#and i left myself a week between the jobs because i need to adjust to waking up much earlier and also i just need a break | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fledglingmaster · 11 months ago

Text

I'm not at 100% but I am on the mend. I drone on under the cut. I mean I really do. If you read thank you, if not it helps just to get everything out. My dental care the past year has been seriously traumatic.

I had an inflamed tooth that was extracted yesterday. After needing to be extracted for a week. I have medication for pain and infection. Though opioids never seem to help much. Last night I was able to get some sleep and I can chew again. My body has a lot to repair still.

This experience was a blessing in disguise, as odd as it may sound. For those who don't know, I am disabled. Sadly not in the legal sense. I can't get government support, yet I can't work a steady job because of my conditions. To put it plainly, I'm broke and must take what is given. I was without health insurance for a few years before I got medicaid. Medicaid does provide dental care, that is if you can find someone that takes it and is accepting new clients. It took over a year to find someone that was willing to take me on.

My current dentist has been a nightmare. The receptionist is obviously someone who has never struggled with money or her health. The queen bee type even though she must be in her 40s, low-key Karen. She treats everyone as if they are stupid and is extremely judgemental. Though not a major problem, dealing with her reminds me of all the girls that bullied me in my school years. That's still a sore spot for me.

The dental assistant can't take a proper x-ray. I'm not exaggerating when I say every x-ray needs at least 4 attempts. One time it took 7 tries. There is a major communication issue. I spent 15 minutes on the phone with her explaining that my filling fell out and that I can see the hole in my tooth. I don't know what she wrote down but no one knew I was coming in to have a filling redone. She is the go between for the front desk and the doctor and no one knows what's really going on. Every time I have work done she about waterboards me. She also is out of synch with the doctor. The doctor has to prompt her and even then sometimes she doesn't do what she needs to. They usually fight with each other. She is a nice person, but I feel she isn't qualified to do what she's doing.

The doctor is...something. When she isn't doing work on me she is okay and listens to me. When she's doing work she's no non-sense, which I respect, but it doesn't help my anxiety. She tells me to not fight her and to keep my head still. (I'm sorry, I can't breathe and I'm trying to not die but okay. Besides I barely moved, but now you can't see what you're doing because this place is lit worse than Dracula's castle.) She has me bend my neck back in an unnatural position that makes it difficult to breathe. I'm getting blasted with water going down my throat. I'm not completely numbed out, yet I get trigeminal neuralgia that I have to deal with for a week. (That has happened twice.) My tongue will be cut and/or burnt. I've had my lip and chin sliced as well. The entire time I feel like she's either going to yell at me or give up and say, "I can't work on you." I'm good at reading people and I can sense her frustration.

As mentioned, the lighting in there is terrible. The overhead light isn't adjustable or very bright. The chair doesn't allow for the head to gently fall back, hence the awkward pinch neck/pinned back head position that you have to hold. They don't let me see my x-rays or explain things in layman's terms. I haven't memorized teeth numbers as I didn't know that was a skill I needed. They can't seem to say 1st molar on the bottom left, just tooth 19 and I'm supposed to know which one that is. Communication over all is poor. They don't offer a print out of treatment plans so I can just figure it out myself. Their x-rays can't tell them if I need a root canal done on teeth or not. Which reminds me, they don't do root canals because they don't have the machine. They're impossible to get a hold of, they literally don't answer the phone. You have to leave a message and wait for them to get back to you. They don't have an emergency line meanwhile they are closed friday-sunday. Every time I go there I leave feeling stupid, worthless, and ugly. But, they're the only place I can go to for free and I have a lot of dental issues. End background origin.

So less than a year ago I had a filling done. It never sat right, it was overfilled, it hurt, eventually there was a gap, in Dec it fell out, 1 out of 10 bad. They had to redo it and made it sound like it was my fault it fell out. As they worked on me the tool broke. It was an interchangeable part but the new piece didn't fit. So they had to try to get the old one to work again, which they did. But if they couldn't get it working I guess I would just have to deal with an even bigger hole in my tooth for who knows how long. They told me if the pain lasts longer than 2 weeks to tell them. 2 weeks go by and I'm feeling pretty good. Slight soreness, but for a deep filling seems okay. 2 weeks and 3 days later, oh this actually hurts...but it is a major filling, the other one was like this and the pain went away after a few additional weeks. I thought it was part of the healing process as I've heard deep fillings take longer to heal and can be more painful than small ones. A couple more days, holy shit this pain is bad! I need my tooth pulled! I call and get no response, I email and get nothing, I even showed up in person and they were closed. Which is why I didn't get a response. It was during business hours on thursday. They're going to be closed all weekend. I considered going to the ER, but there isn't much they can do besides pain meds while there and antibiotics. I'm in the worst pain of my life. (This is coming from someone who walked on a broken foot for a month before finally admitting to myself it was broke and I should get medical help. I know pain.) Not only that I am worried about infection.

My mom gets and pays for my appointment at a local dentist for the following day as they do emergency appointments even for new clients. They happen to be running a deal this month and the cost ends up $19 for a full consult and extensive x-rays. Which they want to do before doing any work, understandable. Everyone there is pleasant, there's zero judgement. The place is well lit, too bright for me but absolutely needed for them. There is laughing and jokes between the staff. I get my x-rays first. None of them had to be redone. They also can tell which teeth need root canals. Everyone there listened to me and was sympathetic. When I told them my dentist didn't do root canals they were shocked. They showed me my x-rays and explained exactly what was going on with all of my teeth using layman's terms. They gave me multiple options far as saving teeth vs extractions. I told them with how much work was done on the one tooth and how much it hurt, I just wanted it gone. I was reassured that missing one tooth shouldn't cause me problems and all my bottom teeth looked good. They didn't mention how they were overcrowded, just they were healthy. They talked about my top teeth...yeah a lot of work still on those. But they can give me my smile back. I had a couple accidents which have cost me 2 teeth already, a baby tooth that needs to go, and now a days 3 that have major cavities that I could lose. All of which is, well depressing, but I was aware of it all already so it wasn't a shock. A lot of factors have gone in to my teeth but many people see missing teeth and judge. Even if they didn't I feel ugly. The past three years I haven't smiled much and I avoid photos to the point that people comment how great I am at dodging photos. My grandma felt bad and was willing to pay for an implant for my front tooth. Though I still would be missing a lot and thus still feel unattractive. For around the same price I can get a partial denture and have all my missing teeth filled in. My other dentist never gave me that option and wanted to push a bridge that would cost that only covered some of the back teeth. I already planned to go back just for the partial at some point but the extraction sealed the deal.

While they don't take medicaid, they do have a discount program that has a yearly fee of a little over $100. I signed up and already saved $330 on the extraction. Technically $230 if you subtract the yearly fee. It will knock down the price of the denture too. All work gets a discount. It's not free but it's about as cheap as you can get.

Extraction day I'm numbed out and wow am I numb! It's then that it hits me. I never felt that numb for work at the other dentist even with them doing more shots than what was done there. The chair lets my head fall back and I don't have to do the kink neck thing. I can breathe normally. They move the light and it adjusts. It's blindingly bright and they give me sunglasses to wear. The two of them moved so well together I could swear the doctor just had four hands. Anytime he said he needed a tool or suction, she had it covered. She did spurts of water and suctioned it out, none went down my throat. He kept telling me how good I was doing. He apologized a few times and when I alerted him to my tmj hurting on the opposite side he supported my jaw. I know my head moved just because of the force of everything. That wasn't an issue for them. Zero injuries to my tongue or face. Unfortunately, I did still have pain, but I know without a doubt I had the least amount of pain possible. He asked if I wanted any meds, another thing that my other dentist never offers. They are open more hours AND they have an emergency line that can be called.

It was night and day. I felt safe and I was treated like a human being. I will have to talk to my grandma and see if she will support me in getting most of my work done there. I will use the other place to get my two crowns covered and an easy extraction, the baby tooth, then goodbye forever. It's like feeling real love after being in an abusive relationship. I can't believe how I was treated. Maybe if I was in prison I could understand it. Even then I think it's still inhumane. I got a deep cleaning done at the new place as well as some preventative care. There are so many more people there and all of them are friendly and caring. 10/10

I cancelled my cleaning for the other dentist and they got back to me instantly. Hmm...okay, you don't like me cancellin, yet you don't do anything to keep me around. They actually got back to me the night before my extraction. While I was waiting on them I got antibiotics and an appointment for the extraction within a few days. I'm sure with them it would have been a week or more I'd have to deal with the pain.

This discount thing I have apparently has something with vision care as well. My eye care is a very similar story...I should see if walmart takes it because I went to them for years and never had an issue. Well besides the air puff machine punching my eye. That was a one-off thing. This other place, nothing but problems. When you have medicaid you're treated like shit. At least my doctor-doctors and specialists are all wonderful.

#personal #american dental care #let me complain #it's been a rough month #bad dentist: the novel

6 notes · View notes

fundielicious-simblr · 2 years ago

Text

A Belated Easter & Passover & Eid Mubarak! Hello to all the new followers and long time no see to the OGs 😂

It seems I've gone on an accidental sabbatical from posting on here, which definitely wasn't meant to happen, but between work and life moving unnecessarily fast I didn't have enough free time to sit and play. What I have been doing, however, is putting together a nice healthy queue of posts because I had a teeny bit of writer's block that resolved itself in time. I was meant to restart posting this passed friday actually, but I ended up having loads of Eid plans so I was out and about all day (I'm in not muslim but celebrate it culturally)

In the meantime, I realised I've hit 200 followers! That in itself is a miracle considering how stagnant this account gets. I've been quietly reading the other blog updates and am keeping myself entertained on the various other fundie sim blogs, I love seeing the new ones popping up to join us in this mini community we've created. Because I enjoy complicating my life, I've decided that I don't like the current tumblr theme I'm using and will be restructuring everything as well as updating character info. That will definitely be a work in progress.

When I last left off was pre-harvestfest in my sim world, so these posts coming will be Harvestfest posts, which I feel is good because they should serve as reminders (or introductions) to the characters that feature on here. The plan is to post every other day so I don't feel like I'm running to fill up the queue after. The infant update came as I was like 6 posts in, so there's a bit of an adjustment I've made for the age spans i've calculated, but essentially i'm just cutting the newborn stage in half because ain't no way i'm doing all those calculations again.

Here is the family tree with all the details, the character pages on the blog won't work because of the restructuring. I've updated most of the character pages on the family tree, there's some spoilers so read at your own risk. The rest I either haven't taken the time to copy and paste my character notes, or just don't have anything written at all 😂

The main aim was to post this on the 21st of April, but time gets away from me (and I also realised the family tree needed major updates so that took a week) so this is going up 1st May. I recently resigned from my job so my schedule looks very different, but I'm planning to do 2 professional qualifications back to back so I have no idea how much time I'll have once I've started - so for now I'm trying to allocate as much time to do this before I have none left.

#wow look at me finally posting #im a professional procrastinator

8 notes · View notes

a-dragyns-reflections · 2 years ago

Text

A Year in Review - 2022

This past year has been such a wild combination of opportunities, personal development, and professional development, as well as finding out more about myself and who I am. Let's begin shall we?

My year started off with me continuing to work overnights in retail. I had taken an online grocery picker job back in mid-2020 to just start earning some sort of income and opportunities in teaching were surprisingly few and far in between for that solid 2 years I worked there doing this kind of work. It was an okay job, but I missed out on so much working overnights- I was not able to keep up with current events, could not make plans with people, and just had to basically survive in that role instead of enjoying it. Fortunately, I would leave this role this year- thank goodness for that too because I was not sure how much longer I could handle such a job any longer than I did.

It's funny because I knew I would be leaving this role or doing this role in a smaller capacity as early as November of 2021 because I had been accepted into my school board- it was just a delayed start date by months due to constant chasing of paperwork from previous teaching opportunities both in my current city and in the UK. I finally got word in March of this year that I can start to substitute teach in April. That word and news finally was what I needed to change my overnight availability to just weekends, then spend the rest of my week doing my best to accept whatever substitute role and job was available on their platform. It was a welcomed change, but definitely an exhausting adjustment when I started the 2nd/3rd week of April- why did I start so late one might ask? Well, I had a vacation planned that was another amazing highlight to my year.

In early April-ish, my dear friend Darryl, after a long 7.5 year friendship, finally was able to safely travel up to my part of Canada from California. It was so so so fucking amazing to see him again as it had been a long time since I went to California for a long 2 week adventure back in 2015- long overdue to finally see the bestie again. We went all over my city in the 3-4 days he was here for- from seeing his reactions to poutines, Tim Hortons, and how my city had some surprising unique buildings, structures, and even venues to go visit. He had heard about these places all the time from me over the years, but to see him take it all in, in person, with him beside me? So incredibly special. I was an emotional mess for a week after he left; but I know he is going to be coming back to my city this year most likely for a convention I will be talking about later on in my year: Animethon.

Substituting then started shortly after he had to leave and it was wild jumping back into the classroom again, in person, not online. At this point, most people had stopped wearing masks as the government dropped the mandate due to insane protests for months on end. It was terrifying being there and still to this day, I am constantly aware of students and staff in schools I go too working while sick and have to be diligent and safe myself while others have stopped caring or cannot be safe any more...it is a heavy feeling, but nonetheless I made many connections immediately upon substituting, especially at my old high school oddly enough. I had been to a few schools downtown in my city, but it was near the end of April I went back to my old high school twice for social studies cover, and then near the beginning of May, I went back a third time to cover Spanish- an whole long story in itself as another opportunity came my way from accepting that first, one day job.

Taking that Spanish cover job would lead to a long series of insanely amazing, yet stressful events. During my first day covering for the teacher, she reached out to me to ask if I could come back the following day, potentially two days. I said yes because the more you cover for a teacher, the more pay you get in my school board so I was like, sweet- yes please! Cue the next day and again, the teacher asked if I could stay the rest of the week and potentially Monday as well- shortly after that, the department head came and spoke to me seeing if I would be interested in remaining covering for this teacher for two weeks as the teacher needed more time away. I said yes, I would need resources and some help adjusting, but sure. It's an amazing opportunity, why would I turn this down? On the third day of covering for this teacher, after some observations from the department head, I was asked to come see her after the work day was done. it was that meeting that she offered me my temporary contract to remain teaching Spanish full time until the end of the school year- a 7 week temp contract that would change my life so much. It led for me to quit my overnight job on the spot that Friday night, left me scrambling to lesson plan, get resources and guidance from all kinds of people like my department head, the teacher I took over for a bit, and even my old Spanish teacher that taught me at that very high school I was now teaching at. I worked 7:30am - 5pm most week days, and worked those similar hours on the weekends at times as well as I took over everything; lesson planning, teaching, marking, assessing, etc. It was a lot and most days I felt the weight of it all, never took lunch breaks, and just kept going and going and going until the exam break hit and I could breathe a bit. My biggest win from that experience was connecting with the students to receive the kindest of emails and cards at the end of the period, and even one student thanked me so profusely for working with her to bring her mark up 30% to pass the class and move on to grade 12 this year. It was a whirlwind of stress and fear that I was failing these kids by jumping in so late and not sorting myself out right away, but in the end I did not fail them, they got to know me and i got to know them, and I gave these students opportunities to improve their marks after an awful first 2/3 of a semester with constant substitute teachers who did not know the language. We managed and got through it together; to everyone's relief. Whenever I do go back to my old high school as a substitute again, I still have some of those previous students stop by if they see me in a classroom or even ask how I am doing if I am teaching them that day. I would call that a successful experience with that reception I get going back there to this day.

Another highlight to this year was actually coming out as demisexual and pansexual. I was questioning my identity a lot during the pandemic as many failed dates and people pushing physical acts on me left me so uncomfortable I felt broken and wrong. Why wasn't this working? Why was I failing at dating and finding the wrong people? Was it because I refused to put labels on myself as a stubborn person who originally thought labels would limit myself and my experiences to what those labels were only? It was a lot of those thoughts that led me to talk to new friends and explore so many websites that shared so many positive ace experiences with great break downs of everything under that identity. In May, everything I read and experienced and talked to people about just clicked and ta-da! I am demi, I am pan, and I am so happy to be both. My first Pride ever was my first out Pride and despite knowing the stereotypes people had about ace people in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, I felt so incredibly accepted, welcomed, and celebrated in June I still get a little emotional about this to this day. Now my family do not understand or even want to know more about this part of me, so that was a bit weird to like be out, be proud, but had people ignore me that were supposed to be my loved ones and such, but honestly? Fuck them. I know who I am and do not need approval from people who are not invested in my life any more.

It was also around this May/June period I entered a mentorship program that featured all mentors from the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. I was amazed at all I had done leading up to June, but I as confused about what I should do next; do I continue to try to grow my community on Outschool and be an online teacher? Do I look for more permanent, stable work? What about the queer community and where do I or could I fit in? I met so many amazing potential mentors, but Josh was phenomenal. He had me share about my passions in that first meeting and found things for me to do to work on immediately; create business cards for substituting and my queer D&D classes on Outschool, join local queer FB groups and events, and make some new connections in my community. I worked so hard on all of these things and my August was so successful with gaining more students, going to variety of events, and planting some seeds for connections to continue to grow what I was doing- showing how inclusivity can be accessed in such fun, creative, and personal development ways. It was working, but now what? September started and things slowed down immensely Outschool wise. The second meeting led for us to discuss making a business profile of all the classes I offered as well as workshops I could offer using this inclusive lens in gaming, as well as reaching out directly to local organizations such as the Pride Centre here in my city. Receiving the next steps and reflecting on how much my work meant to me, I had the confidence to start doing these bigger things that led for me to receive paid opportunities to teach Queer D&D sessions at the Pride Centre! Those went so well and bringing in the fun, quirky, and respected queer NPCs I had developed for my students led to amazing success. 2023 they want me back fairly regularly and we will be sorting out a contract on that in the New Year! I have also been asked to work on ensuring curriculum is inclusive in both Toastmasters and in another opportunity I will be talking about a bit further down. Not only did I find myself as a queer person, I found my community, and I am helping to ensure these communities are well respected and represented in every aspect of gaming and education. What a year! Thank you Josh, you were the greatest mentor I could have ever had this year.

Now back to the summer a bit- not only did I attend Pride, but I volunteered and attended so many other events. I volunteered at Pride where those connections first began and started. Also, I volunteered at the Heritage Festival in my city that brings so many people and cultures together in a large park outdoors where over a 130 countries had pavilions/tents selling food and so many amazing other things they could share about their culture. It was hot, it stormed, but I enjoyed helping people find the tents they wanted to go too and learning so much about different cultures there as a volunteer- the best way to travel to a country without actually going there. Worth the sunburns and rain soaked clothes that weekend. I also attended a TikTok Marketing Conference that summer as well- which was valuable and insightful as taking on a new Public Relations role in Toastmasters for my one club. Learning the peak times to post clips, what tags to include, how many times to post any content in a week would lead to the amazing success of ExtraLife this year (see my last post for more details). While I may not use TikTok that often any more- I can see the value of it and hope to explore more in the New Year after that event. I then attended Animethon and it was amazing- the cosplays I saw and took photos of, the people I met, the artists I adored and their work, plus discovering new shows and characters made that event amazing for me. I also recognized that going to an event like that by yourself is very difficult- surrounded by people, being pushed around, feeling lost, and the anxiety of, again, many people unmasked, left me having a few anxiety attacks that con, but at least there were quiet anime viewing rooms where I discovered SpyxFamily and Scarlet Nexus- my two favourites of the year. Hence why, hopefully, Darryl can come to Animethon 2023 with me so that won't happen again. Last but not least, I then attended and volunteered at my city's Fringe Festival. It was an 11 day festival with so many different plays, shows, acts, and more. I volunteered for 4 days, but also went for an additional 4 days to support so amazing acts such as yegDND, Iago vs. Hamlet, Mark of the Minotaur, Queer History: A Queer Musical, Undead Newlyweds, Mi Habana Querida, and many many more shows. Being an Ambassador, it was almost expected for us to go to as many shows as possible so we could hype up local and international acts, help people find venues, and hand out little stickers that made both kids and adults so excited- a beautifully busy event but I so so so enjoyed it, every moment and every show.

The next big opportunity that came my way in 2022 was becoming a Public Speaking Coach for a start up company called TalkMaze! It started out as teaching only one group class every Monday evening, to then teaching two students 1-1, and as of this past month, being promoted to being a Coach Coordinator for the company that has so many aspects to the role on top of continuing to teach public speaking and confidence as well. The goal of this company is to help youth develop a sense of self-confidence through public speaking, debate, and eventually through model UN as well. I currently am working on the public speaking and speech classes to help these students achieve this goal, but my more recent role is also becoming very valuable as well. As the Coaching Coordinator, I am currently developing and revamping the 1-1 Program curriculum to ensure that every lesson does add value to the student in regards to building communication and public speaking skills, as well as developing their sense of self-confidence. When this development and revamping is finished in a few months from now, I will also be helping to hire new coaches, train them, develop SOPs for their various roles, and even provide feedback to the coaches on how well their lessons are going as I get to observe them as well. Such a valuable role and if I continue to do well, there is a chance to jump to full time and lead the entire Education side to the company- a goal to achieve in 2023!

2022 has given me so much in so many unexpected ways; from finding my confidence in teaching again and leaving a toxic overnight work environment, to even finding myself and creating a safe community for myself as demisexual and pansexual, to so many opportunities in teaching D&D, teaching public speaking, and now developing curriculum that gives me so much meaning and purpose in my life, to also hitting an amazing fundraising goal for ExtraLife 2022.

What does 2023 look like for me?

Hopefully working hard and becoming that Education lead for TalkMaze, travel at least once this year somewhere again as I miss traveling a LOT, have Darryl come visit me for Animethon, continue to offer inclusive gaming and education workshops in various capacities, fundraise $1250 USD for ExtraLife, and make so many new friends. I want to do so much with my life, and if I do not aim high? I will get stuck, and what fun is getting stuck when I now know how much I can offer to the world, and how genuinely proud of myself I am. Hopefully you all will be here with me during this journey and I cannot wait to see where 2023 will take all of us.

Happy New Year everyone and stay golden~

PS. Toastmasters reflection will come in June of 2023 as Toastmasters goes from July-June year wise! Stay tuned~

7 notes · View notes

haeroniel-doliet · 1 year ago

Text

Bonus content for dinluke big bang pieces pt 3!: enjoy this timelapse of the process for the chapter 7 piece. This is mostly for the curious/myself for future reference, more thoughts and details on my process below the cut!

So glad in hindsight that I turned on the recordings because I genuinely think looking through these videos and commenting on them in between finishing pieces has actually really helped me refine things and improve!

This one I think is the least messy overall since the goal has been pretty clear since the beginning and it had much less intense of a background

We started brainstorming this before even the chapter was written! How exciting to have been part of a project where I actually got to work with an author and collaborate on the vision for a scene in their story

Hence the multiple little key frames to figure out what kind of story is being shared (also for future ref, definitely should do those kind of thumbnails more often to flesh out the composition early on

Had an awful time trying to draw Dins face honestly it is rough (I know his face is so nice and unique hence so hard to get right) Feel free to skip to about 0:35 to skip the worst of the somewhat cringey struggles.

I had a big issue constantly feeling like Luke was so stiff and sometimes doll like sometimes just so unemotive. Hence in between trying to go for an extra soft and emotive face that eventually I thought was just too extreme (like also figuring out that Din isn't concerned/scared here, but happy with a smidge of bittersweet reserve

It's honestly wild looking at the end result beside this, I had many a point I had no idea how this would turn out in the end!

Note I finally got to trying to colour them in and colourpicked from the previous piece for luke (far too pale for the setting here!) My boys been in the sun now, in the beginning being pale made sense he was also losing blood yknow

Really painted din too tanned to start with thanks to having the reference pics for these both be wildly over exposed for luke and in a lot of shadows and yellow lighting for din (and he wouldn't be so tanned having hid under a helmet for so long right?) So I spent a good bit of time adjusting them to fit slightly dimmed and shadowed outside light and not be so wildly overly contrasting to each other

And overall trying to add more colour variety! We're not in the cave anymore where everything was dulled

The tarp was giving me a bit of a nightmare until I remembered I can just reference basically the tarps i've slept under in scouts so often! No need to make it anymore complicated and it's so cozy (just had to fanangle it so it showed enough of their faces while still cozy and sheltering)

Almost had another nightmare with the forest but then figured it really doesn't need to be more than a suggestion and went with the whole lens blur effect (the boxes kind of suck but they do their job and yes I painted them mid committee meeting that I was definitely caring a lot about)

Finally rain and other little details, some little things I was left thinking I could do better even more refined even more clean and better but just. honestly? I was done and any further tiny editing would only ever be noticed by me and this was good enough and it was time to let it be done, don't you agree?

Fun fact I think this had made me realize you know, it looks like mine, this looks like I made it, maybe it means its in the style I have now maybe? It's not photo realistic and its not meant to be, it looks like the best I myself can do this moment in time

Alright future me: A reminder that this isn't perfect but it's a genuine big achievement. Finishing all these three with the level of ambitious detail and background you set out to? and only being almsot 1 week overdue on the final one? Thats impressive that's more than i've ever done, digitally especially. This is an achievement and I should be proud! Hopefully I remember to learn from these successess and stop spending forever agonising over little details so much so that it's not fun anymore (a little agonising is okay otherwise I'd have been okay with those multiple failed faces etc) but that taking the pieces from sketch/lineart to this? not even perfect paintings like the super talented people but even still much more engaging and interesting and complete looking. I can do it! And hopefully I can do more like this in the future for myself because being this proud of myself is worth it.

#haeroniel draws #art timelapse #art progress #krita timelapse #Can you imagine I started all these three in June?? And despite life being all sorts I made it to the finish line and theyre all done #I set really ambitious goals for myself and it so thankfully ended up working!#remember remember please that good enough and done are so much more valuable than perfection especially in the little details only I'd see #Also if you just happen to see this please go back and zoom in on the original piece! Lot of loving detail in there

1 note · View note

rozinaaa · 2 months ago

Text

Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?

There's a saying (and IT Crowd joke) within the tech community where the first solution to any problem is to simply turn it off and on again, but I think this can be applied to literally anything in general.

As I come back to cold, dark, rainy England (after spending 2 weeks in the best places, where the weather was absolutely perfect and everything was a vibe, to the point where time just flew by and went way too fast), it feels like I'm a somewhat different person, although it still does feel depressing to be thrown into reality again.

However, there are some new perspectives on things, and although everything still feels a little bit hazy (mainly due to going from a nice and sunny climate (because although the heat was between 30C and 40C, it actually felt bearable most of the time) back to an insanely cold and dark one, where the clocks have also gone back an hour, not to mention dealing with the jet lag of a 2-3 hour difference), I'm slowly beginning to watch it all unfold in front of me, whilst also wanting to go back to Saudi Arabia again and again.

This break was much needed, and although adjusting back to reality is hard, I've learned quite a few things along the way, mainly due to how things can be a blessing in disguise, and how people, buildings, and even countries (even with all the massive skyscrapers and mountains) are actually very tiny, especially if you're about 30,000 feet in the air, which is a good way to just zoom out on literally everything and to quite literally focus on the bigger picture.

For instance, I know that I've spent a good chunk of this year being very bitter about losing my job (and it still hurts a little bit, even though I'm still a little bit disoriented of settling back down again), but it could actually be a blessing in disguise, since I've realised that virtually everyone in that company (so about 25 people in comparison to all the millions and billions of others elsewhere in the world) was a raging alcoholic and music addict to some extent (with a few living or embracing some type of unconventional lifestyle), to the point where I tried to fit in (mainly on the music front, as alcohol is always off limits, but then again, music usually has a way to mess with your mind and is also a massive distraction to the point where it prevents you from ever getting anything done or allowing you to think) to avoid being left out, only to realise that I felt somewhat guilty of the people that I was surrounded with, especially when it came to going out to lunch (usually with me being dragged to a place that almost always served alcohol, but that seems to be virtually everywhere in the UK, with its massive and selfish drinking culture) and the office Christmas party, which started off good, but slowly ended up into a nightmare, mainly due to everyone else having those damned drinks, which of course, made me extremely guilty to the point where I didn't feel comfortable being there.

I guess it's been a good thing that I actually got kicked out of my comfort zone, because if I had the chance to stay, I probably would have stagnated, essentially going through the motions, so now I'm forced to think of new ways to do things, as well as having the chance to well and truly think about what I actually want to do and not what I think I should do, paired with the fact that I now actually have time to settle down and essentially reinvent myself instead of being whisked off to work from the second that I landed.

At the moment, I'm still unsure of what it is that I need to do, so for now, I'll see how everything goes.

As for now, although it's basically winter, it's spring, and a massive opportunity for me to actually improve myself.

#context

0 notes

navire190413 · 4 months ago

Text

i am exhausted. i really need to stop drinking so much. i almost didnt make it into work today just because i wanted to sleep more. probably since i've been going to bed around 2 every night. i really gotta adjust my life style soon or i feel like there will be serious consequences somehow.

ive been considering giving up on x-chan. its been 4 months since we broke up, and then 3 months as "friends", where we're just doing this stupid game of ohhh we like eachother so much one week then dont like each other the next week, repeat. we met up after work yesterday and went to 神田 to go to 神田屋. idk why we even went there, x-chan hates chain izakayas. we only had one drink then decided to walk to 秋葉原。we found another chain izakaya to go to since they allow smoking at your seat. usually when we're together he always holds my hand, but he didnt reach for it at all last night, so i didnt reach for his either. i felt like, oh maybe its actually over now and we're just actually going to act like friends and not be all ラブラブ like we are most of the time.

we left pretty early after having 2 mega lemon sours and some food. he was exhausted from work and was basically falling asleep at the table. we said bye and didnt kiss or anything. i went to my usual bar for a drink or two before going home. most of the usual people were there but i mostly just drank by myself and played with my phone. i was too exhausted and over thinking everything to even try to communicate in japanese.

i texted x-chan while i was there saying i wanted to hold his hand earlier but didnt know if it was okay or not so i refrained. he told me its always okay and he likes when i do it, so i guess i will from now on. i also told him i still like him and after i got drunk i asked him to please tell me if he ever starts talking to a girl romantically so i can stop pursuing him out of respect for the both of them. he agreed, so i guess i should stop worrying about if he's talking to anyone until he tells me he is.

my old drinking buddy ended up coming to the bar while i was there and we drank until 11:30, which is why im so fucking exhausted today. he's american from texas and has been in japan for less than a year. he's kind of sort of studying japanese but he hasnt really made much progress lately haha. he teaches english and is stuck in that terrible cycle. i couldnt do it. all of the people i know who are english teachers are miserable and on the verge of offing themselves. the pay is too low and their hours too long and they have weird ass fucking contracts with barely any time off. i definitely got lucky when i decided to go to language school. but also extremely lucky i had the means to save up for it and afford it. i love japan but i dont love it enough to become an english teacher just for a visa. i would absolutely move back to the states before i even considered teaching english as a job. which is why i was so panicked the entire time i was job hunting.

im sure if i didnt come to work today it would have been fine, but i had a cold two weeks ago and something about me missing 3 days of work in a month when i just got my work visa 2 months ago doesnt sit right with me. i got ready in 10 minutes today so i could sleep in the max amount of time possible and didnt even bother with makeup. i really gotta get my shit togetherrrrrrr. x-chan also doesnt want to drink as much anymore and wants to save money, so if i stop hanging out with him as much i wont be drinking as much or spending as much money either. but if i dont hang out with him as much, he'll start hanging out with other girls! i dont think he will but my ocd is killing me. i want to give up so bad. i tried my hardest to make things right between us, but they keep going from good to bad and then from bad to good and i am frankly emotionally exhausted. he texted ME good morning today, and that made me more happy than it should have. i need to stop wasting my emotional resources on this and focus on myself. its so hard.

i think im gonna go pray at a temple this weekend. it usually helps me clear my head and i feel like my luck usually turns around when i do. fighting the urge to look up 縁結び祈願 temples because i should pray about getting my life together, not getting back with x-chan haha. i typed this then immediately invited him to go with me.

i do the money management and accounting at my job. im still being trained on how they like their stuff organized and how to do everything the right way in japan. japan's tax system is so complicated compared to how "streamlined" it is in the states. also having to add up big amounts of money here is kind of comical. so many 0's. so. many. 0's. also dont ask me to say any number larger than 999万円 outloud because it takes me like 10 seconds to count from the end of the number and backwards to understand if its 万 or 億.

i need to go shooting soon. i have a photo series in mind, but it requires me being out all night long until like 6am, and i dont feel comfortable doing it alone since random men always approach me when im by myself so im kind of relying on my friends to go with me. i also keep blowing off my friends to hangout and try to woo x-chan. my life is a mess. i also need to study instead of drinking every night. and i need to not go to the bar as much so i can save up to move. and and and and. and i need to buy more film for my camera. and i want to play pokemon in my free time. and i need to study more japanese grammar for my job because im forgetting a lot of it now that im not going to school everyday. and and and and. i need to go to the grocery store after work today.

yesterday on my way to the station after work, there was a guy puking on the sidewalk. first thought was, okay gross? and at 5:30? kind of fucking early to be hammered… then i looked at his vomit and it was a giant amount of unchewed ramen noodles. like. so so so much. we made eye contact and that man was in PAIN. i wonder if he just overate or something instead of being drunk 😂 that image of those fucking noodles will stay with me forever.

i need to do laundry and clean my room when i get home tonight.

#diary #personal blog #life in japan #tokyo

1 note · View note

linkware · 5 months ago

Text

Today i got a meeting bc my numbers were low for a second day in a row and when i mentioned that id probably be faster if i wasnt experiencing A Pain in my body and he mentioned that i could go home but itd be another occurance and then said "the two excuses i hear the most are pain and the freight being bad, and from the looks of it youre fine and the freight is too" like im sorry i havent had a period in 6 months and i think my uterus is trying to invert itself inside of my body. Be nice to me before i explicitly describe what that feels like in detail to you and we both have to go to HR about it!!! But switching happened after to handle the Emotions and i asked him to do a random safety audit on me without telling me and i passed just fine so he said as long as i keep a steady pace through the night like i did when he audited ill be fine and we got the number back higher.

I still have to think about my job as a combination of school and salmon run to survive it but whatever works for me i guess. Have to be here i go on break when they tell me and i have to meet a quota.

I get praise if i meet it and a passive agressive talking to if i dont. This is so mr grizz coded. Also its stupid to expect 100% productivity when you, yourself, said that it takes roughly 6 weeks to get your body adjusted to the constant movement and ive been here for FOUR. And only 2 weeks actually doing things in my area hands on. Which is 7 days bc i havent worked tomorrow. Thays bananas and i think its silly so idc.

Also the rule that "if you need to rearrange a box so it fits then you packed it too full" is really stupid and i dont follow it because if i have a big cardboard box sitting on all of the smaller ones it wont fit but if i just move everything on top of it its fine. It literally takes less time than closing a partially full box bc that takes me longer than just dumping the box onto the line, putting the big item in, then putting stuff back ontop AND THEN closing the box. I can easily put more in this box without going over the handle. You want me to make a wasted movement to prevent a different one. I am very proud of my ability to follow rules unless they are stupid and no one can give me a better answer than "um its just the rules" like. Okay then unless its like some actual problem im gonna keep doing it suck my peanits.

I am also considering just giving myself a lunch budget for the workweek instead of prepping lunch bc i actually cannot handle doing the dishes during the week bc before work and after work is my only free time </3 i dont want to touch something gross or wet </3 ill do the trash or sweep or clean A Surface but dishes is no so tomorrow morning im gonna knock them out so i can enjoy the weekend and stuff cuz im gonna cook alot of tomato and feta to freeze sauce abd i can sense the dishes already

Overall today was mid. Again. And one of my coworkers i thought was nice put his two weeks in but i figured hed prolly get fired soon cause hes taken off more than hes worked so hes def out of PTO and u only get two absences/occurances in ur 90 day/orange vest (im at 1 out of 2 en and im scared idk how he does it) and his brother bit the snot out of his arm and left a huge bite wound while on meth and he lost custody (tbf his apartment is getting demolished due to rain damage... but from what he said he shouldve gotten it instead but im a bystabder in all of this. I hope the kid has a nice life she doesnt deserve to be between the drama her parents have)

I think is freakeng weed time bc im sooo emotions still. And i have an edible for edible + park tome so im Considering tomorrow taking it and going to the park around 5 am for a Magical Time with the sunrise

#work diary

1 note · View note

steamishot · 7 months ago

Text

overwhelm

it took me like 2-3 days to recover from all the traveling/red eye flight and another few days to adjust back to NYC.

work has been really busy - i haven't had the chance to sneak out this week like i normally do! wednesday, i had my first performance evaluation with my director. prior years were with my manager. it was the first 1:1 meeting we had since he offered me the new role. my director is really chill (chill to the point where he's not always on top of his duties, lol, similar to me) and only said good things about me. he left great ratings/comments on my evaluation and talked about increasing my salary and delegating new responsibilities to me. from experience, i think what he is saying will be true, but it will likely take a long time to execute, lol. i've informed him of my move back and will hash out the going into office details later.

they finally hired a new girl for my old position after more than half a year. it's going to take her weeks to get access and complete training for the systems we use - so far, i'm still doing everything and during busy season as well.

yesterday, i finally had a much needed crying session. i felt so overwhelmed with everything: the job search, job obtainment, contract reviews, decision making, car purchase, socializing with everyone, work, traveling and emotionally/mentally taking in all the upcoming changes and logistics: cross country move, how do we get all our shit from NYC to LA, 1 car vs 2, new work for matt, return to office for me, relationship progression, new apartment search, saying bye to my NYC friends, adulting, etc.

i felt depressed and upset after arriving back in NYC. matt had gotten sick (thanks to my niece) and he immediately went to work night shifts. on top of that, he informed me that his next on week will be working 10 days straight, and that he'll have to work night shifts on the july 4th week. until today, we have not processed this whole move together! his schedule is really driving me nuts. i feel incomplete and alone navigating this whole thing on my own currently, waiting for him to mentally catch up.

it also was depressing that i went from having family everywhere/ a full house (extra special time because my TX cousins are still visting at my parents house) and fun social events almost daily to being by myself again. i had a lot of FOMO seeing my family continually gathering up. also, my mom is my main support system and i call her whenever i'm alone, especially on night shifts, but she's pretty unavailable this week due to hosting.

there was an awkward friend event planning this week. L is leaving NYC end of this month. S, who isn't that close to L but knows her updates through me, suggested that we have a farewell thing. L reached out to both me and S separately to plan a lunch. instead of leaving it at that, S decided to revitalize an old group chat between her, L, me and A asking to hangout. the last message in the group was a happy new year from 2023. L told her she wasn't planning on inviting A and didn't respond in the chat. i also wasn't keen on meeting up with A, since she's now demoted to acquaintance/stranger status lol. L, S and i basically haven't kept in touch with A. however, after over a month, L decided to respond in the group chat asking to meet for lunch on 6/8 and both S & A were up for it.

i was feeling dead/emotional from all the recent events and did not want to meet up with A who tends to be inquisitive and a tad judgmental. i dreaded the idea of feigning interest and catching her up with the last 1.5 years that we didn't talk (also knowing i am moving away, i didn't see a point in rekindling a friendship). so, i ended up backing out. since i wasn't going, S didn't feel like going either because then it felt like "3 acquaintances who don't really know each other meeting up". long story short, the plans fell through lol. for now it does feel a bit ingenuine with A, but since plans were already ignited, we're going through with a comedy show in a couple of weeks.

health: i have not had any blood in my stool since 5/7, thank goodness! however, due to my restrictions in diet and traveling/eating mostly home-cooked foods/stress, i have lost weight. i was almost 120lb before going to LA. i reached a low of 113 and i'm currently trying to get back up. that means i need to be more active and less restrictive of my diet. my brother also got a colonoscopy that was clear, so that is a relief.

ceramics: after missing two sessions, i attended ceramics class today and spent most of the time trimming. my one bowl is turning out kinda nice, lol! the teacher is pretty hands-off, due to the larger class size and varying skill levels. everyone is working on different things. i felt less depressed after attending class. it reminded me of the purpose/fulfillment i have here, along with yoga classes. it just takes time to adjust as my lifestyles seem completely different.

0 notes

rufusx2 · 8 months ago

Text

thinking more of my "autumn headspace" so to speak a thing that happens within me only during the autumn season typically end of august to mid october in which my mind is completely free of my material shackles and i become completely and totally convinced that i can become a different person overnight i am overcome with not only a want for life and a hope for the future but i actually do make changes and i feel things much more deeply than usual, but with an air of detachment from it as if i am not quite out of body but definitely not in it either. a sort of overlap between us both? i dont recall much but i remember crying at night but being so fervent during the day. jaw clenching and shaking and buzzing with that energy. in fact i would honestly describe it as more of a high energy phase than anything else- i would be genuinely unstoppable if i could trigger it on purpose, or choose to live like that permanently. it feels as if there is a haze of gold placed over my vision when i look back in my memories. and this with comes the burning need to walk and keep my body moving. during this time a coworker described be as a "busy body" and he was absolutely right. when i was a teenager this would manifest in me going on hours-long bike rides until i could taste blood in my mouth from moving so fast, and now i wander the nearby neighborhoods turning on random corners until i can't walk any more. i am like a shark compelling to swim and i just can't stop. and it is amazing. i think so many things and while i still think while i walk it's always a bit duller now. i remember walking out in the autumn not caring if i had work later and not adjusting my hair or bothering to check my posture. i would stare at myself in the shadow i left on the sidewalk only. of course i also at one point felt as if the blank walls of my bedroom were going to swallow me up but i have posters up now. i think up countless ideas, and can only try to match that intensity and continue my projects during the rest of the year. i rarely think of new ideas in spring summer or winter. and the thing about fall i think is not just the general "vibe" of it all. because i could easily replicate that by watching over the garden wall or listening to my Autumn bands or putting up my halloween stuff at different times of year. but i think the crispness of the air and the leaves falling off the trees and the relief of being over with summer fuels me. i go for walks in spring sure but the warmth and wetness of the air distracts me from falling into this. while it rains in autumn, it's dry whenever it isn't (which is why it's part of wildfire season). but going back to my detachment. i find it freeing. of course i am still plagued by daily anxieties, but it's more manageable i suppose? or at least, it doesn't happen as frequently. but the main thing that brings me artistic inspiration (or at least, HAS brought me artistic inspiration for this project specifically), is this idea of the Ideal self. how i can become a new person, and change who i am fundamentally. it's futile of course, but for the duration of this phase i really do do it. and i know i'm doing it because other people like me more. every job i have ever had, i got hired in autumn. i am calmer. i think differently. i do things that i cannot do otherwise. and i try so hard to keep this up but i just cant. again, not in my nature. but i feel as if i can change my nature during those few short months a year. and i feel less trapped by this body. and of course this can tip very quickly into self hatred which i have gone into before on this blog (it's what is meant by 'WWJD' and killing the old self to be reincarnated as the new self) but i still cannot help but wish i knew how to trigger it. what drugs can do this to you? i would trade this sober mind for her any day of the week.

#i think it is perhaps what could be described as 'mania' but which is so infrequent it isn't disordered #well. enough so at least #meows #and you know what i would live like that all the time if i could #my impulsivity doesnt even go up im capable of thinking things through #i dont think the low energy sadsack phases are necessary for that.

0 notes

blissfullybloomed · 1 year ago

Text

Good Morning, and welcome to Sunday!

Sunday seems to be the day where I yoga and write the most frequently the past few weeks. The past few weeks have just been …intense.

I am infamously known for taking on WAY more than I can handle at once. I think this is due to me having to always juggle several things as a child(emotionally, physically…) It's something I have learned that continues to be repeated and cycled through. Typically when burn out happens I have mental breakdowns, call off work, isolate, and unfortunately shut out everyone. Well , as one goes on a journey…they learn lessons. So the lesson I have learned with this, is being self aware when I'm overloaded. This can be work, personal, relationship, or family overload. This time it was just a “newness” overload. New house, new state, new job(s), new relationship, new friends, new family experiences…etc. Just all the new things.

A few months ago, I was extremely excited(the manic), and I was sooooo ready to get out of Wisconsin, that I didn't actually enjoy my last two weeks I was there- I sat there just counting the minutes before I graduated massage school, and the days before I left for Ohio.

Well…here we are …in Ohio. Fully.

I have always been one that adjusts to any certain situation pretty easily at first, then the routine/responsibility kicks in and I just keep moving through it as if nothing new has happened. I don't think I take enough time to really just understand what is going on around me.

We(I) live in a very fast paced world, where information gets to you from across the world in nanoseconds. So, accepting all the new things in my life, has been a very “paced” acceptance. Now, don't get confused by my demeanor…im very happy with the new. I have waited long enough for the new….it's just a little overwhelming sometimes.

Example: The new career I'm in-Massage Therapist in a chiropractic office, a Massage Therapist for a corporate spa(tbh, I never thought I would work here…but the benefits outweighed anything), the new house I live in(with my sister and her wife-three dogs, and three cats….along with my two cats- its all new, ) my new relationship- (he is a whole ass adult) I still dig it…it's just new. Even a month in, I'm still adjusting.

Now, let's talk about an area of “limbo” that I DO NOT do well in at all……the gray area. The in-between: waiting for money to take the MBLEX exam, and waiting to get my license for Massage…the gray area sucks. I loathe it. This stems from me being inherently impatient( Im working on it- slowly.) It also stems from fear. Fear that I'm going to mess up so badly that all this new disappears. It’s also shitty when I have to watch all my friends get all their things first because they actually planned the financial part of the license…etc. I however; did not. Moving ain't cheap yo.

Anywho, the new is overwhelming.

So how do we fix it? We establish boundaries to our peace. So clearly working 6 days a week, in two different cities…40 miles apart….isn't the goal. So I regrouped…thought it out, and I am going to stick with a normal 5 day work week. I need that decompression time. That's MY time. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I WAS self aware. I felt myself “turtling”, I took stock, reassessed, and made a change. I need my me time, I need my family and boyfriend time.

Oh and speaking of the boyfriend. Yall, this one…this one has me by the heart strings. He is there when I don't even know I need him to be there. He supports and motivates me to just breathe once in a while. He tells me it's okay when I'm overloaded with all the new.

If I could just live in our bubble I'd be a happy camper. Our bubble is where I am completely safe. What an incredible feeling. It's really nice to be taken care of by a man emotionally. I will tell you this- he is the first one…I've actually allowed to take care of me. Not the other way around. I also don't fight it anymore. Hyper-independence is a trauma response. I wasn't a fan of a man doing anything for me…period…I thought they would think I was weak, and unable to manage on my own. But now, shoooooot! He wants to buy me dinner- go for it. He wants to give me an extra long hug in a parking lot, go for it. He wants to take me to lighthouses- go for it.

Take care of me baby. I'm okay with it now, and I'm so here for all of it. Thank you for just being you. Everyday.

If he is a moose, I'm totally a moose.

The new is great. It's overwhelming. I couldn't do it without my family and my boyfriend - for real. I need them all. Ha! Yeah, I need them. I need people in my life now. Maybe I needed people the entire time….I just wasn't ready. I'm ready now.

If you are someone who has helped me through the new…thank you!

Word of advice: Take stock of your own boundaries and include your time. Time is something you don't get back and it tends to slip by very quickly.

"The magic of new beginnings, is single-handedly, the most powerful magic of them all"- Victoria Bloom

1 note · View note

majorprojectalex · 1 year ago

Text

Reflection Post

Since the unit is coming to an end, I wanted to have a post reflecting on the project. Looking back at the initial concept of the project, I think that I was able to stay on track by the end. I made some small changes to the story, most significantly I changed the murder victim from the magician to the assistant and I changed the fact that the detective is seeing the trick from the audience, but I think those were generally reasonable changes and made mores sense for the game and plot. Generally I struggle with sticking to my ideas quite a bit, as was probably evident during the pre-production phase, and during this unit too I had to fight the urge to take my idea and change it from the ground up multiple times. If it wasn’t for the rules I set for myself in the planning folder and the brief of the project I would have probably changed it a lot more and end up loosing track of it a bit, so I think that setting up a planning folder for my own projects in the future would be very useful for me.

In terms of the final product itself I am really happy with everything, especially the demo. I think I did a good job with the design and the coding and UI. I could however polished the character sprites a bit more, and I think that the way the mechanic is introduced could have been more organic and intuitive. But at the same time I am also really proud of myself for getting this far.

In terms of the project’s deliverables, I am pretty happy with myself. I had set really flexible goals with them in order to see how far I could get, and honestly, I got way farther than I thought I would, which is a very satisfying feeling. I managed to meet all of my must have goals, as well as a majority of my Wishlist goals, most importantly I think, I managed to make a playable demo which I really didn’t think I would be able to do in the beginning since it was way out of my skillset. But, while I was able to meet a big amount of my goals and have a finished demo, artbook and website for the game, by the end of the unit I still think that my planning and time management was not ideal. It was definitely an improvement form previous time management experiences, but I still made many mistakes. Some of the positives of my Gantt chart are that I planned for external factors like my job and the family trip I had to go to, so when these things happened it was planned and I didn’t have to scramble to make time for them. I also left a bit of buffer space between switching tasks to be able to apply the feedback I received for them. I also gave myself a lot of buffer space in the end in case I was behind on things. I ended up really really needing that time, not so much because I was behind but more because I decided that I had come too far with the game demo and I wanted to finish it and put everything together. I think in hindsight one of the main problems I was having with the timetable was that I was having with the schedule was that it was built for creating a concept art pack and not a game. I only gave myself a week to do the UI for example, but I ended up having to work on it in parallel with other tasks during nearly the whole project, It would make sense for it to only be a week long task if I was making a concept art pack, but since it was a part of a playable demo, I had to constantly develop it an make adjustments so it took way longer. Since making the game was a stretch goal, and I didn’t think it was possible I don’t think I could have accounted for it necessarily, but I think that during the project, especially the last week I should have spent a bit of extra time to adjust the schedule and coming up with a plan, instead of just focusing on putting together the game. I also learned that I work better with having a steady routine but a more flexible schedule. I’m also glad I made the call to switch the UI with the character design time wise, as if it wasn’t for that I probably would have not been able to develop the UI to the degree that I did, or the game.

In terms of the dissemination for my project I have mixed feelings. I am really proud of my work with the art book and I really like the itch.io page I put together, but In terms of sharing the project on social media I think I could have done a better job. I started doing it too late I think, so I didn’t really plan or give myself time for it. And overall promoting myself and my project felt kind of awkward, and I didn’t get any people who were not already my friends to follow it. After doing some research I think Instagram was really not the best way to disseminate my project, I chose it because I had used it before and it was more in my comfort zone, but I’ve seen a lot of videos of artists quitting Instagram recently, because the algorithm has become way to demanding and it’s increasingly harder to get notice in it. I think I would have to do a bit more research to see what other platforms are better in the future. Since my main goal is to get employed it’s not that important for me to have social media, but if I want to work on my own projects, it’s a good way to get them out there.

In terms of the blog and documentation, I found that really difficult to keep up after the first weeks. I think it’s because I got really invested in the project once I found out I could make it playable, but that also made it require a lot more time, so I felt like I should be working on the project instead whenever I would sit down and do the blog. Also though from previous units, while I see the value of keeping track of what you have been doing and reflecting on the process, I have been finding keeping a blog daunting and counterintuitive for me. So, I wanted to find a solution to that, as I think documenting my process is important, and what I came to was keeping files of voice notes. I find it difficult to explain things in writing, so just leaving myself a voice note seems a lot faster and less daunting. Also, I think I should keep my documentation private as making it private as it being public makes me self-conscious and maybe avoid documenting specific things. I would have to test this out though.

Overall I am really happy with this unit, and I think I learned a lot of new skills, both practical like learning Ren-py and developing mechanics, and also learning a bit more about my limitations and abilities. I also discovered that I really like game design and UI, and would like to pursue it more in the future

0 notes

pinkchangelingdemon · 2 years ago

Text

Who am I?: Part 1

Jordan! Run faster! Mallory? Stop looking at your phone and finish the set! - I yelled orders with my mainly voice and they obeyed me.

I unlocked the front camera of my tablet and chuckled while seeing my bearded face. From bullies like Jordan, to the rest of the teachers and students, I have fooled all of them. I was the one controlling every word and movement of Robert "Rob" Walker, the PE teacher.

...

Five minutes later, I started to clap and yell.

-That's it! Good job everyone! See you all next week! Now go take a shower!

I was grading them when someone approached me.

- Hey Rob! Are you mad at me or something? -asked Jordan, the sports star of my school, also the person who made my life hell.

I put the most charming smile on Rob's lips.

- Jordan, I only want that y'all reach the best version of yourselves.

That's the quote I started to use with anyone who bullied me while I made them work harder.

Jordan sighed reassured.

-Now, go take a shower or think someone is going alone to prom.

Jordan rolled his eyes.

-Okay, Rob.

...

After my classmates left, I had time for myself. The next group arrived in an hour.

I went to the locker rooms, closed the door and started to undress myself to take a shower. Not because I needed it, well, needed to take a look to that body free from clothing, and the rush from fooling Jordan made something woke up between my legs.

After I took off my gym shorts, I heard someone outside shouting: Rob! Are you there?

Change of plans. I put on the shorts and the blue polo and opened the door to find my previous host, Andrew White, the math teacher. My time in his body is a story for another day.

- Hey Mr White what can do for you?

Mr White laughed and rested one of his arms against the door frame. Our faces were so close.

- Don't be silly, you know you can call me Andrew -he kept his eyes looking at mine and moved his other arm to my waist.

I took a step back unsure of what was happening.

Mr White laughed again.

- Don't play hard to get now, none of us has forgotten our make out session in the teachers lounge.

Weird, Mr White was always talking about his wife. Then I realized, maybe Mr White remembered my time in his body and how I ended up in Rob's body.

-But your wife...

-F*ck her- he said while approaching me, putting his hands on my waist and whispering in my ear- I don't know what has gotten into me, but kissing you felt like the biggest rush in my life.

-Mr White...

He got me and he knew it. He started kissing me roughly.

Between kisses and moans, I opened the PE teachers office and we entered. He undressed me and took a good look.

-You know, I've been envying how you kept your body fit for a while... - he approached to my ear- and now I know, I don't want to be fit like you, I just want to f*ck you.

Then, he placed me against my desk, and undressed himself. It was clear he was the one taking the lead.

...

Let's say we were lucky Ms Lakewood didn't keep good track of time, or the next group would've heard our moans echoing through the gym...

We exited the office in time, then I adjusted my shirt and took a quick look at Rob.

- See you later - Rob said smiling.

I smirked, and then left the gym while mentalizing myself to explain maths again.

#male body possession #male possession #teacher possession #straight to gay #male body swap

263 notes · View notes

whatifyoulivelikethat · 3 years ago

Text

LO$ER=?, m | jjk

pairing(s): jungkook x reader

summary: Life is just a path and you walk it. Until Jeon Jungkook. He made you run, sprinting through winding side roads and alleys, fighting, bleeding, losing. Your paths split, but life is made of orbits. Now that they have overlapped once more, his hand is fiercely holding yours and he won't let go again. Nothing matters if he's with you. Thus, you run once more, laughing like you've gone mad.

continuation of 0X1=?, m | jjk – click here to read

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; mentions of sexual assault (not heavily described, however, please note reader is the victim of said assault); actually predominantly fluff; mentions of previous angst; mentions of physical fighting; smut (fem reader, fingering, cowgirl, scratching / marking, penetrative sex); non-idol!BTS - tattooed, previously rich!Jungkook x rebellious!reader (mostly reader's POV, a tiny bit of JK's POV), ft cameo of Kim Taehyung as JK’s best friend and crossover with 'bao, t/m | myg' au

yes, I waited until the TXT's 'LO$ER=LO♡ER' was released to write this XD there's a ton of TXT references as well, enjoy!

now playing – LO$ER=LO♡ER by txt

"Jeon Jungkook! Yah! Jeon Jungkook! Come out of that whore's home!"

You were about to remove the groceries from your front seat, but then you stopped at the shouting, peering up at the second story of the apartment complex to see… ah, yes, a young woman yelling at your front doorstep. One look at the imported, Western, black car with heavily tinted windows and you were well aware that the woman in a matching designer two-piece – a ruffled pink suit jacket and flared skirt – complete with immaculately pulled back hair in a half-ponytail must be...

She turned around, fuming, pretty features twisted in rage, and screamed in frustration.

You quickly jerked your head back out of her line of sight and clicked your tongue.

Your boyfriend's ex-fiancé had some lungs on her.

You waited until she finished shrieking like a banshee and peered out to see her spin on her heel and return to pounding on your apartment door with her small, manicured fists. You spotted her beige, black cap-toed slender heels.

Chanel.

Huh.

You stayed in your car.

Reached over to your bag and pulled out the single ice cream you bought to share with Jungkook but, at this rate, you would have to buy another. You pulled off the cap and folded it in half, curving it like a spoon, and began to eat the mango sorbet. Hm, well, it was better this way. Jungkook would probably prefer chocolate or straight up diabetes over mango sorbet.

He would eat pretty much anything though.

You scooped up some of the frigid, melting sweet into your mouth and watched his ex-fiancé shout at no one.

True, you could go up there and throw her down the stairs. But there was something hilarious about this, her beating and howling at your apartment door, completely ignoring the fact that no one was answering it and that she was very clearly causing a public disturbance, all because of her own personal problem.

You glanced up to watch her slide down the door, openly crying now. You pressed the button of your car window to roll it down a crack to listen to her sobbing above you.

"–can't believe you would do this to me... you know I need this marriage... my family's company depends on it..."

You slowed, licking off your makeshift spoon.

"I'll be left with nothing... nothing unless I get married..."

Crocodile tears or not, the woes of the rich did not earn much sympathy with you.

You rolled your window back up, leaving your car on idle for the air conditioning.

It was a mix of previously being constantly berated by Jungkook's wealthy parents that now exiled him over a fucking eyebrow piercing and being a member of the working, lower middle class. For some reason, that latter fact was also offensive to Jungkook’s parents. Everyone was accepting until money got involved. You hummed, eating another scoop. You didn’t like it, but you understood that his parents wouldn’t believe that you have no interest in their money. What you didn't understand was why his ex-fiancé was so hellbent on yelling at your door. From what you could tell, she wasn't ugly. Couldn't she find someone else?

You scraped the last of your small ice cream out and ate it up.

You checked your phone.

Jungkook wouldn't be out of work for at least another three hours. You had found him a job at the local bao shop through your own job as an accountant. You assisted the family in sorting the finances for their small business and personal tax forms. The owner had back surgery and so the daughter had been working there by herself with one other employee that delivered the orders. They wanted to hire another to help with cooking and cleaning, perhaps even open up the front counter again to accept pick-up orders instead of only delivery. However, it was hard to find someone trustworthy and reliable. The best way was through word of mouth.

They won't mind my tattoos?

Whenever I drop by, the delivery guy is wearing a leather jacket, ripped jeans, and has a resting bitch face. You'll be fine. Also, I think the daughter and him are dating.

Jungkook had blinked at you.

You know. In case they disappear for ten minutes, unexplained.

You loved Jungkook's laugh.

He didn't complain or whine for some other job. He only asked when he started and how to get there. You bought him a secondhand bicycle and he was off to work, five to six days a week. Sometimes you would drop him off with your car if was too rainy. Occasionally, when he had to stay late for a large order, the delivery guy would drive Jungkook and his bike back home.

That's how it was here, in the world of everyone else, minus the rich.

The fuck is all this?

Manager gave me a bunch of leftovers. She said I'm a fast learner. Did you know Taehyung stops by there? He's never said shit! He said it was his little secret, that ass–

You smiled as you remembered Jungkook's animated face and annoyance at his best friend for not sharing what he thought was crucial information. Jungkook would speak excitedly, hauling a bag of buns and spilling them over your clean kitchen counter, scrambling to catch them as he explained the different ones to you and how they were made, telling you all the things he was learning and funny stories about customers.

You almost forgot this Jungkook.

It was strange, feeling something after such a long time of feeling nothing, strange to find your time occupied once again by him, when at many times you vowed not to get involved with Jungkook anymore, only for him to show up and make you throw your promises to yourself to the wind, recklessly chasing the anger, wondering, hating, loathing how much you still loved him after he left, recalling him standing there, stone silent as his parents' verbal lashes ripped you to shreds.

You turned the car off, pulling the keys out and pocketing them, not wanting to the drain the battery.

Maybe.

Maybe you were stupid for loving him so much.

Maybe you were as pathetic as the woman up there in some ways.

Then again.

Maybe that was just how everyone lived.

You heard a soft tap by your car window.

You jerked your head to see Jeon Jungkook, in the flesh, peering at you through the glass, clutching his bike. You could see half of his head, short black hair and large, curious brown eyes, nose pressed up to the bottom of your car window. He was wearing his work clothes, light wash jeans and an aqua blue t-shirt, lightly dusted in flour. He pointed up and you noticed his ex-fiancé had switched back to yelling at the door, no longer facing the street.

You shooed him back and opened the car door, eyes wide.

"Why are you home?" you whispered, crouching down to speak to him.

He grabbed your hand, gasping as he gripped it. You shivered at the coldness of his fingers, but there was a warmth in between your and his frozen palms, melting each other.

"Oh, shit, your hand is so cold!"

"So is yours!"

"I was biking! My hands get cold from the wind. What's your excuse?"

You held up the empty mango sorbet container in your other hand, shifting your eyes guiltily.

"And you didn't share?!" Jungkook hissed, his windswept hair giving him a fierce appearance, dismay clear in his glistening dark brown orbs despite trying to sound angry.

You spied his other hand on his bike. There was a large, wrapped bandage on his left forearm. You ticked your chin towards it, furrowing your brows. "What happened?"

"Ack, I burned myself and manager-nim told me to go home early. I told her I could still work, but there were only a few hours left and it seemed like she wanted to be alone with Yoongi-hyung..."

You raised your eyebrows.

"What are they gonna do, bonk in the kitchen?"

"You wouldn't want to bonk me in the kitchen?"

You grinned at him and Jungkook grinned back, eyebrow piercing flashing in the sun.

"JEON JUNGKOOK!"

"Oh shit–"

You scrambled out of your car, locking it, slamming the door as the young woman wailed his name and pointed at you and him, furiously wiping her tears.

"You bitch! How dare you take him from me! He was mine! I had him wrapped around my finger!" She hiked up her skirt and swiftly power-walked to the stairs, looking back to yell more at you as Jungkook placed his bicycle down. "He would do anything for me!"

You raised your eyebrows, again.

Jungkook yanked on your t-shirt sleeve, ushering you to get on the bike with him.

"Doesn't seem like it!" you called back casually, chucking your trash at her, causing the empty ice cream container to smack her in the shoulder and roll across the sidewalk.

"You–"

You cackled and got on the bike, hooking your arms around Jungkook's shoulders and adjusting your feet as she stomped up to you two, conventionally attractive features contorted in rage.

"He was my dog!"

Your eye twitched.

"You were gonna marry a freak who was into bestiality? No wonder you left," you remarked, patting him on the chest as Jungkook burst out laughing, loud and rich, shaking his head.

"You can't do this to me, Jungkook! You can't leave me with that other guy!"

You felt it.

Pause.

You felt Jungkook stiffen under your hands and you turned yourself, hearing the helpless plea in her voice now, throwing herself to the ground, designer knees in common dirt, anguish on her face, tears streaming down her made-up cheeks, sniffling hard, and, with your breath lodged in your throat, you realized she was restraining her pained sobs, so trained in maintaining appearances that it seemed like she couldn’t even cry properly in front of others.

"You can't... you know how they are... I can't marry him, you saw what kind of man he is... that's the whole reason I tried to find another husband..."

There was no more anger in her voice, only fear and dread, and you didn't understand, and yet you could for some reason, for some reason you could see it as if it was tangible, the realness in her enigmatic words. Jungkook's hands tightened on the handlebars of the bicycle, his knuckles turning white, tense shoulders under your arms, and for a second, a moment, an instant...

You thought he might go back.

"You should run."

The crying woman on the ground lifted her head, hiccupping, cheeks blotchy pink, still somehow beautiful.

"W-What?"

Jungkook turned his head and looked down at her. "You should run away, like I did. Find someone who actually loves you. Getting married to me will only make both of us miserable, even if it saves you from that other guy."

She looked from you to him, and you recognized that look in her eyes, jealousy and envy, but not directed at you. It was directed at the warmth between the coldness of his hands and yours, directed at the orbits of his and yours finally overlapping, meeting in the vastness of space once more, his zero and your zero becoming one, not you, but his ability to throw everything away, his wealth, his comfort, the world he knew, all for a feeling she had yet to feel.

"What... what if I can't?" she asked weakly. "What if I can't find what you have?"

Jungkook lifted his foot off the asphalt and placed it on the pedal. He raised his head, and you found his eyes on yours for a brief moment before casting them back down to his ex-fiancé.

"Then keep running. It's better than being married to him, right?"

He began to turn the handles, about to pedal away.

She screamed after him, words choked with agony.

"Love won't solve our problems, Jungkook!"

You held on tight, chest to his back, fingers clutching in Jungkook's shirt, nose in his hair, his warmth under your cold hands.

"It won't!" he yelled over his shoulder, gaining speed with a grin. "But it sure as hell makes the problems worth shouldering!"

“Hey! Get back here!”

You snickered and chucked the plastic bag into the basket connected to the bicycle, jumping on quickly, pedaling away as Jungkook ran after you at top speed, breathless and laughing, his black hair flying back, aqua shirt molding to his muscular chest, long legs sprinting after you and the bike, your grinning face looking back periodically to catch his smile, going not too fast, but still fast enough so he couldn’t quite catch up. Golden hour brought out the tan on his skin and his high cheekbones, both of you tearing out of the gas station at high speed, drawing stares and shaking heads, but neither of you noticed or cared, his booming voice calling your name and you sticking your tongue out at him childishly.

“Watch out!”

You jerked aside and sped past a group of five young men with skateboards, two with shorter black hair, one with long black hair and white highlights, one with ash gray hair, and one platinum blond, all very tall, but you didn’t have time to stop and stare at the impressive height of them, turning into a side alley towards to the creek nearby, avoiding pedestrians, Jungkook following close behind until you got to your destination, grabbing the plastic bag in the basket and throwing the bike down, cackling as Jungkook snatched you from the air, his heart racing against your back as you kicked the air, him still somehow effortlessly carrying you despite sprinting so hard, panting into your hair.

“Get off!”

But instead of letting you go, Jungkook held on tighter, fierce kisses into your neck, wiping his sweat all over you and making you cringe amidst your laughter. It was already late, the sun dipping into the horizon, slowly taking its warmth with it. Water trickled meekly down the creek, barely coating the rock bottom due to the hot summer.

“Stop, stop, the ice cream is melting,” you finally gasped out, shoving Jungkook aside, wiping your neck with the back of your hand, pretending to be disgusted, but Jungkook just grinned and seized your cheeks, pressing his lips against yours.

“I love you,” he breathed.

“Ack, I love you too, fuck, get off–”

You two sat on the swings of the empty playground, watching the sun disappear, eating ice cream with the lids of the containers. As predicted, Jungkook got the chocolate that seemed to have everything in it but the kitchen sink. You, on the other hand, got red bean this time.

“Hey, Jungkook.”

“Hm?”

He looked up from his ice cream, shoving a large lidful into his mouth.

It was strange how beautiful he looked, even with his black hair sticking up every which way, his cheeks filled with the frozen sweet, the faint rays of sunlight catching the silver of his jewelry – eyebrow piercing, earrings, silver chain around his neck with the compass star pendant – all paired with his oversized aqua blue t-shirt and baggy jeans, still with bits of flour on his thighs from work.

“What did that man do to her?”

A darkness clouded his features even though he tried to hide it from you with a neutral expression.

“Ah… He just… Just wasn’t really the kind of guy who thought of women as people,” Jungkook finally got out, looking away from you. “You know, the kind of guy you really hate.”

“That’s you,” you joked.

“I know I can’t do anything,” Jungkook continued, ignoring your quip and you suddenly regretted it, seeing the way he lowered his hands, exhaling slowly. “I am not responsible for anyone else’s behavior but my own.”

Come crawling back to me on your knees when she reaffirms to you that I'll be the best fuck you'll ever have.

She'll never make you feel as good as I can make you feel.

Enjoy your piranha.

“I’m sorry.”

Jungkook looked up at your sudden declaration.

“I’m sorry,” you repeated, coughing awkwardly. “I’m sorry for saying the things I said about her.”

He snorted, shaking his head. “Don’t be. Just because she was in a shit situation doesn’t excuse her for being a shit person.” He shoved the lid into the empty ice cream container and rubbed the back of his neck, pushing his hair back with a sigh. “Just like how it doesn’t excuse me from being a shit person for what I did to you.”

His eyes shifted away.

“You don’t have to–”

“Yeah, I do,” he muttered, cutting you off. “I’m a fucking loser.”

The streetlights began to turn on, but no one was in a place like this, two adults in a place for kids, stuck wondering what adulthood was supposed to feel like because it still felt like an endless cycle of forever learning and forever running, wandering to find out what the finish line meant.

“I wasted time you can’t get back and I will spend the rest of my life chasing the time I wasted.”

Jungkook sucked in a shuddering breath, hand falling from his hair, rueful smile on his face.

“I can only hope you can put up with me for so long.”

You blinked slowly.

He turned his head, brown eyes finding yours, those irises catching the streetlights like how his jewelry had caught the sun, proving that Jeon Jungkook was, indeed, already adorned with nature’s very own jewelry.

You scooped out the last of your red bean ice cream and ate it, looking away from him.

“Sounds like forever,” you remarked, feeling the chilled sweet cool your heated cheeks, swallowing slowly, savoring the way the cold warmed you in its own way.

“Hm?”

“Sounds like I’m stuck with you forever then,” you said, turning back to him with a smirk. “Kinda sucks.”

He smirked back, cocking an eyebrow. “Yeah. Major suck. Speaking of my dick–”

“Oh, shut up.”

But you said it with a smile and he knew you didn’t mean it.

“Why the fuck do you have that?”

“It’s from work. Gimmie your arm.”

“Why?”

You extended your arm, frowning, stopping under the streetlight, one hand on the bike as Jungkook held the black permanent marker with his right hand. He used two fingers to uncap it and tucked the lid neatly into his palm, spinning the marker with the adjacent two fingers to readjust it so that he could write on your arm.

“Do you wanna get a tattoo with me?”

“Of what?”

You looked down to him scribbling on your skin, his own black tattoos standing out, covering his entire right arm and up to his shoulder. You wondered if he would end up tattooing his back and maybe his other arm – but, then again, he kind of needed money to have pay for such large pieces.

“Couples tattoo.”

You looked down when he drew back, grinning, reading the word upside down.

LO♡ER

You raised an eyebrow.

“You want to get ‘lover’ tattooed?” you asked, skeptical, turning your arm this way and that, unsure if you liked the placement on your forearm, near your wrist. “You don’t have any space on your right arm anyway.”

“That’s why I would get it on my left.”

And he curved his wrist to write on the bandage on his left forearm, messily writing on top of it.

LO$ER

Now you raised both eyebrows.

“You want to get… ‘loser’ tattooed onto your body?” you snorted disbelievingly.

Jungkook grinned, recapping the black marker with one hand, tapping the dollar sign on the bandage with the marker lid. “Doesn’t it describe me? ‘Cause I had money, and now I don’t.” He pointed to the heart on your skin. “You love me. I love you. A lover with a dollar sign is a loser, right?”

Laughter and skateboards sped past, five blurs of black along the street, spinning around the parked cars, people yelling after them to stop being so reckless, but you were too busy staring at Jungkook to notice the ruckus, too busy staring at that smile and those brown orbs lit up by streetlights.

“Are you stupid?”

Jungkook’s grin widened, mole underneath clearly visible. “Yeah, kind of. Stupidly in love with you.”

You both instantly pretended to gag, trying to mask your smiles, you shoving him and him shoving back, playful and laughing like mad, falling into him, dropping the bike with a loud clang, swept up in his arms and his kiss, your hands hooking behind his neck, love you, love you, love you, not sure about this whole tattoo idea, but, hell, maybe, just maybe if he annoyed you enough about it.

Shit, the groceries...

Are they still good?

The green onions look kind of wilted, but so do you and you're still good... I think.

Shut up.

You didn't need him, but being without him was like being frozen in time.

Not that you had any big dreams or aspirations anyone could be envious about. It always been like that, casually cruising through life, existing for the sake of existing, no real reason needed. It just was, and there was no reason to stop, so you kept going. The path was there, so you kept walking.

But, then.

Jeon Jungkook.

Jungkook made you run.

It's not washing off.

Tragic.

Easy for you to say, you wrote yours on your bandage, 'loser'.

So terrible that you have 'lover' written in you by your lover - hey, pfft, stop! Put the showerhead down!

It was truly by chance to meet him, a moment of terror and then he was there, yelling, get off her, don't fucking touch her, and you didn't understand, didn't understand why some random guy would suddenly intervene between an interaction of two strangers, how could he sense your discomfort and fear, and now he was throwing fists, brawling with not one but three guys, friends of the one who slipped his phone and his hands under your skirt, the stranger smashing the phone with venomous rage, fighting in a dress shirt, slacks, leather loafers, and expensive-looking rings, giving you a chance to escape.

A winner at life.

Not like you, you who let something happen because you froze up in that second, disbelieving that such a thing could happen to you, a nobody, a loser.

He kicked one of them in the knee, growling, a howl followed by the sharp crack during the fight.

You could turn and escape.

Or?

You heard sirens.

You grabbed your protector's flying fist and clenched into it tightly, panicking.

Run!

This was before the tattoos.

This was before the pain.

This was before the piercing.

Jeon Jungkook had whipped his head around at the foreign touch, in this mess because he had witnessed something disgusting and because he simply wanted to fight, just wanted to beat someone up, wanted to cause real pain to someone because he couldn't control his own life, wanted to fight something.

Needed to fight.

A hand around his hand.

Run!

Never once had Jungkook thought about escape.

Not until he saw that face, fear and panic and rage and determination, stunningly beautiful, hand around his hand, not letting go, pulling, sirens screaming in the distance, his legs already moving, following, running, running, running, into the sea of the unknown.

Sinking into it.

Lungs screaming, clumsily flying through alleys, on wings of adrenaline, running after the girl in the white hoodie and red plaid skirt holding his hand, falling, falling, falling, skidding across the concrete, her arms around his, her head buried into his chest, his hands around her head to protect it, hitting a dumpster with a pained wheeze.

The sirens sped past.

He was holding her and she was holding him.

It was chance.

Just chance.

His hands were scraped up, bleeding from the trip and tumble, her white hoodie dirtied and ripped from the fall, scrapes on her legs and knees.

I'm sorry...

It was ridiculous chance.

Just ridiculous.

You clung to this stranger and laughed, laughed like a maniac, laughed like you had gone mad, crying into his dirty navy dress shirt, thank you, thank you, thank you, not knowing you were holding the one who would make you run, not knowing who or how affluent he was, now knowing of how it felt to hold his hand and kiss his lips and hear his laugh, not knowing how you would introduce him to a friend who was a tattoo artist and start his interest in them, not knowing you would sit by him for long hours and watch the art grow on his skin...

Holding him, crying, thank you, thank you, thank you for saving me, leaning against a dumpster as the stranger hugged you tightly, I got you, it's okay, don't cry, don't cry, don’t cry please, rubbing your back.

Not knowing.

Not knowing he would make you zero, not knowing you would be standing there, time and time again, verbally beaten by his own parents as he looked away, unable to fight.

And you would escape.

You would run.

He would come back.

An endless cycle until you broke it.

Then he started the endless cycle again, broken as it was, his whispers to your cheeks, I love you, cheeks that were dried of tears because you were cried out and left with a mechanical heart, I love you, heart to heartless because of wasted time, I love you, time wasted but you still loved him, no matter what you did.

Did that make you pathetic?

Did that make you stupid?

Did that make you the loser?

I love you.

Why did it matter?

Even winners die.

I love you too, Jungkook.

"Get your hands off my tits."

"Why?"

You glared at him. Jungkook grinned and spun you around, hair still a little damp, kisses on your face that made you cringe as your naked bodies tumbled on the bed, him doing it on purpose, your grumble against his kisses, should have known, his smirk against your scowl, thought you knew me well by now, capturing his lips to shut him up, sinking into his arms and the ocean that was Jeon Jungkook, the one who made you want to run through the maze of life instead of aimlessly walk down the path.

His hands on your face, staring into your eyes.

You looked back, into those eyes that once had everything, but you.

And yet, he chose to lose it all and have nothing, but you.

It didn't really make sense, being in love.

You searched for regret, but there was none to be found.

"Am I forever your waste of time?" Jungkook whispered, breath drifting over your lips.

You smirked.

"Always was and always will be."

I know you said I was a waste of time. But I was your waste of time and that was all I ever wanted to be.

"Let me at least..."

"Ah, f-fuck, Jungkook!"

Your hands faltered a little, rolling the condom down while biting your lip, gasping as his two fingers plunged into you, him moaning at the wetness, thrusting slowly and deeply.

"What, you think I can't feel good with only your dick?"

"No," Jungkook snickered, pulling his slick fingers out of your pussy and bringing them to his face, cocking an eyebrow. "Just want a taste."

You rolled your eyes as he shoved his fingers into his mouth, sucking them off, eyelids fluttering.

"You're so annoying."

He grinned around his fingers, slowly pulling them out and tracing his wet lips.

You narrowed your eyes.

You don't have to take me back. I understand now, you know... I get it. Everyone... everyone will tell you you're crazy and to not to take me back.

I'm not taking you anywhere.

I... I wouldn't blame you. I promise.

Jungkook, please, shut the fuck up.

Your hands on his chest, smacking your hips down, his head thrown back on the pillows, breathless moan at your tightness, matching his sound with your own, stretching yourself out and feeling him swell even more at the pulse of your walls wrapped around him, rolling your hips into his, wet, intense smacks, his right hand flying up and wrapping around your left wrist, watching you through his lashes with effort, losing himself in your pace, no need to ask because you could see it in his face, his open mouth and glazed over eyes, fingers slipping down, curling your nails into his skin.

“P… Please…”

Raking your nails down his chest, his back arching and eyes closing, groaning in pleasure and pain, fucking him into your mattress so hard that the bedframe squealed, setting your jaw and closing your eyes too, savoring his fullness and thickness, sinking into the ocean of pleasure that was Jeon Jungkook, the one who made you feel like no one else, the one who could make and unmake your mechanical heart, funny how that worked, your nails in his skin creating crescents of lust, your eyes snapping open as you felt his chest rise, his back arching, his hands flat on the bed and thrusting his hips up into you, one eye partly open, black hair pushed back, open-mouthed smirk on his lips.

That dark brown orb partly obscured by his lashes, but revealing all to you.

You ticked your chin at him.

“Look at me.”

His eyes fully opening, pupils dilated, hazed over with lust and stubborn love.

“Nothing is more important to me than loving you,” he panted before sinking his teeth into his lower lip, mole underneath flashing, smacking his hips up into yours hard and fast, and it took no time at all, staring at his face and the way the moonlight cradled his strong jaw and toned muscle, catching the low light and bringing out the fervor in his gaze, filling you just right, pleasure blossoming from your core and yet concentrated tightly at the same time, moan of his name falling from your lips, spilling out from your lips and in between your legs, covering him with the sweet scent and harsh squeezes of orgasm, even wetter now, his eyes rolling back, cock twitching, satisfied hiss of your name spilling out with spurts of cum filling the condom, his length shivering inside you, your thighs closing in and holding him in the air so you could feel it all.

His pleasure and him.

I won’t make it to heaven. I don’t belong there.

It’s not like I belong there either, Jungkook.

Are you sure? Only an angel would take me back.

I didn’t take you back. Only your body walked away. Your heart never left me, did it?

“You sure you don’t want to get a couples tattoo with me?”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around how your dumb ass wants to get ‘loser’ tattooed and how you think that’s romantic.”

He pressed his right forearm against your left and grinned, watching you suck in a breath as he pushed into you again, other condom already in the trash, new one on, your right leg against his chest, sandwiched between your bodies.

“But yeah, if you want, I’ll get a ‘lover’ tattoo.”

He paused, blinking rapidly. “Really?”

You raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? Why not?”

“You never wanted a tattoo before.”

Now you raised both eyebrows. “Did you ever ask me before?”

Jungkook looked down at you, hair a mess, smile blossoming on his face, somewhere between giddiness and mania, diving down and showering you with kisses, you smacking his arms and telling him, you’re bending me in half, the fuck are you doing, and he laughed, lifting both your legs now, I’ll show you bent in half, placing them between his arms, leaning down, sinking in as deep as possible, your moan and his moan mixing together.

You’re still here.

Of course, I am, this is my fucking apartment. Ugh, your black eye looks even uglier than before.

You don’t… you don’t want me to leave?

Did I say that? Uh… why are you crying?

F… Forget I said a-anything…

Hey, stop. Don’t cry. Don’t cry, Jungkook, please…

“Fuck, you feel so good, fuck…!”

Your hands in his hair, teasing grin on your face, and he was looking down at you, I love your smug smile, fuck, your fingers combing through his hair, pushing it back and away from his face, letting him see your smug smile without any obstructions, you always fuck me so well, Jungkook, the smile breaking out over his handsome features, breathing erratic and labored, hard and rough and deep, you rising your hips to meet him for every loud smack, exhales and moans blending together, tight, wet, full, your grip on his hair tightening, closer, closer, racing to the edge of the cliff and the edge of the world, Jungkook in your hands, taking him with you, or was he the one who was leading you?

“Jungkook…”

Breathless as if you were running, winded from the pleasure, tightening around him, his head lowering, your name washing over your cheeks in a hot gasp, putting more weight on you, nearly folded in half but it felt better this way, gratifying in how hard he could fuck you in this position, staring into those dark brown orbs, his body on yours, knowing he was yours, always was, always will be, and you were his, always was, always will be.

Head pressing into the pillows, moaning his name again, loud and unashamed, the overwhelming feeling taking over, muscles tense and nerves on fire, pouring it all into the pleasure, pulsing around his jerking length, his moan of your name on your skin, shooting shivering strings of cum into the condom, massaged and milked by the strength of your orgasm, locking him in your embrace and his arms closing in, lips on lips, a fierce kiss dominated by shuddering aftershocks, trembling in each other’s hold and taking the other’s breath away, blazing hot all over even though this frozen world cared about no one.

The kiss lasted a long, long time.

It fell apart slowly, leaving you both lightheaded from the intensity.

“You’re a waste of time, Jungkook,” you whispered, heated. “But you’re my time.”

The side of his lips quirked upward, sweaty, panting, chuckling.

“That’s all I ever wanted to be.”

masterpost

#jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #jungkook smut #bts smut #jungkook fluff #jungkook fanfic #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook x you

404 notes · View notes