#and how to process grief and whatnot

[meanderfall]

something about the way Livane says "The Netherworld is for the Living" really gets to me, and has been echoing in my mind ever since i first heard it, probably a decade ago

[cr4yolaas]

second best (pt 2) — iwaizumi hajime

notes: at last, the heavily requested part 2 to this fic !! i really hope it met a lot of your guys’ standards — i tried my best to take as much of your requests into account ^_^ i rlly dislike m the flow of this … but hopefully u guys still enjoy LOL

tags: angst → (bittersweet?) fluff, depressive episode (reader), swearing (once), a longgg process of grief and healing and whatnot, alcoholism (only briefly), roommate! tsukishima, best friend! oikawa, tsukishima does NOT have feelings for you, not proofread and quite long

taglist (incl. everyone who asked for a pt 2 !!): @altumsomnum @gennaray @romanticandupsetting @multi-fandom-fanfic

it was tuesday.

a frigid air pierced your limbs and left you to rot away, with the windows shut tight and the door locked. there was no mistakening the dark bags hanging beneath your eyes or the flakes of skin peeling from your bottom lip, nor the soft pleas of your stomach or the iciness of your fingertips. you basked in eternal slumber and silence and darkness and whatnot, save for the ticks of a clock that was 14 minutes behind and the hum of the air conditioning.

you were not frightened in the slightest. the warning signs plastered on your flesh were no great concern, and you could not fathom the idea of having to function again. it was horribly consuming.

with a groan, you released yourself from bed, your legs trembling under the mere weight of the air. you avoided the collections of trash and clothes splayed across the floor, being careful not to disturb the peace that had formed over the past handful of weeks. the sight of the kitchen was much more refreshing.

you were locked in stasis. contrary to the comfort these walls once provided, they now served as a a form of imprisonment, designed to allow the grief and the sorrow and the anger and the guilt to coalesce and spill over. it was terribly suffocating — you wished to escape.

gently, you poured a cup of water (not that you drank more than a sip, anyways). a thought passed your mind.

you needed to leave.

sendai was a home you could not find solace in anymore. gone was the youth encapsulated in the mountaintops and the hidden pathways and the convenience stores, and no longer could you feel at ease when faced with the neighborhoods you familiarized yourself with as a child.

your new apartment was shared with an old face — one you had only seen glances of in high school, notorious for his glasses and upfront attitude. he bore no hesitance when taking you in. instead, he was grateful for your presence, as if splitting the rent with him had taken off his life’s burden off of his shoulders.

he was quick to set ground rules — laundry days were on saturdays, trash needed to be taken out on sundays, the dish washer had to be clear at the end of the day, all groceries were shared, so on and so forth. you weren’t sure if you could keep up.

it took one week for him to actually conversate.

“why did you come back here?” he questioned, with a tone that implied he knew of you for years upon years (which would be false).

you picked at the skin of your lip. “why do you ask?”

“no reason. just curious.”

in a burst of energy, you recounted the tales of your past life, one of love and youth and joy; of the old apartment, of your past hobbies, of hajime. his gaze was so distant that you weren’t sure if he was listening at all.

in return, he expressed brief apologies and turned the story to himself — he discussed his volleyball career, his teammates, how he felt somewhat disconnected from his high school friends. he did not care to mention the exhaustion riddled into the pores on your face nor the weakness of your voice. that was all you needed. a conversation, not comfort.

only an hour later did he remind you of his name — tsukishima kei — and it was only then that you realized you had moved into an apartment without taking any precautions whatsoever. he laughed when you informed him of the situation.

this was not yet a home, but it was a house. and that was sufficient.

a month had passed before tsukishima forced you to get a job. he was clearly not a fool — at some point (you couldn’t tell when), he realized you were paying off your share of the rent with your life savings, which irked him ever so slightly.

“do you plan on moving out and dying on the streets when you run out?” he complained, despite the concern laced in the fluctuations of his voice.

you began working at his former high school coach’s family store. the owner himself was welcoming — he didn’t question your circumstances nor your physical state, and merely mentioned in passing that he was “given a token of appreciation from a prized student.”

and so began the cycle. on weekday mornings, you would depart for work and tsukishima would leave for practice. occasionally, he would pack you lunch (“only because i had leftovers,” he’d say) or leave a can of coffee on the counter for you. you would work at the register until the amalgamation of students died down, and once you were left with an empty store, you would take a break and go on a walk (as requested by your boss). then, you would return in the afternoon to serve the same population of children, handing them their ice cream and their sandwiches and whatnot. when they all disappeared, the coach would let you free and dismiss you with a “good work today, let’s do it again tomorrow.”

returning home was your favorite part of the schedule. a majority of the time, tsukishima arrived later than you, leaving you to your own time until he came home with dinner and a drink.

it was a monotonous cycle, but enjoyable nonetheless.

“i’m cutting off the beer for a month,” tsukishima exclaimed one warm summer night. you left your room to see him collecting unopened bottles and discarding them in a trash bag with little regard. you could only frown.

“those are all going to waste, we haven’t even opened them,” you groaned.

there was no response from the man as he continued to clear the apartment of any alcohol, akin to a parent cleansing their child’s home. before you could protest any further, he shut the door behind him and the crashing of bottles against one another could be heard beside the building.

tsukishima re-entered the apartment with empty hands and furrowed brows. “what’s up with the shitty face?” you asked from the couch.

he clicked his tongue at your comment and bore no response, instead letting his eyes wander to the screen in front of you. the morning news was playing, as usual. and yet, it was so wrong.

the screen flashed to a familiar face, one clad with a slight grin and sweat spread over his skin. his hair had grown slightly and his complexion had darkened, evidence of his labor. but most of all, he looked happy. his eyes screamed with a passion you hadn’t seen before, and despite his haggard appearance, he seemed to be content.

you did not see tsukishima rushing to turn off the television. you did not see the screen turn black, and you did not hear the noise diminish. you did not see tsukishima’s face adjacent to yours.

“hey. let’s go outside,” he muttered before moving to pull you up and out of the house

a delicate breeze washed over you both. the sun began to kiss you goodbye, and the noon crept up in its wake, leaving both of you in the dark.

“he looked so happy,” you whispered. “i don’t know what i’m doing wrong.”

you watched tsukishima light a cigarette in your peripherals, his lighter evidently battered and marred from heavy use. he made no move to offer one to you. “you’re not doing anything wrong,” he spoke firmly, although you could tell he was struggling to formulate the right combination of words in his head. “he’s just… going along a different path.”

“it should’ve been us on the same path. i feel so stupid. he’s gone on to do such great things, and i… what am i doing?”

tsukishima didn’t push the conversation any further. you were grateful.

a week had passed before tsukishima told you he had gotten you a new job, one deeper in the city. on an early sunday morning, he presented a uniform and badge to you, your name imprinted on both. the effort made you smile.

at some point, a new cycle formed. the museum was a far cry from the run down family store, and tsukishima taught you how to welcome it with an open mind and open arms. he never did mention the exact reason for the new occupation, nor did he tell you why he was so adamant on enforcing routine in your life. nonetheless, you appreciated it.

the mundanity that your new job encapsulated was slightly more enjoyable than that of your former job. exploring the concrete rooms filled with statues and paintings and whatnot was a sufficient way to pass the time. every now and then, you’d catch your roommate detailing a specific sculpture to a curious visitor, the scene contrasting his typical behavior. not that you would ever mention it to him, though.

a new routine was not unwelcome, but it did not feel impactful anymore. you still burned blue in the night, your bones aching with reminiscence over a lost life. your hands and legs still knew tokyo; they still knew the morning commutes and the bustling cafés and the chirping crosswalks and your own home, one that had been so devastatingly haunted by grief. your heart still knew the morning calls and the evening texts and the handfuls upon handfuls of promises made on once solid territory, and yet, you knew to return to it was to betray yourself.

you missed iwaizumi hajime.

rather, you missed the life that you formulated in his presence, opposed to the shambles you had grown comfortable in now that you were back home. tsukishima had carved a clay pot for your worn soul, and yet you could not help but yearn for the comfort and stability and routine you established in a past life.

the soft padding of feet echoed outside your door. soft strings of light streamed under your door as your roommate entered the kitchen, his actions indiscernible as he maneuvered about carefully. you decided to step out to greet him.

a startled tsukishima turned around to face you. “what are you still doing up?” he interrogated, albeit not in offense. “it’s late. we have work tomorrow.”

“but i don’t want to go to work. i want to go home,” you protested. you felt childish all over again — the thirst for selfishness was one that could not escape you, even now. an overwhelming desire to be in control of your own life.

tsukishima furrowed his brows. “to tokyo?” you nodded. “okay… then let’s go to tokyo.” he paid no mind to the slanted smile that transformed your lips, instead opting to turn away and fill up his bottle. “but why?”

“i need to escape,” you sighed, as if releasing a burden that had been lingering for a moment too long. “i need change. i just- i feel so stuck. i need to live.”

he merely hummed in agreement before uttering a comment about your poor sleeping schedule and ushering you back to bed.

tokyo was a city of hopes and dreams and noise. the shift from sendai’s cicada lullabies and whispers in the wind to the incessant chatter and obnoxious roads of the city was significant — any pedestrian would notice the irritation on you and tsukishima’s faces.

the inn he picked was small, yet slightly more comfortable than your current abode. the owners were kind and your neighbors were quiet, save for the occasional drunk couple. it was a life you remembering living, but not one you yearned for any longer.

in the night, you would both visit various attractions and markets and restaurants, with tsukishima insisting on paying for your meals (“as thanks for getting a life,” he argued). for that handful of days, you bore a smile that you weren’t sure would grace your lips ever again, for there was an adolescence in the evening activities that mended the remnants of your spirit. you felt whole.

on the last day, you brought tsukishima to a ramen house nearby the inn and promised to pay for the meal. it was a tuesday, again.

for reasons you could not discover, that appeared to be one of the busiest nights for the establishment — moments after you had settled, a line began to form, and the tables were crowded with families and friend groups and dates alike.

amidst the composition of metropolitans stood a man you wished you didn’t have to see. as if it were punishment, he locked his eyes with yours, the shock in his complimenting your dread.

you watched as he excused himself from his group while ignoring the cheers and shouts about him “shooting his shot.” tsukishima observed in tandem, seemingly reading the situation from a distance despite sitting right across from you.

you noticed the bold athletic trainer embroidered onto his chest, and the fitted red shirt he wore that matched those of his team. beads of sweat compiled on his forehead — you weren’t sure if it was from the density of the room or his exhaustion or anxiety. a small part of you hoped it was the second option.

“hey,” he began. “can- can we speak outside?”

you could not help but oblige.

hajime seemed to have developed an obsession with fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. you noticed the frayed strands on a spot that aligned perfectly with his hand, and you nearly laughed.

he coughed into his fist before rambling. “i’m sorry. i know you definitely don’t want to see me, and it’s not wrong of you at all to feel that way, but i just- i’ve thought about you- no, i think about you every day up until now. i know i don’t deserve you at all, and me being here is probably super upsetting, but-“

“hajime.”

the way you called his name seemed to deteriorate him and his principles. you finally felt otherwise.

“i really, really, didn’t want to see you at all. i don’t even want the thought of you to pass my mind. i’ve built a life outside of you and i’m tired of you interrupting it.” you witnessed his heart, mind, and body freeze simultaneously.

“i- i understand that, i know, i’m sorry. i’ve been- i’ve been reflecting a lot recently and i’ve known i was horribly in the wrong and i’m ashamed to have done nothing about it, and i know this sounds really, really dumb but i wish i had just stayed with you for that extra day because- because i don’t think i can go any longer without you now that i have you here, in front of me. could we- can we at least… keep in touch?” he seemed to speak without limitations, akin to a leaking clay pot. he was distressed, evidently. but you no longer saw his face and thought of guilt and love and yearning; you held no space for him.

you shook your head gently. “hajime, i don’t want you in my life anymore. you achieved your dreams, and i’m working on finding mine. that’s how it was meant to be.”

if not for the small lamp above the two of you, you would not have noticed the tears spilling onto his face. you bore no sympathy — with a goodbye and a small wave, you left him in the alley with a heavy heart and saline tears.

to witness him before you had awakened the truth riddled in your sinew and bloodstream: iwaizumi hajime was no longer a necessity. a truth that had cowered away beneath guilt and fragility and shame had uncovered itself, and for once, you breathed a full breath.

oikawa seemed so vibrant on the other side of your screen, the argentinian sun kissing his skin almost perfectly. “…i miss you lots!! i’ll visit soon, maybe, and we can catch up and maybe go get coffee and then debrief and then…” he trailed off with an aloof grin, his words spilling out from your phone and reverberating around the living room. tsukishima stood in the kitchen, the sound of his deliberate chopping and washing contesting oikawa’s voice. “but anyways, i’ll see you soon! byebye!!”

you waved goodbye and hung up, leaving only the noise of your roommate’s cooking. a loud groan left his lips in the midst of his mixing, followed by a complaint about how irritable your friend’s voice was. you could only laugh.

gentle strings of moonlight spilled into the apartment through the kitchen window, the songs of the evening falling upon both of you and your shared comfort. tomorrow was your off day, granting you both an opportunity for an actual meal. tsukishima (begrudgingly) agreed to make your favorite dish, with the request that you’d make his favorite dessert next week.

“thank you for the meal,” you whispered. tonight would consist of good food and a relaxing night, and tomorrow would entail a day of rest and a weekly reset, along with another call with oikawa. with marred hands and a porcelain heart, you had managed at last to craft a solid life — steady health, steady friends, and a steady routine.

you would no longer be second best to anything, and that was sufficient enough.

[angeliteeyes]

Multifandom: Caleb (LADS), Castorice and Sparkle (HSR), Ei and Ganyu (GI)

I adore aus where the characters are aware of you in some way even though they're still in another world. My favorite of those concepts is an au where instead of them being your favorite gacha characters, you're THEIR fave.

I like to imagine that this version of them doesn't take place in their reality that we know of ingame. Instead, it's more of a modern au where they're just as chronically online and cringe as us lmao. Spamming their social media accounts when you get a new card (or whatever your game does) in all caps, falling asleep to videos of you talking. Maybe even writing long, angry replies on Reddit defending you and how you're best char. Here's some of the characters I feel particularly suit this idea

cw: mental illness (they're gacha addicts what else would you expect lol), mentions of death, light angst for some characters

-Caleb-

Listen, I can't NOT talk about Caleb here. This concept is practically made for his clingy, traumatized ass.

In this version of him, I imagine he started out pretty normal for a while actually, making friends pretty easily in his youth and all of that. Slowly but surely, though, things shifted. Family deaths piled up at an age where he just wasn't ready to handle that kind of emotional burden and... well, you know how guy friendships can be. He didn't really feel like he could turn to any of his real friends the way that he desperately needed to stop his entire world from falling apart.

And then there was your bright smile on his screen all of a sudden. He'd seen ads for the game you're in before, but he never got around to actually trying it out. Until that fateful day. After having gone through yet another funeral, his brain felt so fried and tired that he barely even processed his finger movements as he went through all the install screens, clicking the repetitive buttons and whatnot.

It's not like there's something wrong with the other characters or anything. They're fine and all, but he quickly started to realize just how much you stood out to him. How soothing everything about you was, as if you were actually there telling him everything would be okay. It doesn't take very long before he's full-on obsessed with you.

As a fan, he'd be so so pathetically jealous. Of course, he logically understands that he can't stop other people from looking at you, pulling for you, loving you... But holy hell if he doesn't want to just have you for himself, as ridiculous and impossible the notion is. He's the type of dude who'd legit get so heated over seeing someone mischaracterize you that he'd either send them a 1000 word rant or insta-block them. No in-between.

And yes, he would listen to your sweet voice every time he feels particularly lonely or grief hits too hard. You aren't going to judge him for crying, after all.

-Castorice-

Castorice in a modern au, in my opinion, would totally be a hospice worker. Ever since she was a child, she's had a knack for finding injured animals and would cradle them in her palms each and every time until they took their last breath. She's like an angel attracted to poor, suffering souls. Unfortunately, her young kid mind misinterprets the situation and believes she's cursed instead. It ultimately culminates into a full-blown phobia of touching people with both of her hands; it's just that ingrained in her that holding someone equals death.

Thankfully, as she gets older, she manages to cope with her fears a little better by putting her talent to good use. Whenever a patient in her care clearly expresses that they're ready to go, she's more than happy to help them pass on. But... it's still so achingly lonely. A real romantic relationship doesn't even process as an option to her, because, yknow. Physical intimacy.

That's why she grows so painfully attached to you, viewing you as her only real hope of having the lover she yearns for. Sure, she's not delusional. She knows you have a screen permanently forcing you two apart, but that's even better in her book. This way, her curse will never, ever harm you.

Castorice would absolutely be part of the hugging-a-pillow-and-imagining-it's-you club. Every single night, without fail, she wraps her arms and legs around her body pillow while imagining you. How warm you would actually be in her arms. She'd even go as far as to spray a scent on it—whatever reminds her the most of you while she's out shopping one day and picks it up.

As far as her online presence, she's definitely on the calmer side. Her account is filled to the brim with wholesome fanart of you, both reblogs and her own works. If anyone talks smack about you, she'll just block them and cleanse her soul with that adorable birthday art of you. Why waste precious energy on them when you're here to love and adore?

-Sparkle-

Sparkle is THE number one online troll, you can't convince me otherwise. Everyone else hates her so much, but somehow, they can never get rid of her presence. Aw, they blocked her newest account? Too bad, she's already got 3 other ones ready to go. But no matter how many times it changes, one thing remains consistent: that damn profile picture of you.

In a bizarre way, her determination to troll combined with your face being plastered next to her username kinda lets her... claim you? Nobody else would dare to use that photo of you as their profile pic, at least. It's not exactly the most orthodox way of showing her affection for you, but it gets similar results.

Now, everyone hates her and all, but most people have learned by now that she's best handled through methods like ignoring or blocking her. If they do that, typically Sparkle's attention wanes and she moves along to her next victim. But one person, one damn person, takes things too far. They start spamming insults towards you in her dms, tagging her in hate posts about you, everything to get under her skin. And it works like a charm. She's literally seething behind her dusty computer screen, losing her mind at every stupid notification sound.

Let's just say, that person won't be using social media again any time soon. Not once she's done with them.

-Ei-

It feels a bit strange, this version of Ei. Trust me when I say that every ounce of elegance and social skills her Genshin counterpart has flat-out doesn't exist in this world. I'm talking doesn't brush her hair most days, constant eyebags, won't even order at a drive-thru due to needing to talk to others, the works. It's not even necessarily that she's got social anxiety or anything like that. Ei plain old doesn't like people in this au, or at least, anyone other than you.

You're her rock that keeps her going every day. Why bother "making friends" when you're already here by her side every day? Why bother "taking care of her appearance" when you love her all the same? Her parents tried so hard to intervene and force her to act normal. They took away her devices and even forced her into therapy for as long as they legally could, but she just... wouldn't change. When they took her phone and computer, they'd expected her to switch hobbies. Maybe she'd pick up reading again. But every time they peek into her room, she's just sitting there with a vacant, empty expression. They can't hear it, but in her mind, you're still there right next to her keeping her company. It's honestly so heartbreaking to watch that they give up and let her have everything back again.

Truly, nothing else matters to her but you.

Unlike the others, she actually wouldn't have any social media presence whatsoever. Ei's stuck so far in her delusional attachment to you that she barely even can register the fact that she isn't your actual friend or partner. How could you not be, when you're together every moment of every day?

-Ganyu-

Ganyu's honestly probably the only one here with a genuinely healthy attachment level toward you, even if she admittedly uses you a lot to cope with her insecurities. You're just so, so sweet to her, having so many uplifting voice lines.

Her absolute favorite card of you is one where you're eating pastries with your game's mc. It comes with a corresponding unlockable event, where you encourage them to eat as much as they want. You even reassure them that no matter how they look or how much they weigh, you'll always love them. Essentially, you give Ganyu a free therapy session, and one that she greatly needs.

As much as she loves you, work forces her into being a filthy casual. Don't worry, though! She always makes time for limited content with you in it, like event stories and cards. Plus, she earns so much from her hard work. She can afford to spend an extra hundred... or five hundred... on duplicates of you. Even if your game's company is greedy as all hell, she still takes pride in funding them. If your game ever got the dreaded end-of-service announcement... she doesn't know what she'd do.

Her whale habits carry into social media, where she pays the bills of so many artists. They practically view her as a saint, both for how often she commissions them and for how willing she is to pay full price. Her? She's just happy to have all this extra content of you to admire. What a sweetheart ♡

[ghoulzt]

I like the parallel of both Izuku and Ochaco being each other's heroes, like when Izuku was undergoing his vigilante arc and was brought back to UA, Ochaco's declaration of how everyone is fighting an unseen battle beyond the public, asking those to truly see Izuku, and seeing themselves in each other, and her quote "True heroism lies not in the victory and glory, but in standing side by side with one another". A call to arms and a plea for understanding and patience, in that scene she's really laying it down, and when someone asks her if she expects them to get down in the mud she responds with "The heroes are the ones getting dirty!" not dismissing the civilian's willingness to help and whatnot but for them to understand Midoriya's situation. But, in the show, Ochako sees Izuku as a good role model for heroism, inspiring her to focus on her career path and help others in need, Izuku.

And on Izuku's part when Ochako finally broke down from bottling up her emotions while trying to process Toga's death, as she finally expressed her grief and guilt by not doing enough to try and save Toga, Izuku is there listening, offering emotional comfort and understanding, helping her process the complex feelings surrounding Toga's sacrifice. Izuku is there listening, validating her emotions, and providing a shoulder to lean on while grieving. Also, with him saying "You're my hero too, Ochako !" expressing to her that she inspires him and acts as a positive role model, like he does with Allmight, with her kindness, support, and belief in him when in times he even doubted himself. Idk if I'm making sense but I'm rambling but they mean so much to me ommfshsdhhfcgsuydghf

thank you for listening to my TedTalk <3

[browneyedartist01]

Tamlin next love interest should a women in her late 30's whose been in a healthy relationship before meeting Tamlin. A Sophie to his Howl if you will, who isn't afraid to tell him how she feels and who pushes Tamlin to not only talk about their problems but to also fix the problems.

Her name could be Janet, and she could have been born to a human lord but she ran away from her arranged marriage to elope with a blacksmith. She moved closer to the wall and picks up the trade of a healer to help with moeny and her husband could die a few years before the start of acotar that way she's can be out of her grieving stage and won't feel as guilty for falling for Tamlin.

Speaking of Tamlin, because of his own trauma and grief of losing everything, spring could not be functioning properly or the humans could be trapped in winter well beyond the usual time.

Janet could see this and decide to sneak into the fairy world to fix the problem only to find the ruined spring court and monster tamlin.

The two agree to work together to rebuilding both their worlds, the spring court turns into an different more wild form of a fairy court (aka what a fairy court should be) and the human world becomes more accepting of fae.

Janet uses both her skills as a healer and the skills she was taught to run house holds to repair the court with Tamlin skills of a warrior and his magic to not only fix his court but to protect the human world too from evil faires, creating acotar worlds wild hunt.

Over time Janet would gain the respect of not only the court but of the mother who would turn Janet into a fae and the first real high lady of not only the spring court, but of any other courts in fairy land.

She basically become a persephone or gaia fae where she has domain over all of plants, while tamlin domain over all beasts, and she makes new plants to cure diseases and whatnot for humans/fae.

She and Tamlin obviously fall in love, but their not fated mates, which makes Tamlin worry because ya'know, it's a big deal for him. But Janet dosen’t care, so she's like; "I'm not going to have kids with another fae because a pot thinks we could have powerful children."

Oh, also Tamlin and Lucian repair their friendship, while Elaine and Janet bound over flowers and baking, so Elaine decides to leave the night court to becomes a lady of Janet’s court and marries Lucian in the process.

The end.

[cheecats]

To soothe you from your Riverstar's Home trauma, how about you ramble about oneripple?

YOU'RE SO KIND FOR LETTING ME GO OFF ABOUT THIS TY TY 💞💞💞 I'm terrible at structuring logical/coherent rambles, so I'll just dump some thoughts I have (obv these exclude Riverstar's Home and are roughly how I'd like to play with their dynamic [give them to me NOW erins!!])

LONG POST UNDER CUT!

Obviously this is way before the mountain cats arrive. BIG FAN of the idea that River Ripple and his small circle at the time were the ones to help One Eye and baby Star Flower get back on their feet after the two lost the rest of their family to the sickness we see again in TBS (I imagine One Eye had already treated them with the Blazing Star, but the two were still so terribly weak and unwell after that.) The group find the two living inside a rotting hollow and approach them. One Eye is, naturally, EXTREMELY aggressive and reclusive at first — distressed from sickness, grief, and fear of losing his tiny daughter, for he hasn't been strong enough to feed them much. The other cats are nervous around him, unwilling to approach the tom for his sheer size and ferocity, even if he is weakened. But not River Ripple. He understands why he is acting this way, that his aggression is a defense mechanism to mask his fear, and ultimately wishes to convey to One Eye that he is not going to do anything to them without his explicit permission first: and he sticks to that promise! Every day he sits outside the makeshift shelter with food, asking permission to come inside, leaving prey, water and herbs at the entrance if One Eye is asleep or simply says no. He never challenges it, and simply obliges and wishes him and Star Flower well. It is through this gradual process that One Eye begins to somewhat relax around River Ripple, allowing ONLY him to come inside, communicating his and Star Flower's needs and whatnot (Vulnerability moment!!)

Although she was too young to remember, once she began to recover, Star Flower was always excited when River Ripple visited, coming up to him, chasing his tail, and telling him all about her big adventures (all just made up ones, but River Ripple would always listen and ask her questions about them!) One Eye initially doesn't take well to Star Flower going up to the near-stranger, pulling her back or growling at River Ripple to back off. But over time, he sees that the risk is minimal, and the two never leave his sight while interacting. Besides, it stops Star Flower pestering him to entertain her for just a bit (also I just find this funny because adult Star Flower can barely recall this and River Ripple is just looking at her like omg you've gotten so tall now!!! I remember when you used to tell me how you beat up monsters and dogs 🤭💙!!)

SO LIKE skipping the recovery period, and now One Eye and Star Flower are more present outside … One Eye falls first. He initially is bothered by this, still grieving the loss of his mate and their other kits moons ago. But the feeling is nonetheless there. It's complicated, because at first he had every intention of claiming the area for himself and pushing River Ripple & his friends out… but as much as he tried to resent River Ripple's philosophy, there was just something so…. soothing yet powerful in the way he carried himself. He realises he actually enjoys his company, which is also weird for him! One Eye has lived among opportunistic cats his entire life, learning that being aggressive and domineering is the only way to make it, and that the passive and meek were destined to be crushed. But River Ripple is a curious example to him. He is gentle and patient, but completely capable of establishing boundaries and shutting down veins of discussion that belittle or threaten him. He would call out One Eye's bullshit every single time, but in a way that didn't escalate the situation. His heart was soft and his identity was strong in that. Kindness without weakness??? In MY Warrior Cats??? Impossible??? (Erins: yes it's impossible. 🗿)

Anyway, montage of One Eye giving terrible rizz and making a complete fool of himself 90% of the time — getting frustrated and defensive while everyone else is like🧍‍♂️. River Ripple is confused at first, but slowly begins to catch on. He finds it both amusing and sweet… and yeah! He realises he does feel the same way! He always found One Eyes protectiveness of Star Flower warming, found his intelligence to be engaging, and he genuinely believes there is good in the tom's heart (me shaking my head slowly.)

First date? Swimming lesson! One Eye is terrible! He's half drowned, scrabbling onto River Ripple every .2 seconds, and hates how pathetic it makes him look. But River Ripple is patient, assuring him that they can always try again some other time, and that it took him a while to get used to it too <:)

^ I feel like it's important to emphasize that One Eye genuinely feels like he can relax around River Ripple. That this cat doesn't have any ulterior motivation to trick him or take from him. Nor' does River Ripple ever belittle his failures or negative traits. They simply exist, are acknowledged, and pass like water.

But of course there is difficulty in how these two's ideologies clash. Everyone's beliefs are different, but theirs almost completely counter. River Ripple's philosophy is peaceful. To live and let live, and be custodians of the land. One Eye's on the other hand is to conquer. To take, to fight for what you need, and to claim the land. While there is room to accommodate each other, they are both two strong individuals with strong identities. Neither is going to abandon their philosophy, and when they clash so strongly, it can make it impossible for them to see eye to eye on issues. Long term, that would be hard. I believe that is why they'd go their separate ways. It doesn't work out. But that is okay. For that period of time, there was coexistence, there was connection, and there was love.

TL:DR. Very brief romance! A spark of passion that burns then fizzles out when One Eye leaves to be on his own (with Star Flower) once again. River Ripple, of course, says One Eye can return any time if he needs anything. Even for a short visit. He never does. For everywhere the tom goes, there is destruction and disruption, and River Ripple's home is like an oasis to be left untouched in One Eye's head.

Even as One Eye's reputation worsens, they still feel for each other. River Ripple especially. He knows what One Eye is capable of, what he has done, and how downright hideous he can be. But it's hard not to miss the memory of him. (Cue the mountain cats like PLEASE stop talking about this asshole in flowery prose he is trying to kill us!!)

BONUS: Not really relevant here, but their presence in the narratives respectively as the punisher/destroyer vs the voice of reason… ooogh, sun that burns, moon that soothes e.t.c but that deity kind of vibe would be more relevant once they're spirits in the Dark Forest & Starclan!

I could go on forever but that's the meat of it. Ty ty i hope everyone enjoyed and its not terribly incoherent ✌️

[abrthephantomq]

ohhh your tags absolutely intrigued me! would absolutely love to read more about your thoughts on severance as DID rep if you wanna share :)

Yessssss this is my current Roman Empire so THANK YOU so much for asking!

(spoilers ahead for the entirety of the show)

1. The switches between Innies and Outies. They're seamless - the way the camera focuses on their face changes - the fact they use a singular note to denote WHEN the change is occuring.

Some of us are programmed to switch "out" into the real world / body via music, for example. The fact that the innies are programmed to JUST the ding of the elevator makes it so they still have something musical to switch to but NOT like, a whole song with meaning is bc music, like all art, is political and even historical if you know the context in which that music was created in.

2. the fucking GLITCH NOISE when flashbacks are happening during "re"integration sickness. The fact that it's called INTEGRATION at all, honestly. Honestly this is a thing some of us experience when dissociative barriers within our mind are "failing." Like, the way it feels to watch those moments is very similar to how it feels inside our body when we get a flash of something we as a System forgot.

3. The process of Integration IRL is actually NOT the fusion of alters. It's memory sharing. It's processing trauma the body experienced via the different POVs who actually experienced / hold onto that trauma so that the Record Keepers / Body Interpreters (our personal terms for these roles) become aware of these memories, and the parts that held them can finally gain support in healing those traumas. Which is what we are seeing with the Re-Integration process. Which is why it's NOT Re-Integration. Innies and Outies clearly still remain "separate" in terms of who has control of the body depending on what environment they're in. We met Outie!Petey, not innie!Petey, for example.

4. Lumon being a Corporate Style Cult and abusing its severed employees (and NONsevered employees, when you consider the bullshit Cobel and Milkshake go through - and also Helena) is SO on par with what was previously referred to as RAMCOA. I think the term now is just Organized Abuse. Like. Harsh rules for everyone. You can see the cycle of Abuse in real time - the transference of anger. Milkshake can't retaliate against the Eagan top dogs but he CAN threaten Mark S, for example, and get WAY into his personal space to intimidate him and also fuck with him emotionally and mentally. It's SO good. It's so uncomfortable to watch but it's ACCURATE.

5. Going back to the seamless Switching. Yes, we get the camera shift and whatnot visually - but that's for the benefit of the audience. Same with the elevator ding cue. Mark S and Helly are the two best examples we have of this. There are huge ass SIMILARITIES between their Innies and Outies, yes. In terms of base personality traits and beliefs.

But Mark S wears his hair slightly different. Helena seems to prefer her hair pulled back and out of her face. These kinds of little subtle differences enhance the way ALL of the actors embody the different parts of their characters. ALL of them deserve all the awards for their acting, honestly. All of them.

6. Along those lines, the signs of bleed through or when one part is Passively Influencing the other. In ep 5 there were moments in Mark S seems to be in control but Outie Mark is bleeding through. Like, the vibe of Mark S the entirety of ep 5 isn't QUITE Mark S. Because Mark S has been violated in multiple ways at this point by Lumon - now including sexually! - and has experienced the death of one of his family members (MDR is def a family), and is grieving and confused and Mark's way of dealing with the death of someone he loves was to literally Sever himself so that there were hours of the day where he wasn't crushed by the weight of his grief.

I'm sure there's more but I just woke up (well, about an hour ago) and we have some Administrative Tasks that need to get done as well as self-care stuff bc this show is triggering in a GOOD way. It's triggering because I have experienced both what Mark S and Helly R are going through, as well as what Mark and Helena have.

The show is so good. It's so good.

[mania-sama]

january fic recs!

organization:

➼ fandom

✎ [Fic Name] by [Author] ❧ rating, word count (in progress tagged if work is not completed) ❧ relationship tags ❧ my description/notes ❧ Quotation

featured fandoms: voltron: legendary defender | jujutsu kaisen | haikyuu | harry potter | avatar: the last airbender | undertale | marvel cinematic universe

more of my fic recommendations: february | march

➼ voltron: legendary defender

✎ A Raven on the Path Home by artimess_chimes ❧ not rated, 31k ❧ keith/lance ❧ lance following the aftermath of the intergalactic war. the author does an amazing job of portraying depression from the depressed person's perspective. while lance does have a level of self-awareness that many people with mental illness do, the depression and ptsd override most of his common sense and relationality anyway. misery breeds misery; he does a very good job of behaving poorly and increasing his loneliness. and then he slowly owns up to his mistakes and rebuilds his support system that he had destroyed, but not without help. it's a really good personal growth journey with klance as a lovely addition to lance's behemoth of emotions ❧ Lynn looked at him unimpressed. “An insistence on independence is just using your own pride to deny yourself love.” 

✎ Asterism by idas_library ❧ mature, 92.0k (in progress) ❧ team voltron, keith/lance, allura/lotor, adam/shiro ❧ i REFUSE to believe that this is the author's first fanfiction, because this is ASTOUNDINGLY well done and indicative of years of writing. they must be an author outside of fanfiction. they must. anyway, the story follows the end of s1 when the wormhole gets screwed up, and instead of being in his lion and getting thrown into an ocean planet with hunk, lance is outside of his lion and gets tossed somewhere random. after almost dying in his suit in the middle of nowhere-space, he gets picked up by a galra outer ring outpost. cue a long, spiraling adventure to escape, and then the adventure beyond. not a single scene or OC is wasted (i would commit genocide for you, 697). of course, my whump-loving heart was cheering at the torture and whatnot, but none of it for nothing. everything has a purpose. the truly amazing part of this fic though is the very natural progression and growth of lance's character (much better than whatever the show had going on). he consistently uses his unique strengths to separate himself from the rest, and even though he is growing into a leadership role, he is just that: growing. there are chinks in his armor and a lot of path yet to travel, but the author is handling it phenomenally. it's impossible to tell where the story will go as of yet, but i have my theories. i am thoroughly impressed by the author's skill and the quality of this fic. ❧ That was the last good day, in Lance’s opinion. It was the last time his lungs ached from laughter, and the last time the tears in his eyes didn’t sting and the chill in the air didn’t quite reach his bones. It was the last good day for a long time.

➼ jujutsu kaisen

✎ adolescent dreams & adult screams by twinprimes ❧ teen and up, 15.2k ❧ fushiguro megumi & gojo satoru, getou suguru/gojo satoru ❧ grief and trauma take many forms, and when you're trying to raise a kid you have no blood relation to that is ALSO the child of the man you killed (and give you a boat-load of trauma), it's kind of hard to deal with them. it also shows how it was never really about protecting megumi from harmful information; it's how gojo struggles to reconcile with what happened to him, what he did, and how to talk about it. it's hard to answer questions when you don't know how to give an answer without hurting yourself in the process. absolutely amazing. ❧ “I know he was a bad person,” Megumi continues. He doesn’t sound particularly upset. “And I know he did bad things that I don’t know about, too. So you don’t have to lie about it to me because you don’t want to ruin my opinion of him, or something stupid like that.”

✎ chronicles of a man trying his best by angryjane ❧ general audiences, 35.2k (in progress) ❧ fushiguro megumi & fushiguro tsumiki & gojo satoru & nanami kento, gojo satoru/nanami kento ❧ on the opposite of end of the spectrum, we have a menace-to-society!megumi being raised by reformed-menace-to-society!gojo. this is a series of 5 fics that i don't think is ever going to get updated again, but doesn't feel incomplete in any capacity. each is relatively a stand alone and is more a basic slice of life than it is anything else. it's very funny, especially if you don't take it seriously (which you shouldn't; allow the series to guide you in your emotions). hints of past satosugu, but mostly nanago. tsumiki is a menace in her own right, and nanami is only slightly better at hiding his down badness than gojo is. again, very much a crack series but is also powerful in the little moments where the cracks seal and a bit of angst and genuineness appears. my favorite fic of the series is definitely the room is filled with people who love you. ❧ Grumbling, Megumi relents, sacrificing his dessert to Nanami’s waiting hand before scrambling off the floor and scurrying towards the kitchen table. Hesitantly, Nanami trails after him, setting the tub, followed by the bouquet of roses, down on the table and picking up a paperback he finds there, wincing at the title. Taking up residence beneath the screaming smoke detector, he begins to fan Training Pets to Kill- A Beginner’s Ultimate Guide: Tips, Tricks, Legalities and more! above his head like an offering. 

➼ haikyuu

✎ and back to you again, step by step by step by eurydicees ❧ teen and up, 8.1k ❧ daishou suguru/kuroo tetsurou ❧ this is honestly a really interesting fic due to its perspective. no relationship is perfect, nor always 100% healthy. however, for the way the fic is written, we truly only get one side/interpretation of how the relationship works until little bits and pieces are revealed through dialogue provided to kuroo from daishou. more than it is a fic on relationships, it is a wonderful piece on manipulating perspective; the author has kuroo written sort of as a victim until daishou explains that he also felt hurt and victimized in the relationship. it shows just how important communication is, and how no one but the two people involved can provide the most reliable communication. it's really interesting and very well done, especially from a technique view. ❧ “He apologized,” Kuroo says. “You know how rare that is? I think he’s apologized for something, like, twice ever in his life, and one of those times was this. The other was because he broke my nose with a volleyball when we were seven.”

✎ Yaobikuni by PlumTea ❧ mature, 7.1k ❧ iwaizumi hajime/oikawa tooru ❧ on the topic of unhealthy relationships... very hesitantly am i recommending this not because i do not believe that the fic is good, but because i think this exposes more about me than i care to admit. yet here i am. anyway, if you want some insane power dynamics, toxic relationships, and a splash of horror, then this is the fic for you. oikawa is a merman and iwaizumi catches him because he wants to live forever. is it really cannibalism if one isn't even technically the same species? a question for the ages. it also ponders the unanswerable, undefinable paradox of immortality without actually making the main character live for a thousand years to find a suitable, relative answer. i adore this author's horror haikyuu works, i highly recommend everyone to read more from them. ❧ “So you want to live forever? You could end up feeling terrible forever, too.”

✎ The SakuAtsu Documentary by the MSBY Black Jackals by lettersinpetals ❧ teen and up, 6.7k ❧ miya atsumu/sakusa kiyoomi ❧ very hilarious and very, very cute. i am always 100% down for some team shenanigans, and this one takes the cake. it's one large prank, and while the intended result was to simply amend the tense relationship between atsumu and sakusa while documenting their progress via vlogs, they got much more than they bargained for. the prank sakuatsu plays back is very funny as well and i did laugh out loud. ❧ “Something’s gotta give and we’re afraid we’ll find Atsumu’s corpse lying in a ditch,” Adriah said. “He’s a cocky prick, but he is also one of the country’s best setters, as much as I hate to admit it. We’d prefer not to lose him.”

➼ harry potter

✎ disguised as something else by aloneintherain ❧ teen and up, 3.1k ❧ harry potter & remus lupin & sirius black, harry potter & friends ❧ THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS. the one glaring vice that the harry potter series has, storywise, is that harry's prospective childhood trauma from the dursleys is almost never discussed. look me in the eyes and tell me he does not have an everlasting scar from their blatant neglect and abuse. that's right. you CAN"T. anyway, this story explores just a bit of that abuse, while also tackling the fact that he hasn't ever talked about it. he hasn't healed from that experience, and just because he's in a safe environment now with a loving family doesn't mean that scar has faded. in fact, it's a scab that's now picked open. wonderfully explores the process of talking about your feelings instead of bottling it up and pretending it doesn't exist. ❧ A part of him aches to crawl into that dark, cramped space and curl up next to Sirius. It’s safe in there, his hind-brain reminds him. Adult hands only ever reached in to drag him out.

➼ avatar: the last airbender

✎ the hands that feed by aloneintherain ❧ teen and up, 1.9k ❧ the gaang & zuko ❧ classic zuko scar reveal. no, these never get old. every author tackles it in a different way. i especially like the way this author approaches it in this fic (as evident as it is that i appreciate the way they write trauma and trauma recovery. see harry potter for reference). one of the important things about traumatic events is that it is incredibly important for a person to reveal their trauma by their own violation. ripping it out of someone or learning about their past via other conventions is a surefire way to dismantle trust and a certain amount of the healing process. in this, zuko involuntarily reveals how he got his scar, but he also, vitally, doesn't remember doing so. the gaang know that they aren't supposed to know. so, they are willing to give him time. time for him to come to them, step by miserable step, with his past burning the soles of his feet. they are all very kind to him even in this moment of stress and desperation. love love love it. ❧ Sokka felt like screaming. He couldn’t, not with Zuko so close and so confused. He wouldn’t stir up old memories. Wouldn’t hurt Zuko more than he’d already been hurt.

➼ undertale

✎ lest ye be judged by nilchance ❧ teen and up, 35.4k (in progress) ❧ papyrus & sans, asgor dreemurr & papyrus & sans ❧ man where do i even start with this. essentially, an au where everything is the same except that sans and papyrus were once homeless kids on the street who were eventually taken in by a merciful, guilt-ridden asgor, post the first six human deaths but pre gaster death. they don't stay for long, and everyone is memory wiped of their time with asgor anyway, but sans remembers. their time together is impactful in a way that can only be felt in the white spaces between every word and sentence. i am always for adding extra trauma to... any given character, so that was simply a bonus for me. the author also has a very well-defined interpretation of every major character, which really makes the series feel as near to canon as a fic could ever be in some aspects. every bond, word, and relationship shared and formed is important in some aspect, and it has consequences. the only sad thing about this series is that it very clearly had a build-up to sans revealing the complete truth and his personal feelings to his "family" in the post-true pacifist route, but. well. the series hasn't been updated since 2018. but it's okay because i still think it's all very much worth the read. every single one of the fics. my favorite is definitely the first fic (traumatized kids. yep that's the life), but runs in the family is a very close second. ❧ It had taken months before Chara stopped probing at the limits of his patience like a sore tooth. Seeing what it would take for Asgore to hit them. It's a hard lesson for a child to learn, harder to unlearn. Asgore keeps his hands open and voice easy. "Thank you."

✎ disenchanted lullaby by nilchance ❧ general audiences, 1.6k ❧ papyrus & sans ❧ ah yes, the inevitable nihilism and mental collapse after a time loop. what i find the most interesting about post-true pacifism is that for a character like sans, it is much harder to reconcile a happy ending with what he'd experienced because he has absolutely no control over it. for other time loops, they have to deal with the conflict of wondering if they will accidentally reset it themselves. they are the main character. but for sans, who is not a main character, who is merely a bystander and victim to the never-ending resets, he has no control. no bearing over whether or not his journey restarts. and to start all over again - that is a terrifying prospect. of course he's got depression. who wouldn't? the way that it's approached in careful prose and the bonding of the two brothers is very precious to me. delicious fic. ❧ "Don't," he says, unexpectedly fierce. "I heard you crying like you were falling down, brother. I heard you say that you've given up. It's a little late to tell me you're happy."

✎ Revenant by Solena2 ❧ general audiences, 2.1k ❧ no defined relationships ❧ this fic au is horrifying if you think about it for more than 2 seconds. all of the characters who appear as "undead" (the ghosts and the skeletons) were, at one point, living humans that had all fallen down to the ruins and thus been slain by asgore. the items that they wore had been lost and scattered until, eventually, the seventh human child falls down and collects their other fallen humans' things as you do in the game. when you put it into the perspectives of the characters' jobs, especially for sans and papyrus who work for the very man that mercilessly killed them, it really drives in the entire hopelessness of the underground, that they really have no place else to go. it's also simply beautifully written. i love a one shot that makes you feel a host of complex, unforgiving emotions. ❧ Like those before them - they come, they leave, they die.

✎ Hairline Fractures by kaliawai512 ❧ teen and up, 31.3k ❧ papyrus & sans ❧ yes more discussion on the devastating, horrifying, everlasting effects of inescapable time loops, as i've mentioned under the description of the disenchanted lullaby. however, this fic takes at multiple steps further. they are 6 months into living in the human world, and it is pretty terrible for monsters. in the perspective of sans, he battles with daily racism(?), balancing multiple jobs, the guilt of watching his brother suffer, and wondering, wondering when the world will reset and it will all end. because, well, they had made it that far before, hadn't they? there is a scene though where sans gets drunk for the first time and it makes me ill because i was crudely reminded of my first time, which was a far more unpleasant experience than sans'. but its okay i powered through and it, in fact, one of the best scenes in the fic. the BEST part of this fic though is that the author somehow coded the actual papyrus and comic sans into the fic for the dialogue and i am now determined (hahahhaha) to figure out how to do that for myself. ❧ He should get up. He should really get up. Papyrus was worried, and every minute Sans lay there, he got more worried. Even if he couldn’t get up, he could at least respond. But every time Papyrus came to the door, he couldn’t make a sound come out. He tried, he tried over and over again, but his voice refused to respond.

➼ marvel cinematic universe

✎ out there, living in the sun by Hailfire_73 ❧ teen and up, 30.1k ❧ peter parker & richard parker, peter parker & tony stark, peter parker & avengers, pepper potts/tony stark ❧ peter parker's dad, richard, is an evil hydra agent that essentially has kept peter from the civilization. he runs experiments on kidnapped people, kills them, and discards of them. and peter, well, peter doesn't really know a life outside of this. and then he gets kidnapped by iron man and captain america. suddenly, the world is a lot larger than the haunted mansion he grew up in. it's a very interesting fic that not only handles the affects of abuse, but takes a very different route on peter's relationship with the avengers. because he never becomes "spider-man" in our sense and understanding of spider-man, he ends up developing his relationships differently. it's also interesting to see how the author approaches his character. they rip peter parker from the environment that made who he was, prevent him from ever getting in the suit and from saving a single person, yet they still manage to keep the core of his character alive. pretty awesome. also, there is a plant named spike. that's pretty cool. ❧ “Captain America? Get me out of here?” asked Peter, squinting his eyes and tilting his head. Iron Man hoisted him out of bed, and the covers went with him, hitting the floor by Peter’s feet. “Oh cool, I’m being kidnapped.”

✎ for peter by Hailfire_73 ❧ general audiences, 19.0k ❧ peter parker & tony stark + family, pepper potts/tony stark ❧ peter parker gets turned into a dog instead of dusting away when thanos snapped. I KNOW BUT HEAR ME OUT. the fic is (mostly) set in tony's perspective, and he doesn't really know that peter is a dog now. he just knows that its now his responsibility to take care of this stray dog that peter had picked up before the snap. it follows the 5 years of tony and his blooming family, his grieving, his attempts to keep peter's memory alive, while peter does everything he can to somehow communicate to tony that he's still here. it's a really good fic; tony very clearly projects his mourning onto "buddy the dog", and it, in turn, makes him a better father to his daughter. fair warning though: do NOT feed your dog cheeseburgers instead of dog food on a regular basis! that will kill your dog!!! do not do as tony does!!!!! ❧ “Wanna come home with me?” asked Tony. “Look, I’m not Peter, I’m nowhere near as good and kind, hell I don’t even really like dogs, but… I have a house with a big yard and plenty of squirrels and rats to chase and… if you’re lucky, I might even feed you.”

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

see i am 20 and none of my friends or myself have really gone through a Bad Breakup, but the album still makes perfect sense to me. maybe that’s because im able to empathise with the experiences laid out in front of me idk. but it is interesting that people struggle to understand something i find fairly easily explainable

Yeah! When I say it's the quintessential thirtysomething album, I mean it as shorthand for like, the culmination of life experiences and grief and struggle and rebirth and finding yourself and whatnot. Which typically happens by the time you hit your thirties many times over, and yes there are specific things she talks about on the album that are VERY salient to people in that age bracket, but that's another discussion...

But I do think the Empathy thing is also key. And to be clear: I am not saying people lack empathy if they don't like the album, or like the story, or whatever. (I am being mindful that words have impact and we are all people behind our screens and keyboards so I am not trying to paint everything with the same brush.) Everyone has their own life experience and everyone has experienced grief and trauma and more importantly processes it differently. Many, and perhaps even most, of us would not have taken the actions Taylor did. But that's the whole point: we all do things differently and learn from them differently.

I have never been in the specific situation Taylor has been in, but I have had a loved one live with incredibly difficult mental health (and physical tbh) challenges that made them behave in a very particular way, which is why I relate to so many songs of Taylor's on such a visceral level that I feel like she was in my walls. And that is why my heart goes out to her throughout all of TTPD, because even in my fraction of an experience (that isn't nearly as traumatic as what she went through, although this isn't the Trauma Olympics), I know how absolutely gutting it is to live that way, like the way it changes your brain chemistry, and I can't even imagine how much more exponentially painful it was in her circumstances with everything else she was dealing with and living it 24/7. If I felt like complete shit with the person firing off missiles every day, I can't even fathom what it's like when that person is your entire world and future.

I'm not going to make generalizations about how others interpret the album or feel about it or the situation about it, because I've learned that again, my words have consequences and I don't want to hurt people. But I will say I'm grateful that I DO understand the album in the way that I have interpreted it because it has given me so much pleasure to talk about and delve into, and has led to some wonderful conversations with friends here AND broader conversations about some really important issues surrounding womanhood among other things.

[gomzdrawfr]

First off, that sneak peek art of Viktor is amazing!! Did you draw that? Wow. Second, is there a place I can find out more about Raven's lore and background? I know so little. Fish sounds really cool, but I can't imagine putting your life in the hands of a medic who makes decisions based on his coins! Poor guy sounds like he really needs a hug. If he's related to Jelly, maybe Ghost will give him one that crushes his soul back into his body. B6 sounds like he might have been really good friends with Raven. I wonder if he gets out of Cobra and how Price and Ghost feel about him. I could see Nik getting along with him. Did you ever find a name for his cat? I love Jelly as Ghost's squishy fluffy haired girlfriend. They are very cute together. <3 Thank you for all the lore. I love hearing about OCs.

Nope I didn't draw Viktor, that was a commission work from my friend @/hai-nae (twitter link). They're AMAZING at what they do and they did these for me too!!!!!!!!!! (SCREAMING!!! the last one was a comms piece too)

I used to have Raven's lore in my google doc that I've linked in my reference sheet post but I removed it cause I'm thinking of revamping some stuff. But the key points are probably just these:

Raven growing up in an orphanage, mistreated and bullied, bonds with crows and owls (tragic story 1.0)

Orphanage burnt down by Viktor, Viktor then adopts her because she glared and looked at him eye-to-eye without fear. He had intention for her to take over Cobra but somewhere along the way the lines blurred (just know Viktor's fucked up and wanted Raven to kill him since she's like a copy version of him in terms of skills and whatnot)

She dabbled in private intelligence agencies (affiliated with Cobra) before she officially joined Cobra and worked as mercenary, taking contracts every month (there's a quoto you need to achieve in Cobra, and she's ranked top every time which builds up tension amongst the Cobra members)

Just extra note, all Cobra members are bounded with a barcode tattoo on their wrist (showed in her ref sheet)

Lieutenant John Price's name showed up in one of those monthly quota thingy and that's when she met him, the intention to kill him was overtaken by curiosity and infatuation and such.

Before that, in her years of working in Cobra she went through one event where she was locked and tortured in an abandoned kindergarten, tied to the chair and had to face a small room with worn down sunflower wallpapers (tragic story 2.0, and also why she develops a fear towards sunflowers then eventually other flowers). This fear was discovered quite late into the story when Price has signed her up to work with the 141 when Gaz brought them to a sunflower field, causing her to pass out.

Dialling back a bit in the timeline, the Cobra PMC (and Viktor included) planned an assassination attempt on Raven, nearly ending her life at an oil rig with her signature back scar - see ref (tragic story 3.0)

B6 then came in and basically help her contact Price and then erase her history almost entirely (hence, it was hard for Price to trace back her backstory, but nothing's lost forever)

Price and Gaz were the ones who rescued her and funded her recovery process. I think somewhere in my doc I've talked about partial incomplete spinal cord injuries, RSI and PTSD and such? (Take it with a grain of salt since spinal injuries rarely allows full recovery) She'll suffer lingering nerve related scars and injuries later on into her life, causing pain and many, many sleepless nights

Uh then I suppose she starts working with Price and the 141. This is where priceraven doodles would appear

She is however, driven by grief and revenge, setting to return the favor from Viktor and she does kill him in the end. (Refer animation - which has more rambles on how she felt afterwards)

Also another OC that I have yet to develop, but Viktor is paired with Archi, his assistant, which followed Viktor's death not long after Viktor died (by suicide). They're basically toxic yaoi co-dependent pairing if I want to explain their dynamic lol

I think then afterwards Raven sort of retire for a while, stayed at home and such. I call this the domestic era.

Then after mw3 happened, she's back on action with Price again. This is where my fic's timeline is currently at. The next part should involve Price marrying Raven (and hopefully I can update Raven's name to Eira Price :p)

B6 eventually left Cobra as well since the act of deleting Raven's history went against the PMC, he end up living the life he wanted in his own garage and just tinkering away :) Price and Gaz knows him personally and they're good colleagues, not really friends since he puts people at arms' length. As for Ghost, he respect the lad and nothing more. I'd say the person B6 would most likely warm up to is Gaz since they're in similar age range (and well, who can resist Gaz's easy charm eh?) Not too sure how Nik would feel towards him, probably same as Ghost. Nope, have not decided the name of his cat but I'm open to suggestions! (lil buddy is a munchkin tuxedo meow meow...very tiny...very clingy...small meows but powerful paws)

[alicepao13]

Hudson and Rex S03E09 - Grave Matters - PART B

"I told you departmental policy, Sarah". Literally 15 seconds later: "Maybe if I dip into Camilla's college savings..."

Joe: "You could lose your house". Sarah: "I know but this is Charlie we're talking about".

What do you mean you're going to search what kind of sprinkler systems are on this time of year? How could that be an amount small enough worthy of investigation?

Not the wheezing sound!

Wrong grave, guys.

Regardless of grief and whatnot, that woman and her husband were psychotic. If you really think that the police has done you such a grave disservice during the course of the investigation on your son (which they hadn't), then just shoot the guy. Don't torture him like that.

If tortured, then why so sexy?

"I'm giving you hope and then I'm gonna take it away". I mean, this is seriously fucked up. Imagine the entire thought process behind that. You can murder someone in less than a second. But imagine the thought process in all this. The lack of regret. And they've had him for hours, not one of them felt remorseful enough to let him go.

"So you can feel what my son felt in that coffin after you botched his investigation". Okay, but he wasn't the one who did it, not to mention that it was ultimately the fact that they paid the ransom that killed the kid (which they don't know). Why torture him like this?

"What have you done?" Ugh, I love the moment where he realizes that they probably buried another innocent person. His reactions and everything are show on point.

"The judges and lawyers were covering up for SJPD's mistakes". Okay, that might happen, at least from the police's side. It's rare that the entire judiciary system helps with a coverup (unless we're talking about countries like Greece). Still, not what happened here.

No comment. Just enjoy.

"You wouldn't talk to us even after the trial was over". That's not a crime punishable by torture and death!

"All to protect your precious reputation". lol what the fuck are you on about? Dude seriously solves crimes with a dog! I'd expect the entire police aside from those working close to him (who I assume respect him) to be calling him Ace Ventura.

"I didn't want you to know that paying the ransom triggered Noel's death". See? Next time tell the people everything, no matter how callous it may sound. Ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves.

How did you miss, man? It wasn't that much of a distance.

"I smell Charlie!"

In such episodes, they always end up digging with their hands out of desperation. A dog pulling the rope, though, that's new. Not necessarily what I'd put him in charge of, given that he has four paws.

Found him!

This is a friendly hug. Also, look at Charlie staring at the sky. He really thought he would never see it again.

You two are never beating the "in love with each other since at least S3" allegations.

Charlie burying his face on Rex's fur, saying "Hi". I'm fine.

"You and your husband buried Patrick Gillespi" What about you, Charlie? Also, this is highly inappropriate, having the victim of the abduction interrogate his abductor.

"The bad news is that you're going to jail for a very long time". No, that's actually great news.

"I'm really sorry". Apology not accepted!

"Why did you go in with her? Are you okay? Can I bite her?"

"How'd it go?" "About the same as it always goes". Oh, do you get kidnapped often? She's not asking about a regular case.

"I heard about the money. And what you were willing to do for me." "It wasn't just me. Joe too." Not to minimize Joe's input but the minute the ransom demand was heard, Sarah was already on the phone.

"Thank you." "You would have done the same for us." "Well, I don't know. I really do like the house I just bought." Stop it. Also, I'd love to see the opposite happen too.

"I didn't think we could do this anymore." Well, it's not every day where they have to dig you out of a grave, Charlie.

Even more looks.

"To this team, and the fact that we're all still breathing." Who would have thought that being a cop in St. John's would be roughly as dangerous as a Mission Impossible movie?

Exposure therapy. Count the traumatic cases, by the way. They're starting to pile up. Keep that in mind.

This is one of my favorite episodes. It's too bad they never mention the whole ordeal again. What deity do I offer a sacrifice to in order to get this kind of angst again?

[empyrangel]

If I see one more Signora simp try to make up bullshit about Venti I’m gonna lose it.

They act like he kicked his feet up while Mondstadt was under attack and simultaneously that he personally killed Rostam. They say he “failed to protect Mondstadt.” That Signora should be mad at him.

“The Anemo Archon heard their agony, though he had refused to rule. But to protect his old friends' dream, and defend the wind-kissed fields of green, He woke from his long slumber anew, and with the sky dragon in battle he flew...”

Pasted directly from Elegy for the End’s description. Venti alongside Dvalin fought Durin (the biggest threat to Mondstadt) and won. End of story. There are no other possible interpretations. And what really gets me is that this description is where Signora’s backstory is. Meaning that in order for these people to know all the details about Rostam and whatnot they’d had to have read Elegy’s description and purposefully disregarded the part about Venti.

I don’t expect people to know all the niche little lore bits like I do, but don’t be a stubborn bitch and act like you know what you’re talking about when you absolutely do not.

So with all that in mind, how the hell did Venti “fail” Signora or Mondstadt? Was it because people died? Venti was fighting the biggest threat to Mondstadt away from the city so people wouldn’t get any more hurt than they already would. He can’t be in two places at once. Would they rather Venti let Durin run free while Dvalin tries and fails to fight him and Venti instead takes care of the little abyss monsters to protect people? He was protecting people the most by attacking the problem at its root. He can’t protect everyone. It’s war, people are gonna die. People died all over Teyvat, not just in Mondstadt because the cataclysm was brutal. How is that Venti’s fault?

Did he fail because Rostam died? Again, it’s war, people die and even a god can’t save everyone. Rostam isn’t special, many people fell like he did. And on top of that, Rostam wasn’t some innocent civilian who got caught up in the battle. He was a goddamn knight of favonius. It’s his whole fucking job to protect Mondstadt, to the death if necessary. Rostam would have known that he could die and he fought anyway because he had to.

Genuinely, what do people expect Venti to have done? Bring Rostam back from the dead? He may be a god but he isn’t omnipotent.

What really happened during the cataclysm that Signora simps can’t accept is that Venti protected Mondstadt from the most dangerous monster. Many people died because it was a huge violent battle, Rostam was one of them and died doing his job. Signora couldn’t handle it normally like everyone else who lost loved ones and didn’t know how to process her grief, so she went psycho and joined a terrorist organization to take her pain out on everyone else.

[incorrect-jojolands-quotes]

I wonder, if Meryl is right about Usagi not being a drug addict, then what are the drugs for? I think there's a possibility he buys the drugs for his mom, since his dad died unexpectedly. Maybe...

I answered this in a previous ask but I can think of some scenarios where Usagi bought drugs but wouldn't be considered a drug addict. I'll elaborate more on those scenarios in this one.

He's buying it for his mother:

It doesn't seem out there that Mrs. Alohaoe developed an addiction to cope with her grief, and that led her to make Usagi go buy drugs when the cravings hit. Usagi could be guilted into buying the drugs, believing his mother is suffering a lot and the drugs are really helping her. There's also the possibility of Usagi being abused as well if we can interpret the financial situation as Mrs. Alohaoe holding money over Usagi's head and that's why he does what he can to spend all his money and use all his resources. Putting her on drugs would sedate her enough that she doesn't get abusive, and he probably plans on drugging her after the heist so he can buy time to hide his newly earned money.

He's buying for himself but chickened out:

Mrs. Alohaoe, as a response to her grief and possible emotional incest, is a helicopter parent who wants to make sure her precious son is given the best and sheltered from EVERYTHING. Usagi, feeling constricted, decides he wants to try drugs as a step into becoming a "cooler" person, but backs out at the last minute. Meryl Mei catches him and convinces him to join the heist under the pretense that he could gain friends as a result. Usagi being a very sheltered, awkward teenager trying to belong would explain why he acts so eccentric. He probably knows his team thinks he's a drug addict, so he plays along with it in hopes that he could make it be an asset. He tries to win them over with elaborate plans and whatnot, but it doesn't work.

I kind of speculate Usagi's backstory and how he's written would be similar to that of Narancia or Trish.

Narancia was close to his mother before she died. He became estranged to his father, which led him to become a delinquent. He is betrayed, but it leads him to find a group of people who treated him well. Despite their pushback, he joins their group and becomes close to them after gaining their trust. As a backstory, this could be a similar backstory for Usagi; the death of his father could have affected him and his mother despite the nonchalant way he was describing his past to Dragona. He's in the process of gaining his team's trust and we've sort of pigeonholed him to being a rather "innocent, child-like" character like Narancia is often characterized as.

As for Trish, I remember someone analyzed her character as a representation of us the readers. Trish is the outsider, unsure of how she belongs and starts off as an observer that the team does not completely trust or is amicable towards beyond the bare minimum. However, she grows to become a valued member and ally, even helping them take down the main villain who happened to be related to her. Usagi could be a representation of us readers in the modern era observing and trying to become part of the gang. Unlike Trish, who is more of a watcher, Usagi is more proactive, which makes things comical and annoying for the team, but it might lead to him destroying all traitor allegations for sure.

Personally, I still think Usagi is taking drugs but Meryl Mei reasons his addiction as a necessity rather than a means to kill time or not be a functioning member of society.

I do hope Usagi doesn't get killed off tho.

[yuurivoice]

You ever think about how, even when living things die, even when our bodies are no longer visible... Perhaps, in a way, we still exist? In the sense that the atoms and molecules that constituted us are still here? Furthermore, what of something that dies in the wild? The things that it was made of distribute into the ground, the plants that then use the nutrients that body provided, the scavengers and carrion cleaners that come to process it... In a way, do we, in a physical sense, ever truly, completely disappear when it's thought of this way? I don't know if this makes sense, but I've thought of it before when I've thought about the balance and cycle of Life and Death, and it's something I like to pose to folks to see what they think!

So this may, or may not, come as a surprise to people but I'm an incredibly morbid person sometimes. I think about death a lot. I've been impacted by death, loss, and dealing with what's left behind.

My dad left an unbelievable amount of influence behind when he died. Trauma, sure, I had a lot of unresolved hurt to go through, but also incredible memories, stories, and love. I had to sort through this big mental box of good, bad, ugly, and beautiful things and accept that they're all in that same box. I had to learn over years of grief that people are flawed and in many cases you cannot do a damn thing about it. You can only learn and manage what is left behind.

While these things are not literally tangible, they are. They are so fucking tangible. It's so real. It's so real that I've gone on to let those things in that box impact the lives of those around me. That influence carries on in very apparent ways, both good and bad.

I think that the imagined, the felt, the unseen things are just as real as the dirt in the ground and scars left behind. I'm a bit of a conundrum because I'm both spiritual and not spiritual at all. At some point I came to believe that these things simply are. It's not religious, it's not traditionally "spiritual", in my eyes it's just the natural order of things.

So much of our lives are touched by what has come before, personal or otherwise. To relate the "if a tree falls in the woods and no one sees it, did it really fall" analogy to this...if the trauma passed on to you by another in turn leads to how you impact the ones around you...did that tree fall?

I'd say it did. Legacy isn't always a grand thing. It's the fingerprints of lives lived, well or otherwise. It manifests constantly, and is the responsibility of those left behind to bring order to it. It's not fair, but few things are.

I also think there's beauty in the scientific life cycle and whatnot, but when I think of death I almost immediately skew towards the mental/emotional side of things. lol

[lost-technology]

Hey. Please please please don't do anything drastic. I know it seems really dark right now, and it is. Yesterday was a horrible day for everyone and it will continue to be hard as we all process. But it's so so so important that you keep on living through that.

One half of this that is absolutely true is that you need to keep on living to spite them. You need to live longer than him and laugh when he's gone. Your life in itself is resistance and that's infinitely valuable.

The other half is that, no matter if you believe this or not right now, the world would be darker without you. I mean this really and truly. I don't know you in real life so I can't speak to that, but you bring a lot of positivity and unique views to the trigun fandom. Your reblogs are how I found a lot of the trigun blogs I now follow. Your comments and discussions on Rem make me happy to read, just grinning in real life because someone cares so much about a character that needed more time. It's simple stuff really, but that's what's important. Even people you've never spoken to like me are positively impacted by your life. And that increases tenfold for people who know you in real life that you do speak to and that love you and want you around no matter if they say it out loud or not.

Please keep living. You bring something unique to this world and you're a nice person, which goes for a lot these days. And if you can't believe that, live for spite, just for now, and maybe the other stuff can come later.

Please live. I'm sorry for being so long winded but you really do have a much bigger impact than you could ever see without someone telling you and I want you to know.

We can all get through this and you're not alone. Being together is how we can find strength. So stay and be together with us. Please.

I'm sorry for the long ask. Just want to make sure you at least hear this stuff. You're important.

I do need to get on the phone with my therapist. It's just... I feel like the hits just keep on coming, neverending in my life. This hope to have the first ever Madame President and to not have a man in office (again) who shows all signs of going full fascist - it is bringing up grief in such a way that it seems to be bleeding into my lingering grief over a family-loss I had last year. I'm feeling similar ways. Last year, my nephew died (adult, just on the cusp of 40, my partner's nephew). He was my best friend, my gaming buddy and we were the three amigos on holidays and whatnot. We had him up for almost an entire year on Covid-lockdown living with us. He got me through my partner's heart-attacks when he had those in previous years. Matt was the one who broke the news to me that there was going to be a new Trigun anime because he knew I basically lived and breathed Trigun back in the day and still counted Vash as my personal hero. And then, in January '23, he was gone - cause of death unknown, probably his heart giving out - because he had some health issues. I basically had to go through that. I've been feeling like I've just gotten to pulling myself out of the muck of that, was just starting to feel better (with some random meloncholy still hitting me), and now I'm running into yet another big thing that's making me think "What is life even for?" - There's no justice here. I have no power. There is no rhyme or reason. I also lost a couple of aunts during Covid times, both eldery - one to the disease itself, another through something unrelated, both in 2021. I wasn't as close to them anymore, but it hurt. I had to go into inpatient psychiatric in 2021 because some misunderstandings, a huge fight, a dogpiling (of me) and a public tumblr callout post in one small niche area of the She-Ra fandom just made me lose it. I was accused of plagerism (not true. There was a misunderstanding with someone regarding idea-exchange and what I was allowed use in roleplays on a small roleplay discord. I did legit read things wrong, but it's not like I ganked someone's ideas for a publically available fanfic or was trying to "steal their characters" like they whined to everyone in the fandom about), but because anyone accuses of that, immedately everyone else will side with them and not even look further into it, I was suddenly losing friends - I freaked out, myself and got to harassing some people in a defensive snarl - and then some asshole had to take it off the discords and make it public, which meant I was shunned by an entire fandom and was basically told that I was human garbage and believed it. I did something untoward to myself and had a little hospital stay. The person who intervened to save my life was that now-deceased nephew. And so, I've just been going through hit after hit, some of it being hangover from "We all got crazy under Trump and under Trump's attempts to get back into power" and now... that's a thing again... I am also on Social Security / Disability and am worried about my future. I worked very hard to get it and it might go away. My partner was on the cusp of getting it until they raised the retirement age and who knows he might not get it. We might die freezing under a bridge, I don't know. There is always the question of "Well, now or later?" that looms in the mind. "Murdered by the State or go on my own terms?" I want to be brave like Vash and Rem, but they are fiction and I don't know if I am capable of their strength of heart. Thank you for talking to me.

[crimeronan]

For the wrapped, 1, 18, and 29!

from the ao3 wrapped questions!

1. How many words have you written this year?

i did a bunch of original fiction writing and a SHIT TON of partial fanfic drafts / outtakes, which i'm not counting because i definitely can't find them all skdfljsk. as for published on ao3 -- it's apparently 78,314 words of new fic. if you count chapter 9 of wwaitsoatl (the other eight being published in 2022), then it's 86,914

that is..... WAY more than i expected. wow. i don't really remember the writing process or a lot of the content in those 82k words due to The Horrors, but wow yeah. this was a more productive year than i thought.

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

probably camila in the current princess luz WIP, tbh! it's harder for me to get her voice right than anyone else i've written. i've written camila in other fics in the past, but i think the difference here is how much emotional strain she's under and how fraught her relationship is with luz. trying to figure out how she approaches meeting her daughter when she's trying to balance Not Being Overbearing with wanting to be able to hug luz until the end of time..... It's A Lot. hopefully it'll be decent but we'll see!

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

oh man. i guess i have to decide. hmm. stand by i'm paging back thru my fics.

back after several minutes of scrolling to say all my fave lines and passages are horror-related, Unsurprisingly

there are so many scenes in the luz POV princess fic that i'm still so happy with, in terms of themes and prose and feelings and canon parallels and whatnot.

i picked and then changed my mind about like five things. i GUESS i'll settle on the moment that luz kills belos in the princess AU (in which he's raised her as his heir):

His eyes widen. There’s no real time for the situation to register, but Luz still might see a hint of fear. Sorrow. Betrayal. Wishful thinking, most likely – there is an enormous, vindictive part of her that wants him to feel just as awful as she does. She wants him to put aside the surprise and the rage to wallow in grief so powerful that it eclipses the universe. She wants him to understand that she’s killing him, his Luz, his daughter, this girl that he’s tried to mold into the perfect apocalypse for an innocent world. She wants him to recognize that his life’s work was all for nothing.

without prior context it probably reads as edge for the sake of edge, but the thing is like. i wanted luz to still feel very much LIKE LUZ, to have all of canon luz's best qualities and hopes and dreams and feelings. she's more deft and sly with manipulation than canon luz, but in ways that canon luz ABSOLUTELY could have / would have been if she'd known belos better (remember how many times she played him like a fiddle)?

and these feelings aren't very luz-like at all, so much so that they made a couple readers worry that this was the start of a heart of darkness spiral. but even in this, she's still herself -- crazed with grief and desperation, so so so angry, so so so scared, but what she really wants is for belos to recognize her AUTONOMY. she wants him to know that he couldn't make her into what he wanted her to be. that she's chosen who to be & that that choice involves killing him because he needs to die.

in conclusion. story about killing your abusive parent with hammers and then everyone goes "wow it was so cool and awesome of you to kill that bitch with hammers"