#and how i’ve realized that so many of the behaviours and traits i have today

[buck-yyyy]

man

[lupi-usque-ad-finem]

Hello there, I'm pretty new to the otherkin subject and thought that it describes me somewhat... I always felt like a feline or currently more like an opossum. In my childhood, I loved watching the Lion King and always played and acted like a lion or a cat. Today, I still act somewhat like a feline, and I always feel like I should have a tail or animal ears and move my ears in the direction I hear sounds from. You said you could help anyone with otherkin related questions, so do you think I may be otherkin by these described above? I have no clue and would love some feedback or explanations to my current situations. If you have any idea and could tell me, that'd be neat! Have a good day.

hello and of course i can help! movies were a great outlet for me to learn my own kintype and the traits i intrinsically aligned to as a cub. for many otherkins these feelings and ideas begin when you’re young, but not always! i went about two years not realising i was otherkin despite knowing what it was at the time.

it sounds to me you’re experiencing some type of phantom shift so congratulations! ear pricking is such a normal part of my behavior that i do it constantly at this point, AND it can be learned! my papa could move his ears up, down, and side to side so noticeably that i realized i could to, so he taught me! another physical activity that could help is nose movement. of course flaring nostrils is one, but movements up and down! Watch how rabbits do it (since it’s the most noticeable) and try to mimic them, you’ll know when it feels correct. tail shifts are also a commonly occurring shift, i have them daily.

have you ever found yourself making the vocalizations of a specific feline or opossum as a way of communicating to yourself or others? vocalizing has to be my favorite part to all this and one of the more noticeable aspects of being otherkin.

it sounds to me that you are indeed inclined to being otherkin in some feline sense! when i was younger i would do the same things as you have, but more canineesque. do you feel a draw towards a specific habitat or environment of felines? maybe a hot desert, cool Arctic, or a warm fireplace? any other animalistic behaviours you find yourself drawn to?

look at tags and common characteristics of your kintype here on tumblr. I’ve seen a-many opossum and felinekins here who’s blogs and interpretations could help steer you towards a better understanding!

keep in mind that you don’t have to use the label ‘otherkin’ if it doesn’t fit exactly, and your kin could be a hybrid of animals! in the term’s conception, it was meant to be an open option for anyone that felt alienated or ‘out’ from normal standards of human identity or society. but if it fits you, use it! alterhuman, therianthropy, otherkin, etc., are terms to guide to a general feeling and ~vibe~ that you feel, and can be used interchangeably as you feel it fits! there are no rules! it’s fantastic! good luck!

[dmss-blog-salian]

Blog Post - 04

Representation in Games – Let’s Play Instead of Preaching. 

Unless, you’ve been living in a cave, there is absolutely no chance you haven’t been exposed to progressive ideas on gender and sex.  You obviously have been exposed to the counter-arguments and “movements” as well. But, if you’re still confused about what’s going on, let me clue you in before we go any further and explore the many misconceptions that plague these narratives.

“Gender is a Social Construct” – You’ve most likely come across this statement by those on the “progressive” side of the socio-political spectrum. You might have even been baffled by the statement because You’ve known all your life that the existence of “Women” and “Men” is materially observable and demonstrably true. I don’t blame you for being baffled. In fact, so was I when I first heard the same. But, over the years, I have realized that these arguments and ideas are largely bogged down by a combination of semantics and scientific ignorance.

Before we deconstruct the statement, let me explain what a ‘social construct’ is – A social construct,  if I were to go with the simplest definition, is a reality that has been constructed by humans. This “reality” has no objective existence. A few good examples of socially constructed realities would be caste, class, national borders etc. There are no “lower class” people just as there are no “countries”. These are boundaries that humans place around themselves and others for whatever reason.

However, what we know to be objectively true is the existence of humans or people and that of geographic land masses.

So, what do people like Judith Butler mean when they say “Gender is a social construct”? Well, in my epistemological experience, I’ve come to understand that individuals like Butler borrow their ideas heavily from philosophies such as Relativism and off-shoots such as Post-Modernism. You see, in their heads, there is no such thing as objective reality and much like her mentors, such as Ferdinand de Saussure, she seems to believe that language itself can change material reality. As shocking as that sounds, sadly, sophistry has become the standard of intellect.

According to Butler, who is simply echoing the claims of Simone de Beauvoir, gender is a constructed reality in that the traits, interests, and behaviours we associate with a man or woman are  completely “made up”. When we say a woman needs to have long hair or a man needs to have facial hair, we are simply making up arbitrary rules about what it means to be a man or a woman. Credit where credit is due, but Butler is right about this one. Many of the rules used to define woman or man at the sociological level are mere constructs.

However, whether Butler intended her ideology to be interpreted the way it has been is a topic I shall attempt answering some other day. For now, it seems to me that her ideas may well have been taken out of context by the masses. Today, gender ideology is all about self-identification i.e. you can simply say you’re a man or woman on the basis of nothing more than just a mood, interest or feeling. This is where the narrative turns irrational.

Butler argues that sex/gender distinctions are largely meaningless and I have to say that she is definitely wrong here. For starters, the category of sex isn’t socially constructed. Males and females exist objectively across species. How do we know this? Well, it is self-evident and also backed up by empirical data. The term “male” signifies the member of any species that produces sperm and female signifies the member of the species that produces ova or eggs.

Contrary to the often misunderstood chromosome argument, sex is determined primarily via gamete production and it logically follows that in order to produce these gametes, you would require the necessary organs. So, yes, sex boils down to genitalia and other reproductive organs. Of course, the terms themselves are socially constructed, which is the case with every language, but materially, a female does not become a male or vice versa.

Now, I shall set aside fundamental scientific facts and focus on discussing one of the best representations of a female character in a game.

Ellie from ‘The Last of Us’ and Hopefully Not the Last in Positive Female Representation

Among the games I’ve enjoyed recently, The Last of Us easily ranks in my top 5. It’s got everything from a brilliant narrative to complex characters. Speaking of complex characters, Ellie stands out like a sore thumb and I mean that in a good way.

As Aneeta Sarkesian, founder of Feminist Frequency and also one of the contributors to the game, stated, Ellie is unlike the average female character. She isn’t portrayed as a sex symbol and the facticity of her female-ness isn’t limited to typical gender signifiers. She is a nuanced and emotionally intelligent character.

One of the most realistic aspects of her character is that she relies on smarts to overcome the enemy rather than brute physical strength. This might seem silly but to it’s a realistic depiction of our world. As stated earlier, biological differences means males are stronger and unlike every other game, Ellie’s creators decided to make things believable. She is portrayed as a survivor and a fighter with brains rather than superhuman strength. I found a certain depth to this portrayal. Also, we know through rigorous scientific research that there are no differences in intelligence between the sexes.

Hopefully, we’ll see more of such realistic and positive depictions of women within the realm of gaming.

What Does This Have to Do with the Artist?

In all honesty, I believe the artist is not obligated to be politically correct. So, even unrealistic, stereotypical or over the top depictions are not really a problem as far as I’m concerned. To me, art has always been about testing the limits of freedom and redefining the rules. In fact, art is the only medium through which I am permitted (for now at least) to do this.

I can paint the sky red, make the earth appear flat, and cause males to become pregnant. You can’t tell me to do otherwise. Therefore, topics like representation do not matter to me as far as my practice goes. I am of the opinion that art is just that – art. It’s about passion, entertainment and fun. For others, it might serve as a platform to highlight socio-political issues.

So, at the end of the day, do what thou wilt!

Sources:

Roberts, G. (2021). Judith Butler’s toxic nonsense. [online] UnHerd. Available at: https://unherd.com/2021/09/judith-butlers-toxic-nonsense/.

Murphy, M. (2020). Judith Butler resurfaces to remind the world she is a fraud. [online] Feminist Current. Available at: https://www.feministcurrent.com/2020/09/27/judith-butler-resurfaces-to-remind-the-world-she-is-a-fraud/.

Byrne, A. (2018). Is Sex Socially Constructed? [online] Arc Digital. Available at: https://medium.com/arc-digital/is-sex-socially-constructed-81cf3ef79f07.

Bainbridge, C. (2020). Why People Make Social Constructs and How They Can Change. [online] Verywell Mind. Available at: https://www.verywellmind.com/definition-of-social-construct-1448922.

whyevolutionistrue (2022). Is ‘sex’ socially constructed? [online] Why Evolution Is True. Available at: https://whyevolutionistrue.com/2022/10/26/is-sex-socially-constructed/.

www.youtube.com. (n.d.). Judith Butler: Your Behavior Creates Your Gender | Big Think. [online] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bo7o2LYATDc&ab_channel=BigThink.

Brzycki, M. (2002). GENDER DIFFERENCES IN STRENGTH: A COMPARISON OF MALE AND FEMALE WORLD-RECORD PERFORMANCES IN POWERLIFTING. [online] Available at: https://scholar.princeton.edu/sites/default/files/brzycki/files/mb-2002-01.pdf.

Miller, A.E.J. et al. (1993) Gender differences in strength and muscle fiber characteristics, European journal of applied physiology and occupational physiology. U.S. National Library of Medicine. Available at: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8477683/ (Accessed: January 10, 2023).

‌ VentureBeat. (2014). The DeanBeat: Favorite female game characters that aren’t an embarrassment. [online] Available at: https://venturebeat.com/games/the-deanbeat-favorite-female-game-characters-that-arent-an-embarrassment/ [Accessed 10 Jan. 2023].

[hournites]

I just thought of a weird, but funny Hournite/Stargirl fic idea/prompt: Yolanda misses out on a JSA mission thanks to her parents & when she see everyone the following day all of the JSA’s personalities have been inverted. Rick is really bubbly & dorky, Beth is bitter, angry, & goth-like, Courtney is sarcastic, mean, & very Queen B. Pat tells Yolanda that the Shade was trying to steal the Wizard’s wand & the ensuing chaos caused the sides of their personalities that the three of them usually never show to turn into their dominant traits. While Pat’s searching for a cure to this problem, Yolanda’s forced to watch dorky Rick swoon over an oblivious & bleak-minded Beth, all while Courtney makes fun of all of them while flipping through fashion magazines & complaining about her broken nails. So... yeah... Yolanda has her hands full lol. Love to hear your thoughts on this!

This got out of hand...

Invert

~.~

While most days as a member of the Justice Society of America consisted of many fun surprises, there were some days Yolanda had no word to describe. Yolanda dropped her school bag at the table downstairs at the Pit Stop, then climbed upstairs. Taking in the scene unfolding in front of her, she realized today was one of those no word days.

Beth was curled up in the corner of the couch, legs drawn up to her chest with a book, wearing a scowl so jarring, Yolanda had to think back to the time she’s ever seen such an expression on Beth's face. Yeah, probably never. What’s weirder was the way Rick’s hanging over her shoulder, leaning against the couch and rambling about his car. He was in a regular t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to look like a muscle tank, biceps on full display. It was almost like he was showing off, trying to impress her. And it would impress Beth, Yolanda was pretty sure. But she wasn’t even looking at him.

“….Hi?”

Only then did Rick notice Yolanda. He brightened up with a wave. “Hi! You missed a lot.”

“I see that,” she answered slowly. “What exactly...did I miss?” And where’s Courtney? “Did something happen yesterday?”

Beth snorted. “You could say that.”

Yolanda frowned when Beth didn’t elaborate.

“The Shade got hold of the Wizard’s wand,” Rick explained, grimacing a little. “We think we got, uh, spelled? I can’t put my finger on what exactly. We’re just different. I feel different, I mean. Like, I think this might be the longest sentence I’ve said to you? And I’m not even done. It’s not bad, it’s just weird. I’ve been trying to convince Beth to go outside with me for the last half hour.” He shook her shoulder. “C’mon, Beth. Please?”

“I’m reading,” she groused.

“You can read in my car and we can go for a drive? I’ll take you out!”

“Yeah…” Beth considered his words. She looked up at him, and Yolanda took a step back. She was wearing thick black eyeliner and her book had covered her matching dark lipstick. “Maybe later?”

“Yes!” Rick cheered, pumping his fist. “It’s a date! Great, I’m excited!”

“Wow...Beth...That’s quite the makeover…”

Beth shrugged. “Yeah. It’s new. I like it.”

“She looks great, doesn’t she?” Rick gushed. He sat at the other end of the couch. “So do you want to go to dinner on our date?”

Yolanda turned around so Rick won’t see her reaction to his desperate crush. The second-hand embarrassment was getting to her, if Rick was his regular self he wouldn’t be nearly this obvious. She’d always known Rick sort of liked Beth, but she’d never seen him so vocal about it. Rick was the type to bury his feelings, even romantic ones, until they explode. Not actively pursue them.

She climbed back downstairs and ran into Courtney. “...What did I just watch?”

Courtney’s hair was straightened and styled up in a high ponytail.

Great, Yolanda thought. More random makeovers.

In all honesty, Courtney looked absolutely beautiful, but any appreciation Yolanda could find in herself to compliment her vanished when she got a good look at the meanness on her face.

Courtney snapped pink gum obnoxiously with a hand on the waist of her sweats. “Are you talking about Rick and Beth?” She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, it’s pathetic. I’ve been avoiding them.”

Yolanda narrowed her eyes. It was not like Courtney to insult their friends. “I was going to say weird...Rick isn’t pathetic.”

“If you say so. Well, you know what is pathetic? The fact you let your parents make you stay at home. We needed you last night and now everything’s messed up because you had to be a goody two-shoes.”

“Don’t talk to me that way, Court.” Yolanda pushed her aside. “You know it’s not easy. If I disobey them they’ll only hate me more. I love my mom, Court. I don’t want her to alienate me.”

Courtney shook her head. “I don’t really care. Hearing you complain about your mom and dad gets annoying. They suck. We get it. Get over it?”

Yolanda blinked back tears. “You don’t understand what it’s like!”

“Oh my god, are you actually crying?”

The hurt in her chest squeezed. Yolanda almost couldn’t breathe. Courtney had always been understanding to her, she’d let her vent and express her emotions, she was a compassionate person, it’s what she’d loved about her best friend so much. But her personality and behaviour resembled nothing like the Courtney Yolanda cared for. “Screw you, Court!”

She sped out of there, wiping at her eyes with the back of her palm.

“Yolanda!” Someone called after her, but she didn’t want to be here anymore. She understood her friends were under the influence of some magic, but she couldn’t stomach the way everything had flipped upside down. “Yolanda! Wait!”

She slowed her pace and turned around when she saw Pat jogging down the sidewalk with her forgotten bag. “You forgot this.”

“They all changed, Pat! Especially Courtney.”

Pat sighed. “I know. I was going to find you but Zeek called and got me all wrapped up in some nonsense, I wasn’t able to warn you on time.”

“So it’s true? They’re spelled?”

“Evidently. The good news is, Mike and Jakeem apprehended the wand back early this morning. We just don’t know how to use it.” He leaned in and gave her a half hug. “Why don’t you head on over to our house? Barb’s also been taking this whole mess pretty badly. We can figure out next steps this afternoon.”

Yolanda nodded, she couldn’t imagine what Courtney’s mom must’ve felt to see her daughter lack any empathy. She took her bag and started to make her trek to the Whitmore-Dugans.

They had to get to the bottom of this, she knew that. But witnessing the inversion of her friends accumulated a dark cloud over her head the longer she thought about it.

What if she was there during the mission last night? Yolanda couldn’t help but wonder what life would feel like unburdened.

What if I didn't care about what others thought about me? What if I didn't feel so cautious and careful about what I do or what I say? Or trusted everyone I met with ease again?

What if I had the chance to feel free?

[finleyfray]

Bittersweet Memories part 7

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (part 6)

Taglist: @ashadash0904

TW: language,nightmares, think that’s it

Finley looks at the door, waiting patiently for her girlfriends to come in. Earlier today J’onn came along announcing there was a mission and if they wanted to go. Of course, Alex and Maggie said no instantly, but Fin almost ordered them to go and have a bit of fun. After arguing with them for a solid ten minutes, they finally agreed, claiming they will be back before their scheduled therapy session.  

The black-haired woman was nervous for the session. She knows they will talk about a lot of stuff that’s troubling them in their relationship. But on the other hand, some things have to be talked about. Maybe if they sit down and list them, it’s going to help. At least now Fin didn’t have to worry about Kelly stealing her girls.  

‘She has a wife and a kid on the way. She wouldn’t leave them. There is no danger from her side.’ Finley thinks as she hears a knock on her door. 

“Come in.” She looks at the door as they open and Kelly enters the room. “Hi.” Finley smiles politely as she greets the woman. 

“Hi, good morning, Finley. How are you doing today?” The older woman sits on a chair ahead of her. 

“I’m better, I think so. Nothing hurts actually, which is a pretty nice feeling.” 

“That is very good. You know when they’ll let you home?” Kelly asks, looking at the woman in bed. 

“Yeah.” Fin sighs. “They took my blood for testing earlier. Will let me know if I can go home tomorrow. I, uh, I kind of don’t want to go home...” She hung her head and looked at her hands. 

“And why is that?” 

“Well, I’m scared. It went wrong the first time, what if it goes wrong again? What if the pain comes back? And here I’ve had both of them by my side, what if I’m all alone again? I don’t want to stay home any more. I feel like I’m too clingy, because I’ve been practically attached to them for the last week, but I’ve missed them. By now they’re probably sick of me.” 

“We’re not sick of you.” Finley turns and sees her redhead girlfriend by the door. “I promise there’s nothing you could do that would make us sick of you.” Alex rushed to the bed and hugged her. Maggie trails behind her and sits on the other side of the bed.  

“I’m sorry.” Fin hugs them both.  

“It’s okay. We’re here to remind you of how we love you.” Her raven-haired girlfriend kisses her cheek. “We’ll just go day by day. I promise we’re not going to leave you.” 

“I’m just... I’m sorry, it’s egoistic, but when we’ll go home, I’m afraid you’ll just go back to work and I don’t want to stay home alone. I’m worried that something will go wrong again.” 

“It’s normal that you feel that way when a certain place brings you trauma.” 

“Yeah.” Fin cut Kelly off. “But I can’t expect them to constantly miss work because of me! They have taken so many free days, and Maggie even resigned from NCPD because of me. That’s not okay, I’m dragging them down.” 

“I didn’t resign because of you. I did resign because of my workload. Of how my boss was treating me.” Maggie looks at her girlfriend.  

“Well, she’s not wrong. You are also forgetting that you are in this state because of me.” Alex sighs, dropping her head. 

“What do you mean?” Finley looks at her girlfriend tilting her head.  

“Fin, you saved me. If I saw that stupid rock coming, you wouldn’t almost die! You just dropped everything and risked your life to save mine!” 

“Of course I did. What, did you expect me to just stand over there and watch you being crushed?” The black-haired woman frowns. 

“I said all these hurtful words and yet, even when you should be mad at me, hate me, you just dropped everything and saved me.” Alex looks at Finley as she wipes away her tears. Maggie takes the redhead hand squeezing it gently.  

“How do you feel about it?” Kelly asks, looking at them.  

“I’m... angry? At myself mostly. Because I acted like a total asshole. But also scared, because I realize such a situation can happen again, and I know she wouldn’t even hesitate to risk her life for me. And I don’t want to lose her.” 

“Well, of course I would risk my life for both of you. How could I ever look at your mother’s face and tell that her daughter is dead because I did not save her. How do you expect me to just stay there and look at you being in danger and do nothing? That’s not an option, it never was.” Finley huffs. What did Alex even think? Of course, she’s going to risk her life for both of them.  

“See, the thing is, and I can’t get why you keep missing it, my mother cares for you too. For her, it’s like she has 5 daughters. You think I ever want to go to her and tell her one of them didn’t make it!?” Alex’s voice broke, she was trying to maintain her tough face, but there were so many emotions inside her that she felt like she would burst.  

“Baby...” Finley sighs and hugs her redhead girlfriend as she feels her shaking from a sob. “I don’t plan on dying anytime soon.” She looks at Maggie who hugged Alex from behind.  

“But you almost did! You stopped breathing in my arms!”  

“Babe!” Finley retreats and looks her girlfriend in the eyes. “I am here now. I promise you it’s not changing. We have so many plans together, we’re getting a dog, we talked about moving to a larger house, your sister is getting married soon! I don’t plan on missing all these things. I want to spend the rest of my life with both of you, and I’m not dying anytime soon. It’s alright, it’s going to be okay.” 

“Promise?” Maggie whispers, her voice trembling from her own tears.  

“I promise.”

***

Alex smiles as she enters the room with coffee in her hand. It was a tough week, Finley was ordered to stay for a few days longer in the medical just to make sure there's no change for the worse. That also made them meet up with Kelly daily, and now Alex was feeling a lot better. The redhead was hopeful for their future in a beautiful house with a dog they really want and some kids. Or at least she hopes so, she still didn't talk about the kids part with her girlfriends. 

Alex always wanted to be a mother. Even if she had a time in her life where she wasn't sure if she likes men or women, Alex was always sure she wanted to have kids. She doesn't know when to talk about it yet, but she's sure she will.

"Hey. Ready to go home?" She looked at Fin, who's sitting on the bed.

"Yea, but Maggie doesn't let me do anything!" The black-haired woman whines and points at their shorter girlfriend who's packing all their stuff. 

"That's because the doctor said you need to take it easy." Maggie rolls her eyes and Alex laughs. Typical Sawyer behaviour. If the kids ever get that trait from her, they're going to be in so much trouble. 

"Come on, I'll help." The redhead walks to her and begins helping her girlfriend with packing. 

"Alright, I think that's it. We're good to go." Maggie informs, looking at their suitcase. "We'll get you a wheelchair, and we can go to the car."

"No! No, no, I can walk!" Finley huffs. "I don't need a wheelchair, I don't have a cast any more, I'll walk!"

"Babe..." Alex sighs. She gets it, it's so frustrating for Fin that she doesn't have the energy to walk so far as she's used to, she gets tired after a few meters, she won't be able to make it to the car. Yes, the black-haired woman is doing her best at physical therapy, and she makes a lot of progress, but she can't make it that far. "Baby..." Alex begins again, but she doesn't know what words to use to not hurt the younger woman but at the same time convince her to use a wheelchair. She looks at Maggie trying to get some support. 

"Finnie… The car is far away. It would really help if we just get you a wheelchair?" The shorter woman says, looking at their girlfriend.

"Oh." Finley hangs her head and looks at the floor. "O...okay."

"Baby…"

"No, just, please go get the wheelchair. Just don't, I get it. I know I'm too slow for you." 

"Okay." Maggie exits the room and they stay alone. 

"You okay?" Alex asks, looking at her girlfriend. 

"Yea. It's just… you know. I want to be able to walk normally. It's so frustrating that I'm getting tired so quickly." Finley sighs looking at the redhead. 

"You'll get better soon. Just not so long ago you could only move in a wheelchair, and now you're able to go alone for a bit. You need to give yourself some time, those injuries don't heal overnight." She walks to Fin and envelops her in a hug.

"Here you go." Maggie walks in with the wheelchair and looks at them. "You okay?"

"Yea." Finley stands up, leaning on Alex. She walks 4 steps and embraces Maggie. "Sorry. I overreacted. I just want to finally feel better and get back to our normal life."

"I know baby, I want this too. But, small steps, you know?" Maggie kissed Finley’s forehead and helped her sit on the wheelchair.

***

Maggie smiles as she enters the elevator. After a successful day at the DEO it's finally time to go home. She presses the button and the elevator closes going up. After a few seconds, the door opens again, and she walks out. Putting the key in the door, she opens them.

"I'm home." She announces, but she's met with silence. She furrows her brows and instinctively grabs her gun. While Finley might sleep, Alex never sleeps during the day. She slowly walks to the living room and chokes on air. There, on the couch, lies Alex with a bullet hole in her head. Maggie wants to scream, but she can't get any sound out of her mouth. She wants to go to her girlfriend, check on her, cry, scream, but she can't. Her legs lead her to the bedroom. 

There on their bed lies her other girlfriend. She looks at her with dead eyes and a hole in her chest. Next to their bed stands a man. She can't see his face, she can only see the gun in his hands. Once again, Maggie can't move. She looks at the man as he speaks.

"I told you…"

Maggie shoots up with a gasp. She looks around and finds her girlfriend's sleeping in bed next to her. The Latino tries to get her breath together. She grabs the duvet with shaky hands and gets out of the bed. She feels her cheeks getting wet and goes to the kitchen. 

"Fucking hell." She closes her eyes, but when she does, she sees her girlfriends dead all over again. She goes to the window and focuses her vision on the sign of the gas station near their home. 

Slowly, the raven-haired woman is able to even her breath and stop crying. She goes to the kettle and puts in water to warm it. 

For a few days now, Maggie has had this nightmare. She comes home and finds her girlfriends dead. She can't see the face of the man that shot them, it's all blurry. Only words spoken "I told you." but they don't mean anything to her. 

She makes herself some coffee. She won't be able to sleep any time soon. 

For the past few days, she went to lay with her girlfriends only to get up when they were asleep. She didn't want to alarm them, but she was just so tired. Maggie misses the good sleep. 

She tries to occupy her mind at night with everything she can think of. Recently, Maggie discovered podcasts, and she loves the criminal ones. She's always able to identify the murderer before them, and it successfully occupies her mind. She loves coloring adult color books while listening to it. The raven-haired woman would never admit to it, but it really calms her and brings her joy.

Maggie brings her cup of coffee to the table, but before she can power her headphones on, she hears footsteps. She quickly turns and is ready to fight when she sees Finley.

"Hey." She hears her girlfriend's sleepy voice, and it brings a little smile to her face. "It's late, what are you doing here?" The blue-eyed woman hobbles in her direction, and Maggie stands up to pick her. She grabs her and goes to sit on the couch nearby. The Latino snuggles into her girlfriend and sighs. She didn't realize how bad she needed a hug. Fin embraces her and softly scratches the back of her head. 

"What's wrong?" She asks, and Maggie can hear a worry in her voice.

"Nothing. I just wanted to snuggle."

"Then why are you here with coffee instead of sleeping?" Her girlfriend asks softly.

"I just can't sleep any more tonight."

"Babe, you look exhausted. What's wrong?" 

"I… Nothing is wrong. I just can't sleep." Maggie rolls her eyes. Finley and her stubbornness are going to be the end of her.

"Baby…" Fin stops and yawns. "Talk to me, please."

The raven-haired woman sighs and leans back a bit to look into her girlfriends blue eyes.

"I just keep having this nightmare for a few days." Maggie cups her girlfriend's cheeks to feel her. She needs to know she's really here. 

"Can you tell me about it?" Fin's hand softly strokes her hair.

"I don't know…"

"Please?" Her girlfriend made a puppy face, and she was gone. She can never say no to that face, and her girlfriend knows that. Damn her. Maggie sighs.

"It begins normally. I come home from work and open the door. I call out, but it's so quiet, I go to the living room and there on the couch lies Alex with a bullet in her head. And I can't do anything about it." She feels her girlfriend wiping away her tears, she didn't know she was crying. "I can't go to her, I can't scream, I can't cry, nothing! And I'm forced to go away, to go to the bedroom. And you're there, looking at me with dead eyes, hole in your chest. There's this man standing next to the bed. He's holding a gun, but he doesn't have a face, his face is blurred." Maggie sobs. "And he's only words are "I told you…". Like, what does this even mean!" She snuggles into Finley’s chest and sobs even more. 

"It's okay, we're okay, you're okay." The black-haired woman embraces her and whispers in her ear. "It's just a nightmare, we're here, and we're safe. Nothing is coming to kill us. We're going to be okay."

Slowly, her sobs become quieter, and she feels herself being maneuvered to lie on Fin. She rests her head on her girlfriend's chest and listens to her heart beat. It's so comfortable, and she feels a duvet on her, giving her more warmth. And right now, as Maggie's fatigue gets the best of her, she really wants to believe that they're going to be okay.

[kiingocreative]

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But First, Self-Reflection

Do you ever have people asking you questions about your writing ­like “How did you do develop this villain?” Or “How did you create this world?” – and you realize you don’t have a black and white answer? For me, this is often the case. Readers constantly ask me how I developed my characters in Age of The Almek, and, for a long while, I didn’t have an answer on precisely how I went about it. My writing process is messy and unconventional, especially because I am a discovery writer. But, I think this is also because it’s an intuitive experience–things just either feel right, or they feel wrong. So often my response to the question on how I develop my characters has been that I assign a feeling to them. This feeling is not really labelled. Sometimes because of my heavy intuition things don’t need labels, they just need to make sense in my head and work on the page.

Once I assign this feeling to a character, I aim to create that feeling for the reader and for the other characters in the book. It’s especially important for the other characters to feel that same way in the presence of said character, except in a situation where a character is being manipulated and the reader knows more than them. (There are many exceptions beyond that.)

I’m an INFP, if that means anything to you, you’ll know that as an INFP “feeling” is tied to a large part of my brainwork and experiences. But, I realized I needed to do some self-reflection on the other things that contribute to my character building because of the number of times I’ve been asked about it (nervously tugs on collar of shirt). But I’m not here to only talk about feelings today.

The Sibling Hierarchy and Why It’s a Helpful Tool

As you know if you read my last article, I’m the youngest of five girls. For some reason I assume that statement alone offers a general sense of how busy a household it was. It was indeed busy and emotionally challenging, but it was also incredibly fun and I wouldn’t change it for the world. As I grew, this childhood experience had me curious about the complexities of sibling relationships. How you can love someone but hate them, want to protect them but also want to beat them to a pulp. Thankfully these drastic feelings shift as we get older and (marginally) wiser, but those rooted experiences and memories –– the good and the bad ­­–– stay with us.

I once read My Self, My Sister by Vikki Stark. This book was eye-opening, as it helps the reader recognize how “their role in the family influences their interactions with friends and colleagues”. It helped me understand how large families typically operate (obviously there is no black and white and always exceptions) and how there is something called a sibling hierarchy, or birthing order. Each child: eldest, middle and youngest have certain roles they typically fall into and with said roles, they often have specific habits, behaviours and traits. It also explores only children and twins, but if I remember correctly it does not explore split/broken families (don’t quote me on that last part).

In laymen’s terms, here is some brief points of what I took away from this read:

The Eldest Child

I learned that eldest siblings are often seen as the surrogate parent – especially when they are female – and they often look after the younger ones. Typically this sibling is very close with the parent(s) and is often given much more responsibility. A very helpful-around-the-house child, that often holds seniority over the rest, and likely because of their nurture they grow thinking they always have all the answers. Often this sibling can grow to be very supportive and nurturing to their younger ones. On the other side of the spectrum, some can foster jealous feelings of how easy the younger ones appear to have it.

The Middle Child

The middle is typically the mediator, used to getting along with everyone–older and younger–and fills in as care-taker when needed. This sibling is generally very adaptable but often gets over looked in a busy household. Going out of their way to prove they’re worthy of attention can be a mindset, but they pride themselves in being different from the rest and so they often go their own way and veer off from family customs.

The Youngest Child

The youngest is often seen as the cutest, kindest and most-loving, and typically has the least amount of responsibility. Things seem to come more easily to them, partially do the fact that they get to watch their older siblings make mistakes and watchful youngest’s learn from their siblings’ experiences. Often close to the parent(s), and often seen as spoiled and in some instances selfish or “bratty” this sibling can be dependent on others and constantly looking for guidance.

All of this information is me paraphrasing things I have learned, of course, and things that I take with me as I build sibling relationships in my work. Again, I don’t believe anything is black and white, so this break down is really just meant to offer guidance with sensible points.

The Sibling Hierarchy Put to Practice

Here is an example on how I put this framework into play in my writing:

In my debut novel Age of The Almek, there is an older sister, younger brother sibling dynamic and it was a blast to play around with while considering the hierarchy structure that I shared above. Vera is the eldest, the surrogate parent with a ton of responsibility. There is this expectation (from her parents, but also that she’s placed upon herself) that she will fill her father’s role and cure the water. Protecting her families’ name, pleasing her parents and keeping a close eye on her teenaged brother Atticus are among her top priorities. With this personality comes the mindset that she knows best, and that her intelligence far out-weighs those around her. But, what she doesn’t consider is that there are many different forms of intelligence, not one more significant than the next. There are other personality traits that ripple-effect from this general frame-work of Vera. She perceives that she is so important that she doesn’t have time to deal with the emotions and feelings of others, nor does she trust others very easily. All of this creates a character who really struggles to cope with her own emotions, and yet she can fulfill her professional duties to no end. This also translates into a character who, although she disagrees greatly with the ways of The Almek and their Masters, she keeps her mouth closed, puts her head down and does her work.

Atticus is the seventeen-year-old character perspective and the youngest of the two in the North household. This character is slightly more entitled in the sense that if he doesn’t want to do something, he is more likely to not do it. This may mean at times that his older sister picks up his slack. It is not that this is a lazy character by any means, he feels, whether he sees it or not, that he should be able to just create his own place in the colony. The same goes for things that he wants to do that he shouldn’t––he’s likely going to find a way to do it. This is a more spontaneous, temperamental teenager with fluctuating hormones. He is the cause of a lot of trouble and adventure as his curiosity gets the best of him. He is quite the opposite of Vera when it comes to emotions and feelings – Atticus is in tune often with himself and those around him. He will speak his mind, with reason. He will trust until he’s given a reason not to. He disagrees with their way of life, but he wants to understand it. This all translates into a youngest sibling who doesn’t necessarily view his decisions as selfish, and even though they aren’t selfishly driven, perhaps sometimes they are selfish because they are impulsive decisions that have not been thought all the way through and may result in him putting himself and others in danger.

Take What You Like and Leave The Rest

In case you’re sick of hearing about my characters, I’ll put the character descriptions to bed and close with this:

My Self, My Sister is not claiming that “this is how everyone is” with an absolute approach, it is based off of studies done by the author and her own personal experiences and training. I took what resonated with me for my own life and for my writing and left the rest. Of course, it is not the only way or the best way to build siblings or characters. For all of us, so much goes into building our characters–conscious and subconscious. For me, I think the sibling hierarchy was merely the start, the thing that got their sibling relationship moving and grooving. It was as the story evolved (through many drafts), that their relationship began to “macarena” on the page.

Basically, the birthing order is like the fertilizer that helps the seedling of who a character is going to be, grow. Character A may need more fertilizer than character B. Maybe character C doesn’t even need fertilizer. Like in my last article, I mentioned I also ask myself a ton of self-help inspired questions for my characters. In order to tap into their mental state and character traits, it can be important to understand their nature vs nurture, previous traumas and fears, etc. Sometimes these questions don’t come up for certain characters until I’m well into a work. Writing is an artform, and I don’t believe there are strict rules that need following, but tools in which a writer can utilize when and as needed.

There is no doubt sibling relationships are complicated, and there are no two the same. Why not get curious about them? You may find that reading self-help will improve the sibling relationships you put on the page. And, if you’re a sibling yourself, with some hard work you may just get the added benefit of improving your own relationships and self along with it.

[op-peccatori]

Hopefully, Yours (part 1) | MLQC Victor

Fandom: Mr Love Queen’s Choice 

Pairing: Victor/Fem!Reader 

Rating: Mature 

Word Count: 8823

Summary: A fight between co-stars leads to you taking their place, along with the man you’ve been carrying a rather fervid torch for. A happy accident—except it’s a dating show and you have to pretend your feelings aren’t real. | Part 2

Warnings/Tags: language, fluff, oblivious behaviour, dating show, social media, Victor might be a little OOC because I’ve written him differently, some making out in the next part hence the rating, no smut though, my sense of humour

A/n: as always, I’m here to clown around. I tried something a lil new (for me) in this one 👉👈 something I picked up quite recently from works I adored, so I hope you like it! It got longer than I intended so I had to split it into 2 parts ;.; Victor said: keep writing, hoe. 

ALSO!!! Yours by Ella Henderson is. THE Victor/MC song for me. I felt it in my bones when I listened to it again after all these years. brb crying

It’s the incessant buzzing of your phone that lures you out of the warm cocoon of your blanket.

You don’t really want to come out of your haven. Not after the week you’ve had, and because you know what awaits you. But as Anna had told you, there’s no way you can avoid this. They had finished editing the episode on Thursday, and Jason had already texted you last night to let you know it would be ready to be uploaded at 7:00 pm today.

Reaching listlessly for your phone, you squint at the bright screen through bleary eyes; it’s 9:00 pm already, and you’ve managed to sleep most of your Sunday away. It’s been a whole week since you filmed the episode, and while you were able to keep your thoughts at bay through it, it’s finally caught up to you.

After all, this is the episode you’re going to be in.

Pulling your laptop towards you, you open the tab that has the streaming site open. Your heart begins its anxious thump against its cage, a beat all too familiar to you by now. As the video begins playing, the memories of that day rise up to the forefront of your mind, refusing to be outdone by this meticulously edited version.

It started with a plan. A very well-thought-out plan.

“He called me a bitch. How can you still expect me to shoot with this jerk?”

Things were not going according to the very well-thought-out plan.

From your place next to Homer, the camera guy, you watched with mounting apprehension as Hollow resisted the AD’s attempts to placate her. But she did seem calmer, the scalding rage of her glare simmering down as he continued to reason with her.

And then her partner for the episode walked back onto the set.

“She said my songs are predictable! You want me to work with a hater?” Kai protested loudly, and Hollow turned back to him in a fury. The AD looked back at you in dismay, the rest of the staff watching with varying levels of exasperation.

“This is supposed to be a cheesy, ultra-romantic show,” Kiki whispered from her place at your side.

“This is what the reality is. All that sappy crap is for the camera,” Willow snorted, shaking her head in disenchanted disappointment.

There may be more than a kernel of truth in that. Hopefully, Yours was your company’s latest project; the second season, the first one having been produced by a different group. It’s a romantic web-series that featured different couples going on dates around town. The couples featured ranged from non-celebrities to people who are household names. So far, there hadn’t been too many issues with the participants—so you really should have expected this.

“Not always!” you cut in, fiddling nervously with your planner. “Some of the couples have gone on to date for real. Raymond and Liliana got married!” A lovely couple from an episode that aired last year. They’d been in the news recently too.

“They’re getting divorced,” Homer piped up in response. You hoped the look on your face let him know how unhelpful that was and turned back to the clashing couple. The AD looked harrowed and harassed as things turn increasingly hostile.

“Willow, do we have a backup couple?” you asked after a long moment of watching them spit insults. “Or just one person to replace either of them. What about Carlson?”

“He won’t be in town until tomorrow.”

‘Can I leave town?’ You wondered in a fit of desperate, wishful thinking.

“And we’ve got everyone here, with everything set up. Can we really waste time?” Kiki wondered out loud.

“No, we can’t,” answered a strained voice from behind you. All four of you turn to see Anna striding towards you, her hassled expression sending a frisson of worry through your stomach. “___, we’ve got guests.”

“Guests?” you repeated numbly. “What guests?” From the look on her face, it couldn’t be good news.

Anna held your gaze for a second, looking vaguely apologetic, before stepping to the side, allowing you to get a look at who Jason, the director, had rushed off to greet. You felt the ground shift beneath you, throat drying rapidly and the surrounding noise dimming as you focused on the new arrivals—your friend, your boss if you insist on the technicalities, and the star of most of your daydreams. LFG’s very own CEO, Victor, and his loyal secretary, Goldman.

In other words, people you hadn’t expected to see today.

“Why?” you whimpered, mostly panicked, but distantly amused by how enthusiastically he’s being greeted. It gave you a few moments to get it together, a familiar buzz coming to life underneath your skin.

This is terrible. Surely, this is karmic retribution for some misdeed committed by you. 

“Boss, get it together,” Kiki hissed in an echo of your thoughts, and you realized you had half-fallen back into her and Willow’s arms, their hands steady on your shoulders.

“This is really bad timing. Like, really bad,” Willow pointed out unnecessarily as you straightened up, running a quick hand through your hair.

“Goldman said they just dropped in to see how it’s coming along. I don’t really understand why, this is not at all Victor’s cup of tea, but he’d been hesitant about the show, so...” With a sympathetic smile, Anna placed a hand on your elbow, squeezing lightly. The comfort it brought is chased away almost immediately by a furious screech.

“That is it. I’m done!”

Turning just in time to watch Hollow stalk off the set, you tried to restart your thought process. You just needed to solve this.

“How do we solve this?” Kiki asked in a low voice, and Willow shook her head helplessly. 

With no answer for her, you could only watch as Jason led Victor and Goldman towards the set. You knew the exact moment he saw you; there was no smile, but a slow blink. It was still early in the afternoon, and his patrician features were alight with a soft glow in the golden sunlight, the curve of his lip relaxed and his clever gaze taking in you and everything happening around you in seconds. You’re not sure what he saw in your face but it made the corners of his mouth pull downwards.

Your stomach plummeted, seized by a sudden urge to flee.

But with his long strides, he reached you before you could take a step back. Kiki and Willow retreated silently, greeting him like newly registered soldiers coming face to face with their general and leaving you at his mercy. You would have felt miffed, but the way the sunlight softened his features was a little distracting. His lips moved, and you’re certain he said something, but couldn’t quite hear him over the sound of your heart drumming in your ears.

Homer coughed loudly, popping the bubble.

“Good morning, Victor!” Certain your lack of actual delight was obvious, you tried to inject as much enthusiasm into your voice as you could while your project went up in flames behind you. Not that you weren’t happy to see him, as the sudden thrill twisting through insisted on reminding you, but the prospect of disappointing him was one you would rather not face.

There was no visible reaction from Victor, but Homer looked a bit disturbed by the attempt. Goldman just looked like he pitied you, while Jason looked oddly contemplative. This was probably his first time seeing you this…dazzled.

“Good morning,” Victor replied evenly. His eyes, a constant, focused storm and his silken hair falling artfully over his forehead form a picture so lovely, almost beyond words. It’s never stopped you from waxing poetic about them, or his long list of admirable personality traits, but he had a way of knowing when you’re not paying attention. “Looks like I picked a bad time to check in.” 

You couldn’t quite pin down the inflexion in his tone, but your immediate guess was that he was either severely disappointed or was low-key mocking you.

With how quickly things derailed, it’s understandable. 

“Haha,” you laughed—an unfortunate coping mechanism that seems to flare up most often in his presence. Also, because Victor looked unfairly gorgeous, as always and you were a fool with a worryingly erratic pulse. “Just a few bumps. Nothing we can’t fix.”

Behind you, Kai declared his intent to leave as well. There’s a contract, so they would have to look into this, but that would take time. At that moment, Victor was eyeing the singer leaving the set and your nervous smile with his brows steadily climbing higher.

“Right. Anything I can do to help?” he offered, and the shame that elicited is so fierce you felt like you’d shrunk. This was supposed to be a casual visit, for him to see how the filming was going and instead you made him feel the need to step in and clean up the mess.

“No,” you said, firm, immediate, vehement. He frowned down at you. “We’ll come up with something. Why don’t you two take a seat, we’ll get you some drinks and Anna can go over the ratings and numbers with you.”

Victor seemed to hesitate, still frowning at you, but relented when you mustered up a small but convincing smile for him. “Alright. Let me know if you need anything,” he insisted, because he’s nice like that, before following Goldman and Anna into the small room you’ve converted into an office. You have a small but closed set for the first meeting of the couples, before the crew moves to whatever location has been picked out for the date.

“He’s nicer than he looks,” Homer observed as the two of you watched him leave.

“He’s lovely,” you said miserably. Who would have thought there’d be a day when you said that about Victor? He was still an evil capitalist, but he’s a kind man. 

Homer didn’t get the chance to reply as Jason rushed up to you.

“Okay, so we’re gonna have to sit those two down for a talk, but we don’t have time for that today. We need substitutes,” Jason said, not nearly as panicked as you would expect from a director who had no one to direct. It was admirable, this ability to keep his head even when he hits what looks like a dead end.

“I’ll make some calls.” Reaching into your pocket, your mind ram through your options as your hand closed around your phone.

“I want you to do it,” Jason declared. 

It took you a few seconds to realize you hadn’t misheard. He looked back at you steadily, already resolute in his decision. You looked around, expecting protests, but the staff members only looked eager. 

“…I don’t like this joke,” you said, slowly.

“Good thing it wasn’t one!” Jason returned cheerfully. “Before you turn it down, let me say—please? And don’t go off with the ‘I’m nobody!’ thing. People know who you are.”

“Um.” You really, really didn’t know what to say to him.

“My brother thinks you’re hot,” Homer offered, and Jason beamed at him.

“Okay, we’ll do this. You’re the producer of one of the oldest and most popular shows. You’ve gained more media presence over the last two years. You’re also friends with Kiro and Professor Lucien, so people have been quite curious about you for a while! This is just a fun little thing. Please?” Jason pleaded.

In the spirit of fairness, you took a minute to think about it. It would solve half the problem. And today’s location was a local fair, where the couple got to try out anything they want to, with all the expenses covered by the company. The very thought of stepping in front of the camera left your cheeks flushed, but you couldn’t deny the bud of excitement that seemed to have taken root.

In the end, your stomach made the choice for you.

“If you think it’ll be fine, then sure,” you acceded, thoughts filled with stir-fried noodles and holding hands with a faceless person. “But what about the other person?”

“Hmm,” Jason looked in the direction of the office, reminding you that you don’t have all day to decide.

“I could call Gavin and ask if he’s free,” you suggested. People adore him. “Or Lucien?”

Jason nodded as if truly considering it, his gaze sharp on you. “Good choices. What about Victor?”

“Yeah, no. That is a bad idea,” you said at once, without giving it a moment’s thought. This was a dating show, where people go on cute dates and act adorable on camera. The very thought of Victor doing that at all, let alone with you…was something you couldn’t think of because it was ridiculous. And bad for your poor heart.

“It is an excellent idea,” Jason disagreed. You hated to be the bearer of bad news, but this was necessary. You’ve known Victor for a while now, and felt responsible for Jason’s well-being that would inevitably be threatened if he embarks on this particular path.

“He’d never agree to it,” you told him solemnly. The man barely agrees to do interviews; a show like this? Out of the question. “You know who he is, right? He doesn’t have time for this.”

“Why don’t you leave that to me, and go get ready. I’ll go get your man,” Jason said, loud and bright, shooing you in the direction of the dressing rooms. You stood there for another minute, dazed and afraid. What if Victor thought it was your idea?

The horror.

The terror.

“I’m still texting Lucien!” you called after him, voice pitched high in your alarm. Before you could follow Jason to make sure Victor knows you would never suggest this, an arm slid around your shoulder.

“Darling,” Arnold, the head stylist, cooed at you. “I heard the good news.”

“How?” It had been two minutes. People shouldn’t be spreading this without the director’s confirmation.

“Forget the hows. This is your time to shine. Come, we’re going to make that CEO drool,” he proclaimed, shepherding you towards the dressing rooms. “And I can finally do something about this hair!”

“He’s not going to agree.” You were absolutely certain of that, even as your mind continued to conjure cutesy images of you sharing cotton candy with the reticent man. 

Taking a seat at the vanity, you reached for your phone over the cotton pads, watching Arnold’s reflection in the large mirror as he flitted about the small room, picking out different outfits. You hadn’t gotten a chance to check it for a while, and scrolled through your texts swiftly, pausing on a few in particular.

‎

Victor [9:00]: Hello. I’ve got some time off today.

Victor [9:02]: Is it alright if we drop by the set? What time is your lunch break?

Victor [9:20]: You must be busy. I spoke to Anna. I’ll see you later.

Victor [9:25]: Also, good morning.

‎

Oh.

He had actually let you know he’d be dropping in. Taciturn and domineering he may be, but Victor’s quiet consideration often left you glowing with warmth. In comparison, your own clumsiness often left you embarrassed. In this instance, it made you feel doubly determined to do this right.

‎

Y/N [12: 05]: Hi, sorry I missed these. Don’t worry, I’ll get us back on track.

‎

Closing Victor’s chat, you took a moment to consider your options before making your choice.

‎

Y/N [12:07]: Lucien! Are you free?

Lucien [12:15]: Hello. Just wrapped up a lecture. I thought you were going to be shooting today?

Y/N [12:16]: I am. Actually, I had a favour to ask.

‎

You stared down at the screen of your phone, shoulders relaxing as one of the assistants fussed with your hair. Should you wait for Jason before asking him? You knew what the outcome will be, regardless of what you wanted. You’ve always known, always kept your thoughts safe behind a barrier, never letting them spill out in Victor’s presence.

You thought back to his disappointment, and something fragile in your chest tightened.

Your phone buzzed in your hand, and you prayed to all the powers above that this works out.

‎

Victor [12:18]: Dummy. I’m not worried.

‎

There was a knock at the door as you opened the chat, thrown off but pleased by Victor’s confidence.

“Guys, can I come in?”

It was Jason.

With trembling fingers curling tight, you sat up straighter as he was let in. Your pulse quickens, your emotions jumbling together until your can’t tell them apart. You kept your expectations low. You knew what the answer would be. It couldn’t hurt if you expected it.

You just hoped it wouldn’t change anything. It wasn’t your idea.

“He agreed!” Jason announced with a flourish, and your heart halted its despondent march. “His secretary’s picking up his outfit, they said it won’t take too long. We’ll do his hair and mak—uh, are you okay?”

You swallowed your heart back down. “He said yes.”

“Yeah,” he confirmed, stretching out his answer, nodding as Arnold thrust an outfit at him. 

“And he…knows it’s with…me?” you asked carefully.

Jason’s brows climbed a notch higher. “Yes, of course.” His eyes gleamed with something you couldn’t quite read.

“Right, right. That’s great! Fantastic. Wonderful,” you said admittedly weakly, turning your gaze back to your reflection. The colour seemed to have drained from your skin, and you ignored the concerned glance exchanged by Jason and Arnold.

“___, hey,” Jason began gently, coming up to stand behind your chair. “Are you okay with this?”

You studied his worried expression, thoughts turning inward. You shifted aside the panic, the disbelief, the prickling nerves, and shushed the sparks of excitement.

A date with Victor.

It sounded wonderful. But the problem was never about you not wanting it. It was that you’ve wanted it for so long and so badly. Could you really have this?

“It’s okay to say no. It’s just…I don’t think it’ll be as awful as you think,” Jason said. His brow furrowed as the lines of your face smoothed out.

Oh.

“It’s for the camera,” you remembered, and Jason hummed thoughtfully. Regardless of what he may think of you, Victor wouldn’t let it show on the screen. You knew he was aware of what the show entails. So, perhaps, you could have this. It was for work. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s okay.”

Your breath evened out from its shallow state, and you smiled up at Jason, who still looked concerned.

“It’ll be okay.” Your phone buzzed again, and you gathered yourself once more.

‎

Lucien [12: 23]: What can I do for you?

Victor [12:24]: And I look forward to working with you.

‎

It wouldn’t be real.

Telling yourself it wouldn’t be real was easy.

Sitting next to Victor, your high stools positioned close together as you tried to keep your thoughts away from dangerous paths, was not easy. But the light notes of his scent, sandalwood and myrrh if your nose hadn’t led you astray, threatened to lull you into a state of near-intoxication.

Jason had wanted to film the ‘first meeting’ and, for the sake of authenticity, decided to have Victor wait in front of the camera while you got to be the one to walk in. Which meant it was straight from the dressing room to the set. While you were thankful you wouldn’t be filmed drooling on camera, it still meant you wouldn’t get a chance to talk to him until after, or in between takes.

You were a lot more grateful for the arrangement when you did walk to the set, because the sight of Victor—clad in a slim-fit black shirt, paired with a dark grey jacket and black pants that stretched deliciously over his muscled thighs—stopped you dead in your tracks, your thoughts wiped blissfully clean.

The look on his face, bright under the studio lights, had been unreadable, but it didn’t look like his usual unimpressed poker face, so you decided to take it as not quite a win, but not a loss either. Then the small upturn of the corners of his lips, however, threatened to overload your system, prompting you to avert your gaze slightly as you walked to him, for fear of losing yourself.

Your hi had been shyer than intended, but his hello had been the gentlest you had ever heard it.

And then he handed you a bouquet of red, fragrant roses and you felt yourself grow weak.

It was a short take, where you both introduced yourselves, and discussed where you’d be going for the date.

“Do you like fairs?” he’d asked, gaze intent as if your answer was of the utmost importance.

“I love them,” you’d answered, meaning it completely, and he’d looked glad.

Even through the wild beating of your heart, you had managed to feel impressed. He was doing wonderfully already. Who knew Victor had these acting skills? Hopefully, he thought the same of you. You weren’t acting, though, and this, you were quickly realizing, could be a wonderful way to lift the lid off the pot just a little, and let your real feelings shine through.

You would be filming the individual, interview type scenes last, after the date.

With the first meeting done, with Jason going over the take to make sure he had everything he needed, you would be moving to the location soon. But first-

You looked around quickly, covering your mic and making sure nobody was paying too much attention to you, before turning to Victor—only to nearly jump in fright when you met his eyes. How he’d known you wanted to talk, you’d never know. His own eyes had widened when you’d turned around all of a sudden, the tips of his ears reddening slightly. He had probably been startled by your reaction.

“Hi,” you whispered, grinning up at him, and his lips twitched as he covered his mic.

“You’re doing well,” Victor told you, giving you a firm nod, and you couldn’t quite keep from beaming at him.

“Thanks, you too. I never knew you were hiding such a skilled actor in there!” You really meant it, but your words gave him pause, mouth opening and closing as he considered his response. Strange, as modesty was something he didn’t often bother with. Not to say he’s arrogant, just that he knew his strengths.

“…thank you,” he finally said. “You too. I didn’t know you could…act.”

Because you weren’t acting. The blushing, the shy giggling, the warmth buzzing through you, they were painfully real.

You shrugged, smiling slightly, and he looked away.

“Just…thank you, Victor,” you murmured. “I know this isn’t really your thing. But I promise I’ll do my best to make it enjoyable.”

The light, airy sound that escaped his mouth could almost be a laugh. He did shoot you a small smirk, facing you once more. “Well, you’re not wrong. But it can’t be too bad. I’ve heard they’ve got good street food.”

“Good street food,” you repeated blankly. Wasn’t he taking this acting thing too far? This was bordering on alarming, coming from the man who used to look down on you for eating instant noodles.

“Yes.” He looks at you as if daring you to argue, and, well, who are you to argue with an actor’s method? 

His smile faded slightly as yours widened, eyes fixating on yours, your voice pitching higher in your excitement. “I know, yeah, great food. Literally the only reason I agreed to do this!”

Victor’s face shutters at that, his lips pressing tightly together. “Hm.” He turned back to face the camera, leaving you confused, before realisation dawned.

“Hey, don’t worry! I won’t be too much of a glutton, we’ll be on camera, after all,” you told him, as reassuringly as possible because you and good food were a dangerous combo.

He arched a sharp brow at you. “We’ll see about that. I may spend most of my time in kitchen, but Mr Mills has much to tell me about some of your reactions.”

It was only through the sheer power of your offence that you were able to scowl at him even with the heat flaring up in your cheeks. “Well, there’s no way the food there will be as good as the one in Souvenir, so we have nothing to worry about.”

You resisted the urge to cross your arms, keeping your hands neatly folded in your lap as you turned away from him. But when he said nothing for a whole minute, you couldn’t resist the urge to sneak a peek, only to be left with your jaw slack.

Victor was still facing forward, but the corners of his mouth seemed to be curling up despite the effort he was clearly putting into keeping them neutral, his tiny smile still managing to spill through the seams. It enraptured you, a willing captive to the sight of him so pleased, and you wondered if you could make it through this with your heart intact.

But then, you told yourself through your daze, any chef would be happy to receive such praise for their food.

[video]

hopefully, yours, episode 3, part 1: Introductions (Victor and Y/n)

450,569 views  •  Feb 8th, 2020

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JTV ✓

1.19M subscribers 

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51,509 comments

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Jason P ✓ 

pinned comment

This is a special one guys ♡

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needwater 45 minutes ego

AM I HALLUCINATING OR IS VICTOR LI ACTUALLY ON A DATING SHOW?

            view 50 replies

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somsom 23 minutes ago

omg it’s y/n! We rarely get to see her on TV. She’s so cute!!!!

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orangeismycolour 16 minutes ago

!!!! Victor and Y/n!!! Omg ever since I saw them attend the Loveland gala together last year, I knew there was something there!! 

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tooktiktook 8 minutes ago

um. isn’t this kind of an odd combo?

    cheribb 5 minutes ago

    @tooktiktok I thought so too but they look pretty cute together. I mean…he totally blushed when he saw her! And his eyes went so soft!

      tooktiktok 4 minutes ago

      @cheribb Well, she seems sweet but I think he was just being nice.

By the time you were shuffled into a van and driven to the site of the fair, your nerves had mostly settled.

Of course, that may have had something to do with the pudding cup Victor had handed you once you were in your seats. Goldman had brought over a paper bag, with Victor plucking two cups from it like a magician with a hat. With that said, while it’s a trick you’ve seen many a time, it never fails to bring a sparkle to your eye.

With Arnold’s permission, you were more than happy to dig right in. Your makeup would have to be retouched once you got there even if you didn’t eat.

It was easy to relax in the steady familiarity of Victor’s presence. A dangerous notion, your unwavering faith in Victor, that dictated everything would be okay if he was there because he would either make it so, or you, with confidence half-drawn from him, would make sure of it yourself.

It was only once you were halfway through the treat, humming and wiggling in your joy, that you realized Victor hadn’t started on his. Rather, his eyes were fixed firmly on you, intent in observing your devouring of the pudding.

The next bite went down a little heavier as you turned to him.

“Is something wrong?” Your enthusiasm surely couldn’t have come as a surprise.

He hesitated, seemingly on the verge of saying something, before clearing his throat and looking out he the window at the slow-moving traffic.

“No. Just…eat slowly,” he muttered, refusing to look at you. You squint at him, at the pink creeping up the back of his neck, sucking on the spoon thoughtfully. “There’s no need to rush.”

“Sorry. I got a little too excited.” Your laugh is a little hollow, and you muffle it with another mouthful of the soft, sweet dessert, missing his quick glance back at you.

He sighed, sudden and a little ragged.

“No, I meant that you should take your time and savour it,” he told you, looking at you out of the corner of his eye. “I can make it for you anytime, so there will be many more chances in the future.”

The next spoonful remained frozen by your mouth as you struggled to process his words. Warm fingers came to rest against the back of your hand, guiding it, and the spoon, to your lips. Your skin tingled, but what was more damning was the way he held your gaze as your lips parted, the metal spoon warm against your tongue as you tasted the sweet delicacy.

It felt all the more sweeter, however, because of the little smile dancing across Victor’s lips.

You were rescued from attempting to respond to that by the van slowing to a stop, with Jason and Homer climbing in before they got moving again. Homer would be the one following you around the fair, as they only needed to get a few takes of you indulging in various activities.

“We absolutely need one with the ferris wheel, of course. A little cliched, but still damn cute. Maybe we can fix a camera in the cabin…” Jason trailed off, turning to Homer for his input. “If you think it’ll be better without you there.”

‘How would it be better without Homer there?’ you wanted to protest. ‘I’ll screw it up if left to my own devices! Professional environment aside, that’s a little too romantic!’

Something prickled at the back of your neck, and you realized Victor seemed to be trying to get your attention, albeit in a very silent way you probably wouldn’t have caught on to if you hadn’t spent so much time studying him.

He said nothing even when you met his gaze, but a reassuring warmth calmed you all the same. I’ll be there, he seemed to say. Trust me.

You were worried about the romantic atmosphere getting to your head, but surely Victor, the ultimate voice of reason, wouldn’t let you get carried away?

“Okay, we won’t crowd you guys too much, but remember to avoid turning away from the camera!”

That had been the last thing Jason said to you both before he retreated to his place behind Homer, who was ready with the camera propped over his shoulder. Your mics were affixed to your clothes, and people were already beginning to shoot curious looks your way. It wasn’t an uncommon sight; many vloggers and people working for food channels could often be found in places like these, flitting about with their cameras out as they partook in the activities available.

While being around cameras was nothing new, it was a little strange to be on the other side of them. Nervousness weighing on your chest, you reminded yourself over and over: be natural, don’t act like a lovesick fool, don’t stare at Victor for too long. Turning to the man himself as Homer adjusted the camera settings, hoping to draw inspiration from his steadfast composure, you could only stare in confusion at the intent way in which he was staring at the entrance to the fair.

Following the trajectory of his gaze, you squinted, hoping to see what had caught his attention. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary, with people milling about, the welcoming sign high above their heads bright and welcoming.

“Victor?”

“Hm?”

“Is everything okay?” you asked hesitantly, and he nodded, almost distracted.

“Are we ready?” he asked Homer, who gave him a thumbs up.

Jason grinned at you, winking in what he seemed to think was a discreet manner. “Have fun, you two.”

You couldn’t quite pretend there were no cameras, not with Homer keeping up with you as you began to walk through the entrance arch. Looking at Victor was easier, just to block out the awareness of your companions, of course.

Catching your nervous glances, he inclined his head towards you and made an abortive movement, hand rising and falling midway. His jaw clenched, and then he offered you his arm, elbow bent. 

As your hand curled around his arm, you focused on your vibrant surroundings. A task made more difficult when, after a short pause, you felt him tuck his elbow into his side, the broad span of his shoulders relaxing when you tightened your grip.

“I’ve been meaning to come here for years, but never really got the chance to,” you told Victor, your voice still edged with nervousness. But Victor nodded at you again, the usual stern line of his mouth quirking up, and your mind stuttered, committing itself to memorizing the precious curve of his mouth.

“In that case I’m glad we got to come here together,” he told you, and it took a good deal of effort not to gape at him. “It’s a first for both of us.”

You nodded, stunned by this unforeseen acting prowess. Seemed like you’ve discovered another one of his many talents.

“Hopefully, it’s the first of many,” he added, a smug lilt to his voice, and this time, you did gape.

“Y-yeah,” you answered, face heating up as you turned away for the sake of your dignity. “Hopefully.”

bandanaman @headaccs

are we all seeing this?? he’s such a gentleman!! I was not expecting this man to be smooth. #HopefullyYours

mintmadness @mintsallover

@headaccs HAVE YOU SEEN HIM? He doesn’t even need words, one look and I would be on my knees. #HopefullyYours #VictorLi

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srirachafire @hotsauce

@mintsallover calm yo thirsty ass down lmao

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raspberrydream @berryberry

“the first of many” omg what does he mean????  #HopefullyYours

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freshasnow @crystalmoon

Yeah, I’m not really feeling this. I thought we were going to get Kai and Hollow this week? #HopefullyYours

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teatime ✓ @spillit

For those of you asking, yes, we knew Victor Li and Y/n were going to be on Hopefully, Yours. Don’t worry darlings, we’ll have some quality tea for you soon!  #HopefullyYours

Spotting the first of the food vendors, you both headed over to it, peering at the fresh dumplings. The vendor straightened up at the sight of the camera, a benign smile spreading across his face when you asked him for permission to film, nodding and plating plump, steaming dumplings with the utmost grace.

Gordon, as he introduced himself, was more than happy to talk about his family business, their two restaurants in Loveland, while Homer took close-ups of the dumpling that Victor broke apart for a better look.

“My daughter comes here every year with me, insisting she can handle things by herself, but honestly, I just enjoy coming here,” he chortled, before fixing the two of you with a knowing look. “It’s a completely different atmosphere from the restaurant! And it’s always nice to see sweet young couples such as yourselves. Reminds me of my own fair dates with my wife…”

You couldn’t stop sneaking glances at Victor, who seemed content to chew on his snack. He caught your eyes, before his flickered over your head towards Homer and Jason. Inexplicably, his ears began to tint a deep crimson, as he swallowed with some effort and stepped closer to you.

It began to make sense when he lifted the other half of the dumpling to your lips, Gordon gasping an oh my! in the background, and even as your heart began to race, your eyes widening, you felt…bad. Jason had obviously asked him to do this, and you felt terrible about him having to embarrass himself like this. But he did it, and so you took a small bite of the dumpling, the juicy filling suddenly tasteless on your tongue.

And then there was a soft sensation on your chin, your eyes lifting to see Victor dabbing at your skin with a napkin, the little motion taking all his concentration until he stepped back with a satisfied glint in his eyes, which seemed to linger around your mouth.

When you were unable to do anything more than flush deeply and try to stammer out a thank you, Jason ended the shot.

The glint in Victor’s eyes didn’t fade, and something within you quivered.

raspberrydream @berryberry

he looks like he wants to eat HER  #HopefullyYours

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bandanaman @headaccs

@berryberry I CAN’T BREATHE. I thought he was going to kiss her LOL. And she looked so nervous and then he just wiped her chin THIS IS TOO SOFT I CANT #HopefullyYours 

mintmadness @mintsallover

god I wish that were me #HopefullyYours

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only4food @bananabread

Okay I HAVE TO go to this place. I NEED TO EAT EVERYTHING. Who’s in??

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midnightmachine @musiclover

Gordon knows what’s up. We stan a hard-working man. #HopefullyYours

Things continued in much the same direction. With no signs of reluctance, Victor rolled up his sleeves and dived into the bustle of the fair. And with his hand curled around your wrist, you couldn’t bring yourself to doubt him. You’ve learned to read the signs of his displeasure, subtle and obvious, and they were nowhere to be found. He looked relaxed, trying out mini doughnuts, accompanying you to any shops you want to browse, frowning when you looked longingly at the ring toss.

“Let’s go,” he said, guiding you over to the booth. Well, you were supposed to try out the games too, but you hadn’t thought Victor would agree to play them. It seemed a little too childish for him.

“I haven’t come here in years either,” he told you when you looked at him curiously, the two of you standing in line with Homer right next to you. “I love my job, but I admit it takes up most of my time. I rarely have time to indulge like this.” He paused, as if wanting to say more, but his eyes flicked towards Homer and he ended it there.

While a part of you was startled in by his words, another softened at his truthful admission.

Victor seemed to have thought of something else, giving you a meaningful look. “But, of course, I always make time for the people in my life.”

You blinked, a little taken aback by sudden turn in direction.

“Even if they want to come to places like these, I don’t mind.” Victor seemed to be hinting heavily at something, and you smiled at that, almost excessively fond. Because it’s true that Victor makes time for the people in his life, especially his family. And even for you—he’s there for you, no matter how small the matter might be; huffing and puffing and going out of his way to help you. 

Falling for someone like that, someone who effuses such stoic confidence and noble compassion in equal measure, it was all too easy.

“Then we’ll make sure to come again,” you told him, a wide grin blooming across your face at the thought. It was unlikely that it would actually happen, but it was nice to think about. You stepped up to the cashier, greeting him politely.

You finally got your turns after fifteen minutes, with Homer and Jason taking a quick snack break while you waited. You’d run a quick eye over the prizes available, quickly drawn to two pusheen cat plushies, a soft grey and a dark ebony. You didn’t think he’d judge you on camera, but would it really be okay to admit that’s what you want? The hair pin would be a more sophisticated pick, something more to his tastes. 

Silently despairing over your proclivity for soft cute things, you turned to Victor for his choice.

Only to realize he seemed to have taken his jacket off while you were preoccupied and handed it over to Jason, his thin black t-shirt fitting him like a glove—and your words died a swift death at the back of your throat, shrivelling in the sudden dryness of your mouth. Silhouetted against the light of the late afternoon sun, his features seemed sharper, his gaze keener as he twirled the ring in his hands carefully.

As Homer began to roll the camera, and Victor prepared to toss the ring, you panicked with the realization that he didn’t ask you which prize you wanted like Jason had asked him to.

The ring landed around a bottle with a loud clink, and you hoped the surprise you felt wasn’t clear in your loud cheer. With the look he gave you, you knew he caught it even if others wouldn’t.

And then he handed you the dark pusheen plushy, which you took with trembling fingers and a sheepish smile. “Oh, thank you.” It was exquisitely soft to the touch. “This is the one I wanted.”

“Hm.”

“It looks like you.”

“What-” His head snapped toward you as you laughed, clutching the toy to your chest. Whatever outraged retort he’d been about to spit out was held back as he saw you hugging it contentedly, your eyes twinkling at him. “…I suppose.”

You handed him the toy, rolling your shoulders as you were given the ring. “Which one do you want?”

“I’m fine with anything,” he said, eyes locked on the grey pusheen plushy, the other half of the pair. So it was with a laugh, helpless in the face of his clear yet unspoken demand, that you tossed the ring. You got it on the second try, handing the toy to Victor with a triumphant grin, who took it primly and tucked it into his side.

“Thank you.”

“Isn’t this too childish by your standards?” you teased, unable to help it, but he only smirked down at you, stealing your breath with devastating ease.

“It is. But childish is…nice, sometimes,” he admitted carefully.

Your mind helpfully supplied you with all the instances of him calling you childish. “Oh?”

He shrugged, elegant, one shoulder lifting as he looked back down at the toy, before looking back up at you through dark, half-lidded eyes. “It’s grown on me.”

Kiro ✓ @kiromusic

Wow! This seems like so much fun, I kinda wish I got to go there too! :D @miracley/n invite me next time!!  #HopefullyYours 

Savin @agents

@kiromusic You just want to eat junk. And...well, I guess we can make an exception for today. 

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bandanaman @headaccs

Before I proceed to scream over the clip, I just wanted to let y’all know I did some digging and apparently, they are friends! They’ve been spotted together in public many times, including the Loveland Gala last year. You know what this means. #HopefullyYours

bandanaman @headaccs

THE PUSHEEN TOYS. They won each other toys!! Y/n’s right, that does look like him with the dark fur lmao. BUT. Look at Victor’s heart eyes!! And she looked so happy omg T_T

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raspberrydream @berryberry

@headaccs NO WONDER. It seems like they already like each other but it seemed too soon!! They’re so cute omg please date!! #HopefullyYours

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bandanaman @headaccs

@berryberry With how they look at each other? I smell pining ;) I’ve compiled a list of all their public appearances. He even took her to Souvenir! How are they not dating????

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raspberrydream @berryberry

@headaccs DM ME!!!!

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srirachafire @hotsauce

@headaccs I feel like that’s a bit of a reach. They certainly seem comfortable with each other, but that could easily just be friendship, which is nice too. I feel like we should allow people to be friends instead of just shipping them.

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mintmadness @mintsallover

@hotsauce they’re on a dating show, though.

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srirachafire @hotsauce

@mintsallover yeah but plenty of other ‘couples’ were just friends or went on to be good friends. I just think these two are comfortable with each other, which is probably a good thing because Victor doesn’t strike me as the sort of person who can have fun with just anyone, you know?

You ended up having a lot more fun than you thought you would. Victor was always great company, but you could tell he’d tried his best to relax for the show and you didn’t know how to thank him for it. The warm gratitude bubbled up at the base of your throat, your heart sinking deeper into the ocean of affection you already held for him.

He’s so kind. His aloof demeanour, his nagging, his precise instructions and advice were things you’ve come to appreciate. But beyond those lies a heart so caring, so considerate, it made you yearn so deeply, to find yourself a place in it. But Victor had come to treat you as a friend and you could never ruin that because of your own feelings. It was precious, his friendship, and you wanted to treat it as such.

The line you’d drawn with so much care seemed to be straining, however, ever since you found out you would be riding the ferris wheel together, without Homer.

“The people in charge told us if we could just wait until closing time, they could keep things going until we’re done shooting!” Jason had told you as he briefed everyone. A bunch of the crew had left after packing up, as this would be the last take for the day. “That way Homer can fix the lighting and equipment in the cabin and won’t need to join you two! Give you some privacy, yeah?”

‘For what,’ you’d screamed internally, nodding along with a smile on the outside.

 Looking to Victor for his opinion had been futile, because he seemed to have withdrawn into his own head, looking up at the ferris wheel absently. You were supposed to shoot the individual parts, but with how late it had gotten, Jason had asked the two of you to drop by the studio the next day. Only, you had a free slot in the morning while Victor would only be able to make it sometime during the late afternoon.

So you wouldn’t get to see what Victor said about you. That was perfectly fine. Things had gone well, and Victor wasn’t the sort to badmouth someone anyway.

It was supposed to be his day off. And he gave it up to participate in a show that was, for all intents and purposes, pointless for him. You felt terrible, heart aching at the thought that once again you had made him waste his time.

How on earth did Jason even get him to agree to this?

“You’re thinking something ridiculous,” came a low voice, and Victor seemed to have come back from his mental journey.

“I’m sorry,” you blurted out, the guilt getting to you.

“For what?” He seemed genuinely baffled, and it made you feel worse.

“For this entire day. You just came for a visit and now it’s after 8 pm and your day off is gone and you rarely get free time…” your shameful rambling tapered off as the furrow between his brows appeared to grow deeper and deeper.

His response was interrupted by a staff member, who came to let you know the ride was ready for you two. Walking together in complete silence, you wondered what he was about to say.

“Do you regret it?”

You arrived at the ride, and Victor had stopped in front of the open door. “What?”

“Do you regret it?” he repeated patiently, holding his hand out to you. “This entire day. Our date.”

Our date.

It was silly, how him calling it a date, with no cameras in sight, seemed to affect you so deeply. It was ridiculous but it was so real, how your heart fluttered and hope unfurled in the garden where you’ve buried your affection.

“Because I’m not sorry,” he added when you failed to do anything other than flush horribly. There was a question in his gaze, one you didn’t know how to answer, so with a deep breath, you focused on the one he’d asked out loud.

“No,” you said softly, your hand coming to rest over his as he helped you into the cabin. “I don’t regret it.”

How could you, when he was everything you wanted?

You settled on the plastic bench, watching Homer fiddle with the settings and light, making sure the camera’s fixed in place, basking in the heat emanating from Victor.

“Alright, that should work. You guys ready?” he asked.

“Yeah!”

“Yes.”

Homer stepped back to let Jason poke his head through the door. “We’re all set guys. Just call us if there are any problems. Be yourselves, don’t worry about the take. And remember, make sure to make it as romantic as possible!”

As the door closed behind him, with the camera rolling, silence rose to take the place of the sounds now cut off, the rest of the world falling away as the ride began and you began to ascend.

Outside the window, the stars shone in a twinkling blanket across the night sky, and Victor’s arm pressed into yours. Meeting his eyes was difficult, astoundingly so after the entire day you spent together.

This close, it would be so easy to let the words tumble from your lips. You didn’t know what your eyes could give away right now, and you were just as afraid of the softness in his gaze.

It looked too real.

“I’m glad we finally got some peace,” he muttered, and just like that a bright laugh broke out through your fear.

“This was not your kind of place at all, was it?” you said, snickering at the look he threw your way, because it’s so easy to make him huff like that.

“It was…lively,” he said, glaring at you as you stifle your smile behind your hand. “Exactly the kind of place you enjoy.”

“That’s true.”

“Then that’s that.” He shifted a little, trying to face you, his knee knocking into yours. “As long as you had fun, we’ll come again.”

Despite your warnings, your heart skipped a beat.

You tried to laugh it off, changing the subject to your childhoods, swapping lighter stories and carefully avoiding the heartbreaks. Your hands moved somewhere in between, in the dim lights, and your fingers had found each other’s. Make it romantic, Jason had said. That was the only reason. You talked about work, about Miracle Finder, about his public projects, how your busy lives don’t give you the chance to find love.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Victor cut in, still looking at you in that quietly dangerous away, his gaze a heated cloak over your skin.

You stilled. “You wouldn’t?” There was a tremor in your voice, one you hoped went unnoticed.

“I think, regardless of how busy we are, however reluctant…love finds us when it has to,” he said, his voice deep, unwavering, and you forgot how to breathe. Somehow, despite doing your best to avoid it, you had wound up on the proverbial cliff’s edge.  

And it was time to take a leap.

“Victor...have you ever been in love?” you asked, part of you ready for his outrage, for him to brush it off with a roll of his eyes, and the other curling up in fear at the thought of the answer he might really give you.

He hummed, tightening his grip on your hand when you tried to tug it back, searching your face. His thumb swept over your knuckles, rubbing gently, and you wondered if he was preparing you for heartbreak.

“Yes. I have.”

Kiki @kikiki

@smilingwillow WHAT THE FUCK

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Anna @miracletv

@kikiki Language.

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Kiki @kikiki

‎@miracletv did you see the episode?? im going to collapse WHERE IS BOSS @miracley/n

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raspberrydream @berryberry

DID HE JUST???? OH MY GOD @headaccs DID YOU SEE THIS? ARE YOU OKAY? #HopefullyYours

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bandanaman @headaccs

THIS MAD LAD ACTUALLY DID IT. @berryberry I will never recover from this #HopefullyYours

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srirachafire @hotsauce

@headaccs @berryberry He just said he’s been in love before. He didn’t say he’s in love with her lol

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raspberrydream @berryberry

@hotsauce what will it take for you to finally see the light

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mintmadness @mintsallover

I could listen to this man talk all day. Y/n, you’re one lucky girl <3 #HopefullyYours

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cocoloco @chocolatedelite

I’m late to the party but lmao at everyone freaking out. Uhhh honestly I’m not sure. These things are usually scripted. They could just be faking it. #HopefullyYours

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srirachafire @hotsauce

@chocolatedelite Thank you!!!!

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victorshoe @mrsli

My heart is broken but their cuteness has mended it. I’ll give them my blessings. #HopefullyYours

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bandanaman @headaccs

oh thank god they just uploaded the individual bits!!! THANK YOU @jtv

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bandanaman @headaccs 

...wait 

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raspberrydream @berryberry

‎‎omfg

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bandanaman @headaccs

????? IS THAT IT??? COME BACK @jtv that can't be it!! 

Thank you for reading! 

MC/You: it’s a fake date. chill. 

Victor: Goldman I need NINE roses and an outfit that makes me look like a sex god I HAVE A DATE

[compassion-in-perspective]

Achievement Unlocked: Self Love

Self- love. What an elusive thing to all of us. And no, women aren’t the only ones with this issue. If you relate to being a human, good chance you have this problem too. The question of “how can I love myself?” or “will I ever love myself?” are questions a lot of people spend most of their lives chasing. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting here behind this screen pretending that I fully love myself, because I don’t yet. But after my journey through the pandemic and these last 6 months, I’ve finally been able to start on a sustainable path that’s right for me. Today let’s see if I can frame a perspective, that you could start to feel like maybe someday you could put yourself on that highway too! And today we ain’t following no TDSC format! You’re going to have to read and follow along to find out how I got myself on this journey!

To start off, I’ve put a lot of work into letting go and detaching from most societal expectation that I let affect me on way too deep of a level. Do I think everyone needs to do that? No. However, I’m willing to bet there’s lots of people out there that should consider looking into expectations from anything or anyone that could be holding them back. In my experience, letting go of certain fundamental external pressures such as parental biases, gender norms, and compulsory heterosexuality has helped me on my way to finally seeing my true self shine through. As appose to the identity of dressing a way I hated, originally choosing a career path I thought I had to choose, and saying I liked Kevin out of the 3 Jonas Brothers. And we all know that’s weird because no one would say they liked Kevin back in 2008. And all because I thought had to like boys and not girls. Obviously, those are just personal examples to me. However, in my viewpoint, a lot of us don’t realize those expectations show up in the things we ask ourselves about on the daily like: “Why am I so lazy because I keep procrastinating that thing I need to do?” or “Should I dress a certain way, so people won’t judge me?” Those are the secret examples of suffering under those thought to be set standards that are holding most us back from living authentic, healthy, and fulfilling lives. And you might be thinking, “I’ve never asked myself anything like that before.” Well, those questions can hide in emotions like shame, guilt, or anger. Or maybe it’s behaviour like never saying no to our mom’s. Or suffering from excessive amounts of toxic masculinity and being extremely homophobic, because underneath is more feminine traits that you don’t want to expose. Bottom line taking the time to examine the extrinsic things that feel like a devil and angel sitting on your shoulders are totally worth the time if you can pinpoint which ones effect you. Something my therapist told was “name it to tame it.”

Next, were at the midway point of this journey to potential self-love, and that is digging deep into your past experiences. And to tell you the truth, this was the hardest part. I got so deep in the hurt at one point I actually realised why some people choose to not face their pasts at all. For me this part of my story started this past winter. I personally got to a point where I needed to seek therapy. My anxiety was through the roof, and my thoughts assumed they were Lighting McQueen racing to see how fast they could make me upset. And honestly, I could barely function in day-to-day life. After 5 months of speaking to a therapist I finally started to make break throughs in my psyche. When I had my biggest realization, I was slightly unwell for almost 2 weeks trying to process my trauma’s. But as hard as those 2 weeks were, it was totally worth it because I had 2 weeks that followed of pure peace. 14 days of my first encounter with serenity in 24 years. I did so many things those 2 weeks. I started reading again, I spent almost every day sitting by the ocean, I painted, and built LEGO’s! That’s when I knew I finally discovered what life could really feel like. Overall, I would be so bold in saying that this part of the way to potential self-love is like a weight loss journey. It’s not for the faint of heart. You will be taking 1 step forward to take 2 steps back again. You need to be ready to put that work in if you so choose to better yourself. And when you find you are ready it’s totally worth moving in this direction, because you the reader, are valid. Your experiences are valid. And if you do choose to reach this milestone of digging into yourself, it will be worth it in the long run.

My final point of perspective on moving in a direction of loving yourself, is that there is room for healing when you can get to a head space to accept yourself. Getting to the point where you can accept yourself is nothing but empowering. It’s hopeful. And it’s freeing. When reaching this part of your story you’ll finally be able to breathe fresher air, colours will start to feel bright like when you were 12, and maybe you’ll catch yourself singing in the car again. When those feelings are felt and processed in a way that works for you, you’ll have the ability to love and help others better. And the best part is, you’ll finally feel like you can move your life in a direction that you want. Not what anybody else wants. Just you. This was my favorite part because for me I have felt lighter mentally and emotionally than I have in a long time. Am I saying that these conclusions have solved all of my problems? No way. But it’s been a freeing process to finally unwrap a lot of the layers that I was living under and afraid to come out of. And I do wish others will get to feel the relief I experienced someday no matter how they reach that inner peace!

To sum up my short telling’s and views on how you can maybe start on a path to self-love there’s three things that you as the reader had to navigate through theses paragraphs. One, letting go of external expectations that you think could be holding you back. Two, digging deep into your past experiences that you think made up the person you are at this very moment. And three, contrary to the popular belief there is room for healing in accepting yourself when you feel like you finally can.

Are the three topics of discussion going to help you reader? Maybe. Maybe not. That’s up to you! But the mysterious idea of self-love, it’s always going to be something most people will struggle with. And I’d love to help in changing the conversation on this topic in a direction of believing that loving yourself is not linear. Like I said, 1 step forward to take 2 steps back. I encourage you reader to try and choose ways to love yourself that are sustainable and forever changing and molding with you! As apposed to treating self-love like it’s a giant X marked on a map that you’re seeking. And I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again! I would like to imagine this has helped you guys as the readers in provoking thoughts that are new and inspiring because I was able to put a topic that needs more compassion, into a simpler perspective.

[kpopchangedme]

Two Sheep Staring at Stars | Mark Tuan [M]

Years ago, you couldn’t believe a man like Mark could really be your Soulmate. This morning, it’s his turn to find out, and he can’t believe you wasted all this time.

Protagonists: Mark Tuan & You

Word Count: 3.7k

Genre: NSFW - University - Friends - Soulmates - [Drabble 2k]

Prompts: “You heard me. Take it off.” + “Don’t you know how to knock?” 

Requested by: Anon

GOT7 | M.list

“What about you, Cece?” Your best friend rolled back her eyes at the boy’s intrusive question. His back was turned on you, but even from the entrance of the empty pub, you could hear him loud and clear. You walked over to their table, eager to meet her new classmates. Cece was nervous about starting her Engineering major, knowing she’d have to deal with a majority of male classmates. That’s why she had invited you to their first outing, but now that you were here, she looked quite at ease. It might’ve been the first week of University, but Cece always was the best at making friends after all.

“Of course not.” The entire table chuckled at her obvious reply. “You think I’d be out drinking with you in the afternoon if I’d found Her?” She smiled as soon as she spotted you and waved, scooting closer to another stranger so you could sit next to her.

“Her?” The man repeated in surprise, and you almost ran to the bench.

Hopefully, none of her new classmates were bigots.

“Cece likes women.” You enlightened, sitting and shrugging away your Fall coat and light scarf. Everyone turned like one at your unexpected entrance. You didn’t raise your head to meet their curious gazes.

“I’m gay.” She confirmed, immediately wrapping her hand around your shoulder. “Super super gay.”

“Is this your… Girlfriend?” The following question forced you to assess the man across you. The curious guy blinked, unbothered by whatever he read in your eyes. He was also the one who had asked her if she had met her Soulmate. Charming, you decide, enough for you to forgive his rudeness. He had dark wavy hair and soft brown eyes, quite built too. The other young man to his left unsubtly elbowed him, probably ashamed by his lack of manners.

Cece laughed, “Me and her?!” You joined in. As if. The single most stupid thing one could assume about you two, although men always thought this. Or rather they hoped, in many sick cases. “We’re just friends.” She enlightened, hugging you tighter. You had known each other whole life; your moms were best friends, and that basically made you spiritual sisters. “Y/n plays for the other team.”

“Oh,” the built man grinned, leaning above the table. The beer in his glass tilted dangerously, and it occurred to you they might already be drunk. You came as soon as you could after your Introduction to Greek Architecture class, but still, they had been there for a while. “Ever seen something like this?” He turned his head to the side, pulling his hair aside to expose a weirdly shaped pink birthmark behind his ear. After a heartbeat, you shook your head, offering a contrite smile. You had never seen a Soulmark like that.

Cece was pouring you a welcoming beer, purposefully ignoring this whole thing. Living in a world where everyone is bearing a mark that irrevocably ties them with their Soulmate can disinterest you real quick of the urgency of the Search.

You had heard of people like this guy, using the beginning of University to find their significant other amongst their new acquaintances. It made a lot of sense, an opportunity. Every pair that isn’t an abnormality usually has a link, a common interest that unifies them. Immediately after your reply, the man pouted, disappointed, and turned to his friend. You hadn’t even had time to properly greet anyone at the table yet. 

“Jackson!” The other guy protested, but he was already pulling down his shirt. A mark right under the man’s collarbone got exposed.

It was small as a dollar, and it contrasted with his immaculate skin by its bluish colour. A peculiar Soulmark, completed with three tiny dots on top. You blinked; it only was visible for half a second before the man freed himself, highly embarrassed. It was enough. You felt warm, stuffy. Glancing at Cece in shock, you realized she missed it, busy posting a story on her Instagram instead. The guys were distracted too, drunkenly bickering over ‘boundaries’, a concept the one named Jackson apparently often didn’t get.

Meanwhile, you were as breathless as someone who’d just received an uppercut in the stomach. Surely you were overreacting. You only saw that man’s mark for a fleeting moment. “Yours is so pretty, y/n.” Cece had once said when you were only six or seven years old, getting ready to take a bath. “No,” you had protested, staring at your bare skin in the mirror, “it’s like a dirty ink stain!” You always hated your Soulmark. Most people’s marks were colourful and gorgeous, often smaller. Cece’s was on her left boob, a peachy complex heart shape one. Some unlucky people had to bear them publicly, on arms, neck or even faces. Yours was dark and ugly, but at least it was easy to conceal. 

“So?” Jackson turned back to you, hopeful. He wasn’t ready to give up yet apparently. “What about Mark’s?”

Mark. Was that really it, the way you’d meet Him? You hadn’t even got to have a proper look at his Soulmark. You weren’t sure. You weren’t ready.

“I…” Gaping, you turned to that guy, Mark, who didn’t even meet your eyes, clearly sulking. He was unarguably beautiful, even with his messy hair and face flushed by alcohol. His traits were striking, eyes a perfect stretched moon crescent, nose long and narrow, heart-shaped lips… No way, that man was way out of your league. The Soulmate bound wouldn’t be that mismatched. You were as dull and common as it gets. “… Sorry.” You managed, and Jackson’s face fell, disappointed.

“Sorry.” Mark echoed, meaning for his friend’s behaviour. “Mark Tuan, East Asian Studies. I’ve been stuck with Jackson since kindergarten, please don’t mind him.” He met your gaze for a fleeting second, only long enough to nod and for your heart to skip a beat. You couldn’t tell if he was ever slightly rude or just shy.

“Y/n,” Cece interjected, in your stance, unaware of what that guy almost was for a second. “Classical studies, been stuck with me since the womb.”

Forcing a laugh, you rolled your eyes. “You aren’t that bad, Ce!”

And just like that. The moment passed.

Gathering all your hair with your free hand, you bend to spit your mouthful of toothpaste in the sink. Your Hair. Your second mission this morning, doing something with it is getting harder and harder. You’re growing it, and it’s been a pain in the ass. Your phone chimes in repetition, and you barely glance at it before rolling your eyes. Mark is supposed to pick you up in ten, but as usual, he’s early.

Mark: I’m here. [6:48]

Jackson: RISE AND SHINE TUAN! Where are you? I’m glad you are coming but you are wayyyyyyy too early. Doors open at 7:30. [6:48]

Jackson: I can’t see you? I’m outside the building! Where are you??? [6:48]

Mark: I’m at y/n’s place. We’re going together. [6:48]

Why would he write in the group chat when he knows Jackson has to be up already. The man won’t stop texting once he’s started. You’re sure Jinyoung is still in bed, at whoever’s he ended up with last night, cursing because his phone won’t stop vibrating.

Today is Sunday and it’s not even 7am; basically the weekend’ dawn.

Ignoring the texts that keep coming in, you finish your hair and hurry to put on base makeup. You might have agreed to attend Cece and Jackson’s robot presentation, but you don’t intend to look like a zombie there. That’s another downer about living in a world and knowing your Soulmate is somewhere out there. You might end up running into Him at an inconvenient moment, and even though it shouldn’t matter, you don’t want to look like shit. Your mom met your dad at the beach, and even after 35 years, she never shuts up about the ridiculous sunburn she had that day. Like he would’ve noticed, (he did, but obviously didn’t give a shit).

You’re busy blending a little bit of concealer under your eyes when the door to your studio opens. There’s no warning at all, just the sound of the knob turning. You probably forgot to lock it after you got your mail earlier. Jerking to face the intruder, you squeal in terror, ready to stab him with your concealer’ brush. It’s not a stranger though. In the doorframe, Mark seems as startled as you, staring you up and down with eyes wide in shock.

“Shit, Mark, you scared me!” Fuming, you walk over to hit him, but he barely flinches. “Don’t you know how to knock?!”

“I-I texted you I was coming up…” He looks away guiltily. “Lock your door if you don’t want people to walk in on you half-naked…” Shit. You’re only wearing your very see-through white cami dress. Highly embarrassed, you turn your back on him to rummage in the first drawer you find for something decent. The mortification of your exposure makes you forget to be mad. “Your neighbour, the cat enthusiast, let me in… The one who dresses like a hobo.” Your friend steps in and shuts the door as you put jeans on, probably wanting to preserve your intimacy from the rest of the corridor. 

“Jaebeom.” You reply mechanically, he is convinced you and Mark are hooking up despite you denying it many times. Still, he shouldn’t have let him in like that. It’s against the apartment complex’s policy, and he could get in trouble. Shaking your head, you throw a gray shirt over your inappropriate attire. “I think he has like… Five freaking cats now. Jaebeom’s more than an enthusiast if he were a woman everyone would call him crazy. Don’t you think it’s sexist in a way?” Carefully, you slide off your nightdress from under your clothes, staying covered. Behind you, Mark is oddly silent for someone that is usually very opinionated. You glance over your shoulder. He’s still standing in the doorway, looking like he has seen a ghost. “What? It’s never too early in the morning. Patriarchy isn’t gonna fuck itself, Tuan.”

This seems to shake him, and he steps forward with a strange urgency. “Take it off.” His jaw, that was dangling open, clenches.

You did not expect that reaction. “W-What?” It is now you that is completely shaken. Is Mark making a move? What should you do, reject him? He’s come a long way from that shy guy you met at the pub if because he’s seen a little skin he… Holy shit… You hadn’t thought about the mark on your back in years. You are not one of those who freak out at the idea of the Soulmate Bound.

“You heard me, take it off.” Mark stares at you, expression unreadable.

You force out a chuckle to ease the tension in the tiny one-bedroom apartment. Rolling up your shirt, you obey, exposing the darker spot in the middle of your back, it’s on your ribs to the right; your embarassing Soulmark. A sheep staring at stars, that’s how Cece always described it when you were kids.

He breathes out in disbelief, “Is… Is that yours?” His fingertips graze your mark, and it’s like an electric shock.

Tensing, you stare intently at the wall in front of you. “Obviously.” Releasing your shirt, eager to hide it, you snort. “Ugly, right?” Somehow you feel bad when you meet his accusatory glare like you’ve committed some sort of unforgivable sin. Oh.

“It’s mine.” He announces, clearly out of it.

“Mark.” You shake your head from side to side. He needs to get it. You need to clarify that giant misunderstanding. “There is absolutely no way. Our Soulmarks are just similar.” 

His face twists, “Are you shitting me? I can’t tell if you are serious right now.” In a heartbeat, Mark shrugs off his sweater, exposing his chest and toned abs. You focus your attention on the spot right under his collarbone; a bluish cloud shape with three dots… Despite the fact you all went together to the beach last spring break, you haven’t seen his birthmark since the first night you met. Your eyes narrow on it, trying to remember every detail. It’s true, it looks an awful lot like yours. It’s like… There’s something caught in your throat, and you can barely breathe. “You saw mine. That night.” When Mark goes on, you fawn your face, unable to stop your mind from running crazy scenarios. This can’t be. “Why didn’t you say anything? Is it because you hate the idea of being with me that much? I can’t believe I’ve been fee…” He catches himself just in time, throwing both hands to the ceiling.

“Mark, we’re gonna be late to the convention…”  Running a hand in your already messed up hair, you state this like a formality. Over with it! He’s acting insane. That’s not right. It cannot be. You’re someone that always avoids everything, confronting you on that can’t do any good. He should’ve known this. “Jackson and Cece’s presentation is–” When you attempt to walk away, Mark in on you in no time. He catches and spins you in his arms before you can protest.

“I don’t give a shit about their fucking robot.” His whisper makes you shiver treacherously. In your back, your Soulmark is throbbing, like it has a life of its own. Mark’s hand slides inside your shirt, creeping up your skin until it finds it. Maybe he’s right; maybe you really are a match. None of you needs to see to know he’s touching the right spot. In a daze, you press your fingertips on his. Mark’s skin is burning, and you can feel his heart beating almost like it’s your own.

“Shit.” You curse lowly, overwhelmed.

It’s clear he isn’t doing much better, and he presses you into him as though his life depends on it. Is that It? Mark leans in, nose brushing yours and breath fawning your lips. You seem unable to stay anchored in reality, and your response is impulsive, automatic. Cupping his face with your palms, you pull Mark into you. He finds your mouth even with both eyes closed, but stops there; hovering millimetres over a fine line that you are bound to cross.

“Is that It?” You dare aloud against his lips and feel them curl into a smile.

“If that’s not it… I think I’ll die when I meet Her…”

You both know the answer when you finally kiss though. You should’ve done it years ago. Should’ve jumped him on that very first night. 

“Fuck,” you are seeing stars, “you’re my Soulmate.”

Mark groans in reply, it’s instinctive, it’s animalistic, it’s carnal, and it ends you. Whatever string of sanity holding you back breaks. It has been mere seconds and you know you’ll be his forever. Mark halts the kiss to press his mouth on your throat as you throw your head back. He reaches to lift your shirt, unable to refrain from it. He wants to feel you all over his chest, skin to skin. It joins his sweater on the ground. You are far from protesting, already you are backing up to your bed, in the middle of the room. You aren’t sure who pushed or pull when you fall on it, chest to chest. You’re a messy mass of skin and bones, but it works, it fits.

You were made for this.

Heat courses through your veins, setting everything afire every time Mark’s tongue grazes a new spot. It’s obscene how much you crave each other, both feeling like breaking with every kiss. One. Your heart explodes. Two. More. Three. You lose your mind. Four. Never stop. Five…

Obviously, there’s no slowing this down, you’ve passed the point of no return. Your jeans are taken care of in under two minutes. Mark’s pants? You blink and they are gone. It’s a miracle, every hindrance to you touching each other disappears, it’s magical. You only realize you’re fully naked when he naturally falls between your legs. Mark rolls forward and you curl in delight. He pants kisses more and more inconsistent. He rubs himself between your legs again, burying his face in your neck. In all the years you’ve known each other, you never imagined you’d end up like this. You spread your thighs wider, allowing Mark to run his cock on your slit. When he brushes your clit, you curse, throwing your head back on the mattress. 

“M-Mark,” your voice is husky, and he raises his head to observe you, “now.” 

“Now?” He repeats, astounded, completely lost. You nod, fighting back many shivers. “But–”

“Now, or…” Your words turn to a gasp when he rolls his hips again, making you see all the stars of the milky way behind your shut eyelids. Now. You reach between your legs, aligning him to your entrance. In your palm, his cock is already wet from your juices. You’ve never been this turned on, your skin is tingling everywhere. “I-I can’t.”

Mark smiles, dropping to peck your lips. “Take our time another time?” You nod in a hurry and he chuckles, pressing you into the mattress. His tip enters your core languidly. “Okay, but only because you want me too much…” Mark finally agrees a little bit too smug for your usual taste.

Right now, you don’t find it in yourself to care. All your attention is on your bodies merging slowly. You stretch deliciously around his length as he sinks in. Despite what you requested, Mark is still taking his time. You give in to your impatience, reaching for his hips. Guiding him to you, you pull until he’s completely inside, pressed against your body. It’s amazing.

Mark is inside you, throbbing. You both lay there for a few heartbeats, revelling in this overwhelming sensation of proximity. Never has intimacy felt that great in the history of the world. You’re sure of it. You want to express this to him, and you lack the words, but one silent exchange seems enough for him to get everything. After a moment, Mark pulls away slightly to better slam back in, and you squeal in glee. Oh, shit. He’s done taking his time. He finds a rhythm quickly, hips meeting yours roughly. You raise your pelvis to help, body bouncing on the mattress with every thrust. It is loud, your apartment fills with filthy moans, sounds, and the creaking of your bed.

“I…” Mark grunts, brows sweaty from the strain. You reach for the headboard to push against him, you want more. “I w-won’t…”

Knowing what he means, you slide your calves up against his ribs, letting him hit a better angle. It’s deeper and rougher. If he won’t last long that’s fine. You couldn’t bear this tempo much longer either. He raises on his hands to allow you to raise your knees even higher on your chest. Your pelvis is now perfectly curved. When he slams in this time, he reaches that spot you wanted him too. 

“Oh f-fuck,” you gasp and your legs begin to shake, “M-Mark…” You cry when he hits it again, fervour renewed by your vocal reaction. “Shit shit shit.” 

Curses fall of your mouth, mixed with an incessant flow of praises. It’s so incredible you’re not there anymore, lost for good, away with the fairies. Mark doesn’t falter once he’s found what goes for you. He manages to stay in control long enough for you to break. You come so hard you stop making sounds altogether, almost going blind at the high of it. When you slowly return to your body, Mark is also done. His hips lag, and he empties himself inside you with triumphant last thrusts. 

Both of you are completely spent. Shattered, Mark falls next to you, sweaty and breath unstable. It takes a few minutes for you to muster enough will to move, but when you do, he’s pleased to welcome you on his chest. A sheep stargazing, you see it now. On him, your mark is way cuter somehow.

“Was it…” Mark trails off, after a while, hesitating. “Did you…” 

Your index tracing his Soulmark stills. Is he serious? You don’t get much more vocal than that. Besides, you can still feel the remnants of your orgasm down in the soles of your damned feet. It was crazy strong. 

You hesitate too before remembering Mark is also your friend. You can be honest with him. “Like a Tsunami,” you confess, “I’m deceased.”

Mark laughs proudly, pulling you closer. “Ha, me too…” He seems to ponder on something for a minute, letting a comfortable silence fall behind you. “I guess Jackson can shut up about us now. He wanted me to date you, even without our marks matching. He couldn’t–” 

“Oh. Shit.”

“What?” Mark frowns, confused by your interruption. “He’s just like that, you know? He cares, and he wanted me to be happy, even if it wasn’t with my Soulmate. But clearly, you’re It.”

“Jackson.” You repeat like a fatality, but still, he doesn’t seem to get it. “Cece. Their presentation.” 

“Holy shit!” Mark suddenly stands, probing around the room to gather his clothes. “We’re so late! They’ve been working on this for a year!” You can’t help but laugh, unable to be stressed when you’re in post-coital delight. As soon as you’re next to him, Mark pulls you into him for a back hug. He wraps his arms around you, kissing your elbow before whispering in your ear: “I bet you won’t laugh when they send Terminator to exterminate us.” This doesn’t tone down your amusement at all. “Ok, now… More clothes, less fun!”

“Take our time another time?” You ask, quoting him back as you pick up your underwear.

Mark snorts, “I have all the time in the world now that I have found you…”

GOT7 | M.list

[olionheartedgirlo]

I Will Possess Your Heart / Part 10

Well well well...my first foray into writing in almost 4 years? Glad to be back I think. I hope I haven’t lost my touch.

Enjoy everyone!

----------

“You want me to teach you how to be human?” You echoed, your brow furrowing as you pulled away to look at his whole face.

“Yes.”

“But why?”

“The humans I am doing business with are not very trusting of me and I believe that if I adopt some traits that are familiar to them they will let their guards down.” Sehun brushed a strand of hair out of your face absentmindedly, his eyes glossy with a far away look.

“Sehun.” You tried to draw his attention back to you, unsuccessfully. “Sehun,” You turn his face towards you. “It’s not a big deal. I will help you.”

“Thank you.” He lightly brushes his lips over your cheek again, sending a wave of tingles through your body.

“This is the perfect time for the first lesson then.” You got up, grabbing his hand awkwardly to stand him up beside you.

“Already?”

“Yes, already.” You sigh and he stares at you. You do it again trying to get him to understand. “Sehun, you need to sigh. When you’re exasperated, tired, relieved. There is literally almost no situation where sighing doesn’t make you look human.”

“Just a sigh?” He cocks his eyebrow.

“If you’re doubting my expertise you can find a new teacher.” You say, feigning curtness, you start to turn towards the door.

“No wait.” Sehun grabs your wrist to keep you near him. His grip on you is strong, it doesn’t hurt but it makes you feel a certain way you can’t put your finger on.

Fear?

His eyes are dark, nearly completely black when you look up at him. Only for a moment though and after that moment is gone it is like it never happened, but the feeling lingered subtly.

He stands straight, hands at his sides and takes a breath in, letting it out in a funny, exaggerated manner. When you don’t say anything he does it again. You have spent so much time around vampires for the last 500 years that you didn’t realize how accustomed you were to people not moving. Yes, your family all worked at maintaining their natural human traits to blend in with society, but very few vampires felt the same way, leaving you to be the odd one out.

“No, no, stop.” You shake your hands in front of you to exaggerate your need for him to stop. “That doesn’t look natural at all. You don’t have to take in air like you are going to blow up a balloon. See, just like this,” You take in a light breath through your nose, smelling Sehun’s cologne in the process. “Just a little bit.”

Sehun’s eyes flashed again, startling you.

“Maybe that’s enough for tonight.” You say, taking a step back. “You’re probably tired from traveling so much. You should rest.” He clears his throat, subconsciously testing out another human trait.

“I suppose you are right.” He agrees hesitantly. “I may lay down for an hour or so.”

“Have a good rest, Sehun.”

He walks you to the door of his room and you take in the carvings the oak, avoiding eye contact.

“________,” He steps in front of you, practically forcing you to look at him. “Goodnight.”

Sehun leans down to give you a kiss, but as he is about to touch his lips to yours you turn your head, his lips catching the corner of your mouth.

“I’ll see you later.” You slip around him.

Once you were outside of his room alone you felt like you could finally think straight, although you didn’t know what exactly to think about what happened in Sehun’s room. You really thought that things would be different. But nothing was different. He was still hot and cold and you had no idea why.

Why did he want you to come on this trip with him?

Maybe you shouldn’t go with him.

———

An hour turned out to be a day. You didn’t see Sehun again until the next day, and to pass the time you had joined Jongin again, pushing your confusion away and trading it for more first person shooter games.

A knock sounded on Jongin’s door and you both looked up in unison. People were vary rarely roaming around the halls this close to noon. Though no one slept for a full 8 hours, everyone seemed to take the day as their alone time, opting to stay in their chambers to rest mentally.  

“Come in.” He grumbled, annoyed at having been interrupted when he was so close to winning. He threw the controller behind him on the bed, cracking his knuckles.

Sehun stepped into the room, his nose wrinkling in disgust as he took in the mess. The boxes the tv and xbox came in where still on the floor, styrofoam and plastic packaging littered around them. Empty blood bags were also around, straws poking out, some had the dried remains of blood on the floor around them. His eyes finally came to settle on you and Jongin sitting together on his bed, the sheets pulled askew, making it look like you were doing more than just playing video games.

“I’ve been looking for you.” He says curtly to me. “Can we talk?”

“Um, sure.” You get up of the bed, handing your controller to Jongin. “Don’t exit out of the game. I’ll be back to kick your butt soon.” You force yourself to laugh, even though the pit of your stomach was feeling like a brick was weighing it down with nerves.

Sehun held the door open for you and you walked past him carefully.

“Clean this place up. It looks fucking disgusting.” He practically spit the words at Jongin and you flinch.

Sehun’s hand goes to your back leading you towards his room. His hand doesn’t feel soft on your back like it did at the party. Today it feels hard, like cement pressing into your lower back, cold and unfeeling.

Once the door is closed behind the two of you he separates himself from you, moving to sit in front of the fireplace.

“Are you going to come with me on my trip?” He asks, the fire’s glow in his eyes mesmerizing you.

“I told you that I would.” You answered cautiously.

“I just want to make sure. My behaviour has been less that ideal and I want to make sure it is what you really want.”

You were starting to get more than just confused now. You were starting to get angry.

“If you know that you have been acting childishly, why don’t you just stop and act like a normal person?” You question sharply. You straightened your shoulders. Sehun is just a person after all. Why shouldn’t you stand tall and question him as you would anyone else? Because you love him? That is all the more reason to question his decisions. His decisions now effect you more than anyone else.

“I don’t know how to stop myself.” He answers simply.

“Well that isn’t good enough.” Your hands are balled into fists at your sides to keep yourself from shaking.”I have waited for weeks for you to come home, while you’ve been all over the place, barely ever speaking to me, and now you’re here and it’s like…this. A disaster.”

He stays quiet, looking down at his shoes.

“What is this Sehun? I told you how I feel and you’ve told me you love me, but this is all just games. And I’m tired of it. You might not think 523 years is enough, but I am tired of being lonely and scared. I want peace and if this isn’t going to be it then I don’t want it. No matter how much I want you. I don’t want it to be like this.” You pause to see if he will speak. He doesn’t. “In case it wasn’t clear, I will not be accompanying you on your trip. And if you can’t figure out what you want and how you want this relation-whatever this is to work I would like to take this time to remind you that I will not stand idly by and watch things happen to me.”

You had to admit that it felt good to get all of that off of your chest. The feeling of all of this being a game even though you have both expressed your feelings was worrying to you.

“I understand.”

“That’s all you have to say? That you understand? How about some kind of explanation?” Your shoulder slouched forward. You felt so defeated by everything. You had only spent a few days actually with Sehun and it seems like most of that time was riddled with confusion and misunderstandings.

Is it really supposed to be this hard?

“I don’t know what else I can say. You are right.” He didn’t move to get up, instead motioning for you to sit with him. “Please sit with me…I’d-I would like to try to explain myself.”

You moved slowly to the sofa, sitting next to him but careful not to touch him.

“I don’t want to make excuses for myself. That isn’t my intention in telling you all of this…” He shifted, running his hand through his hair “I have been struggling significantly with how to go about things. I have been alone for over eight hundred years so this is very new to me. I don’t know how to be with someone, especially someone I care so deeply about. I don’t want to ruin things with you. I don’t think I could live with myself if that were to happen.”

When Sehun was telling you was all very touching. It wasn’t necessarily a surprise, but you didn’t want to play mind games so it was important to you that he tell you the truth.

“Thank you for being honest with me.” You took his hand in yours. Having him becoming more vulnerable with you was finally allowing you to let go of some of your nerves. “I know it’s scary. I’m scared too. I don’t want to mess this up either. But we need to just be normal and show one another our true selves so that we can actually have some kind of relationship. I don’t even know what that is for us.”

Sehun leaned forward, kissing you firmly on the lips. It took you by surprise. This was the first time you felt like he was really kissing you. Everything else had been light and sweet. But this time it felt like so much more than that.

“So…where do we start?” He asked, resting his hand on your knee.

“I have an idea."

———

“I can’t believe you’ve never really watched movies.” You sighed out for the tenth time.

“I have seen some movies.” He retorts defensively. “I know that Jongin must have told you what happened when he first got a television. That situation was enough to make anyone not want to get too attached to a television.”

“But there are so many amazing things to watch. It can be so much more than just a mindless waist of time. Take tonight, for instance, we will use this as an opportunity for some research into how to have a normal relationship.”

“This is silly.” Sehun commented under his breath.

“No it isn’t. I have learned most of what I know about humans today from movies and tv shows and you all think I am human. So, listen to me when I say this is a good idea.”

“Okay, so what do we do? We just sit here and watch?” Sehun moved uncomfortably on the sofa,

“No.” Be bold, you thought. “We are going to watch from the bed.”

“From the bed? But the couch is fine.”

“You wanted to learn to be human right?” You asked. “Think of this as killing two birds with one stone. Now, go get your pyjamas on.”

As Sehun got up, you also went to get ready. You looked through your drawers, trying to find something cute to wear, but nothing seemed right. You settled on a pair of shorts and an oversized t-shirt, after all, he had seen you in that combination before.

When you walked back into his room you closed the door quietly behind you. As you turned the corner you could see him, standing in the large walk in closet, wearing a pair of nicely fitting sweatpants and no shirt. It was the first time you had seen him like that and it took your breath away.

“Hi.” You say, not wanting to feel like you were secretly watching him. “I like your pyjamas.” You smile bashfully, tucking your loose hair behind your ear.

“I am just looking for a shirt to wear.”

“Do you usually wear a shirt to bed?”

“Um-no.” His hand, reaching for the shelf, falls back to his side.

“Just wear what you will be comfortable in. I am.” You tracked his eyes as he took in your appearance, his eyes moving slowly up your bare legs.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure, Sehun.”

You turned, getting the movie ready before walking over to Sehun’s extremely large and lavish bed. When you arrived, you thought that your room was amazingly over the top, but Sehun’s room was on another level and his bed was like the cherry on top. It was impossibly large, with blood red silk sheets and massive down pillows.

You ran you hand over the soft, luscious fabric, grabbing the edge of the blankets to pull them back, aware of Sehun watching you. You sat on the right side of the bed, pulling the blankets back up over you.

“Get in.” You instruct him gently.

You watch him walk over to the other side of the bed, pulling the sheets back in a calculating way before sitting stiffly down.

“So we just sit like this and watch the movie?” He asked.

“Kind of.” You crawl over to him. Sitting so your arms are touching. “We can start like this and get more comfortable as we watch.”

“O-Okay.”

You start the movie, leaning back once the opening credits start, the comfort of something familiar helping you to relax. You lean on Sehun with your full body weight, conflicting feelings of relaxation and excitement waging war inside of you. His smell calmed you, but the sight of him in something other than a suit, sweatpants with no shirt on, lit a fire within you that you weren’t sure if you were ready to act on.

“You are much bolder tonight than you usually are.” He states with a slight smirk on his face. “It is very interesting to see parts of you that I didn’t know existed. But…I guess I should have remembered though. When you were human you were very outspoken.” His head tips back to rest against the headboard. “Why did you change that about yourself?”

Pulling away from him you stiffen, the sound of the movie fading away into the background.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I just meant…Before you were changed you seemed to be so bright. I remember you very clearly at that dance. You were running around with your friends, dancing, laughing loudly, joking with everyone. You were very clearly different, and everyone loved you all the more for it.” He pauses for a moment, treading lightly. “I still see that in you sometimes, when you are reading, or doing things with Jongin, or Chanyeol. But you are never like that with me.”

“I-I’m sorry…It’s hard to be like that with most vampires. A lot of people outside of my family find it threatening that I can act so convincingly. And because of everything that is going on with the war, it just doesn’t feel right to be acting so care free.”

“You don’t have to pretend with me.” He whispers. “I can be fun like Jongin too…I think.”

“Then why don’t you have fun?”

“I know what my parents expect of me. I’m the oldest son and I have to be able to take over for my father.”

“You’re father will be around forever-”

“If something happens to him in this war it will all be on me.”

“You have Jongin, he will help you.”

“He can’t handle it. We’ve tried before…giving him responsibility. He doesn’t deal with it well.” Sehun shakes his head, rubbing his eyes before continuing to speak. “He dealt with so much when we were human and when I was changed and things fell to me, Jongin finally was able to have some freedom.”

“Well, I’d like to show you that you can have some freedom too. I know that you have a lot on your plate with everything and I want to make sure that I can be your escape from that. I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

“You could never be a burden to me.” He’s turned to face you.

You lean in towards Sehun, looking down at his chest before bridging the gap between your lips and his. The kiss was solid and warm, dissolving the doubts you had been carrying with you since you’d arrived at their home. His hand travelled up your arm on it’s way to stroke your cheek.

He pulled away, slowly opening his eyes.

“I would like to learn to have more fun.”

[theexistentiallyqueer]

Sorry to bother, but where do autistic and adhd brains overlap? Because both are neurodivergent (and beautiful, I agree) But how can I find out which behaviour belongs more to me being autistic (got diagnosed this year) and which is adhd? (No Matter What Deadline, after several years in hostile environment (failed university, then call center work) I panic. Hard.) How do I disentangle adhd and autism to find out what strategies to use to function better?

Please don’t feel like you’re being a bother, because you’re not! Honestly the fact that someone is coming to me to ask ADHD questions makes me teary-eyed, because I’ve fought so hard to learn to function with ADHD that people Asking Me Things like I’m a trusted expert just makes my heart grow three sizes, the opposite of the Grinch.

I’m probably not the best person to ask about how ADHD and autism overlap specifically, especially if you’re taking this from an autistic POV. And I’m also not a behavioral expert, which is a very strong preface. But I can (and am very happy to) talk a bit about my experiences with ADHD and how I’ve learned to make things work for my brain.

I’m going to put this under a cut, if that’s okay with you, anon. It got kind of long and I don’t want to overrun anyone’s dash. And you can always, always ask me ADHD questions, and I’ll try my best to answer.

My ADHD tends to manifest specifically in the following ways:

Extreme hyperfixation that has its own varying degrees (e.g., I’m really into Fire Emblem: Three Houses, but I have so lack of interest in Byleth/Claude that my lack of interest feels like an actual void)

An inability to process feelings regarding things other people care strongly about that I don’t. If we’re using the same fandom example: I could rant forever about how Byleth/Edelgard gives me ALL THE FEELS, but if I friend I care about started to talk about Byleth/Claude, I would immediately lose all interest in the conversation and struggle to react in a way that doesn’t present me as a selfish monster who doesn’t care about the person I’m talking to.

I tend to monopolize conversation if I’m given the opportunity because I LOVE getting the chance to talk about my hyperfixations. If someone cuts me off when I’m really into a topic, I get incredibly irritated and have to try to restrain from myself from acting petty in response. The number of times I have smiled my mouth is a knife and said, “ANYWAY, as I WAS SAYING…” is beyond count.

I don’t recognize or remember people until I have something meaningful to associate them with. I also don’t tend to notice things that don’t clock themselves as Important in my brain. I usually describe this as “background furniture.” Even PEOPLE become background furniture. A girl I work with mentioned a person on her team had quit, and I’d literally walked by that person’s desk earlier that day and didn’t notice it was empty, because that person and the entire space they occupied was background scenery.

If something affects or touches me personally, it hits me Very Personally. I had a complete fucking breakdown watching the video of Philando Castille’s shooting, because I heard his daughter crying while she watched him getting shot and went down onto a spiral of personal loss over my own father to gun violence and started to immediately correlate the two. Separating ADHD brainness from my  whiteness is complex and hard and (said sarcastically) so, so much fun.

The direct inverse of that are things like: I’m talking to my mom, who’s telling me about a high school friend of hers just got into a horrific vehicle accident and is in the ICU. My mom then goes on to give me regular status updates on this woman I don’t know. I get out of work, and she talks about this woman’s surgery. I get out of work, and she talks about this woman’s family’s attempt to find an adequate rehab center. They find a rehab center, and my mom shows me how her friend decorated her daughter’s room. My mom shows me a video of the girl working with a physical therapist, who gets her to push herself upright with a walker and take her tentative steps. “Awesome!” my brain thinks. “Great!” my brain thinks. All of it spans over several days, weeks, months. I have nothing to do with this constant influx of information. I don’t know how my brain should file it. I don’t know this woman who was injured. I feel for her in theory because no one should ever have to go through that even though so many people do, but I haven’t ACTIVELY PRETEND like I personally am invested in the situation or else my mother gives me Concerned Eyes because I seem to be In A Bad Mood Today.

When it comes to organization, I tend to lean towards hyper-organization rather than hypo-organization. By which I mean I over-organize to combat the fact that ADHD often results in disorganization, and disorganization results in chaos, and chaos gives me COMPLETE PANIC ATTACKS. At work at one point, I had my emails auto-tagging every incoming email based on the email type, on top of tagging for my clients. Every label had a different color, and it all made sense to me, because I’d made it. When my team had cover my stuff on a day I was out, my inbox was such a horror show that it left them feeling drained and distressed.

Let’s talk about socialization! I have a rocky relationship with my childhood best friend. When I discovered social justice in college, I started picking fights with everyone over everything Problematique. The first major fight I had with my best friend at the time was because she felt I was over-aggressive towards a mutual male friend of ours. She was probably right, because I know the kind of bullying behavior I later developed. I thought I learned from it. After the 2016 election, I messaged her on FB, thinking I had a sympathetic ear, to say that seeing her mother post constant messages of support for Trump and sharing stuff dismissing Trump’s sexual assault allegations was particularly hurtful considering I’d told my friend that my mom had been sexually assaulted.. I’m not going to share what she said, but she wasn’t in the wrong. We didn’t talk for several months after that.

Speaking of her! When she started dating the guy she’s now married to, at one point I asked her if they’d had sex yet. I asked it because I thought it was a thing you were Supposed To Talk About as friends, and also because I was, in a way, morbidly curious, because I’m grey-ace and queer. She confirmed that they had, but I still felt so icky and uncomfortable about that for so long afterwards. It was only after I started to understand that I’m not cis and not allo that I really understood why: I was forcing myself to perform what I thought female friendship was based on how it’s portrayed in media, and it’s only once I began to understand that I’m on the ace spectrum and that I’m nonbinary that I really started to understand how forced mainstream conversations of attraction are.

I’m loud! I’m loud! I’m loud! I’m loud all the time! I live with my mom and I socialize with my mom and when we’re in public spaces and I’m talking about something that interests me, she always, always, always feels like she has to shush me. What makes it ironic? If there are other people being loud around me, I can’t function. I can’t process the noise. It’s EVEN WORSE if they’re speaking in another language, because if it’s English I can process the words at least, but if it’s another language, it’s just pure, inescapable sound that I know has meaning but can’t intuit, and if I can’t understand something, that’s as bad as dying.

From what I’ve read about autism, here are ways I THINK my ADHD traits overlap with autistic traits:

I can’t read facial expressions. I think I have a better concept of emotional nuance in facial expressions than someone who’s strictly autistic, but I’ll still panic when I see a smile that isn’t bland enough. RDS (rejection-sensitive dysphoria) will kick in. They hate me, they hate me, they hate me, is the track my brain will play on repeat until I’ve drunk myself into oblivion. Whenever someone smiles, I mistrust it immediately.

Eye contact is incredibly fucking frustrating. I understand that it’s expected, but it’s SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Why do we need to stare into each other’s eyes to understand one another? How can you people write whole treatises on the sanctity of locking gazes and finding an instant intellectual bond without realizing that eye contact that’s not called for is personally invasive?

I can’t understand flirting vs not flirting to the point that I’m absolutely paranoid someone is flirting with me, at which point I usually become hostile if I think they ARE, because DON’T FLIRT WITH ME. TALK to me!

I hate, hate, hate unsolicited physical contact. If I’m in a state of over-expression, I hate it even more. I’m not physically withdrawn, because I love hugs, and cuddles, and human touch. But when I’ve spent the entire day listening to other people talk and I have to walk into a room where people continue to talk, if someone touches me, it’s fucking No-Oh-One.

Someone is interested in a thing I’m interested in. We’ll use Persona 5 as the concept, because this honestly happened recently. I talk with the guy whose desk is across from mine about Persona 5 all the time. He’s also excited about Royal. I started going into my Sophia theory that I’ve really only lobbied at @softspokensansa. I could see, I could viscerally see, the interest drain from his expression. BUT I HAVE AN IDEA SO I WILL TALK ABOUT IT ANYWAY, and then afterwards I felt incredibly resentful that I was being filtered through a cookie-cutter drain.

It’s painful–it’s really painful!–to try to talk about my spiritual ideas with other people. I have a side blog I just started and am preppy myself to share, and I’m absofuckinglutely TERRIFIED everyone is going to write me off without looking at what I have to say. IT’S THE RSD AGAIN! Nothing I ever said has actually mattered before, so why should it now?

I feel, constantly, like I’m halfway between a point of reality and a point of something. What that something is is indefinable, but regardless of it, I exist.

I’d like to direct you to two very positive youtubers I know; I meant to do this earlier, but now feels right in terms of how I’ve written: How To ADHD and Amethyst Schaber.I credit both of them in helping me find a safe place with ADHD before diagnosis. There are stories other than yours that matter.

I wish you the best, anon! If you think you’re autistic and ADHD: given the comorbidity between the two, you probably are! And ADHD is just as beautiful, complicated, and misunderstood as autism is.

If anyone reading this can speak to living as both autistic and ADHD, please respond so I can lift your voice. And to my anon: you’re beautiful completely. I hope my story has helped you in its anyway, and I hope that you find yourself at a place of peace. It’s a struggle to get there, but it’s worth it, every step of the way.

[sugacoatedfics-blog]

Innocent Love Blooms In The Most Tragic Places

Story Summary;

Yoongi is a wolf hybrid. He is cold and unapproachable. Woe betide anyone who touches what is his. Jimin is a bunny hybrid. He is shy and innocent, always positive. How will the two interact with each other in university where they have been forced to be roommates where no one has ever heard of a predator and prey rooming together?

Tags: possessive behaviour, angst, fluff, hybrid, hybrid traits

Word Count: 2849

Previous | 1 | Next

*****

Jimin brushed his curly, pale yellow hair to the side, deciding on a parting in the middle. He put on his lens free glasses, which had big frames. Additionally, he wore a big black jumper with a rainbow on it, and tight grey jeans with white and black stripped adidas trainers. He hefted a bag over both shoulders, his small and slim frame struggling under the weight as his bunny ears flicked. It was his first day at uni today, and truly, he was nervous. Stepping out of the boy’s bathroom he was in, he tried his best to find his room, in Wing B Floor 3 Room 367. Finally coming onto it, he unlocked it with a key that had a fluffy keyring reassembling his tail attached to it. Home sweet home he thought, setting down his bag. The door from the corridor opened directly into the bedroom. There was a window opposite the door. To each side of the window was a matching oak nightstand and single bed with a navy-blue duvet folded at the end. Past each bed was a desk and a small cupboard. Wardrobes were non-existent as they had underbed storage space. In between the bed and the desk on the left was a plain door which led to the bathroom. The bathroom had a toilet, simple shower, sink and mirror. Two sets of big fluffy and small fluffy towels were laid on the sink. Grinning, the bunny hybrid begun to unpack, choosing the bed on the left side. Yoongi wasn't in much of a rush to move into the new dorms. He'd been taking his time walking through the hallways, his ears flicking at the sound of people's shoes squeaking due to the amount of movement going on. Everyone seemed to be trying to get to their dorms as fast as possible. Yoongi instead just sighed and ran a hand through his black his black hair, he decided to at least make sure he looked presentable to his roommate. Glancing down at his outfit, Yoongi thought that he seemed presentable enough. Black ripped skinny jeans, black boots, and a simple white t-shirt, he looked like the catalogue picture for the word edgy. He continued to walk towards his new room and let out a soft sigh when he reached it. Grabbing his key, he moved to unlock the door, but then realised it had already been opened. He opened the door, a slight hint of surprise when he saw bright blonde hair on the left side of the room.

"Hey" he simply said as he moved to the other side of the room to put down his bag. Jimin’s ears twitched with surprise, his nose following the motion unconsciously. "Hi! I'm Park Jimin but you can call me Jiminine or ChimChim or Jimin." He greeted with a million-watt smile; a hand stretched out to the other in the typical way of greeting. "What's your name?" He continues politely, staring at the taller and most likely (although yet to be confirmed however Jimin did have a sneaking suspicion this was true) elder roommate he had gotten for the semester. He has yet to decipher which hybrid the other is; however, he quickly assumes him to be some sort of prey as predator never ever room with prey. Something about dominance and easy submission being the reason for the matter. Yoongi blinked in surprise at how enthusiastic the seemingly younger boy was. The fact that his roommate was clearly prey also surprised him, maybe there was a mix up in the rooms? He reached his hand out to meet the others greeting. "I'm Yoongi, I don't really mind what you call me." His voice was steady and calm, still confused about his roommate being prey. Yoongi could hear something lightly shift in the room, his ears moving to fund the sound and his eyes quickly following. While searching for the sound Yoongi decided to ask Jimin an obvious question. "Are you... prey?" Jimin blinked, widely, innocently. "Aren't you prey?" He asked the other, answering his question with a another. "I'm a bunny hybrid if you can't tell," he grinned cheekily," but I don't know what you are. No prey hybrid I've met have had such bushy tails or ears." He said curiously, a light and puzzled expression on his cute face. He absent mindlessly stated to bite at his finger nails as he tried to figure out if he has ever seen a prey hybrid with Yoongis features. His own ears twitched as he thought, and his nose scrunched up adorably every time he mentally rejected someone who didn't fit the criteria he set in his mind, his expression becoming more frustrated the longer he thought on it. Yoongi just stared at the other for a minute, blinking as he realized that there was no way they could have been roommates. "I'm a predator." He said with an eyebrow raised, "And I'm a wolf hybrid... fluffy ears are kind of a given" he chuckled as he said this, wondering what the other would think now that he knew that Yoongi was a predator. He stared at the other boy, taking in his features, he was not much smaller than he was, but very clearly had a soft personality. The longer he looked at the other the more he could feel a shift in the atmosphere. Was Jimin afraid of me? Is it really that intimidating to have fluffy ears and a tail? "A wolf? Really really?" He asked, his expression mirroring that of child awe upon discovering something new. He shuffled closer to the other and gently reached a hand up to touch the base of the others fluffy ears with a squeak of delight that had him quickly blushing yet did not deter him from gently running his hand over that same ear. In that moment, our innocent bunny hybrid Jimin forgot fear and uncertainty. His only concern was jealousy that someone had such fluffy ears and he didn't. It was cute really, how childlike he acted, as thought Yoongi was the most fascinating thing he had come across in a while. Suddenly, however the moment ended. Jimin remembered that wolves ate small hybrids like him for breakfast and so he quickly stepped away, a small expression of shock on his face.

Yoongi smiled as the other squeaked with delight as he touched his ears. He had seemed so fascinated by the fact that they were fluffy, he had guessed that Jimin had not been around many predators at all. His thoughts were confirmed as the other stepped back from him, shock written all over his face. He looked almost as if his life was going to come to an end very quickly. "Yes really, and you don't have to be so afraid you know. I don't bite, unless asked to" Yoongi mumbled the very last part, knowing that the other wouldn't be able to hear him. He wanted the other to trust him, they were going to be roommates after all. It wouldn't be good if he got suspended out of fear for the other prey in the building. "Is this building purely for prey?" Yoongi asked, his face full of curiosity.

He shook his head rapidly, expression calmer now than in the beginning. "No, it's a mixed building. I wonder is everyone is predator-prey roommates." He said naively, genuine curiosity on his chubby cheeked face. "Oh! You probably want to unpack. I've just done my clothes but need to take out my study supplies and laptop. Hyung, - wait can I call you Hyung? How old are you? - there's no classes today, but we have some tomorrow. I'm studying hybrid care so I can be a nurse for hybrid children.." he talked a mile a minute, unpacking his laptop - baby blue in colour with cloud and rainbow stickers on it, his study books and arranging them alphabetically on the small shelves, his plan notepads and pens, pencils and other stationary items in a cute cactus pot with googly eyes on it. Yoongi chuckled at how quickly the other was talking, Jimin was very obviously nervous to be around a predator. Yoongi began to unpack his stuff and put them in the correct places before beginning to answer a few of the others questions. "I'm probably older than you if that's what you're wondering, so yes you can call me Hyung." He thought about what the other was studying, if it was for hybrid care then he must really like children. Yoongi was indifferent towards them, he didn't necessarily like them, but he didn't hate them either. "I'm studying criminology, I’m curious as to why there's been a big spike in prey crimes lately." As he spoke it was easy to tell how curious he was. Usually predators had the highest crime rate, but lately prey has had quite a large increase in crimes. Yoongi continued to unpack, making sure that everything was in the correct order "Ah that's so cool! I'm glad to be rooming with such a kind Hyung." Jimin spoke, complimenting the other as he stood on his tiptoes in order to push his last study book guide and textbook into place on the highest shelf. Struggling a little huffed and started to jump with the book outstretched in his short arms tiny fingers holding it tightly as he took blind attempts at getting it on his shelf. When that didn't work, he cursed his small height which was often a given due to the fact he was a prey hybrid, and gently set the book on his study desk before glaring daggers at it not so subtly. Pouting to himself, he went and charged his phone in his bedside table open slave shelf. Yoongi had noticed the other boys struggle and decided to help him. Despite not being extremely tall, he was still tall enough to reach the shelf. He grabbed the books and quickly put them into place before returning to what he was doing. After unpacking his clothing, he placed his backpack next to the bed, reaching in for his laptop. It was a complete contract to that of what the other had. Rather than a baby blue, his computer was a dark red with small hand painted details in black. He quickly turned it on and glanced to the other, giving a small smile to him. Jimin responded with a blinding smile of his own. "Thanks for putting my book up there Hyung. It's so annoying being small isn't it?" He whined, pouting up at the other. He moved towards the desk and switched his laptop on, deciding to be a good student and get his pre-course essay finished in time for class tomorrow. Out of the +25000 words needed he had competed 23500, leaving his with only a few more to type up. If he were to print his essay it would be 10 pages long, double sided and ready to mark. Yoongi chuckled at what the other said, "Being small isn't too bad" he replied. He noticed the other was working on an essay, Yoongi should have probably been doing the same, however he couldn't be bothered to. Instead he loaded up a game on his laptop, his hands moving at a lightning fast pace on order to keep up with it. It was normal for him to spend hours at a time on his laptop, not speaking and not moving anything except for his fingers. After a few hours Jimin finished his essay just as the sun was setting. He spoke to Yoongi every now and then, unaware the boy was in a zone of sorts. He told the other that he was taking a shower. Getting his nightclothes, he stepped in the bathroom and locked the door. He washed his hair and brushed his teeth, fluffing it up before putting on long pyjama bottoms with little pink stars that he tucked into mismatched stripy socks - one Green and blue the other a horrid yellow and red. His chest was covered up a long sleeved plain blue shirt, which completed his pyjamas. Hanging up the used towels, he went over to Yoongi and tapped him gently on the shoulder. Yoongi hadn’t really moved the entire time that Jimin was writing his essay. He would give a small hum every time the other spoke but that was about it. When he felt a light tap on his shoulder, Yoongi jumped slightly. He quickly paused his game before turning to Jimin with a slightly raised eyebrow. “Yes Jimin?” He asked, wondering what the other boy needed. It was only then that he considered how sore his wrists were from the amount of gaming he had done, wondering if he should wrap them before he continued. He then considered that the other looked ready for bed, mismatched socks to top it off as well. Was he keeping the other boy from being able to sleep? "Hyung, you should really get washed now and head to bed. We have class tomorrow." Jimin shyly stammered, unsure if he wasn't crossing some sort of boundary when it came to tell the other to go to bed. He was only concerned for the others well-being though, seeing as it was in his nature to care for everyone as if they were family. "Have you set your alarm yet? I've set mine for 07.00 since classes start at 09.00 and I want to make sure I have time to go to the canteen and eat bre- oh Hyung! Your wrists are so red!" He exclaimed, gently grabbing a wrist and holding it to his face. It was so close, Yoongi could feel his breath on it as Jimin examined it. "Get washed Hyung, and I'll bandage them for you." He said, ears and nose and tail twitching with pride as he thought about doing that for his Hyung. Yoongi simply nodded as he took in everything that the boy was saying to him. He set his laptop aside before telling the boy, “I’ll go get washed up first then” before grabbing his clothes and making his way towards the bathroom. Something that he should have asked the other first, was if they were comfortable with him sleeping shirtless. It was just so much more comfortable for him that way, so hopefully the other didn’t mind. As he finished washing up, Yoongi walked out of the bathroom in a pair of black sweatpants and he was shirtless. He looked up slightly and made eye contact with the boy, giving a slight smile as he made his was back over to his side of the room. He had begun to debate if he should sleep or keep playing. Jimin yelped and flushed red when he spotted the other shirtless. He very nearly dropped the pot of cream and roll of bandages he was holding. Clearing his throat, he sternly (or at least as sternly as a cute bunny could) forbid him from playing anymore and demanded to see the other hands. Sitting on his bed with him, he took the others wrists gently and massaged the cream into them, it feeling cold in contrast to Jimin’s soft and warm hands. Once he finished that, he gently put bandages around them, and shot his Hyung a pride filled smile. Yoongi grinned at the others behaviour, he ruffled the others hair, it was much softer than he would have thought. “I’m always a scary predator, especially when I don’t sleep.” He said giving the other a smirk and ushering him to his bed. “You need to sleep, and I’ll sleep some too.” Yoongi said, half speaking the truth. It’s true that he would sleep a little, he just never said when it would happen. As he walked back to him bed, he is waiting for the other to fall asleep. To take good measure he waited about an hour before going back onto his computer, only this time he wasn’t playing, he was working. Jimin groaned and turned in his sleep. He had slept for a couple of hours, tossing and turning, the light sounds of Yoongi working keeping him awake. The half-awake bunny crawled out from his comfy covers and shuffled sleepily towards the elder, draping himself over the back of his chair and hiding his face in the others neck, forgetting Yoongi is a predator. "Hyung~ you have to sleep now!' He insisted sleepily, barely mumbling due to his tiredness Yoongi stiffened at the sides contact made by the bother. Granted Jimin was right, he should at least get a little sleep, even if it was only for a few minutes. Yoongi chuckled and stood up, he began to guide the other back to bed before saying a small, "I will, I'm sorry for keeping you awake" and made his way into bed, only to lay there without ever actually falling asleep. The only sounds made in the room were the sounds of a faint tick of a wall clock.

[undiagnosedautismfeels]

Not A Feel / Questions

- Any recommendations for weighted plushies and stim toys that aren’t marketed towards 5 year olds? I really wanna ask my dad if I can order some but I’m embarrassed to direct him to most of the sites that are like “buy this to help your child *shows pic of little kids*” -💙🧚‍♂️

anyone got recs?

- Could it be an autism thing to be obsessive about your body?

That’s pretty vague so I’m not entirely sure what you mean.

- Hi, I just wanted to ask a question. I'm 15 and I've slowly began seeing some similarities in me and autistic characters in TV. I'm not entirely sure on what I should do. I've taken a few self tests and I've gotten scores that suggest I may be autistic or be on the spectrum. I just don't know what to do now.

It’s really up to you. You can either self diagnose and go about your life, or you can try to get a diagnosis and then go about your life.

- I've been doing a lot of research and I'm starting to think I'm autistic (or at least have some traits), but my mom says that I'd have to have expressed these traits all my life. Only thing is, I have. I just never said anything and I didn't express them as strongly as my autistic sister (I hid my quirks). It would explain a lot of who I am and why. My problem is I go nonverbal. I can't think of the words to say and even when I do they don't come out right. So how do I tell her how I feel?

Idk dude it’s really difficult to give advice for these kinds of situations bc I don’t know you, I don’t know your mum, and I have no idea what the culture around autism is where you live. Anyone else got ideas?

- does anyone else scratch to the point of scabbing and roughing up skin? the backs of my hands are bumpy from continuous scratching. my chest too. i scratch from the smallest tickle or itch, or when im stressed and thinking too much. i bought gauze today, hopefully it works. any tips? (i doubt i can teach myself not to scratch. its something ive been doing since i was a child. but just realized its not normal)

That sounds like dermatillomania which is a body-focused repetitive behaviour disorder (bfrb) and is quite common with autism.

- I recently learned that many autistic people have trouble with hand-eye -coordination. Could it be that my trouble with holding pens, forks and spoons and knives and literally anything else the 'correct way' be connected to that?

Sounds like it. We tend to do certain actions differently

[invisible-ties]

hihi!💗 so i’ve noticed that you like alphonse a lot, and i really want to like him too. but my issue is that he just seems kinda.. flat. like he doesn’t really have unique and interesting motivations, like the other characters do. he just kind of seems “nice” or “good”, rather than multi-dimensional and complex like people are supposed to be, you know? since you like him, can you prove me wrong? do you have any headcanons about him? why does everyone like him so much? sorry if i sound rude!!😖

 Hi, there! 

No, you don’t sound rude. Don’t worry. I was actually thinking about doing a full research on Alfonse because my Alfonse crush has been getting more intense lately and I want to know more about my boy and understand him better too. Because it’s been so long since I’ve played the story mode I really wanted to read a script and do a full character analysis at some point - so, I guess now is a good time too. :D

As this turned out to be quite long (and when I say long I mean almost 5000 words long), the rest is under the cut. All the main points are summarized at the end so if reading long analyses is not your thing you can go by with just the introduction and summary at the end (but that means taking my word for it and I might be wrong).

Disclaimer: English is not my first language and no matter how much time I spent on polishing this, language can get weird sometimes. Please, bear with me. I also think it gets better later in the post. The beginning is weird and I don’t like it but I’ve spent too much time on this already.

Post breakdown: first I address the ask, then I start with the analysis of Alfonse as a prince and how that shaped him and his personality, then I move on to some random facts I picked up, and end everything with addressing the popular ‘trust issues’ trope and the analysis of his relationship with Zacharias and Summoner. All is rounded up by a summary and some last words.

Okay, so first of all, Alfonse clicked with me the moment I met him mostly because of aesthetic reasons - his design was on point with my tastes I guess, and I will be as shallow as one can be with liking fictional characters based on appearance first. Nothing in his personality gave me a reason to dislike him so he stayed as a new fav. Also, developers wrote him kind of fan-servicey in a way that he is really attentive to Summoner and there is loads of super cute stuff he says to you too. More on that later.

As for his multi-dimensionality, there are many facts about him that make him more than just “nice” and “good”, although he is definitely that too. I can’t dislike that. I prefer good people and I will always like kind characters because I like positive personalities in real people. Of course, you can’t expect of all the characters to be made perfectly complex, especially if you work with just short dialogues that are more focused on the plot. Keep in mind that there are no support conversations in this game where we usually find out more about the characters’ past and traits unrelated to the plot conflict that is currently going on. So, even though I agree new siblings could be developed more I am also aware of the limitations this type of game imposes on the characterisation of new characters. For the amount of characterisation fe:h allows, I would say he’s been done justice. I would even say he’s got more characterisation than Sharena, who is just portrayed as being cheerful, outgoing and loves making friends with everyone (nothing bad with that, I love Sharena too and those are likeable characteristics in people). I will be mentioning Sharena a couple of times but it’s important to note that I haven’t been paying attention to her as much as I have to Alfonse so I might have missed something.

Now that we’re done with the introduction let’s start talking about Alfonse. I collected all this information from story dialogue and paralogue maps scripts from feheroes.gamepedia, as well as from the fe wikia character quotes.  If you read chapter scripts and his Castle quotes you can pick up quite a few things about him.

He is the crown prince of Askr, and one to bear the responsibility of royalty on his back. It is mentioned both in Book II, Chapter 4, and one of his Home quotes that many were against a prince being so hands-on and joining the fight in the way he and Sharena did. Their father even stopped talking to him. This isn’t mentioned anywhere for Sharena and implies that greater responsibility was expected from him and that as a crown prince he has more expectations to live up to. Still, he chose to fight for his kingdom over staying in his father grace - that’s how much he cares about what he considers morally right. Furthermore, in his lv 40 confession, he mentions that as a prince he needs to be strong and avoid exposing himself to emotions that might result in him being hurt. This could point to his behaviour being shaped by the expectations that are put on him as a crown prince, which indicates his strong sense of responsibility towards his duty. I mean, you can argue that being driven by one’s duty to others is unhealthy or something, but I would always pause and say that this is a crown-prince we’re talking about. Being born into a royal family and being a crown prince is unfortunate in that one should always be selfless and act for the benefit of your nation in mind. This is not a “normal”, common person who can allow himself act for his own good because the crown bears a tremendous responsibility to the people, and everything royalty does should be for the benefit of their kingdom. It’s not fair to the person itself but if the ruler is not acting like that then they are not a good ruler. I can see Alfonse as being someone who understands this and tries to act (trains himself to act) accordingly. He accepts his role and takes it seriously - something I would also interpret as a sign of maturity. This might not be “unique” or “interesting” but for the role he has in that world, I would say this is reasonable and acceptable as a circumstance that has shaped him. He is also presented as the more responsible and serious one of the siblings, “the reasonable one” and “the voice of reason” who puts breaks on Sharena���s impulsive reactions and brings her down to earth (e.g. Book I - Prologue, Part 2). A funny moment in the LA Paralogue where he says “today’s youth” actually shows us that he is taking himself really seriously and doesn’t even allow him to think of himself as a regular young person - that is a luxury he cannot afford. Sharena’s reaction “ Not this conversation again… “ could potentially support the hypothesis that this is indeed true and that he indeed regularly acts like this. I could have misinterpreted something here because I can’t say what she wanted to say here:” You do realize that, today, you- No, never mind. “. Was this last word supposed to be ‘you’ or ‘youth’? I also can’t tell what she wanted to say before stopping herself, and it could affect the interpretation of her “not this conversation again” sentence. But no matter how much we joke about this detachment from people of his age, it’s actually quite sad. Sharena doesn’t have problems with this apparently, and I have enough reasons to believe she was not brought up in the same way as Alfonse was and was probably spared of royal responsibilities to some degree which is why she can afford to behave more cheerful and relaxed. But on the other hand, these children had some fucked-up childhood which is revealed in one of Sharena’s Home quotes where Sharena mentions OFTEN sending letters to her mother because they don’t get to see each other enough, even though they all live in the same castle. Their main way of communicating is via letters! With her own mother! I couldn’t dig up more on this and I don’t want to start with pure speculations but something weird is going on here.

Back to Alfonse - even though he acts all serious, when his kingdom, his people, or people dear to him are involved, he can get pretty passionate and impulsive too (e.g. Book I - Prologue, Part 1 - here he is also clear on what he thinks about conquering other worlds and enslaving heroes; Prologue, Part 3 - to Veronica: “And I will personally never forget this violation of my kingdom!”; Chapter 9, Part 4; Chapter 12, Part 1; anything concerning Zacharias basically - but that will be covered in more detail below). When he gets like this he doesn’t mind his language as usual, so he swears and becomes really direct in confrontations (*cough* Chrom mood *cough*). When he’s mad, you can really see that he is mad. This and all his emotional bursts actually show that he is not all brain and cold reasoning, but he might be acting like that because he was brought up to be more careful and responsible. 

His royal posture is the most easily seen when he confronts enemies and demands answers from them (e.g. see Book I - Prologue, Part 1; Chapter 9, Part 4; Chapter 13, Part 1). Sharena doesn’t do this. 

I believe Alfonse is truly a good prince. He is really loyal to his people and deeply cares about Askr - you might see this as boring, but you can’t have a good ruler without that and every lord in FE should be like this to be a candidate for a ‘my fav’ position [see Book I, Prologue, Part 3; but also, more evidence for this claim will be mentioned in some specific instances below]. In Book II, Chapter 3 he is shown as worrying about the townspeople and wanting to help them rebuild the town. Upon leaving he asks for signal hay in case the need to signal the people to run away, and even if at first it seems he abandons his people to proceed with their mission it is shown that he did care, and was in fact thinking in advance. He also shows his genuine kindness in multiple instances, e.g. when he insists on helping Fjorm after the Order finds her unconscious.

I would also say that he actually despises battling and cruelty. There were instances where he calls war “brutal” [Book I, Prologue, Part 3], war cruelty “despicable” [Book II, Chapter 3, Part 1], and tries to resolve a situation by conversation rather than fighting [Book I - Prologue, Part 2].  In the New Year Paralogue [Paralogue 17, Part 13] when Order of Heroes visits a shrine and prays for something in the new year, he wishes for world peace. This leaves Sharena proclaiming that he always goes with the perfect answer. Why would this be bad and boring? We need more people like this, especially males. Imagine if all people in power were like this.

A random fact that I’ve realized upon systematic reading is that he is presented as being the most knowledgeable one in the Order of Heroes, familiar with most legends, prophecies and historical facts about kingdoms. There are some instances where Anna is the one to bring exposition, and Sharena did it in LA Paralogue, but it is mostly Alfonse who does it [e.g. Book I - Chapter 9, part 5; Paralogue 4, Part 1; Paralogue 16, Part 1: I realised that I wasn’t taking note of all instances to support this claim, which I regret now but I am not going through the whole script again]. Whether this has more to do with more attention being given to his education considering him being the heir to the throne or he is just keener on collecting knowledge on his own is not said (as far as I could pick up at least). He does say this in one of his Home quotes: “Someday we should visit the library together. There’s much information on the Heroes of other worlds.” which does imply that he visits libraries often. Again, this is not exactly evidence in favour of any of those, but as he invites you to the library it can be said that he actually enjoys learning new stuff. In Paralogue 16, Sharena cuts him off while he is telling a legend about the origin of giving gifts on Christmas which ends up in Alfonse sounding really disappointed for being interrupted. This could be taken as a hint that he actually enjoys stories and likes passing them down/telling them. So adorable.

Okay, now is the time to address the most recognizable of his traits and the one that is brought up the most – his trust issues and problems with opening up to other people. This is actually the juicier part, but surprise surprise, it can be traced back to his royal role. 

“Sharena: Two of my best friends are Heroes! That’s why they stay with us. I only wish I had more friends like them.Alfonse: I’ve told you before, Sharena. Heroes are not friends. Only our allies. Don’t get close to them.Sharena: Oh, you. Don’t be prickly. You think that only because you were once very close to a Hero. And THAT one left to go home.Alfonse: Enough, Sharena.” [Book I, Chapter 2, Part 5]

To put things in a perspective: the royalty of Askr and Emblia have power to open and close gates to the other worlds, respectively. Veronica’s father started a war with Askr, stopped closing the opened gates and started enslaving heroes. After he died, Embla declared that the war is over, but Veronica continued his legacy after a while [Chapter 9]. I didn’t stumble upon any mention of the actual years to help us with a timeline, so we don’t know when Veronica’s father started a war nor how long the peace after his death lasted. Regardless of weather Alfonse and Sharena were brought up in a time of war or peace, there is a long tradition of siding up with heroes from the other worlds [mentioned in the introduction by Alfonse]. Apparently, Sharena has two “best friends” who are Heroes (although we still don’t know who these people are as they are not mentioned again), and Alfonse apparently got really close to one of the Heroes in the past (maybe he even developed romantic feelings for them – this is my hc :P) but they left the world of Askr and went home. This is not Zacharias, as Zacharias is from their world and they still don’t know at this point that he left them voluntarily, nor that he indeed went home.

Next, Alfonse mentions this in his confession: “The more you have to lose, the worse it hurts when you do. Others may open themselves to such hurt, but as a prince, I must remain strong. It seemed reasonable to keep everyone at a distance.” What I think happened there? Alfonse fell in love for the first time and discovered that other person can be a big weakness to oneself. After they left, Alfonse was really hurt, his royal duties were maybe affected, and I have a reason to think that he’s still not over that and is just repressing this feeling (for example, his reaction to Sharena bringing this up). To prevent this from happening again he shut himself from opening to another person again. Or maybe not necessarily at that point, but after losing Zacharias, and this happening again - definitely. He was hurt again, and it was affecting his performance as a prince. He wouldn’t mention “as a prince” as the reason why he must remain strong if it wasn’t. He takes his role seriously indeed. However, he is also fully aware that closing up to other people like that is not a good solution either. In Paralogue 7, Part 3, after Sharena was tricked by Katarina he says this: “If you don’t trust people, they can’t betray you… And if you don’t trust people, you’ll never make a connection with anybody. Not truly. Sure, you might be hurt. Lied to, tricked, betrayed… Played for a fool. But trust is a beautiful thing. It doesn’t come easily to me, Sharena. But it does for you. That is something special.”. Here he also mentions being lied to, tricked and betrayed. He could be speaking about all the theoretical possibilities, but he could also be speaking from the personal experience. If someone is willing to explore and play around what might have happened with Alfonse’s first love/friendship, there’s a nice fanfic prompt. :P

There is a double and kind of contradicting potential in his words about trust not coming easily to him. I love to think that trust actually does come easily to him (maybe not as easily as to Sharena but still), but he actively blocks it and tries to prevent it from happening to avoid getting hurt. He doesn’t get attached to everyone as Sharena does, but only because he chooses not to, not because that’s in his nature. We could go as far as to say that he so actively shapes this part of him that he is convincing himself and others that this is actually in his nature. Why I think so? We have three instances where he opened up to another person in a relatively short amount of time - that one mysterious person, Zacharias, and Summoner. Alfonse is just an introvert and when he gets attached he gets really attached. If one wasn’t naturally trustful would this be happening so often despite one’s efforts to prevent it? I might be totally wrong and he actually IS naturally untrusting and just those three people somehow managed to gain his trust. Which is again weird, but also, if that was the truth, why was he so fast to trust Bruno (covered below)? Also, it’s not like he doesn’t cooperate with other people - on the contrary. Being in the Order of Heroes and cooperating with all the Heroes even before that shows that he is not repulsed by the idea of cooperation (you need to trust your ally for that). He is not depicted as rejecting everyone and working alone, on the contrary, he is quick to welcome Summoner and Fjorm. Who are you trying to convince that trust doesn’t come naturally to you, Alfonse?! C’mon! He is too well trained in diplomacy and had experience in cooperating with Heroes even before the war with Embla started to actually sound convincing here. He is just careful not to get too close to other people again, which was driven by a certain experience and actually takes effort so you can’t say that it’s natural to him. 

No matter how hard he tries not to open to other people it happens again. He opens to Summoner [from his confession: “I have to confess that I never intended to become friends with you, Summoner. But you’re always there when I need you, to the extent that when you’re not near, I feel…not quite myself. (…) It seemed reasonable to keep everyone at a distance. But you’ve shown me the folly of that. I would have never discovered our fine friendship, had I not welcomed you in. And then what would I be? Less than I am. Now, I can only hope you feel the same. In any case, I swear to keep you safe. You are my trusted partner, Summoner.”]. His fear of losing another person he loves (any kind of love you feel comfortable with) is apparent in a couple of cases. Case 1) Book I, Chapter 6, Part 5 – Battle against Ryoma. Ryoma’s tactic was to separate someone from the Order of Heroes and engage in a single combat with them. It’s not completely clear was he challenging Summoner or Order in general, but after the battle, Alfonse says this: “I have to admit that I was alarmed when he shouted about going into single combat. Thank goodness we were able to work around that wall. We should avoid any attempts to separate us!”. Sharena also brings some angst with lettings us know that they were severely affected by the Zacharias’ disappearance: “Sharena: It was terrible, wasn’t it? Being split up like that, I thought we might never see each other again! And… and… And I never EVER want to go through that again. Not like we did with our friend Zacharias.”. Case 2) Book I, Chapter 10, Part 5 – Veronica closes gates with Summoner still in the other world. After they are all reunited, Alfonse shows how distressed he was: “When I saw you disappear just like Zacharias did, I thought my chest would burst.”. So, yeah. All his efforts turned back on him because now he has Summoner. 

In the end, I would like to just cover some things regarding Zacharias, because the way Alfonse behaves when he’s brought as a topic and the way he behhaves around him as Bruno tell us something about Alfonse. Zacharias and Alfonse are so shippable (whatever kind of ship you want) you’ll see why now. So, after mentioning the Zacharias for the first time (see above) both Alfonse and Sharena started dwelling on his disappearance again, then comes all the exposition [see Book I, Chapter 7, Part 5] and then they decide to go look for him again. After that failure, they become desperate again “Anna: (after scolding Sharena) You too, Alfonse! Wipe that sorry look off your face. What would Zacharias say if he saw this?”. After this, they are confronted by Bruno who leaks them information about Veronica’s next plan which helps the Order of Heroes to stop her from destroying the Summoning ruins. Bruno approaches them again after that (they still don’t know anything about him). Alfonse is the first one to address him and acknowledges that his help was invaluable and proceeds to thank him (my good good, proper and polite boy), but that’s not why Bruno has approached them. Upon hearing that they are still searching for Zacharias he lets them know that their search is futile and that they will never see him again which makes Alfonse extremely emotional and he loses composure showing how much he is still hurt by Zacharias’ disappearance. Short exclamations and questions, arguing with Anna, acting on a whim and behaving irrationally (Anna had to stop him from running after Bruno who is still a complete stranger with unknown motives and could be easily setting up a trap for them), unwillingness to let Bruno go without getting answers out of him… all of that shows how much he is affected by his emotions, even though he tries to bury them and not let them affect who he needs to be as a crown prince. “If he knows anything about Zacharias… But, fine. I’ll follow your command. I only hope that my friend is safe… wherever he is.”.  I love this boy who cares about his friend so much (TuT). The next time Bruno appears before them he’s in his “possessed” state, and our boy, who tries really hard not to trust people and not to get attached, is the one who sees that “(s)omething’s wrong with him”. “It’s like he’s not even the same person.”. Even after trying to kill them, Alfonse doesn’t want to kill Bruno. “You helped us, once. I have no intention of taking your life here.”. Bruno replies with “You’ll live to regret letting me off so easy…”. I can only imagine the realization Alfonse had here – he really was behaving irrationally and was letting his peaceful and nice nature directs his actions. There is no notion of this in the script but considering everything I think he must have heard the echo of these words for a while. Afterwards, Bruno tells them that he was the one who killed Zacharias, which our Order refuses to accept. Alfonse is clear on what they need to do now though, and lets his emotions slip up again: “I… I think we should follow Prince Bruno. We last saw him in the World of Shadows. He may still be there. Only he knows the truth. And if he did kill Zacharias…that is an act I cannot forgive.” This is happening in Chapter 12, and Part 5 is where Alfonse finally decides to avenge his friends (his words) but stops in the middle of the act when Summoner attracts his attention. If we think about this scene being filled with emotions (after all that effort they put into finding him and never giving up on him, Alfonse has to accept that his friend is dead, and his murderer is kneeling before him) the fact that he’s able to stop himself in a middle of such an emotion-fuelled act reminds me of when Robin was able to stop Chrom from rampaging after Emm’s death. Summoner realized that Bruno might be Zacharias, however, they don’t say it directly – Alfonse is the one who actually says that out loud.  Chapter 13, Part 1 is so emotional, which makes me emotional over poor Alfonse. I will not paste the whole script here but look it up if you want. For some reason, they made this face-off only between Alfonse and Zacharias/Bruno. Sharena and Anna don’t jump in at any point, we only see Alfonse’s suffering and dealing with Zacharias’ explanation. Is this just a simplification or was it done on purpose? Hm hm. He doesn’t say much, but his reaction is so genuine – if you imagine this scene you can see him being in so much pain for hearing what is happening with Zacharias… I mean, at least I can. Zacharias even calls out for Alfonse at one point. In Part 5 of the same Chapter, Zacharias asks Alfonse to kill him before his cursed blood consumes him. Alfonse, of course, can’t do that. “I cannot kill a friend. I wish you had told us about this sooner… Why did you wait?”. This is so painful aaaaah, imagine someone you care about fighting their inner demons like this on their own – it breaks my heart, and I imagine Alfonse feeling the same. He is hurt again. Our boy is hurt again by caring for another person. Zacharias vanishes here without anything actually being resolved and the Book II starts after this, so we will definitely see more of this drama. Argh, can’t wait. 

To summarize, Alfonse is a crown-prince of Askr who was probably brought up in a controlled way to be prepared for his future role. He takes his role very seriously, but he is also a kind person who deeply cares about his kingdom and the well-being of people. As a prince, he tries to put his duty above his personal feelings and when the latter started affecting the former, he tries to stop it from happening ever again by not letting himself get attached to other people. Because this goes against his nature he can’t help but start caring about Zacharias and, later, Summoner. He definitely cares about Sharena and Anna too. Even though this was not addressed in canon yet, everything else tells us that this is to be expected. I wonder if some of them will get in danger in the future and trigger that common Alfonse’s reaction again. He is well-educated and loves reading, learning new stories and passing them down. Whenever he is not under the influence of emotions he is being very serious and rational and acts like a true royal when facing enemies. Alfonse is an introverted bby that loves to spend time reading in a library, needs a lot of time to warm up to people, but when he does, oh boy, he’s so attached to them that losing them is really painful. Guess what, Summoner? Alfonse found you worthy of imprinting on and there is no escape now.

I can’t speak for other people and why they like Alfonse, but I have developed a crush on him because of his design and all the nice attention he gives to Summoner. He goes on patrols with you to make sure nothing happens to you (“’ll be glad to go on patrol with you. Some get lost around here. So, really, it’s best I keep an eye on you.“), invites you to hang around in the library while learning about things (I’m a scholar, so this appeals to me), is interested in the world you’re coming from and wants to visit your world with you (see his tap quotes; arghh he’s so curious and wants to know more about you aaaah my tiny heart), begs you to stay with them [Chapter 9, Part 5] and not to leave without warning him first (“Promise you’ll never leave us… without warning me first.”), he continuously acknowledges your help (“I deeply appreciate your help, Summoner.”, “All of this is thanks to you, Summoner.”, “"We are fortunate to have you with us, I can’t imagine a better summoner.”) he mentions feeling like his chests bursting when you got separated by Veronica, and he is quick to react to Summoner’s voice [Chapter 12, Part 5]. And let’s not forget him inviting you to a romantic stroll in the snowy night [Paralogue 16, Part 3]. To top everything, here’s his lv 40 confession in full, because it’s just to heart-melting and I couldn’t pass including it in full: “I have to confess that I never intended to become friends with you, Summoner. But you’re always there when I need you, to the extent that when you’re not near, I feel…not quite myself. It’s a delicate position to be in. The more you have to lose, the worse it hurts when you do. Others may open themselves to such hurt, but as a prince, I must remain strong. It seemed reasonable to keep everyone at a distance. But you’ve shown me the folly of that. I would have never discovered our fine friendship, had I not welcomed you in. And then what would I be? Less than I am. Now, I can only hope you feel the same. In any case, I swear to keep you safe. You’re my trusted partner, Summoner.”

Have some nice summary quotes for the end:

“I’m striving to be an excellent prince, and to master the use of Heroes.”

“My greatest wish is to see our realm at peace, and our people happy again.”

“Promise you’ll never leave us… without warning me first.”

“I’m glad to have you here, but someday, I’d like to open the way to your world… We could go together.”

Congratulations! You have survived reading through all of this (or scrolling if you’re on a phone - I am so sorry). You deserve to rest your eyes now on this blessing that Fire Emblem gave us a year ago. A truly blessed smile.

[funniestsimpalive]

I miss having the excitement I had when I find out about hunter x hunter

Back then I really read tons and tons about it, I watched so many videos about the series, I feel the show is literally something of my own, like it’s so familiar to me? Idk I really wanna read it cause it’s more than a year since I watched it for the first time

But honestly lately I’ve been craving for finally finishing a book I’ve tried to finish for years, it’s called steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse, idk why but lately I’ve been thinking about that book...

Also, for now I’ve been listening “the interlude that never ends” by xxxtentacion

And it’s so good

Also I got my car this week and i barely use it, but today I showed it to a close friend of mine, and he drove it and idk it was cool, to me isn’t that much cause I for a long time had been wanting a car, and now it just feels too late for it, like it was just time so isn’t as exciting, I feel like If I make it a big deal and tell other friends they’ll be like oh really until now you have a car, good for you I guess..

And honestly I sometimes, idk, like I know I complain over anything 😭 but it’s so nonsense to me sometimes saying x or z thing about anything nice about someone, or telling a story that makes me look foolish or goofy even if it could be fun talking about it, cause I feel people is obviously comparing themselves all the time it’s inevitable, like it’s natural, but I guess u lift up their egos and they see me as dumb,, then annoying for being distracted or dumb or whatever picture they have of myself, and it’s my problem cause at the end of the day I let them and bring them the info to think that way basically...and it’s a problem cause I’ve realized they even don’t respect me or if I do something wrong they keep track of it and idk like even make comments about me being bad at something or whatever but it’s weird cause it’s not the same case with other people in the room:( like idc but it’s annoying knowing they keep track when I make a mistake and like remember it, and it seems as they have it easier to tell me bullshit or remember me or talk about when I make a mistake 😭🤣🤣 idk lol

Maybe I should put more limits

But it’s so boring, to me

Like i don’t even know why, it’s just boring to me, like am not talking about avoiding being polite, it’s boring to me knowing ppl will see me and talk to me and think what I let them see and how I behave it’s all of me... and judge me based on that, its just dumb to me, to know that few information and think you have an idea of someone,, like its funny how dumb that is lmao, it’s hard for me to explain it, but it seems like I am just talking to someone who don’t see or think there’s always more to know about someone, like it’s so easy to feed them up with any behavior I could be having OR pretending to have, that’s basically what amazes me, how could you be so relaxed barely knowing shit about someone you judged as little or less than you🤣😭 like, so this people don’t think they literally could be wrong? Lmao or that people lie? Jajajahahaja it feels to me (and it sounds awful) but like talking to someone brainless, or talkin to the wall.

I guess the fact that, that bores me could be talking about I just simply have a huge ego, and a seek for looking to know people intimately, and that i want to think it’s not bad at all, but it’s weird and (also could be a sign about ego) but it’s just too hard to have that behavior with everyone, and it leads to many misunderstoods,, and it’s basically problematic

And it’s so true cause I’ve had problems just for that😭 but basically I don’t care it’s too boring to me having that much of limits with people, like what’s the point then... I couldn’t be that selfish to feel okay barely having an idea of them... its like I don’t even know them I only know my perception of them🤣 I’d be coexisting with a mirror basically, it’s just sad to me idk.. feeling as I barely know them... like i came to the conclusion that seeking to know people by who they really are, it just leads me to find their worst behaviors and personality traits and that’s why I end up having problems... cause I am probably not the best prepared person for that... but I’ve always thought that covering up people bad behaviors just to get along (and I’ll basically get an advantage of the relationship) it’s like having no soul, 😐 it’s seriously more important your confort and stability than literally seeing someone’s disgusting behaviours (and for now am thinking about misogyny, but also being rude af/ sarcastic or projecting themselves and being cruel with others, just cause it was acceptable when someone else did it to them) and it really makes me sad people don’t give a fuck lmao maybe am too weird and unwise but it’s just wrong when people get along with that😭😭😭😭?? Nonsense to me I don’t give a fuck if I get into trouble just for preferring to know shit about people so I know what am dealing with in reality than just sweepin shit under the mat to have a good time or just get along 🙁 like

Whats the purpose then. And what the fuck is gonna happen with the person being made less or offended ??🙁 like there’s people without selfesteem, there’s definitely people who simply cannot deal with having someone being mean and projecting and being basically a fuckin hater

Ugh idk why I expanded so much about this it’s just something I never spoke about I think am gonna get therapy

[theatricalplacenta]

First of all, to you, as someone who presumably does not ship KatsuDeku, I’d like to thank you for coming to my ask box with a calm and respectful question rather than wagging fingers and yelling about how the pairing is disgusting and anyone that ships it is filth; or saying things that people who hate Katsuki and Izuku paired together usually use as an example as to why Katsuki is a pretty terrible person and why they should never be together. So, before I answer your question, i really need to say thank you. 

Without any more delay, let’s delve into this! And please, just bare with me, I have a point to all this. Their relationship was indeed abusive growing up, and anyone that can’t see it is either blind, or chooses to be blissfully ignorant. It was a textbook case of bullying, and first I want to say, that by “shipping” the two of them, that I in no way condone treating another human being like absolute dirt. With that being said, Katsuki is a strange character. Too many see him as nothing but blind rage, anger, and (in my opinion) his most dangerous personality trait, pride. Izuku was a very young boy when Katsuki began bullying him, and our small green son said himself that once Katsuki had gotten his quirk he began to change. I’m not excusing his behaviour, but Katsuki, as an impressionable child (as most are), with his drive and determination to be the best, was encouraged by absolutely everyone, and denied by no one. They didn’t just whisper that he was meant for greatness, they loudly exclaimed it, shouted it, and ingrained it into his head. He was told that he would be simply amazing because of his quirk, and then izuku, who didn't have one, matched his fiery spirit all the way, despite HIM being the best. A childs psyche is easily fucked with. This kid sat there with heavy expectations, and hopes and dreams on his shoulders. He was told he was amazing by everyone, so it must be true right? He treated Izuku badly all because he was quirkless, but no one stopped him from behaving in such a way, despite it being quite obvious as to what he was doing (Katsuki isn’t known for being quiet), so he couldn’t have been doing anything too bad right? All that pressure, self doubt, fear of failure, insecurity, and self loathing when he couldn’t reach the top comes with those societal expectations and borderline demands. It all builds up inside and it’s been showing in the recent chapters. His treatment of Izuku... I don’t think Katsuki is as apathetic to Izuku’s suffering as he lets on. Katsuki’s anxiety about his own abilities was never Izuku’s fault, but he saw him as a hurdle to climb over, simply because he unknowingly regarded him as someone who was on par with him, quirk or no. Izuku always met him every step of the way in exuberance, dedication, perseverance despite not being as “amazing” as he is, and infuriatingly enough, beat him when it came to bravery. If Izuku really was no more than a pebble to him, Katsuki wouldn’t have cared so much about building himself up in comparison, and would have simply dismissed him as another side character, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Izuku endured years of bullying, both emotional and physical mistreatment from Katsuki, yet this blindingly upbeat, and downright Heroic boy has this amazing gift to see the good there is in a person. He can read a person, and see their pain, and tries to obliterate it with his words. As an example, for Shouto, Izuku saw that he was suffering, and used the only power he had from the start to try and save him; the power of speech and his belief in peoples inner strength (or something equally as MC protag-ish). I think that's what he's been trying to do with Katsuki from the start. I personally believe that Katsuki perhaps knows that, and sees Izuku pointing out these things to him, or admiring them, as him dragging out and mocking what he sees as weakness in himself. Not that ‘being amazing’ is a weakness, but the fact that Izuku sees him, like his front of fury is so transparent that he could stick his hand through his chest, is like he’s being made out to be a fool. Heros are supposed to be strong, show no fear, and unquestionably courageous. Izuku has beat him in every respect as Katsuki sees it now, yet Izuku’s still there, praising him, and ‘making fun of him’. Katsuki has never needed any real encouragement, as he’s always been at the top. It was just expected respects and due praise to him. He probably has no idea what it means to have someone really believe in him. He was supposed to be the one to make it big, yet there’s “Deku”, crushing not just his dreams, but making the voices of everyone around him, and the whispers of the adults of his past louder and louder, reiterating that he is meant to be something. SO, ENOUGH ABOUT KATSUKI--- I just had to explain where I was coming from to make my point here, forgive me. So Katsuki, as fucked up, and down right foul as he can be, isn’t completely to blame for becoming what he is. Again, I’m not excusing him, but I’m saying that Izuku can see that. Izuku isn’t blind to it, at least not completely, because if I was that kid I woulda’ changed schools a long time ago, but this strong green bean has thought about it- said it to himself- and even said it to atsuki’s face (kind of) that he’s a fucking asshole. Izuku has even gone so far as to think about how he hates the guy. I completely understand where you’re coming from anon. I really, really do. I was also bullied really bad by a few people, but two of them, who were incidentally two of the worst by a long shot, are now some very good friends to me. The only thing I can say about that is... people change. They just... grew up. I’m not saying that everyone needs to go out there and confront their bullies, or people who harassed them, because not all people can make peace with who they were in the past, or perhaps never learned to function a different way, but it happens. You don’t need to gain any closure with a past tormentor, and you are allowed to live your life without sparing them another thought. That is 100000% a-okay. But so is forgiving people, and helping them down a better road to becoming a significantly kinder person. People are allowed to forgive as well as cast away, and this is something I have become very intimate with given my “family” situation. I completely understand that some just can not be forgiven, not ever… but in light of those who are undeserving, I've learned and become aware of who is forgivable. Katsuki wasn’t so bad as to not be forgiven and perhaps be given a chance.

We always forget that children can be so cruel. They can be kind, but they don't even know who they are yet. They can't make executive decisions concerning some basic life choices. We can't expect them to understand what they’re doing wrong all the time. Hell, even as adults, humans are constantly learning and shaping themselves to their environment and the people around them. One of my bullies, they were especially crude and mean to me because they “liked me”. Now they’ve admitted that it was not the way to approach things, and they’re deeply sorry for the ways they acted in high school. They made my life hell for the few months of grade eight all those years ago. I was on the rugby team with him as well, and he and his friends, who i had to play with, would be especially rough with me. It was fine, I thought. I was capable of handling it. We’ve talked about how the stigma and influence of his father and “friends” drove him to act in those ways. How the “boys will be boys” and “Boys pick on girls if they like them” thing was ingrained in his head. It was so influential and potent in his thought process that he thought that me fighting back only meant I liked him too- and drove him to do it even more. The second of one of my worst bullies was a girl who also went along with the crowd, but now knows that she was a tyrannical queen bee. She had a lot of insecurities, as most bullies often do, and her mother was always on her about being a perfect woman, which now we’ve bonded over due to our similar circumstances. She knows what she did was wrong, and despises what she was in the past. We found eachother again when we volunteered as sort of ‘big sisters’ to teen girls, and did occasional groups with them as well. She knows she did a lot of bad, but hopes to make up for it now that she’s realized her grave mistakes. She’s since broken up with a lot of the “friends” who were just as toxic in high school, and surrounds herself with body-positive, loving people, and i couldn’t be happier to talk to her, and be friends with who she is today, and accept all her past faults and misconducts. Now, i’m not trying to project my own circumstances here, because I definitely don’t want to see a few bullies I had in school, but I also broke one of their noses, and drop kicked another, so I feel like i got a bit of payback. What I’m trying to say here,bottom line, with out all the gabbing, is that people can change. I’m not telling you, or talking down to you like I don’t think you know that, but I’m saying it as a generalization for my conclusion here (and for those who are very adamant that a bad person is permanently a douche canoe).

I don’t believe people are inherently bad. Although a person's experiences and environment can shape the way they see the world, and how they put themselves forth in it, they can improve themselves. As adults, young adults, and perhaps growing teens who are beyond their years, we can look back and take into consideration that everyone’s issues are at play, and acknowledge that it isn’t always a black and white situation. No one is perfect, but we can strive for it as best as we can. The majority of KatsuDeku shippers focus on Katsuki making amends, and growing past whatever beastly guise he buried “who he really is” under. I think I speak for most of the KatsuDeku shippers when I say we only want Izuku to get through to him, and for Katsuki to recognize himself, his wrongdoings, and fucking apologize. Most fics are all about redemption, or placed in a setting where it’s already happened. I mean, yes, there’s darker fics, every pairing has those, and it may just seem a little more intense given their past with each other, but really, with KatsuDeku…. I get the feeling a lot of us just really want that witty romcom pairing where they kind of piss each other off, but come together to save the world in the end kinda deal. If it was 2005 or something, we could be having this conversation about Naruto and Sasuke or something, who beat the ever loving shit out of each other, yet still had this deep rooted connected between them (that usually translated to each other through fists and screams, like jesus christ LOL).

Katsuki is also filled with passion and drive, and I think he's more than a little above average on the attractive meter, so there are those fics where it's purely them, realizing they can rock each other's world…

BUT- I think we all see Katsuki’s insecurity, and want Izuku to continue to try and ease it- but we also don’t want him to be walked all over. We know Katsuki is a nugget of dickcheese. But this kid has also been publicly humiliated in the sports festival, beaten at every aspect of who he is- or what he was suppose to be, taunted and berated by his teachers and peers (which has never been happened before), captured and made to feel helpless, denied of even getting a hero's training license (so failing at the bare minimum of what he should be doing), and Izuku can understand those feelings more than anyone else i’m sure. Izuku is a fucking VIP in those departments, or at least he was in the past. Katsuki is experiencing what Izuku has gone through, though in different aspects and situations, and Izuku could probably relate on eleven personal levels. Katsuki and Izuku have history, and share a lot more in common than either of them would like to admit. They arguably have one of the deepest and most complex relationships in the series, and there’s so much more to them than “the bully and the victim.” They share pain and experiences, and though Izuku’s was majorly inflicted by Katsuki, he’s a big enough person to work past that, and be there if Katsuki so happens to work past his own issues. Izuku’s a strong willed motherfucker, and he’s the only thing that Katsuki Bakugou has never truly broken. If Katsuki could see that, and how despite himself, he’s used Izuku as his strength and drive to keep going, they could be unstoppable side by side. I’d like to see what they could possibly be if Katsuki can manage grow as a person, which he is slowly, but steadily accomplishing. We just want Katsuki to say he’s fucking sorry, and listen to Izuku instead of getting his programmed prejudices, persistent, and intrusive, selfish desires, his need to excel, and pride in the way.

Izuku is strong, and more than capable of taking care of himself now. He's made it clear he's done being bullied, and is more than happy to go head to head with Katsuki to be his equal, though it's kind of clear Katsuki may have seen him as such from the beginning. Still, he’s always reaching out to Katsuki, trying to raise him up despite his aversion to receiving support, and his determination to be on his own- and be number one. That's the kind of strength one can only muster if they really care about someone I think.

With all that being said, you also asked me why i saw this relationship as healthy. Their current relationship... is not exactly healthy, but more dysfunctional than anything. There isn't anything “healthy” about their past relationship at all, but now, I think Izuku is capable of pulling his weight. Some good rivalry never hurt anyone in these sorts of animes. This is also fiction. What I see as alright in fictional relationships does not reflect what I think is alright for a real relationship. There needs to be a firm line between fictional relationships and real relationships. Some are easier to establish than others, and it varies in difficulty from person to person.

If I saw two people interacting as Izuku and Katsuki do now, while knowing about their strength and how they butt heads on fairly equal grounds, I probably wouldn't interfere. People are allowed to fight. People are allowed to argue, but hey, they're pretty much on equal fighting terms.

If I saw them interacting like they did in middle school, I would be on that so fast, their heads would spin.

Perhaps I'm a bit desensitized or jaded when it comes to subjects like these simply because I've experienced some pretty extreme forms of abuse… but when I think of KatsuDeku, I can only hope for the best. KatsuDeku is easy for me to establish as fictional, and even if it wasn’t, where both the boys are now, I think they can handle each other. Their relationship isn’t so abusive currently that red flags start to fly.

Ever heard of Killing Stalking? Red flags there for me personally. Now, that shit straight up (and I don't use this word lightly because some people just over use it to the point of giving it no meaning and now it's just a joke to me) triggered me, because before I knew it, I was crying all over myself and having a panic attack, and flash backs, and all that lovely stuff. But it's fiction. I recognized it as such, and acknowledged that people are allowed to like it, and read it it, draw it, ship it, w/e they want, because chances are they're aware that this isn’t how a regular couple should function. This isn’t me saying “It’s not bad enough abuse for me to dislike it, because look what it COULD BE” when it comes to our aspiring heros, it’s just.... Izuku isn’t some helpless little kid, and I very much want him to prove that. He’s not a victim anymore.

KatsuDeku isn’t the best of relationships right now, but it’s certainly not the worst, and has a lot of potential to grow and shape into something. Canonly; more than likely they’ll just become friends, because everything is very hetero-normative in japan, though there’s room for a lot more than friendship. They’ve exposed themselves on so many levels that I think they would be even closer because of their past. Concerning fan works; a shit ton of material to play off of here. A pretty interesting date or two lies in store there, lol. I’m sorry if I didn’t correctly answer your question, or if I made no sense, or rambled, or left things out that were in my thoughts and didn’t quite make it into my… lengthy response here. If I ever came off rude up there, that was not my intention, and was just trying to explain!

Thank you for your question! My sympathies to your past bullying experience, and i'm glad you no longer have to deal with that ;A;

If i wasn’t clear on anything, or should clarify, don’t hesitate to ask!

Have a lovely day!