#and i sometimes i feel like ive put myself in a position where he is expected to be for others characters

[autobotmedic]

Question relevant to others comfort:

It is uncommon for me to discuss ic or make ooc comments relevant to dark or suggestive content, so I've reached a point that I don't feel like it's necessary to worry about a second blog that I barely use. BUT some people consider this blog/ratch to be a comfortable space as is, so I'd rather ask first, regardless.

[pinkandlilacroses]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

Angel - Paige bueckers

part 1

• summary {when an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star}

•warnings {none (for now)}

•comment if you would like to be added to the taglist

bellas pov

“Im just saying, a rom com romance would be fantastic tight now” I state to my best friend, Avery. “i mean everyday is the same thing over and over” i continue. I can tell she doesn’t care, Avery’s been in a relationship with her high school sweetheart, Jake since freshman year.

“you need to stop being desperate” she says scooting closer to me on our couch.

this may sound rude, but thats just how Avery is, ane i guess ive gotten used to it

“nobody understands me” i say dramatically as i get up and walk towards my room.

“remember, we are going out tonight” Avery yells

fuck. i forgot.

i hate going out, theres to many people

i feel like sometimes Avery relyes on me, i mean sometimes i wanna hang out with other people, not just her. Avery on the other hand, im her only friend and i understand why, i love her but she is so mean to any and everyone that she comes across.

a few hours pass and i begin getting ready. i put on a matching pink set with a tube top and a mini skirt, i feel cute, i cant wait for this to get ruined by a bunch of drunk, sweaty college students.

i know i take a while to get ready, i mean its taken me two hours to pick my outfit and do my hair and i haven’t even started my makeup yet. my excuse is that you can never rush perfection.

“bella cmon we gotta go” Avery yells, ‘how is she ready so early’ i think to myself, finishing my coat of mascara.

“ok, ok, im ready” i say 20 minutes later. i can tell shes pissed, but it doesn’t bother me.

“your so dramatic, its a 5 minute walk” Avery says, annoyed, as always.

“i am not made for walking”

its only been 5 minutes since our arrival and i want to leave

“hey baby” a clearly drunk guy says, while he slyly brings his hand to my bare waist.

“who are you” i say, bluntly

“hey loosen up princess” he says, getting closer

i do like that nickname. but i hate him.

“im gonna go now”

i dont know if im straight, to be honest. i was raised in a household where anything but straight was a sin, so i never really questioned my interests. but whenever i see a girl who is tall and strong, my straightness goes out the window, and i feel like im sinning. ive never done anything with a girl before and im scared, i dont know if i ever would.

i walk away from the drunk man and towards the bar

“oh my god im so sorry” ‘fuck. why am i so clumsy’, i say to the girl i bumped into

“nah your all good” she says, looking down at me

i hadn’t looked at her, but now that i am. i never wanna stop. shes tall and blonde.

“hi, im paige” she says, breaking my admiration.

“im bella” i say, shamelessly checking her out

she has on grey sweatpants and a black tshirt. hot.

“do you go here” she says, continuing the conversation.

“uh, yeah, im a junior” i say, stuttering. why am i stuttering

“are you nervous?” she says, bringing her face closer to my own. yes, i am so nervous, you make me so nervous, ohmygodohmygodohmygod

“no” i say, unconvincingly.

“you sure?” she questions again. im not ok

“your on the basketball team, right?” i say, attempting to shift the conversation

she chuckles

“yeah” she states, moving back to her original position, further away from me. come back

“have you heard of me” she says, cockily

“i think everyone has here” i say, to be honest, i dont know anything about basketball. but ive heard of her before and her eyes have me trapped, there so blue and inviting.

what am i saying

“i wanna know more about you though” she whispers, moving closer than before.

“what do you wanna know” i say wrapping my arms around her neck. i dont know where all this confidence has came from

“yo paige” some girl says, she turns around and breaks the position we were in.

“iceee” she says, dapping up her teammate

im offended.

i make my way from her and towards my friend group. i want to go home

“was that you flirting with paige bueckers”

“we were just talking, shes not interested”

“girl, paige would be interested in a tree if it had a pussy, she is definitely interested” chanel says

everyone laughs. but me

im confused, why am i attracted to her, i like men, not women.

“bella cmon, lets get you home” Avery says, i mentally thank her from saving me from this conversation.

i tuck myself into bed after taking my outfit and makeup off and get ready for my favourite activity. sleep, until.

xxx-xxx-xxx

- hey is this bella?

what the fuck. do i have a stalker

bella

- yes

xxx-xxx-xxx

- hahah thank god

- this is paige

what the fuck

A/N - first fic, how do we feeeelllllllll

[crowleys-hips]

ventish post

i feel like i sort of ceased to exist since july. i felt a blow nearly as hard as one i felt 4 years ago when i lost someone who's still very dear to me. and since then stuff has just kept happening and happening and happening and i stopped writing my novel and fell back on old bad habits and it really has felt like an exile of sorts. i've expressed it better in some of my poems, both GO and non GO, but that's just the tip of the iceberg tbh.

and i didn't even notice when, but i've recently realized that i also sort of stopped reading, when i used to read every day, all the time. now i sometimes manage to read maybe a short one shot. idk what's happened to me, but i feel like i've lost a huge part of me and years of my youth. like a christian finding out jesus' body has recently been found. or worse, like he never existed. and now it's hard to know where to put my faith in. i guess the right answer should be myself. but i've never known how to live for myself alone. but i want to learn. otherwise this will keep happening. and i know i should go back to therapy, but i feel like im too sick for therapy, if that makes sense.

anyway, my point is that, im really trying to get back on my feet. try to really exist again. act like a human and not fall back on my ghost tendencies. but everything is so overwhelming, like there's so much to do i end up not doing any of it. i stare at all my unread books and fics ive saved for later and im afraid later won't ever come. like i'll never catch up. and it kills me. bc i want to know more of all these brilliant minds, but ive been buried under the rubble of my dreams. im a writer who's forgotten how to read. im an artist who's forgotten how to hold a pen. a musician who now only stares at the piano longingly. my plants are dying and i let them. i want myself back, and i really am trying, but most of the time it feels like i go one step forward and three steps back. i just don't know how to deal with so much death without feeling like i also died. im trying so hard to dig myself out, and prove im not dead yet, but i keep falling asleep, and haunting my own dreams. but im fucking trying. i swear i am.

finally did some watering and pruning yesterday. started a painting and failed miserably but at least now i know what to not do. didn't drink for two nights in a row. my streak was 2 and 1/2 months lol. still writing poems, trying to write more again. i got today free, so i think i'll use today to just let myself read again and try not to feel guilty that "i'm not doing anything" bc i am. watching this fandom's great supportive, caring, and positive attitude has helped. and ofc my dearest friends and my beloved. despite everything, im glad i found this place.

[seeingivy]

Do you draw inspiration from.your own life (events, emotions...) to write ?

HEAVILY!!!!

I think this is something I do specifically for my longer form fics...the one shot tend to be more of the sporadic, cute scenarios I imagine while I go to sleep. but longer form fics are where I really start digging into my own life and putting my own thoughts/feelings into it

a few examples:

roommate eren: actually doesn't really apply, because that was so early into my writing.

method acting eren: (gets bullet points)

eren as a character and y/n as characters I feel have parts of myself that I often feel like are at war with in my own head lol (which is why they have conflict!!)

y/n gets swayed by people around her so quickly and cares about what people think - a little too much. eren is also just deeply self destructive at times and so in his own head that he can't see what's in front of him at all. those two things combined are not a pretty combo, which is why x y and z happens in method acting.

historia's whole being jealous of y/n arc is based of me in real life!!! struggle with real life comparisons so hard and it can be something that is so obsessive for me. when the song lacy came out, it was the first time I really felt seen in the way that wanting to be like someone else so bad can be so all consuming that I wanted to kind of include that in the fic, esp how it pertains to female friendships (will say, all the reception I got about that character and that friendship soothed a lot of rough spots in my heart about that so I appreciate you all)

lana's struggles with love - particulary the part that she has bad relationships of love modeled to her, hence why she originally puts up with ricky in the first place is also based on me (guys this fic is so self indulgent please leave me alone ok) and I haven't reached the whole self actualized love part but i'll get there! (thank you for all the love on the lana character I could cry if I thought about it)

also a bit more deep, but a lot of criticism that I got about the fic (esp after the whole reveal of why eren did what he did) was like "oh he could have just told her" "I don't get why he didn't" was kind of meant to be a more subtle thing of how when you love someone who is struggling with mental illness/bad environments (which at that point he was in a kind of abusive relationship with his producer so), it's often that the way that they cope or react as a byproduct is sometimes something that doesn't make sense/isn't logical - and is no way that something to put up with (which is literally why she doesn't), but it's also why eren is more logical and rational when he gets help. you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped (which at that point he didn't want to) and they need to put their own work in (which eren obv does after everything that happens)

^^ (this is based on relationships that i've had in my own life but also feeling put in that position of doing things that weren't rational and didn't make sense that hurt people and later realizing when I put the work in what a lot of that actually was and trying to have grace with it)

kind of random, but I always imagine method acting sasha as poc. I didn't want to say it explicit so people didn't start beefing with me about x y and z, but that's why she doesn't get the same treatment as y/n or mikasa. (not saying that y/n is white or fits beauty standards, but she's a self insert so I can't exactly assign her a race so the same point can't be made). but for the sasha character, it's kind of those feelings that poc/darker skinned girls get of not being the person anyone is interested in, the girl who is always funny and never pretty, super motherly but never the girl anyone has a crush on. anyways. (sincerely the token mom friend in highschool!!!)

best friends older brother sukuna:

so like. ive never talked to my best friends older brother. he is thirty. and he's also married to a sweetie pie.

THAT BEING SAID

a big part of that fic is obviously intimacy - but more the fact that there's a lot of depth to intimacy beyond sex - especially for people who have bad first experiences and how they kind of have to grapple with that afterwards (I will not elaborate on how I relate to this. connect dots.)

AND ALSO. sibling relationships is a big part of that fic. I have two older siblings (and the fic also has two older siblings). the relationships that I have with both of them are so dynamically different - in terms of good sibling/bad sibling (if that's even a thing, which the point is kind of that it's more complicated than that) and also younger/older dynamics

^^I won't elaborate more on that but just know in that fic that i've had my fair share of sammy and my fair share of sukuna - but also had my moments where i'm immature and not fair like y/n and yuuji. so.

thanks for this ask it was so fun!!! so sorry I yapped....and overshared.....

[fruitybashir]

Thank you for sharing the list of WIPs! I'm especially excited about the "bottom Kris" instalment. I love how you describe people's communication in sexual encounters, so, considering what we have read so far, it will be about starting doing things not done before, getting used to the new stuff, etc. Am I guessing it correctly? ☺️ And do not put any pressure on yourself, let the flow of creativity wave 🌊 like the ocean you're currently on ☺️

Also, I'm going to the JO gig this upcoming Saturday and cannot wait to scream along with the real Bojan "Spet me k tebi vleče", while having Holidate!Bojan in my mind as well 😊

Wishing you all the best ☺️!

yessss kinda! its not something super new, but its a lot about figuring things out, testing what works and feels best etc

ill put the link to an old ask here if i remember after posting but ive mentioned before that holidate kris has bottomed before, he just didnt like it. but its been years since then and the times where he tried it, he was at first an inexperienced teen, and another time with some random hook up, so he figures. well. maybe those were just really bad bc of the circumstances. but now hes in a stable, long term relationship (this is probably a few months after dopamin i think) with someone he loves and who he has amazing sex with, maybe it will be a different outcome.

theres a lot of trust and communication when they have sex and when they gradually explore more sides to it, not just new kinks but also like. idk how to word myself, im typing this out crouched on a concrete pillar watching the cruiseship park lol. basically like yes, theyre both still kinda vanilla but that doesnt mean that theres not still a whole lot you can discover about your partner all the time and figure out boundaries and what the other likes or doesnt like and maybe try out something new and they do that occasionally. sometimes its good, sometimes they decide they didnt like that, but it doesnt lessen their chemistry even then.

so kris feels very safe in approaching bojan about wanting to try bottoming again, even if it turns out he still doesnt like it. he obviously knows how much bojan enjoys it, so he knows theres a lot of pleasure to get on the receiving end and maybe they just need to find the correct way for him to get the same experience. so the whole thing is about that, him wanting to try it again and then figuring out if he likes it, what he likes or doesnt like about it, maybe what position he feels most comfortable in (bc he also has the whole being the one in control deal), if theres a way to make it so good for him that it can be a repeat thing, etc etc

a lot of talking, some frustration, some realisations, lots of trust and love and love and love

[glitchbirds]

currently on day 4 post-top surgery

pain was bad first couple days but has mellowed out to the point where im mostly just uncomfortable, finally. i was a bit in a rush to stop taking the prescribed percocet/oxycodone because i didnt like the side effects, and tried to switch to plain acetaminophen the same day as surgery- horrendous mistake. dont do that. in some ways i felt worse on the first day post-op than i did the day of surgery, because of that. i switched do acetaminophen yesterday afternoon and that was a much better time for it, it definitely doesnt dull the pain As well as percocet but it works well enough

the drains make me deeply paranoid and i haaate that i have to wear them two extra days because my surgeon rescheduled my post-op a week before surgery. theyve consistently only drained small amounts (and less each day) and i keep freaking out over the idea that theyre either clogged somewhere where i cant see/reach, Or that ive accidentally pulled them partially out of place when stripping them as directed

surgical binder is arguably even more annoying to me than the drains- starting on day 3 it started hiking up my chest constantly and putting unnecessary excess pressure on wherever it folded onto. and every time i readjusted it it would just slip back into the wrong place the next time i stood up or sat down. i was finally able to readjust it today in a way that it hasnt gotten messed up again, so thats a relief

for the first couple nights sleeping or even just lying down was fucking horrible. oxycodone would make me drowsy under an hour after taking it, but lying down or sitting back up from a lying down position would cause a sharp pulling feeling in my right side. i used wedge pillows and stacked more pillows on top of that, which sometimes helped but usually just made me sleep fitfully because i was on top of an uneven lumpy pile (oxycodone made that worse- i would get vivid, half-dream half-hallucination visions and sensations and drift in and out of sleep every 5-10 minutes until it wore off). the day after surgery, the first time i tried to sleep in my own bed, i woke up a few hours later to take my next dose of pain meds and the pain from prying myself out of bed was So excruciating that i spent a full half hour sitting on the edge of my bed trying to will myself to lay back down again. i eventually limped my way to the living room couch and fell asleep sitting up with my back leaning on some pillows. i still woke up once or twice an hour that night but had no pain from getting up or lying down. the next night i slept better- woke up even less-, and last night i braved my own bed again and it was nowhere near as painful as that first time… thank god for that

in general i seem to have been more awake/lucid/active than most ppl at this stage of top surgery? esp the first couple days, i spent a lot of time restlessly pacing around the hotel room (and later the apartment). obviously still doing my best to limit upper body movements and not get complacent with my slowly improving range of motion and overextend myself. at least walking around has been good for me in terms of minimizing blood clots in my legs…? and hopefully me being bad at falling asleep hasnt caused any notable issues with the healing process. hopefully.

scotty has been a little angel of a cat, he already is very gentle and avoids stepping on people (and if he does you can barely feel it). binx on the other hand, historically, loves clambering on top of my chest and he has no concept of his own weight and it hurts like hell, so ive been rebuffing his affection a lot the past few days and having to stop him from putting his paws on my chest and climbing on. which he is heartbroken about. absolutely mournful yowling in the halls

oh also my surgeon sent me a bunch of documents with instructions around what to do but the document says that i was given “nipple sparing double incision mastectomy” and the document occasionally mentions nipple care, and i assume this is just like, a generic form and they dont have a specific version of this document for ppl who opt to have nipples removed entirely, but im just gonna say rn if they left nipples on me after the surgeon and multiple other doctors+ nurses asked me directly half an hour before surgery to confirm that i did not want nipples, im going to go fucking crazy. i cant tell through the bandages if i have them or not- i don’t think i feel anything but im reluctant to poke around there too much

[bbyquokka]

1, 6, 7, 14

1. what's the fic you're most proud of?

im proud of all my works however, my top 3 have be this, this and this stormy night because it's the fic that started off this whole process. i had an idea, decided to write it; if it went well, i continue and if it didnt, at least i tried and well - here i am, lmao

fingers because i love how it turned out. for a small drabble, it turned out really well and i think i will always be proud of it. (plus i was suffering from extreme Jisung brain rot when i wrote this, so that helped 💀)

starlight because i think it was my first attempt at writing something slow and passionate, especially for hyunjin. i think thats what started of the whole process of seeing Hyunjin as a slow, passionate romantic - that coupled with the fact he actually is a hopeless romantic 🌹 idk, i just really liked how it turned out. it made me giddy sooo

6. what's the hardest part of the writing process for you?

processing my thoughts and unjumbling them so my sentence and the plot makes sense. i usually think of the middle section before i write so that sets of a million thoughts to swim inside my head. Many 'what if's' and 'can i add that?'

7. how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you?

receiving feedback makes my day! there is nothing better than putting in all that hard work into your fic and seeing someone reblog it and having a moment in the comments/tags - i feel sooo powerful 😂 it especially makes my day when ive posted something that im nervous about, or something i haven't written because im stepping out off that zone and someone gives feedback having a moment. I LIVE FOR THAT SHIT.

not receiving feedback bothers me sometimes, its hard not to when you spend hours writing, editing and making it look pleasing to the eye. it especially sucks when you post and see you have a notification for it to be a like -_- it especially sucks when you see other writers not getting the feedback/support they deserve. there are SOOO many talented writers on this site and its so heart-breaking seeing them struggle and constantly question their abilities to the point where they go on hiatus to leaving all together.

it does get annoying having to contently remind people to reblog and leave feedback, even when you have it plastered EVERYWHERE; but i appreciate the ones who are consistent (you know who you are and i will FOREVER LOVE YOU!!!!) and those people are the people i write for, as well as myself, ofc.

14. Do you compare yourself to other writers? In a positive or negative way?

sometimes i do, in both ways.

positive; i think they ae so talented and i take inspiration from them, want to do better, improve myself and 'be like them' in a sense.

negative; i see the amount of interactions they get, reblogs, asks, feedback and i think 'what am i doing wrong?'

sometimes it hard not to compare yourself to others, especially when they do what you do. but i have to remember that i am my own person, i write what i want to write. this is a hobby, not a service

thank you for you ask, jade! i didnt mean for it to be this long, ahah. apologise!

deep fic writer asks

[ridgeworld2006]

A VERY RIDGEWAY HALLOWEEN 1: THE BRIEF ONES

DAY 1- Firestarter: "it was mid but the ending was cool and the soundtrack fuckt" DAY 2- Prince of Darkness: "great buildup but the climax stinks. Lots of nice ideas in it though and a great soundtrack again" Day 6- Talk To Me: "the plot was kinda shit but the scares were nice and sickening, just the way i like em" Day 8- Videodrome: "super fucking weird but still actually really good. Wasn't too sure about it in the beginning but was sold by the end. Good body horror as well but i'd encourage anyone giving it a watch to look further than just that" Day 9- You Are Not My Mother: "mixed but fairly positive feelings. Horror was good and I liked the central concept as well as the lesbian love story, but the 'main' bully was SO over the top that anything involving her was hard to take seriously. The very end also felt a little pointless and slapped on." Day 15- Brain Damage: "an okay "so bad it's good" movie but nothing more" (i am SO full of shit for this... how can you see the blowjob scene and not recognize a masterpiece) Day 19- The Blob: ""What's ten million dead if it's keeping out the Russians?" SURPRISINGLY good! brian is hawt and actually CORRECT and hes never framed as being a dick for it AND him and meg DONT EVEN KISS AT THE END!!! IT'S A HALLOWEEN MIRACLE!!" Day 20- Motel Hell: "it was bad" (fucking duh idiot) "but in a "so bad it's good" way." (fucking duh idiot) "chainsaw duel whips ass" Day 22- Candyman: "holy shit this was good. Definitely another one that deserves another watchthrough to properly digest everything, and the horror is perfect along with the incredible soundtrack. feel the ending may be a little bit questionable but not really my place to say for sure i suppose" (ok... lol) Day 22 (again, making up for 21)- Candyman (2021): "This one felt more straightforward thematically (at least to me) and lines up startlingly well with some ideas i've been playing with myself. Not so much scary or disturbing like the original was, but what it lacks there it makes up for in being morbidly fascinating instead." Day 23- An American Werewolf in London: "late to add my commentary but it's not very good but is at least funny." (POST-MORTEM CLARIFICATION: THIS IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING "SO-BAD-ITS-GOOD") "Every line is like this: David: fuck... i can feel the werewolf coming inside me... whatserface: haha omg thats so crazy. ur so hot btw" Day 26- Puppet Master: "I was told the first one was good. i was lied to" Day 27- The Lighthouse: "another movie i should rewatch sometime to give it a deeper look. the first time a psychological thriller actually felt like a thriller to me lol. also the oceanic horror did it a hundred times better than lovecrafts dumb ass ever did just by having restraint" Day 29- The Wicker Man: "this is the best worst movie i've ever watched, hands down. it takes itself so seriously but is the goofiest fuckin shit ive ever seen put to screen. this movie definitely left its target audience cuz i was rooting for the townspeople the entire time. like yeah id do that too if i had to deal with this dude for an hour and 40 minutes" Day 31- FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S... "watched with friends, as expected it was bad but funny bad until the end where it got so stupid it actually made me mad. also i shit you not the credits music was the fnaf 1 song"

[pwblogarchive]

February 2006

February 1, 2006

paris in a flash. breath in the air. love is the kind of magic you save for when you are cornered. its your backup. sing a scandal. papparazi on songs. tu es belle.

2/1/06 Q&A

question

are you aware that people are saying that theyll go to many of your shows on the black clouds and underdogs tour that they really arent going to go to? i noticed on the my local bands thing that people from arizona said that theyre going to the columbia show. does this mean theyre getting more points than everyone else? is this fair? what about all the honest kids out there that just want to see you guys and have fun? thanks! love you pete!

answer

we’re weeding out the cheaters. dont worry. keeping it honest will pay off in the end.

question

hey pete, at the aol sessions thing, why was andy in a whole different room? k well shelby

answer

he smells terrible. no. well haha- in order to record live drums and have it sound okay its better to isolate each instrument- especially with cymbals.

question

Yo Pete. I got my bamboozle tickets and I was wondering…are you guys gonna play like 4 songs, or a full set?

answer

we are most definitely going to play a full set.

question

have u ever taken a naked picture with nothing but a box of frosted flakes covering ur pieces and spaces? my myspace friend tony has… get it cuz tony the tiger……

answer

doesnt he wear like a bandana? thats kind of erotic.

question

PETER! So are you really engaged and having a baby?

answer

totally. we live in a castle in the sky and my backyard is made out of clouds. its real great except for when the dragon comes around.

question

hey love…my little sister is getting major surgery next week (7yrs old)….shes getting a feeding tube put into her stomach, and this time theyre going to have to move her organs around and try not to puncture them…and she loves you and patrick, you especially (she only listens to songs where she hears you in it..screaming)so if you have anything to say to her…cuz shes a wreck over this…she should be…and any suggestions for me, because…right now shes emotionally stronger over this than i am…i just keep on thinking if something goes wrong….anyway, thanx pete

answer

prettymuch you just need to think positively. you have not been made sisters by a series of accidents or coincidences. clearly, you love eachother and the best thing you can do is be there for her. ill think about her before i go to sleep tonight.

question

I heard that FOB is breaking up is it true xo

answer

no way. we are on our second honeymoon.

question

Ive never met you. All I know about you are internet rumors and what is on this website. And for some reason I find this easier to say to you than anyone I know. Im going through a really hard time in my life, where I feel that I dont fit in. Even with my close friends. At church, at home, everywhere. I dont even know myself now. Im so confused about everything, Im questioning my own religion, my morals, whats right and wrong…everything. I dont know what to do, and I have times when I just want to give up. I keep a razor in the drawer next to my bed just in case. I need help…and I dont feel like I can tell anyone, but just typing this all down makes me feel slightly better, knowing that maybe someone might read this and care about a small town nobody gives me enough strength to go on for another day.

answer

i totally understand what you are saying. i wish i could say that it all goes away, but i think these are things that will plague us all until our deathbed. i would definitely throw the razor away, you dont need it- its not a solution- sometimes its easier to take it kind of one breath at a time… you know? its easier in small steps.

question

What does “im two quarters in a heart down” mean?

answer

i was trying to through to someone on a payphone, it was a 50 cent call from where i was to them.

February 2, 2006 

1:16 pm 

this city helps me forget love doesn't bore me. it disappoints me. there is a pile of lamps and clocks stuck on 11:11. cause i wish i could fucking believe you. 

February 6, 2006

Amsterdam to los angeles.

I am in love with being home.

If you come out to the house of blues in la tommorrow we are playing a super smal show with: jacks mannequin and shiny toy guns. Its already sold out but were gonna give out 5 free tickets. Don’t get your hopes too high.

You aren’t my goodluck charm anymore.

February 7, 2006

momma and poppa are cute. they were all at the hob la show. my dad says "will you please introduce your mother to jay-z". jigga and my mommy totally chatted.

wow.

oh and the show was amazing.

- petey

2/07/06 Q&A

question

Sometimes you write about seeing “old fall out boy fans” at shows. How can you tell? No way you recognize all those faces. Also, I just wanted to say that my first memory of FOB was in the local section (i guess cause andy is from menomonee falls and the store was in milwaukee) of a record store by my house a few years ago & now the same band is on TV & t-shirts across the nation. fall out boy: what a trip.

answer

my visual memory is pretty good. usually i can remember faces. sometimes i am off. but i definitely remember kids in every single town. i can’t remember any names ever- my auditory memory is terrible.

question

JT LeRoy mystery solved: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11215643/page/2/  

answer

disappointing.

February 8, 2006 

5:04 am 

so you want the truth been living just outside of okay for awhile now. but its changing. whatever story you heard about me is not true. im pretty sure im not gonna bring home a grammy tommorrow. but i will have lots of good pictures. how i am feeling about someone is always changing. except i am allowed to be happy inside my head right now. ive been scared of everything for far too long. i haven't let myself be alright. but ive done alot of thinking on the 12 hour flight here. i just like being around certain people. new friends make my heart flutter. old ones make me feel homesick. been going to grammy parties all week. yeah im that guy in the corner lurking hard. its kinda creepy. ive been training the last month for our video- however i think i may have sprained or fractured my foot in the last day. if this thing turns out the way it is supposed to- it will be the most epic thing fall out boy has ever done. i dont miss you but i do miss the idea of you. i went and looked at houses out in california again today- i want to get a dog and a backyard. maybe not just yet. but maybe. my clock is ticking on your pretty face. my dad got drunk tonight and talked shit to all of my friends. pretty amazing. i wish i had it on video. total release the bats two material. i want to do a tv show like the wonder years starring fall out boy. i don't think any networks would be too interested. dont call it a comeback. put pennies on my eyes when i die. you are new moons and fresh sheets and the end of that one dream. love the fancy kid. 

2/09/06 Q&A

question

do you ever wish you could start life all over again?

answer

yes. i think about it all the time. i would try and be more honest and not make so many mistakes.

question

I am holding my breath until the new Fall Out Boy video. When do you expect it to be finished?

answer

itll be done filming on tuesday- i promise you this is one of a kind. do not expect dance, dance again.

2/10/06

question

In the video Dance, Dance, you wispered to Patrick something. What did you whisper? And what was your favorite album and video that you made?

answer

“ive got to pee so bad”

question

pete, are you and ashlee simpson sexing?? ~the boardies P.S. she doesnt love you like we do

answer

okay just because this question has been asked one million times— we are friends. she is a sweet girl. ps- i could never lololove a girl as much as the boardies.

question

so what products do you use to keep your face blemish free?

answer

pore cleanser, reinvigorator, and a t-zone moisturizer by ponds.

question

why is Patrick the on;y one who smiles in like all of your albums and postres and stuff? i mean i was looking at the cover to “take tis to your grave” and patrick was the only one smiling.

answer

he makes us all super sad right before the pictures are taken always. and then smiles cause he likes it when people are sad. or the other answer is i dunno.

February 19, 2006

things that both currently annoy and amuse me:

ariplanes

"hottie mchottie" and other hilarious lines that should not be said.

east coast weather.

west coast girls.

yawning.

being awake all night.

i am tired.

- petey

February 19, 2006

posted from petes friends or enemies blog

February 19, 2006

i feel like howl from howls moving castle embodies every single feeling that goes through my head.

that is all. i am in the lobby of a hotel in new york city waiting for something that isn't ever going to happen.

i am calculating all of the legs and drunken stutters. i am precise. i am a machine. i am a hot mess.

- petey

February 19, 2006

i heard fall out boy on the radio for pretty much one of the first times ever last night. it made me once again realize that 99 percent of the reason anyone will ever like this band is because patrick has the best voice on the planet. that kid is the golden ticket.

i want a girl that wont laugh at anyone elses jokes.

i want a girl i can love in hour increments.

i want all of my ex loves to love me forever.

the new video will suprise you.

pictures soon at:

www.clandestine.buzznet.com  

www.friendsorenemies.com  

February 19, 2006

we put the f.u. back in fun so ive been reading many peoples diatribes lately. about what punk rock is and how bullshit this whole scene is. about how we all need to fuck off and die. well the truth is youre so fucking brave and i am so fucking cliche. i am okay with that. but i believe in these songs and these eyes and these sweated out rooms. the words your write hurt my eyes and my back is sore from being hunched over the screen all night. you cheapen what i do by casually throwing barbed statements at my friends and fans. leave. we don't fucking need you. we dont care what you think about us. we dont need to sit in clubs and watch you excuse yourself to the bathroom every 20 minutes, just cause we know how it goes. we dont need to watch you onstage. the best songs sing themselves. ive said it since day one. this is my rushmore. this saved me. fuck you for trying to ruin it. new songs are my middle finger back to you. im sorry youre gonna have to wait awhile to hear yourself called out through the speakers. i love the way they always ask to see my room key when i walk into my hotel at night. like i do not belong. because i do not belong. i love opposition. i love the haters. i love mondays. i love accidents. i love "no more chances". i love walking through this city at night where i do not know anyone. because i do not know anyone. i love secret shows. i love coded messages. i love the way you have me figured out so much better than i have myself figured out. 

xo peterabbit

2/19/06 Q&A

question

thank you for not making craptastic videos. Will continue with the making of noncrappiful videos with this next one?

answer

well see. i think this one is gonna be a 180 degree change. i hope you like it.

question

Is the world ever going to be luck enough to get a Fueled By Ramen tour? Say with you guys, the academy is…, panic! at the disco, and days away? Or any other of the Fueled By Ramen crew?

answer

we are planning a decaydance tour for next summer possibly- tai, panic, gym class, and a couple others are all possible tourmates.

question

p33t!please give us some hints about the video?!? do you know when its going to be finished for our viewing pleasure?

answer

okay think kungfu hustle meets the lost boys meets the warriors.

2/22/06

question

Lately it seems like you, not as a band, but as a person have been undergoing a lot of minor changs, which together are seeming to make you an unrecognizable person to some. Is the Wentz we all came to know and trust really deteriorating in front of us? You guys, and your music, and your humor are a stable thing in the lives of many, and the idea that you wont be staying as we thought we knew you for even just now honestly scares the shit out of me. Are the few of us going to have to distance ourselves before we end up following and befriending something we cant even recognize, or are you still for better or worse going to be the ingenious, hilarious smartass we see you as?

answer

i dont know how to answer this question. i think if i was truly deteriorating before you i would still answer that i wasn’t because id feel nervous revealing that. at the same time i feel that i love more and more spending afternoons walking through this city by myself away from all of this nonsense. if that makes any sense. i dont really know who you know me as- i dont really know who i know myself as- i am sorry i dont have a better answer. i am as confused as you.

question

Does Patrick know that he is my Schmexy lil Lepricon?? because he really really is.

answer

wow. haha. i will be sure to pass it along.

question

I miss the old Peter , bangs , eyeliner and all . Im so sad.

answer

the old peter didn’t have any of those things. its just a hair cut. its just makeup. its just my bone structure. its just a picture. focus one evrything else there is- the words, the music, the laughs, the jokes, the connection, the sweaty haze in the room right before the last song. everything is gonna be ok. patrick, pete, joe, and andy are making a new record and a video to scare off anyone that ever thought any of us were pretty.

question

peter, youre such a dino-whore. can we expect you and the guys to be doing any skits on SNL?

answer

no

question

you and hey chris arent friends anymore. sadness. do you think this will be ever resolved and you guys will be friends again?

answer

im only answering this question so it will not be asked again: i don’t believe in bringing or speaking about situations with my friends or family online. they are the only part of my life that i guard intensely. i hope that you will respect that. what goes on with me and chris is between me and chris and i have never and will never address it online or milk it for attention.

2/24/06

question

will we be getting a pre-MTV look at the A Little Less Sixteen Candles a Little More Touch Me music video like we did with Dance,Dance? The few pics i saw reminded me of Michael Jackson for some reason.

answer

there will be more and more pictures over at www.friendsorenemies.com - im not sure if we’ll have a video preview ready in time. this thing is gonna be different. don’t expect 80s highschool movies and usher dancing -

2/26/06

question

why is pete such an asshole and patrick such a sweetheart?

answer

hahaha. true. when we were being made into a boyband by lou pearlman he was like: patrick you are gonna be the shy guy and pete you are gonna be the badboy with attitude. i cant help it. you dont argue with lou.

question

PETE YOU MAN WHORE BAND NAMES. PLEASE

answer

caps lock does not make up for not using enough words to be understood.

question

can you help me think of a new away message

answer

blinkhurleyiheartbilljoe41: “hi, i am outside breathing oxygen. the sunlight hurts my beady little eyes cause i sit in a dark room on the internet all day and night. my legs feel wobbly because i have been looking a n00ds all day. please be my friend in real life and not just on the dorkweb.”

question

I want to go to a secret show obviously, but where are we supoosed to look for these “clues”?

answer

they are all over the place. look hard: clandestine.buzznet.com - friendsorenemies.com - www.fueledbyramen.com

question

Pete, the new october fall cd is amazing. will you please tell Patrick that I think his voice is amazing in that song. his voice is always amazing, but there is just something else to his voice in Second Chances!! and now for my question… is decaydance looking at any new bands that you might sign in the near future?? Youshouldsignfictioncityyoushouldsignfictioncity!!!

answer

thank you… october fall should suprise some people i think… we are always looking for new bands. i will check them out.

question

which person from the simpsons would you most like to date??and why.:0

answer

hahaha tricky….. hmmm. marge i guess. but you know she has a BOYFRIEND.

question

Why is it that the songs do not match their titles?

answer

they do.

question

Im thinking of selling my PATD ticket, persuade me that seeing them will be worth the expenses!

answer

listen to their record. that is your persuasion. trust me.

question

Pete, Ive had a hard time talking to anyone about this, so I just thought that I could say it to you. Recently my Nan died. This has been my first experience with death in my family. Ive been distraught, but no ones really talked to me about it. I keep thinking that my mom or dad or one of my sisters will die, and Im always worrying about them. Its really driving me crazy. I dont know how to get past all this. Thanks for reading this. Your music is what has kept me going this long. x

answer

ive felt this before. its strange how the more you watch tv and the world around you- the more you think about people around you dying. it can drive you crazy. it can make you hang on too tightly. to me the only answer is to treasure the people around you. so youll never feel like you missed out. live every day.

February 28, 2006

3:50 pm (from HeyChris)

an open letter to pete wentz.

it takes a lot to make me mad. 

it takes even more to infuriate me.

so, after all this time i finally learned the truth. that it was you telling my ex girlfriend lies and secrets. despite even giving you the pass card after i caught you trying to talk dirty to her online, this is how you repay me? no wonder why you couldnt look me in the eye on the bus last summer and no wonder why you avoided me every chance you got. 

you hug me and tell me you love me then you tell lies to my girlfriend behind my back to lure her away from me? you tell her i cheat on her and then you tell me to come stay on the bus?

you are a spineless fucking sham.

i regret every second i spent defending you and your selfish ways. 

dont forget, i know you. not that shitty glammed up poser image you present to the masses to consume. the dude i knew never would have worn a fucking dinosaur shirt or sold out one of his friends. the dude i knew had heart and fucking loyalty. well lil buddy, you are fucking done.

you want to sell me out to the most important person in my life and then have the audacity to make ME think I did something wrong to not deserve your friendship? you fucking arrogant bastard. 

since we're discussing sellouts lets discuss how when kids give you presents you laugh at them and throw it straight in the trash. oh yeah, ive seen it many times. lets talk about how you talk shit about the fat girls that are your fans and mock their letters. you are fucking undeserving of every ounce of attention you've ever gotten. from every one of your calculated business moves to your "spontaneous" jumps in the crowd parts to your well rehearsed cliche lines you've been spouting for 400 shows in a row. you're boring, contrived and old. "oooh, no one loves me, its sooo hard being on magazine covers and tv shows. someone save me from me." what are you, fucking 12? go light your little candles ask yourself why no one will ever truly love you. its amazing no one has caught on to your little fucking show. you're nothing more than a shitty opportunist business man with even shittier fashion sense.

so pack up and move to whatever million dollar house you've picked out in california paid for by your lies and hypocrisy and deceit and selfishness and over medicate yourself like youve been doing for years...because guess what? no one wants you here anymore. you are not welcome. 

oh yeah, hows that straight edge tattoo doing? as well as the tattoo for your "crew" who now refer to you as a fraud and a con? stay gold dude, stay gold.

remember this each night of the tour when you play the lie, "hey chris, you were our only friend." 

downplay it all you want by saying the song is about "friends", but guess whos fucking name you're saying each and every night? mine. thats right. what a bunch of fucking phonies. sing the songs you dont even believe in anymore. fucking liar.

you know the friends i have and you know how we feel about loyalty. 

you know who im talking about and you know they're not happy either.

so dont get caught slipping and you better make damn sure you watch whos on your guest list because a plus one might come backstage to punch your fucking teeth out and tear the windpipe from your throat. 

you fucking sell out. 

oh, and next time you decide to write another song about me, do it right you fucking coward.

**********REPOST EVERYWHERE YOU CAN**************** 

Current Music: the promise - crush all fakes."

oh what a monster we've created.

when i am called by my manager to read a post that is burning through the internet it makes me wonder. ive never responded to rumours or shittalking online, no matter who it came from- at the same time there is nothing that makes my blood boil more than reading this- being who i am, my first instinct is to blow it off- but then i consider how anytime anything is written on the internet people believe its true- no matter what, no matter the biases or subjectivity of the sources. my first instinct is to lash out- to say everything i think about you and every situation- to defend myself and attack you. as unbelievable as it is- i am an extremely insecure person- everytime i read something about myself negative or positive i react in probably the exact same way anyone would.

- 

but like i said- i am going to continue to do this my own way, what i consider to be the higher road. i understand when we get angry we often lash out- ive done it myself on many occassions. if you want to talk to me about any of this call me on my cell phone and we can do it one on one-

i will not be responding to anything else-

however, the attacks about our fans and the people that listen to this music and read these words is completely offbase- the fans of this band are my entire life- ive lost my girlfriend, my friends, much of my "normal" life- just to keep this relationship going- this isn't to say that i dont make mistakes, take misteps. just because youve seen me on tv or at a show doesn't make me anything less or more than human. you dont ever see the other side of the way we agonize over every decision we make or try our best to please everyone- because we've given up in bands before and we know how it feels and we dont want that to happen. everyone in the band is upset about this- remember everyone that makes up fall out boy- they all wanted me to voice that we appreciate our fans and friends that weve met more than anything- and that we realize because of where we are all the arrows are pointed at us- but we will try our best. and we do try our best. we also, have far more faith in the intelligence and dedication of the people that believe in us to think that they will be swayed easily. if you want to hear other stories of how we actually talk about our fans or think of them please ask other bands, they will testify to how we really act. we just want you to know that in four years when noone cares, we still hope you are there. im not going to freak out or whatever, but please an attack on our fans or our relationship with them as a p.r. move is uncalled for.

this doesn't need to be reposted anywhere- i am sure that fob fans know where to find it.

chris if you want to talk the phone line is there.

i wrote this pretty fast so i apologize for the typos and run-ons.

until then, thank you to everyone who reserves judgment and has my back until the end of time.

- petey

2/28/06 Q&A

question

IM JUST DYING TO KNOW, WHEN IS “RAINY DAY KIDS” COMING OUT?

answer

ive pushed it back. ill be honest alot of the writing in there was halfassed. words are really the only thing i care about so i want them to be perfect. i will try and figure out a release date and when we do, i will post it. i apologize. i dont want to put out some shitty book.

question

pete i am 13 and have been single my whole life should i stay that way? love ya ~Devon~

answer

its definitely ok to be single when you are 13. you have many years to get in trouble later on. when i was 13 i was into fireworks and skateboarding. girls were not even on my radar.

[hellsbroadcaster]

💚 = What is one thing that makes the mun and muse jealous?

Mun VS Muse — send a symbol! || Accepting

Alastor's jealously is very subtle and petty. He might not show it right away, but he will reveal it eventually and it could be in a very fucked up way or tame way. Depends on what or who it is making him jealous. He can be possessive when it comes to his partners, not particularly liking the idea of sharing, and he won't. What's his is his, no touchy. Its also both really easy and difficult to get him jealous. Its all situational. He's confident enough to not really care or dwell on that stuff, and when he's with a partner he is stable and secure enough to trust his partner only has eyes for him. if they know what's good for them. And then, if someone is provoking him purposely, which is likely the case, he will be super petty about it, showy and in front of whoever it is trying to make him jealous. he don't like playing other peoples games.

As for meeeeeee. Well, I'm human so I do have instances where yes I can be jelly. I try not to be though. Jealously usually stems from our own insecurities and i do have mine, so I can get scared and insecure when I care a lot about someone. I work on healing myself everyday, so its become less of a struggle to not get jealous over things. feeling more secure and confident in myself. i tend to feel a little like someone's second choice a lot? so sometimes I panic when i think someone might not be interested in me anymore. if that makes sense. ive also been on the other side of a jealous person, where my ex thought I as cheating on him with everyone. i couldn't look at a dude without him claiming I wanted to fuck them. and then when he found out I was bisexual, he was sureeee I was cheating on him with women too. so that isn't the kind of behavior I want to give to the people I love. I don't want to put them in that position. If I am uncomfortable or feeling a type of way, need reassurance or something I will talk to you about it. communication is important to me, i need to know too when I do something that upsets you. its how I learn, its how I learn to love you better and be better for you. I'm determined to learn from my past mistakes, and be a better person.

[im-miss-sugar-pink]

Hello,

Hope I'm not bothering you!

Tbh the dude you are talking about doesn't sound good, even if he may be attractive. And fornication isn't worth it one way or another. It will just break your heart.

On a different note: I saw you are going through a hard time, I'm praying for you. Hope you have someone to reach out and confide in who can help irl like friends, or therapist or a priest (or all of them :D). Remember, that you are loved no matter what. <3

thank you

in my heart i know you're completely right and i should 100% listen to you

but my head wants to destroy my body, and the wants of my body want to destroy my spirit and so far recently my head and desires are winning

--

as a long, rambling response:

i know that this guy is not going to be good for me and i know the last guy i was in a situationship with was bad for me and i know i should just stop doing this to myself. and i constantly think of this book i had as a kid called "the princess and the kiss" where basically her "kiss" was a magic glowing light and she saved it and saved it until a poor farmer boy came and told her he had one too that he had saved for her and then thats who she chose over her fancy suitors and they exchanged kisses and got married. i think about that a lot. but im no princess and i gave away what i have years ago. what am i now lol (i started crying just now remembering how much i wanted to be like the princess in this old kids' book and failed)

i just got out of the mental hospital for the THIRD time. third time. in two and a half years. im so tired. it's so much easier to let myself suffer than to actually do anything about it. getting better is difficult and sometimes i dont know if i want to. like. i have to. i have to because if He didn't want me to get better then God would have let me die by now and He would not have put such good people in my life, good people who make sure i end up in the hospital rather than a casket. but it's so hard. it's overwhelmingly difficult to believe that all the positive things i reblog apply to me as well as to everyone else. like oh yeah. im not the exception to the idea that everyone deserves love and mercy and grace. but it's so difficult to actually believe that.

ive been to Mass twice in the past two or three months. only twice. that's probably part of why i feel like shit but i feel so terrible that i feel undeserving of even entering a church? it sucks. then im like. yah i should go to confession. ok good in theory. but ive got this thought stuck in my head like i Know im going to end up partaking in these shitty habitual sins again and again so like why should i say to God that im going to do my best to avoid these sins when i know i wont end up doing that no matter how much i mean it. also it's difficult to get to confession? like im usually busy during or forget about the scheduled times for them and then asking for a priest to hear my confession before Mass is always anxiety-inducing and difficult to do when you don't feel like you can even enter a church.

almost nothing im doing is good for me. and idk how much i care. jk i do care but i dont want to care. i was talking to someone about how i cry all the time because i have so many feelings and everything matters too much, and they were all like well i shut down all my feelings when it gets too hard. that must be nice at times. i feel everything so deeply and can't cut that part of me off and it's overwhelming.

please keep praying for me I don't know how much longer i can do this

[videostak]

i hate that i spent like idk the whole past year of 2023 sorta slowly healing myself piece by piece and also just slowly making little progress getting a job driving learning to be content w/ what happened and then when i see them again just feeling so out of place and just ashamed to exist like :/ like was rly made to feel like i was a genuinely worthless person who didnt even deserve the time of day in that friendship while also being given like constant fake reassurance abt actually bieng a close friend of theirs anytime id like try to confront them abt the way i had been treated and then to just get ghosted after a 3 yeear freindship sooo shitty and tht sucks obv but what makes it worse is that i kno she like def did it because she knew no one cared abt me so no one would give a fuck if i even did bring up her shitty behavior like lol. so weird being idk inducteed into a friend group of ppl who def think ur ugly n a loser but are too fake to say so to ur face and just act alarmingly fake to u. like i rly wonder how they rationalize it in all their heads like its one thing to be treated shittily and fake by one person but a whole group of them u'd think one of them would pull me aside or msg me being like hey we kinda dont like u but insteaed they were fake and not even like putting up w/ me fake but like overtly kind and positive in a way i totally suspected w/ some of the more overtly rude ones lol. liiike i rly do wonder how they rationalize it i guess kinda just being like oh well he was ugly and had no taste of fashion so he deserved it lol like its so idk. like scary cause they all had a faux positivtiy progressiveness to them and theered be times where id be like oh thats kinda red flaggy when theyd drop lil hints at awful behavior but id always brush it aside as smthn they were genuinely working on to remove and to better themselves (anytime id call them out for their behavior theyd avoid accountability by saying they were going to therapy for it and overall blame it on bad mental health which put me in a rly rly fucked situation not wanting to be a person who stops being friends w/ someone cause of mental health issues so i would just always 100% take her word for it even tho she'd treat her actual friends one hundred times better than she did me lol) like so many angles of it being fucked i wish i could just call them out or that one of their friends or any1 they knew would reach out to me saying they were also treated similarly but like the fucked reality is probably that not a single one of their friends gave a shit abt me since day one and could care less abt the way i was treated. like just so insane on so many levels cause it was like so quickly escalated into a close friendship and shed constantly bring up collaborating artistically n musically and would liteerally even come over sometimes just so we could work on music she wrote lol and then like go silent after i contributed something i guess she thouhgt was good lol and would invite me to TONS of shit then would go silent when id actually take her up on her offer and aks for like specifics of where the place she invited me was n stuff. like liteereally invited to dj sets n to go w/ her to record stuff in a studio and stuff like just so insanaaaane who even says that like if u genuinely dont give af abt some1 why constantly drip feed them random shit to them unprompted. just sooo fucked like no half assed apology message after it all or anything just like the moment i was out of her life she moved on just like that while i was still confused abt whatt the hell was even going on. have no idea how to avoid friendships like these but everytime i geet into one it just makes me feel so isolated from like every1 else in the world. i guess this could stop once i get a job with ppl i get along w/ who are my age or once i start taking college classes again. but just so insane i feel like only 1 or 2 of the friendships ive had have been actually normal positive effects on my life every other one is some rly awful person who acts crazy overly nice

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

13 + 32 + 40 for the writer questions!!!

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

a subject i struggle a lot with currently is sex. ive decided for myself to be as explicit as i would dare and juggle all these complicated, complex emotions and burdens the characters bring with them. i was raised without a healthy skillset regarding sex, my sex education in school was comparitively good but i grew up with this very twisted idea that sex = violence, that especially women are victimized by it while men by nature cant help but want to have it. i realized pretty early thats bullshit, but biases and images run deep, especially that fear i have internalized. writing explicitly about sex, queer sex, sex involving men being something else but mindless beasts, is very empowering. at the same time, it is agony. i dont like men like that and i have yet to fully work through my lesbian trauma regarding men and comphet. trying to describe attraction to men, or positive experiences sleeping with men, is so confusing and difficult. in a sense, this too helps me work through my shit but god, is it hard. im saying this with all the love i have. i do not force myself at all, i have this weird thirst for it, this desire to set myself free. but it IS deeply personal. it clearly reflects back to myself what i oftentimes dont want to directly confront.

fuck, i forgot the second part of this question! very quick, here: im good at writing feelings. i mean i sometimes struggle with it, naming them can be hard and sometimes i dont know what i even want to say while im writing. but when i do know, im pretty good at weaving it into the story, at staying on the pulse of the character, at keeping very close to their heart and letting their thoughts, their innermost soul, just unspool and unravel. its something i love to read and writing it, once ive muddled through my shit, is cathartic and fun. im prone to being a little more poetic in my style, and it lends itself well to breaking open a character like a fruit, exposing their soft insides

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you? and 40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

alright, so when i was small, my grandfather used to read poetry to me. he is a pretty good storyteller and i love him very much. everytime im reading from the author he read to me, i have his voice and his mannerism in my ear; where he set a pause, where he lifted his voice, where he grew louder, what he chose to emphasize. (he is still alive and well, we've just not done this in a while.) and of the poetry there is one poem that still positively haunts me, it is brilliant, hilarious, and creative. i can practically semi-recite it on the spot, with his style of performance in my heart. i found a great english translation, lemme put it here for you to oggle at!!!

Palmstroem, old, an aimless rover, walking in the wrong direction at a busy intersection is run over.

"How," he says, his life restoring and with pluck his death ignoring, "can an accident like this ever happen? What's amiss?

"Did the state administration fail in motor transportation? Did police ignore the need for reducing driving speed?

"Isn't there a prohibition, barring motorized transmission of the living to the dead? Was the driver right who sped…?"

Tightly swathed in dampened tissues he explores the legal issues, and it soon is clear as air: Cars were not permitted there!

And he comes to the conclusion: His mishap was an illusion, for, he reasons pointedly, that which must not, can not be.

"The Impossible Fact" by Christian Morgenstern, tl. Max Knight, original & translation here!

ask me weird writers questions!

[highpriestess-stuff]

Fake it till u make it

So its been basically a month since ive started on my self love Journey i didnt realize how much i actually needed it or how much of a difference it was actually going to make but ive been journaling the whole process and im starting to see how dramatically my mood has been im proving ive also started to go to therapy to help with my anger and just learn positive better ways to communicate rather than just being my old impulsive self who knew the way i had been living in my early 20s was really going to affect me LOL not me thought i was having the time of my life LOOOOL ... so here i am trying to put back all these broken pieces from the worst break up ive ever had to losing someone so important in my life who died in a car accident trying to get over my guilt from that realizing that it would've happened regardless ... it had really taken over my mental and now i no longer want to depend on anyone else to come and fix me and put me back together no thank you im good. Ive also started to create more of a routine for myself and really indulging in on the things that truly make me happy because i genuinely started hating everything because of my stupid ex thank u so much (rolling eyes) to the point i stopped watching movies! can you believe that i even stopped getting my nails done! i chopped off all my hair because these were all things that we did together or he really loved about me and i wanted to eliminate everything that possibly reminded me of him... but i didn't realize how negatively it was impacting my everyday life... so here i am being forced to live again.. i guess u just gatta fake it till you make it ay?

So my daily routine of self love consists of: 1) Showering and just imagining all my sadness and negative thoughts being washed away and going down the drain and stepping out into a happier version of my self 2) listening to Self-Love affirmations while i get ready or when im doing my skin care routine which i found on youtube 3) I also try pulling a card from my tarot deck and just reflecting on it through out the day to help me better understand myself and my life and it really helps me get grounded and be in the present Night time routine: 4) I try to meditate for at least 10 mins depending on what im in the mood for that day (Chakra balancing , Divine Feminine) 5) Journaling... about whatever i want to rant about 6) Practice Gratitude daily for at least 5-10 mins which can also be found on youtube 7) Read a bit before bedtime

I know its a lot to fit into 1 day but i promise you doing these things had really helped my mood a lot and just be happy and fortunate for all the i have sometimes we just cant see how truly blessed we are and doing these things made me really enjoy my life more and be more motivated then i was before and there are going to be days where you dont want to stick to your routine and thats okay too! but having a solid routine has really helped me because sometimes we can just feel so unstable and lost. My next thing to add to the list will be yoga right now i just try to do little workouts at home for movement but i heard yoga is really great for trauma survivors and i would just like to give that a try and see how it goes.

[koishua]

hi vienna ,, tbh u dont need to read this bc idk if itd be triggering (body image issues) and id rather u not trouble urself bc of me but id like to vent somewhere and i dont have any1 to talk 2 so pls feel free to ignore .

ive always been overweight for my age but i never faced any bullying abt it other than some very occasion name calling of "fat" in elementary school and my family's disaproval for the way i look. as i grew up, i started to feel more comfortable around others despite not being satisfied with the way i look and i assumed that as kids mature they become more accepting, bc i had never been truly bullied b4 i just assumed it might be rare in communities such as where i lived compared to some of the horror stories i had heard. anyways all my life i had assumed people had been seeing me for more than what i looked like, i always tried to be kind and make a good impression on other but ig that's not true. as much as i love my circle of friends, im not sure i can see them same after what happened on friday. it isnt even their fault, i just feel very insecure now. but basically in 1 of my classes, we had a change in seating so i no longer sat near my friends but 2 acquantainces (they're rlly sweet girls but idk them too well) and this one guy that i also dont know very well other than that in 8th grade he had dated an old friend of mine for a little bit. but anywyas tbh i feel like im just being dramatic but i srsly can't get his conversation out of my mind . the boy was sat next to me and talking to his friend, their convo alr starting off on a wierd note abt kanye west. and the guy next to me (ill call him ray to make it easy) starts off by saying that kanye's note all that bad and has said some pretty true things. ray then goes on to say that fat people dont deserve to exist and body positivity is a completely stupid subject bc it only encourages obesity and unhealthy habits. all the while he's saying this, seated right next to me and im pretty sure he was glancing at me while saying it too . those 90 minutes were the most uncomfortable in my entire life. i was literally panicking while he was talking abt it and it's all that i can think of now. their conversation was truly disturbing to me and my confidence feels as if its completely tanked . his comments of "fat people are gross" and "being fat shouldnt be celebrated" keep ringing in my head everytime i go out or see myself in a mirror. i genuinely feel so broken and it hurts that theyve probably dont realize the effect of their words but also it hurts that that's all they can see me as. not another human being or a classmate but just "fat". idk where im going with this but i dont feel ok and i feel so exhausted now ,, just the thought of having to see ray's face again or hear his voice is scaring me . maybe im just overthinking but i cant help but wonder if my friends picture me the same way. am i even deserving of love if im so "ugly" . my friends sometimes comment that i look way older than my age or that i could pass for college aged and even comments like those are hard to brush off for me. sometimes i wonder if i should restrain my jokes and personality to stay kind bc that's all i am to them. just a source of comfort, and if i dont do that then i could be easily execused. im always scared of saying the wrong thing but now i keep wondering if it would never even matter bc all anyone will ever see me as is "fat" . it's not like i haven't tried to lose weight so i rlly hate everything that ray said and its srsly put me thru sm turmoil . anyways i shld keep this brief (sorry for the rant) and im sorry again for using ur inbox to rant , i rlly hope this doesn't cause you any pain or you find it triggering :( i apologize if it has caused you any concern or pain. i hope ur good and stay happy vie

tw: body image and weight talk

hello, dear :( let me start this off by saying that don't worry, i am perfectly alright and am glad that you feel it's safe enough to vent and write your feelings out in my inbox. you don't have to apologize for anything! i am the one who says that they're open if anyone needs to rant or vent. i would never judge. i had to read this a few times in order to collect my thoughts, so pardon me for delaying this a bit. i wasn't sure if you wanted my direct response, so i will just keep it short.

i won't say that i completely understand what you've been through and i can't speak on experiences i haven't personally lived through. however, as another human being, i will say this: you absolutely deserve to exist. i hope you never ever doubt that. i know how difficult it is to deal with comments about your appearance and it angers me so much that you're treated this way. i get how the side comments every now and then feels. bullying is horrible, but this is just as bad for someone's self esteem and health. im truly so sorry and wish i could do something for you, but i can't because of obvious reasons (that being me being just an online presence and not there with you).

i just want to reassure you that no matter what anyone says, you deserve love and life and goodness. a lot of people don't understand how difficult it is when you don't weigh below a certain number or how isolated that could make someone feel regardless if they're mentioned or not. everyone is so much more than just their appearance. idk how else i could help you other than to strongly remind you that you are you and that should be enough for your friends and that people should learn to keep their mouths shut on their opinions about other people's appearance. it doesn't matter if you lose the weight or if you tell them you struggle a lot with it. those people should reassess the way they're treating another human being with real feelings and thoughts. never lose who you are and trying to be what other people need and want you to be. it may end up making things worse, i know, and im not sure if you've ever told them directly that their words are extremely rude and hurtful and that they should stop, but someone (even if it's not you yourself) really, really should.

i pray that none of what i said has further upset you in any way. if so, i sincerely apologize :( i genuinely hope that this never happens to you again and that you'll have a greater year than ever and that you'll find wholehearted acceptance and love from those you are surrounded by and that you'll slowly but surely feel comfortable in your own skin. take care and you're loved! people like the ray you mentioned are not worth feeling bad over.

[lostinlogan]

Ok, we're a bit of a standstill here.

Damn its been an interesting week.

Like I really cant even lie its not even been that much spice but from where we were of getting NO PLAY whatsoever, to like , having two girls show even just the slightest bit of interest is like incredible, for me. And its been good because I can se the work that I've put in. Like I was in an uber with this girl for like 20 min and I was funny, listening, was able to hold a conversation, DRIVE the conversation and these are all skills that I didn't have had like two, three, five years ago. All of the internal monologues that ive had with myself while listening and analyzing the speech patterns of people that I've identified as good communicators has to a certain degree paid off. I wont share too many details here but I recently joined this group that meets once a week. I've been goign for about 4 weeks but my friend that i know from outside of the group joined this week for the first time and while they were talking to another member of the group I guess i cam up intheir conversation and I received a compliment about my openness and personality from a group member. Like my reputation has preceded me in a positive way which is BIG jump from just like being another no-name in the background. So I was a little proud of that.

So again, two women, in the same week have showed an interest in me, the problem now is that I'm not really sure if I want them, not even want them but want the weight of a girlfriend. This is the problem with like learning and growing and becoming a better communicator as a man its that understanding the weight of being a good boyfriend or even friend for that matter like actually is. I know what it takes to be a good partner and it take s a lot of work and communication and I"m not sure that's something I want to do right now. Or maybe its not something I want to do for these two women, I'm not sure.

My dilemma is that yes, I want to have a physical and emotional relationship but I don't really want to put in the work to make that happen, partly because I'm really happy with my own personal growth right now and don't want to mess that up but also because I don't see myself long term with either of these people and it feels wrong to like put on the good guy act when I know deep down there's really no weight behind it.I don't really have good long term intentions. But like is that so wrong??

I want like a friendly hookup. I want to find friends really but partners that I respect and care for but also am able to hook up with? i think that is actually normal and fine but the problem is ME, I AM BOYFRIEND MATERIAL BUT I WANT TO BE A SLUT. How do I become a slut without falling into the male manipulator andrew tate mold? Like in the Uber i was telling this girl about my job and what I don=, personally I donthtink its that impressive but Its good money and more than a lot of other people make and like.. her eyes just like up, like she had just found the one and I don't like the feeling of being projected on like that. And she was cool and fun and had a good personality but if that's where this relationship is heading then I do not want any parts of that.

LOL, my brand is earnest good guy because I think that's what comes naturally to me and its something I enjoy. Listening to the stories and perspectives of women has actually been such an enriching experience and has added such a depth of color to my own life. And in the partner that I find, i want to continue to do that but I just don't want the be center of those stories. Sometimes I find myself on the peripheries of peoples life and I tend to like it there, or I've become just become accustomed to it; rearguards its a place that I feel comfortable in.

OK but will say, I've been working on he body, been in the gym, getting the diet (almost) entirely locked in and that been rewarding in itself but i think it will help me get to my goal of reaching the hookup culture that everyone else is talking about. Like if I can get in physical shape get to what i consider to be sexy, then I fell like all the other stuff is true , but i feel like people will start projecting Slut instead of steady, hallmark boyfriend. But yes, your mom will love me and I will love her back.