#and i have my art stream tomorrow dAMNIT

[smolsix]

LITTLE NIGHTMARES IS GETTING A SEQUEL

sorry no crop im trash w obs and cropping chrome is such a paiN IN THE ASS--

[i do swear btw, idk if i get loUD THO it happened.... so fast.......]

[tresh-boat]

Alright here goes.

My dad texted me and my sister this morning saying that we were "talking shit about him behind his back" when we weren't. The day goes by relatively alright until he got home. He tells me and my sister to sit down and immediately puts us on the spot asking if we have anything to say to him, going back to us talking shit behind his back because apparently our stepmother said we were. Forgot to mention, we're afraid of our dad because he used to hit us when we were younger and has recently said that he would start hitting us again because we "don't listen." He then started screaming at us asking if we wanted to be horrified of him like him and his brother were horrified of their dad. He then went on to yell about how if they messed something up when they were young they would be terrified for when he got home. We were then asked if we had any school work and we responded with yes. A little bit later our dad is going through an email that is sent out every week to tell the parent what missing work the child has. He was going through what was on the email and he told us that if we didn't do our school work then he would take away our art supplies. My sister had enough of our art stuff being taken away so she closed hed book and went to storm out to the kitchen. Our dad asked her what she was doing and she said with tears streaming down her face that she was going to throw her art book away and give up art because she was tired of it being dangled over our heads. What does our dad do in response? Scream at her saying to not guilt trip him, if he did that when he was younger his dad would've hit him upsides the head with it and take it out to the burn barrel, and after all of that he says "cry me a river." While he was screaming earlier he asked us if we wanted him to act like his dad and had the fucking audacity to tell my sister "why are you crying? I didn't even hit you yet." YET is what I was focused on. Thankfully she wasn't hit, but she was still lead to believe she was going to be hit. I want to mention this too, on the first week of school I didn't get a lot of school work done because I was used to just not doing it. Me, my sister, and my stepbrother are then yelled at about doing school work and after he's done yelling at us he was saying something I can't really remember, but he tells us "I love you." It hardly seems like it with the way you yell at us.

Hopefully I'll be able to go over to my great aunt's tomorrow and watch a few movies with her, but god damnit I hate it here. I just want to live with my aunt. She doesn't judge us, she never yelled at us, and has never hit us.

Sorry if this brought anyone down. I just wanted to get this off my chest, but since I don't have anyone to talk to I figured I could just do it here. I'm trying to cheer myself up by drawing some Muppets and I was gonna watch some of the original show later if I'm not too tired. I might delete this by morning so that way if they want to check my phone they won't see this.

[wolfenwingsshop]

WHOOOOOOF

SO BIG POST Y’ALL.

My Rockman X Anniversary Collection Soundtrack made it in today! Many thanks to my beloved husband Zeekun for getting this for me while I finished my shift up at work. (It was registered air-mail, so I had to send someone to sign for it for me!) Ok, so right into it- there is SO much going on here and I may have to make double-posts to fit it all in.

So since I ordered the ‘First Press’ I got a special sleeve that had that AMAZING ARTWORK of the four hunters all doing their little gig (I still swear that image of X on the special sleeve alone was worth the 40 dollars I paid to get this thing. I love seeing him happy, damnit.) Inside the sleeve is the CD in it’s standard packaging.

The tambourine wielding Met is still present too! Considering I once cosplayed as a giant Met at a few Otakons, and when I was in WAS we had a ‘pet’ Metool we named ‘Tooley’, it’s kinda like my past was coming back to greet me. Can I be considered the Met? I will gladly shake a little tambourine around if I get to jam with X. C’mon now.

So there’s no way they didn’t know some of us were going to import the CD. Why would you include the forward from singer/writer of the English version of Re;Future IN ENGLISH if you didn’t expect non-Japanese people to import it?! THE FACT THAT SHE’S AN X FANGIRL MAKES ME GIDDY AS SHIT.

The art in the booklet is basically CD-sized versions of the art for MMXLC 1 and 2 and then some of the Mavericks behind the CD... The CD itself though... Hoooo nelly..

Ok, easily, this is the most gawddamned beautiful CD I now own. It’s got metallic blue circuitry accents and X in full without that text over him and-- NNNNHhhhggg... I can’t. This was so worth it. And the crazy thing was, when I first found out about the CD and saw the original image of them all playing and performing, I was like “God, fuggin’ a. What if they did a Miku/Squid-Sisters like concert and literally had hologram versions of them play at a real venue?” For whatever reason, I could imagine X staring at the crowd with his guitar with a happy, slightly cocky grin-- and then later when I got into that MM Media Creators discord and found THIS IMAGE it was literally what I saw in my head just days before and admittedly I LOST MY SHIT. This happens to me wayyyy too frequently but that is another time. @_@;; Anyhow-- what I was hoping for- aside X being.. well, X, and making wolfens nosebleed everywhere-- were the english lyrics for Re;Future.

SO AGAIN IN TYPICAL CAPCOM FASHION- They had their Localization director write/translate Re;Future from Japanese to English and then later sing it as well. From what I understand, they also had some issues with recording and it lost some audio quality, some of which they had t manually restore- but from what I understand, Miss Hsu is not a native English speaker so there’s some mispronunciations here and there. Zero and I were trying to get lyrics down for DAYS but we kept mis-guessing what was being said- so since my CD was in the states on Sunday night, we decided to wait till we had official lyrics. SO glad we did, cause I think our ‘hints’ at X9 lie in this song and it’s lyrics.

At first, with the ‘blasting through anything’, especially given you have to use X to blast through the credits to get this song to unlock and play, I was like “OK, THIS IS X SINGING. Well not literally BUT IT’S HIS PERSPECTIVE.” This has happened before, RockmanHolic’s Re:Loaded was sung from X’s perspective even though it was a girl singing. So there’s that.

Then as I was listening, I was mis-hearing lyrics, I was thinking she was saying ‘purple crystal’ and ‘purple heart’ which made me think of Iris- especially if you play X Challenge mode volume 1 and get to the final fight- I was like “OMFG, what if we’re getting Iris back for X9?!” That may still happen based on X Challenge mode, but still. Everything else just coincided with X so strongly, so I was still torn. Plus, the achievement you get for unlocking Re;Future is called “Identity Erased”... And given we have new Giga Armor toys where X has a Rush of his own and in MvCI he slides just like Classic’s Rock does, Iiii.. I’m starting to wonder if we’re looking at the starts of a Retcon and they’re going to confirm X and Rock are one and the same. I’ve got other stuff that points at that, I’m working on a video explaining it all, so when I’m done I’ll explain more. Anyhow...

I figure if anyone wants a crack, here’s the Japanese lyrics. I can’t read a lick of ‘em (legit, only things I can read in Japanese are “Rockman”, “X”, and “Zero”. That. Is. It.) so if like, Sky or anybody else who has knowledge wants to see if they match up to the English lyrics, be my guest! My friend Alkaid of over-ti.me already has these, so I’m sure she’s probably gonna be getting her buddies in to take a crack at these sometime soon. For now, I wrote-out the English lyrics if you guys wanna copy-paste them, etc. Fragments of me lie in the darkness waiting to be found All I see around me are shadows, No matter how I may try, and so I keep on looking to find a light that will guide me, I won't give up the fight Why am I here? What is my purpose?

Running for all I'm worth, I shout Reaching ahead I throw my arms to the wind Even if it takes all I have, With the last of my voice I'll cry...... I'll call with all of my soul

This sparkling uncontainable light Spilling over a brand new world Its brightness dazzles, dizzying and blinding But I don't wanna close my eyes or look away All these boundless feelings Cascading over a brand new world I'll keep them with me for just a little bit longer I'll keep them safe here until the next world arrives

At long last I found my answers waiting in the darkness I know why I'm here and my purpose I won't return to that loneliness, and so I'll keep pushing onwards Blasting through anything that tries to stand in my way I will fight, I will! Even by myself or for a barren world

Two lights shine brightly showing me the way, and I take courage the they have given me to fight for what I truly believe Nothing can stop me!

Running for all I'm worth, I shout Reaching ahead, I throw my arms to the wind Even if it takes all I have, With the last of my voice I'll cry...... I'll call with all of my soul

This strongly beating hopeful heart Filled to the brim by a brand new world Through people's kindness it learned of warmth and yet It wasn't whole until it learned what peace was at last This utopic brand new world Filled to the brim with hopeful light There's no going back -- not for me, there's only forwards Until that day when the world of our dreams arrives

Whew. Huuuge post! Thanks guys! Wolfie out! ^_^ Now, remember, we plan on streaming more MMXLC tonight and tomorrow, over at my Twitch Channel (twitch.tv/wolfshadow6) so feel free to drop over tonight or tomorrow! Zero and I plan on going through all the games and getting ALL the achievements!

[jo-the-schmo]

I found the missing text for Show Me, still don’t know how this happened but oh well

You felt groggy, you didn’t want to get up. Your head felt heavy against the soft cushion supporting it. You opened your eyes and stretched out, the room was dim but not dark, the sun had to have been setting. You looked down at your arms and noticed that they were bare, your night dress has sleeves so this perplexed you slightly. And that’s when you realized that you weren’t in your room, taking a nap after an eventful day. You were on the couch, in the study, with a blanket draped over you. You winced quietly as you sat up, your body sore. Your arms pressed the blanket to your body to ensure coverage. The memories of what happened earlier that day waved over you. The voices rang through your brain cells. A symphony of  ‘yes’ crescendoed through your mind. Your face flushed a pure red as you thought back on it. Did I...Did I really just… You looked down at the ground and saw your clothes scattered around, along with a piece of paper the couch you were seated at. You picked it up and recognized the handwriting inside.

 My dearest, Titania,

 As I write this letter to you, I am sitting at my desk while you lay near by.  I have glanced over at you from time to time while trying to decide what words must be said. The soft sounds of your breath are truly musical in nature, I can only imagine the beat of your heart goes the same. Your cheeks are stained with the color of the setting sun, even in rest you are passionate it seems. Only the Lord knows how much I long to hold you in my arms, I surely must be foul. How is it that a man of my age may lust after such a young woman? I believe it is your mind that has done me in. Although you are quite beautiful, your intellect is a work of art. I shall tell everyone that you are out on an errand for me, I eagerly await your return. But please, do be cautious.

                                                                                               Sincerely, A.Ham

 You put the page down and quickly got dressed, hiding the note inside your bodice once you did so. You tried to fix your appearance as best you could and tried to think of a way to leave the room. I can’t go out the study door, someone might see me. You looked over at the window. All the things that happen in college movies are happening when I can’t be in college. You unlatched it heaved yourself over the edge, landing on the grass outside. Ow! You stumbled a bit and straightened your posture. You walked over to the door and let yourself inside, no one was in the main room so you checked the dining room and everyone was sitting. They appeared to be in a better mood. Alex and Eliza were smiling at each other and felt something at the pit of your stomach. Philip was the first one to notice you.

“My star! I’m so glad you’re back! How was town?” He stood up from his seat and walked over to you, a wide smile on his face. You felt odd.

“It was...fine.” You looked over at Alex, he gave you his normal, pleasant expression. Eliza was grinning widely.

“Dear! You missed everything! Alexander and I have decided to go upstate with the children this winter!” She exclaimed. That feeling burrowing inside of you only grew.

“Oh...that’s wonderful!” You said with fake excitement.

“Are you okay, star? You look pale…” Philip seemed worried.

“Yeah, I’m alright...I think I just need to rest for a bit…” You looked back over at Alex, you couldn’t read his expression. “Mr. Hamilton, I checked the study before I came in, I’ll organize your papers tomorrow.” You said curtly before turning around and rushing off to your room. You wedged the door shut with your desk chair. That feeling finally identified itself to you. Loathing. That perfectly horrible mixture of anger and sadness and regret. You crumbled to the floor, hugging your knees and tears streaming down your face. The worst part was that you couldn’t figure out why you were crying. Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! You’re so stupid! You had unbelievably fucked up. You couldn’t blame anyone but yourself for that. Did Alex really care? Were you just a fling? A coping mechanism? A lot of things made more sense when you asked those questions. You betrayed the people who cared about you, with someone who cared about you. I’m the mistress now… Eventually, your cries lulled you to a deep slumber.

The next day, you left your room reluctantly. You knew you couldn’t stay in there forever. On your way down, you ran into something.

“Titania? Are you alright? Your eyes are all red…” Alex asked, placing his hand on your cheek. You couldn’t help but flinch at the feeling.

“I’m fine, Mr. Hamilton.” You pushed his hand away, he looked confused.

“You’re obviously not, you only call me ‘Mr. Hamilton’ when something’s wrong.”

“I have to go help Angie get ready, please excuse me.” You ran past him, he tried to stop you but you got past him too quickly. You got up the stairs and made it over to Angie’s room, opening the door and expecting for her to still be asleep. She was actually awake and fully dressed already. “Wow, you’re up early!” You said with surprise.

“Yes, I couldn’t sleep last night.” She said bluntly.

“What’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare?” You asked worriedly, she looked up at you with fury in her brown eyes.

“You could say that, I must have had one yesterday morning. I wanted to make sure that my father was faring well but instead he was kissing my maid!” She quietly yelled at you, tears forming in her eyes. Oh fuck… Oh fuck!

“Angie… I’m so so sorry, Angie! It was a mistake! I shouldn’t have-”

“You’re right! It was a mistake! It was a mistake to think that someone could be as nice as you! Get out of my room!” Tears were pouring down her cheeks.

“Angelica, please just let me-”

“I said get out!” She pushed you out of the room and slammed the door behind you. You covered your mouth with your hand, the shock hitting you hard across the chest. She knows! She saw! Damnit! She hates me! Everyone is going to… You rushed down the stairs and out the front door. You didn’t know where you were going for a moment. Until you stopped in front of the lamp post. You were pissed off. Angry at yourself.

“Everyone is going to hate me! Why did I think that was a good idea? How could I do this? You idiot!” You kicked the lamp post but then decided to punch it with all the strength you had. A wave of pain ran through your fist. “Take me back! I want to go home! Anna!” You broke down and fell to your knees, half heartedly hitting the metal. “I don’t want to be alone… not again! Please don’t leave me alone again...” You felt yourself thinking about your parents, which you hadn’t done for quite some time. You’ve never missed them more. You ruined a mother’s life, and at least in your mind, perpetuated a father’s habits. No one came outside to get you. Philip was in town and even if he were there, you couldn’t bear to look at him after this. You didn’t deserve his sympathy anyways after what you did.

[darkot]

I... am immensely pissed off right now.

I feel like I start every one of these entries like that, but... GOD DAMNIT!

For a year.. an entire fucking year, I had been meaning to make a Phoenix Wright painting with Edgeworth and Von Karma as the subjects and post it on December 28th, 2016--the date of the final in-game case--as an homage to the amazing game series that I fell in love with earlier that year. And I fucking missed it.

You can’t comprehend the deep seeded rage that stirs inside of me as of writing this. I just.. holy fuck, dude. I have no words.

It’s not just that, but a lot of other stuff going on that has been incredibly frustrating. I literally just realized the whole missed painting thing moments before writing this. That was just icing on the anger cake.

I worked for about 7 or so hours on the next storyboard for the film project I’m working on. Nothing inherently went bad with that, it’s just... my lack of speed is showing. I’m only billing the guy I’m working for, for 4 hours, because at some point I need to concede that it is my own lack of skill that caused it to take as long as it did. Granted, it was a very complex board. But still, it’s just.. argh.

I just finished watching the last dubbed season of One Piece last night, which was the final episodes before the time skip. Even though I already adored that show, that season was fucking astounding. I would go on to praise it further, if it wasn’t for this seething wrath that is currently dominating my mind.

The general theme towards the end of the season was that all of the main characters recognized that they needed to get stronger to tackle the challenge ahead of them: The New World. It was strangely coincidental because that’s a lot of how I’ve been thinking lately. Not that I need to get stronger in the physical sense, but.. I want to hone my skills further. I need to get better if I want to go where I want to go in the world. As of right now, I’m too weak.

Another thing that’s pissing me off: I ordered two art figures back in November, and they still haven’t arrived. Figma Archetype: He, and Figma Archetype: She. I figured that they would help a lot in drawing those story boards. But so far, they haven’t helped at all because they haven’t arrived! It is t-minus ten days until I can complain about it to the site I bought it from. I already tried emailing them to ask if they could contact the shipping company and make sure that it left Japan, to which they essentially told me to fuck off until 60 days had passed. So, I’ve been waiting.. and waiting... and waiting. And nothing. The tracking info for this type of shipping only has four entries. When it is processed in Japan, when it has left Japan, when it has arrived in Canada, and when it has been delivered.So far, it has gone through the first two.. but it apparently “left Japan” on the 16th of November. So, if the tracking info is to be believed, it has been in transit for nearly two whole months. That.. seems rather unlikely. But okay. January 15th. It’s still got time. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and it will be delivered? I’ve been saying that to myself every day for the past eight weeks. But maybe tomorrow will ACTUALLY be the day.

Don’t even get my started about Overwatch. Again, nothing inherently bad has been going on with it. I ended today at 3070, which I’m pretty okay with. But the last match before me and my group ended really got under my skin. Or rather, somebody on the enemy team did, which I honestly don’t care to admit. 

We were on Lijiang Tower. They were playing Reaper. I was playing Reaper. I was absolutely decimating him when we 1v1′d during the match. However, they ended up winning that round, so that gave him ground to start trash talking out of saltiness. Then, during the second round, I concede that I did absolutely nothing. Their team was too coordinated for me to be effective, and he won most of our encounters. So, he pushed it further and just kept goading me and goading me. I was honestly getting really annoyed. At this point, I hadn’t said a single word to him, but he was just making this a dick measuring contest. So, I switched to Pharah. At that point, I was absolutely slaying. I started the third round with 11 kills and ended with 37. I landed two direct rockets on an enemy Pharah that I don’t even know how I hit. For the second one I had to turn around 180 degrees and aim up above me.. it was weird that I was able to instinctively predict that, that is where they would be. I just trusted myself to land the shot and got it. From the kill cam on their end though, they must have though I was using some sort of bot, haha.

We won the next two rounds, and then it was tied 2-2. At this point that guy had all but shut up because we were making a big comeback. And in the final round, I choked. Fucking hard. It was a very close game. We had 90% on the point, they had 99%. At the very end, they started to make this last push. Their Pharah came in, and she had a Mercy pocketing her. Even though I had been doing insanely well up to that point, something about that just made me.. panic. I don’t like fighting a Pharah+Mercy combo as a Pharah without a Mercy. I am confident in Pharah vs. Pharah battles. I don’t like Pharah+Mercy vs. Pharah+Mercy, but I can deal with it. But Pharah+Mercy vs. Pharah is the worst thing as the lone Pharah. That said, I definitely had a disproportionate reaction. I saw the Pharah with the Mercy beam on here, and something in my brain said “I know, I can win this encounter my ulting them. I ult, am immediately two shot and downed by the damage boosted Pharah, their team capitalizes on the pick, rest of my team goes down, and we lose.

Nobody says anything. Not even that dickhead Reaper from earlier. But I have been beating myself up about that ever since it happened three hours ago. That could have definitely been a win. Perhaps we were going to lose no matter what happened, but I more or less sealed our defeat with possibly the worst ult that I have ever done in Overwatch. I don’t know what I was thinking. I had this sense of needing to carry because the other DPS wasn’t doing a whole lot. I guess my brain went “If I die to this Pharah+Mercy, we’re done for.” Talk about your self-fulfilling prophecy... god, that was stupid. I ended with 49 elims, which frankly is pretty decent. I was doing well that game. Up until the very end. But that’s just.. not good enough. I don’t settle for doing well and then messing up. It’s extremely aggravating to me. It sucks when it is somebody else who makes the mistake, but when I’M the one who throws the game, that feeling of failure is the worst..

So, mark that as another display of inadequacy today, along with how long it took me to finish that picture.

Though this hasn’t just been today, I’m having writers block when it comes to a character for that AQ3D series I’m working on. That has been bugging me for a week now. But DING DING DING, we’ve got three! That’s three areas that I’ve done shitty in lately! Do I hear four? Well, I haven’t streamed in over a month either because I still haven’t worked out the “second entity” idea.

I don’t know, man. My mind’s just feeling so polarized right now. Technically, I’m getting shit done. I finished a storyboard. I went up about 60 SR in Overwatch today. I am two lessons away from completing one of my school courses. But.. it’s just not good enough. That board shouldn’t have taken that long. I should have went up 90 SR today. I should already be done those final two lessons.

Like.. fuck, man. I.. I just want to get to a point where I’m satisfied with how I’m doing. People are right when they tell me that I’m my biggest critic. But that’s why I draw, and that’s why I play Overwatch competitively. To prove something to myself. That I can make a picture that I consider beautiful, or to reach master rank. Whenever I take on a challenge such as these, or entering an art contest (which I haven’t done in years at this point o.O), or auditioning for a voice acting role, or accepting my friend’s offer to do storyboards for the film series.. it’s to prove to myself that I can do it. That if I put my mind to it, that I can accomplish this, because my mind is great. That if I try my heart out, that I can succeed, because my heart is strong. But time and time again, I only end up disappointing myself. I always get in reach of that horizon, but always fall short. My family has always told me that I make them proud, but.. I haven’t ever managed to make myself proud.

The worst part is seeing my potential, and not reaching it. Like that 180 upwards airshot on that Pharah. That is possibly the craziest thing that I have ever done in Overwatch (I really wish I was recording/streaming, so I had it saved =/). Or the painting I did of Notch that blew up on Twitter (not in terms of skill, because that picture was god awful. But in terms of the response people had to it). Or getting 10 Twitch followers in 2 days. Sometimes, I feel like such a one hit wonder.

Aside from individual ambitions, I worry that it taints my overall dreams too. The other day, a friend on my team was going through a rough time. They were really down on themselves because of things their family was saying about them, and because of their own personal opinion of themselves. I gave a pretty long speech to them in our Discord text channel to try and lift their spirits. This, was that message: “It's not that big of a deal, Wild.. I was below 3000 just a couple days ago. Hell, I think I dipped into the 2800s last week. SR will fluctuate. Wildly, at times (hue hue). It's natural. 

You can't let your Overwatch rank be a measure of your personal skill. In-game, or out-of-game. Back in season 1, I was determined to reach top 500 because I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of doing it. That if I really set my mind to it and tried my heart out, that I could reach that goal. What I came to realize though, was that competitive Overwatch is one of the worst things to base any sort of personal merit on. At the end of the day, it is a team game. No matter how well you do, you alone can not determine the outcome of a game. It is a collective effort made by all 6 people. This is even true when you are playing with us. Sometimes, we'll be having a bad day. But you can't let that make you think that it was your fault. You're only one man. 

Likewise, sometimes you'll be having a bad day too. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Everybody does. We can even have a bad week or a bad month. But no matter what's going on, whether it's on your end or you're having a stroke of bad luck with team mates, that still doesn't say anything about you, or what you are capable of. 

Through sheer will, you can do a lot of things. Single handedly winning a comp match is not one of them, however. That's like trying to win a football game on your own. It just doesn't work without teammates that are also on their A-game.

IRL, you aren't a failure either. You're only a failure if you give up. But we're all here. We're all trying our best each and every day, and that's all that anyone can fairly ask of you. Nobody has all of the answers and goes through life without a single bump in the road. All of us, even our predecessors, blindly walk forward and just.. try. Sometimes it doesn't work out. Or, sometimes, our best efforts at accomplishing something are slow. But that's FINE. Millions before you have gone through the same, and millions have come out of it alright. 

 "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." - Lao Tzu 

No matter what's going on, I know you're doing fine, Wild. People may judge or criticize--even those close to us--but as long as you're taking one step every day (doesn't matter if it's forward or backward), then you're doing your part. Be kind to yourself.”

I was worried that the others wouldn’t be too happy about the wall of text, but the response was overwhelmingly positive. They were all telling me how brilliant and beautiful what I wrote was. (One even said to remember them when I’m famous, which was really out of nowhere o.o) That was one of those periodic reminders that I have the ability to change minds. Something in my delivery, or the way I speak, or the way I act makes people listen to me. I’ve made bigots think critically, I’ve made the pessimistic dare to hope, I’ve made the fearful test their courage. But, in this instance, the one person who I was trying to touch with my writing, the friend who was having trouble, didn’t respond positively. It did not seem to lift their spirits much at all. Once again, another example of seeing what potential there is, and not quite meeting it.

That’s the type of thing that makes me fear that I won’t succeed in my dream of changing society for the better. It seems like, no matter what it is, I am always one step short. What if my work doesn’t touch the lives that I’m intending to? Maybe it too will fall short of achieving greatness, as its creator does.

God, Herman Tech messed me up. This is like.. a psychological scar from that experience. I see more failure in myself than I know is there in reality. I just.. want better, for myself.

In a lot of these situations, it feels like it’s me, holding myself back. That if I could let go and be more expressive in my artwork, and trust my instincts when taking shots in OW, and just.. generally be me, totally uninhibited... that I could accomplish so much more. But, for my whole life, I have put on faces for people. I adapt my personality to whoever I’m talking to, so we both have the smoothest interaction possible. At this point, after doing that for so many years, I don’t know who “totally uninhibited me” is. I have a VERY vague sense of that. But I’ve been out of touch with myself for a long time, now. I’ve developed my philosophies and thoughts, but I’m still very distant from my soul. My being. That’s a large part of the discord that I’ve felt stirring inside of me. I think too much, but I really don’t know how to do anything else.

Well, tomorrow’s another day. Maybe those figures will arrive...