#and i rewatched the last night and they look like a gay ass couple and I love them both for it

[sorryiwasasleep]

Dimitri looks like a butch lesbian, no wonder I was obsessed with him

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

[innuendostudios]

Thoughts on: Criterion's Neo-Noir Collection

I have written up all 26 films* in the Criterion Channel's Neo-Noir Collection.

Legend: rw - rewatch; a movie I had seen before going through the collection dnrw - did not rewatch; if a movie met two criteria (a. I had seen it within the last 18 months, b. I actively dislike it) I wrote it up from memory.

* in September, Brick leaves the Criterion Channel and is replaced in the collection with Michael Mann's Thief. May add it to the list when that happens.

Note: These are very "what was on my mind after watching." No effort has been made to avoid spoilers, nor to make the plot clear for anyone who hasn't seen the movies in question. Decide for yourself if that's interesting to you.

Cotton Comes to Harlem I feel utterly unequipped to asses this movie. This and Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song the following year are regularly cited as the progenitors of the blaxploitation genre. (This is arguably unfair, since both were made by Black men and dealt much more substantively with race than the white-directed films that followed them.) Its heroes are a couple of Black cops who are treated with suspicion both by their white colleagues and by the Black community they're meant to police. I'm not 100% clear on whether they're the good guys? I mean, I think they are. But the community's suspicion of them seems, I dunno... well-founded? They are working for The Man. And there's interesting discussion to the had there - is the the problem that the law is carried out by racists, or is the law itself racist? Can Black cops make anything better? But it feels like the film stacks the deck in Gravedigger and Coffin Ed's favor; the local Black church is run by a conman, the Back-to-Africa movement is, itself, a con, and the local Black Power movement is treated as an obstacle. Black cops really are the only force for justice here. Movie portrays Harlem itself as a warm, thriving, cultured community, but the people that make up that community are disloyal and easily fooled. Felt, to me, like the message was "just because they're cops doesn't mean they don't have Black soul," which, nowadays, we would call copaganda. But, then, do I know what I'm talking about? Do I know how much this played into or off of or against stereotypes from 1970? Was this a radical departure I don't have the context to appreciate? Is there substance I'm too white and too many decades removed to pick up on? Am I wildly overthinking this? I dunno. Seems like everyone involved was having a lot of fun, at least. That bit is contagious.

Across 110th Street And here's the other side of the "race film" equation. Another movie set in Harlem with a Black cop pulled between the police, the criminals, and the public, but this time the film is made by white people. I like it both more and less. Pro: this time the difficult position of Black cop who's treated with suspicion by both white cops and Black Harlemites is interrogated. Con: the Black cop has basically no personality other than "honest cop." Pro: the racism of the police force is explicit and systemic, as opposed to comically ineffectual. Con: the movie is shaped around a racist white cop who beats the shit out of Black people but slowly forms a bond with his Black partner. Pro: the Black criminal at the heart of the movie talks openly about how the white world has stacked the deck against him, and he's soulful and relateable. Con: so of course he dies in the end, because the only way privileged people know to sympathetize with minorities is to make them tragic (see also: The Boys in the Band, Philadelphia, and Brokeback Mountain for gay men). Additional con: this time Harlem is portrayed as a hellhole. Barely any of the community is even seen. At least the shot at the end, where the criminal realizes he's going to die and throws the bag of money off a roof and into a playground so the Black kids can pick it up before the cops reclaim it was powerful. But overall... yech. Cotton Comes to Harlem felt like it wasn't for me; this feels like it was 100% for me and I respect it less for that.

The Long Goodbye (rw) The shaggiest dog. Like much Altman, more compelling than good, but very compelling. Raymond Chandler's story is now set in the 1970's, but Philip Marlowe is the same Philip Marlowe of the 1930's. I get the sense there was always something inherently sad about Marlowe. Classic noir always portrayed its detectives as strong-willed men living on the border between the straightlaced world and its seedy underbelly, crossing back and forth freely but belonging to neither. But Chandler stresses the loneliness of it - or, at least, the people who've adapted Chandler do. Marlowe is a decent man in an indecent world, sorting things out, refusing to profit from misery, but unable to set anything truly right. Being a man out of step is here literalized by putting him forty years from the era where he belongs. His hardboiled internal monologue is now the incessant mutterings of the weird guy across the street who never stops smoking. Like I said: compelling! Kael's observation was spot on: everyone in the movie knows more about the mystery than he does, but he's the only one who cares. The mystery is pretty threadbare - Marlowe doesn't detect so much as end up in places and have people explain things to him. But I've seen it two or three times now, and it does linger.

Chinatown (rw) I confess I've always been impressed by Chinatown more than I've liked it. Its story structure is impeccable, its atmosphere is gorgeous, its noirish fatalism is raw and real, its deconstruction of the noir hero is well-observed, and it's full of clever detective tricks (the pocket watches, the tail light, the ruler). I've just never connected with it. Maybe it's a little too perfectly crafted. (I feel similar about Miller's Crossing.) And I've always been ambivalent about the ending. In Towne's original ending, Evelyn shoots Noah Cross dead and get arrested, and neither she nor Jake can tell the truth of why she did it, so she goes to jail for murder and her daughter is in the wind. Polansky proposed the ending that exists now, where Evelyn just dies, Cross wins, and Jake walks away devastated. It communicates the same thing: Jake's attempt to get smart and play all the sides off each other instead of just helping Evelyn escape blows up in his face at the expense of the woman he cares about and any sense of real justice. And it does this more dramatically and efficiently than Towne's original ending. But it also treats Evelyn as narratively disposable, and hands the daughter over to the man who raped Evelyn and murdered her husband. It makes the women suffer more to punch up the ending. But can I honestly say that Towne's ending is the better one? It is thematically equal, dramatically inferior, but would distract me less. Not sure what the calculus comes out to there. Maybe there should be a third option. Anyway! A perfect little contraption. Belongs under a glass dome.

Night Moves (rw) Ah yeah, the good shit. This is my quintessential 70's noir. This is three movies in a row about detectives. Thing is, the classic era wasn't as chockablock with hardboiled detectives as we think; most of those movies starred criminals, cops, and boring dudes seduced to the darkness by a pair of legs. Gumshoes just left the strongest impressions. (The genre is said to begin with Maltese Falcon and end with Touch of Evil, after all.) So when the post-Code 70's decided to pick the genre back up while picking it apart, it makes sense that they went for the 'tecs first. The Long Goodbye dragged the 30's detective into the 70's, and Chinatown went back to the 30's with a 70's sensibility. But Night Moves was about detecting in the Watergate era, and how that changed the archetype. Harry Moseby is the detective so obsessed with finding the truth that he might just ruin his life looking for it, like the straight story will somehow fix everything that's broken, like it'll bring back a murdered teenager and repair his marriage and give him a reason to forgive the woman who fucked him just to distract him from some smuggling. When he's got time to kill, he takes out a little, magnetic chess set and recreates a famous old game, where three knight moves (get it?) would have led to a beautiful checkmate had the player just seen it. He keeps going, self-destructing, because he can't stand the idea that the perfect move is there if he can just find it. And, no matter how much we see it destroy him, we, the audience, want him to keep going; we expect a satisfying resolution to the mystery. That's what we need from a detective picture; one character flat-out compares Harry to Sam Spade. But what if the truth is just... Watergate? Just some prick ruining things for selfish reasons? Nothing grand, nothing satisfying. Nothing could be more noir, or more neo-, than that.

Farewell, My Lovely Sometimes the only thing that makes a noir neo- is that it's in color and all the blood, tits, and racism from the books they're based on get put back in. This second stab at Chandler is competant but not much more than that. Mitchum works as Philip Marlowe, but Chandler's dialogue feels off here, like lines that worked on the page don't work aloud, even though they did when Bogie said them. I'll chalk it up to workmanlike but uninspired direction. (Dang this looks bland so soon after Chinatown.) Moose Malloy is a great character, and perfectly cast. (Wasn't sure at first, but it's true.) Some other interesting cats show up and vanish - the tough brothel madam based on Brenda Allen comes to mind, though she's treated with oddly more disdain than most of the other hoods and is dispatched quicker. In general, the more overt racism and misogyny doesn't seem to do anything except make the movie "edgier" than earlier attempts at the same material, and it reads kinda try-hard. But it mostly holds together. *shrug*

The Killing of a Chinese Bookie (dnrw) Didn't care for this at all. Can't tell if the script was treated as a jumping-off point or if the dialogue is 100% improvised, but it just drags on forever and is never that interesting. Keeps treating us to scenes from the strip club like they're the opera scenes in Amadeus, and, whatever, I don't expect burlesque to be Mozart, but Cosmo keeps saying they're an artful, classy joint, and I keep waiting for the show to be more than cheap, lazy camp. How do you make gratuitious nudity boring? Mind you, none of this is bad as a rule - I love digressions and can enjoy good sleaze, and it's clear the filmmakers care about what they're making. They just did not sell it in a way I wanted to buy. Can't remember what edit I watched; I hope it was the 135 minute one, because I cannot imagine there being a longer edit out there.

The American Friend (dnrw) It's weird that this is Patricia Highsmith, right? That Dennis Hopper is playing Tom Ripley? In a cowboy hat? I gather that Minghella's version wasn't true to the source, but I do love that movie, and this is a long, long way from that. This Mr. Ripley isn't even particularly talented! Anyway, this has one really great sequence, where a regular guy has been coerced by crooks into murdering someone on a train platform, and, when the moment comes to shoot, he doesn't. And what follows is a prolonged sequence of an amateur trying to surreptitiously tail a guy across a train station and onto another train, and all the while you're not sure... is he going to do it? is he going to chicken out? is he going to do it so badly he gets caught? It's hard not to put yourself in the protagonist's shoes, wondering how you would handle the situation, whether you could do it, whether you could act on impulse before your conscience could catch up with you. It drags on a long while and this time it's a good thing. Didn't much like the rest of the movie, it's shapeless and often kind of corny, and the central plot hook is contrived. (It's also very weird that this is the only Wim Wenders I've seen.) But, hey, I got one excellent sequence, not gonna complain.

The Big Sleep Unlike the 1946 film, I can follow the plot of this Big Sleep. But, also unlike the 1946 version, this one isn't any damn fun. Mitchum is back as Marlowe (this is three Marlowes in five years, btw), and this time it's set in the 70's and in England, for some reason. I don't find this offensive, but neither do I see what it accomplishes? Most of the cast is still American. (Hi Jimmy!) Still holds together, but even less well than Farewell, My Lovely. But I do find it interesting that the neo-noir era keeps returning to Chandler while it's pretty much left Hammet behind (inasmuch as someone whose genes are spread wide through the whole genre can be left behind). Spade and the Continental Op, straightshooting tough guys who come out on top in the end, seem antiquated in the (post-)modern era. But Marlowe's goodness being out of sync with the world around him only seems more poignant the further you take him from his own time. Nowadays you can really only do Hammett as pastiche, but I sense that you could still play Chandler straight.

Eyes of Laura Mars The most De Palma movie I've seen not made by De Palma, complete with POV shots, paranormal hoodoo, and fixation with sex, death, and whether images of such are art or exploitation (or both). Laura Mars takes photographs of naked women in violent tableux, and has gotten quite famous doing so, but is it damaging to women? The movie has more than a superficial engagement with this topic, but only slightly more than superficial. Kept imagining a movie that is about 30% less serial killer story and 30% more art conversations. (But, then, I have an art degree and have never murdered anyone, so.) Like, museums are full of Biblical paintings full of nude women and slaughter, sometimes both at once, and they're called masterpieces. Most all of them were painted by men on commission from other men. Now Laura Mars makes similar images in modern trappings, and has models made of flesh and blood rather than paint, and it's scandalous? Why is it only controversial once women are getting paid for it? On the other hand, is this just the master's tools? Is she subverting or challenging the male gaze, or just profiting off of it? Or is a woman profiting off of it, itself, a subversion? Is it subversive enough to account for how it commodifies female bodies? These questions are pretty clearly relevant to the movie itself, and the movies in general, especially after the fall of the Hays Code when people were really unrestrained with the blood and boobies. And, heck, the lead is played by the star of Bonnie and Clyde! All this is to say: I wish the movie were as interested in these questions as I am. What's there is a mildly diverting B-picture. There's one great bit where Laura's seeing through the killer's eyes (that's the hook, she gets visions from the murderer's POV; no, this is never explained) and he's RIGHT BEHIND HER, so there's a chase where she charges across an empty room only able to see her own fleeing self from ten feet behind. That was pretty great! And her first kiss with the detective (because you could see a mile away that the detective and the woman he's supposed to protect are gonna fall in love) is immediately followed by the two freaking out about how nonsensical it is for them to fall in love with each other, because she's literally mourning multiple deaths and he's being wildly unprofessional, and then they go back to making out. That bit was great, too. The rest... enh.

The Onion Field What starts off as a seemingly not-that-noirish cops-vs-crooks procedural turns into an agonizingly protracted look at the legal system, with the ultimate argument that the very idea of the law ever resulting in justice is a lie. Hoo! I have to say, I'm impressed. There's a scene where a lawyer - whom I'm not sure is even named, he's like the seventh of thirteen we've met - literally quits the law over how long this court case about two guys shooting a cop has taken. He says the cop who was murdered has been forgotten, his partner has never gotten to move on because the case has lasted eight years, nothing has been accomplished, and they should let the two criminals walk and jail all the judges and lawyers instead. It's awesome! The script is loaded with digressions and unnecessary details, just the way I like it. Can't say I'm impressed with the execution. Nothing is wrong, exactly, but the performances all seem a tad melodramatic or a tad uninspired. Camerawork is, again, purely functional. It's no masterpiece. But that second half worked for me. (And it's Ted Danson's first movie! He did great.)

Body Heat (rw) Let's say up front that this is a handsomely-made movie. Probably the best looking thing on the list since Night Moves. Nothing I've seen better captures the swelter of an East Coast heatwave, or the lusty feeling of being too hot to bang and going at it regardless. Kathleen Turner sells the hell out of a femme fatale. There are a lot of good lines and good performances (Ted Danson is back and having the time of his life). I want to get all that out of the way, because this is a movie heavily modeled after Double Indemnity, and I wanted to discuss its merits before I get into why inviting that comparison doesn't help the movie out. In a lot of ways, it's the same rules as the Robert Mitchum Marlowe movies - do Double Indemnity but amp up the sex and violence. And, to a degree it works. (At least, the sex does, dunno that Double Indemnity was crying out for explosions.) But the plot is amped as well, and gets downright silly. Yeah, Mrs. Dietrichson seduces Walter Neff so he'll off her husband, but Neff clocks that pretty early and goes along with it anyway. Everything beyond that is two people keeping too big a secret and slowly turning on each other. But here? For the twists to work Matty has to be, from frame one, playing four-dimensional chess on the order of Senator Palpatine, and its about as plausible. (Exactly how did she know, after she rebuffed Ned, he would figure out her local bar and go looking for her at the exact hour she was there?) It's already kind of weird to be using the spider woman trope in 1981, but to make her MORE sexually conniving and mercenary than she was in the 40's is... not great. As lurid trash, it's pretty fun for a while, but some noir stuff can't just be updated, it needs to be subverted or it doesn't justify its existence.

Blow Out Brian De Palma has two categories of movie: he's got his mainstream, director-for-hire fare, where his voice is either reigned in or indulged in isolated sequences that don't always jive with the rest fo the film, and then there's his Brian De Palma movies. My mistake, it seems, is having seen several for-hires from throughout his career - The Untouchables (fine enough), Carlito's Way (ditto, but less), Mission: Impossible (enh) - but had only seen De Palma-ass movies from his late period (Femme Fatale and The Black Dahlia, both of which I think are garbage). All this to say: Blow Out was my first classic-era De Palma, and holy fucking shit dudes. This was (with caveats) my absolute and entire jam. I said I could enjoy good sleaze, and this is good friggin' sleaze. (Though far short of De Palma at his sleaziest, mercifully.) The splitscreens, the diopter shots, the canted angles, how does he make so many shlocky things work?! John Travolta's sound tech goes out to get fresh wind fx for the movie he's working on, and we get this wonderful sequence of visuals following sounds as he turns his attention and his microphone to various noises - a couple on a walk, a frog, an owl, a buzzing street lamp. Later, as he listens back to the footage, the same sequence plays again, but this time from his POV; we're seeing his memory as guided by the same sequence of sounds, now recreated with different shots, as he moves his pencil in the air mimicking the microphone. When he mixes and edits sounds, we hear the literal soundtrack of the movie we are watching get mixed and edited by the person on screen. And as he tries to unravel a murder mystery, he uses what's at hand: magnetic tape, flatbed editors, an animation camera to turn still photos from the crime scene into a film and sync it with the audio he recorded; it's forensics using only the tools of the editing room. As someone who's spent some time in college editing rooms, this is a hoot and a half. Loses a bit of steam as it goes on and the film nerd stuff gives way to a more traditional thriller, but rallies for a sound-tech-centered final setpiece, which steadily builds to such madcap heights you can feel the air thinning, before oddly cutting its own tension and then trying to build it back up again. It doesn't work as well the second time. But then, that shot right after the climax? Damn. Conflicted on how the movie treats the female lead. I get why feminist film theorists are so divided on De Palma. His stuff is full of things feminists (rightly) criticize, full of women getting naked when they're not getting stabbed, but he also clearly finds women fascinating and has them do empowered and unexpected things, and there are many feminist reads of his movies. Call it a mixed bag. But even when he's doing tropey shit, he explores the tropes in unexpected ways. Definitely the best movie so far that I hadn't already seen.

Cutter's Way (rw) Alex Cutter is pitched to us as an obnoxious-but-sympathetic son of a bitch, and, you know, two out of three ain't bad. Watched this during my 2020 neo-noir kick and considered skipping it this time because I really didn't enjoy it. Found it a little more compelling this go around, while being reminded of why my feelings were room temp before. Thematically, I'm onboard: it's about a guy, Cutter, getting it in his head that he's found a murderer and needs to bring him to justice, and his friend, Bone, who intermittently helps him because he feels bad that Cutter lost his arm, leg, and eye in Nam and he also feels guilty for being in love with Cutter's wife. The question of whether the guy they're trying to bring down actually did it is intentionally undefined, and arguably unimportant; they've got personal reasons to see this through. Postmodern and noirish, fixated with the inability to ever fully know the truth of anything, but starring people so broken by society that they're desperate for certainty. (Pretty obvious parallels to Vietnam.) Cutter's a drunk and kind of an asshole, but understandably so. Bone's shiftlessness is the other response to a lack of meaning in the world, to the point where making a decision, any decision, feels like character growth, even if it's maybe killing a guy whose guilt is entirely theoretical. So, yeah, I'm down with all of this! A- in outline form. It's just that Cutter is so uninterestingly unpleasant and no one else on screen is compelling enough to make up for it. His drunken windups are tedious and his sanctimonious speeches about what the war was like are, well, true and accurate but also obviously manipulative. It's two hours with two miserable people, and I think Cutter's constant chatter is supposed to be the comic relief but it's a little too accurate to drunken rambling, which isn't funny if you're not also drunk. He's just tedious, irritating, and periodically racist. Pass.

Blood Simple (rw) I'm pretty cool on the Coens - there are things I've liked, even loved, in every Coen film I've seen, but I always come away dissatisfied. For a while, I kept going to their movies because I was sure eventually I'd love one without qualification. No Country for Old Men came close, the first two acts being master classes in sustained tension. But then the third act is all about denying closure: the protagonist is murdered offscreen, the villain's motives are never explained, and it ends with an existentialist speech about the unfathomable cruelty of the world. And it just doesn't land for me. The archness of the Coen's dialogue, the fussiness of their set design, the kinda-intimate, kinda-awkward, kinda-funny closeness of the camera's singles, it cannot sell me on a devastating meditation about meaninglessness. It's only ever sold me on the Coens' own cleverness. And that archness, that distancing, has typified every one of their movies I've come close to loving. Which is a long-ass preamble to saying, holy heck, I was not prepared for their very first movie to be the one I'd been looking for! I watched it last year and it remains true on rewatch: Blood Simple works like gangbusters. It's kind of Double Indemnity (again) but played as a comedy of errors, minus the comedy: two people romantically involved feeling their trust unravel after a murder. And I think the first thing that works for me is that utter lack of comedy. It's loaded with the Coens' trademark ironies - mostly dramatic in this case - but it's all played straight. Unlike the usual lead/femme fatale relationship, where distrust brews as the movie goes on, the audience knows the two main characters can trust each other. There are no secret duplicitous motives waiting to be revealed. The audience also know why they don't trust each other. (And it's all communicated wordlessly, btw: a character enters a scene and we know, based on the information that character has, how it looks to them and what suspicions it would arouse, even as we know the truth of it). The second thing that works is, weirdly, that the characters aren't very interesting?! Ray and Abby have almost no characterization. Outside of a general likability, they are blank slates. This is a weakness in most films, but, given the agonizingly long, wordless sequences where they dispose of bodies or hide from gunfire, you're left thinking not "what will Ray/Abby do in this scenario," because Ray and Abby are relatively elemental and undefined, but "what would I do in this scenario?" Which creates an exquisite tension but also, weirdly, creates more empathy than I feel for the Coens' usual cast of personalities. It's supposed to work the other way around! Truly enjoyable throughout but absolutely wonderful in the suspenseful-as-hell climax. Good shit right here.

Body Double The thing about erotic thrillers is everything that matters is in the name. Is it thrilling? Is it erotic? Good; all else is secondary. De Palma set out to make the most lurid, voyeuristic, horny, violent, shocking, steamy movie he could come up with, and its success was not strictly dependent on the lead's acting ability or the verisimilitude of the plot. But what are we, the modern audience, to make of it once 37 years have passed and, by today's standards, the eroticism is quite tame and the twists are no longer shocking? Then we're left with a nonsensical riff on Vertigo, a specularization of women that is very hard to justify, and lead actor made of pulped wood. De Palma's obsessions don't cohere into anything more this time; the bits stolen from Hitchcock aren't repurposed to new ends, it really is just Hitch with more tits and less brains. (I mean, I still haven't seen Vertigo, but I feel 100% confident in that statement.) The diopter shots and rear-projections this time look cheap (literally so, apparently; this had 1/3 the budget of Blow Out). There are some mildly interesting setpieces, but nothing compared to Travolta's auditory reconstructions or car chase where he tries to tail a subway train from street level even if it means driving through a frickin parade like an inverted French Connection, goddamn Blow Out was a good movie! Anyway. Melanie Griffith seems to be having fun, at least. I guess I had a little as well, but it was, at best, diverting, and a real letdown.

The Hit Surprised by how much I enjoyed this one. Terrance Stamp flips on the mob and spends ten years living a life of ease in Spain, waiting for the day they find and kill him. Movie kicks off when they do find him, and what follows is a ramshackle road movie as John Hurt and a young Tim Roth attempt to drive him to Paris so they can shoot him in front of his old boss. Stamp is magnetic. He's spent a decade reading philosophy and seems utterly prepared for death, so he spends the trip humming, philosophizing, and being friendly with his captors when he's not winding them up. It remains unclear to the end whether the discord he sews between Roth and Hurt is part of some larger plan of escape or just for shits and giggles. There's also a decent amount of plot for a movie that's not terribly plot-driven - just about every part of the kidnapping has tiny hitches the kidnappers aren't prepared for, and each has film-long repercussions, drawing the cops closer and somehow sticking Laura del Sol in their backseat. The ongoing questions are when Stamp will die, whether del Sol will die, and whether Roth will be able to pull the trigger. In the end, it's actually a meditation on ethics and mortality, but in a quiet and often funny way. It's not going to go down as one of my new favs, but it was a nice way to spend a couple hours.

Trouble in Mind (dnrw) I fucking hated this movie. It's been many months since I watched it, do I remember what I hated most? Was it the bit where a couple of country bumpkins who've come to the city walk into a diner and Mr. Bumpkin clocks that the one Black guy in the back as obviously a criminal despite never having seen him before? Was it the part where Kris Kristofferson won't stop hounding Mrs. Bumpkin no matter how many times she demands to be left alone, and it's played as romantic because obviously he knows what she needs better than she does? Or is it the part where Mr. Bumpkin reluctantly takes a job from the Obvious Criminal (who is, in fact, a criminal, and the only named Black character in the movie if I remember correctly, draw your own conclusions) and, within a week, has become a full-blown hood, which is exemplified by a lot, like, a lot of queer-coding? The answer to all three questions is yes. It's also fucking boring. Even out-of-drag Divine's performance as the villain can't save it.

Manhunter 'sfine? I've still never seen Silence of the Lambs, nor any of the Hopkins Lecter movies, nor, indeed, any full episode of the show. So the unheimlich others get seeing Brian Cox play Hannibal didn't come into play. Cox does a good job with him, but he's barely there. Shame, cuz he's the most interesting part of the movie. Honestly, there's a lot of interesting stuff that's barely there. Will Graham being a guy who gets into the heads of serial killers is explored well enough, and Mann knows how to direct a police procedural such that it's both contemplative and propulsive. But all the other themes it points at? Will's fear that he understands murderers a little too well? Hannibal trying to nudge him towards becoming one? Whatever dance Hannibal and Tooth Fairy are doing? What Tooth Fairy's deal is, anyway? (Why does he wear fake teeth and bite things? Why is he fixated on the red dragon? Does the bit where he says "Francis is gone forever" mean he has DID?) None of it goes anywhere or amounts to anything. I mean, it's certainly more interesting with this stuff than without, but it has that feel of a book that's been pared of its interesting bits to fit the runtime (or, alternately, pulp that's been sloppily elevated). I still haven't made my mind up on Mann's cold, precise camera work, but at least it gives me something to look at. It's fine! This is fine.

Mona Lisa (rw) Gave this one another shot. Bob Hoskins is wonderful as a hood out of his depth in classy places, quick to anger but just as quick to let anger go (the opening sequence where he's screaming on his ex-wife's doorstep, hurling trash cans at her house, and one minute later thrilled to see his old car, is pretty nice). And Cathy Tyson's working girl is a subtler kind of fascinating, exuding a mixture of coldness and kindness. It's just... this is ultimately a story about how heartbreaking it is when the girl you like is gay, right? It's Weezer's Pink Triangle: The Movie. It's not homophobic, exactly - Simone isn't demonized for being a lesbian - but it's still, like, "man, this straight white guy's pain is so much more interesting than the Black queer sex worker's." And when he's yelling "you woulda done it!" at the end, I can't tell if we're supposed to agree with him. Seems pretty clear that she wouldn'ta done it, at least not without there being some reveal about her character that doesn't happen, but I don't think the ending works if we don't agree with him, so... I'm like 70% sure the movie does Simone dirty there. For the first half, their growing relationship feels genuine and natural, and, honestly, the story being about a real bond that unfortunately means different things to each party could work if it didn't end with a gun and a sock in the jaw. Shape feels jagged as well; what feels like the end of the second act or so turns out to be the climax. And some of the symbolism is... well, ok, Simone gives George money to buy more appropriate clothes for hanging out in high end hotels, and he gets a tan leather jacket and a Hawaiian shirt, and their first proper bonding moment is when she takes him out for actual clothes. For the rest of the movie he is rocking double-breasted suits (not sure I agree with the striped tie, but it was the eighties, whaddya gonna do?). Then, in the second half, she sends him off looking for her old streetwalker friend, and now he looks completely out of place in the strip clubs and bordellos. So far so good. But then they have this run-in where her old pimp pulls a knife and cuts George's arm, so, with his nice shirt torn and it not safe going home (I guess?) he starts wearing the Hawaiian shirt again. So around the time he's starting to realize he doesn't really belong in Simone's world or the lowlife world he came from anymore, he's running around with the classy double-breasted suit jacket over the garish Hawaiian shirt, and, yeah, bit on the nose guys. Anyway, it has good bits, I just feel like a movie that asks me to feel for the guy punching a gay, Black woman in the face needs to work harder to earn it. Bit of wasted talent.

The Bedroom Window Starts well. Man starts an affair with his boss' wife, their first night together she witnesses an attempted murder from his window, she worries going to the police will reveal the affair to her husband, so the man reports her testimony to the cops claiming he's the one who saw it. Young Isabelle Huppert is the perfect woman for a guy to risk his career on a crush over, and Young Steve Guttenberg is the perfect balance of affability and amorality. And it flows great - picks just the right media to res. So then he's talking to the cops, telling them what she told him, and they ask questions he forgot to ask her - was the perp's jacket a blazer or a windbreaker? - and he has to guess. Then he gets called into the police lineup, and one guy matches her description really well, but is it just because he's wearing his red hair the way she described it? He can't be sure, doesn't finger any of them. He finds out the cops were pretty certain about one of the guys, so he follows the one he thinks it was around, looking for more evidence, and another girl is attacked right outside a bar he knows the redhead was at. Now he's certain! But he shows the boss' wife the guy and she's not certain, and she reminds him they don't even know if the guy he followed is the same guy the police suspected! And as he feeds more evidence to the cops, he has to lie more, because he can't exactly say he was tailing the guy around the city. So, I'm all in now. Maybe it's because I'd so recently rewatched Night Moves and Cutter's Way, but this seems like another story about uncertainty. He's really certain about the guy because it fits narratively, and we, the audience, feel the same. But he's not actually a witness, he doesn't have actual evidence, he's fitting bits and pieces together like a conspiracy theorist. He's fixating on what he wants to be true. Sign me up! But then it turns out he's 100% correct about who the killer is but his lies are found out and now the cops think he's the killer and I realize, oh, no, this movie isn't nearly as smart as I thought it was. Egg on my face! What transpires for the remaining half of the runtime is goofy as hell, and someone with shlockier sensibilities could have made a meal of it, but Hanson, despite being a Corman protege, takes this silliness seriously in the all wrong ways. Next!

Homicide (rw? I think I saw most of this on TV one time) Homicide centers around the conflicted loyalties of a Jewish cop. It opens with the Jewish cop and his white gentile partner taking over a case with a Black perp from some Black FBI agents. The media is making a big thing about the racial implications of the mostly white cops chasing down a Black man in a Black neighborhood. And inside of 15 minutes the FBI agent is calling the lead a k*ke and the gentile cop is calling the FBI agent a f****t and there's all kinds of invective for Black people. The film is announcing its intentions out the gate: this movie is about race. But the issue here is David Mamet doesn't care about race as anything other than a dramatic device. He's the Ubisoft of filmmakers, having no coherent perspective on social issues but expecting accolades for even bringing them up. Mamet is Jewish (though lead actor Joe Mantegna definitely is not) but what is his position on the Jewish diaspora? The whole deal is Mantegna gets stuck with a petty homicide case instead of the big one they just pinched from the Feds, where a Jewish candy shop owner gets shot in what looks like a stickup. Her family tries to appeal to his Jewishness to get him to take the case seriously, and, after giving them the brush-off for a long time, finally starts following through out of guilt, finding bits and pieces of what may or may not be a conspiracy, with Zionist gun runners and underground neo-Nazis. But, again: all of these are just dramatic devices. Mantegna's Jewishness (those words will never not sound ridiculous together) has always been a liability for him as a cop (we are told, not shown), and taking the case seriously is a reclamation of identity. The Jews he finds community with sold tommyguns to revolutionaries during the founding of Israel. These Jews end up blackmailing him to get a document from the evidence room. So: what is the film's position on placing stock in one's Jewish identity? What is its position on Israel? What is its opinion on Palestine? Because all three come up! And the answer is: Mamet doesn't care. You can read it a lot of different ways. Someone with more context and more patience than me could probably deduce what the de facto message is, the way Chris Franklin deduced the de facto message of Far Cry V despite the game's efforts not to have one, but I'm not going to. Mantegna's attempt to reconnect with his Jewishness gets his partner killed, gets the guy he was supposed to bring in alive shot dead, gets him possibly permanent injuries, gets him on camera blowing up a store that's a front for white nationalists, and all for nothing because the "clues" he found (pretty much exclusively by coincidence) were unconnected nothings. The problem is either his Jewishness, or his lifelong failure to connect with his Jewishness until late in life. Mamet doesn't give a shit. (Like, Mamet canonically doesn't give a shit: he is on record saying social context is meaningless, characters only exist to serve the plot, and there are no deeper meanings in fiction.) Mamet's ping-pong dialogue is fun, as always, and there are some neat ideas and characters, but it's all in service of a big nothing that needed to be a something to work.

Swoon So much I could talk about, let's keep it to the most interesting bits. Hommes Fatales: a thing about classic noir that it was fascinated by the marginal but had to keep it in the margins. Liberated women, queer-coded killers, Black jazz players, broke thieves; they were the main event, they were what audiences wanted to see, they were what made the movies fun. But the ending always had to reassert straightlaced straight, white, middle-class male society as unshakeable. White supremacist capitalist patriarchy demanded, both ideologically and via the Hays Code, that anyone outside these norms be punished, reformed, or dead by the movie's end. The only way to make them the heroes was to play their deaths for tragedy. It is unsurprising that neo-noir would take the queer-coded villains and make them the protagonists. Implicature: This is the story of Leopold and Loeb, murderers famous for being queer, and what's interesting is how the queerness in the first half exists entirely outside of language. Like, it's kind of amazing for a movie from 1992 to be this gay - we watch Nathan and Dickie kiss, undress, masturbate, fuck; hell, they wear wedding rings when they're alone together. But it's never verbalized. Sex is referred to as "your reward" or "what you wanted" or "best time." Dickie says he's going to have "the girls over," and it turns out "the girls" are a bunch of drag queens, but this is never acknowledged. Nathan at one point lists off a bunch of famous men - Oscar Wild, E.M. Forster, Frederick the Great - but, though the commonality between them is obvious (they were all gay), it's left the the audience to recognize it. When their queerness is finally verbalized in the second half, it's first in the language of pathology - a psychiatrist describing their "perversions" and "misuse" of their "organs" before the court, which has to be cleared of women because it's so inappropriate - and then with slurs from the man who murders Dickie in jail (a murder which is written off with no investigation because the victim is a gay prisoner instead of a L&L's victim, a child of a wealthy family). I don't know if I'd have noticed this if I hadn't read Chip Delany describing his experience as a gay man in the 50's existing almost entirely outside of language, the only language at the time being that of heteronormativity. Murder as Love Story: L&L exchange sex as payment for the other commiting crimes; it's foreplay. Their statements to the police where they disagree over who's to blame is a lover's quarrel. Their sentencing is a marriage. Nathan performs his own funeral rites over Dickie's body after he dies on the operating table. They are, in their way, together til death did they part. This is the relationship they can have. That it does all this without romanticizing the murder itself or valorizing L&L as humans is frankly incredible.

Suture (rw) The pitch: at the funeral for his father, wealthy Vincent Towers meets his long lost half brother Clay Arlington. It is implied Clay is a child from out of wedlock, possibly an affair; no one knows Vincent has a half-brother but him and Clay. Vincent invites Clay out to his fancy-ass home in Arizona. Thing is, Vincent is suspected (correctly) by the police of having murdered his father, and, due to a striking family resemblence, he's brought Clay to his home to fake his own death. He finagles Clay into wearing his clothes and driving his car, and then blows the car up and flees the state, leaving the cops to think him dead. Thing is, Clay survives, but with amnesia. The doctors tell him he's Vincent, and he has no reason to disagree. Any discrepancy in the way he looks is dismissed as the result of reconstructive surgery after the explosion. So Clay Arlington resumes Vincent Towers' life, without knowing Clay Arlington even exists. The twist: Clay and Vincent are both white, but Vincent is played by Michael Harris, a white actor, and Clay is played by Dennis Haysbert, a Black actor. "Ian, if there's just the two of them, how do you know it's not Harris playing a Black character?" Glad you asked! It is most explicitly obvious during a scene where Vincent/Clay's surgeon-cum-girlfriend essentially bringing up phrenology to explain how Vincent/Clay couldn't possibly have murdered his father, describing straight hair, thin lips, and a Greco-Roman nose Haysbert very clearly doesn't have. But, let's be honest: we knew well beforehand that the rich-as-fuck asshole living in a huge, modern house and living it up in Arizona high society was white. Though Clay is, canonically, white, he lives an poor and underprivileged life common to Black men in America. Though the film's title officially refers to the many stitches holding Vincent/Clay's face together after the accident, "suture" is a film theory term, referring to the way a film audience gets wrapped up - sutured - in the world of the movie, choosing to forget the outside world and pretend the story is real. The usage is ironic, because the audience cannot be sutured in; we cannot, and are not expected to, suspend our disbelief that Clay is white. We are deliberately distanced. Consequently this is a movie to be thought about, not to to be felt. It has the shape of a Hitchcockian thriller but it can't evoke the emotions of one. You can see the scaffolding - "ah, yes, this is the part of a thriller where one man hides while another stalks him with a gun, clever." I feel ill-suited to comment on what the filmmakers are saying about race. I could venture a guess about the ending, where the psychiatrist, the only one who knows the truth about Clay, says he can never truly be happy living the lie of being Vincent Towers, while we see photographs of Clay/Vincent seemingly living an extremely happy life: society says white men simply belong at the top more than Black men do, but, if the roles could be reversed, the latter would slot in seamlessly. Maybe??? Of all the movies in this collection, this is the one I'd most want to read an essay on (followed by Swoon).

The Last Seduction (dnrw) No, no, no, I am not rewataching this piece of shit movie.

Brick (rw) Here's my weird contention: Brick is in color and in widescreen, but, besides that? There's nothing neo- about this noir. There's no swearing except "hell." (I always thought Tug said "goddamn" at one point but, no, he's calling The Pin "gothed-up.") There's a lot of discussion of sex, but always through implication, and the only deleted scene is the one that removed ambiguity about what Brendan and Laura get up to after kissing. There's nothing postmodern or subversive - yes, the hook is it's set in high school, but the big twist is that it takes this very seriously. It mines it for jokes, yes, but the drama is authentic. In fact, making the gumshoe a high school student, his jadedness an obvious front, still too young to be as hard as he tries to be, just makes the drama hit harder. Sam Spade if Sam Spade were allowed to cry. I've always found it an interesting counterpoint to The Good German, a movie that fastidiously mimics the aesthetics of classic noir - down to even using period-appropriate sound recording - but is wholly neo- in construction. Brick could get approved by the Hays Code. Its vibe, its plot about a detective playing a bunch of criminals against each other, even its slang ("bulls," "yegg," "flopped") are all taken directly from Hammett. It's not even stealing from noir, it's stealing from what noir stole from! It's a perfect curtain call for the collection: the final film is both the most contemporary and the most classic. It's also - but for the strong case you could make for Night Moves - the best movie on the list. It's even more appropriate for me, personally: this was where it all started for me and noir. I saw this in theaters when it came out and loved it. It was probably my favorite movie for some time. It gave me a taste for pulpy crime movies which I only, years later, realized were neo-noir. This is why I looked into Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and In Bruges. I've seen it more times than any film on this list, by a factor of at least 3. It's why I will always adore Rian Johnson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It's the best-looking half-million-dollar movie I've ever seen. (Indie filmmakers, take fucking notes.) I even did a script analysis of this, and, yes, it follows the formula, but so tightly and with so much style. Did you notice that he says several of the sequence tensions out loud? ("I just want to find her." "Show of hands.") I notice new things each time I see it - this time it was how "brushing Brendan's hair out of his face" is Em's move, making him look more like he does in the flashback, and how Laura does the same to him as she's seducing him, in the moment when he misses Em the hardest. It isn't perfect. It's recreated noir so faithfully that the Innocent Girl dies, the Femme Fatale uses intimacy as a weapon, and none of the women ever appear in a scene together. 1940's gender politics maybe don't need to be revisited. They say be critical of the media you love, and it applies here most of all: it is a real criticism of something I love immensely.

[mangoofthesea]

So I'm rewatching Yuri!!! On Ice for the first time since 2016 and I'm finding it fascinating watching a piece of media while being in a different time of my life is showing me about how my view of the world has changed and giving me a mad level of comparison for my past self vs my present self (heads up this will be a ramble evaluating how I've changed in the last 5 along through contemplating my relationship with how I have experienced watching yoi then )

So firstly let me set out who I was when I first watched yoi. In 2016 I was a lonely, sad 14 year old struggling with my mental health and struggling with feeling much of anything. I watched yoi over a couple nights lying on my bed hanging out in my room as was the only way I existed at that time when not at school. I had joined tumblr the year before but only started using my account at the beginning of that year. This was also the year I had got into fandom but I had not got very deep and it was before I had made any fan content myself either.

I watched yoi and found it awesome, I loved it. It was a fantastic and I also realised that watching something with subtitles kept me engaged more than most anything else.

But I remember being confused by it, because I had heard it was 'the gay skating anime' and to me at that age I couldn't spot a canon gay relationship. I was waiting for a conclusive declaration of 'they are definitely together'. Only when the rings were exchanged at the end was I somewhat like 'yeah that seems pretty close'. But I was so cynical and thought 'well, it's fairly gay but I think it's a bit more fanon than canon' like the fool I was

Watching it a second time has been fascinating and I have honestly been able to appreciate so much more about it than the last time.

Where I'm at now is I'm 19, I have since left the school I was at and gone to college (UK college, not university) and got A levels in English and other analytical subjects which rely on studying what you are given and questioning it. I have been heavily part of many more fandoms in the last 5 years, primarily Supernatural (which you can read into for yourself on how that has changed my outlook on canon/not canon opinion for ships). I have made fan art and headcanons and written more than 80k of fanfic and plus other creative writing and written hundreds of essays on how to read into content into what is said between the lines.

I am also now in a far better place mentally. I have amazing friendships which I couldn't have dreamed of when I first watched this. I have friends both in fandom and out of it, I have an idea of what I'm doing with my life when in 2016 I couldn't see much further than the end of the year. And more than anything the way I am watching this show again is highlighting the difference. I now watch yoi lounging on my sofa in the living room, perched on my dining table in between doing college work and uni research, or curled on my bed before I go to sleep. I no longer feel isolated (even though I do in a different way because of the pandemic meaning I've had to stay inside for almost a year for personal reasons but that's different to what it was then)

It has been fascinating watching yoi in this period of my life. Now knowing what makes something good or bad writing, and also knowing that the way Yuri and Victor behave is not normal for any kind of platonic friendship (rewatching has also helped me realise how much more socially inept I was as well as lacking literary analytical ability as I somehow found it difficult to see victuri as as gay as it is because oh my fuck there is no heterosexuals explanation for so much of this show. I have spent the last few days mentally screaming at my younger self 'you needed friends and critical thinking ability so fucking bad you sad stupid little weirdo').

In addition to this I have also experienced being in a romantic relationship in the last 2 years and the amount that has done for my kinda aro/asexual ass in recognising romantic signals has been a wonder (I just copy and paste compare to my own experiences but it feels like I've been given a cheat code for this stuff it's amazing)

What I'm saying is it is fascinating too watch yoi again now because I can see everything people were picking out then. The words and phrases mean a lot more to me and I understand so much more what's happening. I watched episode 6 today and then spent ages contemplating the point their romantic relationship began and deciding it must have been post Yuri's returning performance to professional skating. I am having FUN picking up the clues, playing connect the dots with the looks and the words and the expressions of love that I couldn't understand as a quiet, sad, and unaware 14 y/o who was doing her best to silence any form of emotion. Watching the creation of what I can now appreciate as a layered piece of writing that is also just FUN to watch.

I am just so enjoying watching this show again and being able to appreciate the fun of this very gay soft show about these two adorable chaotic skaters.

[redxblueihateloveyou]

spill the yoi hot takes :o

I’m really flattered with the amount of asks (I hope you won't mind that I combined at least 5, it's just easier this way), interested in my yoi opinions, I wasn’t planning to get into that honestly, until I mentioned it to my friend Alex (I’ve mentioned him here before without a name tho, he’s gay, he’s very into anime, he was also the one behind that 4am text “but how do u think Rin’s teeth feel on Haru’s dick” lol). 

I just didn't want to rewatch it, as I've said before, but something he said got me very intrigued and last week ended up with me staying until 7am for a virtual watch party that got pretty hilarious, but not for the yoi reasons lol.

So just know that to be completely fair we did it and I'm saying everything below with a very fresh impression, which hasn't changed really bc like I'm 25, I was watching it the first time when I was 21, not 14 xD. I think it got worse actually.

Once again, I know that since they’re both gay sports animes comparisons are inevitable, but to me one has nothing to do with the other and no matter the fact that I adore Free! and don’t like YOI, I don’t want to throw words like smth is “superior” out there, bc I don’t want to be like those YOI fans back in the days, who thought that none other gay ships should exist after this (unless they say smth specifically for me to counterattack, then I can say whatever lol).

Like if you love stories like this, it’s okay. Like what you like. But to yell at everybody that they must think that this is how relationships should be and trash every other gay ship in existence, you maybe should not, especially when you don’t really have much to be proud of. Just like kisses don’t make a love story high-quality, full censorship doesn’t take away a good love story.

"Heaven official’s blessing” is also censored, but no matter how much you censor it, their love for each other is seen in their actions so clear, that it is in fact will not take anything away from the power of their feelings and the greatness of their love story if at the end they won’t show them kissing. Just like if I kiss a random stranger on the street, it won’t make us the best couple in the world.

Now I went into watching YOI unbiased the 1st time I watched it (I did watch it after Free, bc it was in “recommended”). I did not expect it to be “like Free”, I just wanted smth that’ll give me the same kind of emotion, investment in the story, ship, etc. It didn’t, so I just moved on.

I didn’t even think deep about why. I thought I just grew out of the “Cinderella” stories a long time ago or as it was here not very gracefully called “how to turn the pig into the prince”.

Like if you want the “she’s all that” but with the boy instead of a girl, you’ll probably enjoy YOI. But once again, love stories I enjoy are the opposite of those. It's really nothing bad, if you enjoy the stuff like “Someday my prince will come” in whatever age tbh, but I since a certain age just wasn’t invested in those anymore and began to obsess with stories like “Anastasia” instead, and I’m talking about love stories with less naivety in between and feelings out of nowhere, but more stuff like “yes, bitch, I find you attractive, true, but whether I fall for you unconditionally or not, only real life situations will tell later on”.

And I don’t mean stuff like going through war together or some epic journey, but grown ups must know those. Those life situations or even tiny things someone do, that make you not only fall for someone, but think “yeah, I can imagine my life with you”.

Like in my humble opinion, you can’t fall in love with someone bc of the way they swim or skate, for example. What ppl call “love at first sight” is in fact “attraction at first sight”. So yes, we do joke about Rin falling in love at first sight, bc he did in fact walked into the hall, saw Haru and was like “dat bitch is so fine”, even tho he was just standing there, but once again, he was just attracted to him. What happens after this is you can go on a whole beautiful journey with tiny Rin putting together the prettiest puzzle of why he falls for Nanase Haruka. In such little things like when Haru slowed down when he saw Nagisa feeling bad during running and Rin was like “omg you’re so uwu”, how he mentions that he always helps ppl, but never asks for help himself, he slowly gradually paints a picture of what kind of person Haru is, same goes for Haru about Rin. And then you have a whole story of them falling for each other all over again when they’re already adults, and you again watch it through their eyes, and once again I’m not in fact talking about some grand gestures like 1x12, I’m talking about stuff like them focusing on Haru’s eyes shaking, when he saw that Rin secretly helps Rei to learn how to swim. It’s the little things, that you watch and you get why they feel what they feel for each other. And that also makes you fall in love more with their characters by seeing how the other sees them.

YOI doesn’t have those moments. Not only they weren’t in any situations that would make them know each other for who they really are, they hardly even know the basic info about one another. Hell, the viewer doesn’t know anything about them. And this is why to me it goes into the category of those typical romcoms I can’t get invested in.

So I don’t think these two can be compared. And while some yell “bc you’re not canon, but yoi is canon”, I think they can’t be compared for another reason. Bc some ppl are trying to prove to me that a 27 years old man fell head over heels in love with someone overnight during a drunk banquet, then watched a vid of him skating and flew to another country and hey “if you win a gold medal, lets get married”. This is not the kind of relationship progression I’m looking for like at all. Between that time he started training him and their “censored kiss” there was nothing and I mean nothing that’d made me go “yeah, I see why he loves him”.

But anyways, lets live piecefully really, you can like one, you can like both, it’s all okay.

Like I know many have ptsd and it’s true that back when YOI was popular, most of their fans for real did annoy to death almost everyone, bc they yelled that No.6 is trash, when someone said “but you’re not the only one gay story that’s not based on sex”. They yelled that Free! has no right to exist bc its queerbating (LOL). By that time, I’m not gonna lie I was ready to poke my eyes out each time I saw smth YOI related, bc it was like: you make a multigay shipping vid -  “how dare u not include YOI”, you make a gifset - “you forgot YOI” like I HAD TO like it just bc it’s gay. There is no such rule to me. Just like I don’t care for some hetero romances, I don’t care for some gay romances. Simple is that. Once again gay has nothing to do with the relationships dynamic and the story.

Yeah, comments about fanservice. Like why should I watch Victor’s naked ass for several minutes every episode, but don’t get to see Haru or Rin’s at least once? So salty rn.

Free is more fanservice-y.. well, it’s hella fanservicy, yes, but like we can’t swim in shirts, you can tho not show naked ass in each episode, I thought you were skating. 

See, it’s all debatable.

But I do wish ppl stop putting yoi relationships on a piedestal, their relationship are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far from being inspirational for many and not even close to the what love is in my opinion. If you seek smth of a very high standart of gay love, choose MDZS for example, idk. But don’t throw YOI at ppls faces as a “this is how should be”. Not everyone wants that.

I don’t need a half-assed engagement and esp the censored kiss (like either do it or don’t do it at all honestly). Also stuff like this should carry weight. I don’t want things for the sake of things.

Like to me Rin’s “the only thing that hasn’t changed in my life is how I feel about you” speech, considering the fact that he felt like that throughout all those years, means hella more, than this. 

I think 1stly, it’s because of the “it’s like it was a destiny xD” factor and 2ndly, bc at least this scene gives a little more sense to the fact that he flew to another country to train him. Now it’s if “I fell MADLY in love in one drunk night and was pining my whole life after that and that vid was a sign for me to go see you again” makes any sense to you. At least that’s how some fans read it.

Once again it might be a good thing for a passable one-time romantic comedy. But plots and pairings like this is what made me turn to anime in the first place, so.. sorry lol.

All this mega tragic posts of “Victor was soooo in love for such long time, it’s so sad” made me laugh so hard. Like he feel in love so hard during a one drunk banquet with a guy who was so drunk he didn’t remember anything he did? WHY? HOW? what could he possibly do to make him fall that hard, no one knows. Like to me the only reason u can fall for someone in one night is if you saw him risking his life saving a kitten or a puppy from a car or smth.

I’m just not the kind of person who thinks you can fall for someone for no reasons. Again, you can find someone attractive and go from there, but there must be things along the way that will make me believe in the progression of it. It can of course all come in the future, but the story was what the story was. Whatever you are trying to add to it is already a fanfiction.

YOI is not boring per se, bc everything goes way too fast and sometimes with no reasoning, so I was more surprised that “this was it?” lmao. But their relationships are dull, yes. Bc there is nothing to even discuss really, you can only assume things, bc the whole thing didn’t give u much, esp in the characters department. It’s just really funny to me that someone would write a whole post of “I love this character bc I presume he’s like that”, usually it’s “I love this character bc facts, facts, facts”.

______

Now back to the beginning of my post and to the funny story that happened. We were randomly discussing shit, when I mentioned about possibly rewatching YOI, bc I didn’t want to start talking about smth in case I forgot some stuff (I didn’t btw lol) and turned out that he freaking disliked it a lot. I never even asked, for some reason, and we’ve been yelling about Free! and other stuff for ages and like his boyfriend is in love with Sousuke and they both adore rinharu to death.

And he has lots of gay friends who love Free (this made me happy the most, btw during our YOI chat I asked and it was 4:1 harurin:rinharu haha I win) and some ships from Haikyuu too, but turns out that literally none of them were into YOI. And the funniest thing he said was “bc it felt more heterosexual than some heterosexual stories I’ve watched”. Now I don’t know if it would make sense to anyone else out there, but I kinda did get what he meant.

I asked if it was bc of the “fairytale setting” and the fact that no one cared that they’re gay (bc “in front of the stadium?!” was the reaction, when I told them “there was a cencored kiss here” (btw not everyone got it lolz) and then “did they just write the story with a girl, but then changed it by the end?”), but they said “no, just the overall feeling”.

And like everyone knows that YOI targeted audience is hetero girls. It wasn’t made for the sake of the LGBT community and none of the homophobic ppl will watch it either, no matter what some think. So for whom they did it the way they did it is very questionable tbh. They say it’s the LGBT representation in anime, and yes, good, great, always happy about, but isn’t it kinda funny that some of LGBT representatives don’t even feel like it apparently.

Now I’m just saying some, I’ve asked him to ask around out of curiousity, and it was only 11 gay guys in total, who watched it, including our company and his bf who was forced into it haha, but 11 is quite a lot, considering the fact that not even 1 liked it. But then somehow stuff like MDZS and even uncanonical mikayuu was highly appreciated and loved, bc it accidentally made a dent in some extra conservative parents and dull ppl.

It’s just much more interesting to hear what guys who are actually dating guys think about all those kind of animes and ships, than some girls here who yell at me stuff like “why are you supporting queerbating”. Btw I asked Alex if he’s offended by that, he said “no, but we for real think they’re doing it” lmao.

It is supposed to be funny. You didn’t get it wrong. But if you saw many ppl would aggressively disagree with you. I just thought that “analysis” was an “interpretive process that draws conclusions from a set of facts”, not “writing a fanfiction based on assumptions”, but then again to each their own. 

The problem is that I don’t even get what’s cute about it, it’s just absurd to me. Like it’s pulled out of an ass, for real. They’re not in the stage of a relationships, when I would find such thing romantic. And all the agressive denying of the fact that it was indeed wedding rings made this scene cringy, too. The whole thing is cringy to me idk. The “win the gold, only then we’ll get married”.... It all gave me a weird feeling. The opposite of “touching”.

So in conclusion, when you skip most of the important parts of the love story and jump into stuff just for the sake of it, then also make fun of it, it leaves a hella weird impression and aparently not just to me.

And once again trying to market some primitive story as an epic love story, just bc it’s gay is extremely weird to me. If you make 50 shades of grey gay, it’s not gonna suddenly become a pulitzer prize winning kind of book, it’ll stay the same dumb af story with dumb af characters, but gay.

So being happy about some representation (and btw they still managed to add stuff like “its not gay if you exchange rings with your hommies” here and there and make it “hahahaha joking”), I get it, but to say that this what all the gay ships should aim for, pls stop. We really don’t wanna. Sincerelly. 

We here stick to a motto “I can picture the kiss of the characters whose story is so amazing, that the kiss is the only thing missing, but if I basically have just a picture of two guys kissing, I won’t write a whole story myself.”

P.S. I will forever laugh now tho at the fact that calling your bf a “pig” and being an arogant asshole without any canonically established reasonings is a great relationships, but Adam with his past gets what he gets now for the “dog” comments even tho his bf enjoys it lmao like I did not remember this bits in YOI. I honestly thought it was like completely “unproblematic” one, but it’s like hilariously not. So what ppl are trying to even put out their as a “pinnacle of the lgbt representation” as you say, like there are for real older yaois that are much better than this.

[blanket-hole]

Im calling this the faberry files cos I feel like a spy when I'm really just very gay

This is just basically timestamps of every faberry moment I could find as I was rewatching season 1-3. I don't know if anyone wants to see it but I just put it here cos why not. I wasn't really planning on posting it but here we are so it features my gay ass commentary. Anyway there u go.

gay ass looks-

-1x04- so far I’ve seen a gay ass look Quinn gives Rachel at 35:36

-1x05-39:50-not that gay but a little bit, also long

-1x09-43:02 she looks so adoring

-1x10-during endless love

-1x11-9:37 voiceover is mean but just look at those eyes and tell me I’m wrong,34:00 she literally looks so adoringly I can’t

-1x12-10:41 pretends not to see her only to look straight (or not) at her

-1x15-35:02 they’re even talking about love at the time and sitting weirdly close for enemies

-1x16-41:30 

-1x20-43:06 I can’t really see where she’s looking under those long ass lashes but I think when Rachel does that little giggle she stares at her while smiling, might just be Faberry goggles tho

-1x22-9:05 I think thats like the cutest smile my little gay heart, 14:23 Quinn is fully checking her out rn like not even subtle they’re on stage

-2x04 16:12, 41:48 at Rachel singing

-2x07-23:19 that could in no way be regarded as a platonic look of enjoying the song, especially since its just started 

-2x09- 43:04 part of dog days but its just so cute them holding hands also weird since they are still meant to hate each other lol

-2x10-6:03 this could just be my Faberry goggles but im counting it :D, 31:20 staring at Rachel while she looks sad

-2x11-11:04 could be at puck but she was looking at Rachel before when they were further apart so imma take the w also Diana looks really cute in this bit

-2x16- 4:27 is being kinda mean but also the way she looks at her <3<3<3 :DD also 5:21 if u don’t want to wait through a bit of a scene and the look then is suuuuper gay, 43:17 she looks so proud of her girlfriend :DDDDD

-2x18-52:49 she looks like such a proud girlfriend in this bit

-2x21-1:29 its only a quick look from Quinn tho

-3x06-28:26 Quinn gives Rachel the GAYEST lingering look at the end of the song (unless my eyes deceive me but I don’t think they do cos I’ve checked like 3 times :DDD)

-3x07- 25:00 this is possible the outright gayest look from Quinn ive ever seen, its during one of the songs but I had to put it in

-3x08- 41:10 the look of joy on Quinns face when Rachel touches her shoulder is just pure gay energy

-3x14- 17:27 ‘for the rest of my life’ looks at Quinn, ffs just get married already, 24:07 she literally bites her lip like wth how is this not canon

-3x19- 39:08 kind of but Quinn looks really happy when he says Rachel Berryand its so cute

Scenes together-

-before I had this idea- the “eavesdrop much” talk, and a couple of other things e.g. the ru Paul scene and the sweetie scene. 

-1x05-41:59 during somebody to love weird foot tap thing

-1x06- 18:34 gay ass looks as well, 22:58

-1x07-21:45, 28:53 (the you obviously have a lot you need to express scene), 32:07 they just get wierdly closer for no reason

-1x09-26:09 not much but still

-1x13-3:06, 11:01

-1x15-34:18 sitting really close together next to each other when they’re meant to not like each other?

-1x20-5:42 they also sit really close and a bit of gay staring

-2x02 35:40 (on left of stage next to mike) they’re seen really close and talking, 38:55 standing unreasonably close and also in weird positions for a conversation, 31:28 Quinn looks really sad when Rachel sings to Finn (could also be a Fuinn thing tho so idk)

-2x04 28:11

-2x08-9:44

-2x13- 30:51

-2x14-8:19 its shortcut the level of gay panic on Quinns face is enough for its own spot

-2x15-0:03 how closeted is it to be the only two in the celibacy club fighting over a guy that neither of them want or need lmao I just think its really funny

-2x16-9:31 the level of gay panic on racehls face when she says she’s right is just a mood, 22:27 I think this is  a scene about miscommunication and Quinn blatantly states that she thinks Rachel is much better than Finn and that she believes in her I have a lot of feelings about this scene but ill leave it at that

-2x17-16:20

-2x18-2:38 not much tho, 10:53 they’re being civil and touchy feely also leads into pretty/unpretty, 21:50 when it pans to Quinn it makes it seem like it would be a Fuinn jealousy scene but she doesn’t look jealous at all just a bit sad i think she possibly is worried about Rachel and while she understands (which is why she’s helping) she wants her to feel beautiful in her own skin sorry if I read a bit too far in lol

-2x20-29:42, 33:12, 35:30 I love how finn last episode said Quinn was so closed off with her feelings and then this scene like maybe she can be herself around Rachel idk

-3x01-10:57 Skank Quinn fully checks Rachel out as she’s leaving in this scene also right after a scene where she said she’s not interested in the boys

-3x05-22:55 talking about finchel tho

-3x08-0:00, 21:54, 37:48

-3x11-14:28,20:00 is also a gay ass look but shes talking to Rachel so I put it here

-3x12-13:09 she only taps Rachel tho

-3x13-15:43 Quinn is acting like the stereotypical ‘gentleman’ and its very Faberry canon esque, to put it the best can

-3x14-34:28 this scene I just can’t the way Quinn lights up when she see her and her voice softens a bit and what she said this is the gayest scene no-one can explain it it a hetero way just ahh

-3x15-10:28 they’re holding hands :DD

-3x19-31:48 

-3x22-23:12 those tickets cost so much money I swear they should have been way better friends after high school pft, 40:15 Quinn looks so proud of her girlfriend

Possible scenes, could be just drama-

-1x09-29:27 could be at Rachel

-2x10-12:40 kind of about being sad about Finn but could be jealousy?

-2x16- 34:47 could be about Faberry but is framed as finchel or fuinn

-2x17- 37:28 probably just finchel drama but still Faberry jealousy

-2x18-17:16 they say how they’re ‘fighting about Rachel again’ and Im putting it in idc about finchel :DD

-2x19- 23:19 more about Fuinn like always in this category but Faberry jealousy

-2x22-2:27, 3:29, 8:25 finchel/fuinn/faberry jealousy

Sitting really close when they’re meant to not like each other-

-1x15-34:18 

-1x19-32:33 

-1x20-19:16 in the scene Quinn kinda checks her out but then they stand really close so I put it here

-2x02 23:24 sits really close to Rachel when she dresses in her Britney Spears costume and in the scene Quinn looks like she’s purposefully trying not to look at her and at 29:20 Quinn chose to sit right behind Rachel again, 39:52 seen sitting right behind her again

-2x10- 35:03 standing really close when it would make a difference if Quinn stood anywhere else (e.g. next to her friends or boyfriend) I just think its weird lol

-2x15- 6:28 (before Quinn starts plotting against Rachel, they’re in celibacy club together but all they do is argue so its still a bit weird)

-3x07- 4:54

I dont know where to put this-

-2x17- 35:10 they kinda just look a bit nervous and small interaction I just wanted to add this because I thought it was cute the way they moved around each other idk

-2x20- 14:46 Rachel knows Quinns eyes so well she knows the flower and colour of the ribbon (also gardenias are for secret love which it would surprise me if Rachel already knew)

-3x04-20:26 Rachel isn’t sitting near her boyfriend or anyone she’s even really friends with its a bit weird that shed be sitting in the corner right next to Quinn away from the other chairs

Songs- Ive probably missed a bunch of these but I tried lmao-

-somebody to love

-halo

-ride with me

-no air

-keep holding on

-bust a move

-proud Mary

-crazy in love

-imagine- there is a gay ass look

-you can’t always get what you want

-dont rain on my parade

-my life would suck without you

-gives u hell

-hello goodbye

-like a prayer

-home(kind of)

-give up the funk

-any way you want it

-faithfully

-dont stop delieving 

-Empire State of mind

-ice ice baby

-toxic

-damn it Janet

-time warp

-sweet transvestite

-start me up/living on a prayer

-hot patootie

-forget you

-umbrella/singin in the rain

-I think I wanna marry you

-just the way you are

-ive had the time of my life

-Valerie

-the Dog days are over

-the most wonderful day of the year

-welcome Christmas

-heads will roll/thriller

-fat bottomed girls

-sing

-blame it on the alcohol

-tik tok

-do you wanna touch

-afternoon delight

-get it right

-loser like me

-pretty/unpretty

-born this way

-pure imagination

-New York New York

-Fix you

-last Friday night

-hit me with your best shot/one way or another

-I cant go for that/ you make my dreams

-I kissed a girl

-feed the world

-summer nights

-we found love

-gotta be starting something

-Im sexy and I know it

-stereo hearts (not technicaly but a lot of Faberry so I’m putting it in)

-fly/I believe I can fly

-heres to us

-its not right but its okay

-its all coming back to me now

-paradise by the dashboard light

-we are the champions

-tongue tied

-you get what you give

[momentsofbllove]

So after rewatching Until We Meet Again (because why not?) I finally picked Where Your Eyes Linger as my next drama to watch.

I picked it because it's very short (just 8 episodes, about 10-15 minutes each) and because I had seen a lot of posts about how great it is.

My dudes... I am three minutes into this show and already losing my mind! I'm going to liveblog while I watch it because I'm bursting with feelings and if I wait until the end I feel like my only response will be ASFJDGSHSAAAFHUAA!!, you know?

Anywho... spoilers ahead, obviously.

EPISODE ONE:

Literally the first line Kang-gook speaks makes me love him. That unspoken menace of 'if it was you that hurt my friend, I'm going to beat your ass for daring to touch him'.

'I was wondering why you didn't appear.' We are 2 minutes in and establishing that these two are always together. It's just a fact and apparently everyone knows it. Yes. Yes, good.

The ICE in Han Tae-joo's eyes when the asshole calls Kang-gook a servant... even though Kang-gook admits it easily Tae-joo goes from 'this is all fun and games' to 'i hate this guy with a passion' in .003 seconds.

Yeeeees! I LIVE for the 'hurt me all you want but don't lay a hand on him' dynamic.

And now we're following up that by finding out that Kang-gook is basically a whipping-boy?! What?! 😧

Oh god, and that sweet look of reassurance that Kang-gook gives Tae-joo when his dad threatens to send him away. These two are killing me!

And now we have taking care of each other when they're hurt. This show is hitting all of my favorite tropes. I can't.

We go from oblivious flirting to gay panic to rolling around on the floor together... and end it all with Tae-joo gently stroking Kang-gook's ear to win the fight. Just... 😳

What?! Who just walks up to two random guys at a restaurant and asks who's the top/bottom?!! Like... ask if they're a couple MAYBE if you have no sense of boundaries, but that? Good grief!

Okay, I like this girl. Her clear dismissal of Tae-joo is boss energy. She has no time for spoiled rich boys who think too highly of themselves.

Tae-joo is so pleased that Kang-gook didn't give her his number. I see you, boy.

Wait, so they're just sharing a bed? Do they sleep together every night? Or did Kang-gook crawl into bed with Tae-joo in the middle of the night? Tae-joo tries to wake him but didn't seem surprised that he was there. What is happening?

Ooooh! Kang-gook is jealous! That ear stroking is for him and him alone, Tae-joo!

Well gosh! What a first episode. They packed so much into 12 minutes of screen time.

On to the next one!

EPISODE TWO:

Tae-joo's devastation at Kang-gook playfully suggesting he shouldn't be his bodyguard any more. Dang boy. Be more obvious!

Oh no! Kang-gook thinking he can never be with Tae-joo because of class status... that's always the best part of these master-servant dynamics, but it still always hurts!

It's such a small line, but it speaks volumes when Kang-gook says there's 'no need' to check his phone. He's here with Tae-joo... why would he need to talk to anyone else?

And then to find out that Tae-joo gave his number to that girl and is telling him to 'experiment'? Tae-joo... why are you stupid?

I feel bad for this girl. She really needs to listen to her (weirdly invasive) mom.

The fact that Kang-gook only feels like they can act as equals when they're sparring...

Did Tae-joo just say he strokes Kang-gook's ear to calm himself down? Boy, that is NOT heterosexual behavior.

Did Kang-gook just hurt him for real?! Boy, why are you stupid?

Girl, seriously... listen to your mother.

Oh god, he's got a sling and everything! Kang-gook, what did you do?! The poor boy just wanted to admire your muscles. Smh.

‘What do I do about washing up?’ Hmmm. I wonder... 🤔😆

'I really don't want to.' Kang-gook, you are a lying liar that lies!

Kang-gook... why? You know you don't care about this girl. Don't be dumb.

This boy... you hurt your wrist not your brain, you cannot possibly be this useless!

But if it means we get Kang-gook undressing you, it's fine. Be as useless as you want.

And hair washing. What is it about hair washing? It is good every single time.

Alright, well this just keeps getting better and better. Good thing this series is short because I'm definitely going to need to watch it a few more times.

EPISODE THREE:

Repeating the undressing and hair washing from the last episode. I am okay with this.

And Kang-gook letting himself get a little indulgent, bless.

Oh NOW you're worried about him dating and 'neglecting' you? Where was that worry when you were handing out his number to random girls? You've played yourself, Tae-joo.

Yeah, I don't think Kang-gook wants to take dating advice from you, you idiot. You're a player. 😠

And poor Kang-gook has to watch you be a player... uhg. Get your shit together, boy!

What... what are you doing, Tae-joo? Are you... pretending to be on a date with Kang-gook? This is not how you teach someone to date! 🤦‍♀️

'Isn't it a bit boring when it's just the two of us?' BOY! How are you THAT oblivious?!

Oof, Kang-gook has found his limits. Poor thing. He desperately wants all these things that Tae-joo keeps doing. The ear stroking, the touching, pulling him in so close. But you can see it's killing him to have these things when Tae-joo doesn't mean it the way he wants him to.

Uhg, these episodes are so short! I know it was originally supposed to be a movie and they had to change things up thanks to shut downs (edit: I maybe was wrong about this? was it always supposed to be a mini-series but then they recut it into a movie? idk.), but I feel like hardly anything gets to happen before we're moving on. I wonder if I could find it somewhere in one long cut. I did.

EPISODE FOUR:

Okay, Tae-joo is cute in his glasses.

And Kang-gook being a worried mother hen. Precious.

What?! The injury was fake?!! You had him wash your hair and cook for you and FEED you for nothing?! Boy, explain yourself!

'He's really going.' You pushed him into this! God you're so stupid. 🤦‍♀️

Oh child! This is not what you tell a guy on the first date! 😬

Oh, haha. She was joking. Still... I don't think this girl knows how to date any more than Kang-gook does.

Han Tae-joo, are you really crashing the date you forced your friend to go on in the first place? What is wrong with you?!

Wait... why does that guy want to hang out with Tae-joo? Because he's handsome? But not in an 'I want to date him' sort of way. I'm confused.

Tae-joo, stay out of their date! I want to root for you here, dude, but you are going about this all wrong.

Aaand now he's insulting them. Boy... why?

He's making... Kang-gook... walk home. Because he's a whiny baby that doesn't know how to handle his own feelings. I can't with him.

Okay, I'm actually kind of glad that this is a short series. Because you know that in a full BL series this nonsense would last at least another 5-6 hours of screen time. Lack of communication seems to be the #1 BL drama trope.

I'm going to stop for now, it's past midnight. I'll finish the series tomorrow. Episodes 4-8!

[wiener-blut]

concert report, I guess

Idk if anyone wants to hear this, but here’s my memories from the Lindemann show in Leipzig, 14th february 2020. Keep in mind, all of this is my own opinion, I don’t mean to attack anyone here, and that I could easily be mistaken with some, my memory loves playing games with me :^) Also if you’re still to attend a concert and don’t want to be spoilered, avoid this, obviously.

Waiting.

Drove by bike to the venue, arrived at around 1.30/2pm. Around 15 people were already there, waiting. They were really nice altogether. Into 3pm, people started to form a disciplined queue. Shitty weather, but at least no heavy rain. Cold, though. 4pm; I decided to drive back home to get rid of our bag (on my way to the bikes a man in his fifties asked me who’s playing tonight, pointing at the crowd, bewildered, I responded “Lindemann, front singer of Rammstein”, he was like “I read he was born here!!” super excited that he knew – he was cute lol so confused by how crazy people are); got into a rather unpleasant rainfall on my way back to the venue. 5pm; people were told to not stand on the street, so people gathered all around us, ignoring the built queue from before; assholes tried to cut in line. Got really crowded, people in front us were still being really kind and considerate, people behind us not so much. Last hour went by quickly, good company around us, save for some idiots. 6.30pm; security let us in – people from behind were pushing, not cool. Inside the venue, it was really chill, I even waited for @haifisch-ohne-traenen​, walked inside, people gathered around in the middle, low-key ran to our spot in the first row, right in front of Peter AW YEAH!!! Another wait til 8pm, filled with squeezing through people to get to the toilet and back, and chatting with the two guys behind us.

Jadu.

Shit, I’m so gay. She literally owned the stage so hard and her band mates were so cute and the keyboarder interacted with us a lot, he kept grinning at us whenever he saw us singing along; a perfect opening to an awesome night.

Aesthetic Perfection.

Surprisingly good tbh? Wasn’t the biggest fan after listening to some songs on youtube, but they’re a banger live. Really set the mood for the main act.

Lindemann.

Oh boy, where to start. First thing we saw was a video of Till in a diaper, with a bald head and the goggles from drsg’95 (at least I think it were those?), running and dancing around on the street, sucking his thumb (note: I reckon this video was shot a couple years ago). Actually hilarious, a surprisingly, and welcome, light hearted start to the show. I’m just gonna go through this song by song, because I suck at remembering things and need some kind of guidance lol.

Skills in Pills

Good song, good opener. The crowd went apeshit, it felt like the air was exploding, really unbelievably powerful. Peter was looking at us (naturally, because we were quite literally in his face), making faces, which he kept doing throughout the whole concert. Till was wandering across the stage, it seemed like he was noticing a lot of people, esp. in the first row, including us, huehue.

Ladyboy

One of my favorite Lindemann songs. Was so cool seeing and hearing it live, I went absolutely wild. I think this was the first time they changed places, and Jonathan (the one with the braided pigtails) came over to us, and whoops I fell in love.

Fat

Not the biggest fan of the song, admittedly. Still a good one. Good placement. The first time I glanced at the screen behind them, only did it one or two times more. I came here for the music, not some fucked up porn clips, I can easily find those on pornhub, thank you.

Ich Weiß Es Nicht

Never liked the verse, but the chorus is so touching to me, idk why. Sang my heart out at the chorus.

Allesfresser

Okay so I came prepared. I knew what was gonna happen. First half of the song was incredible, another fav song. Screamed my head off. Then, cakes were brought and ngl, it kinda took away from this awesome song for me. I really, really did not want to end up having cake smeared all over me by the first third of the concert. So I watched out for them, praying that they wouldn’t aim in our direction. Ended up with a few lil teeny tiny sprimkles on my arm and in my hair (that actually came from a cake Jonathan yeeted over our heads :3c), nothing too bad. Cake was actually delicious. Last cake was thrown by Sebastian, Peter’s son, Till was standing in the middle, in front of the drums, stealthily (so he thought) pointing to our side, but Sebastian didn’t catch it and threw it into the audience across from us and boy, you should’ve seen Till’s face lol. He looked so mad, internally. Also I was really happy to get to rewatch a clip from Hänsel und Gretel on the screen.

Frau & Mann

I have never seen a crowd go that hard to a song. Probably the loudest on the audience’s side. Was jumping a lot, Till came over a lot. Guess bobbing boobs really are an efficient Till-magnet. Actually, when the line “Kann dich nicht vergessen” (“Cannot forget you”) came on, Till pointed directly at us, like no fucking lie, we just froze. I know, I can’t be for sure, blah blah, but come on, just let me believe he pointed directly at us ok. There’s a video on youtube, where you see him pointing into the crowd at that line, that’s where we stood.

Knebel

Best choice they could’ve made regarding the placing of the song. Everyone was still hyped up from Frau & Mann, Knebel topped it. Starting out so calm and lovely, I really like the first half of the song. Beautiful lighting, they were so pretty in the blue light. Scream point hit, Lindemann hoaxed us into screaming MUND but made a break, Till shaking his head at us. Haha. Funny funny. Eh. I knew it was gonna happen, so it fell a bit flat for me personally, but okay I guess. Crowd went absolutely apeshit. So insane.

Home Sweet Home

Beautiful song, so heartfelt and a really good way to calm down after Frau & Mann and Knebel. Almost cried, ngl.

Cowboy

I. Fucking. Love. This. Song. Second time I looked at the screen and wow ngl, Till looked really good on the rodeo machine thing with his cowboy hat on lol. Also the song where Jonathan came over again and I made a heart with my hands and he smiled at me and :’)))

Golden Shower

Such a good song. My heart went big badum badum every time Peter shouted “Cunt” into the mic right in front of us, it felt like we were bonding just through shouting “Cunt” in unison lol. Also there was this part of them taking turns in raising their arms to the audience in time to the music, and I was laughing my ass off, because while Peter, Jonathan, and Sebastian all were perfectly in synch with the beat, Till always was a tad off and idk man, this shit was just so funny to me like c’mon Till, it’s not that hard.

Blut

Ah, yes. Like I said, we came prepared. We had our hoodies safely (and dryly) brought to the coatroom before the concert started so we were READY to get wet. The one thing I didn’t know though, the sprinkler system at the edge of the stage started right at the beginning of the song. I expected it to go off in like the middle of the song, or with the first chorus. So, sprinklers started, I saw the water coming. I thought “ah okay it’s just a little drizzle”, but boy, I was wrong. It felt like we were soaked after the second (and last) time we got sprayed. And actually? It was so nice. You know how concerts just make you all sweaty and drain your body from all water? I wouldn’t recommend trying to drink the water that was sprayed over us (it just had a weird smell to it, idk), but it was a welcome cooling, in that moment. Just imagine you feel like a little crop in the blazing sun, and then, finally, you get watered. Bye bye make up, but I just didn’t care lol. I don’t want to know what we looked like after that song. About the song itself; I didn’t mind the “interruption” at all, Blut is a decent song imo, but nothing more, so it didn’t bother me as much as the cake war during Allesfresser.

Platz Eins

Another top fav song for me. I’m not quite sure how to describe it, but Till and Peter climbing into that balloon thing and shuffling “out of reach” actually heightened my hype?? Like I could concentrate on really letting go during the song, screaming the lyrics out like there was no tomorrow. Also watching Jonathan and Sebastian’s little choreography was so entertaining. Jonathan being lifted up high also was something for the eye, at least for me :^) Also I remember the light show because it was gay. As in, so many vibrant rainbow colors. When Till and Peter returned to their starting point, Till climbed out, and Peter was holding his nose like Till just farted lol. The balloon started deflating and Peter mouthed an “OH NO” and when he climbed out, he made jazzy hands like “hell yeah guys I made it, I didn’t die in here”. Peter is a good man.

Praise Abort

Tbh, I don’t have many memories for this one. For me, one of Lindemann’s weaker songs, although it still slaps, don’t get me wrong. Just not one of my favorites. Only thing I remember is being happy about seeing the ballerinas from the mv on the screen in the background.

Fish On

Here we go again. After Praise Abort, I asked @haifisch-ohne-traenen​ if we wanted to change places, she looked at me like “You sure?” and I was like “Yeah, absolutely” – “You know which song comes next?” – “Oh. Nevermind lol”. I like Fish On, it’s my ringtone, but like with Allesfresser, the anticipation of the chances of getting hit by a fish kinda ruined the song for me. I couldn’t enjoy it as much. Also I was wondering why they needed so much time between Praise Abort and Fish On just to throw on this stupid raincoat. We successfully avoided all fish. A lot of them were thrown back on the stage by the audience, two of them hitting Till on the leg and arm, and one of them bowling down Till’s water bottles that stood in front of the drums. Also, when all fish were thrown, someone handed Till a last plate of fish pieces that he threw into the audience, but it slipped out of his hands and the plate went flying across the stage, shattering on a speaker and almost hitting the security guard that stood in front of us. I swear, that guard looked like he wanted to murder Till right at the spot lol (Also, this security guard was cute; he greeted us before the concert like “hi I’ll be your guardian for the next three hours”, he took pics of some people from the first row for them, and before the concert started, he got himself some gummy bears which he stuffed into his pocket to snack during the concert).

Ach So Gern

I was so mad about this?? But at the same time I was not?? So when they started Ach So Gern, they played the tango version and I was like !!! YES and I got all hyped up because I low-key hoped that, maybe, for valentine’s day, they’d switch the pain version for the tango version, but they didn’t. I guess if they HAD played the tango version though, I probably would’ve been mad I didn’t get to hear the pain version lol. The pain version definitely is more suited for a concert, I guess. And I still love it. Praise Peter. Seriously, he’s a god of music, just accept it.

Steh Auf

Incredible energy in the room when everyone’s screaming “Steh auf” on the top of their lungs. One of the most powerful songs live. Also Jonathan came over to us again and [insert heart eyes emoji].

Gummi

Okay, everyone slander me, but I really didn’t like this song as the finishing song. I don’t exactly love this song and I always skip it whenever I listen to F&M, so this was the only song I didn’t know the full lyrics to. It just doesn’t have either a specifically “deep” feeling to it, neither does it have the power I would expect from the last song of this kind of concert, if you get what I mean. For me, it was just missing this last, final BANG. Either that, or have a nice, calming song at the end, that will make people cry and think “fuck man, I don’t want this to end, but it’s been such a good concert”. Gummi just fell really flat for me as the final song. The happier I was when they put on an instrumental of Wer Weiß Das Schon, even if I was really hoping to see that one live and in full length, but you know, life isn’t a bowl of cherries. Also I certainly would have cried. Alas, I did almost cry when they took their bows and thanked us. Till’s voice was so soft and he sounded so sincerely humble and thankful. I don’t know whether it did have any impact on him or not, but he was born in this city, after all.

Till The End Teaser

So instead of showing the video of Till getting sucked off under the Rammstein stage (which I’m still not convinced is real, but that’s another story, I don’t want to delve into it) they put on the first like two minutes of Till The End. This is gonna sound super snobby and ungrateful, but I just turned away. Like I said, if I wanna watch porn, I’ll open pornhub. The two guys behind us, however, were standing there, eyes glued to the screen and their mouths were literally half open, no lie, it cracked me up so hard like really? Shit, it’s gotta be hard to be a person with a dick instead of a brain sometimes.

Bottom line.

Everything was worth it. The hours of waiting, the mediocre weather, driving to the venue by bike, the “fear” of getting hit by a cake or a fish. The concert was amazing, outstanding, mindblowing. I don’t want to compare it to my first row Rammstein experience, because they’re so vastly different bands, and I want to keep them separated. But man. This was probably the best valentine’s day of all time, by far.

[earthfluuke]

tagging game: top 5 bl dramas/series and 5 honorable mentions you would recommend

thank you @izzy-jellybaby, @emisfritish, and @weilongfu for tagging me!!!

rules: jot down your top five bl dramas / series that have made their way into your heart and five honorable mentions you would recommend to newcomers. tag ten users you think would like this game. 

to be honest, this is really just going to be a top 10, because all these shows and the actors in them are my babies and i feel bad pitting them against each other (cause i’m weak)

top favorites

1 - love by chance

this is the drama that got my love for thai bl started. i was in such a dark, sad place when i first found lbc, and it really pulled me out of it. i will always be thankful for that. there are obviously parts of this show that i absolutely detest and wish weren’t in it, but putting those aside, this show has my whole heart. ae and pete were the first gay couple in media that i saw that made me think “these two could actually be real.” they have such a sweet, wholesome, realistic relationship that brings me nothing but joy. every time i go back to watch this show, i feel the same things i felt the first time i watched it.

2 - until we meet again

a recent show but an amazing one. i have nothing but good things to say about this show. for one, it’s got a fantastic plot, two, the cast is probably my favorite bl cast ever. and three - the most important thing - deanpharm. i adore these two more than i could ever say. they are so healthy and good and perfect in every way. as with aepete, they’re so realistic to me. every scene with the two of them feels so authentic. not to mention they’re sweet as sugar, and i live for that in my ships. i was crushed when this show ended, and i go back and rewatch scenes constantly because i love it so much.

in no particular order

3 - theory of love

this show stars the kings offgun, so of course it’s on my list. the entire concept of this show is so cool. i love how every episode is named after a different movie, and the film theme is kept throughout the entire show. also the switch from third’s point of view to khai’s point of view halfway through the series was a really interesting, different take that i don’t think i’ve ever seen in any other show. the character development? *chef’s kiss* gun’s crying gets high honors, because god damn, that boy must have been dehydrated. also, offgun redemption kiss. that victory was so sweet.

4 - 2moons2

if you know me, you know i adore this show, but more importantly, the cast. those six boys are what really make this show as good as it is. the fact that they all came in as new actors still astounds me. but putting them aside, i just love how soft and sweet this show is. if i need a pick me up, this is my go to. there are moments from all three couples that give me all the warm feelies in my heart. i am so so so excited for 2moons3, i literally can’t wait much longer.

5 - dark blue kiss

is this a surprise, coming from my polca ass? didn’t think so. first things first: TAYNEW. now that that’s out of the way, pete and kao make me so happy. despite the obvious flaws in this show (looking at you, non), the two of them really showed what it’s like to be not only a long term gay couple, but also the struggles of figuring out how to come out. that entire scene by the pool where they were discussing why they have to prove themselves more because of their sexuality? that HIT ME in my SOUL. oh, and don’t even get me started on that anniversary scene. i also love morksun torturing rain with their love by jumping into his bed every night. if you look past the bad parts of this show (again, LOOKING AT YOU, NON), it’s very sweet and incredibly real at times.

6 - he’s coming to me

talk about underrated but amazing. well, how could it not be, with the king himself, singto prachaya, as the lead. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: he’s coming to me was a straight show made for a gay couple. what i mean by that is that the plot isn’t focused on the relationship. instead, it’s focused on something broader with a relationship added in, which is something more straight couples are given than gay couples. and what a wonderful relationship it is. mes and thun are so cute and yet so emotional too. one minute, they’re acting a fool and the next they’re crying to each other. for every fun scene this show has, there’s one that breaks your heart (in the best way). that coming out scene made me literally sob, it was so fantastic. not as many people have seen this one, but they SHOULD.

7 - sotus

an absolute classic. ignoring some of the drama that comes along with this show, i really like it. the plot is really interesting, and i love the large cast of characters. the episode where all the freshmen get there gears? when the hazers ask if they can be their seniors? talk about water works, because i bawled. again, the king himself, singto prachaya, is in this so. that obviously gives it some points. it’s just a really good starter bl.

8 - great men academy

p’tangmooooo. god, i can’t, i love these boys. this came out at the height of me trying to watch every thai bl possible in the shortest amount of time. and watching it was such a treat. the cast, oh my god. amazing, fantastic, phenomenal, iconic. tangmolove is so adorable. james, PLEASE come back to acting so we can get a season two where we see the two of them as a couple. i need it so bad. i wish this show was more available to international viewers, because it’s so great, pretty short, and just such a fun watch.

9 - history3: make our days count

...okay so what we’re going to do is ignore the last episode and say that hao ting and xi gu lived happily ever after. okay? okay. moving on from that, my heART. sometimes, shows don’t need to have big, intense plots. sweet, romantic shows are just as nice. and oh my god, does this show tick off the sweet box. every episode had my heart aching by the end, because hao ting and xi gu were so sweet. it’s just a nice story about two young boys learning how to navigate a relationship. hao ting is so whipped for xi gu too, which is always a plus. his little munching he does at him? he’s a certified puppy.

10 - our skyy

some people will say this doesn’t count, but i say it does! and besides, i’m pretty sure i’ve rewatched all 5 episodes more times than any of these other series combined. i just love the premise. taking 5 couples we already know and love and giving us more of them? genius. each episode is so cute in their own way, and i wish that they would make a second season. maybe more episodes so we can have the couples from the first with some new ones too? that would be my dream. if you’ve watched any of the shows that precede our skyy, i highly recommend checking out that couples’ episode!

i tag: @0ffgun, @functionalasfuck, @bldramagalore, @pallyson, @bl-fan, and anyone else who would like to do it!!

[eldritchsurveys]

790.

Have your parents ever tried to control your relationship? >> ---

Have you ever had to give someone directions before? >> Yeah, I gave them a lot when I lived in New York.

Speaking of which, are you good at understanding driving directions? >> I don’t drive, so it’s irrelevant. Also, if I need directions somewhere these days I just use Google Maps. (I don’t always use the GPS itself because I enjoy figuring it out on my own as if the app were a paper map.)

How many people do you text daily? >> One at most, but usually zero.

Do you have an iPod or an MP3 player? Which brand? >> No, I use my phone as a music player.

What was your favorite television show as a child? >> I don’t recall having one.

Do you play any instruments? Which instruments do you play? >> No.

Is there anyone who you call by their last name? >> No.

What did you do on your last birthday? >> I don’t remember. I don’t think we went to Chicago on that weekend, mostly because we did two Chicago day-trips last year to get my suit and couldn’t really budget in a third.

Which of the Seven Deadly Sins do you commit the most? >> Sloth.

Has anyone ever told you that you're incapable of whispering? >> No, but I’ve known a fair few people that fit that description.

What is your least favorite subject in school? >> ---

Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? >> No. I was technically the subject of one as a baby, but it really isn’t much of a battle if one party doesn’t even bother showing up to fight...

Do you know a couple who constantly sucks on each other's face? >> That’s... such a disgusting turn of phrase, please spare me.

Who was the best kisser you've ever dated? >> ---

When was the last time you watched a YouTube video? >> This morning, with my breakfast. Watched Wisecrack’s new video about comedy news, which got me interested in Patriot Act (which I think is on Netflix?).

Have you ever babysat a newborn baby before? >> No.

How many times a week do you usually see the person you love? >> I see the important people in my life every day.

When was the last time you held someone's hand? >> ---

How many meals have you eaten today, so far? >> I ate one actual meal. Nothing else I ate today would qualify as a full meal to me.

Do you think it's stupid for people to call others "hot?" >> Uh, no?

Do you personally think Wikipedia is a reliable source? >> No, it’s a reliable springboard. The sources in the References section, on the other hand, can often be really useful.

Are you someone who listens to more girl or guy bands? >> Most of the artists I listen to are male.

Have you ever shopped at Wet Seal before? Did you like it? >> I know I’ve been inside one, back when there was one on Bleecker and Broadway, but I don’t remember if I bought anything.

Do you care about spending money if it's someone else's money? >> Of course I do.

What is your favorite Disney movie of all time? >> Lilo and Stitch, probably. I want to rewatch that soon, but I’m guessing everything Disney is on Disney+ right now (and streaming from torrents is an incredible pain in the ass in my experience).

When you were a child, did you ever want to become a wizard/witch? >> I don’t recall that ever coming up in my daydreams.

What are the color of your walls? Do you want to repaint? >> Off-white. They’re not my walls to paint (it’s an apartment complex).

Would you rather have hardwood floors or carpet? >> Hardwood, absolutely.

Do you have any siblings you neglect you? >> ---

Who would you say is the most selfish person you know? >> I wouldn’t say that about anyone I know.

Who was the last person you yelled at? Why? >> ---

As a kid, did you ever go to camp? >> Once, to church camp. I’ve gone to camp far more as an adult.

What were the last three movies you watched in theaters? >> Birds of Prey, uhh... fuck. Oh, right, Jojo Rabbit. Don’t remember anything beyond that.

Have you ever made out in a movie theater before? >> Yeah.

Are you currently trying to learn to play any instrument? >> No.

Do you believe in ghosts, spirits or demons? >> I’m open to the experience.

When was the last time you went somewhere you thought was haunted? >> I don’t usually think that about places. I don’t think I have much of a sense for that kind of phenomena.

What is your favorite breakfast meal? >> Veggie burger and chips, apparently, since that’s what I eat every day.

What does the lead singer of your favorite band look like? >> ---

Who was the last person to compliment you? >> I don’t remember the last compliment I got.

How old were you when you got to go on your first date? >> I was eighteen the first time I went on a date.

Would you call your parents over-protective or under-protective? >> ---

Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls? >> No. I also just don’t think I encountered any of those.

What is the best movie you've seen in the last five years? >> I’ve seen at least like 60 movies in the past five years, how could I possibly choose.

Has anyone ever called you a good kisser before? >> Maybe.

Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? >> ---

Are you the jealous type? >> Not at all.

Does life ever seem overly ironic to you? >> Not... really?

When was the last time you felt like you were high on life? >> I’m not familiar with that feeling.

Do you know someone who cares about themselves more than their child? >> I’m sure I do, somewhere. There are a lot of people in this world that behave in ways that suggest this. I mean, my own mother was one.

Do you still watch cartoons on television? >> I watch them on streaming services, but yeah.

What do you usually order at Taco Bell, if you go there? >> I don’t usually go there. I do sometimes like that caramel empanada thing they sell, though.

Is there anyone currently annoying you? >> No.

What's your favorite hairstyle you've had so far? >> ---

Do you have freckles? >> No.

How many dogs do you have, if any at all? >> Zero.

Have you ever witnessed someone being beaten up? >> Yep.

Do you think biting is weird or sexy? >> Depends on the context, don’t it? It’d be weird as fuck if a stranger came up and bit me, for example.

Would you rather be called hot or beautiful? >> No.

Have you ever had a pet turtle before? >> Nope.

Do you still sleep with your parents when you're scared sometimes? >> ---

Have you ever met someone with two different color eyes? >> No.

Have you ever felt like someone was following you? >> Probably.

How many surveys on average would you say you've done in your lifetime? >> Oh, god. Like... a couple thousand at least.

What color shirt are you wearing at the moment? >> Black.

Do you enjoy going school shopping? >> ---

Do you think Pug dogs are adorable or just plain ugly? >> I think they’re a pretty disturbing mutation of dogness, but I wouldn’t treat them poorly because of it. It ain’t their fault humans are weird.

Have you ever met someone who completely resembled their pet? >> No, but I’ve seen listicles like that, lol. They’re always funny.

Has anyone ever knitted you something before? >> No.

What was the worst substance you've spilled on yourself before? >> I don’t recall ever spilling anything heinous on myself. Alcohol can be bad because then you smell like booze and that’s just not a good look.

Have you ever made out with more than one person in one night? >> Yeah.

What three words would describe the person you love? >> ---

Do you think their is a soulmate out there for everyone? >> I don’t find the concept of soulmates useful at all. I guess you could use that word for how I feel about Can Calah, but there are too many awkward (for me) connotations attached to that word by now and I would just rather not.

Do you like short or long surveys the best? >> Longish. This is kind of too long for me, tbh, but I soldier on.

Do you think hairspray is more helpful or annoying? >> I don’t use hairspray.

Have you ever bought fake money and tried to make it pass for real? >> No.

Are your siblings nice the majority of the time? >> ---

How many uncles do you have? >> ---

What would you say is the worst movie you've ever seen? >> All of the movies I really didn’t like, I didn’t finish, so I can’t remember them now.

Do you freak out when a thunderstorm comes along? >> I freak out in excitement, lol. I did freak out pretty badly when I was a child, though. And then one day in adolescence the switch flipped. *shrug*

What is something you'd consider yourself obsessed with? >> Mythology.

How often do you shower? >> Every couple of days.

Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? >> No.

What is the absolute worst thing about high school? >> What isn’t.

How many sodas do you usually drink in one day? >> Zero.

What kind of cheese do you like the most? >> Pepper jack. Also goat cheese.

Have you ever met someone who was completely weird all-around? >> I wouldn’t describe anyone like that, it doesn’t convey any actual information.

Have you ever met an annorexic pregnant woman? >> What the fuck. What is your favorite lyric of all time? >> ---

Do you know someone who has made their Xbox their best friend basically? >> No???

Do you ever watch any soap operas? >> I mean, I watch Grey’s Anatomy.

Have you ever met someone who was mean to everyone? >> Sure.

If you had to get a tattoo, what would it be? >> I would love to get another tattoo, but seeing as that’s not going to happen any time soon, I don’t have any ideas firmly in mind right now.

If you have any piercings, who did them? >> I don’t remember where I got my nose piercing. Probably at that one spot on St Marks Place. (My ears were done as a baby.)

Do you usually have a low tolerance for pain or high tolerance? >> I have a pretty decent tolerance for most physical aches, but not any kind of abdominal cramp.

Do you give into peer pressure easily? >> That’s not really an issue for me.

Have you ever simply looked at someone & could tell they were homosexual? >> Not unless they were wearing gay pride attire at the Pride parade, or something. Even then they could just be a really exciteable ally, lol (or an otherwise not-cishet person but not necessarily a gay person).

Do you have the ability to read someone without even knowing them? >> No.

Would you rather eat or sleep? >> Er... whichever one I needed at the time?

Are you one of those die hard Twilight or Harry Potter fans? >> No.

Have you ever cried while watching a movie trailor? >> Yeah, they do shit with the music that gets to be painfully identifiable after a while but my brain is still a sucker for it.

When was the last time you changed your hairstyle? >> I don’t remember. I’ve been buzzing my head for years.

Do your parents ever force you to talk to your grandparents? >> ---

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? >> Meh.

Do you think long surveys are broing or entertaining? >> Well, most of them are boring because the questions start to flag in quality. Do I still take them? Yeah. You do what you gotta do.

Have you ever learned that someone had lied to you all along? >> Yup.

When was the last time you had a physical injury? >> I don’t remember.

Have you ever wanted to be a lawyer? >> Not at all.

Have you ever had to bail someone out of jail before? >> No. I don’t even have that kind of money.

Is there anyone in your imediate family who was adopted? >> ---

Do you know anyone who doesn't have any common sense? >> I don’t think common sense is a thing. There are people I know who are not experienced in the same ways I’m experienced; when they are clueless about a thing I’m intimately familiar with, then it sometimes strikes me as odd, yeah. But that doesn’t mean my sense is “common” or that they’re stupid, it just means I’m used to knowing what I know and I often assume other people do too (which is what I get for assuming).

When was the last time you bought something? >> Saturday, at the farmers’ market.

Do you think you look anything like your parents? >> ---

Who is the skinniest person you know? Is it because of a disease? >> I don’t know, man, I’m not keeping track.

Do you know someone who is discustingly obese who wears G-strings? >> Wow.

Do you know someone who insults themselves to get attention? >> I know a lot of self-deprecating people, but far be it from me to assume that they’re doing it for attention. Some might be, but that’s not up to me to determine.

Is this year the best one you've had so far? >> LOL

What are your plans for this weekend? >> This coming weekend? I have no idea.

What color is your significant other's hair? >> Sparrow’s hair is currently a burgundy-type red. Can Calah’s hair is white. King Crimson’s hair is kind of the same colour as Sparrow’s, incidentally.

Have you ever applied for a job at Walmart before? >> Maybe.

Do you know anyone who does drugs currently? >> Sure.

Would you ever become a foster parent? >> No.

Are you ashamed of anyone in your family? >> ---

What jobs do your parents have? >> ---

Would rather talk to someone on a landline or a cell phone? >> I’d rather not talk to anyone on a phone, period.

Have you ever had a Tumblr account? Are you devoted to it? >> What’s tumblr? (I don’t know if “devoted” is the word I’d use, but I’m pretty fond of my blogs and the fun I have putting stuff on them.)

Has anyone ever given you a psychiatric assessment? >> Yes.

If you got pregnant right now, would you abort the baby? >> Of course, but see, I avoid that situation entirely by just not doing anything that could possibly get me pregnant.

Speaking of which, are you for or against abortion? >> Take a wild guess.

What is your favorite amusement park? >> I don’t have one. Well, does Luna Park at Coney Island count? Lot of good times there.

What was the best Christmas gift you've ever gotten? >> ---

Has anyone ever called you jealous of them before? >> Sure.

Did you ever have braces? >> Nope.

Who is your favorite actor or actress? >> It varies.

What is the most important date in your life so far? >> ---

How many people your age do you know who are pregnant? >> Zero.

What is cuter: kisses on the forehead of the cheek? >> ---

Do you believe in evolution or creation? >> I stand pretty firmly on the side of evolution. I do love a good creation myth, though.

Would you rather take a bath or a shower? Why or why not? >> I will never take a bath if I can help it. I just have a strong aversion to them, take it up with my neuroatypical brain matter.

What group would you say you'd normally fit into the most? >> Bold of you to assume etc etc

As a child, what game did you want to play the most? >> ---

Does it bother you when people touch your personal items? >> It really does. Unless I’ve given express permission, of course, but that doesn’t really happen with anyone except Sparrow.

When was the last time you did something sexual? >> Er... about a week ago? Something like that?

Where was the last place you went on vacation? >> Texas. Kind of a vacation. Mostly a day-and-a-half trip for the purpose of attending a wedding.

Do you collect anything? What? >> No.

What kind of Pringles do you like the most? >> I don’t.

Are you better at hand-drawing things or painting? >> I assume I’m slightly better at drawing than at painting, simply because I actually have a background in drawing (although my muscle memory is pretty atrophied).

Have either of your parents ever called you a failure before? >> Not in so many words.

What do you think is the grossest taste in the world? >> Oh, I don’t know.

[squidgiepdx]

How dreams are influenced by, you know, life

Me and dreams are like... Well, apples and crude oil. Yeah, I can't control them. Hell, I hardly ever dream about anyone I know, much less dream about anything interesting. I seriously want to learn to lucid-dream, because one of these days I want a sexy-ass dream that doesn't fade to black or morph into watching monkeys at the zoo. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, so dreams. I didn't sleep much Sunday or Monday night, but I totally made up for it last night. In bed before 8pm, asleep by 9pm, and slept for 8 glorious hours. It was beautiful. And my dreams? Well let me give you a rundown of various items that happened to me Monday and Tuesday:

Sweet, very straight (but not narrow) guy flirted with me at work. He's incorrigible, and I like that about him.

brumeier wrote a prompt fill of mine called "Meiosis for Beginners" that was adorable (McShep + original child character).  Read it!

I rewatched SGA episode S01E20 - The Siege Part II - and wrote up a bit of information about my rewatch, plus some sexy silliness.

I read some stuff by Wil Wheaton

I spent some time on The Tumblr where there was a sexy picture of

Dita von Teese

Lots of "incorrect quotes" for Hawaii Five-0/McDanno to imply sexy times by the boys

Some cute stuff about fandom in general

Some stuff from liberal 99%ers about corruption in Washington, etc

So, given that, let me set up the dream that I had this morning: I was sitting in a bank, waiting to hear about a loan, and trying to ignore the stripper lady in the corner.  There was a cute gay couple who had the most adorable little girl with them; she was wearing a bright sun dress and running around.  All of the sudden, I look up and Steve and Danny from Hawaii Five-0 walk into the vault, and Wil Wheaton, who was the guy trying to find the loan officer, turned to me and said, "Jesus Christ.  You just know they're going to go fuck in the vault again, right?  I hear Steve keeps a giant thing of lube in one of the safety deposit boxes."  I turn to him to ask something, but he's suddenly paying attention to the stripper.  So I get up and walk over to the vault, and just as I round the corner to see what Steve and Danny are getting up to - I FUCKING WAKE UP. I mean come on!  How fair is that? Now sometimes I can will myself back to sleep, and get to slip back into the same dream.  But no luck this morning.  Dammit.  I've got porny McShep thoughts in my brain right now, though, so hopefully those'll carry me through the night.  Wish me luck! comments from squidgiepdx http://ift.tt/2FpefIe via IFTTT

[i-like-your-genitalia]

You are going to kill me... buuut all 200 questions? I'm keeping you busy and thinking about your life

200: My crush’s name is: Jennifer 


199: I was born in: a hospital? (Jks 1998)


198: I am really: funny 


197: My cellphone company is: Lebara


196: My eye color is: boring ol’ brown 


195: My shoe size is: a ladies 9


194: My ring size is: I actually don’t know


193: My height is: 5'10 


192: I am allergic to: nothing surprisingly 


191: My 1st car was: 1998 Subaru Legacy (the station wagon)


190: My 1st job was: Checkout Worker


189: Last book you read: The Accident Man


188: My bed is: a king 


187: My pet: I don’t have one atm 


186: My best friend: Anushka 


185: My favorite shampoo is: I don’t have one (but I like anything coconut or tropical scented)


184: Xbox or ps3: don’t care 


183: Piggy banks are: lit


182: In my pockets: I’m a girl, only 20% of my clothes have pockets big enough to put anything in 


181: On my calendar: “Spotify Premium runs out on the 27th of August"


180: Marriage is: Not married 


179: Spongebob can: 


178: My mom: is awesome 


177: The last three songs I bought were? Whatever I listened to last on Spotify? 


176: Last YouTube video watched: review on Aztec clay face mask 


175: How many cousins do you have? 4 step cousins and then 6 blood related cousins 


174: Do you have any siblings? Just a younger sister 


173: Are your parents divorced? Nah they still together and in love 


172: Are you taller than your mom? Only just 


171: Do you play an instrument? I used to play the piano 


170: What did you do yesterday? Worked

[ I Believe In ]


169: Love at first sight: kinda 


168: Luck: yes 


167: Fate: not really 


166: Yourself: sometimes 


165: Aliens: yes 


164: Heaven: yes 


163: Hell: no 


162: God: yes 


161: Horoscopes: I mostly enjoy the zodiac memes and compatibility and personality horoscopes 


160: Soul mates: yes, but I believe you have more than one 


159: Ghosts: yes 


158: Gay Marriage: big yes 


157: War: nope


156: Orbs: it would be cool but I’m neutral 


155: Magic: yes

[ This or That ]


154: Hugs or Kisses: Hugs 


153: Drunk or High: Drunk 


152: Phone or Online: Online 


151: Red heads or Black haired: Red heads 


150: Blondes or Brunettes: Blondes 


149: Hot or cold: Hot 


148: Summer or winter: Summer 


147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn 


146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate 


145: Night or Day: Day 


144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges 


143: Curly or Straight hair: Curly 


142: McDonalds or Burger King: Maccas 


141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk Chocolate 


140: Mac or PC: Mac


139: Flip flops or high heels: High Heels 


138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and Poor 


137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke


136: Hillary or Obama: OBAMA


135: Burried or cremated: Cremated 


134: Singing or Dancing: Dancing 


133: Coach or Chanel: Chanel 


132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are they?


131: Small town or Big city: Big city 


130: Wal-Mart or Target: I haven’t been to either 


129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben Stiller 


128: Manicure or Pedicure: Manicure 


127: East Coast or West Coast: East Coast 


126: Your Birthday or Christmas: this is too cruel to answer 


125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate 


124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney 


123: Yankees or Red Sox: um don’t care

[ Here’s What I Think About ]


122: War: It’s expensive and unnecessary and should be a last resort. It’s not worth the lives lost, people injured and relocated. The monetary cost is ridiculous and it barley solves anything. It cause more issues and potentially more wars

121: George Bush: did 9/11


120: Gay Marriage: It’s actually crazy how long and how much effort it took to get this accepted. And I just hope this right isn’t taken away! 


119: The presidential election: Donald Trump and Pence need to die or be locked up forever, I don’t even understand how anyone thought that Hilary Clinton would be worse. 


118: Abortion: Pro-choice for the win 


117: MySpace: I wasn’t old enough for this 


116: Reality TV: my guilty pleasure tbh 


115: Parents: I love my parents and they are good to me. But it would be great if they could be less homophobic. 


114: Back stabbers: I don’t know why people feel the need to intentionally hurt and embarrass someone, especially someone who isn’t prepared for it or trusts you 


113: Ebay: I don’t really use eBay 


112: Facebook: I use it to tag my non tumblr friends in memes and to stalk people 


111: Work: I’m sick of my job but I’m having to stick it out for now. 


110: My Neighbors: They are seasonal but if their kids could not move and rearrange the bedroom at the ass crack of dawn that would be fantastic 


109: Gas Prices: New Zealand, especially in the towns. Gas prices are so high. Spain isn’t so bad


108: Designer Clothes: I’d rather have more clothes than one designer one 


107: College: 


106: Sports: I have zero hand eye coordination and therefore hate sports! But I will watch the Olympics 


105: My family: They are cool for the most part 


104: The future: is scary and it makes me wanna throw up if I think too much about it

[ Last time I ]


103: Hugged someone: like a week ago 


102: Last time you ate: I’m eating chocolate right now 


101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: my grandparents and my cousins today 


100: Cried in front of someone: it’s been forever 


99: Went to a movie theater: like a good 6-8 months ago


98: Took a vacation: ummm like 4 months ago 


97: Swam in a pool: yesterday 


96: Changed a diaper: not since my babysitting days 


95: Got my nails done: literally before I left New Zealand so 5 months ago


94: Went to a wedding: it’s been years 


93: Broke a bone: never actually broken anything in my body 


92: Got a peircing: I got my ears pieced when I was 12 


91: Broke the law: Probably when I was driving, speeding or something but nothing I've been charged with lmao


90: Texted: like a couple of hours ago

[ MISC ]


89: Who makes you laugh the most: my sister 


88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: having consistently good home cooked meals 


87: The last movie I saw: probably shrek 


86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: being back in New Zealand! Or doing some travelling 


85: The thing im not looking forward to: working 


84: People call me: gay
83: The most difficult thing to do is: be honest 
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: I actually haven’t 


81: My zodiac sign is: Leo 


80: The first person i talked to today was: my girlfriend 


79: First time you had a crush: the first crush I remember, I was in year 4 (so 8 years old) and it was on this boy named Joseph 


78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: I’m good at hiding things tbh 


77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: my sister when my mum and dad were talking shit 


76: Right now I am talking to: my sister and my friends from New Zealand 


75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Hairdressing tho I kinda would like to do pre school/nursery/kindergarten teaching 


74: I have/will get a job: currently working as front of house at a little supermarket 


73: Tomorrow: I’m working and doing house work


72: Today: I slept and then worked 


71: Next Summer: I will hopefully be enjoying the sunshine 


70: Next Weekend: Working yet again and having dinner with my grandparents 


69: I have these pets: Definitely a cat, and also a dog 


68: The worst sound in the world: chalk or finger nails on a chalkboard 


67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself 


66: People that make you happy: my sister, my friends and my girlfriend 


65: Last time I cried: when I watched beauty and the beast 


64: My friends are: absolutely incredible, I don’t deserve them


63: My computer is: I don’t have one anymore 


62: My School: I’m not in school 


61: My Car: I don’t have a car atm 


60: I lose all respect for people who: are snakes 


59: The movie I cried at was: beauty and the beast


58: Your hair color is: brown and boring 
57: TV shows you watch: Atm limitless, shooter, Shetland, Rewatching Criminal Minds, AHS and Black Mirror


56: Favorite web site: boohoo.com or iherb 


55: Your dream vacation: A cruise or a historical/relaxed tour of the ancient world 


54: The worst pain I was ever in was: in a tie between slamming my fingers in a car door or when I got a virus (it’s a really bad version of food poisoning) and I actually thought I was gonna die. 


53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium to well done 


52: My room is: relatively clean and currently got that minimal plant theme going 


51: My favorite celebrity is: Dua Lipa 


50: Where would you like to be: with @dysfunctionalgroup


49: Do you want children: yeah one day 


48: Ever been in love: yes 


47: Who’s your best friend: Anushka 


46: More guy friends or girl friends: it used to be a balance but now mostly girl friends 


45: One thing that makes you feel great is: cute underwear and a good nights sleep 


44: One person that you wish you could see right now:


43: Do you have a 5 year plan: yes


42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: mentally but it’s not written down anywhere 


41: Have you pre-named your children: no, but I have some names I really like lined up 


40: Last person I got mad at: my sister 


39: I would like to move to: the Uk or NZ 


38: I wish I was a professional:

[ My Favorites ]


37: Candy: Reece’s pieces or skittles 


36: Vehicle: Kinda want a Range Rover or a Land Rover but in the old style. Or a classic car


35: President: Obama


34: State visited: ive never been to America 


33: Cellphone provider: Lebara 


32: Athlete: my bio teacher, she played for a big women’s netball team 


31: Actor: Jensen Ackles 


30: Actress: Gal Gadot 


29: Singer: Dua Lipa


28: Band: The Internet

27: Clothing store: h&m or boohoo


26: Grocery store: I don’t have one 


25: TV show: Brooklyn 99


24: Movie: I have too many 


23: Website: this hell hole


22: Animal: Cats or Goats 


21: Theme park: I’ve only been to Disney 


20: Holiday: Christmas and Halloween 


19: Sport to watch: Gymnastics 


18: Sport to play: None


17: Magazine: who reads magazines anymore 


16: Book: the Mysterious Benedict Society 


15: Day of the week: Friday 


14: Beach: as long as it’s sandy I’m cool 


13: Concert attended: J Cole


12: Thing to cook: Pizza and Sweet and Sour Pork 


11: Food: Cheesburgers 


10: Restaurant: Any that sell food I like 


9: Radio station: ZM




8: Yankee candle scent: most of them




7: Perfume: Dolce and Gabbana, Floral Drops




6: Flower: forget me nots




5: Color: Green




4: Talk show host: don’t have a fave




3: Comedian: don’t have a fave




2: Dog breed: Border Collie




1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Guess you’ll never know

[yumkiwidelicious]

Ok, But Like...

I rewatched the Force Awakens for the first time in a while last night and it became very clear to me...that Finn and Rey were written as romantic interests!

I know, I know, this has been blatantly obvious to FinnRey shippers and just people in general since the film came out, but really, guys. The first time I saw the movie I was so caught up in my go-to of shipping the good girl with the bad boy (I ship Tomione and they’ve never even had a hint of a scene together!) that I didn’t even really consider Finn. Plus I like everything to be a lil gay so I thought Finn and Poe were just the bee’s knees. Since then (when the movie came out in theaters), I’d only watched it one other time and had buried myself neck deep in fanfiction/art. Eventually I more or less dropped the idea of Rey/Kylo but devoted myself wholly to StormPilot.

Watching the movie again last night was like seeing a whole new film.

The first Finn and Rey interaction we get is him spotting her across the way being harassed and immediately deciding to run to her aid. It’s not needed of course and instead of rescuing a damsel in distress he gets to watch her kick butt and is obviously very impressed. The first time she sees him it’s less of a meet-cute and more of an aggressive take-down. The initial misunderstanding between them over the jacket and Poe and BB-8 keeps any immediate sparks from flying but once the sad droid has rolled away they seem to really see each other for the first time.

Rey asks if he’s in the resistance and in a move to save his own skin (but also, likely, to impress her) he says he is and she goes all awestruck and soft-eyed. Because she’s never seen a resistance fighter before. We even see her smile. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE FILM. She’s so impressed with Finn even though she just knocked him on his ass and he gets all flustered in the face of her obvious interest (granted it’s not sexual or even romantic yet, she just thinks he’s friggin cool and no ones ever thought he was friggin cool before).

Every (not nearly, EVERY) scene they share after that is put together in the classic storyline of two people with shared hardships falling in love. Instead of cutting ties from him on Jakku, Rey saves Finn and leaves her precious planet (where she has been waiting devotedly every day for her family to return) to help him flee the First Order. When he gets knocked out she rushed to revive him and upon coming to the first thing he asks is if she is okay (which clearly confuses her). They gush over each other after flying together for the first time and then we get another moment of soft eyes and open praise.

Like any budding couple they’re not perfect right off. Rey still wants to get back to Jakku (a desire Finn connects with the idea she may have a cute boyfriend back there) and Finn can’t tell what bonding tape she’s asking for but they continue on together along with Han and Chewie sharing even more moments along the way. She saves him from the rathtar, her face clearly terrified as he's dragged away and relieved when she gets him back. They keep close together from then on, usually exchanging knowing looks during conversations until meeting Maz. When Finn decides to leave he asks (not for the first time) for Rey to leave with him.

Rey.

The scavenger.

Who he has just met that day and besides an association with him has no reason to be fleeing the First Order.

And  even after learning the truth about him, instead of merely turning him down outright or sending him on his way indifferently, Rey begs him to stay.

Finn.

The ex stormtrooper.

Who she has just met that day and who has thrown her life into unexpected turmoil while simultaneously lying to her and openly showing the traits of someone who merely wants to run, not fight. In this scene we get Finn staring up pleadingly into her face which is far closer than regular strangers would permit and Rey frowning down in disappointment and hurt.

They do part ways, though it clearly hurts them both to do so. Rey has likely never had anyone show interest in her beyond what she can scavenge, let alone someone as blatantly kind and interesting as Finn. And being a stormtrooper Finn is no doubt starved for affection which we see him throwing onto Rey in small gestures and exchanges. These scenes and those following are packed with emotion for both characters.

After seeing the planets destroyed by the first order Finn comes back and again his first concern is the location of Rey. When he sees her being taken by Kylo Ren he gives chase, shouting for her in an obvious panic. I didn’t really care for this scene because I know, and Finn would obviously know, that screaming won’t do a thing. It’s literally just put in to show his despair at losing her (possibly forever). Her safe return is the only thing he shows any blatant interest in for the REST OF THE FILM.

Yes, he’s happy when he sees Poe, but the first thing he asks this near stranger for is help in rescuing Rey. If he can assist in taking down the First Order in the process that’s a plus but he states openly THE ONLY THING HE CARES ABOUT IS GETTING REY BACK. When they reunite we see a hug (the fruition of small physical contacts being made since their meeting, each one being met with less resistance) and hear Rey’s genuine gratitude and joy at Finn coming back for her and Finn’s fear that she has been harmed. They’re both so clearly relieved to see each other again, it’s overwhelming.

When the climax of the film is approaching we again see the two staying close and working together. Finn deciding to fight Kylo Ren comes as a direct result of the man harming Rey (after which Finn holds her gently and desperately trying to wake her up). He risks his life to defend Rey who he can’t even be 100% sure is going to come to again. He would obviously know he didn’t stand a chance against Ren. When Rey DOES come to, it is after Finn has been hurt. She fights off Ren by herself but it still could be argued she only did so to defend Finn.

Sidenote: I will argue anyone who says this fight seen made sense. As a trained trooper who is openly praised for his skills earlier in the film, it would be obvious Finn stood a better chance against Ren than Rey. A lightsaber isn’t a blaster but it’s a weapon (and we do see troopers using weapons outside of blasters in this film, TR-8R) and Finn has been trained in combat. I just!...I don’t like that Rey suddenly being competent in the Force means she can suddenly fight better than Finn, a trained fight.

ANYWAY

After her fight with Kylo Rey runs back to Finn and is unable to wake him. THIS SCENE SOLIDIFIED MY FULL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THIS ROMANCE.

The planet is about to explode basically. There’s still a window for escape but it’s small. INSTEAD OF GETTING UP AND TRYING TO SAVE HERSELF Rey lays down crying over Finn. Reeeeally look at and think about this scene. At this point Rey KNOWS she can use the Force. That she could become a jedi if she were to continue what she started with Finn and find Luke. It’s safe to assume Rey knows she can (help to) save the galaxy if she gets up and flees.

But she doesn’t.

She chooses to stay with Finn.

Because she doesn’t want to leave him, but also isn’t strong enough to carry him she stays. You can tell by the way she sits that she’s not planning on getting up again. She doesn’t have her feet under her. She’s not crouched over on her knees poised to jump up. She lays down completely, her legs curled and her thighs to the snow as she rests her top half over Finn and simply cries. When Chewie comes with the Millenium Falcon she’s surprised. Relieved, but surprised. She had not expected to be rescued. She was ready to die there with Finn rather than give herself (and the galaxy) a fighting chance.

She was ready to die with Finn!

Because she was falling in love with him and him with her!

GUYS I WAS SO SHOOK!

Because even though we can see Rey isn’t used to emotional attachments, we see her form two very distinct ones over the film and when compared it’s obvious her attachment with Finn is romantic. We also her see her grow very fond and adoring of Han, but like Ren says Han is more of a father-figure in her life now. But we do see them share mere friendly interactions, bonding over the ship and Han’s memories and such. Han could be like a father but he could also be like a best friend. Finn’s scenes with Rey have no where near that friendly/platonic energy; these are romantically charged interactions. Rey loves Finn and Finn loves Rey in return.

ALL THIS BEING SAID…

I don’t know if they’ll be together in the next episode.

When Rey leaves, kissing Finn before she departs, it seems she has finally realized there is a great weight now resting on her shoulders and I feel like her choosing to kiss Finn’s head rather than his lips speaks to her not wanting to lay that burden on him. Like a true Jedi I think she will realize that it is not wise to love another so much you would be scared to lose them since that can lead to the dark side. She’s already lost Han, I think she’d do anything in her power to distance herself from the possibility of feeling that pain again.

ALL THAT BEING SAID...

I think their relationship will be a plot point. I think their characters are meant to act as the sort of mirrors of what Luke and Leia were BEFORE it was revealed they were siblings. But this time instead of an incetuous reveal that throws plenty of people off, they actually will be allowed to be in love even if they’re not together for a bit. Who’s to say they even interact in episode 8.

Of course I would love, love, LOVE it if Finn and Poe became a thing, but...based on the interactions they had HONESTLY I don’t think Lucas will go in that direction. I think he created Finn and Rey for each other even if we never get to see it directly in the film. Like Korra and Asami it may just be heavily implied and backed by the writers while never being explicitly shown.

ALL. THAT. BEING. SAID…

If they did just end up being in platonic friend love...I’d cry of joy.

Because I have many thoughts on such love and I’ll likely go on another long rant about it at a separate time but for now…

FinnRey is real.

[insomniac-arrest]

The Valentine is You

@lapidot-week for Valentine day (again haha)

Lapis is a singing candygram sent to Peridot’s apartment to sing. Peridot didn’t order a candygram.

Peridot had a plan. A good plan, one experts would agree with, wikihow article worthy: take the day off, don’t go outside and rewatch all of the x-files. No one could argue that it wasn’t a superb idea.

She liked to think of herself as someone with many superb ideas.

So that was how she was going to spend the day, and there wasn’t really nay-sayers. However, things seemed to find her outside of her neatly planned insulation.

She had a full bag of chocolate covered potato chips, two mountain dews lined up, and her fluffy socks that didn’t get fuzz in between her toes. She reclined into her couch and exhaled.

The Flukeman arc was always worthwhile.

She was in the middle of a scene that was frankly poorly lit and had the sound design of a metal worker discovering Studio One for the first time. She was considering turning the volume at least partially down (maybe off?) when a knock came at the door.

Peridot frowned, her eyes darting to the front door, another fastidious knock a erupts, Peridot’s frown deepened. She wasn’t expecting anyone, in fact, she was planning on quite the opposite.

She considered pretending she wasn’t home when her TV gave out a particularly loud screech she’s sure even her elderly downstairs neighbor heard. Another persistent knock sounded.

“Amethyst?” Peridot called out weakly from her comfortable spot on the couch- carved out directly from her ass and a good amount of determination. Amethyst was, in theory, spending the day in Empire City with Pearl (seeing some sort of theater thing and probably holding hands like their fingers might fall off).

“Hello,” A voice called through the door that was definitely not Amethyst, “I have a delivery for a,” The flat voice paused, “Room number 212.” Peridot raised an eyebrow, that was her. The young woman knocked again, “If you could just open up.”

Peridot narrowed her eyes, that sounded like the dialogue of a serial killer. Or maybe just the fact she had been watching too much Criminal Minds mixed with said X-files.

Peridot eventually, eventually, scrapes herself off from off the couch, stretching and getting the feeling back into her legs, she stumbles to the door.

She peaks through the eyehole first, thinking her mom might have sent her flowers, if even she did have to arrange it all the way from Minnesota from a woman who hated computers. The girl, on the other hand, did not look mother approved.

She had electric blue hair that framed her face in a short messy bob, an array of sloppily applied make-up that’s colors shouted ‘blood bath on pink street.’ Peridot peered down, trying to get on her tiptoes to see more. The girl was at least holding something.

Peridot took her time opening the door, keeping her face neutral as she peaked out. She was a little taken back again: the girl wore an impossibly short striped dress that was red and white, pink tights and very high go-go boots. Actual go-go boots. She noted a pair of heart earings and similarly shaped boxed in her hand.

She looked like a 70s pin-up girl who walked out a Valentine's Day shop. Peridot’s eyes go wide, oh no, Valentine’s Day. She goes to shut the door.

The girl takes a deep breath in and something Peridot never could have expected began, singing: “Oooohh, you took my heart on quite a bender when you went sunbathing in December, that bikini of a lifetime looking like a good time gal ready for a-”

Peridot shut the door.

“Oh, come on buddy.” The girl behind the door complained.

“I didn’t order anything!” She says shrilly through the lock, “Especially not like this.” “This is room 212, right?”

“I mean yeah,” Peridot says as she thinks about her stained Daft Punk t-shirt and baggy boxers she was wearing.

“Let me finish then. Unless Vanessa is out or something, are you her roommate?” Peridot sniffed, “I don’t know any Vanessa’s.” She chewed on her lower lip, “This is Peridot.” Lapis groaned and seemed to walk around in circles, “Fine, I’ll be right back!”

Peridot exhales and lets her shoulders drop. She couldn’t believe she just had to run in with things like this, on the one day she was trying to forget the outside world.

She blows air out her nose and shuffles to her kitchen, she might as well drink something while she’s up. She was thinking of switching to beer.

“What do you mean this is the right place?” The girl was yelling, undoubtedly into her phone.

“Do your job Lapis!” A voice like a blow horn responded loud enough for Peridot to hear, “You’re on your last legs. Every customer so far reports ‘lack of enthusiasm.’”

Lapis. Huh. Peridot can’t help but listen in as she nurses a Heineken she just opened.

Lapis grumbles some more quieter words into the phone and then, to Peridot’s dismay, she comes back to the door.

“You don’t have to be shy! Let’s just get it over with.” Lapis was still talking to her, “I don’t want to do this any more than you do, but if you write me a good review…”

Peridot shook her head, “I don’t even know you! I didn’t order a, uh, singing, telegram.” “Candygram.” Lapis correct. “And at least take the chocolates, they are half melted by now anyway.” Peridot hums, she did like chocolate. She reaches for the doorknob, “This is pre-paid?” “Uh-huh, guy named Ethan. He likes you or something.” Lapis said languidly. Peridot hunches over and cracked the door open, “I doubt that, but I accept.”

Lapis blinked and opened her mouth, “Oooohh, you took my heart on quite a bender when you went sunbathing in December, that bikini of a lifetime looking like a good time gal ready for the camera. I never felt more lively, when you took me out diving, took off all our clothes made our ancestors roll in their graves. VANEEESSAA-” “No singing!” Peridot pulled at her hair, she didn’t want some romantic love song from some weirdos she didn’t know. And Lapis’s voice was the theme song to a hospital flatline.

“Oh come on,” Lapis pouts, “You think I wear this hat for fun?” She pointed to the tiny heart-shaped hat perched crookedly on her head, “We finish the song. Candy. Probably some love-making, bada-bing bada-boom.” Peridot sighed and folded her arms across her chest, “I’m single.” Lapis shook her head, “Well, I mean, if you respond to this guy-” “And gay.” “Oh,” Lapis’s face goes slack and she blinks and couple times, she itched that back of her neck and she let out a little giggling laugh that reminded her of a cricket. “Well. Damn, this one hell of a situation if you really aren’t-” Another door opens from the other side of the hall, “Is there someone singing, uh, Vanessa?” A tall brunette in a short night dress and a full bodice creeps into the hall. Lapis’s face lit up.

“Yes! Yes I was. You wouldn’t happen to be her?”

The woman cocked her head to the side, “Yes I am, I mean, a Vanessa. I was wondering about all the noise out here…” “Well, I think I have something for you!” Lapis looked to be gearing herself up to get five stars on her report card.

Vanessa frowned slightly and Lapis took a deep breath in and began afresh her jaunty tune that Ethan obviously spent a while composing: they swam, went Disney world, cursed out his racist grandfather. A strange song overall. Lapis put her whole body into it and Peridot watched from off to the side, she might as well, right?

Lapis belted out the lyrics with something close to enthusiasm, but Peridot noted that Vanessa’s bottom lip was quivering.

Lapis finished with a wide yowl of Vanessa’s name and getting down on one knee to present the box of chocolates. “Someone cares about you a lot, happy Valentine’s Day!”

Vanessa stared at her blankly, “Who’s this from?” “Uh,” Lapis’s eyes darted around. “Ethan.” Vanessa’s mouth was in full-quiver now and her eyes looked to be glistening slightly, Lapis seemed to be taking note. “Well, I’ll just be-” Vanessa grabbed the box from out of Lapis’s hands and tore it opened, she looked at the candy’s in what appeared to be horror and then tossed the contents of the box onto the floor. And onto Lapis.

“I told him not to! I told him to cancel any plans! Now he’s just trying to hurt me!” She cried and threw the box at the opposing wall, spraying melted chocolate pieces around, “I can’t believe he would do this! I can’t believe-” Vanessa was sizzling, “You.”

Lapis was looking down on the smudge of chocolate on her top, she finally looks up, “I, uh, this is just a part time job.” “Tell Ethan that he’s not funny!” Vanessa turned hotly on her heel and slammed her apartment door as she left, Peridot flinched at the sound. A dark head popped back out, “And tell him it’s double over!! Triple over.” The door was hurled shut again. Peridot stood uselessly in the middle of her doorway. This is why I was staying indoors today she told herself.

Lapis was still kneeled down, looking dazed, “I hate my job.” Peridot chuckled and looked around the place, “I don’t blame you.” Lapis finally stood up and appeared to try and brush herself off before glancing up, “Think she’ll give me a good review?” She asked with a sardonic tone. Peridot gave her an unsure smile, “Uh, how good is your job security?” Lapis groaned and walked over to the wall only to thunk her head against it.

Peridot looked her up and down, “It’ll be alright?” She tries. Lapis turns around and looks ready to melt down the wall, instead she looks at Peridot.

“Do you have any more of those?” Lapis points to Peridot’s Heineken, “It could make the walk back more tolerable.”

“Uh,” Peridot shuffled her feet and glanced at the floor and then the ceiling, and definitely not at Lapis’s short skirt, she backs up, “Sure. Yeah. Come in.” Peridot could be a good samaritan, hell, she figured she was pretty much a good person in general.

She stepped aside and Lapis plodded her way into the dim apartment. This isn’t how she imagined the night would go- not even in her stress dreams after chugging nyquil.

Lapis leaned bonelessly on Peridot’s counter, she examined the place. “Mind if I wash this?” She points to her shirt, “The price is more than half my rent.”

Peridot nods mutely and opens her fridge, “Yikes. Sounds like a dream job.”

“You have no idea.” Lapis reassures her flatly and Peridot handed her a beer.

She apparently had to get back to the temp business in a bit, but Peridot asked her how she got into the business and it was a long story. Lapis told her she was pretty much fired/quitting.

Peridot didn’t know what to think about that, but did like the sound of her voice though and the fact she hadn’t commented on Peridot being alone in her boxes on Valentine’s day. She was also pretty warm from the alcohol when they opened a bottle of her cheap wine after the beers.

They ended up sinking into her couch not watching anything as they looked at the ceiling.

Lapis hummed, “I can’t believe people pay for this service.” Peridot glances at her and places another chocolate covered chip in her mouth, “I can’t believe people cry over relationships.” Lapis flicks her eyes toward her and raises an eyebrow, “Seriously?”

Peridot shrugs and looks away, “Brain chemistry.” She spits, “Hormones, drama, deluding yourself.” She shifted in place, “Whatever you want to call it, culture blows up something that’s supposed to be personal.” She snorts, “Love is just another commodity they sell.” Lapis laughs and stretches her arms above her head, “You are something else.” Peridot grins, “Oh I know. Best in my firm you know.” She tries to catch her eye. Lapis rolls over, “Let’s be bros then. To hell with brain-chemistry-hormones-drama.” Peridot laughs with her and they fist bump.

They drink some more wine and sprawl out further on the couch.

Lapis was staring at the ceiling again, “You know people are just trying, right?” She sounded far away, distant, “The like people. They try and show it, they do their best. I wouldn’t throw it all down the river boxer-girl.”

Peridot heaves a sigh and puts her feet up on her coffee table, “Everyone’s trying their best, sure, yeah, yeah.” Lapis turns over and reaches her hand out, “It’s only fun when it starts I guess.” Peridot shrugged, “My parents have been together fifty years. They have fun.” “Fifty years? And you’re still a cynic!” Lapis crows and then pokes her in the forehead, “Oh my God.”

Peridot leans on Lapis’s shoulder as she takes another swig of wine, “Maybe I’m a little bitter.” “You think?” Lapis says dryly and Peridot almost bites her.

“Hey, I didn’t even get a card or a kiss from anyone in my grade.” She admits with a pout, “For twenty-five years. Or, you know, ever.” Lapis gives a low chuckle, “That’s just how life is.” Peridot hunches over in the shoulder, “I think that justifies my bitter then.” She felt a soft hand on her chin, it was tipping her head up, Lapis was leaning down, “No excuses after this then.” “Wh-” Peridot was able to make a brief sound before Lapis pressed a soft off-center kiss to her mouth, soft, soft and red. She didn’t dislike it. In fact, you could say quite the opposite.

She leans into the touch, gentle and warm in the low lights and sweet mulberry wine on their lips. Peridot feels a little bit too soft for just strangers just passing by.

She let’s the moment pass like a sailboat on the calm breeze, her chest is tight and throat even tighter. “Well...” She clears her throat and gives a short laugh, “Alright then.” Lapis stretches up toward the ceiling. “Now you can’t say that never happened. I’m a walking Valentine, and there's your kiss.” She smiles at her, open and sweet, the first she had seen from the girl, Peridot smiles back.

Peridot exhales and puts her head on Lapis’s shoulder again, curling up her legs fondly, “So they hire you for wish-fulfillment huh?” Lapis shrugs and looks away, “Brain chemistry, hormones, drama, a little bit of fulfillment. All in the job description.” They turn on the TV, which just ended up on CNN and Anderson Cooper stared ahead at them as they fell asleep only half-past seven and both of their phones buzzing off in the distance somewhere.

It wasn’t how she imagined it at all. But she got someone’s number in the morning and a better story to tell Amethyst the next day.