#also this is coming from me a catholic who literally has little to no idea about the practices of my own religion

[argeriant18]

Weird thought but don't you find it cool and oddly fitting that Susan is gifted a horn. The whole point of it is that once you use it then help will always come to her. It's oddly fitting and quite foreshadowing as well, knowing that she's the one who strays from the path of Narnia. But also it's a bittersweet and hopeful thought because she should be willing to receive help. She can never come back to Narnia until she resolves her feelings about it within herself. And once she has that peace in herself, she can then seek out Narnia. Like an old verse: seek and you will find, I think that the horn operates on that level too: help will come to her, they will find her, so long as she is willing to call out and receive that help.

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 5 - Catholic Character Tournament

Propaganda below ⬇️

Sister Michael

She drives a DeLorean. She does judo on Fridays. She likes a good statue and despises the French. Her full nun name is Sister George Michael, after the guy from Wham!. She is the fiercest nun you’ll ever come across and, if you’re attending Lady Immaculate College, she’s the woman in charge. So whatever you do, if you’re feeling anxious or worried or just need a chat: don’t come crying to her.

joined the nunnery for the free accommodation?

she does love a good statue it has to be said

She is the headmistress of a catholic school <3

sister michael so reminds me of the nuns who taught me. they're tough and sometimes a little harsher than a woman who dedicated her life to god should be but they're also wonderful people. i had a nun teacher who was 60 years old and would do handstands. another nun (also in her 60s) told me god was nonbinary. another was really mean and made me cry. (so did the handstand nun.) while the catholic girls school is The Catholic Experience, the school wouldn't have been the same for me or the derry girls without at least one nun who seemed to have sprung up out of the ground fully formed, ageless.

Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler Propaganda:

good lord where do i start. in the animated series he converts logan to catholisism and then fucks off basically thats the main thing he did there. i think one time they tried to make him a demon to explain how he looked but everyone hated that. he sold his soul one time to help his friends out after he died. he and logan have a weird little gay thing. he was a priest one time but he was made a priest by a fake bishop from a religion that hates mutants iirc so he just wasnt a priest. like 3 people have written him in a way i like and one of those is my friend just talking about how they view him.

wow marvel loves making catholic characters dress/look like demons

Kurt is a mutant who was born to mystique who looks a LOT like a devil (technically is half one but that cannon truth isn’t real go back to bed), his mother dropped him off a cliff when he was born and he was picked up by a Romani group/circus (fuck old comics man) however he then narrowly escaped being sold to a freak show and found himself in a small German town. There he met a kind priest, who showed him God, and he quickly grew attached to the idea- However, it wasn’t long before people began labeling him a demon and soon the whole town was against him with pitchforks and fire. Cornered and injured, Kurt thought this might be the end for him- maybe he would see heaven so long after finding it- but he was then saved by Charles Xavier who invited him to the X-Men. AND ITS BEEN SO MANY YEARS AND HE HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH THERE. SO MUCH. SO GOD DAMN MUCH. BUT THE MOST AAAA THING TO ME CONCERNING HIS FAITH HE WHEN HE LITERALLY DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN BUT THEN BECAUSE OF DRAMA WITH HIS FATHER HAD TO BRING HIS FRIENDS IN WITH HIM FROM THE BEYOND. THEN WITH ALOT OF TROUBLE THEY FOUGHT HIS FATHER AND THE ONLY WAY KURT SAW TO STOP HIM WAS IN A MOVE THAT STRIPPED THEM BOTH OF THEIR SOULS AND PUT THEM BACK ON EARTH. SO KURT CANONICALLY HAS NOW LOST HIS ABILITY FOR ETERNAL PEACE, LOST HIS VERY SOUL, TO SAVE PEOPLE- AND ALSO TOLD NO ONE NOT EVEN HIS GAY LOVER WOLVERINE.

Nightcrawler is a mutant vigilante who looks like a classical demon. He can’t even go to church without people panicking and trying to exorcize him. Despite it all, he’s so full of faith and hope and compassion, and he wants to believe the best of everyone. Also, he’s bffs with an extremely angry Jewish sword lesbian. That has nothing to do with anything, but it’s important to me that you all know that.

What if you were a devout christian and literally looked like the devil? He nearly became the pope, which was a plot by some supervillains that also involved faking a rapture? There is nothing like comics I swear to god.

A catholic who is half demon I don’t think I can better explain a struggle than that. But his character is so relatable to people who feel unwelcome with their congregation because of something that is a part of them but still feeling a connection to the faith. Kurt actively engaged in his faith and shares how his faith helps him through all the things he has faced in life and how he found a home with those of the church who leave the judging to God.

so they made kurt a priest briefly before deciding to retcon it, resulting in nightcrawler actually being part of a plan by villains to promote him to pope then reveal to the world that the pope is a demon. wild.

I have a side blog and a tattoo about him and i really really want him to win

Wisecracking devil-appearing devout Catholic with the Best superpower (teleportation)? HECK YES

German Catholic circus acrobat who looks like a demon & can teleport through a hellish alternate dimension with a puff of sulfur. Character of all time.

hes catholic and his dad is the devil. what could be funnier than that. also hes my silly little guy.

Nightcrawler is the world’s most fun catholic priest. I first was introduced to this kindhearted teleporting acrobat while he saved a boat full of stowaway refugees from inter dimensional pirates with swashbuckling gusto!

[myths-tournaments]

Awful Characters Round 4 (2/4)

Propaganda under the cut!

BENNY

The first thing that happens in new vegas is that benny fucking shoots your character in the face, steals your shit and leaves you in an open grave. Benny is by all accounts a bastard. He kills you, steals from you, he killed his last boss, he is the single most duplicitous man around. His gang are all about honesty- except him. He's a lying, cheating bastard. The guys who helped him catch you? He skipped on paying them and left them to get shot to death. His new boss, mr.house? He stole his robot, broke it open, got someone to reprogram it and decided to use it to TAKE OVER THE WHOLE OF VEGAS. Benny literally kills people, lies to people, steals their shit and takes charge. That's all benny does. He gets fucking CRUCIFIED if you don't help him out just because so many people fucking hate him. And yet. And yet. Benny is the single most compelling character in the whole game to me. He's just a little guy! He's just there! You can get shot in the head and come back and he goes "what in the goddamn" and then if you try and flirt with him he's like "uhhh sure? Okay?" And leaves you a polite note in the morning. He's fancy. He wears a stupid suit. He has a tiny gun with shitty bullets. He's catholic. He talks like an old timey news presenter. Literally nobody else in the entire game does that. He's got an intelligence of 3. He's my funtime boy. My silly little man. He's so funny. The antagonist in this game is a guy dressed like a tablecloth who looks at all times like a confused dog who doesn't understand what a tv is. And like. He's compelling. He robs from you, shoots you, but…. he never seems to actually wish you harm. He kills and robs and lies but like. He apologises for doing it to you. When he sees you again he doesn't attack you, he's just… confused. He tries to defuse the situation. You can convince him to talk to you, alone, with no guards and it's not that hard. If you spare his life, he doesn't go after you, like. Even if you sleep with him he doesn't take advantage of that and kill you, even if you try to. He… he just leaves. He gives you an apology. If he gets kidnapped by Caesar He just��� apologizes again. He tells you his whole plan to take over the city, too. He thinks he'll die, and he wants something of him to survive. He's happy that you made it. And if you let him free, he just… leaves. He knows he's beat, he doesn't want to cause any more trouble. He walks out and leaves. The NCR will kill you if you cross them. The legion will crucify you. House? He'll blow you the fuck up. But benny, the guy who lies and cheats and schemes, he's honest. He's polite. He's… harmless. You can kill him with a single shot if you want. And he can't kill you. He doesn't kill you the first time, and he'll never really hurt you again. Benny just wanted to win. When he knows he's beat he just leaves. No lingering, no harm, he's off, off into the desert heat, and never seen again. Isn't that just insane? like have you ever known an antagonist so polite? He just leaves!! He offers you a drink!! His plan is genuinely probably the best one for the people of new vegas!!! He's. Benny is Benny. Anyway if you want to see some REAL propaganda go to the blog letmebegaytodd and look in the #benny tag. You'll Understand < https://www.tumblr.com/letmebegaytodd/717051175751614464/in-another-life-i-wouldve-really-liked-just> <- look at this shit man

AZULA

Azula explicitly considers herself a monster. She says needlessly cruel things to her brother and friends. She kills the show's twelve-year-old protagonist and masterminds the idea of burning down the entire Earth Kingdom to force them to submit to Fire Nation rule. I have absolutely seen people get called abuse apologists for thinking she's a cool character. But she's also a (canonically) mentally ill fourteen-year-old who was raised by her father to see her ability to be weaponized as her only value. Her mother, arguably the only adult in her life who could have had a positive impact, had a strained relationship with her because she was more difficult than her brother, and then disappeared when she was nine. Her uncle, who was her brother's main healthy role model, took absolutely no interest in her. She watched her father belittle her brother for years and eventually throw him away when he failed to meet his expectations, so that was a threat she was always facing. She really had no chance. And she also has moments that suggest she wants some sort of meaningful connection with another person. She lets her brother take credit for killing the Avatar so he can come back from exile, even though it means she'll be bumped back in the order of succession and offers him advice that seems genuine. Her spiral into a mental breakdown starts when her friends betray her. She's just a much more interesting and multifaceted than a lot of the fandom gives her credit for.

[stagefoureddiediaz]

what if we've missed some major Eddie foreshadowing???

What if we all followed the red herring and missed a massive clue the show has given us about Eddies arc?! I'm going back to season 7 - 7x05 to be exact and the conversation Eddie has with Marisol when he gets back from Bucks.

The scene plays out like this;

Marisol: I should have told you, about the nun thing. Eddie: Why didn't you? Marisol: Because no man has ever looked at me the same after he found out. There's two types of guys, the ones that get freaked out by it and the ones who get a little too into it. Eddie: Maybe theres a third? The kind of guy who just needs a minute. Marisol: You don't need to slow walk it. If you're not ready for this... Eddie: Yeah. I don't think I am. Yet. so here's something you don't know about me. This moving too fast. I do it a lot. I just go with my gut and let my head catch up later.

Obviously the literal meaning is obvious - the reality of relationships as experienced when something that has been kept secret is revealed. The meaning of the words said can be taken at face value but thats doesn't have to be the only meaning and fandom explored the subtext.

Now I don't think our theorising about the subtext of Eddies storyline in that episode and that scene being about catholic guilt and it setting up Eddie's reckoning with the catholic faith is wrong - I think it very much is about that. But what if there is a second subtextual meaning hidden underneath the catholic guilt and the set up for a catholic faith arc. One that is part of that catholic faith and Eddie arc, but is also its own thing separate from it?!

I know I always read those lines and the idea of a third guy being a play on the idea of people falling into three categories - religious, agnostic or atheist. The third guy being the agnostic as it sits in the middle of that spectrum. Eddie sees himself as catholic and therefore religious. Even though he is lapsed and therefore agnostic is something he hasn't really grasped about himself because he hasn't needed to. until now.

The conversation preceding the Eddie-Marisol conversation above is also really key for this scene - because it sets up the idea of a third way. There is plenty of subtext and metaphors in that scene - Eddie not wanting to go home is a metaphor for the house of god - the church. Eddie at this point in the scene thinks his only options are to go home - to religion - to be fully practicing, or to not return at all - become atheist. Buck revealing he and Tommy were on a date is a metaphor for the third way - agnostic.

This is still a valid way to view the meaning of the scene and sets up Eddies arc for the rest of the season and going into season 8 really well.

But...

The Eddie - Marisol conversation takes place immediately after Eddie’s chat with Buck - when Buck comes out as bi and Eddie says nothing is going to change between them. A loaded line that make it clear that things have already changed between them and that they will continue to do so.

What if it’s also a metaphor for sex in a more literal sense.

'The ones who get a little too into it' are the ones who enjoy and have sex regularly (we're shown and told that is who Marisol is in this episode multiple times) - we'll use hypersexual as the term here

'the ones who get freaked out by it' are not interested in/ don't want or need sex and don't have it - are ace.

Those are the only two guys Marisol describes and that is key. It is Eddie who suggests a third way and describes what that third way is - 'The guy who just needs a minute' - doing this means that this is who he is - he is the third way which is a metaphor for demi sexuality - needing a minute is short hand for needing a connection - needing a bit of time to build up that connection that then allows sex to become part of the conversation. It’s foreshadowing- hinting at Eddie’s demi-sexuality and setting up his s8 arc. 

Eddie also talks in that scene about really getting to know each other, that line works on all the various levels of subtext as well - Marisol gives eddie that minute and they are shown 'getting to know each other better' getting to know each other better is also a reference to the idea of Eddie seeking out religion again and getting to know that aspect better but it also plays into the idea of demi-sexual Eddie. Him getting to know himself better and not going with his gut without paying attention to his brain. Figuring out that giving himself that time to see if sexual attraction does develop - rather than starting out with sex early on and then panicking when it doesn't.

This plays into what happens later in season 7 with Kim - it gives him the parallel of Shannon - who he was friends with first - which is why he had sexual attraction to her when their friendship turned romantic. Things with Marisol are not following the same pattern - he isn't finding that connection with her. But he's still learning and figuring things out so when he comes across a doppelgänger of Shannon it allows him to test things out further on that front and not just the not being having let Shannon go of it all.

The fact we see nothing remotely sexual for Eddie in the rest of the season with Marisol, and the decision of the show to go with Eddie hugging Kim rather than kissing her along with the Adam and Eve and snake imagery we get with Kim (her hair is up in a snake knot bun) is really interesting.

Whilst the time we see him spend with Kim can be read as being dates (which is the intention and technically what they are) they can also be read another way because of the lack of romance and sex we see when it comes to Marisol. Marisol is the representation of the church - of catholicism. Kim is the opposite end of the spectrum - she is atheism which is why she has the snake knot bun and the leather outfit and also the dark lighting. she is the snake in the garden of eden tempting Eve (Eddie) to eat the apple. If they had kissed in the later scene then it would have represented him eating the apple - him not doing so means he didn't - that he resisted temptation where Eve did not. Its the play on the religious meaning, but its also a play on the sexual spectrum meaning as well - catholicism v atheism v agnostic.

Buck is very heavily connected to all of this narrative. not only because of the scene preceding the scene about three types of guy, but also because it is him Eddie drops Chris off with before he sees Kim and he is the person Eddie opens up to about Kim. He is always the middle ground. He is the representation of agnosticism in the religious subtext and demi-sexuality in the sexual subtext (what Bucks position on the sexual spectrum is is irrelevant - he represents the connection needed to feel sexual attraction in this context)

There is a third subtextual reading as well (again a subtext that is foreshadowing) - that has only become more clear as we've started season 8. They do like their threes in connection with Buck and Eddie!!

Eddie is going to reckon with/seek advice from the church - so he is going to explore his faith which sets up another 3 way situation- this time it’s the religious agnostic and atheist metaphor from a sexuality standpoint- religious = straight - heteronormative, agnostic = bi and atheist is gay - the opposite of heterosexual! 

Eddie won’t need the third way here (or maybe he will - perhaps the show is going to make Eddie Demi and bi - it would be kind of amazing rep if they did. Or maybe Eddie is going to to be Demi and bi initially because he thinks that’s what he is because of Shannon, Ana and Marisol but will ultimately figure out he’s gay when he is shunned by the church for dating a man (metaphorically speaking - it is his parents who would most likely be the representation of this!) 

I don't know how this became so long and how it went off on a tangent I didn't mean it to but here we are welcome to my brain 😂😂😂

[erieri333]

Y'all I'm rambling about Sunday, sorry in advance. First of all, there are many future rambles I will probably make about him because he's a very complex character and I love him but today were just gonna start with little things I've noticed about his design, asides from the obvious (his wings being clipped etc.) So I wanna start off with the piercings in his little head wings, many people have interpreted them differently, but I'm gonna be sticking to the Catholic/religious themes. How I interpreted them is that they don't look like the usually piercings, to me they look like either thorns or nails. For this interpretation I'm going to say that they're nails because in the Bible nails were used to hold people against the cross, I think this is symbolic of how Sunday is being held back and burdened by his own faith, actions, and father. This also continues to further the idea that Sunday is trapped, a bird within a cage, a man on a cross, trapped all the same. Also it would make sense if they added nails into his character design because Sunday has a lot of Jesus imagery, which I might explain more in depth in another post (he is not based off of Jesus, they've just drawn inspiration from him because he's a huge biblical figure, again Sunday is not based off of Jesus and I'm not saying that, it'd be weird if they based their main villain off of JESUS, Jesus is a chill guy and not insane like Sunday) anyways that's one of my points about his design, my next one is the halo, which also has a lot of biblical connotations (obviously cus it's a damn halo) I'd like to start off by pointing out the differences between Sunday and Robin's halos. Sunday's halo is very jagged and spiked, it's very rigid and sharp. Robins is round and smooth and even has little flowers coming out of it. This brings me to my next point, back at it again with Jesus imagery, Sunday's halo is quite literally a crown of thorns. I'll include the definition of the modern term crown of thorns, because I think it applies very heavily to Sunday.

This term is fitting for his character because he carried the burden of the order his whole life and his sister had no idea at all, he has to carry it alone. The point I want to make here is that thorns are something that gets forced into your head, this refers to the fact that Sunday has had his beliefs forced into his head by the dream master from a very young age, which is why robins halo does not have any spikes because nothing was ever forced into her head because she wasn't manipulated like Sunday was. I also think his halo resembles a crown of thorns in general just with how it looks, his halo doesn't hover above his head like Robin's, it floats behind it, the spikes on the inner circle point towards his head instead of away from, if it were to be place on his head like a crown, said spikes would dig into his head. If Robin's halo were to be placed on her head like a crown, nothing would happen to her, she'd be fine, because she's not the one who bears the crown of thorns.

[mychemicalraymance]

i’m really curious to see the connections between gerard and joan of arc that people make, because their interest seems twofold, but i see a lot of people only making the connection of like gender non conformity (which is there!!! and huge). but to me, a larger part of it is like.... the intermixing of contemporary reaction and myth (and like, martyrdom) with a modern context of what was probably “going on” with her. i also think it’s important to not dwell on christian symbols TOO much when making these connections, because while the root of this is a connection from mental illness to a certain sense of spirituality that comes from ideas within christian mythology, i don’t think any of the notions here are meant to be taken as fundamentally christian concepts, or that gerard necessarily believe joan’s crusade to be righteous in the fact that it’s christian. i think we can take the baby out of the bathwater here. 

Gerard is a spiritual person, and like,  seems to have a huge relationship with christianity (obviously, and a very catholic, righteous one at that). I think in that quote where he is describing joan of arc as “probably fucking crazy” and touched by the hand of god at the same time is really important. The connection he seems to make with his own mental illness and a sort of chosen-one narrative feels directly influenced from his understanding of stuff like this, of apostles and oracles, etc. We know he later on  connected Maya the Psychic with a personal experience of auditory hallucinations (though the major source i can find on this is the genius annotation with a link to a concert video where he doesn’t actually say what the annotation is claiming, so it’s up for debate?). It feels like you can make a much deeper connection between the two (gerard and joan) when considering the fact that he seems to be overlapping and mixing the idea of being a spiritual and religous martyr with being a mentally ill person who feels so strongly about something that they make themselves a target for what is right. i feel like gerard perhaps understands or understood himself as someone who in a previous era would be receiving visions and then being persecuted for it. that makes themes of like revenge and mortality also tie in nicely to the joan narrative but that’s probably less related. 

I think it’s not uncalled for also to draw out a discussion of gerard’s gender non conformity as a sort of “martyrdom” via the hands of the popular consensus. Like to me it really feels like gerard being so sort of flagrantly a target in the public understanding of mcr in order to be a figure for gay and/or fucked up teens is like. his noble cause that he was burned at the stake for. like literally a social martyr for the cause! i think he knew that the whole time. and if he wasnt doing that he didn’t want to do it anymore. 

so like to me joan is more of a philosophy than anything else to gerard, and there’s far more loops than just the fact that the two sort of overlap in terms of androgyny or gerard has an interest in her. and gerard HAS become a myth to us just like joan. gerard did sort of burn at the stake a little bit and you can honest to god see people understand gerard either as “Gerard” or like the person he actually is day to day. and “Gerard” is Joan of Arc. the gerard that isn’t aligned with the way we see him in terms of mcr isn’t “Gerard” to a lot of people, which is why you see people reacting to recent mcr so strongly, he’s “Gerard” to them again, and it’s like seeing a dead saint. 

[bellaxgiornata]

What would you get our traumatized Irish Catholic boys for Christmas? And what about our traumatized Italian Catholic and cocky Vampire?

Ahh Soulie I love this question so much but OMG I had to THINK for this one!! Mostly for Owen and Henry because we don't learn too much personal stuff about Henry (plus he's a centuries old vampire so like...what the hell would you gift him?). And I think I'm only just starting season three of Boardwalk Empire so what I thought of for Owen is more of a funny gift. I'd probably have a better answer once I've seen more of him in the show if I'm being honest. But anyway, for those who're curious on my gifting ideas and thought process for Matt Murdock, Michael Kinsella, Frank Castle, Owen Sleater, and Henry (whatever his last name is 😆), I'm putting everything below the cut cause y'all know I'm longwinded 😅

Also feel free to join in on ideas in the comments because I'd love to hear what other gift ideas y'all would have!

Gifting something to Matt Murdock seems like...an impossible task to me. Whenever I write fics, I honestly hate coming up with ideas for a character to gift him something 🤣 Why? Because this man doesn't remotely scream materialistic. I mean he barely makes any money at his law firm and is all too happy to be paid in bananas. And his only hobby is illegal and probably going to get him killed. So what the hell do you get Matt?

Personally, I'd gift him some sort of spa day or a long ass massage. He'd certainly need to be forced to take the time for himself and use it, but you know that man's battered and worn body would welcome a nice, long massage. Then maybe treat him to a nice dinner at a great restaurant because I always worry this man isn't eating enough.

Bonus gift: I'd give him a weighted blanket, too. I feel like it would help relax him on the nights he doesn't go out beating criminals.

Okay, this one came far too easily to me for Frank Castle. I'd gift him a rescue dog. Why? THIS MAN NEEDS A DOG OKAY. Frank and a dog just go together in my mind.

I also think Frank would thrive and heal a little from the unconditional love of a furry friend. And he could certainly use the company from a canine companion. I just know a dog would bring a smile to this man's face and bring out that softer, non-murder-y side that we all know is there inside of him. And honestly, I worry about how incredibly alone Frank feels after losing his family. So a dog would be perfect.

Bonus gift: Possibly some new books to read because I imagine this man doesn't enjoy much television in his downtime.

This one also came far too easily to me. I'd gift Michael Kinsella with a little vacation literally fucking anywhere calming and peaceful outside of Dublin. He desperately needs to get away from the stress of his family's business and just his crazy, shitty family in general. They're obviously not good for his health and I think he could seriously use the break. I'd also get him some less depressing books so his ass stops just reading Steinbeck and starts reading something else. You need some new books, Mikey.

Bonus gift: I'd surprise him by having his daughter Anna come along on the vacation. After eight years in prison, those two could really use some bonding time without Mikey's meddling family.

This is where things started to get tougher for me. Like I said, I'm barely in season three of Boardwalk so I feel like I don't know much about Owen personally. He hasn't had that much screen time besides some killing, scheming, and sex. So this gift idea was a bit more on the entertaining/funny side. I think further into the series I could come up with something far better.

I'd gift Owen an expensive bottle of Irish whiskey and lots of condoms. I mean, it certainly seems like he'd use both of them. The man is...definitely a flirt who has every intention of following through on his flirting 👀

Bonus gift: I don't know, me? Do I count? You can have me for Christmas, Owen.

Okay so Henry is the toughest one for me to answer this for. I mean he's a vampire and he's a few hundred years old and the movie doesn't give that much background or personal information on him. So what would I gift him for Christmas?

Considering he's a few centuries old, I doubt he's materialistic (certainly doesn't seem that way). I doubt he'd like a vacation because I mean...he's probably well traveled. We know he's got some morals since he doesn't feed on humans because he used to be one. So I imagine this vampire would enjoy literature and maybe art--things that connect him to the human side he lost. Though I assume he probably already owns and has read all the classic novels, so maybe I'd gift him something that's current that might resonate with him that he hasn't read yet.

Bonus gift: Maybe an engraved lighter? The vampire does seem to enjoy smoking. Or maybe something handmade and sentimental.

[peaches2217]

Look, I hate to be the one to say it, but if you grew up in a cult and you’re still religious, you never escaped your cult. You’re not a cult survivor, you’re literally still a cult member. I hope you get the help you need.

(I’m assuming you’re referencing my tags on this post?? Lemme know if I’m off-base! 😅)

Oooookay! Little rant under the cut, because while it is a bit of a sensitive topic, I think I have the right to answer honestly!

TW: Religious trauma, abusive relationships, homophobia, just generally deep shit about toxic religious culture

Friendo, with all due respect, you don’t get to tell me what I am or what I’m not when it comes to my religious beliefs. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but I’ve spent the past five years navigating my own thoughts and beliefs after twenty-odd years of being told exactly what to think and how to believe, and that’s something I won’t allow to be belittled or diminished.

I did grow up in a cult. My lifelong church was an Assemblies of God church, which is a denomination already known for being… kinda intense, but I got the “privilege” of seeing it morph into a fledgling cult as I grew up; gradually cutting all associations with all churches outside the denomination, thinly-veiled messages of fear and hate becoming less and less veiled, increasingly vigilant calls to action against “The Enemy,” which went from a vague way of referencing Satan and his influence to referencing literally anyone who wasn’t part of the congregation. I dated a guy who sincerely believed, and preached to a room full of “Amen!”s, that Catholics are all Hell-bound and non-Evangelical Protestants weren’t far behind. I didn’t even think twice about the logic of suggesting a 2000-year-old religion was wrong and illegitimate prior to the past hundred years or so. I was just enamored by his devotion and wisdom.

I was always queer and suppressed it to varying degrees of success before getting my first taste of freedom in college and falling into a relationship that became abusive. I came back home after dropping out, broken and confused, and ran back to the only place I’d ever felt welcomed, but realized pretty quickly that I’d been deemed one of the very same outsiders I was warned about growing up. I threw myself into repentance. I desperately tried to regain favor in the eyes of the church and the God I was raised to believe in. I made the mistake of finally opening up and trusting the pastor enough to confide in him about my abusive relationship, to which he responded with a lecture about MY wrongdoings, followed by him outing me to the entire congregation. One day after service when I was about 21 or 22, I approached my dad while he was talking with the pastor’s wife, and she stopped mid-sentence when she saw me and just walked away in the opposite direction. That was a pretty common reaction people had to me after being outed, but I think that was the moment I realized I had failed to atone and failed as a Christian.

Through it all, my dad spoke with conviction of a God who was gentle, loving, merciful, and kind. I realized late in my teenhood that, for all his devotion to our church, the God he spoke of wasn’t the same God our pastor spoke of. My dad remains a victim of the cult because he was raised to believe all figures of authority are well-meaning — a few months back, my mom tried to sit him down and explain plainly that several of my psychological issues are a direct result of religious trauma inflicted by the church he raised me in, and he sincerely couldn’t wrap his head around the notion. But even as that church has morphed into a cult, he’s held belief in a God and a Christianity more forgiving. I realized during my last few visits to the church, spread over the course of a couple of years, that he’d also been othered, if not quite as hard and suddenly as I was. Even now he’ll express frustration that no one seems to consider his ideas or opinions when he used to be considered a go-to decision maker.

My dad’s no leftist; he’s proudly conservative, supports Trump, and hides his homophobia behind a veil of sympathy for those “called to celibacy” or with a “propensity towards sodomy” (both terms he’s used to describe me, to my face). I love him, and we have a good relationship, but I sincerely worry about what might happen when he finds out I’m trans. His one deviation from the church, his belief that God’s much more willing to love and forgive than the pastor tells us, is nevertheless enough to have him considered an outlier. Being ostracized and forced to look from the outside in allowed me to see that and realize “Hey, hold up, that doesn’t make sense.”

So for the past half decade, I’ve been doing something that goes directly against everything I was ever taught: examining my beliefs and determining what I truly believe and what I only believe out of indoctrination and fear. Looking at the Scriptures in their original forms and historical-political contexts, and examining its English translations through the same lens. Discerning the difference between what’s biblical and what’s Christlike, how much of Christianity is God’s true word and how much is the agenda of men, challenging myself to question everything I’ve ever known and acknowledge that maybe what I learned was just wrong.

It’s… largely been uphill, but it’s a battle I’m not fighting alone. My girlfriend is a huge source of support; having someone that’s so close to me yet so far removed from the system I was brought up in has been invaluable in opening my eyes to just how fucked up some of the stuff I’ve been taught is. I just earlier this year learned that the Rapture isn’t a widespread belief outside of American Evangelicism, and that it as a concept isn’t even an ancient prophecy, but a relatively recent (like, 19th century, popularized in the 20th century) man made doctrine. My girlfriend, who lacks strong religious affiliation but nonetheless knows her Scripture because she’s from the heavily Catholic Slovakia, was absolutely baffled when I explained what I thought was common knowledge to all Christians. She calls the doctrine “UFO Jesus”.

Since I was at least twelve, I’ve lived in constant fear of the Rapture because I was convinced that, as a “sodomite” who couldn’t bring myself to condemn others like me, all my friends and I would be damned to Hell at any given moment. It’s always been a double-edged sword; fear of damnation is what’s kept me from offing myself several times, but the belief that the Rapture will happen any day and I’ll be tortured for all eternity no matter what I do so there’s really no point in living is a huge part of what got me to the point of wanting to off msyelf in the first place. And I’m learning now that it’s not even a common belief within one of the world’s largest religions, least of all to the extent its importance was pressed within our church. I still struggle to say “I was taught a lie” because that fear of being wrong and suffering greatly for it was part and parcel of my participation in church growing up, but dammit I’m striving to find my own truth instead of the supposed truth drilled into me.

So yes, I’m still religious. But I no longer believe in the God I was taught to believe in. I still haven’t quite figured everything out, and I still struggle thanks to a lifetime of indoctrination, but I’m learning to define my own beliefs bit by bit, and I believe in a God of radical love who mourns what so many oppressive sects of Christianity teach and enforce in His name. And if you don’t believe that, that’s fine! There’s reasons aplenty to be atheistic or antitheistic or religious/spiritual but unaffiliated with Christianity specifically.

But don’t you dare fucking tell me I’m no better now than I was while I was trapped, just because you personally don’t find religion to hold any value. I’m not perfect. I was raised in a deeply flawed ideology and still suffer from holdovers. I’m doing my best to hold myself accountable for those biases as I move forward. But I am, in fact, a victim and a survivor, and I‘ve fought like hell to undo the damage done to me and that I did to others while trapped in that system, and I have every right to be frustrated at those efforts being belittled and to be proud of myself for how far I’ve come anyway.

[carnivore-voyeur]

someone on twt (VERMILl0N, if u care) is mad now that black river is....using 'children of the kult' and theyre saying it "doesnt belong to him" ...tobias using the children of thing is literally just twisting the children of god thing. it doesnt belong to anyone 😭

they will DO ANYTHING TO BE MAD AT HIM now its just annoyign atp

This is going to be very difficult for some Ghost fans to come to terms with, but Ghost is derivative. I know that. Tobias Forge knows that. Any reasonable person with even the tiniest education on the metal scene, alternative fashion, religious cults and the occult, etc. would know that. Ghost would literally not exist without the existence of The Catholic Church, from which the bulk of its imagery is based off of. It also wouldn’t exist without the hundreds to thousands of years of lore referencing Satan, Lucifer, Demons, Legion, and so on.

They’re out of their damn minds if they think Per is stealing ideas from Tobias. Per’s been rocking his inverted pentagram longer than Ghost has been around. Per also popularized the use of the As Above So Below hand gesture on stage during Ghost’s performances. Per is also more of a theistic satanist whereas Tobias is atheistic. The way the both of them talk about Satan and Satanism is different, and Per has religious beliefs and practices important to him that aren’t necessarily part of Tobias’ own beliefs and practices.

Anyone who assumes any of the nameless ghouls are just building off of Tobias’ fame and “genius” are suffering serious fandom brainrot to begin with. I’m sure these same people would get defensive and pissed off if a metal elitist told them Tobias stole the face painted looks of the papas from King Diamond… which has happened before. They confuse Ghost belonging to Tobias with anything mildly associated with Ghost belonging to Tobias and that’s just plain ignorant.

The Black River Kult is dedicated to the psychopomp ferryman Charon from Greek Mythology. Cult used to refer to sects dedicated to specific gods, goddesses, and/or mythological figures. The term “children” as used within cults, either in real life or in popular (horror) media predate the existence of Ghost. Absolutely nothing about The Black River Kult is related to Ghost and in Per’s own words it will never be music related. It is about Per’s interests and his interest only, and it’s whatever he wants it to be.

I love Ghost, but these types of fans who think they’re doing something for Tobias annoy the shit out of me. Anyone who kisses his ass over every little thing at the expense of other people, especially people he’s worked with, annoy the shit out of me. I think Tobias is very talented and creative, but again… Ghost is derivative. It is intentionally derivative. You would think people would realize this, but hell there are fans whose favorite “Ghost songs” are actually covers that they don’t realize are covers 💀

[morally-grey-girlbosses]

Archbishop Rhea/Seiros Propaganda Post

It’s not talked about enough that she is probably the most morally gray character of the game with many of her actions having good intentions, but not going about it in the best way.

She made a lot of difficult choices with no way of knowing the future consequences. Needed more screen time, she only got 1 war crime compared to Edelgard’s 15, she deserved the chance to commit more.

She stabs a man to death in the opening cutscene, sacrifices herself numerous times to save people, and offers weed to students. She has the range.

Listen to me!!! She is the best example of moral ambiguity in the game. Too many people wrongly attribute bad things in game to her and project their religious trauma onto her and make her out to be the bad guy just because of a little catholic aesthetic. I’ve even seen people believe she is homophobic and racist despite the fact that she is bisexual AND has had assassination attempts on her life because she DOESN’T discriminate based on race. To understand her you need backstory.

Rhea is from a race called the Nabateans, the literal children of the goddess known as Sothis. They were more advanced than humans, but decided to share their technology with them anyway. Bad idea if you are familiar with Star Trek’s prime directive. The humans let the power go to their heads and started a devastating war. By the time it ended the whole continent was in such bad shape, Sothis had to use up a majority of her power to heal the land and then went into a healing sleep.

Centuries later, the Nabateans are living peacefully in their own city when the group of people that started the old war (now called Agarthans) convinced a bandit group to help them kill the Nabateans. It was a literal genocide (referred to in-game I believe as the Red Canyon Massacre) with only 9 known survivors of an entire people. It gets worse though. The bandits drank the blood of the slaughtered Nabateans to gain their powers (crests) and tore out their hearts and bones to create weapons. To avenge her family and fight back against the continent wide conquest by Nemesis (lead bandit who killed her mother) Rhea took on a new name (Seiros) and led a resistance effort while pretending to be a human oracle. She won in the end, but that is where the moral ambiguity comes into play.

History is written by the winners, and Rhea chose to lie. Specifically, she changed the origin of Nemesis’ power. She spun it that he didn’t kill the goddess, Sothis gave him her powers to be a holy warrior, but he became evil and betrayed her. In her sadness, Sothis left the mortal world and called upon other holy warriors (Rhea and co.) to defeat him. The crests and “holy” relics (bone weapons) weren’t created from slaughter, they were direct blessings from the goddess. Other bandits who killed her family, actually heroes on her side. Why, you may ask, did she do this? To protect her remaining family. The war had lasted for around 100 years due to the Nabatean blood extending the bandits lifespan and had given them super human powers. They had had kids and even grandkids. The powers were noticeable, significant, and had to have come from somewhere. She could either:

Tell the truth. The bandits killed the goddess and her people, and now the bandits entire family had inherited proof of this horrific act. Pros: the bandits are not seen in a good light and she doesn’t have to be nice to them. Cons: she has put a target on the remaining Nabateans as sources of inhuman power for unsavory people. Also, the bandits descendants suffer for their ancestors crimes. (There is an example of this in game.)

Lie. Crests were blessing, but the goddess left after her gift was abused. Pros: hides Nabateans existence and makes the bandits in her debt for not being seen as evil. Cons: she has to pretend she is not surrounded by the blood of people who took her family from her and are using their bones as weapons. She chose to lie. This eventually led to the development of crest-based importance in society. Those with crests were more highly valued which led to discrimination and favoritism based on it. This is mainly for nobility, commoners didn’t give a shit about it other than “proof you are related to a specific guy”. So some people in the fandom are mad at Rhea for this and think she should have told the truth to prevent magic blood based elitism as if that would have prevented wealth and power based inequality.

Another morally ambiguous action she did was temporarily slow down the the progress of human advancement. She had seen what can happen when humans get a hold of dangerous tech (prime directive!!!) and ALL bans were done to prevent more fighting. Examples:

A printing press. Exist in current canon, but was temporarily banned due to the potential “of mass circulation of misinformation and malevolent rumors”. Guess what happens in game. A character has an “information campaign” to promote a war of imperialism and spread anti-religious and Nabatean sentiments.🙃

Telescope. Specifically because “the ease of locating enemy camps would escalate wartime violence”.

Black oil. Due to “misuse could result in accidental death” and “competition for it could cause strife”. (I am 100% on Rhea’s side for this, fuck fossil fuels)

Note: people try and say that she also banned autopsies, but in-game books only say that a Cardinal wanted them banned with no evidence that Rhea agreed to do it.

Also, another divisive action Rhea took was the attempted resurrection of Sothis (this has two parts). The first was her creation of homunculus. Her process for this was to create an empty body as a shell and then put the goddess’s heart into it and hope she entered into and took over the body. She did not and instead the homunculi all developed their own consciousnesses. Rhea did this 12 times over the course of 1000 years meaning she probably let each one live out a human lifespan and tried again after they died. This one is only really ambiguous because a lot of people incorrectly assumed that she had been kidnapping children and experimenting on them instead of creating the bodies. I try to avoid arguments about whether she should have created the homunculi in the first place, because they kind of start to sound like those arguments about whether women in XYZ situations should be allowed to create life/have children (if that makes sense).

The second part is her attitude and treatment of Byleth (the main character). Byleth was stillborn and Sitri (Byleth’s mom and Rhea’s 12th homunculus) was dying from birth complications. Sitri begged Rhea to remove the goddess’s heart (which brought her to life) and use it to try and save Byleth. Rhea, who saw Sitri as a daughter, agreed to do it. Some players found this unforgivable for experimenting(???) on Byleth and not asking the father(???) for permission. Rhea’s attitude toward Byleth when they grow up is weird writing wise. Some scenes imply that she believes Byleth to be the goddess reincarnated (sort of true) and in other scenes she implies that they are a vessel for Sothis to possess (also sort of true). So that’s another point for ambiguity.

LASTLY (I’m almost done), the scene near the end of the one route where Rhea is an enemy instead of an ally. The player character’s team has almost won, most of the continent has been conquered, and the last remaining of Dimitri and Rhea’s rebel forces are trapped in a fortress city not suitable for sieges. Rhea decides “I am taking you to hell with me :)”, turns into a dragon, unleashes the hidden Nabatean high tech robots, and has the WHOLE city set on fire with civilians implied to still be inside. Big girlboss moment and honestly considering why she is the final boss I don’t blame her for going ape shit.

[iaus]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

ANYTHING YOU LIKE I WOULD LOVE THE DIRECTOR’S COMMENTARY ON ANYTHING!!!

oh. i know. i know. okay. this is gonna be kinda wild because i'm gonna reference a few of my other fics for this but i feel like it's important for how the scene got written but.

epilogue. my beloved.... chapter 9. let's get some magic going.

i feel like i mentioned in a reply to a comment once that the scene where jace steals the spell in chapter 9 that how i wrote the magic was greatly influenced how i wrote magic in my darkest dungeon fic (thinking about this because i reread the fic that inspired this). i remember, later, i was like. i forgot to mention how gale bg3 affected this whole thing. so bear with me. i'll bold the part where i start actually going over the scene if you wanna skip this talk <3

so to preface this scene. i put a lot of physicality into writing magic. this is partly influenced by damian (the flagellant) from darkest dungeon. damian is a fanatic of the light (the catholic church. it's literally the catholic church.) and uses his body and faith to cast magic. his entire kit is built around using blood, taking wounds from other characters, and sacrificing himself. if you have a flagellant die in darkest dungeon he will stun enemies so your other characters have an advantage against an enemy.

so, for context. that's where a lot of my gnarly magic descriptions come from. that's where the idea for my spell thief mechanic came from because, while i know it's hard to do in dnd, i think magic literally taking a toll on your body is so cool. especially if, like jace, you're pushing yourself to the limit.

but in addition to that gale bg3 is my favorite romance. and, uh, well, spoilers for gale if you haven't played the game, he literally has a piece of the karsite weave in his chest and has to consume magic items so he literally doesn't detonate. the game doesn't really play into this as much as i like. i think he should look haggard and unhealthy or at least have dialogue options about it because there are some dialogues that imply this takes a huge toll on his body. which i mean. makes sense. the karsite weave feeds on magic. there's also further gale meta where i think he's actually a sorcerer who was trained as a wizard BUT I DIGRESS. i wanted to mention this before i got to the scene because it really effected my approach to writing jace.

i love sorcerer as a class. i think it's so interesting and there's so many different ways to play it. we're. not going to get to my jace frustrations though.

BUT. now we can get to the scene from chapter 9 of epilogue.

so, we're now learning more about this power that jace has.

we've only had it kind of alluded to before now. we had the flashback of the bleeding tiefling in chapter 6 and now we're seeing the power in action. the thing that got jace blacklisted from adventuring. (or well. what he says is the big thing. not the. y'know. assaulting a party member with modify memory and then leaving him with brain damage.)

we're gonna start here:

It has been years since he’s attempted this—much less when he’s been pinioned by a god. Porter would have never. Even on his worst days.

i know i structured epilogue to be purposefully vague and a little confusing about what's going on with jace but i want to start with this line because it really shows how much he resents ankarna. and honestly? he is resenting her for something that his grief is causing. grief is such a powerful thing and jace refuses to look directly at his grief. ankarna has never "pinioned" him. she truly was offering jace a gift. she wanted him to have a full, whole life where he could make his own choices without porter's influence. she did not take his magic.

jace is stifling his own magic with the immense weight of the grief and longing he cannot imagine. but, of course, he is going to make this into an ankarna vs porter thing. ankarna will never be able to win as a goddess here. he's going to pick porter every time because jace truly, wholeheartedly believes porter is the only one there for him.

even if he is unsure if porter loves him.

He can feel the strange hollowness—that hungry, infinite well that’s sunk deeper and deeper into him since he reanimated—, but beyond that is the cold font of magic he’s always drawn upon. Familiar. He closes his eyes, focuses upon it, can see the shimmering, pale gold of it gathering just beneath the surface of his skin.

the idea of innate magic is so interesting to me. here's this thing that jace has always known, always connected to. it's familiar. even if he sees it as cruel (and... that also begs the thought. is his magic actually cruel or is it adapting to what jace feels it is). and it's there. it's still there, just hidden. by his grief.

Divinity has always been his favorite—he’s always known the taste and feel of it, intimately.

divine magic is all he knows. his own.... porter's own sort of divinity.... even if porter's divinity... is not all his... epilogue jace is a divine sorcerer... interesting that he's ascending someone. interesting that... maybe the divinity porter has isn't... ankarna's. things to think about for this universe....

NOW. we get into the actual magical casting. my intent with this scene was to really hammer home how much effort this takes jace. at this point he is still sick with resurrection sickness. mechanically resurrection sickness is honestly not that big of a deal. you're worse off with levels of exhaustion (which, honestly, i've been more looking at those rather than the disadvantages of raise dead.)

but we also have our first glimpse of jace earnestly casting something that isn't a cantrip and it's taxing.

He slits his eyes open, to watch the curl of his own fingers, the flex of veins and tendons beneath his skin. Evocation magic has always felt particularly uncreative to him. This feels no less brutish, but even he can make evocation magic something more. The weave around him bends—groaning like an old, cantankerous creature, but slowly it gives way. The air parts, ripping open at the seams. Crackling energy heats the air with a whistling whine. Jace can feel sweat soaking through his undershirt, can feel the way his body shrieks in protest, a new fever already beginning to burn through his body, he smells blood—can feel it dripping down his mouth from his nostrils. He continues, drawing strands of magic from beyond.

you also get to see some of jace's biases. he thinks evocation magic is brutish-- ironic considering what jace is doing right now could be considered brutish. but then he turns it. he says even he can make this brutish thing this brutish kind of magic more. he's better than other casters.

and he immediately feels the effects. he is sweating and bleeding. also, i see jace as a very electric caster. i know we all have our opinions on his preferred damage types but i see him loving electricity and psychic. especially epilogue jace who is... such a strange beast.

and now we get into my favorite part of this chapter. i really liked doing shorter lines for the end of this. jace is on the verge of passing out. he's expended himself for a chromatic orb. a first level spell. as a level 20 caster that's... quite a way to be brought low.

It always hurts the worst before it works. (His God taught him that, intimately.)

epilogue has jace growing-- becoming someone who takes. he doesn't have porter with him. so he'll take porter's teachings to heart to fill that hole.

With a screeching whine and a loud pop, a sizzling ball of vibrant lightning curls in his hand. A weight lifts from his chest. The crushing well of him feels less empty. Blood trickles down his nose, over the triumphant curl of his lips. He can almost hear Porter’s voice in his ear, warm and heavy with fondness, That’s it, sweetheart—there’s my Saint Stardiamond. Jace laughs. See, he thinks as he cradles the stolen, volatile spell in the cup of his shaking, bleeding hand, I could never be yours. And then he collapses.

and the culmination of his efforts.

jace steals a spell. something he should never have. his grief, for the first time, breaks. he pays for it with blood and sweat but he's rewarded. he gets his magic. he can picture porter's pride.

and then. he decides. that's not enough.

he uses this to show ankarna: you'll never be enough for me.

i'd argue this is the moment in epilogue when jace takes his final turn for the worst. he's going to take what he needs. by any means necessary.

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 3 - Catholic Character Tournament

Propaganda below ⬇️

Gabriel

Well he's an angel so I'm taking him being catholic as canon. There are a lot of themes in the game that point to catholisism specifically.

He's so fucking funny. he listens to nine inch nails and quotes one of the songs in a fight basically "fight me like an animal". he and v1 kind of have this yuri thing going on. he has an official bodypillow. hes a metaphor for being excommunicated and no one gets him like me and my friends do

The *true* Catholic experience is leaving the church and having a gay awakening, ask anyone

its debatable if Gabriel truly believes he's "the one true savior" or is mocking the idea of it

ok im actually gonna write some gabe propaganda bc despite what you may expect from a game called ULTRAKILL theres a lot to be said about his character and how catholicism is represented

Gabriel is a genuinely caring person who struggles to square his desire to help people with his duty as an archangel. He's the only one in Heaven trying to make things better for those in Hell, but his faith is used to manipulate him into committing atrocities against the people he used to protect (see the "TRAITOR" mural in 4-2)

he only realizes his mistakes after losing everything and being sentenced to death, but he still decides with only a little time remaining to try and make things right. for the sake of spoilers i will just say that the measures he takes are... extremely drastic and very enjoyable. i just really like the idea that even facing the end of all living things, no matter how steep your crimes, it is never too late to fix your mistakes. you are never unworthy forgiveness.

hes also SO FUCKING GAY for this dumb little robot. it mauled him so hard he tasted his own blood and he fell in love right there. theres no way this guy has a normal healthy relationship to pain he is soooooooooo fucked. i love him. please vote for Gabriel "patron saint of gay lapsed catholics" Ultrakill !!!!!!!!

Shadow

In sonic destruction (the AI generated fan thing snapcube made a while ago) shadow was catholic or something which I think is reallyyyyyyy funny

Ok listen. I know this is a stretch but hear me out. He says “oh my God” in the Twitter takeovers so we know this is a possibility. I see him as a Christ-like figure because I saw his whole confrontation with Mephiles and was like “this is a thing that happened in the Bible??” and the pose Mephiles shows him in is literally like a crucifixion and Mephiles is meant to be a demon / false prophet reference. And also he’s called a demon in Shadow The Hedgehog 2005 then the guy who calls him that is like “I was wrong I’m sorry” and that also reminds me of a thing with Jesus in The Bible. But the biggest reason is his whole thing with Maria cause I think he’d come to earth and hear Ave Maria once and convert to Catholicism idk he’s like we’re comforted by a female familial figure named Mary sometimes called Maria?? And her color is blue????? Heck yeah I’m in because I Will Cry. Also feel free to share this as propaganda obv even if he doesn’t get in the bracket just. It’s funny.

I feel like he’d battle a lot with being seen or portrayed as a demon and how the aliens he’s related to very much look and act like demons idk lmao- and also I feel like confession would just be good for him I think he needs it for his mental health

There is a debate on the lovely website tunblr that Shadow T. Hedgehog is an allegory for Jesus Christ.

He is Jesus, idk what to tell you. He lived, he was sealed away, he was awakened again and deemed the ultimate lifeforms, he’s angry but not evil, does what he believes is best for people and the world at any given time. Total loser.

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

Character Ages in Animorphs Fic

In response to a few questions on my Eleutherophobia fic series, I wanted to spell out the logic of the character ages I’m using.

Jake is 13 when the war starts, 16 when it ends.  This one’s canon: in #53 he says “I was just thirteen when I started. I’m sixteen now.”

Tom is 16 when the war starts, 19 when it ends.  This is an educated guess.  In MM4, which is set at the same time as #1, “Tom” borrows his mom’s car and drives it across town, apparently legally.  So presumably he’s at least 16 when the war starts.  But Jake also says “Tom was going to live out the rest of his years till his eighteenth birthday locked in his room” if their parents found out he’s got a “handgun” (dracon beam).  So at least 16, but not much older, if there are “years” before he’s 18.

Rachel is 14 when the war starts, 17 when it ends.  This one’s pure speculation, but.  The reason I headcanon Rachel as a few months older than Jake is how she sees him early on in the war.  In #2 especially she seems to look at him like a little brother: “Jake is like me, being a little crazy... It bothered me that he was a faster diver than I was.” Later, when she tries to protect him by getting him to leave, she says “Sorry Jake, this time I’m the boss” and tries to dump him off, confirming with a fake plea and “If he had lied to me, he would answer now” — and then she’s shocked that he did lie and didn’t answer her.  Unlike the others, who start the war looking up to Jake for various reasons, Rachel dismisses him as a potential leader at first, and only gradually comes to respect him enough to follow his lead.  As somebody who grew up friends with many of my first cousins, I can relate to the struggle to see the ones younger than me as adults, even the ones that are within months of my age.  Throw in Rachel’s relative level of maturity, grasping almost immediately that “They’ll probably [kill] me but at least they’ll never find out about the rest of you” (#2) in contrast with Jake’s view (according to Marco) that the war is “some video game” (#1), and I just think it fits the characters.

Eva is 36 when the war starts, 39 when it ends.  More speculative still!  However, I like the idea of Eva coming from a relatively traditional gender role: we know she’s Catholic (Visser) and immigrated at a young age (#20).  We also know she’s “incredibly beautiful” (#15) with “shampoo-commercial black hair” (#30) and she had a somewhat troubled marriage to a genius astrophysicist (#15) where she did almost all of the housework and childcare (#5).  She’s also physically fit enough to climb mountains and sail sailboats unassisted.  So I headcanon Eva being younger than Peter, married by 20 and with a kid by 23, and having a pretty traditional marriage — Peter with the only income, Eva a full-time parent — before Edriss shows up.

Anyway, Jake’s literally the only character with a canonical age, and K.A. Applegate has said that there were no attempts to plot a coherent timeline for the series, so I don’t think that any of these are the One True Way to interpret Animorphs.  They’re just my preferred interpretations.

[hostilecandle]

🍏 and 🍈 for the writer asks pls!

God I'm so sorry for this ramble 🙏😅

🍏 Is there something you overuse, whether it’s a certain phrase, trope, or piece of punctuation-

Religious Imagery 😅 lmaoooo. I overuse that shit SOOO much. It's in every single fic I've ever written. Doesn't matter fluff or smut or what fandom, I always find a way to work it into the main themes. Literally writing a long af Price x Reader and its title is taken from Psalms 😅😅 I grew up a gay man in a Catholic military family in the Midwest of the United States. Gotta funnel that experience somewhere, so fics it is :D

🍈 Who’s your blorbo and what are some of your favorite headcanons/ideas about them that repeatedly show up in your fics-

Okay this said free pass to ramble about blorbo so I will be taking that opportunity here lol, so my apologies i have many thoughts about this man. I'll use CoD bc it's the fandom I'm in rn so I gotta say John Price (Both the og and reboot though I'm just gonna refer to the reboot Price for this). This man does things to my brain that need to be studied under a microscope I swear 😵‍💫😵‍💫 I have a whole ass character study of him written that's several pages long and I'm still not done.

Headcannons for him (some I've written, some just vibes):

-This man SCREAMS a good ol future midwestern dad type in the making to me. He loves to hunt and fish. He loves the solitude and quiet of both activities, even if he doesn't get anything. Its just peaceful. There is always a beer in the fridge for when the game is on. When he's got a family/partner/retired (whatever you'd prefer), he's a yard guy (yall know the type). I just feel like he cannot sit still when he's home. He's gotta be doing something with himself after years of keeping busy. He's got all the fun toys like a riding mower that is so unnecessary for the yard size but makes him happy. He's always outside in the spring/summer doing something to the yard and god forbid the grass get too tall. He's also not big on socializing with neighbors, a very much a keep to himself and/or his family kinda guy, but he's always SO polite and the ladies in his neighborhood love him.

-From my own homelife experience but it just feels so Price, when he's home he's AWFUL about just leaving his firearm on the counter or coffee table or bed side. Just wherever he remembered to take it off and set down and it's just another thing to forget where he set it like his phone and wallet. Speaking of, he's terrible about losing his phone/keys/wallet/etc. He has a little dish by the entry that he swears he puts it all into but they're never there when he goes to leave and he has to scramble to find them every time

-He's a coffee drinker (black with just a little sugar) and unironically loves to read the paper whenever he gets the chance. He's a small talker and enjoys it, he talks about the weather, gas prices, taxes, and match scores. He gets bored easily when just waiting around and will chat with just about anyone

-He has horrific night terrors and carries a lot of guilt for things he's done in his job. He firmly believes it was all necessary and worth it for the greater good but he wrestles with himself a lot. I personally like to think when Gaz pushes him on it after the interrogation in MW, it actually rattled him a bit. Not because he felt any guilt necessarily for what had just happened (I don't think he felt any in that instance), but because that's one of the first times someone else has pressed him on his moral convictions. "You draw the line where you need it" is not a belief that comes from nowhere or from a man who hasn't wrestled with himself and asked himself the very same questions Gaz was throwing at him. He meant every word he said though and while I feel guilt will catch up to him in the late hours of the night some nights after years of living like this, he fully believes he's justified in everything he does and it's integral to his character and who John Price is as a person

-He's a staunch atheist. Baptized but never believed in a God really anyways but after the things he's seen, he can't find it in himself to even entertain the thought. That being said, in the bottom of his desk is one of those old fashioned crosses that's hollow that holds holy water and one's last will and testament. Obviously being in the military there's already the records of his will but keeps that in his desk regardless because on the off chance he's wrong about there not being a God, it doesn't hurt to be safe.

He's SUCH a Girl Dad™ in the making. He would THRIVE with having a daughter. I'm talking the tea parties, tiaras, letting her put makeup on him, his nails, all of it. He'd support her in any endeavors growing up and would do his damndest to be in the crowd any chance he can get. He'd be her biggest fan. Pictures of her on his desk, in his wallet. Always bragging about his daughter when he gets the chance because he'd be so proud of her

He's a salt of the earth kinda guy. Just has very classic masculinity. Like he's a Man™ and takes pride in it. But its in the, "I'm gonna take care of everything because this is how I care for what's important to me" way. He enjoys being the handyman around the house and who people come to because they respect him. He has a Project Car in the garage that he swears he'll get to and the back is littered with power tools and lumber

(Okay this parts not headcannon because he not old, he's only 37!!) He's actually very tech savvy and likes things to be as up to date as he can get so everything runs smooth.

He feels personally responsible for the wellbeing of the other main 3 of 141 but not in a fatherly way like people think, but these men are his brothers and he hand picked them, he has so much faith in their abilities. (However he unwittingly becomes a mentor figure to Soap very much against his knowledge and will lol)

He had to shave once for an Op and the boys ragged him so hard he refuses to ever shave again. Genuinely fucked him up a bit lol

He has a temper. He's got a good lid on it 99% of the time but its always simmering underneath

Has a wicked sense of humor. Most people don't know or recognize it but he's actually the funniest person in the 141. He's always cracking jokes to break the tension but he says it with such a straight face before breaking into smile to let you know he's joking.

[anduinwrynngaysex]

Well go on. Tell me what you think would give that man a boner

Oh I'm so glad you inquired

First of all, I've already made my views clear that he is Not a sub bottom. He is Not. He's a dom vers. He's incredibly suppressed and anxious about being too overbearing or losing control and hurting people, so he uses sex as an outlet for that.

I also decided that hes into somno. Call this one a burst of divine inspiration, but I think that Anduin wants, more than anything, trust. He wants to trust and be trusted by someone, and the most intimate possible form of trust for him is sex. There's no hiding yourself in bed. He's literally and figuratively naked. So what's the biggest expression of trust within sex? CNC, somno, free use, etc. it's saying to someone "I trust you so completely with my body and my emotions that you can have complete access to me whenever you want, even if I'm sleeping." Of course there's a lot of anxiety that comes with that, a lot of "are you sure?" and "what if you change your mind?" and reiterating the safe word over and over. I also think sleep in general would get Anduin worked up. I think he would stay up a little later than who he's with, just to watch them sleep. Having someone sleeping in his bed, completely vulnerable, open for any kind of harm to come their way. PTSD and depression and all that also tend to affect someone's sleep schedule, so for him there would be that feeling of being so totally and thoroughly relaxed that he *can* get a good night's sleep with someone.

Next we move on to sex magic: Yes. The light is this holy pure healing force, divine protection from above, it can also be used as restraints/chains and it can be used to cause pain. 100 in 1 sex toy and he's the best at it in the world. Imagine him using the light to suspend me someone up in mid air in spread eagle position. also he's not a holy priest, he's a discipline priest. What I'm saying is he could summon void tentacles. Sex magic.

Finally; Breeding kink. This is huge. This is everything to me. I don't care what anyone else says. Blizzard could come out tomorrow and say "anduin wrynn hates cum" and I'd respond by firebombing them. He is part of a monarchy. There is no way he was not drilled his whole life about "producing the perfect heir" and how do you do that huh? What bodily fluid makes babies? He has been told his whole life his divine purpose to keep the entire world in order is to impregnate someone. Fundamentally, that is what a king is. his bloodline is considered fucking sacred. His jizz is universally considered in that society to be the best jizz. You can't live that life and not end up with funny feelings when you think about barebacking. It's the Reddit post that's like "I used to be catholic cause I was super into the idea of sex only for procreation, turns out that's just a breeding fetish."

Anduin sex post pls enjoy

[exvangelicalrage]

Sin Is Fake

6/5/23

I realized something this week. Which is that I don't believe in sin. Obviously, I don't believe in a lot of things, including god, christianity, and literally anything, haha, but I realized this week that I'd been taking the idea of "sin" as a given.

The idea of sin has been a constant in my life since my birth; only a few weeks after we came home from the hospital, my parents had me "dedicated" in front of the church congregation, which is the protestant alternative to the catholic baby baptisms. Instead of saving your soul, however, it's merely a commitment by christian parents to "raise their child in the way he should go" or whatever. And in this case, that meant raising their child to believe they were inherently sinful and needed to be saved by jesus in order to go to heaven. 

I've long determined that people are not inherently sinful; that babies are not evil from the moment they are beget; that children do not need to plead forgiveness for imagined wrongs. 

But the idea that perhaps sin simply... doesn't exist at all? That is new.

When I was five, I kneeled next to my bed on the pink throw rug my great grandmother had given me, clasped my hands together, and said, "Dear jesus, please come into my heart and forgive me." As I said the words, there was a deep sense of "this is what I'm supposed to do in order to get to heaven." I hadn't quite put together the "I'm sinful and need to be forgiven" part, despite the emphasis on that during Sunday school and vacation bible school, but I knew the words and I said them and I meant them. 

But as I grew, it didn't take me long to fully understand what "sin" was. 

Sin was whining about chores. Sin was arguing with my brothers. Sin was being obstreperous. Sin was reading instead of cleaning my room. Sin was talking back to my parents. Sin was watching other kids get picked on in school and doing nothing. Sin was not wanting to do my homework. Sin was getting bad grades. Sin was not listening to the teacher. Sin was watching movies. And listening to secular music. And reading books with swear words in them.

Sin was doing anything that upset my parents for any reason. 

Sin was lack of total perfection.

Sin was making god mad.

I asked for forgiveness regularly. As a 7 year old. As a 10 year old. As a 12 year old. I knew my soul was irreparably blackened, and jesus was the only one who could cleanse me and guarantee my way into heaven. 

When I reached my teenage years, I continued to pray for forgiveness, but I tacked on an extra little request at the end of my prayers: "Please forgive me, and also, if you notice me doing something wrong, could you just let me know?"

"If I'm doing something and don't realize it's a sin, could you please point it out to me?"

"I'm not entirely sure quite what I'm doing wrong, but I know it must be something, so please forgive me even for stuff I don't realize is wrong."

It's a pretty heavy weight, to walk around thinking that you're perpetually committing grievous offenses but have no idea what they are. To believe that god is incessantly watching every movement, every choice, and every thought, and judging you accordingly. Especially as a child. And sure, the pastors said "his blood covers it all" but what does that even mean? And if his blood covers "it all" why couldn't we just be regular people? Why did we have to focus on being as perfect as possible? 

The thing is, though, the existence of sin is necessary to christianity. If humans weren't inherently "sinful" then what would the point of christianity be? Because if we weren't inherently sinful, nothing would be preventing us from accessing heaven. We wouldn't need jesus, we wouldn't need the bible, and most of all, we wouldn't need the church. 

Sin, at least in a christian context, is a direct and willful violation of god's will. But in order for it to be real, a.) god has to exist, and b.) we have to be able to determine what his will is—irrefutably. But since god (if he exists) hasn't provided a clear-cut directive... how can we possibly ensure that we aren't violating god's will? And if we can't know his will, we can't violate it on purpose.

Hence, sin is fake.

But if pastors, leaders, humans make clear-cut statements that say, "This is wrong and I know because god told me so," then they can claim that your violation of their commandments is sin, and in doing so, they strip access to heaven from you.

The idea of sin allows humans to control other humans. Even humans who don't believe in their ideology.

But if sin doesn't exist in the first place? That hill they're standing on is nothing but air.

To be clear, I think mistakes are real. I think we can do things that we wish we hadn't. I think we can cause harm. We can do things that upset or cause pain or discomfort toward other people, ourselves, or the world around us.

But sin? Nah.

I think I still carry this weight, even though I left christianity over a decade ago. 

It's clearest for me in this subconscious  pressure that suggests I'm "living a sinful lifestyle," despite the fact that even according to christian standards, my "lifestyle," as it were, is pretty innocuous. I'm straight & hetero, married and monogomous, donate and volunteer to causes, mind my own business most of the time. But I do swear. And read romance novels (with sex scenes *gasp*). And I'm not christian. Which all equals "sinful lifestyle" in my subconscious, I guess.

But there's a lot of freedom in being able to look an action in the face and say "What harm does this cause?" If the answer is "It causes no harm," I can move on with my life. And if the answer is "It causes this specific harm," then I can remediate to the best of my ability. 

Litter? I can donate to an environmental organization or pick up more trash than I dropped. 

Give voice to my internal biases, even unintentionally? Apologize immediately and truthfully. Or donate to an anti-racist/feminist/trans-inclusionary/disability activist organization if an apology isn't possible. Or all of the above! 

Steal something? Give it back. Pay for it. Go to jail. Whatever. Make amends.

There is freedom in accountability. There is freedom in taking responsibility for my misdeeds. I don't need jesus or christianity to "save" me. All I need to do is own up to my behaviors, decisions, and choices, and the consequences therein. 

I can make amends. All by myself. No penance, priest, or prayer necessary.

If everyone did this, instead of just "praying for forgiveness," I think the world would be a lot less shitty place.

-----

A not-exactly side note: 

If I'm being honest, I think this whole blog is partially about me trying to make amends in a way. It's also therapy through writing, an exploration of my feelings, and a process to think through some of the concepts and ideas that still nag at me. But I could do all of that without sharing it online.

The one thing I feel more guilty about than anything in my life, was the evangelism I did as a teenager. I talked down to other people. Tried to convince them they were evil. I built walls around myself, and judged everyone else as either "saved" or "unsaved." I roped people in, with music and a pretty smile and the threat of hell. 

I understand that I was still a child. And that the religion I wielded was placed into my hands by adults. That it's not entirely my fault. I know I was trying to do what was right. But I also feel strongly that I caused harm to those around me. Harm I regret to this day.

I made it out. But not without casualties.

It's a strange type of survivor's guilt.

So I'm hoping that writing out & sharing my experiences, feelings, and pain will maybe help somebody somewhere. I want to do something good that directly counteracts the harm I caused then. Maybe I can support someone leaving the church now, validate someone who is questioning, or offer logic, reason, and experience to help someone see the door. 

Maybe it'll help, maybe not. But it feels like the right thing to do.