#and i may or may not have procrastinated despite planning for this event for months lol

[writingstothevoid]

My submission for Star Sans Poly Week, day one: Flowers. The work will also included in the read more but I wanted to also add the ao3 link.

@starsanspolyweek

Dream had been around a long, long time. Even when discounting his centuries in stone, his age still reached well past a mortal lifespan. It was no surprise, then, that he sometimes found himself caught up in the past. It was better now than it had once been. Between his lovers, friends, and the years between now and then, it was easier to stay within the confines of the present.

Dream was, admittedly, extremely grateful for the development. Though there were many things about the present he didn’t fully comprehend, he couldn’t deny that he was happier now than he had (probably) ever been and his lapses in time were rarely pleasant.

Today, however, seemed to be an exception. Of course, it was not a flashback or memory, but still. No, today’s memory came during a routine trip to the Omega Timeline. He had stumbled upon a large farmer’s market and deigned to explore it to his leisure. Blue and Ink were both occupied and would not mind him being out later than expected; not to mention, he could use a bit of time to himself. Not that he didn’t love his partners dearly, but everyone needs alone time sometimes and he would revel in whatever he could get.

And it was there amongst stalls piled high with bread and soap and jewelry that he spotted it: an unassuming little thing with flowers of all different breeds and colors, manned by an older woman with a kind smile. He barely even registered what he was doing before he was in front of the lady, looking down at a card placed artfully on the table. Monica’s home-grown bouquets

Flowers for any and all occasions!

Ask attendant for historical meanings!

“Can I help you?” The voice brought Dream’s attention back to the present and he looked up, a bit flustered.

“Ah, no, I’m sorry, I was just looking,” He replied, hands affirming his disaffirmation. The woman – Monica? – smiled down at him, no malice apparent.

“No worries, love. Just let me know if you need anything.”

“Will do.”

Dream looked back down at the card, then up to all the bouquets hanging haphazardly from the top of the tent. Historical meanings… he knew those, didn’t he? Or he had, at some point. They poked at his brain, filling it like smoke as he remembered the small nuances of the old society.

A single red rose for love, geraniums for sympathy, anemones for apologies. He was not certain about all (or really any of them) but he couldn’t help but feel they were right. Red was for romance, orange – enthusiasm, yellow – joy, white – purity.

“They make good gifts,” that same voice as before chimed in and Dream realized belatedly that he had been staring at a “lovers bouquet” of sorts. He flushed once more and started to stammer an apology before he finally processed what she had said. It had been awhile since he had gotten his partners something to show his gratitude, nor had they really been able to spend much time together the last few weeks outside of work and cohabitation.

“I quite like this one, although I could certainly help you find something more tailored,” she continued on as Dream finally came to a decision.

Blue stood in front of the spotless kitchen and freshly-set table, aching but proud of the work he had done that day. The last few weeks had been particularly busy for not only him but his lovers as well. They seemed to be constantly called out on missions to stop Nightmare’s Gang or Error or some other being that decided to reek havoc that day. With all the Negativity, Dream hadn’t been at his best and Ink was being dogged by the Creators more than usual meaning it was often just Dream and Blue against their opponents. It hadn’t been too bad, but it would not be a stretch to say that they were all well and truly exhausted. Today had been their first day off and each had chosen to take full advantage of it, Dream going into town, Ink locking himself in his room to paint, and Blue completing tasks around the house.

Many would say that doing chores didn’t truly count as relaxing (his brother, for example), but Blue felt a sense of calm in the menial chores that little could beat. Some music or an audiobook and he was good to zone out for the next several hours and reawaken to a cleaner house than when he started. Win, win!

Checking the clock once more, Blue decided it was high time he dragged his boyfriend out of his stupor for a little bit of dinner. He found him in the exact same position he had left him in hours earlier, albeit with a far more completed painting and even more art supplies scattered in a ritualistic circle around the artist.

“Ink,” Blue called out, keeping his voice just low enough to not startle the other while still being able to capture his attention. Well, in theory at least.

“Ink,” he called again and this time the little artist turned to look at him, blinking up at him like he had just woken up. Blue watched in real time as Ink recognized him and his face lit up, causing affection to bubble up through Blue’s soul.

“Blue!” he cried out, his voice scratchy from disuse. He attempted to stand but almost immediately fell over, his joints just as cranky as his voice at their stagnation. Blue lurched forwards to catch the guardian and helped him stand once more, holding him until his feet were steady at which point Ink immediately launched himself at his slightly taller boyfriend.

Blue laughed and hugged him back, loving his lover’s seemingly endless well of enthusiasm. He admitted it was something he certainly related to but Ink never seemed to be able to contain it and always reacted with as much emotion as he could muster. It was endearing to say the least and though his impulsivity was sometimes problematic it could also be, quite frankly, so damn adorable.

The artist pouted as Blue pushed him back just slightly but lit up once more at his next words. “Dinner’s ready,” the royal guard informed him. And just like that, Ink was gone, his footsteps surprisingly loud for such a small person. Blue followed behind with a small smile, closing the door to Ink’s workroom behind him. He knew how secretive the artist could be about his work and would never take advantage of the immense trust he showed in them by allowing them in there at all.

Ink sat already at the kitchen table, his feet and hands tapping against the floor and table respectively as he impatiently waited. Blue laughed again. “We have to wait for Dream, Ink.” Said artist attempted once more to pout but the excitement in seeing their other boyfriend again wiped out any genuine annoyance he could have.

Almost on cue, the door began to rattle as someone attempted to unlock the thing and enter. Ink shot up out of his seat and ran to greet Dream, only beaten by Blue because the royal guard had already been standing. Together they opened the door and were greeted with the sight of their boyfriend, his hands occupied with not just his keys but also two beautiful bouquets of flowers.

They all froze and a blush appeared on Dream’s skull as he shyly said hello. Ink was the first to shake himself out of his state and leaped up to drag the guardian into the house, leaving Blue to close the door behind them. The task took longer than it perhaps should have, likely because of Ink’s stubborn insistence on hugging the other as they moved.

“So,” Blue began, a smile (definitely not a smirk, no siree, he never smirked) stretching across his face. “What’s this all about?”

Dream flushed even further, detaching himself slightly from Ink in order to hold out one of the bouquets to Blue. “They’re for you,” he added quietly and handed the other one to Ink, whose eyelights had become a pair of pink and yellow stars. Blue blushed in spite of himself and gingerly took the offering, taking in the beauty of the thing.

“Those are anemone,” Dream was looking a little off to the side as he pointed at the largest flowers in the bunch, a couple of blue buds spread wide, unable to meet his lover’s eyes. “They are given as an affirmation of intelligence, love, and respect.”

He pointed to another, a beautiful cluster of pink, orange, and yellow petals. “These are lantana. They symbolize rigor, the determination to not only keep going but to do every task to the best of one’s ability.”

He drew closer to Blue who’s skull had begun to light up more and more. A quick glance up told him that Ink’s unusual silence came from his rapt attention set on the pair. It took a lot to hold his attention, even for a short stretch of time, and the thought that he was so invested did not help Blue’s condition.

“This is kalanchoe,” he rambled on as if afraid he wouldn’t be able to get it all out if he stopped now. “It means, um, everlasting love and symbolizes persistence and endurance.” Now they were both blushing like mad. How did Blue get so lucky as to have such an adorably sweet boyfriend?

Next were the red bits sticking out from the mess in the middle. “These are cardinals and they symbolize distinction from others. Like, um. A really amazing partner.”

Ink’s snicker could be heard from space but both of them were masters in the art of ignoring his teasing by now. Well, perhaps not masters, but certainly used to it. “Blue stars are related to strength and also cover persistence and endurance like the kalanchoe. They represent the strength of will of another.”

He smiled as he reached the last ones and finally met Blue’s eyes. “And these are bluebells. They’re given to show gratitude towards someone. Like the gratitude of being with you.”

“Oh, Dreamy,” Blue couldn’t help himself. He launched himself forwards and dragged his adorable boyfriend into the biggest hug he could. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love it!”

Dream laughed as he caught the other man and held onto him just as tight. “We haven’t been able to really hang out much lately and I wanted to give you guys something.”

A small weight barreled into them both and suddenly Ink’s shining face was grinning up at them. “Do me next!” The pair smiled at one another as Blue extracted himself from their embrace.

“I’ll grab a couple vases while you do that,” he promised and left for the kitchen. Dream turned his attention to their other boyfriend and his oldest friend. He backed up just enough to be able to point out each flower without leaving their embrace entirely.

“Well,” he began with a round red bloom, “These are dahlias. They stand for a lasting bond and lifelong commitment. It felt right given how long we’ve known one another.”

A unique orange outside with a bright blue interior. “These are birds of paradise, and symbolize paradise and freedom.” He decided not to elaborate on that one, not knowing if he could handle Ink’s adoring look growing any brighter.

A collection of small pink petals followed by similar blue ones. “Daphnes mean ‘I would not have you any other way’ while hydrangeas represent a deep understanding between people.”

Delicate pink flowers poked out from the center. “Almond flowers stand for hope.” And on to the last one. He took a breath and smiled at his lover as he grasped one of the long stems of a lightly budding plant. “And Acanthus. They can mean a lot of things but the one I like the most is artistic beauty. They’re said to inspire others and allow them to persevere and transform whatever it is they’ve doing. I got them not just because you do that for others, but also because you are that for me. You’ve inspired me to keep going for years and years and I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you dearly.”

Dream looked away from the bouquet and instead at Ink’s face only to find it filled with tears. Alarmed, he reached out but didn’t get far before he was unceremoniously handed the gift back while Ink ran towards a nearby bucket. Although he could very easily clean up the ink that came out anytime he felt too much, Dream and Blue had convinced him to at least throw it up in one container so it was easier to dispose of.

Despite how odd he knew it must look to outsiders, Dream shyly smiled as he followed the other, if only because he knew how much it must mean to Ink for him to react so intensely. “Are you all right, dear?”

It was only because of his years of experience with the artist that he was able to sense what was about to happen before it did. As such, he was just able to move the flowers off to the side before his arms were filled by his tiny feral boyfriend.

“Oh stars, Dreamboat, you’re the best, I love you so much, thank you!” his words were said so fast they were nigh incomprehensible to anyone other than those within the confines of their home. As it was, the guardian simply wrapped his arms around the other and hugged him back. “Of course. Anything for you.”

“If you two are done being gay in there, dinner’s ready!” Blue teased. The blush returned with a vengeance as Ink laughed, “Please, after this that’s impossible.”

“You two are impossible,” Dream shot back but still he made his way into the kitchen and added the Ink’s flowers to the vase next to Blue’s, that smile never leaving his face.

Several days later Dream was awoken to the sight of both his boyfriends standing over him in bed. Ink had called out to him – likely several times – and appeared smug in his ability to wake a man who slept like the whole world was out to get him. Which, to be fair, it had been at one point. The guardian groaned indulgently before glancing over at the clock. Nine in the morning. He had slept in late, unsurprising given how late they’d stayed out last night but still groan worthy, hence another indulgent groan leaving his mouth.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” Ink shook him in blatant disregard to his woes. “We’ve got something for you~”

“Ink, quit it,” Blue scolded without any heat, turning to their sleepy boyfriend, “I’m sorry to wake you, but we do have something to give you.”

Suddenly more interested than he had been before, Dream let himself indulge one more time before sitting up and stretching (at which Ink let out an appreciative whistle and Blue delicately looked away). Smirking, he let his feet dangle off the bed and asked, “All right, what is it?”

His lovers looked uncharacteristically uncertain at the question and the smile slipped from his face in slight worry. He knew he would love whatever they gave him, but he hated to see them so uneasy. Words of reassurance caught in his throat, however, as Blue shyly held out the thing he had been hiding behind his back: a dazzling bouquet of flowers.

“We wanted to get you something for the other day,” Blue informed him hesitantly, his gaze still averted.

“We checked the meanings too!” Ink added, his gaze able to meet Dream’s but his skull still a delicate rainbow half hidden by his scarf.

Dream gently took the bouquet and looked it over. The other two sat down next to him, one on each side, and performed a reverse of the other day.

“Viburnum, for good luck, affection, and loyalty,” the young guardsman explained.

“Craspedia because you light up our world!” the protector continued.

“False indigo for protection.”

“Angelica to represent your guidance and inspiration.”

“Cyclamen for resilience, strength, and perseverance.”

“Lungwort, for joy, devotion, and admiration!”

“And…” Dream trailed off as he thumbed the last one left.

“And roses,” Blue grabbed his hand and smiled, “For love.”

On his other side, Ink leaned into him, “Cliche, we know. But it’s true!”

For once the pressure building inside Dream was one he didn’t mind and he hugged his bouquet tightly. “Thank you,” he whispered. Two skulls pressed against his cheeks at the same time and he buried his face into the beautiful flowers. Ink’s laugh was like little bells ringing and Blue’s voice was full of affection, “Of course.”

[colorguardsweetheartblurrsgirl]

Hey...Been a while (My Bad)

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy Holidays everyone!!! I know I'm late to the party, life's been kinda CRAZY BUSY Drama and stuff happened. Didn't have time to breath. I did want to post art for the Holidays, art I originally planned for last year. Didn't work out, Wil make eventually, as I love the plan still I set out to make last year and want to still create it. But some new stuff in life that effects schedule was new to me and the exhaustion it brought I wasn't used to. Things seem a bit better so I'm hoping to get back in the swing of it. Starting classes for a month soon so I will have a little less chaos and more time to work on art and stuff hopefully when that happens. (We'll see, prayers all the same)

So, been working on 1st Few chapters, cleaning up. Wanted to know for if you guys wanted me to post favorite lines on occasion. I know I've talked about it before... But maybe set a schedule of every other week or something to share. Like maybe share first lines? Let me know! #stry

~~~

In the meantime, while art has been slower, I have still been working on story bits (so much so I've had days I've tired myself out and wanted to work on other things. But I still have the drive for it. I just give myself occasional break cause you know you don't want something to be a chore when creating. It was more working on some chapters technical stuff which was the chore as it sometimes is. Seems more so when you have it pretty set in stone but have to fix little things that are annoying). I've also been dreadfully stretching out writing out the full outline, I have a form of it in my document (and a terribly built early version from the early days of this fix revolving around the first several chapters events).... However, due to having it fully thought out now I'm at the point I'm hammering nearly 24/7 in my head that while I want to work on art or more story writing I need to sit down and do this. As a visual and do it learner I know for me I need to more so get several printed paper laid out and write in order the outline (not timeline, but that to eventually I've got a very old draft from the early days of the timeline as well. But I need to work on that after too)... So yeah... Just something I'm procrastinating on that despite having the Outline fully or "mostly" fully embodied for the 3-6 books (with all that happens in books 3 or what likely is 5 & 6 I realize it could end up becoming 7 books, but I'm trying to not say that just yet)... But yeah, i have the main things figured out and mostly all events of Book 1 & 2 (most likely it will be Books 1-4 figured out) all the major events have long been in stone for all the books it's just the puzzle pieces of where certain things go and the figuring out battles that is the main thing of the later books not fully visualized ubt story beats are already in stone for the later ends I just realize some may be added to help flesh things out in the later books. Yeah, some reason the one piece of this story that's a chore is getting myself to sit down and do the outline, money isn't a issue at the moment. Though i have some house work that is why some things have been stalled. It's just one of those funny bits I can't get myself to do, despite creating continually for it...

So yeah, really part of me stalling has been trying to get myself to sit down and do what I need to do as a writer instead of relying on the road map in my head (cause I don't want to mess up). That said, lately due to a family member who has connections wanting to read the first few chapters. I've been really working on getting the first five chapters and the Overture (I decided due to length and as it fit better for the story the Prologue is more called the Overture) as I make many references to songs and other reasons. Just like the epilogue (which I long have written and last year I reworked and rewrote, I told my mom what the epilogue entails without reading it to her, as she doesn't want to read any of it till it's created my parents and larger family have been heavily supportive including my friends of me finally setting out to write my first original series... But she literally cried when I told her the ending and the epilogue which I call Before Curtain Bows (and something else that is a stage reference, i grew up on the stage so it's kinda fits to call these such for me and how the story is titled literally spelling out story I kinda pay homage to how they used to be told as if on stage).

Anyways, I know I said I wouldn't do any more long updates. BUt I felt since it's been a while I would. I hope to post more art stuff soon. Unrelated to what I was working on for a while (also to my friend waiting for the birthday gift, I decided to hold it till this birthday so you'll see it in a few months which allows me to work on it a bit more along with other things since it became slightly bigger then I expected it to be while working on it on and off).

Also with the "Recent Business" in my life, it kinda recently inspired me to make just a short, non scheduled Henry Stickmin Collection short random comic with the characters of THSC in a similar place and shenanigans inspired by my experiences in said place. I'll give you more info in the Update 0.5 comic I hope to post and get finished soon. Like I said was to busy to work on anything. But hope to get some of this up soon. I also have a update to my last post where I outlined it and added more details so I'll be posting that (I wanted to see if I can use my scanner but that rooms blocked off by boxes right now gotta figure out a way to navigate it to do so).

Anyways, that's all from me on updates....

Here's a sketch from the 0.5 Update to prove I'm doing stuff other then technical stuff on the novel portion.

THIS WILL BE DIGITILIZED LATER... just rough sketch dump from back when I made this little idea.

[lord-jen-grey]

For the writing ask — 17, 29, 72! ☺️

The questions are: Do you have a writing routine? What is something about your writing that you're proud of? What is your favorite writing compliment you've gotten?

Of course, I couldn't keep it short like the questions probably intended.

It felt kinda obnoxious to write some of these, but I wanted to be honest and own my wee space. Enjoy.

17. Do you have a writing routine?

I suppose I have a few routines. Routines for story creation, chapter development, and writing process.

Routine for story creation:

I usually start with the end of the story first. The purpose of it. I try to ask myself what I generally want my readers to be left with when they finish that last chapter.

I make notes on transformations I want characters to undergo and ideas of how I can imagine them getting there. Is there a personal struggle they need to overcome? (Like P.I. Jamie and his self-destructive guilt.)

I take images or scenes that spring up in my mind and jot down notes on those emotional moments and how I would like to see them play out.

I outline the most major events, and each one of those events is a chapter. I truly like each chapter of my fics to be their own story within a story.

I then take those events and develop a working outline. A map. At least 1 whole page per chapter. I plug all the pieces together on that outline, laying the foundation for the purpose, character transformations, and emotional moments FROM THE BEGINNING. This part feels very much like a puzzle that I'm breaking apart and putting back together. It's very satisfying when the pieces all fit.

The reason I leave extra space on each chapter page in my notes is that I add details as the story progresses. Ideas spring up all the time, and I leave myself room to make the story more interesting and robust as I go. I jot down poems, jokes, small events, phrases, tropes, I want to play with as I go. So, while I have a structure to the story, I allow for significant flexibility within that structure. Sometimes, it takes a lot of problem-solving to make sure it all comes together.

My routine for each chapter:

I review the outline/map, then sit for a few minutes (or hours or days or weeks or months) and decide exactly what it's going to look like.

Then I plow through, forcing myself to write. To just put words on paper. My first draft is usually a mess.

My second draft cleans things up and makes them pretty.

Depending on the length of the thing, sometimes I'll leave it for the next day before I post it or submit to a beta.

I rarely use a beta because A) despite what one might think by my meticulous planning, I'm not a perfectionist and can shrug off mistakes B) I hate pressuring or inconveniencing anyone to read over my work in a specific time frame & C) I get too excited to post to hold out for someone else to read it.

After the relief of posting a chapter, I usually crash for a few hours/days/weeks (depending on how draining it was).

Then I start all over again.

My routine for sitting down to write:

Procrastinate with snacks, WhatsApp, and Twitter.

Research rabbit holes.

Get stuck on ONE SENTENCE for far too long.

Power through and write a TON of words in a few hours (usually super late at night when my kids are asleep).

Read over my work out loud and with bad accents.

Put on AO3 as a draft.

Read it over once more.

Then do it all over again until the fic is done.

29. What is something about your writing that you're proud of?

How about a few things?

I take an awful lot of pride in the variety of stories I write, different genres, different themes, different techniques.

I take pride in my humor and filthy puns. My Jamie Sperms story makes my soul happy in a way you may never understand.

I like the way I characterize Jamie, Claire, and John.

I feel like I am pretty decent at creating complex stories and (hopefully) sweeping the reader away into a little universe I've created (with canon's assistance). I actually feel like this might just be my greatest strength.

I think I write pretty freakin good sex. Realistic sex.

I take pride in my productivity and completing stories, even if it takes me a year or more. I've posted 1.5 million words on AO3, and I think that's pretty awesome.

I think I'm pretty decent at making things sound pretty when I want to.

I think my stories balance angst, humor, fluff, and smut fairly well.

A b*tch is humble too lolololol

72. What is your favorite writing compliment you've gotten?

There have been a few.

I really like the ones that start with "Your mind..." I spend so much time in my mind, it's really fun to let people in and see the sights.

I love the comments about how my story has changed a person's life. I've had a few people tell me my story helped them embrace their sexuality and made it a safe place to come out to family or friends.

I love when people tell me they use specific chapters of specific fics to go back and self-pleasure (en-freaking-joy, my friends).

My dear friend (before we were friends) left me a bullet pointed comment once that was a joy to read through.

I love when people make jokes in my comments. I try hard to share a few laughs, and when people do the same for me, I truly enjoy it. Give me all the puns pls.

I love when people get the overall picture and complexity of what I'm attempting to do and tell me they appreciate it.

I think the best compliment I've ever received that that I opened a person's mind up to enjoying something they didn't think they'd like before. I love it SOOO much.

[yet-another-saberface]

Fate/ & My Anxiety

Okay, so, I kinda had a rough day today, but that rough day really made me want to write this. I’d been thinking about it for a bit, but now I’m sure that this is something I should put out there, because I’m sure at least someone out there has had a similar experience. And if I write this correctly, it should be an interesting read anyways. (Post now updated with a cut & pretty gifs and things! I tried to keep the gifs more positive to offset some of the more serious parts of what I’m discussing.) So uh... Enjoy I guess? It’s kinda what it says on the tin.

Warning for serious mentions of anxiety and stuff. But I try to keep it lighter than it could be. For anyone else that might have some anxiety problems like me, it might help you to read this, because it’s really just a discussion of some themes I’ve taken away from the series that really helped me with my own anxiety. But whether you read it or not you should probably take a sec to breathe, that never hurts.

So. I’m going to be upfront about this. I have anxiety. Not just a normal amount of stress, but actual, diagnosed anxiety. I am not medicated, but at the moment that’s mostly because my doctors think that trying medication during this whole pandemic situation wouldn’t actually let them know if it would help me in the long term. I’ve been living with anxiety for pretty much my entire life, but I just thought everyone was stressed out, and that life sucked, and that I was bad at dealing with it. But that wasn’t the case.

But one thing is going to ring true for me regardless of what the state of my anxiety is, be it in the moment or over the course of my life. And that’s that like most things, media helped me with it before I even realized what it was. As I sit around in quarantine and try to manage my fluctuating stress levels, I’ve found myself drifting back to the Fate Series, and FGO, after taking a break from them for few months, arguably even the past year.

At this point, it’s been around 3 years, maybe even 4, since I originally discovered Fate. And I’m not going to lie, I didn’t get the best possible first impression, because I started with the Deen anime from 2005. I’d seen Saber before, had no idea who she was other than some chic I vaguely looked like with a good character design and a sword, and saw her on the cover of an anime. So I watched it. I had no idea what the hell was going on, and was trying to piece everything together as I watched, but I watched to the end. And I liked it. It definitely wasn’t my favorite show. But when I heard that it was “the bad one,” and that there was more, I gladly went to go watch it.

And that might not make sense at first, but I’m emitting a huge detail. I was, and still am, a huge mythology nerd. As I was watching the original Stay Night anime, I was fascinated by the portrayals of these characters that, technically, I already knew. And I was really into the idea that there was more of that.

So later that year, I watched Fate/Zero. And I’m gonna be honest, I was too young to really appreciate everything it had to offer, and I’m planning on going back to it soon, but I loved every second of that show. When I got the chance, I binged through it, and it was heavy stuff, but I couldn’t take my eyes away from it.

And after that, I started looking up what else there was. I watched Carnival Phantasm in maybe 2 days tops and adored it. I procrastinate on watching a lot of stuff, because I found myself having less and less time to myself, but that same summer I watched Zero, I also started playing FGO. I started the game for the characters I already knew. I stayed because I found a story I was genuinely invested in on its own, and a community that was really fun to observe, if not be an active part of. I still remember sitting down on a day when I had nothing to do and finishing Okeanos all in one go. Or laying down after a long day at school and doing the same to a ReRun event. It was a great stress outlet, and I was invested.

But the more I look back on all of that, I start to see details that explain even better why I was so invested. I don’t have a single favorite Fate character, but I will admit that I adore Saber. She’s what drew me in, my friends who know Fate apparently think I look like her, and we all know the Excalibur scene from Zero looks like it should be in an actual movie.

I won’t claim to be a character expert, despite being a writer. I didn’t write Saber, let alone any other Fate character. But the more I think about her, the more I start to realize that yeah, I understand a lot of what she’s gone through. Do I know what it’s like to be a King and run a country and what that entails? No obviously not. But I do know what it’s like to feel that you have a duty to everyone around you to not screw things up. I understand how someone could feel extremely guilty when they do eventually screw things up. There’s a lot of ways to look at any character, but I realize now that from the beginning that that specific idea was the lens through which I understood Saber.

And it holds true for most other characters. With Shirou, did I understand losing your parental figure or an undying desire to be a hero? Not really. But I did understand the fact that he felt like he wasn’t good enough, and that he gained value by putting himself on the line for others. I may not have risked my life for another person, but I’ve definitely put myself through mental stress enough to induce multiple panic attacks a day for other people.

And now we get to the part of this... I don’t want to call it an essay. The part of this post. Where I talk about Gil.

Am I aware that in most (early) depictions of him in Fate, he’s a horrible dick of a person who deserves no respect? Yes, I am.

But I also know that when I think about some of the less horrible aspects of him as a character now, there’s stuff in there I should take away that is good. I just went on an whole rant about how I can understand low self esteem and self sacrifice and crushing responsibility and the pressure to not screw it all up. And these days, I can’t stop thinking about how Saber admitted to a lot of that and (this is obviously a gross oversimplification but you should get by now that this is personal and specific) the response from Gil and Rider was “It sounds like you aren’t living life as happily as you could and are setting a bad example of how to live life for those that look up to you.” And that idea keeps coming back to me in every moment when I’m having an anxiety attack, or cram studying even though I know I’m ready, or finishing something due two weeks from now tonight because I won’t have to do it later. And it only hits me harder because I know I’m not a King or anything lofty like that, but I am a labeled “gifted student” and a support person for many of my friends and a designated “responsible one” and all of these other things. And yet I’m preaching for them to do as I say not as I do when it comes to enjoying life and taking care of yourself.

I don’t know if I fully internalized that message when I first watched that scene. But I must have in some capacity because it still haunts me now, reminding me that maybe I shouldn’t be giving into all of this stress. And I’m trying, I really am, to keep that in mind as I fight against all of it and try to keep things under control.

And then there’s Babylonia. When I really get down to it, I have a pretty strong emotional connection to this part of FGO. I joined the game pretty late, roughly right after Camelot’s release, so I had a lot of catching up to do. But I caught up, and I got to experience this story that I’d heard was one of the best in the game as it came out. If I wanted to I could say a LOT more about Babylonia, and maybe I will in the future. 

But I’m not going to deny that CasGil has been a pretty prominent presence in my mind ever since when it comes to stress and responsibility. (Heck I could probably talk about just him specifically for at least a good 5th of what I have so say about Babylonia. Maybe I will someday.) I mean, it’s kind of his thing, you see the fandom joke about it all the time how he’s the Gil that doesn’t sleep because he just keeps on working and working and working. And that’s why there was this one moment when I was watching the Babylonia anime that now stands out to me. When Gil goes with the player out to the observatory, he just leaves. He doesn’t bother apologizing to anyone or explaining his actions, he just goes. And we know, as basically an outsider, that this is him taking a break. He needed a break and so he just took a break without any clarifications or explanations or apologies. Sure he might justify it to the player has needing to do some other work out there, but that actually makes it hit harder for me. Because he’s justifying his breaks as more work.

I used to be lucky enough to have a clear cut line between what was my time and what was other people’s time (that I was giving them out of my time) and what time belonged to school/work. And now all of that has been thrown out the window and I’ve been having to teach myself how to do what I just described.

Take a goddamn break without having to tell everyone else how sorry I am for taking a day to actually rest and breathe and all those other important things. And yet I still have to justify those breaks to myself as time to take care of other things. 90% of the time, those breaks aren’t breaks to me, they’re time to work on my novel instead of my essay, or something like that.

And then I glance down at my phone and I’m hit with most of what I just wrote flooding into my head. And I try to tell myself that no, it’s okay to just take a break. And that I should be allowing myself to enjoy being alive instead of being a slave to expectations and responsibilities. And that as a person I know other people look up to I should be setting a better example of how to take care of yourself. And sometimes it works. Other times there’s more things at play and it doesn’t get through to me the same way, but it’s something that works. All of the hours I’ve spent with those character remind me that what I’m doing isn’t okay on a pretty regular basis at this point. And I’m really glad for that. And I hope that all of this stuff will continue to help me as it’s helping me right now.

At least I know that when I feel like I’m freaking out, I can open FGO and play through a quest and I’ll usually feel better. So I’m just gonna keep trying, keep managing, until I find a place where it’s finally all okay again, as much as it can be.

(P.S: More reasons that CasGil is my grailing target right now? Yeah that’s true but these reasons are deeper than “I got a Merlin look at that” or “Grailing Jalter is useful.” He’s a character that’s genuinely important to me and I think that finally investing in him is going to be really satisfying for me.)

[2manyfandoms2count]

#MarichatMay Day 6

Wasn’t very inspired by the first few days, but this one spoke to me to me for some reason. Not sure it came out as good as what I imagined, but I tried!

Small warning, I know it’s supposed to be Marichat May, but I’m a sucker for all the square ships and I don’t really know how to separate them so this is Marichat with a splash of Adrienette.

Hope you enjoy! And thanks @marichatmay for hosting this!

---

Day 6: Hold my baton

Marinette had waited all day for science class. Not that she particularly favoured Mrs. Mendeleiev’s class, but because today was the beginning of an important project that would carry through to the end of the year. A project in pairs. 

She hadn’t really thought about it until that morning, assuming that as per usual, she’d be teamed up with Alya, but her best friend had had an agenda. Tired of Marinette’s constant procrastination when it came to confessing her feelings to Adrien, the young girl had decided to be the catalyst of the love reaction 95% of the class was dying to see happen.

“Nuh-uh Mari, not pairing up with you this time. Nino and I have been brainstorming how to sequence DNA from akumas to expose Hawkmoth for months, I’m not abandoning this project. It’s a win-win situation, you’ll have to work with Adrien since  everybody’s keeping their usual pair, this is your chance girl! Just imagine, two months of working closely with Adrien, that’s more than enough time for things to happen if you know what I mean.” She’d waggled her eyebrows suggestively while Marinette weighed her options. It was a foolproof plan. Just a pair switch. Another opportunity to spend this much time with Adrien might not even present itself again. 

She’d agreed seemingly reluctantly -she didn’t want to give Alya the impression that she could do this all the time- but inside she’d been jumping around with joy. It was going to be perfect.

That was without counting on Lila spreading chaotic evilness as she always did, of course. Marinette had almost forgotten about her, she hadn’t been in class for so long. But the girl had made yet another appearance in her life, and with another one of her well-weaved lies she’d captured Adrien in her web, leaving Marinette to work with Chloe and Sabrina, of all people.

She dragged her feet home, internally screaming about how much of a disaster this whole situation had turned out to be.

Her sudden change of mood, from bubbly stammering adorableness to slumped damsel is depressed, had not gone unnoticed by a certain green-eyed boy, however. He had helplessly observed the light leave her eyes as words flew out of Lila’s mouth. He hadn’t even been able to express his own opinion on the pairing choice; had it been up to him, he’d definitely have picked his good friend Marinette to be his pair. She’d left so fast after class that he hadn’t even been able to talk to her.And even if he had, he wasn’t sure he would have been able to make her feel better. But he had a feline someone else could...

Marinette was lying on her bed when she heard a soft rasping sound coming from her terrasse trap door.

“Hey there purr-incess,” Chat Noir winked as she let him in. He was slightly taken aback by the strong hug he was suddenly engulfed in, but promptly hugged her back just as tight.

“You wouldn’t believe how happy I am to see you, kitty.” Marinette whispered. She could have cried, that’s how happy she was to see her favourite partner in crime-solving. “How do you always know when I need someone to talk to?” She gazed into his green cat eyes.

He was half tempted to reveal his real identity to her in that moment, but he doubted Ladybug would approve, even if Marinette was the most trust-worthy person he knew. “Oh, umm...” He stammered, releasing himself from her embrace. “Ladybug and I have been fitted with new powers that allow us to sense negative emotions so we’re ahead of Hawkmoth for akumatisations.” That sounded plausible.

“Is that so?” Marinette replied, a slight twinkle returning in her eye. 

“Yes, and I felt a very negative aura coming out of you, so I thought I’d check everything was alright.”

“That’s very kind Chat, but I’m afraid there isn’t much you can do. It’s just my usual bad luck.” She sighed.

Chat Noir narrowed his eyes. “Who hurt you purr-incess? Is it that boy you like? Who is he? Who does he think he is? Nobody hurts my Marinette and gets to live with it. I’ll fight him for you, you’ll see. Here, hold my baton.” He shoved his weapon in Marinette’s hands and got into a fighting stance, throwing a couple punches in the air. Then on Marinette’s mannequin, which collapsed on him, the hat it was carrying falling on his face. “Actually forget it, that’s a terrible idea. I’m a much better fighter with it.” He straightened the mess he’d made and snatched his rod back from Marinette’s grasp, twirling it like a circus baton. He sneaked a look at her facial expression; she looked amused so he continued clowning around. “Or maybe you could fight him, who knows, it could be cat-thartic.” He winked.

She burst out lauging. “Chat, you do know your puns get worse by the day, right?” 

“You sound like Ladybug.” He pouted, crossing his arms and turning away from her. He had a giddy feeling in his stomach from making her laugh though.

“I never said I didn’t like it.” She smiled, touching his arm lightly. She was slightly flushed. “Thanks kitty, but it’s not Ad-... I mean, the boy I like. I mean, I was supposed to work with him on a project but this girl... You know her, Lila, she ruined it...”

As she was ranting about the day’s events, Chat half-listened, half tried to figure out who the boy might be. Could it be she finally reciprocated Nathanael’s feelings? Was it someone else? Whoever it was, he didn’t deserve her. He crossed eyes with a particularly bad photo of himself -well, of Adrien-, making what he liked to call his “boy, ya dumb” face. It was front and center on a panel of other modelling “grotographs” of him, because he was wearing her hat.

“... Anyway, I’d rather you didn’t go after her, she’s too much of a wild card. No need to give her an excuse to be akumatised again. She could seriously harm you. And Ladybug. I’ll definitely hold your baton if you decide to fight her.”

“Fine, I’ll step down, if that’s what you wish.” He bowed.

There was a big explosion outside, which had them both running to the window to see what was going on. The Eiffel Tower had collapsed. Again.

“They really should have called it the Eistand Tower, maybe then people would be less inclined to making it explode,” Chat muttered, earning himself an amused glance from Marinette. 

“Seems like your new power doesn’t work very well if you couldn’t detect whatever caused that to happen,” she teased him, basically pushing him up the stairs towards her trap door. “You should really go, kitty, you don’t want to leave poor Ladybug fighting alone. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be safe in this sturdy building.” She grinned, knocking on her wall.

“I’m sure you will,” he chuckled, opening the latch. He turned back before taking off. “Hey Marinette?”

“Yes?” She asked absentmindedly, eyeing the damage on the horizon. 

“Whoever it is, I’m sure your man would have much preferred working with you than with Lila.” He knew he would have. Despite his benevolence, he himself was starting to think Lila was beyond help. 

“Thanks, Chat.” She smiled tenderly and kissed him on the cheek. “Now go save Paris!”

Chat leapt away before she could hear the purr that emerged from his chest, making a “so long” gesture as he departed. “I have a feline we’ll see each other soon, my purr-incess!” He yelled.

“Sooner than you think, chaton,” she whispered as she waved at him. She got back inside her room. Was it normal her heart fluttered so much when he came to visit? What had gotten over her, to kiss him? He was going to get the wrong idea again. But would that be so bad?... She decided to answer those questions later. She had a city to save, after all.

“Tikki, spots on!”

[falseh0od]

All They Really Need

It’s finally here.

Note: A reminder that this is being written Right Now in honor of a strike that is happening on TikTok! There's been an influx of toxic Fanders on TikTok who seem to think that Logicality, Prinxiety, Dukeceit, and Remile are the only valid Sanders Sides ships which is nowhere near the truth! So, a lot of Sanders Sides cosplayers (myself included) are going on a two-week Sanders Sides cosplay strike to stand up to the bullies, and I'm also writing this finally as well! Because I will *always* prefer Analogical and Royality above any other ship, especially Logicality and Prinxiety! So enjoy my boys being gay disasters and finally deciding to make a lifelong promise to each other!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22446493

Summary: Virgil decides it's time for the next big step in his relationship with Logan... no matter how irrelevant it may seem.

TWs: a couple swear words, some anxiety, but nothing horrible!

It was a quiet day in the Mindscape.

Virgil was quietly lounging on the couch in the living room, scrolling through Tumblr and generally minding his own business. On the surface level, it might’ve looked like Virgil was just indulging in his typical emo content on Tumblr.

However, the side was actually desperately attempting (with attempting being the keyword here) to pull together a date plan for the evening.

Today was his and Logan’s two year dating anniversary, and although Virgil had come up with his overall plan for the evening a month ago, he had been so anxious about pulling it off that he had been procrastinating it ever since.

This had all stemmed after Roman had suddenly actually proposed to Patton nearly six months ago. It had been a shock to everyone- Patton included! But the two were determined to take that next step in their relationship despite the fact that it wasn’t possible for Sides to legally be married.

Considering that they had basically everything they could possibly want at their disposal, the wedding planning had gone smoothly and had taken much less time than it normally would. As a result, the wedding had happened about two months ago. Virgil and Logan had been the ‘best men’, and Thomas had done his best to officiate.

And in all honesty, Virgil had never seen either side as happy as they had been for the past two months.

Did Virgil originally think that the concept of them, as sides, getting ‘married’ was unimportant because they would never be truly married anyway? Yeah. Logan had clearly felt the same right after the announcement had been made, too. But Virgil couldn’t deny the rising feeling of longing. He didn’t want anything big or over-the-top, but goddamnit, he wanted to make that lifelong promise to the one person he loved most.

He didn’t know how Logan would feel, but he was hoping Logan would agree.

So here he was, ring in his pocket, scrolling through Tumblr trying desperately to come up with a good way to propose.

That was until his peaceful mid-morning was suddenly interrupted by a very loud Prince.

“Yes, the wind blows a little bit colder!” Roman burst into the room, singing what had quickly become one of his favorite songs from Frozen II to sing (especially when he was doing a duet with Patton). “And we’re all getting older! Aaand the clouds are moving on with every autumn breeeeze!”

Roman continued to sing through the first verse of the song, giving both Anna and Olaf’s lines his all. Virgil just rolled his eyes, trying to put his focus back on Tumblr.

That is until he had an idea.

Besides, maybe Roman could help him, anyway.

As soon as Roman got to the start of the second verse, before Roman could continue, Virgil butted in.

“The leaves are already falling,” he sang (a rare occurrence indeed, but he could make an exception). “Sven, it feels like the future is calling.”

Roman paused for half a second, almost instantly catching Virgil’s drift. A wide grin almost instantly formed on his face. “Are you telling me tonight you’re going to get down on one knee???”

Virgil sat up and gave Roman a quick nod, continuing on. “Yeah, but I’m really bad at planning these things out- like candlelight and pulling of rings out.”

Roman plopped down next to him. “Maybe you should leave all the romantic stuff to me…”

Virgil just rolled his eyes. “Some things never change… like the love that I feel for him.” (yes, purposely changing the pronoun.) “Some things never change… like how reindeers are easier. But if I commit and I go for it, I’ll know what to say and do… right?”

Roman gave him a Look. “Some things never change…” He then smirked and stole Virgil’s last line. “Virge, the pressure is all on you.”

Virgil shoved him gently in response. Roman just laughed, deciding not to continue with the song. “So, I thought you two thought getting married was irrelevant?”

“I mean, I did,” Virgil muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. “But… I’ve realized that I wanna make that promise to him.”

Roman nodded. “You know, Virgil, that was actually exactly my reasoning behind proposing to Patton, and sometimes that’s the only reasoning you need. I think, even if he still thinks it’s irrelevant, he’ll do it for you if you truly want it.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right. The only problem I’m having is figuring out just how the hell to do it.”

“Mm, I see. Well, I have a few ideas, if you’d like to hear them.”

“As long as they’re not too extra, I’m all ears.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Virgil stood outside of Logan’s room, hand in his pocket, clutching the ring box.

It had turned out that Roman could actually have some down-to-earth ideas if he really wanted to, and had helped Virgil come up with a solid plan for the evening that could be easily amended if needed. It was simple and quaint, and Virgil was feeling pretty good about it.

Save for the butterflies in his stomach about the proposal, but that was normal, right?

Virgil took a deep breath and knocked on Logan’s door.

He had taken it upon himself to actually look somewhat decent for the evening. He was wearing the only tie he owned, which resembled his hoodie to a point, along with a purple button-down. It was similar to what he had worn in the courtroom, though Virgil had made a point to wear a black vest, too, to put some distance between the two events.

He was still wearing his hoodie, though. No amount of persuasion from Roman could keep him from wearing it. He was also wearing his signature ripped black skinny jeans as well because they looked good with formal outfits and Virgil would die on that hill.

The door opened, and Virgil’s breath suddenly disappeared.

Logan was looking even more dapper than ever and holy fuck was Virgil gay.

He was wearing a black button-down in replacement of his usual polo, along with his signature tie- but adding on a snazzy blazer that had a gorgeous galaxy print. Adding in the dress pants and shoes Virgil was starting to feel slightly underdressed but he knew Logan wouldn’t care.

“You good there, starlight?” Logan asked, almost teasing in a way.

Virgil finally found his voice. “Oh, uh, yeah, I’m ga- good. I’m good.

Logan just laughed softly and the two leaned in for a quick kiss.

Virgil spoke up after they broke apart. “So, I have a couple of things planned for the evening, actually. For after dinner.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I managed to convince Roman to let me borrow the imagination for the night.”

“That actually sounds wonderful, Virgil. I think that’ll be a nice change of pace for a date night.”

“Well, it is our anniversary. I thought it would be appropriate.”

“Indeed.” Logan put his hand around Virgil’s waist, and Virgil put his own hand around Logan’s as they walked down to the kitchen.

Where they were treated to a sight that Virgil was not expecting.

Patton was dressed up in a chef outfit, humming ‘Into the Unknown’ as he stirred a pot on the stove.

“Patton!” Virgil exclaimed. “I thought we had kitchen rights for the night?”

Patton turned to them and grinned. “Aww, you two look so dapper! Oh, yes, Virgil, you guys do have kitchen rights for tonight! I just thought I would do something nice for you two for your anniversary and cook dinner!”

Virgil went red. “Oh- uhh. Well, I guess that works. Thanks, Pat.”

“No problem!” Patton then winked at him and Virgil resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands and groan.

Of course Roman had gotten Patton into this.

He couldn’t complain though, because Patton was the best cook out of all of them, and he had just been planning to stick a frozen pizza in the oven. Roman had probably taken personal offense at that crime against romance at its very core and enlisted Patton for help.

“That indeed sounds wonderful, Patton. What are you making?” Logan asked.

“My secret spaghetti recipe!”

That recipe was not secret, but it was one of Patton’s best recipes, so Virgil couldn’t complain.

“Oh, cool,” Virgil nodded, walking over to the table and pulling a chair out for Logan (like a gentleman, of course). Logan sat down, saying a quick thank you to Virgil as Virgil went to sit down himself.

As they waited for Patton to finish, the two of them chatted quietly, talking about the day they each had, holding hands across the table and just generally being sappy.

After a while, Patton finally came over with two plates of spaghetti in his hands.

“There’s more on the stove if you want seconds!” he said cheerfully. “Don’t worry ‘bout the dishes when you finish, I’ll take care of them later!”

“Are you certain, Patton?” Logan asked, raising an eyebrow.

“You two deserve to enjoy your evening, I can do the dishes for ya!”

Virgil gave in with a shrug. “If you’re positive.”

“I very much am! Now, enjoy your dinner, and if you need Ro or I for any reason whatsoever, we’ll be in the living room watching Mulan!”

Suddenly, in the distance, both left-brained sides heard Roman start booming out the lyrics to ‘Let’s Get Down to Business’.

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Sounds good, Pat. Have fun.”

“I’ll do my best,” he grinned with a wink, walking off.

Logan and Virgil then dug into their dinner, which tasted even better than it ever had before. Patton had obviously made certain everything was perfect. It was mostly silent as they ate, both trying to be polite so as to not make the other have to talk with their mouth full or to have to wait awkwardly to finish chewing before they responded

Then, as they finished, Logan finally spoke up. “So, what’s the plan?”

“Well, Roman conjured a movie theatre in the imagination for me, and I picked out an astronomy documentary I’m 90% certain you haven’t seen.”

“An astronomy documentary I haven’t seen? What a concept.”

Virgil laughed. “Nerd.” Virgil then grabbed Logan’s plate and stacked it on top of his own, putting their utensils on top. He stood up, then held out his arm. “Shall we head out?”

Logan took his arm. “Indeed.”

The two stopped momentarily to share another kiss, which lingered longer than the one before.

“God I love you,” Virgil murmured.

“I love you as well.”

Virgil led them to the door to the imagination and opened it.

Logan gasped.

Virgil had spent a good two hours in the imagination with Roman making sure it looked absolutely perfect. They had studied star charts and replicated the night sky to the best of their ability with the time they had and made sure the setting was in the middle of nowhere. Virgil would’ve liked if they’d managed to figure out the whole ‘movie theatre in the middle of nowhere’ concept, but he digressed. He was still happy with how it turned out, and this was the Imagination anyway- things almost never made sense.

“Virgil, this is beautiful,” Logan whispered, almost even choked up a little bit.

“Roman and I spent all afternoon on this,” Virgil nodded. “I owe him one.”

“Yet Roman would never have been able to replicate the night sky to this degree of accuracy if you hadn’t helped him,” Logan added. “Don’t tell him I said that, though. I can clearly see the personal touches you added to this. I absolutely adore it.”

Virgil hardcore blushed. “Thanks, Lo. Shall we head to the theatre?”

“After you.”

The walk to the theatre was only a few minutes long, but it was a few minutes of blissful silence as he appreciated the company of his boyfriend… hopefully soon-to-be fiance.

As they got to the theatre, Logan took the opportunity to be the gentleman and opened the door for him. Virgil walked through and held out his own arm again in an attempt at the domination of the gentleman role again. Logan relented and let his boyfriend take the lead.

They entered the screening room, which was completely empty save for them.

“Any preference on where we sit?” Virgil asked.

“Might we sit right in the middle? I think that’s a prime spot for optimal view.”

“I agree, middle it is.”

They quickly took their seats and Virgil conjured drinks- iced coffee for Logan in his favorite mug, and hot black coffee for himself. Logan settled into his chair, putting his arm around Virgil. Virgil slid closer to Logan and put his head on the other’s shoulder.

The opening of the documentary came on, and Logan immediately reacted with “I can confirm that I have not seen this documentary!”

Virgil laughed. “Thank god.”

As the film progressed, both sides settled in even closer to learn about the stars some more together. As time went on, the two continued to move closer and closer together, until Virgil turned their two chairs and the one on the other side of Logan into a couch so they could cuddle.

Virgil could tell that not only was this a documentary that the logical side hadn’t ever seen before, there was also content discussed that Logan had not known before. Looking up every so often, Virgil could see metaphorical stars (pun) in Logan’s eyes as he listened intently to every word spoken.

Everything had turned out perfect.

And as the credits rolled, Virgil knew it was time.

Logan sighed as he sat up from where he had been sitting, leaning against Virgil. “That was thoroughly fascinating, Virgil. I can’t believe you managed to find a new documentary!”

“Well, sometimes it just takes a little deeper searching to find what you need. The internet is a wonderful place sometimes.” Virgil sat up as well and stretched as his heart began to race.

“Thank you so much for this, Virgil. Oh, did you have anything else planned, or are we returning to the mindscape?” Virgil’s heart melted at the pure hope in Logan’s eyes, knowing the side wanted to stargaze more than anything. Thankfully, Virgil knew the other side very well.

“You really think I would create a nearly-perfect night sky and not give you the opportunity to stare at it for hours on end?” Virgil teased. “Don’t worry, love, that was the plan all along. Right after one other thing.”

“Oh?”

As his heart pounded relentlessly, Virgil almost chickened out, losing a good portion of the confidence he had built up over the course of the evening in a matter of milliseconds.

But pushing past the thoughts in his mind telling him not to do it, this is a horrible idea, he’s going to hate you- Virgil cleared his throat and began to talk.

“I know we talked a lot about this when the topic first came up, and we both agreed at the time that it was kinda unnecessary, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few months, about all sorts of things. About how much better my life has been since I left the dark sides. Since I joined this family. Since… I first went out with you.”

Virgil swallowed. “And I’ve realized that my life would be nowhere near as incredible as it is now if you hadn’t asked me to be with you. You have made my life, which was pretty shitty beforehand, actually mean something, when four years ago, I would’ve said to anyone who asked that I wished I didn’t exist. Thomas himself said that ‘it’s a pretty big deal when someone makes you enjoy something you’d normally dread’… especially if that something is life itself.

“I know you might still see this as an ‘unnecessary formality that we don’t need to pursue in order for our relationship to be whole’, but even then… I want this, even if it’s only to make you a promise of forever. I love you with all my being, Logan Sanders.”

The butterflies were gone.

Virgil pulled out the ring box and got down on one knee on the floor in front of Logan. “Will you marry me?”

He opened the box to reveal the ring he had put so much time and effort into summoning. It was a simple black band, with purple highlights, decorated with small white diamonds resembling stars, forming some of Logan’s favorite constellations.

Logan was stunned speechless for a few moments, and Virgil suddenly had an influx of overwhelming anxiety.

He’sgonnasaynohe’sgonnasaynohe’sgonna-

Then Logan went red and buried his face in his hands. “I should’ve seen this coming. I should’ve known this was going to happen.”

“What?” Virgil was very confused.

Logan lifted his head up and Virgil was greeted with one of the most genuinely amused smiles he’d ever seen on the other’s face. Logan then reached into his pocket and pulled something of his own out.

Another ring box.

Virgil’s mouth fell open. “Oh my god.”

“Only we could pull this off.”

Virgil then buried his face in his hands. “We’re so useless.”

They then looked at each other in the eye and broke out into hysterical laughter. Logan fell onto the floor beside Virgil as they leaned against each other, laughing harder than either of them could ever remember.

As Virgil started to attempt to compose himself, wiping a stray tear from his eye, he asked, “So is that a yes?”

Logan nearly started laughing again. “Yes, Virgil. That’s a yes.”

Composure regained, the two of them then launched into a hug, holding on as tight as possible.

Virgil only pulled away for a kiss, and then to slide the ring onto Logan’s ring finger. Logan then finally opened the ring box he had brought, showing Virgil the solid black ring band with a sparkling purple amethyst donning the middle he had chosen for him. Virgil nearly burst into tears at the sight. It was absolutely perfect.

Rings exchanged, they leaned in for another long, perfect kiss. Virgil wrapped his arms around Logan’s neck, and Logan wrapped his arms around Virgil’s waist.

When they broke apart, Virgil was the one who spoke first. “Ready for that stargazing I promised?”

“More than anything.”

Hand in hand, the two newly engaged sides walked out of the theatre and over to the field Virgil had chosen as the perfect stargazing spot.

The rest of the evening would be perfect as they talked about the events that lead up to this. Logan would even share that it was, in fact, he who got Patton to cook dinner, having informed the moral side of his plans that afternoon just as Virgil had with Roman. Patton had no idea Virgil was also planning to propose (and Virgil realized the winks were probably aimed at Logan, not him).

Which also likely meant that Roman hadn’t known that Logan was planning to propose. The other two sides were in for quite a tale when they returned.

But for now, Logan and Virgil just laid down in the middle of the field, the perfect spot for optimal view of the stars, cuddling close together as they enjoyed each other's company.

Yeah, maybe the concept of the Sides getting married was pretty preposterous.

But when it comes down to the bare essentials, marriage was just a lifelong promise to be together for each other, no matter what.

And that was all they really needed.

----

AAAAH IT’S DONE

I HOPE YOU ALL LIKED THIS

I LOVE MY CHAOTIC GAY BOYS

Taglist (of one person):

@cefinitely-rolo bless your soul

[ettawritesnstudies]

Etta’s big creative to do list for when I’m not drowning in final exams

(the rest are below the cut because this got LONG! I am putting this here so you have some idea of the stuff I’ll be posting about come Monday 5/11 and also so I can find it again instead of putting it in my notebook where it will inevitably get lost among my fluids practice and history essay jottings. if you’re curious about the fact that I am not yet done with my semester, yes, I am absolutely procrastinating an essay right now by writing this. don’t worry about it.)

FINISH STORGE!! I’m only like 3 chapters away from writing The End and I desperately want to do that this year so I can edit and start sharing snippets with alpha readers by this time next year at the latest :D

Outline the Laoche Chronicles

this includes the trilogy outline in broad strokes to make sure everything sets up the next points

a detailed outline for the first book which will need a name eventually

(my outlining process can be found here!)

Character profiles for all the new OCs

(this process can be found in this post!

worldbuilding write-up questionnaire for the new civilizations that’ll feature in the main trilogy and differ from Storge

Learn how to make edits for tumblr because graphic design and anything resembling Proper Authors Platform Branding continue to elude me

This won’t happen this month, but I need to do a cleanout of the social media’s I do have so I can put writing stuff there too and start a proper Author’s Internet Presence. If I do finish Storge this year, I’ll be looking for beta readers eventually and I need to have something to show for myself. This includes...

doing a mass edit of this blog and organizing my tags

teaching myself HTML/CSS and making a custom blog theme that works for my needs or commissioning someone to do this for me

making a Laoche Chronicles wip page

buying a domain and designing an actual authors website

making an #aesthetictrash book Instagram? I’m vaguely aware this is something people do but I only use insta for it’s chat feature with my college friends so I know not the first thing about how that works

I have a disasterous Pinterest that’s 100% private boards for my various bits of nonsense that needs to be turned into a place to showcase WIP aesthetics

I refuse to touch twitter nor facebook nor snapchat nor ticktock with a fifteen foot pole

if you couldn’t tell by now, I was that kid who had a brick trac-phone until 10th grade, and used my smartphone primarily as a music device until very recently

Write a considerable backlog for my Newsies fanfic so I don’t fall behind whenever I go to my internship in a month

Finish the intro for my Vampire Plague Doctor Buddy Cop story and the Chaotic SFF Academia idea that I started last month, and write a few one shots for those Maybe start posting them somewhere if I’m happy with how they turn out?

Make a proper quilt from the 10389238320923 old event t-shirts I have sitting in a pile in the basement so I can take it to college with me in the fall. (also maybe mockup a walking skirt out of an old sheet, so I at least have an idea of what to do whenever proper fabric stores open again)

It’s going to be below freezing tomorrow for SOME REASON despite being MID- MAY, but I need to plant my garden and make a compost pile at some point

Make a list of art skills to start practicing so I can tackle the concept of “learning to draw” in a logical manner like you would in a class, and start doing these drills

Also participate in the rest of MerMay

Read a few books! My current next list of TBR looks like this

Illthdar! I have been dying to get my hands on @illthdar‘s book but I didn’t want to start it during the school year and then have to inevitably put it down like two chapters in because I had boring real life obligations to attend to, so this is my first read for as soon as I’m done with the semester on Sunday.

Pride and Prejudice, which I've heard is excellent and regrettably not actually read yet (nor any of Austen, yes I’m a heretic I know, but I’m also an engineering student and 90% of my time is spent doing maths)

Storm of Fire and Blood - I have had this book for a year and put it down because of school which is a crying shame because I really love this series! For any religious/historical fiction fans I highly recommend the Sword and Serpent trilogy! It’s a retelling of the story of St. George and the Dragon long before he’s ever a saint. I think anyone could enjoy it, but if you’re Catholic or enjoy early Christian history, you’ll get a lot of the references and saint cameos and it’s just! A lot of fun!!

also my patron St. Katherine of Alexandria is a major character in the 2nd and 3rd books and she’s absolutely wonderful so I might be just a little bit biased

Make a few watercolor maps of the world of Laoche! Including detailed maps of the city of Maaren where Storge takes place, and Arga (one of the countries in the later trilogy)

update my bullet journal which has been languishing unused on my dresser since march when I moved home from college 

Carve new dulcimer hammers and teach myself a few songs. (also maybe try to make a longbow or new bridges for the dulcimer but that’s all probably a BIT of a stretch)

Brush up on my piano and guitar practice because I am very very rusty. I need to find some new songs to learn because I don’t really want to relearn Debussy or Chopin again, but I need to find some good ones first...

If you’re still reading this. Wow. Congratulations. That was a lot. and thank you! But yeah! This is what’s been knocking around in my head recently while I was supposed to be studying, but now that it is out of my head and into a post hopefully I will be able to focus again :P This is extremely ambitious and I 100000% will not be able to finish everything on this list, but! it is a plan! Wish me luck!

[michelles-garden-of-evil]

Shadow Over Seventh Heaven Review, Part I: Last Night I Dreamt I Went to Maljardin Again

Once, April Tennant had been the greatest screen star of all. Even now that this stunning creature was gone, the victim of a hideous accident, her name still cast a magic glow. And nowhere was her haunting spell more alive than within her great walled estate of San Rafael.

It was here that April had lived in her storybook marriage with famed actor Richard Morgan. It was here that her memory was worshipped still. And it was here that lovely young Jenny Summers came as Richard Morgan's new bride--to discover the terror behind the tinsel in this place transformed from a paradise of the living to a hell of the undead.... (inside front cover)

Welcome, fellow Strangers and all others who happen upon this post. This week, I have decided to begin a new series exploring the Gothic novels written by co-creator and first headwriter of Strange Paradise, Ian Martin, under the pen name Joen Arliss. Mostly, the purpose of this series will be to compare the plot and characters of Strange Paradise and those of his novels and what that may indicate about his original intentions for the overarching story of the soap opera.

I got the idea to start this series while writing my review of Episode 26, after the contents of an article referenced in one of the scenes reminded me of the events in this book. On his now-defunct website Maljardin.com, Curt Ladnier covered some of the similarities between “Here Goes the Bride,” the CBS Radio Mystery Theater drama from which this book was adapted, and Strange Paradise, but I wanted to dive deeper and do one of my characteristic overanalyses. So fly with me to the grand southwestern estate of San Rafael and together let’s explore Shadow Over Seventh Heaven--and let me warn you, there will be spoilers for the entire Maljardin arc of SP.

As noted above, Shadow Over Seventh Heaven is an adaptation of a radio drama that Martin wrote for CBS Radio Mystery Theater. CBSRMT is, perhaps unquestionably, Ian Martin’s most famous work. Created by Himan Brown in 1974 and running for 1,399 nightly episodes, Martin wrote a total of 243 (including many adaptations of literary classics) and acted in 255, typically in supporting roles. He continued writing and acting on the series all the way until his death in 1981 at the age of 69. Given my tendency to procrastinate, which sometimes makes it difficult to write just one episode review a week even when I’m not busy, I envy him for being such a prolific writer. I suspect that all the soap scripts he wrote got him into the habit, and he just couldn’t break it.

Even more extraordinary is that he wrote and published five novels during the same period that he worked on CBSRMT. His first was Nightmare’s Nest (1979), an adaptation of the CBSRMT play “The Deathly White Man” (and not the other drama, also by him, of the same name), which is his answer to Jane Eyre and which also has some interesting connections with SP which I plan to explore in another review series. Next came this novel, and then Beloved Victim (1981), adapted from “A Lady Never Loses Her Head,” which I don’t recall having anything noteworthy in common with SP, but I may need to re-read it to make sure. He also wrote two mystery novels, The Shark Bait Affair and The Ladykiller Affair, for the Zebra Mystery Puzzler series, but those are both very rare now and I haven’t yet read either, so I can’t say anything about them. The book Mystery Women: An Encyclopedia of Leading Women Characters in Mystery Fiction does, however, provide some information on their protagonist, Kate Graham, along with short plot summaries. As someone with two trunk novels from the last decade and about fifty pages of a third--which I mostly stopped working on after I started this blog--I also envy him for this. How on Earth did he find the time?

But I digress. Like that of “Here Goes the Bride,” the plot of Shadow Over Seventh Heaven draws heavy inspiration from Daphne du Maurier’s famous Gothic romance Rebecca, but with some major differences in plot and characterization. The novel fleshes out the radio drama some more, adding additional details and plot twists that aren’t present in the original play, which arguably make it more interesting. One gets the impression that he had a lot of story in mind while he penned the original drama, but knew he could only squeeze so much into a 45-minute radio play and so had to leave many of the most interesting details out.

But that’s enough background information. Let’s begin our analysis and see what Ian Martin’s later work can tell us about his original intentions for Strange Paradise.

Introduction

The face is lovely, matchless....

Opening like some gigantic and exotic flower as the camera zooms in...

It fills the screen, flawless, enticing....

The lower lip glistens, pulled away from those perfect teeth, trembling ever so slightly, promising undreamed-of delights for the man brave enough to taste its forbidden fruit....

The skin glows with an inner light....

The eyes beyond the thick fringe of dark eyelashes shimmer with the deep violet of a tropical night....

The pitiless exposé of the camera is defeated, no matter how close it probes in close-up....

This is beauty without blemish....

This is everyman's dream woman--sex symbol of the nation, and most of the world....

This is April Tennant!

Strange to think of her dead, for on the screen she is captured forever in all her vibrancy and stunning beauty....

Impossible to think of her lying, mangled and bleeding on the rocks, while the hungry sea licks out as if to possess her.

Incredible to think of her cold and in the grave. Which she has been for twelve months--or this story never would have begun (p. 5).

The first page of the novel introduces us to April Tennant, this novel’s Rebecca and also its Erica Desmond. Like Rebecca, she is the first wife of the protagonist’s love interest, whose tragic death will cast a shadow over her former estate. Like Erica, she was a famous actress--probably more so than Erica ever was--but the cause of her death is not the same as the alleged cause of Erica’s. In Episode 5 of Strange Paradise, Erica’s grieving husband Jean Paul claims that she died of eclampsia while pregnant with their son, although evidence uncovered by other characters in later episodes leads them to contest that claim. Instead, April’s death resembles that of Huaco, the wife of Jean Paul’s ancestor Jacques Eloi des Mondes who died when she fell from a cliff on Maljardin, Jacques’ island estate.

In this introduction, we also see what will become a theme of the novel: gaze. Not just the male gaze--the obvious POV of the introduction--but, more generally, the viewing of April Tennant almost exclusively through the eyes of other characters, both male and female. We never learn much about her inner life, even as we learn those of Jenny (our protagonist), Richard, and others. April is largely a mystery, a larger-than-life figure of ideal beauty who, in the eyes of the public, is more a legend than she is flesh and blood. It’s the same mystique that surrounds celebrities in real life that often makes other people forget that they, too, are human--if, indeed, that’s what April was. Or is there more to it? I guess we’ll have to find it.

Chapter 1

The first chapter begins with a detailed description of San Rafael--and by detailed, I mean that Ian Martin spends one and a half pages describing its wall, followed by two on the mansion itself. I won’t type out too many passages from this book for copyright reasons--for, unlike Strange Paradise, this book is still under copyright--but I will include some highlights. The wall surrounding the castle “was thick enough at the bottom to withstand any tremor of the California earth...topped by a corona of jagged broken glass and it ran for a mile and three-quarters in a great semicircle away from the rocky Pacific coast and back to it again” (p. 6). On its gate,

The ironwork swept and swirled in great balanced curlicues, and the frame was heavy and studded. The studs held great sheets of blackened steel, heavy enough to withstand a battering ram, blocking any vision of the grounds the wall concealed. And the vertical members of the scrollwork reared high above the frame of the door and the top of the wall in a bristling array of spikes, sharp as swords, arched forward to further discourage any hardy trespasser who might try to climb their height (pp. 6-7).

In case you haven’t already figured it out, Martin loved his purple prose. If you don’t like Byzantine descriptions of architecture, ironwork, clothing, or anything else, you probably shouldn’t read this book or any of Martin’s other novels. (Nightmare’s Nest is far purpler, however, than this one. There’s an entire chapter in there devoted to describing the protagonist’s lush Edwardian finery.) Fortunately for me, I love this kind of thing and will gladly devour description after description of gates covered in iron curlicues. My literary tastes tend toward “more is more” and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

We learn that San Rafael is a reconstruction of an old Spanish mission, commissioned by April and built in part by Richard himself, “who personally took charge of putting in all the glass that fronted on the sea.” The gardens that surround it give it “a riot of color--bougainvillea, hibiscus, passionflowers, trumpet vines--all enhanced and set off against the majesty of rows of carefully spaced Italian cedar, or Lombardy poplar” (pp. 7-8).

Despite all this radiant beauty--and as one might expect for reconstructed ruins from the era of Spanish colonialism--the estate is believed to be cursed, at least by “the superstitious peons who built the walls” (p. 9).  (That’s what the book uncharitably describes the Mexican builders--some parts of this book haven’t aged well, as you will see.) Two men died while rebuilding it, followed by April herself around a decade later.

Surprisingly, we learn at the end of this chapter that Richard Morgan’s background differs from that of Jean Paul Desmond. An actor himself, he “was king of the theater, and of East Coast entertainment. Their marriage was a royal one, and it vaulted both of them to new and undreamed-of heights of popularity” (pp. 9-10). It was this popularity that drove them to wall themselves in at San Rafael and use the police and guard dogs to keep rabid fans and paparazzi away--which, ultimately, didn’t work and only led to “a new wave of interest and snooping” (p. 10).

Chapter 2

Here we meet Richard’s sister Lisa, who is...well...quite an interesting character. She’s a beautiful woman with short hair, a deep voice, and--most importantly--an unusual, creepy level of attachment to her brother.

Cersei Lannister Lisa Morgan.

Lisa has just received a phone call from the Philippines where her brother is. The call has left her “literally stunned” (p. 11), which means that the modern slang meaning of “literally” dates back 30+ years longer than I thought. Surprisingly, she isn’t drinking wine to calm her nerves like Cersei above, but that’s her loss.

As she gazes at the ocean to the west, her housekeeper, Conchita Aguilar,  enters. Chita (as she is usually called) has not just worked as April’s housekeeper for most of her life, but also "she and her husband, Juan, had quite literally brought up April” (p. 13); as a result, she is fiercely loyal to the family of her deceased mistress. Here is a portrait of her:

Looking at the tiny woman with her bright button eyes, the black Indian hair swept stiffly away from her face, parted in the middle and tidily put away in a tight bun low on the back of her neck, Lisa was surprised at the sudden urge to go and take this familiar person in her arms--or better still have Chita take her in hers.[...]Chita might be tiny, but she was all steel and whipcord (p. 13).

Sound familiar?

Yes, Chita bears a resemblance to our beloved Raxl. They even have a similar background, for Raxl, too, comes from a people indigenous to Mexico, according to Episode 23.  Like Raxl, Chita is very old and has a mysterious magnetism that draws some people to her (which, in Raxl’s case, includes me). There are some minor differences--Chita doesn’t worship the Great Serpent, she uses gratuitous Spanish instead of gratuitous French, she has a living husband and grandson--but they are, in most ways, the same character. It’s clear that Ian Martin didn’t want to part with Raxl, and I don’t blame him one bit.

Also, for whatever reason, he was oddly insistent on both of them having a specific hairstyle. If you read the original script for the show’s pilot, you will see that he was almost as specific about Raxl’s hairstyle, mentioning “her hair tightly drawn over her ears to a small bun,” but less detailed about those of the other characters. Just an odd detail that probably bears little significance, but that I noticed.

Lisa tells Chita that Richard is on his way home with a new wife, a young, very wealthy orphan named Jenny Summers whom he met in the Philippines. This angers the ancient housekeeper, who argues that Jenny can never come to San Rafael

Because there is no place for her here--en la casa de La Señora! Everything here is hers--she still lives here, and will always live here. Her perfume is in every room, her pictures are everywhere, every ornament and ashtray and book I keep just the way she last touched it. There is no room for any other wife here! Oh, she will feel it, she will know it, because La Señora would never permit another woman to take her place (p. 16)!

Lisa insists that, despite the risk that Jenny won’t want to live on the estate and despite her equal displeasure about the situation, Chita keep an open mind regarding her and try not to be such a Mrs. Danvers about the situation. (OK, so she doesn’t actually say the last part; that’s just my paraphrase.) She also tries to pressure Chita into helping her take down the mementos of April at Richard’s orders, which she objects to, both for sentimental reasons and because they don’t have time to have the enormous fresco of April that adorns the former chapel. (Symbolism!)

“It was a breathless and yet terrible beauty. For any woman who stood next to it had to be eclipsed” (p. 20).

Yes, you read that right: they rededicated the mission’s former chapel to the silver screen sex goddess April Tennant. After their wedding, Richard had a giant fresco of her painted there in place of its former altar. This is a clear indication that one or more of the people in this household worship April, whether literally or figuratively. More than that, the portrait glows like that of THE DEVIL JACQUES ELOI DES MONDES, and seems, like Jacques’ portrait, to be alive, the living essence of a dead person. “Most haunting of all was the feeling that this was the woman--that she could not have died, that any moment she would step off the wall, and her silver laughter would fill the house again (p. 20).”

I’m sorry, Jacques. ;)

Coming up next: Jenny arrives at San Rafael and tries to adjust to living on an estate where almost everyone but Richard acts like they hate her.

{ Next: Part II -> }

[milatherese]

Update No. 5 (*cue Mambo No. 5*) – 90 Days, School, Discernment (just a lil bit)

Note #1: This update is long. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Note #2: If you don’t know Mambo No. 5, you need to listen to it (even though the lyrics may be morally wrong, it is quite catchy).

“How was the 90 day journey of a tiny bit of asceticism?” you ask. (nobody cares but I’m pretending you do haha)

That’s a question I still ask myself several days later. 90 days is a lot to process. Therefore, I have included my short answer to this question here: – It was a bit hard in the beginning but got easier as the days went by – I especially enjoyed the no social media / limited communication – I hated cold showers, actually gave it up by the end of the first month or so because it did more harm than good (imo)

The beginning was a little rough, but about as good as sacrifice gets. (you can read my thoughts on that here, here, and here) About a month in, I couldn’t cope, at least physically. I ended up just doing what I felt I was strong enough to do.

January was a little rough. Ever since school started, I had headaches every day (including non-school days). (If you’re wondering why I never shared this with you and why I hid my pain, it was because I didn’t want you to worry.)

At first the headaches were tolerable. I could get through a 12-hour day with minimal pain. They got increasingly worse. I began taking Tylenol according to the recommended dosage (1-2 tablets every 4-6 hours). I didn’t take Tylenol every other day (I try to avoid medicine, if possible) but I eventually “graduated” to taking the extra strength Tylenol, also according to the recommended dosage. Eventually, the headaches began to impact my studying. I had limited time to study (I had to time my studying during the lesser painful waves of my headaches). I was so worried for one class that I spent all my time studying for that one class during lecture of another difficult class (I figured I could bring up my grade in the second class later). Despite my high of level of unpreparedness, I was looking forward to taking the exams for both classes. I thought my headaches were the result of stressing over those two classes. Unfortunately, taking the exams for those classes didn’t end the headaches. In fact, they may have increased the pain.

My headaches soon became unbearable. I couldn’t hide the pain any longer. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t eat out of fear that I would only make the pain worse. I was in tears from the pain. Massaging my head and using an ice pack didn’t reduce the pain. I wanted to rip my head off to get rid of the pain once and for all.

At this time, I decided it was time to begin thinking about seeing the doctor about this. (Yes, I should have already gone to the doctor but my pain isn’t really a concern to me.) I decided that I would go to the doctor if the headaches persist for another week.

The pain was at its absolute worst one Saturday. I had to call in sick for work (we had an event – which I was really looking forward to, btw). I spent the day crying from the pain (at this point, my body wasn’t really responding to Tylenol). Finally, the physical pain began to affect my mental health. I was trying to figure out the root cause of the pain. I began questioning all my decisions – transferring high schools, transferring universities, not applying to a certain community, leaving relationships, etc. I was wondering if this was some sort of a punishment for making the “wrong” decision (which I later learned is no such thing, more on this another day). I felt so lost and alone. I was wondering if this was a taste of what Mother St. Teresa described as a “long dark night.” (I referenced this before in my last update but I just can’t get her long dark night out of my head.) I eventually cried myself to sleep and slept the rest of the day until 2am the next day.

When I woke, I noticed the pain had disappeared and, with it, the emotional rollercoaster I was going through earlier. I was able to get some rest from the physical and emotional pain and my mind was finally functioning as it normally would – quiet and able to think logically. It was clear that my pain was not for torment but for me to focus on something more important than the pain itself. I decided to pray the Rosary for it had been several weeks since I had been able to pray the Rosary without distractions (I would either fall asleep or be distracted by the headache or my studies). I prayed God would help me discern what He wanted me to tend to. I felt that I should prayerfully consider my career path now that I was away from outside influences.

I began reflecting on my semester thus far. There was one day that my mom visited campus and overheard some girls complimenting and encouraging each other. She told me, “I want you to be in whatever major they’re in. They seem happy. You don’t.” At the time, I was too stubborn to see that my happiness was just a mask I put on to “be strong.” I remembered writing pre-labs and post-labs but barely understanding the material, only understanding the grammar necessary to produce acceptable scholarly work. I recalled being so stressed that I was rude to the whole world (except for work) to the point that my mom exclaimed, “Who are you? You’re not human anymore!”  She was right – I wasn’t myself.  That woke me up. I thought, “What good is my major if it only brings out the worst in me?” In prayer, felt called to pursue another career instead of MD/DO. I still don’t know what career exactly, but I’m trusting that my time studying and preparing for MD/DO will help me in my calling.

That Sunday, I informed my parents and one trusted relative of my decision to change majors and they were overjoyed. (My uncle seemed to have already known in the beginning that I would leave the MD/DO path, but wanted me to come to that decision myself.)

So, I changed majors back to Allied Health, B.S.

I met with my academic advisor (not the one who screwed me over, for any of those who know the story) and we came up with a school plan. Estimated graduation date was Fall 2021.

I dealt with this change as best I could and things were on the up and up…until it wasn’t.

Early February, I learned that a close priest friend had passed away, just 3 days shy of his birthday. I had been looking forward to his birthday (not that I would be with celebrating with him, just happy he would be celebrating another year) so hearing the news was devastating. He was like an uncle to me. To quote what I said at a memorial, he was “a great friend, a big brother, a father figure, a very holy man, a man for others.” (There’s so much I can say on him but I’ll leave that for another post) The first day, I seemed okay. Minimal feelings of sadness. It hadn’t hit me yet. It hit me the very next day. And it hit hard and long. I was crying everywhere I went whenever I was away from family and friends. Some days were harder than others (my supervisor sent me home early to give me time to grieve). I was going through so many emotions. I was frustrated that I was taking so long to grieve (I later learned that grief has no time limit) and annoyed that I did not feel comfortable talking to my family or friends about it. I had faced loss before (when Bro. Morgan passed away), but never anything as devastating as this. I did not know how to cope with grief. I struggled to stay focused during class (actually broke down in tears at least during one class each day) and to finish my work (skipped out on a staff meeting due to waterworks). I cancelled a couple meetings and called in sick to group therapy twice. I distanced myself from the world and those who love[d] me. Unfortunately, all this affected my studies once again. Despite my lighter load, I could not concentrate. I did not think of sharing all this with my professors as I felt like they wouldn’t understand (or maybe I was just being stubborn again?)

It came time for RECongress and I held it together (somewhat…more on that on another post). It was that Friday that I was able to study without getting distracted by grief. I had an exam the following Monday. But one day of studying 3+ weeks of material was not enough to pass the exam. So there went that.

February went by with each day bleeding into the next. Each day was a blur until one blessed night.

My brother had arrived home late from school one day and as he was pulling into our driveway (why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways) a beautiful dog approached him. I won’t go into details but the dog is now ours and has been the biggest blessing this semester, especially in helping our family cope with grief. We believe (as do others) that Father Suarez sent her to us.

Come March and April, things were finally on the up and up again. I was studying every day and keeping up with work. But then quarantine hit and things went downhill yet again. I did become more active on this blog since March 16th but inside I was deteriorating. However, it wasn’t as detrimental as January and February. Let’s just say that I learned the house is not conducive to studying, I may need a new prescription for glasses, and we need to find better internet (or move to a place with better cell signal). I failed a final due to failed internet connection (thanks be to God I got another shot at it). I took my two other finals in the car in the parking lot in front of Starbucks.

Quarantine has been the best and the worst for me. I realized that spiritually, I was thirsty. Thirsty for God. I live-streamed Mass and adoration daily and at odd hours, even doing homework and studying “with God.” The more things I had to do, the more I felt the need to “hang” with God (which, in retrospect, may have been a bad decision because I ended up procrastinating and losing a lot of sleep). I learned to value receiving the sacraments in-person now. I’m more aware of when I sin or am near sin. It has also reignited the flame of faith. I’ve been doing a lot more spiritual reading, especially now that APU semester is over (still have one class at a JC).

Despite this, discernment got a bit murky. I began questioning my vocation and doing a lot more “reality checks” (and a lot more second-guessing). Frankly, I don’t think I would survive living in a community of all women since all my close friends are men. (Or is that an excuse I am making for myself?) I don’t think I would make a great mother either so perhaps I’m meant to be single? (Or am I just a harsh critic of myself and I would actually be a great mother?) I had not really spoken to my spiritual director in months (transportation and schedule issues, both on my part).

A priest I met at RECongress learned I was discerning religious life (if you didn’t know this, I hope this isn’t a surprise) and asked me to email him as soon as possible in case I need guidance. I didn’t email him until April 1st so that may have contributed to my overthinking. He replied a couple weeks later (and I replied a couple days after that and am still awaiting a response). I asked God for “another sign, for some clarity” and He gave me another. However, everything still looks murky to me. I feel both consolation and desolation at the same time. I might be facing another identity crisis like last semester. Aye.

Ok this is way longer than I had planned so I’m just gonna stop right here.

If you read this far, thank you for reading. If you relate to anything I shared, I hope you know that you’re not alone and that if you ever need anything (even if it’s just a listening ear), I’ll do my best to help. Just ask. (And if you need something but I haven’t replied in a long time, just reach out again. I forget to reply to messages quite often.)

[kastartss]

I really need help with my mental health condition, please take your time to read my story (if you are willing to only)

Here’s an introduction. Hey, my (not real) name is Kat. I’m 14 (yes, I know, a literal fetus) and I’m from Vietnam.

Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety, and honestly, I was not surprised. But then the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have had it for almost my entire life, and I have only been around for 14 years. I felt my social anxiety kick in when I was about in year one in primary school. I remember how bubbly I was of a toddler, always waving and saying hi to adults in my neighborhood. But then I went to school and things changed. I got 2 close friends, let’s call them A and P. I hung out with them, but before I had those two friends, I never recall being in a place without friends. In kindergarten, as far as I could remember, I have many friends. So when I go to school for the first time, I didn’t have close friends. I was still bubbly at the time, talking to kids in my class, but in break time, I have no one to talk with. Even after I got A and P as my friends, sometimes they would gang up on me and I would have total breakdowns and sitting alone, feeling betrayed because no one likes me.

I think that's when I started being less of an exuberant child. I noticed that I have stopped waving to adults, I became more terrified of being around strangers or performing on stage (which was a thing I did all the time in kindergarten). And as time goes on, I develop the fear of trivial things, getting worried every time I go on a trip or holiday (eg. fear that the plane will crash, fear that there would be tsunami at the beach, etc.) or having existential crisis or death related worries. And then when I reach grade four, I got my first crush, I spent all night crying because wow, new emotion unlocked. He’s this sporty boy, sitting next to me in classes, and guess what? He had a crush on my then best friend. I slowly realize, when I reach secondary school, that I am less valuable than many. 

On the second week of sixth grade (secondary school), I had a mental breakdown and I stayed in the bathroom for the entire English lit lesson. The teachers found me, but I couldn’t explain why I ran away. I found it too embarrassing. I ran away because every seats next to a girl is taken and I would’ve had to sit next to this big, scary boy. I didn't know why I felt that way, why I panicked over such a small and stupid thing, but that night I went home, told my mom school’s fine, and found a knife to just end myself.

But of course I didn’t. I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of seeing the life leaving my body. And I remember my mom telling me my life is the most important thing I have.

The reason I’m afraid of getting hurt is pretty damn simple: my mom hit me all the time as a kid. I’m not traumatized by it. But do I cry at night, getting upset and guilty about the things I did to deserve it? Yes, yes I did. But did I think much of it or find ways to stop getting hit? No, no I didn't. I got hit all the time for lying, for not obeying, for being lazy. But my mom really loves me, she does. She yelled at me, she slapped me, she threw books at my face, humiliated me sometimes in public, and hit me with broomsticks and clothes hangers because she said “she wanted the best for me”. She wanted me to change for the better but haha jokes on her, the more she hit me the more stubborn I get. And so update: I’m still getting hit by her for doing shits recently. I have questioned if it’s abusive or not, because I know she got anger issues and she said that herself, to not let her get angry. But in my country, getting hit by your moms is like a casual thing. It’s like depression jokes, we joke about our fucked up mental health and in my place we joke about getting hit my our moms. It's too common that I don't know if it’s abusive or not anymore, that’s one thing I need help on.

Back to the main story. So sixth grade is the time I start feeling conscious about my body. I’m gonna bluntly say this: my body is disproportionally fat. It was as a kid, and it still is now. My legs and arms are normal, not too skinny, but normal, but my body, the torso and chest area, oh boy, that's where all the fat is. If my body fat is spread out evenly, I wouldn’t have complained, it would be beautiful. But despite how much I tried, the fat would only be in that area, and I look ugly in everything. I got self conscious when we did a movie project, I got self conscious when I have to wear stage costumes, and I start acknowledging that I’m not the popular girl. I don't get why girls my age use lipstick and make up, and how they have money to buy expensive clothes. I was naïve, and I wanted to be like them: popular and valued by people. I was the wallflower, no one knows me except my few friends and I don't expect them to. I started developing a mindset that no one remembers me, and I’m insignificant. 

Grade seven, I changed school. And it’s when I found out about fandoms. I liked Harry Potter, and I wrote some fanfictions that one of my friends encourage me to post it on Wattpad, so I did. That’s when I made internet friends, and I got exploited to issues like lgbtqa+, pop culture, and mental health. One of my internet friends, let’s call her W, is queer and got depression. That’s when I started digging deep in these issues, learning about mental health and how to help people with them. And that’s when I start realizing I may have a mental health problem. W attempted suicide last year, in 2017. Fortunately, she survived. I had spent many nights texting her out of it, cheering her up, and the more I’m around her, the more I discover about myself.

This year, I’ve learnt things about myself that I would've had no idea about two years ago. I identify as bisexual, and thinking about a year ago, I still thought being gay is unfortunate. In my country, same sex marriage is legal, but is not very welcomed by the people and is considered a touchy subject. Many consider it an illness and pity people whom identify as such. Generally, no one really cares until it’s their children. My mom didn't like it. She thinks it’s a phase (classic.) and being bi would bring disadvantages to my life (she’s very wrong I daresay it’s literally 20gayteen and two women from the Bachelor Vietnam just ditched the guy for each other???) and that makes me doubt if my mom is ever right (she’s very convincing in most situations, unfortunately). 

I also learnt about my anxiety, like I noted. Two weeks ago, I seek help from the school counselor after being tempted to kill myself out of pure self hate. I have had extreme self hate for the last month but I thought it’s normal. One event that lead to me thinking this way is that one fight I had with my parents that my mom threatened to jump off the window to die and to leave the house forever, she said how terrible I am and I felt like being slapped across the face being it just hit me then: I am terrible. When I was younger I thought people don't like me because im ugly and I really wanted them to like me for my personality. But then the fight happen and I found out: im ugly both inside and outside. That’s when I started to lose hope, my grades (which was going bad before) got worse and when I got a bad result for maths finals, I got devastated and got a panic attack. I climbed to the tallest floor in my school building and lie there, falling asleep and let my mind shut down. My plan was to jump off the building and end my life but the door to outside was locked so I just curled up there and cry. I got found two hours later, and the teachers told me absolute bullshit because my country is absolutely obsolete about mental health. 

It just got worse and worse since March. My mom says I should stop being lazy, stop procrastinating, be more productive and I hate being at home, because my mom use my bedroom as her workplace and I have no privacy. I have to face my mom all day in summer, and that drove me crazy. Even when I had the chance to go to England for a month for summer camp, I still feel insignificant and lonely when I stare at the crowds being happy. My anxiety is super clear, but oh boy how funny I was. 

I thought I was faking it. I thought all of this is me wanting people to pity me, so I have to fake my anxiety and depression. Most of the times I look up for symptoms of depression and anxiety, I hope those symptoms match. Because I wanna be right, I don't wanna be an attention seeker, I want something to blame for my behaviors. 

All the tests I took for depression tell me I have severe depression. But some days I don't feel down or anything. I just felt fine, and deep down I feel guilty for not caring, because does this mean i’m faking my mental illness oh my god. I have a girlfriend. We broke up once, and now we are talking again. She’s in America and we only can text each other, but I don't feel like im ever good enough for her. All I feel is self hate and unworthiness. 

This is the thing I want you guys to help me about: Do I really have these mental illnesses? Am I making it up? Am I just paranoid and crave attention?

The thing that makes me doubting myself is the fact that around me, many kids are raised like me. Being hit my their moms, have the same education, but they’re not depressed. they don't have social anxiety. They’re doing alright. So I’m afraid this is because I got myself into this myself by going on the internet and reading about gay shits and befriend depressing people and got this myself. I’m afraid I’m making this up to be relevant. 

Please help me with this, or just reblog to help me find an answer. I’m so sorry I’m wasting your time. But please, I need to find myself. I don't want to feel suicidal again.

[silenthillmutual]

okay i’m trying to make an executive decision to work on updating all my fics, yes! even the mob psycho 100 and one punch man fics! even the osomatsu-san/one punch man crossover! 

so here’s my little list of fics i need to work on:

did you say ‘please just follow me?’ i thought you wanted me (cause i want you all to myself) - one punch man - saitama/genos, genos/metal bat. 

i used to have more of an idea about where i was going with this before my computer crashed a while ago and i lost all my notes on it. but it’s unrequited saitama -> genos and might actually end in genos/metal bat. i might get more steam for it when season 2 drops. 

i have three lines for this written so far

hands down - one punch man - saitama/genos.

i think i have an outline for this somewhere, but i’ve really run out of steam to update it despite how popular it was. again, once i rewatch the series and/or watch season two, or read it or something i might get more steam but for right now it hasn’t piqued my interest.

and now i just sit in silence - mob psycho 100 - gen (may have slight teru/mob)

the main reason i haven’t updated this is because it’s super depressing.

i do have a vague idea of how it will end but i haven’t decided how much of canon it needs to follow before i get to that end

born from - mob psycho 100 - gen

i do in fact have an outline for this! i am stuck on a puzzle and i know nothing about puzzle-writing...i should probably do some research while i’m at work for the puzzle i’m currently working on. and it would probably be a good idea to reread the manga.

this has a blog so i can keep myself up-to-date on it all. 

do i wanna know? - mob psycho 100 - teru/mob

i know what the endgame is gonna be and all but i don’t totally remember what all i was going to do with this. i think there was going to be some mob/onigawara in it? and maybe some shou/ritsu and reigen/serizawa

i should work on an outline at work

better things - danganronpa - ishimaru/mondo

again, i know what the endgame is but since i don’t have an outline i’m not entirely sure what my initial plan was on getting to it. 

five oh five - jojo’s bizarre adventure - various

it’s a silent hill au and i think i’m the only one invested in it. it’s not even an ongoing story so much as a place to drop little drabbles i’ve thought of for it here and there. so it’s not one that i feel all that pressured to update.

starfish crusaders - jojo’s bizarre adventure - various

i do have another chapter started for this! unfortunately i think it’s too soon for that chapter. i guess i could skip around a bit, and finish up the chapte ri have started, publish and backtrack, but part of me thinks that i should write jonathan meeting speedwagon or joseph & suzi q meeting caesar before i move on to polnareff meeting avdol.

unlike other fics where i don’t have an outline, i have a really clearcut idea of the order of events and how the fic will end (more or less). like five oh five it’s more for drabbles than anything else but there will be something of an overarching plotline. 

something to hold onto - osomatsu-san/one punch man - karamatsu/chibita, saitama/genos

i think i’m only gonna do one more chapter of this fic.

to be honest, i actually keep forgetting this one even exists. it was a very weird au idea that i had and i frequently forget it’s one i actually wrote down. but it never really had a long premise to begin with, so i think if i can bang out one more chapter it should be good to be finished. 

tell me where it hurts - danganronpa - ishimaru/mondo

there’s only one more chapter left of this one, too, and i’ve actually started it, i’m just not sure how to end it. i really need to stop procrastinating and just work on it, and see where it gets me, even if i’m not totally satisfied. i can always go back and edit before i publish, but i think putting it off is just making matters worse.

let’s call the whole thing off - jojo’s bizarre adventure - jotaro/kakyoin, background others

i have a vague idea for a few things that will happen in this fic but i don’t think it will be a long, ongoing thing. i haven’t had a desire to work on it because i initially started it for my ex-boyfriend before he dropped all interests we had in common and we broke up.

i do have the next chapter started but i haven’t been thrilled with how it’s turning out, but i might as well finish it up and publish it.

the blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine - jojo’s bizarre adventure - jotaro/kakyoin, avdol/polnareff

i have a couple different next chapters started but i haven’t decided on one yet, hence why it has not been updated.

i really should make an outline for this fic.

it’s mostly a fic of drabbles rather than a fic with an overarching plotline, outside of them eventually getting together.

she told me to come but i was already there - jojo’s bizarre adventure - jotaro/kakyoin, background hol/polnareff/avdol

i have the last chapter started but not finished, mostly because it will be a very long chapter and i have not had the focus needed to work on it.

i have most of the final lineup prepared but i need a month where i am not swamped to just work on writing it and not on worrying about other stuff I have to do. 

also i have been thinking about writing a follow-up to it but have not decided yet if that would be worth it, although i do have plot ideas.

heart of glass - jojo’s bizarre adventure - jotaro/kakyoin, background avdol/polnareff

i actually have a full outline written of this. all i need is the time to follow it through. i have the next chapter started, but have not felt like i had the time to seriously focus on it in the way i feel i need to for a fic of this magnitude. so it has been a little while since i updated because i actually need to sit down with what i have written (all of which is on the computer, so not something i can do at work) and work out what is left to be written of the next chapter and just do it. hopefully april will be less busy for me.

heads on a science apart - jojo’s bizarre adventure - jotaro/kakyoin

i have a vague idea of the endgame for this and something of a plotline to follow but i should still write out an outline. i have not started the next chapter yet and am not sure what to do with it.

i mostly update this as my mental health needs it.

warmth - jojo’s bizarre adventure - jotaro/kakyoin

no endgame in mind! no outline! i’m a wreck!

no but really i should write an outline for this poor fic. so far all i have in mind is that i update it as my mental health dictates with no particular aim about the story. i know that i eventually want to describe all the ways things are different, but i need to set up an outline in order to do this well. 

masterpiece theatre - akira/mob psycho 100 - kaneda/tetsuo, potentially teru/mob

only the vaguest ideas of what i’m doing here, i just wanted to explore tetsuo’s mental state and write some kanetetsu since i barely see any in the tags on ao3. i also really want to explore how tetsuo would interact in this kind of an alternate reality and in reaction to other espers who have come about their talents more naturally (and others who have not) 

fics like 30 prompts to keep the nasties away and jotakak week 2018 just need to be updated by prompt. i know 30 prompts i had started the next chapter but lost it when my computer crashed. i have the last chapter of jotakak week started, but it’s the middle part i’ve been struggling on.

[thehopefulcowboymccoy]

News, snooze LOL I wish... I don’t sleep anymore...

Good News: After two months of chaos I think I’ve finally conceived the perfect time management system!!! For me that’s saying a lot... because even when my schedule was very rigid in high school, I was a mess. The system I’ve implemented now requires four different apps which sounds confusing but they all have important and necessary time management functions. One is a time keeper (for the Pomodoro system of 25 minutes on, 5 minutes off, and repeat), one is a calendar for mandatory events so I can try to balance my week out and not put three of my classes on the same day again... one is a bunch of notes and to-dos with labels and check boxes, and one is meant to be a short-hand diary for tracking my work flow over the course of the semester so I can actually see how I work and maybe implement even better study strategies along the way... It will also help me see what’s due in each of my classes side by side and plan for the future. I am THE WORST with procrastination so being able to see how much, or how little, time I have to do everything will help control my anxiety level, I think. I’ve dealt with two of my classes changing their syllabi drastically and so sometimes I don’t even know what’s happening two weeks out, but with this system I have in place I should be able to keep all the information available to me right now in one place.

Bad News: That took me a few hours and now all I want to do is SLEEEEEP but I have 120+ pages of a dense clinical research book I have to read in 32 hours, on top of a couple other things. Speaking of not starting to track my assignments far enough in advance... at least I read the first 70 pages of the book before today when the majority of the class hadn’t even started reading it yet...

Meh News: It’s been a little more than a day since I sent my carefully written letter of inquiry to interview Indian activist Vishnu Teja to his direct email. At least, a news article from July 2018 said that was his email, and it didn’t bounce, so I’m assuming it got there. Another question is when, or if, somebody on the other end will reply... I won’t be heartbroken if I don’t get an answer, because people are busy and while his letter to the president was in English proving that he does speak it, he may not want to talk to some random American chick... But it would be nice to know if he’s alive. Because that’s not guaranteed at the moment. This is spooooooky business, folks.

If I don’t get a response in the next week I may reach out to one of the more outspoken activists I’ve researched. But this project has the furthest deadline alongside two other projects I have that are due two weeks from now, both of which I haven’t started yet... why did I try to organize my life again??? IT’S TOO LATE FOR MEEEE- nah I’m just kidding. I’m very introspective, if you couldn’t tell. The college I’m studying at not only celebrates but requires a written self reflection from its students at the end of each semester. So. Despite how daunting it feels right now, I would like to say I improved at time management by the end of this semester... and the only way I can do that is by trying new strategies until finding what works.

Better News: This Thursday I’m GOING HOME for a couple nights for the first time since I started school! And then I’m going to Manhattan to see KINKY BOOTS ON BROADWAY!!! I’m also going to be home for a few days over Thanksgiving Break, and I’m going to get to see my Chipotle coworkers again, finally... My home is only two hours away from my school so it’s close enough for me to be able to hop back and forth every once in a while. I’m SO looking forward to getting to relax and ground myself for a little bit during both of these weekends before the final stretch of the semester. They will be working vacations, of course, but vacations nonetheless. What I’m undoubtedly the most excited about is cuddling with my cat again for the first time since August 25... I’m going to bring him on campus with me next year, somehow... once I move into an apartment and he has room to roam.

Well I hope everybody has a good election night (if you’re American), and if you’re not, have a good whatever kind of night it is for you :)

[agwitow]

What I Learned From Failing NaNo

(for the first time in five years)

I’ve been very proud of the fact that I won my first NaNo in 2012, and then kept winning every year after that. I even started doing Camp NaNos, and winning those too (even when I sometimes gave myself outlandish goals, like 75k words).

But that streak has come to an end.

I wrote just under 18k words this time.

It’s a little heartbreaking. I’ve regularly broke 60k during these events, and once even broke 90k. Yet, I didn’t even make it to the halfway point this time!

Despite utterly failing at NaNo, I learned a couple of things this time around. None of it’s earth-shattering, but if I needed to be reminded, then I bet there are other people who need reminding too.

It’s Okay To Fail

In today’s world we don’t like to admit defeat. Ever. It’s all about the success stories, the “I fell down and got back up” speeches, and winning. You see it everywhere. People frame the world in ways to succeed--little successes and accomplishments. And, for the most part, that’s great. A sense of accomplishment is very rewarding. But sometimes we forget that failing isn’t some great evil. Failure is part of life. Sure, you may one day turn this failure into a “I got back up” story, but don’t beat yourself up about it. If you failed, then that means there were obstacles in the way you couldn’t overcome. Sometimes those obstacles are procrastination and laziness, and sometimes they’re illness and other responsibilities.

There Are Worthwhile Non-Writing Activities To Do

For a writer, it can sometimes feel like procrastination to work on anything that isn’t actual writing. This feeling is increased 100x during NaNo. Yet, there are plenty of things that are productive and should be pursued. Some are even writing related. World building, editing, research, building your platform, etc. All writing related, all worth your time. And there are plenty of non-writing related activities you shouldn’t neglect--personal hygiene, eating, exercise, cleaning, spending time with family and/or friends, etc. There is a sense of guilt when we forgo writing to focus on one of these other activities (writing related or not), but we shouldn’t feel guilty. Writing should not be an all-consuming activity. It should be a passion, of course, but there should be no guilt for spending time on other, equally important, activities.

Just Because You Did It Before Doesn’t Make It A Realistic Goal

It can be tempting to look at past success and expect to be able to replicate it. While past experiences are important to determine future goals and plans, we need to remember that circumstances sometimes change. Maybe you have less time, money, health, or passion than you did previously. Any of those factors can make it incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to recreate a past success. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just be realistic and set yourself goals that combine what you know you can do with what your current situation is.

Don’t Forget To Schedule Time For Yourself

This is something I struggle with year-round. When there is so much stuff to get done in a day, a week, or a month, it can be hard to remember that everyone needs time to recharge. Scheduling time to focus on a book, or to play a game, or go for a run, or even just veg out in front of the TV is necessary to keep us healthy and our stress levels low(er). In addition to making time for ourselves, we also need to remember to not overbook ourselves. If we’ve committed to doing ten things this weekend, taking time “off” is just going to increase stress as we fret about everything else that still needs to be done. So, take time for yourself, and try not to take on more than you can handle.

Pushing Through A Burn-Out Makes It Worse

I burnt out bad this time. Normally I don’t burn out until February, but it hit me in November this time. Partly because I forgot to follow the advice in the previous point. I tried to just push through it--everyone’s heard the advice that if you don’t want to write you need to just sit down and write--but sometimes when you don’t want to write, you just need to take a break. A burn-out in one aspect of your life can grow and affect other aspects as well if you try to force yourself to slog through it. When it’s affecting your work or relationships, you’ve taken it too far. Remember that it’s okay to take some time off for yourself!

It’s Okay To Fail, Really

Not meeting a goal doesn’t mean you’re a failure as a person/writer. It just means you didn’t succeed this time. You can try again later, when the situation has improved, or you can retool your goals to reflect the circumstances better. Failing at a task is not the same as being a failure. Never let anyone (yourself included) tell you otherwise. Learn from your mistakes, take a small break, and try again later. And always remember that it’s okay to fail.

Whether you failed or won NaNo this year, was there anything you learnt or reminded of?

[forloveoflibertea]

The USUK Database | Part 03: The Completed Fics

After being delayed for weeks, here, have a list of my completed fics, which is a pathetically short list of heavily unedited ones, mostly consisting of oneshots and drabbles, with two exceptions. (If this isn’t already telling, I’m really slow on updating and finishing fics, so good luck to anyone who ever reads my ongoing shit. You’re in for a long time waiting for updates.)

| 0 1 | The Bystander Effect | published on wattpad ; WWII, Human AU in 5 parts ; main pairing: platonic! USUK ; brief mentions of: Sweden x Fem! Finland

synopsis: ‘In a world now swathed in grey, in a city slowly being turned into ashes, what little colours exist are a luxury in his eyes. One only appreciates what once was common after it's gone, after all.'

A winter evening in 1940. Two men, both of different nationalities: one has long been away from his country, which is still neutral amidst the war, and the other is trapped in his homeland.

'"Heroes don't just stand by and let the innocent die." He argues.

'"You're just a nineteen-year-old boy," he returns, looking sharply upon his companion. "You are a child, Alfred; throwing your life away for strangers isn't the most ideal way to pass on."'

In a war of declaring superiority of one 'race' over the other, in conflict with one nation's beliefs against others, they are involuntarily made to observe the destruction.

'London is a warzone; there may have been places to hide, but even they, the civilians, are no longer exempted from being casualties of the war if it comes down to it.'

Radios crackle with the news of battles where love songs used to prevail; smoke rises in the horizon where the sun used to shine upon the city in rare days; bombs fall from the skies in lieu of rain.

'A boy with vibrant blue eyes, still shining with life and hope.

And yet Death knows, all too well, that it won't be too long before that light—as brightly as it shines—will be extinguished.'

( fun fact: this is the very first Hetalia fanfiction I ever wrote, about a year ago, now, and it was for a project I had to submit to my Social Studies class.)

| 0 2 | Blue, White, Red | dedicated to @gallifreyanlibertea ; first published here on tumblr, but is now also published on both wattpad and archiveofourown ; Omegaverse, Magical Strike AU ( the main story has 3 parts, but there are special chapters in planning ) ; main pairing: USUK

tagline: “What are the colors of the love you hold for me?”

| 0 3 | 12:04 | published on both wattpad and archiveofourown ; HS, Soulmate AU oneshot ; main pairing: USUK ; brief mentions of: SpaMano

synopsis: Seventeen-year-old Alfred F. Jones has always had a fondness for clichés.

He tends to dream that he will hear his soulmate's voice in reality-someday, somehow, and he's positive that it'll be soon. He's spent hours on daydreaming how they will act when they first meet, if he will manage to literally sweep them off their feet, but here's the thing: the voice he hears in his mind is male-but he can't exactly live without hearing his voice all the same.

| 0 4 | How We Have Loved | published on both wattpad and archiveofourown ; Modern AU oneshot ; main pairing: USUK

synopsis: “But it's time to let go—yet why do I still love you so?"

In which he learns to accept what's long slipped from his grasp.

| 0 5 | And He Smiles | published on both wattpad and archiveofourown ; Canon-Divergent songfic ; main pairing: implied USUK

synopsis: “How can he help others so easily, when he doesn't notice that I—the nation who cared (and still cares) for him, the nation who he says is closest to him next to his brother—am in agony over him? How can he help others when he doesn't even help me?"

In which he still waits, even when he knows no one can save him.

( fun fact: this one was written just shortly after I wrote The Bystander Effect, and I was still fairly new to the fandom, so of course, characterization in this fic is very much iffy. )

| 0 6 | Of Academic Struggles | published on both wattpad and archiveofourown ; HS AU, a non-chronological series of drabbles relating to situations that pertain to two students’ academic journeys ; main pairing: implied USUK

| 0 6 . 1 | Of Hardware and Software | tagline: In which a computer lesson turns out to be quite interesting.

| 0 6 . 2 | Of Theorems and Ratios | tagline: In which Arthur finds out that raising a white flag (like Feliciano does) in surrender is much better than torturing himself even further in attempting to study Algebra and Trigonometry.

( fun fact: this series is a product of boredom, honestly. I wrote these while procrastinating for my exams a few months ago, and there’s hardly any plot to any of these—they’re just silly little drabbles packed full with fluff. )

| 0 7 | smile | published on archiveofourown ; Cardverse, Possible Unrequited Love AU oneshot, part one of the ‘Divide’ Collection ; main pairing: one-sided USUK ; brief mentions of: implied England x Fem! Italy Romano

synopsis: “And I'll still smile for you even when I'm crying inside."

He drinks him in, gazes into those eyes. He's drowning yet burning, he's gasping for air, holding tight to him as if he can give him what he needs.

He doesn't.

| 0 8 | to be a friend | published on archiveofourown ; Modern AU drabble ; main pairing: implied USUK ; brief mentions of: platonic! MapleTea

synopsis: ‘You spoke your mind and got in trouble more often than I did. So why is it that you clam up now?’

In which Matthew finds out that things aren’t always what they seem.

| 0 9 | Transparent Answer | published on archiveofourown ; HS AU oneshot ; main pairing: platonic! USUK

synopsis: There was a boy who sat next to him.

Blond hair, green eyes, thick eyebrows and an empty gaze.

Alfred smiled and held out his hand.

“I’m Alfred F. Jones. Who are you?”

The boy looked at him.

“No one important.”

( fun fact: like The Bystander Effect and to be a friend, this was also written for a project for school, only that I wrote Transparent Answer as a guide for a flipbook animation project, whereas the two were submitted as is. )

| 1 0 | Sorry That I Loved You | published on archiveofourown ; HS AU oneshot ; main pairing: past! one-sided USUK ; brief mentions of: one-sided Ameripan

synopsis: I’m sorry that I loved you.

I'm so sorry that I hurt you.

But sorry doesn't turn back time.

( fun fact: this fic is actually one of the few fics I wrote which is closest to my heart, due to the fact that this was heavily based upon an event which happened to me only a few months ago. further explanation can be found in the fic itself. )

| 1 1 | Change The World | originally published on tumblr, now also published on archiveofourown ; HS AU oneshot inspired by a tumblr post by @liberteadreamer ; main pairing: USUK

synopsis: He sits next to him day by day.

Nothing’s new, nothing’s changed—just two young men in a boring class no one cares about.

| 1 2 | Art | published on tumblr as a fill for a requested prompt by @cassy-cass-can ; Modern AU drabble ; main pairing: USUK

preview: He wasn’t the greatest artist, and he knew it, but nevertheless he wasn’t one to ignore any jabs at his art—whether it was intentional or otherwise.

| 1 3 | Helpless | another one of the fills for a requested prompt, this time from @ami-v-dragnire ; HS, Soulmate AU drabble ; main pairing: eventual USUK

preview: He’s not scared, no, not at all.

He’s bloody terrified.

[...] But it was over and done with, wasn’t it? The other half of his jewel, the half meant for his soulmate is gone, gone, and who knows who has it now at this point.

| 1 4 | Safe In My Hands | the most recent drabble I wrote as a fill for a requested prompt, also from @ami-v-dragnire ; Superheroes/Villains AU ; main pairing: USUK

preview: “I told you, you insufferable git,” he’s scowling, Alfred notices, and despite the fact that he’s bleeding out at a rapid rate, he manages to chuckle weakly at the look on his partner’s face. “I told you that your abilities weren’t suitable for defensive maneuvers, but look what you did!”

Well, that’s all of it so far. Next Up: The Crossovers, which is a somewhat short list. (I hope.)

[contradictoryenigmas]

2020 Postmortem: 10 Questions

2020. A year that did not go as planned. Okay, I am massively downplaying just what a complete shitshow it was. The best way I can describe is that episode of Seinfeld where George declares it to be the "Summer of George", only to have him in a hospital bed towards the end, disappointed that it didn't work out.

When I started writing this year's 10 questions piece, I wasn't sure how it would form considering most of the year was spent at home, trying to survive. But the result is the longest 10 questions to date. Guess I had a lot to get out there.

Author's Note: If you are new to this or want to take a look back at previous pieces, you can click on the links here: 2017, 2018, and 2019.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

I should start with one of the major elephants in the room. Since March 12th, I have been working from home. The day before, all of us at work got an email from the home office in the United Kingdom saying the offices there and in the U.S. would be closed for a time to protect employees from the growing spread of COVID-19.  Many of us thought we would be back in the office in a month or so. Oh boy, how wrong we were considering later that day, news would come out that Tom Hanks and his wife contracted the virus and the NBA would suspend their season after a player tested positive.

Not being in an office has some significant downsides for me. For one, it was the place where I interacted with people outside of close family. Now, the only real interaction I do with co-workers is either over email or Microsoft Teams, mostly dealing with work stuff. I worry this long period of isolation will hurt my social abilities, which to be fair were at negative levels when I had started this job last year, but were improving. The other is losing the separation between work and home. Since coming home and spending time in my room as an office and place to rest, my anxiety and feelings that I should be working started to come in. Some of this was alleviated by me setting some ground rules such as having a hard stop. But those feelings are still there and likely hampered efforts to try and relax.

Most of my work for the year was spent on three big projects that would set the course for the future of the company. Having this on the back of my shoulders added a bit of anxiety and drained me of a lot of energy. Every day, I found myself crashing in bed to take a quick nap so I could regain some energy.

That brings me to writing. 2020 I was hoping to get back to writing in a big way. Not only with automotive stuff, but doing some more with this blog and launching a new project. But with everything that has been going on this year, a lot of these ambitions had to be shelved. A lot of this stems from not having any energy or motivation to either start and/or finish various pieces. There would be moments where a burst of energy comes on and could I belt out a quick review or news story, but it was rare. At the end of this year, I have a bit of a backlog of new car reviews to get up. But at least I'm not pushing myself to the grindstone and getting them out. This only results in shoddy work and I feel quite bad.

For the personal blog, this is going to be the first and last piece for the year. It wasn't for the lack of trying. Several pieces currently sit on my laptop that are in varying states of completion, but again, I lacked the energy or motivation to go forward.

There are a couple of pieces I want to call out,

Afterthoughts: A Car In Troubled Times: This was written after my Grandfather passed away in June (not from COVID). With this and everything going on in the world, I wrote about how the car became a place where I could escape the world for a bit and work out various thoughts and feelings.

Quick Drive: 2020 Lexus RC F: My last new car review of the year and man what a car. I loved the throaty V8 engine and the grand touring nature of the suspension. I think the last line sums up my feelings about this car,

"It brought me the joy which sometimes is all you need a car to do."

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

Getting back to reviewing vehicles on a somewhat regular basis

Saving enough money to move forward on finding my first apartment

I know that's only two, but I really can't think of anything else from this landfill fire of a year.

What are you really glad is over?

THE YEAR!  (cymbal crash)

Okay, that was obvious, so let go a bit deeper.

The mess of the 2020 elections are mercifully done. A lot of us knew this was going to be very different, but I don't think we knew how much it would be. Just look at the first debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Then election day rolls around and seeing the collective sadness rear its head as the first ballots are being counted, even though we knew that the mail-in ones were still waiting in the wings to be tallied. It took a few days, but the sense of jubilation when the results were leaning towards Biden was not all that surprising, considering the mess of the past four years. Whether or not this gets better remains to be seen.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

I touched on this with the first question, but loneliness has been a big issue. Not being able to interact with people outside of my own family has brought back memories of some of the dark days of depression where I wouldn't talk with anyone. Thankfully, I'm not fully returning to these ways. But I can't help but worry that my socials skills will be back at a negative level. Twitter and Instagram have filled in some of the missing social aspects, but I can only use it so much before feelings of "Fear of Missing Out" and not being able to interact in person. Also, the deluge of various events such as the killing of George Floyd and the election meant I had to turn off social media at times to allow time to process and work out various feelings.

My mental health has also taken a bit of a stumble. Various aspects of my ADHD have started to come back in force with procrastination, distractions, fear of rejection, and warped perception of time to name a few. There has also been a large amount of stress and anxiety to work through because of the year. I think it's a bad sign when your anxieties have their anxieties to deal with.

To top it off, it has been hard to find something to keep my mind occupied for longer than five minutes. I look at the number of books and video games currently sitting on shelves or stacked in the closet waiting to be open, or the various movies and TV shows I have in queues for various streaming services and my own media server. Yet, they are left untouched. I drift towards scrolling through various social media outlets or watching the same YouTube videos. I've been trying to figure out why these are my go-to and not the items listed above that would give the same pleasure and stimulation, but also open some new windows and ideas. I haven't fully figured it out yet, but I do have some clues and ideas as to why.

On the flip side, I'm very lucky that I am still employed. That may seem like a put-down, but out of my close family, I'm the only one who has stayed employed throughout the year. My mom's last day of school was the day I started working from home, and she wouldn't return until the start of the new year. Both my dad and brother had furloughs at their respective jobs during the late Spring.

I have been slowly messing around with some projects that I've been wanting to do. These include expanding my media sever collection to include music, cataloging various media so I stop buying duplicates,  and starting to explore various interests that I had when I younger.

Getting back to reviewing new cars has been quite enjoyable. Despite having a backlog that will not be finished till sometime in February or March, it has been fun again to figure out a vehicle's high and low points.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Nope.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

Two things come to mind. First is that I don't need a firehose of information. I was subscribed to several sites through RSS and had many people I was following on Twitter to see what was happening. But this massive flow of information was only making my anxiety and stress worse. For the past month, I have started to unsubscribe to a number of newsletters and RSS feeds, along with culling down my Twitter following list.

Second is that I need to slow down. What I mean by this is I need to take my time and not focus on trying to finish everything as fast as possible so I move on to the next thing. There is something about taking a moment to breathe or letting things play out to a point to where you can jump in and provide a different point of view.

Who are the people that came through for you this year?

My therapist came through this year, transitioning from in-person visits to doing chats either through Zoom or on the phone - depending on whether or not either of us run into technical issues. They have been really helpful just listening to whatever was on my mind that week, and point out possible thoughts and directions to chew on to get me into a better place.

There is also a large number of people I interacted with that made the lockdown and isolation a little bit more bearable. Too many to list here, but I would like to say thank you to all.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Casiopea, Mint Jams: There is a person who I follow on Twitter that brings up Casiopea from time to time. This Japanese jazz fusion band has been around since 1976 and produced a number of albums. I had them in the back of my mind for a time to check, but wasn't until the fall when I started listening to Mint Jams - their seventh album (and I believe second live album). I immediately fell in love with the band after hearing the first track Take Me. Something about this brings absolute joy and pleasure. Since then, I have bought the CD and started to dive fully into the discography.

Yakuza Like A Dragon (Playstation 4): I don't know how to describe a game where one minute you're beating up criminals and the next minute you're trying to figure out who is urinating in a river. It seems ridiculous, but that's Yakuza Like a Dragon in a nutshell. There are moments of complete absurdity that is intertwined with tender and heartfelt moments as you interact with your compatriots. I'm currently on chapter five and finding new stuff to do such as a Mario Kart knockoff and running my own business, while trying to figure why I was betrayed by a father figure. It's chaotic and beautiful at the same time.

Zero 7, Simple Things: This album was the one I would play if I was feeling down or needed a reminder to slow down.

Growing Collection of Face Masks: If I am going to wear face masks to protect myself and others, I might as well have some interesting ones. Currently have around twenty masks that I wear and wash, all of them with some distinct pattern or fabric to have them stand out. I'm likely going to be buying a few more in the new year because I'm really like wearing them.

Honorable Mentions: Ghost of Tsushima; Animal Crossing: New Horizons; Paper Mario: The Origami King; Tatort - German Crime Drama; Motorweek's Retro Reviews on YouTube; Newton and the Counterfeiter by Thomas Levenson;  x + y: A Mathematician's Manifesto for Rethinking Gender by Eugenia Cheng (currently reading, may appear in my 2021 10 Questions).

What will you be leaving behind in 2020?

This one hurts but it is the "old normal". I remember listening to a podcast about a couple of months after starting working from home and one of the hosts brought up that the old normal isn't coming back. We need to take time and mourn the loss. I didn't know what to make of this at the time, but it really started to sink in as this mess slowly continued throughout the year.

Think about how much has changed in your day to day routine. For example, I don't leave the house unless I really need to get something from the grocery store, taking the dog for a walk, or going for a drive to clear my head. A lot of places I would have normally gone are either only allowing pickup or closed down. I haven't seen anyone outside my family since March and have seen only a couple of relatives since then.

No one knows what comes after the virus is at a state where all of us can resume some sort of 'normal'. Will our favorite places still be around? Is virtual learning going to be the next step for schools? Are we going to watching new movies over streaming services and not at a theater? Will online shopping take over as the main source of getting goods?

There's a lot of unknowns that will not have an answer for quite some time. But I have started to mourn that the old normal is gone. As much I hate it and don't know what's next, I know that I have to ready myself in some fashion.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2021?

Unfortunately, a lot of the stuff I want to work on in the coming year depends on what happens with the rollout of the vaccine and containing the virus. There are a few things I have marked as priorities.

Moving into my first place: So I never have talked about this publicly except to a few close people, but I'm really looking forward to moving out and into an apartment. Originally I was planning to do it this year, but then everything came to a screeching halt. This proved to be a blessing in disguise as I was able to save a bit more money so that I had two months of rent and the security deposit. I have a few places in mind and the goal is to move in before the end of March. That will give me enough time to figure out several items such as insurance.

Writing: I feel like this is something I mention every year. Some progress is made, but not as much as I would like. This past year, I was hoping to branch out by doing more with this blog and starting a couple of projects that had been sitting around for a while. But none of those things happened. Next year, I have some maintenance items to do for the personal blog. I don't know if I'll have anything worth writing about at the moment since my brain is currently recovering from a pile of mush. As for the projects, I'm hoping to launch one sometime in the next few months. The other is going to sit on the sidelines still as I still need to work out some items with that.

Keeping Records: I always think that I remember 'x' and I don't need to write anything down about it, and it turns out I do forget. Yeah, I'm wanting to change that for this coming year. Primarily, I'm doing this for any vehicle I review because it might be months before I start writing, and have forgotten key parts I wanted to mention. This is also something I want to do with books, video games, and music as a way to remember what I enjoyed throughout a given year.

It would be at this point I would end this postmortem with some pithy note about 2020 getting kicked out and 2021 hopefully being a massive improvement. Except that feels quite insincere. We have various vaccines rolling out, but it remains a massive question as to how fast and whether or not enough people take it. There's also the toll on mental health that is only going to get larger not only from those working in hospitals but in other fields. I could go on with other items, but you get a general idea.

[rigelmejo]

Progress made over past few months June - Sept 2020

I think it’s time I make an updated study plan I’m more likely to follow/that’s more in line with what I’m doing now. But first, I wanted to post some things I did manage to get done! I didn’t stick exactly to my original study plan, but I did make some progress! ovo)/

Goals met these past few months:

Chapters of chinese read: 45+. Chapters read since start of September: 30+ (Breakdown of novels: Tamen de Gushi, Hanshe - pingxie fanfic, 818 - pingxie fanfic, Modu - priest, some random short fanfics, and a lot of manhua strips which I ended up counting as just ‘1′ chapter combined. What is worth noting to me is I did much better with consistently reading when I jumped around reading whatever I wanted, instead of sticking to a specific story until finished. I did not end up reading any of the novels I had originally ‘planned’ to read. Also by the end it could’ve been closer to 40+ since September, in September I stopped remembering to count)

Episodes watched in chinese (no english subs), since start of September: 19.5 (Breakdown of shows: Guardian rewatch, Bureau of Transformers rewatch, Love and Redemption, The Lost Tomb Reboot, The Lost Tomb 2. Again, worth noting that I do better just randomly watching something I want in chinese instead of trying to dedicatedly stick to doing this for certain shows etc.)

Got through 1000 cards in 2 months (0-1000 most common words, 6/14/2020)

Got through 1200 words (6/28/2020)

Got through HSK 4 flashcard words (1400 words, 6/3/2020)

Got through 1500 most common words (7/18/2020)

Got through 1750 most common words (7/23/2020)

Got through 2000 most common words (7/26/2020)

(You may notice a pattern, I motivated more when I counted by smaller intervals, seeing DONE in my progress notes really motivated me and kept me studying)

Get through 250 Heisig characters

get through 500 Heisig

get through 750 heisig

Get through 1000 heisig (8/30 - also FYI I do think it’s helped my reading speed/comfort noticeably)

Read through Mandarin Companion Sherlock (this was an interesting experience, the only thing I read that was on my original list - when I started it the reading was a bit difficult, but I’d already read 14 chapters of tamen de gushi. Once I was done with this it was easy, and i went back to tamen de gushi and THAT was noticeably easier too. This showed me extensive reading does help improve my skills, and also doing something hard makes other things easier later).

Watched 3 tprs chinese videos on youtube (i like tprs videos, i have zero ability to focus on youtube though and just procrastinate)

It wasn’t a goal, just an experiment, but I ended up doing some Listening Reading Method in September. Silent Reading: 5 Chapters, Daomubiji: 1 Chapter, SVSSS: 2 Chapters. So a total of 8 chapters studied with l-r method. This is only counting chapters I’ve done Step 3 Listening in Target Language, Reading in English. It does not count time spent on Step 1 or 2, or any repeated steps I did. I am aiming to do more in October, as I plan to switch my study method up a lot. In addition, with several of my chinese-novel chapters, I’ve been reading them intensively, then going back and listening to the audio, to work on both reading and listening more. 

Personal goals met these past few months:

Finished writing WMMSD - which amounted to writing 60k words this September! And finishing my first ever long piece of writing at 266k words! I’m really proud of myself, and now I know I can finish long projects! The key is an outline of major events in each chapters/arc, apparently. And playing kingdom hearts ost instrumental music, and just getting in the right focus to write. I did about 1 chapter every 2 days (so 20 pages every 2 days). Also toward the end I started learning to be a bit more concise at 10 pages a chapter, which I was happy about.

Completed Chloe Ting 2 Week Workout Shred, doing 2-4 exercises a day but not always the extra ones. I lost no weight but noticed significant improvements in my stomach and arm muscles, which was nice since my surgery/health had made my stomach muscles very weak. So its good its more up to what it used to be now.

Things I noticed:

Not a surprise, I don’t stick to flashcards long. I am going to stop kidding myself - and probably will not go back to them except to cram through some section on an as-needed basis. For example, if I need to pick up X more words concretely, or if I need to study more hanzi concretely. This past September I totally dropped flashcards, despite doing them through the summer. That said - my summer flashcard study proved to me my brain is good at retaining the crammed info (or remembering it quickly) so I am not too sad over missing reviews. I’ll make it up later, if I need it and go back to cards.

I really want to work on listening skills more. These past few months, my focus went into dongchinese’s tone trainer and pinyin/tones guide (which I’ve found very helpful and am still going through meticulously), into the Spoonfed Chinese Audio files I have (which seem to be helping me much more than the actual flashcards - I focus more on listening, and analysing what I hear - and this is good since the cards are more for reading which I practice by actually reading a lot already). I have also been adding just random listening to audiobook chapters, shows without subtitles, and Listening-Reading method in attempts to improve listening skills more. I very much want to drag up listening comprehension closer to my reading skills. L-R Method I have been seeing potential in... I already notice it improving my listening comprehension a bit, and if I do Step 2 with word lookup (or after Step 3 with knowledge of the meanings fresh in my head), or do an alternative extra-step 3 which is english audio with chinese text (like with DMBJ on MTLnovels with siri voice), then I can use L-R to work on reading skill as well.

I’ve been very motivated by reading lately as well. So I’ve been reading a lot. I’ve been switching between extensive reading and intensive. I plan to keep doing this generally, and see if it helps. With Hanshe (the pingxie fanfic), the first 4-5 chapters were brutally hard and I intensively read them. Then I went back and extensively read them and just looked up problem words I still couldn’t remember - while listening to the audio and trying to follow along. So the first time I’m intensively reading, then the second time I either practice extensive reading and/or practice listening. After the first 4-5 chapters I noticed myself picking up some new story-specific words, and getting better at reading some parts extensively. So I do think overall this experience is helping me. With the audio-addition I don’t think its helping my listening skills much, but it is helping me attach sound to new words/characters. I am picking up new characters but more slowly (compared to new words spelled with hanzi i already know).

In general, I’ve noticed improvements from reading. So I’ll continue reading. I’d like to keep working both intensive/extensive practice in, and in listening to audio to help keep listening skills matched to new words.

In general, I plan to add more Listening-Reading Method and variations on the method. I think its helping me a lot with listening, and to some degree with reading just because in Step 2 (before or after Step 3) I often read the chinese and start noticing some words, especially when I look up a few problem words. Just in general though, the repetition of subject matter and words is helping me to pick up a lot. And I REALLY want to drag up my listening comprehension. I noticed with dmbj, which I did L-R steps 2-3 over and over a few times with, that I know nearly every word in chapter 1 now lol. So something about those steps, although I’m still not sure which order would be most effective, definitely improves listening and reading skills.

I need to continue to do some extensive reading. While I think I pick up less new words, it consolidates the things I’ve learned (which is why I’m trying to reread Hanshe chapters extensively after doing it intensively). And I think it makes me actually practice the problem solving of reading - like when i read MoDu physical copy. 

I do still think mnemonics for characters will help me with new words, so I’d still like to read through Alan Hoenig’s Learn Chinese Characters book... as for my mnemonics flashcards, I may go back to them when i either feel i need to cram them to boost my abilities, or when i feel in the mood to focus on flashcards.

new ios Speech Screen feature is great. I can open up MTLnovel.com, can put on ‘show raws’ to see a parallel chinese/english text, then swipe 2 fingers down from the top of my screen for a screen reader. The chinese voice sounds almost as good as Pleco, and it ALSO READS the english. So I can look at chinese when hearing the english, look at english when hearing the chinese, or any combination of ‘listening-reading method’ approaches! I can also play it as background audio, to hear sentences compared in chinese then english. This is something I’ve wanted - english/chinese audio of novels, in the same format as my Chinese Spoonfed Audio files. I know that audio has been helping me - hearing the comparisons. So I think listening to these novels parallel text in the background is also good ‘comprehensible’ input to study from. I don’t even have to record it (although I could if I wanted to). I can just play it then listen. And I can also play it while reading. It’s very useful. I’ve been desperately wanting a tool to allow me to do this - make audio of both chinese and english read in sequence without the automated voice skipping half. 

My goals for October will likely be: listening to comprehensible audio in down time like Chinese Spoonfed Audiofiles/MTL parallel texts with Speech Screen (so in the bg walking, at work, etc), Reading (intensively mostly, but also extensively rereading chapters sometimes or as desired with random stuff), some manhua reading extensively if desired, Listening-Reading Method (try to do it earnestly for a while since I’ve got several stories to do it with), and maybe read some of Alan Hoenig’s book (just reading through - don’t be a perfectionist!). Knowing me... I’ll probably be able to do at least some of these, I doubt I’ll read the Alan Hoenig book because reference books are hell to me but we’ll see... I do think it’ll help. Regardless, I think as long as I do some of this I should at least maintain progress and improve a bit. A lot of this is what I’m mostly doing currently. I plan to track chapters read, and listening-reading chapters done. I won’t track audio files - but ideally I’d like to go through something (With Chinese Spoonfed audio I think I should listen to 1 new, and 1 older as ‘spaced review’ as I progress. With mtlnovel I think I should just progress through a novel since words often repeat).