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atlabeth · 3 years ago

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everything happens for a reason part one - zuko x fem!reader

I am not your concern

masterlist | part 2

summary: as a servant in the fire nation, you’ve learned that life is often unfair. but as you venture through a tumultuous relationship with a certain prince, you come to learn a very tricky lesson: everything happens for a reason.

a/n: im so excited about this guys you dont even know. i have so much planned and i hope you all love it as much as i do - just for reference, in this first chapter y/n is 9 and zuko is 10

wc: 2.3k

warning(s): mentions of a raid, reader and zuko both being little shits lmao

chapter title comes from not your concern by the hush sound!

Y/N sprawled out on the grass and sighed contentedly as the sun shined down on her and her mother. Today was easier than most as they had been given the day off, an occasion that was rare in the royal palace. She closed her eyes and breathed in the fresh scent aerating their surroundings. Her senses were blessed with a mix of sea salt and fire lilies, an ever present reminder of the two worlds she walked in.

“Y/N,” her mother chided as she glanced down at her daughter from her sewing. “You shouldn’t lay in the grass like that. You know how hard those stains are to get out; I don’t need even more work on my plate.”

“Yes, mother,” she sighed as she sat up with mock exasperation. “I just feel like I should take advantage of this! We spend all day inside, and now that we’re out here you’re worried about things like stained clothes.” Y/N pushed herself to her feet and spread her arms out as she spun in a small circle. “Life is short, and I already spend all of it sewing and healing. Don’t you think I deserve some grass stains?”

“Did you find your way into the poetry books again?” she joked. “Of course I think you should have fun, but you know how things are here. I’m just trying to keep you safe.”

She continued to twirl, the soft breeze a welcome sensation on her skin. “I know, I know, but you don’t need to worry! I can—”

“Dear, watch where you’re going!”

Her mother’s warning didn’t reach her in time, a fact that became known to Y/N as she collided into the boy in front of her. A small gasp escaped her as recognition filled her now wide eyes.

“Prince Zuko!” she exclaimed, nervous hands finding their positions as she bowed. “Please forgive me for the accident, I didn’t realize you were there.”

Y/N had never spoken to the young prince directly — she mainly shadowed her mother while she did her work around the palace or honed her healing abilities under the watchful eye of Rika, their most skilled healer — but she knew enough to understand that she was to never disrespect the royal family in any way.

“Don’t worry,” he said with a small smile, alleviating the tension that had built up in her shoulders. “I’m sorry too, I wasn’t paying attention either. I actually came here for some help.” As she straightened her back, she noticed the bundle of fabric he was holding. “Are you Kura?”

“Oh, no. That’s my mother.” She pointed behind her where her mother greeted the prince with a respectful nod and smile of her own. “Did you come to get something fixed? She’s the best seamstress in all of the Four Nations.”

“My daughter flatters me,” Kura chucked. “What is it that you require, Prince Zuko?”

“She’s right, actually.” He held up the bundle of cloth which Y/N now recognized as one of the many outfits he owned. She didn’t consider herself a jealous person, but the prince’s extensive wardrobe was an exception to that rule. She had one set uniform for her work supplied by the Fire Nation, and a threadbare set for everything else that her mother had bought for her after saving up what little copper they had to spare. Y/N didn’t mind it too much as she was able to practice her sewing whenever the seams broke, but she was sure that her handiwork made up more of the outfit than the original by now.

“I tore one of the sleeves while I was training with Azula,” Zuko expressed with a frown. “I showed it to my mother, and she said that Kura would be able to fix it. I had to go through every single servant to find you, so I really hope you can. ”

Kura set her current project down and took the cloth from the prince, examining it with the skillful eye of a seamstress before meeting his eyes with another smile. “Of course, dear. I should have it ready for you by tomorrow; my daughter will deliver it to your quarters around midday.”

“Do it well,” he demanded. “I can’t focus on my training if my clothes are falling apart.”

“Hey!” she spoke up, scowling as she crossed her arms. It was like every shred of sense Y/N had disappeared the moment he talked down to her mother. “This is our day off, so you should be thankful that my mother is taking time out of her day to do this for you. Be nicer to her.”

“Y/N!” her mother scolded, her tone frantically apologetic as she turned back to the prince. “Please, forgive my daughter. She speaks her mind far too often, she doesn’t mean any disrespect.”

“No, you’re right.” A thoughtful expression found its way onto the young boy’s features, his eyes trained on her own displeasure. “My father always talks that way to the servants and I guess it came off on me. I’m sorry. It’s not nice.”

“Apology accepted,” Y/N said reluctantly.

“Thank you for your help. I’ll make sure to tell all my friends about your work.” The young prince smiled and walked off, though not without a curious second glance at the girl who righted his wrong.

As soon as the prince was out of range, Kura began to berate her daughter. “Y/N, by now you have to understand that under no circumstances may you ever speak to a member of the royal family like that! Do you know what kind of punishment you could’ve gotten if anyone else was around to hear that?”

She sighed and settled back on the ground, plucking a blade of grass from the ground. “I know, mother, but he needs to learn manners, prince or not!”

“That’s not how it works here. Our job is to serve the royal family without question. Sometimes they say mean things, but we can’t do anything about it. Apologies are not yours to demand or accept.”

“That’s not fair,” she mumbled as she wrapped the strand of grass around her finger. “Back home I could say whatever I wanted.”

“I know, honey, I know. But we’re not at home anymore, so the rules there don’t apply. We have to follow the rules that are put in place here. Can you promise that you’ll do that for me?”

“Yes, mother.” It was a phrase that seemed to always be at the tip of her tongue now that constant apologies were littered throughout her days, usually accompanied by a sigh.

“I miss home,” The murmured sentiment was almost too soft for Kura to hear and her heart sank. Her daughter’s gaze was trained on the ground, idle fingers tapping against her legs, and she put a momentary pause to her sewing with a sigh.

“Dear, don’t you have a healing session today with Rika?”

“You know I don’t,” she grumbled. “It’s my day off, which no one seems to remember.”

“Y/N.” Kura’s voice was more firm and she now understood that it wasn’t so much a suggestion as a demand. “I think you should pay Rika a visit.”

She heaved an exasperated sigh and stood up in a far more exaggerated gesture than necessary. “Alright. I’ll see you later tonight, mother.” And as Y/N began her walk back to the palace, a sour feeling brewed in her chest.

Kura watched on, unable to prevent the fear that permeated her thoughts. They were fortunate that the young prince was generous, but along with his mother they might’ve been the only two who shared those views in the royal family. She hated having to constantly admonish her daughter — the girl was too young to constantly live in fear, especially having already been through so much — but in the Fire Nation they couldn’t afford to do anything less. A spitfire girl like her daughter was constantly treading on thin ice, and it was all she could do to keep her safe.

Kura feared the day when she wasn’t there to protect her.

After a short walk that consisted of muttering things to herself and taking her anger out on the pebbles unfortunate enough to be in her path, Y/N found herself back at the palace. She let herself into a side entrance meant only for servants and set on her way to the infirmary when she collided with someone else — an apology was already on the tip of her tongue when she recognized it was Prince Zuko once more. She truly had rotten luck.

Y/N shot quick glances around to ensure that they were alone, then lowered her voice just for extra security. “My mom says I’m not supposed to talk to you like this, but I don’t care. Just because you’re the prince doesn’t mean you can just go around bumping into people!” she whispered angrily.

“But— you were the one who bumped into me the first time!”

She could feel her face heat up from embarrassment and she crossed her arms. “Just— whatever! Do you want something or do you just like popping up in places you're not supposed to be?”

“I guess I just wanted to talk to you,” Zuko shrugged. “I’ve never really seen you around before, and you’re interesting.”

Y/N scrutinized him trying to find out if he was tricking her somehow, but after staring at him for a solid ten seconds she finally caved. “Fine,” she said, already beginning to walk. “But you’d better make it fast. I have to get to a healing session.”

He took a few quick steps to catch up to her and frowned. “I’m the prince. Technically I could order you to stop and you would have to listen.”

“Yeah, well when it’s just the two of us, you’re just another boy. I don’t have time to talk to boys for hours.”

His brows creased for a moment as he thought about it, then ultimately shrugged once more. “Okay. You said you were going to a healing session- does that mean you’re a waterbender?”

She nodded, and Zuko waited for her to explain further. He heaved a sigh, realizing that he was going to have to carry this conversation. “Well.. what’s a waterbender doing in the Fire Nation?”

She fixed him with a puzzled look. “I’m a servant. That’s why I’m here.”

“I know that,” he frowned. “But most of the servants here are from the Fire Nation, and there are hardly any around your age. I’m just trying to get to know you better.”

Y/N sighed heavily — she now knew that the child prince of the Fire Nation had zero sense of boundaries, and if she wanted to get him off her back she had to answer to his satisfaction. “My mother is a waterbender from the Northern Tribe. She left home when she was young to travel the world and help who she could with her healing, and eventually she fell in love with an earthbender. That was my father — they ended up marrying and settling down in his village where they had me a few years later. Last month, my village was raided by the Fire Nation, and my mother and I were captured after they discovered we were waterbenders. And now I’m here, being annoyed by a prince.”

Zuko frowned once more — it seemed if he continued hanging out with this girl the expression would be stuck permanently on his face — and he suddenly felt ashamed for pushing. “I’m really sorry,” he muttered. “I had no idea.”

She heaved another sigh and shook her head. “Yeah, well they probably keep a lot of the bad things they do from you. It’s easier to send raids to destroy families when your children don’t know.”

“What happened to your father?” he questioned.

Y/N’s body stiffened, and she had never been more thankful to see the infirmary door. “Save your questions for next time,” she grumbled.

Zuko’s eyes lit up, her earlier stumble going unnoticed, and a small smile found its way across his lips. “There’s gonna be a next time?”

She managed to cover up her own growing smile with an ambivalent shrug. “As long as you don’t bump into me again.” Y/N opened the door and gave him a polite parting nod before disappearing inside.

“Good afternoon, Master Rika,” she said with a small bow. “I know this is unexpected, but my mother insisted that I come here to—”

“Let me guess,” the older woman interrupted with a raised brow. “Kura got tired of you and sent you here to annoy me instead?”

Y/N chuckled and rolled her eyes good-naturedly as she pushed the sleeves of her tunic up to her elbows. “When have I ever annoyed you?”

“That’s a question you don’t want me to answer,” she joked as she rummaged through the closet to get supplies. “Besides, what was that smile for? Meet a boy on your day off? A girl?”

Her eyes widened momentarily and she felt the heat rush to her cheeks intensely. “I don’t ask you about your life while we heal, you shouldn’t ask about mine!”

Zuko, who had been eavesdropping by the door in an extremely un-covert fashion, felt an even bigger smile. The girl was prickly as a cactus, but he found himself strangely drawn to her — not in spite of it, but because of it. He was so used to anyone he talked to outside of his immediate family and friends bending at the knee to fulfill his every will, and it was exhausting at times. But this girl — Y/N, as he had learned — was the complete opposite.

He started to walk away, sure that he was late for some kind of session of his own. Zuko found himself thinking of the glimpse of a smile he got, already finding himself scheming up ways to make it return.

And despite her request, he was almost certain he would try to bump into her again.

#zuko x reader #zuko x you #zuko fic #zuko #avatar the last airbender #avatar #atla #a:tla #avatar fic #atla fic #self insert #reader insert #avatar x reader #sadie writes

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izukult · 4 years ago

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sorry i can’t have you? one up me? so this playlist isn’t part of the matchups i’m sorry😞🤝

here you go IDIOT CHILD ( @rat-bastar ) being your friend is so hard 😁

choke - i don’t know how but they found me

ok absolutely your vibes. if you got the chance you would bitch slap me, we both know it. you big ol bully. this is the vibey pop ish version of a villain song and it’s such a hype song in my opinion idk

love me dead - ludo

we’ve established its a good song ok🤝. idk lmao play this while you’re thinking ab your friend OR her ex gf ;) as of my knowledge those the mfs you simp for or whateva LMAO

lemons (demo)

please. PLEASE THIS ONE IS SO OBVIOUS. you vibes. absolute you vibes. you @ me. you @ everyone. you play this on full volume while you try to convince yourself you hate everyone. you play this while judging every violin player ever. you play this glaring at maliek or whagever his name is. this song is you

piano man - billy joel

i saw this on one of your playlists lol BUT i feel like this is something you would blare on the bus or on your way to a fucking debate tournament you fucking loser

hesitation - hot flash heat wave

such a good song. this also feels like something you would listen to while you think ab other people. i dunno it’s got that sweet, sweet ‘condescending to hide real emotions’ energy and it’s vibey and it’s kinda sad yea

waltz #2 (xo) - elliott smith

don’t even get me started on how big of an elliott smith can i was. you def give him vibes but i mean that as a compliment?? i can imagine you with ur head down hands in ur pockets being all bummed out and angry walking up the hill to ur house idk that’s very niche oddly specific? i never really realized this song had BIG BIG BIG you vibes until i started typing this but i’m listening to the lyrics and it’s like describing you go off ig

everyone hates his parents - falsettos

i know you love falsettos and we both know we love to shit talk our parents so. it just seems to make sense. ALSO i feel like we would argue like marvin and trina or marvin and whizzer or marvin and anyone LOL

colorful penguins - we shore is dedicated

ok i know iM the one working, but this song please. listen to it. listen to the music. to the tone of voice. to the certain old tavern rustic vibe. that’s you. i cant rly describe it but the vibe of this song is your vibe

beachboy - mccafferty

well we have the shared mother’s name in the beginning there and that’s fun for me. also we know that i be smoking and yada yada and i know your friends do too and i feel like this song is just you dealing w ur friends dummy habits and angry fast sing

hannah - swmrs

something about this song just feels like a convo we’d have?? like in my head i can tell what you would say and what i would say IDK LMAO maybe that’s just me but it’s also a good song

problems - mother mother

this song. LMAOOOO. the way you constantly BULLY me i feel like this song is how you present urself to other ppl v some deep shit like how you feel ab urself idk i’m not ur therapist ur apparently mine w how much you be psychoanalyzing me🤨. ALSO you’d scream this dont argue w me

i love you like an alcoholic - the taxpayers

multiple things here. again those crusty cobblestone streets at night after it rains where someone’s getting murdered in an alleyway vibes that you give. and i feel like if u were ever like <3 at someone, this is how you’d feel idc bitch

seashore - the regrettes

i love this band sm pls i want to kiss her. ANYWAY feels again like a you @ the world song. you just feel like someone who would shove someone in a trash can if they said one wrong word about you & i rly appreciate it

gooey - glass animals

this song feels like something that would be on a playlist with “i know this:” and i thought you’d like those vibes. sorry for the peanut butter reference

chicago - flipturn

you feel like someone who would let me play flipturn and pretend to hate it cos you pretend to hate everything i do but actually vibe w it so

everybody loves raymond (except for me) - mookamay

this is the girl i was tellin u ab who wrote the songs ab me YEA THIS IS ONE OF THE SONGS AB ME SO I FIGURED YOU WOULD APPRECIATE A SONG THAT WAS KIND OF A SLIGHT TO ME SO LMAO I PUT IT ON THERE. basically this is a song ab someone literally getting tired of ME so yknow felt fitting 😁‼️ (this one is mostly a joke and i will probably take it off the playlist but it still stands)

power over me - dermot kennedy

you seem like someone who would listen to dermot kennedy which is fair bc i used to scream this shit in the shower i would just have a lil concert and you give me the same vibe this one isn’t that deep

ghost duet - louie zong

lol some serotonin. just this playin in the background while u game

iris - the goo goo dolls

just a rly good song. just a rly good song that fits ur vibe. also if u were ever in love i also stand by saying you would listen to this & think ab them

dream sweet in sea major - miracle musical

if you were ever listen to “soft music🥺✊” this would be your version of it

bs - still woozy

I TOLD U TO LISTEN TO THIS AND I DONT THINK YOU DID YOU BITCH SO NOW I WILL FORCE YOU. also i have brown eyes so basically this is everyone including u @ me it’s ok ur human u can’t be blamed for acknowledging my charm ;) 😁🤝

paper thin hotel - matt maltese

you just seem like someone who would listen to him during a depressive episode

troubled mind - cannibal kids

cant find the right words for this one but like gives me you trying to be there for someone and coming off as apathetic and someone not knowing how to be a proper friend to you and yall just space vibes yknow what i mean?? Idk

bloom (bonus track) - the paper kites

if you and a girl (strictly a girl idc that this was written by a dude no fucking guy gets this song) were in love. like in any way. romantic love, platonic love, competitive love idgaf i just feel like THIS has the vibe for u

kill the director - the wombats

i don’t care THIS IS YOU IN LOVE. I THINK YOUD HATE HAVING REAL FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE. YOUD DEF BE THE PERSON TO IGNORE IT AND YOU BULLY THEM JUST A L I L EXTRA AND YOU DO LIL THINGS THAT SHOW U LIKE EM LIKE IF YOU RLY PAY ATTENTION YOU CAN PICK IT UP but no way you’re gonna express that shit LMAO

i got the blues - big bill broonzy

i dunno this ones just a banger

dirty imbecile - the happy first

this is you having a breakdown. that’s all! thanks queen!

under my skin - jukebox the ghost

very similar to lemons but also different?? you getting pissed at everyone but having a select couple ppl you cherish 👍

song for me - greer

where do i START? you not properly voicing emotions ? preppy pessimism ? dissociation ? vibing ? teen angst ? good vibes ? in love w ideas ?

my explanations aren’t as good as urs but also i’m cool so 👍 ur welcome you’ve been blessed by a personalized playlist from ME 🙄🙌 not from no bitchass capitalist anime character 😐

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thegurlbehindthesmile · 4 years ago

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I could write a thousand pages about that day.

I think what hit me so profoundly was the thought of having so much meaning after death.

I think of death like I think if most things. A thing. A thing that happens to everything. A process that we go through that teaches us the fragility of being human. As the species we are we have this, deadline if you will. An expiration. It is inevitable. Non the less death has never been something I've been afraid of or even wondered about. I knew what death was. (Or so I thought)

I was raised in a very religious house hold. That's to say we believed in the Catholic Church and their views and teachings. I went to a few private schools where religion was simply another class; just like English or math. I was taught the bible inside and out and told how to follow its every, commandment. The does and dont's of life. Heaven and hell. Dying.

Very young your committed to this structure that when you die you will either go to heaven or hell. If youre a good person and you follow the rules you will go to heaven. Period. The rules are lengthy. You must be diligent and you must not stray. But youre a shoe in for heaven hands down.

At a young age I wasn't scared of death. Heaven was a place all our loved ones went if they too followed the way. The Bible describes it as such a beautiful place you couldn't even imagine. Doesn't sound to bad to me. Sure one day what we do die from might hurt but what a small price to pay to then be in heaven forever.

Quickly i was tossed between different religions. Something I really didn't even know existed "other" ways of believing in the same God. I had relocated schools and instead of continue my catholic teachings (I asked my mother for a change, I was searching for something ) she found a Christian type school. Baptist I believe.

These people told me. Yes you have to do good BUT all you really have to do is be true to your self and ask God into your heart and you'll be free. You'll be able to go to heaven because you proclaimed your rebirthing. You are reborn again. From that day on you dedicate your ways to the way they praise and follow God and your guaranteed heaven. This was much looser of teaching. I felt more comfortable. You were able to approach God just by yourself. Just you and him. If you thought you had sinned you took it to heart and spoke deep within to your Holy Spirit. Prior to this your sins needed to be declaimed out loud to priests. Not straight to God himself. Only those of higher teaching and blessings could really hear and know what God insisted. It was scary and very aggressive. I felt horrible and dirty telling my sins to some old guy. Who then wronged my rights sent me off with some dos and donts and then I was back on pace for heaven.

Death seemed even more closer. More mini. It was something I could simply ask God about myself. In my own sanctuary. The pace was different -even the walk. Death-dying it was just phase two of the metamorphosis called life.

This walk lead me to a church in my home town that was Methodist. By this time I had learned a lot about a lot. Their were so many different religions. Different things that kinda all meant the same thing. I knew there was something higher then me. Something existed that created everything. And I wanted to know more and more about it.

Somewhere along my walk to enlightenment I fell short. I second guessed it all. Everything. I was mad at the choices I had made. I was mad at the world I had created for myself. I was smarter and stronger then the person I was and I was made at myself and the world.

I lost the taste to thrive. I didn't care anymore. I'm not sure I had lost hope or just my sanity. I just felt like I knew better and just didn't have the energy to fix it. Like I wasn't happy with anything. My life was on auto pilot and I was in the passenger seat screaming at my self. *trigger warning*

I began to hurt myself as a way of feeling. This new world was heavy and numb and loud. At times the world felt so heavy I could drown, I could feel the IT grabbing and clawing at my feet. And I could feel the last bit of air in my lungs struggling to figure out how to free myself. Cut yourself free i swore it said. It was the only free. In my moments of weakness the IT would win. I swear it was like it's the only time I stopped screaming. I'd cut and the buzzing and humming would stop and I swore I saw clarity. I felt better. I felt as if I let just enough of the IT out to feel, okay ish. To just feel better about being in auto pilot. Yup still auto pilot. I felt like I could breathe a little. The months dragged on like a bad scene in a movie The more I let myself watch. The more sad I became. The easier I gave up and it just sat on repeat for awhile.

I wasn't thinking about death. I thought to myself "ha. Death would be easier" but it wasn't what I was looking for. I was caught in a game of cat and mouse but I liked it I was searching for something.

One day I just snapped. I didn't want to play the game anymore. But IT was ready for the battle. As I wrestled with what little soul I had left. I prayed. I prayed harder then I ever had in my life. I said... I will fight and I will win but you have to make it worth it. Please tell me there is more to life than this. Because if there isn't, I'm done playing, I'm really done playing. I was so tired. So exhausted. Crying. I remember fighting myself not to do anything but lay still. Very very still. And I prayed. I clutched every bit of myself, I held tight to my soul. Stiff as a board. And prayed.

then I woke up, in all sense of the words. ( I eventually; fell asleep........) I swear The world was different. I felt different. I couldn't tell you what happened that night. But I woke up in the driver seat.

I was 18 then, I'm 30 now.

I have this know how, that I'll live till a ripe old age. Old enough to enjoy and learn many more lessons. I figured once I was done learning, sharing, giving. It would be my time for heaven. I figured the only people I'd really leave a mark on would be my family most of all. My legacy would be them and all they would borrow from my teachings.

Random strangers prepared themselves for their future careers. Some surgeons- doctors- etc etc. all ranges of medical fields. They needed one thing in their breathing life to succeed. A life that wasn't breathing to teach them how to learn what they needed to learn.

I was brought up to think cremation or coffin. But never donation.

Gifford gave and gave till the end. Truly. He always new that was his path, he knew that when this chapter was over his body would continue on to greater things beyond him- he assured it. These strangers will forever and always remember the moment they began working on their first real body. They bank their career on it I imagine. This moment catapults them into the rest of their lives. The jump. Their gratitude towards Pop was unbelievably beautiful. And they hadn't even met him. We had met him We had loved him. We were loved by him. He catapulted us to be the people we are today. How crazy and amazing that his purpose was so clear while he lived. He simply enjoyed living. How surreal that his purpose will continue to live within each of those students as they venture into the world. Like pieces of a dandelion drifting through space forever. Pop is infinite.

I've now learned to use the higher powers to help me control the IT. I still don't fear death, nor wonder about it. One day I'll die and join those I love.

I hope I can be a space dandelion too. Miss ya Pop,

Thank you Golden Bear Over and Out

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moonwaif · 6 years ago

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Snow Over Insomnia: ch. 1

Pairings: Gladnis, promptis

Theme: snowed in

Summary:

Once a year, Shiva blesses Insomnia with snowfall. This year's snow day finds four friends in transition. There's Noctis, who's trying his best to enjoy freshman year. With his best friend Prompto enrolled at a different college, it hasn't been easy. When a particularly controversial lecture puts Noctis on the spot, he says some things he regrets. Can he make amends before their friendship freezes over?

Meanwhile, there's Gladiolus, who's finding it increasingly difficult to deny his feelings for coworker and friend Ignis Scientia. The appearance of a mysterious figure from Ignis's past might just be the sign that it's time to come clean. Will Gladio make a move, or will he let the opportunity melt away?

PT. I: 10:12 hours

It was a good thing Noctis had remembered to mute his laptop before class started, because he received his first message from Prompto just twelve minutes into the lecture.

Prompto: brrrr! Freezing my a$$ off this morning

A selfie instantly followed: Prompto in a warm jacket and white beanie, grimacing up at the camera with a steaming coffee cup clutched in his gloved hand.

Noctis: heh. nice pic. whatcha drinking?

Prompto: mocha moogle latte. Yummm ;P

Noctis: all that sugar is gonna give you a headache

Prompto: hahaha yeah, probably. but i need some caffeine. i couldnt sleep all night thinking about that presentation!!!! ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡

Prompto: so we still getting snowed in tonight?

Noct's smile widened. It wasn’t often that Shiva graced the arid landscape of Lucis with her affections, but at least once a year, snow fell on the city of Insomnia. Sometimes it was a few flakes, sometime just sleet. On rare occasions, such as the one predicted by Insomnian weather channels on this particular day, it was a blizzard.

Noctis: heck yeah! hope you're ready to binge some King’s Knight.

Prompto: ugh am i ever. so ready to chill after getting this presentation out of the way…

Noctis leaned back in his chair, brow furrowing. He cast a quick glance at projector screen down at the front of the hall: a slide about the Lucian civil war.

Noctis: y? U nervous?’

Prompto: yeah

Prompto: stomach hurts

Prompto: p sure im gonna throw up

Noctis: relax, prom

Noctis: you've been practicing a lot, right?

Noctis: you're gonna be great

Prompto: dude you have no idea what id give to hear you say that rn

Prompto: i wish we still went to the same school

Prompto: ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡

A dull, tight ache formed in the center of Noct's chest. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, the reply coming slower this time.

Noctis: me too.

Prompto: yeah...

Prompto: too bad my best friend has to go to a fancy schmancy ivy league school for geniuses (¬‿¬)

Noctis rolled his eyes.

Noctis: im not here cuz im a genius, prom

Prompto: his majesty is sooooo modest ;)

Noctis: srlsy

Noctis: im like most of the ppl here. average.

Noctis: the only genius ive met so far is specs

Prompto: lol youre just saying that to make me feel better

Noctis: nah. youre way cooler than like half of the people here

Prompto: ♥‿♥

Prompto: too bad i cant afford the tuition lol. id kill to have iggy as my teacher

Noctis glanced up from his computer. From his own seat in the center of the hall, Ignis was just a small figure behind an even smaller podium. Still, Noctis had to admit that Specs was definitely in his element at the front of a classroom. His fitted grey sweater, crisp collar and perfectly coiffed hair were every bit the image of the up-and-coming academian. The freshmen in the front row hung dreamily on every elegant gesture of his gloved hands as his voice rang out through the hall, crisp and clear as water. He said something that sent a murmur of laughter through the rows of desks. Noctis smiled.

Noctis: yeah its not bad

Prompto: duh!! hes probably way cooler than all of my professors combined

Prompto: anyway, g2g. Gonna try to run through my presentation one more time before class starts

Prompto: (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

Noctis: dont worry prom. Youre gonna kick this presentation in the ass.

Prompto: thanks dude

Prompto: catch ya later

Noctis let his gaze linger on the final message, Iggy’s melodic tones lilting in the background. He tuned in long enough just to get the gist of the topic (ugh - still on the Lucian civil war). He turned his attention back to his laptop and clicked on an open tab, which took him directly to Prompto’s ChocoGram feed. There weren’t any new updates, but that didn’t stop him from smiling as he reviewed some of the earlier posts: Prompto getting ready to dig into a steaming, greasy pizza; a #tbt selfie featuring the baby chocobo they’d helped rescue during their summer road trip to Lestallum; a prank-selfie with a drooling, sleeping Gladio. Noctis chuckled. He’d been there when Prompto had taken that one. Even Gladio had agreed that the shot was just too good not to share.

He continued scrolling. A bunch of people Noctis didn't know, probably at a party; a filtered, black-and-white shot of a glistening, neon lit alley; a selfie with some guy Noctis had never seen before; a picture of the school’s mascot, tagged #gocactuars; Prompto wearing glasses…

Wait a second.

Noctis scrolled back to the photo of Prompto and the stranger. “Hanging with the coolest TA around,” read the caption. Tagged: #whenyourfriendhasthesamemajor, #collegelife #insomniaboys.

Friend, huh?

Noct’s eyes narrowed. He silently listed off any names he’d heard Prompto mention over the past semester as he analyzed the man’s features: platinum hair; a strong chin; sharp, intelligent eyes whose color he couldn’t quite discern through the ChocoGram filter. He let the cursor hover over the smug, obnoxious grin. A tagged username appeared: “Ghiranzenator.”

Before Noctis could really stop to self-reflect, he was scrolling through Ghiranzenator’s feed. It was the kind of content you’d expect from a twenty-something with a pompadour and generic good looks. Gym selfies tagged #fitnesslifestyle; poses in scenic, well-known locations captioned with thought-provoking yet totally irrelevant quotes (ugh, so pretentious). He wondered how Prompto even knew this guy. Was he the TA for one of Prompto’s classes? Did they have mutual friends? If so, why hadn’t Prompto mentioned him before? But now that Noctis thought about it, like really thought about it, he hadn’t really heard Prompto say a whole lot about any of the new friends he was making at school.

Wasn't that kind of weird?

A crumpled wad of paper plummeted through his thoughts, ricocheting off his forehead. Noct's head snapped in the direction it had come from. His eyes were met by a vision of Gladio, squeezed into a desk barely large enough to accommodate his lanky frame.

“Pay. Attention,” he mouthed, cocking his head in Iggy’s direction.

Noctis scowled. That was the one downside of having his bodyguard disguised as a classmate. Gladio was just all too ready to make sure Noct behaved like a good little student. The plus side was that Noct had at least one friend who could commiserate with his suffering.

Like now, for instance. A fan club member from the front row was monologuing, earning exasperated looks from his classmates. Noctis and Gladio exchanged a few muffled snickers.

“Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, Cleetus,” Ignis cut in, his voice laced with a strain so barely audible that Noct and Gladio were probably the only ones who even picked up on it. “As you have noted for us, it is quite interesting that most rebel demands would be considered centrist by modern standards. However, we should recognize one deconstructionist philosopher whose theories remain polarizing even to this day.”

Ignis went to the next slide. A portrait of a wide-jawed man with a face only a mother garula could love brooded down from the display screen.

“Oh great,” Noctis muttered, drawing a confused look from Gladio. “Not this guy…”

"Regulus Invicta," Ignis continued, "is remembered as one of the strongest advocates for freedom of speech throughout the history of Lucis. However, what is less commonly remembered are his persistent demands for the de-establishment of the monarchy in favor of what we would now refer to as a democratic socialist republic. Even during the Lucian civil war, Invicta was a controversial figure. At first his philosophies were embraced by the deconstructionists, who sought to overthrow the Lucis Caelums in favor of a fragmented nation-states ruled by regional noblemen. They were less in favor of his leanings toward a democratic socialist republic. Despite this difference of opinion, Invicta was one of the few intellectuals of his time that insisted on the right of deconstructionists to espouse their ideals without punishment or censorship. Unfortunately, this insistence, combined with his involvement with radical circles, led to his eventual imprisonment. He would die of consumption shortly thereafter.”

A hand shot up - the same wind-bag from before.

“Yes, Cleetus?” Ignis’s smile was tight.

“Professor Scientia, as you were speaking I couldn’t help but remember an essay I came across in the Lucian History Journal the other day. The article was about the evolution of Lucian collective memory of the civil war.”

Gladio chuckled. “Oh boy. Here he goes again. This guy really can’t stop himself, can he?”

Noctis wasn’t laughing. He wanted Ignis to get back on topic and finish explaining why Invicta and the deconstructionists were wrong.

“According to the arguments propounded throughout the essay” - Gladio actually snorted at this point - “collective opinion regarding Invicta and the deconstructionists split after Lucis became a constitutional monarchy. Invicta was distanced from the deconstructionists and by means of propaganda -”

Bells went off in Noct’s head. Propaganda? What was this guy trying to get at?

“ - and state sanctioned school curriculum -”

Noctis gripped the arms of his desk, knuckles whitening.

“ - Invicta gradually became celebrated as one of the fathers of free speech. Meanwhile, his links to deconstructionists were covered up, preventing further instability to Lucian society while conveniently appropriating the parts that aligned with contemporary values.”

He paused for a breath. Ignis stepped out from behind the podium, quick to seize back control of the conversation.

“Your statements indicate a very post-modern interpretation of the historical records, Cleetus,” he remarked politely. “It’s interesting that you bring up social instability. Although not as commonly espoused today, there are ideologues who from time to time self-identify as deconstructionists. However, they are often ridiculed by both leftists and conservatives, rarely gaining any political legitimacy. In this way, the general public remains largely unexposed to contemporary deconstructionism outside of the occasional satirical representation on late night TV shows or the funnies.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

There was a rustle as heads turned in Noct's direction. Ignis adjusted his glasses.

“Is there something you would like to share, Prince Noctis?”

Shit. Gladio slid down low in his seat, muttering something that sounded a lot like, “Smooth move, Noct.”

Noctis cleared his throat. His cheeks felt like two flames. “N- not particularly.”

“Very well.” Ignis returned his attention to the slides. Noctis averted his eyes, only to be met by the expectant gazes coming his way from the next row down. His gaze happened to fall on Cleetus, he shot him a particularly snide smirk from over his shoulder.

Something in Noctis snapped.

“It’s just that, you said ‘satirical.’”

Ignis stopped mid-sentence. Scandalized whispers rippled throughout the hall. Gladio was actually facepalming. Meanwhile, Noctis’s cheeks somehow managed to get even hotter. He felt the need to continue.

“I just thought - well, it sounds like you think those depictions are kind of inaccurate, or something.”

Gods, he was sounding extremely upset and defensive right now, wasn’t he? What had happened to all that training in diplomacy and public speaking? Embarrassing.

“Satire is merely a genre, your highness," Ignis demured. "One that hyperbolizes a real-life topic or theme with intent to criticize, ridicule or expose. We may identify this genre from a neutral standpoint without either validating or condemning the arguments contained within the work itself.”

Noctis schooled his expression so it’d look like he’d understood this last bit.

“But you said the satirical representation is the only representation people see. Doesn’t that imply that there’s another representation that most people don’t get to see?”

“There normally is more than one side to every story,” Ignis said lightly, and his lips curved in such a smug, handsome grin that Noctis could have chucked his laptop at him.

“Yeah, but sometimes one side has better evidence than the other one. Shouldn’t that also be part of the discussion?”

He was pressuring Ignis to agree with him, to say that the deconstructionists were “wrong” and the monarchy was “right” and therefore Noctis was right, too. That the deconstructionists were just radical, terrorist nutjobs whose hogwash theories did more harm than good, so why even bother discussing them at all? Noctis knew it. Gladio knew it. Most of all, Ignis probably knew it.

So why were they still disagreeing?

“Indeed. However, the objective of today’s lecture is merely to review the deconstructionism as an historical movement. I will leave the evaluation of the ideas espoused by said movement to all of you in your term papers.”

A smattering of chuckles. Oh yes, how adorable, how clever. Noctis opened his mouth to let loose another retort when Gladio nudged his foot.

"Let it go," he mouthed with a slight shake of his head. Noctis grit his teeth with an audible “tch,” nails biting into the surface of his palms. He deliberately avoided Gladio’s gaze, instead fixing his attention on his laptop. The Ghiranzenator taunted him from the other side of the screen, all chiseled jawline and knowing smile.

Noctis closed the laptop with a ‘snap.’

PT. II: 13:00 hours

“I was too hard on him, wasn’t I?”

The words were out of Ignis’s mouth before Gladio had even stepped through the door. The office was tiny - more like a closet, really. Gladio tossed a small paper bag onto the desk and pulled up a seat, careful not to spill the coffee in his other hand.

“What’s this?” Ignis asked, peering owlishly from behind his computer. Gladio handed over the coffee.

“Thought you could use a pick-me up," he replied. "And nah; Noct is tough. He gets worse from me during an average training session.”

“You’re just saying that,” Ignis mumbled, raising the cup to his lips and taking a sip. “Mmm, Gladio, this is delicious. Thank you.”

Gladio crossed his legs, leaning back with a pleased smile. “Heh. Thought you’d like that. And no, I’m not just saying that. Noct is pissed off, but he’ll live. Try some of the scone.”

Ignis reached into the paper bag obediently. “I should have waited until after class,” he muttered. “Or warned him about the topic before hand.”

“Yeah, that probably would’ve helped.”

“I just don’t want to allow him more special privileges than I already have! How am I supposed to prepare him for his future responsibilities if I keep treating him differently from the other students? Can you imagine, just last night he actually asked me to check his homework!”

“Did you?”

“What do you think?” Ignis snapped. “We live together for Eos’s sake, of course I did!"

“Yikes. How’s the scone?”

Ignis scowled. “You really must stop bringing me sugar. This is why my skin is breaking out.”

“One bite won’t hurt, prince charming.”

Ignis broke a off a tiny piece and popped it into his mouth, but not before shooting Gladio a glare.

“Relax, Iggy. Just give Noct a little time to cool down, think things through. He’ll come around.”

Ignis gave him a doubtful look. He took another bite.

“At least this scone is palatable.”

Gladio flashed him a cheeky smile. “Does that mean you’ll raise my grade professor?”

“I’ll consider it. After all, for an auditing student you do have unusually consistent attendance.”

“Someone’s gotta show up and keep the crown prince in line. Who better than his protector and professional babysitter, the royal shield?”

“Pity you have to sit through my lectures. I imagine it’s dull.”

“Nah. You’re way more interesting than the profs I had during my undergrad.”

‘A lot easier on the eyes, too,’ he thought. His gaze lingered on Ignis’s full, rosy lips before silently flickering away.

“There’s no need for flattery, Gladio. It’s not like I can actually give you credit for the course.”

“Sorry. Guess your little front row fan club is wearing off on me.”

Ignis reddened. He took a hurried sip of coffee, obviously stalling. Gladio grinned, letting himself indulge in the rare sight of a flustered Ignis.

“If the students show enthusiasm,” Ignis began, once he’d finished composing himself, “it is merely due to the engaging nature of the subject.”

“Oh, right. Lucian history makes me blush and squeal, too.”

“Did you come here for the sole purpose of force feeding me scones and distracting me from my work?”

“Why, is it working? Just kidding,” he added quickly at the stern look he received. “Actually, I thought we should touch base on our lovely royal charge’s training schedule over the Solstice. Iris has been bugging me about plans. She wants to invite the entire Amicitia clan over for a get-together.”

“Let me pull up my calendar.” Ignis swiveled in his chair, facing the computer monitor. Gladio contemplated his profile, thrown into sharp relief by the glow of the LED back-light. A million potential lines ran through his head. ‘It should be illegal to be so gorgeous.’ ‘You ever seen an angel up close? Because those cheekbones are high enough to graze the heavens.’

“Got any plans for the Solstice, Iggy?”

“I’m hoping to finish drafting my thesis proposal,” Ignis answered, with a light click of the mouse. “I’d also like to try my hand at a leiden sweet potato casserole. See if I can get Prince Noctis to eat something other than meat for a change.”

Gladio snickered. “Good luck with that last one. By the way, what’s your thesis about again? Food politics - “

“ - with Duscae as a case study for increased multifunctionality in agricultural policy making, yes.” Ignis spared him a brief glance, eyes crinkled with amusement. “I’m impressed you remember.”

‘Course I do,’ Gladio thought dismally. ‘I’ve Moogle searched every article you’ve ever published.’

Fortunately, he was spared the need to reply. One more click of the mouse, and Ignis was tilting the monitor in his direction.

“There we are. So, which dates does Iris have in mind?”

“She’s really got her eyes set on the day of the Solstice, as well the day right before and after. She needs me to help cook, put out decorations…”

‘Basically all the stuff we used to do when mom was around,’ he thought.

“I see. Why don’t I just make a note on my calendar for now? We can continue meeting as planned for the next two weeks. When it comes time, we'll evaluate how Noct is doing. Perhaps it won’t even be necessary for us to meet over the week of the Solstice.”

“Thanks Iggy. I appreciate it.”

“Certainly. It’s imperative that you spend quality time with your family over the holidays, uninterrupted.”

His smile was sad. Of course; Ignis didn't really have any family around to celebrate with. Gladio jiggled his knee, hesitating.

“H-hey, Iggy,” he began cautiously. “Y’know, if you don’t have any plans for the Solstice, you’re always welcome to - “

“Ah, Ignis! Just the man I was looking for.”

Ignis stood as two people Gladiolus had never seen before entered the office. The first was an attractive, bespectacled woman with golden hair swept back in an elegantly casual updo. Gladio, always the gentleman, rose instantly to his feet, pushing in his chair and squeezing back against the bookshelf in an effort to free up some space for her in the tiny room. She was followed by a pale young man who stood shoulder to shoulder with Gladiolus, which was a rare enough occurrence. What was really odd was Ignis's reaction. He blanched as the man entered. Then he was turning away to face the woman, almost as if he'd never even noticed the other visitor at all.

“Dr. Trepe! To what do I owe this pleasure?”

Her lips curved in a perfect cupid’s bow. “Ignis, dear, how many times must I remind you? Call me Quistis. Anyway, I was just giving Prince Ravus a tour of the department.” She gestured toward the man beside her.

Oh - so that’s why he looked familiar. Gladio had often seen the royal Nox Fleuret duo on magazine covers or on TV. Ravus cut a striking figure in person, with his wintry complexion and dual colored eyes. He seemed to resent being watched, interrupting Gladio’s examination with a peculiarly frigid glare.

“Prince Ravus will be joining our department as a research scholar next semester,” Quistis explained. “Your majesty, Ignis is a grad student and TA in our department. As you may be aware, he also serves as the royal advisor to Crown Prince Noctis. He’s quite the feather in the department’s cap.”

Gladio beamed, eyeing Ignis with pride. What he saw surprised him. Iggy’s shoulders were tense, his face frozen in a mask of false politeness.

Something was wrong.

“Thank you, Dr. Trepe. As it stands, I’ve already had the good fortune of making Mr. Scientia’s acquaintance.”

Gladio’s eyes snapped in Ravus’s direction. His expression was unreadable, but his tone of voice suggested that whatever fortune had been at play was anything but “good.”

“Indeed.” Ignis mustered a weak smile. “I’m honored his highness remembers me.”

Ravus flinched, the movement so quick it was barely perceptible. Gladio glanced between them. Whatever vibe was going on here, he didn't like it one bit. He asked the question before he could stop himself.

“How do you two know each other?”

Ignis gasped. “Oh, by the six - where are my manners? Dr. Trepe - “

“Quistis.”

“Quistis” - Ignis blushed - “and Prince Ravus, please allow me to introduce Gladiolus Amicitia, Prince Noctis’s sworn shield, as well as one of my dearest friends.”

Gladio’s chest swelled until it threatened to burst. He crossed his arms, lip quirking up into a satisfied smirk.

'Dearest friend, huh?'

“I see,” Quistis murmured, tapping her chin. Her eyes ran up and down Gladio’s frame with an openly appraising look. “I apologize for interrupting your discussion, Gladiolus. I doubt we made a very good impression.”

“Meeting a colleague of Iggy’s is never an imposition,” Gladio assured her. “Especially not when that colleague is as elegant and beautiful as yourself.”

Quistis blushed, blue eyes sparkling behind her spectacles. “I never imagined the royal shield was such a charmer. You’ll have to bring him around more often, Ignis.”

There was a momentary, infinitesimal fracture in Ignis’s facade. “Yes, well, I daren’t keep his majesty any longer," he said quickly. "I’m sure you’re both quite eager to continue the tour. Prince Ravus, it truly was a pleasure seeing you again. I look forward to our collaboration in the coming semester.”

“As do I,” Ravus snapped, his words laced with such venom that even Quistis sent him a mildly startled look. “Dr. Trepe, shall we?”

“C-certainly. Gladiolus, it was a pleasure. And Ignis, we’ll be seeing you tonight at the reception, won’t we?”

“Of course. The Grand Hotel Insomnia at six o’ clock, correct?”

“Not exactly ideal weather for an event, is it?” Gladio interjected, frowning. “The roads are supposed to freeze after seven.”

Ignis dismissed him with a breezy laugh. “Yes, well, you know what they say Gladio - the show must go on! Until tonight then, Dr. Trepe...Prince Ravus.”

He bowed at the waist. Gladio rushed to follow suit, but not before glimpsing the pain that flashed across the prince’s strange, distant eyes. Then he was gone, sweeping off down the hall without a word of acknowledgement. Quistis rushed after him. Gladio waited until he no longer heard the clicking of her high heels before he spoke.

“What was that all about?”

Ignis began fussing with the papers on his desk. “Dr. Trepe was introducing the newest addition to our department.”

“Who you just happen to already know.”

“Is that so odd? You and I often cross paths with royalty in our line of work.”

“Uh-huh.” Gladio approached the desk, leaning over and splaying both hands across the surface. “So, you gonna tell me how you two actually know each other?”

“I don’t see that it’s any concern of yours,” Ignis replied, voice unusually clipped. Gladio ignored the sting.

“I’m just curious - y’know, as a dear friend and colleague. Why so defensive?”

Ignis slammed down a folder, nostrils flaring. “Fine. Spring 752. I did a semester in Tenebrae. Prince Ravus was a student at the university. We made acquaintance.”

“And?”

“And what?”

Gladio shrugged. “Dunno. Just thought I sensed some hostility between you two.”

“Enough, Gladio!”

The outburst stunned them both. Gladio took a step back. He ran a hand through his hair, trying fiercely not to look as hurt as he felt. After a long moment of silence, Ignis heaved a sigh.

“Forgive me, Gladio. It’s just a rather...unpleasant story, if I’m being honest. I wasn’t expecting to meet him like this, and...I’d rather not talk about it all just yet.”

Gladio chuckled harshly. “Why are you apologizing? I’m the one being the asshole here. Sticking my nose in your business. But if you ever do feel like talking about it, or there’s any way I can help...just let me know.”

“Thank you, Gladio,” he said softly, and the smile he turned on him was so full of warmth and relief that it hurt to look at.

Gladio hurried to change the subject.

“You sure you’re good to go to this reception thing? Ravus will probably be there, too.”

“I’ll be fine. I merely need a moment to compose myself. I do apologize I won’t be able to join you at the gym today. I was quite looking forward to showing off my new gains.”

He wiggled his eyebrows. Gladio snorted.

“Save it for next time, hot shot. But seriously, Iggy - the roads are supposed to get pretty bad tonight. Call me if you need a ride.”

“Certainly; I’m sure Dr. Trepe would just love it if you popped by.”

“Iggy.”

“Don’t worry; I promise I’ll behave myself.”

“You better. Don’t wanna go setting a bed example for Noct.”

Ignis’s smile fell. Gladio rolled his eyes, reaching for the half-eaten pastry on the desk.

“Talk to ‘im,” he said through a mouthful of scone. “Better yet, feed him and then talk. He’s always in a better mood when his stomach’s full.”

“Oh Gladio.” Ignis shook his head. “If only I could be as certain as you are.”

‘But I’m not certain,’ Gladio thought to himself. The uncertainty followed him as he took his leave, wandering through the empty halls of the department alone. Noct could be stubborn, and Ignis had a tendency to cave in. Hopefully they'd be able to come to terms without too much of a fuss.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didnt see the figure rounding the corner, hurtling straight at him. He barely managed to come to a stop before they collided.

“Whoa there!” he exclaimed, stumbling backward. “My bad, are you - ?”

The charity in his voice withered and died as he looked up into the face of the passerby.

Ravus Nox Fleuret.

“Ahem. Pardon me, your majesty.” He stepped aside, the polite gesture a reflex after so many years as a retainer. Ravus, however, stood quite still, eyes fixed on Gladio intently - almost as if he were measuring him up.

Gladio’s jaw clenched.

“There a problem, highness?”

Ravus looked away, making a soft, dismissive noise in the back of his throat. He strode past Gladio with his nose held high, sharp footsteps echoing off the walls like a hailstorm. Gladio’s eyes narrowed, gaze following him over his shoulder. The uneasy feeling was back, creeping up from the pit of his stomach like clutching vines.

Whatever history Ravus and Iggy had together, Gladio had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn’t the good kind.

He tore himself away with a sigh.

“Forget about it,” he muttered firmly. “Iggy can handle himself. It’s not like you have any say in the matter, anyway.”

Still, it was a good thing he kept a spare set of clothes locked up at the campus rec facility. He was gonna need an extra challenging workout today.

TBC...

#gladnis #promptis #prompto argentum #noctis lucis caelum #ffx #gladiolus amicitia #ignis stupeo scientia #fanfic

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aheartyouonceknew · 6 years ago

Text

The Love that nearly destroyed me.

This is a detailed account of my experience of my love with a blogger and ex fiance, this is my story.

(please forgive any grammatical errors)

A bit of back story, i met her through a family member. When we first met were attracted to each other almost instantly. We drove to Vegas and saw all the casino's and had a blast. As time went on we both grew even more attracted to each other and before the end of the first night we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. On the second night we are getting ready to go out and I am looking in the mirror and I jokingly tease 'would you date me? Id date me' while doing a silly flex.

'what are you gay or something?' She asks me.

'I say no im 100% sure im straight but I have made out with guys before and realised it wasn’t for me.'

She goes wide eyed and freezes up. I ask her what's wrong, but she refuses to look at me or even touch me. I then realised she actually may be homophobic, and I tell her im not gay. She is stone cold. I then realised she as a practicing Christian, that this was a big no no for her.

I tell her that’s all in the past, and that I am comfortable with who I am. She refuses to speak to me or look at me, so i give up and I leave the room upset.

Later that night after dinner, I see her again, she tells me not to talk about it again and we should just forget about it. We have a blast in Vegas, get very drunk. We have this amazing connection and attraction towards her. Sadly the trip had to end but we both decide to meet again.

A couple of days later i meet in her home town in a motel, met her little one and it was fantastic. That same night i get a message from my ex gf asking how my trip was. She glares at me, demanding to know who I was talking to. I panic and casually tell her 'just an old friend.' She demands to know who it is and asks me for my phone. I oblige, she tgen scrolls and see's old texts of my ex and i.

She flips out.

Bare in mind this was less then a week of knowing each other. I didn’t even get a chance to delete my Tinder (to which she saw). I tried to explain to her that this was all moving so fast and I hadnt had the time to sort all these things or even consider them at the time.

So we are in the motel room and she flips out, grabbing her things and is ready to leave. Im on my knee's telling her im sorry etc. She looks at me and asks me what I am willing to do to be with her. I say anything. She says 'ok delete and create a new facebook'.

Im shocked, over 10 years of memories and family photos? Gone?

I tell her I cant do that cause those were too sentimental.

She then decides she wants me to block and delete any female friends I had a relationship sexual or non sexual, she then demands I delete my Snapchat and Instagram accounts. I obliged.

The next thing I regret doing so the most, is to my ex gf of mine.

She tells me to message her, and tell her that I don’t ever want to talk to her ever again (within those terms). I did so, and I felt like a scumbag for hurting thst poor girl that did nothing ill towards me.

After a long hours talk of me asking for forgiveness, we make up.

A week later she decides to bring herself and her little one to my mums house to feel how we are together. My dream is to be a father and I would love her child like my own.

So we are at the house and it was the most perfect week of my life, it was bliss and I knew I wanted this. After the week ended I then realised I had one week left. We were both devastated as I had to fly back to Bali to work for my dad. I then wanted to prove my commitment to her (because I was in love with her at the time) .

So that night I went into my backyard while she was in the living room and dressed up in a black suit and lit an array of candles in my back yard. I messaged her to come out, and I was standing there, she smiled beautifully and kept laughing, I grabbed her by the had and said, 'I may not have much right now, so I cant give you a ring. But what I can give you is a promise that I want to share my life with you.' I then turned to her little one and gave a solem vow to protect her and care for her as my own.

The next day we contact her parents, and they are shocked and scared. Everything is happening so quickly, too quickly they say. But after a long talk, the father and mother gave me their blessing. I promised to take care of their daughter and gave them my word. Lots of tears of joy were shed.

The day arrives when I have to leave, I take the plane back and meet my dad and step mum. I told my dad that I was engaged and he gives me this sour look, 'you only knew her for less then a month, what do you know of love?'.

My dad had promised me work to build echo friendly villas, to which he promised me a stable income in which I could provide for her and her little one when they were here.

What my dad didn’t tell me was that a deal he had fell through, and that the money that was supposed to come in to build the resort wont be available so the resort building is postponed. He tells me I can work for him as a manager, but will only pay me when the business starts to take off and I show my worth.

I am furious.

I had this whole plan that I was relying on my dad, I believed in him to keep his word. Now that it had fell through not only did I feel like I lied to her but her family as well. I asked my dad would it be ok if she was welcome to come live here?

He said of course, I'll support her in any way I can. So I talked to my Fiance and she asks 'will he buy us the tickets?As I already spent hundreds of dollars on passports and luggage.'

I tell her he said any way he can.

I then have a conference call with my dad and fiance. My fiance asks when can he book the tickets for the trip?

I never said that he says.

He explains when he will support her anyway he can means when she gets here with her own money. (take in mind I left my old job in australia and have $0 to my name) So another lie in her eyes and to her family.

I talk to my dad and I tell him, if she cant be here then Im going back to the US, he says ok. ‘If you really love her I'll pay for your ticket’. I tell her about me going back, she asks if there is anything I can do to make some money? I tell her I have my camera and gopros that I could sell. She says 'good sell them' I hesitate, the camera's have sentimental value as they were the first gift my dad ever sent me. She then takes my hesitation as a message of unloyalty. She then yells abuse at me over and over, repeating my faults and telling her of her willingness to sacrifice everything. (to which I understand).

I then promise her to sell the cameras to get my tickets to the US as my dad has proven unreliable. But I hold back from selling the camera's, I don’t tell her about this as I am hoping my dad will follow through.

That night my dad is upset at me for coming here and giving up on the family for '' some chick in the US''. I felt torn on both ends, but I do love my fiance and I will fight for her. He tells me if that’s the case then I ill receive no support from him.

Later that night I responded to all the well wishes of the engagement, an old french high school friend (who is a lesbian) contacted me. I say thank you beautiful as I nickname her beautiful as I have always done. I then get a phone call of my fiance yelling at me saying I shouldn’t compliment any girl, and that I should be her main focus. I try to explain my reasoning but she wouldn’t listen so again I apologies and accept defeat.

A couple of days go by and my fiance asks if I had posted the cameras, I said not yet but I am doing so now. More hurled abuse, more fighting. I post the camera's and get terrible prices for them that would barely get me to the US.

Later that night my fiance calls me up, she is so happy. My mum and her have decided to pitch in to get me here, and that I can sell the camera's in the US for a better price. And that it would be best if we move to Australia together and when I get settled I can pay her and my mum back for the ticket.

But there was a catch,

I have to leave the next night. My fiance urges me to tell my dad of me leaving but I don’t. I hold off in telling my dad at the last second as he had my passport in holding, I feared he would refuse to give me my passport and not let me leave.

When i finally have the passport in my hands i decode to break the news to him.

He is devastated.

I then feel sorry for him and I give him one of my best go pro's to use for his surfing and that he can pay me whatever feels right. So later that night I fly to the US.

Once I arrived, we finally met. She decided to stay at my mothers house while my mother was in paris on a holiday, it would just be me and her.

It was as if a day had not gone by, the same feelings arose and all was well. I took care of her little one by changing the diapers, feeding, and playing. I was in bliss, I wanted to prove to her and show her I could do this. One thing that I never told her was I did feel a lot of shame how I left things with my dad, and I was quite upset, but I put on a smile whenever I could. Later that day i get a message from my dad and found out my dad decided to just pay me $100 ¼ of what the camera was worth, i kind of minded on the sale being so cheap.

She also was not happy, she yells at me, demanding that I pay her the money I owe her by selling the camera's. The next day I successfully sell part of my camera sets and pay her back and she is happy.

One day I am feeling very horny, I tease her and I am extra affectionate towards her. I tell her she is beautiful and does this to me and that I am so lucky to have a girl like her. As the day goes by I am still like a dog on heat. She leads me to the bed room. I get super excited and playful, she then pushes me away and says 'im going to masturbate now.' Im like 'awesome sure let me help'.

‘No, I dont want you touching me but we can masturbate side by side’.

At first I thought she was joking, but at the same time I am extremely hurt.

I think to myself...

'Did I do anything wrong?'

'Is she still attracted to me?'

So I am visibly upset I get up and put my clothes on and leave the room. After about 20 minutes she comes out and I am still upset at her. I tell her Im just going to lie down for a bit, she lays next to me and asks if im ok and apologises for not wanting to sleep with me as she wasnt feeling well. I then tell her don’t worry about it, I'll get over it. I then jokingly told her that I kinda went to lie down so I could masturbate as I needed to release myself.

She then leaves the room. I then emerge from the room relaxed and satisfied. She is scowling at me packing her bags.... She is furious that I decided to masturbate and demanded if I masturbated to other girls or to porn?

I am in disbelief as I felt like there were some double standards. It’s the hotel room all over again, I beg for her not to leave, but she decides to stay.

*Just a note, I respect a women's choice to refuse sex to a man if she doesn’t feel like it. But I cant help to feel upset.*

A couple of days go by my mother returns from paris and she goes back to her home town. We both plan on me visiting her family and me staying at her dads or sisters house while there. Unfortunately they both said they couldn’t house me. She then asks to sell the rest of the gear so I could rent a motel for us to stay. I agree. After the phone call i talk to my mum and tell her everything, my mum says that its only fair i pay her back as well, since i did so with Carolyn.

Yet again I am at a crossroads, but I made a promise to pay my mother back so I agreed to pay my mum. I told my fiance that I will still be seeing her but I would only stay for during the day as I cant afford the motel. She is furious, 'what about the money from the camera gear?' I try to explain to her. But she refuses to listen. Yelling above my voice not giving me a chance to speak she tells me not to come, and that she is sick of the empty promises I never fulfil. She removes our engagement status and blocks me on all forms of social media.

I am devastated, im a heaping sobbing mess to my mum. I love her I really do....I cry. I decided to accept things as they were, so I decided to install Tinder (more to which to heal my wounds and insecurities of being dumped). With the app installed im staring at the swipe screen, and I just cant do it. So I uninstall the app.

I decided to heal the bridges I destroyed and contacted my old ex. I call her just telling her i was sorry for what I had said/done.

'You really hurt me, you really really hurt me' she cried. I cried.

'But I forgive you, because I don’t believe in holding onto hate.' I cry again.

After the talk I felt better that she accepted my apology, but sad knowing things may never be as they were. But it felt good to hear her laugh again.

Later that night I was trying to relax when I get a phone call.

Its my now ex fiance.

I ask her what does she want? She then tells me she didn’t feel like things ended correctly and wanted to make things right. I had enough

Correctly? None of this has ended correctly. I yell.

I tell her that the real reason she is calling is to mask this guilt, I told her I did my best with the cards I was dealt but it was never enough. But to know I at least tried and never gave up on her. The real person who is given up is you.

I then hung up. (and yes that was dramatic as it was in the heat of the moment).

She calls me back, and I ask her. Do you really love me? Yes shes tells me. My heart ache's.

I then tell her that i love her and that I will see her tomorrow to have a real talk.

The next day I take the train to see her, she hops out of the uber and is skipping towards me in a joyful mood. Im cold and numb by this point, i have an emotional barrier up. She hugs me, kissing my arm etc.

'Lets talk.'

We go into the café and sit across from each other in an awkward silence. I tell her I am doing the best I can, and that I believe once I am in control of my own life in Australia we can finally have a normal life. She tells me she loves me and wants that too. She wants things to work, and I really felt like she does. We make up and everything is perfect again, but then she stops and has this smile...Like she is looking forward to something.

She then asks, 'Did you install Tinder?'

I am completely caught off guard and blurt out 'no', as I uninstalled the app. She pulls out the phone in this satisfied smile and ask 'then whats this?' Showing my tinder profile.

I tell her that yes, i installed it but never used it.

'have you been talking to any other girls on social media?'

I decided to tell the truth.

‘Yes, my ex...but only to sa-’,She then gets up and leaves

'if your talking to her again why don’t you just be with her.' And she walks out.

And that’s when I felt like I was done, emotionally just done.

A couple weeks have gone by, and she's moved on.

Although I do look her up from time to time, I am glad that she is happy, I decided to tell this story because I felt like this is part of my healing process. I really did love her. But i dont think she ever loved me.

I felt like she loved the idea of me being a father role, but never really loved me.

She is a hypocrite in most cases on her stances towards men, but that is her reality. I respect her beliefs and her views to empower women but at the same time its contradictory, I dont judge her on her stance towards homosexuality or if religious views.

I moved my life for a love that never deserved or appreciated me, the control factor is scary. The mind games of her holding onto that tinder info waiting to use it on me like a loaded gun showed me she enjoys the control over men.

But don’t get me wrong, this poor girl has been through so much and I understand her distrust towards men (its why I put up with everything). At the same time I do feel sorry for her because of the men in her past has left her broken, its the sad fact of one persons crazy is another persons reality.

If any of you that read this, that has suffered from emotional abuse please dont hesitate to reach out.

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imnotavampire97 · 6 years ago

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long, but possibly helpful.

ive been through a lot recently and have done a whole lot of thinking about whether or not ill ever be happy. I always tell others “you’re in control of your happiness” and “you’re the only one who can change it”. I know in my heart that is true, but sometimes i really don’t know what makes me happy or what i can do to be happy.

But I know that I truly am in control of my own emotions. I cannot let anyone take away from my energy, my love, my light.

Ive gone through a very rough time in my life. 21 years of nonsense. Yes, there are absolutely beautiful moments in my life, and i am dearly grateful. I enjoy them when they happen, because living in the moment is what it’s all about. I read a quote once somewhere that said, “The past nor the present exist aside from in your mind. The only true moment is now,” or something like that.It stuck with me for so long, and when i’m down and out i think of that. Nothing in the past truly exists anymore, nothing in the future is set in stone.

Even with all this in my mind, my past comes to haunt me all too much and all too often.

I suffer from bipolar type 2, which is pretty much just a mix of anxiety and depression. You can be really happy for a day, a week, months, even. But then one day, one little thing can trigger you into this pit of darkness, where you’re suffocating and you cant get out. It is a major issue that has been in my life for three years now, stemming from a mixture of my father’s actions as a child (and even now), and one of my ex’s and his behavior,

My depression has been a problem since i was 11, probably even before that. I had no friends. My parents argued more than not and it usually ended with a physical fight between my parents. As a child i had no idea what was going on. Yelling and violence were common among our household; I knew no different. I went through a very long period of my life where i was just confused and sad all the time, and i thought it was normal, so sadness was essentially all i knew.

I was a very “obnoxious” child. I was over the top friendly, and just wanted to share my love, innocence, and happiness with everyone. Other kids didn’t like me, I was loud and talked a lot. A time came where I truly felt like if i died, everything would be so much better. For my parents, for the kids at school, even my siblings. I didnt want to live, and i had realized that life goes on without me. I felt dead on the inside. I tried to jump out of a three story window (being 11 i had no idea that if i had jumped, i wouldnt have died, just most likely been severely injured). My dad came into my room to me with a leg out the window. He yelled and yelled, and told me if i wanted to die he could make it happen. He picked me up and i clung to the window frame. After a minute he put me down and went to try and take his own life, Among the tears and the yelling, my mother came in and resolved the situation. I say resolve, but it was just more arguing between her and my father until they finally gave up with one another and my dad left for the night. It was a common reoccurring situation.

My dad wasnt ever there for me emotionally. Nurturing is not in his vocabulary. He would call me names, hit me, yell at me, and blame me for his failing marriage. I know now that none of it was my fault. He was a drug addict for most of his life, and to be quite honest, he still is. I love him and pray for him every day, even though he was awful to me, because at the end of the day he is my father, and i love him, even though he doesnt show that he loves me too.

My exboyfriend is a really long story, but in an nutshell, he was sexually and mentally abusive. I met him through my old roommate, and he and i really hit it off. We traveled all over the state and even got to move to a new state where we tried to start our life. I was 18 and he was 26. I was young, naive, and really just looking for love in the places i never had it. He raped me on multiple occasions, used me for my apartment and my money, cheated on my multiple times, had violent fits of rage, breaking things and hurting himself, and at the end, he ran away to another country with his new girlfriend, Mind you, he left a day after we broke up. He shut down any thought i ever had, made me get rid of my phone and stop talking to people all together except my mom.

It got to a point of me being so isolated, that I had no thoughts in my mind except that the only way out was to take my own life and let myself have some sort of peace. I was curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, contemplating how i could do it, when all of a sudden, one thought popped into my head. “Go to the hospital. Ride your bike to the hospital, and tell them you’re a danger to yourself.”

After a moment of thought, i put my shoes on, grabbed my bike, and rode as fast as i could to the nearest hospital.

And that was the best decision I have ever made.

I got counseling, went to therapy for a while, and gained a pretty good handle on my metal state. I started doing things for me, not for anyone else’s happiness.

Since then, I have gone through losing multiple jobs, being homeless, wrecking my ex’s car (a different ex), multiple break ups, and losing all my friends, even ones from 8 years ago. But as of now, I have a decent job, a roof over my head, a wonderful, loving boyfriend who cares for me dearly, a perfect dog, and I am finally beginning to love myself the way i deserve. I am getting myself on track, and i am learning from my mental illness and fixing the problem myself. It may not be now, or soon, but over time i will get there.

There is so much more to my life story that would take forever and a day to type out. The point I am trying to make is, suicide is NEVER the answer. There is someone out there, even if its just the voice in the mist of your mind, cheering you on, loving you, caring about you. I dont know what saved me that day in Colorado, but I am so thankful, so blessed, and so happy that i didnt end it. Tomorrow is a new day. You can do so much in just one day. You whole world can get turned upside down in a good way, or even in a bad way, But its alright! Because theres always a way out. Even if its not clear to you in the moment, it will become clear to you when it needs to. Stay mindful, stay patient. Good things will come your way, I promise. You can’t reach to heaven if you haven’t gone through the worst parts of hell. You really do need that balance between bad and good. You cannot cherish the good the way you need to if you haven’t experienced the bad. Life is one big learning lesson, and the only way to learn is to pay attention and stay strong in the moments where you find yourself the weakest.

Go out and ride a bike with the wind flying in your face, smash some plates on the ground, run as fast as you can until you cant take it anymore, stick your head out the window on a car ride and feel that air, get that adrenaline rush and feel alive. Remind yourself that you ARE ALIVE. You have 86,400 seconds in a day, make every single one count as if it was your last.

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allenmendezsr · 4 years ago

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birdysnow · 7 years ago

Note

Who is your favorite OC? Pls share their backstory I must know👀

to be honest it’s totally Devon. I’ve had him sinceee about the 6th grade, and he’s been concrete since about 7th grade (I’m almost a junior!). He’s so important to me :’). Whenever I feel sad I just work on him or write about him and it cheers me up real fast.

haha his backstory is a loooong, complicated mess. I literally went on an 1.5-2 hour rant about his backstory at a sleepover once, it was ridiculous how long it took for me to talk about him. I actually wrote a response for this ask yesterday, but it got deleted I hate my life. It was soooo long because I wrote it in the way I speak. You’re probably getting a lot more than you bargained for :’). I’ll put it below the cut so everyone else doesn’t suffer.

im gonna use bullet points bc i like them and theyre shorter

note: universe is like. sci-fi. there’s space stuff you know

full name: Devon Mateo Westmore

born: August 16th

a leo!!! do with that what you will

as far as parents go, they’re kinda dicks basically

Devon was a complete accident and he’s kind of treated as such

they’re pretty neglectful?? they really dont give a crap abt him frankly

they’re more interested in making bank with their jobs and turning up

has a sister who’s like graduating or smthn. she’s old. her name’s Lucía.

she also could give less than a crap about him and had a similar experience with their parents; just wants to be free and have no attachment to this rando baby

is a total Problem Child™ during school because of his messy life, just wants attention and love really but never really gets it

universally hated by teachers all his life

high school is especially rough he is a disaster

he’s basically like party all day every day bitches bc is parents are never home/probably wouldnt reprimand him for going out anyways

he drinks a lot, does drugs

he bangs a lot of people irresponsibly. A LOT of people.

is a player tbh he will flirt with anyone. very pansexual.

makes a lot of (bad) friends 2 fill the Void™ and does a lot of illegal things

anyway fast forward to when he’s like 17-18 and school’s like yep time to graduate!! and hes basically like

but he does graduate in order for the story to move forward

but now he’s like careers????????

all he’s kind of enjoyed is music throughout high school but he’s like thats not what i want to do.

yolo, he probably says to himself one day. I’ll just join the military and become a space pilot because thats what I wanted to do when i was 8

so BASICALLY i haven’t figured out how I want this space military to work but he ends up in like an academy (he’s like around 19ish) or smthn

this is where he starts to like chill tf out tbh

he discovers that he likes this a lot?? and he’s like dedicated to it???

a lot of like. coping happens and he has to figure out what kind of person he wants to be and recover™ himself

but yah he does well and he ends up being valedictorian nice going m8

basically if you’re #1 in your class you get the opportunity to go to this like. school/training thingy. and it’s very exclusive but if you like graduate from their you’re like. set

its like harvard except you could die there

yolo, he thinks in yet another life decision he really shouldn’t be taking lightly. I want $$$$ so i’m about to make that place my bitch

he does not make that place his bitch

he suffers so much

by the end of the year/2 years he’s there, he does pretty well

He makes a bunch of good friends, and he gets a ton of experience. he’s really good because of it, as to be expected

while there the top of the class is this girl and her name is Adella

shes my daughter

Devon likes her but she’s like super stand-offish and he’s a party kid so he’s like

“hard pass.”

but he has like mad respect and he thinks she’s chill

the feelings mutual

anyways like RIGHT before they graduate she gets recruited to this special program because she’s top of the class and like disappears he never sees her again

sike

but not for a while at least……………

so like fast forward he’s like 23 maybe

he’s got a good job, he’s living it up really?? he’s just like pretty happy all around he has a life, an apartment, friends

he gets an email from this girl and she’s like yo

I’m Tamara, my mother passed away recently but I discovered that our parents are apparently siblings?? I never knew I had a cousin, I heard you live in the area and I was just wondering if you wanted to get to know each other

and hes basically like damn if i’m about to pass up this chance!!!!!!!!

Tamara works as a programmer literally one (1) city away

basically they just?? end up getting along really well?? Devon spends a lot of his off days hanging out with her

he’s so ecstatic to finally have someone who’s his family like she treats him like a little brother

probably Tamara also has a younger sibling, their name is Calix. they work as a doctor and dont see Tamara often but the two are close regardless

they’ll be important later but for rn they’re not relevant

anyway, at some point they make plans for Devon to meet Tamara and he ends up at her work

and she’s chilling with this guy who is absolutely

fucking

gorgeous

Devon’s sure he died, right there, behind a goddamn cubicle,,

he’s frantically trying to think up something suave to say (are you the only tennessee no– wait–) when Tamara notices him

she introduces him to her hot friend, his name is Shay

Devon tries to play it cool

“Hey would you mind if Shay came w–”

“NO NOT AT ALL I WOULDNT MIND”

they go out for lunch

he chills out a little bit on the way enough to be his usual self

Shay mistakes flirting for good-natured joking

Devon suffers

They exchange numbers

cue pining

Shay continues to be oblivious

He has to be told point blank by Tamara whos like “Please, for the love of all that is good, fuck him go on a date with my cousin.”

“Has he been asking me on dates every time he takes me out?? every time??”

I love Shay so much u dont even know

Shay is basically a really pure and happy person, literally nothing can get him down ever he’s just trying to live his best life

he’s everything to Devon, he’s so sunshiney and nice and Devon has just been through some stuff and his life is going well and now he has been blessed with this beautiful, perfect boy….,,,

it’s not like Devon has never dated anyone before, most of his relationships have been purely physical but he’s been in romantic relationships w people

but this is like. it he knows it.

they date for about a year, everything’s fantastic

and then

things are heating up politically, and Devon’s in the military so they need him somewhere else

right now everyones living in like?? around india somewhere and they need him in like. canada.

hes understandably upset

he’s gotta move. acROSS THE GLOBE.

he’s not going to break up with bae but they’ve got to talk through this like Adults™

so they talk through it

and Shay’s basically like

“fuck no, i’m moving with you idiot

did you think you were just going to move away from me bench?? sike”

they move in together

I used to have their apartment layout drawn up on homestyler but they reset the system and it’s gone into the void so i’ll have to remake it :’)

so now they’re moved in which is super great everything is popping

remember Calix? they’re relevant again

basically, Calix has been dating this girl for a while now and they’ve gotten serious but their relationship is not working out because she is a mess tbh and they love each other very much but they are not good for each other

Calix isn’t emotionally receiving or helpful he’s very blunt so they end up splitting up because she doesn’t need a relationship

Said girl is Adella

Adella is a mess basically

the program she was recruited for made her very successful, very well known in her field and in a lot of ways, among common people

but downside is there was a lot of government dirty work she was kind of pressured into doing

there’s also a lot of hush hush skirmish’s that have been occurring that she had to stop

she’s been struggling with depression for a lot of her life and she has PTSD so when her contract is up she decides to take a break™

her and Calix’s relationship kind of falls apart but she’s friends with Tamara and she’s like I need to leave somewhere and get out of this messiness, i’m going to move back home (Canada)

Tamara is like

LIGHTBULB DING DING DING

she doesn’t think that Adella shoudnt be on her own, she wants someone to supervise her and make sure she doesnt accidentally starve or smthn

she has the best intentions but she kind of tricks Devon and Shay tbh

“Hey you guys got an apartment with an extra room?? Can you take in my friend for a while, she’ll pay rent, she has a job she’s just trying to find a nice place to live but she needs to move to the area rn”

the two of them are like “yeah sure lol sounds legit tammy we ly

Adella shows up on their doorstep with the intention to live there for like 2 years

cue Shay internally flipping his shit over this lowkey celebrity whos going to LIVE in HIS APARTMENT DEVON DID YOU CLEAN THE KITCHEN

Devon is not phased

he knows Adella from school so he’s just kind of like hey its u whats banging girlie

he basically just treats her like normal and she is so appreciative

basically they become SQUAD i love them and thats the beginning of my story and thus ends background

i’m sorry this was so long i tried so hard but i got carried away. double sorry for taking so long I have like 3 end of school projects due rip me

Thank you so much for asking!! I can’t tell you how much it means to me :’)) If you made it this far through my story I applaud you. thanks for reading!!! Feel free to message me if you have any questions

#ask #mine #im shook this happened im still dazed that anyone cares about my garbage children #i love my son so much #cheater157 #my ocs

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rizaespiritu-blog · 7 years ago

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I lost almost 95% of our bad memories. I barely remember everything when I am supposed to recall it detailed by detailed because that’s what I’m good at - storing good or bad memories in my mind and in heart. The feeling’s like I had some amnesia but only our bad memories were erased. I could hardly remember the root of everything, and the following series of events. All I can remember is that you were not so good to me before ((but I couldn’t really recall what you did)) and then shit happened and then I tried to fix shit and then tada!! We’re back to normal. I just realised it lately when my boyfriend is trying to bring back the past. I really have no idea why or how. Maybe I’m already happy to be bothered by the past? Or I just didn’t let myself be a prisoner of the past? Or maybe I’m escaping from my nightmare? No matter what the reason is, I no more care. What’s important for me right now is that I am able to make it up to the people I hurt, including myself. I am able to stand up again for myself ((I had some extreme reflection of myself and had undergone emotional shits before I could bring back my strong self)). It was hard - to stand up again when I’m already at the very bottom. I came to the point when I already cursed myself. But for the people who keep on believing me ((even when I, myself don’t)), I tried for them. They were my strength.

an open letter to the person who sees the beautiful side of me and never gives up on me,

I know, it’s hard for you to forget the past. Believe it or not, but I do understand you. I truly do. I don’t know how to give you advices because 1. you will misinterpret me and 2. you will insist your reasonings so I will just shut my mouth and listen to your point than to argue with you. I despise quarrelling with you. All I want is “lablab” time - always. When you accepted me again, I thought you were also ready to forget everything that happened because that’s how you will be able to fully accept me and go on with life with no hindrances. It’s not that you will never forget it because it hurt you a lot or it will always be a part of you or it will always have a part in your life. It’s not like that. How can you move forward when in some instances, it bothers you? It’s not permanent. Don’t make it permanent. Don’t be an inmate of the past because no matter how far you go or how long you’ve reached, you will always comeback to it. For instance, now that we’re back to how we used to be ((but stronger hehe)), we’re genuinely happy and there’s no doubt with that. But there comes a time when you out of the blue, cite some happenings before and mention names and such. I don’t want to remember it anymore. You too, please. You told me that you’ll not mention them or that again. Don’t be full of hatred. You will bring it until you get old. I don’t want you to grow up having hatred deep down in your heart. I’m sorry. Everything was my fault. Every time you mention them/that, I keep on hating and blaming myself. I am truly sorry. I have no excuse with what I’ve done, but I could at least make it up to you and to the months that I wasn’t able to take care of you. It’s been five months, and we’re still trapped. I want to move on, forget everything but you won’t help yourself. It will take a lot of time and I completely understand that. Just always remember that I will always be by your side supporting and cheering you up in your journey. I will always help you. I once asked you if the things that I’m doing for you not enough to pay back every wrong doings that I’ve done, and you said no. The moment you said “no”, it’s like I’m shattered into pieces. All this time, my efforts aren’t still enough. I don’t have the right to question it because it’s you whom can see it. Yet, since the very first day that we got together, I knew that I’ve been selflessly doing everything for you. I knew that you will be my top priority. I couldn’t enumerate all the things that I’ve done because I did them wholeheartedly and I’m not asking something in return. I just want to serve you - always. But it just hurt to hear it from you that everything that I have done wasn’t enough. From then day on, I told myself to try harder and don’t expect people to appreciate you the way I wanted to. For five months, I’ve been regretting my wrong doings. Everyday, I am cursing myself. I’ve been following you and your rules. You want me to not talk to all of the people related to them? I’m not talking to them - it’s just that whenever we see each other in the hallway, they’re the first one to smile at me or wave at me or at least nod at me and I will just give an awkward smile in return. Do you expect me to really be a snobber? That when they smile or wave at me, I’ll just have my poker face on? That even our mutual friends/blockmates, I shouldn’t greet them? Neglecting the fact that they’ve been my friends first? You also got mad at me because I greeted my used-to-be-friends’ mother on a mother’s day. Why? Because they deserve to be greeted because in that way, they will feel appreciated. They’ve been my second mom because they’ve been very welcoming and they also treat me as their daughter. I’m sorry I had to. Do you expect me to be an introvert person? Sometimes, I see it unfair because as I ignore other people, you used to reply to this bullshit girl whom I told you to ignore too. Fun fact: I hate to do it - to have you ignore other people but I had to. I’m sorry. However, it’s fine because if that will help you recover, I will do it. Even if I lost a lot of friends, I will do it. If this is my punishment, it’s good. It’s my fault so I will be the one to adjust. Sooner or later, i’ll get used to it. You know what, i envy you sometimes. I envy you because when in a normal day, you have someone who will chat you and tell “chikas”. Aside from me, you have other people whom you can lean to. You have other people whom you can hangout with. Why do I feel like alone ((when I’m not really alone)) whenever we fight? It’s like I have no one to tell how I am feeling. It’s hard to cry myself to sleep. It’s hard that I’ll just cry all of a sudden just because I exploded. I could hardly prevent myself from crying these days. What’s more hurtful is when I am crying and you’re still, “ano ba naman yan riza”, “wag dito”, “nakakahiya riza” and such. Yep. I got those words instead of a simple hug. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING FRAGILE UGH. I’m sorry if i cry a lot. I know you’re sick of seeing me cry, I am sorry. It also sucks that breaking up is always your solution in every problem whenever we argue. Can’t you think of other solution? Is this really how you escape from problems? Dude, no. every problem needs people trying to understand each other and talking it over nicely. Why is that whenever we fight, you always bring back the major mistake I’ve done to you though it’s not related at all with what we are arguing at? Please, don’t. It’s so irrelevant. The two of us, we do make mistakes. Let us accept it and learn from it. Don’t try to get angry just because you made a mistake. You did it, stand for it and make up for it. Despite those shits, I always love you and I’ll not give up on this relationship. Never. I will be with you on your journey and will constantly support you. You will always have me whenever you want to rant or share your blessings. Whenever you’re feeling something unusual, don’t hesitate to tell or consult me. i will always listen to your problems. Just don’t take problems alone. Remember that I am here. Don’t give me the answer “I’m okay” when deep down in my heart I know that you’re not, so please do tell me everything that bothers you and we’ll try to fix it. Thank you for seeing the beautiful in me. I always appreciate everything you've done for me. For me, you are more than enough.

to my used-to-be-best-friends-slash-sisters-by-heart,

Even though I don’t talk to you anymore, thank you for always missing me and thinking of me. Thank you for always asking how I am doing. I miss you sometimes, when I’m so alone. I miss hearing “uy b punta tayo sa ganito ganyan”, or “bataan ka? photoshoot tayo”, or “uy may chika kami sayo” and many more. Thank you for still treating me as your friend. I miss having a company whom I can really cry on and will not leave me until I’m okay, someone who will give me advices and listen to my kadramahans in life. I miss you whenever I see a group of friends. But maybe, some things just don’t last. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault why everything turned out this way. I’m sorry we have to part ways. I’m sorry we have to go on our own. I’m sorry I ruined our dreams. I’m sorry I broke my promises. Please understand me. Sooner or later, I'll get used to it. It's a challenge for me, I guess. To be strong enough. It hurts to cry alone and to comfort myself when I'm sad. But I have to deal with the fact that when things are messed up, I only have myself ((aside from my boyfriend)). You see, I have friends but I could hardly open up to them because 1. They don't completely know me 2. I havent shown them the whole me 3. It's hard to start over 4. I always have what ifs. I want them to meet the whole me. I just dont know how.

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womenofcolor15 · 4 years ago

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Preggo Zonnique Looked Fed ALL THE WAY UP With Boyfriend Bandhunta Izzy During Date Night Where She Drove & Paid Tip

Zonnique Pullins - daughter of Tiny Harris & step-daughter to T.I. - is really feeling the pregnancy rollercoaster. And her rapper boyfriend Bandhunta Izzy doesn’t seem to be helping any. More inside…

Zonnique Pullins said she wants to be on her “Nicki Minaj” sh*t as far as her pregnancy goes. In July, pregnancy rumors were circulating after the reality star/singer posted several pictures on her Instagram of herself rocking super baggy t-shirts.

A month later, Tiny’s 24-year-old daughter confirmed the news! She and her rapper boyfriend, Bandhunta Izzy, are expecting their first child together – a baby girl. It will be Izzy’s third child as he’s already the father to two children with two different women.

Zonnique’s step-father T.I. was NOT impressed when he was hit with the pregnancy news:

youtube

It could have been the way Zonnique delivered the news too.

“It really sucks being pregnant during the coronavirus,” Zonnique – who’s about five months along - recently told PEOPLE about her first pregnancy. “At first, I’m like, ‘This is the perfect time, like everybody is locked in. I don’t have to worry about going out. So if I want to hide it for however long, I can hide.’ ”

“But when it comes to going to doctor’s appointments, I go to all of them by myself. I ask every single time, ‘Can I bring my boyfriend?’ And they’re like, ‘No, only you can come.'”

This week, Zonnique and her boyfriend of two years stepped out for date night and sis was NOT here for his jokes. The rapper posted videos of the soon-to-be mother driving to the restaurant on their way to dinner. In the caption of the video, he wrote, “Hope my child don’t get dat big a** head, imma still love her doe.” He finished the caption with the crying emoji.

Izzy pulled his camera out again after they ate to record another video for his IG Stories. In the clip, the “Family Hustle” star pulled out a few one dollar bills to tip the server and he teased her about it.

"You embarrassed by me?" he asked. She doesn’t respond, but can clearly see she’s OVER his shenanigans.

"Why? 'Cause I got Tourettes?" he continued before laughing.

Check it:

View this post on Instagram

Folks are dragging #BandhuntaIzzy after he posted his pregnant girlfriend #Zonnique driving him to dinner. After eating, he shared video of her pulling out money for a tip. The night before he was partying with his homies at the strip club buying bottles and making it rain on strippers.

A post shared by TheYBF (@theybf_daily) on Aug 21, 2020 at 2:03pm PDT

People were going off over the fact Izzy made her drive and pay the tip!

Maybe this is one of the reasons why she said she wasn’t quite ready to marry her child’s father. She told Hollywood Life that marriage feels like an even “bigger commitment” than having a child and she’s simply not ready.

“I’m actually not—my mom is always like, you need to stop saying that—but I feel like, at my age, I don’t really want to get married right now. I feel like that’s an even bigger commitment. I don’t know. I hate to say that it’s an even bigger commitment than a baby to me, but getting married just seems like so much. Right now that’s not really what I would like to do.”

Peep the clip below:

View this post on Instagram

@themixfoxsoul co-host @zonniquejailee talks all about her new show and how she’s feeling after announcing her first pregnancy!

A post shared by HollywoodLife (@hollywoodlife) on Aug 6, 2020 at 12:42pm PDT

Very interesting outlook on marriage especially when having a baby with someone it binds you to the person for AT LEAST 18 years. Hmph.

Earlier this month, the parents-to-be celebrated their baby girl's upcoming arrival. It's unclear if this was their official baby shower :

View this post on Instagram

THANK YOU guys for showing us so much love on our bundle of joy y’all know I’m a private person and wasn’t gonna say anything until I felt ready to share with you guys in my own way..so with that being said going back into my corner..last slide is still very much my mood dont let this moment confuse you

A post shared by Zonnique (@zonniquejailee) on Aug 5, 2020 at 11:31am PDT

View this post on Instagram

More Love. More Blessings.

A post shared by GoldenBaby 6 (@bandhunta_izzy) on Aug 5, 2020 at 12:08pm PDT

Congrats to the couple. We pray Zonnique has a healthy delivery!

Photo: Bandhunta's IG

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2020/08/22/preggo-zonnique-looked-fed-all-the-way-up-with-boyfriend-bandhunta-izzy-during-date-night

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theskyrimlibrary · 4 years ago

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A Dance in Fire v3

A Dance in Fire Chapter 3

by Waughin Jarth

✲•······················▃🖋️······················•✲

Mother Pascost disappeared into the sordid hole that was her tavern, and emerged a moment later with a scrap of paper with Liodes Jurus’s familiar scrawl. Decumus Scotti held it up before a patch of sunlight that had found its way through the massive boughs of the tree city, and read.

Sckotti, So you made it to Falinnesti, Vallinwood! Congradulatens! I’m sure you had quit a adventure getting here. Unfortonitly, Im not here anymore as you probably guess. Theres a town down rivver called Athie Im at. Git a bote and join me! Its ideal! I hope you brot a lot of contracks, cause these peple need a lot of building done. They wer close to the war, you see, but not so close they dont have any mony left to pay. Ha ha. Meat me down here as son as you can. Jurus

So, Scotti pondered, Jurus had left Falinesti and gone to some place called Athie. Given his poor penmanship and ghastly spelling, it could equally well by Athy, Aphy, Othry, Imthri, Urtha, or Krakamaka. The sensible thing to do, Scotti knew, was to call this adventure over and try to find some way to get back home to the Imperial City. He was no mercenary devoted to a life of thrills: he was, or at least had been, a senior clerk at a successful private building commission. Over the last few weeks, he had been robbed by the Cathay-Raht, taken on a death march through the jungle by a gang of giggling Bosmeri, half-starved to death, drugged with fermented pig’s milk, nearly slain by some kind of giant tick, and attacked by archers. He was filthy, exhausted, and had, he counted, ten gold pieces to his name. Now the man whose proposal brought him to the depths of misery was not even there. It was both judicious and seemly to abandon the enterprise entirely.

And yet, a small but distant voice in his head told him: You have been chosen. You have no other choice but to see this through.

Scotti turned to the stout old woman, Mother Pascost, who had been watching him curiously: “I was wondering if you knew of a village that was at the edge of the recent conflict with Elsweyr. It’s calling something like Ath-ie?”

“You must mean Athay,” she grinned. “My middle lad, Viglil, he manages a dairy down there. Beautiful country, right on the river. Is that where your friend went?”

“Yes,” said Scotti. “Do you know the fastest way to get there?”

After a short conversation, an even shorter ride to Falinesti’s roots by way of the platforms, and a jog to the river bank, Scotti was negotiating transport with a huge fair-haired Bosmer with a face like a pickled carp. He called himself Captain Balfix, but even Scotti with his sheltered life could recognize him for what he was. A retired pirate for hire, a smuggler for certain, and probably much worse. His ship, which had clearly been stolen in the distant past, was a bent old Imperial sloop.

“Fifty gold and we’ll be in Athay in two days time,” boomed Captain Balfix expansively.

“I have ten, no, sorry, nine gold pieces,” replied Scotti, and feeling the need for explanation, added, “I had ten, but I gave one to the Platform Ferryman to get me down here.”

“Nine is just as fine,” said the captain agreeably. “Truth be told, I was going to Athay whether you paid me or not. Make yourself comfortable on the boat, we’ll be leaving in just a few minutes.”

Decumus Scotti boarded the vessel, which sat low in the water of the river, stacked high with crates and sacks that spilled out of the hold and galley and onto the deck. Each was marked with stamps advertising the most innocuous substances: copper scraps, lard, ink, High Rock metal (marked “For Cattle”), tar, fish jelly. Scotti’s imagination reeled picturing what sorts of illicit imports were truly aboard.

It took more than those few minutes for Captain Balfix to haul in the rest of his cargo, but in an hour, the anchor was up and they were sailing downriver towards Athay. The green gray water barely rippled, only touched by the fingers of the breeze. Lush plant life crowded the banks, obscuring from sight all the animals that sang and roared at one another. Lulled by the serene surroundings, Scotti drifted to sleep.

At night, he awoke and gratefully accepted some clean clothes and food from Captain Balfix.

“Why are you going to Athay, if I may ask?” queried the Bosmer.

“I’m meeting a former colleague there. He asked me to come down from the Imperial City where I worked for the Atrius Building Commission to negotiate some contracts,” Scotti took another bite of the dried sausages they were sharing for dinner. “We’re going to try to repair and refurbish whatever bridges, roads, and other structures that got damaged in the recent war with the Khajiiti.”

“It’s been a hard two years,” the captain nodded his head. “Though I suppose good for me and the likes of you and your friend. Trade routes cut off. Now they think there’s going to be war with the Summurset Isles, you heard that?

Scotti shook his head.

“I’ve done my share of smuggling skooma down the coast, even helping some revolutionary types escape the Mane’s wrath, but now the wars’ve made me a legitimate trader, a businessman. The first casualties of war is always the corrupted.”

Scotti said he was sorry to hear that, and they lapsed into silence, watching the stairs and moons’ reflection on the still water. The next day, Scotti awoke to find the captain wrapped up in his sail, torpid from alcohol, singing in a low, slurred voice. When he saw Scotti rise, he offered his flagon of jagga.

“I learned my lesson during revelry at western cross.”

The captain laughed, and then burst into tears, “I don’t want to be legitimate. Other pirates I used to know are still raping and stealing and smuggling and selling nice folk like you into slavery. I swear to you, I never thought the first time that I ran a real shipment of legal goods that my life would turn out like this. Oh, I know, I could go back to it, but Baan Dar knows not after all I’ve seen. I’m a ruined man.”

Scotti helped the weeping mer out of the sail, murmuring words of reassurance. Then he added, “Forgive me for changing the subject, but where are we?”

“Oh,” moaned Captain Balfix miserably. “We made good time. Athay’s right around the bend in the river.”

“Then it looks like Athay’s on fire,” said Scotti, pointing.

A great plume of smoke black as pitch was rising above the trees. As they drifted around the bend, they next saw the flames, and then the blackened skeletal remains of the village. Dying, blazing villagers leapt from rocks into the river. A cacophony of wailing met their ears, and they could see, roaming along the edges of the town, the figures of Khajiiti soldiers bearing torches.

“Baan Dar bless me!” slurred the captain. “The war’s back on!”

“Oh, no,” whimpered Scotti.

The sloop drifted with the current toward the opposite shore away from the fiery town. Scotti turned his attention there, and the sanctuary it offered. Just a peaceful arbor, away from the horror. There was a shudder of leaves in two of the trees and a dozen lithe Khajiit dropped to the ground, armed with bows.

“They see us,” hissed Scotti. “And they’ve got bows!”

“Well, of course they have bows,” snarled Captain Balfix. “We Bosmer may have invented the bloody things, but we didn’t think to keep them secret, you bloody bureaucrat.”

��Now, they’re setting their arrows on fire!”

“Yes, they do that sometimes.”

“Captain, they’re shooting at us! They’re shooting at us with flaming arrows!”

“Ah, so they are,” the captain agreed. “The aim here is to avoid being hit.”

But hit they were, and very shortly thereafter. Even worse, the second volley of arrows hit the supply of pitch, which ignited in a tremendous blue blaze. Scotti grabbed Captain Balfix and they leapt overboard just before the ship and all its cargo disintegrated. The shock of the cold water brought the Bosmer into temporary sobriety. He called to Scotti, who was already swimming as fast as he could toward the bend.

“Master Decumus, where do you think you’re swimming to?”

“Back to Falinesti!” cried Scotti.

“It will take you days, and by the time you get there, everyone will know all about the attack on Athay! They’ll never let anyone they don’t know in! The closest village downriver is Grenos, maybe they’ll give us shelter!”

Scotti swam back to the captain and side-by-side they began paddling in the middle of the river, past the burning residuum of the village. He thanked Mara that he had learned to swim. Many a Cyrodiil did not, as largely land-locked as the Imperial Province was. Had he been raised in Mir Corrup or Artemon, he might have been doomed, but the Imperial City itself was encircled by water, and every lad and lass there knew how to cross without a boat. Even those who grew up to be clerks and not adventurers.

Captain Balfix’s sobriety faded as he grew used to the water’s temperature. Even in wintertide, the Xylo River was fairly temperate and after a fashion, even comfortable. The Bosmer’s strokes were uneven, and he’d stray closer to Scotti and then further away, pushing ahead and then falling behind.

Scotti looked to the shore to his right: the flames had caught the trees like tinder. Behind them was an inferno, with which they were barely keeping pace. To the shore on their left, all looked fair, until he saw a tremble in the river-reeds, and then what caused it. A pride of the largest cats he had ever seen. They were auburn-haired, green-eyed beasts with jaws and teeth to match his wildest nightmares. And they were watching the two swimmers, and keeping pace.

“Captain Balfix, we can’t go to either that shore or the other one, or we’ll be parboiled or eaten,” Scotti whispered. “Try to even your kicking and your strokes. Breath like you would normally. If you’re feeling tired, tell me, and we’ll float on our backs for a while.”

Anyone who has had the experience of giving rational advice to a drunkard would understand the hopelessness. Scotti kept pace with the captain, slowing himself, quickening, drifting left and right, while the Bosmer moaned old ditties from his pirate days. When he wasn’t watching his companion, he watched the cats on the shore. After a stretch, he turned to his right. Another village had caught fire. Undoubtedly, it was Grenos. Scotti stared at the blazing fury, awed by the sight of the destruction, and did not hear that the captain had ceased to sing.

When he turned back, Captain Balfix was gone.

Scotti dove into the murky depths of the river over and over again. There was nothing to be done. When he surfaced after his final search, he saw that the giant cats had moved on, perhaps assuming that he too had drowned. He continued his lonely swim downriver. A tributary, he noted, had formed a final barrier, keeping the flames from spreading further. But there were no more towns. After several hours, he began to ponder the wisdom of going ashore. Which shore was the question.

He was spared the decision. Ahead of him was a rocky island with a bonfire. He did not know if he were intruding on a party of Bosmeri or Khajiiti, only that he could swim no more. With straining, aching muscles, he pulled himself onto the rocks.

They were Bosmer refugees he gathered, even before they told him. Roasting over the fire was the remains of one of the giant cats that had been stalking him through the jungle on the opposite shore.

“Senche-Tiger,” said one of the young warriors ravenously. “It’s no animal - it’s as smart as any Cathay-Raht or Ohmes or any other bleeding Khajiiti. Pity this one drowned. I would have gladly killed it. You’ll like the meat, though. Sweet, from all the sugar these asses eat.”

Scotti did not know if he was capable of eating a creature as intelligent as a man or mer, but he surprised himself, as he had done several times over the last days. It was rich, succulent, and sweet, like sugared pork, but no seasonings had been added. He surveyed the crowd as he ate. A sad lot, some still weeping for lost family members. They were the survivors of both the villages of Grenos and Athay, and war was on every person’s lips. Why had the Khajiiti attacked again? Why - - specifically directed at Scotti, as a Cyrodiil - - why was the Emperor not enforcing peace in his provinces?

“I was to meet another Cyrodiil,” he said to a Bosmer maiden who he understood to be from Athay. “His name was Liodes Jurus. I don’t suppose you know what might have happened to him.”

“I don’t know your friend, but there were many Cyrodiils in Athay when the fire came,” said the girl. “Some of them, I think, left quickly. They were going to Vindisi, inland, in the jungle. I am going there tomorrow, so are many of us. If you wish, you may come as well.”

Decumus Scotti nodded solemnly. He made himself as comfortable as he could in the stony ground of the river island, and somehow, after much effort, he fell asleep. But he did not sleep well.

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#a dance in fire #a dance in fire v3 #skyrim #skyrim book #the elder scrolls #the elder scrolls v #the elder scrolls v skyrim #decumus scotti

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z3norear · 5 years ago

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Great Holy Mass Prayer in Honor of Mother Angelica for EWTN Church. [FROM THE HOLY SPIRIT] TO BE SHARED TO ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!

PRIESTSFORLIFE celebrating Holy Mass

PRAYER AT MASS

In honor of all the PRIESTSFORLIFE

GRACE BE UNTO YOU AND PEACE FROM GOD OUR FATHER AND FROM THE LORD JESUS CHRIST. Phil.1, 2.

Our Father...

Hail Mary...

Glory be...

I believe...

In honor of Fr MARK MARY

Our Father...

THE SIGN OF THE CROSS: +++

HOLY WATER. BLESS YOURSELF AND SAY,

SIGN THE CROSS IN YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY: Through this Cross deliver us from all our enemies O Lord our God.

In the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

By this Holy Water and by your Precious Blood wash away all my sins and all the sins of the World O Lord.

Sprinkle us O Lord with hyssop and we shall be cleansed wash us and we shall be made whiter than the snow.

Create a clean heart in us O our God and renew the right spirit within us.

We offer to you O our God all our thoughts Words actions and sufferings and we beseech you to give us all your grace that we may not offend you this day but that we may faithfully serves you and do thy holy will in all things.

Eternal Father we offer you the Body and Blood the soul and Divinity of your dearly beloved Son our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of sins and those of the whole World. For the sake of His sorrowful passion have mercy on us and on the whole World. 3x

Holy God Holy Mighty One Holy Immortal One have mercy on us and on the whole World. 3x

LORD GOD may Your Power be known to us in every situation. [GOD THE FATHER]

With this Rosary -we bind all our children to the Immaculate Heart of Mary for guidance and protection.

Eternal Father we placed the precious blood of Jesus before our lips before we pray that our prayers maybe purified before they ascend to your divine Altar.

Hail vivifying gem of divine nobility! Hail most loving Jesus! You are our Sovereign and only Good.

Hail White Lily of the ever peaceful and Glorious Trinity Hail Vermilion Rose the delight of Heaven of whom the King of Heaven was born and by whose milk He was nourished! Do Thou feed our souls by the effusions of your Divine influences.

Breathe in us O Holy Spirit that our thoughts may all be Holy Act in us O Holy Spirit that our works too may be holy Draw our hearts O Holy Spirit that we love but what is Holy Strengthen us O Holy Spirit to defend all that is Holy

Guard us then O Holy Spirit that we always may be Holy.

O GOD Who Art present in every place help us to realize Thy Presence here and now In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee. We are not alone for the Father is with us.

THE ASPERGES ME

Before High Mass on Sunday, the Priest sprinkles the people with Holy Water, to remind them of the purity with which everyone should appear before God. You may say, meanwhile the following

PRAYER.

O ALMIGHTY LORD OF HEAVEN AND EARTH behold we a wretched sinners presume to appear before Thee this day, to offer up to Thee by the hands of this Thy Minister :Fr____

___PASCHAL MARY___; [and all the PRIESTSFORLIFE,]

And by the hands of our High Priest, JESUS CHRIST Thy Son, the Sacrifice of His Body and Blood, in union with that sacrifice which He offered Thee upon the Cross;

1] For thine honor, praise, adoration, and glory :

2 ] In remembrance of His death and Passion :

3 ] In thanksgiving for all the blessings bestowed by Him on His whole Church, whether triumphant in Heaven or militant on Earth and especially for those bestowed on us, the most unworthy of all;

4 ] For obtaining pardon and remission of all our sins and those of all others, whether living or dead, for whom we ought to pray; and lastly, for obtaining all graces and blessings both for ourselves and the whole Church, and for the relief and release of the souls in purgatory. Amen.

THE HYMN

To Thee before the close of day

Creator of the World we pray;

With wanton mercy us direct,

and from nocturnal harms protect,

Let no vain dreams , disturb our sleep,

And nightly phantoms from us keep, Satan repel, that by his wiles, our bodies know not what defiles, merciful Father, bend Thy ear, coequal Son our prayers hear: O Holy Spirit hear our cry, who live all three eternally. Amen.

Heavenly Father bless us all who worship here or elsewhere today in the fellowship of Thy Holy Church. Help us to worship Thee in Spirit and in sincerity and to receive thy Holy Word in singleness of heart and mind; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Merciful Father, we humbly approach thine Altar, desiring to offer Thee the Sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving.

For thine honor and glory : In remembrance of the death and Passion of Thy Son : In intercession for Thy whole Church : with thanksgiving for the grace and virtue of all Thy Saints. For the pardon of our sins and power to lead a new life: and for (here name any special request or intention).

[My Intention]-Please Dear Precious and Gracious God stop the war, stop the abortion, stop the suffering of all the people in this World especially the killing of innocent people and children in the Middle East by ISIS, have mercy on all of them and forgive them all their sins and bring them to everlasting life and grant them their salvation. Do justice on all their deaths. We dont want the third World War, please dont let us perish, we hope Israel won't be attack. Our World is so beautiful with You in it. We love you so much with all our hearts with all our soul with all our strength that we have to wrap it on our wrist like a pendant on our forehead. Come Jesus come take possession of our hearts that wishes to belong to Thee.3X.

Blessed Virgin Mary says: "We unite our prayers to all the prayers being prayed around the World in this present moment. We take this collective Prayers and use it as a barrier againts the evil that is in hearts all over the World. [Blessed Virgin Mary 10/07/17.

Accept us O God, and bless us for Thy Name's sake. We will draw near to Thy Altar, O our God, there to gain new strength and vigor to our soul; separate us from those unbelievers who have no trust in Thee; grant us that grace which comforts us when the remembrance of our sins afflicts and cast us down; the grace which let's us know there is an everlasting refuge in Thy goodness, and that Thou art ready to forgive even our greatest sins upon a sincere repentance.

THE CONFITEOR

We confess to Almighty God, to the Blessed Mary ever Virgin, to Blessed Michael the Archangel, to Blessed John the Baptist, the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, to all the Saints, and to you Father, that we have very much sinned in thoughts, word and deed, through our fault, through our fault, through our most grievous fault, therefore we beseech the Blessed Mary ever Virgin, Blessed Michael the Archangel, blessed John the Baptist, the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, and all the Saints and you, Father, to pray to our Lord God for us.

AFTER THE CONFITEOR

O our God, who hast commanded us to pray for one another, and in Thy holy Church hast given even to sinners, the power of absolving* from sins, receive with equal bounty the prayers of Thy people for the Priest, and those of the Priest for Thy people.

We beseech Thee O Lord by the merits of those Saints whose relics are here, and of all the Saints, that Thou wouldst Vouch safe to forgive us all our sins, through Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour. Amen.

AT THE INTROIT.

Grant O Lord we may be truly prepared for the offering of this great sacrifice of Thee his day; and because our sins alone can render us displeasing to Thee, therefore we call aloud to Thee for mercy.

AT THE KYRIE*ELEISON.

Have mercy on us, O Lord, and forgive us all our sins. Have mercy on us O Lord, have mercy on us.

AT THE GLORIA IN EXCELSIS.

Glory be to God on high, and peace on Earth to men of goodwill. We praise Thee; we bless Thee, we adore Thee; we glorify Thee; we give Thee thanks for great glory O Lord God, God, Heavenly King, God the Father Almighty. O Lord Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son. O Lord God, Lamb of God, Son of the Father, Who takes away the sins of the World, receive our prayer; Who sittest at the right hand of the Father, have mercy on us. For Thou only, Thou only art the Lord, Thou only. O Jesus Christ, together with the Holy Ghost, art most high, in tge glory of God the Father. Amen.

1. ADORATION.

In the first part, from the beginning to the Gospel, you will strive to acquit yourself of the obligation of adoring and praising the Majesty of that God Who is worthy of infinite honor and praise. Wherefore, humble yourself with Jesus, confess sincerely how wretched and how merely nothing you are before so immense a Majesty, and thus humbled internally, and externally, and keeping yourself through out the whole Mass, as you ought to do, very modest and composed, repeat the following words.

O our God, we adore Thee, and acknowledge Thee for our Lord, and the master of our soul. We protest that all we are and all we have are willingly acknowledged by us to be from Thee. And since Thy Supreme Majesty deserves infinite honor and homage, while we are but a poor, helpless being, utterly incapable of paying so great a debt, We* offer up to Thee the humiliation and the homage which Jesus renders to Thee on the Altar. That which Jesus does we purpose also to do, we humble, we abase* ourselves, together with him, before Thy Majesty, we adore Thee with the same humiliation with Jesus practices, we rejoice and we are glad that the Blessed Jesus should give to Thee, in our behalf, infinite honor and homage.

OUR FATHER...15X

HAIL MARY...15X

[TO ADORE GOD]

Repeat many act of this kind, Nor be at all anxious to keep to the words just given, but make use of those which your devotion shall dictate while you remain recollected in, and united with God. This will indeed be a happy fulfillment of the first of your Obligation.

An offering of adoration and recognition of the Supreme Majesty: JESUS CHRIST adores God as fully as He deserves. In the Mass we honor God by God Himself, namely, by Jesus Christ. God is more honored by one Mass than by the perpetual adoration of all the Angel's and Saints together. By this Supreme Glory is brought to the Holy Trinity, Mass being nothing else than the renewal of the offering by Jesus Christ of divine honor on Mount Calvary.

AT THE DOMINUS* VOBISCUM*

Be Thou always with us, O our God, and let Thy grace never depart from us.

AT THE COLLECTS.

ALMIGHTY AND ETERNAL GOD, we humbly beseech Thee mercifully to give ear to the prayers of Thy servant which he offers Thee in the Name of Thy Church and in behalf of us Thy people, accept them to the honor of Thy Name and good of our souls; and grant us all those blessings which may anyway contribute to our salvation. Through our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

AT THE EPISTLES.

Be Thou O Lord, eternally praised and blessed for having communicated to the Holy Prophets and Apostles Thy Spirit, disclosing to them, admirable secrets, redounding to Thy glory and our great good. We firmly believe their word, because it is Thine. Give us we beseech Thee the happiness to understand from the Church, by their instructions, what is profitable and grace to practice the same all our lives.

AT THE GRADUAL.

How wonderful O Lord is Thy Name through the whole Earth! I will bless our Lord at all times. His praise shall be ever in my mouth. Be Thou our God and our protector : in Thee alone will we put our trust: let us not be confounded for ever.

11. ATONEMENT.

In the second interval, that is, from the Gospel, to the elevation, you will acquit yourself of the second obligation. Casting a brief glance over your most grievous sins, and recognizing the immeasurable nature of your debt towards divine justice, say with humble heart.

Behold, our God, this traitor who has so many times rebelled againts Thee. Pierced with grief, we abhor and detest our numerous sins, while we offer for them that same atonement which Jesus offers on the Altar. We offer to Thee all the merits of Jesus, the blood of Jesus, Jesus entire God and man, who now, as an unbloody victim, pleads a new for us His bloody sacrifice on the cross. We offer all that he does on that Altar as our mediator and advocate, imploring of Thee to pardon us through His most precious Blood, we unite ourselves with the cry of that loving Blood, and we beseech of Thee mercy for our sins, so grievous and so many. The Blood of Jesus cries for mercy, our contrite heart implores the same. O God if our tears move Thee not, let the supplication of our Jesus move Thee. That mercy which He obtained for the whole human race on the Cross, why should He not obtain it for us on this Altar? We sincerely hope that in virtue of that most precious blood, Thou wilt pardon our grievous transgression, which we shall continue to deplore to the last breath of our life.

OUR FATHER...15X

HAIL MARY...15X

[TO GIVE THANKS TO GOD]

Repeat many of these acts of true and sincere contrition entirely recollected in God, and feel sure that in this way you will fully discharge the debt of your many sins.

An offering of Atonement for the forgiveness of daily sins and the temporal punishments due for mortal sins that are already forgiven. The Holy Mass makes mercy possible where there is sufficient sorrow for deadly sins.

AT THE GOSPEL.

Mayst* Thou be ever adored and praised, O Lord, who not content and instruct and inform us by the Prophets and Apostles, hast even Vouch safed* to speak to us by Thy only Son, our Saviour Jesus Christ, commanding us from a voice from heaven, to hear him: grant us O merciful God, the grace to profit by His divine and heavenly doctrine. All that is written of Thee, dread Jesus, in Thy Gospel, is truth itself: nothing but wisdom ; in Thy actions; power and goodness in Thy miracles; light and instructions in Thy words. With Thee, Sacred Redeemer are the words of Eternal life; to whom shall we go, but to Thee, Eternal fountain of Truth! Give us, O God, grace to practice what Thou commandest, and command what Thou pleasest.

AT THE CREDO.

We Believe O Lord, all Thou hast taught us, by Thy Holy Church: in this faith, by the assistance of his grace, we desire to live and die; by Thy divine grace, we are convinced of the sincerity and wisdom of those who have delivered these Sacred truths to us. Their miraculous success is a sufficient proof, where shall we go our Lord? Thou hast the words of Eternal life. Of Thy truth, thus delivered, our reason and will shall never doubt, though our senses and vain imagination should. We Believe O Lord, help our unbelief.

AT THE OFFERTORY.

Accept O Holy Father Almighty and Eternal God, this unspotted Host, which we, Thy unworthy servant, offer Thee, our living and through God, for our ennumerable sins, offences and negligences, and for all here present, and for all faithful Christians, living and dead; that it may avail us and them to life everlasting. Amen.

We offer Thee O Lord, the Chalice of salvation, beseeching Thy Clemency, that it may ascend before Thy divine Majesty, as a sweet perfume of our salvation, and for that of the whole World.

Accept us O Lord, in the spirit of humility and a contrite heart; and grant that the Sacrifice which we offer this day in Thy sight, may be pleasing to thee, O Lord God.

AT THE OBLATION.

Thou Lord, who once vouchsatedst, to wash Thy disciples feet, before their invitation to Thy Holy table, wash us also, we beseech Thee, O Lord, and wash us again; not only our feet and hands, but our hearts, our desires, our souls, that we may be wholly innocent and pure.

Receive O Holy Trinity, this oblation we make Thee in memory of the passion, resurrection, and ascension of our Lord Jesus Christ, and in honor of the ever Blessed Mary ever Virgin ; of the Blessed John the Baptist; of the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul; of these and of all the Saints ; that it may be available to their honor and our salvatition; and may they vouchsafe* to intercede for us in Heaven whose memory we celebrate on Earth. Through the same Christ our Lord. Amen.

AT THE ORATE*FRATRES.

May our Lord, receive this sacrifice from Thy hands, to the praise and glory of his name, for our good and the benefit of His whole Church.

AT THE SECRET PRAYERS PROPER FOR THE DAY.

Mercifully hear our prayers, O Lord and graciously accept this oblation, which we Thy servant are making to Thee: that as we offer it to the honour of Thy Name, so it may be to us, a means of obtaining Thy grace here, and in the next life, everlasting happiness. Amen.

AT THE PREFACE.

It is truly meet and just right and available to salvation that we always, and in all places, give thanks to Thee, Holy Lord, Father Almighty, Eternal God, through Christ our Lord, by whom the Angels praise Thy Majesty, domination adore it, the powers tremble before it, the heavens and heavenly virtues, and blessed Seraphim, with common Jubilee glorify it; together with whom we beseech Thee, that we may be admitted to join our voices, saying in a humble manner.

Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God of Sabbath ; Heaven and Earth are full of Thy glory.

Hosanna in the highest Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord, Hosanna in the highest.

AT THE CANNON OF THE MASS.

Most Merciful Father: Who hast given us Thy only Son to be our daily sacrifice incline thine ears to our prayers, and favour our desires ; protect, unite, and govern Thy whole Church throughout the World, pour forth Thy blessing on His present Holiness, that Prelate who has a particular charge over us, and all true professors of the Catholic faith.

AT THE COMMEMORATION OF THE LIVING.

We offer Thee O Eternal Father, with this Thy Minister at tge Altar, this oblation of the Body and Blood of Thy only Son, to Thy honor and glory; in remembrance of our Saviours* Passion, in thanksgiving for all Thy benefits, in satisfaction for all our sins, and for the obtaining of Thy grace, whereby we may be enabled to live virtuously* and die happily. We desire Thee likewise to accept it, O God for my parents, (if alive) relatives, friends, and benefactors : grant them all blessings spiritual and temporal. We offer it up also, (name the particular intention you offer it up for ; as for obtaining this virtue, overcoming that vice; for blessings, such as health, etc.) Likewise for all that are in misery; for those i have anyways injured in word or deed; for all our enemies; for the conversion of sinners, and enlightening all that sits in darkness. Pour forth Thy blessings on all, according to their different necessities, through the merits of Thy only Son our Lord.

Give ear we beseech Thee, to the prayers of Thy servant, who is here appointed to make this oblation in our behalf, and grant it may be effectual for the obtaining of all those blessings which He asks for us

Behold, O Lord, we all here present to Thee in this Bread and Wine the symbols of our perfection O Lord, that they maybe made for us the true Body and Blood of Thy dear Son: that being consecrated to Thee by this Holy victim, we may live in Thy service, and depart this life in Thy grace.

111. THANKSGIVING.

During the third space of time, from the Elevation till Communion, reflect on the great and manifold benefits bestowed on us, or designed for us by God, and then offer to Him in return a gift of infinite value that is the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ, Then invite all the Angels and all the Saints, to thank God in our behalf, in the following or some similar words.

Behold us, our most Beloved God, laden with the benefits both general and particular which Thou deignest* bestow on us in time and to store up for us in Eternity. We know that Thy mercies towards us have been and are infinite, but we are ready to repay Thee all even to the last farthing. Behold we thank and repay Thee, by this most precious Body, this Divine Blood, this innocent Victim, which we present to Thee by the hands of Thy Priest. We are certain that this offering which we make is sufficient to repay all the gifts Thou hast bestowed on us. This gift of infinite value is by itself worth all the gifts which we have received, which we do now received, and we are yet to receive from Thee. O Holy Angels and Saint in Heaven, help us to thank our God and to offer Him in Thanksgiving for each benefits, not only this but all the Masses that are being actually celebrated throughout the World in order that His Loving beneficience*may remain fully recompensed for so many graces which He has bestowed on us, which He is about to bestow, and will bestow through Eternal ages. Amen.

Our Father...15X

Hail Mary...15X

[TO DO PENANCE AND TO OBTAIN REMISSION OF SINS]

Oh, how our God will be pleased with thanks so affectionate! This offerings worth all other gifts, is of infinite value. Repeat such acts over and over again, and be assessed that in this way we will make great approaches in satisfying this obligation.

An offering of Thanksgiving to God, the origin of all blessings. Here also Jesus takes our place and He thanks the Creator with infinite perfection for all His Heavenly and Earthly blessings. With and by Jesus alone we can fulfill entirely our duty of thankfulness towards God.

AT THE ELEVATION OF THE HOST.

Most adorable body, we adore Thee, with all the powers of our soul. Lord who hast given thyself entirely to us, grant we may become entirely thine, we believe; O Lord, help our unbelief.

Most Merciful Saviour, be Thou our protector; strengthen and defend us by Thy Heavenly grace, now, and especially at every hour of our life, and at the hour of our death, sweet Jesus. Amen.

My Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ when we take this Eucharist You will heal our body mind and soul. Lord bless and heal everyone at this moment. [Blessed Virgin Mary].

AT THE ELEVATION OF THE CHALICE.

Most adorable Blood, that washest* away, all our sins, we adore Thee, happy we, could we return our life and blood for thine, O Blessed Victim.

O Jesus, do Thou cleanse, sanctify, and preserve our souls to Eternal life. Live Jesus in us, and may we live in Thee. Amen.

O VICTIM OF Salvation! ETERNAL KING! Incarnate Word! Sacrificed for us and all mankind! Precious Body of the Son of God! Sacred Flesh, torn with nails, pierced with a lance, and bleeding on a Cross, for us poor sinners! Amazing goodness! Infinite Love! O let that tender love, plead now in our behalf: let all our iniquities be here effaced, and our name be written in the Book of Life. We Believe in Thee: We hope in Thee; We love Thee. To Thee be honor; praise, glory, and benediction, for ever and ever. Amen.

O Sacred Blood, flowing from the wounds of Jesus Christ, and washing away the sins of the World! Cleanse, sanctify, and preserve our souls, that nothing may ever separate us from Thee. Behold, O Eternal Father, Thy only begotten Son, and look upon the Face of Thy Christ, in whom Thou art well pleased. Hear the voice of His Blood crying out to Thee, not for vengeance, but for mercy and pardon. Accept this divine oblation and through the infinite merits of all the sufferings that Jesus endured on the Cross for our salvation, be pleased to look upon us, and upon all Thy people, with an eye of mercy. We most humbly beseech Thee, Almighty God, command these things to be carried by the hands of Thy Holy Angels to Thy Altar on High, in the sight of Thy Divine Majesty that as many as shall partake of the most Sacred Body and Blood of Thy Son in this Altar may be filled with every Heavenly Grace and blessings, through the same Christ our Lord. Amen.

AFTER THE ELEVATION.

It is now O Lord, with grateful hearts we call to mind the Sacred mysteries of Thy Passion and death of Thy resurrection and ascension. Here is Thy Body that was broken; Here is Thy Blood that was shed for us, of which this exterior sins are but the figures and yet in reality contain the substance. It is now we truly offer this O Lord, that pure and Holy Victim which Thou hast been pleased to give us ; of which all the other sacrifices were but so many types and figures.

AT THE MEMENTO FOR THE DEAD.

We offer Thee again, O Lord this Holy Sacrifice of the Body and Blood of Thy only Son, in behalf of the faithful departed, and in particular for the souls of [ here name whom you chiefly propose to pray for...Mother Angelica] your parents, (if dead) relatives, benefactors, neighbors, etc..

Likewise of such as we have anyways injured or been the occasion of their sins, of such as have injured us, and been our enemies; of such us die in war, or have none to pray for them, etc..

To Thee O Lord, and to all that rest in Christ, grant we beseech Thee, a place of refreshment light and peace; through the same Christ our Lord. Amen.

AT THE NOBIS* QUOQUE* PECCATORIBUS.

Vouch safe to grant to us poor and miserable sinners, judge us not according to our demerits ; but the infinite multitude of Thy mercies, in which we hope finally extend to us Thy grace and pardon.

We ask it of Thee, in the name of Thy dear Son, Who liveth and reigneth eternally with Thee, and in that form of prayer which He Himself hath taught us.

THE PATER NOSTER

Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy Name Thy Kingdom come; Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven; Give us this day our daily bread ; and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those that trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Deliver us from those evils, which we labor under at present ; from past evils which can be nothing but our manifold sins ; and from all the evils to come, which will be the just chastisement of our offence, if our prayers and those more powerful ones of thy Saints who intercede for us, intercept not thy justice or excite not thy bounty.

AT THE BREAKING OF THE HOST

Thy body was broken and th6 blood shed for us ; grant that the commemorative of this Holy Mysteries may obtain for us peace; and that those who receive it may find everlasting rest.

THE AGNUS DEI

Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the World, have mercy upon us.

Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the World have mercy upon us.

Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the World, grant us peace.

THREE REVELATIONS OF OUR LORD

Dear Lord we adore Your Sacred Heart which we desire to enter with acts of Love, Praise, Adoration and Thanksgiving. We offer You our own heart as we sigh to You from it's very debts; asking that You will work through us in all that we do this day, thus we may draw You closer to us than You were before. We offer You all the Crosses and sufferings of the World, in union with Your Life on Earth in expiations for sins. Please join our every action and heartbeat to the pulsation of Your Heart. We unite all our works of this day to those labors You performed while You are on Earth, bathing them in Your Precious Blood and we offer them to the Heavenly Father so that many souls maybe saved. Amen.

PREPARATION FOR HOLY COMMUNION

Dear Jesus we ardently desire to receive You. The moment draws near, the rapturous moment in which we shall receive You our God, into our soul. We come to You, we run to meet You with the utmost devotion and reverence of which we as a little child were capable. Stretch for Your most Sacred Hands to embrace our soul. Your pierced Hands which ever stretched forth amid the anguish of Your Passion to embrace all sinners. We stretch forth not only our hands, but our hearts and our soul to embrace You and to feed You into the innermost and secret reasses of our hearts.

Would that we had within us as a precious devotion love and purity as the heart of any mortal. Would that we were filled with all virtues with all holy desires with perfect devotion. Would that we had the purity of all Your Angel's, the charity of all Your Apostles, the holiness with all Your confessor the chastity and cleanness of heart of all Virgins and the holy fire of love of all the martyrs. Would that we have receive You now with all the devotion reverence and love with which Your most Blessed Mother receive You in Your own incarnation and in Your adorable Eucharist. Would that we had your own Sacred and Divine Heart that we might receive You as Your ineffable majesty deserves.

We offer You our sweetest Jesus- to be our fitting preparation to make amends for all our unworthiness, our negligence our lack of preparation devotion and affections. We offer You the love which the Saints and the Blessed Mother had wa hen they receive You in this Holy Sacrament. We offer You most Holy Jesus, Your own meritorious Heart and all the suitable virtuous and Grace's which the most Blessed Trinity bestowed without measure upon it, that all the vileness and all our unworthiness maybe covered and that a proper and most peaceful abode maybe prepared for You in our soul. Amen.

AT THE PRAYER BEFORE COMMUNION

In saying to Thy Apostles our Peace we leave You our peace we give You, Thou hast promised O Lord to all Thy Church that peace which the World cannot give ; peace with Thee and peace with ourselves.

Let nothing O Lord ever interrupt this Holy Peace. Let nothing ever separate us from Thee, to whom we heartily desire to be united through the Blessed Sacrament of Peace and reconciliation. Let this food of Angel's strengthen us in every Christian duty so as never more to yield under temptation or fall into our common weaknesses.

Lord we are not worthy thou shouldst enter under our roof, say only the word and our soul shall be healed. 3X

A SPIRITUAL COMMUNION.

Most loving Jesus, we adore Thee with a lively faith, who art present in this Sacrament by virtue of Thy infinite power, wisdom and goodness. Bit conscious of our infirmities and sins. We dare not now receive Thee sacramentally. All our hope is in Thee! We love Thee O Lord with all our heart who hast so lived us; and therefore we desire to receive Thee now spiritually.

Come, therefore, O Lord, to us in spirit, and heal our sinful soul. Feed us for we are hungry ; strengthen us for we are week ; enliven and sanctify us with Thy Sacred Body and Blood ; deliver us from all sin, and make us always obedient to Thy commands; and let us never be separated from Thee our Saviour, who, with the Father and the Holy Ghost lives and reignest* one God for ever and ever. Amen.

AT THE ABLUTION.

Give us, O Lord, a part in the fruits of Thy death and passion, the Sacred memory of which we have commemorated in our present sacrifice and communion. Happy those who sit at Thy table to partake of the bread of life! O Jesus, our soul sighs after Thee! I long with Thy Apostle to be dissolved and to be with Thee. Our heart and our whole body, with transports of Joy, Seek the living God.

Our soul languishes with the ardent desire of entering into the house of our Lord. We love Thee O our God with all our heart O that we could always enjoy the Presence of Thy Adorable Body which is the pledge of our Eternal happiness! We adore Thy goodness and return Thee infinite thanks, O gracious Lord for Thy inestimable favor and mercy, in admitting us to be present this day at the dread sacrifice, where Thou art both Priest and victim. Make us O God, always sensible of this great blessing, and let not our unworthiness put a stop to the effect of Thy mercy and goodness.

AT THE COMMUNION.

Let it be now, O Lord, the act of Thy mercy that we, who have been present at this Holy mystery, may find the benefit of it in our souls.

AT THE POST COMMUNION.

We give Thee thanks, O God, for Thy mercy, in admitting us to have a part in offering this sacrifice to Thy Holy Name ; accept it now to Thy glory, and be ever mindful of our weakness.

Most gracious God Father of mercy, grant, we beseech Thee, that this adorable sacrifices of the Blessed Body and Blood of Thy Son, our Lord Jesus Christ may obtain for us at Thy hands, mercy, and the remission of all our sins. Amen.

IN HONOR OF THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY.

PREPARATORY PRAYER.

Almighty and Eternal God! By this Holy Sacrifice at which we propose to assist in honor of Thy Holy and Immaculate Mother, the ever Blessed Virgin Mary.

We intend to render to Thy infinite Majesty an honor and a glory worthy of Thee, thus to appease Thy indignation, to satisfy Thy justice, to give Thee thanks in proportion to Thy benefits and to implore Thy mercies for ourselves and for all sinners, for all the faithful, living and dead, for Thy whole Church, and principally for its visible head, the Sovereign Pontiff of Rome- Pope Francis 1 and Pope Benedict xvi, all the Cardinals, all the Bishops, all the Deacons, all the Clergy, all the lay man and woman of this World, all the Holy Apostles of prayer, all the Priests in the World especially the Priests for life of Ewtn Church, and lastly for all poor schismatics, heretics,and infidels, that they may be converted and save their souls.

Most Holy Virgin Mother of the Incarnate Word, treasure house of Grace, and refuge of us, wretched sinners; with lively faith we have recourse to Thy Motherly love, and ask of Thee the grace of ever doing God's will and Thine. In Thy most Holy Hands we place our hearts, and of Thee we ask health of body and soul; and, as we have the sure hope that Thou our Loving Mother will hear us, we say to Thee;

Allow us to give your message through our mouth, allow us to caress your face, allow us to be your servant and allow us to live for you:

Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with Thee Blessed art Thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb Jesus.

Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

By Thy pure and Immaculate Conception O Mary make our body pure and our soul Holy.

3x.

1V. IMPETRATION.

In the fourth space of time, from the Communion to the End, after having made a spiritual Communion while the Priest communicates sacramentally, confidently ask for divine graces, knowing that Jesus is united with you and supplicates for you. Expand your heart, and be not content to ask for things of small importance, but ask great graces your offering being so great, namely the Heavenly Father's divine Son.

Say with an humble heart :

Most gracious God too well we recognized ourselves as unworthy of that favors. We confess our supreme unworthiness and that because of our many and grievous sins we deserve not to be heard. But how wilt Thou be able to refuse attention to Thy divine Son Who on this Altar intercedes for us and offers to Thee in our behalf, His Body and His Blood? O our most beloved God, hear the prayer of this our great Advocate and for His sake grant us all the graces which Thou knowest to be necessary for accomplishing the great affair of our Eternal salvation. And now that we take heart to ask of Thee, a general pardon of all our sins, and the grace of final perseverance. We also ask of Thee our God trusting in the merits and intercession of our Jesus all virtues in a heroic degree and all the aids efficacious for making us a true Saint. We ask of Thee the conversion of all unbelievers and of all sinners, and particularly of those who belong to us by the ties of blood or by spiritual affinity. We beg of Thee the liberation not of one soul only but of all the souls in purgatory. O bring them all out so that through the efficacy of this divine sacrifice that prison may be emptied wherein they are undergoing their purification. Convert also the souls of the living; may this miserable World become a paradise of delight for Thee, where loved reverenced and praised in time by all of us we may come afterward to praise and bless Thee for eternity. Amen.

Our Father...15X

Hail Mary...15X

[ TO BESEECH MERCY FOR YOURSELF AND OTHERS.]

Offer petitions again and again for your selves, your kindred, your friends and acquaintances, ask help for all your needs both spiritual and temporal; ask also the fullness of all good, and relief from all evils for Holy Church; and do not ask any of these things with lukewarmness but rather with a great confidence, making sure that your prayers united with those of Jesus are indeed be heard.

Then Holy Mass being ended make an act of Thanksgiving to God, and leave Church with a contrite heart, as if you are coming down from Calvary.

O Jesus cover us with your most precious Blood every instant of our life. 3X

A PRAYER OF THANKSGIVING

O MOST PRECIOUS INFANT JESUS in humble adoration we offer You most fervent thanks for all the blessings You have bestowed upon us. We shall always praise Your ineffable mercy and confess that You alone are our God, our helper, and our protector ; Henceforth our entire confidence shall be placed in You. Everywhere will we proclaim Your mercy and Your Generosity so that Your Great Love and the Great Deeds which You perform may be acknowledged by all. Our devotion to Your Most Holy Infancy extend more and more in the hearts of all Christian and may all who experience Your assistance persevere in returning unceasing gratitude in Your Most Holy Infancy to which be praised and glory for all Eternity. Amen.

May the Heart of Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament be praised adored and loved with grateful affection at every moment in all the Tabernacle of the World, even to the end of Time. Amen.

AT THE BENEDICTION

The Blessing of God Almighty +Father +Son and + Holy Ghost, descend upon us and dwell in our hearts for ever. Amen.

AT THE LAST GOSPEL

O ETERNAL WORD, speak to our soul, which adores Thee in profound silence : Thou art the Great Creator of all things, abandon not, we beseech Thee, Thy own creature be Thou our life ,our light, and our all.

O Light Eternal enlightened us in this present life, and in the life to come.

Reign in us as in Thy own inheritance: for Thou O Lord, hast made us : Thou hast redeemed us, may we be ever thine.

We have sinned too much against Heaven, and before Thee and we are not worthy to be called Thy Son.

Thou God Incarnate have pity on our frail and mortal flesh and grant it may one day see what it there adores below. Amen.

We render Thee all possible praise and thanks O Sovereign Creator, for the favor we have this day received from Thy bounty, and of which many better deserving Christians are deprived. Receive O Lord, our unworthy prayers supply all our defects, pardon all our distraction and indifference and grant that by the strength and virtue of the Divine mysteries we may go on cheerfully in the path of Thy Commandments, love and service, amidst all the temptations, troubles and dangers of our lifes Pilgrimage, till we shall one day happily arrive at Thy Heavenly Kingdom, where, with the Blessed Angels and Saints we shall more dearly contemplate Thee, adore perfectly, enjoy Theeand more adequately celebrate Thy infinite goodness and mercy, with an interrupted canticles of Eternal praise, admiration and gratitude.

Happy are they that dwell in Thy house O Lord; for ever and ever they will praise Thee.

Thou art worthy, O Lord to receive honor glory and power.

Praise the Lord for He is Good: for His mercy is everlasting.

Who shall relate the wonders of the Lord? EWTN!

Who shall publish His praises? EWTN!

[Prayers ordered by Pope Leo xiii, to be said, kneeling, in all the Churches of the World, after the celebration of low Mass.]

Three Hail Marys....

Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with Thee Blessed art Thou amongst women and Blessed is the fruit of Thy womb Jesus.

Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

By Thy pure and Immaculate Conception O Mary make our body pure and our soul Holy.

3X.

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mamonthemoon · 6 years ago

Text

So about the 5 of CUPS. I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things. I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone. It is SO great to have a computer again. I am blessed, I am thankful. I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy. Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night. Not like the others. A good thing. She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself. Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen. So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush. I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong. I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people. I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year. I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved. In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here. Ayla is the only reason I love. It is true. I never loved before her. I never loved until I became a mother. And I loved everyone with that love, too. Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN. Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it. It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace. She is everything. She is my teacher. She is SO beautiful. And I cant stand to see her cry without crying. That image is burned in my brain. I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well. I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home. I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection. BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY. I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me. I have been unable to attain a living situation. And it is SO frustrating. I believe things can get better. I believe in me. I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition. I have been working very hard to be strong. I have worked very hard to be sober. Worked to be creative. Worked to be spiritually sound. Worked to have greater understanding. And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc. It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay. I am happy. I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect. I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure. I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently. Im used to it!!!!!! I accept it. My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway. The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard. Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake. I feel awful after I eat. I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again. I hate eating. Yet, Im always hungry now it seems. My weight is 115. Im on track, perfect weight. Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan. Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something. Ill have to check. The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”. It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive. So happy inside. I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla. So forgiveness is there. I needed THEIR love. Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey. No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad. But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani. I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her. She is truly ahead of her time. I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter. Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani. It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money. What I can do, is be there for them in other ways. In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are. It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too. And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically. I have to reiterate that. She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her. I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me. I have struggled with the selfishness of that. I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him. IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing. The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke. I am still struggling. Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down. Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey. Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally. I know this. Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge. Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen. Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect. That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote. I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away. It must make it off the page and into something shareable. I write too much to keep throwing it away. It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it. Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing. it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled. I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up. but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else. I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad. Its really simple when you realize. You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really. I still do it. I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for. I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader... i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.

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apostleshop · 6 years ago

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Don't Forget to Say Thank You Book Club: Chapters 1 - 5

Great News has been shared on https://apostleshop.com/dont-forget-to-say-thank-you-book-club-chapters-1-5/

Don't Forget to Say Thank You Book Club: Chapters 1 - 5

Welcome to the CatholicMom.com Book Club! We’re reading Don’t Forget to Say Thank You by Lindsay Schlegel.

The subtitle of this book drew me in right away: “And Other Parenting Lessons that Brought Me Closer to God.” I am a parent, and it is a humbling, humbling experience, let me tell you. Well, you may know that already based on your own journey! We’re all in this together, yes?

Even if you are not a parent, you are likely reading this book because you would like to draw closer to God. We’re all in that together, too. And Lindsay Schlegal does a beautiful job of sharing wisdom with us both on growing in our faith and on growing as a parent. For each chapter, she provides us with a lesson she has learned from her own parenting experiences, her personal thoughts and anecdotes, reflection questions, a prayer, and a friend in the communion of saints that we can call on for this particular lesson.

We begin with a lesson on paying attention, which in parenting-speak goes something like: “How Many Times Have I Told You This?” I relate to this particular parenting frustration quite a bit, as it seems to me that, especially with my twelve-year-old, I can repeat something multiple times and yet he will still claim to have no earthly idea what I asked of him, yet he will somehow manage to overhear a whispered conversation between my husband and I while we are driving on the highway with the radio playing loudly. Selective hearing is a powerful thing, it seems.

Lindsay relates this lesson on paying attention to allowing our minds to wander at Mass. Uh oh, did you get a pit in your stomach when you read that part the way that I did? Apparently, it is no different for adults than it is for children!

“I hear that I should not worry about what I will eat or wear — simply look at how the birds or the lilies are cared for — but I make a mental grocery list anyway … I hear that I just love my enemies and forgive more times than I can count, but instead I rehash that conversation that upset me and imagine what I should have said.” (pp. 2-3)

Remember what I said about humility at the start of this post? Check! I become frustrated with my son for not listening, yet I do the exact same thing to my Father. Lindsay also points out that even if we manage to put our mental grocery list aside for the duration of the homily, we need to do more than simply *hear* the message at Mass. We need to *listen*, and listening is an active exercise that requires a response. To manage this successfully, our hearts need to be ready to embrace the message.

If we attend Mass with a decided lack of enthusiasm, and sit distractedly during the liturgy, making no effort to steal meaningful moments of focus between minding our children, it is no wonder that we leave Mass just as emotionally drained as when we went in.

“If this is all I’m putting into Mass, it shouldn’t be too surprising that I’m not getting much out of it.” (p. 4).

Our Father wants and deserves our attention, so that He can guide and correct us. St. Joseph, pray for us in this endeavor!

In chapter 2, we move on to a lesson in obedience, and our parental shout-out is: “Stop Whining.” Oh boy. This is going to be another humble moment, isn’t it?

Indeed it is, my friends! Lindsay relates a story about her sons in which they committed to karate classes, but then lost the motivation to continue attending partway through the year. She encouraged them to persevere, because it is important to finish out our commitments, but also because the classes and discipline enforced therein were beneficial for their physical health and moral character. They may not realize this as they sit sulkily in the car on the way to class, but it is the case nonetheless.

“Just like my children, I fail to see the bigger picture. I’d rather stew in my frustrations than extend forgiveness when I’m hurt … the little things in my life can seem as if they don’t have a place in the larger story of salvation. I imagine that to me they are infuriating, but that Jesus doesn’t care about them. He’s got bigger fish to fry, and my details are insignificant, unimportant. The Cross is one thing; my life is another.” (p. 13)

Lindsay makes the excellent point that God uses *everything* for good, even the minor challenges and annoyances in our lives! We too do not need to sulk about our frustration with the fact that certain things in our lives are not turning out the way that we planned.

“When through his grace I choose to be obedient to his call, the discipline I undertake prepares me for further challenges.” (p. 13)

I absolutely love this conclusion! When things outside of our control swoop in to dash our plans to smithereens, we can either wallow in our own bad temper, or we can choose to trust in God’s plan for our lives, and discipline ourselves to take the correct and logical course of action, as directed by the moral compass of our faith. We need to do this on a daily basis, but on a larger scale, Lindsay points out that Advent and Lent are excellent opportunities to grow in discipline and obedience. Our Blessed Mother can be our guide during these times as we try to grow in character and holiness!

In chapters 3 and 4, containing lessons on “On Accepting Our Crosses” and “On the Power of Prayer,” Lindsay shares her own personal and painful experience with pregnancy loss. She and her husband lost their unborn child to miscarriage, and the emotional toll on both of them was understandably significant. As our parenting cue for chapter 3 instructs, “No One Said it Would be Fair.” Indeed, life is not always fair, and at times, it can be difficult to bear. When something tragic happens to ourselves or someone we love, it is easy to let hurt and anger reign in our hearts.

“Holiness is determined not by which cards you’re dealt, but by how you choose to play your hand.” (p. 26)

Instead of dwelling in our own devastation, we can choose to move forward in love. This is never going to be easy, nor is it something we’re likely to succeed at with 100% accuracy, but it is what will ultimately bring us peace and healing.

“… fairness isn’t what we need. Love is what we need. Often that means taking action, making things happen, and serving others.” (p. 28)

Prayer should be our constant companion during times of great turmoil, and Lindsay recommends St. Anthony as our intercessor in the communion of saints when we find this task difficult. As the patron of lost things, he can help us to find again our hope and faith in the Lord. This is brilliant; I love St. Anthony in this variation on his role!

Finally, Lindsay leads us through a lesson on caring for our bodies. It is important to “Eat Your Dinner”! As parents, we tend to neglect our own needs when we are caring for others. We should not lose sight, however, of the fact that caring for our own nourishment and physical wellness is not mere vanity. It is a way to strengthen ourselves and allow our bodies to do what they were meant to do.

“When I changed what I was putting in, I changed what I was giving out. I was more patient with the kids and happier in my own skin.” (p. 42)

Serving others is another way of drawing closer to God. In order to serve most effectively, we need to take care of ourselves. St. John Paul II can be our guide in this, as he wrote extensively on the Theology of the Body. He is the perfect intercessor for our own need for physical wellness!

Instead of dwelling in our own devastation, we can choose to move forward in love. -@TifWalsh Click To Tweet

To Ponder, Reflect, and Discuss:

What are some ways that we can be proactive in preventing our own mental distractions at Mass, and thus more clearly listen for God’s voice?

Have you had an instance of redemptive suffering in your life in which you grew spiritually following a tragedy? How does this instance compare with a situation in which you were unable to accept a cross in your life?

In what ways can physical nourishment be an active prayer of thanksgiving for our physical form?

Next week, we’ll cover Chapters 6 through 10. For the complete reading schedule and information about our Book Club, visit the Book Club page.

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