#and i can't even fucking talk to them about this bc they need me to be the strong one for once
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so… with the. let's call it hindsight, sure, of having played veilguard………
marching into the deep roads to kill the remaining archdemons would have been a good plan, actually. like, i personally think the whole 'uhhhh yeah killing the archdemons killed or at least nerfed the evanuris they're connected to, to a degree where they're basically not a problem anymore' is a weakass copout to get out of actually Dealing with them in any meaningful way
but! ~~~canonically~~~, killing razikale and whatever elgar'nan's lizard is called, WOULD have diminished him and ghilan'nain to the point they couldn't cause any more problems. would it have fixed the blight as a whole? nope! but getting rid of the archdemons who rally darkspawn sure would've been an improvement!
………and it would also have brought the veil down. apparently. bc they decided to make it so that the life force of the evanuris themselves sustains it. which—look, okay, i'm not gonna get into it. let's just say it's a weirdass decision that feels Designed to get to the specific set-up of veilguard's ending (solas being able to promise he's totally not gonna bring the veil down, bc rook&co killing elgar'nan will do it for him)
so, pretending for the moment this was all definitely already planned exactly like this when da:i was made… why is solas so against it? it's basically doing the work for him! get the veil down and deal with the evanuris in one fell swoop!
the only thing that's LEFT is. y'know. the blight. locked up in the same prison as the evanuris.
and based on how veilguard shakes out, i don't think solas (or the devs, for that matter) actually had a plan to deal with that
like, in trespasser, the blight doesn't even come up. what solas talks about is the evanuris, and how he "had a plan", so… now we're kinda forced to assume he Also had a plan of how to deal with the blight. but given how he acts in da:i, see (far) above, he clearly doesn't think there IS a way to deal with the blight!
even in the fucking ~redeem~ ending he's like, yeah i can't cure the blight but i can try to soothe it like. buddy. my dude. the prison in veilguard is A NEW THING, bc he had to fucking pivot after he lost the orb like, what could your plan Possibly have been before that???
and look okay i can't not talk about the fact that the games/devs clearly don't want to deal with the blight anymore. yes, i know the sixth blight is all over veilguard, i know you walk across blight pods for half of that game, i know they literally explain where it comes from and what it is, etc etc
(sidenote, i just. deeply dislike the responsibility musical chairs veilguard plays wrt solas. oh the veil cutting off the fade entirely wasn't intentional actually? oh The BlightTM is fully his and mythal's fault actually?? christ, he already Had a perfectly good tragic guilt complex.)
but at the end it just… kind of gets fixed? apparently? bc the veil's not leaky anymore??? neve or bellara can get fully blighted and it's just GONE at the end, you can just walk over blight pods for the entire game and you're Fine, there aren't gonna be anymore blights-the-event bc the archdemons are all dead, there have been MULTIPLE instances of ppl cleansing the blight (merrill with the eluvian, fiona getting de-tainted, SOLAS WITH THE LYRIUM DAGGER) but it NEVER gets explained how, or is attempted to be used elsewhere
it's just, oh, we can't cure the blight nevermind that the hof has been looking for that Since Origins but we also don't need to! don't even worry about it! we just armaggedon-ed half of thedas with it but it's fine!
sorry i don't have a conclusion here this just makes me Scream
I GUESS THE TITAN SOULS ARE JUST GONNA BE LOCKED UP AND IN PAIN FOREVER BUT IT'S FINE, WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT ANYMORE
Okay so I'm giving @corseque 's super-important audio of all Solas' comments about the Blight a second (or fifteenth, whatever) listen and taking notes as I go.
Solas doesn't think for a second that once the archdemons are gone the Blight will be gone. Which really makes sense because it's the Blight that makes them an archdemon, not the other way around. Supposedly, they're blighted when the darkspawn reach and corrupt them. But of course that begs the question of why it's only darkspawn (and uh, honorary darkspawn like the Wardens) that hear their call. Anyway, the way he says it, it sounds more like the archdemons are a limiting factor than a driving factor.
Varric: "What's so confusing about endless darkspawn?" Solas: "A great deal!" So yeah, whatever the plan was, he didn't foresee darkspawn as a consequence. So did he not foresee them existing at all, or not foresee them being free to cause problems? Worth noting that it's really clear both in general and in Descent that dwarves as a whole were a huge blind spot for him.
He is really really surprised that the Western Approach ever recovered from the Blight. Pretty clear he didn't think that was possible.
He thinks that everything the Wardens have done up til now is a deeply misguided effort that's served (mostly accidentally) as a delaying tactic. Gotta say, with the information we have at hand, this point pairs about as well with the last as a nice dry red with spicy pickles. If the Wardens shouldn't have done what they've done, but he didn't think recovery from the Blight was possible, I'd love to hear what he thought the alternative was.
Same dialogue as above, but when Solas talks about stopping the Blight and when Blackwall and Varric talk about it, one gets the distinct impression that they're talking at cross purposes, because Varric and Blackwall are talking about the experience of Blights, as in, periodic events, whereas I think Solas is talking about THE Blight, that is, its true nature, which is yet untouched.
He thinks Erimond is dumb as shit, which is fair and valid. "That's madness! For all we know, killing the Old Gods could make things even worse!" he says. Well, he knows a lot more than "we" know, but it's entirely possible that he doesn't for sure know this. Increasingly clear that he thinks it, though.
I'd forgotten just how pissed off he was about the Grey Warden plan to kill the Old Gods before they were corrupted. It really doesn't give "hey you're killing my relatives" energy. It really gives "wow that would fuck us all" vibes.
Of course, with a side of my remembering that Solas' besetting flaw was always thinking people should know better even though they don't have access to the knowledge he has. That flaw I WILL grant. He displays it repeatedly--you could even say the writers went out of their way to make the point.
"The Blight is the real problem"
"The fools who first unleashed the Blight on this world thought they were unlocking ultimate power." Anyway yeah those are the absolute core of everything here. The Blight is the real problem and the Blight was deliberate. Deliberately made or deliberately freed.
Even during the events of Inquisition, Solas obviously sees Corypheus as secondary to the Blight as a danger.
Cassandra suggests that the archdemons were really just dragons--"Pets to those who no longer exist", by which she probably means the Old Gods, not specifically the gods of Elvhen, just because of her cultural background. Solas finds this suggestion amusingly wrong--a quiet snort, and "I would not go so far as that."
Last notes: he doesn't sound like he thinks the Blight can be stopped, and he's adamant that it can't be controlled. Which is presumably why he broke the world in an attempt to contain it, assuming I'm right that that was the underlying reason for the Veil. That it didn't quite work the way he'd hoped is also pretty evident, though I wanna be clear that I assume he was working from a place of desperation, and that not knowing every possible outcome of an action is not a condemnation of having taken it.
#for Just A Moment in veilguard. i was SO SURE. that legitimately curing the blight would be something that would come up SOMEHOW#but no. nothing.#da:i#da4#da4 spoilers#solas#blight#lore#meta#evanuris#archdemons#darkspawn
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hi babyy .. any thoughts about eunseok or anton?? 'm feeling both of them today :(( i feel like they will take care of their sweet girl so well.. i hope ure having a nice day >3<
hiii !!! thank you for sending an ask !! i'm so sorry this is so super duper late! i hope you're having a lovely day today !!! ofc i have thoughts abt seokie n tonie 🙂↕️🙂↕️🙂↕️
୨୧ warnings|soft dom eunseok and anton,reader gets called bunny and princess,praise,daddy and sir kink,cum play,size kink,dumbification,impregnation kink,riding,fat cock riize always,overstimulation
seokie n ton love taking care of their sweet girl :( actually one of their favorite things to do!!!! you're just all theirs and they wanna always make you feel good and like their perfect girl!! they show it in suchhh different ways though n it always makes you feel like a little princess 🙂↕️
seokie's type of spoiling is through ddlg </3 lets you be as submissive and small as you want n always takes such good care of you!!! makes you feel so small too :( would notice of you were getting needy or if you were feeling sticky bcs you cling to him a lot and it makes him happy you feel so safe and protected that way :( always goes "gonna tell daddy whats wrong bunny?" and his voice is so soft n sweet you melt immediately :( get like a baby in heat n start begging him to do anything to you!!!! seokie feels you're always feeling the best when you're dumbed down so he talks down to you :( asking if your pretty head is empty and if thats why you can't tell him what you want!! if you need daddy to do every single thing for you bcs you're too little n dumb to think to do anything for yourself :( gets you to the point you're just absent mindlessly nodding to every single word he says n decides to help you then </333
eunseok loves fucking you doggy when he can press your head into the bed n his whole body weight is ontop of you n you can't fight :( kissing your back n mumbling how hes gonna cum so deep in your pussy he'll have you dripping for days!! how you would look so cute with your dada's baby, one hand on your stomach while hes drilling into you saying hes gonna get you pregnant n how pretty round you would be n can't help it :( love when he talks abt fucking a baby into you so much!!!! eyes rolling back n small out of breath moans turning pornograpic the closer you get n eunseok keeps his promise!! cumming alllll inside n not letting a single drop drip out :( holds inside like hes just knotted you 🙂↕️
anton is different from eunseok bcs he lets you get what you want immediately 🙂↕️🙂↕️🙂↕️ can come up to him tugging on his shirt telling him you need him n he lets you have him :( the only problem is that hes soooo big :( so strong n tall too he always towers above you n when he lets you get what you want you forget how he always size trains you before taking him :( too big to fit inside your cunny n asking him for help n he makes you call him sir :( would help!!!! loves his lil sweet princess <3 doesn't mean he can't tease n doesn't like how bigger he is!!!! tonie the type that makes you ride him bcs its so cute to see you struggling :( eyes fluttering n mouth dropped bcs its sooo good!! would lay your head on his shoulder n whisper "tonie please... can't do it," n he can't be mean to you :(( always ends up holding you down by your hips n fucking up into you </3 fat tip hitting your cervix over n over again you feel so dizzy n full of him!!!! keeps hitting your g spot n making you mushy n everytime you think you're gonna cum he pulls out n you're too tired to fight back so you just whine n whine for him to stop :( only lets you cum after edging you so many times n makes you go "please let me cum sir... need you.. need your cum inside." n pushes so deep inside to color your cunny </3
when you cum anton still doesnt stop :( needs you to be absolutely blissed out you're no longer responding even if that means fucking out orgasms that you don't have </3 holds you against his chest while you're sobbing from the overstimulation and shushes you :( saying how you're doing so well for him!! his perfect sweet princess taking all his fat dick </3 how he just wants one more n he knows you can do it n you wanna be so good so you keep cumming around his dick :( goes until you're twitching n squirting all over :((( only then lets you get a break n you're so cloudy but you love it!!!!!! love when tonie takes good care of you like this </333
#purinsweb *:.。♡#eunseok web *:.。♡#anton web *:.。♡#riize smut#riize hard hours#riize hard thoughts#riize scenarios#riize x reader#song eunseok smut#eunseok smut#riize eunseok smut#eunseok x reader#lee anton smut#riize anton smut#anton smut#anton lee smut#anton x reader
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im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:
videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.
and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.
this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.
there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.
there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.
for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.
i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.
here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."
eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.
we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.
"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"
thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.
it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.
an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.
and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."
#and there's something else in there about like ....#tbh once i got over something like 1k followers#i stopped being specific about my ED for a REASON.#yes on ur personal locked blog that u use like a diary go ahead etc#but we are OBVIOUSLY not talking about that. we're talking about the sheer NUMBER of people i could be talking about#in that one paragraph. that you and i probably were thinking about 2 different influencers#bc they get to say that they're just posting FITNESS and if it's FITNESS it's OKAY and im like#jesus christ lord almighty#every person in recovery from an ED: this is incredibly dangerous holy shit do you know how much this would have triggered me#each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!!#their followers: leave them alone !!! they can't help that they make an hours-long choice to frame their disorder as if it was#fucking cottagecore !!!!#like girlie this person needs THERAPY#again! i didn't even have that large of a following before i IMMEDIATELY deleted any specific mention of calories food etc#bc i recognize responsibility and i didnt EVER want to even ACCIDENTALLY encourage this#and im not even GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!!#aND THEY ARE!!!#something something something they know this content makes them money#they don't give a SHIT about u babe
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so much for my nice relaxing weekend curled up inside with my book and my fresh bread that I made
my mom sent me a guilt trip text at 1 AM because apparently I haven't Atoned Enough for... being upset about her terminal illness on christmas, and crying, and being further upset that they left me alone to cry by myself, and snapping at my stepdad's mom for being homophobic at me while I was crying about being left alone to cry about my mom's terminal illness. and apparently I owe my stepdad's mom an apology for ""screaming at her"" (I did not scream) ""even if you think you were slighted"" (she was homophobic)
and it sucks because I thought we were past that, I actually was feeling a lot better and like I'd recovered from All The Emotional Drain That Was Christmas. and I waited MONTHS to start that book bc I was feeling shitty emotionally and I wanted to be able to enjoy it, and my plan for the weekend was to do that, and now it's all just. a big stupid pile of ugly feelings on the floor again
#I also did not sleep#because she sent me this text at 1 AM#and I was awake until 7 AM#and I'm hurt that she continues to not hear me#and to say things like 'even if you think you were slighted'#it's not that I was HURT oh no we can't allow for that. it's that I only THINK I was ~slighted~#(I can't be HURT I have to be SLIGHTED bc then she doesn't have to acknowledge culpability in hurting me by ignoring my emotional needs)#and she's terminally ill so it's not like I can be like 'hey all my life you've never let me have negative emotions'#'and you don't actually listen when I try to express negative emotions to you because you'd rather I Not Be Having Them At All'#'and this just feels like more of this and it's not fair'#because she'll just. be pointlessly guilty about it and she'll cry and it'll make her feel worse without changing anything#and she's already in enough physical pain as it is but there's no way to talk about these issues when she doesn't see what they really are#and I don't want to keep picking at this fUCKING scab of something I thought I had closure on but my mom can't let go of for some reason#and I just...... wanted to have my weekend with my fresh baked bread and my book#and I wanted to feel good and cozy and relaxed#and now it's broken again
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contemplating deleting my blog soon I might make a new blog but idk
#.bdo#i just need to work on some insecurity issues is all. been on a long self journey this year#can't shake the feeling that every time i say anything it's wrong somehow#and there is some reality to that. i have been wrong several times I've even been downright mean to people over misunderstandings#i just haven't been able to break out of the habit of feeling permanently embarrassed about every small mistake I've ever made#& old insecurities from my childhood are resurfacing#like when i was a kid/teen and no one would ever tell me when i was breaking social cues but they'd make fun of me behind my back#i have 3200 followers and most of my posts get 0 notes sometimes i get 1-5 so it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong#i end up deleting a lot of them...#almost every post of mine that's gone viral was just a screenshot or picture saved from somewhere else....#and the times that i have gotten attention over a post that stands up for people who aren't like me it makes me terrified#that i look like i'm trying to play a savior role or like i'm virtue signaling#i have a few good mutuals who i love so much and that's why I'm still here#it's also the only social media i use currently#but it does really hurt when i put a lot of thought into something like spending hours making a funny meme or a thoughtful post#just to find out that the only people who find them interesting is my extremely small circle on here if anyone at all#it's so dumb i shouldn't be feeling like this over fucking numbers....it's not even real#i find a little bit of (petty) solace in the fact that there are people on here who are loudly and repeatedly saying way more embarrassing#shit than I've ever said#but even then when i know someone is absolutely wrong it makes me feel nervous like what if im the next person to fuck up that bad#and i find out through public ridicule#well that actually kinda did happen on here once but not on that scale#last year i sent someone something i thought was funny and they sent back an 'ok'#and then immediately made a huge long post about how you shouldn't talk to strangers like you're already friends#called it parasocial behavior...got tens of thousands of notes and i knew it was about me...#i wholeheartedly agree some people go too far with parasocial behavior but i never fully understood what part of what i said/did was wrong#and i went back to feeling like the kid who never found out they were doing something wrong until they heard that they got made fun of#i don't even attempt to make new friends on my own on here anymore because i'm terrified of that happening again#almost all of the people I've become friends with on here came to me first and i love and appreciate them for that#but even then i feel too nervous to socialize that often bc i never find out/realize that i fuck up until later on
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Just saw this comment on a story posted a month ago.
*cries in Eddie Munson Solo Series no one wanted to read, interact with or request for*
No shade to the person that commented this on their own fic if you recognize it. It's not their fault. I'm not mad at them. More crying in the tags.
#and no I didn't tag the solo series like I normally would because it's not about THAT. It's not about trying to get people to read it#It was just really ouchie to see the same concept I wrote 2 years ago get triple the notes in ONE MONTH.#and double the notes of my solo series masterlist in general in one month vs 2 years of my stories sitting there rotting#Then I see people saying they need more solo Eddie and I'm just here like my dudes I begged for requests. BEGGED. But bc I wasn't#/have never been a popular writer people don't want it from ME. It's like omg we want THIS but not like that. Not from you.#Can't help but let it get you down when nothing has changed in 2 years. It's not like I worked my way up and have the interaction now#that every other blog I used to commiserate with back in the day is getting currently. Fandom isn't a competition but it's not fair either#and I really struggle with that a lot of the time#Also yes I will concede I should be happy with the notes on the solo series because they are the highest of all the work on my page but#they're still nothing compared to what some people have just hours after posting a new story.#I saw someone complaining the other day that there are less new stories in the fandom than ever 1. That's simply not true. 2. Even if it wa#can you blame writers for giving up when readers are checking the same popular blogs over again or reading the same 5 tropes the same#2 pairings over and over. The same series? Over and over. Ignoring everything else and then complaining that their faves don't post enough?#That the popular writer with the incredible series (that rightfully deserves interaction) hasn't posted a new dad!eddie or rockstar!eddie#drabble in ages meanwhile there are writes out there pouring their souls into dad!eddie and no one reads it. There is so much rockstar Eddi#smut out there that it could sustain a brand new reader for an entire year before they needed a new fic#Idk man. I'm just feeling so defeated. I write for fun now. But there was a point in time where I desperately tried to build a platform by#offering requests and writing a lot of things I would not otherwise write to try and gain traction on my page and every time I see another#food fucking fic get hundreds of notes I get so sad that I wrote that stupid Melon fic because I had people in my life that told me#they would be excited to read it and for what? One of them still talks to me. The others moved on so fast. Most didn't even reblog it.#Some of them have since written their own food fucking fics that got triple the notes of my OG. Again. No shade to them. I don't own the#concept. It's just disheartening and fucking sad above all else. How hard I tried to get people to LIKE me and my stories. 😂#Just sad hours in general tonight my guys. Going to go and pour the bad feelings into Aftermath and then maybe make a bad life choice and#pour all my savings into an ipad#YES I KNOW first world problems. I know. That's why I try not to talk about it bc it seems so petty considering the state of the world#But you can't help what gets you down#EMMs Journal#EMM's Journal
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Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)
#twitter and other short form shit and everything being a Phone App On Small Screen instead of a Proper#Computer Website i feel like has just ruined the format of literally everything for me. Thoughts just keep getting more and more condensed#with detail and nuance taken away. everything over simplified into only the basics. blah blah blah. I've already probably rambled about thi#all before but it's just SO frustrating. I literally just CAN NOT talk that way!!! even if I try!!! I took multiple advanced placement#english & language arts classes in school and I literally never made below an A on any assignment EVER except for ESSAYS#where I would legit get almost failing grades just because I cannt express myself concisely. I took an english placement test thats made to#like evaluate your competency in a subject and out of the 102 multiple choice questions I only missed TWO of them. almost a perfect#score. But for the 5 open response questions (about articulating thoughts succinctly) I did not get a single one of them lol#I only got partial credit on 3. It's like I OBVIOUSLY understand the material and I know how Words Work and how to analyze and interpret#meaning and etc. etc. But it's just when I have to express myself CLEANLY I can't. It's always ''well you have very good points and you#get around to the idea eventually and I think it's very insightful - but it just needs to be shorter/the side tangent needs to be removed/#etc.'' I've always wondered if it has something to do with being on the schizophrenia spectrum and how that can cause disorganized#speech sometimes hmm..ANYWAY.. But I just naturally express myself in a very particular way which is lengthy and I can't rea#ly seem to control it. So it's basically like just.. being gradually pushed out of every place that won't accomodate people with different#ways of like perceiving and expressing or etc. Everything cannot ALWAYS be 100% 'Short and Snappy and To The Point' or a quippy one#liner or the Bare Minimum of information being provided or etc. Some peoples brains just do not work like that!!!!! Sorry I operate#in detail and elaboration lol. ANYWAY.. I still sometimes use random ''dating sites'' like OKCupid to look for platonic friends since#I never leave the house so it's hard for me to just meet friends naturally. And I just realized today that they added a RIDICULOUSLY small#character limit to their messaging system (2000 words?? augh). And also took away answer explanations (when you answer a compatibility#question you used to have a space to give detail and explain why you answered the way you did) and removed a few other features and it's ju#t like.. how the fuck is any of this actually helpful in terms of judging compatibility? take away ALL nuance and anyting that actually#is meant to tell you anything about a person? Bumble's character limits for your profile description are even more fucking insane and so#is every other disgustingly minimalistic place I've seen like.. OKC used to be superior BECAUSE it allowed for a TON of detail. like back i#2016 or something there was SO much data you could look at. long form question answers. personality trait summaries. etc. Now you have#SOO little to judge off of when evaluating compatibiility it's like. You'd have better luck just throwing a dart in a crowded street and#talking to whoever it hits. Why are people so fucking allergic to reading anything longer than 3 words and providing DETAILS!! It just seem#harder and harder to find any place to meet platonic friends where you have any amount of actual data to go off of and it isnt basically#just random 'speed dating' set up shit. AARGH. &I know 'oh just join a club& meet ppl irl' 1. erm..covid. 2.I mostly want to meet ppl#in places I'd like to move so I already know ppl when I get there. You kind of HAVE to do that online. bc I am not there yet.. WISHING for#Complexity.Com where ppl can upload full 900 page psychological files of themselves. MINIMUM profile character limit 30k words lol
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made a new goodreads account bc i read we have always lived in the castle last night & i need to talk about it and also i want to get Better About Reading so anyway i figured now is a good time to share my external links, if anyone cares you can find me on:
goodreads: lisaswain
letterboxd: rosmullens
spotify
steam: bitchofthewilds
pinterest: withintheshadows
evil elon musk platform (twitter/ x/ whatever the fuck): sapphicpsych
#i need to make a new instagram account but i haven't got round to it yet#you can also find me on ao3 (rosmullens) but i'm even worse at interacting/ posting/ being a human on there than i am anywhere else so#if you're wondering why some of the games i play/ talk about most aren't on my steam (esp. dragon age)#it's bc they're too much for my pc so i've got them on ps5 instead#i'm on psn too but it's too complicated to work out how to generate a link#i'm anoramactirs on there in case anyone's interested#anyway my profile is fucked up on psn bc my brother gave me his ps4 when he got a ps5#so it reckons i've played loads of games i've barely heard of bc they're his games#i've now got my own ps5 but i still can't work out how to get my brother's games off my account#(i do play the first two dragon age games on my pc but i have those through origin instead bc i was a foolish child when i bought them)#personal
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I like how in my life I went from: "I am intrinsically different from other human beings because I'm smarter and a better person than everyone else, but I will always be alone for it, though" as a child, to "Well, people are very different and not everyone is as bad or as dumb. There's lots of people who are worth it and lots of people who are good and smart. It's not just me!" as a teen, then back again to "I am intrinsically different from other human beings because I'm smarter and a better person than everyone else" as an adult. And yes, I am on antidepressants.
#liveblogging my life#people are so fucking stupid all the time#my cousins were having a conversation on Christmas over chatgpt#and one of them (a PHILOSOPHY teacher) was talking about how to catch students using it#and my other cousin (a techbro insufferable programmer) was like “well but you use it right?” and my other cousin was like#“yes to help me with menial tasks but you need to have knowledge and critical thinking to be able to use it properly so i can't have#and my idiot techbro cousins went “well if it gets to the point where AI does everything students won't need to learn how to do stuff#without it right?“#yes let's make children stupid on purpose and unable to live without technology on purpose#that sounds normal and fine and not insane#and my teacher cousin didn't even fight it he just laughed#BRO YOU ARE A TEACHER#i know none of us want to be teachers we were just humanities idealists who had to take the teaching path bc in spain it's decent pay and#job security#but I still want to feel like I'm teaching something#that I'm giving my students something actually valuable#the world literally feels hopeless everything is just a soulless giant corporation that doesn't produce anything valuable#as in actually valuable not money valuable#all we can do is stuff that lines up some billionaires pockets but never our own and never helps anyone instead makes everyone's life worse#and you will go to the therapist saying stuff like this which is a very accurate assessment of capitalism and the world#and they will go “hmm” and put you on antidepressants#and i love my therapist she's amazing but I'm just lining the pockets of the clinic she works at to rant
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there is a certain type of niigo fan that NEEDS to have everything be about n25. and they almost exclusively express that when people are talking about l/n or mmj
#rbs off for this one it just pisses me off so bad that i need to talk abt it#three separate times now i've been talking about JUST leo/need. and someone has come in like “omg but nightcord”#GIRL IDGAF!!! THIS AIN'T ABOUT THEM!!!!!!!#like. i was talking about my favorite leo/need cards in a discord server with some friends and some guy butted in and started talking-#-abt the bug set like. are mafuyu and mizuki in l/n? no? then WHY DID YOU BRING IT UP??!???#and then just now i was talking about how if they do wedding next year it has to be l/n#and someone goes “haha yeah shiho5 wedding where they're just bridesmaids for the mizuena wedding event of the century”#and it's like. every time i literally just roll my eyes so far back into my head. LIKE CAN YOU NOT.#that second one extra pisses me off because i know it was BARELY a joke. n25 wedding is off the table bc wl is right after#so instead of just letting l/n fans hope for wedding they HAD to be like “lol what if it was nightcord” STOP!!!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST#ok im done being toxic. i am just so tired of people constantly shutting down any conversations about l/n#and it sucks worse from niigo fans bc like. that's not even a group with guys in it.#like most of the vbs and wxs “fans” that do that are just straight misogynists that can't hold a conversation about any girls#but like with niigo im just???? what is driving this decision. what is happening here.
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I started making Ellu in the dav cc for fun and. Tell me why I'm tempted to actually play him.
#it would only count as half of a gag character he's just Like That. This Would happen to him#he Would land here somehow#the only downsides would be- 1: id need to play with no sound because im sorry his og voice set is too important to me#2: no romance. sighh#also I'd need to chose a faction other than warden </3#i can't justify him having the blight he's quite literally a plant#then again. ... wait would the wound and the abyss energy etc count as a universe equivalent 😭#wHY AM I ANALYSING THIS#edit: its actually fascinating as a concept like. how would this idiot interact with taash.#his relationship with gender is too scrambled for what the game has to offer fnsndj not its fault btw#i mean the concept in his wotr iteration is the original elf was afab but by the time he died and came back via wild hunt dhhdjs#didn't look it at all. so add on to that the loss of memory post death i don't think he's even aware of it#so literally what do you count for that as 😭#don't even get me started on the sexuality thing we don't have time to unpack all of that#edit edit: further context since im in the scar segment of the cc and remembered to talk about it#the only ones that are 'permanent' on him /aka function like normal scars are those made w cold iron (see the one on his face)#(also why post trickster situation i don't always draw them. he can hide those and does)#thinking about the pre fey situation though is pretty funny bc the original elf lived a (????) amount of time back in the past 😭#ofc in settings like this one time does not really move as it does in history (see dae having the most 1700's staple coat ive ever seen-#but one of his endings being lobotomy. a 1930s procedure)#thus who fucking knows maybe the og elf could've had top surgery instead of a more magic related situation 😭 who knows#sometimes i give ellu the scars sometimes i don't it's as ambivalent as his alignment
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#and there's something else in there about like ....#tbh once i got over something like 1k followers#i stopped being specific about my ED for a REASON.#yes on ur personal locked blog that u use like a diary go ahead etc#but we are OBVIOUSLY not talking about that. we're talking about the sheer NUMBER of people i could be talking about#in that one paragraph. that you and i probably were thinking about 2 different influencers#bc they get to say that they're just posting FITNESS and if it's FITNESS it's OKAY and im like#jesus christ lord almighty#every person in recovery from an ED: this is incredibly dangerous holy shit do you know how much this would have triggered me#each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!!#their followers: leave them alone !!! they can't help that they make an hours-long choice to frame their disorder as if it was#fucking cottagecore !!!!#like girlie this person needs THERAPY#again! i didn't even have that large of a following before i IMMEDIATELY deleted any specific mention of calories food etc#bc i recognize responsibility and i didnt EVER want to even ACCIDENTALLY encourage this#and im not even GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!!#aND THEY ARE!!!#something something something they know this content makes them money#they don't give a SHIT about u babe
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back to the issue of not feeling able to talk freely with anyone in my family :'))))) woohoo.
#they were like. the only people i DID feel comfortable talking fully freely with.#so getting ready to send smth to my sister and then realizing i can't/don't want to deal with her reaction to it#sucks!!!#gods#like i can talk about some things with some of them and other things with others but like#fuck dude#even something as simple as 'yeah our sister is still using my car' is smth i can't send#bc i KNOW that the sister i was talking to would have an annoying reaction to it#'cant believe youd let her use your car /i/ wouldve told her to get an uber or a rental' etc etc#(which is what she actually said when i first told her i was letting our sis use my car for work which is why i KNOW she'd say it)#like yeah bro sorry i acknowledge that our sister is already struggling! and that having to share a car with her for 3 weeks#while definitely inconvenient for me and not smth i ENJOY DOING#is something i am still /willing/ to do so that she doesnt. you know. run out of money or smth.#plus 'get an uber' babygirl she literally needs a car to do her job she can't just 'GET AN UBER' you asshole!!!!!!#anyway.#sigh.#sorry that just hit me hard and im very frustrated over many things so#the realization was icing on the cake#shh ac#seriously shut up
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Lads i have Fucked Up Big Time
#somehow I just. Fuckin. Forgot. That if I wanna switch my major that I have to do a bunch if shit#and I missed the deadline for it because I didn't realize that I needed to do it and also forgot to reach out about it until WAY too late#so now I can't do anything until the spring#which is also bad because I don't know what the fuck my class schedule should be!!!!!!!#advisor told me that I can talk to her after the enrollment period and schedule a meeting and we can figure out what I'm doing from there#but like. ouggggggghhg#Im so worried there's gonna be some fuckup with my schedule and I won't be able to register for enough classes to be a full time student#which would be so bad#idk should I just wait until AFTER the enrollment period??? and just have no classes???#I'm gonna try and register for a few classes so I at the very least have Something in my schedule#mainly ones for my current (old) major and a few of the new classes#because multiple classes that I need to take I can Only take them IF I'm enrolled in that major. Which I'm currently not because I'm stupid#im just stressed now and unfortunately there isn't much i can do 🥰#i don't even know which classes I should be trying to take. I can GUESS but like who the fuck knows#so i can't even try and plan out a potential schedule i just get to sit on my ass and stress#sighh. im gonna try to not think about it bc its gonna stress me out#on one hand it's tempting to blame like. idk. literally every adult i talked to because none of them actually told me#“Hey btw you actually need to go to this office and fill out this paperwork and submit it by a due date”#they were just like yeah okay u can take some classes. and then we'll figure it out later#like. i would have gone and done the shit if I knew I needed to do iT!!!!#but also I should have sat down and looked more into it to so#bleughhhhhhhh#I'm just stressed. and annoyed. at myself mainly because like. duh of course I'd have to go fill out paperwork but I just was like#“Yeah I'll talk to my advisor later” and kept pushing shit off until it was too late <3#idk man im. so tired#hopefully it'll all work out okay and fine and i won't have the shittiest schedule on earth next semester#and hopefully the classes i need won't fill up!!!! :))))))#ahahahahahsh#im fucked man#lilac post
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#lately i've been going to twitter to get some lunter action bc most fanartists are there#and god it's just so annoying that over there they're stuck in a 5 day cycle of the same discourse over and over again#is it okay to ship this or is this a dirty nasty morally questionable proship? uwu#then the realization is 'yes lunter actually isn't a disgusting perverted proship which makes it okay to exists even if i HATE it'#and then two days later someone is like um akshually it's disgusting because incest and here we fucking go again#god. we need to extirp anyone under 16 years old from the internet. you have not developed enough brain matter to be on social media#(now if you're an adult unironically arguing in that discourse you either have a lot of free time or i just need to block you)#but man. like i wanna say to those lunter defenders..... can't you see what's wrong?#can't you see that the moment you've chosen to accept the premise of there being 'good' and 'reproachable' ships you've already lost?#that someone will always be able to pick a 'problematic' aspect in any ship ever?#that entertaining that idea from the beginning is the absolute worst thing you could do?#like i prefer when people call lunter boring. okay yeah i do Not see what you're seeing but also#thank fucking GOD we're bringing up actually relevant stuff here#like part of me is so fascinated about this. how murder seems to be the only thing that's accepted in media as a narrative tool#(and at some extent even that is too much)#but this yet again goes back to..... well what the fuck do you interact with fiction and media in the first place#when you're COMPLETELY unwilling to acknowledge any of these things as FICTION (not real) in the first place?#where your favorite character is the most morally correct and your favorite ship is the 'healthiest'?#i just wish we were able to talk about who the characters are and what their dynamic means in the show you know#instead of recycling the same reasons why it's morally 'okay' to be interested in them over and over and over and over and over and over and
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#i am at my fucking limit lol#i need to leave this fucking town and this fucking state the very second i can nail down both a car and a remote job#the fucking ''''affordable'''' housing company i rent from has once again opted to start harassing us#and we're once again gonna have to be in a fucking fight with landlords who think that we're making too much money to live in a $1200 apt#and want us to pay $2000 a month for this rathole we live in despite taxes and deductions literally absorbing a quarter of our earnings#so they want to absorb half of what we have left when ive yet to be able to even afford a car that isn't a fucking beater destined for scrap#at least not without using p much all of my current life savings in the process#so we have to instead get around by buses that refuse to actually show up take us on huge detours for no reason have lead feet that-#-exacerbate my chronic pain and - oh! how could i forget? is also horrifically mismanaged to the point where they're now canceling entire-#-bus routes including the one i take to work and ALSO GOES TO THE AIRPORT lol#and nothing will fucking change about the highway robbery rent hikes bc the entire state legislature is filled with and bought by-#-landlords NIMBYs and property management firms.#that's not even getting into the fact that ive got too many traumatic memories too many enemies and not enough good things to show for it#the only thing I've got in this fucking town is my partner bc not even our home can be considered safe anymore.#i want to take them and the home we dream of and get the fuck out bc i can't keep doing this shit#and i can't even fucking talk to them about this bc they need me to be the strong one for once#im so tired. i feel like im in danger even though i know we'd be able to tank the hit to our finances. but i would like to escape.#i know of a city in ny where our $1200 rent is considered the norm. there's also so much more to do within reach that isn't just. drinking.#i wanna go there. i may have had a desire to live there since our vacation there this past March.#but for now im stuck here dreaming of the future and fighting off desperation and despair in the present#this breakdown brought to you by: the bus purposely avoiding my stop this morning after learning my landlord wants to ruin us again#vent
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