#and i sometimes i feel like ive put myself in a position where he is expected to be for others characters

[autobotmedic]

Question relevant to others comfort:

It is uncommon for me to discuss ic or make ooc comments relevant to dark or suggestive content, so I've reached a point that I don't feel like it's necessary to worry about a second blog that I barely use. BUT some people consider this blog/ratch to be a comfortable space as is, so I'd rather ask first, regardless.

[melomelomuskmelon]

Melon headcannonz!!

aka.. why i believe this fucking thing has a personality disorder.

He has NPD [narcissistic personality disorder] PLEASE do not take this as "i'm headcannoning the abusive serial killer with the evil bitch disorder because he's evil and kills people", i myself am a narcissist, and melon shows.. a lot of narc traits i relate to, like first off the lack of empathy and utter disregard or understanding of other beasts, yeah this is kinda just.. a hybrid thing in beastars but MAN, also he.. clearly has a fragile ego and a very vivid view of himself, melon is 'the love's failure, the devil of the back alley market, the cruel failed product of love' a persona he is so attatched to that he refuses to stray away of this view of himself and accept any sort of change for the better. in fact! dolph and miguel state that putting yourself down and praising him is the best way to pacify melon.,,,, narc shit. in fact! the few times people have called melon out or challanged his view of himself he's lashed out. [legoshi attempting to sympathize with him in vol 15, melon leads up to his theatric attempt to murder him right after legoshi states he doesn't view melon as a bad person, also agata calling him imoral for eating meat he does not know the species of,,,,, to which he stabs the poor fucker in the hand with a fork.] and,, ok narc pov here, i also get incredably pissed and violent when the complex version of myself that is built in my head is challaged.. ive never reached. melon levels as i'm a human person and not a shonen antagonist, but i HAVE. gotten violent before at my persona being threatened. but seriously melon honey, just bite yourself and zone out to marina and the diamonds while you list reasons you're better than evreybdy else in your head. thats what i do. it,,,,, helps?? also an interesting detail is his suicide attempt at the end of the manga, again this is my narc bias, but i feel like post-meat loving day he's absolutley going on an ego spiral, the attention and support of nearly the whole back alley gets to his head and mabye i look into his actions too much but he seems a lot more erratic after this. i am not trying to speak for all narcs here but theres this almost.. mania-like state ive gotten into after getting a lot of positive attention and it can make me spiral into bad patterns, thats what i think is going on with melon. and even like.. after he finds out the back alley is being demolished; the back alley. the source to feed his ego is dissapearing, he spirals!! he tries to play it off because he's in front of a bunch of people causing him to resort to being theatrical again, but he tries to kill himself. a part of him feels he's nothing withought the [to him] pathetic carnevores groveling for him, entertained by how unpredictable he is, so what else is there once you loose your ego supply? so he tries to kill himself, he tries to kill himself while also trying to make his death a dramatic statement with the whole "this land will be forever tainted if a hybrid died here right now in front of evreybody" he's still trying to get attention and fuel his ego by going down in infamy. but yeah i,,,, this was supposed to just be a list of funny headcannons but i wrote too much about my npd headcannon for melon...... i'll have to post the funnier ones after this sometime. and i again wanna state melon isn't perfect npd rep, he's.. litterally the "evil manipulative abusive bastard" steriotype that plauges the npd community. but i do see my traits in him and wanted 2 yap about it. melon go to therapy and fuccking run a tumblr blog where you shitpost to like 10 loyal mutuals, it gives you the same attention high i fucking promise.

[crowleys-hips]

ventish post

i feel like i sort of ceased to exist since july. i felt a blow nearly as hard as one i felt 4 years ago when i lost someone who's still very dear to me. and since then stuff has just kept happening and happening and happening and i stopped writing my novel and fell back on old bad habits and it really has felt like an exile of sorts. i've expressed it better in some of my poems, both GO and non GO, but that's just the tip of the iceberg tbh.

and i didn't even notice when, but i've recently realized that i also sort of stopped reading, when i used to read every day, all the time. now i sometimes manage to read maybe a short one shot. idk what's happened to me, but i feel like i've lost a huge part of me and years of my youth. like a christian finding out jesus' body has recently been found. or worse, like he never existed. and now it's hard to know where to put my faith in. i guess the right answer should be myself. but i've never known how to live for myself alone. but i want to learn. otherwise this will keep happening. and i know i should go back to therapy, but i feel like im too sick for therapy, if that makes sense.

anyway, my point is that, im really trying to get back on my feet. try to really exist again. act like a human and not fall back on my ghost tendencies. but everything is so overwhelming, like there's so much to do i end up not doing any of it. i stare at all my unread books and fics ive saved for later and im afraid later won't ever come. like i'll never catch up. and it kills me. bc i want to know more of all these brilliant minds, but ive been buried under the rubble of my dreams. im a writer who's forgotten how to read. im an artist who's forgotten how to hold a pen. a musician who now only stares at the piano longingly. my plants are dying and i let them. i want myself back, and i really am trying, but most of the time it feels like i go one step forward and three steps back. i just don't know how to deal with so much death without feeling like i also died. im trying so hard to dig myself out, and prove im not dead yet, but i keep falling asleep, and haunting my own dreams. but im fucking trying. i swear i am.

finally did some watering and pruning yesterday. started a painting and failed miserably but at least now i know what to not do. didn't drink for two nights in a row. my streak was 2 and 1/2 months lol. still writing poems, trying to write more again. i got today free, so i think i'll use today to just let myself read again and try not to feel guilty that "i'm not doing anything" bc i am. watching this fandom's great supportive, caring, and positive attitude has helped. and ofc my dearest friends and my beloved. despite everything, im glad i found this place.

[seeingivy]

Do you draw inspiration from.your own life (events, emotions...) to write ?

HEAVILY!!!!

I think this is something I do specifically for my longer form fics...the one shot tend to be more of the sporadic, cute scenarios I imagine while I go to sleep. but longer form fics are where I really start digging into my own life and putting my own thoughts/feelings into it

a few examples:

roommate eren: actually doesn't really apply, because that was so early into my writing.

method acting eren: (gets bullet points)

eren as a character and y/n as characters I feel have parts of myself that I often feel like are at war with in my own head lol (which is why they have conflict!!)

y/n gets swayed by people around her so quickly and cares about what people think - a little too much. eren is also just deeply self destructive at times and so in his own head that he can't see what's in front of him at all. those two things combined are not a pretty combo, which is why x y and z happens in method acting.

historia's whole being jealous of y/n arc is based of me in real life!!! struggle with real life comparisons so hard and it can be something that is so obsessive for me. when the song lacy came out, it was the first time I really felt seen in the way that wanting to be like someone else so bad can be so all consuming that I wanted to kind of include that in the fic, esp how it pertains to female friendships (will say, all the reception I got about that character and that friendship soothed a lot of rough spots in my heart about that so I appreciate you all)

lana's struggles with love - particulary the part that she has bad relationships of love modeled to her, hence why she originally puts up with ricky in the first place is also based on me (guys this fic is so self indulgent please leave me alone ok) and I haven't reached the whole self actualized love part but i'll get there! (thank you for all the love on the lana character I could cry if I thought about it)

also a bit more deep, but a lot of criticism that I got about the fic (esp after the whole reveal of why eren did what he did) was like "oh he could have just told her" "I don't get why he didn't" was kind of meant to be a more subtle thing of how when you love someone who is struggling with mental illness/bad environments (which at that point he was in a kind of abusive relationship with his producer so), it's often that the way that they cope or react as a byproduct is sometimes something that doesn't make sense/isn't logical - and is no way that something to put up with (which is literally why she doesn't), but it's also why eren is more logical and rational when he gets help. you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped (which at that point he didn't want to) and they need to put their own work in (which eren obv does after everything that happens)

^^ (this is based on relationships that i've had in my own life but also feeling put in that position of doing things that weren't rational and didn't make sense that hurt people and later realizing when I put the work in what a lot of that actually was and trying to have grace with it)

kind of random, but I always imagine method acting sasha as poc. I didn't want to say it explicit so people didn't start beefing with me about x y and z, but that's why she doesn't get the same treatment as y/n or mikasa. (not saying that y/n is white or fits beauty standards, but she's a self insert so I can't exactly assign her a race so the same point can't be made). but for the sasha character, it's kind of those feelings that poc/darker skinned girls get of not being the person anyone is interested in, the girl who is always funny and never pretty, super motherly but never the girl anyone has a crush on. anyways. (sincerely the token mom friend in highschool!!!)

best friends older brother sukuna:

so like. ive never talked to my best friends older brother. he is thirty. and he's also married to a sweetie pie.

THAT BEING SAID

a big part of that fic is obviously intimacy - but more the fact that there's a lot of depth to intimacy beyond sex - especially for people who have bad first experiences and how they kind of have to grapple with that afterwards (I will not elaborate on how I relate to this. connect dots.)

AND ALSO. sibling relationships is a big part of that fic. I have two older siblings (and the fic also has two older siblings). the relationships that I have with both of them are so dynamically different - in terms of good sibling/bad sibling (if that's even a thing, which the point is kind of that it's more complicated than that) and also younger/older dynamics

^^I won't elaborate more on that but just know in that fic that i've had my fair share of sammy and my fair share of sukuna - but also had my moments where i'm immature and not fair like y/n and yuuji. so.

thanks for this ask it was so fun!!! so sorry I yapped....and overshared.....

[fruitybashir]

Thank you for sharing the list of WIPs! I'm especially excited about the "bottom Kris" instalment. I love how you describe people's communication in sexual encounters, so, considering what we have read so far, it will be about starting doing things not done before, getting used to the new stuff, etc. Am I guessing it correctly? ☺️ And do not put any pressure on yourself, let the flow of creativity wave 🌊 like the ocean you're currently on ☺️

Also, I'm going to the JO gig this upcoming Saturday and cannot wait to scream along with the real Bojan "Spet me k tebi vleče", while having Holidate!Bojan in my mind as well 😊

Wishing you all the best ☺️!

yessss kinda! its not something super new, but its a lot about figuring things out, testing what works and feels best etc

ill put the link to an old ask here if i remember after posting but ive mentioned before that holidate kris has bottomed before, he just didnt like it. but its been years since then and the times where he tried it, he was at first an inexperienced teen, and another time with some random hook up, so he figures. well. maybe those were just really bad bc of the circumstances. but now hes in a stable, long term relationship (this is probably a few months after dopamin i think) with someone he loves and who he has amazing sex with, maybe it will be a different outcome.

theres a lot of trust and communication when they have sex and when they gradually explore more sides to it, not just new kinks but also like. idk how to word myself, im typing this out crouched on a concrete pillar watching the cruiseship park lol. basically like yes, theyre both still kinda vanilla but that doesnt mean that theres not still a whole lot you can discover about your partner all the time and figure out boundaries and what the other likes or doesnt like and maybe try out something new and they do that occasionally. sometimes its good, sometimes they decide they didnt like that, but it doesnt lessen their chemistry even then.

so kris feels very safe in approaching bojan about wanting to try bottoming again, even if it turns out he still doesnt like it. he obviously knows how much bojan enjoys it, so he knows theres a lot of pleasure to get on the receiving end and maybe they just need to find the correct way for him to get the same experience. so the whole thing is about that, him wanting to try it again and then figuring out if he likes it, what he likes or doesnt like about it, maybe what position he feels most comfortable in (bc he also has the whole being the one in control deal), if theres a way to make it so good for him that it can be a repeat thing, etc etc

a lot of talking, some frustration, some realisations, lots of trust and love and love and love

[kreuiza]

yeah i know you’re here but i need to vent without bothering anyone

this still sucks like it still hurts letting it be and being honest and having to say i’m not coming back but it’s the truth ive just became so over it recently

like i wanted it to work i did but i just don’t see the point of it anymore simply just is what happened and there’s no changing that and i can try to change someone and you will change for those you love but that change shouldn’t come with the awareness of it

it’d just causally happen i changed for him and i didn’t even peep it but he couldn’t and would constantly tell me he wouldn’t change for me

but who am i to even ask that from him i didn’t go out with him with the intention of changing him

but i also should’ve realize that that isn’t what i wanted or needed in my life and in no way does that make him a bad person or a bad relationship we just simply didn’t know if we were compatible and we tried it and we weren’t

i don’t regret it at all i may have lost my best friend but in the end it is better than watching him fall in love with someone else in front of me knowing how i felt about him

i love him i truly always will but im just not in love anymore it’s so easy to fall back in love when i see him and to want to hold his hand or kiss him but those are all just memories now

he is gone and i am gone no bad blood no good blood either just no blood

we are just out of each others lives and i will always wish him good but it won’t be to the same extent it will just be to the extent i wish any human being good luck

i feel okay i don’t feel like sobbing every day and it’s getting easier to accept the reality of the situation

he wasn’t ready and he had unfinished things to work through and i simply saw it before he did and told him about it but he wasn’t ready to accept it and inevitably it lost me

i would like to say i was supposed to work on myself this year as well and now the year is almost over and i have not grown as much as i wanted for focusing on someone else above me i had so many plans i put off for it which is not okay and until i know how to manage that and manage myself i should not try to add someone in addition to my life

in honest words i do not want someone else or am looking for someone else i just simply can’t stay in a position where im starting to feel like an option and not a need

and the words that were coming out of his mouth even not meaning to sounded manipulative in the aspect of he said if i were to leave he wouldn’t come back

which i took as a “if you leave don’t come back” because of the fact of him telling me if i left he wouldn’t chase me anymore meaning if i chased him he would reject me in that same way which is fine that he would reject me that’s not the issue but it’s the ultimatum of you leave and it’s over or at least what it felt like

and i have fought for enough people to stay in my life family to stay friends lovers to know that it doesn’t matter

fighting doesn’t mean anything i made my decision i am leaving it in the past and moving forward with my life and it feels sad and lonely at times but i felt lonely with him there too

i no longer had an instant teammate who was with me against it all he is simply just another person now

very bittersweet you see this person you used to love adore even and now they just turn to this person you don’t even know anymore

very sad losing people will never not suck i don’t care how many people ive lost this feeling will never be normal for me it always hurts

but i know ill live and ill be okay and its for the best at least as of now

i cannot tell you for a fact this is right but it is what feels right to me and i ought to listen to myself sometimes

i am not dumb nor stupid and me saying that about myself is dulling my actual thinking skills

i know what is right from wrong and i’m normalizing the fact that im wrong more often than right but i also never try to be right or try to put my word above others for the soul fact of not knowing if im correct to them

and i may be wrong that is completely fine but ive been wrong so many times its hard to even trust myself and my decisions but if i know fully know that what im feeling is correct i am going to stand with it because i may not know facts but i have always been good with feelings and understanding them from things that i should’ve never have had to see or deal with but it made me the person i am and i should trust one of the only skills i do have

[ridgeworld2006]

A VERY RIDGEWAY HALLOWEEN 1: THE BRIEF ONES

DAY 1- Firestarter: "it was mid but the ending was cool and the soundtrack fuckt" DAY 2- Prince of Darkness: "great buildup but the climax stinks. Lots of nice ideas in it though and a great soundtrack again" Day 6- Talk To Me: "the plot was kinda shit but the scares were nice and sickening, just the way i like em" Day 8- Videodrome: "super fucking weird but still actually really good. Wasn't too sure about it in the beginning but was sold by the end. Good body horror as well but i'd encourage anyone giving it a watch to look further than just that" Day 9- You Are Not My Mother: "mixed but fairly positive feelings. Horror was good and I liked the central concept as well as the lesbian love story, but the 'main' bully was SO over the top that anything involving her was hard to take seriously. The very end also felt a little pointless and slapped on." Day 15- Brain Damage: "an okay "so bad it's good" movie but nothing more" (i am SO full of shit for this... how can you see the blowjob scene and not recognize a masterpiece) Day 19- The Blob: ""What's ten million dead if it's keeping out the Russians?" SURPRISINGLY good! brian is hawt and actually CORRECT and hes never framed as being a dick for it AND him and meg DONT EVEN KISS AT THE END!!! IT'S A HALLOWEEN MIRACLE!!" Day 20- Motel Hell: "it was bad" (fucking duh idiot) "but in a "so bad it's good" way." (fucking duh idiot) "chainsaw duel whips ass" Day 22- Candyman: "holy shit this was good. Definitely another one that deserves another watchthrough to properly digest everything, and the horror is perfect along with the incredible soundtrack. feel the ending may be a little bit questionable but not really my place to say for sure i suppose" (ok... lol) Day 22 (again, making up for 21)- Candyman (2021): "This one felt more straightforward thematically (at least to me) and lines up startlingly well with some ideas i've been playing with myself. Not so much scary or disturbing like the original was, but what it lacks there it makes up for in being morbidly fascinating instead." Day 23- An American Werewolf in London: "late to add my commentary but it's not very good but is at least funny." (POST-MORTEM CLARIFICATION: THIS IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING "SO-BAD-ITS-GOOD") "Every line is like this: David: fuck... i can feel the werewolf coming inside me... whatserface: haha omg thats so crazy. ur so hot btw" Day 26- Puppet Master: "I was told the first one was good. i was lied to" Day 27- The Lighthouse: "another movie i should rewatch sometime to give it a deeper look. the first time a psychological thriller actually felt like a thriller to me lol. also the oceanic horror did it a hundred times better than lovecrafts dumb ass ever did just by having restraint" Day 29- The Wicker Man: "this is the best worst movie i've ever watched, hands down. it takes itself so seriously but is the goofiest fuckin shit ive ever seen put to screen. this movie definitely left its target audience cuz i was rooting for the townspeople the entire time. like yeah id do that too if i had to deal with this dude for an hour and 40 minutes" Day 31- FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S... "watched with friends, as expected it was bad but funny bad until the end where it got so stupid it actually made me mad. also i shit you not the credits music was the fnaf 1 song"

[pwblogarchive]

February 2006

February 1, 2006

paris in a flash. breath in the air. love is the kind of magic you save for when you are cornered. its your backup. sing a scandal. papparazi on songs. tu es belle.

2/1/06 Q&A

question

are you aware that people are saying that theyll go to many of your shows on the black clouds and underdogs tour that they really arent going to go to? i noticed on the my local bands thing that people from arizona said that theyre going to the columbia show. does this mean theyre getting more points than everyone else? is this fair? what about all the honest kids out there that just want to see you guys and have fun? thanks! love you pete!

answer

we’re weeding out the cheaters. dont worry. keeping it honest will pay off in the end.

question

hey pete, at the aol sessions thing, why was andy in a whole different room? k well shelby

answer

he smells terrible. no. well haha- in order to record live drums and have it sound okay its better to isolate each instrument- especially with cymbals.

question

Yo Pete. I got my bamboozle tickets and I was wondering…are you guys gonna play like 4 songs, or a full set?

answer

we are most definitely going to play a full set.

question

have u ever taken a naked picture with nothing but a box of frosted flakes covering ur pieces and spaces? my myspace friend tony has… get it cuz tony the tiger……

answer

doesnt he wear like a bandana? thats kind of erotic.

question

PETER! So are you really engaged and having a baby?

answer

totally. we live in a castle in the sky and my backyard is made out of clouds. its real great except for when the dragon comes around.

question

hey love…my little sister is getting major surgery next week (7yrs old)….shes getting a feeding tube put into her stomach, and this time theyre going to have to move her organs around and try not to puncture them…and she loves you and patrick, you especially (she only listens to songs where she hears you in it..screaming)so if you have anything to say to her…cuz shes a wreck over this…she should be…and any suggestions for me, because…right now shes emotionally stronger over this than i am…i just keep on thinking if something goes wrong….anyway, thanx pete

answer

prettymuch you just need to think positively. you have not been made sisters by a series of accidents or coincidences. clearly, you love eachother and the best thing you can do is be there for her. ill think about her before i go to sleep tonight.

question

I heard that FOB is breaking up is it true xo

answer

no way. we are on our second honeymoon.

question

Ive never met you. All I know about you are internet rumors and what is on this website. And for some reason I find this easier to say to you than anyone I know. Im going through a really hard time in my life, where I feel that I dont fit in. Even with my close friends. At church, at home, everywhere. I dont even know myself now. Im so confused about everything, Im questioning my own religion, my morals, whats right and wrong…everything. I dont know what to do, and I have times when I just want to give up. I keep a razor in the drawer next to my bed just in case. I need help…and I dont feel like I can tell anyone, but just typing this all down makes me feel slightly better, knowing that maybe someone might read this and care about a small town nobody gives me enough strength to go on for another day.

answer

i totally understand what you are saying. i wish i could say that it all goes away, but i think these are things that will plague us all until our deathbed. i would definitely throw the razor away, you dont need it- its not a solution- sometimes its easier to take it kind of one breath at a time… you know? its easier in small steps.

question

What does “im two quarters in a heart down” mean?

answer

i was trying to through to someone on a payphone, it was a 50 cent call from where i was to them.

February 2, 2006 

1:16 pm 

this city helps me forget love doesn't bore me. it disappoints me. there is a pile of lamps and clocks stuck on 11:11. cause i wish i could fucking believe you. 

February 6, 2006

Amsterdam to los angeles.

I am in love with being home.

If you come out to the house of blues in la tommorrow we are playing a super smal show with: jacks mannequin and shiny toy guns. Its already sold out but were gonna give out 5 free tickets. Don’t get your hopes too high.

You aren’t my goodluck charm anymore.

February 7, 2006

momma and poppa are cute. they were all at the hob la show. my dad says "will you please introduce your mother to jay-z". jigga and my mommy totally chatted.

wow.

oh and the show was amazing.

- petey

2/07/06 Q&A

question

Sometimes you write about seeing “old fall out boy fans” at shows. How can you tell? No way you recognize all those faces. Also, I just wanted to say that my first memory of FOB was in the local section (i guess cause andy is from menomonee falls and the store was in milwaukee) of a record store by my house a few years ago & now the same band is on TV & t-shirts across the nation. fall out boy: what a trip.

answer

my visual memory is pretty good. usually i can remember faces. sometimes i am off. but i definitely remember kids in every single town. i can’t remember any names ever- my auditory memory is terrible.

question

JT LeRoy mystery solved: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11215643/page/2/  

answer

disappointing.

February 8, 2006 

5:04 am 

so you want the truth been living just outside of okay for awhile now. but its changing. whatever story you heard about me is not true. im pretty sure im not gonna bring home a grammy tommorrow. but i will have lots of good pictures. how i am feeling about someone is always changing. except i am allowed to be happy inside my head right now. ive been scared of everything for far too long. i haven't let myself be alright. but ive done alot of thinking on the 12 hour flight here. i just like being around certain people. new friends make my heart flutter. old ones make me feel homesick. been going to grammy parties all week. yeah im that guy in the corner lurking hard. its kinda creepy. ive been training the last month for our video- however i think i may have sprained or fractured my foot in the last day. if this thing turns out the way it is supposed to- it will be the most epic thing fall out boy has ever done. i dont miss you but i do miss the idea of you. i went and looked at houses out in california again today- i want to get a dog and a backyard. maybe not just yet. but maybe. my clock is ticking on your pretty face. my dad got drunk tonight and talked shit to all of my friends. pretty amazing. i wish i had it on video. total release the bats two material. i want to do a tv show like the wonder years starring fall out boy. i don't think any networks would be too interested. dont call it a comeback. put pennies on my eyes when i die. you are new moons and fresh sheets and the end of that one dream. love the fancy kid. 

2/09/06 Q&A

question

do you ever wish you could start life all over again?

answer

yes. i think about it all the time. i would try and be more honest and not make so many mistakes.

question

I am holding my breath until the new Fall Out Boy video. When do you expect it to be finished?

answer

itll be done filming on tuesday- i promise you this is one of a kind. do not expect dance, dance again.

2/10/06

question

In the video Dance, Dance, you wispered to Patrick something. What did you whisper? And what was your favorite album and video that you made?

answer

“ive got to pee so bad”

question

pete, are you and ashlee simpson sexing?? ~the boardies P.S. she doesnt love you like we do

answer

okay just because this question has been asked one million times— we are friends. she is a sweet girl. ps- i could never lololove a girl as much as the boardies.

question

so what products do you use to keep your face blemish free?

answer

pore cleanser, reinvigorator, and a t-zone moisturizer by ponds.

question

why is Patrick the on;y one who smiles in like all of your albums and postres and stuff? i mean i was looking at the cover to “take tis to your grave” and patrick was the only one smiling.

answer

he makes us all super sad right before the pictures are taken always. and then smiles cause he likes it when people are sad. or the other answer is i dunno.

February 19, 2006

things that both currently annoy and amuse me:

ariplanes

"hottie mchottie" and other hilarious lines that should not be said.

east coast weather.

west coast girls.

yawning.

being awake all night.

i am tired.

- petey

February 19, 2006

posted from petes friends or enemies blog

February 19, 2006

i feel like howl from howls moving castle embodies every single feeling that goes through my head.

that is all. i am in the lobby of a hotel in new york city waiting for something that isn't ever going to happen.

i am calculating all of the legs and drunken stutters. i am precise. i am a machine. i am a hot mess.

- petey

February 19, 2006

i heard fall out boy on the radio for pretty much one of the first times ever last night. it made me once again realize that 99 percent of the reason anyone will ever like this band is because patrick has the best voice on the planet. that kid is the golden ticket.

i want a girl that wont laugh at anyone elses jokes.

i want a girl i can love in hour increments.

i want all of my ex loves to love me forever.

the new video will suprise you.

pictures soon at:

www.clandestine.buzznet.com  

www.friendsorenemies.com  

February 19, 2006

we put the f.u. back in fun so ive been reading many peoples diatribes lately. about what punk rock is and how bullshit this whole scene is. about how we all need to fuck off and die. well the truth is youre so fucking brave and i am so fucking cliche. i am okay with that. but i believe in these songs and these eyes and these sweated out rooms. the words your write hurt my eyes and my back is sore from being hunched over the screen all night. you cheapen what i do by casually throwing barbed statements at my friends and fans. leave. we don't fucking need you. we dont care what you think about us. we dont need to sit in clubs and watch you excuse yourself to the bathroom every 20 minutes, just cause we know how it goes. we dont need to watch you onstage. the best songs sing themselves. ive said it since day one. this is my rushmore. this saved me. fuck you for trying to ruin it. new songs are my middle finger back to you. im sorry youre gonna have to wait awhile to hear yourself called out through the speakers. i love the way they always ask to see my room key when i walk into my hotel at night. like i do not belong. because i do not belong. i love opposition. i love the haters. i love mondays. i love accidents. i love "no more chances". i love walking through this city at night where i do not know anyone. because i do not know anyone. i love secret shows. i love coded messages. i love the way you have me figured out so much better than i have myself figured out. 

xo peterabbit

2/19/06 Q&A

question

thank you for not making craptastic videos. Will continue with the making of noncrappiful videos with this next one?

answer

well see. i think this one is gonna be a 180 degree change. i hope you like it.

question

Is the world ever going to be luck enough to get a Fueled By Ramen tour? Say with you guys, the academy is…, panic! at the disco, and days away? Or any other of the Fueled By Ramen crew?

answer

we are planning a decaydance tour for next summer possibly- tai, panic, gym class, and a couple others are all possible tourmates.

question

p33t!please give us some hints about the video?!? do you know when its going to be finished for our viewing pleasure?

answer

okay think kungfu hustle meets the lost boys meets the warriors.

2/22/06

question

Lately it seems like you, not as a band, but as a person have been undergoing a lot of minor changs, which together are seeming to make you an unrecognizable person to some. Is the Wentz we all came to know and trust really deteriorating in front of us? You guys, and your music, and your humor are a stable thing in the lives of many, and the idea that you wont be staying as we thought we knew you for even just now honestly scares the shit out of me. Are the few of us going to have to distance ourselves before we end up following and befriending something we cant even recognize, or are you still for better or worse going to be the ingenious, hilarious smartass we see you as?

answer

i dont know how to answer this question. i think if i was truly deteriorating before you i would still answer that i wasn’t because id feel nervous revealing that. at the same time i feel that i love more and more spending afternoons walking through this city by myself away from all of this nonsense. if that makes any sense. i dont really know who you know me as- i dont really know who i know myself as- i am sorry i dont have a better answer. i am as confused as you.

question

Does Patrick know that he is my Schmexy lil Lepricon?? because he really really is.

answer

wow. haha. i will be sure to pass it along.

question

I miss the old Peter , bangs , eyeliner and all . Im so sad.

answer

the old peter didn’t have any of those things. its just a hair cut. its just makeup. its just my bone structure. its just a picture. focus one evrything else there is- the words, the music, the laughs, the jokes, the connection, the sweaty haze in the room right before the last song. everything is gonna be ok. patrick, pete, joe, and andy are making a new record and a video to scare off anyone that ever thought any of us were pretty.

question

peter, youre such a dino-whore. can we expect you and the guys to be doing any skits on SNL?

answer

no

question

you and hey chris arent friends anymore. sadness. do you think this will be ever resolved and you guys will be friends again?

answer

im only answering this question so it will not be asked again: i don’t believe in bringing or speaking about situations with my friends or family online. they are the only part of my life that i guard intensely. i hope that you will respect that. what goes on with me and chris is between me and chris and i have never and will never address it online or milk it for attention.

2/24/06

question

will we be getting a pre-MTV look at the A Little Less Sixteen Candles a Little More Touch Me music video like we did with Dance,Dance? The few pics i saw reminded me of Michael Jackson for some reason.

answer

there will be more and more pictures over at www.friendsorenemies.com - im not sure if we’ll have a video preview ready in time. this thing is gonna be different. don’t expect 80s highschool movies and usher dancing -

2/26/06

question

why is pete such an asshole and patrick such a sweetheart?

answer

hahaha. true. when we were being made into a boyband by lou pearlman he was like: patrick you are gonna be the shy guy and pete you are gonna be the badboy with attitude. i cant help it. you dont argue with lou.

question

PETE YOU MAN WHORE BAND NAMES. PLEASE

answer

caps lock does not make up for not using enough words to be understood.

question

can you help me think of a new away message

answer

blinkhurleyiheartbilljoe41: “hi, i am outside breathing oxygen. the sunlight hurts my beady little eyes cause i sit in a dark room on the internet all day and night. my legs feel wobbly because i have been looking a n00ds all day. please be my friend in real life and not just on the dorkweb.”

question

I want to go to a secret show obviously, but where are we supoosed to look for these “clues”?

answer

they are all over the place. look hard: clandestine.buzznet.com - friendsorenemies.com - www.fueledbyramen.com

question

Pete, the new october fall cd is amazing. will you please tell Patrick that I think his voice is amazing in that song. his voice is always amazing, but there is just something else to his voice in Second Chances!! and now for my question… is decaydance looking at any new bands that you might sign in the near future?? Youshouldsignfictioncityyoushouldsignfictioncity!!!

answer

thank you… october fall should suprise some people i think… we are always looking for new bands. i will check them out.

question

which person from the simpsons would you most like to date??and why.:0

answer

hahaha tricky….. hmmm. marge i guess. but you know she has a BOYFRIEND.

question

Why is it that the songs do not match their titles?

answer

they do.

question

Im thinking of selling my PATD ticket, persuade me that seeing them will be worth the expenses!

answer

listen to their record. that is your persuasion. trust me.

question

Pete, Ive had a hard time talking to anyone about this, so I just thought that I could say it to you. Recently my Nan died. This has been my first experience with death in my family. Ive been distraught, but no ones really talked to me about it. I keep thinking that my mom or dad or one of my sisters will die, and Im always worrying about them. Its really driving me crazy. I dont know how to get past all this. Thanks for reading this. Your music is what has kept me going this long. x

answer

ive felt this before. its strange how the more you watch tv and the world around you- the more you think about people around you dying. it can drive you crazy. it can make you hang on too tightly. to me the only answer is to treasure the people around you. so youll never feel like you missed out. live every day.

February 28, 2006

3:50 pm (from HeyChris)

an open letter to pete wentz.

it takes a lot to make me mad. 

it takes even more to infuriate me.

so, after all this time i finally learned the truth. that it was you telling my ex girlfriend lies and secrets. despite even giving you the pass card after i caught you trying to talk dirty to her online, this is how you repay me? no wonder why you couldnt look me in the eye on the bus last summer and no wonder why you avoided me every chance you got. 

you hug me and tell me you love me then you tell lies to my girlfriend behind my back to lure her away from me? you tell her i cheat on her and then you tell me to come stay on the bus?

you are a spineless fucking sham.

i regret every second i spent defending you and your selfish ways. 

dont forget, i know you. not that shitty glammed up poser image you present to the masses to consume. the dude i knew never would have worn a fucking dinosaur shirt or sold out one of his friends. the dude i knew had heart and fucking loyalty. well lil buddy, you are fucking done.

you want to sell me out to the most important person in my life and then have the audacity to make ME think I did something wrong to not deserve your friendship? you fucking arrogant bastard. 

since we're discussing sellouts lets discuss how when kids give you presents you laugh at them and throw it straight in the trash. oh yeah, ive seen it many times. lets talk about how you talk shit about the fat girls that are your fans and mock their letters. you are fucking undeserving of every ounce of attention you've ever gotten. from every one of your calculated business moves to your "spontaneous" jumps in the crowd parts to your well rehearsed cliche lines you've been spouting for 400 shows in a row. you're boring, contrived and old. "oooh, no one loves me, its sooo hard being on magazine covers and tv shows. someone save me from me." what are you, fucking 12? go light your little candles ask yourself why no one will ever truly love you. its amazing no one has caught on to your little fucking show. you're nothing more than a shitty opportunist business man with even shittier fashion sense.

so pack up and move to whatever million dollar house you've picked out in california paid for by your lies and hypocrisy and deceit and selfishness and over medicate yourself like youve been doing for years...because guess what? no one wants you here anymore. you are not welcome. 

oh yeah, hows that straight edge tattoo doing? as well as the tattoo for your "crew" who now refer to you as a fraud and a con? stay gold dude, stay gold.

remember this each night of the tour when you play the lie, "hey chris, you were our only friend." 

downplay it all you want by saying the song is about "friends", but guess whos fucking name you're saying each and every night? mine. thats right. what a bunch of fucking phonies. sing the songs you dont even believe in anymore. fucking liar.

you know the friends i have and you know how we feel about loyalty. 

you know who im talking about and you know they're not happy either.

so dont get caught slipping and you better make damn sure you watch whos on your guest list because a plus one might come backstage to punch your fucking teeth out and tear the windpipe from your throat. 

you fucking sell out. 

oh, and next time you decide to write another song about me, do it right you fucking coward.

**********REPOST EVERYWHERE YOU CAN**************** 

Current Music: the promise - crush all fakes."

oh what a monster we've created.

when i am called by my manager to read a post that is burning through the internet it makes me wonder. ive never responded to rumours or shittalking online, no matter who it came from- at the same time there is nothing that makes my blood boil more than reading this- being who i am, my first instinct is to blow it off- but then i consider how anytime anything is written on the internet people believe its true- no matter what, no matter the biases or subjectivity of the sources. my first instinct is to lash out- to say everything i think about you and every situation- to defend myself and attack you. as unbelievable as it is- i am an extremely insecure person- everytime i read something about myself negative or positive i react in probably the exact same way anyone would.

- 

but like i said- i am going to continue to do this my own way, what i consider to be the higher road. i understand when we get angry we often lash out- ive done it myself on many occassions. if you want to talk to me about any of this call me on my cell phone and we can do it one on one-

i will not be responding to anything else-

however, the attacks about our fans and the people that listen to this music and read these words is completely offbase- the fans of this band are my entire life- ive lost my girlfriend, my friends, much of my "normal" life- just to keep this relationship going- this isn't to say that i dont make mistakes, take misteps. just because youve seen me on tv or at a show doesn't make me anything less or more than human. you dont ever see the other side of the way we agonize over every decision we make or try our best to please everyone- because we've given up in bands before and we know how it feels and we dont want that to happen. everyone in the band is upset about this- remember everyone that makes up fall out boy- they all wanted me to voice that we appreciate our fans and friends that weve met more than anything- and that we realize because of where we are all the arrows are pointed at us- but we will try our best. and we do try our best. we also, have far more faith in the intelligence and dedication of the people that believe in us to think that they will be swayed easily. if you want to hear other stories of how we actually talk about our fans or think of them please ask other bands, they will testify to how we really act. we just want you to know that in four years when noone cares, we still hope you are there. im not going to freak out or whatever, but please an attack on our fans or our relationship with them as a p.r. move is uncalled for.

this doesn't need to be reposted anywhere- i am sure that fob fans know where to find it.

chris if you want to talk the phone line is there.

i wrote this pretty fast so i apologize for the typos and run-ons.

until then, thank you to everyone who reserves judgment and has my back until the end of time.

- petey

2/28/06 Q&A

question

IM JUST DYING TO KNOW, WHEN IS “RAINY DAY KIDS” COMING OUT?

answer

ive pushed it back. ill be honest alot of the writing in there was halfassed. words are really the only thing i care about so i want them to be perfect. i will try and figure out a release date and when we do, i will post it. i apologize. i dont want to put out some shitty book.

question

pete i am 13 and have been single my whole life should i stay that way? love ya ~Devon~

answer

its definitely ok to be single when you are 13. you have many years to get in trouble later on. when i was 13 i was into fireworks and skateboarding. girls were not even on my radar.

[hellishvxbes]

💚 = What is one thing that makes the mun and muse jealous?

Mun VS Muse — send a symbol! || Accepting

Alastor's jealously is very subtle and petty. He might not show it right away, but he will reveal it eventually and it could be in a very fucked up way or tame way. Depends on what or who it is making him jealous. He can be possessive when it comes to his partners, not particularly liking the idea of sharing, and he won't. What's his is his, no touchy. Its also both really easy and difficult to get him jealous. Its all situational. He's confident enough to not really care or dwell on that stuff, and when he's with a partner he is stable and secure enough to trust his partner only has eyes for him. if they know what's good for them. And then, if someone is provoking him purposely, which is likely the case, he will be super petty about it, showy and in front of whoever it is trying to make him jealous. he don't like playing other peoples games.

As for meeeeeee. Well, I'm human so I do have instances where yes I can be jelly. I try not to be though. Jealously usually stems from our own insecurities and i do have mine, so I can get scared and insecure when I care a lot about someone. I work on healing myself everyday, so its become less of a struggle to not get jealous over things. feeling more secure and confident in myself. i tend to feel a little like someone's second choice a lot? so sometimes I panic when i think someone might not be interested in me anymore. if that makes sense. ive also been on the other side of a jealous person, where my ex thought I as cheating on him with everyone. i couldn't look at a dude without him claiming I wanted to fuck them. and then when he found out I was bisexual, he was sureeee I was cheating on him with women too. so that isn't the kind of behavior I want to give to the people I love. I don't want to put them in that position. If I am uncomfortable or feeling a type of way, need reassurance or something I will talk to you about it. communication is important to me, i need to know too when I do something that upsets you. its how I learn, its how I learn to love you better and be better for you. I'm determined to learn from my past mistakes, and be a better person.

[im-miss-sugar-pink]

Hello,

Hope I'm not bothering you!

Tbh the dude you are talking about doesn't sound good, even if he may be attractive. And fornication isn't worth it one way or another. It will just break your heart.

On a different note: I saw you are going through a hard time, I'm praying for you. Hope you have someone to reach out and confide in who can help irl like friends, or therapist or a priest (or all of them :D). Remember, that you are loved no matter what. <3

thank you

in my heart i know you're completely right and i should 100% listen to you

but my head wants to destroy my body, and the wants of my body want to destroy my spirit and so far recently my head and desires are winning

--

as a long, rambling response:

i know that this guy is not going to be good for me and i know the last guy i was in a situationship with was bad for me and i know i should just stop doing this to myself. and i constantly think of this book i had as a kid called "the princess and the kiss" where basically her "kiss" was a magic glowing light and she saved it and saved it until a poor farmer boy came and told her he had one too that he had saved for her and then thats who she chose over her fancy suitors and they exchanged kisses and got married. i think about that a lot. but im no princess and i gave away what i have years ago. what am i now lol (i started crying just now remembering how much i wanted to be like the princess in this old kids' book and failed)

i just got out of the mental hospital for the THIRD time. third time. in two and a half years. im so tired. it's so much easier to let myself suffer than to actually do anything about it. getting better is difficult and sometimes i dont know if i want to. like. i have to. i have to because if He didn't want me to get better then God would have let me die by now and He would not have put such good people in my life, good people who make sure i end up in the hospital rather than a casket. but it's so hard. it's overwhelmingly difficult to believe that all the positive things i reblog apply to me as well as to everyone else. like oh yeah. im not the exception to the idea that everyone deserves love and mercy and grace. but it's so difficult to actually believe that.

ive been to Mass twice in the past two or three months. only twice. that's probably part of why i feel like shit but i feel so terrible that i feel undeserving of even entering a church? it sucks. then im like. yah i should go to confession. ok good in theory. but ive got this thought stuck in my head like i Know im going to end up partaking in these shitty habitual sins again and again so like why should i say to God that im going to do my best to avoid these sins when i know i wont end up doing that no matter how much i mean it. also it's difficult to get to confession? like im usually busy during or forget about the scheduled times for them and then asking for a priest to hear my confession before Mass is always anxiety-inducing and difficult to do when you don't feel like you can even enter a church.

almost nothing im doing is good for me. and idk how much i care. jk i do care but i dont want to care. i was talking to someone about how i cry all the time because i have so many feelings and everything matters too much, and they were all like well i shut down all my feelings when it gets too hard. that must be nice at times. i feel everything so deeply and can't cut that part of me off and it's overwhelming.

please keep praying for me I don't know how much longer i can do this

[videostak]

i hate that i spent like idk the whole past year of 2023 sorta slowly healing myself piece by piece and also just slowly making little progress getting a job driving learning to be content w/ what happened and then when i see them again just feeling so out of place and just ashamed to exist like :/ like was rly made to feel like i was a genuinely worthless person who didnt even deserve the time of day in that friendship while also being given like constant fake reassurance abt actually bieng a close friend of theirs anytime id like try to confront them abt the way i had been treated and then to just get ghosted after a 3 yeear freindship sooo shitty and tht sucks obv but what makes it worse is that i kno she like def did it because she knew no one cared abt me so no one would give a fuck if i even did bring up her shitty behavior like lol. so weird being idk inducteed into a friend group of ppl who def think ur ugly n a loser but are too fake to say so to ur face and just act alarmingly fake to u. like i rly wonder how they rationalize it in all their heads like its one thing to be treated shittily and fake by one person but a whole group of them u'd think one of them would pull me aside or msg me being like hey we kinda dont like u but insteaed they were fake and not even like putting up w/ me fake but like overtly kind and positive in a way i totally suspected w/ some of the more overtly rude ones lol. liiike i rly do wonder how they rationalize it i guess kinda just being like oh well he was ugly and had no taste of fashion so he deserved it lol like its so idk. like scary cause they all had a faux positivtiy progressiveness to them and theered be times where id be like oh thats kinda red flaggy when theyd drop lil hints at awful behavior but id always brush it aside as smthn they were genuinely working on to remove and to better themselves (anytime id call them out for their behavior theyd avoid accountability by saying they were going to therapy for it and overall blame it on bad mental health which put me in a rly rly fucked situation not wanting to be a person who stops being friends w/ someone cause of mental health issues so i would just always 100% take her word for it even tho she'd treat her actual friends one hundred times better than she did me lol) like so many angles of it being fucked i wish i could just call them out or that one of their friends or any1 they knew would reach out to me saying they were also treated similarly but like the fucked reality is probably that not a single one of their friends gave a shit abt me since day one and could care less abt the way i was treated. like just so insane on so many levels cause it was like so quickly escalated into a close friendship and shed constantly bring up collaborating artistically n musically and would liteerally even come over sometimes just so we could work on music she wrote lol and then like go silent after i contributed something i guess she thouhgt was good lol and would invite me to TONS of shit then would go silent when id actually take her up on her offer and aks for like specifics of where the place she invited me was n stuff. like liteereally invited to dj sets n to go w/ her to record stuff in a studio and stuff like just so insanaaaane who even says that like if u genuinely dont give af abt some1 why constantly drip feed them random shit to them unprompted. just sooo fucked like no half assed apology message after it all or anything just like the moment i was out of her life she moved on just like that while i was still confused abt whatt the hell was even going on. have no idea how to avoid friendships like these but everytime i geet into one it just makes me feel so isolated from like every1 else in the world. i guess this could stop once i get a job with ppl i get along w/ who are my age or once i start taking college classes again. but just so insane i feel like only 1 or 2 of the friendships ive had have been actually normal positive effects on my life every other one is some rly awful person who acts crazy overly nice

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

13 + 32 + 40 for the writer questions!!!

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

a subject i struggle a lot with currently is sex. ive decided for myself to be as explicit as i would dare and juggle all these complicated, complex emotions and burdens the characters bring with them. i was raised without a healthy skillset regarding sex, my sex education in school was comparitively good but i grew up with this very twisted idea that sex = violence, that especially women are victimized by it while men by nature cant help but want to have it. i realized pretty early thats bullshit, but biases and images run deep, especially that fear i have internalized. writing explicitly about sex, queer sex, sex involving men being something else but mindless beasts, is very empowering. at the same time, it is agony. i dont like men like that and i have yet to fully work through my lesbian trauma regarding men and comphet. trying to describe attraction to men, or positive experiences sleeping with men, is so confusing and difficult. in a sense, this too helps me work through my shit but god, is it hard. im saying this with all the love i have. i do not force myself at all, i have this weird thirst for it, this desire to set myself free. but it IS deeply personal. it clearly reflects back to myself what i oftentimes dont want to directly confront.

fuck, i forgot the second part of this question! very quick, here: im good at writing feelings. i mean i sometimes struggle with it, naming them can be hard and sometimes i dont know what i even want to say while im writing. but when i do know, im pretty good at weaving it into the story, at staying on the pulse of the character, at keeping very close to their heart and letting their thoughts, their innermost soul, just unspool and unravel. its something i love to read and writing it, once ive muddled through my shit, is cathartic and fun. im prone to being a little more poetic in my style, and it lends itself well to breaking open a character like a fruit, exposing their soft insides

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you? and 40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

alright, so when i was small, my grandfather used to read poetry to me. he is a pretty good storyteller and i love him very much. everytime im reading from the author he read to me, i have his voice and his mannerism in my ear; where he set a pause, where he lifted his voice, where he grew louder, what he chose to emphasize. (he is still alive and well, we've just not done this in a while.) and of the poetry there is one poem that still positively haunts me, it is brilliant, hilarious, and creative. i can practically semi-recite it on the spot, with his style of performance in my heart. i found a great english translation, lemme put it here for you to oggle at!!!

Palmstroem, old, an aimless rover, walking in the wrong direction at a busy intersection is run over.

"How," he says, his life restoring and with pluck his death ignoring, "can an accident like this ever happen? What's amiss?

"Did the state administration fail in motor transportation? Did police ignore the need for reducing driving speed?

"Isn't there a prohibition, barring motorized transmission of the living to the dead? Was the driver right who sped…?"

Tightly swathed in dampened tissues he explores the legal issues, and it soon is clear as air: Cars were not permitted there!

And he comes to the conclusion: His mishap was an illusion, for, he reasons pointedly, that which must not, can not be.

"The Impossible Fact" by Christian Morgenstern, tl. Max Knight, original & translation here!

ask me weird writers questions!

[readymades2002]

maybe i should talk this through a bit idk there's a lot on my mind right now. maybe it would help. mostly i am stressing about work. i'm also stressing for That Boy, he very bravely and coolly stood up for himself today and asked to step down as department head despite being more nervous about it than i've ever seen him, and it worked out well and it's gonna be alright but MAN he has been so miserable in this position for so long <///3 happy for him and mad it came to this in the first place, you know. god i love him. have i said that before. i fucking adore this guy

im also stressed for my+my department's sake, we've got a MASSIVE fucking exclusive sale coming up next week and the way corporate's talking about it is so so so scary. this job is already so grueling and our store is super high volume and this sale is a biiiiiig event theyre pushing. ive been doing this job for over a year now and i feel like a frog that doesn't know it's being boiled. this department is growing super fast and being pushed very hard and still is not treated like a valuable department in its own right and its very frustrating. i adore my three coworkers though. love them to BITS i have no idea what i'd do without them. i want to arrange a movie night or something to hang out sometime but i have no idea how that would work with us literally being scheduled to work alternately all the time. like a department. whatever...OH i have another coworker i want to take to lunch sometime too. god reaching out to people is so hard im trying to get better at it but its so scary and i cant imagine doing it EEP ! anyway

my financial straits are dire. need i say more...theyre not AS bad as they could be but i've been putting money aside to save for some things and then dealing with what i have left and god it is not a lot especially if you are also helping other people with their financial circumstances. phwew ! i love the economy

ummmmmm i want to ask Boy if he wants to go to a concert with me soon. we are going to a different concert in august but he hasn't been to one in ages and he is a Music Enjoyer (try not to swoon all at once) and he's been working too hard to do it recently and he Needs It. but: i am shy. and also we are both broke. stay tuned. no harm in bringing it up </3 i have to keep reminding myself we do enjoy each others company mutually and i need to stop waiting for him to make the first move all the time to Prove that im not weird for wanting to hang out lol

my birthday is. oh fuck my birthday is in almost one week now. ive been trying not to think about it but its also hard not to. a quarter of a century...the cybersale starts on the same day so at least that takes the pressure off celebrating a bit but i honestly don't know if i want to do anything for it. bad last few birthdays+unceasing guilt over being alive is a bad combo for celebrating birthday. but also last year i didnt do either of the things i wanted because i wanted to put others' schedules and wants and desires ahead of mine and that felt awful and so maybe even if its not something big ill treat myself to something. not sure what yet. maybe multiple things if i can swing it financially. im thinking like...some kind of piercing+stuff for getting into rollerskating? itd be nice to have a hobby since im so burnt out on art. i love being outside and i could get places so much easier...its hard not to go "what if im bad and get embarrassed or hurt and lose interest" but ive wanted to skate for so long and it would be so nice...

oh i still want a spine tattoo so bad. my body hurts so much and i know thats the most painful a tattoo gets but id be so hot

ummm idk i think thats where im at right now generally. not very interesting but much to ponder. there's a lot happening in my brain.......very distracting. anyhoo thanks for your time

hrmmmmm feeling restless </3

[jackie-shitposts]

I Thought Thieves Love Jules!

Carmen strolled out of the elevator, feeling pretty beat after her workout with Shadowsan. Not that she would ever admit that- she had wanted to keep going, but it had only been two days since she got electrocuted in Egypt, so Shadowsan made her cut her workout short while he continued. Carmen sauntered over to the counter, taking a long drink from her water bottle, just as Player’s image appeared on her laptop screen. “Check it out, Red. Julia just posted a new entry on her blog, about a recent find in Columbia.” Player said, ”But it totally digresses into fun facts about fair trade coffee, including a “Red Blend.” Carmen leaned onto the counter. “Could be another riddle to solve?” “Good thing I learned a thing or two about code-breaking from Julia.” Player smirked, clearly excited to show off his new skills. “Every paragraph ends with a number. If you line ‘em up like they're a date and time, it’s tomorrow at 8am.” “Seems Chief wants an opportunity to thank me over coffee.” Carmen quirked an eyebrow. Seems as though she’d be seeing her favorite agent-turned-historian-turned-agent-again in the field, per Chief’s request. “How can you be sure it’s not a trap?” Player asked apprehensively. “If it were, Jules would’ve worded it differently.”

“OoOoO, are we talking about Jules?” Zack asked, peeking his head out from the doorway.

“That ACME gal Carm has a crush on?” Ivy chimed in, peeking her own head out from under her brother.

Carmen rolled her eyes at the sibling’s cartoonish antics. “Jules and I are just friends, you two.”

Ivy scoffed, entering the room and flopping onto the couch.  “Yeah right- then why did you specifically go to her when you needed help decoding the relics?”

Carmen casually took a sip of her water before answering.  “Jules was already familiar with VILE- getting a stranger involved would’ve only made things more complicated and dangerous than it already was.” Zack hopped onto the couch opposite of Ivy, resting his feet up on her knees. He pointedly ignored Ivy’s protests of, “Zack, gross!” and smirked at Carmen. “Oh? Then why did you ask Devineaux where she was in Louisiana?” “Hey, you never told me about that one!” Ivy gasped, feigning betrayal. “I was just surprised ACME let that driving disaster use a car,” Carmen quipped. Player laughed on his side of the screen. “Don’t act like you’re any better, Red. Don’t you remember your first caper?”

Carmen gasped, pretending to be insulted. “Says the 17 year old without a learners permit.”

“Not like I have anywhere to go.” Player laughed, before refocusing on Carmen’s interrogation. “Speaking of firsts, how about when you first met Julia? I listened in, and it totally sounded like you were flirting with her. You called her “Jules” on your first meeting!” Carmen narrowed her eyes at Player in defiance.  “I was just sitting across from Jules so I could blend in while keeping an eye on Paper Star. And what’s wrong with nicknames? I called Crackle “Gray” and Ivy “Ives”. I don’t see what the difference is.” “The difference is that you and Cracker used to be best friends, and now we are best friends. However, you and Jules were not friends at the time.” Ivy said, emphasizing the nickname. “His name is Crackle now.” “He went and rejoined VILE, I think I get to call Gary whatever I want.” Player chimed back into the conversation. “Why did you leave the Magna Cartas with Julia, anyway? You had one conversation with her, what made you think leaving them with her meant they were in “good hands?” “While sitting next to her, I noticed Devineaux’s briefcase, and she said they were travel partners on business. I figured that meant they were law enforcement also trying to recover the documents. Leaving them with Jules simply saved me the hassle of returning the documents myself.” Carmen explained casually. “What about the fashion show in Milan, Carm? Why’d you have Julia help us then?” Zack asked, a shit-eating grin plastered onto his face. Carmen sighed in annoyance. Why won’t they just get off her back about this already? “Jules was the only ACME agent around, and I knew that ACME would be able to get the gowns to safety. And before you ask,” Carmen pointed at Ivy, whose mouth was already open with some smug retort, “I put her in charge instead of you because she would know where the gowns could be put for ACME to return.” At that, Ivy simply leaned back onto the couch and mirrored her brother’s smug grin.  “Yeah, that was a fun night.” She smirked, and Zack tried to hold back his laugh that came out as more of a snort. Carmen raised her brow at the untold story, but she decided not to press. For the sake of her sanity.

“Well, what about Stockholm?” Zack blurted. Ivy and Player’s eyes snapped to Carmen, looking for any hint of discomfort, and Zack immediately tried to rectify the situation. “I-I mean, yknow, you just were gonna go try to get her help before-”

Carmen cut off his anxious rambling, smiling warmly. “Don’t worry about it Zack, I know what you mean. I wanted to talk to Jules to see if she could get ACME to back off. While that obviously didn’t happen, I know Jules didn’t try to betray me.” Carmen glanced out the window for a moment, whispering quietly to herself. “I don’t think I could be angry at her if I tried.” Carmen turned back to her friends and smiled. “Plus, she helped me out in Monaco and Ile De L'oleron afterwards, so-” Player practically leapt up from his chair, causing a loud crash as he knocked the fidget spinners off his desk and dropped the rubix cute he was playing with. “Yeah, let's talk about Monaco! You can’t tell me you guys weren’t flirting at the party. She was so confident you were going to deliver the goods to her door, and you trusted her not to stop you when you stole the eggs. Come on, Red, you know she was flirting with you!” Carmen felt Zack and Ivy’s eyes on her expectantly, and she chuckled at Player’s exasperation. “Player, I’m pretty good at reading people, and I’m fairly certain she wasn’t flirting with me. Even if she was, I was not flirting ba-” “Then what about the roses?”

Carmen’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly. How did Zack, of all people, know about the roses?

“Oh my god, the roses! Carm, why the fuck didn’t you tell us about the roses?” Ivy exclaimed, springing up from her relaxed position on the couch.

Carmen bit her lip before answering. “They were just flowers, as a thank you gift for the help. How do you know about them, anyway? I didn’t buy them until after you guys left.”

At that, Player piped up once again. “So Red, you know how at the end of each month, I look through our funds and see how much we spend on capers, to set our budget for the next month? Well, it was pretty interesting for me to see that you used our encrypted card to buy a bouquet of red roses from the flower shop across the street from Julia’s apartment, on the same day we left her the goods.”

Fuck. Carmen needed to shut this down, now. “They were just a thank you gift guys, nothing more. Just something Jules could keep for herself. And red is my color, so the roses seemed like a good gift. Now if you’ll excuse me,” Carmen glared at the redheads sternly, daring them to stop her, before looking down at Player with the same forbidding look. ”I’m going to take a shower. Player, let me know when you’ve got a red eye to Seattle ready.” Carmen closed the laptop, tucked it under her arm and walked out of the room without looking back. ~~~

The video call flickered to black, and Player leaned back into his chair, sighing. Red can be so thick-headed sometimes. As he booked her flight, he thought back to their teasing and banter from moments before.

Red seemed pretty genuine- maybe we were wrong after all.

Player took a deep breath- he didn’t want to call Carmen back so soon, especially when she seemed pretty pissed at the end of their last call- but he had booked her flight for a short two hours from now. So, Player reconnected to Carmen’s laptop, still looking at the red eye information on his other monitor, before hearing a loud, exasperated groan coming from his speakers.

“Holy fuck that was such a mess!”

Player’s head snapped towards his other monitor. The laptop had been set on the dresser across from Carmen’s bed, where she was laying sprawled out in agony. Player quickly hit his mute button and sat back to watch.

Carmen’s arms raised up to cover her face- though Player couldn’t see it, he was sure her face was covered in her signature color. “God, and the roses- why did I use the card for the roses? That’s a basic credit card slip, how am I so stupid!”

Carmen sat up, hands still over her flushed face. “I’m so fucking lucky they didn’t hear us on the ferry or at her office, there’s no way they would’ve ever let that go- I thought I wasn’t being obvious about this stupid crush-

That was all the confirmation Player needed. He clicked unmute and nearly shouted, “So you do have a crush on Julia! I knew it!”

Carmen’s head snapped up to the source of the sound, her face as red as her coat hanging on the wall’s hook. “Player! What the fuck are you-” Carmen froze as she watched Player pick up his cell phone. “Player, if you do what I think you’re about to-”

“Then what? You’re two thousand miles away Red, I'm practically untouchable.” He laughed and grinned smugly at the webcam as he dialed a number.

“Player, you are so dead next time I visit Ontario!” Carmen yelled before she threw her door open, barrelling down the hall to the stairway.

~~~

Zack and Ivy watched in silence as Carmen walked out of the room. When they heard the door to the stairway close, they looked at each other, before they couldn’t take it anymore and burst into laughter.

“Holy shit she looked so mad!” Ivy wheezed through her laughing fit.

“I know! Do you think that means she was telling the truth?” Zack questioned as he tried (and failed) to calm his giggles.

“No way.”

“But she seemed pretty-”

“What are you two laughing about?” Shadowsan’s stern voice stopped the twin’s giggling dead in its tracks. Just as Ivy opened her mouth to make an excuse, since she doubted Carmen wanted Shadowsan involved in her love life, (he is like her father, isnt he?) Zack spoke up.

“We tried to get Carm to confess that she likes Julia, but she kept on telling us she just likes Julia as a friend. Maybe she wasn’t lying, most of her reasons were pretty solid.” Ivy would’ve smacked him then and there if Shadowsan hadn’t interrupted her train of thought with a small chuckle. Since when did Shadowsan chuckle? “On VILE Island, Carmen was trained to be a master of deception. Do you not realize that she was also trained to survive any interrogation?” Shadowsan said, with…humor in his voice? Zack and Ivy were silent for a moment. “Wait, does that mean she actually does like Ju-” The moment was interrupted with a call on Ivy’s phone. When she looked at the caller ID, her eyes widened as she answered it and put the device on speaker. “Carmen does have a crush on Julia!” Player shouted from the phone, just as the Crimson Gay Ghost herself burst into the room and crashed into Ivy. “Dammit!” Carmen yelled, taking the phone from Ivy who was now on the floor with Carmen and laughing. “Player, I’m going to fly to Ontario and kick your ass!” Player’s laughing from the phone was almost drowned out by Zack and Ivy’s. “Oh no you’re not, you’ve got a flight to catch in two hours!” “OoOh where to? To go see your “favorite ACME agent”?” Ivy teased through her laughter. “Yeah Carm, I thought thieves love Jules!” Zack said as he laughed. Carmen jumped off of Ivy, her voice a noticeably higher pitch and her face extremely red as she shouted, “No! I mean- well, that is- I just-” As Zack, Ivy and Player continued to tease an extremely red-faced and stammering Carmen, Shadowsan smiled and quietly walked out of the room. It seems the war may be coming to a close with ACME on their side, but that doesn’t mean Carmen has to stop chasing someone.

[vhvrs]

Hello I'm so sorry to randomly put this in your inbox, but I have some real questions that I'm kind of too scared to ask anyone else?

I think I'm... I think I finally admitted that I might be trans? I think? I've been so terrified of calling myself that, especially out loud, because I've been so scared that I'm accidentally being transphobic when I can't even figure out my own identity? I'm AFAB, and I like having a very pretty "girl" body and even adore hyperfeminine "girl" things. Like, I love girly stuff and dressing like a girl? Is it the looking like a girl I like? But like, something has always felt off and like it wasn't quite right to just be a "she"? It's so hard to explain because for years I was just a girl, using feminine pronouns and everything. But as I've gotten older, I found myself using they/them more and more often, but it's actually in the last week or so that I've started using he/him pronouns officially instead of just in my head. And guess what? It felt amazing doing it! But here's my problem: What is it called when you're AFAB, do still really like very feminine things and "looking/acting like a girl", but want to use he/him pronouns? I'm so scared and confused and I feel so ashamed because I'm scared I'm just CIS with extra steps? Like, I see a lot of posts that say a lot of people are just muddying the waters and making things even harder for other transgender people, and I would never want to hurt anybody like that! I've tried Googling my question several times, each a different way because I was worried I wasn't wording it properly? But all the results I get are mixed and I'm confused what they mean. Am I allowed to be a boy that's... like, likes being a "girl", just not called a girl? Or at least isn't called a girl all the time? Just sometimes when I feel like it? Maybe?

I know this is all some really heavy stuff and I'm so sorry for just dropping this on you, but I really need help and I don't know where else to turn. If you're unable to help, do you know some other resources that I might try to look for? I'm sorry. You just seem so confident in yourself and your art has been really helpful, but I wanted to ask because I was hoping that I could maybe just get, like... even a sliver of what might be wrong with me? As dumb as this sounds, I'm scared of just being CIS (Again, I am so sorry for this long post, this text really got away from me)

hey i appreciate you feeling like i was the person to come to w this off the bat and not to fret about the ask at all bc im abt to overexplain myself right back - ive been in this exact same position actually! i had a long struggle moving from being a girl into being where i am now and where i am now is.... who knows! ive been figuring myself out for like. eight years at this point n i expect to keep figuring myself out even longer. the train of thought youre on reminds ne a LOT of how i felt when i started thinking i wasnt cis though so ill just kindve. dump what has helped me? and you can take what you want from it.

point blank anyone who says its possible for other trans ppl or even just ppl exploring their gender to bring harm back into the community are full of shit. they said this when i thought i was a genderfluid demigirl eight yrs ago. theyll keep saying it. it will continue to not be true. ive had friends who explored their gender identities and realized they were cis and if anything its really healthy for them and the community! its not bad to go thru that.

on topic, i could try to point you towards specific labels or communities but trying to get caught up in those can sometimes just confuse or scare you more - again speaking from experience trying to google just what i was and what i was going thru. especially trying to figure everything out at once.

like i label myself as a bi agender bc its EASY n to have a vague thing to tell ppl or put on pride icons but at the end of the day, im just theo. thats my identity n that could be yours too! when i think abt my bf, im a gay man. when im watching crazy girlies on a show, im a girl. when i want to buy nonbinary merch bc nobody makes agender merch, im nonbinary. im just theo no matter what.

you dont sound cis and thats the most important thing to remember. even if you were somehow cis w extra steps bc thats. not a thing. even if you looked n acted n dressed exactly as you did when you viewed yourself before all of this but FELT you werent that presentation, you wouldnt be cis. you could like... be a girl but a bit to the left and youd be trans.

also, perhaps changing the language you think abt yourself with may help you rule out whats going on? instead of seeing things in a v binary girl things vs boy things way? its hard bc like. gender based society but trying to not see dressing a certain way as being feminine/dressing like a girl and certain pronouns being like. boy/masculine pronouns can really help! if you mean you dont want to bind or you like dresses, then you can do those things in a masc or fem or any way u want - its YOU doing it. if you want those things to be girl things bc it helps, then theyre girl things! if seeing them as boy things helps, then they're boy things!

im sorry if i... didnt really answer your question or help ultimately but i just remember how much wanting definite answers didn't really help me at the time so i dont want to say like. oh youre nonbinary! oh youre genderfluid! oh youre a demigirl! oh youre a he/him girl! being trans is so different for everyone n thats ultimately why you may be struggling to find specific answers.

honestly? id keep doing what youre doing and trying different gender affirming things like you are. something will click as you do and youll come to realizations that, in that space, will help you a lot. perhaps itll be something that changes but it will click eventually.

i literally felt like i was transphobic towards trans men for having he/him in my pronouns for YEARS bc i wasnt Being Male Enough to earn them. but i no longer see myself as needing to be masc to prove i deserve to be called a he. to me, thats as genderless as they/them. shits weird n personal n a bit cringe.

nothings wrong w you for not having things figured out either. you will. i promise.

[bbyquokka]

1, 6, 7, 14

1. what's the fic you're most proud of?

im proud of all my works however, my top 3 have be this, this and this stormy night because it's the fic that started off this whole process. i had an idea, decided to write it; if it went well, i continue and if it didnt, at least i tried and well - here i am, lmao

fingers because i love how it turned out. for a small drabble, it turned out really well and i think i will always be proud of it. (plus i was suffering from extreme Jisung brain rot when i wrote this, so that helped 💀)

starlight because i think it was my first attempt at writing something slow and passionate, especially for hyunjin. i think thats what started of the whole process of seeing Hyunjin as a slow, passionate romantic - that coupled with the fact he actually is a hopeless romantic 🌹 idk, i just really liked how it turned out. it made me giddy sooo

6. what's the hardest part of the writing process for you?

processing my thoughts and unjumbling them so my sentence and the plot makes sense. i usually think of the middle section before i write so that sets of a million thoughts to swim inside my head. Many 'what if's' and 'can i add that?'

7. how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you?

receiving feedback makes my day! there is nothing better than putting in all that hard work into your fic and seeing someone reblog it and having a moment in the comments/tags - i feel sooo powerful 😂 it especially makes my day when ive posted something that im nervous about, or something i haven't written because im stepping out off that zone and someone gives feedback having a moment. I LIVE FOR THAT SHIT.

not receiving feedback bothers me sometimes, its hard not to when you spend hours writing, editing and making it look pleasing to the eye. it especially sucks when you post and see you have a notification for it to be a like -_- it especially sucks when you see other writers not getting the feedback/support they deserve. there are SOOO many talented writers on this site and its so heart-breaking seeing them struggle and constantly question their abilities to the point where they go on hiatus to leaving all together.

it does get annoying having to contently remind people to reblog and leave feedback, even when you have it plastered EVERYWHERE; but i appreciate the ones who are consistent (you know who you are and i will FOREVER LOVE YOU!!!!) and those people are the people i write for, as well as myself, ofc.

14. Do you compare yourself to other writers? In a positive or negative way?

sometimes i do, in both ways.

positive; i think they ae so talented and i take inspiration from them, want to do better, improve myself and 'be like them' in a sense.

negative; i see the amount of interactions they get, reblogs, asks, feedback and i think 'what am i doing wrong?'

sometimes it hard not to compare yourself to others, especially when they do what you do. but i have to remember that i am my own person, i write what i want to write. this is a hobby, not a service

thank you for you ask, jade! i didnt mean for it to be this long, ahah. apologise!

deep fic writer asks