#and i really didn't want to stuck in lockdown on my own

[lixenn]

Wording is fine my liege 🫡 everything was perfectly understandable.

But also buying a book on poisons first thing is such a mood. I love poisons. It's fascinating to see how they work and affect the human body. I remember my biology lesson on neurotoxins fondly.

Thank you for talking poisons to me 💜✨✨

This was excellent content! Have a gold star ⭐

VV do you have more poisonous plants in your garden? If so what kind? Please talk poison to me my liege 🥺🥺🥺

Fun fact:

This book was the first book I bought from our school library when I went to gardening school. It's a short book on some of the poisonous plants native to Denmark. it says the exact amount considered lethal as well :). I would love to have more than i currently have, just to have them.

Now Fingerbøl (Foxgloves) are the only ones currently thriving in my garden and it was more of a casual test of spreading the seeds and seeing if they would thrive, I've just sorta let them grow where they wanted only purposefully planting some along the fence separating me and my neighbors gardens. However i am attempting to propagate Stormhat(Wolfsbane) and will hopefully be able to plant them in the garden this summer. All parts of this plant is poisonous and should be handled with gloves. Now from here is more plants i would like to have but i dont have space for so are not likely to own, with the exception of the last one. Taks(Common yew) is a bush, most of the plant is poisonous except the fruit of the bush but especially the seeds and needles. poison from this tree had been used for hunting, book specifically says "A horse will die of eating less than a mouthful"

Guldregn(Golden Chain/ Golden Rain)

Beautiful tree id love to have one, but they grow big and i simply do not have space for more trees.

gorgeous! and just 20 seeds from this plant is enough to kill a grown man :).

Last but not least! the most poisonous plant in Denmark. sometimes i go on the look for this because i would love to grow them.

Gifttyde (Cowbane/Water Hemlock)

the entire plant is poisonous but the root is the most poisonous part. the root looks like a parsnip but take one bite and you're likely gonna suffer a painful death. usually it only accidentally leads to the death of livestock who accidentally consume it. All of these plants can just be found in nature if you're looking for them.

[eggmeralda]

in my 2 years of college I only ever got one picture of that tree I always drove past on the way home and this is the only picture I can currently find of it (unless I find the physical photo somewhere) but anyway there he is in the middle

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My name story has a tw for suicidal thoughts:

Back during lockdown, I was stuck in my room downstairs, which sat just opposite the living room. At that point, my mental health had gotten worse and worse during that time, and my only reason for going out was to look for bridges to jump off

And then it started to get really cold so my parents lit the fire in the living room and I always used to sit there with the door to my room open and watch the fire. And at some point, I watched the embers jump out of the fire and try to stay alight despite the fact that they didn't have a chance, and it kinda made me realise that despite the fact that I thought I had no chance of living, I was still clinging to life

So I decided that no matter what happened to me, I would keep clinging to life like those embers and that's the origin of my name. So even when my mental health reaches rock bottom, I try to cling on through everything

- Ember 🔥

TW: suicide mention

My dear Ember,

I want to start this off by saying that I'm sorry you had to go through such a hard time. Everyone's story is unique, but as someone who also went through a time of struggling with suicidal thoughts, I can relate to the pain you felt.

But I also do not want to focus on the pain here. After all, it isn't a story about suicide - it's a story about hope. A story about surviving. A story about staying alive. And honestly, what a badass name story!

Ember is a unique and beautiful name anyway, but the meaning behind it adds even more to it. Your name is a reminder of your strength, of you saving your own life. That's such a powerful message! Thankyou for sharing it with me.

With all my love,

Your Tumblr Dad

[justchillandshipit]

I decided to give this image its own post so it wouldn't distract from the previous one. I want to touch lightly on this image for 8.5.

When they talked about Buck and things not going to plan, I was worried they would have his head stuck in the pumpkin. I'm glad they didn't have him do that. Sticking your head in a pumpkin is a doofus thing to do on purpose. I'm not in the mood for slapstick at Buck's expense. I'm feeling so protective of my two boys lately.

I also feel some kind of way about Buck being a doofus with Tommy who I do believe will be present in the Halloween episode. There has been a vibe with Tommy, I admit that it may be imagined, that seems to place him as older and wiser in a way that doesn't sit well with me. It's a power dynamic that takes the character of Buck and makes him less. (This was my only problem with Abby and Buck too, and I really liked Abby--until the moment she ghosted him.)

This is not intended as hate toward Tommy, but the way he was written in the Hen Begins and Chim Begins episodes is so problematic. He always had a superior air to him. He accepted Chim only after Chim saved him. He accepted Hen after she gave her speech about being seen. It was clear they had earned his respect, and that was good. However, it was his behavior that was racist. He was the one who needed to earn their respect. I think this is why I'm having a hard time accepting that he has changed, and I haven't seen anything that helps me adjust to him. His change was implied, but not shown with sufficient evidence. I think that is why when I see him with Buck, I keep feeling like he is with Buck because he is attracted and interested which is fine to a certain extent, but I also get that superior vibe too, like he's doing Buck a favor. The deleted scene would have helped with this because at least he admitted that Buck was the one running things. If things go the way some have predicted, I don't think Tommy will be sticking around so I guess it doesn't matter. I do know Tim wanted this relationship to be a positive one even if it isn't endgame. It's been too problematic to be positive. I think I still need a fix it.

If you stuck through the whole post, thanks. I didn't mean to go on so long. As for episode 8.4, I'm still processing it so more thoughts may follow. I do feel it was very good even though it wasn't as Eddie-heavy as many of us thought. It was great for the ensemble. I did expect the moment that would launch Eddie toward looking honestly at himself to be bigger than this episode gave us, but I could still see it, and I'm trusting Tim and the writers to deliver a good story. I'm not going to criticize before he's finished telling it. (Well, not much anyway. ;)

Oh, I'm still not so sure the lockdown for this episode was warranted. It was a good episode for sure, but from the way they were withholding on us, I was thinking something supermassive would happen. At most, I'm a little surprised they took out Ortiz this early, but I'm VERY happy with it.

[moonstrider9904]

And so, the last Bad Batch Eve falls upon us.

It is surreal to think that a show that has meant so much to me for three years will come to an end. I've talked about how meaningful TBB is to me many times, and I most certainly will in the future, but I didn't want to pass on the opportunity to do it on the last Bad Batch Eve we'll officially have.

The night before Aftermath premiered, I'd struggled with some pretty bad anxiety. In the weeks following after that and throughout the first season, I dealt with depression and anxiety being diagnosed as well as an ear infection the doctor attributed to said mental illnesses. I went through a pretty bad breakup. The lockdowns were at their peak where I was. But despite that being a rough time, I also vividly remember being in my room at home, my favorite place in the world, eating my favorite food and drinking my favorite relaxing tea, hearing it rain outside, wearing my favorite hoodie and my PJs, watching/rewatching those season 1 episodes. Seeing Crosshair deal with the inhibitor chip seemed to echo some of what I was going through, i.e. having something in your head you couldn't really control. I wondered how afraid he must have felt, and I sympathized with him.

During S2, as Crosshair was off with the Empire, I was off living in my hometown the first time, away from my true home and my family, and I have to admit I was very lost during that time. I did make mistakes. I did return home, and I left it again, albeit now more ready, more prepared, more stable. But it was still a second time leaving home.

S3 Crosshair has all but solidified my intent in going back home and not freaking leaving and I really hope the day in which I can return home to my family the way he did is sooner rather than later. Seeing him grow, own up to his mistakes, forgive and be forgiven, learn to control what's in his head, and heal, feels like a very fitting peak to a journey, a journey that had and still has its ups and downs.

And let's not forget the writing and the fandom. I have written things I didn't think I'd write, things I've loved so much that part of me wants to go back in time and rewrite to experience the joy of doing it all over again (looking at Moonlight here lol). I have also made gifs, which I didn't ever imagine doing! I edited music videos and crack meme compilations, which I had wanted to do for years. Fear not, I'll keep doing all of that - slowly, yes, but not with any less love. Y'all are stuck with me. 😁🩷

And as if all I've mentioned wasn't already very valuable, I cannot forget all the beautiful, wonderful, amazing people I've met because of this show. People who I've learned from, laughed with, cried with, fangirled with, gamed with... every single one of you has been the icing on the cake, the lattice on the pie, the parmesan on the pasta. You have all truly made this worth it and make me love being in the fandom. You give what I do a greater purpose, and you have become people I am happy to call moots and friends. I am over the moon that this show allowed me to cross paths with you. @photogirl894 @rebekadjarin @darthzero22 @arctrooper69 @jedi-hawkins @stardustbee @s-pirth-lemonade @eloquentmoon @sageislostinspring @nahoney22 @freesia-writes @kimageddon @emperor-palpaminty @rainydaydream-gal18 @imabeautifulbutterfly @paperback-rascal @pankeki-25 @dragonrebelrose @dragonrider9905 @questforgalas @lightwise @zoruui @nunanuggets @misogirl828 and everyone else ����

I love The Bad Batch and what it's done for my life in so many aspects. I love these characters for their growth and because they were there for me when nobody was, and because they brought me to so many amazing people. I am grateful that this show exists and I cannot wait to keep creating all the stuff I have planned, writing or otherwise.

Thank you, Clone Force 99, and thank you everyone for being a part of this journey!

🩷🌙

[dwobbitfromtheshire]

Stuck Between a Jock and a Metalhead

Summary: Nancy, on a whim, decides to visit Steve at Scoops Ahoy, which leads to her overhearing confessions from Steve that leads her to think about the decisions she's made. A few days later, she decides to come back. She finds him being hit on by the town freak. What's a girl to do? Oh, get stuck in a freezer with the both of them.

Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four - Chapter Five - Chapter Six - Chapter Seven - Chapter Eight - Chapter Nine - Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Steve’s POV

" . . . I'm going to rip out your parents' decrepit black hearts and show it to them still beating, letting them watch as I slowly crush them both in my hands. . . "

"Jesus, Robin," Steve scoffed.

It was a couple of days later, and they were both in the apartment above the salon. Steve had wanted to get a jumpstart on cleaning the place up and move out of his parents' house as soon as possible. Robin had protested at first because he was still wounded, but Steve wore her down by telling her of his grandfather's journals, which she was currently pouring through. If Nancy were here, she wouldn't give in so easily. Luckily, she was on lockdown at her house. Her mother hadn't been too pleased to find out that both her children had been in the fire and that Nancy had camped out at the hospital without telling her. Meanwhile, Eddie was at home getting his sister settled into her new life.

"This doesn't bother you?" Robin asked.

"Of course, it bothers me," Steve replied.

"Right, stupid question," she said. "How can you be so casual about all of it?"

"I don't know. I guess it's easier to accept the fact that I'm just not really going to have parents that stick around. They either die, or they just leave. It happens," Steve shrugged.

Robin let out a strangled noise, jumped up, and hugged him tightly.

"I'll be your dad!" Robin exclaimed.

"Robin!"

"Dad."

"Robin!"

"Dad!"

"I am not calling you that! You're younger than me!" Steve exclaimed.

Suddenly, there was a loud thunk that came from outside the apartment. Robin jumped away from Steve, her eyes wide.

"What the hell was that?" Robin asked.

"I don't know, stay behind me," Steve said and grabbed a lamp off the table.

They burst out of the apartment and heard the sound of scurrying feet as whoever it was flew out the curtains. Steve and Robin followed them until they heard the voices. They stopped at the curtain when they heard Dustin and Lucas.

"I'm going to my mom, and I'm going to make Steve my brother!" Dustin hissed at Lucas.

"No, I'm going to make Steve my brother!" Lucas exclaimed.

There was a long pause, so long that Steve thought they had left.

"Should we both just talk to each of our parents and make him brother to both of us?" Dustin asked.

"Yeah, that sounds fair," Lucas said.

They heard them walk out the door, and they peered through the curtain before entering the salon.

"What the hell was that about?" Steve asked.

"I think they want to adopt you, Steve," Robin said with a soft smile.

"Either that or kidnap me," Steve said.

"Probably a bit of both," Robin grinned.

They walked back into the apartment, and Steve set the lamp back onto the table. Robin plopped back on the floor again to continue reading the journals. It didn't take her long to finish.

"Ugh!" Robin exclaimed, clutching the journals to her chest.

"What?" Steve asked.

"Your grandparents! Their story is so beautifully poetic and heartbreaking. . .to have your own kid. . . and Steven! Oh my God! Steven! The love of your grandparents' lives but two different kinds of love. . . And you were named after him!" Robin exclaimed. "I never read anything so beautiful. Your grandfather was a wonderful writer."

"Are you going to keep losing it over my grandfather's journals, or are you actually going to help me clean like you promised?" Steve asked.

"Keep losing it," Robin sighed, and Steve glared at her. "Fine. Let's get to work. Meanwhile, we get to talk about your love life. Have you guys set a date yet?"

"Haven't really had time to talk about that," Steve said. "So, no."

"Okay. Well, once you guys get all settled, you guys need to come together and use your senses to find others like us. . .particularly girls for me. Ooh! Eddie can use his powers!" Robin exclaimed.

"One, that wouldn't be an appropriate use of his powers, and second, that would be an invasion of other people's privacy," Steve said. "Also, that's not how Eddie's powers work."

"Damn, you're right, now what?" Robin asked.

"Well, you could get to know people," Steve said.

"That sounds. . .exhausting," Robin sighed. "But I think it's my only option."

They had gotten pretty busy cleaning the place, dancing and singing to the sound of the radio as they did so. They didn't stop until they heard people coming in from downstairs. Steve turned off the radio and walked downstairs with Robin. He pulled back the curtains to find Dustin with his mom and the Sinclairs.

"Oh, Steve, look at you," Claudia cooed and hugged him carely.

"Like I told you the other day, I'm fine, Claudia," Steve said.

"We'll be the judge of that," Sue said.

"Man, it's been a minute since I've been in here," Charles grinned. "You think of opening it in honor of your grandfather?"

"Thinking about it," Steve said with a nod.

"Well, you're a lot like Otis, so I firmly believe that you're going to be a natural just like him," Sue said.

"Oh, you should have seen how Dusty had his hair for the Snow Ball. It was all, thanks to Steve, that it turned out so cute," Claudia said.

"This is actually pretty cool," Erica said, looking up at the artwork on the wall.

"We actually came to see if you needed any help," Sue said.

"You're Robin, yes?" Claudia asked.

"Yes, ma'am," Robin saluted.

"You wouldn't mind, would you, if you brought the kids upstairs while we talked to Steve?" Claudia asked.

"Of course!" Robin exclaimed. "Alright, kiddos, who wants to mock Steve’s old baby pictures?"

The kids followed Robin up the stairs, leaving Steve alone downstairs with the adults.

"Am I in trouble?" Steve asked.

"No, son, this is a good thing," Charles sighed.

"What's this about then?" He asked.

"Your grandfather was a good man, but, of course, you know that your father isn't," Sue scowled.

"Otis couldn't hide how hurt he was when his son turned against him, and despite the fact that John tried to hide it, he clearly hated his father. No one could understand why," Charles said.

"It wasn't anything that Grandpa did. Dad just couldn't stand who Grandpa really was, even though it did nothing to harm anyone. It was just who he was as a person," Steve said softly. "Dad can't stand anyone who's different."

"That is obvious," Sue sighed.

"We heard you were moving out of the house, and we just want you to know that you're our family just as much as our kids," Claudia said.

"As far as I'm concerned, you're our baby as much as Erica and Lucas," Sue said.

"We also wanted you to know that you do have parents who love you," Claudia said.

"You've done so much for your brothers and sister. Erica won't stop going on about how they wouldn't have made it out of that fire if it hadn't been for you," Sue said.

"And you stood up to Hargrove when he attacked Lucas," Charles said.

"You protected all the kids," Claudia said. "You are a good man, Steve. We're so proud of you. We love you."

"I-I love you too," Steve said in shock.

He didn't expect this to happen today, and he was a little overwhelmed by it all. He hadn't received this much affection from a parent since his grandfather had been alive, and it looked like it was going to be something he was going to have to get used to. Claudia smiled and pulled him into a hug, which caused the dam to break. Steve burst into tears. Claudia hugged him tightly, and he felt Sue run her fingers through his hair. Once he stopped crying, he pulled away from both of them allowing Charles to pull him into a hug as well.

"You have a home with all of us, son," Charles said.

"So, none of this Sue, Charles, and Claudia crap. We're mom and dad now," Sue said sternly.

"Okay. . .mom," Steve said.

It left a weird feeling stomach, and Steve knew it would take time to get used to having parents who actually gave a damn.

"Is he our brother now?!" Dustin's voice carried from down the stairs.

"Sorry! I tried to stop them, but they're slippery!" Robin exclaimed.

"Yeah! He's your brother now! Come on down!" Charles said.

Footsteps thundered down the stairs, and the boys burst through the curtains. Dustin and Lucas threw themselves so hard into Steve’s arms. They nearly knocked him down.

"Careful! He's still healing," Claudia said.

Steve laughed and pushed them off playfully. Erica rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Fine! I guess I'll give you one too," Erica said. "You better not tell anyone."

She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him a lot more carefully than the boys did. For the complaint that she made, Erica held on a lot longer than Steve thought she would.

"Alright," Sue said. "Let's get started."

"Wait, you were serious about us helping Steve clean up?" Lucas asked.

"You have a problem with helping your brother?" Sue asked, and Lucas quickly shook his head.

"I am allergic to dust," Dustin said. "Hence my name. It's ironic. I can't breathe dust in."

"You are not," Claudia giggled and hit his shoulder.

"Well, I had to try," Dustin said.

Steve laughed, a happy grin on his face as his family helped him clean up his new home and future place together. Despite what happened, things were starting to fall into place for Steve. He had a wonderful boyfriend and a girlfriend, a new best friend, and now, he had wonderful parents who seemed to love him as much as they loved their own flesh and blood children. This was what having a family was supposed to be like: delightfully chaotic. And yet, there was still a part of him that was waiting for the other shoe to drop. . .

Chapter Twelve

[lunarlegend]

vent post.

i'm really fucking sick of the way people use the internet to diagnose themselves with autism.

i used to support self-diagnosis because mental healthcare is extremely flawed, and i understand how difficult it is to find a good therapist/psychologist (not to mention how draining the whole diagnosis process can be). i also understand that there are legitimate reasons for not wanting an official diagnosis, because of how prevalent ableism still is, and how disability is treated in many places.

however.

this current trend of using autism as the latest "uwu i'm so autistic" internet craze is unacceptable, and it's drowning the voices of actual autistic people.

social media has taken all the "cute", "endearing", and otherwise "pretty" aspects of autism and left the rest, so us real life autistics (whose autism is DEFINITELY not always pretty) become overshadowed in our own spaces and get treated like we're weird for displaying actual traits of autism that aren't just "really liking a character" or "getting startled by a loud noise".

i got professionally diagnosed with autism in 2001 at the age of 12, after years of my parents being told i had "emotional problems" because no one knew how else to explain my "temper tantrums", which were actually intense autistic meltdowns that i'd have every time plans got changed or something caused me to get sensory overloaded.

i would lose sleep, tossing and turning in my bed to the point of tears, because i couldn't stand the texture of my flannel pajamas on my skin. i would endure hugs from my mother that were supposed to be comforting, because her light touches actually caused me pain.

i was constantly dragged around, forced into situations that made me overwhelmed and uncomfortable, and then blamed when i became so upset i couldn't calm down. things that most kids would enjoy, like a daytrip to an amusement park, overloaded my senses to the point where i couldn't sleep afterwards because all the lights and sounds and smells would stay stuck in my head for hours.

and that's not even when it got "bad". because as i got older, i started having shutdowns instead of meltdowns. shutdowns meaning, my brain would go into lockdown mode as a defense mechanism, and i'd lose my ability to speak or make eye contact with anyone. this happened anytime i was forced into an uncomfortable situation, and i had absolutely no control over when i'd be able to talk or look at anyone again.

and guess what? all of this came right along with my special interests, and social awkwardness, and all the "cute" parts of autism that the internet loves to romanticise. because actual autism is distressing. it causes you to be misunderstood and isolated. it causes adults to not know how to care for you or react to you. it causes you to hate yourself for no reason, because obviously you must be the problem.

i'm happy to say that, as an adult in my 30s, i no longer feel ashamed for being autistic, and i've long since forgiven myself for the ways i had to survive when i was younger. but i still get sensory overloaded. i still have to avoid certain textures, certain places, certain smells. i still hate to be touched. i still suck at socializing (even though i've become REALLY good at faking it).

the difference is, i have control over my life now, when i didn't before. and i can prevent myself from becoming as upset as i once did. but a lot of us aren't so privileged. there are plenty of autistic adults who cannot care for themselves, and who still experience meltdowns and shutdowns the same way i did when i was a child. because autism isn't pretty. and it's considered a disability for a reason.

all of which is to say, i'm absolutely fucking tired of seeing the word "autistic" thrown around like any old adjective in half the profiles on this site. if you actually think you're autistic, go talk to a professional. if you decide not to seek a formal diagnosis after that, fine. but at least you got an opinion from somewhere other than a fucking tiktok video. and if all you're going by is a fucking tiktok video? then you're probably not autistic and you have no right to go around describing yourself as such.

[miniteezez]

Jungkook x fem reader

Isolation

Genre: fluff, lockdown, cute

Warning: injuries? Not detailed.

A/n: I'm currently writing a yoongi ff that's gonna be a little longer. These shorter one shots were written in 2021 during lockdown. They were written with other idols in mind also.

Day thirty - six in isolation, I sighed as I made my way out into my balcony. It was currently six pm. Cold out but still beautiful as the sun set over the mountains. Cup of hot tea cupped between my two hands, I took a sip whole staring out at the view. A flock of blackbirds flew over making me smile as they cried out their call. No people were around, obviously all stuck at home, apart from the few people delivering people's weekly food shop. My eyes shut as I took in the air which recently seemed much fresher, easier to breath in. That was due to lack of pollution, the one good thing to come out of all this mess. Hearing the flick of a lighter disturb my peace , I opened my eyes and looked to my left seeing a boy around my age, maybe slightly older, burning a photograph. I didn't know my neighbours as I had just moved to this apartment before lockdown begun, but right now I wish I did. He looked depressed, like something had hit him really hard. Watching the picture burn, he waited till the flames nearly touched his fingers before letting it fall.

"Are you Okay?" My voice was quiet but the boy heard and turned to look at me. Immediately he rubbed his face and cleared his throat.

"Yeah I'm fine." His voice shook indicating the lie he was telling me. Pressing my lips together, I glanced around thinking for a few seconds before looking back at him. It was a stupid idea and also illegal but the good person in me didn't care.

"Do you want to come over?"

"I'm not allowed.. " Sighing at his response I shrugged,

"Well yeah technically but, if we've both been isolating whats the Harm? It looks like you need someone right now." He blinked fast and nod before heading inside and locking the balcony door. Quickly, I went to my front door and opened it seeing him already there with his hand up ready to knock. Stepping aside, I let him in and took him to where my couch was. He sat down and stared at his lap, clearly anxious.

"What's your name? I'm (y/n)." I asked as I too sat beside him, keeping a little distance so I didn't scare him off.

"Jungkook..thanks for inviting me over..I was going crazy alone." He admitted, looking at me grateful, I just smiled.

"Didn't you think to message or Skype with your friends?" His face dropped, eyes watering. Bringing his hands up to rub his eyes, he mumbled.

"I dont have any, not anymore..." figuring this topic was the reason for his sadness, I scooted closer and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Do you wanna rant about it? That will help lift the weight off I promise." Feeling him physically relax against my touch, he nod and took a deep breath in and began.

"I grew up with this guy..and he was the best friend ever. I really loved him like a brother but..just before all this he stole some money from me then pinned all my friends against him saying I'd beat him up.. " tears ran down his cheeks while he took a second to gather himself before continuing, I held his hand which he gripped tight.

"I didn't hurt him..but he..he did hurt me. When I caught him stealing I confronted him so he beat me..still have the cuts..cos he came back last week to try and "sort it out"..he just ended up getting mad." Jungkook put his head down, that's when I saw some of the bruises on his skin.

"I'm really sorry, you don't deserve that." I wrapped my arms around him, gently hugging him. He hugged back, burying his face into my neck for comfort as my hand rubbed his back soothingly. Feeling him wince a few times, I pulled back and looked at him.

"Want me to treat your wounds?"

"Do you know how?" He asked nervously, looking away I replied.

"I've had to treat a few of my own so, yeah." So I got up and lead kook into my bathroom helping him to sit on the edge of the tub. Whilst my back was turned, he slipped his shirt off and placed it next to him. Looking back at him, I could feel my face heating up. He was full of tattoos, once concealed by his shirt. Not expecting that, I ignored it and applied cream to the dark bruises that were dotted around his chest, arms and back. There was a deep cut on his shoulder so I aided it with ointment and placed a large plaster over it.

"You need to change it once a day. Otherwise it will get infected." He pouted and put his shirt back on carefully as I tidied everything away.

"Can you do it for me?"

"You'd have to come round every day." Immediately he smiled and nod standing up.

"Okay I will. It will be fun. Plus we'll both enjoy the company." He beamed making me smile.

A few weeks later, I was laying in bed around two pm just scrolling through my phone. Hearing my door open, I didn't even bother to look knowing who it was.

"Why are you still in bed?" Kooks voice didn't even make me flinch as he came over and laid beside me. Just shrugging, I hid under the covers only to feel arms wrapping around me. Instantly I relaxed and leant into his warmth.

"Come on you need to get up, keep your body clock going in the right way. Let's bake cookies." Smiling at his words, I nod and got myself up. We made our way to my kitchen and began to mix the dough. Once I had put the mixture in the oven, I turned seeing jungkook eating what dough was left in the bowl making me pull a face in disgust.

"You'll get food poisoning."

"Dont care." Together we laughed. I washed everything up, he dried then put the dishes away, helping me to get everything done right. Within twenty minutes, the cookies were done and kook got them out of the oven, placing the tray on the stove. Sitting myself on the counter, he took a hot cookie and fed me one whilst standing infront of me, between my legs. Nodding my head I looked up at him approvingly.

"Its really good...what's Up?" Noticing him staring at my lips, I asked him this. Instead of responding, he leant down and kissed the corner of my mouth then licked his lips.

"You had some chocolate there.." after staring at him in shock for a few seconds, I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him down and kissing him properly. Eagerly, he kissed back, hands on my waist and inching slightly closer. Pulling away slowly, I smiled shyly and buried my face into his chest, making him chuckle. Jungkook ran his hand over my hair gently.

"I'm glad you let me in.." he spoke quietly , looking down then kissing my head. I looked up at him, a giant smile on my lips.

"So am I. I'm glad I could help to heal you." Nodding at me, he pecked my lips again before sealing me in a tight hug. Maybe lockdown isn't so bad after all.

[palialaina]

I...

am wiped out.

What the hell was that temple????

Okay, so, Einar sent me a letter asking if I could come see him, and told me he'd picked up a signal from another galdur asking for help. He and Hekla tried to get into the place, but it was sealed down and they weren't able, so... turn to the humans time!

Holy shit.

First I had to lift the lockdown. Which means finding the places where the lockdown was engaged. There was one by Mirror Pond in Kilima, and the other two were in Bahari, and I knew that underground space near those two geysers was important for something!

Also, it felt weird to be doing something for Hekla without Jina noticing.

But anyways.

So, we get into this temple and like...

First there was this door. I talked to Einar and Hekla before we opened it, and this place isn't so much a temple as it is some sort of factory, where galdur are built! Hekla didn't remember much, but Einar did, and he thought it was odd coming back after so long.

There's a crumbling wall once we get inside, so I take my pickaxe and have a go. It... broke a lot easier than I expected, and I do, in fact, have new bruises and bruise balm from Chayne. (He gave me a look, but you know what, I've been good recently!)

And there was this stuff. A whole rail system carting parts and pieces around. I wonder if it's possible to make new galdur though? I haven't seen any other than Einar and Hekla around Kilima... If there's a whole factory for them, where are they coming out?

I had to activate several flow gates, still running on that weird 'humans only' protocol thing. But once I did, Hekla and Einar could join me, which....

Well, in retrospect, I kind of wish they hadn't.

We got to the main factory door, and no one could open it except this... weird thing. I think the Galdur in charge here made points of access instead of having a body to roam around in? Which seems... I don't know, kind of sad and lonely at the end of it.

But it took exception to Einar having more than one Oneness, and tried to factory reset my boy!

I don't fish a lot, and I don't often hang out with Einar, but he is probably the least complicated of all the villagers, and the most willing to help when I need someone to put something up high.

I freaked. Not even going to pretend I didn't. I just kind of blew through most of the factory, only stopping in a couple of places because something caught my attention

I wanted to just hug this galdur. No, they don't have life, but... Ugh. It hurts to see them like this, okay? Also, those pink beams in the back hurt, and I am never telling anyone how I got these new scars. I'll never hear the end of it...

We were finally able to confront The Gardener and interrupt the process of the reset, which... well. Did not go as well as I'd hoped. I was thinking we cut the flow access, Einar goes back to himself, but no dice. He was stuck between blank slate and old, and could restore, so I had to go reason with The Gardener about putting him back the way he was.

I don't think it really understood in the end, but... well, I read the logs that were scattered along the way, and The Gardener basically got abandoned by its creator when they got a promotion. And I know people get loopy when they're left alone, so a galdur, based around humans to start and in charge of producing more of their own kind?

Yeah, I'm super lucky that didn't backfire on me. I guess being sad and gentle and anxious at it worked pretty well.

Einar's almost back to his old self, but I'm going to keep checking in on him for a few weeks, just to be certain. That was definitely not my idea of a good time, even if it all turned out okay.

I wonder if I can go back and talk to The Gardener again? The logs said it had a body at one point, maybe...

Hm. I'll talk to Jina and Naj, about it. Maybe Zeki too. Between the four of us, I'm sure we can come up with something.

Oh, and it doesn't end there either, though I kinda wish it did.

Because as ever, with that stupid sliding puzzle done, I had to go see what changed in the Sky Temple, and see what the next set of things to collect are, and... welll....

I have multiple questions.

Apparently this beam of light shot down from the moon (humans lived on a fucking moon????), when I finished the last puzzle (or thereabouts. Jina assumes that's when it happened) and unlocked this. Whatever this is. She thinks I'll get it when I finish putting things in the vault, but like... I don't know that I want it. Something about it gives me the creeps.

That's not stopping me from going and getting all the things I can for the vaults though. Muujin Bahari still remains the worst recipe possible and I have no idea how I manage to keep making it so well... As it stand, right now I have only two things left. The five rootseeker medallions somewhere in Bahari, and that absolutely absurd amount of apples.

Why 100 apples? W h y?

Granted, the chaos doesn't end there either. I got back to the village, and Subira wanted to talk to me again. I had to run all over Bahari and Kilima to find out that Kenli of all people was delivering the weird packages to the lighthouse. I like Kenli, but this man is occasionally as dumb as a box of rocks.

There's no way he's helping the cartel deliberately. Subira agreed with that assessment, at least, and apparently the shipment was being used to smuggle flow stones. She thinks it's someone in the Order, smuggling things to Gimalkin or others, and you know... not to be all I knew it, but like.

I kinda knew it.

She gave me the weird nightlight Zeki ordered to keep an eye on, so I stuck that in my temple for safekeeping.

Honestly, it looks like something Tamala should have.

Speaking of Tamala...

She asked me to grab something from her room, and much as I don't like her, I obliged, and saw a weird recipe hanging out on her desk. I admit it, I'm nosy. I went and asked her about it, so she suggested I make it because 'she didn't know either'.

I don't know why I believed her...

But I got everything it needed, made it, and then she insisted I test it on myself, then go talk to five adult Majiri and report back with what I found.

I'm never touching anything of hers ever again, just for the record. Or talking to her if I can avoid it. Ugh. I still feel sick from that potion...

But I did, I went and talked to my boys, Reth, and Jina, and everyone showered me in compliments and food. It was... weird. I mean, Reth usually has me taste-test food for him, but this wasn't the norm. And Jel, I love him, but that man should never be allowed near a stove. (He made me sushi. I love him, but not that. I can it to the palcats, they loved it) Hodari and Hassian both gave me meat dishes, and Jina gave me some stuffed mushrooms, and I feel bad, but all the food is in my chillbox...

Anyways, went back to Tamala and asked her what the actual fuck. She told me that the potion releases the inhibitions of the people I talked with, and those were their true feelings. She also said that I was cruel for doubting them, and like...

I don't like Tamala. I don't trust her. And I didn't need some potion to give me insights to how my friends and loves felt.

Ugh, I'm going to be stewing on this for a while, I'm so mad at her.

I need to rest. I'm gonna be busy with my apple trees for the next little while, and then hunting down those medallions. Auni's also found out that bugs have flower seeds attached (this kid, I swear), and now I've grown gardenias, hydrangea, and roses. It's delightful.

I did finally get my aquamarine. It's... soothing. To have it right there with the amethyst. Dad also helped me build a koi pond, and was very impressed with the fancy Duskwing I caught.

And that, I think, is all the chaos I've had to deal with. I am going to rest, put ointment on my bruises, and try not to fret too much over Einar.

I really did not need that heart attack...

[versaceeevixen]

Seven Stages of... Shock and Denial

Investigations were had, searching for that damn master keycard. Nothing turned up. I asked my one friend Xandra if she could possibly ask the cards "where is the keycard? Am I going to get fired?" I asked her over the phone, and I didn't know what the actual spread looked like. My whole livelihood and job was on the line, and these tarot cards could possibly give me a direction on where to go. I had no answers... no clue on what exactly happened...

Like I was there, but I wasn't. I was totally removed from the situation. Like in Mario Kart when you play against yourself in ghost trails.

Xandra was one of the few tarot card readers on campus that I knew. There was a few more, but I was the closest to her at the time. She was a girl who was apart of the Lazer Tag boys like me, but not really apart of it. She had her own friend group, one apparently that she turned two of her "guy best friends" in the group against each other. By dating them and breaking their hearts. I never really thought of it really, as I was dealing with my own heartbreak.

Xandra helped me with my worst heartbreak (at the time), it was messy and along with being stuck with my Mother. I got my heartbroken over text, I thought at the time I wasn't meant to be in a stable(ish) relationship. A whole lockdown ruined my chances of having something normal. Which felt unfair, it was drilled into my head as a teenager that I was going to have a "college sweetheart." I wanted to wash my hands of the abusive relationships of the past, and have something "normal."

She would say to me about my ex "He isn't shit// You can do so much better// He's ugly." At the time, I thought that was better, and I was doing better.

Despite helping me with my woes, Xandra and I would have late night excursions doing typical late 2010's early 2020's post-lockdown college girl shit. Except stealing traffic cones and dumbshit like that. It was a vibe... at the time. She even gifted me The Modern Witch Tarot Cards deck for my birthday. Another Blue themed deck to add to my Blue Tarot card collection, despite me not trying to have blue tarot cards. It just happened that way I guess.

So, she was a shufflin' the cards, as my stomach was a shufflin' too. I don't remember much from the spread but I do remember one card.

The chariot, which the interpretation of that card for the question meant that; the key was lost either in my car, or on my way from the hill to my dorm building. I had checked multiple times for the key, I still couldn't find it.

"Am I going to be fired?"

Xandra told me multiple times that I was "fine"

Everyone told me that I was going to be fine, despite my intuition saying otherwise.

Big Sis told me I was going to be fine.

My RD after the initial investigation meeting told me I was going to be fine.

My friends told me I was going to be fine.

So, fine I let it go. The keycard was replaced at this point, and everything blew over right?

It was my turn to take over the office for "Active RA Duty" my co-worker had left her email open. I caught a glance of "RA Summer Position Offer." as I closed her email and signed into mine. I didn't have that same position extended to me.

I thought it was weird, but shrugged it off. However, I heard from another RA from an old building that she got it. I also heard another RA got the email too from another dorm building as well, along with all of the RAs from my dorm building got the offer.

"So why didn't I get the email?" I asked Big Sis, as I was shuffling and preparing my tarot cards. Because, once again she asked for another love reading about her affair with her resident. She told me that maybe they asked seasoned residents, she shrugged.

"Anyway about my question, Wha-"

I interrupted her, for once I wanted MY questions to be answered correctly. I asked the cards... What is going to happen about the key situation? About my job?

I don't remember much about that tarot spread, but I can tell you about the weather outside that day. I can tell you how her room was setup, where she was sitting in her room, and what was on her TV at the time. But I do remember this card coming up and gasping.

Upright meaning: heartbreak, separation, sadness, grief, sorrow, upset, loss, trauma, tears.

I covered my hand on my mouth, there was no other meaning to interpret that. Big Sis still, reassuring me that everything was going to be fine.

Okay, so this is the last post before things get really messy and fucked are you ready?

[magicalrocketships]

tagged by @janinaduszejko

relationship status: this soul is an independent one, I like living by myself.

fav color: look, on the one hand I always want to DROWN in a really dark green, but I've also spent the last couple of months being OBSESSED with that kind of desert art duo of pink and pale blue teamed with a white or dark green (think Miami track colours for those people who can follow that specific thought process through, or the kind of colours you get if you google palm springs desert art).

song stuck in ur head: Let Me Drown by Orville Peck / Dwight and Duley by Cris Williamson (at first it was admiration // he found a friend in something less than good // he comes on the regular // he comes on the regular now) - I think it's actually a song about a horse during lockdown but as no lyrics exist on the internet for it then I'll just make my own assumptions thank u

last song u listened to: Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers

3 fav foods: Look, I like pretty much everything so narrowing it down is hard but Ken Hom has a beef green curry with aubergine in his old Ken Hom Cooks Thai cookbook and it's by far the best green curry I've ever had outside a restaurant, so. That. There's a place near me that does a breakfast bao, which is basically a sausage patty and egg and hash brown and sriracha in a bao and I don't want to throw down the location pin too specifically but if you know, you know. And my mum's lasagne with her bechamel sauce is my favourite thing to eat and it's always my first choice for my birthday meal (however close that falls to my actual birthday).

last google: um. well. before sriracha so I could figure out how to spell it, it was 'anatomical penis diagram' for this Max/Daniel fic I'm writing (don't ask), except my unexpected learning was that dicks have a muscle called the bulbospongiosus muscle, and -- aside from sounding like a pokemon -- I didn't know THAT existed before, so we've all learned something today.

dream trip: Right now I am too sick to travel, which sucks, particularly as I have a LOT of air miles from some judicious use of an air miles credit card for the whole of lockdown + beyond BUT the fantasy would be a) come hang out with friends in America again, it's been too long, and too many plans got put on hold years ago, b) some ridiculous train journey out of a mystery novel, like the Orient Express or whatever, some fancy sleeper cabin where porters carry my luggage about, and c) I'd love to go back to Dubrovnik, I loved it there even though i was very kidney-sick through that whole trip and should probably have been at home in hospital (jazz hands). That trip was years and years ago. It would be nice to go back (less sick this time). And like a million more trips because the world outside is fascinating.

anything i want right now: Be less unwell would be nice (and obvious) but other than that, the sky outside is SO pink and pretty right now, super lovely sunset. Unfortunately no one told me that moving so close to the sea would mean you had to wash your windows so fucking often because of the salt build up, so I'm looking at this incredible sunset through the grainiest, blurriest window. Magically salt-free windows. That's an achievable one at least.

tagging @easterwings (because I owe them an email and this might remind me to actually press send), @astorytotellyourfriends, and @allwaswell16, my goblin buddy.

[rebeccalouisaferguson]

Rebecca Ferguson: The first to ask questions in the intview

Ferguson calls via videocall from London and takes the interview in her own hands.

Rebecca Ferguson: Before we start I'd like to ask whats there behind you on the table. Sorry, I like to see through zoom-interviews the rooms of my intviewers.

ICONIST: What particular are you interested in?

Ferguson: The first book in the pile, for example.

ICONIST: I have to take a look for myself now. Here, "Bill Gates. How the prevent the next pandemic."

Ferguson: Oh. Does Bill have some good advice in it?

ICONIST: It's complicated. Gates had already warned of the dangers of such pandemics before the Covid outbreak. He later received death threats because one of his quotes, taken out of context, was used to create the grotesque fake news that he wanted to use the corona virus to microchip all of humanity. With that, we could now seamlessly move on to the conspiracies in your new series, Silo, in which no one knows which stories about human threats are true and which are fabricated.

Ferguson: *laughs* You are right.

ICONIST: The world has been destroyed, 10,000 people have survived in an underground silo, locked up there, isolated from the outside world. Nobody knows what really happened outside. You're not entirely wrong to take this as a depressing parable of the pandemic, are you?

Ferguson: There are certainly many parallels to events that happened not so long ago - the horror of the Covid lockdowns, governments wanting to control their environment, scarcity of resources and the need to recycle in order to survive. Only the novels on which the series is based have been published since 2011. And as an actress, what interests me most is the quality of the storytelling and the characters. When I was working on this role, I didn't think too much about whether the future society in the film had anything to do with today's society. To be honest, I don't want to think about the future of the world because sometimes it gets me pretty depressed. I am aware that I lead a very privileged life and that I am very fortunate. Don't get me wrong: it's important to me to speak my mind, for example I'm fighting for equality at every level. I accept those battles that I am convinced I must fight. Other than that, I just try to be friendly to others.

ICONIST: Your series about the silo society offers less action-packed science fiction escapism, instead it relies more on dialogue. It is reminiscent of Samuel Beckett's end-time visions in his play "Happy Days" - with two actors who are stuck in a mound of earth after an apocalypse, sink into it and console themselves with purposeful optimism about their hopeless situation.

Ferguson: I love your reference to Samuel Beckett *laughs* Makes perfect sense. I've done a lot of research on depression and trauma to better understand the loneliness, grief, and loss that weighs on my character. And I like philosophy. The theses of Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Thomas Hobbes, for example, both of which assume the natural equality of human beings, i.e. that humans are good by nature and only become evil through society. It was interesting to transfer such thoughts to the film, to ask oneself: What happens when you condense this thesis and show what happens when many people are isolated in a room closed off from the outside world? And when down there one lie about the alleged causes of the catastrophe is followed by another. Do people rebel against lies? Regardless of the penalties they face? Those were the basic questions that fascinated me about this series.

ICONIST: The series is based on Hugh Howey's internationally successful best-selling trilogy "Wool", which is adored by fans. Did you feel pressure to live up to expectations? There are enough examples of film adaptations of fantasy and science fiction novels that have been torn apart by fans.

Ferguson: No, I didn't feel any pressure. It's great that this book series was so successful and has so many fans. I can only do my best. If people don't like it, that's unfortunate, but then there's nothing you can do about it. However, before I engage more intensely with such a role, I always do a lot of research on fan sites. I spend hours reading all sorts of things there.

ICONIST: Why are you doing that?

Ferguson: Because I often discover interesting details on these sites. For example, if a fan writes, "I love how the author describes how Juliette keeps her hand in a pocket the whole time." That's a small but significant detail. I said to myself, "Great, I'm going to do this the whole time through the shoot."

ICONIST: You say you don't like to think about the future too often. In a podcast "Spark Hunter" published in 2022, you dealt with the currently much discussed topic of the future of artificial intelligence. Actress Trudie Styler, wife of Sting, directed. What appealed to you about recording a podcast – actually more of a radio play – in addition to all your film commitments?

Ferguson: I like Trudie very much. When she called me one day and asked, "Do you want to do a radio play with actor Mark Rylance?" I immediately said, "If Mark Rylance is in, I'll be in, no matter what it is." Then sent me the scripts and I got scared at first.

ICONIST: Why?

Ferguson: Because it was pretty complicated stuff, with a lot of details about AI. It was just hard to understand at first. Mark Rylance voicing the inventor of a female artificial intelligence robot whom I speak. And then suddenly this robot starts to develop feelings, it takes pleasure in provocation and in questioning society. And reveals morbid feelings about human life - it's brilliant.

ICONIST: Sting also has a small speaking role in the podcast. In 1984 he had an unforgettable scene as an actor in David Lynch's film adaptation of "Dune - the desert planet" as the villain Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen. There he stands with an oiled naked body, only wearing a futuristic loincloth, which he himself once described as the "first example of flying underpants".

(Rebecca Ferguson is laughing)

You can be seen as Lady Jessica in Dennis Villeneuve's remake of Dune. While working on the podcast, did you and Sting talk a bit about how sci-fi staging has changed over the past 40 years?

Ferguson: We actually did. I remember sitting with him and his wife at a table in their beautiful home at their winery in Tuscany. At one of our long dinners, I asked him, "Do you know what I'm filming?" "No," he said, "what?" Then I revealed to him that we were remaking Dune. And then his eyes suddenly lit up and we went on a long journey in our conversation, talking about what it was like shooting the first film back then, compared to the new one.

ICONIST: And the flying underpants?

Ferguson: (laughs) I won't give you any details, that's between Sting and me.

ICONIST: In winter comes the second part of the Dune film adaptation, in which you again play Lady Jessica, the mother of the young hero Paul Atreides. In the summer you can also be seen again as MI6 agent Ilsa Faust alongside Tom Cruise in "Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning" - and already in the ten parts of the Apple TV series "Silo". it doesn't get any better. Aren't you afraid of overexposure?

Ferguson: No. This is going to be a big year for me, with three very different film productions that I'm very proud of. Things like that don't happen all the time. I don't worry too much about it. I'm damn happy it turned out that way. You never know if something like this will happen again. Actors often come into the limelight very quickly, but then just as quickly go out of fashion. Age is often not helpful either. In that sense, I feel like I'm in a good place right now. I've been very lucky.

ICONIST: It is your third appearance in the Mission: Impossible series and your second in Dune. Is it also important for you to have something like consistency in big blockbusters, in times of intensifying competition between film studios and streaming providers with an unprecedented oversupply of films, in which there are also rows and rows of flops?

Ferguson: It's actually nice that I now know my role in "Mission: Impossible" well, because working on the set is complicated because we often don't have finished scripts. Working on the Mission: Impossible movies is so different from other movies. But that's what makes it so exciting. I know my role, but I'm always getting to know new actors who are in for the first time. In their eyes, I can immediately see what they're thinking when they're on set for the first time: "What the hell…?" Then I just think to myself: "I know that, I felt the same way at first." Then it's nice, when you are already familiar with your role. Lady Jessica in "Dune" is also a cool woman. In the second part, however, she is changed. I won't reveal any details now. Just this much: Your performances in the second part are so different from those in the first that it felt like I was playing a new person.

ICONIST: What does it do to you when you switch from one large-scale production to the next?

Ferguson: Well, while I was shooting Silo, I got a message that I had to do some reshoots on the Mission: Impossible movie. I love that kind of thing yeah You always think you need breaks. Until it suddenly: "We need you for four days in June to reshoot scenes for 'Mission: Impossible'." Then you're suddenly sucked in again. I love that because I love the roles too. It sure would be bad if I had to work on set in a terrible environment. That's not the case. It is great.

translated from German by @edwardslovelyelizabeth exclusively for @rebeccalouisaferguson

[wolfpants]

If you’re still doing the writing asks, I’d like to ask!

🌿how does creating make you feel?

I am, yes! Sorry for the slowness 😅 Thank you for the question 💖

This is going to sound so pathetic, but creating makes me feel like I'm worth something.

I've never felt like I've been great at anything (but not for lack of trying! and I do think that is the most important thing!) - I was a poor to average student (bad attention span, apparently spent too much time daydreaming about my special interests rather than focusing on things like maths and science and apparently the things that matter, according to my teachers), and all the hobbies/crafts I picked up over the years I'd start and then let go of before I could master them (I used to be really into art and drawing when I was younger, and I think I could have been good at it if I stuck it out for longer, I also used to play instruments but I never had the patience for learning them "properly", and did much better at self-teaching than being instructed).

Even when I started writing as a teenager I let my lack of focus get the better of me and I just didn't allow myself to see things through. And as I got older, I felt like I couldn't share anything I did (writing wise) with the world because it all felt a bit half done.

Then the pandemic happened.

I've always excelled at consuming. I was a film student, I watched films like it was my job (and for a while, it kind of was), listened to music like it was my job (same thing), read loads and loads of books and absolutely consumed every piece of queer lit I could get my hands on. Including fanfic.

When lockdown started I found myself with time, and with a narrowed focus. I read more fic and I got really into Wolfstar - after primarily being a Drarry reader - and decided I wanted to try writing something of my own and publishing it. I didn't expect it to go anywhere. I had the support of a best friend (who I happened to meet on Harry Potter livejournal back in the day and is now one of my closest friends) who encouraged me to keep going with it, so I did, and it gained a little traction, and the positive feedback on that encouraged me to keep going and the more I went the more joy I got out of creating and realising that - making my own stories, writing the fic I want to read, is a really joyous, fulfilling thing. And it finally allowed me to finish something and feel like yes, I achieved that, I did something exactly the way I want, I completed something on my own terms.

And the more I create, the less I feel a need to do it for anyone's approval other than my own, and that I've found is the secret to a rewarding, joyous creative output.

So, when I create, I feel purpose, within myself. I feel joy.

... sorry for the essay 😂

Anyway, if anyone else wants to hear my jumbled assortment of thoughts, go ahead! Fanfic writer ask game <3

[heresiae]

So, the list of colleagues that I like is shortening fast.

The last one was kind of unexpected, but I think it's another gift from the pandemic.

He used to be that kind of coworker that always put you at ease. Never raising his voice, always available, ready for a laugh, but quick and precise in his work. I liked him very much.

And then I don't know what happened. Maybe living two years with a teen without being much able for anyone to get out of the house, working always alone, without people around, etc, kind of hindered his social capacities, or maybe, just his masking.

In less than two months he was able to:

have a rant on how queer rights problems are everywhere and he's tired to have his own put in second place and wanted more discourses on them;

responded to me about an observation about how not good is the show business environment for a child actor and we should just be happy with the 20 something playing the teens and slightly older child playing the younger (and it's not like they're not able to make them look like age appropriate, Derry Girls is a good example) with a shrug and a clear implication that he didn't care as long as he can enjoying media proper portrayed

had a full rant after I pointed out that 1 inch of snow is not enough yet to have the snow plow out, that it takes time to move men, machinery and resources (salt) and everyone should just 1. respect the law (aka, mounting snow tires by Nov 15) and 2. go slow (a coworker had shared in the communal chat a picture of a car that went slightly out of road in a tree-lined avenue. the trees were in the center, dividing the roadways; there was the flowerbed was elevated by a few inches and the car had managed to slip up the flowerbed from the road and stop before a tree. also, the road was still quite clean, because it didn't snow enough to make the snow overcome the water and car passage, sticking to the road. a perfectly manageable road, if you go slow with proper tires...). this rant had escalated because he commented the picture with a "fucking municipality" and I wasn't understanding why he was blaming it and he told "no snow plow or salt", on the first (and only) snowing day of the season after only a couple of hours of fast snow (not really heavy, a medium thing). he didn't like my objections and called me boomer (he's at least 10yrs more than me...).

the last straw it was on facebook, but I didn't let myself memorize his rant and just unfriended him. it was something that just confirmed be that I don't like him and his opinions.

now I'm quite afraid of mostly every my coworker, because it's clear that:

I didn't understand shit about some of them

lockdown collateral effects might still have some surprises

Unfortunately, I don't have anymore people that usually help me navigate work society (autistic here, diagnosis still pending), so I'm stuck to just keep everyone at arm length, but not too much, because there are some people that I already know are not above to stab me in the back if I do the wrong move (or I don't show the proper... affection).

so, I'm stuck in a perpetual social anxiety.

not good at all for my mental health and the need of my spoons to to shit in the house, but I'll have to make do...

[nyxtheshipper]

I am here to talk about my breakup again.

Now more than ever, I can truly feel how the pandemic really thwarted with my development. Mind you, I was 19 when it started and those years on lockdown were my high school graduation and my entry to college. I passed the exam for the national school but couldn't go in the end because the college was on pause, deciding what to do, so I stayed in the same school that was my high school, since they're mainly a university and they were starting classes on time.

I didn't get to choose my college career, my mom chose it. I wanted to go to film school, but this college didn't have film so mom put me in animation since I like to draw. After that, it was two years of lockdown, of online classes, of only interacting with my family and my ex and his nuclear family. We got lucky, living in the same closed neighborhood. Idk if english speaking countries have neighborhoods that are closed off to the public by a manned gate, but that's where we lived.

Thing is though, looking back, it wasn't so lucky. We were stuck. We took our classes online, then saw each other in the afternoon. We went to the empty neighborhood park, or to the convenience store when it was open. We watched films and started doing sleepovers, we couldn't do much else. We were thwarted. We didn't grow, how could we? There were no new experiences. Not until we moved cities. I think mentally we were both still 19, and had to grow up everything we hadn't in two years.

We were young(er), dumb(er), and trying to go back to our (new) normal lives. We grew it all up, maybe we grew it wrong, having grown accustomed to seeing each other daily, of being each other's support system because our friends couldn't hang out. Maybe we thought that we'd be there for each other always. We got used to that solitude, of alone together, of an us against the world mentality.

Maybe that's why it was so hard for him when he left for the semester. We stopped knowing how to make friends without the other around. I at least got back to a city I already knew people in, but him? He had nothing. I had to push him forcefully to make friends. He was so bent on just spending time with me, I hadn't realized how codependent we'd become. It came to a point where he made me feel like I had to choose between him and my friends.

It had been easier to make that choice before, I chose it willingly every weekend before he'd left. But now we were apart, and I realized that I hadn't had a friend group of my own in such a long time. He was in my friend group in high school, so thats around eight years of him and I sharing friends. Five years of relationship, and therefore no separated friend groups that him or I never met.

That's why I truly believe the bubble finally popped.

[6ofwandz]

So yes, I saw him drinking every night on facetime for months before I invited him to come live with me. The pandemic had just come to America and everyone was talking about going into lockdown. He said that he was working in the basement at his sister's house, his bedroom, after going through a horrible roommate situation with someone who had screwed us both over at separate times. I had visited his sister's house so I knew this to be true, but he was working a full time job and it seemed like a decent relationship with her and everyone else he spoke to. Like I said before, I thought I knew this man. We went to the same high school.

Despite my nervousness at his levels of alcohol consumption in this phase of our relationship, he was the most emotionally open man I had ever experienced, or so I thought. He swooned me with all these seemingly deep conversations. We would smoke together and go down the rabbit-hole of some topic. He knew about my passion for my daughter and my desire to be a constant and active participant in my child's life. (I have a seven year old from a previous relationship). When my mental health seriously collapsed in 2020 and I lost custody of my daughter for a few years while I worked every single day to get better, I thought he was by my side.

A few months into the two of us living together I realized that I never been around someone who drank so much. He was getting these huge hundred dollar orders of alcohol delivered to us during the height of lockdown, and once he started drinking while at work I knew something was seriously wrong.

Then the meltdowns started. He would get so drunk he'd have to spend the rest of the night in the bathroom, slumped over the toilet passed out from how much he had chugged after work. The occasional night where he would become overemotional from drinking became more and more frequent and if I wasn't careful I would have to spend another night listening to him incoherently attempt to rehearse heartbreaking moments of his past he hadn't given himself the permission to process any time before.

As a codependent I didn't know how to set good boundaries with him. I thought that a good boundary was to not get too attached to the idea that he was drinking, to not let it determine how I viewed him. I believed that I was supposed to just stay quiet as long as he was spending his own money, not reminding myself that his money was ultimately impacting me when I began paying all the bills, when I got stuck with the entirety of the electric and gas bills because of another sob story he had given me.

So, I stayed quiet, time after time as I continued to witness him throwing up at parties, screaming at me that he was fine to drive home from the bar, losing hundreds of dollars in one weekend multiple times, after he sexually assaulted me multiple times, once in front of friends. I stayed with him because he seemed like a family man. He encouraged me in my art, told me I needed to get more friends, seemed to believe in me when no one else really did. I stayed because I saw his potential and I believed that when he told me that he wanted to change, but that he didn't know where to start, he was just so overwhelmed, he was scared. I have heard every single excuse in the book and still the kind part of my soul told myself that he was doing his best and I was being too hard on him for expecting to be treated better. For hoping that someone who claimed to love me as much as he did, who made me feel like he genuinely wanted to do life with me, would respect me a little more than he did.

I have been through it all with him these last four years and yet still, to this day, two months after we broke up, he believes there is a chance that one day we will work out, that we will be able to make something incredible together if only he takes the time to heal by himself. The truth is, if you had asked me a few weeks ago if I also believed that I would have said yes. I would have told you that what society said about abusive men is all wrong, they can change. I would have believed myself strong enough to have evaded the attempt of a man who knew he had done me tremendous wrong and yet still believed that he could win me back like he had made such great emotional changes in the two weeks since we had broken up. After all, I spent an entire month planning my escape, nine months before that contemplating once and for all if I wanted to stick around. It took me having to save his life and him claiming that the two issues were unrelated for me to finally get the courage enough to leave. I still have not been successful in getting myself out, however, and this is my rock bottom.