#and i know i have the terrible habit of belittling what i have myself

[dummerjan]

.

i just never seem to be able to connect with people the way others do not as deeply as personal as freely as intellegently i don't say the right things i don't know the right things i don't think the right things and i get so caught up that deficiency

[bbangsuns]

don’t break my heart again | r.c

warnings: angst, slight nsfw themes, rafe is just a little ooc but not much, terrible writing, mentions of drug addiction and overdoses, ward cameron. i think that’s it?

a/n: part 2 to this fic. this won’t have a lot of smut, but if you guys want a 3rd part with just smut i’ll write one <3

a/n part 2: i’m not happy with this ending at all i might redo it soon 🧍🏽‍♀️also this isn’t beta’d so sorry if there are any mistakes

word count: 1.4k

after your talk at the chateau with the pogues, you made the decision to head to your brothers house for the first time in a few weeks, wanting to rest as much as possible before you talked to rafe.

you knew it would be difficult to sleep after everything that happened, but you never expected it to be damn near impossible. after tossing and turning in bed for what seemed like years with the big red ‘1:37 A.M.’ taunting you from your alarm, you decided to go for a walk on the beach to hopefully tire yourself out. climbing out of bed and putting on your shoes, you opened your window as carefully as possible, trying to not wake your older brother up and slipped out, extremely grateful for the fact that you lived in a one story house.

the walk to the beach was peaceful, the sounds of nature soothing your nerves almost instantly. arriving to the beach in 10 minutes, your eyes were immediately drawn to the figure sitting near the shore, your body tensing up once again. however as you moved closer, you were almost positive you knew exactly who it was, and your suspicions were confirmed as soon as you got close enough and spoke.

“rafe?” his head whipped around so fast you thought the poor boy would get whiplash. he went to stand but you stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, opting to sit down right next to him. you could feel his eyes on you and turned your head, and even in the low light you could see his bloodshot eyes and swollen lips, assuming he’s been picking and biting at them all day. you went to softly reprimand him for his bad habit, but he beat you to it.

“i’m so sorry, doll. you have no idea how much I regret saying those words to you. i was just so fucking frustrated after my fight with ward and i know you were just trying to help me feel better, and i know that’s no excuse but i wasn’t thinking.” he breathed out, his voice cracking at the last few words. staring at the broken boy in front of you, you couldn’t help but bring your hand up to his cheek, caressing it lightly. rafe’s eyes fluttered shut and his shoulders sagged slightly, leaning into your touch and you took this opportunity to speak.

“what you said really hurt me, rafe. it made me feel so small and belittled. now, i know you weren’t in the right state of mind because of ward and i tried not taking it so personally, but god hearing that from the person you love more than anything is something that shakes your core no matter how badly you wish it didn’t.” you said it with a voice so full of hurt that rafe felt a shiver go down his spine, hating that he was the cause of all the pain you��ve been feeling over the last few months. he went to open his mouth to speak again but you shook your head, signaling you weren’t finished so he closed his mouth, staring at you.

“i know you’ve been going through a lot with ward and the high expectations he has for you, but the way you’ve been coping has been hurting me and our relationship. every time you have a fight with ward and storm out of the house, i stay awake wondering when or if you’ll come home. and if you don’t come home, i imagine the worst scenario, asking myself if you got into an accident because you drove home high, or if you took it too far this time with the cocaine and you overdosed somewhere i wouldn’t be able to find you. it terrifies me beyond words, rafe, and i don’t know how much more i can take before it’s all too much.” by the end of your confession you were crying again, the tears spilling out of your eyes and your breathing becoming erratic. you removed your hand from rafe’s cheek, pressing your palms into your eyes harshly, attempting to keep the tears from falling anymore.

rafe didn’t know what to say, his heart breaking all over again at the sight of you crumbling in front of him. he felt his hands shaking, his own tears slipping out at the fact that he’d been neglecting you and making you sick with worry for so long. he truthfully hated himself for it, but he felt the desperation in him, the need to try and fix your relationship any way he could. wiping his face, he grabbed your hands and pulled them away from your eyes, using one hand to hold both of yours, his other one was now on your cheek, turning your face towards him. his thumb stroked the skin, wiping away the tears that continued falling.

“i’m sorry for never noticing how much you were hurting. i’m sorry for pushing you away when all you wanted to do was help me. i know i haven’t shown it for a while, but you’re truly the best thing that has ever happened to me and i’ll do anything to show you that. whatever you want, i’ll do it because i can’t stand to ever lose you.”

the way he spoke to you, the slight panic in his voice and watery eyes, you knew he was being genuine. but, there was a part of you that was still skeptical, scared that he wouldn’t be able to keep his word and he’d slip back into his addiction, and you don’t think you’d be able to handle that cycle again. rafe noticed your hesitation, his stomach sinking at the idea that you wouldn’t want to stay with him after what he’s put you through. as he went to say something else, you interrupted him.

“i want you to stop using drugs, rafe. if you can’t do it on your own, you can go to a rehab facility on the mainland and i’ll go with you, maybe find an apartment there or something. but i need you to do it, love. if not for me, do it for yourself. i wouldn’t be able to handle something happening to you all because of that shit you’re putting in your body.” you spoke with a certain determination, almost demanding that he stop chasing a high, and rafe wasn’t dumb. he knew that if he didn’t get his shit together, you wouldn’t stick around to watch him slowly kill himself, for fear it would kill you inside too. so, he agreed to quitting, not willing to risk seeing you walk away.

“i’ll do it. i’ll do whatever it takes to fix things between us, i just don’t wanna lose you.”

you looked at him, a small smile on your face knowing he would never truly lose you. you kept that thought to yourself as you leaned in, placing your lips on his to which he kissed back immediately, moving his hand to the back of your neck to keep you close. you broke the kiss only to seat yourself on his lap, and you connected your lips as soon as you sat down, wrapping your arms around his neck. biting your bottom lip, rafe took advantage of the small moan that left you and slid his tongue inside your mouth, taking control of the kiss. sliding your hands under his shirt, you tugged at it, wanting to remove it as fast as possible. he pulled away from your lips, quickly removing his shirt and attached his lips to your neck, nipping at the skin as he left a trail of wet kisses all the way to your collarbone. rafe moved you off his lap, laying you on the sand and hovering over you, one hand slipping under your shirt, his thumb and index finger grabbing your nipple and rolling it between them, causing a low whine to leave your lips.

“rafe, don’t mess with me. just make me feel good.” it came out as more of a whine, a small pout on your lips. after going so long with him not touching you, you just wanted to feel all of him, sand be damned; you’d deal with that annoying detail later. rafe just laughed at you softly, leaning back on his feet to look down at you.

“whatever you want, baby”

that night you didn’t leave the beach until almost dawn, not wanting to risk anyone seeing anything, but you both left feeling the happiest you’d ever been in a long time. pure ecstasy was flowing through your body knowing that you and rafe were going to be okay and that your relationship was going to be stronger than ever.

[vilevampire]

idk who those people are would u like to educate me...

GLADLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just to preface this I'll explain what the fuck is going on in mairuma in general first just to provide context bc idk how much you've absorbed by osmosis (also I rmr I told u abt mairuma once on discord but . I don't rmr a single thing that was said in that convo, only that it happened)

buckle up bc this ended up getting pretty fucking long

"mairimashita! iruma-kun" is an ongoing manga and anime series that revolves around iruma, a human boy who got sold by his parents to a powerful demon and started living his life in the netherworld.

this is he. baby boy. his new demon found family enrolls him in demon school, and so while hiding the fact that he is human, iruma starts attending babyls demon school. his new grandpa (who happens to be the chairman of said demon school) puts him in a class for problem children, saying "that way your classmates will catch more attention than you, and you won't be found out (as human)!!!!"

makes sense ? no, of course not, but this is a comedy-focused series, so that's just how it is

iruma and his classmates. they're called the misfits class. I love all of them (except for … one …) dearly and could ramble abt each individual character for hours but for now I am only focusing on jazz and allocer. starting with jazzy my boy jazzy

baby son boy he is just a little guy just a little man he's just a son. jazzy is a character who is seen as cool, clever, unapproachable and mature to most other characters but is actually a huge softie inside.

he's also a kleptomaniac but he doesn't usually steal shit on purpose, it's just habit. if you ask me he's done nothing wrong in his life ever

(irrelevant tangent: jazzy actually has a specific animal theme. can you guess which animal it is ??????? I'm just fucking with you it's impossible to guess, but he's supposed to be snake-themed. the only thing that even suggests that in his design is his forked tongue, but it's. not visible most of the time so it didn't even occur to me that he was supposed to be snake themed until. embarrassingly recently. anyway)

jazz has a terrible older brother (named rock. their names r jazz and rock. like the moosic) who steals from him and belittles him constantly, but he can't fight back because his family values skill above all else, so they consider it his own fault for being vulnerable to stealing. basically "git gud lol"

because of this, jazz longs to be a better older brother than his own, despite not actually having any younger siblings. he becomes attached to cute, defenseless-looking things easily and is weak to people who look up to him and ask him for help. he likes beeing relied on and being there for others. he starts seeing most of his classmates as his younger siblings too

basically he is just a little guy and bc so much abt jazzy reminds me of myself (including his black and red color scheme) I am incredibly attached to him and he's my #2 fave character in the whole series (the first one is … well, you can probably guess)

now about allocer … where do I begin. probably by saying we know little to nothing about him, and not because the author particularly intended him to be mysterious, but just because he doesn't get much attention in the series as a whole. despite being one of the main side characters, he gets sidelined incredibly often. he's forgettable, rarely relevant and overall one of the characters we have least information on

look at him and his goofy lion face. there's no reason for him to be so ignored, it's furryphobia plain and simple.

(side note: over the course of the series his character design becomes increasingly yassified and he lets his hair grow + dyes it so don't mind that he looks slightly different in almost every picture he's in)

regardless I'll do my best to tell what we know FOR SURE 100% CANON CONFIRMED about him and then I'll dwelve into theories and hc territory (all supported by canon info, but still pretty speculatory bc of how little info we have on him in general…)

first of all he is smart. second of all. he reads books. third of all. he scored #1 in all exams. fourth of all … he is smart. that's it. wish I was kidding, but that's what his character revolves around most of the time. he gets outshined by other characters all the fucking time and usually just shows up to spout a proverb or say something related to knowledge and wisdom.

aside from that, his characterization tends to be pretty inconsistent (because the author doesn't give a FUCK about him) but I'll report on his most consistent traits and ignore the . multiple . inconsistencies.

allocer is a reserved character who doesn't talk much about himself (this is intentional at least to some extent, evidenced by the picture above). he seems to be kind of awkward, the way he phrases things tends to be unnatural, too. compare these phrases:

(I'll get to what the fuck is going on in this scene in a second I just need to ramble about allocer first)

jazzy speaks in a much more natural, conversational way, saying "what are you saying…?", while allocer simply says "incomprehensible". when he's not speaking in proverbs and book quotes, he often drops weirdly-worded sentences like that.

there's a few different scenes that help us infer that he's not good at dealing with people and emotions. for example, his fanbook profile lists "women's feelings" as his weak subject. when he gets confessed to he also states it's "abstruse", aka confusing and hard to understand

basically what I'm saying is that he's arospec and autistic-coded and nobody can change my fucking mind ok if anybody wants to argue w/ me on this I hope you've spent at least half the time I have studying every major scene allocer is in like I have. I have lost my entire fucking mind trying to infer ANYTHING conclusive about his characterization out of the NEAR NONEXISTENT CRUMBS canon has given us.

with that out of the way I can finally start talking about jazz and allocer's dynamic ^_^

jazz and allocer first become close when they're assigned to train under the same mentor, general furfur — love this guy btw — before performing in the "harvest festival", a kind of practical exam every first year at babyls has to do.

yet, for some reason, instead of actually training the two, furfur takes them to a bar. jazz and allocer question this, but furfur shrugs it off saying that connecting with adults is part of their training.

spoiler alert: furfur is a little shit and he brought jazz and allocer here to sell them into child labor to pay for his debts with the bar (remember the pictures from a while ago that I used to compare their speech patterns? that was them realizing they were being sold. lol)

and so the two of them r stuck in hell together for the next 3 weeks

(side note #2: I love their matching outfits. they look so cute)

in this hostile environment, a weird partnership forms between them. they learn more about each other. jazz tells allocer about his evil fucked up brother and how frustrated he is that he couldn't see through furfur's bullshit, to which allocer replies he is actually just as upset.

allocer's face isn't very expressive and his voice is often monotone (again, autism…) so jazz is very surprised by this.

AOAOOGUGGGHG LOOKK AT HIS BLUSHY FACE … HE'S SO CUTEEE AGG89R9. I'M normal . I'm ok.

the two of them start working towards a common goal: HUMILIATING FURFUR AND SEEING HIM CRY.

anw long story short they come up with a plan using every dirty trick they learned from the adults at the bar, their plan doesn't fucking work, they get made fun of by furfur, and they're still stuck working for free. lol

but that's how their relationship forms. what I find so fascinating about them is that they have no reason to trust each other given the circumstances, but they still do. they form an unbreakable bond. they complement each other too, one being streets smart, while the other is books smart. the partners in crime ever.

also mairuma has these little after-credits side stories called sukimas and . I will let the video speak for itself bc watching this is what made me start shipping them in the first place. just watch

they have more interactions I could talk about in-depth, but their partnership during the harvest festival arc is the most major. still I'll briefly go over some other jazzllocer moments that make me insane

at some point during the harvest festival, jazz gets disqualified (long story). and though jazz and allocer were working together during it, they were never an official team, so allocer wasn't disqualified with him. still, near the end, allocer states that "there's no point in winning if it's not together (with jazz)" (thinking abt this makes me want to detonate myself like a bomb)

when they're second years, they're put in another exam and in this one each of the misfits is supposed to protect two first year students from the teachers hunting them. jazz's strategy? he entrusted his incredibly important protegees to allocer and confronted the teachers upfront as a diversion. in the end allocer couldn't protect his own first years, but he did protect jazzy's, which earned his buddy a rank up (once again I feel like exploding at this very moment)

3. mairuma has fanbooks and that includes character profiles with some trivia on them, including a "people they are currently paying attention to" section. in jazz's profile, allocer is the first one listed there (meaning he's the one he's paying the most attention to), followed by general furfur and his brother. in allocer's profile, jazz is the first one listed, followed by furfur again and then a teacher he bonded with in a diff arc (if you can't read japanese you'll just have to believe me on this one)

btw despite ALL OF THIS canon interaction, these two r a very rare rarepair. they don't have a romantic ao3 tag bc nobody has ever published a fic w/ this ship. the ONLY fic under their platonic tag isn't even about them, they're just side characters in it. every day this fact alone spirals me into further despair and insanity. I am so fucking unwell literally rotting I am deteriorating flesh and bones losing every ounce of my fucking mind I hope at least ONE person reads this deranged ass ramble and starts to at least consider this ship bc I can't take it anymore they ahve NOOOOO CONTENTTT AAAAOGIGGHHGGO SOMEBODY GET ME OUTTTTT G924488948 gets put down like a rabid animal

[yostresswritinggirl]

Unspoken angst is Hu Tao’s reaction to the rising costs of Zhongli’s spending habits as he guides and supports Scara and puppet reader. He finds their interactions to be endearing. Childe would be a hilarious addition to the mora woes.

SPEAKING OF DANGEROUS PLANTS AND FAUNA! Have you heard of the nipple fruit? Apparently it’s poisonous. (From what I know, bleeding mushrooms are safe to touch.)

Scara sends Nahida and Traveler postcards of his travels with puppet reader and it’s like… a honeymoon to me. Lantern rite date! And in a quiet spot under the lanterns, they hug and watch. Scara and puppet reader might as well settle with the Aranara eventually.

Modern au when Scara drives, he got one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding puppet reader’s hand and occasionally he kisses their knuckles during the drive. Is it dangerous? I mean yea. It is still cute? Also yea.

I think Dain’s perspective on Scara and puppet reader would be interesting. But I just wanna see more Dain, lol.

Nilou didn’t come home either so I am very sad. Tighnari and Nilou when????? Also, I tend to get my ideas the second I walk into the kitchen so that’s probably why I gravitate towards food ideas. Maybe it’s because my attention span jumps from this to that frequently. I’ve been thinking about bedroom layouts and mattress size. Who is the one who uses organizer bins in the house? Who goes with the Marie Kondo way of organization? What do their aprons look like???? Does Tighnari help tie Cyno’s hair back when he forgets to???? (Yes.) Scara and puppet reader hold hands when they go to bed. Scara sparkling when happy because of puppet reader. Ah. It’s amore.

Bloom anon

*searching nipple fruit* oh wow, wait, people grow these for decorations?! That's fucked up, I wouldn't trust myself with that

Don't worry Hu Tao, sooner or later Scaramouche would feel annoyed and think Zhongli is showing off or belittling their reserves, and show off the good ol Fatui salary™ Also don't ever ever mention Childe or even bring him when they're there because hell WILL break loose

Omayghad IT IS A HONEYMOON HAHAHAHA I can't fuckin believe these two, or actually it's probably because of them being puppets so they're neurotic as hell "hey we just wrecked havoc across Teyvat with our terrible life decisions and almost ruined Sumeru but we're cool now and want to go on vacation, see ya" and yes, I think after their honeymoon phase, they end up settling in the forest with the Aranaras cottagecore style

Nahida doesn't mind, honestly she'll visit a lot even, they're all immortal friends so even better. But the funniest imagine I could think of would be Traveler traveling to a new region either Natlan or Fontaine fighting gods and shit, and while running away from authorities, they meet eyes with Scaramouche and puppet Reader who were in the middle of eating on an outside table like 🧍🧍 🏃

Bonus: they don't do anything to help because they don't want to be dragged into whatever archon shit they're dealing with. More bonus: they have the audacity to send the Traveler another post card in that same region, "that restaurant had the best dessert, you should try it once you're not a fugitive anymore"

Dain's narrative would certainly be melancholic since he's reminded of his adventures with the twin. 'Such divine beings tossed away and broken by the reality of the living world, the only ones who can truly understand how their mind works and how they view the world are each other. If gods can roam Teyvat as mortals, then they deserve this period of their life more than anything else.'

Bloom anon, the master of domestic fluff is now your official title, turning even the most painful fic into a wholesome sequel

[lady-of-lyon]

So, I made one post a while back about how awesomely feminist the show Wild Kratts was, with how its two main female characters were women of color in engineering and deserving roles of power, female villains who weren’t motivated by spite or quest for youth, etc, but today I wanted to talk about something slightly different, that I’ve wanted to cover for a while now, because I also think it’s very good - and that’s how the show portrays masculinity, in a way that’s really positive!

First, we have our two main characters, Chris and Martin Kratt. Keep in mind these two are basically self-inserts - and there are plenty of creators, especially males, who have used self-insert characters in really scummy ways - all I have to say is Powerpuff Girls reboot and you know exactly what I’m talking about. Even if they weren’t literal self-inserts, male characters, superheroes especially, oftentimes serve the male power fantasy, being just the strong, stoic, all-powerful person so many boys are told they’re supposed to be. I could get into a whole discussion about how the male power fantasy is present even when males are not (ever look through a fashion magazine and wonder why there are so few men? Sure, part of it is that the industry thrives off exploiting women’s insecurities, and men aren’t as concerned for their appearance, but another part of it is so that the guy, looking through it, can feel like he has no competition for these women - there’s a reason so many comedians have jokes about fashion magazines being their sexual awakening as kids. It’s really scummy) but that’s not what this is about. So, the bros had every opportunity to do just that - make themselves these traditional heroes who aren’t actually really good role models, like batman or what have you. It’s certainly not uncommon for celebrity cartoons to do stuff like that. But Martin and Chris chose a different approach. They’re pretty strong standouts for positive masculinity. They’re openly affectionate - both with eachother as brothers, and with their friends. They cry, sometimes over little things - most of the time when big superheroes cry, it’s ‘cause they lost the girl they loved or their mentor or something like that, only in the big, most agonizing moments do they shed a tear. But here, Chris or Martin will cry just because they’ve had a bad day, or because they’re overwhelmed and overjoyed that someone named a mantis after them! In a lot of shows or movies when a guy cries over something little, it’s usually played for laughs, or to emasculate him, but here it’s casual without being unreasonable or overdone. The brothers cry just ad much, maybe even more (haven’t gone back and counted or anything) as the girls do. Not to mention, it’s a very nice depiction of a loving, healthy sibling relationship. As the youngest sibling myself, it’s refreshing to see a pair who don’t abuse eachother with noogies or cruel and snarky remarks. When they do fight, it’s never a screaming match, and also because they had a conflict of interest or disagreed over a fact, not because, say, one of them stole the other’s shirt or is neglecting the other’s feelings. Kids, being very impressionable, get exposed to a lot of abusive sibling relationships played as normal in media, and start thinking this is how siblings are and should act. For instance, my sister (who is now my best friend and has gotten over all these bad habits over time) when she was younger watched a lot of Kim Possible, a show that is great, but has a bad family dynamic with Kim and her little siblings. The “tweebs” as she calls them are always irresponsible, destructive, and making Kim annoyed to no end. My older brother was one of the most polite, reserved, kind little kids, but she still treated him like he was a brat and a nuisance, because that’s what shows like Kim Possible taught her little brothers were. Additionally, I was always treated like a spoiled crybaby who just wanted attention and got away with everything - I was not any of those things, ever, but that’s what shows teach you little sisters are. Sure, Wild Kratts has a smidge of that, with Chris seemingly being the stereotype of the know-it-all little sibling, but instead of being constantly looked town upon for being too “perfect” like with Hailey Long in American Dragon, Martin often praises his brother for his abilities. Sure, Martin gets annoyed when Chris tries to correct him on things, like in the episode Wolf Hawks, but everyone else does too, so it feels more like a take-down of mansplaining than a sibling spat.

I talked too in the feminist post about how refreshing it is that Chris and Martin more or less willingly put themselves under the authority of Koki and Aviva, two women of color. I don’t think it’s possible to say any one character is the “leader,” they all work as a evenly balanced team, but it’s safe to say that Koki and Aviva make the more responsible decisions. The bros try to get out of their calls a few times, but the show plays it more like they’re being irresponsible, and less like they’re renegade cool dudes who don’t take nothing from nobody, especially not two girls. They are pretty much always punished via karma for their reckless choices, most especially in To Touch a Hummingbird, where their arrogant attitudes blow up in their faces rather spectacularly. We also never see the narrative most present in sitcoms, where the male leads mess up and go out of their way to cover it up and ultimately gets away with it - after all, you have to root for them, right, because sure they messed up and had no consequences, but aren’t they just so lovable? No, here Martin and Chris always have to fix their wrongdoing, and it’s always deserved when they get comeuppance. Another aspect of the show I like is that, many times, when the bros get captured or are in peril, they are saved by the women - and most refreshing of all, there’s never a moment of “wink wink nudge nudge wow I can’t believe I had to be rescued by a GIRL” or even “wow you saved me you’re pretty good honey guess I shouldn’t have underestimated you, you go girl!” No, when the girls save them, it’s just - you know, relief? Because they were saved? It’s never a scenario played as an exception, or any more dire than when the bros need to rescue eachother. The bros are genuinely happy to have them as teammates. The show even did the standard “boys vs girls” episode in the form of When Fish Fly - but instead of being actually girls vs. boys, it’s engineers vs. adventurers. There’s nothing really gendered about it - the girls happen to be engineers, and the boys happen to be adventurers. And the episode doesn’t end with the boys being “wow gosh darn I shouldn’t have doubted you girls are better at everything,” it’s a mutual agreement that both parties have hard jobs. Basically, the bros are very naturally respectful of women. That plays more into their feminist narrative too, but either way, it’s refreshing.

Then, we have Jimmy! Jimmy, the lovable gamerboy pizza man. At first glance Jimmy seems like the stereotypical cowardly, pathetic, emasculated loser. He’s frightened of most things, as of yet has no power suit, and he BAKES for crying out loud! But none of these things are framed as terribly bad traits. Sure, we laugh when he screams and runs from an animal, but though it happens over and over, the crew doesn’t get sick of it. They don’t berate him or belittle him because he’s so gosh darn cowardly. There’s a great scene in Rattlesnake Crystal where Jimmy has to deliver something to the bros alone, in the middle of a spooky desert. He is terrified the whole time, sprinting off after he delivers the goods. When Martin and Chris run into him, they don’t laugh at him for being spooked, they just greet and then bid fair well to their friend. To them, this is just Jimmy, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Jimmy isn’t coddled, but he is reassured many times that he’s a valuable member of the team. I love that little message, that you’re just as important of a person even if you can’t do as much or have greater limits. When his friends do try to get him over his fears, it’s not because they have to, that the day will somehow be ruined by Jimmy’s incompetence p, but because they’re his friends, and want him to experience fun and wonderful things that he would otherwise miss out on. But what Jimmy CAN do is just as important! Jimmy is a gamer, which in a lot of shows, is portrayed as a lazy, useless, mindless hobby. But here, because he plays video games, it makes him essential for piloting the ship and teleporting important items. There’s always the joke that video games improves your hand/eye coordination, but recent studies have shown it has much better effects. It can make you much better at keeping track of multiple moving objects and processing technical but variable information- two traits which, fittingly enough, are really really important for air traffic controllers and airplane pilots! He also demonstrates a lot more courage behind the wheel of the Tortuga, which makes sense - in an impersonal setting, he would have more sense of calm and control and courage, because it’s so similar to a video game world. It’s not all too different with how I feel more emboldened to pick fights with people on the internet, but get crazy anxious if a real person so much as looks at me. So Jimmy’s love of video games isn’t because he’s irresponsible, it has real benefits. A quick last point - Jimmy also eats a lot, but they thankfully don’t make him fat or greedy or anything like that. He never takes food from people, he actually bakes, and shares it with others! Having the baker be a boy is a lovely touch.

I might do another post about the toxic masculinity of the two villains, (or four villains, I guess, if I wanna discuss the minions) but I’ve got other work to do, and this post is long enough already, so I’ll get around to it later. I’ll sum it up with this - Wild Kratts is a show that teaches boys it’s not only ok to be kind, but essential. The brothers protect defenseless animals, advocate for things “icky” and “weird,” like bugs or snakes or worms - not because they’re boys, and boys like icky things, but because they genuinely see the beauty in all life, and are encouraging us to slow down and do the same. The Wild Kratts are heroes who save the world not by being the strongest or smartest or coolest, but by looking after those who are exploited and vulnerable, who are essential to the world, even if they can’t always do everything. In Wild Kratts the only weaknesses a man can have isn’t what he can’t do, but what he does do that he shouldn’t have. Sure, it’s a cute show about two funny guys who have cool powers, but it’s also a show about accountability, compassion, respect and trust. The show says “boys will be boys” in all the right ways - Martin is a lovable goof with a heart of gold, but he still has to get his act together when he messes up, and he’s still creative and smart and openly sensitive. Chris is a bit of a know-it-all show-off, but he can also mess up as much as his brother, and is still bold, brave, adventurous, and can put his money where his mouth is. Jimmy is a cowardly, napping, eating machine video-gamer, but he’s still a valued member of the team, has incredible skills and talents, and will always help his friends, even if he is really, really scared. It is so important to have role models like these, in a world dominated by unhealthy machismo. The Wild Kratts are heroes who save the world - both animated, and real.

All they need now is a canon queer character, and I’ll stan them forever! My money’s on Aviva!!

[yandere-sins]

Hey there^^ Haven't done a request for quite a while but I'm pretty stuck myself and I could really use something to lift my mood, too, and your writing always does that :) So, I thought of Satan or Lucifer with prompt 3 and 34, maybe? If it's not too much it'd be nice if the reader could be rather anxious (my anxiety is really acting up these days .-.) but that's not that important

Have a nice day and stay healthy ^^

Blue

Hi Blue! Thank you for requesting ^-^ I decided to do some Satan bc I have another Lucifer request and this way we can have some variety :D Please enjoy! ^-^

Pills - “Be a good girl and sit still. You don’t want me to be unhappy right?”

Stickers - “One more time. I’m giving you one more chance to stop fucking resisting.

»»———————— ♡ ————————««  

“Be a good girl and sit still. You don’t want me to be unhappy, right?”

His demand sounded reasonable, and his voice was calm. Still, the hand clutching your thigh was too rough with your skin, the fingers digging into it painfully. Immediately, you stopped bopping your foot, a nervous habit you hadn’t even noticed you started.

How long had you been sitting in his lap for now? An hour? Two? It felt like the whole morning and was probably more like the entire day, but through the partially hidden window in Satan’s room, you couldn’t make out the time of day, even if the Devildom had varying daytime-lightning outside. But this way, you could only count the pages Satan had already read as any indications of time, even though it wasn’t a reliable source.

Clenching your fists on top of your legs, you wondered what else there was you could do. Perhaps it was one thing to read the day away, but it was an entirely different one when you were just the lapdog to someone doing it. Even if you showed interest in books, Satan preferred to keep you close to him, and unfortunately, his favorite reading chair didn’t allow two people to read comfortably. That, and the constant fear you might actually find something useful to slip out of his grip, made him decide that you could read only with him or not at all.

It was just a problem that the language of the book he was reading wasn’t one you could understand.

All you were reduced to was a stiff, anxious, warm body sitting on top of him, hoping that soon Satan would decide to do anything else. You couldn’t live with his suggestions of taking baths together or being left alone for hours to no end while he took care of daily business, but this was the third day in a row where things were simply... too calm.

You had been quick to cease bringing up arguments. Satan had scared you once when he grew angry before your life took this turn by his side. Still, it was nothing compared to the violent and oppressive force he used on you now when you acted ‘unsuitable’, as he called it. Part of you wanted nothing more than to scratch his face, bite and kick, but when you brought up the courage to stand up for yourself and your rights, his exuding magic alone made you crumble to your knees in primal, inferior fear, knowing all the bad things he would do to you if you pushed it any more than you already had.

Wherever he took the patience from, it was wearing thin regardless of its masses.

That, and that alone, was the reason you even listened to what he said.

Looking down at yourself, you might not have been able to see any bruises left on you, but you felt them in every flinching of your muscles. The soreness, the pain - they never disappeared, and Satan wasn’t going to help you forget by applying magic to heal them.

Instead, he caressed your thigh with his hand, fingers circling over your skin menacingly. Perhaps from an outside view, it looked almost sweet, but you felt nothing short of a warning from his touch. Every touch was calculated. A game. Maybe he truly wanted to help you calm, but you wouldn’t have put it past Satan to actually try and provoke you to do something stupid. It was his way of forgiving the bad things he did to you, much like an eye for an eye. He disapproved of many things, but he couldn’t quite justify his actions if you didn’t act up. Satan swore up and down that he preferred cats over dogs, but god beware you’d behave like one. Unknown sadistic tendencies seemed to ride him when it came to you, and from what you understood, you were his place of comfort and peace when you were in his arms and his punchbag if you made his days worse than they needed to be.

But arguably, you were just his; all he needed, either way.

Worse thoughts crossed your mind than this. Ideas of how similar he was to Lucifer when it came to oppressing, but you would have taken the eldest brother’s help without even a moment of hesitation. At the same time, you wanted nothing more than to get away from Satan. 

Encountering a sudden change of mood was what you feared the most. It happened too often. Satan wasn’t that hard to please, but he unexpectedly and sharply changed moods for no apparent reasons, just like a teenager.

What if he read a passage in his book he disliked? What if your foot began to bop again? What if your breathing was too loud? What if he decided you were too heavy... When would it stop? When would the worries finally go away?

He loved you. He told you he loved you, so why were you a prisoner in his room? Why did he refuse to let you go? See other people? Sleep in your own bed for a change? And why was he enraged every time such a wish crossed your mind?

The book in his hand lowered as you sunk deeper and deeper into your panicked thoughts, wondering what you should do from now on to stay on his good side and maybe regain your privileges. So many emotions fogged your senses; you didn’t even hear him take a deep breath as his eyes narrowed while they focused on your leg, nervously bopping up and down again.

However, you did notice the sudden jerk as he threw you off his lap, pain shooting through your body as you scrapped your knees on the floor. You hit the stacks of books Satan threw you into, hardcovers falling down on you, making you yelp as they felt like bombs raining down onto your body.

“What’s the matter this time?” he asked, standing up and closing the book. It took a lot of courage to look up at him, Satan’s pretty face and perfect posture as intimidating as the waspish shine in his deep green eyes. You perceived it as cold and belittling as he looked down on you, standing over your legs.

“I want to go home--” you whispered, close to tears as you averted your eyes from his, unable to look at him when he glared back at you so resentfully.

“[Name],” he called out to you in the most condescending way you could imagine someone speaking your name. However, you no longer could bear looking him in the eyes, and so, you let your head hang low, expecting the worst but hoping it was over soon.

“How long will you keep complaining. I was so good to you the last few days, wasn’t I? It’s all because you said you were unhappy with me, so I bettered myself, yet, you behave just the same. When will you realize this is home?”

Hearing this from him, you felt your heart break. Hearing that this dangerous, painful situation should be a norm and comfort for you made you want to throw up. But at the same time, it rose your spirits, and before you knew it, you were back on your wobbling feet, the pain being suppressed by adrenaline as you grabbed Satan by the collar. In retrospect, you realized you had been just like a frightened animal and snapped as he came too close for comfort.

“THIS ISN’T MY HOME! YOU ARE KEEPING ME HERE AGAINST MY WILL! WAKE UP, SATAN!” you screamed at him as loud as you could. Perhaps you wished for a stunned realization overcoming him, or maybe that someone else could hear you outside this little, private room. But it wasn’t like anyone came running to help anyway.

Instant regret flooded your mind as you felt his hands grip your wrists, the book he had held onto falling to the ground with a loud thud. A zip of magic sparked from where he grabbed you, burning through your body like venom. It was no question who was the stronger animal in this struggle, your body falling back and down into the pile of books with just one step Satan took forward. But with your hands still anchored in his clothes, you pulled him with you, and on top, giving him a chance to pin you down on the uncomfortable bed of books.

Though it felt like your bones were breaking under the pressure and awkward position, your will hadn’t been affected as much yet, your body instinctively pushing against him, even though it was futile.

“One more time. I’m giving you one more chance to stop fucking resisting.” The words escaped him through clenched teeth, a hostile fire flickering in his eyes that you were forced to stare into. You knew you had it coming for you. His rage. His anger. There was no way out now, and once again, you had made the situation worse for you than needed. Finally, as you felt your ragged breath fill your lungs unreliably, you calmed down, tears shooting to your eyes while the sobs escaped from your mouth.

For a minute or two Satan merely let you bawl it out, the streams of tears falling down your cheeks and onto the books beneath you, but it was of no concern to either of you. At least now, he didn’t tell you to cease your sadness too, and you realized all he wanted was for you to stop attacking him, even if it was unfair when he apparently was allowed to.

Instead, you found yourself being scooped into his arms, face pressed into his shoulder as you hugged him instinctively. His hold was right out of a book about how to console crying children, his hands perfectly falling to your head and back, calmingly rubbing over the hurt part of your body.

“Please...” you sobbed into his shirt.

“I love you. I will always love you, even if you do this to me,” he assured you. You didn’t want it. Not his love, not being held by him like this, not him playing the victim in this scenario. As if it was your fault he had to do these terrible things.

“Just... please...”

“Forever. We will stay together.”

His words did nothing to help you, even more crying ensuring as they laid down heavily on your mind.

“You’re all I have. All that only belongs to me,” Satan whispered while you shook your head softly, rubbing in the wet stains into his clothes and wishing it was all just a nightmare that you could wake up from.

“That’s why, from now on, I will be the only one for you as well.”

But you never woke up from it.

[You can find the prompt list here]

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: neglect, depression // seeking advice

I went through really bad neglect as a kid and bc of that, my teeth are horrible. my parents never took me to see a dentist as a kid, except once when my grandparents took me (I was very young). I’m almost 20 now and super embarrassed of my smile. my teeth are crooked, some rotted, and just…not what they should be. I don’t have health insurance and I never did, and my parents never cared for me. I went through and am still dealing with depression, and it has caused me to neglect myself more bc I thought I wouldn’t be alive past high school. I didn’t brush my teeth for awhile, which again added to my terrible hygiene, and now I’m utterly lost. I want to see a dentist and fix years of neglect but I’m afraid it’s too late (and I’m embarrassed). all of my teeth are ugly and need to be removed. I think I’ll have to get dental implants but those are very expensive, and I’m scared that the dentist will belittle me or judge me. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that my parents and my own selfish depression let my dental hygiene get this bad.

Hey friend,

I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling. Dental hygiene is something lots of folks struggle with, and it's easy to feel like its all people can focus on when they see you. It's even harder when you were never taught to care for yourself.

I don't want to patronize you, but is it the actual brushing and flossing and whatnot that gets you hung up, or is it building the habit to brush?? If it's the actual brushing the teeth and flossing, you can experiment with different brushes and flavored toothpaste. I personally can only use bamboo toothbrushes and kids flavoured toothpaste. If it's building the habit, there's phone apps out there designed to help, I use Brush DJ but there's Pokémon themed ones and more. There's lots of options, and that can be overwhelming, but I believe in you!!

Okay so, the dentist problem. I'm also scared of dentists, I have strange teeth and a weird jaw. When you research your dentist (which!!! definitely do research please) you can search out those who help people struggling with mental health issues, or dentists who specialize in cosmetic dentalcare. Also there are dentists who do payment plans and cheaper services (check out dental schools nearby, they're affordable).

Worst case scenario, the dentist will set up and appointment and check out your teeth, and if its completely unsalvageable, they have recommendations for what to do next. I've only heard of this happening in extremely rare cases, so please don't fret too much, dentists have seen it all.

I'm unsure exactly what your teeth look like, but there's lots of options these days. You can have a root canal, or dental bridges that attach to your healthier teeth, they have dental crowns/caps, and of course there's always extraction. I cant guide you with choices, a dentist is the only one who can, but know that whatever you choose is a good choice.

Please please don't be embarrassed, I know lack of dental hygiene feels super embarrassing but if you wait too long it can effect your health in different ways. I remember going to the dentist after 10 years of not going, I was so scared and my teeth were so bad that he set up my appointment right then and there. You can explain to them you're anxious about it and that you've been letting the care slide, you can ask them for help, most genuinely wish to help folks!!

Above all, I want you to know there's nothing morally wrong with having strange teeth. There's nothing wrong with struggling with dental hygiene. There's nothing wrong with being scared of dentists. You're being very brave by asking for help, and I hope you find a compassionate dentist who is able to help you.

Please feel free to reach out again anytime, I hope this answers your questions and reassured you.

Mod Soul

[rillils]

hi hi ui, so first of all, you don't need to post this if you don't want to. hell you don't even need to read it if you don't want to, which is why I'm sending it here and not in dms.

but i just want you to know, that you're not pathetic and dumb, and you're one of the best people in my life. when I say I love you /p I mean it fully. You're one of the sweetest and kindest people I know, and you're amazing. 🫂🫂 I hope you aren't too hard on yourself nowadays, but if you are, then know that there's a blanket burrito out there cheering for you all the time.

Oh Luck, I don't even know what to say, except-- I'll be crying on your shoulder for a minute if you don't mind 😭😭😭 You're such a wonderful human being, honey, the sweetest soul in the world, and when I say that I love you I mean it too, from the bottom of my heart 💖💖💖💛💛💛 I don't know how to thank you for your words, really, I just. Please, please know that they mean a lot to me, and I'll keep them close to my heart, especially on bad days 💕💕💕

Unfortunately, I've never been good at being kind to myself, you know, always had the terrible tendency to belittle myself at every turn. I'm actively trying to stop doing that, but breaking life-long habits is hard to say the least :') I have very little faith in myself, not to mention my writing, and comparing myself to others (especially in a fandom full of so many wonderful and skilled writers, god bless you all 🥰) is a surefire way to feel small and stupid and hopeless, so there's another bad habit I'm trying to get rid of. It's just... sometimes it's hard, is all. Sometimes the mean voice in the back of your mind is the only thing you can hear, and you end up listening.

What I'm doing these days is, I'm giving myself permission to exist the way I am, and every day I try to remind myself that even my writing has a right to exist, even if all I can write is tiny little things and I'll never produce epic novel-length fics, the way I see so many wonderful people do 💖

Shit, I'm sorry this got so long dhsghfjdjd I just want to thank you again, darling, seriously 💕💕💕💕 I hope you have a good night (please don't stay up too late, you precious bean!!!), and also, I love you so so so so so so so so much 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

[erosofthepen]

after going to a party and attracting a group of people with confidence issues and a habit of making self-deprecating jokes, i think i discovered my life’s purpose- to help people get more sure of themselves. 

Like... I used to be a person who would constantly belittle myself and basically refuse to accept any compliments of anysort, but I soon realized that i was not making myself anymore desirable to other people as either a friend or a romantic interest. Constantly searching for validation in the eyes of others while also refusing to believe any of their validation was just... annoying, actually. Last night, when the self deprecating people kept making harmful jokes about themselves, i realized what I must have been like. It was really frustrating and just straight out tiresome to keep hearing them say such things, especially when i would tell them not to or tell them that they were gorgeous/amazing/adorable and they would shove it off and make another joke about how ugly/terrible/gross they were. Like?? Stop?? I know you’ve probably been through hardships and struggles in your relationship with yourself, but when you keep saying things like that, It makes me not want to hang around.

When a person spews nothing but negativity about themselves, I legit don’t want to be around them. Not only is it incredibly exasperating to try and make them see that I think they look beautiful and that they’re a really sweet human being with good in their heart, only for them to contradict it by listing all of their flaws, It ultimately makes them a person i don’t want to be around. All this negativity, for what?? I tell you the truth, and you refuse to hear it. Why is that? Are you so consumed in hate for yourself that you cannot bear the thought of someone truly seeing how great you are? or are you longing for constant validation, so you seek mine, but push it aside in hopes for more, as if you are afraid of my love and compliments stopping after i’ve said them once?

And, reflecting on all of this, i realize that this is probably the reason why I never had too many friends a while back. I can understand now how difficult it must have been for people to be friends with me, when I was constantly belittling myself in hopes that someone would come and correct me.

I never had a good relationship with neither my personality nor my body, not until I stopped putting it down and hating on it. I have both the body and personality of a goddess, and my life has been so much better since owning it. I give and receive compliments freely, and focus my daily conversations on my passions and goals instead of my insecurities, and have found myself having an easier time keeping friends and attracting others. And it really all began with a change in mindset.

It took me about a year to truly become better in my relationship with myself, but i haven’t made a joke about how terrible or ugly I am in that time, and when i look into the mirror, i only see beauty and appreciation on how far i’ve come. Of course, there are days where I wish to change something about myself, but i quickly take note whether i truly want to do it for myself or for society, and then I remember to love myself where I am right now, because if you don’t take time to do that, you won’t love yourself in the future either. A little example of this is exercising to grow my muscles. I want to do this for me, but I also appreciate how they appear right now, cause I know i’ll look hot either way.

And now i'm realizing that when some people want to make a change about themselves, they absolutely do not have the same mindset, and a lot of them sadly will not see themselves as worthy unless they look the way they have planned. And soon they’ll realize they won’t see themselves as worthy then either. And that honestly saddens me. I don’t want to see someone suffer like that, caught in a never-ending cycle of hate for themselves. I want to see them grow to love themselves, and doing it in a safe and healthy way. 

What i want to do, with every person I see suffering with their own image and selves, is to try and help them with their confidence and see themselves as they truly are. Maybe it’s too far fetched, but even if i can help them just a little bit, I can die peacefully knowing i left the world a bit better than it was.

[annegillette]

My dearest Anne,

I did say I was rather observant. You have a famous familial line, I could only expect such a thing as trained security, but humans are faulty. I intend on breaking apart those aspects of myself and building it up. A picturesque vision, if only to calm my nagging mind which deplorably has had me suffer. Though perhaps I will let you come to me? I would be remisced if I haven’t fantasied about your beautiful eyes finding mind. A welcomed void to be sure.

As my grandmother would say, “l'appel du vide.” The Call of The Void, and what a boundless, riveting sight your eyes will be. Far beautiful than any painting you procure... A welcomed fate for this woman, who knows the void all too well.

What you say to me in confidence shall stay as such, why would I sabatoge any chance of a connection? A person only ever has five minutes to make a perfect first impression... or is five seconds? Nevertheless, ma sacrée cœur, I would not dare the chance.

You intrigue me, from each strand of gold you call your luciously fair hair, to the delightful way you chew your lower lip when excited or otherwise intrigued. I’ve noted it, and it is an agreeable subconscious gesture, but dare I say you can often use it like a predator. Entrancing and entrapping your prey who would do anything under your will. I am pleased you picked up on my insinuations, as I perfer to be more cooth with my verbiage. I can only imagine what your boudoir looks like, and you. Just as I said, Carmilla and Laura. I will be gone in the break of day as not to disturb your future plans. Perhaps my langour you will also find intriguing, but it’s mostly an unsightly thing- as is my cane.

Observant like Nurse Ratched, hm? She seems.. stiff.

You are correct when you say that humans are faulty, because, they are. What a terrible burden, to be faulty, isn’t it?

You have certainly made an impeccable first impression, you French women intrigue me.

Are you.. certain that you are not constantly watching me? How else would you know about my.. habits?

But it does take me little to no work to wrap people around my finger...

It would be an interesting twist to my usual gallery openings to have a mysterious vintage lesbian show up, paying attention to nobody but me.

I am fairly certain there cannot be anything unsightly about you, do not belittle yourself, you are a woman of class, after all.

[pskills95]

My experience being in a Toxic/Emotionally Abusive Relationship

To everyone reading this or who comes across this post... I wanted to touch up on this story and share it to you all in the hopes that any male or female who is or has experienced this knows that they aren’t alone and there is always help available and someone to talk to,and you should never feel afraid to walk away from a situation that feels wrong and doesn’t make you happy. I know I felt afraid to even open up about this but this is what I went through and I am stronger than I have ever been. I was a victim of a toxic relationship that involved many forms of emotional abuse which lasted for about half a year. I don’t want to bash this person and say that he’s evil because I genuinely think he needs to work on himself, however, he did cause me a lot of emotional trauma and made me feel like I couldn’t walk away. The manner in which he protrayed his love for me involved a lot of emotional blackmailing and guilt tripping in order to control me. I know a lot of this behaviour stemmed from his intense amount of low self esteem and insecurity. I cared about this individual so much and I stuck through this because I thought I could help change his insecurities, but in the end I could not. He was always seeking for validation throughout the entirety of the relationship and asked if we were okay and if I had loved him, (questions of those sorts). He would constantly put himself down and call himself ugly and praised me instead while I had to reassure him that he was fine the way he was. This was a very obvious sign of insecurity and a red flag that I knew wasn’t right. He also was a very jealous person who got upset at any kind of attention that I got from males which could have been positive or negative, he made it seem like no one else deserved to have my attention except for him. He hated the fact that I hugged my friends who were males or gave them a harmless touch on their shoulder...there were fights that stemmed from this and ignited his insecurity about himself even more. It just seemed like I couldn’t have males as friends despite the ones I had been close to for numerous amounts of years. I felt like I was being controlled and to stay away from these men who I genuinely had good friendships with. He always made me feel bad because he would say things like “you’re the only girl i look at, I don’t even bat an eye at anyone else”. I understand that having friendships with the opposite sex can be troublesome but if you know your boundaries and limits, there is no reason why your partner can’t trust you. I came across this problem many times and it just got to the point where I stopped telling him which friends I was hanging out with. He always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing if I wasn’t by his side and it was always overwhelming and too much for me to handle. Constantly getting upset if I didnt text him back right away, or if I ignored his phone calls. He did not understand space and how to leave me alone. It was very obsessive and almost a burden for me to even want to speak to him. He would get upset if I didn’t reply back to a snapchat or if I posted things on my story without responding to him first; basically just getting angry at things that were not a big issue. If I didn’t text him goodmorning or goodnight it was always a problem and was brought up in such a passive aggressive behaviour. If there was things I told my friends that I didn’t tell him, it was always a problem, he always wanted to know everything first and would feel so offended when I did not confide in him. I didn’t understand why he put this on me to always tell him all the details about my personal life. We all have things we tell only our closest friends and not our significant other. I couldn’t be myself at all and felt so much restriction all the time. It got to the point where he went through my phone once behind my back without my knowledge and read all my messages looking for a reason to start fights with me and make matters worse when I had done nothing wrong. He did not respect my privacy at all and I couldn’t leave my phone around him anymore and had to change my passwords. I felt so violated and mistrusted due to his own insecurities. When we got into fights, they were never just fights that a normal couple has, I always had to apologize for my behaviour, even when I knew that I didn’t have to. When I knew I was wrong, I would admit to them and apologize sincerely. However, there were times when his insecurities about me made him so angry to the point where he blamed me for how he’s acting and said things like “If you didn’t do this then I wouldn’t be acting this way”, basically pushing all the blame on me instead of recognizing that his behaviour could be controlled. There was an incident that I could never forget where I was sitting in his passenger seat as he sat there yelling at me on the top of his lungs, bashing things in his car including his steering wheel and throwing things while looking me dead in the eyes with so much anger and hatred making me feel so small and belittled. At one point I feared that maybe I might get hit in the face or even worse...I never saw someone act this way to me before in my entire life and it triggered one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever experienced, and this wasn’t the first time he did this to me. Even though he apologized for those actions and said he could never lay a finger on me, I always had that fear in the back of my mind and that situation scarred me mentally. His anger was something that I was genuinely afriad of and wanted to stay away from. I did everything I could to avoid that side of him because it was ugly. I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and I made mistakes but they were always thrown back into my face over and over again. He would never let things go or live it down. Constantly bringing up people from my past, bringing up relationships, mistakes I’ve made and making me feel terrible and bringing down my own self esteem. He would make these sarcastic jokes about things he knew would trigger a response and sometimes even start a fight which would obviously become my fault. I was getting sick and tired of hearing these comments and he never understood how much they hurt me. No one wants to hear things get thrown back at their face to make them feel like shit. He had an extremely bad habit of pointing out all the things he did for me and that if I left this relationship there wouldn’t be anyone else who would treat me the same way. He made this very clear and would always say things like “look at all the things I’ve done for you, I’ve gone to great lengths to make you happy and this is what you do”. The emotional blackmailing always happened in this manner and I always felt guilty. He used his emotions and his “love” for me as a way to manipulate me into staying and sticking around. I always felt like I was the bad person because I felt I had done nothing right and that I couldn’t make him happy no matter what I did. I was always in a constant battle with myself about leaving this relationship or staying, and I didn’t have the heart to walk away because that is exactly what he wanted from me. He would tell me time and time again that I was the reason for his happiness and that I gave him purpose to live. Again this was a red flag that I should have spotted sooner because at the end of the day, true happiness comes from within yourself and your partner should not be the sole reason for that. He had told me to my face that I made up more than 80% of his happiness and he didn’t know what the other percentage was. This was pure manipulation and selfishness because he was putting the burden on me as a person to stick around because I was the reason he smiled. I had this responsibility to stay otherwise things would go sideways, and this was emotional blackmailing at it’s finest. At the end of the day, my feelings were never accounted for or taken into consideration. He would turn down my emotions and would tell me that I wasn’t thinking with a clear mind or that this isn’t how I really feel and I should take time to think about things. When in reality, I knew exactly how I felt in that moment but it never matterd to him, because he wanted to be in control of the situations that happened. He controlled my behaviours in ways I didn’t think were possible. He always gave me lectures and treated me like I was some child who didn’t know what they were doing. The decisions I made for myself personally for some reason affected him so much and would talk down about not only what I did in my free time but also my friends. He would tell me that my friends don’t do anything for me and that they’re bad influences and that he was the only good person in my life who looks after me and means well. He never met my family and friends and had the audacity to tell me who I should be hanging out with and who I shouldn’t and why these people are bad for me. I just never understood why my life choices affected him so badly when it had nothing to do with him. It angered me that he didn’t let me be with my friends without getting lectures. He blamed my friends when we got into fights as well which didn’t make sense because they also had nothing to do with it, I am my own person and can make these choices for myself about what I want to discuss and what I don’t. Alongside him having problems with my friends, he always made it his job to remind me how much he puts me above everyone else and that he makes me his number one priority. And to be very clear, I never asked him to treat me like his number one, I never asked him to do anything for me other than treat me with respect (but again this would come back and bite me in the ass). You shouldn’t have to make your partner a priority until things get super serious and ya’ll are planning on getting married, that’s when things get down to real priorities. My priorities were different than his. I have a good social life and like to spend my time with family and friends as much as I can, or just stay at home to relax for some peace and clarity. He never wanted to make time to go see his friends because all he wanted to do was hangout with me and when I wanted to hang out with my friends it was ALWAYS a problem and this caused multiple fights in the duration of this relationship. It’s almost as if he was trying to get me to himself so that no one else could have time for me. I started to despise this about him because there were times that I picked him over my family and friends when I didn’t have to. He always made me feel guilty that I didn’t spend enough time with him. I saw him quite frequently throughout the week and sometimes that was more than enough for me but it was never enough for him. It wasn’t enough for him to see me only once or twice a week. It was always this constant neediness of him wanting to be around me and spending time. I know couples who have been together for years and don’t spend that amount of time like I was being forced to. It was this type of controlling behaviour that I was not okay with. Overtime my love and affection started to go away because of all the incidents that kept occuring to me, I felt like I had no way out and that I would be trapped in this relationship forever. I just didn’t know what to do. Everytime we fought, he used his emotions and these tactics to reassure me that everything would be okay and that we wouldn’t have these fights again...and I believed him all the time. He had this habit of gifting me items, taking me out or just showing overly amounts of affection as a means of making up for the fights that we had. Spending excessive money that I never wanted him to fully knowing what his financial situation was, he would go above and beyond to try and impress me to make me “happy”. Also a red flag because he was buying my happiness in a way with materialistc things in the hopes that I would stick around and stay in this relationship. His efforts were not genuine because like I’ve said before they were always used against me. Anytime we went out, I always offered to pay because I didn’t feel right having him pay. He would refuse to let me pay and would get upset if I even tried, I only got away with paying a few times and I had to force those payments. I didn’t feel equal in this relationship and it wasn’t fair to me at all because I knew him spending this money was going to be a reason why I shouldn’t leave because he does “nice things”. I always felt like I was not in the position to fight back and always gave into what he said and his demands and to continue to give him more chances over and over again. I knew that I shouldn’t have but I still did. It’s hard to walk away when you care, I learned this the hard way and wish I stood up for myself sooner. The emotional blackmailing got worse when threats started coming into the picture. He would make sly comments about making my life miserable if things went sour and he would make it hard for me to go about my days. He also threatened me with his own life multiple times and specifically said that if I was no longer in his life that there was no reason for him to even live anymore. He would always make threats about how he would hurt himself as a means of making me responsible for his actions. This was one of the worst ways he manipulated me with his emotions and I felt like I had no choice but to stay. Do you know what it feels like when someone threatens suicide? I was too afriad to walk away because I couldn’t imagine...”what if?”. I never ever wanted to be responsible for someone’s death, but ultimately these threats made me realize that he needs help because he relied on me as his happiness too much. He lacked so much self love and self esteem that he was seeking that from me. I couldn’t be responsible for any of it anymore. I knew he had a lot of growing up to do and that if he wasn’t capable of loving himself and being happy with himself, how could he be happy with another person. I had been nothing but honest about how I felt about the relationship and that my feelings were just not the same anymore. The person I had become wasn’t the version that I had liked and all my close friends had seen that positive person change. I wanted to work on myself and just be alone to focus on getting better and to heal. I no longer wanted to feel controlled, I no longer wanted to feel trapped, I was not happy anymore and I wanted out. I finally gave myself freedom and couldn’t have been happier. Even though my side of the story hasn’t been told to everyone until now, and although I might get backlash for coming out with this, I know what my truth is and I know what I experienced within this time. I would never lie about something as serious as this and I couldn’t imagine someone else doing the same. I just hope that with time there is betterment and healing for everyone. Abuse isn’t something that is just physical but also emotional, I didn’t go into details about everything because I could have....but these were some of the things I felt were important enough to disclose and talk about because I know I’m not the only person who has gone through these toxic behaviours. No one deserves to go through it and everyone deserves a voice to be heard and listened to. Thank you for taking the time to hear me out and to actually read this and maybe understand me better. Much love and appreciation all around, god bless❤️

[iamalexthomas]

The Past is Rotting Flesh

I have lost count at the number of times I've started to write about this, clammy hands and heavy fingers have always gotten the best of me, my heart beats at an unhealthy pace and I feel the blood drain from my face. I freeze, feel sick, and eventually, I delete every single word until the page is blank and white. If I don't say this, if I don't write this, if I don't allow this to have its voice then I will go on hiding, and the hiding is too much, I cannot live in the dark any longer. I've kept the light off for far too long and by me keeping that light switched off I invite chaos, self-hatred, fear, paranoia, and ultimate disaster into my life, time and again.

It is a new decade now, this feels like a clean slate, but I've had many clean slates before and I know they don't stay squeaky clean for long. It is time to face the biggest demon of my life, I'll pay no attention to my once again shaky hands...since my early twenties I have battled on and off with drug addiction. Today, right now, this is the longest I have been 'clean' for many years.

This is a heavy weight to have carried, I am after no sympathy or support or kindness. My purpose and agenda for being public about this is because the weight is too much, it's suffocating, crushing, and it is not a burden on my life that I want to carry for the next decade. My 20's were a mess of deceit and denial, the cliches are cliches for a reason. No one is textbook, but there are clear and present patterns for why so many of us become addicted to alcohol, substances, money, success, and so many more of life's pains and pleasures. It is not black and white, it's not a subject that you can understand from reading a book or from watching some terrible movie. I cannot go on ignoring the elephant in the room, I have done for so long and that elephant now has its own elephant.

The label of "addict" yields a universal stigma, for all my self-awareness and clarity comes the covering of ears and eyes. The label felt baggy and loose, it felt distant from me as if I was looking at a character and not really facing the mirror dead on and staring into the eyes of the reflection. "I used to be an addict" was a sentence I would roll out with ease, but this is a bent truth, "I am an addict" is more like it. I recover every day, every single day, and it is important for me personally to acknowledge this.

An addict can become a beautiful liar, I lied to everyone around me, I lied to myself, constantly. When you're getting away with it, you feel in control and unstoppable. Cocaine became my best friend, someone I could rely on, it would never judge or belittle me, it lifted and soaked me in confidence. I grew up a meek and self-conscious child, cocaine would slap me right in the face and tell me I was good enough, ready, and that I was boss. There was no situation that I could not handle, no person better, I was "it'. I embraced the euphoria like nostalgia, I would grab at any sweaty moment for a chance to live in utopia, come what may, the consequences were not important.

The very first drug I invited into my bloodstream was LSD, looking back now on my 16-year-old self makes me realise just how lost I was, acid is a hefty trip and not a drug for any naive kid to have in their hands. From one kind of acid to another, to cocaine, to MDMA, to heroin, to finally anything I could get my hands on, I slid that slippery slope. It's hard work keeping up a lie, it's impossible to keep several going at once. I must have tripped myself up hundreds of times with my stories, loose ends, and half-truths, I functioned on some level pretty well, to begin with, but as time went on and my issues got out of hand I lost touch with being able to maintain the basics. I needed a job to pay rent, to buy food, to pay bills, but really I needed a job to supply myself, my habits spiraled and swelled. My relationships with friends and those close to me became scatty and uncaring, I lost interest in anything other than my the need for maintaining an uncontrollable habit. The reasons I began taking drugs and the reasons I continued were the same, pain and trauma. The irony of addiction is that the means you use to escape the pain only leads you to more.

One vivid memory sticks more than others, sitting alone one evening in my empty flat, I only had the keys for that last night. My flatmate had packed and gone, I was sitting on the floor, not even a table to eat chips at. I had managed a week without taking or using anything, I wasn't sure what my plan was or what direction I was heading in, I played 'Nothing Song' by Sigur Ros on repeat from my phone, my hoodie was my duvet, I cried until I slept, I needed help, either too proud or pathetic to call or text a friend, this is a subject that you can't just casually let slip and then expect your life to carry on as normal. When I left the flat in the morning I headed for the hospital, that was eight years ago. In the years since I have used drugs on several occasions, but never in the same crippling and soul ending way I once did. That night was a start and a lonely glimpse into the torrent I could have travelled.

I've been blessed with songs, and art, and words, and these blessings have saved me, I was able to turn my ship around utilising them, I was able to attend rehab clinics and thrive. I fear the good in life and I worry that I won't be able to withhold all of my darkness entirely by myself forever. I'm awful at asking for help, and it is usually only when it comes right down to the wire that I finally do.

My ultimate agenda behind sharing this publicly is to make myself as accountable and as transparent as possible, there are questions about my past, there are reasons for the gaps of silence, I want to articulate my story so that it might help others, and unfortunately, there are so many others that need help. I have lost family, friends, loved ones, and relationships, and the overbearing cause has been my denial towards the truth of who I am. But I am not solely defined by my past, as no one should be. "A leopard never changes its spots" - true, a leopard cannot change its spots, but people are not leopards and THEY CAN change. There are reasons underneath the surface for why a person will become enthralled and engaged with the escapism of a feeling, a belonging, a drug. Addiction dances with your demons and never plays hard to get.

I will not hide and shy away from the fact that I mistreated others, that I made mistake after mistake after mistake, these are mine to own and make up for. I have a lifelong apology to myself to offer, and that's a rocky road, trust me. I am sorry to my friends, to those who are close, you didn't and you don't deserve this, and I don't deserve this, no one does. 2019 was a test, in its most difficult moments I had to face the same depths that I did when I was in a heavy cycle of using, I have often slept not wanting to wake up, the strength stripped from me.

Right now sharing this I feel like a freed balloon, my shadows are now being seen, heard, and shared. I cannot promise that I will be clean and unattached from addiction for the rest of my life, but I can promise that today I am free, and this life can only be lived one day at a time, I exist in this truth, not the cracks of the past that will haunt and reverberate my life forever. This known truth right here right now is the most precious, giving, and kind. I share this in some way as to admit that I cannot single handily maintain the darkness that stalks me, I do need support occasionally, and by me facing this as upfront as I can, I am hoping to stare it down when it next creeps up.

When I am overwhelmed, when I'm not able or if I'm ever lost, my past rituals and habits will not come and save me, as much as I may want them to. This might be a simple logic for you, but for me, this is a 'beat my chest my life depends on it' acknowledgment. Addiction is a wildfire that can ravage and strangle a life to the brink, if there is any single good to rise from the struggles that have plagued me, I hope it might simply be to help just one person steer away from using, or returning to their habit. I have long shuddered about this becoming a blatant known truth about my life, but it's never about the drugs or the alcohol, or whatever it might be that grabs you, it is about how these vices speak to our trauma or traumas. How they whisper to them and pull them from the darkest corners. No one who is truly balanced, healthy, supported, or loved, would happily put themselves through such a maze of devastation. There are always wheels churning behind the scenes that cause us to take a certain direction.

I head into this coming decade leaving behind the rotting flesh of the past, I cannot go back now, and I don't want to. Here is to thriving, all the very best to you for the coming decade.

Alex.

[anxiouslittlebookworm]

a mental mess |

I am most definately back. 

So the most anxious person on your timeline is back in effect. I know that blogging is something that is needed to help my anxiety. I am going through so much yall and it has been a really crazy year honestly i cannot even begin to explain what this year has brought to me. 

this may have been the hardest year of my life... i will say that this year really tested my mental health, my faith, my belief in my own being, my peace of mind, everything. I dont even know how I got through this year without taking literal drugs. Seriously. 

For starters, I am filing for divorce tomorrow. Yes. Actual filing. Papers have been signed and papers have been notarized. This was a huge step for me considering I was only married for two years. All i will say is that it was an exhausting, toxic, and immature marriage that we both should’ve considered strongly before actually going through with it. We were together for 6 years, but the marriage really tested everything and showed me that this person was not my soulmate/soul match. I am a big believer in soulmates and once i started to realize that he was not my soul mate and that he truly did not love me the way i thought i loved him, i had to make the decision to leave a toxic verbally abusive situation. The situation brought my anxiety and depression to an all time high and it became way too much for me to handle. I finally put myself first and it felt damn good. 

So, while being in this relationship, I was drowning in my own emotions, being afraid to speak my mind, crying at night because i did not feel “at home”, it was just truly depressing. I dont like to say too much about it because as much as I just dont appreciate the way i was treated, i dont like to make other people sould bad because they are not here to defend themselves, but this really did ignite this terrible anxious state of mind that i have been in for such a long time. 

I am trying to keep positive thoughts in my mind and remind myself how strong i actually am. I did something that most people are not able to do, walk away from a toxic situation that you’ve become C O M F O R T A B L E in. That is one of the hardest situations to get out of. I did it. I put myself first and that is the first step to true strength. I thought by letting that situation go that my anxiety, worrying + depression would fly out the window with it, but nope. not the case. 

It has actually gotten worse as far as my emotions go. Because i was yelled at for being “so depressed” all the time and because my emotions were made to feel so small, i was so used to having to keep everything in. Now that i am emotionally + mentally free from that toxicity, i am able to freely cry and feel emotions. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing? Getting these emotions out like this. Dont get me wrong, i was not physically abused by any means and i am not recovering from being abused in that way, but I was surely not able to express my feelings without being yelled at and cursed at and belittled. So now that i am free from that, my feelings are rushing in like flood gates that have been opened. 

I am trying to regain strength, while also being able to freely express my emotions and that is hard as well. I am just a mess right now. Before the end of the year i wanted to start doing little things and getting into habits that were going to be good for my mental health in the new year and i have not found many ways to cope with these depressing spells + anxiety attacks i have been having, but I did make an appointment to see a psychiatrist next friday and I am super excited about it! I feel in a way already liberated because i took a step that i feel like i should’ve taken a while back, making an appointment to see someone about the way ive been feeling. So i pat myself on the back for that big step. I am finally on the road to establishing some type of mental health and wellness care + papertrail as far as my mental health goes and it is exciting. I have been dealing with this all alone for a while and it feels good that i am on the road to getting better. I also enrolled in a insurance plan today and I will now be able to see a doctor and get blood work done because as crazy as it sounds, i feel that i may have PCOS. i have been having irregular periods, weight gain, and i truly dont think i am ovulating every month. I do want to have kids again one day so before i do that, id like to know that i am okay in that department and if i am not what are things i need to do to get back on track with my overall health. I do believe the stress i have been under has caused alot of issues with my hormones and could be a cause of my hormonal imbalance. 

well, that is all i have to say for now. I will do a part 2 of this but it is 10:51 and work will be calling my name in the morning, bye for now. 

[1disenchanted-dowager-blog]

Remembering

About 16 years ago I was longing for a serious relationship with a truly nice guy. I had/have a terrible habit of giving my heart and attention to men and women that are only in it for themselves. So, I tell my friend at the time,”I need to find a nice guy...I’m sick of this shit!” I was tired of being used, crying over someone who didn’t cry over me, loving people who didn’t know what compromise or patience meant. I was ready for a change.

One day I was hanging out at my friend’s place, and here comes her roommate. Now, he was totally different than the people I usually went after. He was super tall, overweight, didn’t care about what he was wearing, had long hair that needed to be brushed, and he wasn’t there to impress anyone with a facade.What you saw was what he was comfortable with. He walked upstairs to his room, went to the bathroom, showered, and went back to his room to meditate. I I started to ask about him.

Pretty soon when I called my friend, she would immediately tell me about him, because she knew I was fascinated. I would come over, and I tried to time it to when I knew he’d be coming home from work. Eventually I started to greet him when he walked in the door, and he looked scared,lol. He would give me short answers, then run upstairs. Next thing you know, he would come downstairs and talk to me. My friend said she never heard him say more than 5 words to her and her husband, but suddenly I come around and he wants to tell me everything, and I mean everything. 

Ok, let’s just tell you a little about me, I guess. I have been called prudish, but damn if people are comfortable with telling me very private things. I listen to people talk about all kinds of things; I will quietly listen, and share what I want to share so that the person feels they can be open with me. I may feel terribly uncomfortable with what’s being said, but I keep it to myself because I know how hard it is to share one’s feelings or thoughts when you feel so alone in them. I smile, and nod. I ask if they are alright, and do what I can to ease any tension so that they can unload their feelings. Do I get these things in return? Not really, and I accept even that. Do I like it? No, but there are plenty of things in this world that I do not like, but they will never go away. On top of all of that, once I have had enough bullshit, I let you know in the most situationally appropriate way possible. So, I will listen and observe other’s behaviors and go from there.I am not always easy to deal with because I am protective of my heart and space. I have been through a lot, and I will share so that others know that they are not alone. 

Anyway, my friend asked me to move in since we were besties at time, and she was married to one of my brothers. I started talking to her roommate, and we were hitting it off. I let him know that I was not moving in to keep an eye on him or pressure him, and I wasn’t trying to move in with him. He has his space upstairs, mine was downstairs. It didn’t take long before we were sharing a room, but that’s not why I moved in. We talked a lot, and he was a bit nervous because he was friends with my brother and didn’t know if he’d approve...lol. I let him know that I didn’t give a shit how my brother felt  because I didn’t need his permission. So we continued to grow closer.

We got along so well! It felt like I had known him my whole life. We could answer each other’s questions before asking them. We did so much together and gave each other the space we needed. Then one day he said,”I think you feel more for me than I feel for you right now” My heart sank, and I accepted what he said. I started to wonder what it was about me that made people react like that. I wasn’t smothering anyone, I wasn’t trying to control anyone, I wasn’t belittling anyone’s decisions or hobbies. I was kind, considerate, loving, patient, and dammit, I still wasn’t good enough to love. There was nothing wrong with this man. He was patient, considerate, loving, kind, sweet, intelligent, creative, friendly, and goofy as hell, and he was pushing me away.

I went to work, bought him a book about Taoist meditation since he was all into it, and I didn’t want him to feel too uncomfortable with me still living there. When he saw me, he looked like he was the sorriest thing in the universe. He told me that he went to visit his mother, and told her about me and what he said to me, and started to cry. His mother told him it was obvious that he loved me, and he was wrong for what he said to me. After that day, that was it. We were always together, we shared everything with one another, we loved one another in a way that these silly romance movies could never touch or be able to explain. He was my best friend, my soulmate, my everything, and I was those things to him. 

A year after we started our relationship, we married. within a year after that, I gave birth to our daughter. Close to a year after that, he was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Did I run away? No. I did my research, I learned all that I could and I took care of him as much as I could and I cherished every moment we had with one another. I never made him feel like an inconvenience, and I never stopped him from doing what he felt he should do for me. I never treated him like some useless creature that needed to be isolated from anyone or anything. I encouraged everything he set his mind to, because dammit, he did that for me and our daughter and my son (his stepson) . We may have had some disagreements, but they were never arguments and we only had 1 shouting match (to which I could tell that he felt sick that he raised his voice to me, and he understood that I will butt heads with anyone and will not back down when I know I am not wrong for how I felt). Things weren’t always sunshine and lollipops, but they didn’t stay sour for long either because we believed in mature communication and reasonable compromises. 

That man worked his butt off to support us in anyway he could. When I was working, he didn’t complain about being left with the children. When our daughter started school, he would let me sleep in while he cooked breakfast for her, got her ready, and took her to school. He never made my son feel like a burden or unwanted, and my son loved him. I truly had a husband that was my dream man. I never saw my life without him, because I never wanted him to leave. How could I ever want anyone other than him? He was everything I ever wanted. 

Years passed, experiences happened, there were doctor’s appointments, medications, road trips for monthly infusions, and things started happening that seemed quick, but it really was slowly creeping up on devastation, and we didn’t notice til it was too late.

My ADD has kicked in...I’ll write more later

[eldritchsurveys]

o83.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x ]] 1. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep, what kinds of things are you likely to do? How often do you find you have trouble sleeping? >> I read when that happens. I don’t have trouble sleeping all that often, but sometimes I’ll have trouble getting to sleep (especially if sleep paralysis is getting in the way) or staying asleep. They’re not really chronic issues, though, and are pretty recent developments.

2. What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? >> I can’t remember the last time I had to fill out something like this. Maybe when I first visited Heartside Clinic?

3. Are you a patient person? What is one way you have a lot of patience? What about not very much patience at all? >> I have a pretty high capacity for patience, just in general. Specific situations that might cause me to be impatient are things like waiting to go somewhere cool or dealing with a situation that I have no investment in but am forced to deal with anyway for whatever reason.

4. At what time during the day do you tend to feel your best? What about the worst? >> I don’t know. I feel pretty much the same no matter the time of day, unless I’m sleepy.

5. What was the last thing you did that you wish you could take back or do differently? >> I guess I could wish I hadn’t had Sparrow take me to Urgent Care when the situation magically cleared itself up on the way there, but the walk back home wasn’t too bad and no lasting harm was done, so... like, whatever.

6. Are there any blogs that you check first thing in the morning or on a regular basis? In general, what kinds of blogs do you like to follow? >> I get notifications for updates from some blogs, so I’ll just check those blogs when I do phone-related activities in the morning, and sometimes throughout the day depending on what else I’m doing. I follow way too many blogs to have a type, lol.

7. How frequently do you stay overnight somewhere that isn’t your own home? What things do you miss about home when you’re away? Do you tend to get homesick easily? >> I stay overnight at other places so infrequently that I actually have a difficult time falling asleep anywhere that isn’t home or the Wayland house (for the first night, particularly; after that, it evens out). The Wayland house gets off easy I guess because I stayed there for the first month when I moved out here. I usually just miss the freedom of being in my own apartment and knowing where everything is and having all my stuff within reach. But I wouldn’t say I get homesick per se, like I love to be other places; I sometimes get the “I want to go home” feeling when I’m overloaded, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I actually want to go home, ya dig.

8. Do you tend to eat more in the beginning of the day or at night? Do you have a tendency to snack when you’re bored? If so, what kinds of snacks do you normally go for? >> I’m not sure. It’s summer right now, so I just eat less in general, which makes my eating habits more nebulous and harder to track. I snack sometimes when I need something else to do with my hands/face, but sometimes I just chew gum for that.

9. If you have any dietary restrictions, do you ever miss foods you can’t have? If not, what’s something you haven’t had for a long time that you wish you could eat again? >> I would love to eat Louisiana food again. One day.

10. What was the best thing to happen to you today? What about the worst? >> I won a $15 Wendy’s gift card at Resident Appreciation Day (Sparrow won $25 to Papa John’s, which we’re going to use later today). The worst thing is, I guess, that I didn’t win the $25 AMC Theaters card, because I really wanted that. :p 

11. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? >> I don’t do well on phone calls and I avoid them as much as possible. I am also pretty unemployable.

12. When was the last time you changed your opinion on a relatively big or serious issue? Overall, do you feel your opinions on things have changed a lot since you were younger or do you still feel the same about many things? What is one opinion you never see yourself changing? >> I don’t remember the last time that happened. But yeah, my opinions on things have definitely changed -- or, expanded might be a better word -- since I was younger... as an especially mercurial individual, I’d be kind of weirded out if they hadn’t. I don’t think I’ll ever change my opinion on religion, though -- I will always be fascinated by it and supportive of it in general, and I will also remain unsupportive of specific religious practices that divide and belittle people.

13. If you have a mental illness, in what ways has it made your life different from those around you? What challenges have you faced, what have you overcome, and what have you had to miss out on? >> I think of myself as neurodivergent, despite the fact that I haven’t been tested for that -- I could be wrong, of course, but then that’d just make all these experiences I’ve had in life even weirder than they already are. Neurodivergence is actually the Occam’s Razor conclusion here. So that would mean my brain developed differently than is common, and my perceptions and philosophies and understanding of the world around me are equally divergent from what is common. I process things differently, I experience emotions differently, I socialise differently, and so on. It’s a pretty pervasive thing. My social development was pretty stunted until adulthood (when I was able to do something about it). I had to learn the intricacies of communication, the differences in the way I respond to things and the ways other people do, how to navigate the world without sticking out like a sore thumb, how to recognise danger, how to avoid social traps, all that shit -- and I guess I picked both a great and terrible place to learn all that stuff in, in NYC, but at least I managed. I’ve missed out on childhood because I feel like I really wasn’t fully present for it, trapped in my own head as I was; I’ve missed out on half of high school because I was usually hospitalised (I’d developed a moderate-to-severe cutting habit due to trauma); I fell off the socially-accepted life path somewhere in high school and never managed to get back on (once the train leaves the station, catching up only gets more and more difficult as time goes on). None of this really bothers me by now, because if there’s one thing a born wanderer will always do, it’s carve a place for itself no matter where it is. I have blazed my own trail. It is mine alone, and I am glad for it -- because no other path would have suited me.

14. Again, if you have MH issues, do you ever wonder what your life would’ve been like without them? If you could snap your fingers and make your illness disappear, would you? Or would something stop you from doing this, and if so, what? >> I mean, I guess I’ve wondered that for funsies, but I can’t imagine being anyone but myself, so. (And the thing about neurodivergence is that it’s literally built into the fabric of who a person is -- if my brain had developed “normally”, I wouldn’t be the same person at all. And I can’t imagine myself as anyone else, so the imagining falls apart.) I do not want to snap my fingers and make a completely different person appear in my place. I do love who I am, it’s just difficult being who I am sometimes. I can handle a little difficulty. I’ve done so this far, after all.

15. Are you good at getting along with other people even if they have vastly different views from yours? When was the last time you had to interact with someone like this, and how did it go? >> Yeah, I can usually get along with someone if I really feel like it, no matter what they think -- with some limits, obviously (there’s no way I’m ever going to get along with a neo-Nazi, let’s be serious). But here’s the thing: most of the time, I don’t care enough to try in the first place, lmao. So it doesn’t matter.

16. What is one way you show another person you care about them? What are things that make you feel cared about in return? >> If I give someone my time and attention, I usually care about them in some fashion. I really don’t just go giving that out, and I don’t feel bad about withholding it if I don’t care about someone enough. Like, what are they going to do, be mean to me? Big deal, I’d have to care for that to matter. So if I care, I at least want to pay attention to them and listen to what they have to say and try to understand where they’re coming from even if I don’t fully grok it. It’s the effort, I guess -- I put effort in. As a pretty apathetic person, that means a lot coming from me, even if other people see it as unremarkable. I feel cared about when people pay attention to me and remember things I’ve said and respect my boundaries and appreciate my creations and encourage me and stuff. 

17. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? >> I don’t remember. I was probably indifferent emotion-wise, but like... idk, if I say “congratulations” then I at least want you to feel good about whatever it is you did or got. I don’t have to feel anything for that to be true.

18. Are you typically happy for other peoples’ successes? Was there ever a time you just couldn’t bring yourself to be, no matter what? >> I’m typically emotionally indifferent to other people’s successes, but I still want them to succeed. Like, I wouldn’t discourage them or downplay their success, I’m just not going to jump around the room or whatever-the-fuck. It’s okay, I don’t expect anyone to do it to me, either (unless they want to, obviously). And yeah, there are plenty of times when envy or dislike or whatever prevented me from even going through the motions of happiness on their behalf. It be’s like that sometimes.

19. What was the last milestone you reached in your life (graduating, buying a car, starting a family, etc)? What milestone are you going for next, if any? >> The last milestone of that nature I reached was co-signing the lease for this apartment, I guess? I don’t know. What even is a milestone. I want my next milestone to be moving out of this place, tbh. But I think the next one is probably marriage, unless we really do move in March when our lease is up again.

20. Do you feel as though you’ve lived your life according to what society typically expects, or is your life more unconventional? >> No, my life has been quite unconventional. This is the most conventional it’s been since the beginning, and that’s why I’m often so weird about it. Sometimes, to a wild thing, safety can feel like a cage. It’s a brain glitch, don’t mind it.

21. Do you enjoy getting comments or messages? How likely are you to leave comments or messages for other people? >> Sure, I like to socialise. I don’t know how likely I am to do it -- just whenever the desire strikes, I guess. I don’t think too hard about it.

22. How would you describe your handwriting? Is it what comes naturally, or have you ever purposely worked to improve or stylize your handwriting in a particular way? Do you know anyone who has particularly interesting or unusual handwriting? >> My handwriting used to be damn good, especially seeing as I was raised by someone with impeccable handwriting and calligraphy skills, but it’s degraded as I started to buy my own computers and shit. Now I’m almost exclusively a typer, and I haven’t written anything by hand that wasn’t an address on an envelope or a short form for some government thing in a long time. But my handwriting is still better than Sparrow’s, lmao, so she always has me write things out. I could always get better at it again, because it’s not difficult; I just have to care enough. I’m still considering it.

23. When are you most likely to scream (either out of fright, anger, or whatever)? Do you scream or yell often? When was the last time someone screamed at you (or in your presence)? >> I don’t scream, really. I don’t even like yelling, I just... I have one of those voices, lmao -- it’s quiet usually, but when I get passionate or upset about something, it really projects. I’d probably be great on a stage. The last time I recall being screamed at was over the holidays, at the Wayland house. Not an event I really feel like rehashing, either.

24. Do you ever ignore other people? How do you tend to react to being ignored by someone? >> Sure, I've done that. Just not frequently. I usually ignore people when they’re either trying to piss me off (like a troll on tumblr) or trying to manipulate me into responding by being antagonistic. I can’t remember the last time I was legitimately ignored by someone, so I don’t know how I’d react. I’d probably just go on about my business, like... what’s the point of doing anything else, really? Maybe whine to Can Calah about it, or something.

25. When was the last time you felt like your feelings werent being respected? Do you think you do a good job of respecting the feelings of others? >> The last time I felt like that was when I was trying to set boundaries for myself in my last relationship, and it felt like I shouldn’t even want what I wanted (listen, don’t ask, by now I don’t even remember why it felt that way), but like, that’s ancient history now. (I mean, it is to me, anyway. The only reason I thought about it now is because it’s the answer to the question, but other than now I haven’t thought about it any time recently.) I don’t know if I do a good job of respecting the feelings of others; I just do my best and hope it’s good enough. Isn’t that all any of us do?

26. If you have a pet, what is one personality quirk that they have? If you don’t have pets, was there ever a time when you had one or wanted one? >> I’ve had pets briefly, but really, I don’t... even want one at this point. They’re more trouble than I have patience for.

27. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? >> I don’t know what my strongest or weakest emotion is. I’m really not emotionally connected, in case that isn’t already clear, lmao.

28. When was the last time you were up to see the sunrise? Do you tend to pay attention to things like that (sunrises, sunsets, rainstorms, etc) or do you not really care about that sort of thing? >> I was awake at the time of sunrise this morning, but I wasn’t watching it or anything. I do pay attention to the weather, but I won’t necessarily drop what I’m already doing to pay attention to it. Unless it’s a thunderstorm. I love those.

29. What was the last thing you bought for someone else? What about the last thing someone bought for you? And the last thing you bought yourself? >> The last thing I bought for someone else was... I think a book for Rez’s birthday? That was months ago, but I don’t think I’ve bought anything else? Unless it was something for Sparrow, but like, we live in the same household, we just kinda spend our money that way by default. The last thing someone bought for me (that wasn’t Sparrow) was the mindfulness book that Hallie bought me last month. The last thing I bought myself was a Gatorade (lmao not a hot one! a blue FROSTI BOI) and a pack of bubble gum.

30. How do you feel about the day you’ve been having so far? Or if it’s just started, what kinds of things do you plan to do today? >> My day was all right. A good old Saturday.

[askbensolo]

Okay: advice. First, realize that it probably really hurts not to be liked back, and alloromantic people generally can't just stop crushing on someone at will. That said, you obviously don't have any obligation to reciprocate, but do try to treat her feelings with respect. Also... don't belittle her crush and act like she shouldn't care about your rejection. Just because you wouldn't be hurt by a rejection doesn't mean others wouldn't. I shouldn't assume you'd do that, but you are kind of blunt.

“Blunt?” I’m honest!

But…I guess you’re right. Mom has been telling me I’ve beengetting on her nerves with the way I rail against romance. She says it’sunnecessary the way I react, and it makes people feel bad for something that’sas natural to them as not liking people is natural to me. She says it’s okayfor me to feel the way I do, and it’s even okay for me to express myopinions…but I’m overstepping myself when I start acting as if others need toalter themselves just to make me feel comfortable.

I only do it because I know that no one else feels the way I do.I guess I just feel a need to make my perspective heard.

Anyway…I’ve been thinking a lot these past few days. Luckily,Fan has been too busy to talk to me—if I had spoken to her earlier, I almostcertainly would have flown off the handle. I guess I’m just wondering what thismeans for our friendship. Can we still be friends if she likes me, and I don’tlike her back? She means a lot to me, and she’s helped me through a lot of myrough spots, and I really don’t want to lose her.

I’ve been super nervous about all of this, especially becauseshe and I haven’t been talking lately—it feels like we haven’t spoken in ages. But she messaged me last night andasked if we could talk the next time I come over. She said she had somethingkind of important to talk about, and she wants to do it privately. Her tonesounded sort of serious.

In other words: stuff is gonna happen pretty soon. I think she’s gonna try to...well. You know. Ask.

...Okay, this stays between you and me (rhetorically speaking,since this is the HoloNet), but I’ll be honest. If I was ever to try datingsomeone—like, just to try it, you know, to see if it’s really as awful and squishyas it sounds—I’d want it to be Fan. Mom always says she and Dad are a team. I’mnot a huge fan of all the mushy-gushy, but I can get behind the “team” thing.

What I’m saying is...oh, I don’t know...what I’m trying to say is that...is that if I had to—like, if I absolutely had to, if I was threatened with the termination of our friendship, I would consider going out withher just to make her happy. Which, of course, is full of problems because:

even I know thatdating someone just to make them happy is a terrible idea

Fannie wants to get married and have kids, but I don’t want toget married and have kids

my idea of dating is just continuing to be friends but holding eachother’s hands sometimes and saying "I really appreciate you” occasionally, and she probably wants something more than that

I’m a terrible person with terrible habits and emotional scars and I just don’t think I’m a good match for her (or anyone, really)

But, hey. Out of all the people in the galaxy who I’m not attracted to, Fannie is the one person I’d be most likely to pretend to be attracted to to make her happy. That’s...something. I guess. Though I’m not suggesting that I would really do that, because that would be lying.

...Although, lying might be easier than having to find a way to gently reject her.

...And maybe being her boyfriend would make her like me more and be less likely to abandon me. I have a fear of being abandoned.

...And I wouldn’t have to worry about kissing or anything, because Fan has this whole thing about chastity. Who knows, maybe it wouldn’t really be that different from regular friendship at all.

But...it also makes zero sense to date someone I don’t have feelings for. And if I said yes, we’d probably both end up getting hurt.

Ugh, I’m losing my mind. Can you tell I’ve thought about this a lot?