#and i can't even maintain friendships for more than a like two months

[coveredinweeds]

you go out once just to realize that you are, in fact, fucked in the head

[mockingjaaaye]

So, Zoro giving Sanji one of his earrings.

They're aware of what the other feels. They know that the type of love they feel for each other is different from what they feel towards their crewmates, but considering the lives they have, taking risks everyday, they agreed on not pursuing a romantic relationship, maintaining their friendship. Being "nakama" it's more important than whatever desires they have.

But, even if they have this agreement, somedays they just ignore it. Living together and seeing the other everyday it's hard, you know. So, sometimes they just hide in the aquarium, or the bathroom, or the pantry. They can't help but to give in on their desires and let them selves enjoy each other's arms, each others lips, each other's hands. The heat of their bodies, caressing each other's skin, touching each other's hair.

After all this time, months, even years, they need to have these moments to relieve the longing. They don't regret a single bit of their decision, because they totally can be happy with just existing around the other.

At least that's what they tell to themselves.

The thing is that every single day that passes, Zoro can't stop thinking, at least once, about their agreement. Like, f*ck everything. If one of them dies tomorrow, is that gonna be it? They gonna live their last minutes with just stolen moments? They're losing time, goddammit!

So, one night all the crew has been drinking. It's been peaceful days on board of The Sunny, and everyone wanted to have a good time, so, after some hours of celebration he has drunk enough alcohol to feel slightly tipsy but also to begin to feel his inhibitions to wear out.

At one moment, while he's watching his friends start to get sleepy (in fact, Chopper is already sleeping in Robin's lap), he loses sight of the cook.

Zoro quickly locates him, hearing his steps behind him. As he turns and follows the sounds, he sees Sanji walking towards the galley. Right before Sanji enters the room, he locks eyes with him.

They look at each other for one second. Two seconds. Three. When Zoro gets to ten, Sanji turns and disappears through the door.

Zoro doesn't wait another second and he's already walking to join Sanji. He can't say no to those inviting eyes.

When he enters the room, it's dark. Zoro's about to call the blonde, but then he hears the lock of the door and feels the presence of the man he's been wanting to touch all night.

Not even a second after he turns, Sanji is already kissing him, hands on his shirt and his hair, while he pushes the swordsman towards the couch.

This is what he needed. This is what he needs. This is what he always wants to have. Not short moments every 2 weeks, when they can't stand another moment without feeling each other's lips. Not stolen glances during meals. He wants this right now, and every moment from now on.

They've been in each other's life's for years, and they just know that they'll always be there where the other is. If Sanji breathes, he wants to breath with him.

How else can he tell Sanji his own truth.

He tries to say it of through his fingers, he tries with his lips. How else can he tell Sanji "I'm yours. I always have been. I will always be yours".

And as Sanji kisses his neck, his shoulder, his chest, Zoro takes one of his earrings, and with his other hand cups Sanji's face, forcing him to break the kisses to look at him in the eyes.

Sanji looks at him confused, and the look deepens when he feels something cold against his ear. Slowly, the chef rises his own hand and covers the object with his fingers, touching it, trying to figure out what it is.

When he's about to ask Zoro what is going on, he notices the moss-head's left ear with the dim light the full moon provides.

"If you're not ready now, or ever, to forget our agreement, it's okay, but I want you to have this either way", Zoro tells him. "If I don't ever get to wake up with you, if I don't ever get to hold your hand whenever I want to, it's completely okay. But I want you to have a part of me with you. I need you to know that i want you in my life as long as I get to live, but everytime you look at this earring, what i want you to remember is that I'll always be at your side if you ever look for me. No matter what we are or who we are with".

It takes some minutes for Sanji to understand the weight of Zoro's words. To actually realize the size of the swordsman feelings for him. But more importantly, allowing his own love for Zoro to be free, and not forcefully hidden in the deepest part of his heart.

"I want it. Oh lord, I also want it, Zoro", Sanji answers as he starts crying. They kiss, more fiercely this time, but also differently. From now on, they won't have to steal rushed kisses in the middle of the night anymore.

"There's a problem, though", suddenly Sanji says.

Zoro opens his eyes and he swears his heart stops. What could possibly be wrong. Is Sanji already regretting this?

But Sanji smiles at him. "I don't think I can wear this. Can't help but notice that i have none of my ears pierced". And they both laugh.

They fix the problem that same night.

The next day, every single one of their crew mates notice the new piece of jewelry on Sanji's ear and, of course, the lack of one in Zoro's. None of his friends says anything, but they smile when they notice this welcoming change.

[imagine-knowing-a-name]

i was once like you are now

»»————-　★　————-««

Word Count: 815 Pairing: Natasha Romanoff & Reader Warnings: Angst, injuries A/N: idk, this could be utter trash but I just wanted to write and post something again. Even if it's this short fic written in one go at 1am and then never reread, so read at your own risk lol.

»»————-　★　————-««

For so many years, it had just been you and Natasha. Sure, you both had other groups and other friends and lives of your own, but when it came down to it, it would always be just you and her. It was you and her who met on the first day of SHIELD academy, you and her who partnered for every training exercise and sparred together out of hours, and it was you and her who graduated together, taking your roles as official SHIELD agents, together. 

After leaving the dorms of the academy, the two of you moved in together -- a matter of convenience since you shared the same office. You accompanied each other on missions, becoming a formidable pair with your uncanny ability to work in sync as partners, often seeming to predict what the other would do before they'd even decided themselves. 

Truly, the only thing you didn't do together, was teaching. Natasha had one cohort, you had the other, and, with every class taught, the rivalry became more infamous throughout SHIELD. Scoreboards were set up, tallies were kept, and even graduated recruits maintained their allegiance to their academy teacher: one side or the other, as you and Natasha used your students to engage in friendly (but ruthless) competition with each other.

The history between the two of you was undeniable, and to just say that you 'had history' would be putting it too lightly. After all, that history had transcended your friendship and become engrained in the SHIELD values for the last few years' cohorts. It seemed infallible, unstoppable, everlasting.

You suppose that's why it hit so hard when it all came crashing down. And what a crash it was. 

A partnership so long, severed in the same amount of time it took for your spine to snap. 

Now here you were, in an empty apartment across the world from the newest Avenger. Clint will teach the new academy cohort; his group will rival Natasha's. She will continue with her life: a life of missions, secrecy, and public image, all simultaneously. She was picked for the Avengers, to protect the world, and you know that she'll do her job well, like she always does and always has.

You, meanwhile, will never walk again -- a phrase the medics said with such certainty that it left no room for hope -- you will never fight again, run again, spy again. You will never work for SHIELD again. 

The organisation provided for you, as 'a thank you for your service', but mostly because you were injured whilst working for them. They paid for your flight to New Zealand, for the house you now live in, and for the transport of your belongings from yours and Natasha's house to here.

You had to get away�� as far from SHIELD, as far from the Avengers, as far from her as possible. Reasons for them to be here were few and far between, there would be no random drop-ins and check-ups unless the world was ending in the South Pacific Ocean. Finally, you could relax, drop the facade, and feel the emotions you'd refused to feel since it happened. 

You screamed, you cried, and you punched the wall hard enough to give yourself another injury -- one which hurt far less though than any of the others you currently nursed, physically or mentally.

Leaving SHIELD, getting injured... they'd never been in your plan, they weren't your choices, but the move was. Leaving Natasha was your choice. It had been your choice but that doesn't mean you can't miss her, because months later you still do. 

You miss the camaraderie, the inside jokes from shared experiences and shared life; the competition that was always more serious between the students than it ever was for you and Natasha, who at the end of the day anyways returned home together. You miss your life before, but you know you can never return. 

You don't miss the time after the injury; when you were told that full recovery wouldn't be possible and that your career was over. You don't miss when Natasha, who promised to take care of you, was suddenly forced into endless press to 'maintain a positive image' for the newly formed Avengers, lest she lose her job too. And, most of all, you don't miss the dreadful pit in your stomach from when you had asked Nat, your friend, the person you had spent years of your life doing everything with, about her day. She hadn't said anything, but the tears in her eyes had said enough. Because you weren't partner SHIELD agents anymore. She would still do it all, but you were now nothing more than a civilian. She didn't say anything because she couldn't. 

You used to do everything with her, now even the knowledge is classified. Knowing her is above your clearance, so you had to go away.

»»————-　★　————-««

General Taglist: @canvascoloredin @fxckmiup @wizardofstories

[kimbureh]

idk man, online fandom is just not the place for me.

"reblog my art/writing!!!11" "I'll block people who only like my stuff but don't reblog"

this is so intense. I have zero interest in talking to people who are trying to bully me into promoting them. It's as if people are saying:

"If you don't comment on people's fanwork, fandom will die because of you, specifically"

I get it, attention is nice. I'm a creator too. And it's true that current social media isn't conducive of creating and maintaining communities. But you don't build a community with aggression against your own audience.

I don't wanna hang out with people who yell at me about how they don't get enough attention. You're blaming the audience when the real problem goes way, way deeper, and this behavior of prioritizing content promotion over actual human connection is actually part of the issue. Urging people to reblog your stuff may grant you exposure, but it sure doesn't make you any friendships, at least not mine.

-

A few years back, I wanted to refine my comedic writing and started a whacky Fallout 4 blog long after the fandom had seen its peak. I knew there wouldn't be a large audience, but I wanted to see what would happen. Long story short, I regularly invited my followers to send asks I would answer in-character, and honestly had so much fun. I never bullied my audience for only liking and not reblogging. To the contrary; I respect my audience and their prerogative to decide for themselves what they do want to share on their blogs and what they don't. It's *their* blogs. I cannot grasp the audacity of some creators to demand space on people's personal blogs. I really can't.

I only had the Fallout blog for like 8 months and got more audience attention than I could deal with at times. I had such a blast, getting asks, replying to them, building in-jokes with my followers. I ended the blog with a small event and was met with a flood of lovely comments and good-byes. Today, four years later, I post on that blog maybe one or two times a year. And even though most of my followers unfollowed me when I ended the blog, I still get the occasional lovely comment. After four years, people still remember the great time we had.

Good thing I didn't block all those wonderful people who mainly liked but didn't reblog. Word got around nonetheless. I found the audience I was looking for. Dunno if I would have had the same relaxed experience with a crowd who was bullied into the interaction.

-

idk, man. What is online fandom?

I don't like how we treat each other. Fandom is not a marketplace. I am not selling myself or my creations, I want to treat you better than a simple customer. At its heart, fandom is a gift economy. You don't owe me a thing. If you don't want to give freely, I won't take it with force. I respect you and myself too much for that.

I think we can still find our people in fandom, without exploiting our audience as market-criers.

[shimmerofstars]

Upon rewatch, Arcane actually has two layers with regards to Jayce, Mel and Viktor. The framing of the show suggests one thing, and depicts another. Watching Viktor cough up blood in between Mel and Jayce making out makes the whole experience uncomfortable at best and suggests Jayce is choosing Mel over Viktor or his science work, especially when later, Jayce going to Mel for comfort over Viktor's prognosis fades from this (Jayce laying on Mel's lap):

To this (Viktor sitting alone in front of hextech mixed with his blood):

except...

Jayce was with Viktor, spending time with Viktor by his bed at the hospital right before he went to Mel for emotional support.

And that scene where Jayce makes love with Mel? That's literally in the middle of the night- the stars are out. He's not at work because he's not on work hours. He's not choosing anyone over anything, he's having a romantic life and events outside of his work while also maintaining his friendships.

Or the framing of this scene in episode 5:

Jayce: Yesterday's smuggling fiasco was nothing. These manifests are full of discrepancies, dating back months.

Viktor: This is a poor use of out time.

Jayce: I'm a councilor now, Viktor. It's my responsibility to make sure the hexgates are safe and protected.

Viktor: What about our pledge to improve lives, for those in need? For the undercity?

Jayce: [sighs] Look, I'm sorry I didn't announce our other projects in my speech. Soon we can do everything we-

Viktor: Soon? There are people who need our help now, Jayce.

Which can be interpreted as Jayce thinks trade discrepancies are of equal or more pressing concern than the lives of those in the undercity or that Jayce is prioritizing the lives of future citizens over the people he could help now, except...

Before Mel suggests that Jayce, a scientist who's familiar with the technology and is proficient enough in social situations and public speaking that Heimderdinger allowed him to give the annual Progress Day speech, should be elevated to the position of councilor and specifically given the responsibility of tracking down the person who stole the hexgem, the two options were:

a) do nothing about the fact that the hexgem, which is extremely powerful and can power almost anything (including weaponry) has been stolen by someone willing to kill six people to get it

or

b) shut down everything powered by the hexgems so that they can't be accessed by the thief until they find the missing hexgem

The council controls all of the activities of hextech and has the ability to control if, when and how the technology is used, which would include the distribution of hextech into the hands of the people. Considering the fact that the council is already highly wary of magic and currently believes that the stolen hexgem will likely be used as a superweapon, there is a zero percent chance that the council would approve of mass producing hextech to distribute to the people, especially for people of the undercity, who the council likely perceives as inherently more dangerous or less worthy, or both. Jayce being a councilor and taking his duties as councilor seriously gives hextech its only chance at independence (as Mel put it: "With that comes the potential to shape your own destiny") and distribution to the people living in the undercity. Which would only be possible if 1. Jayce gives the council the reassurance they need that the technology will be safe in the people's hands by addressing or catching the thief and 2. Jayce having a vote himself increases the chances that a motion to distribute the technology would get passed. Meaning that Jayce needs to take his duties as councilor seriously to achieve his and Viktor's dreams of helping the people, and he is just as concerned as Viktor is. Even if Jayce gave up his councilor duties/work to achieve the ultimate form of hextech with Viktor (like Viktor wanted him to) that's the perfect medicine/healing technology, it wouldn't mean anything if none of it could get to the people because the council believes it's too dangerous.

Anyways I just can't quite figure out why Arcane is sort of framing Jayce as someone who's prioritizes Mel/his councilor work over Viktor/helping the people while showing that Jayce's councilor work is important to helping people and dedicating multiple scenes to show that Jayce does hangout with/work with Viktor.

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hi, big fan of your ace and aro art!

Genuine question here: How do you maintain a long distance relationship with your QPP (queerplatonic partner)?

Hey! Thank you so much for the kind words, that means a lot TwT

Regarding your question, apologies for the long shit incoming in advance, I'll probably share way more than what's needed, but anyway:

OK, to be honest, I should mention that I'm used to long-distance in most of the relationships in my life anyway, so that's kinda my bread and butter. I was bullied in my small town schools and later I went on to study foreign languages, so all of that created circumstances that made it natural for me to create real friendships mostly with people online or in foreign countries. I've always been more of a "next country rather than nextdoor" type of person to begin with, and my partner was no exception I guess.

We got to know each other online, so we were sort of used to the bulk of our relationship being online when we decided to be in a QPR. It was my partner's suggestion before we even got to meet IRL, and to be honest I'd never had a romantic or queerplatonic partner before and didn't fully grasp what it meant at the time, but it sounded nice, so I went for it! We met up IRL in 2018, a couple months after that (I was meeting up IRL for the first time with another friend who also happened to live in the area, in retrospect I really appreciate everyone's patience as I imposed a double visit and splitting my time in two between them TwT) and at that time it only cemented how much of a vibe it was.

After that, I was saving to visit them again in 2020, but... Y'know, the shit happened. The US (where my partner lives) enforced a travel ban on my country and several others that lasted until November 2021. It was incredibly hard during those times. We called very often, but since I'd been all riled up on the idea of hugging them again, and I was very affection-deprived because no one was allowed to see anyone or touch anyone (and that was pretty heavily monitored by cops for quite a while in my country), it wasn't enough for me to feel OK. The only way one could travel from a banned coutry to the US was to stay 14 days in a non-banned country and then travel from there – which I ended up doing in mid-2021 because I was basically going nuts. It was pretty damn expensive, but since nothing had been allowed for a while it's not like I'd spent my money on much, so I had savings, and I needed to prove myself that I could do it. We reunited IRL then for a good week. Then, because they'd fairly recently got a job (which meant more income for travel) and because US citizens WERE allowed to travel to banned countries, THEY visited me in September 2021 (and we formally promised to marry each other someday then, so even travel bans couldn't separate us in the future).

Despite all that, come late October 2021 and with no end in sight for the travel ban, I'd completely spiralled into despair over our future again. The travel ban and other restrictions made seeing each other so much harder and it was seriously taking a toll. Despite everything we'd managed that year, at that time, it felt so hard I was having serious self-endangering thoughts for the first time in my life, and I wanted to give up. That lasted about a couple days until I talked about it to them over videocall and heard their words of support and saw their face and got all angry like "fuck no, they can't take that away from me". So, because they're who they are, and because of extra support from some friends which meant a lot, despite everything, we didn't give up.

Now I'm free to travel to them again so honestly? Maintaining a long-distance relationship feels really easy right now. We text every day, videocall at least once a week and send each other care packages with gifts for our birthdays, holidays and special occasions. (Our time zone difference is 9 hours, which is convenient, cus when I wake up they're more or less about to go to bed so we can chat for a bit, when my workday is over theirs hasn't started yet, and when they're having lunch I'm having dinner, so we often share meals and watch stuff together over video calls.) We're both working adults with a stable source of income, which definitely plays into a lot, cus that means we're much more free to save up and make plans to visit each other – and by god ever since 2021 we've been making much more frequent plans, as of today we have 3 meetups more or less planned, one of them coming up this month actually, so that's pretty great^^

I do live in fear of another travel ban coming out of nowhere, so I do hope we can marry someday – though that'll be its own whole can of worms in terms of coming-out and immigration hardships, but we're determined to work through it. We're determined not to be long-distance forever. Kinda sucks that we have to go through something as amatonormative as marriage to achieve that, but also, ehh, y'know what, if that means someday I get to hang out with them in person everyday, it ain't that bad. It's a means to an end. And I guess it's a cute idea in a way.

...Welp that was way too long. tl;dr it's not easy every day. Some circumstances out of your control can really put you through the ringer sometimes. But on the flip side that means you get out of it stronger and the whole thing's kind of a virtuous circle. The more you fight for it, the more precious it is to you, and the more precious it gets to you, the more you want to fight for it. Kinda comes naturally to me at this point, so, I guess, don't make it a chore. It never felt like one to me. It's all a treasure if anything.

[deshaunicus]

Just sharing two of my favorite photos from 2023, but I also really need to just vent a little. The past year was a trying one for me.

There were some positives, for sure, and I've already written about those elsewhere. Today, however, I want to unload some of the more stressful things. I don't plan on going into a ton of detail, but I think I need to say it somewhere because I haven't been in a good place.

Work

The biggest source of stress for me has been losing my job at the end of June. I made a big move and left my finance job of 15 years to work for a non-profit media company in early 2022, and I got laid off about 18 months later. Make no mistake here: I loved that job and all the people I worked with. It was kind of heartbreaking to leave a place that made me feel so welcome. In the time since then, I've applied to a ton of jobs, and I've had only one interview. The interview that I was able to get wasn't even through the traditional application method—I had a friendly rapport with a recruiter and managed to land an interview that went all the way to its final round. Unfortunately, I didn't get that job and it was crushing. The little bit of savings I had has been depleted, and my unemployment ends in a few weeks. Job searching is fundamentally broken and it doesn't appear to be improving.

I've always struggled to get paid photo gigs, and despite what I'd consider to be a solid catalog of work, it has been difficult to consistently get in front of people who can offer paid opportunities. To that point, I had 4 paid concert gigs last year, out of 26 gigs total. I did have a handful of photography gigs that were not live music related, and I'm incredibly grateful for those, because they've helped to keep my rent paid for a little longer. Still, these are only occasional drops of income that aren't sustainable. I don't know what to do, and I'm pretty exhausted.

Relationships

Last year was possibly one of the loneliest years I can remember. Thankfully, my best friendships are still intact and I don't see that changing. However, there were just a lot of transitions that were starting to settle in for me. Most of my friends are married and/or have children, and quite a few of them have moved away too. It doesn't mean the friendships have dissolved—they're just different now and can't be maintained in quite the same way. Unfortunately, I still find myself occasionally revisiting abandoned friendships from years ago and grieving in one way or another—usually by having a flash of anger and then disappointment.

Romantic relationships were nonexistent. In fact, I essentially swore off of dating early in the year after a particularly demoralizing experience. Losing my job, of course, cemented that hiatus for me.

Professional relationships have also struggled. My attempts to nurture new relationships with artists, editors, and creative staff for photo work were fruitless. I did have a couple of people who successfully recommended me for work, but my own personal outreach was unsuccessful.

Outlook

I have made an effort to take the time and look back on the good things that have happened. I don't have selective memory about the good and bad things, but the bad things have been a mess. I don't know how I'll pay rent next month. If I manage to pay that, then the month after that becomes the new major concern, and so on. This is worse than paycheck to paycheck—there are no paychecks.

When friends casually mention things like plans for kids and marriage to me, I no longer confidently believe either of those things are in my future. Instead, I feel unlovable.

My sleep schedule is completely upside down now, and I don't leave my apartment for days at a time. I'm tired, and I would like to have one bit of security back.

On the very, very slim chance that you've reached the end of this, I applaud you. Part of the reason this is here is because I don't think very many people will check.

I hope that whatever 2023 was for you, 2024 ends up being better.

[threadbaresweater]

Howdy! I wanna ask a non fic related question cause I feel like I’m doing bad and I really look up to my perception of you (I know I don’t know you and want to respect that boundary though so feel free to ignore!) but do you have a lot of friends in person? I find that I’ve always struggled to make and keep friends and when I did have friends I later found out we didn’t align and now I’m 30 with like two friends and feel like I’m super isolated because I’m “strict” morally and maybe it was a mistake to be that way :/

Hi!

First of all, thank you for trusting me to answer this for you. I truly don't think you're doing anything wrong, and I suspect you're being a little hard on yourself because of what you might perceive others are doing (or maybe I'm projecting onto you because I tend to do this sometimes).

I have a lot of acquaintances. The few people I would consider friends are also colleagues– most of them are from the music gigs I have. Most of us have children and are super busy with performances and our other jobs that we really don't have time to do the hanging out thing outside of our daily lives, but we do catch up in person occasionally, and text each other when we can. I'm also not great at maintaining friendships because I find that over time, I don't align with people– either due to our personal beliefs or because of other lifestyle choices. My closest friend and I (we've known each other since we were 12) have drifted apart in the last couple of years because of this. I haven't spoken to her in over a year now.

I can't speak for others, but I do find it really hard to maintain friendships in this season of my life. My mom has a group of women she goes to dinner with once a month, and they've been friends for years, but all their children are grown and they have a lot more free time than I do.

Even if you don't have children, work and other obligations are difficult to balance with a social life. My advice to you would be to enjoy what you do have. Embrace the little moments when you can laugh with a coworker or relate to something someone talks about. Try not to have expectations for yourself or others, but don't be afraid to connect if you feel like it could be a positive relationship!

I don't know if any of this helps you feel better (hopefully it doesn't make you feel worse!). I do think as we get older, we are more discerning about the kind of people we want to associate with, which can make it difficult to find friends if we aren't going out of our way to find them. Be patient with yourself and others. And always be yourself so that when you do forge a connection, you know it's genuine.

[solarwynd]

https://www.tumblr.com/solarwynd/736172349764878336/httpswwwtumblrcomsolarwynd736164064837943296?source=share

last time I remember him saying something real about jimin on live was early 2021 when he was asked about tmi (not even ab jm) and said he stole his food while hanging out lol, 2021 was also the last year we saw them being very close friends

tbh I wouldn't mind him namedropping jimin on every live if at least his in person behavior matched that "interest" shippers say he has for him. Like... in tae's case he talks about jk on every live sometimes even makes up scenarios about him and is very annoying but at least he maintains the same attitude when they are in the same room, he doesn't ignore him or show any bad attitude towards him. while jk may not namedrop any of the other members but is always giggles and heart eyes when being with them but he can't go one group live without showing how annoyed he is by jm and feeding the "harassed" agenda.

about the sasaeng topic... I feel terribly but I just can't feel bad for him anymore. I know the stalker is the one that should be blamed and I do but man you literally said in one of your lives that whoever recognized you on the street was welcomed to approach you then someone takes your words for real and you start crying ab privacy and stuff? what were you expecting to happen? feeding yns and keeping your life private are two things that cannot coexist and you are very aware of that, this is the same man from a few years ago that showed up on social media every 3 months and we all wanted to fight for cause it was very unfair that a boy who made such a big effort to have a normal life would be bother by strangers on the phone. now he lives a reality show and pretends things not to get worse

“tbh I wouldn't mind him namedropping jimin on every live if at least his in person behavior matched that "interest" shippers say he has for him.”

Said the same exact thing but not with shippers, like how he acts with his other 97 line friends at least, cause he hangs out with them more than anything now. And I’m not saying that he needs to hang out with jm every waking minute to solidify their friendship, but outside of pre made schedules they’re not together at all like they use to be so how else am I supposed to view it?

I don’t think jk is truly “annoyed” by jm. I became an army early 2018 and I feel like those two were extremely close that year. jk was probably more touchy than jm was. Ultimately I think jk picks and chooses when he wants to reciprocates the affection cause just this past live the 4 of them did, he was very touchy on jm. And I think that (paired with shippers warped mentalities) makes it come off like it’s one sided since jm’s a very affectionate person.

“but man you literally said in one of your lives that whoever recognized you on the street was welcomed to approach you then someone takes your words for real and you start crying ab privacy and stuff?”

-😬 Damn I forgot he said that. Granted I do feel like he meant when he’s out and about in public not standing outside his house (still dumb) but I agree with the feeding y/ns and keeping his privacy not being able to coexist cause it’s the truth. He’s gonna have to decide which is more important eventually though. Being these peoples’ “best friend” or setting more strict boundaries.

[bad-advice-its-very-bad]

tw general mentions of mental health

so i have this friend. let's call them emily. i've known emily for two years now, and they've grown to be one of my closest friends. mostly because we both really struggle with mental health stuff and at that point in my life no one else knew about those struggles. we helped each other through a lot of really crappy stuff and times. the difference is, in those two years, i've gone to, and am still in therapy, and have learned coping skills, have a support system etc etc etc ive tried convincing emily (on numerous occasions) to do the same, but they consistently refuse to do so, and they still pretty much only have me. there's also a ton of other stuff, but i could write a ten page essay about that. pretty much, our friendship, even though it's great feels kind of one-sided where im reaching out and they take weeks or months to respond (if they do at all) and dont really talk to me when we see each other in person and it's just getting really draining emotionally. so a few days ago, i finally make the decision to, well, not cut them off but pretty much tell them i'd had enough and im going to take a break for a while. they responded and pretty much just went straight to the self-deprecation (pretty much im sorry im so worthless and can't even maintain a friendship). and while im just so relieved that i've cut them off, more or less, to some degree, im just so worried since im all they have and if im gone who knows what will happen. so what should i do?

sorry for the long message

hum, that’s a tricky one.

First things first, I’d shove a WHOLE lotta resources on mental health in their messages. I know it may seem like your annoying them, but if it’s that bad they deserve to know there’s helplines and chats and groups that they can turn to. (I suggest vet them before you send them)

Secondly, sometimes it’s hard for people to realize they are allowed to reach out for help. Even if they only think it’s minor or it will take valuable space for others that “ are worst than them” But they have every right to reach out for help, their allowed to go to people with minor issues or major issues. And if you can somehow get that through their head you’ll probably see some improvement.

thirdly, I don’t think they can access traditional in person therapy as it seems. You can never know why, personally for me it’s a whole BIG awful talk about my mental health that I never want to tell my family. And it might be a similar situation with your friend, so unorthodox ways to get that same therapy experience might benefit them alot.

fourthly, you can’t help everyone. Sometimes it’s on them to figure out how to cope and understand how to get better, and even though you love them and care deeply it’s hard to get them to understand that. If you’re worried your friend might be engaging in risky behaviors (S/H, alcoholism, drugs, suicidal behavior, taking too many risks for no apparent reason.)

I suggest trying to talk to them about harm reduction.

fifthly, you being emotionally drained and exhausted by being their therapist friend is totally valid. your friend saying self deprecating things is just a symptom of a bigger problem they have, it's not your fault or anything you need a break from them. if they were in the same situation they would do the same thing, it's hard to manage both your mental health and your friends. I don't blame you for being exhausted, the reason I do this stuff is because I'm exhausted by my own problems and this is a healthy and constructive way to help both you and me. your helping your friend out of love, but also obligation.

I think a good plan to do is.

give your friend a pep talk and show them tons of alternate ways to access therapy that is not in person.

give them helpline information and tell the "I've known you for so long, I'd never try to hurt you. I just want you to know there's options if life gets hard and I'm not around

tell them about harm reduction, and CURB any and all negative connotations about addiction and self harm. if they are suffering the best thing you can do is be accepting and show them ways to safely and also reduce the harm of the addictions/self harm.

tell them if they are being abused. in anyway period, they can trust you to not victim blame or something without knowing the full story. we don't know what's happening with them, but we have to be kind and caring if that's the reason for her mental health. tell them "it was never your fault, you didn't know." or "you were just a kid, it was never you that was the problem but how you were treated. it's okay to be upset or angry, or grieve the life you should have had. that's normal. trust me I'm here for you."

also if the whole abuse thing is a yes, give them tons of abuse helplines. you and I don't know how to go forward with that knowledge but the helplines know how to.

support them and tell them truely why you feel drained (if you Hadn't already.) and tell them you actually care alot about them and this is not an attack or that your mad at them or anything. your overwhelmed too, and you both should feel not overwhelmed. (VERY IMPORTANT, YOU HAVE TO SAY YOUR NOT ANGRY OR ANYTHING. mentally ill people tend to think the worst if you don't say it. be kind and caring, and they should not feel so bad.)

if that doesn't work, I think you yourself should call a helpline and ask about strategies to help your friend. they should know a lot more than both you and me.

thank you for sending an ask in, this has been interesting!

I hope you can figure out a way to help your friend.

if worst comes to worse, I suggest you give your friend character.ai's psychologist's link to your friend. it's better than nothing, and it's surprisingly helped me too. so it might help your friend open up.

here's the link LINK

I hope I was able to provide a push in the right direction, remember this is the BAD advice blog. not everything will work, sometimes we both have to fail a bit to figure out the best way to help people.

[champagnepodiums]

You once said we could come to you with anything and here I am. I'm sorry in advance if I ruin your mood but my goodness it sucks being lonely. I can't talk to people I really fucking want to, pretty sure my only best friend ever and I are no longer even acquaintances, guys are never interested in me and I just want someone to come give me a hug and be there for me ya know which leaves me here ranting unasked to a virtual stranger. You mentioned you have a kid which means you're an adult adult and I just want to know if it ever gets better? Do you ever actually find someone who wants you and all of you - the good, the bad, the ugly or is it better to not hope for silly things like that? Also I would be so thankful for just any advice you or other proper adults or really other baby adults who are pretty mature have for me

- a sad bitch who's turned 18 and is now legally an adult but doesn't feel like one

When I said my inbox was open for anything, I meant it. You haven't ruined my mood at all, I'm honored you feel comfortable coming to me for advice.

Does it get better?

Yes. It definitely does.

I will admit though when it comes to love, I am an anomaly as I met my husband two months after I turned 18... We've been married for 5 years now. We are definitely the exception and not the rule.

But this man has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of me (and I'd argue that there has been more bad and ugly than there has been good) and he's still here, he still loves me, he accepts me for who I am.

I don't think it's silly to hope for things like that, but I understand the cynicism. I've spent a lot of my life thinking that I was not worthy of love, that somehow I did not deserve it and I've finally realized that yes, I do and so do you.

But it gets better. I swear it gets better, I am living a life that I could not have imagined when I was 18, a happy life with friends that value me.

Friendships are hard. I guess I should also attach the disclaimer that I'm on the autism spectrum and maintaining friendships is an area that I deeply struggle. It's taken me a long time to figure out how to be a good friend and how to find good friends (and I wish I had the magic answer to how to make friendships work and work long term but I don't. It's all trial and error and remembering that its okay if they don't text you back right away, they likely don't hate you.)

The best thing that has helped me is just involving myself in different communities -- it's an easy way to find people that you know you have at least one thing in common with. It's probably why I'm so active in online spaces and honestly, without online spaces, I probably wouldn't be here. I used to feel a lot of shame for having mostly online friends but I've grown out of that shame -- it's easier for my autistic brain to type words than it is for me to speak them and it's more comfortable. So I guess alls that to say is to find where you're comfortable at. Sometimes just existing in a community can lead to wonderful friendships (it has for me).

My other big piece of advice that I've found has helped me tremendously is to find the small things that make you happy and hold onto them, look forward to them and don't care what other people might think of them. For me, those things are motorsport and TV shows -- so I always have something to look forward to. It's also cheesy romance novels that I read on Kindle Unlimited that I can 100% predict ahead of time. It's my 30 spreadsheets that I have filled with driver social media data. It's the historical research, the newspaper archives I'm combing through. It's the one fic I'm working on that I think about like 200000x more than I actually spend working on it. Small things that make me happy because life is short and who cares if other people think they're dumb?

Lastly, I'm here for you. I'm sending virtual hugs. Hopefully some of the other adults that follow me will drop some more advice for you. But really, feel free to drop into my asks if you need specific advice or if you want somebody to talk to -- about anything, please DM me. I don't judge, I just have love here.

I hope some of this helps.

(More advice for you was sent in here)

[lord-radish]

I don't talk about this openly because it's a touchy subject, but I've really gotta get out of the drinking game. I've got issues with alcohol, and I've had these issues for years at this point, but I can't seem to escape it due to both mental problems and general proximity.

Like I have a friend who frequents a bar next door to where I live. I'll be passing through as a shortcut and say hello, and he'll like. repeatedly prompt me to get a beer. Like genuinely badger me until I give in and have a beer with him. Same thing on Sundays, he pushes me to drink repeatedly even if I clearly and repeatedly state that I don't want a beer. My family is full of alcoholics, and being drunk lets me be more social with them, so when I see family I can't escape it.

But I'm also really insecure and have a lot of trouble being around people when I'm sober, and alcohol loosens me up. It helps to be around other people and to get on their level when I get drunk, when my sober self is clearly running at a diminished capacity on that front. I stutter, I don't have timely comebacks and it's hard to maintain conversation. I was bullied for years and have reduced social skills because of that.

But I'm at a point where I have to stop. I drank two bottles of bourbon this weekend. It was a fun time and a good weekend, but it makes me feel so sick for days and I get caught in this loop of binge-drinking that eats up all my time and money. It's having an effect on my physical and mental health too, and I'm just flat-out less productive when I'm drunk and subsequently hungover. I feel sick all the time. I want to get out of this.

I vent a lot about my former best friend - and that's a situation where I acted extremely shittily, but the hatred for that guy is just sort of in me now. There was a point right at the end of our friendship where I had just been sober for three and a half months due to a health issue, and due to an ongoing mental health episode and a growing sense of isolation and detachment from my friends, I gave in and began drinking again.

In that moment I needed alcohol. It was a bad choice but it was a dark, dark time. But in hindsight, one of the most disturbing parts was the morning after. I felt fantastic, I was full of energy, and I gladly left the house after breaking my sobriety and went to hang out with my former best friend. We'd been growing apart because while I was sober, I began to notice how uncomfortable and hypervigilant of myself I was around him, and that led to avoidance and a few tense moments between us - but hungover and rushing on endorphins, I went to hang out with him.

And he told me that I seemed "like myself" again.

I've thought about this, and one reason I began binge-drinking the way I do was to pacify myself and be more pliable to my surroundings, where everyone else is calling the shots and I'm just along for the ride. A lot of that came back to my former best friend - he always took the passenger seat when we went driving with friends, he always had the aux cord, it was always about him. The decision to binge-drink to cope with my negative emotions was a personal decision that I made, and the negativity encompassed more than just our friendship, but I was having a prolonged negative experience with my best friend of the time, and that didn't help.

The disturbing part, in hindsight, is that alcohol abuse made me more agreeable. When I stopped drinking, things got tense between us. When I began drinking again, I was "like myself" again. Granted, I was happier after a mental health crisis and a growing sense of agitation and dissatisfaction. But I was wallpapering over my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with that friend by binge-drinking, and maybe that tenseness was justified considering how hard our friendship imploded just two months later.

Now I have a job and my own place to live. My personal issues are more general than they used to be - I was living in an actively hostile environment, and I was friends with someone who made me feel like I was always walking a tightrope. I have my own space, and I've made new friends - one of which actively drives me to drink when I don't actually want to, but things are just outright better, warts and all.

But it all comes back to alcohol. I'm not drinking as hard as I was during the pandemic - that's what gave me the health problem that I went sober for - but I am drinking a LOT. I drank two bottles of bourbon this weekend. I'm taking the day off work and losing money because I just need one day to myself to sort my shit out. Alcohol is ruining my life. It helps with my social issues, but it is ruining my life in so many other ways. And I'm not going to mention just how deep this all goes, but it's bad.

I don't really know what to do. I can't just announce it publically, because I'm almost certainly going to backslide on it at some point. I think quitting drinking is going to alienate me from some of my current friends, and I genuinely like them. Even the guy who badgers me to drink is a good guy who's treated me very well in the aftermath of losing my previous friends. I like spending time with him. But the writing is very clearly on the wall; I need to stop.

The issue is support. My entire world is built on the back of alcohol. My family and friends are both strong links to alcohol. I was seeing a counsellor for a long time who didn't think I needed to quit, I just needed to learn to moderate - that's been out of the question for years, I know what this is. I had another one before her who made me feel really judged for my issues with alcohol. And I've had very intense codependent internet friendships before that I don't want to even risk slipping back into, so this isn't a cry for help in the sense that I'm looking for a sober buddy on Tumblr to try and help me. I'm not putting any of you through that. I'm not.

Mostly this is just me getting my thoughts in order and expressing myself. It helped to get this all off my chest. I don't know where to go from here, but talking about it was a big first step. Like just as a disclaimer, I'm going to be fine going forward and I feel a lot better having spoken about this, so don't feel too concerned or alarmed - in the immediate sense, removed from the broader issues I discussed in this post, I'm fine. But yeah I just really needed to talk about my issues with alcohol, because my continued alcohol abuse is really bad for me in a lot of ways and it's really hard to take any sort of first step y'know. Hoping I can leverage this post into something more productive for the long term. Sorry for trauma-dumping on main.

[snowdrrops]

BURY MY HEART

feat. ! ichisaki/sakiichi summary ! ichika buries her heart from her first love twice

In the span of Ichika's life, there are some people whom she'll never forget, as well as those she wished she could.

The very first person she fell in love with without even knowing was one of those people whom she sometimes wanted to scrub away from her memory.

If given a decision, she'd want to go back to a time when she did not start to notice that the feelings within her had started to blossom from platonic affections to romantic ones.

Nevertheless, Ichika was content with just being Saki's friend. Being able to admire her quietly by the side was more than enough for Ichika. What was the point of giving her feelings a voice when she was already at her happiest?

Plus, Saki would probably be at a loss of what to do if faced with this confession. Their friendship would turn awkward, and eventually wither like flowers during winter.

So, Ichika hid her heart and feelings from her best friend.

And then Saki got sick.

People are meant to grow apart. Whether it be the change of schools or merely drifting from each other, some friendships couldn't fight against the tide of time.

Ichika never thought that she would, one day, not speak to Saki anymore. As children, they were inseparable. What could change as they got older? As it turns out, a lot.

It was a Saturday.

Ichika was in her room, practising a new song on her guitar. She would usually record a video of her final product and send it to Saki for feedback.

She had just finished recording when her mother burst into her room, a look of panic and urgency etched across her face.

"Dear, I have some news, please don't take it too hard."

Saki was the glue holding their friend group together. After the news of her hospitalisation, things had grown gloomy and unenergetic. Soon, some of them had started to not show up to the regular rehearsal sessions. Eventually, only Ichika and Shiho remained.

"Well, we can't rehearse like this. It's only the two of us," Shiho said, back slumped against a wall. It had been about two months since Saki was hospitalised, and that rehearshal session had felt particularly empty and devoid of emotion.

"Yeah. Things have really changed after Saki left, huh?" Ichika replied, sitting down beside her.

Shiho took a glance at Ichika before letting out a dry laugh. "You must miss her the most, out of us all."

Ichika's head snapped in Shiho's direction, alarm spreading across her features.

"I don't know if the rest of them noticed, but I sure did. You were in love with her, weren't you?"

Ichika let out a long sigh, gaze fixed on the floor. Of course out of all people, Shiho would notice. Nothing escaped the sharpness of her eye. "You know, I wanted to keep it from her. But now, a part of me wishes that Saki knew, so that she could have used my feelings as an emotional support of sorts."

"I think she already knows that you'll be there for her, no matter what happens," Shiho said, a reassuring glint present in her eye.

"You think so?"

"Yes, I do."

A few moments of comfortable silence passed between them.

"Well, I guess this is the end of our band?" Ichika asked.

"Until Saki comes back, hopefully."

"Well then," Ichika stood up and offered a hand to Shiho, "See you in school."

"Likewise, Ichika."

Seeing her again was like reopening her heart, the feelings she had bottled up from years ago pouring out into the open. More importantly, Ichika was just so, so glad to see Saki healthy again.

She was the same as always; her energetic and bubbly personality immediately caught the attention of several classmates, and Ichika felt a sense of protectiveness before she reminded herself of who she was to Saki.

They were not best friends anymore, Ichika had no right to pry into Saki's life. She had to maintain a distance away, despite her heart telling her to go for it and greet the other girl like she would as a child. This realisation hit her hard right in the chest, and she felt her heart ache.

"NIce to meet you, Hoshino! Let's be friends."

Ichika looked up at the sound of her voice, and was surprised to find Saki pulling out a chair beside her and settling into it.

It was so much like their middle school days that a sense of deja vu washed over her.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming back?"

"Sorry, but I wanted to surprise you!" Saki said excitedly with a smile, and Ichika forgot why she was miffed in the first place. This was the very same smile she was enchanted by, years ago when they were mere children who didn't know what love was.

Ichika gave a small smile. She really didn't change, after all.

Most of all, Ichika felt a gigantic sense of relief wash over her entire being. Saki was speaking to her as if they had never drifted.

"I'm really happy you're back. I've missed you," Ichika beamed at her, hoping that her expressions wouldn't betray the heavy pounding of her heart.

"Hey, don't talk like that with a serious face! You're going to make me tear up!" Saki replied, in a playful tone.

Seeing how happy she was now, Ichika just did not have the heart to confide in her about her hidden feelings. Perhaps this was an omen that they would do much better as friends, as they always have been.

Maybe, when the timing felt right and Ichika no longer loved Saki like she did now, she'd open up. But for now, she decided to leave things as they were. Ichika wouldn't even consider placing her hidden affections over Saki's happiness, especially since she just came back. Saki was within Ichika's grasp now, and she'd make sure to never let her out of sight again.

•    .             .               ✦

directory

[metamusings]

saturday, 9 july, 2022 | 07:35

sometimes i am doing nothing. sometimes i am doing everything. sometimes i am lost and find myself back there. sometimes i feel like i've never left. no matter the twists and turns my mind takes i always wind up back at thoughts of you.

i wish it was a lot more romantic than that.

it'll be a month in a week and i think that that's something. part of me thought i was being nuts again, it couldn't have been that long. but i checked (i hate that i checked) and there it was. 6pm on june 15, an ordinary wednesday. ruined.

i won't sit here and moan about how "i don't know what i've done." you've made it as clear as it needed to be. i supposed i had hoped two and a half years of friendship, that deep and trusting kind, weren't so easily dashed.

i don't know how i'm supposed to feel about it. how i'm supposed to maintain mutual friends when you can't stand to be in the same room as me. how i'm supposed to reassure myself that we've both objectively done nothing wrong when it hurts this bad.

i think about you and i get so angry. i imagine scenarios where you approach me at a party and i brush you off and curl up in the lap of some hot rando and take a sip from their drink all smug. or i walk away and you follow me and we dont yell at each other, i just tell you fuck off and keep walking away. or i spit at your feet and i spill my heart to you because holy shit you hurt me and i don't know how to recover from this.

because i guess it's that. i'm hurt, more than anything. if i'm not mad i'm just desperate to stop feeling this all consuming sadness that i somehow managed to ruin yet another good thing, that i somehow managed to drive away another good person. i want to drink myself into a stupor and feel nothing if it means i can escape this.

i'm tired of crying over men who don't love me. i'm tired crying over men who clearly never saw me. i'm tired crying over men who see my first sign of visible mental illness (mental illness they damn well knew i had) and running away. i'm tired of being a fucking project that gets worked on for two fucking years and then promptly abandoned. i hate being told i was your friend when really i was nothing more than, "no, but really, i can fix them."

i don't know what to do with myself anymore. how do you rebound from someone who wasn't your boyfriend? who wasn't even your friend, apparently? i can't walk in my own fucking neighbourhood because you live across the street. i can't go and see my friend because she's you're fucking roommate and you looked like you wanted to crawl out of your skin the last time i was in your house.

i didn't even do anything wrong. i didn't even do anything different. i was myself as i ever was. a little manic but that's not new. you had seen me like before. i don't fucking get it. did you just never fucking like me? what was the point of it all.

did i even mean anything to you? or was i really just a little fix-it project that the emotional tax just wasn't paying off enough?

i thought you were my fucking friend. i thought i was yours.

i can't write anymore.

[writey-unicorn]

(Possibly unnecessary) Spoiler warning for most of the first season of Arrow.

So I'm rewatching Arrow after only semi-watching it the first time and I realized something.

Oliver is a sympathetic anti-hero who kills too many people and is far too self-destructive and angsty to be a hero but does too much good to be a villain.

Everyone else is a villain. Let me explain.

So Oliver has spent the last 5 years going through hell on an island with the singular goal of getting off the island and fulfilling his father's last wish of curing his city. He starts exacting his plan and gets caught by Diggle who, after a bit of back and forth and a premature breakup, joins Oliver in his quest. After Diggle joins him his quest changes to deal with some of the symptoms as well as the problem and he focuses even more on the symptoms when Felicity joins. This is all while trying to protect his friends and family and maintaining his public image which is for everyone except the people who know who he is which is (I think) at four and of course dealing with his own issues on the side.

And no one in the show gives Oliver the time or the patience he needs to deal with any of this.

His mother and sister are happy to see him for exactly 30 seconds and then are like, "Why aren't you exactly the way you used to be? Why are you always gone? Why aren't you perfect?" As far as they knew, he had been the sole survivor of an accident and alone for 5 years. He would need more than 30 seconds to get used to society again. Sure, he didn't help them realize this, but you could use your brain and realize that he's going to need more than 30 seconds to get used to people caring about him again.

Laural is also bad but has far more reason to be. That doesn't really excuse her or her unrealistic expectations for him but at least she waited for Oliver to come to her before telling him how disappointed she was in him.

Then you have the people who know.

Felicity probably comes off the lightest mostly from not knowing him very much. She mostly just adds on to other people's disappointment in Oliver. Tommy also isn't that bad but he knows that Oliver has been missing for 5 years, came back completely changed, and is a vigilante. He knows something horrific happened to him and is nowhere near as patient with Oliver as Oliver needs even after Oliver saved his life twice and his father's life once. And yes, Oliver had a hand in the friendship breakup but the man has a laundry list of issues, and, canonically, I doubt he's been home for more than 8 months yet. If he's been gone for 5 years then he deserves at least a year to recover before everyone starts yelling at him for not being good enough.

And then you have Diggle.

Oliver's and Diggle's relationship has always been rocky from the beginning. They've been in the same chapter, but never quite the same page. and yet, Oliver, Oliver "bullheaded, can't apologize to save his life" Queen, more often than not, is the one who changes what he's doing and how he's doing it for Diggle. Also, of the two, Oliver has apologized and reached out to make things right more. For one of the recent episodes, Oliver helped Diggle track down this guy he wanted to kill which Argus was already helping with. Oliver, probably expecting the highly trained Argus agents to not pick the least-defensible meeting spot possible (which they did and yes I'm angry about it) and to be able to deal with one person on their own, had gone after a man who was going to kill a child instead of helping there and Diggle threw a fit for that. And instead of Diggle realizing that he had overreacted and that Oliver had made the choice that he thought was right at the time Oliver apologized and promised to do better. Yeah, I'm mad about that too.

No one in the show holds anyone but Oliver responsible for any relationship he's in. No wonder Oliver ran into the arms of the first person who saw him for everything he was and didn't immediately berate him for not being exactly what she wanted and yes I'm talking about crazy ex-girlfriend, Helena.

[sagefzy]

PART ELEVEN: THE PERFORMANCE

perfectionism | prev | next

After sitting down for about ten minutes, Atsumu redirected his attention to the now dimming lights. The once lit up auditorium was now only being illuminated from the light appearing on the stage. There was almost an entrancing aura in the room, everyone gathered in the same room for the sole purpose of watching people showcase their musical talent. Though completely different activities, he couldn't help but be reminded of the similar feeling when watching a volleyball match.

Although Suna had mentioned to him many times that he and you had two very distinct and different personalities, he couldn't help but disagree. From the little he'd observed, you both had strong passions that you had dedicated your whole lives to. Even though you two may approach situations differently. You both have a mutual understanding of the thrill that comes with pushing yourself to the limit for something.

He had never really chosen to get to know another person on a deeper level. Of course, there was Osamu, but that didn't really count since that was his brother. Additionally, his friendship with Suna was only a byproduct of Osamu's friendship with him. Atsumu constantly had girls throwing themselves at him, and even though he enjoyed basking in their attention, he knew that they were only in love with the idea of him.

Outside of volleyball and his family, he never got the chance to have a close relationship with someone, but that was something he was willing to sacrifice for the sake of achieving his dreams. Not to mention, he always had the lingering fear that, in the end, people only hung out with him to get close to Osamu. He really hoped that you were an exception to that case.

The competition had to at least been going on for an hour now, Atsumu thought to himself. When he imagined attending a piano competition, he envisioned a relaxing show that he could attend for free, but that wasn't the case. Instead, he spent his time watching musicians attempt to play grand, complex pieces to perfection, but at most they only achieved mediocre performances. Just how long was it going to take for you to come on stage?

"Now presenting contestant 105, l/n y/n. Playing piano concerto number one in E minor, opus eleven: two. Romance larghetto."

His eyes were directed to your figure that now walked onto the stage. Your head held high, your footing confident. Atsumu grinned, noticing that you were sporting that perfect smile of yours. He watched as you took a deep breath while fixing your stool.

Before your hands touched the keys, he observed how, for a quick second, your eyes changed from confident to anxious when studying the crowd. Your eyes were glued in the same spot briefly, however they were quickly averted back to the instrument. Could it be that large crowds made you anxious? No, it couldn't be, you seemed way too confident walking out on stage. He wondered just what made you apprehensive.

He continued to watch you intently.

Your fingers graced the keys. They quickly found their tempo and danced to the rhythm. You didn't miss a single beat nor note as you played. Everything was played to perfection, just as it always was.

Your smile disappeared, only to be replaced with a face of precision and focus. Your hands produced a soft melody, making the sound glide into his ears. No previous performer enchanted the audience like you did. The notes danced and swayed in the air.

Your song had so much power to it. It was as if a mystical spell was casted in the room the minute that you started to play. Atsumu's eyes widened as he watched you get lost in the song. There was absolutely no hesitation as you played. Your body was completely in tune with the instrument.

Although you weren't saying anything, you were telling a story to everyone in the room, captivating them. It was all perfect. Your rhythm, notes, tempo, and tone- it was exactly as written on paper. You quite literally were playing the piece perfectly. However, the story you were telling with your music, wasn't quite your own, but rather the composer.

You were guaranteed a first place win since you were playing a technical piece perfectly, but it lacked the emotion. You played it exactly as the composer intended, nothing more, nothing less.

Atsumu recognized the seemingly stoic look on your face. It wasn't something he could decipher easily at first, but now hearing you play, he could understand it. You were so obsessed, so intent with playing it perfectly, something he often found himself partaking in when in an important match. You were perfect, but at what cost?

There was no denying that you were extremely talented, certainly more talented than himself, he thought. But, he could only imagine how much more captivating you could be when expressing your own emotions with your talent.

As your song neared its end, the whole room stood up in applause. You stood up, knowing you played it perfectly, but you still felt empty. You remember a time where you used to love savoring the gratification from an overwhelmed audience. Now, however, you stood in front of everyone clapping for your perfect performance, and you couldn't feel less accomplished. Perhaps you were being too hard on yourself. When did playing piano turn into a chore?

You glanced to the top of the audience, the same place you were looking before the performance, and locked eyes with your dad. The same unreadable expression was present on his face. He shook his head and walked out the exit door. Your chest grew heavy, trying its best to hold in your tears in front of the audience.

You bowed in front of the audience, trying your best to conceal the emotions running rampant in you. You swiftly paced yourself offstage, running past your mentor who was there for support and into the backstage bathroom.

Your back leaned on the heavy door, all of your bottled feelings washing out. You looked at your face in the mirror, placing two hands over your heated cheeks. Your eyes started to sting, but you still stared into the reflection. Anger, disappointment, humiliation, vulnerability, and most of all, loneliness. You let it all spill out at that moment.

There was so much more you wanted to do with your music, but at that moment no amount of praise could convince you that it was worth it. All in life you ever wanted to do was make your dad proud, show him that you are worthy enough to be your mother's daughter. Was anything you did ever going to be good enough for him?

"y/n, it's Haruka-sensei." A voice from the door knocked. "I thought you played the piece perfectly, I'll be in the lobby, so come out when you're ready."

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. Your hands made their way to your face again, this time cleaning up the tears and smudged mascara. Looking up one last time, you smiled into the mirror. Over the years, you convinced yourself that if you faked being happy enough, eventually you will be. It's not like anyone could tell the difference from it anyways.

You opened the door slowly, trying to gain your composure again. You bumped into many kids roaming the halls backstage looking anxious to perform. The maze of people was something you were now used to navigating.

The lobby was empty with the exception of your sensei and dad, everyone else still in the auditorium watching the final stretch of the performances. Haruka-sensei and your dad didn't get along for the most part, which is why you weren't surprised when you saw them standing in completely opposite areas of the room.

Your dad was first to approach you. "What did you think that was?" His voice was laced with alcohol. Your gaze met his. His eyes filled with resentful judgement. "You think you can get away playing like shit and make your way to the top?"

Droplets of tears fell to the ground once more. "I asked you a question!"

You looked to the ground. "No, I know I'll never be good enough." You sniffed harshly, still trying to maintain your composure, but failing. You hated crying in front of your dad. It was arguably the worst feeling in the world, like you were being isolated in a dark void with nothing but disappointment.

He watched you cry. You could feel his gaze burning into the top of your head, which still faced the ground in fear. All of a sudden, you felt a harsh grip on your wrist that was sure to leave a bruise.

"And don't you ever forget that," He spat. "I bet your mother is even more repulsed by you than I am. It's a joke that you think you'll ever be anything great." He shook your arm firmly, forcing you to see the aggravation displayed on his expression.

"That's enough," Haruka yelled, shoving your dad to the side. She might've been a small lady, but she sure did know how to stand her ground. "I can't stand hearing you spread such bullshit hatred to your own daughter. You make me sick. Why don't you go and get yourself even more drunk. Maybe you'll wake up and find yourself passed out on a park bench."

He rolled his eyes and scoffed. He left the building, leaving just you and Haruka.

"Listen, y/n, I think you played beautifully. Your technique was perfect, and with just a few tweaks here and there, I'm sure you'll be more than ready to take the top spot at nationals." She praised. She gave you a genuine smile and pulled you into a hug.

Feeling overwhelmed, you started to cry for the third time that hour. "Shh- don't worry about your dad, he's just a loser-asshole that projects all his issues onto you." You felt comforted by her embrace. Although she'd only known you for about a month now, Haruka had quickly become one of your favorite piano mentors. She had the loving presence and embrace of a mother, something that was so foreign to you at first.

After your heavy tears and emotions subsided, you re-entered the backstage hallways. You sat in the corner of the hallway, directing your attention to a boy- who couldn't have been any older than twelve. He sat next to his mom, holding her hand as he kept on muttering about his nervousness.

You watched as the mom eased his nerves with a single statement. "My child, I love you now, and I'll still love you after you go out and perform." The words warmed your heart. The affection from a mother was a distant memory in your mind. You could never recall a moment you were sad around your mother. Why did she have to leave so soon?

Before the kid could respond, he was called out to perform. He hugged his mom quickly and scrambled to the stage. You sat there lost in your thoughts, imagining what life would be like if your mother didn't pass away so early on.

You sighed. There was no use in fantasizing about a false reality even if it brought you temporary peace from your discomfort. What only mattered now was the present moment.

You noticed that the boy was back, a giant grin plastered on his face as he met up with his mother, it'd only be a few minutes until the winners were announced. Soon enough, all of the competitors were asked to reconvene at the stage.

You looked out at the audience again, but this time it was different. Rather than feeling anxious when meeting the gaze of someone, you felt content. Atsumu flashed his famous smirk and displayed a thumbs up, only to be quickly smacked down by Osamu. The two seemed to get into an argument after that, making you look at Suna who was now a giggling mess. The whole event made you laugh, momentarily forgetting about the heavy reign of disappointment on your shoulder.

However, the three of them got their act together once the top three standings were being announced. This part always made you fidgety. The uncertainty of the outcome always twisted your stomach in knots. Once second and third place were announced you took a deep breath, hoping that you were to be crowned first.

"And-" Here it was, you thought. The moment that decided whether or not you'd go to nationals. "-first place for the Hyogo Regional piano competition goes to-" You could feel your heart beating out of your chest. Your nails dug into your arm, the tension eating away at you. "-l/n y/n."

You almost jumped to the front of the stage when they announced your name. You did it, despite what your dad said, you did it. And it didn't matter what hateful words of disappointment he spat at you because in that very moment, you were enough.

Atsumu watched as you were handed a certificate. A radiant smile now present on your face. This smile was different, though. The one he was used to seeing was the seemingly perfect one, the one so perfect it was almost fake. The one you wore right now was one of genuine, heartfelt joy. Was this the real you? Just what else were you hiding under that perfect smile?

Osamu tapped his shoulder. "Stop staring at yer little girlfriend and let's go to the lobby before it gets too crowded. Suna said we're going to go out for udon."

"Yeah, yeah 'm coming," He muttered, never once taking his eyes off of your smile.

fun facts !

Osamu and Atsumu are notorious for always being late for everything, whether it be 10 minutes to an hour.

Atsumu daydreams when he's bored, only paying attention to what he wants to.

Every time Osamu cooks, he always puts on music in the background and it always differs depending on his mood.

perfectionism ©

smau written by @sagefzy

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