#and i cant pay my loans
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every day my finances make me wanna kms i dont wanna do this adult shit no more
#and whats making it worse is me having to go back and forth with the damn hospital#almost a full month and i cant even get a solid date for surgery bc the fucking doctor is playing games#id like to have been employed by now#but itd be a bad look and id be back at square one if they decide to finaly get it together like a week or two after i start#id just get fired.#and i cant pay my loans#and i want to die#i havent gone a day the last 4 months without a panic attack#im exhausted#cant even rly do shit abt the loans thing either bc its just like oh dont have a job? try harder u still owe us#like i hope you all go to hell
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i am a metronome of 'this problem is easily solvable if you talk to a certain person in your life and it'll only get worse if you leave it be, calm down and bite the bullet' and 'you've already left it a long time and asking for help even from loved ones is really really hard so actually cry in a ball'
we must destroy the grey head jelly for being the most inconsistent and rude bastard in the world
#its not even that serious its just paying for school stuff but. ough.#i have big issues about feeling 'worth it' to my family so any time i have to approach my mom and ask her to fork up money that my loans#dont cover i feel like Dog Shit. like she always finds it#and she doesnt mind it. and has stressed in the past that its fine and she isnt mad and she just wants me to tell her#but im Bad At Things so i always end up waiting and feeling like Shit#oughhhh#plus i dont wanna do it over the phone but also cant get home to do it in person without her help either#and i always feel like im ruining her day and oughhh#it is not good. 0 stars. ill probably talk to her about it tomorrow because yeah but#good GOD#so yeah im gonna work on getting employment not even for a sense of freedom but just so i dont feel gross all the time#like even if i make 1k a month living at home over the summer. thats pretty much enough to cover what my loans and scholarships dont#literally thats not even enough for taxes to be involved or whatever#anyway. the human spirit is indominable#i had a little cry over it all and im feeling better#im gonna draw some hot man legs. and get ready for dnd tomorrow#and its gonna be fine. i know it will#the plot twist is i went into psychology to help OTHERS but in reality im learning how to help ME
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I just want to fly to Tibet and not think about character growth or the future or navigating relationships
#im so tired. and like I'll survive it but then i have to continue on and survive the next thing too.#right now im thinking about my next year and just. the rest of february and march sound just barely manageable#april and the start of may will be pretty good probably#the summer idk probably fine#but then. finishing my second degree. working. paying off loans. looking for a job i actually might sustainably want.#i cant. imagine having to do all of that.#i feel like i do so much complaining on here lately im so sorry#irl i feel like i cant complain to anyone cuz objectively im getting to do one of the coolest things imaginable#and like. im really thankful and whatever and thats what i have to project to my irl people. its just also incrediblyy hard and exhausting.#whatever its after midnight and while i feel like this a little bit most of the time sleep will help. it will all feel slightly better#in the morning
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I DONT WANT TO BOMB COUNTRIES I WANT MY STUDENT LOANS FORGIVEN #american
#im trying to sign up to pay my student loans and on Oct 2nd the courts put a hold on IDR and SAVE plans#and i was really fucking banking on that!!#but they didnt give me access to set up any kind of payment plan let alone a SAVE plan until Oct 21st#and so I CANT SIGN UP FOR A SAVE PLAN TO HALT THE INTEREST ON MY STUDENT LOANS#I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY AND HURT AND TIRED AND I HOPE EVERYONE VOTES#i voted blue in AZ so you all better thank me specifically when we flip it
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bruh idek what i'm supposed to do at this point. like the only way i could physically make enough money to pay all of my bills including making a payment of $250 on my credit card (which would have me making payments for the next four years btw), my student loans, and my current rent, and be able to reasonably afford to eat i'd have to make like $2500 after tax, so basically 21/hr. i have no fucking clue how to make that much money
#i'm really hoping the extra sales/repair money from this current job is worth it#but it did piss me off that the manager is talking about cutting my hours back to 32 from 39 after my training is over#i'm gonna talk to him and tell him i was not signed on for part-time i was hired to do full time work#but even then just the baseline pay after taxes and health insurance is just barely enough for me to reasonably live and that's WITHOUT pay#paying my rent bc my parents are paying it for me rn :/#and its like its not just one bill it's like all of my main shit is so expensive#i can't get my car insruance down my car payment is 330 a month#and i cant get out of paying my student loans unless i want to tank my credit#i just feel so fucking stuck rn#i wouldnt even care about having ot have my nose to the grindstone if i could look forward to saving money to do fun things in the future b#but i'm literally so fucking far from that reality it's not even funny#literally the only reason i havent gone crazy and am still doing things every now and again is bc i've put myself in debt 😭
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in the "idk what I'm gonna do if I don't get this job but whatever I do it'll probably end up on the 6 o'clock news" phase of worrying about this job interview
#my diary#i genuinely dont know how im gonna pay my bills after november tho#like i cant even get retail jobs to call me back the month before the biggest shopping period of the year??#im seriously considering a bank loan cuz im running out of options#but idk if theyd even give me one#giving poor people money? sus. better not. better let them lose their car and earthly possessions first
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#im so fucking frustrated rn. im sick of paying 1200 a month in rent when i could buy a house and pay 800 on a mortgage every month instead.#but i CANT buy a house rn without a loan and i cant even get pre-approved EVEN THOUGH I HAVE THE MONEY FOR A DOWN PAYMENT IN CASH RN#they want me to have 3 lines of credit and the only way i can get the 3rd line of credit is to get a card and put myself in debt first#i fucking refuse to get a credit card. its a fucking scam.#actually in tears rn. god fucking damn it.#im sick of busting my ass to save money for a house ill probably never even have. i dont know what to do.#the housing market is so fucked rn. 150000 for a fucking trailer on an acre of land#outside companies keep buying houses and slumlording them or putting a coat of paint on them and charging x3 what theyre worth#the things that ARE in my price range are like. 3 acres of floodplane. 10x20 foot strip of land between a freeway and a quarry#or a fucking cookiecutter HOA 50+ senior exclusive#im seething rn#i dont know what im supposed to do. i fucjing hate this.
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Everyone tells me to just stay the same (but it's not like that)
Word count: 1640
Summary: Hinata finally decides to tell Rinne about his past at Yumenosaki. CW for Setsubun mentions, identity issues, and mentions of abuse
Read on AO3
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Hinata isn’t entirely sure what compels him to send a message to the leader of Crazy:B. Rinne Amagi had a habit of doting on him and treating him like another younger brother, which he knew Yuta wasn’t a big fan of. Yuta would often call Rinne a bad influence on Hinata, but Rinne was also one of the only people who treated him like a normal kid.
It was kind of addicting in a way. It wasn’t just Rinne who had treated him like that either. The rest of Crazy:B had taken him in as one of their juniors (despite the fact that Kohaku was younger than Hinata) and Alkaloid, or at least Hiiro, had taken a liking to him as well. He treasured those nights that he spent with Niki and Hiiro playing video games and snacking on homemade sweets late into the night.
Maybe it shouldn’t have been surprising that the first person he texted was Rinne on the anniversary of Setsubun. It had only been a year and yet it felt so much longer than that. He was grateful that the year since then had been filled with smiles and warmth, much more than years previous had been. The Amagi brothers were partially responsible for that change in his life.
Rinne responded quickly and asked if he’s alright since he doesn’t normally send cryptic messages like this in the middle of the day. He said he’ll be there in 15 minutes after debriefing with his unit.
Hinata didn’t bother replying to that, instead opting to just tell Rinne everything when he gets to the rooftop garden with him. He needed to figure out exactly what he wanted to tell Rinne anyway. It’s not in the older man’s nature to judge people based on things they can’t control, and he would understand a lot of Hinata’s own problems…probably. Rinne also wasn’t fond of showing weakness in front of other people.
Hinata sat at the edge of the garden, towards the back. Being so high up reminded him of that day, but this was almost cathartic in a way. He was in a better place now, with people who didn’t know about that incident at all and cared for him as his own person. As much as he knew Yuta didn’t like the nickname Rinne gave him, it was a comfort for Hinata.
Hina, such a simple nickname and yet it was a breath of fresh air, a new start, and here he was about to change everything. He just hoped that Rinne wouldn’t change how he talked with Hinata afterwards.
Hinata was dangling his feet over the edge, looking down at the bustling street below when Rinne finally sat beside him.
“What’s up, Hina? Somethin’ on your mind?” Rinne’s voice was gentle today, soft and even. Such a strange contrast to the Rinne most people knew.
“Mmm, you could say that,” he replied, not looking at the older man. “Rinne, have you ever felt like…people don’t see you for you?”
Rinne chuckled. “Every damn day Hina. Even back home…” he trailed off. Hinata knew not to push that topic.
The two of them were like peas in a pod in that sense.
Hinata laughed too. “Yeah, I knew you’d get it.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, Rinne waiting patiently for Hinata to keep going and Hinata searching for the words to say. But just having someone else there helped keep him from spiraling too much.
“I just…feel like people wouldn’t miss me if I was gone, because they see me and Yuta-kun as the same person. It hurts a lot but I don’t know what to do about it because…I feel the same way. Like Yuta-kun and I are one person in two, but that’s not true anymore. I try to keep telling myself that we’re different but it’s hard to change how you think when it’s all you’ve ever known.
Yuta-kun has so many friends and is always laughing and smiling with them and I want to be like that too, but after ah…”
“After what, Hina?”
“After Setsubun fes, people started treating me like I would break at any moment. I’m not grandma’s fine china or anything that will break if you handle it too roughly! But everyone at Yumenosaki can’t seem to get past that video.”
Hinata still couldn’t look at Rinne, but he knew Rinne was confused. He hadn’t known about Setsubun at all. Of course he hadn’t, he didn’t go to school with them and was much too old to have been there at the same time as Hinata even if he had. It’s why he was drawn to him in the first place, along with his roommates, Niki and Hiiro.
“Ah, sorry. You don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, do you?”
“Not a clue.”
“Long story short, I had a mental breakdown on the roof of the school last year and…it was filmed and everyone at the school saw it. It’s not like I had much of a choice in the distribution either, so everyone was just watching me like I wasn’t a real person.”
Rinne moved a hand to Hinata’s back and began rubbing gentle circles between his shoulder blades. There were damp spots on Hinata’s cheeks. He rubbed his eyes with his hands balled up in fists. Why did his lowest moment have to be broadcast to everyone he knew? Why was it made to seem like a spectacle for people to watch and not do anything to help? Even after his monologue to his brother making it clear that he didn’t want to be treated like the same person anymore and not knowing how to distinguish himself without just moving into the background, nobody offered him help.
He was drowning in the unknown and it took the creation of ES and Crazy:B for him to find a lighthouse to guide him to somewhere safe. Even when Crazy:B was against the entire world, hated by everyone, Rinne and the other members never once hurt 2wink. After their collaboration at the nightclub Rinne had taken a liking to Hinata. He was there for him to lean on when he wasn’t sure about the direction of his unit or how to be a big brother or a good senior to the new first years or just how to navigate life.
At some point, Rinne had pulled Hinata into a side hug and just let him cry into his side. Hinata leaned into the touch and allowed himself to let it all out.
Rinne’s hugs were always warm.
It took several minutes of crying before Hinata ran out of tears. His sobs turned to sniffles and he pulled his legs to his chest.
“You didn’t deserve any of that, Hina.” Rinne’s voice was serious, but not cold. It was a warm honey-sweetened tea on a rainy day.
Another stretch of silence. Hinata’s head was spinning and numb and full of cotton.
“But…I know how it feels. When I was younger, I had to keep my emotions in check, especially in front of other people. Any sign of weakness was always punished by my father. ‘A good leader doesn’t cry’ he would tell me.
When my mom died, I was…eight or nine. I couldn’t cry at her funeral and when we returned home I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I’ll spare you the details but he punished me severely. I never wanted Hiiro-kun to see me like that again and I made myself stop feeling. It felt like I was just there to be the next leader of the village, never allowed to be myself.
What I’m tryin’ to say here is that I get it. I know how it feels for people to try and put you in a box that doesn’t fit, and how they treat you when you finally break. It’s okay to be frustrated and angry that it happened, but you can’t let it consume you. Show the world that Hinata Aoi is his own person, that you aren’t just that video and that you’re here to stay.”
Hinata sniffled and leaned more into Rinne’s touch.
“Thanks, Rinne-senpai. It means a lot, heh. I guess we all have our own burdens to carry.”
“Yeah. Life is about learning to carry them and not let them drag you down. If it gets too heavy, I’ll be there to pick you back up and carry it for you.”
“You don’t have to go that far, Rinne-senpai. How will I learn to carry my burdens if you take them for yourself? Wouldn’t that just make it heavier on you?”
“I’ll take on everyone’s burdens if it means they get to smile just for one moment. I’ll fight fate itself if that’s what it takes.”
“I’m not sure why, but I believe that you would find a way to do that, even though most people would say it’s impossible.”
“Thanks for believing in me, Hina.”
Hinata laughed, Rinne lightened the mood just enough that he felt like everything was at peace for the moment. His cheeks were stained with tears and his eyes would be puffy and red when he returned to the dorm, but at least he’d be smiling.
Even if the world was against them, Hinata could count on Rinne at least being in their corner no matter what. Rinne was a lighthouse to people like Hinata, a steady light in the rocky ocean saying that someone is there, watching out for you.
Despite the front that he put up and how he had a bad habit of pushing people away, Rinne was always there when it mattered.
Hinata fell asleep curled up on the rooftop as Rinne hummed a gentle melody from his hometown. And everything was right with the world.
#shay writes#enstars#ensemble stars#hinata aoi#rinne amagi#aoi hinata#amagi rinne#dont tag as ship#i think about them too much. have you seen my meta post on main? have you?#this is based on that. ugh theyre so.#i read setsubun a month ago and then reread night club and i was like. oh this make so much sense#why hinata feels kinda distant from the other characters sometimes#the kid just wants to be normal but he really cant after setsubun huh.#and then you get these new guys who know nothing. and well. second chance.#also i felt like rinne was too direct but also i considered that like. 1) hinata doesnt need stupid riddles and games right now and 2)#rinne was very straight forward with hiiro in the main story so i think he can be up front about this stuff when he knows the situation#calls for it. so i think this is fine. its good. big bro rinne means so much to me do u understand#also he gives the warmest hugs. not necessarily the gentlest or anything but theyre very warm. to me#anywayyyyyyyyyy tag ramble over im waiting for an email from my loan provider#biting and maiming i need to pay my student loans please please please#okay im doneeeeeeee im done i'll cross post this to ao3 in a bit
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hmmmmmm.................vent post under tags...... feel free to give advice or dont¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#i think this is an autism related thing#but i genuinely feel like i wasnt made right for the world we live in#like something is just missing from me that ive never seen ppl talk about#and i know this is going to sound entitled and privileged and i KNOW i know i promise and im so lucky i can even be thinking about this but#it feels weird to have the privilege to be scared#this is specifically in regards to working#like having a job. like going to work#i feel like im missing an extremely important part of my brain or my BEING that is capable ot going through the motions of participating#in society. i never felt that switch of wanting to get a job in high school to make money for myself and get that experience#i feel like there's something i MISSED where everyone took a class on how to apply and go to interviews and write resumes and not be scared#like i NEED to be walked through every SINGLE step because i dont know HOW#and i see my peers and the literal entire world around me participating in this atmosphere and i dont know where to start#im fucking twenty three years old and ive only ever been an intern and an assistant#not even a full year of working#i cant drive and i probably wont ever because thats a whole other can of worms#and that means i have to rely on other people to even get to wherever it was i needed to go#i feel like a fucking child because im missing this knowledge that everyone else seems to have#ive tried i really have but none of it seems simple and its all so much and there arent steps to follow#i mean there ARE but its like 1) look up job 2) apply 3) interview 4) yay you're employed#and im talking about each micro step inbetween#what am i missing#and then theres the fucking demand avoidance that slaps me across the face whenever my mom brings it up to me like i KNOW youre being#supportive and encouraging and its not your fault my brain turns off and decides im full of shame bc i cant CONFRONT ANYTHING#jesus christ#manf i know u can see this maybe dont bring it up to mom i can do that on my own maybe#i WANT to help i just want to help at my own pace but unfortunately the world isnt built around individual paces and nothing revolves#around me. i know this#i want to help my mom i want her to never be stressed about money and to retire and never work or help me pay my student loans but i#genuinely feel like theres a switch that never turned on in my head and im being left behind and i genuinely dont know how to. like be alive
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im not having the best feelings about myself lately :/
#i just cant help but feel dejected and have imposter syndrome!#it sucks man ik the job market sucks and ik but i cant help think about what im doing wrong#oh well .. itll come eventually i suppose. at least i dont have to pay off my loans rn#coral.txt
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#literally how are you supposed to get anywhere in this fucking world#three years out from graduating uni w tens of thousands in debt and after some attempts at other jobs im still making the same hourly rate#as i was right when i graduated#i will never be able to afford a better apartment#i will never get a better job. ive been through so many already#this is the best and easiest ive had and even then its 40 hours a week of bullshit#cant get another job even w all my exp i never hear back from anywhere#whats the point? whats the point????#I'll never pay my loans off I'll never be able to live in more than a shitty crammed room that i can barely walk around in#never own a pet never go anywhere unless my dad fucking pays for it#never have any privacy or space for myself ever again#never going to retire never going to be anyone worth knowing anything about#whats the point whats the point whats the point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! theres no way out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#rant#whatever
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sometimes i entertain the thought of like. everything ending up okay and then i get even more scared and anxious and idk why
#like what if i get a stable job what if i dont have to worry about everyone the way i do rn#what if i do manage to move out what if i do come out and its okay and what if i do get the#confidence to build new relationships and stuff and what if i can cope with my friend moving interstate#and what if my parents splitting becomes the new norm for me and i can manage it and dont break down every second day#and what if i manage to actually work on my original wip on the side#and what if idk i can get published as well#and what if i can come to terms with and move on from all the things that happened in childhood#and what if my brother and i are okay and we can actually have good conversations and what if#im able to reconnect with my cousin and maintain our relationship despite all#and what if my parents are civil with eachother and i can see them in the same room and not worry about whats going to happen#and i can be in their presence without wanting to rio my skin off and i can relax and not mediate every single conversation#and what if i can hug them and what if my friends are right and im not actually a burden#and what if i can still be friends with them and or be at peace with changing relationships#and what if i do manage to pay off all my student debt and other loans i'll probably incur#and what if its like. okay. like.#its such a scary thought and it kight be because it seems so far off and the possibility of it being okay means#that i need to survive this and get through this and thats just another expectation put on me and maybe its scary because#i dont know if i'll be able to meet this expectation either yknow like#its. its a good thing but it seems so stupidly out of reach#you cant imagine what you dont know etcetc#anyways. assignments first existential dread or whatever later#kat talks
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nothing like desperately trying to calm your capitalist hellscape panic so you can stop crying so you can go to work 👌👍
#one a those thangs#freaking out about wasting my life working to pay off loans but i cant freak out about that bc its getting in the way of working
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my roommate and her bf were up again last night...singing together? I felt bad but I had to be like guys...you're really cute but it's 11:30. please. and then she spent like 45 minutes on the phone w her family after that like arguing? 😭 and ik they're in different time zones but like. girl. I was okay today but the office called and said there's an opening bc of a cancelation so I'm going for my MRI tomorrow at 6 am which means a 5am wakeup time...okay!!!
#I was only super dizzy once today I think the caffeine really did the trick#but also!! my tax return came back and I can pay off a good chunk of my loans TODAY#I was planning on it this or next month but this is so exciting. I cant wait until im not in debt anymore#cor.txt
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had a dream where i put my two weeks in at random even though I had nothing lined up and I was being So chill about it ... when in reality I'd be losing my gotdamned mind
#[static]#my brain was like 'well if i dont leave now i'll get stuck here and continue to be unhappy so better jump while i have the courage' LOL#you're not wrong brain .. you're not wrong#but also that would cause financial ruin so ... cant do that!#at least not while i have a car loan to pay off lol
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car shopping while everything is inflated to hell is torture actually. do i drop 5k on a well-used car and risk getting shackled to a bad vehicle; or do i take several more months to save up 10k (at minimum) to get a less-well-used car but also restricting my university progression because my campus is 40+ minutes away + im not paying for a dorm
#shummy screaming into the void#atp im only looking at hondas/toyotas cause at least if i snag one with 100k + miles it's more likely to last longer#but i keep hearing conflicting things from people ESP my family members who HAVE purchased cars in the past#for ex. my pops REALLY does not want to me to pay for anything with more than 70k. which is pretty true but also most 70k cars within a#25 mile radius are at least 7k. so now i have to work more for that BUT my work options are limited because I DONT HAVE A CAR AND I RELY ON#OTHER PPL WITH JOBS WHO ALSO HAVE TO DRIVE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE#ITS A CYCLE!! BUT IM LEANING TOWARDS FOLLOWING HWAT HE SAYS BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO PUT MORE INTO FIXING A CAR THAN WHAT I PAID FOR IT#(70k is pushing it honestly)#and while before i was cautious about taking out any loan....i would only do so if i could pay off a majority of the total price#off the rip.#RRRAGGGHHH I HATE LIVING IN A CITY THAT HATES PEOPLE WITHOUT CARS#I CANT EVEN TAKE THE BUS TO CAMPUS CAUSE IT ONLY RUNS IN THE DEAD OF MORNING + SEVERAL HOURS EARLIER THAN MY AFTERNOON CLASSES!!!#erggg at least i passed all my courses this semester so i can transfer to a closer campus...but that one is in a major metropolitan area so
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