#and i am going to make everyone else think so too <3< /div>
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I finally watched this movie, it hit me so hard.
Iâd been listening to the soundtrack for a while, as a bad habit, I tend to listen to movie soundtracks before watching the source materialâand Iâm really into Yeuleâs musicâso I discovered the movie thru the release of their featured song in the movie.
I finally gave it a chance and, wow.
Huge tangent under the cut <3
Iâm nonbinary. Iâm afab. This movie resonated with me so much.
Making this discovery was a hard one, it was like Iâd opened Pandoraâs Box.
One of my other (dearest) friends had come out as nb when we were younger and it scared me, it was something I was aware of but pushed away in fear of discovery. Same with my lesbian identity. But the TV kept glowing, I wouldnât lose them over my own cowardice. Eventually I realized I was lesbian, Iâd realized I was trans.
Sometimes I feel connected to womanhood, to my femininity.
For the sake of others, I sacrifice my otherness for their comfort. I go by all pronouns because Iâm afraid of dropping âsheâ from everyone elseâs mind. I go by they/she in public spaces where I feel safe enough to do so, but at home, Iâm still just a woman, Iâm still âherâ. Only that.
And itâs difficult reconciling this when I do dress femininely, when I let my friends call me woman. Even when I do that to myself, because I am, paradoxically, as I am not. I donât know, gender is hard. I present as a woman to a lot of people, so I have experiences socialized as such.
Not to tote any weird superiority complexes, but I like the way God is described in the bible. âI am that I am.â The image of everyone, man, woman, otherwise, all simultaneously.
I feel maybe itâs like that for me, with womanhood. I am woman, I am something else. I like masculine terms for myself sometimes. Sometimes it feels like an empty space. Like [Owen] described it on the bleachers to [Maddy]. I severely hate overly gendered conversation. As a transmasc person, I do like dude and bro but yk even that gets tiresome.
âYes, Girl.â
âQueen.â
âMiss.â
Only my closest friends call me by âthey/themâ pronouns, even then, I let it slip when they donât get it right. But they know me for who I am beyond the screen, and I do just go by any pronouns. But weâre also just used to pushing that away in the eyes of others who donât see the screen glowing.
In I Saw The TV Glow, Owen and Isabel are parallels to each other (because they are one and the same), theyâre both too cowardly for confrontation, Isabel realizes sheâs dying [as Owen] and apologizes for the sake of othersâ comfort, at the end of the movie, at the outburst her realization causes.
The ending is left up to interpretation, whether she buries herself in the ground with Tara, or she continues to die, living a life as someone fake.
I like to remain hopeful, optimistic. Though, âthere is still time,â might read as a warningâyou still have time, but it will run out eventuallyâI see it as a message of hope for those of us who canât explore our gender identities as freely as others. An eventuality.
During the wire breakage scene, where [Owen] finds herself stopped in the roadâwhere she finds the burning papers of the episode guides, she reads âS06:e01â I like to think that that is where the movie ends and her true life begins. She does break out of the midnight realm.
She doesnât continue to cower away, though she is wont to do. She opened her chest up and saw her missing heart, saw the âPink Opaque,â and ran back to Tara, leaving this world behind, and saving face with her apologies.
..
This movie also filled me with existential dread.
When [Owen] watched the finaleâs tape, when she launched her head into the tv and mourned the fact that her father wasnât really her fatherâa foreboding, looming figure representing prominent patriarchal idealsâwhen she told us about how it was âtime to become a real man,â when her father died, further burying herself into this life that wasnât hers with a family that wasnât eitherâit was terrifying.
We never see that family she had onscreen, and the mention of them makes [Owen] look so defeated. She watches the âPink Opaqueâ again and it isnât as she remembers. Just as Mr. Melancholy said would happen.
âSoon you wonât even remember that youâre dying.â
Whole movie was such a harrowing, representative experience. I sobbed. I mourned. It was like mourning for a past me, for the parts of myself that must stay hidden, for covering the screen.
And the fact that Tara was relatively butch in her real life, but was an awkward girl experimenting with her feminine expression up until she realized she had to escape in the Midnight Realm. I felt connection to her expression as much as I did Isabelâs egg crack.
They were so lesbians for each other, too, be it in a qppďżź sense or in another way.
âŚ
Here I am listening to the OST again, replaying Yeuleâs cover of âAnthems for a 17-year-old Girl,â on my 20th birthday (oh yeah thatâs today) and just.. feeling such a frenzy of emotions.
Ultimately, justâ
There will still be time. Youâll bury the you that isnât authentic in the ground and rise as your truest form eventually. There will always be eventually. There will always be you..
I will be there waiting for me.
But I know that's not true. That's just fantasy. Kid's stuff.
I SAW THE TV GLOW (2024) dir. Jane Schoenbrun
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That's So True
Inspired by That's so True by Gracie Abrams
pairing: reader x drew starkey
a/n: i just realized that i've never formally introduced myself on here! my bad, my name is rhodee, 21 years old, living in europe and currently studying law. i love writing imagines that'll hopefully make you laugh, swoon or cry (sorry not sorry) a little too hard <3
stick around if youâre into dreamy characters, plot twists, or just want to scream about Drew with me!
hope i'll get to know so many of y'all on here!! okay that's all, enjoy <3
The night Drew had left for the premiere, you told yourself it was just another event, like all the others. You even tried to convince yourself you didn't mind staying home, avoiding the chaos of the red carpet. It's his night, you thought, forcing a smile as he kissed you goodbye, his cologne lingering in the air long after the door closed.
But as the hours stretched on, the gnawing sense of isolation grew. It wasn't just tonight - it had been building for months. Drew's career was skyrocketing, and with every interview, press tour and glamorous event, it felt like he was slipping further away from you. He'd promised that things would calm down after this movie, that he'd have more time. But those promises were always vague, like a finish line that kept moving further out of reach.
The photos hit social media just before midnight. Drew, looking devastatingly handsome in his suit, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with his co-star, Odessa Aâ Zion. The fan comments flooded in, gushing about how perfect they looked together, how the chemistry was undeniable.
You slammed your laptop shut. It wasn't jealousy - not exactly. You trusted him, but trust didn't erase the ache of feeling invisible.
The sound of Drew's keys jingling at the door pulled you from your spiralling thoughts. The clock on the wall read 1:47 a.m. You hadn't realized how late it had gotten. The door opened, and Drew stepped inside, his movements slow and careful, like he didn't want to disturb you. He probably thought you were asleep.
"Hey," you called out, your voice sharp in the quiet apartment. You couldn't hide the edge of frustration.
He paused, caught off guard, then gave a tired smile. "Hey, babe. Didn't think you'd still be up."
"Well, I am," you said, standing from the couch. "Thought you said you'd be home hours ago."
"The afterparty ran late," he explained, shrugging off his jacket. "I texted you."
"That's not the point, Drew," you snapped, your tone harsher than you intended. âThis isnât just about tonight. Do you even realize how little I see you anymore?â
His brows furrowed, and he sighed, running a hand through his hair. âItâs my job, you know how crazy things get during press tour. This isnât new.â
âThat doesnât make it easier,â you shot back. âYouâre always out there, Drew. With her, with them â whoever. And Iâm just .... here. Alone. Waiting for whatever scraps of time you have left.â
Drew exhaled sharply, clearly tired, and not in the mood for an argument. âThis again?â he muttered, his tone clipped. âI canât keep apologizing for doing my job.â
You flinched at his words. âIâm not asking you to apologize for working. Iâm asking you to make me feel like I matter.â
âYou do matter,â he said, raising his voice slightly. âBut youâre acting like I can just drop everything. This is how it is y/n. This is how itâs always been.â
âNo, it hasnât,â you countered. âItâs different now. Youâre different. You barely talk to me anymore. Half the time, I donât even know whatâs going on in your life. But everyone else does. The fans, the press â they all get pieces of you that I donât.â
âThatâs not true,â Drew said, shaking his head. âYouâre making this a bigger deal than it is.â
Your eyes burned with unshed tears. âYou donât get it, do you? You donât see how lonely this is for me. Youâre so caught up in your world that you donât even notice.â
Drewâs frustration boiled over. âWhat do you want me to do, y/n? Quit? Stop taking jobs? Would that make you happy?â
His words felt like a slap, and the tears youâd been holding back finally spilled over. âI want you to fight for this â for us. But instead, youâre treating me like a burden.â
Drew froze, his anger dissipating as he saw the pain in your expression. âY/N,â he started, his tone softer, âYouâre not a burden. I love you. You know that.â
âDo I?â you whispered. âBecause it doesnât feel like it anymore.â
The silence that followed was suffocating. Drew looked at you, his face a mix of regret and helplessness. âI donât know what to say,â he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.
âThen donât say anything,â you said, retreating to the bedroom before your emotions could completely overwhelm you.
You shut the door behind you, leaning against it as sobs wracked your body. You hated this â hated feeling like you were losing him. But you didnât know how to bridge the growing distance between you.
Drew stood in the living room, staring at the closed door. He felt like the worst person in the world. He wanted to fix it; to make you understand how much you meant to him. But he was so tired â tired of the constant pull between his career and personal life, tired of feeling like he was failing at both.
He sat on the couch, his head in his hands. The apartment felt unbearably quiet without you. The fight replayed in his mind, your words cutting deeper with each pass. I want you to fight for this â for us.
He realized then how distant heâd been, how much heâd taken your support for granted. Youâd been his anchor through everything, and heâd been too caught up in his own world to see how much you were struggling.
When you woke up, the sun was streaming through the curtains, but the weight in your chest hadnât lifted. You found Drew in the kitchen, already dressed and nursing a cup of coffee. His face lit up when he saw you, but it quickly fell when he noticed your guarded expression.
âMorning,â he said softly, hesitant.
You nodded, not trusting your voice.
âI, uh, I thought about what you said last night,â he began, setting his coffee down. âAnd youâre right. I havenât been fair to you.â
You looked at him, surprised. âDrew â â
âLet me finish,â he interrupted gently. âIâve been so focused on my career that I forgot what matters most â you. Us. I donât want you to feel like youâre not part of my life, because you are. Youâre everything to me, Y/N. And I know I havenât shown that enough.â
Tears filled your eyes, and this time, you didnât fight them. âI just... I miss you, Drew. I miss us.â
He crossed the room in a few strides, pulling you into his arms. âI miss us, too,â he said, his voice breaking. âAnd Iâm going to do better. I promise.â
For the first time in weeks, you felt a glimmer of hope. The road ahead wouldnât be easy, but for the first time, it felt like you were on the same page.
#drew starkey#drew starkey x female reader#drew starkey x oc#drew starkey x reader#drew starkey x y/n#drew starkey x you#obx season 4#outer banks#drew starkey fanfiction#drew starkey angst#drew starkey fluff#drew starkey smut#drew starkey romance#rafe obx#rafe outer banks#rafe cameron#obx rafe cameron#outer banks rafe#drew starkey imagine#Spotify
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AND THE LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST (You're probably annoyed with me rn ( ._. )"") I would like to order a:
âď¸ cup o' cocoa: with the letters e, d, a, t, z, x (you don't have to do all) with my fav Moonwater (ă
´ Ë `)
Okay I am gonna shoo away now, so I don't tire you anymore ('Ď' â )âä¸äşä¸ AGAIN CONGRATS ON 1K!!
ughhhh moonwater!!!! and ivy!!! my loves <3
e = events; who drags everyone else to their family/friendsâ events?
LOL I think Regulus refuses to do anything with his family, and if he didn't, he'd certainly refuse to do any of it alone. however, Remus and his partners are always invited to the Lupin's, and no one ever complains about having to go. reg complains profusely whenever they have to do anything with the marauders
d = dates; what do dates look like? who usually plans them, or are is it a group affair?
I think Regulus likes spoiling the group; fancy dinners at posh restaurants, maybe trips? shopping sprees etc etc. gift giving and quality time being his favourite/natural love languages (like...giving gifts = how he shows love, quality time = how he appreciates receiving love). Remus has this magical ability to make everything feel like a date; sitting on the counter while he cooks dinner = a date, going grocery shopping with him = a date, remus also loves throwing 'surprise' dinners or setting up movie nights at home as dates, too
t = terms of endearment; nicknames! whoâs crazy on them, and who do they make cringe? whatâre the go-toâs?
I feel like these two are the biggest hypocrites because they just loooovvveee dishing out the nicknames (dove, amour) but blush like it's nobody's business when the roles are reversed. Reg - especially in the beginning - pretends to be disgusted by it all, but the very first time he doesn't refute it and they notice him shyly looking anywhere but at his partners, it's game over. I also sort of headcanon that one well-timed "my love" or "handsome" for Remus and it's over for him - he's putty in your hands
z = zealous; who was especially eager in their pursuit of the relationship? was anyone more reserved in their want for it?
you know what? for this pairing I say it's Remus. he sees two cuties that are fond of each other and seemingly of him, and he wants to keep them. I think I touched on this in my "origins of poly!moonwater headcanons"
x = xoxo; who checks up on their partners a lot when theyâre apart? do they call, or are texts enough to make them feel close?
I think Regulus checks in a lot - sort of the same for how I've said about Sirius, if he goes too long without hearing from them, he assumes something's wrong. I headcanon Regulus absolutely HATING phone calls - he will screen everyone and anyone without a second thought, but he is CONSTANTLY calling Remus and reader. always. Remus texts often, even if it's just to send a heart or to say "hey how's it going?"
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Concussion Protocol
set after 9x09. established relationship carolyn/cam. cameron is grumpy about base concussion protocols, but not even dating the base CMO gets him out of it.
"Cameron. Cam."
His head hurts. His back hurts. He needs to get up and answer whoever's saying his name, but then again, moving seems like it'll likely also hurt.
Cold fingers stroke over his jaw. "Cam, I need you awake," a familiar voice wheedles. "Every two hours, remember? Need to make sure you don't have a brain bleed."
He grunts and shifts as he tries to remember why he would have a brain bleed, or put a name to the voice worrying over him. He catches a brief glimpse of Carolyn's face, soft brown eyes and dark hair falling over her face, before he's blinded by a flash of light.
Right. Evil superhuman. Getting thrown around by telekinesis all day. Being trapped on base for Carolyn's concussion protocol monitoring. Which means the brief light that's totally blinded him-- not to mention worsened his headache-- is her penlight.
"Pupils equal, round, and reactive?" he asks, his throat scratchy. He grins tiredly up at Carolyn at his show of field medicine he hasn't totally forgotten.
"You're a model patient," she confirms with a nod.
He rolls over to lay his head in her lap; she's sitting up against a pile of pillows that don't seem base-issue. "Thanks for letting me crash in your quarters, I wouldn't have gotten any sleep in the infirmary."
She hums. "And this way you're less likely to shoot whoever's waking you up for the two hour checks."
"You're too pretty to shoot," Cam agrees.
Her fingers are stroking down the back of his neck and over his shoulder, making him wish he wasn't wearing his t-shirt, so he could feel her hands on his skin. Then again, he's kind of cold.
"Why aren't we under the blankets?"
Carolyn giggles. "What, you don't remember sprawling out on top of all my blankets and then clinging to me like an octopus and declaring we just needed to-- what did you say? 'Pass the heck out already'?"
Cameron is glad it's too dark for her to see his blush. "Huh. Well, memory loss is a symptom of head injury."
"As long as it resolves within twelve hours, I'm not worried," she agrees. He hears her stifle a yawn and lifts his head.
"Blankets and then back to sleep?"
"For another two hours," she sighs. She has to get off the bed to pull back the duvet, and he misses the physical contact for the twenty seconds she's gone.
"Can I use you as a pillow?" he asks when she climbs back in and pulls the blankets over them.
He can see her smile as she kisses his forehead. Nobody's done that for him in a long, long time. "Of course," she answers easily.
Cam wraps his arms around her as he rests his head on her stomach. "You're amazing," he mumbles. "I might be in love with you."
"Oh, babe," Carolyn sighs, "come back to me when you're not concussed." And he guesses that's pretty fair.
"Mkay," he agrees. "G'night."
"Night, Cam."
At least when he wakes up in another two hours, he'll get to see her smile again.
#sg1#stargate sg-1#sg1 fic#stargate fic#cameron mitchell#carolyn lam#cameron x carolyn#julie fics#i think they would make a very sweet couple#and i am going to make everyone else think so too <3
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Gillion and Edyn devastate me because they both love each other so much and desire the same thing, but they both at the same time serve as narrative detriments to one another. This is a tragic story of two siblings aiming to achieve the same goal of reuniting but they end up drifting apart from each other instead.
Edyn thinks she knows Gillion. She is the one to experience first hand the damage done to him, and for the longest time she was the only one Gillion was truly able to connect with. But the truth is Edyn doesn't know her brother anymore. Edyn never got to be a sister. She never got to experience being annoyed with her little brother's antics, she never learned Gill's habits, his routines, what he likes and what he hates. All she got to see was the Child broken by the Cage he resides in. A broken child that needs to be comforted, a child she loves but doesn't understand. And even with all this she knew him best of all. They shared sorrow and suffering for years and the Bond formed from mutual anguish and pain was enough to form a connection and care. All Edyn knew for so long was that she loves her little brother and that she wants to be his sister. A real one, not just the reward, a relief from pain that he Has to earn.
And Gillion thinks he knows Edyn. To him Edyn was the connection to the world itself. To Gillion Edyn is wise, unwavwring and most importantly, always right. She knows what she's doing and of course she does. She Has seen things he Has never seen before and he trusts her unconditianally. He believes she would never ever lie to him, she is the one thing that keeps him grounded in this world, a reminder of why he needs to keep going. But just like Edyn, Gillion doesn't truly know his sister. He doesn't know her aspirations, her hopes, dreams and desires, he knows nothing about her life up to this point and what she's been doing, and it's not for the lack of trying either.
Both Gill and Edyn used to hide a lot from the other to protect their sibling. Just as Gillion would be vague about things he was going through during training, trying to make is seem like he is in much less pain than he truly is to spare Edyn from things she can't prevent, Edyn was hiding the truth about a lot of things from Gillion, including the truth about the lies he Heard from the Elders in fear of Gillion breaking under the weight of his trauma after realizing that all Has been for nothing.
This behavior continued throughout their entire relationship. A pair of people who love and cherish each other more than anything, yet the world keeps creating barriers between them, until there is just so much left unfelt and unspoken they feel the need to create more barriers themselves.
When Gillion finds out just how much Edyn was not telling him, how deep her involvement with the Navy, the Elders, the war, everything is, he is left worried, hopless, hurt and betrayed. But the most prominent feeling of all is guilt. Cause Gillion trusts Edyn with his entire heart, and yet she doesn't trust him back. She thinks he can't handle it, she thinks he can't know things and it's better to hide it from him just like she Has always been doing. She thinks it is better for him, but what she is really doing is making Gillion feel worthless. To Gill, Edyn is always right so she must have a reason. To Gillion Edyn is always right, so if she thinks of him as someone who can't be trusted with a secret, who will end up ruining things for her and getting in the way, then that must be what it is. And he wants to find her, to help her so badly but Edyn accidentally created this paralysing fear inside him that if he does, he is going to be exactly what Edyn thinks of him. And he so desperately doesn't want to be that, doesn't want to be a burden on her life anymore, more than he already is since whatever she is doing she is doing it for him. The least he can do is not get in her way.
And Edyn? She goes off on her own, trying to get Gillion home, but what she doesn't realize is that Gillion doesn't need a home anymore. Gillion found his home here with Jay and Chip. But that is not the home Edyn is fighting for. She fights for Gillion to be able to go back home to the Undersea, but even if she succeeds, this will never be a home to Gillion. Not anymore. There is too much distance, too much damage to repair 17 years of abscence, 17 years without him. There are no parents anymore for Gill, only familiar strangers, and coming back there and realizing just how little there is left for him there and how much he lost will only cause him more pain. But Edyn doesn't realize it. She doesn't know what Gillion wants because she stopped asking long time ago, assumimg it for him instead, believeing he is not capable of making decisions for himself. And maybe that was true before. But it isn't now. Edyn was so caught up in her own idea of Gillion and what he is that she completely missed her little brother growing up and changing. Getting wiser and more capable, drifting away from this portrait of a helpless child she Has gotten used to many years ago. And by neglecting to notice him and see him and hear him out, Edyn didn't realise that by leaving she have deprived him of the only thing Gillion truly wanted- his loving sister. Cause that is all Gillion truly needs. His rock to keep him steady, the only one who understood him, who was there on his worst days when the only thing he could do was break down in her arms. Back when she was the only thing worth lasting another day for. And now that he thought he got her back, that she is safe and sound, she Has ripped herself away from his life once more. This time willingly, and it hurts even more.
Neither of the siblings ever wanted to hurt the other, and yet they hurt each other anyway. Because there were people who made them believe they have to hide to keep the other Safe. And it is so sick and twisted that the two of them trying to keep the other sibling away from more hurt, is the very thing that keeps exposing them both to more danger, heartbreak and pain.
#jrwi spoilers#jrwi#just roll with it#jrwi riptide#gillion jrwi#gillion tidestrider#edyn jrwi#edyn tidestrider#jrwi edyn#tragic siblings go brrrr#this post was sponsored by me being unable to sleep and thinking about them way too much#so now I am making it everyone else's problem#enjoy lol#not really expecting many people to read this whole it is very long I am aware#but it was festering and boiling inside me and it needed to be expelled before it consumes me from the inside#so here we are :3
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I cannot imagine being a Damian stan right now. You've got both Zdarsky's bullshit (where he clearly doesn't give a shit about your boy) and The Boy Wonder (where Juni Ba clearly gives so many shits about your boy) coming out on the same day. The whiplash must be insane. I hope y'all get some nice warm soup for your efforts jfc
#damian wayne#damian al ghul#damian al ghul wayne#batman#batfamily#for all of the issues that come with having Steph as your fave having too much wild shit happening at once is never one of them#btw I quite like The Boy Wonder Issue 1. wow shocker an artist and writer who I have liked everything they've ever done#has once again written something that I am enjoying with art that makes me want to be part of its world.#it's almost like Juni Ba is really freaking talented or something#like I have some problems with it but it seems like many of those are part of the point. Damian is learning that his siblings are more#three-dimensional than he realized and that is part of this 'coming of age' story merged with fairytale#so I can't be mad at the oversimplistic defining of Dick and Jason and Tim until the conclusion of the series. that might be the point.#I hope that the series will address Steph as a Robin but if not then frankly it's not an issue unique to this series.#I'll be annoyed and disappointed but ultimately roll with it like I am with Babsgirl being here. There's too much good stuff here to get#hung up on shit that seems to be almost an editorial mandate at this point. at least that's where I'm at.#I am also very sorry that Chip Zdarsky is massacring your boy. he has 'X (Tim for him) is the best Robin so everyone else must suck' diseas#where a writer really likes one specific Robin and in trying to uplift them demeans all of the other Robins. instead of like...just writing#for that one character only or alternatively not demeaning the other characters in order to make his blorbo look good#it's wild because I actually think his writing for Tim is pretty solid. but he's not writing a Tim series. he's writing a Batman series.#and if you are going to write a Batman series and include other Batfamily members you need to actually write them well.#instead of assigning them like 2 personality traits while Tim gets to be a whole character#I accept that behavior in fanfic where I have lesser standards because it's fucking free. not a comic run that wants me to pay#tens of dollars in order to understand what the fuck is going on. he's been going for a while now it's gotta be a lot of money.#I can buy Steelworks with that money. I can see John Henry and Natasha Irons in a trade. Fuck you Chip.#it's why it takes such a special person to write a good ensemble story/a good Batfamily story. you have to be good at writing a LOT#of different characters. which I don't think most people are. I sure as hell am not. I can write maybe 3 at a time confidently well.#and you also have to give all of them at least SOME love or else people will be upset that you aren't focusing on their fave#and also the writing as a whole will suffer. Chip Zdarsky is a pretty good Tim writer. I'd maybe read a Tim solo written by him.#I would not read a story focusing on multiple characters that I like written by Chip Zdarsky. because every character who isn't Tim#is at least a bit weak/inconsistent/out of character INCLUDING FUCKING BATMAN. THE NO. 1 GUY MOST ARE HERE FOR
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im going to be so annoying all week
#agghagahah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HYYESAAHHHH#â
arin rambles#BRO BRO PLEASLE#PELASE#my apology for everyone. I have to make it now . Sorry. If youre following me destroy that notif button you dont wanna hear how worse i will#get#actually no just Unfollow entirely#ITS THE ADHD#PLEASE. HE IS SO . COOL. his trailer is so awesome IVE REWATECHED IT 3 TIME SNOW.#I LOVE HIMMMMMMM SO MUCHHHHH#I LOVE HIM SO BAD I JUST ADORE HIM PLEASE#HES SO PRETTY. JAW DROPPING. ICONIC. LIFE CHANGING. THE TEARS IN MY EYES. GENUINELY SOBBING RITHT NOW IT S SO OVER#aventurine likers hold me. Nobody understands. Everyone is scared of me im too crazy#actually its everything wrong with me . Hes ruining my life#i dont struggle as an aventurine liker i actually excel at this its my full rime job now#â9 to 5â no i work 9 to 9. Every hour is dedicated to him#im glad uguys agree with me thannk uou i was starting to think i was a freak#Well i am but im glad someone else agrees hes cool#Hes so pretty im so happy#I CAMT WAIT RILL WENDENSDAY PLEASE IM GONNA FREAKIFN BLOW UP#I LOVE AVENTURINE. I LOVE AVETURINE.#i get so happy when i see him i get a little violent its unsettling .#like im like shaking my hands and jumping around my room and then u blink and im bashing my head against the floor#its carpet. Im ok. But like not but i am#DUDE. I LOVE. THIS GUY. EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM#i needto. Just. Okay brb gonna watch ir like 20 more times ill see u guys next year im going into a Aventurine induced coma#this makes me realize people read my tags. Oh dear. Sorry everypony#i apologize for my behavior. I will get so much scarier.#HES SO COOL. HES ACTYALLU SO COOL. LIKE HOW CAN SOMEBODY BE SO COOL.#oh god OH LORERDRDRDDDDDDD WHEN I GET YOU BOY WHEN I FIND YOU. WATCH OUT. WATCH OUT I WILL GET YOU.
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damn
#donât know why me as a non horror/blood/gore/violence/etc fan#decided to start watching y/eIIowjackets alone at home after everyone else is asleep#and also at home which is bigger than my apt obviously lol and where i have my own room#im probably fine like iâm just unsettled by it so it was just an interesting choice LOL#esp like pretty much knowing what i was getting into#anywayyyyy i didnât know any of ye/IIowjackets was on netfIix#iâve acc wanted to watch it for a while ever since seeing stuff on tumblr LOLOL#one of the tags of a show i havenât watched but keep unfiltered bc i donât mind seeing things from it#so i have been spoiled but i think that helps for me who is relatively not a horror/etc fan lol đ#idk if this classifies as horror but it does classify as smth i usually would not watch đ#so why am i watching it idk still LOL itâs rly interesting thooooo#i love making the window super small and also completely blocking the screen except the captions#when shit is going down <3 LOL#anyway time for me to get ready for rotting in bed and continuing reading this h/eartstopper fic#to hopefully not have too bad a time sleeping lololol#me when i did this to myself#jeanne talks
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Hello hello! It's me again! (That one Anon who requested Lies with Kazui & Yuno, but I've set up my account now so no need to ask anonymously again lol) Thank you for satisfying my previous request, it was such a delight to read. I keep rereading it every now and then and I'm still always left in awe with it like jesus christ you didn't have to go all in on that im sobbing with the 0207 friendship dynamic.
I've also seen your latest post and drabble asks. I'd like to request from the Drabble List#1 - #5 âIdiots. They are all idiots.��� with Es themselves!
Let the prisoners have fun and Es just stares at them nonchalantly, silently judging their idiocy from afar, hell, maybe even let Yuno/Mikoto convince them to join. You can do anything as long as you think it'll fit, they're all just a little silly (minus the fact they're in prison lol).
With all that said, take your time and no rush! I can always wait. Thanks a lot! ...now back to rereading my previous request for the nth time,, i love it so much,, thankyouagain
Ah thank you so much, that means so much!! I'm so glad you liked it, that one was really nice to write :'D And yesss thank you for the request -- this was such a blast to do as well! (though I also made myself emotional over Es' lost childhood, that was less fun ;___;) I debated on several activities within the prison but thought this was plausible and fun for some mid-T1 shenanigans
Es had a job to do. They had many eyes watching them. They had several lives in their hands. They had heavy responsibilities. They didnât have time for something as silly as âvideo game nightâ, regardless of the laughter that bubbled up from the common room as they passed by. They were not way tempted to join, regardless of how much fun the group seemed to be having when they peered their head in.
Fuuta had whined that Es had replaced all his requests with completely outdated consoles and games, confirming they had been successful in choosing things without any access to the internet or outside world. Plus, they thought, this gave the older prisoners a fighting chance with some of the games.
Not that they cared whether or not the prisoners had a good time. That wasnât any concern of theirs. Even in these long periods of rest between their more eventful duties, they must remain focused.
The laughter crescendoed into delighted screaming.
Es figured one more look inside wouldnât hurt. They were supposed to be keeping an eye on everyone, after all.Â
The prisoners had gathered various chairs and bedding material, creating makeshift couches. Some piled onto the new seating, some splayed out on the ground, others stood in excitement. The television was so small, the two players needed to lean all the way forward to see.Â
Mahiru bounced in her seat as Yuno whipped around her remote. Fuuta was demanding Kazui play better, gesturing wildly at the screen. Shidou chucked to himself as the others grew more intense. Haruka kept asking questions about the game, receiving an answer only about half the time.Â
As the match got closer, Yuno leapt to her feet. She tried to shimmy in front of Kazui and block his view. He stood to prod her out of the way. Muu called foul play, though she said it with a thrill rather than accusation. Fuuta repeated it -- with quite a lot of accusation -- and tried to push Yuno out of the way. Mikoto tried to hold him back, voicing his support of Yunoâs methods.Â
The others got caught up in the yelling. Amaneâs eyes were wide in anticipation. Kotoko pumped her fist as the battle got even closer. The room erupted in movement and shoving and tripping and remote pulling -- until they yanked the tiny television forward.Â
The thick cord came free, and the screen went black just before a winner was announced. Ten voices chorused their outrage.
Es shook their head. âIdiots. They are all idiots.â
They turned away as the prisoners hurried to set everything up again. They were just about to turn the corner into the panopticon when Yunoâs voice called from behind.
âHey!â She ran up, taking advantage of their brief pause. âI saw you passing by. Why donât you come join us?â
Not for the first time, Es wished they had enough height to look down on all the prisoners. âIâm your warden. Iâm not some child here to play games with you all.â
She pursed her lips. âIâm not a kid either. But Iâm still down for a night to unwind.â
âYouâre lucky to have the luxury to relax. I, on the other hand, am busy right now.â Â
Yuno made a show of looking left, then right, across the empty hallway. âAnd what exactly are you doing right now?â
âIâm working.â
She frowned. âUh-huhâŚâ
âI am!â They fumbled for more, coming up blank. They should have known the moment she came skipping over to them that it would be impossible to fool her. There was no need for this routine check of the prison; everyone was gathered in the common room except them. Yuno had known this before uttering a single word.
Her hands fluttered in a dismissive gesture. âToo much work is never good for you. It doesnât matter how mature you are -- if you get too caught up in your job itâll drive you to some crazy things.â She smirked. âJust look at Shidou. Or Mikoto!â
âI could look at youâŚâ
Though surprise flickered across her face, she kept grinning. âExactly! So letâs get you in here.â She tugged on their arm. Prisoners couldnât physically move Es against their will.Â
They huffed as they found themselves inching closer and closer to the entryway.
âI suppose I can come and watch,â they muttered, âand still keep an eye on you all.â
âNo! No more working!â She managed to get them into the room. âHere, you can take my spot in the next round.â
Kazui looked over. âWho said you were getting the next spot?â
âOh come on, I was clearly going to win that one.â
âClearly? I'm pretty sure was seconds away from beating you.â
âWell then, I guess Es can take your spot.â
âEs is playing?â Haruka looked up excitedly.Â
âI havenât agreed to anything yet.â
It was as if they hadnât said anything at all. The others launched into a discussion of who would give their remote to Es? Who would theyâd face off against? Were they resetting the bracket theyâd begun? Which game would they return to? The ten argued in circles for a while. For a group of murderers, they were insistent on a fair tournament. After breaking up some bickering that could have become physical, Es once again wondered how they ended up watching over a mess like this.Â
At length the game was chosen, and a rematch was slated for Yuno and Kazui later in the night. To save themself time and sanity, Es went ahead and picked their opponent.
âIâll play Fuuta.âÂ
He had been the obvious choice: he could supply enough chatter for the both of them, so Es could remain silent. Also, he was guaranteed to win and free them from an obligation to play more than one round. They flashed a look at some of the more observant prisoners, hoping they didnât tip them off.
However, no one was really watching them too keenly. Mahiru clapped in joy. Yuno beamed. Mikoto shoved a remote into their hands. Haruka started rapidly explaining the rules to them. Shidou directed Es to their seat in the center. Kotoko gave them an encouraging nod. As expected, Fuuta was already deep into trash talk as he sat next to them.
They really were simple-minded people, more focused on this silly game than the fact their warden had just sat amongst them. It was dangerous to let oneâs guard down in a place like this, Es reminded themself.Â
With a little jingle, the match began.Â
Their fingers flew across the controls. Though they had a rocky start, some sort of muscle memory kicked in. Surely this game had come out before they were born, and there was no way theyâd played it regularly. None of that mattered much. Their little avatar was obviously gaining the lead.
Their eyes stayed fixed on the screen as they received slaps on the back and nudges. Their guard's cap was knocked off in the shuffling, but they couldn't risk picking it up. Voices called all around them.
âAw, donât just let the kid win!â Mikoto said.
âIâm not!â Fuuta was desperate. âThey fucking tricked me! Theyâre a pro!â
Es felt energy run through their entire body. Their original plan already slipping away, they wondered if they could actually beat Fuuta. It would be fun to see⌠They leaned forward, holding their breath. The audience continued cheering the pair on. Once again, the room was swept up in shouts.
The match ended. A little banner flashed across the screen to name Es victorious. They jumped up, a small whoop escaping them.Â
They wouldâve melted in shame right then and there, if the sound werenât already drowned out by the surrounding chaos. The others laughed and shook Es in amazement. Fuuta let out a string of colorful language.
âThat was incredible!â
âHoly shit!â
âHowâd you do that?â
Es placed the cap back on their head, pulling it over their eyes. âI donât know. And it doesnât matter. Iâm done for the night.â They tried to pass off the remote, but Mikoto pushed it back into their hands.Â
âNuh-uh. I want to see this for myself.â He grabbed the other one from a dejected Fuuta. âSame game. Same characters. Lemme see what youâve got.â
Es wasnât meant to play one round, much less get caught up in their ridiculous tournament.
Donât be an idiot, they told themself.
âBring it on,â they told Mikoto.
#milgram#es#yuno kashiki#fuuta kajiyama#mikoto kayano#and everyone else#i always worry it gets too busy with too many characters but i think this works đ#thank you for all your kind words!!! i feel like a broken record but it really means so much to me --#im so happy youre enjoying these as much as i am >:3#my next one is going to be a bit more serious but it was really fun doing these lighter ones :')#they deserve a night of relaxation and fun! im absolutely obsessed with es' insistence on their duty and solemn attitude#because theyre just a kid! they need a break! theyd get excited and competitive just like anyone else! they should be allowed to!#UGH#i think es and amane are a bit too similar with their struggles with age and being controlled by adults where its harder to get along#but yuno also understands what its like to want to be seen as a responsible mature person despite a younger age#and shed know how best to say things lightly but still meaningfully <3#yeah i thought about them doing sports or cooking or karaoke but this worked the best#haruka and amane dont have much experience with video games but i think theyd catch on quick#shidou has a lot of fun but he sucks ass LMAO#mahiru also isnt great but even if she was doing good shed let everyone else win to make sure their spirits stay up#im a sucker for writing where a character says something over and over and you just know theyre trying to convince themselves đ#someone tell me to stop rambling in the tags and just make a new post for gods sake asdfsdfds#i hope you enjoy!#im late by now but woo happy getting your account set up đ welcome to the hellsite...#drabbles
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This isnât Johnny discourse but it is kind of discourse about the discourse about him balding (which he isnât).
What would it matter if he took off his hat and he was a shining beacon?? The dude canonically fucks (well not canon-canon but I feel like thereâs implications of fucks-ing)!! At the most, he would be a Pitbull reference and that would be cool because good for Daisuke. Listen to Timber by Ke$ha (feat. Pitbull).
It kind of felt like they were making jokes at the expense of people loosing hair. Itâs like that thing where you shouldnât make fun of people for âXâ because then your friends who âXâ will know you think that about them.
John E is cool. I think heâs lame but heâs cool.
-A concerned Jellyfish Pirate
Idk anything about Pitbull, to be honest, but my GOD does he look like he's having the time of his life in the Timber video hahah Been a while since I heard that song...
Anyway, Johnny totally fucks. There's no way a man that toned, running around shirtless all of the time, with that slight yeehaw accent, couldn't find someone DTF with the tiniest bit of effort. He's absolutely gettin it rofl He could still get it if he was bald too, or receding.
I've complained about it on here a bit already, but yeah I don't think people making fun of Johnny because they think he's losing hair realize that a lot of people in real life are going to lose their hair as they age, and their jokes at Johnny are also jokes at these people. It's not even just an issue cis men can have either, everyone's hair thins with age, some just more (and sooner) than others. To make fun of someone, fictional or otherwise, for losing their hair is digging a trench to fill with future self loathing at one's own hair loss. And hair loss in >2023 isn't even that bad anymore!! There are so many ways to manage and style it now.
Johnny's a babe. Big fan of his "dad trying too hard to be cool but is actually somehow still really cool despite that" energy
#asks#Among the death threats I got on Twitter for the Brisket <3 meme 1 year anniversary post were a bunch of transphobic insults towards me too#And at least two of them were insults about how I was gonna go bald because I'm a trans man lol#I felt kind of bad for the cis guys that left those comments because all the (cis) men in my family were hairy bastards well into old age#T on its own doesn't just make all your hair fall out. It follows genetics just like naturally produced T does#Some trans men will lose their hair and some won't. I probably won't until I am VERY old#So them making fun of me for that told me that: 1. They're very afraid of losing their own hair#2. They think everyone else is afraid of losing their hair too (or that everyone thinks it looks ugly. Which is untrue)#3. They think that trans men are especially susceptible to hair loss#I've had a mohawk for about 7 years now. I am very familiar with the shape of my skull and wouldn't mind just going full bald#When it gets that thin and I decide to buzz it off I'll be sad about it for sure. But it absolutely will not be the end of the world#I'll go full Rob Halford haha Going bald is a non-issue#Unrelated but I love Johnny's EN dub accent in Strive so much because 'watered down yeehaw accent' is the only accent I can do well lmfao
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The free trial of clip studio paint is such BULLSHIT man. What the fuck do you mean I can't save any files until I buy it. How am I supposed to trial the goddamn thing if I have to do everything in one sitting. I have never once had a free trial do this shit in my life. Idc how good the program is that's just fucking bullshit dude
#the learning curve for krita is way too fucking massive for me so csp is my only other realistic choice unfortunately#but I wanna get a Good feel for whether or not it's gonna work for me. but I fucking CANT bcuz you cant save anything!!! its so dumb!!!!!!#I'm going to lose my mind.#like. am I nuts for thinking this is a weird thing for them to do. literally none of the free trials of software I've done have done this#also maybe I'm just stupid but their brush engine is kinda wack. I spent like 3 hours trying to make a good lineart brush and still dont-#-have one that's even remotely tolerable#and all of the edges on the brushes are pixelated as FUCK. like everything is so fuckin pixel-y it's so ugly I hate it#everyone says this is a fantastic product so either I'm missing smth or everyone else has lower standards than I do /lh#armchair speaks
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... how am I meant to get any sort of restful sleep when it's like 85F indoors in my bedroom at NIGHT .. hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#why the next poll adventure and everything else has taken so long lol.. I straight up have just not done anything#the past few days... staring down my todo list and sweating hopelessly#AT LEAST it;s relatively low humidity. the highest it's been up to is maybe 65%. but is usually around 50 or 40ish#There is one small window air conditioner in a roomate's room that can KIND OF be shared by nailing a sheet up to block off the hallway#with the rooms in it so the cool air goes into the other bedrooms but doesnt flow out into the kitchen or etc but#wjhen it's the time of day that the sun is directly hitting the window & it's like 102F outside even that doesnt help much. to cool 3 rooms#and I always feel like we're going to explode the air conditioner or something running it too much with direct heat on it. sometimes it#smells like hot plastic or whatever ghj.. so it's mostly just.. block off all windows with 5 layers of blankets and cardboard#starting at 10am (meaning.. no indoor light for days basically.. no natural lighting.. time passes weird. hard to determine time of day).#throw water on the bed every night so you sleep in wet sheets and keep your clothes and hair wet at all times. ice. cold drinks. keep a#little fan running pointed directly at you nearly 24/7 even when sleeping with a fan blowing air on you makes your eyes and throat painfull#dry. etc. etc.. and i KNOW people have it worse in plenty of places blah blah. i am just complaining on my little blog that is about me lol#I think the biggest thing about lack of adequate/central air conditioning for me is just the LACK of productivity!!! I am working on games!#and novels!! and so many other crafts. costumes! sculptures!!! things I want to do!!! we all have a limited amount of time on this planet a#nd I have so many goals!! To lose basically 4-5 days straight or producivity - when if I had been able to temperature#control my environment better I could have easily gotten more done because I wouldn't be laying around nuseous and too hot#and sick to do anything all day etc. -- is like.... GRRRRRR... it just feels so senseless.. i could have USEd that time...#Every CEO who has contributed to global warming owes me 1million doallrs to fund my art projects and make up for all the time#I've lost on them due to their stupid bullshit.. also they should be stoned to death in a public square. but redistribute the money FIRST#to everyone on the planet. but especially people who have been affected by floods. fires. etc. etc.#poor people who have limited choice in housing and access to air conditioning. homeless people in cooling centers. people with disabillitie#and health issues that are worse in the heat so the entire future just seems increasingly terrifying for them. etc. etc.#ANYWAY.... eughhhgh.... It can cool down SLIGHTLY at night but the past few nights I have been sleeping in an 81 degree room and I wake up#and first thing in the morning its like 82 by then and I'm so nauseous and nasty feeling... just so so tired of it.. I NEED SNOW#literally not even joking.. snow would heal me. .. oughffff...#AND i got the new nasty stinky poo poo pee pee tumblr dashboard update lol.. e v i l
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horrifying self recognition through the other aside this has been an actually not terrible start to The Family Gathering tbh
#my cousin who i havent really seen in a while came up to me and asked abt my pronouns because i came out to the fam a while ago#and he didnt really remember what id said (which. fair. its a big family w lots of things to remember)#and so he asked what my pronouns were and i told him and he promised that if he ever messed up i needed to make him#do like 5 or 10 pushups lmao#and ngl. its the sweetest thing anyone in this family has ever said to me abt that#everyone else has kinda just. moved on. and either forgotten that im not a girl or purposefully ignoring it.#and idk maybe i should stand up for myself a little more but ive been practically a doormat all my life#and idk. its hard using my voice and establishing boundaries when ive let ppl bulldoze over me for almost 20 years.#sigh. anyway.#im gonna be thinking about that all day tbh it was genuinely so sweet#and i am also being consumed by The Loneliness again <3#just. i want someone to just talk to about all this??? someone who isnt in my family because they all have stakes in it too?????#we're all grieving. i aint special.#i just want to talk to someone about it in person so they can hold my hand while i cry myself to sleep because ngl#thats what it looks like we're doing tonight#im just. tired of feeling alone in this enormous family where it seems like im the only odd man out#and also ykw the Not Having Any Irl Friends loneliness too. thats also pretty significant.#not saying my internet friends arent great i love yall so so so much but it has just been .#a really really long time since ive had a good cry n hug session w someone.#sigh. im tired i need to go to bed#winter speaks#personal
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well I can already tell this is gonna be a bad night
today has just been fucking weird and hard. I'm in a bad mood. everything feels bad. (probably not helped by me not taking the new antidepressant last night so I wouldn't sleep all day)
the plan was for my friend to come over this weekend to help me pack. she did that last time and it helped a lot. (my husband could help, obviously, but he's in charge of other things that also need to get done. plus he's very bad at putting things into boxes.)
but the rail strike is still going on so it's likely that she won't be able to get here (or get back in time). so now that's suddenly a lot more stressful and the one thing that I thought would make it go okay is gone.
and I also have to like. at least reread my thesis a few times or whatever to study for the oral exam on Friday. which will make me want to die. because it is bad. so. that will be bad. and the thought of being asked questions about that piece of garbage for 30 fucking minutes is so horrifying that I genuinely do not know if I will be able to get through it without taking my Lorazepam beforehand (which I know is a horrible idea, and my psychiatrist told me twice that it's a bad idea, and I know it would just make me unbelievably stupid. but holy shit that is the scariest thing I can imagine.)
and of course instead of doing anything useful I'm now just sitting here feeling like shit (like last night, only worse)
#it'd just be so fucking nice if I could just.. have a break#it's just been nonstop awful shit since my dad's cancer diagnosis in đ¤ 2015. I'm sorry but that's too long. I can't do it anymore. I just#need some damn time to fucking calm down#like yeah any outsider would probably look at my life and think 'well you haven't actually DONE anything in like 6 years'#yeah that's true#but I've also been sick and/or in pain pretty much since 2018. and some of that was fixed last year when I had my gallbladder removed but i#is still not good. first of all that did not work out so well for me. but also everything else is still not right and no one cares and I#just don't have the energy to fight to get a diagnosis#I'm just so tired#I really thought I'd just. go to uni. get my degree in 3 years like expected. get a job. move out. have a normal life FINALLY for the first#time ever#and NONE of that fucking happened#EVERYTHING WENT WRONG. again and again and again#and I am just. so. tired. I can't. I can't do it.#it feels so fucking pathetic to be like 'my life is soooo hard everyone feel bad for me' when there is just. objectively not that much wron#but it just. never. stops.#I've never had a fucking moment to just. sit down. and think. and make decisions about my life. everything just. happens to me#I just. feel so lost and stuck and doomed and it won't fucking get better! it won't! my life got better ONE TIME and it has been pure hell#since then#like. no. it won't get better. this will keep happening over and over and over#I'll never have a choice. not really. I fucked up my life permanently when I dropped out of school at 18 and tbh I wish I would've just bee#brave enough to do what I really wanted then (killing myself)#because fuck. this is not worth it#literally everyone I love is either really fucking far away or just. fictional.#I have no close relationships with anyone irl#everyone I know irl is mean and kind of an asshole. and I'm too useless to meet new people.#I just. I don't want to survive anymore I want to live but I can't have that so. what's the goddamn point#its gonna be fine. because I'm a fucking coward so I'll never do it anyway. but I fucking wish I could
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writing on my various Awful Nasty wips has been going SO well, so of course i'm having an anxiety attack about how difficult the (sweet, loving, happy ending) phone sex fic is going to be to write when i ever get back to it. like it's just so many balls in the air at once, and i know how it goes--i know the next couple sections in detail, and then the general outline of the middle, and then the climax in detail also. and it's just. so much. there's two intertwined A-plots and a B-plot. i have to create an OC. i have to write multiple scenes with three or more people in them. it's going to have chapters. and i have to do it, no one else is going to do it, the first scene is already so fucking good and the potential is incredible if i can just. do it. and i don't know if i can :(
#why can't i get any small ideas#i just feel this awful Responsibility once i come up with something good and write a couple thousand good words of it (or more)#like i won't be able to live with myself if i don't finish creating this awesome thing#like i will have Failed some very real and meaningful stakeholder#who i think is just me but unfortunately that doesn't make it any less crushing#i've done three fics of a similar length before that were about one tier lower in complexity#so i am probably like. CAPABLE of writing this story#in theory#but that was 3-4 years ago and im just so fucking cowed by how much STUFF i'm going to have to come up with#im so bad at coming up with stuff#fun fact this is basically the only context in my life where i feel unwarranted/unreasonable guilt#an emotion that is otherwise utterly foreign to me unless i've actually done something bad#i don't experience capitalist guilt or family guilt or the hovering shame of somehow being Bad that almost everyone else seems to have#all that societal shit rolled off me. too autistic. couldn't penetrate#but failing to live up to my potential as an artist fucking destroys me
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i know my anxiety is irrational and comprised of previous negative experiences instead of an accurate prediction of the future bc it still tries to make me feel bad about objectively funny things that no longer even align with my morals as a person
#did i ever tell yall abt how im the reason a choir i was in couldnt post a nice video. i singlehandedly ruined it#they were recording us reacting to the big revelation of where we would be going on our choir trip next year and we were HYPED UP#or at least i was. they were dragging it out and i was super excited#finally after 3 separate speeches and like 10mins of buildup (im not kidding) they told us we were going to...#literal drum roll. a guy in the drum section of the brass band was doing a drum roll. really funny guy i remember he was cool#... toronto!! (this was very exciting i had never been to toronto and i love getting to travel anywhere new)#and everyone was reacting positively and i loudly went 'OH MY GOD' bc i was excited#now the thing is. i had been trying not to swear anymore bc i felt like i did it too much (i was deep in religion at this point in my life#(the worst thing i would ever say was hell and that felt like a slur) (i was miserable 24/7 bc i had such high standards for myself)#and the other thing is. this was a church choir. we were IN the sanctuary at the time#multiple people turned to GLARE/stare at me and istg i felt smth inside me die a little i was beyond mortified#and i know they were recording our reaction bc i saw multiple people doing it. but no video was ever posted in the end đ#i know 100% that was my fault bc i am very loud. you could absolutely hear me on that video + nobody else had that huge reaction#anyway. in the moment i was embarrassed but nowadays its so funny considering how i and those people turned out#i didnt even go on that trip i dropped out of the choir 3mos later bc i hated it there lmao#levi.txt#and now i think the fuck word is like top five most used words in my vocabulary and im not religious anymore. character growth#im nice to people and not weirdly judgemental abt whether their choices fit my moral standards#and most importantly of all im reasonably happy these days bc i dont try to make myself act like someone im not all the time!#i cant believe my brain still pulls that memory out sometimes to try and make me feel bad bc it just. does not work anymore
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