#and i didn't want to keep crying every single time i was in church so there' that to think about lol

[argeriant18]

Weird thought but don't you find it cool and oddly fitting that Susan is gifted a horn. The whole point of it is that once you use it then help will always come to her. It's oddly fitting and quite foreshadowing as well, knowing that she's the one who strays from the path of Narnia. But also it's a bittersweet and hopeful thought because she should be willing to receive help. She can never come back to Narnia until she resolves her feelings about it within herself. And once she has that peace in herself, she can then seek out Narnia. Like an old verse: seek and you will find, I think that the horn operates on that level too: help will come to her, they will find her, so long as she is willing to call out and receive that help.

[babiesdreams]

jaehyun, best friends to lover, so much fluff, hugging, etc (based on my dreams) then one of them confessed. no angst just so much fluff and smut, corruption kink, size kink, choking, virgin reader, dom jaehyun

Omg YES.

My best friend +18 Jeong Jaehyun

Warnings: Virgin fem! reader, corruption kink, size kink, choking, nipple clamps, dom! Jaehyun

The soft melody of the song played in the background, filling the room with a quite distinctive mood. You had known Jaehyun for a long time now. He's been there for you in your darkest moments and you were convinced you were the only person besides his mother to ever see him cry. He had always protected you from the world, taking a rather brotherly attitude around you. You didn't mind it, even after being madly, and secretly, in love with him years ago.

His fingers were carressing your forearm, you both were laying on his bed looking at the ceiling as if it was a starry night full of secrets to unfold. He calls your name softly, to what you answer with a low hum. "Do you like the song?" He asks and yo suddenly remember how he'd been begging for you to listen to it but he had to actually play it in front of you for it to happen. "It's totally my style" You admit with a smile. He sits up and turns to look at you.

"See I told you. You never listen to me, but I am always right" You roll your eyes. "I wouldn't say always" You say in a sarcastic tone with a smirk. His brow raises at your bluntness. "Oh yeah?" His hands reach for your tummy and he starts tickling you. It is so sudden that you cannot avoid the loud laughter to come out of you.

"Stop" You say in between laughs. Your hands reach for his, making him fall over you when you pull them away from your belly. He stops himself from actually laying his whole body weight on you. His dark eyes stare deeply into yours and for the first time in years, you feel like your heart is beating just so that you can keep looking at him for longer.

He pauses, seemingly contemplating the deepest secrets of he world. Unable to speak a word nor move an inch. You open your mouth to say something but he's faster. "I love you" He whispers. All your thoughts get brushed away like dust on an old bookbeing blown away by a soft blow. You remain silent, trying to process the three simple words that repeat themselves in your head. He loves you. He loves me. You think.

His eyes look desperately for a sign of a share feeling inside your heart. He starts moving away from you. "I'm sorry... I" He starts explaining while sitting on the edge of the bed. You stay in your position, wondering how much longer would it take for you to fing the strength in your voice and say something. "I don't want things to change. I love you... as a friend." He keeps explaining himself in a monologue that seems to be a complete strange piece to the one you're living.

"Me too" You finally whisper. The sound is so subtle that Jaehyun keeps on going with his endless speech of how his love can be shaped into a strange form of friendship. "I love you too" You say now loudly. His words stop suddenly, he looks at you with suspicion. "If you're saying this to make me feel better..." He starts again and you let out a loud sigh. "I love you from the moment I laid my eyes on you. Ever since you held my hand for the first time I have imagined you holding it while we walk outside a church after getting married. I want you to hold my hand until life floads away from one of us. I love you"

Softly tears start dripping down your eyes. His hands cup your cheek wiping the tears of with his thumbs. There's a silent that makes you feel uneasy. Had you gone too far? "All I ever wanted" He whispers. "All I ever tried was to fulfill every single one of your desires, and for a while I was lost. I didn't know what you truly wanted. But now that I know.... Now that you've told me" He pauses for a second.

The tension stops your heart and time seems to be paralysed as well. His right hand moves from your cheek to your hand. "I'll never let go of your hand" He whispers with a smile. His hand feels gigantic holding yours. You knew, of course, he was taller than you but it had never crossed your mind how big his hands were as well. You stare at it, lifting your hand slowly.

"Are you comparing your hand with mine?" He asks with a cute chuckle. "How come it is so big?" You ask giggling. "Well, because I am big" He replies with a isn't it obvious kind of tone. "Not that big. You are deformed" You say jockingly. "Deformed?" He asks with a lifted brow. You look at him with a smirk on your face, he smiles as well as if he knew exactly what you were going to say.

"Remember what I taught you quasimodo. You are deformed" You say imitating the movie's line. "I am deformed" He replies with a loud laugh. You laugh with him and after a few seconds the silence returns. He looks into your eyes with a rather serious expression. His left hand lifts your chin slightly. It takes him a low squat to reach your lips. When he does, you close your eyes. His lips are soft and gentle guiding you into a slow dance. You lay your hands on the back of his neck.

There's a moment when you swear you're completely unable to breathe, and your heart completely stops. In all this years you had never imagined you'd get to experience a moment like this with him. His lips part from yours, forehead laid over yours. His breaths are heavy and messy. Horror suddenly washes over you when you realize he's needy. "Jaehyun I'm..." You try to explain your lack of experience but he interrupts you. "I know" He grunts.

He stays silent for a moment, only staring into your eyes. "You don't have to" He says and you instantly respond "I want to" He takes a deep breath trying to calm himself down. "I'll be gentle" He whispers but you shake your head. "We both know that's not what you like" As scary as it was for you, Jaehyun was really open about his sexual practices and they were far from gentle.

"It's your first time. I want you to enjoy it" He mutters. You look into his eyes and reply. "I want you to enjoy it too" He chuckles lightly. "I'm not saying we'll do a hardcore session or whatever it's called, but we can try some of the things you like. I might enjoy them as well" you reassure him with a gentle smile. He nods in agreement. "You will have a safe word though"

"I'll just ask you to stop if I need to" He shakes his head while his fingers fix your hair. "You can't use stop as a safe word" His statement confuses you. "Why?" You ask genuenly curious. "Because you'll say stop without really meaning it. It happens all the time" Your eyes stare into his confused. "Just use red" You nod without further questioning, since he's the experienced one.

He grabs your hand tightly guiding you towards his cabinet. He opens up the second drawer and a whole display of whips, gags and all sorts of torture devices overwhelms you instantly. He notices pretty quickly and closes it. His hand reaches for the handle of the third drawer and opens it.

This time the devices are more subtle. You identify most of them from conversations exchanged with him in the past. Some plugs and toys that you were told worked wonders on other ladies. "I..." You start to say, still unsure of what you're getting into. "There is no need truly" He assures you with a soft mutter. "I'll take these" You say grabbing a couple of chained clamps.

He lets out a chuckle. "You don't know what those are for" He says grabbing them from your hands. "Then teach me" You answer stopping his hands fro putting them away. His eyes fix on yours considering whether it is a good decision or not. "Teach me" You repeat.

He takes a clamp on each hand. He opens the right one and puts it on your fingertip. It is not as tight of a grip you imagined. It's rather soft and gentle. He drags his hand along the chain, softly pulling from it. The pressure applied by the device shifts along your finger as it moves until it is pulled all the way off your finger. His eyes don't leave yours at all.

"Did it hurt?" He asks softly, you shake your head in response. "Do you remember your safe word?" He asks while pulling down the sleeve of your dress. "Red" You whisper, suddenly lacking a great deal of air. When the fabric folds over, carressing your naked nipple you gasp. His hand goes back to the clamp, repeating his actions, only this time it grips your nipple instead of your finger.

The sensitivity is clearly shiften. Now you can feel every nerve of the area reacting to the pressure. Although there's some initial pain, slight though, it quickly gets overpowered by pleasure. You bite your lips when his hand starts pulling from the chain. This time you moan when he finishes. He stays quiet, almost too proud to admit he was wrong by supposing you were not ready.

His hand completely removes the dress from you, exposing you almost entirely. This time he does not hesitate to put both of the clamps on your nipples. "Let's test your endurance" He mutters to himself "What?" You ask as he walks away from you and back to the bed. He taps his lap, signing you to join him.

You climb onto the bed and look at him, intrigued. "Why did you open the second drawer first?" You ask genuenly curious. "I should have started from the bottom" He admits with a smile. "What's on the last one?"

"Just condoms" He replies while carressing your hair. "And what's on the first one?" You ask with a hint of horror. "You're not ready for that one" He says with a straight voice. "I want to know..."

"Curiosity killed the cat you know?" He asks raising a brow. "You'll know, when you're ready" He assures right after. "I'm more capable than you think" You reply and in response he pulls from the chain, taking the clamps off in a quick and sudden move. You let out a high-pitched scream. He stays still, waiting to see your reaction.

You grab his hands and guide him towards your body again, but he drops the clamps, limiting himself to carressing your soft skin. He lifts you and drops you right beside him just to climb over you right after. He starts tracing down your belly with his tongue. His arms spread your leg before he reaches your underwear.

His tongue wets the fabric by drawing circles over your clit. You look at him, deeply wishing the fabric would simply dissapear and, just as if he could read your mind, he rips the underwear off with his hand. He moves his tongue skillfully, passing over every inch of your wetness. There's a moment you feel your high growing inside of you, but he stops right before you could reach it.

He removes his clothes in what seems like a glimpse. It happens really quick, his length getting inside of you, the pleasure building up, his breaths carressing you like a soft wind blow. There's a feeling that takes over you, that forces you to move his hand towards your neck. He looks at you before applying pressure. It is a mix of completely new feelings, there's some sort of fear that disguises itself with lust and deep down there's a need. A need that grows stronger with every thrust until you finally let go, shaking under his figure.

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Masterlist –requests open– How to request?

[d1s1ntegrated]

basilica

tomura shigaraki

cw: religious trauma, religious motifs/themes/imagery, catholicism, defiling of the church, angst, hurt, slightly ooc

a/n: just a short angry religious trauma post drabble bc i'm feeling a type of way rn and it kinda sucks lol. sorry for projecting this onto u tomura i love u

try reading with the song! it adds a layer to the writing i feel honestly is kind of important

Tomura wanted to cry. Wanted to scream in anguish, beg and plead for a miracle or a sign from a God, any God. But the pews of the rotted church served little to sanctify him as he crumbled each one with an angry fist. Shaking fingertips dug into the deep grooves in the mahogany and crumbled them into forgotten prayers. Scattered pages of proverbs and psalms littered the marbled tiles, and the sun rays twinkled in through the ornate stained glass, reminding him just how small he was against the hands of God. There was no God here- only Him, and He alone could stand the tides of change with a battering ram for a heartbeat. It hurt, it hurt so badly, to be forgotten and known all at the same time. Who was he? Tenko Shimura, the sweetened cherub boy, with scraped kneecaps and bruised elbows? No, never. It was a dream, a softened hymn that only time knew the words to. Now he stood, an adult in the eyes of society- though his body never felt quite big enough to be- Tomura Shigaraki. A man, a disciple of the Feared One, a machine created to destroy. And destroy he would. Starting here.

He didn't believe in God. He didn't follow the practice of any one religion, especially not the Catholic Church. Hell, the fact that there was even a church to find out here was a one in a million shot- they weren't exactly few and far between in the cities, but the Catholic population in Japan was a small decimal compared to Shintoism or Secularism. But for this moment, he felt it was best to be in here. A lot of western media he had consumed over the years painted church and Christianity as some all-consuming Light, like this is where miracle happened. Well, the only miracle here was that Tomura even set foot inside.

Every step pressed another layer of dust into the deep red runner up to the sanctuary. The altar remained pristine as he caught his breath, his throat tight and dry. The sound of his thumping heart swelled in his ears and head, the pressure reminiscent to being underwater. Looking up, the height of the cathedral shrank him down to atoms. It felt like a mockery. Like even God was reminding him he was small.

Small. Tiny. Pitiful.

Each word of arrogance against him made his blood turn darker, thinner, rushing through his veins as he grasped at the elegant pillars, dragging himself to the ground with a gasping cry, so that he fell to his knees at the altar rails, his tired bloody eyes locking with the adorned chancel, and the poignant, giant statue of the Son, hung plainly in front as if to scream "I'm here, too".

He felt more alone at this revelation, that human faithlessness was so overlooked because of sin, that people like him weren't meant to be here not because of their trouble finding faith, but for their lack of it. That he too would be damned because he chose not to find light in God, and instead found his own way of safety through destruction and chaos and everything Sensei had taught him. His own scripture, signed in viscera, torn at the edges. It wasn't his fault no one taught him to believe, but it was damn sure his fault he didn't seek it for himself- and he felt it, now, as Mother Mary's half-lidded gaze held above his wakened frame as if he were a pestilence on this world that God created.

Was he in the wrong for keeping his head low? Should he hang it high, be grateful for the hands that supposedly formed him and molded him? This, Tomura knew, was the entire reason behind his aversion to faith. Because he needed someone to listen, and not a single ear fell for him. Not even Sensei cared enough to listen to his alleged son, his pride and joy as some called it. He felt neither prideful or joyous when face to face with him, instead it was a sinking, sorrowful feeling, that could best be described as grief. Grief for his old life, or for the new one he failed to perfect for himself, his Sensei, his friends- try as he might, he was just so small here, and could do only so much.

Church was a last-ditch effort to feel something. Anything. His time was low, and the unfortunate arms of fate were every turning and chiming, reminding him that his goal was only so far. It was seconds away, he felt as he could reach out and grasp it- but he was too well trained, he knew better than to reach out to the things he really wanted, in fear he would destroy it all in the blink of an eye. Not even Gods hands could hold him now, though, as he pretended to pray for one last chance.

His hands pressed into the cold tile and he felt the ground beneath him rumble, his body quaking and splintering in wretchedness, the power lifting him entirely. The pure white turned a murky grey as they shattered and cracked under him, the giant spires atop the roof even quivered at the desolation. And as he screamed, as his throat burned in anger, poor Mother Mary fell to the ground from her pedestal, an ironic display. The caricature of fallen angel, in the house of God, airing his grievances to no one but marble and blood wine, he stood. Destroying it all.

Not in the name of God, but the name of Tomura Shigaraki. Because there was no God that could ever come close to being this angry.

[iamthecomet]

I don't know if anyone's said it yet- but someone should write about aether being like "okay guys im retiring!" and everyone is just like "you're WHAT"

You didn't actually ask for angst, but it's what you get. Specifically Dew Angst. Under the cut.

The words don't register right away. Dew feels a little like he's underwater. Like all those days spent on the bottom of the lake as a water ghoul listening to people show his name from the surface. Garbled. Distorted. Gibberish.

He hears them, sure. But they don't mean anything because they're not possible. Not real. Dew would be stupid to think all of this would last forever. He's had half of his pack retire--vanish--before. He's been through it.

But Aether? No. Aether, Mountain and Dew were summoned one right after the other. They have stuck together through every single thing the church has thrown at them. They lost their papa together, helped a new one rise. They have been a team. A unit. The back bone of the pack and now--

"You're abandoning us." Dew hears himself say. He's talking over someone--Rain maybe? but he can't hear that over the roaring in his own ears.

Aether turns violet eyes over to Dew, his brows knit together. Dew knows the look too well--pity, concern, gentle compassion that Dew can't take as anything except being talked down to. It feels like his skin is too tight all of a sudden. Like he wants to crawl out of himself and away from this, from here, from the truth.

"I'm not leaving the Abbey, Dew."

Dew doesn't have anything to say to that. He wants to ask a thousand questions. They rattle through his mind on repeat. Mostly, he just wants to know how he's suppose to do any of this without Aether by his side.

First Sunshine going off to work at another Abbey. Now Aeth staying home. Retiring. Dew feels adrift.

He pushes himself off of the couch and walks out of the common room without another word. The rest of the conversation reaches him in pieces. Understanding from Cirrus and Cumulus, questions from Swiss. Silence from Mountain. Encouragement from Rain. Dew drags himself to his room.

He doesn't allow himself to think about it. Tries not to. Tries not to think of endless bus rides with an empty seat next to him. Or worse, one filled with someone else. He didn't even think to ask about that. Finds he doesn't particularly care who steps in to Aether's role--whoever it is, they won't be Aether.

He doesn't know how long he paces around his room, following a familiar path already worn into the hardwood from years of doing this. Hands behind his back. Spine so straight it aches. Back and forth across the floor in front of his cold fireplace. If he stands still for too long reality sinks down on him like stones. He keeps walking. Watches the moon rise and silver light slide into his room, over his mess of a bed.

It's stupid, he thinks, to feel betrayed like this when everyone else just takes it like it's normal--expected. To get hung up on it. Aether could have really left--like Ifrit. He isn't. He'll work in the infirmary. He'll be here waiting when Dew gets home exhausted and sore.

He will still be Dew's lighthouse. Nothing can change that.

He feels empty anyway. Hollowed out. Everything behind his ribs scraped clean and made numb. Some childish part of him wants him to run down the hall, to bust down Aether's door and beg. To cry at his feet, face in his thighs to take it back. To not do this to him. And no matter how many times he tells himself that Aether will still be here it doesn't matter.

Because he won't be there. With Dew. To wick away exhaustion and headaches. To bully him into a corner after a show. To wrap his arms around him from behind and hold him. To braid his hair while Dew drifts off to sleep in a lumpy hotel bed. In those moments where Dew feels like he needs him the most--he'll be here. Home. A book, or a guitar, or a mug of tea in his hands.

Alone.

The knock on the door is expected. Dew's been waiting for him without realizing it. Knowing the way this works--knowing Aether in a thousand unspoken ways that makes up what they mean to each other.

Aether doesn't wait for Dew to answer. The door cracks open. Aether slips in, closes it behind him. He leans against it as Dew freezes mid-step.

"You're going to be ok, Firefly." Aether whispers. Like he knows every secret thing in Dew's head. Like he can translate the indecipherable screaming happening inside the walls of his skull.

Dew looks at him. Swallows the burning in his throat, the lump building there. He wants to tell Aether to leave. To fuck off.

Instead, he throws himself into Aether's arms. Fingers digging hard into the back of his neck as he drags him close. Pressing his face into Aether's neck. Breathing. Like enough deep breaths will be enough to keep this scent with him. Like he can bottle it and save it for his loneliest moments.

If he talks, he'll lose it. He knows it. Already flayed open, raw like an exposed nerve he can only shake his head. Press tighter against the cool comfort of Aether's body. He'd climb inside of him if he could. Live there. Stay there. Keep Aether with him always.

"You are," Aether says, a promise. He slips his fingers into Dew's hair and tugs, just a little, enough to dislodge Dew from his neck so they actually have to look at each other.

Dew founders. Fingers clenching against Aether's shoulder. Body screaming, shaking. He feels panic well up within him and before he even has time to register it, it's dropping away under the gentle guidance of Aether's quintessence.

"Don't do that, Dew. You don't need me for this."

Dew tips his head. He feels the break coming, the part where he dissolves, comes undone. Where all of the things he's warring with win.

Aether cups his jaw, drags his thumb over his cheekbone, across tears Dew didn't realize were falling.

"What do you mean I don't need you?" he spits. "I've never done it without you."

Dew half expects more platitudes. Some more of Aether's always optimistic bullshit about how he'll be here when he gets back. How he can call him any time. How everything will be fine he just has to get used to it.

Instead, Aether just pulls him back into the cool embrace of his body, holds him tight enough that it makes Dew's ribs ache. He leans his head against Dew's, nuzzling their horns together as he does, dragging his nose into Dew's hair and inhaling like he wants to hold onto Dew's scent too, inject it under his skin to savor. Like he knows that soon, they'll both be foundering at sea, searching for a lighthouse that's too far away to light up the horizon.

"I'll miss you too, firefly."

[queen-of-obsessing]

i'm extremely uncomfortable with the way judas is being portrayed this season. (lil vent post)

obviously spoilers for all of season 4. and also i haven't seen the season in its entirety yet, this is just based on what my friend has told me and the leaked scenes i've seen. also also this is only talking about show!Judas, as he's being portrayed by the writers, not the bible version, becauseee we know nothing about that one.

i just watched one of the leaked clips from season 4 (because the stupid chosen team hasn't put it on streaming yet), and i'm acc crying rn. like irl. real tears. i'm so choked up, i feel physically ill, and not for any good reasons. this isn't gonna be one of those "oh wow i'm literally sobbing this show is so good 😍" type posts.

i feel sick.

seeing judas just claw and scramble for any sort of positive attention from the disciples around him is sickening. every single time he brings up an idea for how he can positively help the ministry and use his skills (the only way he knows how to coming from a business background), the others just shoot him down. you can see how hard he's trying to win their validation and find some sort of footing within the group and nothing is working.

and zee just compares him to dirty laundry? like to be able to be part of the twelve he has to ditch every single aspect of his life?? THE LIFE THAT PROBABLY SAVED HIM FROM BEING A DESTITUTE ORPHAN. I wouldn't be surprised if Hadad was the one that took him in after his parents died and taught him business skills. It's how he sees the world!!! it's how he was taught to see the world!!

yet no one ever takes any time to see his perspective or give him any chance to meaningfully contribute. he's just this permanent outsider, trying to get in but never ever being fully in. everyone just keeps speaking in cryptic riddles, talking about prophecies and nothing Jesus says makes any sense either, and now even Jesus is rebuking him. judas is probably completely lost and confused by the time we get to episode 8 of season 4.

and it's really uncomfortable to watch.

as someone who grew up in the church, and also saw the world in a very different way from everyone else, I've also experienced what judas is experiencing. desperately clawing for some sort of place in the church AND NOTHING WORKING. I haven't been to church in nearly a year because everytime i tried, i just didn't fit. they didn't want me, i always felt perpetually on the outside of the circle.

on top of that, i'm 99% sure i'm autistic, so like judas, i see the world very logically. i like to have things told in a very straightforward way, and think in very material concepts (for him it's money). But the "Christianese" never made any sense to me. I never understood it. So I spent my days in the church perpetually alone, never fitting in and never fully understanding who I was even supposed to be believing in because nobody took the time to explain it to me in a way I could understand, but vaguely knowing that I wanted to believe in something.

I believe Judas wanted to believe in Jesus, and did believe in Him, but never fully understood why.

...and then he dies. I'm still wondering how the show is going to handle the lead up to his betrayal, but I'm going to assume continually being rejected by the other disciples had something to do with it.

and you know what else is really sick about all this? Jesus fully knowing that Judas was going to betray Him and kill himself. and he just...lets it happen. like he's some sort of sacrificial scapegoat. it makes me so mad??

i could rant about this for hours but yea. i'll just leave this here. Dallas you have so much fking explaining to do. i dread watching this season...

[spid3namy]

Girlllll I crave nsfw Cartman hcs

Just hear me out!! HEAR ME OUT BABES

YENTL X READER X RABBI CARTMAN NSFW HCS PLEEEEEEASE NO ONE EVER WRITES THAT!!! No one even writes for Yentl and I adore her 💕💕

✶ YENTL + RABBI CARTMAN NSFW HEADCANONS

𓇼 they are def like that one couple where one is OVERLY rough and the other is OVERLY soft

𓇼 cartman is the kinky one. yentl is also kinky but not as much as cartman is

𓇼 during sex, yentl is def the type to like check in on your like every five minutes just to make sure you're okay

𓇼 cartman, on the other hand, doesn't give a fuck. as long as you're not using a safe word, he does NOT give a fuck about what's going on with you

𓇼 yentl def has a mommy kink. call her mommy and she will LITERALLY lose herself.

𓇼 cartman and you both call yentl mommy just cus.

𓇼 cartman enjoys it when yentl pegs him. that's all

𓇼 yentl sometimes like to watch when you and cartman have sex.

𓇼 you are ALWAYS pressed up against the two when having sex. yentl usually takes the front while cartman takes the back. sometimes they switch.

𓇼 yentl is more of the romantic type of lover. cartman is just an asshole (real) and doesn't care.

𓇼 on the OFF occasion, cartman will both you and yentl to fuck him in the ass. only sometimes though. it's to keep his dignity (which he doesn't have)

𓇼 yentl has walked in on you and cartman having sex without her multiple times. she doesn't even get mad though, she kinda just likes watches before leaving to get food and water for the both of you for whenever you get done.

𓇼 cartman oddly likes to watch you and yentl kiss.

𓇼 okay so i know i said cartman was like the kinky one and you would THINK he's the one doing the dirty talk and stuff but no, incorrect. you're stupid if you think that (this is a joke pls don't hate me), yentl does all the degrading and dirty talk. she's actually great at it too.

𓇼 cartman loves leaving marks. he's got that possessive bf energy about him.

𓇼 both have a praise kink. cartman has a degrading kink as well though. you and yentl use that to your advantage every time.

𓇼 yentl is one to cry after cumming. like every single time. without fail.

𓇼 cartman is the one who cleans you both up. during sex, he doesn't give a fuck. but AFTER sex is a totally different thing. he's very kind and considerate after sex.

𓇼 i know yentl and cartman HAVE kids but like BEFORE they existed, he would practically cry and BEG yentl to have his children because you said you didn't want to have children put in your body.

𓇼 ya'll have def gotten caught having sex in public.

𓇼 yentl likes it when you and cartman call her pretty. it makes her feel good. ESPECIALLY if she had bought lingerie to wear for the night.

𓇼 cartman likes to put whipped cream on your body so him and yentl can lick it off. he thinks it's romantic.

𓇼 yentl def puts a collar around your neck if she's in charge. like if cartman is gone for like a church thing or something and you're horny, she'll put a leash on you and make you act like a dog.

𓇼 cartman is into biting. that's all i have to say about that.

𓇼 yentl will wear bright red lipstick to leave marks on both you and cartman. just cus why not.

𓇼 you get spoiled 24/7 by them both. during and after sex, they will def spoil you.

𓇼 cartman likes it when you cry, it makes him even hornier than he was before.

𓇼 yentl likes it when you moan her name or call her mommy. it makes her feel happy and she'll give you kisses for it.

𓇼 there has def been a time when cartman was jealous of yentl being so sweet and kind to you while during sex that he ended up fucking you until you couldn't walk. he had no shame about it either.

𓇼 yentl and cartman sometimes have sex when you're gone. then they tell you about it in full detail when they see you.

𓇼 you three have def fucked in the church that cartman works at just cus you wanted to.

𓇼 yentl is the one who cleans the sheets and clothes off the bed while cartman gives you a bath. you give them both kisses and cuddle with them afterwards.

𓇼 yentl has def accidentally bitten you while giving you head cus cartman was teasing her and she was trying to yell at him.

𓇼 yentl and cartman have angry sex often. with or without you there. it's kinda their thing (cus cartman is annoying sometimes)

𓇼 and after your long night of great sex, you three always fall asleep cuddling. until yentl kicks you both off the bed in the middle of the night.

i was lowkey procrastinating on this but i hope you liked it!! this is the first time i have written headcanons for yentl (lowkey i forgot she even existed) so i'm hoping you enjoyed it babes. if you want more headcanons for south park characters, you know you can ask me and i'll do them for you fr.

[parasprite]

so last night i dreamed i was an actor in a horror movie and the concept was: a country club type of place where everyone worshipped a mysterious entity that communicated with them using label-maker labels. basically giving church of scientology, very rich cult. the entity eats people. everyone hung out in this country club restaurant all day waiting for the entity to order its meal and they were all very nervous because they wanna keep this thing satisfied.

the movie was kinda like don't hug me i'm scared in that it was a mix of cartoony cute puppety characters and uncomfortably detailed gore. every person who was killed for food and turned into a meal became an actual plate of spaghetti or sausages with googly eyes. they become a plate of food but remain a sentient being basically, conscious the entire time. the food is always very happy to be food, always smiling. like willing sacrifices to the entity but also just being a meal is exhilarating to them

so anyways i was playing a very shy minor character who was working as a dishwasher or busboy or something like that at the restaurant. i'm a new guy who doesn't know the deal. and the entity wants something new and it wants to eat me. i'm terrified and protest strongly and beg not to be eaten but the kitchen manager who is kinda giving benson from regular time is so stressed and under pressure that he threatens to kill me sooner if i refuse. i have to eat tons of food without stopping like they set me up in a corner and i have to eat every single kitchen scrap and leftover the restaurant produces so i get fat enough to feed the monster. they're feeding me like stale pretzels and cupcakes and stuff but then i start to realise i'm eating spaghetti and meatballs and sausages that used to be people. it was awesome i was acting my fucking heart out for this movie. the thing was my character was also a big cute fluffy blue troll boy with mitten hands (i was in costume but it didn't feel like it). and as i was cry-eating and they dumped another pile of food in front of me i was just thinking to myself Zamn i hope when this movie comes out my one mutual who loves cannibalism and feederism sees it cause they'd dig this

so how does it end... after days of being stuffed like this lil fluffy blue troll escapes the cult in the night. ends up hiding out in a library with a few troll college friends studying there. and the entity, hungry, starts to Reach Into Our World to find me and it's slowly reducing all my troll friends to miserable piles of organs with googly eyes begging for death and i know it's looking for me. and then in the climax it finds me and gazes into my face and in a lovecraftian way it beams the blinding power of the sun directly into my brain and im like screaming and my eyes go white and stuff. I'm a cute fluffy blue troll the whole time btw. and it was maybe the best horror film ever not made. and i won an oscar for it

[daisysiete]

04/24/2023

Today, my best friend, Walbert, passed the Bar Exam.

The year is 2010. I transferred to a different high school. This sudden change in environment had been rough for my family and me. Having gotten used to the busy city life, adjusting to the province life was like feeling struck by lightning. It was all so painful and so sudden. My life changed *snap* just like that. I cried every single day. My mom knew me so well that she knew I wouldn't want to transfer schools, so she enrolled me there without my knowledge, and for a time, I hated her. Young and naive, I didn't realize how much it affected my mom, who lived 8052.78 km away from me (I googled it). She took it harder than me, and it was when I got older that I learned how strong she was and that she was doing the best she could at that time, and I still cry every time I think about how ungrateful I was. Each day I cherish her more and more, and I promise to honor her until I take my last breath. I'm proud to be her daughter, and I want to raise my kids like I was raised by a single mom who has lived as an OFW for almost 15 years.

It was my father's hometown. I despise him to my core. For as long as I can remember, I blamed him. He was the reason why my mom had to work overseas. He was why I needed to leave my friends in the city and move to this sad little town. Everything in his tiny hometown reminded me of him. He was highly favored during his prime. He was a handsome student (who looked like Goma according to all his relatives) with honors who played sports and served the church actively. He played Chess and Scrabble and was good at them, too. Like me, he was also a journalist who loved to write, draw, and take pictures. He was also an artist who, as I remember, was my first art teacher. Most of his relatives lived on the same block, and I stayed in the same house he grew up in. Each day as I wake up, I see his graduation picture hanging on the wall and think, "How can you smile like that and ruin my life like this?"

Malita was a small town where everybody knew everybody. The high school where I enrolled was the same school he spent all his, too. My teachers were his, too. And in the back of my mind, no matter how much I didn't want it, I knew, in a way, I was his, too.

Little by little, I took my place in this sad little hometown. I learned to accept how much this place reminded me of him and make the most out of it. But as the years passed, I learned to love this little hometown because of the people I met during my stay.

My high school best friends. Walbert. Iya. FK. You made everything bearable until the day it didn't hurt as much anymore.

You saved me.

Thirteen years later, I still can't believe we're still in each other's lives. FK is now a teacher and planning to enter the seminary soon. Iya is now a licensed doctor who lives by the saying, "Serve His people." Today, we celebrate as Walbert passes the bar exam.

As cliché as it may sound, everything truly happens for a reason. Now that I'm older and hopefully a little wiser, I can finally say I'm thankful I got to experience high school in that sad little town because if not, I wouldn't be able to have this chance to know these amazing people who continuously inspire me to do my best each day as I strive to be an architect.

How much good did I bring to the world in my past lives that the universe strung our paths together and made us inseparable since the day we met?

Now, as I finish my cup of Caramel Macchiato, I can't help but smile as I reminisce about the first few years we spent together in high school in my father's sad little hometown. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I know we'll continue to be each others' rocks as we go on this journey together. I'll cherish our friendship and keep it close to my heart.

Thank you, Walbert, Iya, and FK, for being my source of strength all these years.

[kaleuh]

the reason we have family photos

this is the first time anything like this has ever happened to us. my family has always been in very good health, save for a few heart issues here and there. i expected there to be more crying. there was crying, but it was mostly...talking. half the time it wasn't even about him. we talked about recipes, pets, law degrees, All Creatures Great and Small, J.R.R. Tolkien's devout Christianity, the aunt we don't talk about, James Michener, Holden Caulfield, animal hoarding, slicing a cupcake in half and spreading the icing in the middle like a sandwich, how grandma keeps every flavor of tea that everyone likes in the house, and Don Quijote.

"i wanna sweep the garage"

"why?"

"it just feels like the thing to do"

and i watched her bravely get on both feet, and scuffle over to the garage. my poor grandmother. everyone followed her (as it felt like the thing to do) and my uncle took the lead, taking the broom and starting to sweep. then my grandma got indignant over having her own task taken from her, so she took the broom from him and started to sweep. then she got a phone call, so my cousin took the broom from her and started to sweep. then my cousin wanted to go and make tea for everyone, so she handed me the broom and i started to sweep, because when someone dies, you don't ask questions and you just sweep the garage.

then, it started to feel like a weird holiday. like thanksgiving, or someone's birthday, but warped. we started to take out the photo albums. all by him. every single event recorded in this family had been created and put in an album by him. From the 1970's to now. It was rare to see him standing in front of his camera, and you'd have to convince him to position himself in a family photo. i always thought it was maybe because he didn't like pictures of himself, but grandma says he just liked taking pictures of everyone else more. he took 30 years to propose to his wife. he had a stack of samurai jack dvds in his apartment. he also wrote, like me.

last week when my grandma turned 90, we had a party unlike anything we've ever had, and we each took turns telling stories - he did too. He ordered an Old Fashioned, and had a great time with every single family member. Everyone. Then a few days later, he went to church and was blessed by the very deacon who'd married him. Then, a few days later, he died.

The strangest and most beautiful thing of all was the package my grandma had gotten in the mail. He'd signed her up to receive a monthly book of Catholic Blessings. She took this as him sending a sign, that everything was all okay; that he was where he was meant to be, in the thereafter of everything.

I think if I ordered an Old Fashioned, had a big party with all my loved ones, got blessed, and then went home to the mountains with my wife, i would let everyone know that everything was okay too.

[aphroditescraft]

The Start

Growing up I always felt different from other people, I felt alien to say the least. I was mocked for being too feminine and mocked when I tried to be more masculine. I never really felt like I belonged with anyone, and this left me with an incurable emptiness. I truly felt like I couldn't ever find where I should belong. I tried my hardest to keep my head up but as I got older, I found shelter in myself and my hobbies it was very lonely for a long time. My father was a pastor and to be a young child confused about their place in life I was only ever told to pray on it and try to connect with God. I watched people cry during church service, like they truly were experiencing love for the first time, and I just could never feel that.

I thought that God...or rather the love and unity that was promised to Christians would never find me that I'd never find the belonging I so desperately sought after. When I was 19 the sadness bubbled up to a point that I couldn't hide it anymore. I tried my hardest to be the person I was always asked to be, time marched on and no quick fix was working...I felt the only way to remedy this was to abandon religion and live for myself. I stowed away in my little corner and began working on myself...I went to therapy I got on medication...I did everything right, but I still felt lost. I soon realized that the core of my problem was not that I never belonged with certain people it was that I never felt that I belonged to myself. I began my transition and I felt like pieces of myself were finally falling back together. The broken mosaic that life chipped away was becoming a filled in picture.

Life got better but not where I felt like it should be, I realized that I had no... spiritual connection to the world around me. I knew I didn't want to return to Christianity, so I delved into the world of theology. I learned about all different beliefs and practices.

Years went by and I never found something that gave me that feeling of love and unity. I had been on autopilot for a while studying and practicing different beliefs, I never found what I was looking for. I started calling to the universe asking if a deity was calling to me, please give me a sign. I meditated and opened myself up to the world beyond what I could see.

It started in April, the first week I started having vivid dreams about the beach. I would sitting on a cliff with my legs dangling over the edge, I'd look to the side and see the waves crashing against the shore line. Then I would wake up...I could have sworn I was at the beach! I've had waking nightmares and dreams that felt real but I have never experienced a dream like that. It was like my entire being was there and I could still feel the sun on my legs when I was awake.

Then I started seeing more rabbits than normal, I live in a small town in the Midwest and rabbits aren't uncommon. I would wake up and as I was leaving for work there would be one or two rabbits in my yard, I would come home there were the rabbits. Anytime I took my dog out or left the house there's at least one rabbit. I started smelling sweet things when I wasn't cooking, or cleaning, I would be in my car and I would smell fresh flowers! I decided to consult my sister about this. She herself is a pagan, and she has a very close relationship with her deity. I asked her to perform a tarot reading on me to determine who was reaching out to me. Up until this point I had been more interested in the Infernal side of paganism, demonology, Luciferian, overall the left hand path. But I still didn't get that sense of love like I saw other people getting. She asked the tarot every single one of my questions but I was only asking the wrong ones...I was certain a demon was reaching out to me since I had been so engrossed in learning about them. To no luck were any of my questions answered...then I asked if I was being contacted through my dreams. Immediately the tarot said yes. My sister asked me what kind of dreams I was having...she arched her eyebrow and began shuffling the deck. Within two seconds one singular card flew to the ground below, "The Lovers" card.

She chuckled and said she knows who it is...Aphrodite. I immediately felt like crying, I felt a wave of warmth crash over me. I felt like I was home...I finally knew what that feeling was that I was jealous over for so many years. I found her and she has blessed me with love and unity.

O Radiant Aphrodite I sing your praises with love.

[aseaofcadence]

a painful memory

The time I was asked to pay rent.

I was 15 years old. I was the youngest lifeguard in my class and I studied harder for this test than I ever did actual school. The instructor (Romeo) singled me out because I was the youngest in the class and I got the highest score. This was after one season of swim team where I actually learned how to swim. From going to not even knowing what freestyle was, to always swimming in lane one (close to the wall), to being the best lifeguard graduate of our class of ... a whopping 10 people. I think I was a little high on myself to be completely honest.

I came back home from work one day and my dad was in the kitchen, wearing a white holy tshirt, he stoped me after I closed the front door. It was night time and I had no idea where my sister was and to be frank, I couldn't remember if she was still living with us. But my dad had told me he needed help paying the rent. That I needed to pay 200$ a month to him to help with the house and other costs. Of course in 2023.. 200$ is nothing but to a newly employed 15 year old who only made 8.25$ an hr, that was almost my whole months wages.

I was really angry. I was beyond angry. I don't think I've ever lashed out at my dad like that before. I always suffered in pain in my own room ever since they got divorced. But this was new low we had hit as a family of 2..maybe 3. I told him that I couldn't believe that he was asking me this. I told him how I NEVER ask him for anything anymore. That I got a boyfriend to buy me my first clunker car for 900$ and I paid for insurance myself. How I paid for gas to get myself to school. How I paid for food to eat, the clothes I wore, the things I did. How every time I wanted to got to a christian bible camp I paid for it myself, how I paid for my own volleyball shoes so I wouldn't stick out not matching the team, how I never asked for the school supplies I needed on top of the donated ones we got from a charity. But now he was asking me to help him with his responsibilities. I screamed at him saying that I shouldn't have to deal with this. That he should be able to at least keep a roof over my head and running water. (later I find out that for low income housing the rent changes proportionate to your income, its always just 30% of your monthly income, and that water... was free). I cried so hard telling him how he was inadequate as a father to provide for me and that as a kid I shouldn't have this on my shoulders. I already had so much on them already. He cried with me. He said he was so sorry that he didn't want his baby girl crying over this. He rubbed my shoulders because I was sobbing. But I still, in the end had to pay because I was scared to be homeless. So I worked harder. I worked every other day, sometimes 12 hours on Saturdays and more in the summer on top of school and all the sports I was in. He never asked me for anything again.

Looking back I think this was a very pivotal point in my life. It solidified the thought that I earned everything I wanted, needed or had. At the youngest age I could provide for myself, I did. This is where all of the pride steps in. Where pride rears its ugly head as a 31 year old. Somehow it's easier to compare because I had it real rough but I worked my way out. Where I feel like if I want something I must work hard to get it and that I don't need anyone to help me get there. All I need is myself.

Being married gave me good lighting to see better. Knowing Christ deeply gave me the glasses to see the situation sharper. I DID NOTHING. I was handed these opportunities. I couldn't have brought myself to this situation if my sister didn't drop me off at church every sunday and my dad pick me up afterwards. I couldn't have gotten that car to drive to work unless Simon bought it for me. I was chosen. I was given. I was blessed. God aligned everything so perfectly in my situation, all I realllly did was walk, or better, stumbled my way through all the adversity. All the while I was a whiny child.

I realize how hard it must have been being a father to ask your daughter this. (I'm sure he asked my sister as well, so i guess two daughters) How degrading to a mans pride it must have been to have to confess inadvertently that he couldn't provide for his family. That lay off after lay off he once again felt the sense of inadequacy. How he realized he was bad at money and finances. How he was a king back in his country and now here he was instead a beggar. To have fallen so far and to realize it must have been devastating. To top it all off, my mom never paid child support because she said my dad wouldn't use it for me specifically, that he would just use it for himself. The only way I could get the money from her was to come to her house and she would buy me anything I needed because she knew it was going to me. When she visited our home while my dad was at work, she downturned her nose and criticized the shithole we were living in. Never offering to make a difference.

God, I pray so fervently that Indie will never have to experience the pain I felt as a child. The pain where I knew that my own father could not provide or care for me. I hope she never has to feel the need to be less of a burden or feel guilty for asking for something. I hope she feels safe and cared for. I hope she never has to feel like she wishes she was never born because she's such a burden to her parent/parents. Because thats how I felt. Thats how I saw myself. An unworthy burden.

[storiumemporium]

"Do you love me, Eddie?"

The question is uttered into the quietness of a late night, wrapped up in his arms.

You know you've been... difficult, lately. In and out of the hospital, tests on tests on tests, feeling like a guinea pig but knowing you're not nearly interesting enough for the honor.

Multiple Sclerosis.

It's the title given to your particular brand of suffering, said to you with clinical professionalism as Eddie held your hand tightly between the two of his.

Not lethal, they said.

No mentioning the fact that a disease could do worse than just kill you.

The migraines, the mood swings, the forgetfulness, the tremors and spasms, locking muscles and hallucinations.

You've gone completely blind, this time.

Anytime you look into the corners of your eyes the pain is so sharp you want to cry, your brain is throbbing with veritable agony no matter what it is you do, so you remain bed-locked, and by extension Eddie was imprisoned next to you.

Despite all of this Eddie has been so, so good to you. Remembering your medications when you didn't, icepacks and blankets and bringing your food and drinks to you, speaking in a whisper and keeping himself restrained at all times. Absolutely subdued and quiet.

It's hard to not let the insecurity seep out. The inferiority.

Eddie was so loud, so proudly himself, so boisterous and energetic, it was impossible not to feel as if he could do a thousand times better than some cripple he has to babysit like a child. The runt that forces him into a cage- just so he wouldn't hurt you.

"'Course I love you, sweetheart."

You can feel the bed dip and shift as Eddie moves, and you shudder against the feeling of his hands suddenly cupping your face and his thumb rubbing a little pattern next to your nose, which he bumps affectionately with his own.

You wish so badly to be able to see him again that tears dot your eyes again.

"Babe? Are you okay?" His voice wavers with concern and you bite the inside of your cheek.

Just because you can't see him doesn't mean he can't see you, moron.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine I just..." When you trail off for too long, Eddie starts to gently kiss your cheekbones, plush lips so light against your skin that it tickles.

"Y'know I won't blame you if you move on, yeah?"

He stills, at that.

"What?"

You turn your head to the side, facing where you know his door is, even though there's nothing you can see. "Do you know... how much I hate what I've done to you, Eddie?"

"Babe-"

"I-I mean, you're not even my boyfriend anymore Eddie, you're my nurse. Ha-half our conversations are about my health and recovery. Eddie, what happened to us? What happened to DnD and music and- and life?

I don't want you held back, baby. I don't want you to be trapped- because- because it would hurt for you to leave, but it'd hurt so much more for you to resent me someday because I took your freedom from you."

You slur over half the words, stumbling and getting caught as the stress of your emotions makes the disease flare up, catching your words in a net and twisting them amok. But Eddie understands well enough, enough to know that every single one builds up a tiny little spark of rage.

"You don't get to decide that for me," Eddie's words are alarming, but he's not stopping to let you interject. "You don't get to decide whether or not I'm losing my freedom, or if I'm going to resent you or- or any of that bullshit that just left your mouth."

He sounds livid, and it makes you want to shrink away. The moment you start to curl in, though, he's shoving his arms up underneath your armpits and bracing himself over you on his elbows, the smell of him thick and intoxicating.

"No- no, don't- I'm sorry." His voice has softened again, and you cringe knowing he's monitoring himself because of you. "I didn't mean to sound so harsh.

Princess, I love you. I adore you- I fucking covet you. I am not a religious man but I'd go to church every fuckin' Sunday for you, baby girl. I enjoy getting to do this for you-"

He stammers to a halt, and then tries again. "No, okay, that sounded bad. I meant- I love you, and taking care of you makes me feel good, because it means less pain for you every day. It makes me feel useful, baby. It makes me feel like I'm not just- just sitting to the side watching you suffer feeling like a jackass constantly."

You can't help the little whine that escapes your throat, tears spilling over the sides of your useless eyes.

"Don't cry, baby. Don't cry..." His face comes down to nuzzle yours, his forehead resting gently against you and his chest pressed down enough you can feel the vibrations tickle your sternum as he murmurs.

"You fight so hard, every damn day just to be able to keep up- I watch you wear yourself to the bone. So when we come home, I want you to collapse, I want you to be able to do that with me, okay? So I can take care of you. So I can make you feel good."

He kisses your lips, "I will never hate you or resent you for what you couldn't control, I just wish it'd been me instead of you- I'm a hell of a lot more useless at this whole 'living life' thing than you."

Your voice comes out wet and whiny. "Now it's your turn to shut up... You're perfect, Eddie."

Another kiss, softer and slower, and this time Eddie coaxes your tongue into his mouth, sighing at the taste of you. When he pulls away with a soft, wet smack, his voice is a little rough.

"If you'll have me, I'll be with you for the rest of our lives. You make me believe in soulmates, beautiful."

[comfortfrogblog]

hi :). I'm just here bc I'm having a bit of religious crisis. I'm a 16 y.o girl (like you). I was raised in a Catholic Church, but my mom is actually orthodox (long story). anyway, my mom decided in 2021 that we were going to start going to Orthodox Church, and I agreed bc I didn't really have another choice.

I never really prayed a lot. I think I used to believe in God in a sort of lazy way - I never really prayed or thanked Him, and I was just kind of passive in my belief, if that makes sense. recently, I haven't been doing very well at all mentally, and I kind of just stopped believing in God. I think this was partly brought on by the fact that the orthodox church has some shitty rules (divorce=bad, gay=bad, abortion=bad, etc), and I didn't want to be a part of something that encouraged that kind of exclusivity. I also just don't have a good home life at all - I've always been very lonely, and it just seems like there's a lot of pain in the world, and a lot of bad people that just keep on living. I know I'm just making excuses here, but what I'm trying to say is that I want to believe that God exists, I really do, but I just can't. when I try to pray, I just feel like I'm screaming into a great apathetic black void. my question is, have you ever had a religious crisis like this? and if you have, could you explain how you overcame it? thank you so much. your blog is wonderful :)

ahhh absolutely—im going through one right now lol. in fact, i’d say im constantly going through a religious crisis of sorts. sometimes i dont know whether i should even be allowed to call myself a christian if i struggle this much, but i’ve kind of figured out that struggling is actually the point.

we can never be perfect in our faith. even the most faithful and religious people you know have their flaws and stray from god every single day—we are sinful in nature. but christ paid for our sins with his blood so that we could have eternity with the lord, so that we may be forgiven, so that we may experience the greatest love that there is. im still struggling with this concept—the fact that there is a god who loves us so much that he sent his son to us, and this man died for us. he was crucified and tortured so that we may be saved. jesus was a real person—the most perfect person to ever exist. the savior, the king, the servant.

but i dont deserve that, i tell myself. and im right, actually. none of us deserved it. none of us deserve to be saved, none of us actually deserve to have good things. but that is the point, isn’t it? that god is so merciful he sent his son to die for us, when we never deserved it in the first place? he wants to be with us and have a relationship with us so much that he would forgive our sins and welcome us home. it is because of christ that we are saved and forgiven—not because of our inherent goodness. we have inherent value, but we are not inherently good. christ is the ultimate love, the ultimate good, the ultimate and overarching and sovereign king. so we do not have to grieve over being undeserving; instead, we can rejoice that he provides for us and loves us regardless.

christianity is not easy. it’s not supposed to be—we are called to take up our own crosses and follow jesus. we suffer, we struggle, we hurt, we cry out, we question. it is good to question—we are curious creatures, and it is natural that we long to know the god who loves us. ask, wonder, question. it is okay to go through periods of rocky faith—every single christian that has ever lived has been through the same problem.

but even in our darkest times, when we feel we cannot hear the lord and we think he has forsaken us, he has not. he is crying out for you. he wants you to come running to him. he will always provide for you, and he will always make a way. i have to say that what you said about feeling like you’re crying out into a black void struck me deep—i’ve often thought the same exact thing. but i’ve seen it in the lives of those around me that the more that you try, the more you question, the more you want, the closer you come to seeing what God wants you to see.

and if it’s worth anything, the deepest and most heart-wrenching sentiment i’ve felt my whole life is that of wanting to want him. i want to want to believe, but i still feel the indifference in my heart. i think the answer is to keep trying, keep praying; reach out to people you trust who can give you guidance. the desires of your heart will reflect in your actions—if you really, really want to believe, stop running away. you might not even know you’re running away. we often think we’re the ones chasing God, but the truth is that he is chasing after you. he loves you and wants to be in relationship with you.

[msmarvelouswinchester]

No Strings Attached

Summary - Some words are better remained unspoken but not always. Sometimes it better to just confess.

Pairing - Jensen x Reader, past Jensen x OFC Sarah

Warning - Fluff, angst-ish, secret relationship, smut (18+), unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it), oral sex (female receiving), swearing, insecurities, mentions of betrayal.

Word Count - 3178

Square Filled - Rockstar!Jensen ( @spndeanbingo ); Confessions ( @anyfandomgoesbingo )

A/N - This is written for my challenge "Chan's 500 followers challenge".

Request by @deanwanddamons - Hey hon! Huge congratulations on 500 followers! You deserve it 💞 Could you write ‘3. How was I such an idiot, to believe that you, out of all people, could ever love me?’ Jensen and Y/N 😘 (Hope you like it and sorry it got so long)

Beta'd by the lovely @miss-nerd95​ (she is such a sweetheart! Thank you so much)

The beautiful spn dividers by @talesmaniac89

I love the Ackles fam, but for the sake of this fic, Jensen is single and was never married to Danneel.

Your eyes were focused on the man on stage, heart beating loudly as you watched his every movement the way his thick fingers were wrapped around the mic, that little smirk on his face as he sang along to the Eric Church’s song. Your head full of thoughts about what his fingers and mouth could do to you.

“Damn you, really turn me on, paintin' your toenails pink.” He sent you a sideway glance, giving you a knowing smile as he sang the lines. His tongue peeked out of his mouth as it swept over his lips, his action so casual yet it sent the audience into a frenzy. The song enriched by his voice was enough to make you squirm and the memories from last night were not helping you at all.

You should have seen this coming ever since the moment you had stepped into the green room that day, right before the Saturday Night Live. You had smirked to yourself when you saw Jensen's eyes slightly widening at the sight of you in the tight little skirt that you had paired with a see-through button down and matching bra, as you had walked up to him with a glass of wine in your hand.

A blush had crept up your neck when you had felt his eyes all over your body. You had taken a seat right beside him, just to rile him up a bit more. You knew he couldn't even kiss you because no one in the cast knew about your hidden rendezvous. You had furtively glanced at the actor beside you. With one brow raised slightly, Jensen was staring right at you.

“You want to go out there?” You jumped at Richard’s voice, pulling you out from your sinful thoughts. “I know you can sing.”

“You sure? Jensen has set the stage on fire. I don't think I have enough fuel to match that level.” You chuckled, looking out towards the stage as the said man wrapped an arm around Rob’s shoulder, jamming out to the music of the guitar. You hadn't even noticed when he had switched to another song because you were too busy staring at how his biceps flexed under his black shirt with every small movement of his arm. A puff of air left your mouth as he hit a high note in the song.

“Trust me, he will definitely not mind.” Richard winked.

“Um-thanks Speight, but I'd rather stay here and enjoy the show.” You politely declined Richard’s request. Tonight, the stage was a dangerous arena.

You took in a sharp breath as the last notes of the song strung in the air, the crowd erupting into a loud cheer as Rob struck the last chord on his guitar. “Thank you!” Jensen gave a dramatic bow, waving his hands in the air as he was exiting the stage which caused an uproar in the room. Handing over the mic to Rob, the actor left the stage.

“Enjoyed the show, sweetheart?” A smug smile tugged on his lips as he stalked towards you, the look on his face making you go weak in the knees.

“You put on quite a show out there.” You said, placing a hand on his chest.

“What can I say? I am a good performer. There is nothing better than seeing the audience satisfied,” Jensen replied and leaned towards you, bringing his mouth near your ear. “And then leave them begging for more.” Your heart was beating wildly making you gasp as his teeth grazed past your earlobe, a shiver running down your body to your core.

“Jackles!” Jared’s booming voice made you two jump apart. “We are going out for drinks, wanna join?”

“Yeah! Go ahead, I'll...uh-catch up. Y/N’s coming with me too.”

“Uh-okay!” Jared hesitated a bit before he rejoined the awfully jolly group of actors, making their way towards the bar a few blocks away from the convention.

“Ackles, anyone caught your eye yet?” Jared questioned his tv brother, which piqued your interest.

“So, I'm picking up random girls from the bar now to get my dick wet? Jare-” Jensen looked at his best friend with a look of pure disgust in his eyes.

“Jensen, that's not what I-”

“Now, don't start with your relationship crap. You know I don't do relationships anymore.” It wasn't like you didn't expect him to say this, but deep down it still hurt to hear him say that there was no one special in his life. You tuned out the rest of his words as you reminisced about your first night together.

The relationship between you and Jensen was complicated. A few months ago, you had hooked up in his Vancouver apartment after a drunken night and that had started the whole friends with benefit thing. No one knew that you two were sleeping together. It was something you two had decided to keep between yourselves because it wasn't like you were in a relationship, you two just fucked to relieve some tension. Or so you thought. You didn't even realise when you had fallen head over heels for the man but you had managed to keep your mouth shut.

Your eyes roamed around the room until it landed on Jensen to see him staring intently at you. An involuntary shiver ran down your body under his strong gaze. You left your seat and went to sit beside him at which he was taken by surprise.

“Miss me already?” He smirked, an eyebrow raised at you.

“Don’t shave.” You said.

“That doesn't answer my que-” the words got stuck in his throat as you placed your hand on his thigh. Jensen stiffened under your touch but thankfully the action went unnoticed by everyone else.

“What d'you think you're doin’?” He asked, his southern accent slipping through.

“Nothing.” You smirked as you hand travelled upwards towards his crotch but no one could see your little teasing session underneath the table. Jensen swallowed thickly as he fidgeted in his seat, trying to adjust his pants and to remove your hand but you were adamant. You coyly palmed his growing excitement as he sucked in a breath.

“Don't challenge me, Y/N/N.” He growled into your ear, your own panties were now ruined. “I can take you right here, right now. You want me to do that, to teach you a lesson for being a bad girl?”

“Where's your self control, Ackles?” You mocked.

Without answering your question, he suddenly stood up. “Y/N’s not feeling so hot. I think it's best if she goes back to the hotel.” Jensen told the cast. You licked your lips when you saw his dominant side jumping out.

“What ‘bout ya?” Jared drunkenly asked.

“She is in the room right beside me and it's too late. I'm going back to the hotel with her. I'm just being a gentleman.” Jensen said, trying to sound as convincing as possible. Everyone said their goodbyes and if anyone suspected anything, they didn't speak up.

A few minutes after leaving the bar, Clif pulled up in front of the bar. You and Jensen slipped into the backseat. That fifteen minutes drive felt like the longest time you had ever been in a car. The tension was so thick between, it could have been cut with a knife. Jensen did his best to restrain himself, so much so he barely looked at you because even Clif wasn't in on your little secret and you wanted to keep it that way.

You had barely closed the door before you felt Jensen’s hands all over your body. He abandoned his leather jacket before pushing you against the wall.

“I wanted to rip off your clothes the moment you walked into the room.” He murmured as he pinned you to the wall, kissing you roughly. “Do you have any idea how hard you made me tonight? Huh?” He breathed into the skin of your neck, making you whimper.

“Jay-uh, you were a t-tease as well. You sang that song tonight o-on purpose.” You breathed out. A gasp left your lips when Jensen hungrily ripped off your shirt and skirt leaving you in nothing but your bra and panties. You hooked your legs behind his back as he effortlessly picked you up and took you to the bed, putting you down before he climbed on top of you. Impatiently, you tugged at the hem of his t-shirt at which Jensen smirked and pulled the shirt over his head before throwing it on the floor. You took in the perfectly toned muscles of his chest and stomach like you were seeing him naked for the very first time, which of course wasn't, when he put a finger under your chin, making you look up at him.

“Like what you see?” He smirked as your hands travelled up to feel his hard pecs. Jensen grabbed your hand and moved them away from his chest as he leaned down to leave a trail of kisses down your body. You shuddered when his mouth found the sweet spot on your neck. He swiftly removed your bra, leaving only in your lacy panties. “You are so beautiful.” He murmured as he took in your naked form.

There wasn't a single part of your body that he didn't touch. His hands travelled all over your body, squeezing and pinching your skin as they moved until finally stopped on your breasts, kneading and massaging them.

“Jay-” you moaned as he continued to nibble at your sensitive skin. His mouth left your neck before latching onto your right nipple, his tongue flicking the bud making you cry out his name. “Oh fuck,” you whimpered as his fingers worked on your other nipple. You could feel him smirking before his mouth released you from its assault, pressing a kiss on the valley of your chest before moving south.

“Fuck baby, you're so wet. Where's your self control?” Jensen grunted when his hand brushed your damp panties before making a quick job of pulling them off you. He left kisses along the inside of both your thighs before you felt his hot breath fanning against where you needed him the most. He pressed a kiss on your aching pussy as you moaned for the hundredth time that night.

“Mhm, you always taste so good.” He growled against your pussy, the vibration of his voice making you shiver in anticipation. He started licking your clit slowly but then he picked up his pace as his tongue worked overtime. Your hands moved downwards, your fingers entangling with his hair. Jensen’s scruff scratched against your thigh, giving you a sweet, burning sensation which you knew would stay as a reminder of his unholy ministrations. His mouth and tongue continued to give you pleasure as the latter went in deep, hungrily eating you out.

“Fuck Jensen!” You exclaimed when you felt the pressure build up. You pulled at his scalp, making him groan against your pussy before he put a finger in you, at which you whimpered. He pumped in twice before adding another, successfully stretching you open.

“Shit!” Your back arched with pleasure as his fingers curled inside you, hitting your g-spot repeatedly. The coil inside you tightened as he kept pumping his fingers.

“Fuck! Fuck Jay!” You mewled as you came on his fingers. He pulled out his fingers, licking them clean, while you tried to steady your breathing. Giving you a quick kiss, he pulled down his pants along with his boxers, his hardened length making you lick your lips at the sight. He took his cock and ran his hand up and down the shaft, the tip of his cock beaded with precum.

“Jensen.” You croaked.

“Tell me what you want, sweetheart.” His deep voice growled as he sat there in all his naked glory.

“I-hm, I want you inside me.” Jensen quickly obliged as he lined himself with your entrance. Your mouth both sucked in a breath when he slipped his cock into you.

“You need to move.” He almost pulled out, leaving only his tip inside you before pushing all of him back in again. You buckled up your hips to match with his thrusts, making him groan. Your pussy clenched around him as the knot in your stomach tightened once again.

“Fuck Y/N!” He growled as his thrusts started to become sloppy.

“I am gonna-Jay!” your back arched as the coil in your stomach snapped and you felt yourself coming undone for the second time that night. Jensen thrusted a few more times before he spilled his seed inside you, coating your walls. “Shit Y/N!” He panted as he dropped his head into the crook of your neck. Pressing his lips on yours, he pulled out of you and rolled over, both of you panting hard, as you came down from your high before he got up to get a piece of cloth to clean you both up.

You were lying in his arms, basking in the post-coital bliss, both of you still in an euphoric state when those fateful words were muttered. “I think I'm in love with you.” The sentence slipped out before you could have stopped yourself and that's when you felt him beside you stiffen up.

“I thought we agreed this thing to be no-strings attached.” He said, his voice hard as rock as he spat the words out, making you wince at the sheer intensity of disgust in those ten little words.

“I-I thought, I'm sorry. I know what I got myself into,” you scoffed, “How was I such an idiot, to believe that you, out of all people, could ever love me?” You left the soft hotel bed, wrapping yourself with the white sheet to cover your modesty and self-respect or what was left of it.

“Where are you going?” Jensen asked as he watched you pick up the pieces of your clothing strewn about the room, putting them back on as you tried to swallow the lump in your throat.

‘Was that concern in his voice?’ You wondered but you decided not to voice your thoughts instead you retorted, “No-strings attached, remember? I am going back to my room.” And that was the last thing you said before you left hurriedly.

Closing the door behind you, you burst into tears. You almost ran back into your room because you didn't want to be seen by anyone and read some nasty headline on the celebrity gossip page the next day.

You didn't know how long you cried, lying there in your bed as you blamed yourself for completely messing up a good relationship. Wait, why were you even calling your arrangement a relationship?

That man didn't do relationships. How could you be so stupid to say those words to him? Maybe deep down inside, you had hoped that Jensen felt the same about you but after tonight all your hopes had been turned to dust. You laid motionless in your bed with tears streaming down your cheeks until two short knocks on your door interrupted your pity party.

A sense of fear seeped into you. Did someone see you in the hallway? You wondered. Gathering up a bit of courage you opened the door to find the man you least expected to show up on the other side.

“Wha-” Jensen barged into the room, closing the door behind him.

“Sarah, my last girlfriend she-I loved her, God did I love her but she took advantage and stabbed me in the back, left me there in the pool of my own blood.” He let out a shaky breath.

You still remembered that night in the trailer clearly. You and Jensen were still getting to know each other and you had never seen him have a breakdown like that. Sarah had used Jensen's name to get further in the industry and used his money but then she had owned up to never loving him and cheating on him with another man. Thomas was sick so Jared had to leave immediately while you had stayed with him that night in the trailer because you knew if you left him alone, he would have drowned himself in alcohol.

“I swore off dating, then you came along. After our first night in my Vancouver apartment, I didn't want to let you go. You were also healing from your last breakup and we both needed something to release the tension so I asked you to be my friend with benefits.”

“Jay-”

“Let me complete because I owe you an explanation and I'm here to give you one. All this time I was thinking that my feelings towards you were not romantic because I was scared to fall in love again until tonight when I watched you storm out of my room. I realised that I was lying to everyone including myself and I don't think I can live with that. ” You searched his face to find any sort of pity or a lie but all you saw were eyes filled with adoration for you. “Now I know I'm an idiot and I have royally fucked everything up but I think I'm ready to take a leap and I don’t want anyone but you by my side.”

You didn't even know when you had started crying. Jensen came closer to you, cupping your face, he whispered, “I want you, all strings attached.”

“Am I really the person you want?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” A look of confusion descended on his face.

“Okay. I can give us a chance but I need you to be all in. I want you with all your strings attached as well.” You said, your lips curling up to form a soft smile.

“I am all in.” He said and leaned in, capturing your lips with his. Your one hand moved to the back of his neck and another gripped his bicep to ground yourself. It was a soft kiss filled with love and new promises.

“I do have one condition.” You said after breaking the kiss.

“I agree.” Jensen said, pecking your lips.

“You didn't even hear it.”

“I don't have to. I agree with it.” He smiled.

“Well then, no sex for one month.” You smirked as you Jensen's mouth fell open.

“One month?”

“You already agreed to it.” You giggled when he pouted at you. “Oh don't make that face. You have two hands, use them.”

“What about kissing?”

“I think I can allow kissing.” You chuckled making him sigh in relief.

“I love you and I'm a dumbass for not realising it before.” Your heart swelled in your chest as you heard him say those words back. “And I think Jared is going to earn some betting money in the morning when we walk into the room hand in hand.”

“We are telling everyone about us? So no secret meetings?”

“No secret meetings. I will shout it from the rooftops that you're mine because like I told you, I want you with all the strings attached.”

Feedback is highly appreciated!

[ofhouseadama]

4) Their favourite way to waste time

Okay so I feel like on days where they truly have nothing to do - no new cases have come in, she and Ed have sold enough art and done enough lectures/media appearances to pay the bills, Judy's at school... I think a lot about the whole little couch and armchair set up in Ed's office. That he'll sit in there and paint or research or study Latin translations and she'll lay on the couch and talk to him. I feel like they have a lot of ad hoc bible study and talk about like, church gossip and Vatican politics and real politics. (They both feel like Kennedy Democrats, but were probably very against the Vietnam War.) I headcanon they both like Graham Greene novels. Lorraine likes murder mysteries and whodunnits because it's the one time she can't cheat to figure out the answer. She yells at the TV when she watches Columbo. She and Ed strike me as people who also watch a lot of Late Night with Johnny Carson and the Dick Van Dyke Show.

5) Their favourite type of music

So like, Elvis, obviously, is a winner. Lorraine also gives off very strong like, Fleetwood Mac and Van Morrison energy. Stevie Wonder, Otis Redding, Beach Boys. She was probably just a LITTLE too old for Beatlemania, more fond of the Rolling Stones and Pink Floyd, or like, Hall and Oates and the Allman Brothers.

7) Their happiest memory

The day Judy was born was very very hard, like Lorraine often feels out of control of her mind and body anyway, and I feel like Lorraine was probably susceptible to PPD/PPA so the months surrounding Judy's birth are kind of a blur for her. The joy and contentment and fulfillment that came with becoming a mother and being a mother didn't come tied to a single memory.

So probably finding out she was pregnant with Judy, after years of having to surrender that dream to the Lord and be at peace with possibly never having a child. Sitting the doctor's office, her period over a week late when it's always come every 28 days like clockwork since she first got it at 15. Not wanting to raise Ed's hopes, not wanting to raise her own. And it's 1962, so doctors can do a rapid test in their offices now so she's skirted out on her lunch break from working as the parish secretary, tapping her foot restlessly in the waiting room, purse on her lap, waiting for her name to be called. She feels crazy.

She felt the moment of conception - the moment where a piece of her joined with a piece of Ed and ramped up her gift up to 11. She can feel the baby. She felt the moment Judy's heart started beating, and finally convinced herself to make the appointment. But they've been trying for a baby since the night they were married in 1953. It's been nine years.

The moment the doctor tells her that she's pregnant, her world greys out a bit. It feels like sitting on the bottom of a pool. She's not sure how she gets home, but she does, and she knows she can't go back to work. She's on the verge of laughing like a madwoman and bursting into tears. She cooks dinner, because Ed will be home around six from teaching art classes at the VA and they both need to eat.

He doesn't need psychic powers to know somethings off when he gets home, hands and forearms flecked with paint. Setting the table for dinner, his legs give out from under him when she finally works up the nerve to tell him, the CorningWare plate in his hand clattering to the floor. He presses his face to her abdomen, kissing it and thanking God, getting weepy when she drops to the floor into his lap. He's pushing her hair back from her face, laughing and crying and pressing kisses to her cheeks and mouth and nose and forehead.

They eat lasagna right out of the pan, right there on the floor, and talked about baby names for the first time since they quietly tucked their dreams of being parents away a few years into their marriage.

25) How they spend rainy days

Ed likes to paint in natural light, so on rainy days they end up working on presentations and talks and reshuffling case files and how to best talk about them. Usually they end up with their limbs stretched out on each other on the couch in his office, files spread everywhere, notebooks and index cards and sticky notes abundant. This absolutely results in at least once make out session. If it's cold and rainy, Lorraine likes to make something that will take awhile in the oven to cook - she's always been prone to getting chilled, and it's a way to keep the kitchen cozy and warm. Endless cups of tea.

29) How they express love (platonically and/or romantically)

Lorraine is so tactile but so reticent about it - any touch can give way to a vision, an interception of her senses, a premonition. If she loves you, you know because she's free with touch.

[anonymousbaev]

Rfa + minor trio being jealous seeing mc with another member pls. ty if u do :DDD

*Angst* RFA+Minor Trio being jealous seeing Mc dating another member.

Enjoy! (;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`)    *Angst and NSFW warning*

☆Yoosung☆

"Congratulations..." They were the words he sent in the chatroom when you and Seven made it official.

Only he knew they were empty words though.

He really liked you, hoping to confess to you one day. Sometimes he had even imagined having a family with you.

But that was just how deeply he loved you.

Somedays he would just wish you'd broken up with Seven and ran into his widely opened arms.

Somedays he would wonder if it would've been him by your side if he had confessed his love a day sooner.

He always cursed himself out for thinking that way afterwards though.

He should be happy.

He has to be happy, for his two precious friends.

He avoided you and Seven for months, years... putting on a bitter smile when he had run into you at a RFA party occasionally.

It felt like he was trapped in a nightmare, he knew he had to get his feelings over with. But he just couldn't let you go so easily...

It wasn't until Seven proposed to you, in front of all the guests and members at the party.

He kept repeating the words in his head, "Please say no, please say no, please say no..."

But of course, you agreed and Yoosung sent you both his second congrats.

A few years later he started dating a girl he met at his vet.

Yoosung eventually got married to her and he was able to treat you and Seven the way he had before everything.

Yoosung and his new wife would never have the same connection he did with you though.

I mean she didn't have to go through getting compared with Rika.

He was happy with her, and you were happy with Seven.

He told himself, he was content with his life. And, he eventually came to believe it.

☕️ Jaehee ☕️

When Jaehee found out about your relationship with Zen through the radio, she joked that she was offended she had to find out through the internet and not personally by you or Zen.

She was confused about her feelings at first, she knew she was feeling jealous... but towards who?

She brushed off her feelings, convincing herself it was a neutral fangirl jealousy.

That wasn't until she found out how Zen broke your heart during an argument and you stayed at her house.

She felt so angry, how could he do that to you? He should've cherished you, loved you, because that's what you deserved-

That's when she realized, those feelings... weren't towards Zen but towards you.

Without even realizing it, her feelings for you have gotten so deep, she fell in love with you.

But it was too late when she did, because you were able to make up with Zen and you even told her you were going to get married to him.

That officially broke her.

She kept a straight face, continuing to work at her café for 2 years.

That was when you announced your pregnancy and even her hard metaled heart delicately snapped.

She cried silently in her house as she read your chats.

"Why am I crying?... I should be happy for her..." she repeated those words as she cried herself to sleep.

The next day she told the RFA she was going to leave, in order to travel the world to further her knowledge in her business.

You were sad, everyone was. But she promised to keep in touch.

She was able to keep her promise for a year. Until she fell out of touch with everyone, even you. And you used to be her best friend...

You were upset, why did she suddenly block you out of her life?

But only Jaehee and god would know how you had unknowingly broke her heart, because you never heard from her again.

♬ Zen ♬

Why did it have to be that trust fund kid, out of everyone else?

Himself for example... either way he just wanted you to be happy.

But sometimes he would wonder, if he had gone more less with those flirtatious jokes, would it be him next to you?

Did you think his flirts were nothing but a casual way of joking like Jumin told you?

Now only he would know, that he was being serious. That all those 'lighthearted' flirts sincerely came from his heart.

The way you were strong enough to have everyone open up to you, and the way you sincerely cared for everyone of them.

He fell in love with you, and he knew he would never be able to find another person like you.

But he tried his best to get over you. He still wanted to remain friends at the very least.

If he wanted that, he had to accept your relationship with Jumin...

Zen tried to love someone else, a beautiful woman he had worked with in one of his movies.

But when he saw you come in to congratulate him as Jumin held your waist his heart broke.

Eventually though, he proposed to the woman and at the wedding he felt shame because in the church, at his wedding with someone that wasn’t you...

He thought you were the most beautiful woman there.

“Why are these feelings still lingering?!”

Years passed... later finding out his wife has had several affairs, but he wasn’t one to judge. When he still had you in his heart.

He lived his life solely for his career in a loveless marriage life, until he finally shattered. He couldn’t take these feelings anymore, and when he left, nobody has heard of him again.

♛ Jumin ♛ 

It seemed as if he was cursed.

Every woman he had fallen in love with, the only two woman he’d felt emotions to, they all belonged to Kim Jihyun.

Although he’d never showed it, when you and Jihyun announced your wedding, he was bitter, “Already? Did you two even get to know each other, after all that happened with Mint Eye?”

He drowned himself in wine, everyday. 

One day he even sat curled up on the floor as he soothed Elizabeth the 3rd in his arms as he whispered, “Nobody will take you from me...”

The past months he’d been out of character and he was aware of that.

Eventually, he was slowly able to return to his old self again but the only things that surrounded him in his life was his cat, work, and wine.

He never wanted to feel those emotions for you again because they were painful to get over. But had he truly, gotten over you?

He would’ve done everything to make you his if you didn’t belong to his best friend, and he knew V deserved his happy ending, after everything he had been through. 

But what about himself?

You had a feeling, something wasn’t right. Jumin was different. 

And everything poured out when all three of you went to get dinner, all the emotions stacked up spilled out in a single second.

The next morning you found yourself in Jumin’s bed as he slept next to you shirtless, with your clothes also coldly left on the floor, your heart dropped. 

Then, you looked to your left to find Jihyun also sleeping next to you.

That was the start of your relationship, all three of you came to the negotiation that the two men would share you, to which you gladly accepted, because it was your idea. 

You were sure it was a great idea because all three of you were totally content on it.

Others would point fingers, while some would worry, “Isn’t history repeating itself? Maybe not in the same way... but in a ominous way just like before. They’re dragging themselves into a toxic relationship again.”

You and the two friends didn’t care though, because all three of you was sure this was an absolute fantasy...

 👓 Saeyoung 👓 

With all the flirty jokes the two of you would send, everyone that had seen you and Saeyoung, they were sure you and he had a fling. 

That’s what Saeyoung thought as well, that there was something between the two of you, but you must’ve only seen him as a friend because he was paralyzed for minutes as he watched you in Zen’s apartment.

You and Zen knocked down furniture desperate to embrace one another as your lips pressed against his, eager for his touch.

When Zen turned you against the wall as his slender hands reached under your skirt, Saeyoung didn’t want to see anymore. 

He wanted to give you both the privacy, but it was also because he couldn’t bare the pain of watching you anymore.

That’s when he noticed Saeran behind him with his ice cream. “Was that Mc?”

Saeyoung nodded with a grin to act like he was fine as he tried getting back to work, Saeran rolled his eyes and threw away his finished ice cream in the trash.

That was when Saeyoung finally broke down, and he wasn’t sure why because he used to always tell himself he would be ready when this day came.

When he tried focusing on his work and it seemed impossible, Vanderwood offered him to come back to the agency. Saeyoung accepted the offer.

He grows further from the RFA and more immersed in his works, but still occasionally enters the chatroom to see how you’re doing.

His heart stings with a bitter smile when he sees the selfies Zen uploads with you and your son that has the same white hair and scarlet eyes as your now husband.

He’s happy to see you with a good life, a good life he thinks he was never capable of giving you...

🌚 Saeran 🌚 

When he came home and started to live with his twin he’d been separated from for years, it’d be a lie if he said it wasn’t uncomfortable living with you as well.

He barely knew you except for the fact that you were Saeyoung’s girlfriend.

That was until Saeyoung eventually had to get back to his hacking work after devoting his months of time to Saeran alone.

You started taking care of Saeran, and it was awkward at first because he didn’t want you anywhere near him. The first two months were full of him just screaming and attacking you.

But eventually he realized how patient, loving and sincerely caring you were.

You became the only person he wanted to be touched by, and he wanted to be the only person able to touch you.

Of course he’d never said anything because you were the girlfriend of his brother.

Sometimes you would even give him cuddles, only supposed to be friendly hugs but Saeran didn’t think the same, because he loved you. In a different way from how you loved him.

When he couldn’t trust himself from you anymore he told you to stop coming near him.

It hurt you, because you didn’t know why, but you agreed.

You and Saeyoung never noticed how painful it was for Saeran when you kissed, and hugged each other in front of him.

He sealed his emotions away... for the happiness of his twin, and you, because he knew damn well his brother was good at making you feel loved.

♧ V ♧ 

He saw you as an angel, one that’d helped him realize the toxic of his relationship with Rika, one that’d helped him realize he was capable of real love.

But he had felt lost when he knew that the person he would experience true love with would never be able to be you.

Because you were already with Jumin, and V would never interfere with that, Jumin was his best friend, and he knew how well Jumin cherished you as his wife.

Whenever the people around V would ask him when he would find a new lover, he brushed it off. Sometimes hinting that he would probably never.

They all assumed it was because he had never truly gotten over Rika, but little did they know he had already realized it was never love.

Yes, the lingering feeling of guilt may have been still over him, but you were the one in his heart. He always caught himself staring at you at parties.

V wanted to avoid these feelings because he knew the dangers of it.

He avoided you and Jumin as he focused on his art, and Jumin didn’t have the time because he was always busy with you or work.

You noticed Jumin and Jihyun slowly falling out of touch. So you arranged dinner at a restaurant.

You drank until you were drunk.

V chatted with Jumin, it was a neutral talk between friends. They decided to drink until their hearts desires that night.

V was eventually the last one half sober with his high drinking metabolism while Jumin fell drunk next to you on the table.

V rests his head on his arms as he admired you for what felt like hours. 

That was when he lightly placed his cold hands and lightly brushed your cheeks.

It was an selfish move, one that he would only know of. He softly apologized to the both of you and called Jumin’s driver to pick the two of you up before leaving.

The next morning, Jumin told you Jihyun had left to travel somewhere with the promise that he would be back one day, when he had gotten over his feelings. You and Jumin didn’t know what feelings he had been talking of but hoped he’d be back soon.

However the both of you gave up, when even phone calls wouldn’t reach him, and you were sure he’d never come back.

That was probably the first promise V gad ever broke.

🧸 Vanderwood 🧸 

Vanderwood didn’t think much of you, just the fact that you were Saeyoung’s girlfriend. 

But that was it, even when the two of you had occasionally lived together for a while when he was a “maid” for Saeyoung.

That was until he and Saeyoung came back from dangerous missions, wounds and scars all over their body, you would always scold them and treat their wounds.

The little actions you did for him fluttered his heart and he’d always feel envious seeing you with Saeyoung.

He drowned himself in work so he could distract himself from all the unnecessary feelings in his heart.

You would never have to find out about his feelings because there was no need.

You were as happy as you could be with Saeyoung and he didn’t need to ruin that.

He also didn’t really think he had a chance anyway.

But he knew what kind of dangerous job he and Saeyoung had. 

So sometimes he’d wished you had just ditched Saeyoung and met someone with a far more normal life so Vanderwood would have to stop worrying about your wellbeing.

But at the same time he was glad you were Saeyoung’s girlfriend so he could always watch you from close.

Although you would never be his, close was enough for him.

Masterlist