#and how it relates to how people irl find themselves in that position and the relationship of that to support networks

[themyscirah]

Started a post comparing the Messner-Loebs Flash and WW runs and their successes and failures (imo) in portraying certain themes and their similarities to each other but it started getting long and im a very slow tumblr post writer so that's a meta for another day. I do have what I think are well formed opinions on this and I'm fresh off of reading both runs so you guys are not allowed to let me forget abt writing this all up okay. Okay.

[beneathsilverstars]

hello for the ask game 9: any theories on stuff unexplained by the game?

I always love theories and thoughts and worldbuilding hcs etc so anything in that vein works :3

I think my favorite little worldbuilding headcanon is that Ka Bue is super chill about aromanticism and asexuality! Not in the same way as irl activism, but it's something that is understood and respected in their ideology, like transgenderism in Vaugarde. So if we combine the powers of everyone in the crew we'll get an entire queer-friendly worldview going lmao!

Maybe... Something about an overarching philosophy of understanding the self? In Vaugard they see the self as something you refine through making, creating and destroying and rebuilding, but in Ka Bue you're supposed to be uncovering and polishing what's already there. And part of that is understanding your position in relation to others, so they have a lot of little descriptive words for flavors of relationships and dynamics, and being the sort of person who seeks those dynamics. Like "oh i'm usually the comedic straight man of the friend group and i seek out jokesters who play well off of that". And that means that nonsexual romance, nonromantic sex partners, QPRs, etc, are all understood dynamics, and various kinds of friend and family and colleague relationships are seen as distinctly important, and being alone is seen as a valid dynamic!

Now that I've typed this out I love it more and more... I was originally just thinking about the metaphor of cutting and polishing a gemstone, but having a lot of little Dynamics that various people may find more or less relevant to themselves is a similar approach to having thousands of Expressions! And it meshes with the transphobia as well - you can describe yourself as having dysphoria but you're not supposed to go and try to change that.

And there's that Odile + Isabeau conversation where she gets really specific about their relationship: "We're not friends, we're associates. Colleagues. Allies at best." And she's obviously joking, but this hc puts some extra weight behind her making that particular sort of joke! Plus she's the one who's like, "I wouldn't call you all friends, that would be weird, we're more like family," and she gets mad about being called the mom. I love the idea that she has Very specific dynamic classifications in mind for her relationship with each member of the crew, and gets pissy that Vaugardian doesn't have the same nuance/connotations!

And this philosophy being the total opposite of the Change belief is so interesting for Odile in particular! It would definitely flavor people's perception of her in Ka Bue - oh, she's one of those fickle Vaugardians who change masks every day and will never truly understand themselves. No wonder she wanted to get actual Vaugardian perspective on their belief. Oh, how lovely it will be for her to synthesize the two extremes, and both discover and create who she is!!

[mihai-florescu]

are u cis

Funny you asked this while i was having one of the weekly breakdowns over having to be a real person. Well but i will enlighten you to the truth: terms like cis and trans, and gender as a whole, are for other people. I as an individual have no need for things like an identity, and it only is useful for others in a society to know where to position themselves in relation to me, or where to place me in their head. It's fine if people still believe in things like gender, i cant stop you, everyone has worldly crutches they might find comfort in. But ive been rooting for gender abolition altogether because i find it too bothersome and troubling what people do as a result of the belief in gender (all the roles, stereotypes, expectations, punishments), yet i know it's never going to happen. Once again im the only person who sees the truth... I dont have much of a desire of participating in the world as a person, im sure if i did id be more interested in concepts like my own identity, or rather id be preoccupied by worries over how im perceived by peers and would gravitate to find comfort in labels. Ah, but then i wouldnt be "me" if i cared about it.

The tldr easiest to explain to most people i give is im agender, dgaf about labels, if you want to look at me as cis ok, if you want to look at me as trans ok, anything else ok, i dont care about other people enough to be bothered with what you label me as. Im just a vague entity made of pixels and thoughts in your phone that shouldnt exist beyond :3 but if im talking to someone irl i remove the last sentence unfortunately...

[freeuselandonorris]

As someone's who's totally asexual (I recently learned the term Aegosexual and it fits me to a tee), I think you and your experiences - pretty much my polar opposite - are fascinating. Some would find that surprising; I'm ace so I'm supposed to be sex-repulsed, sit in judgement of hypersexual or just plain horny-as-hell types, and have a default setting of kink-shaming. Not a bit of it! I love knowing what life is like at what many would consider to be the other extreme of the wide variety of sexualities. Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly. Have fun and be safe!

hey!! this ask genuinely made my day, thank you so much.

one of the best things kink has taught me is that sexuality is so completely different for everyone, and that there’s so much joy to be found in that active resistance to any kind of definition. part of why i love writing fic so much and particularly why i love talking about sex/kink on here — whether that’s fic-related, fantasy-related or in terms of the actual sex i have irl — is because it’s fascinating to me to think about what does and doesn’t get people off, and what an incredibly broad spectrum that is! there’s probably not two people in the whole world who have the exact same sexual profile, and i think that’s so fucking cool. i find it really easy to put myself in the position of someone who has a particular kink or sexuality (this is why i love getting requests for prompts like vore and inflation that weren’t necessarily something i would seek out myself). so it’s extremely neat to me that other people can get the same levels of fascination from reading about my experiences and thoughts, especially when it’s something they don’t wish to experience themselves.

interestingly, i also was unfamiliar with the term aegosexual but actually it described me perfectly from about the age of 22-28, where i was completely voluntarily celibate. funny how things turn out!

[lotus-tower]

tbh my tastes are just cartoony by nature and I’m not interested in realistic characters who are just like…. Normal people. I can go outside to find those. Obviously not all books and stories use characters in the way we’ve come to expect in fandom but the use of the words “relatable” or “deeply human” even in fandompilled circles like YA just makes me like…. Why. why are you allergic to giving the protagonist a unique narrative voice, let alone letting them be an unrelatable little weirdo

but anyway, this makes female characters a uniquely interesting and difficult area because especially in fantasy contexts where nothing about what primarily defines the experience of women in our world holds true, how do you define them as women without falling back on bioessentialist notions? how much are the male characters in these stories really palpably “male” in gender in the substance of their beings rather than just our expectations and preconceptions as readers?

it’s impossible to completely extricate our ideas about gender and our specific positional perspectives even if we craft a “genderless” female character. even if we don’t have a clear picture ourselves about what womanhood would mean in this world without irl gender, some remnants of that structure and logic will be left anyway. and those will say something about us as writers. but are fantasy writers (including fandom people who think of themselves as writers) interested in exploring and interrogating that themselves, proactively?

i know that most people are interested in real gender dynamics, and writing about reality, because duh. but the realm of unreal, un-people-like people will never stop being fascinating to me. and it’s so obvious how women are afforded a much lesser range and flexibility in the realm of the imagination, exaggeration, and stylization. maybe it’s harder for people to stylize women because in many ways women are already a stylization in real life. but it reminds me of how poc are given so much less access to the fantasy in fantasy, because the genre itself wasn’t built for them, in a way that is much more complicated and difficult to resolve than simple prejudice.

[catherinekal]

How to Love Yourself

Lets talk about how to love yourself.

Why?

Well here’s why. I want to talk about many topics related to mental health and bettering your life. A process I’ve been slowly trying to do for my own life and no sense keeping any advice I’d have to myself. To even begin the process though you have to tackle what is the most important, the most central, the core of all positive mental health.

You have to love yourself.

Ok so here’s the thing. I have typed almost 7000 words about what is probably the most important thing you can do for your mental health. It’s also one of the most difficult things to do for a lot of people (myself included) and all to often people give this advice and don’t elaborate. Understandable as someone like me elaborating ends up being an entire goddamn novel, but it’s important someone does and I think people need to hear it.

I’m tired of well meaning people giving this advice only to then get disappointed, upset, mad, or frustrated when just telling someone to magically love themselves doesn’t magically fucking work. You should love yourself! Make no mistake the advice is good.

However, just telling someone, especially someone who’s going through a crisis, to love themselves and expecting that to work suddenly is stupid. Its a process. A process I myself still struggle with literally every day. Telling someone to love themselves and just wiping your hands and going “well looks like my work here is done” isn’t enough. Self love is brutally hard for many people and without certain strategies and slow steps taken it just won’t come to a lot of people.

Full disclosure, I am not a trained professional.

I don’t have a psychology degree or would ever call myself an expert on those matters. Just a silly film degree that sits in a closet not being used. I’m not therapist, but in a better life I would be. I think I’d be good at it honestly. But I am not and neither is this. This does not mean it can’t help as I wouldn’t have typed it then. Just that I don’t want anyone treating this as any replacement for professional help.

Do not take any of this as professional advice and certainly don’t use this as a shorthand for therapy.

However, remember you don’t need any degree to help people.

What I do have is an understanding of my own mind and the difficulty of self love. See here’s the thing, so much self help advice and guides come from people who are well off. They’re in good relationships. They have loved ones. They’re comfortable with their appearance. Their needs are met. Not saying those people shouldn’t give advice of course, but let’s be honest with ourselves, it can be frustrating when people who have every reason to be happy expect you to just magically change your negative thinking when your situation is well, utter shit. I get that frustration. Of course it’s easy for YOU to love yourself with your good life, but mines horrible so why should I do the same? A thought that comes all to easy.

So here’s my qualifications. I hate my appearance. I live alone. I have 1 IRL friend I basically only see at work. I only have 2 other people I consider my close friends and they live in another state across the country. I’m trans with parents who I’m dreading finding out as they won’t accept it. I have depression, borderline personality disorder, and the ever lovely dysphoria at my own body. I am extremely touched starved. I moved to another state to live with people I love who now hate me. I work a shitty retail job that pays only just enough to get by.

I frequently hate myself. I frequently feel inadequate. I’ve been abandoned on more then 1 occasion from relationships and friends. I was literally depressed and spiraling down a negative hole just recently a few days ago. Hell I think about daily and have made 3 attempts at...well.. I won’t say the word. Though unfortunately you can’t talk about self love without addressing self hate and you can’t address self hate without going into THAT topic. Rest assured I will put trigger warnings before and after when I get to that topic. Skip if you must.

So as you can see I’m perfectly unqualified to talk about how to self love, which ironically makes me very qualified in my eyes. I’m not sitting atop my mountain of a wondeful life demanding you just love yourself and be happy. I get it. I understand. Life fucking sucks and I know many obstacles that get in the way of self love. I understand how hard it is. I know that me or anyone just telling you to love yourself and all your problems will be solved won’t work.

Of course I can’t love myself Catherine! I’ve got (insert list of all my negative traits and problems in life) why would I even think I should love myself!?

Well lets get into it. Strap the fuck in because this will be a long one. You had plans tonight? Fuck em time to read about self love instead.

Part 1: Actually Wait! Let’s Address Causes For Self Hatred.

Before we even get into steps to self love we need to talk about self hatred. If you struggle to love yourself then chances are you find it really easy to hate yourself instead. I can relate to that very much.

Why would anyone hates themselves? Well that answer will change from person to person and rely on specific individual things to them. However, I can talk about why I’ve hated myself for so long and why its so easy to just be in that place. No one truly wants to be hated or hate themselves, but lets face it. Self hatred is safe and easy. There’s a certain comfort in viewing yourself as nothing but trash and thinking everyone should do the same.

Can’t disappoint anyone if you’re hated to begin with can you? Disappointment comes from love right? Someone you love hurting you creates disappointment. Creates pain. If you hate yourself you will encourage others to hate you as well so you never have to risk getting hurt by others.

I feel guilty over many past mistakes. People I’ve hurt. I hyper focus on my negatives (shouts out to my lovely depression for helping me do that, fucking bitch of a mental illness) I have no path in life, no sense of self (I blame BPD for that, the other bitch of a mental illness I have) I don’t take care of myself well. I feel like I haven’t even begun to live life and I’m 30. I have very few friends and what friends I have I’m always wondering, are they just tolerating me? Do they really care or are they just afraid of what I would do if they left me and don’t want a guilty conscious?

I have every reason to hate myself.

I could list so many names of people just in this past year alone I’ve hurt. Losing the perfect relationship I was in. The many friends I had. Getting banned from a community I loved. Joining new communities and then the cycle continues. Making friends, spiraling emotionally, pushing them away, losing them, getting banned. Repeat. Living alone and barely talking to anyone in person. Seeing my ex at work and getting the death stare that just cuts through my fucking soul. Hating myself comes all to easy for me.

So I get it. You’re talking to the fucking queen bitch bee of self hatred. Well maybe not, but I certainly understand the feeling of going the whole day just thinking your shit and that you deserve all the horrible things you’re feeling and just wishing for the worst.

Part 1.1: You Should (Not) Kill Yourself

Trigger Warning! Uncomfortable Topic Ahead

Until you see this text again the difficult and dark topic of suicide will be discussed. Skip if you must.

So yeah the worst. You know, that fun S word.

Suicide.

Personally I can talk about this topic all day and will do a deeper dive into it one of these days. For now lets just keep It simple or as simple as I can.

When you’re so absorbed in the void. So lost in it and spiraling further down this is where you’ll usually end up. How the hell do you love yourself when your mind is filled with thoughts of going back to that gun store, getting a pistol, and doing what you should have done months ago to end yourself? Very specific thoughts I’ve had many times since December when I in fact almost bought a gun to end my life with. Funny how easy it is to get one as an American.

So whats to be done when your mind is in that state? How do you stop it?

You don’t.

No really. You can’t in that specific moment. Trying to love yourself when your mood and mind are this far deep just isn’t going to work and shouldn’t be the goal then. No your goal is to

1. Let the mood pass. Go through the motions and wait to it to pass as it will

2. Survive. Seriously. Whatever you need to do to survive, do that.

I know not complicated advice or steps, but very important and needs to be said. If you can do those 2 things then you can make it to where you’re able to love yourself. Do not beat yourself up for not seeing the hope and love when you’re in the fucking deepest void. Fuck the people who do that, judge you for not just feeling better when you’re in that dark place. I’ve been on that end and it just pushes you deeper down.

If you have people who can watch over you physically in person go to them or ask them to come to you. If not (like in my case) I go to my couch and cry. I force myself to stay on there. No sharp object or pills in my immediate reach and well, let it flow. It has to pass and forcing it to just stop simply won’t work. You can’t logic your way out of suicidal thoughts when they’re happening.

It doesn’t always work as I did survive 3 attempts so far. All within this last year at that. Being abandoned by many people you love all at once will do that to you. You noticed I didn’t give the advice to reach out to a friend in my simple 2 step plan. I would love to give the advice that you should reach out to a friend, but I’ve had friends leave me for doing that. You should be able to reach out to friends, but alas people will drop you like a fucking rock out of their lives when they hear you’re suicidal. Ironic I know. This is one area I am still baffled on and can’t relate to even remotely.

So fuck It! Reach out to me if you have to! Suicide talk ain’t no problem with me. I don’t know why, but regardless it’s true. It’s not a topic that scares me and I hope you have friends or family that feel the same way. I really should make a post about how to handle suicidal friends specifically shouldn’t I? Another day perhaps.

Know that this dark hole you’re in can be escaped. Look at me. Still alive.

You are not a bad person for thinking of suicide.

You are not a bad person for attempting suicide.

You are not a bad person if people left you due to suicide.

You deserve love and to love yourself.

If there’s anything to showcase the importance of self love it’s to get as far away from suicide as possible. I believe in you!

I personally hate how people treat suicide victims as horrible people for daring to reach out or attempting it. Fucking disgust me. But what can you do, but be better for others then others were to you.

Survive and claw you’re way out. You’re not alone. Not while I’m alive.

Trigger Warning Over! Now We Can Get Back To Actually Learning How To Love Yourself :3

Part 2: Guilts A Fucking Bitch Isn’t It.

A common thought in my head when it comes to self love is why do I even deserve to? It’s easy to beat yourself up, especially when you know you’ve hurt people you care for. Isn’t that just the fucking worst. It’s one thing to hurt just someone you don’t know, but when loved ones get hurt and you are the cause. Yeah that shit causes a wave of guilt, a wave that can turn into a vortex, a spiral of guilt that you get lost in.

So the thought process is this, I did X bad thing/things. I hurt loved ones and ruined something good. Therefore I’m a piece of shit and no one should love me, including myself.

Oh hey that’s me this entire last year. Shits fucking hard to break out of and getting into a pattern of self punishment is very easy. After all you are a bad person and you do deserve to be punished right? You don’t deserve silly things like self love or any love when you’re supposed to be suffering for all the pain you caused right?

Wrong! See guilt isn’t bad. In fact you should feel guilt over things, that’s good. When you fuck up feeling guilt is a sign of growth. It means you acknowledge you fucked up and that’s far better then hurting others and just thinking you’re the only one who isn’t a problem. Hopefully you learn (its ok if you don’t soon though because I sure as hell didn’t) and do better. Thing is guilt can consume the fuck out of you. Especially when you just have a list of people you’ve hurt or ways you’ve fucked up.

I’ve done some fucked things. I have loads of guilt and it can be overwhelming. I’ve broken so many goddamn boundaries, been emotionally abusive, manipulative, used self harm as a way of hurting others, and was responsible for ending a friendship that lasted years. I could list more and if I was in a negative spiral I could go on forever for why I deserve to suffer. I feel like shit. Well I do often I should say, but hey self helps a journey and not a race.

Lets actually look at one of my “sins” as it were. When I was responsible for ending a friendship. I won’t be giving actual names, but just first letters so as not to put the names of people out there who wouldn’t want that.

Long story short I was living with my now ex-girlfriend, I’ll call her M. M eventually got tired of my bullshit and had to move out and live with her good friend, we’ll call her A, in another state. So how did I end that friendship?

I find out a month later that A had kicked M out of their place and just what in the fuck? See A and M were really really good friends. Such good friends that A drove many states over to pick up M and have her stay with them. So to then find out something happened between them and A kicked M out of their place was just a fucking shock. M is physically disabled to so like its doubly fucked what A did.

Of course my mind is thinking this whole event is my fault. After all if I was better for M, she would have never needed to leave, which then led to whatever happened between them(to this day I still have no idea what went down).

This led to me feeling even more guilt and also a hell of a lot of anger for A. I already had a rocky relationship with A for many other reasons and learning this made me want to fucking beat the shit out of them (I’m very weak and would have gotten wrecked if I tried, but irrational anger do what it will do) I hated A and I hated myself. Someone I still loved was now left homeless and its all because I wasn’t good enough for her.

Except, well… hold on... my guilt there was bullshit.

See here’s the first step with managing overwhelming guilt. Take a step back and really assess if you should feel guilt in the first place. I didn’t cause whatever fallout happened between them. I didn’t make them fight. I wasn’t the one who kicked someone out of my place. I only felt guilty because I indirectly caused a situation that could have happened irregardless of me. That guilt was misplaced. I can’t be feeling guilty over the actions of someone else just because I’m spiraling in my dark void and finding every possible reason to hate myself. The anger was justified, but you gotta stop feeling guilty for things that you simply were not responsible for. That situation was caused by them, not by me.

Another example is the guilt of being trans and knowing my parents will be disappointed. Despite what you may assume, they are good people, but also old and christian. They love me, but yes, they will not like me being trans. It will hurt them. No amount of pointing out why that’s wrong will change that reality.

However, whenever they find out and whatever they feel, is not my fault. That’s guilt I shouldn’t feel. I am who I am. I can’t be feeling guilty over every little thing that’s ultimately not my fault. That’s not healthy.

Ok Catherine maybe I can shed some guilt I have when really looking at these things, but come on. No ones perfect, what about the very real guilt I feel for the very real horrible things I did?

Regardless of what you did, or who you hurt, I am saying right now.

Forgive Yourself

But you don’t know what I did!?

I don’t care.

But I did this horrible awful!

I don’t care.

I fucked up!

I don’t care.

I don’t give a single goddamn fuck what you did. Not at all.

Forgive Yourself

You could be reading this in fucking jail cell after taking someones life. If you are genuinely working on improving yourself, bettering yourself, working to help others, helping yourself, and striving to be better then whoever you were. You deserve forgiveness and that includes forgiving yourself. I’m aware this statement might not sit well with others and I also don’t care. I cannot be changed on this stance. I feel very strongly about this.

See when we say everyone deserves forgiveness I truly do mean everyone who makes an effort.

Even if others don’t ever stop hating you, you deserve to stop hating yourself over whatever the hell you did. No one has to forgive you, but you sure as shit deserve to forgive yourself.

Forgiveness is key to end the guilt spiral. Yeah you fucked up. Yeah I fucked up. I hurt people I loved, hell people I still love. It happens. Take the time to suffer and feel bad but don’t let it consume you. You owe it to yourself to forgive yourself and let go of the guilt after enough time. Then work on being better the next time.

You deserve to love yourself.

Part 3: Lets Identify Those Positive Traits!

I don’t deserve to be loved because I’m (insert list of only negative qualities I have about myself) I’m a piece of shit! I’m not good enough! I’m a burden! Everyone who loves me can find better!

Such common phrases I’ve given about myself and people who hate themselves repeat those often. Well fuck it lets list them for me. Lets first just look at all the negative traits I have about myself.

I’m ugly, I have a shitty voice, I have intrusive thoughts, I think about death often, I am emotionally needy, I have depression, I have BPD, I’m not in the right body, I get angry fast, I am emotional, I have no skills, no talents, everyone who says they’re my friend is just tolerating me because they don’t want to deal with the guilt of what I might do if I was abandoned. I’m a burden. I’ve hurt others. Ect. Its easy to list negative traits about yourself and even easier to turn positive traits into negative ones. Seeing good in yourself is hard with depression in my experience, but even without it, exaggerating your negative traits is all to easy to do.

However, it is vital to embrace your positive traits in order to practice self love. Lets turn a positive spin or just reveal how some of those negatives aren’t as bad as I make them out to be all to often.

I’m ugly?

No I’m not tons of people have called me cute and pretty. One day I’ll even be hot and you all better be fucking prepared.

I have a shitty voice?

No I have a normal fucking voice. I’m soft spoken and mumble a bit but that can be changed with practice. My voice can only get better whenever the hell I do voice training to.

I have intrusive thoughts?

Yeah I do. Hell I’ve even acted on some of them, but do I act on most of them? I wouldn’t be alive if I did trust me. I have self doubts, my emotions can flare up and cause intensive intrusive thoughts, but guess what? So does everyone, that shit is normal. Why beat myself up over it?

I think about death often?

See above. I sure do and yet I’m still here.

I am emotionally needy?

Sure. I am. I’ve got years of trauma with a particularly horrible last year and severe abandonment issues. I have diagnosed mental illnesses. I’m just now really discovering who I am. Guess what, I’m allowed to be a little emotionally needy given the circumstances. It will get better.

I have depression?

Sure as hell do, holy shit do I! Brains a bit fucky and that’s ok. Depression isn’t a negative trait. It’s just an aspect of me. An aspect I have slowly taken steps to manage. Mental illness’s aren’t negative traits. Just how your brain works.

I have BPD?

Very much yes. Oh its fucked so much of my life and very hard to manage, but it also helps me key into negative emotions of others. Helps me be very empathetic to those like me. Helps me be non judgmental to those who feel like me. To many people abandon and hate people with BPD. Me having it allows me to empathize with others who also have it and work towards being a more positive force in their lives. Sure its very negative at times. Like depression though it’s just how my brain works.

I’m not in the right body?

True. I’m trans. Its unfortunate I have to deal with it and so many others have to as well. But I’ve taken steps to achieve the body I desire more. Very slow steps, but steps all the same. It also helps me now be more empathetic to issues as both a guy and girl being in this transitional space.

I get angry fast?

Yeah I can get angry fast at certain specific things. Anger is not a negative trait its just anger. It’s what you do while feeling it that matters. I don’t physically harm anyone or anything. I can yell and say mean things, but that's hardly enough a reason to hate myself. Sure though this one can slip through. I do get angry easily and can lash out verbally when in that state. 1 Negative trait so far.

I am emotional?

Yeah. So what? Why is this negative again? Oh right its not.

I have no skills?

Bullshit! I can type massive fucking essays about mental health no problem. That’s a skill. Fingers get fucking tired though. I can edit video. I can do basic 3D modeling. I’m a very good listener and I do list that as a skill. I can handle heavy dark uncomfortable things friends need to get off their chest. I’d honestly make a good therapist if I studied it. There’s more to list if I took the time to write it all down. Just need to really think about it and be honest with yourself.

No talents?

See above.

Everyone who says they’re my friend is just tolerating me because they don’t want to deal with the guilt of what I might do if I was abandoned?

Well that’s not really a trait about myself, but lets address it all the same. Is this true? Well I got 3 main friends and none of them are fucking dumb. None of my friends would waste their time tolerating me either so guess what? Must mean they’re genuinely my friends. Many former friends have left me but that’s on them. It’s certainly a fear I have deep within me with my current friends. An understandable and justified fear given this past year. It’s certainly not a negative trait though.

I’m a fucking burden?

Am I? I mean yeah I have been. People have left me for that. Surely this is a negative trait right? Sure. I’ll give myself that. Except well… I mean I’m trying to love myself and improve myself. I’m trying to better myself and be less of a burden on my loved ones. It’s not easy, but working to improve on this negative trait is not enough to hate myself. 2 negative traits so far.

I’ve hurt others?

See part 2 on guilt.

I’m not broken. I’m not useless. I’m not a waste of time. I deserve love.

So do you.

Here’s the thing, I get it. It’s easy to see the worst in yourself and disregard evidence to the contrary. You say your ugly? Your friends say otherwise, but the mind won’t accept or see it. You say you don’t deserve love? To someone who very clearly loves you. You still don’t accept It. Brains be fucky like that. Just not seeing whats so obvious to others. I can relate very much.

I want everyone to do this. Simply list any positive traits you can muster about yourself. You can’t? Ok just list things you’ve done. Anything you’ve done no matter how small or simple it is. Things you’ve made, people you’ve helped, and anything else you can think of.

If you can’t even do that and you can only think of the negative traits of yourself then try to spin all those negative traits you have in your head into positives like I did. Really look at them and see if you can find ways this trait isn’t as negative as you think.

Here’s some positive traits about me.

I can cook. I’m a good worker. I can open up myself to others to help them. I’m very good about texting/DMing back. I don’t mind listening to others, no matter how dark or intrusive the thoughts may be. I enjoy pleasing others. I’m caring. I’m cute as fuck. I’m very vulnerable.

That vulnerability is good. If I wasn’t vulnerable I couldn’t be typing all this now could I? There’s a risk of getting hurt myself, but that risk could very well lead to others reading this and feeling better about themselves and so vulnerable I shall be.

I’m trying to better myself and in turn better others.

It’s hard. I get it. Genuinely even trying to think of positive things about myself is still difficult and I know if I asked others they could list more good things about me. However, listing them is nothing compared to actually accepting them as true. When you’re stuck in that self hatred spiral you can’t see anything positive about yourself, therefore loving yourself is off the fucking table. So repeat them, embrace them, and accept them over and over again while you’re mood allows you to.

But even if you don’t accept them yet, list them. Ask others to give you more if you can. Just keep listing them every day if needed. Get that positive reinforcement going.

Don’t let the self hatred win.

Part 4: What Do You Want? Head Towards It

What the fuck do you want in life? Well? Ask yourself. Figure that shit out.

I know that’s not easy. I’m 30 and still fucking around trying to figure that shit out. Here’s why it’s important though to stop and just think about what you truly want. You make goals and you head towards them inch by fucking inch. Progress leads to good feelings which leads to being more open to loving yourself.

What do I want?

I want at least 1 person to truly love me, all of me. Even more would be even better. I want a job I don’t hate. I want friends nearby I could visit. I want to fully transition. Fuck it I want to be hot as fuck. I want to fuck. I want to experience more cool art. I want to learn how to cook better and begin baking. I want to travel. I want to use my past life mistakes as experience to guide others in other directions (it’s what this entire post is) I want to help others. I want to die happy.

Now I can’t focus on all of that at once and that’s ok. The point of a list like that is to get a general sense, a blueprint, of where you’re wanting to go. Find one or a couple to work towards and as you progress you’ll find self love will come just a little bit easier. May seem like obvious advice sure, but obvious doesn’t mean easy to do.

So what steps am I taking? Well I’m forced to learn cooking living on my own and I’m saving up to buy tools for baking. I’m taking hormones. I just got myself new glasses after a goddamn decade. I made a Tumblr which has helped me express myself more. I’m writing this very post to help others. Plus more planned when I can get to it.

Knowing what you want and making little goals is such obvious advice but its obvious for a reason. This shit works. Fucking crazy I know. In order to achieve any of those I have to love myself, even just a little bit, to make that progress. What’s the alternative? I’ve talked about the alternative before and I’m tired of feeling that way, even if it’s still very difficult not to.

I do want to focus a bit on body image specifically. See I’m trans. I despise how I look and since I’m sharing this on Tumblr I imagine other transwomen (or anyone else) can relate. When setting goals, especially goals relating to appearance its easy to get discouraged.

After all will I truly be able to look how I wish? I don’t know. Is that a reason to stop? Fuck no! The goal isn’t to reach 100% positive image with yourself. It’s to work towards that as much as you can. Whatever that image is, that’s up to you, but head towards it. I may never reach that 100% with how I want to look, but I will get as close as I can and the closer I get the easier it will be to love myself. As someone with dysphoria, removing that as much as I can will make loving myself far easier. Its a major hurdle for many people, but especially my trans brothers and sisters.

However being trans is by no means a requirement to have body issues and don’t let anyone say otherwise. Make no mistake, you’re body is fine and you are fine. No one should feel like they have to be ashamed for their body.

Despite that though there is nothing wrong with working towards a look you simply don’t have yet either. Get to working out! It’s what I have tried and stopped and tried and stopped and yeah it’s hard to keep committed, but vital to look how I want. Dieting is a bitch to keep going as well. Don’t beat yourself up for faltering whatever standard you have set for yourself.

Pick yourself up and try again. Work towards an appearance you can be comfortable with however you best can. It will do fucking wonders for self love.

You need shit to work towards to. You need to love yourself to best reach those goals. Its very circular in a sense, they feed into each other in a positive way.

Part 5: Treat Yourself, You Deserve It.

Treating yourself is an act of self love. An act that is unfortunately hard to do for a lot of people.

So this advice wasn’t given to me directly, but someone I follow online talked about it. There’s a guy from a group called Mega 64 I follow called Shawn Chatfield. A fan asked him for advice for finding motivation to get through a shitty week. His advice was hey, everyday at the end of the day, treat yourself. Desert one day, a dinner you enjoy the next, buy something you need/want, ect.

That resonated with me because it really is solid advice, except 1 small issue. Lets amend that advice a bit and make it more applicable to everyone. See Shawns a positive guy I think he’s a cool dude. He’s also giving advice from a more privileged place. He has his dream job, a family, kids, a house, and overall can afford to treat himself at the end of everyday by buying something. Many can’t including me.

However, it’s still important to treat yourself so what do we do?

Here’s what I do. Once a week, typically the last day I work, I either to a really nice sub sandwich place right after work or a nice hot chicken place near where I work. Far better food then any of my cooking and they’re aren’t out of the way either. Could I afford to go out to eat every single day? No. But once a week after doing my shitty retail job? Yes.

If its possible for you financially, set aside some money you can split into 4 chunks to treat yourself to something you enjoy once a week. Shits getting expensive and it’s only getting harder to do this, but if you can then you should. If you can buy yourself something 4 times a month though then please do so. Something that’s not a need, but a want. A treat for getting though this shit another week. After all no sense working most of the week to not use a least some of it to actually enjoy life as best as you’re able to.

Treats don’t always need to be things that cost money like food either. Treat yourself in other ways as best you can. Every week and every day if possible. Whatever it is. Just vibe out to your favorite album alone in your room. Go to a park or some other cool scenic place near where you live. Play D&D with your friends online. Play with any pets you have. Hell get out the magic wand and enjoy a night to yourself haha. Whatever it is be sure to not just relax, but relax in a way that shows you really do care about yourself.

What this will do is not only just be helpful for getting through each day/week, but help change your mind into thinking you deserve nice things. Good things. As you slowly feel like you deserve little treats then you’ll more clearly see you deserve self love right? It’s all about changing that negative outlook about yourself into a positive, one small tiny step at a time.

Part 6: Whats This Meditation Bullshit?

I have only started doing this for a week. So whatever long term benefits of this are I haven’t experienced yet, but the beauty of this is it cost nothing to try and everyone is capable of doing it. I’ll just link the video. This is by Dr. K who is someone I really respect. This entire post is my own attempt at helping others as he does using Twitch/YouTube/Discord. Of course as my disclaimer at the start, I’m no expert with no degree as people such as Dr. K have. Which is why I’m not going super in depth explaining what he already has. He goes into explaining Metta meditation which if nothing else, will help you have a moment of positivity towards yourself and others each day. https://youtu.be/FQ1d5rC062c

It may seem like some love beats all sappy to good to be true bullshit, but it hasn’t hurt me doing it for about a week. Changing how you’re mind thinks is a slow process and whatever helps, no matter how unusual it may seem, is worth doing.

Part 7: Oh Right Go To Therapy

Therapy you necessary but impossible to get bastard. It’s super important. It’s also super shitty to get and afford which is a shame because ITS REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT! See any future mental health bigass post I make are pretty much always going to mention therapy. It’s vital for any type of bettering yourself advice. The problem is, its hard to get, expensive, and takes fucking forever to work when you do get it.

For me I had to figure this shit out on my own this past year. I thought I was going to have help, but my ex friends/relationships didn’t really do shit to help. All I got was BetterHelp.com recommended to me and I mean if that works for you cool, but that was an overpriced waste of time for me. Then my friends left me as I was seeing therapy through that and yeah shit was not a good time for me August of 2022.

I could and should do a whole post on just therapy so for now I’ll say this.

If you know someone who needs therapy or you want them in therapy. Help them find it and if you can afford it and they can’t, pay for it. I would for people I’m close to because what the hell is the point of having money if it’s not being used to help someone after my financial needs are met?

Insurance is a fucking bitch. I don’t know how other countries are, but in America you’re either paying to much for therapy or paying to much for insurance to help pay for therapy. If you have to figure this out on your own expect a lot of pain and frustration. Then you find a place and frankly the therapist just isn’t very good for you so you gotta search again and deal with more wait times and just FUCK!

Therapy needs to be far easier to navigate, find, afford, and just overall it’s a mess to figure it out all on your own. Its super important though and I’m by no means fully well by any stretch, but it’s certainly helped me get to where I am.

Remember none of my previous advice is coming from a professional (well beyond the one professional video I shared) So talking to a professional always needs to be on the table when working to improve yourself, especially to overcome self hatred or really anything.

Part 8: Alright Lets Wrap This Shit Up.

Fiiiinnnneeee. I guess I should get to the end.

So in summary.

1. Recognize and acknowledge you’re own self hatred and survive first and foremost through those thoughts. Survive first then focus on getting better once you’re able to. Do not beat yourself up to much.

2. Truly ask yourself if you should be feeling all of the guilt you may feel and work on forgiving yourself over past mistakes.

3. Identity your positive traits and really examine any negative ones you have and ask “are these truly as negative as I make them out to be?”

4. Figure out what you even want from life. Where do you want to head to? What goals do you have and strive towards them as best as you’re able.

5. Treat yourself once a week or more to the best of your ability. You deserve it.

6. Metta Meditation. Gives yourself a little moment to wish happiness onto yourself and others.

7. Therapy. Get you’re cute self to therapy.

There you have it. Steps I’m taking for myself and steps you should take yourself if you struggle with self love like I do. I have no doubt many people far more qualified then me have given far better advice to achieving self love. Regardless, this past year these are what I’ve come to learn work best for me, even if I’m not fully there either.

Self love is important. Without it shits just not going to work out. I’ve learned that plenty in the past year and have suffered plenty for it.

Hopefully this helps someone haha. I spent days typing on it on and off. Not quite 7000 words, but close to it. And if you thought this advice was stupid or wrong or a waste of time to type! I wish you well and hope you have a good day alongside with every else.

Time to start thinking on the next one.

[marvus-xoloto]

Hi, it kind of came out of nowhere but do you think that Marvus's music would be actually good ? Like I can't imagine some 14-15 yo kid, supported and working for other kids, being professional (not that teenagers can't be great artists, but in the context of Alternia it's just different). It just kind of cracks me up if IRL he really made shitty mixtapes that hypes everyone up lmao and Teals would just work as some weird ambassador for purples/artists that resolve teenage drama haha

What do you think ? Do they have enough cultural background to compose things for themselves or Condy gave them just enough space but not quite so things can't evolve?

great blog btw i like tour writing :)

Hi!

This ask got me deep diving haha. I'll get to some more, long, rambling headcanons under the cut, but here's the short of it:

Canon tells us he has a huge, cult like following, so his music is likely "good" (which is subjective, but we'll get to that later).

He already had a background (loosely speaking) in entertainement before he got famous by being a contestent on Slam or Get Culled (which keeps him relevant; most contestant series bing back previous winners, so he's very present in the entertainment sphere). In my opinion (and this is entering headcanon territory), this means he's had plenty of relevant training regarding... hmm how to put this. Finding and keeping an audience? Putting on the entertainer's face and saying the right words? Public relations stuff, you know? Does that makes sense? This does imply that his music is somewhat commercial and easy to sell, however (although I choose not to headcanon that. Popular fanon and I agree on one thing: I like the idea that his music is kinda silly yet clever with excellent samples a la young gravy).

The idea of teals being the auspictices between the music/ entertainment industry and like, just the general population is a super fun world building element haha! I love that. I've always seen certain castes being culturally predisposed towards certain quadrants, and teals have always read as ashen-predisposed to me. Might be the neurodivergence speaking, though, haha.

That being said, the entertainment industry- both on earth in real life so likely on Alternia- is the forefront of propaganda. And while Marvus styles himself as a musician, he's actually somewhat more of a politician.

Before I deep dive under the cut, the TL;DR is: imagine if Hatsune Miku worked for, idk, the CIA. That's... kind of how I see Marvus lmfao (although not a super literal parallel obviously; I don't think Marvus works for anyone beside himself). I'm at work so this post is pretty rushed, but hopefully you can get my jist.

So here's the thing that has always stuck out to me: Marvus and the music industry are kind of one in the same, you know? Made to get stuck in your head haha.

This puts him in a very powerful political position. It's noted in his friendsim that his music is "super woke and definitely not casteist at all." As MSPAR attended that concert with Zebruh, it's important to note that weirdo castists were on their mind. To me, this says that Marvus's music is so open for interpretation that people will always hear exactly what they want.

(I know the popular opinion is just that he's psychic pulling psychic fuckery, but honestly that's no fun for me. Marvus is very intelligent and conniving, and I'd prefer to deep dive into that.)

You know what Marvus has that most seadwellers don't? An audience, an opinion, and the means to make it all happen.

I think it's worth noting that when I say "politician" on Alternia, it's honestly more like an influencer? Cridea, for instance, strikes me as someone with a political agenda and political pull (and I don't think it's a coincidence at all that they're linked in act 2). They are, after all, young adults at best (I see Marvus as 19 on Alternia).

Do I think Marvus went into the inustry with politics on his mind? No, not at all. He was- in my headcanon- just a sixteen year old kid with no delusions of grandeur at all. He simply was that good.

The only problem is that he doesn't really hve anyone he's working for. He's religious (canonically, and imo to an extent), so it's very possible all of his power plays and messages have a subtle religious tie-in. Mostly, though, I think he's in it for himself. Mirthful Idolotry: he's an idol. This isn't sustainable in the long run, though, so I always wonder about what might cause his downfall in the future.

I think he's intelligent enough to come up with clever word play, and frankly there's the caste element as well.

Anyway. Because politics are involved, I'd be shocked if off-world trolls (trolls who are like Tirona for instance) aren't involved in the effort.

So do I think his music is good? No.

I think it is evil :o)

Anyway, random headcanon: I think music on Alternia has a slight buzzng sound to it that only trolls can pick up the subtlties of. For humans, it sounds like that cicada buzz sounds of flourscent lighting.

Hope that was anything haha.

[starliteradio]

20 questions for fic writers

Thank you for the tag @mylittleredgirl - this was fun!

1. How many works do you have on ao3? 19 (now I'm so curious what'll be the 20th!)

2. What’s your total ao3 word count? 61,615

3. What fandoms do you write for? Stargate Atlantis leads by a long shot though I've written a couple miniscule things for SG-1/X-Files and Better Call Saul. I'm really interested in branching out into the X-Files in particular, and kind of have the itch to write something Dale Cooper/Harry Truman (Twin Peaks) related even if it's just some fluffy little thing where they're hanging out in a cabin or fishing. Maybe some bittersweet sort of thing reflecting on the darkness in this superficially idyllic town but finding the light in each other's company or something. Idk.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Strangers in the Night

Wildfire

An Unquiet Night

Solitaire

Something Beautiful

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Yes definitely! I don't think I'll ever get over the (good) surprise that people like what I write enough to comment, and I'm always so grateful for it. Plus, I like if it leads to discussion or if I get to include some ‘behind the scenes’ details of my thought process while writing it. I often get a weird (good) kind of anxiety though with positive feedback so it sometimes takes me a while to reply.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? All That Could've Been…this was a Sparky fic originally inspired by There All Memory Lies by Dr_Fumbles. It did step outside my comfort zone a bit as it involves Elizabeth/John handling a miscarriage caused by the nanite infection…pregnancy related topics aren't something I'm generally comfortable with writing but the original story was so compelling to me that it wouldn't leave my mind, and I asked the author if I could write the past scenes they alluded to in their story. I like my story for the emotional punch particularly in the final line, but would probably never write something that ends on such a depressing note again (especially not for those characters, they've been through enough!)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Hmm that's hard to say, I'm realizing that none of them end *really* happily (feel like I always end up with "hopefully ever afters")…but I'd say Hot Rod Angels, through the final installment of that story, Sunset Strip (John/Elizabeth). Everything's definitely not perfect, but they're taking steps towards healing and finally just get to have a moment to let loose, forget their burdens and lose themselves in each other while finally feeling free (and reveling) in letting the world know.

8. Do you get hate on fic? No, thankfully

9. Do you write smut? Yes, if I feel like it's a natural progression in the story, but I don't go out of my way to do so. It also tends to not be super detailed and I try to have more of a focus on the emotional aspect (I'm asexual, and while writing smut scenes doesn't make me uncomfortable, I fear getting any physicality wrong and therefore don't want to risk it by writing in graphic detail).

10. Do you write crossovers? Once, but it was literally just a short walk into a bar scene between Sam/Jack (Sg-1) and Mulder/Scully outside of area 51 (Strangers in the Night). Short, but pure fun to write and I wish I was good at coming up with plot so I could continue (ironically, this was the first thing I wrote after forcing myself out of fanfic for several months due to creative anxiety and I just randomly threw it onto ao3 without a care of how it would do stats-wise - and it ended up being my most popular story 😆)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Probably not

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Not that I'm aware of

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Kind of! My irl friend Quibilah is the one who got me into fanfic, and we beta read for each other when we were both much more active with writing during covid…stories such as Solitaire and Dreamland were largely engineered by her (she's the one who's good with plot/also had many ideas from watching Atlantis when it originally aired, and gave me prompts). I've done all the writing for those stories, but they literally wouldn't exist without her input.

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship? Mulder x Scully

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t? I feel like I've mentioned this one so many times but…my one long fic, Dreamland. I'd at least like to get the rest of what I've written up onto ao3 and have an idea of how to tie an ending together in the event I never continue (it would basically end up as a very long The Real World episode tag/au) but there are a few sections I need to overhaul and I haven't had the motivation lately. I'm determined to return to it someday though.

16. What are your writing strengths? I think I tend to do well with description and world building, I love immersing myself in a setting and am very visually oriented so it makes sense that it's the thing I'm most comfortable with.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I'd like to do better with getting into more complex emotional/relationship dynamics, and figuring out more artful ways to describe it. I see improvement from when I first started but feel I have a long way to go.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I'm not proficient in anything outside of English (unfortunately) but would have a lot of fun including any short phrases in language I have some knowledge of! (basically just French)

19. First fandom you wrote for? Officially, Stargate Atlantis. Unofficially, The X-Files (through thinly veiled ‘original characters’ who were obviously Mulder and Scully who I wrote about in high school)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? Definitely Hot Rod Angels (John/Elizabeth), which took inspiration from future fics by mylittleredgirl. I was semi terrified the entire time that I was getting everything wrong and that the whole thing was a mess (and felt too self conscious to even ask anyone to beta read), but am so glad I've been able to take pride in the story based on the responses since I loved immersing myself in that world and it felt cathartic for those characters (and having the whole series be influenced by songs I love really added to the fun). It really felt like a breakthrough for me in how I want to write the characters going forward.

I'll tag: @winternightjewels @colonelshepparrrrd and @krisrussel

This is from nearly a year ago (lol) but @thecalvarys I'm tagging you too in case you'd find this fun to do

[wolverinedoctorwho]

been thinking about what The Glass Menagerie would be like if it was set in 2023.

Laura's life would probably be the most dramatically improved. She could deal with her social anxiety by just. Making friends online. She could have a discord boyfriend. She could find a job or get a degree online. She would have a tumblr blog called "blueroses" with the title "My Glass Menagerie" that was just pictures of her glass figures and occasionally an audio post with a song from one of her dad's records (or cassettes, or CDs, or whatever).

Amanda...honestly there's like a 50/50 chance she wound wind up in a pyramid scheme, considering the whole "selling magazine subscriptions" thing. But I feel like she'd still worry about her kids finding their place in the world. She'd worry about Laura not spending enough time outside, maybe she'd have some reservations about finding Laura a husband IRL. Maybe she'd get onto Tom for being on that damn phone so much.

For Tom, in this au i'm imagining him still working his minimum-wage job, but rather than writing poems on shoeboxes he's got a blog or something to post them on. Maybe even a niche following. Honestly not much of his life would change, because the whole "working a dead-end job, living with my family, desperate to go out on my own" thing is uh. Pretty timeless. Even when he leaves at the end (we're assuming the events of the play still happen as they originally did, even if the circumstances are different) it's not quite as sad, because Amanda and Laura have a better chance at supporting themselves than women would have back then.

Jim's a weird one because I feel like his life would also stay the same, except since we're setting this in 2023 he DEFINITELY has a self-help/positivity/motivational instagram. Wannabe influencer vibes. Despite the fact that he is working at the same place Tom is, but higher up the chain (like a manager or something). Dude totally has a podcast.

Nothing needs to change with Mr. Wingfield. People still work for telephone companies and run out on their families.

The fact that social media would exist in this AU does allow for some interesting commentary. Maybe Tom has a twitter where he posts his poems? Maybe Laura got cyberbullied in high school? How would the added visibility and connection to the world affect the Wingfields, whose suffering is largely due to how isolated they are in the original play? How would the lessened limitations on women in the workplace today compared to the 20s-30s affect the plot?

(Projecting my own interests here but I also think she would relate to Bocchi the Rock. Puking on the floor on your first day of typing class 🤝 performing your first concert in a cardboard box and regularly climbing into trash cans.)

[multigenderswag]

I actually hate being multigendered. I lay awake at night debating on whether I should just re-closet myself or lie and say “I was wrong, I’m just a cis girl!” so I can have an easier time navigating both queer spaces and romance. I’ve always felt that I’d have a hard time in terms of dating because everyone’s views of man and woman are so black and white.

The only thing stopping me from this is that some days I’m so undeniably uncomfortable with she/her (I’m bigender/fluid), and other days the thought of not being able to be called “he” or perceived as a man or a boygirl upsets me. I get so much joy from people using mismatched terms for me- like “she’s a guy who’s….” or “this lady thinks he’s…” etc. and i the thought of that not being able to have that happen makes me sad. It leaves me feeling hollow.

But I’m just so tired of arguing with terfs and exorsexists and transmultiphobes. So tired of being ignored and invalidated and degendered. So tired of spending time and enjoying myself with the guy I’m interested in and holding back the urge to confess because if he found out that I was also guy I’d feel like a liar or a predator.

Being multigender often times feels like a curse.

Do you have any words of encouragement?

I'm aromantic, so I haven't had the experience of difficulty being multigender in terms of dating, but I definitely relate to the urge to re-closet myself and just pretend I'm cisgender. But I try to just remind myself of how dysphoric and alone I felt when I was fully closeted, and how much happier I am now that I have some friends using my pronouns and name. That helps me realize I don't want to go back to how I used to feel.

The thing about being multigender is, I don't have a choice in the matter. I am who I am, and I can't change that. Really my only option is to live with this identity, so I might as well learn to like who I am.

As far as arguing with terfs and exorsexists and transmultiphobes, you don't owe them shit. You're not obligated to engage with them. Some advice my friend gave me that I try to keep in mind is "I will not engage with people who want me dead." Walk away, or block them. Their bigotry is not worth your time.

Something that really helps me have hope is just... seeing or hearing about other multigender people living their lives. Seeing posts about multigender people feeling euphoria, or finding multigender art or poetry or music, or reading about multigender history. There are other people like me, expressing themselves or finding joy in their identities or just existing.

There are going to be people who accept you, anon. Maybe you're in a position where your irl friends will be supportive, in which case, being able to be yourself around them could be immensely helpful. Or maybe you're not safe to come out right now, but someday you will be. Being multigender may feel like a curse right now, but it won't feel that way forever. Once you make it through this difficult part you will find support and euphoria and pride in your identity, okay? I wish you the best of luck, anon.

[growingfeedeeinfrance]

Bonjour Porcelet!🐷 As the feedee gainer community tends to be most prominent in the Anglosphere it's always delightful to encounter those from other cultures & countries discovering the delights of feedism & making it their own! It just shows our innate desire to get fat is such a truly universal impulse for aǁ of us! But I'm curious to ask how you as a French gainer girl view your experience striving to grow fatter with all of France's differing cultural attitudes to diet body-image & cuisine?

Ouch tough question😅 [TW: fatphobia, ED, suicide] I think my story is similar to those in the anglosphere but I can still share x)

The first thing I have to talk about is fatphobia. I was put on a diet at FIVE years old. I wasn't even allowed to go to Bday parties because of the sweets.

So I came to discover feedism at the same time as I began to struggle with eating disorders. I was 10/11 years old, anorexic and already fascinated by fat girls stuffing themselves online. I used to actually have a journal were I would write every synonyms, idioms etc related to being fat, repeating them all in my head to myself before falling asleep.

My teens years were hard because I tried so hard to suppress this kink, I was so ashamed of it, and of my body. Even though I was super fit and skinny. I basically tried for 10 years to get rid of this desire, a form of self-made "therapy conversation" rooted in the shame my mother's fatphobia (and society's) had ingrained in me. I guess the fact that everything was in english online made it a bit more "distanced" and easy to deal with? But I did have the same feelings toward that one episode from the Totally Spies ;)

It was only when I was 20, that I finally opened up to my partner about my kink because I just felled so sad and lonely. I had tried making connections in the online feedism community but I always failed 😅 Along the way I realized that the french langage didn't carry as much attraction and seduction to me when it came to feedism. Like I'm sorry you all but talking to me in french about feedism stuff is just almost always "anti-sexy" 😅

It wasn't for them so I didn't start anything IRL. But after my 2nd attempt at suicide, and during the 1st pandemic lockdown, I started gaining weight (because of some medications + lockdown I guess). I just had to ask myself what I wanted in life and who I wanted to be.

So I realized I was trans (I'm enby!) and that I wanted to pursue this kink in real life as much as I could. So I slowly started to center pleasure in my food habits, and tried to let go of the shame and the guilt (still trying). I have a malformation that makes it impossible for me to stuff myself (I throw up really easily) but I still tried to gradually increase my capacity.

I still feel sad and lonely because I fear that I will never meet someone in real life to share this kink with me. In all the spheres of my life (education, friends, activism...), I'm the fat one now. Which kind of drives me crazy because I'm not even that fat?!? And I'm just like "where are the other fat people?!?"

Even in diverse, kinky and sex positive places, feedism is always new to people and most of those spaces centers thin people. (I'm not "masc" enough to go to bear places 😅). Fatphobia is really pervasive in every spaces, and it's really hard to live through. For instance, EVERY transmasc spaces will center "thin/fit" bodies as the GOAL for transition. Like I want a more masculine body but I don't want to be thin. I want to keep my boobs and have less hips to reduce the "hourglass" body I have. It's super hard (almost impossible) to find cute, masc clothes that fit me. All of the environmental groups I'm in put big importance in highly physical activities and put fitness forward all the time. There is no relaxing or enjoying our bodies. WE HAVE TO BE FIT and want it. Public transport is also hard because the seats are so tiny (same in education). And fatphobia is still intense in medical places (like I went to see a cardiologist because my mom has heart issues and she told me my heart was super healthy but I still had to lose weight. why? no idea), and in familial settings (it's just for your heath etc etc).

Gaining would be soooo much easier if society wasn't so fatphobic. I hate it so much because I still have those moments where I feel I should try to lose weight because I fear I'm becoming "too ugly" (especially as a transmasc person) and I'll end up alone. And I've decided to center the relationships I have in my life and I don't want my partners to be disgusted by my body. That's why I never share my videos/photos with them and I only post on Tumblr. Thank you all for the feedist community online, I don't know where I'll be without it.

For the cuisine, having spent some times in the US, I have to admit that France's diversity in food makes gaining all the more enjoyable. And while yes, a lot of the food is centered around thinness/healthyness, most traditional dishes are much more hearty and fattening!!! (and delicious!!) And my sweet tooth is just in looove with french pastries!!! But I admit I like my twice a week american fast food x)

I don't know if I've really answered your question, don't hesitate if you want more details about some specific aspects of my experience in France!

[a-god-in-ruins-rises]

What’s your way of navigating social medias nowadays? Obviously there’s pitfalls that can affect us negatively, so how do you use it more positively?

yeah so the only social media i've ever really had has been myspace, facebook, tumblr, and now twitter. youtube too if you wanna consider it social media (i used to use it like it was).

anyway...

tbh, i never really feel like i got affected negatively by it? i've never really related to other people's complaints. like i've known people who say they need to take a break from social media because it's harming their mental health and i just never understood. i mean, i could understand intellectually but i guess not empathetically since i've never felt that way.

if anything i'd say social media has deeply enriched my life. this could be because irl i am an extremely socially isolated hermit. so social media has helped me have a social life that i probably otherwise wouldn't have. but maybe people with richer irl social lives could find social media damaging?

i don't know. but for me social media has always been a neat way to meet friends, especially like-minded friends (which is importance since i have pretty niche interests/beliefs). but it's also been a cool way to connect to people from around the world who are very different from me. and it's help me explore new ideas and alternative perspectives while getting a chance to share my own with others. it's hard to find people i can debate irl. but on social media there is almost no end to it. and some sites, like tumblr and youtube and to an extent twitter, allow me to express myself creatively and share it with people i care about and offers the opportunity for collaboration. it's also helped me find love on a few occasions.

so i guess, like a lot of things, it's what you make of it. it depends on your personal attitudes/outlook on life, how you use social media, and how you curate your feed/dashboard. so while the "algorithms" might be able to shoulder a lot of blame i think there's a significant degree of personal responsibility that factors into it as well.

if you're a depressed and cynical doomer and you fill your dash/feed with miserable depressing shit then i wouldn't be surprised to find out it has a negative effect. but personally, for example, i've curated a really nice twitter feed. it's mostly art, philosophy, politics, history, poetry, religion. my feed is pleasant and interesting. yeah sometimes i see frustrating/depressing shit but i don't dwell on it or let it get to me. but again, this probably has a lot to do with an individual's disposition because i'm just not easily perturbed by things by my nature.

one common issue i see is people being upset by seeing other people posting stuff about them having fun. fomo and feeling like other people's life are better/more fun than your own and stuff like that. i don't think i've ever felt any of that at all. i mean, sometimes i do lament that i am probably missing out on things but i think that would be true regardless of social media. i mean, sylvia plath basically wrote about this feeling the bell jar like 60 years ago.

but going back to social media: i understand that these people are mostly posting the /best/ moments of their life and it's not really representative of their life in general, i appreciate the opportunity to see things that i probably wouldn't otherwise be seeing, i am happy to see other people being cheerful and enjoying life, and it gives me ideas for things i could do with my own life. but again, i'm just generally not a bitter or resentful or insecure person. i think people who are troubled by this sort of content need to work on themselves and their own self-esteem.

[solrika]

Platonic omegaverse hcs for the Spectres: 

Kanan is an omega for no good reason except fuck the concept of sexual dimorphism. Same reason I’d made Kallus one, too. The omegas get to be the largest people in the crew. Both cover their scents around Imperials, but Kanan doesn’t really bother otherwise. It’s not like most non-humans can smell the difference.

Sabine+Ezra are alphas, mostly because it cracks me up to imagine herding around tiny fighty alpha kids. They’re the worst! By unspoken agreement, the budget expands to include suppressants when they join the crew. Kanan dealing fine with his heats using scheduling and Hera’s help (wink wink), but no one wants to deal with teenagers in rut. The jockeying for position is annoying enough without any extra hormones involved.

As far as Sabine and Ezra are concerned, Hera’s pack leader. Kanan and Zeb come next, position dependent on whoever said teenagers like more that day. The adults don’t really care about it themselves, as long as the kids do as told when needed. Chopper has no “official” position, but clearly places himself second only to Hera. 

Zeb and Hera think it’s funny that the Imperial humans like to pretend superiority over the “lesser” species, but are the ones beholden to their reproductive cycles. They often commiserate over how obsessed with hierarchy some human cultures are. At least Jedi upbringing has made Kanan fairly relaxed about the whole thing.

Roughly inspired by irl wolves: a “pack leader” is most often just the parental/most responsible figure. Most hierarchy struggles happen on the ‘sibling’ level, and in a healthy pack, they’re just little squabbles--if that. The really bad hierarchy struggles happen in “artificial” packs (strangers thrown together for whatever purpose). Most non-humans find this extremely tiring, and make sure to impose a pre-made hierarchy list in order to squash this behavior before it starts. Basically, imagine military structures, but used for anything that includes human+non-human relations. 

(Note that irl humans are way more concerned with hierarchy than wolves. There’s debate as to what degree that’s nature/nurture--our two closest relatives, chimps and bonobos, are at opposite ends of the “hierarchy is important” AND “violence is normal” spectrum.)

[banavalope]

Thank u for the thought out discussions. Shipping discourse is like the most difficult thing to talk about with any sort of nuance (in American fandom spaces) cause a huge number of ppl will take anything you say to mean “I literally love seeing irl children getting abused” I’ve never wished more to be fluent in another language so I could step out of this US-centric bubble

While I can't speak to what fandoms of other countries are like - though I have made a large number of fandom friends outside of the US - I can say at the very least, US fandom is among the most reactionary. If I'm going to be brutally honest, I can't even blame anyone in fandom for being reactionary. So many people acting in bad faith or just being too exhausted having to explain themselves, people trying to protect themselves; like, man I get it.

But like, I'm an artist working hard towards posting more of my own original content yeah? I want to have a discussion with My Audience(tm) about my characters and the narrative I'm constructing around them. I see art as a conversational device. I can use fiction to temporarily place myself in the role of "agreeing" with a perspective I disagree with, for the purpose of exploring a theme that asks a much bigger question. Maybe that's what we're failing to break down what we mean properly, and why so many people in fandom will jump to the immediate assumption that writing about a topic in fiction places you in support of it.

Like, in my writing of Amadeus, he uses his status to manipulate a situation to his advantage, and it ruins his life. In narrative I've loosely constructed this as "he's outed for cheating in a battle of the bands type concert, he parasocially manipulates his fans and pays off another band in order to win. when he's found out for this one incident, other actions of his are put under a microscope; as a result, he's banned from participating in concerts altogether, and his career takes such a massive hit that he's unable to respectably recover" This is my way of starting a conversation about cancel culture, neither in favor of nor against any side of it. Amadeus has a redemption arc as a means to explore how artists relate themselves to their art, how we place our worth on the consumption of our art, social (media) expectations, the sensationalization of innocuous events, what puts someone in a position where they feel they have no choice but to make a very poor decision, and how an artist reconciles with the mistakes they make.

The twist is, I don't actively care about making a stance on my opinions of cancel culture. You'd think I do with the way I gave a character this entire backstory, but I've tricked you. It's a thematic device.

That's the energy of discussion I want to support having with people. Far be it from me to tell people how I think they need to live their lives or experience them, all I can do is ask questions and hope I find someone with the same level of enthusiasm who wants to answer. My world becomes more informed that way.

[meeda]

my opinion on this tends to fluctuate the more i read different people’s experiences but whenever i see discourse re: coping with sexual trauma through art or kink or other means of self expression, i consider my own experience with (a non sexual) trauma

my fixation and fascination with hospital settings, aesthetics, sounds, smells, and paraphernalia stems from medical related trauma. as a result, i enjoy engaging in behaviors that mimic or remind me of my time in the hospital. i like to wear my grippy socks, eat “hospital food,” daydream that i’m in the hospital, listen to hospital themed asmr, fantasize about going to a hospital, watch videos related to hospitals, engage in “hospitalcore” or menhera subculture, and so on. It’s my way of dealing with what i went through, and i personally find it cathartic and healing.

while none of what I do is nearly as “weird” or controversial or taboo as something like cnc or age-play or other kinks, i can relate to getting questioned by people about if what im doing is really “healthy” or if it should be “encouraged.” After all, im engaging with a traumatic memory, something that objectively made my life worse. And by engaging with it, I’m “reliving” or “enabling” it. I’m “turning the trauma into a game/hobby/aesthetic.” Im “endorsing” hospitalizing people against their will. I’m “making a mockery” of myself and especially other people who have gone through something similar. And that my enjoyment of it could be triggering to others.

Not all of these things have been said to me personally but they are all sentiments I come across irl and online. I see the but same kind of criticisms being made about kink. But with the connotation surrounding sex and violence, there’s an added layer of putting into question the morality of kink. After all, how can an act as egregious and heinous as sexual violence possibly be construed in a way that makes it morally justified?

Something I learned as a teenager who was new to sex positivity was the bdsm mantra safe, sane, and consensual. The idea is, when engaging in kink with yourself or someone else, are you 1) making sure your lives, health, and safety are not at risk 2) is the activity within reason and are you able to tell the difference between fantasy and reality, and 3) do all parties consent to the activity. The answers to all three of these will determine if what you’re doing is okay or if it’s a literal crime.

And when it comes to engaging with kink by yourself, like exploring it through art, writing or other mediums, the same mantra can be applied. 1) will what you’re doing pose a threat to anyone’s life or physical/mental wellbeing? 2) can you actively distinguish the difference between fiction and reality? 3) if you share your work with anyone, are you being mindful about other peoples boundaries? are you making an effort to ensure that minors or nonconsenting adults do not engage with your work?

For outsiders, non kinksters, or people who prefer to use other methods of coping with their trauma, I leave you with some food for thought. What do you personally gain from telling someone how they can and can’t cope? What good will it do society if we put restrictions on what goes on between consenting adults, or if we censor how a person expresses themselves artistically? When it comes to coping with trauma, what determines if something is healthy or unhealthy? If the person coping feels better after doing what they do, shouldnt that matter more than the steps they took to get there?

Think about that, and in the meantime, im going to put on my hospital socks, listen to medical equipment asmr, and write about my cnc fantasies.

[baeddel]

Please. Please can you tell me what a baeddel is and why people (terfs?) used it in a derogatory manner on this website for a hot minute but now no one ever uses it at all

you asked for it, fucker

[2k words; philology and drama]

baeddel is an Old English word. i have no idea where it actually occurs in the Old English written corpus, but it occurs in a few placenames. its diminuitive form, baedling, is much better documented. it appears in the (untranslated) Canons of Theodore, a penitential handbook, a sort of guidebook for priests offering advice on what penances should be recommended for which sins. in a passage devoted to sexual transgressions it gives the penances suggested for a man who sleeps with a woman, a man who sleeps with another man, and then a man who sleeps with a baedling. so you have this construction of a baedling as something other than a man or a woman. and then it gives the penance for a baedling who sleeps with another baedling (a ludicrous one-year fast). then, by way of an explaination, Theodore delivers us one of the most enigmatic phrases in the Old English corpus: "for she is soft, like an adulturess."

the -ling suffix in baedling is masculine. but Theodore uses feminine pronouns and suffixes to describe baedlings. as we said, it's also used separately from male and female. but it's also used separately from their words for intersex and it never appears in this context. all of this means that you have this word that denotes a subject who is, as Christopher Monk put it, "of problematic gender." interested historians have typically interpreted it as referring to some category of homosexual male, such as Wayne R. Dines in his two-volume Encyclopedia of Homosexuality who discusses it in the context of an Old English glossary which works a bit like an Old English-Latin dictionary, giving Old English words and their Latin counterparts. the Latin words the Anglo-Saxon lexicographer chose to correspond with baedling were effeminatus and mollis, and Lang concludes that it refers to an "effeminate homosexual" (pg 60, Anglo Saxon). this same glossary gives as an Old English synonym the word waepenwifstere which literally means "woman with a penis," and which Dines gives the approximate translation (hold on tight) male wife.

R. D. Fulk, a philologist and medievalist, made a separate analysis of the term in his study on the Canons of Theodore 'Male Homoeroticism in the Old English Canons of Theodore', collected in Sex and Sexuality in Medieval England, 2004. he analysed it as a 'sexual category' (sexual as in sexuality), owing to the context of sexual transgressions in the Canons. he decides that it refers to a man who bottoms in sexual relationships with another man. i don't have the article on hand so i'm not sure what his reasoning was, but this seems obviously inadequate given what we know from the glossary described by Dines. Latin has a word for bottom, pathica, and the lexicographer did not use this in their translation, preferring words that emphasized the baedling's femininity like effeminatus, and doesn't address the sexual context at all. Dines, however, only reading this glossary, seems to decide that it refers to a type of male homosexual too hastily, considering the Canons explicitly treat them separately. both Dines and Fulk immediately reduce the baedling to a subcategory of homosexual when neither of the sources to hand actually do so themselves.

by now it should be obvious why, seven or so years ago, we interpreted it as an equivalent to trans woman. I mean come on - a woman with a penis! these days I tend to add a bit of a caution to this understanding, which is that trans woman is the translation of baedling which seems most adequate to us, just as baedling was the translation of effeminatus that seemed most adequate to our lexicographer. but the term cannot translate perfectly; its sense was derived from some minimal context; a legal context, a doctrinal context, and so forth... the way Anglo-Saxons understood sex/gender is complicated but it has been argued that they had a 'one sex model' and didn't regard men and women as biologically separate types, which is obviously quite different from the sexual model accepted today; in any case they didn't have access to the karyotype and so on. the basic categories they used to understand gender and sexuality were different from ours. in particular, Hirschfield et al. should be understood as a particularly revolutionary moment in the genealogy of transsexuality; the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft essentially invented the concept of the 'sex change', the 'transition', conceived as a biological passage from one sex to the other. even in other contexts where (forgive me) #girlslikeus changed their bodies in some way, like the castration of the priestesses of Cybele, or those belonging to the various historical societies which we believe used premarin for feminization [disputed; see this post], there is no record that they were ever considered men at any stage or had some kind of male biology that preceded their 'gender identity.' the concept of the trans woman requires the minimal context of the coercive assignment at birth and its subsequent (civil and bio-technological) rejection. i have never encountered evidence that this has ever been true in any previous society. nonetheless, these societies still had gendered relations, and essentially wherever we find these gendered relations we also find some subject which is omitted or for whom it has been necessary to note exceptions. what is of chief interest to us is not so much that there was such a subject here or there in history (and whatever propagandistic uses this fact might have), but understanding why these regularities exist.

a very parsimonious explanation is that gender is a biological reality, and there is some particular biological subject which a whole host of words have been conjured to denote. if this were the case then we would expect that, no matter what gender/sexual system we encounter in a given society, it will inevitably find some linguistic expression. if, like me, you find this idea revolting, then you should busy yourself trying to come up with an alternative explanation which is not just plausible, but more plausible. my best guesses are outside the scope of this answer...

anyway, all of this must be very interesting to the five or six people invested in the confluence of philology and gender studies. but why on earth did it become so widely used, in so many strange and unusual contexts, in the 2010s? we're very sorry, but yes, it's our fault. you see apart from all of this, there is also a little piece of information which goes along with the word baeddel, which is that it's the root of the Modern English word bad. by way of, no less, the word baedan, 'to defile'. how this defiled historical subject came to bear responsibility for everything bad to English-speakers doesn't seem to be known from linguistic evidence. however, it makes for a very pithy little remark on transmisogyny. my dear friend [REDACTED] made a playful little post making this point and, good Lord, had we only known...

it went like this. its such a funny little idea that we all start changing our urls to include the word baeddel. in those days it was common to make puns with your url (we always did halloween and christmas ones); i was baeddelaire, a play on the French poet Baudelaire. while we all still had these urls a series of events which everyone would like to forget happened, and we became Enemies of Everyone in the Whole World. because of the url thing people started to call us "the baeddels." then there was "a cult" called "the baeddels" and so forth. this cult had various infamies attatched to it and a constellation of indefensible political positions. ultimately we faced a metric fucking shit ton of harassment, including, for some of my friends, really serious and bad irl harassment that had long-term bad awful consequences relating to stable housing and physical safety and i basically never want to talk about that part of my life ever again. and i never have to, because i've come to realize that for most people, when they use the word baeddel, they don't know about that stuff. it doesn't mean that anymore.

so what does it mean? you'll see it in a few contexts. TERFs do use it, as you guessed. i am not quite sure what they really mean by it and how it differs from other TERF barbs. i think being a baeddel invovles being politically active or at least having a political consciousness, but in a way thats distinct from just any 'TRA' or trans activist. so perhaps 'militant' trans women, but perhaps also just any trans woman with any opinions at all. how this was transmitted from tumblr/west coast tranny drama to TERF vocabulary i have no idea. but you will also find - or, could have found a few years ago - i would say 'copycat' groups who didn't know us or what we believed but heard the rumours, and established their own (generously) organizations (usually facebook groups) dedicated to putting those principles into practice. they considered themselves trans lesbian separatists and did things like doxx and harass trans women who dated cafabs. if you don't know about this, yes, there really were such groups. they mostly collapsed and disappeared because they were evildoers who based their ideology on a caricature. i knew a black trans woman who was treated very badly by one of these groups, for predictable reasons. so long-time readers: if you see people talking about their bad experiences with 'baeddels', you can't necessarily relate it to the 2014 context and assume they're carrying around old baggage. there are other dreams in the nightmare.

the most common way you'll see it today, in my experience, is in this form: people will say that it was a "slur" for trans women. they might bring up that it's the root of the word bad, and they might even think that you shouldn't use the word bad because of it, or that you shouldn't use the word baeddel because it's a slur. all of this is a silly game of internet telephone and not worth addressing. except to say that it's by no means clear that baeddel, or baedling, were slurs, or even insulting at all. while Theodore doesn't provide us with a description of how we can have sex with a baedling without sinning, and it may be the case that any sexual relations with a baedling was considered sinful, sexuality-based transgressions were not taken all that seriously in those days. there was a period where homosexuality within the Church was almost sanctioned, and it wasn't until much later that homosexuality became so harshly proscribed, to the extent that it was thought to represent a threat to society, etc. and as i mentioned, there are places in England named after baedlings. there is a little parish near Kent which is called Badlesmere, Baeddel's Lake, which was recorded in the Anglo-Saxon Domesday Book (as having a lord, a handful of villagers and a few slaves; perhaps only one or two households). it's not unheard of, but i just don't know very many places called Faggot Town or some such. it's possible that baedlings had some role in Anglo-Saxon society which we are not aware of; it could even have been a prestigious one, as it was in other societies. there is just no evidence other than a couple of passing references in the literature and we'll probably never have a complete picture.