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sugurusombereyes · 5 months

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you had to kill me but it killed you just the same ; eren yeager

synopsis: spending your pre-teens with eren meant that you would have to somewhat abandon the home that meant it’s meaning, he comes to visit you after you fled without a word of goodbye.

you can aim for my heart go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones.

word count: 4405

contents: eren yeager/reader, implications of sh, implications of depression, some crying, gonna make you want to rip your heart out, mutual pining kinda, reader is kind of a bitch at first, somber ending??

a/n: first fic so please be kind (nobody is going to see this) 🥰🥰 - hopefully no errors bcs it’s 4am rn and icba to read over it <33

november 10th 2002

"do you really believe in that?"

"believe in what?," the boy asks confused as mikasa huffs for the fifth time in counting during this conversation, "the whole deep down thing that you just spent five minutes talking about, keep up yeager."

eren nods in realisation, "yeah i mean i don't think it really exists y'know? you are just what you put out for others to see, i mean why would you project yourself as someone else in front of someone else. if that makes any sense." he mutters the last bit a little quieter than before, "maybe some people just can't be bothered to be fun all the time, you think too much into things eren."

the boy shrugs in return, like he did for everything everyone had disagreed with him on. "okay guys i'll meet you later on, armins over there!," the brunette smiled as she waved the two of you off, both of you murmuring a small 'bye' as she jogs towards the blonde.

it was the day before your birthday, usually you would prepare for a party. buying the decorations months in advanced and telling everyone about how you changed your mind on your cake for the fifth time while they all sigh in return, but you still keep your smile because it's your birthday, one of the best days because it was all about you.

as usual you had training with your best friends, the people that practically saved you from yourself multiple times without knowledge. what more could you ask for?

but this year was different.

your birthday now meant something else, something that made your stomach turn and heart tug whenever someone would even mention your existence.

the anniversary of your mothers death was always hard, but especially hard around your birthday. this was the third one without her but it still made your soul leak with blood, slowly and excruciatingly dripping down as it begins to swallow you whole and spit you out after the wave of grief was somewhat less exhausting than it was initially.

it was harder this time year round because it was another reminder that you were alive and breathing while she was somewhere buried under the ground you were forced to walk on while the creator of your limbs no longer had any attachments to her creation.

the somber silence between you and eren grew cold and warped into the same silence that filled your ears once you heard the news from the same mouth that whispered sweet nothings into your ears when you had accidentally spilled the contents of your brain on him, attempting to wipe it away with your sleeve but continued to spread the mess around you both as the remainder leaked out of your eyes.

"are you going to be doing anything tomorrow?"

he broke the silence, his words immediately turning sour, regretting it as he uttered the wrong words that were always going to be wrong no matter what time they were uttered. eren knew that you were hurting, i mean how could he not?

he noticed the things the others didn't, the way you would immediately tense up whenever someone would ask you something about yourself. it could be the most simplest thing and you would hesitate before answering, almost as if you didn't know who you were, that you were simply a host in a brain that you couldn't find your away around no matter how many times the layout would be explained, yelled at to you and you still wouldn't understand why you felt the way you did.

he noticed the way you would scrunch your eyes closed when you would find something exceptionally funny, your smile radiating love and joy onto the next person and basically forcing them to join in on the shared happiness you faced in the moment. he noticed everything you wanted to say you swallowed, opening your mouth and left with silence as you were talked over or shot a look which would make you divert your gaze to something other than him.

"it made sense," you scratched your head, glancing up at him once and looking back down as you met his eyes full of the stars that you both peered out of your window to look at ever night, not together but was a silent agreement to do whenever one of you felt like you needed to forget who you were.

"before, what you-."

"mhm," he hummed softly in response, cutting you off from re clarifying what you meant. because he knew what you meant, he always did.

the elders would've been pissed if you were late again to another meeting, he sped up walking towards the building as you kept your slow steps, sighing softly as the breeze kissed upon your skin.

"c'mon, let's go. i know you wouldn't want to be late, i mean they wouldn't anyways." eren grabbed your hand, coming off more eager than he intended. but he was quick to make up for it by the soothing swipes back and forth over your bruised knuckles that didn't always mean defending yourself, rather saving yourself from the possibility's of hurt you could inflict upon the protection of your temple that sometimes you wanted to claw off.

you always felt a different type of peace with eren, acceptance almost. i mean you'd been craving it ever since you decided that you could never be destroyed by anything but yourself, over and over again until the desire to not be wounded repeatedly would stop. you felt at home because with him you didn't have to think about yourself and it would hurt less.

he would make you hurt less.

november 10th 2012

"you're fucking joking me," you hiss, burning yourself for the third time this week. cooking was never your forte but you felt like you needed to make somewhat of an effort instead of ordering take out for the third time this week.

i mean you wouldn't order the take out, the poor old woman down the street that was completely oblivious of the real world and it's corruption would order it for you and give you the same sweet smile and offer to come by her house so she can make you an actual meal.

you would always decline politely, pre making a good excuse so she wouldn't feel like you didn't wanted to be around her. you would tell her that you have training once again, you have to get in the extra work due to an injury you faced a few years back. you tell her that you would love to stay but you can't burden your eldian blood, you had come too far to betray yourself for nothing.

she'd then give you that same sweet smile, the smile lines cemented into her skin telling you a story of how she watched her kids get eaten by titans in front of her while she carried the burden of existing. she kept on smiling no matter what, making their favourite dishes, eating them alone and gazing into the empty seats which were once filled by the love that made her home an actual home.

you couldn't break it to the woman that the life you had fed her was completely rotten and was going to poison you both eventually as time went by. you couldn't break it to her that you didn't actually have a boyfriend who was out fighting the remainder titans left and that he hand wrote you letters every week about how much he missed you.

you couldn't find the words to tell her that you were hiding out in this small town in the middle of nowhere because you were most wanted everywhere else, that you had in fact betrayed your eldian blood and went against everything that stood for it because you live with the burden of being yourself.

you couldn't tell her that you weren't living in the colours you painted out for her but were so afraid of losing something, you refused to love anything.

"okay fuck this," you turn off the stove, wiping your hands on your apron and throwing it across the room in frustration. "one more order can't hurt." you murmur, grabbing your flip phone and heading towards the front door.

you let out a sigh before swinging open the door, a softer one this time compared to the one you let out when you realised that you had to create another excuse for the old woman.

"i would say i like what you've done with the place but it just doesn't seem like you."

the plain expression on his face doesn't tell you anything more than you would usually expect it to, he knew that obviously. he knew you.

the sun kissed upon his features perfectly you thought, his green eyes glistening an unsettling sense of normalcy back into your boring brown ones.

his hair was grown out; half of it tied into a bun and the rest flowing down his shoulders, making your brain shift to the times when you would run your fingers through them as he let out the same soft sigh you did before you opened the door.

"well then maybe you don't know me as well as you thought yeager."

yeager

(his heart ached for a split second, the nostalgia of your first interaction turning in his stomach.)

he blinks twice and nods softly, "maybe," he utters so carefully, looking anywhere but the eyes that moulded the way his heart was shaped.

there was something different about him and for once you couldn't pin point what it exactly was. you spend a minute observing him, the faint smile lines that reminded you of the time you both laughed till your eyes were red from crying.

he knew what you were doing and observed back, the faint scar that laid upon your right cheekbone that was more defined than the last time he saw you, the shadow of it spilling out the grey novembers you spent alone.

"i'm not inviting you in," you step to the side, letting a small portion of the cold house spill out upon his vision. "i know you wouldn't." you swear the corners of his lips turned up for a second, letting a bit of warmth into your living situation.

(you couldn't call it a home because you were without the thing that stopped your heart from permanently longing)

eren walks in slowly, turning his head to the burnt smell that wafted throughout your house, mentally smiling at your failure at cooking.

i mean he wasn't surprised, why would he be? he couldn't help but let his mind drift off to the times you both talked about your future, and how you were adamant on not living together because apparently he'll get sick of you.

(he could never imagine a universe where he wouldn't want to be by your side)

but then you'd change your mind and remember how responsible he was, and then he'd remind you that you couldn't eat take out everyday after the world faced peace. then you'd decide that you both would live together so he would cook for you and not result in you dying from an extremely high cholesterol level.

(you'd then ask him to spell cholesterol and he'd quickly change the subject)

"you have anything to drink?," he took his hands out of his pockets and darted his eyes to your sink, "not really." you murmur, clearing your throat to make him look back at you, just for you to glance somewhere else.

you were afraid that if eren looked too long he would notice the brush strokes that were smudged over and over to make who you were, that the longer he looked he would realise that you weren't painted as carefully and softly as the others were.

(he didn't care for softness, only for you)

he hummed in response, walking towards the rusty sink and pouring himself a glass of water. "m'kind of hungry, you?," he cleared his throat, setting the glass down and facing you from across the room.

"nah- but make yourself at home," you raise a hand towards the burnt mess on the stray pan. you found yourself playing along and liking the narrative he wrote out for you as soon as his warmth leaked into your home.

"perfect," he chirps in response, he was turned around but you could still hear the small smile in his words.

sending a pang to your heart.

a tender moment passes, eren looks around the kitchen leading into the living room, finding his eyes softening at the sage coloured curtains.

the only part of your home that felt like you.

everything else was bland, beige and black. rusted or a little scratched up, i mean he knew you weren't going to stay here forever but he assumed the interior would be a bit more put together.

"you can't stay," you almost declare to him, knowing it was the obvious but saying it to make it clear.

he couldn't stay because you weren't allowing him.

(not like that ever stopped him before)

"busy?"

he turned his head, swiftly turning on his heel and walking slowly towards you. eren knows you aren't busy, but he's just asking to create conversation. he doesn't know why, but then again nothing didn't need to mean something.

you had to bite back a laugh at the comment he made, it was almost comedic that eren had showed up. you were most wanted everywhere except this small town that was full of abandoned houses, something out of a horror movie he thought as he arrived there. but it didn't matter, after all you had moved there for a reason, the same reason that he longed to find out even though he knew somewhat of the answer.

"yeah, something like that."

you start to walk to the counter top, standing behind it as a shield or something. but you didn't need a shield, you never did, if anything you felt like the whole world needed one against you. like the worse possible thing in the world was to know you, for someone to let you in their life.

but eren thought the complete opposite, he had reminded you that knowing you was one of the greatest blessings anyone could earn.

(he'd told you when he thought you were sleeping, you weren't.)

eren had tagged along behind you, the creaking of the stool he sat on interrupting the soft silence that settled every time you both avoided eye contact.

the last years you had been gone were the hardest on him, well not harder than losing his mother or having to tell you that his father was the reason for you to lose yours. he'd found himself coming out of his room and looking at the stars every night to soothe him from the loss he'd experienced; soothed from the idea that maybe you were looking at them at the same time as him, that you hadn't left him because you'd lost sense in his words.

you had to kill him but it killed you just the same, the day you left wasn't easy for you either. everyone had made assumptions that all of a sudden you were a monster, a villain from the famous story's that erens father would tell you to scare you both into training.

the day you left you didn't feel the same amount of relief that washed over you when you had come to the conclusion that the elimination of your existence wouldn't matter to anyone, but it had covered your wet skin in dirt and mud.

the debris coating your skin like erens warmth once did when you were covered in snow during winter.

but it wasn't winter when you left, it was summer and you were left with burns from this external heat which you never asked for, you never needed to ask for his warmth because it would always come at the times you didn't know you needed it.

"eren-."

"i didn't ever think of you as someone who enjoyed small towns," he cut you off so carefully, you see eren knew what he was doing and you knew it too. it reminded you of the time when you found him crying, hot tears flowing down his cheeks as he tried to catch the breath he had been chasing ever since he experienced loss for the first time.

you sat beside him and handed him a pack of tissues you stole from armin.

he had a cold but you didn't really care.

you asked him what has happened and he immediately changed the subject, talking about how black absorbs heat so you shouldn't be wearing it out on such a nice day.

you'd then scoff at the comment, if it were such a nice day then why was he upset? eren would then talk about the colours you should wear instead because black would make you tired, not knowing that darkness was all you ever knew and you didn't really give a fuck about what colour to wear on a hot day because you had been absorbing everyone's exhaustion whenever they'd felt like acknowledging you.

but you would never play along like everybody else, you would gnaw at him for the root reason why he was changing the subject until you got the answer. no matter how much blood would be splattered around you both, mixed with tears and venom he spat out while dodging your question, burning your skin that was once burnt but not in the same way he hurt you.

"why are you here yeager?," you spat out, coming off more poisonous than you expected. venom spewing onto his clothes and burning small holes into it and branding his skin with your words.

(only the thing was that he didn't mind, if anything it was you so who was he to complain?)

he huffed and darted his eyes to your knuckles, "this doesn't suit you," he was looking into your eyes now, his gaze flickering back to the scar.

"and when have i ever cared about what suits me or not?"

he lets out a small laugh, looking down at his shoes. eren wasn't a fool, he knew that this had to come to an end and that your facade would also.

another moment passed, but it didn't have the same tenderness it had before you started talking. you didn't want to understand why eren was still in your kitchen, why he drank your tap water without letting it run to cold, why he attempted to make conversation with you and why he was smiling.

you didn't understand why you had to be the one hunted down, you knew it was your fault but why didn't anyone want to understand your actions and what drove you to insanity?

you'd ask these questions to the night sky, hoping one of the stars would talk back and explain that they see how you sob over what you destroy and how you begged the empty sky for everything stop but then pick up the dagger and dig your future back into your skin, while begging your hand to put it down.

you wanted the stars to tell you that they won't keep on inventing you and accusing but stop and take the dagger from your trembling hands, holding them in their warm grip while you wouldn't have to beg for your brain to stop.

"y'know it rained on the day you left."

he uttered so casually, looking at you as you dodged his eyes again. "not for long," you said a little quieter than you needed to.

"yeah, it stopped at night," eren murmured, he got up from the stool and rubbed invisible dust off of his trousers.

"the stars looked beautiful that night."

"i didn't see them that night," he breathed, a little twinge of annoyance in it, sending a hot flush surging through your veins. your expression wavers at the slightest as well as his hard gaze upon a face that he's slowly starting to not recognise.

he lied.

the night you left eren sat in the rain and gazed at the stars, but you already knew that. it didn't rain that night, if anything there was a cool breeze, sending a wave of nostalgia over your skin as you couldn't help but let your mind wander to the times you both would lay on the grass upon a safe silence.

eren breathed again but a little louder this time, the corners of his lips turning up into the same smile he plastered on before his eyes started to water and his ears turned red.

"don't ask it."

"but i need to know," erens voice wavered, his eyes pleading you to not swallow everything this time but vomit it up upon the kitchen counter. spilling onto the floor and onto him as well if it were more than you intended to get rid of. he would clean it up with a perfectly clean rag, well not perfect i mean it had broken threads but nothing compared to the putrid smell of all of the burning rage left inside you.

you shake your head no at his words, at the break of his voice that immediately sent pangs to your heart, wrapping around your heart and squeezing it till it nearly exploded.

"so what, you want me to forget all of this? forget you and move on, you know me-."

"i knew you."

you cut him off immediately, your voice overpowering him as he stood up, scoffing at your words. "don't do that."

"don't pretend like you don't know me, like we didn't spend birthdays together and fucking- watched the stars with me whenever i felt like the world was going to end." he threw his hands at his sides, unclenching the fists that he didn't know were drawing blood as you gave him nothing but silence.

"well it didn't- the world is perfectly fine and-."

"oh and you are?" he cut you off again, his sharp tone slashing back into the scars which you both had riddled from your preteens. "you're perfectly fine?" eren almost mocked you in his tone, his eyebrows expressing more than you could once questioned on your stability.

you spoon fed him with nothing but your silence, it speaking a whole lot more than your fake excuse of re clarifying what he just said. you couldn't afford to choke up anymore chunks of hurt around you both so you kept quiet, the best thing you were good at.

"i wish you knew me when my hair was long."

you cleared your throat once again, wiping your hands on your trousers and brushing your short length hair from your shoulders.

"i look for your laugh whenever i find something funny."

"i was kind, and didn't care about a single thing. i would be running around and jumping with joy- for like no reason." you breathe out, smiling at the thought.

you hadn't smiled like that for a long time.

"the knowing of your existence would've been enough for-."

"i wish you would've known me when i kept on failing on the maneuverer gear, the way i would flip upside down and my head bleeding from it, being scraped over and over until i accepted my fate."

you snickered at the old memory, "everyone would then flick the scab and some would even make it bleed- believe it or not," you smile looking up at him, "but you would've stole a plaster from shadis and took the blame immediately."

he stood there with nothing to say, well not exactly nothing but he couldn't find the words upon the waves that crashed over the both you with the things he wished he would've said.

"i wish you knew me when i liked myself a little better then i do now," your voice broke at the word 'little', playing a sad smile upon your lips that he couldn't bare to look at.

you don't find any point in looking away from eren, he stood there without the words that you wanted to hear him say. tears flooded your eyes and down your cheeks, you didn't bother to wipe them away because he was already heading towards you.

"i don't need to know your long hair to know who you are now," he whispered, his voice cracking as you shook your head. his warm hands moulding your cheeks, absorbing your tears and the reopening of the wounds that he helped close.

his thumb swiped your ongoing tears, rivers of longing and nothing but shaking fists as your teeth grind at the thought of you once were; who everyone painted you out to be once again.

your head dropped into his chest, the smell of nostalgia washing over you like the relief that did once you realised that eren was in fact watching you when your head dropped onto the wooden table you ate on. that it wasn't just tiredness but the exhaustion of being reminded that you are still you after all this time; that you didn't magically transform into someone else and still were left with the brain you were cursed with the minute you were born.

"we have to go," his hands found his way to your back, drawing lazy circles to soothe the raw open wound inside of you, "i know." your voice broke again, breathing heavily as he rubbed your back softly.

rustling outside of your house echoed inside, you knew what was coming for you wasn't the life you painted out for the sweet old lady that rambled on about the family she once had.

"they wouldn't want us to be late." his voice broke, tightening his grip on your body.

(you hate physical contact only because you knew that they would have to let go at some point.)

"i think i can make an exception this time." you smiled into his chest, nuzzling your head into him and hoping to never have to lift your head and face your fate.

he hummed in response, hearing the small smile in it as you felt his tears drip onto your shirt, burning through the material and leaving holes of grief of those who aren't really dead branded onto your skin.

now you wish you would've taken the home cooked meal.

#eren yeager #aot #attack on titan #levi ackerman #mikasa ackerman #anime #eren x reader #eren yeager hurt/comfort #eren jeager x reader

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thoseyoulove · 1 month

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Reacting to The Vampire Lestat - Part V (with a bit of spoilers and maybe important quotes?)

Armand!

YAY!

Okay, what the hell is happening?

??????

Seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?

Am I lost because I'm reading the Brazilian Portuguese version and maybe it's not properly translated?

*Downloads an English PDF copy* Yeah, this isn't much better and it looks like it was poorly transcript.

I'm still not sure I'm following...

Well

Whatever

I still like this anyway?

Also, I can see I'll have to read at least this book twice anyway. Maybe more or even the whole chronicles.

Because since Armand showed up I'm DEVOURING this and I can see myself maybe missing a few details... I'll need to read it slower and savor it in the future. I also assume that knowing more of the lore will give me perspective on a future read.

Armand is never boring.

Still my favorite character. :) Let's hope nothing ever ruins that. :) /hj

Not one Lesmand/Armandstat interaction is wasted tbh, I don't care if they're vibing or hating each other's guts, they're always A MOMENT™.

Let's hope nothing ever ruins that. :) /hj

They also have some pretty valid and intriguing conversations, really.

The impression I get is that they want to stay close, but deep down know it's better not to because they're so messed-up and would be even more messed-up as friends or else (and maybe it's the or at least one of the reasons why they attract each other?), but there's some frustration in that acknowledgement too. Like, doing something because you should is not the same as doing it because you want to and... Well.

I mean, there's more I could say, but this is the short version of how I generally feel about them lol.

Can't wait to see all of this on season 3.

Assad is right, I want Armand to be unhinged too. So glad we're on the same page about all thigs Armand ever and that the spirit of Armand posses Assad on a daily basis so he can play him 100% the way I imagine him. SMILING THROUGH IT ALL, CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS MY LIFE RN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm also ready for more Lestat (Armand's version) and finally some Armand (Lestat's version). Let the battle begin. I wonder who will be more insufferable.

Little bit of Armand's back story. :/ I wanna put him in a bubble.

I don't really think I'll be interested in Marius, tbh.

Anyway... He's not here yet.

Gabrielle jumps from roofs like Cat Woman and Armand quickly and silently vanishes from places like Batman. I hope we keep the Gotham-esque vibes of these scenes. I think it's super cool tbh.

I also love seeing Armand talking to people telepathically? Feels so much deeper and kind of poetic, idk. Not to mention is such a cool concept. I hope the show explores more of that.

Also, when he stops blocking his thoughts and let's someone peek at his thoughts it feels intimate? And not necessarily romantic or anything like that, but just like, "hey, this is a little piece of my soul, I'm sharing it with you". Or maybe I'm too romantic and trying to find the beauty in everything lol.

But then he finally speaks out loud and it feels deeper and more meaningful as well? I don't know. Maybe I'm becoming insane.

Lestat went like 3 pages without mentioning Armand's beauty. I'm proud of him.

Nevermind, now he is mentioning it 50 times per sentence. Even more than he did before. It's like he regretted it and it's making up for lost time lmao.

Some of the words Lestat has used to describe Armand so far: beautiful, sublime, ethereal, exquisite, perfect, soft, saint, angel (there's more, but it's been so many synonyms for beautiful I can't remember... still, you get the point). Not to mention comparing him to a Caravaggio and Da Vinci paintings.

I feel like he'll run out of words to describe him pretty soon.

I guess we all feel pretty (not) normal about Armand.

This is also ruining it for me, because if someone doesn't describe me as "irresistibly beautiful" then what is even the point, really...

And it's not like they're a couple or anything, SO??? STOP!!!

They're not lovers, they're not friends, they're not enemies, they're a fourth and more sinister thing that not even them can classify, let alone my mere mortal self.

Anyway, I hope Lestat will be even more annoying describing Louis. He set the bar too high now.

I wonder if Louis appears (for a significant amount of time) on this book.

I hope so, but I don't know.

"But I was so glad it was finished. So glad that we could go on. Yet I held to the bars for a long time just looking at the distant woods, and the dim glow far beyond that the city made upon the lowering clouds. And the grief I felt was not only for the loss of him, it was for Nicki, and for Paris, and for myself." This is sad...

"So let him be your patron saint if you need it" LMFAOOOOOO.

Is Gabrielle wrong, though?

NO, SHE ISN'T!

Just have fun with your immortality instead of going on an uncertain quest to find Marius? Stop being stupid???

You'll probably just find danger or disappointment. Or both.

LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF REASON, LESTAT!

"And the sense of grief came back to me, the realization that we were really going, that it was finished with Nicolas and finished with the Children of Darkness and their leader, and I wouldn't see Paris again, or anything familiar to me, for years and years. And for all my desire to be free, I wanted to weep." So, he finally starts making a life for himself away from his abusive family. Then, he is forcefully turned into a vampire, has to live this double life with mortals, without ever being able to be completely open, honest and have real, deep relationships with them. Later, he turns Gabrielle, Nicki, meets Armand and the other of his kind, but they're all so troubled or with completely different interests... And it's clear as a day that they can't stay together anymore, he's slowly coming to the realization he's losing everything and everyone he knows and will soon be alone again... I'm (not) fine.

Also, this is so BPD-coded of him. He's had these pretty sad and traumatic moments, but he never allowed himself to feel those emotions for too long, he always found stuff to distract himself with, tried to see the "the good side" of things, embrace them, be positive instead etc, but you can only ignore it so much until it becomes such a big problem you can't possibly avoid anymore. And then the emotion hits 9483958345x harder than it would have if you processed things properly and had better coping mechanisms. Like, I get him, but OMG. Get him some vampire therapist.

Btw, Armand feels pretty BPD-coded too.

I also heard somewhere that Armand is a Scorpio?

And Lestat is another BPD Scorpio...

That would explain A LOT actually lmao.

End of "The Vampire Armand" chapter and they're parting ways.

So I guess I'll just rot and die, then?

Or...

...Armand will return in the worst possible way lmao.

I tried to find a gif of 2x05 saying "everything is fine!" to represent how I'm feeling right now, but failed, so consider it done anyway. Everything is (not) fine!

#interview with the vampire #lesmand #armandstat #not sure if this is good btw but i did it once and people interacted with the post so now i feel like i need to keep doing it?#i'm kind of serious about following patterns and hate breaking them so i have to keep this going now but hopefully it's still fun to people

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all-things-are-nothing-to-me · 10 days

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Hello. Forgive if this is a tad weird, but I was just wondering why you are into zines and if there are more effective ways of activism? (I don’t think activism is the word I am searching for but propaganda also feels wrong and preachy. but a bit of preachiness is necessary, right?)

I come from a leftist punk background and have been in such bands for not very long. Recently I got into anti civ circles and found music scenes (even vegan straight edge, the scene I’m central to rn) to be very reductive and more about consuming and creating than actioning anything meaningful. Accessibility seems like a big issue as well which I think zines address well.

I was wondering if you think efforts would be best suited towards other things like making zines (something I have also been doing for a little while), or if I am only going to be reaching the audience who already has an interest in these things? What drew you to zines over other methods of ‘activism?’ I’ve also dabbled in sticker slapping, street art, tree spiking, but nothing too radical as of yet. Is this the right way to approach it? I just want to do everything I can to live in accordance with what I believe.

I was an ancom from 2002-2012. I did the other types of organizing for years. I didn't get burned out, I more or less grew to hate leftists and leftism. As to what drew me to zines specifically, idk. I've been collecting them since I was a teen. I have literally thousands of them. I do know why I keep printing and distributing them tho. Zines can be very direct and are less intimidating than books to baby anarchists.

I bring zines to where kids are. People who don't even know what a zine is will come up and grab some. I was homeless for years, so I'm very comfortable with talking to strangers and have the patience to not be offended by people's ignorance. Trust, I got plenty of practice with insane homebums.

I can't tell you what is the right way to go about it. I don't have many friends who still identify with the left and their modes of organizing but I have no problem working with those who do. Just don't ask me to attend any meetings or marches. It took me years to come to the post/anti left side. But I don't regret my time as a left anarchist. I did lots of cool worthwhile stuff, now I do things for me and my friends, without the mass movement even being considered.

Plus zines are fun to make and can be as wingnutty as you.

Anyways, don't rush it. You can learn from your mistakes and still do cool stuff.

Stay vegan, stay edge, live free.

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brandwhorestarscream · 9 months

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Cybermorph au( Armada)

What if we change the "dead" to "badly injured"? I saw some fans do this

The result would still be Megatron having a reality check with what happened

I'm sad and cranky rn so I'm taking it out on Starscream

I don't remember all the exact details of his death but I do know he's generally hailed as a martyr. Sacrificed himself for the greater good and all that. I'm gonna twist it juuust a bit: he has every intention to die and not just because he thinks it's a necessity. That is part of it, yes, but I like to imagine all the countless years of utter-indifference-to-downright-cruelty from Megatron has made it so he just... doesn't want to be alive anymore. He's a nuisance, an unwanted mistake: he's never done anything to help his hive and his carrier doesn't seem to love him at all. He's tolerated only because their species is already critically endangered. He's a bad morph. He's cripplingly lonely and sad. Cybermorphs are social creatures that need bonds to be healthy, and Starscream just. Doesn't have it. His mental state has spiralled out of control and has finally manifested in the ultimate amalgamation of self loathing and isolation: suicidal ideation.

He's eager--no, desperate--for the pain to finally end. And deep down, more than anything, he hopes dying to save everyone will finally, finally, earn him his carrier's pride and maybe some of his love. It's all he wants. All he's ever wanted.

He's gotten really good at filtering out his own thoughts from the hivemind over the years. Doesn't want to burden them with his angst. But as he's about to throw himself into the metaphorical fire, his filters crack and then dissolve all together: he wants them to know they won't have to tolerate him anymore, and that he's doing it for them. For him. He truly, genuinely hopes this will make his carrier happy.

Megatron suddenly freezes during his final stand off with Optimus. Prime manages to get a hit in and sends him skidding back, but notices the cybermorph queen isn't really looking at him anymore. His face has gone slack, optics wide and horrified, then he promptly turns on a dime and takes off like a bat out of hell, bellowing Starscream's name.

It's too late, though. He can't stop his foolish little morphling even with his most powerful and desperate command as the queen.

He arrives just in time to see him drop, collapsing limp and charred and terrifyingly still, his presnece from the hivemind gone and sparkpulse so faint he seems doomed to blip out before Megatron can even get his hands on him. I'm headcannoning this scene to be similar to the frozen river in Wolf Children--desperate and regretful mother shaking him, hysterical and panicking, begging him to wake up and open his optics. Megatron's lost morphlings before, so, so many before, but not like this. Never like this. They all died at the hands of the autobots, be it in battle or during the early war nest raids. This is new, this is fresh, a special kind of grief and terror he's never been subjected to before. His very last morphling just tried to kill himself. He's shocked. He's horrified. He doesn't know what to do.

Through the power of fanfic and extremely resilient cybermorphs bodies, Starscream survives, but barely. He's in a coma for several decacycles after the fact. There's extensive bodywork to put him back together and stabilize him, but he's still in critical condition. While he's unconscious, he doesn't dream. He doesn't hear anything of the outside world. There's no sensation, no feeling, no nothing. Just the abyss.

When he finally reawakens, he's very disoriented. So stiff he can't even bend his fingers at first, optics open a single micrometer and flinching against even the low light of his recovery chamber. Everything hurts. Everything. Ventilating hurts. Blinking hurts. Trying to turn his neck to look around hurts. Tears bubble up in his optics and he starts very softly sobbing, in agony and disappointed in himself all at once.

What will the queen say? He's going to be in so much trouble. How can he be such a failure that he can't even die properly?! Did they win? Are they safe? He doesn't remember, he doesn't know-

Anxiety and panic bloom in his chassis and he's about 2 seconds away from a whole ass nervous breakdown in his hospital bed.

Then, suddenly, the door opens

His helm jerks to the side to look and white hot pain flares throughout his entire body, lacing down his main spinal strut and setting fire to every single nerve ending and sensory diode in his body. It's too much and he's helpless to stop himself from crying harder, especially when he sees who's just arrived.

The cybermorph queen himself has arrived and Starscream flinches back, trying so hard to cower away from him but his body won't move the way he wants it to, he's so stiff and it hurts so bad and oh stars Megatron's going to kill him for this-

He's expecting a lot of things. For his carrier to yell at him. To ream him the worst he's ever experienced. To be banished from the hive for being so reckless and stupid, or to just be eaten for his transgression. The cybermorphs have never been cannibalistic before, but he wouldn't be surprised if that was deemed a fitting punishment for royally screwing up as much as he has. He's expecting to be ridiculed, hated, screamed at.

He's expecting anything, honestly, aside from what happens. He is in no way shape or form expecting his carrier to cross the room in a single second and throw all 4 arms around him (I uh. Recently found out xenomorph queens have 4 arms. Didn't notice that until 2 days ago. Whoops)

Starscream gasps, shock pulsing through his entire body. He's never been held like this before, never been held at all: his secondary arms are both grasping at his shoulders, holding him close. Main arms have one wrapped around his back, the other cradling his helm and tucking his face close against the queen's chassis.

He's trilling, chirping, blubbering in cybermorph speak. My Starscream, my little morph, I'm so sorry, forgive your foolish carrier for not realizing how you felt. I'm so glad you're alright, I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, but you're safe now. You're ok.

The first time he's ever been held by his carrier. The first time he's ever been spoken to so gently. The first time he's ever been told that he is loved. He doesn't have it in him to be angry, or to feel betrayed: he's so exhausted and in so much agonizing pain, all he can do is melt into the warm embrace and cry. It's the sort of crying wherein every sound is visceral, wet and painful, pouring out every bit of loneliness and devestation and every horrible thing he's had to endure over the years. He clings on, desperately, to Megatron's frame, begging him to say it again. To swear it to be true, that it's really over, that he's never going to have to feel like this again. The queen promises it easily, and holds him tight enough to dent the entire time. Purring at his last remaining morphling, swearing to protect and properly love him forever going forward. Maybe Starscream's connection to the emotional hivemind was weak, maybe it had grown numb in war, but he'd never been privvy to these feelings before. Megatron blames himself and vows to never, ever allow these mistakes to repeat.

...

I'm gonna cut this here cuz it's getting long and I'm tired. This may be exceptionally ooc but I really can't be hecked to care. If you want a follow up of this, uhhh just ask. If you have more thoughts, send em. Im going back to bed lmfao

#am i projecting cuz i don't have a good relationship with my mother and desperately wish i did??#why yes. yes i am. sue me #if my mom wont love me i can at least make starscreams mom love him #cybermorph au #megatron #starscream #oh and #cw suicidal ideation

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nut-in-me-jojo · 1 year

Text

Always Will Be - Chp.9

Pairing: Yan!Gyutaro x Fem!Reader Chapter: 9 Series Warnings: NSFW, extreme depictions of death, extreme violence, dead dove don’t eat, forced relationship, yandere, non/dubious consent, kidnapping, degradation, slut shaming, stockholm syndrome, poverty, dacryphilia, misogyny, dumbification, (If you don’t like dark yandere’s this story isn’t for you.) Word Count: 2.9K Summary: Gyutaro has lived for over a century now, still plagued by memories of the past and haunted by its ghost. You are one of his only two regrets.

IMPORTANT CHAPTER NOTES:

I’m letting y’all know rn that there is an implied sex scene between minors (Yuna and Gyutaro) However, I decided to make this a “fade to black” situation, meaning there is nothing graphic regarding that scene. This scene is here because as the author, I find this event to be critical in conveying the nature of the relationship Yuna and Gyutaro had with one another to my readers. You have all been warned so I don’t want to hear SHIT about it.

Chapter Song:

Now, please enjoy✨

You knew this room to be unknown, yet familiar all the same. There was little to no light, only the soft gleam of the moon that crept inside through an open window, casting shadows across the shoebox of a room and the small pieces of furniture it held. There weren’t many, but you noticed how very dated they looked to be.

Someone sat crouched before you, the darkness obscuring their face from view, but the moonlight had just enough give to illuminate the outline of their wavy tresses and their messy topknot.

You didn’t need more to know exactly who it was. Startled by the intrusion, you instinctively wanted to cry out. But no sound came.

You wanted to ask your frightening regular of a customer what he was doing here in—what you suddenly considered to be—your room at this hour. What he wanted. If he was going to hurt you again. But none of those words slipped from your mouth.

Your lips felt sealed tight all this time despite your wishes. But they moved on their own as you whispered out in a hushed tone.

“You shouldn’t be here Gyu-Chan.”

“No, you shouldn’t be here.” Came your customers crackled whisper.

“You need to go, we’ll be in so much trouble if we’re caught.” You tried again.

“We won’t be if we’re not caught.”

You let out a huff, reluctantly accepting that he would not be leaving as you had advised.

“Are you doing alright?” He asked pensively.

“Yeah…I’m ok. It’s just like that bastard said, baths, a bed, and plenty to eat.” You replied solemnly.

“Have they made you…”

“No, not yet. But soon they will…they’ve already been talking about sending me to the harimise…to the highest bidder.”

The top-knotted figure shifted in his seat.

“This is all my fault, Yuna..” his scratchy voice lowed, “if I hadn’t been so fucking weak you’d still be-“

He was cut off as your lips slotted against his in one of the most loving kisses you’d ever bestowed in your life. Worlds different from any kiss you’d shared with customers.

“Shhh,” you hushed him as you withdrew, “you know it couldn’t be helped. And I’d do it again a hundred times over to save your life. I’m going to work hard here. I’m going to work so hard that Ume will never have to come to this place. I’ll get us enough money and we’ll leave and never come back just like we promised.” You assured him gently.

His lips pursed tightly. He knew you were putting on a strong face for him. He saw how you cried that day, how terrified you had been about almost being taken. How you started making Ume hold your hand anywhere she went. All those nights you’d sleep holding him tighter than usual. This place was Yuna’s idea of hell on Earth.

With each word you spoke, every name he had ever been called etched themselves deeper.

Worm. Dim-wit. Sad sack. Coward. Good-for-nothing.

All these names and then some combined weren’t enough to label something like him. Why couldn’t those men have killed him that day before she showed up. Had he just died then, there was a chance that those thugs would have given up their chase. Sure, she and Ume might have been upset. But he knew Yuna would take care of her for him. They would have been better off. If he had just died maybe she wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t have this cross to bear. To know that he was why.

“My life isn’t worth yours…it’s not-“ a stifled sob leaving him as his guilt overwhelmed him and his composure dissolved despite your words. “I’m not worth your purity Yuna, I’m fucking worthless I’m not deserving of such sacrifice, I’m not-“

Your lips cut his off once more before they trailed to string kisses along each birthmark on his face. He was silent with the exception of a few sniffles as he let you kiss him how you pleased. “You are worth my purity, Gyu-Chan.” You cooed sweetly into his ear.

He shuddered under your hot breath, it took him a few seconds to realize what you had meant. He only stared off as you kept kissing his marks over. “You…don’t mean that.” He whispered out.

“Gyu-Chan please, I don’t want my first time to be with someone I don’t know.” Now it was your turn to cry as your voice threatened to crack. “I want it to be with someone I love. I want to have a choice in at least just this one thing…so please, will you be my first?”

Gyutaro sat back on his haunches, dumbstruck by what you were implying. In one way, there’s nothing he could’ve possibly wanted more in this world. In another, the very thought made him want to crawl out of his own skin.

Someone like you should never be tainted by something like him. The only reason you’re asking him is because of a simple shit-hand you’d been given in life. Had you been born in a normal life with a good family, you’d never even look at him. And you’d certainly never willingly lose your virginity to him. This isn’t real, none of this could be-

You’d been sitting there studying his expression and you knew he was gearing to retreat, so you grabbed ahold of his boney and calloused hands that you had come to love so dearly. “Please Gyu-Chan, my heart couldn’t take it if you say no.”

“This…isn’t right.” He muttered out.

Tears welled in your eyes once again as he was already making quick work of breaking your heart. “How is it not right? It couldn’t possibly be more perfect.” You warbled. “I-I promise no one else has ever touched me I-“

“I don’t care about that. I just shouldn’t touch you is all.”

Your brows knit as you grew more determined. “Gyu-Chan you are the only one I’ve loved since the day we met. I asked to be your friend because I wanted to. And now I ask you to be my first because I want you to be.”

Gyutaro merely sat in place, his gaze shifting from your breaking one to his lap, downcast and unconvinced.

All his life, he had lived by a saying. To take before you are taken from. He had put it upon himself to teach Ume as well as Yuna this. He felt this phrase, this teaching, would keep them safe. It was all he had known, it’s what the world itself had conditioned him to believe.

But yet, Gyutaro felt it vile for the likes of him to take something so precious from Yuna. He’d never been in this position before, never had to take from her before. Because despite his best efforts, Yuna had never quite grasped his philosophy. The way she ever so faithfully shared all she had with him and his sister proved it. Her food was their food. Their tears were her tears. Her love was their love.

She gave all she could no matter how little it may have been. And it wasn’t until now that Gyutaro realized he didn’t live up to his own motto either, because he had always done the same for her.

He had always wanted many things in this life. But was always mercilessly denied them. Deep down the one thing he wanted above all else was to love and be loved. Something he felt he could never understand no matter how much he desired it because it would never authentically be his.

Yuna may not realize it, but he did, she didn’t mean what she was asking. She didn’t want him. How could she? How could anyone? It felt unfair to deny her of her request, what right did he have to tell her no when her situation was his own fault?

Ever such an opportunist, it went against Gyutaro’s nature to not take advantage. He felt any scraps that came his way were the least this world could do for him and he would take without a second thought.

But not her.

Ripping his hands from yours, he briskly made way to the window he’d snuck in through. You didn’t know what you were doing. He couldn’t rectify your fate here. He couldn’t go back and keep you from having ever met him and change any of this. All he could do now was keep you from making an even further mistake on him.

He was always quick on his feet. But you had always been neck to neck with him. He froze as your firm grip clasped the back of his obi.

“Gyutaro…”

A shiver ran down his spine as his full name left your lips, a rarity to say the least.

“You can go if you really want to…but first I want you to ask yourself, when have I ever asked anything from you?”

He was silent, though his arm remained outstretched to his exit.

“More importantly, when have I ever lied to you?”

Gyutaro’s muscles finally laxed slightly as he was forced to reflect.

“I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m too stupid, too naive to make my own choices. That I don’t know what I’m saying. Am I right or am I right?”

His unyielding silence being broken by your half-hearted chuckles. “I know, I know you so well huh?”

“Yuna-“ He tried to interject.

“What hurts is that I thought you would know me well enough by now to know that if I’d ask something of you, I must know…but you doubt me because you doubt yourself so much. That’s not fair to me.”

His hand finally dropped from the windowsill to his side as you circled around to face him. “What more do I have to do to prove that I love you, Gyu-Chan?”

He swallowed thickly as your gaze held his. “You…really love me?” His voice nearly inaudible.

Raising to your tiptoes to meet his towering height, your lips meshed with his. His arms instinctively wrapping around you to seize everything he’d ever wanted, as if it would slip away just as soon as it had appeared.

Nose to nose, you withdrew to answer him properly. “When have I ever lied to you?” You repeated.

This time, you were met by no resistance as you guided him back to your bed.

It was starting to dawn on Gyutaro that maybe he’d had his desire the entire time. That maybe this wasn’t by chance, but in fact he was chosen. Whether it was only wishful thinking or not he didn’t care. For the first time, all the hate and doubt in his heart parted just enough for him to believe right now. That for once, it was fortunes turn.

“I promise…you’re the only person I want to touch me.” You vowed, guiding one of his hands to rest atop your thigh. “I think we deserve to have what we want…just once.”

Gyutaro felt as if she had read his mind. She must have. For things to make so much sense in this moment. For his love for her to eclipse his hate for himself. For his twisted gangly body to feel so destined against her sublime curves on this quiet night that they both could almost believe was anywhere but here.

Your eyes shot open as you sat straight up in bed. You were in your room again. Your real room.

You sat there dumbly as you stared out into your room, almost as if it was expected to provide you some sort of explanation. But you had only woken with far more questions than answers.

But as your breathing and heart rate steadied themselves, the real answer became clear. It was just a dream.

Thoughts overflowing as you scour your psyche for any answer as to why you would dream of this man you feared so much. Had it been just a flatout nightmare, it would’ve made more sense than…

Your cheeks burned hot with shame as you thought over what you had asked of him in your dream.

God, you were sick.

You knew you were by how deep inside, you wished that’s how things could’ve been for you.

Your dream hadn’t been just a dream nor a nightmare, but rather a dirty disgusting fantasy your subconscious had chose to torture you with.

You knew what was happening here and you couldn’t stomach it. You were growing fond of your customer.

You knew it by how you suddenly found yourself praying to any god that would listen to bring him back to you. And how you pleaded to them, telling them that “soon” wouldn’t be soon enough in your eyes.

What had changed? What had happened to you? Since when does sucking a man off ever do this to you?

Having decided you had wasted enough time by now, you got up and folded away your bed. You had chores to do around the house before it was time to get to real work for the night.

But as you carried on with your day, not once did he leave your thoughts. As you polished floors, prepped vegetables for lunch, and scrubbed dishes; he lingered in the back of your mind. No matter where you went, you couldn’t shake the feeling of his gaze on you. At any moment, you felt that the second you’d blink he’d be at your side with that same mystifying speed of his, glowering down at you like always.

All day your mind asked the same things. Anxiety would come in the form of, “Will he come tonight? What if I upset him again? Will he hurt me?”

But a thought that somehow felt even worse came, what if he didn’t show up tonight? Not just tonight, but ever again. Where would that leave you? Back at square one, forced to entertain any and all men that were willing to pay up no matter how old or disgusting they may be.

Why were you this pathetic? So lowly that you’d think this new sir of yours was such a better alternative to any other patron. This man had insulted you, threatened you, choked you, and had practically forced himself down your throat. It wasn’t just his words and actions that scared you so much, there was something about his presence alone that just reeked of danger. You had felt it from that first night you saw him in the harimise. He frightened you more than anyone ever had. So why?

As you carried on with your chores, you were too busy toiling away with your thoughts that you didn’t even notice all the whispers behind your back or the way everyone kept out of your path. Everyone else had heard of what was to come for you tonight. Except for you of course.

You were met by your reflection as you got ready for the night. Splotches of violet littered your neck that hurt just as bad as they looked. The knowledge that you had walked around like this all day burned at your ears. Perhaps if you weren’t so sick in the head, these bruises would serve as a bitter reminder of him. But with his pollution of your mind, they were just another present of his, a weighty necklace of rubies and amethyst he had left you. A sound mind would have called it for what it was. A collar.

About now you’d normally do your best to paint over them, but he’d made it very clear that he did not like the make-up. And he’d made it even more clear about the repercussions of doing something he didn’t like. You wondered briefly if you should abandon ship with the lipstick before your thoughts jumped to something else.

The perfume.

God forbid what would happen should you fail again to put on that perfume he generously gifted you. You clamored to grab it out of your drawers, best to put it on now lest you forget.

As the perfume set into your skin and clothes you let out a heavy sigh, one less thing to upset him was crossed off the list.

You checked yourself over and over again to ensure you hadn’t forgotten anything—or worse—done something you shouldn’t have when a detail of your dream suddenly came into focus.

Gyutaro

That was what you had called him.

Surely, that couldn’t really be his name right? It was hardly a name and more like a title.

Debt-collector

If it truly was his name, you wondered if he was some symbol of your karma. Perhaps you had done something so horrible that he was now here to collect from you. Whatever sin you could have committed for such punishment, you had no idea.

Without much thought, you watched as you uttered the name to your reflection. It formed easily on your tongue yet the name felt to be a curse just as much as a prayer.

You’d whispered it with both hope and dread that it would somehow summon him.

The emptiness that rushed you as he failed to manifest before your eyes was nauseating.

With nothing left to do, you were just about to force yourself to put on your nicer “work” kimono when the screech of your paper door slamming across in its tracks cut through the room like a knife. Your stomach flipped in both fear and a twisted sense of glee as you assumed it to be him. But as you whipped your head around, you were met by the sight of something you’d come to understand very soon was something far worse.

I TOLD y’all I hadn’t lost interest in writing this🥳

I’m sooooooooooooo sorry for how long it took me to write this, but I had a whole lot of life happen to me within this (almost) year it’s taken me to post lol.

One cool thing that happened in my absence is that I met the one and only Brandon McInnis. He’s a real nice guy, I told him I had to get his autograph since I write for Gyutaro and told him about this fic and he laughed and told me he’d check it out. I almost really hope he doesn’t😅 could you imagine? He’d be like “that girl was sweet but god damn she is FERAL” lmaooooooo I have his autograph posted on my tumblr if you wanna see! He had his artwork for his Gyutaro autographs custom made by an artist, he said he told them to make him “disturbingly attractive” and they really delivered I tell ya hwat lmfao

Anyway, I’m so very glad to be back!

#gyutaro #demon slayer #gyutaro x reader #yandere gyutaro #gyutaro shabana #gyutaro x y/n #kimetsu no yaiba gyuutarou #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer gyutaro #kny gyuutaro #gyutaro x you #yandere demon slayer #demon slayer x reader #kny x reader #demon slayer fanfic #demon slayer x female reader #gyutaro kny

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thewayhavenchronicle · 1 year

Note

Hey! First, I’m so sorry to hear abt the menstrual pain!! Periods are the worst especially when you’ve got really bad cramps :((

So for distractions! For the otp ask, if you’re answering the questions themselves how about 41-45 for Ruth x Ava? Or if you want something to expand into a fic, one of any of those!

I hope you feel better soon!

thank youuuu have. many ava/ruth fluff snippets ;w;

41. Which one would take their jacket it off and drape over the other one because they were visibly shivering?

Ruth nearly jumps out of her skin when something heavy and warm settles over her bare shoulders -- though she almost immediately feels silly as strong, familiar hands settle on her shoulders and then run down her arms, sending warmth washing over her in their wake.

Tired after the weird charity gala the Agency had talked them into attending, she leans back until her head is resting on Ava's shoulder.

Ava says nothing, arms settling around her with a soft contented sigh.

They'll have to leave eventually -- definitely have to say goodbye to the investors and the Council and whoever else she'd been introduced to tonight before she's truly off the hook -- but she doesn't care.

For now, they are both content to stand in the moonlight and watch it dance on the pond and fountain below them.

And that's enough.

42. What's their favorite type of weather to enjoy together? (getting snowed in together, watching thunderstorms, etc.)

Ruth loves the summer in Wayhaven.

It's a strange sentence to think, even to herself, as summers had always been the worst part of the year when she was growing up nearby. All that time having to find things to do to stay away from her home when her dad was home, all that time having to face the fact that she didn't really have friends -- it had been miserable.

Now, it's the best time of year for her to talk Ava into spending time with her, just the two of them.

And Ruth isn't sure she's ever happier than she is when she's on the open road with Ava, wind in her hair, casting adoring glances at Ava's beautiful profile.

They always drive to the same place -- a cliff overlooking the sea. It's more remote than the park they'd first gone to, so Ava is always so much more comfortable to sit close beside her, shoulders brushing with every breath they take. When the sun finally sets, they often stay a little longer, lying back in the grass and watching the stars and talking about... anything. Nothing. Everything.

The way Ava smiles when they're alone like that feels just like the summer sun on her skin -- sends that same warmth washing over her like a hot shower, until all she can feel is that twinge of joy and pride that comes with being able to make Ava smile, even a little.

...she's in far, far too deep to fight this now, but she can't find it in her to regret a single second of it.

43. Who would give their life for the other without a second thought?

Oh, they both would. This fact makes both of them very upset. Don't feel like writing the angst rn but IT'S COMING in my fic eventually.

44. Who would dance in the kitchen making dinner? Would the other join in or watch from the doorway?

Ruth nearly startles when Ava's arms slide around her waist, though she laughs as she tilts her head to give Ava access as she presses a line of kisses to Ruth's throat.

Ruth had been humming along to the music playing from her laptop as she cooked dinner, aware of the Commander in the next room keeping an eye out for her, but uncaring enough to actually change her plans for the night. They'd been getting closer recently, crossing that unspoken line between friends and.... something else more and more.

She's still not used to the amount of pleasure she gets from such simple, soft kisses as Ava rests her chin on Ruth's shoulder and begins to sway to the music.

"...you're so beautiful," murmurs her lover, nose brushing at the corner of her jaw. "I adore you completely."

Ruth shivers visibly in Ava's arms, making them both laugh.

"You buttering me up for something, Commanding Agent?" Ruth asks, but there's no malice in it, only a gentle tease that makes Ava chuckle.

"No," Ava says truthfully, swaying a little more meaningfully, a little more purposefully now. "I just wanted to be near you."

Ruth's heart squeezes painfully in her chest, but she smiles anyway, turning her head to press a kiss to Ava's cheek.

They don't say anything else for a long while, though eventually Ruth does move her meal off of the stove and they dance a little more formally. Ava's eyes are unbelievably soft as she twirls Ruth around the little kitchen in her tiny apartment and for a little while, nothing else in the world exists but the two of them and the hazy glow of contentment surrounding them.

45. Can they fall asleep without the other?

Ruth nearly shrieks when a pair of arms wrap around her in her sleep.

The stranger crawling into her bed pauses, pulling away a little and mumbling half-asleep apologies, and the familiar lilt of a soft British accent makes her relax again. Ava sinks into the mattress behind her, burying her face in the back of her neck, muscles heavy with tension that slowly seeps from her frame as she breathes in the smell of Ruth's skin.

"...alright?" Ruth asks after a moment, too sleepy to ask a full question, patting gently at Ava's hand settled on the mattress next to her stomach.

Ava sighs, curling around her a little more. "Bad dream. I'm fine now."

Ruth hums, and a distant part of her investigator mind does a few quick calculations. She knows vampires don't sleep much, but Ava's done this every few days for the past week or so now.

"Having a lot of bad dreams lately," she breathes.

She can feel Ava frown against the back of her neck as the arm around her waist tightens even more.

"...very observant of you, Detective," Ava mumbles at length, though there's a playfulness somewhere in her voice that makes Ruth snort.

Shifting so that she can lie on her back, she coaxes Ava to rest her head on her chest, slipping her fingers against the back of her neck and stroking gently as her other hand settles against Ava's upper arm, thumb lazily running back and forth against her skin where her sleeve has rolled up.

Ava melts into her and Ruth grins into the darkness. Sleep begins to tug at her again, but she mumbles with the last of her awareness, "I've got you. Sleep."

Whatever Ava mumbles in response is lost as Ruth drifts off again, though she thinks it might have been French.

...

"Je t'aime, mon cœur."

#ava x ruth #my writing #twc ava #twc detective #ava du mortain

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tkblythofficial · 3 months

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Do you think the interest in Zeglyth is also dying now that T is working more and R is being R?

I have to defend my girl here!

Initially? Yes, the interest has died down since Feb. R overreacted to the shipping months ago but she probably regrets that now. It’s not a big deal tbh. I know a lot of people got turned off from her behavior (including myself temporarily and it forced a rebrand of the blog) BUT I think she realizes that shipping is apart of fandoms and has calmed down A LOT.

No one likes being perceived and if she’s going to be chronically online/in her own fandom, she either needs to stop talking about T/zeglyth altogether so we go away permanently or just embrace it. She chose to do the latter. I think it’s a good thing! I know she called us inappropriate at one point but nothing bad was truly said about Zeglyth here lol

People started shipping T with other women (Hannah, JV, Nuria (who’s known as NV now), AL, and some other random actresses I can’t remember rn lol) because they’re less online and more “stable” for shipping purposes. It started as a joke but people took it seriously since R was acting crazy. Some people still haven’t forgiven her for the tantrums in February/March but I’ve moved on from it.

As for “R is being R” I honestly think she’s been fine since mid May lol. So almost a month where I think her online activity has been OK. And since Twitter hide likes last week, she appears less online (she’s not but still lol) and that helps her imo. Rn she’s focusing on SW reshoots and Broadway. I know she’s still using Snapchat but I honestly would rather she keep her shenanigans/daily updates on there than on Twitter or IG.

As for the current interest in Zeglyth, it’s lessen due to:

1. They haven’t been seen together since April (although she’s talked about him since then)

2. People naturally move on

3. People are still mad at R for her behavior

4. T is offline so people have moved on from him too. Not many but people get bored so easily now

5. People want to see T with other actresses (my PERSONAL opinion is he’s going to be shipped with many others but the chemistry won’t be the same. He has chemistry with NV for example but does it keep me up at night like Zeglyth once did? No. I suspect that T will have the same normal chemistry with other actresses but it won’t live up to Zeglyth / snowbaird. Same thing with R).

Me? I’m still seated at the restaurant but Zeglyth doesn’t keep me up anymore lol. I use to stay up until 3 AM for updates on them…not anymore 😴

#my answers #zeglyth

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arrenlebanen777 · 2 years

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LIFE OBSERVATIONS ❁❁❁

I see a lot of men crying about women/female nature and how they were manipulated/cheated/ betrayed and then they go to the gym to grow from pain, but they only become colder/ narcissistic/ egotistical and this stupid villain archetype that gets you pretty empty arguing and crying about women's bodycount/ their loose s*x lives/etc... But the stupidest thing is that the highest percentage of humans who consume p*rn, onlyfans, and all that shit are men, WTF?, if you see that this is happening it is mostly because we are allowing it. if men were really picky(mature), if we learned to manage our s*xual energy better, if we became more sensitive to life and less to our egos(minds), if we find something more transcendental than our beliefs/thoughts/feelings, and we become really clear about what we want from life/relationships and know what our real needs are...well, nothing of this would be happening. This whole issue of relationships/dating is something quite psychological and energetic, women are looking for the father figure that they did not have or had but is no longer in their lives in other mens, looking for the father archetype’s in each man (someone economically stable, independent, emotionally intelligent, funny, masculine, strong, wise, attractive, adventurous) and let me tell you that this is called: Divine masculine (the same thing happens with men). Why do men only look for s*x? Because if they unconsciously/instinctively see that a woman has nothing more to contribute/offer to a relationship other than demands and s*x, then they will only look for what gives them pleasure the most, that is s*x, and then they will forget about her / this goes both ways, and this my friends is called “Hookup Culture”. The funny thing is that as long men and women don't find something more transcendental than society, Ego, their minds and themselves... they will only continue to become more perverted, stupid, with shitty mental health’s, making decisions they regret, s*xually dirty /nasty because they don't know anything more transcendental than that. Also i noticed that depressed people are mostly sensitive people who don’t fit in with the superficialities of the society/world and well, traumas, childhood issues and all that too. Another thing, therapy is a very powerful / important but delicate process, so trying to do therapy on your own is like trying to do surgery on your own, because you are treating something very important but delicate that is your mind/mental health. Also therapy can make you really attractive, not the attractiveness of the Ego or Narcissism but genuinely attractiveness, Yes you can do the route of Ego attractiveness, it’s Okay, nothing is stopping you but see how it goes on the long run, it could make you feel very empty and is a really really hard working process, and therapy is a healing process, but you have to know how to go to therapy and this is where people stagnate or do not have good “results”, because many go to therapy just because they want to heal or be treated but they do not know very well what they need/want to heal, so my recommendation is to make a list of things that you want to treat in therapy, because that will open the doors and possibilities of your deep healing. So don't do things like self-diagnose and stuff like that because it's a pretty stupid move for your evolution/process. Another thing, if someone did you wrong or did hurt you your job is take care of yourself, of course you could talk with your friends about the issue and with your therapist, but is not your job destroying the life of that person, actually that is very nasty and it leads nowhere, because starting to destroy/expose the lives of the people who hurt you so that other people practically destroy them, you are committing a horrible crime, you are practically leaving no room for error and growth, which is part of human nature, you are practically using again the tyrannical practices that the Nazis did, yes I know it is painful, but your job is to take care of yourself, heal and move on, not destroy someone else's life, and if you think they should pay, believe me they will pay, Saturn will take care of that, don't worry. 🌿If you wanna see more posts like this, tell me on the comments<3🌿

#life #therapy #healing #astro community #spirituality #spiritual journey #spiritualawakening #spiritualgrowth #healing process #life process #astrology blog #saturn

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decompose1 · 2 years

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Hi there petra! Im sorry if im sounding weird rn or smth i know we haven't interacted that much at all aside from that object show analysis server and ig i can say i had been admiring you from afar but i cant stop but being amazed with the work you have done specially when it comes to analyzing taco and microphone

Im somebody who is heavily invested into taco's character and her relationship with mic and your analysis and points of view gives me a better description of them and their relationship and it helped me a lot to understand it better

Which is also why i want to share you my thoughts abt her since i think you are one of the people who would hear me out

And is that,,,i just love this british woman alright? And i love telling people how SCREWED her mental health is because of the game, she is literally alone atm she has anybody she cant rely on, th3 only thing she can rely on right now is inanimate insanity because at the end of the day that show is the only thing she feels she has left on her miserable life which worsens her mental stability, she needs somebody to help her, somebody she can rely on, somebody who lends her a hand, somebody who loved and cared for her like mic did, somebody who can direct her to the right track

Because she is lost and disoriented in this world, and the only thing she can do is stick to her plan, because after all what else can she do? What else can she do after she lost the only person who took the time to actually understand her and didn't got inmediatly pushed away for her real self? And the only thing she feels she can do? Continue, continue with her plan,she cant do nothing more, because she already lost it all

Mic leaving her HURTED her and im 100% more than pickle, because mic understood her, mic cared for her, mic didn't inmediatly got pushed away by her true self, mic trusted her and had faith for her

And that's what hurts her the most, that the only one you could possibly rely on its now gone just like the rest of people around you

She is hurt and miserable again, but i feel the fact that mic leave was needed for her character to start growing, like you say millions of times she'll probably so one final mistake before breaking down but i feel mic leaving her was the first step for her to atleast for a second realizing how much she screwed things up

Taco is not only hurting the ones she cares for she is hurting herself as well in the process

And i think that's one of the most tragic things of her character, the isolation, the despair, the guilt, the regret

This girl desperatly NEEDS help,she NEEDS somebody to put her on her place, she NEEDS somebody who she can rely on and that puts her on an actual good track

She needs somebody to call her out and show her how much she is not only hurting the ones she loves but also how MUCH she is hurting herself

Taco is badly damaging herself and badly and she needs somebody to make her see that, she is blind, she is lonely, she just needs somebody to lend her a hand

And make her see

All the crap that she had done

And how much the entire show is affecting her

And depsite all of the things i say i just CANT hate her, this girl is going through already many guilt for me to put more weights on her shoulders and despite all what she did i really want her to get the happy endibg she secretly awaits for.

[Side note:its so funny to me how microphone is like my highest ii kin and how much im invested into taco's character and how i cant hate her and i actually took my time to understand her just like mic did, this woman deserves a break and many hugs and im willing to give her that sbebeeh i just hope mic and taco can make the amends maybe taco getting her redemption arc apologizing to mic AND pickle, spending some time at the hotel, mic and her becoming friends again, and after that catching feelings for eachpther and everyone happy DJDHDH but srs tysm for making me understand even more taco and mic relationship i hope both sides of your pillow are cold tonight :] bye bye for now! Hope we can talk more abt mic and taco and their relstionship sometime soon and i hope you have a great day/afternoon/night goodbye again and see you later!]

oh i'm so sorry it took me a moment to get to this! what a delightful ask to get as i was coming back from the con!!

I think this is a really apt read of her, for sure! I absolutely agree she needs that sort of influence/reinforcement in her life right now. I think she's burning a lot of bridges in a sort of wild, desperate attempt to make it so this wasn't for nothing- she wants the prize, because i think, at this point, she worries that if she doesn't get it, she will have hurt all these people for no reason. She lost Pickle and Mic for no reason. And i think that's something really scary for her, this loss of control and the idea that she really DOESN'T know what she's doing and it WASN'T worth it.

Taco is a very complex character, and i adore her dearly. She's definitely one of my all-time favorite characters, so i'm super glad to hear you like my read of her!!!! :']

sidenote: you never have to apologize for sending me character analysis rambles! i always enjoy it :D

#character analysis #long post #inanimate insanity #ii taco

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