#and i need to get the fomo under control

[fff777]

guess it's time to filter out exo's ladder 4 for spoilers T_T

[brucequeensteen]

just went a little crazy thinking about all the experiences ive missed out on. oh well. onto better things

[pjo-hoo-toa-freakazoid]

What’s your opinion on Caleo?

Trash.

Why?

The Age difference

Rushed AF

Both are clearly not good for each other.

They both were desperate given their situations.

I hate the excuse of, She’s like a thousand years old but is still stuck at age 15. Like no…she’s physically 15 but mentally she is not. And it’s been stated in the book.

Leo? Leo is completely 15 and waaaay too engrossed in the fact that he was the 7th wheel to realise that relationships don’t happen in a few days.

They both are on different levels of maturity which clashes a LOT. Hurting both of them in the process.

It is so obvious Rick tried to rush this relationship. See the other ships. How there was gradual development.

(in case for Piper and Jason. They were feed memories about having a past together. After that they still tried to maintain a relationship which was worked on gradually. Even if in the end they broke up, they gradually realised this. This was way better than Caleo.)

One week? And they’re in love?

I see no love here. Just desperation.

Both Calypso and Leo were controlled by love (in a way) that they rushed at the given moment to get into a relationship.

For Calypso, it’s because she was doomed to fall in love with anyone that crashed on her island. She couldn’t escape without a partner that loved her. And for Leo, its because he had a bad case of FOMO. He was insecure with his life. He had self loathing problems. Love could’ve helped him, but not only from a partner but from himself as well.

I’m not shaming either one of them. I’m stating why they even got into a relationship.

Love doesn’t always have to be romantic.

Leo’s arc should’ve been about self love. He struggled with self loathing due to his past trauma, his arc should’ve been about him finding love in himself to care for himself. He’s getting his life together in the Waystation, He lost Jason, Piper’s not in his life as much as she was before, and he’s finally finding his people again with Emmi, Jo, Reyna. Maybe let him do that first. Partners could’ve come later in life.

With Calypso here. She’s devoid of the outside world, she was under a curse to fall in love, it was never her choice with who to begin with. She was so lonely. What she needs is to explore life, make friends, be the teenager she never got to be. And it’s good to see she is perusing that (as she’s in band camp now and attending highschool).

Look…they are good together as friends. In fact they are perfect friends!!! I think if they stayed friends, it would’ve fit them better and they’d actually be happy with each other.

Caleo just doesn’t work.

People who ship it. Do whatever y’all do guys. I’m simply stating my opinion here.

[yokohamapound]

Hiya I was wondering if you can do hc of Dazai and Chuuya with a fem! s/o who nit only works with them but also skateboards?

I've never ridden a skateboard in my life and you can probably tell from these headcanons buuut I hope you enjoy them anyway~

Characters: Nakahara Chuuya, Dazai Osamu

Contents: gn!reader

Dazai Osamu

Dazai thrives on information, so he naturally learns all there is to know about the people he’s interested in. It’s very hard to hide anything from him, so even if you decide not to disclose your hobby/sport/favourite form of transport to your colleagues at the Armed Detective Agency, Dazai’s going to find out about it anyway. 

When he first meets you, he’ll notice how well-balanced you are and how good your spatial awareness is. This can come about from several things, but there’ll be more clues as he goes alone. 

If he’s bored, he might just straight up follow you around one day. (Listen, it’s not creepy when Dazai does it, because it’s Dazai.) His suspicions are confirmed when you stroll into the local skate park and greet the other people there like you know them, like they’re your friends. 

He doesn’t really seem to be into sports or much in the way of physical activity—just enough to keep himself fit and agile enough for the job—but he’ll happily lounge on a bench and watch, glancing up now and then from his favourite book. 

That said, he might wheedle you into letting him have a go on your board. He wobbles at first, throwing out his hands to steady himself. It’s all an act, of course, since he’s a fully-trained martial artist, but he does always tend to clown around. 

Dazai gets going, building up momentum as he rattles down the park pathway, building up speed—

It’s only then that you notice he’s heading directly for the railing that blocks off the river, a beatific smile on his face. 

Splash.

Nakahara Chuuya

Koyou might have managed to turn Chuuya from a gutter punk into a well-dressed Mafia executive, but at heart he’s still that street rat kid who likes fast motorbikes and leather jackets. He still rides the bike Albatross gave him, though he only does it off-duty because he feels like he needs to hold up the dignity of being a Port Mafia executive.

Maybe you’re like him, and you only take your skateboard out when you’re off-duty and you don’t have to worry about the opinions of your colleagues in the Port Mafia. If you’ve got subordinates, you don’t want them gawking at you when you stack it and eat dirt—not that you aren’t skilled, but everyone falls on their face now and then. 

How he finds out will depend on if he finds out before or after you start dating. If it’s before, then he likely noticed you had some kind of injury and that you were being cagey about it. Seeing a cast on your arm or a bandage taped to your face is enough to get him demanding answers. (It also reminds him of that idiot, Dazai, which also just feeds his temper.) People get hurt in the line of duty to the Mafia, but he’s already taken you under his wing, and he’s protective of his subordinates. 

If it happens after you started dating, then he probably spotted your skating gear when he came over for the first time. If you’re really into your sport, you might have old, painted and sticker-strewn boards mounted on the wall, bits of repair kit lying around. A Sk8 the Infinity poster on the wall, who knows.

So, what does he think of it?

Well, I think you just found yourself a new skating buddy. Even if he wasn’t into it as a kid, he gets FOMO from watching you. His gravity control lets him master quite a few tricks very quickly, which can be a little annoying when you’ve been practising for god-knows-how-long to improve. However, he’ll make it up to you by using his gravity manipulation to let you skate around like the Silver Surfer. And you never have to worry about falling.

He’ll probably want to skate with you down by the river or somewhere industrial, rather than the local park. Those little baby half-pipes aren’t enough of a challenge.

[laprimera]

alrighty so after some reflection and getting some outside stuff prioritized Im done some blog housework so I can get comfortable here again.

im still gonna continue my hiatus until november cause the rest of October still has a lot of rl appointments and stuff going on. ill be nuking my ask and drafts to get into maximum turtle plot overdrive and just start things clean, but here's the skinny under cut:

. Ive went and cleaned up my followers list. mostly of inactive blogs, non-mutual or blogs that haven't reached out or interacted at all. I use to think I liked a busier dash but I think trying to keep up with it had been giving me anxiety even if my muses weren't involved in anything plot wise. FOMO has been really killing my vibe more then anything and I need to cut that habit out.

you're a-okay to refollow though! I'll do the same. none of this was done out of malice or a personal dislike, and I get being so busy w/ life and personal plots that you cant interact with everyone in a convenient moment. but if you see this as an opportunity to reach out then by all means! that and I might've accidentally unfollowed one or two of you cause side-blog deal, clumbsy thumbs, and uuh, dont mind me realizing that later down the line-my bad!

. unless carefully plotted otherwise, anything outside my own canons, affiliated blogs/mains or plots is no longer canon to my own. any interaction or thread initiated towards my muses will default fall into my lore/verse unless vice versa or its plotted and etc etc. It's no longer just hanging there in the void so to speak. I need to feel more in control of my own narrative I think and trying to puzzle a lot of contradicting outside plots, dash events, etc has been mentally taxing when rp shouldn't be occupying so much space or anxiety to begin with lol.

this isn't to say everything thats happening in the dash or w/ other characters isn't important ofc! and I still want to participate; it'll just fall under a crack/non-canon tag. if things end up lining up p' well with whats going on here then I might take it into canon. This is p' much what I've been doing to begin with, it's just more concrete now and Im being more careful of what Im willing to accept now. Im ofc open to discussing stuff! DMs and disco for those who have it are open always even if I take a moment to get to it!

. Im no longer answering anon asks that are personal in some way, ie, around subject matters that aren't general headcanons asks or 'hey how do you feel about-' sorta deal. I dont feel comfortable taking it to public and while I understand having the fear of being identified, it's not fair if I'm the only one bearing the subject so to speak. If you want to talk to me through DMs you can either tell me your UN (no burners either) so I can bypass permissions here to chat or you can reach me at @shiny-miltank where my IMs are not barred to mutuals only. I don't bite really! and my discord is not public. tbh Im still very anxious about being on disco to begin w/ cause social anxiety flare ups. idk tumblr dms always seemed easier to chat until I know you on a personal basis-its just worked that way.

. making it more strict that you dont? put my geeta in place of plots, events, etc that I havent participated or plotted with, nor can you make assumptions for them based on said events. as slapped on every piece on my about/rules/pinned/etc shes heavily canon-divergent to begin with so no one knows her intentions/actions (save for me ofc) and wont act in what presumed canon-geeta would do or your own version so to speak. easy enough to slap me an IM for "is it okay to-", plotting, or just make a nebulous npc stand-in.

. things that havent changed are the use of my lore and headcanons into your own! I love seeing it integrated or adapted into other lore and seeing just how much it inspires and changes over time!

this all seems rigid but really it's just reiterating whats already in my rules and no one here has been a huge offender at all :' ) this is more for me to follow and I cant thank everyone enough for their patience and creativity for as long as I've been here. Im loosey goosey and go with the flow 90 out of 100 times.

this goes for the rest of my muses, which Ill probably clean up when Im back-but yeah! miss ya'll! hope you've been doin' good! the terrapagos plot will continue then and Ill resume reaching out and leaving details! hopefully in time for dlc ; >

[dormarunt]

Berlin (Netflix) - episode 3

Episode tres starts with the quintessential presentation of the heist plan to the heist team, except a couple of minutes in Bruce gets peckish and restless and gets up to raid the fridge and Berlin takes it personally - he decides to go LOCO on his ass and make everyone uncomfortable (and probably bullies Bruce into getting alcohol poisoning)

You know what would have been hilarious? (and probably would have led to Bruce getting murdered lol) If after he finishes drinking all that champagne and Berlin resumes laying out his plan, Bruce gets up to pee the heroic amount of liquid he had to ingest under duress.

It's episode three and we get a sort of explanation for the set-up of the series. Sergio gets an honorable mention (he's too busy working on his own heist to be there)

and it's explained why Berlin's not working with "professional" thieves - shocking no one, Andrés' ego is so big there's no room for others'. Also, the new team is "enthusiastic" and "not hardened by apathy", which he implies that professional thieves are, and the new team can listen and learn from everything Andres is teaching them. Well that turns out-- surprisingly okay, given the shitshow that follows.

((Berlin touches Damian in a way reminiscent of how he gets all close and personal and touchy with Martin, except that Berlermo magic is absent. What I'm saying is that Berlermo >>> Darlin and no matter how tactile Andres is, his relationship with Martin IS extraordinary, unique, marvelous))

"Because, if we are to end bullet-ridden on the streets of Paris, we'll leave five beautiful bodies behind -- and Damian's"

This is where we get HOW the heist will happen - they're taking control of the CCTV and literally cutting the back of the vault clean off to be able to enter/exit as their hearts desire. We see them do it, we actually get to see them heisting like pros - and as it happens this is one of the few scenes of them actually doing the heist that's at the center of the show. (But the show isn't JUST about the heist, we get that; I just thought there would be more heisting involved)

Meanwhile, instead of watching his team break into that vault with baited breath, Berlin creeps on watches Camille and plans to spend with her the few days until the vault is filled and "enjoying Paris".

Which he does, by taking the woman out to lunch in a public place, having lobster because he apparently REALLY loves seafood.

It's the second time he refers to her as "self-centered"; he's projecting so hard he could open a cinema.

His plan to fuck Camille in the bathroom (klassy) is interrupted by her husband who annoys Berlin to such a degree that he's looking at the available cutlery like I WILL FORK THIS DUDE IN THE NADS (a fairly hamfisted callback, imo. I'm precisely the type of person to be pleased by this mention but I'm-- strangely eh about it?)

Rant; to be the wait staff at that restaurant, casually watching the patrons only to see this woman using lobster-eating cutlery to cut off her underwear in one place and then magic it off herself somehow. IN FRONT OF PEOPLE'S SALADS. 

We then get a throwback to the original Banda talking about what they'd do with the money - and I'm fine with it, and with seeing Keila go through all stages of horniness around Bruce.

Oh SNAP Damian's joining the divorced club, lol. Did not see it coming. Also, I specifically said how I agreed with his outlook on love? Hahahahah. Hah.

After a Berlin sex scene that I was (for some reason?) not expecting, we're treated to a glimpse into whatever's motivating Camille (tl;dr - it's basically FOMO) and Andres makes a comment that made *my* heart jump --

What does it mean?? Is it a Martin reference? (No)

We need a gif compilation of Berlin dramatically going through doors in this show. @wedgeantill - how does that sound? :D

After that dramatic exit we get one of the most cringe-worthy slow-motion montages of Berlin being happy in the most over-the-top, theatrical way that I fast-forwarded through during both times I watched the episode. But good for him, I guess; way to bag the wife of the guy he's currently robbing. (*)

Back where the main act is set to take place, Damian's going full

Meanwhile Cameron has the ingrate job of reminding the people in charge of the team as well as the audience of the fact that they're all there to do a heist, and that they'll have to do it THAT VERY NIGHT. Which begs the question-- where is Berlin?

Roi is the one who has the privilege of finding that out

(basically "I just had sex but my girlfriend's husband is cool with it")

as he tries to get a word in edgewise and tell Berlin to put it back in his pants because they have a heist to do.

Poor guy Roi is the same one who has to listen to the utter mental breakdown that Andres has in the car back to Paris, that culminates with

Perfectly normal, sane response.

NGL, I laughed so hard the first time I watched this scene. The #priorities on this man.

(*) REMEMBER season 5 when he's confronting Rafael for sleeping with Tatiana and he goes -- whenever I see a guy that I find  hot dressed well I want to fuck his wife.

Guy took one look at Francois and FELT THINGS. This explains everything.

Me:

[miscellaneous-ruminations]

it feels so bad to talk to him. i feel so miserably ashamed of feeling bad talking to my own partner. the times we talk to each other and it goes well are diminishing in frequency, and i feel like he’s turning into another person before my eyes. i don’t know what to do with this person who dislikes me, dislikes spending time with me, or likes me but hates me? he treats me like a hated little sibling, always getting in his way. i’m not even treated like his friend. why does this happen to be how he does it. we need couples therapy. i need therapy. ive had the tome of my life without him. i dont know whats happening.

and yet he claims he needs me and clings to me whenever my negative reaction gets too obvious to ignore. he takes on this expecting to be punished attitude and im like am i even here to you? are you even experiencing my presence? it feels like he’s living in a monologue and is just talking with a version of me that he controls, and punishing me when i don’t adhere to it.

IVE FELT LIKE MYSELF WHILE HES BEEN GONE!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COPE WHEN HE COMES BACK WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

and yet i love him and i miss him and i dont

i have been making excuses for him for three years. no if ands or buts. i have been making excuses to people whose opinions i care about more than his. i have lost my own good opinion.

why do i have to worry about the giant fight itll be when i get upset that all he can talk about is his fomo when i bring up my fun things.

i realized that i dont even really talk anymore. he dominates every conversation, and aside from literally just jokes and the occasional deep conversation that he treats like derailing his day, the expectation is that i will be there to be his everything and not have my own life. not have my own friends. not have my own interests. i cant go to anything without him. and he has the excuse of being my ride.

and oh, when hes at his best and functioning normally he can act rationally and be “generous” and “let” me go without him, but the second hes even a littleee insecure about ANYTHING and i can pry him off me wothout a fight where he paints me as a bigass overreactor while being the one who cant let the fucking thing go!!! what am i supposed to do!!!!!

we let outselves get really entangled really codependent at the beginning. i wont pretend it wasnt mutual. but in spite of that i feel like im the ONLY ONE TRYING TO GET US OUT OF THE DEATH SPIRAL

why am i the only one trying

why am i the only one trying

and he says im reading too much into this that im being unfair but you cant “its not that deep” your way out of this you bastard. because there is a point where it is that deep. where i leave the confines of this relationship and cant contribute to someone who wants to hear from me because im used to being the silent spaghetti wall. when im not contributing ideas because im worried about that GODDAMN CONDESCENDING ��WELL YOU DONT GRASP THE SOCIAL ELEMENTS OF THIS” SMUG ASS FUCKING…… AOUGH

YOU WOULD NOT HAVE DATED ME IF I WAS NOT SOCIALLY ADEPT. I AM BEING HELD TO NEUROTYPICAL STANDARDS NOT ETHICAL AUTISTIC ONES AND I AM TIRED OF SUFFOCATING UNDER THE STANDARDS YOU HOLD YOURSELF TO BECAUSE THEYRE COMFORTABLE. THEYRE NOT FOR ME. IM NOT ENTERTAINING IT ANY LONGER

HE HAS GIVEN ME A SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER. I CANT STEP AWAY FROM IT!!! I HAVE NO FRIENDS THAT I CAN BE MYSELF WITH WITHOUT HIM INTERFERING AND INSERTING HIMSELF. AND HE SAYS HES FINE WITH IT HE SAYS HE IS AND THEN ILL NEED TO DO NOTHING BUT BE IN THE ROOM WOTH HIM WHILE HE SEWS AND WASTE MY EVENING BEING A SEXY LAMP!!!!! AND IF IM ANGRY OR FEEL USED OR ANYTHING ELSE IT TURNS INTO A FIGHT WHERE IM IGNORED IN FAVOR OF TALKING ABOUT HOW SAD IT IS THAT HE HAS THIS INFURIATING DEFENSIVENESS AND HOW HARD IT IS FOR HIM AND HOW MUCH HES TRYING. BULL SHIT! NOT FUCKING BUYING IT!!!! ARE YOU CHANGING? ARE YOU TRYING??? BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE SOENDING ZERO TIME AND ZERO CONSISTENT EFFORT ON CONSISTENTLY NOT BEING AN ASSHOLE TO ME

AND ANOTHER THING!!! HIS OCD RULES THIS FUCKING HOUSE!!!! THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO AVOID THE FACT THAT NO JOB I EVER DO IS ENOUGH HE WANTS TO BE MATRON WITH ME AS THE DELEGATE BUT I CANT FUCKING GET IN THERE BECAUSE WHAT HE ACTUALLY WANTS IS TO DO IT HIMSELF

I NEED HIM TO GET MEDICATED FOR HIS OCD AND PTSD IT IS FUCKING RUINING *MY* LIFE. AND I DONT THINK HE CARES. I DONT THINK HE CARES ENOUGH ABOUT HIS IMPACT ON ME TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. BECAUSE I THINK ON SOME LEVEL HES LIKE WHERE WOULD HE GO.

and thats so fucking dangerous. he can justify fucking anything with that. and i will not be a part of it. im building my own fucking life back and if i encounter resistance i dont like the shape of he can start taking a fucking backseat. if he wants to be my friend he can start acting like my fucking friend again. but until that time hes my mentally ill shithead boyfriend. who i love. god help me i love him. g-d, help me if i need to learn to leave him.

[pee-boner-clenching]

wargh surgery and life musings and mental health thingy

it feels like anticipating a Birth, like that rebirth if the self, like how much this surgery Will Literally be a signature, near final stage of my psyche calming down and the world not being So Hard All The Time. Like personally my transition has like no 'end', i am a constant, but shit dog this is such a massive step to let this chapter close. but im still so nervous(not right emotion but best to word) abt having this surgery done that it has such a doom-shaking-earth-shattering feeling, serious fomo, like. No i do Not Regret m steps or taking them or regret getting this done, it is just like. Scary feeling how clear my mind gets when im not out of it or in pain All of the time like i usually am, and I want it to Stop. So its amazing for sooner rather than later, but I cannot even find comofrt in my top surgery coming as ive told others "i will Not feel Good until im waking up" bc i have no trust, and I am So scared of this not going through. even w affirmations of medical staff and even w them understanding theyre like. hey thats not healthy and ur noided self is just getting more noided and im like ik!! i promise ik im trying but im so scared and know if this Doesnt go through im going to have Another earth shattering breakdown and I do not think thatll be a depressive swing ill be able to get out of. I am pregnant with myself and I dont want to be, and I am at the mercyof this skin of my cocoon bursting which is out of my control. I am in control until I am Not, and I do not like being not in control of myself. idk. its overwhelming feeling so Good and True and it Freaks me out, then i have a freak out, disassociate, melt and loathe and melt and yearn and freak, then collapse, then back again, and most times without the Good at the end of that tunnel. ive also never been flat even w any type of binding method so idk what i look like flat!!! which is scary to think of the outcome of, like i rlly dont know what i look like under there. I am not scared of the Self, it is just such an Unknown and in my loneliness I do not know what to turn or where to go or what. doesnt help im e/f cup (thot i was dd that was debunked massive l for me) so it is Constant pain, constant Showing, and for Me i am Not a fan of it. I love all of me I just want it to be not so painful to live All of the time. i cup my cheeks and stroke with callused thumbs. i need a bear hug as strong as my own to encapsulate me like a second skin. woof.

[libbee]

Moon or Venus in 8th house and obsessions. How to stop it forever?

From my personal experience, I have been stalked and obsessed over by many boys.

During my school days, there was always someone who was OBSESSED with me: stared at me all the time, sat next to my seat, followed me around school, older men teasing me, so many men tried to touch/kiss me. I was kid and didn't know astrology, so I didn't think much of it.

I myself used to be obsessed with other women, their looks and possessions. I had obsessive thinking patterns and used to replay the same conversations in my head 100 times an hour. Just imagine how I have lived my life until now! Miserable!

I envied many girls and many girls envied me back. It was so frustrating.

Obsessions were not under my control. I was not conscious that I was doing them. I have had many emotional meltdowns in 2022 but now i am determined to put an end to this OBSESSION for the rest of my life.

My tools:

🌑 What is causing the obsession? Insecurity? Scarcity mindset? Dissatisfaction with my life? Inferiority complex? Shame? Guilt? Weak ego? Attention seeking? Feeling invisible and ignored? Wanting approval and validation?

🌑 My biggest regret is that I didn't become self aware earlier. I had been living my life and then I find out that whatever I am doing is a mental illness: Obsession, rumination, self sabotage, revenge seeking.

🌑 Working on my self concept. Accepting my mistakes. Accepting my vulnerability. Recognizing that being stalked or predated was not my fault. I was naive and inexperienced. Predators took advantage of it. My 8th house Venus gave me some bad experiences.

🌑 Taking back my control and becoming a high value woman. A high value woman is not a people pleaser. 8th house Venus women would benefit from being a femme fatale woman = introverted, private, mysterious, laid back, soft spoken, elegant.

🌑 Promise yourself that you will live your own life and keep yourself a priority. I wish I had known it sooner. I was such a monkey. I was doing the opposite of what I should have done. I should keep myself a priority and put my own goals, hobbies, needs ahead of everyone else.

🌑 Controlling your emotions and strong will power. Give up short term gratification and set long term habits. Have a routine and structure in your life. When you have a routine for every day life, you will not be controlled by your emotions to take impulsive actions.

🌑 I dont know if it is just me, but I feel like I know what other people are thinking and feeling. I feel exposed and vulnerable because of this. This is because I am very intuitive. But how will other people know what I am feeling unless I tell them? I am intuitive, they are not. So this gave me some sense of control that my vulnerability and weaknesses are within me and nobody else knows them unless I reveal them.

🌑 I think that I am quite psychic but others are not so stop obsessing if other people can read your emotions too. I was obsessive because I felt so vulnerable that everyone else can mind read me and I must defend/explain myself constantly.

🌑 Stop chasing fame/name/popularity. Find solace in occult, metaphysics, a library, spirituality, privacy, anonymity. In this day and age when celebrity culture, social media accounts, show off is so rampant, living an anonymous life feels like a "mistake", laziness and FOMO. What if I get old without posting 100 pictures of myself on Instagram? Who will witness how pretty I am? Lol. Nobody. Literally nobody cares. Feel freedom and liberation. Stop self sabotage. Soon it will become natural.

[tiny-prince-alef]

Where have I been and why?

(Author here.  Hey, I’m here to post an update as to why I haven’t been here and on Sky.  It’s a LONG read, so I’ll put it underneath the cut.  Warning, there will be some swearing.)

(So.  I haven’t been on Sky for about 2 weeks now because of many things.  Burnout was one of them.  It was just... so tedious, doing candle runs and shard events that are STILL bugged for Switch players.  Daily quests no longer felt fulfilling.  I do the meditation quests yet I don’t get enough likes to receive a heart, so it felt pointless.   The second is that I was VERY angry with how TGC handled the cat hair fiasco and with other issues.  I had gotten so hyped for the cat hair and when they had changed it to IAP, I was pissed, just like many others had been.  Granted, I know that they’ve switched it back to IGC, but it left a VERY bad taste in my mouth.  Not to mention that Shattering has been bugged to hell and back, and it’s all because they refused to listen to their beta players and decided, “fuck it, let’s rush it out because MONEY.”  They also are now hiding the prices of IAP’s in the beta version, and, to me, that is super sneaky and shitty.   At the end of the day, TGC is a company and their end goal is to make money.  They’re not your friends.  They’re not your family.  They’re a company and they rely heavily on FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), which is really predatory and slimy. So when I finished getting the cosmetics for Shattering, I HAD to peace out from Sky.  It was getting unhealthy and I was legit feeling really upset whenever I played.   I WILL be coming back to Sky, definitely for Lazy Days, Days of Mischief, and Aurora.  But I AM skeptical of their practices from now on. Third issue is that, in real life, I’ve been sick.  I was diagnosed with Colitis, and I have to take a large amount of medication every day for a few MONTHS.  I have to re-learn how to eat certain foods.  I’ve also been suffering in regards to my mental health, which has caused my writing to suffer as well.  I’m still working on Alef art and writing, but I had to put that to the side to deal with my mental and physical well-being first.  I’m still working on those, and it’s been hard.   Fourth is that on the 20th I’m going to be going to Hawaii until the 29th!  I really need this time to rest and recharge and get my mental and physical health under control.  I’m going to try and finish this little Alef snippet before I head out on Tuesday.  Really, I’m going to try. In short, I’m so sorry for my absence on here.  I really truly am.  I feel really guilty and angry with myself for having left you all hanging.  Please forgive me.)

[fiaathings]

It's About "Health"

As humans who live in the technology era, social media is one way to 'meet' other people from another place. We also get access easily than before, every information will come to us with less energy. Just scroll up and down on social media to see the world.

Talking about social media, some of us definitely have addicted to stories/feeds on that. I said because I have experienced it. I could not far from my smartphone and I always opened my Instagram or Twitter. Based on my screen time, every day I always opened them more than 4 hours per day.

The big difference I've ever felt is FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). Not relieved if I do not open my Instagram or Twitter for 30 minutes. Then, I felt more anxious because too many compared myself success with others and unfortunately it made me less productive. And about 4 months I never touch my research once because of that.

I Found The Solutions!

I had to decide this because I need more time to heal it until I found tips & tricks about dealing with ourselves. I started reading many articles, watched some videos on youtube, followed influencers who have the same problem as me, and read more books about healing and dealing with myself. I started to learn how to control myself.

I've found a good book, "Filosofi Teras" by Henry Manampiring. "Filosofi Teras" means Stoicism Philosophy. I really like this philosophy because it is applicable, even it's not easy for me, lol. This philosophy has taught us what are things under our control vs can not control.

I do meditation almost every day. Changing routine activity is very hard, but it's not impossible. Meditation makes me more relax and helps me find my true self. It is very helpful too to make your mental health better.

Journaling is the best way to release my stress and overthinking. Anything that I think and feel, just write it down. Sometimes if I feel very anxious or stress, I wrote until 4 pages. It's very helpful when you need a listener but doesn't know to whom you have to talk.

Men Sana in Corpore Sano - a healthy mind in a healthy body. I try to live better and healthy because when you're sick, you'll less productive. It's not about appearance-physical-body but also inside your body which affects your mind, called hormone. Also mental, social, and spiritual health of course. Eat well, sleep well, etc.

Upgrade your skill and knowledge. It's not about a lesson in your college, but it's about your skill and your interest. I want to learn deeply about writing because I really love writing (from journaling) so I want to share my experience with other people. Yeah, at least I want to write on my blog or Instagram but I don't have any courage to share my writing. But after got a newsletter from Mas Budi Tanrim, Matt d'Avella, my friend gave me support, and watch/read some self-improvement I think I should start writing again. I joined some courses with writing topics, such as content writing, copywriting, UX writing, and SEO. I searched for my convenience to be a T-shape expert, but I have to be a generalist first, haven't I?

Networking with experienced people. I could follow the speaker and make a contact with them. Because I am looking for my role model in my career, of course, I need their helping and sharing more. For the first time of course I was afraid, how if I make a mistake and they will block me, etc. But if you never try, you will never know, right?

The most important thing you should do is NEVER COMPARING YOURSELF. Enjoy your ups-and-down-live journey. Be grateful for everything you have today even though you dislike it because whatever God gives to you is the best choice. Find your-true-self and fulfill your heart with love and gratitude because God is always inside your heart 😇

Health is not about physical appearance but also what things inside you and your relation. It's okay not to be okay. Take a rest but don't too long (like me 😢) then get up again even doubting you.

Just believe, as long as God with you and you find your true self, everything will be fine. Insyaa Allah.

[anastkantdhangar]

Why India’s Social Milieu Needs An Urgent Contemplation

India, traditionally, has been offering astounding variety in virtually every aspect of social life - diversities of ethnic, linguistic, regional, economic, religious, class, and caste groups crosscut Indian society, which gives light to its very inclusive, secular and democratic character. But why there has been a social unrest lately?

India ranks 144th on the World Happiness Index out of a total 156 countries on the list, even behind the likes of Pakistan, ranked 66th, and Bangladesh, ranked 107th.

17th June, 2019, a 24-year old man called Tabrez Ansari was mob-lynched in Jharkhand. He was tied to a pole sometime around midnight, and was beaten brutally till 6 in the morning, and was also forced to chant Hindu sayings. As usual, police arrived late, Tabrez was taken to the hospital, where even his blood pressure was not recorded. He died four days later.

Kashmiri Pandits were victims to a similar unfortunate happening. They were forced to exodus from their own home, and ever since, Kashmir has been even more of a hot topic.

It was a similar mob which chased and killed Inspector Subodh Kumar Singh in December, 2018 in Bulandshahr. He was trying to control a mob that had gone on the rampage after cow carcasses were discovered nearby the locality. The same mob also raised slogans against the police during the unfortunate happening.

Back then, between 2015-2018 specifically, such things were done in the name of cows, an animal which holds a religious significance in Hindu mythology. Considerable amount of such happenings on the name of cow slaughtering frequently grabbed news headlines back then, and as a consequence, consumption of beef in India saw some low. When reports of cow being starved to death in official government shelters started coming in, and also about that stray cattle were destroying crops and farmers were not very pleased with it, politics abandoned cows. It is obvious that cows, along with other animals, need to be protected, also given the fact that dairy products are a must, there needs more to be done to protect and nurse them. But the project of fear and violence that had been started, still continues in various forms.

But, unfortunately, cases of mob-lynchings still take place in our beloved India. The very recent case of Palghar district in Maharashtra, where two Hindu saints, while being in police custody and being taken to Gujarat, were attacked by locals. Reports suggest that the rumors were spread in the area about a gang which abducts children, and on the suspicion of the same, the saints were beaten to death, while the act of police standing quietly beside raised many questions.

A particular section of society, including sections of media, left no stone unturned to give it a communal angle. And there is no denying that there are communal and casteist angles to most of such cases, but there is a larger angle to it. The fact that somehow normal and a routine act it has become to lynch anyone you disagree with, who is outnumbered, is a thing which we need to question. What message are we passing on to the youth? Aspiring to be a global superpower, what are we projecting ourselves as?

The Larger Picture

Democracy has space for various views, expressing dissent in a dignified manner, solving issues, but no democracy can justify use of violence or any arbitrary means to deal with dissent. The very feeling of people that they too are ours should not be compromised at any cost.

The fact that the frequency of such acts has increased in last few years outlines that a message has been passed on to the society, especially the youth, that to beat up someone who does not agree with you, or who expresses any or some form of dissent is a normal practice. Of course, there also has to be some manner and dignity in which dissent should be expressed in a democratic society. But to suppress dissent brutally should not be a solution in a civil society.

This the reason why a new debate had acquired the headlines for some time about whether and how India has been growing intolerant rapidly, but the media and the viewers, the public, a large part of it, did not pay much attention to it. This was and is, what I believe, still a relevant question to ask and explore.

A considerable section of the youth has grasped that dissent or disagreement can be or has to be suppressed, even if it needs violence, which is more than worrisome. This is very much evident owing to recent JNU Campus Violence amongst students back in winter during anti-CAA protests. And the youth today, is the future tomorrow, which is why this makes it even more worrisome.

This even stops many from expressing their views, fearing that might get beaten up by the people having other views, and by not letting other ideas to be out there in the society, the prevailing ideas of the authorities are being hailed as champions. This is where we are failing as a democratic society. We have stopped or started to prevent asking questions.

A democratic society is always full of different ideas, views and perspectives, that is the beauty of democracy. A democratic society always cleaves up, if a one and only idea prevails in the society, there has to be something wrong, we are never going to realize what's wrong in such a scenario, and we have contemporary examples of such autocracies. And there were reasons why human, with time, switched from monarchy to democracy, he liked the idea of discussing various angles and coming up with one which could be best, as it will cover as many as loopholes, angles and point of views as possible, for the best of interests for every section of the society.

The Core Youth Issue

India’s 65% population comprises of people aged 35 or below, making it potentially one of the youngest country in the world, but what’s fresh in them? 

A child learns most of the civil and moral values at home, he learns what he sees, and tends to practice the same, this is the normal scenario. What he learns through the education system, along with his moral values, is somewhat an outline of what kind of a person one is, how one’s attitude is. And India’s education system has been questioned ever since.

The Indian government’s very own draft education policy tells us that National Assessment and Accreditation Council (NAAC) rates 68% of our Universities average or below average, and 91% of our colleges are rated average or below average. These second-and third-grade colleges would have produced generations of average or below average students and scholars.

Today’s youth of India has been in the making for decades. A great deal of efforts must have been put in to finish off all the curiosity and hunger for knowledge and information. The youth no longer wants to understand why a system made them spend lakhs of rupees studying, when at the end most of them could not find jobs which could even earn them Rs.20,000 per month, but still are repaying their education loans. It is the official data released back in 2018 that around 67% families in India survive with a monthly family income of Rs. 10,000 or below.

Those who demand information, who understand their world, those who question the status quo, are the ones who sustain democracies. Can we expect such democratic ideals from the youth of a country where 91% colleges and 68% Universities are average or below average? 65% of Indians might be under the age of 35, but there’s little sign of anything fresh in their thinking. Their minds are not young. They were first burdened with great ignorance, and now they’ve been blinded by communalism.

With 91% colleges being second and third rate, it was inevitable that the youth is kept away from the realm of knowledge. This must have had a large say on why WhatsApp University became so popular, the very messages people received on their private chats must have felt to them that they now had an access to knowledge, the very fact that it was so easily accessible, made it very impactful. Lies and misleading information designed to prejudice them and incite them to violence now began to reach their smartphones as personal texts. 

Fear Of Speaking Out (FOMO FOSO)

Our Lok Sabha has passed amendments to Unlawful Activities (Prevention) Act last year, that gives authorities the power to declare any individual a ‘terrorist’. After it was amended, many social workers who have worked for the under-privileged for years, and raised important issues which was not in the best of interests for the authorities, have been imprisoned under UAPA.

As an obvious consequence, many have held themselves back to not speak out on issues they would have spoken on otherwise, the fear of intolerance of some sections of the society which may turn ugly and the fear of trolls of social media of the great IT Cell may also have been the reasons for the same.

There was a very popular dissent outrage in the form of protests in the form of anti-CAA-NRC protests. Protests in cities and college campuses took place across the nation, some also turned ugly as violence broke out in certain protests. To counter anti-CAA-NRC protests, pro-CAA-NRC protests were also being held in various parts of the country, which was first of its kind. The national lockdown owing to the coronavirus pandemic has brought the topic to a stop, but during this lockdown, various student leaders of anti-CAA-NRC have been charged under UAPA.

JP Narayan addressing a rally during JP movement in 1974. Many scholars speculate that the real Emergency started not in 1975, but in 1974.

In the history of independent India, its hard to remember any other popular mass protest where people across the nation came to roads to express dissent to the authorities, only one such example crosses our minds - the JP Narayan movement in 1974, during the time when Indira Gandhi used to be the PM of India, which mostly included students, and was ultimately suppressed after imposition of Emergency in 1975. But owing to a new practice we have accepted of labeling every sound that questions the authorities as anti-nationals or leftists.

India has had a history of patriarchy, which still prevails in many forms. Women in India, historically, have not been provided equal rights and recognition as men do. In such a nation, be it in the name of anti-CAA-NRC, such a large all-women protest of a scale as big as Shaheen Bagh is a very, very rare thing. Irrespective of our political affiances and interests, the fact that historically deprived women actually came out and led a mass protest on their own, which lasted for more than 3 months and has come to a haul owing to the pandemic, this certainly deserved some thoughts.

Motive of the protest, political interests and such stuffs can be and should be questioned, but in the process we should also give some recognition to things which are rare and important.

We all may share different political thoughts, different political affiliations, but at the end of the day, we all belong to one nation, and our ideas should be for the best of interests for our nation and its people as a whole.

[tabloidtoc]

Star, July 20

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Tom Selleck walking away from Hollywood 

Page 1: Five years after meeting on the set of Mad Men Jon Hamm and Anna Osceola are definitely a couple and they’re in love and have a lot in common 

Page 2: Contents, Prince Charles 

Page 3: LOL! A roundup of the week’s WTF moments and other funny business -- song of the week is Double Trouble from Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga, Kim Kardashian West sold a 20% stake in her beauty company KKW to Coty and revealed that her business is now worth $1 billion, although Lori Loughlin and husband Mossimo Giannulli resigned from their posh Bel-Air Country Club one member is in a huff because they could be reinstated after their prison release saying that the club has become a laughingstock, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s daughter Blue Ivy Carter became the youngest person to ever win a BET award adding to her already impressive resume at just 8 years old, Dame Judi Dench says doing TikTok videos with her grandson Sam Williams helped chase away the blues during lockdown 

Page 4: Peace talks for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie -- after battling over custody for years Brad and Angie find a new way to put their kids first 

Page 6: Margot Robbie and Kaley Cuoco who have both played Harley Quinn have been trash-talking each other behind the scenes -- studio and network bosses were hoping to get Margot and Kaley on stage together for a Meeting of the Harleys at the now-cancelled Comic-Con this summer but they both balked because not only is there professional jealousy they also just don’t like each other, Taylor Swift is feeling the FOMO as she watches former besties Gigi Hadid and Selena Gomez and Kendall Jenner and others having bikini-filled fun without her aboard yachts and private jets; they’re planning summer getaways together without dropping her an invite and her relationship with Joe Alwyn is to blame because after Taylor got serious with Joe she dropped her friends and got aloof and snobby but now she’s regretting letting so many good friends go and she’s begging them all for one last chance, Kylie Jenner’s friends are buzzing about rumors of a sex tape circulating and she’s freaking out because this is not the kind of attention she wants right now especially after her claim to being the youngest self-made billionaire was called into question

Page 8: Star Shots -- Shakira showing sons Milan and Sasha some bodyboarding ropes in Barcelona, Vanessa Hudgens, Rob Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian 

Page 10: Kevin Hart with son Hendrix on a trail ride, Pierce Brosnan, Lucy Hale in Fendi 

Page 12: Jennifer Lopez, Paris Hilton color-coordinated her Alice+Olivia dress with her ride while joining forces with BMW in honor of the Trevor Project and Pride Month 

Page 13: John Legend and co-driver Miles, Diane Kruger at the dentist, Mario Lopez and wife Courtney in Lake Tahoe 

Page 14: Hoda Kotb helped two nurses say I Do, Dorit Kemsley modeling colorful pieces from her swimwear line, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair recreated their kiss from Cruel Intentions while Sarah wore a mask 

Page 16: MTV worlds collided when The Hills: New Beginnings’ Spencer Pratt and Jersey Shore: Family Vacation’s Jenni “JWoww” Farley faced off on Celebrity Family Feud with host Steve Harvey, Reese Witherspoon

Page 18: Normal or Not? Blake Shelton mistook a display of his Smithworks Vodka for the real thing on his 44th birthday -- Not Normal, Scout Willis rocked out to the rhythm on a walk -- Normal 

Page 24: Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry’s delivery room drama -- baby jitters are beginning to overwhelm the engaged couple 

Page 25: Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith have always been open about their unconventional union and now singer August Alsina said he and Jada carried on an affair for years after meeting in 2015 and that Will gave him his blessing, Hailey Bieber and Justin Bieber’s marriage of nearly two years has hit a snag with Hailey informing Justin that she needs some space -- with Justin fighting rape allegations he’s become clingy and Hailey had to sit him down and explain that it’s not healthy for them to be joined at the hip then she jetted to Italy for work with bestie Bella Hadid leaving Justin without his crutch and insecure about where they’re headed 

Page 26: Cover Story -- Tom Selleck walking away from fame -- the revered star and dedicated family man is looking forward to slowing down and enjoying life on his 65-acre ranch 

Page 30: Prince Harry controlled by Meghan Markle -- as Meghan and Harry continue to build a new life in America the take-charge duchess has her husband firmly under her sway 

Page 32: Sexy at 30, 40, 50 and beyond! -- flirty 30s -- Carrie Underwood, Jenna Dewan, Julianne Hough 

Page 33: Fit 40s -- Padma Lakshmi, January Jones, Sofia Vergara 

Page 34: Fun 50s -- Elizabeth Hurley, Sarah Jessica Parker, Forever Fab -- Susan Lucci, Jane Seymour 

Page 36: Beauty 

Page 38: Style -- summery cellphone covers -- Kasey Musgraves 

Page 40: Entertainment 

Page 48: Parting Shot -- Duchess Kate Middleton got down and dirty during a visit to one of her first patronages the East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices 

[ninamontagutbordas]

HOW CAN I KNOW WHO I AM IF SOCIAL MEDIA DICTATES WHO I SHOULD BE?

The first time I joined Facebook, I was thirteen years old. It was 2008 at the time and none of the existing social media platforms were a big thing in Spain yet. I had a total of seven facebook friends and I only used it to talk to my sister, who introduced me to the social network, while she was away during the summer. Actually, facebook was just a great solution to connect with people traveling or living abroad.

I didn’t understand the power of social media then and, to be honest, it’s still difficult for me to have an accurate understanding of how its power can affect people. It sure has affected me countless times to the point where social media was controlling the way I felt and, it still controls me sometimes.

I am about to turn twenty-five and I am very happy with who I’ve become this past decade. Obviously, I had to go through all the faces the majority of kids go through between the ages of fifteen and the mid-twenties (hopefully I’m not the only one!): I was a stupid teenager at times (to be fair, sometimes still am), there were moments were I behaved as a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad friend, a bad girlfriend and as a bad “all the roles that a human being can possibly be”, but, still, I am very happy with who I am today and I have forgiven myself for all the damage I may have made.

During this past decade, I’ve managed to create different abilities that helped me understand a bit more how to navigate the awkward early twenties, such as pushing away toxicity, standing up for myself, accepting constructive criticism, and facing mistakes as soon as possible.

BUT, what if social media is dictating what’s toxic and what’s not, when do I need to stand up for myself and when I don’t, which criticism is constructive and which is not and which are the things I should see as mistakes and which are not?

It got me thinking.

I feel like the power of this digital “era” we are living in (is it even an era anymore or at this point is just our reality?) has brought us a lot of good, but also a lot of bad. There have been moments in my life where I found social media was actually very dangerous for me and reflecting on it now, I think my experience may be helpful to some of you as well.  

At the beginning of this crazy 2020, I was in a very bad place. I had just quitted a job that was very damaging for me, I wasn’t comfortable with the way I looked, and I felt very isolated from the important things in life. I have suffered from severe anxiety since I was twelve and had to learn to manage that at a very early stage in my life, but it had never been as bad as it was in January. First world problems? Indeed. I totally agree, but it was a very dark period of time for myself and there was nothing I could do to feel better -or at least I thought so-.

I have the most amazing parents and the most amazing family, a great group of friends who have always supported me no matter what and I had a great loving boyfriend who not once made me feel non-deserving of a happiness that seemed impossible to reach at the time. My support system wasn’t the problem.

SO, why wasn’t I happy?

I knew I had to stop complaining and start doing things that would make me feel better, which would make me heel. Had I known at the time social media was a key element to get there, it would have been a lot easier.  

My body had changed a lot during the past few years, I wasn’t exercising, and I handled my anxiety by eating literally my feelings. My pants didn’t fit, my body was way different than my friend’s bodies (yeah, I know, “don’t compare yourself to others” and “all bodies are beautiful” but still, we all know how it works) and I felt very insecure in general. I never have had the patience or the strength before to beat my laziness and it’s safe to say I had zero trust in myself then, but again, it was time. I had to do something.

I decided to start a severe diet.

If you know me, you know I have had a terrible habit in the past where I start things and never finish them, so of course, I didn’t think I was going to go through with an entire diet. I didn’t see myself capable.

It took me six months and nine days to finally feel healthy and good again, but I did it. (Two out of six months I was quarantined at home, which was not great neither mentally nor physically for the process I was going through). I discovered a lot of myself during that time though.

However, not everything I discovered was actually good, believe it or not. I discovered a lot of bad stuff and not necessarily was I aware of all the negative inputs I was receiving from the internet. One of those things was the social media strategies to engage with users in the wrong way and how that can control a person’s feelings. I was a victim of social media.

During the lockdown, I had to beat my anxiety in different ways so that none of them lead me up to interrupting the diet-plan my doctor had provided me. I had a commitment to myself and the more I proved myself wrong, the better I felt. I’m not a quitter and I wasn’t a quitter back then, but I just didn’t know it yet.

One of the ways to beat my anxiety, strangely enough, was sitting home to my computer and lose myself on social media, as many of us did during the quarantine. Without even noticing it, I ended up falling into a rabbit hole: Instagram food accounts.

Isn’t it so paradoxical? I was doing a diet but still, I was spending my hours looking at thousands of videos of people baking cakes, cooking pasta, and reading recipes I know I couldn’t have as long as I wanted to keep doing this.

Some said I should be proud of myself - being able to look at these videos and not once cheat or interrupt my diet is a great way “to train my strength”. I fully disagree. To me, this was not about strength, to me this was about how the channels in my brain had been educated to think this was normal behavior. It was not. Social media was tempting me.

What I’ve realized through this process is that, it wasn’t actually my choice whether to stop looking at them or not. The less I wanted to see, the more videos I had access to because of the complexity of the social media algorithms. They decided I needed to see that kind of content.

Social media was proving myself and it became an interesting yet dangerous dynamic for me, which is why I find myself writing down this essay. For months, I’ve been having conversations with my parents and my friends about the danger of social media.

BUT, where is the real danger?

In the months that followed, I was starting to feel better. Actually, I was feeling pretty good. Not just physically, but also mentally. I was better than ever and people around me started noticing the inside glow I was feeling.

The problem is that feeling good and being in charge of your own life are two very different things. I was happy but my life was not under control, quite the opposite. I wasn’t in control. Social media algorithms were controlling me.

That’s when it got tricky for me – How could I be the happiest I’ve ever been but feel so frustrated? Was I really happy? Was I pretending to be happy because everyone else seemed so happy? Was I really being myself or was I just pretending to be somebody who I wasn’t? Was social media training myself to think I was happy? Was social media LYING to me?

All of these questions were hunting me, and I just did not know what to do. I was back in shape yet all the pictures I saw on Instagram of these beautiful women in their amazing bikinis during their amazing vacations made me feel self-conscious about myself.

Why did I do this diet? Did I do it for myself or for the benefit of a social network that had thousands of pictures of myself where I could prove to people graphically I had lost a lot of weight?

Social media has an interesting way to make people feel bad and create this interesting millennial feeling of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) – the problem is, we only share 10% of what’s really going on with us. That’s why it was important to me to share this story – I wanted to use social media in a different way. Maybe I’m oversharing, but at least I’m oversharing in a true and authentic way, not in an unrealistic scenario.

A while ago, I decided I would delete all the pictures on my Instagram page and I was only going to leave there the ones that captured the moments where I was really happy and really present. From around 600 pictures I had posted over the years, I chose around 20. They could stay. Twenty-something pictures that reminded me of the important things in life, at least the important things to me. But then I said to myself: “Did I just chose when I felt happy because I deleted some Instagram pictures? This makes me so sad”.

Going through these old pictures, I could clearly tell how my body has changed “for the better” this past nine months but I realized very quickly something very unexpected - I was really happy back then. For sure I had that puffy face and a bigger body, but I was really happy and really secure. And that’s when I realized, social media was dictating what should I do and who I should be. Not because I decided to, but because I allowed it to. 

The thing is that I don’t feel threatened by social media itself. I feel threatened by the way we consume digital content without even thinking of the impact this can have not only on ourselves but on others. 

We get carried away because we don’t use social media in a smart way. We use it to compare ourselves and our life with others, directly or indirectly, whether we like it or not. We don’t consume media to complete ourselves with information and use it for our own profits. We consume media to fill the blanks we are missing in our journeys. 

I’m scared of how fast the world is evolving and how fast digital progress is happening. Let’s see where my relationship with the internet stands in five years when my twenties are over. Until then, I’ll try to use social media for the benefit of the people around me. I feel like we all have a responsibility and, I’m going to commit to it.  

The question is, are you?

[thedeskside]

Is it Time to Bring Back the Alarm Clock?

I’ve been craving less time with technology. Frankly, I just can’t seem to help myself, I’m full of thoughtful excuses: my career depends on the internet—I work remotely, and have happily been working remotely for almost four years now. My bread and butter depends on me having a reliable laptop and wi-fi connection. And I spend a majority of my day in my home office, making it almost feel like a normal office area.

Plus, I need to check what my clients are talking about on their social feeds, so I get lost on Instagram for significant moments of my day—it’s been getting better little-by-little. Oh, and since I work remotely and never leave the house because it is too hot for me to bare and there’s also a global health pandemic happening…I must network, right?! Correct. There goes another chunk of time.

Out of habit, I just have serious work FOMO since my office is only ten feet away from me, and it’s haunting me, reminding me of the fact that I couldn’t get those three tasks cut off of my to-do list like I had originally planned for this morning.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Totally. I often forget the fact that I am working very hard under the stress of human rights issues and sitting home, hoping that a virus doesn’t affect me or my boyfriend.

We are under a lot of mental distress right now, and unfortunately, we don’t exactly have the tools to deal with all of this change at once. We’re often suffering silently, left with an unbelievable amount of time to spend on worrying. Worrying about nothing and everything all at once.

Yes, times are scary to say the very least, but things always get worse before they get better. It’s true. In fact, it’s the only thing that I’m certain. Right now, it’s very important for me to remind myself that all of the bad is temporary.

I am focusing on what is actually in my control, and not behaving so reactively to everything. Taking a breath and a moment to be mindful. It’s essential for me, and I know many other find it helpful as well.

I’ve always enjoyed being optimistic. It shows resistance in the right light.

Change is always uncomfortable, but I’m using this time to transition into a better part of myself. I am trying to remain honest with myself, and work on things that I ‘didn’t have time for’ just a few months ago.

I’ve also been working on my morning routine. I am one of those many horrible people who check their email before bed. I also check it first thing when I wake up. I use my phone as my alarm clock, so it really is just curiosity killing the cat…I feel that since I have my phone in my hand anyway, it’s 90% the only thing that will keep me awake. I guarantee I will go back to sleep and never be heard of again—or at least until the afternoon—if I just try to lay there soaking it in with out my phone. My early morning dependence on it can definitely be changed.

It may just be time to spend some money on a decent old school alarm clock. Yeah, I said it. I like the idea of not feeling the need to use my phone before bed or when I wake up—I’m thinking of leaving it in my home office before bed to make sure I have no excuses.

Maybe these will do the trick…which do you like better?

[ignis-scientia-estrogen-brigade]

~ISEB in Japan: A Photo Journal~

If you’ve been following me on Twitter lately, you’ll know that I’ve been traveling through parts of Japan the last couple of weeks with my Ignis Play Arts Kai figure in tow. I posted a few pictures over there during the duration of my trip, but those barely scratched the surface of everything I got to do while in Japan. So I thought I’d put together a blog post of my journey while it was still fresh in my mind, featuring everyone’s favorite strategist in what I’ve been dubbing my Great Final Fantasy XV Adventure of 2019!

[Image-heavy content + commentary under the cut]

A brief backstory: I’ve wanted to go to Japan my entire adult life. For years, I’ve watched friends make the trek while I’ve been stuck at home with a severe case of FOMO. The only thing that ever stopped me from going was money (or a lack thereof), so I made the decision last summer to buckle down and sock away every dime I made to make it happen. My only concern before hopping on the plane was that I had missed the wave of FFXV popularity by about a year, but I would quickly learn that—other than not getting to eat any of Ignis’ recipes at the Square Enix Cafe—I had little to worry about.

Literally the only reason I brought my Play Arts Kai figure was so I could take this picture of Ignis at the Citadel (a.k.a. the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building), which was the very first place I stopped at on my first full day in Tokyo. The building + the surrounding plaza, while not 100% accurate, is a fairly impressive facsimile of the one in the game. It’s located in Shinjuku, which also boasts a lot of similarities to Insomnia. Having finished Episode Ardyn mere hours before jetting off on my trip, it felt like I had stepped off the plane and right into the game!

There just so happened to be an Animate right near the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building, so I popped in to get a feel for what kind of FFXV merch I’d be able to find two years after the game’s release and a year after its height of popularity. Turns out, there was quite a lot of swag to be found! Truth be told, I’ve never been one to chase down official merchandise (unfortunately my job doesn’t really afford that luxury), but I gave myself special permission while on vacation to buy anything I wanted. So I did! Including everything you see above. ^^;;

The next thing I did was take the train to Ginza to meet Lyle/@landscape-gonna  (@landscape_gonna on Twitter), and I simply cannot say enough nice things about her. If you don’t know who she is, there’s a 99.9% chance you’ve seen at least one of her Ignis costumes, and they are A. M. A. Z. I. N. G. We had chatted a bit previously on Twitter before I went full-on stan mode, asking her if she'd be willing to meet up with me (a total stranger) to have lunch and talk Ignis and Final Fantasy. Not only did she say yes, but she gifted me with copies of her incredible cosplay zines and was not the least embarrassed when I busted out my Play Kai Arts figure in the middle of a busy Japanese dessert restaurant haha.

See? Zero embarrassment here.

We even did Noct’s ultimate pose! In public!

I can’t begin to articulate how special meeting Lyle was for me—being brought together from opposite sides of the world to share in our love for Ignis/FFXV is a memory I will cherish my entire life. So Lyle, if you are reading this: どうもありがとうございます ! ٩( ᐛ )( ᐖ )۶

Lyle wasn't the only friend I had in Japan. Another friend of mine, Asuka (who happens to be well-versed in anime/video game culture), volunteered to be my guide through Ikebukuro/Otome Road the next day. Quick otaku lesson: Kbooks is a chain of stores that specializes in the resale of licensed merchandise. For example, if you missed out on some of the limited availability items from the Movic and the Square Enix Cafe collaborations, you might be able to find them at a Kbooks. Otome Road in particular has something like seven different Kbook shops in a 3-block radius, each one specializing in different products (sports anime, idols, cosplay, etc). I, of course, beelined for the video game shop...

...which is where I found this fucking thing:

I’m not gonna lie, I almost bought it. I just didn’t know what I would do with it besides scare the living daylights out of people when they least expected it lol.

Yoooo Adam I found ya boi in Ikebukuro

We popped into the cosplay Kbooks shop since it was right across the street and I found an Ignis costume for sale! Please enjoy this picture of me pretending to come up with a new recipeh (since this is likely the closest I’ll ever come to cosplaying as Ignis).

One of the things Asuka introduced me to was Hanami (picnic under the cherry blossoms, basically). I had timed my trip to coincide with the blooming of the sakura, and the experience of being in Japan during that time was indescribable. I took a bajillion pictures of the sakura while I was there and unfortunately none of my photos ever quite captured the beauty and magic of them in person, but here’s a lil’ pic of a tree in bloom at Yoyogi Park (with the Movic Ignis charm I bought at Kbooks earlier that day).

Another item on my Japan checklist was to stay at a ryokan (traditional Japanese inn) in Hakone, a town famous for its onsen/hot springs. Nothing in Hakone is cheap (at least, not during peak sakura season), and I had spent an absurd amount of money on a night at one particular ryokan with a private bath (shy husband haha). The private bath could only be reserved in 30-minute increments, and by the time we finally rolled into Hakone the bath we wanted only had one slot available for the rest of the night. So what did I do?

If you said, “Waste the first 15 minutes of your 30-minute, super-expensive onsen experience taking the perfect Ignis-in-a-hot-springs photo” then you would be absolutely correct lol.

I actually wasn’t planning on taking a bunch of photos of my Ignis figure on this trip, but after my husband tucked Ignis into my futon while I was in the bathroom, documenting my trip vicariously through Ignis ended up taking on a life of its own. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I popped back over to Tokyo after my stay in Hakone, which is when I finally got to make the Great Nerd Pilgrimage™ to the Square Enix Cafe! Had the FFXV collab been going on while I was there, I might’ve forked over the cash to eat at the cafe, but I opted to skip out on lunch so I could spend more money in their shop. They still had a small collection of FFXV merch...

...including this acrylic Ignis stand that I wanted but thought I would never own after failing to find it at Kbooks earlier in the week. Huzzah!

Also, I just feel the need to let everyone know that this is what the outside of the Square Enix Cafe in Tokyo looks like lmao.

Our next stop was Kyoto, which we arrived in on Gladio’s birthday (April 2nd). Unfortunately I didn’t have time to draw anything for his b-day, but we did stop for a Nissin Cup Noodle in honor of Gladio!

One of the most memorable moments of my trip was when this boating incident happened, and it requires a little bit of backstory. On my first full day in Kyoto, I attempted to field two of the most popular tourist destinations in Kyoto: the bamboo forest in Arashiyama, and the Fushimi Inari Shrine. Both places have their beauty and historical significance, and I suspect during the off-season are inspiring sites to behold. In my case, both places were absolutely swarming with tourists, which really put a damper on my enjoyment of them. Defeated, I followed a local canal back toward my hotel, which is where I spotted a miniature boat enthusiast controlling a boat that looked eerily similar to the Royal Vessel. I pulled my Ignis figure out with the intention of simply taking a photo of the boat in the background; when the man saw me holding my figure and fumbling with my phone, he flagged me over and gestured for me to put Ignis in the boat. I wish I had documented how it all went down a little better, but as I was literally wheezing with laughter, the above was the best I could capture.

One of the more off-the-cuff decision I made was to dress in kimono for a day while in Gion (Kyoto). As the cherry blossoms were at their height during my stay there, you couldn’t sneeze without hitting someone who was dressed traditionally for the numerous festivals that were taking place throughout the city. As a white foreigner, I initially had reservations about wearing a kimono (for fear of cultural appropriation), but I did everything I could to be as respectful and reverent whilst wearing the garb (and the rental shop was certainly happy for the patronage). It was an amazing experience and I would definitely do it again!

Speaking of being respectful, I made it a point not to take pictures of Ignis while visiting any shrines (because nothing screams ‘douchey American’ quite like whipping out an action figure on sacred grounds), hence why I don’t have pictures of any of the major shrines we visited in this post. I did, however, spot this miniature shrine arch in an alleyway, and thought it would be okay for my equally miniature strategist to pay his respects.

Literally, a tiny shrine in an alleyway. I suppose even alleys have their deities!

Osaka is about 20 minutes away from Kyoto by train, and since I had already traveled all the way out to Kyoto, I went the extra few miles to stop by the Square Enix Cafe in Osaka. They actually had a smaller selection of FFXV merch than the one in Tokyo and I didn’t end up buying anything, but I would’ve never stopped wondering if I had missed out on something if I hadn’t gone and seen it for myself!

My last day in Kyoto was a week into my trip, and I still had five days left to go. After walking ~10 miles every day (no joke, I have the GPS screenshots to prove it!), I was really starting to feel the grind. I’m sure Ignis was also desperate for an Ebony after being lugged around in the bottom of my purse for a week lol.

Back on the Shinkansen (bullet train) to Tokyo!

Weeeeeee (ﾉ^ヮ^)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧

Said hi to Fuji-san!

Stopped for a delicious matcha parfait! (Shout-out to my husband who never once got annoyed with me whenever I busted out my figure in public spaces lol)

This was without a doubt the craziest and most unexpected find of any of my merch runs. I had gone to the video game Kbooks in Ikebukuro earlier in the week and had sifted through all their Ignis merch with a fine-toothed comb. This particular Movic charm was one I had been on the lookout for, but it was a rare pull even when they were readily available a year ago, and the only Ignis charm I came across in my first trip to Kbooks was the normal Ignis one (see my Hanami pic). I had no real reason to return to Ikebukuro after I got back from Kyoto, but on a whim I went one last time and BAM—this guy was hanging out there in his lil’ baggie, just waiting for me to get my grubby little hands on him. Jackpot!

All in all, I spent way too much money and I couldn’t be happier for it. The only thing I couldn’t find for the life of me was the Ignis cologne by Movic, but after searching through several Animates and Kbooks, I began to suspect it might be an online-exclusive item that wasn’t available in stores. (Which was probably a good thing for me cause I was already stretching my budget to the limit by this point haha.)

On my last night in Japan, I went back to the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building—only this time I went at night when it was all lit up! I also went up to the observation deck on the 45th floor (something I didn’t know you could do the first time I was there) and enjoyed a fantastic view of nighttime Insomnia Tokyo. It was the perfect bookend to a perfect trip, and my heart is absolutely overflowing right now with love for both Japan and Final Fantasy XV!