#and i dont think i will ever stop thinking about them

[corviiids]

i get the lines blur but there IS a big difference between media which doesn't explicitly tell/show you precisely what happens in the end but does point pretty clearly down the intended road vs legitimate open endings where you're supposed to decide what happens completely on your own and multiple interpretations would be supported

[our-queer-experience]

hi! i (cis) have this close friend who i am honestly so in love with. anyway they came out to me as a trans woman the other day and i am so excited for her!! she was happier than i've ever seen her after she told me (im the first friend she's told) and i get emotional just thinking about how it felt to see her so joyful. but here's the part i need advice for. she told me she wants to fully medically transition and especially wants to get vocal chord surgery. i am supportive of everything of course but part of me is so devastated to hear that because her voice is one of my favorite things about her. it's so comforting and was one of the first things i noticed about her and it's so unique and pretty. and now everytime i think about her transitioning i can't stop pre-emptively mourning her voice. how can i get over this so i can fully invest my energy into supporting her transition??

alright so first off!!! you sound like a great friend. when you say you’re in love with her, do you mean romantically? thatd be my only question.

second off, you have to consider your feelings separate from her. things you like about people may change. styles, voices, haircuts, whatever, are all things that change. you can like them while they’re there, but its best to embrace change as something equally beautiful. if you still miss or mourn her voice, keep those feelings to yourself in private. trans people are very vulnerable and insecure a lot of the time and hearing that other people dont like something you do about yourself can be a really deep wound and doesnt always go away. what she does is out of your control and you have to learn to love all the parts of her, that are changing, because that is the person you are going to get for the next forever.

[swaglet]

u guys remember those chaperones that accompanied kids with behavioral issues to school? this is so embarrassing to say but if i had a chaperone like right now for adults i think my life would be 10x better. i think what im imagining is a service dog. i just need someone to touch me on the shoulder and be like "i think you need to do something that is different than what youre doing right now"

like. i know discipline and impulse control are learned skills and i have been trying really hard for years and ive gotten better but i dont think ill ever get to a point where they wont like. severely hinder my life. like. there are no consequences you could give me that will deter me from doing what i want. i will just do whatever and take the consequences no matter what they are and ive always been that way like. its a superpower in its own way because if theres something i want to do then literally nothing is going to stop me i can literally do anything. but its a double edged sword because i will literally do anything and dont give a fuck about what the repercussions are. im just cruising through life literally without a single care in the world. like, i Think i can register what the consequences are if i stop and consider them long enough, but even if i stop and think about them, i still don't care and do whatever i'm going to do anyway. like. how do you even punish someone like that. how do you teach someone like that. how do you improve if you ARE someone like that.

[meek-shall-inherit]

you ever think about how jedidiah also has the consumption/eating themes but in a distinctly different way . his themes are focused on choking down things . jedidiah overall has a lot of the same themes as sydney but in noteably different ways

jedidiah's food/consumption as love themes are about either entirely avoiding it or just choking it down to get it over with , and being sick as a result from either . "no, i dont. i can never eat pork again. i feel sick." he cant handle love because of how lucille raised him. he was raised without love or support and had to live like that for so long that he never learned how to handle it, and he went in the opposite direction than sydney went. instead of begging and pleading for any kind of affection he can get, jedidah leans into nothingness. his view of love is just keeping someone alive, even if you never say you care about them. to him, you could go far enough to completely cut yourself off emotionally from somebody just to keep them safe and thats all that would matter. that youre keeping them alive and safe. he was raised to believe that emotions dont matter. it doesnt matter if youre a fly in a tupperware container slowly dying, as long as you can prolong and delay that process, its okay, right? it doesnt matter if youre starving. "i swallowed the acid id coughed up, and relished how it burnt my throat. id never spit this up again. id let it dissolve me before i let another heart stop. // ill dissolve, okay? ill shatter like glass." he views opening up as just a burden for the other person. he doesnt see why communication could ever be a good thing. all its ever done is hurt people. and he cant handle losing anyone else, god forbid sydney, to his own mistakes. he views his only purpose and the only thing hes good for is keeping other people safe behind the scenes, being a silent preventer, having no needs and no wants. jedidiah's hands are as empty as sydney's.

[gorbo-longstocking]

Feel free to not answer but in dnbts will Alga ever bring up the fact that Geta and Caracalla don't care to remember their actual name?? Not that the story NEEDS more angst but it would be fun I think >:3c

i’ve actually given this some thought, especially with how geta and caracalla view alga’s actual name. ive talked to one of my qpps about it because i thought it was kind of funny.

geta, as of right now, feels sliiiightly bad he doesn’t know alga’s actual name. it’s too late now to ask, and i imagine he’s trying to subtly wheedle their name from other people every so often to no avail. its actually going to be addressed later in the actual fic, so i wont go too in depth. but! when geta finally gets alga’s name he uses it rather sparingly. if alga hears geta calling them by their Actual Name, its time to run, because more often than not, that means hes REALLY mad at them.

caracalla, on the other hand, doesn’t give a fuck. he has no interest in their “foreign” name and they will always be alga to him. 25% because hes a xenophobic roman, 25% because he likes the ownership that comes with “giving” alga their “roman name,” and 50% because he wants them to leave their past behind completely. he (and geta HE GUESSES) is all they need and will ever need. besides, from what hes heard of their home country, particularly their parents, he wants alga to stop thinking about it entirely and move on. theyre happier here as his algacula.

and as for alga themself, sorry for lowkey oc-ifying them, but in the end, they sort of kind of accept alga as their new name. when in rome, do as romans do, they guess. and yeah, its got a derogatory meaning, but honestly, they kind of like it. self deprecating, ever so slightly. they consider alga as a secondary name to their actual name, basically a nickname of sorts. may as well because they know for damn certain theyre not changing caracalla’s mind anytime soon.

so its not a super angsty response on algas front, they lowkey dont give a fuck. like yeah, kind of rude, but ultimately whatever. there WILL be some angst on the geta front, however, but on the caracalla front its just.

alga: this is my name :]

caracalla: dont care, didnt ask! L name, ratio.

[nintendont2502]

got up to MAG 53. so many thoughts already

i love paranoid jon. love him and his stupid fucking supplementals and tapes hidden under the floorboards and the way hes so insanely suspicious of everyone that he thinks his boss is up to something when he (reasonably enough) tells him to stop following people home. incredible. no ones doing it like him. im still fully on team 'jons going to snap and try to kill someone/potentially himself' bc wow hes not doing much to convince me otherwise

MICHAEL !! MICHAEL APPEARANCE!! MICHAEL VOICE REVEAL!! MICHAEL BEING A THREATENING FUCKASS. MICHAEL STABBING PEOPLE

love that guy. what is its fucking DEAL

"i am not a who, archivist. I am a what." incredible

^ ALSO. calling jon "Archivist". i was so fucking right when i said its a far more important title than just a regular job. thats your identity now jonny boy have fun with that

also also. "the loss of this place wouldve unbalanced the struggle too early" cool! great! what the fuck does that mean!!

basira is great. tim thinking her and jon are together has peak me and my also closeted gay friends in highschool energy

jon admitting out loud that he believes a statement is true. ough

why are there so many michaels. michael spiral yaoi hands my beloved. mike crew lookin for leitners. michael salesa who i am endlessly fascinated by. the fuck is he up to

i still dont know how to feel about the institute. i still dont trust it.

cant help but draw connections between leitner's books and the archive's statements,,, someone mentioning that ever since leitners books have been released to the market, rare book dealers keep disappearing or dying (presumably because they own them). a statement giver owning one briefly and clearly being mentally affected (constant vertigo. an almost manic impulse to chase down someone who stole "his" book to get it back). i cant tell if they contain knowledge that outside forces dont want people to know about or if the books themselves dont want people to know whats inside but either way theres clearly something malevolent and harmful going on there.... so how the FUCK can gerard keay and mike crew and jurgen fucking leitner own so many of them and be. alive (because theres no way these freaks are mentally fine). how can LEITNER own that many for YEARS. what th efuck

anyway. the leitner -> tape connection. Archivists are clearly in danger by just reading/recording statements. jon mentions feeling like hes being watched when he just *reads* them. prentiss directly targeted him and the statements in her attack. something out there clearly doesnt want this shit archived and that fascinates me

and. the main thing. the thing i cant stop thinking about

theres,,, categories. very clear very distinct categories that all the statements seem to fall under - and a hell of a lot of those categories seem to have an associated paranormal/otherwordly figure to go along with them? (obviously not all of them so far but im fully expecting more to show up as this progresses) i cant fully figure out what the relationship between the two is (do the figures manifest their respective categories? are the figures created *from* the manifestations of their categories? do they get power from them or do they fuel them? augh). the concrete ones ive managed to figure out so far (with a huge asterisk because im very much aware that theres still 150 episodes left to prove me wrong and i have an insanely limited sample size atm) are:

worms. bugs. potentially rot/decay/meat(??? huge asterisk on this one). obviously prentiss aligned but,,, idk. im honestly leaning more towards the *worms* being the figurehead for this one bc like. jane was a real human person yk. before she got wormed she just... existed normally. in my mind its less jane prentiss as the manifestation of the rot/decay category/fear/whatever and more her just being... a vessel for it, i guess

spirals, hallways, rooms that shouldnt exist. michael yaoi hands

uncanny valley/fake people/people acting unnaturally/wrong. no figurehead so far, but definitely has something to do with circus of the other/whatever the fuck not!sasha is. im not sure whether to categorise statements like the boatswains call (where its real normal people who are just,,, compelled by some outside force to act unnaturally) under this category, but its all i got so far so. shrugs

webs/maybe spiders. feels very archive aligned so far - webs in the tunnels. webs on the tape recorder. webs around gertrudes body. someone describing the archive itself as a web thats captured all of them in MAG 39. feels very much like. the unknown. mysteries. something greater than you that youre trapped within. table that makes you dissociate has a web design. the lighter jon was given from that one statement is described as having a web design. i dont know what to make of that. no figurehead so far

"the vast"? sky too big. sea too big. potentially buildings/rooms too big. insanely linked to ex altoria (or however you spell it. fuck ass leitner book) - the description of the huge creature coming to destroy something that just keeps getting closer and closer and becoming larger and larger until its incomprehensibly huge and *still growing*. that literally manifesting in that one diver statement where she sees the unknowably huge thing (within a section of ocean thats impossibly large and deep when it physically shouldnt be). the sky eating people. anything thats bigger than it should be, almost impossibly so. the lightning figure in MAG 46 (and by extension mike crew) feels incredibly connected to this one (the figure being driven away (??) by ex altoria which is clearly a manifestation/documentation/??? of this particular category) but i cant tell if thats because its the figurehead for it or if its related to something else that hates the vast (like. pokemon type matchup style yk /hj)

darkness. manifests as rooms too dark for any light to get into, lights going out, potentially eyes being clawed out/missing/generally being blind. figurehead feels like it could be that shadow demon thing that robert montauk was killing people to defeat (? somehow) and was later killed by. associations with that cult from the same episode that has the closed eye symbol + the cult that someones girlfriends roommate joined

fire. a lot of fire. a lot of things heating up unnaturally and without any specific cause, a lot of mysterious rituals with scorch marks and burnt animals, that fucking lighter. also a lot of fire destroying other manifestations of other categories/fears which is interesting. im not sure what to make of this one yet. i feel like theres a leitner involved somehow but i cant remember so take that one with a grain of salt

i dont know if this is along the same lines as the rest of these, but. theres something with archives. something watching them. MAG 53 all but confirmed that for me - the alexandria archive having that same feeling of being watched that jon feels (and gertrude, from what i could tell by her reaction). fuck, the soldier outright saying that the feeling in the magnus archives is the same feeling he got in the alexandria archive. im assuming he got that feeling because he was the only living thing in the alexandria archive and tried to read something in there, making him an Archivist by proxy? only explanation i can come up with for why he feels the watching feeling and no other statement giver or institute staff does (unless they do and havent mentioned it). no associations yet (maybe that long fingered one eyed thing in the alexandria archive, but,,,, eh. idk. i get the feeling this thing wouldnt manifest physically), feels very archive specific. feels very Archivist specific. i really want someone who isnt an Archivist to try reading/recording a statement (that isnt their own) to see if they get the same feeling. the watcherr

and then a few loose ones that im not really confident defining as set categories but. theyre something:

theres a lot of tunnels. a weird amount of tunnels. a weird amount of tunnels consistently described as feeling both disturbingly natural and disturbingly manmade. id say this has something to do with robert smirke (since iirc he was definitely linked to the ones under the leitner bulding and *maybe* had something to do with the ones under the magnus institute?) or his apprentice, but - the ones in alexandria.... unless those were made by someone using the same paranormal methods he was. much to think about. if i had to align them under a preexisting category itd probably be michaels but..... idk. it doesnt really seem to fit.

theres something with meat. im tempted to just consider it an offshoot or the rot/bugs/decay/prentiss category but. hm. idk. theres been a few statements that are solely focused on meat. no rot no decay. jon even says something about "its description puts me in the mind of some more... meaty statements" which is. yeah. it implies im on the right track with considering meat as something seperate to rot and decay but. hm. idk

weird mind shit/unreality feels like something? thats definitely been a running theme (vase that gaslights you. guy with the prophetic death dreams) but also < not really much evidence for it so far. feels too vague. temporary placeholder category until i can fully narrow down what the fuck its deal is

finished season one of tma last night ! just gonna dump my thoughts here before i start season two (so i can come back and see how wrong i was lmao)

jon's va is a PHENOMENAL actor, holy shit. like dont get me wrong theyre all amazing, but oh my GOD

speaking of, while im sure the out of universe reasoning for jon putting his entire archivussy into the statements is just bc it makes them more interesting to listen to, i still personally choose to believe that the institute purely hired him for his voice acting skills

theres something.... interesting with jons role that i cant stop thinking about. jane prentiss only referring to him as "archivist". the transcripts (or at least, the ones im using) only referring to him as "archivist". his first impulse being to grab the tape recorder during jane's attack and record the entire thing. the title of archivist is kinda beginning to feel more like... a mask i guess? something that takes over and kinda overshadows your old identity. youre not jon, youre not gertrude - youre just "archivist"

(also something about martin being forced to move into the archives (almost becoming part of the archives) and sasha literally having her identity subsumed and stolen by. whatever the fuck not!sasha is. both of those occurrences only happening because they were acting on behalf of the institute. kinda noticing a trend of identities being lost or stolen or changed because of (and maybe by) the institute, but that could just be a "i connected two dots" "you didnt connect shit" moment yk)

i fully believe the role of archivist is cursed. like one hundred percent. theres something up with that shit and theres no way in hell theyre being paid enough to make up for it

tbf theres no way in hell anyone heres being paid enough to make up for the bullshit they go through. id say they should quit but,,, i dont think they can

except maybe martin. please martin. go live a normal life and write your poetry and stop needing to corkscrew worms out of yourself

"i refuse to become another goddamn mystery" :((

i dont trust the institute. at all. i think at best theyre just a shitty workplace willing to turn a blind eye to some things for the good of their research, and at worst theyre actively hiding something or lying about what they are. theres just been. so many small details that rub me the wrong way yk - the archive team not being allowed to research cases that involve the lukas family in case they pull funding, sasha mentioning research students testing artefacts, the way MAG 37/Burnt Offering starts with jason begging the institute to save his son before acknowledging that theyll never do anything (makes me wonder how many statements they read and dismiss. how many statements they never read. how many people have died because of them?) - and i mean fuck just the general regard for employee health and safety seems to be non existent. also. yk. someone in the building probably murdering gertrude. thats a big thing

worms and rot and decay in the walls and a dead body in the basement. i dont trust them at all

this is definitely just me picking up what the episode was clearly laying out but holy shit gertrudes death feels *wrong*. all this build up, all the signs pointing towards it being something supernatural (the archive being filled with veins (?) in The Dreamers, the ritual site filled with photos of her in Burnt Offering, jane directly threatening the archivist in her statement (which wouldve been gertrude at the time if im not mistaken)) and then its just?? a gun?? and no one finds her body for a year???

that being said the mental image of jane and her merry band of worms sneaking into the archive just to shoot gertrude with a Regular Ass Gun is fucking hilarious

the only episode that really got to me was A Sturdy Lock, and i think that was just bc i got unlucky enough to listen to it on the one night i was home alone. woke up at 4 am, stared at my doorknob for a few minutes and forced myself to go back to sleep

favourite statement is probably a tie between The Dreamers (i love how perfectly it captured the distorted, off, slightly... disturbing vibes i get in my dreams, and as someone who was really vivid really weird dreams - it hit close to home) and Hive (bc holy SHIT jons acting in this was insane. jesus christ. the writing was incredible too holy fuck)

favourite *episode* is Infestation, just bc im a sucker for hearing Jon out of character (for lack of a better term - its fuckin *weird* hearing him emote. i love it) and i love getting more of the other archive staff (especially martin. martin my beloved martin my light more martin forever please and thank you). also jon admitting that he does believe most of the statements and hes fucking terrified of them hits like a truck when youve been making "jon doesnt believe something - take a shot" jokes for the last 38 episodes like i was

jons such a bitch /aff i love him. pathetic wet cat of a man

i fully expect him to try and kill someone next season. potentially himself. hopefully not martin

leitner and your fuck ass books when I Fucking Get You

where is sasha. where is my girl. give her back.

mahtiin :(((

[cecililiess]

it's been years and I'm still completely obsessed with crossmare and they won't leave my head

[casualavocados]

…It's nice. You're so noisy. […] Actually, it'd be better if we died together. That way, neither of us would have to suffer the pain of losing the other, right? Shut up.

KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 13

[cthulhum]

and dean winchester thought he was unlovable and didnt deserve happiness he hated himself and thought eveyone would eventually leave him and then a literal fucking angel fell in love with him. like loved him more than anything else in the world.

[crepegosette]

casual enjoyer of those creatures (deranged)

[findafight]

Robin chose Steve. Robin made the conscious and deliberate decision that she could and would trust Steve. She already liked him! She had fun working and bantering with him! They were already on their way to being weird little bffs and the torture just expedited the process. Steve chose Robin just the same! He thinks she's fun and cool and likes her so much! He chose to be honest and open with her too, putting himself out there.

Even though their interests on the surface level don't match why wouldn't they share them? Steve clearly caves when Robin wants to watch a movie he doesn't think he'll like, Robin can watch a March madness game or five.

Stop trying to take away their bond oh my god people can be close to more than one person!!! Their best friend doesn't have to be dismissive or mean or whatever in order for a romance to be special to them!

[mydairpercabeth]

murder confessions before love confessions

cr: @etoilesdeglace

[sankttealeaf]

its two in the morning and i'm plagued by thoughts of the von zarovich brothers

[funtime29nm]

Sans au human redraws that i wont ever finish but did exclusively for @nu1lst4rs bc i love her

I ramble in the tags btw if u wanna read it

Also theyre all girls now btw and theyre wlw and poly cuz i say so

[xxplastic-cubexx]

it doesnt need to be said but its genuinely so funny how at-the-hip charles and erik are in krakoa like they really had the green light- the OBLIGATION- to be as obnoxiously close to each other as possible and abused that right to the fullest extent

[cowboy-robooty]

im not going to lie i have an illuminati type theory that fanfiction has gotten so fucking bad recently as yet another consequence of the pandemic