#and i just hate how toxic and negative our fandom has gotten over the years

[bogirltalk]

This isn't necessarily related to the topics on this blog, so I apologize, but I came across this video today and I think it's so relevant and useful that I can't not share. The topic is "de-centering." The part that stuck out to me the most in particular is when she says the following:

"Hate and love are a type of care - extreme care. If you are extremely emotionally invested in the perception of others or how you perceive another group... (there's some nuance, but-) I would say get more towards neutral than negative. Because it's easier to steer your own ship when you're at the helm, and it's not hatred in your sails pushing you in one direction."

What is being discussed here reminds me of the quote that says, "The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference." And a comment I read online recently, "There is a thin line between love and hate - both of which take energy, time, effort, and ultimately means you care a lot about someone/something."

Although the examples used in this video and the context the topic is being discussed in isn't necessarily the same as what I'm speaking about here, I still think it applies. This is very apt for online spaces in general, but since we here are Bad Omens fans I would like to relate this to how a lot of Bad Omens fandom spaces online are currently. And of course that's not to say that all fandom spaces (or even all fans individually) are like this, I'm just speaking in generalizations here.

I see a lot of vitriol against certain people surrounding Bad Omens and the people within the fandom. People making entire accounts just to spread hate about someone, going out of their way to leave nasty comments expressing how much they "hate" someone, and even encouraging others to do the same, etc.

All of this ultimately reflects back on the band and our fandom. Can people not see how the way a lot of people in our fandom are conducting themselves is directly impacting the way the band engages with us as fans? It's cyclical: fans spread negativity/hate > band draws back or reacts in a way some fans don't like because of the hate > fans complain > repeat.

The best thing you can do is block and ignore. Time and attention is currency. Remember that you choosing to actively "hate" someone is you giving them power over you.

Sometimes you can hate something so much that you end up promoting and supporting it.

Foster what will help us and the band grow, and put energy into what will positively affect us. You give life to what you give energy to.

*Note: Please remember there is nuance to everything - life is very rarely black or white. I think it goes without saying I am not applying this logic to things like abuse, oppression, bigotry, etc. Remember: nuance.

[mazzystar24]

idk who else to go to with this but i have so many people sending me hate because i don’t like bucktommy when i literally never even post about them????? they keep calling me toxic and a hater and i’m not i just have shipped buddie for years and i don’t vibe with tommy…. it makes me sad because this fandom used to bond over buddie so much but now i just see angry tommy fans (and admittedly some buddie fans but nowhere near as many) spreading so much hatred and rudeness while turning around and calling buddie fans toxic when we just want to ship our 6 year long standing ship… and like i said i genuinely never post about bucktommy, and if i do say something about them that can be perceived as negative then i always tag it “anti-bucktommy” and i NEVER tag it bucktommy so that they don’t have to even see it! It hurts to open up the app not knowing if i’m going to have another person calling me homophobic or a fetishizer (i’m literally queer) or calling me a toxic bitch when i literally don’t do anything but post happy buddie content 9/10 posts! and like i said i know i’ve seen some buddie accounts go to extremes and i’m not defending that, but i’ve seen people who will call out even the slightest apprehension to bucktommy as if they stepped on someone’s grave, while simultaneously bullying and harassing buddie shippers for minding their own business… like i can’t even go into the buddie tag and it’s people attacking us left and right while the bucktommy tag is nothing but everyone gushing over them… i hate that we can’t enjoy a 6 year old ship anymore because half the fandom decided to jump to this other one that has barely gotten any screentime between two characters that don’t really have chemistry with each other and they want to berate us for it and call us names. I’m not a fetishizer and I’m not toxic, I’m just a late 20s queer girl who wants to talk about buddie without a barrage of hate and insults thrown at me but I can’t do that anymore… 9-1-1/buddie used to be my safe place but now i can’t even come on tumblr because i’m worried a stan will be lurking in my asks/replies waiting to tell me how awful i am.

i’m sorry to dump all of that on you but i just opened a really nasty ask and it hurt a lot to read what they said about me and you were the first person on my dash

Hey anon!

Okay so I can already guess I’ll be late posting this cos i think I’ll be replying to this in increments throughout my day today, and also I can tell this is really bothering you so I don’t wanna just give like a short rushed answer - oh wow I actually wrote this in one sitting cos I can’t shut up once I start

Yes the fandom has been a downright mess lately and it’s like I always say, people if you wanna engage in discourse that’s your prerogative and no one is faulting you for that but it’s the utter lack of fandom etiquette these toxic fans have that’s the real issue and I also feel like as you said a huge issue is this kind of imaginary high horse they seem to have

Like I totally agree that there is like this section of toxic bucktommy fans who try to warp not liking bucktommy into being biphobic- which look if people are actually being biphobic by all means call them out but when you’re going to actual queer people who posted 166283894 posts celebrating bi buck, only to attack them for not liking the ship?? Then that’s just plain stupid I’m sorry, like being happy to have the queer rep and not liking bucktommy isn’t mutually exclusive and it’s ridiculous people are trying to make it out to be

Like I’ve personally been sent an ask like that where they implied that I was biphobic for not being a big fan of bucktommy and that “I don’t know how exhausting it is for bi people” - which I gotta say made me go what about my blog would ever make someone think ah yes straight 🤩

And thing is at the time they sent that my most note filled post was my celebration reaction meme extravaganza to getting bi buck which I feel added some fun irony to the whole thing

And calling people shipping two MEN (buddie) homophobic takes a special kind of cognitive dissonance that I gotta say I’d almost be impressed with the leaps in logic if it wasn’t so annoying

Now I personally don’t know what state the bucktommy tag is in cos I mostly stick to the 911 abc and the buddie tag but I know how the buddie tag has been and I agree the misuse of tags to make a negative space is absolutely ridiculous and again that all goes back to the etiquette part

And the fetishising thing is also just another thing that absolutely grates my nerves, because these toxic fans really need a dictionary thrown at their heads because buddie is like the polar opposite of that.

First of all a large section of buddie shippers im aware have asexual Eddie headcanons and that aside let’s say we want gay Eddie and buddie and all those things, let’s even say we want them to fuck nasty *gasp🫢* and sloppy and write 156273 smut fics where they plain fuck like rabbits (*nun faints in the background* also probably some pearl clutching occurred upon reading this),

THAT’S NOT THE POINT HERE- the point is the main appeal of buddie as a ship isn’t that ooo look two hot guys kissing; it’s the history it’s the friendship, it’s the vulnerability, it’s the will scene, the shooting, the trust, the parallels, the understanding of each other, it’s the domesticity and it’s all these moments that have nothing to do with sex or objectifying their dynamic or mlm relationships but rather shipping them because they are two people with this amazing connection and these experiences

and THAT? That’s the furthest thing from fetishisation

Now I could be controversial and talk about how SOME and some is the operative word of this sentence- SOME toxic bucktommy fans have been blatant in not really caring about the story or the characters or buck and Tommy as individuals or the team dynamic or anything other than seeing these two men kiss, these being a lot of the same fans who refuse to watch the show other than the bucktommy and Tommy scenes and then will act like they somehow understand the show more than fans who’ve been here years or seen the whole show BUT I digress because I know that saying this is me basically asking for spam hate (so shhhh let’s pretend I didn’t say that 🤫)

who said that? 👀not me👀damn that’s crazy a ghost just ran across my keyboard 🙄

Anyways back to you specifically, because I really do think it bares mentioning, if you’ve been respectful to others then that’s all you can do and thank you on the behalf of everyone cos it really makes a difference, and I wanna say sorry on the behalf of every asshole who’s deciding to attack you for ridiculous reasons, the best advice I can give you is to genuinely not let it get to you I know it’s easier said than done but you know who you are and you know your intentions and some dumbass sitting behind a screen who can’t even properly comprehend what biphobia or fetishisation actually is (or worse DOES know what it is but is just using it as a way to put others down over a tv show to have an imaginary high ground) isn’t worth your time or your distress and they cannot change who you are

This part might be over explaining the obvious but in case you don’t know/ are new to tumblr or whatever: If you wanna continue to have fandom spaces as a safe place filtering should get rid of a lot of the posts and so should blocking but ofc you’ll see a few so just skip past and enjoy the content you like, if you wanna make posts and are scared of asks from toxic shippers maybe you can turn off your asks temporarily until you feel like you’re in a better place mentally to deal with it

Oooo or an idea that might work is you can ask your followers and mutuals (who are the ones most likely to be sending the nice asks) to use an emoji at the start of their asks to indicate to you that this is an ask you’ll like then you can delete any ask without that emoji without even having to look at the hate if it’s causing you that anxiety - if that makes sense?

I hope my reply somehow made you feel better and I really hope that you can have your fandom space and enjoyment back 🫶🫶🫶🫶

[rainbowsky]

GQ and XZ have bad history??? They boycotted him why??

Hi Anon,

This is a fandom - mostly 🍤 - conspiracy theory that doesn't hold a lot of weight. I'm not going to get into the weeds on it except to say that a lot of the claims are false or misrepresented, especially the ones about Rocco Liu.

The post that is said to have come from Rocco is one from 2019 where he allegedly says he's getting sick of seeing GG's face everywhere and basically rolls his eyes and says stars like that are here today, gone tomorrow. (However, the account/post no longer exists, so it's impossible to verify whether it was real, whether it was him or not, etc.)

And the post itself is pretty harmless. Yeah, it's speaking negatively about GG, but it's the sort of thing people say online about celebrities every single day.

There are 2 or 3 other posts that are claimed to be from Rocco, but which fans are actually mistaking. They appear to have come from the previous editor-in-chief, and mostly swirled around 2/27. And the whole 'boycott' claim is just totally unsubstantiated.

(Edit: More on this later in the post)

2/27 didn't bring out the best in a lot of people, and it was horrible for GG but I think it's best to look at it rationally and have a sense of perspective. Every day every one of us casually says terrible things about one celebrity or another. Especially when we are hearing horrible things about a person and their influence on culture.

For example, I absolutely can't stand Lady Gaga. While some of her songs are OK, I mostly find her fake and hugely overrated. Which as a gay man is practically a crime in most people's eyes. 😅

Sometimes we go on to revise our opinions and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we grow to respect a star more over time, other times we grow to gradually dislike them more.

What's at the forefront of our minds one week will be forgotten the next. Most of those who we've had a negative opinion of in the past we probably couldn't name even a few months later. This is just how culture works, especially in the age of the internet.

All of this is totally normal. One of the prices of fame is being under the scrutiny of millions of people. Some will love you, some will be indifferent, and some will hate you.

I doubt very much GG carries a grudge about a social media post from 4 years ago (an eternity in the entertainment business), whether it was from Rocco or not. DD certainly doesn't seem to. They've heard infinitely worse and moved on from it. Fans should too.

I think if we are going to have such ruthless purity tests about everyone who has ever said anything negative about GG and DD then we would have to also accept people holding every single thing GG and DD have said/done in the past against them, no matter how many years ago it happened.

As fans, I'm not sure that's a path we should want to go down. Both GG and DD have come under fire for things they said/did when they were younger, and antis love to dig through old posts and clips of them trying to find evidence they're horrible people.

Like I said before, this is mostly a solo theory that toxic solos like to obsess over. They make it their mission to viciously slander and attack anyone who they feel is a threat to GG, or so much as says anything less than totally fawning about him. They've actually gotten GG into hot water over that kind of behavior multiple times in the past, and I doubt they'll ever stop.

Keep in mind that it's in their interests to spin narratives of DD getting cozy with 'a sworn enemy' of GG. So these breathless tales of GQ and Rocco Liu being GG antis have an ulterior motive. They're a (very thinly) veiled attack on DD and on BXG.

EDIT: and I should add that this anti theory is also used by DD solos to attack GG, claiming that GQ hate GG because of all of the various shortcomings DD solos think GG has, and that the hatred is totally justified, etc. They use the fact that DD has had some high profile GQ moments as proof that DD is a bigger star, that he's more in demand, blah blah blah. It's same shit, different pile. Antis are antis, and will say anything to try to malign and destroy others, regardless of how false and horrible it is.

The best thing we can do is block and ignore (and report when appropriate). Swimming in toxic waste will mutate you into a toxic person over time. Save yourself, stay in your own lane and just enjoy GG and DD.

Edit: Because fans are continuing to push this conspiracy theory, I dug back into the topic and wrote about it more here.

[acourtofthought]

Yeah I think I need a break from anything Sjm related, especially acotar. Ever since acosf came out this fandom has become very draining.

Hopefully, I get the strenght to leave this fandom and move on from Sjm books entirely. Tricky, since I fell completely in love with some of her ships and characters but I don't like the route she takes and I honestly doupt Gwynriel and Elucien's books will be great, even though they have so much potential. Nessian had great potential too, but you saw what Sjm did with them.

Even though I've met great people here, there are also too many loud stans who scream under every comment section and post nasty tweets about others and fictional characters because they can't stand the fact that not everything and everyone will go their way. Very annoying.

My mental health has gone so bad (so much is going on in my life) I I feel a different kind of rage whenever I see an El/riel art simply because some nasty El/riels really don't deserve to have those artworks. I actually didn't have anything against El/riel but it's stans had managed to make me hate it in a total of 2 years. Also Sjm picked the worst year to release Acosf and then immediatly piss off because 2021 was when my mental health started to sink so low. Not only did I start having ship preferences but thanks to acosf I started hating some characters like Rhys, which is a struggle now because I can't read any sjm books without getting pissed whenever he shows up and I don't like it. I miss the days when I was just a casual reader enjoying my free time.

It's absolutely draining to have to defend your ship, characters and even yourself and also to calm down whenever seeing any El/riel content. I think I really need to move on from Elucien and Gwynriel first before I can truly let go of anything sjm related. I'm at least grateful and proud that I never had and would never engage in any kind of toxic behaviour. I also don't like the author and what she does with her books.. based on the interviews, livestreams, what she's written and the rumours I hear, she sounds like a mean person. Idk how I can explain it but yeah..

I'm so sorry that you've been overwhelmed with your mental health struggles but I give you credit for recognizing things that are triggering for you. And as sad as I am to see fellow Elucien / Gwynriels leave the fandom, I think it's very smart that you are prioritizing your health and well being over all else. The fandom can be entertaining and it can be enjoyable to chat back and forth about a series that's sucked us all in but, it's not real life. It's not what's going to matter when we're hopefully old and gray and surrounded by our grandchildren. At certain points we've probably gotten more invested in what happens to these characters than the author herself (considering how much time we put into thinking about them 😂) and I do think it's important to check ourselves and remember they really don't and never will exist. What is real, however, is the way you feel every day and how your feelings than translate over into your relationships with friends and family. And if ANYTHING feels like it's becoming a negative influence on that or even yourself, it is time to walk away. And maybe, when SJM releases the next book, we'll all have answers that will make the fandom a little more approachable and less toxic. We won't have to spend our time arguing what will be and can instead simply discuss what now is. I'm sending you a lot of love and positive thoughts, hoping that you find the strength to leave (if that's what is best for you) and that it gives you the peace you've been missing as of late ❤️

[wolfwrenbrainrot]

Woah, this person expressed it so well, much better than I did tbh. I a hundred percent agree that being in a fandom should be about having fun, not jumping at each others throaths. Obviously, I’ve been a Star Wars fan for a long time, ever since I was a little girl, and toxicity has always been a part of it, unfortunately. I’d like to point out that if I was mean at the end, it was only directed at sabezras who have been acting all morally superior and hating on wolfwren, not their shippers as a whole.

I feel it’s important to clarify that because, yes, I see their dynamic as platonic, very sibling-like (I’m not calling it an “incestuous” ship, though, ‘cause it isn’t, not really). When I first watched Rebels, at the beggining I did think they would become a couple since Ezra had a crush on Sabine. However, as the show went on and they grew closer, to me it went away and, judging by what we’ve seen so far, I believe Filoni is going in this direction as well. My point is, if I’m right about this, it won’t be because of Wolfwren. It will be because the writers decided it made more sense for the characters. Wolfwren is not a “menace” to Sabezra and if y’all think it is, you need a reality check. There’s no way a sapphic ship will be prioritized over a straight one. That’s just not how Disney+ works. Especially not when the showrunner, as progressive as Dave must be in some areas, is neither a woman or sapphic. 

Wolfwren is the first ship that I’ve gotten a bit more invested than usual in the last few years and I’m excited to see all the great fan work being made. As a college student in my early twenties who’s been dealing with the good and the bad aspects of being independent for the first time in life, Star Wars as a whole is a escape from reality. This franchise is where I find comfort and I’m sure this is true for people of all ages in this fandom. So, I hope all of my wolfwren girlies can enjoy being in our delulu era without letting it be ruined by negativity. That being said, I hope saberzas do the same. 

As for wolfwren being toxic… yeah, no kidding lmao. I, too, had my phase of being outraged that people shipped something that wasn’t the best example of what a relationship should be like. In the sequels era, I was ferousciouly anti Reylo. I was a hypocrite then, ‘cause at the same time I was obsessed with Catradora (if you know, you know), but I do understand it feeling like it is “dangerous” to encourage a ship that envolves physicall violence, fighting and trying to kill each other. I won’t deny fiction do have an impact in how we perceive ourselves and our lives (especially when we’re younger), but I believe it applies more to scenarios closer to the real world, not so much to a non-canon ship consisting of two pretty women in opposite sides of a war who I happen to think stare at each other in a gay way while dueling with lightsabers. Star Wars have a lot of deep stuff, but it shoudn’t be taken as moral guide. In this universe, Anakin Skywalker can commit genocide, and still be a beloved character by most of the fandom (me included). In this universe, Kallus and Zeb ended up being good friends (and, depending on who you ask, lovers). So, honestly, I think it’s unfair to act like shipping wolfwren is some kind of sin. It’s just a bunch of sapphics having fun, enjoying their tension and dynamic. Besides, as I stated previously, I’m not even sure I want them to be canon, because an enemies to lovers ship needes development, execution. It’s all about the journey, tha change. And I don’t know if I want Shin to be redeemed. I don’t her backstory yet and, as we’ve seen with Maul, a sad life trajectory doesn’t necessarily mean redemption or getting a happy ending. I’m here for the ride. Maybe she’ll end up being the evilest evil bitch out there and I’ll love every second of it, just like I love seeing Vader, Thrawn, Maul and many others on screen. But maybe, she’ll have a proper redemption arc and after that, wolfwren will become an actual possibility. ‘Cause in fanfiction I can read the most deranged dynamic ever, but I don’t necessarily want that for Sabine in canon because it would require her to go against what she believes and become a villain or a morally dubious character and I don’t it for her. Either way, it won’t happen this season. It’s harmless fun, and if I want pretend that those two chaotic padawans are making out in that damn ship you can bet I will 'cause it makes me happy. That's all I have left to say about it.

this whole argument is pointless 'cause most wolfwrens i see are aware that shin and sabine won't REALLY get together by the end of this season (and, dare i say, ever). and speaking solely for myself, I don't even WANT them to. I'd be happy if they pulled a kalluzeb (enemies to reluctant allies to friends), but I'm not getting my hopes up for that either. I know this franchise, I've been a fan of it since I was a little kid, and now I'm an adult who knows Lucasfilm won't give us sapphics anything better than valcinta on andor (and don't get me wrong, I loved them, but they aren't the protagonists of that story, while sabine is one of the main characters of this one). still, we'll keep consuming and producing content where shin and sabine are a physically/romantically involved.

oh, and for the sabezras out there who want to be assholes, I can be wrong, but I'm almost sure your "precious, healthy and pure" ship won't happen either. and it won't be because a bunch of sapphics online decided to ship sabine with shin hati.

[madamtrashbat]

A couple of thoughts

We doin' okay, Cats family? We're good? Good. I have one last thing to add.

This is kinda about pro- and anti-shippers, but it's really more about fandom culture in general and just my experiences. You can read it, if you want, or not.

Up to you.

I've been doin' this for a while. A good fifteen years at least, closer probably to sixteen. I've been doing things in fandom for longer than some of my mutuals have been alive.

(Oh Jesus)

And there's something I gotta tell you guys, both as a person who has been doing fandom-y stuff for years and for someone who literally has college degrees in English Literature and Creative Writing.

Being an anti is not normal.

And I know that comes across as harsh and mean and it sounds unreasonable but I'd like to explain what I mean by that.

I can trace back being an anti to two main sources: Voltron and Star Wars. I was never into Voltron or really even around anyone who was but I remember the screaming and fighting over the ships, and I remember the hellish crusade that began when people dared to ship Rey and Kylo Ren together. It was nasty, guys. It was absolutely insane that suddenly people were doing this over fictional ships, that people were being sent actual abuse and hatred because someone wanted the broody shitlord man and the unwashed desert scrounger to smooch. Like... imagine that in real time.

I was not, nor have I ever been, a Reylo shipper, but you know what I did, when that ship began, and I didn't like it? I ignored it and went about my day. Because that's how I was taught. Nothing in the fiction world was worth fighting over. It was not worth getting into arguments over. What was the point?

Then the antis got bolder, started branching out, and when people like me started standing up and saying, "Hey, stop being a dick to people!" someone hired the world's best PR machine and suddenly people who were not antis were pedophiles and abusive and incestuous.

How's that for some whiplash.

This anti movement of berating, bullying, harming, and threatening has been their MO, and it's dangerous. And now, they all buy their own bullshit. They actually think people like me are all out here twisting our mustaches like Snidely Whiplash and diddling kids. Without a shred of irony, they believe this.

Proship only labeled itself that as a response to the antiship, and antiship, make no mistake, named itself first. It was not anti-pedophile. It was not anti-incest. It was not anti-abuse.

It was all about disliking fictional ships that other people enjoyed, and thus attacking people over it.

And it's pointless. It's driven a child to suicide. It has gotten people fired. It has ruined careers, livelihoods, friendships. For nothing. For a boogeyman that doesn't exist.

Sex experts across the board all agree that what gives us our jollies is not at all what we want in real life. There's some wild statistic like 70% of women have had a sexual fantasy about rape at least once in their lives. About rape! That act that most AFAB people have a deep ingrained fear of! And we've used it to get off! Because sexual fantasy isn't that deep. Our brains are idiots. And since time immemorial, we as humans have written just the most fucked up shit.

It's even in the Bible. Humans have been nasty forever. And it doesn't mean shit.

It's in the TV shows. It's in our movies. It's in our books. It's in our music, our podcasts, everything. Being an anti is not the way of humanity at all. Ever. Except for like... maybe the puritans but they sucked so who cares about them.

Antis believe a lie. They believe a lie and they hurt people for it. I am not in any way, shape, or form exaggerating when I say I am fearful for those who regularly interact with me, because I am worried that one day the art they make or the "clout" they carry isn't going to be enough to save them from their friendship with me and antis will tear them to shreds. Because that is how they behave. They may not think they're bullies, and they may think they're in the right, but I want you to look up the Youtube RPF kid who killed themselves over anti harassment. Look at that horrible ask I just got. This is how they behave.

And that is what proshippers stand against. It's a stance against bullying, harassment, threats. That is it. There are plenty of proshippers out in the world that would never, ever think of writing anything involving someone underage, or between relatives, or involving anything gruesome. Because that's not what it's about.

Antis are new in the world of fandom, and they are the absolute root of toxicity. I do not exaggerate. They waste the time of agencies actually trying to eradicate CSAM by sending them art someone drew of a teenage character that isn't real. They've driven people to suicide. They've outright admitted to not caring about actual humans as much as they care about fictional ships. They have shown time and time again that they are not above abuse, vitriol, and bullying. There are blogs that post stories from ex-antis who say they were afraid to say anything different than their anti friends for fear of righteous backlash.

I repeat: I am legitimately afraid that my friends are going to get dogpiled and harassed because they dare to be my friend. That fear is not baseless. And it's all because of the way antis act.

I am liberal with the block button. I try to maintain boundaries because I don't want to see any of that shit as much as they don't want to see any of mine (though only a very scant few actually block me back, which is a joke in and of itself). But it still slips through. And I hate it, every time I see it.

Because this is not the way we're supposed to be. We are not supposed to be at odds with each other. We are supposed to share and have fun and be joyful about some people in lycra.

But because some people wanted to put on the pilgrim hat and play Morality Council to someone who's been doing this for years, I gotta tiptoe around people that think I'm actually out in the world diddling children. Do you know how fucked up that is. Do you know how that feels? To not only have someone make that judgment without any evidence, but to tell it to other people who don't know me either?

When someone finally snaps and starts biting back, it's not out of nowhere. And antis never, ever see themselves as doing something wrong. But they are. They are wrong.

Can I let you in on a little secret?

Seriously, just between you and me, come here.

If you think it's wrong to bully someone because of fiction, then you're proship. That is the long and short of it. No more or less. I hate to break it to you, but that is the only definition, and anyone who says it's something else is lying to you for their own gain.

And sure, there are lots of people who try to hide behind the proship label as they do shitty things. But antis do the same. Humans being assholes and trying to blame it on something else is not new.

The fact that people have come to me and told me that the antis have made them feel uncomfortable, that they're afraid if they do something they might view as negative they might receive hate, that people are actually AFRAID of people in this fandom, is not okay.

There was a fandom I was involved in where one of the prominent people actively hated me and I was never afraid of what she would do. I am afraid of the antis in this fandom, though. Because they have teeth and they like to use them.

Fandom isn't supposed to be like this. Nobody should be screaming at teenagers for talking to adults in fandom, infantilizing them like they're not a whole autonomous human. Nobody should be telling someone to kill themselves because they ship Tuggerstrap. Nobody should be afraid of the other people in their fandom.

Antis, if any of them even read this (I doubt it, but just in case), I want you to look around. The people who are neutral are not afraid of what the proshippers will say to them. They are afraid of you. You and your ilk are the ones causing the damage, and you are the outliers in the entire world of fiction. You're a loud minority that thinks it knows better when it knows absolutely nothing.

Ruminate on that.

My blog is still a safe space from bullying, abuse, and nastiness. If someone is being mean to you, you will always find a friend here. And if you can't say the same, then what's wrong with you?

Be excellent to each other. Stop making people afraid.

And sit down and ask yourself what it is you really want when you make vague posts about people and tell people vicious, awful things. What are you hoping to gain.

[antiloreolympus]

8 Anti LO Asks

1. as a mythology buff, i honestly think it was really weird of rachel smythe to take Hecate, a goddess who helped Demeter search for Persephone after she vanished and heard her screams and shared in Persephone and Demeter's joy after reuniting... and then just make her into Hades's like... total bro who plays aggressive matchmaker to h/p to the point of trying to break up Hades's current relationship. but honsestly i refuse to believe rachel smythe did literally any research before making this comic judging by how she depicts the mythology she's taking inspiration from so honestly im not suprised

2. I don’t know if anyone on here has discussed this, but LO very much plays into the idea of “good victim vs bad victim”.

A “good victim” has suffered many things, but despite it they still remain cheerful and happy and pleasant, they do not put others out or lash out at them even if they are triggered, they do not become petty or angry or hold onto negative emotions. They, in essence, “get over it”. Thus, the narrative rewards them: they get many friends, a love internet they’re happy with, and a happy ending. This is what Persephone is. She’s the “good victim”. Despite her many hardships, we know she will not suffer in the end. She will get everything she wants and more. 

Then there is Minthe, the “bad victim”. They too have gone through many hardships, but they’ve become cold, angry at the world, they lash out and have trouble opening up and connecting to others, they even hurt others, themselves victims to the toxic pain they can’t get rid it. They do not and have not “gotten over it”.  Thus, the narrative punishes them, even when they try to better themselves. It’s never good enough. These characters often are lonely, the cast are large do not like them if not outright hate them, and they more often than not end up dead. This is what Minthe is. She is not a pleasant person, she’s a victim of a manipulative older man and a cruel, unjust society and system, and we know how her story ends. It’s in pain, her maiming/possible death framed as a joke and not even a genuine hint of sympathy towards her fate. She was a “bad victim”, she “deserved” what she got.

Now, you only often see this in fandom, since the actual works that deal with victims of trauma and how they react will often try to give more nuance to every shade of victim they may have on cast, but it’s very disturbing to me that Rachel seems to eagerly play into this idea, like she gets joy out of punishing a victim she created and watching them suffer even more at her hands. It’d be one thing if she kept Minthe a shallow, one dimensional character who was just evil for the sake of it, fine, but her showing us her actual complex nature and the very real struggles, trauma, and manipulation she went through, especially at the hands of our supposed “heroes” of the story, just to have her demise framed as a win for Persephone and a joke for the audience to laugh at? That’s highly disturbing to me. It’s one thing for fans to act that way, but the writer themselves? It’s very dark, to say the least. 

3. "I'm invested in working with fairy tales and folklore for my next project" oh no no no oh god please no. Fairy tales have been through enough hot takes and modern "betterments", they really don't need Rachel "Apollo is bad, actually" Smythe to add to it

4. Quick question

Greek Mythology is mostly incest.

So what if someone who is actually good at writing and storytelling and consistent artwork

Kept it in

For example Zeus and  Hera arguing like the married couple they are

And Hera uses older sibling card

With Zeus dumbfounded face

I don't know why but I want it but would it be weird since it's incest

Most fanfics always keep it out. Just keep it in if you want it to be closer than the actual methods you know

Hera is youngest daughter of Cronus and Rhea and older than her brother Zeus, who was also her husband.

I want to do it but like I have no clue how to start a webtoon so you know💀

5. Oh god, Hades not needing therapy because Persephone's "love" is enough? To quote my lord and savior Kennie JD: "not the p*$$¥ being therapy!"

6. uuuuuh sexual trauma warning.?

So I was writing a comment on the "Re: bpd" ask and i had a realization about persephone

She reminds me of how I was about the idea of sex

I'm demisexual and have sexual trauma and the idea of sex excited me but I wasn't able to like, do it. Me and my partner would mess around but because Mctrauma i couldn't do it cuz I hadn't exactly worked through my trauma and i wanted to get through that because i was finally experiencing sexual attraction.

Kinda reminds me of Persephone. The problem is at that point it had been 6-7 years since my trauma occurred and persephone's happened like last month.

Considering how everyone talks about persephone being a self insert i think Rachel has some things to work through

Also made the realization literally as im typing that Rachel's attitude towards asexuality could be because she's demi and doesn't fully understand what that is or means

becuase if you're ignorant enough you can 100% end up describing demisexuality as "being asexual and then like, slowly turning gay."

this ask weirdly personal so fuck it this is gonna be anonymous feel free to delete if it makes u uncomfy 

7. That’s also a part about Hubris Rachel clearly doesn’t get: it was always committed by rich, often people in high authority, NEVER lowly farmers or the poorest of ancient society. They always knew better. Niobe was a queen! Minos was a king! Arachne was the rich, spoiled daughter of a really successful merchant. Sisyphus was a cunning king. The trojan war was kicked off by royal drama. The list goes on and on. You have to notice these things and genuinely study the myths or you become like Rachel, who seems convinced the poorest people would be stupid enough to not only defy their bosses, but the gods themselves? They would be the last people to do such a thing! They don’t have the ingrained sense of entitlement and arrogance like the rich and powerful to even dare act like that towards the gods, as is the case with hubris. Because of this, Rachel ends up creating a narrative that the rich and powerful (literal GODS) are the real victims to those cruel, uppity poor people, going as far as to say in comic they deserve to be slaves for hades’ benefit and they’re wrong for ever hating Persephone for, you know, murdering them because she had a bad day! They should know their place! It’s absolutely insane that she doesn’t actually seem to realize what she’s writing. Unless she does, which is an even bigger issue, and shows a really dark look into how she views the world and society and how it should be run. It’s all a bad look. 

8. Have you seen the "The demon, is here in the room right now?" meme

Welp, that's literally Persephone and her "feeling"

I legit saw that video about a dude faking a mental illnes (and seeing a demon that made him do bad things) after he commited a crime and that was so cringy and I can't stop thinking about Persephone confessing her AOW like that

[angeloncewas]

This just confirmed an idea i already had which i guess it solidifies it but anyways

So like during the lore drought in Summer I got into Hermitcraft bc why not and I was back into my MC interest, seemed fun and i was promised no lore to the extents of the DSMP (which side point, very funny Season 8, the season many of us got into it is the season of the whole everything going down. So that was a lie/lh)

But before that, we all know the Build Mart discourse and the tension around it. So before I was into the series, that whole shyebang got a little iffy with some SBI blogs and Trafficblr blogs, who at that time were mainlt SBI blogs and slowly mainning Trafficblr, but most ppl who are fans of dream in Tumblr can agree that those blogs are mostly neg about him, so much that I, anon-Dream (not saying which person but they he's from the Feral Boys)main could see as clear as water.

But okay, sure I got into that section bc of Last Life and slowly switched to Hermitcraft and followed some Trafficblr blogs and hey, they dont seem so bad, maybe I was wrong..

NOPE! Past existences that happened while I was/am in there like the Dream and George neg for the Minecraft mob vote as if other mcyters haven't done that, more Build Mart shit bc ugggghhhh. why does Dream hate it so much he obviously hates Grian 🙄 Noooo Grian doesn't like Parkour Warrior and Battle Box! Those games must be eliminated! Screw Dream even if he isn't the only player cracked at those games! Screw the DTEAM even if more players are good at Battle Box 😱 IGNORE HOW WE COMPLAIN ABOUT DTEAM FANS COMPLAINING ABOUT IT EVEN IF WE ARE DOING THE SAME AND ARE HYPOCYTAL AND WE DONT LIKE TO ADMIT IT/ WE SAY ITS ONLY SEXY WHEN WE DO IT AND ARE A BIG PART OF THE TOXICITY OF MCYTBLR 🤣, when other teams in mcc trash talk Dream in mcc they are cool but when Dream does it he is toxic, he needs to lose more often so my faves can win even if he were to do that we would complain how he lost on purpose as if our cc's cant win legit, Dream is a toxic player even if with new members in his team he coaches them kindly only getting toxic with his friends of literal years, almost decade, Dream is too cracked at mcc he needs to be more nerfed even if he worked for years for those abilities and can't be good at every MC skill like building just like your ccs can't be good at every skill they do like maybe pvp or speedrunning techniches-

All of that and tonight's instance just solidify my opinion that Hermit and honestly most of Trafficblr are the dttwt users of Tumblr, the awful ones. Like they said the 2019 Grian fans were like the current dsmp fans who are really toxic but that their community has gotten better over the years. Yeah that progress was undone bc they are acting just like 2019 toxic Grian fans.

Current Trafficblr 🤝 Beeduo/Dteam twitter mains

Acting like 2019 Toxic Grians fans

They are the thing they hate the most aka dream stans lmao

THE BIG PARAGRAPH IN THE MIDDLE WITH THE EMOJIS SENT ME FOR SOME REASON 😭 I get what you're saying though fr.

I think one of the quickest things to breed toxicity is a sense of superiority. When you feel like you have the high ground, it's easier to look down upon others and harder to look within yourself. We saw it with general mcytblr during the escapee era; everyone constantly was on about mcytblr's supremacy over mcyttwt and completely failed to recognize and come to terms with flaws in their own behavior. I think that's some of the problem with trafficblr/hcblr - because the dteam side of the mcyt fandom is such a hot mess (and I as a Dream-main will readily admit that) they believe they're above it. Hell, I did too! I lowkey idolized (very lowkey, but still) the hc blogs for their chillness. But that's not how this is. We're all just people in fandoms and as such we're very much alike in a lot of ways. Their ccs rage and trash talk and falter and so on and so on just like the ones I enjoy do, but because they have that false-bottom pedestal they rag on "our side" for it and don't care to consider theoretical hypocrisy.

This isn't every hc fan/trafficblr member - my dash is HIGHLY hc focused nowadays bc in the midst of the lull a lot of people I follow switched over - but I think it's worth considering. I am always ready to talk about the problems with the parts of the fandom I'm in, even when I myself don't agree with the criticisms, but I just don't see that energy shared and swapped among them in general. I don't know if I'd call them "awful" like you because my experience with them as a whole has been incredibly limited (and usually incredibly negative because those are the ones who tend to cross over) but I'm very sorry that's been your experience.

[incorrectspnforfun]

Is it just me or has this fandom gotten kinda serious??

Like I still love spn and the fandom as a whole, it’s nice to be supported by people who share the same interests as you but everything’s been blown up almost.

For instance I know the ‘walker’ premiere’s soon, something that a lot of people have worked really hard on including Jared, and some people are being so horrible about it without even watching it. Basically a lot of people are trying to make it fail because of spn and the controversy surrounding the ending, which I think is so childish and selfish. I mean if you watch it and don’t like it fair enough but if it’s just because of Jared being in it or because you didn’t like the spn finale what’s the point?

Everyone has their own opinion on the ending, which is fine, but to come for the actors and their career is so wrong and messed up.

Not only that but as a result of this the spn fandom is getting a bad reputation as toxic and immature (a lot of people assume were bitchy teenagers like???) I have several problems with that stereotype in itself but that’s not the point.

I just feel like it’s not about enjoying the show any more, but maybe that’s just me. I would love to hear your thoughts on this because you seem like a genuinely nice and friendly spn blog. Thank you, sorry it was long.

Hi! 

Don’t apologize at all! I’m sorry it took me so long to get to this, but I’m happy to answer it and talk about this now. <3 

I’ve talked about this whole thing with a lot of different people, and the whole issue still doesn’t sit right with me, but I’ll give you my thoughts and opinions and everything based on the talks I’ve had with friends/family who are also in the fandom. 

And before I get into my whole big long shpiel, I’m gonna say it now: 

I don’t want to argue with anyone in the comments. 

I don’t want a bunch of hate. 

If you don’t like what I say here, then scroll past it and ignore it. If you wanna unfollow the blog, that’s fine. 

But this person is asking me for my thoughts, maybe because they’re feeling hurt and confused by this fandom right now, like I am, and I don’t blame them, so I’m gonna tell them what I think, which means telling all of you. And if you don’t like it, then ignore it. But I’m not gonna fight with people. I will delete rude comments, because I don’t want the toxicity. 

I do try to keep this blog as positive, happy, and uplifting as possible, and I’m going to try to keep this post as positive as possible as well, but I, admittedly, have been very angered by some of the behavior of the people in this fandom, so if I come off as short and upset, I apologize in advance. 

All of that said, here we go: 

Yes. I agree with you 100%. I don’t know what happened, and I don’t know what it is, but the controversy over the finale created such a toxicity in the fandom that is killing me. 

I have always been proud to be in the fandom because we are a family. The SPN Family has always been a force for good: donating to charities, fighting for people’s rights, and just in general promoting love, kindness, and happiness. 

So to see all of that falling apart because of an ending?? Of a TV show?? It breaks me. It hurt my heart. When the controversy first started, I was in tears over everything happening, because I was heartbroken. 

Hearing that SPN fans were scaring actors and other fans off of social media because of their hate over the ending was one of the worst things I’d ever heard. And the fact that it only continued to escalate honestly made me wish I wasn’t in this fandom, if only to avoid the association. I even started avoiding a lot of my favorite SPN creators because they were being so toxic about the ending. 

Look. I loved the ending, and if you hate me for that, it’s fine. But I did. I thought it was perfect. I know there are a lot of people that didn’t. And that’s fine. We can agree to disagree. If you hate the ending, you have a right to your opinion. 

What nobody has the right to do, though, is hate on other people for their opinions, in any sense of the word. 

Jared Padalecki should not be getting hate because he loved and was proud of the finale. 

Jim Beaver should not have gotten hate because he was in the finale and was happy to be a part of something so beautiful. 

Misha Collins should not have gotten hate because he expressed his opinion about Cas’s ending and everything that came with the finale. 

Yes, they’re celebrities. Yes, they play these characters. But they are also people. They are human. 

This entire family has been built on the fact that these actors put us on their level. They respect us and treat us like we’re all equals. Don’t we owe them the same courtesy? 

This is getting a little preachy, but my point is that yes, this fandom has gotten toxic and serious and frustrating in a lot of ways, and it really hurts me on a personal level, because I love this family. I bragged for years about how positive the energy in this fandom was, and how open-minded and warm and welcoming everybody in it was. 

So to see it getting to the point where these toxic people are making a bad name for a fandom that I’ve praised ever since I joined it hurts. It hurts a lot. Even writing this is making me really emotional. 

Now. All of that said, I want to do my best to give you a light at the end of the tunnel. 

I truly believe that the true SPN Family is still out there. Whether people liked the finale or not, the fans who are screaming at actors and hating on fans who did like the finale and running stars off of social media because of their opinions are not SPN Family members. They may be Supernatural fans, but they are not family. Because I still believe that the SPN Family is filled with kindness and goodness and love, and I know that there are those of us out there who are positive. But, unfortunately, toxicity is louder--the squeaky wheel gets the grease. 

My hope, though, is that, down the line, it’s the positive legacy of this family that lives on. Because yeah, this all started because of a TV show, but it created something even bigger. And the people who are going to be surface level and hate on the show and the actors and the fans and everything because of the plot of the last few episodes don’t see the bigger picture, and, hopefully, by default, they won’t want to be a part of it. 

But those of us who still appreciate everything this show created and everything it stood for--whether we liked the finale or not--know that just because the show ended the way it did doesn’t mean the legacy of the actors, characters, fandom, or anything in between has to change or go away. 

The SPN Family has created something wonderful and beautiful. And yeah, our legacy looks a little tainted right now. But years from now, those of us who are truly members of the SPN Family--and not just the SPN fandom, because that’s an important distinction--will be able to keep that positive legacy going for years to come. 

At least, that’s what I’m hoping. 

I’ve thought about this a lot, and I’ve talked about it a lot, with a lot of people. 

And while I know everyone acting up over Walker was recent, I do feel like, all things considered, the toxicity is calming down, to a degree, and I like to think that it’ll slowly just fade out--or, at least quiet down. 

My hope is that, as the toxicity dies, the positivity will reign again, and everyone will slowly remember what this fandom should really be about--family and love.

Maybe this was too preachy, and maybe this isn’t even the type of thing you wanted to hear, but I hope that what I said gives you some comfort for a better future for this fandom--no, this family. It can be hard, with everything going on, but know that there are still positive people left. I’ve found several myself that I’ve latched onto to help me get through the negativity. And, in the end, love always wins. And family--true family--always has your back. 

And, hey, in the wise words of Dean Winchester: 

“A wise man once told me, 'family don't end in blood. ' But it doesn't start there either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them. Family's there; for the good, bad, all of it. They got your back, even when it hurts. That’s family.” 

And that family is the one that’ll come out on top. 

I know it. <3 

Lots of love to my entire SPN Family. Hang in there. <3 

[softer-ua]

Hello! I hope you are doing well, I wanted to mention something that came to mind. So I've been thinking the amount of toxicity and over-dramatic people there is in this fandom is gonna be hard to clear up if any ship did become canon. And yes including us BakuDekus not us in specific but in terms of other people who ship it. If DekuRaka became canon (surprisingly lmfao) Then we would all react sadly. Same for bkdk being canon ppl would lose their minds. This fandom is all over the place.

You’re right but it’s important to keep perspective about this

Firstly negativity is always going to be the loudest thing in any room and it’s going to be the most memorable, and that includes in the anime community

And it is a community with its own cultural nuances and a lot of diversity which creates a lot of butting heads

I think the real struggle with BNHA is that it hit popularity right as the anime community as a whole was shifting and had all the ingredients to create a mega fandom

Like the new age kids are starting to lead the community now, which means the rules are changing what wasn’t okay before is and what was isn’t and I think it’s all for the best but it does kinda make a mess.

There was also a kinda lul period with no anime that was really creating a mega fandom the way bnha is now, allowing for more people to give their attention to it

Which lead to a kinda cultural shift were it’s not just gatekeeping nerd bros but casual watchers, newbies, people who were looking for fresh blood because their fandoms were dying, and just a whole mixed bag of nuts. Allowing for a much more diverse audience to be active fandom members and right now bnha is and has been the biggest talk of the entire anime community it’s like the center house

So bnha has a very large fandom, meaning there’s more chances to run into negative or just down right hostile loony tunes. It’s also a lot of peoples first rodeo, young and old, because for the first time it’s kinda just safe for anyone to like anime openly to the point they’re never asked to explain themselves for it

People who don’t grow up doing fandom things and just jump into a large fandom might not interact in ways that would be considered appropriate

People who don’t do nerd stuff live their lives having strong opinions on things that are almost exclusively personal things that disagreeing with them about would be considered very rude and they bring that energy into the fandom and can get quite defensive because until now most of the opinions they have experience sharing are serious matters, “it’s not that serious” truly can be a foreign concept

Or they’re just young and have no emotional regulation or experience

But fandom isn’t worse or more toxic, there’s just more opinions being shared which leaves more chances for disagreements. The reason it seems like there was less before is because of gate keeping and because social media wasn’t as prevalent and in your face

10 years ago the amount of hate I’d have gotten for running a shipping based blog for a Shonen anime would have been enough to deal a person physical damage, wouldn’t matter how good my non shipping metas are.

In fact my non shipping metas probably would have been my most dangerous ones because they’d be reached non shippers and brought them to my page to see my other posts, but it’s been a year since I started this blog and I think I’ve had like 1 single hater thus far

So try to keep things in perspective when thinking about how toxic or whateves the fandom sometimes seems, it’s truly not that bad most of the time and shippers vs non shippers is definitely not where we need to be focusing our energies cause there’s much bigger problems(racism/homophobia/sexism)

[septembersghost]

omg that anon you just answered was beautiful. i got off tumblr and twitter for years and it’s been a tough time readjusting to how much it exposes me to the negative side of fandom, and im so very glad i found your blog. you get dean in a way that makes me feel like im looking into a mirror but someone who’s way more eloquent is looking back at me

I understand what you mean. I was off of Tumblr for a year and a half due to life issues, and I missed aspects of it and people here terribly, but that distance of time probably adds to my extra fragility with some of this. I only came crashing back in because I was so upset that Dean was being unnecessarily and wrongly hated (and also Jensen), and because...I wanted to be here, with cherished friends and with others who felt this connection, when this story that has meant so much to me for fifteen years came to a close. Obviously, none of us entirely imagined what that ending would entail or how devastating the ripple effects would be. I think I’ve said already (as I’ve spilled so much virtual ink and heartache over this) that I wish more than anything we had gotten a beautifully consoling, satisfying, humanistic ending instead of...the way it happened...and it is very difficult to navigate around that when it stabs the heart of the story in a way that darkens the edges of every arc and other episode, but I do want to believe that we can take it back and hold onto the aspects that mattered to us. Absolutely nothing should be allowed to have the power to take that away, especially not a poor script from a writer/writing team that seemingly did not comprehend the soul of this journey or the value of his character the way we did. Even though the pain is unavoidable, the violating aspect of it...tbh the writers simply do not deserve that level of recognition. I keep telling myself this as I work through it. The grief has been, continues to be, a real, tangible process for me that’s hard to articulate because of its closeness and how it’s intertwined in such intimate and long-lasting parts of my life, but in some ways, the grief has also given me a clarity about WHY he matters, and why I won’t let that meaning go. He was a constant and a source of resilience and light that helped me survive so much, how can I regret that? I’d rather have had him and survived like I did, than not have had him and struggled more, or not made it through those shadow days. I mean, saving people was - and is - his whole deal, and he truly achieved that.

It’s been tough for me to be re-exposed to the fandom in many respects too, I’d cultivated my own little garden on my old blog and now there’s so much negativity and so many disturbing takes that there have been times when I’ve felt like I’m lost out in the weeds trying to find my way back to it. Luckily, there are also many insightful, moving thoughts out there from other people who love him and care about the story, and the collective power of that is more resonant than the toxicity (this is something else I repeat to myself!). We’re entitled to our anger and hurt every bit as much as we’re entitled to the courage and kindness. There’s nothing wrong with expressing whatever we need to - we’re feeling all this because we DO care so much - but we have to remember that those darker reactions can never strip away the love. 

We’re here out of love, which is paramount. What could represent Dean better than that?

Thank you so much for this, I’m glad you’re here too. And thank you for the lovely compliment, nothing could mean more to my heart than knowing I can provide tiny bits of comfort/understanding and reflect any measure of love (he deserves it all) back into the world, not only for him, but for anyone who may need it. 💕 

[anxious-acushla]

I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile. Or, rather, I’ve needed to do this for awhile.

And this post will likely get me in trouble but after some thought I decided it was better to be honest and then kind of leave it be than to just fade out and allow everyone to fill in the blanks with a story that is convenient for them.

I’ll start by saying that I’ve always been an outsider in fandom. I’m usually an outsider in life in general so it’s a natural role for me to fall into. I get involved in fandom because I love a piece of media. I obsess over fandom usually because I love a relationship. I actually used to be worse. I used to really lose myself in it all. It was an escape. Then it because almost unhealthy because as with everything else in my life, my passion came from things I found to be unfair. With fandom it was terrible plot lines and the absolute murder of characters I really identified with and rooted for. So I grew up and as I did I pulled back a bit, but I still enjoyed fandom.

When that happened (ie. my fog of rage cleared) I realized that regardless fandom was and still is my way of writing and getting feedback on my writing. So sure, I love the thing you love but I’m here to write. If I make friends along the way, then cool. But that’s not my goal. I’ve never been one to praise a work just because someone who was kind to me (or is even a friend) wrote it. I won’t read your fic just because you read mine. I won’t read fic I don’t like - period. (**It’s also worth noting that I work a lot and don’t have as much time to read fic as I used to.) And I get that sets me apart. I won’t apologize for it but I understand how foreign that may feel for some people. But that’s okay! That’s my entire point! We’re all different! But if I was able to write and able to share my work and able to receive feedback, I was fine because that was my goal.

The fandom I’m currently associated with is different. I’m not calling it out by name - I don’t want this appearing in any tags. This is for my followers and the people I have so much respect and love for. To put it bluntly, my experience has been really negative since the beginning. I noticed early on how prevalent these very cancel culture/write off posts were; how often opinions were posted as fact, demeaning a fellow fan’s differing stance in a very personal way. The beauty of fandom is that we all have our interpretations. We are literally here because we either love or hate the different interpretations writers presented us. Fandom is and has always been based on a fans passion for a story and if we start quelling different interpretations as if free speech isn’t a thing, in my opinion you’re completely ruining what fandom is about. Fanfiction cannot thrive or even exist without freedom of expression. So when I see passive aggressive posts about a fellow fan’s opinion, that’s what feels foreign to me. When those posts are based on something *I* said and stand by and continue many months after my opinion was voiced via my writing, it’s honestly just sad — disheartening and almost disconcerting but sad. And I’ve dealt with this for what feels like forever. I’ve dealt with it not in the way fandom is supposed to, with productive discourse, but with nasty anons and call out posts in the tags not dismissing the opinion but the person who has it. There are asks I’ve received that I’ve never posted because they were downright cruel. There are asks I’ve posted that I know a lot of people agree with but won’t reblog or even heart because they’re afraid of rocking the boat. I’ve literally been blocked more times than I can count, not by people I’ve ever interacted with but for no apparent reason other than that I most likely had an opinion that differed from theirs. I’ve also been blocked (I can only assume) because I stopped reading fic I no longer enjoyed. Again, I’m not here to be liked. That’d be cool and I care about it more than I’d care to admit, but I don’t expect it. I’m here to write. But I deserve respect just like everyone else and I don’t believe such a simple courtesy can be overlooked. That’s not something I want any part of.

Needless to say, it’s always been so odd to me when people talk about how much they love this fandom and how welcoming and accepting everyone is. I have felt and experienced nothing but the opposite since Day 1. And fandom should be what you make it but it has literally gotten to the point where all of the negativity outweighs the positives. The negativity I experience is not only unfair but blatantly toxic and I have bitten my tongue for so. damn. long. Bottom line: I don’t feel welcomed. I don’t feel like part of the community and I’m sick of acting like I’m not bothered by it. Popularity contests have never been my thing but when my choice to ignore it comes at a detriment of my main goal (writing and getting feedback on my writing) I wonder why I’m here.

I have a lot going on in my personal life. A lot. Especially lately. And fandom is no longer the escape I need it to be. This is not fun for me anymore. Realizing, accepting and admitting that is not easy for me. I’m honestly heartbroken. Fandom has been such a huge part of who I am since I was 11. ELEVEN.

I’m going to finish CFDD because I love this story and I love this version of these characters and I’ve worked too hard not to share the ending with everyone. There are some of you that have been so overwhelmingly supportive that I don’t feel right not giving you that ending. I owe it to the characters and I owe it to those of you who have invested time and emotional energy into a world that means so much to me. My readers and those who have given feedback mean the world to me. I mean that. It is everything to me. So I will give you the ending and then I think I’m going to go politely bow out. I had a story planned for when CFDD was over. I was so stoked for it and the storyline is one that is very personal and I’m so passionate about sharing. I just have no motivation. Again, this is not fun for me anymore. I want to cry writing that. I am gutted. I am lost. But this is what makes sense right now.

I’m keeping my tumblr. I’ve had this blog since I was 15. That’s 12+ years. It is mine and I’ve finally started curating it back to where it’s a productive place for me to share what’s important to me. Unfortunately that means unfollowing some people. So if I unfollowed you, it’s probably not personal. It likely has very little to do with you and everything to do with the users you reblog and the posts you promote. And that’s okay! You’re curating your blog to what you want, just like I am. I tried filtering and I tried blocking and blacklist. It wasn’t enough. Please still reach out if you need to vent or want to check in or just bullshit about politics or mental health or whatever else. Me not liking your blog likely has nothing to do with me liking you. Just like I’m hoping me doing this isn’t going to result in everyone writing me off.

Ya’ll, I was so fucking excited to post my next story. I love this couple. I loved Exhale and I love CFDD. I adore the fuck out of some of you. But I can’t do this anymore. This isn’t fun anymore but I hope it’s fun again someday.

✌🏻💜

[dreamsparkleandshine]

I’ve been here on tumblr in the TS fandom since Taylor joined tumblr in 2014. Yes, I do have a follow and I have been noticed several times. I can say I have had the good fortune of both due to other fans helping me and my gratitude is endless. I have always tried to pay it forward and have always helped others here. I have seen many fans that I have helped reblog (or I made follow lists which included their names) go on to be noticed by Taylor and have even seen a large number of these fans actually meet Taylor. I saw this most during the 1989 era, but, also saw it during Rep era and have already seen it during this Lover era.

I need to be honest here and admit that this era feels very different to me. Everyone has their own reality and everyone is entitled to their own perspectives, opinions, and viewpoints. For me, this era feels more fake and forced. The entire vibe is different than any previous eras. I only see Taylor come online when she has something to promote and even then, most of her likes are about herself. I even saw her like the same photo with different captions three times in one day. In previous eras on tumblr, she seemed to be more interested in the fans and things fans posted about their lives. This Lover era, I don’t see that much anymore.

Yes, Taylor is the biggest pop star in the world. No, things can never stay the same all the time. What I am seeing this era, though, truly breaks my heart and at the same time, makes me angry. Taylor, herself, said she is looking to reward fans who are ���extra”. This one sentence she spoke during the promotion of “Me” has done so much damage in the fandom. People will do almost anything now to be noticed by Taylor in hopes of possibly meeting her. The things I see fans do and say to be noticed are truly out of control. A lot of what I see is demeaning and reflects poorly on the character of those attempting to be noticed, and, yet fans keep doing more and more outlandish things and saying more and more unbelievable things in hopes of getting Taylor’s attention. I say all of this to convey that I fully believe people are going to extremes now for her attention because Taylor, herself, said she wants to find fans who are “extra”. I see this along with other things Swift says and does as doing more harm than good to the fandom.

There is so much negativity here, bullying, canceling others out, telling fans how to feel or not to feel, judgments, discrimination, labeling, and so much more. I could go on and on. For the most part, this fandom is not a fun place to be anymore. It once was, but, it definitely is not this Lover era. I have heard so many longtime twitter and tumblr fans say that they don’t enjoy being here anymore. The environment is toxic and often feels so heavy and dark. Like many others, I have backed off on the time I spend here. Who needs or wants to be around so much negative energy? It is brutal on our mental and emotional health. It even feels physically draining.

Many, including myself, see very little reason to continue reblogging others or post follow lists for Taylor. She doesn’t often follow new fans anymore for whatever reason and her likes seem to be many of the same fans over and over and over. It feels very defeating, in my opinion. It’s like fighting a losing battle.

Many of our fellow fans who have been here for years don’t seem to care much anymore about helping others. New fans here don’t help others or don’t even see why they should try because so many of Taylor’s likes are repeat fans. People don’t feel they nor others have much of a chance, so, why bother? While there once was a spirit of helping others here, the prevailing spirit this era is self only. It is a completely different atmosphere and environment than past eras.

I often think of the relationship between Swift and the fans here as extremely dysfunctional. It is mostly one sided with Taylor holding all the power. Fans make themselves sick with worry over whether they will ever be noticed and possibly meet her one day (while spending countless time and money making posts and videos to blog) and while fans are being stressed out and anxious most of the time, Taylor and/or her team come online and like a few posts or have a Twitter fan get together. It feels like putting a small band aid on a very large, gaping wound. No, Taylor and/or her team are not responsible for all of the issues in this fandom, and yet I see no progress on resolving major ones. Honestly, I would respect Taylor more if she posted something saying she has gotten so big that she cannot possibly maintain a healthy fan relationship online, anymore.

I realize these are my thoughts, my opinions, and my perspective on the fandom and yet I have heard others say many of the same things. I know it isn’t just me feeling this way. I also understand that most will never speak out because they see it as ruining whatever small chance they may have at ever being noticed by or meeting Taylor. I get that, completely. For me, I think things have gotten bad enough that I felt compelled to be honest and speak up. No, I don’t expect anything to change here. I do, however, believe there is power in standing up for what one believes in and so I am standing up for myself and so many others here who may not feel comfortable doing so.

This fandom needs written instruction on who can meet Taylor and how often. The past three eras have proven there to be multiple theories regarding how and when fans can meet Swift. One person gets told one thing and another gets told something completely different. Nothing is ever consistent. People get hurt over and over due to no real written “rules” on meeting Taylor. It isn’t fair and should be addressed, not continually swept under the rug.

I have no desire to argue with anyone here regarding this post. You can choose to send hate but it won’t change my opinions nor my reality here. Everyone is entitled to feel whatever they feel, and say whatever they choose on their own blog. People don’t have to agree nor like it, but, everyone has the right to post whatever they so choose.

I hope some of the big fandom issues get resolved here. I don’t expect it, but, I can still hope. It would be amazing to see this wonderful community of so many truly good people become a fun and peaceful place to be once again.

[bigskydreaming]

Just a general FYI for newer followers....

My oh-so-controversial stance on noncon, underage and incest fics and anger in such ensuing arguments is NOT based on some quest for abstract ideological purity or an attempt to be The Most Morally Righteous. Its deeply personal for me. 

I’m an abuse and csa survivor, thanks to my bio-mom who physically, emotionally and sexually abused me up until I was ten, at which point it only stopped because I literally fought my dad and stepmom on going to see her anymore for her unsupervised custody visits....which she only had because my dad, despite knowing full well that she was mentally ill and not safe to be around, never fought her on in order to keep HER dad happy, as he was the only one keeping my dad’s business afloat for years. I then grew up deeply closeted because when you’re raised conservative Catholic in a family that prioritizes appearances over childcare and basically pimped me out before I was ten, you tend to assume the worst case scenarios about being outed. 

Which ironically then came true when I went as far away from them as I could for college, to Georgia, where my freshman year of college I ended up gaybashed and raped, which resulted in me dropping out and a downward spiral for the next several years, and made a resurgence in fucking up my life a couple years ago when I ended up with chronic pain and health conditions I’m still trying to afford getting fixed, and that all stem from trauma to my jaw that began with me getting kicked in the head a lot one night sixteen years ago. With very little in person real life support system because my family and I flat out don’t talk or interact anymore and I’m currently physically incapable of getting out and about and holding down a job that doesn’t let me work from my computer.

SO. 

Those are my personal trauma credentials, and they’re why none of this is academic for me, nor will it EVER be. I’m intimately acquainted with pain and distress, which means I’m more than qualified to tell when things cause me pain and distress, and categorically, I’m flat out stating that being unable to go a DAY in ANY fandom without being surrounded by the awareness that people find fantasy versions of my Trauma Greatest Hits not only ‘sexy’ and ‘harmless’ and ‘hot,’ they would much rather defend them than survivors who say flat out, categorically, the casual ACCEPTANCE of these things alone causes us pain and distress......well, shockingly, this causing me pain and distress.

I’m tired, guys.

Its fucking EXHAUSTING spending your entire fucking life being told by everyone you meet that people value and respect abuse and rape survivors and only want them to be safe and happy, when push comes to shove, that’s almost NEVER proven true in my experience.

Its fucking EXHAUSTING spending your entire fucking life seeking out friends and found family of your own to replace the one you never really had, only to time and time again be blindsided when people you otherwise respect and admire trot out the oh so familiar “its just fiction” and “how naive/childish/ignorant are you that you can’t tell the difference between fiction and reality” lines.

Because its NOT just fiction, and this IS my reality: the constant, 24/7, everpresent awareness that the very REAL reactions I have to being constantly bombarded with an atmosphere of casual permissiveness about the very things that have for decades traumatized me.....like this is laughable to people. People literally LAUGH at this, when I spell this out. They tell me its my fault. Its MY problem. The only one doing anything wrong here is ME, for DARING to have a negative emotional reaction to constantly stumbling across proof that for a lot of people, literal narrative descriptions of some of the worst moments of my life are HOT, SEXY, FANTASIES.

And even the people who DON’T find these things hot or titillating prove time and time again they’d much rather defend THESE things than the people who object to these things....because the former are familiar, and comfortable and thus allow for a ‘civil, peaceable’ status quo whereas people making a big fuss about how fucking upsetting a constant casual environment where ANYTHING sexual goes, up to and including romanticizing and eroticizing peoples’ very real sources of trauma....like, we’re the REAL bad guys, we’re the REAL troublemakers. Why can’t we just let people write what they want to write? Why can’t we just let people have fun?

Well gee, I don’t know.

I honestly couldn’t tell you.

Because I’ve been asking my fandoms that exact same question for years.....why can’t you let those of us who are fucking DISTURBED by how EVERPRESENT these things are and how little people even want to question WHY they’re as everpresent as they are.....why don’t we get to have fun? 

Why don’t we get to feel safe? 

When do we get to be defended? 

Why don’t our feelings and upset and emotional distress matter?

And time and time again, the only answers I EVER get are....’stop being so sensitive.’ ‘Its just words, words are harmless.’ ‘Stop making this about you.’ ‘Other people don’t have this same problem so I don’t know what to tell you.’

Except, when have any of those lines EVER been acceptable defenses of the offense or harm caused anywhere?

*Shrugs*

So yeah. That’s my story, if you didn’t already know it. I didn’t start out on this site casually trotting it out TMI style, I only eventually started discussing it openly after years of being pressed to display my trauma credentials if I was gonna insist on participating in discussions about rape and abuse as a cis white man. And being so open about it in the years since I started to be, has NEVER granted me any kind of hall pass or given me enough ‘street cred’ to balance out the sheer VOLUME of hate and toxicity I’ve gotten from people happy to use specific details I’ve volunteered about my traumas to harass and try and get me to shut up and be quiet....even as they then turn around and blithely reblog stuff like that “reblog this if you support male survivors” post that I’ve seen on literally EVERY SINGLE BLOG I’ve ever fucking fought with people about on this subject. INCLUDING the ones who also openly argue in defense of ACTUAL pedophilia and incest on the very same pages of their blog where they argue in defense of the romanticized fictional depictions of these things, because gee, shockingly, THERE’S OVERLAP.

And yeah. Sorry to say, I’m probably always going to become upset and angry at reminders that people who I otherwise would respect and want to be around....would rather side with and parrot the arguments of SELF-ADMITTED PEDOPHILES than survivors of csa and so on.

Go figure.

I would love to not have to be so paranoid and cautious in my fandom interactions. I don’t make 90% of my fandom content be original posts that I start on my own rather than casually interacting with other peoples’ content because I’m self-obsessed and think I make the only content that’s worth shit.....I do it because its the only way I know how to keep SOME semblance of safety for myself and I’ve too often in the past been blindsided by happily interacting with someone who posted something I found interesting and fun....only to two posts later be snorting derisively at people who like me, are just too damn dumb to get that fiction is innately harmless.

Its exhausting feeling disrespected at every turn, even by people who are quite vocal about respecting me and my viewpoints...up until it comes time to laugh at those naive children like me, who are just so irrational we simply can not grasp that we have no basis for being upset about romanticizing our traumas.

So, just FYI....that’s why I get so heated on this specific topic, and that’s why I’m stand-offish about following people back and keeping my interactions surface-level until I’m fairly confident I’m not going to be happily perusing someone’s content only to then get whiplash again when it goes zero to “incest is so hot!” in three posts or less.

If that’s upsetting to people or a dealbreaker? Well there you go. That should be all the info you need to know that my blog’s not for you.

Because I’m tired of being treated like I’m the unreasonable one because I say incest, pedophilia and rape fantasies are dealbreakers for me....not SEX itself, not even kink, not even graphic content, but just those THREE SPECIFIC THINGS.

That doesn’t make me a prude. That doesn’t make me irrational.

That makes me a survivor who wants to be allowed to fucking EXIST in fandom spaces without having to constantly defend my RIGHT to act traumatized around LITERAL. ROMANTICIZED. DESCRIPTIONS. Of my traumas.

*Shrugs*

Sorry not sorry.

[elriell]

Do you ship SQ now?

I am so sorry I have no clue when this was sent as my ask box is awful at notifying me but I think I checked about… idk a week ago? So hopefully you haven’t been waiting too long. 

There is a long and a short answer, short is yes. and i have been a multi shipper for a few years now (even tho i haven’t been on tumblr in ages prior) I even made a post about it WAY back when which you may have missed, So I will copy and paste it below (bare in mind this was written years ago when I first sort of began multi-shipping) but it still relates to this day for those who might be confused as I was a 100% CS shipper back in the day, they are still my OTP for the record! 

I just started enjoying other areas of the fandom too. If you dont care for the long answer no worries I’ll leave it under the (read more) bar and just ignore it, but if you do want to know a little about my experience and feeling with all the toxicity within the f OUAT fandom back then, then go ahead and give it whirl and come back and we can chat

Hellooooo. *blows out breath* Where to begin…

I made a post months ago about fandom negativity and how over time it got to me, I’m going to copy parts of it over here and add some more, newer thoughts since that post…And hopefully if you have the patience to sit through it you’ll understand a little better by the end.

*

I am a Captain Swan shipper (along with many other ships), I have been a member of the CS family for years and have loved it, I have made so many lifelong friends that I talk to outside of tumblr daily, however, there is something I have been…struggling, for lack of a better word, with for a little while.

Negativity. Fandom negativity to be specific.

(I also want to preface this by saying I am not calling anyone out at all, people who are discussing and standing up for their characters and/or actors. People who are having debates, wording discussions in way I never could articulate so beautifully, are awesome. I enjoy these posts and reblog them often. This is not directed anyone in the slightest.)

But there has been a lot of negativity surrounding certain areas of the fandom, there is no reason to beat around the bush, I am talking about anti-sq/anti-regina stuff. I see it on my dash from a few shippers, I see it in the “OUAT Spoilers” tag and on twitter and everywhere. There is literally this dark energy everywhere. This hostile feeling, and maybe I am the only who feels it but I am just going to honest and straight up say, it got to me.

It crept up in a way I can’t even explain…

I am the biggest believer in ship and let ship, shipping is supposed to be fun! It shouldn’t matter what is canon and what’s not, it’s about enjoying characters that you think have potential. It’s about discussing it with your friends and making fanart, and just enjoying. And yet at some point during my time in the fandom something in me changed.

I let the bad apples get to me, I let the hateful people get to me and twist my views on an entire fandom. When I thought of the Swan Queen fandom all I saw was the bad, and became so bad that I’d see a gifset or anything in relation to them and feel physically ill. Like a pit in my stomach, like a uncomfortable twist every time they came up.

I realise this sounds melodramatic, I mean how can seeing a gifset actually cause such a strong reaction? Such strong negative emotions… I suppose it was the accumulation of so much anger and bitterness towards the bad apples  (and also seeing my dash constantly with negativity, it is like being in a bubble) that I forgot that they aren’t a entire fandom, that I became hyper sensitive to everything surrounding SQ. It was confusing, I absolutely love ships between women, if anything 8/10 i prefer them, being a bisexual women i’ve learned take/appreciate representation where we can get it or possibly get it. [sidenote: it f* sucks that there isn’t more out there and i could rant about that for daaays] but anyways in this one show something just didn’t click originally.

I get so upset when I see posts about how the CS fandom is the most hateful fandom because there are so many amazing people who have become my family and who literally are like literal sunshine and I think to myself “How can you (sq’rs) judge a entire fandom by a handful of bad?”

But then I know what you’re now thinking… Isn’t that what you’ve been doing, Morgan? Yes, yes it is.

I don’t want to argue about which fandom has done the most wrong, or which is more guilty of hate, I just want to move forward. I want to watch the show again and have fun doing so. I want to watch OUAT and not feel annoyed every time Regina is on screen with Emma (because there is no reason for it). I want to watch OUAT with a lighter heart, like I use too back in season 3.

“I don’t know how, but I’ve simply decided to let go of all my hostile emotions, lets call it my new years resolution. At the very least I am trying to and you know what, I think I am getting somewhere good, I felt a lot better lately, my mood is up. You might have noticed a slight increase of Regina on my blog, I saw a gif of Regina looking at Emma (from 4x12) and thought “oh, you know I can see what you mean about the way she looks at her sometimes…” (tbh she looks at a lot of folks that way), it’s simply Lana’s acting.  But my point is, that physical negative reaction is gone.

And I am so fucking happy about that.”

-A quote from my months old post

That feeling has only gotten better and stronger in the months ahead, I have followed a few multi shippers and begun to interact outside of my usual circles, and its going good. There are always days were anti’s irritate me but I think that is normal, overall I am happier.

I am so sorry if this feels fake to some of my friends on tumblr, who I have openly talked negatively about characters/ships with, I don’t take back my beliefs on  some of their actions or our discussions, I’ve simply chosen to try and move past it. And look at it from a wider lens…

I don’t know if I have properly articulated myself during this post but I really just wanted to get this out in the open because I love and adore the CS fandom but I also want to open up a little more, I know that although I few of my friends on here wont agree with my opinions on trying to be more regina/sq friendly I am sure you’ll support me because you always have, and thats what friendship is.

HOWEVER, back to the main purpose of this swan-queeen side-blog I understand and acknowledge that this is my change, and my choice. A lot of people don’t have to follow me in it and don’t want it on their dash, I have a little under 5k on my main and I know that they followed for a specific set of content. With that in mind I am putting this kind of content on a separate platform, if you want to join me I’d love that, if not I understand everyone has a right to their feelings/opinions.

Anyways I have so much more to say but I’ll stop here or you will be falling asleep, I am always here to chat and discuss things so feel free to hit up my ask/messenger/etc…

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’