#and i def plan to support them when i can afford it
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kateshappyplants ¡ 27 days ago
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Just moved over to StoryGraph and I need friends! add me! :D
https://app.thestorygraph.com/profile/kawaii_kaitie
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inqilabi ¡ 11 months ago
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I’m an ex muslim desi woman still living at home with parents pretending to be muslim. I’m 26 and I want to move out. I’m gonna start saving so by the end of the next 2 years i can do it. My job is based in the same city as them so I cant use the work excuse. I had an argument with my mom and sister about it today and they used the usual misogynistic religious/cultural stuff like “it looks wrong for an unmarried woman living alone” etc. mom got suuuuper upset and even cried. But she said if i was married it’d be completely fine or maybe for a job in another city. Do you have any advice how to navigate this? My other sisters are married and moved out. My younger brother plans to move out when hes married within the next year too so i think they kinda depend on me to take care of them which is obviously unfair, especially because im unmarried and dont plan to get married soon.
I am sorry to hear this hun. My advice is to definitely move out and commit to it at any cost. I know all the emotional blackmail is very tough to deal with but take it from me. Even if you stayed back, they will not appreciate it/you. And down the road you will be resentful. And let's say it ends up costing you advancement in your life (dating, job prospects etc etc), family and the world will basically blame you for not having your shit together. Like no one understands if such things hold you back.
That's really what I have learned through all the things that I faced is to be inconsiderate of people's feelings. Because guess what - they will still be crying even if you are the perfect daughter.
In your case, if you don't want to get a new job right now then I suggest you say that your interviewing for jobs. And then you know pretend to take calls etc etc as you would if you were interviewing. Make it believable. And then say that you got a job in this x city. And then move. Get comfortable at faking and lying. I suggest lying solely because it's the path of least resistance. You could obviously just look for apartments, commit to it, and then once you sign the lease say - you're moving out. You've signed the lease. And then deal with the emotional outbursts and fall out from there on. You can live with multiple roommates to make it more affordable so you can do it sooner.
Either that or have a 6-8 month plan. 2 years sounds like it could be too far out for you but only you can judge if you can tolerate living at home for that long. during this time apply for jobs that pay more and are further out. But defs have a goal and commit to it.
It would be useful if you could rely on any one of your siblings for help and support. With the process or even lying. Like for instance my brother was totally okay with me lying to get out etc.
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fagcrush ¡ 18 days ago
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You threatened to kill yourself if you didn’t get a gift for cleaning your room. You claimed your parents were abusive and said fuck them for pulling you out of therapy when they probably couldn’t afford it. Be so serious right now, money was definitely a problem and your parents did not have the resources to help you AND YOU’RE DOING THE SAME THING TO YOUR CHILD
Ok let's break this down
The room thing was what? Ten years ago? When I was a lot more unstable and in an abusive relationship?
I stopped saying my parents were abusive YEARS ago, and they very well could have afforded therapy bc I can afford therapy for myself rn! At least when I was a preteen/teen being heavily bullied they could have, and def when I was older!! They just did not want to!! They could have gotten meds too but my dad straight up said he didn't want to!! Like. Growing up my parents basically said I wasn't mentally ill enough to get help just bc I wasn't like. In a straight jacket locked in a padded room (my dad literally said stuff like "if you were actually mentally ill you'd be locked in a padded room" or some shit like that
We have the resources, and an excellent support system that my parents didn't have as much of. Like... We thought this out very carefully and planned accordingly
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heybeybey ¡ 4 years ago
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Did I ask you the peaceful rivetra cabin one honey with a slice of nsfw ?? ( if I did already ignore this 😭)
Not yet! @himebee-5 And I'm glad you requested this! Anyway, you know how long my HC posts are so the actual cabin headcanon comes in halfway through (this is 1,454 words wtf) haha
This is 3 full cups of honey, a dash of dramatic angst in the beginning and two teaspoons of NSFW btw.
Hope you'll enjoy!!
Rivetra Cabin +++ (you’ll understand what the + is later on) Canonverse AU
Petra lived through the 57th failed expedition but both her and Levi were permanently injured. Petra came out with a spinal injury and while the doctors did say that she's going to make a partial recovery, her mobility won't be the same as before. 
Levi, on the other hand, lost his left leg. Both have no choice but to retire from the Survey Corps.
I want to add a dash of drama so in this Canonverse AU, the Military Police are forcing Levi to go back to the Underground. 
His temporary citizenship above ground is revoked since he's not going to be a Scout anymore and he wasn't able to fulfill the required service years needed to become a permanent resident (this is something that I just came up with lol)
Erwin tried to pull some strings but even he can't do much since the Survey Corps' reputation is tarnished at this point (same as what happened in the show). The MP tried multiple times to escort Levi out the Survey Corps HQ but Erwin and Hange always finds an excuse to delay it a bit (ex: wrapping things up regarding his dead squad, recovering for a month or two until he can be escorted back etc.)
Petra, stressed and panicking over the fact that her captain will be dragged back to the Underground, frantically begs Levi to run away with her.
Note that they don't have a relationship (yet) and Levi was surprised at her suggestion since Petra lives a decent life as a citizen born in Wall Rose. 
He refuses and said that he can run away by himself if needed but Petra argues that now that he's disabled, he needs someone who will support him.
Our girl got bolder since she knows that they're not really Captain and Subordinate anymore.
She was persistent and a day before they know the MPs will come knocking again, he gives in and they made a run for it.
Erwin and Hange def. arranged a few things for them and Erwin even expedited their last salary
They jumped from one cheap apartment to another just to escape the MPs and finally found a cabin they can afford on a slightly rundown village somewhere north and towards the edge of Wall Rose
It wasn't the best village to live but definitely still better than the Underground (or in jail, in Petra's case since technically she just helped a criminal escape)
Few years passed (let's say their universe had a happy ending that Isayama won't probably give us 😭) and the MP gave up on Levi's case.
Petra and Levi live a quiet life together :3 Both of them needs some support when walking so they do have a crutch (for Levi) and a wheelchair (sometimes for Petra) on hand.
Levi used his last salary and savings to open a small tea shop in the village while they used Petra's for their monthly expenses during the first year. The tea shop eventually was able to support them once it started picking up.
Levi thought he'd hate not being able to serve in the Scouts but was surprised that he did prefer this domestic bliss instead.
He usually prepares the tea while Petra serves the customers in their tea shop.
They'd support each other in cleaning the cabin til it's spotless.
Petra buys groceries every week while Levi focuses more on cooking and laundry for the both of them.
It wasn't easy living together at first since we all know how Levi is and since they're really equals now, Petra doesn't hesitate in speaking her mind anymore. They'd sometimes clash but Levi is the one who often approaches her to apologize and make up.
They both hear news about what's happening and Erwin and Hange sometimes visit them (I want a happy ending for this so Daddy Sasageyo and Hange are both alive ok)
They didn't immediately jump one another btw. They both know that there are already feelings between them but Levi's too emotionally constipated to explore it, much less make it official.
It happened 2 years into living together. Levi was watching Petra sweep the floor and just abruptly said that they should get married.
Petra dropped the broom in shock and her face was absolutely comical. While she and Levi did have a few romantic moments here and there (small but unofficial dates, cheek and forehead kisses given subconsciously), they never talked about an actual relationship.
Levi said that they're already living together anyway and wasn't her dad upset that she's living with a man but not married to said man?
He also remembers the time when they were still in the Scouts and he and his squad were talking about what it might be like to be married since Eld just announced his engagement (rip ☹️)
His only contribution to that conversation btw is "no" when asked if he wanted to get married lol 
Anyway, he remembered how Petra said that she once dreamed about getting married someday and having a happy family. However, at that time, her dream of dedicating her life to the Scouts was more important than settling down and she doesn't plan to retire for many many years.
They were both silent after that and Levi started feeling embarrassed. He tried to take it back, saying that of course, he understands that she doesn't want to since he is in his mid-30s and she'd probably find a better, able-bodied, younger man in the village instead.
Before he even finishes his apology, Petra said yes :3 (Girl has been fantasizing about this for years, of course she'll say yes haha)
They did a shotgun wedding that same evening and Levi started trying to find ways to romance her. It's all awkward at best and downright embarrassing attempts every single time but Petra wouldn't want it any other way.
Petra, being a romantic at heart, wanted a wedding dance and Levi, being a sap, gave in. They had their own wedding dance of sorts in their cabin the best they could with their conditions.
When they got the cabin, they shared one room but have separate beds. The next day after they got married, Levi found Petra pushing the bed together and she said they're married now and he usually climbs on her bed at the middle of the night whenever he has nightmares anyway.
The first ones to know about their shotgun marriage is Petra's father, Erwin and Hange. Hange dragged Erwin to their cabin the very next day after they received the letter.
Mr. Ral wasn't happy at first that Levi didn't ask for his permission (Petra scolded her father for being too old-fashioned) but he eventually told Levi that he approves as long as he's making Petra happy.
Erwin and Hange brought wedding gifts that can help them with their cabin (new cleaning materials, something for their fireplace and since Hange can be crazy, she also brought baby materials. Most are storybooks and onesies haha)
They weren’t planning on having kids but then Levi started reading the children storybooks that Hange brought and Petra noticed that he’d sometimes get this look in his face
We all know Levi would make a great father!!!!
She asked him to stop using protection one night and after three months of trying, Petra did end up pregnant :3
Now for the spicy HCs 💦
Levi wanted to make sure he does everything the right way for her so yes, they do have a wedding night. It was awkward the first time around but Levi has superb stamina 😏  so they did a few rounds and he got the hang of it the second time around.
After the third round, Petra was begging him if they can go to sleep instead. Levi teased her since she accidentally revealed that she's been fantasizing about fucking her captain for years. Now she's giving up?
Okay, that challenged her and they did one last round lol
Turns out Levi being a clean freak doesn't end with brooms, rags and mops! He's also great with aftercare. 
Since Petra didn't have the energy to shower any longer (also taking into consideration her spine's condition), Levi cleaned her afterwards while she just lay there smiling stupidly in contentment.
Sometimes, aftercare ends in more sex though since Levi can't help himself and he starts teasing her again.
...Petra got dicked down on every furniture in their cabin btw. Their favorite is the wooden living room table because it’s in front of the fireplace. 
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heauxplesslydevoted ¡ 4 years ago
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And They Were Roommates (Bryce Lahela x MC)
Summary: A surprise leads to a major shift in Bryce and Casey’s relationship
A/N: Eeeek, this is my first time ever writing a Bryce x MC fic! The day you guys see me writing something not Ethan centric is the day you should play the lotto because it’s more rare than a unicorn sighting.
Anywho....please enjoy!
Tags: @drakewalker04 @canknot @lapisreviewsstuff @senseofduties @maurine07 @badchoicesposts @ermidc @sundaescreamcheese @danijimenezv @starrystarrytrouble @the-pale-goddess @gogotomago95 @have-aheart @aworldoffandoms @zaffrenotes @anotherbeingsworld @to-fangirl-or-not-to-fangirl @nazariolahela @the-unconquered-queen @writinghereandthere @omgjasminesimone @parkerattano @silent-storms-posts
~v~
“Okay, are we going out to lunch?” Casey asks, twisting her fingers into her skirt. From the passenger seat of Bryce’s car, the bustling streets of Boston fly past her. A tendril of her curly hair whips around in the wind, settling on her lip as it sticks to her tacky lip gloss. Bryce is a freaking speed demon and drives too fast for her liking.
But she does like looking at him when he’s behind the wheel. His grip on the wheel is relaxed, much like his posture, slouched low in the seat, right hand drumming against the gear shift. While it’s still winter, the sun is shining brightly, making the highlights in his hair and the light dusting of freckles adorning his nose stand out. Her boyfriend—even thinking that word makes her giddy—makes a pretty sight to behold.
“No, that’s not the plan. But we can go get food once we’re done,” Bryce answers..
“Ice skating?” Casey guesses. She watches as he shakes his head. “But ice skating sounds so fun.”
“We can go ice skating some other time, Case.”
“We’re going to the movies?”
Bryce chuckles. She’s been trying to guess all morning what he has planned for the day, and despite getting every single guess wrong, Casey comes up with another one at the drop of a hat. The persistence is admirable. “You’ll find out soon enough. Stop being so nosy.”
Casey pouts, feigning hurt. “I resent that! I prefer to be called naturally inquisitive. It makes me sound smart.”
“You’re nosy,” Bryce deadpans. “But don’t fret, we’ll be there in like, 5 minutes tops.”
He’s been excited from the moment he told her to get dressed, and Casey can see that his leg is bouncing up and down underneath the steering wheel. Whatever he has planned, he’s really excited about it, so Casey decided to keep quiet and enjoy the rest of the ride.
They enjoy the rest of the short ride, Casey scrolling through Bryce’s different Spotify playlists until she settles on the perfect song, but he’s pulling in and parking his car before she can even hit play.
An apartment complex was not what she was expecting to see. It’s a very nice apartment complex, located a few blocks away from Boston University. Casey can see the college students milling around, some adults walking their dogs, a few older more established couples, some with kids, some without going in and out of the building.
Now her curiosity is piqued. Is Bryce dragging her along to some surgeon friend’s apartment? Is this his idea of a Saturday adventure? Granted, he never promised her an adventure, just a surprise, and while she likes most of his surgical cohort, she’d rather be doing something else. Nonetheless, Casey doesn’t say anything, letting Bryce intertwine their fingers and lead her through the building.
They ride up the elevator in silence until they reach the 4th floor. It isn’t until Bryce reaches into his pocket and pulls out a key do the alarms go off on her brain. “Bryce? Did you–”
“I got a new apartment!” Bryce exclaims, cutting her off. “Surprise!”
Once the door is open, he’s pulling her in, his excitement palpable. Casey looks around the place. It’s unfurnished, the hardwood floors beneath them bright and freshly waxed. And even though she hasn’t looked around, she can already tell it’s much larger than his current 1 bedroom.
“Oh...wow,” is all that manages to come out of her mouth.
“I know! It’s in Keiki’s school district, thank god. And it’s a brand new unit, all stainless steel appliances, marble and quartz countertops, which are apparently huge deals when you’re apartment hunting. In-unit washer and dryer, walk-in closets, there’s a gym and a pool downstairs, a game room–”
Casey watches him as his animatedly rattles off all of the features in the apartment. His face is flush, pink with excitement, his words are breathless and tumbling out of his mouth all at once. She takes a step forward, cupping his face between both hands. “Bryce, I think you should stop and breathe.”
The command makes him flush hard, now from embarrassment. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. You can continue now.”
“That was pretty much it. The main draw is that it’s a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment, so I don’t have to sleep on the couch anymore. Now Keiki and I will each have our own space. Do you think she’ll like it?”
“Will the 15 year old girl like having her own room, and not having to share a bathroom with her older brother?” Casey nods. “Absolutely. Keiki is a lucky duck.” She takes a few steps further into the apartment, silently appraising it. It’s beautiful from what she can see, and she hasn’t even seen the bedrooms. “Question: how are you affording this place? You’re a surgical resident, living in Boston is expensive, and I’m pretty sure Sallie Mae is eating most of your paychecks.”
Bryce looks down at his feet, shuffling them back and forth much to Casey’s dismay. He’s going to scuff the floors doing that. “I uh...I talked to my parents.”
“When?”
“A little over a month ago, before I enrolled Keiki in school. I called my parents and gave them quite the earful about not contacting Keiki once since she’s been in Boston, and I kinda let them have it. Turns out I’ve been holding in a lot of pent up...stuff regarding my parents.”
Casey’s eyes soften at his confession. They hardly ever have conversations about his parents, and when they do, it’s never good. “You want to talk about it?”
Bryce shakes his head, memories of that conversation trying to bubble to the surface. His mother tried her hand at making awkward small talk as if they hadn’t gone years without talking, while his father said nothing at all. He bites the inside of his cheek, willing the bad memory to go away. Negative thoughts of his parents don’t need to invade this space.  “Nah, it’s not important.”
Resisting the urge to call bullshit, Casey simply nods. “Agree to disagree, Bry. But we’ll table it for now and just continue your story.”
He’s grateful that she’s willing to listen, but not pushy enough to force him to talk, leaving the ball in his court. “Long story short, I told them that Keiki is welcome to stay with me in Boston and I wouldn’t make it public news that they all but abandoned their daughter and drag social services into things, if they allowed me to be her legal caregiver.”
“Really?”
“Yup. So I can be in charge of her education and medical decisions while she’s out here. It’s less permanent than me filing her guardianship, and my parents still legally have rights, but it makes things easier. And because of that, my parents are giving me a pretty generous monthly allowance for all of her expenses. Housing, food, school supplies, the works.”
“So child support?”
“Pretty much, yes. I didn’t ask for it, but the Lahelas like to throw money at their problems. Some of that money goes towards the rent here, the rest I put in a savings account for Keiki. I’ll gift her the money when she starts college, so she’ll have a bit of a nest egg, and won’t be dependent on ramen noodles and the McDermot’s dollar menu like I was.”
Bryce shoves his hands into his pockets and looks at Casey, trying to gauge her reaction. “I know I dumped a lot on you, and you probably think I’m insane for taking all of this on but–”
Casey wraps her arms around his waist and cuts him off with a quick kiss. “If I could look at you with literal heart eyes right now, I would.”
“Really?” 
“Really.” She leans forward, resting her head against the solid expanse of his chest. The faint scent of his laundry detergent and his cologne invade her senses, and she relishes in it. He smells like comfort, if there was ever such a thing. “I can’t believe you accomplished all of this in such a short period of time.”
“Well my lease was up, and I was trying to get Keiki situated in school, and it all sort of fell into place at the right time.”
“Stop trying to downplay it,” Casey orders. “You are strong, and brave, and you take initiative in any situation. I don’t know too many 27 year olds that would spring into action and volunteer to raise their teenage sisters, all while being a resident and trying to juggle their own personal life.”
The way she says it, the awe and idolatry in her voice makes his stomach flip. Bryce considers himself to be a pretty self-assured guy. He has a healthy level of self esteem, but something about Casey praising him always causes him to short circuit, without fail. “You make it sound so much cooler than it really is.”
“It is cool,” Carey argues. “You’re doing a noble thing, so let me give you compliments you deserve.”
He doesn’t meet her eyes immediately, the bashfulness still holding him tight. Eventually, Bryce looks up at her, her expression open and earnest. “You make me sound so much better than I really am.”
Casey grabs hold of his sweater and tugs him closer, forcing him to crane forward and be at her eye level. “Mhmm, it’s a hidden talent of mine. I happen to be an excellent salesperson.”
Bryce smirks, their lips barely brushing against each other, and mumbles “You’re such a dork,” before capturing her in a kiss. Casey responds instantly, matching his eagerness and fervor. It doesn’t take long for things to get more heated, his tongue slipping into her mouth, hands going to grip her waist.
She breaks to kiss to inhale sharply. “You’ve lived here for 5 minutes and you’re already trying to defile the place.”
“Can’t help it. You make me feel like a horny teenager again, baby.”
“Well stop it.”
Bryce rolls his eyes. “You’re no fun.”
“Come on loverboy, show me around. Give me the grand tour.”
They wander around the apartment at a leisurely pace, Casey pointing out all of the different things Bryce could buy to furnish the place—“What do you mean you’ve never gone to Home Goods?”—and admonishing his idea to shop on Craigslist. He’s an adult, not a college freshman, and his home should reflect that.
“You want to know what the best part is?” Bryce asks, leading Casey back to their starting point, the living room.
“What?”
“Keiki’s bedroom is on the other side of the apartment, separated by a pretty sizable living room.”
He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, and she shoves at his chest, laughing. “And? Are you trying to say something?”
“Yeah, that one of us—you—can be pretty loud at times.”
Her cheeks heat up and she blushes furiously. “Well I’ll make sure to keep it quiet on the nights that I sleep over.”
“What if you didn’t just spend the night over here?”
He instantly regrets the way he phrased that sentence because it sounds like he just told her he doesn’t want her in his apartment. Casey frowns. “What do you mean?”
“Sorry! That sounded weird.” He flushes, stumbling over his words. Something about Casey Valentine makes him very nervous. “That’s not what I meant, I promise.”
Bryce grabs both of Casey’s hands, holding them close to his chest. “Move in with me.”
Her eyes widen at the suggestion. He wants to do what? “What?”
“I spent all of last year tiptoeing around our relationship, trying to keep things light and breezy when I really didn’t want that. And it took you being in that...horrible accent for me to finally reveal the full extent of my feelings for you. Now that we’re together and official, I don’t want to waste any more time.”
“I would like to go to sleep with you every night, your ice cold feet pressed against my legs, and your curly hair tickling my nose because you’ve invaded my side of the bed. And I want to wake up to you every morning, because even though you think you look crazy in the morning, I think you’re absolutely beautiful. I want us to cook together every day, or just you because you’re a much better cook than I am.” Casey giggles at his jokes, which only spur him on further. “Besides Keiki, you’re the most important person I have, and I want you here with me, permanently.”
When Casey doesn’t say anything immediately, Bryce understands. He just dropped a bomb—a few bombs actually—right at her feet, she needs time to process. But the silence stretches until it grows into something long and uncomfortable, and a thin sheen of sweat forms at Bryce’s hairline. Did he just shoot himself in the foot? Did he seriously overestimate her feelings for him, and the nature of their relationship?
Before he can open his mouth to renege on the invitation, Casey speaks. “We’re going to have to talk to your landlord, or the property manager, because a new lease needs to be drawn up.”
“W-what?”
“I mean, I assume it’s just you and Keiki listed on the lease, and I don’t want to just be a permanent guest staying in your apartment. I want it to be our apartment, so I need to be on the lease agreement,” Casey explains. “And I know you said your parents cover most of the rent on this place, but I want to contribute, so I guess I’ll be in charge of the–”
She doesn’t get to finish talking because Bryce is on her in an instant, his mouth crashing into hers in a fiery kiss. His fingers dig into her hips, walking her backwards until her back bumps into the kitchen island. In a quick show of strength, Bryce lifts her onto the island, and Casey has to break the kiss to hiss. 
“Shit, that’s cold!”
“Sorry baby.” He’s not the least bit sorry, flashing her his signature smirk. “I’ll warm you up.”
“And you say I’m the dorky one,” Casey teases, laughing as Bryce kisses her between each word.
“You are,” he insists, kissing down her neck. She squirms away from him as his lips find a particularly sensitive spot, but he holds her in place. “We bring that out in each other.”
He kisses her a few more times, some softer than others, some so deep, she feels dizzy when he pulls away.
“We’re really going to do this?” Casey asks rhetorically. “This whole living together thing?”
“We are. I asked, and you said yes, so you’re stuck with me, little lady.” 
There’s a smile on his face, so huge, Casey really thinks he might blind her with his pearly white teeth. She hasn’t seen him this relaxed, this unabashedly happy in a while. She can’t help but to smile back.
“You have to let me have creative control on furniture and decorations though.”
“This apartment is going to look like a furniture store magazine spread.”
Casey nods. “It’ll smell like the inside of a Bath & Body Works store in here, too.”
“You’re going to go crazy on the candles, aren’t you?”
“Oh absolutely. They also have cute wall plug-ins.”
Bryce laughs. “I don’t care. You and Keiki can do whatever you want to the place.”
“Mhmm, now you’re talking my language, Lahela.”
They talk excitedly, basking in the fun that this new journey is going to bring their relationship. They don’t know how much time has passed when the conversation finally dwindles down.
“Hey, Bryce?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you let me down from here?” Casey asks, gesturing to the countertop. Bryce has her caged in, arms on either side of her. “Despite your best efforts to warm me up with a make-out session, this thing is freezing cold.”
“No one told you to wear a mini skirt like this in winter, you naughty school girl.”
“I resent that! This skirt is very cute, and it would’ve looked even cuter had you taken me ice skating.”
Bryce rolls his eyes. He’s gonna have to take this girl to the ice skating rink, and soon. He trails his hands up and down her legs, taking in all the goosebumps that have popped up on her smooth skin.
“You want to know where this skirt would look even better?”
“Where?”
Gripping the backs of her thighs, Bryce lifts Casey off of the countertop and into his arms. “The floor of our new bedroom.” 
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sephhaa ¡ 4 years ago
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How To Customize Your Tumblr Blog!
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Alright! Here is the long-awaited blog post I’ve been meaning to make for a long time now. When I was trying to customize my tumblr blog, I found it extremely difficult(especially because the first time I got on tumblr I didn’t customize my own page at all) So hopefully, this will help you try to create a masterlist, how to navigate features and implement a theme for your blog! Also I hope this can answer some questions people have if they’ve come to an error when creating your blog.
I’ll also be making a AO3 guide(mainly how to customize your writing on the HTML page on ao3) so if you’re looking for that go here.
I’ll also be making a potential youtube video for these two guides. Since I don’t have a lot of time today, I’ll be making a video on these two guides the next time I decide to revamp my blog and I’ll be sure to link those.
Alright! Let’s start!
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Alright! So starting in your homepage we’d be focusing on choosing, implementing and setting up a theme for your blog. 
But before we do that, I highly—HIGHLY suggest you go through your blog and delete the clutter on your page. By clutter I mean—reblogs. Or at least delete MOST of them. Reason being—if you are a fic writer(like myself) and you publish your stories on your tumblr blog, your masterlist etc; and you want to link your chapters on your masterlist or you want to locate your masterlist(the original post NOT the reblog) it’s hard to do that with all the reblogs cluttering your page. This is crucial for later when we create our masterlist. If you are a fic writer and you’ve been uploading your chapters and you already have a masterlist—locate them, copy their link addresses(which I will teach you how to get copy link addresses in this guide) and paste them on a google doc or a notes of some sort. It’d save you so much time later when creating/revamping your masterlist.
If you absolutely refuse to de-clutter your blog and/or you’ve never published on tumblr but you plan to so you don’t necessarily need to scroll so much to find your original masterlist post/story post/chapters etc; then ignore this step. 
But if you are a fic writer or writer in general and you have a masterlist and/or story posts/chapters published on your tumblr blog—go ahead and scroll to find those original posts(NOT the reblog) and get their copy link addresses and paste those links in a separate google doc, notes etc. You can refer to this doc/notes when creating/revamping your masterlist/story post without having to delete any of your reblogs. I must warn you tho, it WILL take you a lot of time. Especially if you reblog A LOT. Happy scrolling!
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TUMBLR THEME:
Okay—moving on—THEME! Alright so you need to find a theme for your blog. What is a theme?
A theme is a decorative set up for your blog.
But before you go looking for/implementing a theme, here is some things you need to know:
1-  Many of these themes are made by fellow tumblr creators who have spent SO MUCH time creating the codes for these themes. In saying that, when you do select a theme by a creator, READ THEIR RULES! It’s very important that we’re following the rules that these creators put for some of these themes.
2 - The general rules for themes if you plan on using one:
*Do not change/steal the themes and/or use them as a base to implement a different theme.
3 - If you want to change something, look at the rules and see what you are allowed to change and what you’re not allowed to change. If its not listed, reach out to the creator to see if making these changes are okay. Generally, these creators are good at listing their rules and/or do’s/don’ts for their themes.
4 - Reblog the theme you chose! Not only does this let the creator know you’re using their theme, it also lets other people check out their page in search of themes. 
Now that’s out the way—I’m going to list a couple of theme pages I frequent:
¡  https://maziekeen.tumblr.com/
¡  https://glenthemes.tumblr.com/
¡  https://raiidens.tumblr.com/
¡  https://amboise.tumblr.com/
¡  https://kosmique.tumblr.com/tagged/t:recs
¡  https://magnusthemes.tumblr.com/
¡  https://seyche.tumblr.com/tagged/%26themes
¡  https://egg.design/tagged/egg%20theme
¡  https://lemonfawn.tumblr.com/
¡  https://yeolithm.com/portfolio
¡  https://xuethms.tumblr.com/tagged/codes-by-xue
¡  https://warugaki-themes.tumblr.com/tagged/warutemas
¡  https://www.floralcodes.com/page/2
If you find that you don’t like any of the themes I’ve listed here, you could always search on tumblr, â€œtumblr themes” and a whole list of pages come up.
Once you’ve found your theme, let’s head on over to â€œEdit Theme.”
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Once you’ve located â€œEdit Theme” in your settings, click on it and it’d open up to a new tab where you’d be implementing your new theme.
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Today I’ll be using a theme from @maziekeen​ !
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Once you have opened your â€œEdit Theme” page, you’d see that theres a bunch of functions to your right. This is where we will be implementing our new theme, specifically this bar:
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Now, you’re going to click, â€œEdit HTML,” this will open a window that will look like this:
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It will open up a window with a bunch of coding, here we will be deleting that code to replace it with a new code that is our new theme. To quickly delete this old code you’d press down on keys:
SHIFT+CMD+A(MAC)
SHIFT+ALT+A(Windows)
This will select all the code:
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Now as you can see, all of that code is highlighted. You’re going to go ahead and delete it by clicking:
delete(MAC) 
or 
backspace(Windows)
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Once all of it is empty we’re going to head on over to our new code theme.
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On your creators theme page(or the theme post, whichever is fine) Many creators have different verbiage for getting codes. Sometimes it’d say, “CODE”, “GET CODE”, “Download,” etc. Either way,(and in my case) you’d click â€œGet Code,” which will redirect you to a website to download the code.
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Many creators use Pastebin as a way to paste these VERY long codes. If there’s an option, you’re going to find and click â€œdownload.” If you can’t find a download option, it’s likely that you have to click â€œRAW” to download the code. In my case, the download option is available for me so it’d just click download and it’d open in a separate document. I find that if you download on raw, it will open to a new tab with a long list of code. Either one is fine.
I also want to mention that—some themes you might come across are priced. VERY affordable and if you have some money to spare, def buy a theme and support the creator!
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Once you’ve downloaded your theme’s code it will open in a separate doc(or open in a separate tab) with a long list of code. Here you will select all the code:
SHIFT+CMD+A(MAC)
SHIFT+ALT+A(Windows)
This will select all the code, copy the code:
CMD+C(MAC)
ALT+C(Windows)
Go back to your Edit Theme page. You’re going to go ahead and paste your new code onto the empty HTML space:
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Now with your new code, you will click on â€œUpdate Preview” Once it loads, your entire page will change to that new theme’s layout:
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Now click save!
Alright! Now, let’s say you don’t really like the colors, or you want your profile icon to appear on said theme layout(sometimes your avatar icon won’t appear at all or you won’t have that option. If you want that option it’s likely you’re going to have to search for another theme where it’s obvious you can put your profile picture in one of the icons.) You’re going to go to the sidebar, scroll until you see all of these functions:
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Here on the sidebar you can change the colors to your theme! You can also change the theme’s background, and in this case(photo icon) in the sidebar feature. You can also scroll down a bit where it says â€œlinks” and add names and links to things people can click on.
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That’s all for adding your theme!!
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COPY ADDRESS LINK:
Now, here is where de-cluttering your blog comes in handy. Here, we’re going to locate our chapters, story post, masterlist etc(if you publish all your written posts on your tumblr) or if you’ve already published all of your story posts/chapters onto your masterlist here on Tumblr then we need to locate the original master post.
The reason we need to locate the original master post is so that when people/readers click your masterlist—it won’t be a reblogged version of it with a bunch of writing you have previously posted on that reblog. The original, 9 times out of 10 looks a lot more organized etc.
Once you have located your masterlist—go on ahead and follow these steps:
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*Hover your mouse on the very top, right hand corner of your masterlist.
*A flap animation is going to appear(like the above photo)
*Once it appears, right click it
*A little window will appear, it’d look like this:
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Here you’re going to click, â€œCopy Link Address.”
Once you have copied the link address you can place this link on your Edit Theme bio so people can click your link to your Masterlist. You can also use this to copy link addresses for all your chapters/story posts when you’re trying to link your chapters within your masterlist. I’ll explain how to do that later in this guide. 
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MASTERLIST:
Okay! Moving on to creating/revamping your masterlist!
If you already have a masterlist then completely ignore this step and go on over to how to put your masterlist on your bio/any errors you might have come across when trying to put your masterlist on your bio.
You’re going to go to your homepage and create a new post:
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Here you’re going to title your masterlist, add images etc. Here are some features I find that a lot of people don’t know about/where to locate these features:
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The, â€œKeep Reading” feature is a feature I find more than often a lot of people don’t know how to locate/add to their posts. The read more option is especially great if you have a really long chapter or a long post(such as this one) It’s especially helpful if you have a very long masterlist. I’m going to use my masterlist as a example to add the read more feature:
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On your masterlist post, you can add the â€œKeep reading” feature by simply clicking the little three dots icon:
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By clicking it—it immediately creates a page break saying, â€œKeep reading”
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Another feature I find people not knowing how to do is linking their stories(story posts) on their masterlist. Here’s how to do it:
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Here’s my fic, â€œHere’s to Forgetting 1974″ and I’m trying to add it to my masterlist. We’re going to copy the address link on this post(make sure if you’re going to add a story to your masterlist that it is the original post) once we have the link let’s go back to our Masterlist:
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First we need to set up a title or some sort of text for this feature to work. I simply just titled, â€œHere’s to Forgetting 1974″ as my text. You’re going to highlight your title—immediately, a set of features will appear:
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Here we’re going to click on this icon:
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This will open to a smaller window to paste a link in:
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Here we will paste our copy link address from our story post onto this small window link. Once you’ve done that, click â€œDone.”
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Immediately your title is underlined and if you hover your mouse over it and/or click it, it’d redirect you to your story from your masterlist post.
This process is similar if you want to link your chapters onto your story posts.
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Here’s my story, â€œThe Case of 1979″ and lets say I published a new chapter for this fic and I want to put the chapter link onto my story post. 
*Go copy the copy address link of your new chapter
*Locate your story post:
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Let’s say I’m adding a surprise chapter 12(lol) 
Type your text, â€œChapter 1.” â€œ1, 2, 3″ any type of text. Here I’m just going to title my text, “Chapter 12,”:
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And follow the same steps as before:
*Highlight the text
*Click on the link icon
*Paste the copy link address of your published chapter onto the https:// window
*Click done
Once you do that, hover your mouse above the chapter text/click it and it’d  redirect you to the chapter from your story post.
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Now that your masterlist is set up, here is the very long, and complicated process of adding your masterlist(or any link in general) to your bio. 
Head on over to the “Edit Theme,” page.
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Here, we will be paying extra attention to the â€œDescription” bar. 
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Now, there is a bit of coding you’d have to do here and how you write the code MATTERS:
The coding is:
<a href=“
that is:
<a SPACE href= QUOTATION MARK ( â€œ )
Now. You cannot—CANNOT copy and paste this code in/copy and paste your links on your bio(in case you want to go ahead and copy everything in your bio and save it on a separate doc to save for later) I love copy and paste—less time consuming etc—but unfortunately, the description bar DOES NOT like it so we gotta deal with it lol.
Now you’re going to go ahead and locate your original masterlist post, copy the address link and start setting up the format:
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After you have pasted your link and ended it with a quotation mark( “ ) at the end. We need to set up some kind of text so that the entire link doesn’t show up on your bio. I’ll title my text: â€œ | M.List. | ” You can write any title, as long as its within this coding:
</a> (Beginning)
</a> (End)
</a> TEXT </a> 
(of course, all together, no spaces. For the sake of this example I just want to separate the text from the code so you can clearly see what you’d have to do.)
You’re going to put your text in between this coding:
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Your link should look like this and it’d appear like this on your theme layout:
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You should be able to click these links even in the theme layout. 
And that’s how you set up your links in your bio!
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Here is a common problem that happens when you add links to your bio. Let’s say you go ahead, go to settings and decide to change your â€œEdit Appearance,” to your blog:
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Alright, you change your page’s coloring, the background, your profile picture—cool! Not so cool for your links! 
Almost immediately, you’d find that your links will cease to work if you change your profile’s appearance. Why? because when you change it, your links are in that bio where the coloring is—those links are also being changed since they’re there.
You’d need to go back to, â€œEdit Theme” go to the description bar and TYPE out your entire code/text again. You can just copy and paste your copy address link of your masterlist but you’d have to type out the coding and text all over again.
And you’d have to do this every time you decide to change your Tumblr blog’s appearance. 
Alright! That is all for this guide! I hope you’ve found this useful! I’ll be uploading an ao3 guide under my â€œguides” link on my bio where I’ll share how to navigate ao3 and all it’s weird functions. I’ll also teach you guys how to customize your writing(indenting, images, fonts(bold, underlined etc) on the HTML format in the case you don’t like the the other writing format that ao3 has to offer(it’s real ugly lowkey lol) also I’ll be providing some tips and tricks to make posting your ao3 chapters on HTML more simpler. 
If you’re interested in me or my stories, I write both BTS content and Anime content( Currently it’s Voltron but I do plan on writing a fic for Death Note and Inyuasha(cuz there isn’t enough Sango and Miroku content and that’s a CRIME) follow me and give my stories a read!
Until my next guide!
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ryanjdonovan ¡ 4 years ago
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DONOVAN’S OSCAR PROGNOSTICATION 2021
We all knew it was coming: The Oscar nominees are now almost literally handpicked by Netflix and Amazon. We thought it would be a few years away, but it's just one more piece of fallout from the pandemic. It won't be long now before I'm making my predictions for the Flixies or the Amazies. (By the way, streamers: I just want to watch the friggin' credits, why is that such a problem??)
In case you haven't been paying attention (and I'm pretty sure you haven't), Nomadland is going to win the big Oscars. Haven't seen Nomadland? Or even heard of it? Or any of the Oscar-nominated films? Or didn't even know the Oscars were happening this year? You're not alone. With no theaters this past year, the non-bingeable, non-Netflix-welcome-screen movies were pretty much an afterthought. (But if you asked the streaming services, the nominees this year each accounted for a billion new subscribers and topped the worldwide digital box office for months.)
Well, I'm here to tell you the Oscars are in fact happening, albeit a few months late. Fear not: my 22nd annual Oscar predictions will provide everything you need to know before the big night. (You don't even need to watch the movies themselves -- reading this article will take you just as long.)
BEST PICTURE:
SHOULD WIN: Minari WILL WIN: Nomadland GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Pieces Of A Woman INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Ma Rainey's Black Bottom
If you're a fan of capitalism, this is not the year for you. Nominees like Nomadland, Mank, Judas And The Black Messiah, The Trial Of The Chicago 7, Ma Rainey's Black Bottom, Hillbilly Elegy, Minari, and The White Tiger are all (to varying degrees) indictments of a capitalist system, or at the very least are suspicious of those who benefit from it, and focus on those left behind. It's certainly fertile ground for angst and high drama, if not belly laughs. (Don't get me started on the ironies of all these movies being distributed by billion-dollar conglomerates. The filmmakers, producers, and actors can tell you that the checks cash just fine.) Like Austin Powers said, "Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh comrades?"
There is no way for me to talk about Nomadland, which will win Best Picture, without sounding like an a-hole. It's a gorgeous work of art, and a fascinating character study, but I struggled to connect to the story. (You should know that for me as a movie watcher, story is more engaging than artfulness or character. But hey, why can't we have all three?) I wanted to like it, I really did. I'm content to drift along with Fern, the resilient main character played naturally by Frances McDormand, but she has no true objective or antagonist. She's a nomad on the road, either searching or hiding, either with the world or against the world, we're not quite sure which. I thought it might be driving (literally) toward a bigger revelation or resolution, but no. (Same with life, I guess.) It's meandering, reticent, languorous, and ethereal (I'm trying really hard to avoid using the word "boring" here). This is all quite intentional, by the way -- the film moves at the pace of its protagonist, and the effect is palpable. (And don't worry, it's not lost on me that I'm watching this movie about people barely scraping by, on a large ultra-high-def TV on my comfy couch in my warm home under an electric blanket, using a streaming service that the movie's characters probably couldn't access or afford.) Am I wrong about all this? Of course I'm wrong. Every critic out there is doing backflips over this film. And not surprisingly, the movie's mortality themes are playing well with the Academy, whose average age and closeness to death are extremely high. (Like the nomad Swankie, they're all anxious about that final kayak ride down the River Styx.) But beware the movie whose 'user/audience score' is significantly lower than its 'critic score' -- it means that regular people are not quite buying it. For me, the biggest problem with slice-of-life films is that I don't really want to go to movies to experience regular life -- I have life for that. Then again, I'm also a superficial, materialistic a-hole. But you knew that already. (Added intrigue: Hulu, Nomadland's distributor, might score a Best Picture win before Amazon, and gives Amazon a subtle middle-finger in the movie with its depiction of seasonal workers.)
Remember when feel-good movies were a thing? It didn’t mean that there were no conflicts or problems for the characters, it just meant that they were enjoyable to watch, and you came out feeling good about humans. Minari is the rare feel-good Oscar movie, and my personal pick for what should win Best Picture. It easily might have been a tough sit based on the premise: A Korean family moves to rural Arkansas to start a farm, and must overcome a drought, financial calamity, a complete lack of agriculture experience, a crumbling marriage, the son's potentially-deadly heart condition, and a grandmother that drinks all their Mountain Dew. In keeping with Oscar tradition, it could have been a constant assault of upsetting scenes. But instead, it's a warm, sunny, optimistic, funny movie. The family faces struggles and hardships, to be sure, but the story is treated with positivity, not negativity; with a sense of community, not isolation; with an attitude of resolve, not blame. And they get through their problems with mutual support, togetherness, tenderness, humanity, and of course, love. (Not to mention grandma planting some weeds that may or may not miraculously heal physical and emotional wounds.) All these things combine to make it a more engaging experience for me than Nomadland. Not only do I wish this movie would win the Oscar, I wish I could give it a hug.
A lot of pundits think The Trial Of The Chicago 7 has the best chance to upset Nomadland. But I'm not seeing that happen. It was an early favorite and has been getting tons of nominations in the awards run-up, but it hasn't actually been winning much, and seems to be losing steam. (The lack of a Best Director nod is virtually a killer.) I think Minari has a small chance to sneak away with a victory, as it's gotten almost as much universal praise as Nomadland, but hasn't had the same audience. Judas And The Black Messiah is an interesting case, in that it's a late entry that had little early awareness (it didn't plan to be eligible until next year's Oscars), but it scooped several unexpected nominations. Debuting a contender late and taking advantage of recency bias has been a successful strategy in the past, so don't be surprised by a surprise. (Had Shaka King scored the last Director slot over Thomas Vinterberg, I think Judas would be a fairly legitimate threat.)
If you had asked me in September, I would have predicted that Mank would be the wire-to-wire favorite to win Best Picture. Aside from being a prestige David Fincher film (more on him later), it's a smorgasbord of Classic Tales of Hollywood. And the centerpiece couldn't be bolder: It's an homage to, a making of, a dissection of, and political dissertation on Citizen Kane -- only the most deified film of all time. Simply recite the synopsis, describe the film's 1940s black-and-white aesthetic, and mention Gary Oldman's name as the star, and just watch the Oscars come pouring in, right? Well, not quite. It netted 10 nominations, more than any other film, but it's looking like it might not win any of them, certainly not Best Picture. I don't think the film quite knows what it wants to be; at least, I'm not sure what it wants to be. Centered on Herman Mankiewicz, the man credited with co-writing Citizen Kane with Orson Welles, it's a distorted, polemical, impressionistic portrait of a man I barely even knew existed. Though Welles is only briefly portrayed in the film, it demystifies him a bit, suggesting that he's maybe not as responsible for this work of genius as we thought. If the film was framed as "Who actually wrote Citizen Kane?", it would be a little easier to get into. But it feels somewhat academic and circuitous (in a way that Kane itself doesn't). And while the script is clever, it's clever to the point of being confusing. Of course, a film of this pedigree invites a lot of scrutiny, maybe more than any other awards contender (or any film that actually got released this past year, period). It has a lot to appreciate, and surely would benefit from a second viewing. I also can't help but root for the fact that it's been Fincher's passion project for almost a quarter-century. (Then again, tell that to any indie filmmaker who spends their whole life on a single passion project that ends up getting completely ignored, and they’ll tell you where to shove your Fincher pity.) Ultimately, it's an admirable work, but if you're looking for a Rosebud, it's not there.
Promising Young Woman continues to defy expectations. Not only did it rack up six Oscar nominations, it's likely to win one or two of them, and for a while, was gaining on Nomadland for Best Picture. Now that the chips are falling into place, we know it won't win in this category, but it remains one of the most talked-about films of the season. What I like most about the film is not necessarily the literal story (I should have seen the main twist coming a mile away), but the way writer/director Emerald Fennell elevates it in an interesting way. Instead of showing the whole story, she starts her film at the end of a typical revenge thriller (several years after the incident and the legal aftermath). In fact, the victim is not even in the movie, and the victim's best friend is already far along on her path of retribution. (It also challenges the definition of "victim".) The film is not voyeuristically exciting in any way; it's unsettling, but also oddly charming in unexpected ways. The key for me is how it serves as a metaphor for the secrets people keep from loved ones and the toll that it takes on them, and the penances we give ourselves instead of allowing ourselves to heal. It also made me realize that movies could use more Juice Newton. (Paris Hilton, not so much.)
Sound Of Metal and The Father were probably the last two films to make the cut in this category, and are the least likely to win. Their best chances are in other categories. (Pro Tip: If you put the word "sound" in the title of your movie, there's a very good chance you'll win Best Sound.)
I don’t recommend Pieces Of A Woman to anyone who's pregnant, or partners of pregnant women, or anyone planning to have babies anytime in the future, or any partners of anyone planning to have babies anytime in the future, or people hoping to be grandparents anytime in the future, or doctors. (And I'm certain midwives are not giving this a ringing endorsement.) The film starts with an infant death, and then gets worse from there. It's not just an unpleasant experience, it's a series of unrelenting unpleasant experiences: Depression, extra-marital affairs, guilt, a domineering mother, lying, manipulative spouses, abandonment, feelings of inadequacy, sexual dysfunction, litigation, sibling jealousy, public shame, borderline domestic abuse, bribery, courtroom drama, financial problems, baseless blame, and drug addiction. And if that's not upsetting enough, they also manage to throw the Holocaust in there. (This should be a movie sub-genre: "Parade of Horrible Events". This fraternity would include: Manchester By The Sea, Mudbound, Uncut Gems, 12 Years A Slave, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, The Family Stone, and of course, The Revenant.) And then there are the characters. It would be one thing if these were ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances. But these are extraordinary a--holes making extraordinary circumstances much worse. It's literally laughable. If I didn't understand what the word 'melodramatic' meant before, I do now. I'm aware that this is based on the experiences of writing/directing spouses Kata Wéber and Kornél Mundruczó, and I don't mean to trivialize their pain or what they went through. Nobody should have to suffer that trauma. And I realize art is a healthy and oftentimes beautiful outlet for grief. But… did I mention the movie is unpleasant? There are certainly wonderful fragments and ideas in here; if the components added up to something moving, I would be much more receptive to it. If I were a snarky (okay, snarkier) reviewer, I might call it "Pieces Of A Better Movie".
Soul is a lovely and inspiring movie, but I'm at the point where I have to judge films by my experience while watching them with children. Try explaining this movie to a 6-year-old. Way too many existential/philosophical/theological questions. I guess it's good for parents who like to talk to their children, but if you're trying to keep your kid occupied and quiet (the reason screens were invented) so you can do something else, it's a bust. (It's no match for the hysterical self-explanatory antics of a certain motor-mouthed, overweight, black-and-white, martial-arts-fighting bear with a penchant for sitting on people's heads and, more importantly, keeping kids silently dumbstruck.) And: Did they have to make the entrance to the afterlife -- a giant bug zapper -- so terrifying? If that's how you get to heaven, what is the entrance to hell like??
BEST ACTOR:
SHOULD WIN: Chadwick Boseman (Ma Rainey's Black Bottom) WILL WIN: Chadwick Boseman (Ma Rainey's Black Bottom) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Pete Davidson (The King Of Staten Island) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Delroy Lindo (Da 5 Bloods)
This one hurts. I usually don't feel a connection to or an overabundance of sympathy for celebrities, but this one genuinely hurts. When Chadwick Boseman wins Best Actor (for Ma Rainey's Black Bottom), it will be a wonderful celebration, but also a painful reminder, not just of who he was, but of who he was yet to be. If ever there was a unanimous vote, this would be it. Before this movie, we had seen him play heroes and outsized personalities, but there had been nothing quite like his role as Levee, the gifted and demonized trumpet player in Ma Rainey's band. His brash, wounded performance is astonishing, revelatory. Since the film debuted after his passing, we can only watch it through the prism of his death. It's hard not to feel parallels: Levee is just starting to scratch the surface of his talent, giving us hints of his abilities with composition and brass before his breakdown; similarly, we have only gotten a taste of Boseman's range and depth. For both the character and the man, we're being deprived of the art he would have created. Boseman's passing makes the performance more resonant and unshakeable, but I think under different circumstances he would still be the front-runner in this race. The only difference would be, we'd assume this would be the first prize of many.
Anthony Hopkins picked an unusual time to go on a hot streak. He recently left a memorable impression on the Marvel Cinematic Universe as Odin, got an Emmy nomination for Westworld, and scored 2 Oscar nominations (after a 22-year drought) -- all after his 80th birthday. This year's nomination, for playing a man slipping into dementia in The Father, probably would have been a favorite to notch him his second Oscar in a different year. He seems like he should be a two-time winner, and we just don't know how many more chances he'll have. (I stand by my declaration that he should have won last year for The Two Popes, over Brad Pitt.) To those aforementioned aging Academy members who fear mortality and probably consider Hopkins a spry young man: Maybe you shouldn't watch this movie.
Riz Ahmed's performance in Sound Of Metal establishes the tone for the entire film, making the experience feel grounded and real. I appreciate how his outward, physical performance is very still, while his internal performance is frenetic, like there's a live wire in his head that he's trying to conceal from the world. His quietness leaves us with an uncertainty that feels like authentic; he's not going to tell us all the answers, because his character is figuring it out as he goes. Speaking of questions, I have a few about his band in the movie (before the hearing loss): Are they any good? What kind of living do they make? Is their cashflow net positive or negative? Are they considered successful (in whatever way you want to define that)? What is their ceiling, commercially and artistically? Are they one lucky break away from making it, or is it a lost cause? Most importantly, if Ahmed and fellow nominee LaKeith Stanfield (Judas And The Black Messiah) had a sad, doleful, wide-eyed staring contest, who would win?
Steven Yeun has been a recognizable face in film and TV (and a prolific voice actor) for a decade, but we haven't really seen him front and center until Minari. And after this bright, heartwarming turn, I think you can expect him to remain in the spotlight for the foreseeable future. His understated and remarkable performance carries this beautiful story of a family finding its path through a new way of life. Despite scant dialogue and minimal exposition, we seem to always know what his character is thinking -- that he's facing daunting odds but has a steel resolve. He and screen partner Yeri Han (who deserves as much credit as Yeun for this film) create one of the most tender crumbling marriages I've seen on screen in a long time. (Though a marriage counselor could have given his character some helpful "dos and don'ts" that might have saved him some headaches.)
What's more improbable, Mank's meandering, decades-long journey to the screen, or the fact that we're supposed to believe 63-year Gary Oldman as a man in his 30s and early 40s? Well, once his performance begins, it's so hammy that you forget all about the ridiculous age discrepancy. He's playing Herman Mankiewicz, whose bombastic writing and sozzled demeanor helped mold the script for Citizen Kane into the legend that it is. It's a bloviated, ostentatious, spectacular exhibition of affectation and panache that only Oldman could pull off. It's a lot of fun. (It must be exhausting to be his wife.) It’s as if Mank wrote the story of his own life... and gave himself the best part.
I'm naming Delroy Lindo for my snubbed choice, for his intense and crushing performance in Da 5 Bloods. I've been hoping he'd get an Oscar nomination for 20 years, and by all accounts, this was going to be his year. Even in the fall, after a slew of critics' awards, he was the odds-on favorite to win. So it was a disappointment that his name wasn't called when nominations were read. For now, he'll have to be content with being everyone's favorite never-nominated actor. (But here's to hoping The Harder They Fall is frickin' amazing, so he can end that drought next year.) There are plenty of honorable mentions this year: Adarsh Gourav (The White Tiger), Mads Mikkelsen (Another Round), and Kingsley Ben-Adir (One Night In Miami) come to mind. (By the way: How often do Kingsley Ben-Adir and Sir Ben Kingsley get each other's take-out orders switched?) But my runner-up is John David Washington (my snubbed pick two years ago), who undoubtedly became an A-List movie star in the past year… but not for the reason you think. Yes, Tenet was a blockbuster and the cinematic story of the summer, but he had special effects and storyline trickery supporting him. Instead, Malcolm And Marie is what stands out to me -- he has nothing but his performance (as abrasive as it is), and he still commands the screen and our attention. When he gets hold of a juicy monologue, he starts cooking… but when he starts dancing on the countertop? Look out.
BEST ACTRESS:
SHOULD WIN: Andra Day (The United States Vs. Billie Holiday) WILL WIN: Andra Day (The United States Vs. Billie Holiday) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Anya Taylor-Joy (Emma.) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Jessie Buckley (I'm Thinking of Ending Things)
Coming down to the wire, we've got a race where three women have a chance to win, and the favorite depends on who you ask and when you ask. Carey Mulligan, Viola Davis, and Andra Day have each won precursor awards, and seem to leapfrog each other daily. Mulligan has been picked by most prognosticators, with Davis right behind. But I'm going to put my untarnished reputation on the line and predict a long-shot upset for Day. (And when that doesn't happen, I'm going to say that I actually thought Mulligan or Davis were more likely.)
Maybe I'm picking Andra Day because she's also my personal favorite, for her star-making debut in The United States Vs. Billie Holiday. The movie itself is serviceable but not stellar (some of the scenes and dialogue are absurdly expository), but Day is an absolute dynamo as the Lady Day. The film is a fairly rounded picture of her life, including her drug abuse, health issues, singing the controversial-at-the-time civil-rights song "Strange Fruit", and an investigation by the U.S. government (hence the title) -- all of which is intriguing for those of us not familiar with her personal story. (I'm sure you'll be shocked to learn that, despite my curmudgeonly ways, I was not in fact alive in the 1940s.) Day has seemingly come out of nowhere, because there was no early hype about the film, and nobody even saw it until a few weeks ago (and even now, it hasn't been seen by nearly as many people as the other contenders). Known primarily as a singer before this (I'm a big fan), she literally transformed her voice (straining her vocal chords, taking up smoking) to capture Billie Holiday's unique vocals. The singing alone might be enough to get her a nomination, but it's the dramatic work that puts her ahead of the field. More than any other nominee, we really get the feeling that she's laying her soul bare onscreen. Even for a seasoned actress, the depth of this performance would be impressive. Her film doesn't have the popularity or momentum that Mulligan's or Davis's do, so she's heading into Oscar night as an underdog. But if voters judge the actresses strictly on performance, not on the movies themselves, she might just pull an upset. And, if you haven't heard Day sing outside this movie, do yourself a favor: Stop reading this article (you might want to do that anyway) and browse her catalogue -- she has the best voice of any contemporary singer, period. Forget Billie Eilish, why isn't Day singing the next James Bond song?
Carey Mulligan returns to the Oscar game for the first time in 11 years, for Promising Young Woman. (Is she bitter that her performance in An Education lost to Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side? Probably not as bitter as I am.) Promising Young Woman is getting a lot of attention and accolades, and much of it is due to Mulligan's strong turn as Cassandra, a woman on a revenge crusade that has taken over her life. It's a layered performance; we see a lot of Cassandra's facades, but we don't know if we ever see the real person. Her best friend's rape and subsequent suicide has left her stunted; by the time we meet Cassandra, she's literally and figuratively become someone else. As rough as it sounds, Mulligan is able to make it… well, 'fun' isn't the right word, but 'enjoyable'. We see Cassandra refusing to sit or be bullied; she has agency and kinetic energy in situations where many do not or cannot. Whether or not the film works rests largely on Mulligan's shoulders; it's a good thing she's such a talented actress, because not many could pull it off. The more people see the film, the more she's been picked to win the prize. Will she get enough support for a victory? (Ms. Bullock, you owe her a vote.)
Out of all the nominated performances this year, Viola Davis's is the most amusing. Playing the titular singer in Ma Rainey's Black Bottom, it's clear she's having blast. When she's onscreen, Davis owns every single inch of it. She doesn't just drink a bottle of Coke, she guzzles the whole thing with gusto and verve, serving notice that this is going to be the most entertaining consumption of soda you've ever seen. And so it is with the rest of the performance. (Though the lip-synching is not particularly believable; but then again, that didn't hurt Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody.) It will be interesting to see what happens on Oscar night. She's been up and down in the predictions. She was down after losing the Golden Globe (it's taken us until now to realize the Globes are a waste of time??), but rebounded strongly with a Screen Actors Guild win. She is universally adored, but she's also won an Oscar already for Fences, so voters may not feel quite as compelled to give it to her overall.
And we haven't even talked about Frances McDormand in Nomadland yet. Early on, this category seemed like a sprint between McDormand and Davis. But when neither won the Golden Globe or Critics' Choice, it became anybody's race. As we near the end of the contest, McDormand has pretty clearly fallen toward the back. I don't think it's her performance; instead, she's been discounted due to her own victorious history. She's already got two Oscars (in 1997 for Fargo and 2018 for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri); a third one would require extraordinary circumstances. By comparison, it took Meryl Streep 29 years (and a lot of Ls) after her second to get her third. But if McDormand hadn't just won for Three Billboards three years ago, I think she'd be a lock here; Nomadland may even be a superior performance. She's probably the only actor alive that could pull this off; if she gave up acting, this is how I assume she would be living in real life. It's remarkable how she internalizes everything, yet informs the viewer how she's feeling and what she's thinking with very few words, just her physicality. This project seems particularly challenging. Her character doesn't have the answers; she's searching, but she doesn't even know what for. "I'm not homeless. I'm just house-less. Not the same thing, right?" It's as if she's posing the question to herself, and she really doesn't know. She gets lonelier as the journey goes on, a sort-of self-imposed isolation, and the viewer really feels it. (What does she ultimately find? Well, that's one of the frustrating ambiguities of the film. Don't get me started.) No matter what happens in this category, what McDormand will find is Oscar gold: She's a producer on Nomadland, so she's a strong bet to walk away with a Best Picture statuette.
Saying Vanessa Kirby is the best thing in Pieces Of A Woman is a bit of a backhanded compliment. My distaste for the film was made pretty clear in the Best Picture section, and anybody acting opposite Shia LaBeouf is going to look like Streep. But Kirby is legitimately great, and I think a welcome surprise to those who know her from the Mission: Impossible and Fast & Furious franchises. (And how many fans of The Crown thought Kirby would beat Claire Foy to an Oscar nomination? Don't lie.) Kirby makes the most of her role as an unpleasant person in an unpleasant situation enduring a barrage of unpleasant events surrounded by really unpleasant people. (An infant tragedy is the least of their problems.) But ultimately the film fails her, and unfortunately I don't really believe what any character is doing in this movie. Her nomination has been bolstered by a whopper of an opening scene: a 24-minute single-shot of a childbirth that ends horrifically. But I can't help but feel like the shot comes off as gimmicky; the immediacy of the scene was effective, but the filmmakers seemed to choose stylistic camera movement and choreography over intimacy and realness. The scene may be emotionally truthful, but hoo-eey, Kirby is dialed up. (My personal favorite ridiculous scene? When she's on the subway, wistfully watching children giggling pleasantly and behaving like angels. Ahhh, seems so blissful. Have you ever taken kids on public transportation? They would be fighting, screaming, climbing over the seats, kicking her, throwing goldfish everywhere, getting yelled at by the parents, bumping into passengers, licking the handrails, wiping snot on seats, and saying inappropriate things to strangers. That's parenthood.)
When the movie gods decided to create a remake that would be the exact opposite of what I would like, they conjured up Emma.. (That's "Emma.", with a period at the end of the title. Seriously. It's a "period" piece. Get it?) Anya Taylor-Joy is undoubtedly talented, but she's a letdown as the fabled matchmaker. She also believes that she can bleed on cue. With regard to her climactic scene: "I was in the moment enough that my nose really started bleeding." Wow. No words. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but her performance actually makes me miss Gwyneth.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
SHOULD WIN: LaKeith Stanfield (Judas And The Black Messiah) WILL WIN: Daniel Kaluuya (Judas And The Black Messiah) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Shia LaBeouf (Pieces Of A Woman) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Glynn Turman (Ma Rainey's Black Bottom)
Can you have a movie with two main characters but no leading actors? If you're wondering why the two stars (and title characters) of Judas And The Black Messiah -- LaKeith Stanfieldand Daniel Kaluuya -- are both competing in the Supporting Actor category, congratulations, you're a human on planet Earth. That's Oscar politics for you, and it's nothing new. They are both unquestionably leads; nevertheless, the shift to Supporting has worked out well for both of them. The assumption was that Stanfield would campaign in the Lead category and Kaluuya in Supporting so as not to cannibalize each other's votes, and to have Kaluuya (the stronger awards bet) compete in the less crowded category. (It's been clear for half a year that Chadwick Boseman would be winning Best Actor.) Stanfield was considered an unrealistic shot to crack the nominees anyway (he was probably 8th for Best Actor, behind Delroy Lindo (Da 5 Bloods) and Tahar Rahim (The Mauritanian)). So when the nominations were read, it was a pleasant shock that he had been slotted in the Supporting Actor category. (And wouldn't you rather have him here than Jared Leto?)
But won't they split the vote, resulting in the very problem they were trying to avoid in the first place? As it turns out, no. Judging from other major awards, voters had made up their minds for Kaluuya long ago, so any votes to support this film will likely go to Kaluuya. It's not hard to see why: As Black Panther leader Fred Hampton, he's dynamic, steely, and charismatic. It's very different -- more confident, self-assured and domineering -- than we've seen him in other roles, like Get Out. (This movie is a like a mini-reunion of Get Out. Dang, now I want a sequel to Get Out.) But I'll be the dissenter, and cast my personal vote for Stanfield. I'm conflicted; they're a close 1-2. But for me, Stanfield's role (as an FBI informant infiltrating the Panthers) has more facets to play, and Stanfield's signature tenderness brings me into the character more. Plus, he also has the bigger challenge: he has to play the Judas (a role he initially didn't want). Like another character actually says to Stanfield in the movie: "This guy deserves an Academy Award."
Leslie Odom Jr.'s quest for an EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) has hit a speed bump. Already armed with a G and a T, he was the presumptive favorite heading into the Golden Globes to collect more hardware, for playing singer Sam Cooke in One Night In Miami. But that was before anybody had seen Judas And The Black Messiah. As the lone acting nominee for Miami, he's got a lot of support from anyone looking to honor the film and its stellar cast. And as the singer, he gets to show off his lustrous Hamilton-honed pipes several times. In many ways, he's the most relatable character in Miami, the one that (despite Cooke's fame at the time) seems the most mortal. So though he'll lose Best Supporting Actor, fear not: He's the favorite to win Best Song, and keep the EGOT dream alive. (Unless… 12-time nominee Diane Warren finally gets the sympathy vote for her song for the little-seen The Life Ahead. Wait, you mean she didn't win for Mannequin's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now"??)
Paul Raci is a fascinating nominee, for Sound of Metal. He was virtually unknown before this movie (best known as Eugene the Animal Control Guy on Parks And Recreation), but his background is intriguing. He's a Vietnam vet who started as a small theater actor in Chicago (he has a Jeff nomination!). With his upbringing as a hearing CODA (Child Of Deaf Adult), he's a frequent player in ASL theater and is the lead singer in an ASL metal band. (Am I the only one who was gotten CODA confused with ACOD (Adult Child Of Divorce)? Is there such a thing as ACODDA (Adult Child Of Deaf Divorced Adults)?) And in the understated role of Joe, who runs a facility for deaf people and serves as a guide for Riz Ahmed's character, he's fantastic. It literally seems like he's been preparing his whole life for the role, and it pays off. (Though upon further examination of his character… Joe seems like a benevolent, trustworthy guy with altruistic motivations, with a shelter focused on mental healing, addiction recovery, and self-sufficiency. But he also appears to foster an environment that isolates its members, severs contact with all loved ones, preys on those who are unstable to begin with, and convinces members that they will struggle if they leave the community. Ultimately Joe runs every aspect of members' lives, and in return expects unwavering devotion and complete submission to his methods. As soon as Ruben says one thing to challenge him, Joe accuses him of sounding like an addict, knowing it will trigger shame and self-doubt, in a clear effort to control his actions. Joe even slyly suggests that he personally knows how to reach heaven, "the kingdom of God". Is there a chance Joe is actually running a cult??)
They may have just picked a name out of a hat to see which member of The Trial Of The Chicago 7 ensemble would get an Oscar nomination (now these are all supporting actors), but however it happened, nomination day was a good day for Sacha Baron Cohen. (He also got a writing nod for Borat 2.) He is effective in the movie -- maybe the best of the bunch -- and it's a (slightly surprising) affirmation that he's a good actor in addition to being a talented performer. Is his performance actually worthy of an Oscar nomination? I'm fairly impressed (except for his I-love-you-too-man scene with the inert Eddie Redmayne, which plays cheap… but you can probably pin that one on Aaron Sorkin). But there are several other people I would have nominated over Cohen. For starters, my snubbed pick, Glynn Turman, is exceptional as a musician holding his own against Chadwick Boseman in Ma Rainey's Black Bottom. (It seems like just yesterday he was the colonel on A Different World, one of his 150+ acting credits.) Honorable mentions include 7-year-old Alan Kim (Minari), Clarke Peters (Da 5 Bloods), Charles Dance (Mank), and Arliss Howard (Mank).
Wow. Shia LaBeouf is not the only repellant part of Pieces Of A Woman, but he's probably the most repellant part. I'm sorry, but anything he does, or is involved in, instantly becomes less believable. At one point he seems to be trying to creepily make out with his wife… while she's actively pushing in labor. Then later, in a distressing "love" scene, he looks like someone who has never had consensual sex with a partner before; I know the film is going for emotional rawness, but it just looks like assault. Bottom line, I have no idea what he's doing in this movie. (And I guess I don't care what he's doing, as long as it's not another Indiana Jones movie.)
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
SHOULD WIN: Yuh-jung Youn (Minari) WILL WIN: Yuh-jung Youn (Minari) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Nicole Kidman (The Prom) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Ellen Burstyn (Pieces Of A Woman)
Oh, sweet revenge. Don't you just love a rematch? It was just two short years ago when Olivia Colman, in a flabbergasting upset, tearfully apologized to presumptive victor Glenn Close in her acceptance speech. (…Or did she condescendingly mock her? We can't be sure about anything in that speech.) Now they are both nominated again -- Colman for The Father, Close for Hillbilly Elegy -- and the bad blood between them couldn't be boiling hotter. Since there are no nominee lunches or in-person media parades this year, I'm assuming they drunk-Zoom each other at all hours and call one another every cruel British and American curse word in the book. Colman even reportedly tweeted, "Glenn, this will be your Hillbilly Elegy: You never won a dang Oscar." Nasty stuff, but nothing unusual during campaign season. Colman is facing a tough challenge (besides playing a woman whose father is in the grips dementia). Voters will be hard-pressed to hand her a victory again so soon (and without any losses). Additionally, she didn't even get nominated for a BAFTA award -- the British Oscar-equivalent -- on her home turf (and they nominate six actors in each category). (But, she would be quick to point out, Close didn't either.) All the talk around The Father is about Anthony Hopkins. Colman is facing extremely long odds.
Which seems to perfectly set up Close to swoop in for the kill. Six months ago, on paper this seemed like a slam dunk. The word was that Hillbilly Elegy featured two of the losing-est actors (Close and Amy Adams) in transformative roles in a heart-wrenching adaptation of a successful book. It was going to exorcise the demons for both of them. Then the movie debuted. And the response was lukewarm. But then the response to the response was harsh. People hated the movie, hated the performances, and hated the participants for shilling shameless Oscar bait. (If you think there's a different kind of Oscar bait, I'm afraid you haven't been paying attention.) The film was weirdly derided as political, and faced a sort of anti-Trump backlash (which I don't understand, considering the movie takes place in the 1990s and early 2010s, when Trump was just known for being an inept USFL football owner and a silly reality-TV host). Entertainment Weekly actually used these words in a single sentence to describe the film: "ham-handed", "smug", "Appalachian poverty porn", and "moralizing soap opera". (I guess people felt about this film the way I felt about A Star Is Born.) And no, the movie is not great; it fades soon after the credits roll. But Close is compelling; at the very least, she's working her tail off. (If you think she's just hamming it up in drag, stay tuned for the end-credits images of the real Mamaw. It's uncanny.) I think the voters really want her to win (but I thought the same thing two years ago). The question is: Do they want her to win for this movie? The answer increasingly seems to be No. The general feeling (which I agree with) is that the role feels a little lacking, and below Close's other lauded performances. People realize that if she wins, it may get dismissed as being a flimsy career-achievement award, which would tarnish it.
So, which one will claim victory this time, leaving the other groveling at her feet, Colman or Close? Neither, it turns out. In a shocking turn of events, Yuh-jung Youn has emerged as a favorite over both of them. (Fortunately, she's blocked Colman and Close on Zoom.) Calling Youn the heart of Minari would be trite. She is, but she's much more than that. She's the conduit for connection: to the children, between the parents, and to the audience. Before her arrival, it feels like there's something missing. (The young son has a heart condition, is constantly chugging Mountain Dew, and is hiding his wet underpants. And the dad thinks he doesn't need a babysitter?) It's when Youn enters the film that the film excels, and we start to feel like part of the family. She also challenges our (and her grandson's) ideas of what a grandmother is (including possibly having magical healing superpowers). A lot of people are looking for a way to reward this film, and this category is its best chance. Heck, even if voters only hear Youn's one line of English dialogue ("Ding-dong broken!" -- referring to her grandson's wiener), that could be enough to win.
Maybe the most curious nomination is for Maria Bakalova, starring in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm as the notorious Kazakh's daughter. A lot of things in the past year would have been impossible to predict, but an unknown Bulgarian actress stealing the spotlight and getting an Oscar nomination for a surprise-release Borat sequel would have to be near the top. And she's actually the only one in this category who's managed to score a nomination from every major organization. She won't win, but her performance (and memes) may live on the longest.
I must be missing something in Mank. (Granted, I haven't watched it the requisite four times in order to truly appreciate it, according to the Fincherists.) But I just don't understand what the fuss is about with Amanda Seyfried. She certainly plays her part well (as Marion Davies, the illicit love interest of William Randolph Hearst and the platonic love interest of Herman Mankiewicz), but I don't see how she elevates it or brings anything extraordinary to it. Her character plays a pivotal role in Citizen Kane (Davies was the inspiration for Kane's second wife), and I presume she's supposed to play a pivotal role in Mank's literary epiphany, but I fail to understand why. (Or maybe I failed to understand her Brooklyn accent.) But more than that, her narrative thread seems distressingly incomplete. She appears to be set up for a meaty final scene, but then her character simply exits, leaving Mankiewicz (and me) baffled. I've been more impressed by her work in other movies, like First Reformed. Of course, perhaps the most significant implication of Seyfried's nomination: Two of the Plastics now have Oscar nominations. (Gretchen, stop trying to make an Oscar nomination happen. It's not going to happen!)
Just in case there was any confusion, 88-year-old Ellen Burstyn is here to let us know she can still bring the thunder. Pieces Of A Woman is a mess, and her character is dubious, but she gets one powerhouse speech to shine and (somewhat) anchor the movie -- a declaration of strength, resilience, and survival. And she delivers a two-handed, rim-hanging, backboard-shattering jam. Oh, right, there's the woman who scored an Oscar, plus four other nominations, in a 9-year span in the 1970s. And who's been an Emmy fixture the past 15 years. And who has four more movies already in the works. Just another not-so-gentle reminder that she's one of the great actors of her generation. (Honorable Mentions go to The United States Vs. Billie Holiday's Da'Vine Joy Randolph, who continues her scene-stealing ways after Office Christmas Party and Dolemite Is My Name; and Dominique Fishback, whose performance adds emotional heft to Judas And The Black Messiah.)
BEST DIRECTOR:
SHOULD WIN: ChloĂŠ Zhao (Nomadland) WILL WIN: ChloĂŠ Zhao (Nomadland) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Ryan Murphy (The Prom) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Christopher Nolan (Tenet)
The second-most-certain thing this year is Chloé Zhao winning Best Director for Nomadland. She's dominated the narrative and the awards circuit this year; nobody else is close. In fact, she might win four Oscars, which would be a record for one person with a single film. (In 1954, Walt Disney was a quadruple winner for four different movies… but do short films really count?) Odds are that she'll win three, but if she wins Best Editing early in the night, the record will be hers. Historically joined at the hip, Best Director and Best Picture have surprisingly been split between different movies several times in recent years. The voters will align them this year, but I'm going to malign them. (Disalign? Unalign? Who am I kidding, I will malign them too.) As tepid as I am on Nomadland for Picture, Zhao is my Director choice. She is clearly a masterful artist and impressionistic storyteller. But more than that, she's able to conjure a mood and state of mind with her pseudo-documentary hybrid style. She gets us to feel what the character is feeling and put us right in the environment -- and makes it seem effortless. The film's long, languid takes allow us to breathe the air, drink in the scene, and live in the moment, unhurried. Zhao augments the nomadic quality of the film in every shot. But (oh, you knew there was a 'but'), on the down side, I also find the style to be a bit tedious and overdrawn at times. Because of my lack of investment, the film often struggles to keep my attention, or more accurately, my curiosity. And despite the film being touted as a tale of community and interconnectedness, it mostly suggests to me (via the main character) feelings of pain, loneliness, coldness, and sadness. But ultimately, I think those things speak more to the story than the directing. This will doubtless be a crowning a achievement for Zhao, but I'm more excited to see what the future will bring, and what she can do for a story that I'm invested in.
I was really close to picking Lee Isaac Chung for my Should Win, for his rich, captivating film, Minari. (Really close. You, the fortunate, insulated reader, will never truly know how much I agonize over this. Some suffer for art, I suffer for unsolicited criticism.) Honestly, I was tempted to give Chung a clean sweep of Picture, Director, and Screenplay; but instead I've opted to spread them around (I can play Academy politics all by myself). So many of the qualities of Zhao's film are present in Chung's film as well; his toolbox is just as full and varied. His quiet, atmospheric shots are unburdened by haste yet always nudging the story ahead. Chung draws us in, as another member of the Yi family, our hopes rising and falling with each challenge and trifle (and sexed chick) they face. There's a real confidence in his style; he knows how to best engage the audience for the specific journey. For me though, what I appreciate most is the warmth of his filmmaking; while the story has tribulations, the film itself is compassionate, never harsh or aggressive. That stands in stark contrast to Nomadland; the palette is one of the main things that sets them apart. Chung also scored points by showcasing the best accessory on the virtual Golden Globes telecast: a ridiculously adorable child. (Was that his own kid, or a rental? Only his publicist knows for sure.) Careful, I might accidentally talk myself into flipping my pick to Chung.
This was supposed to be his year. Goddammit, this was supposed to be his year! That was the sentiment from cinephiles all over the internet this year. Throw a rock in any direction and you'll hit a podcaster (and possibly me) ranting about how David Fincher was robbed in 2011 when he lost Best Director for The Social Network to Tom Hooper and The King's Speech. (Was the Academy justified? Since then, Fincher landed a third Oscar nomination, fourth Golden Globe nomination, and two Emmy wins; Hooper directed Cats.) In early winter, the pieces seemed to be lining up for a Fincher victory with Mank: a big, mainstream, Hollywood-y underdog story; an ode to the most revered film of all time, Citizen Kane; a scenery-chewing performance from beloved thesp Gary Oldman; a film that was more accessible (read: less weird and violent) than most of his other fare; and a passion project that he had been developing for decades, written by his late father. The only question was not whether the film could win all the Oscars, but whether it could cure pediatric cancer or pilot a rocket to Jupiter. But that was 2020… and we all know how that year went. Maybe it's the fatigue caused by the prolonged award campaign season, maybe it's the lack of theaters that would have showcased his visual marvel, or maybe it's the fact that the film didn't quiiiiiiite live up to the hype, but one thing is clear: Fincher is out of the race. I'll say what a lot of the other film snobs won't: This is probably not the film we want Fincher to win for anyway. We want him to win for something sharper, weirder, more incisive, and more upsetting; in short, something more Fincher-ish. Mank is fantastic, to be sure; and in (mostly) pulling it off, Fincher demonstrates his mastery of historical and contemporary cinema. But the hiccups are puzzling. The film is structured like Citizen Kane itself, which makes it at times equally difficult to engage in; but while Kane's flashbacks feel natural, a handful of Mank's feel shoehorned. The dialogue is in the style -- but not the pace -- of hard-boiled 1940s films, which alone is a recipe for difficult viewing; further peppering every retort with unnatural irony makes for wit but not necessarily comprehension. The Kane-esque echo effect doesn't help; neither do subtitles. (I tried.) While it turns out that it's not supposed to be his Oscar year after all, I commend Fincher on an effort like this -- the singular vision, the vigor, the risk -- even when I don't necessarily love the movie or connect with it. We need his art, we need his beautiful mess. (But next time maybe throw in a grisly murder, perverted romance, or crippling heartbreak… and acquire a charming child for the awards telecast.)
Emerald Fennell impressively scored a nomination for her first feature film, Promising Young Woman, an inventive genre-mashup of a Rape Revenge movie -- a new spin on a 1970s grindhouse staple. Like a lot of people, I don't quite know what to make of the movie (I don't think I've ever actually seen a Rape Revenge movie… though I've seen plenty of Dognapping Revenge movies). It's a film that could go badly a thousand different ways, but Fennell makes choices that keep it fresh and thoroughly watchable. The primary word that comes to mind is 'subversive'. From the candy coloring to the pop music to the meet-cute to the campy suspense, she toys with convention at every turn (in some cases more effectively than others). Even the support casting -- the kooky, on-the-nose (or 180-flipped) cameos spice up the movie, but also tend to undermine it and give it a B-movie vibe. (Do we really need Jennifer Coolidge and Max Greenfield doing what they do best, but not as well as they usually do it? Probably not. Do they make me chuckle? Yes.) The result is an oddly entertaining movie on a subject that is anything but. The patina of playfulness is helpful; if it was an avalanche of distressing, horrifying scenes, it could be a tortuous watch. All in all, it might be the most enjoyable Rape Revenge movie you'll ever see.
Perhaps the biggest surprise nominee in any category is Thomas Vinterberg, for the Danish film Another Round. (The lion's share of the Oscar buzz had been for star Mads Mikkelsen; the film is also up for Best International film.) This movie is in the grand tradition of celebrating alcohol because excessive drinking is awesome. And the Academy has recognized Vinterberg because he has so astutely captured how booze is a tasty balm for every wound -- an ancient and failsafe key to enlightenment and inner peace. Wait, what's that? I'm sorry… I'm being told that this movie is actually a cautionary tale. Hmmm. I guess I should have watched it sober. In light of that, I suppose the film is an interesting examination of middle-aged ennui and the tendency to overlook that which is right in front of you. (Anyone that has gotten this far in the article knows exactly what ennui is, and should have overlooked what was right in front of them.) It's also an unintentionally apt allegory for pandemic life: When it started, we began drinking a bit at home, enjoying Zoom happy hours, and generally having a good time; pretty soon we were day-drinking out of sheer boredom, trying to teach our home-schooled kids long division while buzzed, and it got very sad and depressing; now we're all pretty much ready to jump off the pier. In general, I like the film (though I prefer my mid-life drinking crises more in the mold of Old School), but the story and arc are fairly telegraphed. You mean their problems can't be fixed by increased alcohol consumption? The more you drink, the harder it is to control? Drinking at work as a teacher around minors might go awry? Instead of booze, have they tried rest, exercise, healthy eating, or appreciating the good things in their lives? (Who I am kidding, those are a waste of time.) Ultimately, there are several directors I would have chosen over Vinterberg (Christopher Nolan for Tenet, George C. Wolfe for Ma Rainey's Black Bottom, and Florian Zeller for The Father come to mind), but it's interesting to see the continuing trend of nominating non-American filmmakers in this category, as the Directors' branch of the Academy becomes increasingly international.
I want to talk about the ending of Another Round for a moment. If you didn't see the movie (and I'm betting you didn't), just skip this paragraph. Most of the reviews I've read online interpret the ending as a hopeful, happy one. I think that's crazy. The ending is a Trojan horse. It looks joyful, but just underneath lies tragedy: The trio resume drinking after they've seemingly hit rock bottom and lost their best friend to booze; they believe they're in control and having a good time when really they're spiraling into chaos; they think they've found a balance, when they're actually sliding endlessly further into alcoholism. They don't realize that they cannot enjoy life sober. I think one of the reasons why I like the movie so much is that it masks that ending as a "happy" one, much the way a drinker would see it when they don't realize there's a problem. The ending is denial. A lot of people have seen the final scene as uplifting and life-affirming (even Vinterberg seems to say this in interviews, which is puzzling), that the friends have come to terms with their drinking, and have found a way to drink in moderation and still invigorate their lives and celebrate the small things. I don't understand that take at all. I would buy it if they had found a way to celebrate life while sober. Instead, I think it's the surest sign that they are destroying their lives, because they don't even realize it's happening. It's the 'darkest timeline'. They ask themselves the wrong question, "What would Tommy do?", instead of "What would Tommy want us to do?", and we know exactly what Tommy would do because we see him drink himself to death. Martin has gotten a reconciliatory text from his wife, but just as he's about to go to her, he instead joins the party, quickly gets plastered, and literally goes off the deep end. What's truly heartbreaking is seeing that they've (gleefully and unknowingly) perpetuated the cycle, having encouraged the next generation to drink in order to cope and be "awakened to life". I think there are hints in the final song lyrics ("What a Life") and the movie's poster (the image of Mikkelsen recklessly chugging champagne in a blurry stupor is from the final scene). To me, the seemingly exuberant ending is a fallacy… and utterly tragic.
In a surprise move that everyone saw coming, I'm naming Christopher Nolan as my Snubbed choice, for his twisty, backwards-y spectacle, Tenet. Did I understand the movie? Of course. Oh, you didn't? Dummy.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
SHOULD WIN: Derek Cianfrance, Abraham Marder, Darius Marder (Sound Of Metal) WILL WIN: Emerald Fennell (Promising Young Woman) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Aaron Abrams, Brendan Gall (The Lovebirds) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Sam Levinson (Malcolm And Marie)
Did his name have to be Ryan? No, that wasn't my biggest takeaway from the script for Emerald Fennell's Promising Young Woman. But it was a big one. As Carey Mulligan's chances fade a bit, Screenplay is the movie's strongest chance to strike gold, making a strong run in the precursory awards. The ending of the film has been pretty divisive, but I like that it's completely unexpected. Maybe it's contrived, but it's what makes the movie memorable for me, and separates it from other revenge thrillers. Or maybe it's inevitable, given the themes of the movie and the character pursuing her mission past the point of no return. Either way, did his name have to be Ryan? Unless Fennell's role (she's an actress, too) as Camilla Parker Bowles on The Crown accidentally embroils her in recent royal family controversies, she should be collecting this award on Oscar night.
Most of the praise for Sound Of Metal has been specifically for its sound design. But it starts with the script (written by director Darius Marder, along with Derek Cianfrance and Abraham Marder), which is the blueprint for the sound and experience of the movie. And it's my pick (by a hair) for best screenplay of the year. It has -- hey, whaddya know! -- an actual narrative, with a main character who has an objective and opposition. It's always impressive to me when a story has very little I can directly relate to, but it still manages to resonate, and strikes a tone that feels real. I also appreciate the skill in the writing -- it's minimalistic, yet thorough in the ways that matter. The film doesn't explain a lot or give us much exposition -- it doesn't lean on voice-over, window characters, or monologues. It's quiet. Which may seem obvious considering it's about a man losing his hearing, but even the man himself and the real world he lives in have a muted vibe (despite his mind being anything but calm). The film has also been lauded for its authentic portrayal of deaf people… but not for its authentic portrayal of audiologists. (I mean, how bad is Ruben's audiologist consultation, that he is in no way prepared for how things would sound after getting cochlear implants? I get more information from my dentist when getting a cavity filled.) Also: What does metal sound like? I still don't know.
Aaron Sorkin would seem like the obvious pick here, for The Trial Of The Chicago 7. It's the kind of sonorous, social-consciousness word-porn we've come to love and expect from him. But he's already got an Oscar (though most people assume he has three), and the fight-the-system theme isn't exactly unique to his script this year. Not surprisingly, the movie feels like a mash-up of The West Wing and A Few Good Men, complete with humorous exchanges of smug cleverness, heart-warming declarations of overly-simplified principle, and his own trademark Sorkin-esque version of facts. Sure, the story of the Chicago 7 is intriguing, but would I rather watch a movie about a Chicago 7-Eleven? It's tempting…
I've previously talked about the reasons I appreciated Minari so much (written by director Lee Isaac Chung). A lot of the sweetness of the film is present in the screenplay. He cleverly tells much of the story through the eyes of a 7-year-old boy, so it's told less fact-by-fact, and more through the filter of a child's memory. (Chung based the screenplay somewhat on his own experiences growing up.) Charming as it is, I can't help but view it through the filter of a parent's anxiety: 1) Is moving across the country to live in a small town where you don't know anyone, living in a trailer, and starting a farm with zero experience the best way to solve marital problems? 2) One of the main promotional photos for the movie is a of the little boy holding a stick. Am I crazy, or is that the same stick that the father was going to use to beat the boy when he disobeyed? Did the marketing person keep their job after that? 3) The friend's deadbeat dad leaves the kids alone overnight, presumably out carousing and drinking, then shows up at breakfast hammered, saying, "Tell your mom I was here all night." How many times can you get away with that? 4) When the boy cuts his foot, is it bad that I did not think of the wound or his safety, but about the blood getting on the carpet? 5) Why aren't these kids in school??
Perhaps the script (and movie) with the biggest head of steam coming into awards night is Judas And The Black Messiah, a late entry that has been picking up acolytes left and right. The film has been lauded for its approach to the story of Black Panther leader Fred Hampton -- by telling it as a gritty, 70s-style, cat-and-mouse thriller, from the perspective of the FBI informant sent to help stop him. Director Shaka King (who wrote the script with Will Berson, based on ideas from the Lucas Brothers) has said that structure, instead of a more traditional biopic style, helped get it made by a studio. Despite the inevitability of the ending, the dramatic conflict and ferocity of the performances make for a satisfyingly tense ride.
This is going to come back to bite me, but my snubbed pick is Malcolm And Marie (or, as it should have been called, Things You Shouldn't Say To Your Girlfriend At 2 AM When You're Drunk And She's In A Bad Mood). It's like a really long Bad Idea Jeans commercial. Now, I'm not necessarily recommending this movie. You should know that most critics and regular people hate it. It's two hours of a couple arguing. It's a rough ride. It's indulgent, overwrought, and well, chock-full of mental and emotional abuse. But (stay with me here), if you can get past all that, those elements have a purpose, and there is a point to the film. I think the key is that it's not intended to be literal. It's allegorical for how we talk to ourselves -- the internal conflict we have, when we wrestle with ideas that are hard to reconcile. It's also lyrical; there's an elegance in how the characters spew eloquent vitriol at each other and rhapsodize (okay, rant) about some opinions that seem dead-on and others that seem wildly inaccurate. In some ways, the words seem like the most important thing; but in other ways, I think the movie could work as a silent film. (Either way, it's inventive: It was the first major film to shoot completely during the pandemic, so it takes place in a single home, with 2 actors, in more-or-less real time.) Writer/director Sam Levinson poses interesting questions about storytelling and authorship: Sure, write what you know; but also, and maybe more interestingly, try to write (and learn) about what you don't know. (Case in point: I don’t really have any experience or expertise about the Oscars, yet here I am.) Levinson has gotten a lot of criticism for what appears to be his point of view. I think that's fair, but I also disagree. I believe it's a bit of a misdirection. I think he believes in both sides of the argument; he's been the irrational, emotional one, and the cool, calculating one. The characters are halves to a whole. There's also the frustration with how the couple end up. The film is ambiguous, but audiences seem to think they stay together. I think the girlfriend actually decides before the movie starts that she's leaving him, and this is their breakup. That's why she lets him say all the horrible things he does, because she knows he has to get it out -- it affirms what she already knows, and reinforces her decision. Did I sell you on the movie yet? No? Well, how about this: It's the best autobiographical movie that Burton and Taylor never made.
As an honorable mention, it would have been a nice story had Mank been nominated here, as it was written by David Fincher's father, Jack Fincher, over two decades ago. The elder Fincher was a life-long newspaper man, who had an affinity for 1930s/1940s cinema, a strong knowledge of Herman Mankiewicz, and a fascination with a famously-dissenting Pauline Kael article that disparaged Orson Welles's contributions to the Citizen Kane screenplay. David Fincher had hoped to get his passion project off the ground in the 90s, but hasn't been able to until now. A nomination would have been a touching tribute to his father, who died in 2003. (Another interesting connection: John Mankiewicz, Herman Mankiewicz's grandson, was an executive producer on David Fincher's House Of Cards.) Despite my frustrations with the overall movie, the script is slick, and analyzes some intriguing inside-the-snowglobe aspects of Citizen Kane. It's a crackling, showy piece that jauntily goes out of its way to flaunt its writerliness. (For you keen-eyed writers out there, you'll notice I just made up the word 'writerliness'.) It doesn’t necessarily require you to believe that Citizen Kane is the greatest film ever made, but a healthy sense of awe doesn’t hurt. (It also helps to have a working knowledge of the film's lore, pre-WWII Hollywood, and 1930s -- or some would say, 2020s -- California politics.) The script simultaneously adores and gives a middle finger to Hollywood. Isn’t that what art is supposed to do? (That's not a rhetorical question. I'm actually asking if art is supposed to do that. Because I don't know.)
I've picked The Lovebirds as my Gloriously Omitted choice, not because it's a bad movie, but because it's a missed opportunity. It should have been amazing. The premise, the trailer, the choice of leads, and the chemistry are all fantastic, and set lofty expectations. But the movie itself is just… underwhelming. Maybe hopes were too high, but it's not as clever, tight, or funny as I wanted it to be. The problem isn't the actors -- Issa Rae truly holds the screen, and Kumail Nanjiani is naturally funny (though his character doesn't stray far from previous ones). I think it's the script (from Aaron Abrams and Brendan Gall), which feels rushed and half-baked, like a collection of sketch ideas. It's as if the screenplay left chunks blank, with a note saying, "The actors will figure out something funny on set." For these actors, I'd rather see a taut thriller story, and let them imbue it with humor and humanity. Or better yet, let Rae and Nanjiani write it themselves next time.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
SHOULD WIN: Christopher Hampton, Florian Zeller (The Father) WILL WIN: ChloĂŠ Zhao (Nomadland) GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Jane Goldman, Joe Shrapnel, Anna Waterhouse (Rebecca) INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Ruben Santiago-Hudson (Ma Rainey's Black Bottom)
Adapted Screenplay is going to get swept up in the Nomadland tidal wave on Oscar night, but to me it's probably the film's weakest element. I've talked about my lack of connection to the story. I understand the opinion that it's resonant, but is it revelatory? I can certainly see how it would strike a stronger chord during the pandemic, when we are all isolated; it makes the main character's loneliness feel more real. We've all been living in Nomadland, and whether it's David Strathairn shattering our favorite plates, or our kids shattering our iPad, we're just about at wit's end. But Chloé Zhao's script also plays up the theme of community and interconnectedness, and I didn't really feel that. The main character seems to be closing herself off from connection (though the ending suggests a change that we never actually get to see). A red flag is a movie description that says, "It asks more questions than it answers." Ugh, that's tough. For me, narrative is king. I understand that the movie is literally about a drifter with no plan, and the structure of the film is supposed to make you feel unmoored, but a little plot direction would be nice. Then there's the emotional climax, when Bob the Nomad Guru comes to the rescue to explain the whole theme. He tells Frances McDormand (but really, us) that he gets through grief by helping other people: "For a long time, every day was, How can I be alive on this earth when he’s not? And I didn’t have an answer. But I realized I could honor him by serving people. It gives me a reason to go through the day. Some days that's all I've got." Hmmm, where I have I seen that exact sentiment expressed before? Oh yeah, an award-winning short film called Through The Trees. (Available now, for free on YouTube.)
Dementia Mystery Thriller… is that a movie genre? Well, it might be, after success of The Father (written by Christopher Hampton and Florian Zeller, adapted from Zeller's Tony-winning play). "Exciting" is hardly the word I would use to describe the horrible crumbling of the mind that is dementia, but in this movie, it weirdly fits. The film has a way of presenting the disorder in a unique manner, that goes a long way in conveying the helplessness and frustration of the victim. With copycat movies inevitable, I can almost see Christopher Nolan's version now: Demento, where a mumbling Tom Hardy (unrecognizable under heavy old-man makeup) kills his caregiver twice because he can't remember if he already killed her… or her identical twin. The big twist comes when he discovers whether he killed them in the past, or in the future, or if he's remembering the memory of someone else who killed them. The scenes of the movie play in a different random order every time, and the only score is the constant deafening sound of the old man's heartbeat. Marion Cotillard plays the twins -- apparently the only females in the universe -- using whatever accent she feels like, because she has limited, unrealistic dialogue, and has no compelling story or agency, or any useful traits for an actress whatsoever. Hardy's son may or may not be a British crime lord or an undercover MI6 agent, played by Michael Caine (digitally de-aged to look the age that Hardy actually is). An emaciated Christian Bale, who manages to lose 3 inches of height for the role, makes a cameo as Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Revolutionary practical effects include a life-size recreation of Westminster Abbey inside a zero-gravity chamber, for one massively-complicated but forgettable 5-second shot. It will only cost $723 million, and will go straight to HBO Max. I will name it the best film of 2022.
I may be picking The Father, but I'm rooting for The White Tiger, written and directed by Ramin Bahrani. Set in India in the recent past, it's a striking, chilling tale of what men may be willing to do (or forced to do) to escape poverty. Bahrani constructs a fiery examination of themes that never get old: power vs. agency, freedom vs. choice, complicity vs. culpability. His script uses a lot of devices that shouldn't work: excessive, expository voice-over; explicitly-stated metaphors; speaking directly to the audience; and on-the-nose correlations to current times. But the story and acting are strong enough to make these feel integral. Given the themes and foreign setting, it has the misfortune (or great fortune) of being an easy comparison to Parasite, last year's Oscar grand prize winner. But I find The White Tiger far more accessible and scrutable than Parasite (maybe partly due to the devices I mentioned). A win here would be a welcome surprise. By the way, Bahrani's first Oscar nomination is an interesting footnote to Hollywood lore: In the 2014 Roger Ebert documentary Life Itself, we learn that Ebert was given a legendary token by Laura Dern -- a puzzle that had been passed on from several film icons, with the understanding that each would pass it on to someone truly deserving. Dern had gotten it from revered acting teacher Lee Strasberg, and it originated when Alfred Hitchcock gave it to Marilyn Monroe years before. And now Ebert was giving it to Bahrani. 60 years of movie history, from Hitchcock to Bahrani, and into the future. (Good thing it's not at my house, we would have lost several pieces by now.)
Four of the most famous and popular men in the country walk into a bar… so shouldn't the patrons be freaking out more? One Night In Miami plays out a very intriguing hypothetical scenario: When Malcolm X, Muhammad Ali, Jim Brown, and Sam Cooke all met one night in 1964, what did they talk about? The compelling script (by Kemp Powers, based on his own play) and naturalistic direction (by Regina King) make for a highly enjoyable think-piece and character study. It's a daunting task, to say the least: Not only are they representing extremely visible and important figures, but two of the actors (Kingsley Ben-Adir as Malcolm X, Eli Goree as Ali) are reprising roles already played by Oscar-nominated performers (Denzel Washington, Will Smith) who may be more famous than the actual figures themselves. I guess my hang-up (besides the horrendous Johnny Carson impersonation) is, what are the stakes? Historically, we know the stakes for these four people, in the larger context of their lives and the civil rights movement. But in the film itself, in that single night, for these specific characterizations, what are the stakes? What are they each looking for that evening? I think the movie doesn't fully address this, structurally. Ultimately, due to their fame, we know where the characters' lives go from here -- how it "ends". While that makes it interesting culturally, it feels like it puts a ceiling on the movie in a way, like it's holding something back. With these outsized characters, plot-wise, I wanted a little bit more.
Released in October with almost no warning, Borat Subsequent Moviefilm either single-handedly swung the presidential election, or had no absolutely no impact whatsoever, depending on who you ask. It's a rare feat for an original movie and its sequel to both score Oscar nominations for screenplay; I can't think of another time it's ever happened for a comedy. The fact that it's even under consideration -- given its improvisational nature and whopping nine (nine!) screenwriters (I'm not going to name them all, I'm trying to keep this article brief) -- is fairly astonishing. Even more baffling still, it's been placed in the Adapted category instead of Original. (Pesky Academy rules: Any sequel is automatically defined as an adaptation of the original.) The movie itself is unfortunately a shell of the unrelentingly funny original (Sacha Baron Cohen looks more like a middle-aged man doing a mediocre Borat impression at this point). When the big night arrives, the film will either single-handedly swing the Oscar vote, or have absolutely no impact whatsoever, depending on who you ask.
One of the biggest surprises on nomination day was the exclusion of Ma Rainey's Black Bottom from Best Picture and Best Adapted Screenplay, assumed to be a lock in both categories. It was even thought to contend with Nomadland in this category (it would have gotten my vote, had they asked me). I think it was diminished by the perception of being a fairly straight recreation of August Wilson's play, which is a shame. The film version (written by Ruben Santiago-Hudson) makes wonderful use of the physical space, the confinement, the claustrophobia. And I'd say the movie feels more like an album than a play -- a collection of "songs" (monologues, exchanges, and actual songs), each with its own rhythm, beat, lyrics, and theme, but coming together as a cohesive piece. The composition is effective; it draws you in the way the best albums do, and challenges your brain to think one thing while your heart feels something else. (My only complaint is that I wanted more of Viola Davis and Chadwick Boseman together! Their personalities are electric, and their personas overtake the room. Their conflict is brief (it mostly flows over to conflicts with other characters), and I really wanted to see them alone, head-to-head and unbridled. I realize their distance is purposeful, and important thematically, but damn, it could have been a showdown for the ages. Just another reason to wonder… What might have been?)
The remake of Rebecca was written by a few people, including Joe Shrapnel, whose name may have been a bad harbinger for what was to become of this script. Keep it simple: Please leave Hitchcock alone.
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kendrixtermina ¡ 5 years ago
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Not sure if you're still doing the ship thing, but if you are, how about dorothea/petra (i forgot their ship name)
Most ppl seem to be referring to it as “doropetra”
Rate the Ship -  Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs - Defs one of the nicer options for both of them.Their support chain has them both bonding on how they’re inconvenient for the social order, do fun stuff with their hair, and offer each other a shoulder to cry on, actually has a good balance between plot, feelings and fun. Heck their paired ending is even explicitly romantic so they’re even canon insofar as anything is in a video game with multiple options. Though really Dorothea has such nice dynamics with all the Eagles both for friendship and romance purposes. 
How long will they last? - It would be the sort of relationship that really has a strong foundation because it’s built on friendship and respect, so I can easily see em being married for decades and chilling on an island as old ladies. 
How quickly did/will they fall in love? - It was definitely a friends-to-lovers slowburn
How was their first kiss? - Dorothea was having a bad day during the war. Petra hugged her to cheer her up. Since there were heightened emotions going on, things kind of escalated
Wedding:
Who proposed? - Dorothea
Who is the best man/men? - Linhardt
Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Bernadetta and Manuela. 
Who did the most planning? - I think they’d both do it together and have great fun doing it. they’d also probably have a bridgid-style ceremony. 
Who stressed the most? - Dorothea
How fancy was the ceremony? -Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.  
Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - No stuck-up fodlanese nobles (aside from the other Eagles)
Sex:
Who is on top? -  Petra
Who is the one to instigate things? - Dorothea
How healthy is their sex life? -Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now  (both of them definitely fuck)
How kinky are they? -Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head  -  
How long do they normally last? - I think they might be at it a good while
Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - yes
How rough are they in bed? -Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. - 
How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? -No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.  - All the hugs!
Children:
How many children will they have naturally? - Probably none, assuming Petra has some cousins etc. who could succeed her. Otherwise they might get one of their guy friends to volunteer as a gene donor. 
How many children will they adopt? - Petra winds up with a lot of kids in many of her endings that explicitly mention them, so I’m thinking 3-4. If we’re on SS then Dorothea would already have some war orphans adopted and would simply bring them with her, Petra becomes a great step-mama and can relate since she lost her own parents in a war. 
Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Dorothea
Who is the stricter parent? - Petra (But on the rare occasions that Dorothea is mad they all listen to her)
Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Dorothea
Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Dorothea (I can just see her ending up doing a lot of the domestic stuff/ being a fulltime parent while the kids are smol)
Who is the more loved parent? -  Dorothea
Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - Dorothea
Who cried the most at graduation? - Dorothea
Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Dorothea
Cooking:
Who does the most cooking? - Dorothea
Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Petra wouldn’t exactly be picky - but you know that thing where ppl who come from warmer countries just can’t be satisfied with the mushy imported mangoes or other fruit? My mom used to live in the Carribean and only a few years ago did she find anything she would term decent Mango juice for sale here in Europe, and similarly, a lot of my friends from India say that a lot of the eggplants are crap and overpriced. So she might want to go pick out the fruits and vegetables herself to make sure they’re up to standards. 
Who does the grocery shopping? - Petra. See above. (Though perhaps this might reverse once they move to Bridgid. Assuming that Fodlan is roughly like Europe, Dorothea might want to eyeball all the bread wine cheese and sausage before buying)
How often do they bake desserts? - average
Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - Petra enjoys hunting and definitely makes a point of utilizing everything she catches, so nothing goes to waste. The kids, if applicable,  get plenty of adorable little leather clothes. 
Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Dorothea. 
Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Depends on wether that means partying (Dorothea) or just going outside in nature (Petra), but both seem like the sort to have an active social life going 
Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? -  Dorothea (Neither  would be super likely but Petra probably got used to handling open fires since she was very young.)
Chores:
Who cleans the room? - Both. 
Who is really against chores? - Neither
Who cleans up after the pets? - Petra
Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Dorothea
Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Neither, but if its politically important guests Petra would not so much stress but think/plan it all through so it projects the right message. When it’s just their friends they’d both be chill tho. Especially since most of their friends are probably more chaotic than they are
Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Petra
Misc:
Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Dorothea
Who takes the dog out for a walk? - They’d take turns
How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Often (Dorothea might not be a believer but I think she’d enjoy the social aspect od holidays)
What are their goals for the relationship? - To find their happiness and support each other through life
Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Petra (I think she says somewhere that she likes to sleep in when she can afford to?)
Who plays the most pranks? - Both but like in a sweet teasing way 
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mightymightytigers ¡ 5 years ago
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Headcanons or mini fic about how you think Jo and Kelsey met/got together? ❤️
oh Absolutely!!
i love the idea that they met in Biology. I mean Jo 100% would not want to stay partners with Phoenix so I think they would’ve gotten a new one asap and Kelsey was there
Jo is kind of bad in school, just overwhelmingly mediocre, and they kind of feel bad for bringing Kelsey’s bio grade down so they start working harder
Without Frankie’s friendship anymore Jo is just very lonely, and one time after school working on a bio project with Kelsey, they realize that they actually like working with her. she’s funny and smart and equally as impulsive as Jo is.
Kelsey didn’t really know Jo before becoming their bio partner, but she does have eyes and was def attracted to them. And after getting to know them a bit she’s the one who catches feelings first
sometime towards the end of the third quarter, there’s a massive project due and so they meet at Kelsey’s house to work on it and hopefully finish it. Jo’s kind of in a pissy mood, maybe they got in a fight with their mom or maybe something with Frankie idk, and Kelsey picks up on it and they end up taking a break from working and just jam out for a while
After the quarter ends, they’re supposed to change partners again, but Jo pulls some strings w/ the bio teacher like â€œkelsey has really helped me get my grade up and this is my most important semester for college applications and ...” and somehow the teacher lets it slide.
They start hanging out more, getting coffee and going to Target and doing edgy/dumb photoshoots because frankly that’s all there is to do in a suburban town. Jo notices that they are kinda into Kelsey but denies it because they can’t deal with it so soon after Frankie
i know soccer szn is fall at most schools but its my canon and i get to choose the rules, so once soccer gets going in the spring, Jo goes to Kelsey’s games to support her and ends up also hanging out w/ her friends. They are very surprised that they also like her friends because they always kinda thought everyone at the high school was the same boring bitch and thats on internalized misogyny.
so Jo starts hanging w/ the soccer team a bit, but still mostly just with Kelsey
it’s april and it’s raining and one night Kelsey and Jo are at Kelsey’s house and some old Kesha song is playing while they’re in the kitchen waiting for a chocolate cake to finish baking and Jo stops and just watches Kelsey for a minute and all their feelings suddenly appear again and it’s so overwhelming that they almost don’t notice beep of the timer going off
kelsey 100% notices this and later when they’re watching a movie she sits close
She makes some kind of joke and Jo looks at her smiling and before she loses her nerve she just kisses them
Jo only hesitates for a second before kissing back, mostly out of surprise
once the credits of the movie have rolled they just sit there cuddled up together for a while, and Jo needs some kind of confirmation that there are real feelings here
they decide to just feel it out and go on a real date and see how it goes. They go to olive garden. it’s the only decent and still affordable restaurant in town
it goes well, very well if you ignore the stolen breadsticks
frankly there isn’t a big change between them. It just feels natural to go from being friends to being partners
Later in the school year Jo comes out to Kelsey as nonbinary. Angie, their mom, had been really harping them about their clothes and name. They’re kind of scared that they’ll lose Kelsey when they come out, even though the rational part of their brain knows better
Anyway, Kelsey unknowingly misgenders Jo when talking to her parents or something and it’s just the last straw so they finally tell her. She’s very supportive
Kelsey had known that Jo wasn’t very comfortable being called a girl, but she had chalked it up to how a lot of lesbians have very weird relationships to gender
Basically, she’s just not surprised when Jo tells her, it’s just the missing puzzle piece that finished the puzzle. Kelsey tells them they love them after this and she sees the softness and adoration in Jo’s eyes when they say it back and they are so grateful they agreed to be Jo’s bio partner that day
They continue dating through the summer and then senior year, and Jo eventually starts talking to Frankie again, although it’s very stilted and it takes the better part of the year for them to actually talk like normal people again.
Kelsey doesn’t have the highest opinion of Frankie to say the least just because she hurt Jo so much, but she’s happy that Jo can get closure
I love them but I don’t think Jo and Kelsey would keep dating after high school. Kelsey is probably going off somewhere far away - she always kind of hated Connecticut - and Jo doesn’t really have a big plan for their life yet
I think they just plan to break off their relationship when Kelsey leaves for college but they def stay friends
It hurts when they move on from each other, but they cherish their memories and time together.
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miss-anna-banana-blog ¡ 5 years ago
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I never thought I’ll be writing something like this, specifically the part of exposing myself in front of the people who follow me + the ones who don’t but still are checking up all the time. These pictures take me back to summer 2017. The worst year of my entire life. You couldn’t tell of course because I made sure no one wouldn’t be capable of noticing these kind of things. I posted positive, happy and silly things and I “became the best version of me” lmao. Now I can finally admit that was some huge ass bullshit and I’m mad no one said a thing. A few months before those photos were taken, I started to battle with my super toxic new old friend Anorexia, followed by her cousin Bulimia. I could remember having a goal: To be as skinny as possible. To look as good as I could ever look on a family trip to the beach (now that I think about it, it’s like, come on, it’s your family they don’t give a shit). Also, before that, I had my high school prom and you can guess what my new eating disorder did for me. Did you guessed? Yes, it made me bought a smaller freaking expensive dress! So that I could have a motivation to lost all the freaking weight I hated. I remember being asked by the lady in charge of the dress store â€œDon’t you want the L size? I think you could feel more comfortable” And my whole face started to burn. I felt awful. But I remained calm, laughed and said â€œI’m about to go on a diet. I’ll loose all this weight” and she ofc had to be this supportive â€œbuy all my shit” kind of person. So she suggested me to get the S size. But around that time I was dumb, but like not that dumb after all because I knew that, there was no way in hell I could fit into that shit, even if I stopped eating for like a whole month. So I decided to get the M one. And yes, maybe M is kinda considered a fat girl size, but this dress was made of lace. fucking lace. Which means, it was tight and getting the M was sort of a big deal. That day I paid for my own dress (because my parents had no idea about my future plans) and went home all happy and excited because I finally had a goal to achieve: To fit in that dress, because I couldn’t afford to throw all my money away. So at this moment I’d like to state that I have a mild pill addiction (nothing serious, but sometimes they still appeal to me as candies or some shit) and it appeared around this time because this girl had an eye opening moment when she found out about...*drum rolls* LOSING WEIGHT PILLS. It was a whole thing. I was shocked. Like, I could lose weight by taking this lil pill? Everyone said â€œyes” forgetting that ofc It’s not that easy. So I started to take them daily, even surpassing the recommended dose. I began to let those pills solve my whole eating problems. I started dieting but sometimes I had these huge cravings (I could also say I’m kind of a compulsive eater?) anyways, I wanted to eat junk food, but I couldn’t do it. My whole brain was like â€œNo honey” and then we started to have a battle and when I won that battle, I decided to choose the losing weight pills as my ally. So, in resume, I ate a lot of shit and then I’d let the pills do it’s job. And what job I’m talking about? Diarrhea LMFAO. I mean, I had to get used to be shitting my pants every single time because everything I ate ended up in the freaking toilet in a very gross way. The thing is, I learned to live with this awful thing. I made it look like something normal. But the truth is, it wasn’t normal and I could have gotten a serious disease by doing that. But as always, that wasn’t enough. And when I realized the pills process was kinda slow I decided to cut most of the foods I considered â€œbad”. I ate once a day, drank tons of water and detox tea; courtesy of my mom. Because, now that I realize all this stuff, I didn’t started all of this by myself. I let my mom help me develop it. She has always talked about losing weight methods, pills, creams, all the things that would help you lose weight, my mama knew. So I always had this fear of my mom targeting my fatness. I had the fear that she would be disappointed because of the weight I had after all the advice she gave to me and my sisters. I mean, she always had something to say about this losing weight thing, How could I be fat? She literally was giving me options to not be fat anymore. So to her, at first was kinda normal that I decided to go to sleep to avoid eating. I would literally had a small plastic bag with some granola for breakfast and water. Then I would eat tuna with lettuce and lemon and more water and then I’d have more tuna for dinner. And when I felt hungry as hell? I went to sleep. It helped me a lot to be a sick person at it’s fullest. But hey, I def started to lose weight. With all the things I cut and the pills I was this close to achieve my goal. I decided to join my mom on her gym routine and people there started to compliment me about how skinny I started to look. I was living the dream!! I started to push myself way harder on the gym (I also almost fainted like 2-3 times a week) but Hey, I needed to get toned! Being skinny wasn’t enough. So I started to realize I could get myself to look better. And guess who helped me achieve my skeleton look? My dearest friend, index finger. We had our first meeting one time at the bathroom. That time I didn’t thought I’d be capable of doing something like that. I was scared of the result. But somehow we managed to forget that rocky start and the first time I vomited I was like â€œwoah so this is how it feels. My god, can’t believe I’ve missed this my whole life” and it was so easy. I didn’t even need to cut foods. I could eat whatever I wanted! And then It would be gone for good! And all I had to do was push my finger deep in my throat. So fucking easy. And that’s how I finally achieved my goal, by playing the girl from the exorcist movie in my bathroom every day after every meal. I should’ve been happy, but my ED said â€œnope” and I had a whole breakdown and missed my prom. I went trough a lot of changes, decided to cut and dye my hair and tried to become a whole new person while stile carrying my oldest two versions (The one before the ED, and the one who had the ED) and I felt like I became an actress in this movie called “how long could you keep it cool until you become crazy”. Around that time, I weighted like 43...42 kg. I was way under my weight. My legs were tiny and I loved them. I loved to feel my ribs, my hip bones. I loved to see how my clothes looked bigger on me. I even sent some of my clothes to be fixed so that they would be smaller and fit me and yet, they didn’t because I was too small now. And I loved it. No one said a thing. My family was like â€œOh now you’re skinny? It must be from the gym” My mom was thrilled. She never said it, but I could tell by the way she looked at me when I asked her if she could send my clothes to her friend because they didn’t fit me anymore. She even started to buy me clothes on smaller sizes and we even joked about how now I would have to buy on the kid’s section because I was so small and I couldn’t be prouder. I took photos with the clothes that looked bigger on me. I had to have proof that I was tiny! I was having a moment. And people started to notice that I became tiny but never asked how I got to be â€˜that’ tiny. So, they never asked. I never answered. Until now lol. So the family trip to the beach happened and there I ate all the things I couldn’t while achieving my goal, because what the hell I was already skinny, I could eat whatever I wanted. And I ate, and ate and yet, I looked good on the bikini photos. I MEAN, for the first time in years I bought a TWO PIECES swimsuit. I had a great time there, it felt like a culmination in my life. I took cute pictures in front of the beach house, my cousin complimented be about looking skinny and pretty and yeah, happy ever after. Back at home, the struggle wasn’t over. I started to eat normally again but always fearing about my weight. I was perfect. I couldn’t lose that. So it begins the journey of â€œeating and regretting and then vomiting and then regretting it and then sending everything to hell and eating once again” and that went on repeat ALL DAY. To summarize, this isn’t exactly a story with a happy ending. It got to a point where I realized â€œWTF DUDE. YOU’LL DIE FROM THIS” and I stopped doing all that shit. Even my parents noticed the whole thing before I could send it back to hell. Tbh I was kinda expecting them to be mad or anything but they were like â€œwe could hear you vomiting” and that’s all. Um, so you heard? Uh, sorry? My mom was more worried about how the toilet looked after I threw up on it. She said the stains were awful. So, I’d like to say sorry to my mom for staining her toilet while dealing with all my shit. My bad mom. 
Now, I’d like to state that it’s been three years since that happened and my family and I still haven’t spoke about it. I had to seek help somewhere else. And you know, I’m not stating that my parents are the ones to blame. No, I was 17. I was totally aware of how awful having a ED was and yet I decided to participate. However, I totally believe they should have said something. I mean, it took a very short time for me to lose more than 30 kg and I slept all day. Wasn’t that weird for them? Maybe. But my parent’s weren’t exactly raised to be aware of people’s emotions. My parents were raised to be emotionless. They rarely show emotions and that’s something regular at home. So, if they ever felt worried they never expressed it because they didn’t knew how. And that’s normal, At least to me. 
Moving forward to 2020, I’m 21. I’m an ED survivor (hate the word but you know, I didn’t died so I guess I kinda survived?) and I’m still in recovery and def not fully healed. That’s why I said this didn’t exactly had a happy ending. Because when you have an ED you can’t just put it away and make it disappear from your life. Nope, it’s not that easy and if someone says it is. They’re big liars. People talk about how difficult is to recover and gain weight without having these awful thoughts but they never tell you how your relationship with food changes forever. Or maybe they do, but it’s very rare tbh. Now, 3 years after having an ED I can say I still have it in me. Every time I eat something, I can’t help to feel guilty. To have the urge to vomit everything or the amount of times I say in my head â€œYou need to cut food again” I get a losing weight goal every month. And I have the same feelings and thoughts I used to have 3 years ago. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t feel proud. I get the feeling I’m not having my best moment. And it sucks, you know? Because it’s tiring. Having your mind working 24/7 on the food you just ate and you could have replaced it with something healthier. And not being able to stop it. It also doesn’t help the fact that my mom is still obsessed with losing weight. She still has this habit of checking what I eat and making this “I don’t approve it” face. A month ago, I kinda had a relapse. I started to cut foods and then I was like â€œHey, remember those pills? They still exist, you know?” But, I had no money. I couldn’t go outside to get them (bc quarantine, yikes) and I had no idea which ones would help me this time. So...I asked the expert; my mom. I’d like to state again I’m not blaming her. Anyways, I told her I felt fat and awful (she never said â€œyou’re not fat” bc I have to admit, I am, at the moment) and asked her for her advice on losing weight stuff. She quickly recommended some popular diet pills she once listened a woman recommend in the radio. She even told me about a deal they had! Which included 3 bottles, all of them with 60 pills. Bro, I was in paradise at that moment. 180 pills plus having the opportunity to lose weight? WHAT A FUCKING DEAL My mom was thrilled, she even got the deal for herself (and both suffered from the same consequences, that my mom tried to cover up by saying that â€œit was the body’s reaction” and that we were detoxing our bodies” but I decided to cut that bullshit and stopped taking them bc I had awful results (and also, I wasn’t exactly losing weight which was the whole goal) 
Today, June 2nd. I reflected about this whole thing. I am proud I never went to the bottom and to the hospital. But I’m not proud on the fact that I still haven’t recovered. Not even a bit. I mean, yeah, now I have double thoughts before doing something my ED tells me to do, but I still have the urge of being skinny. I still compare my body and feel like that is the only thing I could offer. Most stories shared this day, are successful ones. Most have this cute ending with them still being skinny but now, reflecting on life and talking about healthy weight gain. But not all stories are like those ones. There’s people still struggling. Like me, I haven’t even recovered but yet, I’m sharing this shit. Because that’s the reality behind having a daughter, sister, friend, with an ED. 
We would never openly say â€œI HAVE AN EATING DISORDER” but it’s always in the little details. It’s in the way they read the menu and search for the healthy options and the calories, the way they express about their bodies, the way they constantly say how much they need to go to the gym. It’s in the way they look at food whenever you offer them, like if they could calculate how many days would it take for that food to get stuck in their body, specifically in the abdomen area. It’s there, but not many people gets to see it. It’s a matter of paying attention. And no, we do not want attention all the time, we do not want you to save us. It’s not about that. It’s about being aware that we are struggling and that we might need your support at least once. 
Personally, I do not want to be saved. I just want to cope with it. I want to be able to eat healthy without falling again into these crap. I want to be able to look back and say â€œI fucking did it”. If I’m totally honest, the thought of losing weight will always be here with me. I’ll always have this little voice telling me â€œYou could be smaller, you know? â€œYou could stop your dad from saying that you’d be perfect to play football again because you could tackle everyone with that body” â€œYou could be as tiny as your sister” â€œYou could show your ballet teacher that you do not look like a ball anymore” â€œYou could make your mom proud because you have taken her advice” â€œYou could fit in that shirt and those pants again” and the most important one â€œYou could have it all” because sadly, in this world, skinny means successful. And while I still try to achieve being that successful, the ED thoughts won’t go away, not at all. And I’m being honest. Terribly honest. But at least, I’m not lying and saying I’ll do better. Because, I’ll be better, just not today and maybe not even in two years from now. But I’ll be one day. 
This story was shared to commemorate the World Eating Disorders Action Day (June 2nd) to spread awareness about what ED really mean and what they actually look like in real life. 
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lilithpooped ¡ 6 years ago
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Blood Runs Cold - Kim Hongjoong
Song Request: Blood Runs Cold by Def Leppard
Requested by: @lovekimhongjoong
Genre: FUCK I DON’T EVEN KNOW
A/n: Hi.. this song just.. strongly reminds me of despair. It reminds me of being desperate. I’m so sorry it turned out this sad but I still hope you like it. 💕
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Hongjoong watches you play with your foster child. A nice afternoon, he’s lying on bed, you and your 3 year old daughter sitting next to him, playing with your makeup things and jewelry.. I’m so lucky, he thinks to himself.
~~~~
A beautiful morning, you two are in your bed, looking at each other’s face. Not saying anything. Your hand is on his left cheek, thumb caressing his face slowly. Your eyes are trying to tell something to him. And he understands. He definitely understands. He loves you, too.
~~~~
It’s past midnight. He wakes up from the movement of the bed. He sees you turning side to side, mumbling something in your dream.
“Baby! Baby wake up! Baby!” He tries to wake you up, shaking you slowly.
You wake up. Seeing him right beside you calms you down. You feel out of breath.
“I’m here. Don’t worry. Come here.” He hugs you whispering repeatedly “I’m here. Don’t worry. I’m here.”
~~~~
You are excited. You two are becoming foster parents for the second time. Finally your daughter will have a baby brother. Just one year younger than her. He looks at you, seeing your childish happiness still does things to him even after that many years.
~~~~
A dark evening. You are mad at him for being late for a date you two planned for your n’th anniversary. You tell him some bad things. He knows you don’t mean them. But he can’t help himself. He tells you some things just as bad as yours. You two go to sleep in different beds that night. He goes to your shared bedroom and you go to sleep next to your son. Neither of you can sleep. He goes to the living room and sees you sitting there watching the night.
“I’m sorry.” He says.
“I’m sorry, too.” You say.
~~~~
It’s like his first time seeing you in formal clothes. You have been taking care of your children for so long and finally you two can afford a babysitter now that you also decided to work again. He looks at you from your head to toe, taking in the scene in front of him. You look just as beautiful as you are in your pajamas. He loves you no matter what you’re wearing.
~~~~
You tell him that you’ll be late for dinner and he decides to prepare a surprise for you with your children. The kids are preparing the table and he’s cooking the dinner for you. He knows you are in distress nowadays. He wants you to smile. He even lets the children put different pairs of plates on the table ‘cause he knows you’ll like it anyway.
~~~~
It’s again a beautiful morning. Your son came to sleep between you last night because he had a nightmare. And your daughter came too when she realized he’s with you. Your double bed is not comfortable for 2 more people but you are happy anyways. He can see it in your eyes when you’re talking to your son. Your daughter hugs her father, kisses him on his cheek, holds his face in her small hands and says:
“Dad, you need to look at me, not at mom.”
~~~~
It’s your daughter’s first day in elementary school. She’s not happy. She doesn’t wanna be there. She’s crying and you’re holding yourself so hard not to cry. You look at Hongjoong and see him wiping his one tear. You hug your daughter one last time before leaving her there and turning back to your workplace. After leaving the school together, you look at Hongjoong and ask:
“What was that? Our strong father couldn’t stand his daughter’s cries I guess?”
“No, I remembered my first day at elementary school, that’s all.” He says trying to make you believe it.
“I don’t buy it, Mr. Kim!!” After giggling, you slowly stop your tracks. He sees and also stops.
“Can you hug me?” You ask.
“It seems like our mother is not that strong, either.” He jokes and hugs you. Yes he can always hug you. Whenever you like him to.
“She grew up so fast. Am I old now?” You ask, voice muffling because of being pulled to his chest.
“You’re always young and beautiful.”
“I don’t want them to grow up. They won’t like it anyway.”
“I know.”
~~~~
It’s the worst day in your lives. Your daughter’s teacher called you and said that your daughter fell down the stairs and hit her head. You are at the hospital now waiting for doctors to tell you something but you could guess how bad it was when you first saw the teacher’s shirt with blood stains on it. Hongjoong finally arrives, running fast to you.
“How’s she? Where’s she? What happened?”
You hug him crying. You both wait for doctors to tell you something.
~~~~
It’s the fifth night in a row that you can’t sleep. How can he sleep when he knows you’re overthinking again? He turns his face to you even though your back is turned at him. He knows you’re watching the night sky from the window beside your bed. He hugs you from behind. He knows you’re crying silently. He can feel it. He can understand it. Because he feels the same, if not worse.
“Don’t worry baby. Everything’s gonna be alright. Doctors said she’ll be alright. Don’t think about bad things.”
She’s staying at the hospital, in intensive care section. His mom knows you two spent last 4 days and nights at hospital and she told you that she would stay tonight so you could go home and get some sleep.
~~~~
You’re watching Hongjoong playing with your children. It’s been a year since your daughter healed and you’re just thankful. Thankful to whatever god there is. Thankful to Hongjoong. Thankful to his mom. Thankful to yours. You’re just thankful that everything turned out okay in the end. You think you wouldn’t have been able to get over it if something ever happened to your little girl. You think you wouldn’t have been able to handle even this much if it weren’t for Hongjoong’s support. He handled everything for you.
“Look, your mom also wants to be tickled!! Let’s go tickle her!!” He says cheerfully and they run to you laughing crazily. You get eye to eye with Hongjoong and he smiles lovingly. He knows better than to let you go in the depth of your emotions again.
~~~~
You’re driving to your kids’ school. They are both in the middle school now. You planned to eat out tonight as a family and you finished your work early to prepare a birthday surprise for Hongjoong. He doesn’t think you remember his birthday and he doesn’t mind it at all. It’s okay if you’re happy. He thinks you only wanted to eat out because your son kept saying that he wants to. Suddenly his work piles up and he knows he will be late. He texts you. You’re okay with it. It’s even better for you since preparing something in collaboration with children can be so hard sometimes even though they are old enough to understand most of the things.
~~~~
Hongjoong leaves work at 10 pm tonight. He knows he’s really late. He takes his phone from his pocket to call you. At that moment, he sees 25 calls from you and 30 from your mom, His phone was in silent mode again. But why did your mom call him that many times? That’s not normal, he thinks. He needs to call you back as soon as possible, you must be very mad at him by now. You always say you hate it when he’s out of reach when you need him. You once called him that many times from your and your mom’s phones so he thinks you did it again just to prove your point. But something, something inside him tells him that this time it’s different. So he calls you right away but your phone is off. So he calls your mom.
~~~~
Hongjoong was early to think that he saw the worst days. Today is the worst he can ever think of. He’s driving to the hospital way above the speed limit. Cold sweats dripping from his forehead. Your mom told him you got into a car accident and all three of you are in critical condition. He prays to all the gods that you all be safe. But something, something still tells him this time it’s different.
~~~~
He’s at the hospital. He’s on the floor, he’s on his knees. He wants it all to be a huge nightmare. He wants it all to be a lie. His blood runs cold after seeing all of your dead bodies. He doesn’t wanna believe it. He wants to hear your voice once again. He wants to see you smile once again. He wants his children to hug him one more time. He hears your mom’s screaming instead. Does it really ease the pain? He feels thousands of knives cutting through his skin. He feels it in his bones. He is silent. He can’t even shed a tear because it’s all a lie, right? He doesn’t believe any of it. He thinks you’ll come and hug him. And your scent will surround him. He thinks everything will be alright if you hug him right now. He looks at your dead body one more time. He looks at his children’s small, dead bodies. How can it be? It was this morning, you kissed him, told him you love him, your children talked about their schools while having breakfast and kissed him goodbye before they leave for school? How could it be? Doctors must’ve made a mistake. They must’ve confused you all with some other family. He feels bad for that family, since the bodies don’t belong to his family, right?
~~~~
He’s at the cemetery. Even after two years, he still waits for you to come and hug him. He still thinks you’ll kiss him before going to work. He still denies this twist of fate. But nothing helps now. You’re gone.
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Masterlist
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jq37 ¡ 6 years ago
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I just finally watched the last 40 minutes of â€œWe Need to Talk About Pete” (hell week at work) and damn, the way things are going, it looks like there’s a chance we might get some of that PvP Brennan got friendship is magic’d out of in Bloodkeep.
It’s an interesting situation they’re in right now, Kingston especially. I know he came across as super harsh during that secret team meeting (which, as we know from media experience, is a thing that never backfires and leads to the person being talked about to be pushed further away and make rasher decisions when they inevitably find out about it) because he jumped straight to the Of Mice and Men plan, but he’s got a point. Pete is inherently dangerous and really irresponsible. Not only that, he acts in such a way that it can seem like he doesn’t care about what’s going on. Like, people are talking about the end of the world as they know it or a giant fight that he caused (albeit unintentionally) and he’s dropping acid and leaving to get tattoos. It’s not a good look. No wonder Alejandro is pissed at him. 
Kingston doesn’t even come across as pissed to me. He’s just pragmatic. He’s the guardian of NYC and he’s basically been presented this F’d up trolley problem situation where the train is barreling towards a city of a population of 8 million people he’s responsible for and on the other track is one guy who has been warned to not play on the train tracks. It sucks but the math is pretty clear. And, listen, I think that if it were his life on the line and not the lives of the people he’s supposed to be protecting, he’d be inclined to put himself in danger for Pete’s sake (ha). It’s not like he said killing Pete was what they should do about him full stop (“put him down” was the term he used which is not a phrase you wanna be quoted as saying because, yikes). He said if worst comes to worst.  
In Pete’s defense, it’s been about a week and this would be a lot to process for anyone, let alone someone who’s already going through a ton of personal crap. I don’t think he should be expected to have his crap even remotely together at this point. But it’s hard to give someone a grace period to screw up when the consequence of them screwing up is that people die. And people did die in the last fight. It wasn’t like a big superhero battle where the city is magically totally evac’d for the big fight. There was collateral damage. And you know who dies? Not the people like the PC’s who have knowledge of what’s going on, the magical means to defend themselves, and a seat at the table. It’s innocent randoms who are just trying to live their lives and have no idea what’s going on. As speaker for the city, he has to give people who don’t get a seat at the table a voice and I think his position is a fairly good representation of what they’d say. 
And, in Pete’s further defense, it’s not like he decided to take on this responsibility and now he’s slacking. He didn’t ask to have any of this happen to him and it’s not like he knew what he was doing when he said yes so you can’t really blame him. But that also doesn’t mean he gets to be a walking, magic, chaos tornado, and cause a bunch of collateral damage everywhere he goes. I’d say the group should do a better job of supporting him but I don’t know how they could do better than they’re already doing. None of them are therapists or anything and that’s the kind of help Pete needs. Like, I know I said earlier that the secret team meeting always ends up backfiring--and it almost always does--but it’s not like they haven’t tried talking to him. It just hasn’t stuck. 
Wildly enough, I think Misty is closest to the right answer here. Not that they should lock Pete in a cave, but he def needs magic training wheels. Like, power limiters or something similar (think Prof X to baby Jean Grey--not that that went well either, but in this scenario it’s short term and Pete’s told it’s happening so there’s no Phoenix flame out later) while he comes to terms with the gravity of the situation and figures out what he’s doing. 
Pete’s heart is in a good place but he needs to get his head there too because the city really can’t afford a bunch of his “leaning experiences”. I think talking to Alejandro’s granddaughters was a good step in the right direction but things are escalating and he needs to get better at this quickly.  
Kingston needs to have a talk with Pete because if he loses his trust, the chances that they end staging a production of The Unsleeping City: Civil War goes up exponentially.  
And, to step out of the story and look at the game itself for a second, I think it’s really interesting that we’re getting this internal conflict this season. In FH and even Bloodkeep, there wasn’t a ton of in-group tension. Like, in Bloodkeep Leiland and Maggie had beef but they were so busy with the task at hand that it never went past bickering and they ended the game basically family. I never got the sense that anyone would try to â€œbetray” anyone else--again, even though that was supposed to be the entire endgame of Bloodkeep. So now, to have this game where it seems like the party should be mostly on the same page and now to see the cracks forming is really interesting. D20 is really good at keeping us on our toes and I’m really excited to see where this ends up going. 
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ferrumfluorite ¡ 6 years ago
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heY did you ever write that thing about tailgate and functionalism?
I kdshf gosh no, I didn’t. I haven’t done a meta post in a long time, but seeing as today’s the start of a glorious four day weekend, let’s hit this up rq!
For some of my newer followers, I do occasionally…………. try to dip my toes in character analysis. It doesn’t always go well, but hey! That’s the fun of it. Anyways I very briefly touched on the subject of Functionism being laden in Cyclonus’ upbringing and then again with something Whirl says to him. Both times I was exploring different ideas tho and I didn’t want to segue too hard from them.
The basic idea is that Functionism is an ingrained, albeit subtle facet of how Cyclonus treats Tailgate in the series. 
I’d definitely had more to say about this when it was fresh in my brainspace, but that’s about the crutch of it. A lot of Cyclonus’ attitude we see in the comics absolutely have roots in Functionism, especially when it came to purpose and honor. 
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He sticks to his guns here and he’s ready to toss his friend into the smelter, despite Scourge still being Very Much alive and Very Not into the idea, before presumably resigning himself to the same fate. But his ideals manifest very differently in comparison to the rest of his peers.
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Galvatron enjoyed the position his high warrior status afforded him and clearly relished in it for the couple million years before he even met Cyclonus. Early Cybertronian days honestly were just like this. And Cyclonus was cultivated in the same crop as a lot of the people we see supporting this hierarchy, functionism, expansion, etc. But interestingly, Cyclonus clearly had a different idea of what Cybertronian conquest meant to him.
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This was a pretty stark contrast to the stuff Nova was spewing at the time, and I feel like he must have made his case clear on several occasions. We don’t see a whole lot of interaction between Cyclonus and some of his other crewmates aboard the Ark but there’s a distinct line drawn between them and Cyclonus.
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He’s not exactly held in high regard and subject to this imposed hierarchy. And he is reminded of it.
At best, he’s just a missionary that ended up on Galvatron’s good side bc of his fighting skills (with Scourge tagging along as possibly even lower). He came from the same upbringing, but he clearly doesn’t think the same as the likes of Jhiaxus and Nova–Hell, even Galvatron. 
Always just a â€œhanger on” and never really blatantly in their support (not until the Heart of Darkness comes into play).
Alright, I went a little to the side, but I wanted to get across that Functionism to Cyclonus is, at least, a bit different than how many of his peers perceive it. It’s the same deal, but he’s got a whole lot less active oppression and classism involved, despite the influences of those around him.
So let’s fast forward to the Tailgate bit and that part I mentioned in one of my other posts.
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The accusations from Whirl of â€œHe owes you? You own him? He’s not allowed to make other friends?” didn’t strike me until later as–Why that? Sure, we know Whirl was trying his damnedest at the time to keep Cyclonus from interfering with Getaway’s plans. Whirl is represented as a pretty creative and astute individual, and it takes a certain amount of cunning to manipulate Cyclonus. Whirl had to base it on context that Cyclonus would believe and begin to doubt himself.
Which he does. Without warning him later, Cyclonus would have brooded through the whole ordeal and Tailgate left to his fate by Megatron’s hand–Megatron says he wouldn’t have hurt him, but who really knows. Nearly crushing his helm doesn’t do his claim any favors.
Whirl knows the world Cyclonus comes from (being intimately aware of the ideals of Functionism himself), and he knows how he’s predisposed and raised to view lower caste. So he uses it to his advantage in that scene to help drive his point.
Even if Cyclonus clearly has divergent views regarding the rights of other transformers as we see directly in the next issue–
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Whirl still preys on it and makes him second guess himself to great effect.
But let’s be real here, Cyclonus didn’t exactly put his best pede forward at being kind to Tailgate upon meeting him. So it’s not as if his previous treatment is without basis.
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(I could also include the infamous (and extremely short) physical fight they get into, but I feel the resulting stubbornness on Cyclonus’ end lends more to the argument than the fight itself. That felt strictly a matter of teaching Tailgate not to just hit someone who’s upset him. Not that Cyclonus wasn’t in the wrong either, but his retaliation was one of definitive conclusion to make sure no one freely strikes him unless they intend to actually engage him–A response I think we can expect from a character with his background, and many others aboard the Lost Light.)
Eventually Cyclonus’ feelings for Tailgate develop, but he doesn’t know how to act on them and, at a point, if he even should. @attentiondeficitstarscream​ pointed out to me that it’s def a bit of a Lover/Beloved deal going on where Cyclonus is there and is interested and begins to love after Tailgate, but is loathe to allow it to show beyond his commitment.
And during the events of MTMTE/LL, we see very little of Cyclonus regarding Tailgate as being equal to him. To the effect of that in the beginning there’s aloof indifference and contempt, to straight up placing Tailgate above himself and his well-being.
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And this is how Cyclonus fulfills his duties to people he’s committed himself to. It’s archaic and reckless and not the healthiest approach, but it’s what he knows, and what he knows he’s good at.
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Once Tailgate rebuffs Cyclonus’ intent to stay with him on the Necroworld, and further still once he finds out Tailgate has â€œdied”, his reaction is as if he’s lost his purpose. Like on Gorlam Prime, he lapses back to believing death is his only conclusion because he’s been robbed of his function. It’s his will that Mederi molds itself to manifest as the Afterspark and he’s happy to be there.
Because, I guess, fuckin’ finally right after he’s near died (and actually died) so many times and the universe is like Nah Keep Going. Now, he doesn’t have to keep living without function and without Tailgate. So he believes, anyways.
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Getting Tailgate and, consequently, the root of his function back really was his happy ending here.
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All said and done, post Lost Light 25 (in either universe) I feel part of their further development would end up dealing with some of the issues of Cyclonus hanging too much of his perceived worth in his function to Tailgate, among other things. It’s been such a big part of his character as a follower of traditions, of hierarchy, of people and ambitions he regards higher than himself--When he’s left alone and without purpose, well and truly, it’s clear how much he lacks the self-reliance or drive to carve his own path.
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farklelucas ¡ 2 years ago
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hey, do you pay for dropout, or do you know of where to stream it for free?
hello!! so i personally pay for dropout (my brother and i split it which came out to a little under 30 bucks each) - i got the full-year plan, which is just a little less expensive than paying per month. right now there's a sale going on!! you get 20% off the full-year purchase coming out to only 48 for the whole year. it's only 6 bucks a month if you wanna do it monthly which - it could def be worth it if you only wanna watch a certain show or campaign. i def binged quite a few of the shows in under a month.
EDIT: i forgot to say but there IS a free trial option for dropout and i def recommend trying it
i don't know where to stream it for free. i mean, besides what's on their youtube channel - which is a shit ton of the d20 campaigns over on the dimension 20 channel and some of the other shows (game changer, no laugh newsroom, and make some noise) on their main channel. i couldn't find where to stream it for free when i looked before i got dropout. i am def pro-supporting the cast of dropout - whether that means just watching the yt videos and giving them ad revenue, or paying for dropout if you can. but i also know that not everybody can afford it, so if anybody has any way to watch it for free hmu under this post and i'll reblog with it!!
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sweetlittlehawke ¡ 6 years ago
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Keep Moving Forward
It’s December. Yknow what that means! Let’s reflect on the year. When I made  a post like this last year, it was a hopeful thing. I was excited about the coming year, because I was excited that I’d finally met some people I could hang out with. I love Alea and Brooke to the moon and back, but only having two friends for most of my life is not the best. As much as I denied it for years, my mum’s right. I’m very social. I have social anxiety. But I am a very social person. So, if you wanna read about all that, it’s under a read more. Cause fucking hell did this get long.
So, this year started and I was single, I was in Unity, I was in school, and I was living with my parents. By May I was not single and I was not in Unity. Shortly after that- because end of the semester and stuff and things happening- I was no longer in school or living with my parents. At this point in the year, I’m still not single, nor in Unity (as I doubt I’ll ever go back. To the troupe at least, I absolutely wanna go back to taking classes), or in school. But I have plans to go back to school. I’m halfway to being able to afford a car, and then saving for an apartment, so Sammy and I can go to Cleveland. Because I wanna be close to my friends. I don’t like most of the people I live with presently, and neither does Sam. So we’re gonna move out in July when the lease is up on our place. 
When I made this post last year, I talked about the only table top rpgs I’d played was a D&D 5e oneshot, a game of Roll for Shoes, and was just then stepping into a campaign. Needless to say, that changed. A lot. I’ve played West Marches to it’s end. I’ve been in Alex’s Pathfinder campaign for a year. I spent a semester in Andrew’s Pathfinder campaign (and met my girlfriend through that). I’ve spent two semesters in Jacob’s 5e campaign. I’ve started a campaign of my own at Breakout to get those people into D&D. I’ve gone so far with this, and I love it. I love every second of it. I also mentioned that I’d kinda started in Magic, but hadn’t put any money towards it. That didn’t last either. I’ve built my own custom deck, and that def required spending money. Once Andrew got me a starter deck it was downhill from there. I don’t play a ton, but Magic def did get my interest.
Last year I kinda just made lil shoutouts to Scott, Trevi, and Andrew. But this year I have so many more people to talk about, and to be thankful for. Because they’re not just new people that I’m kinda sorta friends with. They’re my family. So lemme go through this. Lemme take a bit, to talk about this gaggle of people I’ve found, that I love. 
It’s primarily the Pathfinder group. The original Pathfinder group. Alex, Jacob, Andrew, Thomas, Susannah, Molly, and Will. Most of these people are also the people in West Marches, but there are some West Marches people that aren’t in Pathfinder. People like Joey and Adriana, Freddie, Michael, and of course, Trevi and Scott. Now, to go into detail about the specific people, and why I love them.
Alex is just, great. I don’t always feel like I’m super close with him, but he does pay attention to everyone in the group. We recently had a session that really hit that fact home. It was a Christmas session, because it’s December what else are we gonna do? Each of our characters had gifts, and these gifts meant something to each of us. Outside of games though, he’s just as attentive. He’s always supportive, and very understanding of when people need distance or aid. He’s encouraging, and frankly I’m not sure I’ve ever heard him say something bad against anyone. Ambiguous maybe, but never bad.
Jacob- fucking hell this guy. He’s literally the sweetest man I’ve ever met. He’s always trying to help, and encourage people. If he knows he’s done something wrong he apologizes and does whatever it takes to fix it. He knows I’m short on money, so whenever I’m around he’s always offering to buy me food- or just straight up give me his food. He even bought Sammy’s Christmas present for me, because I’m just too broke to do it. I don’t understand how someone can be that selfless?? Jacob wtf?? You’re too good??
Andrew. What an asshole. I love him though. He- quite frankly- is half the reason I’m so close with the Pathfinder group. I befriended him easier than I befriended the others. He’s the one that got me into Pathfinder. At first he seems quiet, and kinda apathetic, he’s incredibly forgetful. But he cares. I got scared one time that I’d fucked up a friendship, and in his awkward Andrew way, he gave me 3 Magic cards and a hug as comfort. It may not sound like much, but giving away Magic cards is a big deal for Andrew. This nerd is also the reason I met my girlfriend, so yknow.
Admittedly, I’m not as close with Thomas as I am some of the others. His personality clashes with mine, so I don’t typically talk to him one on one. But he’s part of the group. We all poke fun at him, but we all poke fun at everyone. This family of ours wouldn’t be the same without him. It’d be too quiet.
Susannah is a darling. I haven’t seen her as much recently, because she dropped out of the Pathfinder campaign, and I haven’t been at school. But we still talk from time to time here on tumblr, or the very rare occasion we see each other on campus we always stop to give each other a hug and say hello. Because our friend group had a hellish spaghetti mess of relationships, and we had a good relationship through that. The guy I liked liked her, and it was kinda rough, but we just helped each other. Then when that spaghetti mess was over, and I was getting with Sammy, she was one of the people I’d text like â€œHoly shit Sam is so cute HELP”
Molly is the best. She- like Susannah- isn’t in Pathfinder this semester, so I haven’t seen her as much. But she had a similar position in the spaghetti mess but without being so tied to me. She just was right next to Susannah and was super supportive as well. She was the other person I texted about Sam. Cause group chats. I’d text her and Susannah together. But even though we don’t see each other a ton, we’re still close. Hell we’re looking at getting an apartment together next summer.
I really never think I’m that close to Will. He’s very quiet, and he’s not very affectionate, so it’s sometimes hard to tell if he actually likes being around people or he’s just dealing with us. But, after a year of being around him, I’m pretty sure he does actually like us. I think he’s just introverted. He doesn’t want to get in people’s way, so he sits to the side and is quiet. But also, his character in Pathfinder was 110% tryna get another PC laid and Will and Susannah both were willing to let me in on that. So, yeah, pretty sure Will is cool with me. We just have different ways of showing that.
Joey and Adriana I’ll talk about together, because I swear these two are inseparable. When I first met them I thought they were dating, but no they’re just very affectionate- and I can’t blame them for that. I’m the same way with Scott and Trevi. I’ve still not gotten to talk to them a ton, but the conversations I’ve had with them have been good. They seem very light hearted on the surface, just comparing ourselves to our characters, but really that says a lot about us. 
Freddie and Michael, I’ll also put together. Not because they’re together all the time, but because I have less to say about them. I don’t know either as well, but they’re both very warm people. It’s easy to become friends with these two. Freddie loves to rub my hair, cause of course half of it is shaved. Michael’s just akin to a ray of sunshine tbh. 
Trevi. Where do I even start? To just say you’re my friend isn’t enough. You’re more than that. You’re fun to be around and talk to, and dance with. You’re relatable and silly and serious and helpful and supportive. You’ve given me a place to sleep when I was too tired to go home. When you graduated I was terrified of you leaving, either going back home or going out to Cali to get a doctorate, cause I knew you’d talked about it. I didn’t wanna lose you. I’d just gotten to know you. Then you stayed here, and I’m glad. Cause you’re my friend and I love you. A couple weeks ago as you were leaving you signed “I love you”. You had your back turned but there was a window in front of you, so idk if you saw, but I signed it back. Cause I really do.
Now Scott. You sir, have literally changed my life. I would not have met most of the people I’ve talked about. I’d have met Trevi, but without D&D as a common ground, idk that we’d have ended up so close. So thank you, for introducing me to D&D. Thank you for being my DM. Because honestly, no matter how many DMs I have, no matter how great they are. You will always be my DM, because you were the first. And now, you’re graduating. You’re leaving school, and you’re going to Columbia. I’m gonna miss you. As selfish as it is, I don’t want you to leave. I’m glad you’re going to keep moving forward, as we all should. But fucking hell will I miss you. You’ve led me on adventures, fighting monsters and demons, I’ve made pacts with Eldritch gods and become War itself. So you go. You go, live your adventures. Write your stories and play your parts. Keep Moving Forward. But you better get your ass back here and visit from time to time okay? Cause I’m gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss your free hugs, and the meowing, and the hair ruffles, and hugs so tight I feel like you’re bout to crack a rib, and the games, and the stories, and just everything. I’m gonna miss you, and I love you.
This past year, and every one of the people I’ve mentioned have changed me. There’s more people I could talk about. Alea, and Brooke, and Tommy, and Sammy, and Tahli, and Sebastian, and Kenna. My actual family. My cousin and my best friend, who I don’t feel the need to write about, because duh I appreciate them. Duh I love them. Tommy and Sammy who’ve both had their own impacts. Who have both changed my life in their own ways. Then Tahli, Kenna, and Sebastian. My nieces and nephew. Tahli, who wormed her way into my heart in an instant, and got me to a place where I actually cared for the other two. Because for so long I shrugged at Kenna. She lives across the country she’s not gonna know me. But then when Sebastian came along, I was so used to Tahli and her reaction any time I walk in the door. Then Sebastian got hurt, and it wrecked me. Because no, he’s tiny, he’s fragile, this shouldn’t happen to a six month old baby. I was so scared to hold him at Thanksgiving because I didn’t want to hurt him. 
I just. I love my friends. I love that I can say that. Because two years ago I hardly had friends to love, and I certainly didn’t feel like they should love me back. Last year I had a few more friends, and I was feeling a bit better about myself. But this year I’ve realized. It’s not just that I have friends that I love. But that they love me just as much. During intermediate acting Abby called me a yankee candle, cause I apparently had a warm, homey, aura. I felt like that was weird, cause I’m so used to being Shadow. I’m used to being ignore, glanced over. But then suddenly, I have friends that won’t do that. Friends that pay attention and love me. I’m still not sure how to handle that, but I’m doing the best I can. 
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brokenfoetus ¡ 7 years ago
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Where I’m At...
Just a general update regarding me etc.... So I sound tested the Synth to make sure it was working properly, I mean since it’s used and all.  Everything seems to be in order, didn’t really have time to test the arpeggiator and sequencer tools. I saw it exists, and I can get to the menu so... that’s good enough for now.  Everything else works so I’m assuming it does as well.  I’ll know for sure soon enough, I just need to get familiar with how the menus work and breeze through the manual some since it’s hard for me to navigate only having touched it yesterday.  Soon enough.... I got ableton up and running but... need to set stuff up to work with gear and other software.... That’s...another whole new thing I need to learn and become familiar with. While the interface they setup is unorthodox compared to other studio and live software, it’s amazing you can just... fucking do so much all in one package... it’s mind blowing... but just like any new software... it’s overwhelming and you don’t know where to begin since everything is in new places lol.  Plus... stuff I used to use separate software for is all together now.  Def a work flow change, but... meh once I really start using it... it’ll become 2nd nature.  Less of a focus until I finish the first electro album.  I have plans for album 2 but.... thing will change and style will evolve. I still plan on it being heavy electro/sample influenced but.. I want to try and incorporate more natural sounds and some live instruments as well.  I do have some natural sounds already as samples but..... ableton will make it easier so... it will happen more often I suppose.  Now that I have the proper medications so I can focus, and no longer feel like I haven’t slept for days after being well rested 24/7...... writing is easier... ideas and note progressions just appear without thinking instead of wrestling with my own brain.....  I need to start remembering to take care of myself though lol. Been pushing myself a little hard getting stuff together and working on the music, I need to remember I was in a depressive state for like... 3 years... so I need to recognize my body isn’t instantly going to hop back into the same energy I had when I was 19.  Aside from that, pieces are falling together. I know for sure I’ll be playing a festival a buddy is setting up next year with side electro project we’re doing.  So that.... is gonna be insanely... fucking fun.  Thankfully I have a year to finish the tracks with him and get my live setup working and us to practice.  As far as my stuff goes? the tracks are insanely close to being finished. As always when I have a moment I go over them and make small adjustments, or if ideas hit me I add them. They’re sounding pretty complete though, at least as far as what I want from them.  I have started writing lyrics, no songs finished yet, just parts of songs I have lyrics that fit the general theme the song is supposed to have. So that’s gonna take a few especially for every track.  Then.... it’s figuring out how to fit it in and the vocal patterns to use.  Then I can record them.   On another good note.... I got my speaker setup from my drummer and once I organize my work space a little he’s going to come over and help me set it up so I have some stuff going into the PC to record, and other stuff going through other devices, but all going to the sound system as well. So I can play and hear and then also record. Which honestly... will be an amazing dream come true for me, it will make my life so much easier.  I’m nowhere near as familiar with equipment, my buddy is a total gear head, so he always fills me in whenever I’m wondering shit about something lol.  So his help setting it up will save me... several hours, or maybe even days getting it done properly lol. Not to mention without him lending me the equipment it wouldn’t be happening at all... I can’t afford shit.  It’s thanks to friends and family donating money as gifts I’m even able to grab any gear and live props at all. I got myself a tiny silk screening setup I only grabbed a small amount because... well I mean I had to buy gear and more important shit, that and I wanna test it and figure it out before I dump a ton of money into it anyway. But.... that means after I grab a few more minor things and have the time, I’m going to make some test run merch to see how it looks.  Nothing amazing, some T-shirts and shit, see how they look with my design ideas. Also came up with a Logo for my project, just need to complete the design so it looks like I actually imagine it.... Ya know... Not Crap.  but the basic sketch I did makes sense and looks nifty. All in all, should be a ton of fun, and will have some adventures coming up. I def know we’re going to do a tour after I get the album finished. We’re more likely than not going to do an actual U.S. tour once everything is ready and laid out.  Don’t have a timeline yet though, and no idea which cities and towns we’re stopping in. Not.... a....Fucking....Clue.... but regardless.... there’s that and the festival next year.  All the support and love from people digging the music has meant the world to me sincerely.  Like any artist I have times of self doubt... and comparing my own work to my most loved artists. but.....thanks to humans like you... I stopped giving myself shit and started making even better stuff....since I appreciated it more.  Now I feel like the crap I write is shit I’d have gotten excited about when I was like.,...22 and diving head first into the industrial club scene....which is a pretty good feeling for an old school Rivethead.  The recent resurgence of industrial (especially old school styles) and experimental weird electro and synthwave, is def playing into my favor since I’m wrapping the music up finally... so the timing of my finding the right treatments and everything has lined up well.  Plus having peers working on similar styles has been amazing... watching other artists grow along side me... def makes the cold void inside feel a little more warm and fuzzy.  We have a torch to carry, bringing the post punk electro legacy to new places while we remain true to ourselves and our art. It’s all quite lovely.....
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