#and i pray to God that i am able to hold myself accountable in this kindness and that people around me-

[elytrafemme]

the best thing i have ever done for myself is become a person who communicates directly and openly, and every day i resolve to work on this; to grow the sapling of communication into a tree i can root myself into. i have learned bluntness in many contexts but now i am learning to temper the bluntness with kindness. i still fail in many ways, actively, every day, but i'm working towards this. and i wanted to share because it is important to me, and i think many people struggle with this because communicating is scary. it's important, it's healing, and i think we can all move forward so much farther if we embodied the idea of open communication, clear boundaries/standards, and kindness for all the ambiguities that life presents us as well as kindness towards your own situation, and understanding the hard lines you may have to draw.

[scribeforchrist-blog]

Holding on To Half 

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK

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+ Psalm 46:5 God is within her; she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.”

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VERSE OF THE DAY 

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+ Proverbs 15:22 Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

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** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **

I AM COMPLETE

I AM FINISHING THE TASK 

I AM FOCUSED ON GOD 

I AM FILLED WITH JOY 

********************************

THOUGHTS:

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   Sometimes, when we have a chorus to do, we get halfway into it, we don’t want to finish it or get a prescription for medication, and once we feel better, we stop taking it or when we are about to clean up the living room, we only vacuum and don’t dust; we don’t do anything else because we don’t feel like going the extra mile to complete what we must do. We all have done half of something and called it a day, and sometimes, that disrupts our plans for another day because we must pick up where we left off, and we get so aggravated that we won't even try anymore to complete the task at hand.

   We often see what Jesus is doing, and we think this isn’t enough, so we doubt that he can handle the things we want , but whatever Jesus is doing in our life, he is doing it for a reason. Whatever he does, he isn’t going halfway; Jesus never does anything halfway; maybe we only get half because that's all he wants us to have,; a lot of us don’t stop and look at what we are doing because we are too busy pointing the finger at Him then to point the finger at ourselves.

  God wants us to know that everything he did, he did everything to help us, sustain us, and push us through. I can remember I felt so tired for several days, and I asked the Holy Spirit . I said Holy Spirit ; I feel so tired. I said this must be a spiritual attack , and he told me no, Lui, this isn't spiritual; you're not sleeping the way you should. I was ready to point the finger and not look at myself, and I immediately realized that sometimes we all do this. We are ready to blame others for something we are doing. This has happened so many times in the bible, and many of us are doing this now; we won't ask God to help us where we are because we don’t want to blame ourselves for what we are doing; look at Cain.

  Genesis 4:10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. 11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. 

   He didn’t look at his mistake in this; he looked at Able and immediately became angry because he felt that Abel was favored, and he wasn’t. Abel's sacrifice was accepted because he did what was right; he didn’t make his sacrifice halfway; maybe Cain did it out of laziness, maybe he thought what he gave would slide , maybe because he thought God would accept this, but just like God doesn’t do anything halfway in our life, we shouldn’t do anything in our life or for him halfway this is also a good example of only giving God half of what he is due, some of us only give him half of our selves, some of us give half of our lives as a sacrifice when we should give it all to him.

     When will we ever stop looking at others and their circumstances and look at what we can do for our lives? Many of us have this bad; we are so ready to point to the sky and fuss with God, but have we prayed, worshiped, or praised God? A lot of us won't do any of this and then we ask God why does this person have, but we aren’t looking at the small praise or the half praise we give; we got to start giving more of ourselves to him; we got to start taking accountability and stop using God or anything as a scapegoat to our failure to be dedicated to what is right.

    Mark 8:23-24 He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When he spit on the man’s eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?”24 He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.”

    One day, Jesus went to heal a man, and when he did, Jesus made mud over the guy's eyes. He said what do you see the man said everyone looks like trees walking around, Jesus could’ve left him seeing everyone like this; he could’ve said Well, this is what you have. I'm done for today, or he could’ve even said Well, at least you can see something; he could’ve done this halfway. Still, Jesus doesn’t do anything halfway; he doesn’t bless us or free us halfway; the reason why some of us don’t have everything we won't because maybe it isn’t our season, maybe it isn’t what God wants us to have right now but maybe later he will give us what we want but Jesus doesn’t do anything halfway and neither should we but look at what Jesus does after this.

 Verse 25-26 Once more, Jesus touched the man’s eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything. 26 Jesus sent him home, saying, “Don’t even go into the village.”

   He goes back, and he stores the man's sight; he saw everything; this is what Jesus wants to do in some of our lives right now; he wants us to see the sin in our lives; he wants us to see him clearly, and he wants us to walk in it but what happens is we don’t want the full touch of Jesus because we know once we have it we will see what we are doing and how we handling things aren’t the way Jesus wants us to handle it.

    This week, we talked about being on fire for God having a big blaze; we can't have a big blaze if we are halfway doing anything or won't take accountability for our actions, and once we have this big blaze, the desire for God will grow ,the desire to dwell where he is will grow ,because we are finally allowing God to be enough and letting go of the things of this world, what are we doing to capture our blaze are we dwelling in his presence ,are we allowing him to feed us spiritually with his word ,or do we doubt his ability to be enough where ever you are in life every day ask God what is it that you can work on to change what you're doing and he will help you.

     *** Today, we talked about taking accountability and finishing what we have started; a lot of us have gifts and talents that God has given us, and we won't use them; we only use them when we feel like it; some of us have blessings that we feel are incomplete, but they're not, God is going to give us what he feels we can handle and give us what we need, sometimes we have to stop looking at maybe it’s this or that and say no maybe its me , I cannot commit to something real and true, sometimes committing scares some of us even in the smallest way we get so scared because we don’t want to break it or we don’t want to mess up.

    We all will stumble and have problems, and that’s why God is there to show us the way. A lot of times, we don’t want him to because we don’t think he’ll understand or that he’ll do it right. Still, whatever God does in our life, we must understand he's doing it for us, not to hurt us but to help us along the way; this week's lessons have taught us so much, and the one thing we can take away from theses devotionals is that we need to dwell. We need to be satisfied only by Jesus, not in other things but in him. ©Seer~ Prophetess Lee

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PRAYER

========================

Heavenly Father, help us hear you when you speak and help us take accountability for our actions, not doing anything halfway but doing it with all our hearts. God, we give you everything, and we ask you to show us our errors; lord, we thank you for allowing us to understand your word this week; we ask you to show us the way into your presence; lord, we praise you for the good and the bad. God, thank you for always showing us the way and helping us. In Jesus' Name Amen 

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REFERENCES 

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+ Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

 

+ Romans 14:12 So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.

 

+ Proverbs 15:22 Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

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FURTHER READINGS 

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Proverbs 29

Job 22

Isaiah 29

2 Thessalonians 1

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[doitsushine92]

i ranted a little bit about shauna and taissa whatevership just now on my private twitter account but i would like to also share it here

disclaimer: i am actually a very smart individual capable of stringing a coherent thought together, but unfortunately i am burned out from work and so my ramblings are looking more and more like the scribblings of a madman

here's what i said on twitter, in bullet points to showcase each tweet:

their whatevership is so important to me

okay wait sorry but i can't stop thinking about them. their friendship is so deeply rooted in taissa willing to do anything for shauna, no matter what, shauna constantly at the edge (of violence, of the cliff, of herself) and taissa, no quite reeling her in, not quite allowing it

teen taissa wanting allie off the team for nationals and shauna damn near supporting her but not quite. taissa figuring out shauna's pregnancy and being there for her, being her confidant, willing to perform an abortion in the middle of the woods because she didn't want shauna

to suffer or god forbid die alone, how she caved to It and the prayers and the cult and clasped hands with van and PRAYED to the wilderness to save shauna, how she repeatedly told shauna to go outside and talk to jackie. taissa being right behind shauna when they find jackie

holding shauna together in her arms. how she drew the line the second she found out shauna was playing pretend with jackie in the shed and decided it would be best to cremate her, knowing it was for shauna's sanity

but it's also how taissa confided in shauna with her sleepwalking, confessed that she didn't feel safe, that she blamed herself for the wolf attack, and how shauna offered to sleep with her to keep her and the others safe, to make sure taissa didn't go wandering off at night

as adults, taissa being willing to dismember and spread the corpse of adam because shauna asked. their little not-sleepover where they talk about their lives. taissa admitting to shauna her own shortcomings as a wife and a mother.

the bond they share.....

it's like. if misty and nat are hand in unlovable hand then shauna and taissa are hand in i-wont-let-you-lose-yourself hand

but also they don't talk ever as adults which is so adults yellowjackets coded. these women are so fucked up fundamentally they truly lost themselves in the wilderness

and while/after typing all of this out i thought to myself that their friendship seems a little one-sided, or at least like taissa has somehow done More? but a) this show is really good at re-contextualising things so im sure we will see more of their bond in coming seasons, b) i don't think shauna is quite really the best at showing her true emotions, so that might play into it, and c) even so, shauna did something really important by helping taissa being able to sleep at night, she helped her be able to sleep at night with herself, allowed her to have a semi-clean conscience.

i could probably talk more about them but again burnt out and tired and unable to formulate sentences just. *gnaws at my cage* taissa and shauna friendship

[alovelettertonow]

It is 10:39 PM. It is incredibly humid outside, amplifying the smells of cow manure by 1000x. While this condition is not ideal, the vapor-saturated air also brings out the delicious smell of our local chocolate factory and the sweet aroma of the apple orchard that everyone in my small central Pennsylvania town is welcome to enjoy. It is difficult to imagine that, in just 70 days, I will be moving away from the charming town I grew up in, where cows outnumber people, and the locals indulge in ‘garage parties’- the practice of setting up lawn chairs in your garage in the late evening, when the heat has finally subsided, and inviting everyone within a 5-mile radius to stop by and have a beer. In 2 months, I will be saying ‘goodbye’ to my part-time position at the local retirement home and moving to a quaint liberal arts college in New England. At first glance, the environments of these two places that I will call ‘home’ are completely different and incompatible. My home-town- extremely conservative with wide swaths of farmland and lovingly coined the “Amish capital of the world” , versus my college town- a very, very progressive, mountainous region with many cultural events and arts performances. They epitomize the difference between a “small-town” feel and a “college-town” feel. Hopefully, after being there for a few months, I will come to realize that they are not so different. And, if they are different, maybe that’s okay. My goals as I begin this blog are varied and many. First, I want to get better at writing. I have an extremely difficult time articulating my thoughts. I figure that making a coordinated effort to write might improve my skills, so I feel on-track when I begin my first semester of college. While I attempted to write in a google doc, I found I wasn’t able to hold myself accountable, and that perhaps posting on a public forum would be helpful. Next, my difficulty with articulating my thoughts, unfortunately, lead to a certain dependence on Chat GPT, undoubtedly making my writing worse that it had been before I discovered that God-forsaken app. Reason 3- I just got a new computer for college, and the keyboard is huge. I need to practice writing on a keyboard that is 1.5x wider than what I’m used to. Finally, I wanted to blog so I could share my life, give advice, get advice, and stay in touch with those at home who are interested. I know many bloggers have a certain “genre” that they stick to- they might comment on the news, spirituality, or they may even share recipes. Maybe one day I will think of a genre, but I think for now, I’ll just share about my life. Let’s start with today.

I woke up this morning at 5:15 so I could get to my 6:15 shift. Anxiety will likely be a topic I touch on quite frequently. The thought of dishing out grapefruit and prunes in the morning nearly sent me over the edge, and I couldn’t sleep. To be fair, I am a new employee- I started about 3 weeks ago. Each “number” on the schedule has different job duties, and I had never done those duties before… how was I supposed to know how many grapefruit sections to put into a dish???? It’s three. As expected, everything was just fine, although I accidentally interrupted a table while they were in the middle of praying. Sorry! I really love my job so far, and I can only hope that I keep enjoying it. When I got home, I was determined to read a good section my book, but I ended up napping. Trying to enjoy the little things that make me human. Listening to country music on the car ride home because something about the heat makes me crave a southern twang. Rushing up to my room right as I get home so I can turn on my AC and hope it cools down my room in time for bed. Sitting on the back porch with a cozy blanket, even though it is a bit too hot for that. Seeing the firefly’s twinkle in the backyard and pretending not to notice my neighbors moving around outside. Making plans with friends now that we are finally free. I am in love with life.

Today, my best friend gifted me this plush for my dorm room. His name is Apollo. ☀️

[sheisaloneandlonley]

...

"Man, I wish I hadn't killed myself. Those people down there really loved me."

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

I want to die

I want to die

I want to die

I want to die

I think about it a lot, and I know I am not unique in it. It's a rising sentiment. There are thousands of us, even still knowing that understanding that fact, this feeling is completely isolating. There's no way someone could be this sad they pray to not wake up in the morning, consistently. I'm not even the only one in this family who thinks it. How the hell do I not have company? How am I so alone.

.....

I think I have sundowners, I only get like this right before Im trying to go to sleep.

My mom doesn't like it when I talk. But my dad does, but he doesn't really like me, well neither of them really do...but he listens and thinks it's interesting what I have to add...but my mom gets mad

.....

"It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, mom"

This is why fake it to you make it isn't working this is why faking it is making it worse this is when you need to realize that grass on he other side is astroterf and the sun has heated it to burning, it is not an appropriate place for a picknic. There is no keeping up with the Joneses here...this illness is chronic and I can't continue to give energy to a future that is unatanibly green as the fact plastic on the other side.

....

My mom says I'm good at making something out of nothing. So I say nothing and I say nothing and I say nothing and Drs get away with assault and murder and my boss gets away with sexual harassment and my God father gets away with calling me a joke and I say nothing and I say nothing and I say nothing and when it's to much and the cracks in the damn break and all the abuse I have shouldered silent come out of me in a torental fit a barrier that can no longer hold back the hurt mom has the audacity to be shocked at all that I've had to endure and she has the nerve to make me guilty of keeping my silence so I say nothing and I say nothing and I say nothing how much is truly her fault and how much is mine? Mom says you make something out of nothing and then asks me for stories....and how much should I be able to lay at her feet and how much can I take accountability for? Blame. How much is hers and how much is mine.

....

It occurred to me that someone must wonder why I am so obsessed with my mom but she made herself all I had once, she made herself paramount in my life. At one point my mother was the only kind touch in my world and I wonder if she felt power in denying me that. I wonder if she isolated me on purpose or accidentally and I wonder which is worse, and I convince myself it doesn't matter because the end result is the same. The cornerstone of my life is my mother's approval and it is exhausting digging down to replace it.

...

As low as she makes me, she makes me as high. She is still a safety net. She still will catch me, reassure me that no matter how badly I've blundered she will pick me up. And she is the only one who is this unwavering, no matter how sad she makes me, she still loves me. No matter how much she doesn't understand me she still loves me. No matter how much hate I feel it's still love underneath all of it. And I don't want to remove her as my cornerstone, but I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

....

My cousin blocked me after I was posting about being sick, I think that's why. Idk. My mom told me, my cousin said she'd rather die than be in my shoes. But I'd rather die too. I'd rather be dead. I want to die, I don't want to be sick, I'm not enjoying this and I'm not gonna hide it for everyone's convince, and now I feel rejected. I feel abandoned. She's sick too she's like me, and I was so excited to have comrodery. I was so happy to not be alone in this illness. And she just....it's a boundary and I will respect it. But "can't I have something that's just mine" seriously? I'm so upset. I'm mad and I'm sad and I want to throw things so they break and I want to die. And I feel like an idiot screaming it's not fair. I didn't want to be so so alone. I'm so alone. Everything sucks and I wanna die. I just, this isn't anything close to what I had pictured for myself, and I don't know how to pivot. I don't know how to roll with this anymore. I don't know how to go with the flow of this hand life delt me. And I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. And I don't have the energy to pretend anymore. I just want to die. I'm so tired. And no matter how much sleep I do or don't get, I'm exhausted and fumbling for what to do. I'm not getting better. I'm stagnet and getting worse. I'm getting worse and the worse I get the more people leave

A d the more people leave the worse I get. And it's the ugly endless cycle that I'm being eaten up by and I don't know what to do.

My Nino said I was a joke. And I knew he thought that, and it wasn't surprising to have that confirmation. I feltlike I should have had more of a reaction. And I justified it in my mind as him not being to serious about it.reverce psychology or somethkng. But now that my cousins are cutting me off, now that it's my generation and the one after, now that it's the ones who have gone through this same hell, now that theyre not here for me. Now I'm so madsadsickx about this. He called me a joke, to my face. He called me a joke to my face. I'm not. I'm sick. I'm in heart failure, I'm actively sick and I'm struggling so hard to get better. And I'm a joke. And I just I'm so so so so so so so so so so so so so so upset

I want to die and I can't. Because I have responsibilities, and people who would be sad. A nd I resent them. I resent the hell out of them for making me stay here with all of this. I don't know how to let this go. I want to be happy, but it's so much of an impossibility that I don't even think about it. There's no way to that outcome anymore. Theres none of that for me. And I just don't want to even try. I'm so fucking depressed I can't even get out of bed most days and I'm so fucking disappointed that I wake up and have to keep doing this. I don't want to do this anymore, but I don't have a choice. I'm so tired.

I asked for this. I asked God to let me shoulder the burden of suffering I asked for this I prayed for this I was so obsessed with stigmata and miricals and saints and I wanted to help like them. I fucking prayed for this. And now look at me.

...

I started writing goodbyes in my head. I started with my mom, then Alda, then my dad....which got a little mean, and a lot more vindictive, and then I got to Madison and I couldn't do it, not even in my head. I couldn't stop repeating I'm sorry to her. There's no one I lobw more in existence, I know what the big bang felt like because of how I love her. Every love I've felt before her is so different in comparison. Like I was looking at the world through dirty scratched up sunglasses, then Madison happened and my heart exploded open BANG it's the truest love. I can't understand how my mom and Ron treat her sometimes. She is joy personified even when she's being "bad" and I can't say a permanent goodbye to her. I can't make her sad like I'm sad. When my brother made the attempt I was devastated, I couldn't stop crying for days. If he has successfully done anything I think I wouldn't be far behind. I can't do that to them. I could consider it when it was just brother, because he would understand right, he knows what this feels like he knows how hard it is to keep going. He would forgive me. But Madison is too little I can't do that to her she wouldn't understand. I can't be sorry enough about it. I can't be that dark spot in her life. I can't do that to her. I love her so much and I want that to be enough...it has to be. It has to be! She's so good, she deserves so much better than what life is for her. She deserves siblings who aren't suicidal and parents with endless patience. And adoration and so much more love. And I can't do that to her. The guilt has to be enough, even if the love isn't. Because it's easier to hang into, to feel. Especially right now. I didn't feel better trying to outline a goodbye to her and realized I loved her too much to do it, I was just too guilty about the outcome. What if that guilt and shame doesn't go away after you die. What if you have to just exist with it indefinitely. What if God decided that was my hell. You destroyed your sister's love, now you have to carry that around for eternity. ....... It's worse right then being miserable alive? Right?

Is DISPAIR worse than guilt? No... It can't be. How the hell are these my only options? How did I end up here? What did I do? This feels like a punishment.

...

I was okay when it was my Nino, I was okay when it was my Tia Tweety and Jessica, it hurt a lot and I was sad, but I was okay.

I'm not okay now that it's my Nina...She baptized me, she did my confirmation, her laugh was my favorite sound in the world. I felt so good when she called me "my Sandra" I'm not okay. I know grief does weird things to people...I know her daddy died. I know how hard that was she was in charge of all of that. But I would never want her to feel the way she's making me feel. Is there a word for the saddest sad? It doesn't seem to encompass this feeling.

Remember when I was your favorite? How can you not remember that? How can you not remember who I am to you or who I am as a person. How did I get here? What did I do? Why do they hate me. I swear I swear I didn't do anything!

Did you ever see the movie Gravity? When Dr Ryan Stone gets thrown off structure in space? And all she can yell in her panic is "What do I do?!" Yeah....yeah.

...

I want to die it it to be not my fault.i want my Tata to come get me, I want my Nana to come get me. I want my Nana to come get me. I want my baby doggies to come get me, my Kisha baby and my baby Miss Eva

I want it to not me by fault so no one can blame me. And I want someone who loves me to come get me. And I screaming as loud as I can in my head "please come get me, please please" please let it be like the TV shows, please let them come and hold my hand and call my name and come get me. Please let me be so happy to see them, and them me and were reunited with joy and love and the take my hand when they come get me. Andnim not punished for wanting it and I'm not punished for doing it to myself. And they're just a little bit upset that noone stopped me or that jonone noticed how bad it was for me.

I thought I heard my Tata calling me last week. I was just waking up, and I thought he was standing outside my door and he called me, like he needed me to do something. Like he needed my help. I thought I heard him... I thought he was going to tell me something. Maybe about the dogs? Or my car? Maybe I had mail? Or maybe he has gotten pizza and wanted to let me know. I was awake and I heard him call me, and I just forgot he was dead in my foggy state I'm always in when I wake up. But I didn't open the door when I got to it. I heard my Tio ferny and turned around and went right back to bed. I want him to call me away, I think if I had opened the door....I think he might have been standing there, maybe he would have offered his hand, maybe I would have just dropped dead on the spot. Maybe I missed him too much, maybe

I spend so much time being sad, I'm wasting this finite resource. I do think I enjoyed the time I had to be happy well enough, I think I took it for granted that my default was willing to see the silver lining. I think I'm blowing it. It's beautiful outside. My dogs love me. I'm not expected to do anything but exist in this space, I

And I'm wasting my time being sad! And I can't stop, and I'm frustrated, and then sad, and then frustrated. And every feeling that I have is colored by this base feeling and it sours everything else. And it doesn't matter how long I go without falling back down here to my sadness, because I'll always end up here again. And I can't look at it like yin and yang, like there's a balance to this, because this is too much! When I know this is my default when I know that I'll end up here over and over again. There isn't enough time or resources that'll make any of this balanced out! And whatever comfort I have I can't enjoy enough because it's been colored by this eventually. And anyone who's loved me knows that and they're no longer giving me the time, because they know it's wasted!

My Nino said if I died tomorrow he'd be sad, but he'd get over it. I'd end up a little pocket picture on my ninas shelf and that would be the end of me. My Nino, the "good" father figure in my life. That I only had my Nana and Tata who truly "gave a rats ass about you"

And my Tata is dead and maneuvers me into a worst position before he died. If they are the only ones who truly cared for me...it feels minimal.

I can't stop chastising myself for feeling so childish. I understand nuance and complexity. But I can't stop thinking about how unfair all of this is. I can't stop thinking that I should be loved unconditionally, that I have a right to ot. That it was given to me so freely for so long by so many...and it was pulled out from under me and how much that hurts...it's not fair...and I can't make due with what little I have left, and that's making me lose more...and I would beg if it would make a difference, if that's how loved actually worked I would beg! Pride be damned! I would do it...but I know better...and I know that these feelings are coloring the things I do in my day to day and it's making me bitter and making everything worse and I don't know what to do, because I need more then I'm getting and I don't know how to fill this deficit, or how to adapt to it.

....

I see people like Kay (Kay and Taylor from tt) struggling with chronic illnesses and mental health, and she has such a good life, such a good support system and there are so many things going for her, and she still struggles so hard... And with all that's going on for her she still has a hard time, and I think oh God, I don't even have that kind of support, not even close and if she's struggling with that, then how the hell do I have a chance to even begin to cope?

[waynecowles]

Adjust Your Antenna - Nathele Graham - twotug@embarqmail.com

“Quench not the Spirit.” 1 Thessalonians 5:19.

I’m going to date myself here. When I was a young child, my family didn’t have a television set. When we finally got one, we had to get an antenna. That antenna went on the roof and captured the signals to give us a picture. We only had three stations, but occasionally we could get a fourth station. Quite often, the picture was full of snow, and sometimes there was a problem with the vertical hold. There were buttons and dials on the TV set to adjust these problems, Sometimes, the problem was more serious than a button on the television set could fix. So, we had to adjust the antenna. The truth is, Christians need to adjust the antenna so we can receive a very clear signal from God. If you aren’t receiving a clear signal, then you need to adjust your antenna. The signal is clear, but the receiver is flawed.

In modern times, most people have at least one television set. Instead of an antenna on the roof, we pay for cable Those cable providers choose what you pay for. Sadly, even the children’s channels, promote things that aren’t Biblical. You might only watch the “good” channels, but you still pay for and support the channels that promote sin. The signal may be clear, but the signal is coming from an evil agenda. Is there a lesson to be learned? We need good reception from God in order to have a true Christian walk. Just like you pay for the sinful channels on cable TV, sin comes with a cost. I choose not to have television. It’s way too expensive and I don’t want to pay for channels that promote sin. I do have a television and a DVD player We buy DVD’s and are able to choose what we pay for. I’m becoming more and more convicted that I shouldn’t pay money for these. Even though the movie might have a good plot with no foul language, violence, or sinful lifestyles, I don’t like spending my money to support the personal lives of the actors and actresses who are ungodly in their lives.

In the first chapter of Romans, I read about what happens to a nation when the people fail to recognize God as the Creator and begin to worship the creation rather than the Creator. He turns them over to a reprobate mind. I believe Scripture and have no doubt that God created everything. I’m far from perfect, but I don’t take pleasure in sin. Am I still taking pleasure in the sin of others when I buy movies with stars who embrace sin? Paul tells us “Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.” Romans 1:32. I need to be sure my antenna is adjusted properly.

Brothers and sisters, it’s important that we all adjust our vertical hold and start looking up. Instead of walking with one foot in the world, stop accepting Satan’s lies as truth. We need to tune out the snow that fuzzes our understanding, by studying Scripture and listening to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. It’s easy to watch a TV show or movie that’s supposed to depict Biblical events, but they all take an “artistic license” and tweak God’s word to make it more entertaining. When I met my husband, he wasn’t a Christian, but his favorite movie was the Ten Commandments. It’s a good movie, but doesn’t follow the Biblical account accurately.

I told Ron “If you like the movie, you really need to read the book”. Eventually, he did study Scripture and that taught him to adjust the vertical hold and tune out the snow that confused God’s truth. When the nation of Israel came back to a right fellowship with God, Solomon built the temple. He listened to God and received a directive that Christians need to heed today. “If my people, who are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways: then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14. That was true for Israel, and it’s true for America and all nations. Too many Christians embrace sin, but expect God’s blessings. We need to tune our hearts to God...adjust our antenna…and turn from our wicked ways.

Many of God’s truths are being obscured with the “snow” caused by a mal-adjusted antenna. One of those truths that seems to get blurred, is God’s relationship with Israel. He is not done with Israel. Make no mistake, Christians have not replaced Israel. Many prophecies have been fulfilled regarding Israel, and more are on the verge of being fulfilled. The horrible events that happened in October 2023, have triggered prophetic events. The United Nations has turned against Israel, and blame them for retaliating against Hamas.

I’m ashamed to say that this is also true of America under the current president. The heinous attack Hamas did to Israel was inexcusable. Israel is not usurping the rights of the “Palestinians” but have returned to the land God gave to Abraham forever. Forever means exactly that…for ever and ever, Amen. There is a promise of blessing to those who bless Israel. “And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.” Genesis 12:3.

As America turns more and more against God’s truths, we are being blessed less and less. Shame on us. I will never forget the sick feeling in my stomach when I saw then president Obama, bow to a Muslim leader. I was also sickened by his mockery of Jesus. As Americans prepare to vote, we must adjust our antennas to hear God and obey.

It's clear that America was blessed for many years, but recently that has changed. Christians are afraid to stand up for God’s truth as if we are ashamed of Him. “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.” Romans 1:16.

Sadly, many people who claim to be Christian, and sit in pews on Sunday mornings, seem to be ashamed of Christ the rest of the week. We’ve elected politicians who oppose God’s ways, and oppose Israel. How can we expect anything other than curses? Abortion isn’t seen as murder, but deemed a “woman’s right” to choose. Maybe her choice should have been made before the baby was conceived. Men who rape should be punished instead of murdering the baby. We all need to be responsible for our choices. We need to study and understand Romans chapter 1.

Schools teach our children they come from pond scum then we expect them to understand morality. Gender is determined at the time of conception, and not a choice that comes later. Yet many teachers conspire to help children make poor choices, then help to get hormone drugs to attempt to alter what they are, and then help them find a quack who will help them mutilate themselves. If you find this offensive, you are called a hater.

Gay marriage isn’t marriage at all in God’s eyes, but is merely two men or two women who have no sense of right and wrong engaging in government sanctioned sin. Do you approve of all the sin? Let me repeat what Paul said about those who may not participate in homosexuality, but don’t oppose it. “Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.” Romans 1:32. God clearly gives “rules” to live by, and when we reject those rules, we reject Him. If you say you’re a Christian, you need to honor God with your life choices. “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 6:23.

Jesus will forgive all sin, but sinners who seek forgiveness must adjust their antenna to hear God loud and clear and follow Him. Repentance and faith in Jesus are necessary for eternal life. “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.” Romans 12:1. Tune your life to the Holy Spirit; He will never lead you into sin. If you feel led to do something opposed to God’s word as found in Scripture, then you’re listening to the voice of Satan.

Many pastors have failed by watering down sermons to appease the congregation and not endanger the tax exemption by preaching politically correct rather than Biblically correct sermons. I have to wonder what god they serve…. God almighty, or the god of the world. Brothers and sisters, it’s important that we stop walking with one foot in the world. We need to adjust our antenna in order to hear God speak, then obey His word. We can’t remove ourselves from the world, because that takes away our witness to the lost. I have never understood those who enter a convent or a monastery and take a vow of silence. How can they fulfill the Great Commission by isolating themselves and keeping silent? The final words from Jesus as He ascended to Heaven were to “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.” Matthew 28:19-20. You cannot obey this command while keeping silent.

How do we get our spiritual antenna adjusted? We stop embracing the world. Instead of basing your faith on television preachers, or Hollywood’s depiction of Scripture, study it for yourselves. The Holy Spirit is sealed within Christians and He will not lead you astray. Satan is the ruler of this world and will always make static when we try to study Scripture and serve God. He has twisted God’s words since he convinced Eve to eat the forbidden fruit. He put doubt in her mind about what God really said, then lied about why God didn’t want Adam and Eve to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. “For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:5.

Satan convinced her to believe his lie rather than God’s truth. Sin may look tempting, and Satan may sugar-coat it, but there is no lasting pleasure in sin. It can ruin your life and put a wall between you and God. That’s when most people stop reading Scripture and praying. Their faith becomes stale and life seems hopeless. That’s when you need to pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. When you get to this point, you need to adjust your antenna and dig deep into God’s word. The Holy Spirit will guide your study, but you need to hear His voice. “Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God, that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God. Which things also we speak, not in the words which man’s wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth: comparing spiritual things with spiritual. But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.” 1 Corinthians 2:12-14.

In other words, be careful who you allow to teach you God’s truth. Not everybody who claims understanding is led by the Holy Spirit. Run all teachings through Scripture. Take a lesson from the people of Berea. “These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so.” Acts 17:11.

Remember, Scripture at that time was only found in the Old Testament. Don’t neglect to study both the Old and the New Testaments.

What is the antenna that makes Scripture clear? The Holy Spirit. He is the third person of the Holy Trinity and He will never lead you into sin. “But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit; for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea the deep things of God.” 1 Corinthians 2:9-10. He is sealed within every Christian at the time of true faith. He will lead and teach us as we search Scripture daily.

Don’t quench the leading of the Holy Spirit, but adjust your spiritual antenna to hear Him clearly.

God bless you all,     

Nathele Graham

twotug@embarqmail.com

Recommended prophecy sites:

www.raptureready.com                                              

www.prophecyupdate.com

www.raptureforums.com

All original scripture is “theopneustos” God breathed.

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[bitches-and-bucket-hats]

17:24 09/06/24 London UK

the last time i posted on this blog i was 19. i read the tags i left under the posts i reblogged, heartbroken about some boy i liked. i didnt use any names or any defining features, and i cant even pin down who i was speaking about by looking at the date. since these posts ive not felt anything for anyone (apart from a 'crush' i hit on a few times out of boredom, mental illness, and most notably drunken carelessness). since these posts theres been a pandemic, 2 degrees, lost friendships, and a bout of true self destruction that my 2014 self would pride herself on.

im now 23 with scars normally seen on someone 10 years younger, an unshakable prison of guilt due to my theorised alcoholism, and most confusing of all, an impenetrable wall of intimacy. i prayed and hoped into the universe to stop me from feeling what i did in these posts and now i find myself not sure if love exists for me. in one of the tags i said "dont fall into anyone else but yourself". 4 years later i cant ask for help despite my safety being in danger, and im so removed from romantic feelings im ashamed viewing or thinking about anything connected to intimacy. i wanted the feeling to go away but i failed to realize that feeling was what kept me on earth, what made me 'mortal' or applicable to the rules of the world. i feel like a god, an elusive figure with different standards and manifestations as everyone else. i fail to exist in the world i logically know im in. i feel guilt on every action every step i take and when i hold back on doing anything out of fear i hyperfixate on things ive done in a drunken rage for any connection to a human because of the starvation in my sober 'existance'. i feel as if i went into covid and died there. i never fully came back. i felt romantically and sexually stunted, but made progress in drunken nights, i felt like a party girl who loved a good time. now i know im an unloveable alcoholic. i felt as if the time i needed to settle into my progress and discovery is gone. it was stolen from me. i had hope and wit and intelligence and fun; and none of these survived the fire. i was about to write about how i have had good experiences learning about myself but i am wrong! i have had those but this does not account for the disturbance we had that left nothing behind. the sprouts didnt survive the frost. i wasnt given enough time to figure it out. I am so angry at the world for taking this from me and yet all i feel is sadness and a lack of control.

talk in general about my pain but its about the capability of recieving love. something i know i do not deserve or am capable of. if this is to be read by anyone other that myself do not tell me otherwise because i do not believe in your words or sentiment and i believe you are a mortal in a mortal world and i am simply not able to function in the same way as you. i believe i am fundementally different to you in that my story, as given by the universe, does not function in the slightest bit in the lens of romance and love. i show up in other colors of the universe but the red of love, i disappear. i fear my life i have hurt myself so much ive disrupted my chances of making it out, and i grasp onto the one person that revealed the smallest glimmer of hope that i could exist in this world. and trust me reader when i say glimmer i mean the smallest flash of hope, its even foolish to put it into words. i do not feel fundamentally flawed and incapable of love, i have graduated to feeling as if the human pleasures and desires are not my calling, and i am doomed to live in a world in which i do not exist. how the fuck do i live in a world that i do not exist? i exist in moments, sure, but my self is not realized or even has the potential to be fully realized.

how do i accept my existence as a being incapable of giving and receiving love? but more importantly, how do I stop feeling so lonely?

[f--ck]

When I was young, I watched my parents fought all the time. One time I wriggled my way between my mom & dad, while my dad attempted to strangle her. I never hated either of them, I never blamed them for not giving me a memorable childhood, but I remember telling myself that when I grow up, I would never become like either of them. I was jealous of other kids, & at times I admit I resented my parents a little because while other kids get to have fun after school at the playground, I had to be an adult - I had to put my priorities in order, get home & do my chores, make sure my brother & I had enough food at home & just be that good kid so hopefully my parents wouldn’t fight over us. I knew I had to at least be the “normal” child, because my brother could never; he was the subject of my parents’ anger & resentments, the reason they fought all the damn time. While my parents tried everything they could to ensure my brother grew up fine, I ended up tolerating the unfair treatment between us. I tolerated when my parents demanded that I bear the burdens of the family without my brother’s contribution. I tolerated when my parents insists I share my stuff that I paid for myself, with my brother even though he has taken countless times from me without asking, without giving it back, without taking care of it. I tolerated all those hurtful words they spew, when they said I grew up in comfort while my bother suffered alone, when they said I wasn’t understanding or generous enough towards my brother. I think I came to hate my brother after that, & I probably still do now. I was gaslighted to believe that I was the reason why my brother turned out the way he did so in some ways, I should payback for what he has gone through even though I knew that it was illogical of me to be blamed for his actions & choices.

Now why did I preface this story with the above? Because I brought my childhood trauma into my relationships. I tolerated disrespect thinking they didn’t mean it & it was just the anger bursting through. I tolerated having my boundaries breached, thinking they wouldn’t take my graciousness for granted, because I never hold them accountable for their actions in hurting me. I tolerated being used, thinking that I’d be appreciated more for doing & giving things unconditionally without needing or wanting anything in return. I tolerated violence, thinking it was just a mistake & they wouldn’t repeat it as they’ve promised. I’ve tolerated everything I could, & I kept tolerating it, even till now. Even though my parents were my role models for everything I never ever wanted to be, at the end of the day, I thank them for making me who I am - because I don’t think anyone else who is deserving of the bare minimum would have tolerated this much. This was my strength; for being able to tolerate what most people wouldn’t or couldn’t. But alas, this was also my greatest weakness of all, because I never learned to love myself.

They say that, the best revenge is moving on & living your best life, & that God will heal you in front of your enemies. But sometimes, I’d imagined the worst possible revenge & wished it upon my enemies, even if I’d never act on it. I’d feel guilty all the same, but then again, it sure feels good to at least imagine someone suffer for all the wrongs they did to me. I’ve always silently hope & pray that they’d look back on how they’ve treated me, & realize what they’ve lost. Despite all the bad people said, I’ve always chosen to focus on the good side of them, & it hurts that I could see their potential to be good from the start, but they never tried hard enough to be the person I knew they could be when they were with me. Only after people lose me do they start acting right, do they start being the person I know they are capable of being. Why can’t they do this from the start, like how I have done for them? If I was faithful, why could they stay faithful as well? If I was kind to them, why couldn’t they show the same kindness towards me? People are never willing to be inflicted with the same pain they’ve been dealing to me - if I wasn’t okay with being hurt, why would you be okay with hurting me the same way then?

I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer. Maybe the problem is me, but I’m done with all the why’s and maybe’s and what if’s. I’m done tolerating. I’m done being the person whom people only realize was great until they lost me. I’m done being an option instead of the only choice. I’m done being the sidewalk instead of the main path. I choose me from now, even if that means being alone. I choose my own happiness even if it means being selfish. I deserve to at least choose me, even if no one else would. I want to believe I deserve to be happy, despite all that’s said & done; I want to be happy. That’s really the only thing I’ve ever wanted. To be genuinely happy over nothing, over everything. Blissfully happy.

[a1997rt]

Rest Day Thoughts

“You can make yourself busy, but it won’t save you from your current situation...unless you surrender it all to God.”

2023 was my most depressive year, I must say. Consecutively, I’d pray to the Lord that He takes me away. I don’t want to live anymore. I just don’t see my purpose.

These prayers are ironic because I’m a licensed minister. I am a preacher of the Word of God, but I long to have eternal rest. I am not really a pastor who’s handling a church, but I serve in a very busy church. A church where you’ll be ashamed if you find yourself not working because almost everyone is working.

Alongside that, with all the work inside the church, I wanted to prove myself something. Growing up as an achiever, I don’t want to settle where I am. So, having two degrees (communication and theology), I wanted to become a licensed professional teacher. To do so, I enrolled in the continuing education program for a Bachelor of Education. It’s not really time-consuming, but the burden of reviewing for the examination exhausts me. I am a little bit pressured, to be honest. Thoughts like “What if I won’t be able to pass? ""Will I become a failure? ""Yuck, a cum laude, but not a board exam passer." Thoughts like that creep into me and keep me awake ‘til the middle of the night.

A licensed minister and a student. But guess what? I added another one. With the degree I’m holding, I’m blessed to be given the opportunity to share my knowledge with the students of the Bible College here as a part-time faculty member. I honestly thought that I’d be teaching only for one semester, but the second semester came, and still, here I am. I really didn’t dream of becoming a teacher (again, an irony of the course I’m taking), but I love being with children; that’s why I accepted the challenge to be so. Office work, plus unnecessary comments (from the church members and our pastor, who is my brother), plus studying lessons, plus meeting deadlines, exhausted me.

So, to lessen those pains, I entered another workload that is in line with my passion: video editing. KC, one of my friends in college, introduced me to OnlineJob.ph. It’s a platform for workers who like to work from the comfort of their homes. While in the middle of creating an account, one of the leaders in the church offered me an opportunity to edit his vlogs, with a corresponding compensation, of course. So, to cut a long story short, I didn’t pursue that online job, but instead, I edited videos, which of course helped me to actually save up for our Thailand trip.

So, that’s it! I am an office worker, a licensed minister, a student, a part-time teacher, and a video editor all at once. But after working all these tiring jobs, I am not financially stable. Just barely surviving, well, at least.

At least.

I pay for my brother’s tuition and sometimes give him his allowance. Paying for my own tuition and allotting myself gas and food allowances. Maintaining “farm things” and food for chickens. EVERYTHING TOOK THE JOY OUT OF MY HEART. I wanted to rest, literally and figuratively.

During our BYB2024 Day 3 session, I was praying to the Lord to take away those thoughts and that He would heal me of all the things that caused me pain. I didn’t walk in front; I just stayed in my place, at the back, on my chair, sitting down. Guess what? Someone whom I never knew came to me and said, “Can I pray for you?” Without hesitation, I said yes. All the words I needed were uttered, and I knew it was the Lord. “The words you have been hearing are all lies. It’s the work of Satan to destroy you. But God loves you, and He wants you to be healed. You can make yourself busy, but it won’t save you from your current situation unless you surrender it all to God. God loves you so much.”

All throughout that night, I was crying. Oh, Lord, forgive me for doubting your creation. Forgive me for asking to take out the life you’ve breathed into me. And thank You for saving me from the deepest sinkhole I am in.

Currently, I am still a licensed minister serving in the multimedia, children, and outreach ministries, an office worker, a part-time teacher, a student, and a video editor. I do household chores and farm chores, but they all give me joy. I am enjoying this season I’m currently in, and I hold on to what the Lord spoke to me during our BYB 2024.

"You are not enough, but God is. You are not able, but God is. He will take you out of the box, out of the denomination, out of your current place. He will place you in the lead, but He will lead you. You will lead a nation, but He will be with you. Do not be afraid, do not be anxious, and DO NOT PANIC. He will take everything away from you, but you won’t regret it because it is Him, He will lead you. And while it is not happening yet, wait, watch, and observe.”

[cimlovesyou]

DNA 1-24-2024: Got Motivation?

This DNA gathering presented the question "how do we place God in our motivation?" or "how do we use our faith to power our motivation?"

Whether you made New Year's resolutions or you’re just trying to improve yourself in some way, for many of us, there always seems to be something that gets in our way. Oftentimes, it’s us!

Why do we struggle with motivation, especially for those of us as Christians? We know what’s good for us, but we keep pushing the good off for later… Or never in some cases.

That “why” might be different for each individual, but the “what” that will help us get out of that funk, is essentially the same. If we insert our faith as the key ingredient to our motivation, we might understand the help we need.

As Christian we understand that we are here with purpose. Our lives are meant for more than just day to day living. We aren’t “basic creatures”. Even our pain has purpose. And that purpose isn’t a one and done deal, then you die. Our lives are FILLED with purpose, living breathing purpose.

Have you ever wondered where God will use you? This is where we find our motivation. Follow me as I attempt to break this down.

It’s the “little” moments that get us to the big moments. 

Picture these scenarios with me, if you will.

Finances: You want to manage your money better. You’re living paycheck to paycheck or simply thinking “I can do so much better than this.”

God ➡ Purpose ➡ Motivation

You want to manage your money better. You develop a plan and budget and put it into action. Five months later your budget is working and you actually have a decent financial cushion.

You run into a family in need and instead of thinking “I really wish I could help, but I’m barely getting by myself”, you’re freely able to act as God’s servant and provide a blessing for that family.

Health: You want to get in better shape and become healthier. You’re struggling with your weight and you just feel awful. Your discomfort makes leaving your comfort zones nearly impossible. 

God ➡ Purpose ➡ Motivation

You want to get in better shape and become healthier. You get into a workout routine and start to practice healthy diet choices. You start to notice overall physical improvement and you feel great!

You’re feeling lighter, happier, healthier and ready to take on whatever comes your way. You feel encouraged to pursue the career you’ve been praying about. God proceeds to use you greatly in said career.

Addiction: You have this horrible addiction and you want to take back control. You know it’s not right and it fills you with insecurity and perhaps shame. You want it to stop, it needs to stop; it just has such a tight grip on you.

God ➡ Purpose ➡ Motivation

You have this horrible addiction and you want to take back control. You decide to look into finding help and join a support group. You start taking responsibility and find ways to hold yourself accountable.

You’re 15 months free from addiction and you meet the person who becomes your partner in life. Even though they accept you and your past, you have zero worries that you might hurt them down the line. You and your partner go on to serve God in ways you couldn’t imagine had you stayed enslaved to addiction.

══════════════════

However you shake it, when we keep in mind that our goals aren’t just casual achievements and changes, but rather purpose-lead, motivation gets a bit of a boost. It’s having that mindset of “I’m going to do better so that I am better prepared to serve the Lord.” That's not saying God can’t use you where you are, but why not give yourself a leg up, if you can? Sometimes we have to be in the right place for blessings to happen.

Having this mindset isn’t going to make the work 1000% easier, but it will change how you look at motivation.

Perhaps it’s time to ask yourself this. What motivates you?

[asmeriaplor]

Sings To What Now?

As I used to say, "Tayong lahat ay tumayo at manalangin", I would start the first part of every Born Again church service with a singing band. I used to be a lead singer in our church ministry. I used to sing praises for Jesus.

My downfall began in September 2021. My relationship with everything has become blurry. I have 69 total missing activities on my Google Classroom account. I got fat. I developed anemia. I had no friends. My family hated me. I was barely sleeping and showering. Depression had taken hold, and it seemed like everything negative was happening all at once.

I found myself going through a phase that many teenagers experience – a rebellion against religion. It was a particularly challenging phase for me. My mom and I would fight frequently and it would always end up with her saying that I am a disappointment for not attending the church and I am turning into a demon. I began skipping numerous Sunday church services and was eventually evicted from our church ministry.

I couldn't help but notice the prevalence of fatphobia among my fellow church members, and the environment felt hateful and toxic. My role as a lead singer in the band suffered, and I endured sleepless nights due to anxiety about being on stage. There were times when I felt so unwell that I experienced fatigue and lightheadedness for an entire day on Saturdays, knowing I had to face the congregation on Sunday. Whenever I go lead-singing, it always feels like my churchmates are not singing to God, but rather singing insults to me. There's this dragging voice that yells "FAT PEOPLE DON'T HAVE A PLACE FOR HEAVEN" and "BEING FAT IS A SIN".

They said serving God is not a responsibility, it's an 'honor'. I wasn't able to keep up with that 'honor'. To be honest, I never saw it as an honor. I had always seen it as a responsibility, a task I have to accomplish, a "tinik sa lalamunan".

I am so guilty, it never felt rewarding to serve. I had questioned God multiple times. I never felt a calling to sing but when I pray for signs if this is really my call, I would always get the same confusing answer. Eventually, I got tired of the confusion. Confusion from the unreasonable actions of my churchmates and the answers of God that always made me question my self-image, not just as an individual, but also as a Christian. I surrendered. I used to say, "Amen", now, I'm an atheist.

[letterstothelord]

I think today, God is trying to give me strength and comfort, and perhaps an urge to read His Word for His promises in my life.

Yesterday, I cried while hugging papa. I was really scared about meeting the fam because it meant facing the reality of my situation around people I don't trust. I'd much rather open up to the youth now that I think about it. I know their heart. They'd think about my well-being. I'm not too sure about this fam. I know ate grace would but yeah, I don't know how I'm going to act once she asks about Elijah. I almost want her to just meet him somewhere and find out that we're not together anymore.

I still can't bring myself to stop praying about Elijah. I still dream about us. Sometimes they are inappropriate but I slap myself mentally because that's the kind of thought process that led us astray.

I have him in my head but not in my reality,

and that's the worst tragedy.

Now I really do think he's more of a backslider than unsaved. It's just that he has unrepented sins. It's funny how before, my reasoning for not liking his drinking (apart from being triggered) is because of what other people would think when I should be thinking about what God thinks more heavily. He already said the drunkards won't inherit the kingdom of heaven. That's probably why he kept saying he's far from that before. He tried to stay off but he enjoys drinking the way he's doing it so there you go. He doesn’t want to go to church because he's too tired but goes to the gym. But then I invite him to do a bible study and he thinks it's cringe. He doesn’t care about going to heaven or hell. I do worry about him but now I don't know what to pray about for him. Am I praying because I care or am I praying because I'm guilty and regretful of my decision? Maybe both. I feel regretful but God assures me that I had my reasons, and they were the right reasons. He also assures me that He answers prayers. The prerequisite is believing in Jesus Christ for salvation. He gives forgiveness to those who sincerely repent. I wasn’t able to help Elijah with that because I had sins of my own. He also didn't have the same willingness to get closer to God. It was difficult. When we stayed more pure, there was a bit of breakthrough. I regret not helping cultivate that.

It was so fragile.

It broke so fast.

Like it was made of glass.

I can't do much about the past. No matter how much I go back to analyse everything, will solving it be beneficial for my future? I'm holding on to my idol again. My own will, right when God says those who are steady in Him will not break at the adversities of life because He has been preparing them for it. Therefore, even if there's 90% of the things in life that I cannot control, God accounts for those and prepares me ahead of time, therefore there is no need to fear or be unprepared.

Key takeaways today is: God is in control, He prepares, and God answers prayers.

I need to cling onto these.

[areyoumissingpieces]

Other People Can Do, Why Can't I?

RANT WARNING

Social media is rough on self esteem. Even before social media I had some of the same feelings.  People are killing it out there so why can't I? People my age are doctors, lawyers, successful small business owners, Olympic medalists ect. I know social media tends to show only the positive, most brag worthy things, but man it’s hard to see the road these people took to get to where they are today.  

Today I was watching some tips and tricks to help me with my next event I will be vending at.  These youtubers, sigh. One lady grew up with parents who vended events for years. At the beginning of her business she was able to piggyback off of her parents' booth. Her first show was very successful. Another lady said that she always had more success at smaller events. To her credit she did say that it is different for everyone. For me I’ve only been able to attend small shows where I’m lucky if I break even.  Small shows means less competition among vendors but also fewer shoppers. Larger shows you run into market saturation. I’m not sure what to think. Maybe the shows I go to are bad? What makes a show bad?

I’ve been following a couple of small business owners on Instagram. I swear every time they launch a new product it is sold out in a matter of a few hours.  How did they get to that stage? I recently posted a bunch of merchandise on my website but nobody wants it or knows about it?   How do I get to that stage where I drop new products then, BOOM it’s sold out? 

I know there are a lot of people out there who make a living off their youtube channel, books, podcasts, ect.  I just don’t know what these people have that makes them so successful.  I still work occasionally for another company that transitioned to online when COVID hit.  They have AMAZING paint tutorial videos! Originally they had posted all their painting tutorials on youtube. People could purchase the box that had all the supplies in it so they could generate some money. However, people didn’t.  Times are hard. A lot of people bought their own supplies and followed the tutorial.  My bosses were not able to get much, if any, financial compensation for their hard work this way.  They now have their videos private with ways to purchase them so they can have some compensation. The point here is that there are other people who do paint tutorials and have all of these followers and patreon subscriptions and make good money.  Their videos are free for people to watch but they have somehow cracked the code on how to monetize them without charging every person who views their content.  

I’ve been plugging away at my business for five years now and am coming to a point where I’m not sure I can do it.  I’ve got a website, social media accounts, in person events, a wholesale account, and other platforms that my items are listed on and yet I’m struggling.  Is there some amount of luck? Am I cursed?  Am I praying to the wrong gods? Am I not supposed to be doing this? Am I holding myself back? Is fear in there somewhere?  Is it something I can’t control like the economy, or people’s taste? Is it an easy fix that I am unaware of? I know running a small business is difficult and taxing. I wasn’t expecting it to be a walk in the park.  I know many small business owners feel the same way I do. I just hope I can figure something out and share the solution.  After all, other people are running successful small businesses. Why can’t I?

[ohmylcve]

something inside nina's heart was making such a confusion on how she was feeling: a part of her wanted to blame him, to make him take accountability for what he had done, to make him name every single bruise he had inflicted on her brain and be sorry for that; the other part though... the other part wanted to hold him. to make sure he was alright and to say it was all okay, that it wasn't entirely his fault, and that she's proud he was able to overcome the whole situation. and honestly, the second part was bigger than anything else, because one thing was true to nina: when she loved someone, the feeling would never go away.

one thing being apart from ben taught her was that being hurt and caring for people were two completely different things. though sometimes anxiety kicked in and made her wish bad things to him whenever she remembered the agony he inflicted over her, there was never truth in those. because as the rainy cloud called anxiety went away, so did those unsaid words, leaving her only with the hope that, one day, his life could be better. wishing he would come back, and not to her, but to himself.

i'm sorry i couldn't have been this version of myself when we were together. the way her heart seemed to have been crushed when he said such a thing... nina didn't hold back the few tears that wanted to go down. reaching for his hand, she knows her forgiveness is essential to his proccess, though she doesn't even feel like she's in that position. "you've been through so much." she says it, finally, eyes not daring to look away from him, breathing out and compressing her lips to fight the urge to crumble in front of him. "all that matters is that you're here. you're still here, after all." she smiles, a kind one, offering him the kind of support she was never able to give. "and i am still here, ben. i want to be here, to support you. that's what i always did... kinda behind your back." she whispers, a fun tone. "i kept in touch with eden. most of the time, whenever i could. i prayed for a god i'm not even sure that exists, just because i wanted you to be safe. that's honestly all i've been ever wishing you." a pause, to gather enough breath to go on. "i'm sorry i gave up, sometimes. i wish i didn't."

ben knew he had destroyed a lot of peoples lives, that he had worried his sisters, that he had broken them. having them find him in the state he was, he wished he could take that back. he was supposed to take care of them, he was supposed to be there for them, not the other way round. the fact that they could have lost him after they lost their mother, he wished he had pushed himself out of that dark place sooner.

he looked in to her eyes as he could see her processing what he was saying. that he didn't want to be here any more, he had wanted to die. he wanted to just make it all end, and losing her was the nail in the coffin. and he never once blamed her for it, none of this was her fault. "i didn't want to pull you down with me." he said and knew he had blown it between them. maybe he would have her support now, but was that going to hurt still? to see her and not be with her, to know that maybe they couldn't be together. he was a different man now, every day was a challenge but he was willing to fight through it, because he never wanted to see that fear in his sisters eyes again.and ben knew his mother wouldn't have wanted any of this, he wanted to do better. "some times you have to really reach rock bottom and i -- i did. to me i lost you in every way, and i understand why. i just wanted it to end. but i'm here, i have a second chance at life and i want to go for it. it's fucking hard, some days i don't think i'll have the strength but i do. i've got meetings, i've got people i can call, got things to keep my busy. i'm just sorry i couldn't have been this version of myself when we were together."

[krestinshe]

instruction and ideas from the Lord about giving

"Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work" (2 Corinthians 9:6-8, NIV).

I've been thinking a lot about giving recently, as I'm going to start earning my first salary soon. I am excited to give, and thankful that God lets us share in the pleasure of giving and promises us rewards that keep growing for eternity.

I want to be intentional with my money (God's money!), so I tried to sit down and create budget targets. Once I started staring at the numbers, however, it seemed hopelessly nebulous how to determine how much I should give and where. This verse provided clarity (not specificity, but nonetheless clarity).

"Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." Many times I have given beyond what was wise or what I was able, while denying it and trying to force cheerfulness. For example, meeting with so many people to the point that I feel like a machine, I don't have space to have any of my own thoughts or prayers, and I am burnt out. Or going too much out of my way to help someone, being inconvenienced to a degree that does not make sense in proportion to the urgency of the other person's need and the closeness of my relationship to them. This does not honor God because I am not acknowledging the reality of who I am, limited and having nothing that I did not receive, in relation to God, the original giver. It is also probably not done in love. If I give away everything I have but do not have love, I gain nothing. And if I look back, if I had not done those things, I suspect those people would be none the worse, and my relationship with them and with God would be all the better.

God has not provided exact instructions on how many dollars or hours to give and which people or communities or organizations to give to. In the past, I've often been frustrated at his seeming withholding of guidance on matters that I would like his guidance on. But after years of trying my best to follow him through the fog of life, I am more able to see how his Word is a light to my path (Psalm 119:105) and he holds me by my right hand (Psalm 73:23), and how thinking about decisions is a precious process of shedding light on what is in my heart and drawing closer to God to seek wisdom, faith, and help to obey.

I want to follow this verse by keeping good communication with my heart, being honest about what extent of giving is truly cheerful, and what is not. We are free from the numerical and heartless reasoning that could endlessly ask "why not more?" I am comforted that it is not wrong to not give everything, and accept God's abounding grace that provides all that we need so that we will abound in every good work.

Another intentionality-serving practice that came into my mind, and has been growing on me ever since, is to not set up automatic monthly donations, but to hold myself to sitting down every month to pray for God's work in different places and give (a predetermined amount or otherwise if God calls). I think this is a good idea for two reasons: One, it would hold me accountable to leaving enough bandwidth in my life to think about and pray for others; and two, the literal act of moving my money away from me and towards another each time would simultaneously challenge any desire to hold onto what I have that has developed and once again move my heart with the money to the other ("where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21)).

I am once again filled with preemptive joy at the thought of being a faithful steward of God's money!

[hieromonkcharbel]

Who will not grieve over me, who has given up the everlasting kingdom for paltry pleasures, disregarding the everlasting fire?

Having given myself over to my passions, I have ruined the integrity of my soul and become a senseless creature.

Once I found myself rich with gifts.

But now I have become a lover of the poverty of the lusts.

I have alienated myself from the virtues and left for a foreign land of pollution.

I am halfway dead, with only a small fraction of life left in me.

This has happened by my own free-will.

I am unable to even lift my eyes up to the compassionate Lord.

O blessed and just ones, grieve for me who am caught up in the clasp of lusts and vice.

O ascetics, grieve for me, a glutton and a hedonist.

O compassion and condescending ones, grieve for me who am stone-hearted and cause much trouble.

O God-pleasers, grieve for me who struggles to please men.

O you have achieved meekness, grieve for me who am easily angered and crabby.

O humble ones, grieve for me who am arrogant and pretentious.

O you who have achieved the non-acquisitiveness of the apostles, grieve for me who am weighed down by my desire for goods, holding fast to material things.

O you who have loved grief and scorned laughter, grieve for me who have loved joking and hated grief.

You who ponder the judgment which comes after death, grieve for me who claims to ponder on the judgment, but works the opposite.

O holy ones of God, pray for my soul which is agitated by all types of lusts.

However much you are able, please help me, O holy ones of God, because I know that if you entreat God, the Lover of mankind, all will be given to you from the ocean of His compassion.

And as our man-befriending God, so as well I, a sinner, entreat you, do not scorn my entreaty.

Because I do not have the audacity to pray to Him on account of the abundance of my sins.

O holy ones, it is your role to intercede for sinners.

It is God's role to have mercy on those who are desperate.

O holy ones of God, pray to the Lord for the prisoner.

Pray to the Pastor for the sheep.

Pray to Life itself for the corpse, so that He may provide His hand to help me and fortify my meek soul in its weakness.

St. Ephrem the Syrian