#and how they probably will think im a mentally ill freak anyways

[deepfriedseagullfeet]

LOVE racing thoughts at 10:41 pm on a friday when i have work tomorrow and im trying to sleep

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

hi I think I already left an ask about this but I'm gonna do it again lol

sooooo... im pretty sure I already said that william is gonna die at some point in the au, but I think I've figured out why + how. unfortunately the trickster still exists in this au so I'm thinking that he gets killed by it? maybe??? like they're still gonna fight overlord and have the trickster happen, so I'm thinking that maybe this time the fight takes place on a rooftop. where everyone can see it. it's totally broadcast to the news too. william, having no powers, tries to stay out of sight and help from the sidelines. that is, until ashe gets possessed. (maybe the same way as in canon? maybe not?) something happens, and they end up trying to fight the trickster immediately. wiwi gets targeted because he's weak(I guess?) and gets uh. more or less speared through the heart and sent off the side of the building. fun!

so now vyncent and dakota have lost two(2) friends in the same battle. so they're... probably not doing well. anyway, they get distracted by trying to save william or at least see where he fell, and the trickster escapes while they're distracted.

meanwhile, william is in the spirit world. talking to mal. skip ahead a bit, he gets sent back to prime, but in his wisp form. (like his death in season one). and unfortunately for him, his body is. kinda destroyed. so he can't go back to it. he's still visible and tangible, he s just stuck in his wisp form (and looks pretty different. like the way I draw his wisp form) vyncent and dakota find him freaking out over his dead body and don't recognize him at first, and he doesn't know he doesn't look like...him. yet.

(also his parents totally saw him die on live television!!! it was probably censored, but still!!! messed up!!!)

uhhh after that idk what happens!!!! i need to think about it more!!! if u have any ideas please share!!!!

hiiiiiii omg yes I'm so sorry. had a couple mental illness days i didn't have the words to properly answer this. but oh my GODDDDD DUDE.

william getting stabbed. and then pushed off a roof. he still gets to fall. he still gets mutilated by the trickster. it just happens all at once. that's SO FUCKED UP.

ive always been a HUGE fan of william looking way different in his wisp form i think that's awesome. make him otherworldly and offputting !!!!! this is so good and so absolutely heartbreaking. because like.... before this. they weren't heroes. dakota and vyncent maybe had a little more combat experience based on their various backgrounds but william???? william was judt a guy!!! he had no reason to be in that fight other than the fact that it was his friend and he wanted to save him. and he gets killed for it. man. that's so absolutely devastating ‼️

[rusty--rose]

thinking about rusty rose (+ black rose by association) soooo headcanons/assorted thoughts time. mostly centered around rusty i just like her

rusty she/it (it/its is out of reclamation + for funsies) black they/she . i dont make the rules i just enforce them

rusty used to be a regular little girl and was horrifically altered into a killing machine. the only organic part of her body left is a bit of its face. if youve ever discussed her with me you know i believe this wholeheartedly despite knowing the rating of the show would definitely keep them from touching on this.

the eye thats behind a cage is like. used for receiving signals and ui and other stuff. but most importantly its pretty much whats keeping its brain going and keeping it from processing what happened to her body. because if she did itd freak out

... i wonder what would happen if someone on the crew pointed it out lol.

something something phantom pains and traumatic memories hitting so bad that she shuts down (literally or mentally? thats for you to decide) for a few days! yaaaaayyy how fun!

i think the no place crew doesnt trust her fully with the obvious exception of black rose . they kinda just let her do whatever. it doesnt process this cause shes too focused on steering the ship and keeping it functioning (at least in the time between dread leaving and the new yoke invasion, which is probably a while if were taking weird time shit into account).

speaking of that. it doesn't sleep! she does that all night! the others have shown concern for this but it insists shes fine.

ok maybe im thinking more about her fully shutting down for a few days now . what about it. i should make a separate post about this but thats not how i operate

itd probably be after blackrose finally says something. i imagine she kinda feels that something is wrong deep down but pushes it back because she doesnt understand that stuff! theyre just a pirate girl! but one day she ends up waking up in the ungodly hours of the morning and goes to check up on rusty, poking her cheek to get her attention, and it just hits. thats skin! rusty is a friend! theyve always known that, but she never really thought about the whole robot thing too hard. and they end up asking about it. it doesnt go well, see above.

sails fixes her its okay :] like its not a perfect job but shes ok . sorry that was a long tangent

anyway YAYY HAPPIER STUFF UHM. i dont think it has a good singing voice. its very flat. not that the crew cares (once they properly warm up to each other at least)

the whole crew is family to me . rusty doesnt know the concept but it makes it feel warm. she thinks somethings wrong the first time it starts feeling like that

im a supporter of the flicky NOT being her power source theory (if it ends up being that you can ignore this part) so . sometimes she lets it out. its the crews parrot :]

idk this post is getting messy. im very sleepy ill just hit post now

also i made this ↓ feel free to use it

[lannisterdaddyissues]

I want to enable your BillRita screaming so for those ship asks...

How do they sleep?

What's their most and least favorite thing about each other?

How are they with PDA?

What's their favorite thing to tease each other about?

What little things remind them of each other?

I would apologize for how many of these things I sent but we both know I'm not sorry...

OHHHHHHH HEATHER YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU’VE ENABLED ME WITH THIS I’M FROTHING AT THE FUCKING MOUTHHHHHHH GRGSHGRHFJGHASRJGHASJFHSAGRJSFSGAS YOU KNOW I LOVE THEM!!! YOU KNOW I DO!!!!

IM SORRY THIS TOOK 84 YEARS BTW AND THERES A LOT OF TONAL DISSONANCE IN THIS BECAUSE I WAS BEING SILLY AT FIRST BUT THEN I GOT SO FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT THIS YOU KNOW HOW I AM AHRESGAKJHJSGKHALSJGKHFASG ANYWAY-

im putting this under a cut because it is. so fucking long. im so sorry for my mental illness

3. What's their favorite thing to tease each other about? AHHHHHH i think we all know rita will bully bill over anything and everything because she's just. so mean to him 😭 but i think her favorite thing to make fun of him for is his accent, or really just his being american in general because i think he’d be the most stereotypical american guy lol. he has a silly, dumb american accent and he likes silly, dumb american sports and silly, dumb american food! rita pretends to find his Americanisms™ exasperating but privately she thinks they're funny lmao

as for bill, his favorite thing to tease rita about is how messy she is. i’ve already said it, but rita being a messy bitch and bill being a neat freak is one of my favorite headcanons about them sjdfhskjgffjs… you’d think being in the army would’ve taught rita how to put things away but no, bill finds her bras and stuff lying around all the time and it was awkward at first but he’s gotten used to it now, so he lets her have her little rebellion against army regulations and politely pretends that isn’t her. uh. underwear. wedged between the couch cushions next to him when he sits down to do Important Media Relations Major Stuff™ on his computer 😳

5. How do they sleep? they sleep back to back because it's a show of trust and vulnerability for both of them... blubbubbublbddlwwbwudfbfbldludubldublub;;,.,$$.,$,&.,., goodbye... i'm crying now...

of course, by the time the morning rolls around bill is normally lying half on top of rita and drooling a bit on her shirt, which isn’t super sexy but bill will be bill 🤷‍♀️

7. What's their most and least favorite thing about each other? AHHHHHH oh my god. i have to think long and hard about this and it sounds like a cop-out but i truly don't think bill really has a favorite thing about rita. if you ask him what it is, he will actually spontaneously combust from thinking too hard.

but the short answer is her smile!!! he works so fucking hard to make her smile—cracking jokes, doing nice things for her, earning her praise by proving his competence—and he swears it lights up the entire room whenever he can get her to do it!!! 😭 and if he can get her to laugh? he won’t be able to think about anything else but that sound for DAYS

on the other hand, his least favorite thing about her is…well, probably her optimism. she's not very good at it. in fact, most of the time it just makes him feel worse whenever she tells him he’ll just have to try harder next time! like gee, thanks rita! he was already doing that but he’ll take it into consideration… just like he did the last time… and the time before that… and before that…

when it comes to rita though, she would never, even on pain of death, say anything sappy like her “favorite thing” about bill where someone else can hear her, but i think her favorite thing about him is—surprisingly, since it’s his least favorite thing about her—his optimism.

for her, it’s just been so long since she was able to enjoy things without feeling guilt or some kind of loss, but bill somehow never lost that. which certainly isn’t to say he didn’t acquire his fair share of trauma or grief or loss along the way, but he remains steadily resilient in the face of adversity even in the very last iteration—“we’ve had worse :)”—and that strikes a chord with her, i think. then, slowly, being around someone so stubbornly happy despite carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders starts to not only impress her, but it heals her. with his help, she learns to enjoy things again: the delight of a good meal after years of carrying a bad aftertaste in her mouth, the comfort of a spacious hotel room and a soft bed after sleeping on the ground for god knows how long, the satisfaction of a healthy jog just around the block after spending years running at a sprint with no breaks. the all-consuming joy of someone knowing her the way she never dreamed anyone would ever know her again after before. the relief of not having to think about 'before' anymore because now she has an 'after' to look forward to instead.

ahem. sorry. i got carried away for a second.

that being said, her least favorite thing about bill is easy to pin down and that is his complete and utter lack of dignity LOL... rita can say for absolute certain she has never met a man with as little pride as bill cage, and although he is rather funny and makes for surprisingly good company on a quiet day, he is often ridiculously embarrassing to be around and can be very difficult when he doesn’t want to do something because he’s being a chicken about it🙄

14. What little things remind them of each other? ohhhhhhh 🥺🥺🥺 i apologize because u will get a LOT of sappiness for this but-

on bill's side, he is reminded of rita in everything, but mainly in their experiences together. he sees her in a young woman's loosely braided hair as she passes him on the street. he sees her in his coffee cup when the waitress taking his order asks if he wants sugar or cream. he sees her in the sun at 6:45pm exactly, when he and rita sat together on the fence outside the farmhouse and watched it disappear over the horizon. in his lifetime, he's experienced everything with her, and he probably has as many things to remember her by as there are stars in the cosmos.

of course, he's reminded of her in other ways as well. things she taught him. he thinks of her when he looks to the sun to check the time rather than turning over his wrist, just like she taught him. he thinks of her when he does his stretches at the gym, just like she taught him. he thinks of her when he checks all his exits every time he enters a room and someone closes the door, just like she taught him. everything he knows he learned from her and for her.

it's harder for rita though, because she doesn't have anything to remember him by, so she remembers the little things instead: his preferences and whatnot. she pretends not to care when he tells her where he's from or what his favorite color is, but she thinks of him when his favorite baseball team is shown on television, or when she goes for a walk in the park and it starts to rain even though it's sunny out because sunshowers make him smile the brightest :')

26. How are they with PDA? UGHRGRHREHGHUDRHGJSHRKHASG DONT MAKE ME THINK ABOUT ESTABLISHED BILLRITA AND PDA ILL EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no but bill has ALWAYS been a pda guy that much is so obvious!! i think he was always chasing something real with his old girlfriends, and even if it never felt like much with them, it was better than nothing... and then he fell head over ass into the mimic war and the closest thing to PDA he got was a kick in the gut or the barrel a gun trained on his temple, so surely no one can fault him for craving comfort, reassurance, intimacy—anything to take him away from the reality he was living in for even 5 seconds.

...and this did not answer the question at all which is to say bill is SO fucking annoying (affectionate) about pda 😭 rita please hold his hand please kiss him on the forehead please cuddle him he wants to hold you he wants you to hold him PLEASE!!! he will actually die if you don't and then you'll be sad (he hopes) :'(

meanwhile rita is a fan of pda in the way cats are a fan of anything. she either wants all the fucking pda or none of it. if she's not the one initiating, bill is Not the one getting it 😔

[noxexistant]

OKAY BUT WHY ARE YOU GONNA FREAKING TEASE US LIKE THAT. ARE YOU DIAGNOSING THE DELANCEYS OR NOT?!

IM SORRY i was too busy fully crying over the overwhelming response encouraging me to keep talking about my blorbos :’) i got very in my own head that i was being annoying, particularly about the delanceys, but hearing SO MANY PEOPLE ask to hear more is so wild n lovely n auuuuughhh i love you all

ANYWAY. we’re pulling the boys out of the blender to psychoanalyse them for once

cw; talk of food issues, abuse, substance abuse, plus all the usual stuff for my delancey interpretations

it’s rambling time

first of all, oscar.

he absolutely has symptoms of antisocial personality disorder, to start us off.

antisocial personality disorder, like bpd, can be caused both genetically and by abuse/neglect/instability during childhood, and details such as parents abusing alcohol or other substances can factor in. i headcanon both the delanceys’ parents to have abused alcohol, and particularly their mother to have been bipolar, which affects their upbringing and their own genetics/vulnerability to mental illness.

oscar is just so angry, all the time, as a child - nothing is fair, nothing is okay, and there isn’t even anything he can do about it. it’s this crushing sense of frustration and fear and helplessness. even at school, even when he’s really, honestly trying his best, he can’t pay attention. he knows he’s incredibly lucky to be going to school at all - morris’ll never go - but that just means he’s in trouble there as well as at home. he gets caned at school and then comes home to get beat. it’s not fair. nobody listens, nobody treats him well, but he has to look after morris anyway even though nobody’s ever looked after him.

the anger calcifies as he gets older. solidifies into this mass that sits inside him, taking up all the space for anything good. he becomes aggressive and impulsive, and learns to stop caring about other people because none of them can be trusted - enough people have proven themselves awful, his parents and everyone on the streets and snyder and the other kids in the refuge and weasel, so he’ll stop trying and trust they’re all the same. even someone who might not be a threat is probably worthless and useless, he has nothing to gain from doing anything but getting them out of the way, and oscar recognises his hypocrisy because he used to think similar things about morris, but morris is different.

morris is a part of oscar. he isn’t an outsider, he isn’t like anybody else, he’s the only thing in the entire world worth caring about, and oscar does. he doesn’t feel anything when he hurts or scares anyone else, at most feels a sense of satisfaction, but his stomach drops out when he accidentally scares or hurts morris, by shouting at him or moving too fast or doing one of the things that makes morris go empty-eyed and far away. oscar feels sick with guilt then - really, physically sick with it, like it’s surrounding the black mass of his anger and there isn’t enough space for it and it all just starts spilling out - and he doesn’t know how to cope. he doesn’t know how to stomach his love for morris. especially not when it has to sit next to all the anger like that. he tries so hard to keep the two away from each other, but he still gets angry at morris often, although nowhere near as often as he gets aggressive with anybody else. he hits morris sometimes, even though he really doesn’t mean to, and morris always says it’s okay. he says he’s not scared of oscar, not really, no matter what, because they’re them - the two of them, one entity. they’re entirely codependent.

morris has borderline personality disorder. which is also influenced by his autism - these two types of black-and-white thinking and sense of justice and general perception of the world, feeding into each other and creating a sense of isolation that keeps him away from everyone but oscar. oscar’s the only person who can be trusted, and morris loves him more than anything - way, way more than he loves himself, which is not at all. every part of morris, his moods and emotions and his worth and his willingness to do anything, ride wholly on oscar’s mood at that moment and how he’s treating morris. morris is far more likely to hurt himself if oscar is upset with him or not talking to him, which oscar knows, so once they’ve been in the refuge for a while he stops being upset with morris for any longer than the duration of one of his outbursts. he won’t let morris hurt himself anymore, will often encourage morris to hit him instead of hitting himself when he’s upset or frustrated.

still, morris is forever terrified that oscar will leave him just like ma and pa did, so he tries to be good. he tries to always agree with oscar, and keeps quiet when oscar’s having a bad turn, and he doesn’t get mad back even when oscar hits him, though that’s also in part because he can’t. the second morris gets hit like that, he shuts down - thinking about pa - and then everything’s gone for a few hours, maybe a day if it’s really bad. he’s lost months to dissociation before, whole years with only brief glimpses of the surface before he went back down, particularly while he and oscar were in the refuge. there’s things that scare him and upset him that he doesn’t understand because they’re parts of memories he doesn’t remember. he has little to no sense of self and no sense of self-worth, he has bouts of being sure he doesn’t need anyone but oscar and bouts of feeling so lonely he can hardly breathe. he feels empty a lot, but also feels angry and sad and desperately scared, and sometimes giddily happy but it never seems to last long. he thinks about dying a lot.

he also definitely has arfid. it’s a mix of a lot of triggers - his autistic sensitivity to foods, all his trauma surrounding food, and low interest in eating anyway because he can’t understand his own hunger cues and tends not to really enjoy food. he’s been malnourished his whole life, and largely still is, even nearing adulthood - he won’t eat like oscar does, wolfing down a whole plateful of whatever’s on offer, he can’t. he’s sick if he tries to eat food he doesn’t want, and/or has meltdowns. it terrifies oscar, who is just desperate for morris to eat at least enough to be healthy, but even oscar usually can’t convince morris to eat. he focuses on getting the particular foods that morris does like instead, and always keeping them so that he can get morris to eat a bite or two at a time throughout the day. on morris’ worst days, oscar will get him candy - his favourite, the only thing he’ll always eat - and let him eat that like a meal so he’s at least eating something.

that being said, oscar isn’t great about consuming stuff either. he likes alcohol too much, and he’ll do his damnedest to not drink a drop in front of morris but he’ll often sneak out once he knows morris is asleep and duck into a bar for an hour or two. he drinks like he’s trying to knock himself out, which he usually is. he likes a bar fight too - meaningless, usually, and no-holds-barred. he’ll glass someone for saying anything bad about his brother, or anything good about his parents. he drinks what his father used to, because he knows what it’s called and what it tastes like - he’d used to steal swigs from the bottles left out, when he was a little kid. he’d made morris try too, when he was the age oscar’d been when he first tried, but he’d spat it straight back out. oscar’d laughed at him, but now he’s grateful. morris hurts himself enough without adding drinking to the mix.

both of them have c-ptsd. morris has nightmares every single time he falls asleep for long enough, and doesn’t sleep much because of it. oscar has adhd - it influences his aggression and frustration, this constant burning restlessness that exists within him. he’s deeply impatient with anything he finds boring, which includes most people, and he most commonly “stims” with violence. the vast majority of morris’ stims border on self-harm, and he self-harms to stim too, but he has some positive stims - rocking back and forth, bouncing on his heels, stomping his feet, tracing the edges of objects, echolalia. he chews on things, including his own thumb, which he does both because it feels nice and because it hurts. sometimes that’s the same thing to him. he sucks his thumb too, especially for comfort, which ties into one final detail

morris age regresses, or does something adjacent. it’s this kind of undiagnosable no man’s land between his trauma and autism and developmental disability, but mainly just characterised by vulnerability and childishness. oscar’s the only one who really knows, mostly because he’s the only one who could ever notice, but he gets even more protective when he knows morris is more vulnerable - entirely nonverbal, just stimming and comfort-seeking. that’s when oscar sticks right by morris’ side, not getting restless or seeking out any fights for once, not talking for any reason other than to give morris something to listen to. just…looking after his brother, as best he can.

[svturn-exe]

some stuff abt my favorite iredeemable freak ^_^ uhhhhh some general warnings . lots of talk abt murder (he's a slasher it is what it is) some mention of/implied child abuse, vague reference to cannibalism, white man jumpscare

how kenny goes from revenge killing his abuser to just straight up serial killing:

▶kenny kills his old man & gets away with it

▶he wants to relive that moment of finally feeling like he had power over his father, but he's not a necromancer. so he goes for the next best thing: finding an older man to kill pov you are my dad (you're my dad) boogie woogie woogie style

▶eventually (after a couple more kills or smth) kenny is like man if im gonna keep this up and not get caught i have got to find a way to get them somewhere out of public (this is prob b4 he learns the art of breaking and entering)

▶kenny switches to primarily targeting older married men. because he needs to get his victims to go somewhere secluded and out of the way with him, and whats the one thing a young, pretty guy can offer older, unhappily married men that will get them to go somewhere alone with him in secret?

▶eventually through whatever means kenny has the realization that oh. this isn't limited to just dirty old men. i just Like Killing In General, and just about Anybody will follow you just about anywhere if you're cute enough and they think ur gonna let them hit ▶kenny officially enters his 'he should NOT be at the club' era

the mess kenny's trial causes:

▶the people living in foxhole are generally very frustrated with the police. aside from more general acab reasons, public opinion of the police department is very low bc there are so many murders/missing persons cases and no answers or any real progress being made. general consensus is that the police are incompetent (real and true tbh).

▶kenny's trial doesn't help the police salvage their image. he doesn't refute any of the allegations made against him, freely admitting to any murder they pin on him - and to be fair. he did commit a good amount of them. he also just as freely admits when he doesn't remember committing specific murders, but still goes 'yeah i probably did that' anyway, bc he isn't aware of vivian's existence yet ▶for his part, kenny doesn't care enough to dispute the crimes he Didn't commit. and hey, for all he knows? maybe he does sometimes just black out and eat people in the woods. genuinely weirder shit has happened to him ▶ken phoenix is sentenced to death. somehow it gets out to the public that ken was not conclusively deemed fit to stand trial, but was tried anyway. some believe kenny wasn't a murderer, and was in fact just a very, Very mentally ill man, sparking public outrage over the police's incompetence. but like, no guys. they actually got it right this time. it's just that there is a second freak out there

▶normally, death row inmates can be there for years, up to literal decades. kenny's execution was fast tracked - so many people have been dying/going missing & the police need a win. they want this guy dead asap so they can tell the public look! we got the guy he's dead the day is saved and we're definitely not incompetent :)smile . but then the killings continue, even though ken phoenix is (legally) dead

▶him going from trial to sentencing to death row to lethal injection so quickly contributes to public outrage, alongside the killings continuing even after kenny is "killed." the public's fuck-the-police meter is at an all time high, and there's a secret third freak looking to take advantage of that sentiment (hi simon ^_^)

other shit:

▶ken is vain in a very smug way. he knows he's got a cute face and uses it for evil ▶kenny's burns were definitely a lot more extensive when they were fresh, bc kiera and cindy Trapped him in a locked room in that house before lighting it the fuck up. and after a certain point the house just collapses and buries him in on-fire wood, and he just cooks in there for a bit b4 vivian comes along and picks him up by the scruff out of the smoldering wreckage ▶for a while, until they start to heal, kenny is just wiped the fuck out on whatever surface vivian dumps him on. bc existing hurts and he's in desperate need of aloe vera ▶kenny is 12 when his mother is murdered, 19 when he kills his father, and by the time he's arrested and put on trial, he's 23 and in his 2nd year of college. he's almost exactly 10 years younger than vivian ▶ken's pupils are stuck at maximum dilation, but his eyes are so dark it's normally impossible to tell. if a uv light is shined on his eyes, however, the thin rings of his irides can be seen. but good luck getting him to keep his eyes open long enough to see - his eyes are very sensitive to light, despite being so dark. this also contributes to him becoming mostly nocturnal after the lethal injection ▶your greatest self defense weapon against kenny is one of those super laser blast industrial flashlights. or one of those stupid strong laser pointers that can get you arrested if you shine them at an airplane. shine that shit in his eyes and sprint for your life ▶ken is very pale, has a far slower-than-average heart rate, runs cold, and doesn't blink very often. if need be, he can play a very convincing corpse ▶hypothetically, if somewhere who were, say, extra sensitive to psychic & supernatural phenomena were to come into direct contact with whatever it is that's keeping kenny alive and everybody's problem. it would not end well ▶after kenny is put to death, from a forensic standpoint, they have no fucking idea what's going on. the leading theory is that the real killer stole ken's corpse from the morgue and is dragging him around on a tour-de-stab to mock the police. in reality, that weasely twink just woke up in the morgue and walked out ▶during the sentencing hearing, as the judge is giving justification for why kenny's sentence is what it is, they make a comment along of lines of 'i would not be surprised if he had assisted his father in his mother's killing.' this pisses kenny the fuck off, and he attempts to get at the judge and kill them right then and there. he's cuffed down, but cuffs don't mean much to a guy who cares more about throttling you until you neck snaps than he does about not breaking his own wrists. ▶the first thing kenny does after he gets vivian to sew him back up and let him out the cabin is he's tracking down that fucking judge that Dared to imply he'd kill his mom and Obliterating them. bro is gonna turn them into a human jigsaw puzzle it's so over

[3rrorsnas]

URGH I HATE NPD TESTS. I FEEL LIKE IM BOTH EACH TIME. I'm both overly confident but have awful self esteem lurking in the background and they're both fighting to come out. it depends on who I'm around with and what happens. basically I feel that with strangers I'd be super confident, then have some moments of opening up about my self doubts, then be confident again but in a more healthy way and basically sorta hyping each other up. but it without being linear like- I still have moments where I feel like shit and open up to people close to me about my lack of self esteem.

(it's long TT/gen srs) :

like see?? overall I wanna be the center of attention, in a way of "I've been isolated for a huge chunk of my life and am scared to be alone" and "I need the attention to get validation in order to counter my lack of self esteem"

BUT me being isolated for so long ALSO drives me to be awkward, shy, and sometimes straight up scared to interact with people because I'm scared to mess things up or just don't know how to do so[interact] (especially if you take into account me being autistic and already struggling as heck with social cues). but I'm ALSO scared to get the attention from the fear that that attention would be bad attention where people would ridicule me/not take me seriously (FUCJ YOU CQ./SRS NEG) and just lead my self estime to drop even lower

YOU SEE MY FKING PROBLEM???/SRS NEG ANGRY sad.

I feel like I'm both extremities, and if not at the same time then shifting from one another too often./srs neg tired (ntm at self tbh, I don't hate how I am. I'm just frustrated by the problems I encounter. it's tiring./srs neg info)

as someone who has been manipulated before, I don't like it. but that doesn't mean that I don't find it easy or I can never see myself being able to do so easily.

I just hate people lying and I can get the job done by being straightforward anyway, I'm not losing time with this bs./srs neg tense info

yeah, as someone who is fcking ridiculed by an ENTIRE MULTIVERSE and THEIR(my) CREATOR I don't really think I get the respect that I deserve. hmph./s angry srs gen (tired and sad too)

like all I'm asking is people to not make fun of me being bipolar. and autistic. and mentally ill. for FUCK'S sake.

yeah I probably warded off half(/exaggeration) the system including fresh with my shouting. sorry pal/gen srs)

...d-

do I.

do I even.

ahaha- do I even have to fucking answer this???!! are you shitting me???/s srs neg angry

you know the answer./neg

im fREAKING AUTISTIC. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME??

I'm calling this infodumping but whatever./s ntm neutr tired

(I like showing my puppets and plushies ok?) (they're pretty and took time to make and are sort of like my friends, I'm proud of making them)

...this is a freaking trick question./srs neg stressed because bOTH ARE TRUE.

...does this count if you didn't have the choice? or refused help when you needed until people forcefully got you out of trouble?/gen srs gq

....I'd say it does./srs, ???/

...ok yeah...I...think I made....that clear.../srs, neg(?), shameful, tired/

aha...yes, I do.../lh, gen, pos, less sad/

[adolescenceknight]

In character. Talk about knight and his haram

"errrr... i'm not jewish?"

"oh! well! geez i dunno if it's a HAREM per se, ahaha... d-do you really think so?"

"first there's master, master parka blue! he's my fiancé! hehe~ did i ever tell you how he proposed? look look, he cut off my pinky! it was my birthday, and he fake kidnapped me, and after lots of torture he brought out a ring♥︎! it's a blood diamond, see? of course i said yes, how could i not after the best birthday ever~? then there's his little brother yellow, and his big brother polar-- yellow likes me enough but i don't think polar does very much... one of these days he will :3. yellow's better anyway! hehe! he's the best, he'll do some of the stuff master thinks is 'too weird', hehe~ then there's his big sister panda, hhheheh... i love her, she's so pretty, and... a-anyway. um. then there's the robots! receiver, transmitter, and villainous! the first two are the oldest, but they're super different, like, receiver hates my guts but mitter likes me i think! probably? im scared to say any of them really LIKE me, but... they like playing with me ;3! even villainous does sometimes if i just convince him to! okay, who else... should i count master's parents? gakuran and eoe, they're these amazing scientists who created the robots, i don't think they're too fond of me either but that's okay! makes it easier for them to punish me~ huh? what was i talking about? oh. right. ummm, there's my goddess yolk, and her brother mustard... i haven't seen him in a while :( but goddess always seems happy to see me! and im happy to see her! i think she said something about mustard getting a boyfriend or something, i dunno, i'm bad at listening. um, then there's pink, he's master's friend! i didn't know he had friends, crazy right? he doesn't like me either. i think we're both mentally ill in the same way and it doesn't work well. we freak each other out. but wow... i wish he'd give me some attention, i'd love to be one of his victims one day... is that everyone? oh! council! council is polar's old babysitter, he takes me out to dinner sometimes! hehe, he's kinda freaky if you push his buttons enough~ okay. i THINK that's everyone. i don't... think i should bring my family into this..."

[quodekash]

gosh darnnit im tired 

in other words: time for my weekly ramblings about a bl where im mildly interested in the main couple but the side couple means more to me than anything and no i will not stop talking about them 

slight warning, there will be one mention of sa and one mention of murder/suicide (both of which are my personal speculation about particular situations, and there’s no detail apart from the word being mentioned). i also discuss/ramble to myself about mental health problems, and alcohol abuse. so if any of those things are triggering for you in any way, please be cautious about reading this, take necessary precautions, and if it’s particularly distressing, i urge you to call a local hotline for these kinds of emergencies. i care about all of you and your health and safety, whether i know you or not, and if you ever need to talk about anything at all, lemme know, my ask box and my dms are always open. 

anyway, on with the show! 

if you haven’t figured it out yet, this is... 

MY THOUGHTS ON EPISODE 4 OF ABAAB 

(if youre new here, it will literally be all of my thoughts on everything while im watching it bc i feel like im annoying my friends with my ramblings so instead ill annoy all of this circle of tumblr. and it will probably not be coherent. youre welcome.) 

i’m obsessed with his little ‘cher is so cute’ smile 

THATS HOW I FEEL ABOUT LITERALLY THIS EXACT POST 

dONT YOU DARE DO A PATPRAN 

that’s real insightful, cher. id never thought of that one before. the statement really gets me thinking. 

are you- are you saying what i think you’re saying? or am i more dirty minded than i thought 

his hair is extra curly today and its veyr pretty 

the curls are giving charlie spring vibes from the side 

i would like to touch his hair please 

the fact that covid exists in this universe is weirdly funny to me 

yup that sounds about right. no one rly cares about covid anymore when the entire world is ending 

YAY HE’S FINALLY OPENING UP TO HIM 

that freaking sucks tho 

and what’s worse is it’s very likely tian was r*ped 

WHY DO ALL THE HAPPY FEEL-GOOD SHOWS HAVE TO HAVE SAD DEATH BACKSTORIES BEHIND 50% OF THE FREAKING CHARACTERS 

GUN (msp)’S DAD IS DEAD AND HIS MUM SPENDS HALF THE SHOW LOW-KEY DYING (and i swear if they do something to gim in our skyy 2 im gonna fly to thailand and have some words with people) 

AYAN’S DAD LEFT, HIS UNCLE DIED 

THUA’S DAD DIED 

HALF THE CHARACTERS IN THE ECLIPSE HAVE DIAGNOSED DEPRESSION AND THE REST OF THEM ARE UNDIAGNOSED BUT ITS DEFINITELY THERE 

HERE, JACK HAS DEPRESSION (and i rly hope they go into that more in depth later in the show bc he intrigues me. if they dont go into it more then im writing a way too in depth analysis post of jack) 

AND NOW FREAKING CHER’S FRIEND/CRUSH FROM CHILDHOOD IS FREAKING DEAD AND HER BODY WAS FLOATING IN A POND WHICH DOESNT RLY LEAD TO ANY IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS OF A NATURAL DEATH WHICH MEANS IT WAS PROBABLY MURDER AND/OR SUICIDE WHICH MAKES IT EVEN FREAKING WORSE 

i knew it was too good to last. the over-confident, cocky, funny, sassy/sarcastic people are generally the most messed up, they just hide it via humour and feigned confidence (i am most certainly not one of these people at all) 

cher stop drinking, you’re gonna hurt yourself. also the alcohol might feel like it’s lifting the burden of thinking and stops you from worrying about everything thats happening, but itll come rushing back to you when you’re sober and worse because youll have a hangover, and it’s only a temporary fix, drinking only works for a couple of hours. you need a more permanent fix, cos if you keep turning to alcohol, itll turn into addiction and substance abuse and dependency, none of which are good, all of which are much harder to get out of than they are to get into. so yeah, just chill with the drinking a little bit. i get that you need to let it all out and you need to not feel for a bit, and that’s totally okay, but you need to make sure you’re not over-indulging yourself. otherwise youll be very ill in the long-term, both physically and mentally 

PFFFT THIS WAS THE PERFECT SHOT TO END IT ON 

final thoughts: 

theyve both said things that make absolutely no sense in context unless theyre confessions of feelings, and yet theyre definitely gonna continue to do the “what if he doesnt like me back” thing even tho its SO CLEAR to LITERALLY EVERYONE they have feelings for each other 

theyve gotten so close to kissing this episode and yet they havent which is sad, but also at least they have kissed at one point before getting to the point where they COULD have kissed a grand total of siXTY-SEVEN TIMES- (shut up im not talking about tinngun what are you talking about. .....but also if you wanted to see that post where i count out all of the times tinngun didn’t kiss...) 

very sad with the complete and utter lack of threezo in this episode. actually, it’s not even a lack of threezo. neither of them even appeared in the episode. neither was even mentioned. they (i.e. the characters, the creators of the show) are all acting like threezo AREN’T the most important characters in this entire show 

i love threezo 

where is threezo 

or is it zothree

either way i dont mind bc i love them 

where was i 

oh right 

this episode was pretty good, very emotional, i definitely didnt cry what are you talking about (who am i kidding, eveyrone knows i cried three times, you dont even need me to tell you) 

im excited for episode 5 

that is all, thank you and goodnight 

[fictionkinfessions]

heya the #boomingpizzapie jax here (btw ty for tagging it ik the ask is not out yet at this time for writing it but tyyy) this is going to be scattered but idgaf!! anyways. i think its fucking funny in the circus i cannot curse but now since im in a new body and stuff i can curse how ever tf i want. this is actually a first for me to kin someone who is mostly kinned in the fandom. (im seeing alot of other me's...im going to bonk yall with a mallet/silly) (im not gonna do that lmao but we should cause chaos later) going to be honest im scared to search myself up bc like..ik there is already that type of art bc im sortaaaa the fan favorite (i think- either that or the 2nd) and..when your the fan favorite there is going to be awful things made. any kins out there (doesnt actually have to be the amazing digital circus kin) who naturally pose like their source and notice it and freaks out about it. bc i did lmao the hand on the hip thing i do all the time rn and its funny i did that in canon too its..odd that i was the youngest in the circus (creator listed our ages i am the youngest at the time of this ask) bc tbh i thought gangle was going to be the youngest and zooble would be the oldest. i mean it makes sense kinger is the oldest but my brain was going way off lol. random other thing but like. i oddly cannot type like i sound like in my source. most of my sources im a jackass but i act nice in front of people/mental health issues are a bitch im destroying my issues with a mallet anyways to any the amazing digital circus kins..hey yall its weird (at least to me) that our bodys are now...yk normal human stuff..its odd lmao. anyways i miss yall losers i hope yall doing well. remember to take care of yourselfs. to any pomnis i hope yall are doing alright. i know im a jackass but like..im hoping your ok. to dollface i also hope ur doing well. hope ur not mad at the centipede thing. sorry bout that to other jax's.. we need to make a club so we can prank others or mess with others i think it be fun. to gangle..you get a big hug from me. i know you probably dont wanna hang. or anything but like..just wanna apologize for the shit i did to ya. just know i dont hate ya and im deeply sorry/gen kinger. ill admit it. even tho in canon you..lost ya mind pretty much..your a cool guy. ill admit it. i hope ur doing well as well. to everyone else (im too lazy to write everyone else) i hope yall doing ok too yall are neat in yall silly way. (even non canons <D <- thats a smiley face btw) -Jax from the digital circus (#boomingpizzapie) (dear god i wrote alot.)

🐸

[user2315]

this cycle is getting so annoying. im tired of waking up. tired of eating. tired of distracting myself. tired of everything i have to do. its completely pointless. i was thinking of going to community college so i have something new to do and maybe i can meet people and make friends. but then i thought about it and asked myself, do you REALLY think thats going to happen? after all those years in school and i never made a friend or even had someone to at least talk to. how am i magically gonna change this time? its gonna be the same shit. and after awhile i’ll probably regret it and become even more miserable. if i did do it, itll all come back to this. back to where i always go. every time i think im improving and moving forward, i actually just go back to the same spot before. so whats the point? i wanna kill myself but i know i’ll need a gun to actually succeed. or a really really really tall building, which is no where near me, of course. i feel like a corpse dragging its disgusting body around. they were right, im a gross freak and thats why im getting no where in life and nobody loves me and all i can do is sit in my room and feel sorry for myself. talking to people doesnt even help anyway, everyone wants to either talk about themselves or some stupid moid i dont care about. and how theyre “depressed” because this ugly male doesnt wanna fill them with their semen. thats basically all it is. whores that think theyre mentally ill because they wanna get fucked by someone who doesnt want them. retards. i always felt insecure about not being able to relate to other girls, but luckily i realized all it is is being a whore that cries over men and now im glad that i was never a typical girl. but i also wish i wasnt unwell. you win some, you lose some, i guess.

[moonjxsung]

HELLAUR POOKIE I MISSED YOU RAHHHH it has been a serious hot minute since ive been back here hello everyone hello star hello every single 85 anons (woah thats a lot) RAHHH first of all i reread all of your anon asks and your personal updates on your blog and im really upset to hear that youre taking down all of your small drabbles and requests (rip my favorite minho biker story <//3) but honestly i totally do understand where you stand on this and i respect your opinion im just glad youre still here and staying with us !!! (im chaining up your ankles and keeping you here forever who's in who's basement now huh !! yeah thats what i thought !!! [we have conjoined basements])

I MISSED YOU STAR RAHHH i was going through yet another week of "oh shit i think my mental health is depleting but im going to pretend that its not at a critical level right now and immerse myself in studies and hope it goes away" but in fact it did not go away and i dont know how i feel right not BUT ITS OKAY because im rewatching komi cant communicate and i made my 84th spotify playlist on my fifth spotify account and i used to use 4 spotify accounts during 2022-2023 so this is probably like my 600th smth playlist but yk!!! (i made a total of like 30+ this year so far im goign crazy star help me)

speaking of i shoudl send you my new playlist on discord ALSO i saw you and an anon talking about 505 RAHHHHH ARCTIC MONKEYS <333333 i used to be a huge arctic monkeys fan but now im getting back into them i literally have a 505 phase RIGHT NOW ive been listenign to it on loop !!! idk why im so energetic right now rahh i missed you lots oh yeah also !!! my $50 temu package arrived and i like freaked out about it for like a solid 15 minutes then proceeded to lose my ring and brand new keychain in like the next 2 hours (im so upset) its okay though cs they were like 50 cents each i can rebuy it !!! (im still upset) star im not kidding im serious when i say ive spent over 90 bucks on temu during hte past like 3-4 months please help me star im going insane my friends keep saying that im such a loyal temu customer that atp the company is going to start recruiting me to be one of their asian workers in china and ill be enslaved earning two pennies a day for the rest of my life

did you knwo peppermint candy is good

~《☘️》

HIIIIIIIII POOOOKIEEEEE RAHHHHHH I MISSED YOU SO MUCH HOW ARE YOU HOW’S IT GOINGNTHTJFJDKDKDJ I will gladly remain shackled to the confines that are tumblr. I love it here (mostly) I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH RAHHH‼️‼️‼️‼️

I’m SOOOO sad about my shorter drabbles (biker!minho story was literally my fav one by FAR oh my god) but hopefully they can pick up again in the future 💔💔 fuck you wattpad thieves. We all booed !

ANYWAYS I MISSED YOU TOOOO I was also having a shitty mental health week and I’ve just been insanely busy like I haven’t had a single second this week to just sit down and take a fucking breather!!!! But we made it to the weekend and I’m alive RAHHHH star lives to see another weekend of interacting w her beloved anons and consuming kpop content 💯💯 I hope you’re doing better though my sweet angel!!!! April has been so shitty but I know we’re gonna make it out of it alive somehow 🫶 ALSO YES SEND ME ALL THE SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS I NEED SO MUCH NEW MUSIC TO LISTEN TO ‼️‼️ I’ve been listening to the arctic monkeys nonstop again bc I was talking about them on here I LOVEEEE HOW WE’RE BOTH BACK IN 505 PHASE SOOOO REAL

PLELWKAKSLDKSKEKDKR RHE TEMU PART 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 CRYINGNTJTNGNFMEMEJ THAT’S me at the fucking kpop store near my HOUSEEEMEKEKE I SPENT $200 THERE TODAY AND IM GOING BQDK TOMORROW BC THEY GOT THE NEW JHOPE KEYCHAINS AND BEANIES IN STOCK I NEED RHEM SOOOO BAD. YOU AND ME RETAIL THERAPY TOGETHER ERA WHEN 😍😍😍😍🫶

Also peppermint candy is good but not as good as you I love you so much RAHHHHH I MISSED YOU SO BADDDJEKSKSKSKS

[clockworkslick]

oh. its 10/16. so short summary before i talk about nothing for a bit too long: a year ago i came up with the idea to actually go through with taking one of my silly ideas and turning it into something that other people could read, so i started drafting the concept of providence, a webcomic i make and thats updating everyday. more talking under the whatever.

so ive always made little stories that i would run through in my head for like two or three months when i had mental downtime, and then move on to some other goofy idea. this is either a totally normal thing or im a freak, honestly i have no frame of reference for how other people act. anyways i was home from college last year and i had this idea for an rpg fantasy story, initially an idea for playing modded minecraft with some friends (god i wish that was a joke), but i started writing shit down in a google doc. i wrote out a handful generic slots for various fantasy classes: witch, dryad, ranger, knight, vampire(not a class but i dont give a fuck), blacksmith, etc. and then i named some of them. i finished naming and writing out plot nonsense in november and changed the name of the comic from "Drive-By" to "Liberty" to "Providence."

honestly i think that was the easy part because its totally non-commital. unfortunately after that i had to actually start making the pages. the original plan was to finish act one before may, which was an optimistic goal to say the least, but also maybe if i didnt have to do anything else it would have been totally possible. or if i was just faster in general. anyways i started drawing everything at the end of december and then didnt stop for 6 months. actually thats a lie, i started drawing pages and havent stopped since then, but what i meant is that i started uploading the comic in may. i had a backlog of about 75 pages and the art change just in that time was nuts. comparing act 2 art to act 1 is more nuts but im not about to redraw the 170 pages of a1 just so that its APPEALING and PALLETEABLE. i learned way more about web design from doing this comic than from my actual web design class. like insanely more. you have no idea how little that class helped me with anything aside from making friends through mutual hatred of being poorly taught.

sixo de mayo (may 6th) came and i started doing this thing for real, and its been so surreal having people actually talk to me about these guys that have been in my head for months. my sister recently asked if deacon was my self-insert, which is sort of true but only in the sense that we both have social issues and like to be dumb on sort-of-purpose, and then she told me that her favorite character was reagan. theres not really any deep meaning behind her telling me or that reagan is my favorite too, but its just so surreal to me that people can have a favorite, or any opinion, on these characters i obsess over.

alright i think im done for now, i just wanted to talk about the comic on its sort of birthday, and also the day that the gang got pulled into the story. i mentioned that vaguely in the story once already, but im cool with being more direct about it. ill probably go on another rant again about this sometime, maybe on sixo de mayo, but probably sooner because im obsessive and like to type. happy birthday comic, heres to a million more. or however many years it takes to make a 5 act story at a rate of like 200 pages in 10 months. hopefully that number will go up.

[begerev]

im freaking out just thinking about having to go to school next year, ik for sure it's gonna mess my mental health, seriously why do i have to go. I can totally survive with no studying, ill be dumb academically but i always find a way to survive, maybe i can sell food in the hot sun, seriously i dont care abt anything involving the real world or work or studies the only studies i care is art ones, i just wanna play games, watch stuff and draw and then ill find a way to get money, maybe thru commissions, or something idk maybe ill draw p*rn, i wont go far in life anyways its not like i can get the best job as a poor person where i live, its not like ill have the best job opportunities just because i studied. I hate how stuff works like this, ik i cant talk this with my parents because they will force me to go to school anyways, they probably think its gonna fix me or something, ill probably wont do anything again and ill just take it like i always do.

[cheriboms]

...starting to think i am mentally unwell