#and i /am/ looking forward to anxious people … but now should i just save it for a january read? i technically could do yellowface as

[permanentreverie]

if yall see me fail to complete the new septembers readathon by the end of this month no you didn’t. turn away.

[dark-night-hero]

"So it's true! You and her- Guizhong were a thing. Then what the hell does that make me Morax?!" "Can you just drop it of? We're in a hurry." He was tired. And their friend was in danger. "No! Knowing you'll be out there to save your other lover, tell me the truth Morax! Is it true?!" It was the same topic of argument for some time now. He had been denying it over and over again, he just cannot seem to understand why you kept insisting even after hearing him say that was not the case. And he was getting tired of it.

Guizhong was just a friend and that very same friend is now in danger if they do not arrive at rhe right time and here he is getting hold up because of your questions. And knowing you would not let him go even if he were to deny it because that was the truth. Maybe he should give in for now to avoid further more questioning and leave as fast as he can so he could come back to you in now time, knowing that he could easily resolve the misunderstanding and his lies. "You know what. It's true. Now if you just get out of the way, I need to save her." "Wha-what? Wa-wait! Morax-!"

He did not mean to be harsh than he already is. He was just mad, mad because he saw no reason why you should get jealous of a friend, a common friend of yours. Mad because he was running late and a little more than to it could possibly result the death of a dear friend. At the same time, he was mad at himself for leaving that way. But he knew he could always explain when he came back into you. The two of you could always sort it out after the battle like you two always does.

So why? So why in the world- celestia were everything was on fire. And you were in the middle of it, leaning on your weapon for support, blood running down all the way from your temple into your chin. It was not just that. You are bleeding, bleeding all over. Why. Why why why why why? Just what the hell happened in here?

"Don't come." You utter, despite the fact that you could barely stand, you painfully look forward to your lover... heh, can he still be called a lover when he already admitted that he betrayed you? "Some..." you pant. "Some beings came into the city while you were away... hahh, I manage to defend the city until all the people manage to flee but- cough! Hahh, the god manage to escape."

"No. No no no no no." It was getting hard to breathe, nevertheless you should see Morax from afar, running towards you. "Bastard- I told you not to come he-!" You stagger forward, for a moment losing consciousness, still, you embrace yourself with the thought of you hitting the ground. But you never did.

"Let go." "It was a lie. There was no one else." "Morax- I said-" "I was in a hurry, I did not mean to say those words. Guizhong was only a friend. Believe me. God- Celestia. There is no one else. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please don't leave me." He was hugging, cradling you in his arms. His tears rolling down his cheeks, into your own but you were feeling quite numb to notice that.

"It's..." You tried to hold up a hand but you could only feel the pain and the more it drains you. In the end you could only hold on into his arm. "It's okay... you don't have to lie to make me... feel better." You tried to smile to make him feel better, so why does it look like he was about to lose his whole world? "No. No please. It's nothing like that. I was a fool, I am a fool. Please believe me there is no one else but you. (First name). Please."

You knew he was talking, you can see him talking despite how things were slowly starting to go blurr, you can hear a few words but cannot seemed to focus on it when there is a high pitched ring that makes you unable to focus on what he was saying. Also, "It's cold." You mumble, fighting everything you can to stay conscious.

"Fuck!" Morax can feel your body slowly but surely cooling down. Suddenly his heart dropped as he panicked, he was getting anxious. He felt fear for the first time in his life. "Hold on, please hold on." He tried, he tried his best to fix you with his powers but it was no avail. You have so many wounds, you have already lost a lot of blood. You were dying all ago. "Fuck." He cursed once again. "Fuck, fuck! I told you to hold on (First name)!" He was getting mad again.

Morax felt like he was going mad, he felt like he was about to get crazy. Specially when he saw you starting to close your eyes. He felt a shiver down his spine. "Don't you dare close your eyes (First name)!" Not like this, not when you seemed to sure that he never loved- love you. "Fuck!" His amber iris were glowing with that presence of a dragon. "Don't you dare fell asleep (First name). I'm begging you please-?" He felt a light squeeze on his arm.

"Its.. okay." Taking your last breath, Morax felt the heavy weight of your now dead body in his arms. Your hand falling to your side as your head rest in his chest. At that very moment a rain drop fell from the sky, Morax arms were trembling yet still manage to pull you closer to him as if trying to find a little warmth. "Hah, hahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA."

That day, the dragon lost his mate. His one and only mate as his anguish cries were heard all throughout their land.

[ⓒdark-night-hero] 2024°

: bye, may klase pa ko ng alas quatro sa hapon.

: Also, why is it always zhongli who become the victim of my angst ideas. Tho I might make a same promt with ???

[brandytusk]

The following thoughts, or maybe confession, contain Arcane spoilers. Please keep that in mind should you continue. It's a long story, I apologize in advance.

Now I will say, I am no LoL player, thus unfamiliar with its lore with the exception of what I search for, or what education I get from others. I had a passing interest in Arcane due to my best friend's insistence, rambling on about its beautiful art style, symbolism, and compelling writing. It was one of those things I did in fact, try and make a habit of to sit and watch at dinner, see what all the rising hubbub was about. I'll admit, I don't know where I stopped in season one, but I didn't finish it. As I recall, the plot felt too grim. To me, it felt like it was a show getting praise for being artistically depressing. When season one's ending was spoiled for me, I was glad I hadn't got as invested as other people I knew. To have developed characters so sincerely in a season's time, just to end it the way it was done…I disapproved, and I shook my head. Forgot it all at the time.

I'm a millennial who has lived through recession, through pandemic, and I am not middle class. I'm anxious, and there are days that feel hopeless and painfully long. I want to escape into the media I consume, let characters take me on a journey with them, far away from the oppressive, hanging air of everyday life in late stage capitalism. I don't want a tragic story, no matter how much it is praised for its art direction. Moving forward every morning can be bleak enough. Maybe others like these kinds of harsh stories for its relatability, and that's fine! I am happy for those that can appreciate it in that way, but I cannot. I'm tired, and perhaps not just as a struggling individual, but as an LGBT+ person with a husband.

Mainstream, popular shows (that get shown to American audiences, at least) don't often get obvious queer representation, or when it does, the show is often cut short. I felt baited in what I did see of season one, and rolled my eyes that fanfiction writers were fed enough to work their magic and fill the holes, as per usual.

Then, the next season of Arcane releases, and my social media feeds became flooded with screenshots and spoilers. I didn't block said spoilers and told myself I was no longer invested in Arcane -- only to see the most alarming screen captures I'd ever seen.

I especially liked what I'd seen of Viktor and Jayce in the past. I enjoyed seeing two intelligent, determined male creatives share screentime and share their story of a growing, deepening friendship. As far as I was aware, Jayce and Viktor were well bonded colleagues, if not each other's 'ride or die', once mutually and deeply invested in a greater outcome to benefit the whole. Compared to the rest of what I'd seen of Arcane's first season, it still hadn't gripped me enough to stick around as I wanted to save myself from heartache. Long story short, season two's spoilers revealed to me Jayce making a frantic, truly desperate effort to revive his fallen, disabled partner Viktor after the explosion. While he's successful, this fuses Viktor with tech Jayce once swore to destroy. Jayce draws close and is just relieved Viktor, in his birthday suit at this moment mind you, is alive, while Viktor is disappointed Jayce didn't keep his promise. They go separate ways, and the scene felt like an intimate argument, a break up. Well, at this point with that much revealed to me, I was relieved to see the two of them alive after the first season's ending. I was curious again, so I continued to look at screen captures and gifsets.

Viktor develops magic skills to heal others, and in his new body things, seem to fall into place for him. He is appreciated, and maybe it's suggested he gets a following. While its unclear how 'good' the arcane is, what he's doing with it seems right for the character. It looks like a victory…until Jayce comes along and puts a hole in Viktor's chest, keeping his promise. Viktor only meant to talk to him. Jayce, who had fought so hard to revive this man, kills him, as far as I'd seen it. It felt like petty shock value. Not knowing there was more episodes to come, I thought that was it. More tragedy, more pain.

My husband knows me well. I very rarely get affected by the shows I watch, and when I do, I am reserved about it. Instead, I sobbed, the kind where you can't see passed the tears and the snot. I felt so betrayed by my curiosity, by my hopeful feelings. I spent days ranting to my friends and my husband, offended and angry. How dare these writers throw around this disabled character and give him no relief, and what was more, develop two men in such a way as to suggest one simply cannot exist without the other only to shoot down one of them, by the hand of their partner? I had let myself be baited again, and I was feeling it. It burned, it hurt, I raged. I gave up.

A day or two ago, my best friend chimed in again: I should check in on Arcane. There had been more episodes, the season had finished. Trusting they knew how sensitive I was about all of it, I did. Again, I was moved to tears, but for different, much better reasons.

What was this?

Fortiche and its writing team had bothered to weave together and tell a story of two men ultimately destined for each other through every timeline, the kind of trope reserved for romantic movies and literature? They held hands, kept each other close, were honest with each other in the starry nothing. Hand to nape, forehead to forehead, and colorfully blinked out of that current existence, together? Such intimacy didn't need a kiss or a sex scene to feel real, there was love there. Their fated, interwoven existence, their deep and complex relationship, saved the world. In the end, there was hope.

You can tell yourself that it wasn't romantic if it makes you feel better, but in all its passionate details it very much was. To this stressed, exhausted LGBT+ person in these real uncertain times, I needed to see it. I felt deep relief, satisfaction, and most of all a need to pursue the Arcane fandom, a desire to enter. To at the very least, gush about my impression of it all, and what it means to me to see two men tenderly portrayed in ways they typically aren't. Fortiche, well done. You did give the Caitvi shippers something to blatantly feast upon, you also gave lesbian characters depth and variation, but this isn't about that.

You let two male characters show dedication, affection, and softness. Thank you. Jayvik folks, I am with you. Arcane, let's start over at the first episode, I can't wait to watch all of you now.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for wanting to spend a night out with a guy?

I'm twenty, study in university and still live with my parents. I've been planning to move out since I was eighteen, but they told me to keep living at home and not get a job so I could focus on studying while they take care of me financially. This arrangement has worked mostly well in the past years save for a few small conflicts, but it's escalated in the past 3-4 months.

The issue is my time schedule. I have a very active social life, am active in the local art scene, do political work and a lot of extracurricular stuff for university (I'm a straight A student, I might add!). Because of this, and because I'm a natural night owl, I usually come home late several days a week (between 10pm and 2am) and stay out all day for most of the week. This means I can't do a lot of chores, and usually there's a lot of housework because my mum has a bit of a cleaning anxiety and wants to make sure everything is spotless 24/7.

Enter this guy, I'll call him Tim. I met him at a festival last summer and we became long distance friends. Tim has visited me for a day several times before, but this weekend he offered to come over for two days and we agreed to spend the night stargazing together without sleeping. I loved the idea and immediately said yes. It was gonna be just us, a couple energy drinks, and some bench in the city center, and I was really looking forward to it.

The thing is, my mum does not like Tim. Like, at all. She thinks he seems very sleazy and generally distrusts him because he feels "too nice" for her. Mind you, he's just a somewhat shady looking guy who is generally pretty anxious he might make a bad impression, so he overperforms the whole "respectable member of society" act a bit around new people. I've introduced him to my friend group and even the more sceptical people absolutely love him and think he's a very sweet, helpful person. In basically every stressful situation I've ever seen him in he's been deescalating, protective and helpful, and he has on several occasions been my first source of comfort when things went to hell.

Today I told my mum in an offhanded comment that I won't come home between Sunday and Monday and the situation escalated completely. She was crying, accusing me of ruining her month, saying I didn't care about this family, it got ugly. The main point she had was that I was staying out all night with someone who's a total stranger to her and she doesn't trust him at all. In the end we compromised that Tim and I would spend the night awake, but not in the city, at home.

I feel really humiliated by this whole situation and honestly, kind of betrayed, because I was promised stuff like this wouldn't happen, and it just hits in a much safer situation than ones I've been in before (I used to get blackout drunk and sleep at parties a lot.). I'm a legal adult, have been for years now and it's so disappointing that my parents still treat me like a child sometimes and are so judgy towards my friends too. At the same time, I'm wondering whether I've acted wrong too by not telling her about this earlier and not taking her concerns that seriously. I forget sometimes that I talk to Tim every day for hours, but my parents only briefly ran into him once, so of course their view of him is skewed.

PS: I should add that when I told him about this, he immediately apologized, asked if I needed anything or wanted to change the plan and decided to dig out the least offensive outfit he could find so he'd make a good impression on my parents. So he's definitely trying his best.

[madraleen]

Genshin Impact 5.1 Archon Quests - Jumbled Thoughts

-Just. Insane. All of it. Act 3 was so chill, so “oh yeah, middle act continuation of the story,” and then in Act 4 shit hit the fan. There’s no other way to put it. It was HARROWING. It was war. It was. It was ugly and urgent and relentless - as it should be, but I wasn’t expecting it to be. The dead bodies? The dead Saurians? The dead Dino? I was speechless, I felt the despair. When the Traveler insisted to Paimon that we’ll win, I was like “HOW? HOW?! And even if we do, look at how much we’ve lost already!” The more we had to fight, the more I got like “Stop, please, make it stop” - but in an immersive way. It was hard to play through. And imo JP dub Paimon sold the whole thing so well that she actually stressed me out, listening to her panic as I tried to investigate/fight - again in an immersive way. It was all really well-done, to the point that it hurt, emotionally. It was intense.

-MAVUIKA FOR THE WIN, SHE’S SO COOL. She’s so good, she’s such a good leader! And I love that her people are her friends, not her subordinates. I basically love the Natlan characters’ dynamics.

-THE FALSE SKY?!?!??!?! THE FALSE SKY?!??!?! AT A TIME LIKE THAT?? What was that, fragments of a moon maybe? And the red squares, reminiscent of the Sustainer???

-The God of Death??? The Night Lord that’s an Angel, and Seelies being devolved Angels??? THE LORE?!?!?! I am curious as to the dynamics between the Shades and Celestia, who has the upper hand so to speak.

-THE CAPTAIN AND MAVUIKA?!?! BEING SO CIVILIZED?? AND COOPERATING? I loved their conversations, they were so real, and I loved seeing the Natlanese working together with the Fatui for a common cause. I’m looking forward to finding out the deeper reason that the Captain wants to save Natlan. Also, this begs the question- if he ISN’T required to give the Gnosis to the Tsaritsa, if the Harbingers are supposed to put their own path before the Tsaritsa WITH the blessing of the Tsaritsa, how does the Tsaritsa select the Harbingers and what does she expect from them?

-So, based on what the Captain said, our sibling didn’t just happen to be there during the Cataclysm, they were part of the ruling class during the Cataclysm. (In my case) Lumine didn’t become the Abyss Order’s Princess, she was already a princess, during the Captain’s time. Also, wtf has Dain done that keeps him looking as he does?

-Citlali and Ororun were nothing like I expected. Xilonen is the coolest woman in Natlan. She’s so lazily kind. She has an air of “you’re inconveniencing me, but I’m so laid-back and good-hearted that I actually don’t mind.”

-Anemo characters can’t catch a break. They just can’t. I can’t believe they chose a sibling death OF AN ANEMO CHARACTER OH MY GOD! You’re not escaping the “has to have a dead friend/relative” reputation, Anemos, you just aren’t!

-Kinich, I love him so.

-Simulanka really told us “This is how Natlan will go.” Hindsight is 20/20. I wasn’t expecting two heroes with the same element though. 

-OKAY! Now let's save Mavuika somehow. Although I must say, the fact that we'll be separated from Paimon makes me anxious, idk. It scares me a little, I hope it's just a practical necessity.

[unopenablebox]

god this is long sorry. mention of various familial deaths previously mentioned on this blog cw or something

🌸 is now having an issue at work that's likely to cause them a great deal of stress/emotional distress for like a medium length period? im expecting that they'll be really busy and need emotional support/benefit a lot from having things reduced in friction e.g. me taking care of dishes and food more etc.

which is, you know, fine. except that well

as you know my grandfather died last week and i spent most of last week 1. in a state of paralyzing terror about my own work thing, now resolved 2. traveling on short notice so i could be emotional/logistical help for my dad whose father just died, which i did like. a moderately ok job at i would say. i was better than nothing

and also my mom has 1. had a lot of feelings about her recently dead father brought up by all this 2. also been having a lot of feelings about him because w the exception of coming back for the funeral she has been staying in my grandparents' house in another city so she can sort through and get rid of his belongings AND 3. my grandmother, who had to go and come back w her for the funeral which she found exhausting bc she's 92, is increasingly confused/obstinate and this causes my mom lots of stress and angst directly and also again about her dad being dead bc thats why my grandmother is coping worse.

and dealing with all of this in person was really tiring and also helping to organize/cook for/personally host Mourning Shabbat Dinner on one day's notice was exhausting, and also i guess i am also one of the people whose grandfather just died and other grandfather died like six months ago but i don't really think there's a ton of space for me to consider if i think that's relevant

and to be honest i was kind of looking forward to this week as one where i could take it easy a little mentally, like, my mom would still text me random distressing mementos of my grandfather's early life, but work should be pretty chill this week & my dad still has a lot of his family & friends around him so might not need me quite as much & i do have to try and manage my not-entirely-voluntary new trainee at work but nothing terrible happens to him if i fuck up it a little; & so i basically did nothing but get home and pass out last night because i figured it would help me feel better & i could spend more time w 🌸 later in the week and get back on track

but instead-- this. which is fine, right, i have slack, i can do the dishes and make some dinners and try to be distracting and helpful and reassuring. but it turns out that if 🌸 is having a hard time and i need to express feelings/want emotional support i talk to my mom. and my attempt to express the concept "well i'm a bit stressed out because i was hoping to be able to recover a bit this week and save my emotional reserves for supporting you and dad, and instead this happened, so now i feel really preemptively exhausted and anxious and a little sad that i am going into month two of it being impossible to have pleasant relaxed interactions with my partner" was so impossible for my mother to process right now at her current level of exhaustion/distress that she literally just fell silent and then changed the subject without ever directly acknowledging it, which is. not typical for her. so she's clearly not available for anything resembling me needing emotional support from her. which is again incredibly understandable.

but, you know, it turns out there are three people on earth i can call if i am having a hard time and they are all having a much more direct hard time and i am mainly having a hard time about how upset they are. so. instead i guess i will say nothing to anyone? and vaguely regret not forming more highly emotionally intimate personal friendships with people? i suppose technically there's two other people where it wouldn't be an insane overstep but one i haven't talked to in 6 months, one lives in australia now, and theyve both always been way more busy and stressed and hard-to-schedule than me and i don't think that will be changing ever

at least i have a blog i guess. writing this is probably good or something. i mean it is but i don't know if this is going to perform the same function, i don't mean to denigrate the benefits i get from having online friends, which are considerable

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 4/5

What am I feeling today?

I’m feeling alright, I was quite productive yesterday which was good! I’m a little anxious of what today will bring but I look forward to it anyways! Hope to be in the OR this morning but whichever unit I’m floated to is sure to be enjoyable🤗

Luke 19 NIV

(v. 8-10) “But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.” Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.””

Zacchaeus was a tax collector and some people were judging that Jesus would be eating with a sinner. But here we see that he was willing to give up his possessions and Jesus rewarded him. Also the last line is so crucial! Jesus came to seek and save the lost!!

(v. 35-40) “They brought it to Jesus, threw their cloaks on the colt and put Jesus on it. As he went along, people spread their cloaks on the road. When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen: “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!” “Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!” Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Teacher, rebuke your disciples!” “I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.””

I really like this last line. Because obviously that people of the crowd are praising him as we are His creation and meant to give praise. But Jesus is here saying that even if the people were quiet, the stones (and I interpret this as all of God’s creation) would cry out! I just think that’s powerful, that all things are meant to praise the Lord!

(v. 41-44) “As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it and said, “If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes. The days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment against you and encircle you and hem you in on every side. They will dash you to the ground, you and the children within your walls. They will not leave one stone on another, because you did not recognize the time of God’s coming to you.””

he wept :( I appreciate these moments because it humanizes Jesus. He was human, he had emotions, he cried, he did all things that we do as well and we’re so lucky to have the Lord know what it’s like to be us. He loved the perfect life and our aim should be to imitate him in every way.

(v. 47-48) “Every day he was teaching at the temple. But the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the leaders among the people were trying to kill him. Yet they could not find any way to do it, because all the people hung on his words.”

It’s just really intense when you think about it. They wanted to kill him. They were set on that. Every really early on and it’s quite disturbing really for them to pursue it so much to the point that they finally made it happen. And what a gruesome death it was :(

[nar-nia]

Café date and coffee art

word count: 2.5k

warnings: none

~~~

Sunghoon always looked forward to his morning coffee. It helped him wake up, gave him a few minutes to himself before training started, and despite popular opinion it actually tasted good for him. But since a few weeks ago there was another, new, reason. You.

You had started as a barista in the hybe café, and Sunghoon felt himself instantly drawn to you. Perhaps it was your friendly smile that you gave everyone you talked to, or how you instantly seemed to click, or maybe it was as simple as the latte art you always did for him. Well, not just for him - but he couldn't help but feel like you just put extra effort into the ones you made.

"Good morning!" You already greeted him with a wide grin, your finger hovering over the little computer where you saved your orders. "The same as usual?"

"Yes, please." Sunghoon, normally shy with new people, easily slipped into a grin too, his hand grabbing for his card to pay.

"So, tell me. How are you feeling today?"

"How are you?" Sunghoon looked at you, eyes open with curiosity, but you just shook your head.

"I asked first. So, tell me."

"Well," the boy started, leaning forward against the counter. "I didn't really get a lot of sleep tonight so I'm a bit tired. And we're learning a new choreo today which makes me a bit nervous."

He didn't really know why it was so easy to tell you those things. It just felt natural, especially since he figured out that you didn't ask those questions to have small talk, but to get an idea what new art to put on his coffee. Maybe that's what made it easier. But then again, Sunghoon couldn't help but think that you showed actual interest in the things he had to say, that you really listened and cared.

So he decided to be bold. He leaned forward again, looking up at you under his long lashes, and grinned. "So, tell me. How are you."

He noticed your eyes widening in surprise, the smile on your face widening slightly. "I'm good, actually. I watched a pretty interesting movie last night and I had a great breakfast this morning."

"What did you have?"

Was Sunghoon mistaken or was there a slight blush spreading on your face?

"I was trying a new recipe for chocolate croissants! And they turned out well if I can say so myself."

"You should share them with me." He was shocked by his own words, not really sure where they were coming from. Or how he got that boost of confidence.

"Oh." You looked like you thought the same, shortly freezing in your movements. "I can bring one for you if you want? Tomorrow?"

"I'd like that a lot." Now it was Sunghoons turn to blush, his confidence disappearing into thin air as his eyes focused on his hands. "Thank you."

If he had looked up he would have seen your smile growing bigger than before as you took in his figure, your stare lingering on his reddening cheeks. But he didn't, not until you signaled that his coffee was ready now.

He was ready to take it and leave, but suddenly he was filled with another spur of confidence and he turned back towards you. "So what did you make out of how I am? On my coffee?"

Your eyes lit up again as you bowed over the counter to look at his coffee, your finger pointing at the different things you made appear just seconds before. Sunghoon could have sworn it was magic.

"So you mentioned you didn't sleep well, right? So I made a little teddy bear. And it says 'fighting', so you can hopefully be a bit less anxious. Oh, and I gave the bear a tie because you wore one the other day!"

"That's so cute," Sunghoon mumbled, making sure to take in everything he heard and saw. "You always put so much effort into it."

"I'm trying my best." Your voice had gotten quiet, a blush creeping all over your face. "I'm glad you appreciate it."

"Do you have a lot of work?"

You looked at him, your hair whipping as you shook your head. "Not really, I think most groups are on tour right now? And the trainees don't seem to like coffee so much."

Sunghoon was hoping for that answer, but he still felt incredibly nervous when he heard it, his hands slightly starting to shake. "Uhm... would you like to have coffee with me then? Now?"

Your eyes widened slightly, and Sunghoon feared for a second that you would decline, but then he saw another smile spreading on your face. "I'll make myself a coffee then."

He nodded, his heart lifted with relief as he grabbed his coffee. "I'll wait."

"Oh no, you should sit down and drink already. I don't want it to get cold."

That made sense. Sunghoon nodded again, looking around the room to find an empty seat - which right now was every seat in the room. He settled on the one closest to your work area in case you had to go back there quickly, his eyes resting on your focused form as you put together another coffee for yourself. But he didn't expect you to turn around so quickly, catching him looking at you. His head dropped down, an unsuccessful attempt at hiding his previous actions as you walked up to him with a grin.

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting for too long."

"You didn't-" Sunghoon started, but then his glance fell onto your coffee. "You didn't make art for yourself?"

"Oh." You shrugged, also looking down onto your bland coffee. "I don't know, I never find inspiration to draw something for myself."

"Can I try it?"

"Your coffee will get cold."

Something about you told Sunghoon that you didn't really mind. That you would like it if you could show something to him. So he just simply shook his head, smiling at you. "I like my coffee cold too."

"Okay!" Both of you jumped up, Sunghoon excitedly following you to the coffee bar. "Is there anything you'd like to learn?"

"Something easy please," he laughed, scanning all the equipment you were surrounded with daily. He was already impressed.

"A heart maybe?" you blurted out, cheeks almost immediately tinted in a new shade of red. Sunghoon couldn't help but think how cute you looked with it, his own cheeks blushing too. "Just because- I mean-"

"A heart sounds good."

You sighed in relief, busying yourself with getting all the materials you needed and foaming up some milk. Sunghoon couldn't resist looking at you again, following your every movement in awe.

"Sunghoon?" He flinched, his head jerking up to look at your face. "What were you thinking about?"

"I'm just really impressed by all of this. You make it seem so easy."

"It's easier than it seems," you mumbled, cheeks darkening with every new word of him. "Once you know the drill you can do almost everything."

Sunghoon wasn't sure if he'd ever get the drill, because to be completely honest, he wasn't really focusing on what you were trying to teach him right now. He didn't know himself what was happening right now, but he was completely mesmerized by you. The way you kept pushing your hair behind your ear, suddenly wishing it was him that could do so. Mesmerized by the way your hands moved when you tried to show him how to perfect this little heart on your coffee, by the way your eyebrows scrunched up in concentration. The way the corner of your lips were curved upwards…

He slightly shook his head, trying to focus on what was happening right now. You were doing this effort because of him, the least he could do was paying attention. But how if there were constantly new small things he noticed on you that kept him captivated, kept his thoughts far away from coffee-

"Would you like to try it now?"

Sunghoon flinched, his thoughts catapulted back into reality when he noticed you looking at him. "Sure... I'll try!" More like he struggled. He managed to get a circle, yes, but it just wouldn't turn into a heart. He felt your shoulders shaking next to him, one look at you confirming that you were desperately trying to conceal your giggles. "I give up."

"Nooo," you managed to say in between laughing fits. "I'll teach you, come on."

"Please do." Sunghoon pouted, pushing the cup closer towards you.

You smiled, nudging his shoulder with yours before you went back to the coffee machine. "We need another coffee first. Will you pay for it?"

"Sure."

You turned around to look at him, eyes wide open. "What?"

How were you so cute? Sunghoon didn't know. But it felt more and more like his heart was bursting with every interaction. Why didn't he have the courage to talk this intensely with you before? He suddenly remembered that he still owed you an answer, shrugging as he looked at you. "I'm kinda rich, I think I can afford another coffee."

"Right." Your face was deeply red by now, and judging by how quickly you focused on the coffee again you seemed to feel embarrassed too. So Sunghoon decided to stay quiet for now, watching you as you did your work.

"Okay! Start just as you did earlier," you finally said after a while, handing him the little can with milk. Sunghoon followed your order, focusing on his task when he suddenly felt your hand on his. "I'll guide you."

You almost whispered, but Sunghoon held his breath too. His eyes were more on your hand than on the little heart that appeared in the coffee now.

"Just like this." You looked at him, taken aback to see him already looking at you. "Uhm- you did great."

Sunghoon wanted to kiss you. Your face was right in front of his, eyes looking right into his, and all he wanted right now was to kiss you. But he held himself back, not wanting to overwhelm you or bring you in an uncomfortable situation. Oh, but he wanted to kiss you so bad.

"Thank you," he whispered instead, slowly prying his eyes off you to look at his coffee. You were right, it was displaying a little heart. How cute. "So what does the heart stand for?"

You chuckled softly, your hand still placed over his. "See how it gets bigger? That's my heart after you- someone showed interest in my work."

"You have a very pretty heart," Sunghoon mumbled.

"Thank you."

If Sunghoon could have read your mind he would have heard it screaming, realizing you wanted to kiss him just as bad as he did right now. But he couldn't read minds. And so the air was filled with tension as four pairs of eyes looked at each other, not daring to look away. At least not until the coffee machine started whistling, smoke coming up from one of the pipes. You murmured a curse, rushing towards the machine to turn it off before you looked at Sunghoon again.

"I'm sorry… that was supposed to foam milk but since it didn't get any milk… yeah."

Sunghoon just nodded, his eyes wandering to the cup of coffee with the little heart on it. "Want to have that coffee with me now?"

Your frown was quickly replaced with a smile again as you both made your way back to the table. The air was filled with comfortable silence this time, you two busy with enjoying your drinks and each other's company.

"In my culture we always look at the remains of the coffee once we're done with it," you spoke up after a while. "We believe it tells you something about yourself."

"Oh really?" Sunghoon perked up. "We should try that with our coffees."

There was another smile spreading on your lips, one you tried to hide with taking another sip. "I'd love that."

"Me too." And it wasn't a lie, Sunghoon was really open to try it. He finished his coffee, eyes squinting to see anything inside it. But for him it was just a weirdly shaped circle. "What does yours say?"

"What do you think it looks like?" You pushed your cup towards him, waiting for his reaction while Sunghoon studied your cup.

"Hmm.. maybe a flower? Multiple flowers?"

Your eyes lit up, your face suddenly filled with excitement. "I thought so too! Perfect."

He couldn't suppress a laugh, looking at you while he rested his head on top of his hand. "So it means something good?"

You nodded, mimicking his actions to look at him. "A flower bouquet stands for good luck and success in your friendships and-" you stopped for a second- "love."

Sunghoons heart was speeding up again, almost close to bursting. Good luck in love? "That sounds really good."

Your face had turned all red again, your eyes staring right at your cup. "Thank you."

"Can you help me read mine?"

It took you a second to nod, eyes prying away from your own cup to look at Sunghoons. You could have taken the cup, but instead you were scooting closer, your shoulders and legs now touching. You seemed to hesitate for a second again, but as Sunghoon didn't show any intention of moving away your body was relaxing.

"It's a heart! That means good things are coming to you."

"Oh." Now it was Sunghoons turn to blush - and to gather all his courage. "Can that be interpreted for something in the past too?"

"That something good happened? Why, is there anything you're thinking about?"

Now was the time. Sunghoon took a deep breath before he moved towards you, looking in your eyes. Your legs were touching even more now. "Talking to you."

"Why's that?" The air was filled with tension again, you sounded like you held your breath when you asked that question.

"You're really nice," Sunghoon answered, still trying to gather all of his courage. "And I'd love to actually take you out for coffee if you'd let me."

Your eyes widened, just like the smile on your face. "Are you serious? I'd love that a lot."

"I am. I'd love to go to a date with you."

You nodded, and Sunghoons heart started beating faster. And he was so incredibly relieved that you seemed to feel the same way. So he gathered his courage one last time, taking one of your hands in his before he looked you in the eyes again.

"Can I kiss you?"

You nodded again, and so Sunghoon came closer, uniting your lips in a soft and gentle kiss. And Sunghoons heart was exploding.

~~~

happy birthday mash 🩷

permanent taglist: @maeum-your @sunoona @hoonsmarsbar @soobin-chois @sjyuniverse @taekbokki

[aeoki]

Sandstorm - Epilogue 4

Location: Chuugoku Region Qualifiers Stage Characters: Hinata & Kaoru

Kaoru: But, Hinata-kun, you were quick-witted and stopped Yuuta-kun just as he was about to cross onto a dangerous bridge.

You did that by sneakily placing the “Desert Coin” into my pocket.

In reality, Yuuta-kun didn’t order you to do that, right?

He only told you to steal the “Desert Coin” in my pocket, didn’t he?

But despite that, you wanted to save us on the brink of being destroyed and also didn’t want to betray Yuuta-kun. So you decided on your own to place a “Desert Coin” in my pocket.

Hinata: What makes you think that?

Kaoru: Just my hunch. We ended up spending around two weeks together due to the course of events, after all. I think I’ve learnt what kind of person you are after all that time.

It might have been an unconscious habit, but you’re always trying to convey what you’re thinking and doing to the people around you. That’s why I think anyone would have noticed, even if it wasn’t me.

You were lost, scared and anxious. You’re always saying ridiculous things with a smile on your face, but you seemed like you were asking for help.

You were afraid that Yuuta-kun was changing, right?

He’s supposed to be an important family member who’s on the same page as you, but you started being unable to understand him…

Hinata: You sure act like you know everything, senpai~

Kaoru: I just thought maybe that’s how my family must have felt.

I was a serious model student, but then I stopped listening to the things they said. On top of that, I even started saying I wanted to be an idol.

Maybe they thought I was similar to a monster that they couldn’t understand.

It’s scary not being able to understand, isn’t it? I still think so now and I regret not making the effort to talk to them earlier.

But it’s also scary not being understood, right? It scares you to be feared and you can’t help but put distance between the both of you.

But the more you distance yourself from them, the more confusing it all becomes.

I hope you can grab hold of Yuuta-kun without giving up. Just like how my family did for me.

I was saved thanks to them. Right now, I can live every day pretty happily.

Of course, it wasn’t all thanks to my family. It was also the help of my friends and the numerous people who watch me and love who I am.

I realised that, in the end, the people you can rely on the most are your family.

Sure, there are a lot of bad parents out there in the world, so this is just the flowery opinion of someone who’s blessed in that aspect, though.

But even so, you two are precious to me, so I’d like to do everything I can do to make you two smile.

Hinata: You sure are nice, Hakaze-senpai~ We even betrayed you and almost destroyed you guys.

Kaoru: Being able to forgive no matter what cruel things were done to you is still love, isn’t it? You know what? It might sound like I’m joking, but I really love everyone around me right now.

I want to tell the people I love that I love them as much as I can before I lose that chance. That’s the reason why I’m an idol right now.

Hinata: Hmm. If that’s what you’re saying, then you should just hurry up and confess to Anzu-san~

Kaoru: T-That’s a different story!

Hinata: Well, love and romantic love is different, huh~

Kaoru: It’s not romantic love either, okay!?

Hinata: Then, what kind of… You know what, nevermind.

Understood. It’s an idol’s job to grant someone’s wish and I’ll work hard to reach the future you want me to reach, Hakaze-senpai.

Kaoru: Right. Good boy, now that’s a perfect answer ♪

Let me give a reward to Hinata-kun who’s been a good boy.

Hinata: ? What’s this? A “Desert Coin”?

This is basically useless, right? It’s not much for a present.

Kaoru: Rather than a gift, it’s more like I’m returning it to you. I hope this makes it even between us since I’ve borrowed it from you.

And we’ve now established a relationship of equal standing so we’re even. I look forward to working with you again.

There are a lot of weird people around us and we’re both suffering, but will you join me in working hard to love and be happy with those odd people?

Just like how we worked together to overcome the desert?

Hinata: Hmm… In the end, humans die though.

But you’d want to spend the time leading up to that in happiness with a smile on your face, huh.

My feelings… my wish is the same. That’s why I’ll do my best to make that happen – just like you, senpai.

I’ll overcome any storm that comes my way to reach a happy future.

“♪~♪~♪”

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ← Previous Chapter

[marikos-diary]

I just got back from going for a little drive (aka having a smoke). It was okay. I was kind of anxious because I didn’t bring my wallet!!! So I didn’t have my license. But I had only planned on sitting in my car with the window cracked and smoking like that. But when I got out there there was a guy in the car next to mine and I got so anxious about being seen that I pulled my hood up and just went on autopilot. Next thing I knew I was buckled in and turning down the driveway onto the complex main road. So I drove around and explored the community and it was okay. I would have preferred to just sit in my car but there was someone there. Monday seriously can’t come soon enough for me to get that ash tray and deodorizer stuff.

I had opened the windows before I left and was enjoying the fresh air. I closed them when I left to go smoke, and I was far too anxious to reopen them when I got back home so I just turned on the AC instead. Now it is starting to get pleasantly chilly in here. I also have all the blinds closed so that no one can see me which is helping with my anxiety.

I don’t know what to do about sodas tonight. I have two in the fridge that I was going to save but they are like my sole comfort so I might have them today. Maybe I’ll DoorDash four of them from McDonald’s. I don’t feel up for interacting with people. It makes me panic and want to cry.

I took my last three ativan because I was starting to freak the fuck out and get super upset and I kept having urges to bang my head against the cabinets and that didn’t sound like a good idea. So I took all three and now I am out of ativan until the end of the month. But I have the new non addictive as needed one in its stead so that should help at least a little. I don’t know. I went for the ativan this time because I needed results, and I have yet to have real results from the hydroxyzine. I’ve taken it at max strength a few times now and it doesn’t feel like it does anything. But it’s all I’ve got so I’ll keep taking it.

I wish I had someone to talk to. Mom got a flu and Covid booster shots today so she is resting and can’t talk and hates texting anyway. I’m too scared to open discord, and only like one person ever talks to me there so it doesn’t really do anything anyway.

I am getting suicidal again. It’s a problem. I am not going to tell anyone because I don’t want them to send me to the hospital. I’ll just cope through it myself. I just have to hang in there until mid November when my dbt group starts. I’ll try my best. I don’t have much to look forward to right now so it is hard. I want to do it. I really do because I am miserable. I don’t know. I stick around for my cats because I love them. But one day that won’t be enough, I think. I never thought I’d say that but I truly think that a day will come where I will be so miserable that not even that will save me. I would leave out lots and lots of food and water. And then I would lay down and do it. I want to in this moment. I am miserable. I can’t do anything. I can’t go to school I can’t leave the house I can’t attend my appointments because there is always a stupid video and I hate being seen and perceived. It makes me want to throw up.

I want to do something upbeat and relaxing and fun to uplift my mood like I am supposed to, but I am too anxious to do anything other than sit on the couch and write in my diary. I can’t watch tv because the building is too dangerous for me to be distracted. I can’t read a book because the building is too dangerous for me to be distracted. I can’t play a game because the building is too dangerous for me to be distracted. All I can do is sit here on my phone or my iPad and be vigilant. It is awful. It is miserable. I hate it. I hate it so much.

I can’t do anything. I am so unwell. I don’t know. I just want to feel better and I know one way to feel better really quickly but it would make other people sad.

I think I am going to have those two sodas I mentioned earlier. Small comforts. Small comforts. Anything to get through the day. I still haven’t made my bed. I still haven’t cleaned the litter boxes. Although I did clean up one of Callie’s accidents so I guess that counts for something.

I wish I could be soothed and take a bubble bath. Maybe I’ll shuck down to my t shirt and underwear and get in the tub like that. I bought children’s bubble bath that also cleanses. But, oh, I can’t. I got excited for a second, but that would still leave me in a vulnerable position in case of an intruder. So scratch that. Ugh.

It is so chilly in here and it is really nice. It is 68 I think. I am in a hoodie and sweatpants and I am chilled. Maybe I will put my wool socks on. That sounds really nice. Maybe I will look at apartments and condos and mobile homes to pass the time. I’m not really up for reading the news today. It just feels too loud.

I don’t know where the cats went. I had a meltdown mid writing this and screamed really loud and they both ran to hide. I am not a good person because I scare my cats and therefore it is okay if I die. Then they wouldn’t be scared of me anymore.

I don’t know. The timing is right. The situation is right. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I might. I truly might. I don’t know. I want to so badly. I want to be done. Those fucking children ruined everything for me and I hate them. I had a good thing going. I was stable. And now I’m not. I hate them so much. And the worst part is that I can’t talk about this feeling in therapy because then I’ll have to go to the hospital and be away from my cats and I’ll be so scared and anxious and throwing up all the time. Also I was sexually assaulted in an inpatient hospital and refuse to go back. So I can’t talk about being suicidal in therapy. Because then I will be forced to go to the hospital and I will just get worse and worse and worse.

So I guess I am done taking medicine for the day because I don’t think I can trust myself to not take it all. Another day no AP. At least I got my SSRI and buspar half dose. It usually isn’t so scary for me. Maybe tomorrow will b better. Maybe I’ll go hav another smoke. No. It’s too bright outside. I could smoke in the office and use my soda cup as an ash tray I guess and just open the window. Or I could put on my giant fuck off headphones and go sit in the car. I am scared to go that far away though. But I could really use a cigarette. Ugh. Monday can’t come soon enough.

I am going to try and go to my car to smoke. Hang on.

————-

Il back. I put on my fuck off headphones and put up my hood and power walked to the car. I thought the coast was clear, since I didn’t see anyone, so I lit up. Then the car next to mine that had super tinted windows turned on and I got a massive spike of anxiety. I wasn’t wearing my glasses so I for real couldn’t drive or escape so I just kind of… said fuck it and had my smoke. They sat there for a little bit (taking photos of my and my license plate to report maybe?) and then they left. So I finished my smoke in peace.

I am back inside now. I still have my hood up and my headphones on because it feels safer that way. No music or anything. I did have sunglasses in my car that I could have put on but they aren’t prescription. It would only be for anonymity. I didn’t think of that at the time.

I guess I should get a car ash tray too instead of littering on the roads and parking lots. My first car was from 96 and it had an ashtray and a lighter built right into the dash. Totally a different time. I miss that. I hate my current car. There is always something wrong with it. I am overdue for an oil change but I am very afraid to go so it is just going to have to keep waiting until I feel better. That’s what got my last car. I was doing exceedingly poorly and stopped taking care of it and ignored the oil change warnings. I was too depressed and anxious. So eventually it just kicked the bucket. I think that took maybe a year. Maybe less. I don’t know. The timing is all a blur.

I do feel a little calmer after my smoke though so I am glad I went. I wish I could use my main blog as my diary but my pretend bff reads it. So I don’t feel safe posting there anymore. So, here we are.

Thé AC is still set at 68 and I think it is on because the blinds are moving back and forth. And my feet feel kind of chilly. I’m not going to turn it off. I don’t care if it wastes energy today. I am too afraid to open the windows. The only window I would open would be the smoking window. But it’s not Monday yet so my things haven’t arrived. I hope they arrive in the earlier part of the day. If not I will pick them up that evening. Amazon can’t find my building so I have to have my packages delivered by o my moms house which I really hate but I don’t have any other option.

Still rocking hood and headphones. I should clean the litter boxes. Or at least just one of them. I think I could do just one of them. I don’t know how many days it has been since they were cleaned. I know Callie is just straight up refusing to use them now days. I think it’s behavioral but who knows. She has a vet appointment scheduled for the 21st.

Annnnnd the suicidal thoughts are back. And I have no one to talk to about them. I am too afraid of hospitals to go to the hospital (and that would require leaving the house which I just refuse to do) I can’t do the day hospital even though I really liked it last time because, again, it would require me to leave the house. Which would mean someone wasn’t here to guard against intruders. So that’s not an option. My supposed bff doesn’t respond when I text so I am not going to bother even trying. My mom (the only other person i text) isn’t feeling well and also would flip out and send me to the hospital so I can’t tell her. And I’m not close enough to anyone else to tell them things like that. And I am not telling my therapist because I don’t want to go to the hospital. Same reason I won’t tell my psychiatrist. I don’t want to go to the hospital. They don’t help me. They just make me worse. They are a massive trigger.

I used to have a lot of friends and people I could talk to. But then they started bullying me. I said fuck that and dropped them. And then I had dance friends so I at least could pretend we were close and then Covid happened and I am still too uncomfortable being that close to people so I haven’t gone back yet. And I don’t have any university friends. I am too old for them.

I don’t have any online friends. I don’t have university friends. I have two old work friends that I sometimes see but would never text. I am very isolated. I don’t know how to trust people anymore anyway. After all of the abusive relationships, after all of the bullying, after all of the betrayal and abandonment, I just don’t want to anymore. I don’t trust people and I don’t want to.

I would like to order sodas. But that means either they buzz my buzzer or I have to go to the door to meet them. And both things feel very difficult right now.

I wish Kayla was alive. She would be there for me. She was always there for me. I don’t know. Maybe it’s not worth trying anymore. Maybe I should just do it. I don’t know. I am torn. I don’t want to upset the cats. I love them so much. I just don’t see a future. I don’t see myself getting a degree. I just can’t picture a future for myself. I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know.

[taka-again]

Hey one person at most that might read this, I have what I think is an unsolvable puzzle for you:

I'm german but the german part of me is dead. Has been for a long time. For reasons of PTSD or anxiety or I don't know what, I feel so horrendously uncomfortable in any german social interaction that I would not even enjoy having friends. But that's okay, I've long since accepted that and I've rebuilt myself in english. Bilingual people often have some personality differences between their languages and I've just taken that concept and run with it to the point of being like sort of able to enjoy life.

So instead I have online friends. And for short amounts of time and large amounts of money I've even been able to meet many of them on trips I've splurged my savings on recently. I love them just as much in real life and it has shown me how devastatingly lonely and pointless my life back here in germany is.

So clearly I have to get out, right? Move to an english speaking country, in with or at least in proximity of one of my friends, and finally start living for the first time. It works out doubly well because with transitioning to a new name and gender AND fleeing the country, it's the perfect way to disappear and cut out my abusive family forever (they don't know about any of this). And if that's not possible until I have an updated passport and such, I should fill the time in between with a few more of the visits I've been doing, to prepare for my life there and spend as little time suffering as possible.

Well, I asked. They don't want to. None of them. Either because they're not in a stage of their lives where they're looking for room mates or because we're simply not as close as I imagine us to be. I'm aware of course that I need them more than they need me. How couldn't I? They have families and irl friends and function well enough for school or jobs. They have lives. I can't offer them anything but love, and even that they could get easier elsewhere.

I'm not mad at them at all, they're not responsible for me, you can't force someone to love you, and between me sometimes losing speech, having mental breakdowns or simply being anxious in a foreign country, they probably realise that beneath just splitting the rent, there is also some kind of implied request that I'm asking to be mommy'd through recovery. That is too much to ask of a random gaming friend.

But I am left feeling lonely and devastated. The notion of simply moving to an english speaking country all on my own and having to find a way to survive alone just the same as here is so daunting (and doesn't fix the loneliness) that looking forward to it doesn't get me through the months of suffering still left in germany.

So the puzzle is what am I supposed to do NOW? I'm not talking about my eventual living situation I mean how am I supposed to make it through the extreme depressive episode that was brought on by all this? When every single thing outside is german and that won't change for more than half a year. When my usual escape to the internet feels ruined and my friends feel awkward around me for having had to turn me down. When I just had so much hope and a specific idea of how life could be bearable some day but it's so far away and time doesn't pass when depression makes me incapable of enjoying anything anymore.

I've tried everything. I've picked up a job that accommodates my autistic/adhd needs better than any before, but when you're so depressed you can hardly stand up, any job is crushingly difficult. I've tried picking up new games and shows but I just don't enjoy anything anymore. I've tried antidepressants, I've been in therapy all my life. Nothing helps. I think a big reason I'm on HRT is just because it has been such a miracle cure for the mental health of my trans friends and I just wish it was that simple for me. Why do everyone's problems seem solvable except mine? I'm 27 now and things have still never gotten better, some only got worse. What else do people do to cope? I don't see the appeal in self harm but I'm considering it. I don't know how to get drugs but I kinda don't want them anyway cause I constantly have to drive back and forth between home and an airbnb cause I cant sleep at home due to repairs. I'm also expecting to get yelled at by the janitor any day now because he'll see how dirty my place is and give me a massive list of things to do that I can't do. I attempted suicide twice last week and I have no better plan than to keep trying that.

For tl;dr read the first 1-2 sentences of each paragraph

[beelzlikes]

Gods I still can't get past it. This is why I can't have relationships with other people, platonically or romantically or otherwise. Cause we have to look at the FACTS of what actually happened:

I was at work in my office building, finishing up my work. This person knocks on the door and sticks their head in. They're wearing mostly all black, looking pretty casual, they set their backpack on the ground and introduce themselves by asking if I work here.

I say yes, and they proceed to recruit me into a union because of course I'm going to support unions. They give me their card and I immediately notice the they/them pronouns, and I can feel myself actually start to blush. Here is someone who is very cute, and I don't have to immediately write them off as being straight like I would with most male presenting people.

They give me their card, I sign a union pledge with my phone number on it, we both leave the office.

A few days later I get a text from this person asking if I'd agree to a tele-survey. I agree, and we schedule to talk in a day or two. In the meantime, some OTHER guy from the union SHOWS UP AT MY HOUSE asking me to sign another union card. I tell him I already filled one out with so-and-so, and they look surprised, so I fill out a second card just in case. (How the fuck did you know my ADDRESS if you didn't already have my info on file somewhere? Like what?? Whatever.)

Phone call with Cheshire, they ask me several questions about unions and supporting unions. Innocuous conversation that I sweat bullets through and talk a mile a minute because I can't control my emotions. At the end, they tell me of an event happening in the city and I agree to go.

I go to the event on the day, it's crowded, I sign my name on the pledge and leave, anxious that this person might be there and see me and want to talk to me so I I'm not even at the event 5 minutes before I'm out of there.

Weeks of silence from both of us. Why would I contact them? I have no reason to.

THEY have a reason to: their job, so they text me last week asking if they could add my name to a letter being written to the board. I agree. I wait a day, watch a dumb bl movie that kindles some semblance of feeling in my heart and at NINE O CLOCK AT NIGHT!!!(Why?! Why?! Why did I do that?) I text this person asking if there are any up coming events for the union I might be able to attend.

They tell me there is one in a week on the 19th and ask if I could make it. I ask them if they are going to be there. They say yes. I respond: "Then I wouldn't miss it!"

Like a dope. Like a dingus. Like a fucking moron. Way too forward, way too explicit. My intentions are bald-faced and staring you right in the eye, I could barely have made it any clearer that the only reason I wanted to come was to see them. It SMACKS of desperation. REEKS of lechery.

They reply kindly with: "Right on, I'll let you know where"

Silence then. For days. Time enough for me to come to my senses. Here's the facts: they only approached me in the capacity of their job, they only ever contacted me out of obligation to do their JOB, and any platitudes or niceties on display are the same they would have given any other CLIENT as an employee should. And some stranger sliding into their DMs is the last thing anyone on the job wants to deal with.

I made this person up. This person is real, yes, but they are not the same person I have built in my head. I don't know the reality of that person, all I am operating on is my own imagination. And I've deceived myself that way before, and I won't do it again.

So yesterday I texted them. Told them I'm recanting my previous statement. I like and tell them something's come up and I can't make it to the event.

They ask if I want them to keep me updated on future events. I say no. They don't respond. I delete the text thread and their number along with it so now it's impossible for me to contact them again. And once again, I get to be the savior. I saved that imaginary person from having to deal with me in any capacity. And I saved myself the inevitable pain of when it all comes crashing down around me.

So you see? It was a mistake to contact them in the first place. Had I not texted them asking for future events, they probably would NEVER have texted me again. I was a name on their list they checked off, and now needed to move on to the next person to recruit to the union. How dare I? How DARE I even THINK about them when for all I know they don't fucking care?

I'm disgusting. I want everyone to just leave me alone! If I'm alone, if there's no one to distract me, the I don't have to feel anything. Anything at all. I don't want to feel anymore, I want to be numb, I want to be a lifeless robot you wind up and throw out when your satiated with it.

[yandere-sins]

Past and Future

Horrortober Day 2: Decision  |  “It’s your decision. Choose wisely.”

Day 2 woop! Got a chance to work on my Kazuha a bit more. I hope to write for him more in the future!

Warnings: Yandere, Manipulation, Possessiveness, Stalking Mention Characters: Kadehara Kazuha x Reader

Kazuha couldn’t not notice the yearning in your gaze as you looked across the plaza at your old friends. These scumbags. Wannabe goody-two-shoes. Oh, how much he despised them. And yet, you longed for their laughter in your ears, the wrinkles in their eyes as they grinned and smiled at each other cheerfully. They were celebrating something Kazuha didn’t know about. But undoubtedly, you remembered after having been close to them since early childhood. 

And yet, you didn’t belong to their circle anymore. You hadn’t been invited to wine and laughter, food and celebration. Instead, you absentmindedly squeezed his hand tighter, and Kazuha took that as a sign. “Come on,” he mumbled, watching how sadness overcame you with every passing second. Frustration and anger, but mostly disappointment, snaked their way into your expression. You had been so excited for today, going out with him, exploring Liyue Harbor with your boyfriend, but the mood was ruined now. 

When you didn’t react, Kazuha used his free arm to lay it around you, pushing you forward despite your feet being unwilling to move. Part of you wanted to go to your friends, to join them in their festivity. But without being invited, you were way too hesitant to approach, and it hurt you even more. Your head hung low as you two finally disappeared in the crowd of people working and shopping, the night market making for a great scene. Still, you couldn’t take it in anymore after remembering your past heartbreak now.

Kazuha wasn’t the type to leave you alone, never wishing to be separated from the warmth and comfort you gave him by being by his side, but in your depressed state, it was hard to do anything with you. Placing you on a bench, Kazuha left to get you something to drink. His mind was wrecking itself of how to help you as he bought your favorite, seasonal beverage, still hot and steaming in its cup, and brought it back to you. 

Unfortunately, no one heard the clattering sound as he dropped it, watching you talk with some of your old friends. When did they come over to talk? Why were they here? How did they notice you? Why now of all times? This was his evening. His time with you. And yet, you hadn’t been as happy with him all night as you were when you talked to them. Kazuha’s expression changed from worried to upset as he had to watch you laugh with them, even though the mood seemed awkward from afar. Maybe they were apologizing, or perhaps just trying to replicate the good old times with you, but you seemed very receptive to their presence, smiling in a way that you never did when you were with Kazuha. 

It had taken a lot to break you guys apart. Not willingly, but they weren’t a good influence for you. He had never done anything to them, but one day they had decided they didn’t like the way he looked at you. That Kazuha was too ‘possessive’ and that the ‘took up all your time’. They told you to stay away from the outsider, to ignore the soft, wonderful feelings you two had for each other—the strong bond you were forming with your boyfriend. Your friends decided he wasn’t good for you but were they really your friends when they made you choose between them and your love? Gods, he hated what they did to you. Hated how miserable they could make you. You had been so nervous and anxious after they started harassing you to leave him, crying at night and into his shoulder when you didn’t know what to do. The first time you said you loved him was while you were assuring him that you still had feelings for him; that being the reason why it was so hard on you to be forced to make this decision. It wasn’t a romantic moment, but one filled with tears. Kazuha would never forgive them for robbing him of his amazing confession from your lips.

However, in the end? You chose him—naturally. You chose him for this very reason. Because you love him. Kazuha never made you decide. Sure, he didn’t like your friends, but he didn’t go out of his way to engage with them. He only ever had eyes for you, following you whenever you met with your so-called friends and making sure you’d be safe from them. However, he was better than them, and even if they made you cry on your way home, he never once went back to hurt them just as much as they hurt you, even if his blood was boiling. Kazuha would rather spend his time comforting you, asserting his place in your heart, than stick to the ones who were desperately trying to tear him out of said place. 

But maybe he should have.

Maybe he should have demanded that you decide on one side. After all, you were already distancing yourself from these people that kept hurting you in the name of ‘only wanting the best for you’. He was the best for you. There was nothing that could be better for you than Kazuha. He was strong; he was safe for you. No one else tended to you as gently and lovingly as he did. Comforted you when you were down. You had to wear the burden of everyone around you, but Kazuha only committed to you and your worries. He was the saving grace and the helping hand you needed in your desperation. The person your friends should have been if you had actually mattered to them. 

In return, you were the same for him. You gave his life a meaning that he had long searched for. A new friend and a love to wake his lonely heart again. No one could ever stir him like you did, and he was thankful. Thankful for the opportunity to be by your side, to warm you on cold nights, and to tell you about the past he never shared with anyone else. You were the listener he wanted; gave him the attention he needed. And Kazuha...

Kazuha wouldn’t lose you now. He couldn’t lose someone again. Not you.

Marching up to you and your friends gathering around, he listened to the meaningless conversation you had. “We’re sorry for saying such harsh things,” and “We were worried about you.” Loads of empty words, in his opinion. But seeing your eyes tear up at them made his heart sting and his blood boil all over again. It made him furious. Furious for you. You deserved so much better than these lies. They didn’t care about you!

Pushing through them without roughly, Kazuha only looked at you, finding your eyes instantly. You were surprised by his appearance but quickly wiped the tears from your eyes and returning to the silly, little smile you usually graced him with. One that was as empty as your friend’s words. One you adapted just to please him and not worry him further, but once he’d put an end to this, Kazuha knew you’d be able to smile at him properly again with a sincere one. 

“Choose,” he prompted, and you raised an eyebrow in confusion while your friends began to grow tense and murmur between themselves. 

“These people-” he made a vague gesture between the few gathered around, “-aren’t good for you, and you know it. They dropped you when you needed them the most while I’ve been with you all this time.”

“You can’t be serious,” you breathed, but Kazuha didn’t confirm your wish. He was serious, even if that meant upsetting you. This was for the best. “It’s your decision. Them or me. Choose wisely.”

“That’s unfair!” one of your friends cried out, upset about his intention, and Kazuha looked at them sharply from the corner of his eye, silencing them effectively. “It’s not unfair,” he shut their argument down, looking only at you as he spoke. “They made you choose first and broke your heart. I never have and never will hurt you. But I am not so sure about the people who already did it once.”

Kazuha’s words had impact; he could see it in your eyes. You, too, remembered the bad times that felt like your heart was ripped into pieces by the people you put so much trust in. And instead, it had been him who was there, making sure you ate and drank in your troubled times, and got rest when you needed it. Even if there was no luxury in his life, he still had been a better friend than any of them. Kazuha completely missed that he suggested dropping you the same way your friends had when he made you choose. He didn’t want to believe you would choose anyone over him after all he did for you. You belonged to him, and he belonged to you. That’s how love worked. 

“I love you.” 

A dirty trick. One that your friends couldn’t use. Kazuha directly pulled at your heartstrings, making you miss a breath as you grew even more blindsided. “I don’t want to lose you, again,” he didn’t hesitate to add, noticing how your friends’ faces grew worried and upset at his words. He was hinting at the bad time you two had gone through. The one that made a part of you die. But you only looked down, hands balling into fists as you felt conflicted. There was no need for you to wreck your pretty head over these nobodies, Kazuha decided, holding out his hand. You only needed him—as much as he needed you. 

Timidly, you reached for his hand, and he gripped yours tightly, pulling you up from your seat and after him, away from these fake friends and their fake worry without another word to them. “It’s better like this,” he assured you, dragging you through the crowd so you wouldn’t be able to look back at your past. He was before you, your future, and he wouldn’t let anyone take you from him and ruin this for you. 

But when you were unresponsive, he threw a glance back over his shoulder, noticing the tears streaming down your eyes. You two came to a stop as he turned around, cupping your face and pulling you into a kiss. Even though your hands came to rest against his chest, pushing, you never managed to escape his grip, forced to kiss him until neither of you could hold your breath anymore. Leaning his forehead against yours, you were left speechless, but not Kazuha.

“I love you. I love you so much. Promise me you’ll never go back to them.” It was hard to commit to that, but his hands grew tighter around your face, desperate to hear it. “You chose me,” he insisted, pain swinging in his voice. “You’re not leaving me.”

There was no way of saying where those emotions came from, but he didn’t give you time to think them over. This was the future he chose, by your side. And that night, you chose it too, even if you ended up not liking it once you found out that your friends had been right all along.

[sukirichi]

Imagine Naoya coming home a little bruised and is staggering. Forgetting etiquette and manners, you run towards him and helps him then POOF, Naoya turns into a child.

Getting Shoko to check him up and cue to Gojo laughing his ass off at Naoya's state to which you were a little irritated—no, you were ready to break Gojo's legs if it weren't for his infinity.

Maybe an hour later or the next day, little Naoya wakes up. To your surprise, he's so cute and innocent, staring at you with wide eyes, looking so lost.

crying. yes my heart is soft, i am in love. thank you so much for this, i really loved writing it and writing naoya always comforts me. thank you for making my day 💕

# soft naoya hours

# part of the trophy wife collection 

Three hours. That’s how much time has passed since Naoya promised he’d come home. It had been three dreadful hours, and your husband still wasn’t home.

The servants have grown weary of watching you pace back and forth, your perfectly manicured nails chipped down from nibbling on it too much. He’ll be fine, they reassured, it’s Naoya-sama, he’ll come home safely. It’s not that you didn’t trust in his abilities – hell, you experienced his skills in speed and strength firsthand way too many times in bed before to know he’ll come out mostly unscathed – but he promised he’d be home three hours ago, and your husband never broke his promises.

Naoya himself knew better than not to keep his word. With you as his wife, he’s not worried you’ll nag or give him the cold shoulder should he come late since you’re perfectly content being submissive and meek, but the way you worry for him.

You always fret so much for him – not because he’s not capable of taking care of himself – but because you can’t handle the thought of losing him that if anything happens to him, you’ll quickly get rid of your trophy wife title in the blink of an eye and release the powers you’ve kept dormant since your marriage. Safe to say, you’re always so worried for him that he feels bad about it. It would’ve been better if you screamed at him at least once, but you’re too quiet, too gentle, that your perturbation manifests in anxious glances, endless pouting, and cold, trembling hands that he doesn’t have it in himself to make you worry any further.

But if such was the case, where was he?

The storm is unforgiving outside. Thunder erupts and claps even at the sturdy roofs of the Zen’in Estate, the lights blinking every now and then with each roar that wouldn’t simmer down to pit-pattering murmurs. Every now and then, lightning would illuminate the gardens outside, and still, not a sight of Naoya.

A few minutes later, just when you’re quite sure you’ve dug deep into the floorings from your endless pacing, your husband appears.

Bruises littered his face and neck, staggering forwards as he clutches his bicep. His feline eyes run across the room for a moment, the servants shock still upon seeing their master heavily wounded – and then there’s you.

He feels you before he sees you. Setting aside all etiquettes and manners drilled into your head that is becoming of the clan head’s wife, you lunge yourself into his arms. His pained groans and whimpers are heard, verbal protests absent. Softly, Naoya buries his cut cheeks into the crook of your neck as you quite literally lose it and cry as you pull him closer, almost muted whispers sorry I’m late disappearing into your silken robes.

You shake your head and fret over him once more, gesturing to the servants to get him a towel, call the healers and just do something. At your sudden commands, the servants come back to life and rush in all directions. Naoya begins to breathe heavily the further he weakens and you try to steady him, his eyes drooping close when – POOF!

Your husband shrunk.

Arms frozen in the air in the shape of Naoya’s figure, you stare wide-eyed onto the now crying child below you.

Blood and bruises are still matted on his skin, his clothes, his hair – and he’s peering up at you, small, chubby arms extended as his sobs grow louder.

“Oh, baby,” you coo and pick him up, not wasting another minute before you dial Shoko, cradling the tiny, vulnerable human that is now clinging to your robes like his life depended on it.

Unsurprisingly, Naoya hates it.

The moment Shoko arrives – along with goddamn Gojo Satoru who’s been taking pictures of a hissing red-cheeked Naoya, his chaotic howling painting the walls of the infirmary – Naoya refuses to leave your side. He doesn’t even want to be set down on the reclining bed where Shoko is supposed to take a look at him. He bares his tiny fangs to the healer at all times, glaring heatedly at the white-haired sorcerer behind you.

You’re strong – you know you are – and breaking Satoru’s legs really wouldn’t be difficult. But as if sensing your hostility – which is always expected every time people even looked at Naoya wrongly – the idiot (who wasn’t so stupid right now) had activated his Infinity.

“I can’t undo it,” Shoko announces with a frown, “He must’ve picked up the curse somewhere when he weakened, but I’ve already healed his previous injuries. The stress probably let the curse manifest as well. It should wear off soon enough if he’s feeling better.”

“So he’ll turn back to normal?”

“Yes, of course,” Shoko’s smirk was mysterious. “With you as his wife, I’m sure he’ll revert back to normal quickly. Just keep taking care of him. He needs it now more than ever.”

The pair leaves not long afterwards, though not without Satoru forwarding you images of a young Naoya whose wide eyes were crystallized with annoyed tears. You hate to admit it, but he’s really adorable. That’s not your main focus though, and you immediately retreat back to your room where you wrap Naoya around your coats before settling him on the pillows.

His cheeks are round and glistening with tears, lips pouty and chubby fingers clutching your sleeves. It’s so rare to see him this vulnerable, so open, that your heart melts.

You scoot closer to him and pat his back as you sing lullabies, your lips hovering just about the soft tuft of blond hair. He yelps when another set of thunder booms like an explosion and he cries, head buried in your chest as he listens to the lulling sound of your heartbeat. It breaks your heart that he’s this unguarded, so exposed to everything that you do everything you can to comfort him, wiping his tears away with the pads of your thumb.

Singing a little louder to hopefully silence the storm, you let his cries dwindle down, the grip on your clothes loosening as he slowly falls into slumber.

“You’re safe, Naoya,” you promise, “I’ll never let anything happen to you. You’re safe now.”

The exhaustion of today’s events finally catches up to you, and it doesn’t take long before your eyes are falling as well. You dream of nothing that night, only stirring every now and then in the dead hours of the night to make sure you’re not crushing him with your weight (you’re a messy sleeper.) Thankfully, he’s fast asleep, breathing evenly and cheeks bouncing every time he huffed out from whatever he’s witnessing in dreamland.

You wake up hours later when you’re pulled into a warm, solid chest. Large, calloused hands brush over your exposed collarbones from when your clothes had ridden down in your sleep, and you freeze in his arms, about to turn and stir, to litter him with kisses but Naoya merely cages you in his arms.

“Naoya,” you croak out, almost shyly since you’re squished between his muscles that are somehow still so flawless despite his scars. “Your breakfast…let me prepare it for you. You need to heal.”

“Just a little bit longer,” his deep, morning husky voice resonates through the tranquility of the morning, and he pulls you closer with his bicep before he finally lets you pull away, his eyes nothing but soft and adoring as he smiles at you. “Let me be with you a little longer.”

You don’t know why you cried, but it’s definitely tears of happiness as you playfully pound a fist to his chest. “Silly. I’m not going anywhere. ‘Til death do us part, remember?”

“Hmm,” he nods once, “I’m not going anywhere either. And even if I leave for a bit to save the world, I’ll always find my way back home to you.”

[blue-broken-heart]

19+ Doctors Visit- JaeHyun Jong X Reader. 19+

!This is a work of Fiction!

!This is a work of Fiction!

!This is a work of Fiction!

!This is a work of FIction!

this jaehyun:

this vybe:

The Doctor's orders are absolute.

Numerous people stumbled in and out as a short man laughed and made jokes with the injured as others came about like it was a mini hospital. Some doctors she guessed did simple injuries and the more extreme cases or the emergency ones went into a room, a large brown door with a smiley face on it.

“y/n,” The cheerful secretary called out, causing her to jump, “What’d you break this time? Should I buzz you in?”

“Yeah please,” y/n panted as she tried to catch her breath. Looking at the cute fellow, Almond type eyes with an impish sparkle, Henry. He pointed her to the brown door. Confused but curious, she followed in.

A large room like the patient boy from earlier. She sat down trying to remember why she came here so often lately.

Work?

Life?

Was it stress?

“y/n? What happened?” His soft voice asked. Sweet, and warm, y/n instantly felt her stomach turn.

“Uhhmm… well..,” She fumbled for words, the high and mighty man killer was stumbling after seeing the quiet JaeHyun.

“Fall and hit your head too hard? Brain Damage?” He laughed.

The small sound aired out of heaven in her mind.

She caught herself checking him out. His blue jeans and white t-shirt contrasting his brown cardigan. It was baggy looking yet pulled at his thighs and he scooted over on his rolling chair. Her eyes drifted to his face, soft sweet features, a calm look in his warm eyes.His thin lips dry.

“Who are you again?” She asked, letting her eyes meet his.

“Your doctor,” JaeHyun said looking at the confused woman. His eyes moved over the woman quickly.

“No,” She shook her head, “Who are you to me?”

“Who am I other than your doctor?” JaeHyun asked, his fingers tracing small circles on her inner ankle. He pulled her leg forward to rest between his thighs. Coming forward her knee bent up and he kissed her knee through the jeans keeping eye contact, “Can you guess? Or should I diagnose you?”

“Diagnose me then Doc,” y/n smirked, throwing her other leg over his shoulder leaning back on her arms.

JaeHyun had time.

There was nothing to do in the office other than sort through records and gossip. One of which he had finished and the other he dreads, y/n came in the room like a saving grace, like an object to distract an anxious child. He enjoyed experimenting with her body just as she liked having him care for her. She was experienced but never knew to have herself taken care of. JaeHyun liked that, he liked it a fucking lot. A brand new drawing book for him to taint.

He smiled as he kissed long kisses up her leg, his hands gripping her waist. He bit her inner thigh light causing her to shift her weight, using her hand to undo her jeans button. She put her hand in her mouth and sucked her fingers then moved her hand to touch herself.

Taken back by y/ns’ now prideful and somewhat sexy actions he sat back, watching as the woman threw her head back in pleasure. Moving to tease her thighs he traced his fingers to the band of her jeans and pulled them down causing her to lie back as he took them off.

Her movements slowed as she edged and her stomach rose and fell rapidly.

“Are you close, y/n?” JaeHyun asked, his voice somewhat bothered by the sexy woman teasing him. He himself was beginning to throb with the limited sight he had at her.

“No,” She panted while sitting up, using her long legs to pull him forward and crash onto the hospital bed, “It’s a little small so you’ll have to stay close.”

“You know these beds made a lot of noise,” JaeHyun smirked, “Aren’t you worried about the door opening this time?”

“Then I guess you have to work quietly?” y/n smiled back and she moved to sit on her knees, leaning to JaeHyun she pulled at his jeans, “Isn’t that right Doc?”

“How far?” JaeHyun asked as the woman sat back slowly rocking her hips on her heel.

“All the way,” y/n smiled.

“ Then strip,” JaeHyun commanded, looking as if he knew y/n would shy away from such an order, she’d reluctantly do it knowing there was someone who’d see her and spill her secret. He knew the woman sitting in front of him wasn’t okay.

“Should I?” y/n smiled and quickly pulled her top off, moving to unhook her bra, throwing it onto the chair. She saw the flash of lust in his eyes as he adjusted himself to sit back.

“Aren't you throwing yourself too quickly into this?” JaeHyun asked, wondering if she’d been yelled at again by her boss.

“Shut up and kiss me doctor,” y/n mewed and kissed him. Forcibly as he took over, forcing her into submission he bit her bottom lip as her eyes closed, enjoying the moment. Kissing her slow and wet, sucking her tongue leaving her breathless, as she whined for more. Her eyes pleaded to him to ease the heat building up between her legs.

“Doctor, I want you,” y/n moaned out, as JaeHyun slowly kissed down her neck and moved to her chest. The look of the woman begging for him in nothing but her lace panties made him need her. He couldn’t resist. As she laughed leaning back the lower down her body he got. Kissing her hood he used the tip of his tongue to try/n a sensual line of spit up her body.

“I’m not giving you what you want y/n,” JaeHyun breathed out, he lied he wanted nothing more than to be thrusting his hard cock in and out of her wet lips. Seeing her drool with her sweet eyes glassed over with tears begging for him to relieve her orgasm.

“Tell me what I owe then,” y/n breathed, moving to sit on his thigh, her wetness soaking through her panties. The more he spoke the hotter she got for him.

“Nothing,” He said as she began rigging his thigh, using her hand to rub his hardening dick. Up and down through his clothes as he heard someone call his name. His warm eyes darted to the door trying to guess how far away the voice was.

y/n however didn’t like it that his eyes were somewhere else. Moaning loudly as she began edging again. Moving quicker as her skin began making soft slapping sounds as the bed moved slightly. JaeHyun’s eyes moved back to y/n, her aroused figure smiling down at him. He moved up and kissed her. Their lips connected, sending shivers down her spine as he pushed her back and moved his hand between her legs.

The moaning woman wrapped her arms around his neck as he began flicking her clit left to right with his thumb. Quickly. She moved up, grinding her hips against his hand. He slipped his index and middle finger down her dripping pussy coating it in her slick and slapped her pussy. The quick movement caused her to jump as he finished working on her. A loud squeak as the metal frame hit against the wall. As her body arched up, gasping for air.

Pulling back as JaeHyun draped her legs over his he licked the cum on his fingers looking down at the orgasm leaking out of her neat folds. Moving down he cupped it blocking the slick from coming out. The runny liquid quickly seeped into his fingers. She moved her hand down, pulling at his t-shirt to get spy/n.

Slipping her hand down she undid his jeans shakily pulling at his boxers, as he sprung up. The sound of his erect cock hitting the back of her thigh made her pussy throb. JaeHyun felt every clench she made holding back her breath, and he knew more about her than the others. He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help it as he aligned himself with her.

Pushing in the tip, y/n’s eyes rolled back into her head as she bit down on the back of her hand, as he pulled out. Hands gripping her waist as he squeezed his base to hold himself back. Using his hand to rub his tip up and down her folds, hitting her cunt lightly as he moved his hand to rub her clit slowly again.

Long strokes as he put the tip in again. Loving the feeling of her slippery walls taking him in and milking him. Each thrust made a filthy sound that made y/n throb and open her legs wider, grinding against him, for more.

“Put it in deeper, doctor,” y/n moaned against her saliva running down her hand, biting her pretty bottom lip hard as he rocked her body back and forth. The soft squeaks of the bed was a sure sign of what was happening but everyone pretended not to hear. y/n kept her voice down as did JaeHyun he knew he was cumming. As he pulled out blocking his own orgasm.

y/n came again her second orgasm for the 30 minutes they were together. Knowing she had her fun she sat up. Looking down between them as his dick stood still, its blood rushing, and hot.

She laid forward between his thighs licking up his length, Coating him in her spit.

“Can I please?” She begged as JaeHyun nodded.

Leaning forward he moved his hand down into her and wet it, bringing it back to coat his cock in the slip. Watching as y/n went down licking herself off of him. Swirling her tongue on his tip and sucking him as she bobbed her head on him. Stuffing his fingers into her mouth he brought her cum to spread on her lips as she moaned against him rubbing his balls lightly as she did.

Grabbing her head back, her eyes were dripping in tears as he came on her tongue. The pearl strands filled her mouth as she cupped her tongue. A simple nod made her swallow, then move down to lick the excess off of him. A filthy pop when she sat back.

Taking a few minutes to regain his energy JaeHyun watched as y/n fell back, lying as the cum dripped out of her cunt. Her underwear roughly pulled to the side. Knowing that she could have been his, made him conflicted as he moved to pull her panties back into place, blocking her from continuing anything. She pulled him into a kiss one last time. The tight airless goodbye lasted until y/n pulled him close, then pushed him away.

“That was hot,” She groaned looking back at him as she reached for her bra.

“And we went too far,” JaeHyun sighed.

“Too far? I’d never change doctors’ and if you leave I’m following,” y/n winked at him as she pulled on her t-shirt. Moving her legs to stand up, “Where’s your bathroom?”

“Left,” JaeHyun grumbled as he held her close. Now properly dressed he lifted her up, she stuffed her hands between her legs to stop and flow and he sat her down on the toilet.

“Thank you, Doctor,” y/n smiled as she wiped herself up, a packet of feminine wipes showing up in front of her, “For me?”

“Yeah I felt bad you don’t get to clean up properly when you usually leave,” JaeHyun said scratching the back of his neck.

No, He made y/n feel safe.

“I don’t mind,” y/n smirked looking up at the sweet gentleman, taking the napkins, unscented and safe, “Can we go again?”

“Right away? We just finished?” JaeHyun asked, concerned about y/n’s sudden urges.

It’s never happened before. She never came to him without needing something, the sex was just a little addition like a lollipop after leaving the doctor. JaeHyun wondered why she just came in today and allowed him to go that far.

“I’m just fucking around JaeHyun,” y/n smiled, turning to wash her hands.

“I know but still..also here,” JaeHyun moved to get a pack from a little cabinet. A little jar of coloured cloth folded, “I got these too, underwear so you don’t have to wear yours until; you get home.”

Sweet, he was sweeter than sugar and y/n wanted her blood filled with him, but she had other things to do. She wanted to fuck around before returning to her troublesome everyday life.

The Doctor’s office was her escape unlike others.

.

.

.

Requests:

Normal: https://blue-broken-heart.tumblr.com/ask

Anon: https://blue-broken-heart.tumblr.com/submit

And uhh...im case you were wondering why I spelt his name so...wrong...well.......with my luckkk...I aint trying to get beef a certain aquaintance...

[lovesick-yanderes]

Lovesick: Part One

Cal Character Bio | Word Count: 1724 words

TWs: Stalking (via social media)

  This is probably the worst job Cal has ever had. Cardinal Cafe, a small, locally owned coffee shop and bakery placed right on the edge of the city’s center, was his own personal Hell. The smell within the building was overpowering; between all the different roasts of coffee beans, the constantly baking edible goods, and the people who stood outside to smoke a cigarette as they waited for their coffee, he was constantly overwhelmed and agitated. His coworkers sucked, too; they were all college students, always griping about exams, their class loads, interpersonal drama… shit that simply did not matter. His boss sucked. To top it all off, he made $11.45 an hour.

  Although he’d been working different jobs for over a decade by this point and had saved almost every penny, meaning he didn’t really need a well paying job to get by for quite a while, he still resented the low wage compared to the effort he was forced to make on shift each day. He frequently dreamed about telling his boss and coworkers off and just walking out one day, middle finger raised. He’d find a new job, which would be exciting at first, but would inevitably suffer the same fate as not only the Cardinal Cafe, but also Dane’s Diner, Peachtree Preschool, August’s Auto, and loads of other establishments he’d worked at throughout his time as a vampire.

  There was one reason he was hesitant to leave Cardinal Cafe; you. His favorite regular customer. You came in every single day and ordered a rotation of three drinks. You always chatted with him as he made your drink, smiled and laughed at everything he said, and complemented his barista skills after every first sip. If it was slow, you’d stick around by the counter to sip on your drink and carry a lengthy conversation with him; if it was busy, you’d give him a genuine thanks and be on your way. He looked forward to you coming by the cafe every shift; it was one of the only things that got him through work.

  Cal looks at the clock: 9:30 am. You should have been here by now.

  He shrugs to himself and continues prepping, making three different pots of hot coffee before switching to making the cafe’s cold brew. At 10:30, he starts getting anxious. A steady stream of customers pour in and he meticulously crafts their drinks, pouring cups of coffee and serving pastries or croissants to their buyers. Time flies incredibly fast. At 12:30, it’s time for him to clock out. He takes his time getting ready to leave, hoping you’ll run through the door so he can see you; you never arrive.

  Where were you? He punches out of his shift and heads back home, and occupies himself through the rest of the day, and then through the night, with thoughts of your whereabouts. He walks into the Cardinal Cafe the next morning at 5 AM, ties his apron tight, and gets to work prepping the bar, confident he’ll see you today- but he doesn’t. In fact, two weeks go by before he, frustrated, decides to do some digging. First, he asks his coworkers if they’ve seen you.

  “No, not for a few weeks now,” one of them says, idly twisting her hair as she leans against the counter. “It sucks. They were so nice.”

  “The last time I saw them…” Another trails off in thought, crossing her arms to help her focus. “Probably at the end of last month.”

   “(Y/N)? No, I haven’t seen them,” the third says as he questions her. “It’s been quite a while since they’ve stopped by. Sucks. They tipped really well.”

   With his coworkers offering no help, he turns to social media to find you. He searches your name on every platform, and while he does find you (rather easily, in fact), he’s frustrated to see that all of your accounts are private and locked down pretty tightly. There was no way for him to check up on you. He throws his phone down and claps his hands over his eyes, groaning out of anger and frustration. What was he supposed to do now? The only good part of his day was gone.

  Well, maybe this is for the best, he thinks, uncovering his eyes and reaching to grab his phone again. A small crack now sat near the top of his screen. He rolls his eyes and goes back online, scrolling aimlessly to try to distract himself. With you gone, he has no other reason to stay at the Cardinal Cafe. This is what he’s been waiting for; a reason to leave… but why does it feel so wrong? The prospect of never seeing you again makes his heart ache in a way he’s never experienced, certainly not as a vampire, but not as a human, either. He continues to scroll mindlessly when something familiar catches his eye. It’s your sweater- well, the same sweater that you have- in the background of an ad. He expands the post to read more.

  It’s a targeted ad for a new apartment complex on the other side of the city.

  “Immediate move-ins available! Our luxury apartments are spacious, pet friendly, and come with plenty of amenities. Call our leasing office today!” Below continues with more information, such as base rent prices, pet restrictions, and details about the amenities. Cal chooses to ignore them and scrolls back to the picture, clicking it to look it over again.

  Something inside of him surges when he sees the sweater again. Not because of the article of clothing, but because of the person wearing it. The person in the picture was definitely you- your body shape and hair made this unmistakable. Cal put his phone down again, this time in shock; moments ago, he felt like he’d lost purpose because you were gone, and now, thanks to a random targeted ad, you were back, and he could see you again. It felt unreal- too good to be true. He snatched his phone back up and called the leasing office, his mind already made up. He was going to see you again.

   -

   Less than a week later, Cal’s old apartment is packed up in boxes and loaded into a moving truck. His time at the Cardinal Cafe is also over- he simply stopped showing up. He drives separately over to the new apartment complex: Steel Square Estates, a total of 5 blue buildings spread throughout a sprawling parking lot. He goes through the process of getting his key and walks up to his unit, opening up the windows to look at his view and get a feel for the layout of the complex’s property. There’s a pool, a small playground, and what seemed to be a paved walking trail that led into a nearby wooded area. It was, simply put, beautiful. 

   He spends the rest of the afternoon unloading the moving truck with the hired movers. He’s constantly looking over his shoulder and around the building for you as he travels up and down the stairs, stopping abruptly to stare any time he sees someone with your hair color. He  has no luck, though. He pays the movers and is walking back upstairs to his unit when he stops again after seeing your hair color. Except this time, it isn’t a stranger.

   There you were, in all your glory, walking down the stairs to head toward the parking lot when you met his gaze. He watches your confused expression turn into one of recognition, then shock, then joy. He can’t help himself as he cracks a smile at your emotional progression and watches as you jog down the stairs towards him.

   “Oh my God!” You exclaim, stopping in front of him. “It’s you! From Cardinal Cafe!”

   He feigns ignorance for a moment before mimicking your progression of recognition. “(Y/N)?” He asks, hoping he sounds just as elated but curious as you do.

   “Yes! I can’t believe it!” The two of you share excitement for a moment. “Did you just move here?” You ask, tilting your head to the side a little.

   “Yes. Just got my keys today,” Cal explains. He can barely contain his excitement. He sets the box he was holding down on the sidewalk, giving you his full attention.

   “What a coincidence! I just moved here a few weeks ago too- I can’t believe we didn’t know we were moving into the same complex, let alone the same building!”

   “What a coincidence indeed,” he affirms, smiling. If only you knew the struggle he went through to find you again.

   You’re about to start talking again when a door slams from up the stairs. Down walks a tall man with black hair, staring at you and raising a brow at Cal’s presence. You look back, much to Cal’s dismay, and make a sound of joy.

   “Oh, John!” You exclaim, waving the man over. Cal’s body tenses as the man comes closer to you, and he feels something dangerous shift in his brain when the man wraps an arm around your shoulders. “This is Cal. He works at Cardinal Cafe, that coffee shop I went to on the other side of town.”

   John nods his head at Cal, and Cal returns the gesture, his fury like a wildfire, spreading through his body with such speed he can barely hold himself together. He just met the guy, but Cal wants John to die. Painfully. Now. 

   “I’m John, as you already heard. It’s nice to meet you,” John says. 

   “You as well,” Cal returns.

   The three of you stand there awkwardly for a moment before you break the silence. “Well, we won’t keep you from moving in. I’m so glad we got to chat again! I’ll see you around, Cal!” You and John head off in the opposite direction, but Cal stands his ground for a moment, trying desperately to calm himself down. He watches you leave to the parking lot over his shoulder before he continues walking back up the stairs to his unit, his mind already racing to figure out a way to get rid of John. Something dark inside of him takes over, something possessive. You’re not walking away from him again- and John will not be sticking around for long.