#and i thought it was just bc i puked
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sooooo we think we might have covid
#does it make u puke?#bc i puked the other night#my throat has been rly painful since#and i thought it was just bc i puked#but its getting worse rather than better#SIGH#ugh plus my eyes have been having random bouts of being rly painful and watery#ive been putting so many eye drops in them to try stop them feeling so weird but it hasnt helped#my boyf is showing more typical covid symptoms like high temp and coughing#im just having whatever random shit my body can come up with i guess
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mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.
#it was so good tho#like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked#the fight scenes🤌#the environments/settings🤌#all of the fuckin machinery🤌#the acting🤌#the everything🤌#yum#also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy..#i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it#sorta vent->#but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part#because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝#just tee bee ehch#and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit#so i just went to sleep#and i was busy today#yesterday*#and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit#idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is#i felt a bit better yesterday though#and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea#hopefully that helps soonish idk#i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here#also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged#so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there#why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg#anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow#idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea#talkin shit
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the POINT of Harold and the Purple Crayon and whole ALLURE of it is the dream-like quality of a young boy making things with his crayon and the little adventures he goes on. It's timeless and sparks the imagination.
Giving the crayon to a grown man in what is undeniably a modern setting takes away all of the charm
#personal#i fuckin hate it when this happens#bc tbh#i have NOT thought about harold in years#not really#but that's what these remakes do#make me think about something that hasn't been on my mind#and just puke on it#like hey IIIIII wasn't doing anything with it#but that doesn't mean i want you to mess it up
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oh my god i forgord that people genuinely ship pucci with dio sons especially donatello. what the fuck like they do that for real not just jokes…………. what would they even talk about i genuinely cannot imagine an interaction between them that isnt pucci just being annoying and condescending and donatello going KYS old bitch🖕
#its not like…. problematique i guess but i just cannot visualize it. like i think at best like#donatello briefly thinks that puccis kind of hot when hes waking up in the hospital under painkillers and then pucci opens his mouth even#for a second and its Over. needless to say also that donatello is so nothing to pucci i think hed be actually offended id someone thought#that they had a thing. like hed puke in his mouth a bit maybe#i mean i think all of this out^ and try to understand the appeal (cant) but realistically people are just mashing them together bc#of combination yaoi addiction and wanting to see priest pussy. :/#pucci posting#jojo
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well. today was harrowing.
#a short timeline (cw for emetephobia)#woke up. went to cvs to get my new meds. took said new meds.#went to work. ate breakfast although I was already feeling a little nauseous#just thought I was hungry bc I didn’t eat enough last night#nope. was counting copepods. realized I was gonna puke.#puked in the public restrooms of the biology building.#gross.#felt better. worked some more. ate a small lunch bc I was still a lil nauseous.#got dizzy. thought ‘damnit here we go again’#did not puke. instead: felt dizzy and faint.#this is familiar to me. i have passed out before.#I get to the ground with my water bottle in hand. knees to chest. deep breaths.#this is lasting a lot longer than it usually does.#coworker realizes I’m pale as hell sweating on the floor#other coworker has more first aid training. sits by my side and helps me out of my flannel bc I am Sweating Profusely.#vision finally starts to clear.#now I am in terrible stomach pain.#double over and try not to cry.#once i can stand again: coworker helps me to bathroom.#in there for A While.#I lived bitch.#still shaky. coworker drives me home.#Bathroom.#I am NOT taking those meds again tomorrow.#this has been: sef’s fucking medical history post or whatever#Jesus.
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#god. the thing abt traditional media is that u end up with so much stuff#like i have 90 billion papers to throw out. so many drawings over the past 4 years#they gotta go. im not taking them with me. ill keep only the ones that spark joy haha#ill probably dump all the old clay dolls i made like i think when i 1st got here#back when i actually did things lol. maybe ill keep my tenz0 mask bc its cool haha#im gonna b sore from all the scrubbing i did today and theres only more scrubbing tomorrow 😭#this is basically my moveout deepclean but i still have a month to b here. theyre just inspecting Tuesday#bleh. i wanna draw 😫#also... fingers crossed. knock on wood. but i have verbal confirmation on an apartment. hopefully ill b able to sign this week 🤞🤞🤞#that would be so fucking amazing. the lady texted me this morning and for a sec i thought i might puke lol#unrelated#also i opened one of those dentist bags that i had for some reason and found it full of all thr hair i cut off in January#why did i put it in there???? y not just throw it away????
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i'm sick of feeling nauseous in the morniiiiiiings
#it's been every day this week#thought it was from lack of sleep and it still could be but it wasn't any better when i got extra sleep#woke up this morning swallowing mucus tho so. maybe its all bc of allergies.#too much pollen leaving my nose dripping down my throat all night#idk!#just want it to stop#sick of spending so much time puking or nearly puking
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Zilla is the Flotsam and Jetsam to Velvette's Ursula lol.
Lmaooo kind of? In a song where they manipulate an innocent person she would be for sure
#ask#hazbin hotel#velvette#oc#ive been thinking of their dynamic lately actually but i'll hide my ramblings here in the tags for the poor souls that don't care at all#so the funny thing about them is that they dont need each other at all#they have their own thing in different rings and theyre fine with it#but they do have a blast when they hang out#which is kinda torturous for them specifically bc theyre so self centered and controlling and selfish#that admitting that they JUST LIKE someone with no ulterior reason is humiliating#and any excuse they can make to see each other is flimsy at best#like 'hey help me get more souls and you can throw darts at them later' they can do that on their own. they dont need the other to do that#i imagine they try not to bring up it to preserve their own egos#in a more playful moment zilla would be like oohh you like meee and velvette would deny deny deny#in a more serious moment they both have rock hard evidence that the other likes her too and they both know it#if one ego goes down the other does too#this would be like...the first stages of liking each other i think#and when they get together theyd be like 'ok i have soft mushy feelings for this one person but that aside#im still the greatest overlord/murderous mastermind whatever'#until theyre defeated by the good guys i guess#what can i say i think evil friends to lovers to losers is hilarious#soooorry if you read this long ass thing#im hyperfixated and i have so many zillete thought and so much zilla lore in my pocket#i needed to puke a little bit out
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woke up early and took a bath, got my nails done and took a walk around the lake soaking in the sun but i still feel horrible 😔
#i'm just so tired of everything at the moment#i'm questioning my whole life and existence again... why can't i just be happy for once?#i have to work 44 hours next week the mere thought of that makes me want to puke#the sun is finally out again after so many gloomy days the weather is lovely but i can't even enjoy it bc my mind keeps going to dark places#i wish i could just focus on the positive things but i always think of the things i lack#sometimes i'm so overwhelmed with these negative thoughts#i just yelled at my dad on the phone over nothing really i'm such an ungrateful bitch sometimes tbh#things aren't even that bad rn but my mind keeps focusing on the negative things & it makes me feel so depressed & hopeless#☁️
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anyone else ever have that thing where you'd actively downplay unhealthy attitudes to casual friends/acquaintances bc you dont wanna be too "heavy" with people you arent very close with but then it backfires bc those people think you genuinely dont take any of it seriously and distance themselves from you because they think youre a mess with no self awareness?
#was reading one of those 'dont make light about having only gotten 2 hours of sleep' posts#and it reminded me of this#in freshman year there was a couple instances where i got too drunk and puked but downplayed it with the ppl i was hanging out with#bc we werent really friends so i didnt wanna be like 'hey fellow 18 yr olds so theres this genuine problem that im very affected by'#but then they just reported me to the the head of the dorm bc they thought i didnt care and didnt take it seriously#and the whole thing was super humiliating#anyway yeah#sometimes when ppl u dont know well act like they dont care about something#it's just bc they dont feel comfortable with u to be honest about their concerns over like#drinking too much or insomnia or poor eating habits and stufd#i dont think the post i saw was wrong or anything. like there are people who are proud of that stuff and it's a good mindset to get rid of#but it just reminded me that things arent always as they appear#edit: not that people who *dont* have the self awareness deserve to be shunned either. i also have been in that camp and thats very painful#(or people who do but dont care. or care but dont want to fix it)#and not fair and i think the whole way people look at all of this stuff needs to shift. but idk im just rambling about this one thing
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remembering the time i tried to write a short story set in a conversion therapy camp so i was doing a lot of research and reading shit written by "doctors" doing conversion therapy and read shit like "oh gayness always has a psychological root. many gay people were assaulted as children and that's why theyre gay now :)" and ever since then I have this intrusive thought that's like oh :) the reason im gay and trans is bc my first abuser was a girl that made me pretend to be a boy when she hurt me :) it all makes sense now :) and i have to kill myself
#csa tw#cocsa tw#txt#like i know logically that isnt true#and ive never felt guilty for being gay or wanted not to be gay#so this thought just comes out of nowhere every so often and makes me want to puke#bc i dont want such a wonderful part of me to have been bc of her :/
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I try not to whine about having a garlic intolerance too much bc it's like. Girl people are literally dying but AUGH I HATE HAVING A GARLIC INTOLERANCE
I keep accidentally eating it and because it's in fucking EVERYTHING and it can ruin like the next 10 hours of my life. And I miss pizza 🥺 and I feel like a stupid asshole whenever I bring it up bc it's not like I'm deathly allergic to it so maybe everyone thinks I'm just desperate for attention
#also im like shy. like idk how to be like 'listen it's not like lactose intolerance there's no marathon shitting involved. tbqh i would#almost prefer that bc what DOES happen is debilitating stomach cramps that spontaneously resolve independently of anything i do'#it's soooo annoying#when i was still figuring out what was wrong with me i ate like triple garlic breadsticks and woke up in the middle of the night in a panic#in like. 10/10 pain. like so much pain that i started getting lightheaded. i ended up in the bathroom bc i thought i had food poisoning and#was eventually gonna need to puke. and ended up lying on the floor with my legs on the edge of the bathtub bc i was losing consciousness#just from sitting upright#and idk how to communicate that without also convincing everyone in the immediate vicinity that im desperate for attention
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finally had time to watch the new csm episode. what the fuck
#the puke scene#wtfffff#jsjsbsshhdbsdbej#the site i watched it on blurred it but like goddamn#this isnt even abt anything im just talking rn#somehow both not as bad as i thought it would be but also somehow worse?#also so morbidly funny to me that himeno doesn’t want him to drink bc he’s 16 but is like totally dtf like girl choose one you pedro#*pedo#fucking autocorrect
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#finally got to the jin and yin episode#and like. idk how big the mei and mk ship is but it should probably be one of the lowest ranked ones#like i get that theyre the mcs but like. considering man was Literally trying not to puke when he thought she was confessing#like that doesnt give that much#like its cute! it just. isnt realistic in story#like its clear how they think of each other and how its strictly platonic#like. even wukong and macaque makes more sense (despite how it kind of makes me uncomfortable#since they are technically related in the source material)#(idk about azure lion but if there Is anything there its like. one sided on his part)#(and his teacher swk sees as a father in jttw (theres a play on words on how the word teacher is like father and he says it))#(and the azure lion bit i dont think hes related to him at all in jttw)#after watching the other movie red son might be added but for her#i mean it could be foreshadowing for if rhey get together#but since the sjow focuses on platonic/family relations i dont think it would fit that well#(it may just be me but. tang/pigsy and pif/dbk makes most to focus on. for obvious reasons)#also id rather them have a platonic trio#bc while rs isnt actually the same age#they all act the same#(and they might technically be the same mentally? if demons age the way i think they do he probably around their age)
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regarding, cannibalism: have you ever read tender is the flesh?
very very very interesting piece of cannibalistic literature
yes, actually! i read tender is the flesh almost exactly one year ago, so it's not exactly fresh in my brain, but from what i remember i...was not crazy about it lol.
maybe i had just seen too many people raving about how groundbreaking it was before i read it and i went in with somewhat unrealistic expectations, but i think a lot of the social commentary fell a little flat for me. like, i think the concept was interesting, and i definitely think the book brings up a lot of interesting points to think + talk about, but i almost felt like it was biting off more than it could chew (ha ha). like, from what i remember, there were a lot of really interesting issues brought up throughout relating to sexism, classism, etc, that would be touched on without actually delving deeper. i think i went into it expecting like a really poignant and incisive social commentary that was gonna challenge me to think really deeply, and instead it sort of felt like an overview of a broad swathe of blatant social issues taken and put into this setting where the dial is just turned up, if that makes sense? sort of reminiscent of naomi alderman's the power, which i remember people raving about as really deep and feminist back when it was having its moment, but essentially the book is just taking misogyny and inverting it and going "imagine if that happened! isn't misogyny bad?" like, i sort of felt like tender is the flesh was just taking a lot of social issues and going "imagine if this was worse!"
idk, maybe i'm not giving it enough credit and maybe i'd feel differently if i re-read it. like i said, i didn't think it was bad, i was probably just mostly disappointed bc i'd seen it hyped up so much before i read it, which isn't the book's fault.
one thing i will say is that i really, really liked the ending and honeslty that sort of like...brought the book back for me lol. like i was sort of rolling my eyes by the end going "why are so many people acting like this is so groundbreaking? is part of it just the shock value of the graphic gore?", but then i got to the end and i felt like i'd been sucker-punched and i was like oh. ok....yeah. definitely some stuff to think about here. so!
those are my thoughts on tender is the flesh for u
#personally i wouldn't recommend the book tbh#unless u just like...really want to read about cannibalism#which. y'know. valid enough i suppose#i am a person who sometimes reads disturbing shit just bc i want to see if i can stomach it#and this book was definitely hard to stomach#but i just didn't really feel like i was getting all the thought-provoking social commentary that i saw other people saying they were#doesn't mean it's a bad book just means it wasn't for me personally!#and again it's been a year so who knows#maybe i'd feel differently if i reread it but also#idk if i wanna put myself through reading it again lol#definitely makes the list of like. top 10 disturbing books that have made me feel sick while reading. so there's that!#i had a little bit of a cannibalism kick this time last year and read like a handful of cannibal books that made me want to puke <3
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I truly don’t understand how people are just…normal about driving. Like. You are in control of a metal death machine, responsible for its movement as if it is an extension of yourself, but you just have to like know how far out from your own body it extends. You’re going 60 mph along with everyone else, they can’t be trusted to be any good at what they’re doing so you have to monitor and be aware of their movements. You’re having to pay attention to 360 degrees around you at all times via multiple mirrors while navigating other drivers, pedestrians, fucking BIKES, the road, know where you’re going and how to get there and turn at the right time and change lanes all while following a complex set of rules and not killing anyone or dying. Just…excuse me? You all just…do this? Every day ??? I feel like you’re all lying to me honestly. Like cool invention you got there but what the FUCK
#I know it’s my adhd and anxiety talking#but also like IS IT?#bc this concept seems INSANE to me#I really do want/need to learn how to drive#even in an American city that by comparison to the others is public transpo friendly#my freedom is still severely limited#I can’t do a full grocery shopping trip by myself#have to carefully plan every commute and give myself lots of extra time in case something goes wrong#etc#so im often still dependent on others for rides#but the alternative fills me with such dread#I wish we all still just rode horses#the thought of learning that skill fills me with glee!#rather than utter fucking dread#it also doesn’t help that I’ve gotten motion sickness my whole life#once you hit a certain number of puke incidents in a car#you tend to not associate it as a positive experience lol#cars#driving#anxiety#adhd#transportation
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