#and i completely botched the timeline

[wield-the-mighty-pen]

I have done further examination of the "longest day ever" and the 5 episodes and special that make it up, and realized that I must have been mistaken in my understanding of the timeline.

We see Adrien fall asleep and even see Nathalie check on him sleeping in Multiplication so my original thought was that this was the end of the canonical day.

However, Multiplication couldn't have taken place after the Paris special as we see the sun rising at the end of the special and the parts of Multiplication that are in "the longest day", are pretty obviously still at night

What we know so far as the timeline:

The events of Risk

The events of Strikeback

The events of Evolution

After this is where it gets tricky, We know at some point Adrien must have fallen asleep, but the time of night that we see him asleep versus the time that we see him awake, implies that at some point, he wakes up.

What might be a considerable clue of what the episode order is, is the fact that Adrien, at the start of the Paris special, rather than focusing on his recent conversation, is still stressing about what he did to Monarch.

Additionally, we see Adrien fall asleep with a phone laying on his chest, it would have been very easy for the alert from Ladybug to have woken him up (I'm pretty sure Adrien is canonically a light sleeper) and gotten him to head to the Grevin Museum

This seems to imply that Multiplication takes place prior to Destruction and Destruction (which is still nighttime) would be prior to the Paris Special.

All of this considered, I offer the amended timeline of "the longest day ever":

The events of Risk

The events of Strikeback

The events of Evolution

The events of Multiplication

The events of Destruction

The events of The Paris Special

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

and please ignore Adrien, Tom, and Sabine all changing from their pajamas into regular clothes

[shawnxstyles]

don’t keep driving

DATE: FEBRUARY 4, 2023

summary: when your morning starts off on the wrong foot, a certain celebrity cuts you off and makes it even worse. this causes you and harry to bicker before he gets on stage, leaving things unsaid. being his security, you were forced to work around him. while he’s performing, harry makes sure to leave you flustered enough to come into his dressing room at the end of the night.

request: yesss

words: 6.6k

warnings: SMUT (f- receiving [choking, slight orgasm denial], degrading, daddy kink, praise kink, size kink, protected sex (consent is not directly implied here, always ask for consent!), dirty talk), language, and loads of dialogue (especially at the end)

note: the timeline here is completely different from his actual tour. i did describe the la night 8 outfit and a few real incidents that occurred from other shows lmao, but everything else is obviously fictional. enjoy!! harry masterlist

famous!harry x security!reader

—

You weren’t the type of person that gets irritated easily. Patience was your forte throughout your whole life, meaning you were rarely impatient to the point of madness.

However, unlike most of your life, you were a little more ticked off today than usual.

It started when your alarm didn’t wake you up this morning. You were so tired from the previous night, you passed out on the sofa in your living room. Your phone was left in your purse and therefore, making you frantically get ready this morning before heading to work.

Then you stopped to get some coffee because last night’s shift was a drag. You didn’t want to feel like crawling out of your skin again. You sipped your drink in the car, on your way to work. You nearly spit it across your windshield when you tasted the bitterness. Looking at the labeling, they completely botched your order with a black coffee. Was a vanilla latte that hard?

Setting the burnt-tasting liquid in a cup holder, you focus on driving. You try to keep your calm, hands gripping the wheel harshly. Traffic was packing up, making you later and later for work. Your head throbbed in stress as you sharply inhaled with a scowl on your face. You pressed the radio on to fill the road raged air. The very much overplayed “As It Was” plays throughout your speakers, making you roll your eyes. Once you exited the freeway, all you had to do was get through a few lights. Just a few stoplights and you would be at work.

Just breathe.

A flashy, red sports car speeds past you, swaying in its lane carelessly. It swerves in front of you, cutting you off entirely. You huff, slamming down on your breaks and honking your horn. You thank heavens that no one is behind you as you switch lanes aggressively and smash the gas pedal to accelerate to his speed. You catch up to the vehicle and glare at the figure. You almost couldn’t believe it.

Ironically, Harry Styles is driving with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on his phone. He grins at the small screen, eyes flicking up and down from the road. You both arrive at a red stop light, breaking ferociously over the white line. The sight of his casualness angers you as you beep again. His head is alerted left toward your car. With knitted eyebrows and a death stare, you flip him off.

As he sits frozen and shocked, you accelerate through the now green light, leaving him in the dust. For some reason, a hint of a smile curls on your lips as you roll into the private parking lot. You show your ID card and pull into the security area. In your rear view mirror, Harry follows closely behind you, parking in a different section.

You smirk to yourself, knowing you gladly flipped off none one other than the Harry Styles.

—

You slip through the crowded hallways, anxious from the high-pitched screaming coming from the stadium. The closer it gets to showtime, the more anticipation fills up to the room and leaves everyone on high-alert.

It’s just like any other night.

You worked security at the Kia Forum. Ear piercing screams, blinding lights, and chaotic energy surrounded you almost every night. You knew some people would kill for a job that monitors and guards their favorite bands, and you were immensely grateful, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get stressed out and exhausted by the end of the week.

To add, you worked at the Kia Forum, not for the artist. Meaning, you were not directly affiliated with the band or artist performing there. Many people got confused and begged you for an autograph, but it was rare you talked one on one with the musicians for longer than a minute. Working at the forum helped you to not get attached to certain artists because you got to see a variety of artists every day, so you were never obsessing over one. Again, people would kill for your job.

But out of all the people you’ve worked security for, Harry Styles had to be the… most contradicting and unexpected. At least to you.

You’ve seen hundreds of videos of him online and he seemed like the perfect man with the perfect face. He was kind, charming, and had an old-man sense of humor. His figure was exceptional, making teenage girls fawn over him until they faint (you’ve witnessed it). He’s performed at the forum too many times to count (14 times if you were counting though) and each time he acts the same. Funny. Charming. Delightful. Engaging. Sexy. Emotional. Blah blah blah.

Fans don’t see the side of him that you see. Sometimes, you don’t even think his crew or friends see it. He was one of the only artists that you’ve talked to for more than a minute. And every minute you spent practically spitting at each other, you felt your time being wasted. Truly, Harry was cocky, vain, and couldn’t care less about your feelings. The only appropriate way to act was to deflect his own attitude back at him. You weren’t going to put him on a pedestal just because he was a celebrity; he was a person just like anyone else. You’ve only known him for a total of a few weeks; tonight would be his 15th time at the forum since you’ve worked here. However, the car incident today was your last nerve. Thankfully, this was his last night here before Love on Tour finally traveled out of the country.

Shaking your head, you wash away all of the pounding thoughts in your head. You rush around the back rooms in anticipation and anxiousness. Scurrying through the endless hallways, your foot snags in a random extension cord too quickly to balance yourself. Bracing for the fall, your arms extend out, only to be caught by the man whose name is plastered around the arena tonight. Tattooed arms lift you up to your feet as you try to balance yourself, chest pushing off of his chest. A smirk rises on his lips at your proximity as you roll your eyes until they touch the back of your skull.

“A thank you would be much appreciated,” Harry doesn’t remove his arms from beneath yours, keeping you closer than you’d like to be.

You swallow, green eyes piercing yours addictingly. You quickly glance at his outfit; a pastel pink T-shirt with a sequin teddy bear and blue leather pants. Harry Styles, the image, was adorable, sweet, and sexy— something you could’ve admitted at one point in your life. But since you’ve had your eyes opened by Harry, the real one, your blood boils every time he speaks, arrogance laced in his tongue. He was immature, and his childlike mannerisms crumpled any belief that ever found him endearing or sensible.

The only thing that may be sensitive was his ego, which made Mount Everest look small in comparison. Even though he did somehow manage to make a teddy bear shirt sexy, you would never in a million years tell him that.

“You were in my way,” You grumble, pushing yourself off of him. Your fingers felt the valley of his abs through his shirt as you brushed over them swiftly. Swallowing thickly, you stand in front of him with a locked jaw, acting like you didn’t just feel down his torso.

“If anythin’, y’were in my way—”

“Oh, sorry, did I ruin your makeup? Boo hoo. I didn’t ask for you to catch me!” You taunt and shout, eyes furrowed in irritation.

“Think I’d just let you fall?” His tone was surprisingly soft, and in some way, convincingly genuine, but you ignored it.

“Yes, I think that’s exactly what you’d do,” You click your tongue as your eyes bulge from their sockets. Harry’s nose flares while his lips are pursed tightly together.

“That doesn’t make me look good though, does it, darling?” Now, he tries to act soft, sweeping some of your hair to the side. You swat his ringed fingers away in disgust, infamously rolling your eyes. The trace of his fingers left a burning trail on your skin.

“And texting while driving does? Let’s all hail Harry for being such a great role model!” Your arms cross as your eyes roll dramatically for the hundredth time this minute. “For all I know, you were probably sexting some French model.”

Harry instantly remembers a few hours ago, when he was driving unsafely near the forum. He continuously stared at the adorable video on the screen instead of the road, accidentally cutting you off when he swerved into your lane. He cringes at the memory and your comment. As you spin away from him with annoyance sizzling off of you, he grips your elbow and swings you around to face him again. Your body twirls irritatingly too close to him as he holds you tightly by your elbows.

“S‘important,” It wasn’t really. It was just a heartwarmingly sweet video of his Goddaughter getting her nails officially done for the first time. He doesn’t know why he pulled you back toward him. He knows you didn’t like him and would rather breathe poisonous chemicals than the air surrounding him. But for some reason he needed you to know that he wasn’t texting some French model.

How did he mess up that bad?

“Sexting is more important than your life?” Your eyebrows lift as your eyes hang wearily at his dumb statement.

“Since when do y’care about my life?”

“I don’t. I care about other people’s lives. Which you endangered with your reckless driving!” Your shouts echo throughout the halls as the screams from the stands get more noisy and impatient for Harry’s arrival. “You have such a God-complex. Thinking you’re always right,” You grumble with a head shake.

“But if m’not right then that makes y’right, huh? So who really has the ‘God-complex’?” A smirk crawls up his face, arrogance inflating his ego. You huff under your breath, eyes squinting tiny daggers into his soul. Your skin boils with angered heat, fists bawling to contain it.

“Two minutes, Harry! Need you under the stage now!” A crew member jogs and calls for him across the way. Harry sincerely smiles in affirmation as the member slips back underneath the stage.

“Why do you act like you’re so high and mighty all the time? Just because you’re famous doesn’t mean you get to break the law!” You practically spit in his face.

“I break more things than you’d like to know,” He licks his lips with his unexpected innuendo, causing your heart to randomly speed up. His cocky attitude triggered you more than you would like to admit.

“That’s it! Your ego. Somebody needs to humble you.”

“I would say I’m quite humble. You are not.”

“Maybe that big ego is to make up for something,” You fire at him before he could continue to say a snarky comment back. You fold your arms as his face freezes and his words stop. He clicks his tongue as a psychotic laugh suddenly tumbles from his throat. You furrow your eyebrows at him concerningly.

“You are so fuckin’ in for it,” His voice is deep near your ear as he slips past you, jogging away. You didn’t know you were holding your breath until you walked out into the arena, bursting with lively energy and high-levels of anticipation. As best as you could, you shake off the sound of Harry’s voice; demanding, alluring, and almost… lustful.

You approach one of your co-workers, who is also one of your best friends, and greet her with a fist bump. The barrier was surrounded by guards to begin with, so your presence probably wasn’t needed, but the cash was good for a night shift. And plus, the shows were extremely fun, even if they were for Harry Styles.

—

You might not care for Harry, but his fans were something else. Laughter bubbles up in your throat from reading their ridiculous and out-of-pocket posters.

The jumbo-tron pans to a large white poster that says ‘DADDY?’, causing Harry to shift his attention that way. He stares at the sign, holding back a devilish smirk that you knew all too well.

“Yes?” He says, smile breaking as his laughter echoes in the microphone. Everyone screams so ridiculously loud, you swear there wasn’t a single person silent. “All I can say is, yes?”

The fans continue to scream at his taunting and devilish behavior. Your mouth falls open and you gasp, wondering if it’s true or if he’s just doing it for the fans. You imagine using the name in bed, and heat rushes up to your face when you imagine Harry with you. If he was anything like he was on stage, he was probably into edging and choking as well. He constantly “edged” the audience and pretended to choke himself during one of his songs. Your eyes blur as your body begins to sweat from the lewd idea; Harry’s hand around your neck while he fucks you so deep your eyes are rolling back for a new reason other than his cockiness. You curse at yourself and rapidly shake your head because Harry was the last person you should be having dirty thoughts of.

As the night goes on, Harry eventually transitions into “Keep Driving”, which he has been waiting for all night. Ever since you and Harry’s conversation in the hallway, he hasn’t stopped thinking about you. He hasn’t forgotten the way your hand traced his abdomen and how warm your face felt under his fingertips. He especially didn’t forget your little comment. He peers at the back of your head as the intro starts, his hands resting tightly around the microphone. He starts singing, excitedly waiting for the bridge.

You actually really liked his music, and it frustrated you sometimes that he was so annoying because it made it hard to appreciate. However, as a new song begins you face your attention to the popstar smoothly singing the words.

“Passports and footwells, kiss her and don’t tells,” Harry sings, eyes gliding toward yours as he winks. A group of girls screams happily behind you, but you had a strange feeling it wasn’t for them. Your heart jumps as you watch his eyes drift away to other parts of the audience. You continue to watch him with squinted eyes and a chewed lip, trying to decipher why he just did that.

The entire crowd sings along to the absurd and random bridge, everyone putting their full heart into it. It was endearing to see so many people coming together to appreciate a common interest. A reason you loved this job was because you loved music, and every day it reminded you of how many people loved it just as much.

“Cocaine, side boob, choke her with a sea view,” Harry motions his hand towards his throat, pretending to choke himself. You notice how he pinches the sides without gripping all the way, wondering if he did that on purpose or not. When it comes to choking (as a sexual act), it is important to not fully wrap a hand around their neck, so they don’t… well, pass out or die. If he knew that, that must mean he’s into it…

His green eyes locked on yours for every word of that line, his mouth wide as he husked out the lyrics. You swallow, heart racing as familiar heat creeps up your neck. Before you could look away, he removes his hand from his own neck and points directly at you. Your eyes widen as you forget to breathe, coughing on your flusteredness.

What. The. Fuck?

With uneven and strangled breaths, you tell one of your co-workers that you feel unwell and need to use the restroom. He nods understandably and you jog to the nearest bathroom.

As Harry continues to perform, he notices you vanished. He wasn’t sure when, but your figure was no longer stuck standstill to the left of the stage after he finished Matilda and Little Freak. Something in him pangs with pain, but he assumes it’s from the depressing songs he just sang. He doesn’t have enough time to ponder and find the real answer because the delicate Satellite intro begins to play throughout the arena. He begins to sing just like he has all night, but he can’t keep his eyes from wandering to that empty gap between all the workers.

—

The iconic and chaotic screams of tonight become only a memory as the show ends. Thousands of stylish people begin to leave the arena safely with the help of security like yourself. However, you left the room right when the show ended because you were too unwell to say the least.

When you came back from the bathroom after Harry’s little choking charade, you came back to him dancing and singing as if nothing happened. As the night continued on, his enchanting eyes would hook onto yours for a second too long. Every time he strategically moved, hand sliding seductively down his torso or hips swaying sexily, his eyes would burn holes in your skin.

Saying you were flushed and flustered during the concert was an understatement; you felt like you were bathing in a sauna on a summer day. The anger that bubbled under your heated skin didn’t help in cooling you down; it only made you more furious that his little antics affected you so easily. You tried to deny the fact that he was looking directly at you by rolling your eyes, but when he did it more than occasionally with that infamous smirk on his face, it confirmed the theory.

You pushed through the authorized doors, sweating under your uniform. You were determined to find him and talk to him. In some twisted way, you felt like he had some power over you now. Like he had won this stupid little war you had. You knew he knew what he was doing, and you were sure he had an idea of how it made you feel. You didn’t like that.

When your blazing eyes discover his dressing room door, you pound your clenching fist against it. You don’t wait for him to answer before opening the door impatiently yourself.

“Harry—” Your words get caught in your throat as you eye the half naked man in front of you. Harry stands shirtless across the small room, sweat glistening on his tattooed skin as a towel rests upon his shoulder. He casually turns around, an unamused expression on his face. You gulp, pushing all your feelings down. “What the fuck was that?”

“What was what?” Harry asks innocently as he dabs the towel over his sheer skin. You try not to avert your eyes from his face, but he’s making it incredibly difficult to not look at his toned abs and arms.

“The hand! On the neck!” You whisper-shout at him as he nonchalantly strides closer to you and lays the towel on the couch. You remain angry as he stands in front of you with a guiltless look on his face.

“I beg your pardon?” He politely states with huge eyes, causing you to growl and nearly punch him in the mouth. Maybe if you did it hard enough, he would never talk again. You heavily considered it.

“Th-the choking thing!” You stumble over your words out of frustration. His body radiated heat that you were close enough to feel, heart pounding unwillingly in your chest from the sudden proximity.

“Ohh, you mean this?” Harry delicately rests his ringed hand over your neck, any word you even thought about saying got caught in your throat.

His fingertips press lightly against the pulses on your neck, metal digging into your skin delightfully. You attempt to swallow your saliva as your heart beats crazily. After a few seconds, your vision gets slightly dizzy and your heart stammers faster and faster. He releases the pressure, hand remaining lightly around your throat. You take heavy breaths, looking up at him as flames light up in your irises.

“Har—”

“Ah ah, no talking yet. I think you’ve done enough of that,” He demands deeply with a threatening press to your pulse. You obey with a heavy puff as he releases, not having much of a choice. Being right next to the door, his opposite hand twists the tiny lock, trapping you inside.

“Do you remember what you said before I went on?” As your mind flashes through the memories of tonight, you’re reminded of a handful of things you said to him. But you didn’t know which one he was referring to, so you shake your head. “My ego. You said it was so big it must make up for something. What did you mean by that?”

Your eyes widen as heat crawls up your skin quickly. Harry can feel you gulp against his hand as you remember the underlying reason behind the insult.

Harry knew what you meant, he just wanted to hear you say it. Your little bursts of anger gave him enjoyment and relief, especially after 15 shows working together. The acid that spat from your mouth always ignited a fire inside of him that he’s never felt from anyone else. He never understood it, but when he was on stage and saw how flustered you were, it finally clicked. Your little comment earlier gave him an opportunity.

“Your dick is small,” You grumble, looking down at the carpeted floor.

“What was that?”

“Your dick. Is. Small.” You emphasize every repeated word with an irritating puff. Like earlier, a psychotic chuckle elicits from his mouth, scaring you from his unknown thoughts.

“I don’t like your big, bratty attitude.”

“It’s nowhere near as big as your ego.”

With your words and his rippled laughter, the last thing you expected him to do was kiss you. It was sloppy and hungry as he ripped apart your jacket until the zipper broke. You gasp as it falls to the floor around you, allowing him to slip his tongue dangerously into your agape mouth. His lips move in rhythm against yours, teeth clanging with desperation. Your hands intertwine with his damp curls and you tug them viciously. A groan elicits from his throat as his hand tightens around your neck. He pulls away, both of you heaving from the intensity and heat.

“What the–”

“No talking. Got it, brat?” His grasp is strong against you, rings pinching your skin tastefully. Your cunt aches underneath the tight fabric of your uniform, frustratingly horny from his appeal. His muscles bulk as he chaotically unbuttons your pants, yanking them down thighs.

You hastingly flip off your shoes, cursing at yourself for giving into him. His rough palms on your skin set you on fire; shots of electricity soaring straight to your clit. The blinding pinches of his fingers around your throat create a pool of arousal in your panties, and it disgusts you how turned on you are from him.

“How wet are you right now?”

“Drier than a desert,” You lie through gritted teeth as he pushes you harsher against the wall.

“I’ll see about that.”

Following his own word, his free hand slips past your underwear and cups your pussy. A strangled noise leaves you at the feeling of his bare hand touching you so vulnerably. He has you at his mercy, for once not being able to fight back. Instinctively, you grind once over his rugged palm needily and he growls at your heavy arousal.

“Fuckin’ brat,” He spits, rubbing against your heat ferociously. For the first time tonight, you moan unwilling at his movements, hands grasping securely on his shoulder blades.

With a smug smirk, Harry continues to itch your clit, giving you a blissful friction that has your eyes rolling. Your stomach tenses as you bite your lip forcefully, containing all of your noises. You almost forget about his hand on your neck until he presses along your pulses. Stars begin to gloss over your vision as heated lust fogs up your mind. You feel your body float into the sky until you're seeing the clouds of pure ecstasy surround you.

As the burning blood runs through your veins again, you take a deep breath that causes you to moan out loudly. You slap a hand over your own mouth at your foolishness, knowing that anyone could hear you and know exactly what was going on.

You see, Harry is famous. He can get away with a lot of things like sleeping with a fan or maybe even texting and driving. But you, an average security worker, could not. If someone knew what you were doing right now, you’d be fired on the spot.

However, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care as Harry slots a slender finger inside of you. You whimper at how easily he slipped it in. You were so fucking turned on, you could fix the drought. He simply curls his digit as you clutch around him, causing him to hiss.

Harry removes his hand from your panties, causing your eyes to shoot open and glare at him angrily. He brings your wetness up to his mouth and widens, sucking away all of your juices from his fingertips. Your chest heaves at the sight, exasperated and outraged that he’s having so much fun with this.

“For someone so hostile, you taste very sweet,” His taunts, making you growl. You try to push him off of you because you were sick of him. Sick of his games and sick of his ego. Way too sick of his ego. You didn’t have time for this. But he holds you secure by locking you to the wall with his hand. “Nuh uh, we’re not done just yet. We haven’t even gotten to the fun part. You know, where I show you you’re wrong.”

With a skillful hand, he unzips his trousers and tears your panties off your body. You gasp, shocked at how impulsive he’s being. He pushes his briefs down until they’re around his ankles. His cock springs free, large and leaking. His tip is pink followed by several veins running along the sides. You can see its neglect, aching and desperate– you can feel the pain. But your heart stammers wildly in your chest when you really comprehend his size. He was thick and bulky, but also long and lengthy. It almost looked fake because it was so surreal. People would pay big money for that, and having an idea of his income, maybe he had.

“Did you pay for that? Because there is no way,” You whisper breathily in the heated silence. He magically slips on a miraculous condom that he must have gotten while you were daydreaming in a haze. Of course, he just has condoms with him. He chuckles hoarsely and shortly as he leans closer toward your ear.

“All natural, baby,” He rasps from the aftermath of singing all night. His breath is soft and electrifying on your skin, causing your cunt to throb with undeniable desire.

His thumb rests on your pulsating clit, petting it delicately, unlike the roughness of his hand on your throat. Your thighs clench, sensitive because he’s being such a tease. He runs his fingertips over your wetness as more begins to leak out of you, his cold, metal rings grazing the skin of your inner thighs.

“What is taking you so long? Scared your fake dick is going to fall off?” You strangle out your snarky words from behind his choking grasp. He clenches his teeth in annoyance as he grips your supple thigh and hooks it around his hip.

“I was going to ask if you were ready, but since you want to be so impatient, I don’t really give a fuck anymore,” And with that, he thrusts inside of you completely.

Harry tucks himself deep in you, giving you no mercy with his vicious movements. Your nosy moan echoes throughout the tiny dressing room, but you didn’t have enough self-awareness to stop it. His thick cock stretches out your walls so deliciously, your pussy constricts snuggly around him. He groans at your tightness, wet and warm all around him. He plunges brisker into you, addicted to the feeling of your velvety cunt wrapping him.

Your legs tremble with his powerful propels. If he wasn’t pinning you with his cock wrathfully into the wall, you’re sure your legs would give out from underneath you. You squeeze your leg hooked on his hip, bringing him closer and deeper inside of you. You both share a collective groan at the new feeling, touching a place that sends you both into overwhelming bliss.

“Still small?” He husks smugly as his hand caresses the nape of your neck, controlling your pulses. Harry moans when you grind your hips into his, rubbing against his shaft mesmerizingly.

“I’m,” You try to contain your moan in order to drain his satisfaction, “unimpressed.”

“Really? How about I go deeper?” Like before, he lifts up your other leg, latching your body completely to his. You gasp as you leave the ground, hands digging into his shoulders brutally. He shoves you against the wall, fingers restricting your airflow as he slams into harsher than before.

Harry rams inside of you at a new angle, intensifying the pleasure to an even higher level than before. His thrusts are brutally quick, as if he was trying to win a race. Losing your grip, one of your hands falls down his crafted torso, tracing his toned and tattooed skin. Your eyes roll back in pure ecstasy as you lose reality. You feel your spirit leave your body; you swear you were dangling above yourself. With your lack of oxygen, the world slowly slips away from you in a lustful haze. If you died now, you would be beyond pissed because you were with Harry, but at least you had the best sex of your whole life.

But you would never, in a million years, tell Harry that.

His coarse hand drags down your abdomen, leaving a blaze in its trail. His rugged thumb circles hastingly over your bud, causing flashes of your orgasm to appear in view at the sensation. As your head begins to drop forward, Harry releases the blinding pressure from your neck and slams his hand on the wall to balance on. You desperately inhale, craving the oxygen to bring you back to the present.

When your stomach tightens and you squeeze around his length, it alerts you both that you were on the brink of your orgasm. The overwhelming pleasure from his cock doesn’t miss to prevail over you as he jabs your cunt with no sympathy. Your nails scratch along his butterfly tattoo that sits beautifully in between you both, almost too innocent to be involved in such a sinful act. The head of his shaft repeatedly hits your g-spot, eliciting loud cries from your mouth. He doesn’t try to quiet you.

“Tell me, Y/N. Tell me who’s making you feel this good,” Harry demands as he rocks and flicks his hips skillfully. You were too desperate and way too close to reply with a sassy remark. However, your mind flashes over the memory of tonight when Harry read that sign. That sign. You knew if you didn’t listen to him he would take it away from you.

You hated how he had so much control over you. But your body thought otherwise.

“You! You’re making me feel so good, Daddy,” Breathless moans and mewls tumble from your mouth as your climax shakes your whole body. “So deep.”

He growls heavily against your ear, your body vibrating from the effect. A devilish smirk haunts your lips at how affected he is by the simple name, and in some way, you felt like you had a centimeter of his control.

“Daddy, huh? God, you’re such a slut,” He grunts, squeezing the back of your neck as he twitches inside of you. “Am I still small? Hm?”

“N-no, you’re big, Daddy. So deep inside of me. Fuck, I’m gonna come,” You whine embarrassingly as your head shakes against the wall.

“Come, Y/N. Come all over my big cock,” He husks in your ear as you continue to thrash on the wall. To silence you, Harry catches your lips with his. Your pussy tightens around his length as your orgasm waves over you. Your body and mind submerges into a blissful fog as your climax surrounds him. His thrusts become languid and messy as he feels your cum soak his cock. Your tongue slips graciously along his pink lips, helping him finish. If you weren’t in an orgasmic haze, you would have walked out and left him edged.

With a string of profanities against your lips, his length spasms against your walls. His cum shoots into the condom, and within a few moments, his movements still.

Heavy breathing, hearts racing, muscles trembling, and sweat glistening, you two stand with your bodies pressed together. You swallow at the awkward aftermath because you didn’t think this far. You never even thought this was a possibility in any universe.

You just had sex with Harry. Oh shit.

He watches as you come to the realization. You quickly push him off of you and pull up your pants. You wince when you notice that you have no underwear because Harry tore them to shreds. Slipping on your shoes, Harry saunters over to his vanity and wraps a towel around his waist.

“Don’t act so terrified, Y/N,” His familiar cocky and nonchalant character was back like normal, and in all honesty, it gave you some type of comfort. His attitude gave you an excuse to be irritated and allowed you to shift away from the awkwardness that remained wrapped around your throat. Even if he was across the room from you now, you could still feel the tight grasp of his ringed fingers pinching your neck. You had a feeling that everything he did would now somehow remind you of sex with him.

“How are you so okay right now? Do you just do this with everyone?”

“What do you mean?”

“So you just bring people back here after every show and have sex with them?”

“Bloody hell, Y/N. No, I don’t do that,” He practically winces from your accusation, and you subconsciously relax your muscles at his denial. “Never done that actually.”

“So then what was this?”

“Technically, you came in here,” He pins you with a knowing look and you roll your eyes with a huff.

“Just so you know, no one can know about this, okay? And I know you probably couldn’t give less of a shit, but I could be fired,” Your jaw ticks as your eyes wander around the room, refusing to look at him directly.

“I won’t tell anyone. Promise,” Although he is a cocky and sarcastic jerk, you can’t help but realize that his tone is one hundred percent genuine. With a simple nod, you take his word for it and start to exit the room.

“By the way, you owe me new underwear.”

“Anything you like in particular?” With your hand on the knob, you think for a moment.

“I want one of everything. I know it won’t even put a dent in your pocket, but I like to think that I did,” As his chuckle fills your ears, it becomes more and more distant as you exit the small room. Security and crew buzz around the hallways, shocking you frozen immediately. You’re praying that nobody saw you walk out of Harry’s room, let alone heard you five minutes ago.

“Y/N! There you are. Did you know that the crew had a prank war under the stage? It was so funny, God, you just had to be there. And I was laughing my ass off when Harry’s bus left without Harry,” Your co-worker pats your shoulder as she laughs. In any normal circumstance, you would join in on her hysterics, but a small gasp leaves your mouth as your hand covers your lips.

“They left?”

“Yeah. They always leave in a rush I guess,” She replies to your question and then rambles on about the pranks from the crew. Your head turns back to peer at Harry’s dressing room door. You notice that the little paper with his name has been removed from the slot.

Everything was too chaotic for anyone to know where he was.

Now, that’s hilarious.

You subtly giggle as you and your friend trail down the hallway. In the back of your mind, you imagine Harry sitting all alone in the room. He probably had a valet take his car, so now he had nothing. You assumed most of his belongings were on the bus, and maybe that even meant his phone. Impulsively, you tell your friend you have to go to the bathroom and turn around. You head back to his dressing room and enter without knocking this time. Unlike before, he’s fully dressed with an annoyed look on his face. You tuck your lips inside of your mouth, trying to contain your giggles at his irritation of the situation.

“You know they left? Without me? How do they even do that?!” You can’t hold it back anymore as your laughter ripples from you. You cover the noise with your hands, but it’s no use.

“They probably realized they don’t really like you anymore.”

“Oh, ha ha. So funny, Y/N,” Harry says facetiously and rolls his eyes as he stuffs everything in his small carry-on bag. “I feel like this is the moment where you offer me a ride.”

“Mm only if I get something out of it.”

“Anything you want I can probably get it, let’s just go,” He ushers you both out of the door and when you walk into the hallway this time, it’s empty. You don’t hear a peep as you trudge through the carpeted walkways all the way outside to the secure parking lot. You get to your car and you both slip inside when you unlock it.

“You know, I expected better from you.”

“I will leave you here,” You glare at him from across the console.

“I can get you a car. Do you want the one I was driving earlier? The red reminds me of how ferocious you are all the time.”

“You mean the one that you nearly killed me with? No thanks,” You shove the key into the ignition and reverse out of the deserted area. “You know, you never told me what you were actually doing on your phone anyway.”

“Oh, I was looking at a video of my Goddaughter. She was getting her nails painted,” He smiles softly, recalling the short clip of her pure happiness.

“Sounds adorable, but that was still wrong,” He groans and slams his head against the heat rest. You smile smugly in satisfaction as you speed through the empty roads of LA, completely contradicting your opinion.

His bus leaving was like perfect karma that was made to humble him. Maybe Harry wasn’t the worst person ever. As long as you had the wheel.

—

tags: @crybabyddl @raajali3

[aethon-recs]

Hi! Thank you for all your recs. I have downloaded most of them and read most of them during my 2 weeks family vacation. They were great. I was wondering if you could recommend me any tomarry crack fics that are hilarious.

This was such a fun ask, thank you for sending this in! I had a ton of fun revisiting some old favorites in this ship that made me laugh and cry-laugh and then laugh some more. As I was rereading and sorting through the fics on this list, I noticed a few recurring themes that came up... coffeeshop AUs, social media fics, funeral-themed fics(!???), and a myriad of food-themed fics. 

I really hope you enjoy this selection of hilarious silly clever witty cracky takes on Tomarrymort 🤍

*

Tomarrymort Crack Recs

A Slice of Heaven by jellybeantarot (M, 3k, complete)

Tom is a sex worker under an agency that masks as a pizzeria, Harry orders a large sausage pizza, and yep, that's a dick in a pizza box.

almost got in a knife fight after work (a thread) / things i’ve learned since dating knife boy (a follow-up thread) by chaoscookiescrimes  (T, 2k, complete)

just Harry @'thechosenone' All im saying is a pocketknife is a purchase you’ll almost never regret.

and they were roommates by @purplemineralwater (M, 3k, complete)

Tom and Harry, roommates and stars of Gogglebox, are adored by their fans. Unbeknown to them, the fans of the show want them to be more than friends.

cam and get it by @swoontodeath (E, 3k, WIP)

Harry Potter isn't one for pornography. He's got a perfectly adequate imagination, thank you very much, not to mention a fully functional right hand. One accidental glimpse of Tom Riddle's arse, though, threatens to change everything.

Coffee Moste Evile by @wynnefic (T, 4k, complete)

After graduating Hogwarts, Tom finds work at Borgin & Burke's, where he diligently sells the darkest of arts(-themed coffee and pastries).

Dark Lord Coffee by @being-luminous (T, 4k, complete)

In which Voldemort runs his empire from a coffee shop, and wizards are generally very ridiculous.

Dearly Beloved by @wynnefic (T, 3k, complete)

Worn down after countless demands, Harry breaks and finally goes on a date with the incredibly ostentatious, vain, and self-absorbed Tom Marvolo Riddle the Third. A few days later, he attends Tom's funeral, which goes much better.

Do You Want Fries With That? (part 1) / Tom's Time Has Fry-nally Come (part 2) by jellybeantarot (T, 16k, complete)

Harry really needed some money, Dumbledore needed someone to dress up as Wendy, and Tom was the only one with the desperation to be Ronald McDonald.

found you sleeping in my coffin by @the-wig-is-a-metaphor (M, 6k, complete)

Harry gets turned into a vampire. For better or worse, Tom is there to help.

Full circle by tetsurashian (NR, 67k, WIP)

Harry and Tom’s souls are tied together. Which is why they’re in this endless loop of rebirth. At some point, they stopped caring and just started fucking with people.

Harry James [Redacted] by @duplicitywrites (T, 24k, WIP)

It had been three weeks since Harry had mistakenly landed in the 1970s, given his name to Dumbledore as Harry James, and been re-Sorted as a Slytherin. He's now broken the timeline, busted his parents' first date, and potentially botched his chances of ever being born. And, just maybe, he's also caught the attention of a certain rising Dark Lord.

Harry Potter and the—Well, Anything But This by @cindle-writes (E, 21k, WIP)

It’s 12 years after the war has ended that Death sends Harry back in time to fix the timeline and save his soulmate. Except there's one catch. Harry has to start over again from his first year.

Hiss Hiss by @vdoshu (G, 1k, complete)

Harry goes to buy himself a pet for Christmas. Tom sees this as an opportunity.

Inventing Paradoxes (part 1) / Deconstructing Paradoxes (part 2) by @perhaps-sunlight (G, 75k, complete)

When budding Dark Lord Tom Riddle overhears a prophecy predicting his demise at the hands of Harry Potter, he hatches a devious and brilliant plan: befriend the enemy, master the power-that-he-knows-not, and then eliminate him.

Keeping Your Human-Child Horcrux Happy in Captivity; A Guide to Enrichment (part 1) / The Horcrux Hotline (part 2) by @cannibalinc (M, 9k, complete)

A self-improvement series for Dark Lords with troublesome human-horcruxes. 

Local Preteens Entrap Murderous Wraith (You Won’t Believe What Happens Next) by @being-luminous (T, 22k, complete)

Harry, Ron, and Hermione discover a spell. They decide to perform it, and no one is pleased with the result.

Magically Delicious by @dividawrites, @duplicitywrites (E, 10k, complete)

Draco Malfoy is selling 'Voldemort Bathwater Boxes' at Hogwarts for questionable, unknown reasons. Harry is more curious than he should be, and this has disastrous consequences for everyone... but mostly for Harry.

no amount of therapy can help by @the-wig-is-a-metaphor (G, 2k, WIP)

The entire internet is aware of occultist youtuber Lord Voldemort's infatuation with niche content creator JustHarry. The entire internet is baffled.

no helping hand by TheOnceandFutureQueenofTarts (M, 2k, complete)

Harry just wants to have a wank; Voldemort just wants to make that as difficult and unsatisfying as possible.

Once a Paw a Time by @youlighttheskyfanfiction (T, 3k, complete)

In which Tom is still Tom, and Harry is a black cat intent on making Tom miserable. Or happy. Who knows? Certainly not Harry the cat who is absolutely just a normal cat.

Oversight by @dividawrites (E, 21k, WIP)

Voldemort’s resurrection ritual doesn’t go as smoothly as he’d planned. He requires assistance and there’s only one person he can ask—the boy tied to his father’s gravestone.

Prison Blues by @metalomagnetic (E, 68k, WIP)

Harry and Voldemort find themselves locked up in a mysterious prison.

r/AITA by @seagate-blog (G, 3k, complete)

A budding relationship seen through the eyes of Reddit posts.

Right in Front of My Salad? by IceLynx (T, 2k, complete)

In which Draco Malfoy is dead in the kitchen, Harry is regretting moving in with his boyfriend, and Tom has never been more in love.

Stories Told at Your Funeral by IceLynx (G, 5k, complete)

Tom Riddle fakes his death. To Harry Potter, the man in charge of Tom's funeral, it's all very vexing. Harry might be an undertaker, but this is a very different undertaking.

Terms and Conditions May Apply by @duplicitywrites (T, 17k, WIP)

Lord Voldemort gets one chance at a new life. This new chance comes with a lot of conditions.

The Potter Problem by Icefall (T, 8k, complete)

During his twenty-fourth time loop, Lord Voldemort meets Harry Potter at a Muggle nightclub.

The Way to a Man’s Heart by @mosiva (T, 26k, complete)

Tom has an unknown nemesis. Harry has Tom’s lunch.

The Voice of Victory by @vdoshu (T, 3k, complete)

Lord Voldemort loves a good villain speech. Harry’s just the sort to interrupt him.

Thigh High by @kushimanii (T, 400, complete)

There, covering Harry’s long, smooth legs, were the most horrifying things Tom had ever seen. And Harry was lying in their bed with them. Tom knew what his new Boggart was.

Until Midnight Comes by @dividawrites (E, 26k, complete)

A few years after the war Harry reluctantly attends a party at Malfoy Manor. He drinks a few too many and runs into a handsome man called Tom. What happens after is definitely not a drunken error in judgement—it’s love at first, blurry sight instead.

Welcome to the Cultys by @duplicitywrites (E, 12k, WIP)

Harry had two main regrets in his life: 1. Asking the question “What if I set up a mock awards show to get cult leaders to show up for my thesis study?” 2. Responding with “That is hilarious” when Ron had suggested they call the awards show 'The Cultys'.

Would You Still Love Me? by @chiocchi (M, comic/artwork, WIP)

"Harry, would you still love me if I was a snake?" Harry knows how this question works. No matter how deranged and unreasonable it is, he has to say yes. A notion he may come to regret once Tom's questions start to get darker and oddly specific.

yer a monster fucker, harry by @exarite (M, 3k, complete)

Voldemort suggests they fake a relationship. It's a reasonable suggestion, so of course Harry says yes.

*

[vulcan-moon]

Hi, just wanted to let you know, a while ago I saw your Maria Robotnik art and it has been living in my brain rent free. Recently I have been trying to actually compile it into a fic, I have completed a prologue chapter. essentially the idea is that in this universe Maria was captured by G.U.N to be used as a bargaining chip for Gerald, Gerald dies shortly after stabilising Maria's condition in a botched escape attempt and both her and Shadow are found in stasis years later by Ivo Robotnik, who takes them in intending to mold them into minions. I was planning to have Maria specialise in biotech from the start, which was supercharged by the reveal of Shadow's new form because holy shit look at it it's so cool.

she lives in my mind rent free too fdksdg

this is a super interesting idea!! it's interesting to see how ideas can bounce back and forth to create different stuff.

in my dr maria au, she doesn't get ill until she's a little older so it ends up throwing the timeline off. she grows up being inspired by gerald and what he does w biology, gets ill, and uses that inspiration and pure spite to find a way to manage her illness. she finds that management in an old prototype she fixes up of the chaos drives to create her own inhibitor rings, and though it's imperfect it gives her more time. she goes on to get funding from the UF to explore chaos and its effect on biology and ends up creating shadow in her 20s (and uses him to help futher manage her illness but dw about it). when she realises GUN wants him as a weapon, she runs away with shadow and goes rogue. she's around the same age as eggman when it lines up w modern day canon

[genericpuff]

If you were to redesign Persephone, what would you do? 👀

Like if I were to completely redesign her? I actually did this a while back but never really posted them because I got wrapped up in Rekindled stuff LMAO but let's see if I can find it!

I don't actually mind Persephone's design in LO, like when you get past the fact it's a self-insert of Rachel, it's not awful. Rachel's just botching the execution because she keeps making everyone look just like her and you can tell she's just a power fantasy for Rachel to live vicariously through. I really liked her pilot and S1 design. She's got that spunk! (even though she's still agregiously oversexualized by Rachel every chance she can get lmao)

And then there was S1 Persephone who was genuinely entrancing when you got her drawn just right with that early art style.

Persephone's design was a lot of what made me fall in love with LO in the first place back in the day so it's a shame to see her turn into the whiny Rachel-resembling Karen she is today :/

BUT ANYWAYS! MY REDESIGNS!

I made these a while ago and they are DEFINITELY not in my Rekindled style because I wasn't trying to mimic Rachel at all. This is sorta why I find it funny when people get on my case about "improving" LO panels because "you're just drawing it in your style and saying your style is better than hers" because if I actually DID draw Lore Olympus in my style, you wouldn't recognize it at ALL lmao (it's almost like the concept of 'style' as it's often seen and used today is just a stupid way for artists and audience members to gatekeep one another 🙄 but that's an essay for another daaaay)

Might be cliche, but I wanted to make Hades genuinely spooky looking, with little whispy shadows coming out of him and creepy dark eyes that most people don't like looking directly at. I wanted him to look like someone who was actually tethered to the Underworld, doomed to remain. As for Persephone, I wanted to give her back her agency and spunk, so she's a LOT more assertive and straightforward and I think I did a pretty good job showing that through how she stands and emotes LOL

Hope you enjoy that peek at an alternate timeline! I had honestly completely forgotten I drew that until you reminded me LOL

[mango-unit]

post number five

holy shit the zelda timeline is a mess.

ok so you got ocarina of time, right? ganondorf plots and schemes to break into the sacred realm, claiming the triforce and becoming the demon king ganon, before a hero rises up to claim the master sword and defeat him. he is thusly sealed away forever.

then he goes back in time and warns the royal fsmily before that ever happens, leading to ganondorfs execution. this causes a paradox, which creates a branch in the timeline: the ganon-is-sealed timeline, and the ganondorf-is-executed timeline.

wind waker takes place after ganon is sealed. once ganon inevitably returns (a la alttp), there is no hero to save them (because link went to the past) and they turn to the gods for help. this adds up neatly.

twilight princess takes place after ganondorf is executed. the royal family botches the execution, and he is sealed into the twilight realm, where his flesh literally re-manifests from the simmering rage and resentment the twili feel for those who live in the light realm. this adds up neatly.

ok, so far were doing pretty good. we have a clearly defined timeline branch after oot, which leads into majoras mask and then twilight princess very neatly, or wind waker and then phantom hourglass to spirit tracks very neatly, depending on which conclusion you go from. then put skyward sword, which is very clearly first, right at the beginning. this is a really solid chronology, right?

yeah. but what about, like… ALL OF THE 2D GAMES.

a link to the past, oracle of ages, oracle of seasons, links awakening, a link between worlds, triforce heroes, the minish cap, four swords, four swords adventures, the legend of zelda, and the adventure of link…

you can make a solid case for a handful of these on the current timeline i just outlined. but how are you supposed to make alttp work, and by extension oox, la, tloz, and taol?

in ocarina of time, the sacred realm is locked behind the master sword, which is locked behind the door of time, which is locked behind the spiritual stones, which are locked behind the different leaders of the various races of hyrule. they very clearly took a lot of precautions to make sure nobody would get into the sacred realm. they were very clearly worried about that threat.

as such, ganondorf needed to do some significant plotting in order to make his way into the sacred realm. the key to his plans was link, the descendant of hylias chosen hero, who is featured in skyward sword. only link would be able to draw the master sword, so even if ganondorf gathered the spiritual stones he wouldnt be able to enter the sacred realm. this is why he scares link into claiming the master sword by casting various curses on the people of hyrule using regular old dark magic.

this is the accepted tale for the sealing war.

now look at the sealing war in a link to the past…

ganondorf and his band of thieves come across the sacred realm completely by accident. zero scheming involved. absolutely no clever displays of his villainous cunning.

as they approach the sacred realm, the eyes of ganondorf and his bandit allies change colors, and they begin to attack eachother in a bloody, violent brawl. the only one left alive is ganondorf, who had killed his closest allies with his own hands. it is then that ganondorf claims the triforce with blood-soaked hands, becoming the demon king, ganon.

his rage flows across hyrule. the people suffer. they pray for a hero to come and save them - none does. the sages hole up in hyrule castle, placing a seal over the sacred realm - one that presumably did not previously exist - and locking ganon inside. the knights of hyrule laid down their lives to protect the sages; almost every last one of them fell in combat. the link in alttp is the descendent of those few courageous souls who lived.

does this sound, at all, like ocarina of time?

like…

in any shape, way, or form.

outside of the key connection of ganondorf entering the sacred realm, becoming ganon, attacking hyrule, and then being sealed in the sacred realm, it sounds like a completely different story. but its the same event, because its… you know… the creation of ganon.

in alttp, none of the precautions we see in oot were taken. ganondorf quite literally waltzes into the sacred realm and then kills all of his closest friends. and in alttp, there was no link present to save them, which is why the knights of hyrule almost completely died out protecting the sages. meanwhile, in oot, link is the essential key component of ganondorfs carefully laid out plan.

how does nintendo resolve this?

“uhhhh…. what if…….. what if link died? like, after claiming the master sword. after cementing himself as a hero by personally awakening the sages and solving everyones problems. what if he just died at the end of the game, and was completely forgotten by history for some reason we dont provide?”

i feel better already.

link dying would not branch the timeline. the other branch, which makes logical sense and has no contradictions, is done through time travel, not hypothetical what-if scenarios. therefore, it only makes sense that link dying is not any sort of canon conclusion that would branch the timeline.

so for now lets place alttp in the ether. it has an event thats equivalent to ocarina of time, but no precautions were taken for the sacred realm, and no link was present to defeat ganon.

after alttp, the triforce sends link to another kingdom which needs his help. twice. it turns out this was to prevent the revival of ganon, who he killed in alttp. however, he ultimately fails to prevent his revival - so instead he just kicks ganons undead ass. this details the events of the oracles games.

after this happens, he starts sailing home, but a nasty storm catches him and he crash lands on kohilint. im not spoiling this game because its fantastic, but lets just say for now that link goes through an ultimatum type experience that makes him rethink the virtue of this whole adventuring thing before finally sailing home. this details the events of links awakening.

i assume he settled down at this point. his descendent stops a plot by the royal family of an inverted kingdom to steal their triforce. this details the events of a link between worlds. (also. gramps is 100% the link from alttp. resigned from adventure, he instead helps train the new hero in an edu-taining way.)

then, the new link heads out to new kingdoms, much like his predecessor did. he winds up in hytopia, where he is enlisted as one of three heroes to break a curse on their princess. this details the events of triforce heroes.

hundreds of years pass. somehow, ganon returned. the zelda of this time breaks apart the triforce of wisdom and sends out impa to find a hero capable of collecting the pieces and using their power to defeat ganon, who wields the triforce of power. (the triforce of courage is locked away in a land distant to the kingdom, north of hyrule. it looks like the royal family got wise and decided to finally take some precautions to prevent somebody from easily claiming the full triforce.) this details the events of the legend of zelda.

the hylians move north. around 7 years later, greater hyrule is established. link notices a triangular mark on his hand and seeks the wisdom of impa, who recognizes it as the triforce of courage. she brings him to an ancient temple long lost to time and pulls out a manuscript written in unfamiliar symbols; the language was forgotten by history. because link bears the triforce, however, he can read it. it tells him where the triforce of courage is held, and it tells the legend of the first generation zelda, who was cursed into a timeless sleep (leading her guilt-ridden brother to decree all future daughters of the royal family would be named zelda). link sets out to find the triforce of courage and break the curse on zelda the first. this details the events of the adventure of link.

pretty straightforward, clear-cut story. except for the fact that i really dont think skyward swords zelda was cursed in an eternal sleep, neither do i think she had a brother.

it could have been a descendent of the true zelds the first, though. hyrule as a kingdom wasnt really established yet in skyward sword. maybe sonais daughter?

anyways, this story in a vacuum is pretty consistent. but, due to the problems with alttp, it doesnt really fit with the greater timeline. so the longest running story of sequels in the legend of zelda (excluding zelda 1 and 2) just doesnt have a satisfying placement. theres gotta be some other branch, right? some time before the events of ocarina of time, so that the imprisoning wars can truly be parallel events…

depending on your timeline theory, that leaves only minish cap and skyward sword. minish cap doesnt deal with time travel… which leaves skyward sword.

theres one moment in skyward sword that fits the bill pretty well. people refer to this moment as the skyward split. some believe it, some are skeptical, some arent even aware of it. i will propose my theory on the exact nature of the skyward split and let you decide.

in skyward sword, link wishes upon the triforce for the complete destruction of the imprisoned (demise). the mother goddess island detaches from skyloft and falls onto the sealed grounds, perfectly slotting in and just straight of killing that dude permanently. skyloft itself remains in the sky; there is no plateau where the mother goddess island fell, and in fact, its actually kind of set into the ground because of how perfectly it slotted into the spiral shape of the sealed grounds.

sorry. i like matpat as much as the next guy, but skyloft is definitively not the great plateau.

seeing this, ghirahim travels into the past and frees demise fully before his eventual death. he was transformed, in the ancient past, from the imprisoned back into his full humanoid demonic flame-headed self. link follows ghirahim and does battle with demise, defeating him and locking his soul in the master sword, where his very essence would decay into nothing in the presence of the holy light. basically demises fundamental soul was horribly crippled into the tiniest imaginable hateful little fragment of what it once was. and it was only getting tinier. exponentially weaker. no hope of escape until his soul is so worn thin it tears at the seams and he simply ceases to be. thats the idea, anyways.

this marks two fundamentally different, conclusively final endings for demise/the imprisoned. one where he was killed by the triforce as the imprisoned in the present, and one where he was trapped in the master sword only to be eternally decayed at an exponential rate. ironically, the imprisoned met his demise, while demise was imprisoned. but yeah, inevitably demise too will meet his demise.

after getting his ass handed to him, demise recites - or describes, depending on who you ask - a curse. it declares the endless cycle of incarnations of the hatred of the demon clan, who demise ruled. then he gets sealed in the sword and shuts up. its at this point that link and zelda leave the blade under the care of impa and return to the future. the future remains unchanged, however. the imprisoned was still crushed by the mother goddess statue island. so link and zelda returned to their original timeline.

some would say this implies a causal loop. that demise escaped the master sword, then impa sealed him in the sealed grounds, turning him back into the imprisoned for the events of skyward sword. however, demise would have been WAY too weak to ever escape the master sword - im talking barely conscious, let alone functionally powerful enough to overpower a blade containing the power of all three golden goddesses (the sacred flames that temper the goddess blade into the master sword). demise did not escape. therefore, timeline branch.

in one timeline, link and zelda are made aware of the curse that demise spoke of. in the other… well, theyre the only ones that demise spoke to, and that version of them doesnt exist in that timeline, so its safe to say nobodys aware of the curse.

in the timeline where they are aware of the curse, they take precautions. they lock the sacred realm behind the master sword, which they lock behind the door of time, which they lock behind the spiritual stones, which they lock behind the leaders of the various races of hyrule. thus, ganondorf must plot. he must allow link to claim the master sword.

in the timeline where they arent aware of the curse, they dont worry about the sacred realm all that much. they arent even sure where it is, and its not like theres an endless cycle of demonic hate hell bent on destroying everything the gods created or anything. nobody knows where the sacred realm is anyways, so they dont worry about those precautions. thus, ganondorf comes across the sacred realm completely by accident. as for why theres no link…

uh…. what if……… what if link died?

or what if link is just a nameless knight of hyrule, who was not made a legendary hero by saving zelda the first, forging the master sword, or defeating demise?

honestly i dont know why no link was present. whatever answer you like i guess. this timeline is such a mess theres no way to account for every single lore detail

[findthatgwfic]

Hello! I used to binge Gundam Wing/Harry Potter fics, but a lot of them seem to have disappeared. There are three in particular I really want to read again-

two of them involved Harry and Luna in the world of Gundam Wing, both were incomplete.

In one Harry finds out Trowa was his brother sent to another world by Dumbledore. He (and Luna, who is his sister???) jump to that world. The jump had side effects and they’re now little kids, and since it’s a non magical world anything magical was reduced to composite parts or made useless. They wander into a library, who calls the preventers, and they’re picked up by the boys.

in the other Harry botches things with the time turner so bad his existence is permanently erased from his timeline and he’s bounced to the nearest parallel world, Gundam Wing world. He basically wakes up with two sets of memories and struggles with how different and the same he and the Dursleys are… until he realizes this world’s version of Sirius is a political prisoner and he convinces one of the boys who is undercover at the school to let him help break him out. (Luna is there to because reasons but she’s there on purpose and figures out they can still sorta do magic it’s just harder) they go, break him out, and make it back to their families without outing themselves.

last one was actually a full length completed fic - botched time turner spell thing, Harry is sent somewhere he doesn’t recognize right in front of Heero right at the beginning. Heero threatens him into a sworn vow to do what he’s told and is basically a prisoner joining the group until Heero feels bad. Plot twist is Harry finds out he is actually in the future, the wizarding world is wiped out, and the only thing left of it is ruins and muggleborn descendants hiding their random abilities in the regular population. Harry finds out he’s basically the magical King Arthur and inherits everything left of the magical world and becomes king of a new all magical kingdom. Towards the end of the fic there’s a magical coronation in a lake where the embodiment of magic crowns him.

…you’d think these fic would be easier to find…

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with these stories. Hopefully someone else will recognize them.

[galacticwildfire]

Personal rant about my life/future/existential crisis below

I finished my last uni assignment a month ago and got my graduation invitation last week (I’ll be formally graduating in December). I’m also completing a TEFL certificate and have been looking at working as an aupair or English language teacher overseas after I graduate. While doing my degree I’ve been working two different part time jobs with kids, one of the businesses I own, and I’ve been intending to see the year out before applying for work overseas, but, I also unfortunately live with two old fashioned parents who believe anything but a 9-5 isn’t a job.

I left my room to have a conversation and now I’ve been threatened into applying for a long term legal admin job, despite the fact they know I’m planning to apply for work overseas from around Christmas time onwards once my passport’s renewed, and so despite being unable to begin a new job until Christmas time I’m now debating how to botch a job interview. I have been planning on staying in this country for eight more months maximum and if I have to stay in this house with them for twelve more months I’m going to need a shovel to dig my own grave (dramatic threat, not serious).

So, I had been planning to leave the country by June but now that has been moved up so I can escape this house. I am writing my aupair profile and making rapid progress on my TEFL certificate since god forbid I wait until I have actually graduated before applying for jobs that need a degree. I know I sound dramatic but considering they told me last week they fully support me in going overseas as either a nanny or teacher in the next few months but now I’ve been very harshly ordered to apply and work as a legal admin for at least a year effective immediately I’ve been a little blindsided.

I had a plan to continue as I have been to get money together while applying for overseas work and they knew this, but now they’re drunk and angry with me for existing (nothing new). I wouldn’t mind them asking me about jobs and the rest if they didn’t tell me every decision I’ve ever made in my entire life is terrible and then ignoring anything I’ve ever been passionate about.

Being almost twenty two and living with two alcoholic parents because of a rent crisis and a little sister has slowly given me deep set anger issues to rival Dean Winchester. I’ve had a solid plan and a timeline and now they’re trying to get me to throw it out because I am not at this moment working a full time job. I’ve been paid in advance for the work I’m doing now so I have to see this year out regardless but they simply don’t care. I almost went no contact with them in 2021 after I quit a gap year job that left me in tears every day and began online university and god knows it’ll likely happen once I leave the country. I’ll almost certainly be no contact with my dad regardless, but despite my mum supporting me just last week she always finds a way to crush my spirit and any self confidence I have when I least expect it when she’s drinking. I truly believe that in five years my sister, my grandmother and one aunt will be the only family I still have contact with. She’s known what my plan is but basically told me that I’ll end up stuck in this town for the rest of my life unless I take this long term local position (contradictory but whatever) despite knowing what my plans are and then just about threatening me when I tried to tell her what I’m planning on doing once I’ve finished this language certificate.

It sounds like I’m whinging a fair bit but I’ve spent years micromanaging this entire family’s emotions and looking after my teenage sister because my parents are too busy drinking to ignore the fact that they should be divorcing. The emotional labor is killing me and I need out. It seems like it’s gonna be sooner rather than later even though I won’t have the money I want behind me, but if I can get work overseas and have enough in the bank for a plane ticket I’m taking it. I just need to renew my passport.

[yukine-sakamoto]

I just finished Umbrella Academy season four, and wow that was deeply unsatisfying. The random side plots, the awkward dialogue, the loose threads and plot holes, the sad ending - it was rough. The show originally was carried by the characters and the relatability of the family drama. It grounded the super powered elements and provided a good balance of comic relief in an otherwise bleak show with quite heavy themes. But this time around everything felt off.

I don’t know if it was the writing, the acting, or the fact that it was rushed into six episodes, but most of the scenes didn’t have any weight to them. A lot of it felt arbitrary or plot convenient or there just wasn’t enough time to build depth. All the scenes with Claire felt empty because the audience had never seen her before, for example. Some of the characters felt like they were leaning on tropes such that they were stuck in their ruts from season 1, ignoring any character development from previous seasons. Klaus had come to terms with his ghost powers and had been clean for a while. Other characters felt completely different, and I know that this is a new timeline, so they should be different, but it’s unsatisfying not to see the characters grow towards a change. This felt very sudden. Reginald was very different to season 1.

The side plot with Klaus and Allison felt very forced. The end result was Allison saving Klaus thus reprising the roles of victim and savior that Klaus complained about in the scene after the botched rescue. And how did he get home from there anyway? Also I think they could have done a lot more to show why he relapsed. I don’t want to dismiss something that touches upon real life difficulties, but it felt rushed. In previous seasons, it was explained that Klaus leaned on substances because he was tormented by the ghosts from his powers. But he had learned to handle his powers better so that wasn’t an issue. I guess being put in the same situation could be difficult because of the reminder, but the point is they didn’t show any of that. It was just powers = drugs. And the plot didn’t accomplish anything. It didn’t move the main story forward at all, and it didn’t really add anything to characters because it lacked depth. Also, I don’t want to have any sympathy for the guy that buried Klaus, but watching Allison literally crush his balls made me shudder.

The romance between Lila and Five felt very forced as well and super uncomfortable. Not only is there a physical age difference that’s hard to watch, there’s also the fact that mentally Five is like seventy years old. I get that they were alone together for a really long time, and that they share a common past and common trauma from the commission, and that would definitely make them grow very close to each other. However, it would never be romantic, in my opinion. Lila is married with kids, and I got the sense from Five that he wasn’t really looking for that anymore. He had a “romance” with Dolores in the apocalypse, and I would think he’s still healing from that. I could see them as like a close uncle and niece type thing. They spent a lot of time on this subway thing and it only served to set up a very short scene with the other fives where he magically gets the answer. They could have set that up in any number of ways without wasting screen time on this awkward romance.

The Diego & Luther buddy cop thing was odd too. I like the two characters. I liked seeing them get back in the action, although the fight lasted a little too long, and it doesn’t make any sense why the actual CIA agents would help them fight. I guess they needed a way to reveal that the keepers had infiltrated, but they could have shown that in a way that was quicker. Out of all the subplots I think this one worked the best to show the characters building their relationship, but only because it was simple and did it very slightly.

The Reggie/Viktor thing just felt hollow. Every scene where Viktor got angry felt more like a temper tantrum. And it wasn’t that way in other seasons. Plus everything he said was undercut by the fact that this Reggie didn’t know him. But also, this Reggie felt very different. Far less authoritarian. I suppose that only works when the super powered people are impressionable kids, but I still felt like he caved too easily with Viktor and Abigail. He was completely obstinate almost every other time he’s been shown. Also, Viktor said he could remove Ben’s marigold. That was the whole point of their endeavor, to try that instead of killing him. That was how Viktor convinced Reggie to work with him. And then he never actually tries it. He fails to bring it up whenever he talks to Ben, so Ben just continues to run because Viktor is threatening to separate him from Jennifer, same as Reggie. Then when he finally gets in contact with Ben, he tries to remove the durango for some reason. That wouldn’t fix anything. Jennifer would still have a mix inside of her, and after Ben was saved, the durango would just mix with Viktor’s marigold.

Honestly, the main plot barely makes sense anyway. Why is the substance called durango? It sounds childish. And the way it ends the universe is by infecting two people and creating a gross monster. The whole universe, all the timelines, from this one flesh blob. What happened to all the other kids born on the same day as the Hargreaves? Don’t they have marigold? Are they in this timeline? What about the left overs that no one drank? How does the monster get to other timelines and other Hargreaves? I feel like Reggie’s talk with Abigail didn’t really explain much. Like she said before the marigold/durango interaction would end the universe, but it was actually fine. I suppose she was just lying, but wouldn’t Reggie know that? Plus having them all die as the solution to all their problems is really dark. I mean I always want a happy ending, but this was just depressing. And how did the family make it out of the subway? How do the kids even exist if their parents were wiped from the timeline? What happened to the other Ben we saw teased at the end of season 3? What even happened on Reggie and Abigail’s original planet that kicked all this off? We never learn any real backstory from them, even though this is really all their fault.

I’m so disappointed. I mean I liked seeing the characters again, but I wish they’d taken the time to do the ending properly.

[aviculor]

I'm watching the Dead Meat Podcast ep on Longlegs and they're bringing up a pretty important thing. The timeline.

There was never any evidence of his presence inside the homes, which is highly unlikely if he did what he did to the Harkers to literally anyone else. Was that supposed to be like the only time he ever forced his way into a house and physically attacked someone? Getting Ruth as an accomplice obviously made giving families the dolls easier, but we're supposed to believe no one else in his early days was like "get away from my daughter, you fucking creep"?

And there was no trace of Ruth? Witnesses? A nun carrying a big box to the doorstep right before the killings? Sitting on their sofa while the killings happen? If she was the one leaving the letters, there must have been fingerprints. How was she never linked to the Birthday Murders?

Lee's actions, particularly when Longlegs paid her cabin a visit to leave her the cipher key, imply she's not a very good cop. She might have been led by the nose through her academy training by her psychic powers which were because of the doll which was because of Longlegs.

What was the point of it all? Why leave the notes? Why help Lee's investigation? Was it all just to sow chaos because ooh spooky devil worship? Was Ruth rejecting the doll really worth it for Longlegs to spend the next 20+ years of his life orchestrating Lee killing her? To the point that he considered his life's work completed once he finished setting that up? I mean, I guess it is a more tangible motive than just "mwahaha devil demands sacrifice". But it's not exactly satisfying? idk, I know Oz Perkins wanted to make Longlegs seem like an offputting loser rather than glorifying a serial killer as "cool" or "interesting". But it's like there's this whole other story that got trimmed for brevity. Between the glam rock obsession and the song released on Youtube and his face looking like a series of botched plastic surgeries, it's *implied* Dale Kobbler was a wannabe rock star. Probably not a real one because then there would have been something the FBI could have dug up about him.

But I guess in the end, it didn't need to have ironclad internal logic because it was an incredible film from all technical standpoints. It ticked all the boxes for me. I fucking loved it.

[yourfaveisclasspected]

So I apologize if this isn't what you usually do but could you explain your take on a Page of Doom please, if that's not what you do can I just ask you Classpect Ragatha from The Amazing Digital Circus please

you know what, i can do both!

ragatha's classpect here!

my take on a page of doom under the cut!

y'know, it's really funny you included these in the same ask- one of my first requests was someone asking for page of doom pomni!

in my personal interpretation, a page isn't someone who "starts weak and grows strong"; i feel like a slightly more nuanced definition would be along the lines of, a character who starts undirected and full of potential, and later gains control over and direction with their powers. this can be seen with jake- his hope powers before the session begins/before the Fuckening happens are definitely present, he just doesn't quite know how to use them with intention yet. he accidentally manifests brain ghost dirk, and he manipulates his desired outcomes into being, through his conversation with jane and dirk. it isn't until after trickster mode happens that he begins to gain an understanding of intentional use of his hope, and aranea healing his emotional problems (caused by understanding the damage he caused) allows him to begin using his powers with intention.

doom is the aspect of inevitability, of the destined-to-be. obviously death is doom's largest domain, but doom also covers other swaths of territory; doomed sessions are the majority of sessions SBURB produces, regardless of whether they are null, void, or dead. doomed timelines are also very common; someone fucked up and deviated from the path, so there is no other way forward but backwards. a doom player mindful of these facts will manipulate the definition of doom; if x, y, and z must happen, we can use them to produce a, b, and c, benefiting our session in exchange.

a page of doom would likely not be fully aware of their abilities from square one. without knowledge of doom or how to use it, they would remain completely in the dark about their fate. they may subconsciously use doom to get what they want, unintentionally invoking the power of inevitability to convince others to do what they want because "it'll happen regardless". as the page awakens, they might begin seeing the rules and laws outlining their life; seeing these rules would allow the page to find ways to bend them. a page of doom may work closely with their session's time player to avoid botching their session as well as unnecessary casualties. a fully awakened page of doom would have a mastery over death; able to harness doom, condemning their enemies to brutal or terrible fates. a page of doom may also be required to make a sacrifice for their team, ultimately winning the game and preventing the timeline from slipping into doom.

hope you enjoyed! this is my first time writing one of these- i might do more if people suggest them!

[adolin]

17 and 18 for the Ask game!

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP

I'm writing a fic for the @rjbigbang that's very big on the emotional messiness, and having lots of fun with it — the concept started as an amnesia fic, but eventually evolved into an "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" kind of AU where people can undergo a procedure to have their memories removed if there are things in their life they don't want to remember :) u can image where this is going!

It's a non-linear narrative sort of fic so I've had fun putting together a timeline that won't reflect the actual summary of the plot, but I need to know where everything is before I start writing it out of order. As it always happens with my Ted Lasso fics I have. a whole season calendar (for multiple season) that'll never see the light of the day, along with a list of who's on the team and who's doing what.

A part that's currently on my draft but might not make into the final version is about Shandy who, a couple of years post-canon, manages a business renting yachts in Dubai (that's supposed to be as shady as it sounds, yeah). I plotted out her whole career path post S3 all for a throwaway paragraph of dialogue that SHOULD probably get cut, except I've gotten attached to it. She's thriving, though.

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end.

Actually! Here's the whole reason why I spent some 20 minutes plotting and writing about Shandy in a post S3 scenario

I'm always thinking about Keleey's S3 arc, which I feel strongly a) had potential and b) was completely botched. So I spent some time thinking about what lessons and motivations she'd take from it after, or even what her motivations were during S3 (the shoe doesn't seem to know either). Did she feel obligated to start her own business because such a golden opportunity landed in her lap and she's been hustling for years and it felt like a reward she'd miss out on? Had she secretly always wanted to be a business owner, actually? Having worked as both a freelancer and a manager, which one does she prefer? Can she make that new career path work, does she want to?

I thought the show missed a big chance introducing Shandy in Keeley's storyline — as a key to her past, as someone she could mentor, as someone she could clash with — but it didn't really go anywhere. So I took that line from the finale about Shany's starfucker app being a hit and wondered where she'd go from there, how Keeley would feel about it, if they're still in touch etc.

So I ended with a whole 400 words about a minor character who's not even in the fic, as one does :)

[honeyxgang]

im slowly being forced outta retirement bc nobody is writing the fic ideas i have in my head so to start here’s some waka headcanons. mostly sfw but gets spicy toward the end so yktv mdni

Short King Waka Headcanons 🤲

SFW

doesnt just like trolling people, he can also be very playful

actually did really well in school just didnt like going relatable

shit almost went left in his youth with alcohol but his friends helped him through shoutout to the final timeline

loves kissing and his favorite feature on a potential love interest is lips so hope you’ve been hydrating. bonus points if you have on a gloss instead of lipstick. the shine catches his attention

is eternally grateful to rihanna for fenty gloss he’s now willing to go to war for her

if he really likes someone he gives them a nickname

is very physically affectionate. hugs, cuddles, holding hands, etc he doing allat

since he has an oral fixation he actually takes really good care of his teeth + makes sure his lips are always moisturized

aka straight, white teeth + and a literal perfect smile 😩

wears cologne. he smells delicious. probably the mixture of the cologne and pheromones

doesnt enter into romantic relationships often instead being more likely to flirt casually with absolutely no intention of it going anywhere/the occasional one night stand

believes in letting girls down gently if they do catch feels though

team his parents are alive. no sibs though

gets mistaken for a child me too

has a motorcycle and a car (i see him as a man with money idc idc idc)

deflee into rap, hip hop, and r&b

comes off very very very aloof until he gets to know someone. he’s not shy through

some girls are disappointed to get to know him and find out he’s not even the stereotypical bad boy/fuckboy. dude watches documentaries and enjoys learning new things and is completely unashamed of that and would probably be first to apologize in a fight. his version of netflix & chill is him putting on a wwii documentary and you not being there

that’s one way to pique his interest though teach him something he didnt know before

wears other jewelry too (necklace, bracelet)

the type of bf who would lose his mind if you got a necklace with his name or initials

very laidback and slow to anger

he fought in his youth because he was targeted for his height. then he kept fighting bc he liked throwing his weight around 🤷‍♀️

hates bugs to the point where he might make you go kill whatever has got in 😐

could use some work with verbal communication (“im glad manjiro died” cmon bruh. ik that happened in one of the fucked up timelines however im sure he still sucks bc he only talks to 3 people)

by that i mean he can come off sounding harsh af when that’s not his intention. unfortunately he’s a straight arrow. hope you have tough skin

NSFW

keeping in line w black twitter’s “dudes w the best d” ranking since he is both skinny and short he is hung like a horse that’s where his height went and knows what he’s doing when laying pipe 🤌

high school was a very horny time for him

you would not fucking guess that just by looking at him and idk where he tucks his third leg

seriously theres always a moment of silence when he gets his pants off. whoever is about to have their spine realigned is like 👀 and he’s just sitting there like 😏

tripod is long and thick good luck sis 🫡

doesn’t do one night stands often or at his place bc once somebody gets a taste they’re ready to commit to his dick marriage

uses condoms bc he’s not ready for fatherhood. if he doesn’t have any he’s not penetrating. yall can do oral though

1000/10 in bed because he likes eating pussy AND will fold you into the mattress 🧎‍♀️

loves getting his dick sucked and he 100% believes in dsl’s 🫦

they gotta look natural though. he has a grudge against kylie jenner for influencing so many people to get botched lip injections 😒

he’s gonna watch bc the way somebody lips stretch to fit him + get all red and plump from putting in work? >>>>>>>

100% the type to grab hair

and the headboard

also will push your knees to your chest if yall in missionary seriously he’s small but man’s is strong

comes to the slow conclusion that he’s an ass man and therefore loves anything from behind

if you’re sending nudes gon head and send something in a thong or g string. if you haven’t heard from him in a few days he might call you

will spank you. just be ready for that

believes life is too short for bad sex and therefore is permanently on demon time 😮‍💨

you’re going to question all of your life choices once youve survived finished. also good luck walking

maybe take a day off work

in conclusion i am down bad

[morganmnemonic]

Thinking about a Magnus Archives time travel fix it, with the added twist that the events of canon were the result of a botched attempt at time travel fixing it. A story where Martin was always from the future, but the original timeline(timeline A) went magnificently wrong in such a completely different way that he's still sincerely as unprepared as everyone else to deal with the twists of canon(timeline B). And then timeline C gets to feature a time traveler who knows exactly how fragile time is, how even minor changes can bring his best layed plans to ruin, and is trying to make decisions as strategically as possible while also constantly fighting down the urge to stab Elias in the face with a pocket knife.

I'm thinking that the initial difference between timelines A and B is that in A the Prentiss worm invasion isn't triggered prematurely, and as such the tunnels under the archives aren't discovered so early, if at all. This cascades into a completely different 2nd arc between the two timelines, and they never quite manage to get back on the same page.

It's a project of aggressively recontextualizing every single thing Martin says and does in canon. The shock he expresses when Jon asks him if he's a ghost? Has more to do with how close Jon is to being correct. He Did die there, the first time around.

I want to say more, but I don't want to spoil anything if I do end up writing this. The biggest problem I'm running into so far is that it would be an absolutely massive project. I know the endings I want for both timeline A and C, but I need to come up with 2 separate complete and satisfying stories on the scale of canon in order to get there.

[lastweeksshirttonight]

It seems my experiment in actually writing something substantive and not just screaming about bangs was well-received! I will insist that it is a fluke for a while, just to keep up appearances, but truly, thank you all. Let's move forward with the first season of LWT!

Last Lee Tonight

(wherein we talk about shirts and the death penalty, not in that order)

Season One, Episode Two

(original air date: 5/4/2014)

Major topic covered: Capital punishment, Brunei

Trigger warnings for discussion of the death penalty and botched executions; homophobia

"As you know, our show is dedicated to covering the biggest news of the week, whatever that news may be. We have a long, proud, one week history of doing that."

As much as the last episode of LWT covered was a time capsule shooting us straight back to 2014, this episode proves that time is basically a flat circle. John opens this episode talking about Russia invading Ukraine, and how the US and allies are going to stop this threat by... imposing sanctions. (Thank God we grew more committed to actually helping Ukraine in our current timeline, Republican agents be damned.) These sanctions, both in the moment and looking at this from the future, clearly didn't do much.

Already the pacing of the show is growing slower, to LWT's benefit - the Ukraine segment, despite being about two minutes, hits more concrete satirical points and feels more put-together than everything from the first segment of episode one.

It seamlessly transitions to what the US was more interested in than the potential fall of Ukraine, the White House Correspondents Dinner. John hates the idea of it and shows clips where George Condon of the White House Correspondents Association talks about how its purpose has completely diverged from its intention in its charter... but he can't show it because the White House lost it. Let's use this space to remind people of the time Stephen Colbert fucking ethered George W. Bush at the Correspondents Dinner in 2006, as I inherently believe that ethering presidents was the entire point of the Correspondents Dinner as laid out in that charter. You can't convince me otherwise.

"And Now This" gives us our first "local newscasters get really excited about a dumb thing" clip package, this one for Star Wars Day. There are so many wide-ranging ways to sound like you're being held hostage while saying "may the fourth be with you"! (The lady who said 'I actually speak droid' painfully reminded me of child me, who said that maybe three million times. As I've said many times, I was a deeply weird child.)

Unlike last episode, episode two isn't structured like an ersatz version of The Daily Show, and instead is beginning to resemble the LWT format of the current day. I genuinely thought it took longer for the show to morph into that, but no, the staff collectively went "fuck it, let's spend fifteen minutes talking about the death penalty and see where it takes us". Good move staff!

John even acknowledges that it's a potentially awful choice to make for a show's second episode, particularly because he is a comedy show. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh John. Poor sweet innocent past John. LWT, a comedy. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

The kick-off for this segment is news in Oklahoma of an inmate dying after a botched execution. John isn't sure he wants to talk about it, President Obama doesn't want to talk about it, do any of us want to talk about this? But we're talking about it.

Despite the show moving more towards its current iteration, there is still that early-series weirdness to it all. For starters, the idea of John not wanting to talk about the death penalty, when he went on to be the subject of a SLAPP suit because of his show, has routinely discussed abortion and trans rights (the two things most likely to get people screaming at you in my personal experience), and is just generally is plumbing the depths of governmental and social misery every week, is a bit comical. Additionally, the segment officially opens with an extremely didactic "what is the death penalty and what are the arguments for and against" mini-monologue that seems designed to guide audiences through this new type of late-night show. John pulls off being a teacher well, but this sounds like an actual high school teacher trying to introduce a topic they know is gonna be a shitshow.

It is nice to know that the baseline for the death penalty according to the first clip is that we shouldn't execute innocent people. Bold statement.

John also sells the idea that he is an outsider to this topic since he is British. This is another thing dispensed with quickly on the show - he's an American and generally defines himself as such unless it's funnier for a joke - and I honestly didn't expect it to crop up in LWT at all. I'm guessing he brings it up so he can talk about British torture devices, a rich vein of violent nonsense he's loved his entire career, but point still stands. Genuinely shocked he didn't talk about burning Catholics at the stake. Someone must have stopped him in the writer's room from slipping his favorite joke in there.

I don't want to get too in-detail about the factual arguments for any given subject while doing this project, unless I feel like I have interesting additional insight from my own life or a clip shown is ridiculous enough to note it. In any case, this segment is a well-done, high-level view, from my understanding, of the basics of the death penalty argument in the US.

On that level, it is sadly hilarious that John makes a joke that the death penalty is a great deterrent to fishing without a license, since he has done multiple segments since this showing that no, it's really not.

The way this segment ends is also somewhat off, in that it feels like there should be something stronger tying it together. John offers a hypothetical about a guilty person committing a heinous crime and the family of the victims wanting their death - what would you do in that situation? And instead of a clip or a more rigorous examination of that hypothetical, John offers that his opinion is still that the death penalty isn't a good recourse, and that the opinion of you at home might be different, who wants to see hamsters eating burritos? It's... weird. And it's weird because I am looking at this from ten years in the future, recalling John begging England to not vote for Brexit, hearing and seeing the entire last video clip about forced family separation at the border echoing in my head. I can't expect past John to be at where current John is now, and yet, that still colors how I look at this first stab (...ugh bad wording) at a longform LWT segment.

The death penalty segment gives way to something seemingly ripped straight from The Colbert Report, "Other Countries' Presidents of the United States". Truly, this reminds me so much of "Better Know a District". This segment focuses on Francois Hollande of France, namely his complicated and gross history with women and how that somehow made him more popular with voters.

We move on to Brunei, which is a country. (Literal words from the show here, I'm not that ignorant.) Important note, he does not try to fool the audience into thinking Brunei is a country you think about so seldomly that you haven't realized that this ISN'T Brunei, it's actually a pockmark on my face. Namely, Brunei is starting an "experiment with Sharia law" that involves implementing the death penalty for homosexuality. John highlights the hypocrisy of the leadership's turn given their ostentatious wealth and lax morals. Again, pretty solid overview of the situation and the international blind eye being taken there, and good on John for criticising Saudi Arabia consistently.

Finally, our last "And Now This" is people falling asleep behind politicians. I adore this kind of dumb shit. The guy behind Biden is a treasure.

Random notes:

Lee obviously focuses on important things corner: Red is John's color and I will die on this hill. Red shirted John Oliver is my goddamn kryptonite. 10/10.

Gdi Lee you're getting old: I bought Stephen Colbert's Correspondents Dinner speech on iTunes so I could listen to it on my way to classes in college. WHAT A SENTENCE!

Apparently they did an interview with Simon Ostrovsky from Vice News that was cut for time. Not only have I never watched this, why were they cutting things for time on HBO? (I will make a separate post about this interview because I genuinely have no idea what it's about and forgot it existed.)

Filmed during the same episode is a Web Exclusive of John getting a case full of Pom Wonderful from the Pom people, and them telling him, in veiled language, to shove it up his ass. He is clearly delighted by the letter. "Dear John, What fun."

[awwhawk]

Music Enjoyed Released in 2022 Meet Me At The Altar - Model Citizen EP (acoustic version) Runnner - Always Repeating Demos + Vines To Make It All Worth It single Acceptance - Wild, Free (deluxe edition) Mutemath - Play Dead Live Georgia Maq - Live At Sydney Opera House Brutalligators - This House Is A Beautiful Place And I Am No Longer Afraid To Live In It Sun June - Somewhere (expanded edition) Spirit Of The Beehive - I Suck The Devil’s Cock (Nmesh’s Electric Ego Death Quadrathlon) Phantogram - Eyelid Movies (expanded edition) Slothrust - Parallel Timelines (Origins) Unwed Sailor - Live At CommVess EP Hot Hot Heat - Make Up The Breakdown (deluxe remastered edition) Bright Eyes - A Collection Of Songs Written And Recorded 1995-1997: A Companion + Letting Off The Happiness: A Companion + Fevers And Mirrors: A Companion + LIFTED Or The Story Is in The Soil, Keep Your Ear To The Ground: A Companion + I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning: A Companion + Digital Ash In A Digital Urn: A Companion Audio Karate - ¡Otra! Clipping. - Clbbng + Remxing 2.1 + Remxing 2.2 + Remxing 2.3 + Remxing 2.4 Militarie Gun - All Roads Lead To The Gun (deluxe edition) + Militarie Gun & Dazy - Pressure Cooker single + What’s The Furthest Place From Here? #6 split - Gimme Some Truth (John Lennon cover) We Were Promised Jetpacks - A Complete One-Eighty Anti-Flag - The General Strike (10th anniversary edition) Spanish Love Songs - Brave Faces Etc. + I Miss You (Doom And Gloom) single Run The Jewels - RTJ Cu4tro Sigur Rós - ( ) [20th anniversary edition] The Armed - Ultrapop: Live At The Masonic Thrice - Dead Wake/Scavengers (acoustic) + Open Your Eyes And Dream single + Summer Set Fire To The Rain (acoustic) single Protest The Hero - Palimpsest - Instrumentals Hopelifter - Anthemology (discography) Samuel S.C. - 94-95 (remixed & remastered) Reagan Youth - New Aryans Jawbox - The Revisionist Wire - Not About To Die (Studio Demos 1977-1978) These Arms Are Snakes - Duct Tape & Shivering Crows (rarities & b-sides) Idles - Five Years Of Brutalism + Crawl (DGG edit) Rival Schools - United By Fate (20th anniversary deluxe edition) Now, Now - Threads (10th anniversary edition) Botch - We Are The Romans (remastered reissue) + One Twenty Two single Copeland - Revolving Doors: An Orchestral Best-Of Metz - Metz (deluxe edition) + Metz/Adulkt Life split + Come On Down single You Blew It! - Grow Up, Dude (demos) The World Is A Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid To Die - Thank You For Being Here  Cursive - Domestica (remastered deluxe edition + Braces EP) Lincoln - Repair And Reward (discography) Darkbird - Ballad Of A Junebug Esmerine - Everything Was Forever Until It Was No More Gladie - Don’t Know What You’re In Until You’re Out Daniel Romano’s Outfit - La Luna DK The Drummer - Lockers Volume One (not sure if this officially released yet, may just be a glut of singles) + I Can Do That original score Martin Courtney - Magic Sign Calexico - El Mirador Sondre Lerche - Avatars Of Love Abby Gundersen - Out Walking Cold Gawd - God Get Me The Fuck Out Of Here Suitable Miss - In Color Fuss - We’re Not Alone Bull Shannon - Chill Power!!!!! Greg Puciato - Mirrorcell Origami Angel - Re: Turn + Depart Crosses - Permanent.Radiant Young Prisms - Drifter The Early November - Twenty Soulside - A Brief Moment In The Sun Gogol Bordello - Solidaritine + Super Taranta! (15 year anniversary edition) + Forces Of Victory single + Teroborona single Elway - The Best Of All Possible Worlds Pixies - Doggerel El Ten Eleven - New Year’s Eve Tits Up - Greatest Tits + Gaffa single Lady Pills - What I Want Permanent Mistakes - Demo 2022 Kavinsky - Reborn Pinegrove - 11:11 Eels - Extreme Witchcraft Editors - EBM A Country Western - When Was Yesterday single + A Country Western/They Are Gutting A Body Of Water split - An Insult To The Sport Chris Farren - Death Won’t Wait (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) Stabbing Westward - Chasing Ghosts Craig’s Brother - Easily Won, Rarely Deserved  CF98 - This Is Fine Couplet - EP1 Sorry - Anywhere But Here Mint Green - All Girls Go To Heaven Kayleigh Goldsworthy - Learning To Be Happy + Live At Studio 4 Lannds - Lotus Deluxe + K-Town single Cliffdiver - Exercise Your Demons Pinch Points - Process Football, Etc. - Vision + Vision Remixes Slang - Cockroach In A Ghost Town The Flatliners - New Ruin City Of Caterpillar - Mystic Sisters Show Me The Body - Trouble The Water Punitive Damage - This Is The Blackout Knuckle Puck - Disposable Life Pinkshift - Love Me Forever Among Legends - Take Good Care With The Punches - Discontent Bayside - The Red EP + Rainbow (Kacey Musgraves cover) single + Go To Hell single Jeff Rosenstock & Laura Stevenson - Younger Still Pleasure Venom - Rebirth/Return After The Fall - Isolation Scott Sellers - 13 + Until It Hurts Sparta - Sparta Superchunk - Wild Loneliness Toro y Moi - Mahal Gregor Barnett - Don’t Go Throwing Roses In My Grave Katie Dey - Forever Music + The Kraken Kevin Devine - Nothing’s Real, So Nothing’s Wrong + Let Go, Be Dragged/Liar, Liar Voyag3r - New York Ninja - original motion picture soundtrack Thus Love - Memorial Jockstrap - I Love You Jennifer B The Tallest Man On Earth - Too Late For Edelweiss Archers Of Loaf - Reason In Decline Russian Circles - Gnosis Elder - Innate Passage Bedouin Soundclash - We Will Meet In A Hurricane Norma Jean - Deathrattle Sing For Me Animals As Leaders - Parrhesia Flogging Molly - Anthem Recreational Drugs - LP Andrew Bird - Inside Problems Purity Ring - Graves S. Carey - Break Me Open A Vulture Wake - Kingdom + Animal Future Teens - Self Help Too Bad Eugene - Distance The Album Leaf - Past And Future Tense + Say So single + Future Falling single + You Are single Cheekface - Too Much To Ask + Don’t Ask (b-sides) + Live At Baby’s All Right Smoke Or Fire - Beauty Fades Nervus - The Evil One + Microsmiling single White Lung - Premonition Momma - Household Name Tomberlin - I Don’t Know Who Needs To Hear This… Emma Ruth Rundle - Orpheus Looking Back + EG2: Dowsing Voice Moon Tooth - Phototroph + Carry Me Home (Blue Amp Version) single Frou Frou - Off Cuts (demos) Onelinedrawing - Tenderwild + Departure Ted Leo & The Pharmacists - Andy, Come Out + The Old 200 + For Coit And Killie Waxahatchee - El Deafo (soundtrack) + Waxahatchee & Wynonna Judd - Other Side single Praise - All In A Dream Breakup Haircut - Punk Dancing For Self Defence Mat Kerekes - Nova Soft Blue Shimmer - Love Lives In The Body Single Mothers - Everything You Need Ten Foot Pole - Winning Cigar - The Visitor Heart To Gold - Tom Sack - Ripper! Health - Disco4 :: Part II Ignite - Ignite Traams - Personal Best Angel Olsen - Big Time Dropkick Murphys - This Machine Still Kills Fascists (lyrics of Woody Guthrie) Nick Cave & Warren Ellis - Seven Psalms instrumental + Blonde soundtrack + Dahmer - Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story soundtrack John Carpenter, Cody Carpenter, & Daniel Davies - Firestarter (2022) soundtrack + Halloween Ends soundtrack Emperor X - The Lakes Of Zones B And C Tears For Fears - The Tipping Point The Smile - A Light For Attracting Attention Courting - Guitar Music The Mars Volta - The Mars Volta Coheed & Cambria - Vaxis Act II: A Window Of The Waking Mind Comeback Kid - Heavy Steps Bad Breeding - Human Capital Old Gods - Give Them Color Tiny Moving Parts - Tiny Moving Parts Yard Act - The Overload Bodega - Broken Equipment + Xtra Equipment Wet Leg - Wet Leg Regressive Left - On The Wrong Side Of History Fresh - Raise Hell + Fresh Comes Alive! Bitter Branches - Your Neighbors Are Failures Plains - I Walked With You A Ways Suck - Ribbit Pulley - The Golden Life Swami John Reis - Ride The Wild Night Greet Death - New Low The Bruce Lee Band - One Step Forward, Two Steps Back Ann Beretta - Rise + Ann Beretta/The Blacklist Royals split - In ReCOVERy The Suicide Machines/Coquettish split - Gebo Gomi Signals Midwest - Dent Metric - Formentera Skullcrusher - Quiet The Room 84 Tigers - Time In The Lighthouse Town Liar - Lies: One Through Seven Craig Finn - A Legacy Of Rentals Camp Trash - The Long Way, The Slow Way Joyce Manor - 40 Oz. To Fresno Mono - Scarlet Holiday + My Story, The Bukaru Story (An Original Soundtrack) Tangerine Dream - Raum Circa Survive - A Dream About Death And So I Watch You From Afar - Jettison Pom Poko - This Is Our House PUP - The Unraveling Of PUPtheband + Matilda/Robot Writes A Love Song (Live In Toronto 2022) Frank Turner - FTHC Flasher - Love Is Yours Camp Cope - Running With The Hurricane Bad Heaven Ltd. - In Our House Now Dry Cleaning - Stumpwork Just Mustard - Heart Under Porridge Radio - Waterslide, Diving Board, Ladder To The Sky TV Priest - My Other People Preoccupations - Arrangements Odesza - The Last Goodbye + The Last Goodbye Remixes No. 1 Cloakroom - Dissolution Wave Sadurn - Radiator Tigers Jaw - Old Clothes Pianos Become The Teeth - Drift The Wonder Years - The Hum Goes On Forever Stay Inside - Blight Jack White - Fear Of The Dawn + Entering Heaven Alive Black Country, New Road - Ants From Up There (deluxe edition) David Knudson - The Only Thing You Have To Change Is Everything + Undo/Redo [EP] Ways Away - Torch Songs Young Jesus - Shepherd Head Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Cool It Down Strategies - Strategies Anthony Green - Boom. Done. + When I Come Home single Thick - Happy Now +  Love You Forever single Anxious - Little Green House + Sunsign single A Wilhelm Scream - Lose Your Delusion Gleemer - Here At All Inside Voices - Liminal Space Glacier Veins - Lunar Reflection Pool Kids - Pool Kids Mt. Oriander - Then The Lightness Leaves And I Become Heavy Again Caracara - New Preoccupations Peregrine - The Awful Things We’ve Done Gilla Band - Most Normal A Place To Bury Strangers - See Through You + Dragged In A Hole (Glove remix) + Love Reaches Out (Gift remix) + My Head Is Bleeding (The Pleasure Majenta remix) Porcupine Tree - Closure/Continuation Weird Nightmare -  Weird Nightmare + Weird Nightmare/Ancient Shapes split + So Far Gone single + Our Love Will Still Be There (The Troggs cover) single Iron & Wine - Lori Fairweather - Deluge Anberlin - Silverline L.S. Dunes - Past Lives Oso Oso - Sore Thumb + De Facto single Death Cab For Cutie - Asphalt Meadows The Mountain Goats - Bleed Out + The Jordan Lake Sessions: Volume 5 Black Star - No Fear Of Time Zola Jesus - Arkhon Cave In - Heavy Pendulum Be Well - Hello Sun Jesus H. Chris - A Catastrophic Break With Consensus Reality Their/They’re/There -  Their/They’re/There + Their/They’re/There/Pacemaker split - Them Dogs Hot Water Music - Feel The Void Alex G - God Save The Animals + We’re All Going To The World’s Fair soundtrack Damien Jurado - Reggae Film Star Rocky Votolato - Wild Roots Tim Kasher - Welcome To… Middling Age Dan Andriano & The Bygones - Dear Darkness Spice - Viv NewDad - Banshee + ILY2 single Lande Hekt - House Without A View +  Romantic single Murder By Death - Spell/Bound Brutus - Unison Life Fontaines D.C. - Skinty Fia Cassels - A Gut Feeling Sprints - A Modern Job + Literary Mind single Dead Cross - II Rolo Tomassi - Where Myth Becomes Memory The Beths - Expert In A Dying Field + A Real Thing single The Darling Fire - Distortions FES - With Regards From Home Off! - Free LSD Crisis Man - Asleep In America Beach Rats - Rat Beat Short Fictions - Every Moment Of Every Day Lies - Blemishes/Echoes + Summer Somewhere single + Corbeau single + Camera Chimera single Black Midi - Hellfire + Cavalcovers Bartees Strange - Farm To Table Sharon Van Etten - We’ve Been Going About This All Wrong (deluxe edition) Pedro The Lion - Havasu Plosivs - Plosivs Drug Church - Hygiene Osees - A Foul Form