#and i left myself a week between the jobs because i need to adjust to waking up much earlier and also i just need a break

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Guess who's turning in their two week's notice today??!?

[muse-matrix]

So... It's been a while since I last logged in here. Longer still since I properly did... much of anything here, outside of a few scattered posts. Part of me had been kinda dreading coming back here but looking at when my activity really dramatically dropped off, I think I understand what happened.

So, way back in february of last year, I was bouncing between a lot of things. I was running around doing a bunch of stuff to try and secure a new job, and I did manage that- A big component of my not being here was just me adjusting to having to work again, after being unemployed for almost an entire year. It was tough to get the right structure going, but I managed it. And despite starting college just a couple weeks ago, I've mostly managed that too so far, I think.

But that isn't... the main reason why. Probably. I think.

You see, what else happened in february, was that I got booted from a community I'd been a part of for years. It encompassed my involvement in a card game I loved, as well as the FF14 free company I'd been part of at the time. Someone who was, at one time, a good friend of mine misinterpreted something, and was so incensed by it, they took some things I said out of context and absolutely slandered me to the mod team of that community. (Yes, it actually is as bad as it sounds. I checked.) As a result, I was privately labeled some pretty nasty things, and shunted from their discord server without so much as a word. None of them would speak to me, none of them would even give me a chance to tell my side of things.

Obviously, that stung. A lot.

It had me pretty dejected about a lot of stuff, for a really long time. Probably why I mostly got off of here- I retreated to a different blog where there was less pressure (self-imposed) and more freedom for me to just, kinda, do whatever I wanted without fear or worry. I needed space and freedom to move myself around how I wanted for a while. And then that led to me feeling bad about not coming back here, which made me put off coming back here even longer... You see where this goes.

But at this point, it's been a year and a half. I'm pretty much over that fiasco, I haven't spoken to any of those people since, and they've evidently been content to leave it alone too, given I haven't had any mobs of angry pitchfork-wielding card game players coming after me.

And recently, Kako came back! She's RPing again and that's fun to see. I know a lot of you I've still been in contact with regardless, her included, so most of you probably are already aware of a lot of this stuff, but writing all this out is part of my process, so bear with it. The important thing is, after a lot of time and thinking about things, and seeing friends return to RPing and watching things happen from afar... God, do I want to get back into it with you all.

I very likely still won't be super active, but I'm going to at least try to be consistent. This is supposed to be my main, after all. I'll probably take the next week or so to clean up the muse list, cut a bunch of stuff, get a bit more focused and the like. Not that I'll actually stop playing any given muse- I'm wont to flip-flop between characters I enjoy, and I'm loathe to let fun interactions pass me by just because a character 'isn't on my muse list', but I ought to give myself a bit of structure, at least.

So... I'll try to be here every day, at least. Even if it's just to check in. This'll be a fresh start for me, I'd say, not that any of my old lore or whatever is getting abandoned. It's just... It's been a long time. It'll take some easing back into things for me, so I'm not even going to worry about whatever asks have been left to rot in my inbox, stuff like that.

Given it's been such a long time, some of you may... have blogs that I'm not currently following, cause I've missed them or what have you. So uh, if that's the case, please shoot me a message so I can correct that.

[bi-bard]

Such Careful Words That We Can Barely Speak Out Loud - Kaz Brekker Imagine [Shadow & Bone]

Title: Such Careful Words That We Can Barely Speak Out Loud

Pairing: Kaz Brekker X Reader

Based On: The Sea of Atlas

Word Count: 804 words

Warning(s): brief mention of a shit family, Kaz is emotionally unavailable

Summary: The Crows return from their latest job. With Kaz back in Ketterdam, (Y/n) sees no better time for them to discuss what had happened before he left.

Author's Note: This took far too fucking long.

Part One of "June" [Release Date: 7/3/2023]

Part Two of "June" [Release Date: 7/5/2023]

YEARBOOK - SLEEPING AT LAST WRITING CHALLENGE MASTERLIST

-------------------------

I had no true way of knowing when the rest of the Crows were coming back.

I didn't think about that until after Kaz had run out of my home after kissing me. I could have gone days or weeks without getting to have a conversation about the moment between us. Or, worst case scenario, I never got to see him or the other Crows again because the job went completely wrong. And I would never know about it. I would just be left entirely alone with no answers.

I would never fully shake that feeling until there was a knock on my door.

For the third time, Kaz had found his way to my doorstep. Yet this time felt so incredibly different that it felt like the first time.

"Hi," I said. I had a million thoughts going through my head at the time, but that was all that I could get out at the time.

"Hi," he replied. I wondered if he was in the same place as me.

I stepped to the side and let him walk inside. I scanned my eyes along him as he passed. I was expecting more obvious bruises and wounds. They could possibly be hidden by his suit.

"The job went well," he explained without me asking. "Everyone is safe."

I nodded. "Good."

He said that for my sake. He knew my propensity for worrying excessively.

"Did you meet my family?"

"Briefly," he nodded. "When we first walked in, your uncle was greeting the guests. He made sure that he was well known."

I took a deep breath.

"I didn't make myself known," he added. "For your sake."

"What happened to vengeance in my honor?"

"I was prepared to kill him," Kaz confessed. "But I realized that such an act was for you to choose. I had no right to take that from you."

"I see."

"I did find something." he reached into his pocket. When he held out his hand again, there was a brooch sitting in his palm. "There was a room that didn't look like it had been changed in years. I assumed..."

I reached out and took the brooch. "It was my brother's."

"I thought that it would be sufficient for the time being."

I grinned. "Thank you."

He nodded his head once. "I should go-"

"I'd rather you didn't," I stopped him. "We... We need to talk about what happened, Kaz."

He inhaled sharply.

"I can't go back to what we were... I can't pretend that nothing happened."

His eyes left mine, but he made no move to leave at all. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I wanted to be able to hear whatever fear was going through his head. I wanted to know what he was worried about. Because I knew that my mind was riddled with those fears.

"I care about you," I continued, trying to ignore the terrified feeling filling my stomach. "Greatly. I have for a very long time. And I... I am terrified of how I feel about you. I just know that there is every possibility that I will go mad if I ignore it any longer.

"I don't know what you want or how you feel or if that kiss meant anything to you at all. I just... I need to know where we are now."

I glanced down and saw his hand adjust on the top of his cane.

I had spent the last few days thinking about this event. I thought of every single way that this could happen. I thought about what would happen if he ran away again, if he just never showed up, if he told me that he felt the same way as me. It had all played through my head. Some part of me thought that having that mental image would help me more in the long run. It didn't. I was still just as scared as I had been the day that he had stormed out.

I sat in that silence with Kaz until I felt my eyes burning and as if my lungs were struggling to take in air. "I'm sorry. You can go-"

"I do care for you," he cut me off. It was quiet, so full of fear that I could feel the weight sitting on his shoulders. "More than I can explain."

It was ten words. I had heard him say more about a job. And yet, it was easily the most vulnerable I had ever seen him.

I felt a grin forming on my lips. I didn't need anything more from him. That was enough for me. I was certain that we would find more words in time.

And I was right.

All that was needed was for us to be incredibly careful about which words we chose.

-------------------------

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[fledglingmaster]

I'm not at 100% but I am on the mend. I drone on under the cut. I mean I really do. If you read thank you, if not it helps just to get everything out. My dental care the past year has been seriously traumatic.

I had an inflamed tooth that was extracted yesterday. After needing to be extracted for a week. I have medication for pain and infection. Though opioids never seem to help much. Last night I was able to get some sleep and I can chew again. My body has a lot to repair still.

This experience was a blessing in disguise, as odd as it may sound. For those who don't know, I am disabled. Sadly not in the legal sense. I can't get government support, yet I can't work a steady job because of my conditions. To put it plainly, I'm broke and must take what is given. I was without health insurance for a few years before I got medicaid. Medicaid does provide dental care, that is if you can find someone that takes it and is accepting new clients. It took over a year to find someone that was willing to take me on.

My current dentist has been a nightmare. The receptionist is obviously someone who has never struggled with money or her health. The queen bee type even though she must be in her 40s, low-key Karen. She treats everyone as if they are stupid and is extremely judgemental. Though not a major problem, dealing with her reminds me of all the girls that bullied me in my school years. That's still a sore spot for me.

The dental assistant can't take a proper x-ray. I'm not exaggerating when I say every x-ray needs at least 4 attempts. One time it took 7 tries. There is a major communication issue. I spent 15 minutes on the phone with her explaining that my filling fell out and that I can see the hole in my tooth. I don't know what she wrote down but no one knew I was coming in to have a filling redone. She is the go between for the front desk and the doctor and no one knows what's really going on. Every time I have work done she about waterboards me. She also is out of synch with the doctor. The doctor has to prompt her and even then sometimes she doesn't do what she needs to. They usually fight with each other. She is a nice person, but I feel she isn't qualified to do what she's doing.

The doctor is...something. When she isn't doing work on me she is okay and listens to me. When she's doing work she's no non-sense, which I respect, but it doesn't help my anxiety. She tells me to not fight her and to keep my head still. (I'm sorry, I can't breathe and I'm trying to not die but okay. Besides I barely moved, but now you can't see what you're doing because this place is lit worse than Dracula's castle.) She has me bend my neck back in an unnatural position that makes it difficult to breathe. I'm getting blasted with water going down my throat. I'm not completely numbed out, yet I get trigeminal neuralgia that I have to deal with for a week. (That has happened twice.) My tongue will be cut and/or burnt. I've had my lip and chin sliced as well. The entire time I feel like she's either going to yell at me or give up and say, "I can't work on you." I'm good at reading people and I can sense her frustration.

As mentioned, the lighting in there is terrible. The overhead light isn't adjustable or very bright. The chair doesn't allow for the head to gently fall back, hence the awkward pinch neck/pinned back head position that you have to hold. They don't let me see my x-rays or explain things in layman's terms. I haven't memorized teeth numbers as I didn't know that was a skill I needed. They can't seem to say 1st molar on the bottom left, just tooth 19 and I'm supposed to know which one that is. Communication over all is poor. They don't offer a print out of treatment plans so I can just figure it out myself. Their x-rays can't tell them if I need a root canal done on teeth or not. Which reminds me, they don't do root canals because they don't have the machine. They're impossible to get a hold of, they literally don't answer the phone. You have to leave a message and wait for them to get back to you. They don't have an emergency line meanwhile they are closed friday-sunday. Every time I go there I leave feeling stupid, worthless, and ugly. But, they're the only place I can go to for free and I have a lot of dental issues. End background origin.

So less than a year ago I had a filling done. It never sat right, it was overfilled, it hurt, eventually there was a gap, in Dec it fell out, 1 out of 10 bad. They had to redo it and made it sound like it was my fault it fell out. As they worked on me the tool broke. It was an interchangeable part but the new piece didn't fit. So they had to try to get the old one to work again, which they did. But if they couldn't get it working I guess I would just have to deal with an even bigger hole in my tooth for who knows how long. They told me if the pain lasts longer than 2 weeks to tell them. 2 weeks go by and I'm feeling pretty good. Slight soreness, but for a deep filling seems okay. 2 weeks and 3 days later, oh this actually hurts...but it is a major filling, the other one was like this and the pain went away after a few additional weeks. I thought it was part of the healing process as I've heard deep fillings take longer to heal and can be more painful than small ones. A couple more days, holy shit this pain is bad! I need my tooth pulled! I call and get no response, I email and get nothing, I even showed up in person and they were closed. Which is why I didn't get a response. It was during business hours on thursday. They're going to be closed all weekend. I considered going to the ER, but there isn't much they can do besides pain meds while there and antibiotics. I'm in the worst pain of my life. (This is coming from someone who walked on a broken foot for a month before finally admitting to myself it was broke and I should get medical help. I know pain.) Not only that I am worried about infection.

My mom gets and pays for my appointment at a local dentist for the following day as they do emergency appointments even for new clients. They happen to be running a deal this month and the cost ends up $19 for a full consult and extensive x-rays. Which they want to do before doing any work, understandable. Everyone there is pleasant, there's zero judgement. The place is well lit, too bright for me but absolutely needed for them. There is laughing and jokes between the staff. I get my x-rays first. None of them had to be redone. They also can tell which teeth need root canals. Everyone there listened to me and was sympathetic. When I told them my dentist didn't do root canals they were shocked. They showed me my x-rays and explained exactly what was going on with all of my teeth using layman's terms. They gave me multiple options far as saving teeth vs extractions. I told them with how much work was done on the one tooth and how much it hurt, I just wanted it gone. I was reassured that missing one tooth shouldn't cause me problems and all my bottom teeth looked good. They didn't mention how they were overcrowded, just they were healthy. They talked about my top teeth...yeah a lot of work still on those. But they can give me my smile back. I had a couple accidents which have cost me 2 teeth already, a baby tooth that needs to go, and now a days 3 that have major cavities that I could lose. All of which is, well depressing, but I was aware of it all already so it wasn't a shock. A lot of factors have gone in to my teeth but many people see missing teeth and judge. Even if they didn't I feel ugly. The past three years I haven't smiled much and I avoid photos to the point that people comment how great I am at dodging photos. My grandma felt bad and was willing to pay for an implant for my front tooth. Though I still would be missing a lot and thus still feel unattractive. For around the same price I can get a partial denture and have all my missing teeth filled in. My other dentist never gave me that option and wanted to push a bridge that would cost that only covered some of the back teeth. I already planned to go back just for the partial at some point but the extraction sealed the deal.

While they don't take medicaid, they do have a discount program that has a yearly fee of a little over $100. I signed up and already saved $330 on the extraction. Technically $230 if you subtract the yearly fee. It will knock down the price of the denture too. All work gets a discount. It's not free but it's about as cheap as you can get.

Extraction day I'm numbed out and wow am I numb! It's then that it hits me. I never felt that numb for work at the other dentist even with them doing more shots than what was done there. The chair lets my head fall back and I don't have to do the kink neck thing. I can breathe normally. They move the light and it adjusts. It's blindingly bright and they give me sunglasses to wear. The two of them moved so well together I could swear the doctor just had four hands. Anytime he said he needed a tool or suction, she had it covered. She did spurts of water and suctioned it out, none went down my throat. He kept telling me how good I was doing. He apologized a few times and when I alerted him to my tmj hurting on the opposite side he supported my jaw. I know my head moved just because of the force of everything. That wasn't an issue for them. Zero injuries to my tongue or face. Unfortunately, I did still have pain, but I know without a doubt I had the least amount of pain possible. He asked if I wanted any meds, another thing that my other dentist never offers. They are open more hours AND they have an emergency line that can be called.

It was night and day. I felt safe and I was treated like a human being. I will have to talk to my grandma and see if she will support me in getting most of my work done there. I will use the other place to get my two crowns covered and an easy extraction, the baby tooth, then goodbye forever. It's like feeling real love after being in an abusive relationship. I can't believe how I was treated. Maybe if I was in prison I could understand it. Even then I think it's still inhumane. I got a deep cleaning done at the new place as well as some preventative care. There are so many more people there and all of them are friendly and caring. 10/10

I cancelled my cleaning for the other dentist and they got back to me instantly. Hmm...okay, you don't like me cancellin, yet you don't do anything to keep me around. They actually got back to me the night before my extraction. While I was waiting on them I got antibiotics and an appointment for the extraction within a few days. I'm sure with them it would have been a week or more I'd have to deal with the pain.

This discount thing I have apparently has something with vision care as well. My eye care is a very similar story...I should see if walmart takes it because I went to them for years and never had an issue. Well besides the air puff machine punching my eye. That was a one-off thing. This other place, nothing but problems. When you have medicaid you're treated like shit. At least my doctor-doctors and specialists are all wonderful.

[fundielicious-simblr]

A Belated Easter & Passover & Eid Mubarak! Hello to all the new followers and long time no see to the OGs 😂

It seems I've gone on an accidental sabbatical from posting on here, which definitely wasn't meant to happen, but between work and life moving unnecessarily fast I didn't have enough free time to sit and play. What I have been doing, however, is putting together a nice healthy queue of posts because I had a teeny bit of writer's block that resolved itself in time. I was meant to restart posting this passed friday actually, but I ended up having loads of Eid plans so I was out and about all day (I'm in not muslim but celebrate it culturally)

In the meantime, I realised I've hit 200 followers! That in itself is a miracle considering how stagnant this account gets. I've been quietly reading the other blog updates and am keeping myself entertained on the various other fundie sim blogs, I love seeing the new ones popping up to join us in this mini community we've created. Because I enjoy complicating my life, I've decided that I don't like the current tumblr theme I'm using and will be restructuring everything as well as updating character info. That will definitely be a work in progress.

When I last left off was pre-harvestfest in my sim world, so these posts coming will be Harvestfest posts, which I feel is good because they should serve as reminders (or introductions) to the characters that feature on here. The plan is to post every other day so I don't feel like I'm running to fill up the queue after. The infant update came as I was like 6 posts in, so there's a bit of an adjustment I've made for the age spans i've calculated, but essentially i'm just cutting the newborn stage in half because ain't no way i'm doing all those calculations again.

Here is the family tree with all the details, the character pages on the blog won't work because of the restructuring. I've updated most of the character pages on the family tree, there's some spoilers so read at your own risk. The rest I either haven't taken the time to copy and paste my character notes, or just don't have anything written at all 😂

The main aim was to post this on the 21st of April, but time gets away from me (and I also realised the family tree needed major updates so that took a week) so this is going up 1st May. I recently resigned from my job so my schedule looks very different, but I'm planning to do 2 professional qualifications back to back so I have no idea how much time I'll have once I've started - so for now I'm trying to allocate as much time to do this before I have none left.

[navire190413]

i am exhausted. i really need to stop drinking so much. i almost didnt make it into work today just because i wanted to sleep more. probably since i've been going to bed around 2 every night. i really gotta adjust my life style soon or i feel like there will be serious consequences somehow.

ive been considering giving up on x-chan. its been 4 months since we broke up, and then 3 months as "friends", where we're just doing this stupid game of ohhh we like eachother so much one week then dont like each other the next week, repeat. we met up after work yesterday and went to 神田 to go to 神田屋. idk why we even went there, x-chan hates chain izakayas. we only had one drink then decided to walk to 秋葉原。we found another chain izakaya to go to since they allow smoking at your seat. usually when we're together he always holds my hand, but he didnt reach for it at all last night, so i didnt reach for his either. i felt like, oh maybe its actually over now and we're just actually going to act like friends and not be all ラブラブ like we are most of the time. 

we left pretty early after having 2 mega lemon sours and some food. he was exhausted from work and was basically falling asleep at the table. we said bye and didnt kiss or anything. i went to my usual bar for a drink or two before going home. most of the usual people were there but i mostly just drank by myself and played with my phone. i was too exhausted and over thinking everything to even try to communicate in japanese. 

i texted x-chan while i was there saying i wanted to hold his hand earlier but didnt know if it was okay or not so i refrained. he told me its always okay and he likes when i do it, so i guess i will from now on. i also told him i still like him and after i got drunk i asked him to please tell me if he ever starts talking to a girl romantically so i can stop pursuing him out of respect for the both of them. he agreed, so i guess i should stop worrying about if he's talking to anyone until he tells me he is. 

my old drinking buddy ended up coming to the bar while i was there and we drank until 11:30, which is why im so fucking exhausted today. he's american from texas and has been in japan for less than a year. he's kind of sort of studying japanese but he hasnt really made much progress lately haha. he teaches english and is stuck in that terrible cycle. i couldnt do it. all of the people i know who are english teachers are miserable and on the verge of offing themselves. the pay is too low and their hours too long and they have weird ass fucking contracts with barely any time off. i definitely got lucky when i decided to go to language school. but also extremely lucky i had the means to save up for it and afford it. i love japan but i dont love it enough to become an english teacher just for a visa. i would absolutely move back to the states before i even considered teaching english as a job. which is why i was so panicked the entire time i was job hunting. 

im sure if i didnt come to work today it would have been fine, but i had a cold two weeks ago and something about me missing 3 days of work in a month when i just got my work visa 2 months ago doesnt sit right with me. i got ready in 10 minutes today so i could sleep in the max amount of time possible and didnt even bother with makeup. i really gotta get my shit togetherrrrrrr. x-chan also doesnt want to drink as much anymore and wants to save money, so if i stop hanging out with him as much i wont be drinking as much or spending as much money either. but if i dont hang out with him as much, he'll start hanging out with other girls! i dont think he will but my ocd is killing me. i want to give up so bad. i tried my hardest to make things right between us, but they keep going from good to bad and then from bad to good and i am frankly emotionally exhausted. he texted ME good morning today, and that made me more happy than it should have. i need to stop wasting my emotional resources on this and focus on myself. its so hard. 

i think im gonna go pray at a temple this weekend. it usually helps me clear my head and i feel like my luck usually turns around when i do. fighting the urge to look up 縁結び祈願 temples because i should pray about getting my life together, not getting back with x-chan haha. i typed this then immediately invited him to go with me.

i do the money management and accounting at my job. im still being trained on how they like their stuff organized and how to do everything the right way in japan. japan's tax system is so complicated compared to how "streamlined" it is in the states. also having to add up big amounts of money here is kind of comical. so many 0's. so. many. 0's. also dont ask me to say any number larger than 999万円 outloud because it takes me like 10 seconds to count from the end of the number and backwards to understand if its 万 or 億.

i need to go shooting soon. i have a photo series in mind, but it requires me being out all night long until like 6am, and i dont feel comfortable doing it alone since random men always approach me when im by myself so im kind of relying on my friends to go with me. i also keep blowing off my friends to hangout and try to woo x-chan. my life is a mess. i also need to study instead of drinking every night. and i need to not go to the bar as much so i can save up to move. and and and and. and i need to buy more film for my camera. and i want to play pokemon in my free time. and i need to study more japanese grammar for my job because im forgetting a lot of it now that im not going to school everyday. and and and and. i need to go to the grocery store after work today.

yesterday on my way to the station after work, there was a guy puking on the sidewalk. first thought was, okay gross? and at 5:30? kind of fucking early to be hammered… then i looked at his vomit and it was a giant amount of unchewed ramen noodles. like. so so so much. we made eye contact and that man was in PAIN. i wonder if he just overate or something instead of being drunk 😂 that image of those fucking noodles will stay with me forever.

i need to do laundry and clean my room when i get home tonight.

[linkware]

Today i got a meeting bc my numbers were low for a second day in a row and when i mentioned that id probably be faster if i wasnt experiencing A Pain in my body and he mentioned that i could go home but itd be another occurance and then said "the two excuses i hear the most are pain and the freight being bad, and from the looks of it youre fine and the freight is too" like im sorry i havent had a period in 6 months and i think my uterus is trying to invert itself inside of my body. Be nice to me before i explicitly describe what that feels like in detail to you and we both have to go to HR about it!!! But switching happened after to handle the Emotions and i asked him to do a random safety audit on me without telling me and i passed just fine so he said as long as i keep a steady pace through the night like i did when he audited ill be fine and we got the number back higher.

I still have to think about my job as a combination of school and salmon run to survive it but whatever works for me i guess. Have to be here i go on break when they tell me and i have to meet a quota.

I get praise if i meet it and a passive agressive talking to if i dont. This is so mr grizz coded. Also its stupid to expect 100% productivity when you, yourself, said that it takes roughly 6 weeks to get your body adjusted to the constant movement and ive been here for FOUR. And only 2 weeks actually doing things in my area hands on. Which is 7 days bc i havent worked tomorrow. Thays bananas and i think its silly so idc.

Also the rule that "if you need to rearrange a box so it fits then you packed it too full" is really stupid and i dont follow it because if i have a big cardboard box sitting on all of the smaller ones it wont fit but if i just move everything on top of it its fine. It literally takes less time than closing a partially full box bc that takes me longer than just dumping the box onto the line, putting the big item in, then putting stuff back ontop AND THEN closing the box. I can easily put more in this box without going over the handle. You want me to make a wasted movement to prevent a different one. I am very proud of my ability to follow rules unless they are stupid and no one can give me a better answer than "um its just the rules" like. Okay then unless its like some actual problem im gonna keep doing it suck my peanits.

I am also considering just giving myself a lunch budget for the workweek instead of prepping lunch bc i actually cannot handle doing the dishes during the week bc before work and after work is my only free time </3 i dont want to touch something gross or wet </3 ill do the trash or sweep or clean A Surface but dishes is no so tomorrow morning im gonna knock them out so i can enjoy the weekend and stuff cuz im gonna cook alot of tomato and feta to freeze sauce abd i can sense the dishes already

Overall today was mid. Again. And one of my coworkers i thought was nice put his two weeks in but i figured hed prolly get fired soon cause hes taken off more than hes worked so hes def out of PTO and u only get two absences/occurances in ur 90 day/orange vest (im at 1 out of 2 en and im scared idk how he does it) and his brother bit the snot out of his arm and left a huge bite wound while on meth and he lost custody (tbf his apartment is getting demolished due to rain damage... but from what he said he shouldve gotten it instead but im a bystabder in all of this. I hope the kid has a nice life she doesnt deserve to be between the drama her parents have)

I think is freakeng weed time bc im sooo emotions still. And i have an edible for edible + park tome so im Considering tomorrow taking it and going to the park around 5 am for a Magical Time with the sunrise

[steamishot]

overwhelm

it took me like 2-3 days to recover from all the traveling/red eye flight and another few days to adjust back to NYC.

work has been really busy - i haven't had the chance to sneak out this week like i normally do! wednesday, i had my first performance evaluation with my director. prior years were with my manager. it was the first 1:1 meeting we had since he offered me the new role. my director is really chill (chill to the point where he's not always on top of his duties, lol, similar to me) and only said good things about me. he left great ratings/comments on my evaluation and talked about increasing my salary and delegating new responsibilities to me. from experience, i think what he is saying will be true, but it will likely take a long time to execute, lol. i've informed him of my move back and will hash out the going into office details later.

they finally hired a new girl for my old position after more than half a year. it's going to take her weeks to get access and complete training for the systems we use - so far, i'm still doing everything and during busy season as well.

yesterday, i finally had a much needed crying session. i felt so overwhelmed with everything: the job search, job obtainment, contract reviews, decision making, car purchase, socializing with everyone, work, traveling and emotionally/mentally taking in all the upcoming changes and logistics: cross country move, how do we get all our shit from NYC to LA, 1 car vs 2, new work for matt, return to office for me, relationship progression, new apartment search, saying bye to my NYC friends, adulting, etc.

i felt depressed and upset after arriving back in NYC. matt had gotten sick (thanks to my niece) and he immediately went to work night shifts. on top of that, he informed me that his next on week will be working 10 days straight, and that he'll have to work night shifts on the july 4th week. until today, we have not processed this whole move together! his schedule is really driving me nuts. i feel incomplete and alone navigating this whole thing on my own currently, waiting for him to mentally catch up.

it also was depressing that i went from having family everywhere/ a full house (extra special time because my TX cousins are still visting at my parents house) and fun social events almost daily to being by myself again. i had a lot of FOMO seeing my family continually gathering up. also, my mom is my main support system and i call her whenever i'm alone, especially on night shifts, but she's pretty unavailable this week due to hosting.

there was an awkward friend event planning this week. L is leaving NYC end of this month. S, who isn't that close to L but knows her updates through me, suggested that we have a farewell thing. L reached out to both me and S separately to plan a lunch. instead of leaving it at that, S decided to revitalize an old group chat between her, L, me and A asking to hangout. the last message in the group was a happy new year from 2023. L told her she wasn't planning on inviting A and didn't respond in the chat. i also wasn't keen on meeting up with A, since she's now demoted to acquaintance/stranger status lol. L, S and i basically haven't kept in touch with A. however, after over a month, L decided to respond in the group chat asking to meet for lunch on 6/8 and both S & A were up for it.

i was feeling dead/emotional from all the recent events and did not want to meet up with A who tends to be inquisitive and a tad judgmental. i dreaded the idea of feigning interest and catching her up with the last 1.5 years that we didn't talk (also knowing i am moving away, i didn't see a point in rekindling a friendship). so, i ended up backing out. since i wasn't going, S didn't feel like going either because then it felt like "3 acquaintances who don't really know each other meeting up". long story short, the plans fell through lol. for now it does feel a bit ingenuine with A, but since plans were already ignited, we're going through with a comedy show in a couple of weeks.

health: i have not had any blood in my stool since 5/7, thank goodness! however, due to my restrictions in diet and traveling/eating mostly home-cooked foods/stress, i have lost weight. i was almost 120lb before going to LA. i reached a low of 113 and i'm currently trying to get back up. that means i need to be more active and less restrictive of my diet. my brother also got a colonoscopy that was clear, so that is a relief.

ceramics: after missing two sessions, i attended ceramics class today and spent most of the time trimming. my one bowl is turning out kinda nice, lol! the teacher is pretty hands-off, due to the larger class size and varying skill levels. everyone is working on different things. i felt less depressed after attending class. it reminded me of the purpose/fulfillment i have here, along with yoga classes. it just takes time to adjust as my lifestyles seem completely different.

[rufusx2]

thinking more of my "autumn headspace" so to speak a thing that happens within me only during the autumn season typically end of august to mid october in which my mind is completely free of my material shackles and i become completely and totally convinced that i can become a different person overnight i am overcome with not only a want for life and a hope for the future but i actually do make changes and i feel things much more deeply than usual, but with an air of detachment from it as if i am not quite out of body but definitely not in it either. a sort of overlap between us both? i dont recall much but i remember crying at night but being so fervent during the day. jaw clenching and shaking and buzzing with that energy. in fact i would honestly describe it as more of a high energy phase than anything else- i would be genuinely unstoppable if i could trigger it on purpose, or choose to live like that permanently. it feels as if there is a haze of gold placed over my vision when i look back in my memories. and this with comes the burning need to walk and keep my body moving. during this time a coworker described be as a "busy body" and he was absolutely right. when i was a teenager this would manifest in me going on hours-long bike rides until i could taste blood in my mouth from moving so fast, and now i wander the nearby neighborhoods turning on random corners until i can't walk any more. i am like a shark compelling to swim and i just can't stop. and it is amazing. i think so many things and while i still think while i walk it's always a bit duller now. i remember walking out in the autumn not caring if i had work later and not adjusting my hair or bothering to check my posture. i would stare at myself in the shadow i left on the sidewalk only. of course i also at one point felt as if the blank walls of my bedroom were going to swallow me up but i have posters up now. i think up countless ideas, and can only try to match that intensity and continue my projects during the rest of the year. i rarely think of new ideas in spring summer or winter. and the thing about fall i think is not just the general "vibe" of it all. because i could easily replicate that by watching over the garden wall or listening to my Autumn bands or putting up my halloween stuff at different times of year. but i think the crispness of the air and the leaves falling off the trees and the relief of being over with summer fuels me. i go for walks in spring sure but the warmth and wetness of the air distracts me from falling into this. while it rains in autumn, it's dry whenever it isn't (which is why it's part of wildfire season). but going back to my detachment. i find it freeing. of course i am still plagued by daily anxieties, but it's more manageable i suppose? or at least, it doesn't happen as frequently. but the main thing that brings me artistic inspiration (or at least, HAS brought me artistic inspiration for this project specifically), is this idea of the Ideal self. how i can become a new person, and change who i am fundamentally. it's futile of course, but for the duration of this phase i really do do it. and i know i'm doing it because other people like me more. every job i have ever had, i got hired in autumn. i am calmer. i think differently. i do things that i cannot do otherwise. and i try so hard to keep this up but i just cant. again, not in my nature. but i feel as if i can change my nature during those few short months a year. and i feel less trapped by this body. and of course this can tip very quickly into self hatred which i have gone into before on this blog (it's what is meant by 'WWJD' and killing the old self to be reincarnated as the new self) but i still cannot help but wish i knew how to trigger it. what drugs can do this to you? i would trade this sober mind for her any day of the week.

[blissfullybloomed]

Good Morning, and welcome to Sunday!

Sunday seems to be the day where I yoga and write the most frequently the past few weeks. The past few weeks have just been …intense. 

I am infamously known for taking on WAY more than I can handle at once. I think this is due to me having to always juggle several things as a child(emotionally, physically…)  It's something I have learned that continues to be repeated and cycled through. Typically when burn out happens I have mental breakdowns, call off work, isolate, and unfortunately shut out everyone. Well , as one goes on a journey…they learn lessons. So the lesson I have learned with this, is being self aware when I'm overloaded. This can be work, personal, relationship, or family overload. This time it was just a “newness” overload.  New house, new state, new job(s), new relationship, new friends, new family experiences…etc. Just all the new things. 

A few months ago, I was extremely excited(the manic), and I was sooooo ready to get out of Wisconsin, that I didn't actually enjoy my last two weeks I was there- I sat there just counting the minutes before I graduated massage school, and the days before I left for Ohio. 

Well…here we are …in Ohio. Fully. 

I have always been one that adjusts to any certain situation pretty easily at first, then the routine/responsibility kicks in and I just keep moving through it as if nothing new has happened. I don't think I take enough time to really just understand what is going on around me. 

We(I) live in a very fast paced world, where information gets to you from across the world in nanoseconds. So, accepting all the new things in my life, has been a very “paced” acceptance. Now, don't get confused by my demeanor…im very happy with the new. I have waited long enough for the new….it's just a little overwhelming sometimes. 

Example: The new career I'm in-Massage Therapist in a chiropractic office, a Massage Therapist for a corporate spa(tbh, I never thought I would work here…but the benefits outweighed anything), the new house I live in(with my sister and her wife-three dogs, and three cats….along with my two cats- its all new, ) my new relationship- (he is a whole ass adult) I still dig it…it's just new. Even a month in, I'm still adjusting. 

Now, let's talk about an area of “limbo” that I DO NOT do well in at all……the gray area. The in-between: waiting for money to take the MBLEX exam, and waiting to get my license for Massage…the gray area sucks. I loathe it. This stems from me being inherently impatient( Im working on it- slowly.) It also stems from fear. Fear that I'm going to mess up so badly that all this new disappears. It’s also shitty when I have to watch all my friends get all their things first because they actually planned the financial part of the license…etc. I however; did not.  Moving ain't cheap yo.

Anywho, the new is overwhelming. 

So how do we fix it? We establish boundaries to our peace. So clearly working 6 days a week, in two different cities…40 miles apart….isn't the goal. So I regrouped…thought it out, and I am going to stick with a normal 5 day work week. I need that decompression time. That's MY time. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I WAS self aware. I felt myself “turtling”, I took stock, reassessed, and made a change. I need my me time, I need my family and boyfriend time. 

Oh and speaking of the boyfriend. Yall, this one…this one has me by the heart strings. He is there when I don't even know I need him to be there. He supports and motivates me to just breathe once in a while. He tells me it's okay when I'm overloaded with all the new.

If I could just live in our bubble I'd be a happy camper. Our bubble is where I am completely safe. What an incredible feeling. It's really nice to be taken care of by a man emotionally. I will tell you this- he is the first one…I've actually allowed to take care of me. Not the other way around. I also don't fight it anymore. Hyper-independence is a trauma response. I wasn't a fan of a man doing anything for me…period…I thought they would think I was weak, and unable to manage on my own. But now, shoooooot!  He wants to buy me dinner- go for it. He wants to give me an extra long hug in a parking lot, go for it. He wants to take me to lighthouses- go for it.

Take care of me baby. I'm okay with it now, and I'm so here for all of it.  Thank you for just being you. Everyday. 

If he is a moose, I'm totally a moose. 

The new is great. It's overwhelming. I couldn't do it without my family and my boyfriend - for real. I need them all. Ha! Yeah, I need them. I need people in my life now. Maybe I needed people the entire time….I just wasn't ready. I'm ready now.

If you are someone who has helped me through the new…thank you!

Word of advice: Take stock of your own boundaries and include your time. Time is something you don't get back and it tends to slip by very quickly.

"The magic of new beginnings, is single-handedly, the most powerful magic of them all"- Victoria Bloom

[majorprojectalex]

Reflection Post

Since the unit is coming to an end, I wanted to have a post reflecting on the project. Looking back at the initial concept of the project, I think that I was able to stay on track by the end. I made some small changes to the story, most significantly I changed the murder victim from the magician to the assistant and I changed the fact that the detective is seeing the trick from the audience, but I think those were generally reasonable changes and made mores sense for the game and plot. Generally I struggle with  sticking to my ideas quite a bit, as was probably evident during the pre-production phase, and during this unit too I had to fight the urge to take my idea and change it from the ground up multiple times. If it wasn’t for the rules I set for myself in the planning folder and the brief of the project I would have probably changed it a lot more and end up loosing track of it a bit, so I think that setting up a planning folder for my own projects in the future would be very useful for me.

In terms of the final product itself I am really happy with everything, especially the demo. I think I did a good job with the design and the coding and UI. I could however polished the character sprites a bit more, and I think that the way the mechanic is introduced could have been more organic and intuitive. But at the same time I am also really proud of myself for getting this far.

In terms of the project’s deliverables, I am pretty happy with myself. I had set really flexible goals with them in order to see how far I could get, and honestly, I got way farther than I thought I would, which is a very satisfying feeling. I managed to meet all of my must have goals, as well as a majority of my Wishlist goals, most importantly I think, I managed to make a playable demo which I really didn’t think I would be able to do in the beginning since it was way out of my skillset. But, while I was able to meet a big amount of my goals and have a finished demo, artbook and website for the game, by the end of the unit I still think that my planning and time management was not ideal. It was definitely an improvement form previous time management experiences, but I still made many mistakes. Some of the positives of my Gantt chart are that I planned for external factors like my job and the family trip I had to go to, so when these things happened it was planned and I didn’t have to scramble to make time for them. I also left a bit of buffer space between switching tasks to be able to apply the feedback I received for them. I also gave myself a lot of buffer space in the end in case I was behind on things. I ended up really really needing that time, not so much because I was behind but more because I decided that I had come too far with the game demo and I wanted to finish it and put everything together. I think in hindsight one of the main problems I was having with the timetable was that I  was having with the schedule was that it was built for creating a concept art pack and not a game. I only gave myself a week to do the UI for example, but I ended up having to work on it in parallel with other tasks during nearly the whole project, It would make sense for it to only be a week long task if I was making a concept art pack, but since it was a part of a playable demo, I had to constantly develop it an make adjustments so it took way longer. Since making the game was a stretch goal, and I didn’t think it was possible I don’t think I could have accounted for it necessarily, but I think that during the project, especially the last week I should have spent a bit of extra time to adjust the schedule and coming up with a plan, instead of just focusing on putting together the game. I also learned that I work better with having a steady routine but a more flexible schedule. I’m also glad I made the call to switch the UI with the character design time wise, as if it wasn’t for that I probably would have not been able to develop the UI to the degree that I did, or the game.

In terms of the dissemination for my project I have mixed feelings. I am really proud of my work with the art book and I really like the itch.io page I put together, but In terms of sharing the project on social media I think I could have done a better job. I started doing it too late I think, so I didn’t really plan or give myself time for it. And overall promoting myself and my project felt kind of awkward, and I didn’t get any people who were not already my friends to follow it. After doing some research I think Instagram was really not the best way to disseminate my project, I chose it because I had used it before and it was more in my comfort zone, but I’ve seen a lot of videos of artists quitting Instagram recently, because the algorithm has become way to demanding and it’s increasingly harder to get notice in it. I think I would have to do a bit more research to see what other platforms are better in the future. Since my main goal is to get employed it’s not that important for me to have social media, but if I want to work on my own projects, it’s a good way to get them out there.

In terms of the blog and documentation, I found that really difficult to keep up after the first weeks. I think it’s because I got really invested in the project once I found out I could make it playable, but that also made it require a lot more time, so I felt like I should be working on the project instead whenever I would sit down and do the blog. Also though from previous units, while I see the value of keeping track of what you have been doing and reflecting on the process, I have been finding keeping a blog daunting and counterintuitive for me. So, I wanted to find a solution to that, as I think documenting my process is important, and what I came to was keeping files of voice notes. I find it difficult to explain things in writing, so just leaving myself a voice note seems a lot faster and less daunting. Also, I think I should keep my documentation private as making it private as it being public makes me self-conscious and maybe avoid documenting specific things. I would have to test this out though.

Overall I am really happy with this unit, and I think I learned a lot of new skills, both practical like learning Ren-py and developing mechanics, and also learning a bit more about my limitations and abilities. I also discovered that I really like game design and UI, and would like to pursue it more in the future

[pinkchangelingdemon]

Who am I?: Part 1

Jordan! Run faster! Mallory? Stop looking at your phone and finish the set! - I yelled orders with my mainly voice and they obeyed me.

I unlocked the front camera of my tablet and chuckled while seeing my bearded face. From bullies like Jordan, to the rest of the teachers and students, I have fooled all of them. I was the one controlling every word and movement of Robert "Rob" Walker, the PE teacher.

...

Five minutes later, I started to clap and yell.

-That's it! Good job everyone! See you all next week! Now go take a shower!

I was grading them when someone approached me.

- Hey Rob! Are you mad at me or something? -asked Jordan, the sports star of my school, also the person who made my life hell.

I put the most charming smile on Rob's lips.

- Jordan, I only want that y'all reach the best version of yourselves.

That's the quote I started to use with anyone who bullied me while I made them work harder.

Jordan sighed reassured.

-Now, go take a shower or think someone is going alone to prom.

Jordan rolled his eyes.

-Okay, Rob.

...

After my classmates left, I had time for myself. The next group arrived in an hour.

I went to the locker rooms, closed the door and started to undress myself to take a shower. Not because I needed it, well, needed to take a look to that body free from clothing, and the rush from fooling Jordan made something woke up between my legs.

After I took off my gym shorts, I heard someone outside shouting: Rob! Are you there?

Change of plans. I put on the shorts and the blue polo and opened the door to find my previous host, Andrew White, the math teacher. My time in his body is a story for another day.

- Hey Mr White what can do for you?

Mr White laughed and rested one of his arms against the door frame. Our faces were so close.

- Don't be silly, you know you can call me Andrew -he kept his eyes looking at mine and moved his other arm to my waist.

I took a step back unsure of what was happening.

Mr White laughed again.

- Don't play hard to get now, none of us has forgotten our make out session in the teachers lounge.

Weird, Mr White was always talking about his wife. Then I realized, maybe Mr White remembered my time in his body and how I ended up in Rob's body.

-But your wife...

-F*ck her- he said while approaching me, putting his hands on my waist and whispering in my ear- I don't know what has gotten into me, but kissing you felt like the biggest rush in my life.

-Mr White...

He got me and he knew it. He started kissing me roughly.

Between kisses and moans, I opened the PE teachers office and we entered. He undressed me and took a good look.

-You know, I've been envying how you kept your body fit for a while... - he approached to my ear- and now I know, I don't want to be fit like you, I just want to f*ck you.

Then, he placed me against my desk, and undressed himself. It was clear he was the one taking the lead.

...

Let's say we were lucky Ms Lakewood didn't keep good track of time, or the next group would've heard our moans echoing through the gym...

We exited the office in time, then I adjusted my shirt and took a quick look at Rob.

- See you later - Rob said smiling.

I smirked, and then left the gym while mentalizing myself to explain maths again.

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

LO$ER=?, m | jjk

pairing(s): jungkook x reader

summary: Life is just a path and you walk it. Until Jeon Jungkook. He made you run, sprinting through winding side roads and alleys, fighting, bleeding, losing. Your paths split, but life is made of orbits. Now that they have overlapped once more, his hand is fiercely holding yours and he won't let go again. Nothing matters if he's with you. Thus, you run once more, laughing like you've gone mad.

continuation of 0X1=?, m | jjk – click here to read

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; mentions of sexual assault (not heavily described, however, please note reader is the victim of said assault); actually predominantly fluff; mentions of previous angst; mentions of physical fighting; smut (fem reader, fingering, cowgirl, scratching / marking, penetrative sex); non-idol!BTS - tattooed, previously rich!Jungkook x rebellious!reader (mostly reader's POV, a tiny bit of JK's POV), ft cameo of Kim Taehyung as JK’s best friend and crossover with 'bao, t/m | myg' au

yes, I waited until the TXT's 'LO$ER=LO♡ER' was released to write this XD there's a ton of TXT references as well, enjoy!

--

now playing – LO$ER=LO♡ER by txt

"Jeon Jungkook! Yah! Jeon Jungkook! Come out of that whore's home!"

You were about to remove the groceries from your front seat, but then you stopped at the shouting, peering up at the second story of the apartment complex to see… ah, yes, a young woman yelling at your front doorstep. One look at the imported, Western, black car with heavily tinted windows and you were well aware that the woman in a matching designer two-piece – a ruffled pink suit jacket and flared skirt – complete with immaculately pulled back hair in a half-ponytail must be...

She turned around, fuming, pretty features twisted in rage, and screamed in frustration.

You quickly jerked your head back out of her line of sight and clicked your tongue.

Your boyfriend's ex-fiancé had some lungs on her.

You waited until she finished shrieking like a banshee and peered out to see her spin on her heel and return to pounding on your apartment door with her small, manicured fists. You spotted her beige, black cap-toed slender heels.

Chanel.

Huh.

You stayed in your car.

Reached over to your bag and pulled out the single ice cream you bought to share with Jungkook but, at this rate, you would have to buy another. You pulled off the cap and folded it in half, curving it like a spoon, and began to eat the mango sorbet. Hm, well, it was better this way. Jungkook would probably prefer chocolate or straight up diabetes over mango sorbet.

He would eat pretty much anything though.

You scooped up some of the frigid, melting sweet into your mouth and watched his ex-fiancé shout at no one.

True, you could go up there and throw her down the stairs. But there was something hilarious about this, her beating and howling at your apartment door, completely ignoring the fact that no one was answering it and that she was very clearly causing a public disturbance, all because of her own personal problem.

You glanced up to watch her slide down the door, openly crying now. You pressed the button of your car window to roll it down a crack to listen to her sobbing above you.

"–can't believe you would do this to me... you know I need this marriage... my family's company depends on it..."

You slowed, licking off your makeshift spoon.

"I'll be left with nothing... nothing unless I get married..."

Crocodile tears or not, the woes of the rich did not earn much sympathy with you.

You rolled your window back up, leaving your car on idle for the air conditioning.

It was a mix of previously being constantly berated by Jungkook's wealthy parents that now exiled him over a fucking eyebrow piercing and being a member of the working, lower middle class. For some reason, that latter fact was also offensive to Jungkook’s parents. Everyone was accepting until money got involved. You hummed, eating another scoop. You didn’t like it, but you understood that his parents wouldn’t believe that you have no interest in their money. What you didn't understand was why his ex-fiancé was so hellbent on yelling at your door. From what you could tell, she wasn't ugly. Couldn't she find someone else?

You scraped the last of your small ice cream out and ate it up.

You checked your phone.

Jungkook wouldn't be out of work for at least another three hours. You had found him a job at the local bao shop through your own job as an accountant. You assisted the family in sorting the finances for their small business and personal tax forms. The owner had back surgery and so the daughter had been working there by herself with one other employee that delivered the orders. They wanted to hire another to help with cooking and cleaning, perhaps even open up the front counter again to accept pick-up orders instead of only delivery. However, it was hard to find someone trustworthy and reliable. The best way was through word of mouth.

They won't mind my tattoos?

Whenever I drop by, the delivery guy is wearing a leather jacket, ripped jeans, and has a resting bitch face. You'll be fine. Also, I think the daughter and him are dating.

Jungkook had blinked at you.

You know. In case they disappear for ten minutes, unexplained.

You loved Jungkook's laugh.

He didn't complain or whine for some other job. He only asked when he started and how to get there. You bought him a secondhand bicycle and he was off to work, five to six days a week. Sometimes you would drop him off with your car if was too rainy. Occasionally, when he had to stay late for a large order, the delivery guy would drive Jungkook and his bike back home.

That's how it was here, in the world of everyone else, minus the rich.

The fuck is all this?

Manager gave me a bunch of leftovers. She said I'm a fast learner. Did you know Taehyung stops by there? He's never said shit! He said it was his little secret, that ass–

You smiled as you remembered Jungkook's animated face and annoyance at his best friend for not sharing what he thought was crucial information. Jungkook would speak excitedly, hauling a bag of buns and spilling them over your clean kitchen counter, scrambling to catch them as he explained the different ones to you and how they were made, telling you all the things he was learning and funny stories about customers.

You almost forgot this Jungkook.

It was strange, feeling something after such a long time of feeling nothing, strange to find your time occupied once again by him, when at many times you vowed not to get involved with Jungkook anymore, only for him to show up and make you throw your promises to yourself to the wind, recklessly chasing the anger, wondering, hating, loathing how much you still loved him after he left, recalling him standing there, stone silent as his parents' verbal lashes ripped you to shreds.

You turned the car off, pulling the keys out and pocketing them, not wanting to the drain the battery.

Maybe.

Maybe you were stupid for loving him so much.

Maybe you were as pathetic as the woman up there in some ways.

Then again.

Maybe that was just how everyone lived.

You heard a soft tap by your car window.

You jerked your head to see Jeon Jungkook, in the flesh, peering at you through the glass, clutching his bike. You could see half of his head, short black hair and large, curious brown eyes, nose pressed up to the bottom of your car window. He was wearing his work clothes, light wash jeans and an aqua blue t-shirt, lightly dusted in flour. He pointed up and you noticed his ex-fiancé had switched back to yelling at the door, no longer facing the street.

You shooed him back and opened the car door, eyes wide.

"Why are you home?" you whispered, crouching down to speak to him.

He grabbed your hand, gasping as he gripped it. You shivered at the coldness of his fingers, but there was a warmth in between your and his frozen palms, melting each other.

"Oh, shit, your hand is so cold!"

"So is yours!"

"I was biking! My hands get cold from the wind. What's your excuse?"

You held up the empty mango sorbet container in your other hand, shifting your eyes guiltily.

"And you didn't share?!" Jungkook hissed, his windswept hair giving him a fierce appearance, dismay clear in his glistening dark brown orbs despite trying to sound angry.

You spied his other hand on his bike. There was a large, wrapped bandage on his left forearm. You ticked your chin towards it, furrowing your brows. "What happened?"

"Ack, I burned myself and manager-nim told me to go home early. I told her I could still work, but there were only a few hours left and it seemed like she wanted to be alone with Yoongi-hyung..."

You raised your eyebrows.

"What are they gonna do, bonk in the kitchen?"

"You wouldn't want to bonk me in the kitchen?"

You grinned at him and Jungkook grinned back, eyebrow piercing flashing in the sun.

"JEON JUNGKOOK!"

"Oh shit–"

You scrambled out of your car, locking it, slamming the door as the young woman wailed his name and pointed at you and him, furiously wiping her tears.

"You bitch! How dare you take him from me! He was mine! I had him wrapped around my finger!" She hiked up her skirt and swiftly power-walked to the stairs, looking back to yell more at you as Jungkook placed his bicycle down. "He would do anything for me!"

You raised your eyebrows, again.

Jungkook yanked on your t-shirt sleeve, ushering you to get on the bike with him.

"Doesn't seem like it!" you called back casually, chucking your trash at her, causing the empty ice cream container to smack her in the shoulder and roll across the sidewalk.

"You–"

You cackled and got on the bike, hooking your arms around Jungkook's shoulders and adjusting your feet as she stomped up to you two, conventionally attractive features contorted in rage.

"He was my dog!"

Your eye twitched.

"You were gonna marry a freak who was into bestiality? No wonder you left," you remarked, patting him on the chest as Jungkook burst out laughing, loud and rich, shaking his head.

"You can't do this to me, Jungkook! You can't leave me with that other guy!"

You felt it.

Pause.

You felt Jungkook stiffen under your hands and you turned yourself, hearing the helpless plea in her voice now, throwing herself to the ground, designer knees in common dirt, anguish on her face, tears streaming down her made-up cheeks, sniffling hard, and, with your breath lodged in your throat, you realized she was restraining her pained sobs, so trained in maintaining appearances that it seemed like she couldn’t even cry properly in front of others.

"You can't... you know how they are... I can't marry him, you saw what kind of man he is... that's the whole reason I tried to find another husband..."

There was no more anger in her voice, only fear and dread, and you didn't understand, and yet you could for some reason, for some reason you could see it as if it was tangible, the realness in her enigmatic words. Jungkook's hands tightened on the handlebars of the bicycle, his knuckles turning white, tense shoulders under your arms, and for a second, a moment, an instant...

You thought he might go back.

"You should run."

The crying woman on the ground lifted her head, hiccupping, cheeks blotchy pink, still somehow beautiful.

"W-What?"

Jungkook turned his head and looked down at her. "You should run away, like I did. Find someone who actually loves you. Getting married to me will only make both of us miserable, even if it saves you from that other guy."

She looked from you to him, and you recognized that look in her eyes, jealousy and envy, but not directed at you. It was directed at the warmth between the coldness of his hands and yours, directed at the orbits of his and yours finally overlapping, meeting in the vastness of space once more, his zero and your zero becoming one, not you, but his ability to throw everything away, his wealth, his comfort, the world he knew, all for a feeling she had yet to feel.

"What... what if I can't?" she asked weakly. "What if I can't find what you have?"

Jungkook lifted his foot off the asphalt and placed it on the pedal. He raised his head, and you found his eyes on yours for a brief moment before casting them back down to his ex-fiancé.

"Then keep running. It's better than being married to him, right?"

He began to turn the handles, about to pedal away.

She screamed after him, words choked with agony.

"Love won't solve our problems, Jungkook!"

You held on tight, chest to his back, fingers clutching in Jungkook's shirt, nose in his hair, his warmth under your cold hands.

"It won't!" he yelled over his shoulder, gaining speed with a grin. "But it sure as hell makes the problems worth shouldering!"

-

“Hey! Get back here!”

You snickered and chucked the plastic bag into the basket connected to the bicycle, jumping on quickly, pedaling away as Jungkook ran after you at top speed, breathless and laughing, his black hair flying back, aqua shirt molding to his muscular chest, long legs sprinting after you and the bike, your grinning face looking back periodically to catch his smile, going not too fast, but still fast enough so he couldn’t quite catch up. Golden hour brought out the tan on his skin and his high cheekbones, both of you tearing out of the gas station at high speed, drawing stares and shaking heads, but neither of you noticed or cared, his booming voice calling your name and you sticking your tongue out at him childishly.

“Watch out!”

You jerked aside and sped past a group of five young men with skateboards, two with shorter black hair, one with long black hair and white highlights, one with ash gray hair, and one platinum blond, all very tall, but you didn’t have time to stop and stare at the impressive height of them, turning into a side alley towards to the creek nearby, avoiding pedestrians, Jungkook following close behind until you got to your destination, grabbing the plastic bag in the basket and throwing the bike down, cackling as Jungkook snatched you from the air, his heart racing against your back as you kicked the air, him still somehow effortlessly carrying you despite sprinting so hard, panting into your hair.

“Get off!”

But instead of letting you go, Jungkook held on tighter, fierce kisses into your neck, wiping his sweat all over you and making you cringe amidst your laughter. It was already late, the sun dipping into the horizon, slowly taking its warmth with it. Water trickled meekly down the creek, barely coating the rock bottom due to the hot summer.

“Stop, stop, the ice cream is melting,” you finally gasped out, shoving Jungkook aside, wiping your neck with the back of your hand, pretending to be disgusted, but Jungkook just grinned and seized your cheeks, pressing his lips against yours.

“I love you,” he breathed.

“Ack, I love you too, fuck, get off–”

-

You two sat on the swings of the empty playground, watching the sun disappear, eating ice cream with the lids of the containers. As predicted, Jungkook got the chocolate that seemed to have everything in it but the kitchen sink. You, on the other hand, got red bean this time.

“Hey, Jungkook.”

“Hm?”

He looked up from his ice cream, shoving a large lidful into his mouth.

It was strange how beautiful he looked, even with his black hair sticking up every which way, his cheeks filled with the frozen sweet, the faint rays of sunlight catching the silver of his jewelry – eyebrow piercing, earrings, silver chain around his neck with the compass star pendant – all paired with his oversized aqua blue t-shirt and baggy jeans, still with bits of flour on his thighs from work.

“What did that man do to her?”

A darkness clouded his features even though he tried to hide it from you with a neutral expression.

“Ah… He just… Just wasn’t really the kind of guy who thought of women as people,” Jungkook finally got out, looking away from you. “You know, the kind of guy you really hate.”

“That’s you,” you joked.

“I know I can’t do anything,” Jungkook continued, ignoring your quip and you suddenly regretted it, seeing the way he lowered his hands, exhaling slowly. “I am not responsible for anyone else’s behavior but my own.”

Come crawling back to me on your knees when she reaffirms to you that I'll be the best fuck you'll ever have.

She'll never make you feel as good as I can make you feel.

Enjoy your piranha.

“I’m sorry.”

Jungkook looked up at your sudden declaration.

“I’m sorry,” you repeated, coughing awkwardly. “I’m sorry for saying the things I said about her.”

He snorted, shaking his head. “Don’t be. Just because she was in a shit situation doesn’t excuse her for being a shit person.” He shoved the lid into the empty ice cream container and rubbed the back of his neck, pushing his hair back with a sigh. “Just like how it doesn’t excuse me from being a shit person for what I did to you.”

His eyes shifted away.

“You don’t have to–”

“Yeah, I do,” he muttered, cutting you off. “I’m a fucking loser.”

The streetlights began to turn on, but no one was in a place like this, two adults in a place for kids, stuck wondering what adulthood was supposed to feel like because it still felt like an endless cycle of forever learning and forever running, wandering to find out what the finish line meant.

“I wasted time you can’t get back and I will spend the rest of my life chasing the time I wasted.”

Jungkook sucked in a shuddering breath, hand falling from his hair, rueful smile on his face.

“I can only hope you can put up with me for so long.”

You blinked slowly.

He turned his head, brown eyes finding yours, those irises catching the streetlights like how his jewelry had caught the sun, proving that Jeon Jungkook was, indeed, already adorned with nature’s very own jewelry.

You scooped out the last of your red bean ice cream and ate it, looking away from him.

“Sounds like forever,” you remarked, feeling the chilled sweet cool your heated cheeks, swallowing slowly, savoring the way the cold warmed you in its own way.

“Hm?”

“Sounds like I’m stuck with you forever then,” you said, turning back to him with a smirk. “Kinda sucks.”

He smirked back, cocking an eyebrow. “Yeah. Major suck. Speaking of my dick–”

“Oh, shut up.”

But you said it with a smile and he knew you didn’t mean it.

-

“Why the fuck do you have that?”

“It’s from work. Gimmie your arm.”

“Why?”

You extended your arm, frowning, stopping under the streetlight, one hand on the bike as Jungkook held the black permanent marker with his right hand. He used two fingers to uncap it and tucked the lid neatly into his palm, spinning the marker with the adjacent two fingers to readjust it so that he could write on your arm.

“Do you wanna get a tattoo with me?”

“Of what?”

You looked down to him scribbling on your skin, his own black tattoos standing out, covering his entire right arm and up to his shoulder. You wondered if he would end up tattooing his back and maybe his other arm – but, then again, he kind of needed money to have pay for such large pieces.

“Couples tattoo.”

You looked down when he drew back, grinning, reading the word upside down.

LO♡ER

You raised an eyebrow.

“You want to get ‘lover’ tattooed?” you asked, skeptical, turning your arm this way and that, unsure if you liked the placement on your forearm, near your wrist. “You don’t have any space on your right arm anyway.”

“That’s why I would get it on my left.”

And he curved his wrist to write on the bandage on his left forearm, messily writing on top of it.

LO$ER

Now you raised both eyebrows.

“You want to get… ‘loser’ tattooed onto your body?” you snorted disbelievingly.

Jungkook grinned, recapping the black marker with one hand, tapping the dollar sign on the bandage with the marker lid. “Doesn’t it describe me? ‘Cause I had money, and now I don’t.” He pointed to the heart on your skin. “You love me. I love you. A lover with a dollar sign is a loser, right?”

Laughter and skateboards sped past, five blurs of black along the street, spinning around the parked cars, people yelling after them to stop being so reckless, but you were too busy staring at Jungkook to notice the ruckus, too busy staring at that smile and those brown orbs lit up by streetlights.

“Are you stupid?”

Jungkook’s grin widened, mole underneath clearly visible. “Yeah, kind of. Stupidly in love with you.”

You both instantly pretended to gag, trying to mask your smiles, you shoving him and him shoving back, playful and laughing like mad, falling into him, dropping the bike with a loud clang, swept up in his arms and his kiss, your hands hooking behind his neck, love you, love you, love you, not sure about this whole tattoo idea, but, hell, maybe, just maybe if he annoyed you enough about it.

-

Shit, the groceries...

Are they still good?

The green onions look kind of wilted, but so do you and you're still good... I think.

Shut up.

You didn't need him, but being without him was like being frozen in time.

Not that you had any big dreams or aspirations anyone could be envious about. It always been like that, casually cruising through life, existing for the sake of existing, no real reason needed. It just was, and there was no reason to stop, so you kept going. The path was there, so you kept walking.

But, then.

Jeon Jungkook.

Jungkook made you run.

It's not washing off.

Tragic.

Easy for you to say, you wrote yours on your bandage, 'loser'.

So terrible that you have 'lover' written in you by your lover - hey, pfft, stop! Put the showerhead down!

It was truly by chance to meet him, a moment of terror and then he was there, yelling, get off her, don't fucking touch her, and you didn't understand, didn't understand why some random guy would suddenly intervene between an interaction of two strangers, how could he sense your discomfort and fear, and now he was throwing fists, brawling with not one but three guys, friends of the one who slipped his phone and his hands under your skirt, the stranger smashing the phone with venomous rage, fighting in a dress shirt, slacks, leather loafers, and expensive-looking rings, giving you a chance to escape.

A winner at life.

Not like you, you who let something happen because you froze up in that second, disbelieving that such a thing could happen to you, a nobody, a loser.

He kicked one of them in the knee, growling, a howl followed by the sharp crack during the fight.

You could turn and escape.

Or?

You heard sirens.

You grabbed your protector's flying fist and clenched into it tightly, panicking.

Run!

This was before the tattoos.

This was before the pain.

This was before the piercing.

Jeon Jungkook had whipped his head around at the foreign touch, in this mess because he had witnessed something disgusting and because he simply wanted to fight, just wanted to beat someone up, wanted to cause real pain to someone because he couldn't control his own life, wanted to fight something.

Needed to fight.

A hand around his hand.

Run!

Never once had Jungkook thought about escape.

Not until he saw that face, fear and panic and rage and determination, stunningly beautiful, hand around his hand, not letting go, pulling, sirens screaming in the distance, his legs already moving, following, running, running, running, into the sea of the unknown.

Sinking into it.

Lungs screaming, clumsily flying through alleys, on wings of adrenaline, running after the girl in the white hoodie and red plaid skirt holding his hand, falling, falling, falling, skidding across the concrete, her arms around his, her head buried into his chest, his hands around her head to protect it, hitting a dumpster with a pained wheeze.

The sirens sped past.

He was holding her and she was holding him.

It was chance.

Just chance.

His hands were scraped up, bleeding from the trip and tumble, her white hoodie dirtied and ripped from the fall, scrapes on her legs and knees.

I'm sorry...

It was ridiculous chance.

Just ridiculous.

You clung to this stranger and laughed, laughed like a maniac, laughed like you had gone mad, crying into his dirty navy dress shirt, thank you, thank you, thank you, not knowing you were holding the one who would make you run, not knowing who or how affluent he was, now knowing of how it felt to hold his hand and kiss his lips and hear his laugh, not knowing how you would introduce him to a friend who was a tattoo artist and start his interest in them, not knowing you would sit by him for long hours and watch the art grow on his skin...

Holding him, crying, thank you, thank you, thank you for saving me, leaning against a dumpster as the stranger hugged you tightly, I got you, it's okay, don't cry, don't cry, don’t cry please, rubbing your back.

Not knowing.

Not knowing he would make you zero, not knowing you would be standing there, time and time again, verbally beaten by his own parents as he looked away, unable to fight.

And you would escape.

You would run.

He would come back.

An endless cycle until you broke it.

Then he started the endless cycle again, broken as it was, his whispers to your cheeks, I love you, cheeks that were dried of tears because you were cried out and left with a mechanical heart, I love you, heart to heartless because of wasted time, I love you, time wasted but you still loved him, no matter what you did.

Did that make you pathetic?

Did that make you stupid?

Did that make you the loser?

I love you.

Why did it matter?

Even winners die.

I love you too, Jungkook.

"Get your hands off my tits."

"Why?"

You glared at him. Jungkook grinned and spun you around, hair still a little damp, kisses on your face that made you cringe as your naked bodies tumbled on the bed, him doing it on purpose, your grumble against his kisses, should have known, his smirk against your scowl, thought you knew me well by now, capturing his lips to shut him up, sinking into his arms and the ocean that was Jeon Jungkook, the one who made you want to run through the maze of life instead of aimlessly walk down the path.

His hands on your face, staring into your eyes.

You looked back, into those eyes that once had everything, but you.

And yet, he chose to lose it all and have nothing, but you.

It didn't really make sense, being in love.

You searched for regret, but there was none to be found.

"Am I forever your waste of time?" Jungkook whispered, breath drifting over your lips.

You smirked.

"Always was and always will be."

I know you said I was a waste of time. But I was your waste of time and that was all I ever wanted to be.

"Let me at least..."

"Ah, f-fuck, Jungkook!"

Your hands faltered a little, rolling the condom down while biting your lip, gasping as his two fingers plunged into you, him moaning at the wetness, thrusting slowly and deeply.

"What, you think I can't feel good with only your dick?"

"No," Jungkook snickered, pulling his slick fingers out of your pussy and bringing them to his face, cocking an eyebrow. "Just want a taste."

You rolled your eyes as he shoved his fingers into his mouth, sucking them off, eyelids fluttering.

"You're so annoying."

He grinned around his fingers, slowly pulling them out and tracing his wet lips.

You narrowed your eyes.

You don't have to take me back. I understand now, you know... I get it. Everyone... everyone will tell you you're crazy and to not to take me back.

I'm not taking you anywhere.

I... I wouldn't blame you. I promise.

Jungkook, please, shut the fuck up.

Your hands on his chest, smacking your hips down, his head thrown back on the pillows, breathless moan at your tightness, matching his sound with your own, stretching yourself out and feeling him swell even more at the pulse of your walls wrapped around him, rolling your hips into his, wet, intense smacks, his right hand flying up and wrapping around your left wrist, watching you through his lashes with effort, losing himself in your pace, no need to ask because you could see it in his face, his open mouth and glazed over eyes, fingers slipping down, curling your nails into his skin.

“P… Please…”

Raking your nails down his chest, his back arching and eyes closing, groaning in pleasure and pain, fucking him into your mattress so hard that the bedframe squealed, setting your jaw and closing your eyes too, savoring his fullness and thickness, sinking into the ocean of pleasure that was Jeon Jungkook, the one who made you feel like no one else, the one who could make and unmake your mechanical heart, funny how that worked, your nails in his skin creating crescents of lust, your eyes snapping open as you felt his chest rise, his back arching, his hands flat on the bed and thrusting his hips up into you, one eye partly open, black hair pushed back, open-mouthed smirk on his lips.

That dark brown orb partly obscured by his lashes, but revealing all to you.

You ticked your chin at him.

“Look at me.”

His eyes fully opening, pupils dilated, hazed over with lust and stubborn love.

“Nothing is more important to me than loving you,” he panted before sinking his teeth into his lower lip, mole underneath flashing, smacking his hips up into yours hard and fast, and it took no time at all, staring at his face and the way the moonlight cradled his strong jaw and toned muscle, catching the low light and bringing out the fervor in his gaze, filling you just right, pleasure blossoming from your core and yet concentrated tightly at the same time, moan of his name falling from your lips, spilling out from your lips and in between your legs, covering him with the sweet scent and harsh squeezes of orgasm, even wetter now, his eyes rolling back, cock twitching, satisfied hiss of your name spilling out with spurts of cum filling the condom, his length shivering inside you, your thighs closing in and holding him in the air so you could feel it all.

His pleasure and him.

I won’t make it to heaven. I don’t belong there.

It’s not like I belong there either, Jungkook.

Are you sure? Only an angel would take me back.

I didn’t take you back. Only your body walked away. Your heart never left me, did it?

“You sure you don’t want to get a couples tattoo with me?”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around how your dumb ass wants to get ‘loser’ tattooed and how you think that’s romantic.”

He pressed his right forearm against your left and grinned, watching you suck in a breath as he pushed into you again, other condom already in the trash, new one on, your right leg against his chest, sandwiched between your bodies.

“But yeah, if you want, I’ll get a ‘lover’ tattoo.”

He paused, blinking rapidly. “Really?”

You raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? Why not?”

“You never wanted a tattoo before.”

Now you raised both eyebrows. “Did you ever ask me before?”

Jungkook looked down at you, hair a mess, smile blossoming on his face, somewhere between giddiness and mania, diving down and showering you with kisses, you smacking his arms and telling him, you’re bending me in half, the fuck are you doing, and he laughed, lifting both your legs now, I’ll show you bent in half, placing them between his arms, leaning down, sinking in as deep as possible, your moan and his moan mixing together.

You’re still here.

Of course, I am, this is my fucking apartment. Ugh, your black eye looks even uglier than before.

You don’t… you don’t want me to leave?

Did I say that? Uh… why are you crying?

F… Forget I said a-anything…

Hey, stop. Don’t cry. Don’t cry, Jungkook, please…

“Fuck, you feel so good, fuck…!”

Your hands in his hair, teasing grin on your face, and he was looking down at you, I love your smug smile, fuck, your fingers combing through his hair, pushing it back and away from his face, letting him see your smug smile without any obstructions, you always fuck me so well, Jungkook, the smile breaking out over his handsome features, breathing erratic and labored, hard and rough and deep, you rising your hips to meet him for every loud smack, exhales and moans blending together, tight, wet, full, your grip on his hair tightening, closer, closer, racing to the edge of the cliff and the edge of the world, Jungkook in your hands, taking him with you, or was he the one who was leading you?

“Jungkook…”

Breathless as if you were running, winded from the pleasure, tightening around him, his head lowering, your name washing over your cheeks in a hot gasp, putting more weight on you, nearly folded in half but it felt better this way, gratifying in how hard he could fuck you in this position, staring into those dark brown orbs, his body on yours, knowing he was yours, always was, always will be, and you were his, always was, always will be.

Head pressing into the pillows, moaning his name again, loud and unashamed, the overwhelming feeling taking over, muscles tense and nerves on fire, pouring it all into the pleasure, pulsing around his jerking length, his moan of your name on your skin, shooting shivering strings of cum into the condom, massaged and milked by the strength of your orgasm, locking him in your embrace and his arms closing in, lips on lips, a fierce kiss dominated by shuddering aftershocks, trembling in each other’s hold and taking the other’s breath away, blazing hot all over even though this frozen world cared about no one.

The kiss lasted a long, long time.

It fell apart slowly, leaving you both lightheaded from the intensity.

“You’re a waste of time, Jungkook,” you whispered, heated. “But you’re my time.”

The side of his lips quirked upward, sweaty, panting, chuckling.

“That’s all I ever wanted to be.”

--

masterpost

[bxcketbarnes]

Love in the Workplace

fPairing: Gardener!Bucky Barnes x Receptionist!Reader

Words: 4900+

Author's Note: I thought of this idea while staying at our hotel in California and it's the cutest fucking thing in the world. I love this. I hope you guys enjoy it as well! Let me know your thoughts!

"Sarah, I don't need this at seven in the morning," you tell your friend while adjusting your bag on your shoulder. You slam your car door shut, your eyes looking towards the entrance of the hotel.

Your breath hitches in your throat at the sight of the new gardener. "What is it?" Sarah asks you and you clear your throat before tearing your gaze from the man.

"Uh, nothing. I finally see the gardener that the hotel hired," you mention while walking closer to the place. "I gotta go."

Sarah bids you goodbye after telling you to let her know if something happens between the two of you. You shove your phone into your pocket and walk past him, your eyes glancing over his shirtless chest.

His blue eyes meet yours and you give him a shy smile with a wave. "G'Morning," he greets.

"Morning. First day?" You ask the man and a laugh leaves his lips.

"That noticeable?"

You bring your bottom lip between your teeth and shake your head. "Not at all. Just the first time I've seen you. I usually work every morning," you laugh and he smiles down at you.

"I'm Bucky," the brunette introduces and holds out his metal hand. You eye it carefully before smiling up at him. "Sorry, if my arm makes you uncomfortable."

"Oh, no, no. It's a real cool looking arm," you reassure him and Bucky lets out a chuckle.

His blue eyes look down at his vibranium arm after you let go, bringing your hand back down by your side. "Well, thank you. That's the first time I've heard that," Bucky mentions and you bite the inside of your cheek. "Hey, do these hydrangeas look alright?"

You adjust the bag on your shoulder and walk closer to him, inspecting the plants he planted. "They look really good. I love the colors," you tell him, and Bucky smiles while nodding his head.

"Good. Wanna make a good first impression," he explains and you chuckle, laying a hand on his metal arm.

"I'm pretty sure you've already made one if they hired you. The bosses are strict about hiring people."

Bucky runs a hand through his sweaty hair, your eyes raking down his shirtless body. God, he's attractive. You turn your head towards the front door of the hotel before glancing down at your watch, seeing it was almost eight in the morning.

"Well, I would love to stay and chat longer, Buck, but I've got to start my day," you mention and start to walk away from him. "I'll see you around."

The blue-eyed man nods his head and waves slightly. "See you around, doll."

Steve's head picks up when you step through the lobby doors and you smile softly at him. "Morning, Steve," you greet while stepping behind the receptionist desk. "Busy night?"

The blonde shakes his head and stands up from his chair, allowing you to sit down in it. "Not at all. It was extremely dead," Steve laughs and runs a hand through his hair.

You're about to say something when Bucky walks into the building, your eyes dancing over towards him. "Hey, Steve," he greets before his blue eyes meet yours. "Y/N."

A small blush covers your cheeks and you provide a small wave before sitting in the seat. Steve looks down at you, a smirk coming to his lips and you raise a finger before he can say anything.

"Hush!" You laugh and Steve joins in, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I didn't even say anything!" He laughs and you look up at him, narrowing your eyes playfully.

"No, but the smirk on your lips said everything."

Steve gathers his stuff while shaking his head as you sign into the computer. A customer walks up to the counter and you greet them happily as the blonde leans in towards your ear.

"Bucky's a great guy and single if you're interested," he informs you while you're looking up the woman's information, a blush covering your cheek.

You swat at him and another laugh leaves your lips. "Get out of here!" Steve chuckles and raises his hands in defense before leaving the hotel lobby. "I'm so sorry about that."

The woman in front of you waves her hand before mumbling, "it's alright."

"Gotta have fun on the job, am I right?" She grins and you nod your head in agreement, a smile coming to your lips.

-

Two Months Later...

"Tony, I really appreciate you allowing me to stay here until my gas leak gets fixed," you mention to your manager as the man fixes up a room key for you.

The older man smiles down at you and rests a hand on your shoulder. "Kid, I'd do anything for you. You've been with this hotel for years and you're so kind. I couldn't even bring myself to say no," he chuckles and you smile up at him.

"You guys are like my family and I appreciate everything you've done for me," you tell him while Tony hands you the key.

Tony ruffles your hair a bit before walking back towards his office. "Oh, I put you next to Barnes in case you have questions. Plus, I figured you enjoy a familiar face," he winks and you let out a groan.

Of course, he put me next to Bucky. Smug bastard. You gently bite your lip while heading towards the elevator, pressing the button to call it. "Way to be so obvious about your feelings, Y/N," you say to yourself with a sigh, running a hand through your hair.

"Are you talking about your crush on Bucky?" A familiar voice asks you and you jump, placing a hand on your chest before glancing to your left.

Steve and Natasha stand in the archway where the two elevators sit, smirks on both of their lips. "Jesus, you two," you groan as they walk over to you. "What are you doing here?"

Nat ruffles her hair a bit before glancing towards Steve. "Steve and I are going on a date. I'm picking him up," she mentions and a gasp leaves your lips.

"No fucking way?!" Your eyes dance between the two of them and Steve's cheeks blush a bit. "That's incredible. I've only been shipping it for almost six months."

The three of you let out a chuckle before Steve pipes up. "Yeah, well, when are you going to ask out Bucky?"

The laughter dies on your lips and you bring your lip between your teeth. "Shut up," you scoff while rolling your eyes. "I'm not going to ask him out because he doesn't feel that way about me."

Both Steve and Natasha give you a look before the redhead rubs her hands along her face. "Sweetheart, that boy is crushing on you just as hard as you are for him," she mentions and your cheeks flush.

"Go enjoy your date," you tell them before pressing the button to the elevator once more.

The door opens immediately and you step inside, giving your friends one last grin. You press the floor your room is on and watch the elevator doors close before letting out a deep breath.

You adjust your grip on your suitcase and pile out of the elevator when it opens back up. You run into someone, muttering out a quick apology before glancing up at the person. Your breath hitches in your throat as Bucky stands in front of you, his bare torso staring you in the face.

"Bucky," you breathe out and the blue-eyed man glances down at you, "h-hi."

"Hey, doll," Bucky smiles and the two of you stand in the middle of the elevator door.

You swallow thickly as your eyes flicker from his eyes to his chest. "S-Sorry, let me just-" you cut yourself off and move around him, your shoulder brushing against his arm.

"Are you staying here?" The man questions and you look down towards your luggage before nodding your head.

"I, uh, yeah. My apartment has a gas leak, so Tony's letting me stay here for a week or so."

Bucky wets his lips and adjusts the towel in his hands. "I'm going down to the pool for a little bit… would you- would you want to join me?" He asks and your heart beats quickly in your chest.

"Y-Yeah. Yeah, I'll be down in about five minutes," you stutter and give the man a shy smile.

He bites his lip for a few seconds before standing in the elevator, keeping his eyes on you. "Great. I'll see you in a few," Bucky says while the elevator doors shut.

"Yeah…" you trail off as your cheeks blush heavily.

You continue making your way to your hotel room, silently hyping yourself up with each step. You place the keycard into the slot before pushing your way into the room. You set your suitcase onto the bed and open it before grabbing your bikini.

After changing into your swimsuit, you grab a towel from the bathroom along with your keycard before making your way back downstairs. You chew on your bottom lip while walking towards the pool area, seeing Bucky sitting in the hot tub.

You insert your key and open the gate, giving the blue-eyed man a small wave. You set your stuff down beside his before heading towards him. You adjust your red top as Bucky's eyes look you up and down.

"Cute top," he mumbles while draping his arms across the edge of the spa.

"Thank you," you chuckle shyly and sits down across from him. "So, how come you're staying here?"

Bucky lets out a laugh and moves his hands through the bubbly water before rubbing his face. "Well, my ex broke up with me a week ago and I happened to be living in her apartment. Tony let me stay here until I can get my own place," he explains and you frown slightly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," you apologize and Bucky shakes his head, mumbling that it was alright. "But, it was nice of Tony to let you stay here until you're on your feet."

"Yeah, it was. Which room are you in?"

A blush dusts your cheeks and you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "I'm next door to you. Tony thought it'd be nice to have a familiar face beside me," you laugh awkwardly while looking away from him.

Bucky smirks at you while wiggling his eyebrows. "This'll be fun. We'll be great neighbors," he grins and you roll your eyes playfully while standing up from your seat.

"Shut up," you tell him with a laugh and Bucky watches you step out of the hot tub.

You feel his eyes on you as you walk closer to the steps of the pool, making eye contact with him as you descend into the cool water. Bucky suddenly gets up and makes his way into the pool, jumping in immediately and you release a quiet squeal.

Bucky swims up to you and you take a couple of steps back as he resurfaces. "Well, that was quite rude," you joke and the man suddenly shakes his head, rouge water droplets hitting you. "Bucky! That's cold!"

He hums in response and splashes you playfully. "Oh, come on, it's warm!"

"It's not!" You squeal some more and take a couple of more steps back. Bucky walks closer to you, reaching his hands out before capturing you in his grasp.

His arms wrap around your waist and Bucky holes you against his chest while carrying you into the deeper area of the pool. You wrap your arms around his neck, your chest pressed against the man's face.

"Well, I can die happy now," Bucky jokes and you smack the back of his head, rolling your eyes at him again.

"You're such a guy," you laugh, attempting to get out of his grasp. "Can you put me down now?"

The blue-eyed man looks up at you through his lashes, your breath hitching in his throat as the pool lights shine on his face. "I quite like you like this," he whispers, and your heart pounds against your chest, feeling your cheeks heat up.

Bucky brings a hand to your face and his fingers graze against your cheek. Your eyes flutter shut while resting your forehead against his. He moves his fingers into your hair, gripping softly while slowly reducing the distance between your lips.

Your lips brush against his when a loud voice calls out to both of you. "Hey! The pool's closed!"

The brunette sighs, feeling his breath fanning your lips before pulling away from you. "Sam, it's just us!" Bucky yells and you glance towards the gate to see the man standing on the other side of it.

"Oh, hey guys!" Sam greets with a smile before opening the gate to the pool. "What are you two doin' out here so late?"

"Just hanging out," you tell him while prying yourself out of Bucky’s grasp. "I need to get going anyway. G'Night, Buck."

"Goodnight, Y/N," he mumbles and watches you walk out of the pool. Sam bids you goodnight as you gather your things before heading into the hotel. "Dude, what the fuck!?"

Bucky moves to smack Sam, causing the younger guy to wince away from him. "What?! She said you guys were hanging out! You're too chickenshit to do anything anyway!"

A sigh leaves his lips and Bucky runs a hand over his face. "Well, I'll have you know that we were just about to kiss," he explains while pushing himself out of the water.

"Oh, shit. Sorry, dude," Sam apologizes and Bucky shakes his head. "Go get her! Don't let me stop you."

The brunette wets his lips before nodding his head, quickly gathering his things before running inside. Bucky finds himself standing outside of her door, bringing his hand up to the wooden structure before knocking loud enough for her to hear.

"Y/N? Y/N?" Bucky calls out and rests his forehead against the door. "Goddamn it."

The door in front of him suddenly opens and Bucky catches himself before falling into your room. "Bucky?" You laugh, placing a hand on his shoulder while your other hand keeps the towel wrapped around you. "What are you doing here?"

His blue eyes widen at the sight of you, feeling his cheeks flush. "I, uh-" he cuts himself off as Bucky begins to rub the back of his neck. "I just wanna say sorry… for uh, what happened in the pool."

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion while leaning against the doorframe. "For what?" You ask him and Bucky's Adam's apple bobs in his throat.

"Just… uh, just in case I made you uncomfortable," Bucky explains and you chuckle softly, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

"You didn't make me uncomfortable, Bucky," you giggle and the man lets out a small sigh, nodding his head in reply.

You bite your lip gently as you watch the man in front of you, tapping your fingers against the frame. "Good, good. I'll let you get back to whatever you're doing," he mentions and you nod once before Bucky walks away from you.

"Goodnight, Bucky!" You call out to him, seeing the man give you a small wave before he walks into his hotel room.

Bucky rests his head against the door, a sigh leaving his lips while he quietly curses. He runs his metal hand through his hair when his phone begins to vibrate. Sam's name is flashed across the screen and the man picks it up before answering immediately.

"So?! How'd it go?!" Sam asks and Bucky groans in response, moving to sit on the edge of the bed.

"I- I panicked," he mentions and Sam laughs loudly. "Shut up, Sam."

It takes a minute before Sam finally stops laughing. "I told you that you're too chickenshit, Buck," he reminds Bucky and the blue-eyed man rolls his eyes.

"You know… I hate you," Bucky says before hanging up the phone, tossing it beside him.

-

"So, how did last night go?" Steve suddenly asks you. Natasha smacks his chest and the man lets out a deep yelp. "What?! We were both wondering!"

You look from Steve to Natasha, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion as you step behind the reception desk. "It was good? I didn't do much so I don't know why you two are asking," you mention while stuffing your work bag in the little compartment.

"Well, we happen to have watched the camera footage of you and Buck in the pool," Natasha explains and your cheeks blush, a groan leaving your lips.

"Oh, fuck off. Of course, that's why y'all are nosy," you sigh while rolling your eyes. "Nothing happened."

Steve gives you a look and you cross your arms over your chest. "Come on. You have to be lying," he argues.

A laugh leaves your lips and you lean back in your chair before crossing your legs over one another. "It's the truth. If Sam didn't interrupt then something might've happened," you smirk and the two run a hand over their faces.

"Fucking Sam," Natasha mutters and leans down to press a kiss on Steve's cheek. "I have to go, but I'll see you later."

You smile at the two, finding them to be extremely adorable together. "I take it that the date went well?" You chuckle and Steve nods his head grazing his fingers along Natasha's hip.

"Very well, thank you," Nat grins and places a hand on your shoulder before walking around the desk. "Now it's your turn. Go after Barnes."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," you laugh while shooing the woman away. The phone on your desk begins to ring and you pick it up. "Hello, how can I help?"

You can hear a bunch of kids yelling in the background before a woman starts talking. "Hi, yes, I would like to file a complaint on your gardener," she says and your lips part slightly, allowing her to continue, "he's standing outside our window in nothing but a pair of shorts and we don't need our children seeing that."

"I totally understand, ma'am," you mumble while rolling your eyes at how ridiculous she sounds. "Here's what I'll do. I'll head out and politely ask him to put his shirt on, okay?"

"I would love that. Thank you so much," the woman states, not giving you a chance to say anything else before hanging up the phone.

You blink a few times, thinking about the interaction that just happened. "What in the fuck?" You ask yourself out loud, Steve humming in response to you. 

"What?"

"I- This woman called and was complaining that Bucky's not wearing a fucking shirt. It's like ninety-five degrees out," you sigh while pushing yourself off of the chair.

Steve lets out a laugh while resting his hand over his chest. You roll your eyes playfully as the blonde practically dies of laughter. "Oh my god, you're serious? What the hell," he breathes out.

"You're telling me. I'll be right back. Gotta tell him to put his shirt on," you inform him while starting to walk out the hotel doors.

You tuck a strand behind your ear as you make your way around the building, looking for Bucky. You round the corner and see him planting some flowers, the man is sitting on his knees while wiping the sweat off his forehead.

"Hey, Buck," you greet him and he whips his head towards you, a smile coming to his lips.

"Hiya, doll. What do I owe the pleasure?" Bucky laughs and you glance up to see the woman who called the front desk staring at the two of you.

Bucky looks up at you again after not hearing anything, seeing your eyes looking above you. "Uhm, she called the front desk and complained about you working without a shirt on," you explain to him.

"You're joking?" He asks and you shake your head, crossing your arms over your chest. "It's fucking hot out here. Does she expect me to wear a shirt?"

"Well, I told her I would come out here and politely ask you to put it on," you sigh and Bucky cranes his neck, his own sigh leaving his lips. "Just keep it on until you leave this area, please? I really don't want to have to file a complaint about this. She's just being ridiculous."

"Okay, I will," Bucky mentions while grabbing the shirt that sits on the sidewalk, throwing it over his head. You give him a small smile and pat his chest before starting to walk back towards the entrance. "Hey, Y/N?"

You stop in your tracks and glance over your shoulder, seeing a smile on the man's lips. "Yeah?" You ask softly and Bucky walks over to you, his blue eyes casting down at you.

"Are… Do you want to do something tonight?" He asks and you can feel your cheeks heat up. "If you're up for it anyway."

A smile comes to your lips as you tangle your fingers, walking closer to him. "I can see if I can free up my schedule," you joke with a playful wink, causing the man to laugh in response.

Bucky wets his lips and rests his hands on his hips before shaking his head. "Well, if it does you know where to find me," he grins.

You hum while pressing your lips together, feeling your heart fluttering in your chest. "I'll see you around, Buck. Stay hydrated."

That night, you're swimming on your back while staring up at the stars, seeing an occasional plane coming in for a landing every so often. The sound of the gate opening captures your attention and you move your head in the direction of the noise.

"Hey, stranger," Bucky grins while setting his towel down beside yours.

A laugh escapes your lips as you swim towards the corner of the pool before leaning your arms on the warm concrete. "Hiya," you smile up at him, watching the blue-eyed God whisk his shirt off.

Bucky walks over to you before lowering himself into the water, splashing you slightly. "You weren't bothered by that woman anymore were you?" He asks you and you raise an eyebrow.

"Buck, I think I should be the one to ask you that," you laugh and the man wets his lips, shrugging his shoulders in response. "But, to answer your question, no."

"That's good. She was definitely a bitch," he mentions and you scoff, nodding your head in agreement.

You press your back against the curved wall, your body facing Bucky's as his large hands brush along your legs. "I don't get her problem. I totally wouldn't mind a very attractive man working outside my window," you tell him, causing Bucky to glance towards you.

"Oh?" He draws out and your cheeks heat up, realizing what you had just said. "So, you think I'm attractive?"

"I-" you cut yourself off as Bucky's hands grip your legs before swiftly pulling you closer to him. You let out a squeal and rest your hands on his shoulders, Bucky guiding your legs so they're wrapped around his waist.

You can feel your heart pounding against your chest as both of your faces are inches apart. You swallow thickly as Bucky looks up at you through his lashes. "Answer the question, doll," he whispers, feeling his fingers glide up the back of your thighs.

You lick your lips before biting it gently, your fingers moving to card through his hair. "I… I might think you're attractive," you tell him softly while adjusting your position on him.

Bucky grins widely and leans against the wall of the pool, fingers inching closer to your ass. "Good news is that I might find you attractive as well," he mutters and your heart flutters.

"You do?" You whisper and Bucky nods his head in response. The blue-eyed man brings his face closer to yours, your breath hitching when your noses brush against one another's.

Butterflies soar around your stomach when his lips connect with yours, your fingers gripping his hair gently. Your free hand rests on his cheek as you kiss him back. Bucky pulls away from you after a minute or so, resting his forehead on yours.

"You're so breathtaking," he whispers before pressing a few more kisses to your lips. You let out a few giggles while Bucky wraps his arms around your waist, twirling you around the pool. "Do you wanna get dinner tomorrow night?"

"Of course I do," you tell him and kiss the tip of his nose. "Do you want to go out or just have dinner in one of our rooms?"

Bucky brings one of his hands to your face, stroking your cheek before pulling you in again. A short moan escapes your lips as he kisses you passionately, your nails digging slightly into his shoulders.

"I want to take you out, doll," he mutters against your lips and your cheeks blush. Bucky trails his lips up your jaw, a shudder running down your spine when he whispers into your ear. "You can get all dressed up and I can bring you to your favorite restaurant."

Your grip on him tightens as he continues to play out your date. You swallow thickly when Bucky's lips move down your neck, nipping at your skin softly. "B-Bucky…" you trail off and the man pulls away from you before looking up at you. "If you keep going I'm not gonna want you to stop."

Bucky pokes his tongue out, wetting his lips before reducing the distance between your faces once again. A loud crash stops the two of you from kissing, both your heads snapping in the direction of the noise.

"Goddamn it, Steve," you hear Natasha scold the tall blonde and you roll your eyes.

Of course. You think to yourself while detaching yourself from Bucky. "Hey, assholes!" You call out with a chuckle and the two of them suddenly stand up, their heads poking over the top of the fence. "Enjoy the show?"

"We did until someone fell over," Nat mumbles as you make your way out of the pool, Bucky following closely behind you.

You wrap your towel around your body, shaking your head at the two of them. "Well, glad you enjoyed the show. If you'll excuse us," you laugh and grab Bucky's hand, leading him away from the pool area.

"Use protection!" Natasha calls out and your cheeks flush, feeling Bucky's fingers lace with yours.

"I'm sorry about them," you apologize while glancing back at the brunette, seeing a stupid grin on his lips.

Bucky shakes his head and catches up to you, dropping your hand before wrapping his arm around your shoulder. "It's alright, doll. I know how Steve can be," he chuckles while you wrap your arm around his waist.

-

A knock on your door wakes you up, a small groan leaving your lips as the sun shines directly into your room. You shield your eyes before looking around the room, seeing the television still on from last night.

"Y/N? Are you awake?" Sam's voice comes through the door and you rub your eyes while throwing the blankets off of you.

You quickly grab your sleep shorts off of the floor, pulling them up before making your way towards the door. "What's going on?" You ask in a groggy tone, looking up at the man in front of you.

Sam chuckles and notices the shirt you're wearing. "Do you know where Bucky is?" He asks and you furrow your brows, glancing towards his door and Sam speaks up before you have the chance to. "He's not in there. Already tried."

"I-" you cut yourself off and shake your head, not remembering if he works today or not. "I have no idea."

Your friend smirks down at you and reaches out towards your shirt. "Well, this is Bucky's shirt. Maybe he's in your room?" Sam assumes and your cheeks heat up while your eyes snap down towards your clothes.

You are indeed wearing Bucky's shirt and you desperately try to remember what happened after the two of you left the pool. Your fingers comb through your hair as you glance back into the room.

"Well, look, if you see him just tell him that I'm looking for him, okay?" Sam mentions and you nod your head.

You close the door after Sam walks away and steps back into the bedroom area. Your heart pounds against your chest as you see Bucky sleeping on the left side of your bed.

The blue-eyed man shifts his sleeping position as you crawl onto the bed, gently running your fingers up his spine. "Buck?" You whisper loud enough for him to hear and he lets out a groan in response.

A chuckle leaves your lips as he turns his head towards you, his eyes opening a bit. "Yeah?" He mutters huskily, causing your heart to flutter at the sound.

"What are you still doing here?" You wet your lips as Bucky turns onto his back, his metal hand resting on his stomach.

"I must've fallen asleep," Bucky mentions and runs his flesh hand through his hair. "Sorry about that."

You shake your head and grab his metal hand, playing with his fingers. "It's quite alright, actually," you grin and Bucky does as well, dropping his hand onto your thigh. "It's been a while since I've cuddled with a man."

Bucky hums and drags his thumb across your inner thigh. "Yeah, me too. Well, with a woman… not a man," he snorts and you let out a loud laugh, covering your mouth with your hand.

"You're fucking ridiculous," you giggle while shaking your head.

"Yeah, well, you love it," Bucky grins and you softly bite your bottom lip.

"That I do, Bucky, that I do."

-

Taglist: @jessalyn-jpeg​ @queen-of-mischief​ @bumblebet-20​ @thewxntersoldier​

[barzzal]

Okay but the fanfic trope where the couple is like “I could totally go without sex longer than you could” and then they’re so miserable until they finally cave?? Mat is so competitive and stubborn he’d absolutely take that challenge

warnings: pg (18+), fluff, sexual and suggestive themes, slightest hint of pining i guess you might miss it, (a/n: i lowkey want this for myself ngl thank u nonnie)

Seven days. That’s how long Mat has been keeping himself from touching you - and frankly, himself too.

It was stupid and foolish just like the time he’s agreed to do the ‘No Nut’ with Beau last November. Clearly, he just can’t think straight when his winning is at stake. 

If you had only asked him, the entire week was torture. Mind-numbing torture. Not to mention how the two of you are just casually throwing your subtle moves onto each other hoping the other would finally cave and just give in. 

But Mat has had to break the habit of underestimating you. Let alone letting you partake in a challenge that he knows you’re eventually gonna win. Hell, you’ve punished him enough just by how you’re constantly hinting on how much you needed him. He knows well enough that you’re just playing with him but Mat, as bad as he wants to win every fight, is beginning to lose his sanity. 

You, on the other hand, weren’t doing as good as Mathew thinks either. You know you’d be able to make him cave just by perking your ass and pressing it against his groin when cuddling, but boy, that man is all about winning more than he’s all about that ass. 

His teasing doesn’t help either. Not that he was the best at it but you’re just so unbelievably attracted to the man that he can literally lift and play with a metal spoon and that would drive you crazy all throughout the day. In deed, torture is an understatement when you’re up against the face of the New York Islanders. 

“I don’t really see the point why we’re even doing this.” you sigh, taking a spoonful of cookie dough ice cream into your mouth in the most unlady-like fashion. 

Mat rolls his eyes and scoffs, “I’m doing this to escape two weeks of laundry and doing the dishes. I have a lot at stake.” he lies, averting his gaze away from how you’re licking off your spoon like a neanderthal. Mat swears that you can be the nastiest person in the room and he would still have his neck broken by you just because he can’t stop looking. 

“I’m just saying,” you stop to swallow, “I’m never gonna admit that I’m a bad driver. That alone is a lot at stake for me as well and I’m not about letting you win either.” 

“But…” Mat looks at you with an arched brow. 

“How’d you even know there’s gonna be a ‘but’?” you question.

“I just know, baby.” he winks and chuckles. “Go on.”

“But- just so you know, should you let me win, tapping anytime of the week will be back on the table.” you tell him innocently as you dig into the cold treat yet again. 

Mathew takes a while to answer but resorts to shaking his head shamelessly, “Hah. Hell no. You’re not getting me that way.” he refuses.

You shrug, so sure of yourself. “Wanna bet?” 

𖥸 

That night, sleep eludes Mathew as he waits for you to turn in for bed. You had to answer an important business call and you have been stuck in front of your computer for the last two hours.

Mat gets up and leaves the bedroom only to find you with your blazer and glasses on, too occupied to even notice him walk into the living room. 

He carefully treads his way to you so as to let his presence be known. You give him a quick glance and decide to turn off your camera and microphone for a while, “I’m so sorry I didn’t think this would take hours.” 

Mat says nothing other than smile and lean towards you to plant a small kiss on top of your head.

He lovingly rubs your back and says, “Go, do your thing, babe.” 

You give him a smile and mouth him a ‘thank you’ when he returns to place a hot cup of coffee on the table. He sits on the armchair in the living room so as to keep distance from you for he didn’t want to become a distraction. He watches you talk in your work language whilst he sips on his decaf. It’ll be a while before you finish up that he might as well wait and go to bed at the same time as you will. 

It was almost two in the morning by the time you’ve finally wrapped up the meeting. Your boss was stuck in Asia so you had to do some adjustments - most of it tailored to her time. You love your job so you didn’t feel the need to complain. On the more important note, however, was the man you love sleeping in your living room. 

You sigh and run your fingers through his hair softly, not wanting to wake him up. 

But of course, being that he’s a light sleeper, you end up doing the opposite.

Mat shifts to see you clearly, fighting himself from closing his eyes due to fatigue, causing your hand to fall and take rest caressing his warm cheek.

“Why didn’t you sleep in the bedroom?” you quietly ask.

“I was waiting for you.” he smiles weakly, admittedly enjoying how your voice sounded in his ears. “Are you finished?” he asks, voice a bit raspy. 

You only nod, leaning to kiss the tip of his nose, but Mat is fast regardless of his groggy state and catches you with his lips instead. 

The kiss is slow and tender. One that’s meant to catch you off guard before you eventually sink into it. 

By the time the two of you break away, your hand was already wrapped around his jaw and a part of his neck, whilst he held you by your waist as you sat on his lap with his other hand already caressing your thigh. 

“I miss you.” he confesses, his voice nearly coming off as a growl. 

“What about the bet?” you ask him, almost whispering. “I know you hate losing.”

He kisses you yet again, the sound waking you even more than the amount of caffeine coursing through your veins ever did. “I fold,” he declares. “you win.”

Your kisses begin to grow deeper once you answer Mat’s invitation. Your legs, just like the other times, miraculously find its way to dangle itself around Mathew. His hands mirrored your body language as it wrapped fittingly around your waist. Neither of you dared to break the kiss even when Mat pulled you closer to enclose himself in between your legs. He stands, a hand in support of your back, the other weaving through your hair as he carefully maneuvered around the coffee table towards your bedroom door. 

When the night’s over, you wake up to his empty side of the bed, only to see him in the kitchen at 7 in the morning — putting away the dishes you left in the dishwasher the night you finally gotten laid after a good seven-day dry streak.

it’s wet weekends!

[akaashisupremacy]

Fated

Summary: You’re dating your ex-fiancee Gojo again, but your relationship hits a crucial crossroad. Do you stay or do you go?

Gojo Satoru  x reader

Multi-fandom Masterlist || HQ Masterlist || Ao3 version

Genre: fluff, angst, exes to friends to lovers   

“You’re hiding something from me.” Gojo Satoru confronts you as you step onto the hallway for spare rooms in Jujutsu Tech.

He is in your way. You try not to get irritated.

“No, I’m not.” you snap. It’s been a long day. You don’t need this. You push him aside and keep walking. Gojo is irritably good at sniffing things out.

He swiftly appears before you again and blocks your way, “What is it?”

“I missed my period.” You stop and cross your arms, “If you really wanna know.”

“Oh.” He mumbles softly. He looks incredulous, as if he is yet to be sure of what he just heard. You walk past him.

“Oh.” he repeats again, eyes widening as the weight of your words dawn. He turns to you.

You leave him standing there, arrested and head to your room. You’re too tired for this.

Gojo watches you enter your room and lie down. He tries to offer you something to eat since you look so pallid under the fluorescent light of the room.

“I’m not hungry. Just sleepy.” you yawn, waving dismissively.

Gojo feels obligated to stay. He looks at you quietly from the door, unable to leave.

“This really isn’t the most opportune of times,” he breathes in, “but are you seeing anyone else?”

“No.” you murmur, “I don’t have the time.”

He walks in to sit beside you, making sure to close the door behind him. You roll over to the other side of the bed away from his gaze.

Gojo knows he is not an easy person to be with. He’s your ex-fiancée for one thing, and he struggles with monogamy for another.

Being able to be intimate with you again was a chance only the gods could’ve intervened. And now that chance is starting to fade. He lies down beside you, his eyes towards the ceiling. At the start of your relationship, it was him who was hesitant. Things are reversed tonight.

“I don’t want to talk. Go away.” you cut in before he says anything, “I’m seeing a doctor soon to make sure.”

He nods understandingly and quietly, but slowly pads out of the room. The weight of the floor lightly creaks under his footsteps. The silence between the two of you dominates the hall.

————————————————————————————

There was a time when you were younger that you would visit Gojo in his family home. After dinner, you’d sneak outside to his family garden to capture fireflies in paper lanterns.

That was a much different time of course. Since then, you’ve been arranged to be married, broken up and begun precariously seeing each other again after ten years.

“Why are you wading around in the darkness?” he asks, sitting on a pile of rocks, his hands inside his pockets.

Neither of you are really kids anymore, but your fondness for fireflies remains. On your occasional stays in Jujutsu Tech for your sorcery job, you like to spend your down time in the gardens at night.

“I need a break from people.” you comment succinctly.

You’re both quiet from a moment. Gojo becomes too impatient for you to start the conversation.

“So what did the doctor say?” Curiosity overcame him.

You lower your lantern by your side, making sure to face away from him as you reply, “She tried to ask if I was married and if my family knew.”

You turn around quickly, waving your hands before he can react, “You don’t need to worry. I’m considering not keeping it...it’s too much time and work…and it made me think about us. I think we should just end things…whatever this is.”

Gojo knew that this day would come. Deep down, he already prepared himself for when your relationship would end. Yet instead of acceptance, indignance rises in his chest.

“How could you let me go so easily? How are you done with us?” he finds himself saying.

He knew his disinterest in monogamy would come to bite him back someday, but he hadn’t imagined himself in a deeply romantic and emotional relationship with you when it happened.

You shake your head. The sounds of crickets and cicadas keep the silences from being too empty.

“Every year I used to wait to see if this was the year we reconciled. If this was the year we would fix things, not necessarily be lovers, but to just be back in each other's lives.” You look to the stars, sitting in a large rock beside him, “I waited maybe 11 years to see it happen even if I didn’t know if it would come at all. And I can wait another lifetime to try again. But I think in this life, our time has to end. This isn’t going to work out, Satoru.”

Gojo feels as if his lungs will collapse. It hurts him even more to know that you do love him but you’d rather he be out of your life.

“Why would you wait another lifetime for me when I’m here now?” he murmurs.

“I can’t have you to myself.” you say simply, “I can’t take this anymore. Even if I’m not pregnant, I want to be the only one in your life.”

“You are the most important person in my life.” he grabs your hand to reassure you. You don’t resist.

You face him, tears running down your eyes, “Then I don’t understand how you can say that and still need someone else.”

Gojo feels his chest crushed with heaviness. The weight spreads to his back, his arms and neck. For the first time in years, he feels helpless.

“We knew this was coming.” you mutter, pulling your hand away to make your exit out of the garden.

Gojo does not chase after you. He notices his bandages are wet.

————————————————————————

Gojo walks around in a daze for the next few days. People always say that he is a man who has everything, but for now he is the man with only questions without answers.

How can he make you stay?

“Gojo,” Utahime nudge, “GOJO!”

She sharply jabs a finger by his side to bring him back to reality. He jerks back, accidentally hitting the wooden walls of the hallway with a resounding thud.

“Are you even listening to me?” she hisses. He hasn’t been paying attention at the school meeting and her temper is rising. How can he go around doing the bare minimum and still be so praised. She was ready to throw a fit.

“Well…we’re kind of expecting…but we might not keep the baby…and ahh…” he uses his full concentration to string together his thoughts.

Utahime stops in her tracks and rubs her temples. Every other conversation she has with him always sends her reeling.

She crosses her arms together, “Let me guess, one of you wants to keep the kid and the other doesn’t?”

“OMIGOSH YES!” Gojo raises his hands as if someone finally gets him, “How did you know?!”

Utahime looks slightly alarmed at his expression. Protective of your privacy, she looks left and right to see if anybody is nearby. She shrugs.

Gojo continues, “These past few days have made me realize how badly I want a family with them. I really want this! Except it made them realize they want a family with someone else…and I’m not sure there’s anything I can do to make them feel the same way.”

His voice softens towards the end of his sentence as he slowly sinks back into his thoughts.

Utahime takes a moment before dispensing her bit of wisdom.

“Having a child with someone is an incredibly huge sacrifice. If you really want this…then you have to make a sacrifice equal in weight. Whatever that will be…” she sighs, adjusting her kimono. “And I have a feeling you haven’t properly explained to her what an open relationship is.”

She peers at him from the side of her eye. His guilty expression confirms her suspicions.

Every now and then, Utahime feels envious of his power. However, today is not one of those days. He has some hard choices to face she would not want to deal with.

—————————————————————— “Hey!”

A week after your last conversation, Gojo spots you in the school and immediately rushes towards you.

In panic, you shove yourself into an empty meeting room and try to shut the door. He jams his foot between the ledge and determinedly peers you from the door crack.

“Oh no, you are not shutting me out. We are going to talk like proper adults.” he insists.

Your instincts kick in. You kick his feet and push him back. You bolt the door shut and slump down behind it. You’re safe for now.

“You can’t keep running away.” he breathes out from the other side, “We need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” you quickly rebut, “Gojo, I have no family. There’s no one to help me. I’m going to be alone if this kid comes out of me.”

Your voice fades hoarsely as you utter the last few words.

“You have me.” his soothes in a contemplative voice.

You want to laugh. This relationship was doomed from the start. You were such a masochist for even trying. You must have been consumed with your attraction to him.

Gojo was no different though— he couldn’t help himself. You both want each other too much and now you both were paying the price.

You shake your head, “You’ll just leave me when things get tough. I’m tired of cleaning after your mess. Why can’t you just let me have my way?”

Gojo has no time to be taken aback.

“Because I don’t want a family with anyone else. I’m desperate to make this work with you.” he pleads, “ Don’t push me away. I have my own doubts about myself, and I understand where you’re coming from but I wish you believed in me more.”

You pretend not to hear him.

“I’ll be here for you and our baby, even if it's not always romantic.” he adds, his voice pleading, “I know you’re terrified that I’ll just leave you but…”

You interrupt him by opening the door. As if on instinct he hides his vulnerability from you. His posture leans back coolly, waiting on your next move.

“Gojo, I’m just frustrated to always be at the mercy of your choices. Don’t you understand?”

His lips part slowly, “If you’re not ready for a family, it’s fine. But don't you want to make this last longer?”

——————————————————

“Oh, Satoru, what have we done?” you quietly murmur, staring at the ceiling of his room.

It’s your first night in his faculty dormitory. You’ve never really been before. His room is too close to the principal’s for a casual date night visit.

Gojo’s long switched off the lights but neither of you can sleep.

“What do you mean? The baby or the wedding?” he chuckles.

You shrug, “Both?”

You shift around the sheets, the linen ruffling under your movement.

He crosses his arms and turns to you, “Well, we’ve established that the first one was an accident. The wedding—well—it’s mostly so you and the baby will be under the protection of the Gojo clan.”

Gojo promised to close his open relationship status until your kid is one and you take his word for it. It is perplexing that the wedding was his idea too. However there was something about his sincerity that you could not refuse

“How long till we regret all this?” you half-murmur, half-sigh.

“Honestly, probably every time we hit a rough patch. But we’re not meant to always be happy anyways.” he sighs lying on his arm. It’s an honest enough answer.

You sit up and put your arms around your waist, “Such optimism you have there. So tell me, oh all powerful Satoru, why are we here then?”

“For me, it's to be able to find and meet you.” he says simply.

He catches you off guard with the tenderness of his words. You reach out to touch the side of his face and gently rub your thumb on his cheek. He presses your hand on his cheek.

“If things fell apart again and you had to wait another ten years for us to fix it, would you?”

He asks so quietly you almost don’t hear him.

Your face flushes under the cover of darkness.

“…Yes, I love you too much. This was never going to be just an arranged marriage for me even when we were younger…then again, I think you already know that.” you admit in a shaky whisper.

Now that you've married him, you've given yourself permission acknowledge your true feelings to yourself. You have always been in love with him. And being apart did not changed that.

Propping himself up by the elbow, you realize his face is so close to yours. You can almost feel the wisps of his long lashes on your cheek.

“I know this isn’t your ideal wedding, but this is more than just a shotgun marriage for me too. You are my fated. And you are the only being I want to go through this with—sorcerer, curse or otherwise.”

You try not to giggle at the mention of curses.

“Through this life and the next?” you said with a small smile.

“Through this life and the next.” he assures firmly, squeezing your hand.

You smile widely and he looks at you fondly. These are your favorite moments with him, when you’re at the brink of losing each other in your gazes.

Gojo breaks your shared reverie.

“Can you kiss me?” he grins cheekily, “As your new husband…”

You kiss his forehead without skipping a beat. He flips over, still propping himself by his stomach.

“So what shall we do on our wedding night? Try for twins?” he smirks.

You roll your eyes extra hard to make sure he sees it. Gojo only laughs.

He shuffles out of bed and tosses you your coat, “Well if you really can’t sleep, we might as well go out and see the fireflies. They look bright tonight.”

You put on your coat and smile.

Another lifetime is too far away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this as a follow up for another Gojo x reader fic who used to be engaged. Check out the other parts!

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6 || Part 7 || Part 8 

A/N: When I first wrote the original four chapters, I had already know that this was how the series would end (even though I didn't plan to write it all the way here). I don't know if I will continue writing. I have some extra material, but I don't really know if I'd like to write it out. If I ever make up my mind to do so, you will see me pop up in your notifs. 

If not, I guess this is the end. if you've gone through all 8 chapters, thank you for joining me in this wild, heartfelt ride! Comment or message to be added to the taglist! Or write down some comments about your feelsssss

Series Taglist: @tokyo-love-hotel@samkysnks@herownescape@cherrianne192@shamelessdonutsludgebanana@kageyamakock@shirostrbl@luvang3l@cloudsinthecosmos@httpjungoo @saturnki  @itstheee-ha-chan@gucci-froggy@soy1melk @dora-the-grownup @cherryonigiri @fiona782 @a--nonymousse @naturakaashi

If you’d like to continue being part of my taglist (JJK or Haikyuu), please let me know! I also write oneshots for both fandoms and soon I’ll be doing BSD too!