#and i literally started stimming so hard i fucked up and only got a B lmao

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

the interest is getting to meee

[soupsysoup]

Kwazii Head canons!! Not the best drawing, but the one I was gonna use originally looked like a fucking cheeto and did not look like Kwazii, sooo-, yeah.

Headcanons!!

-Trans Aro/Ace

-He/him

-Has ADHD and Dyslexia. I mean, look at him, I doubt I need to say more

-The hole in his ear is a ripped piercing

-Him and Inkling like to place random bets during their ping pong matches. Like trading out chores or taking over the other's chore as well as their own.

-Gup B is his comfort gup and misses it quite a bit when he's out and about with his Grand-dad

-Like Cali, his eye has a light sensitivity. It's genetic. It's not bc of the eye patch. Other than that, his eye works fine, however, his vision is getting worse in that eye, so-

-Sings sea shanties with Captain Barnacles. Him and Barnacles listen to Fish in a Birdcage. One album in particular that I haven't rlly bothered to find the name of, lol

-Has tried to learn an instrument, but fails every time, and gives up too easily

-Him and Barnacles actually bumped heads a few times when he was training to be an Octonaut (Yes, there's training to be one, and he just barely passed, it's a fucking miracle)

-In his Pirate days, the only he was widely known for was that he was Calico's grandson, so that put a huge target on his back.

-His parents died, but he was raised by Calico Jack when he was just a kitten, but after Cali left, the crew raised him.

-the crew that raised him told him so many stories abt Calico's daring feats and what not. As well as "monster" stories

-Very active imagination. Gives him anxiety

-Amazing artist. Him and Shellington draw together and Barnacles joins sometimes. It's just a quiet thing that they all do together. Tweak also joins in on occasion. They're just sitting in silence, drawing, maybe listening to music. It's one of the only times you'll ever see Kwazii focus so hard for so long

-If he's ever focused on something and you disrupt him, he isn't rlly happy abt it bc him focusing on something is abt as rare as a blue moon

-Bounces his leg and swishes his tail when fidgeting

-Is never truly still, even when he's asleep, he's always moving around.

-Boops the crew on occasion for no real reason (Especially Peso, Barnacles, and Shellington. Emphasis on Peso and Barnacles. Extra emphasis on Peso)

-Protective over Peso

-Yeow is 100% a vocal stim that he's been using since he was just a kitten. He got it from his grand dad

-Prior to adventuring to the Amazon, he was 99% sure his granddad was dead, but he somehow felt, deep in his bones, that Cali was still alive somewhere.

-Cried while holding a picture of Calico Jack after the Amazon episode. He actually started writing to him as much as he could.

-Got his sword skills (and possibly drawing skills) from his grand dad

-Used to follow Cali around, mimicking everything he did/said. Annoyed him at first, but grew to actually love him for it bc he realized that he was this kid's role model and I think that's sweet as hell

-After he decided to get his own ship, he realized how lonely he was. He discovered that Cali's old crew disbanded after he left, and would love to find them, but there's no traces of them left...maybe they're dead...or alive...we may never know...

-Gold tooth, like his grand dad. He probably got into a fight with someone and got the tooth punched right out of his mouth.

-Didn't get a proper gold tooth, till Peso gave him one, when he first joined.

-Last one to join the Octonauts

-Like his grand dad, he likes to curl up into a ball when sleeping

-Cuddle bug for life

-Has an older brother bond to Peso and uses the stories to scare him

-Him and Peso occasionally fight like actual siblings, but get along most of the time

-Was not the most cooperative person when he first joined. In fact, he was a little on edge and hostile to the group, but now, they're literally his family

-He cusses like crazy, but stopped bc Peso doesn't like cussing and Barnacles says it's kind of important to stay at least somewhat professional at all times

-Cannot handle any type of cold, what so ever. His room is a fucking Sauna, it's crazy

-Calico Jack was his ultimate transition goal when he was first transitioning.

-He's actually quite strong and it is totally bc of all the swimming he does on the job

-Part Carribean and Part Asian, but he grew up all over the place

[ducktr0ducin]

Ok. I paced and rambled my thoughts. I angry stimmed so hard I might have actually strained my wrists. Let me cook

OK SO. FIRST OF ALL.

I see a LOT and I mean a LOT of people compare the overarching mystery of dt17 to gravity falls, and, as politely as I can put it. No. No the fuck it does not compare. The mystery of what happened to Della (and also clone webby I guess) does not at all hold a candle to Fords reveal at all. What made Ford such a compelling and fun mystery were the sheer amount of tiny breadcrumbs hidden throughout the episodes. Stuff that you could see for a few seconds and it’s gone, where you don’t give it a second thought on its own. The STNLYMBL license plate, the second pair of glasses from the hidden study, the broken pair of swings. All things that are easy to miss or can be glossed over on their own. I still think back to the Between the Pines mini special, where Alex Hirsh points out the detail of an author flashback having a small rainbow reflection on the desk, and it coming from one of the mini prisms in the hidden study. I only THIS YEAR realized that Gideon calling Stanley “Stanford” was why Stan was so certain about Gideon being a con. (Or Stan just knows a conman when he sees one, but with him being aware of the towns weirdness and general paranormal stuff, it seems more likely the name tipping him off).

With Dt17, you get. Nothing like that.

Clues about what happened to Della are only discussed in episodes where figuring out another clue is the B Plot. I genuinely cannot think of ANYTHING on gravity falls level of clue dropping. Episodes like that feel like Dewey and Webby are turning towards the camera and going “This is a clue about Della, listen carefully”. I watched this show twice. Once on my own when it was first airing, and once last year with a friend (which was his first watch). I kept my eye out for that shit. There was nothing. (Also shout out to my friend pointing out that this “lack of reward for rewatching” also applies to SINGULAR EPISODES. In The Golden Lagoon of White Agony Plains he pointed out how the map only shows up in the mammoths teeth DURING the flashback, and not BEFORE IN THE EPISODE WHERE WE CLEARLY SAW IT FROM THE SAME ANGLE. We were both so baffled.)

Also clone webby. Where do I even start with clone webby. This particularly feels like a spit in the face. Again, another mystery I was watching LIKE A HAWK for clues. And yet. The closest we got is “I’m your grandmother, no more secrets between us.” “Fibbing fibbing fibbing”. Which. A: happens like six episodes before the finale. And B: is so fucking vague it could apply to LITERALLY ANYTHING. I don’t even KNOW if only the grandmother part was the fib, or the whole line. It’s THAT bad. And before I get some guys in the replies being like “oh but Webby likes emulating Scrooge” HE IS HER ROLE MODEL. KIDS. EMULATE. THEIR. ROLE. MODELS. Not only that, but she grew up in an EXTREMELY sheltered environment surrounded by books and relics from his adventures. You’re telling ME, that a KID, who GREW UP SURROUNDED BY HIS TALES OF GREATNESS WOULDNT WANT TO BE LIKE HIM?? HELL. THIS GETS SHOWN IN GRAVITY FALLS TO AN EXTENT. DIPPER TRYING HIS DAMNDEST TO FOLLOW THE AUTHORS FOOTSTEPS AND BE GREAT LIKE HIM. THIS DOES NOT MEAN DIPPER IS A CLONE OF FORD. OH MY GOD.

Ough. And look. I understand no show can be perfect. Gravity falls has its own issues (mine lie mostly with some art style decisions). Dt87 has its own issues (whenever I talk about watching it with a friend I’m always sure to warn about some stuff not aging well). One piece has its own issues (some of the pacing and fishman island Sanji). But with dt17 I am. Flabbergasted. Just flabbergasted.

But. Through it all. I just need to live and let live. If you enjoy dt17 good for you, good that you enjoy something I don’t. I just got really autistic about someone comparing Gravity Falls to dt17 lmao

tl;dr duck show mystery bad, but if you like it good for you

Just saw the worst take on Twitter ever and I’m so mad at it but if I talk about it I will get. Torn to shreds.

[fill-me-with-your-memes-daddy]

Watching the Rise of the Titans movie and I'll be documenting all of my thoughts/reactions here. [Spoiler Warning]

So instead of reblogging every new update, I'm just going to have this post up on my phone as I watch and type my reactions in a bullet list format.

Nari's human disguise is so cute. As someone who does have a cottagecore aesthetic, I want to cosplay her so bad

Are Skrael and/or Belroc non-binary coded? Regardless, I'm also obsessed and I want to fuck Skrael and be Belroc.

STEVE CARING ABOUT JIM BEING HURT YESSSS!!! My god his redemption has probably been one of the greatest there is because he doesn't just suddenly go from being a bully to a completely good person. You can see the gradual shift in learning better throughout the shows which is awesome.

IN NEW YOOOOOOORRRRRRRK!!!!!! CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

The mugshot montage reminded me of season 1 of trollhunters when toby and Jim were arrested at the museum.

STRICKLER PUT A RING ON IT??? HE'S THE ONLY DILF IVE EVER ACTUALLY AGREED WAS HOT WYM I CAN'T HAVE HIM??? well I'm still really happy about his arc over the series probably one of my favorite character growths.

Eli my guy got his growth spurt!!! As an 18 year old who is still 5'0", I'm happy but envious for him

So I went into this movie without watching any trailers or promo, but I doubt anything could have prepared me for the existence of mpreg. In fact, I wasn't going to document my reactions until I saw that.

NAMURA!!!!!!!!! MY BELOVED!!!!!! I CAN STILL THIRST FOR YOU WITHOUT GUILT

The coach teacher just called the kids zoomers so I have to dock one point from my final rating just because of that. Unforgivable

Those husky animation models suck lmao

Oh fuck the titans got power ranger zords!!

God why did they include the mpreg??? This movie would have been perfect without it.... After that plot point being revisited only one time I'm already beyond done with it

Like it's bringing me back to the v*ltron days where they're was a suspiciously high amount of klance omegaverse and mpreg fics and art created and it physically hurts because Steve and Keith's voice actor is the same person meaning this is especially cursed to me since I was unfortunately in the v*ltron fandom and remember all of that

But like on another note, how old are these characters again??? I haven't checked any wikis because of spoilers but is Steve an adult??? I know aja might be technically a lot older than 18 because alien but is whatever age she is equivalent to an adult as far as emotionally and physically in Akaridion development??? IS THIS A TEEN (M)PREGNANCY IN A KIDS SHOW????

Like bruh I saw a singular post on here before going into the movie that was like "rott spoilers without context" and there was a pregnant belly but I was absolutely not expecting the actual context of it. I'll find the post after I finish and edit this post to tag the creator right here: @makoden

This entire post is just gonna be me ranting about mpreg huh

Anyway I love the whole roundtable allusion to the legends of king arthur (not the toa version but the one he's based off)

THERE'S 3 TO 5 BABIES????? I need to take a break bruh this is just too much

Alright I've taken a 30 minute break got some food and did some things i love (decompressed by tactile stimming with some owl plushies and watched some videos on my favorite owl, Garu. He lives in Japan with his owner and is a domesticated eagle owl who basically just acts like a sky cat. If anyone else needs some eye bleach, here is their YouTube channel)

Blinky and ARRRGHHH!!! saying their "if one of us doesn't make it" talk my god one of them is going to die I can see it and I will be utterly crushed. Jim can't lose another father figure and Toby can't lose his wingman again I will riot if this happens

On a similar but unrelated to the movie note, can we just talk about how toa started with Jim having 0 dads and (if strickler and blinky live to the end) will end with 2 dads? Like I just really feel happy for him that he has two dads who actually figured out how to put the past behind them to not have any infighting between them so that both of them are healthy father figures. Jim has already been through literal hell and back losing his actual humanity in the process so if he loses one of them, I'm going to be really pissed because at this point, this is just Jim torture porn. Y'all know how as SpongeBob SquarePants went on, the show just became Squidward torture porn? It's starting to feel that way for toa and I really hope they cut the shit by the ending

Jlaire is such a good ship but like I feel like it's too perfect they never disagree with each other

YESSSSSSS Someone finally doesn't treat toby like a fat waste of space who messes stuff up!!! I think out of all the characters that would have been most deserving of a rewrite, it's Toby. Sometimes I just feel he's only comic relief and any heartfelt moments he's had in the series was also born of stupidity (ie his flour baby project being unharmed was seen by him as divine intervention from his parents but was actually just Eli and Steve behind the scenes).

Ohhhhh yesssssss Archie's father!!! I was hoping I'd see him again because we got so little of him last

Ooooooooooh Asian trollmarket!!!!!

Oh never mind slavery trollmarket

Bruh titanic camelot

I feel like we're not seeing enough of the villains because I completely forgot about the power ranger zord things

NAMORA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY LAST CRUSHHHH

STRICKLER NO NOT YOU TOO PLEASE

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS I SIMP FOR ON THIS SHOW DIED WITHIN FIVE MINUTES OF EACH OTHER

THAT WHOLE ASS RANT I WROTE IS COMING TRUE FUCK THIS MOVIE THIS SERIES IS JUST JIM TORTURE PORN

WAIT JIM'S SPERM DONOR INFO?

Oh thank God I don't want to know anything about that person

For the record, I call that man Jim's sperm donor because he has no business being called a father to him. All he did was donate some swimmers to the creation of him and give him abandonment issues

Oh another blind troll elder???? This fucker is just if vendel was a bad guy

Bruh I was grieving

PACIFIC RIM WITH GUN ROBOT VEX AND THE BELROCZORD? I've never seen that movie but I know the reference

Bruh Blinky doesn't read horoscopes? Does he realize conspiracy theories are just the manly version of horoscopes?

NO DON'T KILL VEX STOP KO-ING FOUND FAMILY MEMBERS

Oh thank God he's okay

NO NOT ARCHIE AND CHARLEMAGNE OH MY GOD

oh never mind they're just gonna coup de tat I believe in them :))

But I want to see him again

But I'm glad to see vex

Yay they're in arcadia!

But yeah I wondered why the trolls and Merlin didn't keep the whole "daylight doesn't hurt trolls" feature from the eternal night but now Guillermo del Toro I see you were playing the long con in that just to kill my girl Namora :(((

Oooooh I love the animation of the Narizord over Chihuahua!! It looks very good and realistic (if only they could have put some of that into those huskies from before smh)

Bruh the character designs of the arcane order are so good I want to be them

Nari making sure the Skraelzord doesn't crush the bus

DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE

Bruh I'm just glad we finally have an answer on why arcadia had everything going on as opposed to literally anywhere else!! I always found that as a weird coincidence for plot convince.

BRUH WERE BACK TO THE MPREG IM SO JEALOUS I FORGOT ABOUT THAT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS GRIEVING THE LOSS OF MY LOVELIES.

Oh that's real convenient that the ninth configuration meant all of them. Way to not decide which character gets more attention. Though it probably was a smart way to not have any infighting in the fandom between each character's stan group.

Bruh I just realized where is Barbera did they just ditch her on the Camelot ship???

And where are the other trolls that migrated at the end of trollhunters s3? They said something about new jersey but obviously Jim and the other main characters got on Camelot instead.... This feels like a plot hole

And we never learned the process of how changelings are made and bonded to humans and stuff. We just know it's super painful but I'm curious ffs!!!!

THE DONT THINK BECOME HERO SPEECH ALL SAID TOGETHER!!!

BRUH THEY REALLY HAD TO SHOW HIM GIVING BIRTH??????? WAS THAT AN ABSOLUTE MUST??????

Plus the main audience for this series is little children (the rating for the movie is literally TV-Y7) so even though my adult ass is not in the target audience, I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD MPREG AND ANAL BIRTH WOULD BE AN IMPORTANT THING TO 7 YEAR OLDS???? THIS IS A LITERAL FETISH HIDDEN IN KIDS CONTENT ITS ELSAGATE ALL OVER AGAIN Y'ALL 😭😭😭😭😭

Though it's probably hypocritical of me to think fetishes don't belong in kids tv when I've openly admitted to thirsting for strickler and namora

HUZZAH

NEW AMULET WAZ GOOD????

STAB THAT BITCH JIM

WAIT NO I SAID STAB NOT GET STABBED

Alright good job just missed the directions at first but you fixed it

SEVEN KIDS?????????

T O B Y ????????????

W A I T NO

N O

IS HE ACTUALLY

OH MY GOD THERE'S HOPE

NO THERE ISN'T

F U C K THIS SHIT THEY REALLY JUST HAD HIM TO BE BULLIED THEN KILLED

Y'ALL IM ACTUALLY CRYING THIS NEVER HAPPENS

I NEVER ACTUALLY GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER MEDIA THAT I CRY IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE AT THE END OF VOLTRON BUT AHHHHHHHH

W A I T

HE'S GONNA BE BROUGHT BACK?????

HOLD UP THEY'RE JUST GONNA BRING ALL THOSE DEAD PEOPLE BACK??????

WAIT IS HE

BLINKY CALLED HIM A SON

HOLD ON IS THIS GOING TO BE A CLIFFHANGER???????????

BRUH THEY REALLY JUST CAN'T END THE SERIES WITHOUT CLIFFHANGERS like there's always an open ending

TROLLHUNTER TOBY????? You know what forget the whole rants I had on how toby was written they just redeemed it all

And that's all! I'd rate it a 6.5/10 because it's definitely the weakest of all the sequels but still had amazing animation and some good plot points. It's just really hard to look over the bad stuff enough to rate it any higher.

[hiccanna-tidbits]

Autistic Hiccup x ADHD Anna Headcanons

SO I’ve been really into the whole Autistic x ADHD ship dynamic and Hiccanna...highkey fits??? Like y’all know I will die on my “Anna has ADHD” hill, but after reading this post by @hobie-brown I’m like wait, the autistic Hiccup headcanon is wonderful too??? And blends SO WELL with ADHD Anna??? And I absolutely HAD to explore it more so BOOM headcanon time! Another special thanks to @hobie-brown for writing the super lovely autistic Hiccup headcanon masterpost that inspired me to do this!

Disclaimer: I myself am not on the spectrum (part of the reason I’ve always felt a little weird about definitively HCing characters as autistic unless I see actual autistic people HC them that way too), so most of the stuff here is stuff I know secondhand from my autistic friends! I do have ADHD, so I can always promise that ADHD Anna will be 100% authentic XD

~Anna absolutely gets into Hiccup’s special interests to try and impress him. The most obvious one being, of course, dragons, but also dinosaurs (extinct dragons), lizards (tiny dragons), and Dungeons and Dragons (An RPG game that does, in fact, include dragons). Hiccup absolutely had that dragonology book as a kid and got obsessed with it beyond all reasonability. Hilariously, Anna’s wooing strategy of indulging his special interests works like a charm--mainly because a) he’s pretty flattered that someone takes THAT much of an interest in what he likes and b) half the time, ANNA finds that she genuinely gets into whatever said special interest is and finds them easy to hyperfixate on. It helps that the more she obsesses over it herself, the more she has to talk to Hiccup about XD

~Specifically, Anna definitely joins a DnD campaign at some point so that Hiccup will think she’s a “cool gamer girl”--and then gets unironically obsessed with it and starts writing 10-page backstories for all of her characters. She later tells Hiccup it started out as a ruse to win his heart via nerdiness, and he absolutely loses his shit laughing.

~One of their overlapping special interests/hyperfixations is high fantasy. Hiccup is, unsurprisingly, all about the mythical creatures while Anna is more into the magic and the zesty political drama, but you dun best believe they catch every CGI-ridden fantasy movie that ever comes out. They’ve both spent a literal fortune on fantasy movie tickets, even moreso on watching them in 3D or Imax. How embarrassing for both of them.

~Another less-obvious overlapping interest is history. Hiccup gets into it while looking into the cultural mythos of dragons (he’s pretty fascinated by the fact that so many cultures around the world thought up similar creatures independently), while Anna gets into it because she grew up cooped up bored and lonely in a big house, and entertained herself by looking into the history behind some of the family paintings. They don’t seem it at first, but they’re actually both huge medieval and ancient civilization history buffs.

~Hiccup is THE most touch-repulsed person you will ever meet. This is unfortunate, as he is also SUPER touch-starved and absolutely does not realize it (I mean, I’ve never gotten the vibe Stoic was the super huggy type, considering his and Hicc’s relationship in HTTYD 1). This means he has absolutely no fucking clue what to make of Anna when they first meet meet. Anna’s the sort of person to give physical affection pretty freely, especially if she likes you--usually in the form of hugs, arm pats or playful swats, putting her elbow on your shoulder, etc etc. Hiccup is kinda just like “this is way too much touching but like??? I kinda like having her this close to me??? What do???”

~Anna, meanwhile, notices that Hiccup kinda stiffens up whenever she touches him and seems to not be crazy about it and she’s just immediately like “yo what’s wrong???” And as SOON as he admits he’s not all that crazy about being touched randomly she’s like “OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY” and never touches him without asking again.

~As soon as she finds out touch a kind of A Whole Thing for him, Anna is like...AGGRESSIVELY respectful of Hiccup’s boundaries when it comes to physical affection. Almost annoyingly so. She gets in the habit of basically never initiating any kind of physical touch without asking first--even long after they’ve started dating, and he’s told her it’s okay to initiate touching as long as she’s not smothery about it. She still refuses out of principle.

~They come up with a kind of “consent language” so Anna can pretty quickly determine when it’s all right to touch Hiccup--because Anna still really likes being physically affectionate with him, and he does actually like receiving physical affection a lot of the time (because, again, touch-starved), he’s just choosy about who does it. They work out a system based off of small, light touches that Hiccup doesn’t mind where it’s basically 2 taps on his shoulder for “can I hug you around the neck,” 2 taps on his side for “can I hug you around the waist,” 2 taps on his arm for “can I grab/lightly slap/punch your arm,” and 1 tap on is shoulder for “can I put my arm/elbow on your shoulder.” If he’s cool with it he’ll either nod or just say “yeah go ahead.” It works a lot quicker than asking “can I do such-and-such specific touch” every single time, and allows Anna to keep some of her spontaneity. They develop this during their friendship and it ends up rolling over into their relationship, even after Hiccup has basically told her she doesn’t need to ask permission for a lot of these anymore. She adds a new one after they start dating--she taps him a couple times wherever she wants to kiss him to ask if it’s cool to give him a smooch! It usually is.

~INFODUMPING. Literally SO. MUCH. INFODUMPING. Hiccup absolutely WILL NOT SHUT UP when he gets to talking about one of his special interests. Anna just will not shut up in general, but when the topic changes to one of her hyperfixations, it’s even worse. If you try to have a conversation with these two while they’re infodumping, you WILL get talked over. Honestly, left to their own devices, they could probably infodump to each other for literal days on end.

~Despite how much they both like to infodump, they’re both pretty good about being patient and indulging the other when it’s their partner’s turn to infodump in the conversation XD They are, however, notorious about accidentally triggering a barely-related infodump in the other person. It’s not uncommon for one of them to finish a rant and then the other goes “OH THAT REMINDS ME” and sets off on a completely different, barely-related rant.

~Hiccup actually really appreciates how overexpressive--and occasionally overdramatic--Anna tends to be. He never has to try and figure out what she’s thinking because she just says everything in her brain, and her body language basically always matches how she’s feeling to a ridiculous extent, so he never has to give himself a headache trying to read her. The fact that she’s the opposite of subtle and has no filter whatsoever works great for him, because he doesn’t have to drive himself insane trying to understand her. He gets her better than he gets most people because she’s an open goddamn book. The boy’s never been the best with social cues at all, never mind the nuanced, obscure ones, so Anna’s general straightforwardness and utter inability to hide her true feelings at literally any time is a breath of fresh air. What you see is basically what you get, and Hiccup wouldn’t have it any other way.

~People think when Anna and Hiccup start dating it’s gonna be a disaster, mainly because he’s so blunt and she can be...”oversensitive” (i.e. has a REALLY bad case of RSD). Turns out they’re dead wrong--because Hiccup has RSD too! (I mean, come ON--look how BADLY he wants to get his village’s approval! And how hard he takes it when his dad or someone else is mad at him--even if he tries to hide it with snark) He’s actually one of the few people who can be blunt enough with Anna that she realizes when she’s being a dumbass but tactful enough not to hurt her feelings or set off her RSD--because god, has he been there. When Anna is being especially difficult and has worked herself into a real bad funk, Hiccup (and sometimes Elsa) is the only people who can talk to her and get through to her without getting blown up at.

~They stim in similar ways!!! They both tend to fidget or kinda bounce up in down in place as a way to comfort themselves and calm themselves down (I see them both having a lot of anxiety and generally being kind of paranoid, although Anna is MUCH better at hiding this via putting on a cheerful face). They both do the leg bounce!!! Also if they get SUPER excited they’ll do a little awkward happy dance!!! They both also tend to stim by rubbing things in small, repetitive motions--with Hiccup, it’s usually his sketching pens, his ear, his head, or the back of his neck, while with Anna, it’s usually her other hand, her arm, her clothes, or really anything with kind of a comforting, consistent texture (some favorites are rubber, felt, and velvet). After they start dating, they actually will stim with each other’s hands while holding hands--usually by squeezing the other person’s hand in kind of a repetitive pattern or doing the thumb-rub thing on the back of the other person’s hand. It’s not uncommon for them to each be doing something completely unrelated while holding hands and just stimming on each other’s hands the entire time. Anna especially really loves when she feels Hiccup stimming on her, because it’s her little indicator that he’s happy and feels at peace and content in her presence and she LOVES being able to do that for him!

~They both stim by playing with hair too! Anna likes to play with her own to stim--mainly by figeting with the end of her braids or tucking hair behind her ear. She DOES love to ruffle Hiccup’s hair too (and she LOVES how fluffy it is!), but it’s usually not a stim thing. After they start dating, Anna does occasionally stim by massaging Hiccup’s hair/scalp, but she doesn’t usually do it for very long. Hiccup really loves braiding Anna’s hair, or just playing with it when it’s down. it helps him relax and clear his mind to have something fairly repetitive and/or mindless to do.

~Even after gaining some confidence, Hiccup still has a fair bit of social anxiety, so he and Anna basically always go to parties and social events together and stick with each other the whole time to make it less intimidating for him. Hiccup generally prefers to let Anna do the talking when they chat with people, and sometimes if he’s REALLY nervous he’ll sometimes even let her kinda talk for him (not in a condescending “speaking over” kinda way, but more in like a “I can sense you’re not comfortable speaking here so I’ll help you out as best I can” kinda way). She always makes sure to leave space in the conversation for him to take over talking if he wants. She’s also incredibly prone to bragging about his accomplishments to basically everyone they know. Hiccup is both embarrassed and flattered by this.

~When Anna finds out about meltdowns (probably through Hiccup mentioning it kind of offhandedly--“Eh, sorry I went AWOL last night, I was having a bit of a meltdown. Don’t worry about it, I’m fine now.”) she lowkey gets super anxious and frustrated because she REALLY wants to help, but has no idea how. Cue literal HOURS of research on the internet and AGGRESSIVE memorizing of any and all tips that she reads that she thinks would help. Which, of course, means several MORE hours spent going over flashcards like she’s studying for a goddamn test, because Anna has never been known for her sharp, expansive memory.

~The first time Hiccup ever has a meltdown in front of her (maybe after a really bad phone fight with his dad or something? Just general sensory overload?), she takes him to a secluded room and IMMEDIATELY gets rid of anything that could be agitating sensory-wise. She dims the lights! She closes the blinds! She throws a nearby clock, an alarm, a timer, and several other objects with only the slightest potential of making an annoying noise out of a nearby window in a fit of passion! She goes on a frenzied quest to find Hiccup’s noise-cancelling headphones--and finishes it in record time! Even in a state of emotional turmoil, Hiccup realizes that Anna’s being just a little too methodical in how she goes about all this--these are the kind of things that wouldn’t ever occur naturally to her to do. So as soon as he calms down a bit and has screamed into a pillow for a while, he’s like “...did you go on the internet to look up how to help with meltdowns?” and Anna’s like “...yes?” And Hiccup is lowkey so touched he starts crying all over again...and then, naturally, makes a long string of snarky comments to try and distract from it XD

~For their anniversary Anna saves up a bunch and buys Hiccup a lizard and a terrarium!!! She gets him a crocodile skink because, I quote, “Well, they always look annoyed, they’re kinda shy, they don’t like to be touched, and they look like tiny dragons, so they reminded me of you!!!” Hiccup screams like a goddamn fangirl, he’s SO excited. As luck would have it, Hiccup’s crocodile skink is a lot less skittish and prone to hiding than they usually are, and he actually lets Hiccup pick him up and pet him without much issue. Which is honestly great, because repeatedly touching something smooth and even like lizard scales helps calm Hiccup down when he’s agitated and helps with some of his sensory issues.

~Probably goes without saying, but Hiccup basically NEVER genuinely gives Anna a hard time about her memory problems or how she’s not always the quickest on the uptake, and if anyone tries to call her annoying, dumb, or immature he will absolutely roast them into oblivion. He does sometimes like...lightly tease her about jumping into things without thinking or never shutting up, but he never pushes it if he can tell she’s genuinely bothered by it (and, again, Anna is very easy to read, so it’s not hard to tell XD)

~I’ve seen other people in the fandom HC either Hiccup, Anna, or both of them as BOTH autistic and ADHD, and honestly...fuck yes!!! I’m down for this too! I love the idea of these two disaster ND kids just vibing with each other on so many damn levels that it’s like...incomprehensible to the average human XD Like man, they fuckin GET each other!!! I’m pretty happy with most combinations of ADHD + Autistic headcanons for Anna and Hiccup, so long as they end up vibing!!!

~THEY JUST. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. SO MUCH. THEY LITERALLY WOULD DIE FOR EACH OTHER. I AM SURE OF IT. I’M CRYING. 

[shameless-selfship-indulgence]

Girl Help Part 2

I wrote this in a fucking frenzy

there’s no, like, content worth warning about in this one though

"calais," said Marvus. "cuh-LIE-is. soundz like a troll name."

"A troll name?" asked Calais.

"fo sho babe," said Marvus. "six n six. marvus xoloto. trizza tethis. all part o da fxxked up hellawhack shiznack dat dictates r planets whole history n shit. twelves all over da dam place."

"Is that what you are?" asked Calais. "A...troll?"

Marvus blinked at her, a slow, lizard-like blink. He gave a low whistle. "dam we gotta start w da basics here."

The planet was called Alternia, the species was called trolls. The entire society revolved around a rigid caste system based on blood color, which divided trolls into twelve distinct subtypes with different physical traits. Red was at the bottom, Fuchsia at the top.

"its all bullshit tho," he added at the end. There was a flash of something in his eyes.

"What was that thing you were doing?" asked Calais. "Earlier. To me."

Did Marvus stiffen ever so slightly? Was that a flare in his nostrils? His eyes flicked up and down Calais with lightning speed before he leaned back with affected nonchalance.

"chucklevoodoos," he said. There was something guarded in his voice.

Calais blinked at him for a second, hoping that the jumble of noise he had just poured at them would sort itself out. No luck.

"Chuck-a-what?"

"chuck-el-voo-doos," said Marvus again. "purpleblood shit. wuz doin it 2 every1, not jus u."

"You mean like...mind control?" Calais guessed.

Marvus frowned. "controlz a strong word 4 it, my dude. its more like vibez."

Calais suddenly understood something.

Should she say it? She usually liked to have her cards on the table. She did it as often as she could, in the hopes that the other person would do the same. She got the feeling this man wouldn't, though.

But then again, he already had all the power in this situation. The only hope that she had was to try to build some sort of relationship with him, and she liked it when those were built on trust. Besides, she liked being honest better. Easier to remember her answers.

But still, a voice in the back of her head screamed at her to think it through a bit more, even as she opened her mouth and blurted out-

"You don't like that you can't control me."

Marvus looked slightly taken aback. He narrowed his eyes a bit. "no, I don't," he said slowly. Candidly. His hand started to edge towards his cane.

Oh shit, he thought she was trying to flex on him. Calais started to fumble, multiple different de-escalators and disclaimers colliding on the way out of her mouth and throwing random sounds everywhere.

Eventually she managed to concentrate enough to form real words.

"I-I mean you CAN," said Calais. "You CAN control me. I just hate it. I hate it enough that I can tell that it's happening."

Marvus paused. Calais continued, trying to explain everything in a rush.

"Not that it feels bad. It feels good. That's what I hate about it. I can tell in my head that it's not how I'd normally feel. I know that normally I'd be...repulsed. Normally I'd have a sense of...boundaries. And what's gross and what's not. And whatever the chuckle thing does, it doesn't stop me from being scared. I'm always scared of that."

"scared of wat?" Marvus asked. His teeth glinted in a smirk. "gettin ur pail on?"

"My what?"

"dam. dunno wat pailing is? gettin freaky, babe. all concupiscent n shit."

"Oh. I mean. Yeah? I'm kind of scared of it...I mean." Calais stress stimmed a little. "It's more that I'm scared of not being in control? Like, did you know that being horny actively lowers your disgust response? Even without the voodoos or whatever. Literally, the only reason that we can enjoy reproducing is because we no longer have an accurate sense of what's gross and what isn't. That's what I don't like. The idea that I could be in a situation where I'm doing all these, just. Objectively disgusting things? And LIKING it? And not being able to tell that it's nasty? Or even being able to tell and not caring. I hate it. I hate it so much. It scares me. And I definitely don't want to be like that around another person."

"huh," said Marvus. "never met any1 else like dat."

Calais shrugged. "Maybe because they don't come to whatever it was you were doing."

"nah," said Marvus. "I seen ppl roll up who didn't want 2 b there. they come around in the end." He tilted his head at them. "prolly cause ur an alien," he said, seeming to decide it as he said it. "pailing n murder r pretty normal mental states 4 us. disinhibition doesn't bother ppl."

He looked a little more relaxed now for having come to this conclusion. Calais figured that was a good thing.

"so wat r u?" he asked.

"Oh! Um. We call ourselves humans," said Calais. "Uh, we all have the same blood color, so that's not a thing...and I'm pretty sure nobody has any psychic powers, either."

"dam. wat do u do then?"

"Uh..." Calais puffed air through her cheeks. "I dunno. I'm not sure what to tell you. Whatever it is would be completely normal for me, so..."

"wat color's ur blood?"

"Um, red?" said Calais.

Marvus winced, but he was smiling. "ooh. dats gonna b rough."

"Yeah, I was gonna say..." Calais curled into herself a little, then remembered her ribs and winced, stopping up short.

"how'd u get here?" asked Marvus.

"I...have no idea," said Calais. She blinked. "I don't know. I don't know at all. I was suddenly just. Here."

"where were u b4?"

Calais looked around, as if the answer were written somewhere in the room. "I...I don't know!" she exclaimed. "I mean, I must have been somewhere, but I don't...I can't..." she started to wring her hands.

"woah, woah, babe, calm down," said Marvus, lifting his hands in a placating gesture. "it's all gonna b ok."

Calais shied away from him instinctively. He was awfully close. But she realized that the fact that this bothered her was a good thing.

"What did you see?" she asked.

Marvus shrugged. "u weren't there. then u were."

Calais wondered briefly if he was telling the truth. But even if he weren't, there was no way they would be able to tell. They would have to take him at his word.

"That's...not very helpful," they said absently.

Marvus laughed. "guess not. dam."

"I don't know what I was doing before I came here, I don't know how I got here, and I don't know how to get back." Calais thought for a bit, chewing her lip. "M-maybe someone at the concert saw? Someone in the mosh pit?"

"m tellin u babe, there was nuthin 2 c," said Marvus.

"Can we...check?" Calais asked carefully, looking warily at her clown host.

Marvus smiled, a somewhat easygoing smile that was nevertheless a little too toothy. "my concerts r wild, my dude," he said. "they was deffs all distracted. n they're all prolly all hells 2 the indisposed atm."

Calais dimly remembered the general reaction - or lack of reaction - to their appearance and realized that this was probably true.

Calais looked at Marvus, running calculations in her head. She was starting to realize how this was going to go, although she didn't want to believe it. Didn't want to need him. But she needed somebody, and...

"u don't have anywhere 2 go, do u," said Marvus. It wasn't really a question.

Calais flinched. "Yes," they said.

Marvus drummed his fingertips against the table he was leaning on. They clicked on the wood. Calais realized that his fingernails were claws and swallowed hard.

. "tell u wat, babe," said Marvus. "m on the homeward part of my tour atm. y don't u come w me n we'll see if we can figure out how 2 get u home."

Calais closed their eyes and took a deep breath. Don't think about the creepy clown, don't think about how you feel, just consider him, consider yourself, consider the situation, there's no need to be scared if you just figure out what's going on and why you're afraid...

Blessedly, Marvus let her sit there in shut-eyed silence until she was able to put her thoughts together and turn to him.

Direct communication. It was something that she liked.

"You want to keep me near you," she said. "You don't know what to make of me, and you want me in...in, like, your hand."

"well yh," said Marvus. "dats all true. but dat doesn't mean it can't b mutually beneficial, ufeelme? yeah ur an alien n u might b useful n shit but dat doesn't mean I can't help u 2. u do need somewhere to stay right? alternia is vy dangerous. 'specially 4 mutants n aliens. 'specially 4 mutants n aliens w red blood."

"I do need your help," said Calais. "I just..." pain and trauma emboldened her; fear wasn't enough to keep her quiet. "I just don't want you to pretend your motives aren't selfish. I don't want you to pretend anything. It's okay that you want to use me...I mean, it's not okay, but I don't exactly have a choice and I probably can't fight you so at the very least I want to know that that's what's happening, get it?"

She picked at flecks of teal under her fingernails and realized for the first time that it was blood. Their stomach lurched and they froze, setting their hand back down. "I'll probably be more cooperative than you think," she said quietly. "As long as I know what I'm getting into. I mean. When you manipulate someone, you want to make them feel at ease, right? Like they can trust you? So they'll do what you want? Well, I'll feel way more at ease if I think I can trust you. If I know you're telling the truth. Even if it's bad. So just...don't try to sell me anything. Do you understand?"

She glanced up at Marvus. He was shaking his head slowly. "ur a rlly weird alien," he said. "sure. if dats wat u want."

"Do you promise?" asked Calais.

Marvus nodded. "fo sho, babe. promise. but m not tryna use u. not yet @ least. ur a wild card. jus wanna keep an eye on u 4 now."

"Right," said Calais.

"so it's a deal, then?" asked Marvus with a smirk. He held out his hand.

Calais looked at his hand, then back up to his face. Hesitated. Then reached out and took his hand.

Marvus' grip was strong, and his hand seemed to swallow up her own. Calais strengthened her grip, but she got the feeling that no matter how tight she squeezed, it  wouldn't impress him.

He grinned at her and gave her hand a quick up and down shake. She seriously doubted that he was trying to make a show of strength, but it still felt as though he could wrench her shoulder from its socket, just by shaking her hand.

"alrite then. it's a deal," he said.

Calais pulled their arm back against her chest. A deal.

This creature was, evidently, not Satan. Just an alien with horns and freaky mind powers. But that didn't keep the phrase "deal with the devil" from reverberating wryly through her mind.

[dollarstoreartsupplies]

Ben Hanscom Fucking HAS ADHD AND YOU CANNOT CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE

Okay, okay, okay let’s start with like canon indicators because there absolutely are some and I’m not crazy:

- He doesn’t make friends until a bunch of kids literally Save! His! Life! Like holy shit thats such an ADHD mood, dear lord!! He CANNOT make friends, friends have to hand pick him and even then he REALLY does not know what to do!! Like the losers literally have to save his life and be like ‘we’re buddies now’ for him to figure it out.

- And like he doesn’t seem to have any friends from where he moved from, and I know it’s Harder to maintain friendships in the 80’s but he never Tries to call anyone or write to them or even mention them so he A. Either just emotionally could not put in the effort or B. Had None and either are ADHD vibes

- Hyper fixates on books! Special interest in specific history things! Special interest in building!! You KNOW he hyper fixated on building the clubhouse for like a MONTH and fully finished this project that should have taken like half a year because he was like ✨gotta build✨

- People with ADHD get addicted to things easier AND tend to fall back on things like alcohol and drugs as a coping mechanism,,,, like I hate to say it but it’s True,,, I’m sorry Ben 😔✌️

- Immediately Bonded To The First Person Who Was Nice To Him

- Him and Richie have really similar like Post Derry Shit Lives,,,, this simply is not a coincidence,,, fight me,,, he NEEDS positive affirmations and People and Pennywise magic was like ‘nope :)’

- I Want Him To Be ADHD

AND NOW MY 🥰HEADCANONS🥰 because I want to:

- His mom felt like it was her fault and cried every time he got in trouble for Very Obviously ADHD Symptoms when he was little because she thought she was ‘failing as a parent’ so as a guilt response Ben is Upsettingly Good At Masking

- Like he’s Really Good at school and being quiet and non disruptive to the point that people forget he’s there but also internally he’s low key losing it and his knee is bouncing so hard he’s going to break the chair

- He’s really good when he’s having sensory overload at hiding it until he’s in private,,,, like in his bedroom, door locked, completely home alone, and then he just FULLY breaks down and it’s like always 200 times worse than it would have been had he like been able to deal with it when the problem first started

- BECAUSE he’s so good at masking and is generally a Left Brain kind of lad so he doesn’t really come across as ‘stereotypically ADHD’ the chances that he’s ever Actually Diagnosed are ✨slim✨ (and fem!Ben??? Ohohoho I’m so sorry my love but with how hard it already is for doctors to believe MOST OBVIOUS ADHD girls??? She is NEVER getting a diagnosis)

- Honestly the Losers don’t even know about it for a WHILE, not because he’s worried about telling them or anything but just because like?? He doesn’t really understand it enough himself to feel like he’s ALLOWED to talk about it/he’s just so fucking good at masking and swallowing all his tendencies back until he’s in private that the Losers can really just write off his info dumping and like lowkey stimming as just Normal Ben Quirks

- He probably has a Full sensory overload meltdown in front of them at some point though, and he’s trying as hard as he can to like bottle it up and hide it cuz he’s embarrassed but LUCKILY it’s just with the other Losers, and Richie (and honestly Stan who helps Richie a lot when it happens to HIM) can be like ‘Oh. Oh shit. Okay okay okay, I know what this is and I can help with this.’ And then they all are AWARE and can HELP HIM and he doesn’t need to HIDE IT AROUND THEM 🥰

- He only like Big Stims, like flapping and bouncing and all those really noticeable things, alone in his room and not often, sometimes when he’s really excited but it’s generally just not his vibe? But he bounces his leg a lot and does repetitive little hand motions when he’s talking AND from personal experience he probably chew stims a lot which translates to snacking when he’s under stimulated which translates to ✨weight gain✨

- I know I’ve mentioned sensory overload a lot but this lad for SURE has a lot of problems with certain textures,,, make this boy touch the scratchy back of a sponge???? Or eat some mashed potatoes???? He’s going to Be! Upset!

- He has a REALLY hard time reading sarcasm

- RSD kicks his ass Constantly and With Force like he NEEDS people to like him and the second he thinks that he let someone down he’s SO DEVASTATED that he’s going to CRY which is part of why his mom guilt tripping him to overeat works so well

- Honestly? He probably DOESNT struggle too much with Emotional Dysregulation,,, as a kid,,,, but then I mean,,,, when he loses his memories and leaves derry and is alone??? Oh BOY IS HE UNSTABLE LIKE NOT ONLY IS HIS BRAIN HARD WIRED WITH A PREDISPOSITION TO NOT HAVE GREAT EMOTIONAL REGULATION BUT NOW HES GETTING SUPER UPSET ABOUT MEMORIES HE CANT EVEN REMEMBER AND HE REALLY HAS NO SUPPORT SYSTEM THAT UNDERSTANDS HIM (Honestly??? He Forgot too so he doesn’t even understand Himself)

- Honestly kind of a dummy but people think he’s smart cuz he has lots of facts memorized (that’s sort of a lie,,, he is very Book Smart but he is ready and willing go along with Any Plan he should not be trusted to be the voice of reason, a smarty pants with Two (2) brain cells to rub together)

- I! Want! Him! To! Be! ADHD!

[theworldsoul]

Okay so basically... lets talk.

I should've seen this coming. I should've known that after such a long period of happiness, something would give.

I went to pick up my glasses from the dinner table today, because that's where I left them. When I put them on... they wouldnt stay on. I checked and they were missing the two plastic parts that hold the glasses up and still on my nose.

I check the table for them, and I dont find them. Then I ask, like hey, did any of yall touch my glasses? Both the plastic things are missing. My dad IMMEDIATELY assumes that I took them off ON PURPOSE. For some reason. And I tell him no, i didnt touch them, all I remember is picking them up from the table and seeing the plastic bits missing.

Then I spend like an hour telling them no, I didnt break my own glasses, I FOUND them that way. And my dad is like mocking me, going "u always say 'I didnt do it!!!' Like you never do anything huh? I guess you're just perfect." And I'm like... BUT I ACTUALY DIDNT DO IT!!!!???!? and hes like "you never take responsibility for anything, blah blah, you're so fucking stupid, you act like a four year old, stop fucking crying, how dare you ask us if we know what happened, why are you trying to blame us, you obviously did it on purpose and now you're acting all surprised.." and I'm just sitting there. Taking it. Thinking to myself... wow. They automatically assumed the worst in me. And THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENS OFTEN!!! I get blamed for shit I didnt do all the fuckign time.

So I'm just. Crying. Because theres a certain amount of verbal abuse i can take and it's not very much. I'm being interrogated. And its distressing, because I cant PROVE that I didnt do it on.purpose, because i GENUINELY DONT REMEBER WHAT HAPPENED!!! so they just get to assume that i broke my own glasses.

Why would my dad jump to that conclusion so quickly? Simple answer: he literally hates me. He holds back, I know, but hes done this before and he'll do it again, hes shown and said what he REALLY THINKS and he'll say it again and do it again and again and again because his mask is slipping. I dont know what I did to make him hate me but he does. That's just how it is. I can't change that. Man, my parents behave like children.

Anwyays so I'm just very upset, in distress, crying really hard, trying not to say too much so I dont make them angrier but also always telling the truth, which is that I DIDN'T DO IT AND I DONT REMEBER ANYTHING HAPPENEING TO THE GLASSES!!

He asks me, who did it then? I say I dont know but it wasnt me. He said who then, if not you. I said I dont know. He didnt believe me!!!

I hate when I tell the truth and people dont believe it. Like... this is the truth. I have nothing more to offer you. Take what little I give, cos it's my fucking blood.

Anyways in the meantime my mom is checking, looking for the plastic bits. She finds them in my coat pocket.

I am proven innocent. At what cost? Well, now I'm shaking, curled up into a ball, crying, and in actual pain. My brain cant handle so much pain so it transfers it to physical pain. So there I am. A fucking kid. Who's been punished for somehting he didn't do. And theres the proof.

My dad fixed the glasses. Left me there on the couch, still trembling. Gave them to me in a case. Said I gotta be careful. I said thank you. Because, even if I'm upset, I gotta make sure other people dont get upset. He said sorry, but he said it in this huffy way that made it sound reluctant. Then he was like, I said sorry so stop crying.

He wanted a kiss on the cheek and I was gonna give him one because I dont want to seem like a dickhead, he DID apologize... and if you dont accept my dads apologies and move on and pretend that the word "sorry" fixes everything, he gets even more angry and i REALLY dont want to deal with him guilt ripping me over it. So I lean in for a little kiss and... I cant. I cant do it. My face crinkles up all ugly and I start crying hysterically every time I get close. I try a few times but I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of like... oh god. I felt so hurt. Like a scared little rabbit. Oh shit, I was fucking scared. I couldnt do it. It made me feel disgusted.

I said, later I'll do it.

I dont know why he thinks he can hurt me so bad and make me cry, then give some shitty apology and expect me to change my mood entirely and go back to being all happy. That's not how it works. If you hurt someone, they stay hurt. Your shitty little word, "sorry", doesnt make me feel any better and doesnt fix any of the damage.... but I have to pretend like it does because if I dont you get mad, and you say I'm mean for not accepting the apology,,,

Later on, he did come for a kiss again. I was in my room, pretending to be busy so he would ignore me but he didnt. This time, I didnt kiss him but I allowed him to kiss me. I just... I couldnt kiss him. I was holding back tears, and i knew if i tried to kiss him i would start crying all over again and make him upset or angry. So I just sorta... let him kiss me on my forehead. Then I went to the bathroom fast as I could, acting like I had to brush my teeth.

I locked the door, sank to my knees, and cried. Hard.

I just wish that I had a dad who loved me, or who knew how to love me... or who I knew loved me, a dad who knew what he was doing, so I didnt have to debate if he loved me or not in my head.

God. I feel so small. Like I literally feel like a little kid right now. Fucking hell. Looks like tonight I'll be indulging in my delusions, playing pretend.

It's sad that my parents fuck me up, but its sadder that afterwards I dont have anyone to comfort me and help heal me.... only myself and whoever I bring to life in my imagination.

Sometimes when I get overly upset, when I'm pushed to the edge like this, I begin to feel... a lot younger? Like shockingly younger. I'm not even the same dude anymore, I'm a fucking five year old all of a sudden. Which makes the situation even more scary and painful.

Just imagine like, a hurt scared little kid with no one to help him. He's tryna pick himself off the ground and hes telling himself "shhhhh... it'll be okay" that's me. That's literally me and it makes me feel so fucking BAD but its true.

I've been breaking down. Earlier in the day I had trouble on a quiz because I didn't know the definition of a word in a poem and I couldnt answer the question (does character A like character B?) And when I asked they said they couldnt tell me which was bullshit but whatever. Uhm so I got upset. Like, scarily upset. I gave up, wrote that i didnt want to do the question on the paper, guessed at half the answers, crumpled it up and threw it to the ground. Then I just... spaced out for the rest of class because I was STILL upset and fuck them.

At one point I left to go cry in the bathroom, but when i went in there, all the stalls were taken and there was a huge group of guys in there, like maybe ten people in there total, so I ran back out and was like fuck now what. Now I wait. I waited and nobody came out. I double checked and they were sitll there and I ran out again. I dashed to another bathroom down the hall hoping it was empty. I was blasting metal in my ears to try and drown out the FEELINGS, I hate feeling things. Got into a stall, slammed the door, started CRYING, sobbing, talking to myself, all of this with metal music blaring out of my headphones. I composed myself. When I went out of the stall I checked my eyeliner and it was... well, you could TELL I cried. I didnt bother with it tho, i just ran out of there.

Ugh and when I got back I kept doing the stim that usually evolves into literally hitting myself, so that was. Bad. At least this time I refrained from beating the shit outta my own left arm.

God.. I hope everyone who hurts me, everyone who ever fucking hurt me, feels GUILTY as all hell. I hope whatever being made me FEEL all these emotions so hard so strong so fast, ROTS. because nobody deserves to feel so intensely upset that they resort to the worst ways of coping. No one.

I'm just glad I didnt relapse. That's a positive.

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

ok well i originally drafted this while thinking about this post, but it’s relevant to what i wanted to say about (my tags on) this one too so i’ll just post it now, how ‘bout that.

i mean, Getting Used to It (and thus expanding your definition of “i’m fine”) isn’t always as dramatic as your brain completely turning off its pain response to an event, so that you don’t realize you’ve injured yourself until some other clue tips you off. that’s certainly happened to me? (and w/ smaller injuries it happens to healthy people too, as when you cut yourself on paper without noticing, and it doesn’t start to hurt until you see it bleed.) but the more everyday/pedestrian forms of this phenomenon are, like. that the level of pain i rated as an 8 in 2016 now reads to me as, like, 5. and that when you’re depressed (or at least when i am), pain goes up but interest in that pain goes down, because of depression’s tendency to normalize negative stimuli.

i think these are two manifestations of the same thing: your brain removes fear from the equation, and since fear makes pain more intense, most pain experienced in fear’s absence seems like no big deal. and that goes double for painful stimuli you once associated with fear but no longer do? in a sorta feedback-loopy way. or at least it does for me. less fear-->less pain-->even less fear the next time something similar happens.

if i sit in nearly any given position too long, one or more of the joints in my legs will sometimes... well, i think subluxate is technically the right word?* but it’s not like a sudden pop: it’s like, as the muscles around them relax my joints slowly slide out of place. as you can imagine (given the low bar required to achieve it), this happens A Lot; i don’t keep track, but probably once a day on average? i know it’s not every day, but also that some days it happens many times, and that both these latter and the days when it doesn’t happen at all often strike me as a change from the norm. so, yeah, probably a mean of once per day. but until sometime in 2019, it used to freak me out—a lot—every time.

it’s often one of those above-mentioned doesn’t hurt until you notice for other reasons scenarios, too, like the paper cut. so i’d be like innocently sitting there, then look down or attempt to adjust position and suddenly OH GOD MY LEG(S). and every time it happened i’d think, “oh god, is this the time i really and truly get stuck and have to be scooped out of this position on a stretcher. fuck, please, no, that would be so humiliating, there’s no way the paramedics would believe me, strangers must not see me like this,” &c., and the more determined i got to prove to myself that i could move, that i wasn’t stuck, that i could get myself out of this, the more horrifically painful these attempts became—partly because fear of pain leads to greater pain, and partly because when you’re panicky you don’t tend to move with much patience or care.

but, of course, every time i would eventually get out of it. it’s hard to say how long it took, because, again, i never timed it, and also because time does weird shit when you’re freaking out. (plus i have adhd, so my estimates of how long things take aren’t the greatest to begin with.) i want to say though that the longest i ever took unpretzeling myself in this way was an hour and a half—and i usually took way less time than that. (it’s hard also to estimate because these days exceeding ten minutes marks an especially long battle of this kind.) iirc, the ~90-minute incident was like, my right hip already felt not quite right, and someone on the internet recommended W-sitting as a way to reduce a subluxed hip, and i tried it because i either didn’t know at that time or had forgotten that when i W-sit for more than a few seconds i often misplace several toes, up to two joints per knee, maybe an ankle, and/or at least one hip. some of these will reduce themselves automatically as soon as i move; others i can only move passively until after i’ve reduced them. so like, that endeavor was a fucking jigsaw puzzle, and good luck figuring those out when a. every wrong move doubles the pain and panic you’re in, but b. leaving the puzzle unfinished is also agonizing. most of the time it was not that bad.

…what was my point? oh yeah: this sat-wrong-now-my-leg’s-stuck business still happens a lot, and it’s n o t like sitting on a pen, where your brain eventually gives up on signaling your discomfort.** nor like when you’re running on adrenaline and your brain doesn’t bother to tell you you’re hungry. nor like what tumblr user bibliosphere described, where her brain evidently just… prioritized other tasks over the “hey please fix this leg” alarm that pain would have signified. but incidents like this do, literally, hurt less the tenth time they happen than they do the first time, and it’s not because your body Toughens Up or whatever either (that only works w/ exercise-related muscle pain); it’s because your brain learns that this event does not pose imminent danger. a subluxation you know how to reduce will hurt less than one you don’t.

that’s what the “i’m always subluxing” version of the hulk meme means. most chronically ill people describe this whole phenomenon as more like the argument from “shot in the knee theory.” as like, you stop screaming because you learn screaming doesn’t help. and i mean… yeah? but ime it’s more that you stop screaming*** when you learn what does help. the OP in that post asks rhetorically,

Are you going to scream and cry the entire time, or are you going to come to grips with reality and accept the fact that freaking out isn’t going to make the ambulance come any faster?

and jesus christ, OP, are you kidding? in real life? definitely the first one! if you literally got shot in the knee, you wouldn’t just scream because it hurt—you would scream also because holy shit, am i gonna die of blood loss? why did they shoot me? are they going to shoot me again??? and pain you’ve had for years, or an injury you’ve sustained many times before, is nothing like that. if it scares you at all, the content of your fear is more like, oh, crap. what’s this gonna feel like tomorrow. will i have to cancel my plans again?

*n.b. i’ve never had this confirmed by a doctor. i just assume that’s what’s happening because 1. the sensations’ non-pain components are very similar to what the subluxations i have had confirmed feel like; 2. if it’s a joint i can see from my position (e.g., the ankle pressed against the floor when criss-cross-applesauced), it usually looks a little fucked up; and 3. it behaves quite differently from regular stiffness, joints in this scenario feeling not so much too tight to move properly as like i keep aiming for and missing the lever that moves them. (and each failed attempt HURTS like my soft tissues are pumpkin guts and my bones are knives trying to scoop them out.)

**i’ve never actually tried this experiment, though, and i’ve heard it doesn’t work on some autistic people. hopefully this goes without saying lmao but my sensory perceptions are Weird in General, so, any hypotheses i build upon them should be salted liberally

***well, whimpering, anyway. for me at least, if i literally scream at an injury it’s not from the pain, it’s from the surprise. i’m more likely to scream when i stub my toe than when i try to bite and my jaw crunches sideways, because the latter is a possibility i sign up for every time i put food in my mouth, whereas like. ob…viously you wouldn’t have stubbed your toe if you’d already known the object you accidentally kicked was there. (except i guess in movies when people kick objects to express rage, forgetting that this will hurt them. in that case i suppose they scream partly from surprise and partly because negative stimuli encountered in “fight” mode reinforce preexisting anger. wow i digress lmao sorry.) but reactions like whimpering, clenching your teeth, &c. only partly come from surprise; they’re also stims, i think, tho clearly not ones unique to ND people. the woman who pierced my ears when i was a kid told me to focus on tapping first one foot and then the other, so i wouldn’t shrink away. i think it’s kinda like that: it releases nervous energy, gives you a competing stimulus to focus on.

[crying-saeyoung]

Hey there! Is it okay if I request the RFA + Saeran reacting to a autistic MC who gets sensory overload from being in public places, like stadiums or musicals? I love your head canons so much, especially the one with Saeran and Saeyoung being autistic. Love you and your blog!! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

if anyone wants to request some more saeyoung and saeran autistic requests, feel free cause I’m totally for getting deep into that (the last headcanon it really was just barely touched)! For this imagine, Saeyoung isn’t autistic because of the given situation I wrote, but Saeran is! None of the other members are autistic, either, just Saeran in this specific headcanon. -Green

Yoosung:

-oh b o y

-you guys don’t go out that often, but there was one movie you went to go see at the theater, Ghost in the Shell (i went to see this movie recently and I strongly recommend that if you’re autistic to be wary of this film)

-right away wam bam no thank you mam . there was a bunch of heavy flashes, and you just couldn’t take it. not really sensory overload but stick with me

-you had to excuse yourself from the theater room and get yourself something to drink and close your eyes, take a few deep breathes because the flashes just kept repeating in your head and it really really hurt your eyes and gave you the worst headache

-thankfully Yoosung figured it out pretty quick that the lights were too much for you and came to your side  

-he was actually kind of mad because he asked the ticket seller if it had too many flashing lights and he said no, but here you were in pain

-so he chewed the guy out and demanded for a refund and tickets to a new movie

-he apologized to you a lot, but by the time the Trolls title came down all you could do was laugh and kiss him

Saeyoung:

-a aa

-it really sucked because it happened in your own god damn home

-Saeyoung, while ignoring you hahaha, had music literally blasting all through the apartment, enough to have it shake

-he thought he plugged in his headphones and actually didn’t realize they were unplugged so he was acting like everything was normal

-unknown to him wow, you were sobbing on the floor and rocking yourself back and forth because you couldn’t even speak enough to tell Saeyoung to stop the music!! ! wow!!!

-the pressure of the loud music and the floors shaking made you feel like you were being torn apart and you just wanted to run out of the house but you felt like you couldn’t move

-the only reason he heard you sobbing was because his headphones were UNPLUGGED!!! W O W !

-saeyoung oh my GO D

-he takes off his headphones in worry like “wow why are you crying???” but then he understands when he. fuck i ng  takes off his headphones.

- WO WOWW!!!! AmaZING how that works…

- “OH SHIT I’M SO SORRY”

-apologies don’t stop coming out of his mouth as he quickly turns off the music

-he has no idea what to doooo

-he tries to distract you???

-tells you a bunch of depressing jokes and gets some stuffed animals and starts to start a little skit with them

-it does manage to calm you down, but now you’re laughing and sobbing

-then you just sob and stop looking at him at all 

-because the situation your in is depressing and you hate it. you hate it so much, and so does he.

-so for now, he holds you. and he wants to promise he’ll never let you go, but right now, he can’t.

-you two sob together and there’s really no happy ending here.

-wow

Jumin:

-you got a sensory overload when you were on vacation with Jumin

-Jumin had left your side at one of the parties you two were at, and it was really for a just a few minutes

-but when he left that’s when the band decided to come out and just blast music and shine neon lights from every corner in the damn room 

-you didn’t have Jumin by your side to help you or distract you, so you had nothing else to do but look for somewhere to hide

-you were shaking and crying as you decided to hide under a dinner table and rock yourself while just trying to block out the noise and hide in your legs from the flashing lights 

-you didn’t even notice how loud you yourself were being because you were so focused on trying to get all the noise ou t

-the reason Jumin found you so fast was because he heard your yelling and sobbing 

-he didn’t even think of trying to get you out from under the table. instead he crawls under and joins you, shoving you into his chest, holding you so tight and rubbing your back and hair until you calm down 

-he lets you shake and blubber around all you need, and he gets your chewlery out from your personal pocket in Jumins coat aww you fill it with all your small toys for situations like this, he always has it on him isn’t that cuute

-after you calm down a bit, he refuses to leave under the table until his guards shove the band off the stage and make the lights mellow and soft for you again 

-and he will glare at literally everyone around the table who didn’t help you and threaten to sue them 

-jumin my love no plz no  

Jaehee:

- :(

-it happens in the coffee shop

-it was just a really really busy day for you two and was really just too much for only two baristas

-Jaehee enjoys it because she thinks that the place is becoming more popular! 

-you would like to enjoy it , ,, because you are happy you two are getting popular !

-but serving the dishes and getting around all the people and all their talking is proving to be way too much for you

-what happened to the comfortable, homey atmosphere? the regulars and a few strangers sprinkled here and there?

-now there were strangers everywhere 

-you were barely able to sit the last plate down before you rushed out of the shop, running right by a regular who you knew rather well

-you actually ran a lot farther then you were intending to,, you ran all the way to the public park 

-which was a lot less public today. it was quiet and calm and let you just breathe 

-you had no idea how long you were out there, just sitting all by yourself and holding yourself before you heard a familiar little pit pat of heels 

-next thing you knew you were surrounded by a hug from Jaehee who was sobbing 

- “Babe?? omg?? are u okay?!!” 

-she was so wo r r i e d and she felt so BAD,,, 

-Jaehee actually closed the store just so she could find you after the regular told her you ran out 

-aww BABE,, you felt so bad but so special??? you knew how much those customers meant for the expansion your company 

-she reassured you that now she would open up hiring so you can relax during the busy days and never have this happen again

-and the rest of the afternoon is spent cuddling on the park bench

Zen:

-lets face it, it ain’t that hard to get a sensory overload with this guy,,,

-the crowds surrounding you because of his popularity…

-the flashes of cameras from those crowds…

-the musicals…

-to be fair, since dating you Zen has acted more mellow and less intense or light savvy musicals. He always asks the director what he plans for sounds and effects before participating in a play

-bc?? what is the point?? of acting in a musical his darling cannot watch?

-there is no point

-but the one time he doesn’t ask because he was just so excited about the role… hhhh 

-it was a live performance, so there was a lot of people there. Though you always got the special seat away from everyone else and practically just the best seat in the theater because you deserve only the best

-there’s a very dramatic part right before the intermission where Zen and another character fall to the ground, seemingly dying or smth 

-but the lights are very BAM BAM BAM!!! the white lights in the dark theater flashing so fast, people who weren’t autistic would get a headache 

-and the music… it was all made to be dramatic so there was such a heavy BOOM in it all that you could feel thunder in your chest and pulse inside you 

-Zen is actually thinking of you the whole time this is happening because you’re the closest to the stage, you would get the worst of this and oh my g o d he’s never ran so fast 

-as soon as the intermission is announced he actually jumps off the stage and runs to you to make sure you are okay 

-you’re shaking quite a bit, and once he comes near you, you push and shove at him to get away because you’re freaked out from the sudden hit of everything

-god, it feels like you can’t even see. it was such a horrible experience you can’t even cry or yell, you just need to move and run and get out

-Zen does calm you down, eventually. the intermission is a little longer than planned because Zen’s whole break was spent holding you and calming you down

-he gets pretty mad at the director for not telling him about this, or warning the audience, because that was seizure worthy. 

-when the two of you get home, expect lots of kisses and stims to be played with!!

Saeran:

-awww dang guys 

-he wanted to bring you to one of his favorite parks as a lil cute date, but it was occupied by a huge farmers market. 

-you’re already flapping your hands dude but you try to keep it at a minimum for your babe

-little do you know he’s EXACTLY the same omg you nerds

-why are you even GOING IN THE MARKET it’s such a bad idea but you two just want to have a good ti mee,,, is that too much to ask 

-i cry

-you guys are experiencing it in different ways. Saeran surprisingly isn’t having that rough of a time because he has you as a distraction from all the people and noise. 

-but u ain’t. you are crumbling apart and you’re only still on your feet because of your grip on your boyfriends hand 

-EVENTUALLY he asks “hey, how are you doing?” and you’re just kinda like “you know, not that?/? great???”

-first he thinks that it’s because of him and his heart almost BREAKS but then,,, he sees you flapping your only free hand and Saeran is just like OH BABE NO

-legit picks you up and runs out of the market 

-only stops when you tell him that OMG that’s far enough Saeran !! Aaa!?? where ARE WE,?? 

-Saeran really doesn’t care because he loves you so much and just holds your hands because he’s too scared to hug you or kiss you 

-the two of you get really quiet after that and eventually you two spend the whole day laying down in the sun in the middle of nowhere in the city , just staring at each other and giving each other hand kisses every now and then