#and i still dont know shit abt it and tbh i cant make sense of it

[arolesbianism]

Tiphereth suppression finally complete babeyyyy

[crguang]

Okay sat, I might’ve forgotten to my anon mark at the end of my last message aand I’ve reread part 4 like 5 times, but still, 

what the fuck, literally was thinking abt it in all my classes. And I will be yapping, as I guessed.

First of all, fuck Kafka really wish I was tbh she is so annoying, like just assuming r isn’t that upset, like they’re just having a little argument when r is grappling w the fact that they fell for a criminal, and literally killed their coworkers and a ton of other people, she is pissing me off. Also the stuff abt Kafka and her nihilism…giving me some thoughts. Btw have himeko and Kafka encountered each other in this, or has Himeko just heard abt her? And shes so nice, calling r everyday and being so understanding…

I can’t imagine what Kafka did when she found out she got blocked. Her going to text u and then realizing she’s blocked…kafka pausing when she sees that r blocked her. Kafka waiting to get unblocked as she orders gifts for u, who keeps checking her phone for messages from u as she sends more gifts, reminiscing abt when your first met in the store, silver wolf and blade noticing how Kafka seems to be waiting for smth, Kafka who decides to text you on an encrypted number to see how you’re doing, Kafka who sees that she isn’t forgiven and orders so many fucking flowers bc she didn’t know ur favorite. Ugh I can imagine her bringing all of them into r’s house, god she’s pathetic, I need to kiss her so bad so she shuts the fuck up.

anyway I may or may not have started writing a Kafka fic 👀 tbh I don’t rlly read romance novels so idk how the typical academic rivals thing usually works, trope wise. For some reason I keep fixating on her fucking nails. Like to me, she has them manicured all fancy, but Im fairly certain shorter not manicured nails are better for fingering. On her violin ofc, obviously. I played cello middle and high school, and I kept them long, bc I liked scratching people don’t ask I was a strange kid, but I feel like she’d keep them short bc she’s rlly serious abt it. Also Kafka is so dislikable, her ego is so big, and she’s always calm, like if she didn’t look like she was trying and still top of the class it’d piss me off too 😭

Also in the wardence event rn, I haven’t played it bc I’ve been sleeping or smth like that, but silver wolf shows up 😭 like ik it makes the most sense, since she has holograms but Kafka showed up as a hologram once ok 😭 but what silver said is like “i heard u we’re joining the wardence, and two whose names I won’t mention insisted I go check on you. Why couldn’t they do it themselves.” Ugh Kafka is so obvious it’s actually gonna kill me. And yes wtf couldn’t Kafka have showed up, she’s worth like 11 billion, so ik she can’t show up all the but cmon. 

-🌠

hehfjfjgjfjfj posting a new chapter and having ppl go “man fuck kafka” is funny as hell because honestly, yeah, fuck her😭 i think it was important for me to portray how her personality can be irritating in certain contexts and how being with her really wouldn’t be bliss all the time cause she doesn’t deal with emotions much, and that includes others’. she’s not totally detached from them which is why she does try but it’s very clumsy. it’ll be elaborated on in the next part but in her mind she really has picked the best outcome here and even if she was acting in her own interest, she was protecting R, she’s just an information hoarder. being on the opposite side means you dont know wtf is going on in her head and cant explain her behavior as anything else but “she doesn’t give a shit about me”. it’s an interesting situation to write that’s for sure but im glad that her efforts, though genuine, make yall feel irritated bc thats the point hehe

what i wrote about kafka’s nihilism was not entirely true, and i did it on purpose because R doesn’t know her. i do think that nihilism/finality creates a certain distance between her and accountability. when you tell yourself that this outcome was always a possibility, that it could have happened anyway, the choice you make is no longer fully yours which means that the consequences aren’t fully on your shoulders as well. i think that makes it easier for the stellaron hunters to do what they do, that and the goal they’re working towards that is supposedly the best outcome for humanity. but kafka is anything but passive. she is not “subjected” to things, she has an active role in her future and the ones of the millions of people that it touches within the constraints of destiny. i think with nihilism it’s easy to fall into a state of learned helplessness, where you suffer through the things happening to you because “nothing matters” and “it was going to happen anyway”, but kafka is not like that at all. “if destiny doesn’t propel me forward, i’ll be the one to push destiny”— this is what she does, so describing her as a drop in the ocean isnt entirely accurate because she’s making waves. R will learn that

himeko and kafka have crossed paths canonically before the trailblazer so it’s the same in this. i like that himeko has an opinion of kafka that has been cemented through their brief meetings over the time. in that one “keeping up with star rail” where kafka’s kit is presented, hime has a lot of shit to say about her 😭 all bad. she’s also aware that kafka plays mind games in it so really for her to hear “kafka manipulated me” was like “fork found in kitchen” there’s no surprise there. one of my favorite qualities in hime is her understanding and ability to understand multiple perspectives at once, it develops her already deep empathy and its just very admirable. shes a very soft character, i love her

AND YESSSSS SHE DEFINITELY REACTED LIKE THAT TO BEING BLOCKED HDJFJFKKG she stared at her phone like “oh. they’re really mad” and decided to give them a few days to cool off which is why she sent the first gift and after that she’d be wondering whether to text you or not for like a week; would open her phone, type in your number, pause for ten seconds then go “they’re probably still upset” and send another gift. silver wolf would be like “damn youre on your phone as often as i am. whats wrong with you” and firefly’s eventually the one telling her to go there herself to apologize and not wtv tf shes doing which is why kafka finally texts 😭 shes funny asf. the sheer ridiculousness of ordering hundreds of flowers and taking over half an hour to place them inside your apartment (that she technically broke into) to surprise you is so patheticcccc i would have swooned a bit im sorry. like omg youre pathetic get out of my house but also kiss me before you go… “forget it i’ll just get all of them” can she die 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

aaaaa im glad you have time to write the academic rivals au!! typically people have the rivals work together in some sort of assigned group project to force them to interact together but you can go about it differently, like one of them’s practicing for a big piece and the other gets to the practice room too late but but the others are taken and they have to practice the same thing anyway so might as well. or the mc is struggling and kafka happens to pass by and give her some (snarky) pointers which turns into her showing her how its done and the mc actually learning from her (which would make me homicidal). they could also just happen to meet outside of the school context and start developing a new relationship that way. do what feels right!! and yeah, kafka’s nonchalance makes it seem like shes effortlessly good when in reality she takes that shit seriously and practices often😭 it’d still piss me off tho idc

silver wolf showed up in the other event and its just so ridiculous how they always have her everywhere man😭 like fine she’s always keeping up with new games coming out and shit but would it kill them to show kafka once im gonna tear my hair out, we even got to text firefly during the wardance like im gonna screammmm. but kafka and her sending SW to check ip on the tb is so stupid they care so bad😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 typical of kafka not to show or text herself i need to strangle her. the lufou hates her tho so it’s WHATEVER.

[electrificata]

here are my house observations, im in season 3

some of the shit house says to foreman is genuinely unforgivable

foreman as a character i generally like. omar epps is giving a good performance of an even-keeled-but-not-without-effort kind of guy, i do like the plotline of a guy who came to learn from an expert whos the worst guy in the world and trying to figure out how to do the same thing without being the worst guy in the world. i also think they way they keep him out of hospital love triangles is racist, foreman is not currently hot but could be with 15% more attention from the writers room.

really sexist as a general rule. i have not encountered the idea of "jailbait" this much in literal years.

hipster racism. its the 2000s. funny to talk abt this because "hipsters" were younger at this point and the character of house is, im assuming, in his mid 40s at the start of the show, but thats the general logic that seems to be on display. "well you know that he's a good guy so its ironic and funny that he's threatening to use the n word as a joke."

a) stupid logic to begin with, doing something ironically is also just doing it, b) doesnt even work on its own terms here because house is widely acknowledged to be an awful person in the context. the entire show is built around the question "how much deliberately annoying, dangerous bullshit will we endure from this dickhead to maintain access to his unique skillset"

i still dont "get" house/wilson. like i do see it, like i can see that theyre a little obsessed with each other and they have a fun mutually manipulative dynamic, and they make sense as foils (guy who's self-consciously awful and often ends up doing noble things accidentally/guy who's self-consciously noble and often deliberately does awful things). but i cannot feel myself going insane about it. if anything i like him better with cuddy

cuddy really really hot. really really really hot. cuddy.

so like yeah i see house/wilson im just not going insane about it the way i thought i might. altho tbh it took a global pandemic and a extended, byzantine renaissance of tumblrina supernatural scholarship to make me have a destiel spiral. i need infrastructure for these things.

cameron's character is such an old school token girl character. i hate how they treat her "niceness" almost as much as i hate how they treat her crush on house.

a better show (written by me) would have some more cuddy and foreman "managing" house plotlines (foreman being a protege allows focus on the legacy of house's medicine, how to replicate it, how to contain damage), probably give him some of the cuddy and wilson time. the three of them together would be good i could do that.

cuddy/foreman. hm. in the remake.

like, i do get how this happened. house is troubled in a durable, interesting way. the writing is good enough to support his layers, the way his snap-judgement psychoanalysis of everyone he meets curls back around to shine a light on his own issues. good balance of competence and patheticness. laurie is giving a masterclass in the niche field of "british comedian comes to us tv drama, grows some stubble, becomes a sex symbol." i read an old review that referred to his "sourpuss charisma" i really like that turn of phrase.

(i was also into josh on the west wing when i watched that last year, i have a type i love antagonism. no im not dating anyone right now, who wants to take me for a candlelit dinner and tell me i smell good and my voice is sexy) (you cant just compliment me, ill be bored or uncomfortable, you have to bury it in a disagreement and make it clear youre kind of mad that youre into me)

that said i think the show kind of misunderstands house's sex appeal. it feels very written-by-men. women characters throw themselves at house in a porny kind of take-me-now way. in my observations guys who are arent traditionally hot but attractive in this antagonistic, talky was dont really get that kind of treatment, but they do get the main cast wilson/cuddy/cameron "i hate this guy but im obsessed with him and i will never make a move or i will and itll go badly" kind of stuff. my phantom house reboot does have cameron and house hook up and its a really mean and destructive fwb thing with like 4 false endings. does this make sense.

right now im in the middle of the plotline where leighton meester plays a 17 yr old girl stalking house because shes so in love. like thats not the vibe. at least from what ive seen. im not omniscient.

lol it turns out she has a spore makign her hypersexual lolllll i literally have this on in the background rn ok i take some of this back.

whenever i mention to someone im watching house theyll recount to me the plot of the one episode they can remember and it always sounds insane and its never made up.

"the one with the intersex teen model who fucks her dad to manipulate him and has testicular cancer" like yeah. yeah thats real. if you talked to me 3 weeks ago thatd be the one i recounted to you.

yes house does leer at her in that episode and its treated as logical and normal for a 45 year old man.

i hate chase, he's awful but boring.

im curious how long im gonna keep watching this, i know the later seasons get kind of soapy plotwise and i dont know if thats what i want out of this

[borderline-culture-is]

(Long vent that may mot be ordered right or make sense bc im tired rn)

I’m so fucking done with this life tbh. Like from the bottom of my heart. I wish i can kill myself but im too scared. Thats that damn problem though, im still forcing myself to suffer because im a coward, i cant even make ip my mind to end it. I cant get therapy, or any type of medication because my parents dont care enough to notice even tho my symptoms are very bad. and even when i become an adult, id probably not be able to. I have no dreams for the future, i have no money, nothing. ill probably have to live with them for way longer. And im still not going to be able to kms ofc, im going to live very long and THATS THE PROBLEM. I cant fucking tell snyone irl about my mental issues because im too ashamed. In fact, im so fucking embarrassed that i fake a personality everyday to make myself as perfect as possible. Everyone thinks im really nice, kind, and patient. When in fact im really a fucking shitty person who just pretends to be cool and shit. All because im too fucking embarrassed to admit im mentally ill. How could anyone like me for who i actually am?? Hell, I cant even admit im autistic, even though its nothing to be ashamed of. I just know my parents will laugh at me and id rather die than hear it from them

Im at my fucking limits everyday, and im tired all the time even if notbing even happened. I have anxiety attacks weekly for no reason at all, and no one knows. I hate being this good at masking.

I cry in my room all the time, and sometimes i have to force myself to let it out because im so numb. I hate it when im breaking down and my parents are in the kitchen laughing and enjoying themsleves like its just another day.

I feel so apathetic and nihlisitic. I have felt lonely my entire life because i cant relate to anyone. I know people only like the person they see on the surface, not the person i am inside

Ive told many people online about my issues, and i dont know if its not helping much or im too numb to feel any good emotions. But either way, ive realised that it might hurt me too. Im just normalising living this way more because im able to vent to people without actually getting any professional help. And this is just one out of the billions of unhealthy coping mechanisms i have. But i have no other choice. I need to cope somehow because i cant get treatment, and if these mechanisms dont work, i need to try harder and make myself more ill. Its not like i can be fixed anymore, so oh fucking well.

yesterday, my parents confronted me abt how i always looked tired, they asked me if i was being bullied at school. That pissed me off. Why?? Have they ever took the time to realise they maybe theyre the ones causing it?? No, i am not being bullied, and the only reason for that is my good masking skills. Do i need to get bullied to be ill enough? Am i still not bad enough for you to care??

-🌟

.

[doomzday-zone]

sighsss see like......... idk. i hink its more of a moral thing than like, having actual evidence for it. and also i think its people also giving William a lot of the benefit of the doubt, considering we dont actually see what evens death does to william thru his eyes, personally. hut still smth abt this conclusion just doesnt !!!! sit right with me !!

first even if we dont see it from williams eyes i do still think his actions can be very telling as well..? and i just cant recall any precedent being set about..... williams remorse....or guilt orrr grief or whatever? like i just don't think thats a part of him we see in the games. so when people put that onto him it just feels like.... like WHERE did this come from 🤨 ?

whereas we HAVE seen. williams egotism..... and even disregarding the stuff we get that more evidently reflects this even just looking at his actions earlier in the series yknow???? yknow????? and i think its just, more likely of a thing to...... put in that. like slot ig if that makes sense . like it makes marginally more sense to attribute his child resurrections to the ego r whatever of it than anything else.

but also its just likeeee !!! like we'll probably never really get a clear cut THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT WILLIAM AFTON THOUGHT AND FELT ABOUT THIS EVENT: (and this is excluding the books since i havent read the big novels so i cant say anything particular about his characterization there) yknow what i kean though???? well jever REALLY KNOW the kind of impact evans death had on william to the T. i can just say for certain its just really off to me......

AND. NOT TO MAKE THIS ABOUT MOVIE AFTON but i think this also proves my thoughts abt him???? like literally all of them?????? wr never ONCE see him like wracked by guilt and while we dont get an EXACT motivation for killing ppl i like .

like people r so obsessed with figuring out EXACTLY whats wrong with him and EXACTLY this and that that i think people miss the point. Severely. much like in real life its not as simple as, 'well this thing happened to them so this is why their evil!' people are EXTREMELY. EXTREMELY NUANCED AND COMPLICATED. and again WELL MIST LIKELY NEVER GET AN EXACT REASON WHY HES LIKE THIS. AND I DONT THINK WE NEED TO AND tbh i think itd probably make him less realistic and compelling.

William Afton is a serial killer, hes a serial killer who murders children. he does not need a deep psychoanalysis n whatever shit, again like REAL LIFE SERIAL KILLERS theres no looking at everything and pining smth down for sure you cant. you cant truly comprehend someone like that, theres a million possible reasons why william could be like this, and while no. i dont think he was just capital e Evil brok the day he was born the fact of the matter is we dont have enough info about him BEFORE all of this to be sure.

i think the most likely scenario is that it was a slow incline, its possible he killed small animals before this perhaps in his youth, maybe he accidentally killed someone and it pushed him even further down this path. obviously he didnt just Become this one day, it was most likely a long time coming. again: Normal Well Adjusted Individuals Dont Just Start Serial Murdering Children <3333

and like....... yea...... just. yea....... i dont think its a totally unreasonable conclusion to make. i just dont think its really correct or the Most reasonable all considering.

i just think like, obv we didnt get a true backstory for william afton, there are bits of him we just will not understand and arent relevant to the story at hand, there IS a reason why we dont see further back for him. and ik this might be hard to grasp in a fandom where 95% of everyone tries to piece everything together PERFECTLY to find the FULL TRUE 100% SOLVED answer. but thats just? not the point of fnaf, like in general? i mean if it was we would have a more conclusive timeline wouldnt we? and i just think this is also encapsulated in william afton himself.

my onion 🧅

[newtscamandersbf]

small rant on the scene of neville’s boggart and jkr in general lol

tbh sev and remus r my fav chars ijdk how to feel abt the whole boggart scene? like i dont think he shouldve humiliated sev that way, but we do need to remember that jkr is transphobic as shit unfortunately. i cant ever imagine remus as being bigoted or transphobic/queerphobic though? we still need to remember that this was the 90s, and reps/scenes such as these were common in 90s/2000s media and the years before that. this scene also very much feels like jkr simply projecting on her fav character because it very much goes against what we know of remus and sev; remus felt bad for sev, but couldnt bring himself to tell his friends to stop because he thought they would drop him. he tried to tell them to stop once, but they didn’t listen, and he never tried again. he never participated in the bullying, nor helped snape; just watched from the sidelines, as he didn’t want sev to think he was like his friends/found family but also didnt want them to think he was 'betraying' them or something.

i like to imagine many things in hp in my own version of canon, and that involves this scene; i prefer to have it be remus telling neville to imagine snape doing something very out-of-character for him, which would be funny. for example singing, or dancing, etc..

in my books (no pun intended), he only told neville to imagine severus wearing his grandma’s clothes as his 'riddikulus' because the way nev’s grandma dresses looks funny (at least from remus’ pov). and just imagining severus dressing in a way completely different from how he usually dresses is funny, not because he’s in drag. i wouldnt even rlly consider that drag? while it was likely jkr trying to make fun of drag queens i dont think that was remus’ intention (does that make sense?). i think he told him to imagine sev wearing his grandma’s clothes bc nev’s grandma admittedly dresses in a way that looks funny/weird on her as well, and imagining such a serious and all-black man such as severus wearing it would be funny because of how out-of-character that is. i might just be biased bc remus is one of my comfort characters, and i’m just delusional, but hey.

the whole boggart scene in general makes me uncomfortable as a trans and queer person, and because i view sev as trans-coded or at least queer-coded. but i also view remus as queer-coded (not only bc of the lycanthropy, it’s his general vibe and the fact jkr /neg wrote him in the same way that she writes the 'good' hp mothers, not to mention his interactions with sirius and the fact david thewlis and the director themselves thought he was gay, but the allegory of his lycanthropy being his queerness also makes sense in an uncomfortable way? because if you take remus being outed as a werewolf, then quitting his job as a teacher [one of the only jobs he was ever able to get because of who he is] since he knows the parents will view him as a danger to the children, it sounds like a reference to homophobia. a very bad and admittedly anti-queer accidental queer-coding, but still. anyways we’re getting side tracked), and i genuinely cannot bring myself to see him as bigoted or in any way discriminating. to me that whole scene was just jkr projecting, which i think she unfortunately does a lot.. ew..

either way. the scene made me uncomfortable because it brings me back to my middle school, but both remus and sev are my fav characters and both remus making fun of snape in that way and snape outing him as a werewolf were shitty things to do and i don’t know whose part i should take.

when in doubt lets just blame all the problems on jkr. i hate her. i hope she perishes. the rest of u have good day tho ily, let me know what u think lol

[whenwillderekhalebehappy]

so i just started playing fallout 4 ,,, here are my preliminary opinions

- lame storyline, i don't want to be married heterosexual. idc abt this fuckass baby either.

- fr tho, it feels like the devs just chose the most generic backstory they could think of so they could get that part out of the way. it's not interesting or good. moreover, if that actually happened to a person, they'd be traumatized and terrified, not running around looking for guns and stimpaks. like, it feels like my character doesn't even give that much of a shit that this happened. like ooh the world ended, my wife was murdered, my infant child was kidnapped, it is 200 years in the future, but yeah no i don't have any questions, ill just roll with it. LAZY WRITING!

- also: how does the survivor know that his baby is still alive. the story has him frozen, unfrozen to witness murder and kidnapping, frozen again and then unfrozen to start the game. how am i supposed to know when that kidnapping happened? like yeah it could've been recent but it could also have been 100 years ago.

- upon exiting the vault you immediately start like 11 quests. why?? for what reason?? i just got here??

- do not love that feral ghouls will just lay on the ground waiting for you to get close enough so they can attack you. 1. its annoying, you get ambushed every time. 2. why would they be doing that, are they sleeping? waiting? doesnt make sense for them to be doing either of those things. they're feral, they wander around attacking whatever comes near them, they don't lie down and wait for prey, thats just ,,, not how they work?

- i especially dont like that the ghouls also dont show up as hostile on the little navigation bar until they get up. the whole point of that is so i know if there's hostiles in the area. if all the hostiles just sneak up on you, there's no reason to look at it.

- the fact that you can just max out your SPECIAL stats kinda defeats the purpose of those stats. the point is that it allows you to pick strengths and weaknesses for your character, instead of it being skills you can learn. it adds difficulty and personalization.

- i genuinely don't like the "improved" graphics. maybe its because my pc is shitty and i have to run low quality, but i cant see shit. especially all the harsh shadows make it really hard to gauge depth and to see things on the ground (like feral ghouls waiting to attack you).

- why is VATS under Q. thats dumb

- follow up: why are we now using the enter key and arrow keys in addition to wasd. let me keep my hand on the mouse instead of constantly having to switch (update: after 10 hours in-game i found out you can also press E, still stupid)

- why cant i just go up to people and ask them shit. why do i have to wait until they want to talk to me.

- i do like the whole settlement building thing. ive been having more fun with that than anything else tbh

- it is nice that you can make radaway and you dont have to rely on scavenging or bartering for it

- they are harsh on the raiders. like i get that they're enemies but labelling them 'raider scum' is a bit much. like thats still a person.

- in the intro thing they say war never changes at least 3 times. i get it. dont overdo it.

- also in the intro, they just say the US ended ww2 by dropping the bombs on hiroshima and nagasaki which is a VERY BOLD statement about history.

- i've barely encountered anyone who's nice. ive met preston and his friends but beyond that its basically been nothing but raiders. where are the friendly npc's? it makes the whole world feel hostile and empty

- the variety of weapons and mods is ,, actually a little too much. i don't know the difference between a pistol and a revolver, let alone what a receiver is. the game kind of expects you to just , understand what all these things mean and how to best modify your weapons. I don't. i barely know what i'm supposed to be looking at. "um yeah i definitely prefer the hardened enhanced glowsighted tempered auto pipe revolver pistol over the hardboiled standardized incendiary double barreled shotgun rifle" <- statement dreamed up by the utterly deranged

- recently encountered super mutants, why do they yell at you that they are super mutants. i know that. i mean, the character technically doesn't since no one's bothered to explain all the new creatures to him, but still.

anywho, ive only been playing for a week or so, so there might be more redeeming qualities later on. but so far im not very impressed

[idealspawn]

tbh now that i think of it i kind of needed him not for himself but for myself too. so that is fucked up a bit maybe from my side too. like that i needed someone secure enough to kind of mm trust them and be truly honest and transparent and loving and giving but not because i so very much loved them and wanted to give TO THEM but to see if i can trust myself to let myself be giving. if that makes sense. to let myself try be securely attached. but not necessarily because im madly in love. but like train my vulnerability. he said he read my poem and it was nice, cheesy at times but with good parallels and metaphores. i explained one part to him more in detail too bc it was pretty open to interpretation. he said he will write it down but i dont think he will. but it also feels so cringe because he was meant to read it when he still had feelings for me. also a good um.. stepping stone for me i guess. to admit i have feelings for someone still when they dont, although im acc not too sure myself how much i was truly madly attached either. feels good to swallow my pride though. i also tend to lose feelings when ppl arent attracted to me which is good. i dont have a problem w chasing him. im attracted to ppl being attracted to me which in a way, from me, is also a bit fucked up. he also didnt become a part of my real immediate daily routine as i didnt really text w him too much. we just were together irl a lot and really present in those times. and i also made sure i didnt abandon my friends this time so i still massively have my support system w me. but it sucks a bit bc i literally talked abt him to so many of my friends but its okay like i dont owe anyone anything to last just bc i talked abt it. and shit changes. just bc i said sth true in one moment doesnt mean i has to stay true forever or that now that it isnt true anymore that it couldnt have been immensely true at one point. one thing that was pretty fucked up tho is that he told me he wanted to have sex w me just bc he was looking for certainty and answers abt his feelings from there not bc he acc felt connected to me. like i usually.. want to be intimate when i feel love not disconnect..... and now he said he didnt find it from there. but like.. we were literally both so high and it was such a bad situation. no wonder you cant feel a spark bc i was literally numb like a vegetable. he said he knows it was a bad decision but like why do you take this situation to tell you clues abt what next then. and like. the same way with all our previous hangouts when i felt sth off. like the reason it was off was bc he was off and not fully honest abt it. it felt like such a relief when he said all the words out so rawly at last and i felt i could come out of this weird anxious shell of a performance i had on w him the past few times bc of the way i felt sth was weird but i couldnt tell what it was so i couldnt fully be normal myself either. so like the last times he gave me "chances" couldnt have been proper chances to show him anything true bc it didnt feel like... normal. there was an elephant in the room that was standing right between us. but he refused to address it when i tried to. i guess i got my answer that its not that im weird that i keep getting into these awk situations but that the other person feels weird and that is the thing affecting me. im fucking normal. i cried a bit too like its not that i am not affected by it at all but i think im kind of fine. i anyway didnt see him for 2 weeks now. its just weird bc we had plans which made us be together daily for like 2 weeks straight and um. i dont know if i can do that. even if we are friends bc i dont usually do that w my friends really. its weird. but like. fuck idk.

[transfemzedaph]

Ravager beef hc? :D

🪱

okay prepare for a lot of writing sdjfbjd

so okay context for this hc overall is that there are hybrids of the newer mobs but most of them like they dont know theyre hybrids till the mobs like appear but theres some cases where the hybrids like do exsist before the mobs properly exsist in minecraft. idk i know how this works in my head but i dunno if that makes sense

so beef is born a lil baby ravager hybrid in like a pillager group, one day when hes still quite young he gets left behind somewhere whilst theyre travelling or sth - no one looks for him or anything because ravagers dont really care for their young so yeah

he gets found by a very kind villager lady who like adopts him and teaches him everything about the world and players and such, one of the things she told him was that the players dont know about the ravagers or even the pillagers yet so he should always hide his ravager-ness from them (cause like the worlds that exsist are very developed but the ones that the players end up in arent as advanced its like weird)

the village he grows up in is fairly small, nestled into a cliffside but sometimes a wandering trader visits, bringing gifts and stories of far off lands and beef is so curious about it and so when hes old enough he leaves to explore the world

he ends up in mindcrack full of players and new friends but its clear this world isnt the same, the villagers are weird and wrong, he keeps his horns filed down and his sleeves long enough that it covers the markings on his arms (cause like the ravagers have the bluey silver like cuffs things and in my brain like when the baby ravagers are born the magic pillager guys do like a thing that makes bluey kinda markings on the ravager where the cuff things go and like its a thing like this ravager is owned and isnt like a wild one and also makes it like magically easier for the cuffs to like stay there, so beef has the markings)

then he joins hermitcraft with lots of people, new friends and old, and he still hides it, he ends up telling the nho during season 5 during the whole jungle shit, like sth abt the them being trapped and beef has to tell them bc his horns are growing and he cant file them down - although beef is unsure if bdubs actually remembers

beef wasnt technically in season 6 but when he returns in season 7, everyone knows about ravagers now, and beef knows its a hybrid friendly server but he still doesnt tell anyone, he does use his part ravager status to his advantage a little in decked out (the ravagers always hesitate and are slightly reluctant to attack him bc they know hes part ravager)

season 8 he still doesnt tell anyone but the whole alien transformation thing happens which makes beef feel real weird and bad bc of his hybridity, so he decides he will tell everyone before season 9

every like new world beef goes to his horns revert back to their original state so beef is kinda glad he doesnt have to do anything with them this time when he starts the new season, he walks into the pre season meeting before they enter the world, sleeves rolled up and horns on display

he feels v awkward abt it and is kinda just like uh so im a ravager hybrid and everyone is like :o oh, x asks how long hes been hiding it and if thats why he wasnt there in s6 - bc remember that thing abt like hybrids like being activated when they appear in the like game that i mentioned at the beginning - and etho who is like standing net to beef scoffs at that and beef is like uh no ive been a hybrid the whole time which everyone is very surprised by bc like born hybrids arent exactly rare and even happen with the newer mobs but mostly the born hybrids from the newer mobs happen after theyre like in the game

when i say in the game i mean when they got added to the game like yknow but like this isnt a game for the people bc its just their life but phrasing things is hard

thats all i have rn and tbh i so badly wish i could draw so i could do like a thing w a body of him to show what he looks like bc of him being a hybrid but eh whatever

[certified-anakinfucker]

Fandom ask game the star wars micro animated series?

(fun fact, everything under here in purple was written on the same day you sent this,, i just couldnt think of anything else for the other answers and promptly banished this to my drafts IM SO SO SORRY LINALOVE)

OHHHH THE 2D SERIES BELOVED

favorite character: shaking between anakin and ventress tbh but it's more because like. this anakin was CLEARLY an unabashed teenage asshole, and ventress was actually a fuckin force of nature finally and i think it's what they both deserved to see in the storyline. plus they got to fight and teehee more vader momence

least favorite character: goodbye, padmè. i still just. i dont know why but she makes me want to grab her and shake her around like a ragdoll. i dont HATE her persay, but shes just. mm. not my fave.

brOTP: did they have brotps in here?? the last time i watched it was when it was a group effort. so my brain is absolutely mushed about it.

OTP: shaak ti x being an absolute bad bitch. as she should be.

OT3: lmao hit me with that mace x flying a droid craft by yanking on wires x the clones absolutely flabbergasted

NOTP: [redacted for my own sanity] (i cant think of anything!)

favorite storyline: NELVAAN NELVAAN NELVAAN because it's suuuuuper fucking cool to like. see a planet for a species that collectively got forgotten when dicknee took over, and see that hey there ARE consequences for certain actions! does that make sense to say? plus i ended up making four nelvaanians, one of whom was anakin's crechemaster and the other three are her kids that are anakin's age just abt. i fuckin loved nelvaan. and the whole vader foreshadowing actually made me gasp the first time i watched this through ,, what, about two years ago? like WOOGH BLATANT ALLEGORIES ARE MY SHIT

least favorite storyline: what the fuck happened actually, the fun part of having add is that i cannot remember my least favorite storyline. i just do not remember what i do not like.

what i wish happened but didn’t: why can’t we have more nelvaan so true about this. i have to do everything myself aroundhere.

what happened that i wish didn’t: …….. whatever the fuck happened to the male nelvaanians in the tubes and the fact that now they were just Stuck like that :[ FACTS

[rivangel]

tw// abuse

i'm sorry if this bothers you i really hope im not making you uncomfortable but ive been thinking a lot about that one ask you got because for me levi is such a safe person idk how else to explain it, ive been through such shitty experiences in the past and even though im trying really hard to fight all this on my own sometimes i cant and its nice to have someone (even if its fictional) to hold on to, idk if you find yourself in these same situations or not, im sorry again if this is a topic you might not wanna discuss ypu dont have to reply

//i feel like being personal - dissociation and ptsd mention, heavy mental health topic in general?

dw it doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all bc i feel the exact same way. back when i got into aot again and i started like LOVING loving levi, i’d just gotten out of a long term horrible relationship and was coping with starting college and coming to terms with shit that was traumatic and i didn’t even know it? if that makes sense? like my relationship w my family. being specific is prob unnecessary, but yeah i’m still dealing with the effects of that relationship to this day. that’s what i mean by it was horrible, so one reason i rly clung to levi was bc of that. i’ve always found comfort in fanfic / fiction / escapism in general tho so it was pretty par for the course.

then i went thru one of the most traumatizing things - or the most traumatizing thing - in my life and tbh i was dissociating and losing so many days, being unmedicated and isolated and so depressed, AND dealing with so much ptsd that i simply wouldn’t have been able to cope without relying on levi (and my cat too lol), like constantly daydreaming and reading fic abt him. and yeah thats probably dumb or pathetic to people who don’t understand, but that was all i rly had? andddd i’d..… idk where i’d be rn otherwise? i rly don’t. i don’t daydream like that constantly anymore lol it was incredibly unhealthy but this blog and levi and fanfic is my escape even still

so yeah basically i’ve found comfort in fiction my whole life so you’re not alone❤️

[b0mblover]

jeeze

(im gonna ramble abt hawaii part ii loptson)

hhgghh originally i had planned it to only take amybe a month or two but now im starting to rethink it bc i just /cant/

ive uh, mentally been going back and fourth with my emotions, and uh honestly, my mental health has been kinda poor lately so if i keep trying to do this when i dont have any real soild idea (as usual) its only gonna make me worse off,

i cant really say how i want this irl time wise to go (months etc) bc well, my drawing isnt really consistent, but as of right now im thinking around 1-2 a month?

tho yk, i could wake up tmrw and have all the motivation in the world or absolutely none!

i still really fucking am having brainrot abt it and i dont /plan/ on abandoning the idea (tho yk how that goes) but i also really dont wanna get burntout,

(as of posting) i actually have a good bit to do irl, collage shit, i have to choose new classes today, i have to get my school portfolio done, i have to get my art portfolio done (which is purely me with no help, its gonna suck) i really cant give off alot of info esp on public but its more than likely by 11:30 am today my father is gonna be out of a job, I STILL NEED TO BRUSH MY DAMN TEETH 😭😭 how have i forgotten its almost 10-

i dont wanna put art on the backburner for multiple reasons but uh, ill probably have to slow up my pace at least for a little bit,

on a slightly different note;

i just cannot figure out what to draw ;-;

i really was having alot of fun with the hand tef sheet tbh but uh, yk, i actually like doing more than that (it bothers me if i dont draw something “proper”) i uh know im not really a background artist in the slightest but i had an idea and i might just go with it for the time being, or something? hhhhh i dont really know

ig i shouldnt force it, it doesnt ever work out when i do anyways

hhgh sorry not sorry for the ramble, this just wouldve made no sense on my main

[twistedyapping]

booktok is a peculiar phenomenon.

so i just watched a video on the disaster that is booktok (the video in question) and it got my brain going ur honor.

a lot of booktok tropes and such revolve around the whole enemies to lovers thing and listen 🎶🎶Random Disclaiiaiamemmemrrr🎶🎶

if u fuck with enemies to lovers stuff that's fine yknow to each their own, this is just gonna be me yapping abt why i don't understand it that much

ive always seen stuff along those lines and especially always seen an immense amount of hype behind it like "omg enemies to lovers is the best trope" and stuff like that- and i have never been able to get behind it for some reason

i even tried it on cai at one point like there was a prompt where i was like Huh ya this definitely seems like enemies to lover stuff- fuck it ill try it why not-

and it just made me Angry- like it was awful- i love the character i did it with to this day but in that specific moment i Hated his fucking guts- like no room for reconciliation level hate And he was indeed going along with the usual enemies to lovers trope that im aware of at least- yknow big argument that ends in fucking or something- Dude my blood was BOILING u have no fucking idea.

and maybe it's my relationship with anger and like the fact that i have trust issues and such but after that i just like. genuinely don't get the concept.

Ok so lemme get this straight right- two people hate each other, cannot stand each other!!! cant even be in the same room together- And then somehow they dont ?. And they fuck ?.

like do these ppl have such short emotional attention spans that the second one of them starts rizzing the other up they just totally forget abt "Oh ya i hated you actually"????? Like are u THAT horny??? Is that what it is?????????

is the enjoyment of the trope coming from the fact that the sexual aspect overpowers the hate aspect?

on one hand i dont care that much But on the other hand i genuinely wanna know bc there must be a psychological component to it that im missing-

is it the adrenaline rush?? the feeling that you're doing something wrong???

listen im AAAAAALLLLLLLL for the concept of like losing control over ur emotions via Fucking But enemies to lovers still isnt it for me-

it has to be like the wrong terminology or something maybe- bc there's no way if ur gonna be going from enemies to lovers that u were Actually enemies in the first place- like u must've been like. Just two people that were in love with each other but didnt wanna admit it.

in which case that's certainly not actual enemies, it's basically just miscommunication tbh

and at THAT point i can get it like that TOTALLY makes sense to me- but the ones where it's like.

"my name is inigo montoya. you killed my father. prepare to die." and the other person's just like "haha. wanna fuck 😎" LIKE BRO WHAT IS GOING ON HAHAHAHHAHAHA

and im sure there have been some books or even fanfics where the enemies to lovers trope has been genuinely well executed, well enough that anyone in their right mind could appreciate it as genuinely good fiction, but i have not seen that so im kinda left in the dark here.

the stuff i see on booktok is also very concerning ngl- it's a lot of these like. older, violent men manhandling these younger women (in fiction ofc, at least i hope none of them are based off of true stories 😧) and like degrading the shit out of them but somehow being painted as "attractive" and "alluring" Like. Bro what.

again i totally get sexual degradation and stuff but only when it's coming from the right place???? Like you're doing it because it's what the other person Wants and what makes them feel good- But this shit isn't that and if it's trying to be, it's horribly executed bc they're essentially just going off of the concept of "one person THINKS that's what the other person wants but we don't actually know if it's true or not bc surprise surprise, there was no communication beforehand of ANY kind."

im the kinda guy that u gotta kinda code shit in for me right- consent is non-negotiable But if u fuckin ask me "Do i have ur consent to fuck you" NOT ANYMORE U DONT!!!! DAMN!!!!! WHERE'S THE ATMOSPHERE WHERE'S THE PIZZAZZ BITCH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

so im not sayin these books or fanfics or whatever absolutely HAVE to have like a terms and agreement kinda fuckin scene where they go over what they fuck with and what they dont But what im sayin is damn you couldn't've like... Kinda talked about it at least...? Like idk maybe a scene in passing where one of em calls the other a bitch and then they're like "wow wow wee wow say that again mister!!!" U KNOW LIEK HAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHA

ur writers!!! get creative!!!!!! And im sure the above thig i described has indeed happened multiple times BUT DO IT BETTER!!!!! DAMN!!!!!!!!

anyway i have no idea But ive just never been able to get behind the booktok stuff man it's literally just glorified corn- Haha korn- Yeunara oo ratapenetaa eentaa ooo- and it's a very weird side of tiktok to me like yessirrrrr sex positivity u love to see it But not. Not like that.

sex positivity absolutely!!!!!! sexualization............ no...

And good lord i could do a whole other rant abt sexualization itself and how watered down the term has become but that's for another day ur honor-

and sexualization probably isn't the right word Exactly but im not quite sure else what 2 call it-

ANYWAY idk consider me uneducated but i Am willing to learn- there's gotta be a psychological component to it that i just dont know abt yet BUT im gonna end this yapping session here i think so thank u stay tuned for next time n i apologize if i came off wrong at any point bc i always wanna treat stuff like this with the due amount of respect while still being silly so 😮‍💨

- 🌙 -

[rpfisfine]

(hi im back I got scared bc I worried I'd focused too much on myself in my last ask and the demons took over Help) idk why im shocked that there aren't any fics unique to wattpad I dont think the boyboy following is a wattpad bunch we're all old pretentious fucks (endearing). I rly hope they're cool with fics,,, i hope they Get It,,, that would be really sick. they've surprised me before, they can do it again!

you ARE being brave holy shit if I was in your position I think I'd shit myself to DEATH this tension is killing me but I agree your fics are so well written like they're rpf but more importantly they're really good??? truly moving?? literary even??? and i have hope that they'll appreciate that too

- 🌵

HIIIIIIIIIII noooooooo omg not at all!!! its just that ive genuinely sucked ass at answering asks in general since the dawn of time and in the past couple of weeks i have gotten more asks than ive ever received before in my entire life LOL plus my memory is shit so if i dont answer Immediately i forget ive even been sent anything in the first place and its just this whole thing but me not responding wasnt caused by anything you did in the slightest i LOVE getting asks from you!!!

god i literally know it makes complete sense but at the same time it surprised me as well maybe wattpad rly isnt what i remember it being anymore maybe it has fallen off in a pretty major way since 2014..... dude i literally cannot exaggerate how much i want that to be true LOL i rly rly rly hope they are too like i know logically they wouldnt be making the video if they werent but still...... tbh aleksa does strike me as someone who has legitimately written self insert fanfiction abt him & alex in the past so. i think there's some hope for us (joking obvs. unless..)

im gonna be real there hasnt been one moment in the past couple of days where i wasnt shitting and pissing and vomiting myself to death i literally wake up in cold sweat nowadays expecting my inbox to be flooded w anons being like DUDE THE VIDEO IS OUT FHFGNG.. like its BAD the tension is kiling me as well. ohhhhhmy god stop you guys are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo niceys to me i cant believe it..... god.....them apprer . them Complim , them ap- i cant even say it . is something i genuinely honestly cannot even begin to think abt like you guys r being so brave and normal abt this and r trying to comfort me constantly and i just feel like i havent made any mental progress at all since the day of the fateful discovery LOL like ever since i learned its not gonna be posted to their patreon w roughly 5000 subscibers like i hoped but instead to their yt channel with 800k+ subscibers i have been trying even Harder to gaslight myself into thinking my fics somehow wont make it into the video bc when i like sit down and make a serious attempt to entertain the possibility of 800k ppl potentially seeing my writing its just . Like my brain legitimately shuts down. i just cannot physically or mentally comprehend that number at all its not REAL!!!! to me!!!!!! get me out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[synchlora]

still thinking

[ji-lixie]

hellooooo my love — how about pentagon & golcha for the ask game 🌼✨💖

hello my love!!

i ramble too much

for pentagon i'm unfamiliar aside from knowing & loving literally one song (daisy and im 99% sure thats bc of u!!)

I’ll listen to their top song on Spotify & tell you my thoughts

daisy is right underneath shine.... cursed bc i actually realLY WAIT

WAIT IS THIS THE ONE W THE FUCKING???? T*KTOK DANCES OR F*RTNITE DANCES OR WHATEVER???? I RECOGNIZE THT LIL BIT FROM VIDEOS ABT LIKE... KPOP CHOREO IN GENERAL...

oh hey this was the group dawn was a part of. id say i hope he's doing well but i'm actually pretty sure he is lmao

anyway shine slaps and i like the like. chorus ig??? its all good but i recognized the like... one line at the beginning immediately.

I’ll look up photos & tell you who stands out to me

uhhh im looking at group pics like last time which is probably not smart but: guy in the very middle in this picture, the two on the end here, and the guy who looks soft as hell w the blonde hair in this picture... hes kinda got teddy bear vibes in this pic tbh

I’ll tell you if I’d look into them more

i was abt to be like "time to add them to the list" but theyre already there adfkhsdf ill def have to listen more sometime!! shine + daisy are both v good and i feel like i'd enjoy more of their music if i actually sat down and listened fully :0

and for golcha... who r they? haha ive never seen bae seungmin in my life (drops pictures of him + my other beloveds) oh fuck oh shit--

favorite member / bias line

idk who my favorite is rn but its usually between bae seungmin + joochan + donghyun!! do not ask me why i dreamed of jangjun last night. i do not know.

seungmin is v funny and also i love his visuals and vocals and his dancing, joochan honestly seems to be a (cute) mess sometimes (the pasta...) + his vocals as well, and donghyun is a gamer boy and im weak for gamer boys as u may know. also he dance! :) altho i feel like i could def say tht like... all of golcha is funny lmao they are chaotic sometimes and i live for it <3 being bad at mafia is a small price to pay.

which member I’d fight (& why)

.... probably jangjun for dabbing in damdadi. some crimes cannot be forgiven sdfkhsdf he'd probably beat my ass bc i'm p sure the guy works out a lot but i'd still try.

other than that, i dont think there's anyone i'd fight??? i'd feel bad and also they could all def kick my ass unless we're going shorties vs the rest of golcha lmao even tho seungmin is almost definitely taller than me but we could kick his groups ass

favorite song(s)

that feeling + ddara + wannabe are all somewhere in my top golcha songs tbh? ra pam pam + without you also!! :0 but they have a lot of good songs, esp older ones, that im just leaving out lol (with me is on my repeat playlist for a reason...)

favorite thing about the group

god. so like. i feel like its a lil obvious to go 'oh i love their music' but literally i love how strong all of their songs seem to be. damdadi slaps so fuckin hard, especially to debut with? i feel like their choreography is always really on point and even if their line distribution isnt equal, it genuinely feels like they all do get to shine? i think typically its their dancers who get less lines (which makes sense to me) compared to vocalists + rappers, but it never really feels super unfair?

idk they also cover other groups pretty well imo but that might just be me being biased toward them lol i just think abt the time they covered fear by svt sometimes like??? also their aju nice cover... the original def has a distinct sound that u cant replicate but i do appreciate the golcha cover esp bc i think that was way closer to their debut??? proud of them <3

something i’d like to see from them

give my man his solo song. dont be shy. also give jibeom his solo song for ursa. it's what we deserve.

besides that... i dunno. i feel like ra pam pam + ddara both were more in the vein of like. a sexier concept? and i do love them for tht lmao but i wouldn't mind seeing something softer with the full group? more in the realm of "singing in the rain" but it def doesnt have to go tht far imo!! just a warmer like... autumn date-esque concept if that makes sense.

thank u my beloved i am love them and, more importantly, U!!! <3 i hope u are having a good day ily!!