#and i forgot to mention the infantilization stuff

[soullikethesea]

Seeing T later.

I've been feeling really avoidant lately. I couldn't bring myself to write T anything either. So yesterday it came back to bite me and I was very dissociated/disoriented, with nausea and headaches. Yay for psychosomatic symptoms!

Which means I forgot my key and had to wait for hours until someone got home and I could enter again. I just said that I got lost in my thoughts, but man I felt ashamed for that happening (again).

Anyway, in those hours I hid in a library and got a surprising amount of work done. To the point where I got all of my work done for the next two weeks. Kind of wild. And then when I got home I read 200 pages in a book?! Whatever was going on was very uncomfortable and yet so productive...

I saw my mum last week and it felt really disturbing at times. I've noticed lately that she acts really odd when we are around other people (her friends). She basically pretends that I'm still around seven years old. Like, she acts as though I need help with everything and when we saw her friend the first thing she said was "X is very tired today" (X being me). Later she talked about moving to her friend, turned to me and said: "And we still can't find your horses!" (Meaning toy horses). Things like that.

It feels inappropriate. My aunt mentioned it as well when I visited family abroad. She said that my mum had called ahead and tried to arrange/prepare everything. I suppose she thinks it is a caring gesture, but it actually feels incredibly off. I'm way into adulthood by now and it just feels infantilizing and inappropriate. Even when we have little parts, I can handle myself in the world just fine.

So I have no idea what to do. I probably should confront her, but I'm like 85% sure my mum will just laugh. Like "Hahaha, you want me to take you more *seriously*? Hahah, okay okay, sure. She wants to be taken more seriouslyy.... pfft" *rolls eyes*.

It's definitely a different side to her. Unintegrated stuff.

Anyway. Exercising has been going quite well and I'm at least happy about that. I can manage chest-to-bar pull ups now and I think I'm almost ready to start doing weighted pull ups. :)

[changbinsboobs]

Your readings are so interesting ! I have been loving them so much. About Han being more stable than you thought, I agree and it doesn’t really surprise me much. I feel like the fandom sometimes hyperfocuses way too much on his mental health- they make it seem like anxiety (or any other mental issue) is an inherent personality trait of his, which is why a lot of fandom seem to think he’s a mess. Also I feel like a lot of people can’t wrap their heads around the idea that somebody with anxiety could possible enjoy the idol industry- performing, interacting with people, being on stage etc, therefore he must constantly be in distress (which is a lil ableist ngl)

Like, I’m sure he’s still a bit immature, and has some growing up to do, but he’s not walking around with SOS tattooed on his forehead ya know?

Anyway, love your readings. Can’t wait for the dorm dynamics one you mentioned in your other post - I’m so curious what goes on with in Chan and IN

Thank youu💗💗💗 and yeah I've noticed that with other members or other idols too in general. Like they hear something about the idol (in hans case that he has social anxiety) and they project that on any little "weird" behavior that they exhibit (by weird i mean something thats outside of the persona the idol usually portrays). I understand the good intentions of wanting to protect their belived idols but a fan can't really do much protecting if we're being honest. And more often than not (almost always) the fans' interference does more damage than good. Imagine you get an anxiety attack once, because you're swarmed by people. And now the whole world thinks you have an anxiety disorder. Maybe you've never thought of yourself as someone with anxiety, maybe this happens like once every 5 years. But now everyone talks about your anxiety and kind of unintentionally forces that on you. After a while you start identifying with it and might indeed exhibit auch symptoms. And because of that whole thing fans do when they escalate a little situation they've only witnessed a fraction of - i believe lots of idols are afraid to share more deeper stuff with their fans, just because they'll take a small piece of information and immediately infantilize the idol and turn it all into a much bigger thing than it is. This - even if it comes from good intentions - is a harmful behaviour many fans should unlearn because it keeps their beloved idol quite and in fear of sharing whats on their heart with their fans. Thats my thoughts on the matter😅got a bit long tho.

And about han, tbh i forgot he had anxiety before you mentioned it here😅 why i thought he's much more unstable is actually because of his songs and what he often shares in interviews as well as the members about him. He has said several times he feels alienated from the world and has difficulties socializing and fitting in, at the same time he's a very sensitive and creative person and has even some genius like traits - and all this taken into consideration i thought he would be having a much harder time sorting out his thoughts and finding his place in the world. But he seems to be actually doing really fine, which makes me happy cuz i think he's such a charming, sweet guy🥰

And yeah, i think ill be doing that reading the following days sometime. Its def not too far back in my queue:)

[sugurusasks]

sozz i shld prob explain tht i dnt like the pacifiers nd diapers nd stuff aspect of ddlc .. i js like being infantilized nd babied and dumbed ... ok!

nd i forgot 2 mention tht i like breedin and dumbifitcafion nd some ither stuff i forgot !

ah. i see, babying and dumbification is fine with me, especially dumbification. the part i don’t like is when someone actually slips into a childlike headspace. like, sexualising age regression. that makes me feel weird. but babying and dumbification is not that, and i like those two things.

[vocalhitches]

So you say you're into horror games and villains... are you interested in fic or art for any horror games, villains, or horror game villains ? I know mentioning character names can be dicey on here so don't feel you have to answer this but I'm curious

YES and i’ve honestly contemplated making a whole list of characters i want to see snz art/fics/etc of, so i guess this is my cue to do just that lol

i plan on posting content of some of these characters myself probably, most likely art bc as much as i want to post fics here, writing snz fics is actually sooo difficult for me like i can’t keep up with the plot for anything rip

so here’s my list of fandoms i would adore seeing snz content for and the certain characters from said fandoms i’m most interested in when it comes to snz stuff (fyi all the characters are gonna be male bc that’s who i’m more into, at least in terms of fictional characters):

re/sident e/vil; tbh i don’t have any one specific character i’m into like… snz wise? but if i had to pick i’d say probably le/on bc like come on. he’s a classic. i also feel like e/than and ca/rlos are suuuuuuch good candidates. and this one is super random but we did say we were talking villains here so i’m gonna list him too: will/iam bi/rkin. he’s like a wet rag of a man so why not (also side note bc it just crossed my mind that i completely forgot about THE main re villain, but for some reason we/sker just does not do it for me like at all? idk that’s just me but ofc no judgement here. just me explaining why i never mentioned him)

sil/ent h/ill; okay so honestly i have one specific game that i care about in terms of snz content and that’s sh4. like all the main characters would work tbh but bc this is me we’re talking about wa/lter su/llivan is my man. evil pathetic meow meow

the e/vil wi/thin; ru/vik is too much of a sexy loser for us not to be snzifying him. also his nose is really hot sooooooo… (i also think le/slie would be v cute with a snzy cold but i want to make it abundantly clear that i would never intend to infantilize him as much of the mid-2010s general fandom did, nor would i want to sexualize the abuse he suffered in ANY way. there’s too much nuance to portraying his character than i should get into here)

those are really like my big 3 of horror games i can think of bc most of the other games i’m into i can’t really picture any of the characters in snz context at all tbh? but any less popular fandoms (or just unpopular on snzblr) would definitely interest me so this is just my way of saying pleeeeeease make content of characters from whatever niche fandoms y’all are into! i will always eat it up!!!!

here are some other villain honorable mentions i felt i should add that aren’t horror game related, but still deserve to be put in Situations:

he/nry cr//eel from stra//nger thi/ngs; evil pretty boy that did not get the snzblr attention he deserved when st4 came out (i actually wrote a lil drabble fic for him a while ago… should i post it? 👀)

i mean it’s no secret if you’ve been following me that i’m a slut for ma/hito from juj/utsu ka//isen. he’s cute and crazy and gross and i need to get around to posting the random sketches i drew of him

that’s all i can think of off the top of my head right now!! i know there’s gotta be more but i’m drawing a blank for now 😅 ty for asking and letting me rant about fictional guys i want to see snz lol!

[meikostan]

OK finally watching oshi no ko anime, it turns out all i needed was to go outside for like an hour and im normal again

my thoughts under the cut (writing as i watch) (long) (lots of thoughts) (beautiful and true?) (manga reader) (don't read if anime only) (spoilers) (seriously) (i talk alot) (lots of thoughts)

at this point i've reread oshi no ko enough times that even if i didnt already know japanese i could probably make it without the subs SDJLF but its so cool to see lines and panels that im so familiar with brought to life!! i also liked goro's death scene, especially the way they used static and cut between shots. i keep on pulling out my physical copies of onk (well mostly vol 1) and pointing at my screen and the corresponding part of the book like

2. AIIIII little known fact about me is that ai is genuinely my favorite character... WHICH SUCKS BECAUSE SHE DIES IN THE FIRST VOLUME. seriously we only ever get to see her after this when a. her name or demeanor is invoked by another character b. aqua has his numerous mental breakdowns or c. flashbacks (including but not limited to aqua's mental breakdowns). i am always down for ai content!!!

3. its so much easier to ignore the weird vaguely sexual stuff from their babyhood because i know the rest of the series is normal and cool and not into that sort of stuff👍

4. speaking of normal yayayay it's aqua back when he was actually normal and not "normal" :D like he is just a baby. do you think now that oshi no ko is popular people will get into internet arguments about whether you can ethically have aqua as your favorite character post-normalification. actually wait this may already have been happening in the dark depths of some discord server out there.. but i dont use discord so im blissfully unaware

5. OH i dont think ive seen all of the OG b komachi before? or at least not in high detail. epic!

6. infant ruby telling people on the internet "kys" before age 2... truly a model twitter user

7. not gonna lie i havent really ever liked the way babies are drawn here (including manga)... idk their heads just look way too big like adult heads drawn on toddler bodies then ""cutified"". but this is a personal gripe

8. do you think because of infantile amnesia the twins forgot about the whole pretending to be amaterasu moment. do you think miyako still remembers. can you imagine being the foster mother of two kids who you believe to be gods sent to earth. do you think she remembers that she was "charged by the gods with keeping ai's secret" and then aqua. you know.

9. imagine: you married the ceo of a mid production company because you want to date hot men. there are no hot men in sight. you have to watch over one of the idol's twin infant babies. they reveal to you that they are divine messengers of god and also they can speak normally. there are no hot men in sight. you tend to their every need because you don't want divine retribution. you explain the intricacies of the idol industry in detail every couple of days when they complain about the injustices of the world. there are no hot men in sight. you become their foster mom after they witness the traumatic death of their mother, whose secrets you where charged with keeping safe. at least 12 years pass. they never mention any of this again. you manage the idol group one of them is in. there are still no hot men in sight. your name is miyako. every day you wake up.

10. i like how gotanda gives his business card to a toddler. whats he gonna do, call you on his fisher price dial phone? well actually nevermind aqua is probably the only other toddler (alongside ruby) who could make use of a business card

11. KANAA LETS FUCKING GOOOOO but also nothing will ever top 'lick a lying snitch/flick a crying switch'...... nothing ever... :( also taking the opportunity now to say ive always found it hilarious she assumed 'aqua' is his stage name and not his actual legal name, that's how ridiculous it is DSKLFJ

12. sobbing at the ruby ai dance... dont even have that many words i just really like it.. do you guys think ai was thinking about her own mom [& abuse/lack of relationship thereof]? not even just in this scene but in her more serious moments when she's thinking about her kids it's like "i want to make millions so they can go to the nicest schools and have the nicest things" "i want my daughter to dance freely and happily and i will support her in this" which ig can also be excused as 'thats just what a normal parent wants' but idk i like taking into consideration her own past and lack of parental support when looking at the way she tries to raise her children (not that she exactly got a chance to, even while still alive)

13. also i realized at this point that ep 1 is like an hour long not just because of the whole 'we gotta make sure no one drops this before the reveal that shows what this story's actually gonna be about', but also because it would be kinda awkward to have cut any of these scenes out? or not like out completely but like from each other. like if we had ended ep 1 at for example where they do their silly baby dance and go twitter viral (chapter 5 aka the midpoint of vol 1). that wouldve been terrible. but we can't cut it any earlier, or any later. ai's death feels like the natural conclusion to this problem. also i can't really see much of the other sections being stretched out to fit a full episode length being done very well. having ep 1 be a full 90 minutes lets them be as long as they need to be, aka a 1:1 adaptation of the manga.

14. oh boy chapter 9 time

15. i don't have anything to say about ai's outlook that has not already been said but this is the scene that made her my favorite character. not being able to tell at what point your lies become reality.. not really knowing if you've ever loved or been loved truly because your entire concept of 'love' was based off insincerity necessary for survival.. and now not ever being given the chance to explore what 'real love' means to you. FUCK

16. aww i love all these little family moments they added! very cute ^_^

17. yayy go kids get traumatized ^_^ also for some reason i remember the stalker as having really light hair o-0 fascinating. i remembered his name though!! just like ai fr

18. speaking of hair i also did not realize saitou was blond i thought he had brown hair..

19. hey the bandana (? i forget the word) guy holding the ai fan sign during the news montage is from one of the intros to the vol 1 chapters where hes like 'oh yeah i wonder where those dancing babies are now'!

20. another part of that montage shows a house with a wii in it, which came out november 19 2006. characters are shown using twitter which started earlier that same year; it was a pretty popular website even in 2008, but the mobile app only became a thing in like 2010. i'm seeing a mix of flip phones and smart phones so this has gotta take place sometime around 2010. it's kinda difficult to tell exactly what age the twins are in the main story because like the first page of vol 2 has ruby listing her age as 14, but - and the proof is not at my finger tips rn - i swear to god they're like 16 at this point. i have legitimate reasons to believe this but i need to grab exact proof adding to that we also have 15 years of lies, which if im remembering right would be referring to the twins age? i was trying to logic out exactly what year oshi no ko takes place in even though i already know the answer is 'in the modern day' but anyway yeah i'll just finish my episode and move on

21. THE IPHONE RUBY IS HOLDNIG HAS A HEADPHONE JACK. i want so badly to say that's an iphone 4 but there's like a separation between that and the power button. i also dont have an iphone 4 with me so i cant check it irl :( but anyway the iphone 4 was released in 2010, meaning the evidence is piling up for this part of the story taking place some time around 2010. or maybe i'm looking too deeply into this and should go back to actually watching the episode.

22. this is reminding me i was gonna write a fic specifically about this time period where the twins go to therapy and have to adjust to life without ai, having miyako graduate from fake mom to actual mom, aqua faking being fully recovered from the incident so he'd be released from therapy (fic concept was inspired from him stating this in like vol 6), etc. i never did because i spent like 3 hours researching play therapy and never got anywhere with it.. but maybe...

23. THE KIDS HAVING TO WATCH HER FUNERAL THROUGH THE FUCKING CAR WINDOW... I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF

24. YESS AQUA NORMALIFICATION COMPLETE

25. AM I INSANE OR IS THAT AKANE? HER HAIR COLOR IS THE SAME BUT IT'S SO SHORT

26. MEM!!!!

27. AHHH POST CREDITS AI MAKING HER VIDEO FOR THE TWINS "i don't think i'll still be an idol by then" YEAH BUT AT WHAT COST 😭

FINAL THOUGHTS: i liked it alot ^_^ i dont really watch that much anime anymore (not that i watched an incredible amount before, but i am familiar with it) but i really liked this. i think they did a very good job of adapting the first volume! i know the rest of the episodes will be not-film length which does make me a bit sad because i think it would work out well, or at least not badly, if they were. it does also make me really excited for the future, seriously i will actually explode when i see the theater arc in full. cannot wait to see aqua mental breakdowns and ruby evil arc and and and and

the only thing i would've liked is if they could somehow have found a way to incorporate the pre-chapter intro scenes from the manga where they're talking about 15 years of lies, interviews with their pre-school teacher, etc. though both the pre-school teacher and the aforementioned bandana guy appear which may have been their way of doing it? like adding a fun detail for obsessives like myself to point at like 'my god it's those guys from exactly 2 panels in the manga'

tumblr ate my post and erased everything up to #2 while i was writing it and i was about to flip but it turns out that it automatically saves posts while youre writing them now and it was in my drafts safe and sound soooo crisis averted ^_^ anyway those were my thoughts on ep 1

[the-golden-ghost]

2, 6, 12, 16, 23

2.) if you gave an in depth description of your story to someone who was not all the way paying attention, what would their takeaway be?

"Ghosts? Ghosts in the 1920s? Something about radio transmission?"

6.) speaking of tv adaptations, why would yours get cancelled? (other than capitalism)

Most likely cause I'd opt to have it animated cause I think animation works better for fantasy-type stuff cause you don't have to use CGI or whatever. But then it would be an Adult Animated Series and those don't really... work. Because everyone knows Animation Is For Kids (tm).

If it was live action it would get cancelled for not being straight enough to have an audience

12.) okay be honest. pick a favorite oc from this ocverse.

Smudge the Ferret. Best ever bar none

16.) imagine the entire story takes place but in the meantime the characters all also have tumblr. what kind of (terrible) tumblr posts would happen?

I already answered this and just described what everyone would post but I actually think it'd be hilarious if at one point Faith just goes "hey remember that fucking radio guy who went insane and vanished without a trace? Yeah he's alive and we found him. He's my uncle btw"

And then it gets no notes

23.) describe how everyones character gets butchered once in the public eye?

Faith gets recast as a herbo which she kind of is but now that's ALL she can be. Any emotional intelligence or craftiness or wit she has? Well it's gone now. They also ignore that she's bi. She's a lesbian now. If you mention she's bi in canon you're a lesbophobe. They'll also make her a Mean Tough Lesbian stereotype even though she's like a big friendly dog personality-wise and isn't even a lesbian.

Davy is DEFINITELY gonna have his sexuality erased (he's aroace and everyone knows that's Illegal in fandom) but people will decide he's just Repressed and start shipping him with everyone. Not platonically either. As for his personality he'll probably be rewritten into an uwu soft boy must protecc or something like that, or will just be straight-up bitchy and crabby ALL the time with no nuance in either case.

Lilah no one will know whether to make her the Mom Friend (she's not. That is Faith but it will never actually BE Faith in the fandom) or just have her be the Ice Queen (again she isn't she's just a woman and has boundaries). They will also probably decide she "looks bi to them :/ " even though she's a canon lesbian because she's small and feminine and cute. OH she might also get infantilized cause she's small I forgot about that. Yeah that'll happen too.

[taintedlxve]

Wild that this was posted when I wasn't around to defend myself. Apologies to the person who sent me this I feel like they were trying to reassure me but all it did was make me mad lol.

Anyways, I'm mentally ill and reading this shit kind of fucked up my day and since I just can't let shit go without correcting the record I'm just gonna go over some things rq and go back to my hiatus. You don't gotta read, but I was called a liar repeatedly and I'm not gonna let that sit.

A lot of Awoo's post screams out to me as "i'm taking accountability but not really" and I just want to point out places where I feel she's being disengenuous and go back to my hiatus bc I had a good vibe going until now lmao.

I'm skipping the really long explanation about why she never followed me, frankly as I've said before my problems with her extend past that entirely and at this point I don't think it matters that much.

I'll just say this, we had a private conversation in which I made it expressly clear it was okay to come to me about something if she felt she had a problem the LAST time she blocked me for no reason (to be clear to this day I don't know what the hell I was supposed to be sorry for?) after I decided to just unfollow her from her breedingacademy sideblog bc she was replying to other folks' stuff and seemed to just ignore mine. She apologized for this and said she'd do better and I believed her. This, primarily, why I didn't reach out at first.

Further in the post she mentions the vent I wrote that was, in fact, 1000% about her. Ngl I forgot I even wrote it and was surprised by how recently it was. I dunno if I'm really sorry about what I said, it's how I felt at the time and just given the context of how I've allowed you to treat me I simply don't trust you like that anymore.

To be clear I had a LOT of dropped threads at the time or wasn't getting responses at all and that was actively fucking with me and making me wanna quit entirely, but Awoo's behavior stuck with me bc she was one of the few whose responses flooded my dash and I just wouldn't be included. Not saying she's lying but frankly frankly even if it was true Idk what to tell you cause that wasn't the reason she gave at the time.

You very much did say "it's nobody's fault" and "my brain works differently" since you're accusing me of malicously taking you out of context and/or misremembering, but unfortunately I can't access the reply in the image attached bc it's been removed. I'll link it here, maybe something's fucky with my tumblr, I thought it might have been from the blog she ended up deleting but nah it takes me back to her current so -shrug-.

To go into further explanation about what she said (bc obviously I wasn't going to commit a post to photgraphic memory in a vent post) it was something to the effect of "sorry, that's just not how my brain works. once you tell me you're tired of something my brain just labels it as 'avoid at all costs'. It's nobody's fault but…" etc. etc.

She mentions she's autistic, which, I know?? She's mentioned it several times over the last 10 years. Most of my friends are neurodivergent with needs unmet. I'm autistic and soon to be tested for ADHD with needs unmet. I understand that life and socialization is extremely difficult for neurodivergent people.

My partner literally has avpd but she understands that ignoring people bc they make her anxious hurts those people and she takes steps to do what she's able to to circumvent those obstacles bc she cares about those people. I'm really over this self-infantilization people leap to to avoid being criticized the negatives things done because of their neurodivergence. Reminds me of when Sara would beef with everyone on dash and say 'Oh it's my depression'.

And it's not like you were unable to communicate. When I said I was playing fem!Izuku is like the ONLY time I've ever had you reach out to me in my DMs unprompted

Sure, maybe I missed the point of your callout post, whatever, but the point of my message was literally all I've ever asked of you was like, to talk to me and you blocked me without communicating again. The diff is I'm just over being gaslit into being nice and feeling like it's my fault.

You trying to push the responsibility back onto me with a "Oh well she never asked if she had a problem with me" in spite of the fact that I went SO far out of my way to accommodate you to the point of giving you different Cyr icons bc you were squicked out by hair covering eyes just puts the nastiest fucking taste in my mouth and it makes me mad tbh.

I cannot stress how much I'm always the one people expect to make the first move and how sick of it I am, that's why I didn't come to you. I'm not a 'coward', I just was done bowing and scraping for people who didn't like me.

If you cared, you had my discord, and it wasn't like I blocked you first. You had ways of contacting me, and you didn't. So the rigamarole of you 'being worried for me' just doesn't pass my smell test, sorry.

Maybe it does make me hypocrite to smell bs when I see it but it definitely doesn't make me gullible.

The rest is just her demanding an apology from me (nah, you first bitch) but, and I wanna be explicitly clear, the feeling is very mutual, I want nothing to do with this chick.

I wanna be very clear that the end result of this was never to rebuild a friendship with Awoo bc again, once she blocked me I realized this wasn't even the bulk of my problem with her, it was the last straw.

I'm don't wanna be friends with someone who publically calls me me disengenuous and makes me feel so bad I end up apologizing.

Or, again, someone who blocks me when I just say "oh, this person doesn't seem to want to interact on this sideblog so I'll just unfollow"

Maybe you're not like that anymore, or your neurodivergence makes you that way, but I just don't want people like that in my life anymore, and I'm done letting people make me feel small for standing up for myself.

I'll cop to calling you a bad person and saying you hate me bc a lot of that was me being in my feelings and I'm not a mind reader, nor do I know you well enough outside of the internet to make these claims.

But as much as you've tried to victimize yourself I 1000% stand by what I said before, I hope you don't treat you muts as shitty as you treated me.

Thank you for confirming tho that you're not sorry I think helps to know

[reblogging4thewin]

while I've gotten used to the fact that if I spend any notable amount of time around my family, I'm bound to hear a slur at some point,

What I wasn't really prepared for was for my dad to bring up a traumatic memory as though it were a funny story.

It's like I forgot that's a thing that could happen and has happened before.

It was just an ice-bucket reminder that my parents don't see children as people with valid feelings and bodily autonomy, but as property with no rights. (The posts that make the property analogy are really spot on. I believe I have them under #parenting or #childhood trauma or something like that.)

While I couldn't come up with a suitable analogy, I had to say something - not picking a fight that isn't worthwhile bc his mind won't be changed on this, but in the sense of not just going off to build up the upset-ness until eventually it explodes. No need to hold that stuff inside. It wasn't an argument. He said he got that I felt violated. He still chuckled about it; that little me being upset was 'cute'. He got what I was saying, but he still doesn't *get* it. Saying something, although it made me cry, did release the tension. So that's healthier for me.

I'm fine; just gotta feel and stew for a min. Typing this out helped.

In case you're wondering what in particular (bc it's something I talked about before a lot in some tags):

Remember the viral post a year or so ago ab the girl whose mom cut her hair off as a punishment?

Well imagine she did it just bc she wanted the girl's hair to be short, despite the girl's tears and protests? Imagine the girl's hair grows really slowly and took years to get back to the length it was (shoulder).

I was 11/12.

Like everything else growing up, my feelings didn't matter to them.

My dad's view of the thing is that at some point I must have realized that hair grows back and got over it. Which, entirely misses the point. (and also no - that's so infantilizing. of course it grows back. but it grows back really slowly. it's the betrayal.)

Developing your self, image, and agency are important at that age. But it's the bodily autonomy of it all - that's what makes this traumatic. It's being treated like a barbie doll rather than a person. That's what makes it a hurt that stains.

And sure, when a kid is teenie tiny and can't speak yet - you can dress them in cute little outfits of your choosing and I can see how that is nice. But as they grow into their own personality and are able to articulate things, respect them as a human being damnit.

At what age did I become a human being to them? I think they *started* to see me as one when I was 21 and I studied abroad. Started to.

Are we fully there yet even now, at 29? I think there's been some progress since I moved out - a little less entitlement from their end that they cannot dictate whether/when I spend my free time with them. But, whooo boy was this little trip down memory lane a reminder of things I'd rather not think about this weekend (or ever, really).

We made it....less than 24 hours before this happened. I was planning to leave either Monday night or Tuesday morning. We'll see how things go. Like I told my bf when he asked, concerned, about the length of time I'd be here - I can always leave early if need be. Nothing is stopping me. I have things to pack up, and of course Christmas festivities themselves always go pretty well, so I don't expect a lot of opportunity for unpleasantries.

Not to mention the fact that my dad *likes* to needle people (he likes to bug my mom - sometimes it's all fun and games, but sometimes it's a little twisted imo - like needling the very thing you've been asked not to do. my ex was like that actually - I didn't find out until after leaving my ex how many ways he was like my dad (neither of them ever hit or anything like that - but both have broken an object in frustration or anger before, for example); my mom and I had some good talks at the time (I was 20). digressing again). My dad didn't upset me on purpose here though - he genuinely thinks my being upset about the haircut is a cute, funny memory. But he does things like this, sometimes on purpose, sometimes bumbles into them like this, and then when I get upset, he says I'm bipolar. He didn't say that today at least. When I was a kid, he called me a cry baby. All of the time. (actually he did literally bully me as a kid bc he said I needed to be prepared for what kids in school would do (not like your home is supposed to be a sanctuary or anything); but, while I was in fact bullied by 90% of my peers up until like 10th grade, when I was a little kid my dad was the worse bully of any of them. Every tangent this post reminds me of actually makes things worse tbh. Like, I don't think about this very often anymore, so being reminded of the sadisticness here is...yikes. I have thought a handful of times that it's insane that I even talk to him, but in short bursts most of the time things are cordial.)

This only happened because I mentioned wanting a trim this evening. (My mom is a talented cosmetologist.) In the heat of the moment of this memory, I had to wonder why I ever let her cut my hair again after I turned 18. But she hasn't cut it different from my requests since then or anything (though she did *deny* a request once, but the alternative we went with actually worked out better - so that was more of a mixture of an expertise thing but also a little homophobia sprinkled in but I digress); I guess at some point I came to trust her with it again. Just right now after that interaction with my dad, the feelings were fresh again, even though that was about 18 years ago.

No one else has ever cut my hair, but maybe it would be good if I change that next year. I really only planned to change that if I decide I do in fact want an undercut - since my mom refused to do that. I live less than an hour away, but maybe convenience is a factor too. Idk.

I feel a lot better now actually. He also just randomly came in the room and we had a normal conversation for two mins about making a snowman out of a bottle. So, we're ok for the moment. The weekend goes on.

[zypiris]

Im the chronic pain partner ask btw. Thank you so so so much for your input. It feels v hard because it's osteoarthritis (at 21) which only seems to have info for older people, is treated like a minor condition, and at a young age is treated like his fault. He feels exactly the way you described where all he can think about is stuff he cant do and it is just very hard. Currently doing as much research as I can and just trying to be a loving presence as much as possible. My heart goes out to you and everyone else talking about these things. Thank you.

The... journey, the uphill battle of making peace with a new future is something that’s going to take as long as it takes, and everyone is different. You are, in essence, mourning the lose of what your future could have been. There was a hope, faint dream that maybe it was something simple and it’d clear up, and then you could go back to how you were before. But now there’s a name, a permanent name, and you can’t. It’s going to be like this. Forever.

Keep giving him patience and support and validation. I can only speak for myself, but. It still hits me sometimes where I am and “where I should be”, and I have to take a breath. I usually apologize to my partner afterwards, for not being what they wanted and not being able to do things. Chores, sex, activity in general. They keep telling me that it’s fine and they love me as I am, and that I’m not a bad person or a failure or broken. It makes me cry, because I don’t believe it sometimes but if they do I can pretend a little bit.

Research what you can, particularly in regards to support groups (generally fairly thin on the ground) and resources online and in your area. You’ll want information about what he will need medically and personally, and ways for him to get what he wants (after things settle and he has a better idea what he wants in the future).

Look for a pool. One of the main concerns is going to be making sure he can exercise safely and as painlessly as possible when he is able to. Water provides great joint support, and has built in resistance. Pools are amazing and I love them. Walking to the pool is harder on my joints than the hour I spend doing light laps, splashing around, and dipping into the hut tub to give my joints a nice bake. (Heat helps a lot. Invest in hot water bottles, electric blankets, etc).

There’s going to be a lot of doctor nonsense. Since (In the US where I am, anyway) almost everything that can help is provided through doctors, you’ll both have to put up with a bunch of ableism nonsense. Even after you do find a good one, they can only do so much with their resources or the information you can provide (I answer a lot of questions of shrugging). It can help to go with your partner, and corroborate symptoms, as well as just providing a witness. Some of the lazy but not actively malicious ones will get their shit together just from having a second person. (Just make sure your partner requests it because of privacy laws and stuff)

Hang out in tags. That’s how I got my people, I just read through the fibro tag and found people that said things I agreed with. The osteoarthritis tag is all fucking clickbait, so try the arthritis one. There is going to be a certain amount of weeding through, but such is life. See about making a resource friend, who you and your partner can ask questions. (Is it normal to do this? Should I be worried? How do you handle spring cold on the joints?)

It’s going to be hard for you and your partner. Like, annoyingly, stupidly hard for no better reason than because people just don’t want to spend effort that doesn’t personally benefit themselves. But you’ve got your partner’s back. You can make a plan and do research and chip away at this. Your partner is going to have to do some prioritizing, but it’s not the end of everything. He is still capable of taking part in and enjoying life. He can make and meet goals. Living with a disability will teach you a lot about planning. I’m beginning to wonder if chronically ill people wouldn’t make the best tacticians.

I hope this helps, even just a little bit. I don’t have much hands on knowledge about arthritis stuff besides that it sucks but if you want to vent at me, I will validate the ever loving shit out of you. Make sure you take care of yourself, too. If you want to support your partner, you have to make sure you’ve supported yourself first, like support beams in a house. Build a strong house together :)

[xocasper]

BITCH OH MY GODDD I JUST READ KISS AND TELL?!?!?!!!

i dont know how i hadnt read it yet but oh my god i literally hate you so much that was the best fic ive ever read?? it got so poetic by the end wtf

my personal favorite line was "It seemed as though you had shed your exoskeletons, leaving nothing but the reality that laid beneath layers of labels and assumptions, facades and fronts." LIKE HOLY SHIT BRO YOURE SUCH A GOOD WRITER WHAT

i just love the entire ray's sister concept, and i realy really really love how you didnt make her all naive and sheltered (esp during the smut) because i love the older brother's best friend au but people always make the reader so embarrassing HAHAHA so i really applaud how you made her confident and even snarky at times. no secondhand embarrassment in this fic!

also the reader's friendship with the other guys is YES 🙌

just total chef's kiss all around, love you cas!

OKAY SEVERAL THINGS BECAUSE I COULD WRITE AN ENTIRE RANT ON THE MAKING OF THIS FIC

1. i adore these long messages. i appreciate you sm <3

2. she’s a fucking masterpiece. i consider myself to be relatively humble but kiss and tell is my magnum opus. i will never beat her and i don’t think i want to.

3. i love writing poetic shit. i love metaphors and imagery. i think my favorite lines are either the entirety of the religious guilt passage (mainly “the taste of unholy desire graced gerard’s tongue, wicked truths and sugar-coated lies having him believe that sin would swallow him whole.” for some reason my best writing is done at ~5:30pm. i love that part. i think about it a lot, actually.) or the five senses passage! (i cant pick favorites here honestly. taste and smell absolutely fuck though, i love those lines. smoke and earth?? tongue and teeth and hands where they’re not supposed to be?? shakespeare could never!)

4. i actually wrote that part with a single stream of consciousness at roughly 1am in my notes app! i also do my best writing in my notes app, and i can’t figure out why.

side note: hearing about people’s favorite parts and when they tell me that they laughed at my jokes is the best feeling ever. i love your asks and comments so so much.

5. yeah, it was a really great request! i forgot to mention in the author’s note and stuff that i changed it to step to be more inclusive, but it’s only mentioned in the beginning. i have a couple half siblings and i’ve always considered them full, so i didn’t make it too obvious throughout the rest of the fic.

going along with being ray’s sister, i wanted to give her a sense of edginess that wasn’t overbearing. i feel like ray gets babied in a lot of fics, and i genuinely hate it. rather than making him all innocent, i gave him the overprotective brother role, and even then, i tried not to make it suffocating. he’s worried about her mixing in with the wrong crowds because he’s an outcast himself. he doesn’t baby her either, and they have a similar dynamic to the ways’, except ray’s a little more protective.

6. i didn’t want her to be naive either! the last thing i wanted was to give myself second-hand embarrassment, much less my readers. just because she’s younger doesn’t mean she hasn’t done the same shit. i don’t really picture her as a virgin with a perfect liver and lungs. fics that make the younger sister all innocent make me uncomfortable tbh; it feels like infantilization, which is frankly, really gross.

7. making the reader witty is my favorite thing to do. i don’t know why readers are never written as confident and sarcastic, and instead defaulted to boring and naive. live a little, make your reader less insufferable!

(now that i’m thinking about it, my favorite part might actually be the banter towards the end—“honey, your brother is gonna kick my ass if i sleep with you.” “baby, you’ve already got one foot in the grave for kissing me, and i’d hate for you to die a virgin.” where did that come from??)

8. i really wanted to highlight the fact that she’s friends with all of them! she’s not the annoying little sister; she’s actually pretty cool. i used the mikey way effect, if you will. frank and the reader have this goofy relationship, similar to their relationship with gerard but very platonic. they’re the kind of friends that would fake an engagement for free dessert.

mikey and the reader are the same age, and both pretty quiet compared to the rest of the group. i didn’t touch too heavily on it, but they’re definitely the kind of friends that can read each other with one look. they lay on his bedroom floor in comfortable silence and listen to music just to escape loneliness. all in all, they’ll do pretty much anything together because they simply love being around the other.

9. CAS. I AM UNWELL. I’VE ALWAYS LOVED NICKNAMES :,))

10. i love you too! thank you for reading and leaving the sweetest messages for me. it makes my day every time!

[mickadamz]

MONEY ANON HERE Ive thought it over 🚶we need to know abt billy from the adams that mf gives me such pure neurodivergent vibes it's insane.

im so sorry but he's got one of the most traumatic histories out of his entire family prepare to read some upsetting stuff. i'll put CWs around paragraph(s) where the darker, heavier subjects are mentioned/described, though. red indicates where triggering subjects start, and blue marks where they end. also its a long post and im on mobile so i forgot how to do the read more thing sorrryyy 😭😭😭

i kinda went more into his entire life story than explaining how he is and his personality but it generally does not change too much unless specifically mentioned/pointed out. personalities r harder to describe than certain behaviors - i prefer show not tell as a way of deacribing personalities qnd i hope thats present in what ive written here. otherwise you can probably pick up what oind of person he os based on tagged posts oops

HEAVY SUBJECT MATTER AHEAD SUCH AS: (MENTIONS OF) SUICIDE/IDEATION, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, SELF HARM, CHILD HARM, STALKING, AND BULLYING

William (Billy) Benedict Adams

bisexual 💛

b. April 17 1976

diagnosed w/ autism, depression, and C-PTSD

he's the youngest of three siblings (mick, beth, billy) and looks the most like his father colbert, taking after him in a lot of ways aside from appearance, including a terrible immune system - when he was little he would get sick a lot during flu-season but gradually was able to fight it off faster as he grew older. his middle name came from his paternal great-grandfather benedict marlowe adams.

billy's pretty hyperactive and chatty. he occasionally goes through periods of being nonverbal, but his attitude and energy remain about the same. he learned how to swear when he was 9 and hasn't stopped since much to his parents' chagrin. he loves horror movies and halloween is his favorite holiday. he's modeled after young eddie kaspbrak in the 2017/2019 IT movies, both in some appearance aspects and just how he behaves in general. he talks a lot and doesnt really have a filter, and uses sarcasm and humor even if sometimes it goes over his head when others use it.

like both of his parents and his sister, he is autistic. it's more visible than it was with his parents before him, as they spent their lives masking, while allowing their kids to "be as weird as they want to be", especially at home. a lot of their kids' behaviors were just like "oh yeah i / your uncle richie / (other relative) did that too thats normal" so they didnt think anything of it. unfortunately, billy was an easy target at school and had been bullied for not masking as well as his parents and other autistic kids his age, and being very sensitive to that same teasing.

some of his special interests include stuffed animals (especially bears), generally just toys he grew up with and even stuff from before his time, and vampires just to name a few. he also likes wearing the same colors and owns a lot of black / gray sweaters and monochromatic button-ups and khakis/jeans and short variants. he also has one specific salmon-pink colored shirt that he calls The Exception. he has some issues with his motor skills

being the youngest of three in a healing marriage had certainly put a slight rift between him and his siblings. he was the baby of the family and - while not being infantilized on purpose - was given a lot of attention from his parents, especially his mother. beth hardly noticed a difference, while mick was definitely a little jealous but he kept it to himself. aside from that, billy has a pretty close knit relationship with his older siblings and likes to hang out with them and when playing together, he'd always treat their toys gently and would freak out if he accidentally broke one.

billy also idolized his father a lot, part of it coming from family members saying he looked so much like colbert. this idolization even got him intereted in his father's work and would always beg his dad to let him come with him to wilderness pizza on the weekends. he loved that place a lot. while it could get overstimulating at times given its popularity, he felt very free there. all three of his siblings liked spending time there, but mick grew older so it was just the youngest two, and beth was on her way to other interests as well when she started to get closer to her 13th birthday.

speaking of, that interest in his father's work was entirely shattered on may 22nd, 1987. beth's 13th birthday.

(CW: CHILD HARM . i tried not to go too graphic but some information is necessary to understand where his injuries and trauma came from.)

this information is currently exclusive to my personal oc universe - while events mirror CBM, there are alterations made.)

james summers, a vindictive, jealous, unstable man , former friend of colbert's and a current employee of wilderness pizza, had let his envy ans anger take hold of him as he held in years worth of vitriol and hate towards colbert and made an impulse decision to just go all out, seeing as summers's life and marriage was collapsing in on itself and he "had nothing to lose".

he chose bethany's birthday to let loose, as he had the day off and it's where two of the most precious things colbert had would be. billy and beth, his youngest biological children. beth had suffered an injury to her leg, but managed to get away and hide before anything worse could happen. billy on the other hand wasnt so lucky - given it was very dark and his already poor-hand coordination, he'd found something sharp to defend himself with and had unintentionally cut his hands with it. summers attacked him and while struggling, the kid had lost an eye, cuts on his arms and hands, and suffered some blunt force trauma which knocked a tooth out and chipped three others. scott barnet came to his rescue and billy was able to escape and find his sister hiding in the rafters above the little play area tube things. by that point he was running on pure adrenaline.

their father found them and was in the process of helping them down when beth slipped from where she was (again, it was dark) and done severe damage to her spine when crash-landing on a table. summers was approaching too fast for colbert and billy to retrieve her, the two making a run for it and hiding in a janitor's closet. while billy felt safe in the cramped room, his claustrophobic father did not and it was very visible. by the time police arrived, billy's adrenaline was starting to crash and his injuries were catching up to him. he does not remember anything after entering the closet and before waking up in the hospital the the second time.

(CW END)

billy spent a lot of time in the hospital recovering and suffered from nightmares, panic attacks, and other PTSD symptoms for years afterwards. his love for his father's work had crashed and burned, but that didn't mean their relationship had gotten worse. in fact, it only strengthened their bond. whether it was a healthy attachment or not is unclear and varies depending on who asks. he'd also been recieving counseling and therapy afterwards given the severity of his trauma.

(CW: STALKING, SELF HARM, SUICIDAL IDEATION)

during that period, though, the family was starting to struggle financially with WP being closed, hospital + counseling bills piling up alongside utilities and food and other necessities. his mother finally got a job and his father was suffering from the hard losses that came with summers's attempt on their lives. bethany was also adjusting to being almost entirely unable to walk, and mick had stepped up as a caretaker in place of their father. it was very hard on the entire family and billy felt like he was a burden. not because anybody said anything, but because he could see how much his caretakers were trying to provide for them given the financial circumstances. he didn't feel like he was worth the trouble and his feelings were overwhelming and he'd often hit himself or scratch at his face during meltdowns or panic attacks. he was only 11 when he first experienced intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation. it was never active at this point - he was deathly terrified of pain,so he never brought it up as it wasn't an active problem.

summers wasnt done, though, and had been stalking the family for months until his sudden, unexplained murder on november 1st, 1987. it had left the family paranoid and untrusting of phone calls and mail they recieved and billy wasn't allowed to go anywhere without supervision of some kind. that left him with even more anxiety and what was later re-diagnosed as c-ptsd.

(CW END)

once the family began to recover, his mood and mental health had stabilized. he was still bullied sometimes in school but it was much... different. it was in the way you wouldnt notice until years afterwards. there was a lot of pitying and infantilism that he faced from peers and teachers to the point where it was uncomfortable, but if he spoke up to them about it they wouldn't listen. he resorred to being a class clown to make up for his "weird" behavior, and didn't make too many new friends. his best friends growinf up were jupiter summers and suzie mason, as they were in his age group and also went through the same thing as him, albeit they both came out with minimal injuries, if any at all. they were also "weird" kids and he felt at home with them. other friends in school were the espenson twins (family friends who were a few years older than him and beth), his cousin cassidy miller (see previous), jaiden summers (beth's age, also attended the party), and of course his sister bethany.

graduation was hard for billy as school was a constant for him, despite the bullying and other hardships he went through. it had structure. structure he wasn't confident he could keep if he ever got a job. he lived at home for a few years after graduation and worked at blockbuster video. he got officially diagnosed with autism around this time as well.

i havent decided if he should go to any further education like college or technical schools, so thats a big fat ??? though in the meantime he and his friends would often frequent haunted houses or walkthrough horror attractions set up at farms or old houses given his love of horror and halloween. despite his mother's concern he continuously went through with it because he knew it was a controlled environment and that he could leave at any time. plus, years of therapy had helped him learn to manage triggers and readjust to certain smells, imagery, and places. wit( that in mind, hed started coming around to things like pizza, arcades, clowns, rabbits, and animatronic characters, and later his father's business as a whole. he worked odd jobs there every so often once he felt comfortable enough being in the building again.

in 1999, a classmate from high school named kelly hotchkiss had approached him with romantic intent (and a bit of an ableist savior complex) and the two hit it off pretty well. they dated for a few monrhs, got married, and had their first child davis in 2000, followed by their middle child millie in 2002, and their youngest child alexander in 2006. their marriage was alright. his wife was the primary breadwinner, but billy confinued to work at blockbuster until it shut down in 2013, a year before shit really hit the fan. (he found another similar job elsewhere, though.)

over the years he'd been a victim of his wife's weird ableism and coddling. yes, he needed help with things, but he wasn't totally helpless or socially inept. there also came an issue with her transphobia towards their oldest son davis (ftm) and middle child millie (transmasc nonbinary). lex, like his father before him, is also autistic himself and it presented much more visibly through him having a lot of the most recognizable traits of it and also was on the receiving end of his mother's ableism.

(SUICIDAL IDEATION TW)

billy decided that he'd had and seen enough, and began the long, grueling divorce + custody battle. with help from a lawyer and emotional support from friends and family, the divorce went through and billy had full custody of his children. however, as with most major changes in his life, is threw him into a spiral of despair and anxiety. change was hard to adjust for, especially now thst he had three kids to provide for on his own. he fell into a heavy decline as he wondered if it was really worth it all, going so far as to regretting the divorce entirely and considering suicide. it got to the point where his children were affected by his bad mood and millie began to resent him for not being there emotionally, especially since lex was very attached to billy and needed his support and attention.

one night, billy was up at 3 am. and he realized something, and called his brother mick and told him "i need to get help." his brother-in-law jeremy had been through something very similar, and so billy sought out their help in getting him admitted to a hospital and arranged for billy's kids to stay with their uncles until he was stable enough to leave. it personally helped him tremendously and billy'sfamily had been reunited again. after staying in their home temporarily, billy, jeremy, and mick all agreed to billy's family staying there indefinitely, seeing as they have the money and room to accommodate them. billy still works and provides finances of his own, but he doesn't feel like he's constantly in the red anymore. he cant be fully independent and that's okay, and hes learned over his life that he absolutely has the right to lean on others for help when he cant do something on his own.

(END TW)

he's very close with all his kids and loves them all dearly, doing his best to understand what theyre going through individually and doing what he can to accommodate for them. he's very active and present in their interests and lives. like sending memes in the family group chat. he would make tiktoks for funsies. billy is very tech-savvy with modern technology - he and his cousin cassidy got really into making personal webpages and web design (they looked absolutely atrocious back in the day. partly on purpose just for fun, partly bcuz billy just had no fucking clue what he was doing)

he's also very open about the fact he's been through so much because of how actively it affects him throughout his daily life. for example: he can't drive. both because he physically cannot and out of a personal choice. he doesnt feel comfortable enough, he's physically disabled (half blind), and his motor skills lag just enough that he doesn't feel safe being behind the wheel in case has to make a quick decision on the road. while those who are half-blind can learn how to drive just fine, he personally decided it's not within his abilities. it took him years but he doesn't believe there's any shame in things like that, and there shouldn't be. he's not a public figure by any means, at least not to the extent his older brother and father are, but he does have a small platform where he talks about his personal journey through life and how he's gotten through everything because he hopes that it can help anyone going through a tough time of their own!

then there's an entirely different site/platorm where he does stuff more catered to his interests. being a young adult in the 90s-2000s kickstarted his relationship with the internet and he personally really enjoys the little spaces he's carved for himself. i think hed have a youtube channel where its him sitting in frint of a webcam reviewing horror media and old toys he got his hands on either from family, his own personal collection, or from secondhand sites and storesblike ebay or goodwill. he's very passionate about these things and its a bit of a funny contrast .

tl;dr: billy adams grew up dealing with mental illness and disabilities and the symptoms of such which made life very hard for him. despite it all, he learned how to grow around it and that it was okay to rely on others and ask for help whenever he needed it. he's curious and a bit snarky, but all-around a very kind and warm person with interests in shitty web design, horror, vampires, and toys from his generation and older.

[impalementation]

when i wrote about the dawn part of conversations here i totally forgot to mention how her sequence starts out seeming like a slasher movie cliche. the teenage girl left at home alone, a lurking bad guy about to attack. there’s a reason scream parodied it: it’s a well-established trope.

which fits really well with the whole idea that prior to season 7, dawn’s been a bit of a damsel. someone that the other characters are afraid would die in the first five minutes of the horror movie that is their lives. but given that buffy was founded on inverting the horror movie trope of the helpless teenage girl, and given that season 7 reminds the audience of that foundation in other ways (the dying potentials, etc), it makes sense for dawn to finally get the same treatment that buffy and (to a lesser extent) willow and cordelia did.

it pings on why that trope was worth subverting in the first place too. it’s hard not to read stories killing women who are out alone or at home alone* as a kind of punishment for being independent. much like killing sexual characters comes off as punishment for having sex, etc. it’s infantilizing, vaguely fetishy, yadda. by having dawn subvert the slasher trope, the show is able to acknowledge everything from dawn’s anxieties over adult independence, to social anxieties re: teenage girl independence, to the show’s own treatment of dawn thus far.

*(there are other things going on with that trope, like the home--especially the normative middle-class home--being sacred and stuff, but i’m not gonna get into that).

in other words, the sequence doesn’t just show that she’s capable of being independent. it shows it in that very buffy, trope-conscious way.

[fanfeline]

The Danton Case - Complete Notes

More like disjointed amusing moments, but whatever.

Here is a complete post of my notes through all 5 acts of Pryzybyszewska’s Danton Case! I really enjoyed doing this, and I hope you all did as well. Let me know if I should do Thermidor as well....

Act I

Robespierre: Well, this is too much. I look like a gigantic withered cauliflower.

Note: this is his first line in the play.

We’re not going to talk about Eléonore trying to give Maxime a blowjob we’re just not

please don’t make me

please

Eléonore and Robespierre have a really weird relationship in this; he barely tolerates her existence, but keeps being very physical with her and it’s very uncomfortable to read.

“Child, I do not love you anymore - I am literally indifferent to you!”

I don’t even know what to say about Saint-Just in this he’s barely human

Saint-Just [glumly]: Are you delirious? Robespierre: [bursts out laughing, which does not necessarily reassure his friend]

Robespierre has strange names for people

Eléonore is “lioness,” “viper” etc.

Camille is “calf” “wonder child” “talented baby” and a bunch of just…random stuff

Danton and Co. have really weird code names that are never explained

Danton himself is C Three. No idea why.

Louise absolutely despises Danton with her whole heart

[Camille Desmoulins rushes in, very excited]

Again, this is how he enters the play

Danton: Stay. Well, Camille? Have a drink. Well, what have you done now?

Everyone wants to be a dictator and tyrant!! cause that’s how it went.

Act II

Collot: let’s kill Camille!! Robespierre: ...no.

Paraphrased, but barely

Camille: Danton, I will not allow even you to make such jokes. Danton [grips and squeezes him]: What, you won’t allow it?! [squeezes him stronger] You still won’t? Camille [swooning]: Mm-n-mm…oh!

Camille [more softly, clasping his hands nervously] Georges: send me to die. I want to die for you. Danton [gives a friendly laugh] Better write, instead of dying...what use is your corpse to me?

yeah no one actually has any respect for Camille in this play

Vadier [a veritable mimosa as far as his self-love is concerned]

[sparks fly from Danton’s eyes]

he has laser eyes, who knew?

Danton: And you still won’t take your mask off, thought I see through it to every line on your face?! English blood, no doubt….[Robespierre reacts with an Irish look, knowing that it is not worth correcting such remarks]

Robespierre: Oh, yes: I’ve made a fatal mistake. Danton is a source of the plague.

[Camille rushes in, ill-tempered, throws off his cloak and hat, falls on the sofa and assumes a depressed pose.] Lucile: Well…? [when her husband makes a demonstrative gesture] Oh, my spouse! We’ve done something foolish again?!

Robespierre: He [Camille] simply must have his melodrama!

Camille’s sitting in front of him. They’re the only ones in the room.

Robespierre and Camille fight brutally, and to be honest it really hurts to read.

Act III

Actually, both Robespierre and Danton want to be king. Who knew?

Collot [starts to his feet]: Who asked you to interfere, you...underling?! Lindet: Thank you for that honorable title, hangdog. [Collot throws himself at Lindet, restrained by those near him.]

Lindet seems to spend the rest of the CPS meeting ringing a bell and begging people to shut up.

Robespierre: Which of us will go drown out that miracle-making thunderous bass (Danton)? My drawing-room contralto, perhaps? Or Saint-Just’s low-pitched tenor?

Robespierre is very musical in this play, whistling “the entire chromatic scale” in Act I for no reason and then doing this in Act III

[Lindet vehemently rings the bell]

Saint-Just (looking for paper): Nothing doing without the secretary…. [attacks the cabinet, breaks fingernails]

smooth, dumbass. lmao

[Delacroix has the familiar Satanic expression of a fellow conspirator]

Camille [shakes]: Don’t dare mention him (Robespierre)! [leans towards him (Danton) across the table] I’ve spent my life on my knees before the two of you. I’ve worn myself out in your service. And you both knew slyly how to exploit my blindness. From now on I am a free man. I don’t care what happens to me… but I’ve broken with both of you, rotten idols, forever. [turns away]

His newly-declared independence lasts approximately 1 page before he collapses sobbing and pledges his allegiance to Danton again

Again, Danton is uncomfortably physical and abusive with Louise.

She hates him so much… there is no healthy relationship in this play.

ahhhh shit it’s time for the “trial”

Robespierre: I request - the right - to speak!

Most characteristic line yet, if you ask me

Why is Courtois defending Danton? Or does he just hate Robespierre that much?

Act IV

[Camille is standing by the window, crying]

This is roughly the third time this has happened in this play

Philippeaux is just yelling at a very depressed Camille it’s not fun to read Camille: Have pity...and help me, or I shall perish!!! [throws himself on the bed] Philippeaux: You will die in five days, Desmoulins. [Camille goes numb. His crying stops like a switched-off radio]

ngl this made me...very upset

Figure II [stretches out his hand]: Camille, no irony is intended: we thank you in the name of France. [Camille, consoled, returns the embrace and smiles] Philippeaux: Camille - that’s the Comte and Vicomte d’Estaing (royalists). [Camille withdraws, horrified.]

Everyone’s sitting on each other’s beds and it just reads like a massive sleepover for these few lines (ignoring the fact that they’re imprisoned and will be dead in 5 days)

Lucile tries bribing the judges, and is rather disappointed when they don’t take her bribes.

And then Legendre walks in and Lucile is like “you know what? New plan. Hey Legendre you’re a butcher right? Go murder Robespierre!”

Lucile?!?!?!?

[But the essentially gay tone does not change]

That’s a decent summary of Pryzybyszewska

[It is likely that Desmoulins will provoke deadly French laughter deriding both him and his party]

Fouquier-Tinville is already so done with everyone

Robespierre (to Eléonore) [extends one hand to her; he leaves the other on his forehead]: I am sorry. I’m going insane.

Robespierre forgot to eat for like 36 hours and honestly? same

also he’s an authoritarian dictator now i guess

[Robespierre breaks into sonorous, pleasant laughter and disappears]

Act V

[Desmoulins is standing on the table, at which Philippeaux is reading]

This is the stage setup at the beginning of the act. Camille is still Camille.

Danton: Ah, that is exactly the point! Ha, ha! Maxime has done me a very good turn by having systematically concentrated power in his own hands for years: all I need to do now is to take from him… a ready-made dictatorship!

...What?

Camille’s trying desperately to convince Danton to spare Robespierre’s life after all of this he’s still trying to save his friend whyyyyyyyyyyy

[Danton stretches his hand towards the candle] Camille [nervously]: No!!! Georges, please don’t put it out!... Danton [with outstretched hand]: But why? Camille: It’s so horrible here… please leave it, I implore you!

Look, I hate Camille’s infantilization in media as much as the next person, but ahhhh my heart

Camille [after a while, shyly]: Georges….

Danton starts to like...feel himself up and monologue dramatically while everyone else is asleep it’s a real weird page and a half

also he calls Robespierre a “red Irish monkey”

Camille starts screaming and talking in his sleep, begging someone (Robespierre, I wonder?) for forgiveness

Philippeaux: But what did you have against saving that boy - whom, without any reason, you have driven to suicide?... Danton [gives Camille a contemptuous look]: Should I have gratified Robespierre, do you think? For that matter, it will be better for Desmoulins himself to die than to prostitute himself again.

[Depressed silence again. Robespierre slowly places his elbows on the table, and his forehead on his joined hands.]

same

This is roughly the part where Robespierre begins to collapse mentally - continuing well into the next play, “Thermidor”

Fouquier: [bangs the table with a file because Danton is opening his mouth again]

Danton actually manages to turn the whole crowd against the Committee - the mob starts calling for immediate acquittal and protesting the mockery of a trial

Fabre: Thank God it’s the end. I’m barely alive anyway.

Pryzybyszewska makes very clear that the whole trial is corrupted and rigged against the Indulgents

aaaaaand cut their hair, exit stage, we never see them again

Saint-Just and Robespierre have a long conversation about oppression and dictatorship that takes several rapid and interesting turns

Robespierre: Maybe it is madness.

Saint-Just [over his shoulder]: It is not madness, it’s despair. [He turns round. Speaks nonchalantly, but clearly] Shoot yourself. [He stops by the window, aimlessly looking at the yard. Robespierre slowly falls onto the bed, lies down.]

I….what?!?

Antoine, what?????

Robespierre: *lies down for the first time in god knows how long* [He (Barère) rushes into the room. Robespierre, brutally wakened, lifts himself on his shoulder with a slight hiss of fright. In a second he gives the intruder a deadly look which totally puts Barère out of countenance.] Barère: Oh… I’m sorry. May I?… Robespierre [motionless, sits on the bed]: You’re asking that question somewhat late….

[Saint-Just comes in with a helpless shrug of his shoulders]

[Saint-Just watches him with glowing eyes]

[Both gens de la haute main (Robespierre and Saint-Just) look at each other as if mutually hypnotized by their appearance. A long pause of perfect immobility.]

Robespierre [tense all of a sudden. Dead silence in the room.] Do you hear?... Saint-Just [sulking]: What? Robespierre: The crowd is coming back. Saint-Just: Requiescant in pace.

[caffeiinatcd]

whats up pals its your significant annoyance, rachel, and this is a ( likely to be ) poorly written intro !! im going to direct you all to a couple different links that’ll kinda detail me and detail damaris a lil more, but under the cut are just a few important details if you’d rather not go through the rest of the stuff !! 

       ⏩ ooc fun facts page         ⏩  full biography��& stats / about tag

simply put ?? damaris is a typical sweetheart cliche character. she’s just very inherently good, and she takes a great deal of joy out of helping other people, hence why she takes such a degree of enjoyment out of her mysterybusters job. it’s both because she enjoys helping her friends out, and because she loves having things under control and organized. ive equated her to monica gellar before, and i kinda stand by that- she’s a stress cleaner and frequent alphabetizer, who loves to keep things together. 

i’ve also associated her with rory gilmore (gilmore girls), charlotte york (sex and the city) & ginny weasley (harry potter) and i stand by all of those characters, too, because they all give me really strong damaris vibes- but it’s ginny who i think y’all should keep in mind and i will explain in a sec.

damaris had a slightly unconventional start in life, in that her mother kept her for a time before deciding after she was admitted to hospital for an infantile virus that she couldn’t handle caring for her, and gave her to her father ( joel lennox, a soldier in the army ) to raise. don’t get me wrong; she grew up loved more than words, and when her dad couldn’t be around, her grandmother was everything she needed her to be, but the thing with her mother certainly left her with some unspoken issues that remain so, even now she’s met her ( and her half-brother, bryce )

she never used to believe in the supernatural, but since silverwood, she’s started to. it was one of those ‘it requires my life to be threatened for me to believe’ situations.

on top of all the awful things happening to everyone else during the silverwood ordeal, damaris was briefly possessed by the patient that she researched, sabrina zoel. she seemed to get off fairly lightly, all considered, but was completely unaware that sabrina had slipped a locket that had belonged to her into her pocket before she released her from her grasp and the group as a whole was saved by the cops and cristian- here’s where y’all should keep ginny in mind, bc its.. unintentionally very parallel to that. though some of the things they took from silverwood and that belonged to sabrina are now in the basement, damaris never handed over the locket after she found it. instead, she found herself wearing it- something ‘compelled’ her to, you could say, and since silverwood, it’s rarely ( if ever ) come off. she’s been suffering black outs since then and doesn’t know what happens during that time, something which is directly linked to the locket and sabrina, a part of whom has stuck with it and is continuing to fck with damaris. it’s very.. ginny weasley with tom riddle’s diary-esque, and as more time passes, the locket ( and sabrina ) are having more and more of an effect on damaris, though she’s ( not so blissfully ) unaware of what’s up. fun times. 

sorry for the long ‘ol paragraph. i forgot to mention that while they were @ silverwood her dad died and she’s been rly grieving him, too. she and her dad were really close ( so close that i even have a headcanon that her volkswagon beetle, a car she fixed up with him years ago, has stopped working in the last few months and she hasn’t gotten it fixed bc she doesn’t want anyone other than her dad working on it ), and the slight changes the gang might see in her are almost easily explained by her grief. making the whole.. sabrina-still-being-an-issue thing that bit harder to spot.

so, that is rly it. ill incl some fun and not so relevant facts below, but that is all the relevant stuff love u bye

irrelevant but fun facts

she owns one of harley and quinn’s puppies, which she has christened ripley lennox and who has definitely been her rock in the last while, but is also maybe the only creature out there that knows there’s something up w damaris. bc u know. dogs got all them freaky senses

she’s scared to death of furby’s, so.. herbie the furby can kindly choke

she now walks everywhere bc she almost stubbornly refuses to let anyone fix her car. i hate

her favorite scooby doo character is scrappy and she does a mean impression of him

she’s one of those dramatic girls who had a bit of a makeover after her traumatic event ( i hate her ) so her hair now falls to her shoulders and for a while, she stopped wearing the brightest of colors. that part didn’t last long, but she can’t regrow her hair so quickly

i believe i am correct in saying she is ava and noah’s godmother, but regardless- she adores them both, more than i can even say. she rly loves kids, but its even better when they’re your friends, and def do not expect to get away with any kinda comment on them possibly being satans spawn around her- all five foot two of her will fight u

until the locket, damaris never wore gaudy jewelry like that. all her bracelets were the braided, handmade kind, the only ring she wore was cheap silver, and necklaces generally weren’t even a thing- but someone so obviously expensive and old definitely wasn’t something that damaris would wear. goddamn sabrina, possessing something that isn’t part of my gals usual style

ill let u leave now thank u and goodnight

[kmart-23-blog]

Letters to you

Already a million things to get done today that roll through my mind as I draw your meds. Yesterday was a fair day with your seizures, I think you only got sick once. Sometimes the days really blend together. 

Yesterday was a big day with the time change and daddy leaving. After much consideration with all your specialist, Daddy got his old job back and were moving back to Atlanta! We’ve gotten the pre approval for a house already and what appears to be one picked out. With any luck, by the end of the week, we’ll have an offer in. Dad will be home on the weekends, don’t worry, Bear.

I’ve been emailing the realtor this morning, feeding you, washing dishes, soaking our humidifiers and all that other random stuff to tidy up. After your first feed this morning, your monitor took a crap finally and thank goodness for Grammy who was able to order us one from Walmart with 1-day shipping. (P.S. Walmart has 1-day shipping right now for $1.99. Wow)

I can’t wait to get the Atlanta again. Switching all the doctors is going to be hard and we have to refile for Katie-Beckett, your Medicaid got denied twice because apparently your diagnosis causes our case to be different and harder. You’re last neurologist appointment almost two weeks ago gave us frustrating results. We like him as a neurologist but I think he is overwhelmed. We’ve had many of CT Scans, MRI’s, EEG’s both short, 24 hour, and video. We’ve been to geneticists, all the blood work, and we still don’t know why. Currently, you're taking 5 seizure medications and we are still having breakthrough seizures, anywhere for 1-10 visual ones a day. That’s not including ones we don’t notices. Throughout all Bennie’s diagnosis (There are quite a few), the seizures are the hardest thing. He is non-verbal, non-mobile, sometimes the high-tone from the Cerebral Palsy is overwhelming, but he is mostly low-toned. The list goes on, but when he has a bad seizure and is so upset with how it made him feel he gets sick, it breaks my heart. Why can’t this be me?

He has been diagnosed with Focal Seizures, Generalized Seizures, and Infantile Spasms. Not to mention all the other terms associated with those like absence seizure, tonic-clonic, atonic. 

You’re neurologist appointment in August was difficult for me. He was new, out of Macon this time (Insurance is such a pain). He had not seen your MRI’s or EEG’s yet but could tell it was not good. He talked to us about tonic-clonic and infantile spasms even though we had heard it before, hearing in again confirms it. Also, this time he tells us about SUDEP (Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy). Great, we just stopped worrying about SIDS. What would I even do if this happened? I can’t think about this, we are still learning so much as we go.

We saw the neurologist again on 10/26 after an EEG. There are still things unclear that I am emailing him about. Any news you get in there can be enough to not make you think straight. He told us that you have very treatment resistant seizures because you are still having A LOT of little seizures. I knew you had ones we didn’t notice due to their nature, and I thought you were having good days (Good days to me are “generally” ones where he has fewer than 5 seizures and maybe doesn’t get sick). Anyways, we don’t know what A LOT is. Also, he told us there is not a lot happening in the back lower quadrants. My mind starts to race, We’ve had 5 EEG’s, why am I just now hearing this? Is this new? What area of the brain is that? What are those functions back there? I have to do more research. With all those questions racing through my head, I forgot to as what that means, which would have answered most of those. 

But, we were able to tell him about Dad’s new job and that we would be leaving. He immediately asks if we plan to go back to our original neurologist? I think he’s overwhelmed with you.

And, of course you’re going back to your old neurologist! She is amazing. And the neurologist debacle is a story for another time as well. We will be using all the same doctors we originally started this whole thing with. They hold such a special place in my heart because this has been an emotional rollercoaster. 

Let me know what you think? Where can I improve? I readers to want more. I want them to know my little bear’s story.  I plan on doing this every few days and I am doing a different take on these blogs over on my Facebook page. Just a little different take and view on things.

[relenafanel]

5 things meme

I was tagged by @anais-ninja-blog. this is really going to prove how much of a mess I am irl

5 things you’ll find in my bag:  receipts for the last year (because I never clean it out). at least 2 pairs of earrings I slipped off during the day and forgot about. My cards all floating around the bottom because a wallet adds weight (like the millions of receipts don’t). Hopefully an emergency tampon/pad, though I have dubious faith in that. At one point I had 3 pairs of sunglasses, but now I think there’s just the 1.

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom: epic tons of clothing. my Hot Toys Winter Soldier action figure (and other cap fandom stuff). about 10 empty gatorade bottles because I drink them when I have a migraine and then forget to recycle. my wake-up lamp. shoes.

5 things I’m into at the moment: steve/bucky. raisin bran as a sitting-in-front-of-tv snack. My Leverage marathon. Thrifting for clothes. The fuzzy and soft inner lining of my new hoodie.

5 things on my to-do list: Sleep. Get a job somewhere I don’t hate. stop eating in front of the TV and start going on the elliptical for like 20 minutes jfc (this has been on my to-do list for a few months and I haven’t done it once). buy the ingredients for this sausage egg roll in a bowl recipe because I don’t find recipes often where the effort to make it doesn’t completely overwhelm my desire to try it. finish this meme Finish Steve the Cheerful Slut.

5 things people don’t know about me: oh god idk. I’m from New Brunswick, Canada and my brother & parents still live there while my sister lives with me in Alberta. I own a lot of shoes, but I rarely actually wear them so I display them the same way people display glass figurines or something. I’ve mentioned that I don’t really read books often, but the only books I’ve read and finished since 2013 were the Captive Prince trilogy (I think ppl tend to consider ‘I don’t read books’ on a curve when they learn my job). I hate the colour yellow, including anything that has yellow mixed with it.  I’m 31 yrs old (just reminding you for context) and I’ve never had sex.  I don’t actually care, either, and normally I don’t bring it up because I don’t want to have a conversation about it (or be infantilized for it), but I also think there aren’t enough people who just say ‘never had it, don’t care’. 

Tag 5 people: @viperbranium, @whtaft, @lololovescheese. @dizzy-redhead, @pyrohydriscence