#also this is coming from me a catholic who literally has little to no idea about the practices of my own religion

[argeriant18]

Weird thought but don't you find it cool and oddly fitting that Susan is gifted a horn. The whole point of it is that once you use it then help will always come to her. It's oddly fitting and quite foreshadowing as well, knowing that she's the one who strays from the path of Narnia. But also it's a bittersweet and hopeful thought because she should be willing to receive help. She can never come back to Narnia until she resolves her feelings about it within herself. And once she has that peace in herself, she can then seek out Narnia. Like an old verse: seek and you will find, I think that the horn operates on that level too: help will come to her, they will find her, so long as she is willing to call out and receive that help.

[maybe-boys-do-love]

What are some possibly significant queer associations with St. Bartholomew for Ticket to Heaven?

I'm glad you asked!

For those who don’t know, Bartholomew’s considered one of Jesus’s twelve disciples, but barely mentioned in the Bible. It's generally agreed that he is referred to also as Nathanael in the gospel of John, and as someone with the name Nathaniel, which means gift of God in Hebrew, I can tell you that’s a gay-ass name and will also def make me cry if I think too hard about Gem's character having that parallel during the show).

Bart’s often depicted holding his flayed skin (ew gross!) from when he got martyred, most famously in queer Italian Renaissance artist Michelangelo’s "Last Judgment" painting in the Sistine chapel at the Vatican. The skin St. Bart’s holding there is actually a (skinned) self-portrait of the artist. Peek at Aof’s insta and you’ll see that he actually visited the work. It’s giving queer influence in (Catholic) Christianity and autobiographical reference, baby ✨

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Bartholomew and another disciple Philip, who was written to have introduced Bartie to the big JC party and to have traveled with him after JC’s post-post-mortem, are mentioned in a translation by Yale scholar John Boswell of a liturgy for an adelphopoeisis ceremony between two monks from the tenth century. Boswell argued that adelphopoeisis, or spiritual brotherhood unions in the pre-sodomy-law-era early church should be understood as same-sex unions. This, as most discussion of gay shit with the Church, has been controversial, although some of those controversies are issues with Boswell’s translation. There does seem to be some evidence that these spiritual brotherhoods were understood to have the potential to be sexual in nature. Either way, it seems likely Aof has come across Boswell’s ideas because it’s pretty prominent in discourse for anyone looking into gay Christian history.

THEN, although it might be unintentional, the Thai-ification of Bart is homophonic with Bath????!!!! If Bart can be short for Bartholomew, y'all are gonna have to let me stretch a little bit past Aof's official statement so Bath can be short for Bathsheba because...

Giving us another Biblical name reference but from the other gender who's THE example of coveting in the Bible/Torah is such a power move! King David sees Bathsheba bathing from his roof and has her over to sleep with him even though she's the wife of one of David's soldiers who's literally off fighting for his kingdom. Then he gets her pregnant. Then David has the poor guy over for dinner and doesn't admit to it, sends him back out and has him put in the front lines to get killed. He dies and Bathsheba mourns for a bit before becoming David's wife. It's heterosexual failure! It's the temptations of the flesh! It's one of the inspirations for Leonard Cohen's cold and broken Hallelujah! This connection reframes the queer temptations as something no less normal than heterosexual desire.

After all, David is the good guy. The celebrated little David who killed Goliath. It's essential to trace Jesus's lineage back to this most-celebrated king in the Bible for the messianic prophecies to be correct. So giving us a reference to this venerated and simultaneously deeply human figure really complicates the kind of Christianity that expects immaculate humans.

And, Bathsheba wasn't David's only paramour. Researching same-sex relationships in the Bible, David and Jonathan will be at the very top of the list. "The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul...Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his girdle." That's coming from the book of Samuel in the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, which was the first in 1946 to have any reference to word ‘homosexuality,’ using it to replace in the King James Version "abusers of themselves with mankind" and "effeminate” (which at that time did not have the common association with gay men the way it does today) on the list of sinners barred from heaven. Would David have been far enough on the Kinsey scale to qualify? Well, David had some other wives on top of Jonny and Bath, too. Whatever happened to family values!?

Of course, Bath also gives us images of washing and purifying alongside the sacrament of baptism!

The Bartholomew connection deserves more legit emphasis with Aof's statements and actual evidence for his visit to the Vatican, but how fun that the translation gave us another queer part of Christianity even if it wasn't intentional!

Complicating all of this discussion further is Catholicism's very late switch away from Latin and its more emphatic focus on tradition, hagiography, and liturgy rather than the text of the Bible. My ex-Christian fixation is on issues in Reformed Christianities (and I still love me some iconophobia, a topic with which Aof loves to engage), so I know more about the books and interpretations. I'm looking forward to the Catholic and ex-Catholic contributions here as the show gets underway. Like, y'all have been doing the most for production values of a Sabbath!

And to all my ex-Christians who can get sucked into spirals about this stuff, just remember that the concept of God is chill and all if it's just the comforting sense of connection between things in the universe, but any concepts of Christology, sin, or puppet-master deities are literally the most whack things if they're being thought of as anything more than a kind of out-there overly-simplified metaphor for trying to live a life where you can be yourself and get along with other people.

*This info and a great deep dive into the induction of the language and discourse of homosexuality in the Bible and its progressive! roots and aftermath is Reforming Sodom: Protestants and the Rise of Gay Rights.

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 5 - Catholic Character Tournament

Propaganda below ⬇️

Sister Michael

She drives a DeLorean. She does judo on Fridays. She likes a good statue and despises the French. Her full nun name is Sister George Michael, after the guy from Wham!. She is the fiercest nun you’ll ever come across and, if you’re attending Lady Immaculate College, she’s the woman in charge. So whatever you do, if you’re feeling anxious or worried or just need a chat: don’t come crying to her.

joined the nunnery for the free accommodation?

she does love a good statue it has to be said

She is the headmistress of a catholic school <3

sister michael so reminds me of the nuns who taught me. they're tough and sometimes a little harsher than a woman who dedicated her life to god should be but they're also wonderful people. i had a nun teacher who was 60 years old and would do handstands. another nun (also in her 60s) told me god was nonbinary. another was really mean and made me cry. (so did the handstand nun.) while the catholic girls school is The Catholic Experience, the school wouldn't have been the same for me or the derry girls without at least one nun who seemed to have sprung up out of the ground fully formed, ageless.

Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler Propaganda:

good lord where do i start. in the animated series he converts logan to catholisism and then fucks off basically thats the main thing he did there. i think one time they tried to make him a demon to explain how he looked but everyone hated that. he sold his soul one time to help his friends out after he died. he and logan have a weird little gay thing. he was a priest one time but he was made a priest by a fake bishop from a religion that hates mutants iirc so he just wasnt a priest. like 3 people have written him in a way i like and one of those is my friend just talking about how they view him.

wow marvel loves making catholic characters dress/look like demons

Kurt is a mutant who was born to mystique who looks a LOT like a devil (technically is half one but that cannon truth isn’t real go back to bed), his mother dropped him off a cliff when he was born and he was picked up by a Romani group/circus (fuck old comics man) however he then narrowly escaped being sold to a freak show and found himself in a small German town. There he met a kind priest, who showed him God, and he quickly grew attached to the idea- However, it wasn’t long before people began labeling him a demon and soon the whole town was against him with pitchforks and fire. Cornered and injured, Kurt thought this might be the end for him- maybe he would see heaven so long after finding it- but he was then saved by Charles Xavier who invited him to the X-Men. AND ITS BEEN SO MANY YEARS AND HE HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH THERE. SO MUCH. SO GOD DAMN MUCH. BUT THE MOST AAAA THING TO ME CONCERNING HIS FAITH HE WHEN HE LITERALLY DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN BUT THEN BECAUSE OF DRAMA WITH HIS FATHER HAD TO BRING HIS FRIENDS IN WITH HIM FROM THE BEYOND. THEN WITH ALOT OF TROUBLE THEY FOUGHT HIS FATHER AND THE ONLY WAY KURT SAW TO STOP HIM WAS IN A MOVE THAT STRIPPED THEM BOTH OF THEIR SOULS AND PUT THEM BACK ON EARTH. SO KURT CANONICALLY HAS NOW LOST HIS ABILITY FOR ETERNAL PEACE, LOST HIS VERY SOUL, TO SAVE PEOPLE- AND ALSO TOLD NO ONE NOT EVEN HIS GAY LOVER WOLVERINE.

Nightcrawler is a mutant vigilante who looks like a classical demon. He can’t even go to church without people panicking and trying to exorcize him. Despite it all, he’s so full of faith and hope and compassion, and he wants to believe the best of everyone. Also, he’s bffs with an extremely angry Jewish sword lesbian. That has nothing to do with anything, but it’s important to me that you all know that.

What if you were a devout christian and literally looked like the devil? He nearly became the pope, which was a plot by some supervillains that also involved faking a rapture? There is nothing like comics I swear to god.

A catholic who is half demon I don’t think I can better explain a struggle than that. But his character is so relatable to people who feel unwelcome with their congregation because of something that is a part of them but still feeling a connection to the faith. Kurt actively engaged in his faith and shares how his faith helps him through all the things he has faced in life and how he found a home with those of the church who leave the judging to God.

so they made kurt a priest briefly before deciding to retcon it, resulting in nightcrawler actually being part of a plan by villains to promote him to pope then reveal to the world that the pope is a demon. wild.

I have a side blog and a tattoo about him and i really really want him to win

Wisecracking devil-appearing devout Catholic with the Best superpower (teleportation)? HECK YES

German Catholic circus acrobat who looks like a demon & can teleport through a hellish alternate dimension with a puff of sulfur. Character of all time.

hes catholic and his dad is the devil. what could be funnier than that. also hes my silly little guy.

Nightcrawler is the world’s most fun catholic priest. I first was introduced to this kindhearted teleporting acrobat while he saved a boat full of stowaway refugees from inter dimensional pirates with swashbuckling gusto!

[myths-tournaments]

Awful Characters Round 4 (2/4)

Propaganda under the cut!

BENNY

The first thing that happens in new vegas is that benny fucking shoots your character in the face, steals your shit and leaves you in an open grave. Benny is by all accounts a bastard. He kills you, steals from you, he killed his last boss, he is the single most duplicitous man around. His gang are all about honesty- except him. He's a lying, cheating bastard. The guys who helped him catch you? He skipped on paying them and left them to get shot to death. His new boss, mr.house? He stole his robot, broke it open, got someone to reprogram it and decided to use it to TAKE OVER THE WHOLE OF VEGAS. Benny literally kills people, lies to people, steals their shit and takes charge. That's all benny does. He gets fucking CRUCIFIED if you don't help him out just because so many people fucking hate him. And yet. And yet. Benny is the single most compelling character in the whole game to me. He's just a little guy! He's just there! You can get shot in the head and come back and he goes "what in the goddamn" and then if you try and flirt with him he's like "uhhh sure? Okay?" And leaves you a polite note in the morning. He's fancy. He wears a stupid suit. He has a tiny gun with shitty bullets. He's catholic. He talks like an old timey news presenter. Literally nobody else in the entire game does that. He's got an intelligence of 3. He's my funtime boy. My silly little man. He's so funny. The antagonist in this game is a guy dressed like a tablecloth who looks at all times like a confused dog who doesn't understand what a tv is. And like. He's compelling. He robs from you, shoots you, but…. he never seems to actually wish you harm. He kills and robs and lies but like. He apologises for doing it to you. When he sees you again he doesn't attack you, he's just… confused. He tries to defuse the situation. You can convince him to talk to you, alone, with no guards and it's not that hard. If you spare his life, he doesn't go after you, like. Even if you sleep with him he doesn't take advantage of that and kill you, even if you try to. He… he just leaves. He gives you an apology. If he gets kidnapped by Caesar He just… apologizes again. He tells you his whole plan to take over the city, too. He thinks he'll die, and he wants something of him to survive. He's happy that you made it. And if you let him free, he just… leaves. He knows he's beat, he doesn't want to cause any more trouble. He walks out and leaves. The NCR will kill you if you cross them. The legion will crucify you. House? He'll blow you the fuck up. But benny, the guy who lies and cheats and schemes, he's honest. He's polite. He's… harmless. You can kill him with a single shot if you want. And he can't kill you. He doesn't kill you the first time, and he'll never really hurt you again. Benny just wanted to win. When he knows he's beat he just leaves. No lingering, no harm, he's off, off into the desert heat, and never seen again. Isn't that just insane? like have you ever known an antagonist so polite? He just leaves!! He offers you a drink!! His plan is genuinely probably the best one for the people of new vegas!!! He's. Benny is Benny. Anyway if you want to see some REAL propaganda go to the blog letmebegaytodd and look in the #benny tag. You'll Understand < https://www.tumblr.com/letmebegaytodd/717051175751614464/in-another-life-i-wouldve-really-liked-just> <- look at this shit man

AZULA

Azula explicitly considers herself a monster. She says needlessly cruel things to her brother and friends. She kills the show's twelve-year-old protagonist and masterminds the idea of burning down the entire Earth Kingdom to force them to submit to Fire Nation rule. I have absolutely seen people get called abuse apologists for thinking she's a cool character. But she's also a (canonically) mentally ill fourteen-year-old who was raised by her father to see her ability to be weaponized as her only value. Her mother, arguably the only adult in her life who could have had a positive impact, had a strained relationship with her because she was more difficult than her brother, and then disappeared when she was nine. Her uncle, who was her brother's main healthy role model, took absolutely no interest in her. She watched her father belittle her brother for years and eventually throw him away when he failed to meet his expectations, so that was a threat she was always facing. She really had no chance. And she also has moments that suggest she wants some sort of meaningful connection with another person. She lets her brother take credit for killing the Avatar so he can come back from exile, even though it means she'll be bumped back in the order of succession and offers him advice that seems genuine. Her spiral into a mental breakdown starts when her friends betray her. She's just a much more interesting and multifaceted than a lot of the fandom gives her credit for.

[stagefoureddiediaz]

what if we've missed some major Eddie foreshadowing???

What if we all followed the red herring and missed a massive clue the show has given us about Eddies arc?! I'm going back to season 7 - 7x05 to be exact and the conversation Eddie has with Marisol when he gets back from Bucks.

The scene plays out like this;

Marisol: I should have told you, about the nun thing. Eddie: Why didn't you? Marisol: Because no man has ever looked at me the same after he found out. There's two types of guys, the ones that get freaked out by it and the ones who get a little too into it. Eddie: Maybe theres a third? The kind of guy who just needs a minute. Marisol: You don't need to slow walk it. If you're not ready for this... Eddie: Yeah. I don't think I am. Yet. so here's something you don't know about me. This moving too fast. I do it a lot. I just go with my gut and let my head catch up later.

Obviously the literal meaning is obvious - the reality of relationships as experienced when something that has been kept secret is revealed. The meaning of the words said can be taken at face value but thats doesn't have to be the only meaning and fandom explored the subtext.

Now I don't think our theorising about the subtext of Eddies storyline in that episode and that scene being about catholic guilt and it setting up Eddie's reckoning with the catholic faith is wrong - I think it very much is about that. But what if there is a second subtextual meaning hidden underneath the catholic guilt and the set up for a catholic faith arc. One that is part of that catholic faith and Eddie arc, but is also its own thing separate from it?!

I know I always read those lines and the idea of a third guy being a play on the idea of people falling into three categories - religious, agnostic or atheist. The third guy being the agnostic as it sits in the middle of that spectrum. Eddie sees himself as catholic and therefore religious. Even though he is lapsed and therefore agnostic is something he hasn't really grasped about himself because he hasn't needed to. until now.

The conversation preceding the Eddie-Marisol conversation above is also really key for this scene - because it sets up the idea of a third way. There is plenty of subtext and metaphors in that scene - Eddie not wanting to go home is a metaphor for the house of god - the church. Eddie at this point in the scene thinks his only options are to go home - to religion - to be fully practicing, or to not return at all - become atheist. Buck revealing he and Tommy were on a date is a metaphor for the third way - agnostic.

This is still a valid way to view the meaning of the scene and sets up Eddies arc for the rest of the season and going into season 8 really well.

But...

The Eddie - Marisol conversation takes place immediately after Eddie’s chat with Buck - when Buck comes out as bi and Eddie says nothing is going to change between them. A loaded line that make it clear that things have already changed between them and that they will continue to do so.

What if it’s also a metaphor for sex in a more literal sense.

'The ones who get a little too into it' are the ones who enjoy and have sex regularly (we're shown and told that is who Marisol is in this episode multiple times) - we'll use hypersexual as the term here

'the ones who get freaked out by it' are not interested in/ don't want or need sex and don't have it - are ace.

Those are the only two guys Marisol describes and that is key. It is Eddie who suggests a third way and describes what that third way is - 'The guy who just needs a minute' - doing this means that this is who he is - he is the third way which is a metaphor for demi sexuality - needing a minute is short hand for needing a connection - needing a bit of time to build up that connection that then allows sex to become part of the conversation. It’s foreshadowing- hinting at Eddie’s demi-sexuality and setting up his s8 arc. 

Eddie also talks in that scene about really getting to know each other, that line works on all the various levels of subtext as well - Marisol gives eddie that minute and they are shown 'getting to know each other better' getting to know each other better is also a reference to the idea of Eddie seeking out religion again and getting to know that aspect better but it also plays into the idea of demi-sexual Eddie. Him getting to know himself better and not going with his gut without paying attention to his brain. Figuring out that giving himself that time to see if sexual attraction does develop - rather than starting out with sex early on and then panicking when it doesn't.

This plays into what happens later in season 7 with Kim - it gives him the parallel of Shannon - who he was friends with first - which is why he had sexual attraction to her when their friendship turned romantic. Things with Marisol are not following the same pattern - he isn't finding that connection with her. But he's still learning and figuring things out so when he comes across a doppelgänger of Shannon it allows him to test things out further on that front and not just the not being having let Shannon go of it all.

The fact we see nothing remotely sexual for Eddie in the rest of the season with Marisol, and the decision of the show to go with Eddie hugging Kim rather than kissing her along with the Adam and Eve and snake imagery we get with Kim (her hair is up in a snake knot bun) is really interesting.

Whilst the time we see him spend with Kim can be read as being dates (which is the intention and technically what they are) they can also be read another way because of the lack of romance and sex we see when it comes to Marisol. Marisol is the representation of the church - of catholicism. Kim is the opposite end of the spectrum - she is atheism which is why she has the snake knot bun and the leather outfit and also the dark lighting. she is the snake in the garden of eden tempting Eve (Eddie) to eat the apple. If they had kissed in the later scene then it would have represented him eating the apple - him not doing so means he didn't - that he resisted temptation where Eve did not. Its the play on the religious meaning, but its also a play on the sexual spectrum meaning as well - catholicism v atheism v agnostic.

Buck is very heavily connected to all of this narrative. not only because of the scene preceding the scene about three types of guy, but also because it is him Eddie drops Chris off with before he sees Kim and he is the person Eddie opens up to about Kim. He is always the middle ground. He is the representation of agnosticism in the religious subtext and demi-sexuality in the sexual subtext (what Bucks position on the sexual spectrum is is irrelevant - he represents the connection needed to feel sexual attraction in this context)

There is a third subtextual reading as well (again a subtext that is foreshadowing) - that has only become more clear as we've started season 8. They do like their threes in connection with Buck and Eddie!!

Eddie is going to reckon with/seek advice from the church - so he is going to explore his faith which sets up another 3 way situation- this time it’s the religious agnostic and atheist metaphor from a sexuality standpoint- religious = straight - heteronormative, agnostic = bi and atheist is gay - the opposite of heterosexual! 

Eddie won’t need the third way here (or maybe he will - perhaps the show is going to make Eddie Demi and bi - it would be kind of amazing rep if they did. Or maybe Eddie is going to to be Demi and bi initially because he thinks that’s what he is because of Shannon, Ana and Marisol but will ultimately figure out he’s gay when he is shunned by the church for dating a man (metaphorically speaking - it is his parents who would most likely be the representation of this!) 

I don't know how this became so long and how it went off on a tangent I didn't mean it to but here we are welcome to my brain 😂😂😂

[erieri333]

Y'all I'm rambling about Sunday, sorry in advance. First of all, there are many future rambles I will probably make about him because he's a very complex character and I love him but today were just gonna start with little things I've noticed about his design, asides from the obvious (his wings being clipped etc.) So I wanna start off with the piercings in his little head wings, many people have interpreted them differently, but I'm gonna be sticking to the Catholic/religious themes. How I interpreted them is that they don't look like the usually piercings, to me they look like either thorns or nails. For this interpretation I'm going to say that they're nails because in the Bible nails were used to hold people against the cross, I think this is symbolic of how Sunday is being held back and burdened by his own faith, actions, and father. This also continues to further the idea that Sunday is trapped, a bird within a cage, a man on a cross, trapped all the same. Also it would make sense if they added nails into his character design because Sunday has a lot of Jesus imagery, which I might explain more in depth in another post (he is not based off of Jesus, they've just drawn inspiration from him because he's a huge biblical figure, again Sunday is not based off of Jesus and I'm not saying that, it'd be weird if they based their main villain off of JESUS, Jesus is a chill guy and not insane like Sunday) anyways that's one of my points about his design, my next one is the halo, which also has a lot of biblical connotations (obviously cus it's a damn halo) I'd like to start off by pointing out the differences between Sunday and Robin's halos. Sunday's halo is very jagged and spiked, it's very rigid and sharp. Robins is round and smooth and even has little flowers coming out of it. This brings me to my next point, back at it again with Jesus imagery, Sunday's halo is quite literally a crown of thorns. I'll include the definition of the modern term crown of thorns, because I think it applies very heavily to Sunday.

This term is fitting for his character because he carried the burden of the order his whole life and his sister had no idea at all, he has to carry it alone. The point I want to make here is that thorns are something that gets forced into your head, this refers to the fact that Sunday has had his beliefs forced into his head by the dream master from a very young age, which is why robins halo does not have any spikes because nothing was ever forced into her head because she wasn't manipulated like Sunday was. I also think his halo resembles a crown of thorns in general just with how it looks, his halo doesn't hover above his head like Robin's, it floats behind it, the spikes on the inner circle point towards his head instead of away from, if it were to be place on his head like a crown, said spikes would dig into his head. If Robin's halo were to be placed on her head like a crown, nothing would happen to her, she'd be fine, because she's not the one who bears the crown of thorns.

[bellaxgiornata]

What would you get our traumatized Irish Catholic boys for Christmas? And what about our traumatized Italian Catholic and cocky Vampire?

Ahh Soulie I love this question so much but OMG I had to THINK for this one!! Mostly for Owen and Henry because we don't learn too much personal stuff about Henry (plus he's a centuries old vampire so like...what the hell would you gift him?). And I think I'm only just starting season three of Boardwalk Empire so what I thought of for Owen is more of a funny gift. I'd probably have a better answer once I've seen more of him in the show if I'm being honest. But anyway, for those who're curious on my gifting ideas and thought process for Matt Murdock, Michael Kinsella, Frank Castle, Owen Sleater, and Henry (whatever his last name is 😆), I'm putting everything below the cut cause y'all know I'm longwinded 😅

Also feel free to join in on ideas in the comments because I'd love to hear what other gift ideas y'all would have!

Gifting something to Matt Murdock seems like...an impossible task to me. Whenever I write fics, I honestly hate coming up with ideas for a character to gift him something 🤣 Why? Because this man doesn't remotely scream materialistic. I mean he barely makes any money at his law firm and is all too happy to be paid in bananas. And his only hobby is illegal and probably going to get him killed. So what the hell do you get Matt?

Personally, I'd gift him some sort of spa day or a long ass massage. He'd certainly need to be forced to take the time for himself and use it, but you know that man's battered and worn body would welcome a nice, long massage. Then maybe treat him to a nice dinner at a great restaurant because I always worry this man isn't eating enough.

Bonus gift: I'd give him a weighted blanket, too. I feel like it would help relax him on the nights he doesn't go out beating criminals.

Okay, this one came far too easily to me for Frank Castle. I'd gift him a rescue dog. Why? THIS MAN NEEDS A DOG OKAY. Frank and a dog just go together in my mind.

I also think Frank would thrive and heal a little from the unconditional love of a furry friend. And he could certainly use the company from a canine companion. I just know a dog would bring a smile to this man's face and bring out that softer, non-murder-y side that we all know is there inside of him. And honestly, I worry about how incredibly alone Frank feels after losing his family. So a dog would be perfect.

Bonus gift: Possibly some new books to read because I imagine this man doesn't enjoy much television in his downtime.

This one also came far too easily to me. I'd gift Michael Kinsella with a little vacation literally fucking anywhere calming and peaceful outside of Dublin. He desperately needs to get away from the stress of his family's business and just his crazy, shitty family in general. They're obviously not good for his health and I think he could seriously use the break. I'd also get him some less depressing books so his ass stops just reading Steinbeck and starts reading something else. You need some new books, Mikey.

Bonus gift: I'd surprise him by having his daughter Anna come along on the vacation. After eight years in prison, those two could really use some bonding time without Mikey's meddling family.

This is where things started to get tougher for me. Like I said, I'm barely in season three of Boardwalk so I feel like I don't know much about Owen personally. He hasn't had that much screen time besides some killing, scheming, and sex. So this gift idea was a bit more on the entertaining/funny side. I think further into the series I could come up with something far better.

I'd gift Owen an expensive bottle of Irish whiskey and lots of condoms. I mean, it certainly seems like he'd use both of them. The man is...definitely a flirt who has every intention of following through on his flirting 👀

Bonus gift: I don't know, me? Do I count? You can have me for Christmas, Owen.

Okay so Henry is the toughest one for me to answer this for. I mean he's a vampire and he's a few hundred years old and the movie doesn't give that much background or personal information on him. So what would I gift him for Christmas?

Considering he's a few centuries old, I doubt he's materialistic (certainly doesn't seem that way). I doubt he'd like a vacation because I mean...he's probably well traveled. We know he's got some morals since he doesn't feed on humans because he used to be one. So I imagine this vampire would enjoy literature and maybe art--things that connect him to the human side he lost. Though I assume he probably already owns and has read all the classic novels, so maybe I'd gift him something that's current that might resonate with him that he hasn't read yet.

Bonus gift: Maybe an engraved lighter? The vampire does seem to enjoy smoking. Or maybe something handmade and sentimental.

[watchingblsnowandforever]

My (mostly regularly) updated GMMTV 2025 lineup in order of my preference: (they understood the assignment and kept only 1.5 het shows so my work is easier)

Cat for Cash: I am looking forward to this so much you have no idea. FirstKhao in a series with only fluff and found family? A literal dream come true, honestly.

Me and Thee: UNO reverse NLMG meets KinnPorsche with PondPhuwin? Consider me SEATED. I am absolutely here for this and this will become my entire personality. This is your warning <3

A Dog and A Plane: The name could use some work but it seems promising. I have a soft spot for TayNew and just getting off the high of Peaceful Property, and they have never disappointed me. The premise is a little eyebrow-raising, but it's just the pilot so lot of time for fine tuning. Also- MarcPoon.

Ticket to Heaven: This is in between Excited and Hopeful because I absolutely adore GemFourth, and they are brilliant actors, especially Fourth, but no angst for me, thanks. I do understand religious guilt, but I'm not Catholic and I didn't grow up very religious (I mean don't get me wrong my mom is super religious but my dad is agnostic at best so I grew up in this weird middle ground and now I don't believe in God, not really. As it is, my religion is polytheistic.) So I can't wait to see this but I'm also gonna gently poke at it like it's a wild bear first.

Dare You to Death: I love a good mystery, but that's not what drew me to this. JoongDunk did. From a switch in their dynamics in THK to a switch back, this got me hooked. And as I said: mystery.

Whale Store xoxo: cute slice of life fluff with MilkLove? YES. I am a tiny bit weary though, since the last time I was so excited for a MilkLove series, it turned out... well. Not as I'd expected. I still am hopeful, though.

That Summer: WinnySatang? In a Disney BL. Hmm. I wanna see how this turns out, especially for the side couple. Generally speaking, I am not a fan of the amnesia trope (they have three of those lined up like. why.) but I might just like this.

Memoir of Rati: GreatInn? In a historical BL/ period drama?...go on.

My Romance Scammer: Gay rights and gay wrongs all in one place. Need I say more?

Boys in Love: True high school fluff is what I live for. Okay, maybe not entirely true, but I really did like the trailer, and I do love my fluff.

My Magic Prophecy: Someone in GMMTV watched Agatha All Along, and used the theme of tarot cards and fortune telling to cope with Lillia's death. Jokes aside, I like JimmySea and Jimmy playing a doctor is just so funny to me, I might just watch it for the irony. And also, they deserve better after Last Twilight (why, P'Aof.)

Burnout: I will watch this if not for anything else, then the Not Me nostalgia. And Gun in black lipstick and a lip ring. I might stop after a few eps to wait out until it finishes airing though, cause Love Triangle is definitely not for me.

Mu-Te-Luv: Fortune telling, fate, tarots, blah blah blah. Some het, some queer, I'll see which ones I watch (hint: won't be the het ones). Gives me 7 Project vibes, honestly.

Head 2 Head: What in the Bad Buddy. For anyone who hasn't watched the trailers: this is a Bad Buddy rip off, but the parents want them to get along, and one of them has a weird clairvoyant thing going on. Oh, and everyone is studying fashion designing. And the side couple is exes to lovers.

Girl Rules: I see messy lesbians and bisexuals, but I also hear misogyny and patriarchy. Only Friends GL version. I didn't really like Only Friends so-

Only Friends: Dream On: Maybe.

Wu: I have no idea what this is, but it kinda intrigued me. Little bit.

Love You Teacher: Um.

Melody of Secrets: Horror or psychological thriller is not really my thing so I will mostly be ignoring this unless I find something that piques my interest.

[morally-grey-girlbosses]

Archbishop Rhea/Seiros Propaganda Post

It’s not talked about enough that she is probably the most morally gray character of the game with many of her actions having good intentions, but not going about it in the best way.

She made a lot of difficult choices with no way of knowing the future consequences. Needed more screen time, she only got 1 war crime compared to Edelgard’s 15, she deserved the chance to commit more.

She stabs a man to death in the opening cutscene, sacrifices herself numerous times to save people, and offers weed to students. She has the range.

Listen to me!!! She is the best example of moral ambiguity in the game. Too many people wrongly attribute bad things in game to her and project their religious trauma onto her and make her out to be the bad guy just because of a little catholic aesthetic. I’ve even seen people believe she is homophobic and racist despite the fact that she is bisexual AND has had assassination attempts on her life because she DOESN’T discriminate based on race. To understand her you need backstory.

Rhea is from a race called the Nabateans, the literal children of the goddess known as Sothis. They were more advanced than humans, but decided to share their technology with them anyway. Bad idea if you are familiar with Star Trek’s prime directive. The humans let the power go to their heads and started a devastating war. By the time it ended the whole continent was in such bad shape, Sothis had to use up a majority of her power to heal the land and then went into a healing sleep.

Centuries later, the Nabateans are living peacefully in their own city when the group of people that started the old war (now called Agarthans) convinced a bandit group to help them kill the Nabateans. It was a literal genocide (referred to in-game I believe as the Red Canyon Massacre) with only 9 known survivors of an entire people. It gets worse though. The bandits drank the blood of the slaughtered Nabateans to gain their powers (crests) and tore out their hearts and bones to create weapons. To avenge her family and fight back against the continent wide conquest by Nemesis (lead bandit who killed her mother) Rhea took on a new name (Seiros) and led a resistance effort while pretending to be a human oracle. She won in the end, but that is where the moral ambiguity comes into play.

History is written by the winners, and Rhea chose to lie. Specifically, she changed the origin of Nemesis’ power. She spun it that he didn’t kill the goddess, Sothis gave him her powers to be a holy warrior, but he became evil and betrayed her. In her sadness, Sothis left the mortal world and called upon other holy warriors (Rhea and co.) to defeat him. The crests and “holy” relics (bone weapons) weren’t created from slaughter, they were direct blessings from the goddess. Other bandits who killed her family, actually heroes on her side. Why, you may ask, did she do this? To protect her remaining family. The war had lasted for around 100 years due to the Nabatean blood extending the bandits lifespan and had given them super human powers. They had had kids and even grandkids. The powers were noticeable, significant, and had to have come from somewhere. She could either:

Tell the truth. The bandits killed the goddess and her people, and now the bandits entire family had inherited proof of this horrific act. Pros: the bandits are not seen in a good light and she doesn’t have to be nice to them. Cons: she has put a target on the remaining Nabateans as sources of inhuman power for unsavory people. Also, the bandits descendants suffer for their ancestors crimes. (There is an example of this in game.)

Lie. Crests were blessing, but the goddess left after her gift was abused. Pros: hides Nabateans existence and makes the bandits in her debt for not being seen as evil. Cons: she has to pretend she is not surrounded by the blood of people who took her family from her and are using their bones as weapons. She chose to lie. This eventually led to the development of crest-based importance in society. Those with crests were more highly valued which led to discrimination and favoritism based on it. This is mainly for nobility, commoners didn’t give a shit about it other than “proof you are related to a specific guy”. So some people in the fandom are mad at Rhea for this and think she should have told the truth to prevent magic blood based elitism as if that would have prevented wealth and power based inequality.

Another morally ambiguous action she did was temporarily slow down the the progress of human advancement. She had seen what can happen when humans get a hold of dangerous tech (prime directive!!!) and ALL bans were done to prevent more fighting. Examples:

A printing press. Exist in current canon, but was temporarily banned due to the potential “of mass circulation of misinformation and malevolent rumors”. Guess what happens in game. A character has an “information campaign” to promote a war of imperialism and spread anti-religious and Nabatean sentiments.🙃

Telescope. Specifically because “the ease of locating enemy camps would escalate wartime violence”.

Black oil. Due to “misuse could result in accidental death” and “competition for it could cause strife”. (I am 100% on Rhea’s side for this, fuck fossil fuels)

Note: people try and say that she also banned autopsies, but in-game books only say that a Cardinal wanted them banned with no evidence that Rhea agreed to do it.

Also, another divisive action Rhea took was the attempted resurrection of Sothis (this has two parts). The first was her creation of homunculus. Her process for this was to create an empty body as a shell and then put the goddess’s heart into it and hope she entered into and took over the body. She did not and instead the homunculi all developed their own consciousnesses. Rhea did this 12 times over the course of 1000 years meaning she probably let each one live out a human lifespan and tried again after they died. This one is only really ambiguous because a lot of people incorrectly assumed that she had been kidnapping children and experimenting on them instead of creating the bodies. I try to avoid arguments about whether she should have created the homunculi in the first place, because they kind of start to sound like those arguments about whether women in XYZ situations should be allowed to create life/have children (if that makes sense).

The second part is her attitude and treatment of Byleth (the main character). Byleth was stillborn and Sitri (Byleth’s mom and Rhea’s 12th homunculus) was dying from birth complications. Sitri begged Rhea to remove the goddess’s heart (which brought her to life) and use it to try and save Byleth. Rhea, who saw Sitri as a daughter, agreed to do it. Some players found this unforgivable for experimenting(???) on Byleth and not asking the father(???) for permission. Rhea’s attitude toward Byleth when they grow up is weird writing wise. Some scenes imply that she believes Byleth to be the goddess reincarnated (sort of true) and in other scenes she implies that they are a vessel for Sothis to possess (also sort of true). So that’s another point for ambiguity.

LASTLY (I’m almost done), the scene near the end of the one route where Rhea is an enemy instead of an ally. The player character’s team has almost won, most of the continent has been conquered, and the last remaining of Dimitri and Rhea’s rebel forces are trapped in a fortress city not suitable for sieges. Rhea decides “I am taking you to hell with me :)”, turns into a dragon, unleashes the hidden Nabatean high tech robots, and has the WHOLE city set on fire with civilians implied to still be inside. Big girlboss moment and honestly considering why she is the final boss I don’t blame her for going ape shit.

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

Character Ages in Animorphs Fic

In response to a few questions on my Eleutherophobia fic series, I wanted to spell out the logic of the character ages I’m using.

Jake is 13 when the war starts, 16 when it ends.  This one’s canon: in #53 he says “I was just thirteen when I started. I’m sixteen now.”

Tom is 16 when the war starts, 19 when it ends.  This is an educated guess.  In MM4, which is set at the same time as #1, “Tom” borrows his mom’s car and drives it across town, apparently legally.  So presumably he’s at least 16 when the war starts.  But Jake also says “Tom was going to live out the rest of his years till his eighteenth birthday locked in his room” if their parents found out he’s got a “handgun” (dracon beam).  So at least 16, but not much older, if there are “years” before he’s 18.

Rachel is 14 when the war starts, 17 when it ends.  This one’s pure speculation, but.  The reason I headcanon Rachel as a few months older than Jake is how she sees him early on in the war.  In #2 especially she seems to look at him like a little brother: “Jake is like me, being a little crazy... It bothered me that he was a faster diver than I was.” Later, when she tries to protect him by getting him to leave, she says “Sorry Jake, this time I’m the boss” and tries to dump him off, confirming with a fake plea and “If he had lied to me, he would answer now” — and then she’s shocked that he did lie and didn’t answer her.  Unlike the others, who start the war looking up to Jake for various reasons, Rachel dismisses him as a potential leader at first, and only gradually comes to respect him enough to follow his lead.  As somebody who grew up friends with many of my first cousins, I can relate to the struggle to see the ones younger than me as adults, even the ones that are within months of my age.  Throw in Rachel’s relative level of maturity, grasping almost immediately that “They’ll probably [kill] me but at least they’ll never find out about the rest of you” (#2) in contrast with Jake’s view (according to Marco) that the war is “some video game” (#1), and I just think it fits the characters.

Eva is 36 when the war starts, 39 when it ends.  More speculative still!  However, I like the idea of Eva coming from a relatively traditional gender role: we know she’s Catholic (Visser) and immigrated at a young age (#20).  We also know she’s “incredibly beautiful” (#15) with “shampoo-commercial black hair” (#30) and she had a somewhat troubled marriage to a genius astrophysicist (#15) where she did almost all of the housework and childcare (#5).  She’s also physically fit enough to climb mountains and sail sailboats unassisted.  So I headcanon Eva being younger than Peter, married by 20 and with a kid by 23, and having a pretty traditional marriage — Peter with the only income, Eva a full-time parent — before Edriss shows up.

Anyway, Jake’s literally the only character with a canonical age, and K.A. Applegate has said that there were no attempts to plot a coherent timeline for the series, so I don’t think that any of these are the One True Way to interpret Animorphs.  They’re just my preferred interpretations.

[hostilecandle]

🍏 and 🍈 for the writer asks pls!

God I'm so sorry for this ramble 🙏😅

🍏 Is there something you overuse, whether it’s a certain phrase, trope, or piece of punctuation-

Religious Imagery 😅 lmaoooo. I overuse that shit SOOO much. It's in every single fic I've ever written. Doesn't matter fluff or smut or what fandom, I always find a way to work it into the main themes. Literally writing a long af Price x Reader and its title is taken from Psalms 😅😅 I grew up a gay man in a Catholic military family in the Midwest of the United States. Gotta funnel that experience somewhere, so fics it is :D

🍈 Who’s your blorbo and what are some of your favorite headcanons/ideas about them that repeatedly show up in your fics-

Okay this said free pass to ramble about blorbo so I will be taking that opportunity here lol, so my apologies i have many thoughts about this man. I'll use CoD bc it's the fandom I'm in rn so I gotta say John Price (Both the og and reboot though I'm just gonna refer to the reboot Price for this). This man does things to my brain that need to be studied under a microscope I swear 😵‍💫😵‍💫 I have a whole ass character study of him written that's several pages long and I'm still not done.

Headcannons for him (some I've written, some just vibes):

-This man SCREAMS a good ol future midwestern dad type in the making to me. He loves to hunt and fish. He loves the solitude and quiet of both activities, even if he doesn't get anything. Its just peaceful. There is always a beer in the fridge for when the game is on. When he's got a family/partner/retired (whatever you'd prefer), he's a yard guy (yall know the type). I just feel like he cannot sit still when he's home. He's gotta be doing something with himself after years of keeping busy. He's got all the fun toys like a riding mower that is so unnecessary for the yard size but makes him happy. He's always outside in the spring/summer doing something to the yard and god forbid the grass get too tall. He's also not big on socializing with neighbors, a very much a keep to himself and/or his family kinda guy, but he's always SO polite and the ladies in his neighborhood love him.

-From my own homelife experience but it just feels so Price, when he's home he's AWFUL about just leaving his firearm on the counter or coffee table or bed side. Just wherever he remembered to take it off and set down and it's just another thing to forget where he set it like his phone and wallet. Speaking of, he's terrible about losing his phone/keys/wallet/etc. He has a little dish by the entry that he swears he puts it all into but they're never there when he goes to leave and he has to scramble to find them every time

-He's a coffee drinker (black with just a little sugar) and unironically loves to read the paper whenever he gets the chance. He's a small talker and enjoys it, he talks about the weather, gas prices, taxes, and match scores. He gets bored easily when just waiting around and will chat with just about anyone

-He has horrific night terrors and carries a lot of guilt for things he's done in his job. He firmly believes it was all necessary and worth it for the greater good but he wrestles with himself a lot. I personally like to think when Gaz pushes him on it after the interrogation in MW, it actually rattled him a bit. Not because he felt any guilt necessarily for what had just happened (I don't think he felt any in that instance), but because that's one of the first times someone else has pressed him on his moral convictions. "You draw the line where you need it" is not a belief that comes from nowhere or from a man who hasn't wrestled with himself and asked himself the very same questions Gaz was throwing at him. He meant every word he said though and while I feel guilt will catch up to him in the late hours of the night some nights after years of living like this, he fully believes he's justified in everything he does and it's integral to his character and who John Price is as a person

-He's a staunch atheist. Baptized but never believed in a God really anyways but after the things he's seen, he can't find it in himself to even entertain the thought. That being said, in the bottom of his desk is one of those old fashioned crosses that's hollow that holds holy water and one's last will and testament. Obviously being in the military there's already the records of his will but keeps that in his desk regardless because on the off chance he's wrong about there not being a God, it doesn't hurt to be safe.

He's SUCH a Girl Dad™ in the making. He would THRIVE with having a daughter. I'm talking the tea parties, tiaras, letting her put makeup on him, his nails, all of it. He'd support her in any endeavors growing up and would do his damndest to be in the crowd any chance he can get. He'd be her biggest fan. Pictures of her on his desk, in his wallet. Always bragging about his daughter when he gets the chance because he'd be so proud of her

He's a salt of the earth kinda guy. Just has very classic masculinity. Like he's a Man™ and takes pride in it. But its in the, "I'm gonna take care of everything because this is how I care for what's important to me" way. He enjoys being the handyman around the house and who people come to because they respect him. He has a Project Car in the garage that he swears he'll get to and the back is littered with power tools and lumber

(Okay this parts not headcannon because he not old, he's only 37!!) He's actually very tech savvy and likes things to be as up to date as he can get so everything runs smooth.

He feels personally responsible for the wellbeing of the other main 3 of 141 but not in a fatherly way like people think, but these men are his brothers and he hand picked them, he has so much faith in their abilities. (However he unwittingly becomes a mentor figure to Soap very much against his knowledge and will lol)

He had to shave once for an Op and the boys ragged him so hard he refuses to ever shave again. Genuinely fucked him up a bit lol

He has a temper. He's got a good lid on it 99% of the time but its always simmering underneath

Has a wicked sense of humor. Most people don't know or recognize it but he's actually the funniest person in the 141. He's always cracking jokes to break the tension but he says it with such a straight face before breaking into smile to let you know he's joking.

[anduinwrynngaysex]

Well go on. Tell me what you think would give that man a boner

Oh I'm so glad you inquired

First of all, I've already made my views clear that he is Not a sub bottom. He is Not. He's a dom vers. He's incredibly suppressed and anxious about being too overbearing or losing control and hurting people, so he uses sex as an outlet for that.

I also decided that hes into somno. Call this one a burst of divine inspiration, but I think that Anduin wants, more than anything, trust. He wants to trust and be trusted by someone, and the most intimate possible form of trust for him is sex. There's no hiding yourself in bed. He's literally and figuratively naked. So what's the biggest expression of trust within sex? CNC, somno, free use, etc. it's saying to someone "I trust you so completely with my body and my emotions that you can have complete access to me whenever you want, even if I'm sleeping." Of course there's a lot of anxiety that comes with that, a lot of "are you sure?" and "what if you change your mind?" and reiterating the safe word over and over. I also think sleep in general would get Anduin worked up. I think he would stay up a little later than who he's with, just to watch them sleep. Having someone sleeping in his bed, completely vulnerable, open for any kind of harm to come their way. PTSD and depression and all that also tend to affect someone's sleep schedule, so for him there would be that feeling of being so totally and thoroughly relaxed that he *can* get a good night's sleep with someone.

Next we move on to sex magic: Yes. The light is this holy pure healing force, divine protection from above, it can also be used as restraints/chains and it can be used to cause pain. 100 in 1 sex toy and he's the best at it in the world. Imagine him using the light to suspend me someone up in mid air in spread eagle position. also he's not a holy priest, he's a discipline priest. What I'm saying is he could summon void tentacles. Sex magic.

Finally; Breeding kink. This is huge. This is everything to me. I don't care what anyone else says. Blizzard could come out tomorrow and say "anduin wrynn hates cum" and I'd respond by firebombing them. He is part of a monarchy. There is no way he was not drilled his whole life about "producing the perfect heir" and how do you do that huh? What bodily fluid makes babies? He has been told his whole life his divine purpose to keep the entire world in order is to impregnate someone. Fundamentally, that is what a king is. his bloodline is considered fucking sacred. His jizz is universally considered in that society to be the best jizz. You can't live that life and not end up with funny feelings when you think about barebacking. It's the Reddit post that's like "I used to be catholic cause I was super into the idea of sex only for procreation, turns out that's just a breeding fetish."

Anduin sex post pls enjoy

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 3 - Catholic Character Tournament

Propaganda below ⬇️

Gabriel

Well he's an angel so I'm taking him being catholic as canon. There are a lot of themes in the game that point to catholisism specifically.

He's so fucking funny. he listens to nine inch nails and quotes one of the songs in a fight basically "fight me like an animal". he and v1 kind of have this yuri thing going on. he has an official bodypillow. hes a metaphor for being excommunicated and no one gets him like me and my friends do

The *true* Catholic experience is leaving the church and having a gay awakening, ask anyone

its debatable if Gabriel truly believes he's "the one true savior" or is mocking the idea of it

ok im actually gonna write some gabe propaganda bc despite what you may expect from a game called ULTRAKILL theres a lot to be said about his character and how catholicism is represented

Gabriel is a genuinely caring person who struggles to square his desire to help people with his duty as an archangel. He's the only one in Heaven trying to make things better for those in Hell, but his faith is used to manipulate him into committing atrocities against the people he used to protect (see the "TRAITOR" mural in 4-2)

he only realizes his mistakes after losing everything and being sentenced to death, but he still decides with only a little time remaining to try and make things right. for the sake of spoilers i will just say that the measures he takes are... extremely drastic and very enjoyable. i just really like the idea that even facing the end of all living things, no matter how steep your crimes, it is never too late to fix your mistakes. you are never unworthy forgiveness.

hes also SO FUCKING GAY for this dumb little robot. it mauled him so hard he tasted his own blood and he fell in love right there. theres no way this guy has a normal healthy relationship to pain he is soooooooooo fucked. i love him. please vote for Gabriel "patron saint of gay lapsed catholics" Ultrakill !!!!!!!!

Shadow

In sonic destruction (the AI generated fan thing snapcube made a while ago) shadow was catholic or something which I think is reallyyyyyyy funny

Ok listen. I know this is a stretch but hear me out. He says “oh my God” in the Twitter takeovers so we know this is a possibility. I see him as a Christ-like figure because I saw his whole confrontation with Mephiles and was like “this is a thing that happened in the Bible??” and the pose Mephiles shows him in is literally like a crucifixion and Mephiles is meant to be a demon / false prophet reference. And also he’s called a demon in Shadow The Hedgehog 2005 then the guy who calls him that is like “I was wrong I’m sorry” and that also reminds me of a thing with Jesus in The Bible. But the biggest reason is his whole thing with Maria cause I think he’d come to earth and hear Ave Maria once and convert to Catholicism idk he’s like we’re comforted by a female familial figure named Mary sometimes called Maria?? And her color is blue????? Heck yeah I’m in because I Will Cry. Also feel free to share this as propaganda obv even if he doesn’t get in the bracket just. It’s funny.

I feel like he’d battle a lot with being seen or portrayed as a demon and how the aliens he’s related to very much look and act like demons idk lmao- and also I feel like confession would just be good for him I think he needs it for his mental health

There is a debate on the lovely website tunblr that Shadow T. Hedgehog is an allegory for Jesus Christ.

He is Jesus, idk what to tell you. He lived, he was sealed away, he was awakened again and deemed the ultimate lifeforms, he’s angry but not evil, does what he believes is best for people and the world at any given time. Total loser.

[exvangelicalrage]

Sin Is Fake

6/5/23

I realized something this week. Which is that I don't believe in sin. Obviously, I don't believe in a lot of things, including god, christianity, and literally anything, haha, but I realized this week that I'd been taking the idea of "sin" as a given.

The idea of sin has been a constant in my life since my birth; only a few weeks after we came home from the hospital, my parents had me "dedicated" in front of the church congregation, which is the protestant alternative to the catholic baby baptisms. Instead of saving your soul, however, it's merely a commitment by christian parents to "raise their child in the way he should go" or whatever. And in this case, that meant raising their child to believe they were inherently sinful and needed to be saved by jesus in order to go to heaven. 

I've long determined that people are not inherently sinful; that babies are not evil from the moment they are beget; that children do not need to plead forgiveness for imagined wrongs. 

But the idea that perhaps sin simply... doesn't exist at all? That is new.

When I was five, I kneeled next to my bed on the pink throw rug my great grandmother had given me, clasped my hands together, and said, "Dear jesus, please come into my heart and forgive me." As I said the words, there was a deep sense of "this is what I'm supposed to do in order to get to heaven." I hadn't quite put together the "I'm sinful and need to be forgiven" part, despite the emphasis on that during Sunday school and vacation bible school, but I knew the words and I said them and I meant them. 

But as I grew, it didn't take me long to fully understand what "sin" was. 

Sin was whining about chores. Sin was arguing with my brothers. Sin was being obstreperous. Sin was reading instead of cleaning my room. Sin was talking back to my parents. Sin was watching other kids get picked on in school and doing nothing. Sin was not wanting to do my homework. Sin was getting bad grades. Sin was not listening to the teacher. Sin was watching movies. And listening to secular music. And reading books with swear words in them.

Sin was doing anything that upset my parents for any reason. 

Sin was lack of total perfection.

Sin was making god mad.

I asked for forgiveness regularly. As a 7 year old. As a 10 year old. As a 12 year old. I knew my soul was irreparably blackened, and jesus was the only one who could cleanse me and guarantee my way into heaven. 

When I reached my teenage years, I continued to pray for forgiveness, but I tacked on an extra little request at the end of my prayers: "Please forgive me, and also, if you notice me doing something wrong, could you just let me know?"

"If I'm doing something and don't realize it's a sin, could you please point it out to me?"

"I'm not entirely sure quite what I'm doing wrong, but I know it must be something, so please forgive me even for stuff I don't realize is wrong."

It's a pretty heavy weight, to walk around thinking that you're perpetually committing grievous offenses but have no idea what they are. To believe that god is incessantly watching every movement, every choice, and every thought, and judging you accordingly. Especially as a child. And sure, the pastors said "his blood covers it all" but what does that even mean? And if his blood covers "it all" why couldn't we just be regular people? Why did we have to focus on being as perfect as possible? 

The thing is, though, the existence of sin is necessary to christianity. If humans weren't inherently "sinful" then what would the point of christianity be? Because if we weren't inherently sinful, nothing would be preventing us from accessing heaven. We wouldn't need jesus, we wouldn't need the bible, and most of all, we wouldn't need the church. 

Sin, at least in a christian context, is a direct and willful violation of god's will. But in order for it to be real, a.) god has to exist, and b.) we have to be able to determine what his will is—irrefutably. But since god (if he exists) hasn't provided a clear-cut directive... how can we possibly ensure that we aren't violating god's will? And if we can't know his will, we can't violate it on purpose.

Hence, sin is fake.

But if pastors, leaders, humans make clear-cut statements that say, "This is wrong and I know because god told me so," then they can claim that your violation of their commandments is sin, and in doing so, they strip access to heaven from you.

The idea of sin allows humans to control other humans. Even humans who don't believe in their ideology.

But if sin doesn't exist in the first place? That hill they're standing on is nothing but air.

To be clear, I think mistakes are real. I think we can do things that we wish we hadn't. I think we can cause harm. We can do things that upset or cause pain or discomfort toward other people, ourselves, or the world around us.

But sin? Nah.

I think I still carry this weight, even though I left christianity over a decade ago. 

It's clearest for me in this subconscious  pressure that suggests I'm "living a sinful lifestyle," despite the fact that even according to christian standards, my "lifestyle," as it were, is pretty innocuous. I'm straight & hetero, married and monogomous, donate and volunteer to causes, mind my own business most of the time. But I do swear. And read romance novels (with sex scenes *gasp*). And I'm not christian. Which all equals "sinful lifestyle" in my subconscious, I guess.

But there's a lot of freedom in being able to look an action in the face and say "What harm does this cause?" If the answer is "It causes no harm," I can move on with my life. And if the answer is "It causes this specific harm," then I can remediate to the best of my ability. 

Litter? I can donate to an environmental organization or pick up more trash than I dropped. 

Give voice to my internal biases, even unintentionally? Apologize immediately and truthfully. Or donate to an anti-racist/feminist/trans-inclusionary/disability activist organization if an apology isn't possible. Or all of the above! 

Steal something? Give it back. Pay for it. Go to jail. Whatever. Make amends.

There is freedom in accountability. There is freedom in taking responsibility for my misdeeds. I don't need jesus or christianity to "save" me. All I need to do is own up to my behaviors, decisions, and choices, and the consequences therein. 

I can make amends. All by myself. No penance, priest, or prayer necessary.

If everyone did this, instead of just "praying for forgiveness," I think the world would be a lot less shitty place.

-----

A not-exactly side note: 

If I'm being honest, I think this whole blog is partially about me trying to make amends in a way. It's also therapy through writing, an exploration of my feelings, and a process to think through some of the concepts and ideas that still nag at me. But I could do all of that without sharing it online.

The one thing I feel more guilty about than anything in my life, was the evangelism I did as a teenager. I talked down to other people. Tried to convince them they were evil. I built walls around myself, and judged everyone else as either "saved" or "unsaved." I roped people in, with music and a pretty smile and the threat of hell. 

I understand that I was still a child. And that the religion I wielded was placed into my hands by adults. That it's not entirely my fault. I know I was trying to do what was right. But I also feel strongly that I caused harm to those around me. Harm I regret to this day.

I made it out. But not without casualties.

It's a strange type of survivor's guilt.

So I'm hoping that writing out & sharing my experiences, feelings, and pain will maybe help somebody somewhere. I want to do something good that directly counteracts the harm I caused then. Maybe I can support someone leaving the church now, validate someone who is questioning, or offer logic, reason, and experience to help someone see the door. 

Maybe it'll help, maybe not. But it feels like the right thing to do.

[figula]

another one in the "why my mum is endlessly worried im being abused" file -

she called me yesterday + talked to me for a long time about one of my old best friends and the situation sounds so grim i cant even fathom it and ive been thinking about it since

between 8-13 one of my closest friends was a girl called emma*

she was this tiny, sparky, zany little weirdo with a brain that was like - unrivalled, she was so smart, so gifted, so curious about everything

we kinda lost contact at some point bc we went to different high schools: she went to the local catholic school + i went to the local state school

her mother happens to be one of the most pre-eminent british harpists, and also my old piano teacher (small town sussex innit). for a quite funny ex of her status in the music sphere, ben was watching a youtube video about medieval instruments and i recognised the voice, looked up, and it was my old piano teacher?!?! anyway my mum's stayed friends w/ her all this time, going on 25y now i suppose

the story of emma goes as follows

at 18 she moved to london to work at a small online music publication. this was about 10y ago

she fairly quickly became involved with her boss - a man in his 30s, who had lived in london all his life

he seems to have money (my mum says emma's mum doesn't know where it comes from)

they stay together. i have no idea what happened in the interim really except that in the past few years they've bought a boat + have been travelling the world via boat. she has no job or income of any kind; he has all the money; they are both just like. on this boat at all times. if she wanted to leave i have no idea how she'd do it

all of this would be concerning but less horrifying if they did not have a FIVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER together. he is an extreme antivaxxer and anti-school etc so this girl has never been to school or had a single shot. she just lives with them on the boat. currently they're moored in zanzibar. there is no safety equipment on the boat so she just wanders around freely on top of the water. the closest thing to an education she gets is emma's mum talking to her on skype and trying to teach her basic letters + numbers

anyway basically: what the fuck!! i literally cant stop thinking about this - she was SO smart, so cool, so nice, so RATIONAL!! like what on EARTH happened in the interim?? idk which option is more disturbing out of the two options of her either being controlled entirely by this awful man or that she's bought into all the shit he's selling

[jackass-jones]

Ive referenced this tale a few times but I think because it’s easter Saturday and I’m a fed up little shit this year, it’s time I tell the story of THE easter saturday

So to establish a few things to anyone who wasn’t raised as a damn catholic, easter saturday mass is kinda infamous for just being the worst. First off, it often starts later, like at 8. Secondly, it lasts forever. Normal mass will have a reading from the bible, a responsorial psalm, and then a second reading. This mass has 7 readings and yes, there is a responsorial psalm between each of them. If you’re lucky, the priest will decide to only do like 3 readings and then just move on. And the last few things about easter saturday mass is that for the part with all the readings, all the lights are out and everyone has to hold a candle. Symbolizes some shit about everyone being lost without jesus or some shit idk. And there’s a part after communion where anyone who wants to be confirmed into the catholic church can do so

Most people don’t go to easter saturday mass because really why would you, but around the time I was a teenager my family always went on saturday instead of sunday just cuz we didn’t wanna get up early and also cuz easter sunday is like the biggest day of the year and it’s crowded as absolute fuck it’s awful. And I mean, we never really had to deal with too much bullshit cuz the priest cut down the readings and often didn’t even bother playing music cuz no one wanted to be there lol. It was a pretty good deal

Enter THE easter saturday. I believe I was 17 and I still had to go to church but I was very much not having it anymore lol. And we were gonna do the usual late mass but a little special curveball came along. My sisters ex boyfriend, let’s call him Gary, decided he wanted to become catholic. Why. And when you get confirmed you need a confirmation sponsor, aka someone who’s already been confirmed, to be there with you. And he asked my sister to do it. Which is pretty weird cuz they had this complicated on again off again relationship but like, I’m pretty damn sure they weren’t dating at the time??? Why the fuck would you ask your ex girlfriend to be your fucking CONFIRMATION SPONSOR of all things that’s so bizarre lol

What’s even more bizarre is the fact that my parents decided to show up to support him. Gary was the ideal guy, good country boy, good ball player, with a good head on his shoulders. They definitely loved him more than my sister did and like still to this day talk about him all the time even though both him and my sister have moved on 😟. So fine okay this is what we’re doing, we were gonna go to stupid easter saturday mass anyways, we may as well support Gary in this catholic journey shit because we’re obsessed with him I guess. Whatever. But to make things EVEN WEIRDER, my fucking GRANDMA decides to come too. To support my sisters ex boyfriend. Because she thinks he’s the greatest guy since sliced bread and because she’s a hardcore catholic who loses her shit over new members of the church. So fucking. It’s me, my parents, and my grandma driving an hour and a half to the city to see this guy get confirmed. At least we won’t have to go to church in the morning

So we get there to this honestly very beautiful church like it’s one of those really old big city churches with massive stained glass windows and like 8 sets of pews and columns and shit. We meet up with Gary’s family, theres like 7 of them and none are catholic btw so they had no idea what to expect from this experience. Oh how I wish I could’ve saved them. We all try to sit together in one pew for some reason and it’s like very crowded and we have no room, something that was very unnecessary cuz we were literally in an almost completely empty church. Before the mass even starts, I’m getting lightheaded and sweating bullets from how cramped everything is, and cuz I was wearing "fancy clothes" aka a pink sweater and black joggers covered in lint cuz I was having an identity crisis and this was my fashion taste lol. I obviously didn’t wanna be there was just a lot of hostility towards me from everyone cuz I’m. You know. A fairy 🙊 and a bitch lol. So I feel a meltdown coming and I’m literally crying so I go to sit in this tiny pew kinda in the shadows where no one can see me. My dad joins in too so we’re just in this private spot away from the families

Then the mass finally starts. We go outside and get our candles lit in a big fire and sing a damn song and go to sit down in the pitch black church. We have the typical intro and. Then. This fucking like 25 year old altar boy gives a basic summary of the events of easter. We all know the hell out of them, we don’t need a reminder, but we get one anyway. This should’ve been like a reading that maybe lasted 2 minutes maximum. But no, no, Catholics don’t want you to have it easy and short. You came to easter saturday mass, and Buddy, you’re getting that goddamn easter saturday mass

This man. Sang, the entire summary. In that awkward chanty singing style that priests do sometimes. And it lasted, according to my watch, for 20 minutes. 20 minutes of this guy in this pitch black church with his face ominously illuminated by the candle he’s holding in his shaking hand just. Singing on the fly. The entire church is completely quiet the entire time and to make it worse he kinda just kept repeating the same point over and over he was like THIS IS THE NIIIIIGHT OHHHHH HOOOOOLYYYY NIGHT WHERE JEEEEESSUUUUUSSS DIIIEEED OHHHHHHH HE IS THE SON OF GOD, WHO IS ALSOOOOO CHRIST AND HIS NAME IS JESUUUUSSS CHRIST. I’m not even exaggerating here good god I wish I was. It was that bad. I was kinda just in that zoned out trance you enter whenever you’re at a church and you’re bored to death but at like the 10 minute mark I realized this man was STILL GOING and I just. I fucking lost it I couldn’t breathe I was very thankful the lights were out cuz I was absolutely dying. Even my dad, who’s so insanely catholic it’s creepy, started playing on his phone in the middle of it. And we had to sit there. And this was the BEGINNING, we still had god knows how long left of this thing

Finally, the altar boy stops singing and then probably went to go drown himself afterwards because how the fuck to you come back from that. The infamous readings start and ofc they do all 7 of them, why wouldn’t they. And the psalms in between were like 10 verses each and they of course sang every single one. And it was like some poor college kid who just looooves jesus so much singing and she. Couldnt sing for shit. And there was like piano and idk, a tambourine probably. I blacked out halfway through and just accepted that I was actually just gonna die in this church, I’d never ever escape. This is my life for the rest of time

And we couldn’t just leave is the thing. Not just cuz my family is so toxically devout, but cuz the one thing we were here for still had yet to happen. The fucking confirmation. How long did we have to wait before we got there? 2 and a half hours. And do you know how long it took? Less than 10 minutes. All for this stupid Gary, stupid fucking Gary who decided he just HAD to be catholic, we waited just for him. His poor family showed up for him, there were children man. Like, hyper, preschool aged children who had to sit through that. And then at 3 hours it finally ended and I just. Couldnt feel anything anymore. I looked at these people and I just wanted them all to feel the pain of a thousand deaths for making me sit through that shit. I literally suffered more than Jesus Christ

Gary, I hate you. You are nothing. You’re gonna love being catholic you stupid stupid shit stain