#and i havent been able to leave the house at all because im in too much pain to safely drive when i can stand

[penisbilt]

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

[princessmyriad]

.

[castielafflicted]

okay but what if I wasn't experiencing severe stabbing pain

[nerdie-faerie]

Feeling a lil vindictive, a lil nasty this morning

So context, my brother had a work do last night and before he left he told my mum he'd becoming back here and doing so alone. So tell me why he called me at 3am when I'm trying to sleep but travel anxiety and says he's bringing two mates back? I tell him he can't I'm leaving at 6 tomorrow he just goes yeah they'll just be passing through your room. No I've gotta get up in 3 hours you can't be keeping up, yeah it's fine. The fuck it is not

Anyway so my alarm goes off 3 hours later I've barely slept, my brain already woke me up several times prior but that doesn't mean I'm turning my alarms off immediately or getting ready quietly after the prick disturbed my sleep

[chrismcshell]

i haven't been able to get much done over the past couple days because i've been too tired, and i've been too tired because i've been staying up too late, because i am a fool. i am in a hell of my own making. what else is new

[yanderemommabean]

Hey It's been a while

First, I just want to apologize for being gone as long as I have. Things got to a heated point at home, and I had to postpone my move until August while facing some health concerns.

Im finally out of that god forsaken house. But it wasn't easy. They cornered me, and I cried for six hours trying to just hold on until the next day when I could go.

Im so so so fucking sorry I havent been able to be on here. I know you all must have been worried sick, and I should've at least made some update posts, but Ive been stressed as all hell in my new home trying to get insurance figured out so I can get insulin, trying to get a job for rent and Sammy's meds (he got diagnosed with heart worms, and im devastated at how long it's been going on so we're trying like hell to get him better, ive been up days in a row worried sick about it while waiting on job offers and its killing me).

I got to take Pixie, and she got checked out too and I havent heard anything, so that's good! I've been sick and trying to figure everything out, and was just not able to write like ive been wanting to. I had to leave behind one person i really didn't want to, who unfortunately is stuck with my family, and its also been eating at me.

I'm alive, just stressed and sick and trying to heal from abuse and the shock of not being yelled at for being sick and scared and making mistakes.

Again, Im so sorry you guys. I should have tried to update at all, I've just had so much going on and so much sickness. I am so grateful to have you guys at all, and the sweet messages you sent me made me smile when I finally logged in and read them.

I can't guarantee an everyday post like I usually used to do, but I'm going to try and at least be back more than I have been! I love you beans. I'm so sorry for the radio silence. Everything came to a fever pitch and has been nonstop trying to get settled in since I finally got away, which was the end of August. Before that, I was sick, unable to stand up without passing out, and barely eating because the abuse was so bad that staying in my room and starving was better than any interaction. I wont go into too much detail but the abuse was another large part I didn't want to post. Just bed rotting and hoping time would speed up to get me out of there.

Anyway, this was a terrible ramble, I'll hush, but thank you all so much for your messages, and im happy to be back! Even if just a bit at a time for now until im more settled in <3

Much love!

-Mommabean

[fagcrisis]

sorry what do you mean your mother's coup. elaborate

this ended up being long as hell so readmore time

so i live in this old fucking apartament building right, turns 120 soon, hasnt really been renovated in 50 years. and our apartament has the attic built in, which wasnt a feature originally and the previous tenant did it himself, badly, meaning weve had a hole in our roof for about 5ish years now that we just have not been able to fix. last november we had a pretty big storm that fucked the hole up even worse and our previous solution of just "put a bucket under it and leave the room" has stopped working because too much water was getting in and my sister had to start sleeping in a different room so safe to say, shit state of affairs

my mum got a contractor to come take a look at it and the dude concluded that its dangerous to be left unfixed and hes gonna have to climb in between the attic walls and the roof bc due to the hole theres a shitton of mold that needs to be cleaned out. overall this wouldve cost us 600k forint thats more than my mum makes in 2 months and i had 9-5 at that point but my shit salary was not gonna fix this. so my mum had a breakdown and decided that well sell the apartament and try moving, which sucks bc when we got this place it was still cheap but since then the housing market has gone to shit and we wouldve had to live in a rental we probably wouldnt have been able to afford. but my mum still called an agent to check the house out, and he told us that theres no way were selling it, because of the big fucking hole, the messed up pipes and bc the building isnt insulated (legally cant be bc its a historical monument lmao. europe)

HOWEVER he also said. since this is an apartament building with 12 flats we have a house representative and we pay *google translate help me* common cost every month, to cover repairs on the house, that we shouldnt have to pay for the repairs, the house should. cause. its the whole houses roof not just our apartaments.

my mum went to the house rep (józsi) to ask about this, and he told her that this isnt true and that he wont pay for the repairs. which made my mum mad and she went and found a lawyer who said the house does have to pay for repairs. but józsi was still like i will not.

so my mum talked to all 12 of our neighbouring flats individually and found out that literally everybody has grievances with this dude. there has been an ENTIRE TREE growing on the roof for years now that we havent been able to get cleaned out, the staircase is borderline life threatening to use, we could technically get authorization for insulating the house but the rep needs to apply and józsi hasnt, one of the gates to the yard is like not working, etc

they ended up calling the first house meeting in years (were supposed to have those every month lol) where they ended up voting to have a new rep, and also to fix our roof. which got fixed by the way, and the mold was also cleaned out

BUT the story doesnt end here bc they still need to vote a new rep in. and my mum found this company who represents apartament buildings professionally and sure itd cost us some money but we pay the common cost anyway, and they have contractors they work with so itd be soooo easy to fix shit in the house. but for some reason some people decided they want this dude instead, who owns one of the flats in the building but does not live here, his insane mother does who hates me. and he DOESNT LIVE HERE the entire problem with józsi was, that he was like not helpful in any way and now they want a guy who doesnt even live here??

ANYWAY TODAY THE PLOT FUCKING THICKENED. because. my mum started looking over the houses finances with 2 of our neighbours one of whom is i think a lesbian but im not sure anyways they found out that józsi has been STEALING MONEY. FROM THE COMMON COST. WHICH IS WHY FUCKALL GOT FIXED IN THE HOUSE!!!!

anyway the coup is still ongoing but i hope u enjoyed my mums tale of intrigue. shes having so much fun w this shes having secret meetings with people to talk about this all day

[lexa-griffins]

Omega Lexa works in a sex shop and provides extra services for the customers via a glory hole. Her identity is kept secret for her protection. Alpha Clarke is one of her usual clients. Clarke accidentally knots Lexa through the glory hole so they're tied together waiting for Clarke's knot to deflate

The.... visual of them then tied together through the glory is... too much. Is porncom a genre? Because that is exactly what this is ajskdkdnd

Lexa knows Clarke, she's seen her walk around the store. She's bought a few things here and there, some she assumes are for partners and not herself but Lexa has learned to not judge a book by its cover.

She visits the glory hole a few times a month. Lexa likes her. She's easy to make cum, she's always polite with her even when she can't see her. Overall, a joy of a client and of an alpha.

Lexa has had a rough week and Clarke feels good inside of her. So fucking good. She's exactly what Lexa needed to make her forget the shitty week she had, from being yelled at by an alpha after so much as implying the dildo he was buying was for him and the beta she had to comfort as she cried about the omega she cant seem to keep as he keeps running back to his ex so she thought a funner toy could help.

Clarke is good at making her forget theres a wall between them. A literal one. She stays out most of the time and lets Lexa do her job o nstead of trying to be the big dominant alpha.

Maybe if Clarke had been more in control she would have been able to realize how close Lexa was to take her and she would have been able to pull out before. Lexa is so lost in how good the stretch feels she only realizes shestaking the knot when she's past the point of no return.

"Oh my god." Its really the only thing Lexa can say as Clarke fully enters her and groans, cumming inside of her.

Fuck doesnt quite cut it.

"I- Im stuck."

Yeah, no shit, smartest alpha on earth.

"We're stuck."

"I should have pulled out, Im sorry."

"I was the one in control, I should have realized it, its my fault."

Silence.

"Are you comfortable like that?"

No, "I guess. Its not like there much we can do anyways." She's bent over and her legs are a ldittle shaky but luckily the stall is small enough she can hold herself up.

"Im sorry."

"Youve said that already."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

Lexa snorts with humor, making her body shake and a small moan to leave them both.

"How long do you usually take to go down?"

"Half an hour, one hour? Depends. My rut isnt close so it should be more on the higher end."

"Great."

"Im s-"

"Clarke if you say sorry i will punch you once i get to see your face."

"Hey i- wait how do yoh know my name?"

"Hmmm....."

"Wait, your voice.... oh my god are toh Lexa, the front desk girl?"

Lexa winces, "Hi."

Clarke's breathing seems to get slightly faster on the other side of the wall, "are you doing okay over there?"

"Yeah, yeah." A laugh.

"Whats so funny?"

"Ive had a crush on you for ages now. I had no idea it was you on that side."

"What?"

"I havent had a partner in ages. Ive been accumulating sex toys i dont even use at my house for months just to come here and see you. Oh shit that sounds really fucking creepy when i say it out loud doesnt it?"

"A little. But sweet. In a slightly creepy way."

"Oh my god this day could be going better."

"I've had worst ones this week."

"Really?"

"Yeah. But i doubt you eanna hear about it."

"Oh believe me I have nothing but time."

Its about forty minutes before they can get free. Lexa gasps at the amount of cum that leaves her before she sees a small towel being offered to her from the top of the stall door, the watch on the wrist a clear indication its Clarke.

"Sorry, i know its usually hm, a lot."

"Its alright. Idn another circumstances id probably be delighted its so much."

"Im gonna leave the at the counter and go. With extra of course."

"Oh, okay."

There's a throat clearing from the other side of the door, "Bye Lexa. For all its worth, there is no one else id rather be stuck like that with."

Lexa stops cleaning herself to stare at the closed door. She snorts again.

"I really need to stop sounding creepy dont I?"

"Yes. But it had its charm-"

"Im a creepy way." They say in unison before laughing.

"Bye Lexa."

"See ya Clarke."

Lexa listens for the bathroom door to close with a little hesitation.

By the time she's presentable, Clarke is gone and the store is empty. The money sits on the counter with an added 50$ for the whole mess. As Lexa collects the money she finds a paper with a phone number.

"I swear im less creepy face to face. X Clarke"

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

OKAY. SO. i'm going to be directly pulling from the wiki + ttrpg text & abridging some of it. here we go. little bowl of seeds for u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so. the circumstances leading up to the trigger event influence the power granted. half the state of mind, and half the scenario that they're in. taylor was in a situation where she was isolated, blind and powerless and felt like everyone was conspiring against her-- either directly (planning for fucking weeks to get her into the locker) or indirectly (ignoring her inside, not letting her out) etc. she triggered as a master, someone who can see everything and control so many things so exactly and specifically and she has something (her bugs) there for her, in some sort of fucked up companionship, in response to that. the overview is as follows!!

^this is the gist of it!!!!!! the ttrpg also goes into more in depth on many of these-- i won't send u 1 billion screenshots Now (spoilers in the gdocs u r Not allowed in there) but. here r a couple irt the nhw for flavor :}

also holy shit now i can be so so so fucking annoying about Why i gave the nhw the powers i did... i kind of got into it w/ the trigger events. but like. still..!!!!!!!!!!!

OHHHHHHHH MY GOD. HOLY SHIT. YEAH UR RIGHT I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT FROM THE WRONG ANGLE. OH MY GODDDD DUDE . THIS IS SO FUCKING TASTY. MY MIND IS GOING ABT A BILLION MILES AN HOUR RNNNN ohhhh god this got so long i gotta out it under a cut. im having so many thoughts dude

i would LOVE the essay about each of the nhw triggers btw. i can SEE your vision i can FEEL your vision. william feeling so fucking isolated in his hometown leading him to have master powers. his. idk weird relationship with ghosts/monsters/death coupled with his EXTREME near death experience manifesting in his breaker powers. UGHHH thats so good. TRUMP POWERS BEING CAUSED BY DIRECT INVOLVEMENT BY ANOTHER CAPE IN THE TRIGGER EVENT. VIRION WATCHING HIS DAD SLAUGHTER THEIR ENTIRE PARTY/FRIENDS/FAMILY. dakota being lost in the crowd after losing his parents, knowing something bad is happening but not knowing exactly what, catching glimpses of the fight and the blood and the horror but still not fully understanding, not knowing how or if he'll ever find his parents again and that manifesting in his thinker powers. also that zone/quick/farsight thing holy FUCK thats so failsafe. "loss of autonomy, being situationally restricted/overwhelmed" manifesting as sensing people in his immediate environment. "results from tunnel vision in views/character, incorrect perceptions" (can we say dakota damascus hero worship!) manifesting as powers that go beyond the usual senses (fear/pain sense!). i honestly think the Quick part would come more from his second trigger, which is what gives him the Mover powers right? "panic, frantic inability to solve problems, rushed errors" <- not being able to catch katori in time, making the split second decision to fall after her, manifesting as his mover/thinker powers. being able to make those split second decisions midair and Actually Accomplish them, but by the time he triggered they were already too close to the ground and he couldnt save her anyway (<< and theres the tragic irony)

ohhhh i didnt mean to go off so much about failsafe but that just gave me a lot of feelings about his triggers :( ANYWAY THINKING ABOUT ASHE NOW. GOD. OKAY. right now. how are we feeling about Shaker/Breaker. ok ok im having a lot of thoughts here bear with me. idk if u have a more clear trigger for him in mind but the thing ive been thinking about all day since u sent me that first ask is. the call going out to evacuate because simurgh is coming. ashe's mom has to go get him from school and its a mad rush with all of the other parents trying to do the same thing. instead of immediately leaving, they go back to the house for some reason (she forgot something important? maybe her phone so she had no way to contact mark/see if he was okay? idk i havent worked that out yet.) and shes just. running around frantically grabbing things getting ready to leave and ashe is standing in the doorway not knowing what to do or how to help. and its like an earthquake hits. (i just keep thinking about chris's death and how fucking. sudden and brutal it was it has stuck with me for some reason). something big or heavy falls on her and just . immediately crushes either one or both of her legs. totally unable to move. and ashe starts panicking and shes obviously panicking but trying so hard to keep it together not to scare ashe anymore than he already is. and she tells him to go, tells him to follow the other people who are leaving, maybe find one of their neighbors and go with them. (side note here. if she got her phone. i want her to text mark here and tell him to come home. something really short and terrifying and panic inducing that breaks him out of his hesitation. "need help, come home, cant leave" something like that. worlds most miserable man these are the last words he has of his wife aha) ashe doesnt want to leave his mom! hes just a kid he doesnt know what the endbringers are or why theyre so scary or why THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR is so bad!! she keeps telling him not to worry, that dad will meet him there when hes safe, ashe immediately asks something like "but what about you?" and its very. disney movie parent dying level of tragedy. he triggers when she eventually cant hold it together anymore either from the pain or the panic and just starts. screaming at him. ashe you need to go you cant stay here you need to leave me im not coming with you etc etc etc.

ANYWAY. ALL THIS TO SAY. shaker powers come from environmental/ambient danger. i.e. a literal endbringer attack. maybe the house isnt structurally sound anymore but he doesnt want to leave his mom. breaker powers come from . well this is more of me maybe forcing the issue but i want the trickster to be a separate form or something. the abstract stressors here being. he knows something bad is happening but he doesnt know exactly what. he knows his mom cant move but he wants her to be able to so she can leave with him, shes yelling at him telling him to go, he doesnt know where his dad is, he doesnt want to go by himself. etc etc do you feel the vision here. taking this directly from that last paragraph about breakers too but like "knowing a situation is dangerous but not wanting to leave" yknow!!!!! i dont know exactly how this would manifest yet but goddd just. imagining it as something like. his shaker powers are the ones he can actually control and use normally but the trickster/breaker powers is what he turns into in situations similar to his trigger, where someone he loves is in danger. but the irony of it is that he cant really control his actions as the trickster and he just kind of. goes berserk on whatever is around him. absolutely brutal, maybe a little sadistic; its kind of perfect for situations like overlord where they do actually need to kill someone to get out of the situation, but with things like his trigger. well. the only living thing around him was his mom. so . wasnt pretty. is this anything . im in so much pain about this

final FINAL side note. i know we have mark as a cauldron cape but even if we didnt i think both his classifications working so fucking well ESPECIALLY tinker "solutionless problems over long periods, resulting in a crisis moment" what is more of a solutionless problme than knowing you and your son have been marked by the simurgh and deciding that instead of following protocol youre going to say fuck it all and get the two of you out of there by. nuking your entire lives and faking new identities and struggling to bounce back from somehting like that all while knowing the inevitability of. the fact that youve BEEN MARKED BY THE FUCKING SIMURGH. (also striker "results from an immediate threat, usually a single object or individual" hello? coming home to find your son in some demonic berserk state and your wife a bloody mess on the floor all while theres this overbearing scream/singing in your head ??? okayyyyy)

[forestryfae]

man it is SO nice to find a solution to a really shit problem only for 50 other problems to happen

i am completely alone with zero support in a house i hate, doing as much housework as possible so it can be manageable both in day to day life and so its not hard to just leave when i move, and i still am not getting any help getting rid of the stuff.

i have almost no money and i have to pay to take the train to buy food or neccessities and i was dumb enough to not send a letter sooner so i dont know if ill get my money until after christmas or not, i havent bought more than one christmas gift either cus im fucking broke, and i dont feel anywhere in my body that i want to spend time making something for anyone. my brother still isnt done paying me my money back and literally hasnt talked to me since last time he asked for money, my dad hasnt fucking talked to me in ages and the one time he called in summer it was out of boredom to ask when i was gonna visit them, none of my extended relatives talk to me at all so what the fuck is the point there, and my mom is just. a fucking bitch.

i had her removed as a legal guardian, not even on purpose initially but because folkenemnda or whoever sent her a letter before i was able to have a meeting, so she ofc got fucking offended and now has decided sve cant be involved in anything. she cant call electricians, she cant help fix the house, its "too difficult" for her to have to talk to me or my new legal guardian instead of just buying stuff right away, and she told ME to get a new phone service provider. i had to fix that myself. on top of her being, once again, a useless bitch. dont touch my stuff i say, its fucking embarrassing that you have dirty laundry she implies while moving all my furniture around and doing shit to my kitchen while refusing to acknowledge its my house but still treating it like her own, and not fixing the internet again after they unplugged it.

so i have no access to internet besides my last 150 mb of phone data unless i call some guy to fix it, but they wont be here until next year most likely so its pretty much pointless, and if i buy phone data i have to pay. so if i cant get it fixed ill be literally alone for two weeks straight with no people at all around me and noone i can talk to on the internet. except for fucking. christmas. idk about new years eve. and i dont even fucking like my family, i dont even want to spend time with them, they treat me like shit.

the ac doesnt work since mom got the electricians to look at everything but never actually hired anyone to fix shit and now is completely uncooperative. and after they checked the fireplace in that control like two years ago im not allowed to use it, and mom never actually got that fixed either even though shes been in charge of absolutely everything since forever.

plus both heaters downstairs are set to 27c or max and it still is only like 17 or 19 or so, i have an entire room in the house i straight up cant use cus theres no power and no light and 17c in there and its full of stuff i asked mom to take to the thrift store for me 6 months ago. also i cant leave either heater on if im boiling water or washing dishes cus that overloads the entire fucking thing.

and its just like so much bullshit all at once and ive been spacing out for like 2 hours while writing this cus i get so frustrated and upset and angry and sad. its not fucking fair that my parents literally dont care about me, yet im expected to be fucking sociable and call and visit them and reach out. they didnt reach out to me or support me at all when i was a kid, or a teenager, or an adult, why the fuck would i want to deal with them. but if i dont go to visit them on christmas or i point out that hey. youre not really being fair or nice to me at all, hell breaks loose cus i should be more than happy with the crumbs they give me, as if theyre the best people in the world for fucking. calling once every six months or letting me celebrate a holiday with them.

like. im stuck here for 2 weeks, im broke as shit, no connection to the outside world once i use all my data, i very much am still mentally ill even if im better than before i went inpatient. but once i go back ill have to go back to work and i dont have a psychiatrist to talk to and im not on any meds i think i might need and i havent been tested for anything yet, i havent been had driving practice yet, i can barely talk to my support contact, i need a lot more help than i am being given, im not getting the help i ask for when i do ask for it, and thats on top of shit parents and a shit house and two cats i love but am not sure i can keep given the whole thing where im gone for months at a time. and i just. how the fuck am i supposed to be able to keep a job or ever move out or make friends properly or keep a new apartment or house or be mentally stable. its so much bullshit all at once wtf

[pupuseriazag]

Tw: venting (mentions of death trauma, family problems, etc)

I think I am going through another episode like years ago, I have tried my best to keep myself stable and silence the dangerous and panic inducing thoughts but I dont know how much more I will be able to endure.

For those that dont know, I have major anxiety and phobia to death. In 2021 I had to be taken to a psychologist because I broke down in my moms arms, not being able to stop the constant storm of my brain making me panic about how one day Im not going to be here,that I could die any moment and I dont have a guarantee of whats going to happen after that... Its hell, its horrible I love living so much and I know I should already have processed the thoughts... But I cant man. I cant and its horrible to live like this.

I was medicated with anxiety pills (my mom was afraid I could get addicted to antidepression pills until months later another doctor actually prescribed them to me) and ever since I "became better" I've been feeling guilty to ask her to buy me more because I dont want to worry her more.

Before turning 18 I NEVER visioned myself getting to live 24. I cried the early morning I turned 18 because I just didnt knew what to do. I still dont know what to do.

Im at 24 and Im getting let down more and more by life. Situation at home is still shitty and I just... Dont see a way for us to leave here.

Its been 5 fucking years since we began searching for a home to move away from my dad (to clarify: my dad is not physically nor verbally abusive. But he is a cheater, a selfish person and emotionally manipulative jobless liar.) and we cant... We just cant. Everywhere expects you to be paying 400$ a month for a one room apartment or 90k for a home thats falling apart, we cannot afford to move to another departament because of my university and her job. Traffic from other cities like San Marcos, San Martin and even Mejicanos is just too fucking much. Its already too much where we live.

Even if I had a job, we couldnt be able to move somewhere better, we have been stuck here for 5 years, two fucking years taken from covid and 3 to try to stabilize ourselves after that (plus his medical bills after he got kidney stones riiiight after leaving his job, very fucking convenient)

We cant even move to my grandma's or my mom's sister's house. They live on the other side of the country and they have always been very vocal about being against my mom and siding with my dad. And even tho we have the support of some of my dad's sisters... We just cant move to their home.

Everyday I wake up here is like being stuck in a time loop. Every day is the fucking same and I just find a way to distract myself before being yanked back to reality, same with my mom. And you know the worst? I also have to be my moms therapist.

Im tired man, all of this is driving me crazy and the hopelessness I feel when I realize my position is just... Overwhelmingly sad. I hate this life, I hate the life I was given and I hate being brought to a broken family, I hate that my life could have been better if ONLY my dad was not a piece of shit cheating on my mom and putting HIS family side before us, I hate that things could have been so... So much different if only he was a good person. Im not strong enough to continue pretending its not affecting my mental health, no wonder the intrusive thoughts increased these months... These past days.

I feel miserable, I feel worthless, I feel like everything is not worth it. I have insomnia until like 4 am and I panic when I cant find anything I can listen to so I can get some sleep. I havent been able to draw because I dont feel its worth it... I have only been able to distract myself playing and going to uni.

And even putting my family problems aside, I still cant find joy or hope. National news and seeing how this country its being turned into the gringos/politicians playhouse, how even if my life was "better" Im still in danger for being a queer afab person. How people still have blind faith in a fascist regime and money runs lower and lower for the working class meanwhile they proudly announce the inauguration of gentrified beaches and zones of San Salvador, displacing markets and historial establishments to put a fucking starbucks and other multinationals to be more gringo friendly while zones like Apopa and Soyapango are heavily militarized and the police can just say you are linked to the gangs to abuse you.

On top of that coming to terms that I may not end up working in anything art related and having to accept thar if I ever get a job Ill have to rot in an office, seeing how even tho I want to stay away from the norm I feel forced to join it... And that also means having to ""accept my prewritten gender role"".

Everyday that passes feels as if life will force me to live as a straight cis woman or otherwise I will just have to accept being alone the rest of my life.

I know Im being too negative right now, Im letting out how I've been feeling because lately its just been... Too much. Last night I even had a small disagreement with my mom because Im just not in the mood for being her therapist during this we're dealing. I know my dad is an asshole and I know hes using the few money he has to pamper his other woman instead of helping with the bills, I already know he tries to lie to us and acts as the victim. Its tiring to go through the same conversation about him everyday.

So yeah, back to my life... I just wish for some peace you know? I wish for a house where I can actually see the sky from my window and not worrying about at least my family problems. Srry for the sudden emotional explosion

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

[swampgallows]

im going to be brutally honest and say that if i were living in different circumstances i would have definitely checked into a ward by now. i have  barely been able to leave my bed and my body is subtly but constantly trembling. my jaw is feels wired shut almost. im just petrified hardened in place by fear. i cant leave my house often (which is one of the major contributors to why i feel this way, pandemic or not) but if i could leave without constantly being monitored i feel like i would have gone to a hospital by now. i know that they would monitor me there too but thats different. overall i just need to get out of here in general but right now im so worn down i feel like i cant take care of myself which is why i think a ward would help. im pushing my luck more and more by putting off my root canal, i shower on average once a week, i havent been walking my dog because i havent been leaving the house at all, so it’s been affecting her health and happiness too, and i dont want her to suffer from my lacking. yesterday i felt so nauseous and woozy and had such a headache i couldnt even play video games, i just lied in bed in the dark all day until like 10pm. im barely sleeping (as usual) even when i want to, and i dont want to take xanax too often because it makes me nauseous and groggy. im just so worn down. im so exhausted. i cant kee p up this vigilance any more. im tired. i want to fall in love. i want everything to be so radically diferent. i dont know who i am. i havent even gotten to experiment with who i might want to be. i dont knwo what the best version of myself is because i dont know who i am. im mor ean dmore isolated and more and more chained down to this same rut, rusted wheels spinning on the same corroded tracks, im sick of it. i just need everything to change and i dont think it can. and covid darkens it all, my whole future. every single decision i make now has to roll the dice of “will this give me covid? will it kill me when i get it? how sick will i get? will i have a stroke? will i get long covid?” 

i jsutu need one safe place. one place that passes the burrito test. one placew here i can wake up and take a big deep breath and dance around in the room to my music on speakers, bring home nice groceries, use a blender for breakfast, eat better, steam veggies when i want, open all the windows. have a job to do. paint something nice. i want to paint again even if theeres nothing i want to make. even if its paint by number i jst wantt o use paint again. i want to be able to meet people and not have to be afraid. im so tired of being afraid. im so tired of everything holding a gun to my head and then laughing at me because im worried they might pull the trigger

[villanevehaus]

this is kind of random but this has been nagging at me for a little while and i havent been able to format it into like a question?? like i dont even know what my own question about it is but i know theres an answer you know?? but i was wondering if you had thoughts on the last names in sharp objects?? i always thought it was interesting that camille was the only preaker left that wasnt dead, and adora treats her like a stranger even though marian was also a preaker.

[contd] maybe im crazy. but i always thought adoras adherence to the realistic but unrealistic and kind of eerie social construct that literally drowns every woman in wind gap was an integral part in her character that i couldnt quite piece together in a way that clicked. like camilles identity as a preaker vs her mothers as a crellin but also most importantly as something other than a preaker is just hmmmm and i wondered if u noticed that too and/or had thoughts on it ?? - letterboxdanon

OGH yeas i have sooooo many thoughts as you are about to see by the length of this response because camille IS the only preaker!!! alan is both marian and amma's father, but he's just camille's step-father. preaker is adora's maiden name and since she had camille out of wedlock as a 17(18?)yo kid, it's not even the last name of camille's father- but then adora left all that embarrassment behind by marrying alan (still in her teens, also!!! alan sucks!!!) and having marian a few years later. adora cut herself from the preaker name through marriage, a normal thing that often changes women's names, had a child with that new name, and gained a cleaner social standing from doing both. idk why they didn't just erase the preaker name entirely by making camille a crellin but i think alan is so old fashioned that he'd be against giving a child that's not His his last name. maybe it just made it that much easier to hate camille, who knows.

iirc also adoras parents were sooooo pissed about her getting knocked up by some dude as a teen they both died within like a year of camille being born as well?? so adora really did a speedrun from child to mother to orphan to wife to mother of two, and i think for her having a new name and a new child with that new name was a good way to reinvent herself and her image- and isnt windgap aaallllllllllllll about image? changing her name while also continuing to reap the benefits of Preaker Hog Farm TM also means that she gets to almost fossilize?? the name and her family's empire/fortune, bc she still gets money from that.

so like! she treats camille as a stain on the preaker name/line because she literally is one in adora's eyes: she was a mistake, she killed the only other living preakers while retaining the legacy connected to the name- undeservedly- she doesn't adhere to windgap rules (or adora's rules, which are the same honestly), she mourns her sister too loudly, and then she leaves. but its fine, thank god she left, bc now adora gets to continue to reinvent herself and her image with amma and anne nash and natalie keene: adora crellin, that fine woman with her beautiful house and her beautiful roses and her beautiful daughter- bless her heart for helping those girls, especially after losing her first.

and then, camille shows up.

camille is a walking talking violation of adora's reinventation- she's a reminder to adora of her accidental pregnancy, camille's father, the deaths of her parents, the loss of marian- but she's also a reminder to the entire town of wind gap that adora used to be a preaker, too.

[blackvahana]

The current house:

Set in the sky, currently adrift in the amniotic parts of ANVD. Cold castle thing. Its tiered, above the first layer of rooms is a... garden... surrounded by other rooms. Man. realising honestly how much this exists in nonexistence, I programmed it to be hazy as fuck because im not ready for it to be born yet. Either way. We have the bedroom, bed set into the floor, fireplace because its fucking cold. We've the kitchen, theres a. wow. ok. yeah. so much is just. unmade

This was going to be a comparison of the current house and the one channelled from Future-Past ANVD but like. See, I know it's unmade, right? I know it's hazy. Im specifically realising its real hazy. Like its not that its... huh. dont know how to word it. its a matter of it exists, that surprises me, and it exists like it does. its liminal. Ive felt very "whats the point finishing it because itll be done in the future" not as in "something will do it for me" but "my progress is going to be erased when it takes form as it needs to"... lmfao. guess today we're properly making the house

Anyway. We have a bedroom, a central hallway with a water feature and an opening to the upper levels. Farm is liminal and barren - it cant support life by its current moodstate and design, I havent let it. Art room - Lev's partly using it or was going to use it as a study. Kitchen. Need to work on a living room. Theres a floating sort of offshoot i started on but.. admittedly the plans fell through - specifically i was working on it but i needed to surrender to future self. Future self is weaving that and working backwards. Its a hall of mirrors metaphorically, and i think it acts as the gateway through time

From the future ANVD channelling (reaching through and looking lmfao):

The house continues its branching outwards into new buildings like the mirror room, except i believe theres some form of bridges between here and them. Specifically... not proper bridges, but traversible by guests who dont have my ability to float and move through space a-linearly. Theres an actual farm - ugh. something about leylines and positioning and the way the stars align dictating where exactly the farm is, siphoning not the energy but the "things go round" movement to keep the fertility of the plants continuing. The plants are effectively tied to the force of "things go round" that the celestial bodies have more than enough of to continue being fed and such

Theres an art room proper too! thank god. A hall of black mirrors where i do mirror magic - thank. god. i havent been able to do obsidian mirror shit in so long since i stopped using mindspaces. to be able to do it in reality... ugh. its a relief. its a big part of my future toolbelt of. uh. whatever youd call it. things i do. Also better sorted the kitchen to be more efficient. I dont... think... theres a magic room - more so there kinda is a workshop but i imagine in the future Ill have Jayinam made - a mindspace for magic. I feel like theres a gateway to it from the house but we'll see, gateway as in mentally travelling while astral body remains

I have a bunch of things set up in my main mindspace, obsidian mirrors and energy work table and so on, but i made that mindspace for when i die and am confined to the minds of those im an incarnation of so i think i may just leave it for now

Anyway. what else. Theres a. cold storage room in the orbiting buildings? I dont think its purpose has actually settled yet, because its this weird "not a fridge, more like a record-keeping room" in the way of slowing energy decay and major coding changes in items, but its. vague. anyway.

There is also a guest bedroom, at least one. Whether tf and his partners want to have space in anvd or not i think theres a bedroom and living area at least that are dedicated to just them

Theres other things too, but future self is just kind of saying "thats all you get, you have to come see the rest" and. sure. would love to. probably will tomorrow

[fraener]

9/7/24

if i had the time to write, i would have. this past month was one of the hardest ive gone through. i didnt have a day off since before my last entry in here. im listening to stefans piano music in bed now, had dinner, painted for the first time in a really, really long time. it didnt give me the same level of enjoyment as it used to but i think id like to start doing that again every day. i had to leave work early today because my period finally came with a terrible vengance, 20 days late. the stress of the move nearly killed me i think. i lost even more weight im pretty sure, ive never been this thin. im going to try and get my thyroid tested again because im getting very worried about it. h told me he felt like i criticized him too much and was so ungrateful for all his help moving. i am not allowed to have any feelings about what happened in front of him because he feels this way. i told him he was right so hed stop yelling at me. its just yet another thing i cannot rely on him for or trust him for, i dont feel like i ever want to ask his help for anything ever again, at least not that big of a thing. it just doesnt seem like a good idea anymore and im almost glad i never let go of my suspicions around it. im too depressed to really be disappointed or saddened by it. this is just what relationships turn into for me, a strange dance of self suppression when faced with the continuous obstacle of being something foreign and unordinary in the face of what the other person wants and expects. i feel like im speaking a different language to most people. i feel so extant and as i get older it becomes less and less surprising that i feel that way. i wonder what would have happened had i been ordinary or had a shot at seeing the world in an ordinary way. i dont really think i have it in me to keep trying to find someone who will see me and understand me and love me for what and who i am. maybe thats a good thing. i dont really know. i want to lean into my uncommonness again. i am unloveable in my uncommonness, i think, but strong in it. tomorrow i think id like if i am able to go and paint on the hill above the bay and watch the little sailboats go by. for the first time in a long time im feeling reasons to return to myself rather than turn away. what am i here for? what do i like to do? i want to paint, i want to watch other people enjoy learning something new, i want to be included in or witness to someones passions, i want to find my friendship in the nonhuman again. i miss rosie so much. i miss all the animals i cant talk to anymore like ed and zoey. at least rosies still alive. and gigi is too, and tally. so many friends of mine are so far away now. learning over and over that i am so terribly lonely here! i think maybe im beyond sad about h. this hasnt been a very good relationship but i havent been well or strong or brave enough to end it even when its really bad or even when its not so aggressively bad but just so bald faced in its discrepancies that it doesnt make any sense to keep going. for some reason i keep going. for love or habit i do not know. i dont feel loveless like i did with m but i dont feel like the love is enough most days. im tired of writing in my journal about him. i want him to matter less in some ways, maybe just matter less in the darker matters of the heart. i saw o's play and we spent some time together. theyre so magical and i can see so pure as day why we didnt work out. exactly what i admire about them is the thing i cannot stand! funny how it works sometimes. im glad to see them a little again, a year from when we did last. always the end of summer with that one. i miss my apartment, my new house is quiet but lonely without my ghosts. the fellow above the doorframe threw the picture one last time at h while he was scolding me which was really funny but a bit naughty. not that h would know or understand necessarily. yes, tired and lonely. one day soon maybe ill feel a bit better, or at the very least, different.