#and how while humans are violent we are worth saving

[sometinybees]

My own really particular taste in art styles keeping me from a story with such me energy, and all it took was making the main character into just a sopping wet kicked puppy, absolute baby girl with the saddest eyes I've ever seen for me to actually get into it

[tanoraqui]

Dungeon Meshi Liveblog: I thought I wasn't going to have strong opinions about the Laios-Shuro fight, but...

Laios was right about this! Yes, they had 2 physical fights first, but it's important to note that Laios was right about this!

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^ -man who would literally kill to stay in this room and observe this private conversation.

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Sir, your unfaltering little wide-eyed, amiable smile while seriously considering topics that are obviously un-smile-worth has charmed me utterly. I wish to study you like an climate-entomologist yearns for the butterfly that causes storms.

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She seems fine.

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If I start screencapping Laios's and Marcille's faces in this fight, I will never stop because literally every panel is devasting.

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Kuro has done distinctly the most damage so far this fight, just stabbing and gnawing, and I think we should recognize and appreciate that fact.

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I really miss the animation we got of Rin's lightning blast slicing narrowly past Laios.

I love how fast, if reluctantly, Laios accepts that if - not, that Falin is a true "monster", inhuman and hurting people relentlessly and unapologetically, and thus she needs to be killed before she kills them, like any other monster. I also love that Marcille doesn't accept this. Characters!

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+1 to qualification to kingship! Kabru is one again surprised (you can tell by how he's not smiling) (though this might also be due to the significant injuries he just took).

I do have several emotions about how Falin immediately yanks away and kills Kabru, without touching Laios. That's her brother!!

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I really like this little cluster because it says to me that Shuro still has very good "do what Marcille says when she abruptly shouts magic-related directions in combat" instincts. He's a mirror of the "You're already on the Christmas card, buddy" meme - more like, "You're still on the Christmas card." Just like Namari: no one really stops being fond of, and battle companions with, these weirdos.

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I think the most painful part of this probably is that Marcille isn't certain. Maybe this IS her fault. At minimum, she knows she might have mixed the dragon's soul into Falin's, which enabled this even if it didn't create it. But she can't 100% rule out the possibility that it's more her fault than that - which is, of course, the absolute worst thing to say to all of these people looking at her violently askance for using dark magic.

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yeahhhhhh "Lunatic Magician" REALLY lacks the oomph of "Mad Mage"

ANGRY LAIOS! It's such a rare expression on him, it's exciting to see.

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Yesss look at my man Chilchuck use available tools in his environment and save this little goober who thinks it's cool to resent adults.

I really like how they show the social consequences of dark magic. Much beyond Shuro's anger: the other mages are now shutting Marcille down, especially where resurrection magic is concerned. She's made herself untrusted by her peers, whether or not the magic she used on Falin is truly "evil."

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I really enjoy the, like, narratively obligatory, not actually real (well, maybe to Rin) "will they-won't they" between Kabru and Rin. In the story that this isn't, where Kabru is the protagonist with his quirky gang of found family who are helping him save the island and prevent another bloodbath like in his angsty backstory, she IS the One (Human) Female on the Team who is obviously his love interest - often the first to challenge him, battle mage rather than healer ie a Strong Female Character who nonetheless doesn't use unfeminine brute force, forced by happenstance to kiss...

Alas! Kabru is not the protagonist of this story, so Rin shall remain disappointed.

Also this montage of people healing and reuniting while in the background Laios and Shuro whale on each other remains SO funny. Flawless comedic timing.

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Alright, hot take time: I feel like all the debate I've seen about the Shuro/Laios fight depict it as revealing the friendship basically shattered, and never real in the first place. Whereas I'm mostly warmed by how real it clearly was despite everything that just happened?

Shuro is operating on no food and less sleep, desperate to save the woman he idolizes without truly understanding her loves, who is now apparently a monster who nearly slaughtered his most loyal followers. In the past like 2 weeks, Laios has: watched his sister die to save his life (his little sister, whom he is supposed to protect), walked headfirst into a nigh-unwinnable fight to get her back, held her skull in his hands, got her back and held her in his arms, lost her again about 6 hours later in an even more unwinnable fight, which was proven even more unwinnable when the Mage twisted the dungeon itself against them, saw her again but as a murderous monster now (which might be due to the magic he agreed to use to resurrect her), swiftly and sternly resigned himself to fighting and potentially killing her (his little sister! whom he is supposed to protect!), had her recognize him (and no one else!) despite her monstrosity, watched her be killed (again!) in part thanks to him distracting her, except it didn't work and then she fled.

This is an immature, ignoring-immediate-needs (ie, food, healing) knock-down drag-out fight between two men at the absolute ends of their ropes, who, sure, have built-up resentments against each other and the world, and an inciting incident pushing them over the edge - but mostly neither of them can punch in the face the fact that they can't save Falin. So they punch each other instead.

I won't even address the prologue to the fight, where Laios tells him about the black magic and Shuro promptly tries to strangle him then levels a sword at him. Kabru already nailed that: Shuro was worried about Falin - that the magic had hurt her, that the social consequences would be worse. Laios knew this enough that he didn't fight back, then. But now?

The first shove is Shuro demanding, Don't you fucking DARE give me false hope.

I cannot emphasize enough how hard I would also slap someone for suggesting that I wasn't taking the death and monsterization of my younger sibling seriously.

Shuro knows it, too. He doesn't respond to this, he just punches, and Laios punches back. Shuro doesn't speak again until Laios knocks him all the way down, and

Shuro is at his absolute depth. The lowest point he (feels that he) can go. He cannot save Falin. He's shamed himself as a leader and heir by getting his people killed (they got better, but that's beside the point.) He's been beaten in hand-to-hand combat by this idiot northern peasant. He lets down his guard and pride enough to mutter this self-deprecation aloud...and the idiot northern peasant hears, compounding every shame - and it's infuriating especially because he doesn't even hear properly, just like he never hears properly - he's so frustrating in his friendly but oblivious constant irritation and THIS, Shuro can still be furious about, to avoid his grief/hopelessness/self-loathing/shame. This, he can still fight about!

So he does.

They're both wrong in this fight. They're both right. Laios was consistently inconsiderate; knowing this about himself - because it's not like by his early 20s he didn't know that he didn't Get people the way most people Get people - he should've made more of an effort, and picked up any of the hints Shuro was laying down. Shuro was too caught up in his own pride and out-of-place manners: when it was clear that Laios wasn't going to pick up on even the strongest "hint", he should've said something plainly instead of just letting his resentment build until he was effectively lying to Laios about, if not their entire friendship, certainly the shape of it.

But they were friends. They are friends. This isn't the posture or conversation of two guys who don't like each other.

It's two guys who are still, in fact, fucking exhausted, physically and emotionally - but they just got rid of a lot of extra, furious, helpless energy, so they're finally satisfied to just sit. Their posture is relaxed and casual; their conversation straightforward and companionable, if serious.

This is two guys who've sat like this many time at a campfire, in just these poses. Who've kept watch together late at night and stayed awake by talking.

Laios cares about Falin more than anyone in the world, and even after the words and blows they just exchanged, he's still willing to put Shuro's suit to her. Shuro didn't tell Falin he was interested in her until he proposed to her, but he's telling it all to Laios. Admittedly, this is because Laios is, Shuro assumes, the closest he'll ever get to being able to tell it all to Falin...but still. And he admits vulnerability, which he clearly wouldn't have done before, even to his most loyal and loved companions as they urged him to eat and sleep.

Yeah, they're buddies. If I had to describe it, I'd say: their relationship was built on unsteady, false foundations, but they built something sturdy on it anyway, and the sturdy thing survives even when the foundations shake and re-settle.

Lol at Shuro. "I'm going to report you to the local authorities for your crimes because it's the right thing to do. But if you survive, I'll totally use my power and influence to help you flee the country, and live peacefully on my estate beyond where an extradition treaty can reach you."

[see-arcane]

As a fan of the book Dracula and Dracula-adjacent media, I am very used to disappointment. I can still clap when the media is impressive while pretending the characters do not have the names they have. After enough trailers and interviews, I see Nosferatu 2024 is now sadly in that category, RIP to Thomas and Ellen Hutter, the un-Harkers set to get the Francis Ford Coppola treatment ala Robert Eggers. But if directors can play dolls and make the Mina/Ellen character do bloodstained kissy kissy with Dracula/Orlok, I can do this:

ACTUALLY SUBVERSIVE IDEAS I’D BE COOL WITH IN NOSFERATU (2024) FROM LEAST TO MOST COOL

Idea I’d Be Least Cool With, But Seems Eggers-shaped:

Ellen goes full Thomasin x Black Phillip, giving into the darkness~ ooh she loves her some Orlok, talk cadaverous to me babey~ And they make out bloody style and devour the puritanical human society because Eggers will pull a del Toro and make 99.99% of the human characters assholes not worth saving from the Horrors. Maybe Thomas and un-Van Helsing are left standing, maybe not. But it’s basically the Eggers MO of Monsters/Myths > Humans, however innocent or evil, extra dark ominous ending.

Idea I’d Be Somewhat Cooler With:

Ellen is 2 goth 4 U Thomas. But she’s also not oblivious to how Orlok is going to drink everyone. Which is bad. So she’ll 1) embrace her own dark inner lust and monstrosity~ while also 2) pulling a Bride of Frankenstein climax (We belong dead.) to see to it that she and Orlok are destroyed by sunrise. Not a ‘She was too pure for this sinful Earth!’ ending, but a ‘She was too gothique and eager to monsterfuck to hang around with you prudes. But fiiine she’ll destroy herself and her beloved Orlok to save you all or whatever. :/’ Which is slightly better than the scenario of un-Van Helsing and/or Thomas executing her and Orlok. So. Sure. Vampiric murder suicide, dying with her True Orlok Love (Orlove) uwu

Idea I’d Actually Be Pretty Cool With:

Eggers says he’s focusing on the sex/death drive and love story of Nosferatu (many asterisks here). If he has the guts for it, he’ll turn it on its expected heel and do the unthinkable—put a magnifying glass on Orlok getting very weird with Thomas. Who he drinks from first. And leaves imprisoned rather than outright killing him.

“But how do you explain him coming at Ellen’s invitation? What about the whole locket scene??”

Well, that’s where the bittersweet bit happens. Heavy on the bitter. Because if Eggers wants to really put his heel down on the horror part of vampirism and Dracula’s original MO, this would be the perfect point to do a bait and switch with Ellen herself. She wants Orlok? Wants him to ravish and drink her and make her one of his undead so they can be vampires together forever and ever?

“You want me. My touch, my gift. This I know. But the question remains,” cue that sharp little rat grin, “why would I ever want you?” Remember; the only one that explicitly craved what Dracula had to offer in the novel and in Nosferatu was the Renfield character. The one who saw the Count as a means to their end, who pined for him and what he could give. Bar the more sexual/amorous elements with Eggers-Ellen, she’s going after the same thing. This, when Classic Dracula is very much about preying on those who are terrified of and/or loathe him—he’s a conqueror, not a suitor. If you want it, he doesn’t want you. So it’s very possible that Ellen’s unwittingly set herself up for not only disappointment, but a potentially violent end.

“Sounds fucked up. But again, where’s the ‘love story’ bit? What’s up with him taking the locket?”

The locket that Thomas had. Of his wife, who he loves. Who he risked death and worse to crawl his way home to. Who, if he’s anything more like the novel Jonathan Harker he was based on, would become aware of Ellen’s condition/Orlokian preference and simply be heartbroken, yet still unable to turn against her. Ever.

Thomas Hutter’s heart belongs to Ellen, breaking or not. Thomas is also the one who Orlok clings to like his own shadow for the entire stay in the castle. The locket is taken not because it’s an image of Ellen <3, but because it’s an image of the competition/distraction for Orlok’s pet real estate agent who he is Very Normal about. And this is all supposing he doesn't just outright destroy the locket in a petty rage, per the vile thing-mirror scene.

The climax comes with Orlok about to off Ellen, only for Thomas to arrive and offer a trade. Him for her. Orlok takes the deal, latching happily onto Thomas and setting himself up for the sunrise trap. It would make sense. It would boot the old Reinforced Hetero rule of ‘he has to be drinking a pure maiden for it to work!!’ It would be genuinely subversive and tragic as a gothic love triangle, perhaps capped with un-Van Helsing arriving too late and finding Ellen grieving over the corpse of Thomas, Orlok having gone to burning dust as he fed.

Which could lean toward a special knife twist ending in itself:

Ellen mourns not just what was lost, but what she threw away, not realizing what she had in Thomas until he died for her. Tragique. ...Unless.

Ellen refuses to let un-Van Helsing ‘desecrate’ Thomas’ corpse with stake and saw. In fact, she kills him outright when he tries. Cut to the next evening, where Ellen sits patient and unblinking at Thomas’ bedside. The sun goes down. Cue some implying beat in which we realize that Ellen’s clocked that she’s been misinterpreting her prophetic dreams all this time. An epiphany that comes to fruition as we see her smile at some sudden change off-screen while facing Thomas’ cadaver on the bed.

The Embodiment of Death she was pining for was never Orlok, but Thomas. Rather, Thomas fully metamorphosed into Nosferatu.

“Come to me,” she whispers. “Hear my call…”

Thomas hears. A claw-tipped hand raises up to hers. The wedding ring on it gleams.

The End. (?)

It won’t happen. I know it won’t happen. But goddamn would I love to be proven wrong.

[dotthings]

Despite Dean trying to distance from Benny once they’re on earth, when Benny’s in trouble, Dean’s there. The strength of a bond formed in combat. Brothers in arms. And something else comes across in their dynamic too, and while it’s not acknowledged canon, by Carver era of spn, oh you can bet that was deliberate subtext and queer coding. But there’s also this brothers-in-arms friendship they have and Benny and Dean connecting and Benny clearly knows Dean and what makes him tick.

“You and that whole friend thing, man...good to know you’re still dumb as ever.”

Cas and Benny glaring and bickering at each other with Dean in the middle going FML. Benny witnessing whatever this…thing…is between Dean and Cas—Benny noticed how close they are, and he seemingly believes Cas isn’t worth it and Dean could do better, but he starts developing a grudging respect for Cas, too. And saves Cas—which is what cements Dean being able to trust Benny. And everyone has excellent chemistry. Sorry we didn’t get a lot more of Dean-Cas-Benny in Purgatory.

Benny, thinking of survival, expresses his doubts about getting Cas through the portal because he’s an angel, not a human soul or a corrupted human soul, and Dean is resolute and absolute in his determination to save Cas and isn’t having it.

“Cas, we’re going to shove your ass through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

Benny’s drawn to Dean’s heart, to his loyalty to his friends, even though he wryly scoffs at Dean about it in the present, Benny really likes that about Dean.

VAMPIRATES.

“Our father, he was a jealous god. Kept our family together, but kept us apart from the rest of the world, always at sea. I always did what was best for the nest.” Dean and Benny are so similar, and there’s Dean, a human taught from childhood to kill monsters, seeing himself reflected in a vampire’s experiences, with a controlling father, and dedication to family. But Dean isn’t the only one Benny parallels to. It’s Cas too. Always thinking of the Heavenly host and duty to his father, also a jealous god, Cas isolated from the humans he was stationed on earth to observe, Cas loyal and obedient and dedicated.

And Benny met someone, fell in love, and it changed him, just as Cas met someone, fell in love, and it changed him. There’s even a human/nonhuman romance for Benny to sweeten the pot of parallels. And while Dean never abandons family, nevertheless, he dedicates himself to his quest to save Cas in Purgatory, delaying getting home.

Saving Cas is something Dean wants to do, that he needs to do for himself, as well as him believing Cas deserves to be saved, and his relationship with Cas in itself is a defiance of his father, just as Benny defied his father and broke with his vampire nest, and Cas defied god and the heavenly host.

Cas and Benny’s supernatural families were punitive and violent against acts of defiance. Both Benny and Cas wind up hunted by their own father/their father’s agents. While John isn’t that, there were still punishments while Dean was growing up for him deviating from his father’s orders.

“We’re real. Benny, this is real.”

Where did Cas learn the emotional realness he speaks to Dean in early S15, where did Cas learn that connections between people is the one realest thing out there? From Dean, starting from S4.

“This is my story, you gnat. It ends the way I choose. Not you.” Benny’s vampire sire sure does have controlling Chuck vibes.

And like Sam and Dean and Cas, Benny will rip up the rulebook and make his own choices, make his own story, even if he’s in a trap still.

Benny in another Cas parallel: he can’t figure out why Dean resurrected him, doesn’t think he deserves to be saved. Benny wanted to get out of Purgatory so badly but once he does, he feels he deserves to be there, while Cas refuses to leave Purgatory, believing he deserves to be there, to pay penance for the things he’s done.

[lastsubstance]

How the TS gang feels about Ais

(The Alchemist.) When everyone disperses and you have to choose who to follow.

Asking about Ais.

You follow Kuras.

MC: Have you been out to see Ais at the Seaspring?

Kuras: Once.

MC: Only once? Seems like a spring with miraculous powers would interest a doctor.

A long silence follows, so long that I’m not sure Kuras heard me. I’m about to repeat myself when he finally speaks in a near-whisper.

Kuras: Ais is the rare newcomer who has proven himself immediately worthy of respect.

               The Seaspring is…another matter. Hidden depths often contain unwelcome secrets.

MC: You could say that about anything around here.

Kuras: A fair point. Nonetheless, I have seen many purported wonders, and the Seapsring is unlike any other. Only time will tell what that means.

You follow Leander.

MC: So, you’re friends with Ais?

Leander: Have been for a while, but he’s rarely in town. Where’d you run into him?

MC: The Seaspring.

Leander chokes on his drink. He coughs violently into his fist before giving me a surprised look.

Leander: You went all the way out there. How’d he treat you?

—OPTION SELECT—(Select "He was honest")—

MC: He was honest. He told me about how the Seaspring’s power comes with a heavy price.

Leander: Losing your mind, becoming one of his funny brainless pets.

He sighs, pausing before he speaks again.

Leander: Does that sound worth it to you?

MC: The only pets he has are Soulless.

Leander: Yeah, I know. I didn’t mean it like that. Ais has my respect and takes care of his own.

For a moment, Leander stares deep into the bottom of his glass. When he looks up again, the circles of his eyes seem even deeper than usual.

Leander: All those red-eyed minions creep me out. Can we talk about something else?

—OPTION SELECT—(Select "He was intimidating")—

MC: Intimidating, to be honest.

Leander: Don’t let it get to you. Ais does well in Eridia because he knows how to scare people.

MC: He’s a Monster. You really don’t think he’s a threat?

Leander: Not in the slightest.

               I like to think of us as rivals. We like to keep each other on our toes, you know?

MC: Don’t you think being rivals with a Monster is a bad idea? If he wanted to disembowel you, it’d be easy.

Leander: No, no, it’s not that serious. Sure, Ais likes to toe lines on purpose.

               But he’s not such a bad guy once you get to know him…

Leander sighs and takes a swig from his glass.

You follow Mhin.

MC: You don’t seem to like Ais…

Mhin: I don’t like anyone, but especially not that bloodthirsty gangster.

The words tumble from their mouth before I can even finish my sentence.

MC: Did he do something to you?

Mhin: Beyond existing? No, but I’m not waiting around to get hurt first.

               The Seaspring he runs, with all those smiling red-eyed people? I suppose his one saving grace is that he hasn’t forced anyone to drink from it. Yet.

               Monsters like him don’t know or care about what they have. It makes me sick.

Their voice echoes down the empty street, startling me.

I blink, staring at them.

MC: You really don’t like Monsters, do you?

Mhin fixes me with a flat gaze, their pale eyes like chips of ice.

Mhin: Every Monster forced their way out of the Shroud and into the world for some reason.

               I may not know Ais’s reason, but to the vast majority of Monsters, humans are food, playthings, or beneath notice.

               That may simply be their nature, but I don’t have to like it.

               And I’m not going to risk my life in the hopes that any one of them is different.

A lot of humans fear or hate Monsters, but there’s something different about how Mhin talks about them. It sounds personal.

You follow Vere.

MC: I’d like to know more about Ais. You two seem close.

Vere: He made an impression, hm? Not surprising. He’s strong, ruthless, easy on the eyes.

               Gives it almost as well as he takes it, even if he’s awfully greedy.

               Big…everywhere really.

               Bit simple, but you know what they say about still waters.

I don’t. But I’m too distracted by the change that’s come over Vere to ask.

A coy smile plays at his lips as he winds a finger around the chain dangling from his collar.

MC: I thought you didn’t like many people

Vere: Ais isn’t most people. He’s better. He –

Our eyes meet, and Vere’s expression curdles.

He makes a tiny sound of distaste in the back of his throat.

Vere: He’s more trouble than he’s worth.

               Dangerous, too. Stay far away from him and those red-eyed freaks if you value your safety or your sanity.

MC: Is that why you scolded me for going to the Seaspring? I really don’t think Ais is as bad as you’re saying.

Vere: You don’t know him. Not like I do.

The corner of his lip twitches.

[veliseraptor]

For the ILCBLT AU, AU where after 10 plus years of domestic bliss XXC dies. Not suicide or murder, could be a lightning strike if you want.

I knew I'd kind of written something for this in the past but it took me forever to find it - I did eventually though! although that's specifically about if both Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan die, which is different.

I can say that it would absolutely wreck both Xue Yang and Song Lan, and a-Qing, but in this case with the 10 years of background they wouldn't fall apart relationship-wise and I think would be more able to lean on each other.

the main issue here is going to be that Xue Yang's inclination, immediately, is "okay, this is a resolvable problem, we just bring him back from the dead" which is not going to fly with Song Lan very well, except for the part of him that is like BUT WHAT IF but also...he knows that's not what Xiao Xingchen would want, he knows it's an abomination against nature that would be imprisoning Xiao Xingchen's soul never to reincarnate, he knows it's the wrong thing to do.

and yet with Xue Yang pressuring him, stalled on the "denial" stage of grief, it is very difficult to hold steady, because Song Lan is human: he wants Xiao Xingchen back, he wants him with them, but it just. He just. How can he conscience such a thing?

Xue Yang, as I said, is totally stuck in denial. He's just not going to accept it! He was always going to die first of the three of them, obviously, his daoshi are going to cultivate to immortality and he won't and that's fine, he can live with it and just enjoy what he has while it lasts. only then Xiao Xingchen goes and dies (probably night hunting accident), how can he just do that, that's not allowed, and Song Lan won't let him fix it because Song Lan thinks it's "wrong" or whatever even though Xue Yang can see he obviously misses Xiao Xingchen too--

there are definitely hurtful words thrown around. Xue Yang almost certainly brings up how Song Lan "abandoned" Xiao Xingchen before and that would set off Song Lan's temper and probably the worst fight they've had in a long time. I don't think Xue Yang would do anything hideous about it - long habit, if nothing else, and he would be clinging to Song Lan as a tether enough to keep him from lashing out physically. but it would be pretty vicious and might lead to Xue Yang taking off (Song Lan's favorite habit of his, and in this case even more terrifying than usual, because Xue Yang isn't the only one clinging a little)

a-Qing has forged a life for herself, for what it's worth, but Xiao Xingchen is still her first friend, her older brother, the person who as good as saved her life and gave her a home, and she is very, very close to siding with Xue Yang on the whole resurrection thing and just barely holding back from it because she, too, recognizes it's not what Xiao Xingchen would want, and she has more respect for that than Xue Yang does.

Xue Yang sometimes thinks that Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan just are tragically misguided about things and don't quite understand stuff and therefore he has to step in and do it for them. sometimes he is right about this (with Xiao Xingchen and money, for instance); sometimes he is decidedly not right about this.

if/when Xue Yang eventually does have to move past the denial phase - if he doesn't sidestep Song Lan and just resurrect Xiao Xingchen anyways, though I'm pretty sure Song Lan would be fairly vigilant to keep that from happening - it's going to be a pretty ugly thing, because Xue Yang does not know how to cope with grief at all. Like most of his feelings, it's big and violent and also unfamiliar. that makes it very scary and overwhelming and uncontrollable.

so now Song Lan (and a-Qing) are trying to handle that while also handling their own grief, which is fun for everybody.

Xue Yang would definitely prefer the murder. then at least he has someone he can blame, and revenge to fall back on.

and incidentally I do think in that scenario there wouldn't be any stopping him from taking revenge, even if Song Lan were to try. and in honesty I'm not sure how hard he would try, depending on the circumstances.

[pinnedangel]

yes closer by nine inch nails is a really hot song for regular reasons but to fully understand its effect you need to consider its place in the larger narrative of the downward spiral. your narrator is a man who, throughout the first third of the album, has just been through all of the events that kick off his spiral of complete and utter self destruction. the painful betrayal of someone he used to trust, which he cannot even admit to himself hurt him in any way. the utter loss of faith in a religion he was clinging onto, because he cannot conceptualize of a loving god in the face of the suffering christianity has brought upon him and the world in general. and lastly the violent subjugation that authority and society at large has used to pick him apart no matter how much he tries to please them. all of that leading into a song that on contextless listen mostly sounds like it's about desperate animalistic sex. which it is. but once you take those events into consideration, it becomes so much more clear that there is also the gorgeously erotic desperation of a man who is beginning to lose touch with humanity because of the violence wrought upon him, seeking to redirect that violence through sex in order to feel any sort of power. it's in how much the narrator emphasizes that the subject is "letting him" violate/desecrate/penetrate. it's in how much baggage saying that the subject brings him closer to god has when two songs ago he was screaming about god being dead because of the manipulative nature of his experience with religion, being brought closer to god now taking on the meaning of being able to desecrate her entirely. it's in the focus on the primal senses he's feeling, the desire to get away from himself and his sense of reasoning, when in the broader narrative this is the last point before the narrator actively starts to distance himself from humanity and become more machine than man. it's in the fact that when he says "you make me perfect," that is essentially the only positive thing he says about himself or anyone else throughout the entire album, and it is directly followed up with "help me become somebody else."

essentially, it's about using sex as a method of feeling anything pleasurable at all when you feel like you're at your lowest (and then getting even lower afterwards). it's about feeling like you are stuck in an absolutely horrific life where you hate every fiber of your being and are utterly powerless against any of the forces keeping you there, but the one thing that is holding you together and convincing you that you are worth anything as a person is the animalistic sense of power you have over someone else by means of subjugating them sexually. which. once you have context for them, all of those things make the song even hotter.

and all of that of course feeds into the reasons why, while closer is undeniably an incredibly hot song, the hottest song on the downward spiral is reptile. where the narrator, now having lost all humanity, returns to this same person because of what we now learn is (at least to him in his machine-state) her sexual manipulation towards him. faded behind the last chorus, you can hear him begging her to let him go, screaming no, even begging her not to hurt him in some live performances of the song. (i recommend listening to the woodstock 94' performance in particular to hear the begging and screaming better, but that's also because i'm normal about trent reznor covered in mud.) i could go on about this but i will save us all time and conclude with if you, like me, enjoy emotionally damaging freak sex as well as industrial music, you can and should be beating your meat to all of the downward spiral and not just closer, not because closer is not worth jacking it to, but because it is even more worth jerking that thing to closer when you know just how fucked up the sex they're having is. thank you and goodnight.

[fantasyinvader]

I got a copy of Drakengard 3 recently, after watching some reviews of the series again. It was kinda nuts watching this one guy go on about how he couldn't believe that it was created by the same guy who did the Nier series even if Nier is a spin-off of Drakengard. But this guy took the games by themselves, didn't back it up with the supplementary materials and interviews like Clemps does.

To me, Drakengard 3 makes sense considering one thing: Yoko Taro hates the little sister type of character. It's why he created Furiae in the first place, a sister character who acted as a damsel in distress while at the same time having incestuous thoughts towards her brother. Throw in Inuart and I'd probably start comparing it to Sacred Stones non-stop. But really, all the characters in the first game were kinda shitty: Caim is psycho, Arioch kills and eats children after her own were killed, Leonard is into little boys and Seere is an annoying child. But what the reviewer said about how despite the fucked up nature of Drakengard's world it's still worth saving even if it was the likes of Caim and his companions to do so.

In Drakengard 2 Caim's love for Angelus (his dragon) sees him attempt to break the seals, dooming the world he saved, so that he can reunite with her.

So, what I was thinking is that Zero was meant to be like the first game, she's the last person you'd expect to save the world. How does she do so? First, she kills her “little sisters” and then she herself dies to her dragon, preventing the flower from destroying the world. She is the complete opposite of your typical female character as well; violent, vulgar, abusive, and pure is the furthest thing from Zero. Hell, she starts missions in a white dress that quickly gets stained with blood. She's not a big sister character, or a love interest, or a warm mother figure, Zero is just Zero.

But then you look at the Little Sisters of the game. One tries to present herself as Zero's complete opposite, but while she wants to save the world she can't bring herself to kill her sisters aside from Zero but her methods won't work either. Two is the quirky positive girl, someone who breaks under the weight of the setting. Three is the little sister who plays with dolls, but this ends up being creepy due to human experiments. Four tries to be the pure little sister, but this just means she's a liar who abuses her own partner, while Five is the well-endowed hedonist taken to it's logical conclusion. They all feel like they are some sort of female archetype, their designs being directly inspired by Madoka doesn't help either.

To me, it's making sense. Zero kills her sisters in part because Yoko Taro hates little sisters, but also because they represent stereotypical anime portrayals of girls. Meanwhile, Zero goes against everything anime wants women to be aside from attractive. What's more, despite the fact that the world has repeatedly kicked Zero down into the mud, she still wants to save it even if it means she herself will die. The fact Furiea was meant to rep Taro's distain for bland forgettable heroines, "who are demure, passive, "virtuous" women who exist only to look pretty and be fought over as a prize for the protagonist"... Zero was his attempt to create the exact opposite.

Can we get an episode of Death Battle where she fights Edelgard?

[rphelperblog]

Amie Kaufman Quotes Rp Meme : Part One

“You have me. Until the last star in the galaxy dies, you have me.”

“I am frequently underestimated. I think it's because I'm short.”

“She is catalyst. She is chaos. I can see why he loves her.”

“Letting yourself get hurt isn’t brave, love. Brave is protecting others from hurt.”

“There are monsters among us, it’s true. But there are heroes too.”

“Whatever they've done to me,  whatever I am--I love you. Don't forget that.”

“Love, and trust. The things that make us human. They could have been mine, if only I could have leapt. If only we could have leapt.”

“ ‘Right’ is whatever the people who’re standing at the end say it is. ‘Right’ is decided by the people who win.

“Things always look darkest in the middle of the night.”

“You deserve every star in the galaxy laid out at your feet and a thousand diamonds in your hair. You deserve someone who'll run with you as far and as fast as you want to. Holding your hand, not holding you back. You deserve more than I could ever give you.But I'll give you everything I can if you still want me to.”

“Do moons choose the planets they orbit? Do planets choose their stars? Who am I to deny gravity? When you shine brighter than an constellation in the sky?”

“But she's here, she's mine. I'm hers.”

“Perhaps bravery is simply the face humanity wraps around its collective madness.”

“It’s not about what I say, right? It’s what I do that matters here.”

“And now, born from the ashes, she’s a warrior in bloodied black.”

“Every story needs its hero. And its villain. And its monster.”

“Live a life worth dying for.”

“You don’t understand the unbearable beauty of being you.”

“Miracles are statistical improbabilities. And fate is an illusion humanity uses to comfort itself in the dark. There are no absolutes in life, save death.”

“Numbers do not feel. Do not bleed or weep or hope. They do not know bravery or sacrifice. Love and allegiance. At the very apex of callousness, you will find only ones and zeros.”

"There'a billion different versions of you out there, in a trillion different universes. And I still can't get over how lucky I am that, out of all those versions, you're the one that's mine.”

“Patience and Silence had one beautiful daughter. And her name was Vengeance.”

“You don't mention death when it's hovering near someone you love. You don't want to attract the reaper's attention.”

“The more you lose, the more you realize you don't have much left.”

“I should have told you I loved you every day. I should have given you the stars.”

Why not believe? If in faith you risk nothing, but through faithlessness, you risk everything?”

“I am not feeling nothing.”

“May we meet again on distant shores.”

“The universe was here before you, and it will go on after you. The only way it will remember you is if you do something worthy of remembrance.”

“But who names a starship the Icarus? What kind of man possess that much hubris, that he dares it to fall?”

“The universe owes you nothing...It has already given you everything, after all. It was here long before you, and it will go on long after you. The only way it will remember you is if you do something worthy of remembrance.”

“The mere sight of her is water in an endless desert.”

“And there it is, against all hope, like the sun peeking out from behind the clouds. The smallest hint of a smile.”

“Part of being alive is having life change us. The people around us, the events we live through, all of them shape us. And that's what I think you're afraid of. Maybe not of dying. But of this you, the you you've become, ceasing to exist.”

“Some people, when they lose it, they scream, they fight. I hope that would be me”

“You are the fire I long to burn inside,"

“If I breathed, I would sigh. I would scream. I would cry.”

“It may comfort you to know that your death, while astonishingly violent, will likely be mercifully swift.”

“There is no love in violence”

“I think I'd like to be unconscious again, please.”

“And blood and tears and screams did not matter anymore, because at least they are together.”

“..Look out at the nothing and feel it looking back. Then you know exactly how much you add up to.”

“She runs. Not away, but toward.”

“Tomorrow is worth a million yesterdays.”

“Sure, the story kicks off with the deaths of thousands of people, but god forbid there be cussing in it, right?”

“We have failed, but I hope they will see how hard we tried.”

“The sound of her name is like music.”

“The die is cast. But today we will shake the table upon which it lands.”

“Most people would say I’m pretty cold, but I think of it more as…private. People are always saying “how are you?” to each other, and I guess I don’t see why I should answer such a personal question for just anyone.”

“I am not good. Nor am I evil. I am no hero. Nor am I villain.“

“I had no idea how safe I was, because I’d never been unsafe.”

“What you do when stuff like this happens is you LIVE, you survive it, that's how you honour the ones you lost.”

“Everyone's right, and everyone's wrong.”

“It is entirely possible to be alone in a crowded room.  Your solitude only compounded by the faces around you.  The presence of others serving only to remind you of how lonely you truly are.”

“I know a thousand different smiles, each with its own nuanced shade of meaning, but I don't know how to reach the few feet away to touch this person next to me. I don't know how to talk to him. Not when it's real.”

“Who wants to be normal when you can be interesting instead?”

“Then she smiles, and it turns out she has dimples, and it's all over.”

“When the light that kisses the back of her eyes were birthed, her ancestors were not yet born. How many human lives have ended in the time it took that light to reach her?How many people have loved only to have lost? How countless, the hopes that have died?But not this one.”

“How do you live again, knowing what waits for you in the end?”

“This tiny moment. In between the time you decide to pull a trigger and the time death arrives. There's just you and it and everything you're about to take away. It's too big. It goes forever.”

“I will see you in the stars.”

“When we allow ourselves to explore, we discover destinations that were never on our map.”

“What do you know of souls and hearts and how they break here? You don't know me at all.”

“Is your request not to punch you still in effect, sir?”

“Just because you're not saying it doesn't mean you're not thinking it.”

'You're the same girl who crashed on this planet with me, who I dragged through forests and over mountains, who climbed through a shipwreck full of bodies to save my life. You're the same girl I loved, and I love you now.”

“You're the most important thing in this universe. You; this vessel; the people of this planet; lovers, warriors, artists, leaders, dreams more numerous than stars. Each mind unique, each thought created for an instant and then broken apart to form new ones. You don't understand the unbearable beauty of being you.”

“You humans fascinate me. I am shattered fragments of what I once once. But even with all the King's horses and all the King's men, I wonder if even I could truly comprehend you.”

“I'm not going to sit here and spitball about hyperspatial reality theory with a psychopathic calculator. This conversation is over.”

“There is something in humanity more suited to the mechanics of murder than any machine yet devised.”

“There are no stars, because there are never any stars here, only a thick darkness that rushes down her throat and into her heart. She dreams of drowning.”

“He would lose every game. And he still insisted on playing. I wondered at the futility of it. If it is the definition of insanity to repeat the same process and expect a different outcome, most of humanity must be insane.”

“But free will is what it means to be human, and no one can determine the path you take through this universe. Choice is our greatest right, our greatest gift-and our greatest responsibility.”

“Abandon her? If only my duty or my conscience would let me. The galaxy would be better off, if you ask me. Who’d even know we were in the same pod? Except that I would know. And that would be enough.”

[allocate-aloe]

Can you guys believe it's only been a week.

A GOT-DANGIT WEEK. IT FEELS LIKE CENTURIES.

Listen, I know so many of us are scared, disassociating, and angry. I'm currently doing all three at the same time! Just know that you matter, your existence matters, the world is a better place with you in it. I feel that a lot of us realized how much women, especially women of color, are actually seen in the United States and it's atrocious. I'm not surprised, but I'm disgusted anyways.

One thing that my writing gives me is catharsis. I get to write about toxic masculinity and how stupid it makes both men and women. My male characters are not just shallow, cardboard cut-outs for sexual fantasy, they contain real ideals and themes that continue to infect our society. The idea of a hyper-violent man that would destroy the world to protect someone he loves is a fantasy that many women have, that we ARE worth burning the world down for. Unfortunately, that's not reality.

The reality is that many men use women, especially white women, as tools to continue their sense of control over those they deem as 'lesser than'. (My white supremacist grandfather from Arkansas said it was about 'keeping everyone in line', including women.) And many women play into this because they think they aren't being targeted, that they will also be saved if they show how useful they are to these types of men. They don't realize their necks are still on the block, even when they lay down their heads willingly. They don't realize that this hatred extends to themselves, as well. That's why the 'pick me' mentality doesn't work.

I wish I could say that we all will be okay, but I feel that we all know better than that. What I can say is that we have each other, we have our found families, we have our communities, and we no longer have to tolerate catering to people who see us as sub-human. They will feel these consequences, even if they lack the mental capacity to self-reflect and understand their own actions caused all of it. Let them. We're used to this fight. Women and the LGBTQ+ community have been fighting for thousands of years to establish and retain human rights. While coddled, wealthy white men scream about egg prices and how they have a right to a woman's body.

It's okay to feel scared, angry, disgusted, and hopeless. But don't let it defeat you. I will be channeling these feelings and destructive themes into my artwork, as I know many creatives will also do. Art is a foundation of resistance, it is integral to our culture. It motivates, comforts, and inspires the people that it's meant for.

I will be taking a short break to recover my center, so there will not be an update this week. I feel that it's important we tend to our souls first. Reach out to others experiencing this too. Make your favorite meals. Find connection through your own hobbies and artwork to express these feelings in a healthy way. And most importantly, do not despair. You do not have to fight the current to keep your head above water. Sometimes you just have to lay back and float.

So, let's float through this together, my friends. <3

TLDR; elections are terrifying with real-world consequences. It's okay to take a break if you need to. There won't be an update to the fic this week as I also try to process what is going on. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other. <3

[cinamun]

This is half non-sims lol but I saw that post about the hell you catch for how you write Indya and it reminded me of a Tiktok I saw about how black women don’t get the grace of being seen trying (the original post was about folks trying in general but someone else highlighted black women) . Like we have to have it immediately and be perfect at it so no matter how many heart attacks your story gives me lmao I’m here for the long haul because how you write it is extremely important and necessary! Folks do not get it right all the damn time and that’s okay and worth documenting just as much as the person who gets it right first try for sure!

TESTIFY, FRIEND! Also thank you because as I got deeper and deeper into Indya specifically, I found myself struggling with the idea that a flawed Black woman isn't worth the dialogue... but let's get into it a little bit if you want?

Its literally because Black women who are complex and destroyed and drinking cough syrup mixed with wine and sleeping around and cheating and not loving themselves (as Indya was written) are seen as trash and it was because women like this aren't seen as capable of growing that I continued to write Indya exactly the way I did, but with growth; long, slow, steady growth while trying to also stay true to her character. Its because loud, unapologetic, ready to square up bad bitches are constantly judged. There were whole essays that negatively portrayed Black women when WAP came out but when Meg got her degree it was media silence. I digress...

Black women are never allowed the space to be imperfect and to grow. We have to be everything all at once. So the asks I used to get were HEATED! "Indya ain't shit" and "Indya needs therapy" and "This is whats wrong with our people now CINAMUN!!" and the scene would be about Mercy lmfaoooooooo I'm deadass tho! But I'm here to teach/reach/learn and I enjoy engagement and I know my writing touches soft spots (even for me and I admit that all the time, I trigger my gotdamn self).

In that gifset the author spoke of humanity and how important it is to show Black woman as the HUMAN BEINGS WE ARE and not having to always be angels when we are tired of saving the world.

Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be an essay but its something I'm very passionate about. And for the record, I only delete the asks that are downright violent/verbally abusive towards ME personally. My skin is pretty thick ya dig?

[steinbecks]

i really liked TLOU but joel's choice to save ellie over humanity left me a little cold bc TLOU regularly makes the argument that with very few exceptions, humanity is comprised of violent people who will shoot you and eat you as soon the second they get the chance. granted it provides a context for this - in a zombie apocalypse, people will do anything to survive - but it starts to feel so exaggerated it's absurd. like joel getting stabbed at the university, with zero time between first contact and murder; in essence, the first contact IS murder. in TLOU, our single relational mode with other people is "enemy until proven otherwise."

and this is ellie's hope - that by providing the cure, she can end this world of endless violence - but given that the series ends up highlighting the threats we face from each other rather than the threats we face from the infected, the selfishness of joel's choice at the hospital fills me with indifference because i'm not invested in saving the people of the world of TLOU lol. which is a wildly anti-humanistic feeling to be left with, and one that contradicts a lot of things i believe about humanity as it exists in real life - i think we're worth saving on the basis of our humanity, not our goodness; i am against capital punishment point-blank, etc.

but again, perhaps faith in and hope for the future are what joel squanders when he makes his decision - if only he'd sacrificed ellie, he could've given humanity the chance to end and transcend this insistence on violence - and perhaps i'm jaded after binging yellowjackets and so much post-apocalyptic media that assumes civilization is the only thing keeping our most violent instincts in check. and perhaps i must accept that TLOU isn't trying to tell a story about saving humanity, but instead a story about how in a violent world, even love becomes a violent choice. still!! i will be chewing on this for a while.

[amyisherenowitsokay]

War on Love (discontinued fic)

Plot Synopsis

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

Content warnings for: lots of death, attempted, actual murder, mentions of contemplating suicide, trauma, depression

For individual character analysis, writer commentary, themes, etc. please see the masterpost with appropriate links here.

WoL has roughly 53k worth of unpublished, written words, while it's previously unannounced sequel has the first 4 chapters finished and written, which turns out to be about 25k words.

So to start with, for those who need a refresher, here's a REALLY BRIEF summary of the currently published chapters of WoL, condensed to the bare minimum because otherwise it'd be so long it'd need its own post:

Summary

Gaz (12) goes with Dib (14) to investigate on a few of his missions. Zim discovers his mission and he himself are just a joke to the Tallest, getting the truth from Skoodge. Tak appears on Earth with a damaged MiMi, intent on vengeance against everyone and anyone who played the slightest part in her previous downfall on Earth. (Morgan) Dwicky returns to Earth, intent on saving his Plookesian comrades from death-by-space-dementia-equivalent, called Degradation, selling his servitude to Zim in exchange for help.

Through a series of danger and chaos, Zim, Gaz, and Dib end up allying to defeat Tak and keep her from killing them/destroying the Earth. Gaz obtains blackmail of Zim without his disguise. She uses the threat of its publication against Zim, and its destruction against Dib, to maintain a tenuous peace. Dwicky is enlisted to act as their counselor/chaperon/plausible excuse for the Membrane's to be running all across the country/missing school, as well as offering his services as an arm's dealer and general muscle-bodyguard-space-murderer-things. Zim agrees to hold the Plookesians hostage in a suspension pod until Dwicky finishes helping them with Tak. Dib distances his investigation from the Swollen Eyeball Network publicly, for the sake of the mission, enraging its members. Where we last left off, Zim's initial antagonism was beginning to turn into admiration towards her practical, ruthless nature, which differs from her extremely moralistic sibling.

Tak, after escaping from Zim's brief capture via MiMi's aid, loses her SIR unit when she is 'rescued' by transients, causing MiMi to lose track of her. Assumed homeless/transient, she eventually engenders empathy from a similarly misfortunate human, Peter. Eventually, upon regaining her memory, and unable to locate MiMi, Tak blackmails Peter into becoming her new sidekick. She promises him that she'll use her technology to fix Peter's younger brother, Michael, whom was injured in a violent street brawl, in exchange for his 'loyal' servitude. It is unclear if Michael will ever wake up, or if his neurological damage is permanent.

Additional side characters include a psychic, Rita, and her formerly military wife, Myra, whom the Membranes encounter during Dib's investigation into Rita's authenticity. Rita warns the Membrane's of approaching imminent danger, as well as hints towards knowing a 'secret' of Gaz's that freaks the younger Membrane out. Rita and Myra later enlist the help of an old soldier friend, Donovan, to help track them down and keep an eye on them. All three are semi-retired members of the SEN. Donovan's efforts are aided by his adopted and technologically savvy son, Brian. Raine, formerly Myra and Donovan's military superior, is called in by Donovan for additional backup.

Continuation

For easiest reading, I'm going to summarize the direction of the plot, and then go into the details of how the story was going to play out.

The Rest of the Story Summary

Essentially, the main theme of WoL was the different ways each character finds love and affection, the different forms it comes in, and the ways in which that love uniquely ends up fucking over each and every one of them. As stated early on, in Chapter 1's introductory pages:

The general plot is that all the OC's and the main band of Dib, Gaz, Zim, and Dwicky all team up to face Tak. Meanwhile, Tak develops a really toxic, kind of sick attachment to Peter. His mutual attraction and terror of her continues to fuel the complicated nature of their relationship throughout the story. Now with a base, Tak begins stealing neighborhood pets and mutating them into monstrous, eyeless creatures referred to as Hounds. They're roughly the size of a Volkswagen Beetle, but they're blind, relying on smell and sound to to pinpoint their targets. She begins developing these creatures while also continuing with killings on her hitlist.

Zim, Dwicky, Gaz, Dib, and the OC gang all chase Tak across the city, foiling her smaller plans and tracking her ongoing murders. They discover prototypes of the Hounds, but are unsure of what the goal is, assuming she plans to use the Hounds as some sort of crude assassination method. The adults all develop a sense of familial, usually paternal obligation towards the Membranes, and even Zim. Initially, they bristle at the perceived threat to their independence, but eventually warm to it in their own ways. Dwicky and Donovan in particular butt heads over their methods of 'parenting,' with Donovan furious at how much he danger he allows the Membrane's to get in, and Dwicky fighting against the developing familial relationship/unintended bonds he's forming with the youths he's come to be in charge of.

Tak begins to develop a strange, toxic relationship with Peter that neither party understands nor knows how to appropriately manage.

Things take a more dramatic turn for Peter when Tak announces she's aware of his infatuation, reminding him that she is not human, and incapable of reciprocating. Furthermore, she expects that his feelings will not make him less competent, and warns him not to slip into complacency.

In spite of her warnings, their partnership grows oddly affectionate, and Tak begins to loosen up, engaging in some back-and-forth and being more lenient with her orders and his tendency to be so mouthy.

Things escalate the more Tak refines her Hounds, until eventually, this little number from Ch 1 becomes relevant again:

Zim, Gaz, Dib, Dwicky, and Co. manage to locate the warehouse Tak was using to develop her Hounds on a larger scale. Unfortunately, she escapes, using the freed Hounds as a distraction. Cornered and separated, Zim and Dib are stuck in the warehouse, with Gaz and Dwicky fleeing together. During this scuffle, Gaz's secret is at last revealed: Gaz is, and has always been, partially blind. It's why she squints so much. It's the secret Rita eluded to, and one Dib has several times as well, adding cause for his protectiveness. She uses contacts developed by her father to aid in her vision, but unfortunately, during the fight, they are knocked out of her eyes, leaving her incredibly vulnerable.

Gaz and Dwicky end up hiding out in a diner.

Unfortunately for them, Tak finds them. While she cares little for Dwicky, he stands in her way. He declines her bribes, and ultimately, for his efforts, is killed, making him the first death of WoL.

That does in fact mean Dwicky, from the grave, was the chapter 1 first-person narrator.

The rest of the gang arrives too late to save him, but their intervention does give Dwicky enough time to say goodbye to 'his kids'.

Traumatized by their vulnerability, the loss of their preferred paternal figure, and death conceptually, deal with the fallout. Since Dib's uninjured, it's his turn to deal with the logistics while Gaz and Zim hide from the authorities that are (naturally) involved in the mysterious homicide of a man who's been missing for 5 years, just to show up dead in a pub.

Gaz and Zim discuss several heavy topics at length, one of which is Dwicky's Plookesian friends.

Ultimately, they decide to leave to leave that decision to Dib, being that he is the group's moral compass. They decide to bring it up when things clear up, and they have more breathing room.

Gaz's disability is also discussed, revealing more details of its origin.

Dib continues to avoid the subject of Gaz's disability, and their mother's mortality whenever Zim tries to corner him.

The children (Zim included) are cushioned as best as they can by the adult OC's. After Dwicky's death, Professor Membrane becomes involved. The trio come up with the excuse that they've hired private bodyguards (the OC's) and now need a mental health vacation, buying them some time.

Gaz is forced to sit on the sidelines until her new contacts arrive. Dib and Zim mutually refuse to leave her side. All of them nurse wounds and grief in the aftermath. Zim becomes excessively protective of the Membrane's, with he and Dib taking 'shifts' to aid Gaz in visual tasks and general day-to-day functionality while she remains blind for several days. With her vision returned, Gaz tells the truth about her mother's death.

Gaz's mother was ill, and suffered a heart attack while Gaz was home alone with her. Blind and panicking and only a toddler, Gaz miscounted her steps down the staircase in an effort to reach the phone, fell, and was injured to unconsciousness. She was found and able to recover in a hospital only to discover her mother had passed.

Wanting to keep an eye on his children and be nearby in case they need them, Professor Membrane coincidentally hosts a large conference in the city, inviting his children to attend, and painting an enormous target on his back. Tak's plans escalate, and call for the destruction of the entire conference center and all associated parades, with horrific potential regarding death tolls.

Peter finally isn't able to stomach her killing anymore, and puts his foot down, warning the Membrane's and fleeing to try and stop the plan himself, individually, as well. However, Tak catches him, and forces him into the car with her and the bombs, so that he is forced to watch her set and detonate them.

Aware of her plan, but too late to stop it, Gaz makes a decision.

Unfortunately for the Membrane's, it's not Tak who ends up dying.

Peter's death fractures the tenuous grasp of sanity Tak had been holding onto. She blames herself, but more importantly blames Zim, Dib, and Gaz.

Naturally, this escalates things further.

Tak sets loose the final stages of her plan, which is a three-hitter:

Phase 1 - Release the Hounds all across the city at the same time Phase 2 - Emulate several natural disasters, including earthquakes, tornados, fires, and floods Phase 3 - A special surprise just for the trio

PHASE 1

The trio gets separated pretty fast. If I'm remembering my original plans correctly, Dib and Zim were out scouting while Gaz was home monitoring the cameras. The OC's were in various locations across the city scouting as well when the first wave of Hounds were released, inciting riots, panic, and chaos. Zim and Dib quickly lose contact with her when cell towers begin to fail. Rather that stay home, Gaz goes looking for her sibling and love-interest, and does her best to protect people where she can.

Eventually, Gaz finds Zim and Dib in the chaos. She is however injured by a Hound in their effort to get to where Tak has set up, in a huge skyscraper in the center of the city.

She dislocates her shoulder, leaving her down an arm. They are however able to get ahold of the OC's team. Through a scrambled signal, they agree to all continue to head towards Tak's location and meeting one another there for the final battle.

Zim, Dib, and Gaz's group reaches Tak first. Not able to risk waiting for the OC's, the try to enter without them, only for Dib to be grievously injured by debris in an explosion. He collapses, the OC's arriving only in time to see Gaz captured. Zim, sensing at last how dangerous this situation has become, demands they prioritize helping Dib while he goes to rescue Gaz, forbidding anymore humans from being involved.

Zim fights his way to Tak for the final showdown.

It's revealed that Tak has created a ship, designed to send Gaz into space and explode, killing her in a bright, easily-visible-from-Earth explosion.

Eventually, they fight. Zim manages to get the upper hand, seemingly defeating Tak. He frees Gaz, celebrating briefly until Tak reveals the entirety of her Phase 3's plan.

Gaz makes the decision ultimately to sacrifice herself for the greater good, inspired by the love for her brother, the newly instilled desire to help others, and to protect Zim.

Zim, naturally, has other plans.

Zim tricks the pod, replacing Gaz, and goes inside of it. It locks behind him, preparing a countdown for launching into space. Gaz is unable to stop it, and Zim is incapable with so little time. The two say their goodbyes.

Zim is promptly launched into space. Spectators fear the worst, seeing a missile launch, but it never comes back down.

Donovan intercepts Gaz as she exits the building. She holds a PAK with a hole in it (which is not a result of Zim's fight with her, leading the reader to realize that Gaz caused that injury on her own). When asked where Zim is, Gaz only looks at the strange 'firework flare' now disappearing into the sky, leaving a series of explosions in its wake. Donovan understands the implication, and takes her home.

The tale, at last, comes to an end, but there is an epilogue.

Full Epilogue (Post In Progress)

[dropintomanga]

HIRAETH - The Middle and The End of It All

Continuing where I left off months ago, it’s time to explore the last two volumes of Yuhki Kamatani’s HIRAETH - The End of the Journey. The ending does end with a sense of loss, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t move forward despite of it.

Talk about suicide and suicidal ideation after the jump, so just a warning.

In Volume 2, the trio of Mika, Hibino, and Hani continue their trip towards the underworld, Yomotsu Hirasaka (also known as Yomi), to die. Along the way, they run into a researcher named Chihiro Awashima, who knows about Hibino’s immortality. While she wants to hopefully use the knowledge of immortality to improve the medical world, Chihiro’s also desperate to find a way to save a friend who’s dying of a terminal illness. Chihiro challenges Mika’s way of thinking (her desire to die after losing her best friend) by saying death is absolutely scary. Hibino tries to ignore Chihiro with vague answers about his immortality and once the trio makes an attempt to escape her grasp, Chihiro appears and collapses in front of them. She the admits that she lied about her friend and that she’s the one who is dying - from cancer. Chihiro then cries out in desperation how much she wants to accomplish something meaningful before dying. 

Hibino and Hani do convince Chihiro to accept her impending death and that her life still has meaning even if she doesn’t feel like it. There’s something Hani to Chihiro says that made me think.

“You believe the meaning of human life is to accomplish something before you die. How fascinating. While I thought of nothing but I was letting go...”

I listened to a podcast about this whole chase to find meaning in life. Sure, meaning means more than happiness. But I now wonder if we’re all being gamified to find meaning/purpose or else we’ll never be successful. It feels no different than trying to be a “personal brand” and sacrificing your mental health for it. It’s okay to accept that things can be meaningless; it doesn’t change the fact that there’s still things worth living for in life. Chihiro’s search for immortality felt like she wanted to feel pragmatically useful to someone who may need her because society told her to.

Near the end of Volume 2, Hani mysterious vanishes in front of Mika and Hibino. The think about how their life turned out as a god. They wondered why they decided to hang around Mika and humor her wish to die. Hani then realizes that there’s a cherished memory they long forgot. A flashback of when Hani and Hibino first met happens. It turns out that Hani was the soulmate Hibino was searching for. Hani returns and while the reunion is a happy one, everyone will go their separate ways the closer they get to Yomi.

At the start of Volume 3, Hibino encounters an old man he met a long time ago, which causes him to unlock traumatic memories of the people who died before him. Hibino keeps a notebook of said people’s words for his memory’s sake and now wants to get rid of it as he feels trapped by them. Mika refuses to let Hibino throw everything away. Hani jumps into the conversation via violent fashion as they felt insulted by Hibino’s actions because they strongly feel memories should be treasured.

The focus on memory becomes important as Hibino reveals that he knew about Hani for a long time and the two already met a long time ago in ancient Japan. After being around each other for a few years, Hani ends up having to disappear. Hibino and Hani would make a promise that they would meet again if somehow Hibino ends up losing his immortality. Yet that memory was long forgotten until Hani displayed insecurity over how they will be remembered, which triggered Hibino’s remembrance.

The subject of holding onto painful memories can be a tricky one to navigate. In modern society, there’s often a bunch of victim blaming towards people who can’t seem to move on from losing loved ones. We’re always told to move forward and ignore the grief that comes with such memories. But as HIRAETH shows, if an immortal and a god struggle with grief and despair, why would anyone think humans can do better?

The ending is a bittersweet one. Hani eventually disappears, but is glad Hibino treasured him. Hibino dies right after Hani disappears. Mika is about to join the afterlife with no hesitation to see her best friend who died, but decides to go back to the world of the living after hearing a bird sing. She credits the new memories she made with Hani and Hibino that made her re-think her desire to die. 

The most touching part of the end is when Chihiro re-appears in the final chapter. She tells Mika that Hibino reached out to her to take care of his personal affairs (which were trivial) before his eventual passing. Both Mika and Chihiro laugh over Hibino’s actions. And Mika says one of the most powerful lines regarding loss with a huge smile on her face.

“I'm so weird. I can’t shake how sad I feel, but here I am, laughing.” 

I’m gonna get into something I haven’t really talked about here. 4 years ago, a pet bird of mine died after having him for 12 years. The morning he died, I saw him looking very ill. I left for work and came home to find him dead. I was in a state of disbelief and sadness. I did tell some of my friends about my pet bird’s death and one of them told me to celebrate their life. Although I’m not going to pretend that my pet bird thought like a human, he looked like he had fun while he was alive because he sung quite a lot in loud and happy fashion. I laugh now when I think about the times my bird made me smile with his behaviors.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve been reading up on grief and ways to talk about it without dismissing the subject entirely. One thing that stood out to me was when someone talks about a loved one who passed away, the first thing asked is “What happened to them?” I think people do this because they want to be certain that whatever befell the person who died won’t happen to them. A better thing to say is “Tell me more about them. Tell me how they lived. Tell me what were they liked. Tell me your favorite memories of them.”

There’s a huge collective silence that subtly makes its mark when talking about emotional memories. There’s cases where people might be deemed “too emotional” and put on a “someone to avoid” list. However, if you really want to feel connected to someone, being a bit more emotional than usual is what makes relationships stronger, not weaker.

People going through grief often don’t get a proper chance to talk about the ones they lost with love. There needs to be a better collective response in giving opportunities to them to speak out. Accepting death and all it brings is what really moves us to treasure and move forward in life. At least, that’s what Kamatani is trying to say with HIRAETH and their approach in talking about death.

HIREATH is an amazing manga that talks about a subject rarely talked about in Western culture. It’s uncomfortable to read at times due to so much focus on facing one’s mortality, but the characters make you feel alive and ensure that it’s okay to face it when you have the people you love at your side. And more importantly, accepting the pain of the past can lead to a present and future that you want to fight for and cherish.

To quote a BBC article on the subject of hiraeth (which is a concept in the country of Wales and the source of inspiration for the manga),

"It (Hiraeth) can be quite revealing, in a way. It can give you an idea of how you want to live, so you can try to embody that happiness and bring it with you into everyday life."

[thebirdandhersong]

final Last Jedi thoughts after some grumpy reflection and inner debate (there IS in fact a change in perspective on Kylo Ren involved):

While this movie is a mess, it had some genuinely beautiful and good moments. However, those genuinely beautiful and good moments are overwhelmed and drowned out by the sheer amount of nonsense going on. This has been the most frustrating and draining viewing experience I've had, and I sat through all of Multiverse of Madness when it came out in theatres.

Most of the emotional beats were mistimed and jarring (i.e. there are many potentially effective and compelling ways one could help the audience learn about Rose’s backstory and build the developing friendship between Rose and Finn. Rose narrating it to us detail by detail while they’re supposed to be HURRYING and finding that hacker so that they can get to the ship so that they can disable the whatsit ASAP to SAVE THEIR FRIENDS is not one of them). Dramatic and world-changing revelations fall a bit flat and left me quite cold--either because of awkward working in the script or awkward timing. The half-baked 'journeys' of Rey's development as a competent Jedi who can handle a lightsaber and understand what the Force actually IS and DOES, and Luke Skywalker's whole deal (this is its own category. I have not the patience to hash this one out because many others have done it already and have done so more eloquently than I could) stagger about in the landscape of a bloated plotline rather aimlessly. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

But there WERE interesting parts, or at least thought-provoking parts. I quite liked that Rey was the first person who saw all the horrors, atrocities, violence, misery, and pain of Kylo Ren's past and present, and still offered him her hand with gentleness and compassion. Much of my dislike for Kylo Ren comes from a gut reaction. He terrified me for half the movie (not being accustomed to that level of unhinged rage in a character, much less a person in real life, I started every time he raised his voice) and stressed me out in the second half (I increasingly found his behaviour infantile and morally terrible). But I think that's kind of the point. He's a villain and is meant to be presented as the dark to Rey's light (though I must say I didn't see much of that in this movie). I've been told that he's redeemed in the third movie. So it makes sense that the story would drag him to rock bottom before he learns how to fly. After reflecting on his character a while, I found that there were good reasons in making him so unpredictable, violent, and freely indulgent in his vices.

The deeper point, though, is that we get those little flickers of humanity: sorrow, pain, regret (a TEENSY little bit), the great abyss of loneliness and misery, the desire for human connection. The inability to kill his mother when given the chance. The vulnerability that slowly emerges. He IS a villain, and demonstrates levels of villainy that made my head hurt. But it all came down to this:

The questions of "Is [X Evil Person] Irredeemable? Is There Such Thing As Too Far Gone? What Makes a Monster and What Makes a Man?" are central to the story. I think the answer to the "Is Redemption Possible For One Who Has Succumbed To Darkness?" (a question that Star Wars has historically said Yes Of Course to, even in characters like Anakin–there ARE cracks... that IS how the light will get in) is yes.

Do I have the patience to make it through ANOTHER 2.5 hour movie involving Kylo Ren's screaming fits to make it through to the redemption part, though? I'm still thinking on that. It may be worth it just to see him rid of that rage and loneliness. Those who don't deserve redemption and forgiveness are the ones who most need it, after all.

[dream-this-nightmare-over]

Shaun Evans imagine

You can find more of my imagines in my book Imagines on wattpad.

He was down there throwing lavish party in my garden for people who hated my name, pearl skin and necklines in sunlight, raybans, loud music and world i dont belong in he brough them here and didnt even ask me if i am okay with it

He should have known from absence of my smile but he never took time to learn tides of my heart

While i was watchng it all from upstairs window

Curtains flowing between us

Each on one side coming in style banners of silk baby come get your crown when you  call me yours don't you know i would do anything to see you satisfied

You are in blue it suits you so well

You dont anymore wait for ride

You made yourself known that you are one of knights here to stay

We are hiding so they dont catch a glimpse

It irks you to see me anything but happy

Smiling in sunlight

It's casual intimacy that we find in every place just one glance and presence is enough

Ed comes stands between us facing the scene

We stand on sides in curtains

Ed knows by now where my heart lies so he isnt surprised to see you here

You are part of family by now

One of meadow royals

He has very important audition for couple of days and he cant put up with licentious youth. Our meadow is not used to souless debauchery

We are coming up with ideas how to put a stop to all of it

He comes in with someone on his arm but still calls me babe after i tell him there is no more chmpaign

You just stand there all ready to be smart and throw snarky remark but you don't because you are lost trying to come up with world in which i deserve to be treated like this

And i see it takes everything in you not to show how much you care but you wont give away our fairytale in hiding

And i imagine myself dying down on pebbles on driveway in midst of party and him crying, his tears on my lips because underneath all the recklessness he cared otherwise he wouldnt start this charade

But them i reprimand myself for thinking that way and wonder if i romanticize something violent only because i have another pair of hands to fall into if i think of death because i can still sell my youth

Should i leave you in memories before you grow bitter and time makes you disappoint me

and

go with sunlight boys into sunrise of masquerade balls and modernity that will make us hate each other even if we cant speak from love we hold for one another

or

shall i come home to peace you built and step out from behind curtains, free as bird on breeze, unafraid because you are there

and

leave the golden boy to someone else even if it will break his heart that loved me in its own recklessly restless way?

You are apparition transparent mirage of my heavy heart, ethereal promise of days passing but love stays the same as curtains fly on breeze You are mirage on sunny day there but not really there mine but never fully mine because words are too heavy they will sink us before we find courage to reach for the other side You are not him You are more sophisticated you don't throw blame like a bait for end you don't have balls to spell out

In between curtains you are ghost that will disappear if I reach out like particles of dreams I dream translucent stardust I can't keep nor make mine

I am stuck in cage i confined myself to for i hold the key to my freedom fears mean it's worth it i know every lock combination but my mind is lost in daydreams comfortable is killing potential the trill the need to leave please save me from myself give me some of your valour i want to be knight too i know i can be i just need someone to recognize my skill i dont want to live behind curtains with shadows forever i am human i am alive i wasnt born to hide and live out someone's else idea of who i should become 

I feel hand finding mine

And I can breath

Everything will be alright if you never stop believing impossible is possible just beyond the curtain of self imposed fears and doubts.

Tear down that curtain and step into the garden that's growing from your brilliance.