#and i promise that it doesn’t hurt them at all

[formula-ghost]

Wildflower (OP81 x fem!reader x LN4)

Chapter 1

SERIES SUMMARY: You’ve been best friends with Oscar Piastri since you were seven, far before the dream of Formula 1 even seemed possible. You’ve been with him from the very beginning—due, in no small part, to the fact that you’ve been in love with him since you were a teenager. But when a breakup and championship battle rattles the very foundations of your friendship, you begin to question if you ever really knew him. (Best friends to lovers, based on the song Wildflower by Billie Eilish)

WORD COUNT: 11.1k

WARNINGS: Oscar is not a very good boyfriend to Lily and Lily is not a very good girlfriend to Oscar. Potentially changed some dates (I think Oscar and Lily started dating when they were 17 or 18, but I’m making them 18 for the sake of the flashback scenes). Reader is “the girl he told me not to worry about” through no fault of her own. This story has a lot of complex character dynamics and everyone is flawed! References to sex but no actual smut.

A/N: Ah new series! I hope this is good—I’m trying some new stuff with the flashbacks and story layers, so I hope it doesn’t read too confusingly! Also, I’m trying to be more intentional with showing instead of telling with my dialogue and such, so hopefully that is an improvement. I always welcome constructive criticism, but either way, I hope you all enjoy this.

“Lily left me.”

He only needed those three words to convey the gravity of the situation. On the other end of the line, you were silent. He was too. What was there to say?

No, it couldn’t be real. Oscar and Lily were inseparable. The dream couple of Formula 1. Your best friend had been in love with her since the pair were 18, attending boarding school in the UK together while Oscar pursued his dreams of making it to F1. 

They were each other’s everything. At least, that’s what the world thought.

But you had seen this coming for a while now. It was just a shock for it to actually happen. 

Finally, after an eternity, you spoke, still too shocked to formulate a coherent thought. “What do you mean?” you asked.

“I mean she fucking left me. What else do you want me to say?” You could hear the quivering in his voice, giving away the sadness behind his abrasive response. You weren’t offended one bit. 

“Shit, Osc, I’m so sorry. I… don’t know what to say. Do you want me to come over? Or you can come to mine?” 

“I’m outside yours right now. In the car park.” 

“I’ll let you in,” you said. The mental image you conjured of Oscar outside your apartment crying in his fancy McLaren would have been comical, if not given the circumstances.

He let himself in only a few moments later, hoodie covering his tall and muscled frame. He was soaked from the rain outside—he must have come directly from the confrontation. 

“Oh, Oscar,” you said, pulling him into a hug, cringing at the contact with his soggy hoodie, but knowing that there were far more important things to be worried about. 

You rubbed your hands up and down his shoulder blades that now heaved with sobs. His entire body shook with the fervor of his tears, and you just held him, gently shushing him and promising that everything will be okay. 

“I don’t know how she could do this to me,” he said, gasping out the words between haggard breaths. “The championship—I can’t do it without her.”

“I know,” you assured him. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“No it’s not, YN, it’s not gonna be okay. I love her. And she just threw away so many years.”

“I know.” You just kept assuring him, tightening your grip on him as his sobs became more intense. “Just breathe.”

“Why would she do this to me?” he asked. “I don’t understand. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

You knew. And deep down, Oscar did too. That was a conversation for another day. But he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t seen this coming. 

You didn’t have it in you to lie to him. You had always been the type to pride yourself on being honest, even when the truth hurt, but you couldn’t bear to do it now. You changed the subject.

“Oscar, you’re soaking wet. I’ll find you something else and warm that up in the dryer, yeah? Just sit down, take a deep breath, and let me get this figured out.”

He sat down on your couch and took off his hoodie and t-shirt underneath, revealing his toned body. It wasn’t anything you hadn’t seen before—you’d been friends with him since you were seven, growing up together. He almost felt like a brother to you, sometimes.

Maybe it wouldn’t be weird at all, except for the fact that you’d been in love with him for over a decade now. 

But right now that didn’t matter. He had plenty of old hoodies over in your apartment, which you carefully folded every time he forgot them. Placing his wet clothes in the dryer and setting the temp on high, you reached to the shelf above you and grabbed a random one. You unfolded it—an Alpine hoodie from back in the day, before his time at McLaren. You smiled at the memories that flashed in your mind, before quickly returning to Oscar with the garment. 

He had moved from your couch to your bedroom, holding a pillow on his lap, hunched over where the top of it met his chin. He was staring off into space, not breaking his gaze at the plain white wall.

You sat next to him, handing him the hoodie, and he mumbled a small thanks as he grabbed it. He didn’t put it on, instead just holding it with the pillow, as if filling his arms with the plush material would fill the hole now left in his heart.

“Oscar, I… don’t have anything profound to say. I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t respond at first, instead just silently letting the tears well up in his eyes. 

“I guess I should have seen this coming,” he said quietly. 

You paused, unsure whether or not you should agree with him. But you were nothing if not honest.

“Yeah,” you said, “it’s been a rough few months.”

“I guess we just both fell out of love.”

“I mean… how did the conversation go?”

It would be stupidly easy for Oscar to lie and say he didn’t remember Lily’s every word. But he knew better, and so did you. As he explained, the memory replayed in his head.

“I can’t do this anymore, Oscar,” Lily said, a simple yet devastating statement.

“What do you mean? What’s wrong?” His confusion was genuine, much to the chagrin of his angry girlfriend.

“The fact that you even have to ask that proves my point.”

“Lily, talk to me. I don’t know what you’re trying to say.” Oscar stood up, now understanding the full gravity of the situation he found himself in. 

“I’m trying to say that I’m not happy anymore, and neither are you. I wanted to at least give it until the end of the season, but I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay when we both know bloody well that it’s not! Don’t you want something better than this, Oscar?” Lily pleaded. 

“I just want you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“Don’t lie to me. You say that but you put everything else before me. I’m not a priority to you. I haven’t been in a long time.”

“I’ll quit F1. We can go back to the UK and live a normal life.”

“No. We both know that you wouldn’t do that.” Her tone was incredulous, twinged with a slight anger at the mere suggestion. 

“Yes, I would. I’d do anything. Don’t do this, Lily. Not now, not when I need you the most.”

Lily grabbed his hand, leading him to sit down on the couch next to her. “Oscar,” she began, “we had a good run. You made me so, so happy for so long.” She reached up to gently cup his cheeks and wipe away where tears were now forming at the edge of his eyes. “I saw you achieve things that neither of us ever thought were possible. But…I can’t stay any longer. Not when there’s no place for me in your heart anymore.”

You sighed. You knew every word that Lily had said was right. But you also knew you couldn’t get that through to Oscar, at least not until the shock wore off.

The words remained unspoken. You had been there for all of it. Lily was his first love, his only girlfriend, and everyone assumed that he’d marry her one day; you included. 

“I just…I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on acting like my life didn’t just fall apart. How did you do it?”

This was Oscar's first breakup, but you had been through too many, it seemed, since he was asking you for advice on how to handle them.

The truth? It was very easy to get over a breakup when every partner you’ve ever had was a feeble attempt at denial. When they all inevitably failed, you just went back to bask in Oscar’s platonic love. It was enough. 

“I won’t lie to you, the first one is always hell. You feel like you’re going crazy for a while. You lose hope that you’ll ever feel happier, because everything reminds you of them. And then one day it just…doesn’t. The only thing that heals it is time and finding love around you, you know, friends and family.”

“No offense, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.”

‘Well, I’m not going to lie to you and say it’ll be easy, because it won't. But it will be okay—not today, but someday. You’ve got something to focus on with the championship. And I’ll be here.” You gave him an empathetic smile. 

Maybe you weren’t the most comforting friend to most. But you and Oscar had a bond that was very different to most friendships. You understood each other’s idiosyncrasies in ways no one else could. So when shit hit the fan, it was always each other that you went to.

You continued, “You can stay here as long as you like.”

“Thank you.”

There was only one problem: your apartment only had one bed. And to the dismay of fanfiction writers across the world, you all would not be sharing it. 

You distracted Oscar by cooking a meal and watching a comfort movie—Cars, a classic. You could tell he was exhausted by the way his head on your shoulder sloped just a little too heavily downwards as the credits rolled. 

“Okay, let’s get you to bed,” you said, gently pushing him awake. He sleepily stumbled back into your bedroom and collapsed on the bed, almost instantly falling back asleep.

You took the couch, but despite the money you spent splurging on the extra cushioned sofa, no sleep came to you. 

It wasn’t any physical discomfort that fueled your insomnia, but rather, the events of the previous evening. Lily had actually left Oscar. She had finally pulled the plug.

Yes, in some ways, it was expected. But at the same time, you couldn’t imagine a version of your best friend that wasn’t madly in love with his girlfriend. 

From the outside, though, you couldn’t blame Lily one bit. You wondered what had been the last straw. 

You could think of three possible moments. First: The Apartment. 

“I’m moving to Monaco,” Oscar began, and you felt your heart drop in your stomach. Of course, one day he’d make it to Monaco. That was the dream of every Formula 1 driver, right? The beauty of the French Riviera and tax evasion. And you’d be left at your aging flat in the UK, waiting for those precious few days a year where he was free to grace you with his presence. 

“That’s amazing!” you said, only half believing it to be true. 

“In a few weeks I’m gonna go look at condos. Come with me? Lily can’t get off work.”

“Of course,” you replied. You’d already been to Monaco before for Oscar’s races, but you wouldn’t turn down any reason to get out of the constant dreary rain of the UK. 

You felt like a celebrity as you coasted through the Monte Carlo streets in the passenger side of Oscar’s McLaren, on your way to tour fabulous properties for your best friend (the actual celebrity). You breathed in the saltwater breeze, fresh and tinged with the air of wealth and splendor.

But it hurt your heart to know that you were helping your best friend leave. You imagined him getting up and doing his morning runs along the harbor, the sun blazing down the strained muscles on his back. Then you laughed to yourself at the thought of Oscar, the pastiest Aussie you knew, getting sunburnt. 

At the first property you met the realtor, who (after mistaking you for Lily; not the first time, and certainly wouldn’t be the last) took the pair of you to different condos throughout the day. 

Oscar decided on the final one you saw; two bedrooms, plenty of natural light, and a great view. Elegant, refined and practical—just like Oscar himself. 

The realtor handed him the paperwork and left as you stood on the balcony, looking at the beauty of the city before you. You were quiet, unusually so, and Oscar noticed. 

He sat the paperwork on the kitchen counter and walked onto the balcony next to you. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” you said, your voice lowered. “You’re gonna make such beautiful memories here.”

“Are you getting sentimental on me now?”

You smiled and laughed. “A little,” you admitted, “I can’t help it. I’ll miss you all.” 

“You could always come with us. You seem to like it here,” he teased, tilting his head toward the edge of the balcony.

“You’d have to give me a raise if I was gonna afford Monaco rent prices.” You’d been running Oscar’s merch store and social media for the past few years, making a great wage, but nowhere near the immense wealth you’d need to call a place like this home. You joked with him, knowing Oscar actually had nothing to do with how much you got paid. 

“I would if I could. But, I mean, if you had a place to stay it wouldn’t really be that bad.”

“Are you suggesting I move into your guest room?”

Now he laughed. “No, but I’m just saying, if you had an apartment, you could make it work.”

You raised an eyebrow, confused, but trying to go along with the joke. “Well, sure, but apartments don’t just appear out of thin air.”

“You never know.” Oscar scratched the back of his neck and looked away, a sign of the awkwardness that now blanketed your moment on the balcony. 

“What are you getting at?”

“Well, theoretically, if someone were to have a spare apartment that they weren’t using, you could live there and Monaco would be a reasonable place to live, no?”

You didn’t answer his question, instead just giving him another confused glance until he gave up whatever he was trying to say. He still couldn’t meet your gaze. 

“Look—I don’t want to live so far away from my friend. Is that such a bad thing?”

“Oscar, you…”

“I got you an apartment.”

“You… bought me an apartment. In Monaco.” It came out more like a statement than a question, evidence of your shock. He reached into his pocket and dug out a key, holding it out to you.

You just looked at him with an incredulous expression. “Oscar, I can’t accept that.”

“Why not?”

“How much was it?” 

“I have more than enough money.”

“Answer the question.”

He pursed his lips and shrugged. “About 4 million?” 

Your eyes widened in shock. “Before you say anything,” he began, “I made over 30 million last year. I have more money than I’d ever know what to do with, so why not just spend it all on the people I love?” 

“Oscar… I can’t, that’s too much.”

“Will you at least go look at it with me? Actually, I’m driving, so you don’t have a choice,” he joked, walking back into the apartment. “Let’s go.”

You sighed, smiling to yourself. There was no way you could let Oscar buy you a 4 million dollar apartment, but also, how could you not? The wind whipped through your hair as you rolled down the window of his McLaren, drinking in the beauty of the city around you. 

The apartment was smaller than the one he had picked for himself and Lily, but you didn’t mind one bit. It was perfectly cosy, and God, the view was spectacular. You could see the whole city from his apartment, but here, you could see the water. You stepped on the balcony and took a deep breath, taking in the sound of the ocean waves beneath you. 

Oscar followed you. “It’s a bit small, but I figured you’d like the view.”

“Oscar…”

“If you really don’t want it, I can rent it out. But I’d much rather have you close.” He held out the keys again. “What do you say?”

You could have told him you needed more time to think about it, but deep down, you already knew what you wanted. You took the keys. “Thank you. Thank you so much, Oscar. Seriously.”

“No need to thank me.” He smiled.

Back in the UK, he showed Lily the photos he had taken of the condo he had chosen for them as they went over the paperwork one last time.

He grabbed the pen to scratch out one of the boxes Lily had checked, hoping she wouldn’t notice. 

“Oh, did I mess something up?” Shit. She leaned over his shoulder, reading the paperwork aloud. “Please indicate if you own any additional properties in the principality of Monaco.” She looked at Oscar. “You already have a property there?” 

“Oh, erm, yeah,” he said, hoping the conversation would end there. 

“How come I never heard about this?” 

“Um, I just got it a bit ago.”

Lily could sense her boyfriend’s hesitancy. “Is this something I wasn’t supposed to know about?”

“Oh, no,” he said, “it’s not like that. I just didn’t think to mention it.”

“So, what is this property?”

“An apartment.” 

Lily hated feeling like she was having to interrogate Oscar, but clearly there was some piece of the puzzle missing that was causing his reluctance. 

“An apartment?” she questioned. “You got another apartment?”

“Yeah, I, um,” he looked at the ceiling while scratching his neck, a clear sign of his nervousness, “I was planning on giving it to YN.”

“You bought YN an apartment in Monaco? When were you planning on telling me about this?” 

His walls of defense had finally broken down. “It’s not a big deal. I made more than enough last season, I could afford it.  And it’s just easier to have her there for the brand shoots and media stuff. Plus, I mean, she came to London to support me after graduation, even though I know she hates it here. I just figured I should repay the favor.”

“...Okay,” Lily began, her voice tinged with skepticism. “So, you do realize what this looks like, right?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, my boyfriend bought an apartment for his “best friend” and tried to hide it from me. That’s the kind of thing cheating husbands do in movies, buy an apartment for their mistress for her to keep it quiet.”

Oscar wasn’t sure what annoyed him more, the air quotes Lily placed around “best friend” or the insinuation that he had been unfaithful. 

“Lily, seriously? I’m not cheating on you, I love you and you know that.”

“When were you going to tell me about this?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. You know YN and I have been friends forever, it’s not like I did this for some random woman. I don’t appreciate being accused of lying.”

“But you were lying by omission.”

“Lily—”

“You know, nothing against her, but one of the reasons I was looking forward to this move was having more…us time. Without YN.” 

The statement brought a bitter taste to his mouth. Despite what she had said, it seemed like Lily did have something against you.

“You know, this kind of thing is why I was putting off telling you about it.”

“What are you saying?” she asked. Oscar knew he was tempting fire, but he didn’t care.

He continued, “You’re freaking out because I did something kind for a friend. I’m allowed to do whatever I want with my money.”

“I never said you weren’t, and I’m not freaking out. But I guess I’m just such a horrible person for saying I want to spend more time with my boyfriend.”

“If you’re putting down my “best friend” to do it,” he said, mocking her air quotes, “then yeah, that’s not cool.” 

“Oscar, you’re being so…weird about all of this. I’m not insulting YN. I just want to spend more time with you.”

“We’re literally going on vacation in February!”

“With friends. You invited your friends to our romantic getaway, Oscar.”

“You know I only have so much time off during the off season, and I’m spending most of it with realtors and accountants and eight thousand other people preparing us for this move. God forbid I want to invite my friends to Italy with us. Not everything can be just us, Lily.”

“Okay,” she sighed. “I’m done with this conversation.”

The second next instance you could think of happened on the trip.

It was a beautiful getaway to the Amalfi Coast, your dream destination that you’d somehow never made it to.

The group of Oscar’s friends, including you and Lando, had plans to come and go, with everyone being gone before the fourteenth so that Oscar and Lily could have their Valentine's Day date. Of course, you knew nothing of the arguments they’d had in the past about this, but you had common sense enough to not be a third wheel. Oscar thought this was a good enough compromise. 

Well, he thought. 

From the moment he picked you up from the airport, you could tell that the energy was different than usual. He blamed it on jet lag, but you knew better. You knew your best friend too well.

It didn’t take you long to figure out the problem was between him and Lily. She was colder towards him; not enough for anyone but you and him to notice, but still there and undeniable. 

Even weirder was Lily’s…preoccupation, it seemed, with pointing out single and attractive men to you. It wasn’t a hushed reality that you were single, and had been for some time. You'd given up on dating a long time ago—you knew that you had already found the love of your life, and he just happened to be Lily’s boyfriend.

But, of course, you’d never tell anyone this. Lots of people were confused because you seemed so fine being single. But you thought that Lily, one of your best friends (at least, by association), would know that you weren’t really interested in meeting anyone. 

You sat with Lily in a restaurant overlooking the coast, the balcony having been rented out by Oscar for one of your last dinners. You all were waiting for him and Lando to join you, passing the time by ordering wine and appetizers.

“He’s cute, isn’t he?” Lily said, gesturing her head to your waiter that was walking back into the main restaurant. 

You didn’t really know what to say. You glanced at him through the glass wall. “Lily, he most definitely plays for the other team, if you know what I mean,” you joked, reaching for a slice of bread on the table. “I didn’t know that was your type.”

“Well I don’t mean for me, I meant for you.”

You chuckled. “For me?”

“Well, yeah. Don’t you want to get yourself a hot Italian man?”

“I’m perfectly happy being single.” You tried to diffuse the awkward conversation, keeping a kind tone in your voice as you ate the bread and looked into the distance at the coastline.

“Oh, come on. We’ll get you someone, don’t worry.”

“I really am fine being single.”

“You know who else is single?” she asked, clearly ignoring your protests. “Lando!”

You laughed aloud. “Oh God, no. If I wanted to be cheated on, I would have stayed with my ex. Besides, Oscar would kill him.”

A curious fact: Oscar had never approved of a single person you had ever introduced him to. You had to spend hours talking him out of running over your ex with his F1 car after you found out about his infidelity. 

“Oh, who cares what Oscar thinks? I think you should go for it,” she said, watching as the waiter returned to pour your glasses of wine. 

“Lily,” you said, holding your glass, ready to take a sip, “I don’t want to be in a relationship, like, at all. It’s just…not for me.” You sipped the wine, but through the reflection on the glass, you could see that Lily had pursed her lips in an expression you couldn’t quite read.

“If you want me to stop third-wheeling you and Oscar, you can just say so,” you joked as the boys made their way to the balcony to join you. 

You didn’t know it, but your joke cut deep in Lily’s heart. 

Nothing was said about it during the dinner, but Lily’s strange energy continued. It quickly became uncomfortable how much she was pushing Lando and you to interact. 

And when you all made your way to a local nightclub after the dinner, it didn’t get any better. Lando quickly got himself lost in the crowd, and you were once again left to be the third wheel. 

You could tell that Lily was getting annoyed, but to be fair, she was also annoying you. 

“Go dance with Lando!” she shouted over the thumping bass. She gestured to the opposite corner of the small club, where Lando was currently making out with some random Italian woman. 

You pointed this fact out to Lily, who just grimaced. 

“Do you just want me to go away?” you joked.

“Yes!” she said, and you were taken aback, because she was definitely not joking. 

Oscar was at the bar getting drinks, far enough away that he couldn’t hear. To be honest, you didn’t even want to be in this club anymore. 

So you snuck out and began your walk home without telling any of them.

As you walked along the cobblestone streets, Oscar handed Lily a drink, pausing when he noticed that you weren’t there to receive yours. “Where’s YN?” he asked.

“She wasn’t feeling well, so she headed back,” Lily said. 

“By herself? Should we go check on her?”

Lily wanted to roll her eyes. “No, she’s just tired. C’mon, let’s go dance!”

Oscar obeyed, but couldn’t ignore the feeling inside him that something about this whole night had been odd. 

The next time he saw Lando, he decided to say something about it. 

“Hey mate, are you going back soon?” he asked. Lando nodded, clearly tipsy. “Can you check on YN? Lily said she wasn’t feeling well.”

“Sure,” he said, annoyed at the mention of you again.

He did come back to the house soon, but with an equally drunk and giggly woman on his arm, the same girl he had been making out with in the corner of the club. 

You didn’t expect any of them for a long time, so you sat in the living room of the AirBNB, watching the waves cascade into the shore, romanticizing this complicated feeling that coiled itself inside of you. 

That was, until Lando stumbled in. 

His eyes got wide as dinner plates upon seeing you. The girl on his arm giggled and walked off into the nearest bathroom. 

“Hey YN,” he slurred. “Are you dying?”

You laughed. “I’m fine.”

“Lily said you were sick.” 

“Nope, I’m good.” 

He looked to the closed door of the bathroom. “Sorry about that,” he said.

“You’re fine. I’m…uh, not interested, anyway. I don’t know what Lily’s been on about today.”

“Oh, thank God,” he exhaled. You laughed, despite the sting of rejection in his relief. “Well, I’ll keep it quiet.”

“I’ve got headphones.”

You made your way to your room and put on your noise cancelling headphones, passing the time by scrolling and catching up on work emails, before falling asleep.

You didn’t sleep through the night, instead waking up in the early hours of the morning, when the sun was just beginning to round itself along the golden coast. You left your room to get a glass of water, not expecting to see the rest of your friends in the kitchen.

Lily looked hungover as hell, leaning her elbow on the counter, her hand resting uncomfortably on her forehead. Oscar was leaning against the counter on the other side while Lando sat at the bar next to Lily, drinking something out of a mug. His flight home was going to leave soon. 

You nodded to your three companions as you sipped your water glass, feeling the tension around you like an oncoming migraine. 

“You feeling okay?” Oscar asked. “Lily said you weren’t doing well last night.”

“Ah, just tired,” you answered. Lily had lied to both Lando and Oscar. That was a conversation for another day. 

“Well rested now?” Lily asked, her voice tinged with anger and fake sympathy.

“I’m fine,” was all you could answer. You glanced at Oscar, who gave you a knowing look. You had no idea what had gotten into her.

“Are you feeling okay, Lily? You look like you’re about to throw up,” you said, a more genuine concern in your voice.

“I’m fine too,” she said, clearly not fine.

Lando’s Uber pulled up, and you took the opportunity to help him transfer all his bags in one trip.

“Do you have any idea what’s going on with her?” he asked as you heaved the suitcase up into the trunk.

“No idea,” you answered. “Before you all got to the restaurant last night she was being…weird. For the record, I didn’t put her up to any of that.”

“I figured as much. You’re not the type.” Lando was right—it was common knowledge that you were happily single. 

“I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable. For the record, it made me uncomfortable too.”

He exhaled. “Eh, we’re cool. No hard feelings, yeah? I’m sure she’ll snap out of it.” 

“I hope so,” you said, giving him a wave as the car disappeared into the winding roads of the coast.

Back in the house, you could hear Oscar and Lily whispering to each other. You wanted nothing more than to disappear and act like this weird night and morning had never happened, but unfortunately, you had to cross through the kitchen back to your room. 

A hush went through the room when you entered. You walked as quickly as possible through the kitchen, but were stopped by a voice.

“YN,” Lily called. “I think you should leave.”

“Lily—” Oscar interjected.

“I was just going back to my room anyway,” you explained.

“That’s not what I meant. I think you should go home.”

“Lily, don’t do this—” Oscar pleaded. You just stood in shock.

“Actually, let me clarify,” she continued. “YN, I don’t want you here. Go home.”

“Lily!” Oscar interjected. “Don’t say that.”

“No, it’s fine,” you said, even though it was definitely not fine. “Let me pack and I’ll be on my way.”

You turned and continued back to your room, fully prepared to do as you had just said. But Oscar followed you.

“YN, wait. Stay,” he said. 

“Oscar, it’s fine.”

“I am so sorry that Lily said that, but I want you here.”

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you two or why she’s so upset at me, but if someone tells me to go, I’m not going to overstay my welcome.”

“Still, that was so rude.”

“I’ve got thick skin. I won’t cry myself to sleep over it.” You looked out the window to the coast. “Look, I’ll just find someplace else to stay. A hotel for a few nights is cheaper than trying to reschedule my flight, anyways.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t worry about me, Osc,” you said, patting his shoulder. “Go talk to her, figure out what’s wrong.” 

He sighed, scratching the back of his neck. “I already know what’s wrong. She’s mad that we don’t spend enough time together.”

“Then go spend time with her.”

“That was the plan! But, I mean, I’m pissed that she said that to you. And she spent all day yesterday trying to set you and Lando up, which was fucking weird.”

“Yeah,” you exhaled with a twinge of laughter. “Look, with my record I can’t exactly give you love advice, but I don’t mind leaving. You all clearly need some space, anyway. Just text me if you need anything, okay?”

Oscar gave you a flat smile and nod. 

You packed and quickly booked a private room at a local hostel for the next few days, planning to enjoy the last few days as a solo trip. You truly didn’t care, but in the back of your mind, you hoped that everything would be okay. You never received that text from Oscar. 

Back at the house, Oscar and Lily were alone. And neither of them were happy.

“Just fucking go with her if you’re that mad,” Lily said, egging Oscar on. He had always been slow to anger, but he couldn’t deny that he was pissed.

“What is wrong with you?” he questioned. “Why would you say that to her? Do you understand how rude that is? And not to mention the fact that you were being fucking weird with her and Lando all night.”

“Oscar, I’m not having this conversation right now.”

“No, I’m pissed!”

“And, as usual, it’s all about your feelings, hm?”

“What are you talking about?” 

“Don’t act stupid. Do you know how much I’ve put up with because I don’t want to hurt your feelings? Every vacation, every race weekend, she’s always there. And I put up with her because she’s your friend, but I don’t like her, Oscar.” 

“What did she do to you?” he asked. But Lily couldn’t answer. It wasn’t like there had been a specific incident or falling out; in fact, you had always been kind to her. Lily’s silence was all the answer that Oscar needed. 

“You knew that YN and I were a package deal from the beginning.” 

Tears came to Lily’s eyes. “But this was supposed to be our trip. Just us.” 

“Lily, they were only here for a few days. I specifically set it up so that we’d have 2 weeks to ourselves after they left. Is that not enough?” 

She was silent, at first. Then came a question out of left field. 

“Were you going to propose?” she asked.

Oscar made a face. “Propose?”

“I thought the point of the trip was that you were going to propose.” She looked away, trying to hide her tears. “I’m tired of feeling like an outsider in my own relationship. I’m sick of YN third wheeling, so I thought if I set her up with Lando, maybe she’d leave us alone for a while.” Her voice was tinged with an angry mocking. 

She continued, softer, “Oscar, I want to be your wife, I want to grow old with you—”

But Oscar had little sympathy for her. “That’s really what all this was about? Lily, I’m not proposing any time soon.”

“We’ve been together for nearly five years.”

“I know. But with the season starting soon—”

“There’ll always be another season, another race. Is your plan to just marry me when you retire?” The sarcasm had returned to her voice. “Do you even want to marry me?”

“Of course I do. But we’re young, we have time. I’m in no rush.” 

“I feel like you don’t care about what I want at all.”

“Lily, I’m trying. But I feel like you want me to cut off my best friend and settle down at 22. You’re asking things of me that I can’t give you.”

“Then why are we even doing this?” Lily asked.

“Because I love you, and I want this to work! But Lily, you can’t treat my friends like that. If you’re angry at me, talk to me, but don’t take it out on them. YN is an important part of my life, too.”

“I’m well aware.”

Oscar sighed. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I’m going back to bed,” Lily announced, leaving the conversation altogether. 

When she woke up, her head was pounding. Oscar was asleep beside her, his back towards her, no warmth even in his unconscious state. She had slept through the entire day—the moon hung high in the sky. 

As she quietly made her way to the kitchen and got some water and a snack, the memory of what had happened came back, rushing over her. She felt horrible. 

The sleep and food had reset her mind. Make no mistake, she was still upset at Oscar, but what he had said was right—she shouldn’t have taken it out on you. She needed to make it right. 

She texted you. Hey YN, are you awake? I’d like to talk. In person, if you can. 

Only a few minutes later you responded, affirming that you were available and sending the address of your hostel. Lily got there quickly, quietly walking through the rooms to your private room in the back. When you shut the door behind you and you both sat on the bed, she broke down. 

“YN,” Lily began, “I am so sorry about this morning. Truthfully, I was upset at Oscar and I took it out on you, and I shouldn't have. I was so rude.”

“It’s okay,” you assured.

“No, it’s not,” Lily interjected. But she seemed at a loss for words. “I just… sometimes, I feel like I hardly get any alone time with Oscar anymore.”

“Because I’m always there?” you joked, not knowing how close to the truth you really were. Lily didn’t respond. “Look, if you want me to take a step back, I can do that.”

Her response was quiet. “Would that be too much to ask?”

“No.” But it was, in a way. You felt your heart shatter into a million pieces, but your expression gave away nothing. “I understand.”

“I don’t think he loves me anymore,” Lily confessed. You normally didn’t want to know the details of their relationship, because the truth was too heavy to bear. But it seemed cruel to cut her off. “I feel like he never wants to be around me, like he prefers his work and his friends over me. I want to get married and he doesn’t. He keeps saying it's too soon and he’s busy, but it’s been nearly five years! I mean, how long does he want me to wait?”

You felt uncomfortable, not sure how to comfort your best friend's girlfriend. So you were honest. “I don’t know, Lily. I don’t know what goes on in Oscar’s head any more than you do.”

“Yes you do,” she replied. “You’ve known him longer.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I think he’s in love with you.”

“No, no, no,” you said, wrapping Lily in an embrace as she cried. “No, he’s not. He loves you so much.”

“No,” she echoed. “He doesn’t.”

You didn’t know how to respond. You just held her. 

At one point, your phone buzzed, illuminating the screen. Some unimportant notification, but you noticed the date and time more than that. It was past midnight; Valentine’s Day. 

The third instance was during the first weekend of the 2025 season; the Australian Grand Prix.  

You hadn’t heard from Oscar since the trip. You didn’t really know what to say, and part of you was dreading having to speak to him, knowing that your mere presence was now a strain on his relationship.

Of course Lily wanted more time with him. It made sense. You were present at…most things, actually. But Oscar always invited you, and besides, they lived together. If you had known that you had overstayed your welcome, you never would have gone in the first place.

But on the other hand, you and Oscar had been a part of each other’s lives for nearly double the time that Lily had been around. It wasn’t a competition, but you couldn’t shake that sour feeling that rested in your stomach, that if given the chance, Lily would want you gone for good. 

Regardless, between the trip and the grand prix, life went on as normal. It was odd, since your job was literally running all the official OP81 media pages and merch website. You couldn’t not be a part of his life—you made your living by posting memes about him on the internet and organizing all his merch sales.

So, naturally, you went to nearly all the races to take photos of fans, the paddock, and the garage. It was one of your favorite parts of the job. 

But Australia was different. It was Oscar’s home race, and a place full of memories for you. 

Your family had moved to Australia when you were only seven, having absolutely no friends, except the sweet boy next door in your cul de sac. At first he was cold. You thought he hated you. But you were nothing if not stubborn. 

You remembered it like it was yesterday; for Christmas, you asked for a pink motorized jeep, just like the black one that Oscar—the neighbour boy, back then—had. You squealed for joy when you got it. And the very first thing you did was challenge him to a race.

He ignored you. So you rammed your car into his, causing both of them to break. Ever since, somehow, you’d been inseparable. 

Your parents traveled a lot for work, so instead of constantly going with them, you found yourself staying with the Piastri family for months at a time. Nicole truly felt like your second mom, and Hattie was the sister you never had. And Oscar was…Oscar. It was impossible to describe the bond between you. 

Your parents were never too keen on Oscar, though. They kept it quiet when you were little, but as you grew, their dislike became more outward.

He was 14, leaving for boarding school in the UK. When he told you, you cried. That’s the only time he ever saw you cry.

You wanted to go with him, but your parents couldn’t afford it. He promised he wouldn’t let your friendship die, and he was true to his word. When he got into the higher formulas in racing, he helped you get your job so that you all would never be that far from each other again. 

But your parents always said he was using you, stringing you along, exploiting your labor. Though you’d never admitted it to another soul, they knew you well enough to understand that you loved him. 

You cut your parents off a long time ago. 

Sometimes the fans were worse. Half of them loved you—the half that understood that you could give them access to your idol—but the other half of them called you a beneficiary of nepotism, a gold digger, or a homewrecker. You learned at a young age to develop thick skin. 

And it was how you both behaved on race weekends that really exemplified the difference between you and Lily. 

You liked to be everywhere at once—in the garage trying to interpret the engineers’ technical jargon, in the grandstands taking photos of fans, in the pitlane shooting the shit with the race stewards. You always wore Oscar’s merch, and you wanted to be in the middle of all the action.

Lily, in contrast, was more reserved. She always looked put together, and frankly stunning, at all her appearances. She preferred to watch the race from the comfort and privacy of McLaren hospitality, and when she did interact with fans, she was respectful but short, very conscious of her space.

Neither of you were better or worse than the other. But no one could deny that you were polar opposites. 

You got to Australia before Oscar himself did, having been invited to spend a few days with your surrogate family before you’d have to stay in the hotel, per F1 employee policy. Nicole had told Oscar, who you assumed had told Lily, and when you didn’t hear anything for a few days before you were meant to fly out, you thought everything was fine.

Of course, you thought wrong. 

You spent 3 days with Oscar’s family, relishing the warm feeling of belonging that you’d missed. The Piastri guest room felt more like your own childhood bedroom. Of course, Nicole asked how you’d been, but you were politely distant, wanting to respect the fact that Oscar and Lily’s relationship was none of your business. 

When the pair finally landed in Australia and made their way to Oscar’s childhood home for the night, though, things worsened. 

When Nicole got back from picking them up from the airport, you were in the kitchen prepping dinner. Hearing the front door close, you looked up and smiled, greeting the group.

“YN! What are you doing here?” Lily asked, her voice tentative. 

Nicole answered for you. “Oh, she’s been here since Sunday. I’m so happy to have all my kids under the same roof again,” she joked, turning to Oscar to reach up and pinch his cheeks.

Lily just gave a pained smile. 

You didn’t know what to do. You hadn’t talked to Oscar in nearly a month. You wanted to honor her wishes—but it seemed like her wish was for you to vanish into thin air. 

The rest of the night you were unusually quiet, trying to blend into the background. It wasn’t difficult for Nicole to notice that something was up, but she knew better than to bring it up in front of the whole table. 

After dinner she wanted everyone to gather in the living room and watch a movie, which you quickly bowed out of, complaining of exhaustion. 

As the credits rolled, Nicole leaned over to whisper to Oscar, “Is everything okay with YN?” 

Lily overheard and interjected, “She’s fine.” Nicole raised an eyebrow. 

Oscar responded, “The home grand prix is always busy for her.”

The answer wasn’t sufficient enough to crush Nicole’s suspicions, but she didn’t have any more time to pry as her son and his girlfriend quickly decided to retire for the night themselves. 

The next morning, as everyone was packing to get to the hotel, Nicole decided to ask you herself if everything was okay. But predictably, again, you just said that you were fine. And the morning was so hectic that she didn’t really have the time to interrogate you.

Once you all got settled and to the track for media day, work mode took over, and you forgot all about the tension at the Piastri family home. Though you quite literally were paid to follow Oscar around all day, you felt more like the paparazzi than his friend, hardly ever speaking to him.

And as you went back to the hotel room alone to edit and post for tonight, you felt like a stranger in your own body. 

You didn’t want to do this anymore. You missed your friend, but more importantly, you missed being yourself.

But what were you supposed to do? You loved Oscar. Oscar loved Lily. Lily hated you. 

You were stuck between three impossible choices: stick around and be forced to subdue yourself into a shell of your true personality until Lily decided she wasn’t upset at you anymore, lose everything you’d ever built by quitting and moving away like you knew she wanted, or continue being yourself and possibly cost Oscar the love of his life. 

Yeah, this was a wonderful predicament you found yourself in, through no fault of your own.

You moved like a zombie through the free practices and qualifying. When it was finally time for the grand prix, you assumed your usual place in the McLaren garage, for work if nothing else.

But then, Oscar won. 

No team rules. No convoluted strategies. Just Oscar doing what he did best.

You couldn’t hear your own thoughts over the shout of the garage and the crowd in the distance, cheering out for their hometown hero. You ran out with everyone to the barricades to greet your best friend.

Though he still had his helmet on, you could see the effects of his smile in his squinted eyes. He pumped his fist in the air, cheering to himself before running to the barricades to jump into the waiting arms of the crowd. You cheered with them, overwhelmed with pride. 

Oscar locked eyes with you, cupping your face with his gloved hands and pressing the top of his helmet to your forehead. “I did it, YN!”

“You did!” you yelled, smiling ear to ear. 

Of course, people took photos. Photos that Oscar posted later that night. 

Lily didn’t like it—the sweet intimacy of the moment, front and center on Oscar’s Instagram page. Why would you post that? It was like you were taunting her. 

Lily sat on the edge of the hotel bed while Oscar showered, both of them preparing to meet you, Lando, and a few McLaren team members to celebrate his win. 

When Oscar emerged from the bathroom, Lily asked him, “Osc, can you do me a favor?”

“Hm?” he murmured as he dried his hair. 

“Can you take down that picture that YN posted?”

“YN posted something?” he questioned, grabbing his phone. As his social media manager, you had access to all his accounts, but occasionally he’d post something himself, too. “I don’t see what you’re talking about.”

Lily pursed her lips. “The first picture from the post she made an hour ago.” 

“Oh, this?” Oscar held up his phone. “I posted that.” 

Lily was silent. 

“Why do you want me to delete it? It’s a good photo.” 

Lily just looked at him. Oscar sighed and archived the photo. “There, happy?”

His tone was much harsher than he intended, but to be honest, he was getting tired of the constant fighting, and his patience was wearing thin. 

Lily kept quiet, just silently going into the bathroom to start doing her makeup.

In the lobby of the hotel an hour or so later, you awkwardly stood with Lando waiting for the couple to arrive. Once again you were torn—should you miss out on celebrating with your best friend on his first ever home win, or should you go and strain his relationship further? 

You were just going to say screw it and go back up to your room when you saw Lily and Oscar walking towards you. Though there was no tension between them, there was no love either. They both just looked…tired. 

Everyone had decided to keep it relaxed for tonight, just doing a nice group dinner with Oscar’s family. It was fine, albeit a tad awkward, because you were sitting between Lando and some McLaren employees you didn’t know, at the opposite end of the table from Lily, Oscar, and his family. 

You knew this couldn’t continue forever. Something had to break. And it did, when you and Lando ended up back in Oscar and Lily’s room, drinking your way through a bottle of nice champagne. 

The alcohol seemed to have calmed Lando’s nerves, as he was actually normal with you. And Oscar was a blushy, smiling mess and he and his teammate laughed at something you couldn’t remember. 

You opened your mouth to say something, but the mood was ruined by Lily’s drunken slurring. “Oh my God, YN, just shut up! Go away!” she giggled and grabbed Oscar’s arm. 

Usually, you were calm, letting any infraction roll off of you like waves on the beach. But the alcohol emboldened you. 

“Lily, what the fuck is your problem with me?” you asked.

The mood shifted, and Lily gave you a look of disgust. “I was just joking, God.”

“No you weren’t.” 

Lando chimed in. “Well, I think I gotta call it a night.” He got up and patted Oscar on the back. The two men stood up to walk out, leaving just you and Lily alone in the hotel room. 

“I don’t know what the fuck your problem is with me, but don’t act like there isn’t one. It’s obvious that you don’t want me around, I don’t know what I ever did to you.”

Lily had clearly been sobered up by your seriousness. Still, she burst into tears. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I keep doing this.” 

You sighed, unable to keep your anger in the face of her cries. She continued, “I just… Oscar and I were each other’s first everything. First love, first kiss…first time. I love him so much.”

“I’m not trying to steal him from you.” 

Lily was quiet, and so were you. Something she had said gave you pause. 

They were each other’s first everything—no, that couldn’t be true. 

Because you were Oscar’s first. 

It had been many years—you were both 18—and you had never spoken about what happened. But you remembered. 

He came back home for Christmas from the UK. It was before he had even met Lily. 

You welcomed him home with an embrace—even with the frequent phone calls you had, you couldn’t help but miss your best friend, now here before you, in the flesh.

Neither of you could sleep that night, and somehow you both found yourself in Oscar’s childhood bedroom, quiet in the early hours of the morning.

Though it was warm outside, Nicole had a habit of keeping the house frigid, so you and Oscar huddled together under the handmade quilt that decorated his bed. The moment was tender and quiet, together in the soft darkness. 

“Do you like it in the UK?” you asked him, your question searching for a genuine answer. 

“It’s okay, I guess. It’s what I have to do for the races.”

“But do you ever get…lonely?”

He paused. “Yeah. Sometimes.”

You traced small circles on the skin of your leg. The closeness of the moment was uncomfortable. 

“But you have friends, right?”

“Yeah, but they’re not, y’know, friends for life.”

“I get you.” You really did, not having many friends of your own since Oscar left. “But you must have a ton of girls, though. They all want the cool race car driver.” You smiled, trying to use your humor to lighten the intimacy of the moment. 

“No,” was all he answered. “And if I had a girlfriend, you’d be the first to know, anyway.” In the dark of the room, you could only see the outline of his features, but you could feel the pull of his eyes looking at you. “What, do you have a boyfriend? Is that why you’re bringing this up?” he asked. 

“Of course I don’t.” 

“What do you mean, of course?”

“I mean, why would I have a boyfriend? I have no friends and half the people at school think you don’t even exist.”

“What?” he laughed.

“Well, yeah, when I say my best friend drives race cars in the UK, most people think I’m making you up.” 

“Shit,” he laughed. 

“So, yeah, it doesn’t exactly get me dates,” you laughed. You felt your throat stiffen. “I haven’t even had my first kiss or anything.”

The silence in the room was thick. “I haven’t either,” Oscar confessed. 

You found it hard to believe. Oscar was handsome, funny, everything a girl could want. Neither of you had ever been social butterflies, though. 

Under the blanket, Oscar reached for your hand, placing it in his. Your heart was beating out of your chest; you had never even held a boy’s hand. 

“We could just…do it now,” he said. “Just to get it over with.” He feigned his usual nonchalance, but you could feel the increase of his heartbeat and the ever so subtle tremble in his voice. 

It would be easy for you to laugh it off like a joke. But you knew it wasn’t. And you wanted him. 

“Okay,” you said, your voice breathy with nervousness. 

You sat up on the bed, and saw the dark outline of his figure leaning towards you, gently tilting your head. 

And when his lips met yours, it felt like home. Like everything in your entire life had left you up to this moment, here in the warmth of your best friend’s childhood bedroom.

The kiss lasted longer than you anticipated, but when he did pull away, it was too soon. You were grateful for the darkness that hid your expression. But even without the light, Oscar could see the truth behind your eyes.

“We could…keep going.”

“Okay,” you repeated. 

One of his hands found your waist now, pulling you closer, as his other hand pushed back your hair that had fallen in your face.

Once again his lips met yours. It wasn’t like a spark within you—more like a calming, a sense of peace and safety. Of all the boys you’d crushed on before, Oscar was different. You trusted him with everything. 

And you showed him so. 

He slipped his tongue past your teeth, tentative, as if he was scared to do the wrong thing. But you let him close the gap, your own tongue gliding along his, goosebumps going down your back the closer you got. 

He wanted to put his hands all over you, but he was nervous.

He pulled away. “I…don’t really know what I’m doing.”

“I don’t either. Is it actually your first time?”

“Yeah. You don’t mind me being your first?”

“I trust you.”

So you both took it slow, taking each other’s hands where you wanted to be touched, not focusing on anything but the other. 

The love you made was quiet and simple, beautiful yet imperfect. But you didn’t need perfect. You just needed him. 

The next morning, you slipped out of his room before anyone was awake, afraid of what would happen if they found out.

But no one ever did. Oscar never said a word about it ever again, and neither did you; after the holidays, he went back to school and met Lily, and the rest was history. 

But you remembered. And as you sat in that hotel room years later waiting for him, you felt numb. 

By the time he got back Lily had calmed down, but you couldn’t stand to be there anymore. You announced your departure, but Oscar decided to walk you out, too. 

You closed the door behind you, but Oscar pulled you to not leave so quickly. 

“Hey, is everything alright with you and Lily?”

“No. It’s not.” 

He sighed. “I don’t know why she’s being like this.”

You just stared at him, your face blank. 

“What,” he asked, “don’t tell me you’re mad too.”

“Was Lily your first?”

“Huh?”

“You heard me.” 

Oscar looked over his shoulder. “I’d really rather not talk about this in the hallway…”

“So do you want to go in the room and talk about it? In front of her? Because you lied to one of us. Which one was it?”

“YN, it’s—”

“Which one of us did you lie to, Oscar?”

He let out a sharp exhale, knowing there was no way to escape your line of questioning. He leaned down to whisper to you. “I didn’t lie to her. She just…assumed, and I never corrected her.”

“That’s still lying.”

“You really think I should go in there and tell her the truth?” His voice dripped with frustration.

“Yes. She deserves to know.”

“You know why I never told her? Because I knew this shit would happen, she’d get jealous and try to push you out of my life. If I tell her now, she’ll make me choose between the two of you.”

“Do you blame her?” you asked, astounded at how Oscar could be so clueless.

“Seriously?” he retorted. “You think she’s justified in doing all this to you? The entire reason she’s mad is because she knows if she tries to make me choose, I’m not choosing her.”

“Don’t say that! Oscar, she’s your girlfriend. You should love her.”

“I do. But things just…aren’t the same anymore. It’s like she wants me to change my whole life for her. I can’t do that.”

Unbeknownst to you, Lily got up from the bed and walked to the door, pressing her ear to it, where she could faintly hear you and Oscar arguing. 

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” Oscar continued. “And if you don’t want her to split us up, just let me handle it.”

“Oscar, she deserves better than this. I’ve missed spending time with you, but… you’ve got to tell her the truth.”

Lily opened the door. “I knew it,” she said, her eyes full of tears. “I knew you were cheating.”

Your eyes were wide as dinner plates as Oscar cursed to himself. “Lily, I swear to God that is not what happened—”

“Don’t. Don’t even try,” she said, but Oscar pushed his way back into the room anyway. He looked back to you, and even without words, you knew it was time to go. You needed some sleep.

Unfortunately, Oscar would not be getting any sleep tonight. 

“Oscar, just stop lying to me! I’m tired of this!’ Lily cried, curling her legs to her chest as she sat on the bed.

“Lily, I swear, I have never cheated on you. What YN and I were talking about was something from a long time ago.”

“We’ve been together for five years!”

“Can I just explain myself? Please?”

Lily just broke down in sobs. “Do whatever. I don’t care anymore.”

Oscar sighed. “Look, I…I have lied to you. You weren’t my first. YN was.” He looked at his girlfriend, who was still just silently crying. “It was before we even met, and it was just once, and we’ve never done anything since. I would never cheat on you, I love you and—”

“When and where was it?” Lily asked, cutting him off with her statement more like a command than a question.

“The December before we met, when I came home for Christmas.”

“In your bed?”

He nodded.

“Oscar, I slept in that bed next to you the other night.”

He said nothing. 

“Why are you doing this to me?” she asked, her voice cracking. “Haven’t I been good to you?”

“Lily, I promise, I love you more than anything.”

“Then why would you lie to me for five years?”

Oscar took a deep breath and said, “Because I was afraid you would be upset. People don’t understand that me and YN are just friends. I mean, we were raised together, she’s like my sister.”

“You had sex with her. You took each other’s virginity.”

“It wasn’t…like that.”

“How can it not be like that? Do you even hear what you’re saying?” 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

About an hour after you left, you heard a knock on your hotel room door, and you answered. It was, of course, Lily. 

“Tell me whatever Oscar wouldn’t,” she said. Her eyes were still puffy and red. 

You welcomed her in, beginning to tell her the entire truth. “Oscar and I had sex when we were 18, before he met you. We never talked about it afterwards. After you met I didn’t want to bring it up, I just assumed he’d do the right thing and tell you. I didn’t want to pry into your relationship.”

So, your stories matched. And Lily knew that you were nothing if not honest. 

“Do you love him?”

“Of course I do, he’s my best friend.”

“No, I mean, are you in love with him?” 

You didn’t answer immediately. What were you supposed to say?

Tears fought their way to the corners of your eyes, but you blinked them away. “I don’t know,” you began, but that was a lie, you did know. “I guess…I have a special type of love for him. We grew up together. When we were younger, yes, I wanted to be his girlfriend. But then he met you, and… Lily, he was so happy! I just…I realized that I wanted him to be happy more than I wanted him to be mine. So I made peace with the fact that this is how it had to be.”

Lily was overwhelmed with your honesty, in the face of so much deception. 

You continued, “I don’t blame you for being upset at me. Oscar should have been honest about what our friendship was like from the very beginning instead of lying to you. But I swear, we haven’t done anything while you all have been together. I’ve been cheated on and I know how much that hurts, I would never do that to anyone else. I’m so sorry it ended up like this.”

“No,” Lily said, “You’re the only one who’s been honest with me throughout all of this. Thank you.”

After that, you hadn’t heard from Oscar after that for a long time. Or, at least, a few weeks felt like a long time to you. But you had other pressing matters—your workload was through the roof with Oscar’s wins. Lando had snatched himself a win too, setting up an early battle for the championship. It was too early into the season to call it, but you knew Oscar was feeling the pressure with the possibility of his first championship dangling so close in front of him. So you kept your distance, not wanting to be a distraction.

That was, until he called you, saying just those three painful words.

“Lily left me.”

The sun was cresting over the horizon, illuminating the thick glass of your balcony and flooding light into your living room. You hadn’t gotten an ounce of rest. 

From your bedroom, you could hear Oscar snoring. You just let him sleep. 

God knows you both needed it. 

[notlongtolove]

to get it anyway

a steel case to the face. that's the last thing you remember seeing. spencer’s voice, shouting your name. gunfire in rapid succession. you remember hearing sirens. maybe. you’re not entirely sure. hands, trembling, cupping your cheeks.  then, nothing.

pairing: spencer reid x fem!reader (second person, no y/n)

genre: fluff, hurt comfort

content: slight mentions of stitches and wounds. bau!reader gets hurt during a case and spencer is worried out of his mind—maybe even worried enough to confess his feelings for her???

word count: 2.3k

note: love the linked poem... also need someone to confess their undying love for me rn rn rn (also is this considered fluff? im not too good w tags)

a line: He cradled your head in his hands, shielding your body with his own when the gunfire went down. His world tilted on its axis—Instinct overtaking reason.

the final sour cherry we kept politely pushing onto each other’s plate, saying, No, you. But it’s so good. No, it’s yours. How I finally put an end to it, plucked it from the plate, and stuck it in my mouth. How good it tasted: so sweet and so tart. How good it felt: to want something and pretend you don’t, and to get it anyway. - cristin o’keefe aptowicz

A steel case to the face. That's the last thing you remember seeing. Spencer’s voice, shouting your name. Gunfire in rapid succession. You remember hearing sirens. Maybe. You’re not entirely sure. Hands, trembling, cupping your cheeks. 

Then, nothing.

Spencer’s pacing down the hallway, his hands restless at his sides as he calls out for the doctor who’s only just walked out of your room. Before he can get far, he feels a hand clamp down on his shoulder, firm enough to stop him in his tracks.

“Hey,” Morgan says, his voice low. “Hey!” he says again, louder, forcing Spencer to look at him this time, “You gotta slow down.”

“She—she was hit. In the head!” Spencer twists under his grip, his eyes darting toward the room where you’re lying behind a closed door. “Do you know how fragile the human skull is? She could have a concussion or—or intracranial bleeding, or—I need to—”

“What you need to do—is calm down,” Morgan interrupts. His tone is stern, leaving no room for argument. “You pacing and panicking? That’s not helping her. And it’s not helping you. You’re worried. We all are. I get it.”

But Spencer isn’t just worried. He’s terrified. He’s bone-deep, mind-numbingly terrified. You all get hurt sometimes—Occupational hazard. Duh. Everyone knows that. But it’s rare for any of you to actually end up warded in the hospital, rarer for it still, to be a two-hour wait with no definitive answers. The doctors had been maddeningly vague: We’ll let you know as soon as possible. No reason to worry. But how could he not?

“Don't tell me to calm down, I—” Spencer’s voice cracks. His chest feels tight, constricted. “Even small blows can cause severe brain damage. Nobody knows how fast—how fast neurons can start to—”

“Reid,” Morgan repeats, his grip not letting up. “They checked her. Twice. You saw it yourself. You saw them go in. I promise you—They’re on it.”

Spencer doesn’t reply. He doesn’t tell Morgan that 3.6% of hospital deaths occur because of medical negligence—A staggering 1.8% of those linked to head injuries. Doesn’t tell him how many journal articles he’s read on misdiagnosed head trauma or the cascading complications that can go unnoticed until it’s too late. The numbers run through his mind unbidden anyway.

“I’m gonna let you go now,” Morgan says carefully, studying Spencer’s face. “But you gotta stay calm, kid. You hear me? Hotch is already looking.” 

Spencer forces himself to look where Morgan’s nod directs him. Hotch is speaking to a local officer at the end of the hallway, eyes already darting warningly towards them. “I’m calm,” Spencer mutters, though his chest feels like it’s caving in and his breaths are shallow and his heart is pounding so hard he thinks it’s a wonder Morgan can’t hear it. Nothing about this feels calm at all. Not even remotely. 

He drags himself to the bench in the hallway reluctantly. As it turns out, sitting does little to settle him. His leg bounces uncontrollably and he bites at his nails, a nervous habit he hasn’t indulged in since childhood. Old habits resurface when the mind is in distress, he recalls. He doesn’t even glance up when Morgan comes by again with a peace offering in the form of a cup of coffee. Not even when Hotch had come to pass on his well wishes, a pressing call waiting for him back at the bureau. 

The minutes crawl by and Spencer counts each one. Sixty. Seventy. Eighty. At ninety-three, a doctor finally approaches. Spencer bolts upright, standing so fast that his head spins a little. You’re stable. Visitors are allowed. Two at a time. He barely registers anything else that the doctor says.

You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.

The sharp antiseptic smell hits him first. Then it’s you, eyes blinking blearily as you try to grab a cup of water from the overbed table. The motion makes you wince and Spencer is at your bedside in an instant, his knees bumping gently against the frame as he leans down. 

“Stop I—I’ve got it, I’ve got it,” he says softly, scooping up the cup before you can strain yourself any further. 

“Thanks, Spence,” you whisper, your voice hoarse. You take the cup from him with a weak smile and lift it to your lips for a small sip.

Spencer’s gaze flits involuntarily to your temple. Stitches, eight of them, subcuticular running sutures, from what he can see. They start at your hairline, tracing a clean path down just shy of your cheekbone. He tries to tell himself it’s a good sign—clean wound edges, minimal scarring expected. He wants to say something but the sight of you, pale lips, fragile in the oversized hospital gown, usual biting sarcasm and saccharine teasing nowhere to be found, makes his heart ache. 

“How do you feel?” he finally manages. Even he knows it's a stupid question the moment it leaves his lips. 

“Like I got whacked in the face.” Ah, there you are.

Spencer chuckles meekly though ​​his attempt at lightness falls flat when he catches sight of the stitches again.

“S’not as bad as it looks,” You say tiredly, noticing his line of sight. “The nurse told me it was barely a concussion. A mild one at worst.” 

“Oh yeah? Would’ve been nice to know ‘bout two hours ago,” Morgan interjects, cutting into the quiet moment. Spencer startles slightly, having completely forgotten he was there. “Pretty sure our poor boy wore a hole in the tiles from all his pacing.”

The flush creeping up Spencer’s neck is immediate, spreading to his cheeks as he goes a little crimson. Regardless, he’s thankful for the soft laugh it draws from you. Eyes crinkling, lips curved. You look a little more like yourself now, even if the weariness hasn’t fully dissipated. It makes Spencer feel a little fuller, a little lighter. 

Spencer’s liked you since the first day he met you. 248 days ago, to be exact—But it’s definitely not like he’s kept count or anything. 

He thought he’d like you when he read over your application file. You’d cited winning a local checkers tournament at age 11 as one of your ‘greatest accomplishments to date’.

He knew he liked you when he caught you trying to explain the concept of gravity to Henry at his fourth birthday party using a juice box and a cookie.

When you quoted Aristotle in an attempt to convince Hotch to get a new coffee machine for the unit? Spencer was certain he’d fallen in love right then and there. Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work. Doesn’t it, Spence?

“Aw, Spence,” you coo softly, your voice carrying that honey sweet lilt he’s grown so fond of. “M’fine. Really.” 

For a fleeting moment Spencer almost believes you. Because the way his heart flutters when you reach over to squeeze his hand in reassurance makes him think he’s the one who should be hooked up to those machines instead. Your thumb brushes gently over the back of his hand and Spencer feels his breath hitch, swallowing hard. He swears he goes a little dizzy for a moment so he promptly takes a seat in the chair by your bed.

“It’s good to see you awake, pretty girl. You really had us worried there for a minute,” Morgan says. Spencer nods fervently in agreement. After a beat, Morgan just can’t seem to help himself, adding, “Well, some of us more than others.” Spencer’s certain Morgan’s thoroughly amused by how flustered he is—More so that you seem blissfully unaware. 

“I’ll leave you two to it.” Spencer pretends not to notice the pointed glance and shameless smile Morgan throws his way. “Don’t let this one fuss over you too much, though. He’s got that down to an art form.” The door clicks shut behind Morgan, and the room grows quiet again, save for the faint hum of the machines and the soft rustle of sheets as you shift slightly in bed.

“Do you remember anything? Before? After?” Spencer asks. He’s painfully aware of how your hand hasn’t moved from his. 

“Not much,” you sigh, your eyes downcast. “Lots of shots… shouting.”

Spencer nods grimly, his jaw tight. If he were being honest, he didn’t remember much either. The moment he saw you go down, his mind had gone blank, aside from the fuzzy static screaming in his ears. He’d lunged toward you as your body crumpled to the ground. The scuff on his pants and the sting of his elbow attest to that fact. His knees had scraped against the concrete as he cradled your head in his hands, shielding your body with his own when the gunfire went down.

His world tilted on its axis—Instinct overtaking reason.

FBI protocol was clear: never abandon your weapon, never turn your back during active gunfire. Subsection 28A, paragraph 2, page 36. Spencer knew it by heart. (He knew the entire handbook by heart.)

But Spencer also knew that if it ever came down to it, he’d take a bullet for you without hesitation.

“I remember you,” you admit softly, your voice a little stronger as you glance up at him, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

“M—me?”

“Mhmm,” you hum, “I remember you calling my name. You holding me.” A faint smile tugs at your lips. Your fingers trace gentle circles into his palm as you sigh, “I only remember you, Spence.” ​​It sends a flip through him, right down to his toes—He short circuits. 

“I care about you,” Spencer blurts. His mind feels foggy, his words slipping out before he can overthink them. “Like, really care about you.” He winces internally. Filler words? Really? But with the way you’re looking at him—kind, expectant, devastatingly patient—he can’t seem to summon anything better. 

“I like you,” he tries again, his voice just a tad firmer. “A lot. More than I probably should. I—I really like you,” he adds in a rush. Real smooth, Spencer. 

You tilt your head, biting your lip to suppress a grin, and Spencer hopes you can't feel how sweaty his palms are.

“I know,” you say simply.

“Y—you do?” His voice comes out shakier than he likes.

“I do. Kinda guessed it from the teasing and stuff.”

Silence.

It stretches just long enough for Spencer to start panicking. He’s briefly comforted by the fact that even mild concussions can cause memory lapses and wonders if there’s any other way to make you forget this humiliating confession. 

“I’m sorry,” he stammers, rushing to fill the quiet. “I’m being insensitive. You’re probably overwhelmed enough as it is—I shouldn’t have—”

“I like you too, Spencer,” you say softly, cutting him off. 

“You—you do?”

"I do," you nod unabashedly, utterly unflustered. “I have for a while now, actually.”

His eyes widen. “You have?”

“Yes I have, and I do, I really like you too,” you say with a sheepish smile, laughing. “But if you keep making me repeat myself you’re gonna give me the headache the doctors keep saying I'm lucky not to have.” 

“S’not funny,” Spencer mutters, but he smiles anyway. The brightest smile he’s had today. Maybe even this week. Possibly even this year. “Don’t joke about that. I was really worried.”

“I know,” you reply warmly. “Something about pacing holes into the tiles, if I recall.”

Spencer rolls his eyes, a boyish laugh slipping out. He hadn’t imagined this moment unfolding in a hospital room, of all places. To be honest, he hadn’t imagined this happening at all. 

You’ll probably be out in three days. Maybe two if you’re lucky. He’ll ask you out then. Properly. Dinner at that Thai place you both love. A trip to the library you’d mentioned two months ago but never got around to visiting. He’ll take you to the park where he plays chess every Saturday. He’s going to do it all. The thought makes him absolutely giddy. 

Unbeknownst to the two of you, outside, Morgan hasn’t budged. Not an inch. He’s standing by the blinds, peering in through the narrow sliver. The panicked clatter of heels on the tiled floor announces Garcia’s arrival before she’s even turned the corner. Her face is the epitome of panic, teary eyes wide with worry.

“How—how bad is it?” she blurts, her voice shaking. “Oh god, did she make it? Reid called and—”

Morgan silences her with a gentle finger to her lips. “Shhhh. She’s fine.”

“Fine?! But—But Reid said something about brain trauma—and her neurons and—”

“Babygirl, you and I both know how he gets when it comes to her,” Morgan chides, “Nurse said it’s barely a concussion.”

Garcia lets out a deep, shaky breath, her shoulders sagging dramatically as relief washes over her. “Oh, thank god,” she utters, pressing a hand to her chest. “Oh, I’m gonna kill that boy, d’you know what he told me?! He said—” 

“Hold that thought,” Morgan says, cutting her off with a smirk. “Our boy genius is a little… preoccupied right now.” He steps aside slyly, gesturing toward the blinds. “Take a peek. You’ll thank me later.”

Inside, Spencer has moved his chair closer to your bedside. One of his hands holds yours securely, fingers interlocked now, while the other traces soothing circles along your forearm. His smile is blinding, proud even, as laughter fills your face. When you shift, a strand of hair falls across your face, and Spencer gently brushes it aside, his hand lingering on your cheek.

Garcia visibly melts at the sight. She lets out a soft, adoring sigh as Morgan starts to steer her gently down the hallway.  “You know, when I told you last week that she wouldn’t know Reid liked her even if it hit her in the face, I didn’t mean it literally,” she quips, amused. 

“I know babygirl, I know,” Morgan chuckles, shaking his head as he places a hand on her shoulder. “Now, come on. I think I saw some jello in the cafeteria.”

⋆✴︎˚｡⋆ hi if you're here! thank you so much for reading! likes, comments or reblogs are very much appreciated!

ᯓ★ song recs if you feel like it: magnets by niki soft spot by keshi

[womenwoso]

Thank you so much for the kind words on my last fic. It's really appreciated. Thank you to @helen-with-an-a for being amazing and proofreading. Hope you enjoy and requests are open. Please send in ideas.

Hard questions

Mapí León was perched on the edge of the sofa, her eyes showing her exhaustion after a long day of practice. Fresh from a shower, her damp hair was wrapped in a towel when Clara burst into the room, her little face beaming with excitement.

“Mamí!” Clara exclaimed, her voice bubbling with enthusiasm. “I saw a picture of you in your Spain jersey at school today! You looked so happy, like me when I play football with you and all my tias. When do I get to play with them again? Why don’t you play for Spain anymore, do you not love Spain?

Mapí paused, Clara was in the stage of asking questions constantly, but this question hung in the air like a heavy cloud. She had anticipated this moment. Clara was getting old enough to ask tough questions—ones that carried a lot of history, choices, and feelings that Mapí had kept to herself but she hadn’t expected this question just yet.

For a brief moment, Mapí was silent, just gazing at her daughter, who was looking back at her with wide, innocent eyes, eager for a response.

“Clara, honey,” Mapí began gently, pulling her onto her lap, “It’s not that I don’t love playing for Spain anymore. I’ve always loved it. I still do.”

Clara tilted her head, clearly puzzled. “Then why don’t you play with my tias? You’re the best player! Tia Ale plays for Spain, so does Aita, Patri, Jana and Irene. All the girls play for a country there's a lot of countries more than just Spain. It's so cool. ”

Mapí let out a soft laugh, gently pushing a lock of hair away from Clara’s forehead. “You know, being the best doesn’t always cut it. Football is more than just skills—it’s about the teammates, the environment, and how you feel … on the inside.”

Clara looked puzzled, her little brain trying to process the information. “But … but you’re amazing, Mamí! You helped Spain win! Why wouldn’t they want you anymore?”

Mapí felt a weight in her chest. She had kept the real reasons for stepping back from the national team to herself, not wanting to overwhelm Clara with the complicated details. But now, her daughter deserved honesty, even if it was tough to share.

“Sometimes, Clara,” Mapí said, her voice thick with feeling, “sometimes the people in charge don’t treat you the way you should be treated. They don’t do their jobs properly and might end up hurting people. They might not recognise your worth. And when you feel that way for too long, it gets hard to keep going. When something like that happens, iIt hurts. And when something hurts, you have to think about what’s best for you.”

Clara paused, clearly processing everything. Mapí could see the little gears working in her brain. “So... you left … because they were … mean? … to you?”

Mapí gazed into her daughter’s eyes, so similar to her own, feeling a pang in her heart. “Sí carino, something like that. But it’s not just about being nice. It’s about feeling valued and … and being respected. Football is all about teamwork, but it is also based on trust and support. When those things are missing, it gets really tough to keep playing.”

Clara seemed to ponder this for a while, a little crinkle forming in her brow. Finally, she asked, “Are you going to go back?”

Mapí offered a gentle smile, a blend of sadness and hope shining in her eyes. “I’m not sure, nena. Sometimes, people need a little time to heal before they can return to something and sometimes you have to step away so the changes that need to be made can happen. Right now, I’m focusing on Barça and making sure I’m in a good place, where I can be the best version of myself …  the best Mamí I can be for you. I can’t promise I’ll ever play for Spain again, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love the game or my country. I do. Always.”

Clara looked up at her mom, her tiny hands resting on Mapí’s arm. “I want you to play for Spain again. I want to see you in the jersey.”

Mapí’s heart warmed, her daughter’s words reminding her of the love that kept her going every day. “Maybe one day, pequeña. Maybe one day.”

The room fell silent for a moment, the heaviness of their talk hanging in the air. Mapi realised that Clara didn’t grasp everything completely, but she could see the love and hope shining in her daughter’s eyes. And honestly, that was enough for now.

With a gentle kiss on Clara’s forehead, Mapí pulled her in for a tight hug. “No matter what happens, you’ll always be my biggest supporter. That’s what really counts.”

Clara beamed, resting her head on her mom’s shoulder. “I’ll always cheer for you, Mamí. Forever.”

[torturedtypewritersdept]

blue eyes + bruises - part one

✯ pairing:

doctor!rafe cameron x fem!reader

✯ summary:

a tragic car accident looks like it'll be the end for you, but dr. cameron is here to make sure that doesn't happen.

✯ warnings:

mature themes, mentions of anxiety, nostalgia, and fear, car accident, death of a spouse (not rafe or y/n), major surgery, injuries, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, etc.

✯ a/n:

nothing!! please don't engage if you have a hard time with any of these topics <3 this was origianlly posted on my old blog @/illicitfixations, @/lovelornanonymity back in 2021/2022 and i have rewritten + reshared it here :)

—

Sarah doesn't have lunch often with her brother, but she does today, placing the responsibility of taking care of him on herself, as she always does. Her latest manifestation of this fact is you – her best friend since her college days. He doesn’t know it, but she’s coming to him with a proposition; your sweetness and his intelligence – she knows they’d meld together like a puzzle and that’s precisely why she’s set up a date between the two of you for this evening. She enters the hospital cafeteria slowly, spotting him from across the gigantic space. His shoulders are slumped and she clocks a limp in his step, instantly sure he’s been on his feet for far too long. She smiles softly as they lock eyes and notices his are far more sunken in than she’d like them to be; in fact, they almost resemble the dark black holes of a skull missing its skin and as he makes his way feverishly through the cafeteria line, she wonders if he’s okay. 

“Rafe – you look like you haven’t eaten in six days.” 

She scolded as the older Cameron made his way to the table and sat his tray down across from her. 

“I eat.” 

He grunted in response, rolling his blue orbs into the back of his head at her incessant need to pick him apart in the form of worry. This was why he didn’t return to North Carolina after college, after all. Though he couldn’t in part blame it all on his baby sister, the discontent of his father and the enthralling energy of the city had wooed him and his bride. 

“Yeah, okay, hot shot.” 

She replied, laughing, throwing a french fry in his direction.  

“You’re gonna be mad but I've promised your hand to someone for the evening.” 

She said, giggling. 

“Dammit, Sarah!” 

He replied, the huff that escaped like that of an agitated dog.  

“Come on, big brother! Please – she’s my sweet friend from college and she’s nice and shy and she –” 

“I don’t care. I’m not going.” 

Rafe interjected aggressively. 

“Well, too fucking bad. I already told her you agreed and I’d really hate it if you stood her up. It was like pulling teeth to get her to agree to even give you a chance.” 

“Too. Fucking. Bad.” 

He gritted out. 

“No – don’t play with me, I know you. Rafe Cameron is a lot of things, but he isn’t cruel and it took a lot of convincing for her to come out anyways, so please.” 

Squinting her eyes in annoyance and shaking her head, she waged her war with him blatantly, tired of his bullshit only five minutes into the conversation in only a way that he could ignite.

“Tell that to Molly. She thinks I am.” 

He whispered. 

“No she didn’t – doesn’t.” 

She caught herself, two years later still not used to talking about her sister-in-law in past tense. 

“Just go – please. Get out of this hospital and those fucking ugly scrubs.” 

She pleaded, her soft blue eyes always something he had to give into. 

“Fine, Sarah, I’ll fucking go.” 

He growled, jerking his plate closer to him as he began munching on the chicken tenders that sat in front of him.

— 

Rafe was dreading this date, he didn’t know you or what you were even like and let’s be honest, he hasn’t dated in literal years, hasn’t even given it a thought. After Molly departed from him, he ate, slept, and breathed life in the hospital, too afraid to be in his home alone – too afraid the silence and lack of love would swallow him home; death by a thousand cuts. He felt like that was probably normal for the situation he had found himself in; divorce in the form of death. He stared at himself in the mirror of the locker room, being sure he was ready as his hand tousled through his unruly hair. 

“Sarah’s right – I do look like shit.” 

He muttered, suddenly wondering what this unknown woman would think of him.

 He made his way down the linoleum lined hallway and out of the hospital door a few moments later, the familiar red shine of ambulance lights just out of his peripheral and the screech of the alarm coming from the rig coming to a stop. He watched carefully as they pulled a young woman from the back, her limbs splinted and blood covering her. He wasn't sure what it was; fate or an uneasy stomach, these days he hardly had the capacity to tell the difference. But, whatever the force behind it, she pulled him toward her and as he got close, the date he had planned for suddenly slipped his mind. 

— 

Everything hurt – that was the first thing your brain registered as you pulled your eyes open, the sound of a siren and the beat of your heart blaring simultaneously in your ears. The siren was close, you could tell, but you seemed so distant from it at the same time, so far away and fleeting. You closed your eyes, the darkness overcoming you. It only felt like they had been closed for five seconds, but you were sure it had been longer as you heard the sound of a man’s voice and felt wind around you, signaling your brain that you were moving by the sound of rickety wheels beneath you. The man sounded handsome and kind, his voice deep as it bellowed in the air around you. 

“What do we got?” 

He asked with urgency, looking pointedly at the paramedics, a team of doctors surrounding him. 

“25 year old female, car accident. She went through the windshield – crush injuries, concussion, internal bleeding – she’s barely hanging on.” 

He gingerly nodded at the words of the paramedic and brought a pen light from his pocket, pulling your eyelids back and shining it into them. A groan escaped your lips at the intrusion. 

“Sweetheart, can you hear me?” 

His voice penetrated your ears and for some reason unbeknownst to you, your brain pulled your eyes open, fighting to get to whoever the voice belonged. As you took in the blue eyes that stood over you, you registered who the voice belonged to – sounds and words you could barely register coming from his mouth again. 

“I’m Dr. Rafe Cameron, I’m gonna take care of you, okay?” 

He spoke, sliding his hand in yours, giving you a kind smile. 

“Can you squeeze my hand, for me?” 

Your senses weren’t intact, numbness infiltrated your being but you could feel his calloused hand as it slipped into yours and with all the energy that remained in your body, you squeezed his hand weakly. He smiled – bright and breathtakingly beautiful, teeth so perfectly in line that you were sure he had orthodontic work at some point. You noticed the crinkles by his eyes as his lips parted and his lips turned up. You suddenly regretted not shaving your legs this morning, taking in his handsomely sculpted jaw as he turned his head sideways, stretching his hands across you. You were unsure what was happening until you felt him unhooking the straps that you now realized were draped across your body, securing you to the bed you laid on.

“Move her on three – one, two, three.” 

He chanted out, voice bellowing as his words controlled the move of every person in the room. You weren’t sure what kind of doctor Rafe was, but you knew he was important, that he was a leader, as every nurse and bystander operated under his sole instruction. You closed your eyes as the hands of the people around you lifted you from one bed to another, the jostling of your body breaking through the heavy cloud of numbness and what started as a whimper but quickly turned into a full-fledged bloody murder scream escaped your lips. 

“Easy, sweetheart. I know it hurts.” 

His hands made their way to your hair, pushing the blood-stained strands away from your forehead. His touch was gentle and calming, you had never been touched by a doctor like this, you thought to yourself. 

“R-Rafe?” 

You croaked out, eyes pleading. 

“Hmm?”

He questioned with all his attention on you. His blue eyes raked over your form, studying your face, taking in the distress and the pain that laced it. 

“Gonna die?” 

You questioned, mumbling, incoherently and before he could even respond your eyes rolled into the back of your head, your back arching off the bed as you your body shook into a fit of convulsions. 

“She’s crashing!” 

One of the nurses yelled out.  

“We’ve got to get her to the OR now, get me a neuro consult and page Dr. Richardson, I have no doubt in my mind she’s hemorrhaging.” 

As soon as he muttered out the words, Rafe was straddling you on the gurney, legs on either side of your hips as his palms laid flat against your chest, fingers interlocking with each other as he violently, urgently pressed up and down in an attempt to restart your heart. 

“Not today, sweet girl. Not today.” 

He whispered, continuing chest compressions as the nurses and doctors wheeled the gurney the two of you were on into the operating room. 

—

masterlist:

as always, if you'd like to be added to or removed from the taglist, please shoot me an ask or comment on this post so i can keep track <3

@maybankslover @inthelibrarybtw @luvrcndy @silkylovey @yagirlwrites @obxbabygirl @rafeecameronsbitch @klutzy-kay24 @roseczbalt @akobx @allsmilesreally7

[littlemissmentallyunstable]

write more aaron warner you're amazing 🫶

took me long enough but omgggg I got this req done!! thank you so much for you compliment and your request!! I hope you enjoy 🤍🤍 and in all seriousness i am really grateful for your patience with these requests, I realise that it’s taken me far too long to get around to doing them!!

title: you’re not him

pairing: aaron warner x reader

synopsis: something’s off with aaron but he won’t tell you what…

warnings:

a/n: thank you so much for reading 🤍🤍

taglist: @wish-i-were-heather @midiosaamor @fleuriosa @maybxlle @whatsamongus @elysianwayy77 @lovethornes @emelia07 @inmyheaddd @sweetreveriee @azysmate @anintellectualintellectual @off-to-the-r4ces @hermesenthusiast

By the time I’d gotten out of the shower, Aaron still wasn’t out of his office. He’d been there for hours, hunched over the same piece of paper. A little worried, I go to check on him, walking in to find him sitting there, so upright it look like a type of victorian punishment, pen down, staring out into the distance. My footsteps echo down the walkway but he doesn’t move an inch.

“Aaron, love,” I murmur gently, my voice a tender, steady hum over the soft silence.

He doesn’t respond and just stares forwards, lost in a hypnosis of his own thoughts. I’ve seen him like this before and I know it’s not a good thing.

“Aaron,” I say again, a little louder and slightly more urgent.

“Hmmm,” he hums in response not even meeting my eye.

The worry in the pit of my stomach only blossoms like a cherry tree in the springtime, with coiling, twisting branches of anxiety, flowering the most delicate petals of panic.

I chew the inside on my cheek, “what’s wrong?” I dare to ask.

“Nothing,” he replies, his voice distant like he wasn’t quite in the room with me.

“Aaron,” I whisper, sliding my hands up his back slowly with the gentlest fingers, only to stop at his shoulders to massage the tension knots out.

“Yes love,” he says to me, avoiding my gaze even though I know he can feel it burning a hole in the back of his skull.

“Talk to me,” I urge him in barely a whisper.

He shakes away my touch and my hands fall slack to my sides, weighted with rejection.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he sighs, standing up, his back to me.

I inhale deeply. I don’t want to get emotional because usually I’m not, but something about this cold, distant manor struck something in my chest.

“Aaron please,” I say, stepping in front of him, placing one hand on his chest. There’s a rawness to my voice that makes my throat ache, “you have to stop shutting me out, I thought we got past this.”

“You should go and rest,” he murmurs finally meeting my eyes, as he puts his hands on my rounded belly.

I understand now why he refused to look at me for so long. His eyes speak words he has no control over. Deep in the green lies all his pain. Whatever is going through his mind isn’t pleasant.

Still, my specification to address the matter is still being turned down. He’s completely avoiding the subject matter, as if the words never left my lips. He used to be like this all the time, closing me off, locking himself away, drowning in his own issues, refusing to even touch the lifeline bobbing on the surface for him to hold onto.

Aaron had always been stubborn, he didn’t want help. He’d rather stay silent and carry his own burden, rather torment himself into an unhealthy state than ask. Good damage, he used to call it. But once, it got too much and he finally let me in and he made a promise. He promised he wouldn’t go back to way he was. Not with me.

I fold my arms and pin my eyes to his, “I won’t rest until you tell me what’s wrong.”

An ultimatum. I need his attention.

“I promise, love, I’m perfectly happy,” he lies, with a forged smile, “I have you and our beautiful, beautiful child that you’re carrying, what more could I want?”

It’s not the lie that hurts, it’s not even how easily he managed it. It’s the fact he feels he has to lie to me, to hide from me.

“I can feel it when you’re not right you know,” I whisper, touching my heart, “in here.”

He looks at me, his emerald eyes burn. For a moment his expression softens, he breathes a little. He’s less chief commander and more the Aaron I know. The kind man, with soft eyes, gentle hands and sweet lips. The man who would burn the world for me or stand by my side as I burnt it. My Aaron. Then something shifts, a bitter frost comes in and sends an icy sheet all over.

“I need to shower,” he says quickly, “get some sleep, love, you look tired.”

I could’ve stayed there and argued. I wanted to, but he turned away too fast predicting my next move. I run my fingertips over my bump and sigh. He’s right, I am tired. I just hate it when he wasn’t okay, in fact I can’t bear it. It’s as if someone iswas torturing me, burning me alive, scraping my skin off a centimetre at a time, plucking my eyeballs out.

I walk to our bedroom slowly, pushing down my annoyance in the helplessness I feel. If he doesn’t talk, I can’t read his mind, I can’t know his problem, I can’t help. I get into bed, slipping under the covers but not laying down quite yet.

I listen for the shower running but don’t hear a sound, only the soft sloshing of bath water. Aaron bathes when he is stressed, so this only confirmed further that something was playing on his mind.

I try to wrack my fogged mind for what it could be. His work in rebuilding our government had been extensive and stressful but he had never caved under that sort of pressure before. He usually thrived under it. This was something else, I am almost sure of it. But what else? Is it something I’ve done? As far as couples go, I’d always thought we’d handled problems well but maybe he did have a problem with me, maybe I’d done something wrong…

I’m suddenly aware of the bathroom door opening, interrupting my train of thought, as its light shines into the bedroom. Aaron walks in and I can tell he’s caught off guard with the fact that I’m awake. Something between alarm and shock splashes through his eyes for a fraction of a second as he approaches. His eyebrows slowly draw inwards, pinching together in concern.

“You’re still awake, love?” he asks me.

I hum in reply.

“Why do you feel guilty?” Aaron says suddenly, going very still.

I sometimes forget he can feel what I feel, “have I done something?” I reply, “is that why you’re acting off?”

His face breaks into a sad sort of smile, “no, not you, never you.”

I rest my head back on the headboard, fighting with droopy eyelids to keep myself awake. I don’t push him any further, as long as it wasn’t my doing, I would wait for him to be ready to tell me.

He slips into the bed beside me and holds my cheek in one hand, his thumb gently brushing just under my eyes. I melt into his touch, the exhaustion getting stronger and stronger by the second.

“Oh love,” he murmurs, his voice so tender it makes my hearts ache.

I smile tiredly letting the weight of my head fall into his palm.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, his eyes pinned to me roaming over my every feature as if it were the most mesmerising sight he’d ever seen, “so so beautiful.”

“Hold me,” I mumble into his warm skin, craving his touch, to be in his arms.

“Of course,” he says, enveloping his arms around me and tucking me into his chest, hiding me away from the rest of the world.

I breathe him in, the warmth of his skin on mine, our hearts thumping to the same beat. I nuzzle into the crook of his neck, my face buried in his skin. I feel myself grow heavier, less alert as I match my breathing to his.

“Do you want to lay down?” he whispers, probably noticing how my limbs growing heavy.

I hesitate for a moment.

“I won’t let go,” he says, reading my mind, “I promise, I only suggested it because it might make it easier for you to sleep that way.”

I don’t want to sleep, not really. There’s still a part of me that wants to know what’s wrong but my body can only fight the exhaustion for so long. Still, I am committed to stay awake just a little longer.

We lay down together, his arms still around me. I’m cocooned in his body. His hand meet at the bottom of my swollen belly, holding my bump with the utmost care, as if it were the most delicate thing on this universe. His chest is pressed firmly against my back, warm and protective as his legs intertwine themselves with mine. I can feel his slow and steady breathing on the back of my neck, tickling me slightly. The silence between us is heavy and makes my ears ache for sound but I couldn’t think of the right thing to say.

“I’m sorry,” he says, a little strained, in a low voice as if the noise was coming from the back of his throat.

Confusions washes a tidal wave over me, “what are you apologising for?”

I don’t get a response for a long while. I almost think he’s fallen asleep, after his breathing slows. His heart beat a little faster than usual against my back, my only indication that he’s working himself up to admit something. Something that makes him nervous to say out loud. I wait, giving him the time to form the words and the courage to say them.

“I find it hard to talk,” he begins slowly. I can hear each syllable is a struggle for him to say.

“I know,” I murmur, bringing his hands to my lips. I kiss them both gently to silently tell him that I am here to listen when he is ready. He doesn’t have to tell me tonight, or tomorrow night, or even the night after. However long he needed, I would wait for. He understands what I’m saying without me having to even say the words. And still he chooses to whisper seven words into my ear.

“I don’t want to let you down.”

It takes me by surprise. Aaron Warner is not a man to doubt himself, least of all doubt himself and blatantly admit it.

“Aaron what are you talking about?” I ask, rolling over so our noses touch, “you could never let me down.”

“No,” he murmurs shakily, something between pain and fear clouding over his emerald eyes, “listen love, I don’t want to mess things up.”

“Mess what up?” I say softly, my brows pinched with a gentle confusion, “tell me, explain to me.”

“I…” he falters, “…can’t.”

I take my palms to his face and hold him.

“I have seen every part of you,” I tell him, “your worst and your very best, I’m no stranger to the bad parts, so let me help you, let me in, please Aaron.”

Silence hangs in the empty space, never tiring of the wait, never growing impatient.

“I’m scared, love,” he responds finally, his voice so small I barely register it when he speaks, “I’m so so scared.”

“Scared?”

The question slips my lips before my brain has a chance to suppress it. I hadn’t meant to be so blunt. Aaron had never once, in our whole relationship, before and after marriage admitted that sentence aloud. Even when he’d looked the most petrified, physically shaking, a deathly pale, he didn’t say it.

So why now?

“I’m not going to do this right,” he continues, his words sharp and frantic, “I’m not going to be a good enough father, I’m going to ruin this child like my father ruined me, I wasn’t taught how to be a good father, I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m going to mess everything up.”

My heart shatters on the spot. It splits into a million tiny shards that hit the inner walls of my chest like shrapnel.

“Oh Aaron,” I melt, “you don’t need to be taught anything, you’re already the best man I’ve ever met, you’re not ruined at all. And you will be a good father no matter who your father was.”

“What if I become him?” he asks me, his eyes wild with panic, “worse than him?”

I wish in that moment that I’d been the one to kill his father. I would’ve made it the most excruciating experience on this planet. He would’ve been sorry before he went six feet under because no man deserves this torture, especially not Aaron. How dare the monster that called himself a father haunt his soul from the grave. It’s not right. It’s not fair.

“You won’t,” I tell him, “I know it.”

“You can’t be sure of something like that,” he replies, shaking his head, doubting all he is, all he’s accomplished, all his goodness.

I only wish he could see himself the way I see him. Maybe then he might understand.

“But I am,” I say, my voice more raw, more passionate. I know he can feel my emotions, I know he can feel the strong belief I have in him, the love that overpowers my senses. “Look at me Aaron, I know you and you are the furthest thing from the person that man was. You are going to be amazing at this and this baby is going to be so lucky and so so loved.”

He stares at me.

“I’ve never been more in love with you than I am right now,” he murmurs into my lips, kissing me slowly, passionately, longingly.

“And I don’t think I’ve ever been more in love with you than I am right now,” I reply as he draws soft circles with him thumb on my stomach.

“Thank you,” he whispers, “thank you. I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t thank me for telling you the truth,” I reply, “and for the record you deserve every inch of me.”

“Sleep, love,” Aaron tells me gently, holding me tenderly in his arms, with a small smile on his lips, “and I’ll be here when you wake up, always.”

So I stop fighting my tired eyes and finally gave in, letting the night take me as her child, as I fall asleep in Aaron’s arms.

sorry for the lack of fics 😭😭 school has literally taken it out of me this week anywayysss thanks for reading!!

shatter me masterlist

[gatorbites-imagines]

Do you write for Scott Summers/Cyclops??! Specifically James Marsden version/X-men movies?? (I am so normal about him I promise)

If so, fucking Scott against/bent over his motorcycle and he's a whimpering mess 😍 just something about him loving his bike so much makes me wanna breed him on/against it😋

If you don't do X-men you could replace Scott with Nightwing :3

Kurt Wagner x male reader

Ficlet

I swear to god I misread Nightwing as Nightcrawler and it was first when I was about to post this that I realized the mistake, and there is too much about Kurt, his powers and appearance to rewrite it as anyone else… so… Kurt it is. If you want it with Scott, send the request again, my bad bro.

Don’t ask me why Kurt is hitchhiking and doesn’t just BAMF away, it’s for plot…

Kurt was well and truly lost when you picked him up. Thankfully hed still had his watch, the one that altered his physical appearance, so he wasn’t so visibly a mutant. It was out in the middle of nowhere, somewhere Kurt had stumbled after BAMFing out of one situation or another. And yeah, he could have just teleported back again, but his head was hurting really badly, so he didn’t.

In the end he pulled the good old tradition of hitchhiking, of standing by the side of the road with his thumb out and hoping some soul would drive down these baren roads. And luckily, you did, in a mud-covered, beaten truck that looked like your stereotypical country car.

The conversation flowed between the two of you, with you being fascinated by how far away he was from Germany, because Kurt made up some story about being a German hitchhiker seeing the world. Kurt could feel his tail twitching even as it was hidden, and the dirty tanktop, messy beard and old trucker cap you wore wasn’t helping.

There was a reason the one rule of his religion that Kurt couldn’t follow was celibacy, and you made his blood rush. Kurt knew he should be careful, he knew all the stereotypes about men like you, and he knew that later on some of the others would scold him for getting into a stranger’s car. What if you were a serial killer?

But Kurt was a weak man, something he prayed about on the regular, so when you offered to let him spend the night at your place, he jumped on it. even if it didn’t lead to anything, staying the night would be better than trying to get back to the X-men in the dark. That was an excuse, and he knew it, but who could blame him.

It was a nice place you had, large and cared for, even if it was only you. There were two more cars in your massive garage, and a beautiful motorcycle, which Kurt was quick to climb on top of and started turning the handles as he cooed in interest.

There were multiple reasons Kurt was called an imp and elf, and his curled flirty smile was one of them. That very smile as thrown your way, Kurt crossing his fingers in hopes that he had read you right. Seeing you huff but suppressing a smirk of your own had blood rushing downwards, his tail flicking and knocking something over, even in its invisible state.

One thing led to another, and the two of you ended up making out against your bike. It wasn’t actually in a drivable state, it didn’t have any wheels and was just a passion project of yours, but making out with a cute guy against it was really good.

It was a lucky coincidence that you liked jerking off in your garage, meaning you had lube laying around in one of your multiple toolboxes. Kurt was gonna make a flirty joke about it, but your mouth was on his before he could, your teeth clacking and tongues intertwining wetly.

All your jostling and rutting must have smacked Kurts wrist against your bike, as a familiar beep met his ears, and suddenly the illusion flickered and there was blue. The kiss was disconnected as you pulled back, eyes widening at the suddenly fuzzy and very blue man against your bike.

Kurts eyes had widened too, they were completely yellow you noticed. For him it wasn’t shock as much as it was fear, as any mutant knew how some people reacted to their kind, especially the ones that didn’t look like the norm.

There was a flicking motion in your peripheral, your eyes turning to it only to see a tail of all things flicking side to side. It even had a triangle shaped tip like a cartoon devil. It wasn’t that you hated mutants, you hadn’t ever met one that you knew of, and you liked to mind your own lane.

“Well… this is awkward, hehe” Kurt chuckled out, voice a little dry and tense as his shoulders rose, eyes flicking towards the well. “Only if you make it one” you reply after taking him in, sliding your hands up his sides and feeling his velvet fuzzy fur. You could work with this.

Kurt could only widen his eyes as you kissed him again, just as hungry as before and hands exploring across his torso. The X-man could only be pleasantly surprised, winding his arms around you and pulling you close once more as you started rutting against each other again, but this time Kurts tail could join, wrapping around your thigh like a leash.

“Flip over” you pant into his mouth, making Kurt snicker but do as you tell him. His tail wags and coils like a pleased cat as you pull the last of his clothes off, the blue mutant seeming almost smug or cocky in his own way, even if it was obvious, it was just him playing.

A shaky gasp punched its way out Kurts chest as you spread him open, the X-man looking back over his shoulder just to catch you dropping to your knees and burying your face between his spread cheeks. A puff of warm air brushed against his hole, making Kurts toes curl as his tail tapped against your back. “Guess one place doesn’t have any fur” you mumble, more to yourself than anything as you kissed against his tight pucker.

Kurt struggled not to let his tail curl around your head, or worse, your neck as you ate him out, the cap of the lube bottle being heard before your fingers joined in on the mess. The X-man tried to bite down his noises for a moment, until you groped at him encouragingly and he couldn’t hold it back anymore.

The prep was maybe a tad too rushed as you opened him up with a couple of fingers and your tongue, but Kurt was as needy as you were, so he didn’t care about the burn as you pushed inside, with a condom, of course. Instead, he wound his tail around your thigh again and pulled you close.

Your strong hands on his hips and your groans in his sharp ears, as well as the feeling of you stretching and filling him had Kurt feeling like he was in heaven. The blue fuzz coating his body made it nearly impossible to leave hickeys, at least visible ones, but that didn’t stop you from trying, and your enthusiasm to mark him up made Kurt dizzy in the best way possible.

Kurt hadn’t even noticed he had stumbled over the edge as you ground into him, Kurts body aflame with want and pleasure as he rocked back against you like a needy cat in heat. It was only when you bottomed out inside him and tumbled over it yourself, that Kurt noticed how he had painted the leather seat of your bike in his spend.

Maybe hitchhiking wasn’t so bad, Kurt thought, as you pulled out and flipped him over, replacing the used rubber with a new one, giving his tail a slight yank only to make him yelp and spread his legs enough to give you room. Definelty, not bad at all.

[zeyris-daydreams]

Not a request, but how do you think poly yandere Boothil and Robin would work together

Yandere! Boothill x reader x Yandere!Robin

Omg!! I absolutely love the idea of a Robinhill poly!! The mutual worry goes insane, and I’ll make sure to marinate their experiences in a seasoning of their experiences!

Boothill is a man who knows what loss is. After all, loss sent him on his journey, and bore a seed of vengeance in him. For Robin, loss was immaterial. It was what she felt to be loss of freedom, and loss of close ties. In that Robin and Boothill understood each other, and their experiences, albeit similar on the surface, shaped them differently.

Boothill is protective from his past experiences; scared that if he doesn’t hold his close ones, they’ll slip to never be seen again. The fear of further loss, embraced by his single-mindedness as a Galaxy Ranger, is quite the shake to deal with. It’s worsened by a sense of posessiveness, creating a similarly determined approach with you.

Robin however knows how it feels to be left with limited options, and so despite her ever-growing affection to you, she is rather reasonable. She can’t stop her feelings, but she can judge things from another perspective as well; Boothill never doubted her abilities or expertise when they combated the monkey-virus, after all. And, despite his possessiveness and jealousy, he knows she can take care of himself. She truly is an angel, in all the meanings of this word.

Then again there’s you, too, fortunate or unfortunate enough to have their gazes on you. Perhaps it is Robin to initiate, and perhaps it is Boothill. Both work out in the end; one way or another, their relationship based on trust and understanding starts to encase you too. Maybe not in the same understanding or trustful way, but still, it is based upon care for your being.

I believe Robin and Boothill may initially find their ideals to crash, it doesn’t lead to an argument. With your person, Boothill believes that the best course of action was to protect what he likes most; you, and Robin. Robin however understands it, and given she likes Boothill too, there is no fuss around the topic. Therefore no extreme measures need to be taken.

In your case… compliance isn’t promised, that’s what Boothill had told “singing queen” when discussing you over lunch. Because in case of you rejecting them, how can they ensure your safety? Robin does not wish to cage you. Boothill believes the only way to ensure safety would be to keep an eye on you, supervised.

And, given your acceptance isn’t promised, Robin is fairly easy to convince. While she doesn’t plan to hold you hostage - goodness, no. She’d never do that to someone else - she can try other ways of conviction. If you understand their care, then you’ll surely choose to stay; that is something that Boothill can get behind.

And, if you choose to stay, then it’s not keeping a bird in a cage.

Their mutual care for each other extends equally to you, really! I mean, Boothill can take care of himself! And, Robin is intelligent, she did well all this time too, dealing with so many things. . .

You have to understand why it’s just different with you. You have to.

Maybe she will have to.. tune you slightly. Slightly, promise, it’s not even going to hurt! Boothill and Robin mutually don’t want anyone’s feelings hurt. And so it’s unacceptable if you offend either of them as well - same as if you were being treated badly.

Obsessive care and being protective of you isn’t bad treatment, however. You simply have different needs from them. That’s it.

[strangerslullaby]

honestly i’ve never understood the hate alana gets, and to me, her relationship with hannibal is one of the most interesting ones in the show.

we all know this show is full of *very* complex people and very complex relationships between those people, holding a mirror to the reality of life, no one is as simple as good or evil, (and good or evil aren’t as simple as that) and relationships are never as simple as romantic or friendly or just nothing.

so, alana and hannibal, i could make an entire essay on this relationship but for now:

we know alana in S1 and S2 has a very high sense of morality, she’s kind, she’s a good friend who never thinks (or gives into) exploiting will as a psychiatrist, she believes the best of people. hannibal and her met before she met jack and will, there is a trust. but i truly think hannibal has a certain fondness of her, he kind of cares, we have to remember hannibal’s feelings and concepts of care are different from what we as a society (maybe not individually) know. I think he likes her because her mind is so sharp and she *kinda* gets it. NOT ENTIRELY I KNOW!! And not like will that gets it and also shares it. But my point is, she gets a part of it.

In the theramine scene, when she tells hannibal that he has to be careful with what he’s been playing, and the way their conversation takes place, we can see that she gets the hidden meaning behind hannibal’s words, she’s able to keep up with him, and she doesn’t know who he really is but i think on a subconscious level she feels and has a grip on it

and the scene where she asks him if she could have ever understood him, and he says no, is just heartbreaking to me (but that’s for another post)

edit: their goodbye in mizumono is *also* so heartbreaking to me, the way he could have just killed her or hurt her more when he was leaving his house and she was on the floor, hannibal wasn’t at risk of getting hurt, he could have just stomped on alana’s neck, if she were just a pig like anyone else. their final words when she finds him trying to open the pantry i think define their relationship so well, he gave her an opportunity to go, he promised he wouldn’t go for her, he said he hoped they wouldn’t have to say goodbye. just like a friend who could never understood you but you kept them because of a certain nostalgia, and the breaking point when they realize what you are

Also, I love the whole mason arrangement, the way their relationship became even more layered when she was responsible for his care, and how she actually said to him she trusted him with will, anyway sorry if this is all over the place, i’m trying to make it as short as possible, maybe in some point i will make a whole analysis on their relationship :)

[slixqrta]

yandere! roommate x reader

synopsis: a series of photo online runs your entire life, forcing you to be fired and become locked inside home to prevent harassment from the public. now, you have no way of providing any income, but no worries! your roommate is there to save you.

TW: 18+ writing, noncon, gn! reader, amab! yanderes, manipulation, violence, isolation, leaked photos of mc, implied non consensual somnophilia, harassment, forced exposure due to photos, reader not having a good time overall.

a/n: so this took way more time than i expected, sorry for the lack of updates (Ｔ＿Ｔ) but it’s okay, i promise to become a bit more productive and active on this blog as i have more projects incoming, i swear! but for now, enjoy this new work of mine. and hit me up with a dm if anything is off about this post!

off all the ways you expected to get money to pay the rent, becoming financially dependent on your roommate to avoid eviction was the least thing you expected. however, you can’t find a job anywhere you go.

from gaining twice the minimum wage at an office job, ready to gain a promotion after years of working to be fired after a series of pictures of your body in compromising positions were released online.

you don’t remember taking them, but you can recall how people began looking at you. their eyes were full of malice or hatred, calling you names that no one should be referred as and some even going as further in asking if you are willing to do it again for the ‘fans’.

it took any two days before your boss fired you, calling you a ‘freak’ as he kicked you out with a box full of your belongings. none of your former colleagues defended you, they stared at you like you were nothing and so, you lowered your head and walked away from the office.

and the thousands applications you send to numerous companies are all rejected, they keep calling out the photos of you online as an excuse to not hire you. while others immediately ignore your existence.

that happened weeks ago, leaving you unemployed and incapable of helping joshua with the rent. you feel horrible having to be financially dependent on him. it’s reminds how your life is now ruined and yet, joshua—your beloved roommate and friend who is more than willing to help you.

his words assuring that you don’t need to push yourself so hard in finding a job fail to make you calm.

after hours of crying of another rejection, joshua is there to hold you in his chest. he keeps telling it’s not your fault, words of comfort coming out from his lips as he cleans the remains tears of your face.

he tells that things will go back to normal soon, even though he knows that is not true. no sane work place would hire someone who has photos leaked online, it doesn’t matter if was against your consent or not, enterprises prefer having a criminal than a victim between them.

and joshua is more delighted to be aware of that.

the rare occasions you leave the apartment ended shortly after your last attempt in finding a new job. a groups of men spotted you and tried to drag you to a nearby alley, they kept saying words that made you scared of they would do to you.

but before they hand could reach for your clothes, joshua showed up to save you. his fists knocked the men away, making them scatter away from your vision as he helped you getting up. he even cleaned your tears once again, making you feel better as he guided you back home.

“you should stay at home for a while, [name].” his hands touch your hair, replacing the dirty from the earlier incident by a fragrance of flowers. it’s makes you blush by how gentle he is with you, not to mention the fact he is the one giving you a bath right now. “people out there still recognize you, they will hurt you if you leave our place…perhaps you will be safer here. a place where no one can hurt you.”

you nodded.

joshua is right. the outside world is too dangerous for someone so fragile as you, you need to stay inside where it’s safe.

unknowingly, you enter a new routine by staying at the apartment. with no need to going out, you become in charge of doing most of the housework, almost like you were some sort of stay at home spouse…

times goes on, perhaps a couple of months (you don’t really know, there is no clock at the walls and you still have fear in use a phone) when joshua gains a promotion at his job. the blond already gained a lot of money before, but now he is doing way much more than any person in his age would.

he started searching for a new place. according to his words:

“even though it’s just the two of us, don’t you think we deserve better? i mean, you do so much at home and my salary isn’t there just to show off. not to say, but i don’t want thin walls when we began getting closer at bed…”

joshua was already touchy with you. it’s perfectly normal to have friends that hugs you when returning home from work, right? he has always been like this since the first day you moved to the apartment.

there were times where movies night happened in his room and you were in between his legs. joshua has the habit of resting his chin on your head, making comments how small you are compared to him before he tickling you.

you were a fool to believe that joshua had no second intentions by being so physical with you. and you were an idiot to not understand his real intentions by moving the two of you to a ‘better’ place.

you take a deep breath, grasping onto joshua’s sheets as another harsh thrust hits you from behind. tears won’t stop coming from your pretty eyes as joshua forces your body underneath him, forcing you to take his weight as he continues to pound on you.

“don’t cry, sweetie.” he muttered, a cruel twist of his lips hinted at his satisfaction. he learned in closer, his hands gliding over your skin, slow and ruthless. before you could pull away, yelling of pain, he manages to catch a glimpse of your ruined face.

“listen to me, [name].” he forces you to to accept another rough thrust of his, this time making you cry louder. “there is no one around to hear us. remeber? our little sweet home is a bit too far away from the city, so there is no around to hear us. isn’t that exciting?.”

you shake your head. this isn’t exciting, you just want to leave, to kill him and to pretend this is only a nightmare. not having your trust violated by your friend who you considered to be like a family member.

another thrust hit you inside, and this time your vision began blurring.

the black spot appearing in distant as joshua continues to assault your hole, not caring about your discomfort nor pain. he solely focuses upon his pleasure as he forces your head back to the bed, making it worse to your state.

lungs are giving up, no air coming from them as joshua’s hands find themselves on your neck. he keep forcing your body to taken him, pressing your legs against your torso to another harsh thrust.

he is enjoying seeing you struggle with this new position, eyes sparkling of tears and whining when his lips touch your skin. joshua leave plenty of kisses at your face, making sure the first time between the two of you will be unforgettable.

“[name]—“ he moans into your ear, smirking as his hands reach out for something that you don’t bother to look—too busy in trying to maintain your consciousness. “don’t move.”

a series of flashes of his camera captures the worst expressions and poses you could’ve imagined of yourself. the angles of your naked and marked body isn’t something you want to anyone see online, much less after the previous incident died down and after learning that joshua is responsible for it.

somehow, you manage to gain some strength to speak up to him. “p-please don’t,” it’s not what you sounds like usually, too weak and too embarrassed, but there is nothing else you can do now. “d-don’t post it online, please!” then a few hiccup escaped from your lips, making it even more painful for to joshua to see.

he stops taking the photos, putting his camera away before putting a pause with his assault in between your thighs. there is a small hint of regret, but not enough to make him feel guilty about keeping you away from the world and free you.

“oh my [name],” the smile replacing his precious expression scares you. “i won’t post anything more, i swear. all photos that i began taking from now on will be part of a personal collection…”

it’s sound better, right? you don’t have to worry anymore about people seeing your worst version any longer, just joshua will have the pleasure to be witness it.

he will be the only person to see many expressions coming from you for a longer time of your life. isn’t that exciting?

“now, my dear…” he picks the camera once again, a bigger smile on his lips as another flashes makes you uncomfortable. “smile for me.”

taglist -> @kiiyoooo

[cuteandhughesy]

Ceilings | Luke Hughes (playlist)

summary: imagine my writing has been turned into a film - complete with a soundtrack that perfectly captures the essence of the scenes and helps you visualize the words you’ve previously read and bringing them into movie format ✨

warnings: descriptive scenes that may include suggestive and/or smutty dialogue | songs and artists that you may not like | read at your own discretion

a/n: this series will not only provide extras explanation of scenes from the fic, but dive into clues you may of missed ♥️

link to ceilings

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TOO WELL BY RENEE RAPP / WHO! WHAT? BY TRAVIS SCOTT

track 1 (2)

the opening scene of this fic your thrown pretty much right into that university party environment.

Who! What? would be the song playing as you’re meeting the hockey team—as they are playing their bet game, and inevitably make luke’s bet. the song is heard in the background, serving as white noise to the critical conversation.

as the scene shifts, finding you and ariana in the background, the song has also shifted. Too Well plays at the party, heard in the background as you two talk.

the song continues throughout the rest of the scene, slowly fading as you and luke ‘meet’ and converse.

I REMEMBER EVERYTHING BY ZACH BRYAN

track 2

you and luke plan to meet at the coffee house you work at to further discuss your fake dating arrangement. this song is playing over the radio system at the coffee house, providing background noise to the bustling cafe.

TENNESSEE ORANGE BY MEGAN MORONEY

track 3

the beginning instrumentals play at the end of the previous scene, after you and luke exchanged numbers and make plans about the basketball game the following day.

it bleeds into the basketball scene—meeting the guys out front with ariana. this song transitions to playing through the radio in rutger’s truck.

I feel the lyrics of this song almost provide a subtle foreshadowing about the future of your and luke’s relationship—unbeknownst to either of you at that point.

PROMISE BY LAUFEY

track 4

you’ve just had you’re feelings hurt by matthew—he doesn’t remember you from the party—and you’re feeling pretty shitty about that whole interaction, especially after you went for the sole purpose of seeing him.

luke drives you home in rutgers truck, and the two of you share a rather sweet conversation about the interaction, and despite how you’re feeling, luke lifts your spirits—and you even manage to crack a teasing remark at the end of the conversation.

SEVENTEEN BY TROYE SIVAN

track 5

this is one of my favourite scenes in the whole fic—you and luke are walking through campus, discussing where you’re going to go from here, and what’s to come of your plan.

it’s flirty, fun and yet, there’s some serious tension between you and the words with luke. I feel you get a real insight at their dynamic here, and you see them slowly building that friendship.

this song specifically works as a good transition scene song, because it’s not too crazy—but still upbeat enough to fit the vibe.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL BY ED SHEERAN

track 6

you’ve been stressing all day about seeing matt, and everything seems to be going wrong. you’ve been locked out of your house, so you’re wearing a stinky work uniform, your skin and hair feel dirty, and you’re running late.

luke essentially calms you down in the scene, even if he doesn’t realize it—even hough you don’t realize it.

the beginning instrumentals would play softly over the scene while you’re changing, and luke makes the comment about your underwear. this is another one of my favourite scenes, just showing how in tune you and luke are.

the song continues through the scene—quieting as the conversation continues—right up until you’re falling asleep in luke’s bed. there’s a moment where you’re sleeping and luke is admiring you, signalling the shift of feelings.

YOU COULD START A CULT BY NIALL HORAN

track 7

the end of the library scene and luke is walking you home—this is not written in the fic, but it’s alluded too. this song serves as a calm transition between this scene and the next.

the second half of this song playing as luke shows up to your house, drunk and wanting you. I’ve definitely said this already but this is my FAVOURITE scene in the entire fic.

luke is so soft and sweet here and the things he says to you is just….ugh.

JIMMY COOKS BY DRAKE & 21 SAVAGE

track 8

the party scenes, which obviously are a bit difficult to read. this song would be playing during the beginning half of the scenes, serving as a bassy noise in the background, adding to the ambiance of the scene.

the song would continue as you go back to luke and rutger, who are talking with one another—when rutger brings up you and what he’s just seen.

BE STILL BY THE FRAY

track 9

after matt has tried to take advantage of you, which thankfully was stopped before it could escalate any further than unwanted touches and kissing. but still disgusting.

rutger has driven you and luke back to your place, and this song would start playing as you breakdown, letting luke comfort you.

not written into the fic but you’d see you seeking comfort in luke, cuddling into him under your bed. I can just picture you freshly showered, hair wet in and your pyjamas. you’re tucked into luke’s chest, basking in his comforting presence as he strokes your hair.

ITS YOU BY ZAYN

track 10

you and luke are standing in the hallway (after your momentary panic thinking he’s gone missing with his concussion).

this is when you and luke confess your feelings for one another, and although it’s a serious conversation, there’s still that playful teasing that’s you’ve had with one another through the entire fic.

the chorus of the song begins playing as soon as they kiss. it would continue into the second kiss and fade into almost nothing as ethan walks up the stairs and interrupts you.

PRETTY BOY BY THE NEIGHBORHOOD

track 11

there is no specific scene in the fic that i’ve got this song attached too, however in a movie I would want to the audience to see how you and luke are in your relationship—essentially falling in love.

a montage of scenes over this song—things like having sex, laughing, watching movies, talking, getting drinks and food, watching the hockey games, partying…anything that you’d do with a boyfriend in university.

CEILINGS BY LIZZY MCALPINE

track 12

you have just found out about the bet—the bet that includes luke trying to make you fall in love with him before playoffs. and i mean the proof is in the pudding, and you’re heartbroken.

you’ve broken up with him—drunk and at his house—and you’re running out the door.

the song begins palying as you’re leaving, tears running down your face. mark is the one who follows you out, offering to drive you home.

there’d be a collection of scenes after that, all showing the heartbreak and pain of going through this breakup—especially considering you now believe it was one sided the entire time.

the song would fade as ariana comes into your room, ready for the playoff game—which is the next scene in the fic.

LIKE REAL PEOPLE DO BY HOZIER

track 13

luke had just told ariana everything and after she hears the confession, she thinks you need to hear it, and tells luke to go to you.

the song begins playing gently in the background as he starts to confess his feelings to you, and when he tells you he loves you, the song picks up.

and as they kiss, the music continues.

UNWRITTEN BY NATASHA BEDINGFIELD

track 14

the classic ending to a rom-com—come pelted with a fun, early 2000s hit over the final scene and end credits.

scene:

he smirks as you grab your phone, making a mental note to also thank your small blonde bestie. luke studies your face, cheeks flushed, lips pink and eyes wide, much different from when you first opened the door. in a moment of boldness he says, "I told you that you and I have chemistry."

you smile, playing with the hair at the back of his head as you think about that very first night when luke had found you at the party. "I didn't believe you back then."

"do you believe me now baby?"

"I guess so lukey." you tease and he smirks before kissing you again.

this is when the song would begin playing, and the scene would fade into the end credits. i’m very admit that if this fic was a movie it would have the same style of credits as anyone but you—complete with different scenes of the cast singing along and dancing.

[to-be-named-by-angel]

Think i’ve posted about this before but just in case I want to make sure everyone knows that i’m a professional at fixing stuffies/plushies etc that have been torn! I’ve fixed many for my youngest sibling over the years so I know my stuff!

And just to reassure anyone feeling guilty about their plushie getting torn, i just want to say that i promise your plushies are okay!! Think about it! You’ve loved them soo much that they’re bursting with even more love! So they just need a little help getting back together that’s all! I promise if you’ve ever damaged one of your plushies they’ve not been upset with you! They still love you! And it doesn’t hurt them!!

[soft-serve-soymilk]

Actually I’ve come to the conclusion that Cynthia would like Kingdom Hearts for the exact same reason she likes Graces f (the homoerotic tension,,,,,,)

[please-picturemeintheweeds]

tw: abuse discussion, intimate partner violence, grooming discussion, power and control. Trying to be vague here and not fly too close to the muse Sun

Re: red tv and the manuscript discourse, I wonder if people realize that it is actually possible to have abusive/toxic/harmful relationships with people your own age, too? Like even if Taylor and jg were 2 years apart, harm still could’ve occurred….? Like it was obviously not grooming bc that is a very specific set of experiences usually involving a child and a person in a position of trust/power like a parent or teacher or coach etc (I know this bc I lived it!!!). But like… that is not the only kind of harm that can happen to young people???? Her youth/naivety was definitely a factor in how fucked up the situation was but it was not the only element. Power dynamics do not begin and end at age. Adults can fuck each other up, too…

[binders-and-beanies]

.

[dilf-phoenix-rights]

Tbh ppl here are so weird about tiktok users

[manic-misfit]

What brought you back to the trenches (tumblr) bro?

I wanted a safe place to leave a door open, I owed someone some open vulnerability, to be in sight and reach if ever they need me again.