#and i think im still meticulous but also just a lot more calm about it

[skitskatdacat63]

Hey I finished this one! Wow! :D

[vllergy]

emerges from the ether for 5 seconds before vanishing again--i don't post here often i go through phases, the moon has phases i have phases whatever but i've been playing a lot of b@lders g@ate and while i don't think i'll ever feel comfortable writing canon character content (maybe h@lsin??? g@le??? who knows) this one NPC interaction had me by the throat. feat: tw: canon courtesan/sex worker NPC, kink!reader, second person narration since the game is like that, hunky sneezy drow man, honestly a lot of build up for little payoff im sorry idk what happened. i also don't know the word count im useless (dialog is in-game dialogue up until the lil time skip to his room, then it's all me baybbyeee)

The drow is one of the most handsome you’ve ever seen. Not that you expected him to be ugly, of course. The fabled drow twins of Sharress’ Caress are known far and wide for their talents as well as their beauty. Its just, seeing them in person is quite different from sustaining on mere rumor alone. Sorn Orlith, as he introduces himself, is rather muscular for a drow. He stands nearly a good head taller than you with a broad, brazenly defined chest. His outfit is nothing more than a metal cage topped over his heavy shoulders and flared out down his sternum like witch’s fingers, pointing towards an abdomen taut with muscle.

His long skirt rides around his hips but you can still see the shadow of indents against bluish-gray skin there, as if they are inviting you to take a closer look. They likely are. Nothing about his appearance is not meticulously crafted to draw you in. From the slight sheen on his lips that are plush and naturally the color of ripe blueberries, to the way his wintry hair is falls effortlessly back from his face in perfect waves. He is a vision, and yet his eyes are not cold and imperious like you might expect. They’re warm. Inviting. Somehow kind, despite what kind of debauchery goes on in a place like this. 

You ask him how he ended up here in the first place. Apparently, the Underdark isn’t kind to male courtesans. Also, he was bored.

“The entirety of drow culture is obsessed with bondage beyond reason. While such activities have their charms, I yearned to reach greater depths.” He gives a dazzling smile. “And there is no society on this planet more laterally, imaginatively and confusingly depraved as that of Baldur’s Gate. Although of late, I do feel I’ve seen everything. Perhaps you’ll show me something new?”

Your throat goes dry. 

“I’m…glad you’re happy here,” you manage out. 

Sorn laughs, but not unkindly “I’d have to restrain myself far more than any play-bindings do if I worked in another field. This is a place where I can be myself boundlessly.” 

His arms widen, emphasizing the violet taut flesh of muscle in his shoulders and biceps. You do your best not to stare.

“There are so many who come to me speaking of a fixation that no one else has ever been able to share with them…” he leans close, “And never will again. 

He smells of bergamot and brandy. It’s intoxicating. “A once in a lifetime moment of passion. Every day. What could be better? Don’t you want to try it?”

You do. And he can tell. His grin widens, almost wolfish. 

“Trust me, you don’t want to miss my signature Menzoberranzan Love Trick.”

—

With the door to Sorn’s private room shut, you feel a sense of calm overwhelm you. The room is beautiful—long enough to be someone’s home, crystals and plants glowing in every corner, a bed surrounded by flowers, shadows in all the right places. It looks like it was plucked free from the most beautiful parts of the Underdark and brought here to Wyrms Crossing. It feels comforting. Safe. 

“Now, are you going to tell me about this little secret of yours? Or would you prefer to keep me in the dark?”

Sorn’s voice startles you and he slips a hand around your waist, nosing at your neck as he comes from behind you. He releases you at the reaction, but doesn’t make a show of it. He’s masterful at what he does. Reading his partner, gauging their comfort level, adjusting and maneuvering as necessary. Your blushing cheeks must give you away because he gives you an encouraging smile instead and reaches for your wrists.

“Come, let us sit first. I find it’s easier to talk like that.”

He leads you to the foot of the bed. The sheets are luxurious, obsidian satin, and the mattress sinks with your weight. He sits close, angling his body towards you, but not so close as to crowd you. Your knees touch. You can see his breath flexing the hardened muscles of his torso and chest as he lingers there, expectant but not impatient. His hands cover yours in your own lap.

“It’s perfectly all right to be nervous,” Sorn continues, “But I assure you, your secret is safe with me. And not only that, it is *treasured*. I meant what I said earlier. There is very little that surprises me these days. Should you present me with something unexpected, I will be noting more than delighted.” 

You avoid his eyes, despite how gentle they are. You’ve never said this in front of anyone. But he’s right. Odds are, there are multiple someones in Baldurs Gate who have stranger interests than you. Sorn has likely indulged them all and without complaint. As he said downstairs, he rather enjoys this aspect of his work. Still, your tongue is in knots as you work up the nerve to say it. Your eyes travel up from his chin to his perfectly shaped mouth, the cupids bow of his lips and then finally the long, aquiline shape of his nose. It’s a fine nose. Prominent on his face and somehow as elegant as the rest of him, it captivates your attention for a moment. 

When you realize you’ve been staring for a moment too long, the confession rushes out of you in a breath, “Sneezing.”

Your face feels like it might explode from the heat. Sorn blinks. You expect him to laugh, or tell you to leave the room, or some other horrible outcome but instead he merely tilts his head. His hands give yours an assuring squeeze.

“And what about it do you like, my love?”

You lean over with a groan. You truly cannot believe you’re having this conversation—but his warm chuckle sends something fluttering in your chest and you gather the courage to straighten back up again and look him in the eye.

“I’m…not quite sure, I just know I enjoy it,” you say carefully, “And when my partners do it.”

“Mmm,” he says, contemplating, “So you’d like it if I sneezed for you then?”

Your lips purse, holding the answer hostage in your throat. You nod helplessly instead. He laughs again and releases one of his hands to brush a knuckle along your cheek.

“Look how red you are, it’s positively darling. Was that all, little bird? That was what you were so afraid to tell me?”

You nod again, nearly in tears. It’s off your chest now and it feels incredible, but it’s also freeing in a way that makes you feel raw and exposed. He’s being so kind about it that you’re not quite sure how to react. Emotions clash together, warring for dominance inside the confines of your skull. 

Sorn seems to understand immediately. His hand skirts below your jaw and tips your chin up as he leans forward and captures your lips with his own. It’s a simple, nearly chaste kiss. So featherlight and innocent that it feels like the sun peeking through the clouds. “Shh, shhh,” he soothes as he pulls away, “I think it’s wonderful. I will say it’s the first time I’ve encountered it, but I think it’s quite endearing.” He pulls away a little further, leaving you breathless. His white smile gleams. “And what an exciting challenge besides!” 

He releases you fully and stands from the bed, his hands on his hips. He looks about the room, brow furrowed in concentration. You’re still a little dazed from the kiss, wondering how he manages to taste like brandy and sweetwine and smell as good as he does while also trying to get your brain to stop swimming. You blink a few times to get your bearings as Sorn stalks to one of his shelves.

“Now, the only trouble is—“ he starts as he rifles through a few things, “There isn’t much that makes me sneeze, I’m afraid.”

Your stomach wilts a bit. Perhaps it was too much to hope that this strapping drow would have a terrible allergy to lavender. Though, to be fair, he hardly looks like the type to be beset by anything so pedestrian. Sorn is so maddeningly put together. From his perfect hair, meticulous ensemble and finely crafted expressions, he is clearly a man that keeps up appearances. Decorum is important to him. Should he ever be laid low by an allergy, you imagine he would fight it with the all the dignity and stoicism he so proudly displayed. 

Still—you didn’t work up all this nerve just to get here and *not* have anticipated something like this happening. Shyly, you let your fingers linger over the vial in your pocket. 

“I…may have something that will help,” you say.

Sorn turns from the shelf with what looks like a raven feather in his hand, his eyes bright. He looks positively delighted at the news.

“Oh I love when my clients come prepared,” he says, “You are a dream.”

“We could try that first, though,” you say, gesturing to the feather. There’s definitely something to that idea and it’s already stirring a feeling in your belly that has you shifting on the bed and your heart rising. There’s no possible way Sorn can know this, but somehow you sense he does, because his eyes sharpen their focus on you and his grin goes syrupy. 

“Lovely,” he comments and returns to your side. As he sinks back into the mattress, he gestures a hand. “Is here all right? Or would you like to do it somewhere else?”

“Here is fine,” you choke out. The idea that this is happening, really happening, is making your brain turn to lightning. You can hardly wait. 

He holds out the feather to you, “I assume you’d like to do the honors?”

You nod. The feather has little weight to it, and it’s gorgeous up close. The black shimmers with hues of purples and blues in the low light, glimmering in the reflection of your eyes. You run your eyes along the length of it and then find yourself starting at Sorn again, heart in  your throat.

“Is it… all right if I touch you?” you ask. You lean forward, hand with the feather outstretched, but think you may need to position yourself a little closer and brace yourself on his shoulder to get a good angle.

“Darling,” he laughs. He suddenly seizes your wrist and brings you closer, lowering his voice near your ear. “You can do whatever you want to me.”

You gulp as he slides back, demure and innocent as if he hadn’t just made goosebumps appear along your arms and thighs with his words alone. A nervous smile paints your lips and you do finally take his shoulder in your hand. You’re kneeling almost into his lap at this point and to support you, he draws an arm around your back. It’s so intimate you’re almost dizzy with the closeness alone, and you haven’t even gotten to—

The feather brushes at the corner of his mouth and his mouth twitches in a smile. Even just that response alone makes your heart race. From there, you slowly move it up to the indent above his mouth, and then his septum. He wrinkles his nose, skin avoiding the stimulation on instinct before he wrests his control back. He smiles but says nothing, allowing you to continue. 

You draw the tip of the feather around one nostril. It quivers in response, but otherwise, Sorn’s eyes remained focused on you. You test a bit farther, drawing slow, soft circles. There isn’t anything for a few seconds, and then he starts to blink, irritated tears prickling in his eyes. He sniffs a few times and then has to cough, politely turning his head away on instinct as he does so. “Apologies,” he says and then grins, “What a strange sensation.”

“Are you all right?” you ask. 

“Very much so,” he nods, “Please, continue.”

You do, but to mixed results. You’re certainly irritating his nasal passages, but sadly not enough to make him sneeze. After a few minutes of attempting, all you’ve really done is making him cough and cry irritated tears. Disappointed, you’re about to give up when he takes your wrist again, holding the feather inside his nose.

“W-wait,” he says, “I had it for but a moment.”

Your heart stutters. Carefully, you twist the feather as you had been a moment earlier. His eyelashes, pale as new fallen snow, sweep his cheeks and a breath catches on the roof of his mouth. The hand that was around your wrist falls slack, fingers drifting down towards your elbow.

“Yes, I feel it,” he whispers. 

His grip around your back tightens and he draws in another breath. His eyebrows crumple and hoist upwards and his nose practically twitches. 

“Hh—hiiyh—“ 

As his expression snaps, you pull the feather away just in time. His head wrenches away as the sneeze whisks through him. 

“Hi-ISSHh!” 

It’s a spartan, nearly soft sound. Wet, given the amount of torture his nose has been put through for the last few unproductive minutes, but otherwise without frills or embellishments. It’s a very honest sneeze you think, but perhaps one he was not entirely prepared for. By his clenched teeth you think he might have held back at the last moment out of some sense of propriety. The way he lightly touches the backs of his knuckles to the underside of his nose in the aftermath and gives a delicate sniff further enforces your theory. 

Still, it was a sight. 

“Blessings,” you say, enraptured. 

Sorn recovers quickly and smiles at you. 

“Did you—snf—enjoy that? I am sorry it took so long.”

Your red cheeks are enough of a glowing recommendation, but you nod anyway. Feeling a little braver, and a little desperate for him now that you’ve seen him lose control the once, your hand slips down against his abdomen. The warm skin there flexes against your palm as he breathes in. He hums a soft noise of approval and clasps his hand over yours before leaning in to kiss you. There’s just the briefest moisture in the kiss, only you would ever notice it, and it sets your brain on fire. 

“Perhaps we should try your method instead,” he suggests when he pulls away for a breath, kissing a line across your jaw and to your throat next, “It might be more…productive.” 

You feel dizzy. His hand skirts along your thigh and meets the joint of your hip, squeezing with enough pressure to make you moan. 

“If you’re sure,” you say, “It can be…strong.” It’s only fair to warn him, after all. Everyone reacts differently, but you’ve never not seen it work on someone.

“All the better,” he hums against the hollow of your throat, nipping softly at the skin, “I simply won’t have you leaving here disappointed.”

You shift upwards to get access to your pocket. Sorn discards the sodden feather and watches with curious, eager eyes. When you reveal the tiny glass vial, he smirks. 

“I see,” is all he says before nodding his head toward the collection of pillows at the head of the bed, “Let’s get more comfortable first, shall we?”

Moments later, you’re lying side by side, both propped up by pillows and surrounded by the soft glowing plants and crystals that make a canopy of the bed. Sorn holds himself up on an elbow and examines the vial that looks comically small in his much larger fingers. You lay your cheek against one of the pillows and stare up at him, still feeling your heartbeat pound in your ears. You’d thought this would have gotten easier after seeing it happen once, but the idea of seeing it happen again is almost worst. Now that you know the sound, know how his lip curls a little, how his eyes flutter—all you want to do is see it more, see him unravel.

“So, just a pinch of this?” Sorn asks. He seems more curious than anything. Like he doesn’t quite totally believe that whatever is in there is actually going to be able to make him sneeze.

“Mhmhm,” you say. 

He grins and sets to work. A hefty pinch between his thumb and forefinger is gathered and then quickly—and in a rather sophisticated manner—snorted up one nostril. It doesn’t seem to cause him any harm like you worried it might, and he merely clears his throat once it’s over and brushes his hands off. 

“Oh, it’s lovely,” he comments, “Almost medicinal.” 

You can’t answer him because you can’t breathe. You’re waiting for something. Anything. A flicker of his expression, a quiver of his nose, something to indicate that the powder is set to work. But nothing happens. Sorn merely looks back at you questioningly. 

“When does it start to take effect?” he asks.

“Usually right away.”

He frowns, “Oh. Perhaps I should take more?”

You saw the amount he took. It was already sizable. Any more and you’d be concerned for him. You quickly shake your head, “No, I wouldn’t. Maybe it’s just…slow to start.”

Sorn huffs, his disappointment mirroring your own. He sets the vial aside and turns back to you, pulling you flush against his body. That’s still nice, sneezing or no. Every hard angle of him presses against you and the heat of his skin makes you shudder. He kisses you deeply and you can still smell the slightly earthy scent of the powder on him as you return it. 

“I’m terribly sorry,” he murmurs close to your mouth, “I’ve done nothing but disappoint you tonight.”

You blink up at him, “That’s not true!” 

He sighs and tucks a bit of your hair behind your ear. “It is, but I promise you, I will make it up to you. We still have plenty of time, and there are other things we can do, besides.”

Sorn dips an arm under you and pulls you flat against the bed, hovering over you. He grins down at you and starts to remove your top. 

“Is this alright?” he asks softly.

You nod, nearly choking on your want for him. Everywhere he uncovers bare skin, he lavishes in kisses until you’re bare from the waist up and the two of you are flesh against flesh. His skin sears yours with warmth. He trails fingers down your sternum and then down to your bellybutton, then lower. 

“You are a delightful little thing,” he says. His voice is velvet, and his warm breath paints down your ribs as he follows the path of his hand. 

You feel the gasp as much as you hear it. It’s a sudden, reckless thing—so quick that neither of you are prepared for it. Sorn’s expression flinches for just a moment and he barely has time to turn his head to the side before a sneeze completely overtakes him—misting your side in the process. “hh-EDSHHH’iuh!” 

You’re stunned. Sorn looks like he might be too, if not for the telltale signs of another impending sneeze close behind the first. He shifts and places a hand on your hip as he sits up a little. You watch as his upper lip curls over bright teeth and his nostrils flare once before he wrenches away from you successfully this time. “hhHH’RRSCCH!” This one is stronger than the last, more voice to it. It shakes him and you by extension on the mattress.

“Bless you,” you say, but he shakes his head. His hand squeezes your hip gently as if to say ‘not yet’. “Hih-ih!”

His fist goes to his mouth before you can stop it, and he squelches the last sneeze into submission. His eyes cinch shut and he bends at the waist, shoulders trembling as the colossal sound is contained to nothing more than a whisper. “hHh-nGXST!” 

He opens his eyes, though somewhat warily. As if he’s not sure the tickle is quite gone yet. He gives a cagey sniffle and blots his knuckle under his nostrils, “Goodness.” Then, he turns to you and finds your gaze positively enraptured. He smiles. 

“I suppose it does work ah-after all!” He rubs at the tip of his nose for a moment and then flutters his eyes, “I do hope you’re ready for more because it seh—seems…” 

Your hand goes to his chest. You feel the swell of his breath deepen, the warm feeling of his skin moving under your fingers. Sorn seems to get the idea because his palm reaches up to cover yours. His fingers wrap around your palm as his breath continues to snag. You catch his eyes just for a moment before they slide back. 

“hHH’RRSCh’euh!” He trembles under your touch with the force of it. He lifts his head just barely, eyebrows canted desperately, and then pitches downwards again, spraying your arm with abandon. “hh’AEEShhh’ah!” 

“Such a tickle,” he says breathily as he recovers. He gives a wet sniffle and smiles at you, but it’s hazy, the look in his eyes already distracted by the mounting itch. But he doesn’t seem bothered by it. If anything, he’s enjoying the newness of the sensation. The break from monotony. 

His nostrils flare and he releases his hand to rub his knuckle against his septum once more. 

You feel a little bold for asking, “Are you all right?”

He nods, smiling. He tries to hold your eyes but the tickle steals his concentration once more. 

“Quite!Just—hh…sn’tsCHh’eeze-hhHH! H’RRSHC’hu!” 

You reach your other hand up to stroke through his hair and turn him a little more towards you as he prepares for another. He resists at first out of instinct alone, but adjusts in the moment it takes for the sneeze to have its way with him. As his breath snaps, he ducks his head in the space between you and releases it into your lap. “hh”hRRRASsh’chu!” 

“Bless you,” you say, smoothing back his hair. You crawl into his lap and he welcomes you without hesitation, securing your thighs around his hips even as his head tilts back for two more with barely a breath in between. He ducks them between the two of you but there isn’t much space. His hands clench against your thighs with each outburst. “hh-eHH’SCCHE’uh! h’RRSH’ue!” 

Blearily, he looks up. He’s dazed. Sniffly. His cheeks are indigo and the area around his nostrils is too. You kiss him, because he just looks so stupidly *kissable* and he murmurs a laugh against your mouth. 

“It is quite comforting thatyou find me attractive in such a state,” he sniffs once you pull away. 

“Very attractive,” you remind him.

He smiles, and continues smiling even as his expression flickers again. “Ah, one-hh more perhaps,” he says.  He raises a hand in front of his face and a rather tired sounding sneeze ripples through him. “hH’EDShh!”

“Bless you.”

“I don’t thhhink I’ve ever snhheezed so much in my life-hh!” He leans his forehead onto your shoulder and does away with using his hand to cover, opting to simply hold onto your hips and let the sensation take him. “hh’UEHDSHH’iu!” You stroke his bare back and feel his ribs expand beneath your fingers before tightening twice in quick succession. “hh’NGXT! nG’ssT!” 

He clears his throat after and lifts his head back up, adjusting you on his lap. “Ah, I should have asked, do you prefer if I hold them in or let them out? Often I don’t know which it will be until it happens but… perhaps I could try…try to—”

His eyes roll and he turns his head, giving you a clear view of his twitching profile. “If I could juhhst get through a sehh’ESsch!—sentence!” 

“I don’t mind either way, I just don’t want you to hurt yourself if you hold them in,” you say to try and spare him. 

“Oh, darling, it takes much more than that to hurt me,” he wriggles his nose handsomely and turns back to you with a devilish grin. His eyebrows raise. “And lo! A full sentence! The effects must be wearing off.” He sniffs experimentally and for the first time, his eyes don’t get hazy in the aftermath. 

You feel disappointment sink your heart like a stone. It was bound to wear off eventually. But before you can even lament the course of events, he pats your thigh and shifts you off his lap. 

“Come, where’s the vial?” 

You blink. Surely he doesn’t want to do more of that?

He seems to know exactly what you’re thinking because he taps the bottom of your chin and winks.

“Oh, we’re far from finished, love. Ready for round two?”

[starkiller-009]

Hello!! I love love love your arts. I feel like a lot of them have a sense of 'movement' which contrasts a lot of very polished artworks.

I love works with meticulously planned composition, layers, highlights, etc. I love works with a certain kind of loose yet purposeful application of value and colors. (The Two Cakes thing in the fandom). And I noticed that your arts belong to the latter category which I can rarely find!

If you don't mind me asking, do you have any artists or artworks that you're heavily inspired from? Do you draw on a pen-tablet, IPad, or other media? What application are you using? I feel like three questions are already too much for one ask so you don't need to answer them if you don't want to. I enjoy scrolling through your blog either way!

Hiiiiiiiiii dear anon!!! thank you soo much for sending this message! it made my day 🧡🧡🧡 Loose but thoughtful art is what im striving for so its really make me happy to hear that i have some success in that Answering your question i draw using some cheap old model of genius pen-tablet. Bought it 10 years ago as my first device. Still running. Heard a lot of shitty comments about quality of genius tablets at that time, but even more only about Wacom in recent years i think (fuck them. Wtf with pen's tips that are constanty erasing. For who this product is made for. Ew). as for the apps, i use clip paint studio, for studies - heavypaint (great thing). There are AMAZING artists on tumblr who inspire me heavily with their works. like. i follow ~400 ppl here. because i like to stare at art. so. im gonna talk about my favorites! @crowthis - king. queen. i dont know the pronounces sorry. they draw magnificent things i love their style SO much, its such an inspiration. sometimes i just visit their blog to go through art tag and experience all that beauty. (half of their wrks i have downloaded on my desktop) It's loose, quite 'chaotic', but SO atmospheric. The mood, composition, texture, everything. Themes. I like black and white drawings as much as the ones with colours, it so bright and blatant\bold in a way, but it works perfectly, it gives your the right sense of the work. Even tho usually i prefer more calm colours, it makes me go 'wow!' And their works looks really simple and intuitive but as an artist you know that haha no its fcking hard to do things like that. it takes skill and knowledge. loose work is tricky

@frozensoba - idk how much time i could stare at their recent fish drawings like jesus christ. i wish i could do that. i want to be able to do that. my ass is ready to work every time i see it and drawings like these really inspire me to draw simple things and non-humans bc i feel like you can draw beautifully everything that exists. you just need to know how. Colours, texture, rhytm, lines... everything on its place. I love colours especially. Its very gentle kind of harmony going on there, and the palette is huge, intricate.

@nerdyhideoutphilosopher-2 - going crazy over their works. honesty dont know what to say. go look and see. unique voice Artists id like to mention as well: @dynasoar5 - i mean. just go and look at that. i love how loose and messy kind of rendering is but it looks amazing. and overall. simply amazing drawings fuck yes @jadenvargen - just go and look at his works. i see no point in talking. simply beautiful. looks easy but also hard as fuck. the colours are so bright and rich and very bold but somehow everything is right on its place. it leads you where it should. just wow. the skill i respect @snippit-crickit - once again. beautiful. i really love their studies and how they render things, the colours. @sen-art-acc - LINE WORK. LINE WORK. go check it out. LINE WORK!!!! and i simply like how tidy and clean the drawings look like with colours. i cant do stuff like this. i have zero patience to be this accurate and precise. Also if you love loose artwork i should recommend you those artists for sure @shican, @dude-standin i love as well @wuntrum and @cordspaghetti works a lot. I followed both of them because mcr fanart i guess? tho never was into mcr and stayed for the drawings alone Also, if we're speaking about more "pro" (dont like this term either, forgive me) kind of artists i have some huge inspirations as well (tho my art not in any way reminds of them im afraid lmao. but i hope maybe in ten or ok 30 years or more ill be somewhere). There are a ton of artists i like, but its for another post i guess. To much talk. So here we go Sergio Toppi - he's an amazing at working with lines and composition. I have his comic books on my bookshelf. I open it everytime i want to get energy to draw. You cant look at his drawings and NOT to get inspired. He's incredible. The rhytm, the shapes... damn. i can look at his drawings for hours. And he was the main inspiration to work with lines and composition more, to play with it more. I dont have a lot of line-work on this acc (last quiobi drawing, some year\two-old dghda drawings, eugene one) but i actually exercise it a lot. Lines are extremely powerful tool. And as for composition... The shapes, negative spaces, love it. And he's extremely good at working with colour too.

Francis Vallejo - he's illustrations are so good... he's incredible with composition and rhytm his drawings have. Negative spaces, one again.

Anders Zorn - i adore his black and white graphic drawings. Angles, framing, line work. Spent a lot of time looking at his works. Cant get enough of it. The way he draws people, the plot, themes. What he chooses to portray, the way people look, what they do. There is such a special mood to his drawings, there is something extremely psychological about it, isn't there? he's a master im mesmerized by

Bernie Fuchs - composition, rhytm, once again. I love it when you want to look at something for more then 2 seconds, because the rhytm of the drawings leads you into different places and opens its plot in parts. No matter where you look u'll find something interesting and even though there is lot of going on its still not a mess and looks and feels fucking awesome. And i love his colour palettes too. He's very good at setting the mood (check out his less commercial works)

As for the colour here's a few i love. (Though they're still extremely good with everything else)

Hovsep Pushman - the man is a mystery. His work with colours, light and texture is beyond me. Also it has disco elysium vibe to it. I dream of being capable of something like this when im sixty or so (im not gonna be)

Mead Schaeffer - simple but powerful. Looking at his works like eating a tasty ice cream.

same goes to Dean Cornwell - though its a bit more complex, his composing. You need to pay more attention

I'd like to mention one other artist - Jamie Wyeth. his works are something else entirely, i dream of drawing like this one day. Loosiness, themes, mood. Ill probably cry if i see those ones in real life one day, somehow special to my heart, relates

He has these series - "Seven deadly sins". Ive been in love for some time

As for the inspiration drawings on itself - thinking about it im coming back to dragon age tarot cards. Not all of them, but i still go 'jesus i want to draw like this' at some, through years. This one especially.

Soooo Thats it i guess! I mean. I love to talk and talk about art especially. I probably could write ten more posts like this no problem. I actually heavily into landscape painters since... Well. Nature. Ice, oceans, sky. I sadly havent really tried to get into the genre myself, i do not draw lots of backgrounds as you can see. Should work on this probably, life's short. But im always happy to share my fav artists! So hit me up whenever. dm or send an ask! And a beautiful work for the ending

[tolorelai]

If I lost my memory, what's the first thing you'd tell me about us?

Leo: Débiter? No, I'd rather plug "timeless" volume 100, place a pair of headphones over your mane and wait because I know music will always bring you back to me

Lore: I'll probably read you a bookI would have written about our love and our story just like in the notebook; reading it until memories come back

What part of your life has changed the most since we met?

Leo: So as not to deviate from the obligatory corniness we have going on in this relationship, I'll say that this is the first time my faith in love is genuine; you're what I want, you're the person who fills the void and I now understand others when they say they can't live without their person.

Lore: ive got to be cheesy on this and confess: everything? but mostly, maybe the peacefulness behind the thought that I'll never feel alone (i’ve regained faith in love and true compatibility (destiny??))

What's your favorite weird habit of mine?

Leo: i don't think it's a weird habit but i would say that you are so meticulous that i find the whole process quite adorable. i know you don't do things randomly and it's really endearing to witness.

Lore: oh gosh I have no idea?? Hahahah okay i might get one, but it's not weird just truly cute. It's the way you always«??? » in ANY situations. Like I say something stupid =???. I say something surprising = ???. WHATEVER happens = ???. (and I kind of stole this habit so I love it more)

Why do you think I fell in love with you?

Leo: That's quite a question... Well, I guess it's because I'm the only perfect man alive (or because I was born to be yours); comme on dit: lorie has a great day every day, but leo only has a great day if lorie looks at him

Lore: cause im obviously the best you could get around there and maybe cause we love the same things (partly) and when we don't, we like to share, to listen, to learn, we are suckers for knowledge meant to be also, of course and cause we are a sort of balance? I don't know, it must be cause you felt safe and at your place with me (which is mutual)

What do you get from me that you don't get from others?

Leo: I rest easy knowing that my feminine ideal is my girlfriend; totally dream walking this life with you by my side.

Lore: as simply as it is: something real. I know you love me for who I am, and you're not building an image of me to satisfy fantasies, i know you're fully awards of my bad sides and you love me anyway

NEW SET OF QUESTIONS

What changed in you after we met?

Lore: i don't think I've changed?? Or maybe cause I'm still on the process of not overthinking. Yes that's it actually, you're teaching me how to feel safe and how to accept to be heard, like completely, without any doubts (so leading to calm anxiety, insecurities etc)

Leo: alors the thing that's altered is my self-identity (for sure); I can no longer imagine a world without your touch, and without you I feel lost; in a way, you're my compass

What was the first thing you told your friends about me?

Lore: if I remember correctly, it was « i like him a lot, he is sweet and makes me laugh ». later I was screaming cause of all the things I was feeling for u (brouahah de sentiments I never felt before, I was like « I think he's the one »?!)

Leo: I think I might have mentioned that I thought you were gorgeous and intriguing + I also might have said something about you and I having a lot in common.

If you had to describe me in three words what would they be?

Lore: loyal - the smartest - multitalented (disclaimer: humor comes with intelligence to me)

Leo: refined, delicate, demure but also (mouthwatering, divine, femme exquise, flawless, tender, discreet, charming, sweet)

What's the first thing about us that others probably notice?

Lore: our chemistry

Leo: I like to think that they see how much you and I fit each other like a glove. After all, I'm sure they can tell you make me look even better cause you're my lucky charm

What makes you so sure that you love me?

Lore: I'd rather die than be apart from you another day, i feel myself with you, i can be myself with you, you are so extraordinary, I admire you so much, I always learn something from you, and I've got infinite tenderness for you. + our relationship is a monument to me, i can sabotage myself but I'll never sabotage this again (afterglow gf is over)

Leo: It feels as though I've been waiting for you all this time - as though I'm inebriated, on some type of high, at (seemingly) every interaction I have with you, and I genuinely don't think I've ever felt such pure devotion to anyone - like they'd say "I would do anything for you; you just got to love me"; that's the only thing my heart wants from you (but id still do anything for you even if your love dries out)

When did you first know I loved you?

Lore: i got hint, but more about you demonstrating you cared about me (I've got an example of this I thought truly sweet; it was during a ngl time and you anonymously asked me if I was happy at the time or something like this)

Leo: *totally clueless, misunderstood the question and he thought qu’on lui demandait when did HE know that he fell in love* Alright, I won't deny that it's a difficult question, because i gradually became aware of it. déjà, I was drenched in an immeasurable happiness whenever it came to you and i had no desire for it to stop, the thought of you consumed me. it was always a struggle for me to be in tune with my emotions but over the course of time, as i started talking to you more and more, it felt like hell when you were missing cause you were clearly imprinted on my brain. the more you opened up about yourself, the more i realized that i was starstruck by you. you made me feel at ease with my emotions (très safe space vibes)

What was the first thing you noticed about me?

Lore: but I must confess: i can't lie about it, it was your sense of humor!!!!! I used to picture you as untouchable. im impressed by you since day one

Leo: hantise tu jouais selena gomez... thank god we didn't start talking when you looked like her. but on a more personal note parce que jai que des anecdotes superficielles: i was like - damn shes rly listening to me ramble alors que je fais le clown-très vaillante vibes

What's something we did that you never thought you'd do?

Lore: when we get back together? let me explain this one i always had the thought « if the relationships comes to a breakup, just move on, you'll be okay » and it was true cause each time I tried to fix things with my exs was more nostalgia speaking than love. so I was decisive about this way of thinking, and that's also why I took that much time to come back... but you and I, we are inevitable.

Leo: pareil, get back together.... i truly thought we were doomed because you didn't rly like me (?) but i guess i've been proven wrong…

What's your favorite thing about me?

Lore: how much you care for your relatives; this unquestioned and unconditional love you've got for them, it mesmerises me.

Leo: how sweet of a woman you are like if i put you in my coffee every day i'd end up with diabetes. my fav thing about you is your identity, your entirety t'as tellement de facettes (que i cherish) i couldn't pick you're such a woman to me, like think ideal? that's what you are.

When did you see a new side of me that surprised you?

Lore: Hahahahaha at the very, very first beginning, when I did not imagine you could have any interest in me & then suddenly you said something (can't remember what) and I thought « is he... flirting with me? ») THERE you surprised me.

Leo: O_o when you liked me back

[aroaceacacia]

im tinhatting. the team awesome hearts are sus.

HEAR ME OUT.

yesterday after the attack on the APO, mapicc rewarded vortex and bacon for their loyalty by handing out enough hearts to get both of them and planetlord to 20 hearts. previously, all three of those players had under 5 hearts, and all of their new heart count has been provided by team awesome. when asked about the source of these hearts, zam claimed to have grinded for them.

... which I don't doubt, but ~50 hearts so casually is A LOT. that's not the amount you can just grind - especially because, iirc, you can only use crafted hearts to add to your heart count if you're below 10? so unless they did some withdrawing and using to strategically make them regular hearts, which sounds annoying, I think something else has gone on.

i think the terrain ban was an inside job.

terrain has been a member of team awesome since day 1. while hes frequently been sort of left behind by mapicc and ro, he has still been considered their ally; mapicc supported him during the snooh riddle conflicts with mcclutch, and terry brought supplies to ro during the destruction of the end.

and then, all of a sudden, you expect me to believe hed just be banned? a screenshot on twitter, and that's it?

yesterday, during the destruction of the APO, team awesome deliberately avoid destroying a few areas (the blurch/new spawn, IHOB, terrain's mansion). after things calm down, terrain joins voice call and things are awfully comfortable and friendly. terrain says he noticed that new people joined the team awesome server - hinting he hadnt been betrayed. the group also briefly discussed terrain's revival (he said hed forgotten which team did it). so why was he banned? things dont add up.

there are two possible scenarios here.

1) after terrain used the infinite hearts glitch, he said that he was made to get rid of the hearts, but specified he'd held onto some, and gave them to mapicc and I think zam as thanks. from what I remember, terrain reported that there were shenanigans that happened and those gift hearts may have been disposed of? I dont recall specifics, but it's not a stretch to think terrain may have had more hearts tucked away - or that the ones hed saved for his friends were hidden somewhere all this time - and that's the source of the huge amount of hearts team awesome was giving away. but if that's the case, why was terrain banned?

2) does anyone remember what happened to leowook when he was banned during zam's medusa execution? someone dropped 5 hearts on the ground, leo had them in his inventory, leo was on 1 heart and got banned. when he died, he dropped his inventory (as is normal) and the players near him pick up 5 withdrawn hearts from his items. hours later, when hes accidentally revived, he comes back with his full inventory - including the 5 hearts.

tl;dr i think team awesome may have banned terrain while he was holding a large sum of hearts in his inventory, so that when they (or someone else) revived him, all of the hearts would be duped.

i could be totally wrong, maybe they did just grind for the hearts and then meticulously drop their own heart counts, use crafted hearts, and withdraw until all of the heart items would be usable for the future members of team awesome. but i dont think that's as compelling as "we asked our friend to be a sacrificial lamb and turned him into an infinite heart fountain for the SECOND time this season"

in short:

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian Chapter 15 reactions; *nobby nobbs voice* ‘s all gone a bit percychological, sir

 - so from both chapter 6 and now this: rick famuyiwa is incredible at portraying prolonged discomfort and tension (and also at getting din’s endless love for that baby across through the stress of being separated from him. this is the very first episode with no baby in it at all, isn’t it? wow that’s a heartbreaking milestone to reach im crying)

I liked this episode SO MUCH but I had to pause it pretty often and take a breather because it all made me so viscerally uncomfortable on din’s behalf -- not just the armour and having to take the helmet off and be seen for the (almost, ilu IG-11) first time in decades, people keep touching him in this episode when he clearly doesn’t want them to but can’t stop it and it makes me want to claw my own skin off in sympathy, it’s so awful. that’s really neat film making to manage to keep that tension steady almost all the way through!!! 

honestly this episode felt a little bit like psychological horror, with the cheering storm troopers and din in the wrong armour and clearly not digging it and there’s the palpable absence of baby and that ever present dread of being Perceived when you’re not ready for it; everything’s turned upside down from how it should be. and it’s playing with that discomfort both in the main character and in us, the audience, in having the familiar be made unfamiliar and also introducing these questions that shake up everything (that feeling you get of ‘but... if it’s not the helmet, and not the armour, but there’s his face, but we’ve only seen that face once before so it’s still basically new to us, is this... is this still him. is this still Dad’ (oooh I wonder if we’re... sort of getting some of the ??? the baby would be feeling about it too?) we’ve all imprinted on that t-shaped visor like little baby birds, and this was a very clever episode to break us out of that and start to really get used to the thought of him having several faces that are real simultaneously, in a way, and not just a voice. it’s all very smart and interesting and I’m sure I’ll have a lot of incoherent thoughts about this in the weeks to come lol)    

- the actual reason din can’t take off the helmet is that if people were able to see his wide confused puppy eyes they would no longer find it in themselves to send him on long arduous side missions and would help him immediately just so he’d feel better, and that would rob us of like 80% of the content for this show 

mayfeld in this episode: clearly a casualty of this. he literally sees one glimpse of the vulnerability there and then within five seconds goes on to materialize a few redeeming character traits after being a complete jackass for an episode and a half. (I mean. he was 100% still an imperial so I’m a bit ‘hm.’ about how easily especially cara let him off the hook, but with the way it was set up I guess it would have been quite shitty of them to just throw him back in prison so I mean I GUESS. I would be endlessly grateful someone got my awkward bff out of there alive and well too I suppose)

- I actually think din’s sense/integrity of self has gotten so much stronger and more resilient (though probably still quite fragile pls handle with care precious cargo within); if this had happened in the first season I think it might honestly just have killed him (and if it weren’t for IG-11 it probably would have lol)

- can you beLIEVE din is so bad at lying that they literally should plan for contingencies over it fjkasdlhfskajdhfsdj     

- very grateful for the scene with the spear throw that’s basically there to reassure us ‘uh-huh, he absolutely knows how to use it, don’t worry about that part at least’

I want to make a whole post about that fight scene, though, it’s just so GOOD! there’s so much storytelling and characterization in it! even out of the armour din has some real hand to hand MOVES!! he clearly came out of that aching all over, he can barely get back in his seat!!!

- so what I’m mainly taking away from this is that din absolutely cuts his own hair and you know what? he does a good job considering the conditions he has to work under, I love him  

I still find it so goddamn darling that he meticulously maintains that little mustache/stubble combo under there even when there’s every reason to believe no one will ever see it 

I suppose we can also gather that he did not ask cobb about whatever insane feat of magic he’s come up with to avoid helmet hair, but I don’t care looking a bit frazzled and tousled is exactly right for him (he’s so put together when he’s in the armour and a MESS when he’s out of it and I  l o v e  it) 

- boba fett is honestly so fucking hot in this I don’t know what to do with myself haha. he’s so CALM and CALCULATED and COLLECTED in his newly painted armour and he’s GOT THIS and he made that ‘I’ve got one of those faces. one of jango’s many, many, many faces’ joke and he’s so thicc now, he looks like he could easily lift me over his head with one hand and he’s just quietly steady and undramatically supportive and sdalfhsdjhfsa 

- ...din does know who the clone troopers were, right. I mean of course he does. he has to. but does he though. I’m sure he does and just wasn’t thinking. 

- no matter how stressful it was I’m still really grateful that in the end taking the helmet off was something din got to do himself -- it’s under some duress, but it’s still his choice and for the sake of the baby, and almost in two more manageable steps between putting on the storm trooper gear for a different helmet before taking it off altogether. it’s not something done to him by gideon, for example, that would be. so much yuckier and worse. he still has that control and agency intact, even if it’s been tested really hard, and now gideon doing that doesn’t hold the exact same nightmarish power anymore because there’s already a little space opened in din’s mind for different things it can mean, if you see what I mean. I’m not sure I see what I mean actually I just have a lot of feelings haha. so I guess thank you mayfeld for being decent about it and helping him towards that realization that he can still be himself outside these really really inflexible structures he’s set up around himself for like. stability and keeping himself upright for a really long time, and that even someone halfway decent won’t disrespect the boundaries he still has about it at any given moment. man there’s a lot in this episode isn’t there

- the sigh din gave when he saw even more pirates coming and knew he had to get back up... never has a single moment in cinema better captured how I feel about being alive. most relatable man in the world din djarin

- it was really cruel of them to make me listen to din’s dead bleak voice say ‘the child is gone’ again, it wrecks my heart every goddamn time 

- again... I wish carano wasn’t Like That in real life because the cara & fennec scenes should have been everything I could ever dream. ah well fennec was still wonderful and if I just allow myself to think in-universe for a few seconds it was really touching that din would entrust cara with his entire armour, that’s some prime BrOTP energy right there

I love that we got two female characters who were just allies and working together, no competition or nothin’. listen the bar is low but it’s nice to see something actually leap gracefully over it as well lol

- this was one of those with some pretty big open plot holes (why, exactly, would a scan of a completely unknown face be helpful to get into this classified system lol), but a) I don’t care, the emotional storyline was so sound it doesn’t really matter and b) eh handwave handwave let’s say mayfeld programmed that little stick with the good shit and overrode the code saying there needed to be an identity match within the system, it’s all fine 

- I know I joke a lot about this but din really is one of the most relatable characters I’ve ever had. just watching him struggle with eye contact and going pretty much nonverbal under enough stress is like. wow a bit close to home there could we, perhaps, nOT?? (honestly though these are trauma/anxiety things I really don’t see portrayed a lot, especially in protagonists, it’s so odd but healing to see it in a character I love and who’s EXTREMELY competent in many other settings)

- din repeating gideon’s speech back to him word for word (except for the crucial detail that he calls grogu ‘him’ instead of ‘it’ 😭😭😭) and saying nothing else is truly Everything. I’ve said some stuff about din’s deliberate and thoughtful relationship to language in the past and this is such an amazing example of it; he’s remembered that pitch perfect all this time, he’s kept it around in his head and mulled it over and then redeployed it to change the meaning of it completely from dehumanization to love. can you. can you even imagine. and it’s yet another example of his hilarious wonderful petty streak and I can never get enough of it fasjhdfkjalhs    

- din always noticing the children first and foremost Y_______Y (the kids running by is the only thing you see him sort of acknowledge when he’s walking into the covert in season 1 too)  

- please... please I just need him to be able to hold that baby against his chest all safe and sound and okay again I can’t it’s........ hh

NO SEASON END CLIFF HANGER ON THIS I AM  B E G G I N G  YOU 

- I would be having some thoughts about how much space there actually is on slave 1 and what that might mean (do not kill boba again please don’t kill him again), but honestly there’s only ‘GET BABY’ hours in here now, I can’t speculate about anything

[twonderland]

☆*:.｡. NRC has a maid cafe?! .｡.:*☆

Pt. 2

- after Azul seems to be unable to finish sentences while talking to you, (this lil’ devil is laughing inside from seeing Azul’s red face) he is the next tutor to help you improve your performance. It was easy now that you have already started with Azul

- “Oya...” is the only thing that he says after seeing you in your maid outfit, when you approach him he’s still looking at you with slightly wider eyes, his expression is a bit difficult to read but this is Jade, so his usual smug smirk appears in no time

- “Fair enough, let’s continue this practice little maid” he starts to walk to one of the tables “yes ! Jade-senpai” but as soon as you finish saying that he turns around, leans forward and places a finger on your lips making you silent “it’s Jade-sama, isn’t it now ?” he says with a smug smirk, looking you straight in the eyes

- BLUSH

- you are blushing madly while he proceeds with his tutelage, you thought you could control being near him 👀 in private.... calling him master....

- “WHO AM I KIDDING?!” You think, this is Jade, and if he casually touching you and being your tutor isn’t enough his eyes doesn’t help, he’s calm and collected, every time you move he sees it so meticulously

- Trying to hide the excitement when he congratulates you is nearly impossible “very well little maid” also gives you little head pats. When there’s something of the menu that you aren’t sure how to pronounce it he comes from behind and grabs the menu while you do and intertwines his long fingers with yours, you can feel his body warmth on your back while he’s clearing all doubts right next to your ear with a soft voice

- YOU CANT PROCESS ANYTHING THAT HE'S SAYING GOD DAMN IT

- It’s funny how at the beginning Azul was the one being incapable of speaking and now here you are in the same state

- Everything seems “casual” or even innocent but you notice that there is always a part of him touching you, his hand o your lower back, pats on the head, he guiding your hands, but there is a moment where you almost kiss him ...

- He was next to your face looking at the menu and you turn your face to look at him and , he did the same thing

- Lest just say that the warmth of both of your bodies increased at that moment ...

- “Are ~ koebi-Chan looks like a penguin now !! Hehehe” (Floyd stop) he’s all thrilled when he heard that Jade and Azul were helping you ! That means you can stay in monstro lounge all afternoon !!!

- Don’t get it wrong, even if Floyd is hyperactive and sometimes he can’t focus he’s a really good waiter, he’s fast, and can remember lots of orders at once, so he doesn’t understand why his koebi-Chan is so slow ~

- “Trying to move in this high heels is kind of difficult Floyd” “eeeh ~ is that so~ well, what if I do ... THIS !!!” He’s carrying you now “Koebi-Chan will go faster like this right? ~ HEHEHE” “FLOYD STOP IT IM STILL HOLDING THE TRAY!!!”

- he’s taking this opportunity to be even more touchy and clingy than usual, is just that you look so cute in those clothes !! (If you know what I mean 😏) They are so tiny and they fit you so well ~. He’s still holding you while he takes a seat, in other words, you are on his lap “very good koebi-chan~ so when you approach any customer you will hand them the menu and explain the main dishes ...” “y-yeah but Floyd, I should be standing next to the table so I can practice” his embrace tightens a bit making you nervous “Mmm, what was that koebi-chan?” “....n-never mind”

- Everything went (in some way) cool at the end, but just when Floyd started imagining that you would be attending only male customers he tried to persuade you to not attend the day of the festival

- “There’s no way I’m not attending to the cafe Floyd !!” “Buuuut koebi-chan monstro Lounge is WAY more entertaining !!! Why don’t you stay, and have fun !!”

- You manage to convince him that he can visit as a customer so you can put in practice everything he taught you !

- The day of the festival he scapes from his dorm activity to go and visit you at the cafe ! He says that he’s used to Azul getting mad anyway~

- Also .... there was a tiny blush on his face when you called him “Floyd-sama” “Ahahaha, I’m koebi-Chan’s master! Now I order you to wear this clothes every time you visit monstro lounge!!!” “EH ?!”

- As usual Ocatvinelle has really sly members ...

- He’s helping at the café as a butler, Azul mentioned his skills as a waiter and he was cool about it, it means he can do something that he’s familiar with, right ?

- BUT THIS TIME he has proper butler clothes and bless god he got that outfit ‘cause it fits him so damn good 👏🏻👌👌

- I MEAN haven’t you seen his fit figure ? He also has grace while moving, something that you wouldn't expect from someone of his height but hey .... you are not the only one admiring his appearance, he’s also checking you out 😏

- He was kind of jealous that you had been practicing with other guys like Floyd or Jade, but obviously he’s not gonna say anything about it, he doesn’t even understand those feelings anyway (why would he care where were you ? Or who were you practicing with ?)

- He’s a good and intelligent boy, doesn’t have problem memorizing everything on the menu. The day of the festival arrived and he was eager to see you, he knew that your outfit was cute but ... not this cute. The very moment you spoke to him he’s blushing a little bit and stuttering, ITS JUST THAT , you are so tiny and he having the view he has, he almost can see from upside your cleavage ....

- he’s cursing himself for having this kind of thoughts. But there’s no time for being shy, the customers were here. There was a group of guys that were checking you out ever since they came into the cafe, “stop looking at her like that you stupid dumb asses” he didn’t get involved in the situation a lot until one of them dropped a fork purposely to the floor so when you tried to pick it up they could see under you skirt

- HELL NO

- Just when you were bending down to pick it up Jack was holding your torso from behind so you didn’t went any forward and he leaves a clean fork on the table of the customers

- “Your fork master, please be careful to not drop it again, or something else can end on the floor” he said between teeth with a low and threatening voice

- He took you to a side of the cafe away from the clients, pinned you to the wall so he had all your attention, he was mad he was really mad

- “Listen now, whenever they drop something to the floor or try to touch you you tell me got it ?” He didn’t notice he was holding your waist

- “”Uh ... yeah... ok” you’re blushing, thats when he realizes

- Both of you are a blushing mess and went out attending customers like that, good luck guys ! 😂

[catboyroycebracket]

royce bracket ............ i wanna type up a bunch of royce and red parallels/opposites ive noticed and talked about w friends. im going to type up a bunch of other things too tho i like going off on tangents!!!!

royce and red are both disillusioned with the utopian cloudbank and what it has to offer. theyve both reached the peak of their careers and both want a change of scenery (red’s “think ill go where it suits me, moving out to the country” and royces Actual Moving Out to the strange outskirts of town, fairview). (reds music and concerts have been popular for Years Straight. royce might actually be past the height of his career? either way.) theyre both Very Wary of the city itself and they both value privacy immensely: they both did not cite why they chose their selections. i believe theyre the only characters mentioned in game to have declined giving their reasoning.

royce is calm always. red is Very Angry about her current circumstance, and seems to Usually be of that nature (according to her husband.)

royce is very argumentative, and believes his views to be superior (seen best in his camerata memos). similarly, red is always the one to decide whats best for herself, though she isnt as unhinged (for lack of better word) as royce. i wouldnt quite call royce unhinged in general? he is obsessive and thorough and has a strange moral code but absolutely doesnt fall into the evil scientist cookie cut. i think his character’s emphasis on his loneliness (or lack of loneliness in his absurdly lonely situation) makes his bizarre morals more like..... offhand. like hes so so so into his work that thats secondary, and doesnt matter at the moment.

royce is a recluse. he moved to live in an unfinished, experimental part of the town that appears to not have any other inhabitants. mentions that the commute to where he lives is “less fortunate” for grant. red is the opposite, she lives in the very heart of the town, the most popular residential district.

royce’s family name appears to hold a Lot of power in the city; the admin office is set up as part of bracket towers. all votes are tallied there. the towers themselves are noted to be Very Very old, its unlikely they were named for royce specifically. royce and red are Both very well known, but for different reasons: royce for some unexplored family connection, and red for her work. red is beloved by the citizens. royce is somewhat unknown by them. royce being born into an influential family then finding his meticulously crafted work to be unnoticed would definitely add a layer of explanation to why he just Up And Left When He Became Obsessed With The Transistor.

they both love the city very very very much. royce loves its inner workings and the way its made. he loves the city more than he loves its people (though he does love a select few people): he seems Completely Fine with existing in an emptied town. he only appears to be upset over his friends’ deaths and not anybody elses. he does not care at all about reds death if he wins. red loves the people of the city more than she loves the city itself. shes Absolutely terrified of everyone being gone in her text responses, and when it comes down to it, does not want to live alone in the city.

royce also seems somewhat fine with mass surveillance according to his snapshot memo?? versus red in she shines makes a Very clear statement about how strange it is she (the city) is always watching (“she will keep us in her sights / we never mind her diligence, watching us all lie awake”)

lucie sent this yesterday which blew my mind:

in the function files, “retirement” is always the cameratas coverup for their assassinations. disappearances are always equated with retirement. im Certain retirement is just death. 40+ appears to be considered “retirement age” too, and royce is almost in his 40s. grant is mentioned as being unusually old despite being only middle aged. i think royce the Tired engineer who doesnt let himself get attached to his work was absolutely considered like. on his way to retirement. where death is something you choose for yourself when you consider your work done, in a town where you have immense control over What your work is, but no control over the work itselfs impact or importance... i think instead of engaging with that in any capacity he instead took to obsessively studying the transistor instead, though. he wanted more control!! he wanted permanence and a more rigid form of change!! he wanted to love his work.

in the “every main character in transistor loses their biggest love” train of thought (with red losing her husband, mansistor losing his wife, sybil losing her chance at love, grant losing the city he loved, his lifes work, and asher losing his husband) royce’s biggest love is the transistor itself, as well as what it symbolizes. its a Priceless allpowerful all knowing key to the city, of Course the obsessive engineer would want to study it and mess around with it. the transistor symbolizes a unique power hes always wanted; a promise that the changes made with it could be more permanent.

royce and reds relationship with death is also insanely interesting. red has nothing to live for if her beloved city and husband are gone. some of her lyrics contain a longing for the country and other such themes, “if i should choose to rise im still descending” comes to mind. royce says he “always wanted to know what its like in there, so either way... i win” .. he appears to have no issue with being integrated. HOWEVER that line is said in his like second or third phase, when you hit his last phase he appears Much more desperate and against the idea of being integrated: he calls upon his friends’ names, repeats a phrase over and over to calm himself, and ultimately despairs when defeated. his death animation is extremely interesting: he never stops reaching for his transistor even after it completely fizzles away.

he also calls cloudbank HIS town:

this guy loves things with a burning passion and im just. i think hes interesting. red and royce Both love things extremely passionately, pouring themselves into their work. of Course the games final conflict is city-as-a-constructed-monolith lover versus city-as-a-place-for-people lover

[ohcnnes]

☢      —     ( LILI REINHART, CIS WOMAN, SHE/HER )     Trading in their scrunchies for gauze bandage rolls might not come easy for ANNE MILTON. This twenty six year old midwife brings medical knowledge, quick thinking and ex-gymnast fitness to the table … but their softness and unwillingness to kill could drag the group down. And while their nurturing nature might raise group morale, their over-thinking might give them a few enemies. That’s the last thing anyone needs right now. Hopefully, in the apocalypse movie that’s now their life, this BLEEDING HEART will make it to the end credits.     ( SAM, 23, SHE/HER, AEST )

OOC.

hello m’ladies, m’gents, and m’neithers my name is sam and this is written at either 1am or 5:30am because im australian and an idiot so pls forgive if there are any super dooper obvious spelling mistakes. anyways some fun facts: i’m an ex film student that now works in a pet store. i’m a whore for ari aster but i hope he goes to therapy or else i think he desperately needs to. 

i’ve played a few iterations of anne before but never something like this and i am so, so, so excited. i will probably never speak in the group chat because i have Social Anxiety(TM) and i am Intimidated By All Of You(TM) but i swear i am friendly pls come talk to me lmao

STATS.

full name: anne marie milton

best known as: anne

age: twenty six

occupation: midwife/registered nurse at a public hospital

star sign: virgo

trope: the bleeding heart

traits: diligent, nurturing, loyal, kind, intelligent, empathetic, meticulous, critical, over-thinking, jealous, anxious, clingy, secretive, overly trusting

drink / smoke / drugs: yes / no / no

MORE INFO.

born and raised in fort elm, she’s the middle child of three with an older sister and a younger brother. the three were raised mainly by their mother after their father passed fighting in the vietnam war when all the children were relatively young

as a result anne has a mother complex. idk if thats a thing but im making it one. she mothers everyone and feels like needs to look after everyone she knows, protect them, help them. hence the obvious move into the nursing/midwifing career

growing up she was pretty popular, like she’s friendly and charming and then on top of that a hot blonde that did gymnastics and cheerleading what do u want from me. was also an over achiever and perfectionist– has severely calmed down since she was in high school but i think she is still a perfectionist at heart like come on she’s a virgo

she sometimes comes off as fake but istg she is that much of a people pleaser. will try to be friends with everyone and obv has huge mom friend/big sister energy

believes in giving everyone a shot and it takes a lot of fucking her over for her to decide she doesn’t like you but even then if u came to her and said u had changed once she’d be like OK HERE U GO ANOTHER CHANCE LUV U 

a big romantic/emotional whore. loves love but always feels like she’s letting people down/not doing enough in relationships so ends up breaking them off before they go too far. and then gets in another relationship fairly quickly bc she just be like that

also giving her a labrador and u cant stop me xx

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

friends: dear god please be her friend she will do anything for u. would love friends from high school, maybe people that didn’t like her/the people she hung out with in high school and they have since become friends, bad influence friends (anne will mother extra hard but also get drunk around), ex-romances turned friends, toxic friendships that should have ended by now but havent, anne would legit try and make friends with rocks if she could so literally anyone could be her friend

romance ended ugly: ok i want one angsty thing sue me im human. the relationship that went too far before anne ended things so when she eventually did it hurt more and seemed more out of no where and anne prob got defensive and mean solely so they wouldn’t fight for it but still prob has so much love for them bc idk yall she got some issues anyways gimme 🤲

hook ups, ex-romances, roommates, people who dislike her (maybe someone she dislikes back but we would truly have to talk about it and figure out a juicy plot bc it takes a lot), party friends, dead ass anything lets go girls 

[lesbianrobin]

Im dying to know, do you have any holiday-themed Steve, Robin, Party, etc. headcanons?

god you KNOW i do!!! first of all i celebrate christmas and i dont rly know anything about other holidays this time of year so im just gonna... work on the assumption that they all celebrate christmas, but if anyone who doesnt celebrate or celebrates something else wants to reblog and add their own hcs i encourage it!!! okay this is gonna be so scattered but:

steve never really liked christmas very much. it was always just stressful and he hated having to spend time with his family and he always got like the most generic expensive boring gifts from his parents and it just wasn't really fun... the first christmas he really got into it was the christmas he spent with nancy and after they broke up, he was like oh christmas just fucking sucks!! but then...

that next christmas dustin invites him over for christmas eve and he brings a pie that he bought from the grocery store and claudia thanks him a million times and he wishes that he'd baked it himself so he didn't feel so guilty

dustin gives him a little baseball bat ornament and claudia is like "oh i thought you played basketball!" and steve is like "oh uh i do but i like baseball too :)" and he and dustin kinda smile at each other and steve ruffles his hair and they watch rudolph on tv and steve is like oh christmas.... is good......

speaking of dustin he always starts thinking about christmas gifts in like october but somehow ends up with absolutely nothing on december 20th and he has to run around in a panic finding gifts for the party

he drinks hot chocolate like a maniac... he doesnt drink water the entire month of december it's hot chocolate or it's nothing

hes one of those people who will say "come on it's christmas!!!" on like the tenth

lucas is one of those people who will say "no asshole it's december tenth"

lucas loves christmas!! he just thinks that it's a day and not a whole fucking month!!! he thinks anything before like december 15th is too much

the only thing he hates about christmas is that his parents always make him and erica pick out gifts for each other with no help from them... and since erica is an evil genius she always gets lucas the perfect gift just so she can hold it over his head for the entire year when he accidentally gets her a toy she already owns

she literally watches him open his present like >:) and lucas is pissed when it's this extremely specific action figure that he's wanted for a long time but he swears he never even mentioned it to anybody

and then he just sits there feeling like a stupid asshole as she unwraps a random doll that lucas figured she might like since its hair looks kind of sort of vaguely like erica's and she's like "thanks lucas :) i think i have this one already but it's sweet" and his parents are like "hey it's the thought that counts! erica see your brother knows what you like :)" and she's like "yeah :)" and then as soon as their parents aren't looking she sticks her tongue out at lucas and he sticks his out back at her

the sinclairs have such a disgustingly perfect christmas like they bake cookies together and shit it's adorable

speaking of adorable families the byers house is so full of love on christmas

almost all of the ornaments on their tree are handmade little crafts from when will and jonathan were younger and they buy tinsel at the dollar store and just go fucking ham with it their tree always looks like a hobby lobby threw up

growing up joyce would usually try to get them some things they need on christmas and then like one or two special things for each of them and she could never buy the fancy new toys that were in all the ads on tv and in magazines but she knows her boys.... jonathan got his first camera on christmas and it was from a secondhand store and kind of dinged up and definitely old as shit but he loved it..... will always got some new construction paper and crayons or markers so by the end of christmas day joyce would have new drawings to put up on the fridge or a new little ornament that he made for her.....

sometime in november jonathan would always be like "okay will i have a secret mission for you, you need to find out something mom needs that we could give her for christmas!" and will would be like "you have to say your mission should you choose to accept it" and jonathan would say "well i know you're gonna accept the mission" and will's like "jonathannnnn" and jonathan would be like "okay fine your mission should you choose to accept it" and will would be like >:) im a spy >:)

so little baby will would action roll around the house humming the mission impossible theme and peeking around walls at joyce and then after like a week he'd say "i think mom needs a stool she keeps jumping to try and reach stuff high up in the cabinets" and jonathan's like awesome thanks and he finds a cheap folding stool and some chocolates that he can afford with whatever money he has saved up and he has will wrap it because he figures it's like ten times cuter that way and joyce cries when she sees the little christmas card will put with the stool for her

i'm going way more in depth than i need to thvjdjcd but basically the byers house is all love man... so much love ..... they don't use colored lights anymore they only use the solid strands but they still have fun decorating together and will makes paper chains and stuff to hang up and i'm about to make myself cry

so!! this is getting super long fjvndmcmd

nancy is absolute dogshit at buying presents for people she's just terrible at it. she always just asks mike and holly and her parents what they want and buys exactly what they tell her and if they don't tell her anything then she has like a mental breakdown about it and panics and buys like. a flannel pajama gift set from the department store.

when she's dating steve he tells her not to worry about getting him anything which she takes at face value until her mom asks what she's giving steve like three days before christmas and then she starts panicking and she goes to a sporting goods store and just asks the first employee she sees what a teenage boy who plays basketball might like

steve can't tell if he should be like happy or vaguely offended that his girlfriend gave him like shoe deodorizers and a water bottle and socks for a sports team that he doesn't root for... she tried though and thats all he cares about

she and jonathan agree they'll exchange gifts but nothing over like MAX fifteen bucks which is easy she just finds a tape or a record she thinks he'll like and she's set (she spends a full hour in the music store and almost just gets a gift certificate for him but eventually she just says fuck it and picks some random shit she's never heard of and hopes he likes whatever it is)

mike on the other hand is actually like... insanely good at gift giving because he pays close attention to the people he cares about and he just like Knows if lucas or dustin or will is gonna like something

he just doesnt really buy into christmas all that much?? it's cool to get free stuff and eat cookies and all but he thinks people make it into a bigger deal than it should be

holly still believes in santa though so he likes seeing how excited she gets on christmas... it warms his cold tween boy heart.....

the first christmas he gets to spend with el he turns into a fucking christmas enthusiast and he makes her hot chocolate and gives her a tape full of christmas songs and he asks his mom for a bigger gift allowance because he has a GIRLFRIEND now and she's never- uh, THEY'VE never celebrated christmas TOGETHER so it has to be SPECIAL MOM!!!!

karen is like buddy calm down but it's so nice to see him excited about something again that she caves and gives him like forty bucks and tells him not to tell nancy or his dad

el and hopper christmas... i cannot go into detail or i WILL cry but hopper takes her with him to pick out their tree and she's so meticulous about it like examining all of them and he's just standing there in the cold freezing his ass off letting her do her thing because she's so excited that he doesn't have the heart to tell her they're basically all the same and to just hurry up and pick one

he gives her a lot of books... there are so many books under their ugly fucking tree because el picks one thats extremely crooked because she says it seems nice and hopper cant find any of his old decorations so they have to start from scratch...

el enlists the whole party for help finding hopper a present because it has to be the best present of all time!!!! they're like well what does he like and she's like uh tv.... coffee.... gun...... and they're like uh we can get him a coffee mug?

so on christmas morning el presents him with a "BEST DAD" mug full of candy and he hugs her so she won't see that he's fucking crying

she also gives max a drawing she did of max as wonder woman and it isn't very good but max says it's her favorite present she's ever gotten and she keeps it folded up in her nightstand

max has mixed feelings about christmas

i should not have saved her for last this is depressing

fuck her family fuck all of that okay max spends christmas eve with the sinclairs and christmas day with el because her mom and neil don't really feel like celebrating this year and so for the first time in a long time her christmas is full of love and joy and hopper makes them cinnamon rolls for breakfast which el has never had before and it's great

the party usually does a big gift swap and they don't get each other anything too fancy or expensive but it's sweet... they all gather in mike's basement like the day after christmas and eat the leftovers from the wheelers' christmas dinner and give each other comics and action figures and dice

once robin enters the picture she and steve lowkey get smashed on christmas eve together off peppermint schnapps and they play rockin around the christmas tree like ten times and jump around until they get dizzy...

they give each other little things like every other day leading up to christmas so by the end of december they've exchanged gifts like ten times but it isn't their FAULT okay!!! steve just saw these earrings and thought of her so he got them... and robin couldn't just leave that wham! crop top sitting in the store...... and steve couldn't resist the cheap bff necklaces he found while looking for a gift for erica....... and what is robin meant to do, ignore the stuffed kermit doll she saw in a store window?

it's just unrealistic

i like to think that everybody gathers at the byers house for lunch or dinner on christmas eve... they just hang out and exchange presents and make cookies and watch christmas movies and argue over which ones suck and which ones are actually good...... they just spend time together without any fear or danger and it's good

[ohhcnnas]

( benedetta gargari, female ) did you hear how HANNA RILEY is applying to columbia university as an ECOLOGY AND ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCES major ?! the 23 year old is living in the EAST CAMPUS. i heard that they got in because they are + BRAVE and + INDEPENDENT, but honestly i think SHE can be -RIGID and - SHORT TEMPERED. they’re a real STICK IN THE MUD. oh well, only time will tell if the SENIOR will make it til the end.  

about the mun !!

hi hello its sam again ! i also play lukas but i felt like bringing my fave lesbian to the table bc i havent played her in fuckin ages and i miss her

about hanna !!

full name: hanna kate riley

nickname(s): han ?? idk hanna is technically already a nickname lmao

age: twenty three

gender: cis female

pronouns: she/her

hometown: north lake, wisconsin

date of birth: may 2nd

occupation: student ( ecology and environmental sciences, senior ), retail assistant at a reclaimed vintage store

relationship status: single but maybe dating some npc that doesnt go to columbia im still deciding lol

drink / smoke / drugs: rarely / no / no

faceclaim: benedetta gargari

positive traits: dedicated, brave, quick witted, protective, independent, organised

negative traits: stubborn, isolated, self doubting, lonely, short tempered, rigid, blunt

if he was in a hogwarts house: gryffindor

now some more dot points that are just me talking about hanna !!

growing up in small town wisconsin hanna didn’t ever really plan on going to a college like columbia. 

number one she doubted her own ability to get into an ivy league university, despite being heavily involved in extra curricular programs and having very good grades she never thought it was going to be enough to earn her a place in such a prestigious institution

number two she kind of always thought she’d stay closer to home, maybe the university of wisconsin or something in chicago. she’s incredibly close with her family, having grown up with most of her extended family living in her hometown or at least quite close to her hometown 

but all the same she applied, her driving motivation being columbia’s brilliant environmental science research programs. she’d been an avid environmentalist since she was a tween. a vegetarian since she was eleven, a vegan since she was fourteen, and even trying her best to live as waste free as possible from time to time ( senior year she’s not very focused on it because it takes a lot of time that she doesn’t have between study and work but she still tries a lil )

she’s a very old soul, heavily influenced by the fact that she grew up living with her grandparents. she loves reading, is always carrying a book in her bag if not several. she dresses pretty modestly but thats a comfort thing more than like a wanting to be modest thing lmao. big introvert but not shy, she will absolutely tell you to go fuck yourself if you’re annoying her even slightly

as you might have already put together she’s very passionate. being a gay environmentalist teenager in small town wisconsin she’s always felt the need to label herself and make sure she’s very strong in her opinions so no one questions her identity or tells her that its a phase and it will pass. she’s calmed down like, a little bit as she’s gotten older but she’s still very passionate about who she is and making sure people know what the fuck she’s about

she’s currently president of the lgbt club at columbia, vice president of feminist thought, a member of the outdoor orienteering club, and ex member of the student council. she “quit”/”was asked to leave” after getting into a v heated argument about something or other lmao

finally: she is a very nice and caring person. she likes to joke around, and really isn’t that tightly wound you just have to get past the hard shell asshole exterior and then she’ll be the gay mom of ur dreams

i just said finally but i want to include her aesthetic from the app bc it really just summarised her very well: recycled denim, thrifted sweaters, homemade rally signs, second hand books, x files on repeat, doc martens, liking plants more than people, carrying her bike upstairs so it doesn't get stolen, patches sown onto bags and jackets, pride pins, headphones in podcasts on, colour coded notes and a meticulously organised day planner, putting way too much soy milk in tea, looking forward to farmers markets

wanted connections babey !!

so with lukas i had a literal week to come up with some specific ones, i did not do that here so mainly will be looking at brainstorming but here’s some starting points

old roommates: maybe they got along, maybe they didn’t. hanna is a very neat person but she also needs everyone else to be neat as well, would definitely lose her shit about people leaving leftovers in the fridge until they stunk 

club members: this one is much more vague bc it’ll depend on what clubs, what their connection is to the club, give me some people that were on student council with her lmao

sorry i hit u with my bike but what the hell were u doing in the bike lane: it’d be funny give it to me pls 

live a little: someone that’s trying to break her out of her shell, it’s senior year and she’s probably only ever gone to a handful of parties, she hasn’t done a lot of stuff simply because she always felt she didn’t need to, but now she’s worried she’s missed out on some valuable college experience

cryptozoology enthusiasts: hanna loves weird stuff, she doesn’t really believe in everything but she thinks its fun to talk about cryptids like they could be real. her uncle goes to a mothman festival every year and brings her back a t shirt so she has an extensive collection now. she loves a good ghost adventures and roast zak bagans session. bonus points if this connection also includes a plan to go to vegas just to go to zak bagan’s haunted museum

hanna has probably pissed off a lot of people, feel free to hate her: thats it thats the connection ( im kidding pls lets plot it out and come up with something funny )

ben wyatt voice its about the found family:  found family pls like dont have to be gays but bonus points if they are but either way hanna is the mom thats just the facts

literally anything lets mcfreakin lose it

[no-other-words]

let’s take this offline - ch2

synergy is the key to success [read on ao3] kageyama needs to burn that sweater-vest and hinata needs to not get turned on by kageyama’s voice.

---

“Hi, I’m Hinata!”

It feels like he’s repeated this at least ten times now, but the conversation that comes after is never the same. Hinata has met pretty much all the people joining their team and he’s already liking this new bunch.

A meet-and-greet was called forth by Daichi where Kuroo’s team can meet the rest of the Marketing Division, a chance for new faces to introduce themselves and get to know one another. He adds in his memo that breakfast will be included and where there is free food, there is Hinata.

Seeing so many unfamiliar faces causes slight unease in Hinata so after loading up two full plates of fruits and muffins, he sets off to make some new acquaintances.

Oikawa seems like a total douche but the passionate way he talks about his line of work is admirable and Hinata goes starry-eyed. Akaashi is the complete opposite with his calm and collected demeanour and Hinata thinks that Kenma would get along with him. Aone is a tough one to crack but once Hinata mentions animal documentaries, an instant connection is built and he knows it will be a lasting one.

Then there’s the guy sulking in the corner of the room, staring relentlessly at Hinata. Eyes narrowed, brows scrunched, and lips pulled into small pout, he has not moved since Hinata got here. Everything about him is intense—the way he eats his fruits, the way he holds his coffee cup, the way he drinks from his cup.

The only thing that makes him slightly more approachable is the puke-green sweater vest he’s unfortunately wearing. Brave is the man who steps out into society in that.

He’s been avoiding to introduce himself but one can only be so rude for so long. Hinata musters up the courage, summons his biggest smile, and marches right up to the man.

“Good morning! I see you’re enjoying that coffee a lot.” He starts off. “I’m Hi—”

“I know. Your picture doesn’t do you justice.”

Now it’s his turn to stare. The next few seconds was a wild train ride as Hinata witnesses a rainbow of emotions running across the man’s face—shock, dismay, humiliation, and a final colour of cooled restraint. Or at least, as restrained as he can be with that growing flush of his.

Hinata hears the impact of an arrow shooting through his heart.

Then the guy blurts out, “I mean, you’re even harder to look at in person.”

That figurative arrow is then unforgivingly ripped out.

“What did you say?” Hinata growls.

“You just…” He appears to be struggling to find words. “You have that same stupid look—”

“Just give me your name so I know not to work with you in the future.”

“Too late, you already are.” The man takes his hand out for a handshake. “Kageyama Tobio.”

Hinata hisses in responses, slapping his hand away. “I knew there was something sinister about you.”

“Sinister? What the fuck do you mean?!”

Taking a step forward, Hinata says, “You were giving me angry looks the whole time I was here!”

“That’s because all I could see is that dumb picture you have on your Skype profile,” Kageyama says, putting his foot forward. “Take a better one by the way, it hurts my eyes and I don’t appreciate it.”

“Well I don’t appreciate your attitude.”

“You already said that, genius. Try to be original for once.”

Before Hinata can reply, both of them gets a hard pat on the back and they turn to see Kuroo, standing uncomfortably close and wearing an uncomfortably wide smile.

“Well well, we sure are getting acquainted here,” says Kuroo. “It’s always nice to see our staff get along. Makes for good team morale, don’t you think?”

The silent challenge in his eyes makes both Hinata and Kageyama nod. His towering figure looming over Hinata makes it all the more intimidating.

“And Daichi will be especially happy to see us working and flourishing together as one big family, wouldn’t you agree?”

The two men couldn’t nod faster.

“Good.” Kuroo pats their back again. “Play nice.”

Waiting until the manager walks out of hearing range, Kageyama gives Hinata a pointed look. “Listen up moron, I'm not going to throw my reputation down the drain in front of my boss and Daichi just because some dimwit doesn't know how to do his job correctly."

Hinata grits his teeth. The two-faced, no-good, jer—

“Grab your laptop and come to my desk. I’ll take a look at your dumb report.”

A truce.

Okay, he takes it all back. Maybe this guy’s not all that bad.

Wait.

"Why don’t you come to my desk?" Hinata asks.

Kageyama gives him an incredulous look. "Because we're already on my floor so why the hell do I need to go to the 23rd? This is your problem anyway."

"Caused by your data!"

"Just…" Kageyama takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He rubs the bridge of his nose before brushing back his bangs, revealing a weirdly alluring forehead. "Just, come. Okay? Let me see what I can do."

Maybe it’s the way Kageyama finally pulls back. Not giving in, but receding for now to let things cool before both their hotheads steam up again. Maybe it’s also how he decides to lower his voice, as an attempt for cease-fire. It sounds smoother, low and solid, and eases Hinata’s defenses down.

Realizing that he still hasn’t replied, Hinata clears his throat. "Fine, give me fifteen minutes."

Kageyama raises his eyebrows. "It takes you that long to get up there?”

His personality is as horrid as that sweater-vest of his.

---

In all honesty, if it wasn't for his serious lack of charm, Hinata would've thought Kageyama as a slightly-above-average looking guy. He's decently-built, no doubt smart, and has a pretty face to boot (when it's not scrunched in negativity). Brown eyes are so common here so it's refreshing to see a person with blue ones.

Hinata first discovers them when they sit together to look at his broken report. Kageyama’s focusing on the screen in front of him, concentration level up 110%. He’s seated tightly against his desk, hands on mouse and keyboard moving ever so swiftly to navigate around the computer. Like a machine, he processes the report methodically and Hinata…well Hinata’s eyes explore the office setting.

And then at Kageyama. He’s currently addressing him about something, but Hinata doesn’t really listen because he realises that Kageyama’s eyes are not black but in fact a dark shade of blue. It’s hard to tell, what with the man glaring at you half the time.

“Are you even listening?”

“Your eyes are blue.”

This puts a stop to Kageyama’s scowling. He straightens up and looks back to the screen, muttering, “What of it?”

Hinata shakes his head in defence. “No I mean, I just think that’s cool. They’re so dark and…” He leans in closer to get a better look. The colour is so deep that Hinata’s mistaken them for black, to his shame, and Hinata finds Kageyama’s eyes are so intense that—

“It’s nice,” he says.

Kageyama visibly swallows. “Nice.”

Hinata nods with a smile. “They’re a nice colour.”

They find out what went wrong with the report that day. It’s neither Kageyama’s data nor Hinata’s report that is that the cause but some data-transfer issue that becomes too technical for them to solve. Surprisingly, Kageyama offers to help Hinata find the right contact and email them.

And that’s how Kageyama stumbles across the 400+ unread emails buried in Hinata’s inbox. He calls it a wrongdoing, uncivilized, an absolute abomination, and Hinata should be ashamed of himself for letting the situation get this far. Hinata in turn has no idea what’s so wrong about it until he seems Kageyama’s pristine clean mailbox.

That day is when Hinata learns of how diligent Kageyama is. How he makes sure to meticulously file his emails into folders structured in a hierarchal fashion, how he has 0 draft emails while Hinata has more than 10 because he isn’t all that great at finishing emails and he often forgets.

Kageyama’s desktop is a mirror of his inbox—clear and simple with only three icons to select on. His folders are neatly organized and easy to navigate around. His sticky notes line perfectly against each other, same width same height, and not a pixel disproportionate.

It’s all kind of endearing, really.

That and the fact Kageyama goes nuts over Hinata’s own desktop, filled with documents and software—some misnamed, some just having the default Untitled, and some with the asdf name. That one particular text file with the name asdfdsasdfasdafdasd is certainly one that drives Kageyama insane. He calls it a calamity waiting to happen.

Hinata likes to call it organized chaos.

Kageyama refuses to let it go, even a few days later, when Hinata emails him again with some work-related questions, and he lords over Hinata’s improper use of the signature block. Until this point of time, Hinata wasn’t even aware that it was actually a thing—isn’t your name enough to let someone know who sent the message?

Kageyama, Tobio [11:39 AM] It’s to show which team you’re in and your credibility.

Hinata, Shouyou [11:40 AM] ok fine team i get the credibility part i don’t what i work on reflects that

Kageyama, Tobio [11:43 AM] It’s also just corporate etiquette. It’s good to let people know who they’re speaking to.

Hinata, Shouyou [11:44 AM] ha u know im way past corp etiquette and they can find out who i am when they talk to me why give them something to put a box around me?

Kageyama doesn’t reply after that. Nevertheless Hinata takes what is advised and constructs an email signature. He might as well be half-civilized in the corporate world. Kageyama better be happy.

Their interactions are sporadic. Even though Kuroo’s team is now an extension of Daichi’s crew, it’s decided that it’s best not relocate everyone. At first, Hinata reaches out when he needs help, for purely work-things. Eventually, he gets used to the idea of bothering the snappy man because no matter how annoying he knows he’s being, Kageyama always answers.

Kenma is a victim of Hinata’s scattered attention. He tolerates Hinata with the Skype chats and over-the-desk conversations and by tolerate, it means half-listening and sometimes entertaining a response if he feels like it. The other guys on the team is more willing to join in, Nishinoya throwing in words of wisdom while Tanaka writes a book about it.

But Kageyama—Kageyama listens. He yells and questions and replies in way that makes Hinata want to talk with him more. His perfect grammar and formal wordings is as infuriating as it is charming. Never is a chat-window more of a juxtaposition than seen before. Kageyama is a big nerd and he can’t deny it.

Especially with that atrocious sweater-vest.

Hinata tells him what he needs to hear.

Kageyama, Tobio [3:11 PM] What’s wrong with it? Does it have a hole in the back?

Hinata, Shouyou [3:12 PM] r u joking it’s something my great granddad would’ve worn doesn’t go well with your skin

Kageyama, Tobio [3:14 PM] i don’t say anything about your bowtie

Hinata, Shouyou [3:15 PM] whats wrong with my bowtie?!?!!

Kageyama, Tobio [3:23 PM] It’s distracting.

He doesn’t elaborate afterwards. In fact, Kageyama goes offline for the next hour. Worried, Hinata goes to the restroom to check on his bowtie. Is it crooked? Tied unevenly? Does it clash with his shirt? He’s had the idea of developing a statement about his person in the office and his statement is his bowties.

He plans to ask just what about them offends Kageyama on a call they’d setup to talk over some project. Shimizu informs Hinata of an upcoming proposal that Daichi wants to explore next year. Apparently this project will heavily involve Kuroo’s team, Kageyama’s area of expertise in particular. They might as well start that conversation early so Hinata books a meeting call.

When he hears the beep of someone joining the line, Hinata opens his mouth to greet the person until he’s stopped short.

“Hello, it’s Kageyama.”

Oh.

Oh no.

A warm shiver runs down his back before rising up to the top of his head. Smooth, sultry, and rich is all he hears. It’s like creamy milk chocolate running smoothly down your throat, warming the rest of your body. It’s the afternoon sun on a calm autumn day, the quiet hum of a fire, the lullaby sung gently into your ears.

The sound of Kageyama’s husky voice is a surprise and it does things to Hinata’s heart.

“Hello?”

“Oh, hi yes!” He hopes Kageyama cannot hear the breathlessness in his voice.

Hinata grips the phone hard during the entire call. He attentively listens to Kageyama’s lull, finding a rhythm to his voice. He sounds so different over the phone—calmer, at ease. Definitely doesn’t have that same bite when he’s in your face all the time. There’s a solidity to his tone, confident and so sure of himself in the best way. It mirrors the way he writes.

He likes that solidity.

Kageyama starts sharing his screen with Hinata, something about wanting to share a PowerPoint deck. Kageyama can share any sort of deck with h—

Hinata stops. He stops right there before it goes any farther.

He clears his throat long and hard, puffing out a harsh breath as if to expel all wicked thoughts. Kageyama is a decent-looking guy, but just that. Just your regular, average-built man with a less-than-average fashion sense.

“Something wrong?”

“Nothing,” squeaks Hinata.

“Can you send me the file again? I want to have a comparison.”

Look at him, sweating over some man’s voice while said man is working hard and serious on the other side of the phone. Hinata needs to pull it together.

He sends the file over Skype, watching as his profile picture pop up on Kageyama’s desktop and grimacing.

“I really need to change my photo,” he says.

Kageyama clicks his tongue over the phone, casually adding, “I think you’re fine.”

Hinata’s heart skips a beat.

Oh no.

---

a/n: if you think those last 2 lines said over the phone was made up, think again. :)

[himeryuukinka]

[ LFRP ] Ane - ( Balmung, Crystal DC )

❝ there is a muchness about you. I wonder... what I must do to have such muchness in myself..? ❞

🔓-- A lock icon denotes the presence of an additional something significant to be discovered only via roleplay. The more locks there are, the harder it will be to learn! Build a relationship with her to discover these secrets she keeps to herself. 

This LFRP post is specifically for her geomancer verse. Check over here for access to the LFRP post for her canon verse. I can play both/either on Balmung/Crystal as necessary!

❀ General Information ––– -

Name: “Ane.” 🔓 🔓 🔓 Epithet: Of the Weeping Waters. Gender: Cisgender female. Age: 28. Race: Au Ra (Raen.) Birthplace: Yama, Othard. 🔓 Current Residence: The Itomori Shrine, Doma. Relationship Status: Single. Sexual Orientation: Demisexual. Occupation: Yaman geomancer.

❀ Physical Appearance ––– -

Hair: Incredibly long. Straightened with a hot metal comb. Typically worn loose with some hair elegantly looped and bound just above her shoulders, framing her face. Seldom changes style. Looks to be all warm black. 🔓🔓 Eyes: Warm grey. Clouded by cataracts. Somber. Height: 4 fm 8 im. Distinguishing Marks: Rounded, soft scales reminiscent of a koi’s. Geomantic circles tattoo’d on her palms, the bottoms of her feet, and upper back. 🔓 🔓 🔓 Common Accessories: Ornately patterned silver bands in the front two strands of her hair. Brass bangles around her wrists and ankles decorated with suzu bells that remain curiously silent even when shaken. 🔓 

❀ Personality & Tidbits ––– -

A solemn young geomancer hailing from the seaside village of Yama. Her sad and serious air lend her presence a degree of mystery, and her lifelong practice of tempering her emotions makes it harder still to know how she actually feels. Having dedicated all her years to her people’s form of geomancy, Ane thinks herself ill-suited for anything else, and so her entire sense of identity has become tangled up in the magicks that she wields. She believes that she exists for the sole purpose of using geomancy to help the people around her, leading the young woman to quickly throw herself headlong into danger without a moment’s hesitation so long as it is for the sake of someone else. 

Talents: Yaman geomancy. Weaknesses: Physical/close quarters combat. Unable to use offensive magicks entirely. Kindness directed at her. Virtues: Dutiful. Genuine. Tender-hearted. Gentle. Curious. Thoughtful. Meticulous. Flaws: Naive. Perfectionist. Reckless. Overextending. Emotionally clumsy. Silently self-destructive. Has difficulty detecting sarcasm and understanding certain idioms and forms of humor. Spiritual Views: Reverence for the Dawn Father. Respect and recognition for the kami. Hobbies: Cooking, though really only skilled in Far Eastern cuisines. Ikebana. Tending to the shrine’s grounds. Fears: Isolation. Being forgotten. Dying before she can train new geomancers. Temperament: Melancholic. Alignment: Neutral Good.

❀ Yaman Geomancy ––– - 🔓/🔓🔓

I thought this topic could use its own brief section as her clan’s form of geomancy is not the same as the geomancy seen widespread in the Far East, as well as having some very specific elements tailored to her personal use of it. Those characters who are well-learned geomancers have the potential to recognize her as specifically from Yama so long as we discuss it ahead of time, and those who are familiar with geomancy or nature-based magicks may be able to reason out what she uses but not where she is from -- or why her geomancy differs from the more common forms. As with everything, I am happy and willing to discuss IC arcane knowledge, but do please run it by me ahead of time. Her clan was very secretive concerning its branch of geomancy, and while not at all closed to visits from the outside world, this art is absolutely not common knowledge! Please take this information as OOC reference for how this magic works rather than IC knowledge! Thank you!

Magic Family: Geomancy. Tools: Sacred paper talismans. Arcane ink carried in blessed brass pots. Brushes. A single heavy, enchanted bell inspired by bianzhong. Rounded stones of various sizes and weights. Strengths: Magic cancelling through elemental balancing. Barriers. Weaknesses: No way to counter physical weapons or unarmed physical strikes. Lengthy barrier preparation. Entirely a supportive and defensive art. General Overview: An ancient branch of geomancy thought dead by many. Rather than drawing only from the elements of wind, water, and earth, Yaman geomancy draws also from fire. It has never been intended as an offensive art and cannot be conjured as a weapon in battle. Instead, it revolves entirely around elemental balancing -- aether of one element is met with an equal force and amount of its opposing element, effectively cancelling out harmful magicks entirely. A delicate art with a lot of room for error, it requires years upon years of practice to master as it requires a great deal of concentration; those sensitive to aether may display a natural gift for it, as they can more easily sense how much oomph to give a particular counterspell. Failing to meet an elemental force with a sufficient counterforce can result in the spell connecting without real issue (too little) or wounding the geomancer in the process with an unstable aetheric burst (too much.) Though, like its Doman and Hingan counterparts, Yaman geomancy still relies heavily on comparable channeling methods -- that is, the combined use of an enchanted bell and glyphs to summon a specific element or combination of elements. It is more reliant on physical totems, though, and so Yaman geomancers would carry paper talismans upon which to write what they required in combat. Ane’s Geomancy: Where hers differs is how she channels it, but I prefer to keep the specific details for roleplay discovery! 🔓🔓

❀ Traits ––– -

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious / Spirited

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between / Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Loyal / In Between / Disloyal

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

❀ Additional information ––– –

Smoking Habit: Never. Drugs: No. Alcohol: Very rarely. Surprisingly good at holding her liquor.

❀ Hooks ––– -

Region-specific connections. Asterisks (*) for options open only through discussion with me beforehand.

❀ The Village of Yama* - The once-proud seat to an ancient form of geomancy now all but lost to the world in the wake of its destruction at the hands of the Empire. Villagers who Ane may have known prior to the deaths of most everyone on the Shore of the Blue Lily are a welcome connection. There is potential for other survivors apart from Ane and the small group of children she managed to save, though know that all other geomancers perished in the attack, whether by their own lack of experience or their remaining behind to cover the retreat of those who tried to escape, and so any Yaman geomancer characters would be strictly past connections only. 🔓 ❀ Doma, a Wartorn Nation - Doma is the nation that most often saw secret services rendered by Yama’s geomancers, and Ane continues to honor that as the village’s sole arcane successor. She spent much of her formative years traveling the length and breadth of Yanxia to better understand its people and their plight with the Empire, and so there is plenty of opportunity for Doman characters to either recognize her personally (had they met while they were both younger) or to have a suspicion about her duty as a geomancer. Doman characters have lots of avenues open to them, considering she has lived among them since the ruination of Yama!  ❀ The Island Nation of Hingashi - Similar to Doma, Ane sometimes travels to Kugane when necessary. While not a place she frequents, the potential is there -- but do not be surprised if she initially regards Hingan geomancers with distance and dislike. She does not take kindly to charlatans using her beloved art to take advantage of the desperate, and there’s no shortage of such people in the port city to fuel her suspicions.

General roleplay connections. Asterisks (*) for options open only through discussion with me beforehand.

❀ A Hidden World of Geomancy* - Other geomancers, particularly those native to the continent of Othard, would likely have intimate knowledge of Yama and its people, and Ane would be more likely to trust them implicitly with certain facts than with those outside this arcane circle. I like to think of geomancy as having something like a support and information network unique to its practitioners; geomancer connections have the potential to know things about Ane that others would not! 🔓 ❀ Those looking for stationary arcane wards. - Not too unlike the magicks employed by the scholars of Nym, Yaman geomancy involves the enchantment and careful placement of keystones around a structure or area to shield it from attack or approach. If your character is in need of long-term wards for their home or business, Ane will oblige. ❀ Those seeking someone to accompany them with mobile wards. - Far trickier and taxing to employ than stationary wards but certainly not impossible. Ane wishes to help as many people as possible, and so if you’ve a character looking for some extra protection on an adventure or dangerous foray into the unknown, she’s not one to turn down a request for aid. ❀ Those in need of elemental protection. - Perhaps Ane’s greatest skill. She’s more than willing to help keep people safe by way of her clan’s geomancy; those venturing forth into an intensely aspected dungeon or region could certainly benefit from her magicks! ❀ Generally, those looking to fight for those too weak or beaten down to fight for themselves. - Often branded as a goody-goody by her guardian, Ane is quick to help those in need -- and often without a thought for the effect it could have on her. She will mesh easily with characters of similar values and morality and struggle with those who do not. But that being said... ❀ Enemies and rivals who might challenge her beliefs or give her trouble are absolutely welcome. - Conflict has excellent potential to build characterization, and I am all about that! So if you play a more evil or chaotic-aligned character, please don’t be be afraid to come push her buttons. ❀ And of course, friendships. - I’m always down for great platonic relationships, especially those that grow into familial affection. ❀ Thought of something not listed here? - Drop me a line so we can talk about it! While typically centered in the Far East, I already know of ways and reasons she would be in Eorzea -- so if your character does not frequent any of the places she spends most of her time, we can easily fix that!

❀ OOC Information ––– -

Genres: I am not particularly genre picky; I gravitate most towards those scenarios that may result in interesting, long-term character development -- and hopefully for both/all parties! I am a sucker for angst with purpose, though I do also love fluff and slice of life scenarios. So long as the scene doesn’t run out of steam or feel strained/stressed, I am a happy bean. Playstyle: I am... not very skilled when it comes to in-game roleplay. I prefer to connect one on one or in very small groups (no more than five people) so I can put my all into making certain my replies are timely, tidy, and... well, good. I prefer to write on something like tumblr or Discord, but I can do my best to make in-game work! Length: I’m someone who leans most towards a paragraph at the absolute minimum, but I can produce pages if we’re roleplaying on tumblr or Discord. Server: Balmung for roleplay/visiting with in-game friends, though my PvE main is over on Ultros. Both characters are available under the name Ane Borel. Timezone: CST. Availability: In-game: most of the time, so long as you give me a ping and ask if I can hop on! Discord: Much of the same! Please do be aware, though, that this is subject to change as I’m interviewing for some jobs and my schedule won’t be so free in the future. I’ll update this post when necessary. Contact Information: Obviously you can contact me here! This is a sideblog to my main over at @sunlitpeony, where you can also message me, and then I can give my Discord out upon request/interest.

{ banner art by: the-xaotician }

[fadeintocase]

I’m not fucking around anymore day 5

5-25-18 - 5-26-18

Was tracking some stuff late and got a bit caught up in some things so i didn't get the opportunity to write one of these last night.

but! I did get to try out an app my friend @revolutionaryduelist reccomended me. It's called fabulous and so far it's living up to its name, but it may just be my optimism for self improvement... or someone else's seeping into mine.

But lets talk about self improvement apps, and the actual point of them.

Got my morning routine solid yesterday, but didn't exercise. Tried something new this morning, an app i'm going to get into a bit more later. I'm thinking of taking some of the pressure off to follow my old routine and try refreshing things a bit. Still keeping all the principles, but trying to find a new way to arrange them.

I got some work done, about as much as I was expecting, though it took longer to get to it.

My night routine, i got half through, fucked up, and got back to later after many a distraction. I am fallible. Lets see how today goes. I'm about to head out to the farmers market. But first!

Take some stuff off your mind

You'll often hear that phones and technology are distracting. You might be in the camp of "ok i'm gonna get this app and it's gonna fix my life" or the camp of "you can't just expect some pretty looking app to fix your life, you have to do the work."

Here's the thing though, building good habits is a lot of work? getting to a place where your perspective is different takes quite the journey sometimes. And this is a very fast moving and very cluttered reality we live in compared to the life before smartphones. Its hard to put your mental and physical energy into what you want to do if you're so concerned with keeping up with everything else.

But! You are the other half of this equation. If you are still submitting to bad habits and time-sinks, none of this will help. These are tools you need a mindset to use, not a crutch for a lack of one.

Bad apps

Social media is great. I get a lot of laughs from twitter and tumblr. I took them off my phone. If you're away from your laptop, you won't get distracted from your tasks by checking social media sites. your friends can IM you, you will be far from isolated, you still have the literal rest of the internet, and these gaps will only last as long as you're away from yout computer. That detachment will free up so much mental energy if you can get through the first week of checking your phone and shit not being there.

Stuff like youtube or netflix are great for leaving on background noise i can half tune into while working on non-music. Those i also took off my phone, so I don't get caught up watching 20 10-minute videos on youtube on the toilet, or 2-3 episodes of a show while in bed.

Productivity Apps.

So you gotta keep track of a lot of stuff to break your own programmed cycles and habits.

Pomodoros - Clocking Work : If you're a freelancer who has to work your own hours, you've probably tried out pomodoro before. If you haven't, it's a really simple productivity method. You sit down and work for 25 minutes, get up and break for 5, repeat 4 times and take a longer break on the 4th. The times are variable, and you can find what works better for you. I use it for longer, sit-down focused work. It ensures you're switching tasks just enough to keep your mind focused, but not enough to overwhelm you, and most encourage you to do something physical during breaks so you're not getting stiff. I use the app Flat Tomato as my pomodoro timer. Helps me track how much i've done each day, too!

Habitica - Checklists : This is a checklist app with an RPG interface. Really. It's pretty cool. You have habits, which are + or - points, dailies, which you have to do every day or else you loose health, or to-dos, which give you points when you complete them. You can group stuff into tags to sort if you have a lot of daily tasks. I have morning and night tags where i can just narrow down to my extensive list of thigns i check off. And the items, pets, and weapons and party system is just a cute quirk.

Fabulous - Self Improvment: Speaking of cute quirks and routines, this app here is all about it. So much so that i'm changing up my morning and night routines to see how following it better helps my situation. It's another element of novelty i need to keep clmimbing i suppose. This app is geared toward exactly what I want to do. To structure your routines and activity to make things efficient and less stressful, to do stuff that make you mentally and physically healthier. Not only that, it's chock full of "scientifically proven most effecient x" kinda stuff. Exercise routines, breath work, a lot of other suggestions. It's pretty much what i'm all about and I'll probably talking about this a lot. The interface is also adorable and calming. Thanks, Taz!

Calm - Meditation : This is a meditation app and my favorite personally? It has guided meditations. If that's too much for you, it has timers with bells. If that's not enough for you, it has a breath cycle timer to do instead of meditating. It also has bedtime stories and a lot of calming background noises. If you don't have some isolated woods to go out and meditate in, apps like this are a good option.

VGFIT Yoga : The best yoga app I've seen. Has some 15-20 minute yoga classes with different goals and levels of difficulty. I'm still on flexible beginner but I aint trying to be a gymnast so I'll stay where i'm comfortable.

Lifesum - Meal trackers: Making sure you're eating right is important. Apps like these have stuff to scan barcodes to track stuff easier too! I actually don't use these, because being meticulous about eating habits is somethin i like to keep full control over. you will never get me to eat breakfast, apps. Never. Bulletproof coffee or nothing.

I tried to mention apps that sync up with apple's Health API, which I like because i can track so much stuff about where i'm at.

I aint got videos you guys can go look up some apps instead.

[theumbrelladiagnosisgirl]

Diaries of the Anxiety Queen

Dear Anyone Who Is Listening....

When I'm around somebody that I haven't had the opportunity to quietly observe from the background of a group for AT LEAST two or three days, I CANNOT function like a normal person.

Whenever ANYONE I'm unfamiliar with speaks to me in a way that suggests any sort of response is required from me, or I get even the slightest hint that any conversation is about to form between us, I freak. First, my lips start to quiver, making any and all normal words and phrases sound like a jumbled mess of baby noises. Then, of course, my legs turn to Jello. Making me lose my sense of balance. Stumbling and sputtering? Yes, slap the AA meeting lists right there in my hand.. I SWEAR IM FUCKING SOBER

All in all, my body completely ceases to function. My brain forgets to tell my lungs how to inhale and exhale, which leaves me with gagged, rapid and sharp hyperventilating breaths. My heart is pounding and everyone is looking at me!

Wait a minute....

Is everyone looking at me? Maybe they aren't and its just my mind tricking me into thinking they are, that's part of anxiety isn't it? Feeling like the room is closing in and everyone is looking at you like you're naked or something? Oh God, I'm paranoid now!? Why is that woman giving me a dirty look. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER! I haven't said or done anything to these people yet here they all are staring at me like I've disrespected their mothers! I have to get the hell out of here. Screw the groceries! We don't need toilet paper either! I'm sure there's still half a roll on the nightstand from the last time I had a panic attack and curled up in a ball on the bedroom floor awaiting my death...

I get it! I look like a psycho. You can't tell if I'm drunk, on drugs or both. The horrible part is its neither. I'm sure if I was on something this would be a lot more fun!

Now I know what you might be thinking. Why not go on antianxiety medication? No. I have been on mood stabilizers, antidepressants, ADHD meds, you name it. Yet, though anxiety is the biggest obstacle I face on a daily I have yet to be prescribed any. I've received certain ones on a trial basis at crisis units or psych hospitals, but I never felt right on them. In my opinion, they calm me too much. It stops that part of my anxiety that I've sort of developed a love-hate relationship with. Over-thinking. Yep, that's right, I said it. Sometimes I ENJOY it! Breaking apart everything I want to say or do, have said and done, or will say and do to analyze it meticulously over and over and over again. Yes, it holds me back and gives me headaches and chips my already overly ground teeth, but it also gives me a sense of control. I love being in control... I mean I REALLY love being in control.

The downsides of this are, that; 1, I'm pretty sure its completely obvious to everyone around me, so I just seem timid, hesitant, indecisive or even ignorant. 2, It definitely hold me back. Some of the most beautiful moments in life cant be planned and calculated, and I wonder if my fondness off being in control I holding me back from the wonderful experience of, oh, I don't know... ACTUALLY LIVING. 3, The worst part, I know its a lie. It feels great in the moment but its a false sense of control. Which can actually be extremely dangerous.

 Not like it matters anyway. No matter how many times I go over and over each scenario and the possible outcomes of a situation I still manage to screw up the calculations of what the most desirable outcome would be (because along with not being able to act like a normal person, when I'm having an anxiety attack I'm apparently also unable to think and apply logic and basic social skills and reason like a normal person) and thus, I end up making an ass of myself and anyone who dared to say they came to the party with me, or the lunch date or the movies... Whatever, you get it.

[readfelice-blog]

moominland chronicles dreizehn :: copycat

Its Friday, im on an u bahn, but it's sunday for you and who knows where you are..

There's a lot of babies on this u bahn, im counting about 6 right now, baby bahn: maybe there's some baby convention in wedding.

Quick round up: i'm still a girl from hackney (via suffolk) who says no, I've been grappling with my camel toe this week, singing sad songs, playing like a child on a xylophone (except insert midi on ableton here), not listening to much other than myself, it's a big gushing flow of creativity that surrounds me in this little yellow house, i dont think ive really given pause to being lonely.

It's all happening.

So lets back track a bit because right now i am compelled to readdress this copying thing, one of my favourite tweeters this week called out kanye west for lifting a design he created some years back, its right to name and shame, so good on him. He was small fry when he made the thing that someone else stole, still bigger than teeny weeny me, but not the tweeting guru /design wizard to music's brightest stars, that he is now.

It’s the most wholesome wonderful, transcendent thing, making stuff, for yourself and for the world, tapping into certain disciplines to funnel thoughts, feelings and the energy that surrounds you. I wouldn’t have myself any other way, I’m assuming aforementioned tweeter is probably the same. But there is this underlying paranoia and anxiety involved in the process, for me anyway, as previously stated: this irrational fear that you’ll be consumed by someone hungrier and at a higher advantage. I hate the deep ocean now, post mermaid project, but this whole conundrum draws me back to that place, to marine snow, a concoction of dead animals / shit / ‘organic matter’ that continuously falls and sustains the ungodly freaks that live below it. That’s the natural world, that’s life.

You see I have really good ideas, there's no shame in knowing this, I can tell when theyre good because I start to tingle in my mind and then the tingling soniferously journeys across my body, its a drug of its own kind. But that high is short lived, its only when you make it a reality that the truly ecstatic pulses start to shoot through you, and to get that done frequently means a drawn out and meticulous process of invention.

I can see the influence i bestow on others, it used to be exciting and life affirming, but then things started taking longer to compose and thats when it became more of a burden, I’m not yet at a point where im synonymous with my work, there's still room for someone to rock into my life, unwittingly lift all my influences, cobble together a creative endeavour that feeds off of mine and then get recognised for it. Thereby i become the one shadowing them and then I fade into the ether, because no one wants the leftovers.

But it has dawned on me that this bleak and resolute ending to my artistic life might not have to be the catastrophe it so viciously insinuates itself to be. Maybe I can premier a facet of an idea earlier, maybe it will mean others might follow, though I bloody hope they won’t, but maybe it won’t mean that when in November Bocem Acht Ocho is ready for the world, it will not be swept aside by waves of mimickers, maybe I’m being a bit to paranoid and just need to calm down. I can’t just give birth to and store up all these big plans in this little house and not let them free. This little yellow house will become a zoo, I’m not a trained zookeeper, it’s just not sensible.

When one idea is set free another grows.. I have had more than one good idea since birth, some of them have not been properly attended to, that film i made in the basement is currently languishing on a hard drive stowed away in the moons cupboard in london  /  there's the gorgeously detailed illustrations of wild shows that have never seen the light of day / i have a bric a brac shop of concepts just stewing away in my brain cupboard. It took darren aronofsky nearly 10 years to get black swan made, the sagrada familia is still being built 136 years after it was started, Brahms first symphony took over 20 years to create, there's still time.

Because its not just the idea, its my mind that is the precious entity in this scenario, which these days in Berlin is totally free and unrestrained by societal norms. I’m allowed to be a weirdo now, because nearly everyone else is as well.

And you know what, I am almost certainly derivative myself, because we live in a time where the anals of what has come before us are vast and spread thickly like butter on warm bread: across the channels of information we spend a large portion of our days on. I’m copying other people, inadvertently, I call it signs rather than the c word, but I’ve stood with myself in my little yellow bathroom this week gazing at my reflection and leafed through aspects of my current state that might be borrowed, polished and given light in a different way > there are several. Though i work intuitively our unconscious is a vast web of entertained moments we draw from, even to the point where i dont realise I've previously ingested something because I wasnt paying it full attention at the time, but it got stored anyway.

So this project has a dual aspect, because the way im delivering it is going to correlate with a technique I’m also using to upend how im being treated as a cleaner. This incorporates actively marrying all the strands in my life together: to find a better path in terms of reimbursement and security. As technically I’m still an impoverished cleaner, i need money; so I’m doing the cleaning rerouting before I release my publication and album.

I just have to do it, let it free , and recline and say to myself, fuck it, the power at the heart of what I’m making lies in its authenticity, in the quality of the delivery and content of the delivered objects. If someone else copies me and both of us manage to lift ourselves out of the cycle of servitude, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

It's the circle of life, it's something I’ll probably be jousting with for the rest of my days, so better get used to it I guess.

Big Fish

Little Fish

Cardboard Box

Righty, off to clean a house full of paintings now, then laugh at myself on ableton, best to keep it light and bright. Don't take things to seriously.

Righty part zwei, I’m editing this on Sunday, I’m flying to Paris tomorrow morning, but laughing at myself on ableton still beckons.

Big Fish

Little Fish

Cardboard Box