#and i find myself weirdly envious

[beatbawksradio]

hm

[words-after-midnight]

Finally making progress on this "new" (actually very old in concept) chapter of Act I. Here's a (very unpolished) scene featuring weirdly suggestive marshmallow roasting + general suggestive (mutual) roasting. I often miss Gabriel's young and relatively unjaded self, so it's been nice to spend some time with that version of him in some of these early scenes.

Tagging my beta readers if interested, even though I feel lowkey bad for bestowing this cursed content upon you (but I'd also feel bad for not showing you a new scene lol): @ananarchie @sunset-a-story @catchingbigfish @joeys-piano

cw: suggestive (as mentioned)

The third night, unseasonably balmy, finds Jeff and I sitting alone by the campfire, Daphne and Kyle having hit the hay uncharacteristically early. Apparently, they thought we wouldn’t notice the both of them slipping into Kyle’s tent – which, to be fair, I didn’t notice until Jeff pointed it out, but I can’t believe they didn’t think he’d notice. He notices everything. It’s one of many things about him that I’m both baffled by and deeply envious of.

I watch him roast a marshmallow with the precision of a surgeon, his features bathed in the soft glow of the flames. He’s fresh from a shower, still wearing the plaid fleece jacket, but with – visibly – nothing underneath above the waist. His hair, warm and glistening in the light of the fire, hangs damp and wavy to his earlobes. He doesn’t seem to notice me staring at him, but I know he does. Like I said, he notices everything.      

I force myself to break the spell. “How are you wearing that?”

His sharp focus doesn’t waver. The marshmallow’s flesh is now of a deep, golden brown, the burn spread more or less uniform across its surface. “Hm?”

I laugh softly. “The jacket. It’s like sixty degrees out.”

“Fifty-six and going down,” he says, in that haughty tone that drives me crazy. “I checked.”

“Sure doesn’t feel like fifty-six. Especially with the fire.”

I watch as the corner of his lip lifts into a smirk, the light and shadows accentuating that perfect little dimple. He finally looks at me, then, in mischievous playfulness, eyebrows raising just a twitch. “Would you like me to take it off?” he asks, feigning politeness.

I inhale sharply through my nose as the familiar, fluttering burn of desire settles deep in my core. My every nerve is burning to touch him, to close the distance between us – barely log-length, yet impossibly great – but this isn’t the time or place. With a forward jut of my chin, I redirect him to the marshmallow. “Are you trying to char that thing?”

He cackles. “Stop backseat roasting.”

“Says the backseat fucker,” I mutter, shaking my head.

“What was that?”

“You heard me.”

Pulling the jagged stick from the fire at last, he slides the marshmallow from the tip and tosses it to me in a fluid motion, leaving me scrambling to catch it – it lands in my palms scalding, nearly black and oozing burning, sticky goo. I wince.

With an amused grin and a quirk of an eyebrow, he says, “Too hot for you?”

I shake my head, trying to recover the marshmallow from my palm as intact as possible, though most of the escaped liquid remains smeared on my skin. “Just right,” I say, popping what remains of the marshmallow into my mouth as I watch him install another onto the roasting branch and set it aflame. It melts white-hot and bittersweet on my tongue.

“Good,” he says, sounding awfully pleased with himself. “Eat that and calm down, yeah?” Teasingly, and with a quick, smoldering glance in my direction, he adds, “Maybe, if you behave, I’ll show you something later. How’s that sound?”

My stomach flutters in heady anticipation. “What is it?”

He smiles into the fire, the flames slow dancing in his eyes. “It’s a surprise.”

[j0ekw]

Hey did anyone else (particularly ppl who have been to uni) have a bad experience reading Loveless? Not even that its a bad book or anything, I just had a rly hard time with it (I've stopped reading it like halfway)

(B4 reading do be aware that this is quite personal and is more about my experience than the book itself, if ur just looking for discussion on the book specifically then this proly isn't up ur alley)

Like obviously the main character struggling with their sexuality and the consequences that has on the ppl around them is going to be especially sore if that struggle is relatable (which is a bridge I don't want to cross rn). But, as a Uni Student also in the UK, I found the setting weirdly upsetting.

Now its a different uni to mine, the characters are doing different courses to me and come from different backgrounds, but like I can't help but feel a sense of betrayal. In the book, sure there's conflict but the MC, who's just started in first year, is going to uni with ppl they know, they're getting to know ppl there quickly, they're going to cafe's and societies etc. Where I left it off, they were at this prom thing in fancy clothes with a ton of events coming to ahead, and there was a major conflict coming to ahead in the middle of a bouncy castle fight. Its a scene with bad consequences, but like the whole time I can't help but think about how amazing the event sounds, and how cool everyone looks.

My first year was spent being ill, tired all the time from work and the ppl in accommodation, being uncomfortable around most ppl and then, being afraid of some bullshit fine from the uni for keeping the kitchen clean that I felt I was the only one taking seriously (I don't even know if they were legally able to enforce it) and of course, with 2020 rolling around, covid. And sure, things have gotten a bit better since then, it took a few years but I found a good community, better housemates and a better job. And there were good bits in first year. However, reading that book, I couldn't help but think; has my experience been so bad that I can't even fathom what a good uni experience is meant to be? Because the book sounds fake, and maybe there are some exaggerated bits to make it more exciting, but even though I find a lot in common with the MC, it feels like they're in a world a million miles away from my own. Every cafe experience is tainted with regret bc I could've gotten the food cheaper, every society social felt like "go to pub" so god forbid you can't or don't want to drink, I don't think I've even been to a formal event. And even now, as a person helping to run a society, I can't even make that much better because the uni aren't helping! I didn't even start thinking about sexuality till I took a year out working full time, because that was probably the most stable situation I've been in since what feels like forever, and had the headspace to start thinking about that stuff.

And the book itself was published in 2020, its contemporary! I can't even blame the decline of this country due to the ghouls running it on why my experience is so different (altho maybe Alice is writing from her own experience which would be before my own).

I just feel like I've taken years off my life to make this uni thing work, and reading a world where money is a non-issue, fun events are going on, and the MC is around ppl they've known for ages, makes me envious.

I'm realising that this is rly personal and a non-issue in the grand scheme of things, I might just be feeling sorry for myself. I do still need to finish it tbh, maybe I was in a bad frame of mind at the time.

[luicifellt]

So I got some issues..

Emotional issues. This complicates communication greatly..

To try and explain my thoughts, and thought process to my new partner I decided to write some of it down. To help get him an idea.

Because I'm inept at explaining my feelings and emotions.

Beneath the read more will be a lot ... but I need to have it out somewhere. Maybe someone will read it.

I dont know what I hope to get out of this. But its fairly dramatic so ... someone might like to read it.

These are snippets of thought.

Sadness

Anxiety

Stress

Loneliness?

Self hatred

Self disgust

Can't do anything right

Won't finish what's started.

Anything created will be hated, and NOT good enough. At all times.

Am I toxic?

Do you love me? Yes?

I believe you..

But Why?

Not pretty, not talented, not smart.

Kinda phat.

Emotional but can't express it.

Depressive episodes and mood swings...

Females am I rite?

Why bother ?

Why would you pick this? There's better options.. hopefully.

Seems like a mistake to invest in me. Though I'm so happy you did pick me. Never thought I'd have a relationship.

So good to me... can't give anything back though. Its not enough.

Can't handle myself well. Will lash out..

Seems like a animal adoption form. Don't adopt me. I look soft, looks are deceiving.

No motivation hates Self for that

No inspiration hates Self for that

No dreams or aspirations hates Self for that

No hobbies doesn't do much hates Self for that

Probably the worst conversationalist. Only has about 5 witty bright and fun days where true humor truly shows (a year) hates Self for that.

Selfish! can't stand myself, but still want the nice things.

Egotistical hates Self 90% of the time the other 10% is spend on Self complimenting ???

Hates Self for that. Thanks brain.

Horrible body image. Hasn't realy looked at self more that absolutely necessary in 15 years. When mirror is used:  -10 don't recommend.

Uses self deprecating humor to feel better. Bad trait.

Can't control bad thoughts, let's it spiral like a junji ito story.

See! can be funny..is not enough though, is it.

Friend(s) will tire of this.

Got nothing to add to the group.

Can't (but should) find the energie and motivation to change that short term.

Long term probably not worth it. Tho Time will move anyway.. why have people waste it.

Fear of abandonment, fear of being left alone. Also weirdly craving it, to get it over with.

Convinced feelings can be turned off and broken. Maybe it should.

Who's kidding, sobbing mess in private! But can barely cry in company. Why. Nobody knows.  *ugly cryier

Should honestly, cry more... should cry more honestly. Shouldn't let it vester for months. But I will.

No fysical energy. No creative energy. Stuck In the limbo of adult life.

Gets envious of people that know how to express themselves and have dreams and can make art and spend their time productive. Hates Self for that.

Self hate trumps envy. Keeps me grounded.

Don't know where the balls to hold out like this come from.. weird episodes of righteous ideas on improvement and finding motivation to improve. Can and will not last longer than 5 to 7 business days.

Tried psychologic help. Makes head messier and can't express any thought or feeling without feeling like crying.. main reason to keep it in.

Why does it bother me? Will cry literally everytime, feelings need to be discussed. No one wants that... yes. I decided that, because I don't want that.

Convinced that whatever power the universe holds in its dark matter, it manifests as bad luck.. consistently.. Time and experience have proven this to me.

Maybe just pessimistic.

Definitely just pessimistic.

Good taste in music tho. Bit static perhaps.

Has grand ideas. Doesn't know how to express them. Dissapointing.

Will overthink most things. Takes pride in well thought out plans... overthinking still more a problem, than a benefit.

Loves deeply for a lot of things but can't invest in one thing. Took a long time to convince myself I could love. Inexperienced.

Wish I could do better for you. Wish I could like me more.

Has hope to get better with help. But the spirals... Make me tired.

Has thought about dying. Knows this is a no no. Been through this before at years 12 through to 18. Never again. Not like that.

Weight loss helped.... people around me, to behave normally.

With the exception of a few, people would be degrading, look down on me, find me disgusting.

What I later learned however is that its usually not okay to express these thing out loud, to the persons face... especially when underage.

except when you're fat apparently because people would... constantly, daily, even if they didn't know me. They'd still tell me in passing.. as if hearing it would change anything in that moment.

I have had people do double takes and track back so they could tell me I'm offensive to the eyes.

I wish i made that up to be dramatic.

I feel like I have lived 2 lives.

But the first one seems so far away. It's not just the "getting old" part, nor the nostalgia factor. I suspect I simply blocked out a lot of it. Memories have more gaps than I care to admit.

I grief over this often. Sounds dramatic, again... but its the truth. I feel like a big part of Self got lost in those years and I'll never find it again.

Regrets and heartbreak over small things seem, so big when you have a lot of them.

It hurts.

It hurts to look at all the stuff I possess and gathered over the years.

All the art supplies all the expensive materials. The tools, the airbrush, the paints and canvases. The clay, the silicone, the make up...

They mock me everytime I catch them gathering dust in the closet, or drawer. They take up endless amounts of space... but I can't get rid of it.. because, what if.. as if.

Not having these things hurts more...

I can write pretty decently. To bad everything written feels like a edgy YA novel. Dropped.

Reading used ro be a comfort.. now a pressure at the back of my head reminding me of how it USED to be. Reading now no longer an adventure, or practical pass time.

Feels like wasting time. ( and money)

Sometimes it feels like one more dissapointment away from running on empty.

No thoughts, head empty.

Sounds appealing. Where do you sign up.

Imagine being simultaneously most loved and taken care off by a partner, for the first time in your life... but also the most lost.

Feels like a disappointment.. one of many. How much more do I have, before it's to much for me, or the people around me.

Maybe i SHOULD write angsty YA novels.

Maybe not.

Wonder where the irrational thoughts and fits come from. Could it be trauma? Could it be drama? Maybe in another life I was a theatre kid after all.

Goals: be part of it, stop being a spectator.

Pick a personality that you like and stick with it. Be useful.

[yandere-sins]

Can I have something where beel tries to feed his darling, but she’s a picky eater, so normally she just lets beel eat her food. And at first, he really likes it, but she’s eating less and less (shes not starving herself entirely . That said, onl eating chips and popcorn is terrible for you). So beel forces her to eat something, even if it tastes too salty for her or tastes wrong. Sorry if this is too weirdly specific but I’m ridiculously picky and having an inattentive yandere feed me is my worst nightmare but no one ever talks about it

Sure! I wouldn’t call myself picky but I am very selective when it comes to consistency and all, so I kind of understand it ^^’

»»———————— ♡ ————————««    

Beel first noticed you playing with your food rather than eating it the day you offered it to him for the first time. He had gone out of his way to get you one of the special new meals from the fast-food truck that would be in town for a while. It was his very unique, particular way of showing he cared about you, holding himself back from eating until he arrived at home and could share it with you. You were thankful, no question asked, but you barely took two bites from everything before pushing it off to him, saying you already ate.

For a while, he quite liked it. It was like sharing the meal with you. Asmodeus always went on about sharing indirect kisses with the people he liked, so when Beel took a sip from your soda straw, he finally understood the excitement behind it. But when he didn't catch you preparing yourself a meal late at night - when you thought everyone was in bed already - he worried about you. If Beel needed so much food, he could only think about how much more your fragile human body required. It wasn't a good showcase of hospitality that you wouldn't be able to eat anything while you were here, after all, it was his responsibility too to make you feel at home.

It would have been easy to wave it off as a one-time occurrence if it didn't happen again. And again. And by the fourth time, he knew something was wrong. "Food down here... is special," you tried to explain to him as he finally took the courage to ask you what's wrong. Beel thought about it for a while, comparing it to the few things he ever ate from the human world. Even if there were different spices and ingredients, it wasn't like he gave you crazy delicacies from the Devildom. What he served was still normal, just like when you ate food from a different country up in the human world. Yet, you weren't convinced as he shared this thought with you, and for the first time, he felt his heart clench in disappointment.

There wasn't much to his name, other than that he was a glutton. Even if he did sports and hung out with his brothers, he'd always just be the hungry one. For most of his life, he hadn't been bothered by it, but now that you had turned up and changed everyone's life around, Beel felt envious of his brothers being recognized as something more than just their sin. He was always a bit more in the shadows—mediocre, unseen, unimportant.

If only he could be someone to you that helped you and was liked by you, that's all he wanted.

Not even Beelzebub could answer the question of what had ridden him that day to act the way he did. When he noticed you punching your fists into his chest and opened his eyes to you staring at him in horror and panic, he snapped back out of it, pulling his tongue out of your mouth and only leaving the sweet taste of whipped cream behind in yours.

"Are you mad? Why did you do that?" was what your eyes seemed to scream at him while you rubbed off the excess food from your mouth. Licking his lips, Beel could still feel the linger of your lips on his, admitting that maybe he was. He tasted the sweetness of the cream together with the salty fries he had given to you, mixed with your saliva on his tongue, and making his stomach grumble at the thought of how amazing it had tasted. It wanted more. Beel wanted more.

You were still struggling to say something - not surprising as he forced a handful of fries dipped in whipped cream down your throat before kissing you breathless - as Beel fished for another serving, tasting it but this time without your additional seasoning. Genuine disappointment was what he felt as he chewed it down, tasting nothing like the amazing experience he had just gone through. It was you. It was all you; he should have known.

Dipping his finger in cream, you flinched hard as he smeared it all over your lips, alarm bells going off in your head, and you reflexively turned to him to say something. But Beel was way quicker, way needier of your lips than you were. The cream was smearing everywhere, some of it tangled between your tongues as he harassed yours with his. Even with your choked-up screams and grumbles, fingernails digging into his muscular body, Beel wouldn't budge, much too enthralled by your taste.

Maybe this was why he had received so many warnings from his brothers, to be careful around you. Beel could have just eaten you up right then and there. The taste of your soul was a unique, delicate thing, and he would have liked to gobble it up, make himself the only one that ever tasted it. But at the last second, he snapped back to his senses, desperate tears in your eyes as you couldn't find a way to pry him off you, his teeth biting into your lips as if he truly was ready to devour you.

Even if your mouths separated, Beel hung over you, staring at you like a hungry animal would look at its prey. "You need to eat. Everyone needs to, so please make sure you don't go hungry."

Confused, you briefly hesitated before nodding, scared of what he'd do if you said 'no'. Conflicted, Beel finally sat back, taking a deep breath. It took everything from him to control himself. Had he known he would be this dangerous, he wouldn't have come so close to you, but it was already too late.

His eyes fell down to your disheveled body, the struggle clearly visible, your stomach exposed, and you pulled in the sparsely clad legs of yours, trying to make yourself proper again in your tank and shorts, hoping he would stop looking at you like prey if you covered up.

"One more taste," he thought to himself. "I just need one more taste."

"I'll help you get hungry," he offered, but his voice made it clear he had already decided. Exercise always made Beel hungry. Fighting made him hungry. Eating was pleasure, and pleasure was eating. He could have one more taste, and maybe it would make him more than just the boring, hungry brother. Perhaps he could bring the joy of eating to you if it was something you struggled so much with. There was so much more he could give to you and let you taste, and in return, you could just give him one more taste of you. You just had to learn to make the right connections to food in your head and maybe him helping you would build these up.

"Don't worry, I'll help," he assured you, his hand driving under your hips, easily picking you up and pulling you closer to him. Even when you yelped and tried to kick, you were quickly caught in his grip, his breath sending shivers down your spine as he dragged his lips over your inner thigh. Until he bared his fangs, jaw opening wide and the pain robbing you of the ability to scream.

Even if it would take forever to get you to enjoy the food he gave you, he'd make sure you'd enjoy it as much as he enjoyed you.

[stanzoeywade]

QUEEN B GIRLS pt 4 (feat. Chloe St.James)

The queen of naïvete or stupidity, it's up to you decide. Literally has dumb bitch energy but in a weirdly lovable way. She's an airhead, but it's just how she is. Thank God she's pretty.

Ah, Chloe St.James. Who exactly are you?

She's well-known on campus as the second in command in terms of Poppy's army of skanks, AKA the Zeta house. Before, Rosie came in and disrupted the food chain, our platinum blonde was second in the food chain. One spot behind her long term bestie (?) Poppy. How they came to be friends, we'll never know. Rumour has it Chloe is being taken advantage of because she not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. However, if I'm being completely honest, they do seem to have a good relationship. I could be wrong though, and it's far too early to even dissect the cobweb that is the Min-Sinclair clique.

How does a seemingly sweet and naïve girl get to be part of Belvoire's exclusive top ten? Well, let me take you back to Miss St.James' first year. Her reputation tanked when she decided to wear last season Gucci, but instead of being ripped apart by our queen bitch, she was taken in. Some people think that it's because Chloe reminded Poppy of her younger self or maybe because she actually has a heart deep down, reserved only for people she actually finds tolerable. I, myself don't subscribe to that bullshit and I think that Poppy just took Chloe in because she's perfect for her plastic army. I mean look at Regina George's so called "friends", every mean girl needs a Karen.

Despite her lack of common sense, Chloe's actually kind of an idiot-savant, in which she's never actually failed a class. Surprising, I know but I guess she's just weirdly peychic when it comes to her academics, which is a mystery we'll never know the answer to.

She's also well-known in the cheerleading club for her dancing skills, I'm probably going to get hung for saying this but she's actually really good. Maybe even better than Poppy. Her skills have been put on display for campus to see during this year's kick-off day, and it seems like Chloe got to show-off this year because there's a stark difference between last year and now. It looks much more polished and less robotic, like thought and care was actually put in, so props to that.

I've never actually seen her so confident and content, guess having control over something you enjoy doing makes a huge difference.

Chloe may seem all sweet and gentle, but don't be fooled. I've seen her make girls cry with her words too, she did learn from the best. Her insults are scathing and will leave third degree burns in their wake. I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end because despite her tumultuous friendship with Veronica and Poppy, she's still stubbornly protective. I've seen her tear a freshman down because she overheard insults being thrown. RIP 🙏 Begonia Thotia, we will pray for you. I hope you've recovered from the burn department.

Even after all the drama last year, she's still friends with Poppy. During the summer, the iconic trio were seen at Chloe's luxury House in Aspen, like true American elites. (Oh to be young, hot and pretty in Aspen. The true American dream.)

I know I've made jabs at her carefree nature, but in all honesty? I'm envious of her innocence. She lives life the way she wants to, without any of the weight and stress behind her. I want that for myself to, but alas I'm not rich, hot or pretty. She's vibing and I low-key vibe with that.

She's infuriating, sure but sometimes she says the darnedest things. I've never wanted to simultaneously laugh or feel bad for another person but Chloe somehow achieves that without trying. She just has no filter. She can make things sound mean without meaning to and I've never been more entertained. Whereas Poppy make men and women cry just because she can, Chloe does it by accident. She doesn't quite know how to filter her words, sometimes she says things that isn't meant to be rude or mean, it just comes across that way. It's the funniest thing.

She can be conceited but what did you expect? She's at the top of the food chain alongside her friends, why shouldn't she be? She's not afraid to flaunt it either, but she's not that bad, unlike some people. 👀

Also I feel like y'all underestimate how much of a dumbass she can be, I've heard her call computers "box thing with the thingy that makes clicky noises" so don't come at me. She's still iconic though.

Overall, she's an airhead, but she's lovable in a way. You can't help but find her naivety endearing, no wonder queen bitch is protective. She's just a cinnamon roll, a dumb one but you know it be like that sometimes.

Taglist: @somewillwin @uhh-the-green-thing @jmojellybae @simp-pony @made-me-deep-blue @uselesslesbianfr @it-lives-in-braidwood-manor @belvoiresqueenbee @alexlabhont @samanthadalton @crazzyplays @sparring-hyena @baexpoppy @cloakanddaggerthings @thepotatobleh @somin-yin @narierei2709 @shows-simp-card @thatwhorefromnextdoor @ashleyfenner @cloud9in @calraquin   @wolfietheduckyou @promisedneverwrite @penda-bear

[heterodickpaper]

you read through responses you get in the text box questions on your uquizzes? if so do you have any responses you particularly like?

yes i looooove looking thru i actually cant see what ppl picked for the multiple choice ones anymore coz like 11k ppl took it which is crazy...mostly i just love reading abt the things that ppl love and the things that r on their mind it makes me feel weirdly connected. here r some of my fav text box answers!!! (the prompt is tell me abt someone or something you love)

"lukas"--who is lukas?? i think it's lovely that this person thought of lukas when taking my uquiz. i hope someday someone talks abt me in a uquiz text box.

"YOUR WRITING IS GORGEOUS and it makes me envious ?" -- literally nothing makes me happier

"I LIKE HIM A LOT"--relatable.

"I know(or so it is said) that your partner/boyfriend is supposed to be your soulmate, but my best friend is. I think we share the same soul and I cry sometimes thinking if something happened to her, if I’d be able to go on with a fractured soul ( insert horcrux joke to make it less sad)" -- there is something so special about best friends having one is the luckiest thing on earth this made me want to cry

"My girlfriend and I are about to have our 8th anniversary!" -- it is amazing to me that someone with such a nice stable relationship (8 years!!!!) is taking my uquiz. one day i hope that is me!!!!

just all the ones that are love letters to their friends/lovers/partners/family it makes me happy that all these ppl have found who makes them whole

"balls" -- cant rlly relate but someone has to ig!!

"he looks just like a dream, he's the prettiest boy I've ever seen he looks just like an arctic monkeys song he's the prettiest boy ever his hands are perfect his smile makes me faint he makes me so happy i could stare at him for hours he's just perfect but he makes me feel gross he makes me feel infinitely unworthy and undesirable and even though we barely know eachother it still hurts watching him fade away he doesn't make me feel gross, i do, i make myself feel gross," -- i love this one coz it feels like it's ripped out of my own thoughts and i find comfort in knowing that there are other people who would understand me completely

"Me" --self explanatory

"dead fish" -- hm.

"i was writing so much on here but it was not coherent at all so i just stopped writing ? sorry"

"He’s an ass" --yeah he is.

all the ones that r literally so me...why do we all have the same life

anyway im sure theres a shit ton of absolute bangers in there that i missed but

[blooming-violets]

Yes!! I feel you there. Especially seeing something in real life you’ve been stuck on! Whatever my obsession of the month is, I will go to bed thinking about, wake up thinking about, and will not stop thinking about it throughout the day. For some reason I have spent the last couple of weeks obsessing and researching the best bird feeders. I have never once been a bird person, never bought a bird feeder, but apparently that’s important this month. I’m sometimes envious over people who consume media and think, “oh I like that”. And that be the end of it. I don’t know what that’s like lol. But hey, without it, I don’t think I would have joined Tumblr, met some great people and read some of the best fics.

Yes!! Stepping away is really scary. I’ve only done it once successfully when things were getting really bad and the obsession was becoming unhealthy. But that was a combo of me being in a rough spot and being young. I’m 30 (😭) now and I still have to find that balance. You’ve articulated it perfectly. Living in the imaginary fantasy world you create is safe and comfy. Why would I want to leave it and deal with an unfun scary world of reality where my comfort characters don’t exist. Thank you for opening the door for this chat! I don’t have friends who get it, so thanks for talking about it with me!

Sidenote - absolutely zero pressure of course, write what speaks to you! But I would absolutely weep with joy if you threw in an Eddie fic 😅

I just straight up gasped because I had a bird feeder thing too!!! What is it about bird feeders that is so appealing to our brains? And a squirrel house thing. I was weirdly obsessed with finding a perfect, handmade squirrel house as if I would ever know how to install it up a tree. My backyard animals need to be comfy and happy and I will not sleep until they're all taken care of! I hope you got a good bird feeder and made the birds happy.

I'm 30 too and just now figuring out to get a handle on things. It takes time but it's worth it. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Part of me still wants to lock myself in my bedroom for days on end and do nothing but sleep and obsess over my favorite things. But apparently that's "not living" and "unhealthy" or whatever lol

I will talk about mental health with anyone, at any given time, whenever and where ever. It's one of my favorite things to overtalk about. I'm glad you can relate (well...actually, I'm sorry that you can relate, that sucks, but I'm glad to be reminded that I'm not the only one with issues).

This weekend I'll try to write something for Eddie and see what I can come up with. The idea for the fic is there and growing. It involves angst and heartbreak and awful things because what else would I ever write? Fluff? Pssh no way. Angst girl at heart forever.

[lunarsapphism]

you know, i watch a lot of streamers and youtubers and whatever, and i find myself feeling weirdly envious of what they have a lot of the time. i didnt know why for a long while but i think ive figured out that its not because they have a large following or because they're popular, its because they have so many of their memories recorded. like i will watch 7 hours of a steamer just playing a game and talking with their friends, then later when its over see clips of said stream on social media and just wish that i was able to have that same experience. i can appreciate the concept of living in the moment, but my memory is shit. i dont remember half of the things ive done with friends (that i would very much like to remember) very easily or sometimes even at all. it would be so nice to have funny or sweet or just absolutely insane moments with my friends on video as we grow up so that i essentially have true copies of those memories and something to look back on, but i dont really have that opportunity.

[loviesun]

checkmate - [ bang chan ] 

pairing: bang chan x reader

genre: angst, fluff, slight suggestive ig?

warning: mentions of blood, 

a/n: this is a request from this bb @dasha-2613​, and also i think i really haven’t search up a lot of things about vampires that’s why it’s kinda confusing for me but if there are any mistakes feel free to message me or comment that there’s something wrong like that hehe. there will be part 2 coming up soon!

it was your first time going out again, after locking up yourself for how many days in your apartment, it’s been several days since you’ve lost contact with the outside world but now you have no choice but to get out to buy some groceries cause when you opened your fridge today all you see inside were bottles of water so you decided to buy some

changing into soft and comfortable clothes, tightening your shoe lace so that it wouldn’t come off, locking your door so no intruder would come and steal something inside your apartment

as you exit your apartment everything felt new, it seemed like a lot has changed every since you went out of your apartment. it felt like the sun was too bright for you even if it was just at the right amount of brightness.

you noticed that a lot of things have really changed, the park near the river had been renovated, everything was not the same as before. your favorite coffee shop renovated into a much more bigger building, and it seemed like you really did miss a lot

it was still 4 in the afternoon so you decided to buy coffee and walk around the park before you buy your groceries, you sat down at right by the river and looked at the surroundings. you could see people hanging out together with their partners, children running around far from the water so they would drown

you busied yourself by reading some e-books, continuing the book series that you started reading just a few weeks ago, your friends started dialing you last week asking you to spend time with them since you locked yourself in your apartment for months now

you didn’t notice it was already five thirty in the afternoon and also you finished the drink you bought just an hour ago, noticing how slow you can drink now since your eyes and brain is engrossed with the book your reading

you decided to go buy now the things that you need and head home early cause your easily tired with things now, you noticed because you couldn’t even clean up your apartment for how many days. all you did in your apartment was all just sleeping, eating, reading and lazy stuff 

entering the nearby supermarket and choosing the things that you needed the most, you learned how to save up money since you called yourself broke, you bought all the necessities that were needed to be bought because you might use it for future purposes

after buying everything that you needed, you decided to go back home alone by yourself, knowing how dangerous it is to go outside all by yourself but of course, you decided to risk your life knowing also the possibilities of you getting kidnapped

as you held on the bags tightly there it was, your life is in danger, you were always scared because of this and here you are experiencing a life trauma. you walked peacefully on your way back to your apartment, trying to keep calm and act comfortable as possible

at first everything was all okay, but somebody held your hand and tried to stop you from going back safely to your apartment, you tried to push the persons hand away from your wrists due to the pain that you felt and you could see how red your wrist has shown

“what a pretty girl like you doing out here? looking for someone to hook up with? i’m free wanna go somewhere?” he tried pulling you closer to him, an unknown stranger made you feel uncomfortable, knowing this is where all your trauma starts

“please stop, i’m going to scream if you won’t stop forcing me. i’ll call the police and report you” you said while regaining your strength to stay away from the stranger as you tried to pull your arms back at you but you couldn’t he was just too strong

you didn’t notice how you used up your energy and it made you feel tired, the man pushed you down laughing at your frail body, looking at his eyes you could see him laughing at how pathetic you looked, how you tried to fight back to a man who’s much more stronger than you

pushing yourself back away from the man, trying to find something to protect yourself and of course you couldn’t use a green onion to attack him. it’s as if your trying to show him how pathetic and dumb you could, you were in high hopes of him joking or pranking you but he started to touch your legs

“c-can you please stop? i just want to go home and make myself comfortable, pleas stop this right now.” you tried pushing him away but that made him angrier, he tugged your hair tightly and it was like every hair was gonna come off any soon

“you think you could actually fight me back? well goddamn hell no, because you’re gonna satisfy me and make me feel happy little bitch” he held and tugged your hair tighter, it seemed like this is the end. you weren’t able to even spend a lot of times outside but here you are, your life at risk

everything felt tiring, it was like as if somebody threw a rock at your head, everything felt dizzy and your vision started turning into black, you tried to shook it off and tried to open your eyes much more longer

“oi mate, why don’t you stop there and fight me off you fucker” you heard somebody saying something to the guy who made you feel bad in your state, you couldn’t see or hear anything, before you could even see them fight each other you blacked out.

right at where you opened your eyes and everything felt weird, it wasn't the usual room you always see whenever you wake up, and finally, you noticed, your not even in your apartment. looking at your surroundings you could see a normal room with everything that should be inside a bedroom

you stood yourself up and felt a sharp pain in your head and remembered about the unknown man who harassed you and tugged your hair tightly which caused the pain, you massaged it slowly and tried to look for your phone, you wanted to know where and what time it is. you checked and it was past twelve in the afternoon, you weren't really familiar with the room you're staying in  

the door unlocked itself revealing a person holding a glass of water and some medicine at the side, he settled the glass and the medicine right at the bedside table and looked at you weirdly, you couldn't help but look away cause you were embarrassed of yourself

"how are you? feeling any better now? i saw you last night having trouble with going home because of that guy. I tried to call out your name but i didn't realize you collapsed and i panicked when i saw you lying down unconscious on the floor so i decided to bring you here to the apartment cause i didn't know where the hell your apartment is" he explained himself so you wouldn't think of him as a pervert who's kidnapping you and trying to stay you away from your home

you couldn't speak up because everything was confusing you, you looked at him once and looked away, you weren't able to speak up and reply to him yet because you were trying to think where the hell you are and this guy who helped you out

"i know you're still traumatized as to what just happened a few hours ago, how rude of me not to introduce myself, I'm chan, but you can call me chris. depends on what you like" he said in a formal way informing you he's clearly not the pervert guy

"i'm sorry to say this but where the hell am i exactly?" you asked him and waited for him to reply to your question

"we're far away from your apartment actually, i thought it would be better if you'd stay away from your town for just a few weeks. it's quiet here, no one can hurt you or harass you and trust me it's much safer here than your town" he said while placing things on the shelves neatly

"oh okay, but anyway, i'm y/n, the girl who you just saved a few hours ago i guess, and yeah thanks for saving me by the way. it really means a lot to me" you said while standing up from laying down and fixing yourself

"no worries, do you need anything perhaps? or are you hungry?" he asked you as he held the door and opened while waiting for you to answer his question

"food would be good i guess, i haven't eaten that much anyways," you said while looking around the room

you looked back at him and you could see him nodding to your answer, it was unexpectedly at the right moment where you were staring at him and he looked back at you, both your eyes met each other. you didn't know you were staring for too long cause it felt like your eyes were locked with each other, it felt like you couldn't control over because it was inseparable

and that's when your cheeks felt a burning sensation and you realized you were staring far too long and looked away at him and turn your head directly to the window, you could still see him looking at you and finally decided to leave the room and cook some food for you. noticing how the room feels so calm and soothing, you could see some picture frames on top of the shelves

some mini plants sitting beside the books standing on the bookshelf, feeling envious of how neat and clean his house was while remembering yours a big whole mess in overall, you could still see how messy your bedroom was and how your trashes are piling over the trash bin. you just noticed now that your beloved hard copy books were just thrown all over the place scattering inside your apartment, how bad you wanted to go home and clean up all the mess you had been living with for months

you stood up and started roaming around the apartment, you went downstairs you could see him cooking you some food to digest. the food smelt great, you couldn’t deny it, maybe he’s a great cook

“oh, sit down here. i’ll just continue cooking this” he said as he points at the dining table, telling you to sit down and wait for him to finish cooking the food for you

you sat down and started looking around the house, you could really see how clean it is. never knowing a guy could be so neat around his surroundings, you wanted to be like this but because of your small motivation you didn’t

laying your head down on the table while waiting for the food, not noticing you fell asleep while waiting for him to finish, you felt a few taps on your shoulder. rubbing your eyes slowly and looking at who disturbed your sleep

“here, eat it before it gets cold. i made it for you, i hope you like it” he said pushing the bowl of soup and paired with rice, he looked at you waiting for you to start eating. you didn’t want to eat alone because you felt bad

“a-are you gonna eat too?” you asked him nervously, waited for him to reply you. he replied with a hum and looked at you

“i already ate a while ago, don’t worry about me. eat up, your food is going cold any minute soon” he said while making gestures with his hand to eat up 

you started eating while he watches you eat up the food, surprisingly you didn’t feel weird eating while he’s watching in front of you. somehow, you felt comfortable around him, he felt like your safe place, somewhere you can run into and cry to his arms

as you finish eating you noticed he was looking on his phone and you were startled that his instincts were so sharp that as soon as you looked at him he looked back at you, you both made eye contact. you really felt comfortable around him

“you done? here drink something, i’ll just clean this” he said while giving you a water bottle while he picks up the things on the table and started washing the dishes and you drank the bottle at once, shocked at how thirsty you actually were

you looked at him finishing the dishes and placing them inside the cupboard, he then started looking for something inside the refrigerator. he took out some root beer, and of course you thanked him because it was only artificial, you haven’t tried real alcohol yet

“come here, i want to ask you something. if it’s okay for you i guess” he said while patting the seat next to him, you sat down comfortably as if you were inside your own apartment

“so how long have you been living alone?” he asked you while drinking the can in his hand 

“it’s been years i guess, ever since my parents left me here. I wasn’t supposed to be living alone, i was staying in the dorms but the school had no more space for me so I decided to find some place to stay” you said drinking slowly looking at the tv right in font of you

“i’m sorry to hear that, so you’ve paid your payment in your apartment fully? since you lived there for how long now” he said looking at you

“nah, i still have to pay for my rent. it’s been three months since i haven’t paid my rent, that’s why the landlord has been telling me to move out and find some other place, but i’m still struggling since i have not much money right now” you said

“why don’t you live with me then? he asked you.

[jaxxartbox]

Okay, not going to lie, EVERYTIME you draw a dramione or just hermione piece, I become so envious of her hair it’s not even funny. The golden highlights, the curly waves, the BOOODDDY. Ugh, I want to have magnificent hair too dammit 😭😭 in short, I find myself weirdly fangirling not only over your art, but the epic hair lol . I hope you are safe during these really strange times ❤️-Megz

aha thank you so much! tbh I’m kind of in the same boat. I have pin straight hair that can NEVER hold a curl and it irritates the crap out of me 😭😂

Hope you’re staying safe too! seems like 2020 hasn’t really ended yet LOL ❤️ 

[hannahsmusings]

Renee

*I was so oblivious to Jen’s staring as I rifle through my suitcase trying to find my cover up and my tanning oil, cheering quietly to myself when I found them both* *I steal a glance up towards her, taking in her floral bikini and her shirt cover up, my eyes roaming her body and not sure how I didn’t see just how gorgeous she was before, knowing if I had just met her for the first time in New York she’d be the girl I was trying to bring home with me* *I was about to say something before I hear Jen’s words, tilting my head at her with a furrowed brow* I’m not ripped! *I look down at my body, knowing I was in good shape but I was no where near ripped in my opinion, giggling a bit* I have a decent body, sure, but I’m not ripped. And don’t get me started on your body! I could sit here all day and compliment you and those legs. *even before I knew I was attracted to girls, I used to always compliment Jen and tell her how pretty she was, always telling her to show off her legs more because they looked nice, and now I realized that I was just suppressing the gayness of those thoughts considering I now realized her legs and thighs were perfect and how I’d love to imagine them wrapped around my head* *I throw the cover up on, trying to distract myself from my thoughts about going down on her* I did date a personal trainer for a while so I kind of cheated the system and got into shape real quick because of that. *I shrug and giggle, making sure not to mention that the personal trainer was a girl, sliding my sandals on* You ready to go, pretty? *I hold my arm out for her to link her arm with mine as she always did, but it also felt so domestic in this moment and how I couldn’t help but think about us walking through this resort hand in hand* 

______________________________________

*blushes a little, worried I was coming on too strong but grinning* Those abs though, Jesus Christ. *grins, glad you weren't taking this weirdly and it giving me the confidence to say a little more if I wanted to* *eyes widen as you talk about my legs, looking down at them and heart fluttering as I didn't think they were anything special* Really? *cheeks flush but grins to myself, not being nearly as confident as you so compliments always caught me off guard a little* Guess I need to date a personal trainer then. *grins before looking at you* Orrrr, you can just be my workout buddy and teach me all the tips. *giggles, knowing I'd never be the athletic one out of us too as I was always the more clumsy one of us, your effortless energy always making me envious as a teen but now it was just something I loved about you* *grabs my sunglasses and book before looking up at you as you offer your arm, heart fluttering as you call me pretty and nodding as I link my arm with yours, ignoring the spark that fluttered through me at the contact* Let's go. *cheeks were still pink as I let you lead me out of our room and down the elevator to the beach at the back of the resort, eyes widening in awe as they'd created like a porch leading out onto the beach* This place is insane. Should we head to the bar first?

[wintersilentdinners]

Writerly Ephemera

Thank you so much for tagging me @amywaterwings I love all of your fics so much, and it was so cool to get to see the little pieces of you that ended up in them.

I could describe the challenge in my own words, but I think Amy put it so beautifully:

The idea (and I hope I understand it!) is Writerly Ephemera, which is a word for when we add little bits of ourselves to our writing, scattering memories and places and phrases and things into our stories. The game is to find five examples of this, of YOU, in your writing and show everyone.

This seemed impossible at first, but soon I had so many examples that it was difficult to pick! My 5 examples are below the cut!

1. In Simon and the Phantoms, there's a reference that hasn't come yet (you're getting a sneak peek!) that is so embarrassing. I was a huge One Direction fan growing up (ok, still am, ngl) and the best way I could think to describe an excited crowd was a 1D concert. People were always screeching, not just because the music was good (the attractive band members helped....)

We get to the instrumental break, and Baz picks up his violin again. He sounds incredible, as usual, and all the girls in the crowd scream like this is a fucking One Direction concert (although I have to admit that I see where they’re coming from).

2. In the sweetest con, the ice cream shop is based on the best ice cream experience I've ever had. My friend and I went to see our mutual friend's dance recital, but rather than go out with everyone afterwards, she took me to this ice cream stand on the side of the road. It was delicious, and the vibes were off the charts.

His ice cream shop is quite literally on the side of the road. It’s as though we’ve left the town altogether and ended up on some strange, way-back roads. The store itself is circular, with curved windows along the front. The white walls stand out in the darkness, as does the bright neon sign, which reads EBB’S ICE CREAM, topped with a picture of a banana split. Despite it being in the middle of nowhere, the parking lot is full. Teenagers are sprawled out in the grassy area surrounding the place, enjoying their dessert or just laying in the grass.

It also should be noted that my entire evermore series comes from my deep love for Taylor Swift. (and Dana's encouragement)

3. My Carry On Countdown Day 26 last year, Does he know you can move it like that?, is based on another One Direction song. (That's so embarrassing.) I'm a bit of a wild dancer. I just kinda flail around and my body takes over. It's not good, but it's entertaining. The basis of the One Direction song "Does he know" is does your boyfriend know you're such a sexy dancer, but I thought oh gosh if that happened to me it'd be 'does he know you are such a wacky dancer. I decided Simon dances the same way.

That’s when I see it. A flash of golden hair, oscillating wildly on the dance floor. The mob spreads out, and suddenly the wild dancer is in the center. I can just about see them from where I’m leaning against the bar. They’re doing this weird motion with their arms where they criss cross them in and out, making an x to the beat, and their legs have a mind of their own. Half jumping, half shuffling, it seems they’ll go wherever the beat takes them. I’m surprisingly envious of this person. I wish I had their ease, their comfort in their own skin. They look ridiculous, sure, but they also look like they’re having fun. Somewhere deep down in my cold heart, I love having fun. As the song ends, the crowd starts cheering, and the mystery dancer turns my way. That’s when I get a good glimpse of them. Golden curls, moles I can spot from here, a ragged old t-shirt and jeans. Simon fucking Snow. I need to get out of this bar.

4. Another Carry On Countdown, Day 28, keep shining on. My most favorite Christmas tradition is driving around neighborhoods with my mom, looking at other people's light displays. We always get hot chocolate and listen to music, and it just feels so magical. On top of that, "Christmas Lights" by Coldplay has always been one of my favorite songs ever. I was a dramatic kid, so it appealed to me so much.

If we drive around for one more minute, I think I might be sick. “Remind me why we’re driving in circles right now when I could be in my pyjamas,” I grumble. “I’ve almost found the house, I promise!” Shepard calls from the front seat. “This better be worth it.” Simon takes my hand and scoots to the middle of the backseat. “Besides, it’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve , Baz. You have to get in the spirit!” he says. I just roll my eyes, pressing my face to the cool window. I have to admit, the houses are really pretty. It feels like every house on this street is lit up brightly with gaudy Christmas lights. There are blow-up snowmen and Father Christmases on roofs. It’s almost comforting.

5. I gave Baz my Fleetwood Mac obsession in Sing Me to Sleep. Like me, Baz gets it from his mother. I always loved "Landslide" as a kid because my mom would play it just for me in the car. She'd cry when she sang, but I never knew why. Now, I know what it's like to connect to the song as you grow older. I made Simon defend "Silver Springs" because it is one of their best songs. Both of these songs would be played from her CD of The Dance, which was a live recording of the band in the 90s.

Then I started listening to The Dance, my comfort album. It reminds me of driving in the car with my mother before she passed. She would always cry to “Landslide,” but neither of us ever acknowledged it. Now Snow is in my apartment, mentioning how he loves Fleetwood Mac and defending the honor of “Silver Springs.” I’m not quite sure what to do with myself, if I’m honest. I keep going back and forth between loathing and something weirdly close to yearning.

THAT GOT TO BE SO LONG! Sorry!! I just love telling stories. I'd love to see your examples, if you're comfortable sharing! I'll tag just a few: @snowybank @seducing-a-vampire @ninemagicks @aristocratic-otter @palimpsessed and anyone else who feels inspired :)

[here4theheartbreak]

Found My Place Chapter 1: Secret

AO3 Link Here!

Relationships: main YoonJin, side VMin (mentioned) Rating: Explicit

Genres: angst, smut Tags (for entire fic): idol AU (canonverse), transgender character, transgender Seokjin, FTM Seokjin, transphobia, pre-debut, misgendering, bisexual Yoongi, supportive Yoongi, discussion of gender confirming surgeries and HRT, virgin Seokjin, sex anxiety, first time, vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex, generic and scientific terms for female bodied genitals, squirting, barebacking, dirty talk, multiple orgasms, angst with a happy ending

Summary: Jin has a secret that could ruin BTS before they even had a chance to debut. To make matters worse (and better) Yoongi is determined to pursue him to the ends of the earth. Is balancing his secrets and his life possible, or will it all come toppling down around him?

Chapter Word Count: ~3.2k

“Hey, do you wanna go grab dinner tonight? My treat.” Yoongi’s voice was soft. Jin glanced up from his phone. Yoongi was chewing his bottom lip, looking far more timid than usual.

“Something wrong?” Jin worried.

“No. Just. Hm.” Yoongi frowned a little, his brows furrowed. He settled onto the floor across from Jin and put his arms around his knees. The dorm was surprisingly quiet, a rarity with seven boys living in a confined space.

“You look like something’s up.”

“Do you like me, Jin-hyung?”

“What? Of course.” Jin smiled a little. “Why would you think I don’t?”

“Not as a friend. But more.”

Jin hesitated, tilting his head a little. The question sent painful daggers of anxiety straight to his stomach. “What’s bringing this on, Yoongi?”

Yoongi huffed, scrubbing his hands through his hair and ruffling it. Jin bit back the chuckle at its messy state, reaching out and flattening it. “Talk to me.”

“I don’t get it. You’re… So damn perfect,” Yoongi mumbled. “I’m not good talking about this shit.”

“You can tell me anything.” Jin touched his arm instinctively, offering a small smile.

“I want to kiss you,” Yoongi blurted, biting his lips immediately after and diverting his eyes. “I want… I mean I want to date you. We’ve shared a space for a while now and some days I feel like you feel the same way. But then other days you seem so weirdly standoffish and I get confused. And I know you don’t want to risk the group but… Jimin and Tae are dating and we’re all fine with that.”

Jin sighed softly. “Yoongi,” he said softly.

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Give me that pitiful sounding voice. I misunderstood, didn’t I?” Yoongi curled in on himself a little more, his shoulders sagging in.

“I’m not pitying you. I do like you, Yoongi.”

“Then why when I ask…” Yoongi shrugged.

“Because things are more complicated for me than they are for Jimin or Tae. You don’t need that stress.”

“Why do you get to decide if I need it?” Yoongi asked, perking up a little. “I’m an adult too. If you were here I’d be the eldest of the group. I’m not some child for you to baby like the maknaes.”

“No, of course not.” Jin sighed, wanting more than anything to fix this. “But this isn’t something simple. It’s not like dating in secret or being gay in our industry. This is bigger.”

“What is it, hyung?”

“I can’t.”

Yoongi’s injured expression shifted to anger. “Why not? Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course I trust you.”

“Then why can’t you just tell me? What’s stopping you from dating me? From telling me the truth? You talk big about taking care of us but you keep secrets!” He snapped.

Jin winced. “Don’t yell, please.”

“I’m not.” Yoongi huffed and rose from the floor. “Forget about it.”

“Yoongi—”

“No. You can talk to me when you’re ready. Or don’t. Forget I said anything.” He stormed out, slamming the door loud enough that Jin winced.

Jin dropped his face into his hands, groaning softly. He really did like Yoongi. They’d been flirting on and off since he moved into the dorm with them. Yoongi was so different than him, but a perfect complement. He’d spent more time than he’d like to admit daydreaming about how Yoongi’s mouth would feel, how nice it would be to hold his hands non-platonically, to cuddle with him while they all watched a movie. He was mildly envious when Jimin and Taehyung admitted they wanted to begin dating – He’d have given anything to be able to ask Yoongi out. But it was too scary. And too dangerous. The secret that Jin held so close to himself was one that could wreck them before they even debuted.

***

Nearly two weeks passed without incident after their argument. Though Jin tried his best to refrain from flirting with Yoongi – and Yoongi seemed to be doing the same – there was no bad blood between the two. Between choreography practice, vocal lessons, and recordings, bad blood would have been difficult to hold anyway.

The group was just finishing up their choreography practice for the day when the door opened. Their manager entered, looking stern.

“Jin. CEO needs to see you.”

Jin felt his heart leap into his throat. He bowed regardless. “I’ll be right in, let me clean myself up.”

“He said now.” The manager motioned toward the door, making no move to leave before Jin followed. Jin could feel the eyes of every other member on him as he made his way to the door, struggling to regulate his breathing both from dancing and from fear.

The walk up to the CEO’s office had never felt longer. A thousand possibilities raced through Jin’s mind. Was he going to be let go? Told not to debut? Did something happen to a family member? Did someone outside the company find out… The final one was the worst thought. And it was the one that stuck with Jin even as he stood outside the door.

“Get in here, please,” Bang called.

Jin entered, bowing as low as he could manage remaining upright. “Good afternoon, sir.”

“Here.” Bang held out a small stack of paper. “I’ll cut to the chase. We lined up a surgeon for you.”

Jin’s heart skipped a beat. He couldn’t help the smile that tweaked the edges of his mouth up. “Really?”

“Mm. You’ll leave tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow? That’s so soon.” Jin said, taking the papers from Bang.

“We need it done soon. He informed us you could take a few months to recover and we can’t afford that. We want the group to debut in under six months time and I won’t have it held up because of your surgery. You need it done immediately and you will start working out as soon as you’re able.”

“Of course.” Jin bowed. “What do I tell the others?”

“Family emergency. Break. Injury. Don’t care. You’ll need two weeks at least, maybe an additional two if you heal slow.”

Jin nodded. “Thank you. Family emergency sounds the safest.”

Bang waved his hand, signaling the end of the conversation. Jin bowed once more and hurried out, heading toward the changing room.

He peeked in, checking to make sure the other members weren’t in yet. Coast was clear. He headed to the locker he’d shoved his things into and put the papers into his backpack before stripping out of his shirt. Another nervous glance around. He hated the expectation to change in a group. It had made him nervous in school and now made him nervous for entirely different reasons.

The room seemed to still be empty, so Jin undid the tie on his pants and let them drop, sitting down to remove his sneakers and the sweats. He tugged off his binder, drawing in a deep breath as the pressure on his ribs relaxed. Two weeks off or not – he would be relieved to not have to try and exercise normally in one of those again. He glanced down in disdain at his chest. Even after fifteen odd years, he still found looking at himself without the binder disturbing and painful. That would be over soon. He smiled softly at the idea and reached for his clean binder, hidden in his backpack.

A soft gasp broke the silence in the changing room. Jin’s throat closed in a panic and he grabbed his shirt, slamming it over his chest as he looked around wildly. “Who’s there?” He called softly, pulse pounding in his ears. There was a soft rustle and Yoongi stepped from around the lockers, his eyes diverted. He laced his fingers together in front of him, looking sheepish.

“Just me.”

“Were you spying on me?” Jin spat, squeezing his arms even tighter over his chest.

“I wasn’t meaning to.”

“Get out!” Jin’s voice broke. “Don’t mention this to anyone!” He turned his back to Yoongi, struggling to tug the clean binder over his head. His heart was pounding and his nose burned as frightened tears threatened to fall. He was ruined. The group would find out, and then Bang would find out that they knew and they might never debut. It would wreck their lives and it’d be all his fault.

Jin blinked away the tears, fixing the binder. He turned back around, surprised to see Yoongi still there, now looking politely at the floor. “I told you to go away,” Jin croaked.

“Is this your secret, hyung?” Yoongi whispered, looking up carefully. Seeing that Jin was covered, he looked up fully.

Jin remained silent, chewing his inner cheek. He felt his entire face burning, his vision blurring with tears. “Please,” he finally whispered.

“Hyung—”

“Stop it,” Jin muttered, turning to face his locker. He sniffled. “You know I’m not.”

“Not what?” Yoongi stepped forward. “You’re Jin-hyung. You’re the eldest of Bangtan, aren’t you? Shoulders gangster and best cook in the dorm. The big brother.”

Jin broke, whimpering softly at the tears slid down his cheeks. “He won’t let us debut if anyone knows. Please… Forget you saw this.”

Yoongi reached out for Jin. He flinched away instinctively, and Yoongi winced. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

Jin wiped his nose angrily and grabbed his clean shirt, yanking it over his head. He dug around for his jeans.

“What surgery was he talking about?”

Jin hesitated, glancing over at Yoongi. “You were spying.”

“I was worried,” Yoongi admitted. “You looked so scared leaving the room… I told the guys I was gonna see what was going on. I was going to call out to you after but you hurried in here so fast looking like you were scared. I wanted to see what was wrong. I see now—”

“That I’m a fucking girl?” Jin snapped.

Yoongi blinked. “I see that you aren’t shaped like a boy, sure… But that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a girl, right? You’ve gone this whole time as our brother…”

“I’m trans.” Jin mumbled the word as soft as he could, shame coloring his features further. Yoongi nodded.

“I figured. The company knew? When they hired you?”

Jin nodded. “Turn around,” he said. When Yoongi tilted his head in confusion, Jin held up his clean boxers and jeans. “I’m sweaty and gross. Let me change. I won’t run away.”

“Right. I’ll change too.” Yoongi went to his own locker a few feet down, busying himself with digging out clothes. Jin changed out of his sweaty boxers and into his clean clothes as quickly as he could. He was surprised to see Yoongi changing as normal, not bothering to hide his body as he tugged on his clean items.

“Yeah, the company knew,” Jin finally mumbled. Yoongi fixed his jeans and sat down, pulling his sneakers back on.

“That’s what you meant when I asked you to date me. About it being bigger.”

Jin nodded. “Aren’t you glad you dodged that bullet?”

Yoongi looked over, confusion coloring his features. He tilted his head. “Dodged… What bullet?”

“Me. I mean, if you’d kept pursuing me. Finding out I’m…”

“What?” Yoongi rose, approaching Jin slowly. “You think I like you less because you’re trans?”

Jin shrugged. “Probably. You pursued me to date a guy.”

“I pursued you to date you, idiot. If you said this very second you wanted that date I’d make plans for dinner tonight. You really think I’m that shallow?”

“No, I just—” Jin shrugged. “I’m a freak.”

“You’re not a freak. I’m sorry you feel that way… I’m sure we haven’t done a great job of making you feel less like one either.”

“You guys aren’t at fault.”

“You should have felt comfortable telling us the truth. Like we’d have your back.”

Jin shook his head. “It’s in my contract. I can’t tell any of you. We could lose our shot of debut if I did.”

“That’s fucked. This is a vital part of you. Even if we had to hide it from the public, this is you, hyung! Why couldn’t you tell us?”

“Come on. A girl living with six boys? Even if the public didn’t find out, think of how it might seem.”

“But you’re not. You’re just another boy. Who cares if you don’t have a dick?” Yoongi paused. “I mean—You… Don’t?”

Jin shook his head, hanging it. “No. Still girl parts.”

“That was the surgery Bang was talking about?”

“Top surgery. To reform my chest. I can’t debut wearing a binder, fans would notice.”

“And the shirt lifts, yeah… I get it.” Yoongi sighed softly. “I don’t like that they told you to hide something so important from us… But I won’t tell anyone. Not until you’re ready to.” Yoongi reached out and grabbed Jin’s hand. “Then I’ll stand with you when you do.”

Jin closed his eyes, fighting back tears once more – This time ones of relief. “Yoongi—”

“Hey, hyung…” Yoongi smiled when Jin opened his eyes. “Don’t be scared. You’re a part of our group, okay? You’re our eldest. We’ll never let you fall.”

Jin drew in a shaky breath, his face twisting a little as he struggled not to sob. He went forward, hugging Yoongi tightly.

Yoongi gasped and Jin pulled back, embarrassed. He instinctively crossed his arms over his chest. “Sorry. I know that’s… Probably different now. Knowing… Thanks anyway.” Jin turned, shoving his clothes into his backpack. It was his turn to tense when Yoongi snaked his arms around his middle, hugging his back.

“It’s not different. I just wasn’t expecting it. Don’t be different around me just because I know, hyung. That would break my heart.”

Jin turned, still in the circle of Yoongi’s arms. He looked down at him. Yoongi smiled crookedly.

“I wasn’t lying before… I do like you. I just know someone like me has so much baggage… That’s so much to handle.”

“What is?” Yoongi shrugged, still not letting go. “I’ll keep your secret whether you were dating me or not. I might fuck up. I’ve never had a friend who’s trans, so I might make mistakes. And I want you to correct me if I say something insensitive. But it doesn’t change anything. And it’s not too much baggage. So, if that’s the only thing keeping this from becoming something more… Please don’t let it. I’ll be waiting for you if you want me.”

Jin nodded. “I can’t… Not… Not with so much coming up. Please just… Give me a while to think?”

“Always.” Yoongi squeezed his middle. “So, are you really leaving tomorrow?”

Jin nodded. “The travel plans and stuff are what they gave me today.”

“You’ll text me, right? Tell me when you’re going under and how it went?”

“I—”

“What’s the good in having a friend who knows if can’t share? And selfishly…” Yoongi shrugged, letting go of Jin. “I’m scared for you.”

“It’s a pretty simple procedure. And I don’t have a huge chest, so it should be pretty successful.”

“Will you change with us? After? The guys do notice… That you never share showers or change with us like everyone else.”

“Does it bother them? What do they think?” Jin worried.

“They don’t know. We figured maybe you had scars or something ugly, something you’re ashamed of.”

“Well… They’re not wrong, but… Not exactly scars.”

“Still.” Yoongi rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry you’ve gone through this alone this whole time, Jin-hyung. I wish I could have helped.”

“You guys are always helping. You make me feel good about myself.”

Yoongi sat on the bench. “So the company… They knew you were trans right away?”

“Not right away. When they scouted me I was already transitioning and passing. I confessed right away but they liked my look enough to give me a shot. I knew it would be harder and there were stipulations. No coming out, no telling a soul, even my parents are required to have non-disclosure agreements.”

“What about after debut? Won’t kids recognize you from school?”

“Not many. I’ve been wildly fortunate enough to have parents that really supported me, even transitioning. They moved my schools once I changed my name and started my hormones. So almost anyone that knows me knows me as a boy. I never dated and no one ever saw my body. My dead name was fully different. I’m sure if people dug hard enough they could find it, but I’m not worried.”

“You’ve never dated? You’re a virgin?”

Jin shrugged. “What? Did you think my arrogance was real?” He chuckled. “Yeah, I’ve… I mean I’m disgusting. And gay. Who would want to date me? No gay guy in his right mind wants a boy with a vagina.”

“That’s stupid,” Yoongi argued. “Anyone who cares more about that than you as a person isn’t worth your time. They should be dating you for you, not for a dick.”

Jin shrugged. “Either way. I got signed on as a boy, with the agreement to keep silent about what was under my clothes. The company has gone to great lengths to keep it a secret.”

“The surgery…”

“Out of country. I’m flying to Japan for it.”

“I wish I could come with you. You’ll be all alone…” “I’ll be okay.”

“Jin-hyung—” The door opened and the remaining five members poured in, laughing and being generally noisy. Jin smiled and shrugged at Yoongi.

“What the hell was that about?” Namjoon asked as soon as he spotted Jin.

“Nothing serious. I have to leave for a few weeks. Emergency.”

“When are you going?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“But what about practice?” Jungkook worried, peeking over Namjoon’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, I’ll still practice,” Jin teased, shoving Jungkook’s head playfully.

“Good, you need it,” Jimin teased.

Jin glared and threw his sweats at Jimin’s head across the room. “Hey! Be respectful. I feed you.”

Jimin cackled and threw them back at Jin, turning to change. Yoongi rose again, setting a hand on Jin’s lower back. Their gazes met and Jin smiled softly, nodding once. He turned back to Namjoon.

“It shouldn’t be too long. Two weeks, three at most. I’ll keep you updated, and I’m sure the company will too.”

“Okay, sounds good. It’s not too serious, is it?”

“No, not at all,” Jin said, smiling brightly. “Just something that needs to get done before we debut. No time after.”

“Sure. Of course. Let us know when you leave?”

“It’s early, like five. You’ll all still be sleeping, I’m sure.”

“Can I come with you to the airport?” Yoongi asked softly.

“I—” Jin hesitated. “I’d be okay with that, but you have to ask our manager.”

Yoongi nodded. “I’ll do that.”

“Let’s go get dinner, I’m starving,” Taehyung whined. Jimin leaned on him, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“You’re always starving.”

“True. I’m a growing boy!”

“You’re a fluffy boy,” Hoseok joked, poking him in the tummy. Taehyung batted at him, laughing. They gathered up their bags and headed out in a group, loud as the majority talked over one another on the way to their van. Jin hung back, watching his group with a soft smile. Even with his secret, staying quiet, this was his family. He wanted only the best for them. No matter what. Yoongi turned, meeting Jin’s gaze. He smiled broadly at Jin, falling back a little to walk with him.

“We’ve got your back, hyung.”

“Thank you,” Jin whispered. He knew there might be some hurt feelings, and some confusion if he were to come out to the group as a whole, and he was sure not everyone may be immediately okay with a trans member. But the sentiment was there, and that was what mattered to him.

[jesshightown]

It's been a few weeks. Coming to terms with the post mortem results. Dominic seemed to handle the results well enough, although I purposely left out the part about his labour being the main factor. He doesn't need to know that shit and knowing my boy, he would blame himself when in fact it's not his fault. I guess nobody was to blame really.

Yesterday, Leaman and I had another couple's therapy session. Boy did it open up the floodgates I've been keeping closed. I was just voicing my thoughts out loud and that's when she completely stumped me with a question.

I told her that 6 of us were due in June. McKenzie died in March and I was not only waiting for everybody else's baby to be born but also dreading McKenzie's due date. Talk about bloody hard. Anyway, I told Vanessa (our therapist, she's lovely) that every time another baby was born and announced on Facebook, I got jealous.

Now, people who truly know me will know I'm not a jealous, envious or even malicious in any way shape or form and yet I felt jealousy. Then I got even more upset because I voiced it out loud. Jealousy is an ugly characteristic, it poisons the mind, the heart and the soul. But I felt it. And with that, I felt ashamed. I've lost a part of myself that I don't think I'll ever get back and I don't want to turn into this monster, this horrible person. I told her through tears, barely being able to speak, that I was thrilled for every single new parent. Relieved their babies had arrived safely. And that's 100% true, but I did feel that slight jealousy which has sent me into a depression. Not the kind of depression like suicidal thoughts and crying all the time, but a depression that I just don't care anymore. I have all this housework to do and yet I cannot find a single fuck or motivation to get shit done. If I take Dominic to school, I come home and go back to bed until I have to go pick him up. If I decide to stay up, all I do is get lost in the world of a book to escape reality. Weirdly enough, I haven't lost my appetite, its the exact opposite. I'm constantly fucking hungry. Sleep is an issue. I sleep too much or don't go to bed at all.

It's now 4am.

So back to Vanessa. She genuinely asks me "what is grief to you?". I sat there bloody stumped like someone just asked me to work out what the answer is to 429x683. The only answer I could come up with, which was the truth, was that I have NEVER even thought about it. You lose someone. You grief, cry, cry, cry and somehow after a period of time, you don't cry anymore and you carry on with life because that's what happens. The world keeps fucking turning and moves away from that person you lost.

She said that it was OK to feel jealous. It's not, in my book. But hey ho, she said at those times I need extra love, comfort and support and letting people give me what I need. What I need!!!??? Really? Because what I need is my baby back. That's not going to happen so people can't help me.

I don't want to be this miserable bitch constantly talking about McKenzie but this is what my blog is for. Nobody reads it, nobody sees it and nobody can judge me for being so pathetic. A big part of me died when she died and although the world keeps turning and the days turn to weeks and months, a part of my heart and soul died with her. I'm terrified. I am so terrified that when life returns to a new normal and I have to go back to work, I won't be the same person as I was before all this happened. Will I turn into this horrible person and hit the self destruct button?! In some ways, I don't think I will because I care about everybody. Even the people who don't like me, but I've stopped caring about myself and that right there is unpredictable.

I don't drink. Well I don't like to drink because I like to remain in control of what I do and be aware of my surroundings but this unpredictability is what's terrifying because I don't think I'll be able to control, not just how I react, but everything I guess. I'm not a violent person either and I would never intentionally harm someone. Somewhere inside me genuinely thinks that something or someone one day will set me off and I'll end up punishing myself physically. I don't know. Humans are unpredictable. There is obviously so much control we have over ourselves and we've all done shit in the past that we wished we'd handled differently. Maybe because everything is still recent and the grief is still so intense that's why I have this outlook right now. But when is going to be enough?! Enough time has past, get over that shit, life goes on, the sun rises and sets every day, stop wallowing. I thought by closing down my grief and emotions were helping. I think that's what got me into that depressing funk of not giving a shit about myself and not keeping a nice clean home. Yesterday, opened up the floodgates. 10 minutes into a session and boom, it brings back all the feels and more! Perhaps the session did help. Obviously locking all that shit down, which I know isn't healthy, but is necessary has obviously been more damage than actually going through the emotions as you feel them. Since she hit a nail into my chest, it's all come pouring out and the last 36 hours, I can't stop it. It's feeling that pain all over again. God, what a mess. I'm just damaged. I don't want to feel the pain and locking it down and away is what I needed to do. One conversation and it's back full force. My mind, heart, soul are screaming internally at the universe FUCK YOU GIVE ME MY BABY BACK WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH A LIFE SENTENCE!!!!!! But the universe doesn't answer me. So I end this post with one of my favourite quotes.

A person's strength isn't shown by how much they can take before they break. A person's strength is shown by how much they can take after they have been broken. 💜

[party-of-rpg-muses]

Mun Plays Persona 4 Golden

Hahahaha! I did it! I finally finished the game!

Picking up where I left off, I continued the story up until Adachi was confirmed to be the killer, where he fled into the TV World. After giving chase, he fled further into his own dungeon. And for the first time, I did something a little different; I didn’t go in as soon as possible. Instead, I waited a few days to max out Marie and Naoto’s Social Links. It only took a few days and after that, I went into Magatsu Inaba. Well, up until the second floor with the exit being barred. I wandered the floor in a slight confusion until I just so happened come across the hole in the middle that I was supposed to jump through and wound up in Magatsu Mandala. I want to mention that the general feel and aesthetic of the dungeon was rather unnerving. The colors, the police tape, messed up walls and ground, and whatever made up the backdrop. It looked like a city, but also the black and red patterns seen when entering a dungeon in the TV World.

Anyway, when I reached the 4th floor, Adachi proposed a “game”. Reach the end without fighting any Shadows. I actually ignored him, thinking it was just flavor text. But when I fought a Shadow, I got kicked out of the dungeon and had to start over from the beginning of Magatsu Mandala. Eventually, I reached the end and fought the Envious Giant. It was kind of a pain, but I beat it. And instead of walking all the way back, I just used GoHo-M to warp out and enter the dungeon from the beginning at Magatsu Inaba and returned to the 2nd floor, finally reaching the portal and accessing the third floor, where Adachi was.

I kinda stomped Adachi somewhat with Yoshitsune and a powered Hassou Tobi. But I still had to try against him. Right after that was Ameno-sagiri. Again, I used Hassou Tobi, but had to actually try I also found myself using Satan more often (I got Satan just before entering the dungeon). And by the way, I had Kanji, Naoto, and Teddie in the dungeon. Eventually, I managed to win. And to my surprise, after completing the dungeon, time skipped ahead to Christmas (which I spent with Rise, of course). And I spent New Year’s with her as well. And with her grandma out, she proposed spending time at her home, only to tease by wondering if Yu had something on his mind. (Rise: If you’re thinking something naughty, right you hand. *raises her own hand*). But after a while, I turned the game off.

The next day, I spent a bit more time with Dojima, eventually maxing out his Social Link, but was unable to do the same with Nanako, as it took a while to get my Expression to the proper level. I also managed to get everyone’s Third Personas. Eventually, the group went skiing. Naoto is absolutely adorable, seeing her struggle to ski properly. Skipping a little bit further, I got lost with Rise, finding an abandoned shack Actually a toolshed. And while there, a TV turned on. This brought about the Hollow Forest Dungeon

I won’t lie, I wasn’t a big fan of this dungeon. I went with Kanji, Chie, and Yosuke and it somewhat worked out at first, since I quickly figured Physical skills were best, as I could use more while Rise would heal after battles and possibly get Cups during Shuffle Time. It didn’t exactly work out as planned. I eventually encountered the Heaven’s Giant sub-boss and it was a REAL pain to deal with! It’s strong against Physical, but Nullifies everything else. Meaning if I’m not using Physical skills, I have to use items gained across the dungeon to temporarily remove the Null status from a specific element for a few turns. Eventually, I defeated it and moved onward to the end, finding Marie, who reveals her name as Kusumi-no-Okami. The fight against Marie wasn’t too bad, but the fight against Kusumi-no-Okami was something else.

Just like the Heaven’s Giant, it Nullified everything. But unlike the Heaven’s Giant, when I mean “everything”, I mean everything. Even Physical. So I had to use my items to remove its Null for the specific element. It went on for so long (and I didn’t have a lot of them anyway), by the time I finished, I had so very few of them left. If I hadn’t defeated her when I did, I most likely wouldn’t have been able to win.

And with that done, I once again continued the story as normal, up until March 20th. I kinda had to look online to figure out what I was supposed to do for the True Ending, but only very briefly. I continued until I reached Yomotsu Hirasaka and brought in Yosuke, Chie, and Yukiko. At this point, I was quite overleveled. Like, about level 95. Skipping ahead to the end, I reached Izanami and the fight was difficult. Not so much the first phase, but the fight against her true form, Izanami-no-Okami, that was difficult. But through perseverance, strategy, and some luck (and good stats and Rise), I managed to win. At the end, all the Social Links I maxed out (i.e. the Investigation Team, Dojima, and Marie), gave Yu the strength to stand, transform Izanagi into Izanagi-no-Okami, and defeat Izanami with Myriad Truths!

And after that, Yu returned to Inaba after about a year and almost instantly, I noticed Namatame delivering speeches. And at Junes, it wasn’t too hard to notice Yosuke and Teddie, but the real surprise was seeing the rest of the Investigation Team. It took me a while before I noticed that Yosuke changed his hair slightly. Same with Chie. Her hair was hardly different. But the biggest change came from Kanji. Okay, I knew about the change, but didn’t actually see them until just now. Black hair with a different style, wearing glasses, and even completely different clothes. And Naoto looked absolutely radiant and beautiful. She was cute before, but it’s nice seeing a slightly older Naoto. And I do know she grows her hair much longer in the future. And I couldn’t tell if Teddie had any physical changes. But anyway, back home, I also saw Nanako and she was absolutely adorable!!! Weirdly enough, her hair reminded me of my own sister when she was younger. I also got to see Marie working as a weather reporter. And with that, I let the credits roll.

When they were finished, I completely turned the game off and went to the Vita store to buy Persona 3 Portable. Once I bought it, I waited for it to download. Heck, I was typing this while waiting for the game to download.