty for everyone.”

As the other two scramble up from the couch and into the kitchen, she catches Steve’s eye and winks.

[whitehotharlots]

Previewing the 2024 Democrat Primary

Within a couple weeks of his being sworn in, just about every person on earth will wish Joe Biden was no longer president. Sure, the few surviving John B. Anderson voters will be thrilled to see 4 years of crushing austerity and half-assed attempts at Keynesian stimulus. But most people will begin dreaming about a brighter future.

Good news! The 2024 Democratic primary field is going to contain dozens of options. Bad news! They are all going to be disgusting piles of shit. 

The “top tier”

While it’s too early to do any handicapping, these are the candidates the media will treat as having the most realistic chances of securing the nomination. 

Kamala Harris

Kamala did not win a single primary delegate in 2020. This is because she dropped out before the first primary, and that was because no one likes her. She has no base beyond a few thousand of twitter’s most violent psychos. Her disingenuousness approaches John Edwards levels: any halfway incredulous person can see immediately beyond her bullshit. She has no principles whatsoever, and while that may be par for the course for Democrats, she lacks even the basic politician’s ability to intuit anything that might, hypothetically, constitute a principle. 

Even better: she is an awful public speaker. She sounds like how a talking dog would speak if he were just caught stealing people food off the kitchen table. She communicates in weird grunts and faux sassy squeaks, which is how she imagines real black women sound like, but something about her is unable to sell the bit. She begins her sentences in halfhearted AAVE, stops and panics halfway through as she realizes that maybe this sounds fake and offensive, and then reminds herself oh wait, no, this is okay since I’m black. This doesn’t happen once or twice per speech. This is how every single sentence sounds. 

Kamala is like Nancy Pelosi in that no sketch show will ever impersonate her correctly, because anything that came close to authenticity would be considered far too cruel. This might benefit her in the primaries, as she exists in the minds of Democrats as someone and something she absolutely is not in reality. Nominating her would be like allowing your child’s imaginary friend to attempt to drive you to the store. 

Andrew Cuomo

Easily one of the 50 worst people alive, Cuomo has a solid chance because Democrats, same as Republicans, are unable to differentiate between electability and self-serving ruthlessness. Cuomo used the deadliest public health crisis in American history as a pretext for cutting Medicaid and firing 5,000 MTA workers, and his approval rating increased. New York Dems are little piggies who love eating shit. If we assume that the political media will continue their habit of refusing to discuss the legislative history of right wing Democrats, Cuomo might well cruise to the nomination and then lose to literally any human being the GOP nominates by an historic margin. 

Joe Biden

The party loves him because he is a right wing racist. “Progressives” tolerate him because black primary voters over 40 supported him, and their opinion is supposedly a magic window into god’s truth. Everyone else can tell he is manifestly senile. I don’t put it above the DNC to pick a candidate who is in horrible health, dying, or even dead--whatever the financial sector wants, they’ll get. But I would be shocked if his approval rating is above 39% by mid-2023, and by that point deep fake technology will be advanced enough they’ll put out a very lifelike video in which the Max Headroom version of Joe explains he’s proud of his accomplishments--that budget’s almost balanced already--but, man, I gotta abd--I gotta abdica--, uhh, I gotta, I, uhh, I gotta move down, man. 

Wild Cards

These candidates would have all have a chance if they ran, but they could all much more easily retire to Little Saint James off of kickbacks they’ve gotten from Citibank and I.G. Farben. 

Rahm Emanuel

Rahm is going to receive some hugely influential post in the Biden administration. Let’s say he becomes Secretary of Education. His signature achievement will be replacing all elementary school teachers with Amazon’s Alexa, which saved the taxpayers so much money we were able to quadruple the number of armed police officers we put into high schools. This will give him several thousand positive profiles on network news programs and the near-universal support of the Silicon Valley vampires who will own 99% of the country by the time Biden’s term ends. They will use their fancy mind control devices to convince geriatic primary voters that Rahm’s the one who will bring Decency back to the white house. His candidacy will be the paragon of wokeness, as expressing concern toward the fact that he covered up the police murder of a black guy will get you called a racist. 

Rahm has a bonus in that Jewish men are now Schrodeniger’s PoC. When they are decent human beings, they are basic, cis white men who are stealing attention from disabled trans candidates of color. When they love austerity and apartheid, they become the most vulnerable people of color on earth and criticizing them in any way is genocide. No one will be able to mention a single thing Rahm has ever done or said without opening themselves to accusations of antisemitism, and that gives him a strong edge against the rest of the field. The good news is that an Emmanuel candidacy would result in over 50% of black voters choosing the GOP candidate--which, I guess that’s not really good but it would certainly be funny. 

Gavin Newsom

Newsom is every bit as feckless as Cuomo, but he doesn’t put off the same “bad guy in an early Steven Segal movie” vibes. He will mention climate change 50 times per speech and no one will bother to mention how he keeps signing fracking contracts even though his state is now on fire 11 months of the year. If anything, this will be spun into an argument about how he’s actually the candidate best suited to handle all the water refugees gathering on the southern border. Look for his plan to curb emissions by 10% by the year 2150 to get high marks from Sierra Club nerds. He’s also a celebate librarian’s idea of what constitutes a handsome man, so he’ll have some support from the type of women who claim to hate all men. 

Larry Summers

I mean, why not? Larry, like most members of the Obama administration, has politics that are eerily similar to those of Jordan Peterson. In normal circumstances, this makes a person a dangerous fascist who should not be platformed. But if that person has a D next to their name this makes them a realistic pragmatist who has what it takes to bring suburban bankers into our tent. If current trends in Woke Phrenology continue apace, Larry’s belief that women are inherently bad at STEM will be liberal orthodoxy by 2023, and his dedication to the Laffer Curve could see him rake in massive donations. Seriously, I’m not kidding: cultural liberalism is now fully dedicated to identity essentialism and balanced budgets. Larry is their ideal candidate. If he were black and/or a woman, I’d put him in the very top tier. 

Jay Inslee

Unlike Newsom, Inslee’s attempt to crown himself the King of Global Warming won’t be immediately derailed, since his state is only on fire because of protestors. This, however, poses a different problem. He’s going to be a good test case for the Democrat’s uneasy peace with the ever increasing share of the electorate who become catatonic upon hearing a pronoun. On the one hand, you need to take their votes for granted. On the other hand, they’re not like black people or regular gays: most voters actively, consciously despise wokies, and associating yourself with them will ruin a campaign even in deep blue areas. There’s still gonna be riots in a year. Biden’s gonna announce the sale of all our nation’s potable water to the good folks at Nestle and some trans freak named Sasha-Malia DeBalzac is going to use that as an opportunity to sell their new pamphlet about how it’s fascist to not burn down small businesses. No matter what Inslee does in response, it’ll end his career. 

AOC

I’m not one of those “AOC is a secret conservative” weirdos, but I am aware enough of basic reality to know she has zero chance of coming close to the nomination. The right and the center both regard her as a literal demon. The party is already blaming her for the fact that a handful of faceless Reagan acolytes failed to flip their suburban districts even though they ran on sensible pragmatic proposals like euthanizing the homeless. The recriminations will only get more unhinged when the Dems eat shit in the 2022 midterms. She will be a Russian, she will be white male, she will be a communist, she will be a homophobe: any insult or conspiracy theory you can name, MSNBC will spend hours discussing. Her house seat challenger will receive a record amount of support from the DNC in 2024 and it’ll be all she can do to remain in congress.

Larry Hogan

Don’t be dissuaded by the fact that he’s a Republican. Larry is the DNC’s ideal candidate: a physically repulsive conservative who owes his entire career to appealing to the most spiteful desires of suburban white people. He’s an open racist in a material sense--if you’re old-school enough to think racism is a matter of beliefs and actions, rather than the presence of cultural signifiers--but his is the beloved “never Trump” style of racism that Dems covet. He’s also a Proven Leader who thinks the role of government should be to finance the construction of investment property and give police the resources they need to run successful drug trafficking operations. Few people embody the Democrat worldview more than Larry. 

The Losers Bracket

These people will have at least a small chance due solely to the fact that the Democrats love losing. They have lost in the past, and in the Democrat Mind that makes them especially qualified.

Joe Kennedy

The man looks like a mushroom-human hybrid from a JRPG. Trump proved that physical hideousness need not doom a presidential bid, but a candidate still needs some kind of charm or oratorical abilities or, god forbid, a decent platform. Joe aggressively lacks all of these things. A vanity campaign would be a good way to raise money and perhaps secure an MSNBC gig, so Joe might still run. 

Mayor Pete 

I am 100% convinced that Pete’s 2020 run was a CIA plot meant to prevent working class Americans from ever having a chance of living decent lives. I am also 100% aware that Democrats are dumb enough to enthusiastically support a CIA plot meant to prevent working class Americans from ever having a chance of living decent lives. If we have some sort of military or terror disaster between now and 2023 the Dems are sure to want a TROOP, and wait wait wait you’re telling me this one is a gay troop? Holy hell there’s no way that could lose!

Stacy Abrams

Never underestimate the power of white guilt. She lost the gubernatorial race to Gomer Pyle’s grandson, and her spiritual guidance of the Dems saw the party lose black voters in Georgia in 2020. Nonetheless, she is regarded as a magic font of fierceness within the DNC. She might stand a chance if she can establish herself as the most conservative non-white candidate in the field, but there’s going to be stiff competition for that honor.

Elizabeth Warren

Liz is probably angry that the party so shamelessly sold her out even after she was a good little girl and sabatoged Bernie’s campaign for them--yet another example of high ranking US government officials reneging on their promises to the Native American community. Smdh. The fact that this woman hasn’t been bankrupted a dozen times over by various Wallet Inspectors genuinely astounds me. So Liz is probably going to run again, and her campaign will be even sadder the second time around. 

It might surprise you to hear this if you don’t work at a college or NGO, but Liz diehards actually do exist. She’ll get even less support this time because there will be no viable leftist in the field for her to spoil, but she’ll still hang in long enough to make sure the very worst possible candidate beats out the second worst possible candidate. Maybe she’ll fabricate a rape accusation against Sherrod Brown. Maybe she’ll spend her entire allotted debate time doing a land acknowledgment. With Liz, anything is possible--so long as it ends in failure. 

Amy Klobuchar 

Amy was the most bloodthirsty of the 2020 also rans. She will double down on the unpopular failures of the Biden administration, explaining that if you weren’t such a selfish idiot you’d love the higher social security retirement age and oh my god are so such a moron you think you shouldn’t go bankrupt to get a COVID vaccine? There’s a non-unsubstantial segment of the Democratic base that’s self-hating enough to find this appealing, but it won’t be enough to make her viable. 

Martha Coakley

She lost Ted Kennedy’s senate seat to a retarded man who was pretending to be even more retarded than he actually was. Then she lost a gubernatorial race to a guy who openly promised Massachusetts voters that he would punish them for electing him. Her record of failure is unparalleled, making her perhaps the ideal Democrat standard bearer for the twenty twenties. 

[fostersffff]

Robot Carnival Review

When I first started my blu-ray collecting kick, Discotek was hyping up their release of Memories, an anthology movie organized by Akira’s Katsuhiro Otomo. While doing research on it, I saw it was recommended in the company of Robot Carnival, another anthology movie Otomo was involved with, with more animators and thus individual shorts, and a unifying theme of “robots”. As a robot enjoyer, I figured I couldn’t go wrong with this, and I was right! This was a joy from start to finish, where even the weakest segment still had plenty to offer. If this sounds like it might be up your alley, it’s available to stream for free on RetroCrush and YouTube!

Additional note before I get into talking about each short individually: with the exception of Cloud, the music for every short was composed by Joe Hisaishi, who has way more range as a composer than I would’ve ever expected, considering I knew him exclusively as the Studio Ghibli composer. Additional additional note: I watched the anthology in the original Japanese order, the version on RetroCrush and YouTube uses an alternate order from the international release.

Opening/Ending (Katsuhiro Otomo, creator of Akira and Atsuko Fukushima, key animator on dozens of anime projects, including Akira) - A mobile fortress (literally the above Robot Carnival logo) traverses a post-apocalyptic wasteland, bringing death and destruction wherever it goes. The Opening sets the bar for what you should expect going forward in terms of production values, and the Ending is a nice send off for the whole thing, but I don’t really have much else to say about these shorts.

Franken’s Gears (Koji Morimoto, Director of Memories: Magnetic Rose) - A mad scientist attempts to bring their robot to life, succeeds horribly. I think of all the shorts in this movie, this one has the most impressive mechanical animation. The whole thing takes places in the scientist’s lab, and the emphasis really is on all of the ways the environment is struggling to bring the robot to life, to the point that once it does so, it begins to crumble and break apart. But the animation on the scientist himself is also really charming; the way he moves almost makes him look gooey, which is apt because my sister pointed out he was probably designed after a snail, what with the big orb on his back.

Deprive (Hidetoshi Omori, Animation Director for Char’s Counterattack) - A super android has to mamoru his imouto from an invading alien robot army. One of my favorite shorts in the anthology, this was an entire action movie expertly condensed down into not even ten minutes, complete with an awesome soundtrack. I’d actually go so far as to call this one perfect for what it is, but it’s not much more than that.

Presence (Yasuyomi Umetsu, Character Designer and Chief Animation Director of Megazone 23 Part II) - A man builds an android for companionship, and he gets more than he bargained for. Longest piece in the compilation by a mile, and the first one with voice acting. Despite enjoying some of the other shorts more, I think I would call Presence the “centerpiece” of this anthology, as it’s definitely the most story-rich. It even has some prescient worldbuilding: the people of this setting do not see robots as sentient beings, which is shown right at the start when a bunch of kids knock the head off of an android and play with it while absolutely no one in the crowded plaza reacts. This sets the tone for the main character’s interactions with his creation, and provide additional context for the things he does besides the obvious explanations.

This was also the first short where I noticed something off about the animation, where it seemed to animate too well in for certain movements. As it turns out I was right; the liner notes explain that the director was using this project to experiment, and he would animate different movements on different frame counts. It’s not terrible, but it is a little distracting to see how smoothly something like a simple head turn will animate while more complex motions look more standard. Also, unrelated but fun coincidence: the liner notes also explain a reference in the script to a story called Daddy Long Legs, about an orphan girl who receives funding from a wealthy philanthropist she never meets, which explains a reference that went over my head Yakuza: Like a Dragon.

Star Light Angel (Hiroyuki Kitazume, Character Designer and Animation Director for Mobile Suit Gundam ZZ and Char’s Counterattack) - What could have been the most effective piece of robosexual propaganda ever made: a girl and her friend are at Tokyo Disneyland ROBOT WANDERLAND and are having a wonderful time, until she discovers that her boyfriend is cheating on her, at which point she retreat into the park and winds up on a virtual reality ride. Meanwhile, a robot performer attempts to find her and return the locket she dropped while she ran past him. This is tied for my favorite, alongside Deprive, because I’m a big sucker for romance and the main song for the short is so perfect for the content. I was also delighted to find the explanation for this short was that Kitazume, who’s work up to this point was all mecha anime like Aura Battler Dunbine and Zeta Gundam, really wanted to try to flex with character expressions, and it came through brilliantly as the range and level of facial expressions was the first thing I really took notice of in this. Funny enough, though, Kitazume also apparently said he considers this and Deprive to be the weakest pieces of the anthology, and I suppose he’s right in that they have the least meat on their bones and are also probably the least technically impressive, but still: my two favorites!

Cloud (Mao Lamdo, a prolific animator on many projects, but probably best known for this) - A robotic boy wanders past a series of ever-changing clouds. Cloud is definitely a stand-out short for a number of reasons, from the way its animated to the incredibly tangential connection to the “robot” theme, and to be perfectly honest I got a lot more out of it after I read the liner notes. The short was adapted from a self-published book Mao Lamdo had written years prior that had nothing to do with robots, and his interpretation of the short and the change to making the main character a robot was that it represented his frustration with the trend in the anime industry at the time trending towards a being obsessed with the mechanical world, while he still preferred to draw and animate nature. As I mentioned at the top, this is also the only short to not have music composed by Joe Hisaishi, instead the piece used is by Isaku Fujita, and as far as I can tell, this is his only credit. Still, it’s a good credit to have; Lamdo said the song evoked the idea of having a conversation with God and asking the big questions, which I can completely see.

Strange Tales of Meiji Machine Culture: “The Westerner’s Invasion” (Hiroyuki Kitakubo, Director of the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure OVA and Golden Boy) A terrible steampunk mech invades a Japanese town, and is warded off by a team of youths piloting their own terrible steampunk mech. I watched this one with the English dub first and then again in Japanese because it’s been a fuckin’ minute since I heard a dub this racist, complete with changing r’s to l’s and vice versa, only to be cracked across the skull by what I am certain was a Japanese man doing his very best to phonetically read English in the Japanese version. In spite of that, though, this is easily the funniest short for all the right reasons, and it kinda clicked once I found out that the director was also responsible for Golden Boy; it’s that exact kind of humor, complete with a protagonist who could very well be Kintaro Ue’s ancestor.

Chicken Man and Red Neck, a.k.a. Nightmare (Takeshi Nakamura, director of Catnapped! The Movie) - A robotic magician wreaks havoc on a city by transforming everything in sight into robotic monsters, and a vagrant gets caught up in the chaos. I initially wrote down “this one has the energy of a Don Bluth movie, particularly In the Dark of the Night from Anastasia”, although the liner notes say he actually was inspired by Night on Bald Mountain, which is definitely a more flattering inspiration and more accurate, to boot. I think of all the shorts in this anthology, this one gets the prizes for “best overall animation” and “best use of robots”, and it also has the most intense PS1 RPG sounding music, which once again speaks to Joe Hisaishi’s talent as a composer for doing that a full decade before the PS1 even existed. Also, fun trivia, the director turned down an offer from Hayao Miyazaki to be animation director on Castle in the Sky to make this, which… was maybe not the best career move, but still this was a terrific short and I’m glad to have it.

Again, the movie is easily accessible for free streaming, and I’d heartily recommend you check it out if you haven’t already. But if you’re into collecting physical media, the blu-ray is crammed full of tons of goodies, including the liner notes I’ve referenced, art galleries for each segment, and a lot of other production materials. Discotek also announced they’re doing a 4k UHD release of this soon, which won’t include all the extras due to the way UHD discs work, but I gotta be honest, this would be worth double dipping for if the resolution bump is noticeable enough.

[newstfionline]

Saturday, August 28, 2021

With wildfire threatening, Lake Tahoe prepares for emergency (AP) The decision to flee their home Thursday in the mountains above Lake Tahoe became clear when Johnny White and Lauren McCauley could see flames on the webcam at their local ski resort. Even as ash rained down under a cloud of heavy smoke, the couple wasn’t panicked because they had an early warning to leave their home near Echo Summit, about 10 miles (16 kilometers) south of the lake, and wanted to avoid last-minute pandemonium if the wildfire continued its march toward the tourist destination on the California and Nevada border. Firefighters were facing changing weather conditions that could push the fire closer to the Tahoe Basin, a home to thousands and recreational playground for millions of tourists who visit the alpine lake in summer, ski at the many resorts in winter and gamble at its casinos year-round. Fires in California have destroyed around 2,000 structures and forced thousands to evacuate while also blanketing large swaths of the West in unhealthy smoke.

The Western air crisis (NYT) “We have had smoke in the sky literally since the third week of July,” Amy Ginder, a 47-year-old resident of Reno, said. “We have been inhaling toxins for five weeks now. You can’t be outside. You can’t breathe. You can’t see the sun.” In response, Ginder has stopped jogging outdoors. “If it were just this summer, you’d just suck it up and move on,” she said. “But it isn’t. It’s the realization that this is our future.” Smoke-clogged air has become a regular part of life in the American West. Climate change has increased the frequency of droughts, extreme heat and, by extension, large wildfires. The smoke then drifts across large parts of the Pacific Coast and Mountain West. Sometimes, it even reaches the East Coast. One measure of the problem: In several places yesterday—including Bend, Ore.; an area north of Sacramento; and Lake Tahoe—air pollution reached levels that can damage lungs when people spend time outdoors. Phil Abernathy, a Lake Tahoe resident who decided to flee the area in search of cleaner air, told The Times that simply inhaling can feel like a “sizable man is standing on my chest.”

Tropical Storm Ida Forms in Caribbean, Heading for Louisiana (Bloomberg) Tropical Storm Ida has formed in the Caribbean and is forecast to a grow into a powerful hurricane in the days ahead, wreaking havoc across the Gulf of Mexico and ultimately crashing into the U.S coast. Ida, the ninth storm of the 2021 Atlantic hurricane season, is swirling past Jamaica, with top winds of 40 miles (64 kilometers) per hour. It’s forecast to strike Cuba Friday, reach hurricane strength over the gulf Saturday and make landfall in Louisiana or Mississippi late Sunday or Monday. “Sunday is the anniversary of Katrina—it seems like a particularly cruel date for a hurricane landfall in Louisiana,” said Ryan Truchelut, president of Weather Tiger LLC. said in an interview. The storm’s winds are forecast to peak at 110 miles per hour (177 kilometers per hour), which would put it just below Category 3 major hurricane status on the five-step Saffir-Simpson scale, the National Hurricane Center said Thursday. Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards declared a state of emergency ahead of the storm.

Nowhere To Go (AP) The earthquake in Haiti killed and injured thousands, and wiped away thousands of homes. Now, a more grim reality is setting in for those who survived and were hospitalized—if released, they have nowhere to go. 25-year-old Jertha Ylet came to the hospital on August 14, unconscious and with a crushed leg. Her 5-year-old daughter survived unharmed, but her father and two other relatives were killed, her brother seriously injured and her house destroyed. A surgeon had put a metal rod in her lower left leg, but Ylet hadn’t been out of bed or tried to walk since she arrived. Ylet was discharged Thursday—the hospital needed her bed for other patients. “I said to the doctor, ‘I don’t have any place to go,’” Ylet said. Medical staff is sympathetic, but pragmatic. The beds are needed. “After someone gets well they have to go.” In the first days after the earthquake, the hospital was overwhelmed with patients. The injured lay on patios and breezeways awaiting care. Now there are still people in those areas, but they’re discharged patients or others never admitted at all but who are coming for the donations of food and water and clothing arriving at the hospital daily.

Biden: ‘We Will Hunt You Down’ (Foreign Policy) Hours after the Islamic State launched a coordinated suicide bomb attack among the desperate crowds gathered outside Kabul’s international airport on Thursday, U.S. President Joe Biden vowed to continue evacuations—and to retaliate against the perpetrators. “Know this: We will not forgive, we will not forget,” he said in a speech from the White House. “We will hunt you down and make you pay.” The attack killed more than 70 Afghan civilians and 13 U.S. troops in at least two blasts, leaving the area around the airport in chaos. Members of the Islamic State group’s local branch, known as Islamic State-Khorasan, detonated suicide vests at the airport’s Abbey Gate and outside the nearby Baron Hotel. Taliban spokesperson Zabihullah Mujahid condemned the attack, which underscores the security challenges the group faces as it formally establishes a government in Kabul. It remains unclear whether a military response to the bombings is already being undertaken, and if the United States has adequate capacity on the ground to carry it out. [Note: The death toll has been updated to as many as 169 Afghans.]

As NATO countries end their Kabul airlift, many interpreters, embassy staffers and drivers are left behind (Washington Post) Thousands of Afghans who put their lives at risk to work with America's NATO allies have been left behind as the military evacuations wrap up and they hunker down in fear over Taliban reprisals. Britain became the latest nation to announce an end to its airlifts on Friday, as Defense Secretary Ben Wallace told LBC radio that evacuations would end in hours. The military has airlifted nearly 14,000 people out over the past two weeks, but “the sad fact is that not every single one will get out,” he said, with up to 1,100 eligible Afghans who “didn’t make it.” Other countries fell further short of their targets. Germany, whose last soldiers flew out of Afghanistan on Thursday evening, said it had rescued around 4,000 Afghans—far shy of the 10,000 people it had identified as at risk. From Berlin to Ottawa, questions have been raised as to why more was not done to save those who were vulnerable sooner. “I think humanity has fallen apart,” said one employee of a local nongovernmental organization contracted by the German government. He shared a photo of what he said was one of his colleagues, beheaded by the Taliban when they took over his neighborhood. “It feels as though I am so alone,” he said, his voice breaking as he spoke. European governments have said they were left with little choice but to end their military rescue operations as the United States pulls out.

Afghanistan’s Islamic State (AP) The Islamic State offshoot that Americans blame for Thursday’s deadly suicide attacks outside the Kabul airport coalesced in eastern Afghanistan six years ago, and rapidly grew into one of the more dangerous terror threats globally. The Islamic State’s Central Asia affiliate sprang up in the months after the group’s core fighters swept across Syria and Iraq, carving out a self-styled caliphate, or Islamic empire, in the summer of 2014. The group started as several hundred Pakistani Taliban fighters, who took refuge across the border in Afghanistan after military operations drove them out of their home country. Other, like-minded extremists joined them there, including disgruntled Afghan Taliban fighters unhappy with what they—unlike the West—saw as the Taliban’s overly moderate and peaceful ways. As the Taliban pursued peace talks with the United States in recent years, discontented Taliban increasingly moved to the more extremist Islamic State, swelling its numbers. Many were attracted to the Islamic State’s violent and extreme ideology, including promises of a caliphate to unite the Islamic world, a goal never espoused by the Taliban.

Afghanistan got just 5 minutes of coverage on the network newscasts last year, analysis says (The Week) The current chaos in Afghanistan may be dominating the headlines, but in 2020, the war reportedly received just a handful of minutes of network news coverage throughout the entire year. According to analysis from the Tyndall Report via the Quincy Institute for Responsible Statecraft, the national evening newscasts on CBS, ABC, and NBC in 2020 devoted just five minutes to Afghanistan coverage. The coverage came in February 2020, when the Trump administration announced the Doha agreement with the Taliban to end the war.  "Five minutes!" Andrew Tyndall writes. "Such were the demands on the news agenda of the looming coronavirus pandemic in the early spring of 2020. Coverage of all other developments was eclipsed by COVID. The networks had long since given up covering the war as a war." [Since 2014] they "have treated the role of the military there as an afterthought," he said.

New Zealand extends virus lockdown (AP) New Zealand’s government has extended a strict nationwide lockdown through Tuesday as it tries to quash its first outbreak of the coronavirus in six months. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said Friday the government expects to keep Auckland, where most of the cases have been found, in full lockdown for at least two more weeks. But she expects most other parts of the country can ease restrictions slightly from Wednesday. The announcement came as health authorities reported 70 new daily cases, the most yet in the outbreak, which has grown to nearly 350 cases in total. Ardern said there was evidence the lockdown was working and new case numbers were beginning to level off. She said she remained committed to the strategy of eliminating the virus entirely.

Gunmen release students in northern Nigeria 3 months later (AP) Gunmen have released some of the children kidnapped from a school in northern Nigeria back in May, some of whom were as young as 5 years old, the school’s head teacher said late Thursday. He could not confirm the exact number freed. Authorities have said that 136 children were abducted along with several teachers when gunmen on motorcycles attacked the Salihu Tanko Islamic School in Niger state. Other preschoolers were left behind as they could not keep pace when the gunmen hurriedly moved those abducted into the forest. The release came a day after local media quoted one parent as saying six of the children had died in captivity. The government has been unable to halt the spate of abductions for ransom. As a result, many schools have been forced to close due to the concerns about the kidnapping risk.

Gig apps for a pandemic economy (AP) For months, Gabrielle Walker had been looking for a part-time job. Then one day, Walker, a 19-year-old student at University College London, was scrolling through TikTok and stumbled on a video about an app called Stint, which helps students earn money by working brief temporary stints at places like restaurants and bars that require little training or experience. Walker downloaded the app, took a 15-minute intro course and days later snagged a job polishing cutlery at a Michelin-star restaurant in London—for one day. Between May and June, she took on several other gigs, squeezing them into her class schedule where she could. Stint, in use across the U.K., has grown in popularity, alongside similar apps in the United States like Instawork and Gigpro, as one response to the peculiar ways in which economies have been rebounding from the pandemic recession. In contrast to Stint, Instawork and Gigpro are suited more for skilled or experienced workers who want or need short-term shifts. Collectively, the newer apps represent a variation on the many gig apps that sprang up in recent years—from Uber and DoorDash to TaskRabbit and Thumbtack—that typically serve households in need of a one-time service. What distinguishes the latest apps is that they link workers with employers that have a steady need for labor but don’t necessarily want to commit to permanent hires given the uncertainties from the pandemic.

[365days365movies]

February 3, 2021: Sleepless in Seattle (1993)

The year: 1986. A small new fictionation is founded as part of a disparate group of similar territories. Near to another civilization founded by Woody Allen (we’ll get to him later this month, whoof), a new settlement was founded by one Nora Ephron. It began with Heartburn, a rom-com starring Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson. While it was somewhat successful, it wasn’t exactly a dynamo by any means. And that is when Nora met the future Empress of her fictonation.

Her name was Meg Ryan, and the film...was When Harry Met Sally.

Ephron only wrote this film, rather than direct it. But it didn’t matter, as this film was CRAZY successful (and I’ll be watching it later this month). Some years past, and both Ryan and Ephron rose in power. Ephron became a director, Ryan became a movie star, and the two pillars would reunite for greater things. And THAT is when the future Empress met her Emperor.

Enter Joe vs. the Volcano, where Meg Ryan...met Tom Hanks.

Now, was this movie amazing? No, not from what I’ve heard. But the two new co-stars apparently made an impression on Hollywood at this point, as their respective stars would only grow brighter. And so, when 1993 came along, the three pillars finally met, and ascended to their true roles as the rulers of a now united Holy Romance Empire. And that film...was Sleepless in Seattle.

Time to witness a nation RISE. SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

We start where all romantic comedies should start: at a Chicago graveyard!

Architect Sam Baldwin’s (Tom Hanks) wife, Maggie, has sadly passed away, leaving Sam and their son, Jonah (Ross Malinger). Sam’s clearly broken, understandably, and he decides to move from Chicago in order to leave behind the bittersweet memories of his wife. And where he’s headed? You know where.

Jimmy Durante’s rendition of “As Time Goes By”

Jimmy Durante sings us in (I love this song, for the record), and we head not to Seattle, but to Baltimore, 18 months afterwards. There, reporter Annie Reed (Meg Ryan) is going to a Christmas party with her new fiancée, Walter Jackson (Bill Pullman), which is announced to great aplomb at the party. Her brother Dennis is played by Niles from Frasier (David Hyde Pierce), and I nearly spit out my sandwich.

That night, Annie’s mother gives her her old wedding dress, and have a VERY frank conversation about their sexual relationships. It is...awkward. Anyway, the dress tears, which Annie sees as a sign. In any case, she still seems happy...I think. On the way to Walter’s parents’ place, she tunes into a radio talk show, where a child is making a Christmas wish to the station.

This child is, of course, Jonah, calling on behalf of his father from Seattle. He tells the host, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone (Caroline Aaron), that his father is lonely after his wife’s death, and that he wishes he had a new wife. She convinces Jonah to put him on the phone, and while he’s reluctant to do so (understandably), he accepts. All the while, Annie’s listening, and seems to sympathize deeply with him and his sarcastic responses.

However, Sam begins to open up, and Dr. Fieldstone christens him “Sleepless in Seattle,” after the fact that he doesn’t sleep much at all these days. His story resonates with a number of people, Annie included. A few people call in to respond to him, and at the end of the call, he describes how much and why he misses his wife. And I gotta be honest, I’m with Annie here. It is...very moving.

Damn you, Tom Hanks, it’s only 20 minutes in, why are you already making me FEEEEEEL?

The next day, it’s a splash, and over 2,000 women call in in response to this. This is discounted by her co-worker and friend, Becky (Rosie O’Donnell). At the New Year’s party soon after, she and Walter make a date to meet in New York City, and register for their eventual wedding. Meanwhile, Sam tucks Jonah in to sleep, as Nat King Cole serenades us (I ALSO love Nat King Cole, real talk) and Sam stares at the fireworks off of his houseboat.

And, mentally haunted by the ghost of his wife, he’s seemingly literally haunted by the ghost of his wife, Maggie (Carey Lowell). The next morning, he goes to help a client, Barbara (Dana Ivey), and his co-worker Jay Matthews (Rob Reiner) with a house, and finds out that everybody knows who he is at this point. Additionally, Jonah also give the radio station their address, and MANY women are now soliciting Sam, including...his third-grade teacher. Ew. EW.

Sam and Jonah next have a talk about whether or not a prospective new wife would have sex with Sam, and I wonder if sexual conversations with your parents are supposed to be this common, or if I’m just crazy. Because me and my Dad? Nuh-uh. And no worries if your relationship with your folks is like this, but mine DEFINITELY IS NOT, lemme tell you.

Annie and Walter prepare for bed, and Ray Charles sings them to sleep, followed by Carly Simon talking about the wee small hours of the morning. During those hours, Annie gets up, also unable to sleep, and turns on the Dr. Marcia Fieldstone show. During the highlight reel for the show, Disappointed in Denver notes that:

Everytime I come close to orgasm, he goes and makes himself a sandwich.

...Wow. Um. Asshole? And then Marcia tells her to make a sandwich for him beforehand, WHICH IS NOT SOLVING THE PROBLEM. Anyway, Sam is also featured in that highlight reel, and Annie cries again as he talks about his wife, and it’s a disproportionately long excerpt compared to the others, what the hell? Marooned in Miami is DISAPPOINTED now.

Annie goes to meet her brother Niles (he’s basically Niles from Frasier, seriously) the next day, and explains that she’s fantasizing about Sam, a man she’s never even MET. She’s also feeling doubt about her upcoming marriage, which is...interesting. I’ll get to that later. In Seattle, meanwhile, Sam asks Jay what it’s like as a single man in Seattle, and they have a conversation about how cute Sam’s butt is. Nice.

Upon the realization that his 9-year old son is hanging out with more girls than he is (yeah, there’s a kid named Jessica hanging out with him when Sam gets home, it’s awkward), Sam’s back in the saddle again (as the song indicates; that said, goddamn is the music choice on the nose sometimes, seriously). He calls a woman named Victoria (Barbara Garrick), and asks her out on a date.

Annie’s watching the movie An Affair to Remember (lateeeeeer) at Becky’s, as she’s lamenting her fixation on Sam, while also struggling to fully understand how she feels about Walter. Becky RIGHTFULLY accuses her of believing in Hollywood, movie love, which is demonstrated by Annie’s meaningless platitudes about her supposed love for Walter. This is while she’s writing a letter to Sam, then aborts it when she realizes what she’s doing. She sits on the couch with Becky, they mouth the words together in the movie, and they cry while I laugh, because that was funny.

Things aren’t as jovial for Sam and Jonah, as Jonah’s had a nightmare, and the two reminisce over missing their mother. Sam notes that Maggie could peel an apple in one long...curly...strip. You mean...like Annie was doing earlier? I see what you did there, movie. I see what you did there. As if to compound their invisible connection, both of them sit on a dock, staring into two separate oceans at night.

Sam proceeds to write a story for the paper on “Sleepless in Seattle,” and through some...mildly creepy personal invasion, she finds his address in Seattle, and a hell of a lot more personal information. Like I said, it’s a little creepy. Sam, meanwhile, is going on a date with Victoria, when Jonah opens a letter...from Annie.

Annie. What’re you doin’?

Jonah appears to IMMEDIATELY ship the two, but Sam quotes the coast-to-coast distance as being a bit too much, and goes on the date with Victoria. While on the date, Jonah tries to hook Sam up with Annie by getting him to agree to take them to New York City on Valentine’s Day. Damn, Jonah, you lookin’ to escape a whale, because you are BUILDING A GODDAMN SHIP

Victoria, a woman with an amazingly obnoxious laugh, does not rub off well on Jonah, or me, or my girlfriend. I’m really hoping that somehow, in SOME WAY, Victoria and Walter get together. He’s boring, she’s obnoxious, who knows? They might like each other. My ship...is being built.

Jonah, meanwhile, is TAKING THE FUCKING WHEEL of this ship. He calls the radio station once again, and Annie is alerted to this by Becky. She wakes up, punching Walter in the process (dude gets HURT), and goes downstairs to listen. Jonah’s telling the station that Victoria SUUUUUCKS, and straight up calls her “a ho.” He hangs up abruptly, and screams to stop his father from kissing Victoria. Annie, meanwhile, listens to this in the closet for some reason.

The next day, Jonah’s friend, Jessica, tells Jonah to send a letter to Annie on his father’s behalf. Meanwhile, Annie flies to Seattle in the guise of doing a story, when she’s actually going to try and meet Sam. Victoria, meanwhile, is leaving from the airport, where Sam and Jonah are seeing her off. Victoria basically implies that she’d like to ditch the kid and go fuck someplace sometime, which might FINALLY rub Sam the wrong way.

Sam talks to Jonah about the fact that he’s dating Victoria, not marrying her, and that she might not be the one for him. He also says that there’s no such thing as soul- 

-mates.

Yeah, they actually did just do that. Sam loses Annie at the airport, after immediately chasing after her. They’re perfect for each other, as Annie goes RIGHT to Sam’s houseboat address. She hangs around the neighborhood, and sees them having fun on the beach together as Harry Connick Jr. plays in the background. That night, she confides in Becky about her guilt in lying to Walter.

And if I can just say this...yeah, THAT isn’t great. I get that there’s some cinematic paegentry to the whole thing, but, like...tell your FIANCEE about your FEELINGS. It’s hard, yeah, duh, but YOU GOTTA DO IT. You most certainly owe it to Walter. At least she appears to know it, though.

Annie at the hotel

The next day, Annie goes once again to weirdly spy on Jonah, and sees him hug a woman very happily, and of course believes that that’s Victoria. However, this is his friend, Suzy (Rita Wilson), who’s visiting with her husband, Greg (Victor Garber). In any case, this leads to Sam and Annie seeing each other for the first time. He says hello. She says hello. Then she almost gets hit by a taxi, and she IMMEDIATELY flies back home WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUH

We find this out later, but the taxi and the fact that all she could say was “Hello” is actually all a reference to the film seen earlier, An Affair to Remember (again, later this month). This is also part of the repeating motif that this film has: signs. Y’know, the kind of “IT’S A SIGN” thing. However, the real twist here is that the signs are the ones that they can’t see. Like the apple and the hello thing. Not yet, anyway.

Also, dear lord, An Affair to Remember is just making EVERY woman in the film cry, even when they’re TALKING about it. And every time, the men just look at each other like “WOMEN, with their EMOTIONS and their VAGOOOOOOS.” Jesus, ‘90s movies. Even JESSICA (Gaby Hoffman), Jonah’s friend, the LITTLE GIRL, is crying at this movie. JESUS, I’m really interested in seeing this movie now.

Jessica and Jonah start conspiring on how to get to New York to meet Annie, and do so by FAKING AIRLINE TICKETS OK THEN. Meanwhile, Annie’s given up on the whole “Sleepless in Seattle” thing, and goes to meet Walter for their Valentine’s date in NYC. Walter rightfully comments that Annie’s seemed distant, and here’s the thing: Walter deserves better than this. Yeah, he’s BORING AS SHIT, but the dude’s committed to her, and she’s amazingly flaky in comparison. I dunno, maybe it’s because it’s Bill Pullman, but I feel bad for him.

Anyway, in New York, the two begin to rekindle their relationship, and Walter gets a ring for her at FUCKING TIFFANY’S HOLY SHIT. Meanwhile, Sam’s THIRSTY AS FUUUUUUUCK, and is leaving to spend the weekend with Victoria, which Jonah is NOT a fan of. This ship is gonna SAIL if JONAH HAS TO FLY TO NEW YORK CITY HIMSELF

So, Jonah flies to New York City himself, in order to...meet his new mother. This movie has some VERY interesting issues, Jesus. Jonah does, indeed go to the top of the Empire State Building to look for Annie, and he asks all the girls on the Observation Deck if they’re Annie. Which, of course, none of them are. Why?

Annie’s at dinner, that’s why, and at the FUCKING RAINBOW ROOM DEAR LORD HOW MUCH MONEY DOES WALTER MAKE? Sam also makes his way to New York, probably to DESTROY HIS CHILD

And at dinner, Annie actually redeems herself by telling Walter the ENTIRE TRUTH about her feelings, and about “Sleepless in Seattle.” And Walter is a CLASSY-ASS GUY ABOUT THE ENTIRE THING, and the two break off their engagement amicably. Annie says that she doesn’t deserve Walter, and BY GOD SHE’S RIGHT. Walter’s a sweet dude. And as soon as they break up...a sign.

Sam finds Jonah on the Observation Deck, and the two tearfully reunite. And as they two unite, and everybody else leaves the Observation Deck as it closes for the night, Annie rushes on her way there. An Affair to Remember is invoked one last time, as Annie convinces the guard to let her up there. But, OF GODDAMN COURSE...she goes up in one elevator, and Sam and Jonah head down in another.

But wait. Isn’t that Jonah’s backpack on the ground of the Observation Deck? 

Yup. THERE’S the happy ending we’re lookin’ for. They finally formally introduce each other, and Sam says that they’d better leave...ALL of them, together. Love at first sight. PLAY US OUT JIMMY DURANTE!!!! And yeah, I know that Celine Dion sings the end credits song, but NOPE! TAKE ME AWAY, JIMMY! MAKE ME HAPPY!

And that was Sleepless in Seattle! And again, I liked it! I’ll get more into it during the Review!

[mistymazzello]

Cruel Summer | part viii

high school!joe mazzello x reader

summary-they used to be best friends, but now that y/n has a boyfriend (that everyone hates), joe and y/n can’t seem to come to terms with their feelings, but it’s no secret to anyone how they truly feel.

warnings-cussing and maybe a teeny bit of angst

word count-2.4k

taglist- @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye @briarrose26 @mrsmazzello @im-an-adult-ish @iamthebeth @cobaincreates @almightygwil @timmvrphy @free-pool-trash @inlovewithaxlrose @findingillyria

a/n-this is the second to last chapter! there will be nine chapters in total and then an epilogue after that. so sad this is coming to an end and i’m so pleased at the feedback this is getting. i love all of you!!

based off of cruel summer by taylor swift

“Joe, how many times do I have to say I’m sorry?” Ben pleaded. 

Joe ignored him as he walked into the dugout of the baseball field. 

“Can we at least talk about it?” He asked.

Joe sighed as he sat down on the bench. “Talk about what? The fact that you’re literally in love with my girlfriend?”

“It’s not even like that!” Ben defended.

“What’s it like then?” Joe shouted.

They were lucky that they were the first ones there, the baseball field almost deserted except for a few members of the opposite team in their own dugout. “I just liked her, okay? I wasn’t going to do anything about it and I wasn’t even going to tell her, she just kind of figured it out herself and made me tell her.”

Joe shook his head. He had been completely blindsided by all of this. With not very much time to process it all, he had freaked out. Everyone was hoping all of this could be forgotten, but that’s kind of hard when this is the least forgettable thing to ever happen in the friend group.

That’s why Joe was hoping for some normalcy while playing baseball. Summer baseball had always been one of Joe’s favorite things about June. It wasn’t serious, there was no pressure, he could just relax and play the game that he loves.

Relax. Ha. That’s funny.

Nothing was relaxing about the tension in the air that was thicker than the heat of Summer. Ben and Joe sat squished together, thigh to thigh. Joe’s leg bounced, his arms crossed over his chest as they announced the line up. 

Ben felt bad, he really did. He didn’t want Joe to be mad at him for the way he felt, but at this point, there was nothing he could do. He had already told you about his feelings, and it was mortifying to have to sit next to your boyfriend while you watched in the stands.

Joe and Ben could both see you, sitting between Gwil and Lucy. Joe’s heart skipped at the sight, while Ben’s sunk. They both thought you looked beautiful, your elbow on your knee with your chin in your hand. 

“It’s not your fault, Y/N.” Gwilym stated.   

“But it kind of is, I should have told Joe.”

“Yeah but Joe needs to understand why you didn’t.” Lucy piped up.

You sighed, crossing your legs. 

“I promise it’ll work out. You’re just in an awkward position.” Gwilym said, rubbing his hand over your back. You nodded and took a deep breath. 

A beat passed and Lucy giggled, causing the two of you to look at her. “How awkward do you think it is in the dug out right now?”

“Oh my god. It’s probably horrible.” You said, looking over at Ben and Joe, who were sitting next to each other. You all watched as the boys stood up and started clearing the dugout to go onto the field.

“Carter, look, your bitch is here.” Aaron Thompson said, leaning against the wall of the dugout and gesturing towards you.

“Yeah I saw her staring at me when I got here. God, she’s so fucking obsessed. Follows me everywhere.” Carter said.

Joe heard from across the bench and looked over at him. “Carter she has you blocked on everything.” he said very matter-of-factly. 

Carter's head whipped in Joe’s direction. “The fuck do you know?” He sneered. Joe shook his head, holding back the whole ‘she left you for me’ insult.

“You know they’re dating, right?” Ben spoke up, tying his shoe on the bench and not even bothering to look up at Carter.

“Yeah. I heard.” Carter said. “She can’t be single for longer than a day, can she. She’s got abandonment issues.”

Joe could feel his face getting red with anger. “No, I don’t think that’s the case here.” He said. He knew very well that you had terrible abandonment issues, but the entire baseball team didn’t need to know that.

“So what’s the case then?” Carter asked. 

“Carter, are you stupid? She left you for Joe.” Ben said, still sitting on the bench. Joe looked over at Ben with appreciation, his lips slightly upturned. 

Carter turned to Ben and laughed out of embarrassment. “I bet she’s giving you the same treatment she gave me.” Carter said to Joe. At this point the entire baseball team was listening and the dugout was so silent, you could practically hear Joe’s pounding heartbeat, quickening by the second.

Joe laughed. “Right.” He said. He didn’t want to be in this situation anymore, and he knew that he was above Carter. He wasn’t bothered. 

Carter smiled. “Does she still have that thing with hair-pulling? That was weird but you know, it was kinda hot.” A few boys laughed and some slapped their hands over their mouths. He was just trying to get a dig at Joe, and he knew it worked when he looked at him, completely speechless.

Joe’s vision went blurry with pure, unadulterated anger. Ben had seen that look in Joe’s eyes before. He recognized it from the night at the party before Joe hit Carter. He knew they were close to recreating exactly what happened that night. He stood up and grabbed Joe’s arm. “Don’t even bother. It’s not worth it.” He muttered to him.

Joe glanced at Ben. Ben shook his head and Joe sighed, giving into Ben and turning around. He stormed out, Ben following close behind.

The game started and it was pretty slow at first. Your team started in the outfield, Joe playing second base and Ben playing centerfield. You could tell within the first 5 minutes that Joe was having a bad day.

Joseph Mazzello had never had a bad day in baseball. Even the days that he would consider “bad” were good. He was the star player on the team and everyone knew it. 

When the second inning came around, Joe was 2nd up to bat. He struck out within the first 3 pitches. He threw his bat on the ground and stormed into the dugout.

“Yikes.” Gwilym said.

“He’s never like that.” Lucy noted.

Watching him intently as he sat down on the bench, you sighed. You knew he was pissed off, you could tell by how he was over-swinging. As he scanned the crowd you locked eyes with him and gave him a sympathetic smile. He looked away.

You watched in agony as the game went on, Joe doing worse and worse. Joe knew he had never fucked up this bad before and he was humiliated to say the least. Every time he saw you in the crowd, or remembered you were there, he let it get under his skin. He was letting his personal life and personal problems seep into his baseball skills.

In the 5th inning, the bases were loaded. The sun was high in the sky and the field was quiet as the next player stepped up to bat. Joe was in the outfield, punching his hand into his glove, trying not to lose his mind.

A loud crack let everyone know that the ball had been hit. It flew across the field, straight in Joe’s direction. It bounced once on the ground and he caught it. He turned towards home and wound up, throwing the ball as hard as he could. The second he let go, he knew he had made a mistake. He felt something rip in his shoulder, pain overtaking his whole left half. Soon he was on the ground, holding his arm. 

“Oh, fucking christ.” You breathed, standing up to run to the fence.

At first, not many players noticed. A few walked over to him, bending over to ask if he was okay.

Ben saw the commotion from all the way across the field as the umpire called a time-out. Ben ran across the diamond and weaved through players of both teams to kneel at Joe’s side.

“Holy shit, Joe, what happened.” He asked. 

“My fucking shoulder.” Joe groaned through gritted teeth. The coach was crouched on the other side of him, all of them equally confused as to what to do. 

You clung onto the fence, trying to figure out what was happening. “I think it’s his arm or something.” You said.

“Looks like his shoulder.” Gwilym added, standing next to you.

The coach lightly took Joe’s hand away from his arm. “Yeah, it’s dislocated.” Joe groaned again and sat up. 

“We’ve got to get him out of here.” The coach said to Ben, the only other person really trying to help.

“Joe, can you stand up?” Ben asked. Joe nodded and, with a wince, stood up. You all sighed in relief as he slowly walked off of the field, Ben right by his side.

You, Gwil, and Lucy all ran to the dugout that Joe had sat down in. Gwilym was the only one to hesitate to go in, not knowing if you were allowed. You practically ran in to see Joe sitting on the bench, the coach crouched down in front of him.

Joe looked up and met your eyes, and the second he did, he started crying. “Oh my god, Joey, are you okay?” You asked, walking over to him.

He shook his head and continued to cry. “I fucked up my shoulder.” You moved to where the coach was previosuly, crouching down in front of him on the bench. You looked up at him and put your hand on his cheek to wipe his tears that were mixing with his black under-eye facepaint.

“We’re gonna call an ambulance.” The coach said.

“We don’t have to do that.” Joe spoke up. 

“Do you want to drive 20 minutes to the hospital with a dislocated shoulder?” The coach asked. Joe shook his head sheepishly. 

You pulled your phone out and went to his mom's contact. “You wanna talk to her or do you want me to?” You asked as it rang.

“You can tell her.” He sniffed. 

“Hello?” His mom said.

Standing up, you scratched the back of your head. “Hey, Mrs. Mazzello. I’m at Joe’s baseball game right now, and don’t worry, he’s okay, but I think he dislocated his shoulder.” You said.

You paced in the dugout while you were talking to his mom and Ben sat down next to Joe. He put a hand on his back and rubbed it a few times. Despite the current situation, you were still a little bit shocked by the way they were getting along.

Sirens sounded in the distance as you hung up the phone. “She’s meeting us at the hospital.” You stated.

As Joe was being put into the ambulance, you all watched. None of you were allowed to go in the ambulance with him since you weren’t family and he wasn’t in critical condition.

“Okay, let’s follow the ambulance.” Gwil said, setting a hand on your shoulder.

“Yeah we should probably go now, then.” Ben said.

You turned to him. “You don’t want to stay and finish the game?” You asked.

“Are you crazy? I’m going to be with Joe.” He said. “Now, let’s go.”

The rest of the day felt like a blur. You remember having to leave the room when they were going to snap Joe’s shoulder back into place, not being able to stomach it. At the end of the day, right before he was going to leave, you and Joe were left alone in his hospital room. You sat in the small cushioned chair next to his bed and sighed.

“I guess this is what I get for playing like shit.” He laughed.

You shook your head, giggling. He reached out his hand, opening it for you to grab. You took his hand in yours and he smiled smally. 

“I don’t know if this is the right time to do this, but I’m sorry for the way I reacted the other day.” He said.

Tightening your grip on his hand, you locked eyes with him. “It’s okay. I don’t blame you, I should’ve told you sooner.”

He sighed. “I know it’s not his fault or anything.”

You nodded. “I just feel so bad.”

It was silent for a moment, the cool hospital air almost making you shiver. “Just promise me you’re mine, okay?” He asked softly.

“I promise, Joe.” You said. He lifted your hand to his lips and kissed it.

Coincidentally, Ben entered the room. “Hey.” He said, standing in the doorway. “You good?” 

Joe nodded. “As good as I can be after tearing 5 ligaments in my shoulder.”

He laughed. “Okay, well I’m gonna get going.”

You both said okay and he started to turn around, only paying a little attention to the fact you were holding hands. 

“Thank you, Ben.” Joe said. Ben turned back to look at him. “I know you didn’t have to help me today or come here or anything, and I would understand why if you didn’t, but you did. So thanks for that.”

“Of course.” It was quiet again. “You’re my best friend.” He said, immediately holding his breath after saying it, scared of Joe’s response.

Joe nodded. “Yeah.”

Ben smiled and turned around, finally leaving the room. After kissing Joe goodbye multiple times, you left the hospital. When you got home, you flopped onto your bed and pulled out your phone, texting Joe (per his request) that you had made it home safe. 

You opened Instagram and saw that Ben had posted. It was a picture of Joe in his hospital bed, Ben sitting in the chair beside him as they both gave the camera a thumbs up.

The caption read, “When life gives you lemons, you throw the lemons so hard that you dislocate your shoulder.”

You let out a small laugh at the caption and liked the post, then scrolled to the comments. 

Joe commented, “I have the best friends ever. (I am typing this with one hand.)”

You couldn’t help but smile. Things were normal.

[ana-deaky]

It’s The Little Things || Joe Mazzello x Reader

What started out as a discussion between me and @amethyst-serenade on how cute Joe is, blown out into this story/HC, I honestly don’t know what this is. It’s definitely fluffy, now that I’m sure. Hope you guys enjoy our work!!

Words: 2393

No warnings whatsoever

HERE WE GO!!

Oh without a doubt! He's gonna be an amazing father and his kids will be adorable and lovable just like him.

Imagine him with his firstborn (especially if it's a girl) holding them in his arms and the absolute adoration on his face ♥️

It would start when you tell him you're pregnant. He'd be beside you (crying a little), kissing and hugging you, and your belly and telling "I'm gonna be a dad. We're gonna be parents."

Even when before you start showing, his hands will be on the belly, secretly protecting his kid. Involuntarily yelling "excuse me" and "coming through" when the two of you walk through crowds. And randomly talking to the baby, reading to the baby at night. And when he goes on a shoot while you're pregnant and he calls and he says "put the phone on speaker, I wanna talk to the baby" and talks about the day.

And he'd be showing everyone the ultrasound pic! And when you're having a movie night, he'd either have his hand or his head on your belly, constantly snuggling into you. And he'll tell anyone who'll listen that his beautiful wife is expecting your first child. And during the movie, if anybody cusses, Joe would put his hands on the sides of the belly and he'd say "too early for that" jokingly.

Oh Joe won't be able to hold it in for the first trimester. The day the second trimester hits, the ultrasound will be on his page and he'll share an entire paragraph about the baby and his incredible wife.

And obviously help throw the best damn dramatic Baby Gender Reveal Party ever!! YES! It's a girl!!

The moment he feels the baby kick over your belly, god, here comes the water works AGAIN!! His hands will be literally glued to your belly until he feels her kick again.

And the day comes when little Ms. Mazzello is ready to make her grand entrance into the world and you bet your ass, Mr. Mazzello has had the hospital bag and ready to go right after the baby shower.

And there she was, Ella Virginia Mazzello, the absolute adoration in his face as he watched his little girl in a tiny bundle on her mom's chest.

His face would be all lit up when he finally holds his baby girl, he's looking at his baby girl, all teary eyed and you could see his love for the baby in his eyes. And he'll literally worship the mother of his more than adorable baby, the love of his life and love her like anything.

He'd be loving and considerate, and would make sure his wife is happy and comfortable. And he tries his best to for you to let him dress the baby in the Yankees onesie he got for her. Well he knows how that's gonna end up.

Let us assume the fact that Ben has a baby boy around that time and Gwil makes a joke "that's your future boyfriend" when the boys visit the new mother and baby at Joe's home and Joe whispers to the baby, pretty audibly, "No dating for you until 16, young lady"

And on one day when the Yankees are playing, he'll be wearing a Yankees tshirt and dresses the baby in the Yankees onesie that he specifically got for her, and seats her on his lap, he'll post that picture captioned "Just two Yankees fans hangin' out"

His phone memory will be filled up with all of Ella's pictures, videos of her bouncing up and down on her father's lap to one of those Beatles songs from her dad's collection and obviously in her Halloween costume, that's right, Joe dresses up his little girl in a baby Raptor costume.

And all the boys would give him shit for it but Lucy would think it's the most adorable thing ever and tell you how lucky you are to have a husband like that.

As his little girl grows up, he'll help her host tea parties and he'd take her on daddy-daughter dates so he can show her how a REAL man should treat her.

Joe would make sure his little girl don't take no crap!

Second time along, during their second gender reveal, they find they're having a baby boy and he'll go crazy raising his hands and jumping up and down "we're having a boy, our lil baseball player is here."

He'd be going on and on and ON about having a firstborn son to carry on the family name.

He'd DEFINITELY get him a raptor onesie first and practically beg to organise play dates with Gwil & Dana's little girl and Rami and Lucy's twins (we haven't forgotten Ben's kids)

And Joe's baby girl, he'll definitely be by her side when his baby boy is too little so that she don't feel left out or anything.

********

And Mother's Day,

The boys would all get together and plan something special for the ladies so they don't have to lift a finger. Starting with breakfast in bed (that Joe made with help from the kids), well you woke up to your little girl's giggles from outside the door and in comes your lovely husband with your baby boy in the baby carrier and Ella.

The boys would have booked the girls in for a spa day and he'll organise daddy-daycare with the boys. Then you'd all go to Rami & Lucy's place for dinner, which of course, the dads are making while the girls hangout with the kids. And then comes a bab(ies)y-mommy photoshoot and everything.

But Joe would find you when the baby's hungry because 'that's the one thing I can't do, sorry!' He'll be so dramatic saying "My nipples are useless."

Under the starry skies, the boys and their wives and babies, pictures perfect.

Ooh and the kids, well the boys will set up tents for them to camp in the backyard. And they'll sit around and tell stories of dragons and pirates and wizards; and let their imaginations run wild.

Imagine Gwil telling all these amazing stories with his soothing accent, doing all the voices and making the kids laugh while the rest of you are enjoying a beer or a glass of wine under the fairy lights hanging in the trees. And later, when he gets an acoustic guitar and break into a song and all the boys sing along.

And after the kids are down, all of you reminisce about the time when they did BoRhap and all the fun you guys had during press tours and birthdays and holidays.

And Joe tells about the adventures in Japan for the press tour when the translators were finding it hard to keep up with the boys. And Ben's like "Sorry I missed it!"

"But Cardboard Ben did" and that's when they remember Ben Cardy after an awful long time

Then Gwil and Joe explain the terrible night that Cardy B was in jail. Meanwhile you and the girls look at each other like "Boys!" 🙄

And Lucy takes out Joe's YouTube page and shows all the videos. And they all give him shit for doing 'Milk' and you be like "He still got the occasional screams."

Then Rami says "so THAT'S your bedroom secret, Joe?" And Joe's like "Well, we've got two kids so it must be working!" And you shove at his arm to keep him quiet saying "Joseph!"

"That's nothing",  Lucy says with a grin "Rami sings to me". And Rami covers his face with his hands and Ben shoves his arm. "Gwil goes "Huzzah" everytime he's done", says Dana from a corner. Ben gives Olivia a warning look, and Olivia says "Ben tells me to call him Skywalker to get him in the mood" and Joe laughs.

"So we all have weird quirks, cheers to that", says Joe and takes a drink and you go like eww

"That's why were friends", says Gwil. "Joe and I are more like brothers' says Rami, "We've seen each other shirtless in The Pacific". "And other things" says Ben. Lucy rolls her eyes and you two give each other a look.

"Here we go again" says Gwil and turns to you to ask "Has he tried to make the kids watch The Pacific yet?"

"Well it's not my fault. That the scene was TOO GOOD, y'know", says Joe winking, "besides you enjoy it as much as I do" says Joe to you.

"Several times. Barely made it halfway through the first episode before Ella said she was bored. He then tried with Joey until I reminded him that the baby is, in fact, still a baby. But when WE watch it, Joe always seems really interested in THAT sex scene", you said. "Joseph!" Lucy gasps

"Attaboy!" Rami chuckles and pats Joe on his back.

"How come you guys never watched it with me?", Ben asks. "We should do a "The Pacific" watch party one day", Rami announces and Joe toasts, "To the watchparty!"

"Oh she hesitated! That means it's true!" says Ben. "No wonder you've got two kids" Gwil grins.

"You watched it too!" says Dana. "Only because Rami and Joe wouldn't shut up about it and brought it up in EVERY interview we did!" says Gwil.

Just as Joe does the toast, your daughter comes out in her favourite unicorn pyjamas. "Daddy, I need to pee". Joe looks over at you. Rami and Lucy giggle. "She did call Daddy, didn't she?", you gave a look to Joe and he says "Come here" he says and picks up his daughter and off he goes. "She walks right?", Dana asks. "Don't even get me started with that.", you told.

"Always knew he'd go all gooey over his little girl." Ben says, lighting a cigarette. "She's definitely daddy's princess", you sigh. "Does he have tea parties with her?" Olivia asks. "He does, but uh" you hesitate just as Joe comes back, "Liv wants to know about your latest tea party"

"Oh what can I say Ella loves tea parties as much as I do. It's incredible and so much fun, you know" he says. "And this one here", he gestures to you, "is kinda jealous of us spending all the time together."

"You pinky promised me that you wouldn't show it to anyone" says Joe trying to grab your phone. "Oh its them", you said. "Yes it's us. Also pinky promise? How old are you guys?", Gwil asked.

"Yeah, Joe left me for a younger woman", you grin, sipping your wine. "You bastard!" Gwil gasps.

"And yet I have photographic evidence of you wearing a flower crown" you add. "Show us!", says Ben.

"That's just the start of it, Gwil", you wink, "so we have a choice between the flower crown, the fairy wings or the unicorn headband". Ben chokes on his cigarette and the girls laugh.

"You're a man of many hidden talents, Joe", Rami smirks.

"In my defense, I take pinky promises very very seriously", Joe said as the group passed the phone around, "Also I looked good in every one of those pictures"

"Y/N, tell them", Joe said. You roll your eyes. "He looks good in every one of those pictures", you said, adding to Dana "otherwise he'll sulk for the rest of the night." Dana giggles.

"Speaking of onesies, Joe wanted to get BoRhap themed outfits for the kids.", you said. "Thats so thoughtful, Joe", Lucy said. "Hold on, next time?", Ben grinned, "You guys wanna have more kids?"

"Did you get that onesie that we sent you for the baby?" Ben asked. "We did", you confirm "and it fits perfectly. Though El almost threw a tantrum when she saw her baby brother dressed as a raptor."

"Well Joe has already bought a Yankees one, so Ben had to compromise", said Rami. "Joe made me pinky promise that we HAD to buy the Yankees onesie first", you grin. "I wanted that for the baby's "homecoming" outfit, but she didn't allow it. Both times. Better luck next time, right?" Joe said.

'It's Joey's first Christmas. They're growing up so fast. I remember like it was yesterday that I told Joe that I was pregnant with El. Now here we are", and you were interrupted by a baby crying through one of the monitors. All of you scramble around to check which one was active. And found out it was yours, "Is he hearing all this? I'm gonna go check on him", you said and walked away.

"Oh he's already advised me of this, on the wedding night", you shrugged. "Pretty sure we conceived lil Joey at your place, Gwil", Joe grins, making Gwil sputter on his beer. You swatted his arm, "Joe!!".

"And I assume you've already found these outfits for the kids?" Olivia asked.

"It's a work in progress. It should be ready by the time of our Disney trip, hopefully", Joe said.

You sat in the rocking chair with Joey in your arms, singing to him softly, looking deep into his hazel eyes, stroking his cheek with your finger.

"I remember when you told us that Y/N was pregnant again", said Lucy, "You couldn't wait give give El a baby brother or sister."

"That's what you meant when you said you were busy, huh"' Rami winked. "We thought it was time, you know, El became a big sister."

******

"Gosh, I feel bad for not saying goodnight to everyone", you yawned "I didn't realise how tired I was.". You watched as the baby snuggled into the pastel green blanket, sound asleep.

You felt the baby lifted off your arms and opened your eyes, your fingers tightening on the baby "Shhhh its okay, it's me. I got him.", said Joe as he took the baby in his arm and laid him down on the bassinet right by the bedside. "Aren't you supposed to be downstairs?", you asked sleepy

"I knew you'd have dozed off with the baby when you didn't show up and everybody was tired after the long night. Probably asleep by now", Joe said, "Come let's go to sleep."

'C'mon now, in you get', Joe said pulling the duvet aside and you got in and he behind you. His strong arms wrapped around you after he pulled the blanket over the both of you. You nuzzled into his neck. Joe kissed the top of your head. As the two of you dozed off.

......

Tags: @amethyst-serenade @jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels @mazzell-ro @thosequeenboys @detectivecutiepantsandhisbabyfox @brinteylovesaliens @hellysthings

[alexiaugustin]

pls give your honest opinions on eliola friendship / relationship 🤣

Okay so I think that most people already know that I'm not found of it at all so at the beginning I just wanna say that I do not hate it simply because I want to hate it and everything that happens on that show, but because I was thrilled and had high expectations when they first announced that they would have a brother- sister relationship this season. So everything I'm gonna say now isn't coming from a place of hate but complete and utter disappointment because that's what their storyline was. Also disclaimer; everything I'm gonna say isn't me hating the characters but me criticizing the writing and how the writing made both of them quite unsympathetic at times.

So let's begin with the first lola/eliott clip I ever really liked and that was their first meeting at the funeral. I just like how Eliott noticed that she was all alone and decided to talk to her because that's probably smth he wishes people would have done for him when he was lonely. I loved their bickering n how Eliott was the second person who made Lola genuinely smile that season and just like Maya he didn't let Lola's cold attitude throw him off. So being the naive clown I was I actually believed that they might do something good with them and that their storyline could live up to my expectations but oh hell no.

The opportunity of them getting closer n talking at the urbex party was right there and skam france just didn't use it. I actually thought that they would drop a clip after midnight as the first clip of ep3 where they would start making conversation because they were all hanging out with eachother anyway and then maybe start following eachother on instagram or smth. But no. Eliott and Lola meeting eachother at that urbex party wasn't there to develop their friendship and make them have a natural connection in the clips afterwards. Eliott being an urbex legend wasn't there to actually give his character more depth, it was just there so Eliott could lie to Lucas and Lola knowing about it so she could manipulate Eliott in ep8 but we're coming back to that plot later.

Well yeah wasted potential on that urbex party let's talk about the next party where they meet again: Daphné's birthday party. Again I know that it's a party and it's likely for people to just talk to everyone so I wouldn't say that Eliott and Lola talking there was coming out of nowhere. What did come out of nowhere tho, was their dialogue: "We're the same you and I" I'm sorry but first of all what teenager talks like that??? And second of all what exactly do you even know about eachother. Ah yeah right nothing because you never really talked to eachother before. I know that in interviews they have made up a whole background story as to why Eliott felt so cOnNeCtEd to her but none of this was ever brought up on screen so for me there's no explanation why he would say smth like that. Then the whole urbex lying to Lucas convo yada yada I pretend not to understand french and we're just gonna skip over that part of ep3 now. Next clip of the party Lola feels lonely and left out because Thierry acts like Daphné is his only daughter and for some reason Eliott looks @ Lola from across the room like that: [I'm to lazy to put a screenshot of the scene but y'all know the shot I'm talking about] and I remember the evening they dropped that clip and everyone was yelling and thinking that this look means that he's gonna fall in love with her. Yeah at best I would think that this looks like falling in love, at worst this look reminds me of Joe Goldberg. And I know that the scrip wasn't like: Eliott side eyes Lola like some penetrator from across the room but it really looked like that and it's the director's job to correct Maxence's acting because that really really wasn't it.

Next eliola clip is Lola going to Eliott's video shop. How she knew that he was working at that exact place at this exact time will forever stay a mystery. If only skam france would remember that they are a transmedia show and Eliott and Lola could have just texted after Daphné's birthday party??? But no she was just completely out of nowhere visiting him at his workplace and don't get me wrong the clip itself was good and them watching a movie together cute but I still wanna know where it suddenly came from. She didn't even seem to like him that much before so her going there when she wasn't feeling well just threw me off and I was like okayyyy whatever. It truly feels like they either deleted clips in between or forgot to upload some text messages.

Aymeric plot: I was kind of torn between liking the clip n disliking it because back when they dropped the clip I was just glad that Eliott got Lola out of there and I knew that he would bring her to his flat so she would feel safe but on the other hand I'm not a huge fan of this whole savior trope in general even tho I do get that it made sense for her to call him in that situation. But now that the season is over I don't even have to feel torn and can just say that I absolutely hate this whole storyline because they used sexual assault as a plot device so they wouldn't have to come up with some complex writing ideas to build up their friendship. So the next day skamfr acted like sexual assault isn't something traumatizing and never brought it up again it truly just existed so Eliott could play hero and Eliott and Lola could be friends. It was never brought up again not even in one single fucking conversation. How fun😑😑

I've said it before and I will say it again I will always hate that Lucas was allowed to have many friends and hang out with them whenever he wanted n be affectionate with them while Eliott's only friendship was actively written to cause problems in their relationship. I'm not even blaming Lucas' for his reactions this season because I'm sure that I would have reacted the same way if I were him but they could have just written the eliott/lola friendship in a decent way and left lucas out of it. It would have been really simple but instead they chose to make almost every Lola n Eliott interaction a problem between Lucas and Eliott and then they never even solved their relationship problems, not even off screen so that's truly a whole next level of skamfr being one hell of a stupid show.

Apart from that I really really liked the Saturday clips and they were the only clips I ever got sibling vibes from. Eliott being ready to run with Lola so she wouldn't have to face Daphné and Lola saying that she's gonna take responsibility and Eliott looking at her like a proud big brother> very cute also the way Eliott and Lola both got to speak for themselves about their mental health was one of my fave convos this season even tho- and call me a petty bitch for that- they even ruined that clip for me when Lola used everything Eliott told her in that clip against him later🙃🙃

The whole movie plot is ridiculous and I'm actually too tired to bring all of it up again so I'm just gonna say that Eliott asking a girl with zero acting experience and a crew with zero filming experience to shoot his uni project with him still has me laughing until today. No way in hell that this is something realistic to happen but #ohboy #nicetry for trying to sell that storyline. Eliott and Lola should have never kissed n they should have either changed the script to a friendship version of L&O for Lola and Eliott or let Maya take over Eliott's role when she showed up. This way it would have actually had a meaning for s6 and it would have made sense to end the season with a screening for that movie project. But what the hell was skamfr tryna tell us with that eliola kiss storyline?? The moral n the message where????

Ughhhh my favorite storyline: episode 8. Well I was gone over one weekend and this is the shit I came back home to. Let me tell you it really wasn't fun to watch these four clips in a row I literally had to pause the videos the entire time just to yell n question if I was hallucinating that shit. If their friendship wasn't written badly before then this was definitely the last straw for me. We all know what happened I'm not gonna explain it again let me just say that if I were Eliott I would have felt so damn betrayed and would have never just forgiven that shit in a week. Imagine trusting someone that much with your past and stories about your mental illness and relationship n even your relationship issues and all this person does is using everything you ever told them and even more (still wanna know how she knew abt the houseboat story) against you to manipulate you into drinking which then triggers you into a depressiv episode. Who wrote this and thought that we would still be rooting for this friendship?????

And well yeah that pretty much was it for the eliott/lola sIbLiNg storyline this season. Eliott didn't get to speak for himself about what happened and Lola only apologized for having called him and making him stay at the party but they never actually acknowledged what happened at that party and Eliott just took the blame n happy ending!!! They didn't even get one scene in the last clip together so that already shows us how the writers really didn't give a damn about their friendship this season and it solely existed to serve the mc and to get us to watch the new season n not because they actually cared and let's just say that one could really really notice that🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️