#and i guess i need to learn to see life as more collaborative. each to his own ability yk?

[vamptastic]

been starting to realize that ive been doing Real Bad for a Real Long time and it's a bit scary. ive upped my antidepressants which should help in a couple weeks (and them starting to wear off is probably what caused the depressive spiral, tbh). and honestly just knowing what's going on and being able to take active steps to fix it instead of feeling like ive just suddenly lost my ability to be a whole human person is helpful.

but god it's so scary that i was like that for months and didn't really notice. i mean, obviously i knew things were bad, but i was really attributing it to a personal inability to keep up with the expectations around me and not realizing i was mostly struggling so much because my mental health had tanked. i managed to scrape my way out of this one without crazy longterm damage, beyond worrying some teachers, missing the early application deadlines for a couple schools, and overall reinforcing the idea that i am unwell and not to be trusted with my parents, but it's very demoralizing to know that even though i work very hard when i'm able to there will probably always be periods in my life when my depression impedes me from amount of work expected of a normal human being.

i mean, i'm still in high school, and i couldn't keep up with just coming to school every day and keeping up with classwork. i'm not saying this makes me a terrible person, contributing to society isn't what gives someone worth, but i know i'm capable of more without this setback and it's frustrating.

just, i don't know what i'm going to do once i live on my own. having people around me who can look at me and say 'hey man you are clearly going through some shit take it easy' is the only way i can snap out of episodes like these thus far. ive been looking forward to college and feeling like my life and time is going towards a meaningful purpose for so long and i am going to be so, so upset if i fuck it up.

it just hurts having high expectations put on me, i guess. i don't want go on a litany of gifted kid woes or whatever but i am very intellectually intelligent and adults have looked at that and assumed i must succeed and if i'm not i'm not trying hard enough. it's great when i do achieve something big and i get to fulfill those expectations but i just don't know if i can, in the long term.

i struggle with such basic parts of being a functional adult. and i know my parents and teachers do just want me to be happy and don't care if i don't end up where they thought i would, but it just always feels like there's this better version of me out there if i could just stop missing school and stop procrastinating and really apply myself. but when i DO apply myself i quickly burn out and enter another destructive spiral.

there's not really a point to this, i guess. just that i want to succeed and i don't want to fuck it all up for myself because my brain tells me it doesn't matter for a few months. it does, when i'm not depressed i do care, so so so much, and i hate having to fight myself for what i want.

[sukioyakio]

“Use me then”- R. 𝐒𝐔𝐊𝐔𝐍𝐀

PART TWO IS OUT

Sukuna hadn’t been the best person in your life,he was a dumb fuck and he knew that.He knew he shouldn’t have left you alone when you needed him the most.

When you were pregnant with his baby girl.He knew he fucked up.Moreover his whole life has been fucked up,finding his parents died in a young age and how he knew that violence was the thing that bring him a long way.

Foster home wasn’t just hell but a free for all,only those who are willing to make a name out of themselves will get to see a future themselves.He would have to learn that having feeling is just a useless thing.

After being heartbroken by someone he thought he could love,after being someone punching bag for entertainment and being beaten almost to death.Scars all over him with each of them being a reminder of how bad it was for him.

He didn’t get to live a normal life when he was younger constantly fighting for himself.He became more cruel and more cold,no longer giving a fuck about anyone else.

He knew that nothing he could make up for his own mistakes for treating like you did anything to deserve it.

You both knew each other from college but that not when you guys started dating,you started to date after a one and a half year later.

You fell for him despite of his frigid behavior.You wanted to prove that you would be the best girlfriend.You were just a hopeless romantic and you didn’t care about his cold behavior.

And he just accepted it to only used you for his benefits.

But no matter what you did he’ll just blocked you out and constantly being used.And when you guys did it,he forgot to put the condom on and so a week later you had called him when he was flirting with some other girl at a bar.

he just told you that he’ll come later.

While he was cheating with you with someone else,you were excited about it,to tell him about the future you had thought about.And how you couldn’t wait to be a mother.

But when you had open the front doors to your apartment,something in your gut told you that you weren’t going to like this talk but you were love sick idiot for him and completely ignored that feeling.

When you were talking about how your day went,being animated and all.He nonchalantly told you just to get to the point.

You had such a big smile on when you announced it. “I’m pregnant! Sukuna I’m having your baby,we’ll be parents”

You looked at him with warm smile to only see his eyebrows furrowed down in an utter disbelief.You said it again guessing that he didn’t hear you correctly but his face made a unreadable expression as he started to walk towards the door.

All in that moment you could almost hear the tearing sound of your heart being broken into pieces and it hurt.

“Sukuna?”

“Sukuna?”

“Sukuna!?”

“SUKUNA?!?”

You yelled at him while running after him grabbing his wrists pleading with him,cause you didnt know if you’ll be okay with just yourself supporting a baby.Your lips were trembling and your every breath was like it was venom had token your lungs.

Tears were flowing down your cheeks.And he just stood there with complete silence.You began to beg for him to talk,for you guys to talk about it together.

“Please don’t l-leave me , p-please” you choke on your tears.Red optics eye bore into her widened,watering eyes.Finally saying something to you.

“I think it just better to break up” He says that and nothing more and then snatched off his hand now walking away leaving you alone with hot painful tears flowing down your cheeks.

The only thing you heard was the sounds of his Shoes slowly getting quieter until it was just silence.Your heart right there summer in the depths of your chest broken by your vision of love.

It was a vast expanse of emptiness,where even the smallest sound wouldn’t dare not tread the silence. [*]

A few years later Sukuna was now more stable than before,Having a big success with his company.

Making collaboration with other big brands and marketers.Having multiple modeling teams to make sure of his presence is well known and that only made a fan base of him.He was making multiple big deals that people would only dream off.

He was particularly smart at making sure that his company wouldn’t go down anything time soon.Even after all this success in Japan he would still have much more work to accomplish in others countries but he doesn’t have to worry about that right now.

He now had everything that he never had when he was young and everything he’ll need.Every decision he made was to make it all work in the end.

Right?

But some wounds weren’t meant to heal and some will eventually hurt you more than others.

When he left you he thought that he would be the best for him and for you too.He didn’t want any of unavoidable feeling of love,it wouldn’t do anything but drag him. He already knew at some point he was going to break up with you sometime soon.

But your voice of pain still rings throughout his head after all these years.Sometimes even coming back as nightmares or some sorts.

He thought that maybe if he just have nights stands he would get over it.It irritated him for some reason.He didn’t need some extra feelings of you.

But nothing worked,and now he’s sit in his office at random point of time thinking about what was the gender of his baby.

But now he knows that he is the worst father ever to have.And he didn’t have to hear those words from anyone else to tell him that.The better thing to do is just to move forward and forget about it.

It was just a normal day walking around the city without the need of being followed or being bothered by the paparazzi or whatever the case would be.

The sun light shining the city with a bright golden glow making the city warm.And with the sun shining it’s companion with the wind breeze keeping citizens of Tokyo from dying from the heat.In perfect sense it was a great day to go out and enjoy the day off.

Multiple citizens walked through the streets of Tokyo the streets were filled with lifeness sparkling with color all around and people walking with a smile or with a sense of urgent need to get to a certain place.While Sukuna didn’t have any place to go to so he just walked throughout the city even the high crime rates part of Tokyo.

The only reason he wasn’t getting bothered was because he had a black washable dye and it work wonders and having his tattoos covered by makeup. No one recognize him.

Now he made his way towards a park,to get away from the crowd of people.His body walking down the entrance of it.Completely in his head space enjoying the scenery.Not minding the children running around with their sequels.

Until he heard a voice in the group of parents with their children who were playing or watching their children play.

A distant Laughter came through the group there;A laugh he knew too well.His legs taking him towards that voice without even noticing his actions. His large figure making it way to move around,his eyes looking around in such an intense manner.

His body froze,his mind going silent.As his almost blood like eyes widened.His heart slowly beating against his chest.

He spotted a child with striking pink long hair with such a radiant laughter,a young girl that is made his heart began to filled with warmth.

Something that he thought was meaningless.

Sukuna’s heart raced with uncertainty as he faced the unknowingly future.

He just stood there watching the girl with an urge to ask the girl question.Whether if the girl dyed the hair pink or did she ever get to see her dad or-And then you showed In his view.

“There you are,you little troll” you spoke with a playful voice,grabbing your daughter and swinging her around in the air.You were smiling so care carefullyfree,with the little spawn of joy giggling wildly.

“PffhaHahhaha!!Stop it mom!Your gonna get me dizzy if uou continue” The young girl says as her laughter danced through the air like a soft melody.

The world blurs itself out as he watches you.when he sees you he immediately knows that you were something that shouldn’t have been token so dryly;all the nights were you were there for him,all the love you spent on him and what did he gave you in return.

Nothing,nothing not even a small amount of time of love to you.You have every right to hate him for that.

There a lot of ‘what if’s’ in his mind but one thing is certain that he would’ve had a family.

He probably didnt know that he was looking at you guys to long.That was until your eyes meet his making eye contact.

Their stares remained interlocked, neither of them making a move to look away.It you could tell who is his even with all the disguise.Your eyes widened with disbelief as Your face turned into an icy expression.You turned your head now forcing yourself to walk forward paying attention to your daughter that was in your arms.

Sukuna soul felt burdened with the echoes of her sorrows.

“It doesn’t matter now,at least that their better without me” Sukuna spoke in his mind,but he’s heart felt heavy like it knew that if he thinks by walking away from all this is going to make it better then he wrong.

Blinded by his own heart he walks after you,keeping his composure straight and stern.As he reaches his hand to lay his hand on your shoulder,getting your attention and your daughter as well.

Your head turned around to see his body but you stare up to see his ironic red eyes the same one you have nightmares about,the same one that broke your heart a thousand times.

The same blood like eyes that you fall in love with.

Your heart sting with dreadful pain just from looking at him,you knew it was him even if he’s hide his most dominant features.

Your daughter looks at you with concern that you don’t mistake it for sadness.

You place her down on the ground and whipser her something softly,to not her pretty face worry about it.You told her simply to wait and sit in the grass until she come back then they will get ice cream after and which she does.

Now paying mind to him as you changed your expression to the same icy expression.

“What do you want” You said straight to the point as you won’t allow yourself to break down again infront of him.

Nothing come out,because he didn’t know what to say to you,Nothing came out of his mouth.He usually always had something to say.

You couldn’t take it,you hated the man that stand in front of you.

”I doubt you’ll forgive me for all of this-

you instantly interrupted him.

“it too late for apologize Sukuna,you already showed me that I’ll have to be guarded when it comes to giving people my heart.”

You said heartlessly,almost with coming out hurt.But you didn't stop there,all the suspense emotions were coming out.

“God I hate you! I hate you for leaving me!!A simple Fucking sorry ISNT going to make up for the things you made me go through! You-tears falling down your cheeks rapidly-… I fucking hate you.I hate that I fell for you,g-Gave you my heart for what?”

You wipe off your tears.Your voice rising in pitch as your eyes brow knitting together in frustration and hands clenching tightly in a ball into fist.

“B-but I’ll n-never . . Hate you for her,for g-giving me a beautiful g-girl”

you said with a sad smile that quickly removed from your face,Your chest rising up and down.As you could hear the voices of the kids giggling in the background.

The tension between you and him was unpalatable,the air was so thick that it felt like he was going to suffocate.

A pair of warm hands warp around you pulling you into a warm embrace.

“I-I -a heavy sigh came out of his mouth- . . . Sorry,I don’t -no I know that you won’t forgive me.You have every reason to yell at me, . . tell me that I’m shit for everything.” His voice swiftly He felt your hands were pushing him away but he continued on his embrace.He could fell your tears dampen his clothes.

“L-let go of me . . . I Don’t h-have time for you-u,i don’t need you anymore in my life,Sukuna.So it better if we just don’t talk.”

His throat felt so dry like as if he didn’t drink any water.He fucked up so badly.A wound that would never heal.You politely removed your body from his embrace and wipe your face with your hands wiping off the tears.Now walking away from him and towards where your daughter was.

The wind blows gently through your body as you see your daughter playing around with a boy with black hair;smiling with joy, making you form a small smile.

You felt a hand on your shoulder immediately knowing it was Sukuna,you brushed off his hand off your shoulder.Before you could even get anything out your mouth.

“Use me then”

A shiver ran down her spine as his voice took on an eerie, otherworldly quality of vulnerability.That made her question if it was the wind that was playing with her mind or it just herself thinking that she heard him in such a state.

”what” You said with disbelief lancing your voice,Your uncertainty was reflected in your hesitant movements and furrowed brow.

You tilted your head in confusion,your eyes trying to discern the almost-too-serious expression on Sukuna face.Just for Sukuna repeat his words.

“Use me then” He said in a serious manner,His red eyes looking straight at you.He knew what he was saying was stupid and wouldn’t cure anything but it worth trying.

Your eyes widens lanced with disbelief.you let out a huff out laugh as you ran your finger though your hair.

“What . . No Sukuna,I-a deep shaky sigh gets out of your lungs- I told you I want nothing to deal with you” You said with a bit of raspiness to your voice from the crying and yelling.You eyes finally looking at Sukuna’s eyes.His eyes usually showed a stern cold expression but right now it soften and regretful glazes upon his blood like eyes.

“Use me then, Use me for money,for paying your bills,driving you and her placing,Use me for anything,it doesn’t matter” He said as you just notice how close he got to you.You could hear it now,it wasn’t your mind playing tricks on you;you could hear that vulnerability in his voice so much clearer.

You didn’t know what to say or respond to him,your mouth was shut and like it sealed up.That until you felt a strong hit towards your knee,to only see your daughter squealing.

“MOMM!! Hahah-HELp me!!Before Cole Comes and get me!!” Your daughter says with A loud giggle as She let go of your legs and runs a distance away from you and Sukuna to get playfully tackled by a boy with black hair and purple eyes.

You hadn’t completely forgotten his offer,You take a deep breath before looking at your phone to see how much time as pass.

His eyes were dead set on you but You can see that he’s eyes had a bit of amusement in them.To you you could recognize him even if he had black hair or hide his tattoos on his face and body,you could still tell it him from his red ironic eyes.His body cast a shadow over you.

“I-ill think about this later” You said,now completely walking towards your daughter.With head now full of thoughts now.As you smiling see your daughter ‘Nova ryomen’ Tackling the boy down with a playful smirk on her soft cheek.

You told her that it time to go home and to say goodbye to the boy,which she kinda refused to do having a big sad pout of your cute little face.But she eventually did,as you hold her hand in and then taking her to a ice cream shop for her.You order with a genuine smile on your lips as you watched her eat her ice cream while you guys were walking towards the house.

“use me then”

his words were repeated in your head like a curse.You don’t need him anyway right?You just gotta keep moving forward even if life isn’t the best for you but it could be and will be better for nova.That night you had received a text from a unknown person but you ignore it went to sleep.

Credits to my lovely editor(my bestie) who I made her read this 🫶.

tag list: @10yo-anonnie @scoobysnakz @lynxslokley @kenntolog

+anyone want to be tagged in part2

@mononijikayu

Made by @sukioyakio

reblogs, likes and shares are always welcome and appreciated

If anyone has any comments of suggestion of part two then be my guest

PART TWO IS OUT NOW!!

[jabberwock-islanders]

So I've been listening to this cover of IDOL and a lot of the lyrics in the song HEAVILY remind me of Gojo so guess who's making his very first JJK au!!!

Rather than being the strongest jujutsu sorcerer, Satoru Gojo is a well-known performer and idol. He sings, he dances, he models, he plays in shows and movies, anything and everything that would remind you of idols and celebrities that so many admire and get their inspiration from. This is the life Gojo has lived for as long as he can remember; he's always had these gifts, and has always been encouraged to use them.

Having been in the business for so long, Gojo knows what his audience wants. He knows the perfect way to act to keep everyone fawning over him as they have been for years. The people like him when he's charming, and they love him when his confidence is highest. His audience views him as being strong and untouchable, and that's exactly how he'll keep it (even during times where he wishes he didn't need to put on an act).

Gojo meets Megumi and Nobara through the modeling business, and meets Yuji through acting. He sees the talent and passion these younger stars have, and decides to take them under his wing. He teaches them anything they're willing to learn, though Nobara and Yuji seem to struggle with more musical aspects of idol-hood. They're both wonderful dancers, however, unlike Megumi. Gojo doesn't pay it any mind, focusing on each of their strengths to make sure they'll be flawless in whatever field they choose.

Enough with the cute and happy shit cuz now it's time for Geto to come into play!!

Geto is an indie artist, and he dabbles in a lot of different genres of music. While he isn't vastly well-known, he does have a decent following and plays enough gigs to keep bills paid. Frankly, that's more than he ever expected to get out of his career. As far as his musical skillset, Geto can play any instrument you'd associate with bands (guitars, drums, keyboard, etc) and is quick to learn various other instruments as well. One of his favorite instruments to play is clarinet, though he doesn't have a chance to play it often.

Geto and Gojo meet at an event that's essentially a party for any celebrities, musicians, and actors that get personally invited. Gojo was invited for obvious reasons, and Geto managed to get an invite through Shoko, who's a producer. Their first meeting was a little.. rough, to put it lightly. Geto immediately wasn't a fan of Gojo, viewing his charming persona as a tactic to play with people's feelings and avoid taking accountability for his actions. Even though there wasn't really any basis for these assumptions, it made both of their first impressions of each other a bit messy. Gojo could already tell that Geto didn't like him, but brushing it off and acting nice for the sake of pleasantries didn't seem to help in the slightest.

Geto ended up gaining some popularity through the event, and later on down the line was asked about doing a collaboration with, you guessed it, Gojo. Well, it wasn't a collaboration with just Gojo. Megumi and Yuji were said to be involved, though Geto didn't pay much attention to that. "Forming friendships with other people in the industry is the best way to advance your career," his manager said. "It'll be a nice change of pace," his manager said.

Meanwhile Gojo was a bit excited for this collab. Despite Geto not liking Gojo at all, Gojo found a strange interest in him. Shoko did say he had a nice personality under his rough edges. Maybe Gojo could get Geto to warm up to him!

For the sake of not spiraling into turning this overview into a straight up fic, I'll stop here. Tbh I'm loving this concept so much that I might make a full fic with it soon

[lucent-roase]

random long rant belowww

i was in my first serious relationship for about a year and a half. we met two years ago through a mutual friend and i fell really hard. six months went by and we became a couple and it was nice and we were interested in the same things. unfortunately, both of us were very unwell mentally, but we made it work and we helped each other get better bit by bit. we were both so infatuated with each other and out of all my relationships, i had a flicker of hope that this has to be my future. we made plans, we agreed on practically everything, it was going to be easy and by golly it was just right there. i helped him put the shovel down and he started to want to live until he grew gray and old. with me.

suddenly a few months ago something seemed to click for him and he was so. much. mentally. healthier. he began to take up hobbies like guitar and writing and he even got a pet rat (who is the sweetest little thing, her name is Mochi). unfortunately, i was left in a shell of this perfect routine i made up that included him in everything i did. i was happy he felt better, but this was so different from everything we had before. he then fixated on a show that i can’t ever seem to like, and at that point we were barely talking to each other anymore because our interests were no longer aligned and he didn’t want to talk to me even when he had free time. it was a weird 180° from how we used to be and i was uncomfortable. we started arguing a lot and became more distant as things progressed. i started sensing lies and since then, could hardly trust his word about anything. he admitted that he wasn’t actually that much better and was trying to keep me away from that, hiding his worst from me, but i just couldn’t believe that, since he was happily talking to his other friends (that were apparently creeps that he wanted to shield me from, though that didn’t make me feel any better about them).

i was getting irritated and despite practically needing to speak to him every day, asked for a break. i didn’t cry as much as i thought i would. the lies were settling in and i realized that i put up with a lot more than i needed to. we broke up a little while after talking again.

i started learning to care for myself without needing to lean on him, but i was mourning the future i was supposed to have. even though i was figuring out that future wasn’t meant for me, that i truly wanted different things in life, and that he wasn’t the partner i saw him as (also an even shittier friend), i felt like my life was ruined indefinitely.

but it’s been a few weeks, maybe a month, and i’m following the path i really do think i want. i’m drawing and it makes me happy, i’m collaborating with other artists, and i’m making lots of friends because i’m not focused on only one person anymore. all of this i’m doing without him. there’s no doubt that my heart aches when i see he’s blocked me on yet another site just to keep me from talking to him in public, or when i look at older messages and see how happy we both were, but i’m able to self-regulate.

i don’t know. it’s tricky trying to navigate where your future is going when you had it all planned out, but i guess there’s still time. i mourn what i had but i also grieved happiness for much longer than i should have.

[sepublic]

With this analysis of Luz having Belos, and King having the Collector, it does feel as if Eda herself is technically missing her own personal antagonist; Though tbf, she does parallel/foil Belos in a lot of ways too. So it could simply be interchangeable, esp when we have Luz and the Collector; But a part of me wonders if there would've been a third villain, for Eda?

Like, maybe the Archivists; They're out there, and their relationship with the Collector can be comparable to Eda and King's. It's just that Eda lied to King and was at times a neglectful parent, but nevertheless came around... And since I believe it was an Archivist and not the Collector who turned the Owl Beast into a scroll, there's a very personal connection for Eda there, given how much the curse really shaped her life and made her self-doubt in a way even the coven system didn't (Though you could argue she only got cursed because of Belos' cutthroat system pitting Lilith against her).

Maybe the Archivists would've recognized their magic on Eda, would've recognized the Owl Beast especially and we'd get more lore on it; Not that the Archivists needed it to be special to 'preserve' it, per their stated MO. Given the Owl Beast's reaction to the Collector, imagine how it would've responded to the actual Archivist who transformed it? And we could've gotten more collaboration between Eda and the Owl Beast, more understanding as the latter became more active as a character...

Who knows, maybe the six-legged form we see in the finale is a super-harpy form that the two could've achieved against the Archivists; Or the 'Owl Deity' mural within the Owl House's living room.

I also wonder if Eda's antagonist is Lilith; After all, we've seen in the storyboards that she was originally going to be much more antagonistic and mean-spirited. I wonder why the writers changed this. I suspect it's to make the twist of Lilith cursing Eda actually impactful, since a Lilith who clearly cares and is struggling to have it both ways feels like a genuine betrayal to Eda and the audience, as does her dangling Luz over a cliff (Which in the storyboards, happens but isn't as huge of a deal).

So Lilith is an occasional antagonist and rival, but never a malicious threat and even someone who teams up; Which makes the revelation and her crossing a line hit extra-hard. So she's basically a twist villain, revealed as the 'mastermind' behind the curse that Eda struggles with in S1, with S1 having the most emphasis on the curse as a conflict for the protagonists to navigate; And Lilith sharing that curse is the resolution, as it's no longer an active problem threatening Eda's existence. There's still more (like the aforementioned Owl Beast) to address in S2, but the curse itself is not worsening anymore.

With all that in mind, I guess this makes Lilith technically the villain of S1? Since Belos only really takes initiative in the last two episodes. She's more recurring, and her being less antagonistic kind of works with S1 being much more light-hearted. I've already suggested before that each season corresponds to one of our main trio; S1 for Eda, S2 for King, and S3 for Luz. Belos definitely plays a bigger role in S2 while the Collector is more S3, so it's not exactly one-to-one...

Still, we can see the progression as the villains get more powerful; But in the end, Lilith and the Collector were both manipulated by Belos, and are won over in the end. Lilith gets the most screen time as an ally due to when she turns around, and thus her time as a protagonist overshadows her time as an antagonist.

I also have to wonder if Eda isn't meant to have her own villain? Eda is unlike Luz and King in that she's already a full-grown adult who's seen and learned plenty; She's got more to learn as we see. But she's more certain of her place in life, whereas Luz and King are going through their coming-of-age, and thus they have their personal antagonists to represent that big character conflict.

For Eda, it's more confronting herself; Or maybe the Owl Beast is that antagonist, since she does blame it for ruining her life and all that. Maybe it's Raine and Gwen and Dell and Lilith; Less in an "Antagonist" sense, and more as people Eda needs to make resolution with, that she's in conflict with.

And as an adult, that conflict is less overt and more quiet, internally painful, and really about just talking things out. By contrast, Luz still had her Gildersnake moment coming up, set up in THE very first scene of the show, and King had his arc renouncing his destroyer status to be more mature with the concept of power.

Maybe it's because Eda's not one who operates on fantasy like Luz and King do, either; In the second episode, Eda delivers the lesson about 'being special' which tell us a bunch. It suggests she's already been there and done that, she's the mentor. Her antagonist is less of an overt face per adulthood, but maybe it represents how she's done most of her growth.

So Eda's arc isn't about her relationship with fantasy; King's is abandoning his in favor of a quieter, sustainable reality; Luz has a nuanced dynamic with her fiction (due to it being less inherently destructive than King's), where she healthily distinguishes when and when not to embrace it.

It could be that since Dana originally held hopes for a prequel series involving teen Eda, that we would've gotten a more overt antagonist for her that way; Maybe Principal Faust! With his rantings on kids as evil, being an insincere teacher while Eda becomes a genuine one and even a dean! And that conflict’s resolution leads to Bump taking his place. And/or it's Terra Snapdragon. Hell what if it was the previous Golden Guard, and Darius not yet realizing what his mentor did wrong (even if his mentor realized but never vocalized it to a kid who could get in trouble) contributed to him no longer being friends with Eda; Because she defeated the Golden Guard.

(This reminds me of my speculation on Eda and the Golden Guard, before we learned Hunter's name, being parallels and having connections. They're not exactly parallels... Well maybe in some ways they are with their lacking magic... But they definitely have that lost-to-time familial connection.)

I did notice that in S3, Eda didn't have as much focus compared to Luz and King; Again, for the reasons I listed above about her having done most of her arc already, and what she had left had already been resolved. So it makes sense to focus on Luz and King, who are still struggling. But also again; If we got that prequel series, we would've gotten a bunch of solo Eda development and screen time, but without any Luz and King alas.

So when evaluating all these factors, maybe Dana and the writers chose to focus on Luz and King, and let Eda take the backseat for this reason; They'd still have a whole show for Eda, or at least a mini-series, afterwards. But this was the last we'd see of Luz and King, so I think that priority worked. Even if we evidently aren't getting that prequel series, if Dana's acceptance of this is any indication... Plus, again: S3 being short means they can only fit in so much, meaning Eda could only get so much too; Esp with the set-up of Luz needing to make her way back to Eda and King, which means they only have 2/3 of S3 where they can appear.

[tarotnoob]

BTS group reading 6/18/24

This is the full BTS reading I did around the Jin discharge/reunion. I think that's important to note since I caught the vibe around that event as opposed to everyone being at their respective bases.

Disclaimer: Tarot readings are not fact; please don't let anyone make you feel they are. Using tarot readings as proof of anything related to BTS or the members is, frankly, silly.

You can also check out the reading I just did for Jimin. There were things that I noticed in Tae/Jimin's readings here that seemed connected. What does that mean? Nothing other than their energies crossed, so I interpreted it as having a convo about some stuff.

Essentially while there's a process to tarot, there's also a bit of guesswork trying to work out the pieces. Not to mention readers operate with their own biases.

RM - Even before I looked at the guidebook for the Oracle cards I got the sense that this is his time to not really give a s*** about anything. I feel like he's working on trying to take things less seriously so much to the point that he might be trying to go out of his comfort zone. I feel like he's trying to simplify things in his life, whether this means literally getting rid of clutter or getting rid of the BS. There's a lot of energy focused on the self. Whether this is more self-help books or working out or even pampering himself in some ways. The spirit card also makes me think that maybe he could be reading more philosophy books or even diving into different religions or spiritualities. If he has time off, I still think that he likes to spend it in nature. 

I really think that there's a lot of energy being put into physical fitness and health. He might even be eating better and simplifying his diet. I think that in terms of clarity he's definitely seeing things about what he wants to do in the future. He might be thinking a lot ahead to the next steps that they could take as a group or just him himself on projects. The candle and spirit definitely gives me Ace of wands vibes. So he might actually be working on a collaboration with somebody. I guess that could be a romantic spark as well. It kind of has a romantic vibe there. But it could just be vibing with people who are on his same wavelength. Talking about life and all kinds of things related to that. I see a greater sense of understanding his purpose and what he wants to do and where he wants to go and how he wants to be perceived. I just really get a no-nonsense don't give s*** kind of vibe. I think people do that when they need to shed something. They need to just start over because he was getting too frustrated and worked up and realized that he just had to go back to the basics or throw it all away. But I mean he's not doing it by being a hermit. Even with the number nine popping up lol. There could be some of that but I still see him being rather a social with other people who think similarly or interesting that way to him. I definitely see him talking to somebody about the future though. Having two figures in each card's could mean again like a partner or one specific friend or could stand in for a group of people but he's definitely making plans with someone besides himself. If not specific plans together then just a person that he likes to talk to about the future. 

I'm also feeling like he's more in a very sensitive and feminine type of energy where he's more open to receiving possibly. Like so more interested in learning and gaining knowledge and getting in touch with taking care of himself both mentally and physically. I feel like you probably also bought something really nice recently. Like some type of luxury item. From a car to a house to like a really nice watch or a piece of art. But I definitely feel like he's spending if it makes him feel better. I know that's getting away from decluttering but I think he's like I don't give a f*** I'm just going to buy things that make me happy and look aesthetic. 

Jin

Jin has strength and nature. This could be specific to a trip coming up in Leo season for him. So very soon. Where he might take a vacation to someplace where you would think of nature. It could be anywhere from Jeju to the mountains to getting away from Korea but I get a sense of somebody probably taking a trip to a location that's not necessarily a busy city. It could be to go camping probably. I think also it means like a sense of wonder. In the book it says something like and every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks. And the keywords are gifts wonders and home. I just feel like this is going to be a time of relief for him to do things that are fun and carefree. I wonder if he's able if he goes on the trip will he like do a live or share a diary about it. It could involve music or gathering with people from the music industry as in friends or it could just be a situation where they go to camp and they have a campfire and it's very chill. It could even be like something I don't want to say spiritual but like a retreat where you have events that make you relax like yoga or sound baths. 

That doesn't really sound like him but that's kind of the vibe I'm getting. Or like a get together where people play music but it's not like loud music. It would be like you know if you get by campfire on somebody has an acoustic guitar. So they play folk or soft music together and just sing acapella. I see him having a good and relaxing time. Just trying to get back into the groove of things not trying to rush into something. Not to say that he might not start working on music right away. But I just see him even if he's doing that he's kind of playing around and trying to have fun and relax. Also maybe a lot of appreciation for what it means to have your own time and to not be stuck in the military anymore. I'm sure that sounds obvious but when I did a reading for him right before all the guys met the other day, I actually cried because of the cards that came out. Because it was just such a lovely energy. 

This is somebody who like has really figured out how not to let external things affect him and to just live in the now and like to approach things with such a wondrous and joyous type of energy. I think he is a person of strong character. If there's anything that he wants to do he has the willpower to do it. I don't think he lets anybody step over his boundaries. I think they've already said this but there's an energy of being a kid. I'm not saying he's immature. You could look at him and say the pranks or the things he says are silly and that's immature but it's not from that. It's from someone who just has decided not to let negative things affect him or even if they do because he's human, he won't let them beat him down I guess? Because life is too short? I feel like there's a lot of wisdom people could get from him if they sat and had a chat with him. And you could get him to be a bit serious. I think he doesn't want to be serious. Not because he's avoiding anything but just like he doesn't want to be lol. That's not his vibe. But yeah I think he's ready to rest and relax and recharge right now and so I would definitely expect him to take a trip very shortly to a location where he can feel relaxed. 

Yoongi

I'm a little surprised to see joyous especially given the tarot cards. But joyous here the keywords are appreciation, overflowing choice. The intention phrase for it is choose to spread your joy contagiously. You will keep your spirit healthy. Your joy will make others happy. The quote that goes with it is from Carlos Santana and it says if you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment. 

On the one hand I can't tell if I'm being biased especially given his tarot cards but then how I feel he probably feels about his military service. So part of me is wondering if this joyous card is a bit sarcastic. But when you read the description it's a lot like gratitude or being optimistic. Which I do think he is. It's living and practicing an existence of being joyful needs to come within. Celebrate being alive and having the freedom to make your own choices. Follow the path leading upwards and see the candy jar as half full rather than half empty. Positive thoughts and actions will attract higher vibration surrounding you, granting you pure joy. I have wondered from things he's said for years now if he has not necessarily a spiritual practice but more like a mental practice of letting things go and not having attachments. 

So I think he has adapted some of that to life. The tarot cards kind of indicate I don't want to say bitterness. But we have the nine of wands which is a little bit defensive or having seen some s*** or being determined and the devil tends to have those like negative self thoughts. The joyous part could be advice for him for how he feels right now. I can only imagine how someone like that feels when they have to do something that they don't believe in. I don't think he gives a s*** about military service. He probably doesn't think that he should be doing it. He probably doesn't believe in anything that has to do with authority or nationality or patriotism. I'm not saying he would be a critic or anything although there's much to criticize so it wouldn't surprise me. So I think this is kind of a difficult thing for him to wrap his head around so he's just trying to see the silver lining. Which is probably that eventually it will be over. I think he's trying to find things to be grateful for. I think he's looking forward to the end. 

I have always wondered if he has a companion or like a partner of some kind. I don't think it's a friend. I do lean toward a companion, I feel like they've been together for a while, and I feel like this person provides comfort as much as possible and could be the joy that he finds in what is probably an annoying experience for him right now. I think probably this person is the only one kind of keeping him grounded. I think the relationship could be a little codependent in that regard. I also feel like there's something hidden. Something sneaky or secret. This could be anything like something he's doing in secret. That could be the relationship. Or somebody involved is doing something that he's not aware of or he's doing something that other people aren't aware of. It's interesting that in all the cards there is this little extra animal. Which is part of why I'm leaning toward there is somebody significant in his life that provides comfort. That or he just got a dog lol. 

15, 9 and 6 could be relevant so maybe something happening in September between September 6th and 15th. Something that could be a secret being revealed. I'm not like super confident in that I'm just guessing what the numbers could mean if anything. I'm kind of seeing five of wands as well within this nine of wands, so there could be other types of conflicts happening. These sticks are burning and this is a snowman and that dog is also made of flames so technically the snowman could melt under the heat. And the devil obviously hell. Kind of silly but like literally he could be somewhere right now that is extremely hot lol. He could feel under pressure or feel the heat. There could be some type of temptation. It could be that he is involved with someone or something that could potentially cause harm to him. Of either a slight degree or more than that. Something that he's doing or indulging and might be kind of iffy but at the moment it seems to be bringing him joy or happiness or a way to get through stuff. I don't really know what that could be. 

Besides indulging in a relationship that's codependent, it's not like he could really be doing drugs or abusing substances. I think it's something else it's like tempting but at the same time it's harmful. I don't know what that could be given him not being able to do much. It could also be that like he's in a situation where he can't react the way he wants and feels confined. But that's me just like assuming things. I'm not really feeling anything. The devil is also a card about restriction so again maybe feeling restrained and kind of at his limit. I mean that sounds really dramatic, this is obviously somebody who can handle anything but like I just can only imagine him being incredibly irritated that he has to do this stuff. I just hear him being really sarcastic in my head about the idea of joyous. Like yeah what a joy this is. But he knows he's going to stick through it so what can he do. I mean he can't go into it completely like I hate this because he'd be miserable. 

Even though I think he's miserable but he's trying his best to find the things that make it endurable. I also wonder if with this person whether it's a new person or like I felt like an old person that maybe this person has like melted him in some ways and made him softer. Maybe because this person has seen him through good and bad. But I would definitely guess that if it's a person it's a bit codependent. Like they don't want to go out with everybody they would rather just stay in by themselves and only interact with each other. Kind of like when you invite a friend and no matter how many times you invite the friend they always want to ask if they can bring their partner. Which some people might be like what's wrong with that well that's weird. Okay it's weird. You can separate for a night to hang out with friends. And often your friends don't necessarily want to hang out with your partner. But yeah I'm not really getting much other than like irritation and sarcasm and just dealing with it and probably a person involved in his life that's pretty serious and is sticking close to him. But something about it is a little maybe toxic. Because again the snowman wants to take care of the little flame dog but the flame dog does end up melting him. But he seems to really like this person and I would guess it's a woman Yes. She might be older than him. I know all the little animals and stuff look younger but like I feel like she could be older 

It could even be that he's actually the little pet in every single card because of how much he seems to look up to her or be like obsessed with her. And if in her eyes that she's rather powerful and like caring and taking care of him. That's why I kind of think she's probably older by at least 5 years it could be more than that. Anyway. I think I said that last time I did a reading about him where I felt like he was talking to somebody about creative projects. And I think it's the same person probably so. Don't ask him to marry you because I'm pretty sure he's already got somebody in mind and it's pretty serious and probably long-term. But it's just a guess and a feeling. I don't feel 100% about anything going on with him. 

But I do probably think he's taken. However I feel like it's a non-traditional type of relationship. As in like they don't like labels or it could be open. But it just doesn't feel traditional hetero dynamics. I think they would call it like a companionship or even like one's a superpower and one's a familiar. She might also be kind of spiritual or has that same type of interest in those philosophical ideas without being spiritual. She could even be a little witchy. She could be into Japanese religions or spirituality or be Japanese I say that because of the fox. And they have legends about foxes being able to change shape. And this animal seems to keep changing shape in the different cards from being a dog to a fox to whatever is with the devil. So in that way in terms of non-traditional this woman is just not into labels. Maybe they're even non-binary? I don't really feel like that though I feel like they're quite feminine in nature but it's more not believing in labels and thinking everything is a social construct with a bit of scientific spirituality thrown in lol. I just don't see them as into incense and tarot yet they apply certain philosophies like that to things. Anyway interesting. 

J-Hope

I am not surprised that he would somehow pull the focus card out of a lot of really like spiritual worded Oracle cards lol. I am always thinking of him as being high focused and a little not uptight but like wound a little bit tight yeah. Very respectful and kind of serious. But deeply charming. As for the photo we have somebody who is in a white gown with flowers. And we have the four of wands, so it's almost giving like a wedding vibe. I think I said this in a past reading about him too where I thought there was some kind of wedding so I don't know why that keeps coming up with him. If you look at the four of wands as well that guy has like white hair and it reminds me of J-Hope when he had that white blonde hair before he enlisted. So there's definitely I mean I would look at it and be like okay well somebody is putting their attention into like an event that looks like a wedding and there's a little bit of anxiousness and anxiety about it. I don't know is he going to get married, is he going to a wedding, is he going to be in a wedding? The other thing could be there's some type of celebration or contest coming up where he would perform and there's some anxiety and he's just focused on that event right now. 

Reading the book for focus also sounds a lot like somebody and the steps you would take to manifest something and make something happen. Especially like achievements or things that you want to accomplish. So it's putting in the effort toward that and being aware of what you want. So there is a moment of celebration that he's working toward and focused on. This could be like any of them where it's a focus on being discharged and celebrating that moment afterward. And maybe he's like super highly anxious and focused on that specific countdown day. So I think he's really looking forward to the end. And at the end there could be some kind of celebration that would include a wedding. I don't know if it's he's seeing somebody I don't know. There are lots of people in our lives who could get married but it's just interesting that he got four of wands and this card looks so much like a bride carrying flowers. They're both carrying flowers. So there's nervousness here. I mean we won't know until he gets out but maybe he has promised somebody that at the end of his discharge they could celebrate something. It could be anybody else throwing a wedding or party but I'm just saying it's looking like I want to imagine a situation where he is with a woman Yes a woman probably very likely and they're both looking forward to this moment and there's a celebration and there are flowers and there is somebody in a white dress so I'm just saying. 

It's interesting that the focus card talks about manifestation and creating things when the character on the four of wands is the person who created BMO and a lot of robots. So there's this idea of creating a dream reality. Creating his own happiness. Highly focused on what's going to make him happy and what's coming up in the future. There's also an interesting take on flowers. It could be that being with Jin now he has flowers in mind and that's how he associates the end. It could be a focus on beauty and happiness and things that are good. Also to have flowers you have to put in the dedication to grow them. And when you do that something really beautiful comes out and you've created something.they are white roses so it could signify like a friend getting married. 

Of course I like don't see anything in the cards to indicates to me a person that he's seeing now or whatever. I'm just like literally this is exactly what it looks like on the cards. But like I said it could be a friend's wedding. Once he gets out and he's looking forward to that. Or it could be way in the distant future that there's some type of marriage. We have the numbers four and the numbers 9. So this could be something for next April or it could be something in September or the event could take place on the 4th or 9th of a month. I don't think he's getting out until early October maybe. I'm not sure of the specific date. But maybe he's getting out on like the 9th or the 4th I don't know. But there is no way a guy as amazing as he is is not dating somebody. Like I don't know if any of them were dating and they took a break because obviously it'd be difficult to keep a relationship while you're enlisted. Especially for JK and JM who are like in the middle of nowhere and mountains and apparently it's hard for them to get a lot of time off. 

I'm not sure what to totally make of the nine of swords beyond being like a generally anxious as a person always he seems to be. But this character has a harp and the swords kind of make me think of communication and writing. So I think when he gets anxious he might be writing and working on things like at night you know when he's in bed and about to go to sleep. I also think this just indicates dreams. I'm really focused on the wavy one the second one from the bottom. I don't know why. Although it does kind of remind me when you like put a song together and you see the waves of the sounds. Also in the nine of swords on the bed there's another woman who looks like she has a bridal dress on lol. It's clearly princess bubble gum but it looks like yeah so I'm sorry but I definitely think there's a wedding coming up for him. It would be weird to be that focused on a friend's wedding unless it's like your best friend or you're going to be in it or you're worried about whether you're going to get out in time to make it to the wedding. But somebody's getting married 

Jimin

Okay for Jimin. We have the sun which can indicate Leo timing or Leo signs and we have Divinity. Kind of interesting already because flame princess is a royal person and people used to think that being royal was a divine right or divinely given. Despite there being a moon in the divinity card I also get the sense that it could just as easily be the Sun instead of the moon here. Or it's just a mix of the sun and the moon meaning feminine and masculine energies happening at the same time. Because the divinity card would definitely make me think of high priestess right which is a very feminine energy and in the sun is that powerful masculine energy. So there's like a balance theme happening here. 

More about the divinity card. So the intention says embrace your soul and true self. You are filled with the ability, strength, and knowledge you need to navigate your life's path. It's interesting that it says strength which is the other leo card. So I think clarity and bravery and being bold and getting out there or bringing something into the light could be a part of this. This could be more about the balance of those energies. If we're talking about the high priestess which usually means secret and we have a card about clarity, there could be a revelation of some sort that's happening for him or about him or will happen to him. It's such a nice balance of energy lol. Because there's such a softness and empress vibe and high priestess vibe rolled into this divinity card. It's very soft and elegant and then you have this powerful loud sun card. And flame princess is focusing on this crown and this particular red jewel but she's also not wearing it on her head. We see that there is red prominent on both cards. There's also a little bit of yellow and then a bit of green but I'm mostly seeing red which is the root chakra. Yellow would be solar plexus green would be heart.

I'm also wondering if he's kind of in the mood to dye his hair red lol. Or like he was just talking about what color will I dye my hair when I see you again and I'm wondering if right now he has an idea in his head that it will be red. Or is he like I'm between red and blonde because we see yellow here too. Another line associated with the divinity card is never forget that you have the spark of divine in you. Whatever you do or don't do won't change this fact. And the keywords are wise, sacred, deity. I kind of feel like both cards are talking about a deity or a god or the divine or fate or whatever you want to call it. Spiritual wisdom. He always has very spiritual cards and more often than not I typically get cards for him that are like the sun, the moon, death. Like with other members I tend to also get a seven card with him at some point. 

The number for the Sun card is 19 or 1 and 9 or 10. So any of those numbers could be significant in some way. More about the card it says you are quite surely a goddess with extraordinary powers and in other worldly realm. Hold yourself to the highest standard of exquisite excellence. You are walking on this earth to make the difference that was intended for you to achieve. Stand tall on the highest mountain. This line is interesting. Once you reach the apex, you will discover the entire spectrum of the rainbow waiting just for you. It's weird because I think that the universe has special intentions for him which can probably create a lot of tough burdens and challenges and lessons for that type of person. There's a lot of focus on embracing who you are and you know embracing the feminine aspects and the beautiful aspects and the graceful aspects. So the card is really encouraging the feminine traits or skills or talents of his personality and even of his physical looks. 

But then like you see this other card that definitely represents all those masculine traits. I'm not necessarily seeing a conflict. I'm pretty sure that he's mostly resolved a lot of the issues he used to have about what it means to be masculine versus can I accept these feminine aspects of myself and how will these be perceived. I kind of thought that would come up again going into a place like the military where you can't paint your nails, you can't wear makeup, you can't dye your hair, and I thought he was maybe worried about what he would look like without his hair and not being able to present himself as an idol. I don't see conflict here maybe if I clarified. I see someone embracing both sides. I feel like sometimes the fandom misrepresents him and it's interesting because everything he stands for is in contradiction with what the fandom likes to do to him. 

Because he is sometimes seen as “slighter” physically or because he did contemporary or ballet or because he has that feminine type of face that's very beautiful and artistic or he wears jewelry. But sometimes the fandom likes to treat him in this very heteronormative type of way where it's like okay well he's a little bit more “fem” than the other guys so that must mean that maybe he's gay or somewhere within that LGBT spectrum which is none of anybody's f****** business but anyway. But like what he has always said is that labels can be silly. There's a moment in maybe it was bon voyage the first one where he said you know what does it mean to be a man. He's always saying let men cry. 

And that's not to say he's always been that way because I remember this moment in an interview and JK was being asked what do you think about bikinis and he said something like I know all I need to know about bikinis and then jm says something like they don't even see us as men do they. And we know that at the beginning he thought he (Jm) had to be a muscle pig and ironically he's kind of switched roles with JK and JK became the muscle pig (but he doesn't seem put off by showing a fem side these days). So I don't know what's going on there with the flipping of the roles… or that both of them have kind of learned from each other about embracing both sides because I don't know if you saw the Calvin Klein cropped shirt photo but it's one of my favorite photos of jk and I think he looks amazing. Just as amazing as when he dresses in all leather and masculine fashion. But anyway my point was going to be you can't put people in a box because of your conceived notions of what you think people could be based on looks or how they act. 

So I can understand why he's also interested in both sides and you know how do I balance this and where do I fit. And I think you can have those qualities and be extremely powerful and still quite masculine in that energy. I just think he conveys both and he always has to me. I find him very beautiful in his dance and then when he puts on makeup and dresses up it's just beautiful. I don't think oh well he looks girly. And then you see him in in the soop wearing a baggy shirt and some shorts and chopping wood. Or he's got a baseball cap and a jacket and he's just like looking like any other well-dressed guy. 

What's my point? I just think it's probably always going to be a part of his life or the earlier part of his life to figure out the balance of those traits and what society tells him they mean but what he feels they mean could be completely different to that and then just balancing that within himself. I also just think he has spiritual powers lol. There's always something so sexy about him and that's probably the wrong word but it's because I just think the moon really fits him so well. But then yet it's clear that Sun is another aspect of his personality. This is a person that's meant to shine and can be bold but is quite like on the other side of it quiet and soft and elegant. Because you could look at these two figures and these cards and look at divinity with the cloak and then you look at the flame princess and it looks like that figure could be cloaked in flames but also it could be that flame princess is wearing this cloak and then she's taking it off. Maybe red is also his favorite color lol. 

So it's like somebody who is a feminine being or body or embraces that feminine energy being cloaked in a color that is a masculine energy. I also see it as somebody who's extremely passionate but it's like a quiet passion. Not that you'll never physically see his passion but it's such a strange thing to have to describe. But I'll just say it reminds me of dancing. Like specifically contemporary dancing. You have to make these fairly simple movements and portray them just using your body and emotions. And you have to do that in an elegant and sleek and slow way. And you have to contain it. It's like a contained passion right. And flame princess is also a very passionate character. And she probably had a moment too where she didn't know if she wanted to wear the crown and take over from her dad and so there has to be this choice of you know am I going to wear this crown and do this. And that could be about: do I want to wear this label do I want to openly wear a label of how I describe or see myself. But in Divinity there's a bit like it is hidden by this cloak right but then looking at this crown maybe I'm looking at the day where I don't have to hide in this cloak. I'm not trying to make this a metaphor, I'm not assuming anything about him because hiding things about yourself makes sense as a celebrity. you can hide all kinds of things especially when you have this complex about if people see parts of you that they don't like especially when you're a person you're a Libra of course and you don't want anybody to dislike you so you're afraid to show certain parts for fear of turning people away from you. 

Even if you're confident in yourself so I feel like one side of him wants to be able to show everything that he is but then there's this other part that wants to keep it hidden right to keep it secret for whatever reason. But there is hope here I think and looking at this crown keep feeling like this is somebody who's looking at something and dreaming of what could be and since it's a card about clarity it also feels like being able to live in the light and do this and be bold about it and like wear that crown. I still don't feel any conflict between the cards like I'm either this or that or I'm ashamed to live in the cloak. I just think they're two parts of him and I think he wants clarity and wants success as well. There's like quiet hungry passion for success. Yes I mean like physical success and awards and validation. Being the best, and having it to do with performance for sure. Like he gets super excited about the idea of performance and super excited about the idea of awards and winning things and being acknowledged in that way. I can also see the love of roleplay and even of costumes. Because look at how dramatic that is to be wearing that cloak and then her little warrior outfit. It almost looks like a kendo outfit though doesn't it too. 

Maybe he'll win a martial arts award while he's in the military. I also feel like maybe he'll win an award. I think I said that in his longer reading but like maybe he gets an award for a job well done for something. Oh you know and now that I look at the sun I'm starting to see Jack skellington's face in the Sun with like the stitches as the mouth and the little eyes. Anyway. There's a lot I could look at for in his cards and I feel like his cards always convey this type of feminine masculine energy with the moon and the sun. How he can be this quiet person walking through the woods but at the same time he could be this regal royal hot-blooded all in red flame princess right out in the sunlight for everyone to see. So it would make me think you know yeah he might perform wildly on stage and be very loud about it but he's also a very private person. I also wonder if there's a place he can go by the base. 

I personally think and have seen in the cards that there are a lot of mountains and I think I've already heard people say that but I wonder if there's a spot with trees that he can go to to take a walk. Even in the Sun card it looks like a barren rocky mountainous place and you have to put on this uniform. But then there's this very peaceful woods area with trees. If he doesn't have that then maybe there's some way that he can find this type of peace even at the base. Like looking at this little object like the crown can help transport him. So this could also be him on his phone when he gets to read it at night he's reading stories. Like manga or fantasy fiction novels. Or maybe putting on these costumes and going into this role as performer is also kind of like a safe space that he dreams about. 

You know since I thought his album was very cinematic in the way that the songs told stories or how visual it was or how concrete the video concepts were. I'm also seeing like okay this divinity card represents his imagination and flame princess is looking at this crown and imagining scenarios. Like if you are a writer sometimes you can imagine scenes like movies in your head so it could be him imagining himself in these different roles like being this cloaked figure and playing RPGs but also that feels tied to how he imagines songs or his love of movies. It feels very creative. Or maybe he can imagine things like paintings. Maybe he's inspired by art. There's probably just a lot of stuff about him that we don't know. I would love to have a chat with him because I find him pretty relatable. I think he's a tough cookie, I think people often underestimate him and treat him like s*** especially people in our own fandom, but this is a really strong and caring and creative and talented person that seems to also have some type of blessing from the universe. Like if he actually took up tarot and tried spiritual practices I think he would be able to do it intuitively or his power/gifts comes from his ability to interact with people and heal them oh well.

Anyway, I know that wasn't specific but I just think it's a bit of a time for him to figure out some things about himself and who he is and what he wants to show. Again, I'm not saying that the cards say he is XYZ. But the cards just say that he hides some aspects of himself, which we all do. And I think that that can be a struggle for him. But I think he has an ability to visualize very strongly and that might be why he is able to manifest certain things. I think he sees songs or scenes for songs or videos very concretely. But that also tells me that he probably visualizes things that he wants or things he hopes for the future very clearly as well. 

Do I think that any external debate from the fandom or anywhere else reaches him and still affects him in terms of that feminine versus masculine energy? I don't really think so. I doubt he pays that much attention to comments anymore or at least I hope he doesn't. Besides that aspect of feminine versus masculine, there also seems to be a layer of public versus private. However, this has gotten pretty long so cut it off here especially since they already did a longer reading for him. 

Taehyung - 

I took a couple days break before I did the last two. So tae has some interesting cards. For the tarot, there is high priestess and death. Uniquely spiritual cards, about wisdom, also about things that are somewhat secret. That's a little bit interesting because I feel like it's slightly tied into some things with Jimin. But putting that aside let's just talk about the tarot, high priestess can indicate knowledge, or secret knowledge, intuition, having to do with the moon, feminine energy. While death represents Pluto, cycles of death and rebirth, what they have in common is both cards indicate something being hidden or subconscious. So we definitely know that there is something pointing here to things that are hidden or covered or secret or quiet. So we have to look at the oracle cards, one says goddess. The other says serenity. Goddess gives me the vibes of going back to high priestess or empress even but looking at it you might also think about three of cups or even three of pentacles. Serenity kind of makes me think of hanged man. What also comes to mind is the serenity prayer, which ironically has the same sort of message about letting go of things that you can't control.

I put the Oracle box away and just kept the pictures but now I need to look up what the oracles are. Honestly I wasn't really going to post the group readings but I kind of feel inclined to after seeing that Jimin has a new album coming out. So I feel a bit excited about talking about some of these things coming up in the readings. 

To talk about serenity, the keywords are acceptance, peace, choice. The intention says make peace with your situation, unless you can and want to make a change for a better outcome. Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance. 

So before we move on to the next Oracle I'm again getting the same thing as the tarot which is I feel like he's totally embracing military life and what's happening wholeheartedly. It doesn't surprise me that this matches the energy of his letter. It's different than jins outlook about him going into the military or his general state of mind which is often you know live in the moment. But even when Jin lives in the moment It's as if he is having a reaction to the world and it's not like a genuinely carefree attitude. It's something that is practice by him and is almost like a meditation or when you have to practice a certain mindset. Whereas with Tae this feels like organically I don't give a f*** That's not putting it right because it's not like there's this rebellious thing. It's just like excitement for the unknown and what is to come and just like completely having his arms open to it and going with the flow. Which is probably something he's always done throughout life. And I think that explains some aspects of what's going on here. The secret stuff or the hidden stuff is a little bit something else. Which we might find in the last Oracle so let's see. 

Also sometimes when you get multiple secret cards it's also possible that someone doesn't want to show you something or it's unknown. So with goddess, the keywords are sacred, light, warrior. it says every stage of life lays the foundation for the next stage of life. Treasure each stage of life. And the intention says magic runs deeply through your veins, be wild and free. Awaken your soul and embrace all of your journeys around the Sun, whether they are traditional or all your own shining uniqueness. We are all warrior woman. 

Mentioning the sun when Jimin got that, I'm again maybe drawn to something connecting jm and tae in this reading. I'm not sure what that is and maybe it plays into the secret. Definitely since the goddess tends to look like three of cups and one of the women seems to be pregnant, which could be kind of like an empress vibe, you have to wonder if lol he's full of secrets. That might have to do with Jimin. There's also more moon energy because the goddess card talks about triple moon goddess. Which again makes me think of high priestess and empress. Then it says fundamentally, she is the same person entwined and wrapped into one being. Each life stage is associated with a phase of the moon. That's fascinating because literally we have death which is about life cycles and he got besides the moon card the other Moon card. The death card is a card I associate with Jimin. So again there's like some tie here in this current energy in this current reading that seems to be connecting tae and JM. I'm not entirely sure what that is or how it connects to what I said about Jimin in this reading. It could be that the things that Jm is hiding within himself or cloaking or however you want to call it, that these are things that he has recently shared with Tae. Over the phone or through a message or whatever. So that might be why they are connected a little bit. Or a lot, hard to say. I do see in the goddess card we have three people discussing things amongst themselves. I think it's like a deep conversation because we have the moon. I'm not getting three of pentacles unless there's some practicality to it but I see three people discussing something deep and important. 

The middle person seems to have a lot to say it could be because she's pregnant. They might be talking about something not just deep and emotional but having to do with the cycles like life and death or what are we going to do next in the future. My guess is they probably did have a deep conversation in the last couple of weeks. Because I'm definitely feeling strong ties at least on taes side where we're talking about secrets and cycles and maybe a little bit of abundance but that's kind of vague. We have elements of letting go of control and kind of accepting what's coming. So I think they probably shared some thoughts about life and who knows. Like I said you know with Jimin, it felt like he was reflecting on his place in the universe so it's very likely these two had some type of deep, emotional, extraordinary conversation lol. Like the kind where you are on the phone or your FaceTiming and possibly staying late into the night. I don't know how that would be possible with military or maybe they had it in the time that they were together. I think I pulled the cards for the group after the reunion. That doesn't mean I know when the timing is I'm just saying they spent time together so maybe that's possible. 

I think it also means that tae has been fairly sociable in the military. I think he is connecting easily with other people. I think that even so, I don't think he is getting super close to these people. It might be a very superficial type of relationship. I'm not sure on what deep type of level he's connecting with the people that he's meeting. But he's probably having fun. I almost wonder if he's purposely like not opening up. It might seem very much that he's being social and like talking to people but it almost feel like there's some barrier he's put up with new people that he's meeting where he presents as having fun and letting go but like inside I'm getting this feeling that he can't open up to just anybody. Unlike say a conversation he could have with Jimin. Where they have very deep conversations obviously based on years of trust and being okay to be vulnerable with each other. And I find I'm getting emotional lol that they are so deeply trusting of each other. That they probably know all kinds of secrets about one another. And definitely ride or die. I know that's very probably obvious to people. It's just interesting that I'm feeling this bond when those two are separated right now. But I don't think that that matters much when they come together. And I think that Jimin still reaches out to tae when he needs to talk and vice versa. 

I mean it also in the goddess card there is a sense of gossip as well. Like news being shared amongst the three women. Almost like you know besides having deep conversations there's this sense of urgency like oh hey I heard this thing by the way and then you call up your friend and you're like hey I heard this have you heard this is it true. I don't know what it would be about. It could be related to those deep conversations. Or it could be something separate. 

I think a lot of the feminine energy that's coming through really has to do with receiving. I think this ties in to being open to accepting whatever is coming his way. But I also think literally he's receiving things like secrets and information. This could be from people around him or it could be specifically other friends or members. Again I feel like a tie to Jimin. Jimin has shared something with him that's a secret. Probably. Again not necessarily gossip but information and secrets. Which can be hopes and dreams or fears or all kinds of things. 

I also wonder if he's a bit lonelier than he gives off. I don't doubt that he's probably making the best of what's happening and is probably genuinely enjoying these things. But I get the sense of somebody who's a bit alone. You don't get the moon coming up constantly to not have like some little bit of you that's lonesome. Do I want to say feeling misunderstood? Sort of. Not as in oh I feel so sorry for myself but more as in not always feeling like he belongs. Feeling out of place describes it better. Like imagine if you were an alien. And you looked like a human. You came to this world. You look like everybody else. But you just don't belong or that's how you interpret it anyway. I mean Tata is coming to mind but that's just how I feel right now. He might say all these fun things in a letter and it might be very convincing but I just feel like he's a little bit alone. Alone might be different than lonely. I mean it is different. 

So I feel more like the word is alone. Not lonely. Again I just keep getting more Jimin and how they must have had some conversation about life and cycles and what's next. Everything I said about Jimin and those things that he's reflecting on I just feel somehow it's tied to tae. And when I did the longer reading for Jimin, when I was talking about a friend from the past, I almost wanted to tie it to tae but it didn't make sense so I just deleted it and then I ignored it. But I wonder if some of that actually is connected to tae. If you end up reading that longer reading, it's about somebody from jimin's past coming back. I optimistically said it was about closure for both of them but given any situation it could just be somebody who feels unsettled about something that happened between themselves and Jimin. And has come back. I'm not saying if that encounter that I was reading about is either positive and harmless or like a little bit negative and concerning. I didn't look into that. I just knew that the person who felt left behind in that scenario was holding on to some negativity about being abandoned. 

So this could be somebody they both know. And there could be things going on with this person showing up again already maybe. I thought maybe they would show up in the future but it's possible that this person has already showed up. It's a person that these two know. It's just the possibility. As for whether these are the secrets being exchanged between the two. I don't know. I was feeling more like it was more about conversations regarding life. But this would also make sense for the hey did you hear about this. Maybe they had a conversation that was like hey do you remember this person from back XYZ. I heard from them and it's a little weird. I don't know. Or they're talking about rumors not sure. That would probably be a waste of their time though. But I definitely feel an exchange of some type of secret information. Only between them. Or a small group. I don't feel like it's serious or anything but I just don't really know there. 

That might go back to the serenity and conversations about you know there's nothing you can do about it. 

However looking at serenity again it says you know make peace with your situation unless you can and want to make a change for a better outcome. This reminds me of the idea of a two of wands… and you can choose a path where you don't do anything and maybe nothing happens or you can expect it to go away. Or you can take action. It says a better outcome. It does go back to reminding me of if you had an issue with somebody in the past and you can choose to ignore them or ignore it. Or if they're doing something weird with you you can actually take action and confront them and do something about it. I'm not saying that's what's happening here I'm just offering something. In the art for the serenity card it looks like a witch but she's actually a mermaid and she's sitting on the cliff with a cat familiar. When we think of this position and a mermaid usually it's somebody maybe considering well I guess in case of the Little mermaid it would be pondering if she wants to give up her tail to join the human world. So this could be about an unfulfilled wish or desire. It could be that this desire is already here and now you have a choice to make. 

The art is a little lonely or is giving me that vibe. I get the idea of again back to this conversation they're having… talking about feeling alone. And it's like I want to be able to feel like I am a part of that world lol. It's weird we're talking about this and I literally was talking about aliens. So definitely this is probably on to something. But we have somebody contemplating how they want to be part of something, but they feel kind of alienated from that even when surrounded by people or even somebody who is very good at drawing people to them. Or seeming like they are perfectly extroverted or sociable. But it's kind of like an act. I don't want to say that I think he's fake. It's coming across like somebody who's trying to find that feeling of belonging. But just can't seem to make it click. My guess is there are probably few people that tae feels absolutely himself around and I do think one of them is Jimin. 

As for his other friends that's a possibility too. I don't know enough about them to dig deep into what I'm seeing. But even in this picture we have one lonely person talking to a cat. So the cat could be one particular person like Jimin or the cat isn't anybody. Like it could be you know a dog. As in this person is feeling alone and doesn't have anybody in particular they're speaking too. I get that from the art like this is someone who is just alone and the cat isn't necessarily anybody that we know of. I also think maybe there is some acceptance and peace. Not just about being in the military. Now I'm sitting this more as someone who is accepted a feeling inside of themselves. Maybe he has accepted that he's always going to feel this way at times. Like he's always going to feel a little bit lonely or sad in any situation. I think he contemplates it more than we probably realize. I guess I want to say he might not come off seriously in content. At least that's even my perception of him. But I'm seeing somebody who does a lot of deep thinking about life. And then he has these conversations with someone like Jimin. I'm sure there are plenty of other members he converses with. But I'm just seeing Jimin at the moment. 

Let me look at the tarot cards again I have to scroll all the way to the top to see if there's any imagery I want to focus in on… I just see more of someone who is told certain information and then is left contemplating about things. And the information is shared or gathered or received among multiple people and then one person is left alone thinking. I see that with the high priestess card as well. Somebody who seems to be holding on to something. And then a death card that also signifies things that are hidden or secret and being resolute. I think he is probably a lot of people go to him to tell secrets to him because they know he won't ever say anything. So I think he knows a lot of things about a lot of people. From being directly told or other people go to him to tell him about things. I don't think he particularly gossips himself. At least not anymore unless it's still like someone like Jimin lol. As for digging into whether it has any relations to a romantic situation. I don't see anything. I remember reading for him previously and feeling strongly that there was someone. There is feminine energy around here but I really think that's about receiving things. Receiving information and being open to new experiences. Almost in an experimental way. The only relationship I see clearly has to do with Jimin. And I'm not saying that's romantic lol. I'm just saying they are closer than you will probably ever know when we already think that they're close. 

But even then there is something about tae that feels like devastatingly alone in this universe. I think some people just feel that way. If they're an old soul or they haven't found that perfect match outside of like maybe a platonic soul mate. Which is great too but like not that one single person that you would expect to be a romantic match. That might just like make you feel like oh I'm not alone. I think that sounding a lot bleaker than it is but I do I just get the sense of feeling like an alien. All the time. Everywhere. And then brief times of closeness with people close to him. He might have also come across some life wisdom. To me it feels more self-developed and not somebody came and told him some advice on how to live life. I mean I guess that's possible given that somebody in the cards looks like they're talking about information amongst each other and then somebody's contemplating right. but overall it still feels like it's self-made wisdom. But yeah it almost feels like somebody came and told him something and then you had to go have a think about it. 

Granted it could be vice versa and it's like contemplating about something and then going to talk to friends about it. But it's a secret lol. It's a secret in the sense that sure maybe it's not meant for us. If it wasn't meant for me to read it wouldn't show up in the cards. So I'm saying the information is meant to stay only among the couple of people that he's speaking to about it. It could be that he's actually depressed. I'm not seeing tons of that. But it could be like you know I'm a little sad. I'm a little lonely sometimes even when I'm around people. This could be a theme that he's felt throughout his life. It is a little sad. It actually reminds me of the little Prince. I know we associate that with Jimin. But I am getting somebody who's dressed up like the little Prince and sitting on the planet and maybe he has the little rose to talk to. But even when he's talking to the Rose it's like the rose doesn't really get it. Like the rose just can't human. So it's still really lonely. 

I mean beyond that it seems like he's okay. Given times. Well you could say something like oh between cancer season and Scorpio season perhaps this information or this feeling of being alone could be happening then. I'm more inclined to read something related to the moon in Scorpio. That definitely would be a time about feeling things deeply or being deeply introspective. It could be about a timing thing. I'm not sure when the next moon in Scorpio is. I'm not sure what his moon is. But there's a lot of deep reflecting and receiving information. This information could be coming from people or it could be coming like from the universe. In terms of like sudden thoughts and moods coming to him to contemplate about life and cycles and stages of life. But there's definitely secrets in hidden things involved. That might be the barrier for me not to see exactly what is being talked about and that's fine. Oh lol apparently the moon is in Scorpio right now. That's weird. So again this is a conversation that probably recently happened or just happened is happening now. Again they were together recently so that's probably a good time to have a longer deeper conversation. 

I mean it would also just reflect that I'm doing the reading right now lol. So this is about current energy. 

What else can I say. Both cards are about water energy. There's the moon and there's Pluto. I mean both bodies here represent cycles and phases. Things that are hidden, emotions. So definitely a lot of strong emotions that are either buried underneath or hopefully something that he talked about recently to somebody. I do feel that that has to be the case given what the one card looks like. But that card is also a lot about phases. It just seems interesting that he and Jimin both have similar things on their mind at the moment. Which maybe they always exist on each other's wavelengths somehow. Just like how women sometimes cycle up on their periods who knows. So yeah I think you know if they could talk and have a live in the next few weeks they would say something like oh when we met up for the reunion Tae and Jimin had a long conversation about life and changes. 

Again secret feelings or sharing secrets with one another. But I think a lot of that is also about the things that he hides. From a lot of people. And maybe it's simply about how lonely he feels. I don't know what to do about that. I kind of feel for him. I don't think he gets depressed when he is away from the people he can talk to. I think he just endures. You know how some people feel lonely and they just feel so sorry for themselves or they think they just can't find a match. But he just…can't seem to find people to relate to and doesn't try to fake it. And I'm saying this isn't always surface stuff this is something he probably hides but it's not like he's not aware. He just hides it and this is a lot how he feels on the inside. 

I felt a bit focused on the flag on the death card but I don't really know what that means. Plus I can't see it very well in the photo because I'm pretty blind. 

So I think that pretty much covers everything I see for right now. It could change in a month you know. So let's move on 

Jungkook 

10 of cups and abundance. I mean what can you say. On the surface that certainly looks like emotional happiness and abundance of love. Being around family. This could be at this particular moment when I did the cards which was around the reunion they could have been celebrating and having a great time. And he could have just been vibing. Not that there's anything wrong with being happy lol. There are times when I have read his cards in the last 6 months and it looked like he was having a good time. Ironically it was around the time when there was like a military game that they were doing. And I got the sense that he was enjoying himself during that? Or at least that time. I don't know if he participated in the games but there was like cards I had that involved fun or playtime and being in the mountains and it just felt fine. So let me look up that Oracle card for abundance. He's just happy or he's something else. Like there's not a lot of thought happening there. That didn't sound right lol. So again 10 of cups, this is as good as you can get. If it were a relationship it would be super happy and ecstatic. It can also be a card about family. Blood or otherwise. I mean if I wasn't trying to look too deeply I'd be like yep looks happy. Looks like he has an abundance of happiness. Why question? 

So looking at the abundance card you have a witch and two cats. It almost looks like one cat has its nipples pierced lol. That's just kind of funny. The witch is holding a basket of again I can't see anything but maybe it's like a basket of the moon and stars. If that's not it then it's just apples but that would make sense since they're growing on the trees. I don't know. So we have a sense of stars and moons. There's another phase connection here. Stars usually represent wishes or goals. There seems to be two other cats. So again maybe there was a conversation among the three youngest of BTS recently. I am not sure on that so it's just interesting there are three and I keep getting this idea of phases. So it says abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into. The key words are harvest, grateful, overflowing. The intention says count your blessings, goodness prevails. Your life is full and you have all you need. 

I didn't do this for the others but I'm going to go ahead and read the whole page for this. Delve deeply into your life…past, present, and future. Take into account even the smallest gifts that have been bestowed on you. As humans, we sometimes forget that the simplest blessings are often the most important and meaningful. We think we will always have them. Life is fragile and can change in one second. Begin this very moment showing the universe appreciation. The sun has risen another day. Again the sun being mentioned here. Continuing on it's warm rays offer you comfort as they wrap around you. The moon hovers above, glowing in the night sky. Her dim light casts dancing shadows allowing you to dream. That sounds like stars and goals and stuff. These are just two examples of miracles in themselves. Simply say thank you to the universe.

We can talk about the tarot. We have Jake and Lady rainicorn. This certainly would indicate potentially romantic love. I mean they are husband and wife so it could also be a familial love. It could be that he was literally meeting up with family as well. This could be BTS or literal family and just having a good time. There's the potential that there was also a romantic meetup of some kind or an abundance of a romantic type of love happening. The rainbow kind of makes me lean toward love actually. It could mean other things lol like celebrating pride month. A rainbow has seven colors. So I think maybe it was just a real appreciation for that moment that he got to spend with BTS. 

I don't think there's much to read into his cards. Like I'd love to read in and maybe it had some insight into the military life. I don't think from his letter that he's having a super amazing blast all the time. So I think in this one moment that I shuffled his cards, he was having a good time. It could also be the universe's way of saying you know you don't really have anything to complain about. That you have everything you need, that you have a lot right now. That might be something he realizes that he doesn't want for anything. I just see the card saying this is somebody with a lot to be thankful for. Especially when it comes to people who care about him. I wonder if he got spoiled a little bit during this reunion. Let me just like since I actually have the Oracle cards around shuffle one more. And just get an extra vibe check for him not like I'm trying to be like okay it's suspicious that he's this happy and fulfilled. If I were in the military would I feel that way? But it doesn't matter because it's about in the moment what was he feeling when I shuffled the cards. So I got three cards. 

We have unity so again I'm kind of sensing a reunion there. We have nurture which has a picture of somebody by the fire with all of these little pet companions. And we have soulful that has an owl that looks like a baby owl on the branches and then there's a little be above it or wasp not sure. The owl makes me think of him. Lol it has these big eyes and it looks like a baby owl. I don't know what the b or wasp represents. This owl is so cute lol. It really does look just like him. I kind of feel like this baby owl is maybe watching the witches in this unity circle. It's 8 which is joined hands in a circle under the moon. And then you have this lovely cozy image of the witch reading a book around the fireplace. So yeah it feels like a family or cozy together and the little owl is kind of taking it in with wonder and appreciating it. And I think that makes sense for the tarot cards right. Around all these people and having a good time and feeling comforted and loved and cared for. So whatever was happening in that moment for him it was a very good feeling. I should probably take a picture so you can see how f****** cute this owl is

So I don't know where he was. But it looks like there was a party, there was this feeling that reminds me of in bon voyage 4. When they played the card games and they were listening to their old music and started dancing around. Like when they listened to their old songs and then JK heard his part with his young self rapping and then he like danced around out of embarrassment and it was so cute…. Yeah so probably not in the military at this moment. Probably just taking it in. Trying to ingrain the image of whatever happened into his mind so that when he's alone he can remember it. I'm still really curious about this little wasp/beathing. A hornet? Maybe I should look up what that means as a spirit animal. Well a hornet is about tenacity and determination. That doesn't really fit the image so maybe it's just a bee. And it's about honey and something sweet. It could be about being stung about something. It could be that he was buzzed at the moment lol. It could represent somebody on his mind in particular. Now I have to look it up to see what the hell this card says about the bee. Okay creepy I turned right to the page. It says happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul. That's interesting since he had the ten of cups. 

It says feeling, depth, journey is the keywords. The intention is let your magical light glow around you. Soft stardust will dance like fireflies and the wondrous Twilight sky. Interesting again because that's what looks like is happening in the unity card. So maybe they got together and they were singing and dancing. Movie there was a fireplace or they were in somebody's house or had rented a house that was very cozy and maybe even near the woods. It just feels like a really cozy and nice atmosphere. And it was like kind of like balm to the soul maybe. Like a honey. I want to also read this card for you. 

Since I obviously feel most drawn to this card. Your soul is the spiritual part of your being. Look closely into the mirror of your innermost existence and you will find your deepest, Ross, most authentic thoughts and feelings. Each memory and experience that is part of your soul is safely tucked away inside of you. Light the sparks in your soul. Be carefree. Let your colors dance wildly around you. This kind of looks like the ten of cups card by the way. As in like dancing around and being carefree. Let your colors dance wildly around you. Dig deep and your garden will flourish and bloom and Leslie. Your own sole journey is very personal. Protect your internal soulful powers. You are the keeper of them. Remember, you are a wondrous soulful being who knows you best of all

And almost immediately the one song started playing in my head. Like who are you You're not the girl I fell in love with. Anyway yeah. 

I'm just so curious about this stupid little bee it didn't get explained in the car did it. Let me pull one more card and be like okay what is the deal with this b. 

Ironically I got the card balance. Isn't that crazy how you're like what's the deal with this b which voice to text refuses to say b e e. So we're definitely going to rebalance. It's just a card with trees at the bottom and then the moon and there's like this branch coming in that looks like it's covering the moon. So let's look at balance real quick especially since we have a confirmed b.

Of course be is also an album. So I think we are again confirming that maybe when BTS got together they were singing some of their old songs. Or even watching old videos where they sing or whatever. 

Okay so keywords for balance, then, being, namaste. The intention says find your happy medium, take care of your mind, body and spirit. Find yours in explore your being strive to create balance. The other part says self-care is, fundamentally, about bringing balance back to a life that has grown imbalance from too many commitments or responsibilities. Well that's interesting right. So I think he must have had this moment during the reunion probably where he spent time with the group and it was a very healing moment. They probably danced and shared stories and had a good old time and it made him feel like he was having fun and it was a really nice cozy warm feeling for him. That's it. I don't think there's more to read in that moment other than we have put to catch a glimpse of him having really nice time with the group of people. And it made him feel in balance after moments of probably not feeling quite like himself or feeling out of balance. And I still don't fully know what to bee was about besides leading us to another card. I guess it also looks like a shrimp lol. Maybe he was just really hungry for shrimp at but the time.

I don't really see anything else for him. You can't argue with abundance in 10 of cups. 

It's not much to go on but in terms of dates, the 10th could be a significant date for JK. That doesn't really narrow it down. Or the month of October can be significant for him as well. We just have in terms of numbers 1 or 10 to go on. So something about the self or something about completion or something about a cycle. That's sort of vague so I would just assume that we're close to the end of a cycle. Is it time for a full moon? Did we just have one. I don't remember but usually you start saying tens around the time that it would be a full moon. But again 10 of cups emotional abundance, literal abundance Oracle card. Yeah. Pretty good cards to get. Maybe he'll receive something in October in terms of abundance. Like whether it's emotional abundance or like a ten of pentacles abundance. 

Or something about the number 10 it will be significant in terms of abundance. I don't know but like for example putting out a song or album called 10 or getting 10 on the billboard or releasing something on the 10th or releasing something in October.. if it were a song, it would be a dance track I think. Like electronic dance music or trap music Wait is that the right thing I want to say. So maybe after jm releases music in July you might see more music from JK in October. That's just a guess. I guess besides having some electronic music happening, there could be like soulful music or slower music. Something that would be comforting and quiet. Maybe you'll see like a b or a hornet or something on the jacket cover I don't know. Or maybe the album title will start with b. Or song that starts with b. Or he's wearing a yellow jacket lol. Or it's about the 10th track on an album. Which would be surprising since none of them seem to have more than a handful of tracks. Or maybe if you go back and look at Golden whatever the 10th track was.

In case you're wondering, it's shot glass of tears so maybe that's relevant. Maybe that's a mood. There you go!

Okay wait I went to look at the song lyrics. And besides mentioning the Sun, I was drawn to the 42 and body because first of all I was like what the hell does that mean. I didn't listen to Golden a lot. I love standing next to you but the rest of the songs I couldn't really relate to I'll say. Though I think I remember shot glass full of tears and it was fine. So I found this I don't know if that song was written by somebody British or not 

I love interesting since we were actually talking about 10. But supposedly yeah okay someone on Twitter was like oh it's about hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy. I'm reading more like this is probably what it meant but like slang that most of us don't know. I'm American. I have never heard anybody say this. And I don't watch Love Island. 

So it's saying that yeah whatever her body is perfect or something. A 10. But also I think it's still stands about the number 42, which the other side of it is yes related to hitchhikers. And then there's this thing about how 42 is the ultimate answer to whatever ultimate question but nobody knows what the actual question is. This has been like a running thing through a lot of entertainment stuff. If you ever watched the old show X-Files. Mulders apartment number was 42 based on this. Point being that yes it does represent the mysteries of the universe. So I think it's a mix of all of that. You're probably like WTF but I mean related to his cars there's something about an ideal or something feeling or saving perfect in this moment. There's also a sense of maybe serendipity. Something coming together. Something the universe has put together serendipitously that feels perfect, that feels like a 10. 

[littlemissheavenonearth]

Hello again love🤣❤️ I’ve read the first two chapters of your fic and I’m loving it already! That’s exactly what I had in mind when I asked you about a childhood friends fic with Joe so thanks a lot. However, I was wondering if you could write a fic where Steve wants to ask reader to be his girlfriend but he doesn’t know how so he asks Phil for advice. (Steve ends up regretting asking Phil for advice and he decides to make it simple but romantic)

A Match Made In Heaven (Steve Clark x Reader) {Collaboration with @stevesfuzzypinkslippers}

Y/N. She was gorgeous, even that is an understatement. We’ve known each other for quite some time, but I never had the guts to ask her out. She was at Def Leppard’s first show and we took the time to talk after the show. I remember seeing her in the crowd and then whispering to Joe that I’ve never seen so many pretty girls in one place, but she was the one that was on my mind. She’d come to every show after, it’s making me think that I did something right by talking to her.

She was sweet, she was easy to talk to. Is it too dramatic if I say that I’d trust her with my life? Probably, but that’s the way she makes me feel. It might be because I’ve never met a girl who made me feel this way besides the women in my family. I felt like I could tell her everything. Because she understood exactly how I felt.

“I know I just met you Steve, but I want to help you.”

Eventually, at the fifth show she came to, the boys and I asked her if she wanted to join us on our On Through The Night Tour. She said yes!

I remember the day we embarked on the tour, we were on our way to Manchester because apparently we started there and not Sheffield (This was gonna be the next show after Manchester), anyway, She wore a white and black striped crop top and a pair of blue denim shorts. She was carrying a large light green luggage.

“Do you need help with that?” I asked her.

“No, I’m ok, thank you,” She smiled sweetly, she was struggling a bit, it wasn’t a secret, but she never asked for help. Maybe because she was trying to prove a point that she could get through certain things long. I knew she could, but at the same time she was doing so much for me, I wanted to return the favor.

I started having feelings for her, when I first laid eyes on her, but I guess I never thought much of it until we spent all of our time together during the On Through The Night Tour. We’d talk about anything and everything. She had this laugh and smile that lit up the entire room. When I wasn’t in the happiest mood, her presence made everything better.

“Hey Steve?” She knocked on the door of my hotel room. I got up from the bed and opened the door.

“Y/N! Come in!” I grinned and she walked in doing the same.

“I was wondering, could you teach me how to play guitar?”

“I would love to,” We sat on my bed and I handed her my orange Gibson Les Paul.

“Thanks! I never realized how satisfying it is to watch people play guitar. If it wasn’t for my friend who forced me to come to the Def Leppard show with her, I never would have realized.”

“Watching people play guitar is incredible, I agree, but playing is a lot more fun, love,” I moved so that I was behind her, she positioned herself so she was comfortable to play.

“Where do I start?”

“Do you want to learn a song, or music theory?”

“Uh, maybe a song. Specifically the song ‘Wasted’, maybe.”

“Of course!” I put my hand on the fretboard, “Alright, so first it’s 2 open strings on the low E string.”

“Which one is the low E string?”

“The one closest to you,”

“Oh! Thanks!” She played two open strings.

“Great! Now a 7 on the next string.”

“Here?” She pointed to the 7th fret on the A string.

“Yup,” She played it. It took about half an hour to get the intro to the song up to speed, but she did it and she was good at it. It was then that I realized that I was falling for her.

For years, I did nothing about it, I tried to ignore it. Then during our Pyromania tour, I realized I had to ask her to be my girlfriend. The first thing I did was ask Phil for advice.

~

“y’realize i’m the last person anyone should ever turn to for advice,” he chuckled a bit, speaking lowly as he allowed me to enter his flat.

pyromania was set to be our biggest tour yet. as much anxiety as it brought, i knew that it also served as an exciting challenge, especially for us guitar players. and in between rehearsals, we found bits and bobs of time to catch up, tell each other what was on our minds.

but that girl… god. her presence was undeniable. i just couldn’t erase that image of her. not that i had any sort of history with falling for girls too quickly. typically i’d get too drunk to remember.

“so who’s the girl?” phil asked me when we’d both situated ourselves on the couch.

“girl,” i snickered, remembering the band he used to play in. “well… she fancied my guitar.”

“don’t they all,” he rolled his eyes.

“no, but it’s not just that,” i shook my head. “ah, this is gonna sound so cliché but… i’ve started to develop remote feelings for her. i’m just… y’know… nervous… if she’ll feel the same way. you feel me?”

“well, i don’t even bloody know what she looks like. you might as well tell me she was a fuckin’ model and i’d buy it.”

a smile spread through my lips, remembering what she did look like. depicting it in my mind felt like a dream, spurring a whirlwind of butterflies.

“brunette,” i recited from memory. “short-ish. shorter than you.”

“oh, shut it,” phil backhanded me.

“but she… she was into it. she dug the guitar. was into my drift. i wanna… i wanna play a song for her tonight but… but what?”

phil shrugged. “you’re steamin’ clark, you impress the ladies just by bein’ yerself.”

i looked up to the cracks in the ceiling, lost in thought.

phil looked up there too. “you think they’d put us in a better-budgeted place, huh.”

that’s when i got it.

“bringing on the heartbreak. that’s one of my favorites. i’ll play that for her. then i’ll teach it to her afterwards, when we’re back in the flats…” and that’s when i would make my move.

“mate,” phil shook his head and rested a hand on my shoulder, gripping semi-firm to capture my attention, “play something she’ll instantly recognize, y’know, a crowd favorite.”

“but, but ‘heartbreak’ *is* a crowd favorite,” i shot back. “besides, she’s a regular. she’s got our discography committed to memory.”

“verbatim?” phil scoffed, folding his arms.

“for the most part, yeah,” i smiled fondly, as i was indeed impressed.

and she was beginning to pick up her guitar like mad, knew all the licks, knew how to properly bruise up her fingertips while playing. “givin’ me a run for my money, are’ye,” i’d joked to her once.

still, she was comfortable being with me, and i felt the same.

so i figured, tonight, might as well get it over with. now or never.

right before the show started, a few nights later, phil and i got to talking, after i’d pulled him aside. i was still nervous about how everything was slated to go down. i told her to stay up towards the front, that security would keep her comfortable, but in a nice, close proximity view to where i’d be running around like a gazelle on steroids.

that night, we played to a sellout crowd, which was entirely expected. but the whole time, while my hands were fixated on my strings, my eyes were fixated on her. spotlight raining down on her, cascading her body in a flood of brightness.

it was quite a sight. i was so in awe, even breathing out inaudibly, which actually helped my heart rate, in the long run.

i guess there was more than one plus to having her in my corner.

after the show, she came and met me backstage, where is sweaty freaks had towels slung around us, sauntering around the room like we were drunk animals.

she threw her arms around me and kissed my cheek. i guess now was the time to make it official. but what i needed to know was… was she ready?

“you liked our show tonight?” i asked her, and she nodded.

“yes, very! i especially liked heartbreak, how did you know that was my favorite song?”

i chuckled nervously, “i… i didn’t. wanted to shout you out, but coukdnt bring myself to. was too nervous.” suddenly i felt my cheeks turn hot, the dismal lighting not strong enough to mask the red glow suddenly appearing all over my face. “would you… would you like me to show you how to play it? do you mind?”

she put a hand up to her mouth and giggled slightly. “oh, absolutely! you’re the best teacher, after all.”

“then let’s go then.” i put an arm around her and together we walked off to the flat where i was staying.

and it went exactly how i’d shown her how to play countless other riffs. low lighting, gentle atmosphere, away from all the noise… just how i liked it. what only felt right, and fitting, for me to pop the question…

and of course, she instantly said yes, throwing her arms around me in an overly-enthusiastic state. maybe it was leftover from the high of the night. but otherwise, i felt refreshed, knowing just how much this all meant to her. how i meant to her.

after all, it wasn’t that hard to fall in love with a cheeky riff master.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist:

@elliotts-personal-property @joes-sha-la-la-la-girl @terrortwinsfav @littlemissheavenonearth @genxrocker @i-love-def-leppardhostaccount @jimmysdragonsuit13 @ni-hao-kitty @steveinscarlet @stardust-bitch @ride-the-hammett @nenynra @metalbrojack @bludgeon-riffola @lil-melody-moon @rickallensbarefeet @switch-6-2-5 @discothequechaser @armageddonviv @wasted-my-time @the80srewinders @moon-fashioned @alexaelliott @defsteria @leppardcampbelllove @whitelightningstrikes @appetite4savage @make-me-your-animal

[mixelation]

ok so in the reborn AU, does Tori get fuuinjustu training from Kushina and Minato or just her sensei? what's in it for Deidara to stay in Konoha with Itachi and Tori?

gonna answer these in reverse order

tbh deidara's role isn't super fleshed out in my brain, to the point where i'm debating NOT putting him in konoha? but i really like the idea of Team Disaster and they're all about the same age, and i can't think of any other native konoha-nin i want to write about in a role that big

(the alternative is an actual twelve year old has the worst year of their life.)

i think he goes with "guess i'm in konoha now???" at first as a matter of convenience. they low-key get strong-armed into it, but he is theoretically on board with being Actual Friends with tori at this point, and tori has interest in staying. i don't think deidara would actually give much of a shit about the mysterious time travel or what to do about it (except maybe go see if sasori remembers him), but itachi is in a constant state of playing 4d chess and tori is in a constant state of ASSUMING everyone around her playing 4d chess so she has to watch five different boards at once and eat chess pieces when no one is looking. in other words if he leaves them alone they MIGHT kill each other and/or start the apocalypse. if he sticks around to watch he gets to see a spectacular shit show and maybe get some hot gossip on former coworkers. it's kind of a similar mood to homemade dynamite where he's annoyed by the loss of freedom but does like some aspects of being in a village-- a stable space to do art, a paycheck, etc. UNLIKE in homemade dynamite i think this deidara gets more chances to shine as a really elite ninja and i think he really, really likes positive attention, actually

i've kind of kicked around one or two or all of them leaving konoha eventually, but i'm not sure deidara would just fuck off without a particular catalyst. he is, after all, a very reactionary person. unlike HD!kakashi, kushina knows she has an extremely talented team and she gets to bat her eyes at the hokage and get them the cool, fun missions genin wouldn't usually get. so deidara is get fulfilling work and positive attention and he doesn't, like, hate it here?

as for tori's fuinjutsu--

yes, she starts off with kushina as her main mentor. this tori is from post-plot plasticity so kushina very rapidly goes from "i will train her in fuinjutsu--" to "ah, no, this is more of a collaborative learning experience." like there's stuff kushina CAN teach her but also there's stuff where she's like "hold on, no, you made that work HOW--" tori DOES need a lot of proper mentor-mentee training in other areas of being a ninja though.

(kushina: spar one of your teammates

tori: what if

tori: no)

as she gets older i'm thinking tori gets more face time with minato though, even if it's just like a peer review thing. i have kicked around the idea of her incorporating hiraishin into whatever the fuck her fighting style is but also this seems so self-indulgent fhdjksfhjksd. but also the point of the au is to mess around with the idea of tori being a ninja and getting to be on the same level as the rest of akatsuki :(

[th3-0bjectivist]

The Salvation Day Interviews (1 of 2) with musician Anthony Tadlock

     Dear listener, as a special treat and for the edification of music lovers all over Tumblr this is part 1 of 2 of my Salvation Day Interviews with Anthony Tadlock, A.K.A. t-underneaththeradardancing on Tumblr. Mr Tadlock, I recently spent several hours listening to Salvation Day. Thanks for agreeing to answer some questions about your band’s music. 

    When I dive headlong into music that I’m not too familiar with there’s always this sense of discomfort, but when I started with Mercy from your EP, The Backdoor Sessions, I felt distinctly like I was sitting in a new bar and listening to an exceedingly talented local band perform live. I know we’ve discussed this one-on-one before, but for the peeps on Tumblr, what was the actual genesis of SD, and how did you and Ms Vita Rhie Quintanilla meet? What was the spark that brought you two together to record in the first place?

     to set the stage - so to speak - i had been performing with and jamming and hanging with a young musician - very loose no muss fuss - 3 weeks before meeting vita i had a mild heart attack - mild but the hospital experience was literally a nightmare and nearly killed me - a couple weeks after getting out i was invited over to play/ jam/hang out - wuz expecting at most a couple other ppl to b there - btw to digress - t is very much an introvert - to digress further - t is a stage name but the only name ppl in the music aspect of my life know me by or call me - anywaves - i had just set up my guitar and amp when i could feel a presence coming down the stairs - a young woman - at 1st i guessed 25- ish which would make her the 2nd oldest in the room - she looked at a painting of crows and i said something to her about my love of corvids - i was improvising on guitar - some blues - i think a bass player was playing along and maybe another guitar - she started singing improvising lyrics and we started riffing off each other - her voice blew me away - then she started playing her original songs - omfg ! - anyway - i hoped that we would play together again

     a couple weeks later she walked into Madrone Art Bar where i frequently played open mics -she was with my friend - both joined me on stage and we did what i call "deep space nine " which is what i called any unplanned unrehearsed collaboration onstage - i of course could not remember her name - she handed me a business card lol - she told me she had a weekly gig at a cafe i had performed at and would i like to join her - by this time i knew she was diagnosed w schizoaffective disorder - that she was 17 still in high school and a witch - we started performing together playing her gigs - open mics - on the street ...there is of course more to the story which may be covered as we go on

    I went through every song on Salvation Day’s YouTube page, the instrumentals and the voice go very well together, and I must admit, there is great synergy on display. You two had me mesmerized a few times, particularly with tunes like Para Ti and Reincarnation. Tell me, do the instrumentals come first, or do the lyrics/vocals come first, or somehow both at the same time? What goes into the process before you record?

     virtually all of salvation day songs are mostly vita - the lyrics in particular - some have come out of improvising at gigs - or as vita would say - we are just gonna pull something out of our ass now - some she has already "arranged " before i hear them others she asks me to figure out some chords and key - it should be noted that after graduating high school she moved to davis ca about 100 long miles away with no good way of getting there and back on public transit - required bus ride - a subway ride and finally a train and took 3 hours - neither of us drive though she recently learned - t cant see for shit so - and there was lots of drama in the summer preceding - however we rarely felt the need to rehearse - at early gigs i would ask whats the 1st chord and what key - sometimes the answer was - idk - jimi hendrix chords lol - sometimes they were jazz chords i didnt know - i still play a lot of chords im not quite sure the name of and double stops that suggest a chord - on a good night i play by ear and improvise mostly - when we decided we were gonna make an album - we formalized the arrangements and figured out keys etc ...

     sometimes - like last week when we got together after not playing together in a couple months - tho exchanging some snippets thru email text etc - vita thought of some lyrics on the spot - i started playing some chords - we fucked around w it a bit - made a rough recording on fones and will see if something comes of it - Reincarnation was written just before we met - vita says the songs morphed and become different thru my influence - Para Ti she had come up with a couple months after we started playing together - we were at the friends house - and he had become totally indisposed - we were supposed to start the recording process that day - we waited around to see if he would improve and she started playing it - i came up w the lead guitar lines - btw to digress to q 1 - vita was often in and out of hallucinations and delusions at the time - she has no memory of the 1st time we met and hazy about the beginning period - one last example Mercy - written entirely by vita - tho my guitar was central - she sent me an audio file - it has chords i dont know - i just followed her voice and elaborated - tbh i still dont know what key it is in lol - like jack sparrow eluding capture we just make it up as we go

    Do you have any advice for aspiring musicians out there based on your experiences with SD so far? Have you had any creative blocks or serious problems when generating new music? If so, how do you get through them, and what do you think the most important thing is for a musician to do when they feel discouraged or dejected by their own bad experiences with music making?

     whew - thats a tough one - i have been playing guitar for almost 60 years - been in a number of bands and playing situations - have been discouraged countless times - most recent was the whole experience of recording a studio album with a producer - it was hugely stressful for myriad reasons and ego deflating and not in a good way - we coped w that by recording the Backdoor Sessions ep - the bulk of was recorded in a couple hours in vita's tiny dorm room using garageband - it was done without rehearsal - and we played 2 gigs in january that we were happy with also w no rehearsal - we also released vita's book The Schizophrenic Dialogues - all while covid was rearing its ugly head - no gigs to promote anything - no spoken word opportunities - vita was in terror of infecting me - between age COPD and heart i was a likely candidate to die - so we saw each other rarely

     i had invested a huge amount of $ in the studio album - to cope vita started a collective based on Sacred Arts Productions - a jewelry biz and an art biz - i worked w our web designer / friend / collaborator maggie umber to get our web site up - and started recording daily snippets for instagram and spammed the fuck out of tumblr - vita and i met mostly outdoors - playing mostly acoustic where the chances of infecting me were minimized (she got covid twice during this period ) so i guess my advice is 1) forget the ego and bullshit that goes w doing - anything - but particularly the creative 2) forget about "success" and numbers - sales/listens/hearts...3) just keep on keepin on - that said it aint easy sometimes - i been playing as i said almost 60 years - theres still so much i dont know - i try to learn new things and ways almost daily - just showing up is sometimes a victory

     Listen to Salvation Day on Youtube. Back at the end of the next week with part 2 of my Q&A with Mr Tadlock. If you liked this post, please spread the word about SD and consider reblogging this set of interviews. And if you haven’t done it yet, scroll to the top of this post and smash play!

[greatrunner]

But, regarding Niger's decision; the further along we get into this phycological and physical war of attrition on the global population, the more and more, I guess, comfortable I see people becoming in questioning American's persistent acts of violence against countries (nations, states, etc). And, honestly, I want it to happen more than it is now.

The outright comfort and impunity that the America has as it meddles in other people's affairs, all on the pretense of "protecting national security" or "stopping terrorism", really, really depends on the belief that American(s) will continue to believe in, or never question the idea that America has any business establishing military bases all over the world, and "intervening" in other people's business.

The fact dumbasses like Twitch streamer Destiny can say stupid shit like, "Arabs are incapable of anything but violence", or that our US news media can so comfortably run a narrative like "Iran is behind Niger's decision to end relations with America and France", and never receive pushback for it, is becoming less and less tolerable for me.

But in the words of anti_mia_, "So what?" So what is Niger is working with Iran? Like, that's literally none of your fucking business America. Unless you're invited to work with them, you don't get to say who these people work or collaborate with. And, honestly, people need to start fearing getting popped in the mouth again for saying blatantly racist shit.

I'm still learning about BRICS, but, like, if the intention is to isolate America to the point where it actually has to start cooperating with the global populace in order to sustain itself, more power to 'em, honestly.

America makes it more and more clear that they, and their fellow collaborators (so-called Israel, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, France, Canadian, Britain, etc) thrive on this constant mode of fearmongering. It's why, in the grand scheme of things, we've seen so little (lasting) change in here in the States when it comes to equity and our way of life, and why the backslide into overt-racism, loss of access to information, and loss of bodily autonomy, is happening so quickly, so rapidly.

Racism, specifically antiblackness, requires that people buy into the idea that they're under constant threat of destruction, that others need to be disenfranchised to make them comfortable.

All of which to say, capitalism and whiteness needs people to be afraid of alternative ways of life. It needs people to believe that everyone outside of the states are barbaric ingrates out to "take away their freedom". And less and less people that view the world around them as "the enemy", the less and less power the ideas powering the two party system and capitalism itself has.

And this is not me saying we're going to become a problem free society. The shit the elites have done to create this system? The shit we've done to each other in a state of constant survival and being raised in a very violent, unhealthy society? That's gonna be like tearing lays of wallpaper off a perfectly bare wall. But, I believe we'll become less of what our societies are now, y'know? A crumbling deck of cards pasted together with blood and totalitarian ideals.

It's not a question of if liberation happens, for Palestine, for America, others, y'know?

I'm just frustrated that it's going to take more than our lifetimes to actually see fruition. We're building toward it, obviously. I'm not saying we're doing nothing, but it's the experience of getting there that makes it hard, y'know? If you believe in people being reborn after death, we'll be radically different souls and individuals on the other end of this journey. We won't know who we used to be, or how we contributed to the changes.

Experiencing all this violence, witnessing all this harm, all this preventable damage. It wears on you, makes you cry, makes you want to withdraw. But that's never gotten us anywhere.

"I just want to fast-forward to the part of my life when everything's okay."

[blackchantilly]

Was tagged by @rivetgoth to list my nine favorite albums right now. This is going to be some amalgamation of all-time favorites and stuff I've revisited lately with newer (i.e. within the last couple of years) fixations -- neither an exhaustive list nor a snapshot of the specific moment. Here are just some albums I like and have been thinking about!

Public Memory - Elegiac Beat: I know I've been annoying about them lately. I've been a fan since their first album, but when I listened to this album for the first time last fall it was one of those love-at-first-listen moments. Like literally the first few notes gave me intense goosebumps and I knew I was in for a major treat. I adore the ultra-spooky downtempo sound and the dub influences, and I love how so many of the songs flow into each other. The result is extremely cohesive and artfully executed. Favorite song: "Tall in My Room"

1000 Eyes - Duality: This is the newest one I've listened to multiple times. More spooky downtempo stuff, which you will learn is a common theme in my favorites. This one leans more ambient and is mostly instrumental. It exists in the same space as Silent Hill music essentially, which makes sense because 1000 Eyes worked on the soundtrack to the game Signalis -- one of my two favorite survival horror games of the last few years. The only problem is that if I'm not careful I will fall asleep listening to this, haha. Favorite song: "Affirmation of Null"

My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult - Confessions of a Knife: I saw them live a couple of weeks ago and so I've dusted this one off a couple of times recently. I think most industrial fans would say this is TKK's most popular album. It's nearly perfect; there are only a couple of songs on it that I don't love. Favorite songs: "The Days of Swine and Roses," "Waiting for Mommie"

George Clanton - 100% Electronica: I WILL BE seeing him again this weekend, so we're about to listen to a bunch of George Clanton again! If I had to choose a favorite album of his then I guess this would be it, but Slide is a really really close second. Actually it's almost too close to call. Most would classify him as vaporwave, but I think people who aren't fans of the genre would like him because he mostly just makes pop music that sounds like it's from the '80s and '90s. I wore this album out in 2019 after I had worn out Slide and needed to move on to more of the same. Last time I saw him live I got to meet him, and he was wonderfully charming and funny. Favorite songs: "Bleed," "Warmspot," "Never Late Again"

Sacred Skin - The Decline of Pleasure: Sacred Skin is my new Drab Majesty -- I basically proselytize about them to anyone who will listen, lol. Like I imagine how I feel about certain pop-driven darkwave bands is how Christians feel about Jesus. This album has been out for a couple of years, but I still listen to it maybe once a month or so because it's pretty much flawless. I especially recommend them to fans of Tears for Fears and Duran Duran. Favorite songs: "Far Away," "Alive in the Night"

Drab Majesty - The Demonstration: Ah hell, might as well list them too. Here's another flawless album that I still listen to semi-regularly even though it's seven years old now. When I first listened to them (it was actually the song "The Foyer" that hooked me) I couldn't believe how they sounded so much like an amalgamation of my favorite classic gothy bands -- like if the Cure, Depeche Mode, and Cocteau Twins all collaborated. This is a concept album about the Heaven's Gate cult, for added fun! Favorite song: "Dot in the Sky"

Night Sins - Violet Age: I was listening to this obsessively at the same time I was listening to Sacred Skin obsessively. At the time the closest goth event to me was in Tulsa, which is a fucking nightmare of a 2+ hour drive from where I live, so my favorite thing to do on my way home was queue up this album right after the Sacred Skin album. The association lingers. I've waxed poetic about Night Sins recently so there's no need to restate all of that. I just really love their hooks and how unusually swingy a lot of their songs are. Favorite song: "Corium"

Body of Light - Bitter Reflection: I like a lot of songs from their earlier albums, but their newest release is so good and so consistent. It has a beautiful melancholic and atmospheric vibe that sets it apart. I actually preordered this on vinyl on a whim and was so glad that I did when it finally came out. Favorite song: "Never Ever"

Underworld - dubnobasswithmyheadman: I'd feel stupid if I didn't include it. This album is 30 years old and is generally lauded by gen X former ravers everywhere. I am a millennial and have never technically been to a rave (unless Happyland Music Fest counts), but I also love it very much. I've been listening to this since 2017 and it's still what I put on when I need to do some mindlessly repetitive work or just need to kill an hour and 12 minutes -- both somewhat common occurrences. A few of their albums are notably excellent, but this will probably always be my favorite. Favorite songs: "Dark & Long," "M.E."

As usual, I will not tag anyone specifically, but do it if you want!

[dailyanarchistposts]

Conclusion: It Works When We Make It Work

The many people who conspired to commit these rebel stories to paper and get them into your hands have been thoughtful enough to provide you with one parting example of anarchy: the book itself. Imagine the decentralized network, the harmonious chaos, the confluence of liberated desires, that made it possible. With passion and determination millions of people breathed life into the stories we present, and many of them struggled even past the point of certain defeat in the hopes their utopias might inspire future generations. Hundreds of other people documented these worlds and kept them alive in our minds. A dozen more came together to edit, design, and illustrate the book, and even more collaborated with proofreading, printing, and distributing it. We have no boss, nor are we getting paid to do this. In fact, the book is priced at cost and our goal in distributing it is not to make money, but to share it with you.

Publishing is an enterprise we were supposed to leave to the professionals, and books were something we were supposed to buy and consume, not to make ourselves. But we forged ourselves the permission slip to pursue this project, and we hope to show that you can too. It can be tempting to present such ambitious projects as magically final products, leaving the reader to guess how we did it and reveling in the illusion ourselves; however sometimes it’s better to let an inopportune gust of wind blow in, sweep up the curtains, and reveal the machinations backstage. This book, then, proves to be no different from all the other examples illuminated herein, in that its creation was also a matter of constructive conflict. The collection of people immediately responsible for publishing it is not a homogeneous circle, but rather includes editorial groups with distinct modes of operation, and a primary author for whom writing is an individual activity. Because of differering needs and opinions, some people could not see this project through to its end, but as anarchists they were free to leave the group when it was in their interests, and they had already affected the manuscript in good ways. Meanwhile, thanks to a flexibility of organization, the project could go forward.

As the individualist in this group, I learned and developed in ways I would not have had I been working in an authoritarian group. With a traditional publisher, I would be forced to concede whenever a disagreement arose, not because I had been convinced of their point of view but because they controlled more resources and could determine whether the book would make it to print or not. But with our horizontal arrangement, I could receive criticism that I knew was intended to develop the book to its outermost potential, rather than just to make it sell better in a dumbed-down market.

Granted, publishing a book is not the most amazing achievement, and the wee paper thing certainly isn’t about to storm the Winter Palace, feisty as it is, but one of our most basic points is that anarchy is much more commonplace than we’ve been led to believe. And hell, if we can make it work, so can you.

Also like the other stories we’ve told here, the story of our storytelling contains its own weaknesses. We’d like to be the first to point them out. Unavoidably, a couple things are missing. One is a matter of realism. While making this book we’ve tried not to romanticize the examples, though clearly these pages do not provide the space for a full analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of each cited revolution or social experiment. However we wanted to give some indication of the abundance of complexities and difficulties lurking beneath the surface of every example of anarchy. But if the book is at all successful, if you readers do not simply say, Oh, that’s nice, anarchy is possible, and then go back to your lives, but instead you actually arm yourselves with this knowledge to plunge into the creation of an anarchist world, you will quickly discover for yourselves how difficult it is.

The truth is, sometimes anarchy doesn’t work. Sometimes people don’t learn how to cooperate, or a certain group never finds a way to share responsibilities, or infighting leaves an entire movement flatfooted and unable to survive the grave pressures of the world around it. Even some of the examples described in this book eventually fell apart due to their own internal failings. In other cases a liberated community will be brutally repressed, a squatted social center creating a bubble of freedom from state and capital will be kicked out by the landlord, or the state will find some excuse to lock you up for participating in the struggle to create a new world.

Many people who fought for anarchy ended up dead and defeated, or simply demoralized. And their sacrifices will not be celebrated unless we write that history ourselves, to learn from their failures and be inspired by what they won.

Another failing of this book is that we have not been able to romanticize these examples enough. I’m afraid our meekly attempted objectivity omits how inspiring it feels to put anarchy into practice, despite all the difficulties. The stories here are real, on a level deeper than the footnotes, the chronicle of dates and names, can express. Some of these stories I have lived myself, and they are wrapped up in the very writing of the book. The tedious satisfaction of organizing infoshops and learning how to use consensus, in defiance of the stifling psychological terrain of the United States, was my inspiration for starting a book about what an anarchist world would actually look like. Though I still haven’t finished that project, it led me to research what anarchy already had looked like. On a park bench in Berlin, taking a break from studying the autonomous movement of that city, I sketched an outline for this new book, and a couple weeks later, in Christiania, I saw how an entire neighborhood living in anarchy seems perfectly ordinary.

It occurred to me that I might encounter many more living histories if I looked. Over the next year I went to a seventy-five-year-old anarchist camp in the Netherlands, and waded into a continuity of struggle in which the past does not imprison the present, but fertilizes it. I stood in provincial Ukrainian towns that once overthrew authority and tried to imagine how they looked, gardened in an anarchist village in the mountains of Italy and felt down to my very bones what the abolition of work means. As I traveled I corresponded with one of my best friends as he went off to Oaxaca for six months and participated in the rebellion there.

Appropriately enough, I finished my writing in a squat in Barcelona, where I was stuck awaiting trial and threatened with prison time after a police frame-up. The park down the street used to be the city jail, but the anarchists tore it down in 1936. In 2007 our social center took it over in protest of our impending eviction, setting up a free store, putting out a selection of books from our library, telling stories to the children. Unexpectedly illegalized, I found my survival tied up with the network of liberated spaces throughout the city, that housed and nourished me. And these spaces, in turn, depended on all of us fighting to create and defend them.

The same is true of all the other histories we’ve seen: none of them owe their existence to spectators. These stories show that anarchy can work. But we have to build it ourselves. The courage and confidence we need to do this cannot be found in any book. They already belong to us. We only have to claim them.

May these stories jump off their pages and into your hearts, and find new life.

Peter Gelderloos

Barcelona, December 2008

[nightmarist]

For the artist questions, 6, 21 and 30 if you dont mind

6. What’s your least favorite thing to draw?

Ironically what people tell me to draw.

It's my love-hate with commissions, where I can need the money but dread what people are going to pay me to draw. However, I do like requests, there's a semantic difference in my brain for a request bc usually requests are framed in ways that people want me to draw something they think would match my art or think I the artist would enjoy drawing vs commissions where people want something I just couldnt care less about but Have to do it.

Since I've gotten more established professionally IRL I get to be more choosy about what I take on as commission, so I might just endup doing a whole "I'll only do commissions if I actually like your idea" since I do want to be paid for my work and I do think people have really cool ideas I would love to pry out of their tangled brains and put to paper or canvas or whatever. But even then, If I do really love someone's idea, I mean. Fuck it. I'd love to do it. I love making things for people and giving them away. The fleeting aspects of art can be art too.

21. Do you like to challenge yourself?

Yes !!! I constantly do shitty little sketches and go to drawing tutorials, ask my art instructor and professor friends for tips, tricks, ideas etc. I do a lot of exercises and recently I've become much less afraid of creating backgrounds now that I have a better grasp how to make them. Similarly I'm trying to figure out painting more, which is both fun and challenging.

I don't want to do Just realism, I would love to experiment with other styles. Now that I have actual income, I can "waste" resources (paint, canvases, etc) practicing. Usually the issue is, if I make something, I can't buy back the things I used to make it, and therefore can't continue making. One of the big reasons I've been doing so much more art lately than the past decade.

30. What inspires you to not just make art, but to be a better artist?

How do you define it? Is it what's the most realistic? I can do realism. I have. Ive been doing it since I was a young teenager, I had galleries and awards and was paid hundreds to nearly a thousand dollars for pieces. My parents kept all the money. Now that I'm an adult, no one gives a shit that some thirty year old man can paint a realistic portrait of a celebrity. It only mattered when I was 13 and 14 using a program no one ever heard of (paint tool sai) or didnt think photoshop could be anything but a photo editor. Realism isnt fun, anyway, at least not anymore for me.

I do think that things like "the basics" - anatomy and realism, still life, color theory, perspective, all should be learned to learn how to make compelling art. But they dont have to be used in polished, aesthetically pleasing ways. Once you learn how and why "oh these colors clash and make people turn away from how jarring they are" you can use that. "These perspective lines are weird" can be just as compelling when you have the knowledge to fuck around with it.

I think the thing for me is, after having collaborated with so many other artists IRL and seeing their work, art is so much more than being "good" or "better" or "best" — it's expression. What you express, how you express it, those are each personal things.

Art isn't just painting. Or embroidery. Or convention. Its this lady in town who makes full body puppet costumes out of scrap blankets and broken ceramics. Is this old woman in the country side who makes masks out of paper and crayons. Its a local punk who learned to silk screen their own T shirts with weird shit.

I guess more or less being a "better" artist for me is coming to understand that there's no actual such thing. You can have your own personal goals, set them, and make them.

In addition, "every artwork is practice for the next"

It's a perpetual cultivated skill that, when you look back, there will always be something you could have done "better"

[umichenginabroad]

Reflecting - Madrid

Shaking the fogginess of my dissociated state, I draw back my to the journal in front of me, staring at the blank page, taunting me to spill the ink of my adventures and learnings from the past few weeks. 

Studying abroad, while initially daunting, is one of the best decisions I made for myself. I needed to form my own opinions of the world, to reach beyond the tattered pages of a textbook or my Instagram feed.

So I did just that. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and put myself in a new environment where I could learn more about myself, learn about the world. And it is an eye-opening experience. The adjustment was filled with culture shocks, embarrassment, headaches, and laughter. But through it all, I made new friends, had compassionate professors and acquired a team of people in my program that eagerly answered my questions. The best thing that I did for myself in this adjustment was to keep an open mind. If something felt astray, I simply would take a step back and try to understand it from a different angle.

When I found myself longing for the ease of living back home – wanting the comfort and regimen of my life in Michigan – I gave myself grace. I looked for ways to adapt to my surroundings, and turned towards journaling, yoga and cooking my favorite meals to ground myself. I also reminded myself that these frustrations and feelings of uncertainty were indicators that I was exactly where I needed to be, because it is in these new environments that we grow. There is so much that we don’t know about the world around us, and ourselves too. We must take that leap of faith, and give ourselves the chance to expand our horizons so that we might become better, more understanding human beings. There is only so much that you can capture through a lens. To feel, walk, and observe personally the world around you… it’s exhilarating.

There is much that I will bring home with me to Michigan, and as you likely guessed, I am not talking about souvenirs. I will bring home irreplaceable memories, a different lifestyle, new friends and perspectives on the world. Studying in Madrid gave me these incredible experiences. I would not trade them for anything, except perhaps a chance to do it all over again, to keep growing and see who I might become as I continue to challenge myself and my beliefs in an ever evolving world.

Many of the lessons I learned resonate with the principles of engineering and the environment. As engineers (Hello, Monica!), we must be able to understand the full picture. We must be able to see the world from diverse perspectives to understand how our designs and plans for the future could affect others. Part of this line of thinking requires immersing ourselves in new cultures so that we might be able to see where people’s ideologies, beliefs and mental infrastructures originate from and understand the impact – especially the implicit results – of our designs. There is no “one size fits all” solution to the problems vexing the world. Thus, I’ve learned that above all, we must talk with each other. We must collaborate and share the extent of our knowledge. We have one Earth, one chance at life. We must work together to achieve a safe, just and peaceful world. It is possible. 

I am incredibly grateful for those that I had the privilege of meeting and collaborating with this summer. I want to especially thank Monica, my professor, for an incredible class and guidance as I pursue new paths. I want to thank Alicia and the CEA CAPA team for all of their support, amazing trips, dinners, classes and advice. My friends – Gemma, Aidan, and Lukas – for the laughter and memories that we shared. And of course, my family, whose support of my ambition and thirst for knowledge gave me the confidence to pursue this extraordinary journey. Thank you all. I hope you had a few laughs in following my semester abroad, and maybe learned something new along the way. 

Sincerely,

Lilly

[michaleideas]

Art Restoration: Water-Damaged Mural in Los Angeles County - Hugo Ballin's Art Deco Legacy

Unveiling the Secrets of Mural Restoration - An Exciting Journey!

Join us as we dive into the captivating world of mural art restoration with professional art conservator, Scott M. Haskins. If you're passionate about Los Angeles' Golden Age, intrigued by painting and mural art conservation, or dealing with water-damaged artwork, you're in for an enlightening read!

Anecdote from Scott M. Haskins:

"The first painting I ever worked on was high up on scaffolding in an 800-year-old monastery at the top of a mountain in northern Italy, in front of a mural dated 1365. I was learning mural restoration from a very experienced veteran UNESCO mural conservator from Vicenza, who had worked on murals in the Buddhist temples in Burma and in the tombs of Egypt. Working shoulder to shoulder with him, I not only benefited from his extensive experience but also loved hearing his stories about his travels and the emotions he felt working among the tombs of the dead."

Conserving Hugo Ballin’s Legacy

“These memories recently became very poignant as we worked on the art conservation of murals by Hugo Ballin, in the mausoleum of the Woodlawn Cemetery in Santa Monica, California. Not only was Hugo Ballin’s tomb 15 feet from where we worked, but we were surrounded by thousands of the dead who were constantly looking over our shoulders during this two-week project to preserve and restore these five murals. I was vividly reminded of my mentor, Paolo Bacchin’s stories of working in the world of the dead.

Given the positive message of the faith-based murals we were restoring, I guessed that if he was indeed present with us, Hugo Ballin was encouraging us, inspiring us, and collaborating for the successful completion and preservation of his artwork, and for the positive cultural heritage aspects of the public art.”

The Challenge of Water Damage

Water damage can severely impact paintings, murals, and other valuable items. This type of damage affects both the visual appeal and the structural integrity of the artwork. Issues can range from discoloration and mold growth to more severe damage like warping or flaking paint.

The vintage murals, originally painted in Hugo Ballin’s famous recognizable Art Deco style, were thinly painted in oil on lightweight canvas, then glued to the walls of the mausoleum with a thick, lead-based adhesive. The extent of the water damage was heartbreaking. These materials did not hold up well with water seepage and the rough handling of inexperienced maintenance and restoration personnel over the years. Mold had infiltrated the paint layers, and the colors were dull and faded. But we knew with the right care, these murals could be brought back to life.

The Restoration Process

Restoring art damaged by water and mold involves several meticulous steps. First, we stabilize the artwork to prevent further deterioration. This may involve drying out the affected areas, removing mold, and treating the surface to halt the spread of damage.

Each mural needed to be carefully removed from the wall to be cleaned. FACL conservators cleaned off the mold, removed loose dried glues, redid busted-up plaster, and properly remounted the original paintings on canvas back into their original positions on their original walls. Surface cleaning and revarnishing were done after this removal. All of this work was done with professional art conservation standards of practice and ethics.

Finally, we worked on restoring the artwork to its original condition. This can involve repainting areas where the paint has flaked off, fixing any warping or structural damage, and applying protective coatings to prevent future damage.

“One of my favorite parts of the restoration process is seeing the colors come back to life. It’s like watching the artwork breathe again after being suffocated for so long.” - Scott

Related Services for Water-Damaged Art

At FACL, we offer a comprehensive range of services to address water and mold-damaged artworks. This includes decontamination, stabilization, and preventive measures to protect against future damage. Whether it’s a beloved family heirloom or a valuable masterpiece, we’re committed to preserving the integrity and beauty of your art.

Hugo Ballin: An Artist of Many Talents

Hugo Ballin was an extraordinary artist known for his remarkable contributions to both the art world and the film industry. Born in 1879, Ballin was an American artist, muralist, author, and film director. His creative journey took him from painting exquisite murals to directing memorable films. This unique blend of artistic talent and cinematic vision made him a standout figure of his time.

“When I first learned about Ballin's dual career, I was fascinated. It’s rare to see such a seamless blend of cinematic and artistic talent. His films had a painterly quality, while his murals told stories with the depth of a film director's eye.” - Scott

From the Silver Screen to Public Art Murals

Hugo Ballin was perhaps the highest quality and most well-known mural artist in Southern California, particularly in the Los Angeles area, in the first half of the 1900s. In addition to his work in Southern California, he was known nationwide and was even part of the art competition at the 1932 Summer Olympics.

Before dedicating his life to mural painting, Hugo Ballin made a name for himself in Hollywood. In 1917, he began working for Goldwyn Pictures in New Jersey as an art director and production designer. By 1921, he moved to Los Angeles at the request of Samuel Goldwyn. Ballin directed several silent films, bringing his artistic vision to life on the silver screen. This experience in the film industry influenced his approach to art, allowing him to create murals that are not only visually stunning but also narratively rich.

Ballin's training in classical painting is evident in his murals, which had been completed across the United States. His mural art eventually made him one of the foremost muralists in the Los Angeles area. Notable works include murals at the W. M. Keck Foundation Central Rotunda at Griffith Observatory and a set of frescoes depicting the life and death of Christ, located at Woodlawn Memorial Cemetery in Santa Monica, where Ballin is also buried. Each piece tells a story, capturing the essence of the subjects with meticulous detail and vibrant colors.

“I remember visiting the Griffith Observatory as a kid, being awestruck by the grandeur of those murals. Little did I know, years later, I would be part of the team helping to preserve Ballin’s incredible legacy.” - Scott

FACL, Inc. was later asked to consult on the condition and treatment of the Griffith Observatory frescoes.

Conclusion

Hugo Ballin's legacy as a mural artist and movie director is enduring. His work continues to inspire and captivate audiences. At Fine Art Conservation Laboratories, Inc., we are honored to play a role in preserving his murals. Our expertise in dealing with water-damaged painting restoration ensures that these masterpieces remain as vivid and impactful as the day they were created.

For more information on our services and how we can help with your art restoration needs, contact us today at 805-564-3438.

Protecting the beauty and integrity of your artwork is not just our job—it’s our passion.

Serving the Western United States

Fine Art Conservation Laboratories, Inc. proudly serves areas from Santa Barbara County, CA to Orange County, CA, as well as Las Vegas and Salt Lake City, UT. Our work in art and restoration helps maintain the cultural and historical treasures found in these regions. We offer door-to-door services, ensuring that your paintings and murals receive the care they need without you having to worry about transportation.

“I’ve had the pleasure of working with clients across these areas, each with their unique stories and treasures. Whether it’s a mural in a historic building or a painting passed down through generations, the joy of seeing these pieces restored is immensely rewarding.” - Scott

Art Insurance Claim Guidance

Fine Art Conservation Laboratories’ 45 years of expertise in preserving and restoring art offers invaluable help and practical knowledge for helping people through the insurance claim process for damaged collectibles and art pieces. Our experienced team understands the complexities of insurance claims related to art, heirlooms, and antiques, providing reports that are properly prepared with information that the insurance company never puts in doubt. Fine Art Conservation Laboratories charges flat fees for this work, not a percentage of the claim settlement, and our expertise is honored nationwide. Let us help make the art, heirloom, and collectible part of the insurance claim process as seamless as possible and preserve your peace of mind.

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[littlemisssunshineshair]

entry #14

i don’t understand how people form friendships with other people, become really close to them, and then don’t know how to talk to them when they are going through a hard time. i understand that not everyone is comfortable with dealing with vulnerability but it is very painful and difficult to deal with when you are the one struggling. it also is painful when you show your shadow side to someone (because everyone has a shadow) and they judge you for it. i think that’s especially painful because i love people so unconditionally and i sadly discovered that my friends don’t love me in that way. i treat my friends like family and i have seen their flaws, their demons, their lies, and i still loved them despite all of it. i never judged them for it and i always encouraged them to be better. i always listened to their feelings with an open heart and mind when they had a problem, and they stab me in the back. for example, J going to K and L after i poured my heart out to him and made it into drama. i poured out my heart to K and L about Lucifer so many times only for them to go to his party.

I loved them despite all the horrible stuff they did to me. I forgave all the lies, the shittalking, the cliquey attitudes. I created an instagram community where people in our class could uplift and support each other by submitting their creative work. it was my idea and i shared it with them out of love. i wanted to collaborate and then they don’t put any effort in the community and as soon as i removed the account, they make another one. different name but with my idea. they never asked permission to use my idea and they never bothered to include me in it either. i gave them so much only for them to take from me. i loved them at their worst and they couldn’t bother to do the same for me. i gave and i gave and i gave, and barely received anything. no wonder i felt myself spiraling before i understood what the problem was.

negative energies and lack of reciprocation in any kind of relationship can really drain your energy and leave you feeling depleted and anxious. for most of this semester, i found myself feeling anxious or depressed for no reason. i didn’t normally feel like my happy self and i thought maybe it was just the stress of school getting to me. i was starting to have mental breakdowns and i just couldn’t understand what was wrong until everything came to a head and i went back to therapy. my body knew these people were toxic way before my mind did, and i realized that just how much i was ignoring and dealing with when i started living at home again. i was constantly around the negative energy and i no longer had any peace. i forgot what peace was until i took a breather from that group. i’m not saying that they are bad people, it’s just that they are not at a phase in their life where they can honestly look at themselves and see what they need to change, and that’s okay, they will grow in their own time, but i do not have to bear the brunt of most of it anymore. i guess i’m just moving on to somewhere else and letting go of what i thought our friendship was. for so long, i wanted to believe these people were my soul family, but you can’t force something to fit when it doesn’t. maybe this is for the best. maybe this is a lesson i need to learn, that i should be more discerning and not so trusting. i guess i just wear my heart outside of my body and i get emotionally attached to people quickly and in the past i have over shared when it comes to my personal life and that has gotten me in some trouble. not everyone can be trusted.

i love being friends with everyone. i love people, but trust is earned. not given, and i think i have given people my trust too quickly (in friendships at least) in the past. i love to give love to people and i wont stop being friendly and open to others, but i definitely could have better boundaries about who i let into my heart because a lot of people have mishandled it.