#and i know that most people wouldnt do anything to harm me. but still. much as i love the woods and feel safe among the trees because i grew | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

eclipse-rain · 2 years ago

Text

Fwel Tsaheylu (Broken Bond) Part 4

☆☆☆

Part 1 •Part 2 •Part 3

Masterlist~

Once when i was younger i had an accident.

I did something wrong.

What it was is hardly relevent now, insignificant as it was, but at the time it felt as if my small world was collapsing.

My eldest brother, the one i was the weakest to, ended up fixing the situation and my parents never found out it had ever taken place. But to this day my heart still races whenever someone questions how i got the faint scar on the palm of my hand.

As a child who accidentally cut my hand with a blade my first instinct should have been to cry, to ask for help, to tell my mom or dad.

My first instinct instead, was to hide.

To hide my problem. To hide my mistake, my imperfection.

We hide when we dont feel safe. When being seen was unsafe.

As a young uneducated child I somehow felt that sharing my authentic emotion was not going to be safe.

Authenticity and attachment are two equally important needs for a child but if they had to pick one or the other a child would most likely sacrifice authenticity to keep attachment.

This is because we need attachment from our caregivers as children for survival.

This is shown even in animals. Show any kind of weakness and you could be abandoned by your flock. Or in my case, my family and or clan, my safety net.

Mabey this is the cause for the way i distenced myself from anything my young self deemed wrong, unworthy.

My cause for distencing myself from anything human.

If i look back on my younger self now i would not be able to find compassion for the person i was or the situation i endured.

However, if i pictured my siblings being in any of the same circumstances that would be a diffrent story.

You could wonder what happened to a child to make them feel so unsafe to show their own emotions and yet the answer wouldnt be a simple one. Neither would the healing process.

I dont know why or what any of this means, ive never been good at or able to read my own emotions properly.

But i had always been told in my clan that i had a certain air about me.

At first i thought this was because the other na'vi people in the clan thought i was more human like than na'vi, like how they thought of my twin brother. This thought was soon pushed away however because of how i would hear my grandmother often say the same thing about me to my mother and father.

I knew it ment something diffrent then because my grandmother would never say anything harmful about me, much less to my father who was once human before becoming one of the people and Toruk Macto.

Than again, this realization didnt help in figuring out what they had ment otherwise at all. I could only guess, only assume, but never confirm and i would not be one to ask.

I would not be a bother, i would not be a burden, i would not be unworthy of my parents love.

However when i landed on that warm silky sand. The sand of the metkayina clans bay where they dwelled i finally figured out what my previous clan members and grandmother had ment.

~~~

My family had gone ahead of me to the place the metkayina clan dwelled.

We had been forced to fly in last nights storm as we were only a little ways off from where the metkayina clan stayed and father wanted us to power through one last time. During this one of Tuks posessions had been blown away and in my haste i had promised her i would look for it after the storm had passed in an attempt to calm down the destraught child.

I was now flying solo on the calm warm wind currents beyond the reef trying to find the thing that i knew i had no chance of actually finding.

My father had reassured me before hand that we would find safety and a place to rest with the Metkayina people so that i would not need to fear being separated from them even if we did not arrive together.

I had the coordinates, the directions, the knowledge and the talent to handle myself. My mother had been worried and tried to do it herself or have Neteyam go instead but even she knew that at this stage everyone was exhausted from the extensive journey.

One we had never done before and hoped would never have to again. This was something my father was trying to reassure us of by finding a place within the Metkayina clan.

My father knew i would be fine, he knew i was capable of handling myself. I just hoped i believed in myself as much as he did about this.

When you grow up the way i did, in the forest, constantly surrouded by danger, constantly needing to be alert, you develope certain instincts. Gut feelings and sharper sences. I could pride myself on these instincts, the ones i had, they kept me safe and out of danger.

It was something that was built into my body through time, through trial and error. Watching and learning, learning from my mistakes and bettering myself. I may not be as connected with the forest as Kiri but i sure as hell made it so i would know what was going on around me when i was in it. To not only further improve myself to gain my parents aproval and recognition but also to protect myself and my siblings.

This was one of the main reasons my father was so addament to send me. Also because of the whole insident that made us all have to flee our home in the first place. The incident where my siblings were captured by humans in avatar bodies, putting knives to their throats and even going so far as to kidnap Spider who was also human.

If i had been with them at that time i would have, for one, been in my right mind as to not do something stupid like that, which might be the reason they didnt have me come along with them. And i also would have known especially to not bring Tuk along while doing it. But also i would have been able to sence something was wrong, that someone was coming. Hear twigs snapping in an unnatural way, the sound of footsteps indicating how many people were headed our way.

How heavy they were, how tall they were, if they were trying to sneak up on us all or not and which direcrion they were coming from. I would be able to sence all these things. I had taught myself to, spending countless hours alone in the forest training myself while also practicing everything my mother had taught me and everything i had witnessed while observing others, which i had absorbed like a sponge.

My father might have been giving me a chance to prove myself to my mother like how my brothers yearned to prove themselves to him. Rather, to me, i didnt think it would do much but tire me out even more than i already was. And if i was unlucky enough i could even get stranded if my bond with my ikran started acting up again.

Having said that, we were only a little ways off from our destination so this had put my mind at ease about doing it. It seemed to calm my mothers mind as well, who seemed the least willing to let me part with them. It was also reassuring to her and, although i wouldnt admit it, to myself as well, that father had told me to catch up to them after a day and no later even if i had not found what i was sent looking for.

"Wow great idea, make a promise to your little sister to do something dumb when you both know you never break a promise" i said to myself out loud as there was now no one around to hear me.

Technically i never said i would find the thing, only look for it, but now i felt the need to find it before returning or it would nag at my conscience everytime i looked at tuks pouting face. As i knew she would be sulking about it for the next week at least and that wouldnt do after she was already sad enough having to leave her home.

The leather seat of my ikrans saddle burned into the sides of my legs from the extensive riding. I was sure that if i hadnt been wearing my riding pants that i would have had cuts lining my thighs from all the sharp turns i had to make in and around rock formations i had seen too late.

I definitely had burns from the leather because of all the jerking left and right of my ikran i had to do. I had been anxious the whole time we were riding, just waiting for my bond with my ikran to give out and for us both to go tumbling out of the sky together. My family would find out and- oh i couldnt even think about it any further.

But thankfully my ikran had held up and i got comfortable enough to have Tuk sit with me, to take her off my mothers hands, when i felt less anxious that we could possibly fall.

After a while of searching for Tuks posession i was lucky that i had found it and even more so that nothing bad had happened with my ikran or bond while i had been alone and separated from my family.

I had memorised the directions my father had explained and even written down for me and followed them to a tee. I soared over head flying lower to the sea than usual, trying not to give off a threatening posture as i arrived upon my destination.

I arrived in the early morning a day later than the rest of my family to the residence of the Metkayina clan. I saw many of the clans members working and doing chores around as i flew high above them.

They called out to me and i responded in as much of a friendly and non-threatening manner as i could in turn.

Even though my father had reassured me that the Metkayina clan would take them in the day before, i could not help but worry that they might have been turned away and i would have to go in search of them.

Although going in search of my family didnt seem very likely since i knew that even if they were turned away my father would have at least barginned with the Metkayina clans leaders for them to stay at least until i returned.

And when i did return if they could be so kind as to show hospitality until we were rested enough to continue our journey and move on to possibly the next nearest clan or whatever else father and mother had in mind.

When i finally landed on the bay of where the Metkayina clan dwelled i hopped off the back of my ikran onto the warm sand down below. It was an odd and new feeling but not one that was uplesant. What was really unpleasant was the way the people of the clan gathered around me immediately like a hawk to prey, looking at me like i was a meal.

We had learned all about the leaders of the Metkayina clan and how fierce they were before we departed, their Olo'eyktan Tonowari and especially their Tsahik Ronal. We had also learned about their children, the youngest Tsireya and the eldest and heir Ao'noung. This knowledge was deemed necessary for us to have by father if we were to ever make a good first impression or find our place in a diffrent clan.

When i felt their eyes roaming my body as if to look for any weakness they could find and exploit i did as i always would in these situations. I had observed many a time how my mother and father dealt with affairs and how they and other senior members of the clan showed their authority. But since i was suposed to keep a friendly attitude as my father had said i toned it down a bit, simply blocking out any and all ways i could appear weak to my new clan.

Shoulders down and back. Chin up. Hold your head high. Keeping your tail and ears stiff, dont let them twitch, dont move them. Dont fiddle or figet with your hands or anything else. Dont let the gleam in your eyes waver as they stare you down, soaking in every aspect of your being, even if you feel as if your awaiting death row.

And that was it. They backed off. The hungry gleam in their eyes faded out. Usually they relaxed back into themselves and carried on with what they were doing, mostly just ignoring me afterwards. Thats what the people in my clan did when i put up this version of my shield as they had grown used to the flame i had, the fire my heart contained. But the people here were not used to me, they seemed even slightly tense after the gleam had left their eyes, their confidence with it.

'Maybe this is what Grandmother had ment' i thought to myself as i witnessed the situation that played out before my eyes.

Instead of dropping and relaxing their shoulders completly they looked almost scruched up slightly as if I were the one who made them recline into themselves instead of the other way around like they thought it would be.

Yes. I was sure of it now. This is what my Grandmother had ment.

The spark im my heart. The one that i kept under wraps, contained, but that yearned to be set free, that yearned to rage a blazing fire. It peaked its head out at moments, moments like these and when it did it demanded respect. It could enrapture peoples attention and in turn their own hearts.

If only i could use it to its fullest, my fullest potential. But alas, i had to be careful. Be careful so as not to lose control of that spark, of that fire and burn away what i yearned to keep close. What was most precious even over my own heart, my soul, my own true self.

Soon enough a boy who looked around about my age passed through the crowd as they made a clear path for him to walk through. I assumed him to be the first born and heir of the clan, like my eldest brother had been of our former clan.

I had seen him arrive a little earlier then wence he approched me but he seemed to be looking on from afar and observing the situation, possibly seeing how i would react and if i would recline into myself or step up to the challenge. Thats what his eyes were telling me, they were hungry like the others had been and they still were after seeing my 'little performance'.

As he approched i put my hand to my head and brought it downwards lightly as a sign of respect. I had expected him to make some sly remark, even though i had always been told to 'never judge a book by its cover' by my father, but to my surprise, although i didnt show it, he returned my gesture in full.

His eyes still told an entirely diffrent story and i was far too used to that look to fall for it at this age. Yes, I'd play along. We could be civilised to each other as of right now, but in that moment i could tell with every ounce of my being that we both had the same thought.

'If you so much as step one foot out of line you'll answer to me'

Preditor had met preditor head on and prey hid for their lives. Of course this was all coated underneath a layer of politeness for the sake of peace and friendship. For the chance that would be given to the other until it was knowingly going to be broken one way or the other.

But he didn't know me. He didnt know what game he was playing, what game he was getting himself into. He had no idea what kind of self control i had. And if you havent already gathered from what you've read so far, I'll tell you, its a whole fuxking lot.

I could play the long game, the fun part was just watching how long he could keep up.

My attention was captured as my youngest sister ran up to me eagerly followed by my parents one after the other. They had heard word of my arrival after having kept look out for me for all of the time i was gone. Tuk started to search my body for her possession before she started jumping around when i returned it to her. Quickly there after, she hugged the lower half of my body as if she was latching onto me for dear life. I was embraced multiple times by my parents as well before i was hauled off to help my three other siblings who were setting up our new sleeping area.

As i went to see my new living quarters for the first time, with a new outlook on the situation i was thrust into with the rest of my family, i had a final thought.

'Maybe my new home wont be so bad after all'

~~~

Oh boy was i wrong. So very wrong.

I was standing waste deep in the water off the bay where the Metkayina clan resided. The first day of arrival had been given to my family for rest but i didnt get to indulge in that pleasure as we were quickly thrust into learning the ways of the Metkayina people. Today my siblings and i would be learning how to ride an ilu guided by Tsereya, Ao'nung and their friend Rotxo's instruction.

Apart from the semi-welcome, semi-unwelcome welcoming my family had recieved upon arrival they had not been hesitant to tech us all their ways and i was now starting to find my way here. Tuk had picked it up fast with Tsereya as her mentor and Kiri was a natural as usual without any instriction nessecary. My elder brothers Neteyam and Lo'ak had been taken to another area away from the rest of us to learn from Ao'nung and Rotxo. I wondered how they were doing and if it was going as well as how my sisters and i were doing.

Us three got lucky. Tsireya was a gentle soul. She was very kind and made sure to look after Tuk as the youngest. I cringed when i thought back to how my younger sister Kiri had informed me after my arrival, while snickering, that our older brother Lo'ak had eyes on her from the moment they had landed. She seemed to like him too, much to his delight. I would be happy to have her as my sister if it turned out that way but felt sorry if she was going to get stuck with my troublesome twin in the process.

With Tsireyas guidance i had picked up how to ride an ilu fairly quickly. It wasnt as hard as i thought it was going to be. I was nervous that i wouldnt get it right at the start, especially since about every joint in my body still ached from my extra long flight, but Tsireya made it feel more fun than like a chore.

As i first sat myself down onto the saddle of the ilu i stroked his head and leaned down to whisper to him a silent prayer. Wheather it was to the ilu, myself, Eywa or all three i wasn't completely sure.

'Please, please work. Keep on being normal like you have done so for the past few days.'

The ilu chittered in response, most likely not understanding me at all but it felt somehow reassuring even so.

Nothing had gone wrong over the past few days and i was starting to actually grow uneasy instead of being happy about it. It was almost like the calm before the storm and everyone knows how that scenario ends.

After Tsireya helped Kiri onto her ilu she had gone off on her own without a hitch, Tsireya then went to help and guide Tuk after making sure i could handle myself as the eldest there.

"I will stick beside Tuk the whole time, as she is a child. Please feel free to go off on your own and dont be burdened" she had said

"Yes, thank you" i replied after hoisting myself up onto the ilu i was given

It was definitely a new feeling, like the sand had been. Although it was not unpleasant, it did give me a certain anxiety. It was a joint mix of wheather or not my bond would work, if i could hold my breath long enough and if i could steer it properly because it was not my ikran.

But i was also partly excited. Excited to see the world below, like i knew Kiri was. She only had one thing on her mind ever since father had told us where we were heading for our destination.

Deciding to follow her i had my ilu go forward just like Tsireya had taught us to do. I wanted to see the look on my younger sisters face as she witnessed all her dreams about this place become real. And what a sight to behold it was. The way the water wrapped around me so tightly as i made my decent down into the depths below made me feel safer than i ever did in the forest.

It felt like being swaddled in a big blanket and as if none of my worries could reach all the way down here, just like how it felt when i would fly for hours on end up in the sky on my ikran. I saw Kiri off on her own not too far away, admiring the scenery and playing with little fish and other underwater animals i hadn't seen before that passed us by.

Down here the water was crystal clear and the sun danced off of every surface it touched making a kaleidoscope of patterns along them. I watched kiri as she let her body sway with the flow of the water as she rode her ilu, i copied her mannerisms and found how much easier it made riding my ilu properly already.

I let the water guide me as i passed under her, scanning the ocean floor and tracing my long slender fingers across any shells i saw in passing. I looked back and noticed kiri following me doing much the same thing. She noticed me and we both shared a smile as i could tell in that moment that we also shared the same feeling in or hearts.

Until mine was spiked by anxiety.

I couldn't breath. I had been intending to go up for air soon but now i couldn't breath for another reason. The calm before the storm. I knew it would never last, i was now in that storm. I could feel myself losing control once again and i almost screamed at myself in rage, losing any breath i still had.

With what control i had left over my tsaheylu with my ilu i rushed towards the surface as fast as i could, leaving Kiri behind. I felt my ilu thrashing around as it was loosing my guidance and instruction but we eventually broke the suface of the water. I felt the buring in my lungs cease as i gasped in the air i was presented with.

I quickly detached my que from my ilu and broke the bond. My ilu gradually calmed down with just a few pats and strokes from myself and began chittering away to itself once again in no time.

Kiri broke through the water not even a minute later. After following me to the surface she had an odd look on her face.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah i just needed a breather, you know?" I replied to her questioning, noticeably out of breath as my heart raced a million miles a minute.

"Me too. It's hard to hold your breath for that long. We still need to get used to some things here."

"Yeah..." i was glad i didnt have to be the one to explain myelf, she seemed to have covered all the excuses i had whipped up in the minute i had to think about what i might say. It wasn't exactly like i was lying though, i really was planning on going up to gather my breath anyway.

I was just witholding a small piece of information that wasnt necessary to give her at all. It would only stress her out.

Tsireya and Tuk had joined us not long later to catch their breath as well and with that we all joined back up with the boys for a joint lesson on breathing.

The sun was setting behind us as exlipse was drawing nearer and we all sat in a circle to focus on the techniques shown to us by the kids of the Metkayina clan. By now with todays techings we had all picked up the basic nessecities of the skills we needed to not be a nuisance to the Metkayina clan while staying with them from here on out.

Thanks to these techings i learned how to hold my breath for longer which was a good experience except for the fact that i had to sit next to Lo'ak and witness as he spluttered nervously like a love struck fool when Tsireya so much as touched him.

I looked over at Kiri and made a face before we both erupted in fits of giggles, working hard to stifle our laughter so as not to embarrass our brother any more than he was doing so on his own. The day faded away into eclipse with laughter and hearts that were full.

I know i said i was wrong about thinking staying here wouldn't be so bad after all but...

Thats not the bad part.

In fact everything started off relatively normal. Everyone was kind and happy but i wonder if that really all was just a facade. Just a layer of politeness over everyones real feelings for the sake of diplomacy. I couldn't tell what the future held then, but even if i tried i sure as hell wouldn't have guessed in a million years.

Though it did start going downhill the way i always knew it would. Because there would always be people who saw us, my family, my siblings and even i as less then na'vi, as human, as alien.

My brother, my twin, being treated as live fish bait and what was i doing? Absolutely nothing. I should have been there for him, i shouldnt have let that happen and even worse he took the blame for all of it. For that a$$hole Ao'noung who started this whole mess and i bet didnt even thank my brother in return for covering for him.

Our parents might not have been able to tell Lo'ak was covering for Ao'noung or maybe they did but they didnt see what had happened themselves so they just had to take the word of the one owing up to it. Either way i knew my brother and even if i had not seen what had happened between the two of them or outside the reef where he was attacked i wouldnt believe his pretty lies.

He was not the type to own up, as much as it pains me to say, our older brother was always the one to stick up for him. And even when he did Lo'ak would never retaliate and say it was his fault and not our elder brothers, letting him take the blame as he pleased. I knew my twin did not do this because it came from a bad place, because he had a bad heart, but because he was scared.

I knew that much, we were twins after all, like i said before, it would be wierd if we didnt have at least a couple things in common. But i suppose i wouldnt know as much as i used to about him now, we had grown more separated than we used to be. I take the responsibility for that due to my own fear. We both feared the unknown, he feared failure and letting people down and so did i.

Mabey we were, are, more alike than i had previously thought. As we grew further apart i started to think that we never really had anything in common but how would i really know since we never talked deeply about anything. We didnt confide in each other, we didnt know what the other was thinking and somethimes i wondered or even hoped that he might feel the same as me.

Only this time in a diffrent way. I thought it might be the case when we all saw him return safely, he owned up and my father said the harshest words he could have to him.

"You dishoner this family"

I could only imagine how my brother was feeling but as for me i felt them in my soul. We are twins so i could assume Lo'ak felt the same, only much worse since he was the one those words were directed at.

But they made me feel sick to my stomach, when i heard those words it dropped straight down and then lurched upwards like i was being spun around and around. This was because we are twins, he is one half of me, the other half of me. I felt those words to my core and they whispered that i was next.

Sometimes i think theres something wrong with me.

I have both my parents and my siblings. Theyre all nice people and none of them have died. I have a nice home, a nice clan and a nice grandmother. I have people who will support me through anything. So when i see them in front of me i know i should feel something...but i dont.

These are the people who raised me, who are my parents, who love me. They gave me a home and shelter, they fed me and protect me. They are the people i call to when i have a problem that i cant fix on my own or when im sick because i need thay sense of familiarity. Because they are my safety net. The only safety i know, they always have been.

So i know i should love them, i should reciprocate these feelings...but i dont. I look at them and i feel nothing. I think ive been tricking myself into thinking that i really do feel something, that i really love them and that i dont feel like its just because they were the only ones who protected me as i grew up. Because i had no choice in the matter and no one else to give me that sense of familiarity and safety.

And when i came to realise this, that i had been tricking myself, living in my own ignorance and delision, i started to act...started to lie. I thought 'well if i can trick myself what would be so hard about showing that emotion outwards and making life better for everyone else with a little white lie'.

'Lying is a form of love'.

With this white lie people would then begin to say 'you look happier as of late', 'you smile more now', 'you've changed', 'im glad your finally opening up to us'...

No. Its a lie. Its all a lie!

This isnt the real me.

Its just the me that keeps the peace, keeps the balance, keeps a sembalance of normality and familiarity because im scared of letting go, im scared of the outcome and im scared of hurting others even when i dont mean to. But how can i help it if its what i really feel, if its the real me, I cant help it, i dont know whats wrong with me....so i just lie instead. Its the better option...for everyone, everyone but me.

You often times hear how mothers or fathers do not feel connected with their child after its birth. They feel nothing towards this child and feel great grief over it, knowing they should feel all these diffrent emotions toward their child. They think somethings wrong with them but then over time as they are around the child more and watch it grow they learn to connect to the child, to love it. They watch them become their own person and the cycle might continue once that child becomes an adult and has children of its own, it has done so with many others.

I feel like that too. Can it be the same thing but the opposite way around, with the child being the one who wants to learn to love their parents? It wasnt always like this, i think i used to love them but my memories of my childhood have all faded into one big blur. I cannot recall any memories save for a few that have impacted me the most and only these i recalled recently or have kept with me and never once have left my mind. So i want to learn how to love them again, not just for them but also for me.

Lying and acting go hand in hand. One cannot exist without the other. You lie to act and you act to lie.

Thats the way i see it. Because i have known no diffrent. I do not know how to portray my feelings, my emotions, outwardly...not the real ones at least. So i lie. I lie and i act and i lie some more. Over and over and over again until i get twisted up in this web, this net of lies and fall down the rabbit hole until i dont even remember what i was like before. Before the lies, before all of it.

I dont know who the real me is anymore. But there is one thing i know, one thing i cant do.

Imagine this ; your going to bed at night and your parent comes to see you off one final time before you fall into your dreamland, and they say 'goodnight, sleep tight', 'see you in the morning', 'I love you'.

All the normality in the world, all the feelings and safety that should make you feel happy but all you feel instead is grief. Grief at yourself for only being able to reply back with a 'Okay' or 'Night' or a 'See you tomorrow' but never being able to utter the words 'I love you'. Because they carry so much weight to you, so much raw emotion that you cannot let escape from your being in fear. Pure fear of the unknown, of what will happen if you put these feelings on display, for the whole world to see.

Its not that i hate them, my parents, i just need to relearn how to let love win over fear, let them take my worries so i can love without restraint. Its like my heart is aching to be let out of its confinments within my chest where its tamed and trained to let the outershell act and lie while it rots away my entire being from the inside out.

Because 'I love you' are the only words i cannot speak out loud.

They are the only words i cannot bring myself to lie.

☆☆☆

@jakesully-sbabygirl @dreamsholdpowers @alohastitch0626 @1ntefly @arminsgfloll @bobojojoba69 @bucky12345 @destinylb @exactlyhappyflower @eternallyvenus @heart-an0n

(Everyone who used to read this is gone by now just watch😭✋)

#avatar #avatar way of water #avatar x reader #avatar x you #fanfiction #jake sully #kiri sully #lo'ak sully #neytiri #neteyam sully #tuk sully #platonic sully family x reader #platonic x reader #platonic

189 notes · View notes

freebooter4ever · 6 months ago

Text

does anyone else have tropes in their own writing that would only make sense to them? if you've ever read multiple fics of mine and come across any background character named 'janet' or any character whose name starts with a 'j' or is similar to that - those are all the same character. Its this weird obsession of mine - to put real life people into my fanfic. And each 'janet' is a new version of my great aunt janet who was, to put it kindly, a holy terror. She was mean to everyone, she hated children (though she tolerated me because i silently did everything she told me to and would help her shell peas on the farm when we visited), and she died old and alone. But her life was pretty sad too - she grew up when women weren't educated much, and she never married and instead of living her own life was left by her older brothers as the caretaker of their mother, basically until the day she died. So in my stories all my 'janet's lead beautifully full and happy lives with lots of friends. None of the main plots are about janet, obviously, but if i need a side character i just plop her in there and invent a better life for her than the one she was stuck with.

I do this with grandma too. If there's a random little old lady in my fic it's probably based on grandma. The most popular being Eleanor from DOA. I even wrote a short story about an old woman who knits and spins her own yarn, and pricks her finger on the spinning wheel to become a superhero and save her suburbs from aliens, but instead of fighting the aliens ends up befriending them and adopts them as a sort of alien cat breed. It was entirely based on grandma jojo, who -if you think my insecurities are bad - is even worse when it comes to believing she can do anything. She doesn't think she can do anything right, so she never wants to do anything because she knows she won't do it well. This baffled grandpa jojo, who used to try to teach her about airplanes and rockets and wanted her to go to college. And this equally baffled me my whole life - when i was really little i apparently wouldnt let her just sit beside me, i made her draw too. So all my stories feature larger than life superhero grandma characters.

And lavender - this is one people have caught me on, lol. Because I use it every chance I get. Grandma callyerdogsoff was a poet and an artist herself, but writing her into stories as a character feels impossible. So instead i use her signature scent. She died in 2010 but sometimes if i think about her i can still smell lavender.

People belittle fangirls, fanfic, and fanartists and say this stuff isn't worth anything compared to 'real' creative work but. I dunno. There's so much more to it than people imagine. I know none of my writing will last beyond my lifetime, and that none of these little tropes will be teased out of it like in english lit class. So whats the harm in writing within already built communities that share an established passion? My 'original' work always feels lonelier than the stuff written with an audience in mind. Why is writing my original work so much better when it just sits there and is never seen by anybody other than me. Compared to the fanfic where im writing my stories about other people's characters and using my words and my particular quirks...and usually interacting with a whole community of friends and fellow writers.

#Jrnlsht #Ignore me im feeling the sting of failure extra hard tonight #There is that sudden drop of self hatred when i near the end of a project #And i start thinking too much and looking at everything i have wasted my life on and how little i have accomplished #And how all of this still sums up to me being scared that everything im doing wont be enough to keep me going #get me more work and let me survive just a little longer

20 notes · View notes

pinetreeshack · 2 years ago

Note

do you have any thoughts on fiddleford and ciphord interacting because I fucking love that shit. its always SO tense

oh boy do i!! lots of words under the cut

fiddleford is VERY standoffish and realises the cue when bill possesses ford almost immediately. at first, of course, ciphord tended to roam around in private. fiddleford being blissfully unaware of anything, until a lot of his triangle memorabilia started to find itself as common decor in their living room and kitchen. fords obsession with it was.. weird, at first, but fiddleford knew what he signed up for when he agreed to help him. he knew what it was like to want to find something in a higher being, and respected fords beliefs diligently, until ford started bringing his posessions and ramblings outside of his worship room.

i would even go so far as to say fiddleford was probably the first other human being bill came into contact with when he started posessing ford. its uncomfortable, and awkward, and fiddleford doesn't get it, but who is he to deny someone of their god? he'll try to distance himself from ciphord, but ultimately fail, because that is his partner, demon or not. even though he knows bill wouldn't purposely bring physical harm to fords body (at least while building the portal, anyway. anything after would've probably been free game considering it would've been the end times. thats fun to think about. weirdmageddon in the 80s. has anyone explored this idea? probably. anyway) instead he resorts to a sort of 'helicopter-parent' like state. he's hyper-aware, ciphord is scary, and even fiddleford catches himself scoffing at how silly it is to be afraid of a literal triangle (putting his own beliefs behind him for a minute to instead try and understand another. but it is no longer a belief. it's a parasite.), but there are risks on the line when it comes to his friend.

at first bill tried to play it off. maybe he wont notice this guys shockingly yellow scleras or the way his pupils keep shifting shapes from time to time. (wouldnt be surprised if he wore shaded glasses. ford did keep multiple spares, who's to say he didn't have special possession ones). as i said in the tags of a previous post, bill can sort of manipulate peoples perceptions of him, meaning you will most likely never see him unless you want to see him.

that's where i think a lot of their interaction comes from. fiddleford can't help but see ford, therefore he has no choice but to interact with bill, no matter how much ford denies the possession or this other wordly being, and no matter how much religious belief or superstition gets in fiddlefords way, he has no choice but to accept the facts as he sees them (even if sometimes, what he's seeing isn't real.) maybe he thinks acknowledging bills existence will further push him into madness.

perhaps we shouldn't give all the credit to fiddlefords genius when we were told the speed at which fiddleford crafted the memory gun. (which is kind of ironic, when you think about it)

rambling a bit more here, but this also brings me onto a fun topic that i've thought about before: ciphord (bill) using the memory gun on fiddleford to erase his memories of witnessing countless possessions and lost mental battles between ford and bill. it stops after a while, because bill realises just how fragile and frying it is to constantly take over someones body. he still thinks the memory gun is a neat little toy, though.

#ask #as you can tell i have not slept and im very passionate on this #feel free to add with headcanons or theories if you bothered to read all of this

24 notes · View notes

bisexualpotterhead · 2 years ago

Text

Dead Poets Society boys = Marauders boys (parallels)

So, i think we can all agree that the Dead Poets Society boys reminds us so much of our beloved Marauders. And this thread is just to tell which character from DPS is like another character from The Marauders Era.

JAMES POTTER = NEIL PERRY + KNOX OVERSTREET

I think, James is most like Neil Perry in this movie. The ringleader of the group, kind and including of everyone, and the typical golden boy, very bright and extroverted. Protective and loyal to the people he love. A troublemaker to an extent (never doing harm). Also, his death is the great tragedy of the story, like James.

But, he is also like Knox Overstreet, on that whole lady business. Knox is totally infatuated with Chris (*cough* Lily Evans *cough*), and would do anything for her, even make a fool out of himself just to get her. Like James. Also, that grin that Knox has, you cant tell me that James didnt have that grin too!!

2. SIRIUS BLACK = CHARLIE DALTON

Well, this is pretty obvious i believe. Charlie Dalton (Sirius) the best friend of Neil perry (James), like the Marauders. Charlie, like Sirius, is always the more reckless, rebellious and impulsive one, the very extroverted charming friend, who sometimes tend to do things that harm others, tho not on purpose. They are also the official drama queen of their groups. His family is very rich, like Sirius' family, and he has "FRUITY" written all over him. Also Sirius/Charlie, definitely had a thing for Remus/Meeks.

3. REMUS LUPIN = STEVEN MEEKS.

Now, Meeks and Remus are very much like each other. They are both the "Smart guys", Charlie mentioning Meeks to excel in Latin, Trig and English, the main classes, where i can imagine that Remus is excelling in Charms, DADA and Transfiguration.

Meeks is willing to try anything at least once (except sex), and is a willing participant in most of the dumb shit his friends are doing, but he doesent seem like the type to do dumb shit, much like Remus.

Also, Remus/Meeks has a very good friendship with Frank/Pitts, and Frank/Pitts were closer to Remus/Meeks, than the others guys, whereas Remus/Meeks is more close to the other guys, but still a good friend to Frank/Pitts.

Also Remus/Meeks definitely had a thing for Sirius/Charlie, and they did fuck many times.

4. PETER PETTIGREW = TODD ANDERSON + RICHARD CAMERON

Now, i know many will probably disagree with me on this, but just hear me out.

Now, Peter is like Todd in many ways.

Todd is the shy kid. Or well, he was the shy kid until he was included by Neil, just like Peter was included by James (or so i would like to believe). He is a sweet boy and love his friends a lot (like the young Peter did). Todd struggles a lot in his classes and is afraid of presenting and confrontation like young Peter was. Todd was always outshined by his friends and brother, like Peter, but they both didnt mind very much. Todds friends tried to include him as much as possible, like the Marauders did with Peter in their Hogwarts years.

Buuuuut... Cameron was also like Peter. We see that in the bad qualities. Like, the betrayal Cameron did to Mr. Keating and to the Dead Poets. The way Cameron was reluctant to be a part of the Dead Poets schemes and rulebreaking, but still wanted to be a part of the group nontheless, like Peter with the Marauders. Both Cameron and Peter were weaker than their friends, and they both knew it, and betrayed them to be better/stronger than their friends. Also, the fact that they both got punishment for their betrayals, Cameron being punched in the face by Charlie, and Peter being killed by his own hand.

5. FRANK LONGBOTTOM = GERARD PITTS

Pitts were a part of the Dead Poets, but not that close with everyone (except Meeks/Remus). He liked to be their friend and he was a part of the the Dead Poets meetings and he talked with everyone quite well, but he wouldnt call himself their best friend.

The same with Frank Longbottom and the Marauders. Of course, in this case he wasnt a part of the Marauders like Pitts were with the Dead Poets, but they were both friends with everyone in their groups, but mainly close to one person, Meeks/Remus.

They are also both quite good in school and smart, but not that remarkable or outstanding, like their peers.

They are both sweet and kind boys, pretty much just a character that is "there", and not someone holding that much purpose in the storyline, but still a important character nontheless.

6. MINERVA MCGONAGALL = JOHN KEATING

Mr. Keating is like Minerva McGonagall in the teaching sense.

Mr. Keating were the Dead Poets favourite teacher, and he inspired them all. The Dead Poets also held a special place in his heart, despite all the dumb things they did. He was a brave professor, and he taught his students the way he wanted to, and was even fired for the ways he taught.

The same with Minerva. She was the Marauders favourite teacher too, and she also inspired them. They held a special place in her heart, and you cant convince me that Minerva didnt cry like Mr. Keating did, when she discovered that James/Neil was killed.

41 notes · View notes

thebimarauder · 2 years ago

Text

All for the game blurb post canon that i thought of today

A little angsty but when is AFTG not

credits for characters go to Nora with a little twist

TW: mentions of: depression, self harm, and suicide attempt

Neil: “Hey drew is something wrong?”

Andrew: “No”

Neil: “Are you sure you look a little upset”

Andrew: “Im fine junkie”

Neil: “Arent you always telling me im not allowed to say that?”

Andrew: “...”

Neil: “Umm okay but are you sure im worried? Will you at least talk to bee dont you have an appointment tomorrow im sure she wouldnt mind-”

Andrew: “do you really want to know how i feel neil fine if you care so much ill tell you. i hate most people and when i say that i really do mean it. i hate myself. i hate the fact that i was born in the wrong body and that there’s nothing i can do about it. i hate that i have boobs, i have boobs neil what kind of man has boobs and a vagina. i hate that i have this body but it makes me a trans gay man which makes a lot of people hate me and that coincidentally is one of the only things i don’t hate about myself. i hate the fact that i’m so fucked up and no matter how hard i try or how much time i put in with bee nothing will ever make me better.

i hate Aaron for hating me when i saved him and although i understand i just don’t get why he still doesn’t care because i obviously care and even you being so stupid as you are can tell that i care but he can’t. i hate Nicky for giving away his whole life and happiness for me and Aaron but i can also never thank him enough and that makes me so angry with myself that i’m happy that he fucked up his whole life but i’m so great full and i don’t know how to tell him.

i hate wymack for giving me a chance and agreeing with my stupid idea to bring along aaron and nicky. he should have left me to rot and moved on to some other fucked up teen. i hate kevin for pulling me into all of this shit but also for giving me something to live for because now i’m alive every day dreading getting out of bed because although everything is far better now than it ever has been before in my entire life i still feel a weight on my chest both metaphorical and physical that i can’t get rid of and now because of kevin i still wake up to that every day. i hate bee for not giving up on me because somehow it worked enough that i’m able to talk about some things now and i don’t want to talk about them or even think about ever again. i hate myself for scaring people but i’m not even doing anything other than protecting myself and my family and i am called a terrifying monster. i hate myself for not fighting enough when i was younger and giving in to my darkest thoughts but i also hate that i didn’t go through with them which makes me hate myself more bc who wishes to die and then hates themself for not going through with it even when they have never been happier.

and above all neil i hate you because before you i felt nothing and now i feel everything. the good and bad and it’s more than i can deal with and i don’t want to throw anything on you but i can’t do it myself because you made me open myself up and you made me weak. You made me get off of the meds and you caring about me hurts because why have i never gotten that before in life but it is also the thing that makes all of the hate go away for a minute because although i say it all the time i don’t actually hate you neil i think i love you and it terrifies me. so there i said it i’m falling apart and losing my marbles and becoming the hateful monster everyone thinks i am and it’s all because of you. and i can’t do it. “

Neil: “…drew “

Andrew: “rabbit “

Neil: “fuck drew “

Andrew: “…”

Neil: “i love you so much “

Andrew: “no you don’t “

Neil: “yes i do. don’t you dare tell me that i don’t love you because i do i always have. you are the only one to make me feel this and it’s love. i’ve always known but i wasn’t sure if you were ready but drew i love you and i know things are hard and you don’t feel like yourself and there’s years worth of tension with your family but i promise we will figure it out together like we always have because you are andrew minyard the strongest person i have ever met and i am hopelessly in love with you and would do anything to make you as happy as you make me and i will never stop tying. “

Andrew: “rabbit “

Neil: “you can’t hate yourself like that because then you are hurting the person that i love most in the world and i can’t let you do that “

Andrew: “Junkie”

Neil: “No i mean it drew you are amazing and wonderful and so lovable and i dont know how everyone else dosent see it and i dont know how you dont see it. I mean think of all of the amazing things you have done, you saved aaron multiple times, you saved nicky from those guys at the club, you got matt off the drugs, you protected kevin, you saved me “

Andrew: “No i-”

Neil: “Yes you did drew you saved me and i love you for you and for all of that and i will never stop loving you so you better stop hurting yourself bc you said you would never hurt me and you hurting yourself physically or emotionally hurts me “

Andrew: “I will try “

Neil: “Good and i know you said you are not super comfortable with your body but i just wanted you to know that I think you are the most beautiful person ive ever seen, you are like a greek god, strong, golden, powerful, and so fucking hot and even if you have moments or days of dysphoria or dislike for your body i will never stop thinking that you look amazing. And if you ever want to talk about this in more detail i am always here and would love to learn how to help “

Andrew: “Thank you rabbit “

Neil: “Of course drew and about the other thing i cannot imagine how hard it was growing up in the situations that you did but i am so so fucking happy that you did not go through with trying to end it. And i know that now you are feeling more emotion than ever before because of the meds and pushing everything down and that it feels so scary and horrible right now it also lets you feel the good and happy and love from family and friends and I know you may not like everyone but after the last few months everyone loves you me most of all so im really happy that you can feel that now and know how much we care “

Andrew: “I… i dont know what to say i bottled everything up for so long and now its overwhelming and i just dont know what to do or how to make it go away again “

Neil: “If you knew how to make it go away again in a healthy way i think you would make millions because no one has gotten that answer yet but if you ever need anyone to hold you up when everything feels particularly heavy i am not going anywhere if you need to cry, scream, hide, be held i will be here no questions asked and do everything i can to help all you need to do is ask for help so that it dosent get to this low of a point again because i never want to see you so low again “

Andrew: “Did i scare you “

Neil: “No drew never but you did worry me you were so out of it and not responding and then you exploded with all of these things that you have never brought up before and that made me scared for you “

Andrew: “Im sorry “

Neil: “You have nothing to be sorry for now how about we curl up and watch a movie so you can have a break from the feelings and then we can talk some more later “

Andrew: “Okay “

Neil: “Okay lay with me drew? Yes or no?”

Andrew: “Yes, kiss me junkie? Yes or no? “

Neil: “Always yes “

#all for the game #all for the gay #andrew minyard #neil josten #Andreil #aaron minyard #nicky hemmick #kevin day #david wymack #betsy dobson #trans andrew minyard #trans masc #trans man #transgender #gay #demisexual #aftg #trans

15 notes · View notes

ajdrawshq · 2 years ago

Note

ztd crossover with kh but it's just Carlos meeting Terra, Diana meeting Aqua and Sean meeting Ven. Cursed or blessed concept. Go

HM. WELL. i immediately leaned toward cursed bc like (gestures vaguely at ztd) but that feels mean so im gonna try putting some thought into this

Carlos and Terra :] very good pair for the most part i think. just 2 big older bros doing what they do to try to help people.. but it all goes to shit kupo. i can see them getting along pretty well, both due to their personal experiences and bc of who they are in general. also now that i think abt it its kinda funny that both of them happen to be plagued by visions but only Carlos' have an actual explanation?? Terra morphogenetic field moment?? even funnier is that both of them have the same "welp. anyway" reaction to it like yeah this just happens sometimes 👍 kind of unfortunate Terra couldnt use his to prevent bad things from happening too but oh well. its not like hopping timelines is that easy in his universe anyway. Terra still gets bonus points on an individual level bc while there was very little he couldve done differently there Are things Carlos couldve just uh. not done. yknow. things that i think Terra would kick his ass over tbh

Diana and Aqua.... oof. on god we're gonna get u girls some therapy. they were both so severely fucked over by like. literally everything from ingame events to the narrative itself. trapped in two different but absolute hellholes of sitautions for Very Long Amounts of Time and only called upon as a pawn in a game that both defines and ruins their lives and their entire world, and they barely even know it. and the only people they get to talk to at some point in their respective hells are Sigma and Micheal Mouse (and Terra sort of).. yea i think id lose it too tbh. its interesting that Diana was a 100% crucial part of why ztd happened while Aqua's role in Xehanorts plan wasnt really until ddd/kh3 unless u count him planning the whole end of bbs.. before that she was more of an outside force? not that taking her out wouldnt change anything ofc but her direct actions were more harmful to the overall plan than going according to it. i might need to play bbs again to confirm that more but uhh i forgot where i was going with this. i could see them getting along but i dont really remember enough about Diana as a person to know just how well they would? i guess itd at least be nice to have someone else who knows what their oddly specific and horrific situations are like, more or less

finally Sean n Ven.. Man. talk abt kids who cant catch a break for their entire lives no matter how outragously short OR long. they both just have a Lot going on and play some of the most major roles in their respective stories and god knows they didnt ask for any of it!! tho weirdly enough i dont feel much for Sean considering how he fits into the kinda characters i usually get attached to. but maybe thats just bc it was ztd. anyway !! out of the 3 duos here i think these two are most likely to become actual friends. from the memory fuckery to having a greater role in everything than they couldve imagined (both of them essentially being a key at some point..) to even just. having a very limited world in some way. and not having full control over their bodies. and several other major things im probably forgetting they both have. lots and lots and lots of things. they are friends to me

and just some general other thoughts - while im. not entirely sure how to feel abt what ztd does with the morphogenetic field i can at least appreciate the weird memory stuff that comes with body hopping and the possibilities that has when tied to all the other weird memory stuff that already happens in kh for similar or different reasons. like the way ztd (and vlr to some extent) went about it didnt quite hit the way i wanted it to but the concept is cool to me? itd be fun to play around with it in the context of kh i think. or vice versa. altho maybe introducing multiple timelines to the kh universe isnt the best idea.. hm. much to think about

but yeah!!!! overall verdict: mostly blessed with some underlying hints of cursed. like a weird aftertaste

#just realizing that i wrote the whole Diana n Aqua one under the assumption that Diana would remember that but i #honestly have no idea if she does.?#ive been thinking abt this for DAYS u have no idea #i feel like i couldve gone more in depth with most of this but every time ive gone to write more on this its been like 6am #ty for this tho it was fun trying to think abt all this :3 #id like to hear what u think abt each of em as well - i never thought abt the parallels between em all but they do fit each other well #ask #mortellanarts #ztd #kh

3 notes · View notes

hardtoimagineblaireverchanging · 4 months ago

Text

this could be the most incoherent string of text you have ever read but i want to try as hard as i can to sum up how im feeling, even though there are no words

i just sang through this is home and my voice sounded relatively deep, but not deep or masculine enough. i look down at my hands and they dont look like mine, they dont feel real, neither does my body, nor do i. im this close to using the pair of scissors i found on sunday, the ones i used to get my blades out of my sharpener, and my blades to just do my hair myself. knowing that its there is killing me. i want to cut my chest apart. i cant do anything to get it to look flatter. i never thought that i would want to but i really want to have top surgery, atleast now i do anyways. but the process is so long and its so expensive too. so is going on t. the only way either of those things would happen is if i go through private healthcare services, and that would be in a years time at least. i have the whole of two masculine outfits and ive been struggling to even wear pajamas because they all just seem so feminine. i hate every inch of my body and cant see anything masculine about it. i want to be toned, i want to have atleast slightly defined abs and muscles but its so out of reach for me because im fucking lazy, i want a v line, i want my collarbones and my jawline to be more prominent. i want my thighs to be thinner and more muscle rather than fat. i just want to look more like myself. i feel like im living someone elses life. people always say theyre ‘in the wrong body’ when they come out as trans but i well and truly am. i dont want this. i cant have this. its like a sick game and i want out. i dont know what other words to say. i cant find them. everything about me doesnt just feel wrong anymore, it is wrong. and it isnt taken seriously either.

im getting the worst urges in the world. i want to cut myself, burn myself, run away and make sure i dont get found. pack a bag, take everything i need with me, maybe take nothing at all. i know i wouldnt take my phone. id draw all the money i had out in cash, make myself harder to trace. or maybe i wouldnt take money. maybe id just disappear, completely. all i know is that im so tired, rhys, so fucking tired. you know the worst itll get is me harming myself, i wouldnt do anything worse than that, but i really want to. i cant cope with how real everything is. but it doesnt feel real enough at the same time. my thoughts are so conflicting and so confusing too, and all i want is quiet. youd be able to make things quiet. i know you would. i just want to sleep, lay with you. then ill stop thinking and itll be quiet.

my relationship with food is getting really messy again. part of me wants to eat and eat and keep eating until i start throwing up because i ate too much, part of me never wants to touch food again. i want to wither away. decay. i want everyone around me other than you to feel helpless, like this is their fault, because it is. the only person to help has been you, i wouldnt want you to feel guilty or helpless or responsible because you are the only good left in my pointless existence. i dont want to get out of bed or move ever again. i wont. things are really really bad this time. i think ive spent the best part of or atleast half an hour typing this out and i still feel there is so much more left to say or to explain but i dont know how to.

1 note · View note

kurp-stuff · 4 months ago

Text

Just posting some thoughts about the dead/po/ol and wol/ve/rine movie (i was gonna tag a post but it became too long and unrelated to the actual post which was about byebyebye nsync). It's not gonna be organized, maybe i'll organize them later whatever.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i thought the movie was barely a movie rather a succession of cameos references and fight scenes. It felt really empty or shallow to me. (really makes you understand why in english film and movie are different terms tbh). And seeing people say it's a very good movie has me losing my mind fr

Not that i had a BAD time either. I got all the references since im a big stinky nerd. And i have a fascination for bad 00s superhero movies. They're delicious garbage to me. So I was amused by he cameos.

But GOD please im begin people to actually watch movies other than marvel ones

I say that as someone who started their cinematography classes almost only with those as a reference. And i was a bit snobbed by my cinemato professor so my point is not to be a snob. like yes sometimes it's fun I understand.

tho i wouldnt rewatch almost any mcu movie for pleasure. I still very much enjoy the guardians of the galaxy trilogy for example. But that's because they're literally better than the other mcu movie sorry i dont make the rules hihi. And x-men first class is one of my fav movie let's be real.

So yea sometimes it's fun but when it's monopolizing the industry and honestly harming it ....There should be less of those amusement park movies. Yessss ok im aligning with scorcese sorryyyy. Sorry im an old fart 😔.

And i know cinema started as a curiosity showcased in fairs and huh circus/carnivals etc. But that's also because it was new.

Anyway again not saying this as a snob like im better than you or whatever. I regurlarly watch disney channel original movies like they're the best things ive ever seen. So im not here for denying you your fun. Im here to tell you YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Now back on the movie itself : the music was nice. But can you go wrong with classic madonna and corny 00s boys band songs and grease ?

tbf i think the 1st deadpool movie is more crappy than funny and i liked the 2nd one. It had some funnies in it (and again big stinky nerd so i knew the new characters (mostly) and was happy to see them) But GOD is that humour 12 yo boy on 9gag in 2011. most of it at least. And fart jokes make me joke most of the time so you can imagine if im tired by the movie's humour. Like I love the Austin powers movie and im still saying that. (idk im trying to find examples of movies with crass humour tho it's not exactly the same kind of humour. And not all jokes make me laugh in Austin powers to be clear)

Weird villain choice for a movie which is at best anecdotic (do you say that in english ?). I used to read x-men comics with her in it cause my dad had them. But didnt understand shit cause i was literally 8. But she seemeed way to important and scary to be a deadpool movie variant villain ???? Feels like wasted potential.

Idk if it's skill issue from me but trying to sum up the movie to a friend was a hard task. And idk if it's because the movie is actually well very empty so when talking about it i immediatly talked about the cameos and references rather than the plot. Tho the overall plot is not that complicated, it's just not solid enough and nothing in the narration and filming helps (sorry lacking some cinematography terms in english)

The middle part is so long and mostly boring (except for the cameos) that i forgot what they were doing there at some point. Also very much my opinion, and i think the same for the 3 deadpool movies, but the humour really prevents me for caring about anything happening. Also love Wade saying he wants to save his timeline because his whole world is like 5 people that live in it. But we only see those people like 5 minutes, 10 minutes tops.

Also idk but i feel like this movie would be an ordeal to watch for someone who isnt temrinally ill with mcu disease and hasnt watched every single piece of mcu shit there is before watching this movie. (i mean I did ...watch almost everything...sooo uugh). Like this was another problem I had telling the story to my friend. She has watched A LOT of mcu and has been a big fan of it until like maybe 2 years ago when doctor strange mom came out (which was terrible you guys are insane for thinking this movie is good. twas a bit funny tho. but not comically bad enough for me to call it delicious garbage. I was a bit desappointed but i had expectations for billy and tommy lmao. I'll rewatch it one day). And she hasnt watched any mcu shows. NOW TO EXPLAIN THE TVA. Okay I simplified by saying they're a time patrol that "controls" and watch over all the timelines or something like that. But geeze. And if you havent watched all or some the old fow superhero movies, the cameos are meaningless to you (not my case I wish the human torch had stayed longer. I was obsessed with the fantastic 4 movie as a kid. delicious delicious garbage. My second obsession was the daredevil 2003 movie. I would have died if they'd manage to get Ben Affleck for this shit).

Like a youtuber I follow said, it's probably gonna become less enjoyable with each rewatch, like no way home (which i thought was very mediocre even when i 1st saw it with friends and was the only old killjoy saying it wasnt the masterpiece they said it was). Let's be real apart from the other spider-man participation, the movie is boring. And stupid. Mcu Steven Strange is a stupid old fuck and deserved to be demoted :) . And even the cameo moments have little pauses after made specially for cinema cheering. UUUGUHHGHGH. Like apart from that the movie is not solid enough for it to stay the same fun everytime we watch it. And the cinematography is like absent i believe. SOOOO YEAAA.

Oh yeah the joke about Hugh Jackman being forced to play wolverine until he's 90 and then the same week anouncing robert downey jr returning to the mcu as dr doom 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

Anyway

Superheroe movies can be good and CINEMA, not just entertainment (i do believe cinema should also be entertaining actually BUT you get me). That's why Im annoyed at those movies. Like Of course I do believe a vast majority of comic books adaptations should be animated movies or shows. Like literally the best superhero movies are the incredibles and into the spiderverse. Undebatable. Then there's like The batman 2022 which is the only live action superhero movie i thought was good good. Oh yea and 2 or 3 x-men movies are nice I love them Im an x-men stan when xmen is good. (huh yes im a nolan batman trilogy hater, i fucking hate them, find them boring as hell and dull and fail to see how they are cinematographically interesting. Also responsable for bad opinions about batman since 2005. Doesnt feel anything like batman, like honeslty could just change the characters' name that's how much they dont feel like themselves. Feels like Nolan doesnt like batman, is ashamed of doing a batman/superhero movie. Realism my ass. Artistic direction I HAAAATE. I'll try watching it again sometime cause im desperatly trying to understand what people like in these movies)

Anyway that's it for now after this digression. If anyone read all that and wanna talk about it Im open.

#personal #movie thoughts #Hope this doesnt appear in the movie's tag

0 notes

funshinebf · 1 year ago

Text

having divorced parents and one parent that abused you while the other was actually really awesome is so wild cause its like. yes i had a bad childhood yes i had a good childhood. my dad always seems to feel so guilty for me and my brother being so messed up but its so hard to explain how bad it was at my moms. and even still i have the problem of having a complicated relationship with my mom so any discussion of things shes done to me make me feel bad like its unfair to her. like i love my mom and i always will but she has improved so much over the years, and not living with her has improved my life. i could never cut her off and i dont really want to anyway, but sometimes im jealous of people who can go no contact and not look back. i think its also more complicated cause i have two sisters that are much younger than me so its like i can see all the places my moms improved from my childhood in how she raises them. i think parents are destined to fail their children in some areas. i think even the most well meaning parents will still make mistakes and be human. but being human itself makes harming people and being harmed inevitable. its just the reality, everyone you know will let you down in some way or another. but i think the world looks brighter once you start to accept this. it sounds like im being cynical and negative, but i think it makes me quicker to forgive people and continue moving forward. if i can understand their motivations for what harmed me i can forgive them. but when i dont understand why they would do that to someone i start to feel truly wronged by it. if i cant find a good enough reason to justify harming someone then i cant forgive it and i cant get rid of the scars it leaves. i cant forget it. i could never do that to someone. how could anybody do that to someone. my intrusive thoughts alone send me into a guilt ridden trance as soon as they form, i could never understand being able to hurt someone so purposefully. for what? amusement? what could someone possibly gain from that? what could they gain that would erase any of the guilt? i think my least favorite type of person is the person that recognized that ive been hurt before, and targets me because of it. i hate when i share my weaknesses with someone and they use it to manipulate me and harm me even more. its happened more times than id like to admit. usually im not too burdened by my scars. the weights on my shoulders have settled into a dull ache. but then, like tripping over a pebble and splitting my brain on the curb, all it takes is one person with ill intentions to send me into another state of constant aching. i want to be stronger. i want to be less trusting. but how could feeling less love be beneficial? when such simple, unassuming kindnesses from others send me into a joyful daze? i love the world, i love people, i love the glimpses of warmth in a vast, cold sea. if i dont let myself feel things then i cant enjoy things either. so i let myself stay soft, and trusting, and far too genuine far too early. i wouldnt trade the love for anything else. if i can continue to feel love then i can handle any pain. anyways im high as all fuck and in therapist mode really badly so im gonna stop spilling my guts on a public website full of people i want to like me and not think im weird. like yeah okay idgaf about EVERY tumblr users opinion but like i have friends on here and potential friends and irl friends that see my posts. i want them to like me because i love having these connections, no matter how brief. im doing it again im just gonna hit post and hope for the best

#my post #long #ask to tag #uhhhh #almost tagged this as just 'disorders' and nothing else

1 note · View note

astrayinasuit · 6 months ago

Text

People love to act stupid on purpose, you were speaking facts.

Let me just get this out of the way

'Nothing actually has association to these objects, nothing has meaning, something cant be good or bad' Corny ass arguement, it holds no arguement since this defends everything but also lacks knowledge of concepts and the harms in the world today. Attractions can be bad like ones that involve kids thats why therapy is there and besides that this is just another way of just not giving a fuck about anything.

You make your own morality but these people clearly havent made one because nothing is bad or good to them it sounds very nihilistic to a point theyd let people murder eachother if so

Its things that should be discouraged

Also kinks cannot be queer idk why dumbass people keep saying that😭 Its like saying attraction can be queer. (I dont mean like two gays dating i mean straight people, man and woman dating and saying their attraction is lesbian). Kinks but specifically ones that INVOLVE graphic things and concepts behind them can be critiqued and seen as bad. Think.

In a society like this pedophillia, rape, incest etc. are glamorized, sexualized and romanticized. It wouldve quite literally been seen as normal just as misogyny and racism would be seen as normal. Those things are categorized as normal and are PUSHED.

Heavy on the pedophillia

(beauty standard, media, young & innocent, etc.)

Alot of paraphillias, pedophiles etc. i think are WAY more rare than people think. Its a build up of stimuli, 'entertainment', changing perspectives, porn and harmful concepts (that get turned into porn categories). That usually make people think oh im this im that but its quite rare. Its just what you were forced into within this society.

Its only common because thats what our society has done. People do not know how to dissociate trauma, things that are graphic topics to sex. I had to dissociate my own trauma from my sexual life honestly and it has been way better ever since.

They don't really care for the victims since it is only an attraction to them but therapy should be encouraged for victims who went through things and gained this. It is just turning the trauma into a porn category and associating it with stimuli. It doesn't make you better, you are what makes you better. Your body and you will get use to it and you'll have to learn how to undo it.

(This is for victims but ik a maj of people who have those attractions arent victims)

There are better kinks, you didn't automatically go into that. Like roleplay a prostitute and a police officer, complete sadism/masochism full on etc. There's so much and yet you choose the things that harm people.

Youre taking concepts that the victims couldnt even grasp and are taking it away to say hey lets make it into a porn category and distance it from how graphic it is.

These people have never came into contact with a child rape victim istg

This is coming from someone with cptsd and who has been raped by my family members and so much more since i was a baby (aunts since a baby, cousins, school members, teachers. alot okay). And have nieces, nephews and friends who are victims of rape. Even my aunt rapist was raped. I try to be the most understanding. I just hope these people get better or just open their mind more

Fiction / fantasy is broad -

Propaganda, stereotypes, csem and so much more falls under that yet we can see how it obviously effects humanity.

The mind - fiction - Stimuli - Physical world all have connections

Its a branch of harm

It might not be direct or seem so but it still is a concept and has its connections, its a branch of that harm and this product society has made. If society wasnt like this i bet half of these people wouldnt be acting up like this or if they had minds.

It normalizes it but also look into what fits with the mindset aswell

No association exists within these peoples heads. The sexualization of childrens clothes, language, ages and etc. Are fine. Porn is fine because it could be 'bdsm'. (I LIKE bdsm but not this. This is something else in my opinion.). Fiction is okay (Hentai. Fantasy and fiction go hand in hand by the way you have to defend both to defend one). Belle delphine

Like with cultures you get foods, clothing, language, music etc. That are associated with it obviously and this applies to different groups in the world. Including...Children.

I am not talking of age regression

I age regress myself i am talking of the sexualization of children (Yes, children. Everything is associated with children. Their ages, their clothing, their language, mannerisms, etc. You cant pull the 'well no children is ACTUALLY here so it doesnt matter!' And ignore that everything is associated with children. Its like a white person asian baiting tape and all then saying well! I am white so it doesn't count. Even though they say their culture is asian. (Prerending to be the childs age).)

The sexualization of minors clothes has been normalized for years and this will make it continue. Highschool girls cannot feel comfortable wearing their uniforms because it will be sexualized, children cannot wear two ponytails without feeling a bit anxious, children cannot even wear their clothes without having it sexualized.

This gives a whole other

Well... look what she was wearing despite it obviously being associated with children it gives a defendence, and so much more. But what makes this whole thing sad is that it involves people who cannot defend themselves

Also note how all of these people always turn younger and not older? How many old men do you think would use those terms if they were more popular? In a society like this.

You are quite literally the PRODUCT OF WHAT SOCIETY HAS MADE😭 and they think they are minorities when it is what the elders say too. How many old people do you think would be using that if those terms were more popular. Please undo all of that. But anyways you will have to literally deny a very big thing which is stupid but yh i already wrote about this but had to rant

- added

They use the same tactics and arguements my abusers and others abusers have used. Thats what really irks me, i was groomed into this. Seeing the same words my abusers uttered to convince me by these same people is so crazy its enough to dissociate. The way its like 'i use to think like you', 'normal people dont mind pedophillia, incest and rape etc!' and so much. It kind of breaks a part of me. Down playing it because it is a majority.

In a society like this of course no one cares of harm or minorities or the safety of victims but it hurts that in the same breath they act as if they are victims and are not the majority as if a majority of far right winged, bigoted old people, and so many more. Are with the exact same mindset. To see people say they dont give a fuck about victims of incest, pedophillia, rape etc. And nobody cares. Is so numbing, this is literally another way to dehumanize myself i try to stay away from things like that because they are just as stuck in that mindset like far right wings there is no point.

Imagine using the harm done and saying nobody gives a fuck about you.

Its such a level of what the fuck and saying that to the people, to many victims.

Its the same as 'nobody gives a fuck about racism, xenophobia etc irl! Normal people dont care about that'

To act as if people are insane for caring and thinking of concepts to reduce the harm that YOU and SOCIETY push and then act as if they are crazy. And you are the victim is insane.

It actually breaks my heart

thats why i am going to start writing information of others topics more often

Also know that people who are sane (dont hold any hatred for minorities and actually care for concerning topics) there are people like this. In this society where people implement this mindset yes it isnt common but there are still many people who agree. You arent alone <33

My mother who is in her mid 40s to my sister who is in her teens sees this as harm, there are many people in different générations who do care, acknowledge and see this as harm.

There are many normal people and they do see these topics as harm.

Lovely day to anyone reading this

"""incest pedophilia and rape kinks are subversive and inherently part of the queer/trans experience!!!"""

All of these radqweer "kinks" are extremely mainstream and are in fact practiced widely by the world's dominant oppressors. Cishet white men do this shit all the time. These evils are inherent to the system. They uphold the system. They are the bedrock that the whole corrupt system is built on. The system relies on these evils to function.

They are disgustingly banal.

It is not subversive nor radical to have these kinks. Your fucked up brain is the exact result of our society doing what it does best, perpetuating violence.

Will you fight against it? Or will you perish like a dog?

#dni people who like that shit #rant

110 notes · View notes

cynettic · 3 years ago

Note

hi, i hope i'm not bothering you, but i can order a Scaramouche × Kitsune reader, the two met before the vision hunt (and before he was a fatui if you want) the reader was always in the same place, sometimes having a conversation , the good old routine, but with the hunting of visions the reader disappeared not wanting to give up his own vision, and years later a reunion, SFW or NSFW is by your will, thank you, I really admire your work

Summary - Scaramouche met you as a child, growing up with the constant assurance that you would be right there, sitting at your spot where he could meet you with every visit. He isn't happy when you suddenly disappear.

Pairing - Kitsune!Reader x Yan!Scaramouche

Warning - Slight Yandere warnings?

Penpal - Ahhh- hope this is what you were looking for. I couldn't find a spot to put much nsfw unless I considered writing more for the series ( I could, just put a request in if thats what you’re looking for ). But I hope you liked it!! You're not bothering me at all and I'm glad you like my work!

A/N - Alright- so considering that with the 2.1 update with Scaramouche coming in, I just wanna state beforehand that I wrote this prior so I dont know if we learn about his backstory or anything!!

Link for Part 2

Stay With Me

Scaramouche was used to the routine he’d found himself going along with every visit to Inazuma. As a child he’d pass through the wild fields that stretched just beside his hometown, adventurous and curious with all the tenacity of a child.

And of course you, a kitsune that sat perched on the ground awaiting the Kitsune Saiguu, was bound to notice him. Unlike the other earth kitsune statues, you hadnt turned to stone during your wait. Instead, staying in the same place did you interact with travellers and the locals, which included Scaramouche.

“Fox person!” The little boy chanted, pulling at the hems of your clothing. Bright blue eyes bore into your own, and you slowly shifted your head to pay attention to the boy who was on the verge of bouncing on you.

Humming in reply to his excitement, the little boy paused, both of his small hands still tightly clasping the fabric of your clothes. Soft matted hair brushed past his face in a messy manner, calling out the boy for his boundless running and rebellious urge to keep his hair messy despite his parents wishes.

“Play with me!”

Staring at the boy only a moment longer, you simply chuckled at his antics. “I’m afraid I cannot move from the spot in which I dwell~ Perhaps I’ll be able to entertain you if you bring cards?”

But the young boy had made up his mind at the statement to which you couldn't move. A pitiful frown enfluged his face as he cast you the nastiest glare a five year old could muster. “Boring!” He shouted into the distance of the fields, dramatically turning on his heels and bouncing up into a sprint away. You watched his small figure fade away into the background, absentmindedly sighing and returning to your mindless thoughts.

As a child, Scaramouche would pass by you fairly often. Frequent when he asked you to play with him, and storming away with the same expression when you denied him. Nothing out of the ordinary, you’d lived for an exceptional amount of time, and even though grumpy children were not your specialty, you’d grown accustomed to their behaviour.

Growing up, Scaramouche got no better. You soon noticed his violent tendencies before they became an issue, the way the children shied away from him when playing Temari. Hiding in front of a tough exterior, he scared them away and laughed, approaching you later with tearful sob.

“Will you play with me?” He asked again, trying to hide the fact that he still wept when the other children pushed him away.

But your answer stayed the same, helping him wipe his tears and coaxing him into your arms. Not the first time you’d made contact with a human, but the first time you held them in such an affectionate manner.

It was clear Scaramouche was beginning to see you as some sort of pillar of reassurance when he began running away from home to simply ask to be held. You always welcomed him with open arms, urging him to head back to his household and sort things out. There was no harm in simply providing love and comfort for a child who received none was there?

“Now now, hurry back home little one. Your parents must be growing awfully worried if you’re out by this time at night.”

“My parents dont care about me!”

Darkness slowly pooled into the fields, an obscure shade covering the two of you from the tree you were under. Biting back form your normal emotionless statements, you pondered for something to soothe and convince the boy. Misunderstandings and hardships were normal from what youd seen with children, and you could only offer your hand on his shoulder, a promise. “Go back, I promise to stay here if anything further happens. But you shold give them another chance dont you think?”

And so he’d sprint back to his hometown, and you wouldnt hear from him again till he ran up right up to you a few days later. Begging you to play a game with him. The normal you supposed, and with a grin that seemed to stretch wider with every day, you told him the same thing you told him every single time.

“You cant move?!” Scaramouche nearly yelled one time, tiny fists curling at his side. “Thats… thats stupid!”

“It is isnt it?” You only smiled in response.

Unsatisfied with your response, he clawed your arm, pulling you with all his might. Strong, you realized with surprise that he was much stronger than most children his age. Easy enough to tug away from, but strong enough to take you off guard.

Snapping your hand back to your side, you narrowed your eyes. You weren't angry… no, you hadnt felt strong feelings like that after the disappearance of the Kitsune Saiguu. “Do not attempt to move me,” was your curt response, said in the most stern voice you’d used with the boy.

He’d looked at you only a few seconds longer before bursting into tears, turning away and running. You didn't feel regretful for defending yourself, only turning once more with a tired sigh to stare at the distance.

But just as you stayed ageless, Scaramouche grew older. Still, crossing each others pass was inevitable when you sat in the plains, just alongside the path that lead to his hometown.

With a permanent scowl that seemed to stain his face, he still seemed to have mature a tad bit. Maybe hadnt improved in the social department, because he now scared children and adults and alike, but more mature…

“Hm? Whats this?”

Once again, sitting criss cross under the large tree that provided the perfect shade on sunny days, you stared at the boy expectantly. His hands hesitated at your question, but he resumed shuffling. “Cards,” he simply said in response.

A small featherlike feeling flitted across your chest, making you feel lighter and… almost ticklish. A small smile crossed your face, and you recognized the emotion to be one of adoration. For him to have remembered words you’d spoken years ago, it gave you a warmth you’d sorely missed. A warmth akin to watching him and the other children grow up.

“Ew, dont smile like that, its creepy.”

Swatting at his head, he frowned further when you laughed. “You’re more mature,” you pointed out, lazily leaning back. “You need to work on your people skills though, as someone who hasnt moved in years, thats pitiful that I know more than you.”

“Shut it!”

But as he grew up, you hardly got to see much of him. He’d reached your height and then fully disappeared, leaving no goodbye. And much as you hated to admit it, you hardly noticed, not when days passed in a flurry. You were used to being by yourself, entertaining the kids and greeting the people that passed by.

Sometimes, there’d be the reminder of the warmth he’d given you. But it was quickly overshadowed by your duty to remain seated in wait for the Kitsune Saiguu. A dedication kept in its earnest, but beginning to dwindle.

Inazuma was beginning to change.

“The vision decree…” you repeated, staring at the traveller who’d mentioned it to you. “Care to elaborate?”

The new archon threatenening to take away visions from every inhabitant of Inazuma. It was preposterous, so much that you didnt move. Your vision meant the world to you, but so did the Kitsune Saiguu. You werent sure just how you weighed the two till you saw civilians passing by you, ones you recognized, ones that didnt recognize themselves.

It was snowing, cold snowflakes melting into your skin while your hair soaked in the water. Unflinching, you hummed to a little tune, awaiting someone to pass you so that you could attempt to strike a conversation of somesort. The unnatural weather distanced all who entered the field though, and you simply waited. For the Kitsune Saiguu, for someone, or for some form of entertainment, you didnt know. You Slowly closing your eyes, you decided not to care.

“Im gone for five years and you’re still sitting here like a dumbass.”

Eyes snapping open, you find yourself face to face with a complete stranger. Dark purple hair with dark blue eyes, piercing and dangerous in a way you dont recognize at all. Fancy clothing that you cant identify or put a name on.

The boy took a step towards you, crouching down to stare at you directly. His eyes scanned over your figure briefly, and he brushed the snow out of your hair and ears with one flick of his hand. In the next, he was offering a coat to you. “Take it, you’re probably getting cold.”

You leaned forward, ignoring the coat he offered you. Gently, you raised your hand to brush the hair from his eyes, centred on the way his pupils widened. Offering a small moment of surprise and one glimpse into the small childlike blue eyed wonder he was. “Kiddo,” you breathed, pulling your hand back and scanning him once again. “You’ve grown.”

“And you havent.”

Snickering at his comment, you took the coat. You didnt need it, but he looked like he didnt either. He was already wearing clothing that kept him warm, and with careful observation and an untouched coat, you settled on the fact that he’d brought it here. Brought the coat here for you.

“Still havent improved with those social skills of yours have you?”

He scoffed, letting himself fall back till he was sitting fully. “I dont want to hear it from someone who refuses to move an inch for years. Lazy ass.”

You open your mouth to retort, but instead laugh at his comment, shaking your head. “Gained some humour on your journeys have you? Bad words too it seems. Anyways...” He had sat down, which meant that he meant fully well to sit, chat, and catch up. That familiar warmth filled your chest, a contrast between the cold snow. “Welcome back.”

It wasnt often that Scaramouche visited Inazuma, but when he did, he was sure to visit you. The two of you would sit down for hours, talking about the most trivial topics. He never mentioned what he did in his time away, and you never asked.

But things began to go downhill when news of the vision decree finally took action.

“Its no joke anymore! The Raiden Shogun has taken custody of almost a hundred visions!”

In that moment you made your decision, weighing your vision over the Kitsune Saiguu. Awfully selfish you knew, but you’d spent decades sitting there in wait.

And for the first time you sat up from your position on the ground, clumsily stumbling upright but gaining balance. It takes a few steps until you’re back to normal, and you begin your journey in order to escape the Raiden Shogun’s vision hunt decree.

_-_-_-_

You didnt expect to see him again.

Long grass tickled at the skin of your legs, making you adjust your footing to no avail. Sun slowly descending past the mountains to mark the start of an evening and the soon approaching night. A normal day of exploring the mountains and islands of Inazuma, observing the constant changing situation, and running away from the vision decree like a favourite past-time.

With the exception of a firm grip on your wrist.

Dark purple like hair, same hate brimmed eyes and lavish clothing. You recognized Scaramouche the moment he had appeared, looking just as surprised as you were. That being before he snatched your wrist and snarled, “You.”

You wouldve considered it pure luck to find him, an unexpected reunion with someone you actually remembered. But no, his tone had some predatorial edge to it that had you cringing. Hard. “Yes, its me.” You answered back with a frown, trying to loosen his hold. “Nice to see you too, is something the matter?”

He only seemed confused at your words, pulling you closer.

“Something the matter?” He asked as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Well, to start, you’re not sitting at your damn spot.”

Taken aback for a moment, you wondered if that sole fact was what drove the boy to such lengths. Surely he couldn't be so troubled over the fact that you moved… “The vision hunt decree, I'm sure I mentioned that I was sticking around in wait for the Kitsune Saiguu. I decided to wander around and avoid the conflict until I could settle back.”

“You could’ve waited for me,” he stated almost instantly. “I could have protected you.”

You felt your brows furrow quizzically. “Wait for you? Why in the world would I-”

“Why wouldn't I?” He pushed you closer till he could fully grab both wrists, taking a step closer as if his words would resonate clearer in your head. “You took care of me as a child, it would only be fair for me to repay the favour.” But he only seemed to be looking for excuses. “And besides, you can't just up and leave… I didn't know.”

Before you could interject with the obvious answer that he didn't need to know, you stopped. You’d lived decades, nearly centuries if you’d kept count, and you had learned to read people's expressions even when you’d stayed away from them for so long. He didn't know. It hit you in the most unpleasant way that he wasn't aware that it was none of his concern. To him, you were just another thing he needed to keep track of, something he had control over. His face basically screamed, ‘I depended on you to stay in that place.’

Deep breath in and out. You’d lived long, longer than him, you could deal with a child throwing a tantrum.

“Don't worry,” you gestured to the vision ta your side. “I'm strong enough to protect myself, I appreciate your concern, but I’ll be back when the vision decree ends.”

Unconvinced, he pulled you closer, just until your faces were mere inches away from each other. “No,” he said in a stern voice. “I’d rather you by my side, where I can protect you. I hate to question what you’re capable of, but you’ve been sitting down for as long as I’ve known you for.”

“I’ve lived decades more than you,” a simple reply, hopefully enough to get by him. You snatched your hands back with ease, ears flinching slightly when a cold breeze swept past you. But you stayed firm, not wanting to look vulnerable against the imposing air he had around him.

Still unconvinced. “You’re coming with me.”

“No I’m not.”

You’d known him as a kid, watched him grow up along with all the other small ones in his hometown. And maybe you admit you cared a smudge bit about the warmth he gave you when settling down to play cards, but he was different. He had changed in the worst way and you weren't about to deal with it.

“So you’re not coming with me voluntarily?” He asked softly, taking a small step to which you responded by stepping back. He had his hands up, as if telling you he wouldn't hurt you. But the way he said voluntarily sent shivers up your spine.

“No.” Hand on your vision, you held your own hand up threateningly.

He took his time when tilting his head, taking a deep breath in, and then appearing in front of you in just a short stride. Too quick to react, you hesitated before you could attack him. You didn't want to hurt him, he was still a child in your eyes, and you paid the consequences for that. He slid his hand just along your neck, and a jolt of electricity seemed to thrum inside you just as you collapsed in his arms.

Scaramouche was quick to catch you, hoisting you up into his arms dearly. “I do hope you’ll come to understand,” he said softly, cradling your unconscious form in his arms. Making sure not to crush your tail when carrying your legs, he looked past the mountains, sigh resting on his lips.

Because Scaramouche liked to have control of the things he held dear. Like keeping all your valuables neat and tidy in a closet, he was happy knowing you were safe and stable in that spot you always sat on.

And he couldn't have you moving could he?

#genshin impact #genshin headcanons #genshin oneshot #genshin fanfic #genshin scaramouche #genshin scaramouche x reader #scaramouche x reader #genshin impact x reader #cynshealthysfw #genshin fluff

1K notes · View notes

vikshexcore · 3 years ago

Text

A second chance (Silco x Reader)

Note: Hello, I have decided to come back on here and write some more because I miss it so much, and since my new obsession is Arcane why not write something for this little rascal. I’m still kinda rusty due to years of no writing, so please go easy on me!! If you ever have any requests please feel free to drop them! Of course, I take criticism so please let me know what you think!!

Summary: You seek help from no other than Silco himself, the leader of the undercity after making yourself everyone’s number 1 enemy.

WARNINGS: violence, swearing, blood, death, fights, mentions of brothel, gang activities

Category: i wouldnt call it fluff nor angst, it really isnt- anything, its just a small idea i had today, i might continue this if some people like it, but yeah- i just like when silco gives orders and when he is just oozing bde-

Your parents would have sworn you had no superpowers when you were born, but maybe there actually was one. The power of being a dumbass. You were booksmart, alright, but when it came to saving your own ass from the criminals in the undercity, you were a bit more slow-witted. Or rather, just plain dumb.

Everyone knew that whenever Finn and his gang showed up, it was better to stay out of their way. But not you. You had made a name for yourself by being the only one that had ever stood up to Finn. Well, stood up was a big word. You would just throw a drink at his head and run away while laughing, never allowing them to catch you. It was a sick game of tag, the only thing on the line was your life. Finn had swore that if he ever caught you, he would make you a pay. He was already failing the first step, so you never bothered with his threat.

The Last Drop wasn’t your favorite place, especially not with the fact that Finn had become a regular there, but it was the most entertaining place on boring nights. Even if you were risking the skin off your back, you would rather stay there then wonder some weird, dark, alleys. And you could handle it, to a certain degree. Whenever the brawl between you and his boys would start, you would throw anything at your hand at them and run away. That was the good part. then your awful luck would kick in, and you would find yourself lost, or you would fall down a sewer. Once you even found yourself at the end of a canal, just outside the entrance of a hideout. Thankfully, you knew not to bother whoever was in there.

Usually, that is how your nights would go. It was quite a show for everyone else, but Finn’s men were starting to get annoyed. In the beginning, they would have let you go with just a few punches and an apology to Finn for cutting his precious cheekbones, but now they were taking it more personally. Fueled by rage, they were ready to do anything to get to you. And that meant harming others close to you.

And they did. It wasn’t hard to find where to hit. One night, while you had run away, they came back from their chase and found your friends, some people you would get a few drinks with at the end of the day, and they left all of them in a devastating mess. But what hurt the most was they found your cousin. Your last family member that was still around, she was the one helping you two get by. She had started working at the brothel not long after you two were left alone, and everything was going great for you two. Until Finn got his hands on her.

You had two choices, Either you handed yourself in, and got your cousin back safe, or you fled, leaving her behind. Which was out of the option. So you choose to fight back. And you were going to bring in the big guns.

That’s why you were now standing in front of the person behind everyone’s nightmares. Silco. The undercity lord himself.

Next to him was standing Sevika, both of them with a look of boredom on their faces. This wasn’t the first time someone was asking for their help, and they were already planning their rejection speech. And you knew that. But you still had to try.

“Please, I would never do this if it wasn’t serious. I promise I will do anything, I just need your help with this.” You hated hearing yourself beg, but this really was your final option if you wanted both your cousin and you to be safe.

Sevika shook her head, a chuckle escaping her lips. “Go home kid, there is nothing we can help you with.”

You knew you had no power or anything else to sell them, so you had to take drastic measures. “If my cousin dies, I’m destroying both the brothel and the bar.” Dumb. Very dumb.

The woman in front of you started laughing, your threat having no effect on her. You knew there was no point in saying it, but you didn’t know what else to do.

While Sevika was still laughing in your face, the man you had not looked into the eyes until now had a shadow of a smile on his face. You couldn’t understand what he was thinking about, but you knew he was about to completely change the course of actions.

And you were right. Everything was still a haze in your head. All you remember was Silco agreeing to help you, Sevika raising her voice, questioning her leader’s choice, and you promising to help them in the future. With what exactly, you weren’t sure. But it surely wasn’t going to be anything good. But that could wait. All you had to focus on was playing the game.

The plan was simple. You pick a fight with Finn, you run upstairs inside Silco’s office, you talk it out, and if everything goes to shit, Sevika takes care of them. Easy, right? Here is the catch, nothing is easy with you. And the plan was already going bad from step one.

Well, partially. You were good at running away, but picking fights wasn’t your best. You would do it only when they would piss you off or say anything your way. But having to sneak around and attack them wasn’t your strong point. But to hell with that, you couldn’t let Silco down.

So you came out from the shadows, baseball bat in hand, and hit the sides of who you recognized as Finn’s right hand. You smiled cutely at him before you threw the bat away, sprinting for the stairs. If only it was that easy.

Before you could reach the top of the stairs, you felt a sharp pain in your thigh, making you fall down in front of the office. The are around the pain turned warm, and your realized blood was pooling under you. One of the men chasing you had stabbed you on the outside of your thigh. You tried to get up, adrenaline making the pain feel like nothing. Before you could reach it, the man behind you grabbed your hair, hitting your face against the door. You could feel your cheekbone shattering under the pressure.

But the sound was enough to alert the two people inside the office. With a quick two step, Sevika was already at the door. She opened it, only to have you and he man fall to her feet. She grabbed him by the collar, lifting him off of you, but rage had already taken over your mind. Unable to stop yourself, you took the knife out of your thigh and made it meet the man’s neck. Blood splattered all over your face, making you wake up and realize what you had done.

It was now Silco’s turn to laugh, sitting back on his leather chair, he lit a cigar as he threw his head back, high laughter invading the room. In the meantime, the rest of the gang and Finn showed up, witnessing the bloodbath in front of them.

“You are fucking dead, whore.” Finn had tried to grab you, but Sevika was faster. Her robotic hand was already wrapping around Finn’s neck, his respiration being cut short. You backed away, falling to your feet again. Before you knew it, Silco was next to you, his hand sitting on top of your hair, petting you slightly.

“Finn, shall we talk about our future together?” Silco’s voice was intoxicating as you felt the adrenaline run off, and with one last look in his direction you blacked out.

You didn’t know how much timed had passed after the whole fiasco, but you woke up worse than before. The wound in your leg was still throbbing, and everything around you was still spinning. You didn’t even know where you were, until you heard someone behind you clear their throat. You made your head turn around, only to be met with Silco’s mismatched eyes. The couch in his office. That’s where you were.

Flashes of what had happened filled your head, and with a quick move you were on your feet, looking around for your cousin.

“Easy there, bunny.” You heard the man at the desk say. “Everything is fine, I took care of it.

You looked at him again, this time without any fear. He was sitting at his desk, hair slicked back, a cigar between his lips. He was wearing the same clothes as the confrontation from before, a black button down with an equal black vest on top of it. His head was tilted, a look of amusement on his face. He raised his hand, and gestured you to come closer using his index and middle finger. Pretty hot, but that wasn’t important now. You did as he said, standing to the side as he looked you up and down, taking in the state you were in.

He took a deep breath before getting up, standing in front of you. “Your cousin is fine. She is resting right now, you can visit her at the brothel later today. No worries, she was only slightly harmed.”

Tears formed around your eyes and you let out a sigh of relief. She was fine. She was alive. Everything worked out. “Thank you. I owe you everything.” You tried to keep your tears from falling out, nothing wanting to get all emotional in front of the scariest man you had ever met.

“Yes, you do.” Silco wasn’t going to let you off the hook so easily. “You are going to work for me now, until I throw you away. I will make you into my personal killing machine, and you will do as I say. Got it, bunny?”

There it was. The payment you owed him. This time, there was nowhere to run. You had accept it and wish you would not die any time soon. You raised your chin, hands balling into fists. This will be the start of your own personal nightmare.

“Yes, sir.”

#arcane #silco #silco x reader #writing #fic #sevika #finn

62 notes · View notes