#and i was feeling shit this week anyway then i got COVID and bc of that i’m missing a concert i really wanted to go to

[hikeyzz]

a distant friend from college asked about the recovery for getting your tonsils taken out. how do i say "it was the worst scariest most horrible recovery period ever" without totally freaking them out??? bc like they'll probably have a normal experience. i literally had the worst case scenario happen but it's extremely unlikely to happen for them. like the odds are literally less than 5%. but also how do i give advice for the average recovery when mine wasn't??? do i even tell them how bad mine was just to prepare them?? idk man

[goatsandgangsters]

okay so today was Some Fuck and I'll give you the abridged version of the emotions bc those got resolved but I'm still ticked at my stepdad's mom for being out of pocket and I wanna bitch about that

so THE FEELINGS PROBLEM (short-ish version) is that my mom has an aggressive neurological disease that suddenly reduced her mobility and speech by A Lot earlier this year and it is going to continue getting worse and she's in a lot of pain, so this visit has been A Lot emotionally and also just logistically bc she has a lot of caregiving needs and the whole thing is simply a sucky reality for all

the cast here is me, my parents (amicably divorced), my stepdad (married to my mom), and his mother

anyway, holidays, magnifying glass on those kinds of emotions, etc. we sit down for brunch, I am hit with The Wave of Emotions That I've Been Having No Time To Deal With All Week, and I scurry away for a sob

and unfortunately my family's response to Someone Getting Upset And Crying has always been to politely ignore it and give them space, which was NOT what I needed today and it made me more upset to be crying by myself on christmas while everyone was having brunch that I made without me

anyway, my stepdad finally came to talk to me and that helped, I felt better, we had brunch. but afterwards to Acknowledge And Resolve The Emotions, I expressed to my parents that this Felt Very Shitty, they apologized and said they thought they were doing the right thing by giving me space, there was crying but not any arguing, it all could've been manageable

except my stepdad's mom, FOR SOME FUCKIN REASON, decides to chime in. even though I am talking to MY PARENTS because I never... had any expectation.... that she would talk to me about my feelings??

and she goes "well I didn't even notice you were upset" (okay thanks) "I just thought you were worried about your friend" [aka my partner who has covid]

and I am already crying and also wasn't talking to her in the first place, so I snap "you mean my partner who I've been in a relationship with for 10 years!"

she immediately throws up her hands and shouts to my stepdad in the other room "come take me home! I don't need all this drama!"

kudos to my stepdad for completely ignoring her and sitting down

kinda fucking pissed that she's chalking me being upset about my mom's terminal illness to "drama" but whatever. she sat there tippy tapping on her phone the whole rest of the time while my mom and I were tearfully talking out The Difficulties of The Situation

AND! When she first arrived! I was scurrying around doing Tasks for my mom and I had to smuggle some unwrapped gifts past people, so I just shove it under my shirt and go "nothing to see here!"

several minutes later, she thinks of the quip she wants to make and calls out to me "you look like you've gained weight!" and I'm like............ okay. because it's been several minutes and also moments ago she was talking about how our dog gained weight so I thought she was just, y'know, on an observational kick or whatever. my stepdad, grimacing, clarifies "as opposed to things hidden under your shirt" and I'm like ah

and then I guess bc the joke didn't land the first time, when I'm continuing to run around doing Tasks, she goes "you're going to lose 10 lbs doing that!" so necessary.

anyway. her little quips were not like, the bulk of my Emotional Shit today, they were just unfortunate little cherries on top and also the most bitch-about-able.

also that was like... genuinely the extent of what she said Directly to me today so like, thanks merry christmas. at least I don't see her much when I'm visiting and fortunately won't again this trip

the Big Emotions with my parents I had the chance to talk out and resolve, I got to talk to all three of them one-on-one today, they understood and acknowledged my feelings and that it's been very difficult on everyone and that they were sorry for giving me space instead of checking in on me, IT WAS A SUCKY FIRST PART OF THE DAY BUT IT GOT RESOLVED

but. man. tf was my stepdad's mom on about.

[whsprings]

when i think about my ed/mental illness history it's so hard to differentiate what treatments helped and what did nothing and what made things worse. my ed started in high school, but it wasn't that bad/I didn't do shit about it until 2019. that year I also moved across the ocean for 5 months and then across the country for another 3. and when I finally tried to get help I was repeatedly told I wasn't thin/sick enough to have an ed. when i did get someone to listen to me and got a formal dx, I was literally run over a week later and spent two weeks hospitalized with seven broken bones. which wasn't traumatic in the slightest 🙃 anyway i leave the hospital (and immediatly go back to school bc i am clinically insane) and get medicated for my mental health and start seeing a therapist/dietitian and my ed just. continuously gets worse. I finally get talked into doing ed iop and the week before i'm supposed to start the world shuts down because of covid. like I remember emailing my therapist in a panic bc I had no idea what I was supposed to do. and to the surprise of absolutely no one, my ed gets worse throughout iop and i end up in res etc etc.

after my second res stay I got put on pristiq and oh boyyyy that shit fucked me up. like uncontrollable emotional volatility, dramatic escalation in sh, my team thought I had bpd, and I came 👌 this close to an attempt.

there's a lot more to the story obviously but idk, was it all the extenuating life circumstances that led to my ed getting worse? was it getting medicated? was it seeing a treatment team and feeling like I needed to prove my sickness to them after being invalidated so many times? was it going to treatment and being around a bunch of other sick people and picking up new bx and ways of comparing myself? if I had never sought help would things have remained mostly manageable like in hs? or would my ed have gotten worse with time anyway? who knows not me!!

all this because I was thinking about being back on naltrexone for a few months (and how I initially fought it bc of the stigma around that particular med as it's usually prescribed to addicts) and coming to the unfortunate conclusion that it may actually be helping?? like sh has been wayyyyy down since starting the med again. but then again, last time I was on it it didn't do shit, so is it the med that helped or is it a better understanding of skills??

you see the problem??

[unicornachos]

Just some life updates & long ass random journalling

Saw multiple posts across social media over the break about ppl who need their routine and I'm the complete opposite. Truly thrive without routine. Never get bored. A++ marks in chilling skills. Could chill for the rest of my life and never need to go back to a routine

There's so much to do in life that's not work... I don't even think about work when I'm on leave bc I instantly enter my little world of food and books and art and films and fandom and watching video game playthroughs and nature appreciation (what I can get these days anyway given my severe mobility limitations bc of chronic pain). It's so easy to drift away from the real world and coming back is jarring and hard and a bit depressing :(

My therapy to better manage unhelpful thoughts over the past 2 years seems to be working tho bc I pulled myself out of my spiral today by journalling about it 🤙🏻 That was easier than usual bc I was in contract hell for the past 1.5 yrs, but last month I had to go through a deeply horrendous & stressful process of re-applying & re-interviewing for my own job to be made permanent (govt job bullshittery) that I had no guarantee of getting. But I got it and now I'll get a pay rise! It's scary bc more responsibility and more work which is not great for my attempts at recovery. But at the same time permanent job means I can have some sense of financial security, which is HUGE for me given all my health troubles and my uncertain future. I have no idea if I'll ever get better and so any sense of certainty I can have in anything in my life feels like a lifeline.

Oh speaking of therapy. I'm gonna try working with a new lady this year (in addition to reg psych) who is not a psych or medical professional but does pain reprocessing therapy. It doesn't sound very legit but I had a quick meeting with her a few weeks ago and we bonded over the uselessness of the medical system and she seems calm and someone who will listen to me and adjust based on what she thinks might work best for me. Idk if it will work or whether I'll be disciplined enough or capable of forging any new neural pathways away from the pain ones, seeing we still think I could have nerve damage or some other weird shit going on that we don't understand causing the pain, but I'm gonna give it a go 💪🏻 I'm gonna book regular appointments with her (while still trying to work a busy full-time job sighs) for a few months and just see what she's like to work with. I have nothing to lose by trying!

Other than that... What else. I made art last year despite it being a really hard year of stress and stagnation with my health. I got obsessed with JayVik. I started reading Realm of the Elderlings and I'm even More obsessed with that and 11 books in and liveblogging it all over at @unicornachos2. I made a Bluesky for my personal acct (unicornachos as usual) and one for my art (lesovyart also as usual).

I made a spoonie group chat which gives me a lot of support but also gives me the satisfaction of being able to support others, too. I stopped trying to reach out to a lot of people in my old city who don't reach out to me nor seem to care about keeping me safe. I celebrated my 30th birthday in October with people who respect my need to protect mine (and each other's) health, who were willing to isolate before visiting or mask during.

I made new work friends and even though some of them are leaving bc of the upheaval with our roles I think I'll still stay in contact with them a lot. And they all respect my need to keep safe from covid and other stuff too. Some of them came to visit me in winter for an outdoor picnic in my suburb and they brought me vegan pastries :')

I have really sad days where the loss of my mobility and personal freedom makes me cry in honestly bottomless grief. I get a horrible aching in my chest if I think about it all too much. They don't come as often as they used to bc I have a lot going on in my life and I have good things to distract me, but the grief and uncertainty for my future is still there.

I think the grief has made me weirdly less susceptible to other forms of it. Or things that would usually trigger stronger sadness in me now don't. Before I'd tear up at the slightest sad thing- in life, in a tv show, movie, whatever. We lost a family friend this year and I didn't shed a tear, and I know I usually would have. I've always fully felt my emotions, processed them, let them move through me and out. But it's like... The pain of what I've lost is so monumental that other losses or sadnesses don't feel as... close to me. I feel a slight distance from them. I don't know if I like that because it doesn't feel like me and who I've always been, and been proud of being. But I think my brain is trying to protect me and so I feel... neutral about it I think. It's doing what it has to, to help me get through.

OH and finally, we're switching gears completely LOL, I've decided that I'm gonna buy myself a switch when the new one comes out (supposedly) in March. I can't play PC games anymore bc I have to be horizontal 95% of the time, and there's no comfy way to arrange my setup at home to accommodate this. So I've been watching playthroughs of stuff instead. But I think I deserve a reward for getting through last year and getting a permanent job! So I'm gonna get a switch and then I'm gonna play the fuck out of tales of the shire as soon as it comes out and run around foraging mushrooms and baking pies and growing plants etc.

Finally, ig I'll spill everything here bc why not. I've been thinking lately I'd like to try and date but I have NO idea how to make that happen. I feel like my life is so busy and chaotic and uncertain and I can't get anywhere myself and can't travel very far for very long. And my emotional availability is questionable, lol. But I just kinda wish I had A Person™ or A Partner™ to rely on and be interested in and to have a crush on someone again. I miss flirting!!!!! I miss dating!!!!!! I miss going out for drinks in the city and going on walks and going to gigs and queer events... I can't do any of that now. It's been a rly long time since I've had that bc the last few years have been so hard. And my life is so full of... Full-time work and enjoying my hobbies while I can and trying to take care of myself and do my meditations and manage my pain and mental health with zero medications and my completely fucked sleep. And I think about where my symptoms are at and I have no idea if they'll ever get better. At the start of 2024 I got even worse and then just plateaued. But I'd like for things to improve, even slightly, if possible, before I would even feel ok and not guilty with trying to make something like that happen. I've always just felt like I know there's a person out there who's perfect for me and I have a very clear picture of the kind of person that would be, but I have to go out and find them somehow. And I know it'll be hard probably bc I'm so weird and particular. And I wonder if an able-bodied person would become frustrated with how little options I have for where I can go and what I can do, but I don't see how I could go on dates unless I did date someone who can physically do all those things. It also doesn't help that I'm extremely picky lmfao. So ig I'll just keep it in the back of my mind for now and see how the next few months go.

That's my brain dump into the ether of Tumblr for the night!!!!!!!! I have my first day back at work tmrw but I don't regret staying up and writing all this out tbh

[mr-moonfucker]

when that nurofin 400mg kicks in

not yet tho ill be back

ignore acheron. she represent the mother fucking homework i procrastenated, bc guess what it'd be in vein anyways. 99 percent of procrastinators write that fucking essey riiiiight before they geat a reallllly good excuse not to.

xoxo by barely human is sooooooo aventurine coded i swearrrrrrrrrrr. that shouldve been him but hoyo was too busy writing the y/n ahh backstory. oh well yiu win some you lose some

all of these shouldve been their own 2 note posts

but gusss what

its a remix.

anyways ive been hiding candy from my fatass brother and he just found it, today. last time ive seen bro this betrayed is when i pretended to snitch kn him bwahahaaaa

not even that much bro

like 3

it's my princess rizz fund, idk i like being the manly man provider rawr sometimes yk, i like to see his face light up n shit

fatass brother ate rest of the pack of idk 30?

no sympathy for the bigback

that shit still hasnt kicked in im frezzzkngggggggggggg

wahwah

did yall hear aboutwhat diddy did

all im saying is

there's no lady gaga on that list 🚂🚂🚂🚂🚂💯💯💯🕺🕺🌋🌋🌋🤷

can yall tell i hot so bored from staying home ive downloaded tiktok again,???? cause i did

the new mozart song is bussin

cant believe we got more mozart before we got hannibal s4, yk damn well hannibal would've had smth deep n emo to say about it

i love yallllll

hand reveal

i got bangs last friday

i look dapperrrrrr

no face reveal tho. hands r ngiugh

i wanna sleeeo

byt head hurty

nauseous

i feel bad for saying my princess dude would get sick a week in and dissappear.😕

karmas a bitch

i shouldn't have said that

if i had a wish i would have never goofed around

so yeah i got hit with the big fat fireball of victorian orphan child syndrome instead. it was deserved, but i also havent been to school since wensday, so,,,,

oooooo nurofin might be kicking in

or my bed is finnaly warm

bruh

i wated to go to schoool soooo bad tommorowwww... hadn't even been this exited for the first day of school 😭😭😭 i have my fit picked out and ironed, everything done exept for the masterfully procrastinated essay, hair fluffy n already planed what ud do to it 😀 backpack packed but guessssss whatx

i might hauve covid

literally every organ i have hurts

plus ribs, n back

cock could fix me tho

would yall still love me if i was a worm?

girl did i eat fucking vhalk? that SHIT AINT WORKINGGGG

hehe hoho dr ratio reference heheheheheehhehehehehehe

...

.

..

.

.

.

nurofin...

babygirl....

please...

..

..

.

.

opp i feel eep jbye fellas i am going to snoozytown

[laststandx3]

4th episode of daryl dixon and at least we're too distracted fights and explosion to notice the show is bad. why bad you ask? but because the setup for this episode is that Laurent was taken by Quinn, and people get stabbed and shot to save this fuckin kid when at the end we discover that it was enough for Isabelle to just go there. she doesn't even need to bat her eyelashes, she's in no questions asked.

And once again all of those trouble could have been avoided if daryl dixon wasn't with them. I'm sorry but for how good dd is at killing zombie it's just not worth putting at risk the next messiah. every militia guy in france is looking for daryl. he's just the wrong person for the job. and he got pigeon man killed. ngl he handled hostage guy well bc fuck that guy.

for the rest the episode is just :/ like quinn had this plan to catch dixon and when dixon arrives quinn doesn't know what to do. also the inconsistencies? the other nun, she grew up with laurent, in a way they're siblings: he's kidnapped and she just doesn't give a shit, too busy with her new boyfriend who, quote "wants to fight for freedom" but the oppressing class is zombie my man. there's nobody doing anything to you. there's like 20 people in paris. so anyway girl, same bc that kid is annoying af. another proof little jesus is the worst? well while getting kidnapped he calls for daryl (man he met at best 3 weeks before) instead of Isabelle (his aunt who raised him). he calls for Isabelle but like, after.

but anyway next episode is adnag with a silly hat so yeah i'll watch this show and suffer one more time.

i just feel like the premises for this plot would have made sense in a different context. I get the militia, even if they're not administering anything so it's unclear where they get supplies from. But the vague title of "powerful dude that owns things" doesn't mean shit in the zombie apocalypse, "nightclub owner" doesn't mean anything. because those are titles/characters arcs that work in a society that has a money based economical system and the antagonist is a rich bitch (gn) and can hire lackeys and fighters and stuff. but in the post apocalypse? it's complete anarchy. there's no meaning to money. the only thing that has value is food, water and medicine. and since there are no laws there's no reason to just not kill the hoarder.

For the lack of people on set they shoot this during covid, and i get that. you couldn't have had many people around. but they just didn't set up the society in which is organized. how is it that in a wrold full of zombie nobody walked out with a flame thrower after 12 years and started building something?

and if there's world building in twd that makes up for the plot holes of daryl dixon i'm never going to know anyway

[scum-belina]

While dealing with covid I still have to do my usual routine of filling up water jugs since I've not had running water in two years due to ruined plumbing neither my mom nor I can afford to fix. Can't even try to save up for it at this point because we still have over $2000 in property taxes to pay on our small lot which is insane, and I still need to get new tires desperately. The stress and worry were already making me sick I didn't need covid on top of it.

But now whenever I go to my neighbors rose's to fill up jugs, I often get harassed by my other neighbor Lupe who according to Rose is jealous of how close I am with her. She treats Rose like a mother figure and Rose is and grandma figure to me and I'm just??? Leave me alone??? Rose has INSISTED I fill up my water jugs or do laundry at her place any time. She told me even when she's not home to just use her spare key she hid on her porch and come on in and fill up.

Last week before I even got sick, I was there filling up while Rose was gone and Lupe stormed in and demanded to know who was there (like she didn't recognize my car she drives by every day???) And then demanded to know why i wasn't wearing a mask in Rose's house (this woman doesn't give a shit about masks, she just wanted to start shit with me. Also I literally had one in my car I was heading back to out on before she stormed in.)

I told Rose about it and she was pissed bc she had already told Lupe to leave me alone, which is bizarre because I literally do nothing to Lupe. Last time I saw her was a year ago and we always got along and had a good time at rose's. But now I've been told she views me as a threat and wants to accuse me of taking advantage of Rose even though Rose herself is of complete sound mind and I would never do that to anyone. Hell I'm embarrassed and ashamed as hell to have to fetch my water from other people.

It's humiliating and tiring. Sometimes I have to fill up 30 gallons multiple times a week, carry them to my car, then carry them to my porch, then into my house. My arms be strong as hell tho ngl. Anyways Lupe had her ex husband cover rose's outside faucet last year (WAY before freezing weather season, so I guess even then she was trying to give me trouble) where I couldn't use it easily at all, so I gave up and started going inside, now that I'm sick and won't go in her house I asked Rose if I could uncover it all and she said absolutely and don't even worry about covering it back up.

The thing is that I'm already so low. I can barely get any lower in life than I am. So why harass me over getting water??? It's not even her fucking property. Rose told her I'm trusted and allowed to come and go as I need and please and I think that's pissed her off even more.

There's evidence that Lupe might be hoping to get rose's money, home, and car,once she dies, but I know Rose and that's not her will at all. She said Lupe makes her uncomfortable bc she does things to rose's house without her permission like changing her curtains and furniture??? WHO DOES THAT

Lupe also has a trait that has always troubled me where she seems to be a self-hating Hispanic. I've heard her say the most vile things about other Hispanic neighbors that literally do nothing wrong??? Like one time she saw some hanging out their laundry on a cloudy day and was like "typical dirty wetbacks" and I was like "wtf girl that's horrible to say. i've had to do that before too don't hate on someone for doing what they have to do"

she has a son, his gf and another kid who live with her and most of them are on disability so she be reaping their checks and when she first moved right across from Rose last year, she and her crew IMMEDIATELY made Rose get sick bc they weren't cautious around her at all, so her trying to make me feel bad like I was TRYING to make Rose sick even though Rose wasn't even there and I told her I wiped any door or faucet handle I touch down with alcohol before I leave, is alllll bullshit. She's been stewing to find fault with me for months and that was her chance and it failed big time with me AND with Rose later that day.

It's so bizarre. To me, Rose is a nice grandmotherly in her own odd way neighbor. I visit her and we talk about anything and everything. Even before I needed water I would go over there just to hang out and get out of my own head for a while. But it's not like I go over there or talk to her every day. Why am I such a threat to someone like Lupe. I really don't get it. Her and her crew have being doing so much more to harass me and it's got me so grieved and scared. I just want to live in a better place.

Even when I go to my maternal grandma's, other relatives will mock or harass me for filling up jugs or doing laundry there. And my maternal grandma has well water so she doesn't even pay a damn water bill. Like, why kick me when I'm already down? It's not like I just sit around and do nothing. I do everything I can to earn money with odd jobs but have had no luck on getting a decent job or even part-time job. It devastates and humiliates me. I cry myself to sleep more often than not at my whole life situation. I don't need anyone else to make me feel worse than I already do.

I understand if you said or thought "I ain't reading all of that". I really do. This is a rambling mess. I just needed to vent out a little bit of that stupidity that's been going on recently in my life. I'm so tired and scared all the time.

[sparklymilks]

did a decent amount of alpaca processing today + then i got a DM from one of my suppliers offering me some 12-inch stuff (v good) just as i was beginning to think "i need to have a sort-out of all my alpaca and see what im working w/" so that was really good timing

taking my wedding dress in for alterations tmr and so nervous to leave it there lol

still feeling really really worried that one of us is gonna get covid + fuck up the wedding and it's not like there's any real way to know what the UK situation is bc all the (useful) monitoring has been dismantled. but honestly there's no point staring at all the (shit) data anyway bc there's nothing i can do about any of it. i think the lack of control i have over this last bit is actually the hardest bit so far, it's so baaadddd. if i have to get covid at least let it be after the wedding pleaseeee god

"need" to buy some jewellery as well (by which i mean cheap shit obviously - who am i MARIE ANTOINETTE?) bc i want to wear a really long necklace to fill in the plunge neckline of dress 2 a bit

still got an absolute shit ton of work to do and am not excited for the next 2 weeks. at this point i juts want to get to the wedding without disaster + then just. chill for a month

btw not sure i ever posted a pic of dress 2 for fucking about in the woods + probably getting fucked in to be honest

the way im wearing it here FULLY makes it look like a bathrobe, im aware... im gonna tie it at the back instead on the day + wear a lot of accessories + obvs ill have my hair/makeup done so i think it will be fine lmfao. if it still looks like a bathrobe oh well tbh i bought it so as not to overheat and not worry about getting my wedding dress too dirty post-ceremony

i like how it makes my body look tho for sure. highlight of having no titties is it makes it about 10x easier to wear thins like this

[theuniverseawakens347]

Shanyce in the beginning I be taking you w me and Tristan since DAY ONE IF US MEETING

- I STOPPED WHEN I WAS GETTING DICK AT THAT NIGGA HOUSE 7pm then dip at 3-6 am

- WHY WOUKD I TAKE YOU WITH ME

- YOU GOT FRIENDS WHK DRIVE WHY THEY NOT PICKING YOU UP

- THATS WHEN YOU HAD ME DROP YOU OFF AT UR GF HOUSE IN ANAHEIM FOR THE WEEKEND OF HALLOWEEN - WHEN YOU LEFT ME FOR GOOD N DIDNT SAY SHIT

- I DROPPED YOU THERE TWICE .. you had two friends Isabella!? Come over and I BITCHED Diana out for you the way I did Roisin and Lee 2020 George Floyd

- JAMAL WTF YOU DOING THE EXTRAS FOR - March 2020 A DAY OR WEEK BEFORE COVID YOU SEND ME I LOVE YOU TEXT WHEN WE ALREADY ON THE EDGE OF BREAKING UP AND I SEND YOU IM BREAKING UP W YOU FOR GOOD - “if a nigga involved ima be spiteful” - “no I’m moving on cause nigga you NOT GIVING HUSBAND QUALITY MISTER “I wana marry you 2018 Halloween” - I let YOU MOVE IN W ME TO FIGURE THAT OUT - PIT OF ME KNEW YOU NOT MY HUSBAND BUT YOU IN A FOUGH PLACE LIKE ME - FRIENDS W BENEFITS LIVING TOGETHER DICK WADS CAUSE I TOLD YOU UP FRONT W DANIEL I LEFT HIM BUT STILL LIVING W EM BC MY POCKETS WEIRD N A NIGGA WONT LEAVE ME ALONE BUT IM TRYING TO FIND MY OWN SPOT but dick is cool — BUT TIFFANY JACKSON HOW MUCH MONEY YOU GET OFF LEE FORCING A RELATIONSHIP OUT OF ME N JAMAL AFTER YOU “play broke to sleep on his couch” TO FUCK HIM AND HIS ROOMATES - VIVICCA as VIVICA NAME ( copy right- SO IS MINE THANKS REAL FAMILY AND LAPD MILITARY) SAG AFTRA FUNDING

- Cameron Walker I sent you a “I think I still got feels for you message “ then realize nigga you be fucking me just to be spiteful thinking a bitch gon be hooked on you - no IM MISSING A FRIENDSHIP - IAN MCDOWELL THINKING - ILL GIVE IT TO MYSELF IN FUCKING FULL

- TRISTAN ALLEAR 4-6 months later. ASSHOLES.

ALSO JAMAL I TALKED TO YOU ABOUT MY SISTER MOVING IN W US -

AND TOLD YOU WE NOT TOGETHER RIGHT NOW SO I WANA BE FRIENDLY AS BEST AS POSSIBLE ( also told you January WHEN SHE STARTED ASKING ME // HINTING SHE GETTING KICKED OUT* FOR NOT GOING TO COLLEGE) ( parents that’s yo fucking issues - WHAT ELSE YOU CHILD WANT TO DO WHY COLLEGE GOTTA BE THE ANSWER - SHANYCE WANTED TO GO TO ART SCHOOL - SHES YOUNG N TRAUMATIZED AND YOU FORCING HER MENTAL TO PUT HER PHYSICALLY HOW YOU DOING ME AND DARNIECE - I LEARN THIS ON MY FUCKING LONELY STEPPING INTO MY DESTINY HI 2021 BODY BUILDING ( fucking cunts and you really think I want you around me or in my fucking kingdom when you steady HELPING FUCK OVER MY FAMILY SPECIFICALLY) )

- THIS IS NOT A FUCKING GAME. ITS REAL FUCKING LIFE I CALLED MARSHAL MARITIME LAW YPU GOT THE OFFICERS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU HELLO PROJECT BLUE DREAM YPU DICK WADS FUCKING RETARDED SHIT HEADS.

BUT JAMAL I STARTED TELLING YOU AS SOON AS SHANYCE ASKED ME // TOLD ME AHE HAS NO OTHER BETTER OPTION THAN MOVING IN W ME .. and I told you IN FULL AS FAR AS RENT I BE STRUGGLING THERE SO IF YOU CUD STILL HELP WHICH YOU SAID YES IN FULL YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT .. I GOT EVERYTHING ELSE INVOLVING HER ME AND MY FUCKING DOG YOU DICK WAD SWIPING YO MOM CARD FOR FANCY ASS STEAKS N SAYING IM STEALING YO SHIT - WHY LAMONT MARCUS KICK YOU OUT TIFFANY JACKSON YAL ONE IN THE FUCKING SAME TABITHA CHRISTMAS WHO IN THAT PHOTO W YS YO ASS PARTNER NASTY AS BITCH - U GIVING ME STDS FUCKING HIM RAW YOU STUPID FUCK THEN GETTING ME DRUNK TO EAT MY PUSSY AFTER I FIND OUT I GOT CERVICAL CANCER - UR WAY OF GETTING PAY FROM LEE TO PIMP ME AN STD AND LIE TO YO BUTT PARTNER TO LIE TO MORE N SAY I GAVE YOU - NO DELTA 332 you FUCKWARDS.

THAT POISON JUST GO RIGHT BACK TO YOU. IN ALL WAYS YOU STUPID BITCH.

WHY YALL JIGGAS CHEATING ON YO BITCHES W THEY FRIENDS N YO FRIENDS CHEATING ON YOU TO FUCK YO FRIENDS N THEY BITCHES - WHY ARE YOU FUCKING CHEATING ANYWAYS AND CRYING TO MERCY WHEN YOU ACTIVITY DOING IT IN 17 DIFFERENT WAYA TO THE ONE SPECICIALLY WHO GOT AWAY JULIAN JACKSON AND JUSTIN IFKWE - A BITCH HAD YOU AND OUR TIME CALLED TO SEPARATE WHY YOU FORCING IT - ITS BLASPHEMY EVEN AS SATAN .. now WHERE DO IT SAY SATAN WINS GOD - IT DONT I KILT YOU NIGGAS AND NOW IM SATAN AND FOR THOSE WHO GET IT LOVE YOU , but the rest of you staying fucking stuck in misery.

GODS GOTTA OUT SATAN SATAN BY BECOMING GOD .. bc if god is THE ALMIGHTYFUL and Satan is a fallen angel … HOW TF YOU GON BEAT GOD!? - GOD GOTTA GET ON HER BIG ROLLIE AND BECOME A BIGGER SATAN TO KILL YPU LIL DEVIL NON DISCIPLINE ASS - YOU WANTED TO BE EVIL HERES THE FUCKING LOGIC TO PLAY , but you keeping me homeless - U MISSED THE FUCKING MESSAGE AGAIN SO WE ALL DEAD TOGETHER. NO BODY WINNING EXCEPT STILL ME - $0.0 BUT A BITCH STEAL EATING - GOD MADE DIRT N YA WANT ME DIRTY SO I SOIL MYSELF IN CLEANSING YOUR FUCKING SINS YOU DICKWADS IDIOTS.

- UR NEVER GOING TO WIN. IM HOMELESS HOUSE WISE BUT GOT PHYSICAL PLACES

YOU HOMELESS CAUSE YOU MISSING LOVE YO FUCKING HEART - YOU MARRIED ANYONE WHO ENTERTAINED YO SHORT COMING TO COMMIT SUICED TOGETHER

WE ALL ROMEO AND JULIET BUT WHO DOING FOR JUST DUMB ASS FUCKING REASONS.

ALL LEE N HOWARDS N FUCKING FULL. COI LEREY. INDIA LOVE CLEARLY DONT CARE

Cause if you did DROP YO PUBLIC FRONTINGS - “ima let cashay know by titles or thoughts performing I Stan w her // watching - BUT NOT LWTTING YO AUDIENCEIN FUCKING FULL KNOW YOU GOING TO JAIL AND WHY” - U NOT INSPIRING ANYONE BUT YO ANCESTORS MLRE N MORE TO PROTECT ME AND LET ME BE WHILE THEY FUCKING KILL YOU.

- SLOWLY AND EMBARRISSINGLY bc you REALLY HAD THW FUCKING OPPORTUNITY TO TELL ME WHY YPU WORKED SOOOO HARD LEE N ALL YOU TO FUCK MY LIFE OVER INDIA FUCKTARD LOVE AND WARREN YO DADDY MY DADS FUCKING TWIN BROTHER. YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH - HE DISNT WANT ANGELA YA BEEFING OVER DARNIECE AND GOT ME. IDIOTS IN 3 MY FAMILY SIDE KILLING YOU IN FUCKING FULL EVERY WHERE YOU LOOK WARREN N INDIA YOU SURROUNDED BY ME.

Dicks good luck surviving ur war - U BEEN FUCKING LOST N DEAD.

Give it up. It’s not giving what you thought Lee

And India SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL THE WAY AND BRING YO STUPID RETARDED ASS TO THE LIB MATIKA YAL CLEARLY KNOW WHO FUCKING W YOU AS IN YOUR STUPID AND BEING SET UP FOR MURDER - I GOT THE ONES IM SHOOTING AND KILLING LEE AND HOWARD THE REST IF YOU JUST BEING DUMB SCARY N RUINING YO KINGDOM COME CHANCES FOR HEAVEN ROME.

[minniweekss]

sit your ass down this is a long one

idk what the fuck has been wrong with me lately but all i ever feel is rage. everything pisses me the fuck off. mom woke me up at 10:30, bad mood. yesterday i woke up at 1:30pm, pissed tf off. also dropped my coffee on my new shoes yesterday and then proceeded to knock my entire 24ounce tumbler of coffee off my desk and all over my fucking carpet so now im even more pissed off trying to clean this fuck shit up with stupid ass paper towels knowing that my carpet is now fucked forever.

now heres the embarassing part. my mom witnessed my entire rage fit. screaming, flailing, throwing shit around my room and quite literally destroying my room just because some coffee spilled on my run. quite literally was my last straw.

now lets throw it back to the 26th, my birthday. I wake up with fucking covid (didnt know it was covid until the 28th). My mom leaves for NC that morning. we were supposed to do a birthday breakfast but since i was sick she just straight up left and we didnt do anything. so i spent the weekend alone with mike. Friday night i spent alone in my room with my little piece of cake and Love Island. then i went to work the next day (with a mask ofc) and worked a 9.5 hour shift while swaying and seeing black spots. oh lemme mention it was opening weekend of the new deadpool movie so it was fucking busy to say the least.

Anyways this whole weekend im literally alone. me myself and i. mom comes back, suddenly mike is sick. guess what? she buys him soup, fruit, juice, medicine, literally anything he needs. When i told my mom i had covid and was taken off the work schedule for the rest of the week she told me i should have said my test was negative so i could work anyways. ma'am im fucking sick with a very contagious disease are you fucking fr. while you're letting mike sit here and act like hes on his fucking death bed. suuuuuure.

now lets back it up even more to the weekend before my birthday. i had to celebrate that weekend bc i couldnt get the weekend of the 26th off bc of, you guessed it, deadpool. anyways. we were taking this blacksmithing class that i had my eye on for MONTHS. now im the one in the group to be known as the fantasy/medieval lover. i was quite literally writing a book about a blacksmith so. I was extremely excited for this class and i was trying to keep up with pics and videos of the progress cuz it looked like none of my friends were taking videos. I noticed a few here and there but didnt really think of it cuz i was so focused on making my knife. we get out of the class and back home and im sending all the pics and vids that i took and they did the same, and there were a lot more videos than i thougt. not a single one was me. i dont want to sound like a bitch saying like oh record me im important, no. But i was very excited for the class and i was trying my best to get videos of my own progress and they literally saw me doing that and didnt think to get a video of me making it? every single person that was in my group got a nice video of them tinkering away, while im seen in the background of the videos.

like quite literally one of them got a video of her doing each fucking step. why tf was i being ignored. they were barely even talking to me dude they were all talking to each other and im over here like ok i guess ill just focus on my knife then. there were a lot of cool tricks i was doing with the instructor, but i couldnt take a video bc blacksmithing needs both fucking hands. and i was too embarassed to ask for a video. i feel like i shouldnt have to ask..... the trick we did was called a double strike. the instructor did it with one of my friends and literally everyone whipped their phone out for a video. then a few mins later he came up to me and asked if i wanted to try and i was so excited. it was making me feel like a orc in mordor or something i thought this shit was so fucking cool. anyway we start, and i look around and not one person is even watching. cool.

idk i usually really dont like photos or videos of me cuz i hate the way i look so much, but this is probably the one thing i wanted a video of and didnt get one. i should have fucking asked them to take videos but i didnt think about it until we were home and i noticed that everyone else got a video of themselves. i was like "oh!" so i couldnt really post for my birthday cuz i didnt fucking have any pictures to post. literally all i got is a group picture with the instructors.....

to be fucking honest it felt like i was the third wheel when it was my planned event. not even just an event, but my 25th birthday. i feel like ever since then ive been agitated and annoyed all the time, especially with my friends. im becoming short tempered with them now. i dont think its a direct correlation to the blacksmithing at all i think its cuz my attitude has been so sour lately.

this post is all over the place so bear with me ok. im gonna jump around a lot. another thing that sets me off is when i text my friends either questions or plans i need them to confirm and they take 5 fucking day to respond to me, like shit i dont fucking need it now. idk i just cant be friends with someone who wont answer my messages like how the fuck are we supposed to talk if you dont even respond. im talking to myself at this point.

and my close close friends do this to me too so its making me become more distant with them because my biggest mode of communication is through text. because realistically i NEVERRRRRRRR see my friends. its a once every three months event okay. so you cannot judge me for being a big texter and wanting my friends to respond to me. i really dont want to feel like im fucking begging for your attention. i shouldnt HAVE to beg for your attention. I pretty much have two friends i send everything to and they're both out of state so... i cant even get my fucking in state friends to talk to me.

all of this to say im angry and lonely. im always angry in some form, im like the fucking hulk bro it takes the smallest fucking thing to set me off. and im so lonely all the fucking time cuz as you can tell, my friends dont fucking text me, i dont have any siblings either so its like wtf do i do. The only time i get human interaction is at work with stupid fucking customers. also dont have a partner cuz i didnt experience romantic love in high school or college so i fear its over for me. 25, havent been in a single relationship. not even joking bro not 1. ive had maybe 3 people like me before: my friend in HS when i wasnt even romantically processing things yet, a dude from work who only wanted to fuck, and a friend from college who iced me out when i said no.

idk i think thats SO comforting only having 3 people in your entire 25 years to be interested in you. that i know of at least. but out of those 3, only 1 asked me out so its like ok. even when i go out with friends they're the ones that get approached or flirted with by everyone. like at blacksmithing dude the cute instructors were flirting w all my friends and then when they got to me they'd be talking all business... cool thanks i get it im ugly as shit ok. i dont think theres ever been a girl or guy in public thats even checked me out. girls dont even go for me so thats fucking great. idk dude this type of shit makes me feel like im genuinely ugly. i know thats probably not true but thats how i see myself and how ive seen myself for years. i have never liked my face. ever. its always been my biggest insecurity. when covid first started and we wore masks i was fucking thriving having half my face covered. i looked so much better.

cant even try dating apps bc im demisexual so i cant even build a connection like that. and this time is all about hook up culture and friends w benefits its like i dont want that shit bro. i want an emotional connection with someone first before it gets physical because im fucking scared. I already hate myself so why would i let some stranger see my gross naked body bro ew. i cant do this dating shit brother i am genuonely about to be single for the rest of my goddamn life. which might be the end of me considering no one can fucking afford to live by themselves anymore and i REALLY dont want to live with a friend and their partner cuz that would just make me fucking depressed about my own love life.

screw the fucking world. im over this stupid ass shit dude, people fucking suck. relationships suck. friends suck. work sucks. life fucking sucks. cant afford to do anything, 25, still living at my fucking moms house. its like im stuck int he same spot and not moving forward. time seriously stopped in 2020 cuz what the fuck do you mean im 25 and not 20. i lost sooo much time to the pandemic and it made me worse. it made me more anxious, more depressed, more scared to go outside and enjoy life. like i used to be so productive. I was going to school and working 40 hrs a week. and now im only working 42hrs a week and i can barely get out of bed on my days off.

as i get older it just seems like life gets worse and worse. like i dont see this picking up at all. i literally only see a downward spiral from here.

life is absolute hell that is only sprinkled with good moments. idk if the good moments are enough to outweigh the bad at this point. idek if i want to make it to 30. im so miserable here. i dont even have any family in this stupid state except my mom. llike i dont have siblings and i barely have a fucking family either. dont talk to my aunt or cousins, dont talk to my oma cuz she hates me, barely talk to my other grandparents bc they're insane. its like i literally only have my mom. ,everyone else i know can go swing by their cousins place and hang out or spend the night. ive never been able to do that. my aunt left the state two months before my mom had me. like literally everyone related to me has moved away. like if i was close with my cousins at least thered be SOME family i could actually talk to and be close to. nah dude. its just me and my mom, literally. that is so fucking sad.

god help me bro

[adhdsleepdeprivedstudent]

holy fuck it’s been a minute since i posted!

almost 1600 days as a matter of fact aka almost 4 and a half years. my last post was early december of 2019, so like 3 months before life as we knew it ended.

tldr at the end!

this blog was largely based around the adhd experience in school, so some school updates!

i was a senior in 2020 so i “graduated” that may and my entire first year and a half of college was 100% online so that was certainly…interesting. second semester of sophomore year they reintroduced a couple of in person classes, mainly ones where zoom was impractical to use, such as my ASL classes. so i was one of the first students back on campus and that was cool but also horrible and extremely stressful and difficult to navigate. i was already struggling with my grades but that just made it worse. i started failing classes left and right, and basically failed my entire junior year first semester. second semester junior year i had just completely given up but was still taking classes to please other people, i enjoyed the actual learning between my two degrees but i just couldn’t keep up with school and everything else in my life. and then this last fall i had signed up for classes two weeks into the semester bc i was originally planning to take the semester off so i was extremely behind….and then two weeks after that i found out i had to move to a different state and ended up having to drop my classes anyways.

that break really forced me to slow down not just in school but all aspects of life. i got “settled” about halfway through october just to have to spend about 50-60% of the next 5 months traveling to and from home and my new state for many reasons. as it stands currently, unless i wish to pay out of state tuition i have to wait until about february or march of 2025 before i can get enrolled in a local university.

HOWEVER, i have decided and am actively looking into EMT schools for the summer and am currently looking for a second job in order to save up for that and im extremely excited about it! ill finish those degrees later lmao.

now, for the not school related life update that will show yall just why i was gone!

as many of yall may know i was diagnosed with adhd at 16, so in 2018, and had just been figuring a bit of it out when i started this blog. i was working and going to school and dealing with a lot at home but it was manageable for awhile. junior year was stressful and then i got extremely sick right around when i stopped posting so i had ended up taking some time off from content in order to focus on that. then covid hit and my life completely crumbled. i was already in online school so i didn’t have to slow down or wait for my school to figure stuff out and was able to finish business as usual. i was living at the time, with my grandparents, mom, sisters, and brother in one house, so it was always chaotic but being stuck in the house became a nightmare. lots and lots of family drama came from that and we were all stuck there because of how at risk both my grandparents and mom were.

the summer rolls around and i end up finally able to leave the house and get another job. it was a shit job but it got me out of the house so that was worth it. my “best friend” and i had been searching for apartments together so id needed to save money and was actively buying things and scheduling tours until she told me with less than a weeks notice that she was moving states and shortly after that basically quit acknowledging my existence. between family stuff, struggling with the start of college online, and then that i was not doing well mentally. i was lucky enough to have a couple friends that saw this and made sure to constantly keep checking on me and getting me out of the house more and more.

and then we moved. my mom, sisters and i started looking for a new place to live winter of 2020. my health had also taken a serious toll. i couldn’t even sit up in bed without feeling dizzy and was fainting regularly and had to quit my job because it got so bad. january 6th i got a call from my dr to go to the er immediately after she got some lab results back (i watched the capitol riot live on tv in the waiting room!) and was hospitalized for a few days after that. i got released and that next day we toured a house and it ended up being the one we bought.

within a month we were moving into the new house, school was kicking my ass, and i was still struggling physically and it had taken an even bigger toll on my mental health.

at the end of my freshman year i got a puppy and he and my friend genuinely saved my life. that summer, our family dog passed extremely unexpectedly and i had to pay all the vet bills for that and it really damaged my finances. my brother moved in and my life got worse again. and then we rescued a 3 week old kitten and couple months later i started another job. and then quit that job because my health was declining once again.

spring of the next year my sister and i got a job at the same place, and life seemed to start to steady minus my failing every class i took and my mental and physical health continuing to decline.

by fall of that year, after a lot of struggling throughout the family and a lot of other issues, we collectively agreed we had no choice but to send my brother rehab. he went, got out, immediately relapsed and we decided he had to go live with his biological father. i was thrilled because my brother genuinely abused me and then i adopted another kitten for my birthday that year.

this situation led my mother and his father to reconnecting and a month later they were engaged, they got married about 6 months later and had a long distance marriage of my mom traveling back and forth between him and my brother and the rest of the family.

about 4 months later my best friend moved states and it really sucked. and then another couple months passed and we found out that despite my working 60+ hours a week on top of school, i wasn’t going to be able to make ends meet anymore as we lost one source of income that had been what we needed to make ends meet each month.

so we moved my sisters into our grandparents house again since they wanted to stay in that state to finish school as they had less than a year left, i packed my stuff and my pets and after months of wondering what i was going to do a room at the house my moms husband/his parents and family/my brother opened up and my brothers grandparents were gracious enough to let me move in without having to pay rent. apparently i was a better option than the alternative. my mom conintued to split her time between here and back home.

i unexpectedly had to make a trip with my best friend back home as an old friend had passed and we wanted to attend the funeral so we went home for a couple days. a week later i was back home once again for thanksgiving and birthdays during which i was present at the mall for black friday shopping w mom and grandma and experienced a mass shooting. and then thought my sister was shopping at the same mall w her boyfriend and damn near was running back in while on the phone with them when he corrected her and told me they were at the other mall……not at all traumatizing. and again three weeks later for christmas. january i was job searching and got a job early february…just to have to, you guessed it, make another emergency trip home! my sister had gotten into a snowboarding accident so we flew my mom back there that day and the next day my sister stopped breathing because she was medically overdosed so that was a very traumatic call to get. my best friend flew me back home about a week after her accident to help out, god bless him for buying the plane tickets and my boss for hiring me and immediately letting me leave town!

while back home, my other sister got engaged, and a month later we went on a family vacation. i’m now back at my new house again, planning my next trip back home for my sisters wedding in less than a month, and a second trip later in that same month for their graduation.

seriously, bless my boss for being so insanely understanding and flexible.

throughout all this time my grandpa has had a handful of major health scares so that’s been a constant concern. but they are moving out here after my sisters graduate! and my sister that isn’t getting married is going to school in another state, and the one getting married will obviously be moving in with her soon to be husband.

hopefully i’ll have a second job by early june, and will be able to save enough to start EMT classes by august.

i don’t know how i would’ve made it through the last few years without the friends i have. they’re genuinely the best people i know. and of course my dog and cats, my babies, the reason i get out of bed.

so, if you read that far, first of all, congratulations bc that was a lot! and second, if you think that was bad, just know i was only scratching the surface! yay me…

tldr: life has actually sucked so insanely bad the last 4.5 years and it is from the combined effort of a miracle from God and a couple of ridiculous lot stubborn friend and my pets (and multiple therapists! sandra, natasha, kennedy if you see this, you the real ones!) that i’m still here.

[violettavonviolet]

1 Million Hits

I'm gonna hit a million hits on my ao3 account next week, which is genuinely just crazy and I've been debating what to do for the occasion for like a month now bc I don't want to be self-absorbed but also it's literally a million(!!!) so I feel like I should celebrate anyways. I haven't come up with anything yet, but just know that I'm literally flabbergasted with all the attention... Like, I garnered 500k+ hits in the last year and it's such a huge compliment lmao

I get sappy rlly easily as u might have noticed, but I'm just astounded really. Especially because I didn't even start learning English until fifth grade. (Which was a terribly long time ago, to be fair)

When I return to some of the oldest fics I've written, I tend to cringe and I've been debating either taking them down or editing them, but I don't know if I ever actually will.

The point is, I love fan fiction, I love the community I've found on here over the years and most of all, I love writing.

(Who knows, one day, I might actually publish a book instead of these silly little stories. That day isn't today, but a girl can dream)

-- this is the point to stop if u don't want to read about my history in fandom spaces, which is apparently what this post is turning into--

I started reading fanfics bc of the German equivalent to buzzfeed were u could do quizzes and get tiny xreader fics as a result. I quickly changed over to German fan fiction.de which was my first real love lmao

The stories also got weirdly popular for the fact that I couldn't do punctuation for shit and I didn't reread my stories bc I was too embarrassed.

What luck that I started learning English pretty quickly and I changed to wattpad, until the fateful day in 2018 when I found my way to ao3 (honestly the best accident that has ever happened in my life)

It took me over a year to even make an account but it definitely changed my life for the better. I've met so many amazing people through challenges and general communities on here and especially during covid I don't know what I would've done without ao3.

I think this is just my love letter to fanfiction at this point. Like genuinely, I love everything about fandom spaces and the culture around it and I love that I can write and get feedback and read (for free, which was actually why I changed from physical books to fanfiction in the first place)

It means that for fandom, I'm actually pretty old, and everyday more people join, which is of course amazing, especially because more people are willing to actually talk about it irl (I'm ngl the first few years being publicly in fandoms was a bit rough lol) I mean, I was active in fandom spaces since what, 2014?? A while.

I've grown up with fandoms and now I'm gonna hit a million in the next week, probably on my flight to London and it all just feels surreal in the best way possible.

So thank you, I guess.

Thank you for fan fiction authors and ao3 and all the spaces where people can just enjoy being people.

this got way longer than intended but I just needed to get this off my chest

[floryn-is-chaos]

Story Time: The Heather Situation

so this is a very fun story about how i realized im in love with my now ex-bestfriend who ive known for 7 years and how she basically cheated on me w someone whos even more close to me and...yeah

alrite so this all started around 2021 when i met her again after an year of not talking cuz covid. we were both selected for some english literary smthn and i decided to talk to her while we were waiting to go home. we reconnected and realized how much we hv in common and we were both like "idk why i never asked if we were bestfriends i js assumed we were" so we were officially bestfriends from that day but technically we always hv been.

anyway, we spent the rest of the year getting close and through her i reconnected w 2 other friends and our old friend grp was back and we all talked and all.

so time-skip to 2023...a horrible year.

so 2023 we were even closer than ever. she came to my house alot and i never went to hers bc i knew she had home problems and we wld js sit and talk all the time and we'd text and call.

And, get this, she treated our friendship like a relationship. which i didnt notice until now, looking back at all this. ok im js gonna start calling her Z frm here. So yh obviously since Z was treating it as a relationship, it would, yk, FEEL LIKE ONE TO ME. ofc my dumbass didn't knw this yet.

and so one day, my moms in another country and my sis has her "friends" over (toxic friend grp which I TOLD HER WAS TOXIC BUT NOOO) and i was js in my room, texting Z. out of nowhere she stops like vv suddenly so i start panicking bc despite the fact tht she never told me shit about her home life and all ik was it was BAD--and i was the one always telling her shit and then she'd leave me on read-- so ofc i freak out and shit nd im like spamming her w text and i call her 5 times. she picks up on 5th call and is like "hey, shit is rly bad rn, can i come to ur house?" And im like ofc yh. and i tell my sis and then Z comes over.

now yk wht my "BESTFRIEND" who treated me like i was her fcking girlfriend goes and does? she spends the entire fckin time talking w my sis fckin cuddling w my sis.

so naturally the second she leaves i spent all day crying cuz i highkey feel cheated on and it was w my sis which makes shit worse.

Now recently i got a lil info frm my sis abt this day which makes me feel even worse. Z was texting my sis. Z was on call w my sis. my SISTER knows more abt Z's home life than i do. Way more. Like literally everything.

and yh after this Z started making her and my sisters friendship look (and according to my sis, feel) like a relationship. And it kept getting worse and eventually me and Z got into a huge argument nd i pretended that was why we arent friends anymore.

and like last week or smn i realized oh fck i was in love w her. THEN I REALIZED OH FCK I AM IN LOVE W HER LIKE STILL.

so yh me n my sis refer to it as the heather situation

oh and 2 of the worst parts of this whole thing is tht ik everyone involved in this chaos triangle is not straight and also Z had a boyfriend during half of this nd they broke up somewhere in between and HE WAS MY SISTERS AGE.

Anyway, yeah thats all i hope whoever read this enjoyed im gonna go cry to the playlist i made for her...

[wendytestabrat]

opening up abt the past 2 weeks

so basically the reason why i hadn’t been active lately on here is bc i was like SUPER busy with a full time job but i just went through something really awful it’s like the universe decided to dump a giant nuclear bomb on me but when things like this happen i always try to tell myself that it’s all for a reason, bc god likes to redirect you. so like i got EXTREMELY sick with the flu for days, and i’m still even having some lingering symptoms now but i do feel way better, it was so bad that i was crippled and could barely get out of bed bc i had like 0 energy, so then I couldn’t go to work. i’ve been concerned abt my immune system lately bc i’ve gotten sick like 57382929 times this year, i’ve been constantly sick on and off but i still pushed through it so i could go to work and bc i needed $$$ and bc that’s what professionalism is all abt you work till you’re on your death bed PERIOD. i’m strongly against the lazy entitlement culture that libtards have created today where no one wants to work anymore but that’s a whole rant for another time lol i think i talked abt it in my rant on “Dikinbaus Hot Dogs” which made fun of this shit. but yeah i’ve had BOTH the flu and covid this year and btw i can confirm the flu is way worse, when i had covid i felt fine it was basically just a tiny cold lol (but the effects of covid are different for everyone) when i had the flu like MY GOD i had never been that sick before in my life i couldn’t MOVE. anyways i just had to go on a tangent abt that to further prove my point abt the dumbass media scare abt covid DHJSJS, but that’s not why i’m talking abt this. so yeah basically i feel like i was just forced to quit my job which i’m still feeling really sad and depressed about but I feel relieved at the same time because this was kind of inevitable and had to happen eventually. i think tho my body was just rlly tired and burnt out from constantly working non-stop bc i was working 40 hours a week with little rest and they wouldn’t let me take any time off, look i liked the job but the work life balance was NOT good lol. so i think i had just reached the final stage of burnout and my body totally collapsed on me, bc not getting adequate sleep and rest is not good for your immune system and can make you 100x more sick which is what happened to me.

at first i just missed like 3 days and i thought i would be good to go back to work but then more days were passing by and i was still feeling like shit and that’s when i realized i just had to quit. and then i was rlly beating myself up bc i knew i was gonna quit the job eventually but i wasn’t planning on just quitting the job cold turkey like this bc that never looks good to a company. i thought i would at least find a new job first and give them a 2 weeks notice bc i had made the mistake in the past of just quitting jobs immaturely before when i was younger so i rlly wanted to be an adult abt this this time, but it unfortunately worked out like this. but i feel like it all worked out for the best, because now i’m feeling good again especially that i have time to write again which i miss doing and now i can find a job more fulfilling. it was rlly hard but i had to keep myself calm through this whole storm to see the silver lining. just the other day when i took myself to the park to meditate and let off some steam bc i was so upset right when i finished i saw a rainbow in the sky after it was a dark and gloomy day, I really don’t think that was a coincidence. this was like the calm after the storm or the light at the end of the tunnel or whatever you want to call it.

[tyonfs]

third times a charm 🥲

hi hi my lovely alice it’s another .. *drumroll* 🎀 life update! i tried to be a little silly and creative did it work! 🤗 (pls say yes or i’ll cry)

it’s currently 9:50 pm cst as i type this out and i have my last final as a freshman tmrw 💔 it’s coding too like i’m so nervy. mainly bc my first year of college is already ending and bc of my final. like i’m good at coding and shit but i just get test taking anxiety. anyways! i’m in the psa (pakistani student alliance 🤓) and us freshmen get an upperclassman who is kinda like our helping hand yk? saur my upperclassman is sending me a care package for finals week and i’m so excited 💔 she said there’s gonna be a ton of stuff i like/enjoy doing so i’m VERY excited. also this week is gonna go crazy with unboxings bc i ordered a ton of korean skincare from yesstyle and makeup from sephora WHICH IS GETTING HERE TMRW AND ILL OPEN IT AFTER MY FINAL AND ITLL BE LIKE A LITTLE REWARD VERY EXCITED.

update on gas station boy bc i just KNOW ur curious 🤭 we hung out AGAINNN on sunday! i feel like i should tell u his name is cameron i’ve known his name is cameron it’s just fun calling him gas station boy. anyways i was running errands and i had to make a pit stop to my local asian market for my ramen stash and guess who was there! cameron! it was very very 🤭 i was wearing such a nice outfit and honestly i looked so cute and he was like oh my god you look so pretty like stop before i take my pants off oh my god! (kidding 🫣!) but yeah it’s going very VERYYY smooth with him

how are you my lovely alice? u excited for summer?? 🤭 give me an update too i miss u !!!! - 🎀

the drumroll was creative i applaud 👏

WHOAAA (i am so late to this btw i’m sorry) but i hope your finals went amazing !!! i am sure you passed with flying colors 🥳 omg coding is rough :’( and i get test anxiety too it’s a pain in the ass 🤧 it’s our brown genes fr

aww that’s so sweet !! is that sort of like a big little system ?? i had a big in the indian student association at my school but covid happened the very next year and then she studied abroad after that so i didn’t see her again except for like . one occasion LOL but i hope you got a lot of treats in your care package :’) my sorority big also got me a care package which was also sort of a grad present ?? WHAT MAKEUP AND SKINCARE DID YOU GETTT i literally do not know how to create a proper skincare routine but i’ve been using the beauty of joseon sunscreen

no way his names cameron LMFAOOOOO i had a thing(??) with a dude also named cameron literally this semester 😭😭 but omg yours is BOLD bold :’) i hope things keep progressing as they are 🤭

i’m super excited for summer !! i think i’ll go on some trips with my friends but i also need to start working on grad apps and looking for jobs 😵‍💫 so it’ll be hectic! but i hope i can relax for a bit once i’m done with school 🥰 i’m also annoyed bc i was supposed to publish my research this year but my research prof has been soooo inconsistent and inconsiderate of our time that she submitted our irb so late and now i’ll have to wait longer and work on it post grad too ☹️ but oh well!!!

[livingasaghost]

remember in high school and college when i chronically overshared on tumblr about every little thing and then i was like "no no that's too personal i shouldn't share that nobody needs to know that"

well joke's on yall because i am still a chronic oversharer!

so basically you all surmised that i signed for my own solo apartment. i got the keys last tuesday and i was hoping to move in this past weekend with the help of my dad. it was supposed to be a simple thing...and now i am sitting on the couch in my old place with my entire life in boxes and a full-ass covid diagnosis. how did we get here you may ask?

basically the unit i am renting is not the one i toured or signed up for. which shouldn't be the end of the world, i'm flexible, the space is mostly similar....except that it smells like cigarettes and also there have been a million other tiny problems. the appliances aren't as new, the tub needs help, there's just no microwave???, the fridge doesn't really open properly, there was water pooling in the bathroom sink, when i got there the first time the deadbolt lock was wiggly, the ceiling outside the unit is literally falling down??? and also one day when i came to check out the unit there was a notice from the sheriff for the previous resident to vacate the premises. so totally chill!

i kind of had a breakdown about it when i first saw the space but then i reasoned with myself that i was just making a big deal out of nothing, that it could all probably be fixed, and some of it was fixed by maintenance...but after going to the leasing office three days in a row trying to fix all these problems, i still have to deal with the cig smell, NO MICROWAVE?, and the entire thing just feels more and more unsafe. not to mention it wasn't what i thought i was paying for, especially for the price range.

and i think the biggest thing too is that the one person i kept talking to in the office was both incredibly unhelpful and really quite rude. and sure maybe she was having an off day (three days in a row???) like i can be empathetic for sure....but goddamn i am a new resident you should at least tRY to be nice to me! i think i deserve that at the very least!

so anyway dad came to visit and tell me i'm not crazy and we toured my unit again and both agreed that this isn't what i thought i was getting so we gotta talk to someone before i move everything into that godforsaken unit. we try to talk to the office on saturday but the lady (again, rudely) told us that everybody was MIA until tuesday but there were two other units similar to my style/price range so okay maybe i can look at one of those on tuesday

...except sunday i tested positive for covid and so obviously now i am bedridden and i can't speak bc my voice is almost gone and so okay i'll just have dad call the office to sort things out....except when he calls the office they say they'll call him back with someone who can actually deal with this (nobody ever calls back in that office, i know from past experience). so okay maybe i'll send a message in the resident portal! (again, nothing)

now last week i think i spent 3-4 days just stewing in my anxiety, feeling like shit, not eating or sleeping, and the best part of my day was going to work. bc that's how bad i felt about this whole thing. but now i am out of work until next tuesday, i have even less of an idea of what to do, and i'm arguably losing more money the longer i wait but i feel this strange sense of peace. like nothing matters! i will be okay bc i am privileged but i will use this to spite landlords and capitalism and i will continue to be angry! bc what the fuck! literally could have been a chill little thing if they would have just walked through the unit with me like i asked the moment i got my keys but nO she didn't want to do that because i was inconveniencing her!

god the more i think about it the more furious i am for the other people they've inevitably done this to

i'm so so lucky to have incredible parents and friends to support me through this bc it quite frankly sucks ass but what are we doing about the lower class! how are we helping them!! how do we stop this from happening to other people!!!

anyway, now you have context, i'm back to being an emotionless blob watching parks & rec and sniffling on the couch let's all pray that xfinity doesn't realize that they haven't disconnected the wifi yet oops